#i have a doctors appointment tomorrow :( I can’t eat or drink anything until its over

[axowotlz]

IT IS HOT AS HELL IN THIS FUCKING ASS HOT ASS ROOM MY MAN

Is that THE GRIM REAPER?!!?!??!

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

A Place To Call Home: Oh Baby

Summary: The reader and TJ decide to have their first baby together and the experience is anything but simple...

Masterlist

Pairing: Jensen x foster daughter!reader

Word Count: 3,600ish

Warnings: language, pregnancy, pregnancy/delivery scare

A/N: Enjoy!

______

“Hey,” you said, rubbing TJ’s bare back in bed after he’d gotten Allie down for bed. He groaned happily as you gave him a massage, sinking further into the mattress. “You’re rocking this dad thing you know.”

“Back at ya mom,” he laughed. “You really think so? Cause I’m scared shitless half the time.”

“Same. But she’s happy and healthy and safe. We must be doing something right,” you said. He patted your leg and you slid off of him, TJ rolling to his side and wrapping his arm around your waist to pull you down. “What are you thinking, handsome?”

“I noticed you haven’t taken any birth control this week,” he said. 

“We said we’d talk tonight about it. I wanted to be prepared,” you said. He brushed his hand over your cheek and your whole body felt warm at the touch. “This is way off base of our plan for kids. We can totally wait if you want to.”

“We could. But we said way back when we talked about this that when we had kids, we wanted to keep them not too many years apart. Allie will be more than two by the time we have one. I know our plans got changed completely when she came into the picture.”

“Well, the original plan was two of our own and then when they were in their teens, we’d look at adoption for number three. What do you think?” you asked.

“I think it doesn’t matter what our plan is today. It’ll probably change in some way. It already did,” he said.

“Do you want to make a baby?” you asked. 

“Yeah,” he said softly, sliding his hand down to your stomach. “I can’t imagine how adorable of a child you would make. Let’s start trying. Allie deserves a brother or sister.”

“Are you sure? We could wait until your student loan is paid off,” you said.

“Did I not tell you?” he asked. You shook your head and he smirked. “Work pays off my loan for me as long as I stay there.”

“Where’s the money in the budget for your loan going then?” you asked.

“It’s still student loan but it’s for Allie or kids to use. We got plenty and you got your raise and-”

“Raise? I didn’t get a raise.”

“Jensen said just the other night…oh I wasn’t supposed to tell you that,” he said.

“I’m getting a raise?” you asked. 

“Yeah. Like a big one. For how you’ve been stepping up lately,” he said. “Don’t let it out that I said something.”

“I won’t. So we can afford another kid, we have the time, the energy, Allie’s a good age...sounds like we got our ducks in a row,” you said. 

“Wanna make a baby?” he smirked. “And then love it forever and ever?”

“Fuck yes I do,” you said. “Now get naked and let’s have some fun.”

“Don’t have to tell me twice.”

Six Weeks Later

“Want me to write down anything else for the grocery store?” asked TJ as you sipped on some coffee while Allie ate part of a waffle at the breakfast table. “I haven’t bought pads or tampons in a while. You’re probably running low.”

“Yeah, you can…” you said, staring at him. “I haven’t had my period TJ. I’m two weeks late.”

“I’ll get a pregnancy test,” he said, a cautious smile on his face.

“Yeah. I’ll call the doctor, see if I can get an appointment in soon,” you said.

“I’ll be back as quick as I can,” he said. 

“Momma, waffle,” asked Allie from her high seat, opening her hand up, her plate wiped clean.

“Sure thing, honey,” you said, TJ flashing you a quick smile before he was gone.

“Hey babe,” you said half an hour later into the phone. “You still at the store?”

“Heading for checkout now. Want me to pick up-”

“I just got my period,” you said. “Just now.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” you said. “We can do the test to make sure, like triple make sure and I still have an appointment for the afternoon.”

“Okay,” he said, sounding a little off.

“We only tried that one night,” you said. “And we weren’t really even trying. We were having more fun with not using a condom for the first time than actively trying really.”

“True. We got a little carried away,” he said, his hand rubbing the back of his neck and his cheeks sporting a light blush if you had to guess. “Do you want to like, really try?”

You turned your head and saw Allie sticking some pads to herself where she sat on the bathroom floor and you smiled.

“For some crazy reason, yes, yes I do. Also, I need more pads. Allie’s playing with them,” you said.

“Alright. I’ll pick up something special for dinner,” he said. “Love you.”

“Love you too, babe.”

Three Months Later

“Another beer?” asked your dad as he stood up from your back patio. 

“I can get it,” you said, TJ handing you his empty, Allie passed out on his chest from where the three of you sat around the fire. “I want a snack anyways.”

You ruffled his head and wandered inside, your dad following you in to use the bathroom. You took out a beer and set it on the counter before you opened the freezer and pulled out a pint of ice cream.

“Someone’s got a sweet tooth lately,” he said. He took out a beer for himself and cracked it open, smiling at you. “Been awhile since I’ve seen you have a drink. Not that you did a lot but the empty calories line doesn’t seem so convincing at the moment considering the tub of cookie dough in your hand.”

“You think I’m pregnant?” you laughed. He shrugged and you shook your head. “No way. Just been trying to eat healthier. TJ ate most of this anyways.”

“You’re really not?” he asked.

“No. When’s mom and everybody come home again? Tomorrow? TJ and I wanted to have everybody over for dinner,” you said.

“Sounds good,” he said. You stuck your head around him, looking at TJ outside. “What’s up?”

“Okay I kinda want your opinion on something. I got a present for TJ’s birthday but I’m not sure if he’ll like it,” you said.

“What is it?” he asked. You left and ducked into your office, smiling to yourself but wiping it off your face by the time you returned. You held out a box to him, your dad opening it up. He looked confused as he held up a pair of blue sneakers. 

Very small blue sneakers.

It took him a second but soon he was staring at you, a funny look on his face you remembered seeing on your wedding day.

“Liar,” he grinned.

“I know,” you said, getting a big hug from him. 

“You’re gonna have a little boy,” he said, resting his chin on your shoulder.

“That’s what the sonogram said. You’re the first person we’ve told. We wanted to wait a few months to make sure everything was okay before we said something.”

“How far along are you?” he asked as he peeled away, staring at your stomach.

“About three months. We found out the sex earlier this week,” you said. “You can touch, it’s okay.”

“I didn’t realize you guys were trying,” he said. He put a careful hand on your stomach, smiling to himself. “You made a baby.”

“We wanted Allie’s sibling to be close in age. We only like actually tried once. We were kind of surprised it happened so fast,” you said.

“Does it feel any different than Allie? It’s not like you’re a parent for the first time again but I imagine it’s got to be a little different,” he said, pulling his hand away.

“Obviously this time I’m actually going to be the one having him but I don’t know, it doesn’t feel that different.”

“Good,” he said, smiling still. “These two are gonna grow up and not even think about who was adopted and who wasn’t.”

“TJ thinks he’s gonna have his black hair.”

“He could. Boys are a spitting image of their fathers sometimes,” he said. “A little boy. He’s gonna grow up just fine with you and TJ.”

“Do you have any advice for boys?” you asked.

“Love him the same as you love Allie. Teach him boys can love and cry and feel their feelings and to help others and he’ll turn out to be just as good a man as TJ.”

“You’re not half bad either,” you said with a smirk.

“I could have been better, especially when I was younger.”

“Dad, you were shy. Mom’s told me stories. You’ve always been good. I know you feel stuff, you just like to process it inside and on your own sometimes, like me. Look at Zepp. What other boy do you know that talks to his dad about stuff the way you guys do?”

“Oh I could name a few,” he said.

“You’re doing good is all I’m saying cause you’re good. We just hope he’s kind and good too,” you said.

“Love ‘em and the rest of it pretty much works out on its own,” he said. “Oh. Changing diapers? Cover them at all times. Like every single time. You’re gonna get pissed on a lot more with a boy, especially in the face.”

“Oh god, dad,” you said, rolling your eyes.

“Just being honest,” he chuckled. “Not much difference though.”

“As long as he’s happy, I’m good,” you said. “Are you...surprised? Happy? None of the above?”

“You are a kickass mom. I can’t quite describe it but yeah, let’s just say I’m happy,” he said. “I’m so happy for you both and to have another munchkin around. I’m proud of you, kiddo.”

“Thanks,” you said. “Second one should be easier, right?”

“Should. It’s your first time pregnant though. I’m sure we’re gonna run into some fun things for sure.”

Five Months Later

“Hey dad,” you said, giving him a wave in the parking lot. He smiled and you walked over before you headed off into the park with him. 

“How’s work going?” he asked. “All ready to go out next week?”

“You know most people don’t take the month off before their due date,” you said.

“Most people don’t work for mom and dad,” he chuckled. “You’re covered. I see you back at that brewery for anything more than a beer run and we’re gonna have problems.”

“I know, grumpy. I’m good. Well, I was until I was driving over here to walk and my stomach started killing me,” you said. He stopped and you walked ahead of him. “What? You forget your phone or something? We can-”

“Fucking shit,” he said. He grabbed you and you made a face as he walked you quickly back over to his car. 

“Dad, what-”

“There’s blood dripping down your leg,” he said, not even bothering with his seat belt before he was backing out and speeding away. You glanced down, a small thin streak drying on your skin. You reached under your shorts and felt more wetness, a pit forming in your stomach. “Y/N, are you listening to me?”

“What?” you said as he ran through a red light.

“I said you need to call TJ right now and tell him to meet us at County West. You’re having the baby right now.”

“S’not supposed to be bleeding,” you said quietly. 

“I know. On the bright side, it could just be a little tear and that’s what it is and you and the baby are perfectly fine.”

“When has my life ever been on the fucking bright side,” you said. “Something’s wrong isn’t it.”

Your dad hit a few buttons on the wheel before the sound of ringing filled the air.

“Sup, Jensen?” said TJ.

“County West. The baby is coming. Move your ass now,” said your dad before he hung up.

“Oh, I’m completely not worried now,” you said. You shut your eyes and by the time you opened them, you were parked and the drivers door was open. Your dad ran over to the entrance and said something, somebody coming out with a stretcher. You rolled your eyes but let a few nurses and a doctor you were guessing move you on top of it.

“How far along?” asked the doctor.

“I’m-” you said, throwing your head back when pain shot across your abdomen. You screamed, a bit surprised at yourself honestly and suddenly were inside, your dad talking a mile a minute to the people that were rushing you down the hall.

“Y/N, I’m Dr. Astle. Are you having contractions?” she asked.

“I don’t…” you said, shouting again when pain hit you. “Gah, it’s not supposed to hurt that bad, right?”

“No, it’s not,” she said. You kicked when you felt it happening again, your dad grabbing your hand and using his other to run over your head. 

“It’s okay,” he said softly. “The doctor’s are gonna fix you and the baby up like that.”

“We need to do an emergency C-section,” said Dr. Astle as you realized your shorts had been cut off.

“Dad don’t look that way,” you said.

“You and me right here,” he said with a smile. “You’ll be fine. You’ll be just fine. Just breathe.”

“TJ needs to be here,” you said. 

“Tall munchkin I don’t think they can wait,” he said.

“They’re gonna wait over my-” you said, a flop of sweaty black hair running past the room. “TJ!”

“Hey!” he said as he jogged back to the doorway. “Are-holy shit. That’s a lot of blood.”

“TJ, up here,” said your dad. 

“We need somebody from maternity, Dr. Astle,” said a nurse.

“Baby and mom do not have the time. You’re the husband?” asked the doctor, TJ nodding. “If mom passes out, you’re calling the shots.”

“Please don’t pass out,” said TJ.

“I’ll try…” you said, something tearing inside and you were out before you could even register the pain.

You woke up in a quiet room, your dad sitting in a chair and bouncing his leg like crazy. You tried to stretch and felt your abdomen was flatter, hand instantly shooting to it. You looked around but saw no sign of TJ or a baby and swallowed.

“Dad,” you said quietly. His head shot up and he was out of his chair like that. 

“Hey. How you feeling?” he asked.

“Is the baby…” you swallowed.

“He is a perfectly healthy boy. Big boy. Your due date was off by a couple weeks they think. You were over nine months. He got a little too big for ya. The placenta started to tear and he was kicking at it they think which is why you were in so much pain,” he said.

“Okay,” you said with a big smile. “As long as he’s good, I’m good.”

“He’s up in the nursery with TJ, just letting him get some rest while you got some. You had some pain but you’re okay. Perfectly capable of more kids. Maybe we use a different doctor next time is all,” he said.

“Can I go see him?” you asked, surprised to not feel a bandage across your stomach. “I thought they did a C-section?”

“Well, you passed out pushing him out in one go. Doc said you’d be sore for awhile,” he said. “Let me go see if I can find your boys.”

“Dad,” you said as he turned to go. “Did I do that?”

You nodded to his bruised hand and he shrugged.

“Let’s just say in labor you is kind of terrifying,” he said. 

“Dad,” you said and he sat on the edge of the bed. “Thank you. I was freaking out before.”

“Little secret, I was freaking out more,” he said with a chuckle. “You, you were just thinking about the baby. Me, me I was thinking about the baby and you. Understand?”

“Yeah. Go get me my son, old timer,” you said, shutting your eyes again.

“Yes mam,” he said, rubbing your arm. “You did real good today, kiddo.”

“I’m getting a letter later, aren’t I,” you said. He laughed and felt him ruffle your hair.

“I’ll save it for when you guys head home. Nothing’s gonna top this,” he said. You heard the door open and opened your eyes, TJ walking inside with a bundle of blankets in his arms.

“You’re kind of a badass, you know that right?” he said.

“It’s why you married me, isn’t it?” you teased. “I want to meet him.”

“I told you I’d bring you back around to see mommy,” he said. Your dad slipped out as TJ sat on the edge of the bed and handed you over your son. You giggled when you saw the black head of hair under his blue cap. “Told you he’d have my hair.”

“It’s a good thing your daddy is pretty,” you said, booping his little nose. “How’d you get here so fast?”

“I was at work. I took the stairs and then sprinted over. The hospital’s only a few blocks away,” he said.

“Why are you in scrubs?” you laughed.

“May or may not have ripped my pants in the said sprinting. Your mom is gonna bring me some clothes when she comes up. Somebody had to go and be all dramatic with his entrance,” he said.

“Dad said the doctor got my due date wrong,” you said.

“Based on my math, you actually did get pregnant that first night we fooled around. Your period was super light when you had it and the doctor did say some people can have them during pregnancy, especially at the beginning if…”

“Dude. I know how it works,” you said. “He’s cute.”

“I know. There’s a couple of really ugly babies down the hall. We got lucky,” he said. You laughed and the baby looked up at you, quickly shutting his eyes. “Someone’s smitten.”

“He’s not the only one,” you said. “You ever decide on a boy’s name?”

“What do you think about Colin? I know it wasn’t on the list but-”

“It’s perfect,” you said, giving the baby a kiss. “Just like you, aren’t you Colin.”

One Week Later

“Dad,” you said when you caught him peeking over the back of the couch again. “He didn’t wake up in the span of the last three seconds you weren’t looking at him.”

“Your father’s in love,” laughed your mom as she set a bag of takeout down in front of you. “I got tacos, burritos, quesadillas, nachos and brisket per your request.”

“Mmm,” you said, TJ reaching his hand into the bag. You stared up at him and he slowly backed away. “That’s what I thought.”

“TJ, yours is in with the other containers,” she said, setting a few containers down on the counter. Your siblings all grabbed one and took off to the movie room, JJ taking Allie up with them and your mom and TJ wandering into the kitchen and talking quietly. Your dad was still looking over the back of the couch and smiling down into the crib. 

“He awake?” you asked.

“No. Just adorable,” he said. 

“Well get dinner grandpa,” you said, reaching over to the end table for your drink and pausing. You shut your eyes and felt it pass, your dad suddenly right there and helping you to your feet. “Thanks.”

“Still sore?”

“Oh yeah,” you said. You sat up at the counter, grabbing a taco first and taking a big bite. “I’ve been dying for one of these for months.”

“Hopefully the spice doesn’t bother you too much,” he said, stealing a nacho from your bag. He looked over at the crib, Colin making a half-giggle sound. “Kiddo. Do me a favor.”

“What?” you asked.

“Enjoy it. They grow up faster than you think,” he said.

“I know,” you said. He nodded and you saw him look sad for a split second. “Dad?”

“Hm?”

“Just cause I made a baby doesn’t mean I’m not your kid anymore,” you said. “Based on how you are, I’ll never grow up so win-win for you.”

“Loser,” he said, ruffling your hair with a smile before he took your burrito. “Speaking of which, I was gonna prank the trio once they start watching scary movies later. You in?”

“Duh,” you said.

“That’s my girl.”

___________

A/N: Read the Jensen’s Day timestamp here!

[rae-is-typing]

Sick Day

Notes: This was requested by a lovely anon, and it was inspired by my past few days. Enjoy :)

Original request from anon: Can you write an Avenger imagine, where the reader is the youngest of the cast and gets sick/has an accident on set?

Description: You get sick. That’s it. That’s the fic.

Characters: reader, original female and male characters (manager named Masha, assistant named Alis, an EMT named Esme, trainer named Nick), RDJ, Chris Evans, Anthony Mackie, Sebastian Stan, Scarlett Johanson, Elizabeth Olson, the Russos

Warnings: Swearing sickness, vomiting, mention of pepto bismol (that shit’s NASTY), swearing, homework

Word count: 2.9k

You don’t get sick.

You don’t have time to get sick, so you don’t. Between filming, training, and school, sickness is absolutely not an option Simple as that, right?

Well, your body didn’t get the memo.

Your body is racked with chills, but you’re sweating profusely. You chalk it up yo the intense scene you’re filming; your character and Robert’s character just got into a massive screaming match over your character’s secret identity being revealed. But in the middle of the second take, your words dissolve into coughs.

"No, Tony! It's not okay!" You shout, whipping around to face a very pissed looking RDJ. "I-" A cough disrupts your words. "I don't-" This time you break down into a fit of uncontrollable coughing, even going as far as doubling over.

"Cut!" Robert rushes over to you, placing a hand on your back. He makes you stand up fully. He speaks up when you finally stop coughing. “You alright, kid?" You nod your head, rubbing at your throat.

"Yeah, I'm good. I'm sorry, I have no idea where that came from." A smile tugs at his lips. "Don't apologize, Y/N. It happens."

Alis, an assistant, comes over with a bottle of cold water, placing it on your hands with a curt not. You thank her and open the water, taking a few slow sips as the Russos offer feedback on what you managed to get through.

"That was are best take until the coughing. Whatever you did before, do that again." You try not to beat yourself up over the coughing; it's show business, it happens.

Getting back into position, you two manage to finish the scene with minimal interruptions. During your yelling match, your head begins to pound. It's not the light pounding you get when you didn't get enough sleep or you're dehydrated, it's the kind where you're sure that your old band director is leading the entire drum line on your brain tissue, or something is punching your skull with little pistons.

The second "Cut!" rings out through the set. You deflate, rolling your shoulders and rubbing your head. You trudge over to a small bench near the set and plop down, stretching your now aching limbs in the process.

Being the (mother hen) good mentor and costar he is, Robert realizes something is wrong very quickly. You're usually very bubbly after scenes end, the adrenaline still coursing through you. He can only think of one time he saw you like this, and that was right after you took the SATs. He calls over Alis again, asking her to get some green hibiscus tea with honey and acetaminophen. Alis is back within five minutes. He walks over to you and sits by you.

"Here, take these." You frown at the to-go cup and the small container in his hands, but ]take them anyways.

"What is it?"

