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recordsstraight · 3 years ago

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EMMA + ALCOHOLISM

So since there’s enough people here that don’t know Emma that much and don’t know of her alcoholism, I’ve decided to do an in depth headcanon about it all. I apologize ahead of time at how long this is going to get, but also I’m not sorry. When I tell this story, please keep in mind that Emma lives in Canada, where the legal age to drink is 18!

the normalizing: Alcohol was normalized in her life long before she was old enough to drink. Every day that her Father would come home, he would pop open a beer and have two or three to ‘unwind’ for the day, no matter if it was a good day or a bad day. The bad days, Steve tended to switch to a hard liquor rather than having a beer. Even at a young age, it wasn’t uncommon for Emma to be the one to go and ‘fetch’ a beer for him as he sat in his chair, and on special occasions (like holidays and whatnot), Emma was allowed to have a single glass of wine. And while none of these things are precursors or reasons why Emma fell into alcoholism, it did normalize alcoholism because yes, there is such a thing as casual alcoholism and it absolutely played a part in her life and deserves to be mentioned.

the beginning of it all: As Emma got older and more in her teen years, Steve let her have drinks a bit more frequently than just holidays and special occasions. Granted it wasn’t a lot, but it only furthered the normalization of it all ... and when her middle brother and her father’s relationship began to crumble and fall into flames, Emma began to sneak the alcohol ... a fact that only increased the moment Steve was killed in an accident at work.

Now you might be thinking ... where was Emma’s mother, Mikayla, during all of this? Well ... she certainly didn’t approve of how Steve gave Emma alcohol like he did, but when it came down to it, when Steve so blatantly ignored his wife to do so anyways, it created a certain sort of rebellion in Emma after the fact that he was gone. In the middle of her own grief, its hard to keep account of the alcohol that’s consumed in the household, especially when one of your children is old enough to drink. The blame has nothign to do with Mikayla, and everything to do with the brothers who bought alcohol to replace what they all were drinking, not thinking for one moment that Emma’s consumption was getting worrisome. A fact that only worsened when the family moved from the home that they lived in up until Steve’s death.

Kyle: This fuck deserves his own section in this, because Kyle is the biggest and heaviest influence in Emma’s drinking. He was one of the first people that Emma met after they moved. She was fragile ... influenceable, and she was fun. He ‘took her under his wing’, allowed her to feel an emotional high with his attention, and considering he was a partier and he was a couple years older, he was yet another source of provision of alcohol to her. He contributed heavily to her alcoholism, actively encouraging her as she drank herself into full black outs, even going so far at one point to send Emma to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. As his narcissistic personality comes out is when this happens, as Emma uses alcohol as a crutch, as a way of drinking away her problems ... a fact that worsens yet again after the rather spectacular and horrific end to their relationship.

pregnancy and postpartum: because Emma was drinking as she was, its a fucking miracle that she didn’t lose her pregnancy, let alone have Aubrey born without some serious medical issues. For nearly 3 months Emma didn’t realize she had morning sickness, merely playing it off as her hangovers. It was during one of the few moments where she didnt’ have a drink for a few days and her morning sickness continued that she realized what might be happening ... and was absolutely horrified at the result of her multiple pregnancy tests. She was, after all, still a teenager, and still in school ... and pregnant with a man’s child who she was no longer with. At first, it was difficult to remain sober, but she did so until the end of her pregnancy, and because alcohol was deemed such a large part of her life ... she chose to formula feed over breast feeding for one reason, and one reason along: so she could drink when she wanted to without hurting the baby further. The day she got home, she poured herself a drink, and every night when Aubrey was asleep Emma would do the same. Hell there were many nights when Emma was up with a colicy baby that she’d still have somethign to drink after putting a screaming Aubrey down in her crib, and let her scream because absolutely nothing would help ... a fact that was born from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

guilt: after she found out she was pregnant, after it was discovered that Aubrey was underweight and underdeveloped in the beginning and remained underweight through the pregnancy and birth, Emma is under no illusion that its not her fault... and every day through the pregnancy guilt eats away at her. She knows damn well that the colic Aubrey endures for hours on end is her fault. She knows that Aubrey being born premature and with the fact that newborn clothing was way too big for Aubrey was Emma’s own fault. Guilt eats away at Emma and only fuels the need for alcohol further. A couple nights she gets too drunk to tend to Aubrey over it all, forcing Mikayla to tend to both her child and her grandchild ... for they both live under her roof yet.

recovery: it isn’t until Emma’s mother meets a man by the name of Joey that Emma starts down a different path. She couldn’t tell you what prompted Joey and her to have the night conversation that they did, she couldn’t tell you what exactly it was that was said ... but she does remember the overwhelming emotion that had her breaking down in his arms. She had accepted him at the very least by then ... and a relationship was beginning to form, but that night was a turning point. its not an easy thing, and its not without her relapses and her issues with AA, a class that she wound up dropping out of and going to a more local group with Joey’s help and presence. And just like with any recovering addict, its not just once that she falls flat on her ass in her attempt to get sober. But there’s one thing that some other’s might not have: a solid support system that’s unwavering and as nonjudgmental as they come.

staying sober: Emma’s a mother ... and the mommy wine culture runs rampant through motherhood. She has yet to meet a single mother who doesn’t casually make jokes about alcoholism, or try insisting on Emma drinking, or even criticize her for not drinking wine with them. Being a mother in Canada and eventually the States is her own personal hell, and because of it, Emma has next to no friends that are parents. She had found early on that cutting them out and keeping them out tends to fair better on her mental health and her ability to stay sober than trying to educate them or even tell them that she was a recovering addict. The times that she tried? The invites to hang almost instantly stopped coming and excuses rose.

being Emma’s friend / partner: you have to have a basic understanding of what being with a recovering alcoholic means. No, Emma doesn’t mind if you drink around her ... but should it become excessive or should you start leaving alcohol at her house, she will ask you to stop and if you can’t respect it, she’s not below cold cutting you out of her life. Just because she doesn’t drink, doesn’t mean she will expect you not to ... but she does expect the basic respect of her boundaries that it creates. It took a long time for Emma to find those boundaries through trial and error, but now that she knows it and knows her own limits, she is unwavering and won’t budge on it.

#Emma: headcanon #long post

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dumb-dumb-mander · 3 years ago

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@kerra-and-company

This is my first time yup... !

I will rant a bit under the cut, so spoilers and a bit tipsy already (don't judge me, I didn't eat for hours)

I knew for Trahearne even before downloading the game (my friend @salad-tales was playing and I told her to tell me everything she wanted to about it because I would never play it... I was wrong) so I'm not as destroyed as I should be

But...

Still...

I... hate how the game makes you HOPE, like, TRULY HOPE to save him

But everything, everything around is insensitive

There are people you know, even if Anet wanted to kill Trahearne because of the Dude Bro with tiny eggplant, there were others people in danger

and yoy decude to make the commander making JOKE?

Visit Rata Novus like if he was a tourist??

Yes, there were info, but it was so little and I still feel it so wrong to g to Rata Novus while people are in danger next to it

And it was so little that even if we didn't go to Rata Novus, it would have changed nothign to the story

It's not because you know about "all dragon have a weakness" that explain why and how you decide to go in Voldemort Mordremoth mind

It has nothing to do with what you find in rata Novus

Also, all this doesn't make me like Caithe more and I do appreciate that the Commander is very angry toward her in the instances and has trust issues with ehr from now on (if you don't choose her)

My commander, Mikhail, will be VERY angfry toward her ; if he didn't needed to run after her ass because she stole the egg without any explanation, he would have been THERE

Does it would have changed anything? maybe not. But you can change the world with "if"

To finish this rant

I... absolutely hate how NONE

NONE

of them talk about Trahearne right after the last instance

Canach I CAN understand

But Caithe? That in the freaking story book it said she acts like a big sister to him???

Anet, at least TRY to look to care

#blabla #reply #dekete later maybe #maybe #brain is ranting

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shesey · 3 years ago

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Excerpts from “She came to stay” by Simone de Beauvoir | Part 1

“She exercised that power: her presence snatched things from their unconsciousness; she gave then their colour, their smell.” “She alone evoked the significance of these abandoned places, of these slumbering things. She was there and they belonged to her. The world belonged to her.” “At this moment she did not in the least regret that Pierre was not beside her: there were some joys she could not know when he was with her; all the joys of solitude.” “I’d like to think that the whole world is asleep, that at this moment you and I are the only living souls on earth.” “I feel calmer now, because I’m convinced that wherever I may go, the rest of the world will move with me. That’s what keeps me from having any regrets. Regrets for what? Said Gerbert. Having to live only in my own skin when the world is so vast.” “It amazes Elizabeth that I’m not ambitious; but that’s precisely why. I don’t want to try to cut out a special place for myself in the world. I feel that I am already in it.” “Where others only saw an impenetrable jungle, Pierre saw a virgin future which was his to shape as he chose. That was the secret of this strength.” “The truth is that I enjoy the early stages. You don’t understand that? Perhaps, said Francoise, but I would not be interested in an affaire which had no continuity.” “If they were not mentioned, it was almost as if they had not existed at all, and this allowed a shameful subterranean vegetation to grow up under the surface of true existence where she felt utterly alone and in danger of suffocation.” “How easy it was to live a full life in a world that held both the ruins at Delphi and the bare Provencal hillsides, as well as this congeries of humanity!” “Each one of these men, each one of these women present here tonight was completely absorbed in living a moment of his or her insignificant existence.” “No longer was she conscious of risk, or hope, or fear; only of this happiness over which she did not even have control.” “Imprisoned in happiness.” “After all, nothing obliged her to resume her work the very next day. It was slightly absurd to spend hour after hour here without dancing, without speaking to a soul, but if one set one’s mind to it there was a fascination to be found in this kind of self-absorption.” “But this yard, cluttered with old stage sets, had lost none of its poetry by becoming an everyday sight.” “Sexual faithfulness is perfectly ridiculous. It leads to pure slavery. I don’t understand how you can tolerate it.” “Nonsense. You’re not going to tell me that it’s never happened to you to feel desire for a man. You’re talking like all the people who won’t admit they have prejudices. They pretend they are subject to them as a matter of personal choice. But that’s just so much nonsense.” “Beautiful things are not easily created. The more precious they are, the more work they require.” “I didn’t say this work was beautiful. I know that beauty lies only in the completed work, but I find it thrilling to watch the transition from the formless to the pure and completed state.” “She only has you and she’s very fond of you. That can’t be much fun.” “Why do people always have to drag so much dead weight about with them? Look, said Pierre, time isn’t made up of a heap of little separate bits into which you can shut yourself up in turn. When you think you’re living purely in the present, you’re involving your future, whether you like it or not.” “I’m very envious of your capacity to feel things so strongly. I understand our putting a higher value on that than anything else.” “If she spoke of it to Pierre, it would become a disquieting and gripping reality instead of a fleeting mood. Thenceforth, he would have to bear it in mind even when she herself attached no importance to it.” “His heart was hidden; that hand on his sleeve could be seen by every eye in the theatre.... but for whom does it really exist, this love that exists between us? At this moment, even she did not believe in it, nothing remained of it anywhere in the whole of existence.” “I wanted to give you more than you were prepared to accept. And, if one is sincere, to give is a way of insisting on some return.” “If he was suffering, she would suffer too.” “The day when I no longer feel anything, I’m not going to look for excuses to feel.” “I admit that people should write. There’s something voluptuous about words. But only when the spirit moves you.” “This separateness hurt her cruelly, but nothing would induce her to set food on this slippery slop of the imagination at the bottom of which yawned she knew not what abyss.” “You’re sensitive and intelligent - gifts that are not everyone’s. They’re trump cards.” “She was wrong to depend so entirely on Pierre: that was a real mistake, she ought not to thrust responsibility for herself upon someone else.” “Things had barely changed during the past twenty years, the atmosphere was oppressive. Whenever Francoise came back to this flat, she felt that all those years had led absolutely nowhere: time was spread all around her in a quiet, stagnant pool. To live was to grow old, nothing more.” “By always avoiding questions of principle, she could easily come to a kind of understanding with her parents.” “She had the painful impression of being in exile. In the ordinary way, the centre of Paris was wherever she happened to be. Today, everything had changed.” “Anguish pierced her: it was not a definite pain, she would have to delve very deep into the past to unearth a similar uneasiness.” “What had happened now was that the present world was out of reach; not only was she exiled from Paris, she was exiled from the whole world. The people who were sitting on the terrace, the people who were walking in the street, were insubstantial, were shadows; the houses were nothing but painted black-clothes with no depth.” “Love was surely less simple than he thought. It was stronger than time, nevertheless it existed in time, and from instant to instant, it was the cause of misgivings, self-denial, and minor despondencies.” “And when you begin to question a decision, it’s always disturbing. Xaviere is a living question mark.” “Introspection is tiring. It’s dangerous... She would have had to re-examine everything from the beginning but that required a superhuman strength.” “Whatever you may say about life, it always seems to me to be just so many words.” “Long periods of boredom punctuated by short bursts of pleasure seemed completely natural to him.” “There was nothing anywhere to envy, or to regret, or to fear. The past, the future, love, unhappiness, were no more than a sound made with the mouth.” “How could her exact tone of voice, the scent of her room at that moment, be described? Words could bring you nearer the mystery, but without making it any less impenetrable; it only masked the heart in a more chilling shadow.” “If she now so often felt estranged from Pierre, it was because she had allowed him to progress alone down these paths of admiration and affection.” “It was a little frightening. In his tender phrases, his affectionate gestures, she saw only an intention of kindness. they were not wholly convincing, they did not register properly... could her doubting ever again be stopped?” “But these were only words; they were two separate persons... the result of her blind trust was that she suddenly found herself facing a stranger.” “But if you study her with a little sympathy you’ll perceive in all that a clumsy attempt to give a definite value to her life and to herself as a person. Even her respect for the social formulas - marriage, fame -- is still a form of this anxiety.” “Isn’t there any country where people can do as they like? No... you’re cornered.” (pg 145-146) “If I could have her to myself, I would love her. This domineering little girl, too, was nothign more than a tiny fragment of the warm, defenceless world.” “She would have to make up her mind once and for all to face up to all the changes that had taken plcae; for days and days now her thoughts had a tinger of bitterness... ‘I want to see clearly’”.

