#i hate that everyone else in the adult world seems to have their emotions on lock down

[erasedcitizen2]

I cried at work today during a work meeting and I'm so embarrassed about it fUCK

[rosenclaws]

Erased || Logan Howlett x Reader

summary: You are a powerful mutant with powers you hated. They ruined your life and it led you down paths you weren't proud of. Things changed and now you lived happily with Logan. Until your past seems to come back to ruin everything

warnings: angst. traumatic childhood, brief mentions of torture.

wc: 2.7k

Link to part 2

a/n: Hi guys, so this is kind of the you get hurt and he goes feral fic but i've combined it with this other wip i had laying around. I talked a lot about wanting more angst and tw death (my grandmother passed last night) so ive been in this weird state of sadness that i'm repressing. Either way i wrote a fic so there's that lol. I will def have a part 2 btw so don't worry.

Sometimes when you close your eyes you can remember your childhood. What it was like before your, gift, appeared and ruined everything. How your family loved you, how your friends welcomed you, how the world didn’t hate you. Everything was perfect.

Until the day it appeared. All you did was touch her arm. That’s all you did. An argument with your mother, silence, and then you touched her arm to try and apologize and next thing you knew she was asking who you were. Yelling at you to get out of her house. You cried not understanding what was happening.

She looked at you with nothing but confusion. Not even a hint of recognition. Then your father came home and you ran into his arms. Afraid and distraught when he pushed you off him. The same look in his eyes. Who are you? They threw you out, threatened to call the cops. They left you all alone, afraid, and confused.

It didn’t take long for you to understand. A mutant. You had heard of mutants but never thought you could be one. A mutant with a powerful ability. Memory manipulation. You could alter memories, dive into someone's deepest fears, their secrets, and even erase anything from heads. In a single moment their whole lives could be changed. It was a dangerous power and you wanted nothing to do with it.

For years you lived on the road. Keeping yourself moving, stealing when you needed to. Never getting too attached to one place, to anyone. You were alone.

Then one day some people found you. Dressed in stupid costumes. Still they took you in. Gave you a home, fed you, trained you. You grew up there. From teen to adult. Charles was kind and you don't think you could ever repay him for all that he's done. Your powers were strong but he taught you to control your emotions.

Still you tried to stay a safe distance away from people. Not just physically but emotionally. The nightmares of your parents haunt you everyday. They're nice. All of them are. The kids loved you and you enjoyed the mansion.

Still when the team invited you out you declined, when the kids wanted to crowd you during dinner you politely excused yourself to your office. You didn't go to parties, you didn't celebrate the holidays with them. You were just you, a nice, safe distance away from them. Then your world got flipped upside down.

The day Logan rolled into the mansion. He was mean and angry. He had that "I don't like being around people" kind of vibe but he stuck around. Ended up becoming more apart of the team than he wanted. And he liked it.

Logan was the first one to really break down your walls. Just like everyone else you stayed away from him. Smiling and greeting him but never going past that. Maybe that's what drew him to you. You were a mystery who smelled like vanilla. It was your perfume. He would try to flirt but he got nowhere. Eventually he gave up the flirting but his interest stayed. He find ways to talk to you, getting bits and pieces of information from you.

You quickly learned he was just like you in some ways. Guarded, a past life that you don't want to talk about, loners. Somehow in all of it, as he stayed at the mansion and grew to become part of this family, he wormed his way into your heart too. Just too loners who found out that being alone together is better than being lonely.

As time passed, your relationship with Logan evolved into something you never imagined you would experience. Love. You never let yourself feel this way, too afraid that you would do the same thing to them. That you would get close, build this connection, make these memories, only for it all to come crashing down with just a single touch. These memories are precious to you. Every single one of them.

You remember the day your feelings were revealed. Both of you desperate, afraid of what they meant, but neither of you could lose each other. It was the cure. Some company had found a way to suppress the gene. The moment you heard about it you were intrigued. Your mutation wasn't fun. It didn't let you control the weather or turn things to ice. You couldn't touch people. Just like rouge you were at risk for destroying someone's whole life.

Even with the years of lessons you weren't fully in control. You never let yourself try. Logan could see it in your eyes. The confrontation wasn't pretty.

It was anger at first, wondering how you could even consider that. Then it was anger from you, years of pent up feelings releasing all at once. The fighting turned into a deep confession. An intimate moment between the two of you. He cared for you in a way that scared the shit out of him. He couldn't say the words yet but he felt them. You felt the same way but just like Logan. Something was holding you back from saying those three words.

Still you showed your love to each other in other ways. You always let him know how much you cared for him. The words died on your tongue but he knew. You hope he did.

Logan bought you a necklace. Didn't make a big deal of it but you could see the blush on his face. Tossing you the box and mumbling something about him seeing it and thinking of you. It was gorgeous. Just a simple heart necklace with two sparkling stones. One for him and one for you.

Even if you couldn't touch he wanted apart of him to be with you. It was perfect. Everything was perfect. You had Logan. You had the team, the mansion. For once you felt like your life was falling into place.

Apparently the universe didn't like that. Charles had called the team in for an important mission. You weren't on the team due to your own choosing so when Logan came back to bed he started to talk.

"Yeah some rogue mutants. Bunch of assholes who enjoy torturing humans." He grumbled as he threw his jacket on. Fixing his hair in the mirror as you sit on the bed. You're doing everything you can to stay calm, to not set off Logan's super senses.

"Some guy named Mack is their leader. Guess he's got some illusion powers or something." Logan says it all like its nothing. To him it is nothing. Just another mission. To you though, it's the beginning of the end.

"Don't know who in their right mind would do shit like that. Just a bunch of low life idiots." He spits. You wince at his harsh tone. He notices your silence and glances over at you. You're practically frozen in place. An unreadable look in your eyes.

"You alright?" Logan moves to touch your arm but you jerk it away.

"Yeah sorry, just had another nightmare last night." You lie. Logan looks at you strangely before sitting on the bed. His hand intertwining with your gloved one.

"Though I told you to wake me up." You snort and roll your eyes playfully. "And I told you the same thing." You counter. He smirks, you have him there. Part of why you go so well together.

"I'll wake you next time, I promise." There's a loud knock at the door and Logan grumbles.

"Promised some dumb kids I'd take them to the mall. Storm promised me a six pack of beer." After saying goodbye you let your smile fall.

This couldn't be happening. You thought you were finally safe, this was years ago. How could they still be around. Before Charles had found you, you were involved with this group. You weren't proud if it but you were hungry and afraid and they found you. Mutants just like you. They weren't afraid of you. In fact they were in awe of you, something you had never felt before.

You fell into their group, participating in the horrible things they'd do. You never did anything yourself. You were clean up crew. Wiping memories of anyone who saw something they weren't supposed to. Still, you enabled it all. When you finally left, it wasn't easy. You had tried to erase their memories but for some reason they could block you. You got away but they swore one day they'd come back for you. You were one of them forever now. No one would understand, no one would forgive you. You were a monster just like them.

Your mind runs a mile a minute. Thinking of everyone in the mansion. The team. Storm, Jean, Scott, Rouge...everyone.

Logan, oh god Logan.

Would he understand? He would have to. He's just like you. He did things in his past. He was violent, angry, a survivor. He never claimed to be a hero. But that doubt swirls in your mind. Fear overtakes any rational thought. You know what you have to do.

This was your fight, not theirs. You could stop them, you needed to finish what you started. Grabbing your wrinkled old backpack you stuff clothes, money, and any essentials inside of it. You had to move quick before any of the mind readers got a hint of what you were thinking.

Especially Charles. You barely had time to think about this but the fear was creeping into your mind. Poisoning it. It's better this way. It's safer this way. They've done so much for you that you owe it to them to help. You're protecting them. All of them. Logan included.

You held on tightly to the necklace he had given you. Tucking it in your shirt as you leave the room. You smiled as you walked through the halls. Saying hello to those who passed by. By the time you were at the front doors you felt a pull to keep you here.

Deep down you didn't want to leave. Of course you didn't. But you overcome the pull and walk through the doors. Refusing to look back as the mansion grows smaller in the distance. You walked for hours. Your feet aching as you finally reached some rinky dink motel. The room is depressing but for now it's home. Curling up on the bed you bury your face in the pillow.

Your heart longing for Logan. You're scared, so scared. A part of you wants to go back and find him. Tell him everything and ask for help. But then you remember what he said. How would he react knowing that you were one of them? Would he forgive you or would he turn his back on you just like Mack always said?

You barely get a moment to think before there's a loud knock at the door. Hand slamming impatiently against it. You quietly get up and look through the peephole. You cover your mouth to hide your shocked gasp. Logan. How the hell did he find you?

"I know you're in there." Oh he's angry. You open the door and Logan steps through.

"What the fuck were you thinking?!" His voice booms through the room.

"I come home to a ransacked room, I thought you were in danger. Only to be told that you ran away." He growls. He's clenching his fists tightly. How could you do this to him?

"How did you find me?" You demand as you slowly sink back towards your bag.

"Why did you leave? What's going on!" Logan is confused, lashing out on you because he just doesn't understand. Things were going great. You loved him and he loved you so why would you just run away. Away from the mansion, away from him. Did you not trust him anymore? Why?

"You wouldn't understand." You try to move past him but he grabs your shoulders and pressing you against the wall.

His claws coming out to pin you to it. The sharp adamantium knicks the chain around your neck, breaking it in two. The necklace falls to the ground but neither of you notice.

"Try me." The anger is slowly fading as he silently begs you to talk. To let him in.

"I'm sorry Logan, but I can't."

