#i have a ob/gyn appointment today :I

[rafesgreasycurtainbangs]

the first appointment rafes able to go to🥹🥹 the nurse knew you knew the gender but didn’t realize rafe doesn’t know so when she says it rafe feels all these crazy emotions about the pregnancy

our little girl - rafe cameron x pregnant!pogue!reader

series masterlist

content: pregnancy check up, fluff, gender reveal,

word count: 829

You tried not to let the nerves show as you sat in the slightly uncomfortable chair of the OB-GYN’s office, your fingers absentmindedly playing with the hem of your sweater. The sterile smell of the clinic, the quiet hum of medical equipment, the faint sound of a baby crying somewhere in the hallway—it all felt so routine now. You had been here countless times already, had gone through every scan, every checkup, every little milestone without him. But today was different. Today, Rafe was here.

Even though you knew Rafe’s absence wasn’t his fault, it still stung—the loneliness, especially during a time like this, was hard to ignore. Pregnancy wasn’t something you could navigate alone, even when surrounded by people. But now, sitting next to him in the exam room, everything felt different. His knee bounced with quiet energy, his fingers gripping yours tightly, grounding you. He was here. Not just physically, but emotionally. Since he found out about the pregnancy, he’d stepped up in ways you hadn’t expected, becoming more mature, more present—more than you could have hoped for. He was trying, trying so hard to be the man you and your baby needed.

Rafe had been quiet on the drive over, uncharacteristically so, and now, as you glanced at him, you could see the tension in his jaw, the way his other hand clenched into a fist on his thigh. You nudged him gently. “Nervous?” He scoffed lightly, shaking his head. “No.” But then he sighed, squeezing your hand. “I mean… yeah, kinda. I don’t know what to expect.” You smiled softly. “It’s just a normal check-up. You’ll finally get to see them, though.” His lips twitched at that, a ghost of a smile passing over his face before it was gone. “Yeah.”

The door opened, and the nurse stepped in, her warm smile instantly putting you at ease. “Alright, how are we doing today?” she asked, flipping through your chart. “Good,” you answered as Rafe nodded beside you. “Excited, Dad?” she asked with a friendly grin, glancing at Rafe. He blinked at the title, as if it hadn’t quite sunk in before now. “Uh…yeah. Yeah, I am.”

The nurse chuckled knowingly before moving toward the ultrasound machine. “Well, let’s get a look at your little girl.” Your stomach dropped. Rafe’s entire body tensed beside you. His fingers tightened around yours almost painfully, and you didn’t even have to look at him to know he was staring at you, his chest rising and falling with quick, uneven breaths.

The nurse must’ve noticed the shift in the air because she glanced up, confused. “Oh—wait…did I—?” You swallowed hard, finally turning to look at him. His face was unreadable, eyes locked on you, lips parted slightly. He was stunned. “Rafe…” you started softly, guilt swelling in your chest. “You knew?” His voice was quiet, almost hoarse. Your heart clenched. “I—” You sighed. “I only found out last week. I didn’t—” His throat bobbed as he swallowed hard, and for a moment, you thought he was upset. But then he exhaled sharply, running a hand over his face as he let out a breathless, almost disbelieving laugh.

A girl, he murmured, like he was testing the words on his tongue. The nurse gave you both a sheepish smile. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize he didn’t know—” “It’s okay,” you reassured her quickly before looking back at Rafe. His eyes were still distant, unfocused, like he was trying to process everything all at once. “You’re having a daughter,” you said gently, squeezing his hand. Something shifted in his expression then. His brows furrowed slightly, his lips pressed together, and when his eyes finally met yours, they were glassy. Overwhelmed.

A daughter.

You could see the realization hitting him all at once—the gravity of it, the weight of the responsibility, the fact that this pregnancy wasn’t just some abstract idea anymore. It was real. She was real. Rafe inhaled sharply, nodding slowly. “Okay.” His voice was thick, uneven. “Okay.” And then, for the first time in months, you saw it—the pure, unfiltered emotion in his eyes, the raw vulnerability he rarely let himself show. It made your own throat tighten. The nurse gave you both a moment before she cleared her throat gently. “Do you still want to see her?”

Rafe nodded immediately. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.” As the nurse prepped the machine, Rafe turned to you, his hand cupping your cheek as his thumb brushed over your skin. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t have to. You could see everything written all over his face—the awe, the fear, the love.

And when the screen flickered to life, when the grainy black-and-white image of your daughter appeared, Rafe let out a quiet, shaky breath.

“There she is,” the nurse murmured.

Rafe’s grip on your hand tightened.

“She’s perfect,” he whispered.

And for the first time since this pregnancy started, you knew—without a shadow of a doubt—that he was all in.

taglist: @littlelamy @drewstarkeyswife0 @icaqttt

[luigisleftshoe]

Father to be Luigi Headcanons

When you tell him, he short circuits. It doesn’t matter how you tell him, cutesy note, direct announcement, accidentally show him the test. He just stares at you, dead silent, blinking like you told him you saw God in your breakfast toast.“You’re… wait. Wait. You’re—holy shit.” Then he drops to his knees and just wraps his arms around your stomach like you are literally holding the sun inside you.

He cries. Not like sniffles. Full tears. Starts talking too fast. Laughs mid-cry. Wipes his nose on his hoodie sleeve.“Are you okay? Are you scared? Are we gonna be okay? You’re gonna be such a good mom. Like unfairly good. I love you so much I might combust.”

Immediately panics about everything. Googles prenatal vitamins Orders 4 types of water bottles. Buys books with titles like "Engineering the Modern Father: Emotional & Structural Load-Bearing.” You tell him he’s spiraling. He stares at you like: “I’m literally responsible for protecting the vessel of our love, babe. I’m chill. This is me chill.”(He is not chill.)

Turns into the weirdest health nut alive. Bans you from lifting grocery bags. Meal preps aggressively. Has a meltdown over mercury levels in canned tuna. “Babe, this hummus has SODIUM. You’re carrying our future. You’re a national monument.”

He adds “baby-related zones” to his mental map. Hospital. Closest 24-hr pharmacy. The route to your OB/GYN. “Safe bathrooms within 10 miles.” honestly he'd probably build you a  custom Google Map. Color-coded. Shared with you. Titled: “Pregnancy Pathways: Wife Protection Plan v1.” or something dumb like that 

Starts timing your commute. Like if you normally take 13 minutes to get home and it takes 16 today?You’re getting a text like:“Not trying to be crazy but are you good? You’re +3 mins over your projected arrival time.”

Becomes weirdly obsessed with nesting but in a Luigi way. He’s not just building a crib. He’s: Comparing ergonomic gliders. Creating a color-coded “vibe board” for the nursery. Installing blackout curtains while shirtless and muttering: “I’m making a cave for our little cave goblin.” Also insists on a stupid theme like “Jungle Italian Renaissance” 

Talks to your belly like it’s a walkie-talkie. “Hey kid. It's me. Your dad. She’s doing great. Kicked ass at work today. Just wanted you to know you’ve got a good one growing you.”, “If you ever hurt her from the inside, we’re gonna have beef. Love you tho.” Also puts headphones on your stomach and plays the Interstellar soundtrack.

Gets extra soft during sex. Like, he still knows how to make you feel good, but now he’s obsessed with holding you, whispering into your skin: “I’m inside my wife while she’s carrying our baby. This is some spiritual shit. I’m overwhelmed.” Also cries after and tries to hide it bc ya know he has to be tough.

Man is SAT at every doctor's appointment. He doesn't care what kind of work conflict he has or anything he is making it to every single one and taking diligent notes. He will ask a million questions and asks them again after you leave. He will start a shared notes app with you of all the stuff the doctor said too just so you can refer back to it at any given moment. 

Once you hit the third trimester? He’s fully insane in the best way. Has you on live location. Has the hospital on speed dial. Has your OB’s entire office schedule memorized. Is running simulations in his head for “what if the water breaks at Target” vs. “on the freeway” vs. “in your sleep”. He’s sending you texts like: “Leaving for work. Your phone’s charged, right? Remember: if labor starts, call me, not Uber. I’ll dropkick a minivan.”

he absolutely spent the third trimester over-researching birth options. He’s made charts. He’s watched vlogs. He’s asked his friends inappropriate questions. He’s printed out: Hospital birth plan, Home birth plan, and “Emergency forest birth” plan (just in case). And he has each one stuck to your fridge just in case.  He has a binder labeled “BABY STRATEGY.” When you ask what he actually wants, he says: “I want what you want. But also... home birth just feels so “sacred”. I wanna catch the baby myself. What if they imprint on me.” He’s both dead serious and so unqualified. You tell him: “I’m not pushing out a baby next to our houseplants.” He nods. Understands. Still gently lights a candle “for ambiance” when you hit 38 weeks.

When your water actually breaks, he thinks he’s the one dying. You're like “hey babe I think—” and he’s IMMEDIATELY ON THE FLOOR. “It’s happening. Oh my god it’s happening. Babe? Babe. Where is the bag. WHERE IS THE BAG.” Trips over the cat. Puts your sneakers on the wrong feet. Fully tries to hand you your skincare bag instead of the hospital one.

He’s still trying to convince you to labor in the bathtub before you go. “Babe. One bath. One soothing breath. You love baths. It’s in the plan. Page 3.” You’re like “I am leaking LIFE. We are LEAVING.” He salutes. Grabs the bag. Opens the wrong door. Walks into the closet.

In the car he is every kind of maniac. One hand gripping the wheel The other hand gripping your thigh like it’s an anchor. Voice shaking as he tries to coach you through contractions using a YouTube video he half-remembered from March “Breathe in 4. Out 6. You’re doing great. You’re incredible. You’re hotter than Beyoncé. I’m so scared.” Keeps whispering “my wife is having my baby” like it’s a spell.

At the hospital, he is both deeply unhelpful and absolutely devoted. Cries when they ask if he’s the dad.  Holds your hand like he’s on a sinking ship. He is absolutely terrified of getting in the way of the doctors and nurses trying to help you but he also completely glued to you at the same time. And when the nurse says “she’s fully dilated”? He just blurts out:“Wait I thought we had more time. I didn’t even get to do the affirmation mirror thing.”

In the quiet moments between contractions, he’s whispering to your stomach. “Hey kid. I know it’s wild in there. Take your time. Be safe. But also please be chill. Mommy’s doing amazing. Daddy’s losing his mind.”

And when it’s go time? He’s right there. Holding your leg. Crying. Absolutely useless but incredibly present. He sees the head and gasps like he’s watching the Northern Lights. Then yells “BABE. OUR BABY HAS A SKULL. I CAN SEE IT. THIS IS INSANE.”

When the baby comes out, he falls apart. Just drops to his knees beside the bed. One hand on your face. One on your thigh. Sobbing. “You did it. You did it. I love you. I love them. I’m gonna pass out. But like romantically.” He’s shaking when he holds the baby. Can’t stop staring. Mumbles: “Hi. I’m your dad. I’ve been waiting my whole life to meet you.”

[potatoplace]

Charades: 3 Words, 4 Syllables

C1: 3 Words, 4 Syllables | C2 | AO3 Link

Series Masterlist | ACOTAR x Reader Masterlist

Eventual Azriel x Archeron!Reader

Summary: You find out you have cancer, and it's unlikely you'll survive. In an attempt to preserve your sister's happiness, you're keeping your diagnosis a secret until after her honeymoon. In the meantime, you'll need help from one person, to go to and from your appointments.

This is a terminal illness fic. Reader has cervical cancer, due to an HPV infection. The HPV vaccine is incredibly effective at almost completely reducing the risk for cervical cancer, as well as others. HPV is able to be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact as well as through sexual contact, and it is incredibly important to receive the vaccine.

Please don't feel the need to read this fic, it is a no happy ending one. There is no bright spot at the end, just sadness. I'm writing it because I need a good outlet right now for how I'm feeling after losing M'aiq. But feel free to skip it, it's going to be just. Heavy and sad.

Warnings: Terminal Illness, Cancer, no happy ending, angst, medical tests (pap smear, use of speculum)

Words: ~3.2k

Author's Note: like I said above, this is just an outlet for me right now. It's gonna be sad. Sad sad. Idk if it'll get updated 🤷‍♀️ who knows. It's an outlet so I'll see when I need it again. Hoping to get some of my scheduled stuff worked on tomorrow. Love you guys 🫶 -- also the title is from a Halsey song, it was a digital deluxe release for TGI during release week, chapter title is lyrics from it!

18+ only pls

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You’d never thought your life would come to this.

Staring at white walls, avoiding looking directly at the too-bright lights on the ceiling, your feet in stirrups, a doctor checking between your legs as you shivered, utterly uncomfortable at being examined down there.

You’d never even had sex, yet here you were, spread open because your tests hadn’t come back clean. That paired with the near constant spotting you had been experiencing for the last year, and now the constant fatigue, shortness of breath…

There was no point in worrying, until you had to. That’s what you kept telling yourself at least, to keep the anxiety from creeping too deeply into your heart.

“Wow, uhm,” the doctor said, shock evident in her tone. “I’ll be right back, I’m going to go grab the head doctor really quickly, so it tight, okay?”

And that was your sign to start worrying. Big time.

You nodded at her and craned your neck to watch as she left the exam room quickly, before your eyes returned to the colorless walls, the pale pink cabinets to your left. A heavy breath left you as you ran over the possible scenarios, what horrors the doctor had seen within you.

Large amounts of endometriosis? A baby, somehow?

… Cancer?

It was no secret that your healthcare had fallen to the wayside over the years, what with your mother dying shortly after your birth and your family losing their fortune less than five years later. Your father had been left to fend for himself and four girls, and it was a miracle that the four of you had made it this far, as unscathed as you were.

And now? Well, it was a miracle that you were here, in a doctor’s office at all. You couldn’t remember the last time that you’d been for anything other than the required shots for public school.

But here you were, going to the doctor on your sister’s-fiancé’s-family’s dime, in a country you had just moved to.

A knock sounded on the door to your right, an older woman following your doctor into the room before shutting the door softly behind her.

“Hello, Y/N, my name is Madja, I’m the head OB/GYN here, and Ianthe suggested I help examine you today. Is that alright?” You nodded shyly, watching as she took Ianthe’s previous spot, the other doctor hovering nervously behind her. Your eyes turned to the ceiling as she examined you, doing your best to ignore any sensations. You heard Madja ask Ianthe to grab supplies for her, only tuning back in when she spoke directly to you. “Okay, Y/N, I’m going to get a small sample, you’ll feel a brief pain and some mild cramping after.” You winced as she did so, squeezing your eyes together tightly. “Good job, you did wonderfully, and it’s all done.”

Madja removed her gloves and helped you remove your legs from the stirrups, sitting up on the exam table a moment later. “So, Y/N, we did see some abnormalities, and I’m going to order a few tests for you to find out more. Since we’re attached to the hospital, we’ll get you sent over for them in just a few minutes. Do you have any questions for me?”

“I… Do you… Do you have an idea of what it might be?” you asked her nervously, eyes flicking to Ianthe, who was fidgeting in the corner.

Madja sighed, a sad smile on her lips. “We won’t know for certain until the test results come back, but… Is there anyone we can call for you, dear?”

“No, no, I’ll…” you sucked in a breath. “I don’t want to worry anyone, yet. Not until we know what it is.”

She nodded, an understanding look in her eyes. “Very well. Ianthe will take you for your tests in a moment, and we’ll have answers soon. So don’t worry, alright, dear?”

“Okay,” you said quietly, watching as she left the room.

“Well, I’ll go grab a wheelchair, and we’ll get you down to MRI, CT, and X-Ray in a jiffy. And since you’re so important, you’ll probably get to skip to the front of each line, and you’ll be home before you know it!” Ianthe told you cheerfully, but you could see the sadness lingering in her eyes before she turned to leave.

You wondered how long she’d be able to keep it up, the fake-happy act, when something was very clearly wrong with you.

