#i have a box full of coins ready to be put into a sock for beating purposes

[mercurialmalcontent]

Hey, fyi those sisters of the solstice pictures are AI generated. No worries if you already knew, but you don't seem to be a fan of it so I thought I'd mention it.

While I'm not a fan, I'm most specifically not a fan of the "I put a bunch of prompts into a generator so now I'm a Real Artist" type. The "I don't want to pay an artist so I'm going to generate some complete bullshit" type (i.e. that hilarious diaster of a Willy Wonka event). The type lazy, cheap assholes use as an excuse for not building their skills or paying people to do good work.

However, Rob Sheridan is a professional artist and has been such since well before anyone could get AI to shit out images (he was NIN's art director for 15 years, from 1999-2014). His images demonstrate style and aesthetics that are consistent with his earlier work, which suggests to me that he's using AI as a tool and not as a substitute for skill, thought, and time.

Shame the ethics of AI image generators are a mess!

[bloodycassian]

LEATHERBOUND - Reader x Cassian - (I think I missed this request but I think someone req’d something similar) Reader is a librarian in Illyria when Cassian comes in asking for help finding something.

Cassian's favorite time of year in Illyria was the winter days where the sun was out. The winds were harsh enough to stun his wings, but the rays from the sun were warm enough for a perfect contrast. Not letting him freeze, but not letting him get too hot either. 

The muddiness also became packed ice instead of the mess it had been over the summer. It was still messy in the more trafficked areas, but not nearly as bad. He couldn't hide the joy that rept into his heart at the sight of so many Illyrians taking joy in the season. Small winged children threw snowballs at passerbys from a ledge. A broad winged male scared them off with a flyover. Cassian entered the small shop, the smell of dust and worn carpet whirled around him. It was comforting in a strange way. It reminded him of being a child. Innocent and curiously exploring different shops at his home.

The bell above rang in a dull tone. He looked up and saw the shotty repair job on the ringer. Not exactly as it had been when he was a child, it seemed. "Stay right there!" You called from the back, putting away the stack of books you held. They clattered into the bin loudly. The sound of rustling made him curious.

"I'm just here for-" He called, starting to step further into the room. The books lined the short walls, and the stacks in the middle looked percaiously stacked. They were organized, but the bottom of the stack seemed stained. He doubted the resources for another bookcase were available. 

"I know, just dont move. I just cleaned the carpet." You brought a towel from the front desk over and placed it beside the small outcropping of hard wood you had laid out for anyone first entering the store. "This is the last building in Illyria with carpets. I'd like to keep it that way." You said when the dark haired male gave you a pinched look. He bent and began taking off his boots. Boots that looked far too new for the likes of an Illyrian. 

Watching him do so, you noticed the two Siphons on his hands. Then the one on his knee. Your head went fuzzy. What had you done to deserve a visit from the Lord of Bloodshed? He noticed your stare and gave you a wolfish smile. You didn't flinch away from it. The wind howled at the gaps in the stone, and you cleared your throat.

"So what do you need?" You asked, crossing your hands behind your back. Ready to be of service. Hopefully he wouldn't demand too much of your small store.

"You said you knew. So you tell me." He said with a sly smile. You stammered, sweat slicking your palms. "I didnt mean- We have several ah..." You looked away, at the different categories of spellbooks and history of Prythian. Shame fell in your gut at the bottom layers of books that made the stack in the middle of the room.

"I'm looking for a cookbook. One with Illyrian recipes." He stepped to the carpet, his dark socks immaculate against the worn pattern. 

"Is the high lord a fan of home made treats?" You laughed at the odd request. Then covered your mouth, the embarrassment turned your ears red. "I'm sorry-" "No, its fine." Cassian chuckled, pulling a book off a shelf. It was of the first war, and was bound in dark leather. "He does. But the book isn't for him. The high ladies sister, actually." 

The one of hellfire and stone or the one that seemed to be a ghost? You dared not question him. "A solstice gift?" You asked, showing him over to the small cooking section you had obtained over centuries. They weren't of much use in Illyria, but the few travelers found them fascinating. 

"Yes, she's had a rough year." His voice was somber, but the hope still lingered in his eyes.

You let the words sink in. The silence wasn't uncomfortable, his presence was warm and welcoming, actually. As if he was putting off a vibe of 'I'm safe.' You handed him a complete cookbook full of basic recipes and baking. The cover was so worn the title was unreadable. Dark spots stained the inner pages, you knew because you'd borrowed the book several times. "We all have." He flicked through it for a moment, smiling. His teeth were immaculate, and a bit extra pointy on his canines. The sight of them sent a thrill through you.

"I recommend the sweet dough. It's spice free, the only thing you need for it is pine needles and sap." You flicked the pages to one you had bookmarked. The opposite side was full of different types of cakes to make with minimal ingredients. 

"I'm too familiar with it." He laughed, shaking his head. Some fond memories from long ago lingered there. He could recall the scent of the bread with full accuracy. The way it the needles would char on top of the dough if there were too many. 

"How much do I owe you?" He pinned the leather under his arm and pulled a satchel from his pocket. Your heart raced at the glimpse of so many gold coins there. 

"Ah- it'll be Twenty silvers." You said, embarrassment coating your tongue. He didnt even look like he was carrying and silver. He eyed you speculatively. "Twenty silvers for a full book?" He asked. You nodded, trying not to wring your hands. He fished a gold coin from the pouch and held it out to you. "Let me get you some change... it may take a second." You fumbled to the desk where you kept your coin inside a spellbound box. 

"Dont worry about it. I'll be back another time." He called, setting the book on the floor to pull on his shoes. "Lord Cas-" You began to protest.

"Just Cassian." He corrected, grunting as he pulled on the boots. "Call it a tab." He winked and eyed the ripped, hole filled curtains of the front window. How they swayed in the breeze that drifted in from the rocks. 

"I'll be seeing you." His eyes scanned you, and you nodded. "Be seeing you." You said back, your mouth dry. He was intimidating in the ways you'd never thought of. Not in a scary way, but in a sly way that made your heart race. The bell over his head dinged hollowly as he exited, shoving the book into his backpack. You tried not to stare as he left. 

+ The Solstice party was a success as it normally was. Nesta kept to herself in the corner with Amren while everyone else exchanged gifts. Elain's eyes lit up at the book, and she hugged Cassian with heart. "I'll be making you something tomorrow." She promised. Cassian felt the flicker of cold over him and shot Az a look. They glowered at one another. 

Rhys leveled a look at both of them that got them to straighten up. Feyre handed out mugs of hot cider. Mor brought around a bottle of liquor to mix with it. The night was warm with friends and joy. Besides the cold corner where Nesta sat. Cassian did his best to ignore it. As did everyone else. 

He was nearly the last to leave. The cider had effected him more than he thought. But it warmed his insides against the cold wind of Velaris. He wrapped his wings around himself to shield from the cold. He thought of the librarian who had given him the book. His mind drifted to the rest of that day, how Devlon had even seemed cheerful. 

He wondered if you were doing anything, if you had any family celebrating with you. If you had a mate that spoiled you. His heart kicked up at the thought of it. He hadn't noticed a ring...or any tattoos to signify a mating bond. He couldn't recall much else. He had been stunned by the beauty and simplicity of you and your shop. He couldnt remember if you had wings. 

The frustration ate at him. He had to know more. He needed to know if you had a good solstice. He made a plan. "It would be good karma" He told himself, entering one of the several shops on the way to the townhome. His excitement made it nearly impossible to sleep that night. + "Happy solstice." A voice called from the front door. You hadn't heard the bell chime. 

You rushed to the front, making sure that the carpet hadn't been ruined. The curtains whipped from the wind outside. The enormous Illyrian shut the door with a firm gentleness that made your heart race. His hands wrapped around a small wooden box. Well, it was small in his hands. 

"It's the day after solstice. Happy late solstice." You corrected, striding over to him and giving him a look about the shoes. They looked incredibly clean. "You still need to take them off." 

"I know. You need to open this first." He forced the box upon you and stooped to begin unlacing the boots.  "What-"

"Just open it." He stood and followed you to the counter. Heat flooded your cheeks, you hadn't gotten him anything. Not that you could afford it, or even knew what he would want. "Why did you get this?" You asked, trying to hide the tension in your voice.

"So you dont have to cook that sweetbread again." He said with a grin, staring at you. At how your hands delicately removed the lid from the box. Then at your stunned reaction at the waft of spices that spilled from the box. "Cassian-" You breathed, utterly speechless. 

"I have a request too...So you can't say its too much. It's for me too." He went to the shelf where he'd gotten the cookbook for Elain. "Make us these, and we'll call it even."

"Cassian... I'm not a cook. I dont bake." You laughed when he pointed at the spice cakes in the book. "Maybe ask the sister-" You pushed the box toward him, the heaviness of it screamed 'expensive' to you. Guilt marred the joy of receiving the gift.

He pushed it firmly back to you, locking eyes. He noted the way you tensed at that stare. He eased, trying to ignore the scent mixing with the smell of leather and spice. "I want you to make it, using these." He patted the top of the box. 

You debated with yourself. The male carried around more gold than you'd ever seen. And he wasn't worried about it. You figured if it was a gift then he genuinely wanted you to have it. You sighed and took the box, placing it under the shelf beside your bag. Your wings pinched at the movement. 

You ignored how his eyes lingered on your scarred members. You were used to it from some males, but never one as important and high ranking as him. He shook himself and refocused, pulling himself out of the rage he was feeling at the sight of your ruined wings. 

"Any other requests?" You sighed, feigning annoyance. His toothy grin made your stomach do flips. 

[gods-no-longer-tread-here]

wrote this last night when I was sad because I need more happy Geralt in my life. The ending is not what I wanted it to be, but I like the rest of it.

Partially inspired by one of @bounce-a-coin-off-your-witcher ‘s fics. You are a most gracious person, Bouncey <3

Geralt returned home from work and immediately dashed to the bathroom, ignoring his housemate’s raised eyebrow. Regis just didn’t understand.

Geralt was so excited that he almost forgot to take off his socks before hopping in the shower. He hummed a little ditty to himself as he scrubbed his body completely with the soap he bought online specifically because his boyfriend had mentioned it off-hand.

His boyfriend was very refined. Jaskier liked nice smells, and soft clothing, and good food, and holding Geralt’s hand. He was all about sensuality, about indulgence in small things and being happy. And he said that being with Geralt made him happy.

Geralt grinned to himself as he washed his hair. Well, he was happy with Jaskier, too.

“Date night, date night,” he whispered to the tune of the song he’d hummed. “Date night and kisses, kisses and a date, for me for me for me!”

He already had an outfit picked out, but he worried over it for fifteen minutes anyway, before putting it on and tying his hair back again. He then grabbed his jacket, wallet, phone, and keys, and went out to sit in the living room, still excited but more contained. Regis still looked amused.

“Why haven’t you moved in with him yet?” the elder man drawled, turning a page in his book. “If you love him so much, why spend entire days fretting about seeing him when you can just be with him?”

Geralt scowled at Regis. Just because Regis had had a loving marriage for most of his life he thought he was better at relationships. “It’s not that easy,” Geralt retorted. “I want to… be sure.”

Regis looked Geralt in the eye and raised both brows. “My dear boy,” he said dryly, “You have been going on dates with him twice a week for several months. You have told me three times, only once drunk, that you want to marry him. What do you need to be sure about?”

Geralt scowled and refused to answer him.

There was a knock on the door, and Geralt jumped to his feet, smoothing the front of his jacket nervously. Regis smiled, but Geralt didn’t see, already rushing to the door.

He opened the door more quickly than usual, but he did that every time it was date night. And then he had to stop and stare, as always, because Jaskier was absolutely gorgeous.

Jaskier had gotten his hair cut; buzzed sides and back, smoothly sweeping up into a stripe of his naturally floppy, silky brown hair. His outfit for the night was velvet, panels of sea-green and sky blue, in a style that seemed to be all his own; high waist, slim legs, lace-up closures, and a doublet closed with hooks. He always wore silver rings, but there was a new one on a black velvet ribbon around his neck. Geralt’s eyes skipped over it.

Jaskier smiled, and as usual Geralt felt like he should be covering himself because surely he wasn’t worthy of such warmth and acceptance.

“Ready, love?” Jaskier asked cheerfully.

Geralt nodded and stepped out of the house. As soon as he closed the door, Jaskier turned Geralt’s face with his fingertips, so warm and gentle, and kissed him softly.

“I missed you,” Jaskier murmured. “I always miss you.”

Geralt kissed back, reveling in the warm, earthy scent of Jaskier’s cologne. “I missed you too,” he hummed, and kissed Jaskier’s cheek. “Where are we going, again?”

Jaskier smiled and pinched Geralt’s cheeks, snickering as Geralt scrunched his face in displeasure. “I’ll tell you in the car, love.”

Geralt linked his hand with Jaskier’s and went with him willingly. He would go anywhere Jaskier asked him to.

Date night, date night, date night and kisses, kisses and a date, for him for him for him.

Jaskier had snagged tickets to the final performance of a musical called “The Witchest”. They had already seen it twice together, but Jaskier insisted, and Geralt was happy to agree. It was a strange but amusing show, and Geralt liked to kiss Jaskier in the shadows of the Pankratz family box while listening to the laughter of the crowd and the bard’s singing.

Dinner was at a Skellige inspired restaurant, one of Geralt’s favorites. He wondered why Jaskier had chosen this place, when they both knew full-well that the intense scents of Skellige cuisine made him ill, but he couldn’t find it in himself to ask. Something about the way Jaskier fiddled with that new ring more and more as the night continued made him reluctant to say anything other than the million and one things he could only talk about with Jaskier.

Jaskier asked if they could take a turn through the park nearby; Geralt agreed, thinking that Jaskier wanted fresh air.

He did. But not for the reason Geralt has suspected.

“Geralt, my darling… will you marry me?”

Geralt didn’t cry, solely because he was too shocked. But when he put on the ring, warm from Jaskier’s skin, his eyes started watering, and he wrapped his arms around Jaskier and kissed him, relaxing so completely when Jaskier returned the embrace that he could’ve sworn they were floating on clouds.

Kisses, kisses and a date, and a ring. For him, for him, for him.

[slygirl666]

call me your love

chapter 1

master list

warnings: none 

When you and Ginny reached the carriage Fred was soothing the horses attached to it. When he opened the door motioning for you to go up the two steps. When Ginny walked up he teasingly bowed to her, an action that earned quite laughter from you and a smack on the chest from Ginny.

The short ride to the town was filled with Ginny animatedly telling you all about the town. The second the carriage stopped she jumped out the door, when you got off you noticed Fred tying the horses. Ginny linked your arms leading you to mrs. Kranders.

The young woman currently working took measurements trying to find things that fit you properly.

Ginny looked through the things already made finding a simple powder blue dress that from the looks of it would go just below her knees. It was pretty,but it looked rather large for her small frame.

“Ma’am,” you looked at the woman currently measuring her. “Can you find my friend a better fitting dress?”

“Yes miss,” she nodded.

When you had three dresses, all a thin cotton with full skirts that reached past her knees. Ginny was surprised when the woman called for her to replace you. You watched as Ginny squirmed under the touch of the woman.  

When she had finished Ginny had a dress in the same powder blue with a better fit. Ginny counted the coin out of the pouch Sirius had handed her before. The two girls walked out with the dresses in separate boxes.

Fred was across the street talking to a woman that looked to be around his age, she was beautiful with glowing chocolate skin and dark hair tied back neatly, her collared shirt and long skirt made her look refined.

“Freddie,” Ginny called as they walked across the street. The young woman gave him a smile as she walked off. “Angelina?”

He nodded looking slightly flushed.

“She fancies the twins,” Ginny winked to you. She quickly turned her attention back to her brother. “Show Y/N around, will you? I have to pick up things for mum.”

“Of course,” he nodded to Ginny who was already bounding off. He motioned for you to walk with him. “Miss Lestrange, is there anything you’d like to see?”

“Can we just walk?” he nodded, leading her around the people selling things,she found a man selling strands of hair ribbon. “I'm going to buy something.”

Fred nodded watching you go up to the man, you got three ribbons matching your own dresses and a lovely blue one that you knew would suit Ginny.

“Did you really need four miss Lestrange,” Fred smirked. You couldn’t help but smile at the teasing tone he had.

“No I needed three,” you looked down a bit bashfully. “The other is a gift for Ginny.”

“You didn’t have to do that miss.”

“I wanted to, I truly meant it when I said I want to be friends with her.” you met his gentle hazle gaze, held warmth and surprise.

“I’m  sure she’ll love it.” the two of you continued to walk.

The two of you passed a book shop, in the small window you saw a girl reading a book. “Fred, what's this place?”

“It's the Granger’s book shop,” He nodded looking into the window before tapping on it. The girl looked up from her book smiling. She put the book down and came out the door.

“Hello Fred, Ginivera just stopped by,” she smiled. Then turned to you, “she said you had a new member in the house. I'm Hermione Granger, miss.”

“Y/N Lestrange,” you smiled at her. “If you don’t mind me asking what are you reading?”

“A book on healing, It can come in handy around here.” she smiled at you.

“Hemione is the smartest girl around,” Fred smirked, that sparked your interest.

“Do you tutor?” she looked genuinely surprised. “I was never educated past basic reading. My cousin is trying to find me a tuto-”

“That would be great,” hermione smiled brilliantly.

“I’ll have my cousin write to you then.”

“Thank you miss Lestrange.” she excitedly ran back into the shop.

“You miss Lestrange are full of surprises.” Fred gave you a smirk.

“I’d rather not be predictable Fredrick.” You continued to walk.

* * *

You quickly learned that sundays were rather lazy at Grimmauld manor, you and Ginny sat on a quilt eating a light lunch in their new dresses. Ginny used the ribbon you gifted her to tie off a loose braid over her shoulder, you were right the brighter blue set off her red hair and the light dress perfectly.

Fred and George walked up to you two, Fred sat across from you, George right next to him, he took a piece of fruit off your plate before giving you a wink.

“You ladies fancy a ride?” Fred asked.

“Who's going?” Ginny spoke up.

“Ron is.” Fred grabbed another piece of your food before adding, “so is Harry.”

You noticed how the girl's cheeks went pink at the mention of his name. “Y/N can we go?”

“Why not?” you turned to her.

“Let me pack up boys.” Ginny jumped up, “can we go to the pond?”

There were two identical nods, Ginny walked back to the house excitedly.

Fred offered a hand to help you up, You took it. The feeling of his hand in yours was new and pleasant. “Would you like to come with me to prepare the horses, miss Lestrange?”

George looked to his brother clearly puzzled, “Freddie, Miss Lestrange you don't have to-”

“No I would like to,” you smiled at the boys. “I love horses and haven’t gotten to see them since my arrival.”

Fred moved ahead faster leaving George to walk slower allowing you to follow. You noticed George's silence, he was almost hesitant to talk to you unlike all the other Weasley children.