"Tea, and tylenol. They'll help with your headache and cough." He says, matter-of-factly.

"Oh, thanks, Robert."

"Course, gotta help my favorite kid." He says, pushing himself off of the bench. "Now, I don't know about you, but I am starving. What do you say we get a bite with the others?" He extends a hand for you to take

"Sure," You say without thinking. Any time with the cast is great, even if you're extra tired and achy. You let him pull you up. The cast orders sandwiches from a little shop in downtown Atlanta, very close to the set.

You're gathered in a larger, mostly empty save for a few couches and chairs part of the set where you often meet. Everyone is talking. They're either going over that days work and characterization, recent events in the news, and their weekend plans. Your sandwich is a little off. It smells fine, it's exactly what you ordered, but it tastes... off. Something in it is making your stomach churn and grumble. You place the sandwich back in the wrapping it came in, fold it up, and throw it away.

That's enough for tonight, You decide. "I have school stuff that I need to get done." You say.

"Aw, okay. See you tomorrow!"

"Fuck school,"

"Language!"

"Shut the hell up, man."

You smile as you walk to your trailer. You do have school, you always have school, and it sucks major ass. The suckiest thing you have to complete is a seven page, MLA format, argumentative research paper about birth control in the developing world. And, oh my god, you would rather be hung upside down by your toe hair than write that fucking paper.

But you write it anyway.

Why? Because it's due in two days and you haven't started it yet. So you buckle down, ignoring the headache you have and your churning stomach, and do the damn thing.

You get three pages in before you decide that being tired isn't worth this paper. Getting up at 5:30 in the morning each day to train for two hours is definitely not your favorite part of your job, but it is some of the only alone time you’re able to get, so you'll take it. You stand up from your desk and immediately regret moving. Dizziness overcomes you. You flop back onto your office chair and press a hand to your forehead.

Taking a few deep breaths, you get back under control and stand up much slower. This time, you're able to walk to your small bedroom area with an attached bathroom. You wash your face, being extra careful as to not make yourself pass out from dizziness. You do the same when brushing your teeth.

During the night, you get all of two and a half hours of sleep. You toss and turn all night, unable to ignore the churning in your stomach for long enough. And the fact that you're hot one second and then freezing the next. it is impossible for you to sleep for more than a half hour at a time. But you eventually do.

Assuming that's the end of it, you sleep deeply until cramping in your stomach forces you out of bed. you make yourself sit up. A wave a nausea comes over you like a tidal wave. You hobble to the bathroom and lean over the toilet just in time.

Bile and your half-eaten sandwich forces its way from your stomach, up your throat, and into the toilet. It's gross. It smells vile, its chunky and the strain makes tears come to your eyes. You dry heave and cough until you're sure everything is out. Feebly, you flush the toilet and leaned back against the wall across from it, deep breathing until you stop crying.

Unaware of the time, you stay there until you feel strong enough to get up and brush your teeth. You hobble back to your bed, and lay back down. This time, falling asleep again.

A knocking on your door pulls you out of your slumber.

"Y/N? You need to get up." The smooth voice of your manager, Masha, floats through your door.

You jolt awake, now remembering that you have to train. "Shit, what time is it?"

"Six AM. I'm opening the door," Masha says, while opening the door. You wince as the light seeps in, covering your eyes.

"Whoa, what happened to you?" She asks. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, I'm good. Shit Nick is waiting. I'll get ready, gimme like two seconds," You ramble, stumbling out of bed.

"Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, hold on." Masha says, putting both hands on your shoulders, steadying you. Huh, you didn't realize you were wavering.

"You're burning up, Y/N." She observes, pressing the back of her hand on your forehead. "I think you're sick. Tell me what's going on."

"Nothing."

"Have you thrown up or anything? Headaches? Lie to me, and it won’t be pretty."

“I threw up,” You croak, flopping back on the bed.  

"Alright, I'm going to get Esme, stay here, lay down." Masha speaks quickly, pulling out her phone.

Esme is the lead EMT on set. She was an RN for years before transferring to emergency medical services. The stunt doubles and the actors take major precautions before stunting. However, some things can't be avoided, hence the EMTs.

Esme comes into your room in no time, followed closely by a worried Masha.

"Alright, Y/N. What's wrong?"

"I'm a little sick right now."

"Alright. Symptoms?"

"Chills, headaches, I uh threw up a few hours ago..." You hate admitting it. That means you won't be able to do much today. It's apart of your contract. If you get sick, you have to take at least two days off because you're a huge liability for Marvel. Being a minor kinda sucks.

She nods. "Alright hon, follow my directions." Esme checks you out thoroughly. After telling her about your weird sandwich, she nods knowingly.

"It looks like a fever, and that sandwich made you throw up. Get some pepto bismol and tylenol. Make sure to drink a lot of water and other clear liquids. Eat the BRAT diet, and you'll be good to go in a few days. I suggest making a doctor's appointment today, though. I can’t diagnose you."

"Alright, thanks Esme." Masha says as Esme leaves. She turns to you, sighing. "I'm sorry, N/N. I'll get what you need from a store, let the Russos know, and make the appointment. I think you should go back to sleep if you can."

"Thanks, Mash. You're the best."

She smiles gently before leaving. You turn on your side and pull the blanket over your head, eventually dozing off.

The veil of sleep is slowly lifted as you blink your eyes open. Thanks to some great blackout curtains you have, no light seeps into the trailer. This time, you don't feel nauseous. However, an inkling of dizziness is still there. You stay in your position for a few minutes until you reach for your phone. A ton of notifications appear on your lockscreen.

3 missed calls from Masha the Manager

Messages from Masha the Manager

Y/N, Nick is waiting. Where are you? Sent: 5:30

Get up now, Y/N. Sent: 5:30

Y/N. You're scaring me. You're never late. Sent: 5:43

Everything you need is on the counter. Read the note first though. Sent: 7:00

Message from evans

Hey Y/N. Heard you weren't feeling well. Lemme know if I can help, okay? Sent: 7:15 AM

Message from Romanian Bitch™

Masha told us you're sick. Feel better we need you! Sent: 7:19 AM

Message from Stanky Stark

Get better soon okay? Sent 7:19

Messages to No Boys Allowed!!!

ScarJo: get well soon babe. let us know if you need anything 7:20

Scarlet Bitch: aw, feel better N/N Sent: 7:21

It warms your heart knowing that they care so much about you. You send a simple thank you to each one of them and close your eyes again.It only takes a few seconds for you to remember all the homework you have to do. Your eyes snap open and you groan.

You do not want to do homework. But you have two whole days with no training and no work, so why wouldn't you? That thought is all you need to get out of bed. You don't bother changing. You migrate to the small living area, and go to the counter where Masha had set all the stuff. You found the note quickly, and read Masha's half print, half cursive writing.

Y/N,

Take two doses of pepto and two things of tylenol, but read the instructions!!! Eat some applesauce or toast, and call me if you get any worse.

-Masha

You unpack the canvas bag and quickly take your medicine. After that, you take all the food with you to the couch. You plant yourself on the soft sofa and dive into your work.

Being interrupted every few minutes with coughing is not the ideal space for productivity, especially because your throat is becoming increasingly raw. You put your phone in a drawer in your desk so you aren't distracted. Like most teens, you have a bad habit of prioritizing your phone.

A knock on the trailer door pulls you out of your focus. "Y/N, it's us!"

"Come in!" You say, still typing. You cringe at how sore you sound. Scarlett and Lizzie come in, still in costume.

"We can't stay for long," Scarlett starts, looking very apologetic. "We have a five minute break and we wanted to check on you."

You smile, setting your computer to the side. "Thanks guys. I appreciate it."

"How are you feeling?" Lizzie asks.

You shrug. "I'm okay, I guess."

"What were you doing?" Scarlett asks, spotting the half finished essay on your laptop. "You're supposed to be resting."

You sigh. "Yeah, but I should just get it done..."

The three of you talk about how shooting is going, and the production of the film in general. It's going smoothly. Nothing is going wrong. Soon, though, they have to leave. You're left to your own devices for another few hours.

Now that you’re revising the paper, your eyes ache, your left hand is cramping up, and you're positive you gave yourself carpal tunnel.

Another knock on the door reverberates through the trailer.

"Open up, kiddo!"

"It's unlocked." You snap back, not unkindly. Anthony and Sebastian walk in. You stop typing for a second to smile at them. "Hey,"  

"Hey, N/N." Sebastian smiles back. "We brought you soup."

Your face twists up. "Is it from the sandwich shop?"

"Nah, Masha told us that made you sick. This is from the high-end shop across the street," Anthony says, handing you a warm styrofoam bowl and a spoon. he also takes your laptop. "What are you writing an essay for? You’re sick! And a kid! Kids don’t do school when they’re sick.”

“What do you know about kids?” You smile, leaning forward to reach for your laptop.

"Nuh uh, no no no. You're going to relax while we're here, okay? And for your information, I have three children."

You cock an eyebrow. "Uh huuuuhhhh," you draw out.

He rolls his eyes, saves your essay, and turns on the television that you rarely use. "Alright, N/N. Netflix or Hulu?"

"My essay."

"Hey siri, does netflix or hulu have a show called 'My essay'?" You shove his shoulder lightly with a scowl. Sebastian is having a grand time laughing at you while eating his own soup.

"Alright, alright. We'll watch The Office, it's one of your favorites." Anthony chuckles.

You huff, leaning back on the couch and pulling off the cover to your soup. "Fine."

"Michael Scott is such a bad boss." Sebastian remarks.

"How dare you!" You gasp, your voice cracking severely.

"I can't take you seriously when you sound like a twelve year old boy." He retorts.

"You're being mean,"

"Mmm sorry sweetheart," He chuckles.

The three of you watch a couple episodes before they have to leave. You thank them for their time and the soup profusely. They wave you off, saying something along the lines of 'No problem, kiddo'.

After they leave, you snatch up your laptop and make the final revisions on your essay. There, finished in two days, and all it took was eating a bad sandwich. You should totally do that more often. (No you shouldn't. Never doing that again.)

You opt for more Michael Scott and some ginger ale mixed with Gatorade. You fall asleep on the couch huddled under a fleece blanket you retrieved from your room area two more episodes in, and wake up to gentle knocking and someone calling your name.

"Y/N? You there?"

"Yeah." You call, voice thick with sleep.

"Can we come in?"

"Sure?" You say, burrowing under the blanket. The door opens revealing Chris Evans and Robert, both looking tired after a long day of filming.

"Did we wake you up?" Chris asks.

"Yeah, it's fine though," You yawn, sitting up slowly.

"Oh, sorry 'bout that kiddo,"

You shrug. "What's up?"

Robert gives you a dad smile. "We just wanted to come see how you're doing. Feeling any better?"

"Yeah, I guess. Don't feel pukey anymore."

"That's good. Anthony said you were doing homework all day?" Chris asks, tone not too far from accusatory.

"I had an essay to do." You defend.

Robert clicks his tongue. "You're supposed to be resting, Y/N, not doing homework."

You pout. "I still had to get it done..."

"Alright, no school stuff tomorrow, okay?" Robert orders. "Rest only."

"Rest only." You repeat.

"Alright, now go to bed. You look exhausted."

"Okay. Thanks for checking on me," You stand up slowly, paying close attention to how you feel. You give each of them a hug before going to your room.

You check your phone, again giving in to those bad habits.

Message from Masha the Manager

Doc appointment at 1 pm tomorrow. He's gonna make a house call.

Sent 7:28 PM

You shoot back a quick 'K' before turning it off and laying down for the night.

[weirdo-with-a-nametag]

This is a vent, basically. No obligation to read, at all.

So, this was today:

I had to help my mom move furniture for hours, got woken up early to do that, ripped my new pants on a nail helping her, pulled a muscle in my arm, messed up my hips, and then spent hours with my housemate and her boyfriend trying to donate blood, but we weren't able to, and then had to buy gas because neither of them had money to pay for the gas for this thing they wanted to do.

Came home, sat down to do the homework I've been putting off to do chores, and was called into the kitchen because my grandma wanted help with the green beans for dinner. went back to my room to break them, did that, interrupted several times for taking too long. Nana decided to cook the meatballs I got specifically so that I could try them, so I was like ok that's fine just let me cook them.

Cooked meatballs. Constant contact with my grandma, at my limit, exhausted. Everyone walked away so I guess the green beans are on me also?

Housemate texts me:

> Do I smell sausage?

< No it's meatballs.

> I want sausage

< Ok

> Can you make me sausage?

< I'm cooking the meatballs, and the green beans, and I'm already past my limits today. can you come make it yourself?

> I don't know how

< Pan, oil, sausage. I can help, just can't make it myself. Or, you can try the meatballs

> Ok I'll try them.

She comes down, decides meatballs are good enough. Adds to the noise of the kitchen, brings Nana back in to ask about cutting boards. Then she's standing here, cutting apples, and I'm humming along to my music to deal with the noise and exhaustion. Nana is talking at me.

Housemate asks me to stop humming, for the umpteenth time today, because she has a migraine. I stop, and tears collect in my eyes involuntarily because everything is way too much. I freeze in my chair, watching my green beans burn, until she leaves and I can hum again.

Cooking green beans. Nana comes back, asks me how I'm gonna cook the noodles. I didn't know I was cooking the noodles. Now I'm cooking all of dinner? Call my mom to figure out what she was doing with the noodles, she doesn't have a plan, so I've got to come up with a sauce for them to go with the green bean sauce and the meatballs. Great.

Nana keeps coming back like what're you doing with the noodles? What're you doing with the green beans? I'm going to bed. No, I'm back, can we eat yet?

Tell her I'm not sure what I'm doing with the noodles yet, and my mom appears and takes some of the (unseasoned) noodles and (unfinished) green beans, which prompts Nana to try and get some, too. I tell her it's not done yet, and mom gets involved for some reason (trying to back me up, I think. But she just makes conflict with Nana) and Nana gets agitated.

Nana says she's not even hungry, she's gonna go to bed. I'm like. Fine go to bed. It's not like I've been cooking for an hour because you decided it was on me to cook your food?

She comes back, says she's "just frustrated we can't eat yet" and I do not respond. How do I respond to that. Encourage her to eat something. She takes the food I haven't finished cooking and goes off to bed.

I am now cooking a dinner that no one wants, with my broken down body and even less energy for the studying I have to do before class tomorrow.

But hey. At least no one else is in here, now.

I'm...really having a hard time. I'm trying to help people out, because I feel like I've been cold lately. Helped my mom for hours on a construction job, and then yesterday on remodeling the living room, and today bringing the new furniture in. I'm really, really tired. Keep getting yelled at for my room being messy, but it's all I can do to drink a little water every day. If they wouldn't get mad at me for it, it'd actually be cleaner because I wouldn't be dealing with their anger on top of all the tasks.

My mom cries about me sitting down to cook or do dishes, about me using a cane, about me being tired all the time on the rare occasions she believes me. Says she's trying to help, but she's just pushing supplements and exercise and diet regimens on me.

I have to manage her emotions and expectations and help out as much as I can because everyone is stressed. None of their anger helps me. I hope it helps them.

It doesn't seem to, because they keep going over the same things. Or maybe it's easier to deal with if they yell as an outlet.

I got out of my dad's house. Here, it's lower stakes as far as anger, but I'm responsible for everyone's emotional wellbeing.

It's always been like that. I'm trying so hard to get my mom to just...vent to other people, solve her problems on her own. I shouldn't be the one she comes to for advice on dealing with her frustration with me. It's not okay that she cries at me whenever I feel her I have a problem with something she did. Or when I'm not free to do what she wants me to do.

She doesn't know any better. I've been trying forever to get her resources on...managing her emotions, talking to people, managing relationships.

She goes through friends like sparklers, fun and excitement and then she's overstayed her welcome and they don't have anything left they're willing to give her. So she takes it from me. And I can't leave, so that's worked for eighteen years.

I don't blow up, and she doesn't respect boundaries or calm words, so I tell her every time that I can't help her with these problems and she gets sad or mad and then comes back the next day with the same thing.

I have no privacy because my room has been under construction since before quarantine started. I'm sleeping in the living room. All the noises come into my space, and all the heat. Nana's mad because she wants to relax in there, and it's messy. Everyone comes in with no announcement and starts talking to me.

I failed 4 out of 5 classes last term because I can't think or get anything done in there.

This term I am taking one class and its lab, so there's less work, but I don't qualify for my scholarship this term and I'm falling behind on my degree.

But I'm at my limit, and I'm trying to respect that. The pressure is building in my head, and I'm worried I'll break down again, and worse. But I have nowhere to go.

What can I change, that I haven't tried and failed at already? If I could be left alone, this would be much easier.

But I live with my family, and they want and need things from me. It's almost midnight, and I think I might just go to bed. I have an in person doctors appointment tomorrow morning and I don't have a ride, yet, because everyone else's things are more urgent. Had to reschedule that appointment from today because my mom woke me up to do her thing and I forgot all about it and missed the whole thing.

Everything is... High strung, stress, energy. I'm already tired, and then any interaction is like running uphill, and if I try to ask for space it just drags things out.

My housemate gets it, a bit, but she's wrapped up in herself as much as any of them and often doesn't realize the effects of her actions. I'm alone, but I'm never alone. I don't know what to do.

[statticscribbles]

Tonsils

Summary: Sweet Pea/Archie Request: Post High school they’re living together and archie comes home from work early sick as a dog and ends up needing his tonsils to be taking out

Sweet Pea was half paying attention to the tv that  he’d turned on and half trying to sleep; he’d been doing overtime on his night shift at the Wyrm; mostly because Toni was distracted by Cheryl whenever she’d come in and Jughead decided it was easier to cut her hours than have her wasting her time on the clock getting paid to sit with her girlfriend. The Wyrm wasn’t busy enough for Jughead to justify calling Fangs in to help Sweet Pea; and Sweet Pea assured him he didn’t mind either way; night shift pay was too good to ignore. He frowns when he hears the door opening and blinks at the sliver of sunlight.

“Arch?” “Don’t feel well; dad sent me home.” He grumbles and Sweet Pea smiles. “Aww Arch, come here, what’s wrong?” Archie huffs curling into Sweet pea’s arms. “Throat and mouth hurt.” He winces resting his head against Sweet Pea’ chest. “Do you want me to get Pop’s?” “Hurts to swallow.” Archie whines and Sweet Pea laughs. “What?” “You can just spit instead.” He laughs until Archie smacks his shoulder. “Okay fine Mr. Drama Queen; I meant a shake anyways, not a burger and fries. I have to go out, and I can tell Jones I’m taking tonight off to take care of you.” “I’ll be fine Sweets.”

“So Strawberry or Vanilla?” Sweet Pea tugs his shoes on. “Both?” “So I get vanilla for myself and then you steal it cause you puppy dog eye me into giving you a ‘sip’ which we both know is-“ Sweet Pea laughs when Archie scowls at him. “I might be dying Sweet Pea, and the only thing that can save me the rest of your vanilla shake.” “I haven’t even left the house to get it!” “I know.” Archie laughs but cuts himself off grimacing and hissing in pain. “Want me to grab some of that throat numbing spray as well?” Archie nods pulling over the glass of water Sweet Pea had gotten for himself earlier.

“So good news-“ Sweet Pea starts when he enters the house; Archie blinks sluggishly sitting up as he awakens. “Pop’s gave me an extra vanilla shake after I said how you robbed mine; bad news; it’s a kiddie one.” “This is like a third of a shake Sweet Pea.” “Do you really need that much sugar if you’re sick; nothing worse than a sugar crash when you’re sick.” Archie nods sulking and reaching out for the strawberry shake. “Wait you got a burger?” “And fries.” Sweet pea smirks. “I might be hungry.” Archie start and Sweet Pea rolls his eyes.