She returned a moment later, promised wheelchair parked outside of the room as she led you into it, settling your feet onto the footrests before beginning to wheel you deeper into the facility, chattering mindlessly to you about your hair.

Just recently, you’d had it bleached to a pale blonde, a look that you’d always wanted to try. But now that you were being given a weekly stipend for having had your life turned upside in a matter of months… You’d gone ahead and done it, loving the results.

“So do you use a special shampoo or anything?” Ianthe asked you as the two of you waited for the elevator to arrive at your floor.

“Hm?” You’d completely spaced out, your mind stuck on how painful those last few minutes of bleach had been. “Oh, I use one for color treated hair, but the real secret is purple shampoo. It keeps it looking bright,” you replied, running your fingers through your hair.

“That’s good to know, I’ve been thinking about going lighter with my own hair but the maintenance… It looks so amazing on you, though,” Ianthe gushed as she pulled up to a set of doors with a sign next to them reading Radiology: MRI. “Wait just a second, I’ll make sure we get in soon, love,” the bubbly blonde said with a squeeze to your shoulder before entering the room.

Only a minute later she returned. “Alright, as soon as the other patient’s done, we’re next. So, where’d you go to get it done?”

🤍💔🤍💔🤍

Three hours spent waiting for scans and getting scans done later, and you were back in the exam room you’d started in. Thankfully you’d been able to change back into your clothes, a comfortable but stylish pair of jeans and a hoodie, all courtesy of your soon-to-be-in-laws. Ianthe had gone to grab Madja a few minutes ago, but you could have sworn it was thirty minutes later when the pair finally returned, a redhead also entering the room with them.

“Alright, Y/N, we have a few things to go over,” Madja said seriously, taking a seat on a rolling stool. “During your pelvic exam, we observed what seemed to be a mass, obstructing your cervix. I took a sample, and we sent you for a round of tests for imaging, and reviewed them carefully. I’ll let Dr. Berdara take it from here.”

The redhead stepped forward, extending a hand towards you, shaking your hand gently. “My name is Gwyneth, but you can call me Gwyn,” she said with a warm smile. “I’m a gynecological oncologist, meaning that I deal with cancer of the female reproductive organs. From the tests we’ve run today, I am sorry to inform you that you have cancer. It is stage IV metastatic cervical cancer that has spread to your lungs, bones, and lymph nodes. We can discuss treatment options, but I would recommend telling your family as soon as possible.”

You nodded, but anxiety was already creeping through you, holding you hostage in one position. “I… I’m waiting, until after the honeymoon. I want them to enjoy it,” you whispered, thinking of how happy Feyre had been recently. How she was excited for this wedding, unlike her previous almost-wedding to that abusive jackass. “Could we keep whatever treatments we do secret, until then?”

And you didn’t want anything to get in the way of it.

Not even… Not even with you possibly dying.

“Of course. But you will likely need someone to take you to and from your appointments,” Gwyn pointed out with a raised brow. “And someone to be your emergency contact.”

“I’ll figure something out,” you mumbled, letting yourself take a steadying breath before asking the question you didn’t want to hear the answer to. “What are my options?”

“Well, we have a few things we can do. Surgically, we could do a radical hysterectomy, and possibly look at further surgeries to remove other masses, though I would not recommend the extra strain on your body,” Gwyn explained gently, watching as your eyes widened before filling with tears. “I recommend starting intravenous chemotherapy as soon as possible, we can make up a schedule for it before you leave today. Do you have any questions?”

“Uhm…” you sniffled. “What are…  What are my chances, with all the treatments?”

Gwyn’s eyes softened as she looked at you, grasping your hand gently. “With the severity of your diagnosis… We can make you comfortable, for the next few months.”

You nodded resolutely. At just 19, you were likely going to die.

“I wish I’d been able to come in sooner,” you whispered softly, before tears finally spilled over onto your cheeks.

🤍💔🤍💔🤍

“Did you want to stop for anything before we head home, miss?” your driver, Nuala asked.

“No, thank you, Nuala. Thank you for waiting so long for me,” you said quietly, guilt building inside of you. After all, you’d been in the clinic for over four hours, and the woman had been patient enough to wait outside with no more than one text, asking her to wait until you were done.

“It’s no problem, your safety is of the utmost importance.”

Right.

That was the whole reason you had moved to Prythian, after all. A tiny coastal country on the western edge of Spain, with only one large city - Velaris, whose streets you were currently being driven through.

And home? Home was a palace, where your sister’s fiancé, Rhys, and his family ruled from.

You would have been content, living in your small town in the southern US, if not for the attempted kidnappings that had occurred a month ago, prompting you and your other two sisters’ quick relocations to Prythian in an effort to not have the three of you killed.

Apparently, ruling a country didn’t make you popular with everyone.

But you wouldn’t complain now, having the freedom to explore your passions without worrying about having a job would be nice.

Though… That might not happen, after all…

You watched the vibrant streets passed by, wanting nothing more than to curl up in your bed, ready to ignore everyone and everything in an effort to not give away your new… Condition.

Which is exactly what you did, slowly making your way from the garage to the entrance hall, then through the main hall and up the grand staircase, taking the first right before seeing your door at the end of the hall.

If you were this exhausted now… You could only imagine what hell the chemo would put you through, how you’d manage to make it all the way up here each time.

As it was, your first round of it would be given to you tomorrow and…

Shit, you needed to find someone to take you…

Collapsing onto your plush, far too large bed, you thought of your options.

You didn’t want to burden Nuala, she already had enough errands to run all the time without having to babysit you five times a week for however long it took to administer the medications.

Your sisters were out of the question, you knew that Nesta and Elain would both tell Feyre, and your hopes at letting her enjoy her wedding would be shot.

You only had a week before the wedding, and two weeks after than for her honeymoon to be over. Only three weeks that you needed to keep up this charade, that you were fine and nothing was out of the ordinary. After that, you would be able to tell your sisters, whatever… Whatever that would look like.

At some point you must have drifted off, as you were awoken by the dinging of your phone, a text from Feyre ringing out.

Dinner’s in five, don’t be late!

That was two minutes ago, meaning you only had three to drag yourself downstairs and into the dining room, or else risk scathing looks from the King.

He hated people being late.

You hurried out of your room, knowing that he’d likely be pissed no matter what, seeing as you were still clad in jeans and a hoodie, entirely too casual for a dinner in a palace.

Though you didn’t see much why it mattered, as there was no one around to take pictures of your impropriety.

It doesn’t matter, I just need to do better. I’m living here on his dime, after all, and he’s going to be paying for my treatments too… You paused when you hit the bottom of the stairs, a wave of dizziness washing over you.

A strong hand met your back, keeping you steady. “Hey, are you alright?”

You managed to look up, eyes meeting hazel before flicking away. “I’m fine, thank you. Just ran down the stairs too fast, I think,” you said, an awkward laugh leaving you before you remembered that you were going to be late. Quickly, you set off for the dining room, Azriel hot on your heels, though you knew he could pass you easily with those long legs of his, and the fact that you were moving at slower pace than usual.

The two of you entered the dining hall together, just as the clock struck six.

“Good of you to join us, Azriel, Y/N,” the King, Xander, said as the two of you took the remaining empty seats next to each other. Dinner began shortly after, waiters bringing out salads and pouring wine, to which you placed your hand over your glass, not wanting to test how alcohol works with an illness like yours.

Probably not well, if you had to guess.

You hated how long these dinners took sometimes, and right now especially. All you wanted to do was go back upstairs and sleep, maybe take a nice, hot bath for the cramping you were having.

Over an hour later, dessert was served, and you hardly touched it. It had been a chore to eat the roast meat and veggies you’d just finished, and you were certain that you would lose everything if you attempted to have more, nausea already building in your throat.

You could practically feel Azriel’s eyes burning a hole into the side of you, watching you the entire time. Even now, as you took tiny sips of tea, he was watching you.

So… Maybe you had acted strangely before coming in here, but that didn’t mean that he thought something was wrong, and he probably wasn’t even watching you. You were probably just being paranoid, now that you had something to hide.

You left the dinner just after the King and Queen did, not noticing that the same someone who followed you in had chosen to follow you out, as well.

You made your way back to the grand staircase, looking up at them with dread in your eyes. You were tired, and you were still cramping, and you were emotionally exhausted, and… And you just wanted to cry.

“Do you want help?” that deep, smooth voice asked you, and you turned your head to the right to see Azriel, standing a few paces away with his hands clasped behind his back.

“No, I’m fine, but thank you for asking, Azriel,” you replied, latching your hand to the railing as you began to ascend, the eighteen steps kicking your ass by the end of it, and you stopped, breathing deeply as you tried to slow your heartrate and clear the dizziness from your head.

“You’re not fine, Y/N,” Azriel hissed as he led you with a gentle hand on your back, getting you safely to your room. You plopped onto your bed, sighing as your lungs recovered. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on? You’ve had doctor’s appointments frequently, and now you’re struggling to walk up a flight of stairs without help. You aren’t fine.”

Falling back, you let yourself stare at the ceiling as you contemplated the risks of telling him.

Feyre had told you he was good at knowing secrets about everyone, though she hadn’t mentioned his proclivity to share them with others…

Half of the truth, then.

“I’m sick, Azriel. I need to go to treatments five times a week, starting tomorrow. And I need you to not tell anyone, not until after Feyre and Rhys get back from their honeymoon,” you told him, your voice soft, resigned.

“Alright. Do you have a way to get there?”

You blinked for a moment, dumbfounded. “No, I don’t…”

“That’s solved, then, I’ll take you. What time do you need to leave tomorrow?”

You pulled yourself back into a seated position, a confused look on your face. “You’ll take me? Why?”

“Because you’re Feyre’s sister, and you deserve to have help in this, even if you refuse to tell your sisters now. Besides, I have nothing scheduled for the next three weeks, and after that, your sisters can take over. So, what time do we need to leave?”

Teeth worried your lip as you stared at him, utterly confused by his interest in helping you. You’d spoken maybe ten times in the month the two of you lived under the same roof, and it had been brief contact at that. But you supposed… Help would be nice, and he was offering…

“My appointment is at ten, and it takes about twenty minutes to get there.”

Azriel nodded, “Alright, I’ll see you at 9:30 to take you down to the garage. Have a good night, Y/N.”

He left your room soon after, leaving you laying on your bed, confused at the turn of events. From brief interactions to now offering to take you to your appointments, five days a week… It was strange, and you were also grateful.

As for the rest of your evening, while a bath sounded nice… you would much rather change into a nightgown and crawl into bed, maybe even get a whole twelve hours of sleep tonight.

So you did exactly that, shedding your jeans and hoodie, before slipping into a soft, powder blue nightgown. You set an alarm for 7:30, deeming two hours more than enough to take a bath or shower, then have a light breakfast before your treatment started.

You weren’t feeling hopeful, not really. The only thing you were letting yourself hope for was that you wouldn’t ruin Feyre’s wedding festivities. You wanted her to be happy.

That’s all you’d ever wanted, for your sisters.

That’s all you’d ever wanted for yourself.

But you were good at playing like you were fine, good at pushing through the pain. So long as you didn’t have to face a set of stairs, it seems.

You’d keep this secret, until the time was right.

🤍💙💔💙🤍

General Taglist: @daughterofthemoons-stuff @lilah-asteria @meritxellao @twismare @wrenisrad @icey--stars @le-nottibianche

[lynnbanks]

Ooh! Maybe a Luke x reader where it’s an unexpected pregnancy? She holds off telling him cause she’s afraid of his reaction, and accidentally tells Jack first.

She had no idea she was with child until her latest doctor's appointment where they made her take a test before she could be prescribed her new medication. One second she is worry-free and excited to get lunch with her boyfriend after her appointment and all of a sudden the thought of doing anything makes her sick.

“We know from your blood work you are pregnant but unfortunately you will have to go up to the 7th floor to make an appointment with an ob-gyn.” and y/n is still very much in shock and just shakes her head yes. Walking out of the doctor's hands shaking “What the fuck am I going to do.”

I can't tell Luke I'm pregnant, what if he leaves, what if this tears us apart, what if we are bad parents, what if I am ruining his career? All these what-ifs with nobody to pull her out of it.

She makes it to the spot where they agreed to meet for lunch “Hi baby how are you feeling?” Luke asked, taking in her pale face and shaking frame “Did everything go okay? You don't look too good.”

Pulling herself from her thoughts “Yeah um I-they had to take some blood so I'm a little shaky that's all.”

“Well, we should probably eat then!” He says it with a big smile, happy to see his girlfriend after just a few hours apart. and she couldn't be the one to wipe the smile off of his face so she decided to not bring up what the doctor had just told her.

3 weeks later y/n is now 11 weeks pregnant and has just about all of the early stage symptoms. Her first appointment with her ob-gyn is next week and she is terrified. Luke is starting to notice some changes in her too. She is more distant, and emotional this morning. He caught her throwing up after breakfast and when she was done she acted as if she had been caught doing something bad.

“Let's get you to bed sweet girl, you need some rest.” y/n can't tell if it is the fear, the guilt or the baby growing inside of her but she feels like she is about to throw up the very little food she has been able to keep down. “ you must have caught what jack had last week,” Luke says covering her up

And it is that exact reason Jack was home early from practice 3 days later to find his brother's girlfriend passed out on the floor in the middle of the apartment. And is sitting with her in the emergency room till Luke can switch with him. All is fine until the doctor walks into her room “Hi my name is doctor brown this is Emma she will be taking notes for me while we talk”

pulling out her stethoscope to do a plus measurement test “So what are we in here for today?” before y/n can say anything Jack says it for her “She was passed out on the floor of our apartment.” the doctor nodes her head “In your charts, it says you are in the early stages of pregnancy. Do you know how far along you are?”

the room goes dead silent “The reason I say that is because it is normal to be dizzy during the first few weeks but if it is causing you to faint we definitely want to check in with your OB to make sure mom and baby are doing ok.” y/n can feel the tears fill her eyes this was not happening right now

“ I'm assuming you are Dad?” the doctor says to Jack who looks just as pale as she did when she found out “Um n-no no that would be my brother” he says looking at y/n who looks like she might have a mental breakdown at any second

“Oh I'm sorry um well from what I am seeing everything looks good but we still want to do an ultrasound just to cover all our bases. We will have someone come in just a few minutes to get that done for you,” she says, pumping some hand sanitizer into her hands “My only suggestions would be lots of rest and to drink lots of water and if everything is all good with the ultrasound you should be out of here pretty soon.” be for leaving me to fix this mess alone.

“ Did you know?” Jack asked and all y/n could manage to do was sob into her hands and shake her head yes “Does he know?” she shook her head no “Oh y/n” he said as if she was a lost puppy coming up to hug her tight while she let it all go “I don't want him to leave me.”

She was full-on sobbing “What, why would you think that?” “ I am ruining his life!” Jack pulled away to get a good look at the girl he saw as a little sister breaking down in his arms “Hey it takes two to tango and it's not fair to him for you to say that when he doesn't even know.” y/n hadn't thought about how unfair it was to judge Luke for a reaction she didn't know he was going to have

“ I'm scared; every woman in my life has done it alone. I know what it looks like and I can't do it.”

Jack is rubbing her back trying to soothe her as best as he can. “Luke is nothing like those guys ok and if he did ever turn out to be one of those guys you know me and Quinn would be right by your side as you kick his ass.” y/n laughed a little at that “ but you keeping this from him is going to break his heart.

Let me know if y'all want Luke's reaction if I keep writing right now it is only going to get worse. I also love doing y'all requests. And again grammar spelling and all of the above don't exist here.💋💋

[poeticpascal]

Dr. Miller (Doctor!Joel Miller x Reader)

Masterlist | Request here!

Summary: An unexpected visit to the new OB-GYN in town results in a less than professional exam.

Word count: 2.4k

Warnings: SMUT, NSFW, 18+, MDNI, fingering, oral (f!receiving), allusions to infidelity, porn with (some) plot, gynaecological exam, undefined age gap, very unprofessional doctor!Joel lol, pet names, lots of fluff at the end!!