“...there were so many thoughts that she now kept to herself.” “... they must above all pay more attention to each other at every moment.” “Up to now, when she thought: We are separate, that separation was still a mutual misfortune that struck both of them, and that together they would remedy. Now she understood: to be separate was to live out teh separation alone.” “She felt that they dreaded the moment of departure, but that they found no pleasure in staying on there.”

#simone de beauvoir #she came to stay

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calliecat93 · 4 years ago

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Top 15 Star Trek TOS Episodes (Part One)

I debated on doing this until I did the second watchthrough/reviews... but heck with it. I don’t see it changing too terribly much after and I thought it would be fun. It’s been a fun ride with TOS and I didn’t expect to love it, but here we are. It ain’t a perfect show, but a good one with good characters, strong themes, and just the right amount of intrigue and silliness. I had a blast watching it, but let’s face it, some episodes are better than others. Some are goofy but enjoyable, some... well, they tried. Everyone’s got what they like and dislike, and these are the ones that I liked best. All is only my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt. So to finally cap off this watchthrough before I start the second one and also plunge into TNG, here is the first half of my favorite TOS episodes~

#15. Bread and Circuses

I didn’t realize this until I saw someone else point it out... but this is essentially Star Trek’s version of The Hunger Games, only combined with Roman gladiators. We have our main trio get captured by the government whom have already caused another Starfleet captain to succumb and he sentenced his entire crew to death. Thus we have Kirkg ivent he option of either doing the same, or he can remain in defiance and risk Spock and McCoy’s lives. Either way, he loses. It’s a good episode, showing Kirk given one of the most sadistic choices that you can give him... and yet he doesn’t break. Oh he gets plenty of hardship. He makes the choice to keep the crew form beaming down, which morally is te best decision. After all, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Kirk, unlike Captain Merik, chooses to preserve his cew’s safety as a captain should. Whatever happens to him makes no difference... but because Spock and McCoy are with him, him making that chocie means that they suffer theconsequences as they are not only thrust into gladitorial combat for their lives, bt Kirk is forced to watch and can do nothing. He tries to when Bones is down, but restrained form doing so. But even then he doesn’t back down or even consider it. Merik may have thrown away his whole crew, but like Hell Kirk is going to and concerning the other two, he accepts execution after Spock breaks the rules to save Bones, emphasizing the point more. It;s a really god episode to show just how much Kirk truly follows that responsibility.

We also have some great Spock/McCoy content here as the episode does put their relationship int he spotlight a bit. Their relationship is the most interesting to me so this was a great one. They bicker pretty much all episode with even the other guy they got caught with asking if they’re enemies, which Kirk just replies that even those tow don’t know. But I think if there’s any doubt that they don’t care about each other, this one promptly shuts it up. Spock, despite knowing that he can’t, defends McCoy and saves his life. This leads tot he excellent scene int he cells where Spock is trying to figure a way out, despite fully well knowing that he can’t break through the bars. Logically it would be pointless to continue fruitless efforts, but he tries to anyways. When McCoy tries to thank him for saving him, with Spock both hiding behind his usual logical shell while still focusing on the futile escape effort. Thus we get McCoy confronting him about being afraid of living and not knowing how to handle even one warm feeling. It’s a really good scene performed excellently by Leonard Nimoy and DeForest Kelley and is just a really good insight into their relationship. I’ll keep from going into any huge detail for if that review project makes it this far, but still an excellently performed scene, especially when it caps off with McCoy simply saying that he’s worried about Jim too, the one thing that the two CAN agree on without doubt.

This is at fifteen mainly because of a few small factors. I only know a few things about Roman history so anything about it went over my head and the ending also baffled me likely due to that. We also have it implied that Kirk did... it with a slave girl. Mind you the slave girl went to him and again it’s implied. But that still makes me feel... very uncomfortable once the girl did it under orders, and therefore not fully without consent. I’m gonna have to watch it again when I dot he more in-depth analysis, but... yeah. The ending also leaves without a real resolution to the planet, remaining as they are until they eventually fall just like the actual Rome did. I guess that was the intention, but... just kinda sucks that nothing truly got accomplished. Still from a character standpoint, it was a really good one for the Triumvirate and a great watch.

#14. For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky

So for those who have been following me since I began this venture, you know that McCoy is my absolute favorite character. So when we got to a McCoy-centric episode, I was excited! And overall, it was a good one. Not one of the best, but perfectly fine. We have McCoy diagnosed with a terminal illness and given a year to live. When he and the other two transport onto a meteor-esque spaceship, they encounter the priestess Natira and her people headed for essentially a promised land witht he ship controleld by The Oracle. As Kirk and Spock try to learn more, McCoy is left with Natira who has grown smittenw ith hima dn wishes for him to remain as her mate. Sadly, I feel like this pisode wasted a lot of potential. Bones, the Chief Medical Officer who is always taking care of everyone else, is now the sick one and has only a eya rleft, if event hat. But the only real signs of this is he’s a little weaker than normal, which tbf it was just diagnoses so he may not have the most severe symptoms bu it also kidna makes the fact feel... less urgent. Using that time to set up himw ith Natira also felt wasted since we have the potential of a very emotional story where McCoy sis truggling with his lfie and the others have to come to terms that e’s going to die and likely struggle to find some way, any way to save him... and we spend it with a Girl of the Week who we’ll never see again and on a romance that while it is kinda sweet, ultimately leaves zero impact. It just feels like there was so much wasted potential and the emotional weight that you DO get... it feels less strong if you don’t know McCoy’s history. We know it now cause of supplementary material and such, butt he audiece of the 60’s certainly didn’t, hence why this is fourteen on the list.

That being said, the episode is still good. What makes up for the lack of impact about McCoy’s status and lack of history is DeForest Kelley. The man put his all into this episode (he did in every episode, but especially here when he gets ot be center stage), expressing McCoy’s sadness and loneliness as he talks to Natira perfectly. You can feel that loneliness, that longingness for what Natira’s offering him, that need to just have... some kind of happiness and intimacy that he was just never able to truly have, especially now. He just feels so... sad and vulnerable. Even though we’ve seen him interact romantically with women before, he comes off as so nervous and uncertain about what he’s doing. Like it’s been so long since he’s been intimate with anyone that he is at an utter loss on what to do with it. Natira essentially takes the lead and is even perfectly fine with caring for him in the limited time that he has left. There is someone willing to be with him and to love him for the first time in who knows how long and willing to continue to do so despite him dying... is it any shock that he chose to remain? And even then he did so in part to save Kirka and Spock from death when they got caught... and even then when he found out how to get the ship on it’s actual course and out oft he way of danger, he called them immediately for help. Yeah he almost got his brain fried for it which tbf he didn’t know would happen, but it still shows how selfless he really is, still placing others well-being before his own. As a good doctor would and should.

We also have Kirk and Spock’s reactions to the news. Kirk only knows because Chapel pretty much forced Bones to tell him and the man looks like a kicked puppy when told. He even tells Bones that he doesn’t have to go on the mission with them when normally he’s all gung-ho about dragging him along, only allowing it because this time Bones actually wants to go. Spock finds out after they all get zapped with Bones taking longer to wake up/being briefly unrsponsive, where Kirk admits it to him. Spock is noticibly concerned, emphasized when he holds onto McCoy’s arm for a good 30 seconds just to help the man sit up. McCoy can already tell that he knows before Kirk say it...a dn chooses to just let it be and get back to the matter at hand. Then there’s McCoy after he made his decision and faces the two for as far as he knew the final time. Kirk argues with him and is all but begging him to come back since otherwise he’s gonna die, which McCoy refuses since...well, he’s gonna either die from collision or being shot down, or he dies of xenopolycythemia. Either way he’s on borrowed time, so why not at least let him live it hacving a shot at happiness? Kirk is upset. Spock is as upset as a Vulcan will express. McCoy’s not happy about it, but firm in his decision... so firm it kinda makes the end where he does decide to go back kind of a juxtaposition, but I ain’t complaining either. The cure is also too convenient, but again not complaining. It doens’t seem like that much of an episode at first glance, but once you sit down and reallye xamine it even if you know nothign about McCoy’s backstory or peornsal life, it relaly leaves an impact. Again, a testemant to Kelley’ performance. As such even wit it’s issues and waste of potential, I adore it~!

#13. Obsession

I don’t see this one talked about much, but I found this one... well I hate to say the word but fascinating. What can I say? I’m a sucker for character studies, and BOY do we have a good one with Kirk here. In this episode we have a mysterious gas creature thing killing the crew and eventually get into The Enteprrise. Kirk reacts badly to it. Why? Well his crew dying of course, but the big reason is because he’s dealt with this creature before when he was a lieutenant where due to hesitaitng for a brief moment, mass casualties including his commanding officer were killed. So now with this creature’s pesence, Kirk is ont he hunt to take it down once and for all. But as the title indicates, he’s leaning towards becoming obsessed with it. We se Kirk acitng more angry and reckless than usual, especially when he continues to choose this over getting out of the space to diver some vaccines whent heya re desperately needed... yeah we’ll try to ignore how uncomfortable that is int he current times for now. The on of his former CO is also part of the Enterprise crew, and Kirk is spreading that obsession onto him, even punishing him for hesitating as he had when you’d expect him to be more sympathetic. It’s an episode that really unsettles you because Kirk isn’t acting like Kirk. Even in Consciousness of the King when dealing with the man who... you know, caused a genocide that Kirk was a victim of, he mostly held it together.

It’s these kinds of episodes that always fascinate me. What happens when we put this character into a situaitont hat completeley unnerves them? How would they react? How would it affect their usually rational actions? What would drive them to behave in such a way? How do those around them react? Kirk is very much dealing with a trauma and while eh is able to convince Spock and McCoy that e IS sound of mind and fit for duty, it doesn’t change that he’s allowing the trauma and guilt to morph into a dangeorus obsessiont hat is risking numerous lives. Not to mention afecting a young man who is in a similar position to him and also lost a loved one, yet the one that you’d expect to have Kirk’s sympahty is the one he’s treaitng harshly because of what he himself went through. Yes Kirk realizes it at the end and both corrects his mistakes and takes outt he monster, and it was good to see that he was able to pull himself back. But it was still just so interesitng to explore Kirk in this kind of position.

