#i hated the flashback scene i really hated it and everything it implied

[campbenji]

you know what? fuck it *rewrites your jwct dinostar so both darius and brooklynn are acespec and the drama actually makes sense*

[yourcutelittlegayfriend]

No More Chances:

Fate's Prologue Assessment

CUT!

Let's review your scrip again, yes?

• Regression is the act of going back or a return to a past.

• You can guess what types of manwha I've reading.

• That's the AU for this fic that I intended for Y/N to have.

• Regarding about their past, I have mentioned that they have been regressing far too many times, reliving a new and yet still old life.

• Answer to why so many resets is possibly because of the 'butterfly effect' or something where even repeating resets can achange the outcomes because of the new actions you perform.

• Y/N might have done something that was different from 'the script' that led to a bad outcome resulting to another reset.

• The past or Y/N's original life is permanent and can never be change.

• Y/N will always come back as the young abandoned orphan of Bruce Wayne, who was neglected and forgotten in favor of his other children.

• Resets can only happen when Y/N is literally killed, Y/N does not have the power to control it, if Y/N want to reset, you know what you have to do, that's the price you must pay.

• Life is precious and if you want to play with it, it'll cost you your own life and sanity.

• I headcannon that death already know about this but decided not to interfer, it's not like you're an actual immortal or anything, I guess you can say you're already punishing yourself by caging your fate in a loop hole.

• Going back to the backstories, everything is a bit blurry but will be revealed by flashbacks (That's what happens when you keep **** yourself).

• Y/N remembers their mother but not her face or voice, they remember moments with them but only the fleeting ones, their touch, the warm kiss on your forehead and the cold hands that touched your bloodied cheek before it drop to the ground.

• Y/N is born and raise as a Gothamite more so on the poorer parts of Gotham.

• It's a bit ironic that Y/N's backstory is almost the same as Bruce if not for a little difference in narrative, A young mother finally earnings extra money from work and took her kid out for some mother and child bonding as a request for their birthday but the night ended with a robber being a little trigger happy and shot the mother in an alleyway grabbing all her money and possesions while leaving the traumatized child to watch their mother's life leave her body.

• Commissioner Gordon arrived at the scene and couldn't help but reminiscent a little wayne boy also sitting on the cold concrete floor of crime alley crying for his parents death years ago.

• Implied that in the next parts that Y/N will become mature and more far off than the other version of her.

• Y/N might be a kid again but they remembered some of their supposed 'ending' and in return gain more than enough trauma.

• It might be a little bit corny or too much but I want Y/N to be a little petty or hateful to the rest of the family in the upcoming interactions.

• Only acting nice and patient around the rest when you face them, they're detectives I know but how are they gonna find out when your fake acting doesn't really matter from the rest of their problems am I right?.

Lil tiny note : I want this fic have a lil angsty with some comedic stuff would that be alright?

That's all I got for now but if any of you guys want to add more traits for your own Y/N you guys can add it down.

Let's take 5!

I'll prepare for your next lines, ok?

〖 = ✧ = 〗

Do you guys want me to tag you on this stuff as well or just on the main story?

[hollyhomburg]

Before I Leave You (Pt.58)

(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: Your nightmares are a troubling development but the pack won't let you drown. They have different ideas on how to help you. Some more damaging than others.

Tags: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, Cuddling, scent marking, Nightmares, graphic depiction of fake character death, Discussions of past rape, No explicit depictions of past rape/sexual assault, past domestic-abuse, flashbacks, safe-wording during sex (Sorta), unpleasant sexual encounters, under-negotiated kink, mentioned sex toys, crying during sex, Sad blow jobs, small dick jungkook, allusions to past eating disorders, anxiety, implied self-hate, self-esteem issues, non-verbal main character.

W/c: 12.9k

A/N: this chapter was originally supposed to be a lot longer- but i got too in depth with it and had to split it up. This is easily one of the more heavy chapters of bily (and that's saying something), so please be mindful of the tags! For anyone wanting to skip the super triggering parts in the next chapter i've highlighted a sentence in red font both after the first triggering section and before the very triggering ending.

Special thanks to @imperiussexrex for helping me with jk's part <3 they're the bestest <3

Previous Chapter- Masterlist

"Sleep well, my lovely little spy."

Jin’s eyes flutter open, looking up at the beta who's watching him with a gentle but noticeably tense smile. Jin’s mouth is dry, he could pretend he didn’t hear anything but there would be no use. The truth wouldn’t change.

"Holy shit.” Jin’s whole body is ridged. Ready to run. In panic mode. But Yoongi’s hand settles on his shoulder. It’s the same touch as always and just as gentle and kind as it was both this mourning and 6 years ago. Yoongi has always been a kind soul, regardless of every secret Jin's ever learned to love about him.

Letting himself be known in return feels a little bit more perilous. Jin’s heart thuds against his fingertips. He swallows hard.

Yoongi hums, agreeing with Jin’s assessment. He runs a hand gently through Jin’s hair. Tugging away loose a knot. “Holy shit indeed.”

Everything is fine. In the wake of the dead body, everything in the pack is absolutely fine.

(That’s a lie, everything is definitely not fine, everything is in fact- falling apart. Like a butterfly larva worming its way to crystalize. Carving its way towards both womb and tomb. Something that changes you or destroys you.)

Jin and Yoongi can only hope.

It’s only hope after all. How much damage can it really do?

~-~

Your unraveling starts with the Nightmares.

Tonight, it’s a dark tangle of half-forgotten moments. A movie with all of the scariest scenes copied and pasted. Bright punctures of feelings like blood dripping down your chin and the tang of it in your mouth. Geumjae’s scent in your nose as he shoves your mouth against his skin. All of it. Every unhappy memory that your psyche has locked away for later drags you down like the tide would drag a stone to a watery grave.

Until the moments condense like a figure rising through fog and you’re sitting in that house again. The one with the yellow brocade curtains pulled closed across the windows so that no one sees what happens inside.

You're sitting with Geumjae at the dining room table. The elaborate meal in front of you rises with steam and smells divine calling you like a moth to honey. The cutlery is polished so clean that you can see your reflection in it. A million dancing tiny versions of you stare back with vacant doll-like eyes.

You remember this meal; you remember what happened to you on this morning. The soreness between your legs reminds you of that horror. You remember how hard you worked after he left in the morning after leaving you in a bloody heap on the bathroom floor. You remember hoping that if you did everything you absolutely could to prepare this meal, He’d be satisfied and he wouldn’t hurt you again.

But avoiding rape is never quite so easy.

It was foolish to hope back then. Geumjae was a man of routine and he required your body every morning and evening without fail. But hoping is so hard to avoid, like an itch under your skin that demands biting nails, a furious sort of wanting. Hope is nothing more than a chain that drags you through the sludge when you think it might be your buoy.

In this nightmare, the other chairs at the table aren’t empty like they usually are. It’s not just you here.

He must have taken a needle and stitched your mouth shut (like he always threatened) because you feel powerless to scream at Namjoon to get away to stay back. You can do nothing more than watch as he leans over and says something to Geumjae that makes him smile. His smile makes him look like Yoongi; who sits at the head of the table and nurses a glass of wine while scowling.

Jin is on Namjoon's other side, hair combed back from his face in a way that makes Seokjin look absurdly pretty. The picture of delicate omega composure. Each of them eats like they haven't in days, shoveling food into their mouths like it’s their last meal.

Jungkook is by your side and asks if you’re going to eat your dinner roll. Puffy and crusty bread that he never would be able to eat in real life. You watch powerlessly as he scarfs it down like he hasn’t ever eaten anything more delicious. Licking his fingers from the crumbs when he finishes.

Tae is dressed in your jewels this time, not Jimin's. The necklace Geumjae gave you for your second anniversary digs into her collar bones as if it was pinned there. Like a butterfly on a piece of cardboard. Glittering with more diamonds than seem possible. Like one of those Instagram filters, every reflection mark turned glittery. Jimin’s suit is like something out of vogue.

One moment you’re looking at the perfectly edible food and the next you’re watching it rot before your very eyes. The meat greying and melting. The salad wilts gooey and spoiled. The fancy porcelain plates writhing with worms and maggots and creepy crawlies that slither out of nowhere. A spider inches its way up your fork.

No one notices. No one realizes that the bites they bring to their lips are poison. Jin licks his lips, the skin already greying and cracking.

Geumjae looks up at you from his plate, grinning all the while. Collar starched white. You haven’t heard his voice in so long but your mind remembers the exact cadence of it in perfect detail.

“What’s wrong princess? Aren’t you going to eat up?

When you look back at them it's already too late. Namjoon’s slumped in his chair staring blankly forward with bloody eyes. When you look Jin’s got his head half gone. Cut away. Wriggly things curl behind what's left of his eye.

Tae’s collarbones are bleeding where the diamond collar sits. Ribbons drip down her bodice. Jimin’s white shirt is slowly blooming red too. Bullet wounds pepper his chest. One on his shoulder and a cluster of them over his heart.

Jungkook slumps over his plate seizing until he’s still. Still the way that dolls are. Dead. Looking at you with wide vacant eyes that go grey with congealing blood.

Yoongi's hands are burning, fire licking up his clothes and he does nothing to put it out. Burning and bubbling and boiling. Skin peeling up like paint beneath the flames.

Hoseok is the only one not at the table.

Across from you, Geumjae smiles again. Baring his teeth in that animal way of his. “What’s wrong princess? I thought you said you loved them- aren’t you going to try and stop it?”

One moment he’s across the table and the next he’s leaning over you, back in that bedroom that was your hellhole less than a year ago. Pulling you by your hips to the end of the bed when you try to twist away. He fumbles with his belt buckle.

The sheets burn against your skin like its rug burn and although you weakly push at his chest. It feels like you're moving in slow motion. Your strength is nothing compared to his. It never was enough in real life anyway.

“No- no I don’t want- please don’t,” you choke. Trying to get him off of you, when he opens his mouth there are maggots there too.

You never did find out what they did with Geumjae’s body. But now you know as the rotting corpse of your dead husband assaults you. Boney hands grab your wrists as the worms drip out, dangle, and wriggle, falling onto your face and-

One of the terrible things about the big nest upstairs is that it’s really easy to get trapped in the middle with no easy way out.

Hobi finds himself in that position when he wakes. It’s the middle of the night, nearly 3 am probably when he’s roused by the familiar ache in his stomach that tells him he needs to pee.

The shades are pulled across the windows keeping the light out, and what little slips through is kept out by a thin curtain that sections off the nest from the rest of the room. Shielding the familiar lumps of packmates buried beneath the nest slumbering away.

It feels good to have all of you sleeping in one space, the instinctual pleasure flutters and builds on the edge of Hobi’s consciousness as he lifts his head. Barely opening his eyes. It feels homey in the way that Namjoon's rut nest hadn't. It's a true nest, Smelling thick and cakey sweet all of your scents drench it now after a few days of you all sleeping here. After finding the dead body, the decision had been unanimous. No more sleeping separately. No more splitting up between the upstairs nest and the remnants of yours downstairs.

Even though it's a new space some things never change. Jimin still sleeps at the edge near the bottom, guarding the nest from the most logical point of vulnerability. Although that might be because of last week.

The pack has made a few other adjustments in terms of safety since you and Hobi found the dead body. Many a moment has hobi walked into a room with Jin and Yoongi only to have them fall silent. But he doesn't have to ask what new precautions they've agreed upon.

They’ve fallen back into the habit of letting each other know when they get to work safely and when they leave, and when to expect them home (the same habit they had just after yoongi left actually) Phone locations are perpetually turned on just in case. But Hobi knows the only time any of them feel truly settled is when they’re all up here.

The nest is big. Big enough for all of you to sleep comfortably, even all sprawled out. But as thoughtful as Yoongi was when he constructed the space he certainly did not think about how hard it would be to leave for a midnight bathroom break given the walls that close in on three sides.

Now, Hobi is trapped and bound by blankets and fancy pillows and the gently sleeping bodies of his pack all around him. The border is high and fluffed. It’s in an alpha's nature to be careful around his packmates and it goes against something very basic in Hobi to even think about disturbing the carefully placed pillows and blankets, the general purposeful disarray of such a cozy nest. Alphas simply don’t fuck with omega nests.

But on the other hand, he’s seriously stuck.

Namjoon, Jimin, and Jin are at the bottom blocking off the most logical point of egress. Jin’s head rests on Jimin's shoulder, dark hair fanning. Yoongi is tangled up with Tae (her hair in these little puffy rollers). And Jungkook’s star fished and spread out by the top edge, right where Hobi was. His fingers rest under his shirt like he’s been rubbing at his stomach. Snoring softly.

Hobi’s heart swells just looking at them.

The only safe avenue of exit where Hobi won’t be climbing over two people is near the bottom left, close to Jin and Namjoon, where you lie on your side, cheek pillowed. Chest rising up and down a little rapidly in the darkness. It’s so dark that Hobi doesn’t see it at first.

Hobi’s so half-asleep that he doesn’t even realize right away that you’re not as undisturbed as the others. That you occasionally twitch like a puppy.

Hobi is no stranger to maneuvering his lithe body around sleeping packmates, muscles straining as he very gently pulls himself over you. Depressing the mattress by your side. His baggy sleep shirt momentarily brushes your face as he shifts over you.

Your reaction is instinctual, one moment asleep and the next awake. Your scent going sour all at once. Exploding in a rush. You push out with your arms, still in the nightmare.

One second Hobi’s on the bed the next he’s stumbling out of it, Barely keeping himself from falling face-first onto the floor. Bare feet slide on the polished wood when he gets them under him. Cursing out a brief “What the fuck?” looking back, ready to be angry at being shoved.

But then he sees that you're sitting up, trembling so hard that your hands can't grip the blanket to get it off of you. Eyes wide and glassy with panic. You blink and blink, lower lip wobbling.

There is a single moment where he just looks at you, but then you let out a small (and admittedly pathetic) chirp.

There is nothing like a chirp that tugs on an alpha’s hindbrain, that drags Hobi's instincts to the forefront like a hook in a fish's mouth. He's honestly surprised that the sound doesn't wake anyone else. Maybe because it's so quiet, so small.

It’s just a dream, just a very bad dream, and your pack is sleeping softly around you. The next thing you feel is Hobi gently crushing you to his chest. Smelling like caramel and boy. Tenderly whipping back your hair from your face. His warm fingertips press against your tender temples dislodging the last bit of you that can't tell if this is real yet.

“Pup? What’s wrong- what happened?"

Hobi looks about as different from Geumjae as anyone possibly could, his jaw slender where Geumjae was wide, eyes bright where his went dark and hooded. Unthreatening and normal brown in the glow.

But just like the dream, you can’t fucking speak.

“Fuck- it was just a dream, whatever it was- it’s not real- I’m-”

You’re shaking and crying and you can’t respond. Your throat is all tight. All of you that is usually happy and gentle is reduced small and scared and quiet. You can't tell where the shadows end and where reality begins. You can only feel his hands. That's the only thing that feels real beyond the terror.

You can't look around; you can't look around at the others- too scared that they'll be dead.

Thank God for the physical nature of Hobi’s job. Herking bags of soil and 30-gallon trees has honestly done him good because it means he can carry you downstairs with a little effort.

Real panic circles his head like a bunch of buzzards, threatening to pick his heart clean. "Hang on- here we go." He turns on each of the lights one by one by leaning into them. Shoulder hitting the plastic, the two of you safer with each click. "See- there isn't anything to be scared of! There's no one here but us."

Hobi is right, Hobi would never lie to you. This kitchen is not the same one from your nightmares. The blinds are blinds and not curtains, drawn to keep out the streetlights not any prying eyes. The old rickety table where the pack has their meals isn't piled with food at all. Only some tangerines in a wooden bowl in the center.

You’re small and shaky in an extra big shirt of Namjoon’s that pools on your thighs when he places you on gently the countertop with a small 'oof'. You're already a little more lucid, eyes darting from the light to the shadows and still trembling faintly. Hobi knows instantly from the stillness that you’re nonverbal. Mouth uncooperative. Your brain is a mix of misplaced adrenaline and cortisol. You smell terrified.

“It’s okay, it’s just a dream, here-” Hobi fills up a yellow plastic cup with water and tips it against your lips. The cold soothes your throat but not to the point that you can speak. You’re unwilling to detangle yourself from him. Real and warm and there now that you’ve got him. hand tangled in the front of his shirt, clinging to him.

He hums as he dabs a cold dishcloth across on your hot cheeks. “You’re okay- I’ve got you.” You lean into his hands, legs parted so that he can stand between them. You look so sad and so small that Hobi’s heart hurts.

You don’t want to speak, really don’t want to but you force yourself anyways. “Don’t remember them- usually- Or wake up in the middle- sorry- M' sorry.”

Your eyes itch, and your face feels all puffy as he continues to dab at it. The cloth is rough and Cold, but hobi's warm where his skin touches yours.

Alive and safe. you barely want to blink incase you miss it.

“Don’t apologize, it’s okay.” Hobi continues to dab at your cheeks, “You get them often?” You shake your head instead of responding and Hobi’s scent goes thick with upset, burning sugar ever so slightly smokey. You sniffle still sort of crying and Hobi does the only thing he can think of.

Maybe it’s just that he’s half asleep himself, or an expression of his alpha protectiveness. The ringing in his ears says protect packmate, provide for packmate, soothe.

Hobi’s scent gland brushes against yours with an electric zing. Pushing you from shaky to boneless nearly instantaneously. He drags his throat and chin across your left shoulder, and then your right.

it takes real effort for him to keep his palms pressed flat against the kitchen counter while he does it but at least it has the desired effect of banishing the last bit of sogginess from your cakey scent. Your instincts purr alphas here, alphas going to keep you safe, keep the shadows at bay.

Your scent goes sweeter and your half-asleep body goes mailable as you lean into him. Resting your cheek on his shoulder, Hobi huffs a soft laugh. It feels sort of nice, having you close like this. He knows how omega's get, Jungkook goes sleepy puppet soft when he's scent marked this close to sleep too.

Yoongi would want Hobi to do this right? Yoongi would want Hobi to comfort his mate. He’d do it himself if he was awake. Hobi’s just being a good packmate. Right?

The hair on the back of your neck stands on end as he pulls away. Is it just your imagination or is he a little reluctant?

A startled chirp bursts from your lips, and you clamp your hand back over your mouth. but hobi's laugh echoes loud off the high ceilings, "It's alright pup." You try to speak again but Hobi shushes you, there’s no need for you to push yourself. Not with him. Not right now.

The slant of the light across Hoseok’s face isn’t right. Too grey and yellow from the light in the hall. It’s too late for it to be morning yet and too dark for you to quiet your heartbeat. Hobi can feel it, jackrabbit fast against his throat.

If he's here, that means the nightmare really was only that. A nightmare. Hobi wouldn't be wrapped around you if the rest of the pack were dead. You don't need to go back upstairs and double-check.

Now if you could only stop crying.

“Here,” Hobi starts to pull away and you make a panicked sound, fingers tangling in his shirt. “I’m not going anywhere, let me just get my bag-” You shake while he’s gone, sitting on the countertop, stumbling when you get off of it, knees weak. Holding the edge until he comes and gets you with an arm under your shoulders, transferring you effortlessly to the couch.

When did Hobi get so good at this? You’d be inclined to think this was just another dream (one of those shameful ones that you don’t even mention to Yoongi) but you’re not sure you could have dreamed this up.

“Lights off or on?” You shiver so he goes one by one turning on the overhead lights and then the lamps, the ones under the cabinets in the kitchen too. There’s not a hint of shadow here, no monster that he couldn’t guard you from.

You can still see the light behind your eyes when you close them. Blinking slowly like a cat would. Hobi has his headphones in his hand, not his usual earbuds but the dilapidated black over-the-ear headphones with peeling stickers on the sides that have been his almost as long as Yoongi has (they might have been stolen from the record store- back when Yoongi's rebellious streak ran a little wider).

The second they go around your ears the world dampens and your heartbeat slows.

“I’ve got you.” Hobi mouths, reaching to pull your head to lie against his shoulder, the blue light flicker of his phone screen hurts your eyes as he scrolls through some songs and puts one on. It’s slow and soft, mostly instrumental except for faint vocals. You can’t hear what Hobi says but he pulls you to rest against his side. Settling.

He doesn’t make you talk about the nightmare. Doesn’t make you talk at all. You melt, pressing your face into his shoulder as hard as you can, your shaking relaxing with every word. Every soft hum. It’s working, your trembling is only skin-deep now. In a few minutes, you won't be shaking at all.

“Go to bed,” he asks, even though you can't hear him. Pillowed against him. The songs shift quietly. Your hand somehow gets under Hobi’s shirt and presses against the skin of his hip. Holding it softly so that he doesn’t go anywhere, it feels like a bit of a thank you.

You cling to him and he lets you. You probably can’t hear him but he still repeats, “I’ve got you.”

I’ve got you.

~-~

Yoongi’s never shot up faster in his life, leaving part of himself in the dream. He can feel the panic down the bond as he stumbles. The nest is too empty. Yoongi’s sleep-sluggish brain counts the number of bodies and he goes cold when he counts five and not seven. Pure shuddering terror bleeding down his back like he's just been doused with cold water.

Where are you? Where is Hobi? There is something wrong- something seriously wrong. Yoongi can feel it on the back of his tongue, the taste of your despair acidic. Once a familiar feeling, now lashing him like lightning.

Communicating directly through the mating mark isn’t something that happens often anymore for the two of you. It did when the bond was fresher, but now that it’s settled the connection has dulled. In the way that clothes go worn and comfortable. It’s not usually a stabbing pain like this. Such a visceral feeling that it wakes Yoongi up from it.

Yoongi stumbles to the door following your scent like a man possessed. The way it shifts from the nest. Panicked to not alone. Hobi’s panic too saturates the air. Yours is rainy wet and Hobi’s is burnt and over-sweet, faintly medicinal.

There are sounds on the stairs. Footsteps rouse Hobi just as he’s finally fallen asleep. His neck aches from how he’s been leaned back against the couch And he winces as it cracks.

“Hobi?” Yoongi calls cautiously. At his waist, your fingers tangle loosely in his shirt holding onto him like he’s a lighthouse in a storm, clinging to him even as you sleep. Hobi realizes he’s got a bit of your hair stuck to his lips. Spitting it out.

“Over here.“ Hobi’s jaw pops when he yawns. Yoongi stumbles to you because he can’t stay away when you’re like this. When you need him. You don’t rouse when Yoongi touches you, cupping your cheeks. Eyes feasting on the crusty salt around your eyes, the faint silvery shimmer of dried tear tracks across your cheeks.

“She had a nightmare- couldn’t sleep with the lights off so- thank god you're here I have to pee like so fucking bad-” Hobi says quietly.

Yoongi definitely does not eye the way that your hand stays loosely knotted in the front of his shirt, or note verbally the way that you smell like him. Drenched in hobi's scent and clinging to him.

“Daisy,” Yoongi says, sounding a bit surprised and alot in love, tucking his Hobi’s hair behind his ear. Standing over the two of you looking a little shaken. Yoongi is an expert at moving you softly detangling your hand from Hobi's shirt without waking you and freeing Hobi from his self-imposed prison.

He's still shaken when Hobi comes back from the bathroom. Hobi can’t blame him. You don’t really have the best track record when it comes to disappearing together. First the car crash last month, and now the dead body. It’s understandable why Yoongi’s panicked a bit.

But now he just looks at Hobi. Eyes scanning his face, a small smile beveling the edge of his lips.

“Stop looking at me like that,” Hobi says. The faint murmur of music is barely there, you're still asleep with his headphones on. Hobi had panic made a playlist on his phone after you’d fallen asleep. Putting only the most gentle instrumentals on it.

So what if he’d saved it with a cat emoji and a purple heart? Yoongi can’t possibly know that just by looking at him.

Yoongi doesn’t respond and Hobi tucks his chin, looking down at you, sleeping soundly still. The nightmare must have really tired you out because you're out like a light. His voice goes softer, like the emotion in his throat is constraining his vocal cords.

