#i hate this. how the fuck am i supposed to go on with my life now :/
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cocogum · 2 days ago
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The Great Wave - Chapter 14 Review
‼️SPOILERS FOR THE CHAPTER‼️
This chapter felt shorter than the other ones in this second volume so far.
But that doesn't matter.
CUZ GUYS WE FINALLY SEE DATHURA AGAIN ‼️❤️‼️❤️‼️❤️‼️❤️‼️❤️‼️‼️❤️
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When the chapter covers were only available, I originally thought that she ended up being the guardian of the Tree of Life but it looks like she just settled somewhere vacant in the Sadida Kingdom.
I don't mind cuz as long as she's there, I'm happy hehe 💗💗 She's such a beauty omg
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Dathura saying that she's been called once again by Amalia makes me assume that Dathura asked for her help once before but we know it couldn't have been in Season 4 because she was only seen protecting the Tree of Life as it's last defense.
So the first time Amalia has asked for help must've been in Season 5 when Harebourg will be seen as the antagonist. I'm only making assumptions here but it could be true. In a way, it makes sense because Dathura technically does have a connection to Harebourg since she used to be a past member of the Brotherhood of the Frogotten just like him. So maybe she could have helped Amalia by trying to talk to Harebourg or maybe explain to Amalia what may be going when he'll become a problem for her kingdom. Because let's not forget the fact that he wanted Amalia's kingdom to have endless wood to warm up Frigost.
But anyways, Amalia asks Dathura to help her find a remedy for Yugo.
Cuz apparently the belladonna only slowed the process. It didn't actually fade away on its own because it thought it did its job.
Dathura disconnects herself from her meditation spot and guides Amalia to some hidden territory in the Sadida Kingdom.
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I found it a bit odd when Amalia asked her where they were here, since she was supposed to have lived in the kingdom her entire life AND WAS ABSOLUTELY THE TYPE OF KID TO HAVE ROAMED AROUND THE PLACE AND MEMORIZE ALL OF IT BY HEART.
But then again, this entire area is ALIVE so it can do whatever the fuck it wants lol
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Dathura just flies away as if she didn't say the most hippie spiritual shit ever.
BUT LOOK AT AMALIA'S ADORABLE FACE WHEN SHE ADMIRES THE PLACE 💗💕💗💗💗💗💗
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my little queen is such a softie for nature 💖💖💖
Also let me just say how much I love the fact that Dathura is referring to Yugo as "our" king. She was so chill with Yugo in season 3 and we can tell that she's still cool with him because she accepts him as the king of the Sadida Kingdom.
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And that speaks A LOT on so many levels when you know that some sadida citizens do not accept Yugo's people but then you got a part of the Sadida God literally being cool with the king they hate. Like come on now, if you're a sadida AND an eliatrope hater, what are you doing??? You keep blabbing about how the eliatropes are being a menace and "staining" your sadida culture when one of your demigoddesses (who LITERALLY keeps a portion of your god's power, mind you) is straight up just vibing with the man you hate.
Like seriously Amalia you gotta shut them up someday or another.
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Another thing that I enjoyed was that I now know, thanks to Dathura, that there is a shortened way to say Grougalorasalar's name. It's Asalar and I don't know why but I find it so cute to say 💕💕 Like it's cool and yet adorable at the same time I don't know how else to explain it.
Amalia then explains what Grougalorasalar wanted and that he'll start attacking again if Yugo doesn't accept giving away the artifacts.
But I am SO GLAD that out of all the things Yugo refuses to give, it's the eliatrope dofus for very obvious reasons.
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Like I explained back in the last chapter, Grougalorasalar wanted the Eliasphere since it doesn't belong to them and because Yugo's people have a habit of naming things after their people if they find any powerful artifacts that can support them. But in no way, shape or form does Yugo ever need to give his eliatrope dofus to him. These eliatrope dofus literally belong to the eliatropes because, again, those are the primordial eliatropes' recall points. Not to mention that they've been created by THE ELIATROPE GODDESS.
Like come on what is bro doing asking for something that belongs to them!? I agreed with him about how Yugo and his people were actual troublemakers without even trying, but taking away the dofus that respawns them?? Hell nah man, I stay away from that shit.