When you reach the stables Fred is waiting for the two of you,  he almost seems to be vibrating in his place.

“Common pick a horse,” Fred moved to show you the different horses of different colors. Your eyes settled on a solid black one, “thats Bella.”

He put his hand out for your and brought it to her nose, guiding you to pet her gently. “Should I get her ready for you?”

You wanted to nod but you never rode a horse on your own.

You watched as George called Fred to the side and they whispered. You continued patting Bella. Mesmerized by the velvety feeling of her skin.

You had always liked looking at horses and when your mother was away your father would let you ride with him, but that had been years ago.

Fred walked back to you, “Miss Lestrange, we can take it slower than the rest.”

He started getting the stuff ready to dress the horse, George had already prepared two already. You sat back watching them work, eyes lingering longer on Fred.

“Y/N?” Ginny, Harry and Ron were beside you. Harry had a smirk on his face as though he knew where your mind was. “Who am I riding with?”

“Me,” George called. He spotted the basket in her arms, “what did you bring?”

“That's a surprise dear brother.” Ginny went to pet their horse.

“Pretty aren’t they?” Harry said in a hushed voice.

“Who?” playing coy may be the only thing that could get you through the idea that harry knew what you were thinking about.

“The Weasleys,” He smirked. “Fiery creatures, with hair to match. Be careful Y/N one can take your heart easily.”

You followed Harry’s gaze to Ginny, “do you speak from experience?”

He chuckled, “I shouldn't say.”

“We’re ready to go,” Ronald Weasley called out to you both. Harry jumped onto the horse with ease.

You reapproached Fred who waved you over. “You jump up and I will help you, okay?”

You nodded turning to the horse, you felt fred behind you, towering over you. You jumped with ease Freds hands finding your waist for a moment as he used his strength to lift you up onto the horse. You moved a leg to the other side once you got up.

Fred guided you and Bella out to the others, he joined you on his own horse. “You lot go ahead, Miss and i will go a bit slower.”

Ron smiled, “race you.” before he shot off followed by Harry and the Weasleys.

Fred taught you how to get the horses to move,  the trail was clear and not too long filled with comforting jokes from Fred. Soon you saw the other hoses tied up on a broken fence. He got down tying his horse before going to help you off.

As you slowly slid off the horse, Fred’s hand found your waist once again. This time holding you facing him. You two were close, his eyes locked on yours as your face passed his.

The moment left you winding what the locks of flaming hair would feel like between your fingers.

You shook the thought, “We should get to the others.”

He nodded leading you to a path too small for the horses, “it's a short walk to the pond.”

It was a bit of a hike to a beautiful plane, there were patches of daisies and a deep emerald pond.

Harry was helping Ginny set out the blanket the two of you sat on earlier while Ron and George were taking off their shoes and socks. You and Fred looked at each other before running to Ginny and Harry.

“Take you stockings off,” Ginny moved to remove her own. You must have looked shocked because she laughed. “You can go into the pond with them if you’d like, it's not very comfortable though.”

“Right,” you sat and began undoing the ribbon that held her stockings up. Taking off your shoes and rolling them down off your legs. Ginny hopped up from her place motioning for you to do the same.

She took your hand before turning to the boys, “don’t touch my basket, it's for later.”

She pulled you to the pond where Ron and George were already splashing around, their shirts, socks and shoes discarded on the grass.

You walked into the water shocked at the cold, Ginny was already swimming around, though it was so shallow it wasn't necessary until you reached a certain point.

Everyone was in the water the six of you splashed and played. You watched as everyone went further into the pond.

“Not coming out, miss Lestrange?” Fred was next to you.

“I’m not too confident in my ability to be out so far into the water.”  Y/N laughed.

The boy moved so he would be on his back, for a brief moment you saw the muscle on his chest. You looked away, “Float with me then?”

“What?”

“Do you know how to?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Then just Float.”

You moved onto your back, arms out you closed your eyes. You felt a lightness in your chest you hadn’t felt in years.

* * *

You had gotten tired of the water rather quickly, something about it drained your energy. You had gone and collected a large amount of daisies, finding a clear lush green spot on the grass you sat weaving them together.

Ginny and Ron sat next to you watching curiously, “I always tried to do that as a child but could not, how do you do that?”

You laughed showing them each how to weave them together into a simple crown. you put yours on Ginny’s head, she put hers on yours, and ron decided upon wearing his own.

“I feel quite pretty,” he laughed, adjusting it.

“I say it's time to open the basket, yes?”

“Yes, please Gin,” Ron groaned. “I’m starving.”

“Then go get the others.” you continued weaving more of them together as Ginny set out biscuits, fruit and cups.

“Y/N, common you can bring your flowers,” she waved you over. You saw the boys walking over as you sat down.

Everyone sat around the blanket to eat, Ginny pulled out a bottle of wine. “Figured we may enjoy this.”

George grabbed the bottle bringing it to his lips before offering it around. You watched as they all had a swing, the bottle went to Fred last who gulped some down before motioning it towards you.

“Oh no, I don’t drink wine,” you smiled politely. “Thank you though.”

“Common miss Lestrange,” his hazel eyes laughed even when his mouth wouldn’t. “A sip only?”

You hesitated and took the bottle, your fingers grazed his and he winked. You brought the bottle up to your lips wincing slightly at the taste of bitterness as it hit your tongue.

“Now was that so bad?” Harry laughed at your sour face.

“It was the absolute worst,” you glared at the laughing faces of the Weasleys, handing them it off before focusing on your flowers.

You do not know how long you all spent there; it could have been the whole day or only two hours. But before you knew it you were back at the manor.

Molly greeted you, Ginny and Harry. She told you to go to the sun room, Sirius had a visitor he would like you to meet.

You walked over with Ginny hesitantly. Inside with Sirius was two women, one much younger than the other. Both had dark brown hair, though the older’s was streaked with grey.

“Ah, Y/N,” Sirius stood up, signaling for you to sit next to him. You did look at the two women sipping tea across from you.

“Hello Y/N,” the younger woman spoke. “We usually come on mondays, but I couldn’t wait to meet you.”

“Sorry about Dora, dear,” the older woman smiled warmly. “Im Andromeda Tonks, your mother was my sister.”

“Mother told me about you,” You held your tongue.

[babygirlgalitzine]

i’d give you all the years of my life (ao3)

inspired by this post i made last night

It's burning a hole in his pocket. Not physically, of course, because that would be impossible - but metaphorically. It's a heavy weight, dragging him down and his palms are sweating in anticipation. Callum's sitting opposite him, and it's strange, because they've been inseparable ever since lockdown restrictions began to lift, yet Ben craves more. Ben wants this, the next step in their relationship, more than anything. The box is in his pocket, his hand in the space too. It's hiding in his palm, the velvet feel of the box tickling at his skin. 

"I've been thinking." Ben says, and his throat is somehow dry, even though they've only just put away their mugs of tea. 

Callum raises his eyebrows, watching Ben as his movements start to get more and more jittery. "That's dangerous." He jokes. For some reason, Ben's nerves reflect on Callum, and he starts to get nervous himself. 

Ben chuckles and rolls his eyes sarcastically. "Cal, seriously."

"Sorry." Callum laughs, and leans forward in his seat. "Go on then." 

Ben breathes out a sigh, in an attempt to calm his nerves, though it's in vain because a shiver travels all the way down his spine, and his fingers are trembling. "It's been difficult recently, for both of us. Not just in lockdown, but before that too, with everything. You've been there for me though, every step of the way. But I want more." Ben says. He's not written down what he's saying, he's thought about it for sure, he's thought of nothing else for months. His mind is a mess with all the words he wants to say, but is unable to find anything that makes a shred of sense. He fumbles in his pocket, and suddenly the red box is in full view. 

 If it was even possible, Callum raises his brows even further now, his eyes comically wide in shock. His lips are open, with shock and nerves and anxiousness running through his body. 

"What's wrong?" Ben asks, seeing Callum's face. He deflates, visibly. Callum doesn't want this too. He doesn't feel the same.

"Look, Ben, have you thought about this? Properly, I mean." Callum quizzes. "It's a big thing, I don't want us to rush into anything." He rambles, his throat constricting with every single tick of the clock that passes. 

Ben looks down at the box in his hand, and then back up at Callum, who's flushing bright pink right the way across his face. "Oh. Oh." Ben exhales. He puts the heel of his hand against his eye, and rubs, wincing. "I'm not proposing." He lets out with a laugh, unable to hide his amusement from Callum. 

"Oh thank God." Callum says, his shoulders deflating as he falls back into a slump, his body relaxing from its previous tensing position. "What's all this then?"

Ben smiles, and pops open the lid to the box, showing the silver key inside. "Will you move in with me?" He asks. "Properly, I mean. We can have our own room, have all our stuff here. I know it's not the same as having our own place, but at least we'll be together." Ben smiles innocently, looking up at Callum with doe eyes, all warm and inviting. 

Callum stands up, his knees cracking underneath him, but he forgoes that pain and instead walks over to Ben. He takes Ben's head between his hands, and places their foreheads together, skin touching skin. "Course I'll move in with you." He says, and Ben instantly relaxes, all the stress from asking Callum now dissipating with those words that Callum speaks. "You've been thinking about this for a while?" 

Ben nods, and leans up so his lips are against Callum's, nudging him into a kiss. "Since the start of lockdown." Ben admits, letting Callum pull his waist in so that their bodies are touching. "I can't bear to be away from you any longer." 

Callum grins, and moves into the kiss, stroking his hands up and down Ben's waist. Excitement courses through him, because now they're taking the next step in their relationship, even though before lockdown they were practically living together anyway, but this time it's official. He's happy, of course he is. But there's a pang of upset in him, because would it really be so bad for them to get engaged?

seven months later

It's been a journey, since Ben first gave Callum a key. Since then, they've found their own place, and are now living there happily. It's a proper home, the shades of paint just what they chose, house plants standing strong in the corner, and family photos on shelving units. Everything is warm and homely, and for once, they feel they both belong. 

Callum's tidying out their drawers, throwing some old clothes of his away, things that neither of them wear. Ben's at work, and it warms Callum's heart to know that they have this routine now, where a cup of tea will be ready, waiting for when the other comes home. He shakes his head with a smile, and puts his hand into the back of the drawer, hoping to pick up anything that may have got stuck. Instead of finding a sock, or maybe even some coins, his fingers knock into something heavier, yet with a soft feel to it. He furrows his brows, confusion taking over him, until he pulls it out and recognises it straight away. It's the same box, the one Ben used as a prop to ask Callum to move in with him. He's kept it all this time, hidden away. "Sentimental little shit." He chuckles, popping open the lid to the box, looking inside and noticing that it's empty, where once was his key. He shuts it with a click, and puts it in his pocket. In a way, maybe Ben keeping this is a blessing in disguise, especially with Callum's thoughts over the last few weeks.

Two days later, he places the box on their kitchen table, right in the centre of the woodwork. This time though, it's not empty. He's found something to fill the gap, something that will hopefully lead them onto the rest of their lives together, should everything go to plan. There's a cup of tea next to it, the steam rising from it. Callum's sitting on the sofa, watching the television with his own cup of tea, trying to calm his nerves, though he fails miserably when his chest tightens at the click of the front door opening and then closing. He hears Ben's footsteps growing closer and closer, and the anticipation is killing him that much he's sure he's only milliseconds away from running to the table and hiding the ring box. 

Ben pokes his head around the living room door frame, and grins at Callum. "One of them for me?" He asks, nodding his head towards the mug in Callum's hand. Ben walks into the room, and runs his fingers loosely through Callum's hair, causing the older man to tilt his head back, looking up at Ben with a smile on his face. Ben leans down, and kisses Callum's lips. 

"Course." Callum breathes out, and his heart flutters, nerves all throughout his body. "It's on the table." 

"You're amazing." Ben smiles.

Callum leans forward to put his mug down, and he stands up, watching as Ben walks towards the table. He stops in his tracks when he's halfway there, and Callum knows he's seen it. 

Ben looks over his shoulder at Callum, a shy smile on his face, and then continues to walk. "You found it then?" Ben asks, picking the box up and turning back to face Callum. 

"I did." Callum breathes out. "Hidden in the back of my drawer. Hardly an expert hiding place."

 Ben shrugs. "It felt right, to keep it." He explains. "It's special."

"I know." Callum says, but it comes out just like a whisper. "Open it." 

Ben furrows his brows. "There's nothing in it. You took the key." 

Callum chuckles softly, and takes the box out of Ben's hands. He smiles, looking down at it, the weight heavy in his hands even though it shouldn't be. He looks back at Ben, through his fluttery eyelashes, and then pulls at his jeans, hitching one leg up before he bends it, falling onto the floor gently. He rests an elbow onto his knee, and holds the box out, watching Ben as a pink flush covers his neck and cheeks, all the way to the tips of his ears. His eyes water, going more blue by the second, and Callum bites the inside of his cheeks. He opens the box up, showing a simple silver band, sparkling in the light that beams in from the window. "I've been thinking about this for so long, and then I saw this box and I knew it was time to ask. I want the rest of my life with you. I want to marry you, and be your husband, and for you to be mine. I want everything. I love you, more than words can even explain. I love you more than all the stars in the sky. I love you more than all the kisses and cuddles in the world. I love you, Ben Mitchell. Will you marry me?" 

Ben bites his lip, and leans down to entrap Callum's head between his hands. "Are you sure?" Ben asks, tears threatening to fall from his eyes. 

"More than anything." Callum whispers, looking up at Ben through his eyelashes. "So?"

Ben leans forward, and takes Callum's bottom between his own. "Of course I'll marry you. A million times over." 

[alolowrites]

Masterlist

© All rights reserved—please do not repost, redistribute, or use any of my stories in any other format or medium (i.e. ASMR) or other platforms (youtube, tiktok, etc). Most importantly, please do NOT plagiarize any of my stories.

I will only post my stories here on Tumblr and AO3. If you see my stories anywhere else, please let me know! Thank you!

-alolowrites. 

AO3 Account

Kofi (Tips welcome, but not necessary!)

Updated: 7.22.2021

Recent Stories: Thinking of You (AOT); Gymtleman  (BNHA); 

U.A. Students

Denki Kaminari

Serenade: Your sweet boyfriend serenades for you outside your balcony one night at the U.A. dorms.

Drabbles

Small Competition: Your boyfriend encounters a young boy who has a puppy crush on you.

Eijirou Kirishima

Acceptance: You and Kirishima enjoy a nice date at an amusement park until you relive a painful memory from your childhood. [Warning: Angst; Body Image]

Love Conquers All: You question whether or not you deserve Kirishima after a petty gossip site writes a cruel post about you. [Hurt/comfort]

The Nightly Adventures of a Lost Shopper: Getting lost at night is one thing. But stumbling upon some crazy beating in a musty back alley? Yeah, no thanks. [Mafia AU; Warning: slight mention of blood]

The Precious Diamond on the Swing: The swings at the local park always had a special place in both Kirishima and his daughter’s heart.

Hanta Sero

A Vision Come to Life:  Every artist wants to bring their own paintings to life. Sero is no different after he becomes infatuated with you—a beautiful stranger who exists in his dreams. One night he sees your face and decides to paint you with all his heart. [Painter AU]

Hitoshi Shinsou

A Beautiful Blessing: Someone leaves a mysterious box outside your apartment in the middle of the storm. Fortunately, no one gets hurt. 

Fuzzy Socks: Shinsou loves how short you are and he never, ever lets you forget it.

Hands Off: You’re working at a cantina when a customer gets aggressive with you. Fortunately, your favorite bounty hunter is there to rescue you. [Bounty Hunter AU]

Midnight Fantasies: Shinsou reminds you why you’ll always love him. [Warnings: NSFW; minors do NOT interact]

On The Run: Staying in one place was never a good idea. It was risky and only caused more problems for you. However, an exception was made for Minato—a city under Shinsou’s watch. [Pro Hero AU]

The One Thing You Don’t Regret: Tonight was a night full of regrets, or so you thought.

Workout: You’re trying to finish up your job assignment, but get distracted by Shinsou’s workout routine.

Drabbles 

Abuelita’s Hot Chocolate: Shinsou returns home from work one freezing night. Fortunately, you whip him up a nice cup of Mexican hot chocolate.  

Small Competition: Your boyfriend encounters a young boy who has a puppy crush on you.

Izuku Midoriya

Happy Birthday: It’s your birthday and Izuku surprises you with a cake [Warning: slight angst; hurt/comfort]

The Neighbor from Apartment 512: You have a crush on your new neighbor, Izuku Midoriya, who lives right across the hall.

Witch Doctor’s Orders: Midoriya visits the Witch Doctor after he breaks his arm.

Katsuki Bakugou

Comforting Words: You return to the U.A. dorms following a disastrous date. Surprisingly, Bakugou offers some “comforting words” to you. [Slight sequel to Laundry Night; 100 Followers Special]

Everyone’s Got a Sweet Tooth!: Bakugou hates sweets. You don’t think this is true and begin a mission to discover his favorite candy. After all, you are the brilliant Candy Master who won’t stop until Bakugou’s sweet tooth is satisfied. 

Gold Coins and a Gold Heart: Bakugou is forced to help give out candy at your factory’s annual Halloween trick-or-treating event—costume included. [Sequel to Everyone’s Got a Sweet Tooth!]

Gymtleman: Nothing irks you more than a random guy ruining your workout session. Luckily, Bakugou sets him straight. [Warning: slight harassment].

Juice: Bakugou’s daughter demands juice, but he refuses.

Laundry Night: It’s a Saturday night which means it’s laundry night for you. You try to relax while your clothes get clean, but someone didn’t get the memo and rudely disrupts your self-care time.

Missed You: Bakugou realizes how much he still misses you after seeing you at the Hero Gala. [Secret Santa Fic]

Sleepless Nights: Bakugou can’t sleep ever since the brutal breakup and decides to do something about it.

Drabbles

Don’t Litter: Bakugou hates when people litter.

Piggyback Rides: You ask your boyfriend for a piggyback ride.

Small Competition: Your boyfriend encounters a young boy who has a puppy crush on you.

Mirio Togata

No Capes!: Mirio visits you at work for a lunch date, but plans change when he meets the one and only Edna Mode.

The Helpful Elf: The Hippity Hop Cat toy is the toy on every kid’s wish list this year, including Eri’s. With the toy flying off the shelves, you desperately ask Mirio, the Helper Elf at Hazuki’s ToyLand, for help. And Mirio doesn’t give up, especially when it comes to you. [BNHASanctuary Winter Collab Story]

Shouto Todoroki

A Late Night Promise: Much to your dismay, you share an elevator ride with Shouto after staying late at the office one night. 

Dance With Me: You share a magical dance with the handsome instructor—Shouto Todoroki.

Get on the Floor: Todoroki invites you to his successful nightclub. Meanwhile, you invite the dashing man to join you on the dance floor after catching his eye. [AU]

Drabbles

Piggyback Rides: You ask your boyfriend for a piggyback ride.