Spock and McCoy were also on point with both knowing that Jim isn’t acting right and ultimateley confornting him. The whole scene where McCoy gives Kirk essentially apsycological analysis, bringing Spock in once Kirk gets partiulalry heated, and them both laying down the line and holding firm until Kirk properly assures themt hat he is fit for duty was such a great scene. So was Spock actually seekign Bones as he knows that he can better understand Kirk’s emotional issues and him trying to comfort Garrovic was nice... it failed but he was stillt rying to do the right thing when Jim couldn’t. It’just one of those episodes that a character analyist like me eats up. As far as flaws go, notign comes to mind, but that might change on rewatch. I had just had others I liked better that placed it here, but it was very much an episode that got my attention.

#12. Operation: Annihilate

I still remember the suspense that this episode had me in. So we have the crew arrive at a colony that is uner attack by these parasites that are infecting thema nd leading them to painful deaths. Its already bad when Kirk finds his brother dead and his sister-in-law dies in utter agony, leaivng his young nephew’s fate uncertain. But it gets worse when Spockg ets infected and while he does his best, he’s having a difficult time managing the pain. It shows too in not only the scene where he pretty much goes balistic, but every scene after where he’s moslty under control, you can see the pain in his body lamnguage, tone, and eyes. Nimoy did an excelelnt job at keeping up that usual Spock demeanor, but converyign everything through body language alone. The team has to work to find a way to get rid of these parasites before it kills anyone else and exterminate them fromt he colony.

IMO, this was when iot felt like the writers realized what they had with the Triumvarite. At that point it was mainly abotu Kirka dn Spock and hwile Bones got it better than a few of the others, he still didn’t feel... quite there yet. I mean Kelley wans’t evne including int he opening credits until the next season. Here though we have all three with something major going on that’s important. Kirk is trying to figure out how to deal witht he situaiton which has cost him two fmaily members and may cost him his kid nephew. Spock is n pain due tot he parasite but still trying to perform his duties,e ven beaming down to get one of the parasites sicne as he’s already infected, he’s not at risk. McCoy is tryign to figure out how to get rid of the things and is the one having to keep both Spock and Peter alive. These all intersect together and the three just have this great chemistry. Their dynamic isvery mucht he thignt hat I loved most whenw atching the series, and this is when it felt like it clicked into place. The climax isalso heart-breaking. They figure out that bright lightcan kill the parasites, but McCoy is worried about what that intensity can do to Spock. He’s reluctant, but both Kirk and Spock push him to do it and while it’s successful in killing the parasite, it elaves Spock blind. Then Bones finds out that he didn’t need to turn it up that high and would have know had he just waited a few moments. While Spcok accepts it as a necessary loss, Kirk can barley hold back his fury... thoguh I DON’T like how the blame all get put on Boens when Kirk made him do it. Evenw hen Kirk tells Bones later that it wasn’t his fault, just by Bones’ face you can tell that he fully blmes himself.

That does bringmy big criticism though that lande dit at twelve. The ending is... nto good. I mean yay the succeed, but it felt like this was meant to be a two-parter, they couldn’t get the seocnd part, and had to make a hasty resolution to clear up the plot quickly. Not only is Peter’s face never mentioned or do we see Kirk’s reactionw hether good or bad, but Spock... is fine. He had a second eyelid that NEVER comes up again and he had just forgottena bout it. I now that TOS wans’t a serialized show but it not only felt like a waste of some potential story and character development for all three of our boys, but like haivng Spock blindd at all and sending McCoy down that guilt trip was utterly unecessary to begin with because it all happened int he last five minutes. I’mg lad that Spock was okay, and the end where Bones asks Kirk to not tell Spockw hat he said about him being the best First Offficer int he fleet, which Spock ehars and thanks him for half-enuinely, half-jokignly, again it feels like it was unecessary with how lat eit happened and how little impact it ultimateley had. Because of that, it landed here. But it’s still an enjoyable episode that again, felt like when the Triumvirate truly clicked into place and gave us even more good material after,

#11. The Naked Time

When I got to this episode, I had to remember how I quit as a teenager right before this and proceeded to yell ‘why didn’t you just go ONE more episode you idiot?!” to my past self. I really enjoyed this episode mainly for the concept. A virus that erases one inhibitions and self-control. Some of them are wa ky like Sulu with the fencing sword, which was also the most entertaining part of the episode. But it’s still interesting as we see these characters just give into whatever they’re desiring without any sort of thought and it erupts into chaos. It WAS a tad uncomfortable cause... you know, we’re watching a spreading virus that came about cause someone failed to follow proper safety guidelines while we’re living in a pandemic. But that’s not the episode’s fault.

It especially got interesting when Spock got it. This is the fourth episodes aired (I think it’s later in production order but I watched the order Netflix gave me) but even then we saw that Spock was a logical, very in-control character. We din’t know all the details anout him yet or that much about Vulcans, but we’d seen enough to get the general gist of the character. Then due to the cirus, those mental barriers begin to crumble rapidly. The scene where he is alone, trying to force himself to gain control of his emotions and ultimately failing as he breaks down... damn that was an excellent scene. Apparently it was thought of on the spot by Leonard Nimoy and he only had time for one take. Boy did he nail it. That was the moment I became invested in Spock as a character and in his and Kirk’s relationship as Kirk tries to snap him out of it, even risking getting infected himself because he needs Spock. I think that there are episodes that I enjoy more and the weird time travel ending made the ending really weird. Hence why this just barely missed the Top 10. But back when the show mainly gripped me for it’s science fiction concepts, this was a really good episode. It was the first one I went and watched twice before moving to the next one. I’m just so interested in the idea of losing your self-control and how you and others around you deal with it. Maybe it’s the analyst in me talking, but damn those mental concepts always get to me! A fun watch that was essentially the episode that convinced me that yes, this show is good and this time I wasn’t backing out.

#10. Mirror, Mirror

Top 10 now! Here we go! So.. mirror alternate reality. We’ve seen this a billion times in just about every media ever. IDK how common it was when Star Trek did it, but I always love this kind of concept snd seeing how a character would act if things had gone even slightly different. The Mirror Verse is admittedly a little too cartoonishly evil, but does come across as a fascist dictatorship, so I can’t really complain. Anyways, Kirk, McCoy, Scotty, and Uhura and up there and now have to figure out how to get home without anyone catching on that they’re not their counterparts. One thing I love is that it gives Scotty and Uhura some much needed focus and they are both awesome with Scotty being his usual miracle worker self and Uhura kicking ass as she gets info and outright threatens Sulu when he tries to come on to her. God I love that woman~

The Mirror Crew are essentially one-dimensional monsters with the exception or Mirror Spock. He’s still the logical being that we know him as, but much colder and ruthless as well. Yet he still is the closest to matching his usual self and has at least some level of decency compared to everyone else. It’s probably why Kirk was so convinced that he could cause a turn around at the end. He’s not good, but he’s still more good than anyone else on that ship. Yeah the guy who forcibly mind melded McCoy without consent (and how much we judge that I’ve seen varied but I consider it a horrible invasion of privacy that they shouldn’t have brushed off) is still FAR better than anyone else if that indicates how bad this universe is. Seeing his and Kirk’s interactions was super interesitng as clealry Mirror Spock caught on quickly that something was up, but chose to prolong it until near the end. It’s interesitng to observe. I also just love seeing our four heroes handling the situation. They all act effectivlynd manage to keep up the masqurade very well with only Spock and Marlena figuring it out. It’s one of the more diverse ensembles and I wish they had done more diverse dynamics than here, but it was great to see.

I think my only issues aside form McCoy’s potential trauma being glossed over (though I do love how he insisted on saving Mirror Spock and risk not making it home cause damn it, he’s a doctor no matter what) is how we don’t get to see the four’s mirror selves aside form once, where only Kirk gets a characterization as a cartoonishly violent brute. We hear a few things about them like Mirror McCoy’s sickbay essentially being a torture zone, but that’s it. I guess it was due to only having an hour, but I wish we had gotten to see how Spock’s end of things and how he interacts with them aside form Kirk, which that didn’t amount to much anyways. Ah well, fanon has covered both of these pretty extensively from what I can tell, so I shall settle on that. Still it was an enjoyable episode. I’ve seen better Evil Universe stories (nothing’s gonna beat the Justice Lords from Justice League for me tbf), but still a good one with a good ensemble, good character moments, and a unique threatening situation for our heroes to navigate through.

#9. Amok Time

AKA, the episode that more or less created the Slash Genre as we know it. But we’ll touch ont hat later. For now, one thing that I was really hoping for when I got to Season 2 was learning more about Vulcans and their culture. We knew a few things by then, like certain physiological differences between Vulcans and Humans and of course their logical philosophy. But S2 explored them and their culture more, and this was a big one. Spock is acting uncharacteristically agressive and refuses to explain why. Eventually he reveals that he is undergoign Pon Farr, aka going into heat. Unless he goes to Vulcan and does... ugh... mating and soon, he will die. IDK how they got away with this on a 60’s show, but I ain’t complaining. It does that exploration into Vulcans that I was hoping for. Hell we grt to finally see Vulcan... well a section of it but we still got to see it for the first time! It was interesitng to learn about Pon Farr and the rituals that go into it like how maitng works (weird that the logical Vulcan species has arranged marriages, but whatever) and seeing more Vulcans outside of Spock. It’s the kind of world building that does my heart good~

It had a lot of really good moments. Spock explaining everything to Kirk while trying to keep himself from killing him. Chekov being uttelry done with everything as they keephanging course to and from. Ulcan. Spock inviting not only Kirk to the ‘wedding’, but also McCoy, showing that despite their arguments he undoubtedly considers him a close friend. Hell McCoy imo is the true hero of the episode for being the one to catch that something was worng with Spock and his in-genius plan to fake Kirk’s death to keep his two idiot best friends from killing each other without pissing off any Vulcans. Seriosuly, the man needs all the appreciation in existence. And of course, we have the kal-if-fee where T’Pring (great antagonist BTW, will explore her when ai do an a tual review) forces Kirk against Spock. What ensued, while I fully believ eunintentional, forever generated a whole wave of slash and outright invented the term. While I’m not even close to as into Spirk as others, there is no denying how impactful the ship was to fandom culture and to the LGBT+ community. It is a legavy that I hold respect for since it really gave people like myself creativity and enpowerment for over 50 years, and is still generaitng works even now. That is something to respect.

As for it’s placement... the ending was a litle weird. It felt like they didn’t know how to have Spock cured without him either killing someone or doing hanky panky, so he just... gets over it agter thinking that he killed Kirk. It is a good moment, especially his reaction when he sees that Kirk is alive. That was a very justified emotional response that made me smile... and laugh when he tried to deny it haha. ButI find it hard ot buy that a biological funciton like that just... went away. But ah well. It was still an ejoyable episode with some great Vulcan content, McCoy being an underrated badass, and the moments that slash shippers will forever be grateful for. But speaking of slash...

#8. All Our Yesterdays

Sorry Amok Time, but THIS is the slashiest episode in the whole show. While I didn’t get into Spirk much, I got head over heels for Spones. IDK what it was but their dynamic has always been enjoyable and it just... really drew me in. Most of my favorite moments were between this two like the moment in Bread and Circuses and more I’ll go into later, This is essentially The Spones Episode despite what actually happens. Our heroes are to clear a planet that’s sun is about to go supernova, only to find it already gone. Kirk ends up going through a portal when he hears cries for help and when Spock and McCoy go agter him, they end up in an arctic-like area. They were all sent to different points of th eplanet’s past, Kirk in some old timey point and Spock and McCoy even earlier. Now they have to figure out how to get back and survive their situaitons. Kirk’s plot has nothing special tbh and with a few adjustments could have been written out entirely, hence why this is at 8. But Spock and McCoy? Ho boy, their scenes MAKE this episode.

Spock and McCoy try to survive the harsh conditions, the latter almost dying of severe frostbite. He outright tells Spock to abandon him with Spock being VERY adament that that’s not happening. They’re rescued by a woman named Zarabeth and Spock proceeds to spend most of the episode interacting with her while tending to McCoy. Which he gets VERY touchy feely with the latter. Like... a lot more than normal, which tvh the whole seaosm felt that way between those two if what I said about The World is Hollow... counts for anything. Now he DOES end up ‘falling’ for Zarabeth, but there’s a reason for that. Spock is regressing to how his ancestors acted at the time, which was like ‘barbarians’. When amcCoy starts to realize that something’s wrong, it leads to two very intense but really well done scenes with McCoy using logic against Spock to make him realize that he’s lost himself. And while Spock pretty much gave up greitng home due to all of this, McCoy refuses with or without him, even outright going back into the storm to find the portal because damn it, he wants his life back. Then when we find out that Spock and McCoy HAVE to go back together or not at all, it doesn’t take Spock even a second to decide to leave Zarabeth behind. It’s sad because Zarabeth will die a cold, lonely death and she cdoesn’t deserve that at all, so it’s bittersweet. But man next to the katra thing int he films, IDT it gets more symbolic than that.