So Dathura picks out a plant and properly reduces it to the actual remedy before she tells Amalia to discuss this whole Grougalorasalar situation with Joris.
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After everything he's done for the world, it looks like bro still can't get away from the short height allegations from mortals and immortals alike 😭😭
Talking to Joris makes the most sense since he used to be Asalar's vessel but yay, we get to see Joris back! I can just tell that all the joris fans were happy to see him in that 15th chapter cover and now get to see him being mentioned in this chapter lol
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DATHURA CALLED AMALIA A FRIEND DISLDKDLWPWPROFODOEEO 💖💗💖💗💗💖💗💖💗💖💗💖💗💖💖💗💗💖💖💗💗💖
Anyways, after suggesting Amalia to speak with Joris about all this, she warns her not to upset Grougalorasalar no matter what hers and Yugo's decision will be.
Don't worry shawty, these two morons got this in the bag 🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢
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pagerunner-j · 2 days ago
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Fair warning, this is probably going to be incoherent. I haven't slept much and I am in a mood.
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I have so many criticisms of CR campaign 3, and a fair few about the finale in particular, but here's where I'm drawing a line in the sand. The sort of complaints from people who've put all their energy into clinging onto a pet tragedy, and then whining about how this story "undoes" it, are doing my head in. It's exactly like the complaints about Donna's story in the DW 60th anniversary specials and I hated hearing it then, too. Because a plot that's still willing to grapple with the long-term effects of something tragic, even though the story eventually turns in a different direction, doesn't erase the fact that the tragedy happened. It's just a story that's willing to let its characters change and circumstances soften until eventually, finally, they might find somewhere to put those burdens down. It's a story that's willing to take a breather in the end and be kind.
What in the world is wrong with that?
Seriously, that's the part we're choosing to be up in arms about?
This?
There's a very real point at which I feel like this attitude is a twisted-up mess of some weird sort of sunk-cost fallacy, crossed with grimdark nonsense. Like, to return to DW, Sally Sparrow brooding through life going "sad is happy for deep people" was not supposed to be aspirational. That was self-absorbed drama-queen bullshit from the get-go. Spending all your time wallowing in misery (and especially other people's misery. Fictional misery, even. I mean, how selfish is that? You want all the woe in the world to be melodramatic about, but none of the personal consequences you claim to be All About, because ugh, that might...suck...? Yeah, no kidding) and pretending that that's more real and worthy and smart, and that it gives you a superior perspective to everyone else? It doesn't. It's not a healthy way to live. And insisting that everyone else has to put up with a sad thing forever, too, because you've pinned that much importance and your own self-worth on it, is really just you dumping your own misery on everyone else in order to go on proving your case.
And it is so much worse (warning here from Editor Page: personal rant ahead, because yeah, this is why I'm getting so angry and frustrated) to do that straight at people who've lived through years of very real tragedy, who are desperate for any of that to get lifted and find reasons to keep trudging on, somehow, somehow, wanting some shred of hope fucking anywhere, please, and who really don't need sanctimonious lectures about someone else's own supposedly superior understanding and how I guess people are just shallow and stupid if they aren't willing to wallow in the murk forever while droning on about how that means they know better. Even if they fucking don't. Give it a rest.
...and, um, yeah, that might be me projecting a wee bit. just possibly.
But I'm exhausted with listening to people who maybe need to stop listening to themselves talk for a bit and could use a smack upside the head with the perspective stick once in a while.
The perspective stick I'm holding says this:
The consequences you won't shut up about still happened. And "consequences" doesn't only mean misery and death and that's it forever. As far as I'm concerned, consequences matter a whole lot more if you still have to live with it. That you have to accept that certain things have permanently changed you and you're still bearing the marks, and even if something good comes along, you're still going to have to do the work to figure out how you fit with that, now. But that still doesn't exclude the possibility that better things could come of it. If you can't believe that, what's the point?
Groaning on about how tragedy is forever and it's worthless if it isn't is honestly the easy, lazy, selfish way out. It's collapsing under grief and then insisting that the rest of the world does, too, because otherwise you're feeling called out and invalidated about the fact that you gave in. And personally, especially after spending a good decade absolutely clinging on by my fingernails trying not to do the same, I'm not fucking here for that. Ever.
So yeah. tl;dr: Some of y'all self-absorbed drama queens need to get the fuck over yourselves and try letting some joy back into your lives once in a while.