A/n: Thank you to the very lovely anon who requested this! You can find the request here. The idea is from a wonderful Bridgeton fic by @ao3loveisstrong, which you can read here! Thank you so much again for letting me use your idea ☺️❤️ hope everyone enjoys!

There’s nothing particularly warm about the waiting room. Of course, for all the gynaecology offices you’ve visited, that’s pretty par for the course. Just stone-grey walls, the paint chipping in parts, and posters stuck up that may have once added colour but have faded now into barely-legible antenatal support numbers and information on STIs.

The only noise that fills the space is the mechanical click click click of the receptionist’s typing, the only sound she’s made apart from a grumbled “sit over there” when you first walked in. Anytime you tap on your phone she shoots you a death stare from over her desk, so you instead opt for sitting with your hands on your lap and staring at your feet.

“Ma’am? The Doctor’s ready for you now.”

You look up to find the nurse looking right at you, her friendly smile about the only thing brightening up the room. 

You follow her down the corridor, just as dull and drab as the waiting room, to the final door where a sign reads ‘Dr. Miller, OB-GYN’ in scratched letters.

“Just through here,” she gestures, knocking the door and quickly getting a “come in” in reply. You straighten your top, even the waistband on your skirt and give the nurse a quick smile before slipping into the office.

Dr. Miller’s room is brighter, the walls clearly treated to a fresh lick of paint, with ‘thank you’ cards pinned to a corkboard beside the window. You can tell he’s made an effort to make it more welcoming, more comforting, and it works. It’s still clinical, all-white with tools and sanitising solutions dotted around, but his touches of personality make it almost like a home. There’s a picture frame on his desk, a little too far away for you to see the detail on it, but the black-clad, larger frame holding the smaller white-draped one tells you it’s a wedding photo. It’s sweet.

And sat at the desk, of course, is the man himself, his eyes trained on you from the moment you walked in. 

Doctor Miller stands, tugging on the shirt of his white scrubs. “Ah, hello -”

“Y/N,” you interject, and a small grin tilts his lips upwards. He’s cheeky, confident. He’s hot.

“Right, Y/N,” he pauses. “Your appointment was made quite last-minute today.” 

He makes his way to the exam table as he talks, patting where he wants you to lie down.

You let your eyes wander from his hand, trailing up his arm to his jaw, covered in a soft, greying beard that gives him an irresistible ruggedness. He’s tall, with big broad shoulders that overshadow your own, the structure of his face harsh yet perfectly sculpted.

“Well, it was an emergency, Doctor,” you reply, leaving your coat and bag on a nearby chair before hopping onto the table and trying not to let your gaze linger on his frame. He’s just trying to do his job, after all.

You swing your legs onto the table and lay down, legs bent and knees in the air, exposed. Dr. Miller’s already towering figure hangs over you, his eyes on yours, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up past his elbows.

“Comfy?” He asks, something playful underlaying his tone. Like he’s teasing you.

You shrug, “are these things meant to be comfy?” 

The Doctor laughs and shakes his head, landing a hand on your covered knee. “Unfortunately, I don’t think so. But I’ll make things as comfortable as possible for ‘ya.”

His southern drawl is prominent, but for his rough appearance, it’s soft and gentle. Kind to the ears.

You just nod and smile, satisfying him as he takes a seat on the stool before the table and asks, “what’s the problem then, darlin’?”

Darlin’. A name that drips so easily from his lips, so smoothly, and yet it sets your tummy on fire and it’s all you can do not to squeeze your legs back together right there in front of him. 

You swallow. “I think it’s best if you see for yourself, Doc.”

His gaze falls to your crotch, carefully pushing the mesh of your skirt up over your legs to reveal your underwear, the ones you can feel a puddle of arousal forming in. You know he must see your wetness when he sighs out, his eyes stuck on your crotch for a moment longer before he looks back up to you again.

“You’re married,” he observes, having noticed your wedding band.

You’d be hard-pressed not to notice his hands drifting along your thighs as you answer with a soft “mhm”.

“And how’s your sex life?” 

The question is blunt, direct, genuine. Hopeful, perhaps. “It’s… okay. A little slow,” you answer, biting your lip when you see his brows knit together.

“Slow? You don’t have sex often?”

“No, no,” you answer quickly. “He’s just slow in bed. I think it’s ‘cos he’s so old.” There’s a firmer grip on your thighs now, and you try not to giggle, focussing on the ceiling so as not to give yourself away as he stares up at you.

“Right,” is all he replies, before startling you with how quickly he rips off your underwear and throws them onto the floor. Unprofessional, unsanitary, uncaring.

Desperate.

“How’s it look, Dr. Miller?” You tease. He slowly, painfully, brings a finger to your entrance; his thumb if its thickness is anything to go by.

“You’re wet,” he whispers, almost inaudible. “You always get this wet? For your husband?”

Your heart races, and you don’t realise you haven’t answered the Doctor until he pulls his hand away, tracing it back along your inner thigh. “You seem distracted, (Y/N). Maybe we should reschedule our app-”

“No!” You all but yell, an embarrassed flush quickly joining the heat in your cheeks. You can’t see his face, but you know Dr. Miller’s smirking, and you shuffle awkwardly on the table. “Need you to check up on me, Doctor,” you whine.

“Well in that case, ma’am…” he stalls, though you’re acutely aware of his presence at your core, so much so you can almost feel his breath hit your clit. “I need you to lay extra still for me. Can you do that?”

You nod, not saying anything, and he laughs. “Very well then.”

You jolt as Dr. Miller swipes his thumb over your clit, throbbing and sensitive at his touch, desperate for more. He goes lower, using two fingers to spread your folds apart, his voice noticeably deeper as he groans.

“You’re dripping, sweetheart.” The Doctor’s gentle cadence is gone, pure lust soaking his words.

“That a good sign, Doctor?” You ask, willing yourself to stay calm as you feel the tip of his fingers tease your entrance.

His other hand moves to the top of your knee, holding it in place as he pushes two fingers inside you, so big they stretch out your cunt with ease. “Very good,” he breathes, too occupied with watching his fingers push in and out to even register his own words.

The two of you are silent for a few moments then, the only sound in the room that of your laboured breathing and the wet slick of your cunt tensing around Dr. Miller’s fingers. He’s skilled, moving in all the right ways and finding a rhythm that makes your toes curl, straining against the table at his mercy.

“You need another one. ‘Ta make sure everything’s fine,” Dr. Miller mutters. His words are strained, like he’s resisting his own urge to moan out, to go completely feral on you while nurses and receptionists shuffle around on the other side of the door. You wish he would.

“O-okay, Dr. Miller. Whatever you want, sir, please,” you gasp, a wave of pleasure flooding you as he finally reacts to your words, groaning a “fuck” and quickly spreading you even further with a third finger. Your hands go to grab his hair on instinct, but your position on the exam table makes it impossible, so you grip the sides of the metal frame instead and squeeze as he curls his fingers deep inside you and fucks you with them harder, faster.

You bite your lip, desperate to halt the moans that threaten to break out far too loudly, sure to draw attention from anyone passing by. But the coil in your lower tummy tightens, led by the Doctor’s expert movements inside you, and you whimper “I’m cu- cumming, oh my god, I-” before arching your back off the table and - 

He stops. He removes his fingers, the feeling of emptiness immediate, and you cry out as he goes back to caressing your thighs.

“Sh, shh,” he soothes, placing a gentle kiss to your knee. “I need to see how you taste, baby. Can I do that? Can I fuck you with my tongue?”

You don’t, can’t, even speak, just frantically nod and buck your hips into the air for some sense of relief. You hear the Doctor chuckle against your skin, his kisses trailing back down your leg until his nose is nestled in the crook of your pubic bone, not where you need him but just close enough to bring tears to your eyes.

“Please, Dr. Miller, I need it, please-”

He hears you. He hears you, and you know it gets to him when you call him that, and before you can even register his movements he’s driving his tongue inside you and nudging his nose against your cunt. You yelp, hands once again gripping the metal frame of the exam table, heels digging in to the cushioned mat where you’re lay.

The Doctor moans, the vibrations hitting your clit and making you moan back, the fast pace of his movements making it almost too overwhelming. “So good,” he grunts, flicking his tongue against your clit as he takes a moment to breathe. “So fucking good, baby. Such a gorgeous little pussy. So perfect.”

“It’s yours, Dr. Miller. Oh god, it’s yours. Please just - oh, just make me cum, Doctor, please.”

You sound pathetic, you know you do, but you can’t find it within yourself to care. You  know he loves it because he groans again, still breathless but diving back into your cunt and pushing his tongue even deeper inside you, wet and warm and hitting all the right spots.

You’re getting close, and he must sense it because he releases his bruising grasp on your knee to thumb your clit, fast and needy, losing the rhythm he’s built in his own desperation. 

“Come on, sweetheart, cum for me. Cum on my tongue,” he demands, pushing and pushing until you stutter over the edge and finally reach your release. You clasp a hand over your mouth, ignoring the tears that fall down your cheeks and arching up from the table, seeing stars as Dr. Miller coaxes you through your orgasm and finally begins to slowly, gently, bring you down from your high. 

“Alright baby, alright.” His voice is starkly different to how it was just moments ago; calm, gentle, caring. You lay still for a little while longer, the rising and falling of your chest starting to settle, the pattern on the ceiling more visible where it once whirred with your dizziness. 

And then you sit up, Joel’s face already tracking yours,  a grin playing on his lips.

“Too old, huh?” He recalls, less-than-impressed although you know he’s only being playful. “I may be older than you, sweetheart, but I doubt none of them younger boys could make you squirt in my office.”

“I squirted?” You ask, shocked. You didn’t even realise, too caught up in the pleasure and the way he filled your senses.

Your husband just grins further, and you roll your eyes, though you match his smile. 

“You gotta start warnin’ me when you visit the office, sweetheart. You’re wearing me out,” he laughs, finally standing from his little stool to settle between your legs where they dangle off the exam table.

“Shouldn’t be a problem since you’re so not old,” you quip back, making him roll his eyes. He takes your hands in his larger ones, brushing a messy piece of hair from your eyes and kissing the spot just above your brow, whispering “I love you” against your skin.

You adore when he’s like this; so gentle, so sweet. And you know that no matter how much he complains, he loves it when you come to visit him at work. He’s only moved into this office recently, the both of you still getting used to the new area, and you couldn’t be prouder of how far he’s come.

“I love what you’ve done with the place, baby,” you tell him, nuzzling his bearded jaw and resting a hand on his chest. “I’m so proud of you.” 

Joel only hums, modest as ever, holding you closely. He knows you mean it. You’ve been with him from the start, through everything, making the highs higher and the lows easier; every day he wonders how he’s gotten this lucky, even if you do leave him endlessly flustered with your surprise office visits.

You lean up to press a gentle kiss on his lips, grinning as he moans into you, and ots only then that you notice how hard he still is beneath his scrubs. 

“What time are you home?” You ask, your hands playing with his collar and the scruff of his beard.

“Around 5:30, hopefully,” he replies, though he looks in his own world as his eyes flutter closed at your touch and his head tips into your hand.

“Alright,” you press another kiss against his jaw, “well as soon as you’re back, I’ll fix this.” You gently squeeze his throbbing cock over his pants, making him moan and his hips stutter. 

“Baby, you ruin me,” Joel whines as you remove your hands and jump off the table, collecting your bag and coat before turning to face him with a giggle. You cup his jaw again as he rests his hands on your waist and you kiss him, deeper this time, not wanting to let go. “You love me,” you retort, grinning even wider as he cocks a brow but laughs all the same.

“I do, sweetheart. So much.” 

He stares into your eyes, thumbing your hips, his forehead pressed against yours. It’s such a sweet little moment, intimate, and you wonder why you keep on visiting him at work when it means you can’t stay there all day. He wonders the same. 

“I love you too, Dr. Miller” is your final reply as you head for the door, sending your husband a little wave and giggling as he mutters, “stop calling me that. Drives me crazy.”

Of course, you know he loves that, too. “Whatever you say, Dr. Miller,” you laugh, slipping out of his office and already thinking of how you’ll treat him when he gets home.

─── ･ .✧: .☽ . :✧. ･ ───

Tag list: @vickie5446 @skysmiller @none-of-this-makes-any-sense @letmehavemyfictionalmen

[moosegirl96]

Ultrasound - Matt Sturniolo x Pregnant!Reader

--

A week ago, I made an appointment with the OB-GYN to confirm my pregnancy and make sure everything's all healthy. Now, Matt's hand is on mine, his other on the steering wheel as he drives us to the doctor's, and I'm bouncing my leg, nothing short of nervous and impatient. Not a word has been spoken yet, both of us beyond anxious; part excited anxious, awaiting the confirmation of our pregnancy, but part fucking terrified anxious. I'm biting the skin around my nails until I'm suddenly snapped out of my trance.

"Honey?" Matt rubbed my shoulder, "We're here, okay? Y'Ready to get out?" He asked gently, almost immediately calming me down.

"Yeah, I'm ready, let's go," I smiled. He came to my door to help me out of the car before walking into the building hand in hand.

We eventually made it to the front desk to check in. "Good morning, how can I help you today?" the lady behind the big box computer asked with a smile.

"Hi, I'm here to confirm a pregnancy," I spoke with a slight shake in my voice, which Matt noticed as he clutched my hand tighter in his.

"Alright," she said, "First and last name?"

"It's Y/N L/N," I paused while she typed it all in.

"And date of birth?" she asked, looking up at me, her hands resting on the keyboard.

"Sure, it's MM/DD/YYYY,"

"Okay, I assume this is your husband?" she smiled, alluding to Matt who was standing next to me, off in his own little world, looking down the hall that was mostly an off white color with some framed abstract paintings of vulva flowers.

"Yeah, this is my boyfriend, Matt." I chuckled. He came back down to Earth and smiled at the woman in front of us.

"Okay, you're gonna head down that hall," she pointed, "then the second door on the right-hand side will be room 4, if you don't mind sitting in there and waiting for the doctor, that'd be great."

"Perfect, thank you, have a good one," I smiled and waved as I turned to walk away. I had to pull Matt to get his attention again, but once I did, we were headed down that same hallway Matt had been examining from afar. We turned into room 4 and sat down, him in a regular chair, myself on the examination table. I began to take in the space around me- the sterile scent that every single doctor's office shares, the feeling of Matt's hand on mine once he'd scooted his chair closer to me, the sound of paper rustling beneath me as I got comfortable, and a few rhythmic knocks on the door before it gently swung open and we were met with a woman's warm smile.

"Hi, is this Y/N?" she asked, holding her clipboard.

"That's me," I chuckled nervously while clutching Matt's hand.

"Awesome. My name's Vienna, I'm the ultrasound technician here. I'm gonna be doing your scans today if that's okay," she smiled. Her voice was soft and sweet, she made us both feel very comfortable.

"Sounds great," I nodded, laying back.

"I'm gonna scoot this chair over next to her if that's alright," Matt whispered, bringing the chair closer to the table to be closer to me, Vienna nodding as she signed into the computer so she could get everything started.

"Okay Y/N, I'm gonna put some jelly on your pelvis, it's gonna be pretty cold, so just beware of that," she laughed while shaking the bottle full of blue gel and squeezed it out onto my tummy. She was right, I shivered, which we all laughed at a little. "Ready?" I nodded, then she put the wand to my belly and moved it around a bit until we were able to get an image, and there it was.

I immediately heard a gasp from Matt as he clutched my hand in his even tighter, if that was even possible. "Oh my god... is that it? Is that our baby?"

Vienna smiled and continued moving the wand around, "Yup, there it is. It looks like you're about 8 weeks along right now, so still in the first trimester. I'm gonna go grab Dr. Turner to confirm, okay?" she stood up and left the room promptly, leaving Matt and I to look at a picture still up on the screen.

