#i have failed at being a basic human person. i have cut off so many connections. i have isolated myself completely.

[moe-broey]

Like I have a sick and fucked up combo of my Mom telling me point blank "If you get married to a woman I can't go to your wedding" when I tried to get her to understand bisexuality naively as a teen and then I transed my gender and I got broken up with because sudden incompatibility. My partner was kind and more understanding and validating than anyone has ever been to me outside of my sisters. But it did come down to a compatibility issue. I fully internalized that I'm undesirable and I still think I'm right, to a degree. Statistically speaking there are just less queer people, and you would have to be queer to like a weird little faggot like me in the first place. I say this with pride but also acknowledging like. People flinch at me. Try not to look at me. Which is just as well, because that way nobody fucks w me. Somewhere along the way my old friend gets a girlfriend and I straight up ghost him. He's been my best friend since I was 14. SAD! Well it happens to the best of us. My brother has a shit ass marriage and I'm not giving details, but man if you're gonna be Just Like Your Father, at very least go all the fucking way. Get a divorce. Get several divorces. For the love of god. You are not doing your kids any favors. Somewhere along the way I start using the demisexual label again and it feels like coming home, and then I find out about the demiromantic label and I'm like damn! Okay! Because I always really related to a lot of aromantic art/posts, but also felt it didn't apply to me since I've literally been in love before. But my "being in love" looks like having a best friend. A trusted partner. I have been obsessed with Alfonse Fire Emblem for a number of years now. I fully accept my fate as someone who has way too much going on for anyone to actually love me ever again. I have been obsessed with Alfonse Fire Emblem for a number of years now. When I was a child and when I was a teenager I thought I'd get married in the church I grew up in. That I would bring a nice young man to church with me on Sunday and everyone would be so happy for me. So proud of me. When I was 12 my mom had me try on her wedding dress just for fun, and I felt the weight of it. A sacredness, a wistfulness. It was in the living room where she married my step father in a sun dress. I still have that wedding dress, for some stupid reason. She tells me it's okay, I can get rid of it. For some reason, I can't let go. I can never let go.

[memoriavivens]

Thoughts on Sphene

This will probably get rambly, fair warning. I’ll have it cut off since it’ll be long. This isn’t going to be polished writing, more just me getting all my thoughts out.

So I’ve mentioned before how much I love Sphene, and how much I’m bothered by the way people see her. So I figured I should get my view out there, even just in rough form. First of all- Sphene is absolutely a person. Maybe she’s the same as the original, maybe not, but that’s a moot point. I’ve seen a few things used to cast doubt on her humanity, the most common being that she’s of technological nature, or that she lacks a soul. I just don’t get why either of these should necessarily preclude her from personhood. I think it’s quite likely she’s a victim of people now associating all forms of artificial intelligence with generative “AI”, when in fact AI capable of true personhood is a long-running trope in fiction. Basically if you say Sphene isn’t a person you are also saying C-3PO isn’t a person. But what sort? One who loves nothing more than to help others, for starters. It’s her most consistent trait, from all that she does for the people of solution 9 and the outskirts to taking the blast back during the storm surge. And of course she wants to keep the endless around. This of course is where she hits conflict, because she wants (and needs, but more importantly genuinely wants) to preserve the endless forever, but on the other hand, doing so would require hurting so many other people- plus she knows that it’s unsustainable. And yet she still wants to do it, and I don’t blame her for still wanting to do it- failing to do so would be letting all these people you’ve cared for die after all. Letting them die isn’t an option, and not just because of the programming. She has agency in all this, as she makes clear. But she’s not comfortable with it- she backpedals and tries to minimize almost constantly. Asks us if there’s a better way to sustain them. Invites us to become citizens. Subtly, likely subconsciously, asks us to stop her. Tries to make us more comfortable with opposing her through analogies. And in the end she clearly falls into self-hatred over it, depending on your dialogue choices even denying her own humanity. She wants to do this and will do it, but at the same time she really does not want to do this. (Honestly, what could be more human than that?) I find all of this very relatable, myself- I struggle a lot with this sort of thing (on a vastly smaller scale, obviously, that’s just how fiction and real life work), and the ways she reacts to her dilemma and the ways I react to mine are very similar- indecision, self-hatred, frequently changing attitudes, all while none of these help with the problem at all. It’s not bad writing, it’s just a painful part of the human condition. I guess all this is why I like her so much and want good things for her. And I believe if some things went differently she could have had a happy ending- some things during dawntrail itself and not the backstory, I should clarify. The programming is just a metaphor for part of her own psyche, so there’s no need to assign it stock over her mentality. Any number of things could be used to dispose of it if necessary. I think what Sphene probably needs is:

. To know that the Endless were happy in the end, and it isn’t necessary to preserve them forever (She’d probably be more accepting of this when they are already gone)

. To understand that it isn’t too late to change.

. To believe it’s worth changing.

None of these things are easy to convince a person, but there are ways. For instance if I were making Dawntrail into a game where your choices can affect the outcome of things, I’d add a secret ending where she lives that can be accessed by completing every sidequest in Living Memory (Which everybody should do anyway) and then making some dialogue choices at the end to convince her of the three things above. That’s probably a rough version of how I’ll write the resolution in my version of the events as well.

Oh yeah a thought I forgot to include earlier- why she ultimately sides with Preservation. It’s because that’s the easier thing to go through with. The specific way she did it, especially, is just easier to go through with. All she has to do is erase herself, compared to all the work that redemption would be. I think she knows that redemption has a preferable outcome long-term, she’s smart enough to figure that out, but she has no support system and Wuk Lamat and canon WoL have really not shown themselves to be very committed to helping her. So, lacking anyone to help her, she picks the easy way out. Just like so many real people do.

So, that’s a very tough version of my thoughts on Sphene and why I love her so much! If you have anything to add or if you think anything needs clarifying, then by all means ask!

[deludedfantasy]

On Tesla, Rem, and Agency in Trimax

Volume 7 gave me a lot of Thoughts, especially about Tesla and her place in the narrative. She's such a tragic character and I'm obsessed with the implications of her existence, and how her death and Rem's motivate the twins in very different ways. Much more under the cut.

After volume 7, I’ve been thinking a lot about agency in Trimax, who gets it and who doesn’t. On a slightly related note, I’ve also been thinking about female characters and fridging, so let’s talk about two very important figures who motivate a lot of Vash and Knives’s actions: Rem and Tesla. 

On my first watch of Tristamp, the moment Rem died saving Vash and Knives, I went, “Oh no, not again.” That is the classic set-up for fridging a female character. You see her briefly, she declares her love for the main characters, and she’s dead within minutes, now providing our main characters with the correct amount of angst to fuel their actions for the rest of the story. That is essentially what happens in Tristamp. We do see more of Rem later and learn a bit more about her, but that vision of the perfect woman, the perfect mother, who was so unjustly murdered by Nai’s actions, remains constant. She doesn’t have a whole lot of agency. 

Part of the problem with fridging is it completely removes any individuality or agency from a female character. She’s basically an empty doll for the main character to project their emotions on and give the readers an easy explanation for their actions. A fridged woman doesn’t have any personality except being perfect and dead. 

From where we stand in Tristamp season 1, that’s all we have. But Trimax is another story entirely. It shows us Rem as a whole person. She’s very much so still the mother Vash loves and idealizes, but we learn there’s so much more to her. I’d even argue that’s part of why he loves her: because he’s seen her fully, warts and all. 

Her first scene in volume 6, during the birthday party, already starts shifting the narrative we’ve become used to. There’s something off about her, we can’t see her eyes. We get the feeling she’s hiding something. When she forces Vash and Knives to hide when the crew wakes up, we’re proven right. 

Volume 7 is when we really see her for the first time though. She’s not perfect. She let something horrible happen to a little girl. She’s a woman laboring under a lot of guilt and a lot of love. Everything she’s done for Vash and Knives has been because she hasn’t forgiven herself for what happened to Tesla. Her determination to keep Vash alive when all he wants is to die and the story she tells him about the blank ticket is a defining moment for her character and for him. We understand why Vash has based so much of himself around her, why he’s trying so hard to keep her memory alive. But it also makes it hit even harder that she sacrificed herself to save not just the twins, but the whole fleet. Her death suddenly becomes even more meaningful. She isn’t another woman shoved into a refrigerator; she’s brave, smart, idealistic, loving to a fault, full of guilt and shame and depression, but so very determined to do the right thing when she’s failed before. 

Now, compare her to Tesla. I talked a bit about this in my book club post, but I want to expand on it. We don’t actually meet her. Her ghost leads Vash and Knives to her body. We see her dissected body and learn about her through the researchers’ reports and Rem’s explanations. But we never hear her voice or her story in her own words. We don’t know what she wants. 

But Knives takes up his crusade and his revenge on humanity because of what happened to her. It seems like a pretty straightforward instance of fridging, but I don’t think it’s that, not fully. Because that’s the whole point is that Tesla never had a voice. 

Usually, when a woman is fridged, any actions taken in her name are seen as noble or at least understandable. But Knives’s motivations are deeply, deeply flawed (for many reasons). Despite his goals to free Plants from the tyranny of humanity and give them agency, many of his methods involve taking away agency from other Plants, including his own brother. By starting the crusade in Tesla’s name, he makes it hers. But we don’t know if that’s what she would have wanted! She was just a little kid. Maybe she would’ve wanted to visit those same horrors upon humanity that were visited on her. Maybe she would’ve just wanted to kill the scientists who caused her pain. Maybe she would’ve wanted to disappear and just live a normal life. We can’t know! And that’s the tragedy of it. 

Like I said in my book club post, she becomes a martyr for a cause she didn't know existed.

The absence of Tesla’s voice is so loud. She never had a choice, not when she was alive and not even when she was dead. We don’t know why she showed herself to the twins or if that apparition was even a ghost with some form of agency or a simply some sort of Plant impression that didn’t have an intent one way or another. But Knives decides that the legacy she will receive is of death and destruction and revenge. There’s something that feels so wrong to me about that. It feels like a continuation of Knives lashing out in fear and anger, not considering anything or anyone else. 

This isn’t to say that the way Vash treats Rem is perfect either. It’s not. His devotion to the idea of her and living up to her sacrifice are pretty flawed too. At the same time as he knows that she wasn’t perfect, she becomes something of an untouchable figure in his head. He’s living his life in penance for her sacrifice and shattering himself in the process. He takes her ideals to the very extreme and doesn’t leave a lot of room for nuance. It’s questionable whether Rem would’ve wanted this to be her legacy. But at least Vash knows what she would’ve wanted for him: for him to never give up hope, to see the world in all its glory and horror, and give himself the freedom to remake his future when all seems bleak. 

I really hope season 2 of Tristamp gives us more of Rem and Tesla, especially since there’s some indication that Tesla was still alive in Tristamp. Rem holds such an important place in the story of Trigun and I want to see the wonderful flawed version of her translated to the story Tristamp is trying to tell.