Rant ends.
*faceplants into a pillow*
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risetherivermoon · 3 months ago
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genuinely what the fuck am i supposed to do with my life now
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faaun · 1 year ago
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Jack Marsh (2005), Friendship Otherwise - Toward a Levinasian Description of Personal Friendship
#saw carnation lily lily rose by john singer seargent irl today. it was basically at my doorstep all along idk why i never went to see it#it was placed at a corner in the gallery. me and my friend sat down and sketched the paintings of beautiful naked people quite badly. paper#provided by tate britain. she told me about how she couldnt look her boyfriend in the face after a harrowing film about war. when i say the#interview was informal i mean the person who was supposed to be my boss told me let me get you a cider and then he said after#50 years of life he knows people are inherently good and it only takes a little bit of kindness to save this world. he said he tricked#his wife into keeping the baby and then he said he quit his job at a US bank to help people find meaning and in it#he would have liked to find meaning. instead he started climbing with his friends. he said he chews his cigarettes because its a habit from#when he had to hide things from people. the entire time i felt uncomfortable and incredibly enlightened. this is my friends mentor. she has#his pattern of pauses and expletive and penchant for ends-justify-means attitude. i do think im not very clever#but maybe one day i will love you enough to make up for it. i wrote code i dont understand staring at the final error i thought about how#we both thought of how when we're too old to remember the voices of our friends we would like to stand in the pathway of the LHC beam pipe#cut it open and eat light in the freezing cold vacuum (kills you long before radiation will) the invisible puncture wound unfolding dna#back to the start larger than you ever were. you go to heaven once youve been to hell. my friend is in my bed#practicing calculations of eigenvectors by hand and she is uninterested in a visual proof you are uninterested in incompetence#we catch a train this is your kind of burden you tragic hero wincing at that word you only do this because you have to. im the only one#who can. i am a coward in this for the fucking poetry. the visual proofs. the pretty numbers. an architect who was horrible at maths wanted#to be a philosopher and accidentally ended up neck in deep in 70th Error On Visual Studio Code i want to kiss your eyes before we say#goodbye we both know there is no love in the way there should be. I still have your dress in my wardrobe. i hope you make art.#you think im alright head-wise i think you fucking hate me i think ill never be so clever you want me to tell you my idea?#if you wanted more of this world i would have liked to kiss you harder. we cant both be like this. im sorry i cant be with you the whole wa#the love is gone if you have to ask it. his breath catches his eyes feel stiff it is -1.9 kelvin he is near the beam pipe i miss holding#his hand i miss her singing voice i miss his hair and i found the antonym of pain thank you for carrying me home.
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demigod-of-the-agni · 6 months ago
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Forgive me, forgive me. I ask, I beg, I pray, but it never comes.
You know I find it incredibly bewildering to see just how much kalki reflects myself in him like YEAH Duh of course he does, he’s my little guy it’s like his full time job. But at the same time he is a fully functional facet of my being and he is at the mercy of my whimsies, and whatever he discovers in his arduous journey of self realisation is ultimately a reflection of what I discover in the real world. It’s also incredibly funny because ffxiv lore for dark knights is really baked into the idea of (re)discovering yourself amongst the bloodshed and continuing to live and love and thrive despite the world working against us. who would have thought such a raw message could come from an mmorpg side quest about edgy emo boys of all places
also adamantite armour of fending i would lay down my LIFE for u
variant + phone bg version + ID below the cut
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tch as if you guys are actually going to use artwork of my little guy as your phone background. i know. how dumb. let a girl dream. i should make an alternate version but it's of Fray and Myste
[START ID: A picture with a red background focusing on the character's bust that is placed to the left of the image's centre. He is coloured with a dark blue overlay, contrasting with the red background. He has brown skin, long black hair that falls over his shoulders, and is wearing blue and gold armour and earrings. He is looking at the viewer, right eye dark brown and the left an glowing unnatural red, with an expression that looks determined and angry and yet bitter and forlorn. In the foreground and on the right side of the piece, a miniature version of the character stands coloured in a light blue overlay and wearing the same blue and gold armour, looking as if he is glowing. He is facing towards the left of the piece, or perhaps at the character bust, his expression unreadable. Above the miniature character's head is the symbol representing the FFXIV dark knight, coloured in gold. END ID.]