"Why not? What are you running from? I can help. Let me help." He begs. Please don't leave him. Please. He can do something. He can heal like crazy, he can track, he's fast, he's got fucking metal claws. He can help.

"You can't help me with this Logan. This is for your own good." You try to stay strong but looking into those gorgeous eyes of his was about to make you break.

"This is my fight and mine alone." He scoffs and lets go of you and starts to pace.

"Bullshit. This is our fight now. That's the deal. I lo-" He sighs and pulls you close. "Its you and me. Together." You gently trace his jaw with your gloved hands.

Tears glossing over your eyes as it takes everything in power to stay strong. To not fall into his arms. He's protected himself his whole life and you can't be the one to put him in more danger. He's a hero, he's your hero but tonight he's the love of your life and you need to protect him. Even if it feels like ripping out your own heart.

"Logan..." You say softly. He looks at you with those pretty eyes and you cup his face.

Slowly your lips brush against his. It's just a hint at first. Then it's everything at once. He smashes his lips to yours. Kissing you with a passion and need that you've dreamed off. This is your first kiss after all. It's everything you ever wanted. To feel his lips on yours. Skin to skin. You'll treasure this moment forever.

He's so wrapped up in the kiss that he doesn't notice you take your hand away. Taking off your gloves and move your hands to the side of his head. Hovering over his temples. He pulls away, breathing heavily as he leans in and kisses you again.

"I love you Logan, I love you so much." You say with tears falling down your cheeks. He realizes too late, a flash of fear as you press your hands to his face.

"No!" He roars but its too late.

Like he's in a trance he stands there. You cry as you erase every memory he has of you. He won't remember you, he won't know why he's here or how he got here. You know that you won't have long before someone else finds you and you'll erase their memory too. It's for the best. It's for his own good. His eyes flutter close as he falls to the floor. You catch his head, lowering him gently to the ground. A pillow placed under it. You can't stay, he'll wake any moment. But you have a few seconds. You lean down and place a kiss on his forehead.

"I love you Logan Howlett." You whisper gently.

You take one last look at him before grabbing your bag and running out the door. Each step apart from him is like a knife in your chest. You tell yourself this what needed to happen. You'd rather lose Logan like this than watching him suffer because of you. This way he can be happy, he can move on.

You did this for him. All of it for him.

-

Logan wakes to a pounding in his head. Confusion washes over him as he takes in his surroundings. Where the fuck is he? He doesn't remember how he got here, why he came here. He stands up and looks around the room.

"What the hell?" He mumbles to himself.

Was this a prank or something? He cracks his neck and looks around. The room is mostly empty but a small glimmer catches his eyes. He walks over and sees six holes in the wall that match his claws.

Leaning down he picks up a necklace. A heart with two stones. He winces as a sharp pain shoots through his head. He stands up and slips the necklace in his pocket, something telling him to keep it close. He feels a pain in his chest. Not physical pain but something else. Maybe he finally got drunk. Drank enough to finally fuck him up.

All he knows is that he needs to get back to the mansion. As he leaves stops for a second. He shakes his head and continues on, hopping back on his motorcycle. For a second there he swears he caught a whiff of vanilla.

Must be his imagination.

[ashlygraves]

i feel like reading Ashley’s crying fits as emotional manipulation falls into either misunderstanding or a bad faith reading of her personality. especially flashback childhood scenes. Ashley legitimately feels like if Andrew is not on board with her he hates her and wants nothing to do with her- look at her social life, the way her mother treats her. sure its not logical but her past experience with people would guide her to that conclusion. *person* doesn’t like something i do/say = i end up alone again. to hear these kinds of words come out of a child’s mouth, a responsible and mentally stable adult’s response would be to hold her hand and guide her through these feelings, and explain to her that the world does not operate in the black and white lenses she views them from…. now when is Ashley ever surrounded by someone of this description. this explanation would need to come from a parental figure, or a role model in the child’s life, somebody the child trusts and looks to for guidance. who is this person for Ashley??? Andrew. another child. not a well rounded, stable, emotionally mature adult with the past experiences to prove these thought patterns wrong. and how does he respond? by giving in. his little sister is crying, upset, and mom and dad don’t like dealing with her and explicitly tell him its his responsibility to placate her and make sure she’s taken care of and listening to them- whenever they decide they’re going to attempt at parenting that is. they never tell him how to do this, all they want is for their daughter to shut up and leave them alone. in this moment, his little sister is crying and that is unacceptable. based on his past experiences, the fastest (and only) way to solve this problem that nobody else wants to deal with is to do what she wants to do. give in. let her have her way. even in the most extreme of circumstances, because neither of them have reliable responsible role models. as they grow up, Andrew builds resentment towards his sister for this, he’s always doing whatever she wants and they’re acting on her whims because they never learned otherwise. misdirected anger that should have been angled at their parents.. so why isn’t it? because their mother was a hostile, volatile person, who punished him for straying an inch out of line. follow orders and keep up appearances, or else. make sure she does the same, or else. expressing any sort of resentment or anger towards anyone but Ashley would have resulted in an outburst from their mother. there is a line, though. Renee may not have given him any sound examples or advice to follow but she did tell him what not to do: resort to physical violence. she knows it’s not a solution to behavior, we can assume she has experience with this because of her reaction to Andrew trying it out on his sister. and in light of their parents deaths, what does Andrew resort to? physical violence. why? because he’s learned that while it may not change Ashley’s behavior (like their mother said), it makes her listen in the moment. and it feels good, to finally let out his frustrations and he won’t be punished for it. this is him ‘acting out’. he finally has the chance to act without punishment and he uses it to do the only thing that he was explicitly told not to do. why does Ashley act the way she does? because she has 2 decades of experience telling her that what she does effects everyone but herself. she has never dealt with punishment, or consequences, in her entire 20 years of life. she has never had to keep up appearances, or stay in line, because she was never given a reason to. Andrew was. soo.. Andrew’s girlfriend breaks up with him, they kill their parents, they’ve been socially isolated and starved for months with the threat of death right around the corner and then they’re both given a chance to take advantage of an object that ultimately would relieve them of consequences.. but what’s the catch? there doesn’t seem to be one, but Andrew knows better. At least in this instance.

[moonlightspencie]

And I Will Follow You Home

Chapter 6 of ‘treacherous’

Pairing: Remus Lupin x fem!Reader

Word Count: 3k

A/N: the final chapter! i may do some blurbs within this universe if anyone wants them as well, but this series is officially complete.

“Hey,” a voice came softly.

Remus turned towards the wall, unwilling to move from the bed.

“Remus.”

“What?” 

Sirius sat with his friend, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Come on, there’s a meeting downstairs in ten minutes. Most of the others have already arrived.”

Remus fell silent again, clenching his jaw. Sirius huffed a sigh, shaking his head to himself.

“You can’t keep skipping the meetings, mate. They’re important. You’re acting like a big baby.”

“You don’t understand–”

“What I understand is that she’s still showing up, and you’re not. Considering you’re so hung up on your age, you’d think you’d be more inclined to act like an adult.”

“I can’t look at her,” Remus admitted quietly, pulling the covers over his shoulders.

He had hardly been able to look at himself in the mirror after that night, let alone come face to face with you. You’d admitted you loved him, and all he could do was wreck it. It’s all he ever seemed to do, he thought, was to wreck things. He knew he was acting like a child and a coward, but he couldn’t bring himself to admit he’d wanted you just as much. Now he was coming to terms with the fact that he may never have the chance again.

“She still looks for you every time she comes into the house, you know?” Sirius said, crossing his arms.

“Probably so she can steer clear.”

“You’re the one who practically told her no.”

“No, I didn’t,” he snapped suddenly. “I didn’t. I just–”

“You just told her you didn’t want her right now. That’s just as bad, mate.”

He was quiet, the guilt creeping in again, washing over him. Sirius let out a breath, standing from the bed.

“We start in ten minutes. Be there, Mooney, or else I’m bringing everyone else up here,” he stated, then left the room.

You were sitting in a chair in the kitchen, trying hard not to think about the fact that Remus was a staircase and a couple of doors away from you. It had been weeks since you’d seen him, and unfortunately, absence really did make the heart grow fonder. You fiddled with the spoon you’d used for your tea nearly an hour ago, waiting for Sirius to return. So, it felt extra foolish when your heart began racing as you heard someone enter the kitchen, only to find Sirius giving you a small smile.

“Oh. Hey.”

He quirked a brow. “Wow. What a warm welcome that was.”

You let out a short laugh. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I get it. Tall, dark, and moody’s more your thing,” he teased, sitting next to you. “He’ll be at the meeting today.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

You shrugged. “I mean… what else am I supposed to say?”

“I don’t know,” he shook his head. “I just hate seeing you upset like this. Thought it might cheer you up to see him.”

“What, you think I’ll be all fluttery and excited for him to ignore me all evening?”

“Snippy.”

You sighed. “He doesn’t… He avoids me at all costs, now, Siri. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.”

“No. You were in the right. He’s just a big baby who can’t handle his emotions.”

“Mm.”

“Hey,” he said softly, waiting for you to look at him. “He does love you.”

“Not enough.”

“But one day–”

“It shouldn’t be an if-and-when, Sirius. The world is literally falling apart and he still refuses to be with me. What else would possibly compel him?”

He swallowed, looking a little more somber as his eyes darted down to the counter. “I don’t know, Sunshine. But you both deserve to be happy.”

“Tell that to him.”

“I’ve tried. He’s a stubborn fucker.”

You laughed a bit at that. “He is.”

“You love it about him, though, don’t you? Head over heels for some raggedy, old mule.”