“I got you one too; I’m not a monster; however we might need to cut it up if you can’t even eat the strawberry without grimacing like when Joaquin stabbed you.” “You weren’t even there!” “I know and you’re already looking like you’re gonna bleed to death over a piece of fruit. We’re cutting the burger up so you don’t die.” “I didn’t die from getting stabbed; or-“ “If you list all the ways you’ve almost died I’ll pour your milkshake down the sink.” “At least drink it if you’re gonna do that.” “Here.” Archie sits up as Sweet Pea pushes a plate with the burger cut into chunks. “Thanks.” Archie grumbles. “I also made a doctors appointment while I was waiting for the food.” “No.” “Yes, its in a hour so finish eating soon.” Sweet Pea kisses his forehead pulling his own burger over.

Archie glares at him the entire time he’s in car and as well while they’re in waiting room. He doesn’t look up as the doctor calls just nodding and standing. It takes two minutes and Archie hissing in pain before the Doctor nods. “Tonsils.” “So I have to get them removed?” “Has this happened before? We usually don’t remove them unless it’s happened before so-“ “Oh really?” “Yes; it’s not as common in adults anyways; so we’ll just give you antibiotics and tell you to rest.” “So no surgery?”

“Do you want it? We’d rather not especially if it’s the first time this has happened and-“ Archie sulks on the way back to the car. “You seem disappointed.” “I am.” “Were you expecting a week off and getting to eat ice cream while I tend to your every need?” “Well yes.” Archie kicks a rock and Sweet Pea laughs. “We can still do that; we’re adults, you can eat ice cream for a week if you want.”

Archie doesn’t say anything until two weeks later when Sweet Pea manages to catch him hacking into a tissue and it comes away more blood than phlegm. “It’s fine, my throat is raw and- I’ll get in the car.” He sulks once more as Sweet Pea narrows his eyes. “Ah back again. Well it seems like you’re going to have to get them removed so you’ll get to have a week of soft cold foods. To be fair it’s mostly room temperature soup. Things that are too cold or too hot will irritate it. It’s a simple out patient procedure; you’ll go in and be able to leave that afternoon.” “Will it be like when you get your wisdom teeth out?” Sweet Pea grins and the doctor shakes his head.

“Well timeline wise it will be, but he’s not going to be out of it, or go viral on youtube or anything.” Sweet Pea is the one to sulk on the way back to the car. “So I guess we should take tomorrow off?” “No just show up to work out of it on pain meds; your dad’ll love that!”

Archie’s quiet the way up and the way back and Sweet Pea thinks it because of nerves but on the way back Archie frowns and hisses in pain. “Once we get back I’ll get you some pain meds and-“ “I bit my tongue.” “How?” “With my teeth.” “That’s not-Okay come on druggie.” Sweet Pea nudges him and pulls him from the car and Archie leans on him. “Are you playing this up to cuddle me.” “Yes. I’m not in pain when you cuddle me.” “Really? So you don’t want me to give you-“ “Maybe a little pain.” Archie nudges his shoulder and Sweet Pea smirks. “On the couch then.”

“Bed’s better.” Archie pouts and Sweet Pea shakes his head. “No if your mouth is numb and you try to eat anything half of it is going to go on the bed; I’m not sleeping in cold soup or warm ice cream. So get on the damn couch.” “M gonna tell Jones you’re being a dick.” “He doesn’t care.” “He will.” “How? Actually I’m just going to chalk this up to the drugs and pretend you’re making sense and; Archie you can’t sleep yet; you need to eat something before you take your meds and then you can sleep.” “But-“ “I will cuddle you while you eat. Jesus you’re such a baby when you’re sick.”

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[stattic-writes]

Tonsils

https://statticscribbles.tumblr.com/post/639099629845233664/masterlist

Support My Writing?

[youngjusticeslut]

My Love, My Life

Fandom: Young Justice Links: FF.net // AO3 Characters:  Jade Nguyen, Roy Will Harper, Lian Harper Ships: Light RedCat Summary: All that mattered was that they were alive, and safe. If that meant removing herself from the equation, so be it. Rating: T Word Count: 3,854 words Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these characters.

“Jade, are you sure?” Paula asked, her fingers tightening around the handles of her wheelchair. “Think about it, please.”

Jade didn’t lift her eyes from her mug of tea. She knew her mother would react this way. She knew that she would try to convince her otherwise, to change her mind. Jade was set on her decision, she knew it was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do in this situation.

“Mom,” she warned. “There’s nothing to think about.”

“A baby could be a good thing. A new start,” Paula implored. She wheeled closer to Jade, resting a hand on her shoulder. “You won’t be alone.”

“Won’t I?” Jade scoffed. It’s not like Roy would be there; he didn’t even know this kid existed. The moment that obnoxious plus sign showed up on the stick, she’d grabbed a duffel and penned him a letter saying she was done. Jade wondered if he’d cared when he’d found her things missing, or if he’d just thrown back another bottle of liquor and continued his search. Either way, it hurt.

There were a lot of things Jade wasn’t sure about right now. What she was going to do with her life being one of them. It wasn’t like the Shadows would take her back so willingly, not after she’d betrayed them. She had nowhere to go, nowhere to live. A kid was the very last thing she needed, or wanted. With absolute certainty, the only thing Jade knew was that she wasn’t about to have this baby, his baby, alone.

“You won’t,” her mother promised, squeezing her shoulder hard. “I will help. Artemis will-”

“No,” Jade insisted. “No. I’m not considering this. Tomorrow morning, I’m going to the clinic.”

“You won’t even tell him?”

“Roy doesn’t need to know. Believe me,” Jade said, setting the tea down on the coffee table and standing up to leave. “He won’t even care.”

“You don’t know that. People can change.”

“Why on earth would a baby change him? I tried, Mom. I tried for years.” Jade couldn’t disguise the bitterness in her voice. Her mother could preach all the wanted, but Paula hadn’t been there. She hadn’t lived with him. She hadn’t begged him to come to bed, to forget about Speedy for just a few hours so he could rest. She hadn’t cooked for him, despite being unable to cook anything with more than three steps of preparation, because if she hadn’t, he wouldn’t have eaten anything. She hadn’t kissed him so hard just to bring him back, for only a minute or two, to be the man who had convinced her there was more to life than following other people’s orders.

“He’s gone,” Jade said, her shoulders sinking as she turned away. “A baby won’t bring him back.” The squeak of her mother’s wheelchair edging closer made her want to jump out the window and never look back.

“Jade, please. Look at me.”

“Mom-”

“Look at me.” When she didn’t, Paula grabbed her hand and turned her with a ferocity that Jade had forgotten she possessed. “When things get hard, you run. You think that it’s that easy? I know you’d love nothing more than to get rid of this child and move on with your life. But you can’t-”

“I can.”

“Enough, Jade,” Paula snapped in Vietnamese. Jade frowned; Vietnamese meant that Paula wasn’t in the mood for argument. “This isn’t something you can run from.”

Jade narrowed her eyes, snatching her hand away. “So what am I supposed to do, have this baby? Are you insane?” She crossed her arms over her chest, trying to ignore the nauseous churning in her stomach. “The moment this kid is out of me, the Shadows will come after it. Or maybe they won’t even wait that long. I wonder how long a pregnant person can last in a fight.”

“They won’t come after you,” Paula waved off.

“You’re a fool if you think that.”

“I was in the Shadows a lot longer than you were, I would know.”

“You didn’t betray them,” Jade spat.

“And what, you think that betrayals aren’t a common thing? Stop making excuses, Jade. If you want this child, we will make it work.”

Jade was about to retort back, but she paused. What did want have to do with anything? Having this child wasn’t a possibility; not in her line of work, at least. In her entire life, she’d never even entertained the thought of being a mom. What kind of shit mom would she make, anyway? Any kid she mothered would hate her before they were old enough to talk. And yet, if Roy were himself… she would have considered it.

“I’m not having this baby without its father,” she insisted, balling her fist. “And he’s in no position to be one.”

“Then go back to him, Jade. Set him right again.”

Jade shook her head before going to the door. “I can’t.” She rested her hand on the knob, letting out a shallow breath. “Not until I’ve found the real Roy Harper.”

--

Calling in her chips to find a lead on the original Harper had been the easy part.

Jade made use of every minute she wasn’t visibly showing and tracked down every potential favor she had. In a matter of months, she already had a solid idea of where to go next. When the baby started to kick, she put Cheshire away for a second time and rented an apartment in Star City. Roy didn’t live there anymore, but having their baby in the city in which he’d spent most of his time felt right.

Being pregnant was the harder part. If she had a choice between single handedly taking down a hundred Shadow lackeys or dealing with morning sickness for a week, she’d readily pick the former. At least then she knew what she was getting into. Nevertheless, she persevered through it. The baby was going to have enough of a difficult time with her and Roy as its genetic parents, the least she could do was give them their best chance at being born healthy. That meant going to every checkup, taking every uncomfortable test, and especially restraining herself from pushing too hard in her exercise regimen.

Paula begged her to stay in Gotham, but Jade knew that she wanted to be alone. She hadn’t even told Artemis. Sometimes she thought about popping in on her, given that her sister’s place at Stanford was so close. She changed her mind every time; Artemis didn’t need her pregnant sister making her life any more stressful. She was already upset at her as it was for leaving Roy. When Artemis had found out, she’d made a point to find Jade and attempt to talk some sense into her. She kept her mouth shut tight; Jade would tell her when the time was right.

At first, she put off finding out about the gender. Jade told herself she didn’t care what they were having. The bigger she got, the less she found it to be true. During her sixth month sonogram, she caved and asked.

The technician smiled. Her name was Linda something and she smelled of lavender. “Of course, Mrs. Harper. Give me just a few minutes.”

Jade tried her best not to grimace. When Roy proposed, he’d asked if she planned to change her name. Jade told him that if he ever so much as thought about it again, she would take a sai to his throat; it had almost made him smile. Jade Harper was the dumbest sounding name she could conceive of. The irony that she was using it for all her doctor’s appointments didn’t escape her. As far as they knew, she was Jade fucking Harper and her husband adored her but worked too often to attend any of her appointments.

She wished it were true.

Linda looked closely at the screen, slowly moving the wand around on her stomach. After a few moments, she nodded in triumph.

“You’re having a girl. Congratulations.”

“Is she okay?”

“She’s perfectly healthy. Nothing to worry about.”

Jade let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.

--

“I’m not sure whether to congratulate you, or kill you.”

“Either option carries its pros and cons, Crusher.”

Jade hadn’t been too surprised when her father met her outside the doctor’s office after one of her appointments. She knew it would only be a matter of time before he found out, and honestly she was impressed that it had taken him this long. Either Paula had told him, or her dad really did keep tabs on her. She wasn’t sure which one annoyed her most.

“Seems you’ve gotten yourself into quite a mess, little girl,” her father growled, keeping up with her brisk walking pace. “Pregnant with the clone’s kid. Who woulda thought?”

“Lian,” Jade corrected. “Her name is Lian.”

Lawrence rolled his eyes. “How original. Does she even know?”

“Nope. If you know what’s good for you, you won’t tell her.”

Her skin crawled at his amused expression, and she wished that she could gouge his eyes out for the way he looked at her stomach.“Don’t think you’re in much of a position to be making threats, Jade. Besides, I have better things to do with my time.”

It took a remarkable amount of control to keep Jade from attacking him in public. It was moments like this that she knew laying low was the worst decision she’d ever made. “What do you want, Dad?”

“Just wanted to see how my little girl was doing. Thought I’d take her out to lunch, make sure she was eating for two.”

“I’d rather get hit by a truck.”

“Coffee, then.”

“I don’t drink coffee.” She walked faster, but it didn’t help. Given her condition, he could outpace her without even trying.

“Jade.” Lawrence grabbed her arm, stopping her from going any further. “You know you can’t have this kid.”

“Watch me.”

--

Lian looked like her father.

Jade held the infant in her arms, still in a state of shock despite delivering her hours ago. The hospital was quiet, given that it was just past three in the morning. People were probably sleeping. Lian was sleeping too, nestled in her thin arms without a care in the world. Jade couldn’t even think of sleep. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from her daughter, unable to believe that she’d made something so small, so innocent.

Babies were supposed to cry when they were born. That’s what Jade had thought, at least. Imagine the panic she’d felt when no cry came. She’d resolved herself to the worst, but then the infant coughed and the doctors announced she was just fine. Jade hadn’t let her go since.

She ran her fingers along her daughter’s feathery hair, wanting to cry at how red it was. Roy should be here, and in that moment she hated herself for not telling him. She hated herself, and yet she knew she’d made the right decision. Roy was in no place to raise Lian, not yet at least. Their daughter deserved the world, she deserved everything that she could give her. She deserved much better than a broken father.

It was good that Jade had done this alone. Artemis would have teased her for the way she cried when she first held her. Paula would have cried with her, and Jade would have just felt guilty. No, she didn’t regret any decision she’d made regarding how Lian was born. For now, she was hers, and hers alone. Jade wouldn’t have given that up for the world.

In a few weeks, she’d follow up on those leads. She would do everything in her power to find the original Roy and bring her Roy back to himself. But for now, Jade was content to just hold Lian and press her lips to her head, promising that she’d make everything right.

For her, she had to.

--

If she were being honest, Roy and her didn’t make a bad team.

Artemis looked about ready to call child protective services when Jade had told her that Roy and her were parents. Jade didn’t blame her. On paper, Roy and her were the last people who should have ever been given the responsibility of a baby. Somehow, they made it work out in their own way.

It wasn’t anything close to normal. Between finding the original Roy Harper and her sister’s faked death, tension had been a constant presence in their new apartment. Her Roy still wasn’t completely back to himself, but he was getting better. Some nights he still refused to sleep, but instead of turning to heroin and alcohol, he held their daughter and rocked her. More often than not, Lian slept between them, both of them on the alert and ready to protect her if need be.

They still fought, but they always would. Lian would laugh if voices were raised, and Jade would smirk at the wary look on Roy’s face. He was convinced it wasn’t normal, but what could she say? It was genetic.

Roy was better with Lian than she was. He knew what she wanted when she cried, something Jade still had difficulty deciphering. Roy had more patience for her games, repeated back her baby talk with vivid encouragement and was happy to do the annoying things. Jade did her best not to show just how content she was. He was finally happy, with a new purpose. Not that she’d ever admit it, but her mother had been right.

“Jade?”

“In the kitchen,” she responded, rinsing out the last of Lian’s bottles and setting it on the drying rack. Roy had taken Lian to the park with Kaldur. Out of respect, she kept her distance from the Atlantean. She hadn’t completely forgiven him for the stunt he’d pulled with Artemis.

“Mama!” Jade turned to see Lian, wobbling to her on unsteady feet. She’d just started walking and insisted on doing so everywhere that she could. Jade bent to her knees and scooped up Lian as she came closer, kissing her cheeks. She pretended not to notice the tender look on her husband’s face as she did so.

“Did you have fun at the park with Daddy?”

The toddler nodded enthusiastically and Jade picked her up , resting her against her hip. “She was good?”

Roy nodded, taking a water bottle out of the fridge. “She’ll be out any minute. Poor Kal, I think she wore him out more than he did her. She had both of us chasing her, and she’s fast, Jade.”

“Maybe she’s the daughter of the other redhead,” she noted without thinking. They both fell quiet as they realized the impact of what she said, but Roy kissed her cheek and broke it first.

“Can’t be. She likes arrows too much.”

“Rows,” Lian chirped, looking around for the objects. Jade shook her head and smoothed down her hair.

“Not yet, kid. Not until you’re three.”

“Jade.”

“Fine, six.”

“Doesn’t that terrify you?” Roy asked, opening up the water bottle and taking a long drink. When he finished, he wiped his mouth and looked back at Lian. He’d been right, she was starting to fall asleep. “She’s going to have both our skill sets. She’ll be a menace.”

Jade held her daughter closer, unable to answer. There were plenty of things that terrified her; Lian taking their mantle wasn’t one of them.

--

“I think she’s growing less ginger by the day.”

“Shut up, Dad.” Jade watched Lian climb the steps to the slide, keeping a careful eye in case she should fall. They were the only ones in the park, but she was always on alert. Her father sitting on the bench beside her certainly didn’t help. Oddly enough, he was watching after Lian just as intently as she was.

“How’s the clone?”

“None of your concern.” He was going by Will, now. Artemis had moved in with them six months ago, so her and Will decided it was time to purchase a house. They chose Star City, figuring it was only right to come full circle. Lian adored their new home almost as much as she adored having her aunt and Brucely around full time.

After a little while, Lawrence sighed and broke his gaze away from Lian, instead looking directly at Jade. “How long do you think you can keep this up, little girl? You can’t play house forever.”

Jade narrowed her eyes, refusing to meet his gaze and instead continuing to watch as Lian slid down the slide and squealed in glee.

“Jade.”

“I don’t want to hear it.”

“Jade, they’ll find out. You may be an idiot, but you’re not stupid enough to think that they’ll never come after you.”

He was right. It hurt all the more, coming from him. Lian clambered off the slide and immediately went to the steps to go again. She’d just turned two last week.

“I don’t want to leave them.”

“You don’t have a choice, little girl. You made your bed when you betrayed them. Now you have to live with it. It’s either you, or them, Jade.”

“There has to be another way,” Jade insisted, finally looking at her father. His expression bore the same sourness it usually did, but it lacked the mocking malice it often carried with it.

“Not this time, Jade. If you want them safe, you have to go back.”

She turned her head away so he wouldn’t see the tears burning in her eyes. Lian cheered again as she flew down the slide. When she finished, she ran up to Jade, grinning ear to ear. “Mommy! See me? See?” she chirped.

Jade nodded but found herself unable to smile. “I did, Li. I did.”

--

Will slept beside her, his arm heavy on her waist. He’d taken her and Lian to see his new office today. Bowhunter Security, he called it. If she hadn’t been so distraught at what she was about to do, she would have told him how proud of him she was. He had everything he ever needed here. A home, a family, and now a business.

She was about to destroy everything.

Carefully, she untangled herself from his hold, going slow so she wouldn’t wake him up. The last thing she wanted was a confrontation. He wouldn’t forgive her either way, but at least this way she wouldn’t have to see his face. When she was out of the bed, she plucked her duffle bag out from under it and went to the kitchen to get dressed.

Brucely stirred as she entered the kitchen and padded up to her. She didn’t particularly care for the dog, but she gave it a gentle pat to try and convince him to go back to sleep. It worked. He wasn’t too much of a barker, so she wasn’t worried on that front. It was odd getting dressed in front of a dog, but what could she do? She couldn’t risk waking anyone up.

The baseball cap felt heavier than it ever had before. She kept telling herself that this was the right thing to do, that she was doing it for them. Lian and Will would have each other, that was what mattered. They had each other, and Artemis and the dog and all their friends. Jade was just extra, they would be just fine without her there. Lian was young, she would forget her mother in a few months. Artemis would serve as a good enough, maybe even better, replacement.

Jade hoisted her duffel on her shoulder and went to say goodbye to her daughter. It was likely that she’d wake her up, but it didn’t matter. She wanted to hold her one last time, lost in her own thoughts, just as she had on the night she was born. Jade opened the door to Lian’s room, her heart aching at how lavish it was. Will and her had given Lian everything she would need outside of spoiling her, both of them agreeing to give Lian the childhood they never had.

Her daughter slept peacefully in her new bed. She’d outgrown the crib a few weeks ago. It made things easier now. Jade set the duffel on the floor and crawled in beside her, lifting Lian up into her arms and holding her tight against her chest. Just as expected, the toddler stirred. “Mommy..?” she mumbled.