#the burst of creativity that shot through me is indescribable. i can only hope this is a sign that i am FINALLY out of art block#but OF COURSE my creativity comes back right when gamsat is around the corner. it's always a fucking exam. i fucking hate myself#maybe this piece is supposed to be vent art at how I CANNOT MANAGE MY SHIT AND I AM JUST. NOT DOING THINGS RIGHT. NOT DOING THINGS RIGHT !!#and i tell myself it's fine but maybe it's NOT fine? i told myself i'd work on it but nothing is getting worked on#nothing productive at all. not even for uni nor for myself. nothing is happening at all. it's just going through the days#waking up. wishing i'd slept more. stare at my laptop for hours. youtube. watch 10mins of lectures. then a nap. then the laptop. then sleep#but i dont and it pisses me off because nothing is working. i'm like if linguini lost his rat and i'm staring at the kitchen catching fire#maybe go to class if it's on for that day. scrambling notes together. pretending i DO have my shit together#i COULD put out the fire. but i'm not. i could and i can but im not. the extinguisher is in my hand. fire's not going out. i'm still here.#maybe. maybe that's why drk resonates with me so much. at the end of the day. maybe i am just a stupid bastard#-who can't get their act together. who actively shoots themselves in the foot and bleeds all over the place trying to make something happen#only this time- this time the perpetrator isn't someone i can point at and demand answers from. it's me hi i'm the problem it's me#and i can- i SHOULD find a way to make this all work. to make this whole Living My Life business work. but the extinguisher's in my hand#wow okay that was really heavy anyway uhhhhh TAGS TAGS TAGS TAGSSSSS#ffxiv#ff14#ffxivwol#ffxiv wol kalki#ffxiv dark knight#artoftheagni#and the fire keeps going#tw eyestrain#cw bright colors#idk the red is really bright and it;s nice for my eyes but idk for anyone else
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soap-is-an-artist · 23 days ago
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Hooray... it's 7 in the morning and I stayed up all night listening to the imperium... I feel so happy and satisfied with my life choices...
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I am feeling very much not cowabunga, dude
[SEVERE rambling in tags]
#ouww it hurts!! it hurts!!! this is the stuff you're supposed to leave for angst fic writers not make canon in an alt universe?? ERIK PLEASE#i hate the whole entire world right now. genuinely cannot speak to anyone normally for the next 3-4 business days.#I have no one irl to rant to about this FUCK im stranded. im quarantined. im being held against my will free meee#The irl friend i have who knows anything at all about redacted only knows freelancer s1 i cannot drop this bigass plot on them#Genuinely i might start going mad out of repression. Erik writing “hope you enjoy” in the desc as if that wasnt the most painfully torturou#experience I've ever had in my life. The fucking inevitability. I knew Echo was going to pull some shit. IM JUST GLAD VIN AND FL ARE OK#they were NOT the turning point just let them live their cabin in the woods fantasy for however long they can okay...#Also I kinda love imp!vega. not the biggest fan of prime bc of the whole child beating situation but i sure loved this guy.#really knew what he was talking about when it came to revolutions and stuff. Like he's good. no disrespect to avior but vega did good#and he was so gentle with his partner which i find more appealing than torture but that's just me. that's just me i get it#And uh. speaking of that. Imp!sam. Yeah i get why some of yall are goin wild over him and i wish i could say i shared the sentiment but hes#too scary im weak like that. when i know a bastard would simply kill me without a care im just not into that yknow? or maybe you dont#Glad we got twisted gay damihux at the end though MUAHAJAJA that's one of the only redeeming lights that kept me alive#FUCKKKK SHIT FU K SJIT DAM ASHERS ENTIRE SCENE WITH BRACJIUM GOD HELP ME. ID DIE FOR THAT MAN#he's so fucking sad!!! he just wants his husband back!!! HE WANTS HIS FAMILY BACK!!!!!!#No even I don't understand how it's possible to get this attached to characters. I don't know. Im in deep shit.#Is this the end for me? Is my life over? These are the questions I have today. I probably just need to sleep because again#it's 7:30 in the morning. but regardless. These characters mean so much to me and this silly anthology has pulled emotions out of#me that i am terrified of feeling [survivors guilt hits me right in the fucking heart] and im scared. of what? don't know#That little shit Echo was right about one thing. It may not be real but the emotional damage it caused me is real. AND IRREPARABLE#redacted audio#redacted asmr#redacted imperium#redacted imp!asher#redacted echo#redacted imp!vega#redacted imp!sam#redacted vindemiator#tired of tagging. hitting the pillow. good night.
