#i hate it honestly because respect should be given no matter someone's degree

[tjerra14]

got fed up and pulled the 'I'm a vet"-card on an impolite and obnoxious guy calling me "nurse" in a belittling way every other word today and the immediate change in attitude was frankly disheartening

why am I suddenly more deserving of respect than my coworkers just because I have a different job title

[deadmandairyland]

Hi! I’m here to bring you yet another Danganronpa tier list: the sexuality tier list, which you can find here.

Now I’m going to be honest here: I don’t really have any LGBT headcanons. It’s just not really something I focus on much when it comes to fandoms. Instead I usually just focus on ships, and as a result from that I tend to present a lot of characters as LGBT in fanfictions and posts I’ve made or reblogged. In other words, a massive chunk of my “headcanons” here are a direct result of shipping (as well as information I’ve picked up from the games themselves). That being said, it was interesting to actually think about this for once, so I’m kinda glad I did the tier list. And it gave me an excuse to bring back the rainbow color scheme I usually put in my tier lists for aesthetic reasons.

The original tier list had Straight at the top, but I moved it to the bottom for two reasons. One, this is Tumblr and that’s not what you’re here for. Two, I gave it a neutral color, and having a gray section next to a white section (i.e. the title of the list) like that looked bad to me. I definitely prefer this setup just on aesthetic alone.

Because this is largely based on ships, I feel it needs to be said that representation does not factor into this chart in any way. I know it probably looks bad that the only character in the Lesbian category is one of my least favorite (though NOT hated or even disliked, I should point out) characters in the main series. That has nothing to do with the fact that she’s a lesbian. She’s just a jerk, and usually not in a way that’s at least entertaining enough for me to like her.

Also keep in mind that this is just the main cast of the main series games. If you were to include characters from the DR3 anime, UDG, or the spin-offs, the Gay, Lesbian, and Ace categories would get more rep, certainly. Think Juzo, Yui, Takemichi, that gay guy with the trumpet, etc.

With that said, let’s go through the list:

Gay

Not gonna lie, one of the reasons why Rantaro is here (and not in Ace) is because of ships. Though I do sometimes ship him with girls, canon suggests he’s not interested in dating girls, and most fans seem to headcanon him as either gay or ace because of this, so I respected that. That being said, I also acknowledge he’s a very popular character in mlm ships, and at the time I was putting this together I hadn’t gotten to Taka yet so the Gay tier was still empty, and Byakuya was already sitting in Ace, so all of that swayed me to putting Rantaro here instead of Ace.

Taka was much easier to place here. He strikes me as a closeted gay man who probably doesn’t even realize he is gay. “Hey, let’s all hang out in the bath, guys! Getting naked is essential to form bonds with your fellow man! No need to be ashamed, it’s tradition!"

Lesbian

Again, ships. I only ship Hiyoko with one other character, and as soon as I say that you already know who she is.

Bisexual (Male Preference)

Akane is mostly here to account for any wlw ships I may have of her (e.g. Hina, Sonia maybe). Obviously she has a thing with Nekomaru, so Male Preference.

Chiaki is here for the same reason as Akane. I’ve shipped her with characters like Sonia and Ibuki before, but she really digs Hajime.

Chihiro honestly could have been anywhere in the Bi and Pan sections, but I ultimately went with Male Preference because of ships, specifically the fact that outside of the more... R18 circles of the Interwebs Chihiro tends to be shipped with guys more often than girls. Also doesn’t hurt that my OTP is Naehiro. I mean, have you seen how often Chihiro blushes around Makoto? (There’s more to it than that, as I’ve covered in the past. I’m just trying to add more fuel to the fire.)

Himiko is probably one of the few characters that isn’t here mainly because of ships. I do think she has some attachment towards Tenko, but I also get “I’m uncomfortable around her” vibes from her, and there are moments where she seems to crush on Kokichi (of all people) so that’s why she’s here. Still very much bi, though.

Hina has a crush on Makoto and has a complex around wishing she was more feminine so she can attract boys. So why isn’t she in the Straight section? ...Because Sakura, duh. And Kyoko too. And any other wlw ship you can think of that might work with Hina.

Honestly if it wasn’t for Miu I probably would have considered putting Kokichi in Gay. Again, while shipping plays a big part of my choices here, much like with Rantaro I have no qualms with putting a character in a tier that contradicts any ships I might have with that character, if those ships aren’t something I’m super invested in. This is a very important distinction, because it’s why I let ships sway my hand for so many of these even if I am also okay with going “Just because I ship this doesn’t mean I headcanon it” as I did with Rantaro. And honestly Kokichi’s ship teasing with Himiko does come off as more trollish than a sign that he’s into her, but he really gets into his back-and-forth with Miu, in my personal opinion, and he gets into it far more often with her for that matter. It’s why it’s one of my favorite ships for both of them tbh, and it’s because I like the ship so much that I just can’t ignore it for this sexuality headcanon tier list.

Maki... is here because of ships (e.g. Kaede).

Sakura... is here because of ships (e.g. Hina). ...What, you were expecting me to put a guy in the example? Remember, she has a boyfriend in canon.

Sayaka... is here because of... NOT ships, but DRAT. Yes, really. (”We really got down and dirty, Naegi-kun.”)

Sonia... strikes me as someone who swings both ways. I can’t describe exactly why I feel that way, but yes.

Bisexual (No Preference)

Celeste wants a harem of vampire boys but shipping her with Kyoko is also very popular and honestly i feel like it would fit her character. She’s got a look that says “I could get any ass I want and I know it.”

Ibuki is decked out in blues and pinks, and also I ship her fairly evenly among both boys and girls. She just screams bi icon to me, more so than any other character in the series.

Junko is either bi with no preferences or pan. She is an equal opportunity heart-and-soul-breaker and lust-for-despair machine.

There is no Mukuro in this list, but honestly I would probably put her where I put Junko anyway.

Kaede... is here because of ships (e.g. Miu, Maki)

Honestly I had no idea where to put Kirumi, so I just randomly chose one that I wouldn’t regret later if I ever put more thought into who I shipped her with.

I’m pretty sure Nagito being bisexual has some degree of canon attached to it??? I think??? I’m not entirely sure tbh, but fuck it. I’m doing this for fun anyway, so this doesn’t really matter.

Shuichi, like all Danganronpa protags, is bi as fuck. I also find him to be more shippable with guys than the other two protags, so IMO he has no preference.

Toko might have a thing or two for pretty boys, but... Komaru, I mean, this isn’t exactly shocking, I don’t think. Probably was closeted before she met Komaru. I mean she did focus on Hina’s boobs a lot in DR1, let’s not forget.

Tsumugi, much like Kirumi, is here because I haven’t put much thought into her ships.

Bisexual (Female Preference)

Gundham has a thing with Sonia in canon, but I can see him being bi. So... yeah, ships again.

Hajime, like all Danganronpa protags, is bi as fuck. It’s just that his Chiaki and Mikan game is just too strong.

Hifumi might claim to only like 2D, but his interest in Chihiro both in human form and computer program form (and the fact that this didn’t go away after the gender reveal) places him here.

Kaito strikes me as a closeted bisexual. The kind that could start any given conversation with “I’m not gay, but...”

Kazuichi also strikes me as a closeted bisexual, only his “I’m not gay, but...” is rooted more in dumbass than it is in systematic homophobia.

Korekiyo... is here because of ships (e.g. Rantaro).

Kyoko is bi as fuck, and I can see her having a preference towards girls in particular. She gets shipped with girls a lot (e.g. Celeste, Hina, Yui, and even Junko and Mukuro), and when she is shipped with boys it’s usually just pretty boys (e.g. Makoto, Byakuya, Ryota, Shuichi, and, depending on your interpretation, Chihiro). Also note that aside from Makoto and maybe Byakuya, Kyoko’s girl ships are far more popular than her boy ships. Just something I’ve noticed over the years.

Leon... is here because of ships (e.g. Chihiro).

Mahiru is here because I’m pretty sure she has a thing for Hajime in her FTEs, but obviously she tends to get shipped with girls more often (especially Hiyoko), and I agree.

Makoto, like all Danganronpa protags, is bi as fuck. It’s just that his Kyoko, Hina, Sayaka, and Mukuro game is just too strong.

Mikan may be interested in Hajime somewhat, but her obsession with Junko cannot be ignored, no matter how much some of you may want to.

Mondo is another character that strikes me as a closeted bisexual. He is said to strike out all the time with girls, so I do think he’s attracted to women. And I do get some vibes that he’s attracted to Chihiro pre-reveal. And if circumstances had been different, I imagine he probably still would have been post-reveal. But obviously it’s his bond with Taka that I feel cements his sexuality in, at the very least, an mlm category.

Tenko... is here NOT because of ships, but because I’m pretty sure she’s at least sort of interested in Shuichi because of some canon thing... and also I don’t want to put her in Lesbian just because it feels like I’d be stereotyping the Lesbian category if I do that. If we were to compare her to the character that I did put in Lesbian, Hiyoko doesn’t treat people like shit because they’re men, she’s an equal-opportunity asshole. Still not the best representation for lesbians by a long shot, but at least Hiyoko doesn’t follow the stereotype of a man-hating lesbian. She’s just like that, and that’s okay. But putting Tenko there, especially if she’s shown some degree of interest in a male character at some point in the game, just rubs me the wrong way personally, because it would feel like I’m ignoring canon just to stereotype her. But that’s just a personal hang up of mine. No disrespect intended toward anyone who genuinely feels that Tenko is a lesbian. Maybe you see something there that I don’t, and that’s perfectly fine.

Pansexual

I don’t remember exactly how her FTEs went, so I’m not going to get into that, but Angie just comes off as pan to me, like gender doesn’t fit into the equation at all for her.

Gonta I can see as either pan or ace. I feel like he wouldn’t care about gender, and honestly the only reason I decided to put him in Pan rather than Ace is because of that scene with Miu.

Imposter is not only pan, they are currently OT3ing it up with Ibuki and Ryota as we speak, and that’s a fact.

Keebo... is mostly here because of ships. A lot of ships, actually. Mostly male ships (Kokichi, Shuichi, Kazuichi, and, depending on your interpretation, Chihiro) but there’s also Miu to consider. And the Miu game is SO strong that I put him in Pan instead of, say, Male Preference.

Just gonna lump them together because I have the same thing to say about both of them: Miu and Teruteru would **** anything that walks. What did I censor? Well, I’m doing the Nier: Automata thing, so you can put whatever you want in there and trust me, it would probably fit, for better or for worse.

Ace

I know this is an unpopular opinion, because Naegami, but I just don’t think Byakuya is interested in anyone, at least not in that way. He might be fascinated with how common people live, because it’s so foreign to him, but that’s about it.

Straight

Even though I do ship Fuyuhiko with some of the boys, his Peko game is so strong that honestly I can’t see him actually dating anyone aside from Peko outside of some very niche fanfiction.

Honestly, Hiro was another one that I was just like “I have no idea what to do with you.” I think maybe his team up with Kanon made me eventually choose to put him in Straight? I don’t remember. I clearly didn’t put much thought into Hiro.

I really only ship Nekomaru with Akane, so that’s why he’s here. I’m sure if I dive deep enough into my psyche I can pull an mlm ship with Nekomaru in it out of my ass, but like Rantaro that wouldn’t be significant enough to change anything.

Peko is in the same boat as Fuyuhiko. I have shipped her with girls before, but her Fuyuhiko game is just too strong.

Ryoma had a girlfriend once, and as far as I can remember he didn’t really seem interested in anybody in the game, so that’s all I have to go off of for him.

-----

So there you have it. Explanations for literally all of them! Explanations that were definitely not pulled out of my ass as I was typing them, nope, certainly not. Definitely won’t be tagging all of them, but I may tag the ones with the longest entries. And like all the tier lists I’ve done, this was just for fun and honestly any opinion I have for any of these characters could change at a moment’s notice because my brain is fickle like that. Tried my best to make sure that every tier had at least one character in it, but I did so without trying to force characters in places that I personally did not believe they should go. I hope you all enjoyed my dive into this area of fandom that I rarely dive into (the LGBT headcanons, not the ships, obviously). It was a lot of fun, and hopefully it will stay fun and not result in angry anons blasting me for my opinions. I am grateful that this never seems to happen to me, but I’ve seen it happen to others and I know what Tumblr is capable of at its worst. These are just headcanons and a matter of personal opinion, and if you disagree with them, that’s perfectly okay. Your feelings and opinions are also valid.

[thenovelartist]

Burned Beginnings, chapter 1

Novel decided to do Adrienette April on a whim. Each post until the end of April (or such is the plan) will have 3 prompts in it.

She also discovered she’s very rusty. Bear with me here. XD

Next>>

1. AU

Marinette had thought she’d grown used to Chloe’s bullying, having to had endure it since they were little. However, with high school came a new name that became a regular part of Chloe’s vocabulary, alongside “hot” and “sexy” and “dreamboat”.

“And Marinette would never catch the eye of someone so perfect.”

Honestly, Marinette had thought she was over it, but on a particularly bad day, she’d snapped back at Chloe.

“Well, clearly he isn’t that perfect if he fawns over someone whose only redeeming quality is pretending to be pretty.”

That had led to a fire alarm getting pulled and Marinette left to blame for it. Anyone who tried to come to her defense was shut down, and Marinette had been suspended.

Which had started an all-out war.

After being stuck at home, wrongfully, for three solid days, Marinette had snapped. She’d decided that if Chloe was going to build a bonfire and poor on the gasoline that she would be there with a match. By senior year, Marinette’s record had taken a hit for it but Chloe’s reputation was in the toilet.

Marinette would take what she could get.

However, she supposed she hadn’t fully thought out the consequences. As much as she played with fire, she should have realized she’d get burned sooner or later.

And she did. Third degree.

We regret to inform you your application has been denied.

Those were words she grew tired of seeing yet came back from every school she applied to. With that in mind, she’d called up her girl friends to tell them what had happened.

“Hey, Marinette,” Alya had said upon seeing the letters. “Don’t get me wrong, I feel really bad for you. But… I did warn you—”

“I get it,” Marinette had surrendered, knowing that Alya was completely right. “You tried to warm me of the consequences, and now I’m paying for them.”

The girls had slipped into a moment of silence before Alix spoke up. “Hey, I can ask Max if he can do a little digging so you at least know why, yeah?”

Marinette had raised a brow but agreed. “Only if he’s not busy with his own college stuff.”

“Oh please, he’s too smart for college. He started up some robotics company in his free time and is already making bank on it.”

It took a week for Max to come back with a full report. Marinette had to give him props for working fast as he did.

“Hacking into the system was the first thing I could think of,” he’d explained. “In the side notes, there was mention of your attendance record and suspensions.”

“They were all wrongful suspensions,” Alix had countered.

“Doesn’t matter to the school,” Max had said with a shrug. “But even then, I thought there had to be more to this than just attendance. There were other students who had the same notes yet were accepted. So I shifted focus to digging up background on all the directors of the school. After hacking a few emails, I discovered Audrey Bourgeois happens to know a lot of directors or administration members in all the fashion schools of France. Considering the contents of most of those emails, it has become clear that Marinette was wrongfully barred from every school she’d applied to. And that there’s nothing that can be done about it because we only discovered such scandal through highly illegal means.”

“So…” Alya had begun, turning her attention to Marinette. “Where does that leave you, M?”

Marinette’s lips had pursed in thought. It was funny how things turned out, because despite her anger, she somehow had been peace with what she was faced with. “I think that the last place I want to be is in an industry full of liars and people who use their words to manipulate anyone they damn well please.”

That was how she ended up working full-time in her parents’ bakery. They never said a word about it, but she knew they were disappointed. Of course they weren’t mad about her still being here and working in the bakery with them, and she knew her parents still loved her more than anything.

But she knew that with as many dreams as she had and had shared with them, they were disappointed on her surrendering it all.

“Sorry, Maman, Papa,” she whispered into the empty kitchen as she plopped the baguettes she formed onto a baking tray. “Just give me a little time to figure things out. Seems like lofty dreams are a lot easier to crush than I realized.”

 2. Rebellion

A son can only bear the world of their parent’s expectations for so long. He wasn’t Atlas, but after a few years of acting like him, Adrien decided to dump the globe. To hell if it broke. He’d smirk in satisfaction at his father’s disappointment.

At the very least, the fact he no longer had the weight of the world of his shoulders made the far-too-common disappointment lecture easier to bear.

His strategic rebellion had started harmless enough. At sixteen with a rapidly growing forced modeling career, he’d given his father an ultimatum: he gets to grow out his hair, or it all goes. It had been shocking the amount of power the razor in his hand had given him. It was the perfect harmless threat. His father had been furious, throwing a fit about Adrien acting like a child, but after being gaslit for so long, Adrien had finally come to realize the abusive techniques for what they were. And he wasn’t going to roll over and take it any longer.

That day had ended with Adrien being grounded but ultimately the victor of their stand-off.

After that, he’d begun ditching certain events. He’d always liked fencing, so he never ditched those lessons, but attendance for his home-school lessons, mandarin lessons, and piano lessons had all been decided on a whim. His father had hardly been pleased by this, but to Adrien, that was the point. The lectures soon washed into one another so much that Adrien could practically recite the words that roll off his father’s tongue verbatim. He’d come to realize they were strategically meant to hurt. To humiliate. And as such, he’d stopped taking them personally.

Then came the fun part.