[new-tella-us]

Seduce Me Situations!

Cause I'm bored!

Does David approve of the boys? How much does he?

And yknow what? A little rapid fire update about David. For anyone that forgot this man (lowkey same sometimes) this is Mika's dad. I changed him to be more openly loving. That doesn't mean that he is openly loving, he just won't slap his daughter before immediately shipping her off to his dead father's house.

David does care about Mika and the whole CEO thing is partly about giving her a stable job like any parent wants their child to have (and partly the OG reason. He can't be too sympathetic). He sees her talent and wants her to act on it regardless of her emotions. He is aware of his father being a warlock and he was one once but when he met Laura (a half-angel that just escaped the Demon Lord barely alive) and learnt what the demon world did to his wife he cut his father off to keep Laura and his only child away from harm.

He is cold, distant, sharp tongued and he sucks at expressing emotions (something that would influence Mika hiding her depression from everyone), but at the end of the day, he's a man that is trying to protect his family.

With all that said, no he does not approve of the boys. Since his wife is half-angel thus immune to enthrallment and aware of the boys' true identity, she told him. He does NOT like the idea of five incubi anywhere near his daughter but she's grown and doesn't seem to be hurt or controlled so, after failing to convince her to ditch these guys, he was forced to accept them.

Of the boys, he does approve of some more than others.

And by that, I mean he's kinda okay with Damien and dislikes everyone else.

He thinks James is too much of a leader. For one, he doesn't like the idea that James ends up becoming the CEO for the reasons I mentioned previously. Eventually, he admits that James is a good CEO but...still. David also fears that James would become controlling after a while, the whole "incubus enthrallment" thing didn't help. Finally, Laura's first reaction to James REALLY didn't help. James looks a fair bit like the Demon Lord (for obvious reasons) so Laura's experience makes her wary of James and if Laura is wary, David is extra wary.

He think Erik is a flirt. Surely Mika isn't the only girl Erik has been smitten by. Seeing the description Laura gave of the demon world, he wouldn't put it past Erik to have a whole harem of women and Mika is just one of many. Erik's past actions come back to haunt him as Laura (and thus David) is aware that he and Sam did....something to Mika. Their magic lingers on her like a smell. So if they were willing to use her once what's stopping them from doing it again? In short, he thinks Erik is hedonistic by human standards and doesn't trust him around his child.

Sam....OH SAM! Sam is probably the person David trusts the least. Let's start with just how angry that man looks. David is 100% convinced that Sam would hurt Mika out of anger. Sam is brutish and uncivilized in David's eyes. Once again, the prologue comes for Sam's neck as his magic lingers on Mika like Erik so... same question, what stops him from doing that again? Sam was also the one to try to enthrall David during the homecoming party and once David is made aware of this, he is pissed. Plus, once again, he looks a lot like the Demon Lord so Laura is off put and yknow the drill by now. He basically thinks Sam is dangerous.

Matthew was the one David was the least worried about. He's barely taller than Mika and is probably thinner than her. Plus Mika knows taekwondo. What could this child do, really? He was more concerned with how childish this seemingly grown man is. 22 years old and still making toys? And not for a business? It was odd to David. He felt like Matthew never grew up and would be a bad influenced on Mika. At least, that was his concern at first. Then Laura revealed that Matthew seems to be the magically strongest of all his brothers and safety became a concern again. Now he questions how much of Matthew's childishness is true and how much of it is an act. You don't gain more magic than James by being childish your whole life. Matthew is an enigma and David doesn't trust what he can't understand.

Damien is the one David trusts the most because he's the one Laura trusts the most. Once all the dust settles and Laura gets a good look at Damien, she recognizes his connection with Omaizel. They look very similar and share a similar aura. And if Damien is anything like Omaizel then he's trustworthy. That doesn't mean both of them trust him fully, David still can't help but see the Demon Lord in Damien rather than Omaizel as he never knew Omaizel but he did get a good look at the Demon Lord once. Damien shares the Demon Lord's eyes. Now, technically, they all have the same color eyes but each boy has a colored glint in their eyes that differ. (think the circle part of their eye designs. For example, James's is blue which Erik's is magenta) Damien's matches the Demon Lord exactly. So even the most trusted of the brothers puts David on edge.

Eventually, David comes to understand that the boys mean no harm but he never fully trusts them.

[aubins]

⧼ ＊ ⧽　on aubin, his crest, and the fetters of dromi.

this post is mostly my personal masterlist on my meta and headcanons for any aubin, crest, and relic related lore. some of it i pull from evidence in canon, others i pull out of my ass. i do discuss some of the other apostles while talking about aubin, but any future ashen wolves musers are more than welcome to disagree with me. additionally, it's been a while since i've properly played through the fódlan games myself, so if there's lore i've misremembered here, do feel free to correct me on it!

three houses & hopes lore spoilers to follow under the cut.

*　who is aubin?

i've been working on this on and off for about four years now, so the old version of this section quite obviously dated this post with all its long-winded arguments about why aubin was the elder that saved yuri as a child because some people were quite adamant that he wasn't. now, it is comically short in comparison.

in case you didn't know, this silly little game called fire emblem warriors: three hopes has come out since then and made my life much easier. as seteth and yuri's support chain confirms:

Seteth: You always cursed the blood that flowed through you. But in the end, it saved that child's life. Seteth: It brings me great relief to know that you found salvation in your last moments. Aubin, my friend… Be at peace. 　— Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes, Seteth & Yuri A-Support

the elder who saved yuri as a child was, in fact, aubin himself. he passes shortly after this from natural causes, which i'll touch on in more detail a bit later. the basic rundown of his character is this: aubin was one of the four apostles who participated in the rite of rising in an attempt to resurrect the goddess. after the ritual failed, he and his fellow apostles went into seclusion and their names were all but erased from history. their crests were similarly believed to have died with them; however, the four ashen wolves are later discovered to bear one of each of the apostles' crests. for yuri's part, he bears the crest of aubin.

*　the apostles' nabatean heritage.

another point of contention is whether or not the apostles are nabatean or human. the fandom wiki has them listed as human for some reason, even though this is not confirmed anywhere in the game as far as i am aware, and i know many believe that the apostles are first generation crest-bearers like the ten elites. personally, i am of the mind that they are nabateans, not humans.

the game refers to the four apostles as saints several times (in the opening narration of cindered shadows and in constance and edelgard's support chain), a title we've only really seen bestowed upon nabateans such as the four saints—cichol, cethleann, indech, and macuil—as well as seiros herself, of course.

(there is also a saint luca mentioned in a readable in three hopes; however, it is, to my knowledge, the only mention of them.)

additionally, we see for ourselves that aubin, at least, is able to transfuse his blood and crest into a human. as far as we know, this is something that can only be done by nabateans.

but there are two points i tend to see brought up as arguments for the apostles being human, so i wanted to quickly touch on them here.

　　›　THE FETTERS OF DROMI EXISTED DURING THE WAR OF HEROES.

this notion, i believe, comes from something that duke gerth says during constance and yuri's paralogue:

Duke Gerth: It's a priceless treasure that ended up in Dagda. After the truce, they sent it to us in friendship. 　> Why did Dagda have a Hero's Relic? Duke Gerth: One story holds that Saint Seiros subjugated the 10 Elites and the clans who followed them. Duke Gerth: There may have been a few clan elders who fled across the sea to escape suppression. 　— Fire Emblem: Three Houses, A Cursed Relic: After Battle

if we take this at face value, it means that the fetters of dromi existed during the time of the war of heroes (32-98). thus, the original nabatean bearing aubin blood would have to already be dead by this point. if this is true, it completely negates the idea of aubin being said original nabatean because he is very much still alive in 185 for the rite of rising.

i'm not exactly jumping to believe this story is actually true, though. the way duke gerth puts it, it's only one of several stories about how the relic arrived in dagda and not entirely reliable. if the fetters of dromi existed during the war of heroes, then it would have had a wielder: a human bearer of the crest that we're assuming is aubin. supposing the clan elder who followed aubin fled to dagda with the relic as duke gerth's story says, surely they would have known the value of the relic? never mind how they even took the relic from aubin to begin with. these were significant and powerful weapons and accessories used by the ten elites—if they managed to run away with one, surely they would have done their best to keep it for themselves, and then within their families after they passed.

but let's just say this important message got lost amongst the clan elder's descendants somewhere, so they see the fetters of dromi and decide it's a piece of junk they can get rid of. did the agarthans not know that the fetters of dromi were in dagda by this point? like surely there would have been some word that a group ran off with one of the relics when it first happened? it couldn't have been that hard for the agarthans to get it back if they knew it was there. they wouldn't have even had to contend with the church of seiros, because they didn't seem to know where the relic was either until it ended up in duke gerth's hands. so, word of the “marvelous, but benign treasure” in dagda just somehow didn't reach either parties' notice when they were well-aware of the missing relic?

suffice to say, i don't really buy duke gerth's story, and certainly not as hard evidence disproving the apostles being nabatean. for a relic to have been missing for so long with neither the agarthans nor the church seeming desperate to find it doesn't seem super realistic to me. to me, it seems more likely that the fetters of dromi were only newly created, and thus their disappearance only a recent concern.

　　›　AUBIN'S ELDERLY APPEARANCE & PASSING.

with the nabateans being a long-life species and the ones we see in canon still appearing quite youthful, i can understand where this sentiment comes from. unless aubin is just incredibly old in comparison to the likes of rhea, seteth, and flayn, he probably shouldn't be looking anywhere near old enough for yuri to be describing him as an elder when they meet.

for me to explain my take on this, let's talk about the rite of rising first.