“Hot, raggedy, old mule, to be fair.”

“Gross,” he laughed.

“But… no. I really don’t love that bit about him. I wish it would catch on fire and disintegrate.”

“Come on, but then he wouldn’t be Mooney.”

“But he’d love me.”

He opened his mouth to respond, but came up short, merely pulling you into his side in a hug. You let him hold you, leaning into him. As if on cue, though, Dumpling came strolling in, his chubby little body bumping against your feet, heading straight for his favorite uncle.

“He’s obsessed with you,” you said, watching as Sirius picked him up.

“Who wouldn’t be?” He winked, that cheeky smirk of his shining through as he kissed Dumpling’s soft forehead. “Horrible little beast. Quite the attention hog.”

“Two peas in a pod.”

He chuckled, cradling the cat as Dumpling purred away. You reached over, petting the little traitor as he snuggled up happily to Sirius. You hadn’t even registered that anyone had come into the kitchen until you heard a voice that had you jumping out of your skin from one small word.

“Oh,” Remus muttered softly, freezing up as he looked between you and Sirius. Though he never quite met your eye. “Sorry. Just came for some tea before the meeting.”

“There’s a kettle on the stove. Probably just needs to be heated again,” Sirius responded.

“Right,” Remus nodded, walking quickly to the stove.

Your eyes followed him the whole way, that familiar warm feeling still blooming in your chest as it always did when he was around. 

“I brought a new flavor. Vanilla Caramel,” you blurted out. “If you want some. It’s sweet.”

Remus nodded, not turning around. “Okay.”

You chewed your lip, watching him carefully. You wanted to go over there and kiss him silly again. You also wanted to slap him. But mostly, you just wanted him to look at you.

“I made Sirius go for some cream, too.”

“Right.”

“Your favorite mug is in the cupboard.”

He only nodded that time.

You huffed out a breath, looking to Sirius for help, though he was too preoccupied petting your cat. You looked at Remus again, still standing like stone in front of the stove. You suddenly stood, going to the cupboard to get his mug. You brought it to the counter you were sitting at, setting it right in the center. You then went to get the cream and sugar, leaving them next to the mug. Finally, you reached for the tea, putting a bag in his mug before you sat down again. If he wouldn’t look at you, you could at least get him to face you.

“Why’d you do that?” Sirius asked, a little bewildered at your behavior.

“Thought it would be easier for Remus to prepare his tea if it was all set out.”

Sirius raised a brow at you, then glanced at Remus who was just turning off the whistling kettle.

“Well… Dumpling and I will be… somewhere,” Sirius nodded once, a tiny smirk in your direction as he stood, walking out of the room with the cat.

Remus finally turned, pouring the steaming water into the mug. “You didn’t have to do this.”

“I know.”

He was quiet, filling the mug and then letting it sit for a moment as the tea leaves steeped.

You watched him for a second. “You’ve been missing meetings.”

“I’ve been busy.”

“With who?”

He huffed a sigh in frustration. “Nobody. You know that.”

“You’re acting like you have something to hide. How am I supposed to know?”

“You should know because I…” he shook his head, cutting himself off. “I’m not seeing anybody. I’m not even talking to anyone except for Sirius.”

“Hm,” you nodded slowly, then looked back at him, studying his face as he looked into the cup. “I’ve missed you.”

“Please don’t start.”

“You’re being a dick. We were friends first, you know? I’m allowed to miss you.”

He finally looked at you, feeling his chest compress when he met your eyes. He wanted to snark back. He wanted to push you away. Despite the guilt he felt, he didn’t want to hurt you even more. But his pull to you felt just as magnetic as ever.

“How do you not hate me?”

“Probably because I love you.”

He shook his head. “Don’t say that.”

“Quit trying to tell me what to do,” you shot back. “Trust me, if I could stop, I would.”

He frowned, looking back at his cup of tea, wishing he could drown in it. His jaw clenched, his head shaking softly again.

“Darling…”

“You said you didn’t want me,” you uttered quietly.

“No, I didn’t.”

“You may as well have.”

“I don’t want to lose you. There’s a difference.”

“That’s fucking ridiculous, and you know it.”

He sighed. “How? You’re… you’re everything. You’re brilliant and beautiful and kind and… and I don’t deserve someone like you.”

“Why do you have to insist on–” you stop, groaning in annoyance. “I can’t keep arguing about this. Why can’t you just trust me?”

“It’s not you I don’t trust. It’s myself.”

“You’re so dramatic,” I roll my eyes. 

“No, I’m not. I’m being–”

“Sirius told me about you breaking his lamp. That’s drama.”

His cheeks went pink. “I only did that because you stormed out on me!”

“Yeah, because you all but told me you would never be with me!”

“I told you I loved you!”

“No, you didn’t. I said you didn’t and you said ‘I do’. That’s not the same thing as saying the words.”

“Well, I… I…”

You stared at him, waiting for him to continue. He blinked, staring at you with wide eyes.

“I love you.”

You all but gasped with the breath you sucked in, your stomach fluttering as his eyes were still glued to yours.

“Remus…”

“The meeting is starting soon,” he said, abandoning his tea on the counter as he started to move towards the door of the kitchen.

“Please don't do this again,” you begged, grabbing his arm. “Please. Stop running.”

“Baby, I can’t look at you without wanting you in every way possible. Please don’t make this harder for me.”

“You just said you love me. Just let me believe that’s true.”

He shook his head, turning to you fully. “It is true.”

“Why are you trying to leave again, then? Stop doing that to me.”

“I– I already told you. I can’t lose you.”

“The only way you’ll lose me is by pushing me away like this,” you said, voice raised in frustration. “We already did this once, Remus, and then you avoided me for a month. Don’t do that again.”

“You don’t understand what this is for me–”

“Then make me understand.”

He let out a shaky breath, his eyes drawing all over your face for a few moments as you waited with baited breath for him to say anything. He went over every possible response in his head, but only one won out.

You shuddered a breath against him as his lips suddenly met yours in a kiss that was far more hungry than the one you’d shared last time you were together. His arms went around your waist, pulling you tightly into his chest, his grip possessive and needy. His tongue pushed into your mouth, leaving you whining softly, your hands in his hair.

“Don’t ever tell me I don’t love you,” he muttered against your lips as he broke away for a moment. “Or that I don’t want you. I want you more than anything.”

“Then have me,” you whispered back.

He stared at you, his eyes hooded and focused in on your lips. Though, you were both taken out of it as you heard Dumbledore’s muffled voice calling the Order meeting to start.

“Fuck,” you breathed out, head dropping against his shoulder.

He took a few deep breaths, stroking your hair softly. “We should go.”

“I know.”

“We can… We can talk about this later…”

You looked up at him. “You have to promise you won’t run again. Actually listen to me this time. I don’t want to argue.”

“Baby.” He frowned a little.

“Please, Remus. You can’t kiss me like that and expect me to be content with friendship.”

“I–”

“Just promise you’ll listen this time.”

“O-okay. Okay, fine,” he nodded. “Promise.”

You stared for another few seconds before nodding as well. You then broke away, intending on going to the meeting, though not before he grabbed your arm, pulling you into one more kiss. His lips moved against yours softly, but certainly not lacking passion. It only lasted for fifteen seconds before he pulled away again.

“Okay,” he whispered. “Okay, we can go now.”

You nodded, hoping you’d be able to pull yourself together enough to not be a flustered mess through the meeting. Though, you were certain by Sirius’s shit-eating grin when you’d both walked in that he knew within milliseconds. The bastard.

The meeting felt excruciatingly long, your gaze frequently being drawn to Remus who looked as calm and cool as ever. Also a bastard.

It wasn’t until you were back at Remus’s home, however, that you really started feeling the nerves kick in. You were in the living room, in the spot you’d always sit in, waiting for him to bring the tea. You stared hard at the coasters on the coffee table that hadn’t moved since the first time you’d ever been in the room. Now, though, you felt compelled as you leaned forward, pushing them a little closer together.

He came out a few minutes later, glancing down at the coasters, noticing their new position. He smiled a little to himself, though didn’t say anything as he sat down the mugs of tea. But this time, instead of sitting with you, he went to get a book from his shelf. You watched curiously as he browsed, searching seemingly for a specific book.

“What are you looking for?”

“Hold on.”

You chuckled softly. “Pardon me for the impatience.”

He shook his head, the ghost of a smile on his lips. He finally pulled out a book. “Ah.”

“Which one is that?” you asked as he came to sit next to you, closer than usual. 

He flipped through the pages, looking for one in particular.

“Here it is,” he said at last, showing the page to you. “Do you remember this?”

You nodded. “Of course I do. It's the first thing I ever read to you here.”

“It is.” He nodded, reading over it. “I… This line, here. The underlined one…”

“‘If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me’,” you read from the book. 

“If you can believe it… I was convinced I loved you then. I was sure you’d never feel the same. And then… Then I found out you did. It terrifies me.”

“It terrifies you that I love you?”

He nodded, looking directly at you. “You’re too good for me. You have to know that.”

“Stop saying that.”

“It’s true.”

“No, it’s not.”

“It is,” he replied softly, bringing a hand up to your cheek. “It is true. And you can believe it isn’t all you want, but–”

“Stop. Please.”

“You need to understand.”

“I understand that you think you’re some kind of monster. I understand that you’re scared. What you need to understand is that I don’t care about any of that,” you say softly. “Remus… You’re right that it would be hard to be together sometimes, with everything going on. I could go be with someone who’d be easier to be with, but I don’t want anybody else. Hell, I worked day and night just to develop a potion because I knew it would help you.”