Small Donation: The holiday season is a time for giving, especially for those most in need. All month long, Shouto watches you collect donations for a local children’s hospital. One day, he finally musters up the courage to do the same and surprises you with his own small donation.

Tamaki Amajiki

Snow Globe Wonderland: On his way home from work, Tamaki stumbles upon a two things—a mysterious snow globe and you, a dancer who shows him a magical time.

Stolen Glances: Tamaki constantly steals glances at you, his crush, since he is too shy to speak with you. However, this changes one night at a bonfire party.

Heroes

Enji Todoroki/Endeavor

Vete: After feeling miserable in your relationship with Enji, you decide to kick him out of your life. 

Keigo Takami/Hawks

Free Sample: You take great pride in handing out some free samples of tempura chicken. They’re a great way to meet new people—including a certain wing hero who happens to enjoy your free sample.

Late Night Visitor: A mysterious stranger visits your balcony and accidentally leaves behind a priceless jewelry that they stole from a museum. [Crime AU] 

Drabbles 

Crowded Bird Cage: Hawks enjoys having you around. Your pet bird, Sora, is still a work in progress.

Rumi Usagiyama/Miruko

Drabbles

Flying Snowball: One crispy afternoon, you’re minding your own business when a jerk hits you with a snowball. Stupidly, you throw one back only to accidentally hit the fierce pro hero Miruko (also your number one crush).

Shouta Aizawa/Eraserhead

Pocky: You offer a pocky stick to your husband, Shouta Aizawa.

Three in the Morning: Shouta returns home to find you wide awake at three in the morning.

Drabbles

A Cry for Help: A hero finds a little girl crying and helps find her parents.

Taishiro Toyomitsu/Fatgum

Cuddling Through the Seasons: Fatgum’s cuddles never go out of season.

Drabbles

A Cry for Help: A hero finds a little girl crying and helps find her parents.

Toshinori Yagi/All Might

After All These Years: After being apart for six years, you wonder if you are ready to see Toshinori again. [Sequel to The Point of No Return] 

Need A Hand?: Toshinori thought visiting the park would bring him some peace of mind. Instead, he ends up chasing after your dog who stole his bony hand.

Sneezing Through Time: When you’re sick, you end up sneezing to random points in time.

The Point of No Return: Your relationship with Toshinori is put to the test after he refuses to back down from his responsibility for being the Symbol of Peace. [Warning: Heavy Angst] 

Drabbles

A Cry for Help: A hero finds a little girl crying and helps find her parents.

Villains

Dabi

Outlaws and Freaks: Dabi breaks you out of jail on Halloween night.

Regret: You thought sleeping with a stranger would help you cope with your heartbreak. You come to regret this decision months later. 

Sweet Delivery: Dabi decides to surprise you with a sweet gift on Halloween night.

Kurogiri

Creeps, Freaks, and Milkshakes: Google Maps is usually pretty good with their directions. One night, you stumble upon a place where monsters exist beyond the imaginary folktale pages and movie screens. You’re a little scared, but at least the handsome bartender makes some delicious milkshakes.

Tomura Shigaraki

Drabbles

Losing You: Shigaraki laments on his lost love.

Others

Natsuo Todoroki

Drabbles

2:05 Gingerbread Man Cookies: Finals week is in fully swing and you are stuck writing a paper at the library. At least it’s not so bad when Natsuo shares his gingerbread man cookies with you.

Rei Todoroki

Ring Off: Rei finds her happiness again during an afternoon walk.

Yo Shindou

Get Out of the Water: It’s late and you come across a stranger swimming in the water. [Mermaid AU]

Mr. Seat Stealer: There’s an unspoken rule in college about seats—once it’s claimed, no other person can sit in it. Too bad Shindou doesn’t care when it comes to your seat. [College AU]

Hero Camp Bingo Masterlist

Spooky Season 2020 Masterlist

FicMas Fest 2020 Masterlist

[maluminspace]

Genre: Parent!sos/Fluff

Pairings: Calum Hood/Michael Clifford

Word Count: 1.8k

Dedicated to: @myfalsedevotion

Trigger Warnings: n/a

A/N: Merry christmas, lovely! I hope you enjoy this long awaited sequel to the lil malum family series.

 ***

“Okay cheeky monkeys!” Michael sighs, massaging his temples with his fingertips as he attempts to tune out the noise his two six-year-olds are making. “If you go and get your pyjamas on now, Daddy and I can help you put out the mince pie for santa.”

“Don’t forget the carrots for the reindeer, Daddy!” Tama laughs, still chasing his twin sister around the coffee table.

“And a glass of milk!” Bonnie screeches as she dives behind the armchair.

Michael has no idea what game they’re playing, he just really wishes they’d stop and get ready for bed. The downside to being the ‘soft dad’ is that the twins rarely take his instructions seriously. “Well if you don’t go and put your pyjamas right now, we won’t need to leave out anything for santa, because he won’t be bringing you any presents, anyway.”

The blonde man’s warning goes mostly unheard beneath the renewed giggling and squealing and he sighs in exhaustion. Having young twins is tiring enough at the best of times, but on Christmas Eve, it’s a whole other level of noise and excitement that he doesn’t think he’ll ever learn how to cope with.

Luckily, just when Michael feels like his eardrums might burst, Calum sweeps into the room leveling the twins with the stern ‘daddy’s getting annoyed’ look he’s mastered so well over the last six years. “Daddy just told you two to go and get your pyjamas on, didn’t he?” He asks, his voice level and firm.

The twins stop in their tracks, looking over at Calum as though they’re contemplating how far they can push their luck. It’s only when Calum raises his eyebrows at them, that the children quieten down. “We were just playing a game, Daddy.” Tama smiles innocently, his little round cheeks glowing pink as he realises he’s close to getting into trouble.

Bonnie is much bolder than her brother and she simply shrugs. “I don’t want to go to bed yet.”

“Well maybe I don’t want to let santa bring you lots of presents later.” Calum counters easily. “If you don’t go and put your pyjamas on right now, I’m going to eat Santa’s mince pie and take all of your Christmas presents for myself.”

Michael just about manages to stifle a giggle. Calum’s weak little threats of punishment seem to work though. Tama immediately runs off up the stairs, he hates getting into trouble and will avoid it whenever possible. Bonnie, on the other hand, is a defiant little girl and attempts to stare Calum down, her dark brown eyes strangely intimidating beneath the loose strands of curly black hair falling over her face. “Do I need to start a countdown, young lady?” Her father asks, refusing to let her stubbornness get the better of him.

After what feels like an uncomfortably long moment, Bonnie finally backs down and heads off into the hallway. 

“If she’s this defiant now, what’s she going to be like as a teen?” Calum huffs, as he flops down on the sofa next to his husband. “I’m dreading those years.”

Michael shrugs, snuggling into Calum’s side. “Can’t we just enjoy tonight, before we start worrying too much about the future?” He asks, “By the time next Christmas comes around, everything will be different…”

Wrapping an arm around Michael’s shoulders, Calum nods, a soft smile gracing his face. “It will, I’m excited for it, though.” He whispers, pressing a kiss into Michael’s soft blonde locks. “I just hope the kiddos take the news well.” 

“We’ll find out in a few minutes, won’t we?” Michael smiles nervously. As excited as he is about the special gifts hiding in the shiny boxes under the elaborately decorated tree, he can’t help feeling a little anxious at how the twins will react to the contents.

Calum nods, hugging his husband a little tighter to reassure him. “We’ll cope with whatever they throw at us, angel.” He mutters quietly. “We always do.”

Giggling again, Michael nestles his head into calum’s shoulder. The couple lapse into a moment of silence, each of them reflecting on the past year and the new one that’s about to begin. Their thoughts are interrupted by the booming footsteps of the twins, thundering across the landing and down the stairs.

“I’ll get Santa’s mince pie and milk.” Calum sighs, reluctantly getting to his feet before disappearing into the kitchen.

Michael’s relieved when the twins scurry into the room, each dressed in cute seasonal pyjamas. Even when they’re excitable little terrors, it’s hard to deny how adorable they are. Their dark, curly hair, plump rosy cheeks and friendly brown eyes make them appear like miniature versions of Calum. Not for the first time, Michael wonders whether that’s part of the reason why he’s so soft with them sometimes. 

“When can we have our Christmas Eve presents?” Bonnie asks, clambering up onto the sofa next to her dad. “We did as we were told…”

Michael smiles fondly, tapping the seat on the other side of him to invite his son to join him. “Daddy’s just gone to fetch the stuff for Santa, once that’s all in place, we can see about your Christmas Eve boxes, yeah?”

Tama claps excitedly as he settles into Michael’s side, a beaming smile on his face. “Have you and Daddy got something to open, too?” He asks, glaring up at his father curiously.

“Not this year, buddy.” Michael replies carefully. “We’ve got, something extra special for you two, instead.” He looks from one twin to the other, grinning at their excited expressions. 

“Come on, you two.” Calum chimes as he carries a tray full of various goodies to leave for Santa and the reindeer into the room. “Let’s get everything ready.”

“Can we open our presents first?” Bonnie asks curiously, “Daddy says we have something extra special this year.”

Calum rolls his eyes. “Did he now?” He fixes Michael with a warning glare before turning his attention back to the children. “Well they’ll still be extra special in a couple of minutes when you’ve laid out the treats for Santa.”

Bonnie sighs as though leaving the goodies on the mantelpiece is a great inconvenience to her. She slides off the sofa and heads over to Calum anyway, reaching up to take the mince pie from the tray before stepping over to the fireplace. Michael helps Tama back to his feet before they both join Bonnie and Calum at the mantelpiece. 

Once the mince pie and milk are displayed clearly on the shelf, each of the twins place a carrot on the hearth, ready for the reindeer. 

The little family take a minute to check that everything’s ready for Santa Claus's arrival before Tama tentatively broaches the subject that he and Bonnie are most excited for. “Presents now?” He asks, soft eyes searching both of this father’s faces.

“As long as you promise to go to bed with no fuss, as soon as we tell you to.” Calum stipulates before gesturing towards the sofa. The twins squeal with delight as they skip back over to the sofa and climb onto it. 

Opening a Christmas Eve box has been a family tradition for the Hoods since Michael had moved in with Calum almost ten years ago. It was something they’d happily continued to enjoy once the twins were born. They usually contain little treats like candy canes, fancy or flavoured hot chocolate, fluffy socks and sometimes even a little novelty festive gift. This year, the two fathers had included some of those things for the twins, but there was one special item hidden at the very bottom of each of the boxes. 

Michael’s excitement is almost at the twins’ level, as he picks up the two identically wrapped parcels from beneath the Christmas tree. He hands one of them to Calum, sharing a nervous but fond look with his husband before they both head over to the twins.

“Okay, kiddos.” Calum smiles, checking to see who’s gift he’s holding. “We want you both to open these at the same time, okay?”

The children nod enthusiastically as their fathers place a box in each of their laps. “Can we do it now?” Bonnie asks, her brown eyes glimmering as she stares down at her prettily wrapped parcel.

Calum takes a deep breath, intertwining his fingers with Michael before he gives them the go-ahead. Michael can practically feel Calum’s anticipation as the two of them watch the twins tear off the wrapping paper.

Bonnie is the first to open her box, pulling out a little bag of chocolate coins and licking her lips.

“Those are for tomorrow, young lady.” Calum giggles, stroking Michael’s knuckles with his thumb gently. “You know the rules.”

“We can have this tonight, though, right?” Tama asks, holding up a little sachet of hot chocolate and a snowman shaped mug. 

“Of course, sweetheart.” Michael grins, “I’ll go and make it for you in a minute.”

Tamma smiles gratefully as he turns his attention back to the box.

“I like my snowman mug!” Bonnie exclaims, “he has a red scarf on!”

Both of the fathers chuckle at the twins’ reaction to each of the other little treats in the box. They each pull out their traditional pairs of fluffy, christmas themed socks and a tiny cuddly reindeer. Michael shuffles closer to Calum, his anticipation at an all time high as Bonnie and Tama pull out the last item in their Christmas Eve boxes. 

The twins exchange a slightly bewildered glance as they pull out the t-shirts. They never usually receive clothes on Christmas Eve, so their confusion is understandable. 

“Why don’t you see what’s written on them?” Calum prompts, tightening his hold on Michael’s hand.

Tama unfolds his red t-shirt carefully until he can see the writing on the front. Bonnie does the same with her green one and they both stare down at them with befuddled expressions before checking out each other’s.

“‘Best Big Sister’ and ‘Best Big Brother’?” Bonnie ponders out loud, turning her confused expression onto her dads. “But we’re the same age.”

Michael laughs as he and Calum both kneel down on the floor in front of their children and hold out their free hands to them. 

“That’s right.” Michael smiles apprehensively. “But the new baby will be quite a bit younger than you.”

“New baby!” Tama exclaims, a bright smile brightening his features. “We’re getting a little brother or sister?”

Calum nods as Michael fights back happy tears. Bonnie shrieks with excitement as she and her brother lunge forward to hug their dads tightly.

“The baby’s already very lucky.” Michael sniffles, placing a kiss to each of the twins’ foreheads. “Because they’ll have the best big brother and sister in the whole world.”

“They’ll have the best Daddies in the world too.” Tama adds, his beaming smile stretching further across his face.

Calum wipes a tear from his eye as he plants a kiss to the top of each twin’s head and then to Michael’s lips. “I think we’re the luckiest ones.” He whispers. 

Michael couldn’t agree more.

Tag list: @clffrd @byxthexway @afuckingunicornn @painkillerash @thrillchaser @moonchildsblack @calumbbyyy @h0tsos @valentinelrh @sexgodashton @megz1985 @myfalsedevotion @aulxna @honeyedlashton @tea4sykes @ghostofmashton​ @fairyintheglass @cashworthy​ @cashtonasfuck​ @opheliaaurora23​ @5sosnsfw​ @theagenderwhocriedwolf​ @myloverboyash​ @easiercake​ @irwinkitten​

[ducktracy]

138. porky the rain-maker (1936)

release date: august 1st, 1936

series: looney tunes

director: tex avery

starring: joe dougherty (porky, porky’s father), tedd pierce (narrator), earle hodgins (salesman)

the first cartoon to have a narrator! tex in particular would play around with narrators, whether it be in his travelogues or to serve as important plot devices like in the village smithy. this is also the first cartoon where porky is considerably slimmed down—he’d fluctuate weight, especially contrasted with tashlin’s large interpretation for him, but especially with the addition of ub iwerks and eventually bob clampett in 1937, porky shifted onto a diet, tashlin the last one to slim him down after porky’s double trouble. here, porky and his farmer father are in the midst of a treacherous drought. porky spends their remaining money on a selection of pills rumored to bring on any weather event at will. however, trouble strikes when the farm animals accidentally eat the miracle pills instead.

tedd pierce fills us in as we open to a long, beautiful pan of a farm. an overlay of visible heatwaves paired with his commentary indicates that we’re in the midst of a severe drought. “valuable crops scorched by blistering heatwave! shortage of feed threatens farmers with ruin—their only hope is rain!” zoom in on an apple tree that wilts in an instant. “uh-oh, looks like there’ll be no shade—“ a chorus of hilariously dissonant voices join in, singing the classic “—under the old apple tree.” all of the crops suffer from the heat: apples shrivel up in seconds, corn stalks are stripped of their contents... we even hone in on some more predictable yet slightly rewarding puns, such as water boiling inside watermelons or eggplants cracking open and frying eggs on the ground.

porky and his father observe the drought solemnly, porky’s father (dougherty once more, only speaking in his natural voice, stutter and all) lamenting “worry, worry, worry.” a clamor from various farm animals calls over their attention, and they approach the barn to see what all the fuss is about.

as the narrator implied, there’s been a lack of feed thanks to the drought. no crops to sell, no money to make, no feed to buy. the animals are none too pleased, forming their own union and going on strike. haughty hens strut along, one carrying a sign reading “NO FEED — NO EGGS!”, the hen behind her matching with a simple “DITTO!”. a disgruntled horse is next, “NO FEED NO WORK” plastered on his side. a cow marches along with her nose in the air, her udders protected by a barrel that reads “CLOSED SHOP”—a very amusing gag that works both ways. of course, closed shop implies that she isn’t giving out any milk, but it’s also a labor union term. essentially, only those in the union can work at the shop/place of business. and, of course, only the cow can give the milk. how can you have milk if you don’t have any udders to milk? if you didn’t know tex liked gags, you do now.

despairingly, porky’s father reaches into his pocket and pulls out a sock, complete with a clasp at the top. he opens it, stuttering “here, my son. take our last dollar—“ he fishes in the sock for a dollar coin, “—and buy them animals some feed.” porky accepts the coin and heads on into town.

just as he’s about to stroll into the general store for some feed, a sharp voice catches his ear. in the middle of town proudly stands a merchant on his stage, selling a product to the congregation around him. the sign behind him tellingly reads DR. QUACK’S FAMOUS RAIN PILLS — $1.00. sure enough, dr. quack is ranting and raving: “now friends, i’m here today to advertise my famous rain pills!” earle hodgins does a wonderful job of the salesman, his lines full of energy and greedy passion. he lures his audience in, asking if they’re fed up with their dying crops thanks to this treacherous drought. he holds up his box of pills, assuring that they can bring instant rain. “each and every one of these capsules is guaranteed to make it rain where and when you want it!”

the cost? as the sign behind him advertises: a dollar. clever execution and timing as little porky pops his head up in the front row of the crowd at mere mention of the cost. to make the deal even sweeter, anyone who purchases a rain pill gets a free box of assorted pills with all the weather events you can think of. rain! snow! ice! lightning! thunder! tornadoes! earthquakes! fog! wind! you name it, it’s there in that measly little box! porky is absolutely enraptured, hoisting himself up to lean on the platform so he doesn’t miss a single beat. wonderful comedic timing as the salesman seamlessly pauses his long-winded rant just to shoo porky away, nudging him with his cane and instructing “don’t lean on the platform, son, you bother me.”

porky obeys, still taking in every word as the salesman blabbers “i’m going to pass out... these umbrellas!” (more fantastic timing and a great gag), distributing umbrellas to the crowd to showcase a demonstration. once everyone is armed with their umbrellas, dr. quack stuffs a rain pill in a little tube and spits it into the air. the pill is propelled into the air and explodes.

sure enough, the clouds grow heavy and dark, real rain showering upon every citizen in the square. porky is just beside himself as he sticks his hand out to feel the raindrops—“oh boy! real rain!” dr. quack eyes his audience, asking “now who’s gonna be first to buy one of these rain pills?” zero hesitation or remorse as porky fishes in his pocket and thrusts his father’s last earnings into the greedy hands of dr. quack, who hands him the fated pandora’s box. porky heads back to the farm, ready to knock the socks off his father.