“It’s okay, Li. It’s just me. Mommy missed you.”

Lian yawned and nodded, resting her head against Jade. “Mommy okay?”

Jade nodded, running her fingers through her auburn hair. No, she would never be okay. Not with this. “Yeah. Don’t you worry,” she whispered, kissing her head sweetly.

“Okay. Love you.” Within moments, she was asleep again, her hand clutching onto her mother’s shirt. Jade ran She was better off without her. Will was all she would need. He and her sister would make sure that she was safe and taken care of. They’d make sure she was loved, and protected at all costs. Jade would be doing her part, but from the outside.

All that mattered was that they were alive, and safe. If that meant removing herself from the equation, so be it. Not a day would go by that she wouldn’t think about her, but it wouldn’t matter. Lian was more important, she was her life now. She’d do whatever it took to protect her.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket; Lawrence was waiting for her outside.

If there was ever a time to cry, it would have been as she tucked Lian back into bed, alone. Jade was past tears now. She’d made her choice, and it was the right one. Jade bent down and kissed Lian’s head one last time, her fingers still buried in her hair.

I love you. So much.

Jade thought it, but she couldn’t bring herself to say it. If Lian woke up again, she’d never leave her. She straightened up, Lian’s hair slipping through her fingers as she pulled away. Without looking back, she picked up her duffel and opened the window, climbing through with relative ease.

She met Lawrence at the end of the street. His face pinched in annoyance as she finally arrived. “Took you long enough,” he muttered.

Jade narrowed her eyes, pushing away the thoughts of the sleeping family she’d left behind. “You mentioned a new partner?”

“They won’t be easy on you. You’ve gotten yourself quite a reputation, little girl,” he noted, shoving his hands in his pockets as he began to walk.

Jade lowered the baseball cap over her eyes. “Do they know?”

“Not the specifics. You’ll have to be careful.”

“So I can’t come back.”

“No, Jade.”

Jade nodded, resisting the urge to look back at the house. It wouldn’t do her any good. When it was safe, she’d come back to see her again from a distance. Maybe she’d run into Artemis, get her to tell her something about her daughter. It would have to be good enough.

“Then let’s get it done.”

[kee-writestrashh]

Guns for Hire

Ramsay Bolton x Reader

ao3

Summary:  You are the wife to the Heir of the Red Kings, Ramsay Bolton. living the undercover life of a mob wife has its perks, and you love your husband. But you find out something that seems to unfold a series of unwanted events… 

Chapter 47: March Madness

"So, you're not nervous about tomorrow?" You asked, watching your father closely, determined to detect the fear.

He gave a small shrug, "It's out of my hands. The Lord will see me through it."

Ramsay dropped his head to stare at his lap, biting the malicious grin back.

You pinched his hip with your nails, but his smirk only grew.

"Well, I will be there when you wake up. Besides, you have a grandson to teach bad habits to." You said, giving a smile to your father.

"You say that like your grandfather taught you bad habits." Your father chuckled.

"Of course not." You grinned, "only how to spit, cuss, and shotgun a beer can."

"Dad was always good at that." Your mother laughed.

"You're awfully quiet, Ramsay." Eli said across the table, finally turning away from Jeyne.

Ramsay brought his eyes up to give a sweeping glance around the table and shrugged. "Just tired. Been sick."

"My daughter has been good to you? She was always rather mean to Eli when he was sick." Your mother said, giving you a wink.

You gave a derisive snort, "oh whatever. You just babied him too much. Someone had to be mean to him."

"(Y/n), you would threaten to take him around the back of the barn with the twenty two and put him out of his misery." Your mother cried.

"Yeah. I think buckshot would of been more effective." You laughed, beaming at Eli who rolled his eyes at you.

"Well..." Ramsay said slowly, giving you a smirk, "she didn't offer me that option. I might have taken her up on it."

"Anyways, mom, Jeyne and I have set a date. April seventh." Eli said, ears a brilliant shade of red.

"I will be sure to let everyone know. Ruth text me today asking, actually." Your mother said excitedly. "Now, only one more date to set up." She looked between you and Ramsay, "Baby shower."

You gave a small groan, "mom, I don't know! I have too much going on. I'll let you know after I get the bar up and going. But until then, I have no time to worry about anything else."

"Does that include eating?" She asked sternly.

Slightly taken aback you frowned, looking down at your belly, "What are you talking about? I eat all the damn time."

"You're looking a bit underweight for as far along as you are."

"My doctor hasn't told me other wise." You said, getting defensive.

"And when did you see her last?" She asked with a steely glare.

"Well, it's been a couple weeks." You said, trying to remember. "I have an appointment Wednesday afternoon."

"You need to start taking it easy, or you'll end up on bed rest. Your bar can't be more important than your health, or your child's health."

You gave a heated glare at your mother. You knew she meant well, but her words were not what you needed to hear right now. Regardless of how true they were.

"Yes ma'am." You finally said, dropping your eyes.

You hugged your family as you walked with them to the parking lot. Catching your father twice.

"Better not give the doctors shit." You whispered, hugging him tight.

"I won't baby. It'll all be okay." He whispered back, giving you a tight squeeze before letting you go.

"I'll call you when I get to the hospital, so I can sit with mom. Love you guys." You smiled, turning back to Ramsay who stood rigid beside you, gazing at two men who were waiting at your jeep.

You grabbed Eli's hand, keeping him in place until your parents disappeared in their truck. Finally you dropped your brother's hand and grabbed Ramsay's.

Eli fell in step with you, Jeyne on your heels.

"Don't guess you have a gun?" Ramsay muttered to Eli.

"No." Eli responded as the four of you neared the men.

"Where's yours, baby doll?"

"Floorboard. In my purse." You said in a small voice as the smaller man pushed off your hood and walked out to meet your group.

"Bastard." The man said, sneering at Ramsay. You realized it was Locke. The psychic's words making your chest tight and heart drop.

"Very witty." Ramsay said acidly, dropping your hand. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Your father wants a cut of what you hauled in today." Locke said, rubbing his hands together expectantly.

"Then tell my father he is more than welcome to come collect it from me, on his own. But I don't take orders from the likes of you." Ramsay growled.

You felt a hand grab your wrist and give a tug. You gave a small glance to see it was Eli. You pulled your hand away.

Locke gave a nasty laugh, revealing his yellow teeth, "You don't know the position in which you have found yourself. The Mad Dog, the Dog's bitch, and a little pup on the way." He ran his eyes longingly over your chest.

"Get the fuck out of here, Locke. I know you aren't here on father's orders. I've already spoken to him today. And if you ever look at my wife like that again, you will no longer have eyes. I will make you eat them." Ramsay hissed, pulling his gun.

Locke ran his tongue over his top teeth and held his hands up in surrender "alright, Bastard. But, you've been warned."

"The fuck?" Eli asked as Locke and the second man stalked away.

"Don't worry about it. They must be bored." Ramsay frowned, putting gun away again and turning to Eli, "This really goes against my better judgement, but I need a ride."

"Bit late." Damon smirked, opening the front door.

"Shut it. I'm crashing here tonight. Some things came up. I will explain later." Ramsay snapped, shoving past Damon.

You turned to Eli and Jeyne, "sorry to drag you into being a chauffeur. Thank you, bro. Jeyne, we need to chill sometime. I'd like to get to know my soon to be sister in law. Maybe this weekend or next?"

"I'm sure I can manage that." Jeyne smiled, lacing her hand in Eli's.

"Y'all be safe. Let me know when you get back on post." You called after them with a wave as they climbed back in the car.

You turned and entered the house. Ramsay was sitting on the edge of the couch, elbows on his knees, and typing away furiously on his phone. Face strained and cigarette hanging from his lips.

You sat beside him, running your hand across his shoulders.

"I'm sorry." You whispered.

"Why?" He asked, looking up from his phone.

"Because that douche is so full of himself he thinks he can call you a bastard and get away with it. I have added him to my list." You said gently.

Ramsay huffed, "soon, baby girl."

Hopefully Ramsay struck quicker than this Locke guy. He had some fucking nerve.

"How'd he know about the robbery?" You asked, sliding your shoes off with a yawn.

"Word travels fast in our community." Ramsay shrugged, rising from the couch and walking into the kitchen.

You glanced over at Damon and Charlotte who had both gone back to their show.

You followed him, watching him pour a glass of whiskey. He took a long drink and pulled a face as he set the glass down on the counter.

You stepped into him, wrapping your arms around him tightly.

"Remember the first time you asked me to dance?" You asked with a fond grin.

He gave a small chuckle, "that I do. It took me a good day to plan it out. Had to go through that damn playlist and time everything just right."

You rested your cheek on his chest and closed your eyes with a big smile.

"I love you, Ramsay."

"I love you too, doll." He hummed, wrapping his arms around you, and swaying with you slowly.

"Why?" You asked, holding onto him tighter.

"I've told you." He replied, resting his chin on the crown of your head. "You need to go to bed."

You held back the yawn with great difficulty.

"Only if you tuck me in and come to bed soon." You finally said.

"I can't promise that. I need to talk with Dame."  He said, glancing at the kitchen door.

"I can hang. And someone needs to go by the house and let Moose out. And feed him." You said, rubbing your eye and then groaning as you remembered you were wearing makeup.

"I'll send the kid. I'm sure he's out driving around anyways." Ramsay said, grabbing his glass, and nudging you to return to the living room.

"So, what happened?" Damon asked, rising from his seat to grab his gaming remote.

"Locke showed up after dinner. He knew which vehicle was ours. So I figured he placed a tracker on it. And if he was watching, I didn't want to risk the safe house. So came here. What's he supposed to be doing? Pull his shit up." Ramsay said, laying out on the couch and resting his head in your lap.

You stroked his hair, and toyed with his ear.

Damon pulled his laptop from under the couch, and opened it up.

"What he say?" Damon asked, lighting a cigarette.

"Said that father wanted a cut of what we got today. Fucking cunt. Made eyes at my wife." Ramsay said bitterly, pushing his head further in your lap.

"Hm... feeling froggy was he?" Damon hummed.

"Yeah, 'bout to knock his ass off that fucking high horse he thinks he's on. Given me shit for the last ten years. My patience is wearing thin."

You said nothing for a long time, but simply sat there watching Damon and Ramsay play games.

"Baby, I need my purse. It's got my gun and my phone. I need my phone. Mom is supposed to call in the morning when dad goes back for surgery." You said, feeling slightly panicky for some reason.

"Okay, doll. I'll send someone to get it." Ramsay said, setting his controller on the ground and closing his eyes.

You continued to stroke his hair until you felt his breathing coming deep and peaceful. His body was feeling warm again.

"Sorry to burden y'all tonight." You said quietly, looking up at Damon and Charlotte.

"No worries, (y/n). I have some clothes that will fit, if you want." Charlotte said with a warm smile.

"It's okay. I'll just steal Ramsay's shirt for the night." You yawned.

"Sure? It's no big deal."

You nodded, drawing in a sharp gasp.

"Rams." You whispered, nudging him.

He didn't move.

"Ramsay wake up. Hurry!" You said urgently.

"What's up?" He grunted, shifting his head slightly.

"Place your hand on my belly! Hurry!"

He pressed his cheek against your belly instead. After a couple moments he opened his eyes, pressing his cheek further into your stomach and sitting as still as he could to feel his son moving.

"Fuck." He whispered, looking up at you.

"Isn't it amazing?!" You whispered excitedly taking in the small sparkle behind his tired eyes.

×××

"Dude, that's your mom?" Alyn asked, watching the redhead walk out the door with a giggly, stoned Tyene.

"Yeah, what of it?" Matt said, giving Alyn a hard look.

"I'm totally gonna bang her. Might even make you call me dad." He chuckled.

Matt went red in the face, and without warning flung himself on Alyn.

You nudged Ramsay, who sat there watching Matt lay into Alyn with a gleeful smirk.

"Stop it." You hissed at your husband. He gave you a look, rolled his eyes, set his glass down, and pulled Matt off Alyn.

Alyn remained on the floor, pinching his bleeding nose and laughed.

"Does the carpet match the drapes? I mean I'm fucking her either way, but I love when they're natural."

"You're a piece of shit!" Matt raged, struggling against Ramsay, who shoved him in a chair.

"Got some quick hands there kid. You should come spar with me at the gym." Ramsay chuckled, sitting on Matt.

"Get off, man!" Matt hissed, pushing on Ramsay.

"Calm down kid and I'll get up. But don't get upset. So what if Alyn fucks your mom? It's not like he's some fucking stranger. I'll make him be good to her. He's not really a freak. He a heart throbbing romantic."

Matt heaved a sigh, but quit struggling. Ramsay got up and resumed his seat beside you. He pulled you into him and buried his face in your hair.

You watched Matt stand up and hold his hand out to Alyn. Alyn took Matt's hand and let him pull him up. Alyn clapped him on the shoulder and gave a grin.

"No hard feelings, kid."

The saying that March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb was holding true this year. One week into the month and thunderstorms had raked the city. But, it was nice. The weather was warming nicely and the opening day for your bar was drawing ever closer.

Your father's surgery went without problems and your mother said he was recovering fine. He was just restless and irritable because he had to be still for longer than ten seconds. It was driving him crazy.

It was as if your mother had seen you getting sick, because your doctor had fussed about your drop in weight, but you really weren't sure what to do, you ate all day it seemed. Ramsay had apparently given you his cold, but it was much harder on your pregnant body than it had been on him.

You sniffed, frowning at the empty tissue box on the coffee table in front if you. You pulled the blanket tighter around you with a small groan.

"Hey, lil' mama." Tyene's voice said brightly from the kitchen.

You groaned, pulling the blanket up over your head.

"Matt and I are here with some pick-me-ups." Tyene said, her voice quieter now that she was near you.

You heard a plastic bag set on the coffee table, and slowly pulled the blanket down from your eyes.

"Mama made some chicken noodle soup for you, and we picked up more Kleenex, and Matt nicked some meds from the pharmacy to help with your nausea. Don't worry, I made sure they are safe for pregnancy. And more Tylenol." Tyene said, taking a seat beside you. You pulled your legs up to give her more room. "Oh, and Ramsay gave me your favorite ice cream combination, if you feel up to eating ice cream. Matt out it up when we came in."

You gave a weak smile, "You guys are the best."

"So you're not feeling any better?" She asked giving you a sympathetic smile. "Matt! Get a spoon!"

Matt entered a few moments later with a spoon and Moose. You sat up, taking the spoon and pulling the container of chicken noodle soup. You opened it and gave a sniff.

"Oh my god. This smells wonderful. But, no... I feel like shit. Everything hurts, and the baby keeps playing acrobat. I can't get comfortable, or sleep very long when I do." You sighed, taking a bite of the soup. It was like it warmed your soul. "Any idea where Rams is?"

Matt shook his head, "Said something about Theon, but that was it."

"Of course. I'm about ready to go and just kill him. I'm tired of Ramsay cheating on me with him."

Tyene snorted, flipping on the TV and pulling her phone out.

There was silence for awhile, as Tyene played on her phone, you ate your soup, and Matt played with Moose.

Moose had grown by leaps and bounds. You were afraid he would knock you over in his puppy excitement. He already reached your chest with his front paws when he would jump up on you. But he was a sweetheart, much to Ramsay's disappointment. You were glad, he didn't make you worry about how he would act once your son was born. He liked to rest his massive head on your belly when Baby B was being active inside you.

Tyene pulled a bottle of soda from the bag and was taking a sip when she gasped and choked.

"What?" You asked, feeling a bit afraid.

"Mkay, so check it. Lannister murder trial. Don't know if you've been keeping up. Anyways, papa is very interested in it. Even took the stand to vouch for the mini one. Well apparently, sometime last night Tyrion was released from his cell and... killed Tywin! Tywin Lannister is dead!" Tyene said, eyes running back and forth over her phone screen as she read and reread the article.

"Well that trial was shit. I know Tyrion didn't do it. We all do. But I hope he was the one who killed his bitch ass father. What a blow to them. The whole organization is going to crumble without his iron fist. There's about to be chaos in the streets. We need to be careful. I wonder if Ramsay knows?" You said, sipping the soup juice slowly, pondering the information.

"Maybe it's the break we have all been needing. I need to go. Matt, take me home?" Tyene said, standing quickly and pocketing her phone.

"Yeah, sure." Matt said, standing too. He gave you a glance, "Need anything?"

"No, thank you. You both have done so much already. I'll be good until Rams gets home. Y'all be safe." You smiled. Matt nodded, took Tyene's hand, and they both left.

You finished your soup in silence, blindly watching whatever the hell this was on TV. Moose sat, staring at you, waiting on you to give him the okay to get up on the couch. You grinned at him. You set the bowl down and adjusted your blanket.

"Well come on, you monster." You coaxed.

Moose crawled up on the couch with you and buried his head in your blanket.

You stroked his back, closing your eyes, "I think Kira woulda liked you...."

"Baby girl, how are you feeling?" Ramsay asked gently.

You opened your eyes a bit to find Ramsay kneeling down beside you. He placed his cold hand to your hot cheek. It was almost painful as the two temperatures met.

"I'm okay." You muttered through a dry mouth, closing your tired eyes again.

"I'm going to give the mutt a bath and then I'll make you dinner."

"I'm not hungry, baby." You sighed.

"I didn't ask." He said sternly.

"Yes sir." You mumbled, rolling over away from him.

You were drifting back off into sleep when suddenly you were back in the graveyard. This time it was pouring rain. You stood there staring at a headstone, the soft earth of freshly packed dirt, thick and muddy on your shoes...

No! It's just a dream. Wake up, (y/n)!

You sat up with a yelp, looking around quickly.

"What's wrong?" Ramsay asked, standing in the kitchen doorway.

You gave a relieved sigh, and placed your hand on your belly, "nothing. Just a bad dream. Sorry to scare you."

"Well, get up. Dinner is ready. And after I'll help you bathe." Ramsay replied, disappearing back into the kitchen.

With blankets still pulled tight around you, you slowly made your way to the kitchen, pushing the muscle aches away.

You picked at your dinner with a frown.

"Might as well just eat. You aren't leaving until I'm satisfied." Ramsay finally said, popping the top if his beer can.

"Did you see about the Lannister's?" You asked, glancing up at your husband.

"Mhm. Damon told me, earlier. Waiting to hear what my father says on the matter."

"Why?" You asked before you could stop yourself.

"Why what?" He asked, crinkling his brow.

"Nothing." You said, busying yourself with your food.

"You know,  I'm not always impulsive. I'm not an idiot. I wait and watch before I make my move. Most of the time." Ramsay said, rising from his seat and stretching deeply.

"I know baby, just wondered why your father's opinion mattered?" You said slowly.

"Oh, it doesn't. Just curious." He shrugged, "Aren't you supposed to be setting up interviews?"

"Yeah, Oly has done a few. If I feel better tomorrow I'll go help. All of our furniture and appliances will be here in a few days. Ah, I'm so excited, baby!"

"Well, don't overdo it. Lemme help you get clean and get you in bed."

You followed Ramsay down the hall to the bathroom.

He took your blanket, "Get undressed."

You pulled your shirt off as Ramsay left the room with the blanket.

"I know they say you shouldn't have a bath while pregnant. But you look like you need one. I'm sure one bath won't hurt you." Ramsay said, rolling his sleeves up and running his warm hands over your chill bumps.

You gave a nod.

"Why are you sweet like this sometimes?" You asked, as Ramsay helped dry your skin. Finally, feeling better and not fevered for the first time in three days.

"Because I love you." Ramsay smirked, kissing your forehead.