"See that?" I pointed, still staring in awe, "How amazing is that? That's a little baby."

The technician and doctor came back quickly, both sitting on either of their stools. "Hello, I'm Dr. Turner, I believe we spoke over the phone briefly last week, I'm the OB here and I'll be working with you guys throughout your pregnancy." She held a hand out, shaking mine and then Matt's, before smiling and turning to the screen.

"Okay, let's take another look please, yeah?" she said as Vienna put the wand back on my pelvis, picking up the scan. "Okay, yes, that looks like a baby, about 8 weeks." Matt and I looked at each other and let out a sigh of relief and joy. "Okay, if you really quiet down and listen... can you hear that? That there is a beating heart, 164 BPM, which is good and totally healthy."

Matt put his head on my shoulder as the doctor continued on with the appointment, confirming that there was a healthy baby and checking my stats and everything she needed to do.

"Look at that, it kinda looks like a little bean," Matt giggled, making the rest of us laugh with him. We looked into each other's eyes for a moment, feeling nothing but pride, hope and joy.

We wrapped up the appointment and scheduled another scan for a month later at the 16 week checkpoint. They gave us the sonogram and sent us on our way. We got back out to the car and just sat there for a minute, staring at the pictures we had.

"I have never been more excited for something in my life, Y/N. I'm so, so happy, and I'm the luckiest man in the world to be doing this with you," He smiled, planting a loving kiss on my lips.

We started driving home in a peaceful silence, until I spoke up, "So, our little bean, huh?"

"Hey, you can't look at this picture and tell me that baby doesn't look like a bean!" he laughed, pointing at it.

"I never said you were wrong, it's just probably the funniest thing you've ever said," I chuckled, playfully slapping his knee.

He sighed, "God... I can't wait to tell everyone."

----

Hey ho I'm back, sorry for a fucking month's wait 😭 I got pretty sick around Christmas and I've hardly been in work and school so it's been a lot of catching up. I hope you liked this, leave any recs in the comments or message me if you wanna! Love y'all thank you so much for your patience and support.

Motley <3

[omgstarks]

The Doctor Will See You Now (Stephen Strange x Reader)

Pairing: Stephen Strange x Reader

Summary: Nervous for your first ob-gyn visit, you meet the handsome Doctor Stephen Strange. As he guides you through the examination, a mix of anxiety and attraction brews.

Warnings: SMUT over 18+ ONLY, semi-public sex, creampie, unprotected sex, oral sex (fem receiving)

AN: Just had my first cervical exam so...

“Hi, I’ve got an appointment at 4:00.” You leaned against the counter while the receptionist behind it typed away at her computer.

“Your name?”

“Y/N, L/N”

“Great, I’ve checked you in. If you can have a seat, one of the doctors will come out and call you.” She gave you a reassuring smile. You took a seat in the waiting room. It was a cold, bright room that was illuminated with harsh LED white lights. In the background, played some local radio station. You were feeling anxious. It would be your first time seeing an ob-gyn, and the thought of being bare from the waist down to a complete stranger was intimidating, even more so if the doctor wasn’t a woman.

You looked around the room to see some other patients of all ages waiting. Mostly women, but a handful of men. It was nice to know some men actually cared about their sexual health.

You waited patiently as patients came and went, scrolling through Instagram to past the time or just sitting alone in your thoughts, periodically skipping through songs on Spotify. Suddenly, the big doors leading to the examination rooms swung open, and a man walked through, clipboard in hand. All eyes followed, hopeful to be the next one called.

The doctor, tall, with a slender figure and dark hair graced by white at his temples, wore navy blue scrubs beneath a white lab coat. He wore a face mask which he took off revealing a sharp jawline and high cheek bones.

“Y/N? Y/N L/N.” He spoke in a low baritone voice, scanning the room. You lifted your hand and quickly grabbed your things, standing up to meet him. His eyes met yours, and smiled.

“Hi, I’m Doctor Stephen Strange, and I’ll be conducting the examination and tests with you.”

“Hi,” you replied, a touch more nervous at the realization that your doctor was a man- even worse, an attractive one at that. He looked slightly older than you, probably in his late 30’s early 40’s But his clean-shaven face and styled hair, made him look younger.

“You can follow me this way.” He held the door open for you to walk through and led you down a hallway. You followed him, watching the white coat billowing behind.

“The room is just down here.” He motioned to the examination room at the end of the hall.

“Just take a seat in the blue chair by the computer, please.” You nodded and took a seat, scanning the room you were in. The room was small and sterile, with white walls and tile floors. A single circular window offered a view of the city below. 

On the wall by the door were a couple of large posters. One with the different forms of contraception and the other an infographic of the female reproductive system. Your eyes scanned the poster, and you felt a slight shiver run down your spine. You knew that this doctor would be examining your reproductive system in just a few minutes, and you couldn't help but feel nervous. He was an attractive man- a part of you just hoped you wouldn't embarrass yourself by doing anything inappropriate during your examination.

Doctor Strange sat at the computer, reading up on your record on the clipboard, and he cleared his throat and met your eyes.

“So, how are you feeling today?"

"Good. Just a little nervous." You admitted.

"That's understandable." Doctor Strange said. "But I promise that I'll make this as comfortable as possible for you." You nodded.

“I just have to ask you some questions before we start. Is that okay?”

“Yes.” You replied. He looked back to his computer and pulled up a long form.

“Can you recall when your last menstrual period was?”

“Umm, about two weeks ago.”

“Normal bleeding?”

“It’s been pretty irregular since I had the implant inserted a couple of months ago. I’ve heard it might just be the hormones?” You fiddle with your thumbs.

“Most likely. The progesterone in Nexplanon often induces variations in the menstrual cycle. But we’ll assess and rule out any potential underlying concerns." A reassuring smile accompanied the explanation.

“Great.”

“Are you currently taking any medication or supplements?” 

“No medication, but I am taking some vitamin D supplements.” This earned a small chuckle from him as he typed. “That’s a good idea during this gloomy time.”

“Just trying anything to combat the seasonal depression.” you joked.

“Maybe I’ll give that a shot.” He smirked.

Doctor Strange continued asking you questions, delving into your medical history and current health. He diligently typed your answers into the computer.

Your eyes flickered down to his fingers with each keystroke. His hands were big and the pads of his fingertips were almost the size of the keys themselves. Your eyes roamed up to the prominent veins etched on his hands, and you wondered how they would might feel pressed against your skin-

“And, when was the last time you had sex?” This took you out of your trance. You choked on your breath, a bit startled by the question. You knew it was routine—a standard procedure at a sexual health clinic. Yet, discussing your sexual history with a stranger felt strangely awkward. It was the kind of conversation you'd normally have with your best friend, someone who knew every detail of your life.

“Oh, um, probably 4 months ago.” The thought of your ex boyfriend brought a bad taste to your mouth.

“Was it oral or vaginal?”

“Both.” You said shyly.

“Both.” He murmured under his breath.

“And was the oral sex female or male receiving?”

“Male.” Unfortunately for me.

“Was this with a partner or casual?” 

“A partner- well, a former partner.”

"I'm sorry to hear that," he expressed sympathy. You shrugged, shaking your head.

"No don’t be. It's actually a blessing, more time for other important things."

"Let me guess... Playing the piano and reading?" you quirked an eyebrow.

"Yes..? How did you—"

He pointed to your purse at your on the floor. "You've got a piano keychain on your purse, plus I’d recognize 1984 anywhere. Just putting two and two together."

"You're quite observant."

"It’s what makes me a good doctor," he responded, the trace of a smile lingering on his lips before he cleared his throat and shifted his attention back to the computer.

“So that’s all the questions. I’m just going to take your height, weight and blood pressure before we proceed with the exam. If you can stand on the scale for me.” He motioned over the scale in the corner of the room. After taking your weight, he showed you where to stand to take your height.

“If I can have you here..” He gently placed his hands on either side of your arms and subtly shifted you to the correct position. Standing close, he measured your height, his baritone voice murmuring softly as he read the numbers above your head. His demeanour, a blend of professionalism and subtle warmth, left an intriguing impression on you. Stepping back, he instructed you to take a seat for the blood pressure test.

You nodded and rolled your sleeve up, exposing one of your tattoos. He rolled his chair towards you, taking your arm and wrapping the blood pressure sleeve around your bicep, his eyes flickering down to your tattoo of a treble and bass clef in the shape of a heart.

"That's a lovely tattoo," he complimented with a smile. "Any special meaning?"

“I just love music.” you chuckled. “So much so I’m doing a masters in NYU in Music Theory.” 

“Impressive.” He commented. “I take it you’re quite skilled at playing instruments.”

“Piano mostly. I could probably make it with the violin and the French horn as I grew up playing those as well.” 

“Quite a range. I have a baby grand at home, though my duties as a doctor don't afford much playing time."

"You must play well. No one just has a baby grand in their home. Maybe you’re just as skilled as I am." you teased, earning a smirk.

"Observant, aren't you?"

"You’re rubbing off on me already," you quipped, realizing right after your unintended flirtation. Fortunately, the blood pressure machine's timely interruption spared you the potential embarrassment of Doctor Strange witnessing your flushed face.

"So- Before we proceed with the examination, let me outline the tests we'll be conducting today. We'll check for STIs like gonorrhoea or chlamydia, BV and thrush, HPV, and perform a pap smear and pelvic exam," he explained.

“Okay.” you replied.

Standing, he moved to the other side of the room, drawing back a yellow curtain to reveal an examination table. A crisp white paper sheet ran down its length, with stirrups at the end for leg support.

“So you’ll need to take everything off from the waist down, lie back on the table, and position yourself at the edge," he instructed, tearing off a piece of the sheet. "Here's a covering for you while you're on the table." You nodded, and as you approached the exam table, he closed the curtain to give you some privacy during the undressing process.

"I'll be back shortly with all the necessary supplies," he assured.

"Okay," You responded, and the door closed behind him as he exited the room.

You positioned yourself by the bed, swiftly removing your pants and underwear. Folding them neatly, you placed them on the chair next to the head of the exam table, subtly concealing your underwear beneath your pants.

As you lay back on the table, draping the paper sheet over the exposed lower half of your body, the realization hit you—this was really happening. Your gaze fixated on the light fixture above, and the door creaked open.

You could hear him on the other side of the curtain, likely organizing the tools needed for the examination.

"Just locking the door to ensure privacy during the exam," he informed.

"Okay." The prospect of being alone with him in a locked room, your lower half exposed, triggered a whirlwind of thoughts. It was probably all routine for him. You’re just another patient.

"All set up. Ready for me to pull back the curtain?" he asked.

“Yes, I’m ready.” He pulled back the curtain, looking down at you as you lay before him. Your eyes met his, and this made your thighs twitch a little. He sat down at the other end, between your legs and pulled the table holding all the supplies towards him. 

"Could you shift a bit more towards the edge?"

"Um, yeah, sure." You attempted to move, struggling a bit due to the stirrups.

“I know, I’m sorry, it can be quite difficult,” he reassured, aiding you by holding the stirrups in place, and his hand subtly grazed your inner calf. Eventually, you managed to shift forward enough for him to proceed.

“Now, I’m just going to lift the table up.” He informed you. The table started to move up until you were almost at eye level with him. You laid back, hearing him putting on latex gloves on his hands.

“Before we begin the exam. I’ll be examining the outside of your vagina to make sure that everything looks okay.” You nodded, and you started to feel your face heat up as he pulled back the paper covering you, exposing your vagina to him. You let out a soft exhale as you felt his warm, gloved fingers open and move your vulva to the side. Before you could think much of it, it was over.

“Everything looks good, now for the swab tests. Again, the first test will be the STI screening test, and I’ll be inserting a swab inside your vagina. Shouldn’t hurt, but please let me know if you feel any discomfort.” 

“Sure.” You nodded. You felt a thin object slide into your vagina with ease. He twisted the swab before removing it and placing it in a test tube.

“Next will be the internal exam, I’ll use the speculum to gently widen your vagina so then I can collect a small sample.” You nodded.

“Have you had an internal exam before?”

“No.”

“Would you like to see what it looks like before I start?” You nodded, and he held up the plastic instrument. It looked quite small initially before he started to open it, showing you how it works.

“This might cause some discomfort, so please don’t hesitate to tell me to stop.”

“Okay..” You breathed, laying back down on the table. Before you knew it, you felt the cold, lubed-up plastic tool sliding into your vagina. You took a sharp breath, and your thighs started to quiver. 

“It’s okay, Y/N. Just breathe.” he spoke in a in a soothing manner. You felt a hand on your inner thigh- like that was going to help you relax any more. Your thighs trembled under his touch, all a mix of nervousness, and discomfort and just a hint of arousal as you felt his thumb lightly caressing your inner thigh. You squeezed your eyes shut, lightly gripping the hem of your shirt, trying to focus on your breathing and not so much the discomfort the speculum was causing. 

“You’re doing well.” He spoke as he inserted the small brush to collect the sample from your cervix, then inserted cotton swabs for the other tests. 

“Just one more..”

The last swab test was done, and Doctor Strange closed the speculum and slid it out of you.

“How are you feeling?” You opened your eyes and nodded.

“I’m okay.”

“Would you like to take a break before I proceed with the pelvic exam?”

“I think I’m okay.”

“This shouldn’t cause much discomfort as the speculum, but I’ll be gentle.” He quickly changed out his gloves for a new pair and squirted some lube on his fingers. He placed a hand on your lower stomach before slowly inserting two fingers into you. Oh god- 

“Tell me if this is okay…”

It was more than fucking okay. Not having sex in 3 months was going to be the death of you.

“I-it’s okay.” you stuttered. His hand started to press into your stomach as his fingers moved in a circular motion, palpating the organs within. You felt a slight pressure, but it was not painful, more like a gentle exploration.

The examination continued, Doctor Strange’s movements were precise yet gentle. As if you were an instrument, he was expertly playing. His fingers were thick and felt amazing inside you. No one- not even your stupid past boyfriends had been able to make you feel like this during sex.

The feeling was getting almost overwhelming for you, and it caused you to roll your head back into the exam table and let out a soft moan. Oh fuck.

The silence was broken, with Doctor Strange clearing his throat and withdrawing his fingers from you.

“I-I am so sorry. I- I didn’t mean to do that. God-” You quickly covered yourself with the sheet in shame. You watch as Doctor Strange removed his gloves with a loud pop from the latex before tossing them into the trash. For a moment, he was silent, as if he was trying to assess the awkward situation you had put on him.

He stood up, quickly glancing over to the locked door, before turning his head back over to you, his eyes scanning your bare legs.

“Are you sure?” You raised an eyebrow at him, confused about what he had meant.

“You said you didn’t mean to do that- but why do I get the feeling you were..enjoying it?”

Your face burned, unable to answer his sudden questioning. You tried to deny it, although deep inside, you know his words to be true.

“The way you looked at me this whole time. The way your body has responded to my every touch. Not to mention how soaking wet you were when I put my fingers inside you. Surely you could feel your arousal dripping onto my table?”

He was now towering over you; his cold blue eyes were darkened with lust. 

“I’m sorry about the table.” You gave him an innocent look, which caused him to smirk.

“No, you’re not.”

He shed his coat, tossing it casually beside your neatly folded pants and underwear. Your eyes couldn't help but trace the contours of his arms sculpted with toned muscles, veins subtly weaving along their sides. A lump formed in your throat as you swallowed, caught in a moment of silent admiration for this god-like man standing before you.

He walked back around to the edge of the table. You propped yourself up on your elbows to watch him from between your legs. He looked at you before pulling the curtain close and moving the exam table down a bit. 

“I just need a taste.” He groaned, then buried his head between your legs. 

“Oh fuck-” You breathed out, feeling his mouth envelop you. You let out a shaky breath as he found your clit a moved his tongue across it, softly playing with it with the tip of his tongue. He placed each hand on either side of your thigh to hold you open and keep your hips from moving while his mouth worked on you.