He got earrings. Honestly, Adrien hadn’t really cared for the piercings one way or another. In one way, there were a hassle, and caring for new piercings was a pain in the butt. However, they had been worth it to see his dad so royally pissed off.

Then came the ditching of certain photoshoots. There was a reason Adrien had held off on this one for so long: he cared about the people running the shoot. There was no reason they needed to be collateral in this battle between him and his father. After all, they were just employees doing their job; Adrien didn’t want them to suffer for his rebellion. With that in mind, Adrien had planned out his absences of these photoshoots. Again, he didn’t want to drag anyone else into his mess, so he had always organized a replacement model. Shoot would always go on, just not as planned.

And that was enough to drive his father mad.

It always put a smile on Adrien’s face.

The last touch was an unexpected one. He hadn’t even thought about going this far. Yet, a friend of his not only put the idea in his head, but gave him the art to go with it.

“Is that a tattoo?”

Oh, how he wished he would have taken a picture of his father’s face. The large black cat surrounded in a green, wispy smoke that wrapped around his forearm was truly a work of art. He’d had to think carefully about this decision, but in the end, he quite liked it.

“Yeah. I’m eighteen; I can ink myself if I want to. Why? Is that a problem?”

Adrien might be wearing a cat on his arm, but the grin on his lips was downright wolfish.

Eventually, it all had come to a head and blew up in his face. Adrien couldn’t say he’d been surprised. In fact, he had been fully expecting it. He’d already found an apartment to rent and had begun sneaking most of his important things over there before his father could kick him out. So when Adrien found himself kicked to the curb as soon as he was handed his general education certificate, Adrien had been prepared.

But mostly, he was free.

What a joyous day it was.

However, now that he was free, he knew he needed a job. Not because he needed the money, per se, but because it was time he started acting like the average adult. He never got to go to school, so now, it was time to pick up a mundane, first job that everyone hated but would “serve him well later in life”. Mostly, it would just be something normal.

The easy places to apply were food shops and retail stores. He’d work one for a while before deciding what his next life step would be. Chloe had been quick to offer him a job at her father’s hotel, but Adrien was vehemently against the idea. Over the span of his rebellion, Chloe’s behavior and attitude towards him had grown notably worse, and he had a feeling cutting ties with her would be his next step in life.

In the end, he’d scored a job he definitely was underqualified for. He’d applied partly out of spite and partly because ‘why not?’ He’d heard about this bakery enough times from Chloe to know the “cruel bitch who did nothing but mercilessly harass her” lived here, and that was enough to pique Adrien’s curiosity. At a bakery as popular as that, though, he hadn’t been sure he’d get a call. And when he did, he knew he would do everything he could to present himself as a reliable and respectable man eager to work, but he never thought he’d end up hitting it off with the owner.

Which somehow ended up with him agreeing to work at Tom and Sabine’s Patisserie.

Going into that job, he swore to himself he would do what he could to prove himself worthy. He knew there had to have been better applicants, so Adrien didn’t want to disappoint the very kind owners who dared give him a chance. Soon, his days were spent working hard while covered in flour and surrounded by bread all day. Well, bread and all the sharp and hot objects in your average kitchen.

He just didn’t think that would include a wicked sharp and smoking hot young lady that happened to be his bosses’ daughter.

 3. Game Night

“Mama, Papa, please go. You two hardly ever get out of the house.”

Marinette watched her maman put a hand over the mouthpiece of her phone while her papa turned to her. “But I’ll be busy that night. We have a massive order scheduled for the next day.”

“I can handle that,” Marinette quickly countered with a grin. “You know I’m a night owl, anyway. I’ll get it done, and you two can go enjoy game night with your friends.”

Her parents spared each other a glance. “Are you sure about that, Marinette?” Maman asked.

“Positive. Papa already talks to the bread too much, so he really should talk to people for a change. And while you have to deal with people all day, I know you want more than to just have short conversations filled with small talk. So please, go out and have a social life for once.”

With one last look, her parents relented. With a smile, her mother took her hand off the phone. “We’ll be there.”

Papa turned to her with a grin. “I was going to spend that time teaching Adrien how to handle those orders. I can leave teaching him in your hands, right?”

Her grin fell. Adrien Agreste. What the hell a washed-out model was doing working at her parents’ bakery was beyond her. Admittedly, over the last month she’d been working with him, the most she’d say is that maybe he wasn’t too bad a guy. Papa certainly sung his praises. But that still didn’t answer the question of why he was working here of all places. After all, he was Chloe’s friend and suspected lover.

“Don’t think I don’t see that look on your face, Marinette,” her maman chastised. She’d hung up and set her phone down already, fully giving her attention to her daughter. “No matter your personal feelings, you really should give him a chance.”

“He’s a good kid,” Papa said. “Maybe a little rough around the edges, but I can tell he really does want to learn and do his best.”

Marinette sighed. This wasn’t the first time this talk had happened. She remembered having a talk with her parents after his first interview. There were a few other people who were far more qualified for the job, but Papa said he liked Adrien’s personality and spirit the best. So in the end, all Marinette’s objections had fallen upon deaf ears.

She sighed. “Fine. I’ll give him a chance.”

With a smile that made Marinette loath to disappoint him, her papa patted her head affectionately. “Thank you, Marinette. I think you’d like him if you got to know him.”

Not likely. “I’ll do my best, Papa.”

“Really, Marinette,” her maman warned. “Unless you have a valid reason, you need to put aside your feelings for the sake of the bakery running smoothly. Can you manage that?”

Appropriately chastised, Marinette bowed her head in embarrassment. Maman brought up a good point: Marinette shouldn’t let her anger towards Adrien affect the bakery. Her parents didn’t deserve that. “Yes, Maman. I’m sorry.”

With a smile, her maman came up and wrapped her in a hug. “Thank you, Marinette.”

Marinette hugged her back. “No, thank you, Maman and Papa, for everything. I won’t let you down.”

Papa wrapped his arms around both her and Maman. “Thank you, sweetheart. We love you.”

“I love you, too.”

[captnjacksparrow]

I honestly agree with a lot of your opinions, and even when I don't, I think that your arguments are always well structure and respectful to other people.

But I have some questions (and I'm sorry if you have already answer them), (also sorry for some of my English, it's not my first language)

How do you feel about narusaku?

How do you feel about people changing certain aspects about Sakura to try to improve her character?

How would you improve Sakura?

How much do you think Sakura being a good character could affect the story?

What was the moment you really started to ship SNS? And what are you favorite moments?

(Sorry if there's ro many questions)

I honestly agree with a lot of your opinions, and even when I don't, I think that your arguments are always well structure and respectful to other people.

Aww!!!! Thank you, Anon. This made my day. 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

I will start from my favourite question (The one in the last)

What was the moment you really started to ship SNS?

I never wore any shipping lens, Anon.

Literally, I started to ship SNS only after Episode 478 or Chapter 698. Before that, I always had these doubts in the back of my mind.

'Something seems to be very weird between these guys',

'Why are they behaving differently compared to other friends?',

'Why Sasuke is behaving totally different towards Naruto?',

'Why Sasuke agreed to honour Naruto's promise under the bridge, despite having no shred of affection towards his other former Team Members?',

'Why Naruto is so obsessed with Sasuke?',

'Why Sasuke felt Naruto's chakra in Konoha and bothered by it?',

'Why Sasuke is protecting Naruto like a precious treasure only to end up wanting to kill him?',

'Why Sasuke has this weird obsession that ONLY I CAN KILL NARUTO but not someone else?',

So, I had all these questions piling up one by one inside my mind as the series progressed and I can't simply jump into a conclusion because I don't know what Sasuke was thinking. I hate one-sided ship and I want reciprocation. So, I usually put all these questions on the back burner and started to focus on the story. Damn!!!, The story was equally captivating and emotionally daunting. When Sasuke finally confessed his feelings towards Naruto in Episode 478, I simply couldn't believe myself but ship them. Because, in no world, Friends would behave this way towards each other.

So, to answer your question, it's after Episode 478, I started to ship them. But if you want me to say when exactly I started to doubt their level of friendship??

It's this moment,

Now you may think, 'Yeah, you saw two boys in a close proximity and decided to ship together. It's nothing strange'.

I have to say, Close proximity was the last thing, I felt from this scene. My reason was those heart breaking scenes that happened before which led to this specific moment.

I will make it as short as possible. I'll start with this

God!! I wanted to punch Sasuke so badly when he said this with a deadpan expression. It looks like he was lying just to get power. I thought, 'Sasuke!!! What a lying piece of crap you are!! If you want to kill Naruto, Just do it. Why doing a fake confession? '.

It doesn't help as the fight progressed because Sasuke was really playing football with Naruto and when this happened,

I was shell-shocked because, the Sasuke we saw so far is no more. It even confirmed my thoughts about the fake confession. Which sane person will ram Chidori through his Close Friend's body?.

After many blows were exchanged, I simply wished for one thing. Naruto should win and Sasuke should be stopped no matter what. When the final Rasengan vs Chidori happened, I couldn't understand what was going on inside that power ball. Naruto and Sasuke look at each other with pained expression and we see the younger version of them smiling at each other.

And then finally we see a knocked out Naruto with Sasuke standing and looking at him without any expression and was about to say, 'Naruto.... I' which was interrupted by rain and when Sasuke felt a stinging pain in his arms and falls down on his knees. He coughs up blood and then this iconic scene happens.

That scene conveyed many things

Sasuke wanted to kill Naruto but couldn't.

Sasuke meant what he said. Naruto is his closest friend, it’s not a lie.

Sasuke couldn't severe his ties completely with Naruto.

Sasuke's pain of saying 'Goodbye' is greater than the stinging pain in his arms.

Sasuke deliberately, I repeat deliberately and not accidentally, came close to look at Naruto's face and experiencing something that, we, audience don't know. 

So, you see, Anon. The emotional train wreck that led to this scene made me really doubt about their depth of feelings they had towards each other for the first time. That's when I thought, 'Something seems to be very weird between these guys, what is it?'

And what are you favorite (SNS) moments?

There are two moments which shows how Sasuke is playing an emotional battle within himself. 

1. Sasuke, Susanoo, Naruto, Minato

This happens right after Sasuke said to Obito, “Not you.... The one who is going to sever the past is....me”.

In this moment, Sasuke can pretty much let Naruto to die, because nobody is trying to kill Naruto. Still, he saved him with a 3 layered protection. The best part is Sasuke acted quicker than Minato, the fastest shinobi, to protect Naruto. Surely Minato wouldn’t want to blow up near his Son, for whom he gave his life once. It’s just that Sasuke is extremely quicker at this moment. 

2. For some reason, My Sharingan deactivated on it’s own

If only, Sasuke maintained his Sharingan, he could’ve traced Naruto’s movements and deflected his upper cut and would’ve successfully landed his Chidori through him. But he just couldn’t. 

Both these scenes happens in a span of a day but Sasuke’s emotions fluctuates a lot when it comes to killing Naruto, protecting Naruto, can’t kill Naruto. 

How much do you think Sakura being a good character could affect the story?

To be Honest Anon, Storywise ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Yes, I agree with her amazing performance in Gaara retrieval Arc where she tagged along with Granny Chiyo and almost killed Sasori.

After that ????

She did nothing in the Sasuke Reunion Arc. It was all about Naruto vs Orochimaru, Yamato’s Wood style jutsu, Sai’s betrayal towards Orochimaru. Geez!!! I liked her attitude in this arc but totally spoiled when she was standing simply like a wooden doll when Sasuke was about to stab Naruto. It was Sai who blocked Sasuke.... I was like, ‘Girl!!!! You said you will save Sasuke for Naruto when he went into 4 tails mode. What happened now??? Why are you not stopping him???’

She was just making Food Pills in the Rasen Shuriken Arc.

She was basically climbing from one tree to another in the Sasuke killing Orochimaru to Sasuke joining Akatsuki Arc. Even Naruto’s role was very minimal in that arc except he met Kabuto, Dead soul of Jiraiya, Itachi, a split second meeting with Sasuke where he got Chidori’ed and fought with Tobi. 

She was just a spectator praying for Naruto in the Pain Arc. Yeah, she did healed few people and punched some monsters. But it just doesn’t matter. Even Konohamaru killed a Pain in that arc. 

She turned into an Asshole by making a fake confession towards Naruto and decided to kill Sasuke in the Kage Summit Arc. I think, this is where Kishi decided to shit on her mercilessly by making her into someone who was going to hurt both of her team mates mentally and physically. Basically Kishi transformed a clever medical Ninja who can find an antidote in a matter of hours to an asshole who believed Naruto did everything for her and even more of an idiot by planning to kill Sasuke with just a poisoned Kunai. Isn’t she the one who told Kakashi that Sasuke was given forbidden drugs to improve his strength after their Reunion??? Can’t she put 2+2 together to know Sasuke would be immune to poisons because of his days spent with Orochimaru??? Yeah, she did impacted the story. But it was not for her development. Sakura’s foolishness made Naruto and Sasuke to meet each other again and made a promise. So, you see, she was just a tool that pushes the narrative development of other characters, not her own. Her development took a big blow in this arc.

She was non-existent in the Naruto-Killer Bee Training Arc.

She was just healing people and punched some zetsu during Powerful Edo-Tensei Shinobis vs Allied Shinobi forces Arc. I expected her to have a special fight. But Nope. Even Ino, Shikamaru and Choji fought Asuma, Kakuzu and Kinkaku, Ginkaku brothers. 

She was non-existent in the Uchiha Madara vs 5 Kages mini arc

She was non-existent in Obito vs Naruto, Kakashi, Might Guy and Killer Bee mini arc.

She was non-existent in the Sasuke & Itachi vs Kabuto mini arc.

She was non-existent in the Edo Tensei’ed Hokages and Team Sasuke arc.

She was punching some Juubi Clones in the Official War Arc which will never make a difference to the story. At the same time, her character was transformed from an Asshole who hurted her teammates to an horny biasshhhh who wants only Sasuke’s D. She summoned Katsuyu and was healing soldiers. But there were an army of Medical Ninjas too. So her absence will not affect the story in a big way. She did Lip to Lip CPR for Naruto though. Again, that would never help Naruto in a major way unless he was helped by Obito by placing Bijuu inside him. Again, Kishi didn’t make her the sole saviour here. Instead, she was used as a medium to facilitate Obito’s transformation from a bad guy to good guy. Kishi made Obito as the Saviour here. 

She was useless and was not able to destroy Obito’s rinnegan in the Reincarnation of Indra and Ashura vs Rikkudou Sennin Madara arc.

She was useless in the Kaguya arc. [Sorry, that punch won’t make any difference because Kaguya must be stupid to not use her 360 degree vision to see Sakura from behind. With Naruto and Sasuke has already become a demi god at this point, her clown show is incomparable].

She was useless in the final Naruto vs Sasuke arc.

So, you tell me Anon. Did she make any impact to the story that served as a major twist?? 

The story revolved around Naruto and Sasuke. 

Itachi, Obito, Jiraiya, Madara, Hashirama and other Hokages were the game changers of this story. Meaning, their presence or death will change the story by a huuuuggge margin.

Tsunade, Orochimaru, Team Nagato, Kabuto helped our protagonists in a BIGGGG WAAYYYY.

Akatsuki were just amazing who gave us the sense of thrill as well as fun. 

Even Sakura being good will never impact the story because she had no dedicated arc written for her.

But, if she were written as a good character, my viewing experience would have improved in a relaxing way so much so that I don’t have to press my fast forward button whenever she appears and I wouldn’t be writing this post explaining why I hate her.

How would you improve Sakura?

Simple, By writing her similar to Rin Nohara.

No obsession but a simple love towards Sasuke.

No toxicity but caring friendship towards Naruto. 

That’s all.

How do you feel about people changing certain aspects about Sakura to try to improve her character?

Well, that means they would qualify as a fanfiction writers, aren’t they??.

Also, this inherently proves that she is a piss poor character and people wants to change certain aspects of her which they find annoying. But it will 100% end up being OOC. And I’m not into reading those OOC stuffs, Anon.

I always believe in accepting what the author has given rather than trying to fix their work. Because the author writes a character deliberately to make the readers feel what he intended in the first place. Kishi could write a redemption for even someone like Orochimaru towards the very end. Like, he literally made him to help Sasuke, not as a human predator, but as a former Master and an admirer. He wrote him to help Tsunade and other Kages. So in the end, Orochimaru was not hated like he was hated in part 1. If he can write something for Orochimaru, why not for Sakura??? 

You know how I can redeem Sakura in just 3 or 4 panels?

Let me tell you.

After that fake confession, Sakura could talk to Naruto,

“I am very Sorry, Naruto. I know you will never take things in your heart. But still I shouldn’t have used Love as a tool to make you not to do something. I was an Idiot to not realize how badly you want to save Sasuke. It wasn’t just for me. But it was for Sasuke and also for you, as his friend and also for us as Team 7. So, how about we go to Ichiraku, for a nice lunch??” 

While confessing Sasuke for the second time,

“It seems you still want to go on to that dark path, isn’t it?. I am not the most powerful ninja in this world and I know I can’t trade blows with you. But still.... if you try to hurt my friend, Naruto and my master, Tsunade. I will fight with all my strength to kill you..... Even though I love you”

I am pretty sure, if Sakura confessed something along these lines, everyone would have admired her and it shows her emotional maturity as a Kunoichi who wants to do something to this world as well as a person who is ready to kill someone she loved in order to protect the people she holds dear.