"I feel like there has to be a catch that will someday bite me in the ass." You said with a small grin.

"And why would I mistreat the mother of my son?" He chuckled.

"And what is your son's name?" Hoping to catch him unawares so he would tell you.

"Due time, doll." He whispered in your ear as he led you to the bedroom.

"Please tell me. It's killing me. I want to start calling him by his name." You pouted.

"Due time." He chuckled as he pulled the blankets back from the bed and helped you climb in, "I'll be right back."

He came back with your blanket and piled it on you. Fresh out of the dryer.

"You are the best." You hummed appreciatively, pulling the warm blanket in closer.

"Well I'm about to get a whole lot better." He smirked, stripping off his shirt and crawling under your blankets.

You pushed your head back into your pillow and closed your eyes tight as he kissed up your thigh with warm, gentle kisses.

"This is definitely going to come back and bite me in the ass." You giggled, as he ran his scruffy jaw over your skin.

"Really though, why do you think that?" He asked, biting at your skin.

"Because that's what you do, baby. You let me fall into this false security that you're a gentle, loving husband, and then..." You began, losing your words as he shoved his tongue inside you.

"You hurt my feelings, baby girl. You are the world to me." He hummed, running his tongue over your folds.

"Will you love me?" You asked, tangling your hands in his hair.

"I can't." He whispered, pushing his tongue in you again.

"You can. Please baby." You panted, desire and warm comfort beginning to form.

"Just hush and let me do my thing or I may cause pain." He growled.

You moaned, arching your back as he fucked you slowly with his tongue. You clawed at his shoulder as your high began to mount quickly.

It was going to happen a lot quicker than you wanted. But it just felt so good, after being sick for days.

You dug your nails into his shoulder, "Baby. I'm... oh god." You sighed in a strangled voice as he lapped atg your wetness, pushing his face further between your legs.

The air left your chest as you tried to swallow the moan and felt your body tense and relax as you buzzing high hit you. You gave a violent shiver and let out a small laugh.

Ramsay pulled away from you with a small squelching sound as he smacked his lips.

"Hurry up and get better so you can repay the favor." He chuckled, untangling himself from the blankets.

He laid beside you, staring up at the ceiling. You stared at him. Watching him lick what was left of you off of his mouth.

"Do you believe in psychics?" You asked, remembering your nightmare.

He snorted in amusement, "No. Just a bunch of weird, lucky guess work. I believe in nothing."

You sighed, "Yeah, I guess."

×××

"Well, that's it. That's all of them." Olyvar said, checking off the last application.

"I think our staff will be awesome." You said, beaming at Tyene and Olyvar, standing from your seat. The two Kings men Roose had sent to be employed at your bar left through the front doors without a word to you. You saw them milling around under the awning, smoking, and exchanging words.

"Oh my God! This is so exciting!" You practically squealed, hugging Olyvar tight. "Two and a half weeks!"

You heard your phone ring across the room. You slowly made your way across the freshly polished floors with a wide smile, fingering the new stools and tables.

Your new bar was perfect in every sense. your phone rang again. You picked it up.

Rams.

"Hey baby." you said with a smile.

"(y/n)! where are you?!" he shouted on the other end.

Your smile dropped, "the bar, we..."

"Who is there?" he cut across you.

"Me, Oly, Tyene, and a couple of your fathers men."

"Fucking christ. Baby girl, listen to me. Get out of there. Now. Don't let the kings see you. I am sending you an address, get to it, asap. You have twenty minutes."

There was a click.

Panic bit at your throat as you swallowed. You had never heard Ramsay sound panicked at anything before. A message popped up bringing you back to the world as your phone dinged and vibrated in your hand.

"Oly, Ty, we need to leave. Now." you whispered, glancing around, pulling your gun from your purse.

"What's wrong?" Olyvar asked, as they hurried to your side.

"I don't know, but Rams said not to let the kings see us. through the side. come on." you said, seeing the two men out the front window.

Tyene helped you into your jeep and you turned the motor over.

"Put this address in your phone." you said, shoving your phone at Olyvar, setting your gun in your lap, as Tyene closed her door behind you.

Ramsay rushed you when you walked in. He tangled his hands in your hair and pulled you close.

"Any problems? Were you followed?" he whispered, kissing your forehead.

You shook your head as he pulled away from you, his body shaking slightly against you.

You took him in. Covered in blood. Realizing he had been shot in the leg.

"Oh baby!" You cried, quickly running your eyes over the rest of him.

"It's fine. I'll have it taken care of." He said dismissively, but a deep grimace on his face.

"Baby, what's going on?" You asked looking around.

"Matt!" Tyene cried, running over to Matt who was half laying on a couch, groaning in pain, clutching his arm.

"I don't know yet. But shit just went fucking stupid." Ramsay said, pulling you into him again.

Ben walked in, looking exhausted and upset. He gave Ramsay a small nod, "We recovered him before anyone else could get to him." His voice was strained and sounded as if he were battling tears as he cleared his throat and looked away from Ramsay, crossing over to Matt and Tyene.

"Where's Alyn?" you asked.

"Having bullets dug out of him." Ramsay replied in a small voice that did not sound like him at all.

You heard screaming from another room.

"Damon?"

Ramsay said nothing, dropping his head slightly.

You gasped, grabbing his face and forcing him to look at you, "Baby, where is Damon?"

You felt his jaw lock under your hands, as he brought his eyes to yours. Still, he said nothing.

[iconicstyles]

Nanny Wanted

Harry is a single father who gave up his career when his son was born. He doesn’t regret it but he decides he needs a little help. He decides to hire a nanny. 

When Harry was younger he always dreamed about becoming famous. He was seven when he told his father who promptly told him he shouldn’t get his hopes up. For most of his life he still thought about being a star. He used to sing around the house especially when his mother bought him a karaoke machine for Christmas. Right after his fifteenth birthday he got his chance to make his dream come true, he auditioned for X-Factor. Everything after that was a blur, from being eliminated but then put into a group with four other boys. Next thing he knew One Direction was formed and his life would never be the same.

Harry had gotten what he wanted. He was famous, known all over the world. He had more money than he knew what to do with, so why wasn’t he happy? When Harry pictured being famous he didn’t expect everything that came with it. He knew about the screaming girls and false rumors. What surprised him was the invasion of privacy, not being able to go anywhere without his picture taken, and the worst part was not knowing who to trust. He had to be guarded at all times, he never knew who was going to try and take advantage of him. Then one night he was out in his hometown. He was around friends so he decided to have a drink. Next thing he knew he was being dragged to a girl’s apartment. When he woke up the next morning he instantly regretted what he had done. He recognized the girl, she was friends with a few of his childhood schoolmates but that didn’t make the night before right. He promptly gathered his clothes and left.

Two months later Harry had forgotten his one night stand until she called him. “I’m pregnant.” Was all she said.

Two words stunned him. How could he be so stupid? He was only twenty two, One Direction just announced their break and he was getting ready to start his solo projects. Sucking up his pride he offered any kind of assistance he could. Of course the girl, Vanessa he quickly learned, was more than happy for him to take care of her financially. He offered to come to each doctor’s appointment, to pick out a crib, and set up the nursery but she shut him down. “I’ll send you the bill.” She snapped.

Harry wanted to go off on her, how dare she try to alienate him from this? His mother heard all about his frustrations. “Harry, if you want to be apart of the child’s life then you have to bite your tongue and do what she says.”

“That doesn’t seem fair. If she’s doing this to me now how do I know she won’t do it when the baby is actually here?”

“You don’t but if that’s the case then you’ll have to take legal action.”

Almost every day leading up to the birth Harry was talking to his lawyer. He was ready to do whatever it took to be apart of his child’s life. He had saved every text message between him and Vanessa. He had recorded phone calls just in case no one believed the texts. He was ready and then she actually called him to tell him she was in labor. Right after his twenty third birthday Harry became a father to a beautiful baby boy. Grayson Edward Styles, it took some convincing for Vanessa to give the baby his last name. While Vanessa slept Harry looked at his son. He had always heard you never understood how a parent felt until you had one of your own. It was instant love, he knew he would do anything for his child.

After Grayson was born Harry’s life changed even more. He decided he wanted to be around whenever Vanessa would let him see Grayson. His solo career was put on hold. Instead he focused on songwriting and producing. He moved out of his mansion in the middle of London to a private, gated property in the country. Life was totally different and he had to make the best of it.

Grayson was around six months old when Harry received a call from Vanessa. “Look...I thought I could do this but...I can’t.”

“What are you talking about?” Harry asked.

“Being a mother! I’m not ready for this I-I can’t..” She cried. “He won’t stop crying! No matter what I do! I’m so tired...I just can’t.”

With a deep breath Harry began talking her down. After an hour long conversation Vanessa agreed to bring Grayson over. When she arrived he was surprised to see her with more stuff than usual. “Here, take him,” She muttered, handing Harry the car seat. “You’ll never hear from me again. I don’t want your money, I don’t want anything but my life back.”

“You’re serious? You’re just going to leave him without a mother?” Harry was shocked, sure he was happy to have his son full time but not like this.

Vanessa scoffed. “He doesn’t need me, he’s got Harry Styles for a dad. You can do more for him than I ever could.”

And with that she was gone. Harry was left alone with the tiny baby and his life was going to change even more. “Well, bug, it looks like it’s just you and me now.” Harry whispered, gently unbuckling the baby.

Now Grayson was four years old and is Harry’s mini-me. Dark chocolate curls with bright green eyes and a constant smile on his tiny face. “Can we have macaroni and cheese?” Grayson asked.

“Maybe tomorrow, bug, tonight I’m cooking us some chicken and veggies.”

Grayson pouted, crossing his arms which didn’t go unnoticed by his father. “Hey now, put the lip away. You want to grow big and strong like your old man, huh?”

“Will I be tall like you?”

“I think so, but you won’t if you don’t eat all of your broccoli.”

“Ok, daddy.” Grayson murmured, still not totally happy about eating his vegetables.

Harry and Grayson had their own little routine. Now with Grayson in pre-school Harry was left at home to get all his work done before picking up his son in the afternoon. Songwriting kept him busy nowadays. Over the past four years he’s written songs for some of the top artists in the industry. He wanted to try more producing but building a recording studio was put on the backburner when Grayson moved in. “Harry, do you ever miss performing?” His sister asked one day.

Harry stopped loading the laundry to stare at Gemma. Dropping the clothes he sighed. “Of course, I do, Gem. I loved performing but I love being a father more.”

“Plenty of singers perform and have families, love.” Anne frowned.

“Yeah but those singers have the help from their spouse to take care of their kids.” Harry snapped. He would never regret taking his son from Vanessa but some part of him was bitter she was able to walk away without a care while he was left taking on all the responsibility himself.

“But you have us to help you.” Gemma argued.

“I could never ask that of either of you. Gemma, you’re working in London most of the time and mum, you have your own life back in Holmes Chapel. No, he’s my son, I’m going to take care of him.”

“Well why don’t you hire a nanny?” Anne asked.

“And trust my son with some stranger?”

“No, absolutely not, there’s an agency you can go through. It will be someone well researched and you can set the schedule however you like.”

“I-I don’t know.”

“Harry, you do so much, let someone help you.”

Sighing to himself Harry finally nodded. “I’ll think about it.”

Later on that night, after Grayson was put down Harry began thinking about his conversation with his mother and sister. Ever since Grayson was a baby he had taken on the role of father head on. He was always doing stuff for his son and he wouldn’t have it any other way but he had given up so much as well. Even though his family helped as much as they could he had done everything himself. Would it be so bad to let himself help him? How would Grayson react? Grabbing his phone he called his manager. “Hey, do you think you could help me find a nanny?”

Harry didn’t talk to Grayson about it. He had no idea how his four year old would react to the thought of a stranger person suddenly working in their house. One day while Grayson was spending some time with his grandparents Harry had the potential nannies come to the house for an interview. After the first three candidates he was sure he made a mistake. The first was an older woman who reminded him of a witch with her long nose and boil on her forehead. “Grayson would be terrified of her.” He mumbled after she left.

The next instantly recognized him and just talked about One Direction and being a huge fan. “I don’t trust fangirls around my son.”

Then the last came to the interview intoxicated. He didn’t even let that one step foot in his house. “What the hell am I doing?” He asked himself running a hand through his hair.

Around two in the afternoon the final candidate arrived. When Harry opened the door his eyes widened slightly. It was a woman around his age. She wore a black dress that reached to her knees with a floral scarf. She was smiling making her eyes almost sparkle. “Hello, I’m not late am I?” She asked, her voice not what he expected.

“Uh no, not at all,” He stammered. “You’re American?”

She chuckled. “Yeah, I know, my accent sure sticks out around here.” He could see the faint blush on her cheeks.

“Its nice,” He quickly said. “Come in.”

Stepping aside he let her pass him into his home. From behind he was able to watch her a little more. With her heeled boots she reached just about to his shoulder. Her long hair reached to the middle of her back in soft ringlets. She had on just a bit of makeup but otherwise seemed fresh. “Your home is beautiful.” She spoke again.

“Thank you, uh, I probably should have introduced myself earlier. My name is Harry.” He said, holding out his hand.

Taking it in her smaller hand she smiled. “I’m Y/N, it’s nice to meet you.”

“You as well,” He mumbled. Scratching the back of his neck he asked. “Should we sit?”

Leading her through the house into his dining room he took a seat on one side while she sat on the other. “So...how long have you been a nanny?”

“Almost a year now.” She answered. “I used to work for a real estate agency but soon realized it just wasn’t for me.”

“So why be a nanny?”

“To be honest I started because I really needed a job. I used to babysit in high school so I thought it would be an easy job for me.”

“How long have you lived in England?”

“Three years, I spent a year abroad here when I was in college and I just loved it. When I graduated I knew I wanted to live here.”

“I was wondering how an American girl ended up here.”

“Yeah, my parents didn’t like it at first but I’m happy here so that’s all that matters.”

Nodding his head Harry thought over all the other questions he had asked the other nannies. He had known pretty quickly none of them were right but this one he had a good feeling about. She was kind, warm, and she had a great report from the agency. “So how often would you be available?”

“Well, whenever you need me, really. I have to take a train to get here from my apartment but other than that I’m just on call.”

“I really just need someone through the week to pick Grayson up from school. Maybe do some housework. I may be going from here to London for work here soon so you would just need to be here with him while I’m away.”

“I can do that, whatever you need, Mr. Styles.”

“Please, call me Harry.” He insisted. “And how soon can you start?”

“Well, ok, Harry, and whenever you need me.”

The next day was Saturday giving Harry the weekend to explain to Grayson their upcoming situation. “But, Daddy, I thought you said I shouldn’t talk to strangers?” He questioned as he pushed a pumpkin cookie cutter into the fresh dough in front of him.

“I did, and you still need to remember that, but this is different. Y/N is someone who is going to watch over you while I work?”

“So you’re gonna sing again?”

Grayson was well aware of his father’s former career. His aunt had shown him videos of Harry on stage performing his heart out. Even though Harry may not perform anymore that didn’t mean he didn’t sing around the house. When Grayson was two years old he wouldn’t go to sleep at night until Harry sang him a lullaby.

“I don’t know yet, Bug, I’m thinking about it.”

“I wish you would, I like it when you sing.”

“I like it too, Bug.” Harry whispered, running his hand through Grayson’s hair. “Let’s finish up and get these in the oven, ok? She’s going to come by tomorrow and meet you, will that be all right?”

Grayson nodded. “Can I have some before I have to go to bed?”

“Only two, I don’t want you getting a tummy ache before you go to sleep.”

The next day Harry woke up early in the morning to clean up the house. He and Grayson had left their baking sheets in the kitchen to soak leaving Harry to wash up before Grayson got out of bed. With the kitchen clean he fixed some oatmeal for himself and his son and went into the boy’s superhero themed bedroom. It still made him laugh how he and Grayson slept the same way, curled up into a ball with brown curls all over the pillow, only Grayson slept with a stuffed Spider-Man.

Running his hand over Grayson’s small head Harry whispered. “Bug...you ready to wake up?”

“Uh uh,” Grayson mumbled, burying his head deeper into the pillow.

“Oh, come on now,” Harry chuckled. “I have breakfast ready.”

Without a word Grayson released Spider-Man, holding his arms out for his father to pick him up. Laughing to himself Harry gently picked up the small boy from his bed to carry him into the kitchen. “Sleepyhead, I know I shouldn’t have let you have that third cookie. You probably didn’t fall asleep til midnight, huh?”

Harry smiled as his son grumbled something into his white T-shirt. After placing Grayson in his seat Harry placed the bowl in front of him. Slowly the boy began to eat, his mood slowly picking up. Once he was done Harry, along with Grayson who insisted on helping, washed the dishes. Harry washed as Grayson dried. “All done!” Grayson grinned.

“That’s right, all done,” Harry smiled, picking the boy up to carry him back into his bedroom. “You want to get dressed?”

“Can I pick?”

“Yes, you can pick, just as long as it has long sleeves ok? It’s going to be quite chilly today.”

Sitting back on the tiny bed Harry watched on as Grayson went from his dresser to his closet picking out his own clothes for the day. Of course, his socks didn’t match, he had to have a superhero shirt, and sweatpants. “Oi, the nanny is gonna think I dressed you in the dark.” He chuckled as he helped Grayson pull his shirt on.

“I like it.” His son smiled.

“Well then I like it too.” Harry agreed.

While Grayson played with his toys Harry went back into his room to get ready. Being a dad Harry had mastered the art of showering in record time. Even though his son was well behaved it was only a matter of time before he decided he needed a bigger canvas than his drawing pad. After drying off Harry pulled on a gray sweater and his regular black skinny jeans. As he was pulling his socks on he heard the doorbell ring. “I’ll be right there!” Harry called.

To his surprise he heard the door open. Running into the hall he stopped suddenly seeing Grayson coming towards him. “A lady is at the door but I know you told me not to talk to strangers.”

Harry had also told him not to open the door without his father present but he decided to let that one go for now. Walking into the living room he spotted Y/N standing outside with a small smile on her face. “He kind of opened the door and ran away.” She explained.

“Yeah, I promise I’ve told him not to open the door without me.” He sighed. “Come on in, Grayson, come here and meet Y/N.”

Without making a sound a tiny head peeked around the corner. Harry watched as Y/N crouched down so she was the same height as Grayson. “Hi, Grayson.” She smiled.

“Daddy said I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.”

“That’s very smart,” She nodded. “Well my name is Y/N, so now I won’t be a stranger anymore.”

“Ok!” Grayson beamed as he ran into the room.

“It’s nice to meet you, Grayson.”

“Do you want to play with my Legos?”

“I would love to.”

Harry watched on as Grayson dragged Y/N over to where he kept his Legos. He smiled hearing how excited his son was. Any fear he had of Grayson not accepting a nanny was gone. It also warmed his heart seeing Y/N interact with him. She was so warm, it was hard not to like her. It didn’t take long for Harry to realize he made the right choice. This was going to work. 

[folklore-musings]

Camera Shy Part 10

Summary: AU. Jughead is an aspiring photographer. His final project requires him to shoot nude photos of someone who inspires him. With no one else to ask Jughead asks Betty. Insecure of her body Betty is quick to shoot the idea down, until Jughead reminds her that she owes him.

Find all previous parts on tumblr HERE

Read on AO3 HERE

A/N:  thank you to everyone who's kept up with this story and badgered me into continuing it. It's been rough but this story is my baby, and I'm relieved I was finally able to update. The next two chapters will be much longer, but with school in full force I don't know when I'll be able to update, but I'll try my best. Much love to you all <3 (PS Riverdale season two starts back up in 24 days!)