“Why are you so insistent on being with me?”

“Because you’re everything to me.”

He let out a soft breath. “You’re foolish.”

“And you’re a little bitch sometimes, but I love you anyways,” you tease, reaching up to hold his wrist as his hand stayed on your cheek. 

He scoffed a laugh. “You’ve been spending too much time with Sirius.”

“You were ignoring me for weeks. I had to hang out with someone.”

His smile faded. “I thought you hated me.”

“I could never.”

He took in a breath. “If… If you want this… like, really want this with me… you have to know that I can’t give you a peaceful life.”

“But will you love me?”

“Of course.”

“That’s enough.”

He swallowed down a lump in this throat. “It’s not always enough to just have love.”

“It will be, though. You’re kind, loyal, smart. Not to mention handsome,” you smile a little, as does he, his cheeks a little pink. “Whatever comes with being with you… I want it. All of it.”

“You don’t–”

“You all but told me you wouldn’t be with me, and you were still all I could think of after the fact. You have me already, Remus. You know that. I’m not going to shy away now.”

“You have me, too. In an iron grip, apparently.”

You laugh a little. “I don’t care what goes wrong. There’s far too much that’s right, and no matter how foolish you think that is, I think you’re ten times more dumb for trying to ignore that.”

He shook his head. “I… absolutely adore you.”

“Is that you saying you want this?”

“It’s me saying that you’ve somehow changed my mind. I think you’ve hexed me.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

He smiled. “Can’t help it. Most beautiful woman in the world is in front of me, you can’t expect me to be thinking clearly.”

You leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. He kissed back, just as gently, resting both of his hands on your cheeks.

“You moved the coasters closer,” he whispered.

“I did.”

“The tea is still hot.”

“It is,” you replied, raising a brow.

He sucked in a breath, eyes falling down and over your form. “So… we have some time before it cools off.”

The faintest smirk crept onto your face. “We do.”

Sunlight streamed in the room at sunrise, falling on two full, cold cups of tea, matching coasters, and a still-open book.

[alicia-18]

Second Choice — Eminem x Reader

Summary; Y/N was used to being a second choice to everyone, so it didn’t surprise her at all when Marshall broke off their situationship in order to give things a try with Kim again. But she was surprised by the emotions that came with it.

Warnings; this fic will include mentions of domestic violence (not between Em and Y/N), drug and alcohol abuse, adult content, swearing, idiots in love, and moments where you hate both Eminem and yourself :)

Chapter Six; Album Announcement

"You ready?" Your manager, Stephan, asked as he fished the coffee cup from your hand. The pout you gave him made a smile twitch at the corner of his mouth and his eyes to roll.

"It's just an interview, Steph. It's not that deep." You chuckled, and adjusted your black vest top, that cut off just above your belly button and lace detailing over your exposed cleavage. After the party a few days before, you had decided to keep to yourself and have a couple days to detox from the world. You stayed home with your best friend in pyjamas and eating take out, and now was thankful because you had your first interview promoting your upcoming album.

The nervous look on Steph's face made your confidence falter. "What?" You questioned, just as the interviewer began introducing you. You hadn't ever been interviewed by this particular woman before, but this was a big deal for you as her audience was much larger then the other shows you had came on.

"It's fine, you're fine. Just don't react too bad—" Steph was cut off by the assistant who began pulling you towards the interviewer. As it was on live tv, you didn't have the luxury of asking for a couple minutes.

Your mind spiralled as you tried to confidently strut to the interviewer, your black heels which were just about poking out from underneath your cargo pants clicking with every step you took. She smiled at you pleasantly, her cue cards tightly clutched in her tanned hands. Planting on a bright smile, you greeted her with a friendly embrace before sitting down and flicking your left leg over the right.

"How are you, Y/N?" She politely asked, her brown eyes flicking down to her cue cards with a glint in them. You knew from her expression she had something juicy on them, something you probably wasn't going to enjoy hearing. Why else would she be so excited to read her cards? Despite this, you didn't allow your grin to falter.

"I'm doing really well, thank you! How are you?" You deflected, hoping if she was pulled into enough small talk she'd lower her cards just enough for you to read and thus avoid being attacked by whatever was on them. She blinked back at you, clearly shocked by the reciprocated question, but pulled herself together quickly.

"Better now having met you!" She pandered, which made you chuckle. "I've got to say, I am a big fan of your music." She confessed, though probably didn't mean it. You had learned that about reporters, they often lied to seem more on your side so you was more inclined to give them the insider scoop. Still, you refused to show you saw through her and just thanked her with a polite smile and tucked your hair behind your ear.

"Although I am such a big fan, another rapper has recently come out with some strong opinions regarding both you and your music. Have you seen Ja Rule's most recent interview?" She asked with elated eyes. She knew you hadn't. She could see the flash of anger that fell through your stare, and the way your shoulders involuntarily tensed.

"I haven't, actually. I try not to pay him too much attention. Usually he comes out with all his opinions when his songs ain't selling so good so he can become relevant again." You smirked as you revealed your opinion in words that would be sure to annoy the other rapper. You had never had any beef with him in the past, not having been well enough known you presumed.

The interviewer was practically bubbling over with delight, knowing this interview was going to trend and she was the one to be able to instigate it all. "He was asked for his opinion on you after your new album announcement on Monday." She began, then cleared her throat. "His quote is 'She ain't got no real talent, man. Her mouth's too busy working on Dre, 50 and Em's dicks to be spitting anythin' good. Probably takes one in every hole at the same time." Your heart stopped as an uncontrollable level of rage flooded your system quicker then you could contain. You let out a short, humourless chuckle and blinked to try and formulate a coherent thought.

"What's your thoughts on that, Y/N?" The interviewer pressed after a couple seconds of your stunned silence. You pulled yourself away from your murderous thoughts and continued to smile.

"My thoughts is that he must be really fuckin' bored to be making comments about my music. Not only is he calling me a whore, he's called me talentless." You scoffed and took a small breath before continuing. "To be honest though, I'm really not surprised he thinks I can't spit. He has Suge Knight's dick so far up his ass he can't pay attention to my song content, the little bitch boy." You could see Steph covering his face with his hands at your comment whilst the interviewer looked positively thrilled. Maybe this is what he meant by getting too angered? She put her cue cards down and continued the interview based solely on your comment, any thoughts about your new album completely abandoned.

"Over the two years you've been under Aftermath Records, you have been pictured with all three men countless times in compromising positions. We actually have a few of those right here." She gestured to the screen behind her so that both you and the audience could see the slideshow of photos. You snorted at the idea of ever being in a 'compromising position' with either Dre or 50, the entire idea seemingly unfeasible. Marshall however... You just hoped no one had caught you both in the act and then had the nerve to photograph it.

The first was you with all three of them, you stood between Em and 50 whilst Dre was stood beside Marshall. It was at the party thrown for your first single that reached the charts, only a couple months after you had signed with the label. Both you and Em had your middle fingers up, and 50's arm was hooked round your shoulders in a friendly embrace. You couldn't see anything particularly wrong with it besides your close proximity to the three of them. The next photo was of just you and Dre. You were both sat in the back of a car, practically black out drunk. You didn't remember that night that very well, but knew you were in the car with Dre as he was making sure you got home okay. Then another was shown with just 50, you were mid sentence, outside some club. Your cheeks went hot as you remembered why you was outside with him. The photo captured the moment you are running a hand through your hand and he had a hand on your back in a comforting hold. What the photo couldn't capture was you drunkenly raving about Marshall pissing you off. It was one of the times you saw a woman throw themselves at him and he had left with her. You were freshly sleeping with him and far too intoxicated, which resulted in you becoming jealous. The next morning you had sworn 50 to secrecy, firmly stating you don't care what he does and it was just the drugs and alcohol talking. As far as you were aware, he has kept the promise of not telling anyone about your intoxicated ramblings.

The final photo was of you, Em and Proof. Now, you could admit it looked bad. You were sat on Marshall's lap, his hand leisurely strewn around your back and resting on your bare thigh. And whilst yes, you were sleeping together at this time, you only sat there because you were mid conversation with Proof as they sat on the small couch and there was no room for you. Did you have to sit down? No, but doing so resulted in going home with Marshall, something you saw as a plus at the time.

The interviewer looked positively delighted as the next slide just had all four photos on at once. You rolled your eyes and leant back in your chair, your annoyance bubbling. "Now tell me, have you ever had a relationship with any of them?" She leant forward as she asked, as if she was just one of your girlfriends asking and it wasn't being broadcasted on live television.

"No, I haven't ever had a relationship with any of them. Are they my friends? Yes, some of my closest in fact. But just because I'm a woman that automatically means I must be dating one of them?" You scoffed and rolled your eyes for the millionth time, your patience wearing extremely thin. This was supposed to be promoting your album, for fucks sake! Now it had just become all about your relationship history.

"Well you have to admit that last photo makes it look like you and Eminem are very close." She pushed, earning a hard stare from you. The look you gave only made her smile brighten. As if she could sense she was treading on a thin line but didn't care.

"We are close. He's a big inspiration for me actually, much like 50 and Dre are too." You countered, arching a singular brow. Your words stopped being laced with politeness, ready to just end the interview. Walking out would make it seem like you had something to hide — and you technically did as you had been sleeping with Em for the majority of 2004.

"What does his wife think about your relationship with him?" Her words made your entire body freeze. This bitch really just brought up Kim? The friendly smile on her face was looking really punchable right about now. You went silent for a moment, your face completely blank as the question threw you. You tried to collect yourself quickly, but knew she caught your pause.