In the Imperial year 185, the construction of Garreg Mach was completed. Saint Seiros held a sacred ritual to honor the occasion. Four saints, known as the Four Apostles, were led to a tranquil place to perform the ritual. They poured their holy essences into the Chalice of Beginnings—a gift from the goddess herself—in hopes of bringing about her second coming. Alas, the Rite of Rising failed… 　— Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Cindered Shadows: The Fourth House

the opening narration of cindered shadows describes the rite of rising as the four apostles “pouring their holy essences into the chalice.” while this is likely just a fancy way of saying they gave it their blood, i'm choosing to instead interpret this as the apostles having literally given up some of their essence or life force for the ritual. the sacrifice they made was more than just some blood, and whether the rite succeeded or failed, it was always going to take its toll. the fact that it did failed only exacerbated the consequences.

when the chalice absorbs both sitri and aelfric to create an umbral beast, rhea says that the same thing happened last time the rite of rising was performed. as the ritual was said to have been performed in a tranquil place, presumably away from any bystanders, the only people around to actually become the umbral beast would have been seiros herself, alongside the four apostles.

what mostly makes me hesitate to say this for certain is that the description of the final battle in cindered shadows describes aelfric as “forever lost, transformed into an umbral beast.” the four apostles were, obviously, not forever lost, considering the existence of all four ashen wolves bearing their crests.

perhaps the beast was subdued and the apostles were somehow reverted to their regular forms. or the chalice only absorbed the body they were using for the ritual to create the umbral beast, and that was what was forever lost upon its defeat. since i can't say either way with a hundred percent confidence, i'm just going to elect to put a pin in this particular idea for now.

whatever the case, the rite of rising took a significant and long lasting toll on the apostles well-being. as such, after the failure of the rite, all of them chose to vanish from the world. despite how important you would think an attempt to revive the goddess would be, what is remembered of them is that they journeyed to obscure corners of fódlan where they settled and all but disappeared from history.

you could say that this was them adhering to the fact that they were not meant to pass down their crests, and thus decided to find a place where they could simply fade into obscurity for the rest of their days. however, considering all of them end up passing down their crests anyway, i don't think this was their biggest point of consideration.

for aubin's case, this is what i attribute his older appearance to. the rite of rising quite literally stole his life and aged him significantly more than what would have been natural for nabateans. he goes into seclusion because he doesn't have the energy to do much else, having lost most of his strength. similarly, this i believe this lack of strength is also the reason that he dies shortly after saving yuri's life.

aubin is in awful shape when yuri and his mother take him in. i imagine he never truly recovered from the toll the rite of rising took on his body, leaving him quite worse for wear. saving yuri required expending a kind of power that he simply didn't have much left of, and was the final straw that ultimately led to his passing.

*　the crest of aubin.

honestly, i think the way i've described the crest of aubin's effects in narrative previously changed whenever it was convenient to me HAHA but in the interest of staying consistent from this point forward, let's refer to its in-game effects first.

A Crest long lost to history. Occasionally prevents enemy counterattacks when using a weapon. 　— Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Crest of Aubin Ability Description

30% chance chance to land a critical hit with strong attacks. 　— Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes, Crest of Aubin Ability Description

three houses and three hopes are very different games when it comes to gameplay, so the crest's ability obviously changes between them. i'll pull from both versions for my purposes.

preventing enemy counterattacks doesn't really translate all that nicely into writing. i generally interpret this as increased agility. passively, yuri is already relatively light-footed and quick on his feet; when his crest activates this is increased to a superhuman degree. think dramatic cinematic shots of characters with super speed where the world slows around them. something like that for short periods of time.

crit chance is much easier to translate: his crest gives him increased strength. unlike his agility, this isn't also a passive thing. the strength only really activates when his crest does, otherwise he's just as strong as anyone else who works out on a relatively regular basis would be.

as aubin is the ice dragon, yuri has some level of resistance to cold. nothing that would really save his life if you threw him into a blizzard, but if the weather's a bit chilly, he'll still be able to walk out under-dressed for it and be fine. yuri doesn't think this is a crest thing, though, he just thinks he's more used to the cold as someone that grew up in faerghus.

unnaturally quick healing. this has no canon basis, it's just an idea that i like. yuri is very particular about his appearance and potential scarring considering his line of work, but considering all the trouble he gets into, saying that he's only ever gotten one scar in his whole life isn't all that realistic. magic blood making you heal fast isn't all that realistic either, but the two can just cancel each other out or something.

in a similar vein, he requires less rest than most people. considering the nature of his work, yuri is running around basically 24/7. if he rests, it's probably only for a few hours at most. guy's a control freak and incredibly restless—i don't know if he could ever really settle down comfortably for long enough to get a decent night's sleep, but he has to be able to be everywhere all at once without collapsing from exhaustion somehow.

　　›　YURI'S PROLONGED LIFESPAN.

i didn't realize this was a point of contention to some people until i started poking around more online, but i'm always happy to talk about yuri so let's dissect it. why not.

in non-crimson flower routes, yuri's ending with m!byleth says that the pair lives a very long life together:

[ ... ] Constantly at his side during that time was his husband, Yuri, whose policy proposals led, time and again, to better education and opportunities for the less fortunate. After working to ensure a bright and prosperous future for Fódlan, the couple stepped back from the public eye and vanished from official record. Curiously, informal notes and letters from friends suggest that the pair was extraordinarily long-lived and that their youth was untouched by the passage of time. 　— Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Byleth (Male) & Yuri Ending Card

i've seen people argue this is a byleth thing (as in byleth gave yuri a blood transfusion and that's why he's long-lived) which i personally doubt is true. mainly because f!byleth's ending doesn't mention a word of this and i don't see why it wouldn't if it truly was a byleth thing as opposed to a yuri thing.

i've also seen people argue that this can't be true because he is specifically mentioned to pass away in his ending with constance:

After the war, Constance devoted herself to her magical research. Her unorthodox methods allowed her to make great strides, which earned her acclaim and eventually enabled her to restore her noble house. Afterward, almost as if to spite her detractors, she married Yuri. The pair made a happy, if unconventional, couple, as the husband frequently ventured away for months on end. In the long years of their marriage, however, Constance laughed off any concerns—she was known to say that Yuri always knew how to find his way home. Many decades later, he passed away in bed alongside his beloved wife. 　— Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Constance & Yuri Ending Card

maybe they just lived their very long lives together? who knows how long ‘many decades’ really means, after all. except constance will likely just live a very normal crest-bearer lifespan. unlike yuri, she doesn't actually get her crest via blood transfusion. saint noa left to live the rest of her days in what would later become nuvelle territory and had children. constance's crest is inherited, passed down to her by bloodline.

Constance: Close to a thousand years ago, Saint Noa parted ways with Saint Seiros. She lived out her days in seclusion on what would become Nuvelle territory. Constance: Her children obscured their origins before serving the Empire. It wasn't long before they were ennobled. [...] Edelgard: Hmm… House Nuvelle was known for producing as few heirs as possible. Edelgard: It was also known for keeping its offspring "pure," mostly by disallowing marriage with other houses. 　— Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Constance & Edelgard B-Support

so if yuri's so long-lived, why do these two ending contradict each other? well, i don't really think they do. he dies in his ending with constance, yes, but we don't know what actually causes his death. i guess old age is the natural assumption for most people, but it never actually states that and we've already been given a different instance of him living for much longer than is natural for a human.

in the japanese version of their ending, the last sentence reads, “数十年後、その言 葉を証明するかのように、ユーリスは寝台の 上、愛した妻の傍らで病没したとされる。” to be clear, i don't speak a lick of japanese, so if any japanese speakers would like to tell me what this really says, i would forever be in your debt. but, you know, i squint at it anyway and see the character “病” and go :index_pointing_at_the_viewer: hey. hold on a second.

anyway, i checked the chinese text instead because it's the only other language the game's localized in that i can somewhat comprehend and what do you know? it says yuri dies of illness. so, you know. not old age.

at the same time, we know it's confirmed in lore that recipients of blood transfusions live longer lives.

To face this evil force, the goddess created a new well of power. She gifted certain chosen individuals with sacred blood, allowing them to wield mystical weapons, that they may prevail against the darkness. These souls, buoyed by their divine gifts, conquered the evil ones and drove them back to the north. They came to be known as Heroes. The Heroes experienced unnaturally long lives, persisting for hundreds of years. 　— Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes, Book of Seiros II

if you want proof that isn't just a readable in a spin-off game, jeralt is also right there and at least three hundred years old to show for it. we know through several sources that first generation crest-bearers live very long lives—there's no reason to believe that the same wouldn't apply to yuri.

*　the fetters of dromi.

ah, hero's relic lore. how i adore you, horrifying as you are and all.

before we talk about it somehow ending up in dagda, let's just talk about the relic itself. in case you haven't seen it, the fetters of dromi are effectively hand, finger, and wrist bones bound together by what looks like some cloth, chains, and rings.

once again, i'll pull up its in-game effects for reference:

Grants +1 Movement and Canto when equipped. Grants Pavise and Aegis to units with the Crest of Aubin when equipped. 　— Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Fetters of Dromi Description

+6 Speed. Grants Earthshrinker to user. Grants Pavise and Aegis to units with the Crest of Aubin when equipped. 　— Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes, Fetters of Dromi (Unleashed) Description

Enables 【Canto (２)】. At start of turn, unit can move 1 extra space (that turn only; does not stack). After start-of-turn skills trigger, if 【Stall】 is active on unit, neutralizes the "unit can move 1 extra space" effect of this skill. Inflicts Atk/Spd/Def/Res-4 on foes within 2 spaces of unit during combat. 　— Fire Emblem Heroes, Fetters of Dromi Description

unlike the crest of aubin, the fetters of dromi's effects are relatively consistent across its different iterations. it gives the user canto, increased movement, and pavise and aegis.

the fetters of dromi's purpose is primarily to amplify the crest of aubin's effects.

increased movement and canto similarly just translate into increased agility again, improved from its passive effect when yuri isn't actively using the fetters. it will take a lot for him to feel exhausted while wearing the fetters of dromi, but if he overextends himself, it'll still hit him the moment he takes the relic off.

similarly related to the crest allowing yuri to persist on less rest, the fetters of dromi allows him to take more hits and sustain more damage. he still gets hurt, of course, but he feels it less than he would without the relic. as with the previous point, when he takes them off, the weight of his injuries will still hit him as they normally would unless he had them healed beforehand.

　　›　HOW DID IT END UP IN DAGDA?

let's establish a timeline for its creation first.

the illness yuri contracts as a child is specifically the plague that was going around faerghus. according to sylvain, this plague happened almost 20 years ago, and according to yuri, he caught it when he was really young. excellent measures of time, the both of you.

i tend to place yuri as having been four when he caught it. since aubin passed shortly after curing him, he would have died vaguely around 1164-1165. the fetters of dromi would have made it to dagda by 1175 at the latest, since that's when the dagda and brigid war took place, and they would've had to have it by then to send it over after the truce. the fetters of dromi were likely made sometime between 1165-1175, then.

but how did the agarthans find out that aubin was dead? yuri ends up in adrestia sometime during this ten year period when the fetters of dromi could have been made. considering the agarthan presence in the empire, i suppose the most likely scenario is that they somehow discovered this random kid with the crest of aubin and decided to investigate further. this eventually led them to yuri's hometown, from which it wouldn't have been difficult to learn from the townsfolk of the story of a strange man who came by a few years ago, saved a child's life with some red liquid, then passed shortly after.

from there, they dig up the body, take the bones and crest stone, then craft the fetters of dromi. as for how it ended up in dagda...um. you know, i'd love to find this out myself HAHA but i can't even conceive a situation for what happened here. i guess they lost it somehow? a bit silly but it had to get there in some way.