porky’s father paces along, still muttering “worry, worry, worry” all the way. his face brightens up as he sees his loyal little boy marching towards him with the feed he so diligently went to the store to buy. feed in the shape of a box. with pills inside the box. rightfully so, porky’s father is furious. “PILLS!? i told ya to get FEED, not PILLS!” porky, unable to decipher why his father is so angry, ducks as his father tosses the useless box away.

the contents of the box scatter all across the farm. one of the picketing hens stumbles upon a spare pill, a lightning pill. mistaking it as feed, the hen happily gobbles down her food and grins contentedly at the audience. however, her delight is quickly put to a stop as volts of incomprehensible electricity jolt through her body and electrocute her. she flops to the ground, winded, and attempts to run for her life, squawking along the way. it’s too late—she turns into a literal lightning bolt as she tries to outrun from herself. the entire gag, from the contented grin to initial jolting reaction to turning into a lightning bolt in the midst of a frenzy would be reused in porky’s duck hunt, with daffy and an electric eel substituting the chicken and her lightning pill.

elsewhere, the picketing horse stumbles upon a fog pill and wastes no time ingesting it, too. a cloud of fog grows around his stomach, and in no time his surroundings are shrouded in mist. a horsefly (literally a horse with fly wings, which would serve as a minor plot point in a similar tex porky cartoon milk and money) comments into a microphone “altitude 10,000 feet. no visibility. ceiling: 0.” the gag is amusing, but slightly incomprehensible and lacks a smooth transition. enough to get the gist, though. meanwhile, a curious goose gobbles down both a thunder and wind pill, its body shuddering and shaking around as it regurgitates artificial wind from its body, blowing around aimlessly.

porky and his father observe in steely silence, his father glowering and sulking. helpful is porky, who finally pipes up with “there’s a pill there that’ll make real rain, pa.” porky’s father freezes. he whips his head around: “well why didn’t ya say so? where is it?” he crawls through the wooden fence and gets down on all fours, searching on his hands and knees for the fated miracle pill.

spotting a cyclone pill, porky reaches out to grab it. unfortunately for him, a chicken swoops in and swallows it before he can retrieve it. porky’s predictably peeved, glowering at the chicken, but his anger turns into awe as the chicken is whisked away into her own personal tornado. things finally settle down, and all that’s left is a nude chicken with a single tail feather. she glares at her feather, but it too turns into a mini cyclone and flies away. hilariously deadpan, she turns to the camera and gasps “well, imagine that.” not at all unlike an oswald short tex worked on in 1933, the zoo, a bear’s fur reduced to shreds thanks to a swarm of hungry moths. instead of screaming or overreacting, the bear also mildly states “well, imagine that.”

never mind the cyclone pill—porky spots another pill scattered on the ground, an earthquake pill. he reaches for it, and yet again another hungry chicken swallows the pill. this time an earthquake erupts in her body. amusing incongruity as the hen stalks away with her beak held high in the air, interrupted by frantic bursts of spasms and shakes. she clings to a tree for support, the entire landscape around her shaking. when the earthquake has finally paused, she ogles at the camera in disbelief.

porky and his father continue to search for the remaining pills, crawling on their hands and knees. porky finds something in the distance and trots over to it. sure enough, the fated rain pill is right in his reach! surely nothing can go wrong now, right?

wrong! the goose who had swallowed the thunder and wind pills is still aimlessly blowing around the farm uncontrollably. it knocks right into porky, tossing both of them to the ground. nevertheless, the goose is unscathed, seldom hesitating as it gobbles up the rain pill. porky ever so calmly and politely wrings the goose’s neck, calling it a varmint. he opens the goose’s beak and peers inside. no sign of the pill. frustrated, porky grabs the head of the goose and slams it on the ground, the goose settling back to normal as its head bounces back up. sweet, mild mannered porky!

his animal abuse may bring about some good after all. the goose, now shaken up, regurgitates the rain pill, sending it flying into the air. with a familiar snap, the pill explodes. could it be? yes! it could! the clouds darken and dump buckets of real, genuine, miraculous rain. all of the farm animals (and porky’s dad) crowd together, all sticking out their extremities just to feel the rain, reveling in it and soaking up every single last drop. apple trees grow back to size, corn stalks are nice and hearty again, all of the crops spouting 5x the amount of goods than what they used to. a gag that would be reused in many cartoons (especially and situationally in swooner crooner), a hen eagerly runs inside of her coop and lays an astounding mound of eggs, poking her head out of the coop and sighing in relief.

the joyous celebration continues, and everyone breathes a collective sigh of relief. good times are here at last! nary a problem in sight, only one little caveat. just one teensy little issue that needs taking care of... the animals still have the pills inside them. the celebration is cut short as all the animals jolt, jitter, shudder, fly, you name it. even porky and his father feel the effects. the false sense of security is pulled off strongly and coyly. everyone poses defiantly at the camera, a happy cartoon close sting... and then silence except for an array of sound effects as the pills take their course. tex plays around with the iris out as the goose blows itself out of the iris and into the black void, where rain is still pouring down. the goose frantically pounds against the black wall, squawking frantically. the iris opens one last time as porky yanks the goose inside for good.

a very amusing and creative cartoon for sure. milk and money would follow a similar route—porky needs to help his father earn money for the farm, and hilarity ensues (and there’s also a horsefly involved.) i like that one a bit more, as i feel it’s a stronger cartoon. this one came off more as a showcase of gags than anything, not having too much plot, but it was still definitely there. some gags were certainly funnier than others, but this still remains as a relatively funny short. the ending is particularly amusing, with the coy “all’s well that ends well” poses of the gang and the orchestral swell, interrupted by the natural elements inside each animal. the first appearance of porky’s father, too, who would make a handful of appearances, even during the mel blanc era with porky’s poppa in 1938. not tex’s best cartoon, but certainly watchable and amusing. worth a potential watch!

link!

[yoshi4sushi]

(purupurupuru) (purupurupuru) (gocha!) (coo!) (coo!)

 Happy 2019! We are deeply, deeply sorry for the long hiatus. Flu season is getting around, and the crew are still sick, plus I’ve been majorly busy with loads of work now that spring is coming and job hunting season/ visa renewal season for me. But to make up for the long absence, the crew gathered everything everyone missed even while being sick so I will lay out everything. First off, the chapter will resume this week I think as last time, it was left where Zoro gets acquainted with his new friend, Yasu as he brought him to a town of smiles and suffrage, Ebisu town. Everyone was all smile despite the hunger, pain, and illness going around, they still keep a big happy face. Zoro thought it was strange, but understood the hardship they are w/standing. One of the villagers mentioned to Yasu that a Robin-hood hero pass by the village again. Supposedly, this hero brings them food and water to ease the hunger of the villagers. Who could this stranger be? They call him ox-free. Back at Onigashima, MAJOR trouble stirred up! Big Mom showed up to get Zeus back, and brought her whole crew with them. It was chaos! They steer the mother ship towards the water fall almost reaching to the top, but King, one of the big honchos, used his devil fruit, the dragon-dragon fruit, pteranodon style. He turned into a dinosaur, pterodactyl. Anyway, King knock the ship down as Big Mom sinks into the ocean. At the end, Sanji, Franky, Ussop, and Law are heading for the hills to avoid getting caught. Law tells the guys that if they caught, they must not reveal their plans, and to not pick a fight as it would ruined their chance to fight for real. Sanji then hears screaming from the village, and it was none other than Page. Demanding for Sanji to show up, he destroys the soba stand, and hurting the villagers. Suddenly, Sanji kicks Page to the curb. He tells the guys to go on ahead as he pulls out the weapon that Niji left for him back at WCI. Sanji then pulls out his weapon and BAM! The dark knight, Soba Mask, appears! Black suit, family hair do, shades, rocket shoes, I mean the whole enchilada. Apparently, this new suit really is useful and beating Page. At the end, a surprise got washed up ashore. Chopper takes a stroll with Tama, Kiku, and Momo and they spot Big Mom. However, when she woke up, she doesn’t know her where she is nor who she is. EH?! AMNESIA? Will it last? What’s gonna happen if regains her memory? Big time yonkou will clash! What fate will hold for the kingdome of Wano?! GAH! So many mysteries and questions! Guess we’ll have to leave it up to the big man. Let’s be surprised. Also, if you want to read official manga, please use official websites. Do not go around revealing spoilers on any media such as FB, TW, or any other to everyone who are patiently waiting for the official released. It’s rude and messed up. Be considerate. Next, totally behind on the anime, but we’ll wrap it up in one. We finally see Luffy catching up to Katakuri’s level and getting the respect after finding out that Flampe pulled a dirty trick and put that brat in her place. This past weekend’s episode was a major throw down! We finally see Luffy’ new awesome gear 4th move, SNAKE MAN, which it increased his speed of his attacks. Katakuri however was still one step ahead thanks to his awesome observation haki. Both warriors are going all out majorly. The guys pulled their final move into a huge impact of haki!! Meanwhile, Sanji and Pudding wait in an alley. Pudding hesitates to say goodbye to Sanji, but approached him for a final request. At the end, the fight is over. The victor is…none other than our fellow rubber champ, Luffy-kun! Katakuri stands up and asked him if he will beat Big Mom. He vowed to come back and do so. Katakuri finally passed out defeated for the first time. At the end, Luffy leaves his hat on his face as show of his respect and Pekoms shows up. It’s 5 until 1 am. Next time, Pekoms helps Luffy by awakening his sulong form, but will it save our hero? DON’T MISS IT! Thank you, Katakuri for putting up a major fight. We hope to see you down the road. Now on with the goods! First, we received a telegram from Tongari-san as he caught the flu, but will get better in no time. He says that in March, the tower will be celebrating its 4th anniversary, and loads of fun events will be happening. The anniversary week will start from March 13th to the 16th. There will be a special live performance from Kitadani Hiroshi and Ostuki Maki. Details of events and special live will be announced soon. Moreover, check out the new theme for the 4th anniversary. It’s an Alice in Wonderland theme. They’ll be selling new buttons of the Straw Hats including, Ace, Sabo, and Law. The tower will also be having a stamp rally event so more details will be announced soon. The spring event and buttons will be available on March 1st. Next, the tower is celebrating the beautiful Nico Robin’s birthday. Her bday is on Feb.6th. To celebrate, the stores will be selling Robin’s birthday button and key chain, another bday button, art board, tote bag, & postcard set. Also, they’ll be giving out a bromide card if you visit the park, & a free poster if you purchase over 3000 yen. The café will be serving her Flower-Flower Soybean milk pudding. It will come w/ an edible flower w/ a bit of drizzled berry sauce. Delish! The café will also celebrate Vivi’s birthday. They’ll serve her royal white curry udon noodle with some blue jelly and an edible flower. If you order either, you’ll receive a free birthday card. Also, if there are those in the mood to celebrate Valentine, the café will be serving this limited time Mr. Prince’s aka Sanji’s Love choco banana waffle served a glasses sweet crisp shape. Available until Feb.14th. Anyone have a sweet tooth? Well, now you can buy your own character chocolate piece. Deco chocolate are selling cubes of any of your favorite characters. You can make your own box of chocos. You pick a box, pick the characters, and done! You’re ready to check out. You can buy 3, 5, 10 pieces for one box. It’s a perfect gift for friends, family, or if you are the lovey dovey type, it would be a great Valentine or White day gift or some other special occasion. If you want to buy a whole box of one character, that is possible too. I bought one box.  Next, the store is also selling these limited ed. café goods of Sanji such as a button set, a can of candy, a box of waffle cookies w/ a free random sticker, and an acrylic key holder. It’s still in stock.  Last, but not least, the store is still selling the New Year gift pack that comes with an acrylic stand, long towel, and button set. Next, FIGURINES! Majorly awesome new ones! First, if you are in the arcade, be sure to win yourself these World Figure Colosseum Treasure Cruise figurines of Luffy, Nami, and Zoro in their cowboy look. They’ll also be stocking this awesome Grandista figurine of Sanji as well so get those coins ready to beat the crane. Next, stores will be selling this awesome new Figure Arts Zero figurine of Luffy in Snake Man mode. It will be released in May. POP will also release figurine of Luffy in Snake Man mode as well. It will be released in August. They’ll also be accepting reservations for this new POP figurine of Hina. It will be released in July. Last, but not least, this adorable POP figurine of Chopper ver. OT. It will be released in May. Next, new stuff! First, the popular brand, Graff Art are selling these cute goods of East Blue such as acrylic key holders (6 random), pass cases, a pouch, 3 memo pads, and a pencil case. Next, the stores will also be celebrating Robin’s b-day. To celebrate, they’ll sell her bday button and acrylic stand. If you purchase over 1000 yen, you’ll get a free mini poster of her. Next, a new flower pot of Chopper will be sold soon. It will come an engraved box with Chopper in it. It’s a perfect for friend or someone. Next, this year, Mugi Mugi will be having new plushies from East Blue. This month, they’ll be selling mugi mugi of Shanks, Luffy, and Coby. Very adorbs! Next, in March, they’ll be selling memo pad stands of Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, Nami, & Keita-san. Next, new phone covers with all the Straw Hats individually or in group. Next, this week, stores will be these cute tote bags in gold and silver color. Possible to make an ita bag. Stores are also selling these new smartphone pocket of the gang, and these awesome plastic gold & silver tote purses with the OP logo on it. Next, anyone likes Valentine? More luck. The stores will be selling imprinted Valentine and White day cookies. Girls are now in stock. Great gifts. Looks so colorful to eat. They’re also selling these JUMP stickers available at JUMP Shops and Mugi stores according to its location: Tokyo, Osaka, & Fukuoka w/ differ designs. Stores are still selling these New Year goodie bags. Both bags have hand towels & Luffy mugi mugi mini pillow. Red bag will have button set of Luffy, Sanji, & Katakuri. Blue bag will have button set of Luffy, Zoro, & Law. Get them while they last. They’re also selling these adorable New Year mugi mugi of Luffy & Chopper in their kimono, these neat socks of Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, & Chopper, this adorable mugi mugi purse perfect to store them, and hat with the anniversary design on the inside. Next, the Hello! OP exhibition will be holding it in Fukuoka region from April 20th to May 12th. They’re selling new goods such as a ticket mini folder, mini art stands, new mug of Nami, Sabo, & Shanks, folder, poster, tote bag, motto long towels of Luffy & Zoro, t-shirt, and a goodie bag. Next, big events happening: Hong Kong will host a marathon; registration is full, and a big shiop event going in Yokohama bay to celebrate 20th anniversary of the anime. They’ll have an OP café. More details will be announced later. More new stuff at the stores. They’ll be selling these adorable winter designs of Chopper’s hometown mascots including hiking bear. They’ll have masking tapes, pen, and a small notebook I think. It will be in pink or blue color. Next, stores will be selling these mini RUN! RUN! acrylic mini stands of the Straw Hats, Law, Ace, & Sabo in kid and adult versions. Adult versions will be available on Feb.16th. They’re also selling these mini stickers, new vivre cards of Robin, Shirahoshi, Blackbeard, and Hordy Jones. Coming very soon, these new acrylic straps and big & small pixel stickers of many various characters and t-shirts of Katakuri & Zoro. Next, stores are selling these new adorable Chopper goods such as this t-shirt, small pillows, shiny folder, and acrylic stands wearing differ hats from various characters. They’ll also be selling this Zoro sleeping mask and various new hand towels and long towels. Next, YO HO HO HO! Music! Coming soon, new stores will be selling this golden album of OP Music Material of BGM. It will be available on Feb.22nd. Next, month, they’ll be selling the OP 20th anniversary Best Album of all the songs throughout the 20 years including the hit song, WE ARE! It will be available on March 27th. If you haven’t purchased, be sure to purchase of the new single of V6 for OP’s theme, SUPER POWERS! This CD will have the songs with its animation cover of the boys w/ the Straw Hats. Other CD will have songs and DVD with the MV making. Next, if you haven’t purchased it, be sure to get your copy of the new OP magazine vol.5. It will have Zoro’s wanted poster. Also, the Kumamoto x Tokyo Girls Collection will be accepting votes for a postcard to be included in the next issue which will be available on May 24th. It will have Nami’s wanted poster. Also, Tsuruya dept. store will be having the collaboration of OP with TGC. They’ll have a café selling delish dishes of the girls, desserts, and drinks. They’ll be giving out free random coaster of the Straw Hats if you purchase a drink. For goods, they’ll be selling a folder, acrylic straps & buttons of Nami, Robin, Chopper, Hancock, Perona, Tashigi, and Big Mom, postcards, a tote bag, and acrylic stands of Nami, Robin, and Hancock. Next, new info for the upcoming OP movie, STAMPEDE! On March 1st, all movie theaters in Japan will be selling advanced tickets to the movie, and if you purchase it, you’ll be given a free 10 button set of the gang’s new look including a new jolly roger. Its limited time so be sure to check out your local theater at a town near you. YOWZA! Finally, here’s the new DVD cover of vol.18 of WCI that has the awesome Katakuri. You can find on the JP site of amazon. Phew! That is whole thing we cover for the January and this month’s news. We are truly sorry for falling behind. We won’t make a bad habit of it. We promise. That’s all we got. Be sure to tune in for more news next time. Boys! Job damn well done! Let’s call it a night.

 TGC: http://www.tsuruya-dept.co.jp/tgc/cafe/index.html

OP movie: http://www.onepiece-movie.jp/

[astainedteamug]

Getting Rid of that Holiday Stress Ahead of Time

If you are finding yourself worried about the holidays, then you and I are in the same boat. And so is everybody else. Legitimately, everybody. Even the lady at work who always has a perfect party and she never has a hair out of place, she’s worried if her quiche will burn or if she will have enough decorations. Everybody has some kind of stress going on right now.

Some people are triple checking their travel plans to make sure everybody has a ticket and if they have a big enough budget. Some people are checking their list of people to give a gift to and realizing that they STILL don’t know what to get their mom for Christmas.

But whatever it is you are going through right now, you should take a minute off of your feet to read through this and see if one of these could help you.

1. The Clutter

It is amazingly easy to hold on to things in the modern world. And you don’t even know why. Especially after Halloween, there are candy wrappers, fairy wings, tiny toys, and just all around mess. The birthdays of the year have left you with gifts that you never wanted and you couldn’t return, so they wound up shoved in a corner to never be used or seen again.

But for some reason, you find yourself stressed out about it. That thing Jim gave you at your office party that was so ugly you didn’t even want it in your car. It’s bothering you that it’s still here, yet it has to take the back burner. And pretty soon, you start to feel like your house looks something like this:

Yeah, I know!

But between work and school and getting everything ready, you just don’t feel like you have the time to go through all of it.

Behold, my friends, the beauty of November. This is a beautiful grace period that most people will skip over to start putting up decorations for Christmas, thinking it will help them not be stressed about the decorations. But they are wasting perfectly good cleaning time. It’s time for a detox, and your house is begging you to do it, just this once.