"I'm not sure what she thinks about our friendship. I haven't met her." You bluntly responded, and uncrossed then recrossed your legs. The interviewer was eating everything you said up, and your bluntness did very little to deter her.

"Well I personally wouldn't want to see my husband that close to another female. Would you feel comfortable with that if you were married?" The photo of you on Em's lap enlarged again, and you avoided looking at it. You blatantly glared back at the woman before you and clenched your fist.

"They weren't together when that photo was taken, not that it's particularly any of your's or anyone else's business." You ran a hand through your hair and was all about to leave but she was quicker.

"Oh so you admit the pair of you had a closer friendship when he was single? One filled with intimate touches like that one?" She grinned menacingly, and jumped to continue before you could counter her. "And when he was separated from his wife, the mother of his child, didn't you feature on one of his songs? The song Superman, in which you played the part of a woman quite literally sleeping with him?" That was the last straw for you. She was deliberately trying to paint you as a slut who was inserting herself in his marriage. You had recorded that song with him in 2003, before either of you made any move on the other, and you did it as it was a good way to get your name out there. Her insinuations broke any remanence of patience you had left.

"What is your fuckin' problem? I came here to talk about my upcoming album, not Dre, 50, Em and especially not on his marriage. I'm not some groupie who gets passed around Aftermath like a whore." You cursed, before standing with enough intensity to send the chair clattering to the tiled floor and stormed off. Steph called for you, but you completely blanked him in favour of getting out of the building as quick as possible.

Dre, Proof and Em were all sat at the studio watching the interview in completely silence. The interviewer blinked at the upturned chair for a moment before turning to the camera, a wicked smirk on her lips. "It seems my questions may have touched a nerve there." She shrugged with a light giggle, though the rest of her words were silenced by the sound of Marshall's phone ringing. He cursed loudly as he looked at the ID: Kim.

MASTERLIST

[channelinglament]

Self Aware HypMic?

(What kind of rabbit hole I'm falling in?)

It goes as if you did this 2 ways

- You played the game

- You watched the anime/read manga

(If u didn't it's alr tho)

Let's begin!

.

.

.

☆

'Kay, so game verse and anime/manga verse are kind of different. Even the game name says "alternative rap battle" instead of division rap battle.

(I assume u already know TDD Era and stuff.)

.

.

It was another mundane day of your life. Pillows surrounded your figure, as you flipped pages of the manga (online or not, up to you). Your drink of choice nearby you, ready to be drank and yet, you are too preoccupied with a manga that you recently found out about. This past months, you've been listening to drama tracks, the songs and reading the manga. The storyline is quite complicated in the beginning, but the more you read, the more you understand. You felt so many emotions during the reading process. Sadness, anger, happiness, love. You were so hooked on it.

Unbeknownst to you, figures inside the said manga were having an existenal crisis. Nothing really new to Ramuda, but you get me. The days have been going as they used to. Rap battles went well. Nothing seemed out of place except for the strange feeling. The feeling of being watched. No one understood why did they feel this way. It was not a stalker was it? They became paranoid, until they started hearing voices. Who is it..?

.

.

.

First ones to become self-aware: Ramuda, Rio, Saburo, Kuko(?), Sasara, Iris, Gentaro, Doppo, Otome.

Everyone finds out or accepts it later, then the characters I listed.

I think some of them hated you, some didn't mind you, while others ignored you. They thought you would leave after a while, and yet, you stay. Why are you watching them?

For some reason they can somewhat feel what you feel towards them. Perhaps their universe is intune with your emotions? Would...would they all die if you stopped liking them?

Their world seems to constantly change as well. Why? Some days you were watching them, and sometimes talking. Other days you..sang along with them? Tried to help them sing better? Helped them during some battles..? (Game moments)

It certainly took everyone a good while to warm up to you. Some warmed up quicker than others (Dice and Jiro, they thought you were some guardian angel or something. Like- you're helping them fr)

.

.

I'll expand on this suff and world building later. Now, let's move on.

.

.

(I may write for Secret Aliens, but I don't know them much so idk)

Depending on reader's age, it will be a romantic or platonic piece.

Reader is 18+?

Romantic: Ichiro, Jyushi, Kuko, Jiro(?), Dice, maybe Nemu.

Others are platonic

Reader is 25+?

Romantic: MTC, Hifumi, Doppo, Ramuda, Gentaro, Sasara, Rosho

Others are platonic.

Reader is a teen?

Romantic: Saburo, Jiro.

Everyone else is platonic. Even this, depends entirely on age of the reader. (I have a few 13+ readers, and more 16+ readers)

Reader is 30+?

Romantic: Jakurai, Hitoya

Others are platonic (I don't write for Rei)

I honestly am 15, so I feel more comfortable with characters that aren't older than 20 heh.

Aka Saburo, Jiro, Ichiro, Kuko, Jyushi and etc.

Even tho I stated in 25+ as platonic, I know that ppl who r 25 can date ppl 20+, so yeah, you may specify if romantic or platonic? Tbh I don't know much abt adult relationships sorry.

I don't write for Rei

Also Hifumi warming up to reader depends on gender (We all know why)

Everything else goes by my rules, pinned post :^

Masterlist

[insufferableprotagonistpoll]

Round 1

Propaganda why Elena Gilbert is insufferable:

"I wouldn't have such a problem with her if she didn't get others involved. Liking two people at once isn't a problem. Stringing them along is a problem. Constantly hanging around people that she knows is actively trying to kill her/want her dead or their relatives is so stupid like don't do that maybe. Having people stop what they are doing and dropping everything(especially if it's important) because she is in danger/trouble. Making people have to make tough decisions, sometimes affecting other people, and then not even offering up an apology about it(looking at you season 3)"

"The first 3 seasons made her so bad!! I understand the trauma but stringing along 2 brothers was ridiculous. Like, make up your mind and stop toying with their emotions. And then everything was about her! Every time she was in trouble, everything had to be put on hold to find her and help her and sometimes she wasn't even grateful about it and would end up in stupid situations again and again and again. Lowkey, she's the reason why Bonnie has been through the wringer, especially in the 3rd season. But as the seasons progressed, she did start to warm up my cold little heart"

"have you seen the show? she has little to no common sense, no standards, makes the most boring choices for every scenario, and isn't a good person. the show acts like she's a golden child when she's really just a boring child. dating adult men. who stalk her. and her biggest personality trait is saying "Stefan!" and "Damon!" when she experiences any emotion. idk man Nina Dobrev did NOT get the role for her acting skills (or lack thereof) that's for sure"

"Her biggest problem seems to be choosing between Nice Guy™️ and Bad Boy™️?? Meanwhile her best friend Bonnie is cleaning up everyone's shit. Elena is what happens when adults write teenagers without ever having interacted with a teenager."

Propaganda why Nesta Archeron is insufferable:

"Cruel and abrasive to everyone she meets, even the people who have done absolutely nothing to her. Verbally and emotionally abusive to her sister who was keeping the whole family alive, then initially refuses to help the same sister in a life or death situation later. Threatens to kill the same sister for asking for her help in a massive war affecting everyone on their continent. Blames everyone else for her problems and acts like no one else has ever suffered because they hide it better than her. Most insufferably, she pushes everyone away on purpose by bringing up their insecurities, then is sad when they don't want to be around her and don't like her."

"She is full of herself and spends the start of the book being a drunk bitch who refuses to get off her ass because the world fucking hates her despite the fact that there is a ton of characters willing to help. And then you need to root for her because no she got molested and abused and whatever the fuck else"

[msfbgraves]

Season 6 is dead to me. Johnny Lawrence is absolute trash, and once again the show tries to make Daniel look lesser somehow. Fuck the CK writers.

S1 Johnny Lawrence was an asshole. And we saw where that got him. Poor, drunk, jobless, facedown on the floor. His kid hates him. And they said, come on, hear him out. He may be completely out of touch but there's potential yet. And just occassionally, he may have a point. Let's see him crawl back to some meaning in his life. That's fine, actually. Gosh darn it don't we hope some people in our lives would! Or maybe we ourselves have had to pick ourselves back up!

But now it's trying to sell us this attitude is fine. You'll get the girl! Your son will forgive you! Your high school crush is still into you! Consequences? You're above that. Caring for others? You don't have to. You're a white middle aged male, so violence, emotional unavailability, insensitivity, an unwillingness to get with the times, selfishness, belligerence, are A-OK! Because men who cook, are kind, considerate, responsible, well groomed, and financially stable are inferior! We'll show you how inferior, by God! Why should you try to repair what you broke? Move on, move up! Your son whom you've neglected again and again and again and again will forgive you because you are a MAN, you fucked a woman to make him and therefore he owes you. Doesn't matter what you do. Now, your surrogate son who has never criticised you, that's your emotional connection. You don't have to take care of him, he has women to do that. Men don't take care of anyone. And yes, if you treat your girlfriend badly she will cut you off and hurt your child but that's OK! You don't owe anyone anything and deserve to fail upward. What the fuck kind of message is that? It's wish fulfillment for men who don't want to take responsibility. Because they couldn't stomach the opposite message. It has to be destroyed. And the writers are not even ironic about it. None of those real world consequences. Carmen would have dropped Johnny like a hot potato. Miguel would have been in a wheelchair. Robby would have stopped trying with Johnny. Daniel would have probably thought the better of teaching karate. People would have been sued left right and centre. But what we get is how these writers want men to be: behind the times, mean, underachieving misogynistic bigoted bullies. These writers think men should rule the world by virtue of having and being a dick. And the one shred of compassion I feel is that they seem to think that being an asshole is part of being an adult. They cannot imagine adult men being sincerely kind. Daniel is an adult and a father, so he must be mean. Mr Miyagi is an adult and a father, so he must be mean! There's no other way for an adult man to be! If an adult man is not mean, he must be hiding something. Because there is no other way. Men are cruel. This may hurt boys for the rest of their lives but they'll learn. It's the way of the world [It's not]. Any other message must be corrected. They can't fathom anything else! And I can pity that but I mostly want it tf out of my face. Because there are men who can imagine better for themselves and for young boys. Because who would you rather be around: an aggressive drunk who treats everyone terribly or a kind man who has had his fill of the violence of the world and rather spends time fixing things? Sure that's not as exciting, but if you want excitement, go do sports, get on stage, try to travel, and yes, live vicariously through a villain sometimes. But don't pretend he's right...!