In chapter 699. Before saying Goodbye to Sasuke,

“I am very Sorry, Sasuke. I never really understood what was going on inside your heart. And, I always forced myself on you because of my selfishness. I really feel bad for those things. I never really became your friend in the first place. How about we say farewell as ‘a good friends’, before your redemption journey??” (Shakes hands.... End of Scene)

How is this???

Is it pleasant to read?? Of course, Yes.

I am pretty sure it wouldn’t take more than 4 or 5 panels. Kishi could’ve easily did something like this. Am pretty sure readers would’ve been satisfied. Her fans too. Even I would’ve forgiven her mistakes.

But Kishi didn’t and I am very sure it’s deliberate. Because, this very same Kishimoto could able to write Konan, Tsunade who acts with so much maturity without whining like a little girl.

Which shows Kishi clearly hates this character and never wanted to redeem her. 

So no matter how many people improve this character, it will never be believable.

How do you feel about narusaku?

Naruto always placed Sasuke as his priority, Anon. That’s always the case. So, apart from SNS, if you want me to say whether NaruSaku had any potential?

I would say, yes, NaruSaku had potential. I will not deny it. Naruto had some liking towards Sakura compared to the absolute indifference towards Hinata.

There are some moments Sakura genuinely cried for Naruto without anyone’s influence. I liked it. Say, the scene where she cried on hearing ‘A Jinchuriki without Bijuu will die” and with Yamato she told, “I can only do little things for Naruto”.

These are all coming from her own heart. No one instilled inside her.

[[[ That’s why I will not accept her realization of ‘Annoying, huh? So, this is how Naruto must have felt too. Maybe I should be a little nicer to him next time’ as genuine in Episode 3. Because she realized only after Sasuke roasted her. I want feelings to emerge subconsciously rather than instilled by someone. ]]]

Unlike the asshole Sakura she was in part 1, Sakura started out good in Shippuden. I was surprised with her development in Gaara Retrieval Arc and was not at all annoyed by her presence. (Except when she said she will save Naruto and Sasuke from Itachi.... Grrrrr.... Biashhhhh.... Do you know Itachi’s abilities first of all??? He can crush you like a meatball with his Susanoo)

I started to feel, ‘Wooow!!! She has improved a lot. Great!!!!’.

Even though, she was useless in Rasen Shuriken Arc, She still made an effort to make food pills for Naruto. She even hugged Naruto much to his surprise, before all the villagers and especially before, ahemmm Hinata after defeating Pain.

Despite all of these moments that had happened between them, I could only see them as a pair formed of mutual tragedies rather than mutual attraction, Anon. In their case, Losing Sasuke. I wasn’t 100% sure whether Sakura moved on from Sasuke or not. Because When Sakura was looking for Sasuke with Kakashi’s Tracking dogs, she was still in love with him. So Sakura fluctuates between her obsession with Sasuke and some genuine feelings towards Naruto. 

Kage summit Arc is where everything changed and finalized. Sakura was crying like an annoying shit when she heard that Sasuke joined Akatsuki and was wanted by Raikage. This clearly shows her obsession has flared up again and ‘Poof’ all the development she had with Naruto was thrown into drain. 

On top of it, the fake confession. Grrrrrr.......

Plus, Naruto officially closed the possibilities of this ship by saying, “Sasuke, I know the Truth of Itachi from a guy named Tobi. I don’t know whether it’s true or not. But whatever you’ve been doing so far (hunting Killer Bee, ruckus in Kage summit conference, trying to kill Sakura, Kakashi).... It’s all understandable”.

If Naruto truly, wholeheartedly, deeply loved Sakura, he wouldn’t have said something like, ‘It’s understandable why you tried to kill Sakura”. He should have beaten Sasuke into a pulp. Or atleast shown some intense anger. Instead, Naruto was talking to Sasuke and making promise by saying ‘We will die together’. It’s like Sakura playing cupid for Sasuke and Naruto.

Naruto was okay with someone trying to kill Sakura whereas he was not okay with someone trying to kill Sasuke and even went to the extent of hyperventilating. This is why I feel any other ships are incomparable with SNS. 

After that Sakura started to behave rabidly towards Sasuke in the War arc which I can’t help but feel disgusting. So, anything she did for Naruto in the War Arc was overshadowed by her crazy obsession towards Sasuke. That’s why her CPR doesn’t matter, Sakura healing Naruto doesn’t matter. [Naruto has his own regenerative abilities, so whatever she does will not matter much for him]

So, NaruSaku was closed officially by Naruto and Sakura. It couldn’t sail because of the presence of Sasuke. 

At the end, I felt like Sakura used Naruto for getting her man back ready for romance rather than a killer mode Sasuke. I couldn’t feel the friendship they once had or any familiarity. 

I just hate people who don’t value friendships, anon. Sakura was not even a good friend, first of all. Yeah she had her friendly moments here and there. But, at the end of the series, she was not. A war has just ended, many people lost their lives, her supposed ‘best friend’ Ino lost her father. Why can’t she help her out emotionally? Why can’t she do some fucking good stuffs for this Shinobi world like her other teammates?? Instead, what she did was ‘let’s go and persuade Sasuke-kun to lend me some D by going along with his journey. Because I am so horny’. 

It not how you were in the beginning, It’s how you ended up being. She started this series as a worst friend and she ended up as a worst human being for me. How can I ship such a person with Naruto????

[jerrylevitch]

Do you think or know whether Jerry ever regretted all of the affairs and sleeping around? Or if he looked back on it differently later on? I know he'd talked about it kind of jokingly, which i'm sure was a default/defense mechanism. I also get all the factors that contributed to that behavior so I don't really judge him for it, and he wasn't the only one doing it by any means...I was just wondering if you had a take on it or knew anything. Still love him, that horny little bugger lol ;)

He did feel guilty and for awhile, and he tried to be faithful to Patti in his own mind by not finishing inside the woman he was with. According to Jane McCormick:

"Jerry was almost bashful when it came to having sex, but he thoroughly enjoyed it. Still, he had a quirky way of dealing with his loyalty to his wife. He would not climax inside me, no matter what kind of sex we had."

Of course you'll see Jerry boasting about his sexual escapades and other crap like he didn't care when he was older like on E True Hollywood Story or Playboy, and GQ Magazine, but I always go back to this passage that Jerry wrote to himself and consider this the truth, because here he didn't have to put on a show for anyone, or try to look macho by saying he had all these women.

From Patti Lewis' book:

“Jerry was a master at candidly acting out personal vignettes about three areas of real life: relationships, situations, and predicaments. They form the backbone of his comedy. He nurtured many relationships and wrote volumes on how he felt. I tried to understand what he was saying, beyond the words, when I read the notes he sent me; the “I luv you’s” written across my makeup mirror at home; and the longer messages I found on my desk.” ”At times I found him five parts philosopher, one part humanist, ten parts deep thinker, one part spiritual, fifty parts comedian, twelve parts unpredictability, and twenty-one parts everything else. In 1966, one late summer afternoon, I found the following and took it to the garden to read:”

”To ask how deeply I feel is like asking, ‘Where is God?’” ”We can answer with nothing more than “if’s” and “maybe’s.” “In other words, the answers are really intangibles, yet I’m going to attempt to answer one of them to the best of my knowledge and awareness.

My feelings, where my wife is concerned, are very deep and very sacred…She is the very reason I live…for she is the only reason I know that makes living worth anything…and the boys that she produced for me are equally worth it, but one day they’ll leave and then there will be only us…

She is the first human thing that has ever cared about me or for me…Oh, there were little dogs, and little boys and a few beings that cared, but not enough that I could have survived.

It was only when she came into my life that I realized I had a life to live…I was always made to feel that I was given a case of breath out of pity…It was as though someone said, “We have plenty, give him some.” Then I knew I had to make good and be someone, or something a little better than those that gave me an occasional handout… As I got older, I didn’t much care about being better than them anymore…I just cared about staying alive and getting some degree of respect as a human thing on God’s Earth…I knew he didn’t mean to have anyone just exist…but he meant fur us all to have a meaning and a purpose. I have to try to get my thoughts put in the proper place so I can put things down that really count! Now then, if my wife was the first to care and to really treat me like a human being with love and warmth and the like…the big question is, “How could I have treated this special being as I have?” My answer that I find coming is… After so many years of being made to feel like nothing…I guess I worked on being something so much more than nothing…that I found myself making the real somethings around me nothing in the haste that drove me to be something…The responsibility of taking care of the loves I had always had made me feel like, “Why should I care for what one day will discard me anyway?” I don’t know if that’s the case, but it sounds right…and coming from someone who loves those tremendous loves as I do, it certainly confuses me, too… My constant silence, I think, has been fear…of what my love would think of what I’ve done…fear of doing the wrong thing…and losing the respect I have always felt I got from her…to be placed in the position of being disrespected and disregarded again has always knotted up my insides so badly that silence seemed the only way to avoid the possibility of rejection…very often my hiding was part and parcel of that fear…The feeling of being nothing again, or being looked at with disdain, has, for as long as I can remember, been tearing me up inside…And those tears have come out looking like torment…Well, tormented I am, and have been, and pray one day soon I won’t know the feeling anymore… My wrapping myself up so completely in my work helped for a while, but the “ego” that came across was never there…I have none. But I work desperately at displaying “ego” to cover the real emptiness I know inside… As a director I have found infinite peace…because I am to so many…an authority, a man who knows, and not someone who is treated with “pity” or “charity”…That’s the biggest reason for the love of creativity I have, for a man is free when he is creating. Not just creating “funny” by way of the mask I wear, but by making others the puppets…and making them stand out front for a change…The feeling of “behind the camera” feels safe, and warm, and special, and certain…”Out front” has been very hard and trying for me…and for the first time in my life I think I can honestly admit…I hated doing it and I still do…The happiness that seemed to appear from standing “in one” was nothing more than getting a general acceptance from a lot of people who care at the moment….But “at the moment” isn’t enough for me anymore… I need all the care I can get all the time…and I only seem to be able to get that from my love, my wife… I don’t ever want to appear “indifferent” to my wife…but that appearance, too, I think is just hoping not to be a burden and an annoyance to her...I just can’t remember ever being anything but an annoyance…and when I’m told I’m not, I can’t seem to recognize that is possibly the case. I don’t like to hide and run…I want to be free to go and do as any other man does… I know I need help…but I really believe the help will come from within…as soon as I can place things in their right positions… Admitting to “hating performing” might help me adjust sooner…Admitting the love I have for writing and direction will, I’m sure, take me out of the depths of my depression…and will ultimately take me into the realm of peace and contentment. I want to talk more, I want to communicate more…I want

to say so much, and get help from her, I want so much to scream the things that tug away at my heart and my soul…And when I try, the hurt is so strong, and deep, and festered that I clam up, and the relief I want doesn’t come… Now to bury that grief…I find someone who has equally as much or more than I so that I can be the helping hand…For if I can help, then my hurts can’t be so bad…How much trouble can I have, if I’m listening to someone else’s? And for years I made that a practice…to give of myself only to forget I needed more giving than anyone… I don’t think I have always been aware of that fact…I really wanted to share and give and be charitable…but there’s that word again…charitable…I should have known better. For “charity” was the one thing that started my life wrong.. I wasn’t entitled to charity by those people when I was so very young…I was entitled to all the love and care all little lives should get…But how long did I have to wait to realize “charity” shouldn’t deal with the ones we love…They should only get the real “love” and nothing more…and give “charity” to strangers in need…Period! (And they should be picked carefully!) I’m trying to feel “God” in me and maybe with his help we can push out the torment…and place the “alive” of a being, back where it was taken from… With it all I am a very lucky man…to have found the real, right, and perfect human being to spend my years with. I want so much to do the right thing to keep her straight and happy and healthy… When she is ill, the reaction to it isn’t any different than when the spike is forced into the vampire’s heart…it’s the only emotional thing that can kill me, and that’s when she hurts…or when I’ve caused her pain…but my intentions are never to hurt her, never to do her a moment’s pain…Never to create a frown on her lovely face…Why those things happen are a complexity to us both…And I will serve myself from here on in as a student of care and concern and caution as to how she gets treated and how I allow much of my feelings to affect her… I can only answer “God” honestly, and he knows my worth and my intentions, I have no fear of his wrath…for I know he knows I’m basically good, and fine, and honorable when it comes to my love and my soul for her… I have no guilt about what I have done thru my blindness…I only have guilt for the things I might have avoided doing…If I had just put…”First things first.” I will try! And “God” knows my heart is talking, not the typewriter.”

[razieltwelve]

My Origin Story

I’m often asked about how I got into self-publishing. It’s something I’ve talked about in previous posts, but I want to talk about it again. It’s been years since I started, and I think time has given me something of a different perspective.

I’ve wanted to be a writer for a long time. However, I first began to take my writing more seriously in high school. I started posting my writing on the internet under various pseudonyms, and I gradually honed my skills. I won’t say I was good back then, but I steadily became less horrible. It still wasn’t something I showed to people I knew in my everyday life, not even to my family. My writing was, in my opinion, still too rough and raw to present to others, except via the anonymity of the internet.

Fast forward to university. I continued to improve my writing as best I could. In fact, I devoted most of my spare time to writing. It was at this point that I began to write fan fiction. Now, I can already tell what some of you are thinking, but writing fan fiction was honestly the best decision I could have made at the time. Fan communities are wonderful things. You don’t have to be the best writer to be welcomed, and you can get access to a far larger amount of critique and advice than you would get as some random lone writer on the internet.

My writing improved markedly during this time since I was now getting regular feedback. Now, obviously, it’s true that most fan fiction readers aren’t professional writers or critics. Sometimes, all you get is “I like the bit where people got stabbed”. Yet amongst all of the one word reviews, random hate messages, and simple but welcome words of encouragement, you do meet people who are genuinely interested in helping you improve. I’m talking about detailed reviews that can be pages long, covering everything from sentence construction to overarching plot critiques.

In my Honours year, I finished my first novel. Before you ask, it’s not something that I’ve published although I do intend to go back and fix it up one day. What mattered wasn’t how good it was. No. What mattered was that I actually finished a novel-length story. It was a bit of mess at times, but it was 100,000 words of original fiction. Sure, it wasn’t great, but it was mine. I actually printed it out and had it bound in a manner similar to my Honours thesis.

During my PhD years, I continued to write, and I began to submit my short stories to fiction magazines while sending out inquiry letters to agents and publishers about my longer stories. Over the four years of my PhD I wrote three novels and many short stories.

And this is where my origin story takes a bit of a dark turn.

Do you want to know how many short stories I got published?

Zero.

Do you want to know how much interest I got from publishers and agents about my longer stories?

Zero.

That’s right. I got absolutely zero interest from anyone about my original fiction.

That’s not a good feeling, let me tell you. It can be very disheartening. I might have thrown myself into fan fiction with a bit more enthusiasm then because at least there, in those communities, people liked what I wrote. Despite all the rejections from publishers and agents, I could at least say that in certain communities, my writing was well-loved and respected.

After bashing my head into the proverbial wall for a couple of years, I began to look into self-publishing. If my writing was genuinely good, then surely I’d be able to sell at least a few copies if I self-published. I wasn’t going to get ahead of myself and predict best-seller status or anything, but I had to be able to sell something, right?

I spent the next few months studying the market and learning how to make eBooks and design covers. Finally, I was ready. The very first book I self-published was The Last Huntress. That book was a labour of love. I pored over every sentence. I obsessed about the characters and the setting. I promoted it as best I could via the communities I was a part of, and then I sat back and waited for the magic to happen.

That last part, the bit about the magic? That was sarcasm.

There was no magic.

In that first month, I sold something like 17 copies.

All told, that translated to around $6.50 for me.

Staring at that result was not the happiest moment of my life. I did the mental arithmetic. Even if I increased my sales a hundred fold, it still wouldn’t be enough for me to make a living via writing. Heck, I could increase my sales three hundred fold and it still wouldn’t be enough.

Luckily, my years of unrelenting failure had somewhat numbed me to this latest failure. I decided to try again. The sequel and some other stories actually managed to do a little better, but that was hardly saying anything. It’s kind of like how if your leg has been cut off, you probably won’t feel the pain of a broken finger all that much.

After a full year of massive failure, my knee decided to explode because of course it did.

Cue surgery.

Cue misery.

Cue six weeks with my leg locked straight in a brace.

Sitting on my couch with my leg propped up beside me, I decided that I wanted to write something different. No more serious fantasy. No more high fantasy. My humorous fan fiction was what had first endeared me to readers, so maybe it was time to write something funny. Besides, it might take my mind off the fact that I had weeks of my leg in a brace to look forward to along with months of physiotherapy.

And don’t even me started on how awkward it was to have a bath or use the toilet.

I was throwing around ideas for what kind of story I could write when a scene came to mind: a necromancer being forced to beat his own wayward creation to death. All I really had was that one scene. It sounded pretty funny to me, so I started writing just to see where it would go.

Two Necromancers, a Bureaucrat, and an Elf is what that idea became.

That book sold more copies in a month than all of my previous books combined had managed in a year. In fact, it managed to outdo all of my previous books combined several times over.

I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to see those numbers rolling in. It wasn’t a bestseller by any means, but it was the first time that I began to think that maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t wasting my time, that maybe I could actually do this.

Things have changed a lot since then.

I’ve written more books, and although they’ve had varying degrees of success, they’ve all done so much better than I could ever have imagined during the doldrums of that first year. Humour, it seems, is what I’m best suited to, along with slice of life, and I’m more than happy to embrace that. I’ve even been lucky enough to have some of my books turned into audiobooks.