“Talk to me, sweetie.” He said before pushing his tongue inside you. 

“Oh my god..” You groaned, your eyes rolling back. You physically couldn’t speak, not properly, that is.

“Tell me how good this feels.”

“It-it feels so good, Doctor-” You managed to say. He pulled his face away from you for a moment, and you looked down at him, the bottom half of his face wet with your slick- which made him even more sexy.

With his fingers, he traced your slit slowly, watching you twitch every time his finger brushed against your clit. 

“Look at you.” He licked his lips as if he was a starved man. “Look how your body responds to me. No one has ever made you like this, have they? Not even your idiot ex-boyfriend who doesn’t know how to eat cunt.” You vigorously shook your head, wanting him to stop talking and continue where he had left off. You were close, and somehow you knew that he knew that.

“Please. I need more.” You moaned.

He carefully pushed his finger into you, his eyes never leaving yours. He added another finger, watching you carefully, and he curled his fingers up to caress your g-spot. He moved his fingers back and forth in this motion, finding arousal not only from your body but your reactions.

“I can see you’re close, sweetie. Don’t hesitate. Give me a taste of your sweet nectar.”

He leaned back in and found your clit easily- sucking hard then flicking his tongue against the small sensitive bud that immediately sent you over the edge. 

You let out a choked groan, hips buckling against his face as you came and flooded his mouth with your cum.

He removed his mouth from you, and you looked down at him, seeing your arousal drip from his chin. His mouth twitched up in a small smile as he stood. He grabbed the end of his shirt to remove it in one fell swoop. 

“No- wait.” you stopped him. His eyes quickly flicked with concern.

“Um...Can you leave it on..?” He gave you a look of confusion before understanding what you were asking of him.

“Are you saying you want me to fuck you with my scrubs on?”

You nodded shyly, wanting to fulfil the fantasy of fucking a Doctor.

He hid his wide smile and shook his head in disbelief. “Ohh, you dirty girl.” He pushed the waistband of his pants down to his mid-thigh, and you watched his cock, sprang up from out of his boxers. My God was he was thick. When you thought the speculum opened you up too wide, you wondered how his cock would feel stuffed inside you.

“Is this okay?” The lust from his eyes disappeared for a moment when he asked. You reassured him with a nod. 

“All I want is you right now, Doctor.” his eyes darkened once again, and he lined the thick head of his cock at your entrance, using some of your cum as lube. He put one hand on your knee and the other on the base of his cock to steady himself as he pushed inside you. You squeezed your breast as he moved slowly, inch by inch. 

“Shit-” He breathed once he was sheathed inside of you. His eyes were squeezed shut, and his breathing shallowed.

“Are you okay?” He asked once again. 

“I-I’m fine. You’re just too big.” The corner of his mouth twitched, almost like he was proud of his size. Who wouldn’t be?

He rubbed your lower stomach soothingly, saying, “Just breathe, relax your core for me.” You nodded, trying to relax until the pain started to transition into pleasure.

“Okay, you can start moving now.” He nodded. He pulled his hips back a little, watching his cock inch out of you before pushing himself back into your heat. He continued this slow, shallow pace until he could move in with ease.

“Fuck-” You allowed yourself a soft moan, letting your head roll back from his thrusts.

“God, you’re so tight I might actually cum.” He stilled, moving his hands across your legs and touching your skin. 

“I don’t mind.” You winked teasingly.

“And cut all of this short? I’ll fuck you all day if I could.” Your face warmed up at the idea. He rocked his hips back and forth, holding you by your legs to pull you into him. You gripped the sides of the examination table, letting out a guttural groan with his every thrust. You didn’t know it was possible to feel this much pleasure.

“I’m so close, Doctor.”

“Stephen. Call me Stephen.” 

“Cum with me, Stephen, please.” You begged, watching him fuck you in an animalistic nature.

“Oh, Y/N-” After a couple of thrusts, you felt his cock throb inside your walls at the same time, the pressure in your stomach began to roll over. Gripping your thighs tight, he thrust into you one more time as deep as he could, letting his cock pump his cum into you.

His head fell back as his orgasm coursed through him, wave after wave, until Stephen filled you up to the brim. You felt the slick of your combined arousal leak out of you, dripping down between your ass.

He ground his hips to keep his cum from spilling out completely. He looked up from where you two met, and you reciprocated his exhausted smile. Your eyes were glassy with tears from the intense orgasm that had left your body and thighs shaking. His chest heaved deeply with each intake of breath.

Whilst still inside you, Stephen carefully moved your legs from off the stirrups, placing them down on the tabletop carefully. He got on top of you carefully to hold you for just a moment.

He lifted his head to look at you, sweaty and dishevelled. He leaned down to give you a kiss. You could still taste yourself on his lips, but it didn’t matter.

“We should do this again.” You broke the silence as he pulled his softening cock out of you. You groaned softly, suddenly feeling empty.

“Oh sweetie, give me at least 10 minutes before we start again.” He laid by your side with a deep groan.

“No, I mean in general, old man.” You teased. “I want to do this again sometime.” 

“Come over for dinner tonight, and I can show you more.” his lips curled into a teasing smile.

“Like your baby grand?” He let out a deep laugh. “Only if you promise to play something for me.”

“Fuck me good, and we’ll see.”

“Oh baby, there’s no doubt about that.” He smirked, pulling you into another deep kiss again. A thought popped into your head, and you pushed him back gently.

“By the way, was everything good..you know, down there?” He responded with a light-hearted chuckle to your unexpected inquiry and gave you a kiss on your temple. 

“Yes, you're perfectly healthy.”

[kellykidd]

Baby Severide - Chapter 9: Date Night

*Gif belongs to its rightful owner, it is not mine*

Pairing: Kelly Severide x reader

Summary: You and Kelly go on your first date night after becoming parents

Words: 1569

Warnings: implied smut, doctors, mentions of sex, mention of siblings, hockey

Read on Ao3 here

Notes: So remember how I said chapter 8 was the last of Baby Severide? Well I lied because I love this fic so so so much. Thank you for your support and join the Taglist to be notified when any of my new fics are published!

Join my taglist here

Tags: @district447 @mrspeacem1nusone @tringeorge @storiesofsvu @cfdhouse51 @skullcupcakes @whatismypurpos @carnationworld @youraveragedorkysimp @treehouse-mouse @witchywinchester99 @keabbs @marvelcharactersxreader @pensfan5871 @dhighsstuff

——

"So I'm cleared?" You asked, sitting up on the table.

"Yes Mrs Severide, you may now return to full workouts, sexual activity and carrying more than 20 pounds. Take it slow, if anything is painful or feels out of the ordinary, please give us a call," Dr Calhoun replied, "how does that make you feel? Mentally?"

"Honestly, a little nervous."

"Why?"

"What if something happens?"

"From everything that I have checked, there is no need for concern. If something happens, we're only a call away. If its after hours, head to Med and have them page me. If there's something wrong, and I don’t think there is, but if something happens, we will take care of it. There's no need to worry."

"Okay. So I'm really good to go?"

"Absolutely. My last word of advice because I've been doing this for a while and I now have two of my own, use a good lube or try it in the shower for the first few times. It makes all the difference."

You chuckled, "Thank you Doctor Calhoun, for eveything."

"If you ever decide to have more children or need a GYN, give me a call."

Dr Calhoun left the room and you collected yourself and Alexis to leave your final OB appointment for the foreseeable future. 

After arriving back at your car, you placed Alexis' carseat in the base and called Kelly. 

"Hey, how'd it go?" Kelly eagerly answered your call.

"Good, all cleared and good to go. You home from shift yet?"

"Just leaving 51. Meet you at home?”

"Sounds good, see you soon. Love you."

"Love you too."

—

“Kelly, you here?" You heard rustling in the bedroom.

“Yeah, hold on.”

The rustling continued.

“What are you doing?” You laughed.

“Found it,” he exited your bedroom holding a box. 

He followed you to the couch, a now sleeping baby nestled in the crook of your arm. 

“Whatcha got there?”

“Katie sent us some stuff from New York for Alexis.”

“Katie working today? We should FaceTime her to open it.”

“How long has Alexis been asleep?” 

“Almost an hour. I fed her before my appointment and she slept the whole time.”

“How lucky are we that she’s a damn good sleeper?”

“So lucky.”

He looked at the unopened USPS box on the coffee table.

“So calling Katie?”

“Let’s do it, I’ll see if Alexis wakes up when I pick her up.”

You picked Alexis up as Kelly started the FaceTime call to his sister. Alexis awoke, but was her usual calm self as soon as she opened her eyes.

“Hi Alexis!!” Katie smiled as she answered the FaceTime call.

You took Alexis’ arm in your hand and gave Katie a little wave.

“We wanted to wait to open the package until we were with you, but I guess FaceTime will have to do,” Kelly laughed.

“Actually, let’s wait to do it until I’m there.”

“How long will that be?”

“About 30 seconds,” she giggled, knocking on your apartment door.

Kelly practically ran to open the door and hug her.

“How long has it been?” He chuckled.

“Too long,” she smiled, hugging him back.

You invited Katie in and spent the rest of the day hanging out and catching up, before finally opening the package. It was filled with NYC and Manhattan-related gifts along with a white envelope on the bottom. 

“What’s in there?” You asked, curiously.

“Open it,” she smiled.

“Tickets to the Blackhawks game?” Kelly was giddy, he was so excited.

“They’re for tonight, I’ll babysit. You guys have fun,” Katie grinned.

“Katie, I- I- I don’t know what to say,” you started to tear up.

“Don’t say anything, I’m happy to do it. I’m gonna go check into my hotel and I’ll be back in time for you guys to get to the game.”

—

“Kelly are you ready?” You called into the bedroom while bopping Alexis.

“Yup, I’ll be right there.”

He walked out of the bedroom with his Blackhawks jersey in hand, wearing one of those undershirts you couldn’t help but fall in love with.

“You gonna carry that at the game too?” You giggled.

“Don’t want Alexis to spit up on it. Put it on when we leave,” he laughed, taking your daughter from your arms.

“Katie will be here in like 30 minutes. I gotta curl my hair and do my makeup and get changed.”

“Already found something for you to wear,” he smirked, “it’s on the bed.”

You walked in to the bedroom to find your Jonathan Toews jersey and your favourite pair of jeans on the bed.

"How did you know?" you laughed. 

"What can I say? I know you well, babe."

You changed quickly and fixed up your curls.

"Katie's here," Kelly called.

"Be right there."

Quickly, you threw on some mascara and lip gloss before going to the living room.

"You look good babe," Kelly smiled, handing Alexis off to Katie. 

You leaned over and kissed him, feeling a little more like you wanted to stay in rather than go out. 

"There's, uh, breast milk in the fridge, her schedule is on the counter. Um, Sylvie's number is on the fridge in case there's any, uh, problems," your mind distracted from the kiss, you couldn’t help but giggle.

"We'll be fine. You guys have fun," Katie smiled.

You gave Alexis a hug and a kiss on the cheek, "good night baby, mommy loves you so much."

"Good night Alexis, daddy loves you to the moon and back." 

Watching Kelly love Alexis was something that made you fall in love with him more and more. Having a stable husband with whom you shared a child with was something you dreamt of since high school.

Kelly grabbed his jersey and followed you out the door. 

--

Walking out of the United Center back to Kelly's car, you were exilerated, but exhasted. The Blackhawks had just snapped their 5 game losing streak, and won with a 4-0 shoutout. That was the perfect end to your first night out after becoming parents. 

"How you feeling?" Kelly asked, "you up for Molly's or are you done for the night?"

You stopped at the car, leaning into Kelly for a kiss, "What about something else?" you smiled.

"You up for that? You just got cleared today," he asked, kissing your neck. He knew you wouldn't say anything unless you were ready.

"Bassinet is finally in Alexis' room. Seems like a great time to test things out again."

"You look so good tonight baby, we'll do whatever you want," he smiled as he went back in for another kiss. 

The traffic home was a nightmare, but by the time you got to the apartment, you were ready for anything. 

"We're home," you smiled, opening the apartment door. 

Katie was asleep on the couch, but woke at the sound of your shoes coming through the door.

"How'd it go?" You asked, going to check the baby monitor.

"Been up every 3 hours since you guys left, but she just went down about a half hour ago if you guys want to get some sleep," she yawned, packing up her purse. 

“You need a ride to the hotel?” Kelly asked.

“I have an uber a few minutes away, but thank you.”

“I have another day before I’m back on shift, wanna meet up and do something tomorrow?”

“That sounds great, I’ll text you guys when I’m ready for the day.”

You and Kelly both hugged Katie before seeing her out of the apartment. You watched her get on the elevator and then locked the door behind you as you entered the apartment. 

“Shower or bed?” You laughed, pulling him closer for a kiss by the collar on his jersey.

“Whatever you want baby,” he chuckled, pulling your jersey off, “it’s your night.”

You grabbed Kelly by the hand and led him into the master en suite. The bathroom door clicked shut and Alexis started to cry.

“Shit,” you started to laugh, resting your head on his chest.

“I’ll get her, put her back down. I’ll met you in there in a few.”

Kelly left the bathroom for the nursery and you started the water. Throwing your clothes on the counter, your hand brushed by your scar. Healed up and mostly pain free, it was still a reminder of what had to be done to bring Alexis into the world. You stepped in the shower, wincing at the feel of the water being a tad too cold, and turned the temperature to more suit the steamy theme of the evening. Kelly returned, already having left his jersey in the other room. 

“How’s the baby?” You asked.

“Good, pacifier fell out of her mouth.” He mindlessly undid his jeans and removed the tank covering his chest.  He looked back towards the shower.

“Damn, you’re-“ he was almost breathless. The two of you had been intimate all throughout your pregnancy, but the morning sickness wasn’t as attractive as you naked in the shower. 

“You gonna join me?” You didn’t have to ask twice, he was gonna obey the first time. 

He finished undressing and practically leapt into the shower. With a flick of the wrist, he tipped your chin up to make eye contact with him. Backing you in the shower’s wall, he placed his other hand on the tile for support. He leaned in and the passionate kisses began shortly after. 

[dangerously-human]

Was supposed to go in for a long overdue ultrasound today, something I absolutely hate and it took 6 phone calls plus several rounds of emails to schedule, but of course as soon as I went to leave, discovered that my car battery is dead and the bus would take at least an hour to get there, so I had to cancel. The receptionist was all excited to say they had slots open tomorrow, but I only have a 3-day window to get this done for the questions my doctor wants answered, so it will have to wait till at least next month, if that window happens to fall at a time I can even swing, and I'll have to reschedule my ob-gyn appointment yet again. It's fine, it's fine, I can probably ask one of my friends to come by after work to give me a jump and it's really not that big a deal to have to work myself up to this appointment again, and I only cried a little about it - but it's been one thing after another with health stuff and related logistics lately, and I'm just so tired of it all.

[imrowanartist]

Written with the prompt “We need to talk.”

Set in the Rosie AU

Tags: Established PriceGaz, trans pregnancy, just some fluff

-

After John leaves for his training shift at Credenhill, Kyle tries to lay in bed a while longer.

Tries being the operative word there, since he can already feel the urge to pee again; his little Bee making it known that she’s awake too. He places a hand on his bump and despite his morning grumpiness, he can’t resist a smile as he feels her usual movements.

Just ten more weeks before he’ll get to meet her for real, a thought that both excites and terrifies him.

With a slightly exaggerated groan, Kyle drags himself out of bed to get ready for the day. He promised Laswell he’d go over some intel and he has an appointment with his ob-gyn later in the afternoon too.

Researching intel for Kate is not his favorite job, but it makes him feel useful and he likes being able to contribute to the team, even if he can’t be in the field anymore.

The morning passes by uneventfully, besides a handful of extra pee breaks and one snack craving he can’t resist. The afternoon brings its own challenges.

The weather is slowly getting warmer and the closer it gets to the summer, the less Kyle can hide his growing bump behind coats and sweaters when he goes outside.