Like I said, Kirk’s scenes in the past are the only real issue I have since aside form explaining a few things about he situation, feel like they’re just there so that Kirk can still be in the episode prominently. I had some problems with Spock’s OOC behavior, but that got an explanation and has some credibility with how Vulcans are psychically linked. Would explain why McCoy and Zarabeth never seemed to regress. But it was still a good episode with great Spock and McCoy scenes, we FINALLY git a snow environment after forever (and a time travel plot to boot), and a bittersweet but nice ending. Seriously when Spock and McCoy make it back safely and Kirk just touches them on their shoulders in relief is such a nice moment. God I love those three~! Season Three wasn’t a strong season but it still had it’s standouts, and this was very much one of them for me. But I AM biased cause Spones, so take that for what it’s worth!

And that’s enough for now. The last seven will be in another post. Thank you for reading everyone~!

Image Source: TrekCore TOS Gallery

#tos #callie reviews #star trek tos

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twitchesandstitches · 5 years ago

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Isn't Grimlock being a bit hypcritical? I don't know his origin in this AU, but in G1, he and the other dinobots betrayed the autobots and didn't listen on multiple orcasions nor care about the innocent. Grimlock only cared about stopping the disasters because he was still on the planet. In animated were they born by Megatron, and tried to kill both the autobots and the humans multiple times. In IDW they were a part of Megatron's original gang before joining the Autobots.

THat’s true enough; Grimlock and the Dinobots in general are pretty much the exceptions to the rules of ‘the Autobots are straightforward paragons’, in that they are usually anti-heroes.

However, this version of Grimlock is inspired not on those interpretations of him save the IDW version (though some aspects of those might filter through) but on the versions of him that is characterized as a rough bruiser with a good heart but a nasty ruthless streak. For what it’s worth, Grimlock’s origin in this AU is that he was born into the Fleet with the other Autobots that are canonically his age in modern continuities (Optimus, Elita, Arcee, and so on), and struggled with feelings of being isolated and ashamed of his monstrous beast mode, and his understanding of history and personal struggles with robot discrimination gave him a very rough understanding of justice.

That character map is as thus:

Grimlock as written specfiically by Simon Furman; ruthless, far more pragmatic and violent than Optimus, but just as dedicated to stopping the Decepticons and despising those who bully those weaker than them.

The general IDW incarnation of Grimlock, again as written by Furman; this is by far one of the most heroic incarnations of the character, in that he does care for human life even if he complains about it or tries to act like he’s indifferent. He tried to exile himself from Cybertron for fear of his monstrous beast mode going on a rampage, longed to be a real hero, and for what its worth, he was only a part of Megatron’s gang before the ‘Cons turned into a genocidal band of robot supremacist planet looters. (His general speaking style and grumpy demeanor are also inspired from that.)

Fall of Cybertron Grimlock; a rougish and berserk brute who takes trophy heads, terrorizes his enemies, and weaponizes dread, but is nonetheless a hero where it counts, even if he’s not exactly keen on chain of command. And is a hothead even BEFORE he became a monstrous beastformer.

Dinobot from Beast Wars, who also codifies the general culture of Simfur, Grimlock’s homeland. A violent contrast to the other Maximals, with a code of honor unlike their’s and a vicious streak so notable that he ate a clone of his, possibly just to disgust the Maximals, and advocating for much harsher means than his teammates tolerate, but in the end, he won’t harm the innocent and he puts his life on the line for the good of all even though he would prersonally benefit from their suffering.

The Incredible Hulk, particularly in his incarnations as an embittered and intelligent antihero who regards himself as a monster and thinks that helping the puny humans is going to bite him in the ass, but he feels compelled to help anyway. Mostly akin to the Green Scar (Planet Hulk/World War Hulk incarnation), Earth’s Mightiest Heroes take on the character, and the accuser aspects of Devil Hulk from the Immortal Hulk run. (”When somebody hurts people smaller and weaker than them, I take it REAL personal.”)

Ultimately, this version of him is intended to be an antiheroic contrast to the likes of Sierra. Yes, he’s a disturbingly violent, vengeful, and deliberately cultivating an attitude of fear by their enemies. The Dinobots are terrifying; their foes dread the stomp of their feet, the snap of their jaws. When they come onto the fight, their foes run in utter horror, knowing that MAYBE dying in retreat is better than the absolute certainty of the unspeakable violence the Dinobots will visit upon them. It is largely an act, and he’s a solid ‘beat enemies by scaring them’ Batman-esque figure.

But at the same time, he’s a strong believer in restraint and protecting the weak. There’s nothing he hates more than bullies, and those who use their power to dominate the weak. Evil deserves to be punished, and he demands retribution for what the evil have done. This is why he wants to personally kill EVERYONE wearing the Megatronian Decepticon badge, for the tihngs they have done, and why he’s so hostile towards Spinel. Bear in mind, in this AU, she didn’t just ‘threaten’ to wipe out a planet, she devastated many worlds, including the use of Dark Energon, horrifically poisoning the planets in question and causing untold devastation and injury.

People almost certainly have died because Spinel wanted to hurt Rose out of resentment. The fact that the death tolls weren’t higher were the result of sheer dumb luck and heroic action, and he’s incensed that she wasn’t executed or sealed away for her crimes. She caused a horrific amount of suffering, purely out of spite, and he is pissed over this.

Granted, Spinel’s situation is extraordinary and she certainly wasn’t really in a clear state of mind at the time, but he’s too vengeful and angry to really care about that.

He’s not so much poking a bear with Spinel though, as keeping her on the straight and narrow with fear of him coming for her if she goes bad again. Sure, she MIGHT gain some success and vindication if she becomes a full fledged villain, but that’s nothign compared to the absolutely certain and memorably horrible death Grimlock and his Dinobots will definitely visit on her if she does that.

#queued #replies #crossthicc!grimlock #crossthicc!spinel #she did HORRIBLE things and while she is genuinely trying to repent #he doesn't buy it and he is vindictive as hell #remember this is the guy who has personally killed more DEcepticons than anyone else in IDW lore #he is canonically INCREDIBLY vicious in the takes I'm drawing on #a good guy and a hero but still very brutal #anon replies #Anonymous

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sage-nebula · 6 years ago

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"i love how kalos has nothing of note" that and w HY ARE THEIR TITLES SO CLUNKY. THERE'S NOTHIGN CATCHY ABOUT THEM EXCEPT MAAAYBE CLEMONT'S AND WULFRIC'S, but even then it screams of Literal Translation, Poor Implementation and i hate it, thanks. i never even played xy due ot not having a 3ds at the time and i've never seen these titles before now. i still can't get over them.

Wulfric’s sounds like it would be the beginning of his Tinder bio, I’m not going to lie. Like he describes himself as “tough as an iceberg, hot as a furnace” in hopes he’ll get more attention and actually score a date.

Honestly, the Kalos games are not worth it, at all. While the gameplay is great, that is literally all these games have going for them. (And I mean, gameplay is important, but it can’t be expected to carry an RPG, particularly when that same gameplay—with improvements, given Soaring and the DexNav!—can be found in the Hoenn remakes.) In no particular order:

The characters are bland, one-dimensional, and entirely forgettable. This especially goes for the rival squad, who have absolutely no depth to them whatsoever, present no challenge, and constantly interrupt you when you’re just trying to explore and have a nice time. They contribute nothing of value to the story, they aren’t fun to battle against, and their constant interruptions are annoying af. Game Freak was going for another “best friends!!!!” scenario, but it feels extremely forced, and the games would have been better without them, by far.But they’re not the only ones who are bland and one-dimensional. Diantha shows up early, but she doesn’t really do much aside from have a couple lines of dialogue. She doesn’t participate very much in the story at all. Lysandre is Very Obviously Evil from the get-go, ranting about how the world is filthy and all that in practically your first conversation with him. The only one who has any characterization at all is arguably Sycamore, but his characterization boils down to being wishy-washy and unable to stand up to Lysandre, and even flat out downplaying Lysandre’s genocide plot in the last conversation you have with him (he basically says Lysandre just ~made a mistake because of his ego~ and I’ve never wanted to punch a video game character in the face so hard), so any ounce of fondness I might have had for him went directly out the window. Moreover, none of the admins or scientists or what-have-you of Flare have any characterization or importance. The only one of note is Xerosic, and that’s only in the postgame (more on that in the end). The characters are just utterly disappointing.

The story had potential, but was ruined by no one in the game taking it seriously. In Black/White, N wanted to permanently separate humans from pokémon, and this got the entire region up in arms to the point where the Gym Leaders themselves stepped up to battle against Team Plasma. In X/Y, Lysandre wanted to commit genocide on everyone except those who had paid him five million dollars to join Team Flare and then live (no joke; the only differences between game!Lysandre and anime!Lysandre is that game!Lysandre is a classist fuck who makes people pay him to stay alive, whereas anime!Lysandre uses and abuses a teenage boy in his spare time instead), and no one … did anything. People just did not give a fuck. Lysandre literally broadcasted his entire plan to everyone in the region via the Holocaster, and no one aside from the protagonist, kind of the rivals, and kind of Sycamore (who sent his assistants to do his work for him) did anything about it. No Gym Leader involvement, no Elite Four involvement, no Champion involvement, nada. Despite the fact that, again, Lysandre’s plan was genocide. That such a dark and harsh topic was treated so lightly was one of the primary things that disgusted me about these games.

Aside from Laverre City, Kalos is a boring region. I mean, Lumiose is kind of cool, I guess, but it’s also your standard big city, like Castelia City was. Laverre was interesting, but other than that Kalos just feels very metropolitan and it’s altogether not very interesting. I can’t remember a single landmark in Kalos that was particularly interesting to me.

There’s no challenge, tbh. The gameplay was great in terms of customization, mega evolution, being able to level your pokémon quickly (thank you, Restaurant Le Wow and O-Powers), and so on and so forth, but like I mentioned with the rival squad, the battles themselves weren’t challenging. This has been a problem with newer Pokémon games for a while now and so it’s not a hit against XY in specific, but if you want a challenge, the Kalos games aren’t it. (Unless you consider the arduous task of stomaching the terrible writing a challenge, in which case, mood.)

Honestly, they’re just not worth it. At least the Alola games started out having a good story, and at least they have characters worth remembering. Kalos doesn’t have that. If you want a canon story set in Kalos, go for the anime. The anime has its problems as well, but at least it also has The Strongest Mega Evolution, a SATISFYING and UNDERSTANDABLE reaction to Lysandre’s plan, and, of course, the best goddamn character that has been produced to date.

(Or characters, I should say. Can’t forget Lizardon. ♥)

So yeah, don’t worry about ever playing the Kalos games. They’re not the worst core Pokémon games to ever exist (that dishonor goes to Let’s Go), but they’re still pretty bad from a character and story standpoint, and are not at all worth it.

ETA: I forgot to talk about the postgame story, so real quick: The only enjoyable thing, from a character and story standpoint, in the Kalos games comes from the postgame story. The postgame story is once again a Looker adventure, but the focus is on a homeless teenage girl named Emma whom Looker takes under his wing. (And honestly, I have quite a few thoughts on how Alan’s story in the anime is quite similar to Emma’s, so it wouldn’t be surprising to me if Emma was partially the inspiration for Alan.) He takes in her, teaches her important life skills, has her help him out at his detective firm … and Emma, in wanting to repay him for all the help he has given her, starts looking for part-time work, which leads her to Xerosic. Emma doesn’t realize that Xerosic is evil, and he ends up using her to commit crimes (without her knowledge—she doesn’t realize she’s committing crimes) as part of his research. (See what I mean?) It’s a very emotional, well-written little story, with characters that actually have depth to them, that you actually come to love and care about. It’s leagues above what was done in the main game, so I have no idea what went wrong there. That said, since you have to suffer through the entirety of the main game just to get to the postgame, I’d still say X and Y aren’t worth it. If anything, just watch the Emma and Looker story on YouTube. You’ll save yourself time and money that way.

(Note: To any Kalos game fans who want to reblog this to start Discourse™, don’t. You won’t change my mind, I won’t change yours, and it’d be a waste of time and effort on both our parts, thanks.)