[lila-pitts-apologist]

Not to rise from the dead and post on here after months, but I wanted to touch on an aspect of the show that I feel is misunderstood by the fandom, especially in season 3.

I hate to bring it up at all, but I’m talking about Luther and Allison’s relationship(?). I know it’s a part of the series that most of us ignore or joke about, but in actuality it sheds light on how the siblings were raised, especially Allison, in a sadly realistic way.

While I obviously see Allison and Luther’s relationship as troublesome and unhealthy/weird, I don’t think I have the same ‘gawk in disgust’ reaction other people in the fandom seem to have when the complexity of the relationship is brought up.

This isn’t because I think incest (what I would label the relationship, even if it was more emotional than physical!) is acceptable, but because I think it makes total sense within the show, especially within the character dynamics of Allison and Luther.

Even though it’s a hard thing to bring up, sibling incest is more common than we think. It’s not always full-out or malicious, but it does occur way more often than most of us would assume. Specifically, it’s more likely to occur amongst siblings that are not properly socialized as youths, or ones who are full on isolated.

When we think of isolation we think of olden time families living on a farm cut off from any other societies, and I feel like that makes people underestimate how much the Hargreeves siblings were isolated from their peers and just other people.

I mean, we’ve seen Reginald’s parenting! The kids make their superhero debut at age 11, and by the way it’s described who knows if the kids ever even properly went outside before then. Growing up the Hargreeves had only the seven of them (6 if we account for Viktor’s separation).

All of the personal growth, all of the curiosity about the outside world, all of the teenage melancholia and growing pains, all of it has to occur within the bounds of the seven siblings because there’s literally no one else.

So of course this is going to make for oddly bonded children! Of course they’re going to blur the lines of what siblings should act like, because they know no objective standards! We see this in their competitiveness stemming from being pitted against each other, we see it in their ‘ride or die’ mindset even when they don’t like each other, and we see it in Allison and Luther.

I see the fandom spin it into Allison and Luther being freaks, especially as the other siblings find it odd as well. While I agree it’s weird, I think it’s unfair to paint it simply as ‘grown adults have a thing for their own sibling’ because we’re then ignoring their unique upbringing.

I mean, i find it hard to even treat the siblings as adults on an emotional level, because they were never truly allowed the development needed to grow into stable, mature adults.

You have one sibling who is reared to crave attention and validation, who didn’t see much kindness or empathy due to his envy-inducing status as Number 1. And you have another sibling who is purposely left devoid of proper morals, who is used to getting everything she wants and being wanted by everyone in the way she wants them to, by charm or by force.

Is it really hard to see what those siblings would find in each other, the validation that they surely would’ve found in non-relatives had they been allowed to grow up normally?

One of my favorite parts of TUA is that it’s not afraid to give us a fucked up family, exploring how such an unorthodox childhood allows for ugliness to rear its head in the craziest places. To me, the too-intimate bond of Allison and Luther isn’t something to just be written off as an awkward writing choice, it’s another very real and sad example of how the Hargreeves’ morals and minds were doomed from the start.

[janis-imiike]

꩜ Janis's pov.

I definitely hate changes.

People always insist on pretending to be some fake kind of spiritual guru and say some shit like "changes are good, you should allow yourself more." And honestly, every time something changed suddenly for me, it was fucking terrifying.

My first day of school, my first broken bone, my first kiss... Everything was traumatizing, to levels i could never explain. I know it might seem selfish of me to be so reserved that i sometimes end up depriving myself of new experiences. Maybe, who knows, meeting different people? Trying a new flavor of ice cream, going to a party on a Saturday night like any other teenager. It would be so much easier to just be like everyone else, but my mind chose the opposite, and sometimes it drives me crazy.

To be honest, i can't say i've done everything the same way every day. In my defense, just yesterday i chose salad instead of fries for lunch. Did it taste good? No. Was it a wise decision? Obviously not, but thinking about it, it was kind of fun to feel healthy for a few moments.

But what the fuck do you mean by "You’re 18 now. Time to be an adult, in a few months, you'll be going to college."? Like, i don’t know if anyone has ever been prepared for this, but i definitely, with all certainty in the world, am not.

I've been experiencing new emotions this past year. Maybe they’re not entirely new, but they’ve changed a lot, reinvented themselves for the better, way better than they used to be. The bad ones are still here, for sure, but less often than usual. I think the scariest thing about feelings is that they transform in the blink of an eye, and you only realize it when you're already drowning or about to take your last conscious breath.

Feelings have made me a different person, and that scares me more than any broken bone. What i'm trying to say is that feelings don’t usually heal, and i'm the type who's much better at hiding physical scars.

[fanaticallyfleeky]

the Eddie Buck "epic friendship" or "brotherhood" in my view is some mythical phantom creature that gets talked about constantly by cast, journalists, writers and in fandom but you never actually get to see it. We see Buck being a friend but not Eddie and I don´t even remember it ever being different in previous seasons either.

I start to see the same problem with Eddie being a "good father". It gets talked about but when was the last time we got to actually see it? And I think it all comes down to Tim not being able to write Eddie. He just wants to see Ryan Guzman on screen, that is where his ambitions for Eddie as a character start and end and why he puts Eddie in tighty whiteys, has him dance in his living room and calls it a day. The actual storytelling and character development gets outsourced to post episode interviews. No wonder we get flooded with those after every single episode

You know what Nonny, I think you’re pretty much dead-on. And I love to know that you felt welcome and save enough to share this with me in my inbox❤️

I honestly had to put my phone away, take a walk and remind myself that I’m an adult and this just a fictional show, because my blood was boiling. Seeing all the BoBs scream and shout how this was the perfect buddie episode and “this definitely means bddie canon 2025 omg”. How?! Genuine question. how?! This seems more and more like a toxic platonic friendship, let alone a romantic one.

I don’t know why this depiction of their so-called “friendship” makes me so angry and sad at the same time. Maybe it hits a little too close to home because I’ve been hurt by an - in hindsight - very much one-sided friendship? Could be. I think everyone has this experience at least once in their life. Maybe it’s because once upon a time I did enjoy Buck and Eddie [and in a real dark past bddie too, but shht] and I too thought they had the perfect ride or die co-parent friendship. Maybe it makes me sad that, without those rose-coloured glasses on, I know start to notice how toxic it actually is and has been in the past seasons as well.

I don’t know. I do know that it makes me want to continue watching this show even less.

I do want to emphasise two things. One, I don’t think Buck is a perfect little uwu angle who does nothing wrong. He is an adult man with some serious flaws he should work on and he really can act out like we saw this episode.

However

What makes me sad is that the overarching theme seems to be that Buck always needs to stuff down his own feelings in favour of everyone else (*cough* especially and very often in favour of Eddie *cough*). And if he tries to communicate how he feels he gets hit with the good old “stop making this about you Buck”.

Two, in my heart, I do think Eddie is a good father. Or at least he tries to be. We have seen him go above and beyond for Chris, but I also must admit this was mostly in the earlier seasons. And something I also said when the whole Shannon/Kim debacle happened: there is no doubt that Eddie loves Chris more than anything in the world. But he has some serious issues he refuses to work on as well and it came to the point where this was seriously affecting his son. And speaking from experience, no amount of love from your parent can save you from the damage their emotional or mental instability can cause.

With regard to Tim not being able to write Eddie. Well… I currently feel like Tim doesn’t know how to write any of his characters. Because this season it’s not just Buck that’s stuck on the hamster wheel. It’s like everyone is allergic to character development. Which - again - makes me want to watch the show even less.

Anyway, sorry for this rant and know that my inbox is always open and a safe space to share you’re takes with me (with the exception of hate-spreading trolls from a certain fandom which shall not be named)

[lunar-system]

severance s1e7 liveblog

intentionally such a bad feng shui at the office cubicle where they work: everyone's backs are exposed to space and people regularly walk behind them and surprise them

will those perks and carrots be enough to sate dylan now that he knows about his outie's son? he had created whole world theories from way less

milchick is an expert of the kind eyes. I hate his kind eyes.

music dance experience........ the infantalisation of it all. and the kind eyes gently encouraging the right behaviour. 

will dylan snap now that it's helly earning perks and not him. and she earned it DISHONESTLY, not even having reached proper 75%!!

damn michick got MOVES

he has the weirdest job, though. the babysitting of adults. kinda like the born sexy yesterday -trope? well, only the born yesterday part. these adults ARE infantilized in so many ways. powerless, ignorant.

loved to see dylan snap and milchick fail to conjure his kind eyes.

so. the answer to the question: how to keep them in line? seems they can't. the methods of control are failing.

oh, irv.

the born sexy yesterday -trope is the reason though why irv and burt -romance is so unbelievably sweet. they've NEVER had that. they are having their first and only experiences of romantic connection. it is HUGE for them. and it shows.

i think helly should start pulling out her eyelashes, eyebrows, and hair. slowly, so that it's not noticable at first. but it would be devastating for the outie. but sadly this is mainstream enough television that the actress has to remain conventionally pretty.

the overly smiley host-lady is the mouthpiece of the board. and seems almost as terrified of the board as everyone else.

it's a goodbye party for burt...... 😭 i was so right to fear for my grandpas

burt's innie being forced to resign... that is a death. the burt who had all those beautiful moments with irv, he will be gone.

irv!!! speaks the truth!!!

irv has respect for the lives of innies. he values them as they are. and what made him snap at milchick is the way innie-burt's life is thrown away. by those who are not one of them. he has often shouted for a manager to help, thinking he is not adequate to make choices for himself, but he sees differently now. innies should decide about their lives for themselves.