It’s not that he’s ashamed - he hasn’t been since he was a teenager and he refuses to be now. He just discovered that he has very little patience for having to explain his situation to random curious strangers.

Today, however, is a typical gloomy spring day, which means he’ll be able to go about the rest of his appointments with relative anonymity.

When Kyle gets home by the end of the afternoon, his limited amount of energy has been spent. He’d planned on unpacking some of the baby stuff they received from Dotty in the nursery, but as he sinks down on the couch, he decides that a nap is in order first.

It’s one of the plus sides of being pregnant, he thinks to himself as he fluffs up a pillow. No one bats an eye when you take a nap at random times a day.

He must sleep longer than he thinks because it’s the sound of a key turning in the lock that wakes him up. Squinting at the clock he notices that it’s indeed about time for John to come home from the base.

He’s still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes when his partner enters the living room and throws his jacket over the armrest of the couch. Kyle blinks at him as he notices John’s stiff movements.

“Hey, “ he greets, sitting up. The what’s on your mind? goes unspoken between them.

John’s body language is tense as he puts down his bag and crosses his arms. “So what did you want to talk about?”

Kyle frowns at him, confused as to what he's referring to. “Eh?” he says, wondering what on earth has John so on edge.

“Your message,” John replies, clearly getting frustrated as he rubs his forehead, “You said we need to talk?”

Kyle grabs his phone and opens his messages. “I don’t remember sending you - oh… aw, bloody hell-“

At the top of his messenger app, he indeed sees that he sent John exactly that. And now that he reads it again, he suddenly remembers why and when.

“Kyle?” John asks, almost nervously.

Kyle sighs, cursing the hormone-induced forgetfulness that most definitely caused this. “I’m so sorry, I was gonna say ‘We need to talk about that registry list mum sent’ but I guess I got distracted.”

It’s been happening a lot lately. He thought Dotty was joking when she said pregnancy brain was a thing, but by now he has discovered that she was dead serious. He looks up at John. “You okay?”

John lets out a relieved chuckle as he sits down next to Kyle on the couch. “Fucking- yeah I’m good. Thought you’d gotten some bad news at the doc or something.”

“Like I would have sent a text like this-“ Kyle snorts, leaning into John. He feels kinda bad for causing his partner distress, but it’s also a little funny.

John turns to him abruptly with a raised eyebrow. “I distinctly remember you texting me the same thing before you told me you were gonna keep her.”

Kyle has to wreck his brain for a moment, but then he remembers what John is referring to with a wince. “…Yeah okay fair,” he says, before leaning towards his partner and kissing him on the cheek. “But no, everything’s good. Me and Bee are right on track.”

John sighs again, but this time Kyle recognizes it as one of relief. It’s sweet how much he worries, making Kyle feel a wave of affection for him.

“Good. That’s good.” John grunts, then asks, “You hungry?”

Realizing it is about dinner time, and that Kyle definitely has no energy to cook anything whatsoever, he nods. “I could go for some food, yeah.”

John already reaches for his phone, giving him a questioning look. “Anything you’re craving?”

Ah, how well his partner has gotten to know Kyle and his particular pregnancy moods by now. He gives John a grin as he leans back onto the couch and puts his feet up on the coffee table.

“Thai, I think,” he hums thoughtfully, putting a hand on his stomach and feeling Bee nudge it as if she agrees. “Yep, definitely Thai.”

[rom-e-o]

You know, I was just considering, Bess' experiences with ob/gyns as a pregnant teen were probably so terrible that, despite her career field and how she encourages women to find and see a regular gyno, she's most likely never gone back to one. No pelvic exams, pap smears, nothing. I assume that might change once the Pack ladies come into her life. Connie or TeTe or Magda will probably have to go and be with her to start.

Ohhh, Bess. ;;

Honestly, that makes sense. The terrifying experiences and discomfort she felt would creep into anyone's bones, and you'd remember it for a lifetime.

It's something she knows is important for health and wellness, and as such, she encourages it for all ladies. Yet, when it comes to her own health and wellness, its a different matter.

In many ways, I think all the Pack ladies bring out the best in each other and inspire each other to truly take care of themselves. I can see one of them maybe talking about an appointment that's coming up, and perhaps Bess very softly admits that she has ... not been. "Oh. Since coming to London, you mean?" "..."

"...Oh." So, after that, when Bess has an appointment, I can absolutely see one of the ladies going with her. Magda or TeTe are both mothers, and both have daughters. They've been through this before, and possess and calmness and and nurturing energy. TeTe is soothing, and Magda is honest.

Magda: Now, have you ever had a pap smear before? ... I know you know what it is, but have you ever had one? I won't mince words, dear, it's uncomfortable. Which is why you're going to get numbed up, and while the lovely doctor works, you are going to talk to me about your next concert ideas. Playlists, costumes, everything, spare NO detail! Oh, here's my hand. Squeeze it hard. You won't break these bones. They're solid steel.

TeTe: If you don't want to do this today, dear Bess, we can reschedule ... but only once. I'm afraid I care for you too much to allow you to put it off any longer. It will be even more important as you get older, darling. Now, take my hand. Look right at me. And remember that you are here, in the present. Safe. And you're in good hands, my love.

And Connie. <3 She'd just make sure to routinely remind Bess that she is safe, and that nobody in that room is going to hurt her.

Connie: Would you like me seated near your head, or more in the corner for more privacy? ... Near your head? Of course! I was actually hoping you'd say that. I always felt better at these appointments when I had someone to talk to. Even though these appointments are routine, they still feel a tad awkward. I mean, I'm almost 40, and I'm still not quite used to a stranger looking down there. Haha, did I ever tell you about my first exam? I was so nervous that I put my gown on backwards! And I nearly tripped getting out of the stirrups. I swear, the witness bruised a rib trying to not laugh! You're handling this with much more grace than I did. ... Okay, she's starting. Now, it will feel weird, but it's normal for it to feel weird, if that makes sense. It it feels too weird, speak up, okay? Just squeeze my hand, and after this, we're going to get crepes and manicures. My treat.

All the ladies have tissues in their bags, of course.

[annaphoenix1994]

By Your Grace

Previous Chapter - Masterlist - Next Chapter

»»-------¤-------««

"Love, you should go to the doctor. Those cramps have gotten worse." Simon warned, frowning as he watched her spit used toothpaste into the sink, her complexion nearly ill. 

"I guess you didn't overhear me make my appointment yesterday," She breathed a chuckle. "I think my IUD moved. I couldn't feel the strings." 

"I don't know what that is?" He shrugged. 

"It's the thing that keeps a miniature you coming out of me." She scoffed playfully, glancing at him through the mirror as his cheeks flushed with what seemed like embarrassment when in reality it was excitement. He pictured the perfect combination of her with him compressed into a child, the thought making him eager to experience, although if he were to be honest, the thought of bringing a child of his own into the world was a new terror that he was worried to experience. If my own nephew can be taken from me by my enemies, I don't want to imagine what would happen if my enemies knew I had a child of my own, he frowned. 

"Oh. You said you thought it moved? I'd rather ask you before I Googled it." He chuckled.

"Yeah. Guess we can't be having rough sex for a while." 

"Can't help myself." 

"You'll have to if my OB/GYN tells me that's the reason why it moved, babe." 

She watched him blush, hiding a grin when he looked down to his lap, his eyes fluttering shut as he wasn't the best morning person. Why can't you make appointments in the afternoon? He huffed. Sliding on her sweatpants, a loose t-shirt and tossing a pair of Hey Dudes on the floor next to the bed, she sat next to Simon on the bed and swept back his hair with her fingers, "Watch me find out I'm pregnant." She joked. 

"Christ," He mumbled, keeping his eyes closed as he enjoyed her touch. "That's the last thing I need is another me running around."

"Hush, you're not that bad," She teased. "Might be a girl. Then you'll really be in trouble." 

"Don't remind me. Especially at the same time," He chuckled, his expression showing her that he didn't seem worried if she were to be pregnant at some point, seeming to be rather relaxed at the thought of being a father - a better father than his own. "Your father would kill me." 

"Nah. He's been wanting grandchildren." 

"Yeah, he would. I wouldn't blame him. I'd kill my son if he knocked up his girlfriend after a few months." He scoffed. 

"You're overthinking, babe," She assured him. "My IUD has done this before when I first got it. The pain is as familiar as before." 

"I still don't know what exactly that is, but I'll take your word for it." 

"I'm sure you'll still Google it after I leave." 

"Probably." 

"Don't forget that we have to take the guys to the airport. Unfortunately, they're going back home today." She reminded him, frowning at him as he sighed at her reminder. 

"I know." 

"They have to be there by three. I'll follow you all there so that you don't have to hitch a ride back to the ranch." She teased.

"Okay, love." 

She continued to comb through his hair for a few more minutes before she glanced at the clock, "Shit, I'm going to be late." 

"Yeah, best get there and reassure me that it's nothing major. I'll be worrying about it the entire time you're gone." He sighed. 

She giggled, "You're worrying over nothing, babe. I'll be back in a couple of hours. Surely you can do your research on your curiosity to pass the time away." 

"Two hours is a long time to wonder." He sighed, opening his eyes to look up at her after the feeling of her fingers in his hair disappeared. 

"It'll be alright. I'll text you when I'm on my way back." 

He nodded, feeling her lean down to press a kiss to his lips and mumbled "I love you" before retreating, Simon telling her that he loved her back as he watched her walk through the bedroom door, grabbing her purse from the couch and keys from the hook. He sighed, laying his head back on the pillow to battle the early-morning exhaustion and setting an alarm on his phone to wake him in two hours as his eyelids were too heavy to think about anything else except the thought of her coming home with unplanned news. 

He wanted a baby, but he also wanted to know that he didn't have to worry about the thought of an enemy crossing the boundary like before, the thought of Kiera and his own child taken from him making his teeth grind. Seeing Fernando being taken from Alejandro was bad enough, losing my nephew was worse, but losing my own child and the only woman I've ever loved? I don't even want to know what that feels like.

»»-------¤-------««

"Ms. Dutton?" The nurse smiled as she opened the door that led to the private examination rooms of the women's clinic. 

Kiera smiled, standing to her feet as she greeted the nurse, following her to get her blood pressure and weight recorded before going to see her OB/GYN who was also a fellow friend from high school and trusted OB. "Alright, blood pressure is normal. Weight is normal," The nurse hummed as she wrote her data on Kiera's chart. Shit, I need to stop letting Simon make dinner, she cursed to herself, punishing herself for eating more while in a relationship, knowing Simon never let her eat just a sandwich to compare to a full meal. Why is it that he can eat twice as much and lose weight, but I eat the same and gain?

"I see here that you're concerned that your IUD may have moved?" 

"Yes, ma'am." 

"How long has it been since you had it put in?" 

"About six months. I got it put in a couple of months before I went on a deployment. Can't stand the thought of having a period while in the middle of a desert." She chuckled, her anxiety causing her to babble on instead of giving a simple answer. 

The nurse giggled along with her, "I understand. Thank you for your service." 

"Oh, I-I'm not a soldier," She corrected. "I work with the military, but I'm not, you know," She huffed. "I can't really say." 

"That's okay. You still went in the line of fire. Most people wouldn't even do that even if you're not a service member." She assured her, taking notice of her secretive job, but refusing to pry. 

"Yeah." Kiera nodded, looking to her lap as the nurse walked away with a completed chart in her hand, disappearing into the examination room with Rachel - Kiera's OB. 

"Are you here to cause me trouble again with that cervix of yours?" Rachel teased her dear friend, greeting her with a warm smile and friendly hug. "How are you? Are you in one piece? Let me look at you." 

"As far as I know," She chuckled. "I'm not quite the same, though." She continued, pulling the fabric of her loose shirt over her shoulder to show Rachel her healing scars, watching her gasp as she pulled back to look closer, recognizing the scar on her cheekbone and horrid scars on her shoulder from the blast, knowing that wasn't even the worst of it. 

"Oh, Lord!" Rachel gasped. "What happened?" 

"A damn grenade in Chicago." 

"Oh my God, I heard about that. I had no idea that was you. Wasn't it you and some Marines?"

"Yeah, Marines and members of the team I was assigned to work with." 

"Is- Everyone okay?" 

"Can't say the same about our opposed, but yes." 

She knew better than to openly talk about her experience with combat, but she trusted Rachel enough to be able to rant to her as Simon had been the only one she had talked to about it as well as her own father, but something about being comfortable enough with a best friend was more comforting than a father's advice. 

"I'm glad. I'm sure this is the least of your worries right now." 

"I hope so," Kiera sighed, following Rachel into the room and retrieving the medical robe from her before changing out of her clothes behind the privacy curtain. "I remember when it moved last time. Hurt so fuckin' bad." 

"Mine did that, too," Rachel said from the other side of the curtain, fumbling with her equipment while she waited on Kiera to return. "Cramping, spotting, some bloating, the whole nine yards. I'll see if I can find the string and I can take it out for you." 

"Oh, I need some type of birth control." 

"Why's that, Kiera? You find you a cute soldier instead of fighting off terrorists?" She teased. 

"Yes, actually, and fought off a terrorist." She corrected, appearing from behind the curtain. 

"Is that so? What's his name?" 

"I'm afraid you'll take a liking to him like you did my last boyfriend. I think I'll keep him a secret." 

"Oh, shut up!" Rachel laughed. "You know I won't mess with your man. Well, not in front of you, anyway." She teased. 

"I figured, you slut," She laughed. "His name is Simon." 

"And is he a fling or here for the long run?" She asked, happiness for her friend gleaming in her eyes. You deserve such a good man, Kiera. You've been through so much.

"I think I've found the one, honestly. He's so good to me. Better than what I deserve." 

"Shut up, girl. You deserve a good man. That last one was a piece of shit, and I'm really surprised you didn't feed him to the wolves." 

"I was different back then. I was too dumb." 

"Nothing's changed," Rachel teased. "You got a picture of this Simon?" 

"I do, actually. I mainly sneak pictures of him because he doesn't like how he looks, but he doesn't see what I see." She replied, reaching for her phone to show Rachel her wallpaper: a photo of her and Simon in front of the Christmas tree in her parent's lodge. He was never much of a smiling type when it came to photos, but thanks to her father, he couldn't help but smile at the stupid joke, unaware that Kiera had told her father to tell him a stupid joke when she asked her mother to take the photo of them, knowing his natural smile was so beautiful, his white and straight teeth complimenting his natural tan-like complexion. 

"Oh, wow! He's handsome, Kiera!" Rachel gasped, slipping on a pair of latex gloves after washing her hands, her heart swelling for how happy Kiera looked in the photo, not able to remember a time where Kiera actually looked happy. "And he's tall, too! Almost can't see the tree behind him. You caught yourself a good one, girl." 

"Thank you." 

"Where's he from?" 

"Manchester." 

"And he's British? You'll have to let me meet him one day!" 

"Not if you keep swooning." 

"I'm not swooning," Rachel giggled. "You keep forgetting I'm married, huh?" 

"Mhm. Does Brandon know you're this much of a slut for your friend's boyfriend?" She teased, the pair laughing to ease the nervous tension Kiera held as she knew the procedure was about to be painful. 

"Totally," She rolled her eyes playfully. "What happened to your legs, girl?" She asked, furrowing her brows as she looked at the healing grafts. 

"From that explosion. Had third degree burns and they had to take grafts from my thighs for my back. I'll show you before I leave." 

"You don't have to if you're uncomfortable." 

"Rachel, you're staring at my fucking twat. I'm sure looking at scars on my back is less intimidating." 

"True," Rachel shrugged. "It's a job. You become numb to it after a while. Although I must say I'd rather look at yours than anyone else's." 

"Of course you would. Lesbian." 

Rachel giggled, turning on the lamp to give her a better view of her work, placing lubricant on her speculum before proceeding after Kiera's consent. After a few moments of minor discomfort, Rachel's head peered up to look at her. "Okay, I can't see your strings, so I'm going to have to use something to try and find it. It definitely moved. Hopefully it hasn't imbedded itself." 