“What was I supposed to do? Let her panic? That wouldn’t have been kind.”

Yoongi's hand falls onto Hobi's head, rubbing through his hair. the touch feels like a reward. Hobi's not sure what for. “No- it wouldn’t have been Daisy.”

“Like it when you call me that,” Hobi says. Eyelashes flutter as yoongi scratched at the nape of his neck, head bowed. and he can hear the laugh in Yoongi’s voice. Hobi’s not really awake either.

“You don’t have to worry,” Hobi says “I’m not gonna like- freak out and run away if she needs something, like the first time.”

Hobi feels embarrassed about that when he thinks about it. Embarrassed and a little bit fond of the memory every time he sees the train ticket still in his wallet. The top edge is so chewed up that you can hardly tell it’s a ticket anymore.

“Sure,” Yoongi says and Hobi knows he hasn't fooled anyone, least of all your mate. hobi stands up properly, and when his hand falls, yoongi just tugs at his wrist, the callouses on his hands comfortably rough against hobi's skin. “Come on.”

You wake bleary for a handful of seconds when Yoongi puppets you, moving to sprawl out while Hobi discards the back cushions. Yoongi slips Hobi’s headphones off your ears and puts them safely to the side. wordless and publish while yoongi gets one of the blankets to tug it over your form.

Yoongi tuts and doesn't let hobi avoid the same predicament. although it's Infinitely more comfortable than his prior half-crunched position. If Yoongi’s being honest, it sort of looked like Hobi was guarding you. body curled over in a protective stance.

Alpha's are so funny.

Hobi ends up face-to-face with you. His flannel pj set un-buttoned to the middle tugged loose from your tugging earlier. the triangle of his bare chest presses against the bare skin of your collarbone as he shuffles away from the edge of the couch. Your own pj set pulled off one shoulder. Yoongi’s sitting up, his thigh warm against the top of Hobi’s head.

You’re running a fever maybe, worming your way closer to Hobi like you need it. Your nose presses into Hobi’s chest, a little cold at the tip and ticklish. Hobi squirms and Yoongi huffs. Overly fond.

“She does that to me in her sleep too sometimes. Means she likes your scent.” Hobi feels warm, and it’s no secret that his scent fluffs up sweeter, as if encouraging you to enjoy it. You re-settle. falling asleep with your nose tucked into Hobi's sternum.

Fuck you’re both so cute, your hair mixing colors on the pillow- sharing the same one because even being that far apart is too much. Hobi falls asleep with Yoongi combing gentle touches down his back. His favorite way to fall asleep- being touched so casually and consistently. You breathe against his skin, cradled to his chest. Sleeping soundly. Finally soothed.

Hobi watches you until sleep takes him.

~-~

Unfortunately, that’s not the last time you’re woken by a nightmare in the coming weeks

Over the next few days, it seems like more often than not Yoongi and Hobi wake to the scent of your terror in the air. Quieting your little sobs with soothing touches in the bathroom. Blankets are brought into the space so that you can curl up in the bathtub, darkness kept at bay by the overhead lights, its lingering shadow curling underneath the doorway trying to drag you down.

They don’t mind, at least they tell you they don’t mind when it eventually comes time to wake in the morning and your words are barely intact. Soft and rough in a way they haven’t been in months.

For you, it feels infuriating. Your non-verbalness might only be a temporary state but that doesn’t mean that overcoming it isn’t tiring. It’s frustrating. Working so hard each day to speak only to have it wrenched away again at night.

Always.

Always you wake up from your nightmares non-verbal. Guided to somewhere light by Hobi so that your fear of the dark won't rouse the rest of the pack. Soothed back to sleep by his music and some scenting. Waking up sometime after sunrise, struggling but better. A routine.

As for the pack…

“It feels like she’s going backward,” you hear Jin confess one morning while he brushes his teeth in the upstairs bathroom. he sounds afraid (he is afraid after waking up to you gone from the nest yet again for the 5th time this week- and it's only thursday). It's obvious Jin doesn't know you're within earshot but the double doors that lead to the bathroom are wide open.

Hobi sends you a fraught look. You’ve just come back upstairs after spending a few hours in the Living Room. You're only able to risk a few more hours of sleep because the sun is turning the sky all grey-blue.

“Do you think-” What he says next is jumbled by the sound of someone turning on the shower, Jungkook or jimin maybe (the upstairs shower is large enough that honestly- all eight of you might be able to fit given you where willing to risk any soap related injuries).

Namjoon’s answering hum is all dark thunder. jin's proposed solution a mystery. “No, I don’t think that would help.”

Sometimes it’s not just Hobi and Yoongi who wake up with you.

Sometimes it’s Jimin. Holding your shoulder with that firm touch looking like he’s about to snap his teeth at any incoming shadows. Sometimes you wake and he’s already sitting at the edge of the bed watching the stairs and the windows. Shirtless, legs splayed with his handgun balanced across his knees.

Or is it just your imagination? Is that just another dream because you certainly don’t see any weapons when he and Hobi pull you from the bed a few seconds later?

They take shifts. Jin and Namjoon blanket you on both sides, soft rumbles soothing you, their quiet banter a welcome melody in your private nest downstairs. Jungkook the next night- who admittedly just wraps his body around you and goes back to sleep so quick it makes you jealous, curled around your spine while you listen to Tae read you a late-night story.

Tae’s delicate murmur does all the character's voices just right. Her lips are both mystery and familiarity. She always seems to crack open the world with the first line.

“Look, I didn’t want to be a half-blood.”

They never make you speak; never treat you like they’re too tired even though you know they are. You can see it on their faces, on Hobi’s eyebags getting greyer by the day. Hobi’s the only one who's there every time a nightmare drags you awake. Even Yoongi doesn’t wake up every time.

(Although you confess it's more because you develop a routine. You and Hobi sleep by the side of the nesting nook, where it’s easy to get out without moving around too much. Close enough to each other that he often wakes smelling like you and you always wake smelling like him).

You try to talk with him about it. Guilt makes your heart feel all stuffy. Is it possible to get a heart cold?

“You know, you could just leave your headphones out-"

“No- don’t worry about it, I’ll just make it up later.”

Always. Always Hobi wakes and plops his headphones on your ears. Sometimes he seems awfully lively, grinning and cracking jokes when you burrow into his chest and wipe your tears on his shirt.

“I am like- among the top 10 worst sponges in history you know?”

Sometimes he wakes you from the nightmares before you’ve had the chance to jerk awake. He recognizes the tell-tale stillness, the quick breaths. He never lets you suffer for long. Waking you with a hand on your shoulder. Allowing you to shove him just a little because he knows you're just reacting to your dream and him bleeding together.

"It's just me- you're okay, I've got you."

Sometimes, you wonder if you’re not the only one who can’t sleep lately.

During the day you spend a lot of time in the nesting pod, catching up on sleep while it's still light outside. dreading the afternoons and evenings when the shadows linger like a looming storm. Alone and safe and quiet.

Occasionally you're joined by noodle, purring up against your stomach. Meowing at you until you lift your arm and he can cuddle close. Sometimes you feel like he knows you’re sadder than you say you are. That when the others aren’t there to watch you, you’re stiller, less mobile than normal. You don't even click away at your phone, half the time you forget to charge it anyway.

Hobi would never tell you- but a few afternoons ago he’d come home to Noodle waiting for him on the front step. He’d lead Hobi inside, little kitty face glaring back at him every few steps. Circling his curled form and yowling when he dared to take a second to take his shoes. off. Panicked and nervous, all but biting on his ankles before he led Hobi into the sunroom. His bushy tail held high.

There he’d meowed woefully at your nesting pod where you slept soundly. So loud that Hobi was worried it would wake you. As if he was trying to say “Aren’t you going to do something?”

Hobi had just quieted the cat with a soft shush and picked him up. Closing the door behind both of them. “Let her sleep nu,” he’d gotten nothing but a tearful meow in response. Some squirming, but no claws. “What do you expect me to do? I’m trying my hardest.”

Noodle keeps his secrets. Hobi’s question goes unanswered by the cat- who’d simply squirmed out of his hold and gone to wait by the door to be let back in. Glaring at Hobi’s retreating figure like he’d been betrayed.

Noodle seems to know something that the pack doesn't. He's sat in your lap during dinner and breakfast every single night this week, especially on the days you’ve slept more.

Hobi continues to try his hardest. He brings home flowers from the shop. He says they’re for Jin but puts them by the nesting pod and no one even bothers to tease him. He makes sure that you don’t fall out of the habit of going on late-night drives. Even though you don’t go back to the beach again quite yet. The memories there are too prescient.

Hobi takes you to the winding mountain road again. Drag racing one night with Jimin, because what good is trying to squeeze in a few hours of sleep before sunrise when you’ll just wake anyway? You might as do something fun until you’d wake up normally.

You leave that night a little more wobbly-legged than Hobi will admit to Namjoon when he asks later. "I'm never getting into a car with you again Minnie- what the fuck."

But sometimes the alphas do use the sunroom when you’re there.

It’s kind of nice to hear them on the other edge of your senses. When you’re dozing and Tae and Jimin want to play video games. their shouts of happiness and false outrage better than their screams of terror.

When Hobi and Jungkook want to do some stretching before they take an afternoon run, their giggles push out the memories of cruel words that ring in your ears. Yoga mats all stretched out and noodle perched on the edge of Hobi's multicolored one. Watching you, tail flicking back and forth.

They'll never know how much they help just by being there.

Or when they work on rearranging Hobi’s plants around. Fitting them into different spots like a jigsaw puzzle and moving them from room to room. He doesn’t mean to be indecisive about it, he’s just trying to find the best home for each of them.

They take the big banana tree upstairs to put it in the nesting room because that honestly has really good light and Hobi’s baby can’t be compromised. They move the monstera there too and switch the string of pearls for three big ferns hanging above your nesting nook. Shifting A big fig tree that honestly looks kinda pretty from the entryway to the corner, hanging part of the way over the small sectional.

A leggy orchid that someone bought Namjoon as a “thank you for not letting me go braindead” present is the wimpiest and smallest of the bunch. Hobi's in the process of rehabilitating it. For now, it sits on the window sill growing a single pathetic leaf.

Hobi tries to spend a lot of time nearby when you’re trying to sleep, he always seems to show up when you're having the hardest time ignoring your thoughts.

They're getting tired of you being a goddamn mess every time. Why can't you just get better? It's pathetic, Hobi is fine. Why are making such a big deal over this? But deep down you know it's not just the dead body that caused all of this.

Things are slow at the flower shop in the fall with only the occasional wedding until the Christmas season starts up. Hobi talks to you about it while he waters his plants and trims up some leaves that are dying. He’s definitely not looking forward to making bows for the whole month of December and wrestling with wreaths. He’d much rather talk to you about his ferns. The big stag leaf one that’s in the corner by the tv. And the big fluffy ones that hang above the nesting pod.

“I know they're messy but If I overwinter them we can hang them back on the porch next year, They looked so nice!”

You hum from the pod, turning your cheek to look up at him. he's got his flannel rolled up to his elbows, a shirt underneath that looks homey and warm. Hobi’s scent grows sweet. “They did look really cool this year, kind of like big green soot sprites.”

“We should watch spirited away again.”

“We should.”

You stretch out in the nesting pod while he fiddles with one of the fronds, pulling off the dead leaves with a crumple. You stretch your curled-up legs, toes brushing the ratan sides of the pod.

“If I was a plant where would you put me?”

“Probably where it’s sunniest.”

You can hear his smile on the words, you hum and go back to sleep while he works. Hobi checks your breathing every few minutes, just to make sure you don’t need to be woken up again.

Hobi never talks about the nightmares and never asks what they’re about. Which is something you’re thankful for as the days go on and they get worse and worse. You don’t know how many more nights you can wake up gasping without telling them what you're dreaming about. That it's the idea of them dying that has you so panicked. not to mention the nightly revision of the worst parts of your abuse.

Yoongi doesn't always let you escape without a bit of interrogation. Badgering you until you tell him that he needs to stop.

Jin’s just as bad, constantly hovering. You found your sleep schedule, an estimated hours of sleep you’ve gotten scrawled on the edge of a newspaper in Namjoon's handwriting. He's a little generous with his calculation- You know you haven't slept 13 hours in the last 4 days. You’d crumpled up the page and thrown it in the garbage.

In the morning you find out their motive behind it. Blinking down at your cereal and at the red raspberries bobbing in the milk. You can't help but get defensive about this; because really when you go non-verbal so often about this- what good would talking do?

“Jin, I’m not going to therapy.”

Jin looks a little bit less like his usually put-together form, button-up shirt a little looser than it might have been a few weeks back. Yoongi rubs down his shoulders as he passes. Work has been keeping Jin later and later- anytime someone asks he says something about a problem child at the home for forgotten pups that needs Jin's full attention.

It's so very like him to suggest therapy.

He pulls his fingers through his hair, trying to comb it into something orderly. Abandoning his usual routine of gel and mouse. “I’m not saying you have to go consistently- just once or twice, you went through something-“ he breaks off when Yoongi taps his hip, shaking his head.

You’re twisting your hands over your lap, again and again. But the word lands even though it was unsaid. Whereas before you and Hobi had a smart retort- now- the word feels less hollow, more heavy.

And Jin's not just talking about the body.

Jin doesn’t want to be frank, but you don’t look the best. Maybe it’s because you’d been so steadily getting better that they hardly remembered what sadness looks like on you. But now it looks like this; you sitting at the island counter, looking at your food, too nauseous to eat. Actually worried you're going to vomit if you try.

Any other morning, Jin would sit by you and coach you through it, would sit and wait for you and move you somewhere safe, somewhere softer to prod. He'd chase this worry with gentle touches. maybe he'd give you a gentle settling if you were feeling like you needed to reach that happy hazy head space to eat.

Any other morning Jin wouldn’t leave you.

But this morning, the clock says that Jin has exactly 20 minutes before he has to leave for work or else he’ll be late and miss the debriefing on the latest string of murders and drug-related reports. including a very well worded anonymous tip. it's important that jin's there for that.

It’s not enough time to drag you to some corner of the house and scent you happy. Or better- scruff you down into omegaspace where you’d be mailable and more agreeable under his touch.

Yoongi's eyes say, go I've got this, and Jin has never been more thankful for lovely enemies and a partner in crime.

But Jin simply does not have enough time to love you as he should. If Jin has to choose between making you feel loved and making you more physically safe he'll choose the latter every single time.

Baby steps. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and criminal empires won’t fall that quickly either.

“They’ll go away, I know they’ll go away because they did last time,” you reaffirm, only half believing it. You and Yoongi don’t talk about when you first moved into this house, but the truth is these nightmares aren’t really anything new for either of you.

At least this time they don’t come with you hurling your guts up every night. At least this time your words return in the middle of the day. At least you feel somewhat human right now.

Jin sends a fraught look in Hoseok ’s direction. Clearly requesting backup. He holds his hands up, straw in his mouth and ice coffee in his hand. “I’ll go if she goes.” Is all he says backing away. Clearly not ready to take Jin’s side with this. Late for work himself.

Jin almost misses when you guys were adversarial, rather than banded together as a unified front.

I never expected the pups to unionize

He sends Namjoon in a text a few hours later, After no less than 3 separate meetings that have him feeling more than a little tired himself.

Joonie (1:18): Really? I’d thought you would have been ready, no plans to destabilize the monarchy up your sleeve?

Jin can’t stop his smile, he’s conscious of who might be watching, so he hides it with his palm. Flirting on the FBI’s time has never felt so good.

What would you recommend?

Joonie (1:23): Spanking and sweets probably.

That at least had made Jin feel a little bit more at ease. But he knows what Namjoon really means, that he’s saying they should talk about this later face to face. Or worse there isn’t an easy solution. Namjoon had warned him that a request for therapy, however gentle and well-worded it was, might not go over well.

But what else can you do when someone won’t accept your concern? When love falls short? For the first time ever Jin is unsure what you need.

Over the next few weeks, you can tell that they’re being overly gentle with you. Treating you with velvet gloves.

Namjoon barks an order at Jungkook and Hobi when they rough house too close to you. jostling you where you stand unsteady in the bathroom. Tae lets loose a sleepy growl when Jungkook back hugs you one morning- something ordinarily innocuous but now makes you flinch hard. hand pressed over your heart to stop its thundering. Both times Jungkook tucks his tail smelling sour at being scolded even though it's really not his fault.

Everyone's instincts are running on high. Your scent is so off these days. Something about it muted and only getting duller. Jin didn't realize until the other day when he tried to find a pillow that smelled like you while nesting and couldn't.

The head of the FBI's largest organized crime task force, brought to sniffles over not being able to find the right pillow. What would Jin's enemies think?

Yoongi had only sighed, and relinquished his shirt to Jin's nesting. At least that was the next best thing.

but it's not only the little things that they're holding off from; it's sex too. You can clearly tell that they want to instigate something when you come upstairs one night after spending a few minutes with Tae in the library room.

Jungkook sat's tight across Namjoon’s lap. Moving his hips in a way that's sensual clinging to the pack alphas bare chest and licking into his mouth like an omega starved.

You know what they want to do- christen the nest in a way, truly break it in and make it smell like the pack.

But they'd stilled at your appearance and you'd made yourself scarce, clearly not ready to be asked to stay (or scarier- asked to leave). When you'd come back after showering the room had smelled of sour unhappy arousal and Jungkook had been pouting on the other side of the nest from Jin and Namjoon.

You hadn't heard the whispered argument. "You're treating her the exact same way you treated me when my seizures went bad."

"That was a different circumstance Koo and you know it."

"Still- it doesn't change the fact that you're making the decision for her instead of making a place that's safe enough for her to decide what she wants."

The idea that Jungkook and the others are holding off for your sake has you feeling even more guilty.

Even Tae- once insatiable, now hardly lifts her head from her computer when you walk into the library room wearing next to nothing. You know it’s just that. Just busyness that she's been spending every available second writing her new story.

But you can’t help but feel odd about it. Half guilty and half extra. Unwelcome.

Neglected isn’t the right word. Neglected is the word that Hobi would use for his orchid or the cactus that he accidentally forgot about outside. Two plants that are equally as finicky, opposites but maybe not in terms of difficulty. One praised for being beautiful, the other coveted for being hard to take care of.

It feels like that a lot of the time, that you're just hard to take care of. you're an adult you shouldn't even need to be taken care of at all.

That night- you toss and turn in the bed. Unable to sleep because you can't help but think about it, your thoughts a rushing torrent of you're such a bother. Maybe they're just trying to let you down easily. Maybe all of the love is a lie. You should try harder, if you try harder to overcome this then maybe they won't ask you to leave.

Sadness has rotted your brain a little, you don't know how to get back, how to stop the spiral. Until your hands are so tight that your nails dig into your palms. Leaving bloody little crescents.

The next day you try to catch up on sleep. In the nesting pod. A dark spot. Out of sight and out of mind, where all broken things go when it's clear they can't be fixed in a way that makes them useful. But it feels like you've only slept a few minutes when you're roused- not from a nightmare, but because someone gets into your nesting pod with you.

You smile in your sleep at the scent of honey, rich and golden. So nice and sweet that it makes you get goosebumps. Jungkook noses at them, dragging his cheek along the hair on your arms, soft and pleasant in that sensory sort of way.

Even though the nesting pod was a gift from Namjoon you'd been clear to Jungkook and Jin that they could use it whenever they wanted to. They're always a little bit more inclined to nest upstairs.

You sleepily hold out your arms for Jungkook, only cracking your eyes a little. You're not prepared for the sight of him in a crop top. blinking as you register it. Your pulse climbing higher. Jungkook doesn't say anything, doesn't say anything at all as he pulls his body along yours, settling mostly on top of you. quiet until you query "Kookie?"

He smells a little like the gym, but more like he'd showered there and then come home. You don't remember what day it is, what his schedule was. But the house is quiet around you, it must be one of his early days then?

His nose rubs smooth little circles along your neck, and when you pull back his eyes are a little glassy. "I miss you," he says, voice cracking a tiny bit. You don't have to ask why he misses you when you're right here. You know and your heart clenches painfully.

you laugh, "you just saw me this morning." but his lower lip wobbles, and you know thats not what he meant. it's frightfully easy to knot your fingers in his hair and pull him down to eye level. "c'm here."

You can tell by the way that Jungkook kisses you that he wants you, his arousal burning skin deep as his tongue laves against your lower lip and his hand slides down your chin to cup your scent gland, fingers pressing over the sensitive skin delicately.

You're so fucking tired.

Jungkook’s sex drive is honestly the highest in the pack, and you know that they usually keep him well tended to. But you also know that because of your predicament, no one’s tended to his needs in the last few days. You can smell it on the edge of his scent. Sweet but overly sweet, like a hovering cloud of settling perfume, unable to settle. Just getting stronger.

It’s not your job, and it shouldn’t be anyone’s job per se, but the idea of turning him down is so displeasing that you won’t even if you’re not really in the mood right now. You're so fucking tired. There isn't room for anything else. you don't have the energy to want this, you don't have the energy to want anything but sleep.

You kiss back, a little gentler than he wants, the soft needy noise he makes against the seam of your mouth tells you just how welcome it is. Your arms are sluggish as they go around his shoulders. He grins happy, and you grin too- because Jungkook’s joy is honestly so infectious. You let him tug you up, tug you out of the nesting pod even though your heart lurches.

This is your use to the pack, isn't it? The youngest omega, the lowest one in the hierarchy. You shouldn't say no and deny Jungkook what he wants. This is the way that he feels free, the way that he makes himself better.

After the pack's sleeping quarters had changed, there’d been a whole debate over where exactly to put the pack's sex toy collection and what to do with their old bedroom on the first floor. The side closet is no longer big enough or in use.

Installing some shelves in the bedroom had been the easiest solution. now they frame either side of the windows, holding Tae's overspill of books at the top and a few display cases. You remember the first day you'd wandered in here in search of your mate and found some suspicious-looking brackets installed along the ceiling studs, sawdust piles sweeper up on the floor.

“It’s totally not a sex dungeon.”

“Babe, you’re making a display for Jungkook’s dildo collection with a built-in sex bench.” At least you can still tease your mate when you're sad like this. Every little semi-normal comment you make feels like seeing the sun during a break from the storm. Even Yoongi's pout is half a smile.

“Just because I want there to be a bench doesn’t mean It’s a sex bench. It could be for like- watching tiktok and stuff. You know Hobi likes to find a spot where he won't bother us.”

“It’s totally a sex bench.”

“Is not.”

Yoongi is too fun to rile up. You'd watched him blush as you and Jungkook had playfully grabbed and swung on the ropes Yoongi was hanging, the heavy thick cotton ones soft to the touch that won’t irritate his loves sensitive skin. testing out the brackets meant for suspension.

Jungkook’s just as giggly and happy when he drags you there now, and your smile is very real pressed to his shoulder. The farthest thing from fake. it might be the first time you've smiled today. Jungkook always makes you feel this way; a little younger, a little bit like you’re sneaking around. That at least feels right.

You're very good at concentrating on the parts of sex that feel good, the parts that you want and not the ones that you don't.

(This morning the others had talked about it with Jungkook. Jimin and Tae had cuddled close to brainstorm. The way they often talk about sex things and pack things. Jimin's snorted honesty still stings.

"I don't know if Yoongi could literally fuck the sadness out of her, but at least it's a suggestion."

Jungkook had felt petulant and whiney, "But why doesn't he just try- if anyone's got a magic just right dick it's him-" Tae had chased Jungkook's disappointment with a kiss.

The truth is; the pack is mostly at a loss with how to help you this time. The most they can do is just stay close and make sure you have everything you need. But lately, not even that has felt like enough. Tae had scrapped her nails down Jungkook's abs, soothing him, with a bit of tingly pain pleasure.

"You're the only one whose bad mood can literally be cured with a good fuck bunny.”)

Yes, Jungkook is trying to make you feel lighter in the only way he knows how right now. But there are different medicines for different hurts for a reason.