#em-exceeds-change-zearu #but honestly the Kalos anime is way more worth it despite the issues #and like my stance on Sycamore shows that plainly #I LOVE Sycamore in the anime - he is best dad #I HATE Sycamore in the games - he literally tries to downplay the actions of a man who attempted genocide #unbelievable #ALSO Alan is never mentioned in the Kalos games #but he IS mentioned in OmegaRuby/AlphaSapphire #so CLEARLY the only Gen VI games worth playing are those ones #it's true

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inenaffable · 4 years ago

Text

*hungry tummy noises*

they read it and they ask me "what the fuck is wrong with you" and i just can cry and laugh a little bit cause its funny, you know? its funny when no one else exists besides you and you still cant do anything. youre so stupid, you know that, you know that? you cant do anything because youre caged inside yourself so you create fantasies to pretend your life is interesting and youre not a hollow of a person, a carbon copy of whoever is the closest, unable to survive without a partner, a disgusting parasyte. god, youre not even good enough to ruin people, to mark them in any way possible. you just bore them, then your thrashed to the side. its not even dramatic enough to be written about, its just logical. youre so bad at being anything, its pathetic. you cant be good, great, you cant be filthy, despairful, youre nothing, notghin nothign nothing notghin nogthing nothing nothgin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no one can hate you if no one gives a fuck about you and you know that you know that the only one who hates yourself is you and you are the only fucking reason to all your problems because theyre all in your head and theyre fake, fucking fake, fake fake fake fake fake because you cant entertain yourself on your fucking life because everyone leaves you when they realize you are just a shell a copy a parasyte that sucks and sucks and sucks and doesnt give a fuck and is locked inside their own head and blames people for the crazy things your dumb fucking brain created fuck fuck fuck fuck

no one asks you what the fuck is wrong with you because no one cares, and everyone knows those things are only in your head, because you tell them, and you know, you fucking know, and thats the worst part of it

i dont know how to be a human being , even when imbeing the most disgusting one that exists - but im not, because its all in your head and youve never done anything

im perfect, its incredible, its amazing, really, you should look at me,look at me

i do bad things and dont feel guilty for them, i guilty myself for things that arent bad, and then i blame people for my own judgement, but i dontknow how to live outside of this

its scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary,scary,scary so so scary outside of here, dont let me go, dont let me go, youre gona go back all over again

except you cant go back to something that never even existed

what am i going to tell my therapist tomorrow? lies, lies, unconscious lies that im very aware of, all over again, excuses after excuses

why dont you just fuck me, tell me, why? i dont have to think, i dont want to think, im spending so much time alone and yet im doing absolutely nothign, im disgusting

but im perfect, so perfect, how can anyone ever hate me? everyone loves me, right? you love me, right? hey, are you reading this? hey, hey, wont you just fuck me? wont you make me forget i have a mind of my own?

im so disgusting, how can you love me? you like it, dont you? how im so very fake, how i cant take no’s, how im just barely nothing but annoyment when striped down. what, what? you want to see me strip? silly, silly, if i do that, then youd want to go away. its just too bad i cant control myself, right? i just want to be seen oh so badly.

theres no liquor in this house and i hate it, i hate it how i could just ask for it, but i wont, and ill still hate that theres none. thats me, thats me for you. dont you like it, love it? dont you just want to fuck me now?

i dont need to pretend in front of you, if you dont like it, just leave, im tired of you. i can say fuck and i can act like everything i do is coated with so much honey its nauseating, annoying, because thats who i am. lousy, annoying, nasty, spoiled, a horrible liar and so much more. but im nothing you guys like, im nothing i like, so ill wear baggy clothing even though i want to show my tits to everyone. my room is just too hot. i must not forget, nobody cares about me, nobody remembers me, no one will come back for me, so i can tear it up. i can say fuck and i can lick every single inch of my mirror and i can be whatever i want to be, because, because-

she said i love myself, i said i loved myself, and thats why. but maybe that was a lie. see, how havent you seen through that? i actually hate myself. oh, i do, so very much. its funny. dont you find it funny? tell me, tell me you laughed, tell me you could tell from the start, and that its okay, that ill learn to love myself at somepoint. i want to have sex with so many people because i hate myself and i dont want to think

hey, look at me, arent i ugly? arent i destroying myself? say, dont you think no one will never apreciate me again?

i dont know if what im preteding is to believe or to doubt. do i love it, do i hate it? its so tangled, its funny. i cant remember what came first. does it really even matters?

im so very hungry. i want to drink and let people touch me and touch them back, i want to feel whole. dont you just want to fuck me? im perfect, see? i promise, i promise, you wont regret it! come, come, just fuck me already.

imagine it,, imagine me, miserably sitting down in my bed, sweating, hungry, and writing all this jumbled mess on my dumb little notebook, typing on this double keyboard, listening to dumb little rain sounds on my dumb little one-sided earphone cause im too scared of the silence but cant listen to music cause my brain is just dumb dumb dumb and cant concentrate on more than one dumb little thing at a time

im so hungry, and its not even a metaphor anymore

im not doing it on purpose, i promise, i could eat so so much but theres just nothing to eat and most of the things are just icky

i could eat a whole hamburger if i could go out

dad, please, buy me a hamburger, please, please, im so hungry, wont you just buy me one

hey, dont you want to buy me things too? that would be nice, so very nice of you. say, give me your money, wont you? i could buy so much with it! i need it, i need you

fuck, fuck, tell me, how am i supposed to sleep now?

i sometimes wonder if i should take pills for it, but that would probably be a bad idea

i dont need any of it, and starting it would probably get me into something worse

think, wouldnt it be cool if i could stay up till 4am?

but i cant, and i need to sleep

wont you kiss me goodnight?

pretty, pretty please?

ah! thank you! thank you so much! i love you, i love you, i love you!

#en #babling #safe

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hopefor-days-backup · 7 years ago

Text

11 Questions

Wow, I got tagged by @slightlyflammable to do this eleven questions thing! Thank you for the tag!

The rules are:

✰ post the rules

✰ answer the questions given to you by the tagger

✰ write eleven questions of your own

✰ tag eleven people

Now here are the questions….

If you were a mermaid/man, what color would your tail be? I think my tail would probably be blue. like a nice pastel blue or something

What were you obsessed with as a child? Honestly, history? I loved the Titanic as a kid (not even the movie, I just loved learning about the irl Titanic). Also the Civil War was fascinating to me. When I was 4, my mom, Grandma and I took a trip to Pennsylvania and we went to Gettysburg. Then we went to Hershey Park (i.e. Hershey chocolate) after because I was a toddler and I told my mom that I wanted to go back to Gettysburg, you if that doesn’t tell you I should pursue my history major, I don’t know what does

What book/novel/comic will you always recommend to others? I’m always partial to the Harry Potter series just because that’s what got me so into reading to begin with. I also like to recommend Carry On by Rainbow Rowell becase it’s almost like gay Harry Potter but it’s also its also its own thing? Also, the webcomic Check,Please!

If you could transform into an animal which one would it be? Probs a cat. it would be so chill to just lay around all the time and have people adore me

What time do you try and go to bed at normally? And what time do you end up going to bed at? I try to go to bed at around 11, but honestly it always ends up closer to 1am

Whats a subject you wish you were good at? English. I mean, I write a lot (or I try to anyway) and I’ve been told I’m good. But it’s more the technical stuff that I struggle with? I never do well with technical rea\search papers, or assignments where absolutely perfect grammar is key. I hate it. I don’t want to write absolutely perfectly because there’s no voice to it. It sounds too robotic. I can’t do it. I just wish I’d at least be able to pretend I can write like that so those assignments won’t drag my grades down.

What is a piece of advice you got that will always stick with you? One of the biggest things is never do something because you think it will make someone else happy. Do it for yourself. That mentality has honestly saved me. I don’t dress for anyone else, I don’t wear make-up to impress someone else. I wear what I want and do my make-up because I enjoy it and it makes me feel nice. Full stop. Just don’t give a fuck about what anyone else thinks.

Book/movie/tv show you were scared of as a child but have read/watched now? Nothign really comes to mind, but I guess Nightmare on Elm Street? I love horror movies, but the first time I watched tht one I couldn’t fall alseep because I could have sworn I heard someone walking down the hall towards my bedroom while dragging their nails along the wall. I thought Freddy was going to kill me. Still love the movie though

How many siblings do you have if any? (Pets can count) My parents are divorced so I have one step-sister (with my mom), two step-brothers and two half-sisters (all with my father) (also we have five cats, two dogs, and 2 fish at my mom’s)

Fairy lights or no? HELL FUCKIN’ YEAH!!!! (seriously I have so many fairly lights in my room)

Did you say “I love you” first to someone or someone said it to you? (not including family members) I said “I love you” first to the boyfriend I had my sophomore year of high school. He panicked and didn’t say it back, then broke up with me a week later. Then started dating one of my best friends about a month after that (conclusion? men ain’t shit)

And now for my questions…

If you could meet anyone on this earth (dead or alive), who would it be?

Do you beleive in ghosts? What about aliens? (Or any cryptid, I guess?)

What’s a song that has always made you happy when you hear it?

What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

Do you have any strange phobias?

How do you vent your anger?

Do you have a collection of anything? (Or did you have a collection of something when you were a kid?)

What would you want your life to be like? As in, what’s your pipe dream? What is the one thing in life you would love to achieve even if you think it’ll never happen, but you love to daydream about it anyway? (Winning the Olympics, writing the next big novel, starring in a movie, singing on Broadway, etc)

What’s the worst place you’ve ever been to?

What is your absolute favorite thing to do in your free time?

Have you ever seen a movie so bad but secretly you love it for some reason? What was it?

Gosh, now I don’t know who to tag... I don’t really talk to a lot of people on here so I don’t know who would want to do this. I guess if you see this and want to do it, feel free. Especially if we’re mutuals. And if anyone decides to do it, please tag me? I’d love to see what answers y’all have to my questions. Thanks!

#11 questions #ask meme #list #questions #answers

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dragonagecompanions · 8 years ago

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*angst* How would the romanced companions handle the death of the Inquisitor post-Trespasser? (How they would manage, would they speak at their funeral, etc.) I hope you can do this- I absolutely adore your blog!!

(I want to preface this by saying that I have nothign against Solas, nor is this meant to bash him as a character. My basis for these reactions is that the only person who mentions redeeming Solas is the Inquisitor, and without that voice of reason I didn’t see it being much of an option.)

Cassandra: It was so perfect, and now it’s gone. They saved the world together, fought for reform together, made plans and made love and had their entire lives ahead of them. And now he as gone, and all she can think of is the hot blood on a twelve year old face and the sight of her brother on the gound, and how every man she has ever loved- brother or lover or friend- has perished because she couldn’t save them. She holds it together for the funeral, incredibly grateful that Josephine and Lelianna handle the details. The Exalted Council want it to be a grand affair, no doubt to quickly cover the fact that they had been about to lambast and dishonor the man who is now Thedas’s greatest Martyr.

It takes every ounce of calm she learned from a childhood of Nevarren nobility to speak at the funeral, to say farwell to the man she loved. And afterwords she gathers her Seekers and what Templars can be found and makes plans for the annihilation of Fen'Harel.　

Solas: Far away from Halamshiral, away from the anger and the danger and the political upheaval, the elf who had been born a dreamer, made a god and villified for both weeps. The woman he loved- the extraordinary woman who had taken his power into the very fabric of her skin and lived- was gone. And he had all but killed her. His grief is all consuming, warring with his guilt and the implacable fear that it has all been for naught. How can he rebuild a better world if the best part about it is gone? And how can he be trusted to do it when he was the one who destroyed it?

Sera: She doesn’t go to the funeral, at first. Josephine tries to get her to help with the planning, wants her to have some say in what happens. They were married, after all, and everyone will expect Sera to be there. To speak over her wife’s body and pretend that she is proud when all she is is bloody furious. Stupid elfy Solas as his precious fade, stupid Honeytongue for not telling her that her hand was going wrong. Bloody nobles for thinking that they were somehow owed something of the Inquisitor when all they wanted to do was tear her down. Stupid…stupid…

She goes right before the ceremony begins, dressed not in the black ensemble that was chosen for her but in the vibrant crimson and plaidweave that her honeytongue had never minded her wearing, and stares down a crowd of the most powerful people in Thedas with only a sneer. She does not speak, and after she leaves without telling anyone her destination. But there are little people everywhere, even in the Sol-ass’s camp, and when she finds it he’ll wish he’d never heard the word ‘arrow’.