Now wait just a minute, this isn’t an excuse to throw out your wife’s figurines that you hate but she loves, in fact I don’t recommend throwing much away at all. Go through your things first and donate what you can.

Old clothing, shoes, toys, books, purses or bags, and even movies. This is a great time of year to donate those things and let somebody else enjoy them. Old dishes can be sold or donated, dog and cat toys can get washed and de-stinkified. Candles that have been sitting around for years can get burned and help get any unpleasant smells out of your house while freeing up cabinet space for candles to come. Old mail and documents can get shredded and recycled, or even stocked up as fire starters for your fireplace. And those decorations that “complete the room” can be stowed away until they are needed again. Don’t let them jumble you up and stand in the way.

And this is an excellent way to see what you need around the house. Maybe you didn’t know the drill was broken, but now you know what to get your husband for Christmas. Or maybe the kids need new pjs. And that new coat would look great in place of your old one.

And once you’re done with the clutter aspect of all of this, then it’s time to move into phase two.

2. The Mess

It is entirely possible that the corner of your living room behind your television hasn’t been dusted in months, correct? It’s an easy thing to forget. It’s an easy thing to push aside, or to say to yourself “would anybody really notice?” Aunt Barbara might when she visits on thanksgiving with her specialty cranberry stuffing. And you would never hear the end of it. Okay, now punch your anxiety in the face and pick up a duster.

It really isn’t that big of a deal which corner is dusted and which one isn’t, but November is a wonderful time of peace before the holiday guests arrive, so why not make sure the house is nice so you aren’t worried about it. They’ll make a mess when they get there anyways, you may as well conquer what you can now. Get those expired bath products and cleaning concoctions out of your house before area 51 gets involved. Soap is NOT good forever!

Move around your furniture to sweep under it, dig out all of those coins and wrappers in the couch, dust off your movie and CD collection so you can pick out the holiday films for when everyone is over. You may as well put one on while you vacuum your floors, those corners and your ceiling fans and vents. Heck, you can even wash your carpets if your feeling REALLY festive!

There really isn’t any point to making the holidays harder on yourself than they already can be, so why not get a head start on all of that mess and just get rid of it? It can be a good excuse to have your kids wash the windows or clean their bathrooms, or even go through their clothes and toys and put everything they don’t use into one bag to donate. And with your mess all taken care of, you can take a breath and relax before you begin part three of this holiday mission.

3. The Food

This is the biggest time of year for food sales for home baking. Which also means the fire department is busy too. Please be careful whenever you are in the kitchen with loved ones and keep the heat down, your sockets dust free, and make sure all handles are out of reach of little ones. And remember, a falling knife has no handle.

All of those vegetables that are going into your casseroles and soups, or getting turned into a side, you know you can use your freezer, right? Chopping them up now and freezing them in the measurements that you need is an excellent time and mess saver for your holiday baking. Those fruits that you bought too early, go ahead and chop those up too and freeze them until the day you need them for your pies and fruit salads. And honestly, why did you buy SO MANY cranberries? Nobody eats them! Stop doing this to your wallet and to yourself.

Over spending on food and wasting it is another stupidly easy thing to do. Half of it rots away before it even sees the cutting board. You can stop yourself from doing this with a few easy tools, like shopping lists, dates, and coordination with the other cooks in your family.

Everybody should bring a dish to thanksgiving. Whether it’s a pie, some creamed corn, or even something to drink. You won’t be the only cook during the week leading up to thanksgiving. So coordinating with your relatives about who is bringing what will save everybody from making the same thing and will make sure nobody is confused about what they’re doing and keeps you from making too much of one thing if not everybody is able to come. Especially if Kenny is the only person who is vegan and gluten intolerant, then his special dish doesn’t need to be fussed over this year. And everyone can bring something, even if uncle Dave just brings the disposable cups so grandma doesn’t have to do a million dishes with the grandkids later. And yes, everybody needs to do their share of work after dinner. A good rule of thumb is to clean up dishes before dessert.

But before the baking even begins, you need to figure out what ingredients you will need to buy to make that food. And some ingredients can be nearly impossible to get your hands on. You would not believe how difficult it was for me to find rhubarb for my pie this year. I had to google where I could get it, and it took me a few hours to get ahold of it. So making that shopping list can save you lots of time and hassle when it gets down to the wire. And having the dates of parties and holidays next to you makes it easy to know when you’ll need to shop for that food and save space in your fridge.

Ah yes, the fridge. Your old pal, full of old take out containers, a few odds and ends when it comes to ingredients, expired dairy products, and an endless assortment of condiments. Why do we do this? The fridge looks full, yet there’s nothing to eat.

Clean it! That smell can be taken care of with a box of baking soda. Just leave it open in he back corner and it will absorb it for you. Take your trash can and have it ready for the avalanche of forgotten meals it will need to hold. The old products and empty cartons need to get thrown out now so you can have space for leftovers during the holidays, but you’re much less likely to forget about those. Once you’ve emptied out all of the rotten veggies and old yogurts, now is the time to wash the shelves and clean it up in there to get a head start on the dishes.

Bravo. You have earned another break. But you are so far from being done.

4. The Yard

This is an ongoing task, and I’m afraid not much can be done that will stay done. Especially if you live somewhere the leaves turn red and then fall every time the wind blows. Honestly, it can’t really all be done at once. But after it snows, it has to stay there. That stick could trip you if your boot snags it and you forgot it was there. Those leaves will kill your lawn if they stand as a frozen barrier between the grass and the snow. And the weeds will only populate while they can.

Head to a hardware store and grab some tools if you need them. And get some gloves too, those thorns can be vicious. Taking care of lawn maintenance before you decorate should be high on your list of to-do’s, yet many people skip it all together. Clean out your gutters and send your hubby on the roof with a broom before you send him up with lights and a fake santa. It’s safer and it can actually save your roof from too much damage all at once.

Mow the grass while you can, trim your bushes before they get lined with lights, and rake those leaves up before they have to stay put for the next four months.

And if you have a dog, this is your last chance to double check nothing was left behind when your kids last took them outside.

5. The Car

If you’re traveling with your family, you have to clean out your car now! The tissues, old receipts that need to be organized, wrappers, straws, socks, and crumbs all need to go.

Suitcases and crock pots will soon take their place as well as bored kiddos and grumpy adults just trying to drive through the traffic. Pack those CDs into the car, download some podcasts, or get some audio books to help pass the time. But make sure the smell is gone too. Get a new air freshener and some febreeze. It’s amazing how much smell can come from one toddlers sock.

6. Finances and Documents

That giant pile of papers in your room, on your desk, or in your coffee table? Yeah, it won’t take care of itself. And during the holidays. The last thing you want to worry about is knocking it over so it isn’t 'organized’ anymore. Go through it now.

This will give you the chance to get your finances in order before you spend three hundred dollars on lights for the tree when really you can only spend thirty. I found a paper I wrote in fifth grade the other day, and tossed it right out. Honestly, why do we cling to these things? It has been in my life for ten years, and it has served its purpose. Now it’s time to go. This frees up space not only in your desk, but in your mind as well. It was one of those little things that you had been worried about for far too long. And now it’s finally gone.

7. The Decorations

Now is the time, folks, to get your final affairs in order. We are now approaching the holidays so please prepare for landing.

Decorations are the easiest thing in the world to freak out over when you get down to the wire. You count the lights, you measure for garland, you buy the plates and the napkins and even special straws that are made of paper. Candy canes are beautiful on a tree, but the tree isn’t up yet. Not to worry though. Your shopping list is that much smaller because you already took care of it.

Buying what you can ahead of time is something I’ve been doing since April. Buying candles, drinks, and even some gifts before they’re at their holiday prices is something I do to avoid the crowds and the chaos. Yes, I’m on a budget and I know how to work the system to my favor. Buying discount wrapping paper and tinsel the year before is nothing to hide, and props to you if you make your own decorations.

That’s what I did. Wreaths can be up to $70 when they come pre decorated. I bought one for ten and put my own decorations and lights on it for less than forty dollars. And I’ll use it over and over again. Making decorations can also help tame that beast inside of you that is screaming at you to put up the lights now! It’s not even thanksgiving, calm down you little elf.

Once you’ve ticked all of these things off of your list, you’ll find it much easier to breathe while you wrap gifts or wade through the sea of people at the mall. Having your lists organized, your budget in mind, and the peace of mind that your house is organized and ready, you’ll be unstoppable this holiday season!

Happy holidays everybody!

[0ssuary]

Ossuary is a witch-scifi thriller following Rho’ki, an agender priest whose primary temple duties are funerary rites. They prepare the dead for interment and move the eventual skeletal remains into the temple ossuary. Though their world has advanced technologies, ubiquitous in the distant city-states, Rho’ki’s village, where they live with their partner, is something of a cultural conservation effort–one of a remaining few–limiting their assimilation with the outside world and living closely to the traditional ways of their ancestors. All is nearly idyllic until Rho’ki finds a small, unidentifiable device among the bones of a passed-on soul, a device no one was ever meant to find, and that dangerous people want back…

Rho’ki’s fingers and the tip of their nose are numb. The morning had been calm and crisp, but the last stretch of winter has dug its heels in and the afternoon had turned to blustery, the evening bitterly cold. The short days don’t help much. The sun had just begun to bob over the horizon as Rho’ki climbed the temple steps, and it had been gone again for several hours before they were leaving for home again. It’s not weather Handein is prepared for. A thick mantle of silver clouds has been creeping slowly out of the distance from over the forests and the elders say it looks like snow. If it is, it will be the first in the region in almost three decades.

Today had been an interment day. Rho’ki and a group of other priests and dedicants had pulled carts out to the burial caves and returned with a few dozen bodies, decayed to little more than bones, removing the remains from their shrouds and transferring them to the temple ossuary behind the towering idol of the Death Goddess, passing the empty shrouds on to Her priests. Walking in the dark across the rolling fields between town and home, Rho’ki can see the fire up on the ridge at Her secondary shrine, the shadow of robed figures passing in front of the flame as they burn the shrouds and herbs under the full Grey Moon. The Pale and Green Moons are only slivers, but the Grey Moon is plenty enough to see by, and they know the way well, though the journey feels longer tonight. The cold has persisted all day and they want to be inside, wrapped in blankets, huddled around a heater. Even once they had returned to the temple from the burial caves, the temple was hardly warmer. There were heaters moved inside the main sanctuary, but they had been prioritized to the two babies being born in the shrine of the Creatrix, and there is so much space to heat, they were largely ineffective outside of a tight radius from them. Rho'ki had settled for bundling up, keeping on leggings, a hooded pullover, and thick socks under their usual vestments. Though technically not disrespectful so long as they were still without shoes, it felt wrong somehow. Rho'ki had lived their whole life with the temple’s flagstones under their bare feet. They are ready for this cold weather to break.

Cresting the last hill, Rho’ki sees their small house with a light on in the front window and a pillar of smoke rising from the hearth’s chimney.

Their pace quickens and when they are finally stepping inside, the cozy warmth and smell of broth simmering on the stove makes them sigh out loud. They shed their boots , scarf, coat, and cane by the door and enter the main room, soft music playing from where Feana is seated with a long blouse draped across his lap, stitching a lotus into the collar in vibrant coral thread. There are small containers of beads and a box of thread and needles around him, as well as his communicator pad playing the music. Rho’ki saves him the trouble of trying to move everything and get up, coming over to him and leaning down to kiss him hello. “I made potato stew!”

Rho’ki smiles and gives him another short peck. “It smells nice. Should I stir it?”

Feana bobs his head to the side in a sheepish gesture. “Probably wouldn’t hurt.”

Laughing softly, Rho’ki goes to wash their hands. They had done so before leaving the temple but faintly on their fingers, they can still feel the sheen of fat that coats the returning bare bones. Feana calls to them as they lift the lid of the pot and stir the stew, leaning in to let the steam hit their face and get a good sniff of it, hungry. “How was temple?”

“Very cold. It was hard to focus. How was the shop?” Grabbing a ladle, they decide it looks done enough and fill two bowls, pulling some flatbreads out of the cupboard and ripping them into quarters, tucking them into the thick, fragrant stew. Feana puts his things out of the way for now and turns off the music, taking the bowl Rho’ki offers him as they come to sit down next to him, both of them saying a quick prayer.

“Oh, the shop wasn’t much different. My fingers were getting stiff and everyone was holed up inside, anyway, so I loaned my heater to the school and came home early.”

“Mm,” Rho’ki hums around a mouthful. “Mahai blood is too thin for winters like this.”

They sit together and eat while talking about their day, musing on the possible snow and even colder days that may be ahead. They both remember the last snow, they had still been children, and part of that childish glee makes the chance of snow exciting, despite how insufferable the temperature is already. Rho’ki remembers that while it had essentially shut down Handein, the snow had been very lovely to look at for the short while it was around. Any inconvenience would admittedly be worth the novelty of seeing the slow drift of white flakes again, the fields blanketed with it.

When they have finished eating, Rho’ki takes their bowls and washes up, putting away what’s left and going to the altar to decompress so they can go and get ready for bed. They clean the morning offerings away and empty their pockets into the small dish they keep for personal effects: a smooth green palm stone, a sachet of herbs, a small square of fabric Feana had stitched with the motifs of Rho’ki’s favorite myth, a prayer coin. It’s all the usual things they carry, but there are two additional small items today. A thin tin disc with a six digit number stamped into it, and an unidentifiable object, shaped vaguely like a key, with one end that looks like a sort of data connector. It is flat and dull grey, with a looped top and a blue half dome of what appears to be glass or polished stone at its center.

They’re embarrassed they brought it home. When bodies are taken to the burial caves, they are left with a metal tag to identify them later if necessary. When the body returns, only bone and occasionally dried, mummified tissue, the shrouds are opened and the skeleton is carefully, lovingly removed and set on a tray, carried through a veil of smoke from burning sacred herbs, and placed into eternal anonymity among the other near millenia worth of bones in the temple ossuary. Now and then, they find surgical screws, replaced joints, the occasional bit of body jewelry and such. When Rho’ki dies and their remains are brought back to rest among the others, the priest interring them will find a right leg held together by rods and screws, a hip mended with a steel plate. Sometimes the extra bits are returned to living relatives.

But Rho’ki had never seen anything quite like this little curiosity. It was nestled between two ribs, against a knobbed bead of the spine, and when they had first plucked it out, it had been a whole disc. They had studied it and picked gently at the evident seams, trying to pry at it with a fingernail, but when they squeezed the domed blue center, it had opened with a quiet click, and folded out into the key. Or something? They don’t know, which is why they had tucked it away to check the register later, to see who this person had been so they could return the item to whomever they had perhaps left behind, but they had left their pullover on to combat the cold and aren’t used to having pockets while presiding. They had quickly forgotten about it.

Turning it over in their hands, Rho’ki takes the perhaps-a-key over to Feana, offering it to him. “Does this look familiar to you?”

Feana sets his embroidery down in his lap and takes it, squinting at it for a moment. “It looks… sort of like a data drive?”

“That’s what I thought, too, but not quite?”

“Mm, there aren’t enough prongs in the connector. It’s got the right shape, though. What is it?” He hands it back and Rho’ki shrugs, explaining the origins. Feana’s brows knit down over the bridge of his nose. “Was it in the body?”

Rho’ki shrugs again. “It seems like it, yes.”

Feana reaches his hand out and grabs his communicator with the other, tapping the clear screen to wake it. Rho’ki gives the thing back to him and Feana looks at the end again. “I can try and see if it will connect, and if it reads anything.” It does slide into the data port, though it isn’t the snuggest fit. After a moment, the blue center glows, staying lit for a few seconds, and then slowly flashing several times before going out, but nothing happens. Feana checks the drive to see if anything is registering with the pad. “It doesn’t see it as anything, it’s like nothing’s plugged in.” He pulls it out and gives Rho’ki back the device and they purse their lips, disappointed, folding it back into its coin shape with a click.

“Can I borrow that for a second, then? I want to check the records.” They sit and Feana hands them the pad, having to help a little to remind them how to access the digital register. Once in, Rho’ki is familiar with the register, itself. All deaths are recorded by the regional government. Each burial is logged with the person’s corresponding identification tag number, the tomb they are buried in, and any other pertinent information. People from across the region bring their dead to Handein’s temple, and family members can use the register to know where their loved one is buried, or when they will be interred, should they choose to be present for the process. Rho’ki searches the number from the stamped tin tag and slumps in further disappointment, coming up empty handed again. The body had been unidentified.

Quickly regretting it, Rho’ki clicks on the attached file, available to them with their secured login–all priests dealing with the dead and thus the register are assigned one–and immediately recognizes the unknown corpse. Most of the dead they deal with are freshly departed or decayed to little more than skeletons, but now and again there are serious and gruesome injuries, or bodies that are somewhere in the uncomfortable place between still cooling and bare bones. This corpse had been one of the latter. They click away from the photos, not needing reminding of how the flesh had been putrid, the body swollen and black with rot, whole pieces picked clean by insects and vultures and other scavengers. It had been found on the other side of the mountains, presumed to have fallen from one of the steep cliffs and left to decompose in the dry heat. More often than not, unfortunate instances like this are righted soon enough. Regional officials come and take a few samples and lots of photographs and typically the poor soul who had once inhabited the body is given back their name, updated on the register, but there is no new information for this one now than the day it had been discovered.

Feana peeks over at the screen as Rho’ki closes it and hands the communicator back. “Who were they?”

Rho’ki sighs, shaking their head. “I don’t know. They were never identified.” Left to die alone out in the desert, no name, no prayers said for them for weeks as their soul left them. A tragic fate. “What should I do with this?” Rho’ki holds up the device again. Feana has nothing to offer on the matter and Rho’ki decides some prayer is a good start in resolving it. They return to their former task, setting the tin tag and the mystery device on the altar as they light incense and a candle and ring the bell, singing the evening prayer of thanks. They fall quiet to meditate, the soft rhythm of Feana pulling thread through fabric lulling them into a peaceful trance, opening their heart to listen for answers.

They wait and drift until Feana has finished stitching and beading the lotus, his sounds changing enough as he sorts and puts away his tools to bring Rho’ki back to the real world, but on course for the curious object so far, no answers have come. Blowing out the candle, Rho’ki lets the thing sit on the altar for now, resolving to take it back to the temple in the morning.

They get ready for bed with Feana, turning out the lights and climbing up into the loft, curling up together under a pile of warm blankets. The full moon sinks down towards the forest as they fall asleep, shining bright beams through the house’s windows, casting streaks of silvery light across the floor. From the altar, the blue light at the center of the not-a-key, not-a-drive glows on, flashes twice, and then slowly, goes out.

.

[timmyrx2000]

Dipper Steps Up: Chapter 4

Chapter Index: (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

Chapter 4

From the Journals of Dipper Pines: January 3, 2014: Well, here we are, back in Piedmont. It was nice to spend the week after Christmas in Gravity Falls with Grunkle Stan, Grunkle Ford, Soos, and Melody.