Jungkook guides you down to the sex bench, tugging at your shirt a little. Still kissing you. Up close you realize it's actually more of a daybed, styled very attractively with a few throw pillows. One that's more memory foam and sturdy for propping bodies up.

It's no secret how sweet turned on happy Jungkook smells from just a little kissing, just the bare minimum. Jungkook moans- a crocked needy sound, scent pulsing richer in the air. He squirms a little bit, reaching over to one of those shelves. Rummaging in one of the frosted acrylic buckets.

“I’ve had this idea for weeks now that you've taken Joonie’s- fuck- I just- I didn’t know when you’d want to try it but I saw this video online with two omegas and Jin said no but- ha! Here it is!”

You gulp.

The big purple thing is a veritable monster, glittery and double-ended, ridged not like a regular dildo but more like a tentacle. It's about as thick around as your wrist. Namjoon’s a little thicker but still-

it makes fear trickle down your spine, warm and almost bleeding.

Jungkook reads your expression. And the disappointment crests his cheeks, his bunny smile falls, and you feel like you’ve failed already.

At the thought of being filled right now. You feel like you might want to vomit. You try not to have any sort of expression, just a small smile- but fall abysmally short. You’re too tired, too sore, too tight to properly enjoy that.

The idea that your sadness is enough to get in the way of this, what Jungkook so clearly needs is suddenly too much for you to bare. Jungkook needs sex, doesn't he? He needs it to make the seizures feel not quite so damning. He'd told you once- how much he required sex to feel loved. It's his love language right? Isn't this what people always say when they want physical touch?

Who are you to say that your needs are more important than his? You certainly do not love yourself as much as you love him.

Jungkook’s frown is heartbreaking and you easily kiss it away. Making your kisses more eager. You’re a good kisser and a good actor. Your kisses make Jungkook feel all fluttery and hot in the chest, quickly forgetting about the dildo and whatever plans he might have had.

"Just want you- don't want-" words get in the way of kissing, sucking, you mouth at Jungkook's lower lip, making him groan.

Jungkook’s scent gland is a semi-swollen little lump under your teeth as you nibble on it, making him part his legs, grinding up into nothing and letting out a breathless whine. You set yourself across his lap and his big hands quickly fist on your waist pulling you snugly.

You don’t mind this, you really don’t.

It's too routine for you, the first thing that you reach for to avoid saying no. His belt buckle is warm against your palm as you shift so that you can slide to the floor. Pulling your body away from him. he lets out a needy bereft sound. stopping you as you start to tugg at his waistband.

his cheeks are pink, lips red from kisses when you pull back. "I-"

"Let me kiss you here Koo." Let me at least do something. Let me stop feeling so guilty, I know how to fix the guilt even if you don't.

Jungkook catches your chin before you sink to the floor. Jungkook has a hickey on his abs glimmering there just along his hipline. The crop top pulled up to right under his pectorals in a way you know would have the alphas growling and mouthing at his stomach. That's probably how he got the hickey in the first place.

“But you don’t like it.” He says, not quite understanding. Catching your hand as you slide it across his knee.

“I want to try.” You lie, "I-I feel like I’ve lost practice, need to be taught how-” You bat your eyes, looking down and away like you're embarrassed. Just let me do this and make you cum. Just let me get this over with so that we can go back to cuddling and I can feel safer. Jungkook always gets especially cuddly after he's cum too. “I don’t- I don’t do it for the alphas like at all." Your stuttering isn't all faked. You’ve lost practice in a lot of things, but lying clearly isn’t one of them.

“Or Yoongi” Jungkook notes. A little too quickly.

Your heart pulses, Bruised a bit at that. You've never explicitly discussed the abuse you underwent with anyone but Yoongi and Namjoon. You didn't think anyone really noticed how much you don't like giving blowjobs. It's not that you don't want to reciprocate or touch- it's just that once with Geumjae, the choice to reciprocate was taken away from you. The choice to get anything at all was always taken away. It's hard to forget that, to want it again.

You remember his words. He'd always been violent with words before he'd ever gotten violent physically with you. Coercion doesn't feel like it has the same weight compared to that (Hobi would probably argue with you- but his case was different wasn't it?)

"You're so fucking selfish, you could help me in like- 10 minutes but you're choosing not too. We could go back to having a normal fucking evening. I do so much for you and even now when I can't fucking sleep you won't just do this one fucking thing- it's not like I'm asking for much. You're too young, I should have known you wouldn't know how normal relationships function."

It's foolish of you to think that you could be selfish forever. You should get used to this with Jungkook so that it's not so bad with the others later. In case they ever realize how selfish you've been.

“Yeah,” you swallow back a lump in your throat. “But can I? I want to-” You make your eyes wide, biting your tongue hard so that your scent doesn’t go sour.

Jungkook looks like he’s warring with himself for a second but then the hornyness wins out. He pulls his pants down his thighs and you help him, big and muscular as he stands, you on the floor before him. It feels right in a twisted way. See I know my place, see I'm not trying to get away with anything.

Jungkook almost trips when he moves to get a pillow for your knees because he’s not a monster. Namjoon and Jin have taught him well.

Jungkook is not a monster.

If you said no, if you said that you wanted to stop you know he wouldn’t hold it against you. At least not at first, at least not this time. After the 4th or 5th or 10th attempt you know that wouldn't be the case.

Jungkook doesn't even have large enough of a cock for it to feel like a real blowjob. His bunny eyes are wide and eager as you give it a first little kiss. Tentative. You kiss the head again, focusing, dragging your lips up the sides and nuzzling into the skin of his hip, indulging in his scent because at least Jungkook smells nice, smells clean, before you take him into your mouth

Geumjae always smelled a bit like piss. Tasted like it too. At least Jungkook's not like that.

He can be forgiven maybe, for not noticing right away. For not asking if you want this twice. A muted curse falls from his lips instead and he carefully cradles your head. A little startled.

"Fuck- ah-" The muscles of his abdomen tense beneath your touch, startled by the sudden influx of pleasure and the wet tight hot heat of your mouth. "I don't think you need any practice- fuck-"

Omega cock tastes less bitter than alpha cock does. And Jungkook’s dick is honestly so small you can’t even choke on it properly. He doesn’t hit the back of your throat when he rocks it into your mouth. Eking pleasure from the tight seam of your lips.

He doesn’t even hit the back of your throat or engage your gag reflex. So, you wonder why your eyes start watering. One of his hands fists (albeit a little bit too sloppy to be totally gentle) in your hair, using it to keep you stationary while he fucks your mouth. Little rolls of his hips that end in cute, "ah-ah-ah" sounds leaving his lips.

Good, you're doing good. Your nose is buried in his skin. With the little tuft of hair there, Jungkook must have showered at the gym because it doesn't smell like anything. Just breathe.

You know Jungkook doesn't get stimulation to his cock often. The others much prefer to fuck his hole rather than pay attention to it and that works in your favor now because Jungkook's so sensitive. You feel his cock jerk a little, tensing as his abdomen does, flexing up against the pallet of your mouth. Especially when your tongue teases at the head. Finding the ridge of his frenulum and pressing up.

Your lungs sting but you keep your tongue flat, lapping up at the underside, keeping your mouth wet and messy and not swallowing yet. Jungkook's precum tastes a little salty, not as salty as alpha cum would taste like but still not bad. Just a little bit like sweat and a little bit like honey.

Jungkook looks down at you, sweaty hair sticking to his forehead his lips falling slack in pleasure. Hips twitching up, looking debauched and lovely from it already. Pride swells, even as you have to fight back the urge to gag. Quieting the revulsion in your stomach through force of will alone.

You can do this, you don't have to make a big deal over it-

Jungkook tips his head back, closing his eyes, and you're free to shudder unwatched. "Fuck- just like that- you're so good at it, fuck-" You wonder if you get this same wide-eyed subspace look when you’re sad if that’s why he doesn't notice. Your knees burn, hands tighten. One on his hips the other digging into your thigh.

You hear someone outside in the hall and before you have the chance to even think about pulling off they're opening the door. Jimin almost trips, Clearly not expecting to see you on your knees or Jungkook with his legs splayed and shirt rucked up to show his tummy.

You pop off Jungkook’s cock easily, jaw aching already (you really are out of practice) Jimin’s look is all predatory, alpha pheromones bubbling up. One second startled, the next prowling in your direction like a jungle cat.

“Ah pups, getting into trouble? Pups having a treat?”

Jungkook giggles, spreading his knees wider, fingers stroking down your cheek as you catch your breath. Wiping the spit from your lips. “We’re not done yet,” he huffs. You blink up at Jimin and the touch he drops on your head is everything. Soothing your frantic panting. You push up into it, eager for a casually loving touch.

"Wanna make some trouble with us?"

“maybe, think i'd much rather watch" He teases, jutting his chin at Jungkook and settling down next to him, leaning on his chin to watch you as you're urged back to it. You kiss Jungkook's cock again as the alpha guides him into a kiss. Settling his happy-turned-on pheromones into a thick bubble that bursts.

You lap at Jungkook’s cock head, making it messy. Watching the two of them get distracted by kissing, licking into each other’s mouths. Jungkook's hand falls from your hair in favor of cupping Jimin's thigh.

And you below them, an afterthought.

You ignore the longing in your chest and go back to sucking Jungkook off. After a minute or two, Jimin's hand returns to your head, his knuckles rub against your cheek in lazy circles.

It would feel loving any other time but not right now. Not when you're trying to ignore the voice that whispers in the back of your mind that this is all you're good for. On your knees, mouth open. Finally useful. Finally worth the bother of loving. A voice that doesn’t come from any of them but sounds suspiciously like Geumjae's occupying your thoughts.

Jimin's hands are on your head too, rubbing against your cheek. Wiping away a little bit of spit on the corner of your lips. He clearly thinks you're deep in omegaspace. Interpreting your quiet softness for that sweetness and not this devastation. there is always a moment of quiet before a disaster, an intake of breath where everyone braces for impact.

“My good little princess, making your packmate happy, look at you pup,” Jimin croons. Clearly enjoying the pretty picture that you and Jungkook paint.

If anything, it's hearing that old pet name that makes you break. You're fine until you're not.

You're just so tired.

There is wetness on your face and it’s not spit or slobber or cum just tears. Little sniffles. your first one goes un-noticed by them, but not the second or the third. Jungkook freezes. And suddenly the fingers on your cheeks aren’t pulling you closer to Jungkook’s hips but off. Tilting your face. Jimin's hands quickly push Jungkooks away.

Jimin has stoney eyes, his mouth hard and discerning, lips parting. “Pup?” Jungkook’s already got his hand on your arm bunny eyes the soft opposite to Jimin’s. Jimin effortlessly transfers you from the floor to the couch. "Oh pup."

You wipe at your tears stubbornly. “Just one second, just give me a second and then I can keep going I promise, I’m fine- I’m fine” you keep repeating it, keep saying it but you smell so sour-sad. Your pout wobbles hot tears welling up threatening to spill over renewed.

But in what world would they ever let you cry during sex without pre-negotiating? In what world would they let you cry without comforting you?

“I don’t even know why I’m crying but I can't stop-”

No sooner have the words slipped past your lips are they pulling you up from the floor and into their laps, manhandled and small. You fight it a little. but Jimin crushes you to his chest and you sag. t

Jungkook has never gotten less turned on quicker, a packmate's distress takes so much precedence over this. Pulling up his pants. His pleasure isn't even a thought in the back of his mind. You take precedent.

Jungkook thought you knew that.

He feels helpless, helpless as you scrub angrily at your mouth, he uses his sweatshirt sleeve to wipe the saliva and spit from your mouth, then your tears from your cheeks. "Oh fuck- I'm so sorry- fuck I-"

And oh, you're crying into Jimin's chest now, real tears. Sobbing harder.

Jimin glances up and for a second he looks a little angry. He has every right to be angry at Jungkook for this. He's barely been here for like, a minute and a half. But the anger isn't welcome, you're too close to Jimin's scent gland, flinching when he starts to smell sour. Pulling back, so so so terrified, quivering in his lap.

"I'm sorry alpha, just give me a second and I'll get to you too-"

Now Jimin's angry for a whole new reason, angry at people he can't punish, people who are already dead. Jimin feels his anger in his hands. Struggling to stay gentle on you.

Oh fuck that.

Jimin’s fingers pinch at the back of your neck, scruffing you until your scent mellows out a little. "None of that now." He snaps, sharp shifting from concerned packmate to commanding dom effortlessly. "You'll do no such thing. You're going to stay right here until I tell you I'm done holding you."

Jimin's firmness is exactly what you need. You feel his power in his arms, crushing you, restraining you. Jungkook is not a dom, and that has never been clearer than right now. if he was than you would have never gotten into this predicament. "Can't you be good and do what Alpha asks?"

"Yes Alpha" you sob.

Jungkook looks at you guilty, eyes swimming with tears too. He's always been a sympathetic crier but he doesn’t let them spill. Even if Jimin spies them. His lower lip wobbles as he looks at you. Reaching out to hold you too and then snatching his hands back at the last second. If Jimin's touch is your remedy then Jungkook's is surely poison. “Why didn’t you-”

“I just- I just didn’t want to be bad.” You know what they’re about to say, that saying no wouldn’t have been bad but your brain is all terrified of it.

“M’sorry” Jungkook wants to say that there’s nothing you’ve got to apologize for that it’s him that should, but it’s difficult. It’s so difficult when you’re crying so hard it kinda feels like you might pass out. hyperventilating a little. He can do little more than loop his arms around Jimin's waist and trap you between the two of them, sandwiching you. Applying pressure. Holding you tight. In a way that has you instantly plummeting. Down past subspace, past omegaspace, where everything is dark and bland and nothing. Where you're nothing.

“M’sorry Koo-” He doesn’t trust his wobbly voice to speak as you sob out, “Don’t tell them, don’t tell Namjoon and Jin or Yoongi please- don't want them to worry. It’s not Koo's fault it's mine. I’m fine. m' just feeling off. I’ll be better alpha I promise.”

Luckily there is no one home. No one is home to hear any of this. Jimin has always been perilously unable to deny his girls their silly wishes. And if the idea of Namjoon or Jin knowing has you panicking anew then Jimin will take this secret to the grave.

Jimin soothes you with a happy alpha rumble, feeling exactly the opposite- wishing there was Namjoon or Jin to call for backup. This is clearly not normal crying. Jungkook surely couldn't have put you into subspace but somehow you're dropping. Leaning in to every word that graces Jimin's lips like you need the absolution he brings.

“But you’re already so good for us pup- already so good for saying no even though it was hard. Here. Lie out so we can hold you. Here.” It's what you wanted from the beginning someone close by enough to touch enough to cuddle.

Only this time it feels even less like you deserve it.

You make yourself as small as you can. Jungkook and Jimin alternate, kissing off your cheeks. Until you stop crying and fall asleep. Crying yourself back to sleep. You really were just sleep-deprived.

Jimin's got one arm around your waist, another cradling the back of your head. And only once he's absolutely sure that you are completely asleep does he hiss over the top of your head.

"Jungkook What the hell-"

"I asked, you know I asked. She said she was okay I swear-"

A whispered argument ensues, drawn out until the others come home. Their anger quieting at the sound of them, Yoongi softly calls your name. Mindful of the fact you could be sleeping.

When you wake up around dinner time you're non-verbal and pupish. There are too many people around for Jungkook to be able to pull you to the side and ask, to just talk this out. He watches you close at dinner, watches and waits for a chance to talk to you that won't come. You'll pretend you're asleep tomorrow when he wakes, just to avoid it for a little while longer.

If the others notice anything strange with you at dinner time no one broaches it. Of course, you don't speak at all. Answering their questions with shaken heads and careful nuzzles under Tae’s chin where you sit side by side with her. Your chairs pulled together so that they’re more of a bench. She smells so good- so Rosey that you press your face into her shoulder to avoid the other's eyes.

Never mind the fact that you don't smell like anything at all. Maybe you're dissociating too bad to smell like anything. So disconnected from your emotions that you can't feel them let alone smell like them.

After dinner you take an extra long in the shower so that by the time you exit the bathroom Jin has already scruffed Jungkook sleepy. He looks cute too. Pouting in his sleep, restless.

There's an extra soft nesting space carved out just beside him that he made special for you with a few pillows and his favorite nesting things. It will go unused.

That night, you don't bother trying to sleep.

~-~

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Upstairs floor plan:

Chapter playlist:

Noah Kahan - Call your mom

Coldplay - Sparks

nick cave and the bad seeds - O' children

Pine Grove- Need too

[thelargefrye]

Hi! ~ What do you think how ateez reacts watching EXILE HER kissing/bed scene in her first ever acting project 🤭😂

ATEEZ REACTS TO YOUR KISSING SCENE IN A DRAMA ... reaction ( 18+ )

pairing : idol!ateez x idol!f!reader

genre : bullet-point style, reaction, exile her au, idol au, comedy, fluff, kind of spicy (but nothing really happens, just implied)

word count : 2k

warnings : some language, mentions of making-out / intimate scenes / fake blood (these are all alluded to in the drama)

note : tried to keep the members all at the same length lol. also, i made this her second acting project which i will make a post about at a later date, so just a heads up lol

honorary tag : @sanjoongie

context on drama: it trended on different platforms for being a number of reasons but one of them is because of the intimate scenes that are in it between you and your co-star, park jihoon. this is ateez's reactions when they watch it and see all those different scenes.

HONGJOONG

hongjoong was caught off-guard immediately with the first scene in the FIRST episode

man was SHOOK with how you and your co-star were making out, camera zooming in on you both as you kiss and then panning as jihoon's hands trailed down your body

he was getting flashbacks to when you make-out and he does the exact same things

so of course he ended up imagining himself in the scene with you

what it would be like to shoot something like this with you

by the end of the scene he was completely jealous of your co-star because he wanted to do something like this with you

like the image of you kissing would be burned into his eyelids and he HATED IT

def didn't help how excited you were to watch your drama with him and others

mainly because you knew these scenes were here and when he turned to look at you at some point during the episode

he found you already staring at him, like you were watching his reactions

and he immediately regrets agreeing to watch it with you because he knows you were enjoying watching him suffer like this

so he tried to hide his jealousy at times but he couldn't help but get absorbed into the story of your character

so then by the end of it, he found himself more intrigued than jealous

but we all know he was still jealous at least on the inside

SEONGHWA

when you told seonghwa that this drama would be more mature he thought it meant something in the sense of gore and action

which it had that but he was completely caught off guard with some of more intense scenes

and not to mention the ones where you and your co-star were a little too intimate for him not to feel at least a little jealous

but seonghwa had to remind himself that it was all fake and that you were cuddled up next to him in his bed

he had promised to watch it with you when him and the others finished their tour and as hard as it was to avoid the drama

he managed to do it, completely avoiding any and everything about it

even when the other members watched it, he would ignore them when they talked about

and honestly, the really intimate scenes didn't get to him as much as the softer moments did

when you would caress and hold jihoon close to you or when you would kiss him

and especially during the "high school flashbacks" would get him the most he would feel both jealous AND emotional because of how heartbreaking they were

at one point you would look over to seonghwa tearing up at some of the softer moments

"its just so heartbreaking" he would say when you ask him what was wrong before fulling crying and having you instantly comfort him

YUNHO

he was immediately interested when he seen your drama trending on different social media

what also caught his eye was clips about one scene floating around on tiktok and twitter

a lot of people calling it "the bathroom scene" which only got him more curious

so when he was doing nothing but laying in bed one night after a concert, he remembered how everyone had been going crazy over the scene

and curiosity got the better of him and he watched just that scene

which... probably wasn't greatest idea but it was whatever he told himself

he would watch this 'infamous' scene now and then the rest of it later with one of the others or even with you

so he watched the scene and immediately felt a swing of different emotions

from how turned on he was because of how you looked extremely hot covered in blood and angry

to feeling uneasy when he watched you caress your co-star like how you would him or one of the others

to jealous when it then lead to you and your co-star making out and jihoon basically grinding against you and how you made those sounds that were only reserved for him and your other lovers

and then finally he came to regret the whole thing having let his curiosity get the better of him

and so when he finally sat down and watched it with mingi, he felt all those emotions come at him once more

YEOSANG

if yeosang felt jealous then he was really good at hiding it

he remembers you telling him and others about how this drama was on the more... mature side

which he didn't mind, he knew that it was something you were excited about and it was an opportunity for you career

so why wouldn't he be supportive of it?

annnnnnnnnnnnd then the drama came out and it was the internet exploded

he was seeing how fans were reacting to it and it only made him curious about it

even atiny were asking him about it and what he thought when he would go live

"have i watched y/nnie's drama? not yet but i've seen people talk about it. is it good?" he would ask and watch the comments flood with mix things

the usual yes and no comments: "watch it! its really good!!" "some scenes are hard to watch ngl..."

and then there were the ones that caught his eye: "you'll get jealous if you watch it."

"why would i be jealous?"

and then they would say: "y/n and jihoon are too sexy in some of it."

which obviously made him more curious about it and so he decided to watch it

and as he watched he couldn't help but feel something as he watched you and co-star kiss repeatedly, each one getting more and more heated than the last one

and then he finished it.

so... if kang yeosang was jealous then he was really really good at hiding it

SAN

san was excited for you when you told him and others about your new drama

so he was prepared to watch it when it came out because he wanted to be a supportive boyfriend

he remembers asking atiny about the drama during a live right after it was released

and like yeosang the comments came in and were mixed with all sorts of things

a lot of atiny telling him it was good but some scenes were very mature and some just outright telling him not to watch because of those mature things

and then he ended up watching it anyways with wooyoung one night while on tour

and he was definitely jealous about jihoon, your co-star

was shocked at how intimate the two of you would be in some scenes

he remembers actually gasping at one scene because your whole back was on display to the camera and while he knew you were actually fully naked – it still took him by surprise

also like seonghwa some of the softer scenes would hit hard and reminded him and you two when he would hold you or when you would hold him

after he finished it, he went on live the next day and brought it up

"i finished y/n's drama last night," he began remembering all the scenes that stood out to him the most

he tried his best to contain his jealousy, not wanting to show it camera

"i liked it a lot, definitely not something i would have imagined y/n in," he adds trying to remain calm as the image of your naked back flashed into his mind "but i think she did a really good job in it"

MINGI

this man was SCANDALIZED

he was so shocked throughout the entire thing as him and yunho watched

yunho even threatened to turn it off at one point if he kept gasping at every scene

"i can't help it! its just so interesting!" he would say, defending himself

and then the bathroom scene happened and he was FLOORED like he was so shocked by the whole thing

mingi was so invested into the story that he didn't even have time to think about being jealous

however when him and yunho were taking a break between episodes that's when he noticed yunho was getting jealous

and of course mingi used that to tease yunho because the rapper knew how much the dancer was whipped for you

and then after they finished the drama mingi was so heartbroken because it was over

he ended up watching it again by himself at a few months later

and it was during the re-watch that he was noticing things happening in the story and how like a lot of the others, your intimate moments reminded him of you two

but again, mingi wouldn't be jealous because he knew that you loved him and the others

and even with fans shipping you and your co-star, mingi knew that he didn't have to worry about your feelings

anyways, mingi best boy

WOOYOUNG

despite how he acts most of the time

wooyoung doesn’t get easily jealous

at least in a serious way

he’s confident in his relationship and knows that he has nothing to ever worry about

especially when it comes to you or the others acting in a drama that involves romance

so when he heard about the intimate scenes in your newest drama, wooyoung was immediately interested in it

and so when him and some of the others watched it together one night... to say he wasn't surprised would be a lie

but to say he wasn't turned on by some of the scenes would also be a lie

he thought you looked hot, plain and simple

and watching you show a bunch of different emotions on camera, well... it kind of turned him on

some of the scenes were definitely more intense than what he was expecting

but then when it got intimate or slightly romantic between you and jihoon then that's when it made his stomach do all sort of flips

like hongjoong he found himself imagining him in your co-star's place and thinking back to all the times you two would be intimate

it honestly kind of made him miss you more than he already did and he would end up calling you so he could see you outside of your drama

after he finished, he would go and brag about how his "best friend was a famous actress" and talking about how he loved the drama

he also kind of just... rubbing it in that he was close to you while others weren't

you know, just wooyoung things

even telling atiny to watch it (if they were old enough)

JONGHO

jongho had heard all about the drama like yunho had

so he was aware of some of the scenes the drama had to offer

but unlike yunho, he didn't watch those specific clips before the whole and instead experienced them all together

and jongho wasn't jealous per say, but he was shocked at some of the scenes

he was honestly glad he decided to watch the drama by himself because he found himself flustered at most if not all the intimate scenes that were shown

just like hongjoong and wooyoung, jongho would also imagine himself in those scenes with you

but not because he was jealous of your co-star

BUT because watching those scenes made him miss you while him and the others were on tour

HOWEVER

seeing how popularly it was and how loved you and jihoon were becoming to the internet

it wasn't the scenes in the drama that would necessarily make him jealous but the interview you and your co-star would do

seeing fans go crazy over the two of you like you were an actual couple... it made him feel weird inside

so you best believe that when he sees you again, you're gonna have the giant teddy bear cuddling up with you

and of course you wouldn't question his sudden need for cuddles and affection, only giving it to him

tag list : @frankenstein852 @watamotee33 @kawennote09 @mixling-blog @marahleiwhen @kpopnightingale @harry-the-pottypus @pyeonghongrie @sanniesbum @marvelahsobx @khjcoo @mysticfire0435 @exfolitae @dementedaly @simeonswhore @moonm1st @nvmbheart @spooo00oky @frgogh @sookacc @seongwin @burnsmepls @ad0rechuu @tunaasan @northerngalxy @silverpixiedust23 @cheesekimchi @confusedmoonchild777 @mjyungi @innieontop @iweirdthingsblog @s0obinluvr @worcesheshestershiresauce @moonlightgrleric @wineyoungie @jeongwangjessmina @lemineso

network : @cultofdionysusnet @cromernet

[agathasvidal]

agatha all along finale reactions

wow, what a road journey … kathryn hahn i am in awe of your work, you deserve every praise and award. jac, i hope we get to see more of your work outside of this triology in the mcu - your approach is incredible and i imagine it was hard to commit to the story you wanted to deliver with certain bodies breathing down your neck … thank you ma’am <3 witches, it’s been the best time with you all!