Blackwall: Its the coldest he’s ever felt, looking down at her casket. Even staring at the shourded bodies of Vincent Callier and his family did not pain him as that sight did. She was his everything, his redemption and his heart and the very reason the sun rose to light his face each morning, and how she is gone. He speaks eloquently at her funeral, face stoic and eyes dry. But despite entreties to stay in Halamshiral or to return to Skyhold to help with revenge the warrior takes his leave. He is tired, and he was never a hero. She brought that out in him, and now all he can hope to do is give some modicum of that grace to those who she might have seen goodness in too

.Iron Bull: The Chargers close rank around him, and he has never been more grateful for anything. His Kadan is gone. They were his heart, his precious person, the other half of him. And now he has to watch as a bunch of sneering nobles put on sad faces to make a good showing at their funeral. A public spectacle, a farce. It takes everything he has not to start slaughtering the guest list in alphabetical order, but thats not what they would have wanted.So he does not attend the funeral.

And unbeknownst to everyone else neither does the Inquisitor. The elaborate box they speak over is empty but for sandbags. Instead the Chargers and Bull build a pyre on the Storm Coast and send his lover off they way they deserved– with song and good stories, hard liquor and genuine tears. It bleeds off some of the deepest grief, the harshest bile of sorrow, and it tempers his anger. To a man the Chargers volunteer for this last mission, and he makes it his quest to find and skin the apostate bastard who talked of loyalty and returned it with murder.

Dorian: In the days between death and funeral Dorian fulfills his roles flawlessy. He works with Josephine on a proper funeral arrangement, runs his speech by Lelianna to make sure that it will not cause more trouble. His displays of grief are genuine but not so unhinged as to be unseemly, and to the empire of Orlais he is the very image of noble grief– exactly what they wanted to see in their pageantry.

And then, when the smoke from the pyre fades and the Inquisition begins to retreat to Skyhold to try and figure out their next move, Dorian Pavus drops the mask. Hang Tevinter and its noble causes, hang reform and change and a brighter future. For all his countrymen knew they had once destroyed Arlathan, and by the Maker he would give them reason to want to do it again. He goes north with hatred in his heart and power in his hands, and maes plans for the kind of army that nightmares are made of.

Josephine: All she has is the planning. It doesn’t matter if her hands are shaking or her hair is falling out of its pins. It doesn’t matter if she hasn’t slept or eaten or bathed in three days. Every second of the funeral has to be perfect, or she will have failed him again. The last time they spoke she had expressed doubt in their very purpose, and she never got a chance to take it back. And so this is her chance to make sure that everyone knew that they had been every inch the hero that Thedas had imagined.After its over, though, she falls apart.

If Cassandra is the divine she stays with Lelianna to help with the negotiations with Tevinter, but eventually she returns home. She failed her love, failed the Inquisition. She will not fail her family, and it is easier to bur what remains of her heart in familiar ground.

Cullen: Its not her anymore. He ignores Josephines tearful pleas for him to calm down, to think about what he is doing, and instead leaves two days before the funeral. The woman he loved- will always love- is not in that box. If there is any justice on the world she is at the Makers side, and he hopes she is at peace. Instead he picks up the mantle of Commander again, taking advantage of political confusion to regroup the Inquisitons army and send out scouts in all directions.The woman he loved is gone, but the man who killed her is not. And Cullen will make the march on the dales look like childs play next to the blood that will run before his people.

--Fereledon

#dark #Solas #dorian pavus #cullen rutherford #Cassandra Pentaghast #sera #warden blackwall #josephine montilyet #iron bull #character death #talk of violance

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helloanonymouswriter · 8 years ago

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Scholarship || Phan

Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/392649387-phan-one-shots-~-scholarship

Scholarship

Words: 6899

Summary: Dan has a scholarship to one of the most prestigious schools in the country. Phil Lester is the richest, most popular and intelligent person in the school ... until Dan comes along.

Have you seen the new kid?

Apparently he's a commoner.

A commoner?! He doesn't belong in this world.

He'll get eaten alive.

He's quite hot.

Are you sure he didn't get lost?

Apparently he's here on scholarship; he must be incredibly smart.

There's no one smarter than Phil Lester though.

He'd have to be a genius to beat Lester.

Phil's amazing he doesn't even have to try.

Bet he just get's privileges for being the headmaster's son.

Maybe the new kid will give him a run for his money.

Phil Lester hated Dan Howell.

He'd hated him ever since he rocked up in his un-tucked sweater and black converse; with his messy hair and dimples that drove the girls wild. Yes, Phil hated him. He hated how he dressed, how he looked and how smart he was. Phil had been the smartest kid in the school ever since that guy had waltzed in with his lopsided grin and untidy uniform; he contrasted dramatically to every rich kid in the school dressed in crisp clothes. Phil's only act of rebellion was dying his hair black and even then he kept it in a neat fringe.

Phil was probably one of the most popular guys in school - boosted a little by his social standing as headmaster's son; however it was his smarts that gained him further reputation. He was known to get immaculate test scores without even trying and it made Phil's ego flourish. However ever since Howell had shown up it had been dented.

"Looking as trampy as ever Howell." Phil snapped with a smirk as the boy sauntered down the hallway.

"Looking like a dick 'ead as always Lester." Dan grinned with those infuriating dimples. The spark in Dan's eyes made Phil angrier for some reason - he always felt like he needed to rise to the challenge.

"Shut your mouth commoner." Phil spat.

Dan didn't even bat an eyelash. He only laughed and continued to sweep down the hallway - this time with more spring in his step. Phil Lester absolutely hated Dan Howell's guts. He hated how at ease he was when confronted with Phil's degrading comments. Phil glared at Dan's unkempt sweater and tugged on his blazer, heading to class. He would not be upstaged by an overconfident brat.

Phil glared at the score board. He grit his teeth as he read over the loathsome name taking up the number one spot.

Dan Howell

"Tough luck Lester. Seems your immaculate talent hasn't pulled through this round." Phil could almost hear the smirk in his voice. Phil spun round with his venomous glare now pointed at said individual.

"T'was just dumb luck Howell. I wouldn't be so confident." Phil nearly snarled.

"Ah ... I understand why you'd come to that conclusion. That's how you do isn't it? Phil Lester who get's his results without even trying - by sheer 'dumb luck'." Howell lifted an eyebrow condescendingly. Phil felt the fury boiling in his stomach.

"You watch yourself Howell." Phil warned and pushed past Dan, shoulders bumping harshly.

"I look forward to it Lester." Dan smiled. Phil looked over his shoulder and felt even angrier when he saw how genuinely pleased he was. He hated him.

"So anything new?" Mr Lester asked as he walked into his office. Phil trailed behind before flopping down and opening his book of the week.

"Not much, why?" Phil asked.

"Well you haven't had a boyfriend in a while. When am I going to meet a respectable new lad?" Mr Lester asked as he sifted through papers. Phil blushed.

"I don't know just haven't felt the need recently." Phil muttered.

"Well make sure it keeps up your reputation. Your actions affect me and school remember. I don't want the press finding anything to damage our image." Mr Lester warned.

Phil sighed. "You don't have to worry father, I'm currently single and perfectly fine with it."

"You can't stay that way forever. You'll have to marry into a respectable family - one who could handle the business and not hold you back." Mr Lester continued.

Phil winced. "Can we not discuss this right now? It's way too soon to be getting into details."

Mr Lester sighed and looked up at his son, "fine, but it will be spoken about."

"Thank you." Phil grumbled and tried to focus on the words in front of him.

"So ... took a hit this week did we?" Mr Lester changed the subject with a smirk.

Phil scowled. "A temporary mistake." He dismissed carelessly and continued to read his book on his father's chaiselong. The smirk didn't leave his father's face.

"That Daniel kid is quite remarkable; to be educated amongst the common public yet achieve such high standards of intelligence in my prestigious school. It's quite the scoop. I believe it will only better our reputation and motivate the other students to strive for better results. You might have to actually start trying my son." Mr Lester chuckled.

Phil huffed in reply. "Yeah right, like I said I don't need to study tirelessly like everyone else - I'm too smart for that. My way is the best way and I don't intend to change that." Phil gripped the book tightly - almost bending the pages. Howell was even getting under his father's skin.

"If that's what you believe I guess it can't be helped. I only hope this teaches you something." Mr Lester sighed and exited the room before Phil could question him. Dan Howell teach him something? As if.

"He's not that bad." PJ sighed after a Phil rant.

"Not that bad? He's awful and arrogant and irritating and smug-"

"Not at all like anyone we know." Chris chipped in sarcastically and tucked into a large spoonful of strawberry ice cream. He could usually sweet talk the cooks to give him some even though they weren't allowed it at lunch.

"Shut up Chris." Phil grumbled.

"We all have classes with him. He doesn't really do anything but study - he only ever seems to be fired up when you're around. I think you're jealous." PJ smirked.

"Jealous?!" Phil exclaimed - appalled at PJ's accusations. "What's there to be jealous of?"

"His intelligence."

"His face."

"His test scores."

"His ass."

"Chris!" Phil spluttered and Chris only grinned - mouth full of cream. Phil grimaced - his friend could be so vulgar sometimes. He was smart though and very funny; he was well liked by everyone who knew him because he could always bring about laughter. PJ was popular for his looks and wisdom - he wasn't far from Dan and Phil's smarts and used to have friendly competition with Phil even though Phil always just managed to get ahead.

"Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I like him." Phil sighed, angrily spearing his fork in his steak.

"Sure but it's not like you're blind. He's hot." Chris shrugged.

"What does that matter when he's a prick?"

Chris and PJ chuckled. "He's quite funny actually." Chris added and Phil gave him a betrayed look. "Oh don't be like that, we're allowed to differ in opinion. You're still our number one." He winked. Phil couldn't help the smile that tugged at his lips.

"I don't doubt your loyalty." Phil smiled.

"You and Dan have differences of opinion. Maybe if you had more of an open mind you could see it from his point of view. He's not had it as easy as you." PJ interjected.

"I don't care about his background - he's here isn't he? The smug bastard just infuriates me." Phil scoffed.

PJ rolled his eyes. "Let's see how long you can keep that up."

Oh god. School dances.

Phil hated school dances - he couldn't dance. Everything was elaborate and mandatory and Phil just wanted to lounge around in his dorm and eat Doritos. He was sick of the constant barrage of delicacies and often craved a quiet evening with some junk food and anime. The only ones who knew of this side were Chris and PJ. His other friends all thought he was the prestigious son of Mr Lester - immaculate manners, hobbies and tastes. The one who had natural talent and didn't even have to try and get amazing test scores. He was only grateful for those evenings where he could nerd out with his friends and express his naturally lazy self. Almost every rich kid at the school had emaculate etiquette and although knew how to be charming and use his table manners, he never cared to learn how to do such strict dances.

"You ready Phil?" His date, Connor, asked.

"Um, yeah - just fixing my tie." Phil broke from his train of thought.

"Here let me." The boy smiled and gently took the silk between his perfectly manicured hands. Connor was very attractive and smart. Phil had taken a liking to him a long time ago and was happy when he'd agreed to go with Phil. He needed to keep up reputation of this all-round confident guy - someone who could have anyone he wanted. In this case he wanted one of the most attractive guys in the year. Connor was bisexual and Phil was out as gay so it all worked out. He was taking his dad's advice of trying to find someone - someone respectable.

Phil swallowed as he watched Connor delicately fold his tie until it rested neatly against his pristine shirt. Connor's bright blue eyes blinked up at him expectantly. Phil coughed and regained his conscience. "Shall we?" He offered his arm out for Connor to take. The boy beamed at him with pearly white teeth and nodded, taking his arm.

They both arrived in the large hall, couples and friends dressed in fancy suites and dresses spread throughout the hall. An orchestra played classical music in the background and the large chandelier surveyed the room grandly. Many eyes stared as Phil and Connor entered - nothign new, Phil was used to the attention. He smiled confidently and walked forward, the blond on his elbow.

He soon met up with his usual group of friends and relaxed a little in the uncomfortable atmosphere. He really hated formal dances. He chatted with Chris, PJ, Connor and some of his other classmates until he was asked to dance.

"I don't know ... it's not exactly my strong point." Phil laughed anxiously as his eyes swept over Connor's hopeful face. He was momentarily distracted by strands of blond hair that had fallen over his forehead but soon forced himself to look at the intense blue of Connor's eyes.