　　›　MISCELLANEOUS.

a relic like the fetters of dromi is too new and obscure to have any heavy history or mythology behind it. but there are still some tales—tall and false ones, certainly—like the story of the fetters that reached duke gerth's ears.

some say it is the hand of a master swordsman, cut off in battle and preserved afterward. whoever has the courage to wear it upon the back of their own will find their sword always strikes true. others believe that the relic is a sign that the heroes of history still walk among them, waiting for the day they must once again take up arms to fight for fódlan.

and some still believe that it is both a warning and a curse. that should you hear tell of it, you'll have to lock your home up tight and light a blazing fire, for merciless winter storms are sure to follow.

yuri doesn't believe any of the stories. but what he does know is that sometimes, when he finds himself so lost in his own head that the real world vanishes, bone so often cold to the touch will warm without him calling upon its power, reminding him to return to earth.

sometimes, when he overexerts himself in the midst of battle, the activated relic's steady warmth instead turns searing like a scolding to mind himself. it tightens faintly over the back of his hand like the one that had gently guided him when he first learned his letters, now guiding the swing of a blade rather than the stroke of a pen.

but it is, in the end, just a hero's relic. so it must be his mind playing tricks.

[clouds-by-me]

𝓡𝓮𝓭

Yan!Genshin x winged!reader

Characters; Venti, Scaramouche, Albedo

Gene: Angst, Yandere

Au; winged!Reader, Also implied black reader

Synopsis; Tells have been told...Stories have been sung...and yet most still don't believe that such A creature exist. I mean A winged creature with horns and razor sharp claws doesnt sound believable at all. And yet you exsist. And now that you do, you've gained the attention of someone who really loves you:)

Warnings; passive behavior, obsessive behavior, just Yandere things

Venti

•For him to be the god of freedom, he really loves keeping you locked away

•He wants you for himself, I mean why would you want to be with anyone else?

•He is however very clingy, he craves to give you affection

•He really loves you though

•He would try to give you as much freedom as he can, but the moment you do anything, A punishment is soon to follow.

•Please, please PLEASE. Just do as he says, he's the anemo archon. If you ever tried to fly away he could just easily stop you, and prevent you from going anywhere.

•And don't even think about running away. He knows everything. Hes the wind in human form. you won't make it far

•All you have to do, is what he says. And he may just let you keep your wings. In all honesty, he LOVES your Wings. The way they feel when you wrap them around him, and the way they feel. He loves them.

•He won't ever cut them off, but he will hurt your very sensitive wings to get what he wants, so be careful

"Such beautiful wings, for such a beautiful dove..."

Scaramouche

•You'd be lucky if he didn't cut those wings off as soon as he got his hands on you.

•He'd actually use them against you. Poking and pricing at them, just to mess with you

•At first he'll let you keep them, but after the first escape attempt, he cut off half of your right wing

•He has this sick way of teasing you about even being with him in the first place, as if you had a choice.

•Once your with him, your stick.

•There's not really any chance of escape. He holds too much power, and has so many people under his command. If do somehow manage to get away which you won't you wouldn't be able to trust Anyone

•He wants you by his side all the time, no exceptions. The rules he has set for you are so strict. He doesn't really understand that you have limits, well he does but he wants to see how long it'll be before you brake

•He can be somewhat decent tho.

•No ones ever going to disrespect you. Not with him around

•And he's always around

•He'll make his subordinates basically worship you. He's the only person that can touch you, or even look at you for too long.

"If only you'd just listen. Then your poor wings wouldn't be getting cut off, now would they?"

Albedo

•Hes absolutely intrigued by your wings

•Your soft feather filled wings,

•He has so many questions about them, so much he wants to do with them...

•He swears that he loves you, then makes you run test for him until the only thing you know is test

•If you pass his little experiments then he'll reward you with love and praise. Hugging and cuddling you, telling you how good you did, and how much he loves you

•If you fail however, then he'll make you do more until you pass. But they become easier, he understands that your tired, but he needs you to get through this. He wants, needs you to pass so he can hug and love on you in every way

•He loves your wings, and will never cut them off, however he'll find other ways to make you learn your lesson.

•He has his own way of keeping you for himself. All he has to do is keep you occupied. That's it. He is smart enough to make such a elaborate plan to keep you busy and with him for as longs as he wants

•Which happens to be forever

"You did so great for me today love, so great"

[al-hekima-madara-blog]

Hello, I hope you are very well, I love your content, thank you very much for solving our existential doubts ❤️ 🥰 I wanted to ask you if at some point, haven't you thought that Madara hasn't had a child? Well we know that Hashirama had children but you don't know who he is. Don't you think that could be the case with Madara? Before Izuna's death she was a normal person (as far as possible) what do you think? remember to take care of yourself and drink water ❤️

Thank you darling to remind me of hydrating myself on this very hot topic!🔥

I think I've already answered it somewhere but it's still good to refresh my thoughts.

Yeah so basically there is two options:

1- We take Obito's words literally when he said that Madara was his ancestor, but his direct ancestor. And then Madara must have had a child at some point and considering he was the first born of the Uchiha leader and the life expectancy was short during the warring states era it's not crazy to imagine he had been married at a very young age like 16/17 years old. And he was already father in his early twenties. It's the easiest solution. But I don't like this answer I'll explain why.

2- Madara never had children. there is two main traits about him, the first his entire life up to Izuna's death was to protect his family and his clan. the second trait is that he's Hashirama's nemesis. Like a reverse mirror. and that something Kisimoto uses with many characters : Naruto/Obito (Hokage's life goal), Naruto/Gaara as sucessful and failed Jinshuriki. and obvioulsy Sasuke/Naruto. Sasuke choosing solitude and vengeance while Naruto staying with the village and keep believing in their friendship. And finally Ashura/ Indra. So this being said what is Hashirama? A shinobi who realised his dream and had everything in life : a wife he loved, a brother still alive, a village who adores him, a lineage by blood and a spiritual lineage through his students Hiruzen and Danzo, a philosophy "the will of fire" and the title of god of shinobi. It makes sense that in contrary Madara lost and/or abandon everything : his last brother he couldn't protect, the support of his clansmen, his choice to left the village and find his own way, and after the valley of the end he chose to live completely cut off from humanity. Like Indra he wanted to save the world alone and like Sasuke is cut all the links to his past life. And in my opinion (but that's just me) I can't imagine him leaving behind his child in konoha, and saying to Hashirama that he has nothing left to protect after Izuna's death and later that he hates having someone on his back ~meaning people following his path. So no it seeems to me Madara was written in the manga as the epitome of lone wolf. Then no wife, no children. no clan, no brother. no friends and finally no dream anymore. And for Obito he was saying ancestor in a general way. Him, Itachi and Sasuke may descent from Izuna rather than Madara which could make sense Izuna, Mikoto and Sasuke being carbon copy of each others.

But thanks God, fanfics and Headcanons exist and we can still dream anything we want for our King😏

[sautethehorrors]

What is funger << could easily Google but want friend to tell me about it instead

Funger is short for Fear and Hunger, the first installment in the Fear and Hunger video game series. Its an awesome game that combines a jrpg play style with roguelike elements where each room of the dungeon, and the items found inside, generate randomly with each play through.

It's a one person endeavour created by a Finnish dude called Miro/orange, and it's a love letter to the horror game genre. It feels like a mix of Soulsbourne, Binding of Isaac, Silent Hill, and Pokemon vibes to me.

Basically you start out as one of four characters/classes: D'acre, the knight, Cahara the mercenary, Enki the dark priest or Ragnvaldr the outlander, and your quest is to enter the terrifying and mythical dungeons of Fear and Hunger in search of the leader of a mercenary army named Legard, who has been captured and imprisoned there.

The kicker of the game is that you only have 30 minutes to find him from when you first start the game. After that even if you find his prison he'll be dead, but you can still keep exploring the fucked up dungeons. There is SO MUCH to explore in the dungeons and truthfully I think it would take at least a few days of play time to actually find Legarde in under 30 mins.

Oh right, the other kicker of the game is that everything kills you. Like everything everything. At the start of the game you're way too weak to fight anything on your own, so it's more a survival horror game of trying to hide and outrun enemies while rooting through barrels and crates for items that coukd potentially be helpful. You have to keep track of your hunger bar by eating and drinking water, your body bar takes a hit whenever you get hurt (even from stuff like stepping on a rusty nail that can cause an infection that slowly drains health), and your mind meter is constantly dropping and needs to be sustained with whatever substances you can find, from wine to opium.

It's also not shy about sex and violence. You can lose limbs, which affects your ability to wield weapons, you can chop them off to prevent infection, you can use found limbs as weapons. There are several gods and their cults in the game and receiving their blessings can help you tremendously, but their rituals involve things like orgies, human sacrifice, and cannibalism. The game has a wonderfully bleak and beautiful artsyle, where the environments are decorated with torture devices, corpses and skeletons in various stages of decay or mutation, strange plants, tons of other shit that I don't want to spoil.

Fear and Hunger also has this incredible/awful mechanic where your whole game can evaporate on a literal coin toss. Certain enemy moves or rituals, or even saving the fucking game, require a coin toss where you literally lose everything if you fail it, and the death scenes are... pretty graphic. My first death involved character being chained to a torture table and having my limbs and genitals cut off one by one by the torture master on the second floor. I picked the wrong conversation option.

Every choice you can make in the game could go in any way. You never know who to trust, which way to go, or if the floor is going to collapse under you. This game makes you fucking insane, it's bleak and horrible but somehow it's so charming and beautiful at the same time. It punishes you SO HARD for your fuck ups, but getting it right is SO REWARDING. The dungeons seem endless with so much to explore, so many interesting enemies and such intricate lore and world building. It's a LOT and it's definitely not for everyone, but if you're the kind of person who likes a challenge as well as a fair amount of horror and storytelling in your games, you will LOVE it.

I haven't played the sequal, Fear and Hunger: Termina because even though I've been playing the first game for months I'm still not finished haha. Apparently Termina is even BIGGER with more characters and backstory and laakhsgdhsjahgshddjd. I'm trying to pace myself hahaha.

I got it pretty cheap on steam and I'm pretty sure it's only available on PC. The controls are so simple you could play it on an old SNES controller, which I'm a big fan of cos I am not the kind of gamer who has the patience to learn complicated multi button moves and shit. 4 direction keys, yes and no, straight into the game. The combat is turn-based which I enjoyed a lot because once you have a few other party members you can strategise your way through most fights.

It's definitely the kind of game where I've found myself keeping the wiki page open in the background because the game explains NOTHING to you and you have to figure everything out step by step. It makes you work for every tiny morsel of progress or story it feeds you. It pavlovs you into having visceral reactions to small sounds. It's a horrifying masterpiece and one of the most beautiful pieces of art I've ever experienced. I might have already been driven insane by it though.

So yeah, that's my current obsession in a nutshell. Thanks for coming to my ted talk :3

[frosty-tian]

Mixture of Self-Indulgence and Thinking A lot:

(Putting it under cut because rambling and admittedly a little embarrassed about it.):

Summarised:

Boulder and Graham deciding to tell others they’re dating/in a relationship, along with their reactions.