- thank u for that alice scene it was so pure “you’re a protection witch. you died protecting someone” - so did your mama alice

- excuse me WHERE THE Fck was an explanation on Agatha acquiring the Darkhold???? this is actually not ok… ALSO the flashback from episode three makes NO sense now?????

- soft!agatha was exactly what i needed thank you for humanising her i actually needed that it was done perfectly because she didn’t lose her evil within it she’s so perfectly grey like everything is done to protect her child yet her child is literally her bait? insanity !!

- unpopular opinion i HATE ghost!agatha i want to see my girl properly in future i really thought billy was going to bring her BACK not try to BANISH her 😭😭😭😭😭 it feels so unsatisfactory she is literally stuck with her mother make it make sense ??????? i know this is her comic arc but i just hoped if she were to die it would be finite idk

- the entire jen getting her powers back… was so confusing and rushed to me? they needed to explain her backstory with agatha more it just didn’t make much sense to me (i need to rewatch asap)

- agatha still not knowing mrs davis 💀💀

- “sometimes … boys die” oh OUCH

- a dandelion grew in the soil just like the dandelion nicky had in the flashback ugh

- why did they imply that rio was keeping agatha alive? yet they never explained how or why? again… i need answers or a rewatch EDIT: looool she just meant agatha would eventually die

- wished we got a moment of agatha deeping that lilia saved her life

- i can’t speak about the kiss right now I’ll say something ill regret

- also cannot discuss billy right now

- why does agatha NEED power to survive?

- AGATHA IN HER EARLY 1900s LOOK OH MY IM OBSESSED

- rio cutting agatha’s achilles was the worst thing ive ever watched when i tell you i was grossed out and im usually fine with everything but the PAIN oh my god … also… was agatha rio’s achilles heel?

- i like that billy did create the road… preferred my theory that rio did more 💀 but the fact that agatha knew the whole time, well im glad she did

- episode seven remains the best episode

- it was never a romance i get that but why tease it? because it felt like there was barely any payoff for the relationship that was teased … i feel this may have been Disney/marvel breathing down their necks

- agathario we’re writing a fixit fic asap

- it feels like we need just one more episode you know??? i can’t explain it

[barrenclan]

Ranger, Ranger, Ranger. The Machiavellian mutt we all love to hate. As we near towards the big finale in issue 44 and the epilogues that ensue, there is no doubt his role will become larger and larger. So, it’s time we start predicting his actions, reactions, and potentially his fate.

First, we must understand his character as well as his whole Bonnie and Clyde act with Hacksaw. I’ve checked through the comic to find their appearances and my search has found that Ranger is seemingly never seen without Hacksaw. However, Hacksaw is seen a few times without Ranger(in issue one, albeit implied and very brief)(And in issue 27, where she spies on the Barrenclan territory) it might be interesting to note that they are not mentioned alongside Prowl in Thrasher’s monologue in issue 13. Ranger definitely could not do all the menace behavior and projects and whatever shit he’s on, or at least it would be toned down, without Hacksaw. After all, she was the one who killed Saturn, the one who caught RainHaze in the first place, and is always by Ranger’s side whenever he’s talking to RainHaze, probably to bodyguard. The main examples of when Ranger has seriously fought are probably the pheasant he gave to RainHaze(might have been Hacksaw’s kill though) and when he was punishing RainHaze for lying. Issue 24 seems to be the main scene where we get a little peek at what is cooking in Ranger’s little brain cells. He doesn’t seem to really be invested that much in routine control, it’s the “projects” that he really cares about. It seems to be implied that RainHaze might not be the first poor creature this beastly brainwashed has sunk his claws into. However, something to note in issue 31(not the flashback part) is that Ranger does not seem that happy. He seems almost frustrated even though ordering around RainHaze and making him suffer seems to be his favorite thing in the world right now… or is that just a temporary mask he put on to trick RainHaze? Maybe Hacksaw’s words in issue 24 affected him.

So, our current takeaways:

-Ranger depends on Hacksaw as muscle to keep him safe

-Ranger’s main form of activity is his “projects” whether that be just what he’s doing to RainHaze or other fucked up things

-Ranger seems to be a bit in a rut with RainHaze right now

Now, to what Ranger might do in the near future of this story:

Well, we might need to know the extent of how far he wants to go with RainHaze. Does he just want him to love killing? Does he want to ensure RainHaze doesn’t hate him? Is this kind of a, “You’ll thank me later” situation he’s got with torturing RainHaze? Because he knows that RainHaze is part of BarrenClan, he’ll definitely want himself, Hacksaw, and RainHaze to have front row seats for whatever shenanigans Deepdark’s going to do when he pull up to their crib. But something Ranger should keep in mind is that if RainHaze has nothing left to lose, there’s not really anything holding him back from revenge. I’m sure Ranger knows this small risk, and either doesn’t care because he’s confident it won’t happen, or will just have his wifey do the cleanup. If things were to go his way, he’d probably just continue to brainwash RainHaze, wait for him to enjoy killing, and then move on to another project. I wonder if all his victims have a therapy group.

Now, before we go into my main theories for what Ranger’s conclusion will be, I want to discuss something a little extra. If there’s anything this comic is known for, it’s the big, fat, juicy EXISTENTIAL CRISES(and the generational trauma). Maybe, Ranger might get one. More likely not though.

So the two routes I think the story will take with Ranger

He Wins:

Until BeeFace and PlumStripe, and maybe CootStorm, we haven’t really seen antagonists be punished for their bad acts. I don’t think Razmerry is going for the route where Defiance gets away with everything though. But you never know. Maybe he gets no external punishments but it’s more of the internal horror, like the ending of American Psycho.

He gets a comeuppance:

This can come in many forms. Maybe he and Hacksaw die together. Maybe only Hacksaw dies, leaving him probably all alone. Existential crisis optional. Maybe RainHaze gets his revenge, by doing something Ranger did to him. It would be a cool scene if Ranger begs RainHaze to kill him, only for RainHaze to refuse. Maybe Hacksaw leaves him, as she seems a little annoyed with this whole project thing, “It’s either me or him!”

Welp, that’s my ramble. PatFW got that magic that got me doing a full analysis of Coyote Patrick Bateman.

You wrote a wholeass essay on my weirdo coyote with the whimsicality of Lemony Snicket... I'm in LOVE with this. I'm never gonna stop thinking about Machiavellian mutt. Coyote Patrick Bateman. Beastly brainwasher....

This is so good! I'm glad you're excited to see where these guys go!

[felixcloud6288]

PMMM Rebellion Movie

Those images during Homura's explanation of things have some real witch art-style to them.

Those tears(?) formed a spiral at the end.

This opening has real Fantasia vibes.

Madoka!? Why are you in the ballerina crowd?

I really want to know how that bear thing is animated. It looks like a real item made using stop motion.

SAYAKA!!! and Kyouko!!

A musical?

Why is the dessert witch here?

I'm not even five minutes in and have written all this.

It's the same family scene from episode 1.

So Hitomi and Kyousuke are already dating in the movie.

I saw it! Madoka has that magical girl mark on her left middle finger. Can't tell what it is but it's pink.

This opened with Homura explaining the law of cycles so I'd assume this is after the main series but things are definitely not adding up.

Madoka does the late for school run complete with toast in mouth.

ClaRis returns to make the opening theme.

Opening theme remarks: This is so obviously going to be about Homura. I love how the others are able to be carefree and have fun. Even though it's supposed to represent some tragic thing (I don't know, does Homura feel isolated and the others don't know her distress?), there's something funny about her moping while the others are doing a cheerful dance.

First time seeing Kyouko in a school uniform.

Sayaka and Kyouko's interaction over the homework is such a perfect microcosm of how they view what a magical girl is.

Oh great. Teacher's a conspiracy nutjob.

And her rambling sets the story to shortly after December 21, 2012.

It's Moe-mura. So is this an earlier loop?

Nevermind. What's a nightmare? The anime ended saying they're hunting demonic beasts.

Another shot where I could see Madoka's finger mark. It looks like it's just a pink line.

Hitomi has a fairy-tale princess bed.

Oh, so that's what nightmares are.

I'm SO OBSESSED with staring at everyone's fingers!!! I never saw Mami's mark in the anime and I can see she has one too. It's orange, but I can't tell exactly what it is. I think it might be a diamond.

Bebe? Okay. Why is that little witch living with Mami?

Got a good laugh seeing Mami use magic to curl her hair.

So glad Sayaka realized that Kyousuke isn't worth being upset over.

I'm so happy Kyubey hasn't said a single word. I hope just shuts the fuck up for the whole movie.

A full sailor Moon-esque transformation sequence.

Something felt off about Homura's transformation. I had to rewatch everyone's transformation sequences and while Homura's wasn't the only one that had witch runes appear, it was the only one where they interrupted the tranformation rather than being part of it.

Everything about Homura's transformation sequence dripped with sheer awkwardness. She does not know how to be flashy or cool.

I actually had a PTSD flashback when Bebe got real close to Homura's face.

Do they actually have to sing to dispel the nightmares? That felt like the kind of song you'd sing to a kindergarten class.

Okay. Their soul gems get replenished by the power created by turning nightmares into happy dreams.

Loved seeing them all work together. We never got anything like that in the anime.

Bebe keeps talking about cheese. Is that why she ate Mami in the anime? Cause Mami's head looks like a cheese wheel?

What's with the math teacher's face? Oh it's everyone.

Anime cabbage rule: All drawings of food must look amazing.

Maybe all this is some nightmare of Homura's? I think she's implying to Kyouko that everything she doesn't know is kind of being awkwardly filled in.

"Veni, Vidi, Mitaki Hara"

We're already in weirdo limbo world and we haven't reached the final stop?

Bus driver is really unconcerned that someone jumped from the roof onto the engine.

Is Mitakihara the name of the city the story takes place in?

Everything is creepy.

Moe-mura was just an act.

I bet Kyubey is behind all this. I have no proof but I need an excuse to hate him.

Hold on a second. Were Bebe's familiars mouse-themed because she's obsessed with cheese?

Every time Homura pries into something she doesn't know, things get weird.

Homura, you shouldn't accuse the cheese freak when Kyubey is RIGHT THERE!!

There's a drawing of Bebe with a Mami palette-swap and a moustache at 46:08.

All the billboards are BEBE.

MAGIC OF GUN!!!!

WHAT!!?

Wraiths? Is that what we call the demonic beasts?

The witch wants to keep things the way they are. Oh dear. It's Homura.

Bebe and Sayaka know too much. They and Madoka should not exist in this world.

SAYAKA TURNED INTO HER WITCH FORM!?! WHAT'S GOING ON AND HOW CAN I BLAME KYUBEY FOR THIS!?

Why are those "children" throwing tomatoes at Homura?

Madoka's finger mark is just a line. LAME!!

Madoka was literally trying to make Homura go back to how she was at the start and Homura ended up rejecting the false reality where Madoka never vanished.

Why are creepy children chanting Homura's name while the world ends? Why is this movie so creepy!?

KYUBEY SHUT UP!! GO BACK TO BEING ALL "Kyu, Kyu".

Oh great, there's more of them.

Witch Homura's familiars are a mix of British Royal guards that look like Homura and children. Homura wished to relive her time with Madoka but be able to protect her instead, so the royal guard theme makes sense.

Awesome! It IS Kyubey's fault!

Kyubey and his entire race really are just the worst.

Loving the montage of Homura being singly obsessed with killing Kyubey forever.

Oh so Homura's familiars aren't royal guards. They're a prisoner escort. So I guess those children familiars are the onlookers mocking the prisoner on their way to their execution.

Sayaka can command her witch form.

Sayaka and Bebe are commanding familiars from all the witches from the anime.

Now that I think about it, we never saw Sayaka pull of any actual pagical feats. This is cool seeing her create music sheet platforms.

Sayaka/Kyouko OTP!!

Sayaka's witch form is wielding a copy of Kyouko's spear.

Kyubey's final words being "I don't understand at all" is so appropriate when getting destroyed by the power of love.

A familiar of the Walpurgis Night is escorting Sayaka and Bebe.

There's still 20 minutes left. Something bad is totally going to happen.

Homura, what are you doing?

Why is that spool of thread a recurring item in the movie?

Okay. I have no idea what just happened, but I guess Kyubey's going to suffer for eternity so I think it's a net positive.

Homura looks so tired.

Oh Homura's mindset did not change from when she became a witch. She just doubled down. Even her familiars hate her.

Wait what?

Madoka is wearing the ribbon her mother didn't recommend.

That same montage of events from episodes 1 and 10.

I genuinely do not understand the ending at all. Did Homura just completely nullify the entire magical girl system and Kyubey, witches, and all that just exist as things outside existence?

There shouldn't be stars on the dark side of a half-moon. The moon is literally cut in half.

Homura just threw herself off a cliff. And the half-moon and cliff perfectly divide the scene. I guess Homura has figuratively and literally gone off the deep end and plunged herself into the darkness.

Kyubey is scared. Kyubey is SCARED!! Emotions are a mental illness to his race. Homura drove him mad.

Y'know, a theme in the series is that there's no such thing as a selfless wish. Everything has a selfish motive and the entire witch system banked on girls trying to be that selfless person they're told they should be and consequently making wishes that don't give them any happiness. Even though Madoka's wish destroyed the witch system, it was still one of those 'selfless on the outside, selfish on the inside' wishes cause she always wants to be helpful. And Kyubey's system still existed but in a less effective way.

Homura effectively made an absolutely selfish wish in the end. She wanted to make sure that Madoka can always be with her, and she rewrote the universe to destroy the entire cause and effect preventing her from having that desire.

Ironically, it looks like this is the good ending because no one has to suffer from the magical girl system at all. And all the aspects about it still exist to keep things running, but don't actually effect anything. The only one who will suffer is Kyubey.

back

[oddlylongtelephonecord]

I have a lot of thoughts on vnc but tbh it can all be summed up by saying that if Vanitas doesn't end up being canonically queer, it’s one of the first actual instances of queerbaiting I have seen.

Like, what people don’t often realize is that just because who characters are close, that doesn’t at all mean that they are implied queer. (I realize how dismissive this sounds, I only mean to say that to be queerbaiting, it has to be intentional and with the end goal of drawing in a queer audience)

I could talk about this for hours, but even shows that are the most basic definitions of queerbaiting weren’t actually queerbaiting.

Voltron is a prime example. Keith was queer-coded (kind of, but I don't have time rn to unpack all of that). But his and Lance’s relationship was never actually queerbaiting.

The same stuff applied to so many shows.

People want to claim the show was queerbaiting because the popular queer couple didn’t go canon, but what people rarely realize is that either they couldn’t make them queer due to censorship or they never intended for them to be queer in the first place. I won’t even lie, y’all don’t seem to understand that if the queer-coding is unintentional, then the character, by definition, cannot be queerbaiting. Because to queerbait, the author has to intentionally queer-code a character to draw in a queer audience, then have then leave the character's sexuality ambiguous.

But now on to vnc. Vanitas is a little bit different than your traditional queerbait character, because while yes, he is in a relationship with a woman, it feels very forced and out of place. Even from the beginning, there doesn’t actually seem to be any connection between the pair, with Jeanne even going as far as saying she hates Vanitas.

But in the end, the one Vanitas always returns to is Noe. The only one he ever actually expresses any concern for is Noe. The only one he has even implied any care for is Noe.

In s2 of the show, or chapter 42 of the manga, Vanitas is shown with Jeanne. But in a flashback showing Luna telling Vanitas to find someone to open his heart to, it doesn’t only cut to Jeanne, it’s cuts to Noe. Because in the end, Vanitas will always return to Noe.

In the most recent chapter, Luna tells Vanitas to “pick something that will be soothing to have with him” and once again, the next scene is one of Vanitas seemingly begrudgingly sitting next to Noe.

Vanitas is always close to Noe. He rarely touches him in any “loving” sense, but wherever Noe is, Vanitas won’t be far behind.

Long story short, Vanitas’ character is the exact definition of queerbaiting. He is heavily implied to love Noe in some way or another, but (at least at present) he is put with a woman.

Now, I honestly believe that this might change. I’m not super confident, but I think it’s possible because the author of the series is very intentional with everything they do.

Nothing is ever done unintentionally, and I don’t think that they would unintentionally imply that Vanitas was queer. At this point, it really just comes down to whether or not the author is trying to queerbait, but we won’t know that until the story is finished.

tldr: Vanitas’ character, at present, qualifies as queerbaiting, but we won’t know for sure until the series is over

[baddygab-bi]

Episode thoughts!!

What was with Chimney really emphasizing how small that couple’s house was? Like they made a really big deal out of the size of their house only for it not to be about the house at all? Like why are we house shaming? You just bought this house recently with help from your in-laws.

Marisol rubbing up on Eddie’s arm in the date scene was big cringe. Same with them standing in the hallway in each other’s arms. They really forced that blocking and I did not care for it. Also… there was a flashback to 2 months earlier. We know they were leaving for the cruise at the end of season 6. One can assume we’re picking up from there. So the time jump is only as long as that weird recovery part of the season 6 finale plus a few days or so. So they’ve been dating for that long and she’s already super involved in Chris’ life. I’m not a single parent, but I feel like that’s fast. Eddie really in his romantic idgaf era.

Buck saying “you don’t want him to end up like me,” after Eddie kind of implies that Chris is acting a little Buck 1.0 was wild. Especially because “you didn’t even end up like you.” Didn’t technically refute anything. If we’re going off the idea that ABC is reintroducing these characters, they’re showing Buck as a reformed playboy— a guy’s go-to guy. Idk something weird there.

I LOVED that scene with Shannon. We all knew it was her letter so that wasn’t a surprise, but ugh I loved her appearing there. And Gavin did a great job with everything he had.

Go kart Buck🥰

Hated that hot tub call. It made me a little creeped out and I know everyone is loving Eddie talking that girl out of being nervous, and I do love that he’s open about his panic attacks, but I’m sorry, I just can’t see the scene as anything other than him talking to her until she literally gets unstuck from her boyfriend’s penis and ew. Love open Eddie, hated how uncomfy the sex jello scene was. Oliver’s face was gold though.

“Let’s talk about what else is dead on the ship because I think it may be our marriage” goes HARD. Gives me Bathena conversation from pre-Eddie being shot vibes.

Natalia and Buck’s breakup makes sense. I disagree with other people who are saying it seemed like a cover for something else. I think it really is just that in the months or less that they were dating, that it’s probably true that she was hung up on his death and death in general.

“Bobby picked a good day to go on his honeymoon” oh, so, they DID tell someone they were leaving and going on a cruise.

Are we just going to pretend the timeline of all this makes sense?

Madney my love, but Chim… With a wedding and a whole child, you think you’d ask if you can buy a hot tub.

[ren-rambles-often]

'Tale of Winter and Spring' another goyuu arranged marriage fic that might just become a fave despite some reservations of mine!!! Let me explain!!! (Rec Review and thoughts)

This review was so sweetly requested by the actual author and lovely mutual of mine @star2112 (really love their name for some reason). So with that context and their permission I'll be going a bit more in depth, and letting them know where I feel they could improve upon. I do keep in mind that many ao3 authors aren't from the pro writing background so I'll be super gentle.

But before we get to that I will give you a quick summary and listing out the fic's strong points (and there are a lot (✿ ♡‿♡)

CW for review and the story itself: there will be spoilers in this rev so if you want to read it before hearing my thoughts go ahead and follow the link in the title. The story involves mpreg, omegaverse and dub con.)

Tale of Winter and Spring is set in historical Japan as all good fics should be, where Yuuji is given away to Gojo by his older brother Sukuna. Thing is Yuuji is in love with next heir of the Zenin clan, Megumi and he's very, very, very unhappy with what's happening. Nevertheless he goes through it all with some very un-Yuuji like gloom )don't worry, we'll get to that). Its an ongoing fic so we don't know the end or which direction the plot itself is taking but for now there's a whole lot of intrigue and hints of Geto coming into the picture to ruin (or maybe not ruin) everything happening.

There's a handful of things that made this story a bit challenging to read but one of the many things I have to give props to is the development of the FushIta relationship side of Yuuji's story. I don't hate FushIta but it's one of many jjk ships that makes me grit my my teeth when it's not a side story in a goyuu ntr fic. So reading the development of their bond here… actually made me kick my feet a bit, is the author a FushIta shipper in disguise??? We'll never know ig ¯_(ツ)_/¯

There's the flashback scene where they're talking about books they read and after some banter Yuuji's like,

"hey megumi… in the future, let's go North, and see if those demons are real or not."

And I felt that, especially since Yuuji does end up going North (Gojo's Clan location if I remember correctly) but Megumi isn't there with him and it's much colder and lonely for him since he can't relate to Satoru at all.

Genuinely almost sobbed ಥ‿ಥ

Another thing I did enjoy was Sukuna's backstory and part of me really wanted more of it and him. It's said he got his hands dirty but I'd love to know what exactly this entails as it would really add more depth to the evilness of his character which is mostly told but not shown. It's easy to so say oh this character does evil things and imply that constantly but harder to display those evil things and show them doing the tragedies that solidify them in the reader's mind like 'yeah, this dude is the worst'. Example, Sukuna throughout the entirety of jjk lollll.

And there was an opportunity for the story to show one of such things which I'll get to in the critique part of this review.

I also really love the characterization which is very important you're making and alternate world. You don't always have to put characters in roles they'll fit but one thing I do like is when a they reflect that role with their canon personalities. And I know someone's already going "well fanon doesn't care about canon" which is fine and true but realistically many fanfic readers, myself included aren't into ooc content. What counts as ooc does vary from person to person tho, especially bc different people interpret characters differently.

Despite the various interpretations there is a common way a character is viewed and enjoyed, which is why, despite how much I enjoyed reading, there was something about Yuuji that constantly…called out to me.