"Don't be so modest. The great Phil Lester can do anything he sets his mind to without trying." Connor's eyes glittered with the compliment. Phil swallowed, had he set the bar that high. He chuckled nervously once again.

"Uh - of course, let's go." Phil nearly stuttered and set his glass down. He turned back to Chris and PJ - the anxiousness clear on this face. His best friends looked concerned but Chris smiled and gave him a thumbs up and a whispered good luck. Phil blew air from his cheeks before taking Connor's hand and leading him onto the dance floor with the other couples. He gently held his waist and cupped his palm and tried to synchronise with the waltz. It took a little trouble getting into the same rhythm as everyone else but was doing alright. Phil let his guard down for a little while - once again marvelling at his natural talent. However relying on that only caused things to go downhill. It started with stepping on Connor's foot.

"Ow!" Connor winced and a look of horro flashed over Phil's face - his insecurities coming flooding back.

"I'm so sorry." Phil nearly stuttered once again.

Connor smiled. "It's okay, we all make mistakes."

However Phil made many more mistakes. He stood on Connor's other foot twice and led them into another couple which received some glares. Phil's nerves only made it worse. Connor stopped soon after, frowning down at his feet slightly. "Maybe we should call it a night." the boy offered and Phil felt his stomach sink.

"Y-yeah, I'll get you a drink." Phil smiled awkwardly and Connor nodded without even looking at him.

"Oh god you fucking idiot." Phil thought anxiously as he went over to the drinks table. He paused halfway there when he saw someone waltz into the hall late. Phil's eyes widened when he saw Dan Howell all dressed up, Louise Pentland on his elbow. Phil couldn't believe Dan could actually look so neat and marvelled at how well the black tux hugged his form. The white and black patterned shirt underneath supporting a black bow tie. His hair wasn't messy for once but straightened into a similar fringe to Phil's only in the opposite direction. His black onyx studs stood out on his ears as well and honestly he did look really hot. Phil was taken aback by the transformation - he almost looked like he belonged; it was also the first time seeing Dan without a smug expression. He looked content and something about it made his stomach feel funny. He ripped his gaze from the boy and shook those thoughts away. Dan Howell was a prat. He continued his journey to the drinks table instead.

As he asked the server to fill two glasses, Chris and PJ appeared by his side. "We saw the whole thing mate." Chris said almost pitifully. Phil glared at him and took a large gulp of wine.

"You just let your nerves get the best of you." PJ offered.

"I totally embarrassed myself. My reputation is tarnished." Phil mumbled solemnly.

"So Phil Lester can't dance. It doesn't exactly take away from everything else." Chris shrugged.

"It made me look stupid." Phil grumbled.

"Hey we're all imperfect. I think it only makes you more human. More attainable." PJ smiled.

"I can't be attainable Peej. You know my father has to keep up the school's image. Me not being able to complete such a simple practice could damage it." Phil whined.

"I think you're being a little melodramatic." Chris snickered.

"I don't think the press are going to care about that." PJ reassured.

"You'd be surprised." Phil huffed and took another gulp.

"Where's your date?" Chris asked, changing the subject.

"Probably hiding from me in embarrassment."

"If he's embarrassed of you then it's his loss." PJ frowned.

"Go find him. Show him that Phil Lester is still the talented bastard we all know." Chris smirked and shoved his friend towards the dance floor. Phil nearly spilt Connor's drink. He playfully glared at his friends before taking a deep breath and seeking out his date.

He searched the sides of the hall and all the tables. He was confused not to find him anywhere. Phil frowned, had Connor really been that ashamed to be seen with him? Phil gritted his teeth at the thought - how rude could someone get? Phil's opinion of the boy was rapidly changing. He thought that Connor was sweet and didn't care about reputation. Phil began to doubt this notion however when he thought back to his words before their dance.

"Don't be so modest. The great Phil Lester can do anything he sets his mind to without trying."

Had he really thought that? Was he disappointed? Phil felt a lump in his throat. Sometimes he really hated being the headmaster's son. He turned his gaze to the dance floor only to find Connor dancing away. For a moment Phil felt hope that he hadn't been abandoned but his blood ran cold when he saw who he was dancing with.

Dan Howell.

Phil's blood boiled as he watched Dan dance with Connor perfectly, step-for-step. He practically seethed at Connor's adoring expression. Phil felt the betrayal wash over him and couldn't help feel his eyes sting a little. He refused to cry though - not so publicly, not where he could be judged and ruin everything his father had built. He seethed in silence until the dance was over and watched furiously as Connor beamed and talked animatedly with Dan and gave him a peck on the cheek before scampering away. Phil watched Dan like a hawk and followed the boy to the drinks table. Just as Dan finished downing a glass of water, Phil grabbed his wrist and dragged him towards the exit. He wasn't going to make a scene in front of everyone, he would vent his frustrations in private. The boy squeaked at the suddenness of Phil's actions.

"Hey what?" Dan asked in confusion as he was dragged into the fresh night air.

"Just who the hell do you think you are?" Phil spat.

"Huh?" Dan asked dumbly. This was probably the first time he'd seen the boy look so confused.

"Is it your goal to humiliate me? Y'know stealing someone's date is really dick move Howell. I didn't know you could sink any lower." Phil sneered.

Dan frowned, still confused at Phil's outburst. "I honestly don't know what's going on right now." Dan tried to convince him.

"Don't act so innocent! You danced with Connor." Phil snapped.

Dan's eyebrows raised. "I didn't know he was your date." he said earnestly.

Phil didn't listen though. "Of course you did! Why else would you dance with him? You did it to spite me just like you always do." Phil continued angrily. He honestly hated Dan Howell.

Dan looked annoyed - it was the first time Phil had seen him look so bothered by what Phil had said. "I don't do anything to spiteI you. Besides Connor asked me to dance. I couldn't be rude and say no could I?" Dan asked angrily.

Phil faltered. He felt the betrayal even more - Connor had asked Dan? How could he do that to Phil? He must have known they were rivals, almost everyone knew. Phil's pride was damaged. Dan's frown was replaced with a concerned look when he noticed Phil's change in mood. He saw the betrayal on his face and felt bad. Phil remembered that Dan was there and tried to muster up his usual confidence.

"Why ... why would he dance with someone like you? Because I can't dance? I don't think so! I can do anything, I'm Phil Lester!" Phil retorted but there wasn't as much bite in his words than usual.

Dan's eyes widened. "You can't dance?"

Phil's stomach dropped and he suddenly felt small under Dan's gaze. He blushed. He quickly tried to regain his normal bravado. "Of course I can. I can do anything." Phil sniffed.

Dan looked at him sceptically and held his hand out. "Prove it then." He provoked.

Phil glared at his hand. "I don't have to prove anything to you. Why would I want to dance with you anyway." Phil snapped back but felt his nerves bubbling at the surface.

Dan held his hands up in surrender. "Hey, if you can't do it, you can't do it." His usual smirk had taken residence on his face.

Once again, Phil couldn't help but let Dan rile him up and accepted his challenge without a thought. "Fine! I'll show you!" He growled but regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. Dan looked absolutely delighted however. Phil tried not to show the anxiousness he was feeling in his facial expressions.

Dan offered his palm once again and Phil hesitated for moment before reluctantly placing his palm in the others. He placed the other on Dan's hip and tried to ignore how the heat from his body seeped into his fingers even with the fresh air. Phil avoided looking at Dan's face and listened for the rhythm of the music coming through the hall windows. He focused very hard and started to waltz. He found with concentration that he could just get the moves right but he felt a strain trying to think about it.

"You look like you're in pain." Dan giggled and Phil's eyes suddenly snapped up to Dan's face. He was surprised to see a genuine smile there.

"Shut up." Phil grumbled but lost concentration, standing on Dan's foot as he did. Dan flinched a little and Phil felt his stomach drop. Oh god. He held his breath as he waited for the judgemental look to cross Dan's face. However he once again was floored when he saw the encouragement in his features instead.

"Here." Dan offered and moved Phil's hand to his shoulder whilst Dan's hand shifted to Phil's waist. Phil tried not to blush at the hot touch. "Just relax. I'll lead and once you're comfortable you can try again." Dan reassured.

Phil was momentarily speechless before digging into his normal instinct to insult Dan and tell him that Phil didn't need help - Phil Lester could do anything. However Dan jumped in first. "Just shut up and learn for once." Dan said seriously and Phil found his words falter. For some reason the look on Dan's face compelled him to listen. His mouth clamped shut. Dan smiled and began to lead them in a waltz. Phil felt panicked again as he tried to follow Dan's movement.

"Relax, let your instincts take over." Dan insisted and Phil looked at Dan's face - finding it oddly comforting. His mind started to process the colour of his eyes - the middle of them were a more honey brown which bled into a more coffee brown. His irises were rimmed with dark chocolate and there was a small brown fleck in the left eye which Phil found himself concentrating on. He didn't realize that he was in a trance until the song was over and Dan spoke again.

"There you go. You didn't fumble once." Dan beamed proudly and Phil felt his heart falter. Why did he feel so proud when Dan looked at him that way? Phil couldn't understand why Dan was causing his insides to go fuzzy. "Now you lead." Dan instructed as the next song started. Phil swallowed and found his fingers moving to Dan's hips without thinking. He listened out once more for the sound of the violins enchanting a new melody. Phil tried to relax his mind and manoeuvre he and Dan. He couldn't help the small smile that reached his lips when Dan's steps matched perfectly with his own, he grew more confidence and led the waltz effortlessly - all the while not being able to look away from Dan's face once again. Something about it was strangely calming. The slope of his nose to the cupids boy of his pink lips. His soft peachy skin and cute brown freckles. Dan's face was strangely ethereal.

Finally the song came to an end and both of them stood frozen. Phil snapped out of whatever odd reverie and retracted his hands from Dan - almost as if he'd been burnt. What was he doing? Phil swallowed and glanced at Dan's smiling face. He felt that weird feeling again. He desperately grasped for something to say. "H-ha! Told you I could do anything!" Phil smirked but they sounded more unsure than usual. Phil expected Dan to retaliate but instead Dan only smiled down at his shoes.

"Yes you can, can't you?" He spoke softly before giving Phil one last smile and walking inside. Phil felt so conflicted and confused. What the hell had just happened? What the hell was he feeling? Was Dan trying to get in his head? Phil scowled. Dan Howell was an idiot. Stupid Howell.

Phil hated Dan Howell. He glared once again at the name taking the number one spot on the score board. He turned round and narrowed his eyes at Dan who stood smugly with his hands tucked into his black skinny jeans. Phil once again felt irritated by his presence - his wavy hair and un-tucked shirt.

"Falling short again Lester?" Phil didn't know what to say for once. The insults in his mind just didn't have enough bite. "Guess it was just sheer dumb luck and talent again!" Dan boasted.

Phil hated Dan Howell. He'd show him. He'd show that Phil Lester could do anything- especially beat a commoner like him.

Phil was having dinner with his father, the head of Sinclair Industries and his daughter. Sinclair Industries was a wealthy business that developed many types of computer technology - Mr Sinclair and Phil's father often did business together as two wealthy owners. Mr Sinclair's technology was used in the school. His daughter went to school there as well - her name was Annabelle Elizabeth Sinclair. Phil shared a few of her classes and often talked about their parents.

"Your test scores this year are the best you've ever had I hear." Mr Sinclair started a new conversation as he sipped the soup they were having as a starter.

"Yes I can't help but be extremely proud of the students' ambition this year. Annabelle herself has improved immaculately." Mr Lester complimented.

"Thank you sir." Annabelle smiled politely.

"And Philip, how are your studies going?" Mr Sinclair asked.

"Oh, well thank you Mr Sinclair." Phil smiled anxiously.

"Good man. Oh Michael, I hear you have a new transfer student whose doing extremely well. What's he like?" Mr Sinclair asked, directing his attention to Phil's father.

"Yes he is certainly impressive. The boy, Daniel, is here on scholarship and is the top of the year. He's gotten near perfect scores every time - a real model student, especially with his background." Mr Lester complimented, shooting a sideways glance at his son. Phil tensed up at Dan's name, almost scowling into his soup.

"He's certainly proven himself. I wonder if he'd be interested in working for my company." Mr Sinclair pondered.

"I would say it's a good opportunity. He's been giving Phil a real run for his money." Mr Lester smirked. Phil narrowed his eyes at his father.