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trans-yllz · 1 month ago
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person supposed to be moving in this week has not signed the lease or told me when they plan to get here. old housemate keeps loudly moving stuff out at like 10pm on week nights. new housemate has various slightly inconsiderate habits that are kind of driving me insane. other housemate acts like he's the only person on earth who might have stuff going on while he continues to not pay rent. I'm going to light this house on fire
#FOR LEGAL REASONS THIS IS A JOKE.#just sooooo tired of it all we are all adults can we act like adults please.#I'm trying to be so understanding of the person who is supposed to be moving in#because they've been very nice and they had a medical situation going on recently#but it is the 31st in. one hour#and they have yet to sign the lease#and I am like. PLEASE. please please it takes two seconds please#and the other new housemate has moved in already keeps doing things that I'm like#have you ever lived with another human being before. like do you know how a house works.#and my other housemate keeps doing this weird guilttripping shit that I just won't put up with#I just won't do it#while also like talking about buying random shit when we Just almost got evicted because he didn't pay rent#I cannotttttt be the youngest but most mature. we fucking hate to see it#maybe its just because of my various life experiences but I cannot stand a bitch who does not take housing seriously#girl I cannot be homeless. pull yourself the fuck together#this is supposed to be a symbiotic relationship!!!! please can we all work together. please#and I guess some of this is my fault for not communicating about certain things#but I'm like I feel like I shouldn't have to tell a grown adult to pay rent instead of buying cowboy boots#or to not leave their dirty clothes on the bathroom floor#or not not move out RIGHT NOW AT 11PM ON A MONDAY.#like I wont pretend I'm the perfect housemate but you know what. at least I don't pretend like I'm the perfect housemate#while being insufferable#ghost posts#text
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yikes-ajax-thats-sad · 1 month ago
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People really think trust issues are just "aww they're scared of love" and it's like bitch no. Trust issues as in I'm deeply in love and the issue is I'm waiting for you break my heart after undergoing periodic abuse in relationships. I'm not scared of love I'm scared of what you'll do with it.
#ahahahaha anyways. ranty time in the tags wheeee#paranoia has been terrible today. everyones mood is off. everyones acting different. everyones acting colder. they hate me im sure of it#and all this stuff i want to be happy i just know is gonna be ruined or left with tainted memories now and its my fault#but maybe its not because why the fuck cant you be consistent. why is it so touch and go#i support ppl through the worst parts of their lives and when i need the support nobody is there#i will literally take time off work to be with someone if theyre having a hard time but me? cant even afford more than three words#im sick of being told i love you and finding no proof outside empty words. i sure as hell dont feel fucking loved. everyone is lying#it's just like my ex. he smothered me in love to cover up the major lack of actually viable love#empty words make me sick to my stomach now. everyones a fucking liar and i dont get why the wont just tell me the truth!#if im such a burden then just fucking say it! if im horrible to be around tell me! how am i supposed to every grow if nobody tells me#i just wanna be loved and not unconditionally. i want to be loved by choice. i want someone to choose me despite everything#i want someone to love me to every little detail and hold my hand even when im at my lowest and just UNDERSTAND#i want someone to love me wholeheartedly and think about me as much i do them. i want the little gestures and the sweet things i do#but here i am. always the one carrying everything and putting in all the effort. when was the last time someone really liked me.#when was the last time i existed in someone elses head. when was the last time someone cared enough to check on me. to do something?#this savior mentality is gonna kill me but im only being straightforward when i say i cannot pull myself from this alone. i am so weak#and god im fucking tired#spent at least two hours straight sobbing while regressed because even as a kid i cant outrun this#and im just getting sicker. i cant sleep. cant eat. cant stay warm. feel like im slowly fading away#and nobody even cares. its so fucking selfish and childish but my whole life ive screamed for help and nobody has seen me#do i have to become another number in the statistics for you to care? or would you even care when i die?#because at this rate i dont even need to try. my heart hasn't slowed in three days. i think i really am dying#sad thoughts#vent blog#sad blogging#vent#vent post#venting#actually mentally ill#actually traumatized
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gayandgayerr · 1 day ago