I'm getting into the critique section now to talk about that. Where the writing shines in dialogue and interesting world building, it's kind of falls back in consistency.

Somewhere at the start, in the wedding scene, Utahime says they all have high expectations of Yuuji putting Gojo in his place with kind of indicates a firey kind of attitude but up until this point Yuuji has being quiet and avoidant and kind of continues to be until some of the later chapters. So it's weird she puts this responsibility on him when his character hasn't shown any signs of it. It's not one of more glaring instances but it's one that precedes a few others.

There's another part where Yuuji apologizes for speaking angrily, but Gojo says he doesn't have to because he knows he's the problem. Yuuji's internal thoughts proceed to view that as his apology being discarded which don't exactly make sense to me and ends up feeling like he's looking for reasons to be nitpicky at this point.

Character building isn't a huge problem but it's always the little things that manage add to the overall picture. There's a scene where Sukuna wants to take Yuuji to the Zenin clan and Wasuke doesn't want him to bc everyone thinks Sukuna wants to sell him off. Thing is Sukuna says he's not depraved enough to use an omega child like that but in my opinion it would have done his story and Yuuji's a greater service for him openly consider it and hold that over Yuuji's head for good behavior. He's evil, even if he'd actually never do it, evil people say evil shit.

With all this talk about characters it's time I finally expand on what really got to me and that would be Yuuji. My baby boy is literally all over the place. Yuuji canonically is a very social characters, eager to please and more ready than usual to give other's the benefit of a doubt. Here he's very quick to judge and overly guarded to me.

Now, I'm not saying has to overly friendly either but there's a balance that could struck with him not insulting or assuming things of Gojo constantly, and yeah the white haired bastard doesn't make it especially easy but one of Yuuji's admirable traits is his fortitude and patience with those around him.

Nevertheless, a part of me does think this was a stylistic choice to convey the disparity of Yuuji's behavior with his two love interests; Yuuji is only truly his best self with Megumi and the worst with Gojo. And understanding this, I was able to look past his behavior with the hope and interest of seeing both him and Gojo warm up to each other.

Also, did I mention it's still a mystery why Gojo asked for Yuuji's hand in marriage. Either that or it was mentioned that it's bc of his scent and I forgot (I've been through a lot this week forgive me (〒﹏〒)

My final critique is the writing structure and grammar. Grammar and writing are like 80% of a fic for me. If I don't vibe, no matter how interesting the concept I just might not read.

Thing is, I do vibe with Star2112's writing a lot, it simple yet beautiful in the way in which it conveys the emotions and moods of the story and characters. I enjoyed reading the scene where Yuuji freaks out cuz Gojo didn't spend the wedding night with him and now it may harm his reputation and Sukuna's. I enjoyed every FushIta interaction and I most definitely enjoyed when towards the ending of chapter 8, Yuuji allows Gojo to touch his belly and feel the baby while the Alpha spoke it (also Gojo wants to be a girl dad and that made me throw my phone across the room screaming cuz cuuuute (●♡∀♡)!!!!)

What I didn't enjoy was the structure of the sentences.

"Sentences work like this," Ren says. ✅

" Not like this, " They add. ❌

Figuring out how dialogue and quotations work are a big step for every author's writing journey, it's common not to know if you end with commas of full stops but for the most part, that doesn't really matter. Leave no spaces between the quoted sentence and the quotations marks and always start a new statement with a capital, doesn't matter if it was a continuation of what they were saying in a previous sentence.

Capital.

Grammar-wise, there were a lot of frequent errors but none to glaring and they could all be fixed with a more thorough read through. It can be pretty hard without a beta reader bestie but I believe you, there's so much talent for you not to give the best reading experience you're able to.

Overall, this is definitely a fic I would recommend to avid arranged marriage goyuu fans that love the DRAMA (and if you're like me who likes to read Megumi getting cucked, tho it's not exactly cheating here we'll manage ( ꈍᴗꈍ)💕

At the end of the day, a lot of this advice is partly objective, all authors are free to take what they feel they want to work on and leave the rest. Or leave it all because what matters about writing and fanfiction is that you enjoy what you do. Other's enjoying it is just a bonus/by product.

And to Star2112, you're doing so good, keep it up, I'm subbed and ready to see more, especially if I'll get to read goyuu raising their kid or kids, I'm a sucker for 'oop it's twins'. I'd also encourage you to read more books outside fanfic if you don't if you're still interested in dialogue and sentence structure. You have a strong voice and I think working on your weak points will really amplify that. I'm honored you came to me and hope I was able to help.

If anyone else wants to request, recommendations and reviews are kinda two different things. If you Recommend me a fic and I may or may not talk about it, depends. If you request I Review (for analysis and advice) a fic it has to be yours and you'll have to prove it to me. Depending on what you want I'll either write a post or just let you know my thoughts privately. DMs open so don't be shy.

Thanks for sticking to the end, go check out Star's work to get in on that action and happy Easter my precious freaks!!!

Ps: will edit this later, my brain is literally on fire, bye lovelies (◍•ᴗ•◍)❤

[kaufmann-6]

Oh, hiiii! It was about time I made an official introduction to my blog!

ᓚᘏᗢ I'm Kaufmann, but you can call me Kauf! I'm a writer on ao3, an avid fic reader and a pianist!

ᓚᘏᗢ I like to reblog some of my favorite fandoms content, like PJO, Batfam and TUA on this blog and share my fics. (feel free to send me writing prompts and headcanons from the fandoms I'll list below, I'd love a challenge!)

ᓚᘏᗢ I'm also open to fic colabs and friendly chat. You have my permission to remix, translate, make podfics and/or fanarts out of my works but please tag me when posting here on tumblr. You can also post on ao3 using the "inspired by" or gift feature. (do not post content based on my works out of ao3 and tumblr)

ᓚᘏᗢ Did you know I'm the owner of a Jasico Discord server? I host creative challenges on @jasico-challenges and decided to create a Discord so people can talk about the events, Jasico, and random PJO! You're welcome to join by clicking this invite link.

ᓚᘏᗢ --------------------- >

ᓚᘏᗢ I go by Kaufmann on AO3. Here are some things that I've written:

The Umbrella Academy

ᓚᘏᗢ Absence → A remix fic I wrote for @tua-masked-author based out of @littlerit's amazing work, The Time Traveler's Life. It's Klaus pov of his 14th birthday and Five's multiple appearances. Angsty.

ᓚᘏᗢ If Only → An AU in which Patch didn't notice Five's van across the street and Cha-Cha got tired of waiting so she kills Klaus on S1E4.

ᓚᘏᗢ Bubble Thoughts → Another @tua-masked-author entry, an older one this time. It's a post-S3 fic in which Klaus reflects on his father's betrayal and his actions in that season. Luther helps him cope.

ᓚᘏᗢ I can die when I'm done. → Written for @tua-masked-author first edition! It's a missing scene fic from when Klaus was locked in that tiny motel closet in S1 when Hazel and Cha-Cha left to blow up Meritech. Character study, internal monologue. Lots of Angst & Hurt/No Comfort.

ᓚᘏᗢ The Bargain → An old wip that I really should pick up again. It's an AU in which the Handler decided to use Five's love for his siblings against him and uses Klaus as a hostage to get Five to work for her on S1E5. TW: SA.

DC Batman

ᓚᘏᗢ 'Cause you all try to keep me down → This fic was written for @febuwhump 2024. In this one, Black Mask kidnaps Red Hood and Red Robin and Jason is forced to watch Tim get tortured by the man who hates him the most. TW: Whump & eletric shock torture.

ᓚᘏᗢ I'm absolutely obsessed with Jason Todd at the moment and have so many fic ideas, including a Time Traveller's Wife AU coming up soon. Stay tunned!

Riordanverse (PJO, HOO, TOA)

ᓚᘏᗢ Oh, ho, the mistletoe (is hung where you can see) → Jasico Imprint Soulmate AU written for @jasico-challenges's Bingo Challenges 2024. Between flashbacks from the past, nightmares and christmas presents, Jason and Nico figure out how to tell their friends the truth about their relationship.

ᓚᘏᗢ If you had one more chance → Jasico fic for the Percy Jackson Gift Exchange Autum Equinox 2023. Nico struggles after Jason's death and decides to risk everything to bring him back. Orpheus & Euridyce style.

ᓚᘏᗢ Every Breath You Take → Jercy fic written for the Percy Jackson Gift Exchange Winter Solstice 2022. Percy and Jason are secretly pining for each other. In a road trip across the country, they finally face their feelings, but not withought some angst and jelously in the middle.

ᓚᘏᗢ It Doesn't Matter Anymore → A Jason Grace character study from when he was stuck in the wind prison in TOA. What was he thinking on his very last moments? Angst and Hurt/No Comfort. TW: Major character death & implied/referenced suicide.

ᓚᘏᗢ --------------------- >

I've written fics of some other fandoms like Maze Runner and I Am Not Okay With This but the fadoms above are the ones I'm still active in.

If you'd like to send a writing prompt or to make a request, here's my Bad Things Happen Bingo card, I'm accepting Jason Todd & Batfamily requests.

[penguwastaken]

On ‘Danganronpa Togami’ also, I would be of the viewpoint that most of what happened in the present in terms of actual events not merely spoken of was real (unlike the interpretation of certain others) and that the way Borges worked was essentially like a more advanced versions of the vision filters from ‘Black Mirror’, replacing what was seen/heard by Blue Ink with regards to the identities of (some of) the people who were being encountered then being obscured/replaced with others if they seemed to contradict what Blue Ink’s reality (as Byakuya’s biographer) was supposed to be, and what words they were saying. That what can be guaranteed to have been real 100% would be those scenes Borges wouldn’t have had the right context to in order to properly filter it off into something else, like most of the Ultimate Despair encounters, Byakuya calling Junko, the brief Mukuro encounter, Toko showing up and Genocide Jill going into action, etc., as well as any information given by characters in the games (like there being 15 to 108 Togami siblings). One particular fan theory building on this concept that I like being that the real Shinobu who died was the actual decapitator in the island flashbacks, Borges having switched around the identities of the major players in terms of what they did in presenting a facsimile of the past for her to look back upon. And that while the Ultimate Imposter may very well have been one of the many Togami siblings, it didn’t matter anymore to his present goals with Ultimate Despair, the ‘Kazuya’ Orvin made that way basically to see how his original plan might have gone if he hadn’t met Junko. It was a trilogy that seemed to assume one had played the other games/read the other novels, that its readership would understand what certain things would be referring to, even if not explicitly spelled out.

What would be your thoughts on the trilogy?

Ignore everything below, my mind has completely changed (lol). Read my updated review instead.

If you want a very short description of my opinion of Danganronpa Togami, it's basically this image.

I can't help but think that maybe if i read the Kagami Family Saga novels or if there were just better full translations, maybe i would have liked Danganronpa Togami more. But the truth is, I REALLY don't like Danganronpa Togami. It's honestly one of the worst media experiences I've ever had 😭

My biggest gripe is that i hate that any flaw with its storytelling can be exempt by just saying "well actually it was all fake and you don't know what's real and what isn't" because that just makes it worth nothing, if the bad stuff can be exempt then so can the good stuff. And it is HEAVILY implied that a majority of the novel is fake, the themes rely on it, it's the main point of the novel. And if they were real, that would make it actual dogshit and also just noncanon because it would contradict Danganronpa 3 and Zero.

I genuinely can't tell if I really like the twist or if I really hate it because it makes so much sense in retrospect but getting to that point was an actual pain to read, and the implications of it are also so baffling.

There's so much god awful stuff in this book like Kazuya and Suzuhiko, the weird recurring incest stuff, Byakuya's really bad and flanderized characterization, and all the absurd stuff that happens like Sakura projecting herself or the despair novel but it's all dismissed by the "it was all made up" thing which is so awesome but so stupid at the same time. If that twist was in literally any other novel I might like it but it's handled so poorly that I end up despising it.

Basically, I don't like this novel. And while parts of it matter, for the most part it can be easily dismissed because most of it was canonically made up.

I shouldn't have to read a completely separate book series to enjoy this. There was no need for all of the gross and poorly handled incest and sexual abuse stuff. Byakuya's characterization just makes him insufferable and his entire motive and actions is kind of gross. And to top it all off, NONE of it mattered. It's not like V3 where the events had an effect on the people involved or changed something, the book literally just describes it as another weekend in Byakuya's life and it's all forgotten and most of it didn't even happen. I sat through all of that for none of it to even matter. Basically what it results is self nullifying nonsense that means literally nothing as none of the events happened.

I'm sorry if you like this trilogy, I just can't find many positives. I went in thinking that maybe the hate for it was unfounded, I wanted to like it. I mean, I think Danganronpa 3 is great, I found redeeming qualities in Danganronpa S and Ultra Despair Girls. So if anyone can find something to like in an unpopular piece of Danganronpa media, it would be me. And honestly volume 1 wasn't even that bad, I remember thinking that it was kinda dumb but harmless. But my experience with Danganronpa Togami can best be described as a decent into madness. I have a lot of issues with it, but that's just my opinion.

[olderthannetfic]

Adding to the “why kink” convo:

I have a CNC/rape kink IRL, and also go fucking feral for anything where a man gets sexually tortured and mentally tormented to the point where they can no longer function as people (in fiction only).

I think the CNC/rape definitely just… happened. Like, I was 6 and I would already find myself intrigued by power dynamics and abuse in cartoons or other media I was exposed to. I remember my fave character in any show would be the hottest one that also was powerful and cruel, bonus points if they regularly got other characters bleeding, crying or traumatised.

Also the interest in really extreme stuff. I remember being 6 or 7 and looking up on Google things like bestiality (I did not have the term at the time, just used more clumsy words to find it) and being unable to comprehend why there were no results — obviously it’s illegal, but I was so fucking young that I didn’t even understand what it was really or what my curiosity implied. What I did know is that I was drawn to something painful and forbidden and dirty and extreme. I was reading rapefic from the age of 12. Before that, I was already reading explicit fic from age 10, and I would actively look for rough sex or no-prep anal. I was watching DP and big things shoved into small places from around that time too! I was on pornhub searching for stuff like gangbang, cream pie, rape(which had no results and frustrated me terribly because I still didn’t understand the implications or legalities of what attracted me so much) . And when I finally (finally!) discovered BDSM and got reading up on sadomasochism it’s like a whole world blossomed in front of my eyes. It was amazing and validating and inspiring. And I’m sure if someone were to look into my brain or something maybe they’d find a reason here and there as to why maybe I’m into it, but I still think it just happened. I was born with it and that’s it.

Now, in regards to my whump kink (which is very much focused on men) I do have to agree with that other anon in regards to that sex = violence mentality. As I entered the world of sex, specifically with men (I’m a woman), I was forced to learn this the hard way. Sex is violence, often. And not the fun kind that I wanted to explore, but rather the terrible kind that makes you hate yourself on a visceral level. And I think I developed this men-only-whump kink because, yes, I have a pre-existing interest in sadomasochism, but also because it’s a way to gain control, I guess? And because when the one suffering is a man I am more able to separate myself from that reality — I’m not forced to have flashbacks to when I was sexually assaulted or made to feel unsafe, used, or hollow. I can just enjoy my kink from a distance. Also there’s definitely something that feels very “wrong” in hurting a man in all the ways that women are often hurt, and that feeling excites me as much as it revindicates me.

I also want to note that I would be profoundly distressed by seeing/doing anything remotely violent/non consensual to anybody ever in my RL. Kink can and often does exist within its own parameters, eg. on tv where we know everything’s fake. Or in bed with someone we trust and have explored the scene in detail beforehand. Kink is not (or it shouldn’t be) ever at the expense of other non-consenting human beings.

--

[pretty-boys-book-club]

Let your heart be light – Part 2

A Spencer Reid Holidate!AU

Part 1

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader, Spencer Reid x Female!Reader, Spencer Reid x BAU!Reader

Warnings: Fluff, Fake Dating, Mutual Pining, Friends to Lovers, ANGST, tw: implied sex, tw: alcohol consumption, tw: food, sexist mother

Word Count: 15.4k

Prompt: Fed up with being single on holidays, Spencer and Reader agree to be each other’s platonic plus-ones all year long, only to catch real feelings along the way.

Author's Note: Please don't hate me for taking so ridiculously long to finish this piece. I wanted to do its justice and couldn't do that while I was still battling writer's block and my own anxieties. Hope you have as much fun reading this as I did when I was writing it!

· · ─────── · ♡ · ─────── · ·

FEBRUARY 15TH

No matter who provides the poison (or what that poison was), it seems to be a tradition that you're going to be hungover the day after Valentine's Day, and this time it’s no different.

Thanks to your drinking, you wake up feeling like shit. Your back hurts. Your neck hurts. Everything hurts. Just another reminder that you're not as young as you once were. A headache is doing its best to kill you and your legs have never felt so heavy before. All you want is to sleep in a little longer.

You feel really warm and safe with the bed covers clinging to your body, pulling you down with a sleepy sigh and... Bed covers aren’t able to do that. You stir in your sleep for another second, already dreading the idea of having to get up, when a hand hits the side of your face. Wait a second, a hand?

Your eyes trail up towards the man's arm, to his shoulder, then to his face… Spencer?

Keep reading or read it on AO3

“Oh, shit.” escapes your lips. What exactly did you do last night? How did you end up sleeping in Spencer's bed? You try to push yourself up but you feel dizzy. You slowly lift the covers and peek inside, looking down at yourself and breathing a sigh of relief that you're dressed. Except… Those aren't your clothes. And you're pretty sure you're wearing boxers.

Thankfully, Spencer seems to be wearing underwear as well. But you can't help but notice he's not wearing much more than that. You look away for a moment, feeling embarrassed, but then you begin to realize he looks pretty damn fine. You definitely don't notice the cute freckles that adorn his skin, or take note of how his chest rises and falls with each breath. No, you'd never look at your best friend in such an adoring way. Not you. You're only thinking of your own embarrassment.

Spencer grunts and turns, nestling his face deeper into his pillow, curls dropping gently on his skin, framing his cheek and the lashes of his closed eyes. His hand stubbornly finds your waist, pulling you closer to him. You freeze, not knowing what is the protocol in a situation like this. Do you move? Do you wake him up? Do you stay still? How can his pretty face look so damn peaceful while you're freaking the fuck out?

To a profiler, a position like this says a lot about your relationship: the fact that Spencer is comfortable enough to wrap his arm around you in his sleep means he feels very safe and secure in your arms. Of course he does, you've shared a room many times before during cases, you've been through thick and thin, you've helped each other in crime scenes, in hostage situations, you're even pretending to be each other's fake romantic partner, for goodness sake.

Maybe you should consider moving or waking him up.

“Y/N?” his soft voice says, tinged with more than a little concern. “What's going on?"

"Nothing," you lie, glancing down at your clothes. "I'm just gonna…get up."

Out of the corner of your eye, you watch as Spencer pulls up the sheet self-consciously, visibly becoming more worried as he realizes he's wearing nothing but his underwear. Flashbacks to him without the sheet come to your mind. He looks almost as shocked as you. "What are you doing in my bed?” Spencer is beginning to put two and two together, you can hear it in his voice and see it on the blush that appears on his cheeks. Oh lord, knowing him, he’s going to freak out over this, and then where will you be? You’ve messed up, haven’t you?

He sits up, pushing his hair from his face. It falls back immediately, revealing that his forehead is covered in sweat. Maybe you should have woken him up after all. You search his face for any sign of what to do and you realize his eyes are staring back into yours, waiting for an answer.

But your head is whirling and all this confusion and panic is making your stomach churn, and the alcohol from last night is not helping in the slightest. "I… Don't know." You say shakily. “This is bad. This is my fault. I shouldn't have had so much to drink last night. I have no idea what we did last night, but I'm pretty sure it must have been something stupid. Really stupid." This fake relationship was supposed to be a cut and dry situation, not so complicated.

Spencer blinks, obviously confused by your words.

You ignore him. "Listen, Spencer, let's agree to pretend that this never happened and never speak of it again. Besides, it's not like it matters anyway, right?” You propose, running a hand through your hair. "I should just go…" Heart beating frantically, eyes to the floor, you try to make a mad dash for the door.

"Don't." Spencer is faster than you. Damn tall people and their long legs. He slams his bedroom door before you can even reach it. “We need to have this conversation.”

"No, we don't." You argue weakly. "We should keep it as a secret. A big fat one that we'll never talk about it again."

His expression hardens. "We are not keeping anything from each other, Y/N."

"It’s already gotten so out of hand. Can we please just drop it?” You ask.

"Will you just look at me?" He urges. Your face burns, but he’s right, of course. Biting your lip, you look up at him. Less shocked now, he swallows. “You're my best friend. I don't… I don't want you to freak out and run away and not talk to me for weeks or so…”

"What do you want, then?" You snap at him. "What the hell do you expect me to do? Just be okay with it? It's not like this has ever happened to me before!"

He scoffs. "We're FBI agents, right? Let's do what we do best and try to deduce what might have happened. I'm sure that if we walk through the events of last night, we'll find something that might jog your memory. Plus, it'll give us a chance to discuss what we're feeling."

"Feelings?" You scoff. "Is that what you think this is? Feelings?" Rather than say anything, you walk over to the bed and sit down gingerly. You cross your arms in front of your chest, and Spencer raises an eyebrow at your gesture. "Wait a minute... Something that might jog my memory? You don't remember it either? Not even with your eidetic memory?"

The way Spencer flinches makes you feel awful. Why would you say such things? "I just meant-"

"You didn't mean anything bad by it, I know." Spencer cuts you off. "And when I get that drunk my memory is not that different from a regular person. Alcohol inhibits aspects of the function of regions in the hippocampus that govern short term and long term memory, so in that sense-”

“Answer me, Reid.” You demand, crossing your arms. You have the suspicion Spencer remembers more than he's letting on.

“Hm…” He swallows, looking a bit guilty. Spencer puts his hands on his eyes, as if closing them will help his brain work a bit better. You’ve never seen Spencer get stumped trying to recall something. “I don't remember all of it. Just some bits."

You furrow your brow, wondering how he could not remember everything.

"Do you remember going to the club with me?" He asks carefully.

"Yeah, of course."

"And drinking something called body shots” Despite the pounding in your temple and sloshing in your stomach, some whisper of sense makes it through.

“Yes, that's right. We went to a club downtown and drank those.” You say, remembering that much.

"How many did you have?" Spencer presses, his voice a little sharper than normal.

"Um, I don't know." You frown, looking around the room. "Anything else?"

“I remember us singing that song you like at karaoke, about the ballerina from Los Angeles, what is it called?”

"Umm..." You hesitate. "Tiny Dancer?”

"Right, Tiny Dancer." Spencer nods. "You were very particular about having to sing that for me and we danced. And then we took some pictures in the booth." He stops, looks at you, nervous about his next choice of words. "Then I… Uh. I remember exactly how you were laughing when I was falling over drunk. And then I...I remember kissing you, I guess you could technically call it making out, on a couch. But the rest of it, I don't really remember."

You're so shocked, you can barely breathe. "What?!" You gasp.

Spencer sighs, rubbing his forehead. "I guess at some point Penelope thought it would be a good idea to call us a car home. I don’t remember what I said or the exact facial expressions of the Uber driver, but I wasn't exactly paying attention to him.” Flashes of you and Spencer shamelessly making out in the backseat of a car and then in the elevator come to your mind.

"Oh my God," You groan. "This is so embarrassing."

"Yeah, well, I'm glad you don't remember." Spencer says. "I'm sorry I kissed you."

"No, no! Don't apologize. That's not what I meant."

"How did I end up on your bed?"

"You took off your clothes because you wanted to feel more comfortable, so I gave you my shirt to sleep in." He tells you. "I thought you looked cold, so I put a blanket over you. And then I fell asleep."

You feel embarrassed at the thought of having been naked in front of him. Spencer keeps his face downwards, as if he’s ashamed. His hair is a mess, you note. And you’re pretty sure there’s a hickey on his neck.

"Did we…?" You tentatively ask.

"We didn't do anything else." Spencer says quickly. You are a bit unconvinced, looking at your best friend's bare chest.