So, one thing I personally like to do is to imagine multiple ways on how something could happen/unfold.

I did mention in one post where they’re basically awkward but all lovey-dovey in private and basically have everything going at a good pace (including others accepting their relationship).

Another scene which I thought could happen is both initially having a lot of anxiety instead, considering so many factors (and it’s tough subject to not only think through but also bring up, let alone to family members).

It didn’t go as smoothly, even the beginning of the relationship because they had so many conflicting feelings about it. Emphasis on ‘had’ though.

That aside, with Boulder, he definitely told the other team members (at first he only wanted to tell/inform Heatwave, but he figured it would be better to tell the whole team in one go).

Initially there was a lot of confusion, mild shock, even protesting (a bit from both Heatwave and Chase in particular), but it all was settled quite quickly and he ended up getting the everyone’s full support, even having light jokes about it (“You must be one great ride to win him over!” “Blades!”)

(The main part that’s considered questionable to the bots is probably Gram being an alien to theme, and Heatwave worried about if they are able to separate it from their work relationship. I imagine Cybertronians don’t really have a solid concept of gender and I recall homosexuality in Cybertronian society being more normalized.)

The team-mates did agree (and trust) each other to not reveal the relationship to their respective human partners, mainly because Boulder emphasises how Gram may not be ready.

Now that Graham is mentioned, him? He’s a whole luggage of nerves, he doesn’t know how the rest would react, because heck, even he himself considers the whole relationship to be quite peculiar (to put it lightly).

(In his mine, outside of the bots being viewed as more masc-leaning in terms of appearance (not saying the Burns are homophobic, but someone thinking there’s a possibility of it is unnerving), there’s also the fact Boulder’s an alien which could almost be considered ’inorganic’.)

Cody was the first to find out (he simply has his own way of knowing things), he always sensed there was something between them. After he got confirmations, he promised not to tell others.

The first family member Gram approached himself was Charlie/Dad.

Two ways this could go, one is that Charlie is quite baffled (even thought his son was joking) when he approached and told him about the relationship.

Once he realizes he’s being serious, he does try his best to understand, and in the end, also gives his approval (and gives a lot of reassurance on Gram having is support with a congratulations). Much as there were some nights when Charlie ends up lying awake in his bed, trying to make sense of it.

The other way is Graham awkwardly asking if Charlie would approve the relationship between him and Boulder, then Charlie, with a confused but amused expression, tells him of course, he always supported them. Graham needed a moment to process it, dismay at how they’re apparently not stealthy in the slightest, but also relief and joy at his Dad’s approval, ending with him giving Charlie a big hug before going off to work again, giddy to the point of giggling slightly to himself.

What he fails to understand is that Charlie interpreted the ‘relationship’ he was talking about as the platonic/work partners type, not romantic.

A lot of shenanigans ensue.

One scenario, Boulder and Gram were under the impression that at least some have approved of their relationship. One day in the bunker it was only the bots and Charlie around (reviewing notes with Chase), and the couple, not having been able to express their affection as openly, decided to freely kiss just this once. Long story short, Charlie dropped his book from shock and everyone was confused (“Bu-Baby, didn’t you tell Chief about it?” “Yeah Bouldy, I did?”)

(Do have a lot more I would like to talk about, but for the time being, here’s a good chunk of it.)

[erstwhilesparrow]

I just saw that post you reblogged about archiving MCYT stuff - is there a particular reason stuff disappears so often? (That's very cool people are putting in so much effort to preserve it, though; big respect to that tbh)

reyni! :D okay i should be clear upfront that some of my information may be incomplete here because (1) i don't have twitter and (2) i'm not directly involved in any mcyt archival efforts. also putting this under a cut because it's long and i do need to reference recent events involving abuse and sexual assault:

despite mcyt = minecraft youtube(r), a lot of stuff relevant to mcyt happens like. exclusively on stream? really, really ~plot-critical or deeply characterizing stuff happens on stream sometimes and never makes it into a youtube video! and on twitch at least, unless you explicitly set it to save your vods, twitch will just delete them after a certain number of days. i don't know exactly how this works if you stream on youtube but also my impression is that a significant majority of people are not streaming on youtube anyway. since fairly early in my time in mcyt fandoms, there's been concern about creators not saving their own vods, and on top of that, sometimes you save a vod and it gets taken down anyway for copyright infringement (playing copyrighted music, the creator themself asked for it to be removed, etc). so like. as baseline, there's a sense of inherent ephemerality to the medium. that post i reblogged is explicitly pushing back against the description of mcyt vods as "a constantly burning library of alexandria," and in light of the evidence that follows i agree (and also am a little weepy about the efforts people make to save these things), but that sense doesn't come from nowhere, you know?

speaking of that post though, i suspect this archival stuff is coming up More now because it's been a rough couple of weeks in mcyt fandom. several really influential creators in the space were recently outed as being abusive or predatory in a way that's caught a lot of attention, and many people in response have been (understandably!) deleting their fanworks or otherwise distancing or removing themselves from mcyt fandom. i want to be clear, i know stuff gets deleted all the time in fanspaces -- the internet is kind of just Like That in terms of how easy it is to lose things -- and it's incredibly fair to go "no, even if there was a strong distinction between character and creator this leaves a sour taste in my mouth and i'm not doing this anymore." i don't want to pretend that no one has ever deleted a fanwork outside of mcyt spaces, and i don't want to insinuate that it's bad to vocally revoke your support of those creators -- those people have done awful things and generally failed to meaningfully apologize or take accountability, and it is worth remembering and saying so. but to give you a sense of numbers: antimony-medusa does monthly stats on mcyt fic on ao3, and dsmp, which even after it's kind of died off has seen monthly increases in the range of hundreds of new fic per month, saw a decrease of roughly 800 fics. other fandoms have similarly seen decreases, and video blogging rpf, which ao3 treats as an umbrella for basically all mcyt stuff, saw an increase of 51, as compared to last month's increase of (approximately) 3500. and that's just fic -- there's also a rich trove of animatics, fanvids, fanart, etc that i don't have any numbers for, but i've seen people talking about deleting those, too, you know? you see how people might be worried about what we are losing.

at this point i think your question is answered, but if you'll forgive some baseless speculation here, i wonder to what extent mcyt is also. complicated by how closely character and creator can sit? i don't know how other people feel, but there is a difference to me between "i've written fic about This Person Specifically (or, arguably, their streamer persona which may be somewhat divorced from the Real Life Human Being Behind The Screen)" and "i've written fic about a character this person plays." i dunno, there's a sense to me of the flimsiness of the line between creator and character and then also of the line between creator and fandom that i think makes it harder to be like "okay, i am doing my own thing, separate from the creator, so i'm going to keep my stuff public even if i don't stand by it 100% anymore." i remember when i first joined mcyt fandom, there was a period of time people were really worried that the creators were actively on ao3, or that fans would try to send their fanfic directly to the creators. i thought to myself, "well, if anyone Tries Shit with my work, i will simply delete all my relevant accounts and disappear." that's... not really a back-up plan that i feel good about these days, but. you know. it's been a thing, if not always for the same reasons, and i do understand the impulse.

[lycanlovingvampyre]

MAG 199 Relisten

Activity on my first listen: Slow Tuesday at work/after work...

MARTIN: "Anyone want another cup of tea?" Ah yes, Martin's solution for everything. Tea XD

MELANIE: "So, we’re seriously holding up ‘let Jon become god’ as a legitimate choice here?" Yeah, I guess Melanie would hate that. Even if it's not her god, with her being cut off from the Eye and all xD

So, as far as I see it from these first few sentences we have Melanie and Martin who want to send off the Fears. Then we have Jon who is adamant on becoming the Pupil and letting the Fears die so no other Jon ever has to suffer this. And Basira and Georgie, who are kiiiind of more on the neutral/fence-sitter side.

GEORGIE: "But is it all other realities, or just some of them?" JON: "Does it matter?" MARTIN: "I mean, maybe? If there are infinite worlds out there then “thousands” isn’t even a drop in the bucket, cosmically speaking." MELANIE: "'Cosmically speaking'?" MARTIN: "You know what I mean." [MELANIE SIGHS] BASIRA: "It’s still more than one, though, isn’t it? Which is what we’re discussing." It's time to bring up MAG 155 again! xD They are talking more than one, that's for sure, so it seems like they would do more harm if they send off the Fears, hitting more people than they are, in total numbers I mean. But are they? Here's the hypothetical part again (in MAG 155 it was that the statement giver was working on projects which could save thousands of lives. Hypothetical, cause in the end nobody knows if the projects would have actually failed if it wasn't for her). They don't know what these other worlds look like. We know there's one very similar to theirs from MAG 114. But how many people are there? Maybe all those other worlds are so much smaller that in total numbers they are less than the people here. Very unlikely I know, but there is no way to tell for sure.

GEORGIE: "Option two is Jon takes over from Magnus. Keeps the Powers contained here with us, and tries his best to make the place a little more… tolerable, until the end." MARTIN: "And we lose him." Technically, they don't know that either. Martin fears Jon's humanity will be lost once and for all. But what if he just stays the same?

MARTIN: "No, Jon, I’m sorry, but if one world still matters in an infinite spread of dimensions, then one person does, too." That's the problem. Jon doesn't think that way. If you're counting in total again, trading one life for so many others would have been quite expensive.

Lol, I just remembered this is basically Life Is Strange on a much larger scale and more complicated due to more variables and unknown outcomes XD

MELANIE: "I-I think the issue is he matters a bit too much." MARTIN: "The point is you don’t have a responsibility to sacrifice yourself just to make everyone else’s lives a bit easier." JON: "I’ve already made them a hell of a lot harder!" Okay first, fuck you, Melanie, seriously! Second, their conversation here again feels so real. Martin thinks Jon's martyr complex is bullshit and that it's not his fault. I feel like Jon did a lot better during their pilgrimage, accepting that it was not his fault and that he was used. But now after what Annabelle told them I'd say he sees himself existing already as his fault.

MELANIE: "Hey! Georgie didn’t do anything!" GEORGIE: "No, Melanie, I, I didn’t." MELANIE: [Softly] "Yeah." GEORGIE: "And maybe I should have. I kept out of it, even when I got a pretty good idea of what was going on towards the end. But… I should have known better. Hiding never helps." It's cool that doing nothing is also presented as doing something. (On a lighthearted note, it's just like someone asking you "Hey, what's your plan for the weekend?" - "Doing nothing" - "Great, then you can join-" - "No, you don't understand. My plan is to do nothing!" XD)

GEORGIE: "For a while! But… we couldn’t actually do anything, could we? Couldn’t save anyone." BASIRA: "Okay, fine, blame for everyone. But the hard fact is, Jon’s the only one who can take over the Panopticon." Oh wait, isn't there a Communist Bugs Bunny meme with Basira??