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i love when my nervous system can’t tell the difference between waiting for an appointment and being chased by a man with a gun and a flamethrower
#like why do i feel like this#ITS A DOCTORS APPOINTMENT#i hate my brain i hate my nervous system#this one makes sense for me to be More anxious about but not This anxious about#literally popping propranolol like it’s fucking candy the past two days#i don’t even know if it’s helping i feel like when i’m this far gone it doesn’t even do anything#and it’s making me feel anxious about other stupid shit too#not gonna get into all that but like!!!#why do i feel like every aspect of my life is on fire when i’m literally just waiting for a fucking phone call#i just really really really want to stop stressing about the stupid fucking bmi thing#like how many fucking times have i said it that is THE reason i chose her#she doesn’t have the requirement#WHY WOULD YOU SCHEDULE ME AT THE FACILITY THAT DOES#honestly thank fucking god i haven’t had weight issues in the past lovebodyneutrality#cause like this is causing me so much fucking anxiety i don’t want to lose weight i haven’t wanted to lose weight i currently CANT EVEN#CAUSE MY LEG IS BROKEN#how am i supposed to do Anything to help this situation#literally can do nothing but Try to not think about it but my pure ocd looooves a thought spiral🙃🙃🙃🙃#thinking that i’m helping but thinking it through but nope!! thats actually iust making it so much worse!! those are in fact compulsions!!#and yet i Can’t Stop#chat how to stop thinking about the thing#i cannot distract myself i’ve never been able to distract myself from shit i’m this anxious about#try to watch tv and have to pause and have thought spirals or i’m gonna puke#try to do a hobby but can’t have to stop and have thought spirals or i’ll die#how to stop doing ocd compulsions when the compulsions are Your Thoughts#maybe i need to go back to my psych and try some different meds again#we havent been sure if it is ocd or just autism for like literal years but i’m feeling Pretty Sure..it would make so much sense😭😭😭#maybe i should stop saying that til ik for sure..but like several drs have asked me if i have it😭i just haven’t been able to accept it😭#also that’s not even what this is about why am i stressing about that shut the fuck up omg#i love pissing myself off talking to myself in the tags of my tumblr posts
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burningcomputerpersona · 27 days ago
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second night of not being able to fall asleep since the new semester started. now im remembering why i stopped taking my adhd meds
#look im a fan of staying up late when it's done voluntarily but this is NOT voluntary#i need to get actual sleep bc i need to actually use my brain for school shit tomorrow and i only got like 2 hours of sleep last night#does my body care about that tho? noooo absolutely not no sleep for you for the rest of your life#even the benadryl isn't working anymore and I've already had 150mg#i need one of those chloroform soaked rags they use in movies when knocking someone out to kidnap them#just. im not fucking doing anything. this would be a much better use of my time if i used it to actually do shit like homework#but nooo i was too tired and wanted to go to sleep early but the sleep never came and the task is firmly stuck in tomorrow mode#and i don't even wanna do the tasks bc i never wanna do anything ever except when i take my adhd meds#but when i do take the meds i can't fall asleep. fucking fantastic#in the words of laura jane grace: i need a week long cocaine binge#wait that would probably make my sleeplessness worse tho nevermind#just. i thought this shit was supposed to be addictive. i just keep not wanting to take them#like the opposite of compulsive redosing or something#ugh ykw maybe i should just try fighting fire with fire#just keep going with the meds to see how long it takes until the lack of sleep is enough to overpower the insomnia#maybe i just need to be harder on myself. stop thinking about what i do or don't want#bc i keep getting stuck in this cycle where i try to find a way to convince myself why i should do a task#but end up only thinking of how i absolutely do not want to do the task#and decide to try being more constructive by asking myself what i do want#only to find that the one single thing i want is just to Not#and coming to the inevitable conclusion that i really just need to kill myself#except that's also a task i need to do that takes energy and i don't rlly wanna do that either so that's one bright side ig#ugh i hate this i hate complaining like if you don't like something abt the situation then fucking do something about it or suck it up#and here i am. doing neither.#i swear i need to be put down like a dog. where's that post abt getting into puppy play so you can be euthanized#welp. i guess it's a good thing i got a therapist before the semester started. he's gonna be in for a shock#mine#vent
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mcalhenwrites · 6 months ago