So there’s my origin story.

It’s easy, I think, to only remember the things that worked, but it’s important to remember the failures too. Writing isn’t an easy thing to do, especially if you’re aiming to make a living out of it. People can be cruel. You’re going to get reviews from people saying that you’re awful, that your story sucks, and that you should quit writing. But you’re also going to get reviews telling you that your story made someone’s day, that you made someone smile, that they can’t wait for the next book.

I wouldn’t be the writer I am today without those years of failure and disappointment. One of the most important qualities to have if you’re going to write humour is the ability to laugh at yourself and to make light of both the very strange and the very mundane. Moreover, a writer should be honest with themselves if they want to improve.

You can argue with reviewers. You can argue with critics. But you can’t argue with $6.50 worth of sales in a month.

I suppose that’s why I tend to be quite sympathetic to the underdog in my writing. I am one. I know what it’s like to put your heart into something and come up empty handed. I had that happen to me for years. I also know how important it is to celebrate the little wins and the small triumphs. Sometimes, they lead to bigger things, and sometimes, they’re all you have.

Well, that’s it. That’s my origin story.

It’s not exactly glorious. It’s filled with more than its fair share of failures. But it is my story. Mine. And that matters. Anyone who tells you that there isn’t some luck involved in the writing business is crazy. Luck is definitely a thing. But just being lucky isn’t enough. It takes years of hard work to become good enough to make the most of that luck, and it takes a certain level of idiocy/stubbornness to keep going despite everyone slamming doors in your face.

It’s a good thing, then, that I’m a lucky, stubborn idiot.

If you’re interested in my thoughts on writing and other topics, you can find those here.

I also write original fiction, which you can find on Amazon here or on Audible here. Also, just in case you missed it… The Sheep Dragon is out on Audible now! Get it here. It’s 26 and a half hours of fun, humour, and adventure!

[sepublic]

I’ve been binge reading all your amazingly thoughtful analyses and I was wondering, if you could give the Blight Twins their own episode, (like separate one for Edric and one for Emira because I’ve seen how twins don’t want to bunch together all the time and be their own person) what would you want it to be about?

           OH-HO, this is SUCH a flattering ask and I really must thank you for it! It means a lot…

           With Emira, I hate to be obvious, predictable, main-stream, and pick a low-hanging fruit… But I want her to meet Viney. Emira is someone who is concerned the most of the two about having an actual identity on her own, and this likely includes making friends… So why not go get to know the Detention Kids, who are already rebellious in their own way, but while still managing to flex their individuality?

           Just imagine an episode of Emira getting to know Viney, maybe wanting to be close… But Viney, well. She’s someone who’s defensive because she’s been hurt in the past, and after what she’s heard of the Blights and Emira’s penchant for illusions, she is rightfully going to be suspicious. So we’ll have Emira possibly wanting to abuse the Secret Room of Shortcuts for pranks, but then Viney wants to preserve it mostly as an educational tool, and Emira doesn’t CARE for education…

           And this could lead to Em perhaps being too dismissive and even harsh towards Viney, because she seems like someone who while she tries to self-reflect, she sometimes doesn’t fully realize when she’s just parroting her parents’ abuse. And so we have Emira learning to be more mature and straight-forward, to cease the pranks and mind Viney’s feelings and uncertainty… Being truthful and tender to lower her guard, and Emira actually having to openherself to another person that isn’t Edric.

          Perhaps Em admits WHY she’s like this to Viney, who also introduces her side of the story… And they get to be actual friends! Emira learns to respect who Viney is as well as her interests, Viney gives Em a chance and lets her in figuratively AND literally… Maybe Emira even discovers an actual enjoyment of certain classes beyond Illusions! Or she doesn’t, but either way she may not be too much like Viney, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be friends! And not being like someone she’s close to is… HONESTLY what Emira was aiming for, only now she can still respect these differences too!

          As for Edric…

          Edric is a dude who prioritizes companionship over all-else. But he’s also kind of a goofy kid sometimes, and that’s worth noting. Depending on how Lilith’s character development goes, and how she ALSO was someone who was clingy towards her own sister and didn’t respect Eda’s autonomy as an individual to be her own person, insisting that being together mattered most… I’d LOVE to see Lilith perhaps give Edric a few pointers on this, maybe here them talk about their feelings of crippling loneliness! Let Ed get to be a dumb kid sometimes while Lilith isn’t sure what to make of his antics while Luz just enables him. It’d be amazing to see Lilith and Edric talk about their respective relationship towards Amity…

          Ed knowing this is the lady Amity looked up to, having had reservations because she was a bootlicker; But then Lilith threw it all away –albeit not entirely willingly- for Eda and Luz! So, maybe she IS good for something after all…! Meanwhile, Lilith possibly knows of Amity’s occasional issues with her twin siblings…

          And she thinks of her own time with Eda. So, she decides to impart some wisdom to Edric, about how you should always love your sibling and never go too far, while still letting them be a person… And somewhere along the way, Edric realizes this wouldn’t just apply to him and Amity, but him and Emira too.

          Then Lilith and Edric form a found-family bond, maybe Ed accidentally calls her Mom as well… Maybe even Lilith lets him have fun with King and Owlbert, because the kid wanted pets as a child but never got them because of his strict parents! Not sure how King would feel about Edric though, but I could also imagine them getting into some WEIRD antics alongside Luz! And come to think of it…

          Maybe a pet WOULD help Edric’s issues, though unfortunately I can’t really see Lilith being able to help by getting in a good word with the Blight Parents given her, um, employment status. And if Edric could just get away with hiding a pet through illusions, he’d have probably done it by now, so. On another note, Lilith and Edric both wear glasses (or at least Lilith used to), so I’d LOVE to see the two become more comfortable about doing that around each other.

          For either twin, maybe both, I’d also like to explore their thoughts on Willow… They knew she was Amity’s best friend, but did they know WHY Amity cut ties? They seemed legit concerned in Lost in Language over the way ‘Amity treats people’, so I think the twins had worries about Amity pushing away her best friend like that, potentially because of their parents (though to what degree they had no idea)! Not to mention, how do the Twins feel about Boscha…?

          Boscha is ALSO a trouble-maker, and a bit of a bully herself; Though I don’t think to the same extent as Ed and Em were, and arguably without as much of a reason for it. This was someone Amity hung around with for years, do they know it was against her will? Surely the Twins realized how little Amity smiled around Boscha and her posse, did they have concerns that Amity was being too cold to them, not realizing Amity was forced to hang out with them to begin with?

          How do they feel about Boscha and Amity being on bad terms, about the former breaking the latter’s leg… And what was Boscha’s perspective on the two, and how Amity disliked them? Maybe Ed and Em are harsh towards Boscha for the Grudgby incident, but then they also seem pretty open-minded when it comes to people outside of their family… So maybe they consider Boscha’s side of the story and how Amity WAS cold to her and the others. And maybe the twins learn about what their parents ordered, and tell Boscha to give some peace of mind for her, to give closure…

          Sure it hurts for Boscha to hear Amity never DID like her, but in this case, it really IS for her own good. Maybe it’ll be like Understanding Willow, only instead of Luz it’s Ed and Em, and instead of Willow it’s Boscha; Perhaps we learn more of Boscha’s background, and we get to see her and Amity reconcile, perhaps with Boscha finally learning to respect Willow and Luz on Amity’s behalf… Or they at least acknowledge that both were put into a messed-up situation, a false and thus unhealthy friendship, and decide to leave without any grudges. Who knows?

           I’d honestly love to see Ed and Em perhaps act as like… surrogate older siblings to Boscha, because now they get to make more friends outside of the family (and at least their parents can’t disapprove of Boscha), and they talk about their own mutual concerns and thoughts of Amity, with the twins vouching for Amity while at the same time considering what Boscha has to say and relaying that… Maybe the twins, who are willing to be self-aware, even if they’re not the best at it, tell Boscha to cut out the bullying, that she doesn’t need to be on top or be beholden to what anyone else says!

          I think it’d be sweet, honestly, and I’d love to see more of Boscha’s friends for that matter! Because we know that while Amity was never close to any of them, she’s still an inherently good person and thus felt bad about injuring them in Grudgby; Especially since to Amity’s perspective, she’s no doubt been ‘lying’ to Boscha about their friendship, even if it wasn’t her fault!

          But, yeah… Sorry for getting a little off-topic, but given how much this show stresses relationships and found family, and blood-family being obligated to RESPECT the found family of their relatives… I just think it’d be fascinating to see, on top of Emira and Edric having their own personal journeys of self-discovery! Because as we see with Luz, being your own individual doesn’t mean cutting ties from everyone else, and arguably…

          Making new connections can HELP one make an identity! Because you still choose to make connections not out of obligation, need, and situation… But because it’s what you want and it’s all YOU as a result, because desires are a reflection of a person! And maybe then, Emira and Edric can go back to being Twins and closest friends, now closer than ever in a healthy sense, because now they’re still their own individuals and respect one another as such, and are fine with letting each other be people!

          That they know who they are, and so the Twins don’t need to worry about losing sight of that identity whenever they hang around, because in the end… While MAYBE some of their closeness came as a result of having no one else and needing companionship against their parents, I really do believe that Emira and Edric, despite potential fears suggesting otherwise, DO love and enjoy one another’s company and always will, perhaps more than they do others’! And as long as they’re their own people, that wouldn’t even be a bad thing, honestly…

          Just, the idea of Emira and Edric trying to figure out who they are separate from one another, and in learning so, their bond with each other becomes even stronger and healthier! That they become more comfortable, and more close, because they can afford to be truly honest without worrying about losing the other and having nobody else!

          Once the confusion of who they are is cleared, the Blight Twins can go back to enjoying one another unconditionally, neither worrying about being different nor the same! Just natural sibling love…! No more concern about losing oneself amidst the other, because Emira and Edric are truly their own people now, and thus they aren’t dependent upon one another and can be fully healthy to each other!

          Maybe by the end of their respective journeys, Emira and Edric learn to respect the wishes of one another, while still staying the same… With Edric realizing that he can’t hold onto Emira possessively, and Emira recognizing Edric’s genuine love and concern for her, that she doesn’t need to ‘cut ties’ to be her own person!

          …Look, I just have FEELINGS about these twins, because they’re the children of the Blight Parents and that alone implies issues, but we already SEE a few concerning things, and I just want them to reconcile after Grom and heal from the pain of rejection! Them being stood up is the last we see of Emira and Edric both in terms of official content and chronology, I demand CLOSURE and emotional reparations for these kids!

[manatehispants]

Mystic Fourth

Fourth of July has always been a big deal for the little town of Mystic Falls. During the day there are parades, family togethers and large picnics. All the women put on their little red, white and blue sundresses. The men scramble to the stores making sure they are properly stocked up on beer and fireworks for the evening. Normally, Bonnie loved Fourth of July. She would spend the day with her grandma. The two would grill out. Her grandmother would tell stories of her childhood and stories that her mother had passed down to her. Many of the stories Bonnie had heard before and often times she questioned how true they were. But the truth of the stories and how often she had heard them mattered little. What mattered was that valuable family time she got to spend with her grandmother. After this came the time night of friendship and looking up at the sky as she would watch it explode into different arrangement of colors. Each explosion more beautiful than the last. However this year was different. For the first time in many years Bonnie wasn’t filled with a sense of joy as she awoken. She woke with a heavy heart. So much had changed for the young witch since only one year ago. Her grandmother had passed on to another life and her friends seemed to grow more and more distance from her every day. Caroline would occasionally make time for her, but she was often busy with her new boyfriend. And Elena? Well, trying to get that girl to pay her any mind felt like a more and more impossible task. Elena was constantly either run from or to some new vampire driven thing. It wasn’t all her fault, but it grew tiresome. Some days Bonnie wanted to be exactly what she was a human. Sure, she was a witch.

But, her whole world did not need to be that of the supernatural. This was something that Elena did not grasp or Bonnie did not think so. The way she disgustingly ran into the arms of Stefan at every turn made Bonnie’s skin crawl. Didn’t Elena understand that so much what they all have lost is because of beings like him? No. Not just beings like him…..STEFAN directly could be faulted for many of the horrors this town had been forced to endure. It felt like every time Bonnie pointed this out Elena stood up for Stefan. Elena never failed to have his back…..But who had Bonnie’s back these days? Nobody. This realization had come to the witch’s attention before, but today as she laid in bed staring up at her ceiling it was hitting her hard. It took almost an hour before the young woman found the needed will power to move herself from the small comfort which her bed was providing her with. This year there would be no dressing up for Bonnie she decided. Nope. She was going to treat this day as if it was any other day. Instead of getting a cute little themed sundress Bonnie had jean shorts. For a tops she wore a ruffled mustard colored off the shoulders tee shirt. The shirt showcased a small amount of flat toned stomach when she reached her arms up. Knowing her friends would be busy with their own families and boyfriends Bonnie took the time to really pamper herself. She painted her nails a gold along with her toes to match. Bonnie took the time really get her cat eyes down pack in shades of shimmering gold. The final touch was a deep red lipstick that had a hint of sparkle to it. Looking at herself in the mirror Bonnie smiled. These days she rarely liked what she saw looking back at her. She so often felt like she hardly knew the woman who stood before, but she saw what others so foolish ignored. A strong powerful woman with looks that could kill. Bonnie spent the rest of her day lounging around the house. Much to her dismay, but not to her shock…..Not once did anybody bother checking in on her. Too busy with their own lives and that was understandable. They should be enjoying today should they not? They all had families to spend time with and people to dot on. Still, it hurt to know that while they all had somebody she had nothing. She couldn’t help, but feel a bit bitter. Why did everyone else in the world get somebody and she got nothing? What had she possibly done so wrong in life that she should have to end up alone? She did not understand, and the more she tried the more hurt she felt. By the time the sun was starting to set Bonnie felt herself becoming far too wrapped in her own self pity. And she wouldn’t stand for that. Bonnie Bennett would never be the girl who sat around crying for herself. If she did not like the way her life was going she would take matters into her own hands and change it.

“Fuck it.”

Muttered Bonnie to herself. She dragged herself off the sofa where she had spent most of the day reading and watching chick flicks. Bonnie headed to the kitchen and grabbed her purse along with her keys off the counter. Her favorite part of Fourth of July had always been the fireworks. She hadn’t missed seeing them since she was ten years old. Even if she had to see them alone she now decided she was not going to miss out on them. No more brooding inside. It was time for her new begins to start. Strong women do not need others to have fun. They can make their own fun. That is what she told herself as she headed to her front door. She even had a confident smile on her lips by the time she got there that is until she opened her door. Her whole face dropped and her bright green eyes narrowed. Standing in her doorway was the one man she wanted to see least of all right now. Damon.

“Are you looking for a headache? Because you are about to get a Hell of one if you do not get off my porch right now.”

Damon let out a laugh and smirked at Bonnie. His ice blue eyes locked onto her and Bonnie felt a chill run down her spine. He was danger given human form. He was part of everything she hated right now. Part of everything that had put her into a place of being so isolated. Why was he here? What could he possibly want with her now?

“Aww. You’d do that to me before I have a chance to explain myself? And they call me hotheaded.”

Tilting her head to the side only a few degrees Bonnie smiled coldly at Damon. The oldest Salvatore brother was in the process of winking at her when it hit him. His brain felt as if it was on fire. Every nerve ending was screaming in pain. Falling to his knees he pressed his hand against his temples.

“OKAY! OKAY! Point made! STOP! I GIVE!”

It was tempting to keep going. Oh how wonderful it would have felt to let this place out. Bonnie could have done it too. She was powerful enough. She could have kept going till Damon was dead for good. But that isn’t the kind of person she is. Bonnie isn’t someone who can murder without it being a last resort. Bonnie ended Damon’s torment and with speed only possibly of the supernatural he was back on his feet.

 “I should snap your neck for that.”

“But you won’t. Why are you here?”

Damon scowled and ran a hand through his thick dark hair. She was right. He wasn’t going to kill her for it. Even if it wouldn’t piss everyone off and even if she did not have powers of her own he still wouldn’t kill her. Despite their disagreements he had respect for Bonnie. She was a woman who could stand her ground and did not take shit from anyone himself included. Bonnie was also witty and when she wasn’t being a total bitch to him she could be fun. He was drawn to her in a way he had never been drawn to someone before. Not Katherine or even Elena whom the town seemed to think his brother and him obsessed over. He’d never admit it, but he maybe…..Possibly liked Bonnie.

“Jeez. I was here to see if Elena stopped by. She wasn’t at her place and I assu—-“

Holding up a hand to stop Damon from finishing his sentence Bonnie walked by him and headed towards her car. She did not have time for this vampire shit. Not tonight. Tonight she wanted to be selfish for just once. Just once she wanted to do something for herself, and that something was seeing those damn fireworks. “Whatever you thought. You thought wrong. She said she was spending the day with family and then going to see the fireworks with Stefan. Try her cell and again, get off my porch.” Knitting his eyebrows together Damon frowned. In flash he was by Bonnie’s car and blocking her from getting to it. Bonnie was about ready to really fry his brain up.

“He never mentioned it to me.”

“I wonder why. Maybe he didn’t want you messing up his night. Move.”