"will you remember the times of your live?" the song asks, and the answer is no. 

it ended on a corporate handshake.

"let's burn this place to the ground" THEY'VE RADICALISED THE MOST OBEDIANT FOLLOWER OF THEIR FAITH HALLELUJAH

oh outie-mark, you are drinking and denying your feelings again

DONT* RIP THAT PICTURE WHAT

that's incel logic, thinking there is one handy cheat code to win his date back. just gotta figure which it is. erase gemma? what do you mean that didn't win her back? then let's talk all about her? not that either? whatever, women are crazy anyway, you can't appease them, i tried everything and nothing worked! jeez.

okay HUGE. what?? what?"??? gemma is the robot lady from emotional support??? clary? cladys? casey!!! what the heeeeellllll

this is the hugest news

so. did gemma actually die? was it a cover-up? casey doesn't seem like a regular innie. nor does she seem like other employees. i called her a robot before, the way she absolutely un-critically offered to "perform a hug".

but gemma can't have DIED, if her body is still alive downstairs as casey. is she an experiment? somehow revived? living life only as an innie, not ever seeing anything else but her job?

whatever she is, she seems to be in her own category.

no wonder mark S. made the tree out of that clay when sitting right across casey. something lingers.

[quietbluejay]

The Buried Dagger Take 2 #8

this time: the Emperor meets Mortarion and Garro continues to not die

so they got ambushed but mortarion is pushing through with sheer force of will and determination does he do anything else ever lol

"you are the lantern that showed us the way, and by that light, we'll burn the world clean" only one obstacle is left Necare's stronghold "soon" says mortarion they're all using the sealed armour btw they just recently managed to take back the village where mortarion and typhon first ended up which has emotional meaning to morty

tbh im not a huge fan of "the only positive things about morty are the ones that were pre-programmed in" especially given, you know just about no one else seems to have this oh!! they've found morty's old tower which is in ruins

augh

suddenly, they get attacked by fiery projectiles! cannonballs that are on fire and have living? things that are also on fire inside them i think we're about to see why dreadnought dude ended up in a dreadnought though how would turning into a space marine work if he was already horribly injured and also an adult Mortarion orders them to advance while they can Typhon says they have to fall back

yeah things aren't going well he's breathed in some unfiltered toxin

he hates them for their weakness

they go back to the site of the previous battle there's a scout waiting there and she's got news from Morarg man like every single one of morty's buddies ended up a space marine

scout: you need to see it for yourself

we're back to typhon pov the craft is like nothing he's ever seen before

they've got a cordon up around the mystery craft typhon is worried what happens if it starts firing into the crowd that's formed behind the cordon

inside the town, everyone is buzzing with word about the Newcomer

rask and typhon talk a bit yeah it's sure some timing lmao and now time to meet the Newcomer i mean we all know who it is typhon has an experience

yet despite the newcomer looking like the opposite of anyone from barbarus ever, typhon vibes that there's a similarity between him and mortarion

the emperor (yeah im gonna stop being coy): we've come to bring you into the fold, glory and prosperity await, the dawning of a new age, etc etc the emperor's super charisma is affecting everyone except mortarion and i had an extremely cursed though which is that it reminds me of everyone's reaction to alarielle when everyone gets affected by the love me aura except Tyrion

anyways

mortarion: yeah, not interested in where i came from, i'm a child of barbarus, that's what matters. and we can do this ourselves. go away the emperor: no offence but [press x to doubt]

Arzach: « This never get any easier ». So he has experience of Primarchs telling him to fuck off and still he doesn’t change his approach method. bluejay: well to be fair i mean it's not like he's a powerful psyker who can read people's minds oh wait

the emperor: you still haven't killed that one overlord

typhon follows after him and calls him crazy for letting himself getting goaded into doing this

Arzach: Ah this part. I must say, good manipulation.

i'm pretty sure the authorial intent here is that the emperor meant the best uwu and just didn't know the whole circumstances uwu which just makes emps look super dumb and incompetent tbh but maybe i'm being mean to swallow

Arzach: You mean that Swallow didn’t intented to make the Emperor a psychological manipulator ? bluejay: the impression i get overall from swallow's writing is that he goes for benevolent emperor and that in this scene the emperor is being honest which, lmao i think he's trying to have the emperor be like "ah this'll be like russ or vulkan" except you know in order to do that you need to make the emperor very dumb but yeah based on this and some later stuff i think he's going for "the emperor genuinely cares about morty he just said all the wrong things" maybe im doing swallow a disservice though Arzach: I always thought the portrayal here was willingly manipulative but I can see that too. bluejay: i want to be able to have that reading because it's great it'd be some really great manipulation in addition to bloodlessly adding the planet to the imperium, it also makes their leader and liberator looks like a childish selfish idiot thus neatly taking away a lot of the base for any potential resistance after all if he really cared about them wouldn't he swallow his pride? Arzach: Yup. It’s also the take Swallow proposed (in Morty inner pov) in Lantern Light which take place a year after this book. bluejay: maybe I owe Swallow an apology

chapter ends on this and then it's back to captain oatmeal Garro is fighting lord of the flies, Loken is fighting the world eater dude who died and is how horrifyingly reanimated Loken tries to do an "are you in there" type thing because he feels strong empathy because of his own episode of going crazy it doesn't work, needless to say but ;-; garro: why do you torment me lord of the flies: it's fun

lmao okay

Arzach: « The struggle matters if we are mortals. » Garro, you are an Astartes. bluejay: right??? garro: yes i've been granted superhuman endurance already but it doesn't matter in this case because uhhhhhhh reasons

the lord of the flies almost kills garro but sadly loken comes over to help they manage to make mincemeat of him but he just starts reforming malcador: well we can't have that

meanwhile malcador vaporizes the lord of the flies which banishes it back to the warp garro: so what happened malcador: none of your business anyways it's taken care of and back to rubio there were apparently a bunch of other uprisings at the same time so for once all the knights errant are gathered malcador's gonna give a speech (they went back to the palace)

garro: calm??? garro: cities are literally on fire he gets a cryptic answer from one of the future grey knights and walks off garro needs to go "refresh himself with the clarity of his faith" and he's going to the dungeons to do it (yeah we all know who he's going to visit there) so that's what they're calling it these days, huh, waggles eyebrows next time: the reveal of one of the more horrifying things I've read in a 40k novel

[aeligsido]

[WM — September 2024] Prompt 1 — Hogwarts Express.

Rating: T.

TW: mentions of the war and the pov character definitely has trauma (maybe PTSD?).

Characters: Altair Lupin-Black (OC), Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Daisy Potter; mention of a lot of other characters.

Additional Tags: Voldemort attacks the Potters later au; Outsider POV; not-really-implied-but-also-how-else-did-they-get-those-kids past mpreg; Kallisto, Maeve, Daisy, & Altair are my OCs; POA; emotional angst; those children have so many trauma; those adults also have so many trauma.

Summary: Altair just wants his parents back together.

Words Count: 876.

A/N: Hey! I hope it still qualifies (Altair does think a lot about his parents together) jdjdjd. I started thinking about this au not too long ago — where Harry is seven (and a half!) when Voldemort finds & attacks the Potters, and what would it change (more kids everywhere apparently) and what wouldn’t change (rip Sirius, but at least this time he escaped earlier). I’m so willing to babble about it you have no idea. Anyway, I hope you guys like it! 💕

@wolfstarmicrofic

Read on ao3.

-

He should be happy and excited and hopeful; yet all Altair can feel is the trepidation and anxiety twisting his stomach into knots.

He knew since he was five and lost most of his family that starting Hogwarts was going to be difficult; he hadn’t imagined any of this, still.

For starters, at five he still firmly believed that the Aurors would soon realize their mistake and let his Papa go. He’s not sure when this particular hope withered away, yet it did, and with it all the trust and respect his child self still had for the government — which admittedly hadn’t been that much anyway, considering that his dad is a werewolf and the British Wizarding World hates everything that isn’t wizard and pureblooded.

Then, it’s the fact that said Papa escaped Azkaban this summer — of course not to kill Harry as people seem so intent on believing, but even Dad isn’t sure what prompted it. Tentatively, he told them when they first reunited earlier that day that perhaps he just hadn’t managed to escape before; Altair could imagine it’s true, too.

His dad is sleeping, now, the upcoming moon sapping all of his energy. Maeve is curled up against him, as fast asleep as he is, for the exact same reasons. From time to time, a small snort escapes her throat, and Kallisto lets out a small giggle. She’s tucked against Dad and Neville, listening to the older teenagers' conversation, and seemingly more excited than everyone else combined. It’s not the same for her, Altair knows — she was barely one when everything happened. She doesn’t have the memories of everything that happened after.