GEORGIE: "Which brings us to our third option." JON: Which is?" GEORGIE: "Do nothing. We… adapt to the new world, and just wait for it to finally end." Of course Georgie comes up with that one xD But she's right. As I said, doing nothing also is doing something.

BASIRA: "Do we actually have the right to make this decision? The five of us? For the whole world, or for maybe infinite worlds we know nothing about?" GEORGIE: "No, of course we don’t. But we’re the ones here." Ahh, I love the dilemma.

GEORGIE: "And I doubt there’s anyone else out there who’s in a better position to decide." JON: "There isn’t." I mean, Jon wouldn't know, he can't see them. They could technically try to ask other watchers who don't like that they ended up as a tormentor.

MELANIE: "Right? It’s kind of shitty to bring them out just to ask them if they’re willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good." There simply is no right way to do this.

MARTIN: "If it’s just a matter of guilt, then I’ll take it right now. I’d rather live the rest of my life lying awake wondering if I made the right choice, over lying awake listening to the screams of everyone on Earth being tortured!" JON: [Angry] "What? So it’s better for a thousand times more people to scream as long as we can’t hear them?" Very fair point of Jon. Also, most of the guilt would still be weighing on Jon, since he was the lynchpin to all this. I think it would totally fit his character to be high at risk of committing suicide in a scenario where they pass on the Fears and nobody knows he was the Archivist so nobody would come to take revenge on him.

MARTIN: "No! Because Annabelle said it wouldn’t be like that. Wherever they go, it’ll be like it was here before, with the Powers just lurking on the edges." MELANIE: "And our world survived like that for… for what, all of history?" MARTIN: "Mmmm." MELANIE: "Sure, it’s not great, but it’s, it’s not like those other realities won’t have bad stuff happening already. We all lived with monsters in the shadows, and we just got on with it." BASIRA: "Yeah, until we didn’t – until the ritual kicked off. What’s to stop the same thing happening in these other worlds?" MARTIN: "It, it took like millennia of failed rituals before this happened. That means there has to be a chance that it won’t happen at all, right?" Sooo many possibilities! It's such a shitty situation all over again!

MELANIE: "And if it does happen, it will be because of the actions of the people in those other dimensions, just like here it was because of –" JON: "Me." MELANIE: "Because of us." Ohhh, another Communist Bugs Bunny meme!! Also, if it does happen (another mass ritual working) it was only possible to happen at all because that world got the fears passed onto them. So it's not solemnly the fault of the people over there. Our crew would have given them the materials necessary for it.

MELANIE: "Exactly. Probably have their own Panopticon, their own Archivists." Oh yeah, what again are the stakes in The Magnus Protocol? TWO Panopticons and FOUR Eliases!!! xD

GEORGIE: "Well… Did Annabelle say for certain that this dimension is where they were, um, ‘born’, I guess?" JON: "No. No, the Eye can’t see its own creation, so… I don’t actually know how they came to be. Perhaps we can’t know." This does change things again. Annabelle said she doesn't know if they are unique to their world. But that there are definitely worlds without them to spread to. (Also, wait, isn't the MAG 200 statement exactly that?)

JON: "Sure, but even if that was true, it doesn’t change the situation." BASIRA: "Yes, it does. If it’s a choice between stopping the Fears completely – destroying them once and for all, here and now – or just being one universe they don’t escape, among potentially infinite ones where they do… Those are very different scenarios." Yeah exactly that, very well summarized.

JON: "We don’t know. And even if we hunted Annabelle down, and squeezed more information out of her, I don’t think she knows either. We simply don’t have that information, and we can’t just arbitrarily decide what’s true just because it makes the choice easier for us." Ahh yes. One of the themes in Magnus. Making decisions based on the information at hand at that point.

BASIRA: "No. No, I’m not just gonna stand here, and watch you try to justify murdering humanity." JON: [Angry] "How is it different from just letting it happen on its own?" BASIRA: [Forceful] "Because it is. It’s not an option. End of discussion." This and...

GEORGIE: "We’ve got to hope." JON: "Hope that our actions don’t destroy countless other worlds!" GEORGIE: "It’s better than the certainty that they’ll destroy this one!" [TENSE SILENCE] JON: "Sounds like you’ve all decided, then." ...this were breaking points. Especially not even counting Euthanasia as an option. It's Jon's life all over again. People deciding for him what to do. And the thing is, for the plan of passing on the Fears he doesn’t even have to do anything actively. All he need to do is watch them doing it. But doing nothing is also doing something...

GEORGIE: "Can I have a cigarette?" Noooooooooooo! This marks the point of no return. Just like MAG 1 already was the point of no return for them. And Jon once again takes the bait...

GEORGIE: "Then you won’t mind if I hang onto this?" JON: [Distracted] "Hmm." [FAINT STATIC RISES AND FALLS] Did Georgie know what the lighter means? Or that Jon can't keep track of it? We didn't hear how they explained the whole situation, so we don't know... And can this moment be seen as the one Jon finally sheds all the cobwebs off of him? Also I said last episode there's another lighter-moment for me, it's this one. Cause I missed this on my first listen!!! In MAG 200 I was just as surprised as Jon was when he looks for the lighter XD

GEORGIE: "I’m sorry. I know you hate what we’re doing." JON: "I hate all the options. I just… It’s all my fault, you know?" GEORGIE: "What, because you weren’t able to outsmart the literal embodiment of manipulation and scheming?" JON: "Mmm." GEORGIE: "We all make bad choices, Jon. It’s not your fault some eldritch horror decided yours were going to affect the whole world." For all the things Georgie did that made me not like her, I do like her for that one.

JON: "They were still my choices." GEORGIE: "Yeah. And you live with them. Or you don’t. That’s all there is, really." JON: "Hmm." I think that's another cog wheel for Jon to make his own decision.

MARTIN: "I’d understand if you hate me right now." JON: "What? No! No, Martin, I love you. I always will. And I know you love me too. I mean… [sighs] that’s it, isn’t it? That’s the real core of it. You want to save me." MARTIN: "I want you to save yourself." And that's the last puzzle piece for Jon to finally see the big picture. So to count them all again I personally would think its Jon learning his life was a set-up to this. The others dismissing his options. Georgie telling him all he can do is live with his choices or don't and finally this. Jon doesn't see sending off the Fears as saving himself. It's condemning himself. Again. Him saving himself would mean he can finally put a stop to this and save other people like him in return. Spare them the guilt.

JON: "Sometimes… I imagine if none of this had happened. If we had just… met. Been together, without… all of this." MARTIN: [Softly] "Me, too. … But we wouldn’t have, would we? Been together, I mean." JON: "Huh? W-What do you mean?" MARTIN: "Well, we had that, didn’t we? Almost a year of just working a normal job together, and you hated me." I don't think Jon meant this as them working in the Archives together. More like, him still in research, without the pressure of a job he's not qualified for, without a chaotic task of cleaning up after that one colleague who was about to retire and therefore didn't do their work anymore and without the feeling of The Eye pressing down on him. Just Jon meeting Martin in the library and getting to know him.

JON: "Oh god, Angela! Ha! She’s still about, you know? Lording it over a nasty little Flesh domain. Anyway, I didn’t explicitly say it. I… implied it." Face it, Jon, you're a prick xD

MARTIN: "Face it, Jon, it took almost two years of crisis and trauma to even make us compatible. And that sucks. But here we are. And I don’t want it to be for nothing. I won’t let it." JON: "That’s very sweet of you, Martin. Sort of. Thank you." I do see Martin's point of view and I think Jon sees it too. But I also think Jon thinks it will all be for nothing if he sends off the Fears. Also yeah, shared trauma can create a hell of a bond.

MARTIN: "Wherever you go, I go. That’s it." JON: "You promised to let me go. If I had to." MARTIN: "And you promised not to go if there was any other choice. And there is. So that’s the deal." JON: "That’s the deal." I wonder if it would have changed anything, if Martin left it at that. (Also "Wherever you go, I go" T__T)

MARTIN: "I guess that’s why it really bothers me, you know? I try, but I can’t actually imagine ever making a decision that I knew meant losing you. And it… It hurts to know you can." Oh no. If reminding Jon of his promise might have actually turned him around, than this here definitely sealed the deal on going with his own decision again. Martin basically admits here, that he wouldn't have held up his end of the bargain. This makes it sound like Martin is relieved he doesn't have to break his promise cause he definitely would have anyway. I think this is so crucial to what Jon ends up doing.

JON: "I did this. It’s my fault. And I don’t want… I can’t let anyone else feel that. That helpless, enormous guilt. Ever." [JON SNIFFS AS IF TEARING UP] MARTIN: "Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, come here, come here." [FABRIC RUSTLES, WITH SNIFFS FROM JON] Oh fuck that wrecked me. Still does. In general, these "hey, hey, hey, hey, hey"s get me, I don't know why. It was the same in MAG 102, when Jon does it when Martin begins spiraling into his guilt over not even knowing Jon was kidnapped.

MELANIE: "We were scouting. I was showing Basira where we think the gas mainline is." MARTIN: "And?" BASIRA: "Not good. You know those eye things?" JON: "The old Archivists?" BASIRA: "Yeah. I think they know something’s up. The place is crawling with them. It’s like they’re looking for something." I mean yeah, it's world-building, but also a bit of a loose end, since we never hear their struggle to get to the gas main. I think Jonny mentioned in one of the Q&As/Retrospectives that he thought about squishing in a scene of that somewhere in MAG 200 but he couldn't find a fitting place for it. And I think he's right. I don't think it fits anywhere before Jon realizes the lighter is gone and then an explosion immediately hits, it would kind of devalued this moment. And after that there's already too much going on, breaking off Jon and Martin at that point would destroy the atmosphere. But it's fine, there's a lot in TMA that was implied which we never actually hear first hand. It does give MAG 200 a bit of a suspense, like are they actually able to light up the gas main.

MELANIE: "Jon, you’re sure about this whole gas main thing? It just seems, I don’t know, really mundane." JON: "It’s what Annabelle said, and she wasn’t lying. At least, she didn’t think she was." It's also what Gertrude was planning on doing and she had lots of experience about blowing stuff up.

MARTIN: "You’re not listening. I mean, if he kills Jonah, then knowing our luck he’s just going to end up taking his place in the Panopticon, isn’t he?" Hmm, there's quite some dream logic involved. Cause in MAG 193 Jon said "The Eye would choose a suitable replacement" and "If we kill Jonah Magnus, I take his place". It is never specified if different persons killing Jonah have different outcomes. But I guess you could argue that if Jon himself does it, he's more connected to he whole thing going on and the Eye would be much quicker to put him into place. With someone else doing it (whom the Eye does not see fit to become the Pupil) it probably takes a few moments to connect to the Archivist.