Betty waits in the patient’s chair, leaning back and letting her knees rest against each other as she holds the dressing gown closed. There’s an old episode of Friends playing on the TV up in the corner that catches her attention, and she watches it to help soothe her nerves. She was finally about to get the pregnancy clarification she needed.

She’s so enraptured in the show that she misses when Jughead enters the room with his Polaroid dangling from his neck. “I thought I told you no pictures?” Betty reminds him upon noticing his arrival.

“Technically you said no videotaping. Photographing and videotaping are two completely different things.” He tells her, moving to her side and bending forward to place a chaste kiss to her forehead. He pushes the loose pieces of her hair behind her ear and rubs his thumb along her jaw lightly. “Are you scared?”

Betty purses her lips and shakes her head. “Not so much scared as anxious. I need to know if this real,” she mumbles, reaching up to grab Jughead’s hand and hold it against her cheek a little while longer. She hadn’t been sick since that fatal morning, but somehow she felt different. Different good or different bad she was unsure, it was just different.

She’d done a complete 180 with her diet. No more Chinese food and pizza multiple times a week. She focused more on salads and organic chicken. Much to her dismay, Pop’s chicken tenders were not organic. Instead of cereal she opted for smoothies for breakfast and tried to avoid Pop Tate’s milkshakes. Although Jughead had promised her a vanilla shake with her name on it after this appointment and Betty couldn’t wait. Consciously eating healthy was hard.

“You’ll find out soon enough.” Jughead nods his head towards the door and Betty’s eyes follow his motion, noticing the doctor had joined them.

“Hello there. I’m Dr. Greyson.” The doctor’s young, maybe early thirties and she smiles friendly at the two of them. She reaches out to shake Jughead’s hand and then Betty’s. “Could you please sit up Betty?”

“Of course,” Betty sputters, making sure to hold the patient’s gown close to her body as she adjusts her position, the paper beneath her on the bed crinkling obnoxiously with every slight movement.

The regular check-up ensues. Betty’s reflexes are great, her blood pressure is near perfect and her lungs are healthy. As she sits Betty hears the click of a camera go off and gives Jughead a look that she’s sure could kill. “Ignore him.” Betty tells Dr. Greyson.

Dr. Greyson looks back over to Jughead and smiles. “I think it’s sweet that he’s excited to be here. Most young men refuse to step foot into this room for the first check.” The doctor turns her back to grab a few items from the counter and Jughead cocks his head to the side, a smirk on his face reminding Betty that she’s pretty damn lucky she has him in her life.

The test happens so quickly Betty can barely believe she was so nervous to begin with. A quick sample of her blood was all Dr. Greyson needed in order to determine whether Betty really was pregnant or not. “You should receive a call by tomorrow afternoon notifying you of the results.”

Betty nods her head, wondering why the nurse had instructed her to don the ridiculous patient’s gown if she wasn’t even going to need it. Oh well. “Thank you! I look forward to hearing from you.” Betty watches as the doctor exits, leaving her and Jughead alone once more in the room.

“Turn around Jug, I need to change.”

Jughead shifts the weight on his legs and crosses his arms, looking at Betty with a dumbfounded expression on his face. “Betty, I’ve seen you naked plenty of times. I think I can handle watching you change.”

Inwardly groaning, Betty hops off the bench and turns her back to Jughead, letting the gown fall from her shoulders softly. When she hears the familiar click of Jughead’s camera she whips her head around so fast she practically gives herself whiplash. “No.”

Jughead stands there, shaking the most recent photo of her in his hand delicately. “No what?”

Betty sighs and pulls on her clothes quickly as she thinks of what she wants to say to him. Despite everything they’d been through the past two months, Betty was still extremely uncomfortable with her body. The rough angles of her skin and 10 pounds of comfort weight she’d gain since they started dating were beginning to show in all the wrong areas. She pulls her shirt on over her head and grabs her purse, ready to leave. “No more pictures! Don’t you have enough naked photos of me to last a lifetime?”

Jughead smirks and grabs her hand, Betty hesitantly accepting the feeling of his calloused fingers against her palm. When it came to Jughead, she could never stay upset for very long. He presses a kiss to her temple and leads her out the door. “Never Betts. Never.”

When they get home Betty slumps right into her favorite spot on the couch, content to with one of Pop’s milkshakes clutched in her right hand. She’d been too tired to eat in, and Jughead was not opposed to ordering takeout. Together they spent the rest of the afternoon binge watching anything and everything Betty wanted, which mostly consisted of old 90s cartoons. The more Betty was afraid that she really was pregnant, the more she wanted to stay young and carefree.

꙰

“Mama Copper is going to castrate you.” Archie says while purchasing a popcorn for the movie he and Veronica were about to see. It’d been a few weeks since the news of Betty’s possible pregnancy became common knowledge and Archie wouldn’t let Jughead forget it. Veronica jams her elbow into Archie’s side, forcing him to shut up. “What was that for?” He complains, rubbing his ribs tenderly.

Jughead laughs and Veronica’s quick to respond. “If you knocked me up would you want your best friend reminding you that my parents would remove your testicles because you got me pregnant?” Archie winces at the thought and Ronnie continues on, barely noticing his reaction. “No, you wouldn’t. So shut up about it already, can’t you tell he’s freaking out?”

Ronnie stomps ahead of the boys, leaving them standing there next to the concessions, watching her leave with their jaws dropped in unison. “Is she right?” Archie asks, turning to Jughead. “Am I really being that oblivious?”

Jughead grabs his own popcorn from behind the counter and pops a few buttery pieces into his mouth. He nods. “Since when do you know the meaning of oblivious?”

Archie grins and moves to pay for his popcorn, purchasing a cup for a soda. “It was today’s Word of the Day in my calendar.”

Unable to stop himself from laughing, Jughead grabs a cup from his coworker at the register and gets himself a drink as well. “That is fucking fantastic. Best news I’ve heard all day.”

“Yeah OK go ahead and laugh. Ronnie got it for me for Easter.” Archie admits. They begin to follow Veronica towards the theater. “I am really sorry though if I’ve been making things worse for you. I just can’t get over the fact that Betty’s pregnant. And that it’s yours.”

Jughead claps a hand on Archie’s shoulder and directs him to his theater. “It’s OK Arch. Just please refrain from any more mentions of me losing my balls. I’m very attached to them.”

“I will. Now get back to work.”

They bid each other goodbye as Archie headed into the theater, while Jughead continues on towards the Projection Room. There he set down his popcorn and his drink and adjusted the film reel. Reaching for the switch he dimmed the lights in the theater and began to show the previews. He grabs his pop and leans back in his chair, setting his feet up on the desk in front of him. He can’t help but think about what Archie told him about Betty’s mom, Alice Cooper. Alice was a force to be reckoned with, and suddenly Jughead had a serious fear of losing one of his favorite appendages.

While the movie plays Jughead constantly checks his phone, waiting for an incoming update from Betty. It was already three in the afternoon and he couldn’t believe the doctor still hadn’t called with Betty’s test results. He was surprised he was even able to eat; he was so worried about the potential outcome. Then again who was he trying to fool? Jughead never lost his hearty appetite.

The movie’s in full swing when Jughead’s phone lights up on the desk in front of him. Knocking the popcorn over in the process, he lunges for his phone, picking up midway through the first ring. “Betty?” he asks hurriedly into the receiver.

“Hey Jughead, how’s it going?”  Her voice is silky smooth on the other line and Jughead’s silently praying she has the news he’d been waiting to hear about all morning.

How’s it going, he wonders to himself incredulously. I’m going out of my fucking mind is how its going. Somehow he keeps his cool when he answers, although how he’s not sure. “Everything’s going great. Archie and Ronnie are here to see that new Avengers movie. We’re pretty busy for a Sunday afternoon…” He pauses, inhaling a quick breath before continuing. “…Did they call?”

The other end of the line is silent for what feels like an entire eternity, and when Betty responds, it’s not what Jughead expects to hear. “Check your messages,” is all Betty has to say.

Jughead removes the phone from his ear and hastily clicks on the green messaging icon. The only message he has is from Betty, and when he opens it up he’s surprised to find a photo. There on his screen, is a picture of a Polaroid. And within that Polaroid is another Polariod, one with a positive pregnancy test captured with the caption ‘Oh Baby’. The new Polaroid is captioned in Betty’s tidy scrawl labeled ‘Coming Soon December 2017’.

He brings the phone back up to his ear, trying to hide emotion in his voice he speaks next. But before he can get a word in Betty cuts him off, “Did you get the message?”

Jughead leans back in his chair and covers his face in his hand. “We’re going to be parents.”

“It’s official – I really am pregnant.” She’s silent before she speaks once more. “What are you thinking about, Jughead?”

For once Jughead isn’t thinking about anything. He’s not hyperventilating or freaking out like he thought he would. Instead his mind is as free and clear as a cloudless day and they only words he can think to respond with are, “I’m thinking I’ve never loved you more than I do right now. We’ll talk more when I get home.”

They bid each other goodbye, and it’s only when the line clicks dead that Betty’s news really sinks in his stomach like a ton of bricks cemented together. How in the hell was he, Jughead, supposed to raise a baby on a movie theater employee’s income?

[asuitcaseofmemories]

"There’s a Storm in my Head and it’s Killing all the Flowers.”

I've been relatively vocal about having anxiety. I've had a LOT of people message me with support, suggestions, and pure curiosity. I'm always happy to answer what I can... Because though I realize my truth is the same as countless others. I also realize many of them suffer in silence. I think the more I share my struggles, the more others can hopefully understand what their friends, family, and loved ones are going through. I decided to give a brief glimpse of my thought pattern for just a simple trip. I went to Shanghai, which mind you I have been to at least 6 times now. Here ya go...

Tuesday

Okay I really have to get moving on those train tickets for Thursday. I open my computer and search for tickets to Shanghai from Hefei on Aug 31st. My appointment is at 1, so if I leave by 10 that will be fine. No wait, I can't eat breakfast before or my anxiety will make me throw up... I should leave earlier then get lunch there. Yeah, I need to eat I guess. I'll book the 8:00am train which means I have to catch the 7:00 subway and wake up at 6:00.

Okay this train station is closest to where I want to eat. I write down the date, time, and train number. I'll book 3:30pm return. Oh god, what if they're running behind and my appointment goes late, or the line at the subway is long, or I get on the wrong one on accident, and then miss my train? I better make it for 5 just to be safe. Shit, I need to have the concierge order these before the seats are taken... Excuse me while I check 3 different times to be sure he has the correct train info. He's annoyed.

I get the tickets and I immediately check the time, date, and train number.. Phew they're correct. I put them in my purse and go to walk away... Wait! Maybe they're the wrong station, better check them, again. Okay, they're right. Wait, maybe I have the stations confused? It is a big city... I better Google it to be sure. Okay all set, no worries!

Wednesday

11:45pm- I'm falling asleep but I suddenly realize that I NEED to plan out my day so I'm not late for anything. I check the address for Shanghai Station for the 8th time. I get the street address for the place to eat (in Chinese) justttt in case the subway is down or something. Remember I did see an article a month ago where that did happen. It will probably happen again, could be tomorrow. What's the subway station nearest to the restaurant? Hmm I better cross reference that 5 times. Google says that will take 32 mins on the subway, it'll take at least 10-15 minutes to buy tickets, another 5 minutes to walk from the station to the restaurant... Okay so I'll get to the restaurant at 11:04. It's only a half hour cab ride to the doctor from there. But wait, maybeeee traffic will be terrible. I should  leave at noon instead of 12:30... just to be safe.

Okay, now I can go back to bed. Wait... Hmm I better look up the address for my doctor in Chinese... Just in case the cab driver can't read the business card font. Maybe I'm being silly? No I'm not, that's happened before. Do it. Okay go to bed. Wait! How am I getting back to the train station? Okay Google says it's a 35 minute cab ride, but it's probably 50 with traffic. That means I should get a cab by 3pm. I'll get there by 4 and the train boards at 4:37, and the security line could be long...

I feel better, now I can sleep. Wait... What if I can't get a cab? I took the subway from there last time. It was like a 13 minute walk, but I can't remember if I had to switch lines. Was the ticket line long there? Shit I can't remember. I better double check the line number and stop for the train station, again.

Seriously it's 2am and I have to get up in 4 hours. I finally begin dozing off, then I think "what's the weather going to be like?" I better check my weather app. It doesn't say it's going to rain, but maybe it will. Oh no I left my umbrella at that restaurant tonight.

Maybe I should've packed my backpack tonight, what if I forget something tomorrow? Okay I need to pack my passport, cash, tissues, sunglasses, glasses (in case I need to take my contacts out), eye drops (ya never know), contact case, coins for the subway, headphones for music, water, my iPad... Am I forgetting anything? Yeah you're forgetting to sleep. Go to bed Jess.

I feel the satin of my eye mask brush my face as I pull it on, and I take a deep breath. Why am I so nervous? My palms are sweating and my heart feels like I just ran the mile for the first time. I literally JUST did this trip 2 weeks ago. I went to the same area for lunch and everything. *1 hour later* I lift up my eye mask, after not sleeping a wink. What time is it? 3:30am. I pull my eye mask back on then immediately tear it off. WHAT. How is it 3:30?? Okay if I fall asleep now I'll get 2.5 hours of sleep. Go to bed.

One hour later I rip off my eye mask in panic... Shit did I set an alarm? I better check its for AM not PM. Okay good, it is. I close my eyes... Shit... Am I sure 6am is early enough? Ugh stop worrying and go to bed. I toss and turn for a bit and finally start to doze off. Great, now I gave to pee.

After the chill of the cold tile woke up my feet, I made my way back to the bedroom and slowly climbed back into bed. Shortly after I doze off, Corey's alarm sounds. That means it's between 5-5:15am think. A second alarm goes off... It's probably 5:30 now. Maybe I can sleep for a half hour.

I hear the shower start and think BUT maybe I should just get up to be sure I have everything around in time?

It's 5:45am and I am scrolling through my phone making sure I have everything screenshot for directions. I make a detailed itinerary down to the minute in my notepad, just to be on the safe side.

6:00am and my alarm blares as I'm holding it in my hands. Great, I feel like I'm going to puke. Why? Why didn't I sleep? I'm hungry. I wish I could eat but I will definitely get sick. Maybe I'm already going to get sick? I need coffee like yesterday. I should wait until I get to the train station otherwise I'll have to pee between here and there and I don't have time for that. But I'm so thirsty. No-don't drink anything or you'll have to go. I glance out the window. Ughhh why did I forget my umbrella yesterday? It's raining.

I begin getting ready and panic hits me. Why do I feel like I can't breathe? I'm literally putting on blush. Nothing is happening. Oh my god I'm having a heart attack. I AM NOT. But maybe I am, that does happen. I Google "symptoms of a heart attack" and "symptoms of a panic attack" ...again, like I don't do this everyday. I should really just bookmark them. Ugh why's this always happen to me?

I do a breathing exercise, that I don't have time for, because if I don't I'm surely going to DIE. My heart has slowed and I can finally breathe normal, but all that anxiety just wrecked my stomach for the day. Yay, that will be great to deal with. I'm out of Imodium which I'm basically taking as a multivitamin at this point.

I glance at my watch, shit! I've got to go or I'll be late! I put my hand on the door handle, and quickly remove it. Now I'm rummaging through my bag to be extra sure I have everything, again. I am meticulous as I rearrange the pockets I have my belongings in. Someone could steal my passport if I'm not careful! That does happen sometimes.

I push the down button outside the elevator 15 times for good measure. What's taking so long? I hear the ding of one arriving, and I get in. I glance at my watch- Yes, I'm on time! The elevator begins to slow and I immediately remember that time a few weeks ago when it briefly stopped working between floors with me and Corey in it. Oh god I'm going to die! Oh never mind, it's just someone on the 10th floor. Oh god I know him. "Good morning Jess!" "Hey, heading to work?" ... That's a stupid question. Why would you ask that? You know the bus leaves at 7, what else would he be doing? He definitely thinks I'm an idiot right now, because I am. "Yes" he replies. Lord, these last 4 floors feel like an eternity. I want to tell him I almost puked on him for a second there, but I just say "have a good day" instead.

It's 6:52am, and I know the subway leaves at 7 on the dot... The subway is right there, but naturally I'm freaking out anyway. I run down the large flight of stairs faster than necessary ... Oh no it's 6:56 what if it leaves early (Realistically I could take the next one and be fine)? I run down the next flight of stairs too. The sign says 4 minutes until the subway car arrives, obviously. I pace back and forth as I skim over my itinerary in my phone, for the 4th time this morning. I feel like a lunatic and now I look like one. I gaze at the map to ensure I know my stop, which is named Hefei South Railway (duh). I count the number of stops 4 times for good measure. I look at my watch. 7:00am, the subway cars are here.

I get on and grab an empty seat without making any eye contact. I slowly pick my head up and everyone is looking at me. Please stop. Maybe they're staring because my music is too loud? I dull it to the minimum and after a few moments I peek again... No they're still staring. I'm very aware of my skin's surface at the moment and it feels like it's crawling with a million tiny legs. A shiver goes up my back and I swallow much too loud for this silent car.

Shit, was that one stop or two? I was too focused on the million legs that I lost count. Ugh I can't see the map from here. Why did I sit here? Maybe I should I get up and look? No. I don't want this lady to think I moved because she sat down; I know my stop's not for 20 minutes. Plus if I stand I'm guaranteed to have to pee. I argue with myself for 10 minutes and begin to panic that maybe I missed the stop.

All the atoms in my body feel like they're about to burst into flames. I kind of wish they would. I can't take it anymore! I'm getting up reading the map! I'm sure the panic is evident on my face as I quickly remove my ass from the bench. Oh, I still have three stops. I better just stand here next to the door; maybe they'll stop staring at me if I squeeze into this corner? Nope. In the door's reflection I can clearly see all of their watchful eyes and heads on a swivel. Why does this subway car feel like it's closing in on me? I can't breathe. Am I going to cry? Because I feel like I'm going to cry. No really I can't breathe right now.

I close my eyes and pray to God to have pity on me and make me invisible to these watchful eyes. I hear the automated baby voice over the intercom talking; my stop is next. The subway arrives at Hefei Station and the I hear the hiss of the doors as they open. No sooner and I'm gasping for air as I catapult myself out of the car at a speed you'd think I was trying to escape death. I mean, it felt like I was. Phew, I did it. I almost hyperventilated for a moment there. Okay, no really...where the fuck's the bathroom in this place?

Step one of 40, but I did it.

So if you don't have anxiety you're probably like WTF is wrong with this chick; seriously who worries like that? Well, I do... And chances are many of your loved ones do too. This is just a glimpse of the hell going on constantly in my brain- just a snippet of ONE topic. My brain rapid fires thoughts like these, on countless subjects, ALL day long. It is exhausting, and frankly getting out of is a miracle most days. Sleep evades me at night, and consumes most of my days. I can't remember what it's like to feel "normal" and not feel this hell. This is just my daily, constant anxiety... not even a bad panic attack. Traveling used to give me the MOST enjoyment. Even though it's harder than hell to get to that destination, I push myself to get there. I have my bad days, weeks, sometimes months... But I will not let anxiety or depression control my life.

If you're out there struggling and feel crazy in your head...just know we are crazy together, and I like to think I'm a fun time.