"Fuck, I hope not." 

"Me either. I'd hate to have to dig into your cervix more than I'll have to," She sighed, taking a cytobrush from the nearby table to continue the search for the IUD string. 

"What usually causes one to move?" Kiera asked, breaking the silence. 

"Can be a number of things. Considering you have a boyfriend now, I'd say he's to blame for this one." She giggled, teasing her.

"I'm not surprised." Kiera scoffed, opening her phone to text Simon the good news.

She knew Simon went back to sleep judging by how heavy his eyes were when she left that morning, but knew he'd appreciate the semi-good news to look at for when he got up. 

"I'm just kidding. Considering your line of work, it can be anything. Once I find it, I'll do an ultrasound on you to make sure it didn't imbed itself and I'll remove it and put in a new one." 

"Sounds good." 

"Have you been bleeding any aside from cramps?" 

"Occasionally. It's almost like spotting. It did this last time." 

"Okay." Rachel nodded as she continued her search for the string of the IUD, having to use a different method that was a little more uncomfortable but more reliable. "Found it. Take a few deep breaths. When I count to three, I'll take it out, okay?" 

Kiera nodded. 

With a wince, Kiera shut her eyes at the stinging pain as the IUD was removed, dreading the moment a new one would be put back in as the insertion pain was far worse than the removal. 

"I'm going to do an ultrasound real quick before I put in a new one. I need to make sure you don't have any damage to your uterus." She explained, preparing her machine as she placed a delicate dollop of gel on Kiera's stomach, Kiera wincing at the sudden chill. 

She pressed the probe to her abdomen, swirling a few times each way as Kiera watched her study the screen before deciding to fumble on her phone to distract herself of the discomfort. "Well, this is interesting." 

"What?" 

"I think I found the reason why you've been having your cramps." 

"Don't tell me it's a cyst on my ovary." 

"Can't find those with this type of ultrasound, dummy," Rachel poked, pointing to her screen. "You've got a little blip here." She finished, the corners of her mouth curling into a smile. You're going to be such a good mom, Kiera.

"A... baby?" 

Rachel nodded, "I'm glad you came to me today, but we need to keep an eye on you for a while. With you having an IUD and managing to get pregnant, you're at risk for an ectopic pregnancy." 

She heaved a heavy breath, her nerves rattling and her brain seeming to go in a spiral. He's going to leave me. He's going to leave me. "Wh-What's that?" 

"It's when the egg grows on the fallopian tube instead of your uterus. I'd say you're at about four weeks right now. I'll take a blood test from you today and have you come back after forty-eight hours to take another one. I need to keep an eye on your HCG levels. I'll do a vaginal ultrasound today too to make sure the gestational sac is in your uterus. If it is, then I'll have you come back in two weeks to check on it again." She explained, taking notice of Kiera's worry as she sat her phone aside and laid her head back on the bed, regulating her breathing at the news. 

"O-Okay." 

"You're worried he's going to leave, aren't you?" 

"Wouldn't be surprised. He doesn't take sudden news very well. He'll likely shut down and disappear for a while and leave me to wonder what he's thinking about." 

"He'll come back to you if he does that. All men are the same: they don't like talking about something that shocks them, so they shut down and give themselves space to think about it whereas us women want to talk about it now instead of later." 

"Fucking right." She sighed. 

"It'll be alright. I'm sure he's not going anywhere." 

"I hope not." 

»»-------¤-------««

With a folder of information in the passenger seat of her truck, she found herself resting her left hand on her stomach as she drove, curious about the life growing inside of her. Not only was this big news, but she had a decision to make that couldn't be taken lightly... 

She had to leave Shepherd alone. 

After a stressful cry, she pulled into the driveway of the ranch, slowly driving along the gravel to avoid harsh bumps to protect the life inside of her, everything seeming to come naturally to her as a newly expecting mother. Parking at the house, she looked out the passenger window at a group of riders trotting through the pasture, Teeter's head of purple hair indicating that the 141 was going on a final trail ride before their flight home, reminiscing on how they'd miss being there aside from the drama of Fernando being taken. All because of me, she frowned. 

Entering the house, she expected Simon to be among the group of riders, leaving her to cry in the emptiness of her own home, unaware that Simon was still in bed, the alarm on his phone bursting throughout the house. She walked into the bedroom to see him sleeping soundly, turned onto his stomach as his back embraced the cool air from the ceiling fan. Instead of waking him to let him aware of her return, she opened his phone to turn off his alarm, swiping up to clear out his previous apps to save the battery as he was notorious for not charging it. 

With her intrusive thoughts taking over, she inconspicuously tapped on his message app, seeing a recent text from an unmet friend of his - Sergeant Ben Baker.

She smiled down at the phone, her chest fluttering at his words although she was expecting, out of past relationship experience, that he was talking about another woman, leaving her to, again, be the one that wasn't good enough.

Smiling, she cleared out the message's app, unsurprised that he had only been texting Ben, her, and Soap. Well, technically a group chat that was made for the members of the 141, leaving Soap and Gaz the only two that communicated through it, Simon occasionally replying a one-worded answer every now and then. She couldn't help but mask a giggle as he had, in fact, been Googling what an IUD was, his safari app on a website that explained in depth as to what it was. Shaking her head, she forced herself to quit invading his privacy as she sat his phone down, deciding to let him sleep even though she wanted nothing more than to nestle up against him, knowing she'd cry when he'd instinctively wrap his arm around her abdomen, afraid he'd take notice of a pending bump before she even had the chance to tell him. 

She quietly shut the door behind her, leaving Simon to rest in his truly relaxed state as she proceeded to lay on the couch, turning on the television to distract her thoughts of the sudden news, unable to keep herself from shedding tears again at the fear of him leaving her for being pregnant. How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my parents? 

»»-------¤-------««

A few hours later, she awoke to the smell of Simon's lingering cologne, indicating that he was up and nearby, Kiera suddenly remembering that he was going to ride with his teammates on the way back to the airport. "Funny how you'll sleep through a storm, but wake up when I'm trying to be quiet when walking around." He chuckled after noticing she had woken up, smirking at her messy hair and smeared mascara. It didn't take him long to realize she had been crying, but he didn't ask why. 

Not yet. 

"It's crazy, but I smelled you." She huffed. 

"So you're a bloodhound now, yeah?" 

"I guess so. Is it the afternoon already?" 

"Yeah," He nodded, pouring himself a cup of water before pouring a glass for her, meeting her at the couch to sit next to her, patting his lap for her to stretch her legs across him so he could rub her legs - something he found to enjoy. "We've still got a couple of hours before we have to go. Teeter told me she was going to take them out for a ride before they left." 

"I saw them riding out when I got back this morning. Knowing Teeter, her and Soap veered off to have one last time together for a while." 

The pair chuckled. 

"You're probably right," He nodded, ensuring to look at her as she drank her water, taking the opportunity to really look at her to confirm his suspicions that she had been crying. He already knew - he was just mentally preparing himself for her to confirm it. "What did the doctor say?" 

"She took my IUD out. It was moved." 

"Guess I'll have to take it easy on you from now on." He smirked. 

"Yeah, because it hurt when she took it out and especially when she-" She cut herself off, knowing that Rachel didn't put a new one in, in confirmation that it would nearly terminate her pregnancy. She knew to cut herself off instead of saying that a new one was put in, knowing that Simon was more likely to understand the news of her pregnancy than to hear a lie. "-Had to find it." 

"I would've gone with you if you wanted me to." 

No, I didn't. Especially with how I'm expecting you to react.

"It's okay. I wouldn't have wanted you to see me like that." 

"Do you have to go back?" 

"In a couple of days. You can go with me if you want. The appointment is in the afternoon." She winked, fighting the deep sigh as she expected him to not be around after she told him the news. 

"If you want me to," He assured her, massaging his heavy fingers against her semi-swollen ankles. "What's wrong?" 

She shook her head, "I've just been thinking." 

"Don't think too hard. Your head will explode," He poked, he too fighting a deep sigh as he wondered when she was going to tell him, taking notice of how hard it was for her to keep it a secret in fear of him leaving her. "What're you thinking about?" 

Her hands fumbled in her lap, looking down at her thumbs before she spoke, "After we find Shepherd, I think I'm going to resign as a Case Officer. I can't handle the thought of my family having to go through something like this again. The pain it caused my friends, my mother, the fights between me and Frankie, the constant worry, and the disappointment from my father. I can't handle that thought anymore, Simon." 

"You're not disappointing your father," He corrected, frowning at her worry. "You've had it handled since day one, love. You're very good at your job-"

"Maybe so, but I can't put my family in the line of fire anymore. This job has caused me more harm than good. You know that. This ranch is supposed to be a safe haven - somewhere we can all gather without having to worry about someone killing our cattle and taking our friend's son to hurt me. And I'm especially not putting my child in the mix of it all." She babbled, not realizing she had just unwillingly admitted what was bothering her while her mixed emotions took over, frowning as she felt Simon's hands stop massaging her ankles, letting himself fall into shock at what she had just said. 

He's going to leave. He's going to leave. 

"Are you fucking with me?" He asked, referring to their brief exchange of jokes earlier that morning. 

"I wish I was," She kept her eyes down, forcing the tears back as she was too scared to face him, expecting him to throw her legs off of his lap and retreat immediately as if she were comparing him to her abusive and former boyfriend. "I should've kept track of my IUD, but I didn't think nothing of it as it was pretty fucking hard to keep up with six months while deployed-" She babbled. 

His chest rose and fell heavily, containing his excitement as her emotions and his weren't twining together like they usually did. He sensed she was worried about something far more than just being pregnant and so was he, but there seemed to be something else that she wasn't telling him. "How far along are you?" 

"Sh-She said about four weeks," She sniffled, keeping her gaze at her lap and occasionally peering to her stomach, wondering what it was going to look like in a few weeks as this was her first time ever carrying a child. "I'm so scared, Simon." 

"Yeah," He scoffed. "Join the club." 

Fuck, that came out wrong, he grimaced to himself, shutting his eyes as he expected her to take it the wrong way, frowning at how she slowly pulled her legs from his lap, tears falling as she saw exactly what she expected: Simon let her. When usually, he would always pull her back to him when she would retreat. She needs her space. Maybe so do I...

She got up from the couch, rushing to their bedroom and wiping the tears from her eyes, leaving Simon in the couch to replay the wave of shock that he was conquering. She lay on their bed, pulling the pillow he had been laying on to comfort herself with the lingering scent he left behind, cherishing it as she expected him to get on the plane with the only family that he knew. Her tears stained the pillow, clutching it close as she whimpered, letting her phone play music from a playlist she was sure to make her cry. Just get it all out. Let your heart break before he does it for you. She squeezed her eyes shut as Zach Bryan's "Something in the Orange" started on her playlist, forcing the tears from her eyes as she assumed that's how her life was going to take charge after expecting Simon to retreat himself from her completely. 

♪If you leave today, I'll just stare at the way the orange touches all things around; the grass, trees and dew, how I just hate you, please turn those headlights around...♪

Simon took advantage of the vape pen she left behind on the counter, taking a few long drags to help ease his nerves. He shook his head at himself for how harsh he sounded, but truly, he felt ten feet tall and bulletproof. His time to be a father - a better father than his own - had finally come. The emotions took over him as he found himself to push his palms against the counter, looking down at the granite as if he saw something in it, but he was just thinking about her words and how to handle it. 

Over and over again. 

He gave himself a few minutes to himself, taking consecutive drags from the vape pen as he knew Kiera wouldn't be needing it anymore, the familiar high he felt in his head taking away some of his nervous thoughts, thankful that he successfully fought the urge to want to open a pack of cigarettes instead of a fruity nicotine flavor, thankful that he found the strength within himself to not resort to old habits because of his nerves. 

Soon, he put aside his worrisome thoughts and found himself making his way to their bedroom, opening the door quietly to see Kiera curled up on the bed, frowning at how she clutched to his pillow as if she were mourning his loss. Her mascara left a dark trail on her cheeks while her gaze was fixated on nothing particular, whimpering as she took notice of his presence. "I'm sorry I took away your freedom," She sniffled over the low tone of her phone's speaker playing what seemed to be like a slow genre playlist, the upsetting tunes vowing to make her cry more than she already was. "Didn't even give you a chance to enjoy a relationship because I'm too stupid to check my birth control." 

Stop blaming yourself, love, he huffed. "No, you didn't," He replied, his voice low and absent of any anger or retaliation. "But that doesn't mean I'm wanting to leave it behind." 

He waited for her to look at him. Instead, he watched her close her eyes and her face curl into another sob. He didn't think it would bother him as much to see her cry, coming rather used to it after her sudden nightmares, but the way she cried in front of him now - it physically pained him. I'm not giving you your space anymore. You need me.

"I took your freedom away from you, Simon," She sniffled. "Instead of you worrying about what fight you're going to get into next, you'll have to worry about this baby-"

"Stop," He cut her off, moving to sit on the foot of the bed, still staying distant as he felt she needed her space, but was there just in case she wanted to cling to him. "I'd rather worry about you." 

"So you're telling me if Price were to call you right now and say that he needs you for a mission, you wouldn't go?" She scoffed. 

"No, I wouldn't," He huffed, his voice rising slightly to grasp her attention, but not negatively, but assuring. "Choices have consequences. Even if you made me go back, I wouldn't. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to you when I couldn't be here to prevent it from happening." 

"You-You wouldn't?" 

"No. Before I met you, I would. I didn't have anybody at home waiting for me," He frowned, looking down at the floor as his hands were twined with each other, the sight of her in distress making him ill in the stomach. It's because of how you reacted, you idiot, he scoffed to himself. "Can I replace that pillow?" He asked, his dark irises looking at her hazel ones. 

"Please." She whimpered, taking the pillow and throwing it to the floor in an aggressive manner, causing him to chuckle as he found it humorous, bending down to pick it up and tossing it to the other many pillows decorating their bed. 

"That's my favorite pillow," He poked as he lowered himself onto the bed, opening his arm to her as she instinctively nestled up against him, his arm keeping her close to his torso, smirking slightly as he was growing eager to hear her complain about how she couldn't sleep up against him with her belly stopping her after a few months, the image of her carrying his child consuming him with immense pride. "You'll be shocked to hear this, but I'm scared, too." 

"Really?" 

He nodded, his cheek pressed against her forehead.

"Never thought I'd hear you say that you're scared," She sighed. "Why? I mean, you can do what some men do: they leave because they don't want to deal with." 

"That's where you have me confused, love. Those aren't men. Can't even face something they willingly caused and leave the other to deal with their problems. Leaving isn't in my vocabulary, priority is. Maybe when I was younger, I would've reacted differently, but not now." 

"You... You're not mad?" 

"Why would I be?" He scoffed. "Scared, yeah, but you're not going through this alone. I don't know why you think you are. I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to." 

"I don't know. I just... expected you to-"

"-to react like what you've probably experienced before. You've got me wrong." 

"I'm sorry..." 

"Don't be sorry. I'm not going anywhere." He whispered, assuring her by pressing a kiss to her forehead, feeling her sigh and relax her body against his - something he had been waiting for her to do. 

"How am I going to tell my dad?" 

"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Don't rush yourself to babble it out like you did with me. We've got plenty of time. Just focus on keeping yourself relaxed." 

"Easier said than done, Simon." 

"I agree," He sighed, his gaze focusing on the ceiling above him, wondering how he was going to tell her the true reason why he was scared. It's not the right time... "I'll wake you up when we have to leave." 

"I'm not falling asleep." 

"Your mouth is saying that, but your body is telling me something different." 

"How so?" 

"You're relaxed. You never get up when you're relaxed." He breathed a chuckle, feeling her nuzzle her face into his chest grasping his shirt between her fingers as if she were begging him to not ever leave. I'm not going anywhere.