OK, OK, and Wendy. ESPECIALLY Wendy. She's been teasing me in her texts ever since she saw that awful picture of me on Peoplebook, but a couple days ago she said she wanted to have a serious talk with me: Was I sure I wanted to play baseball? Could I handle it if we didn't do so well? If I didn't get to play much would I be upset? Was I going to focus too much on the game and not enough on school?

I told her she was talking like an adult, and she said, "Well, ya know, I'm getting' there, dude!" But we exchanged gifts (sorry, Mabel, but what we gave each other is still our secret. Yes, I know you sneak in and read this journal sometimes!), and I asked, "Are you still looking forward to us coming back next summer?" And she gave me a little shove and said, "Don't be a dork! You know I am!"

So. . . . I guess we're still just friends, but I realized again, being there with her—and I finally got the courage to tell her this—I can't turn off the way I feel about her. She thinks that's sweet. But she brushed back my hair, smiled at me, and said, "I love your birthmark." Then she leaned close and whispered, "I'm still kinda old for you, dude."

My heart beat a little faster, just because this time she said "kinda." Not "I'm too old for you. You know that," but KINDA! I know, I know, I'll hang my hope on anything. It's probably not realistic.

But maybe not totally unrealistic, because from what Wendy told us, Robbie's still tight with Tambry, and Wendy herself has no boyfriend, no serious one, anyway, and she hinted she might sort of be willing to wait for me to catch up. "Never dated a sports star," she teased me. "Might be fun to try if I got a chance. So—you guys win the pennant or you get to be like the most valuable player or whatever, and we just might go together to a dance or some junk when I see you again."

So . . . now I have to learn to dance?

I'll do it! Man, if I need to win a game single-handed, somehow I'll do that, too, and in the meantime I'll even get Mabel to teach me some dance moves—because NOW I'm motivated!

It was easy to be motivated, coming right off a week with his friends (especially the red-headed one), but the next day when school started again, Dipper didn't feel so sure of himself.

In Piedmont, January is the rainiest month of the year, and that Monday was a dismal, wet one with low, ragged gray skies and cold rain drifting down either in showers or in wind-rippled sheets. The team couldn't practice on the swamped baseball field, so they went to a gym classroom and on a big flat screen they watched video of last season's Pico Padres in action.

Just seeing the footage intimidated Dipper. The Padres all looked taller, longer of leg and arm, and more muscular than almost anyone on the Piedmont team—Chuck Taylor and Wiley Casen were the only two Panthers that looked like they'd be even close to an even footing. Coach Waylund kept identifying Padres players from last year who were still on this year's team.

Dipper could see how good they were—a couple of power hitters, some fast runners, some agile and accurate fielders. "Oh, man," someone groaned when they saw a video of one of Piedmont's games against the Padres. It ended in the fifth inning—the Padres were ahead twelve to one, and if a team led by more than ten, the game was over at the end of the fifth, rather than going to the standard-for-JV seven innings.

"We are so dead," someone else moaned, thunking his head down on the desk.

"With that attitude, you may be," Coach said as he flicked on the lights. "Start noticing their weaknesses, not their strengths! Look at their guy Manello—power hitter, but a sucker for a low inside pitch! And Grobbert—yell at him as you run the bases, and he gets confused! In the game against Pemberton, a player got caught between second and third, so he rushed Pemberton and screamed "Look out!" and Pemberton flinched and missed catching the throw and the runner hit third standing up. Watch for things like that!"

It would have helped if they'd had more practice time, but gallons of rain fell that month, and they got in only one day on the field per week. They got back to two or three days in February, but when Saturday, the fifteenth, rolled around, Dipper didn't feel ready—and he was afraid the team wasn't, either. In fact, he secretly hoped for rain that day, but—just their luck—the day after Valentine's dawned bright and clear.

As they suited up in the locker room, the guys talked about girlfriends and Valentines. Taylor said, "I'm out of luck there. The girl I really liked moved to freakin' Florida! How about you, Dipper? Have a date yesterday?"

Dipper was putting on his cleats. "Uh, not exactly," he said. "I video-chatted with this girl I like a lot, but—not the same."

"She from around here?" Chuck asked.

"No. Remember Mabel told you we spend summers in Gravity Falls, up in Oregon? I met her there."

"Bummer. Gravity Falls. Weird name. Yeah, Mabel talks about it a lot, and, something funny, I happened to mention the place at dinner one night. Guess what? My great-great-something-granddad on my mother's side lived in that crazy town, like, more than a hundred and fifty years ago! In fact, Mom says he founded it."

Oh, no. No, it can't be.

"He had a weird name, too," Chuck went on, not noticing that Dipper had frozen in position with only one shoe on. "Nicholas Northwest? Something like that."

"Nathaniel?" Dipper asked.

"Yeah, that's it! One of his daughters moved to California and became my mom's great-great grandmother, I think. I mean, Mom doesn't even know for sure, but something like that. Anyhow, the Northwests supposedly got rich, but I guess they didn't want to have anything to do with us poor relations. The Gravity Falls Northwests still around?"

"I think so. That's a wild coincidence," Dipper said numbly, wondering why his mystery sense was tingling.

For a while he didn't have time to worry about it. When they went out to warm up, he saw Mabel. In a short blue skirt, a white top with the Panthers logo on it in gold and blue, knee-high white-and-blue socks, white sneakers, and—not one, but two pony tails, one on each side of her head, tied with blue-and-white ribbons. And pompons. There had to be pompons. One big, fluffy, and gold, and the other one big, fluffy, and blue. And Mabel was doing high kicks, somersaults, even splits.

The bleachers looked about half full of laughing spectators. Chuck whistled. "Man! I know this is the home field and all, but we never drew a crowd this big last year!" He slapped Dipper's shoulder. "Your sis is OK, dude! I think she'll bring us good luck!"

As the game started, Dipper warmed the bench and hoped that if they really were in for some luck, it would start soon.

But it didn't, not right away. Piedmont won the coin toss, and Chuck decided they'd take the field in the top of the first, so the guys who were playing trotted out to their positions. Dipper hunkered down on the bench, his glove in his lap, and tried not to hear Mabel shrieking, "Padres, Padres, gonna flop! Panthers, Panthers, we're the top! Gimme a Panther roar, people!" What she got was mostly a sustained laugh and some scattered cheers, but that didn't even slow her down.

Dipper glanced sideways and saw that Coach was grinning down at him. Dipper knew he must look sheepish.

But Coach just shrugged and said, "Don't worry, Pines. Mabel's brought in a crowd. Nice to have some spectators!"

Chuck's arm was in good shape. He struck out the first batter with four pitches—two strikes, a ball, and then a strike—and the next man in the batter's box popped out on his first pitch, the shortstop taking two quick steps to field the little looper. Then, seeming to gain confidence, Chuck fanned the next man, the big hitter Ricky Manello—though Manello protested the last low inside pitch, which he claimed missed the strike zone by an inch. The umpire politely disagreed, suggesting if Manello thought a pitch was too low, he probably shouldn't swing at it, and the Padres took the field.

At first it looked as if the bottom half would fly by just like the top: Mike Monohan took a good cut at a fast pitch and launched a pretty fair line drive, but the Padres shortstop, already tall, made a leap and snagged it. One out. Then Petey DeFoy, who had started out nearly as bad as Dipper at the plate but who had been hard at work on his batting all fall, took two strikes and two balls, but to the crowd's excitement, on the next pitch he made a solid connection. The left fielder misjudged it, it flew over the tip of his glove by a couple of inches, and by the time he'd scrambled around to grab the ball and fire it in, Petey was sliding into second, and Mabel was going nuts, like an AAA-cell battery-operated toy that had accidentally been plugged directly into a wall socket.

Chuck stepped up. The pitcher shook off a couple of suggestions from the catcher and pitched an outside ball. Then another. It looked as if he meant to walk Chuck, but then the pitcher threw one that would have just clipped the outside edge of the strike zone if Chuck hadn't swung on it and sent it past the first baseman and skipping along the first-base line. He made it to first while the right fielder fielded it and threw to second for the relay to home, holding Petey at third.

Now the bench guys all leaned forward, chanting, "Go! Go! Go!"

Jayden Dufresne, like Dipper a freshman, was a muscular, above-average cleanup man, and Mabel chanted, "One, two, one-two-three! Hit a homer now, JD!"

He grinned at her and gave her a salute before stepping into the box. The pitcher looked grumpy as he went into a windup. He drilled in an excellent fastball—and JD, the heavy hitter, bunted!

That was all Petey needed. He slid into home plate, though the catcher, a fraction of a second too late to tag him, turned and fired the ball to first, just barely putting J.D. out. And then, unfortunately David Barbour—"Barb"—struck out after two strikes, two balls, and two fouls.

The second inning was fast and scoreless for both teams. Dipper kept looking back at the scoreboard, as if the Panthers' 1 would suddenly evaporate. He began to hope that he might have a chance on the field this game. It was early in the season, they were ahead—well, just barely ahead—and maybe things would fall right for him.

And they did in the next inning. Coach looked thoughtful as the Padres' seventh and eighth batters both reached base on singles. He signaled Chuck to call for a change and said, "Pines, take second. Renaldo, you're in at first. Don't get shook up just because this is your first game, guys. Remember your practice!"

Dipper took over second from X-Man, who in passing said, "Luck, Dip!" and Tom-Tom Renaldo replaced Monohan at first. Dipper got into position and tried to concentrate over Mabel's glass-shattering "Dipper! Dipper! There's no doubt! He's the man to put them out!"

He tried to gulp back some butterflies that seemed to be trying hard to flutter out of his stomach and pass up his gullet and escape from his mouth. It wasn't a hot day, but suddenly the sun seemed glaring and he felt a little dizzy. Get a grip, get a grip, be in the game.

The next batter whiffed the first pitch, took the second for a called strike, and then swung on the third, getting a piece of it—it was going to come down a few feet behind second! Dipper backpedaled, jumped, caught the ball—and it stayed in the pocket of his glove!—and was running in mid-air before his feet hit ground again. The runner on second had bolted for third, realized what happened, reversed, and made a dash back to the base—but Dipper's monster-running practice got him there a heartbeat faster, and he tagged the Padres player out—an unassisted double play!

And the crowd went crazy! Well, be fair, Mabel, mainly, went crazy. But Dipper felt a couple of feet taller. Unfortunately, the next man up blasted a double, and the runner on base scored. But Chuck bore down hard and struck the next batter out, retiring the side with the score tied 1-1.

From there, for Dipper, it was downhill. He got to bat in the bottom of the inning, but though ahead of him Bobby Adamski had reached first and Dub Wilson had made a clean hit through the gap, the base coach unwisely motioned Dub to stretch his hit to a double—and Dub wasn't as fast as Dipper. He was put out, the throw to third was in time, and suddenly the Panthers had two outs, no one on base, and it was up to Dipper.

Who clenched up. A good pitch went right past him. He swung uselessly at one outside the strike zone. And he broke too soon and went down swinging on the third pitch, which, to be fair, he should have hit.

He took the field again, feeling, as Grunkle Stan might say, like ten cents worth of nothing.

The fourth inning brought a personal improvement, but unfortunately, it looked like the Padres had caught fire. They led off with a double; then the next man struck out; and then the biggest guy on the team with the unfortunate name Frank Farder hit a sweet home run, and suddenly the Padres were ahead, three to one. The next Padre got to first, and the next one after him smashed a blazing line drive to far left field. Dipper saw JD dive, catch it a foot off the ground, roll and leap to his feet, and fire it to him. He caught it—it stung like a hard-hit ball—and Dipper spun, realizing that the runner on first had overrun on his way to second but at the last moment had reversed direction. Putting on his best speed, Dipper caught him almost at first base and tagged him out.

The coach met him as he came in. "Good double play back there earlier," he said. "But Pines, throw to first when a man's running back. You're lucky you got the speed."

Dipper hung his head and admitted, "I know that was a dumb move. I got too anxious and lost track."

"You're coming along. Just remember next time."

Dipper rested in the dugout, but not for long—the next three Panthers struck out, one after the other. The Padres pitcher, Norm Chernky, was even better than Chuck, and he seemed to have hit the top of his game.

In the fifth, as if in revenge, Chuck in turn struck out three Padres in a row. And as if inspired, the other guys stood up to Chernky when they came up to bat: Stevie Prenelli, not a great hitter, got a single on a fielder's error. Kenneth Keeler, who had a good eye, then sacrificed to put Stevie on second. Mike managed a double, Petey went down swinging, and then Chuck, facing a Padres pitcher who now was getting a little tired and wild, also smacked a double, tying the score. That was great. Even better was JD's heroic homer, which pushed Piedmont to a 5-3 lead. Mabel didn't calm down even after the next batter, David Barbour, made a ground out.

Following league rules, which limited a pitcher to under 95 pitches per game, Coach retired Chuck at the top of the sixth and sent in Jon J as pitcher. After his warm-up, Jon J first pitched into a line drive, but the shortstop nabbed it for the out. The next Padres batter hit a fast grounder, and Dipper hustled to pick it up—but he glanced to first base at the wrong moment and overran it, letting it shoot through the gap, and the opposing player got a single.

Coach called for substitutions, and—not to Dipper's surprise—he was called in to the bench, while X-man took his place. "Sorry, Coach," Dipper mumbled. "That was a bad error."

"Not so bad if you learn from it," Waylund insisted. He also sent Big W in as catcher, and from that point to the end of the game, Dipper was a spectator. The Padres went down without managing to score another run, leaving it 5-3, Piedmont's favor, before they were retired. In the bottom of the sixth, the Panthers just couldn't get anything going. Two men got to base, but the others were caught out or struck out.

"If we can hold 'em," Coach muttered, "we've won a big one."

And—

Well, no need for false suspense. They did win it in the seventh. True, thanks to a double and a grounder single, the Padres got another man home and brought the score to 5-4, but between some good pitching and some better fielding, the Pico Padres were retired without managing to tie or beat Piedmont. The game ended with the score still five to four, Piedmont, and they'd squeaked out a win for their first game of the season.

And—funny thing—only when his mom and dad came down from the bleachers did Dipper even realize they'd come to the game. "We are so proud!" Mom said, beaming with joy. "You were absolutely wonderful! Everyone loved it! That was so great—Mabel!"

But Dad at least glanced at him and said in a mild voice, "Nice double-play, Dipper."

Mabel was jumping up and down in her lone-cheerleader get-up and excitedly suggesting that they should treat Chuck to an early dinner at a fancy restaurant when, behind them, a commotion broke out. Dipper turned.

One of the Piedmont men lay on his face in the grass just to the right of the third-base line, as if he'd fallen.

The number on his back was 3.

Chuck Taylor's number.

And Coach, who had hunkered over him, stood up with an expression of urgent concern and yelled as loud as he could, "Is there a doctor here?"

To be continued

Note from the Authors: This was just an idea I had but the one who really worked his magic and wrote almost all of this is none other than BillEase. He’s an amazing author who usually hangs out at fanfiction.net. Don’t pass up on a chance to check out his stuff. This guy is AMAZING. He wrote the story, I just gave the plot.

[ialwayscomewhenyoucall]

Time Lord Technology and Hidden Depths

tentoo x rose

They stood together, holding hands, the air around them humming with anticipation and possibility. Rose had a messenger bag slung over her shoulder. The Doctor held a key.

“Here we are, Rose Tyler. Are you ready?”

She squeezed his hand. “Allons-y,” she said, unable to hold back her smile.

His laugh wrapped around her like a warm hug. “Allons-y!” he repeated, grinning. Then he reached out and put the key into the keyhole of their brand new TARDIS.

It had taken just less than a year and a half to grow from the “seed” the (other) Doctor had given them before going back to his universe. Today was their maiden voyage.

“Not that I’m complaining,” Rose said, “but why does it look like this? Isn’t it supposed to...blend? You said the other one looked like a police box because the chameleon circuit was broken.” Because their new TARDIS looked almost exactly like the old one. The blue was a bit brighter, maybe, and the door handles had a slightly different shape. Other than that…

The Doctor shrugged. “Maybe she knew what we wanted.”

Rose raised her eyebrows. “She?”

He winked.

Again she squeezed his hand, and then together--even though the sign still said pull--they pushed the door open and went inside.

It felt like home.

***

They could have explored for hours, of course, but they were too anxious to be off. The Doctor pulled Rose into a tight embrace and asked, “Where are we headed, then? Your choice. All of time and space are at our fingertips once again! The Doctor and Rose in the TARDIS, as it should be.” He spun her around, laughter spilling from both of them.

“I actually have something in mind,” Rose said, a twinkle in her eye. “Do you remember when we met Captain Jack, that time in London?”

“Oh yes. ‘I’m looking for a blond,’” he said, in a horrible imitation of his previous incarnation’s accent.

She pulled a face at the weird combination of old and new and pushed on. “Can we go around that same time period? London, war-torn, lots of kids on the streets? Only Christmas Eve, please.”

“Christmas Eve and street kids? What have you got up your sleeve?” he asked with a grin.

She grinned right back at him. “It’s in my bag, actually.”

***

Rose almost cried at the sight of the Doctor’s hands dancing across the controls, at the familiar grinding/whooshing sound of the TARDIS. The trip itself took less than a minute, and then there they were, opening the doors into another time.

A dusting of grey snow covered the silent street in front of them. There were no cars, just an abandoned, broken bicycle leaning against a lamppost and a tipped over rubbish bin. The snow, still falling, was unblemished.

“Does anyone live here?” asked Rose. “It’s spooky.” They hesitated to walk out the TARDIS door and onto the empty street, but they both felt the thrill of excitement when they stepped into the past.

The Doctor’s eyes darted from side to side, up and down, taking in their surroundings. “I don’t think it’s completely abandoned. I wonder if maybe there was a recent attack, and the people haven’t come out of hiding yet? They could be down in cellars and shelters.” He pointed to a sidewalk leading to a house three down from where they stood. “Look at that one. There are old footprints, under the most recent snow. And I hear planes. Far distant, but they are out there.”

Rose shook her head. She believed him, but she couldn’t hear anything but the soft sound of falling snow.

His head whipped around. “There!” he said, pointing toward a shadowy alley up the block. “I think if we go that way just might find those kids you’re looking for. Got your supplies?”

She patted her bag. She loved him for so many reasons, but in that moment she loved him for his utter faith in her. He didn’t ask questions, just trusted that she knew what she was doing. Unexpectedly tears welled up in her eyes; she hastily scrubbed them away and followed after her Doctor, careful not to slip in the newly fallen snow. The air was cold, so cold that her breath frosted in clouds around her head and the snow squeaked under her boots. The squeak of each step was loud in the quiet night.

She caught up to the Doctor and slipped her hand into his, finding comfort in the familiar warmth of his palm against hers. “This way,” he said, his voice soft as the snow. They stepped into the alley.