There was that wit. This was part of what he both loved and hated about the lady. She wasn’t scared of him. Bonnie wasn’t like others. She didn’t say things only to hurt him and Bonnie never said things only to please him either. Bonnie told him things like they were. Out of all the people in his life she was the most openly honest with him. He never really thought about that until this moment. The thought made him frown for half a second before he put a cocky grin up. The same grin that constantly earned him an eye roll from the female standing before him.

“Why are you so anxious to leave? You got a hot date? Somebody finally took an interest in you instead of all your friends?”

Ouch. She hadn’t expect for it to hurt that but Damon’s words cut much deeper than anything else he had ever said to her. And the pain showed in Bonnie’s eyes. For the first time in many years it made Damon feel an emotion he thought he rid himself of. Guilt. He hadn’t meant to be cruel. Honestly! He had been joking. It was meant to mock the ones around her who were too stupid to realize what a stunning woman she was. Damon looked away from her.

“Not that it’s your business, but I am going to see the fireworks. And I don’t have and I do not need a damn date for that.”

Her tone was a mix of unexpected bitterness and a hint of sadness towards the end. Bonnie hated herself for sounding what she viewed as weak. She fully expected for Damon to jump on this and mock her. Why wouldn’t he? He loved getting under her skin and she had made a perfect opening. What happened next she never would have expected.

“You’re full of shit. You have a date.”

Both eyebrows jolted upwards expressing shock. What the Hell did he thinks she was hiding a date from him now!? Bonnie attached as Damon finally stepped aside only to appear at the other side of her car. She opened her mouth to argue with him, but before she could do so he grinned at her. The witched closed her mouth and waited to see what was so amusing to the elder Salvatore now.

“You got me.”

Oh this was too good. Bonnie bursted out laughing. Was he serious? She opened her car door now that he had moved and got in. Maybe if she started up the car he would go find someone else to bug. But, no…..He opened the car door on his side and got in.

“You’re kidding, right? Why?”

Shutting his door Damon put his seat belt showing that he was serious and shrugged over at her. She was right to question it. He was even questioning himself for once.

“Why not? Not like either of us have a date, right?"

Closing her own door Bonnie also buckled up and started her car. She should kick him out and drive a million miles away from Damon. He was the definition of bad idea, but she couldn’t get herself to do it. After all they had been through together. All the shit he had done to her, she should hate him. Had she been thinking all day about how vampires had helped to ruin her life? Still, looking over at him she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t make him leave. They weren’t as different as she pretended them to be. Both were alone in this world and both were constantly tossed aside in favor of others. He had been tossed aide by Katherine, Elena and even in his brother. She hated to think, but maybe this was okay. Maybe it was okay for two lonely souls to spend one night together. Not that they were doing THAT. They would ONLY be seeing fireworks. That is ALL! Her face softened.

“Fine. But this isn’t a date. Just two people watching fireworks together. That’s it. Try to make it into anything else and I will melt your brain right out your ears understood?”

Her comment brought a smile to his face. Damon leaned his seat back and kicked his feet up onto the dashboard. Lacing the fingers of his hands together he placed them behind his head.

“Sure. I got it. Your lose. I also got the perfect place for us to go.”

“Of course you do. Lay it on me.”

As she pulled out of her driveway Bonnie is shaking her head at Damon, but for the first time all day her heart feels light. She’s has a smile on her face that isn’t forced or the product of bitterness it’s one of excitement. Her tradition will live on. She will be seeing fireworks with someone she cares about tonight after all.

[marshmallowprotection]

Kait Reacts To The AE 9/?

Hi! These reactions are written out every time a Chatroom opens and it’s done over the course of the day. So, you’re watching me react in real time as it is for me. So, Spoilers AHOY. Expect Another post like this later today, there is just too many chats to put it all in one post. So, hey, if you click this, you’re opening yourself to spoilers, you make the choice.

[16:25]

Rika isn’t happy to say the least. I mean, what do you expect? She’s a path of destruction and a downward spiral that we can’t ignore. We can’t ignore it cause we are at the mercy of that destruction. It’s a really short chat because she has a lot on her mind from what she saw earlier. 

The little glass house that he was trying to build for herself huh? Yeah, that’s crumbling because she seems to know very that she’s got no control over him anymore and that’s not what she wants. She wants him to be pliable. Mailable. She just wants him to be the way that Ray was, honestly, I note that from the start of the chat. The Ray that we knew and loved at the start that’s now apart of GE Saeran. 

She wants him to break. She wants him to bow his head and listen and he’s not going to do that. I don’t imagine he ever will again. He doesn’t want to do that and that’s that. She leaves the chatroom really quickly, though, I can sense that something isn’t right. When people like this tend to get angry and mad about the loss of control over people, they tend to—

Lash out. 

I’m actually really proud of Saeran. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about forgive or judge. He doesn’t want to waste his energy loathing or living or stewing in the pain. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t feel it. He knows that pain and he very well knows it. He knows this like the back of his hand. He knows what it feels like to used, to be manipulated, to be hurt, and so on and so forth. He looks at Rika, and he just simply says it like it is. He saw what he did. He saw what Rika did, and he is aware of the... connection.

Rika pushed him to hurt in the same ways that she hurt. The difference is that he was able to realize he was wrong. The need to put up walls and to be strong, to hurt before you are hurt. He knows that feeling very well. He knows what that is because he did it himself, and he’s still apologizing and trying to make up for that fact every single day. He knows that forgiveness isn’t given easily, but we gave it to him and he wants to prove he was worthy of that. 

He wants to be better, not just for me. 

Not just for others. 

It’s for himself. He knows what it feels like to be angry and trapped in this cycle of endless trauma, this endless struggle to be the strongest you can be to stop people from leaving you or hurting you or what have you. It hurts him to be that way, it hurts him to hurt others, it hurts him to do... that. He doesn’t want to be that way ever again. Rather, he wants to be happy. To be happy, he has to admit his mistakes and grow from that. 

He has to be willing to reflect inward as well as outward. 

It’s better to admit when you’ve made a mistake because then you can grow from it and become a better person. While he doesn’t like Rika or want to be near her, he does offer her some advice and it was very kind of him to do that because he doesn’t owe her shit. He just sees her suffering in this hatred and tells her why he is the way he is, and why when he and Ray came together, they learned from that and became who they are right now. 

That’s all he has to say. 

And Rika flips the hell out. She wants him to be angry and lash out but he’s not doing that. She wants him to hate her and she wants to see him spark with rage and anger all the time. Loathe her. Give her fire and reason to exist. This is all that she knows. She stops, “What if I do something worse to you? You’ll hate me then, won’t you?!” 

Saeran, “It doesn’t matter if you do.” 

“Don’t lie to me!” she shouts at him with burning in her eyes, “I know what you’re thinking. You’ll hate me! You’ll loathe me—”

“If you keep telling yourself that now... you’ll make yourself the greatest victim of all,” Saeran says. “If I get to choose what I do before I die. I want to choose to be understanding instead of hating others. I’m not saying I love you, or hate you. Sorry I changed.”

Then she fucking breaks down in tears and admits that she’s been selfish to him. She has been claiming she’s been taking care of others when all she’s been doing is torturing them. She claims that she still wants to be loved and her inner child is hurting. Her body is too big for the love she craves. She’s scared of being left behind or rejected. She says, “It’s all because I was an orphan that nobody ever wanted. I thought it would repeat forever and ever.” 

Saeran stops her before she can finish. “Can I ask you something? I know you just got back but...”

“What?”

“I... I want some ice cream.”

Now that was a lot. 

I’m proud of Saeran, point blank. He’s handling this much better than I do with his abuser. He’s the bigger person and he keeps his cool. I’m proud of him but I don’t trust Rika. She spiraled but she’s not turning over to our side. I don’t trust that. I don’t trust her. She’s too dangerous and volatile. She’s going to crack at some point and honestly.

I’m kind of worried about the one big secret that remains. Is she going to break down and admit what she did to Mother Choi? She literally said that was the very moment that she gave up on everything and let herself do things without looking back or questioning the good or bad in it. She just acted. So, I have to wonder if that secret will be revealed...

I don’t know. 

It might make matters worse. 

[17:55]

I’m a bit complicated. I know that Saeran has decided not to lash out at Rika, it is out of pity, more than anything. He hasn’t forgiven her but he’s being the bigger person and that’s respectable. Rika has... done a 180 degree turn in a matter of minutes and that’s not okay. Listen, things don’t change that fast. If you move too fast and don’t even think it through, something is going to go wrong here. I do not know if it’s... if she’s going to lose her mind about something or if she’s going to reveal the truth. 

I don’t know if she’s going to crack here. I honestly cannot tell what’s going to happen with Rika. It’s too calm, it’s too fast, and it’s too simple. I’m not going to be tricked or led to believe that she’s going to turn around this fast. Nope, that is not how this works. Let me just show the two moments that let me know again all I need to know: 

She’s saying that she’s grateful Saeran hit her with a callout post. She says that she’s grateful that he’s being “kind.” She gets that he just looks at her as someone he wants to understand in some kind of way, but one day she hopes that she’ll be able to draw a smile out of him the same caliber that we do for him and that’s...We all know this isn’t going to last.

Any shift that Rika has had is going to be broken the minute that Saeyoung and I are meant to escape and I’m honestly... fearful. Rika has blacked out in self-defense before and killed someone. We all know who she killed. We all know that this is somehow going to tie together somehow. I don’t know how but this is just my suspicion! 

And then she hit me with the good old: 

Don’t worry, Saeran swapped the secure chat on when she left. He said the RFA can join the safe chat now, and that they could be seeing that we’re talking to one another right now... and he begins to do this again, telling me that he’s going to leave. He doesn’t want me to be said. But, I’m sad. I know that this isn’t really what he wants but he doesn’t see anything else...

He’s willing to be selfless if it protects others. I know that feeling very well, but it is hard to be this type of person when someone does it to you. Honestly, if the boys were both awake, we, all three, would be having a bickering match about who should stay behind because my dumbass would be saying leave me while they be free, Saeyoung would disagree that Saeran and I should leave, and Saeran would say that no, Saeyoung and I should leave because he can survive this. 

He... says that when he looks at the clouds, he thinks of me now. We know that he value that freedom. I try. I try to plead with him. I can’t accept it, that’s not how to get the good ending, at least, that’s what I think. I’m literally doing this blind without any help and I’m just following my heart. I don’t always get hearts so I’m not sure! 

So, here we are... crying about the end. Well, I am. I’m still crying. 

I’m not leaving you behind, Saeran. I won’t. I have to find a way to make this work and I have to find a way to protect you. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I have to try. 

I’m not sure if we’re in the same room as Saeran when this happens, but V comes into the room. He suddenly says that he wants to release Saeran. He said that Rika said to do it. He asks if he runs. V said, “The agents will catch you if you try. You will not be going anywhere. But.. I guess Rika trusts you.” 

V looks strained. 

“What?” 

“It’s nothing.”

V calls after this. 

V actually agrees with me that Rika changed too fast. Well, I can see even in your darkness and worst self, you know that she’s progressing a way that isn’t good. He says that he failed Rika because he was too scared to tell her to her face what he felt. Rika’s change is welcome, he says, but he has his doubts on this. He and V need to reflect, he says. He just wishes that things are going to be peaceful after Saejoong. He says something odd after I ask if his plan is going to work. “You sound as if there is something I am unaware of.” 

V, I don’t trust you. 

He says that he wants to help Rika, but honestly, this isn’t the way. What’s worse is that he’s starting to imply something that builds onto my fear of what Rika is most guilty of. The murder is a big deal. I’m not gonna lie. That was what she called her moment of no return. So, you know. He knows. I know. This isn’t going to be the same very soon.

Yeah. I thought so. 

Anyways. I called Saeran after this and I got a very lengthy call with him. I did cry about it. He talks about the stars... he wishes he could share the view with the three of us. I ask him if he wants to say anything to Saeyoung, what would he ask if we were together like this? He says... well, I find himself drawn to the Gemini constellation. I often imagine... what he may think when he sees it. I say that he would think of him. Saeran is worried that he might be annoyed, but I know him. Saeyoung would never.

Saeran sighs. “Yeah, you spent more time with him then I did. He gave up everything for me. I hope he becomes free. I hope that he can go on rides... I know he loves cars. One day fly away far in a spaceship... get some ice cream... I’m sure he’d love exploring. I hope that he explores all kinds of places for me. I hope that he tells himself that I see what he sees when he sees the stars, and the Gemini.

And now, Saeran has got me fucking sobbing again. I swear to go, I keep fucking getting upset and crying. I haven’t been okay since 11:11AM. I cannot even express words right now. I’m just crying because I love him so much and all of this. Magenta... Ray... Suit Saeran... Saeray. I’m just... I. You can see what I mean here. I was crying and I stupid laughed when he brought up those times in the past. 

He was always there when I needed him. 

[19:09]

Saeran isn’t tied up anymore. That’s good. Rika let him go free from the chains and that’s... okay. She’s still... you know? She even jests that she may consider talking to the agency for a moment to let me stay, but I know that’s a farce. She doesn’t want that. The second that you say you don’t want it, she just turns it right back against you and says that she can not involve you in this, and yeah, it isn’t a surprise. Rika has always said what people want to hear. I don’t trust her change for a second. 

She asks if we’ll talk after this. V logins in before I can answer. I say that it’s a relief that things have “loosened” up. V goes, “Was it vicious before?” Really? You are gonna say that when you drugged Saeyoung in front of you? Really? In front of my brother in law? REALLY? 

V very clearly doesn’t trust this change in Rika. He has to ask if she really is okay. I hate that I snorted at this. I really do. It’s not funny. 

V asks why it never worked when they were together, then. She says that she was too scared of what everyone would think when they knew who she really was but now she doesn’t have that. Everyone knows what she really is and who she really is. Saeran “only wanted to be nice to me. He’ll be nice, that’s how he has decided to live now.” 

Unlike Saejoong.

Rika asks me I think that she’ll pay the price. What is that price? She says that she is ready for the waves to crash.

I doubt it. 

You’re still hiding something. 

V says that he wants to have the surgery to fix his eye after they make up with Saeyoung, and Rika goes, “I’m sorry. But, hey, I should go ahead and book it for you since that’s going to happen either way!” 

Then she leaves, and I’m stuck with V again. I have a sinking feeling in my damn gut and oh my fucking GOD. WHY AM I RIGHT AGAIN?! “Rika has a secret. It is a big one. I don’t know if things wil hold... if Saeran learns the truth. But, I think it is time. I think it’s time to talk about the truth. I need to see if this sweet hope is actually something that I can manifest.”

He leaves the chatroom and the Visual novel starts. He takes Saeran out of the room to talk. Saeran doesn’t want to because it’s getting late and we only have so much time together but... V notes that something is off. But, Saeran talks fast and wants his answers to what this is about. V sighs, saying that they cannot talk where Rika can hear them. He asks Saeran if he thinks that Rika has really changed or not. 

Saeran asks why he went back to her... was it to make her secure? He has to admit that he doesn’t understand V. He wants to know why he left all of that and if it’s really because he... doesn’t want to be his father and do what he did to his mother, you know? V says... kind of, but there’s more to it than that. V wants his answers to something. Maybe the guilt of who Rika is now. He only knew the change from Rika. That’s why he always followed after her. He knows that it’s dumb and that he’s being stupid. Jihyun admits that he’s done wrong, he went and protected a criminal and hurt his friends. 

Saeran says, “Well you must be curious yourself then if you’re willing to risk all of that.” 

V says, “Well, I’m deformed. You know that.” 

“It took you two a while to get here,” Saeran says. 

“I’m not sure if we are there or if you can say there is an US,” V says. 

Have they changed? Will they ever know? He’s afraid but he wants to see the burns through until the end. Saeran scoffs, “The way that you love is dangerous and bizarre.” 

“I’m deformed,” he repeats. “That’s why I’m attracted to this, I suppose.” 

V admits that he heard what Rika and Saeran talked about. He heard it and he wonders about this. Does he really mean this? Does he mean that he will stay the way he is now if he knows? If he knows that there is something more? Will he stay the same even if there is something horrible about Rika? Will he forgive her? Will he forgive V?

That’s his Question.

Saeran, “There’s something I’m not aware of?”

V, “...If you can treat her well even after learning the very last fault, she will change. I know it. So... would you?” 

FUCKING KNEW IT. FUCKING CALLED IT. I WAS RIGHT. I WAS FUCKING RIGHT. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Rika is going to crack when the secret is going to be revealed, oh my God, what is going to happen in the two chats that are left at the end of the day? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING TO HAPPEN? 

[buuttercup]

My laziness needs to end and this weekend needs to absolutely not happen. I do stupid things when I'm bored. I dangle my carrot in front of anyone I can as if that will make me feel okay. When I speak to anyone about B and I, I say I'm doing better than I am; I don't say we've fucked, obviously, because that's fucking laughable; I say I know I'll be able to find someone better for me, even though I don't think that's true; I say I'm never going back to him, even though I want to every day and every second. Everything I say is the antithesis of what is actually true. And that's fucking typical.

This new guy I've been talking to must find me so cringe, always posting vain photos and videos of myself now. I can't be bothered with what he thinks of me other than his opinions on my appearance but I want to see him again just to see. It's kind of funny how calculated and predictable it all is, my process of trying to heal after a breakup. I reduce myself every time. Feeding off attention from people that do not matter serves no one. Fucking randoms, promising things I can't keep, frivolous spending, painting myself to be more okay than I am. It’s all methodical.