"C'mon, Spence, I'm wearing your underwear."

"Yes, but…" He looks like he wants to say something, but then he stops, quickly reconsidering whatever he was about to say. "For starters, there’s no forensic evidence. Nothing’s dried on my leg. There’s no wrapper on the floor, if that’s what you’re wondering."

"Forensic evidence?" You ask, confused.

"There's none, I’m telling you. We didn’t do it. But that's a good thing, right? Well, not good because I don’t want to. N-Not that I want to! I mean, if you asked and-” He stops for a second to catch his breath. “I just mean, it's good… because I was very drunk.”

You give him a sympathetic look. "You shouldn't feel bad about this. This isn't your fault. I’m sorry for making out with you, I shouldn’t have."

He gives you a weak smile. "Don't feel sorry. It was thoroughly enjoyable.” Immediately, Spencer cringes at his choice of words and judging by the way your eyebrows raise, you are just as surprised by them. "It was. Trust me, I wouldn't lie about that."

Your cheeks flush red. “Thoroughly enjoyable?” You tease him.

“Yeah,” his reply is short, but his voice is more confident than it had been a moment prior. He quickly turns the subject away from your drunk shenanigans. “Is your head feeling alright? You were pretty hammered, after all."

You nod, still staring at Spencer's toned chest. "Yeah, my head is killing me. Remember me not to drink ever again. I swear I used to be able to hold my liquor better.”

"Well, let's get you up and moving. I'll walk you to the bathroom." Spencer says, standing up. He offers his hand and helps you stand, which makes your heart skip a beat once again. "While you're there, I’ll see if I find us some Tylenol, yeah?”

“Sounds like a plan.” You nod, and Spencer gives you a tiny smile in return.

When you leave the bathroom, you're feeling much better. Your headache has subsided a lot and your stomach seems to be doing fine. You decide to take advantage of the extra time to look for your clothes, but thankfully, once you return to the bedroom, Spencer’s waiting for you with the rest of your outfit neatly folded on his bed, that’s been nicely made as well. Only his presence can distract you from how shitty you feel right now. You wordlessly thank him and start dressing. You notice from the corner of your eye how he seems to be in trance observing you.

"What?" You ask, putting on your bra.

"Nothing." He says quickly, averting his eyes and acting like he hadn't even noticed your gaze. Spencer clears his throat, breaking out of the spell and offering you a glass of water and some ibuprofen, “This will help with your headache.”

You take it without saying a word, knowing you won't get anywhere with him if you ask any questions. he water is cold and you take a large gulp of it, realizing how thirsty you actually are.

"What time is it?" you ask.

"A little before eleven." He answers, looking at the clock on his phone. "I'm brewing some coffee and I'm pretty sure there's enough eggs in the fridge to make an omelette, if you want.”

"I should really get home and get some rest. But thanks, Spence." You say, looking at Spencer as the words came out of your mouth. You consider staying for a moment, but the possible implications of that make your mind worry once again. You know you would regret it later. So, you simply say 'thanks' and a straightforward, as-fast-as-possible “bye!” followed by a casual sprint out of his apartment.

As soon as you enter your own building, you do the logical thing and stop to assess your feelings. Thinking back to your training at the Academy, you focus on your breath. Just 5 to 10 minutes is enough time to get a quick roundup of what’s brewing inside your mind.

Closing your eyes, and putting aside the fact that you’re still very hungover, stressing too much over the situation will only make things worse, the two of you are best friends and best friends understand each other. But, you’re not just best friends, are you? You’re also in this confusing fake relationship and, fake or not, romantic relationships are complicated.

So, you tell yourself, it's all fine. You have nothing to be afraid of, besides your own doubts and fears. It doesn't take long for your thoughts to float off to a handful of brown hair curled at the nape of a neck, to plump pink lips, sharp bones and a warm hazel gaze.

Spencer. Your best friend. The person you’ve slept with. The person you kissed. The person you’re - you’re not sure if real or not - dating. Spencer.

After a few moments of deep breathing, you open your eyes. You don't think it's necessary to call him and talk to him about anything. You've done that many times before and you know it's only going to make things harder.

You stop to think of all of the signs. For the last few months you haven’t even thought about those other fish in the sea, gone are the days of swiping right on dating apps or meeting other potential partners. And you can’t seem to stop thinking about Spencer, far beyond what’s acceptable between friends. You think back to him sleeping next to you, his chest bare and his eyes closed and it makes you feel… It makes you feel something you’re not willing to admit aloud.

Are you in love?

You shake your head to clear the thought. No, you aren't. You're not. You can't be. Can you? How would you even know? If you ask any of your friends, they will respond with "you’ll know when you know," "it's hard to describe," or something equally vague, all of which, needless to say, is incredibly unhelpful. Not to mention it would expose your fake relationship to them. And that’s one of the few rules you and Spencer have set up. Even if you’ve already broken some of them, you can’t brush all of them aside so easily.

Okay, maybe you don’t know if you're in love, but you do know how you feel. You feel happy, comfortable, safe, and yes, you feel loved. But love isn't just being in love. Right?

· · ─────── · ♡ · ─────── · ·

EASTER

St. Patrick’s Day passes by in a blur, as the BAU is way too busy with another murder case across the country to participate in the annual tradition of throwing on your best green attire, painting your faces with four-leaf clovers and drinking inappropriate amounts of Guinness. Normally, you would be sad to miss out on the celebrations, but now you’re glad to avoid being in the same room as Spencer and a bottle of alcohol after what happened on Valentine's Day.

In fact, you’ve been doing this awkward dance of being anywhere but near him, getting out to the field more often than ever before, even if you end up with a few cuts and bruises. It hasn't been easy, but it has worked. At least for a couple of weeks.

You've decided to stuff those emotions, deep, deep down in a dark tunnel that no one can find. You start working more and more hours to avoid your emotions. And in the meantime, you keep telling yourself that you're just good friends. You take twice as usual to work on your case files. So much so, that Hotch, who is usually the last one to go home and, under normal circumstances, would be the only one at the office late at night, has to order you to go home and rest.

When you can’t be physically away, on the shared jet rides or long drives, you fall asleep to avoid having to talk to Spencer. You're so afraid of what you feel whenever you simply look at him, that you're scared you might end up confessing something and ruining everything.

You find something to fill out your free time. Yoga classes, lunch with college friends you haven’t seen in years, you even sign up for acupuncturist appointments. You make up excuses. Because you need to make sure that you are truly in love with him, and not in love with the idea of him.

And, guess what? The feelings are still there. They don’t go anywhere.

Of course, Spencer notices your odd behavior and you know better than to think he’d be oblivious to your behavior. But he’s not the only one.

Derek, who is arguably the most hands-on of your team, becomes a bit suspicious of your behavior, but he knows how it feels to be struggling with feelings, so he lets it slide for a while. Even Rossi can sense you're not acting as your usual self, and he corners into the kitchen asking how you and Spencer would feel about a dinner at his place. You make up some silly excuse, claiming that you're taking some foreign language lessons late at night. Emily asks you a couple of times if you’re doing okay, and you tell her that you’re completely fine. A lie. One you manage to tell with a straight face.

These are the people closest to you, the ones you call first when something important happens, whose best and worst sides you know through and through. And you’re lying to them. You know it's wrong. You know you should deal with this, but your fear of losing that friendship—your precious friendship—is greater than the fear of telling them the truth.

Still, lying takes its toll on you and you can’t feel at ease when you are hiding things from the people that are so close to you. Feelings don't just "go away" if you ignore them - they come out in other, usually destructive ways.

And when negative things come your way, Spencer is usually the only one who can actually comfort you. He is your safe space and the shoulder where you leave all your tears. But there's no way you could talk to him about this.

It's during Easter that JJ, who knows better than to ignore one of her teammates presenting signs of being under stress, manages to get you to speak up. You are, once again, in Rossi's backyard, and the kids (that is, Jack and Henry) are running around hunting for eggs when she notices you hanging alone by the table while everyone else is happily enjoying the food and the company. She stops by, sits next to you and asks you about your weird behavior.

She sees right through you. “Okay, Y/N, I think we should talk about what’s going on between you and Spencer.”

“What do you mean?” You ask, your tone regrettably biting. “There’s nothing going on.”

“Don’t do that, I’ve known you for years, Y/N." JJ scolds, cutting you off. "You two are usually inseparable but you’ve been avoiding him like the plague for the past few weeks. So, are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

Your head hangs low and you can feel the heat rising to your cheeks.

JJ looks at you with concern written all over her face. "Y/N?"

"I'm sorry, JJ. This is so hard to say,” You swallow. “But I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

"What do you mean?" She asks, her brow furrowed. "You... you want to break up with him?"JJ concludes before you say anything, the surprise evident in her voice. She sounds very confused. “But…Why? I thought things were going great with you two.”

"I know," you sigh. "But, I think I have very strong feelings for him."

"How exactly is that a problem?"

"I just don’t think that he feels the same way about me. And I have no idea how to tell him without messing up what we have.” You confess, doing your best to hide that your relationship is fake.

"Well, maybe he doesn’t know either, Y/N." JJ suggests. "Maybe you should try talking to him about this, see where it leads you. It might turn out that he feels the same way you do, and then you won't have to worry about anything."

"No, JJ, you don't understand. What I feel for him is exactly the thing I should be worried about."

JJ is silent. She tilts her head to the side, letting out an audible sigh. "Are you sure you need to break up? Maybe you just haven't found the right time to tell him yet."

"What?"

"Look, Y/N, if I were you, I wouldn’t worry too much. I think it’s plain to all of us that Spencer is in love with you too."

"Oh my god." You gasp. Now that JJ says it, you realize what might have been blatantly obvious for years. Love. The word you’re unable to say, hell, even think about. A word that brings mixed emotions that well up inside you. Before you can say anything, she continues. "The way he looks at you when he thinks no one is watching. The way he lights up whenever you walk into a room. You two are made for each other."

You're still frozen, not knowing how to react.

"Spence's a good guy, but he's never been very good with expressing his feelings, that's why he's probably struggling to tell you how exactly he feels. You look like you might throw up, though.” She gives you a sympathetic rub on the back.

This whole thing is pretend. Make-believe. Fake. Maybe, this entire thing is a mistake. Realistically, you know you shouldn’t have gotten yourself in this situation in the first place. But why do you feel like no matter what happens next, you both are going to get hurt? "Why is this so hard?" you think aloud.

JJ takes a deep breath. "Well, it's always hard saying those three little words. I know I was super nervous about saying them to Will. But one day you’ll wake up and realize that you simply cannot keep it to yourself any longer, and you‘ll want him to know how you feel.” JJ advises you. "But don't doubt for a second that boy is anything other than head over heels for you.”

"Thanks, JJ.” You look at your friend and do your best to smile so she knows you're feeling a bit better after talking about what's bothering you.

JJ nods. "Good luck, okay? I hope everything works out for the best. But I mean every single thing I've said. You should talk to Spence, it's breaking my heart seeing the two of you avoid each other."

"Thank you, JJ." You hug her tight before walking away.

"I will. I just need a little time." You admit. "And maybe some chocolate or something.”

She laughs. "Okay, I'll bring you some later.” She walks towards where Henry and Will are picking up some of the cute little hand painted eggs around Rossi's lawn. That’s when you notice Spencer looking in your direction. Your eyes meet and you wave at him. You feel the sudden shift in the air. It’s as if the temperature increases and drops at the same time, sending a chill down your spine. Spencer smiles at you, unaware of what you had just talked about with JJ, and says something to Will that you can’t quite make out from the distance before he walks up to you.

"Y/N." He greets you with a warm smile.

You can hardly stand to look at him. Not because of how close you are standing to him, but because you can sense the way his body is reacting. There's a warmth radiating off of him that makes your cheeks flush. "Hey, Spencer."

"Is everything okay?"

"Why do you ask?"

“You looked upset while you were talking with JJ. And you’ve been avoiding me.” It’s not a question, but a statement. “Is this about Valentine’s Day? We’ve already agreed to pretend like nothing happened, but if it's bothering you, then maybe we should discuss what that means for us…”

You notice his choice of words, but shake your head no. ‘’It’s not about that.’’

"Then what is it? I can’t know what’s going on if you just avoid me.”

You take a deep breath, trying to calm your racing heart. “I just…" You start, not finding the right words. "Never mind, it’s nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me, Y/N. Not you.” He pleads.

“Sorry, I’m not good at this stuff.”

“At what, talking?”

“Yeah, talking. Communicating. Relationship stuff. It's just... This is... If we were in a relationship,I'd become a weird, scary version of myself, and… After a couple months, my throat starts to constrict, the walls start throbbing. Like an emotional peanut allergy.”

He looks at you with concern. "Do you think I'm hurting you?"

"No," you say quickly. "I don't think that. Why would you? I don't think that. It's something I heard in a movie." You both laugh. A moment of silence passes and you feel yourself relax.

"Tell me what's bothering you." He pleads.

Your voice is barely above a whisper. "What if I mess up this whole scenario? What if everyone finds out and you end up hating me?"

"That won't happen." He assures you. "We aren't just pretending here, Y/N."

"What?"

"I know this seems like a game. But it's not. We're best friends, and we're going to go through this together." His eyes search yours for clues. You know you should tell him how you feel, and soon, because the longer you wait the more likely it is that telling him your feelings means things between you two are over. It’s going to be awkward as hell, and he might end it as soon as you tell him, but you know it’s the right thing to do and if you don’t, it will just be hanging over your head the whole time.

But you don’t.

You make up the first excuse that comes to your mind: “I’ve told my mother we were dating, and she's visiting D.C. in a few weeks, so now she wants to have lunch with you on Mother’s Day.”

Spencer is confused by your response, but doesn’t press you further. Instead he reaches his hand out for you to take, and you do. “Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?” He asks, incredulous. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“I don’t know. I was nervous because I didn’t want to put you on the spot and force you to go to an event you didn't want to.”

"Well, the pressure is off. I'll enjoy it either way." Spencer smiles, relieved. "I'll get to spend time with my best friend, after all. And isn't he point of this holidate thing that we get to have someone for all of the holidays? Big or small."

"I guess…"

"Besides, I'd love to meet your mom."

"Really?" You turn around to face him.

"I've never met anyone's parents before." He says, looking down at the ground.

You clear your throat nervously.

"It's a date then!" you say jokingly, hoping to hide all the feelings that rush through you. You'll tell him later. It’s not like you make a decision not to tell him. You’re just… delaying it. It’s an uncomfortable conversation and it will likely mean that you end up losing the best relationship - can you call it that? - you’ve had for the longest time and your best friend at the same time. You’ll find the right time to do the right thing. Just. Not yet.

· · ─────── · ♡ · ─────── · ·

MOTHER'S DAY

Surprisingly, all the energy you had been wasting worrying about what is going on with you and your best friend has been shifted to worrying about the idea of Spencer meeting your mom. Well, it's not that surprising if you consider how your mother usually acts around new people. Of course, you want things to go well and for everyone to like one another, but you have the nagging suspicion that your mother won’t make that easy.

You're cringing at the thought of all of the questions she's going to have for him. Still, something inside you tells you that somehow Spencer will be able to handle all of them. He's your best friend, after all, he knows you better than everyone else. You know it's perfectly natural to expect that the meeting will be awkward or that someone will say something that totally embarrasses you. But still, you really wish you didn’t have to subject your best friend to this. Why did you have to come up with this? You’re almost wishing you had just broken up with him instead.

You stop thinking about that when you remember that you got your hair done yesterday and you have to look your best. Your mother always comments on your looks and you don't want her to have the opportunity to mention anything bad.

When you and Spencer finally arrive at the restaurant where you two will meet your mother, you have to sit him down and give him some essential background information about her personality. If there’s one thing Spencer has to know before getting tangled up in this mess, it’s the fact that, as opposed to Diana, who gushes over her brilliant son at every given chance (and who can blame her, really?), your mother is not as affectionate. It’s been like that ever since you can remember, so you’re used to it, but Spencer might find it strange, so you have to warn him.

"Before she arrives, I need to warn you: my mother can be a lot, don't let her charms fool you. She will, for sure, complain about what I’m wearing or about what I order to eat.” You look down at your dress, smoothing out one of the folds of the fabric. "Oh, and she hates the fact that I work for the FBI.”

“What? Why?” He sounds profoundly confused.

"Because she thinks it’s not a feminine job or whatever. Since I was born, she thinks I should get married and become a stay at home mom just like she was at my age.”

"Wow, that's… That's pretty fucked up."

"Yeah. She’s been pressuring me to bring someone home ever since I graduated from college.” You sigh. "I don't think she likes the idea of me being single, even though I'm not trying to be."

He gives you a look that can only be described as pity. “It’s fine, really. But that means she can’t doubt for a single second that we’re together. As far as she’s concerned, we are perfectly, completely in love with one another.”

“Well, seeing as we interview serial killers for a living, I’m sure I’ll manage to survive a lunch with your mother.”

“Don’t be so sure, you haven’t met her yet.”

Your phone rings and when you check the screen, you see your mother's name flashing across the display. You put the phone away without answering it.

"She wants to make sure we're here." You let out. Your palms are sweating, you attempt to dry them of your dress. "She does that a lot."

Spencer's eyes narrow as he takes in your appearance.

"You look great," He says as reassuringly as possible. "And don't worry. We're a team. I’ll be by your side the whole time.” Spencer promises gently. “And, if you ever want to leave just tell me and we’ll go.”

"Thanks." You smile at him, feeling reassured. “Just be your most charming, respectful self.”

"I'll do my best."

Even though you feel more confident now, you still get nervous when the hostess leads your mother towards your table. Her eyes quickly glance around the room, surely inspecting if this restaurant is a respectable establishment, another subtle reminder that she doesn't trust your judgment whatsoever. You stand up to greet her, not because you want to, but because you know she'll complain if you don't.

"Mom." You acknowledge her.

Her eyes are narrowed, inspecting your from head to toe. You've known this woman for your whole life and she still manages to intimidate you sometimes. Even though she's almost sixty, you have to admit that she has an elegant presence. It's hard not to notice her as soon as she enters the room.

“Well, look at you, honey.” Your mother’s voice rings sharply. “And my future son-in-law. You look quite dashing together.”

You take a moment to register just exactly what your mother says. "S-son in law?"

"Of course. Don't you know what a son in law is?”

You open your mouth to retort, but you freeze when you hear Spencer clearing his throat. She finally turns to face him. “Dr. Spencer Reid. It’s so nice to finally meet you. It’s a shame my daughter didn’t introduce us sooner.” Your mother adds, giving you her signature look of disapproval.

"A pleasure to meet you, ma'am." Spencer bows.

"And I'm sorry for the delay. I wanted to make sure you got here on time. I’ve heard so much about you.” She smiles politely, but she doesn't miss the way Spencer's eyes linger on her.

“Oh,” he says, just a touch awkwardly. “Only good things, I hope." He shots you a questioning glance, but you just smile innocently at him. Your mother notices how he doesn’t offer a hand up to her.

“Spencer doesn’t like to do handshakes.” You explain, but your mother looks offended. She takes a moment to recollect herself, before continuing.

“Oh, I suppose that’s okay, long as you don’t call me ma’am. It makes me feel old. Now. Let's order some food. I'm starving.” She fixes her gaze on the menu.

“What do you want to eat?” You ask, trying to act as normal as possible.

“I don't care, dear. I'm going to go ahead and pick for myself." Of course, she always puts her needs above anyone else's. When the waiter arrives, she orders the same thing Spencer ordered. You follow suit.

Soon enough, lunch is served, the food is amazing and you feel yourself relax a bit as your mom surprisingly manages to have a pleasant meal with you and Spencer. You attribute that to the fact that she’s too busy talking about the food. Spencer puts his hand on your tight under the table and you feel your body relax. It's when the meal is over and you're sipping some tea that the questioning begins.

After the waiter leaves, your mother turns her attention back to you. "So, tell me, Spencer, you must be quite exceptional for my daughter to be so smitten with you. I've never seen her talk about anyone the way she talks about you. I was almost giving up on her finding someone.”

"Thank you." Spencer nods appreciatively.

“It’s Mother’s Day, remind me again why we’re talking about my personal life?” You protest.

"Darling, I'm your mother. I have a right to know what my child is doing with her life.”

“You have two other children.” You remind her.

“But you’re the one I worry about.” She says, before facing Spencer directly. She stirs her tea before taking a sip. “So, Dr. Reid, what are your intentions with my daughter?”

You can't help but feel embarrassed by the question, even though it's one you've been dying to ask as well. “What?” Spencer stammers.

“What are your intentions with my daughter?” your mother repeats. “Do you want to marry her? Hm? Date her? Or are you just 'fuck buddies', like the kids say?”

You begin to sputter and choke as you set down your cup. “Mom” you manage to croak.

“I will accept all three options.” She replies, as if she's reading off a script.

"No, Mom!" You cry out. "Spencer and I aren't…we haven't-" The words die in your mouth when you see Spencer's jaw clench.

Your mom ignores you. “You’re a handsome man. You’ll make a good husband for my daughter.” She tells Spencer.

“We’re not engaged.” You tell her, voice flat.

Your mother chuckles. “Not now, but you will be. Give it time. In a year, there could be a baby on the way. Now, I’ll ask again, Spencer, what are your intentions with my daughter?”

You turn to face him. “You don’t need to answer that.”

Spencer frowns. "I think I do."

"Please, I'm begging you. Don't." You plead.

Spencer looks away from you, then back at your mother. “Me and your daughter,” Spencer starts nervously. “To be honest, I don’t really know what I’d do without her. She’s such a great person. She’s been through a lot and seen the worst of humanity and she’s still such a kind person. To everyone, to me, to our coworkers, to the families of every single murder victim. You should be proud of her. I know I am.” After a pause, he continues. “She’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I’d be happy to stay with her as long as she’ll have me.” He concludes thoughtfully, looking over at you.

“That's very nice to hear.” Your mother says, nodding.

"And," Spencer adds, "if she wants to get married or whatever. I'd love to do that." Does this boy know what he does to you? That every single smile he gives you makes him burrow himself deeper into your heart? Does he know that you can no longer picture a future without him in it? Most of all, does he actually feel the same? Or is he that good of an actor that he has managed to fool you too? You feel sick to your stomach.

Your mother beams up at him, smiling more brightly now. "I will not lie, I was rather wary at the thought of you at first. But... I trust my daughter’s judgment. You found yourself a good one. Maybe keep him around.”

“Maybe.” You say, your guts twisting at the thought of confessing how much you want to keep him around for real.

“Maybe.” he echoes.

After the meal, you and Spencer give your mom a ride to the airport. Surprisingly, she doesn't make any comment about your job at the FBI this time. You also manage to stay on your best behavior, maybe because whenever your mother opened up her mouth, Spencer squeezed your leg. It's so weird how you two can communicate with just a touch.

When your mother leaves, you two drive to your apartment, in silence. When you pull the door open, you say. "Seems like the evening wasn't so bad, after all, huh?” You say, as you close the door to your car. He gets out too, probably choosing to walk to his place. You notice he seems deep in thought. “Hey, Spence, come on. I was just teasing.” Mostly. When his serious expression doesn't fade, you continue. “Hey. Talk to me. What are you thinking?”

He sighs, trying to get his thoughts in order. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m- I’m all in, a hundred percent, you know I am. I just… I want to make sure you’re not…”

“I’m not going anywhere.” You assure him.

"I know that. But... are you pretending to be dating me because you're scared?”

“What?!” You bark. “No! I just…" Damn those profiling skills.

"You're scared."

You nod.

"You?" He surprises you with a laugh. “Since when have you been afraid of anything?”

“Scared, not afraid.”

Spencer raises his eyebrows in clear disbelief, but his expressions softens. "But… Why?”

"Because I'm clearly terrible at dating!”

"No, you're not."

"Spence, don't. After so many attempts at failed relationships, it gets tiring. I mean, it’s not like I care, after so many bad dates, vapor trails, and men who are just emotionally available enough to keep me around but won’t let anything progress, I’ve learned to accept it. It just hurts to know that love is not in the cards for me. If it wasn't for our fake relationship I would be alone."