[flutteringphalanges]

Not Your Average Prophecy

Chloe is quite certain she's seen it all. Her partner, and now boyfriend, is the actual Devil himself. She's got a demon of a roommate, both figuratively and literally. And of course you can't forget to throw in Lucifer's angel of a brother, Amenadiel. But when Los Angeles' favorite detective becomes pregnant, everyone is in for a ride. FFN and AO3

((I hope you guys enjoy the introduction! I would love to know your thoughts! Until next chapter! -Jen))

                                          Prologue

For the umpteenth time that week, Chloe woke up to the all too familiar wave of nausea. It was, in a way, a crude alarm clock of sorts, except there was no snooze button that she could hit. She tried everything to settle the figurative storm in her gut: curling up into a ball, trying to fall back asleep… Hell, she even tried to ignore it all together, but it had been in vain. Every attempt. And her efforts always concluded with a hand clasped tightly over her mouth, trying to keep the rising bile at bay as she rushed into the bathroom to empty what little contents occupied her stomach.

Just her luck. Of course it would be her who'd get sick. But with what, she didn't exactly know. The stomach flu maybe? Dan had caught that last week and, for the sake of Trixie's health, Chloe didn't object in the least bit at his request for her to take their daughter despite it was his weekend with her. Perhaps it was a bad case of food poisoning? Lucifer always did warn her about getting those damn sandwiches from the department's vending machine.

Her hands, clammy from sweat, shakily gripped the sides of the toilet seat. The bile burned the back of her throat as she dry heaved, head completely aching from everything by this point. God, how she craved to be put out of her misery. If there was a list of the worst illness side effects, puking had to at least be in the top ten. Maybe five. Right now, for her, it was one. And it clearly lived up to its place.

"Hey," Maze's voice called out, her fist knocking much louder than need be on the other side of the door. "Are you almost done in there? You're not the only one living here. I need to use the bathroom too."

"Can you just give me a minute," Chloe responded weakly, still hunched over the toilet. "Please?"

Maze huffed, her irritation not muffled by the thin walls which separated the bathroom from the hallway. With purposely heavy steps, she stalked away leaving Chloe, who was very much thankful, a moment to recollect herself. Or rather, as best as she could. Maze was quite an unusual roommate-even without taking the fact that she was an actual demon into consideration.

For the most part, whether it was unintentional or not, she was more so concerned about herself than others. Which meant that if she decided the detective had used up her restroom time, Chloe wouldn't be surprised in the least bit if the Devil's right hand woman smashed and splintered her way through the door. So the LAPD officer pushed herself upright, trying to fight through the dizziness that engulfed her head. The sour taste of bile and the uncomfortable stickiness brought on by sweat only added onto the pile of reasons her day was already shitty. But for the sake of the bathroom door, she decided to take care of her cleanliness after Maze had finished with whatever it was she wanted to do.

"You look like hell."

Maze's comment wasn't even snide in the least bit as Chloe passed her on the way to the kitchen. Actually, it came out almost as if the demon was truly being sincere. Not that being described as looking like crap was a good thing, it was more so the fact the other woman noticed her disheveled state and did not mock her for it. She merely nodded in response, moving towards the cabinet to get a glass for water. God was she thirst.

"You should just play hooky," the demon simply stated. "The dead don't have schedules to keep up with." She paused, a smile playing on her lips. "For the most part."

"No," Chloe mumbled, running her hand through her hair. "No, I'm fine."

She ultimately decided to forgo showering, feeling just shitty enough to the point where she didn't care what other people thought of her appearance. Her mouth was still sour when she entered her office and, though she personally couldn't tell, she wouldn't be shocked if her smell was far from pleasant. Screw the flu. Professionalism be damned. Chloe's gut twisted as she sat down, and for a moment, the fear that she'd spew all over her desk popped into her mind. But she doesn't. Thank Christ for that. And she drew her focus to the various piles of paper strewn across the table.

"If I didn't know any better, I would assume you went out drinking last night." Lucifer stood in the doorway, the ever present cocky smile playing on his lips. "But your idea of fun centers more around watching some silly movie and indulging on cheap popcorn." His grin widened and for some reason, Chloe felt the urge to sock him hard in the face. "Unless you partook in something spontaneous and failed to invite me."

"Wheel of Fortune was on," and she didn't need to look at Lucifer to know he was rolling his eyes. "That and a rerun of The Price is Right."

"Bloody hell," Lucifer shook his head. "We really do need to work on your tastes in entertainment. As your significant other, it is my duty to not allow you to bore yourself to death."

"I sure feel like death," Chloe muttered, causing Lucifer's smirk to fade. "This stomach thing hasn't gotten any better. You're going to want to avoid being in close proximity to me. Trust me, you don't want to get whatever this is."

Now he had this look of worry about him. If stares could burn, the intensity of Lucifer's eyes studying her body would've left her in a crisp of black ashes. She annoyed by this. It was a ridiculous thing to be irritated about, but right now, the last thing she needed was for her partner to play Dr. Devil-the one that wasn't a role in their sexual roleplays. Chloe was independent. Always had been. And the thought of having someone hover over her due to something as simply as a little fever was less than ideal.

"Stop looking at me like that," she frowned. "I'm fine. I should've said anything."

"Perhaps you should go to a-"

"I'm fine," she nearly snapped, a tone she knew she would later regret using. "I don't need a doctor."

He doesn't push the idea any further after that. Instead, he sat close by as she scanned page upon page of paperwork. It was a slow day and nothing noteworthy had come up that required any sort of fieldwork. Chloe felt Lucifer's eyes remain fixated on her through the entire few hours it took to process things. He was worried, and deep down that meant a lot. But right now, she felt so awful physically that the mere aspect of him coddling her or showing any sign of affection could've easily set her off the edge.

"Let me at least drive you home," he nearly pleaded when the detective finished and stood from her chair. "I don't like the thought of you driving like this...Well, by that I mean, you know...sick."

"Lucifer," Chloe sighed, exhaustion heavy in tone. "I appreciate your concern. Really, I do. But I'm fine. Look," she met his gaze, noting that irritating, secretly adorable look he gave whenever anything wrong involved her. "I'm fine. I'll text you when I get home. Go to Lux. You have that party thing to host tonight."

"College graduation students from their respective sorority and fraternity houses," he corrected. "But I could easily have Maze or someone else cover-" Chloe's frown deepened and Lucifer sighed in defeat. "Call me if you need anything, yes?"

"Okay," her voice lacked promise, but it seemed ligament enough for the Devil to buy it. "Go have fun, okay? I'll see you tomorrow. We're still on for date night?"

"Yes," he agreed, seeming to perk up. "I have cleared all of my appointments for bringing in new Hell occupants just for you."

"I'm honored," she smirked. "Have fun tonight, okay?"

She could tell he wanted to kiss her and she'd be lying if she didn't admit she wished the same. But she was sick. Infecting Lucifer would only make things worse-trying to solve a case with two vomiting, coughing detectives wouldn't exactly be ideal. So she shoulder bumped him. Why the hell she did that was a question she asked herself immediately after doing so. Lucifer gave her an odd expression, but returned the motion nevertheless. He never questioned her quirks. God she loved him.

It was drizzling when she made it out to her car. Quickly, as to protect what work she was bringing home with her, Chloe tossed the bag of briefcases onto the passenger seat. By some miracle, her nausea had subsided a little and for the first time that day, the idea of actually eating something wasn't an immediate turn off. Actually, the thought of eggs and toast sounded quite wonderful. She'd need to run by to the store to grab a new dozen, but it was on the way home.

Turning on the radio, she scanned the channels to find a station Lucifer would make fun of her for liking. Who was he to decide what was or wasn't good music anyway? She breathed through her nose and allowed her fingers to drum against the steering wheel as she cruised towards the local grocery store. Maybe she'd buy a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough too. That sounded surprisingly delicious.

The parking lot had a decent amount of open spaces which Chloe attributed to people not wanting to go out in the less than pleasurable weather. Pulling up into a spot that was reasonably close to the front entrance, she hurried inside. Eggs and cookie dough, that was all she needed, and without Trixie in tow to ask for a plethora of other things, Chloe easily located the items.

It was only when she was making her way towards the checkout line that she found herself pausing in front of the pharmaceutical section. It was an odd feeling. This sudden thought that she needed something she previously hadn't even considered. Glancing around, which she knew was stupid because she had no reason to act suspicious, she walked over to a section off to the side. There were rows of them. All different brands. All different ways of telling results.

For a brief moment, Chloe hesitated, fingers barely brushing against the colorful box. Maybe she was being dumb. That these silly conclusions her mind was considering were just that. Silly. But for some reason the urge only grew and, after she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, she snatched the object from its spot on the shelf and hurried to check out.

Maze wasn't home by the time Chloe got there, juggling her purchases as she went about unlocking the door. That made things easy. The last thing she needed was for Maze to find out about something that most likely was nothing at all. She put the bags on the counter, placing them second in priority to the little box that accompanied her into the bathroom.

Multiple times Chloe tested and retested the door's ability to lock, which only fed into her paranoia. Finally, after being certain no one could barge in, Chloe turned the box around and carefully read through each line of instruction. Conducting the actual test itself was the easy part. Pregnancy tests weren't exactly made to be that confusing. The most difficult aspect was the waiting itself.

C'mon. She thought to herself. C'mon. C'mon.

Three minutes felt like three eternities as Chloe sat there trying not to look at the stick. It was ridiculous. There was no way. She wasn't even late. Was she? She'd been so busy...God, was she? Her stomach twisted, but this time the nausea wasn't from whatever it was she had. Nerves. Chloe closed her eyes and forced herself to breathe evenly. Then, inhaling deeply through her nose, she looked down.

Pregnant.

"Oh shit."

[cosmosogler]

really, REALLY late start today. sorry. i was trapped in tv tropes purgatory.

i really hurt my eyes with all the reading i did... and lost track of time.

anyway i got up early, at 9:05, and showered and drove out to the behavioral health center. i got a little turned around and was one minute late for my appointment. and i also hit the curb when i was trying to park because i’m good at driving when i’m stressed.

i managed to NOT damage the car this time at least! baby steps. curbs are the worst. i have never hit anything that wasn’t part of the ground. well, except for the recycling bin that dad decided to leave directly behind the car on the driveway that you couldn’t see from the rearview mirror. the car is normally in the garage so i couldn’t have seen the bin before i got in the car either.

ok i got sidetracked. i need to stay focused because i want to go to sleep because my head hurts. staying focused with a headache is really easy!!!

i hate that my stupid face scrunches up when i have a headache. it makes everything worse. because i always have a headache. mostly from grinding my teeth forever every day always.

ok so i got to the hospital and went in for the paperwork and interview. i got a quick medical check up and then filled out my paperwork. the nurse asked if i wanted something to drink and rattled off a bunch of available choices and i asked for water and she left and never came back. so i was thirsty for about an hour.

the doctor, charlie, came in well after i had figured out all the paperwork. i was expecting to be interrupted because i was  taking forever. but she was nice and asked questions and didn’t seem judgmental when i stumbled over my answers and gave caveats to all my problems. but then i mentioned that i couldn’t start until next week because i am going up to flagstaff to sort out school stuff and would miss two days of therapy this week. she immediately put down the survey and told me i could only start within three days of finishing the paperwork. so i would have to fill out everything again in a week if i wanted to start next week. i kinda sighed. but she promised she would keep my file so i didn’t have to redo EVERYTHING. and they are open on weekends so i can make an appointment for next monday and start right away on tuesday.

so i drove home. i sang badly along with my ipod. my voice was just not with it today. i don’t have as much range as the singer i was listening to even on a good day though. so i just had to hope that the car wasn’t judging me.

i got home and got caught up on some web sites and tumblr blogs and i started reading some homestuck analysis because i still think about it sometimes. i follow the fan comic “double death of the author” and it is very good and one of the writers wrote very detailed rants on why the ending was disappointing. it feels nice to see some of my thoughts in someone else’s words.

then i went to chipotle for lunch with dad and the neighbor and his daughter. the daughter is roommates with my sister at their apartment since they both go to the same university. recently she has been making some very bad and also dangerous decisions relating to alcohol so my sister has distanced herself from the neighbor’s kid. dad thinks she should just “forgive and forget” and “talk it out” but my sister is adamant that the daughter is not welcome in her life while she is making these decisions. she has forgiven her before and she always interprets it as permission to keep doing it, so my sister put her foot down after a really bad night.

i agree with my sister. i didn’t say that to anyone except her though.

the chipotle was good. i actually ate the whole burrito. the whole burrito! i didn’t put as many things in it as i usually would though.

after that i sank into my tv tropes/wikipedia fugue for several hours. there is just so much information. and i need to read literally all of it. i can barely even stop when i want to, if i manage to catch the time. i was like this when i read long novels too. reading while walking, reading at night in the car, reading under streetlights while we walked from the car to the store, waiting for my family to fall asleep late at night and then creeping into the bathroom and reading behind the door for hours and hours. i mean, i didn’t want to sleep, because horrifying nightmares. and i didn’t care about school, because the bullying was at its worst those years. the only genuinely interesting thing that didn’t also hurt me was reading. and it did hurt me... i don’t have as much “imagination” stamina as i used to and my eyes are getting weak. and i got back problems that i don’t tell my family about. it literally always hurts. i can’t make it stop.

i got yelled at for reading too long several times. when the last harry potter book came out my dad caught me reading upside down with my feet up against the wall at 3 am and nearly shook the walls when he punched the door. i didn’t even like harry potter as much as my sister did. mom caught me reading in the bathroom when i couldn’t wait long enough for her to go to bed to continue the story.

i just... have to look at all the information in front of me. it’s in instinct i can’t fight, and when i think about it, i don’t really want to fight it that much. it’s bad in some situations, but it’s mostly useful. and good when i need to make an informed decision.

even in discord channels, if other people had a conversation while i was away, even if i have no interest in the topic, and i know i won’t find it interesting, i will read it.

i’ve gotten just a little better about that, mostly because i don’t usually have the energy to interact with people.

anyway i remembered (i just also remembered right now so i will have to do that first thing in the morning) that i need to schedule my shuttle up to flagstaff for wednesday. so i went to ask dad what a good time for him to drop me off is. he said he was on the phone so i waited quietly and petted the dogs. eve is limping more than she was a few days ago.

after a few minutes dad spiked the phone into the desk and it hit the wall and fell behind the desk. i was startled, but i asked dad “what would be a good time for” and he interrupted me to snarl “i don’t care.” so i left the room.

he called me back into the room later by yelling at me. i asked what a good time would be for him since i needed to take the shuttle on wednesday, which is his physical therapy day. i have set aside wednesdays as “dad has full access to the car” days for the past several months so he could go to physical therapy for his elbow. he told me he hasn’t gone to that basically since i started scheduling my week around it. after yelling at me for not knowing about it and accommodating him when i first started leaving the house again.

COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i gotta schedule the shuttle tomorrow morning. it’s 12:40 right now i can’t do it before i want to sleep if i’m gonna keep writing.

then i had the Iconic Exchange with asher about reach arounds. and then it was an hour later and mom got home and made a quiche. it was ok... it didn’t taste bad or anything, but i didn’t like the way that it filled up my mouth every single bite. i talked to mom about why she was angry at dad. they do not communicate effectively or understand each other very well. despite mom thinking she understands dad perfectly. they have very different priorities, and different priorities than the other thinks they have. then i took the dogs outside and then i took wiley on a walk. but only a short one because i had been chewed on by mosquitoes in the few minutes i took them out back and i was still tired and sore from the long drive yesterday.

then i kept reading tv tropes and then it was like 11. but i finally finished the tabs. all of them except two which i am not going to look at right now. even though they are interesting. 

i went downstairs and had some strawberries and came back up and watched some youtube. i found a new poet that is really cool. i put one of his works in my queue so that will post in like two days. i have a two-day queue buffer most of the time.

then i panicked when it was 12 and started writing!!! 

oh, mom talked to me about eve while i was eating. i mentioned that the sooner i left for florida at the end of the summer, the more likely it would be that eve would still be alive when i left. so i wouldn’t be there for her. mom made a face and asked if i really thought they wouldn’t take care of her. that’s not really what i was getting at, but i said that’s not what i thought and mentioned that she’s walking badly. mom said that my uncle mike was going to wait until she stopped using the leg and then amputate it. she should have up to another year in her if she recovers from the surgery well and the cancer hadn’t become malignant over the last few years. it will be easier for her to adjust to having three legs if she no longer uses the bad one anyway.

i don’t want her to die... but when i leave for florida i won’t be coming back, not really. they employ graduate students year-round. mom asked if i wanted eve to die and i said no but i felt guilty. it’s complicated... like, what if it was me. would i rather die around loved ones or live longer and see them leave. and how does my depression factor into my answer to that question in a way that it wouldn’t for eve? i can’t make the decision for her, but i also can’t communicate the situation to her in any way or get her feedback. all she can see is that i’m sad for some reason.

i watched her run around in the backyard with doge and wiley. diogi has resorted to little bunny-hops with her back legs to get moving while she scrambles much faster with her front legs. it looks funny but i’m glad she can still go more or less where she wants. eve has started running that way too though. supporting her back leg with her good one when she runs. diogi just kicks her back legs at the same time because it’s easier to coordinate. 

i dunno. i always feel wistful and sad when i watch the dogs. like this might be the last time i see them do this or that. how do they feel about it? they have to know. diogi’s doing “pack protection” behaviors that pack animals do when one of their members is sick or otherwise infirm. 

ehhhh i made myself sad. they’re not even dead yet. i am always happy to see them but also sad to know that i might not see them again. i can’t get that thought out of my head and just enjoy the time i got.

grief is weird. the past few days i’ve been feeling nothing and getting really confused when an emotion pops up because what even are emotions, but put an old dog in front of me and i feel REALLY BAD and it shoves me back into being alive IMMEDIATELY.

and then i’m gonna adopt a senior cat when i get to florida. a+ plan, can’t see how that will go wrong. there are no holes in this plan.

ok it’s 1 i gotta sleep. therapist appointment at 11:30 tomorrow. i will get up around 10 as usual though so it won’t be a rush. i was hoping i could push back my wake-up time to 9 but since it is already after 1 i don’t see that happening. i have just been too tired the last few days.

i know i had dreams last night but i don’t remember what they were about. just that they were there. as they always are. i can recall dreaming at least 6 nights a week, usually 7, even if i can’t remember anything besides vague impressions. and i don’t remember them less than half the time. it’s clogging up all my memory and emotion and energy space. for 20 years.

[louiseblog-blog1]

June 6, 2017

I've decided to begin posting some of my journal entries in the hopes of reaching out to others. I want to be raw and honest about what I am going through, although that warrants some trigger warning into details of behaviors. I would please like feedback to keep up my motivation to reach recovery, but I am open to any conversations that may be inspired :)

Just for a quick background: I am 26 years old and live with my boyfriend, Grant. I have been in and out of treatment for disordered eating for 11 years. I have maintained periods of solid recovery, but the last year has brought me into a horrible relapse. I dropped out of grad school to focus on treatment, but I left treatment to attend my brother's wedding in April. I am very determined to reach a healthy place again, but I am currently working alone with a lot of secrets.  

June 6, 2017 10:35 AM

Yesterday was my first very successful hair-pulling-free day. I started a new habit reversal tactic where every time I reach for my head I instead touch my knee. It's a physical rewiring! I have such bad bald spots now that I have enough motivation. I also figured out good tactics to cover my bald spots. I bought Rogaine, hair fiber powder, and dark eyeshadow, plus hairspray to cloak it all and all works well. Now I wait for it to grow back. I also like my new haircut now.

I'm worried about Adderall. The day I came back from Forida was a second day without it and I felt like death. Could it have been simply amplified by my low weight and alcohol? I could hardly make it home. I was in such a daze. When I came off drugs at Insight I also came off caffeine...I wasn't in a job so I could go pass out if I needed to sleep. What will happen to me if I can't get enough? Will I just keep restocking from Freddy? Yesterday I tried reaching out to a bunch of people to find more sources with no success and lots of discomfort. I mostly just looked to people in Madison. I also made an appointment with a doctor at Northwestern to hopefully get my own script. I really doubt it will happen, but that would really solve everything.