MARTIN: "He can come up with me, but when it actually comes to Jonah…" It wooould make more sense for Jon to hide in the tunnels, cause the Eye can't properly see this place. It would probably take a looooot longer to get to Jon, which is easier for them to time their operations. Buuut, if Jon had to stay in the tunnels, we would immediately know Jon went up to Jonah alone, and so we still have a few seconds benefit of the doubt.

BASIRA: "I just mean… um… If we don’t make it out of this… I wanted to say thanks. For coming back for me. [sighs] What I did… Who I was… I – Thanks." JON: "I’m sorry for all of this." Aw, same thought as with Georgie earlier.

BASIRA: "We’ve all got regrets. But we can’t undo what’s done. All we can do is try and do something worthwhile with the time we’ve got left." [HEAVY SIGH FROM JON] JON: "Yeah." Oh no, that "Yeah" didn't sound good...

@a-mag-a-day

[your-old-sins-tournament]

OC NAVAL WARFARE

/ -- Romantic

*-- Unlabelled/Other

+ -- QPR

& -- Familial

Elitheocecily (Elijah Scott * Theodore Churchill * Cecily Churchill)

OK SO. theodore is an angel from heaven disguising himself as a human on earth. cecily knows this, elijah does not. theodore met cecily shortly after coming down to earth and fell head over heels in love with her like its insane how much this man loves his wife. shes literally the only reason he stays on earth. they are both best friends with elijah, whos a priest and is REEEAAAALLLYY fucking repressed and so deep in the closet its ridiculous. hes convinced himself that its actually really normal heterosexual friendship stuff to be completely infatuated with your boy best friend. he thinks hes being really covert but cecily and theodore both are aware of it. cecily thinks its really funny and theodore just finds it really endearing :) if youve ever seen singin in the rain they basically have lie the same dynamic as don kathy and cosmo its great i love them

HG^2 (Charlie "Chuck" Beaumont/Octavian "Tavi Osborne)

Tavi is a cringe-fail loser spoiled rich kid protegy who never properly developed any social skills aside from making people swoon over them. They fell off their god-complex high-horse so hard it landed them in prison for their parents' murder. (They got better, though!) (Tavi, not the parents. The parents are still very much dead.) Chuck has extreme middle child syndrome and enough guilt to strangle the horse Tavi just fell off of (figuratively) .They were so desperate for outside validation that their old girlfriend straight-up poisoned them and they thought nothing of it. Grades and success always meant the world to them until they met Tavi and discovered that reputation wasn't everything. Sometimes being "evil" can be fun, too. Between these two they could fill a lake with their self-loathing, and then fill another with their love for eachother. They are in it together to the end, along with the children they somehow manage to pick up along the way. (These two are technically Marvel/Spiderverse OCs, though they are very separated from the Canon. My partner and I have gone kinda nuts with them over the years, and their story now includes elements/characters from: Ouran High School Host Club, The Magnus Archives, Danny Phantom, Ace Attorney, Supernatural, Harry Potter (as a parody), and many more that I cannot recall.)

Tavi (or Octavian [They/Them]) is the child of two multi millionaire parents. Though they had quite the god complex as a child it was slightly dampened by their roommate/rival/friend Chuck when they got to college at the age of 16. Though they had many wacky adventures during their four years together, that soon came crashing down when their parents were murdered during graduation. So like any sane person they cut off all contact to anyone that they cared about and started getting a Doctorate (after they were miraculously proven innocent). From their they spiraled until they turned 28 and started working at their parents' old company were they run back into Chuck. Chuck (or Charlie [They/Them]) is the middle child of 8, being sandwiched in-between two sets of twins and one set of triplets, wants to noticed within the family. This is achieved when they manage to graduate highschool early and get a huge full-ride scholarship to MIT. They are lead to be roomed with the other 16 year old, Tavi. Through their four years of people assuming that they are dating (they would like to date the but they definitely don't feel the same [they do]) their time together was cut off when their mother had to got to the hospital where she would die a year later. Gets into a toxic relationship, or should I call it poisonous?, relationship with a girl named Gray. That relationship ends and they get a job at a big science place where they eventually reunite with Tavi. Though their relationship starts off very rocky they find bonding time after becoming villains against a common foe and starting a twitch together. Eventually they find a bigger bad and adopt the first villain together <3 (Technically they are Spiderverse/Spiderman ocs but do NOT follow canon very well. Their lore goes further down the rabbit whole but I feel like this gives a good impression of them both haha [I kinda got carried away is what I am saying])

[rubiesintherough]

okay, i know i've talked about this stuff ad nauseum, but i'm doing replies with her right now and i'm having a ton of feelings, so let a sad bitch cry about her healer birb bby. this is gonna be a tough read, bc, well, her.

Just the fact that Mahia was 12 when everything went down. Just 12. Up until that point, she was a happy child. Had a loving family, if a little strict. Had her whole life laid out for her, was deep into her training to become a healer, just like many of the other Gifted kids in the village. It was what she wanted to do, had her heart set on it. She was having fun, running through the woods, splashing in streams, going to festivals in the village square, causing mischief with her younger brother, Danin. Just being, for all metrics on her world, a normal kid.

And then everything fell apart when her brother was killed by a wild animal, during a hunt gone wrong... his first out with their father, like an initiation. She'd seen him off that morning with the rest of the hunting party... and was the first to spot her father carrying his body home. And she couldn't cry. Wasn't allowed to. In her culture, crying for the dead is a disrespect. It's seen as basically spitting in the face of the Ancestors, their deities... as though implying that the person loved wasn't given enough time. Questioning the will and plans of the higher powers. 12 years old, she'd just lost her only sibling. Her best friend, and partner in childish crime. And she was punished for crying. Couldn't even outwardly mourn him.

And, then, only a few short months later --- while she was still silently grieving Danin --- the attack happened. And she watched friends, and neighbors, and family, get gunned down. Saw her home burning. Was rounded up with all the surviving children of the village and carted away in the dark, to another world. To the Lab. She watched the lifeless bodies of her friends wheeled past her every couple weeks, twisted and changed and only barely recognizable. And all the while, she was being stripped apart, too. Wings grafted on and organs removed, all without any form of anesthesia... she'd just pass out from the pain and wake up back in her holding cell, a little less human than when she'd been dragged from it, hours before. And just wondering, every time she heard those footsteps coming, if she was going to wake up this time. Or if it was her body that was going to be wheeled out, next.

And when she finally, 6 months of torture later, managed to escape the cell and stowaway on a ship... with a crew that were actually good people... she got brought back home, and was hoping against all odds that things would be okay. Maybe some of her family had, somehow survived. And ended up burying the charred remains of her own parents, and all others who died, on the edge of her village. It was a rushed job. She didn't have time to do any kind of required funeral rites for any of them, so she doesn't even know if her loved ones were allowed into the afterlife. Or if that's just another way she failed them.

And then got dropped off on Earth. Still a child. Still 12 years old. And had to fend for herself... nights in the cold, hungry, running from wild animals, learning how to fly with the wings she wanted so badly to cut off, hiding from everyone. Only to find out she was being chased by a group sent specifically after her by the Lab. To bring her back, dead or alive. Ended up killing one of them in a panic. A swing of her dagger --- pulled from the wreckage of her village --- slashing the Hunter's throat and she ran, and could hear him choking to death on blood behind her, and damn, if she can't still hear that awful sound sometimes. So, she took a life. Which was viewed as one of the worst crimes in her culture, self-defense or otherwise.

Truly believes she's been abandoned by the deities she prayed to her whole life, because she's so far from home, no longer fully human, and has taken a life... cut off from them. Cut off from any hope of seeing her family, again, if they were even allowed into the afterlife. But, she has to keep going. Because giving up or dying means letting her home's memory die. And it means letting those who took her apart win.

Mahia Emerga, who cannot allow herself to die, cannot live, cannot exist in the world she's always flying so far above. Hiding in forests, doing her best to heal others who need it, to atone for the damage she's done, and all her failures. She needs to survive, but sometimes she can't even tell if she's alive anymore.

[theropoda]

something to be said about the special kind of fucked up that is when the harm comes from inside. when i was younger i agonized so much over why i was so Damaged even though i had no trauma or a bad childhood but i think that's cause my understanding of such, was limited entirely to "an outside force harming me" and nothing else. like an accident, like poverty or war, like abusive parents, or being harmed psychically or mentally by someone else. did not at all account for "being harmed from the inside". my parents tried their best, we had the privilege of being able to visit several doctors, i don't remember any traumatic environmental experiences (like a near death accident or disaster or what have you) my body and brain just failed me so badddd and there was just nothing to be done about it. except a few therapies that either didn't do much or were avoided because they were too, uh... "did not take into account the fact that a child is a small person with agency and feelings and not some animal to be manhandled"-y (thank god for my parents for recognizing that) wasn't deprived of any basic human right other than i suppose, "not being fucked up in ways you couldn't think of". But that's disability for you!!! ;!!!!!!!!!! I wish i could have recognized sooner i was just a disabled child and the gradual, straws-on-a-camel's-back build up of trauma it brings. maybe then i wouldnta spent so many years secretly wishing i had abusive parents cause it meant i had a good reason to be Fucked in the Head

just. one of the earliest examples of something that seems to be a common theme or running gag in my life which is feeling left out all the time other people sharing something i don't have. and every time, every single time, it's not like people do it out of malice! no one is singling me out on purpose i just feel so alone and alien in these experiences. it's not anybody's fault that they simply have not experienced the highly specific circumstances that have defined my life and my brain. but it just feels awful to not have anyone to really spill my heart out to about these things and hear their response, "god i know the feeling. i know it exactly. i know what you are going through i understand the specific hell that it is." it's usually just "im so sorry". again, nobody's fault! but it just sucks so bad.

and it repeats itself everywhere i go. and when i think about it, every single different time in which i feel singled out and alone from everyone else can probably be routed back to the original event: growing up disabled as a kid. in a way that cut me off from so many fucking normal experiences people usually have. im not missing out on anything that i need to survive, thankfully. got my basic animal needs met, like food and a roof over my head. but im missing out on things that make me human. lots of school and education stuff especially.

i am not just surviving, i do not live off scraps, but im not thriving either. i feel like a pet who gets nice beds and good food and regular vet checkups, a good sized cage and everything but no enrichment. i don't need enrichment to live but ill go fucking insane without it. is there such a thing as trauma from fucking monotony, from no enrichment? stuck in the same place, same thing same people every day? it's a good place here. i am not in danger or anything. i just think im being torn apart by the absolute nothing. if i wasn't disabled id be doing so much more, doing everything i can, to have experiences, try new things, learn new things get a job do something anything. i can't though! Lol. Everyday is exactly the same.

aren't i just a fucking parrot?

im not a bug expert by any means but what i have gleamed from following Bug Blogs (Blessed May They Be) is that their needs are specific, but basic, simultaneously. like ig for isopods is food, water. shelter. protection from disease and death. the right temp, humidity. life is good.

but a parrot? n.... no...? good food, water, shelter, a good sized cage, protection from disease. that is good. but if that's all it has, a parrot will, from my understanding, tear itself asunder. literally. i have heard feather plucking can result from sheer lack of enrichment, boredom, monotony.

i feel like that. parrot that kills itself because no touys [kramer voice] it's like a gilded cage inhere if you read this far im so sorry i promise im fine sometimes it just dawns on you. sometimes i see something and i am just reminded of uh (points to above novel length text) all of this. Wait i just realized i already have trichotillomania so i really am feather plucking in a way wait . hey guys what was th

.