Rose knew immediately that they were being watched. The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end and all her senses were on high alert. She didn’t feel threatened though, not exactly. Just warned, like the the watchers were sending out a “We are here, be aware of us” message. The Doctor squeezed her hand. He felt it too, and again he was trusting her to lead.

Tucking these thoughts away to marvel over later, she said in a low, light voice, “It’s alright. We’re the good guys. English. We don’t want anything from you. I have something for you, actually.” She plunged her hands into her bag and brought out handfuls of Christmas sweets: candy canes and chocolate coins and gingerbread men and turkish delight. She also had oranges and bananas--the Doctor grinned at those--and small loaves of bread. The children, who had been crouched behind rubbish bins and stacks of boxes couldn’t stay hidden at these heaps of treasure. They peeked out from their hiding places, being careful to stay in the shadows, but they couldn’t hide the noise. There were gasps and moans of pure delight mixed with what was unmistakably hunger.

“It’s really alright. Happy Christmas,” said Rose, pushing her hands a little closer to the children in the shadows, trying to draw them out. “I’m Rose. And this is the Doctor. We just brought some Christmas treats, that’s all. Didn’t figure anyone else would.”

Slowly, slowly, a small dark haired boy, no more than six years old, stepped out from behind a mouldy box. “I’ve never tasted a candy cane before,” he said, his eyes fixed on the red and white striped candies. “I’ve seen them in shops, but never…” His voice trailed off as he stepped closer and closer, and finally reached out his hand to Rose. His bright green eyes looked into hers and said, “It’s really okay, mum?”

Rose couldn’t speak; she knew if she did the tears in her eyes would start to fall and she’d lose all control. So she just smiled and nodded and put a candy cane in the boy’s small, dirty hand. He unwrapped it with great care; then, when he couldn’t wait any longer, took a taste.

His eyes widened. “This is the best thing I ever tasted. Ever. Sally! Come taste this!” A girl with soft brown hair, perhaps his sister, clambered down from the pile of wooden crates she’d been perched on. While Sally looked at the sweets the boy said, “All of you, come on! This is good!”

Before Rose knew what had happened, she was surrounded by children; it was difficult to count because they didn’t stay still, but she guessed there were twelve or fifteen, none of them older than ten. Amazingly they didn’t grab, they waited their turn to choose from the pile of sweets. They must have been able to see that there was plenty to go around. Every time something started to run low--the candy canes were a definite favorite, followed by the oranges and the bread--Rose would reach into her bag and pull out more. Eventually the Doctor noticed. He left the little girl he’d been chatting with, and his eyebrows were puzzled when he sidled up to Rose.

“That bag,” he said, speaking right into her ear so none of the children could hear. “Where did you get it?”

She grinned up at him and winked. “The TARDIS made it for me. The old one, I mean. I asked and it--I mean, she--made it for me. Time Lord technology. Bigger on the inside. It got left on board when we were--” She faltered; it still hurt to think about how she had been trapped in Pete’s World the first time. Being separated from the Doctor had been like having half of herself amputated without anesthetic. “But when I was back on board I snatched it up again, made sure it got out the door with me. Bloody useful, this bag.”

“Why Rose Tyler,” said the Doctor, wonderment in his eyes and a smile curving his lips, “full of hidden depths, you are.” He kissed her fully, to the immediate disgust of the boys in the group. Some of the girls, too.

When all the food was passed out--the children were amazed to find that there was much more than they could possibly eat, including quite a lot of fruit--Rose exclaimed, “Oh! I nearly forgot!” She reached into her bag, her arm disappearing up to the shoulder, and rooted around for a moment before she cried out, “I’ve got it!” She pulled out a blanket. And then another, and another. The blankets were followed by wool sweaters, and socks, and scarves, and hats, and mittens. The children’s eyes grew wider and wider. They almost certainly thought they were dreaming, but what would they think when they woke up snug and warm and full the next morning? Rose would become a legend. The Doctor grinned. Quite right, he thought.

A moment later a siren echoed in the street. “What’s that?” asked Rose, clearly startled.

The children looked at her as if she was from another planet. You’re almost right, thought the Doctor, amused. A blond girl said, “It’s the all-clear siren, mum. The bombers are gone. People can go outside again.”

“That’s our cue to go then,” said the Doctor, putting his arm around Rose. The children clambered around them, jostling to get in close, to hug Rose, to whisper their thanks. She hugged every one of them, and ruffled their hair or stroked their cheeks. All too soon they were gone, the children deeper into the alley and Rose and the Doctor back onto the street they’d come from, holding hands again, walking to their TARDIS. The street was still empty but a few lights had come on in the once dark houses. The town was coming back to life.

“I know I can’t fix everything,” Rose said as they walked the last few steps on the dark, snowy street. “I just wanted to bring a little joy to some kids on Christmas.”

The Doctor pulled her through the blue doors, into the warmth of the TARDIS, the warmth of home. “You were brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.” He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her softly, first her cheeks, then her forehead, then her lips.

When they could breathe again, the Doctor said, “So, back home now?”

Rose, her arms still wrapped around him, buried her face in his neck. “I’m already home.”

After a beat to fix the moment in his memory he busied himself with the control panel. When the TARDIS flew into the time vortex he shouted, “Well then, allons-y!”

for @doctorroseprompts 31 Days of Ficmas || Day 5: Candy Canes

my ficmas masterpost

[alchemine]

the time travel saga continues

In which there is a failure to resolve anything, but at least Danny finally gets fed a proper meal. 

previously on: part 1 | part 2  | part 3 | part 4 | part 5

Before Danny even opened his eyes, he knew that it was morning, and that Jo’s test hadn’t worked. The air around him smelt of wood and paint and carpeting instead of his discarded socks and those disgusting sausages Scott kept buying and cooking, and he could hear the faint hum of an industrial-strength ventilation system instead of the ordinary early-morning traffic in their road. 

The good news was that the library staff hadn’t found him and handed him over to the police. The bad news was that he was still locked in a room deep in the underbelly of the library, that his neck and back hurt from sleeping stretched across two chairs, and that he desperately needed the toilet. On balance, it seemed bad news was winning over good for the second day in a row.

Groaning quietly, he unfolded himself from his torture rack, pressed the power button on his phone to check the time, and found that the library had opened ten minutes ago, which meant he could at least leave the room instead of pissing in a corner like some sort of wild animal. He stretched arms and legs as best he could, gathered up Jo’s books from the night before, and tried to smooth his sticking-up hair before unlocking the door and easing it open far enough to check the corridor. He had a brief vision of himself abruptly coming face to face with a floating, spectral librarian, but all was clear, and he made it up to the main floor without seeing anyone either living or dead.

There were already surprising numbers of people coming in through the doors where he’d entered the night before--mothers arriving with their toddlers for the morning rhyme time session, old men settling in to spend the day perusing the racks of newspapers, and grubby-looking students prepared to stake out the best seats in the study area. Danny merged with them as nonchalantly as he could, glad that the dark trousers, white shirt and tie he’d worn to work two days and twenty-three years before were nondescript enough to blend into almost any decade (although he had a nasty feeling they were beginning to smell less than fresh), and deposited the stack of books on an empty bit of shelf before escaping to the men’s toilets. With his most urgent need out of the way, he examined his dishevelled, red-eyed self in the mirror, then washed his face and hands and rinsed his mouth, which tasted as if something had prised it open and crawled inside to die in the night. Maybe Jo had a toothbrush he could use. And a razor. And a shower.

And a spare roast dinner wouldn’t go amiss, he thought. The hunger that had been an annoyance yesterday was a bottomless roaring pit today, and as he gulped down a double palmful of water from the sink to try to quiet it, he realised he felt dangerously shaky. He had better hurry up and get to Jo’s, or he’d fall over along the way.

The sky outside was still grim with clouds, but it wasn’t actively raining, which he decided to count as another tick in the “good news” column. He stood on the library’s steps for a moment to get his bearings, and noted that while no one passing by was on the phone, either talking or typing away madly with their thumbs, no one looked particularly interested in giving him directions either. They were a grim lot, these citizens of twenty years ago, tramping along in their ugly vintage jumpers and plastic rain bonnets and gigantic square-lensed specs, or sitting on benches and reading newspapers full of events he only remembered from modern history lessons at school. Well, he’d find his way without their help, the miserable beggars.

He’d never missed Google Maps more in his life, but he unfolded the paper map he’d acquired and from that, managed to locate the address Jo had given him, which was back in the direction from which they’d both come yesterday. It had been a five-minute bus ride, but it took nearly half an hour to walk, and he really was ready to fall over by the time he got there. Her house was a large, semi-detached one fronted by carefully tended shrubbery, in a road not unlike the one where she would eventually live with Iain, and he felt weak and bedraggled and unsightly as he pushed the bell and waited.

After a moment, Jo opened the door--not in school uniform today, thank God; being seen with her in it had made him feel pervier than he ever wanted to feel again--and greeted him with a disappointed expression.

“It didn’t work, then.”

“No,” Danny said, and she sighed.

“You’d better come in. Don’t worry, there’s no one else here.”

He followed her through the house to the kitchen, where she sat him at a cluttered breakfast bar covered with the detritus of the Rourkes’ daily family life.

“You’ve got to be starving,” she said, and he nodded, hoping he didn’t look too pathetic. “What do you want to eat?”

“Anything. Everything. If you’ve got a dog I’ll fight it for one of its biscuits.”

Jo snorted with laughter. “I don’t think you’ll have to go that far.” She turned away to open cupboards and peer into the fridge. “Cornflakes? Cold chicken? Leftover cake?”

“Yes please,” Danny said, and she banged a box of cornflakes, a jug of milk and a blue plastic bowl down in front of him.

“Here, start with these and we’ll see how you get on. Don’t make yourself sick, though. I don’t want to clear that up.”

He got through two bowls of cornflakes, three slices of buttered toast, a fist-size chunk of cake and a chicken leg before he admitted defeat and stopped, stuffed nearly to the point of pain, but finally able to think straight again. Jo had made them both a cup of tea while he was head down in the cereal bowl, and now she perched on the stool beside his, her cup wrapped in both her hands, and regarded him with curiosity. She’d put on pale-pink lipstick this morning, he saw: with Future Jo, that would mean she was girding herself up for some sort of battle, but this Jo was probably just taking advantage of a day out from under the nuns’ gimlet eyes.

“Well, Daniel,” she said.

“Well, Joanne.”

Jo scrunched her nose up at the sound of her full name. “All right, all right. Obviously what we hoped would happen didn’t happen, because here you are, but did anything happen at all? Did you have any prophetic dreams or mysterious flashes of insight in your sleep?”

“The only thing I got in my sleep was a sore neck.” Danny tilted his head gingerly from side to side, wincing. “I’ve still got no idea what happened, and I had lots of time to think about it, sitting there on my own in the dark. It really was a completely boring, ordinary Tuesday right up until the moment when I did my Marty McFly impression.”

“Your what?”

“Another film. It’ll be in the cinemas in a few more months. You should see it. Anyway, I honestly can’t remember anything weird happening, just going to work and then coming home in the rain.”

“It was raining here too,” Jo said thoughtfully. “I wonder--no, that couldn’t have anything to do with it. Was the date here the same as the one you left?”

Danny nodded. “Tuesday, the nineteenth of March, both places.”

“And there’s no significance to that date for you?”

“Not that I know of.”

“This is making my head hurt,” Jo said. She finished her tea and set her cup down. “Have you checked your pockets? Maybe someone did a reverse pickpocketing and slipped you some miniature time-travelling device disguised as a coin?”

“I showed you my coins yesterday, remember?”

“Still.”

Danny pushed aside his bowl and plate, empty now except for a few drops of milk and a gnawed chicken bone, and turned his pockets out on the worktop, trousers first and then coat. “Wallet, coins, mobile, map, that slip of paper you gave me--”

“No keys?”

“I put them down after I let myself into the flat,” Danny said, thinking back to his movements on that night. He’d been tired, running on autopilot, not thinking of much beyond whether he was going to have pickle on his sandwich or not.

Jo nodded. “Anything else?”

He dug deeper into his left coat pocket. “Notepad, gum--that’s for you, you’re always asking me for some--oh God, don’t look at that.” He grabbed for the bright foil condom packet he’d accidentally thrown down alongside everything else, but not fast enough to stop Jo shooting out a hand and picking it up.

“With ribs and dots,” she read aloud. “Designed to speed her up and slow him down. Really?”

“It’s not mine.”

“It’s not?” Jo looked up at him with raised eyebrows. “Don’t tell me this is the disguised time-travelling device.”

“It’s my brother thinking he’s funny.” He snatched the packet back from her and stuffed it down into his coat pocket again. “He’s always hiding them in my pockets, for good luck, he says.”

“Does it work?”

“Does what work?”

“Hiding them in your pockets,” Jo said. “Not the other it. I’m sure that works.”

“For fuck’s sake,” Danny said, exasperated. He could feel a slow burn starting in his face and knew it was only a matter of time until it became visible.“Look, can we not have this conversation? Let’s just go through the rest of these things and make certain there’s nothing strange about any of them.”

“Sorry,” Jo said, not sounding very sorry at all. She touched the spread-out items delicately, with the tips of her fingers, as if she were a medium trying to contact him through his possessions. “It all looks perfectly normal to me, but it’s not mine. Does anything look wrong to you?”

Danny stared down at the small, sad collection of objects that now represented the whole of his real life, searching for some sort of pattern or anomaly, and then slowly shook his head.

“No.”

[whittlebaggett8]

33 unique Mother’s Day gifts from Etsy that moms will love, Defence Online

Insider Picks writes about products and services to help you navigate when shopping online. Insider Inc. receives a commission from our affiliate partners when you buy through our links, but our reporting and recommendations are always independent and objective.

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A unique ring makes a sweet Mother’s Day gift.

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Etsy

With Mother’s Day fast approaching, you’re probably searching for that perfect gift for Mom.

If you haven’t checked it out yet, we highly recommend taking a look at Etsy – the online marketplace is full of handmade products from all over the world. We’re always suprised at the unique things we find.

We already checked out the site and hand-picked 33 interesting finds that we think will make great Mother’s Day gifts.

If you want some more inspiration, you can find all of our Mother’s Day gift guides here.

Etsy is one of our favorite destinations for unique gifts – whether that means handmade, vintage, or customized. It has thousands of one-of-a-kind pieces from talented artisans all over the world, and well-curated gift guides for all of your gifting needs.

With Mother’s Day right around the corner, we highly recommend checking out what Etsy has to offer. Whether you want to splurge on some handmade jewelry, or go the DIY route and make mom an old-fashioned IOU coupon book, Etsy has something for you.

Keep reading for 33 unique products from Etsy that Mom will love:

A pack of 50 coupons

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Etsy

Deco Cards Blank Coupons, pack of 50, $6.29

Are you ever too old to give Mom some IOU coupons? I think not. After all, what does she love more than spending time with you? Fill these with some fun activities you can share and let her redeem whenever.

An adorable egg cup

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Etsy

Hannah Turner Shop Ceramic Swan Egg Cup, $24.33

If her morning routine runs on boiled eggs of any sort, these ceramic swans will make breakfast a lot more fun. She can also get creative and use this as a trinket dish, salt cellar, or little dip bowl. And, if you want more, the maker offers all kinds of adorable egg cup animals.

A unique coin purse

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Etsy

Create Gift Love Personalized Leather Coin Purse, from $33.82

Customize this cool leather pouch with a name on front or a message inside, or both. The personalization adds a nice touch to an already great gift.

A relaxing eye pillow

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Etsy

Kaliko Co. Lavender and Flax Eye Pillow, $39.69

After a long day at work, she’ll love to relax with this soothing eye pillow. Just heat or freeze the linen bag, fill with the lavender blend, and place over tired eyes – the bag releases a calming scent and soothes the skin, perfect for moments when she needs to wind down.

A personalized photo key ring

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Etsy

Create Gift Love Personalized Photo Key Ring, $35.17

She’ll never lose her keys again if they’re attached to this cute key ring, which includes a custom engraving and a photo of her favorite people.

An artistic planter

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Etsy

Ashley Pao Ceramics Stoneware Planter, $44

Celebrate her great style with this mod handmade planter – she’ll love the abstract design. If you really want to go the extra mile, put a real plant in the pot so it’s ready to go.

A sweet and simple card

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Etsy

Sketchy Notions Mother’s Day Card, $4.50

Sometimes, all you need is a sweet card to tell Mom how much you appreciate her. This card has a cute message on the cover and plenty of room inside for you to leave all of your heartfelt thoughts.

A vintage-looking teapot

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Etsy

Rebecca W Ceramics Handmade Teapot, $64.93

Heating water may seem banal, but this precious ceramic teapot will at least make it a more aesthetically pleasing pursuit.

A set of custom coasters

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Etsy

Coast to Coaster Canada Personalized Photo Coasters, from $20.94

Personal and practical, this set of coasters is a more useful take on the traditional photo book.

A pillow of her favorite pet

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Etsy

Shannon Broder Custom Silkscreen Pet Pillow, $80

If she makes it very clear that her favorite child is the furry one, show her you get it with an adorable pillow version of the family pet. Really, everyone benefits from this one.

A cute plant and message

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Etsy

Airfriend “You Rock” Air Plant Crystal, from $20

Plain and simple, Mom rocks. You may feel like you’ve told her a million times, but it can’t hurt to say it again – this time with an air plant in a crystal planter.

A minimalist pair of gold earrings

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Etsy

Sofia Kov Jewelry 14k Gold Teardrop Studs, $221.78

If you’re looking to splurge, you can’t go wrong with some nice jewelry. These earrings are beautiful and handmade, so you can be sure they’re one-of-a-kind.

A simple and light scented candle

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Etsy

Bare Candle Company Soy Candle, from $11

The light and fresh scent of this candle will bring the scent of spring into any room – even if the weather isn’t so great outside. Plus, when it burns out, she can reuse the jar as a trinket holder or succulent planter.

A luxurious body scrub

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Etsy

Shop Among the Flowers Moisturizing Whipped Salt Scrub, $18

A nice body scrub is a little luxury she (and her skin) will be very thankful for. Choose from lavender, orange ginger, pink salt, and a variety of other delightful scents.

A relaxing spa gift box

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Etsy

Lizush Gift Box, from $42

You may not be able to give her a real spa day, but this box is pretty close. Full of luxe lavender body products like a clay mask, shower steamer, and body oil, she can treat herself to some pampering from the comfort of her own home.

A convenient bathtub caddy

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Etsy

Timber Grove Studios Bathtub Caddy, from $34.89

Bath time is pretty good as-is, but a book, glass of wine, and some candles could definitely make it better. This sturdy caddy ensures she can bring whatever she’d like to her next bubble bath, without making a mess.

A unique piece of wall art

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Etsy

Julivani Pressed Lavender Flower Frame, from $32

Why give a bouquet of flowers that’ll only last for a week or so, when you could give her some framed lavender that’ll last forever?