I'm going to be working more starting tomorrow. I babysit Elden Wednesday through Friday. I'm slightly nervous but mostly hopeful. It won't be a very long commitment, either, only until Pitchfork is over. Ana, Elden's mom, is so funny. She sent me a frantic stream of conciousness email last night like she has done before. It was to touch base and I responded calmly and positively as usual.

I feel inactive since I've stopped working. I don't walk much anymore. I miss moving around. I miss work. I don't miss anxiety about qualifying exams and school thing, but I miss working in the lab. I will like being a technician again, is probably what that means.

This morning I didn't even have the urge to binge and purge while Grant was t his lesson, a usual time I tend to engage. I feel a certain way now rather all of a sudden. I just feel done. Yes, when I got back from Florida I went straight to the store for binge food, but something hasn't been satisfying about it the last couple days. I'm not planning binges like I usually do.

I was thinking about why I do this strange activity...this strange food abuse. I remember when I came to the first realization of purging as an action that was pure necessity. I was in the Northwestern bathroom near my classes in the act and thought "I don't WANT to be doing this." Then I realized I do it for the binges. I let myself get too hungry for too long that my body and brain revert to this uncontrolled binge. I don't want any food in my stomach ever, but hunger seeps over me so I eat...and eat and eat until I can throw it all up and be TOTALLY empty again. So those moments of eating anything don't even count. I escape reality and my food problems for one ironic hour of chaos binge just to take my mind off the hunger.

Now, instead, I have set plans to eat a normal meal when that hunger overtakes me. Satisfy the hunger in a different way. Satisfy the confusing feeling of hunger in the normal, healthy way.

Maybe I'm done. I feel totally done, I think. I'm hopeful that new habits will carry me through to never do it again.

What about drinking and drugs? Is my hope just a way of fooling myself? No. I won't just give up and give in. I can't just watch myself deteriorate like I was. I really did give up for awhile, and now exactly a year of purging will mark its end.

I'm thinking of putting my writing online. I'm not sure why. I like writing by hand because when I type I have too much access to edit and perfect my words. When I write, I don't go back and read a thing. It's the therapeutic way of letting my thoughts flow that I just ca't do on a computer. If someone else were to read my thoughts I would be embarrassed by the lack of structure and care I put into the writing, but this way it is genuine thinking and not catered to the reader. Now I'm curious though how my thoughts might be valued. Maybe others could find solace in my experiences and maybe I could find some social comfort. The internet is so flooded now though that I'm not sure anyone would find it. When I was 15 I would find forums and friends with similar interests and thoughts and ideas. It was fun. I'm going to try that again, but I'm not counting on it going anywhere especially if I'm looking for that anonymous comfort.

******

So this has been my effort to reach out in an anonymous way. I do apologize for the rambling style, but like I wrote, journaling is therapeutic for me when I can let my thoughts flow as they do.

Thank you for reading.

[ilvsyzj]

Chapter Twenty-Three: New Schedule.

       The next morning while we were eating breakfast there was a knock on the door. Jeff went to go open it and it was Vix. 

Vix: Morning. -smiling- 

Everyone: Morning. 

Vix: How did everyone sleep?

Everyone: Not too bad. 

Vix: Good. Today, I’m going to give you all your schedules. Your schedules has been changed from the last 2 weeks. For the next 4 weeks you’re all going to be working together. R.M.C. and Healers. Every day you’re to go get up at 6 am, breakfast at 7 am, classes at 8 am, lunch at 12 pm, Work Study at 1 pm, dinner at 5 pm, lights out at midnight. No one is allow off the premises because of the alarms will go off. Every Fridays at midnight I will be collecting your iPads and journals. The weekends are your day off. There are going to be 20 levels of your Basic Training. Complete all 20 levels before 1/2/2021, then you all graduate and move up to the next training phase. Those of you don’t complete all 20 levels before 1/2/2021 then you all fail. And I have the right to kick you all out of the program. Understood?

Everyone. Understood. 

Vix: Good. Now, any questions?

Everyone: No. 

Vix: Good. Tomorrow, you can find out what those 20 levels are that you have to complete. Or you can find out today. If you guys want. Doesn’t really matter to me. Siri is very helpful use your phone throughout the next 4 weeks. Your iPads are useful as well, you can do a lot of things on your iPads that you can’t do on your phone. As for you journals, you’re to write your assignments and reports. But remember Siri isn’t your guide. She’s not going to answer all questions that you’re going to be asking. That’s were your iPads comes in. Siri, can only help you get so far, so don’t get too attached to her. Understood?

Everyone: Yes. 

Vix: Good. Now, as for Toothless and Snow. They are to stay in your room. The only time they are allow out of this house is when they have an appointment with the vet, or they get sick. Understood?

Sky and Jazzy: Understood. 

Vix: Good. Now, today is your rest day. Do whatever you want but do not leave the premises. Unless, you want be caught by Royal Guards. They will be standing guard and they will be watching over this house. So, please don’t mess with them. Understood?

Everyone: Understood. 

Vix: Toothless and Snow can watch the animal channel when you guys are in class. When you need more supplies for yourself or Special Pets, please let me know and I’ll take you all to get your supplies. Don’t order anything off the internet, because I will know about it. Understood?

Everyone: Understood. 

Vix: Good. Any questions?

Everyone: No. 

Vix: Okay. I’ll see you all later. 

Everyone: Bye. 

    Vix left and everyone else was looking at me. 

Jazzy: What?

Brandy: Aren’t you going to find out what those 20 levels are? I want to know because I’m really bad at physical training. 

Jazzy: Bran, you have your own phone. You ask Siri. 

Brandy: -pouty- She doesn’t answer me. 

Jeff: That’s because you don’t push the right button, and every time you shout at your phone. That’s why she doesn’t answer you. 

Brandy: -pouty- Aren’t captains and co-captains suppose to do it?

Jeff: Sorry, Bran can be a Princess sometimes. Anything that has to do with physical training or computers she doesn’t want to do it. 

Jazzy: It’s fine. It’s just that my phone is in my room, and I’m just thinking why the sudden change to our schedules. 

Sky: You okay?

Jazzy: Yea. I don’t always carry my phone. 

Sky: You’re worried about your parents.

Jazzy: Mhm. Also, I hear the war. It started 45 minutes ago. 

    Everyone was silent. The loud booming can be heard. I was very worry about my parents. I didn’t want them die. But I’m stuck in training so I can’t help them. But I pray to the Goddess that my parents and everyone else parents comes home safely. I went to my room. When I worry, I would rather be by myself. Because when push come shove, I can easily lose my temper. Everyone else can sense it. So, they just left me alone. When I returned to my room Toothless sense that I should be left alone, and that’s what he did. But not before he head butted my leg. Letting me know that he was there for me if I wanted to chat. Snow, rubbed her head against my leg also letting me know that she’s there for me as well. I smiled at them and pat them on their heads. I went to take a shower. Then I went to bed. I grabbed a book and began to read. Reading helps me relax. Snow and Toothless were in bed with me when Sky came in. 

Sky: Feeling better?

Jazzy: Some what. What’s up?

Sky: Dinner’s ready. Mike said that if you’re not up to come down. Then I can bring your dinner to you. 

Jazzy: -putting down her book and getting out bed- Let me feed Toothless and Snow. I’ll be right down. 

Sky: Okay. -leaving the room- 

     I fed Toothless and Snow. Then I went to the Common Room for dinner. The war was still going on, and the news was on. The news reporter was saying that the Royal Army lost 20 men already, while the Dark Army is still going to strong. The reporter didn’t released any names, but the reporter did say the King You and his Counsel are okay. For now. Usually, the King and his Counsel doesn’t leave their hiding spot, until the very last minute. Because they are the most vulnerable. Also, they are the last line of defense. They are to protect the castle at all times. So, they are not even on the Northern part of Zodiac Island. Which is a relief for me. The most important Healers are also at castle and not at the front line. The most important Healers are the last lie of defense. Basically, the king will send out the weakest out as first line defense which includes, humans, trainees, and slaves to meet the enemy first. Then they would send the second line of defense is the first degree of guards, the third line of defense is the second degree of guards, the fourth line of defense is the third degree of guards, and the fifth line of defense is the Royal Guards. If all these defenses fall, then the king and Counsel would go to war. 

    Brandy turned off the television and turned to us. 

Brandy: -smiling- Let’s play a drinking game. 

Jazzy: No thanks. -getting up from the table- 

Brandy: -pouty- Why?

Jazzy: Because, tomorrow we all have class. If you want to graduate from Basic Training. Then you shouldn’t be playing these games that can get you drunk. 

Brandy: -whisper- Party pooper. 

Jazzy: I heard that. 

Sky: Let’s clean up and get some rest. We have an early start tomorrow. 

    That’s what we all did. Then we went to bed. Before bed I went to my iPad and did some research on Brandy. It turns out that Brandy isn’t a Princess but she acts like one. She comes from a wealthy family and her parents aren’t on the front lines, but they supplies the King’s Army with weapons, clothing, food, and shoes. They are staying on Mythical Kingdom in the save houses. Brandy, is a wealthy and she acts like a princess, but her grades are terrible. In every Healer’s course she was failing for the last 2 weeks. What I didn’t understand is why Brandy is a healer. If she continue like this she is going to be kicked out of the Basic Training program. 

Jazzy: -angry- Unbelievable.

Sky: What’s wrong?

Jazzy: -angry- I just checked Brandy’s grades and she is failing in all her Healer’s course. I don’t understand how she can be a healer. 

Sky: Brandy, is a stupid blond. In the beginning Brandy thought being a healer is going to be easy. Like packing a first aid kit. But when she start taking her classes, she found out that its much harder then that. Being a healer is like being a doctor. You have to learn about the human body. Only the werewolf in you can heal you so much, but if you have internal bleeding the healers has to fix that before your werewolf can heal you. Brandy didn’t know that she has to become a doctor. 

Jazzy: She’s not going to last the next 4 weeks. If she keeps this up. 

Sky: I know. What do you want to do?

Jazzy: I don’t know. All I know we all going to suffer if she keeps this up.

Sky: Well, tomorrow is a brand new day. And maybe the healers won’t need to use what they studied in the last 2 weeks. 

Jazzy: I hope not. 

Sky: Come to bed. We have an early start tomorrow. 

Jazzy: Just one question. What does Jeff see in Brandy?

Sky: -laughing- Jeff sees Brandy as a good partner. Brandy may look like a stupid blond, but she is very good at keeping the children safe. By telling them good stories and making them laugh. 

Jazzy: A nanny isn’t a job. 

Sky: It’s called Healer Nanny. 

Jazzy: Healer Nanny?

Sky: A Healer Nanny is not only taking care of the little ones. A Healer Nanny’s job is also taking care of the animals. There are a lot of types of healers. A Healer Nanny is just one of the jobs. 

Jazzy: I see. 

Sky: Brandy does take care of Jeff very well. So don’t worry Jeff and Brandy are true soul mate. -smiling- 

Jazzy: -getting into bed- I hope so. 

Sky: -rolling over- You’re worry because of what happen to Sophia and Rich. 

Jazzy: Yea. 

Sky: Don’t worry. All of us found our true soul mates. -smiling- 

Jazzy: I hope so. 

    Sky turned off the lights and we went to bed. But I couldn’t fall asleep. Because the war was still going through the night. I was worry for my parents and my sister was staying with my grandparents. I was wondering if they were safe. I want to give my sister a call but calling her would send a signal to the enemy and notify them where her location is. I don’t want any more of my close friends and family members to die. So, I just have focus on my team. We will be fine. 

-End of Chapter Twenty-Three- 

[myfuckofffundjourney]

Money Diary, Week 1

This will be long, and rambly! But it’s good to have it written down.

Tuesday, Jan 2

11 am: feeling like hell, go grab some over the counter decongestants. Pharmacist suggests a proper doctors visit. Make an appointment. 22nis

11:15: grab coffee at cafelix on the way to the bus. 11 nis

11:20: bus. 5.9 nis

12:00: pick up some doctor prescribed decongestants. 16nis.

14:30: bus home. 5.9 nis

14:45: crap. Can’t use transfer - buy another ticket. 5.9 nis

16:30: need water and snacks - 11 nis. I buy a glass bottle that I’ll reuse until I lose it or something. I had a reusable water bottle that i misplaced at a friends house. I keep reminding myself to go find it or buy a new one. That and a portable french press to-go mug, which is the best for my coffee addiction+constantly running around schedule.

22:00: Load my rav kav with 30 shekels. Home, grilled cheese and apple sandwich, TV, free yoga, bed. 30 nis.

107.7

Wednesday, Jan 3

11:00: Woke up feeling good! I planned my day out so that I did yoga, cleaned, and studied for two hours. Breakfast was a few pieces of peanut butter toast and a clementine. Now I need coffee and am out (used the last dregs for a sad cup this morning that just isn’t doing it) so I run out to grab some. 11 nis

14:30: I’m also out of toilet paper. On the way to get some, I drop off a sweater that needs to be dry cleaned. It was free so I don’t mind needing to dry clean it. Plus, its the best sweater ever. Grab a small package of toilet paper. In the future I will try to get to bulk stores and buy in bulk but for now, I’ll go with tiny 4-packs. Successfully restrain myself from buying a snack, telling myself I’m avoiding extra expenses and sugar. 5.5 nis

14:45: Heating up chicken soup for lunch. I see that my maple syrup has some weird blobs floating around in it which means some moths probably got inside. SO ANNOYED. I have more, and I probably didn’t even pay for this one, but it’s still an expensive food item I like having around and it sucks to waste it. Fuck you, moths. Eat my chicken soup, which is nearly finished (thankfully, it was getting a bit boring).

15:00: a friend is giving away a mattress, which I need. I just don’t know how i would get it to where I am, which is a studio sublet for the next 7 days, and where I’d put it after until I move into my new place. This is tricky.

22:00: The chair and mattress don’t work out, which sucks, because it could have saved me a lot of money. Oh well. I head to Jerusalem after class and get dinner with Shlomi. They end up giving us tons of free drinks because I used to work there. We split the bill. 88 nis.

104.5

Thursday Jan 4

10:00: coffee and a donut to nurse my hangover/sit and plan my day. I’m going to work somewhere that pays really well per hour, so things like a coffee in the morning feel less worrisome, as I need to be focused and Shlomi only has shit coffee at his place. A while after I leave, I realize that the guy forgot to ring up my donut, and make a mental note to remind him next time. 15 nis.

11:00: Take a taxi that I can bill to the client. I don’t in the end though. 30 nis.

18:00: Get paid! I worked really reallllllly slowly today so I end up charging them for an hour less. Still, I made 1200nis, and with reimbursements, it came to a nice 3170 nis. Wahoo!

18:30: Bus to meet friends for dinner. 5.9 nis.

20:00: Ugh. I told friends I’d take them to dinner as a thank you for a huge favor (that netted me a good amount of money a week ago). I put down 350 nis. 350 nis.

20:10: Train to the bus station because it is freezing and I’m tired. 5.9 nis.

21:00: Fill my Rav Kav. 100 nis.

22:00: grab chocolate and cream for my very necessary hot chocolate movie date night with myself. 18 nis.

524.8

Friday Jan 5

13:30: Head to a friend to cook and get ready for shabbat. He bought most of the food, which is nice for me. I pick up my sweater from the dry cleaners on the way to him. 30 nis.

13:45: Pick up necessary dinner items (I brought the rest from home) - noodles and nori. It costs 18 nis.

14:30: Meet up with a friend - I really want to get coffee or something but we just grab a package of cookies that I devour. 12 nis.

60

Saturday Jan 6

Money-free day! Woop woop.

Sunday Jan 7

In a fit of annoyance after waiting at the bank for WAY too long, I impulse buy a fuckton of cake. Whoops. 24 nis. But I made all my meals at home - including a truly vile peanut noodle stir fry that used up most of the veggies that were going off. It’s definitely not enough and I’ll probably get a snack later, but at least I ate my big meals (breakfast and dinner) at home.

20:00: buy some chocolate. I eat them and feel like shit in every part of my body. Dumb move. Ugh. 16 nis

40

Monday Jan 8

Morning coffe - 10 nis. After taking care of the bank (does depositing 5,000 nis into a deposit for an apartment count as spending money? Not sure…) I go to hand in receipts for an event  I did a few weeks ago - will hopefully get paid for it soon. I need to return wineglasses I borrowed for it; the taxi ride there and back to a meeting with an interested potential client who wants cooking lessons costs me a shitload of money - 117 nis - and I’m annoyed that I didn’t bill the people who did the event. On the other hand, it might bring it a lot of work in the future so it’s worth it. I hope. Meet friends for coffee and donuts. I end up paying which is annoying but I know she’ll get me back in the future. 38 nis. Then I get lunch because I’m still getting over my sugar hangover. 33 nis. On the way to the bus I grab a water bottle because I feel faint with thirst - 7 nis. Once at school, I duck into a grocery store and pick up a banana, apple,and yogurt for breakfast tomorrow. 13.5 nis. Talk to a friend about signing up for a CSA which should actually save money - it’s 90 shekel a week plus a 20 shekel delivery fee. Divided by two people, it’s 55 shekel a week and should be enough produce for us, and as a bonus, it’s fresh, local, and seasonal and also will help me cut down on impulse grocery store buys.

I know the next few weeks/months are going to be stupidly expensive - I have to move a house, get new things for the new place, replace my phone because it’s dying. I can see that the cord on my computer charger is fraying - it will probably need to get repaired soon or fixed. That’s not to mention the two huge fees that have been looming over me - getting my license and getting my wisdom teeth out. Those two, plus tuition, are the like, massive things that I need to sort out but don’t even know how it is POSSIBLE. Gah.

Go home. Decide not to buy anything even though I need food that’s healthyish. I make some tea and peanut butter toast.

218.5

Tuesday Jan 9

Meet a friend for breakfast even though it’s not the smartest thing to do, but it’s delicious and we have fun. 50 nis.

Grab groceries on the way home, including some oatmeal to replace from what I took in this apartment. I get her a full container even though I only used a tiny bit. 30 nis

Throw in a load of laundry. Jesus christ I cannot WAIT to have a washing machine again. This blows. 20 nis. Then another 6 nis for drying it. Grr.

Head to class. I’m agressively tired so I go to cofix and get a shitty coffee and energy bar. 10 nis.

Happily I get a ride home! Make us tuna wraps and pack the apartment.

116

Wednesday Jan 10

I pack all morning. Kim is here to help me move which is amazing, so I take her for breakfast. Between the two of us and tip, it comes out to 112 nis.

Go home, continue packing. I need to get trash bags because I have nothing to put my linens in, and also replace some soy milk. 24 nis. While in am/pm I get a call from my health insurance - I need to make a late payment. Bloody hell. :(

We drive to make the second drop off - have to wait outside for a key. I get us both a juice because we are irritable and sore and exhausted. 18 nis.

Buy a soda water. 5 nis.

School. Buy a yogurt and clementine. 7.5 nis.

Head to Jerusalem. I’m starving and assuming Shlomi is in school till ten so I grab pizza with a friend. 45 nis. Meet another friend to kill some time - she convinces me to get ice cream. I dont even want ice cream but we’re stoned. Ugh. 15 nis.

226.5

Weekly Total: 1398

Food (groceries) 109

Food (restaurants/not at home/impulse buys) 870 

Transportation 159.5

Transportation, work related: 147

Misc: 99.5