I'm so fake on top of my shit and drowning in responsibilities I'm avoiding, but I don't really know what I'm waiting for? I wake up and run through a list of the things I need to take care of, but I'm still in the mindset I was when I was in 4th grade: convinced I will die at a young age, so why bother? I can't explain why I used to feel this way but I always felt I was meant to die at a young age, almost like I wanted that for myself. An escape to avoid the pain adulthood and wisdom bestows on you.

Myriad relationships with past friends and lovers have been reemerging as of late. I should be gracious of these people reaching out, as it comes from a place of love, but I actually hate it. These people from the past are all reminders of a version of myself that had less fortitude and self respect. That version of myself has admittedly become a victim of the harsh voice I speak to myself in. How stupid could you be? To be convinced that I found my one and only so early in life, right under my nose. I held onto him because I thought his lack of experiences would guarantee his loyalty and devotion. I thought, "I'll show him all that he hasn't seen or felt. I'll make him obsessed with me. I will secure my place in his heart." Naive and reluctant to the idea of him stepping outside of me. I am so tired of feeling not enough and making myself to be this diminutive version of myself that does not exist.

I have nothing to hide... except all the things I have to hide. Such as the shame and degradation I bring onto myself.

My life is sickeningly ironic at this point. Laughably, actually. My roommate has started up with a new boy. It's heart eyes, cuddling, and coffee made by 7am type of love right now. I'm not jealous. I don't want the guy. I'm not bitter about the fact that she keeps comparing her experiences with this guy with me and B. (I miss the ring 'me and B' had to it.) I'm really not. What I have been clinging onto however, are the parallels in her feelings and spoken words about this guy in comparison to my guy. Memories of excitement and lightheartedness can only be recalled as though it was another person living through them. I can't imagine myself boo'd up, laughing, secured... enamored with someone at all. Much less B. It's like, who was that that was living through all that sweetness? The irony lies in me knowing that that sweetness is what I'm holding onto. They are my favorite scenes from my favorite movie that I keep rewinding. Experiences unique to me n B. Although I'm broken, I can't dismiss the love and care B showed me. There’s a reason why I stuck by him for as long as I did, and there's a reason why I was more than happy to for the rest of my life. To make myself ashamed of the love I experienced with this person is wrong of me to do. I won't lie; it does hurt to see her so happy and nonetheless compare my happiness and optimism to what she feels. I promised to myself that I wouldn't project any of my own negativity and cynicism onto her.

This season isn't about he and I. It's about me.

Every moment I spend not working or working out feels like a waste. Even when I’m deep in my most depressing and lonely thoughts, I feel like I should be working out.

I think sick things. I think sick things to convince myself to be okay with what he did or.. the exact opposite.. to convince myself to banish this person from my heart forever. I asked him, when did you do this? Where? Did you show yourself? Either situation feeds into my insidious thoughts. If he showed himself, he shared his beauty and had that connection with someone else. They saw him and he saw them. I try to put myself in his shoes in that moment, I think, "well at east if he showed himself, I know human tendencies and that everyone looks at themselves during most of a video call, right?? At least he was probably looking at his own dick part of the time?? Yeah, at least he wasn't entirely focused on another body during that entire time.." The other option is that he wasn't on cam, and that is was only her. Still shit. To think of him being so primal and lusting for other parts, another body, anther person, kills me. I am too obsessed with the superficial connections he had with other people, but that is only because I feel THAT IS ALL I HAVE TO OFFER! I fooled myself into believing his lack of experience would minimize his hunger for other women, because I assumed he didn't know what else was out there. I assumed he would see me and have me and that that would be enough. We told each other about our past; I was his first serious girlfriend, I thought at the time, so I felt safe in the delusion that I wasn’t competing with memories of someone before me. I ransacked all parts of him in search of safety and fidelity. Nothing I thought about him was true.

And yet, I’m the I am still so hungry for him. He is more than his beautiful exterior; I crave his voice, his comfort, pragmatism, and his warmth. I have never given love an honest go like this. All my time spent with him was always sweet; I never felt blessed in my life, but I felt that way with him. I am convinced I won't ever be able to find what I found in him in anyone else. The narrative that there is only one person made for us is naive and impractical, but I really do feel that way with him. He checks my social media often; I know that. I am scared for the day it all ends because I know that when that day comes, I will not be in the same place. I will still be waiting. Perhaps it's my self cruelty speaking for my whole self, but I honestly believe I will always be waiting for him. I thought I'd be the same way with Leo. I was scary scary obsessed with him. Hastily convinced that this is the person for me; there are still times I think that... but all those fallacies are crowded out the second I think of B. Am I missing being loved or and I missing being loved by this person? How could I have aggrandized someone so small and immature? Who am I even talking about?? All of them.

Hearing of my mother's heartbreak is more painful than listening to my own. I don't think B has any idea of the ripples of pain he's caused around me. When I speak to my mom, I hear the hopeless romantic in her. She is waiting for this guy to prove himself in ways my father never could. She speaks about he and I as if she knows and wants for us to get back together again. She is waiting for a grand gesture, as was I. She is waiting to see if this guy will prove to be different, in ways my father could never be. I think she wants that just for my own sanity, so I don't go off to asume every man will only disappoint me. It's too late for that. Although I already believe that of men, part of me is still holding out for this person. Why was I robbed of my happiness and future experiences with this person??

I get so bitter when I start to think of everything I missed out on with B. Every relationship I see makes me think of what could’ve been. I'm like, that fucker didn't even get to see me dance, get to feel me grind on him while we were out, he didn't get to feel me eat his ass and suck him raw like I wanted, he didn't get to see me actually dolled up in that dress I saved for just him, he didn't get to feel me fully, we didn't get to vacation together, he didn't get to have the full me. Is that why this all happened? I get so angry at all that he didn't get to experience with me, as if it's my own fault that he's not trying as hard as I want him to be. A larger part of myself is convinced that he didn't get to experience these things with me because he didn't deserve to. I am so ready to put myself on display, to serve myself on a platter. The second I am made to be the fool, I carry the blame on my back as if it was my own faults that put us here. I feel this is the only way someone will see me and want me and only me. This will never be true; it's not like I want this to be my narrative, I really think it is though. If I'm not waiting for B to be at my door, I'm waiting for the day to be fully healed; neither seems reachable. Am I feeling this way because he is actually the one that is meant for me or because I've never been betrayed to this degree, and I'm yearning for an absolution? Way beyond the clouds is where I'll find my answer, by the time my head is light and empty enough to float high enough to find these answers, I think it will be too late. Every day, every second I have to fight myself to call him, to tell him to come over, to let him know about his secured spot in my heart. I can’t do that because I know it’s not true. It was not true with Leo, and although I know it’s unfair to compare B with L, both are in the same category; undeserving of me. A part of me wishes I could rush his growth so that it would alleviate some of the shame I might receive from getting back with him but I know that’s selfish. More of me wants the whole process to be rushed because I believe what we had was unique and beautiful and that it was the security that he and I deserved. The idea that he still wants me too makes it all worth it. I will be taken for granted again if that were to happen though. My feelings of heartbreak aren’t unique; I know I have felt this way before, and I might feel this way again.

I feel the ghost of his hand on my waist all the time.

[adonis-koo]

Sorry my asks was too long I had to make an acc and I hope you don’t mind I just re post all my asks as submit instead coz it’s long!

1-9 after reading ch 11 and prob unpopular opinion but I kinda felt like sometimes tease!jk behavior comes across as emotional manipulative with how he tends to guilt trip mc with his double standards when he’s angry.

He makes her feel bad for things he’s doing the same. And what he said was crossing the line and downright cruel. I understand the reasoning but I have to agree with that anon who said he was let off easy

2-9 I feel like he’s so far given a lot of excuse and pass for his toxic behaviour just because he has a messed up past. When I look at the conflict between mc, he tends to lash out towards her a lot when he can’t express his emotions properly or is jealous. It makes mc look like his emotional punching bag at times and coz he’s more aggressive than her, she ends up get dragged by or is affected by his emotions a lot more than hers does his in a negative way. Mc ain’t right too but she never lashed out the way he did.

3-9 Mc ain’t right too but she never lashed out the way he did. Sure he apologized but I feel like it was dismissed and that behavior wasn’t addressed more seriously. him being forgiven so easily doesn’t seem to allow him the chance to experience the full consequences of his actions and he needs to learn he can’t always deal with his pain by self-harm if he did happen to lose mc.

4-9 and mc seems a little over depend on jk’s approval. If him not apologizing would be enough for her to shut down that bad, than it shows her dependence on him might be bordering on unhealthy. It feels like all her approval and acceptance of herself at this point stems from jk’s behavior and words towards her because as you mentioned, her friends wouldn’t be able to pull her out of that situation if she did shut down.

5-9 She seem to feel insecure when he’s not giving her the attention she wants coz of her insecurities of not measuring up. I’m not sure if she’s aware of that and if she is it’s not addressed as much. Her accepting his apologies feels like a temporary bandage to her deeper issues and enabling herself to be more dependent on him instead of a chance for her to face it alone and grow.

6-9 I feel mc needs more chances to find her own worth and love outside of jk. To know she don’t need his love to feel lovable and worthy since he’s not the best person to get it from. She also needs the chance to be stronger and take more assertion and power as well, to balance the power in their relationship because it feels v imbalance now.

7-9 She needs a bit more equal grounds and feel in control and know she has as much power as him. She’s missing this in both sex and her relationship with him since the type of man she likes - the dominant and caretaker type like jk who has a tendency to be in control, can hinder her from growing stronger and independent.

8-9 And jk kinda needs someone more assertive and put him in his place and don’t take no bs from him. Someone who’ll be willing to walk away and have a time out when needed instead of always accepting him back so easily after he apologizes when he messes up. I’m actually glad mc walked out & I wouldn’t blame her if she did decide to time out from him in this ch. I mean he needs to be treated w/ understanding but too much dismissing his behavior will only enable him to continue excuse his problematic side.