A birthstone ring

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Etsy

Aquarian Thoughts Birthstone Stacking Ring, from $32

These rings look great alone or together. Get her a ring of her own birthstone, or choose a few that represent the birth months of everyone in her family.

A celestial signet ring

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Etsy

Skin Studio Jewelry Constellation Signet Ring, from $109.66

A signet ring is a timeless jewelry style and a great gift. Small topaz stones, mirroring the shape of a constellation add a unique touch to this one.

A vase and smartphone holder

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Etsy

Stak Ceramics Bloom Phone Vase, $32

Most smartphone stands have a utilitarian look, but this one is minimal and stylish, serving as a vase to hold her favorite flowers, too.

A monogrammed ring dish

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Etsy

Modern Mud Gold Monogrammed Ring Dish, $40

Pick her favorite color, add her initial, and you’ve got her new favorite addition to her dresser.

A funny pair of socks

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Etsy

Ella Bella Boutique Wine Socks, from $11.99

Pair these with a bottle of her favorite varietal. You read the socks.

A pillowcase of her favorite place

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Etsy

Sweet Hooligans Design Personalized Zip Code Pillow, from $25

A minimal and stylish take on hometown pride, she’ll love adding this pillow to her living room or bedroom.

A set of cheeky bookends

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Etsy

Design Atelier Article Metal Kitchen Bookends, $49

Help her keep her overflowing cookbook collection organized with these cute cutlery bookends made for the kitchen.

A spa-like waffle robe

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Etsy

Lovingly Ours Monogrammed Waffle Robe, from $28.80

Who doesn’t love wrapping up in a cozy robe after a warm shower? This one is just like the kind she’d get at a spa.

A rustic stone serving tray

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Etsy

Back Bay Pottery Stone Cheese Board, $85.50

This rustic stoneware instantly elevates cheese and crackers, charcuterie, or whatever else she decides to serve on it.

A charming map

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Etsy

Posh Totty Designs “My Home” Map Picture, from $52.75

This personalized map is a cute way to decorate her home. The image is made using vintage maps and includes a custom message of your choosing.

A dainty necklace of her children’s names

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Etsy

Caitlyn Minimalist Dainty Necklace, from $30.75

This necklace can hold up to four names. So, you can include just her name or the names of family members for a sentimental take on the classic initial necklace.

A bright suede clutch

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Etsy

Jill Brodeur Fuchsia Suede Monogram Clutch, $175

This bright pink clutch is roomy enough for all of her daily essentials. The suede, edge detailing, silk interior, and monogram options make it truly unique.

A cuter plastic bag alternative

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Etsy

The Oysters Pearl “Fresh and Local” Canvas Tote Bag, $22

Whether she’s going to the farmer’s market or Trader Joe’s, grocery shopping looks a lot better – and more sustainable – with one of these canvas bags printed with a fun saying.

An aromatherapy necklace

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Etsy

Ashley Madrigal Essential Oil Diffuser Necklace, $28

Choose from a variety of gemstone combinations to find a necklace that fits her style. The necklace is cute enough as is, but it can be lathered with essential oils for a little aromatherapy treatment, making it an even better buy.

A travel journal

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Etsy

Wayfaren Travel Journal, from $24.50

Fuel her wanderlust with this unique journal. It has all kinds of features to help her plan her next trip, like a packing list, budget sheets, and side pockets to stash photos and other mementos.

A garden stake

source

Etsy

81MetalArt Mom’s Garden Stake, from $32.25

If she’s got a major green thumb, help her mark her territory with this garden stake. Noo ne will ever forget whose garden it is, but more importantly, it adds some nice decor to her yard.

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So, you want to be a millionaire? I’m guessing that’s how you ended up there

You could try answering a bunch of trivia questions from Regis Philbin and hope your phone a friend doesn’t fail, or you could go out and buy a lottery ticket. But both of those methods are for betas, because they rely on pure chance instead of skill or hard work.

The truth is, t’s actually not that hard to make your first million. You don’t have to be a genius, and you don’t invent something totally new. The best things were just a brilliant repackaging of something that already existed (iPod, anyone?).

The key is starting something for yourself. You’re never going to hit a 7-figure salary in your day job, but at least you’ve got a chance as an entrepreneur. Experiment, and once you find something that works, scale up. Thanks to the internet, it’s easier than ever to make lots of money fast. See also: the best ways to save money, the best tips for starting a business, and the best online business ideas.

I’ve ranked the top 30 ways to make your first millie by how much time they take and how passive they are, because we all know making money while we sleep is #goals. Preference is given to anything digital, because making money in the Bahamas is also #goals.

36. Invent something

Thanks to the metropolis of money-making opportunities that is the internet, you don’t even need to have the capital to manufacture anymore. Websites like Quirky will do all the work for you from manufacturing to marketing to sales — all you have to do is submit an idea that’s good enough to get chosen. (1)

With 30% royalties, invent a $40 product that sells at least 83,334 units, and you’ve got 7-figures of pure profit. Wild world.

35. Pet services

Americans love their yappy little poodles more than ever right now. By 2019, experts predict that the pet industry will hit $92 billion. (2)

If you live in a big city with lots of rich people willing to shell out the big bucks for someone to make sure their beloved Fifi gets the royal treatment while they’re on vacation, you can make good money. Build up lots of clients, hire a few high school kids and pay them minimum wage. Get more clients, hire more high school students. Skim profits off the top and relax while your $$$ stacks itself.

34. Admissions coach

Rich people will also pay big bucks if you can help them get their kid into an Ivy League…families pay upwards of $42,000 for an admissions coach to help their kid ace the SATs, write a good entrance essay, and nail their application. (3) This can also be done virtually.

With clients paying $50 grand/head, you really only need a handful of clients each year to make a million within 5 years.

33. Index funds

Warren buffet agrees, and he’s a billionaire: index funds are the best investment. They’re passive, you don’t have to pay outrageous fees to an investment manager, and they have great returns. In one study, they averaged an 8.5% return, higher than managed funds and hedge funds. (4)

Even with no savings to invest right now, that return would give you $1,000,000 in 20 years if you invested $1,587/month. You will need to really up your savings game and it will take a couple of decades to pay off, but still, those are monster returns.

32. Food truck

Food trucks are fire right now. Even with government red tape and regulations, the food truck industry has been growing at a steady 7.9% since 2011. Most good industries grow at about 2-3%/year. (5)

Use this low-cost investment to get some buzz and work out the kinks in your business. Once you’ve built a brand, expand to a full-blown restaurant. Rinse, wash, repeat with a second location and eventually a third.

31. Winery

We’re in the golden age of American wineries. The U.S. is the leading global consumer of wine, California wine sales are breaking records year after year, and wine sales in the U.S. are up to a whopping $60 billion. (6) As a country with plenty of unused potential farmland, you can have your pick when it comes to starting a vineyard.

30. Sell ad space

I wouldn’t usually recommend selling ad space as a way to get rich, because it’s just not an effective use of your time, and time is money.

But 21-year old Alex Tew has a pretty genius idea when he created the Million Dollar Homepage and went viral. Basically, he sells 1-pixel ads for $1/piece on a site with 1,000,000 pixels of ad space. (7)

29. Crowdfunding

If you’ve got an idea for a company and think there’s a market for it, try crowdfunding the idea on Kickstarter or a similar website. You’ll quickly make that million if it’s popular.

Of course, you won’t pocket that million. But if people were willing to invest millions into your idea, they’ll likely buy your products too.

28. Binary trading

This teenager from England himself binary trading while working at McDonald’s and used it to put us all to shame. He became a millionaire before age 20 and now drives around in a gold Bentley to soccer practice. (8)

Binary trading is one of the easiest financial assets to trade. It’s a yes or no bet on whether or not a certain asset with reach a certain price by a certain time (will the price of gold be below $1,350 by 2pm today?). All you do is pick yes or no. But it’s like craps…you can win big fast, but you can lose even bigger.

27. Weed farming

#Legalization has made the marijuana industry has become one of the most profitable in the country. Even if you start as a farmer picking leaves to learn the ropes, you can make a generous $35/hour ($70k salary farmers? Only on weed farms). Work your way up and then start your own farm.

26. Weed dispensary

Another way to cash in on the legalization wave is to move down the supply chain and open a marijuana dispensary.

Now, opening a dispensary isn’t easy. There are a lot of legal hoops to jump through, and they vary from state to state. Plus, you’ll need a business loan unless you have a lot of cash lying around.

Expect dispensaries to be much easier to start in the future as legalization spreads throughout the country.

25. Real estate

Real estate is one of those opportunities that really has no ceiling to how much money you can make (although that also means there’s no floor). While the median income for real estate agents is only about $54,000/year, if you look at the Wall Street Journal top 1,000 agents, you’ll see that the top real estate agent in the country grossed $1,400,000,000 in sales last year…that’s billion, with a B. The 250th ranked agent sold $60,000,000. (9)

That’s sales, not profit, but at an average commission rate of 3%, even the 250th ranked agent profited well over $1 million for the year.

24. Microbrewery

The craft beer industry is exploding all over the country. Sales of microbrews in the U.S. have grown 15-18% in the last few years compared to the 3.5% growth rate regular beer companies have seen. (10)

If you’ve had success with your home brewing kit and are ready to take it to the next level, open up your own local brewery.

23. Online poker

Sure, it’s a legal gray area, but it’s one of the few gambling methods that involves real skill. If you’ve got some math skills, you can learn how to give yourself an edge and turn $10 into $1,000,000 over time, all from your laptop. Or, if you get good enough, there are live poker tournaments that offer a $1,000,000 cash prize or even more.

22. Start a cryptocurrency IPO

How many times a day do you kick yourself for not investing in bitcoin back when it was worth $1 instead of $6,000+?

Well, now you can just start your own cryptocurrency, funded by an ICO (Initial Coin Offering). This is how Eretherum, one of the biggest cryptocurrencies aside from Bitcoin, started.

These days, your cryptocurrency does actually have to do something valuable. People don’t tolerate pump and dump schemes anymore, so make sure it has some sort of underlying value to it.

21. Network marketing

I know I talk a lot of crap about 3-way calls and Facebook harassment, but the fact is, network marketing is a good way to strike it big… if you can push your way into the top .001%.

If you’re really set on doing MLM, I suggest you pick one with a product you already use and love because knowing and being passionate about the product makes selling it easier. Also, lose your shame.

20. Subscription boxes

Birchbox, Dollar Shave Club, and snack boxes to Netflix and Spotify, subscription services are the future. By charging people monthly, you can get away with making a lot more than you would otherwise – what sounds better, shelling out $120 for a year’s worth of services, or paying $10/month?

Pick a targeted, niche product that’s cheap. People rarely pay over $9.99/month, and that’s for a service like Spotify that gives them access to just about every song ever, so think $4.99/month or less.

19. Etsy seller

Find cheap trendy stuff and sell lots of it. The number 2 seller on Amazon, Three Bird Nest, nets about a million every single year from her sales. (11) She markets her T-shirts, scarves, and hats as boutique and handmade, but in reality, she buys most of them off wholesale sites in Asia like Alibaba. She resold a pair of lace socks for $28/each that go for $6/each wholesale. Genius.

18. Angel investor

If you have a little start-up money, consider using it to invest in a promising new start-up. It’s risky, but start-ups grow like a forest fire when they’re good. If you have an eye for tech trends, this could be a money maker for you.

Do it right, and you have the potential to see a huge ROI, while barely having to do anything. Take that profit and invest in 2 start-ups. Repeat.

17. Teach online

Teachers aren’t known for making good money, but thanks to the internet, anything is possible. Online education is set to generate over $240 billion in revenue by 2021. (12)

But you aren’t going to get rich by tutoring people one-on-one online. The money’s in online courses because they’re so scalable.

A high school math teacher even quit his day job after making over $1 million in under a year from the programming online courses he created. (13)

16. Be a Landlord

Buy a property and raise the rent each year (with skyrocketing rent prices in the U.S. and scarce rentals, tenants will pay to stay). If you’re in a hot area, it’s not uncommon to increase rent by 10% or more each year.

Meanwhile, the average interest rate on a mortgage is about 4%. Use your profits to hire people and then buy more property (apartment complexes make bank). (14) Rinse and repeat, and you’ll have yourself a real estate empire.

15. Life coaching

Life coach sounds like a made-up job, but if you can brand yourself as a thought leader and reel in high-end clients, you can charge insane amounts of money. Think 5-figures for one package, 6-figures for one speech at a major event.

My advice? Pick a real specific niche, one that’s not too saturated, start a killer blog, build your LinkedIn presence, and write guest articles for major publications. Write a couple of best-selling books on Amazon and get some big-name endorsements. Done.

14. Gaming

Instead of making the next smash hit video game, you can make tons of cash by playing today’s favorite video games. You can make decent cash playing in eSports tournaments, but the real money’s in streaming and YouTube videos because they’re passive income sources.

Look at Ninja, who makes half a mil or more a month streaming on Twitch (not to mention his own YouTube videos). (15) Or Pewdiepie, who’s amassed a net worth of about $30 million, which all started with gaming. (16)

13. Consulting

You can go one of two ways with consulting: starting at a consulting firm (for the more career-oriented) or doing freelance niche consulting (for the more entrepreneurial).

For the first path, you’d want to start at a top 5 consulting firm like PriceWaterhouseCooper or McKinsey. Start off making at least $70,000 per year, then work your way up to senior level to pull in multiple six figures per year.

Gain enough experience, then leave the firm and launch your own consultancy.

As for the other consulting path, acquire a niche skillset (it can be almost anything, as long as there’s demand) and market yourself as a consultant for that niche. Without a track record, your earnings will depend on the results you deliver. Work hard, and your earnings will reflect it.

12. Investment banking

Investment banking is by far one of the highest-paid professions in the world. Entry-level investment bankers start just a little under six-figure salaries, but by the time they make it to VP status, they’ll easily be making a 7-figure salary.

Investment banking isn’t exactly easy to get into, requiring a finance degree with great grades. And once you get there, you’ll be working way more than a normal employee in another industry might work. Many entry-level investment bankers work 90-100 hours per week for long stretches throughout the year, so be ready to hustle.

11. Dropshipping

This is another saturated market, but if you manage to claw your way to the top 1%, you can bring in 5-figures while you sleep.

Some of the best dropshippers gross millions in sales every single month. Unfortunately, 9/10 of dropshipping websites don’t even make thousands, so be prepared to work and to fail a few times.

10. App development

If you’ve got some coding skills, create the next Angry Birds. Actually, you don’t even have to do that to make 7-figures. Sell your app for $2.99, you keep 70% profit, so that means you’ll only need to sell 477,000 to be a millionaire. Plenty of apps sell over 500k+. No need for it to be a massive mobile gaming hit.

Alternatively, you could make a free-to-play mobile game with in-app purchases and ads. Candy Crush, that silly little Bejeweled clone, brought in nearly $1 billion in only one year between July 2017 and July 2018, quite a lot for a free game. (17)

9. Youtube videos

Remember ‘Gangham Style’? It’s hard to forget, unfortunately. But that video earned the creator, Psy, $8 million on YouTube alone. (18)

YouTube’s average CPM (cost per mille, or payment per 1,000 views) is reported at $7.60. (19) So, a video with a million views (which is difficult, but definitely do-able) would net you $7,600.

To net a million bucks, you’d need to make 130 videos with a million views. When the videos scoring 7-figure view counts are things like “satisfying sounds”, it can’t be too hard, although you’ll have to set yourself apart from all the noise in some way.

8. Digital marketing ad agency

Lots of money to be made running ad campaigns for businesses. It’s simple: run Facebook or Google ads for businesses, make them a profit, and they’ll pay you handsomely for it.

When you’re raking in the cash, hire people to do all the work for you, while your focus on acquiring more clients. Soon enough, you’ll be pulling in plenty of money.

7. Self-publish on Amazon

Amazon bestseller Amanda Hocking was selling 100,000 copies of her books per month, so it didn’t take her long to hit a million in sales. If you sell a self-published book on Amazon for $2.99, you get to keep 70% of the profits. That means you’d have to sell 477,783 to make a million.

You don’t even have to write the book – pay a ghostwriter to write a series of juicy romance novels or cheesy mysteries and then flex your marketing skills.

6. B2B services

People have limited money to spend, but marketing to companies gives you access to deep pockets. You’re raking in huge dollars if you can help them with their bottom line.

Find a service you can market to other businesses and do it. A recent study showed that B2B digital entrepreneurs are hitting 5x the revenue growth of their B2C peers, so this is a wagon you want to hop on. (20)

5. Affiliate marketing

Stack that cash while you sleep. Online shopping is rapidly growing in popularity by the year. (21)

Affiliate marketing is an easy way to get a piece of the pie, because you don’t even have to stock up on merchandise or process orders. But margins are low until you hit huge traffic numbers, and the field is crazy competitive because everyone and their mother wants to do it.

Stand out above all the noise by writing quality content about your affiliate products and hanging in for the long term, and you’ll make the money.

4. Content farm

Content marketing is still the It Girl of sales and marketing, and it’s on track to bring in $313 billion by 2019, according to PQ Media’s Global Content Marketing Forecast. (22)

I’ve talked before about how you can make good money whipping up epic content for small to medium-sized businesses, but if you really want to blow the roof off of your earnings, build up a list of dozens (or hundreds) of clients, hire up a bunch of promising content writers on Upwork for cheap, and rake in the profits.

3. Instagram influencer

If you’ve got some style, design sense, and social media skills, this is one of the easiest ways to hit 7-figures.

You have to build up a 6-figure following, but once you do that, you can rank in thousands of dollars per sponsored post. Post one photo a day, and you’ll have a million in under a year.

What can you be an influencer for? Anything, really. From fashion, to lifestyle, to books, to cars. Monetize your passion as an influencer.

2. Start a blog

The Huffington Post started as a blog. So did Mashable, Tech Crunch, Engadget, and hundreds of more websites that today have massive followings, full-time staff, and ad revenue in the millions. Arianna Huffington went on to sell The Huffington Post to AOL for $315 million. (23)

Plenty of regular old John and Sallys are hitting the million-dollar mark and retiring at 35 thanks to blogging as well, despite the cries of “blogging is dead!”. Just run an internet search for “list of blogging income reports” to see what I’m talking about.

1. SEO for local businesses

There are probably a million ways to make a million dollars, but there’s no money-making path more certain and stable in the online world than providing services for local businesses. Offering SEO for garage door companies in Madison, Wisconsin cuts your competition down to a few people instead of the few million you have to compete with on the global internet.

SEO is easily the most important and challenging aspect of any local business. If you can do that for them and hand over fresh leads from people ready to purchase, you’re basically handing them wads of cash. In return, they’ll pay you a pretty healthy cut.

The best part? Once you’ve got your site up and running, it collects leads for you, so you get paid while you’re playing NBA 2K17, while you’re on vacation, and even while you’re sleeping. That’s the dream, right?