#grief is weird

[nyracel]

“Lord Borros is an eternally proud man. He will be honored to host a prince of the realm, and his dragon. I expect you will receive a very warm welcome.”

House of the Dragon 1.10: The Black Queen

“She is grieving. A raven has told Rhaenyra that her son is dead. She needs to know it for certain.”

House of the Dragon 2.01: A Son for a Son

[moriilese]

blame means you are hurt, hurt is anger, anger is grief, grief is love or a lack thereof

[monkeymeghan]

I broke down a bit this evening and had a good cry. I’ve been thinking about Mom a lot recently, as Thursday was her birthday. I finally let it all out and talked with Dad and cried and got hugs from him. I just opened Finch and Gizmo is dreaming of Guardian Angel, something she’s never encountered or mentioned before. I’m taking it as a sign as I sit here with tears in my eyes.

[fetchmearum420]

I miss him so much :(

When he died, my heart literal broke into a million pieces.

Jonesy was amazing. I miss him with every fiber of my being.

[h2llish]

okay perhaps im still not over her death

[tpwkmadeline]

you guys know when you’ve already had such a long day and that one thing happens that makes you literally spiral and you just have to lay on your bed with all the lights off and no noise

[lovitachi]

what a strange world it is to outlive the musicians/celebrities you looked up to, or had some influence in your life. their presence at a point became normal, like they were always there at the back of your mind even if you had outgrown them or learned of their faults. the music, personalities etc are etched into your being in some way no matter how minuscule.

[ashleywool]

on the absurdity of grief: when these objectively benign or positive things make you intensely sad

-Being enthusiastically recognized at the Drama Book Shop and asked for an autograph/selfie. She was VERY sweet and we had a lovely chat. The sadness had nothing to do with her, and everything to do with me remembering how I frequented the 40th St. location as a tiny baby actressling, poring over all the acting/auditioning books I could find, plagued by a persistent feeling of needing to "catch up." And the saddest part is knowing that even if I could have seen the future back then, I would've been like "but why did it take so long?"

-The folks at my physical therapy clinic telling me "it's rare to see a patient who's as motivated and consistent as you are, even if they have the time and the resources." Why wouldn't I be? I've spent my whole adult life remaining motivated and consistent about pursuing a career that is renowned for the rarity of its success. Of course I'm gonna be motivated and consistent about following a program that has been steadily improving my quality of life within a matter of weeks, AND which my insurance covers in full. It's extremely easy to be motivated to do things that get you immediate, progressive positive results and require no sacrifice. The sadness is because I wish I could get HALF these results from everything else I was motivated and consistent about. And I wish other people could too.

-Going into the cafe I used to take my friends to when they came to HTDIO and seeing the same lovely woman behind the counter who always gave me a discount because of how much business I brought them, and seeing her still give me the discount every time even though I'm not bringing the business.

-Looking at clothes of mine that I specifically remember wearing for certain moments in HTDIO rehearsal, even if I've also worn them ten thousand other places.

-The fact that I'm still using the same cream blush stick that Sarafina (costume designer) gave me for the Syracuse run. Makeup I had in Syracuse should not have outlasted the Broadway run. Makeup I had on Broadway should not have outlasted the Broadway run.

-The intrusive thoughts that come with seeing something in the media about some major Broadway person and then remembering that that Broadway person knows who I am. And the craziest part is, the reason they know who I am is because I am also a Broadway person. Like, I'll be minding my own business, doing the dishes or whatever, and then maybe I'll discover that the milk in my fridge spoiled because I only ever use it for baking and I haven't baked in a while, and then my theatre kid brain will be like, "The milk has gone bad, hold up just a second, why is everything in this fridge warm and tepid?" and the impulse will be to continue the lyrics, but then I remember LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA FOLLOWS ME ON INSTAGRAM NOW and the next thing I know I'm standing catatonically over my sink with the carton of spoiled milk in my hand, my executive functioning having short-circuited so intensely that I forgot that I'm supposed to pour the milk down the drain and not just stare at the open spout on the upright carton hoping the smell dissipates, and then eventually I snap out of it and get rid of the milk and the carton, but then I need to lie down, and then I feel like I have to apologize to Lin-Manuel Miranda because even though he's not physically present, and we haven't directly interacted since he came to the show, and he probably devotes maybe 0.01% of his time to thinking about what that one chick from the autism musical who showed him that Strong Bad gif might be up to right now, I just know he felt that somehow and he does not deserve to be telepathically assaulted by my weirdness like that, and the worst part is that I'm sure the embarrassment I made myself feel as a result of this made-up situation that I made up wouldn't feel nearly as pathetic if the show was still running.

Grief is weird.

[allineedtosay]

It isn’t good from me that now I show up to share my thoughts and feelings when I’m stressed, sad or something similar…but I have to say that maybe it’s because I feel safe here, you guys make me feel safe not just the app. As you can possibly tell today is a sad day…

Wanted to say thank you for all the unconditional love and support 💕 love you all!

[youngpettyqueen]

.

[whisperedlouis]

Death and everything that comes with it is so complicated.

[oh-katsuki]

its very strange losing a friend because there are moments of clarity and moments of overwhelming grief and moments of a very unplaceable pain and sorrow. it dredges up memories of friends you may have lost before or the people who left this world sooner rather than later. and you just sort of ache for them and for their pain… what they must have felt to want to leave so suddenly. even if you hadn’t spoken in a while, or if you spoke every day, or if you’d promised to speak but always forgotten. your heart just sort of longs for them. for the ability to do so.. and it just sort of comes up empty.

[llicorice]

better alive than dead

things wwill get better evven if they’re really fuckin shitty right noww

im not sure if you need to hear that but it seems like ur not havving a fun time so i hope this helps atleast a bit

🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🦎

thank u lizard anon i sure hope things get better

[monkeymeghan]

For some reason, yesterday was really hard. I was missing my mom and really struggling with grief. I had a 4p-10:30p shift. I cried before I went to work. I cried in the car before I went in. I cried in the back room before my shift. Then I went to the bathroom, gave myself a pep talk in the mirror, washed my face, and returned to the back to prepare for my shift. As I walked into the back room, my manager’s “hi Meghan” immediately became “omg what’s wrong?!” once she got a good look at me and could tell I had been crying. So, of course I start crying again. She just took my in her arms and I told her how I was really missing my mom that day for no reason in particular. That I can usually hold it together, but I was just having a really hard time. She asked if I wanted to go home, to which I immediately said “no, I’ll be ok. I want to be dependable,” and she told me that I am. She was so sincere, making sure I was ok and letting me know I could go home then if I wanted to, or leave early if I had to. I just asked if I could do dishes and less customer-facing tasks, and she said of course. Everyone was so good to me last night, letting me do dishes, making back-ups, and doing clean-play tasks. I might not have dealt with more than a handful of customers, but I still worked hard all night. One of my fellow closers even got a good laugh out of me when he almost knocked over the mop bucket, but then “saved it!!!” while only spilling a little water. I thanked him, because I truly needed that, and it felt so good to laugh. I texted my manager this morning to thank her.

[phasedchirp]

The thought "Mom would really like this band" continues to be a way that grief really sneaks up on me. It still sucks that we'll never get to sort out all the other stuff, but sometimes I just really miss being able to share music with her

[e-rinhkart]

One month ago today. I still feel like I could just call him at any moment and he’d pick up.