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I'm not going to pretend it doesn't make me angry that I spend months and years trying to peddle my work to make ends meet, that I spend so much time mentioning my books and comms and everything, and people ignore that consisently... But the moment I finally break under the hopelessness - when it's obvious that it's fucking futile, that almost no one deems my work good enough to share with anyone else - suddenly they're concerned and scolding me. I'm working several jobs, bathing, generally keeping things clean, and I do this with several health problems including chronic pain. I found out that one of my cysts is growing and I may need to have it surgically removed. Which means potentially missing work to recover. Which means more money I lose. I spend so much time crawling out of the hole and it goes ignored, but the moment I just give up bc I don't have any strength left, suddenly that's my fault and I'm mentally sick. And that kind of makes me wish my entire situation upon people, and when they whine that it's hard, well fuck you, you thought I could ace it so surely you can, babe! I hate being angry about this, but it's just so exhausting to tell people who accuse me of not trying that I HAVE I HAVE SO FUCKING HARD AND YOU DID NOT PAY ATTENTION THEN Or you know you're attempting to gaslight me by claiming I didn't try despite that I obviously have worked my ass off trying, and that's so much fucking worse
#mcalhen personal#and I'm not saying I'm not mentally ill but ffs stop using it as a weapon to discredit people when they have the solutions right there#feels like people hate my writing and me and that's why I didn't go “I got the job” bc friends who never support me would be like#“I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU CONGRATS” cool I'm not I spend an entire day usually recovering from very calm shifts at a job I like#but the moment I publish a book it's not congrats it's I don't know this guy I don't know Cal and I'm gonna pretend I never saw anything#I don't even hate my goddamn job even tho it can be stressful but it's the easiest thing for mostly just 2 days a week#but it is not sustainable and I cannot survive on this and disability would be invasive as hell and y'all don't know shit about how they#treat disabled people in this country but goddamn I have watched that shit unfold with my autistic brother who can't work#and I can never help him at this rate#bc I can't help myself#I can't help anyone#and saying that is a big fucking issue with people who think if they say 'it gets better keep going' I'll magically unfuck my life#as if I haven't spent the entirety of my life trying to unfuck things#as if I didn't give myself an education in spite of my family#y'all never been threatened with physical violence bc you weren't supposed to ask for school supplies and it fucking SHOWS#I have learned so many things on my own time out of sheer desire to better myself and my situation#but at a point where nothing works out and each day is just filled with more bad news#at what point am I actually allowed to give up?#or am I supposed to just keep this up until I die with 40 more years of collected bullshit pain#bc if you want me to live like this for 40 years then... you never cared at all#and what's so stupid is that I really want to earn my living by doing the work#I work on my art and writing but let's just admit that it's pathetic already#no mental health services or pills will erase that I'm a pathetic garbage can of uselessness#also I realize no one owes me anything like boosting my work or w/e#but also don't ask me to turn rotten ingredients into a feast and say I'm not trying when I can't fucking do it
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ghostzzy · 7 months ago
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what’s fucked up is that since being cut to part time im basically constantly just waiting to be Fully Fired
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mydr3aminvi0let · 9 months ago
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i wear a lot of skirts and pink and whatnot as my style has developed with me & my personality but when one of those age regression girlies latch onto me....i do not like that
#like oh....you think im one of them...bestie no im freshly 23 and im happy i made it this far i dont wanna go back#sometimes i hate being 5'2 with a small frame you have to be very careful and kinda vet everyone you interact with#idk there's a complex discussion to be had. i am someone who has went through what they fetishize and i know a lot of girls in that#community have too. so i worry a lot if if my behaviors and preferences accidentally align with that community in ways i don't realize#bc trauma will always reveal itself. idfk. when i was 20 i got in a relationship with a man who was 30 because i misheard him and thought#he was 24. i thought he was okay until we were at this giftshop and he wanted to get me something but as giftshops are super expensive#i mentioned i could fit in childrens clothes and it saves me a lot of money ($60 shoes are $30 for kids) and tbh fit my frame better#so he was “prove it” so i did and mf said “THATS HOT” ??????????? BITCH#my style wasn't even feminine in the slightest at the time 😑 it feels like a curse to have this kind of trauma then never outgrow this body#believe me ik how trauma changes your brain but how#as a woman#can you ever be apart of that community? why do you allow this to continue and not persecute these men for existing?