He stared up at the ceiling, focusing on the vague background noise coming from her phone, feeling her steady breaths against him while he held her, the music distracting him from his intrusive and past thoughts as he was grateful that he changed himself, knowing he wouldn't have even had a chance with Kiera if he was the way he was years ago. If you only knew... 

"Hey," He whispered, nudging her gently as she was teetering on the verge of sleep, feeling her hum in response. "You know I'm not good with words." 

"I know." 

"Just listen." He whispered, referring to the song that was playing from her playlist that kept playing soft tunes throughout the quiet room, the first verse immediately making himself think about his past life, the lyrics seeming to say exactly what he had been wanting to say to her. 

♪By your grace I have hope; You've already paid every debt I owe; Please take my chains and make me see that by your grace I've been set free...♪

[clone-anon]

I wonder if I might make a special request for a dear friend of mine? Would you mind a reader x Tech fic where, after years of trying, reader ends up pregnant with twins? She's just got the news today, so there's still loads of excitement and terror, but this would be such a fun surprise - if you feel so inclined 😉

All the love for you and the amazing gifts you create!

*cracks knuckles* Here we go.

Warning: talk of an ob/gyn appointment (no details, just implied ultrasound), pregnancy, twin pregnancy

The positive pregnancy test was wild enough. After trying for so long, you finally got pregnant. That news was huge in itself. Tech was not going to miss the doctor's appointment. He held your hand the entire time and asked questions, but felt you were both as prepared as you could be for what was to come. That was, until, you were told that you were actually carrying twins.

"Twins?!" Your face lit up as worry flooded your chest. The fact that Tech was silent didn't help. Still holding your hand, he reached behind himself to pull up a chair and sat down. Whatever else was said seemed to go over both of you, but everything seemed fine so far. You were alone in the room with him and moved to get up, get changed, and head out the door. Tech silently helped.

"Tech?"

"Yes, darling?"

"Are you going to be okay?"

"Twins," he said quietly. "So there are two of them."

"Yes, Tech. That's what it means to have twins."

"Of course," he replied, trying to shake the shock away. You could see the gears in his head starting to turn again. As you walked home, he held your hand and had his other around your waist, almost like he needed you near him more securely. Each passing moment brought him back to life with all of the tasks he needed to do for your growing family and now doubly so.

"It's okay," you said, sensing him on the brink of overwhelm and turning to him as you reached your front door and walked inside. "They aren't coming twice as fast. We still have time to wrap our heads around this and get ready."

You held his face and he nodded once and smiled. "I will do everything within my power to make sure you and our babies get the best care."

"I know you will." You were overwhelmed with the feeling of finally becoming parents, excited and happy, but also mildly terrified. He pulled you into his arms and kissed your temple.

You had barely settled on the couch and he brought his datapad out, already researching how a twin pregnancy and delivery might differ and wanting to make sure you could both be prepared. He felt his protective instincts growing faster than he expected, but would channel them into supporting you. You knew he would be a fantastic father and would always remind him of that. While it was still too much to talk about all the changes that were happening at once, there was some solace in listening to what he was reading and discussing a few things. You would both have to let the news soak further into your consciousness. Later, he put the datapad aside and sat with you, holding you to his chest and rubbing your back, simply happy to be with you. All of you.

[coolbugs-baby-blog]

week 6

6+0 feb 14 - ultrasound 1: this marks the beginning of week 6, and is also the date of my first ultrasound (see the previous post for more details). the relief i experienced was immense! unsurprisingly, due to having the ultrasound, there was some additional blood at the end of the day. but, it was still brown, meaning i wasn't freshly bleeding.

6+1 feb 15: i went about my normal routine today, but unfortunately i experienced more bleeding, similar to the previous days. this had me feeling quite worried again, though i wondered if it was at least in part due to all the walking i do. when i got home from Mass, i still had some routine house cleaning to finish up, but after that i was able to rest, which was very nice. my husband's friend came for a visit, and he helped us install our kitchen sink drain. that was so kind of him! we didn't want to tell him about the baby yet (just in case something bad happens during the first trimester or so), but my husband accidentally pulled up our chat where i'd posted a picture of the ultrasound. beans = spilled. but, it's all good, and it was actually very nice to discuss things with his friend :)

i felt some mild nausea all day, but nothing bothersome. my appetite was fairly low. the bleeding in the afternoon was, thankfully, much lighter, but nonetheless persistent.

6+2 feb 16: normally, we go to one of the nearby monasteries for sunday Mass, though either one involves quite a bit of walking. today, we opted to go to the diocesan church a few minutes' walk from our house in order to minimize the amount of movement i'd have to do. it was actually quite a lovely Mass, and i also was grateful to get some extra rest. i did have a little more light bleeding, and also passed a few clots, but it didn't seem worrisome.

6+3 feb 17 - ultrasound 2: once again, i noticed a few small clots in the morning, but otherwise the blood was minimal (and still brown/old). i was feeling well, and i wanted to go to daily Mass at a monastery, which is my usual routine, as well as get a few groceries. i went out early in the morning. everything was fine until i was walking to the bus stop after Mass - i felt a bit of bleeding occurring. i brushed it off and went to the store. however, shortly after i got home, i felt more blood, and when i checked, it was dark red with a fresher appearance...

of note, i wasn't having significant cramping (maybe 1-2 out of 10 on and off), although i did have some lower back soreness.

i told my husband right away (he works from home), and in his kindness, he stopped everything he was doing and quickly called our ob/gyn. unfortunately, since the doctor's office is so small, it's fairly common for calls to go unanswered. we called a few other places, and one recommended to just go to our ob/gyn's office without an appointment. since it was nearing lunchtime, i opted to lay down to de-stress, which certainly felt very nice. honestly, i just wanted to lay there for the rest of the day because i was so tired and so afraid to go to the clinic…

after my nap, my husband graciously took off work to come with me to visit the doctor. after a short wait, he was able to perform another exam. by God's grace, the gestational and yolk sacs were still there, mostly unchanged, perhaps a little bigger, with no deformities/abnormalities or signs of bleeding. overall, it looked normal. my cervix was also closed and normal looking. my relief was immense!

however, the doctor was unable to find the source of the bleeding; therefore, he prescribed supplemental progesterone, 100mg, as well as magnesium. i pray that the bleeding will stop soon.

6+4 feb 18: i stayed in today. i even slept in! it was great to have some nicely relaxing cuddling with my husband :D i was worried i'd bleed some more, but to my relief, there was only a small amount of coffee-ground like stuff in the morning.

regarding progesterone supplements, there doesn't seem to be a lot of clinical study evidence to suggest they make a substantial difference regarding MC, especially not for mothers without a history of it. although some early studies may have suggested the potential for fetal abnormalities to arise, more recent studies seem to show no effect on the baby. i'm on a low dose of progesterone (not another kind of progestin), only 100mg, but it's administered more "directly" so to speak. during some of my cycles prior to conception, i occasionally had yellow or dark spotting right after ovulation, so i'm slightly worried i could have low progesterone in general, especially since i'm underweight for my comfort. regardless, i'm all the more grateful to be on this medication, even if it doesn't do much to help.

that being said, if an embryo simply isn't viable, then it will perish naturally because it's unable to grow, and the mother will MC as an unfortunate but necessary outcome. since we could still see a normal sac etc. on yesterday's ultrasound, we remain hopeful.

6+5 feb 19: i ventured out today for my typical routine. i still had a small amount of spotting; i wonder if it was from all the walking, or something else. i think i'll try to take it easy tomorrow with less movement and more rest.

otherwise, i felt very tired this morning which prompted an early afternoon nap. i haven't had much cramping or other discomfort at all the last few days, although my appetite is still low. i've also noticed that more of my "typical" foods have become quite unappealing.

6+6 feb 20: and now we embark upon the final day of week 6. i think from now on i'll just write out any concerns or symptoms unless something special happens on a given day.

concerns: still had a very small amount of spotting. symptoms: very mild cramps a few times (1/10). mild fatigue (4/10). moderately low appetite (5/10). low nausea (2/10). digestive issues (3/10). notes: i went to church and thus walked about 30 minutes total. i went right home afterward. it's very hard to focus on studying. i eventually took a 1.5 hour nap.

[weezly14]

so i used to use this more as a blog where i talked about my life and my feelings and there's been both a lot and nothing happening in my life lately but i sure do have feelings! so i'm gonna write it down and send vibes into the universe because why not. what else do i have to do today?

i've been a little MIA in terms of working on my fics. i've barely written. first it was a rough fucking winter; then summer kicked my ass just as bad. i hate summer.

"but why has it been rough?"

well, because i'm not fucking pregnant yet.

we've been trying for a baby (i hate this phrase) for ten months? ish? and nothing has happened. in school they made it sound like you skip protection once and you'll get knocked up; my mom got accidentally pregnant twice. and here i am, charting dates and peeing on ovulation predictor sticks and tracking symptoms and the whole nine yards, timing sex and taking fucking prenatals and vitamins and not eating sushi or steak during the two week wait and not drinking at all, and all i've gotten to show for it is my fucking period, every month like clockwork.

the studies say, it can take up to a year. yes, most couples get pregnant within six months, but sometimes it takes longer. sure, fine, whatever.

so it's been hard enough trying to get pregnant and then failing (because it does feel like failing, every time), but then two things happened in quick succession:

my best friend got pregnant, sort of accidentally;

i got sent for bloodwork and the results caused my doctor to refer me straight to a fertility clinic.

when i saw the results i cried, but i thought i was just spiraling and being over dramatic. sure, my AMH is really low, but it's technically still in range, and that's not everything, right? my other tests were mostly fine, not totally out of the normal range. then i called my doctor's office, only to be told "we're referring you to a clinic, your ob/gyn doesn't think you'll get pregnant without treatment."

it's a hell of a thing to be told while standing in the pasta aisle of a grocery store.

in the midst of being referred to the clinic, i of course googled. read articles and papers. cried to my husband, my mom, my friends. of course the clinic was booking weeks out; in three weeks i'll go for my first appointment. my mom said, well maybe now you'll get pregnant. it happens, you know - people struggle and then as soon as they get booked to see a specialist, or start IVF, they get pregnant.

my period started over the weekend. it was not a good time.

the thing about trying for a baby is that every month is the same fucking rollercoaster, only you can't get off, and despite knowing exactly how it'll go, it's still somehow traumatic every time. every cycle there's the devastation when your period starts, followed by the hopeful/planning mode of "let me now track ovulation, let's chart out when we need to have sex." then there's the actual sex - trying to still have fun with it as opposed to the clinical "literally all we need is for you to finish," though sometimes it is just the quickie before work or after dinner because it's Fertile Week and we need to optimize our chances so it doesn't matter if it's not very romantic, we can have romantic sex later. after that it's the waiting game, the two weeks of overanalyzing every ache, every twinge, of looking up expected due dates and thinking about how to announce to family and friends, of hoping and thinking that maybe you are actually pregnant - all followed by the two, three days leading up to your period where every trip to the bathroom has the potential to devastate. where every pms symptom is enough to set off a fresh round of tears until your period actually starts. i've stopped taking pregnancy tests early. the stark white negatives (or rude NO - on the digital tests) was too much for me to handle in my already hormonal, pms state.

it hasn't been a year, which makes me feel like i shouldn't be so upset already. on the other hand, my egg reserve is apparently incredibly low - that is, i'm rapidly running out of eggs, and who knows if the ones i've got are even any good. in three weeks we'll see a fertility specialist, and based on my extensive research and trolling on reddit and listening to podcasts, i'm fairly confident they're going to tell us it's IVF or bust.

because i'm running out of eggs, for reasons that might not exist, or might just be "sometimes things just suck for certain people." some people get a diagnosis of "unexplained infertility," which basically means the doctors have run every test and there's no reason you can't get pregnant. we aren't in that camp, we're likely in the "diminished ovarian reserve" camp. for reasons that are unexplained.

meanwhile, my best friend is pregnant, and i can't talk to her without crying.

we moved into a bigger house a year ago in preparation for kids. we got our finances in order, we made sure our marriage was solid, we planned - and now? we've always wanted two, maybe three. at this point i think we'll be lucky to get one. maybe i'm being pessimistic. i'm trying to be confident but also realistic. IVF doesn't work for everyone. even my clinic, which has the best numbers in the state, has a 63% success rate. sounds great, and it is - but that's 37% of couples who don't go home with a baby. nationally, the outcomes are something like 50ish% of IVF cycles will result in a live birth (they measure by both pregnancy and live birth, because even if you've managed to get pregnant, there's no guarantee you'll stay pregnant.)

today is a good day, by the way. today i can talk to my mom, i can call up our insurance, i can write this and be factual and calm and not crying. today i feel like we have a good chance, like we will end up with a take home baby. today i'm cleaning my house and looking up meal plans to increase my fertility. exercise regimens to help me get in shape to increase my fertility. tomorrow might be a bad day. bad days are when i can barely get off the couch, where i cry at the thought or mention of my fertility. where a tiktok of a dad and baby sends me spiraling. when it all feels fucking useless and unfair.

today is a good day. i don't know what tomorrow's going to be yet.

i've been isolating all summer, which isn't hard to do when most of my friends aren't local. but i find i don't want to be around anyone, really. i don't want to talk to people. i don't want to be asked how i'm doing, i don't want to be asked what's new or what i've been up to.

"i've been cleaning my house and trying to get pregnant and failing. last week i made a new recipe, and today i cried."

it's not an exciting life i'm leading these days. and anyway, no one wants to hear about fertility struggles.

it's not that i'm too stressed. i don't need to go on vacation, or get drunk and have sex, or relax and then i'll get pregnant. sure, i could use a vacation, but that's not the magic ticket. the problem isn't lack of sex. i have depression; the stress is always there, but that's why i see my therapist and my psychiatrist. that's why i take my meds and do my self-soothing shit.

i'm not pregnant because i'm just not. and hopefully the specialist will have a plan and hopefully that plan has a more than 30% chance of succeeding, and hopefully we get to bring a baby home - but today? today i'm not pregnant, and it's not a guarantee that i ever will be.

so even though today is a good day, i'm still really fucking sad.

but, you know. i'm trying to have hope.

that, too, is a cycle.

[lantur]

Recent listens: Traumazine and Good News by Megan Thee Stallion.

Recent reads: I'm almost done with Jade City, by Fonda Lee. It's been incredible. I haven't been pulled into a series so completely since The Poppy War trilogy. I'm excited to start Jade War soon!

Recent recipes: Pasta e fagioli (Once Upon a Chef), chicken adobo (Recipe Tin Eats), chana dal (Cook with Manali), rosemary roast potatoes (Ina Garten), Korean tacos (Natasha's Kitchen).

Recent good things:

I had a great time seeing @broomchickabroom and @northshoretragedyeagle over the weekend for cookies and cuddles with Westin. :)

Delicious homemade tea and coffee lattes

Watching The Mindy Project with Derek

Brushing Westin every morning, which makes him SO very happy

The thought that has persistently been on my mind for a month now is, "What's next?" I'm done writing my novel and am in the final design steps before release. I'm ready for my next major personal and professional goals, and I'm proud of the steps that I've taken to begin making those goals a reality.

Today I made an appointment with an OB-GYN so that she can help walk me (and Derek) through the questions and process associated with having a baby while also having PCOS (a hormonal condition that can impact fertility). The appointment isn't until March. It's going to be hard to wait to have all my questions answered, but I'll do my best.

I'm also in the exploratory early stages of applying to grad school for a MSW (masters in social work). My manager and mentor is extremely supportive of the idea and how it could help me in the 30+ years of career I have ahead of me.

For one reason or another (major depression, anticipatory grief, grief), I was truly in survival mode until I turned 31. I could only get through one day, one week, one month, at a time. It's only been in the very recent past - like, in the past few months - that I've realized I now have the capacity to plan for the long-term future. Not just next year, but next decade+. I had to examine what I wanted for myself. I wanted to open way more doors in my career. I wanted to be a mom. Now, I'm working on making that happen. :)