"I wouldn't have guessed that." Spencer muses, reaching out and grabbing your hand. You look down at your palm, seeing the outline of his fingers pressed against yours. "I don't think you're incapable of finding someone to love."

"But I'm incapable of letting myself love them."

“Of course you aren't. You're strong, independent, and beautiful. People like you are hard to find." He says.

"Thanks, I guess?" You laugh in self-deprecation.

"You're welcome. But I mean it, I would hate to feel like you've agreed to be in this fake relationship with me because you're scared of what the real world could offer you."

"Well, I am kinda scared. But I'm happy to be your fake girlfriend."

His laughter is music to your ears. "Good. I'm happy to be your fake boyfriend too. But, now, fake lover, I should probably go home and call my mom. Still haven't wished her a happy mother's day. She might kill me if I forget again."

“I'll see you tomorrow, then?”

“Sure." He says, smiling one last time before leaving.

· · ─────── · ♡ · ─────── · ·

FOURTH OF JULY

Every year you look forward to the annual Fourth of July FBI barbecue. The food, the fireworks, the water fights, and most importantly, the FBI family gathering. It's tradition. It's so nice to get a chance to meet all the wives and husbands from your co-workers, and even their kids. Actually, you usually end up partying more with the kids than the adults anyway. It's where all the fun happens. It feels so good to see all your co-workers have a relaxing afternoon for once. That's what makes the summer so great.

Once again, Rossi offers his house as the venue, he's probably one of the few agents rich enough to have a yard large enough to hold the celebrations. You are more than happy to take the opportunity to kick back and relax. All you really needed was a cold beer and some grilled meat.

This time, you and Spencer agree to meet up at the party. By the time you arrive, he's already there, doing some magic tricks to entertain a bunch of the kids. They look hypnotized. Spencer's really good, you bet he could have a side gig as a magician if he wanted to. You were about to head over to him when you heard a familiar voice behind you.

"Agent Y/L/N!" You turn around to find Special Agent Thomas standing behind you, smiling widely and waving. "It's so nice to see you again! How's the BAU been treating you?" He used to be your boss years ago, when you first started working at the FBI. Now, he's married to another agent, and they have a baby girl.

"The BAU has been great. A lot of job, but I'm glad to be working with such amazing people." You say, giving him a hug.

"I'm glad to hear that. Rossi also mentioned that you and Dr. Reid are together now."

You freeze for a second before breaking out into a huge grin. "Yeah, we are!"

"Congratulations! I hope you enjoy being an FBI couple as much as I do." He jokes.

"Oh, I'm sure we will." You laugh.

"So, how does it feel, finally having someone you can share these long hours with?" He asks.

"We've only had a few months so far, but it's been great."

"Good to hear. Now, excuse me, I think my wife is looking for me." Thomas says with a smile as he leaves you. You decide that a burger sounds pretty damn good. You need to fuel up for whatever shenanigans the kids will be getting into later.

As you wait for your food, you notice Spencer talking to one of the other FBI agents. He looks happy and relaxed, something you haven't seen very often. You decide to join him.

"Hey, Spence," You say as you sit next to him on the patio bench.

He turns towards you, smiling slightly. "Hey. You seem awfully chipper today."

"I am, actually. It's nice to see everyone so relaxed. So many of us are married now, or have kids, and it's just so great to see them all." You reply.

Spencer nods. "Yeah, I know what you mean."

"I also saw you practically charm those kids back there. Do you ever get tired of using your magic tricks to entertain people?" You ask.

"No, never. I think it's really important to keep practicing new things, especially after you've built yourself a reputation. Also, it's so much fun to watch the reactions of people." He laughs.

"What kind of trick did you use to put them under?" You ask curiously.

"Oh, it was just a simple disappearing card trick. It's easy enough for anyone to pick up." He replies.

"I guess I don't understand why you'd want to learn tricks like that when you're an actual genius. It seems redundant." You joke. He laughs.

Jack, Hotch's son, approaches you with a water gun on his hand. "Want to play?" He asks. You nod eagerly.

"Sure, kiddo. We can shoot each other!" You say cheerfully.

"Awesome!" Jack exclaims, taking aim at your head. You duck to avoid the stream of water.

"That was close." You chuckle. Then, suddenly, Henry also appears, giggling. You shoot him in the face too.

"Ow!" He cries, rubbing his cheek.

You laugh. "Sorry." You apologize.

"Don't worry about it, it was kinda funny actually." He says. That's when you notice their plan is to team up against you. You look over to Spencer, but he seems distracted by a conversation happening at the grill. Jack and Henry approach you from either side, laughing.

"Hey, boys, now, no need to let me soaked, okay? We can play this game together instead." You warn them. You notice Spencer watching you from afar. He smiles at you, before quickly returning his attention to the grill. You lose attention for a second until both of the kids start to spray you with water.

"Ahh!" You scream, jumping away from them.

"Ha ha, gotcha!" Jack laughs. You play along, running from them. The two boys chase you, trying to get you wet. You hide behind a picnic table, hoping they'll give up soon. Unfortunately, they find you easily enough. You continue running around the yard, a few other kids joining them in your pursuit. You suppose it must look silly to other adults to see a grown up woman playing with them, but the kids mean no harm. They're just having fun.

Henry and Jack grab onto your arms, pulling you down to the grass. You fall on top of them, laughing.

"Alright, that's enough!" You holler. "Now, who wants to get into the pool?" You suggest. Both boys nod eagerly. You help them out of the grass, and into the pool. It's warm and refreshing, and you wish you could stay here forever. You kick off your shoes and wade into the water. Soon enough, some of the other adults and more kids are also in the water. You go underwater and come back up with a big splash. The kids all shriek.

The rest of the day passes too fast, and you're exhausted by the time everyone starts to set up the fireworks. Spencer and some of the other men go around the house preparing the fireworks. Some of them clap whenever something explodes. Penelope and Emily find you.

"What is it about men and explosives?" asks Penelope.

"I guess they just love blowing shit up." You laugh.

Emily rolls her eyes. "Are you sure that's what it is?" She teases. You giggle.

"What do you mean?"

"Cmon, it's like jacking off." Emily says.

"What?"

"If they’re not fucking, they’re dreaming about fucking, or blowing stuff up." She explains.

You blush. "So, they’re all down there right now thinking about…?" Penelope asks, almost giggling.

"Let's just say I don't think we should be surprised if they start shooting off fireworks at any minute." Emily says. The three of you laugh.

Suddenly, you hear a loud explosion. "What the hell was that?!" You gasp.

"Shit, Spencer must have missed one." Emily sighs. "It's fine though. He'll figure it out."

"Yeah, good thing he's got a magic wand." Penelope jokes.

"Pen-" You start to reprimand her, but soon enough someone rushes in your direction.

"Hey, do any of you know if we have a first aid kit by chance? Maybe Band-Aids." He asks.

You look at him. "Um... Why?" You ask

"It's Spencer, he – he just blew off his finger, a little bit." He says, nervously.

"Is he okay?" You ask, looking to the others.

"Well, he's going to be fine. It's not bad." Emily says, trying to reassure you. You rush in Spencer's direction. Hotch has already stepped into dad mode and is trying to calm Spencer. The rest of the adults stand nearby, watching with curious expressions. "Rossi, go get some ice and a baggie. JJ, find something to make a tourniquet. Do we have the finger?"

Spencer looks up, not noticing you. You see there's a lot of blood near his hand. Hotch turns to you: "He’s in shock. Get him to the hospital."

"What?! No! It's fine!" Spencer protests.

Hotch holds Spencer's head in his hands. "Spencer, you're going to the hospital whether you want to or not. Y/N, have you got your car?"

You look around. "No, I'm sorry."

"Then get him to my car," Hotch orders, handing you the keys. "We're going to take him to the hospital."

Spencer nods, and you carry him to Hotch's car. You get him situated in the front seat, and get in the driver's seat. Hotch tells you the directions to the nearest hospital and you drive as fast as it's legally possible.

"Does it hurt really bad?" you ask him.

He shakes his head. "It just stings a bit."

"Really?"

"No, not really! My finger is in a fucking Ziploc bag!"

You burst out laughing. "Sorry, sorry." You say, calming down.

"I'm fine!" Spencer reassures you. "Just keep driving!"

When you arrive at the emergency room, you park and walk over to the entrance. Spencer doesn't even complain when you pull him into the emergency room. You wait for a few minutes before an orderly comes over. He takes Spencer's information. "The doctor will be with you shortly. He’s reattaching a toe."

"What?"

"Oh, no. That's a joke, it's a prosthetic." The orderly explains.

"Oh. Thank God." You exhale. 

A doctor soon approaches you. "So... Sparkler got away from you, did it?

"Uh, It was an M-80, actually."

"That’s gonna hurt. Skin’s a little damaged but it looks like the bone didn’t shatter." He says.

"What does that mean?" You ask.

The doctor looks at you. "Well, I can't be sure until the stitches are removed, but it should heal without much issue. We’ll get you prepped for surgery, okay?"

"Okay." Spencer nods. You spend the next hour waiting while Spencer gets checked out. You've never felt so worried before. It hits you how badly it would hurt if something more serious had happened. You can't picture a world without Spencer Reid in it.

Soon enough, the doctor returns. "Everything went smoothly. We have a couple of weeks of recovery ahead of us, but he'll be fine."

You exhale. "Can I see him?"

"Of course," the doctor says, leading you back to the room. Spencer's bandaged hand is propped up on a pillow. He looks exhausted. "How are you feeling?" you ask.

"They said I'll be alright."

"Good." You say. "You scared me half to death!"

He smiles weakly. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Now, I think I should get you home before I return Hotch's car. How does that sound?"

"Sounds great." Spencer agrees. You help him out of the bed, and then he awkwardly stands. You help him get into the car, and he sits down in the passenger seat. The doctor gave you some painkillers, so Spencer takes one. You buckle him in and drive him home.

He seems a little drowsy. When you pull up to Spencer's house, Spencer gets out of the car and walks towards his door. You help him with it.

"Thanks." He says. Then he lets himself inside and collapses on the couch.

"So, I got your prescriptions right here."

"Thank you."

"And Penelope will be delivering your soup."

"Awesome." Spencer says, closing his eyes. You sit down beside him, looking at him. "And... I called your mom."

"Really? What–What did she say?"

"She didn’t answer. I just left a message. Told her you had a little accident and she should probably give you a call."

Spencer sighs. "Yeah, I guess she will."

You rest your head on his shoulder. "Are you hungry?"

"No, I think I’m good. Look, I– I think I’m fine. I’m really tired."

You nod. "Okay." You kiss his cheek. "Get some sleep. Happy Fourth of July."

"Happy Fourth of July." Spencer murmurs.

You leave Spencer's house, feeling a little better about everything. You go home, take a shower, and crawl into bed. Once you drift off to sleep, you dream about Spencer.

· · ─────── · ♡ · ─────── · ·

HALLOWEEN 

Between July and October, you feel like there's been some serious shift. Things between you and Spencer aren't...platonic anymore. You’re in trouble. You can feel it.

It starts with you and Spencer sitting in the breakroom together. You're eating lunch and chatting. It's casual. It feels normal. So then why do you start thinking about kissing him? Why do you start feeling butterflies in your stomach?

Then, during a particularly tough case, Spencer leans forward and kisses you. You're completely surprised by the suddenness of it all, and you instinctively turn into him. His lips are soft against yours, warm, and you melt.

After that, you begin to notice other things. Like the way he keeps looking at you. Or the way he touches your face. Those are both subtle, but they're there. While Spencer does not seem to care whether or not something changed between you, you do your best to go about your life, pretending nothing is going on.

But then, Halloween rolls around, and Spencer asks you to a party. You agree, simply because you know it's his favorite holiday. Plus, it's not like you could say no.

"Any ideas for a Halloween costume?" you ask him.

"Already on it." Spencer grins. "Should be a lot of fun. Don't worry, you'll like what I have planned."

"Okay," you say, knowing he always has a plan. You want to focus on more important things during the month of October. (Like what Halloween candy you are buying and which Halloween movie you are watching, to name a few.) A few of your colleagues are also going to this party.

When the night arrives, you greet Spencer at his apartment, as he has both of your costumes ready for you to get changed. He hands you a bag with yours, and you excuse yourself to go change. It's a pirate costume, but it is a bit more risqué than you would have imagined.

As soon as you put it on, you feel very self-conscious. You don't usually wear anything too revealing. But you have to admit, it does make your boobs look amazing. And since you're wearing a corset, that means your butt also looks incredible.

Once you're dressed, you come out into the living room. Spencer's also wearing a pirate costume, albeit with more clothing than you have on, and his signature Converse. He looks you over.

"You look amazing," Spencer says. "I told you I'd make sure you looked good."

"Uh, thanks." You blush. "It's a bit more revealing than I would normally go for, but... I'm glad you picked it."

"Me too." Spencer grins. You spot him looking at your chest, and even though you'd normally feel a bit self-conscious, you can't help but notice how nice Spencer's eyes look on you.

"Okay, okay, enough looking at my boobs." You tease.

Spencer laughs. "Oh, I wasn't."

"If you say so." You roll your eyes. "Why the pirate idea, Spence?"

Spencer smirks. "That was the first thing I thought up. Figured it might get a laugh or two."

"Well, you were right."

You two go to the party, and while you and Spencer do find it funny, it doesn't garner much attention from others. "Alright, I think almost everyone is already here." He tells you. "I think I'm going to go find Derek and Emily."

"Go ahead, I'm going to get some candy." you tell him.

"Mmm..." Spencer hums. "I'll catch you later."

You watch him walk away. You decide to go look for the candy bowl, and once you find it, you see that it is full of Hershey bars. Your favorite.

"Hey!" You call out. "There's no Reese's Peanut Butter Cups."

A woman nearby laughs. "What are you talking about?" she asks. You really it's JJ.

"JJ! I didn't know you were coming!" You yell.

"Well, I wasn't, but Garcia made a very convincing argument." She replies.

"What did you have to do?" You ask.

"Nothing too bad. Just convinced me to come." JJ laughs.

"Really?" You grin.

JJ shrugs.

"Where's Will?"

"Oh, he stayed at home with Henry. But, still, I am so excited. This is my first adult party since becoming a mom." JJ says.

"Aw, that's sweet," you reply.

JJ gives you a wink. "Maybe I should bring Henry next year."

You giggle. "He'd love it."

"I don't know, he might get scared. I saw some truly frightening costumes" She suddenly steps back to give you a once over. "Seems like some people have decided to go from dressing up like a princess to a sexy...? Pirate, is it?"

"That's right." You smile.

"You look good in that costume, by the way." She comments.

"Thanks," you blush. "Spencer picked it for me. I figured it would be a little different than the usual witch or vampire."

"Yeah, well, I have to admit, I'm not sure I would have gone for something like that. But you look great!"

"Hey, the angel wings match you. And it suits you." You say.

"Thank you." JJ smiles.

You both go through the candy bowl. "Y/N, you’re gonna be sick if you keep eating that much chocolate." JJ's mother instincts come in.

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna eat all of it." You say.

"True." JJ agrees.

"Come on, let's get some drinks. I'm parched."

JJ follows you to the bar, the party is pretty big, and the whole club is filled with Halloween decorations. Once you reach the bar, you spot Emily and Derek standing there, talking. They don't notice you yet, though.

JJ hands the bartender her glass of water. "Two waters please."

As soon as your drinks arrive, she hands you a glass. "Water?" you ask.

"I'm drinking this one." She replies. "But you should take this one. Oh, and take one of these." She hands you a pill. "It is a preemptive antacid. Just pretend it’s candy."

"Thanks." You pop the pill into your mouth and down the glass of water. "Now, I would like to try one of the themed cocktails. What can you recommend?"

"I think I'll go with a Blood Orange Margarita." The bartender suggests.

"That sounds good." You agree. Emily and Derek join you.

"Damn, girl, you look fire. Reid sure is a lucky boy." Derek tells you.

"Oh, stop it." You laugh.

Emily nods in agreement. "You might make a few heads turn tonight, that's for sure. Although I don't think they will be turning because of how cute you look." She laughs.

"Well, this is what I get for leaving Spencer in charge of costumes. By the way, he was looking for you, I think."

"Oh, yeah, he said he wanted to go find JJ, but I told him we were going to get our drinks." Emily laughs. "Seems like we beat him to it."

"So, what are you supposed to be?" You ask them.

Derek is the first to reply: "Morpheus, from The Matrix, of course."

"It's a bit obvious, isn't it?" Emily laughs.

"What? It's not like I thought it was hard to figure out." Derek scoffs.

"I'm Morticia Addams." Emily tells you. "But a more modern version." Her makeup is amazing and a black dress hugs her body perfectly. It fits perfectly with her personality. "And, of course, JJ is dressed as an angel." She remarks.

JJ giggles. "Hey, I'm a mom, it's not that easy to come up with last minute costumes..." She trails off.

Spencer finally finds you. "Ahoy, mateys!" He shouts.

"Captain Jack Sparrow," you reply.

"Oh, a couples costume?" JJ asks you, noticing you and Spencer are matching.

"Yeah, I've never done something like that. But then again, when have I ever had a chance to attend a party like this?"

JJ laughs. "True." Penelope finally arrives, dressed as Sailor Moon. You wave hello to her.

"Hey, how's my favorite couple doing?" She hugs you and Spencer with both of her arms. "These outfits are awesome."

"Thank you!" You both exclaim.

Penelope takes a seat at the table. "I'm getting so many compliments on my costume. And I even got some guys number." She shows you a napkin with some number on it.

"Oh, is that where you'd run off to, baby girl?" Derek questions.

"Yes, it is, but it is none of your business. So drinks?"

"Immediately." You all say. Penelope comes back with a tray of drinks.

"Trick or treat, party people!" Penelope yells. Everyone cheers and claps, you all take a drink. The night goes on, chatting with new people, dancing with old ones. You dance with Spencer, JJ, Emily, and Derek. You can see how happy everyone looks. Suddenly, your stomach rumbles. "Excuse me," you mumble.

You grab Spencer hand, pulling him to the side of the dance floor. "I don’t feel well." You say.

"Let's get you some water." Spencer says.

"No, no, I really don’t feel well. I’ve had about 50 mini-size candy bars, and a bucket of candy corn." You tell him. "I think I need to vomit." JJ arrives by your side.

"Hey, are you okay?" she asks you.

"She's not feeling very well." Spencer tells her, as he starts to rub your back.

"Oh, sweetie, here have another antacid." JJ hands you a pill.

"You're such a good friend, JJ. But it's so weird, I think it's like the fourth of these I take and they don't seem to help with heartburn." You notice how JJ's face gets pale all of a sudden. "What is it?" You ask.

"Shit. Y/N, this is not an antacid. This is a laxative, I've been taking them since I had Henry, I must have accidentally swapped them." JJ tells you as you start to panic.

"Oh, god. This is so embarrassing." You say, as you feel your intestines clench.

"Y/N, hold on, I'll get you home in no time." Spencer takes you by the arms and walks you away from the crowd. He drives fast, speeding down the road. You gasp in pain, clutching onto the side of the car.

"My tummy hurts." You tell Spencer.

"Sorry, y/n." Spencer apologizes. When you arrive at your building, you rush towards the elevator, desperate to reach a bathroom. Your stomach feels like it's trying to turn itself inside out. It makes a really loud noise. Oh, no.

"Spence, I need you to help me undress." You demand.

"What?" Spencer asks.

"I... I need you to help me undress." You repeat, panting. "Just don’t question! Untie my corset."

"Y/N, what-" Spencer asks, confused. He tries to untie your corset, but his hands shake, and he can't do it.

"The laces! Hurry!" You yell.

"I’m trying, okay? I’m trying! You’re locked up like Houdini in this!" Spencer complains.

"Oh, please, don’t let this happen to me. Fuck! Don’t let me be the girl who shits her pants." you plead to whatever higher power there is. You push yourself forward, pushing your ass against Spencer's chest.

"I'm sorry, almost there! I’m almost there." Spencer moans, as he unties the last of your laces. He carefully pulls it off you, as your stomach spasms uncontrollably. The elevator dings, and you rush to your apartment's door, no time for anything else. You run to the bathroom before it's too late. You sit on the toilet, and your bowels release all its contents.

"Goodbye, cruel world." You mumble.

Through the door, you hear Spencer yelling. "Did you make it?"

"Yeah..." You answer, weakly.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Go away! Just leave me alone until I stop shitting myself." You order, as you wipe yourself clean. You rinse your mouth out, and you crawl into bed.

Spencer sits by the edge of the bed. "Here's some tea. Peppermint, to be precise, did you know that peppermint actually helps with stomach pains?" Spencer hands you a cup of warm, minty liquid.

"Thanks." You take a sip. It does help your stomach.

"Don’t worry, okay? I’m not gonna tell anyone. I promise. And if you ever need anything, I mean, I'm here for you." Spencer says, as you sip more of your tea.

"Thank you. I just hate getting sick." You reply.

"So, I think I'll head home..." Spencer announces.

"You could stay with me. I'm not going anywhere." You tell him. You try to make it obvious how much you'd like someone to comfort you at the moment.

"I appreciate the offer, but I don't want to burden you." Spencer insists.

"You're not being a burden. C'mon, Reid, there's space for both of us on this bed. Besides, I'm not gonna eat or drink anything tonight. I don't want to risk it. So, why don't we just sleep together, until I feel better." You suggest. "I mean, if you want. Don’t feel obligated to stay." You add.

"Obligated?"

"Yeah, Halloween’s over, right? So your obligations as a holidate are officially over until Thanksgiving." you explain.

"Right. I think I'll stay just to make sure you're okay." He crawls under the covers, maintaining some distance from you. Having him so close makes it hard to relax. You try to fall asleep, but Spencer lying by your side makes your stomach flutter. After a while, you turn to him, only to find already looking at you.

"Sorry." Spencer says, a little embarrassed.

"It's okay. I understand. I couldn't get any sleep anyway." You reassure him.

"Is it still hurting?"

"Not really."

"Good, that's good." He says. You notice how he's very close to you. So close you can almost feel his breath on your skin. You wonder if he's thinking about kissing you. He must be. His eyes never stray away from yours. You can see the desire in them. You move closer to him.

"You don't have to do this, Y/N." Spencer warns, his voice barely audible. "There's no one around."

"But I want to." You whisper back.

Spencer takes a deep breath as he moves towards you, hesitantly. His hands grab your waist, pulling you onto his chest. He doesn't let go of you as he gently kisses you. You moan softly, as you lean into him. You pull him closer, and his lips meet yours again. It's like a dam breaks. You kiss him harder, and he responds by kissing you even more passionately. You pull him tighter against you, and you grind your hips into his groin. He groans into your mouth, as you kiss him hungrily.

Soon enough, the little clothing you had on starts to slip off. Your shirt leaves your body, and Spencer's hands start playing with your breasts. Things heat up, the room is filled with nothing but your heavy breathing, mixed with Spencer's grunts as your bodies move together. You're surprised to find out how well you fit together. It feels like you've been made for each other. It's so much better than you expected. You end up doing it multiple times, until you both are too spent to continue.

The next morning, it takes you a moment to realize what you two have done. It's not the physical act that bothers you, no, that was mind-blowing amazing, but rather what that means for your relationship.

After a while, you get up, heading towards the kitchen. Spencer is already dressed, making some coffee.

"Good morning", you tell him.

"Morning." He answers coldly.

You sit down at the table, sipping from your mug. You find his change in behavior odd. He seems distant.

"Are you okay?" You ask, trying to sound casual.

"Listen, Y/N, I've been thinking... I think we should stop." Spencer says, bluntly.

"Stop what?" You ask, confused. "Do you want to stop being friends?”

“No, no, definitely not that.” He clarifies as he finally turns to look at you. ‘’This whole pretend thing,’’ he continues, voice wavering slightly, ‘’I don’t want to do it anymore, it’s not working.’’