#you're inherently enabling it and saying its okay this happened to you and its okay that other adults can hurt other kids#when my rapist got put in prison i screamed i yelled i sang i danced my friends set off FIREWORKS for me#when he got out i cried more than i ever have. i moved STATES (not the sole rzn but nonetheless) not that i was in the one he was in prison#in anyways but i was so fucking petrified he'd find me again. its embarrassing but i started sleeping with a chastity belt again.#i made more phone calls i ever have in my life to people who have and will get their hands dirty#i understand the self hatred those girls have. i understand the girls who sleep with everyone to take some of their power back.#i even understand the girls who want to get raped if they got assaulted but it never felt like enough for the pain they're experiencing#but please stay the fuck away from me. as someone who has tried to heal and wants every man like that erased from earth.#do not give them an ounce of attention. ostracize them like they're meant to be. leave it to god for their karma they will be dealt with#reckon with your pain and make sure it never happens to anyone else. only the harmed can make the greatest teachers#tbh bro i am disgusted with myself at all that those are the kinda vibes i put out.#what are you supposed to do as a woman when feminity is equalized with infantilism? i think its tone deaf and misguided whem girls are like#i dress this way to contradict societies views!!! babes its a whole cultural issue that requires reviewing and reforming#you are not doing anything revolutionary by wearing frilly skirts and saying im not like them bc they see you and ur automatically boxed in#i dress how i want and say what i want but i know as a individual im not the beacon of a groundbreaking movement#singularily flipping society on its head. dress how you want but be aware of the connotations. you're living in this society here and now#there's consequences that may not be in your favor and youll be assumed to have values that dont align with you and it may break your heart
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faithisland · 11 months ago
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fuck man it's so fucking frustrating how I'd probably love to clean and organize if i were ablebodied (or even just didn't have my specific conditions but still the nd traits)
I just can't be moving my head around like crazy. walking while moving my arms, reaching my arms down and immediately up, lowering my head to the ground to reach something and then standing back up, having no momentary neck support at any time, those are the worst for me. I would do any task, honestly. I just feel so fucking trash every time I do these kinds of things. standing is excruciating, moving my arms while doing it literally affects my consciousness to the point where I lose track of what I'm doing (and not in the typical adhd way).
as long as I can stay stationary, particularly partially lounging, I am capable of rational, logical thought. I can think through long term consequences, remember the basic physics of the universe, generally function like I am not an alien to this dimension.
#i literally drop things bc i forget im holdinf them#or i think that idk it wont drop ljke im a fuxking astronaut#i slam into things bc i forget i have a physical form#literally being up and movinf around makes my brain SO dissociated and im SO dizzy and my vision is wonky and i can barely focus on staying#up right#but i can do things like go for walks#its all about how much i move my arms and get up and down#so badically i seem like im faking it🫥#i can do 'fun' things but not work#not paying attention to the faxt that i dont much like the activities im doint#i do them to stay alive and make others happy#and genuinely i am incapable of what would make me happy#WHICH IS WORK#GENUINELY#my life is miserable BECAUSE i cant clean or move around#i hate feeling like i contribute nothing to the ppl i love#i hate not being organized#and i HATE not working so so so so so much#the sad fact is that i just really cant work#i have to somehow get better#even though no one knows whats wrong w me or believes im genion3ly experiencing it#i dont have seizures apparently its normal to collapse and go into spasms w ur eyes rolled back in your head.#apparently thats normal#apparently its fine to hallucinate my whole life and have fainting spells and confusion and disorientation and feel sensations as other thin#gs#thats kusy notmal and not indicitive of ANY neurological priblem#so i should shut up and go away and get some CBT about it#i jusy dont fucking know whatcyh3 fuck i am supposed to do#what am i supposed to do to be able to work
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blue-jester · 1 year ago
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I feel sick
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zipstick · 1 year ago
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when you want to learn how to act but the drama a level is only designed to teach you how to pass the exam
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