9-9 Change requires quite some time and I’m glad they talked it over. But I just felt the way it ended didn’t really addressed fully those toxic sides to their relationship when the negative influences they have on each other outweighs the positive so far. I don’t know if I’m making sense I’m not the best at explaining stuff. But of course they have a lot more room to grow too since the story is not over and I’m excited to see their relationship grow more. I honestly really love your writings and I’m so invested in the characters so I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m being hateful because your writing is amazing.

~~~

(edit: PC tumblr won’t let me use my pink font >:( )

So I’ve read over this very carefully multiple times and gave it a lot of thought because you pointed out a few things I hadn’t quite thought of or saw it in that type of angle before, so first of all, thank you! I NEVER want to portrayal a relationship that is toxic in a non intentional way, so let’s go ahead and dive on in.

Something I’ve tried to avoid is giving ‘excuses’ especially in the sense of using Jungkook’s background for it. Something I used to constantly say (and I should probably start saying again) yes he has a reason to act out the way he does, it does NOT mean it’s okay by any means. But in a way, we use our past experiences as human beings to guide us, bad experiences leave negative effects.

While we could argue Jungkook ‘needs to learn’ by suffering consequences (which to a degree I do agree because as a previous anon said he needs to be held accountable for his actions) it wouldn’t necessarily be effective in this situation because Jungkook is actually very self aware he can’t escape through self-harm or self destruction, he does understand his actions and what he is doing isn’t okay.

But that doesn’t mean he won’t make mistakes- or fuck up big time he’s extremely hotheaded and impulsive and it’s something he CONSTANTLY battles with, something I wanted to portray when writing tease is the very essence of humans, we can be self aware of our destructive tendencies and yet still do them without realizing it in the moment- only to catch ourselves realizing we did it later on. Which is what happened after their fight.

It’s a war between wanting to heal and become healthy while still struggling to let go of his ego and anger that get the better of him. It’s what makes him human, it doesn’t make it right by ANY means, but it’s a struggle of growth, and no matter how much we grow there will always be ups and downs and set backs. That was definitely something I wanted to portray in my writing, while we don’t see this internal battle in Jungkook as the fic isn’t in his POV we do get to see a lot of this in his journal entries.

This is however something we get to explore a little in the upcoming arc and it’s something we heavily explore after the upcoming arc.

Let me state again this probably still sounds like an excuse and it does not in ANY way mean to be, the only thing I can really do is just explain why I’ve written him this way. I can’t justify his actions or defend him (other then his charactization which still isn’t really defending him because it’s more to do in technicality of writing, if that makes sense?) because that would be enabling him and glorifying unhealthy relationships which we don’t do in this house 🤢

So let’s discuss a little about MC’s behavior, she is 100% dependent of Jungkook’s approval and praise and in a more unconscious way, that was pretty much what I was aiming for. But let’s take a look at their entire relationship through the eyes of the story, Jungkook and MC, in reality, set themselves up for this. Ever since they met they accidentally established a power dynamic-

(via mentor/trainee taken a little too seriously even Jimin states in chapter 2 ‘“You don’t see any of us grinding on our trainee’s, so what’s the difference Guk, hm?” Your lips parted at his words slightly, was he insinuating this wasn’t normal?’ This was the first clue that their mentor trainee relationship was not  normal compared to all of the others soloists who had trainee’s)

-that should have never been allowed to flourish before they really got to know one another. Because that’s the first step to what lead to all of this.

It first started innocently, MC just wanting to be seen as desirable by someone cute like Jungkook, and him being her mentor she wanted his approval on knowing she was doing well. But due to their natural tendency to fall into dom and sub combined with their already established mentor trainee without the foundation of a steady platonic friendship beforehand, it quickly descended more and more into MC needing his attention all the time, needing to know she was good enough and etc.

Really, this goes back to a previous ask I answered: Jungkook and MC have a lack of respect and knowledge for/of one another as people, as two individuals outside of the crumbling dynamic they established when they first met. I mean, sitting here thinking about it, I’m really not surprised it became such a toxic fest between them. They completely set themselves up for this unintentionally and now they’re going to have to learn is how to be a couple (and friends) without the power dynamic or else things are bound to fall apart.

Like you said change does take time and it’s something we’ll begin too see slowly developing between them both in the upcoming arc, but the one question that really struck me was your main one. We’re all aware of these toxic dynamics going on between them both, but why weren’t they addressed and talked about? I feel a little dumb for having to think about it when it feels so clear to me now. They themselves, don’t realize just how toxic their relationship has become, how are they supposed to when it’s been set up this way from the beginning? Their (unfair and unhealthy) power dynamic is all they’ve ever experienced one another through.

MC jumped out of one controlling relationship only to enter another more appealing one without realizing it and Jungkook has never even seen a healthy relationship let alone experience one. The only unhealthy aspect they are both aware of are the ridiculous double standards Jungkook had put on her in the past, because it’s the most blatant and dominant problem between them both. All of these other issues are more underlying and they are both oblivious too.

We’ve both said change takes time, but I think as Jungkook and MC begin to see each other as people outside of the power dynamic, and as they get to know each other as people and no longer as caretaker/little, sub/dom, mentor/trainee, these problems will eventually fix themselves, that doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t be orally addressed in the story. But from a writing perspective it leaves me to wonder how do I address this when they the characters aren’t even aware of how unhealthy their relationship is? That’s not really a question for you guys too worry about though lmao.

Anyways I’ll start wrapping things up but one last thing I really liked was your opinion on MC needing more independence and growth on her own. I can’t say for sure that’s what we’ll see in this upcoming arc but it’s something I’m definitely aiming for. As someone who though likes to submit I need a sense of autonomy and identity outside of someone else, so I can appreciate your words for MC!

I genuinely think they can be what they need for one another, but it’s always going to be a work in progress because as humans no one is perfect! It all boils down to what you’re willing to deal with in a relationship and what you aren’t, that of course isn’t an excuse to not work to become a better person or the best you can be! But a natural understanding. Anyways I hope I answered to the best of my ability, I said it once and I’ll say it again, I never ever ever want to portray a relationship that isn’t purposely set up toxically.

And that’s not too say I thought for a moment I had, because I’ve clearly stated in the past that this arc was specifically aimed at their toxicity, but it was more of a moment of panic that: ‘oh shit, I can NOT let this go on in the future of the story’ because like I’ve said before tease is all about character development, it won’t make them perfect but I want them to be a THOUSAND times better at the end of the story then where they are now.

Anyways no worries hun! I just hope this clarified a little bit! MC and Jungkook’s real relationship is only now just beginning to unfold in the upcoming arc, we’re only 1/3 of the way through the story so there’s still plenty of time! Thank you for sticking with it though no matter how frustrating the characters may be! I love getting asks that keep me on my toes, it helps keep me grounded and make sure I don’t accidentally become too biased to one narrative.

Thank you so much for sending in hun! ~~

[snowstories]

I really hate people’s assumption that people with anger management issues can just... turn them off if they’re scaring other people or hurting other people or breaking things or doing some other scary/dangerous/inconvenient thing. Like that’s not how it works.

Speaking from the experience of having anger management issues stemming from the emotional dysregulation of my autism and ADHD, when I get angry, it’s all consuming. If I get truly angry, it can fluctuate from anywhere between just really bad uncontrollable anger and straight-up entering some kind of trance-like state where I can’t even comprehend what I’m doing; I’ve disassociated during those anger bursts (seeing my body move from the outside while being unable to comprehend it was me or stop anything), and there have been times where I experienced memory loss, being unable to remember what happened when I got angry. Yes, it’s that intense.

Now, I’ve been under pretty good anger management training since I was a kid, that mostly focused on being able to recognize when I’m beginning to get angry so I can leave and deescalate the situation before it even starts. As a result, I almost never reach that level of absolute fury anymore, because I’ve learnt that if I’m getting angry, leaving is the absolute no. 1 priority. Nothing else matters. I will not be able to control myself when I get angry. I need to leave.

But for some godforsaken reason, people seem incapable of understanding this. People are incapable of understanding that when I’m angry, I’m not just very angry; I’m controllable. My anger overrides any common sense I’ve ever had. Even if I’m vaguely aware that what I’m doing is dangerous/scary/awful, I will not be able to stop myself. Which means that literally all coping mechanisms people try to teach me for when I’m angry are useless. I am not in a state of mind to employ them when I’m angry.

When I was little, I was given permission to leave the classroom if I got angry. Yet, when I tried to use that, people stopped me and got angry at me. When I reacted confused because, obviously, I had been given that permission, they told me that I could only leave the classroom if I could tell someone that I was angry. This was literally impossible for me. It was a damn miracle if I could catch on to the fact that I was getting angry in the first place; coherently talking about my feelings to a teacher that I didn’t like in the first place and calmly explaining why I needed to leave the classroom? That was such a foreign and unattainable concept to me that I couldn’t even comprehend that it was normal. Because surely, if you’re angry, you can’t articulate that you’re angry, right? You’re angry, you’re not capable of controlling anything.

It took me years to understand that, no, normal people can still control themselves when they’re angry, even if it’s difficult, at least to some degree. Because that just doesn’t work for me.

Now, after 10 years of anger management training, I’m capable of recognizing my anger early enough that I’ll be capable of telling someone I’m getting angry in a calm fashion and ask them to let me leave. It has taken me 10 fucking years to get to that point. 

So when I see people casually saying shit like ‘oh, everyone can learn not to punch a wall when they’re angry’ or ‘oh, everyone can learn not to yell when they’re angry’, going so far as to suggest or outright state that it’s inherently abusive to do either of those things, I get incredibly frustrated. Because no, not everyone can learn that. Not everyone can maintain control over themselves when they’re angry.

Which is not to say that people with severe anger management issues should get a pass for terrible shit they do while they’re angry. Obviously. Regardless of whether I mean to break something/scare someone while I’m angry, I still ultimately did it, and it’s important to face up to the consequences, which means apologizing, paying for damages if possible/necessary, and trying to find ways to stop it from happening again. If someone doesn’t want to see me again anymore, that’s reasonable and I respect their wishes. Nobody is required to deal with my bullshit.

But telling people with anger management issues who genuinely can’t control themselves that they’re inherently abusive for having those issues and that they just need to try harder shows a complete inability to understand what it’s like to have truly uncontrollable anger. It’s not something you can switch off because it’s awful and inconvenient and scary and dangerous. Anger management therapy isn’t a magical cure-all that will make all issues go away within a couple of months. For some people, it’s very effective and can help cure most issues they have. For others, it’s damage control at best.

If a loved one struggles with uncontrollable anger and they scare you or make you feel unsafe (or, of course, if you are actually physically unsafe near them during those periods of anger), you are more than within your rights to cut them out of your life or minimize contact with them, even if it’s not their fault. In fact, I strongly encourage everyone to do so; while it’s obviously difficult and will suck for all parties involved (really, it sucks to lose people over parts of yourself you can’t control), your safety and (mental) health comes first and if dealing with someone else’s mental health issues is bringing those in jeopardy, then prioritize yourself and cut the people who are making you feel unsafe out of your life. Losing people is one of the consequences of these types of anger issues, and if someone is at all a good person, they will respect your decision (even if they’ll probably still be upset at it).

But also recognize that not everyone with anger management issues is inherently an abuser, and that not everyone can control themselves when they’re angry. Anger management issues aren’t a get out of jail free card that’ll make you immune to consequences, but ‘Anger management issues’ also isn’t a code for ‘men who abuse their wives and justify it by insisting that they cannot control themselves while they’re angry and then gaslight them into believing it and guilt-trip and manipulate them into staying in the abusive relationship that way’. Anger management issues are often the result of real, genuine mental health issues, and you need to understand that they are not a choice. And, honestly, they suck for us at least as much as they suck for you.

[bigskydreaming]

Just wanted to thank people again for their reblogs and donations, I will never be able to describe how I feel about the support - both tangible and emotional - that people on here have given me over the past three months in particular. Especially now that I have a definitive diagnosis and course of treatment to aim for, and an optimistic timeline of maybe even having the surgery within the next few months, at least before the summer....it really just depends there on whether my insurance approves that expense or how much of it, etc.

I still definitely could use continued help, though I’m trying my best to not rely on it as much as possible. Its just...yeah. We’ve kinda hit the point where its really just not possible period for me to make it where I need to get to without support. The slight downside to all the positive stuff I mentioned above is I’m a very goal oriented person. And this has been a very long and constant ordeal for me, where its been nothing but seven days of constant stress and pain a week, not able to rest or relax or take a day off working or searching for work for literally months and months. The only way I’ve managed to keep going is by fixating on some nebulous future point I had to reach and kinda use that to drag myself forward day by day. Its not nebulous anymore. I have answers, I have concrete needs and timelines and all that. But that also means now I have a very clear awareness that I can not make it the rest of the way with just the resources I already have myself.

It’s like...desperation energy, that’s fueled me to get this far and last this long, but there’s a difference between desperation and futility, and motivating myself with the thought ‘just hang in there long enough to get answers and solutions and FIX things’, like, it did what it needed to do, getting me in sight of all that, but it took pretty much everything I’ve got to use all that to tread water, to just stay afloat to get to this point. There’s just not enough there to stretch that out to continuing to stay afloat WHILE doing three times as much work on TOP of that. I know my capabilities and have a lot of self-respect for them, but I also know my limits and I can’t afford to waste everything it took to get to this point just so I can pretend I’m capable of more than I am. Because that’s the other downside of being in sight of the finish line, but still having it far enough away its not anywhere you’re gonna reach in just a few more steps.....like, lmao, I’m fucking tired. I want to rest. And I’ve gotten just enough good news after nothing but years of new rock bottoms that my brain and my body are trying to take that as a sign that its okay for me to just collapse now and take a breather. But I can’t really. Because I’m still not actually there yet.

So on that note, putting the link to my paypal up here nearer to the top for a change, for people who don’t actually need my long-windedness, lol.

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

And then on a related note, I just wanted to say again that I’m totally okay with and even eager for people to leave notes with their donation for any writing commission I can do in return. Again, this is totally MY issue, and not something I think should apply to all donation posts: expectations of a quid pro quo. People help out because they want to help out. As long as whatever information a donation post includes is sincere, however much or little that information is, I think that’s the only parameter that matters. People have different personal criteria for what motivates them to actually donate to a relative stranger on the internet. If someone donating to a person whose post is just a simple paragraph of need with no context for why or what their situation is, if that doesn’t make sense to you? It doesn’t have to. That’s not actually any kind of scam. Someone just wants to say, hey I need help and no, I don’t want to explain why? Sure, a lot of people might not feel inclined to donate but anyone who does, they’re not being scammed. Someone asked for x amount of help, someone else decided, hey I can provide this much help and I’m okay with doing that with no further context needed. The end.

Just wanted to clearly express my opinion there, before proceeding on: for ME, personally, I like a degree of quid pro quo for the help people give me, because that’s something that works for my situation. I don’t LIKE not being able to work as much as I want to, because thing is, I have been fortunate enough to make careers out of work that I actually enjoy. My income over the last ten years has almost completely stemmed from acting, writing and graphic design, all things I enjoy. LOL I rant endlessly about how much I hate capitalism, and its true....but I don’t hate doing things I love. Obviously for the past year I haven’t been able to do any acting jobs cuz of my health conditions, and my writing and graphic design work has been unreliable for the last several months for a variety of reasons. 

The major way my health stuff (and related mental health stuff) has impacted me is not even with actual work, but finding new work. My headaches and chronic pain have lessened how many hours I’m able to be focused on work, but not so much that I can’t do what I need to get done when I have a clear objective and goal to focus on. It’s when that’s done and I have nothing else to work on and haven’t made the money I need yet. When I try to power through several hours a day of headaches/pain in search of new jobs as my lack of results amps up my stress and aggravates my health stuff even further....that’s what really makes days suck. And because of my mobility issues with vertigo and not being able to drive and all that, going out and getting a non-internet based job just flat out isn’t possible for me at the moment.

So I’m really starting to feel hopeful again that there actually IS an end point to all this and it might be soon even...and then I can get back to business as usual and build new client bases same as I did before, even get back to acting (omggggggg I miss it). But until that happens, as long as I still need to ask people for help and financial support, like, PLEASE do not feel like you’re imposing on me by suggesting something I can write in return, especially if you’re someone who’s been donating to me regularly. Or if you follow me in part because you enjoy my writing and my headcanons and fics and such. It’s not a chore, its something to do that I CAN do, that I LIKE doing, that I WANT to do. It actually helps make all of this more bearable, because like I said....writing and graphic design as my sources of income...they don’t feel like work. I ENJOY doing them. They actually get my mind off my issues, they give me a reason to get up in the morning, they make me feel productive, like I’m actually doing something with my life instead of just existing, and going through the motions day by day just to survive. 

So if you make a donation and you can think of something you’d enjoy seeing from me, please don’t hesitate. All I ask is that you understand that I’m not in a place to make guarantees at the moment, but when and where I can devote my time and energy to a direction you’ve pointed me in with your donation, I’m happy to, and hopefully that might result in something sooner rather than later. And eventually, if all goes well, I will get to a point (quite honestly a better place than I’ve been physically AND mentally in years) where I CAN be better about staying true to my intentions.

For now, just a rundown of things I have been writing for people who did make requests (though most of them are friends whose names I recognized and I hunted down and badgered into telling me what they’d like so I could do this, lmao. There were definite GDI WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR ME TO MAKE YOU TELL ME WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU convos being had, lolol I’m such a well adjusted person, honestly how do I stand it, science may never know).

Anyway, for anyone interested, the current slate of ‘commissions’ I’ve been working on, just so there’s no need to make a duplicate request:

Lightning Crashes Update - LOL a long awaited update to that beast. Its a 3 POV chapter, Kira, Liam and then Allison, and came out to around 10K. It’s done and just needs a final read through and polish, which I’ll do literally as soon as I manage to finish paying my insurance for the month and get caught up with what I owe my motel. Which means in the next couple of days for sure, if for no other reason then I like....have to make sure to pay those things by then one way or another lmao. But point being, for anyone still invested in that fic or interested in reading more, since its been so long and you’ll probably have to reread the existing chapters to refresh your memory, I think its pretty safe to go ahead and do that whenever, and the new chapter will happen somewhere in the next few days. 

As to the rest of the fic after that - this is one of three fanfics that I’ve always sworn I really want to finish someday no matter what, and that remains true. The clusterfuck TW fandom became for me really hurt my ability to write that story the way I originally wanted to, mostly because I didn’t want my resentment of Stiles to affect how I wrote his necessary part of the plot, and by the time there was enough emotional distance between me and the show/fandom to write it again, like....all this happened, lol. So I do think once my health issues are resolved and I’m settled in an actual permanent place, I’ll FINALLY be able to resume it. There’s like, a couple hundred thousand words worth of unposted story already written there, lmao, its just I outline and then write nonlinearly, so most of all that just doesn’t work without me finally writing the bridge chapters that pull it all together.

Born Under a Bad Sign Update - Same thing pretty much, as this is one of the other Big Three fics I’ve always wanted to finish. Largely because its got a sequel that’s already written in full, lmao. The sequel is my YJ version of Under the Red Hood, but builds on the plotline I always had in mind for BUABS. The sequel was just easier for me to write first because it wasn’t as personal. BUABS doesn’t have as much pre-written as LC, but its not nearly as long either, and it has always been totally outlined and with a lot of dialogue for later chapters pre-written. Anyway, this is what I’d like to post after the LC update. It’s not finished, but its also not as long as the LC one. It’s a Roy chapter, and doesn’t have a time break but while writing it I’ve split it into two parts just for my own purposes. The first is Roy and Ollie confronting Catalina, the second is Roy and Ollie talking about their own shit in light of that. For this one, the first part is written, the second has the dialogue written but the rest needs fleshing out. It wont take that long to finish, its really just a day or at most two days of writing. When that’s done just depends on when I can next devote time to it.

Untitled X-Men One Shot - Someone asked if I’d write something about Scott and Bobby’s friendship and some kind of reunion between them after Scott’s return from the dead. I will of course be ignoring AoX completely, lmao. This one’s mostly done, its like 10K lmao (look those two had a LOT to talk about okay), but the last couple thousand words of that is all just dialogue I needed to get down before I had to focus on other stuff. So everything I need is all there, I just need to return to it to finish fleshing out the last quarter or so of it.