[jenyfly]

There's a bookstore called Red Balloon Bookshop that my mom would take me to when I was a kid, and it's at that bookstore that I remember pulling the first The Dark Is Rising book off the shelf. I also remember that the book was higher than eye level, so it was one of those moments where you had to wait until it was actually in your hands before you could thoroughly consider it as your next read. I was enamored pretty quickly; there's a scene, maybe, that involves some understated juxtaposition between a still winter scene, dark and murky, and Will's sister braiding her hair or something, and I still find it striking, that proximity of magic and the mundane. For me, Will was the one with staying power; he was steady, a little boring as the main vessel for action, but he occasionally flashed a smile or cracked a joke that made him passable as human. That was so weird to me, this kid pretending to be a kid, and I was obsessed. His bond with Bran evoked something similar; that moment where Will could sense something he knew none of the others could, "except one," felt anomalous and privileged, except maybe Cooper was simply saying he wasn't so alone anymore.

Reading The Dark is Rising was, as it turns out, a personal prerequisite for reading The Raven Cycle, because part of the reason why I was intrigued, aside from being inundated by fancast posts on Tumblr, was learning that Stiefvater obviously read the series, then pulled that thread into another universe. I still don't have any physical copies of the books, but I've been living with a Gangsey-cut groove in my brain for the past nine years, which is basically a long-term relationship, and relationships require traditions. So first, happy birthday, Adam Parrish. Second, I did end up finishing The Dreamer Trilogy. Has it fundamentally changed anything I felt about the previous series? Not really. Am I glad I read it? Come on, of course. I feel like it's clear the series was written under duress. Things that are designed to withstand certain loads should also be designed to fail at a certain point; the idea is to make failure predictable, then build in redundancies. The convergence of loose threads -- and the pace at which that happens -- seems to be that point of failure for many writers. But I don't think Stiefvater did too badly, even if a few mysteries remain.

A short list of coincidences that delighted me while reading: The Lynch family migrating north coincided with our move north; we lived right off the Dulles Toll Road and now we're frequenting family in the Boston suburbs. It's almost like half the country lives along the Eastern Seaboard or something. I already mentioned Great Falls, Georgetown, but we also went sailing last summer; the Venn diagram of Declan Lynch's date spots and our date spots is a circle. Rajiv Surendra's video on John Singer Sargent popped up on my YouTube feed soon after finishing Greywaren. I'm getting married this summer, in an art museum. I would love, actually, to read The Dark is Rising, The Raven Cycle, and The Dreamer Trilogy in tandem, just to see what that's like. Like, I know it was never really about Welsh kings, but still, why the Welsh kings?

[the-13th-rose]

👀 questions eyyyy?

Here's some f/o questions I've randomly thought of that I don't think I see much on ask memes!:

😤🎯 What's a popular fanon interpretation of your f/o that you just cannot, for any reason at all, stand to see? The kind that has you like "LOOK HOW THEY MASSACRED THEM"?

🤣💖 What are things your f/o does that always, without fail, earn a laugh from you?

😳💞 What about your f/o makes your heart flutter? Personality? Epic moments? Their voice? Lay it on me!

🥺💬 If you could say one thing to your f/o and know for sure it would be delivered to them and they be able to react to it, what would it be?

thanks for chatting! This got SO long so check under the cut!

You may have already seen me complain about Ventress's eventual canon development and how a lot of the fandom that actually makes stuff for her seems to embrace that (basically, her endgame in canon was getting into a short-lived relationship with a jedi I don't personally care for besides just his role in her death - which eventually led to her doing the egregiously ooc (imo) thing of sacrificing herself for the guy. Sorry but imo she did not undergo enough heroic character development for me to believe that she would do that for anyone, much less a good guy. And she also doesn't seem the type to allow love to turn her foolish.)

The only thing I can say about Beast is that I dislike the Beast!Wirt concept. It doesn't feel in-character and I dislike the idea of Beast being able to possess people at all, it feels dismissive of his actual more subtle scare factor and him being able to do so would open up a world of cinemasins nitpicking for the plot (ie; "why would Beast have to convince the Woodsman to help him if he could just possess him instead"). I'm chill with the corrupting influence of the black turtles, but the dog-beast wasn't literally intelligently possessed by the Beast himself. It was kinda just berserk and hungry.

I might end up with something to say about all or most aha...uh for Biowulf I haven't seen many fanon takes on him (the Generator Rex fandom is mostly dead and those who remain don't care about Wulfy much) but the one I have seen that I dislike is the belief that he was a dog pre-mutation. Like, seriously? Do you just think every animal-like E.V.O. (mutant monsters from the show for the uninformed) was never human. Sorry, but Biowulf is a biker dude to me. He may have always been doglike in some ways, but I refuse to believe he was once non-sapient, or that he'd regress to that state if his mutation was ever reversed.

I. have many opinions on Grievous. many of which are not popular perhaps. Uh the thing that bugs me the most is people who write him off completely as a goofy meme character. Yes, he's funny sometimes, he has humorous aspects to his character, and fundamentally some things about him are inherently ridiculous, but I really dislike the fans who will scoff at people like me that believe in the potential for complexity and depth for him. And yes, I have seen fans do that. I have seen fans make fun of in-depth character analysis or more complex fan interpretations of him because "he's a funny meme villain". Star Wars is a hellscape of a fandom and there are so many assholes here. Many that don't even seem to REALIZE that they're being jerks. I like the memes with him, but I hate seeing him pushed aside and disregarded when it comes to the popular idea of getting really deep with TCW's symbolism and themes. I don't understand why only the "good guys" are allowed to be involved in that and all the villains must remain as basic kid-show-level evil as their vanilla selves. Especially when the show itself dabbled in the idea of at least some of the "bad guys" being complex (even though I wound up disliking a lot of what was done with Ventress)

I also have many opinions on Harry Warden!!! I. Really dislike the way the slasher fandom has chosen to reduce him to cannibalism jokes and like nothing else! A. There is so much more to his concept than just the cannibalism and when you take a step back, the cannibalism is actually probably one of the LEAST interesting things about him!! and B. Unlike other horror cannibals like Hannibal or the Sawyers, there is nothing to suggest Harry actually LIKED eating his coworkers and canonically there's no mention of him ever trying it again. It was a desperate act to avoid starvation that without a doubt worsened the trauma the cave-in and weeks of isolation likely already caused him. And this is not me trying to woobify a slasher, I genuinely do not believe he is a willing cannibal or a purely opportunistic killer. To portray him as either, imo, weakens him as a character and makes him less interesting in a sea of willing cannibals and purely opportunistic killers. The lovecore aesthetic can only carry him so far alone.

The only thing I can say about Licorice Cookie's fanon interpretations that thoroughly irks me is. like basically every popular ship for him. I'm sorry, and you're free to enjoy your ships at your leisure, but Licorice is absolutely not the guy to fall for bubbly goody-goody types. He's embarrassingly obsessed with villainy and darkness. I like the goth x sunshine ship dynamic as much as the next guy, but someone as hellbent on being a campy villain as Licorice would absolutely not fawn over anyone who isn't just as into villainy as he is.

The Rango fandom is basically nonexistent but for the most part I think the few people who post about Jake do get it right. The only thing that irks me is when he's described as a "redeemed" villain. Buddy, developing respect for the hero and choosing not to kill him as a result, is not full redemption. He doesn't express regret for a single evil thing he did, he doesn't apologize, he doesn't even help the hero outside of telling him the equivalent of "good job, dude" and carrying the true villain off to kill him off-screen (which he didn't do for Rango anyway. He just wanted revenge against the true villain for betraying him!) Rattlesnake Jake is super fucking cool but he is not redeemed. And that's part of why he stays cool from introduction to final shot!

For Shockwave, I don't actually find it all that annoying, but I am very confused as to why half of his fans seem to ship him with the cop he kills. I get enemies-to-lovers and I get hate ships and I get the kinky appeal of two enemies hatefucking and I even get the kinky appeal of a villain stalking and obsessing over one of their canon victims. I just want to know why most of the stuff I've seen of them is complete fluff. What is the appeal of taking a ship where the main appeal would be how conceptually messed up it is...and then stripping it of any messed up elements. I've seen that happen to multiple conceptually messed up ships and it just...feels so boring. Be shameless, bro. Embrace the fucked up elements of your ship.

lololol sorry for taking so long on the first question :D but you probably wanted an essay anyway if you're messaging me about my blorbos. For the laugh question, I absolutely love Demongo's laugh and his excitement over violence. He has such an adorable laugh and I always smile and giggle when I hear it. If you can get into the independently revamped version of FusionFall or play the Flashpoint archived version, there's a kind of follower pet (they're called Nanos) based on him and GOD all of his lines are pure joy. He laughs, says cute evil things, and is so sweet to the player in his own evil way.

Licorice makes me laugh in a similar way, because he's just SUCH a dork and it's cute as hell. I just hope he knows that even though I laugh at his attempts to be intimidating, I still very much love him and am rooting for him.

I absolutely love NOS-4-A2's mannerisms and little speech quirks, I can never get over him excitedly somersaulting in the air when he's telling Zurg how he took over Star Command HQ in his debut episode. He's so proud of himself!!! And "OH, don't take that tone with ME, Zurg!" always cracks me up. He's a very funny robo-serial killer.

Ozzie makes me laugh with his rampant horniness, really. I'm the kind of person who gets very giggly when flustered positively. And he's the kind of guy who knows this and finds it adorable. We make each other laugh :)

Shen just makes me laugh with how he reacts to not being treated seriously. He gets flustered easily, he's angered easily, and in both cases it's very funny. When he's not actually willing to throw feather knives at you, he can only yell indignantly, and that's just cute :) It's one of his most bird-like moments, angrily squawking at you because he doesn't like how you looked at him.

I can't even go from f/o to f/o on the third question because we would be here FOREVER. The short of it is, I discovered my voice kink through selfshipping and it's why my list is like 85-90% animation. For a lot of mine, it's the voice that initially drew me to them and/or made me stick around when the visuals drew me in first. Even a lot of my casual friends-with-benefits f/os are voice-based.

Oh gosh, I have no answer for the fourth question. I'd be so nervous to say anything! I guess I just want them to know I love them :)