Something flickers across Spencer’s face for a fleeting moment – confusion, maybe even hurt – but he tries to hide it in a blank stare. You feel a pang in your chest.

“Why?” is all you ask. “Is it because we had sex?”

Spencer sighs. “No.” He takes a sip of his coffee before continuing. “Yes. It’s just… I can’t pretend anymore.” Spencer awkwardly paces around your kitchen. “See, the thing is, there is a reason why I've been alone all this time. I'm comfortable that way. I agreed to this fake relationship because I thought it would be fun and uncomplicated, and now it’s neither. I know this might seem selfish, but can't want to be your fake boyfriend, or whatever this is. This isn't me. I can't fake my feelings."

"What? Where's this coming from?"

"I've been thinking about this for a long time. I just didn't want to say anything because I wanted you to enjoy yourself." Spencer explains, stumbling over his words. "But I can't keep doing this. Not when I'm starting to feel something for you."

You're in shock. What he said makes no sense.

"What does that mean?" You panic.

"I don't know." He admits. "I want you to be happy, you deserve to be with someone who loves you with every beat of their heart. Someone who will always be there for you, and who will love every part of you, especially your flaws. But above all, you deserve to be with someone you love back. You deserved to be completely bewitched by someone, you deserve butterflies in your stomach…I could go on and on. I know you’re definitely going to meet someone else who you’re utterly crazy about. And they’re going to be a very lucky man. But, please, Y/N, don’t you stay with me just because you’re scared about putting yourself out there. You shouldn’t have to settle for a fake relationship.”

“Is that right? Because right now this doesn't feel fake to me.” You say, trying to get him to realize that’s not how things should go. Tears stream down your face.

Spencer looks at you sadly. He reaches out, taking one of your hands in his. "Stop acting like we are actually in love."

"What..? I am not acting." You stammer.

He shakes his head. "That's what I'm saying. You're pretending. You know you are. Please, don't do it." He begs.

Your eyes widen. You're having a hard time believing what he's telling you.

"We both know this is not real. I've been trying to ignore my feelings, but I can't anymore. I'm sorry, but I think we should stop this."

"Wait, wait, wait. Hold up. You said 'we?' What about me? Am I not allowed to speak?"

"We agreed on the rules. No one else can know. No falling in love with each other. I've broken that rule. Actually, I've been waiting forever to tell you how I feel about you."

"How long?"

"Like years."

Your eyes widen as you look into his. "Years? Like since I first met you?"

"Yeah." He admits. You don't know what to say.

"So, you've had feelings for me this entire time?" You ask.

"Since the day we met. I've never told you though, because I didn't want to ruin our friendship."

"So why did you agree to the rules?" You wonder.

"Because I wanted to be with you." Spencer says. "I knew if I said anything, it would change everything. But now it's too late. I'm afraid that's going to happen anyway. I can't control my feelings anymore. So, I figured this was the best decision, at least for now."

You feel a knot in your stomach. This can't be happening. It's too messy. "I... We can't..."

"I know." He cuts you off, looking away. "It hurts me too. But I have to be honest with myself. I can't keep on deceiving myself, and the only way to do that is to let you go." You’ve never heard him sound so... sad. "Unless you feel the same."

Your head feels fuzzy as if it’s working in slow motion. You watch your best friend’s heart shatter on his face when you stay quiet. You watch those brown eyes search yours, as though looking for an answer.

Your mind is completely blank. There’s a horrible pause where you just stand there, too stunned, shocked and heartbroken to say anything.

"I-I..." You try to hold back your tears. What does all of that mean? Have you been so oblivious to his feelings this whole time?

“Look, I’ll… I’ll stop bothering you. See you on Monday.”

You don’t react to Spencer leaving until it’s too late for you to run after him - still, you try to catch up, but as expected, he’s already driven off. You curse under your breath and run your hands through your hair. You wish you’d known, this is where things would end.

You wish you’d known so you’d never done anything to begin with.

At least now it’s done. You tell yourself it's better this way. That you’ll somehow find a way to stay friends after this.

Right?

· · ─────── · ♡ · ─────── · ·

THANKSGIVING 

It's been nearly a month since you two last spoke. Of course, you're still working together but the awkwardness is definitely there. At least, that's how it seems. You don't know what to think, or what to do. All of your team members notice it, but they don't comment on it. They don't need to. You know exactly what everyone is thinking and feeling behind closed doors. They probably figured out that you two broke up and, well, they're not wrong.

It takes you this whole time to understand what you're feeling. For a fake relationship, the heartbreak feels very realistic. As much as you'd like to move on, it's hard to do. The longer you're apart from him, the more you miss him. You wish you could turn back time, but you can't.

The first week after Halloween, you were in denial. You refused to believe that Spencer had feelings for you. You couldn't have possibly imagined that things could ever turn out like this. Now that you have, suddenly, all the small gestures over the years seemed like his way of telling you he loves you.

Then, two weeks ago you finally accepted it. Now you realize you should have seen it coming. After all, he'd actually given you hints before. You just missed them. You had no idea how deep his feelings went. But, thinking about it, you start to come to terms that maybe the reason why you were single for so long is because, subconsciously, you never really looked for someone. Because you had the best thing right in front of you.

Now, here you are, unable to function properly without him around. It's pathetic, even embarrassing. You've been avoiding Spencer since then, feeling stupid for not having said anything when he confessed his feelings to you back at your house.

That leads us to today. Thanksgiving. You've spent the past two days pretending to be okay. You weren't able to deal with Spencer's presence yet. You needed some space. But, you have to see him today, whether you like it or not. You two have this tradition of working together at a local soup kitchen during the holiday, serving food to the less fortunate.

Everyone that has ever cooked for Thanksgiving Day knows it takes time to prepare. So the night before you meet some other volunteers to get a head start. You arrive at four in the morning and help me heat everything up and loads plates of food onto trays. It's good to say busy, because it helps you avoid talking to Spencer.

When you finally finish putting the last plate of food into a basket, you decide to take a break. The place is empty except for you and a few others who've come early to set everything up. Volunteers also helped gather donated coats, warm pants and blankets. A lot of people in need will be coming here in the next couple hours. You sit down for a short time and end up falling asleep.

When you wake up, the whole place is buzzing. You stand up, feeling groggy, and walk toward the front door. You look out and see a line forming outside. People are starting to show up, eager to eat a hot meal. You glance at the clock: 8:30am. You see Spencer. He's standing outside, talking to one of the other volunteers. He doesn't seem to notice you walk up to him.

You smile awkwardly as you approach him. "Hey."

Spencer looks surprised. "Oh, hey. I didn't expect you to come."

"I couldn't miss on our yearly tradition. Besides, I'm sure the other guys would kill me if I did." Your joke falls flat.

He chuckles. "No, they wouldn't. They're always happy to have some helping hands."

"Oh, that reminds me, how can I help?" You ask, not taking your eyes off of him.

"There's nothing much for you to do out here," Spencer replies. "Maybe you could help someone at the serving table."

You nod, relieved that he isn't going to make this harder than it has to be. You'll deal with any awkwardness later. Right now you want to focus on the job you came to do.

"Okay." You reply and head towards the serving line where you'll help serve the meals. As more and more people are fed with turkey, fixing and some pie, the more you forget about your troubles. Part of the reason why you became an FBI agent was to help others, so you enjoy doing this each year. It feeds your soul.

You finish in an couple of hours. You help clear everything up and clean up the area. Then, you head back to your car. You're almost there when you see Spencer approach you.

He stops in front of you, hands in his pockets. "How was it? Did you enjoy yourself?"

"Yeah, it was fun. How about you?"

"Same." He nods. "It's always nice to help others."

You smile. "I agree. What's your favorite part of volunteering?"

"Probably seeing the smiles on their faces." He grins.

"That's good."

"Look, I know we haven't spoken so much lately, but... I miss talking with you. Is that okay to say?"

You exhale, feeling a weight lift off your shoulders. Spencer is talking to you again! "Yeah, that's fine. Of course."

"Good. I was actually wondering if you might like to grab something to eat after all this. Maybe go to my place and watch a movie."

You stare at him, dumbfounded. "Really?"

"Yeah. I feel like we haven't talked enough lately. And well, I don't think I should keep avoiding you. Not to mention, I really missed having you around."

Your heart starts beating faster. "Are you sure you're gonna be fine with that?"

"Of course. I just want to spend some time with you."

You grin and nod. "All right. I'd love to. I mean, I was planning on staying home and watching movies anyway. Think we could grab some Chinese food on the way there?"

"Ugh, as long as you ask for spoons. You know I don't know how to use chopsticks."

"Oh, that's right, the only thing the genius can't do. Just kidding." You chuckle.

The drive to Spencer's apartment feels like it's taking forever. You're both smiling, lost in conversation. It's so refreshing to feel like you're able to talk to him without having to worry about anything else. When you pull up to his building, you realize the streets are almost empty. It's already past nine in the evening.

"Wow, this place is dead."

"Well, of course, most people are with their families." Spencer replies as he walks in front of the car. He begins to recite some random historical fact about Thanksgiving: "Actually, the reason why Americans celebrate Thanksgiving in the first place is because of the pilgrims. In 1621, they were, supposedly, celebrating a successful harvest from the year before. It was then that the Native American tribes joined them. Of course, modern historians argue that it's all made up, but it's still celebrated today."

Spencer opens the door for you as you walk inside. You and him go up to your floor, taking off your coats and shoes.

"So, what movie do you wanna watch tonight?" Spencer asks as he heads over to the couch.

You sit next to him, looking around the room. "Hmm, I don't know. I was thinking something set during the holiday. Maybe You've Got Mail, have you seen it?"

"I don't think so. Should I?"

You shrug, "It's pretty cute. Meg Ryan's character is trying to start her own business, while Tom Hanks' character is trying to save his bookstore. It's a classic. You really haven't seen it? I thought you were into movies."

"Well, I am. But I'm also busy reading books." He sighs.

"Of course, you are." You two fall silent as the movie begins. The movie plays out as usual: Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks exchanging witty remarks and falling in love. It's funny to watch, but it makes you hyper aware of Spencer sitting next to you. His presence is comforting, his arm brushing against yours every now and then. Each time he does it, you feel butterflies in your stomach.

You shift in your seat, getting uncomfortable. He is completely absorbed in the movie, not paying any attention to you. You glance over at him, noticing he's staring at the screen. That makes you blush even more. You and him go forth and back with the chinese takeout, and the movie ends.

"What did you think of the movie?"

"I enjoyed it." He tells you with a genuine smile. "Have you ever thought about owning your own business?"

You shake your head. "Nope. I'm happy with being an agent."

"I have... I actually think I'd enjoy being like Tom Hanks' character. Own a bookshop. Read all day long, and get paid for it. That would be great."

You giggle at that. "I bet you'd be really good at it as well, you seem to know everything about literature."

"Yeah, I guess." He laughs. "What about you? If you could be anything other than an FBI agent, what would it be?"

You pause, thinking back. "Well, I have no idea. I've never thought about it before. I always wanted to be a teacher when I was little, but I don't think I'd enjoy that anymore."

He nods. "Well, I'm glad you decided to become an agent. You're a great addition to the BAU."

"Plus, I'm the only one that gets your coffee order right." You chuckle.

"I'll make sure to thank my lucky stars for that every night." He teases you. You laugh. You know exactly what's coming next.

"What about inside the FBI? Have you ever thought of transferring to a different unit?"

You look up at him, surprised by the question. "Why? Are you thinking about doing that?"

"Maybe."

You furrow your brow, confused. "Why? I mean, I'd be sad if you left the BAU, but you've always seemed to like it."

"I've been reconsidering a lot of my life choices recently. Ever since we...you know." He looks away.

You reach over, placing your hand on top of his. He turns to face you, looking down at your hand. "I'm sorry, Spence, for how I acted."

"Hey," he tries to smile. "It's okay. I understand where you were coming from. And I know it wasn't easy for you either."

"Thanks for understanding me. But I wasn't completely honest with you. There's something else I've been considering lately."

He cocks his head to the side curiously. "And what might that be?"

"That you were right. I do have feelings for you. And I messed it up because I was scared. Letting you go has been one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Because, as much as I might have tried to deny it, I… I'm in love with you." You say it so softly, you almost don't believe it yourself.

His eyes widen, and he looks at you with surprise. ​​“Is this some sort of practical joke?“

"No!" You laugh. "I'm serious. I meant what I said. I’m in love with you, dumbass!“ you say, emphasizing your words with your hands. You look at him and see him in shock, as if he’s not capable of computing what you’ve just said. You’re in love with your best friend and, apparently, that doesn’t sound plausible to him. “You still don’t believe me.” You sigh.

"But..." he pauses, rubbing his face. "I don't know if I should believe you."

You scoff, "Are you kidding me?"

“It’s easy to confuse feelings for something they aren’t. In fact, research suggests that projection of romantic and sexual desire within opposite-sex friendships is so common that-“

“Don't talk to me about research!” You interrupt, feeling exasperated with his lecture.

“I'm sorry.” Spencer apologizes.

“Will you just listen to me, Spencer! I already know that, I also took the profiling classes, if you don't remember. For goodness sake. I’m sure about what I’m feeling. And it’s more than friendship. I’m in love with you!” You are exasperated at having to point this out so clearly to him. He still doesn’t look so convinced.

"I don't know." He admits, "We've been through a lot together, and I know you feel bad about what happened. But you didn't say anything when I confessed my feelings to you. And I guess I've been going through my own stuff, too." He waits a moment, his mind probably running over what he wants to say next. You can almost hear the gears turning in his brain.

Finally, he speaks. "You love me?" His voice is barely above a whisper.

"Yes." You answer, your heart pounding in your chest.

“But why didn't you say anything then?"

"I don't know. Maybe I was scared. Scared I wouldn't be able to keep these feelings to myself. Or maybe because..." You pause, hesitating again. You're not sure how to continue. "You didn’t give me the chance to reply. You didn’t even give me the benefit of the doubt!” you say, not meeting his eyes.

"I'm sorry." He says, still looking down.

"It's fine." You take a deep breath. "I forgive you." You reach out, taking his hand in yours. He takes it, but he doesn't look completely convinced yet.

"Since when?"

You grin. "I'm not quite sure yet."

"I don't get it." He frowns. "How do you know you're in love, then?"

You shrug. "It doesn't take a genius to figure it out." He looks up at you, a little surprised. You continue: "Because you make me feel like I’ve never felt before. Because you’re always there for me, no matter what. Because even when I'm in a room full of people, I still manage to immediately recognise your ramblings. Because you care enough to be angry, and then help me deal with my anger. because the way that you look at me makes me feel so special that I still get butterflies in my stomach, something I was completely convinced didn’t exist. You look at me like I am the only person in the world and suddenly all the romantic comedies and love songs make sense. I still don’t know exactly how it happened, but I love you, Spencer Reid. So much. And don’t you dare ever doubt that fact.”

He stares at you for a long time, finally breaking into a huge grin. He starts laughing. You feel offended. “Are you making fun of me?”

"I'm not! I swear I'm not, it's just… I'm such an idiot. I've loved you ever since I laid eyes on you. I was just convinced you'd never love me back." The look of relief and adoration in his eyes melts your heart. Your mind can’t even catch up with your body because before you know it, you surge forward. Your arms wrap around Spencer’s neck as your lips pressed against his. He’s frozen in shock for a moment, before his lips begin to move in tandem with yours. You could kiss him for the rest of your life, but your lungs burning in your chest are a reminder that you need air.

"Wait a second..."Spencer pulls away, leaning his forehead against yours. "What exactly does this mean?"

“For someone with an IQ of 187, you’re quite dense.” You say, leaning in for another kiss but quickly stop on your tracks when Spencer pushes you away, gently. “It means I love you and I want to be with you too, moron." You punch him lightly in the arm.

"Okay, well then I'll assume it's okay for us to... date?" Spencer asks, grinning at you. You giggle, nodding your head.

"Yes, definitely!"

"Well then, we have a lot of catching up to do." Spencer takes your hand, leading you to your bedroom. You sit down on the bed, pulling him onto your lap.

"I'm sorry for taking so long to say it. I love you."

"I love you." He answers, with a crooked grin.

You smile at him, and without further ado, promptly grab him by the collar and pull him down into another kiss, more gentle this time. He pulls away, the biggest smile you've ever seen on his face. His breath fanning across your lips brings you back to Earth, meeting his eyes. You feel a laugh bubble up inside you.

“Say it again.”

“I love you.” You reply, trying to suppress your laughter.

"Again." He says, smirking.

"I love you." You say again, giggling.

"I love you too." He replies, kissing you softly. 

· · ─────── · ♡ · ─────── · ·

[ladyimaginarium]

HENNYWAYS I SAID I'D MAKE A LIL POST ABOUT IT SO. i think that loretta really was the missing link & was a key factor in bringing marco & connie together.

we already see that from a very young age loretta was clearly very attached to marco & vice versa & luca completely trusted him around his only daughter, that's a big deal.

loretta may have been playing with marco with her laughter being heard outside. also we gotta appreciate the fact that connie was running a business at literally 15 y/o.

its very clear that connie absolutely adores loretta & deeply respects galahad. which i have a hitch that galahad may have brought marco along because 1) loretta likes him & b) he may be interested in marco & connie's dynamic & want to see where it goes.

& her whole demeanor completely changes the second she sees marco outside.

then connie subtly tries to get galahad & loretta upstairs so she can speak with marco, mostly because she doesn't want tiny loretta to get caught up in their business considering she's so young & sweet. it's Very obvious that loretta & connie have a sisterly relationship considering loretta considers joel to be a grandmother figure already & that hasn't changed even when she's years older as a teenager.

i think connie may have been reminded of her own childhood looking at loretta with galahad here. she was prolly the cutest kid that ever lived. she was four at the time.

so she approaches marco to talk to him. word spreads & it's no secret that she knows he's changed & how he's actively proved this in the stories that were passed around him being the one saving the club from the hate group by killing every member there brutally & she's also entirely aware that loretta adores marco. so she's testing him.

connie has repeatedly told him not to come back because he's a living breathing reminder of the day her parents died, his former allegiance to the destroyers who killed them, & the trauma but he still does so. but notice how she has her door almost completely open, like she's almost ready to let him in. interestingly, marco doesn't face her either, almost like he's too ashamed to look at her or at the very least not having connie see his face out of respect for her & offering her at least that much.

& marco himself acknowledges this much to connie's exasperated annoyance.

a very obvious lie, he's never been good at lying to her, & connie sees right through it.

as she says, marco literally always comes back to her which is heavily implied out of how he feels is his obligation to keep her safe & makes sure she's alright despite everything that's happened between them & his blooming deep feelings for her.

& marco acknowledges this & apologizes to her; he genuinely doesn't like causing her pain even if he himself wasn't the one responsible for her parents' deaths but he can't stay away from wanting to protect her. notice how in all of her flashbacks of him, marco's eyes are always hidden. but you see, the windows are the eyes to the soul.

this is the first time we ever see connie smile around him. this is a first for her. connie's finally beginning to let him in. because if luca & galahad & loretta trust her, then maybe she can, too. look at how tenderly he looks at her. this entire scene is the beginning of the bittersweet end for both marco & constance several years later.

loretta's having some cookies & milk & galahad's very interested in their conversation.

& connie asks for his name while reaching for the door that separates them to open it. after all these 5 years of him in ergastulum, she's never once asked for his name nor asked for anything about him. this is a sign she's showing interest in him as a person. so marco turns around almost like he's in awe of her & then proceeds to tells her his chosen name. like. jfc get me sb who looks at me the way marco looks at connie.

[porkcutletbowl44]

Took me a while to finish reading chapter 15 and 16 since I literally forgot I had tumblr or any social media this week, but I finally read them and I'm crying so much now-

The way you mix aganst with comfort in chapter 15 made me cry a whole sea. I'm currently on my period so whenever mama was upset I was sobbing even louder than her😭 and I fucking loved the chapter. I didn't think it was possible for me to hate even more Simon on this fic but you proved me wrong, AND HE MAKES ME FEEL SO CONFUSED TOO. I mean, dude why the fuck are you acting like that??? It makes me so mad when he's saying "Oh, I was just playing with you like we used to-" you divorced her without even giving an proper explanation to her and engaged with another woman. I'm really frustrated that he only notices he's making things worse when they're already bad💔 but Keegan's a sweetheart compared to him.

Honestly I love whenever he's in scene, he's just better than Simon in many ways and it makes me so emotional when there's comfort/agnst with him involved. A great thing about chapter 15 in my opinion it's when mama says she misses Simon, even when he's being a huge asshole, because it makes her seem even more relatable to. Had a very shitty partner in the past, and as someone who has attachment issues, it's hard to forget and move on even when they did some traumatizing stuff (I better now btw), and the fact that's noticeble that she's still struggling to move on makes her so more real than most of MC in fanfictions. I'm very excited to see her moving on from her past relationship and fully giving a chance to have a new one with Keegan, they deserve a happy ending😞💔. I also liked the fact that mama's slowly knowing a bit more about him, and I hope in the future we see a bit more of these "silly" and calm interactions between them.

About chapter 16, it make me feel so many mixed feelings. It made me sad, frustrated, happy and so many other things I can't quite tell. The first part(when mama and Keegan are with the Ghosts) made me so happy, mostly because Hesh is my favorite character in CoD Ghosts and I was itching to see more of mama's interactions with them since the last time they showed up in the fic. I was so mad when Ghost showed up after that, he only appears in the WORST moments😭. I was shocked when Simon implied that Keegan would do anything with her without her consent, I even had to reread it because I was in pure disbelief on what I had just read. It also made me even more confused and curious about his behaviour towards mama. He acts like they're still married sometimes, and in chaptee 15 he even showed that Collen makes him annoyed, like if he was going to replace his ex-wife with another woman, couldn't he at least pick a more tolerable one??? His behaviour makes me even more furious and confused, and I really wish we see some of his reassons to have a divorce soon because it's making me so gsjdhskshsihxs(idk what else can describe what this man makes me feel besides of that😞)

And talking about words, I'm fucking obssessed with your writing and the variety of words you use to portray feelings, places and EVERYTHING. Don't think I mentioned it before but it's amazing to see different words being used to talk about the same things, helps me a lot to increase my vocabulary. And btw I'm the annon who made you cry after sending a gigant text about chapter 14 and Far From Perfect as a whole, sent a annonymous ask first because I was lowkey worried I would get ignored because my ask was ridiculously big(already happened once with another writers💔) so I decided to send a annon ask first. But going back to the fanfic, the flashback we had with Price made me start to inquire if Simon had ever commented about anything related to the divorce, engaging with another woman to him or anything related to it, even if in a rhetorical manner. I think that's the first flashback that made me truly curious about Simon's past and what made him decide to have the divorce, before that mostly they only made me feel melancholy about it, and probably it's my favorite flashback so far.

Anyways, I hope you can continue with this wonderful fanfiction since it makes me insane(in a good way) to see whatever happens next, and I also hope you can fully recover from your ear infection soon💞💞💞

Okay first off, I love you. JUST TAKE IT, I DONT NEED IT 🤲🏻🩷🥹

I do promise there will be lots of interactions with Keegan and mama just chilling, hanging out and relaxing, the fluffy stuff, there will most definitely be more GHOSTS and 141 stuff.

And I feel as though I should say that I probably won't ever delete a ask, I haven't received any negative feedback in my inbox or double questions that I'd have to answer twice AND I ABSOLUTELY WILL NEVER DELETE A ANON RANT BECAUSE THEY MAKE MY WHOLE DAY 😍

I'm sorry for your sadness (there will be a lot of angst) BUT THERES COMFORT AND FLUFF TO EVEN IT OUT

I'm low-key just obsessed writing the interactions, Fawn and Keegan is TOO CUTE TO NOT WRITE, And soft Johnny EUGHHH💖 (I also can't help but write the confusing stuff for Simon just to hear the theories 👀)

Simon's just a little silly, don't mind him 🫢😅

PLEASE TAKE CARE! AND THANK YOU FOR THIS WONDERFUL SUBMISSION! 🫶🏻