"Nothing wrong with friendly competition. I think it's good to strive for better. You can bring out each other's potential. You're both intellectual boys with a bright future ahead of you." Mr Sinclair complimented and Phil held back a blush at his words.

"Thank you sir."

"I wonder if that Daniel boy has considered marrying into a wealthy family." Mr Sinclair pondered as the starters were taken away and replaced with the main. Phil stiffened. "He'd make a fine husband don't you think Annabelle?" Mr Sinclair asked and Annabelle blushed. Phil had a horrible taste in his mouth and it wasn't the food.

"Well he is handsome and smart. He's also really funny ..." Annabelle said almost dreamily. Phil felt something sharp in his stomach. He couldn't place it but he didn't like the feeling at all. "

"Looks like it'll be more than business that you'll be talking about." Mr Lester chuckled, oblivious to his son's conflicting emotions. "Although I may have to snatch him up first. Eh, Phil?" Mr Lester joked and Phil looked at him in alarm. He marry Dan? Why did his insides go fuzzy at the thought. He scowled at his father.

"Don't be ridiculous."

Annabelle jumped in, "Dan and Phil are rivals. Everyone in the school knows they hate each other."

"Hates a rather strong word." Mr Sinclair comments.

Phil swallows. "We just have a small rivalry is all." Phil lied and felt weirdly unsatisfied with how he and Dan were defined. Weren't they always enemies? He hated Dan and Dan hated him. Phil suddenly felt sad - why did he feel disappointed with the thought of Dan hating him? What the hell was wrong with him? He didn't care. He didn't care about Dan. He hated him. He'd show the smug bastard that he was better than him.

There was a knock on the door. "Go away." Phil called distractedly as he read through his Biology textbook. Despite his command, the door to his dorm opened and Chris poked his head through.

"Hey gorgeous." He teased and Phil rolled his eyes, looking up from the text with annoyance. PJ slipped in after him.

"I'm busy right now guys." Phil sighed.

Both his best friends frowned down at the books surrounding him. "Are you ..." PJ frowned.

"Studying?!" Chris finished in alarm.

Phil scowled. "Yeah ... that's what people do when they've got exams isn't it?" Phil snapped.

"Well yeah but ... you practically never study. I thought you relied on raw talent?" PJ raised an eyebrow.

"I do - I am, I .... I study sometimes." Phil said in defence although it wasn't true.

"No you don't. We've known you for years. You must be really fired up to get number one." Chris smirked.

"What's wrong with wanting good grades?" Phil hissed.

"Nothing. It's great. I'm proud of you." PJ smiled.

Phil blushed. "It's really not that big a deal." He insisted and felt weirdly exposed - as if Chris and PJ had uncovered a secret.

"Yes it is!" Chris exclaimed.

"No it isn't. Come on Chris, let's let Phil be." PJ urged and Phil felt grateful for PJ's understanding.

"But-" PJ shoved the boy out of the room and gave Phil one last encouraging smile.

Phil couldn't stop grinning. His name was right next to number one on the board. He felt the satisfaction seep through him. He turned round just in time to see Dan look at the results. Phil felt the need to boast swell inside him.

"Guess whose back in first place where they belong." Phil smirked. He expected Dan to retaliate but the look he gave him left Phil feeling floored. Dan was smiling at him. Genuinely happily smiling at him. Phil stared in shock at the unexpected turn of events. Why did he look so ... proud? Phil swallowed and suddenly felt a warmth flood through. He suddenly didn't care about the score board. He just cared about the fact that Dan's smile felt like everything - that him being proud of Phil was the only opinion that mattered. Phil didn't understand why he felt this way but it felt nice. To be looked at the way Dan was looking at him. It was doing some embarrassing things to his chest though.

"Congratulations Phil." Dan grinned and winked at him before disappearing into the mass of bodies trying to get a glimpse of their scores. Phil felt cold without Dan's presence and he didn't like it. He didn't like how Dan was confusing him. He hated Dan Howell didn't he? He frowned. Maybe that wasn't as much the case.

"What's with the look? We're supposed to be celebrating!" Chris asked, poking Phil's side.

"Yeah, you got number one just like you wanted. Why aren't you happy about it?" Jack, Phil's other friend from class asked.

"I am." Phil insisted but still felt odd. He'd been thinking about Dan all afternoon and honestly it was starting to get annoying. He was hoping this night out would take his mind off it. He agreed to eat out with a couple friends then go to a party. Honestly he wasn't completely feeling up to it.

"Then perk up will you?" Chris grinned and slung an arm round Phil's shoulder. Phil smiled back and shoved Chris off of him. Soon Phil, Chris, PJ, Jack and Carrie arrived at a local restaurant that they often went to.

"Table for Ligouri please." PJ smiled charmingly and the waitress blushed a little and checked the reservation.

"This way please," She smiled sheepishly and led us to a large table. Phil went stiff when he saw none other than Dan Howell sitting at the table adjacent to them with Louise, Dean and Tom.

"Oh hell." I grumbled and PJ heard, giving him a concerned look.

Dean spotted as Phil's group slid into chairs. "Jack! Hey man, didn't know you were going out."

"Yeah, sorry about that we're still going to the party though yeah?" Jack asked.

"'Course, hope you don't mind that I've brought these lamos with me." He smirked and Louise smacked him playfully.

"Always a pleasure."

"Hey why don't you guys join us?" Louise asked with a bright smile. Phil clenched his teeth. Sit. With Dan? No way.

"Sure, we'll ask the waitress." Jack agreed and went to find the girl at reception. Phil felt the tension throughout his body. He came out to forget about Dan not be self conscious around him. Hang on, why should Phil feel self conscious. He wanted to scream with the confusion Dan had inflicted upon him. He curiously glanced at said boy and felt his heart jump when he saw the boy smiling at him. He averted his gaze quickly, trying with all his might to stop the blush threatening to take over his cheeks.

Both tables were put together. Phil was determined to have a seat that wasn't beside Dan. However when everyone sat Dan he was left the one opposite him. Phil internally groaned as fate took its course. Why must he be punished. Conversation hummed throughout the group of friends. Dan and Phil however stayed strangely quiet, only contributing here and there. They both kept exchanging glances and whenever one caught the other they blushed.

"What the hell is going on?" Phil thought as he caught Dan staring at him for the third time.

"So, Philip." Dean smirked, diverting Phil's Dan-related thoughts.

"Hm?"

"Finally beat Daniel huh? Must feel good." He grinned, clearly looking to stir a little mischief.

Phil tried to collect himself. "Oh yeah definitely. He was just lucky the other times." Phil boasted, eyeing Dan out of the corner of his eye. The boy smirked at Phil's statement and took a sip of water.

"Really now? What do you have to say to that Daniel?" Jack encouraged.

"It's nothing to do with luck. I study hard. I guess Phil actually got his head out of his ass and actually studied this time." Dan quipped. There was a round of 'Ooohs' at the table and Phil flushed a little. Dan was right after all - he had actually tried hard to beat him. He could almost feel the smirks coming from Chris and PJ. He took a sip of his drink irritably. Everyone continued to laugh and chat until it was finally time to go to the party. Everyone paid their share to Jack and Dean who agreed to deal with the bill. Everyone else waited outside in the meantime.

Phil blew into his hands as the chilly night air nipped at his limbs. He breathed in and out to take a little break from the intensity of the evening when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to see Dan standing before him - hair still messy and silver earrings glinting in the street light. He was dressed in a long black coat which complemented his figure and black skinny jeans and studded boots. He looked amazing. Phil let out the breath he was holding. Why did Dan look so much hotter out of uniform? He was a little surprised at himself for admitting that he found Dan attractive. He'd denied it a lot in the past due to him hating the boy. Hating him seemed like an odd concept now.

"Hey Phil." Phil felt a jolt in his chest - Dan almost always called him Lester. The way he said his name made him feel really happy for some reason.

"Hi." Phil replied dumbly. Dan grinned.

"Can I talk to you for a moment?" He asked softly and Phil was surprised that being alone with Dan made him feel nervous and excited at the same time. What was this strange attraction pulling him to Dan? Was there a string of fate forever intertwining them. Phil felt like he couldn't escape.

"Sure." Phil nodded, words coming up minimal. Phil followed Dan to the side of the restaurant away from the others. "So ..." Phil started awkwardly. "What's up?"

Dan chuckled at Phil's awkwardness before smiling kindly at the other boy. "I just wanted to say congratulations again. I'm proud of you." Phil stared at the boy in shock.

"What? Why?" Phil asked in confusion.

Dan only grinned at him. "When I first came to your school I was so ready to start proving that I belonged there - that I deserved my scholarship. When I saw how you behaved and how you got where you were it angered me. I felt that you were relying too much on your talent and social upbringing whilst others worked hard to be happy. I wanted to show you what you were missing. Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard. I showed you that when I got first place. I wanted you to open your damn eyes and stop being so arrogant. I didn't mind that you hated me, I just wanted you to work for something and prove to me that you weren't an arrogant prick ... well you're still an arrogant prick but I kind of like that about you now. I just wanted to tell you all this and just say that I don't hate you. If anything I admire that you have natural talent, I just didn't want you to waste and abuse it. So ... yeah ... anyway ..." Dan trailed off, looking a little flustered.

Phil was in total shock. He thought that Dan was challenging him to get a rise out of him - to take the top spot and ruin his reputation. Now here Dan was looking adorably red and telling him that he was only trying to help the whole time. Phil felt touched and warm and honestly how could he ever have hated Dan with his unruly hair, handsome dimples, doe eyes and gorgeous smile? He was a beautiful person and Phil was ashamed to only realize this now.

"I'm sorry." Phil blurted and Dan eyes met his. "I'm sorry for calling you all those names and-" Phil started to ramble but Dan put his hand over Phil's mouth.

"Shut up nerd. I forgive you." Dan giggled and Phil felt his heart go fuzzy. God he wanted to kiss Dan. Suddenly it didn't feel so surprising anymore. He really wanted to kiss his enticing pink lips. Phil smiled back and brought Dan into a hug instead. Even though Dan gave a startled yelp, his arms wrapped tightly round him. Phil felt his heart beat go wild in Dan's embrace. He didn't want to leave it ever. Shit why didn't he realize sooner? He felt Dan's nose nuzzle his shoulder and honestly Phil couldn't take the boy's cuteness any longer. He pulled out of the embrace and took one of Dan's cold hands in his.

"Thank you Dan." I grinned and Dan seemed to light up - I only then realised that this was my first time ever calling him by his first name. He was so pretty with half his face kissed by the amber light of the street lamp. The others were probably looking for them by now but Phil didn't care, they could leave without him for all he cared. Instead he enjoyed the feeling Dan's hand in his gave him.

Phil couldn't hold back anymore when he saw Dan's eyes dip slowly to his lips then back up again. He cupped Dan's cheek gently and pulled him into a passionate kiss. Dan didn't even hesitate to tangle his fingers in Phil's black locks and kiss back. Phil walked Dan backwards until he had him pressed against the wall. They broke hands so Phil could cradle Dan's hips and Dan could wrap both arms round Phil's neck to bring him impossibly closer. Dan's lips were perfect and soft and his noises were way too good to be heard in public. They broke away for breath only for Dan to pull Phil back into a more hungry kiss, tongue tracing Phil's lip. Phil felt a stirring in his gut and a warmth throughout his chest. He wanted Dan so badly - all of him. God he needed him. He wondered how he could have ever considered hating such a precious bean. Dan's tongue was heaven and Dan's leg was hooked over Phil's hip and oh god they really needed to go back to Phil's dorm now. Fuck the party - he wanted to spend every moment with his Dan and kiss him till his lips were raw. How was he so lucky to have such a wonderful person to kiss like this?

Dan broke away for air and grinned lazily at the other boy who was flushed and blinking slowly. "That was nice." Dan breathed and massaged Phil's head as he still played with his hair. An image of he and Dan cuddled together whilst he played with his hair flashed through his mind. He wanted it badly.

"Dan, will you be mine?" Phil asked, feeling very much infatuated with his new love.

"As if I'd say no." Dan beamed before pulling Phil back in for another passionate kiss.

Phil didn't hate Dan. Far from it, he was pretty sure one day soon he would tell Dan how much he loved everything about him and how he brought the best out of Phil. They really were tied together by the string of fate and Phil could only now be grateful that his life got tangled up with the amazing boy that was Dan Howell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry if I shifted from first to second person - haven't written in a while. Hope you guys liked it :) x

~HelloAnonymousWriter~

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