Reflexively, he squeezes Daisy’s hand. She squeezes right back, and he lets out a soft, relieved breath. Being separated from her all those years has been terrible, like his very soul being ripped in half and told to wander on its own. He’s not able to let go of her now that she’s here, not yet, and she doesn’t look much ready to let go of him either. Susan is on the other side of her, and then Harry and Harry’s friend Hermione. Beside Neville is Ron — one of Uncle Fabian’s nephews, he remembers. They’ve never met, but Uncle Fabian used to talk about them all the time — and then Susan’s friend Hannah. It’s a lot of people, probably too much for their compartment, but Dad casts a few spells when they all came in and it looks like it's holding on.

Sometimes, Altair still has nightmares about the night Uncle James and Aunt Lily died, and about Papa leaving in the middle of the night and never coming back. He was too young to realize then, but now he can tell how much it must have weighed on his dad; how much it still weighs on him. They haven’t talked about Papa being out and about outside of Dad telling them that Dumbledore is wrong and Papa is not going to hurt them — Altair knows that, of course, but the girls either don’t remember him or never knew him, so they needed the reassurance — but that he’s taking the DADA position anyway.

Altair wonders what his dad is feeling, now. Is he angry? Or scared? Or excited? Does he even still love Papa the way he used to?

Altair wants to see his fathers together again. He cherishes the memories of simpler times, when the war was still raging on and Voldemort was still alive, but they were a happy family. He remembers his fathers dancing and singing in the kitchen after tucking him in bed, when he would get up to ask for another story and end up in their arms and laughing at the purposefully wrong notes his Papa would hit. He remembers their smiles, full and bright and tired and wary, but always loving, always comforting, and the soft I love yous they would exchange and murmur into his hair. He remembers the last year the most, when they would sneak away to the Potters’ cottage and grieve their family members falling one after the other and yet still be the most safe he ever felt.

He wants it back. He wants it back so badly; the love and the bad singing and the kisses into his hair and on his forehead and the adoration in his Papa’s eyes when he was looking at Dad and him and Kallisto, and the warmth and safety teared away from them by Voldemort killing Uncle James and Aunt Lily and the government letting Papa rots in jail under false accusations.

More even, Altair wants his dad to be happy again, happy like when Altair was a kid, happy like when Papa was still with them. And now — now that Papa is out, maybe it’ll happen. Maybe they’ll be together again, and they'll be a family again, and Harry and Daisy will come live with them, and Papa will love Maeve just like he loves him and Kallisto, and Dad will be happy. Complete again. A team, chasing away Death Eaters and monsters under the bed alike.

Altair wants it, and he wants to believe in this future more than anything.

And every second closer to Hogwarts chants maybe, maybe, maybe…

[unfragility]

my family is not made of humans.

i was born in a severely abusive enviroment, where all i knew was fear and violence. everyday i would wake up terrified that it'd be another day that i'd feel physical and emotional pain, caused by the ones who should be loving and protecting me the most. they seemed to enjoy to take all of their frustrations out on me and my sister, and beat us up until we could no longer move. they'd humiliate us, threaten us and destroy our sense of security so we could no longer ask for help. not that i'd make a difference - everytime we did ask for help, adults around us would ignore or stay silent.

i don't have a family. my mother is a narcisistic, violent and delusional woman who only sees me a source of money and nothing else. my father is completely absent, as he always was (except when he was beating us up), and thinks sending me a "good morning" text everyday can make it up for what he did. my sister... i think she loves me. sometimes she hates me too. i suppose i'm her walking reminder that she was an abuse survivor, and that's all she wants to avoid so she can start over. i get it.

my friends are lovely. they're almost like family to me, except they don't understand how it's like to have no one else. it seems unfair; to look at them like they're my last hope, and to know that they don't understand the feeling, because they have loving mothes, sisters and relatives alike. they have support - i do not. i think that's what hurts me the most, at the end of the day. they don't know how it's like to be alone. and if they don't, they will never understand this giant hole inside my chest.

my partner is a two-sided coin. seeing from one perspective, he loves me, cares about me, protects me and tries his best. but from the other, he's negligent. he doesn't understand that his past makes me insecure, afraid, sad and miserable. if he could just start affirming me everyday how much all of this does not matter and that i'm his one and only, that i'm the one that truly matters, i'd be happy. but he doesn't; he barely gives me affection when i'm depressed. he just lets me be. i suppose if i had killed myself this morning when i took my keys and left without a single positive thought in my head, he would take some good few hours to even notice. he'd be asleep. that's why it's so hard for me to trust him; i have to tell him every single think i need, all the time. i'm tired.

so looking at the bigger picture and making it simple, i'm all alone in this world. i've got no one. no human being can understand this pain of being completely left behind by everyone around me. no one understands the excruciating horror of existing without human warmth and support. no one can feel what i feel, and they never will. and that's the reason sometimes - actually, all the time - i think about ending it all. just putting an end to it, forever. this thought actually brings me peace. i wish i could have peace. and when i finally rest, i'm sure i'll have it.

but then, there's them. my only light in this world. my reason to exist. my will to keep going. my animals. god, i love them. i really do.

how can i possibly begin to explain how much i love these small, unique, kind and pure beings? they're everything i have in this life. it's funny how they're not the ones who chose to be adopted by us, and yet they're happy to be around and feel extremely grateful to be by your side. these little fellas can change your whole day with a single "meow", and make it all worth it.

all of them mean so much to me. their lives, their health, their happiness, their little hearts. when i have them around me, i feel like i have a purpose: giving love and taking care of them. it makes that chronical hole a little smaller, and it warms my chest up from the inside. i don't know, it's like they have this spark of life in them that lits me up whenever i want to end this existence for once and all.

they did not chose to live with me, but they chose to love me, and they still choose it everyday. they choose to be happy around me. to make me smile. to take care of me when i cry, and to sleep by my side when i'm hopeless. they also choose to be tricky assholes sometimes, but isn't it part of the fun of having these little fellas? i love them even when they're bothering me.

when my mom beat me up, i cried to my dogs. when i felt desperate and alone, i cried to cindy. when i tried to kill myself, napo was there, staring at me like he didn't want to see my crying and cutting my legs while taking random meds. when my ex made me so insanely desperate to end my life that i couldn't move out of the bed, cheetah and ciel were there. ciel was with me everyday after my traumatic breakup, until he could no longer be. when the pain of still living with my abuser - my own mother - hit me like a truck, kiri licked my tears off my face. when i wanted to have fun in the middle of this chaotic and painful life, blue made me smile being silly. and now, when i want to get this goddamn rope i bought for them and hang myself in the balcony, adônis quietly sits on my legs and sleeps like an angel. cheetah watches me carefully too.

whoever you are, if you're reading this, can you understand me? they're the only family i have. they're all i got. i have no one, i never had. everyone left. no one understands. no one can even imagine how it feels to have the unique experience of being completely alone and helpless in a huge, cruel world. and they never will, and this world will never forgive me for being like this. for being born wrong, broken beyond repair. no one will stand by me.

but they will.

[kopivie]

oh and for the record, i don't hate god. i just don't understand why christianity and catholicism seem to use fear and punishment as its way of keeping people in line.

growing up, what made me happiest was engaging in honors with my friends. (for context, pathfinders to adventists is what boy/girl scouts are to literally everyone else, but with added evangelism, camping, outreach, etc.) i loved attending youth congress every january, where i could be in a fancy hotel and learn how to become a leader in my adventist community. i love -- and still love -- teaching drilling and marching and drumming in a drum corps. hell, my favorite method of evangelism was standing in a subway station with my club and singing and praying for people who just needed some comfort for the day.

what bothered me to my core was the constant need for the adults to whip us into shape using religious threats. what would god say? don't use his name in vain (which, for the record, is completely different from what i was told growing up). god hates transgender people. we will never hold gay marriages. even if you are gay and a dedicated adventist, we can fix that. bad things happen to you because god said it was supposed to happen to you.

ooh, and my all-time favorite: if you're depressed, just give it all to god and he'll fix it.

but i thought this was part of his plan? oh, was me being suicidal a step too far?

i fully understand that human beings need to cling on to something higher than themselves. that's why we have astrology and several different religions (nontheistic religions included). the feeling that the universe has something planned for you, or that some higher power will comfort you when no one else will is... a nice thought. even though i avoid church like the plague, i still find myself relinquishing my troubles to god in a pinch. (hell, i'm listening to gospel right now to ease my anxiety so i can focus on studying.)

the thing that steers me away from religion, however, is the lack of agency that i apparently have. god's time isn't working for me. the rest of the world isn't like me, might not know god the way i know him. the world doesn't function on god's clock -- the world functions on a 24-hour or 12-hour clock, okay? i have deadlines, payments to make, things at risk. i can't wait around for god to help me. and oh no, god forbid i get mad with god in my impatience – there are several stories in which people are harshly punished for that. it's almost like being a human being with natural emotions is punishable by death in lots of scenarios.

or in my case, punishable by social exile. bc in the end, the issue will always be with the churchgoers and not the deity itself. (in my story it's the other way around, but we move.) the people who watched me grow up, even close family friends, all treated me like a pariah because i did things like cut and dye my hair and get piercings. i was a babysitter and role model for many kids -- suddenly, their parents are telling them to stay away from me and giving me dirty looks. god's not doing that – the people are.

but that's how you end up with people like me; people who don't know where to direct their frustrations and anger and resentment. do i blame the people? do i blame god? do i blame myself? and if i withdraw my faith in god, can i stop feeling this terrible? where does his plan end and mine begin?

idk, man. religion is weird. you can see why i want to explore this idea of humans relying on themselves instead of a higher power that quite frankly, can't be trusted.