#grief is weird

[daeneryspilled]

“Lord Borros is an eternally proud man. He will be honored to host a prince of the realm, and his dragon. I expect you will receive a very warm welcome.”

House of the Dragon 1.10: The Black Queen

“She is grieving. A raven has told Rhaenyra that her son is dead. She needs to know it for certain.”

House of the Dragon 2.01: A Son for a Son

[moriilese]

blame means you are hurt, hurt is anger, anger is grief, grief is love or a lack thereof

[monkeymeghan]

I broke down a bit this evening and had a good cry. I’ve been thinking about Mom a lot recently, as Thursday was her birthday. I finally let it all out and talked with Dad and cried and got hugs from him. I just opened Finch and Gizmo is dreaming of Guardian Angel, something she’s never encountered or mentioned before. I’m taking it as a sign as I sit here with tears in my eyes.

[f1-disaster-bi]

It'll be a year today in a few hours since Granda passed.

Just like this time last year, I'm sitting up and thinking. Thinking about all the time we had. Looking at pictures. Crying and laughing and just feeling so much.

I wish we had had more time. I wish he and my aunt had had more time. I'm glad they aren't in pain, but I can't say I wouldn't do anything for one last hug or a kiss on the cheek or to hear his voice.

The day we lost my aunt it took me hours to get to my home town and when I did, it was to everyone tell me he had been asking for me because I was alone when I got the call and he was worried. He was so worried about all of us, making us promise he wouldn't lose anyone else and three weeks later we lost him.

He knew he didn't have time. He made sure we would be okay.

I miss him every day. I am grateful every single day that I can say that my Granda was the best father figure I could have ever asked for.

He taught me how to whistle and how to play conkers. He snuck me Milkyway Magic Stars and made me tea every day after school. He let me practice piano even when he wanted to watch a western or his racing. He came to two of my graduations, and only missed the third because of covid. He told his friends in the swimming pool about me and my achievements and asked them to look out for me when I started going swimming alone the summer I was turning thirteen.

He was endlessly proud of me even when I didn't deserve it.

Grief sucks, but I know he's out there somewhere sharing a cup of tea with my godmother and they're keeping each other company. He simply didn't want her to be alone. He knew the rest of us would be okay.

I miss you fiercely Granda. I always will.

Codladh go maith, a sheanathair. Go dtí go gcasfar le chéile sinn arís. ❤️

[fetchmearum420]

I miss him so much :(

When he died, my heart literal broke into a million pieces.

Jonesy was amazing. I miss him with every fiber of my being.

[h2llish]

okay perhaps im still not over her death

[tpwkmadeline]

you guys know when you’ve already had such a long day and that one thing happens that makes you literally spiral and you just have to lay on your bed with all the lights off and no noise

[ashleywool]

on the absurdity of grief: when these objectively benign or positive things make you intensely sad

-Being enthusiastically recognized at the Drama Book Shop and asked for an autograph/selfie. She was VERY sweet and we had a lovely chat. The sadness had nothing to do with her, and everything to do with me remembering how I frequented the 40th St. location as a tiny baby actressling, poring over all the acting/auditioning books I could find, plagued by a persistent feeling of needing to "catch up." And the saddest part is knowing that even if I could have seen the future back then, I would've been like "but why did it take so long?"

-The folks at my physical therapy clinic telling me "it's rare to see a patient who's as motivated and consistent as you are, even if they have the time and the resources." Why wouldn't I be? I've spent my whole adult life remaining motivated and consistent about pursuing a career that is renowned for the rarity of its success. Of course I'm gonna be motivated and consistent about following a program that has been steadily improving my quality of life within a matter of weeks, AND which my insurance covers in full. It's extremely easy to be motivated to do things that get you immediate, progressive positive results and require no sacrifice. The sadness is because I wish I could get HALF these results from everything else I was motivated and consistent about. And I wish other people could too.

-Going into the cafe I used to take my friends to when they came to HTDIO and seeing the same lovely woman behind the counter who always gave me a discount because of how much business I brought them, and seeing her still give me the discount every time even though I'm not bringing the business.

-Looking at clothes of mine that I specifically remember wearing for certain moments in HTDIO rehearsal, even if I've also worn them ten thousand other places.

-The fact that I'm still using the same cream blush stick that Sarafina (costume designer) gave me for the Syracuse run. Makeup I had in Syracuse should not have outlasted the Broadway run. Makeup I had on Broadway should not have outlasted the Broadway run.

-The intrusive thoughts that come with seeing something in the media about some major Broadway person and then remembering that that Broadway person knows who I am. And the craziest part is, the reason they know who I am is because I am also a Broadway person. Like, I'll be minding my own business, doing the dishes or whatever, and then maybe I'll discover that the milk in my fridge spoiled because I only ever use it for baking and I haven't baked in a while, and then my theatre kid brain will be like, "The milk has gone bad, hold up just a second, why is everything in this fridge warm and tepid?" and the impulse will be to continue the lyrics, but then I remember LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA FOLLOWS ME ON INSTAGRAM NOW and the next thing I know I'm standing catatonically over my sink with the carton of spoiled milk in my hand, my executive functioning having short-circuited so intensely that I forgot that I'm supposed to pour the milk down the drain and not just stare at the open spout on the upright carton hoping the smell dissipates, and then eventually I snap out of it and get rid of the milk and the carton, but then I need to lie down, and then I feel like I have to apologize to Lin-Manuel Miranda because even though he's not physically present, and we haven't directly interacted since he came to the show, and he probably devotes maybe 0.01% of his time to thinking about what that one chick from the autism musical who showed him that Strong Bad gif might be up to right now, I just know he felt that somehow and he does not deserve to be telepathically assaulted by my weirdness like that, and the worst part is that I'm sure the embarrassment I made myself feel as a result of this made-up situation that I made up wouldn't feel nearly as pathetic if the show was still running.

Grief is weird.

[allineedtosay]

It isn’t good from me that now I show up to share my thoughts and feelings when I’m stressed, sad or something similar…but I have to say that maybe it’s because I feel safe here, you guys make me feel safe not just the app. As you can possibly tell today is a sad day…

Wanted to say thank you for all the unconditional love and support 💕 love you all!

[youngpettyqueen]

.

[etherealdaddii]

it feels so wrong to be older than you now

[whisperedlouis]

Death and everything that comes with it is so complicated.

[monkeymeghan]

I’m freezing and just put on Mom’s wrap that’s been on the couch, unmoved since last year. (Photo from Google/eBay). I was almost knocked over when I caught a whiff of Mom on it. I immediately started sobbing. It’s something I never thought I’d experience again, and it hit me so hard. It was comforting and overwhelming and just too much for words. I just miss her so much.

[oh-katsuki]

its very strange losing a friend because there are moments of clarity and moments of overwhelming grief and moments of a very unplaceable pain and sorrow. it dredges up memories of friends you may have lost before or the people who left this world sooner rather than later. and you just sort of ache for them and for their pain… what they must have felt to want to leave so suddenly. even if you hadn’t spoken in a while, or if you spoke every day, or if you’d promised to speak but always forgotten. your heart just sort of longs for them. for the ability to do so.. and it just sort of comes up empty.

[llicorice]

better alive than dead

things wwill get better evven if they’re really fuckin shitty right noww

im not sure if you need to hear that but it seems like ur not havving a fun time so i hope this helps atleast a bit

🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🦎

thank u lizard anon i sure hope things get better

[phasedchirp]

The thought "Mom would really like this band" continues to be a way that grief really sneaks up on me. It still sucks that we'll never get to sort out all the other stuff, but sometimes I just really miss being able to share music with her