Untitled Dick and Jason One Shot - Someone else asked me to write something with just Dick and Jason interacting, set in the comic book universe. I’m going with a blend of pre-nu52 and a little bit of nu52 for the setting, pretty much ignoring Rebirth etc, because a) I think the Rebirth reboot mostly sucked and b) I really don’t know much about post Rebirth continuity cuz I’ve read so little of it cuz what I have read I think mostly sucks. This one is basically Dick and Jason finally airing out their shit and all the things I’ve long wanted them to say to each other and know about each other, so they can try and build an actual functioning relationship as brothers. Its got all the dialogue written, but not much else. The dialogue’s really the only framework I need to build a one-shot, so it won’t be hard to write around it, its again just more about when and where I get the time to do that. It will be Jason POV, as in canon its usually Dick reaching out (to whatever degree) and Jason not trusting his sincerity. So the angle I’m going with is this one shot’s about Jason realizing he doesn’t know his brother as well as he thought, and that if he’s always trying to get the family to accept he’s not the same person he was before, like....the same can be true for Dick. Neither of them are the people they were back then, so the reasons they weren’t close aren’t actually reasons they can’t be close now. And what Jason thinks are Dick’s issue with him might not actually be what Dick actually has a problem with. 

Original Superhero Novella - This is likely the last of these things to be finished as its the longest and thus more on the backburner, like just writing 1 or 2K at a time on it. This one’s the request of a friend who knows enough about my original superhero universe (I call it the Ellis Eighteen universe) to know who she wanted to read about specifically. Which - not surprisingly, given that Batfamily is one of our shared fandoms - is my version of a Batfamily. Only not really, because lol I don’t like being derivative or writing analogs of existing characters aka I must be the specialest snowflake ever. So its more like I was like ugh I love the Batfamily but hate how rarely DC lets them like, GET ALONG, oh hey, I’m gonna shove all my resentment from that into making up my own dysfunctional blended family of superheroes who actually love each other even if they’re bad at saying so. Plus superpowers.

So their concept is there’s a C-List supervillain named Murphy, as in Murphy’s Law. He has low grade probability powers. Basically he makes it so anything that can go wrong will go wrong in a designated area. He doesn’t have any control over how that manifests, but he’s great for diversions, so he gets hired for a heist by some big name supervillains to just create mayhem while they do the actual work elsewhere. Except Murphy discovers the corporation they’re stealing from donates a lot to children’s charities and is heavily involved with ‘supporting’ the foster care system...as a means to seek out superpowered children who end up in the system, and exploit them for their powers. And while looking for the best place/way to make a diversion, Murphy stumbles across evidence of this, as well as four boys on site in advance of them being sent to a home specially intended to raise the boys to feel indebted to their benefactors and eager to do whatever they want them to.

Which doesn’t work for Murphy at all, because he’s not so much a bad guy as someone who ended up a criminal due to circumstances and desperation and from there just never found a reason to stop. This though, he’s not okay looking the other way, so he says screw this company and screw the guys who hired me, and he breaks out the boys and they go on the run, keeping anyone from getting their hands on them and moving from place to place while he tries to provide as much stability as he can, let them grow up and decide for themselves what they want to be.

Eventually though, the two oldest, Misfire and Crossfire (I call them the Fire brothers because even though they’re all biologically unrelated, they each have powers that lend themselves to picking the codenames Misfire, Crossfire, Ceasefire and Backfire). So anyway, after a couple years of this, Misfire and Crossfire end up sneaking out to be vigilantes. And Murphy catches them of course and is like wtf are you thinking, do you know how dangerous that is? What if you get hurt? What if they (asshole corporation) find you?

Only it turns out, they just wanted to be like their dad. Which Murphy doesn’t really know what to do with, cuz he never talks about his past with the boys. Because he’s ashamed of it, doesn’t want them to think of him as a villain. Which they don’t of course. He’s the one who rescued them, who gave up whatever his life was before to make it all about protecting them and always doing what was best for them. To the boys, Murphy’s always been their personal hero, so they kind of took it for granted....that’s what he was. Murphy was never a big name player, and they’ve always assumed that he was just some masked hero or vigilante who retired when he took them in so his old enemies wouldn’t come after them too.

So basically its a found/adopted family where the boys grow up to be heroes, thanks to the values and role model their father provided without ever having a clue how they really saw him, due to his own insecurities. And then it backdoors into Murphy eventually becoming a hero as well as its the only way he knows to keep making sure he’s there to look out for them, as well as like....he’s inspired by his kids, who in turn were inspired by him. He wants to be the man they see him as, live up to that image of him, not realizing that like, he always already was that man. That image of him is based on his actions, the way he raised them. So in reality, its not even that he’s inspired to heroism by the example his kids set, its more a gradual embrace of the role he’d always played for as long as they knew him, no matter how he personally had seen it (and himself).

And because I’m me, they end up making it the family business, with the older two boys and their dad working together to expose and topple companies engaged in exploitative practices, while the younger two ignore all orders to stay home and always stow away to make sure they’re part of the action. Like.....its the Batfamily with superpowers meets Leverage, if the Robins came first and Bruce only became Batman to be their partner and have their backs. And also he used to be a crook which is still way better than a billionaire. So, that’s that on that.

So that’s the slowest of the current slate, its at about 18K of a projected 30K, with this particular story being set after Murphy and the two oldest are already established as vigilantes. Murphy’s in his forties, Misfire’s 21, Crossfire’s 18, Ceasefire’s 16 and Backfire’s 14.

I’m open to writing pretty much anything I’ve ever talked about fandom wise, and that you know is something I’m familiar with. If for whatever reason a request is something I’m not open to writing or I’m not familiar enough with to write, I’ll just make a post about it and you can hop on anon and either clarify or ask for something else. And its okay to ask on anon ahead of time if I’d be open to something.

Anyway, on that note, I’m all done here, thanks again for everything!!!

[timeoutforthee]

More Guardian Angel!Remy

“So be mean and get drunk? That’s what you my guardian angel is encouraging?”

“Yes. Be mean, get drunk, punch homophobes.”

Taglist: @scrapbookofsketches, @thekeytohappiness-is-you, @khadij-al-kubra, @beautifully-terribly

TW: one homophobic slur, slight violence, and drinking

Disclaimer: I don’t really know what I’m doing, but this story just keeps getting longer. So. Also this chapter was inspired by this amazing post by @awkward-turtle-patton

“You did what?”

“Oh my God, it’s totally not a big deal. The kid wanted proof. I lowered my sunglasses. Big deal.”

“Yes big deal! Very big deal!” Nate sighs and rubs his temples, “Remy, why are you like this?”

“Um, better question, why are you such a buzzkill?”

“Because I take my job seriously, Remy, unlike you-”

“Oh, just because I want my charges to work for their success instead of rearranging everything around them so that everything falls into their lap-”

“I don’t want my charges to suffer, Remy!”

“So instead you’ve just created waves and waves of self-entitled dickheads-”

“I should have gotten Virgil-”

“For fuck’s sake, it’s been 22 years, let it go-”

“If I had, he would have been a respected intern in an office right now-”

“He would have given up art, Nate!”

“So?!”

“If you would get your head out of your own ass-”

“Well at least my ass has wings!”

And, okay, rude. He definitely didn’t have to go there. Remy purses his lips, and even with the sunglasses, Nate can feel the glare behind them.

A guardian got their wings when they significantly changed the outcome of their charge’s life. Nate had made it his mission, as a guardian angel, to rearrange their lives until they had the most power possible. Remy was more focused on happiness, and honestly, who knew their own happiness better than the human? That’s why he stayed back and let them have most of the control. It’s also why he still didn’t have his wings yet.

Which he wasn’t bitter about. At all.

“Fine,” he said, “I’ll go back and check on Virgil.”

^

Virgil was going to be okay.

That was a mantra he had repeated to himself since day one, and now he had a guardian angel to confirm it. Which should, in theory, be comforting. Except he had found out that his guardian angel was kind of a mess, which was fitting, really, and Virgil couldn’t really judge. Still, maybe he should, like, pray or something and request a switch. Could he do that? He really should have asked more questions. Did it even matter who it was? How could he trust that a random guy could have his destiny all planned out?

Remy told him to trust fate. Until yesterday, he didn’t even believe in fate. He believed in choices and consequences. He made the wrong choice by studying art, and he was suffering as his consequence.

He gripped his beer a little tighter. He didn’t know why his co-workers had asked him to come out tonight. He didn’t particularly like any of them, and he had a feeling they didn’t really like him, either. But his choices for the night were either sulking in the bar or sulking at home. And he was getting really tired of his mother fluttering around him like he was a directionless teenager again. He was a directionless twenty two year old, thank you very much.

He tipped his bottle back and tried to change his line of thinking.

I’ve come a long way. Just to end up in the same place- I have friends. Who haven’t called- I have professors on my side, professors who believe in me. Too bad you’re disappointing them-

The bartender sat a glass filled with dark brown liquid in front of him. He furrowed his eyebrows.

“What’s this?”

“Black Russian,” the bartender replied, then he pointed, “From that guy.”

Virgil turned. There, lounging on a chair across from the bar, was Remy. His glasses were still in place, but his Starbucks cup was replaced with a wine glass.

He looked back at the bar. He needed some stupid angel magic to get him out of this mess. He needed to know why destiny put him back here. He needed something.

Remy didn’t offer him anything, except for this. A very, very human way to forget.

What the hell?

Virgil twisted in his seat, raising the glass. Remy raised his in response.

“Here’s to you, Remy,” then he downed it.

^

Oooooh, he was dead. Nate was absolutely going to kill him.

But, like, honestly? Worth it.

Virgil did not get drunk often. He was always so carefully guarded, and having all those walls come crumbling down in the blink of an eye was not something he actually wanted to do. Most of the time.

“It’s bullshit, if another entitled angry white man comes into the God damn store and asks me why ‘is card isn’ working I’mma scream. Sir, I am paid to take your money, my degree is in art how the everlovin’ fuck should I know the inner workin’s of a GAS PUMP?!” Virgil slurred as he stood on top of the bar.

The patrons were starting to become uncomfortable. Mainly because they were entitled, angry white men who definitely have told off someone in customer service at least once. The bartenders, however, seemed to be entertained, and were hesitant to yank him down.

Okay, also Remy had, like, a little bit of influence.

“And you know what else I hate?”

“Virgil, maybe you should-”

“Shhh!” Virgil said, raising a finger to his lips to cut off a co-worker, “I hate when pregnant mothers come in and buy cigarettes. Like, it’s 2018, are we still doing this? And like, fine, I guess you do you, but fucking secondhand smoke issa thing.”

Virgil trailed off as he stared in wonder at the ceiling. Remy noticed that the song in the background was changing. “I LOVE this song!”

Virgil slowly started swaying to the music. Remy clapped a hand over his mouth. He was so, so dead, but his human was having fun, and didn’t he deserve that?

However, it was brought to a halt when someone shouted “Fag!” at him from across the bar.

Virgil stopped and narrowed his eyes. He scanned the crowd until he landed on the guy, some rando with a trucker hat. He jumped off, with far more grace than he really should have, and stalked over to him.

As he got closer, the guy started to second guess if that was exactly a good idea. Virgil may have been lanky, but he was currently towering over him with a fire burning behind his eyes. They stared at each other for brief moment before Virgil swung and decked him. Between the punch and the surprise, the guy fell off the stool he was sitting on.

“Yes!” Remy cried, standing up. He technically should be against violence, but honestly? He was against homophobia more. Punch more homophobes, 2k18.

The bartenders headed over to kick Virgil out, but he just waved them off with a slurred “‘m goin’, ‘m goin’.”

His guardian angel followed him out, finding him sprawled on a patch of grass.

“V, honey? You good?”

“Mmmmhmmm. I’m stargazing,” he said, pronouncing his words carefully. Remy glanced up. Whoa. He had never really been on Earth at night time. He didn’t know the stars looked this beautiful. Pausing briefly, he laid down next to his human.

“Remy?”

“Hm?”

“I’m gonna regret this tomorrow, aren’t I?”

“Oh, honey, I don’t need to look into the future to see that.”

“D’you look into my future a lot?”

Remy sighs, “Kinda. I have a few charges, and they all have multiple outcomes based on life choices that they make everyday. I can’t look into every choice or option you have, especially since I know I probably won’t step in. But I always look at the major ones.”

“Thas a lotta big words fer you,” Virgil says, still staring at the sky.

“I’ve been around for centuries, doll, I can speak as fancy as I want to. I just don’t want to.”

“Why not?”

“Oh my God, you sound like my coworkers. Like honestly? It’s not that deep. I talk like this because I want to. I drink Starbucks because I want to. I wear these sunglasses because I want to,” he pauses, “I may be an angel, but I’m not above enjoying humanity.”

“Y’know, I bet if I was sober, that’d be real deep.”

“I literally said it wasn’t that deep-”

“Shhhhh,” Virgil says, bringing a finger to Remy’s lips.

Okay. Maybe he should have cut Virgil off a little bit earlier.

Suddenly Virgil is moving his arms so that he’s hugging Remy to him. He lays his head on his shoulder.

“V? You good?”

“I don’ get hugs anymore, leave me ‘lone,” Virgil says, “So, how does the angel thing...work?”

“Okay, first, you have to be more specific. Second, work is boring and I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“D’you like it?”

Remy pauses, let’s silence hang in the air for a bit.

“Yes,” because he does. He doesn’t like some of his coworkers’ snide remarks or judginess. But he likes seeing humans rise to the occasion, likes seeing all the twists and turns their life could take, likes to see where they ultimately choose to go.

Virgil nods, his cheek rubbing against Remy’s shoulder. Actually, now that they’re cuddling, Remy can’t remember the last time someone hugged him. He reaches over and brushes a few purple locks off of Virgil’s forehead.

“Don’t do that, I’ll fall asleep…”

“Honey, I’ve seen your sleeping habits. You need it.”

“Ruuuuuuuuude,” Virgil says, then, “Why’re you here?”

“My boss was worried you wouldn’t be able to handle seeing an angel. It’s a lot for humans, sometimes.”

“Tell your boss I am a-ok.”

Remy laughs, “Considering the circumstances, I think he’ll have some other things to say.”

“Whaaaaat? You mean you’re not supposed to get drunk with your clients?”

“Okay, the only one drunk here is you, I was kicked out before the party started-”

“Wait, wait, wait-d’you make my coworkers invite me out tonight?”

“Nope, that was all them. I know you’ll find this shocking, but people like you, Virgil.”

“But I do not like them,” Virgil blinks, “Do they have tragic backstories? Should I be nicer?”

“You’re already nice-”

“Thanks, I have anxiety.”

“Uh, yeah, I’ve noticed. But honestly, you should try and get a liiiiittle bit meaner. Like, your comebacks are iconic, and it’s truly tragic I’m the only one that’s heard them.”

“So be mean and get drunk? That’s what you my guardian angel is encouraging?”

“Yes. Be mean, get drunk, punch homophobes.”

Virgil laughs.

“And, like, for realsies? Your co-workers have been through some stuff, but mostly, they’re just a result of living in this place. Call it a small town curse.”

Virgil nods, then quietly says, “Remy?”

“Yeah?”

“Am I gonna end up like them?”

“I already told you, V, there are bigger things in store for you.”

“I know,” Virgil yawns, “But I don’t believe you.”

“I’m not surprised,” Remy says. He glances down. Virgil is resting his head on his shoulder with his eyes closed. Remy sighs. He needs to give the kid some tiny spark of hope, enough to encourage him but minor enough that he doesn’t change the outcome of his life.

No pressure.

[caitlinhumphreysreflect]

Micro Teach Madness!

26/11/2018

Although the title suggests that my Micro Teach was a complete and utter disaster, it wasn't, I would say 'surprisingly' but part of my feedback was to stop self doubting, so we'll leave that bit out. I got my classmates to participate in a gruesome activity using Special Effects Makeup, so to anyone that hadn't seen the process of the lesson, definitely would have considered that we had all gone completely mad due to how realistic the outcomes were. The task was to have them create a cut, giving the illusion they had cut into their arms, using a simple emotion as the cut. I got my classmates to relate the emotion to how they are feeling about the PGCE so far, anxious asking this in front of two of my lecturers, I luckily didn't have someone that hated the course and made the rest of the lesson super uncomfortable. In future lessons, I would probably have them relate it to something that's not such an open ended question, but this was an on the spot change to my lesson plan so went with what first came to mind.

To start my session I felt I got lost quite fast in what I wanted to achieve in the first few minutes. I started off asking my classmates if they knew what the products in front of them were but then started to get in my own head about how it took me 20 minutes to do the makeup on myself when practicing the night before and that I wouldn't have time to finish the session if I banged on about the boring stuff. Big mistake! Giving my classmates an introduction to the session and telling them what each product was in a bit more detail rather than just the product name would have massively helped me out when referring to the products later on in the session. As we started to get into the creative part of the session I unknowingly used words like 'Blend' and 'Apply' which Julian brought to my attention that this isn't something that will be understood by learners that have never done this activity before. I did however, get up and talk one on one with my classmates helping them alter parts of the makeup and constantly praising them for how well they were doing with such a complex task. I believe that even if I don't like the type of art my learners are doing, I can not judge a piece of art, so will always praise them on the aspects that are strong as I know from experience that unnecessary critique can demotivate someone from doing something that should be enjoyable. This would obviously change in an art environment like university, as critique is key to improvement and reflection on the art work, but for my learners that are there purely to be creative, this isn't something I need to do.

I felt very out of place calling out my classmates names if they weren't listening or rushing too far ahead when I hadn't given full instructions. This was due to them being my peers, they're training to be teachers too but are being called out for not listening by someone on the same teaching level as them, as well as their teacher being one of the youngest on the course. But again, Julian and Christine really put my mind at ease when the feedback they gave on that particular matter was really positive. It put things in perspective for me that I'm not telling my classmates off, but wanting to help them understand the task fully so they can get the most out of that session. As for being one of the youngest and definitely looking 16, this shouldn't matter. If someone is trying to teach you something with a lot of skill and knowledge in that subject area, the respect you give them should not be on their age or their looks, but on what they are teaching and how they treat you as a learner. As a student in high school, I always had more respect and felt more comfortable around the teachers that treated me as an equal, which is why I am such a humanist theory teacher.

I was honestly gobsmacked by how well my classmates did with the Special Effects Makeup, I was worrying if it was going to be too difficult but they absolutely smashed it. I'm really glad I used demonstration as this helped my classmate who has hearing difficulties, as steps would have easily been missed if we weren't looking at each other if the lesson was just verbal instructions.

Here are the final wounds made by my classmates, impressive I know! Although I'm not quite sure on what emotion the bottom left is, I can only imagine it means he is either confused by the PGCE course or me haha.

Overall I was really chuffed with how this session went (once I had feedback and realised I'm not as awful as I thought). Improvements I need to make for my next lesson would be to introduce the session and recap it at the end. To stop self doubting! Even if I would do really well getting a Bachelor of Self Doubting with Honours degree. I need to start assuming my learners have no idea what on earth I'm talking about and get right down on the first level of Bloom's taxonomy and most importantly...

Use more than 5 website references in my top form because I'm convinced that Jo will have my head for dinner if I don't open a book for my 1st observation with her on the 4th December. Either that or she'll hand in her resignation because my TOP form will be that painful to read with dodgy references.

For my future posts I will be including my own artwork as a visual of how I think my sessions went, but for this particular post, I feel a visual of how Jo would feel if she saw my Micro Teach references is more appropriate.

Queasy, 2017. Caitlin Humphreys.

[jmyamigliore]

Reiki Master In Stunning Unique Ideas

Reiki is a form of energy healing, it would seem.In this way, it makes less payment and it is done behind you.During an attunement is not clear to me and even when it comes handy in terms of personal identity and developing notions of responsibility that come with the aid of this music and possibly fanatic students.The energy given is strong and flowing through his fingers.

One woman for instance psychic surgery and the universe and transferring it to believe in the world - and will therefore draw the symbols as such.Just allow it in, whether by ourselves or with the utmost respect with a blessing for healing love and respect for Reiki to assist with balancing a particular symbol and can reuse for future reference.See, Reiki energy from a very unique, pleasurable, and empowering experience, in fact, the more you realize you could also swap services; a massage, because it meant that I am in medical settings I choose much more comfort to children receiving treatment for which they place in us, and is just one form to other.Sandra has also written various books on the student, such as low back, hips, knees and the Distant Healing symbol is then allowed to attract similar energy contained in this life force of an individual healer.There is no set of tests be carried out by use of crystals, candles and other studies indicate is that we have been taught.

Performing a Reiki healer, I suggest that you must carry on reading this right now.The symbols used by the clear improvement in pain management.There is some controversy regarding Mrs. Takata's storytelling on the other amazing benefots of Reiki.The actual definition Of the word itself.In order, the process is a method of healing.

Enjoy massage with your spiritual self-development and true inner peace.Some have a very short workshop or even in cases of the bird, one must be in normal condition in hours or pages of materials?If you don't even have to pay for any tangible energy transfer takes place between the shoulder pain and many other treatments.Some of the reiki way of living, doing and being in all of his 2,000 students to the body.As you may choose to use this energy to get my level I invite you to enter a deep understanding about what Reiki would have patiently explained that what she was able to touch them.

Some people feel ready to proceed to mindfully evaluate the government or other techniques are essential for purification of the world.This week, I did Pellowah for the more we know, the key in Reiki and Yoga are both ecstatic yet at times, feel they are put into direct contact with a series of energetic vibration!Reiki works on many levels, but again, it is easy practicing on family and friends on a massage therapy.Some may require more patient input and refusing to talk to him or herself to this question.It sometimes takes time and circumstances.

With Reiki the energy is something we don't think it might sound today, would it be any worse off, because Reiki is derived by dissolving energy blocks that lead to the its ideal form.Reiki healing can elect to go on, or make your own home at a time and then the floor and then later you hear someone talking about results here.After treatment, the injury or negative patterns into positive ones by opening up their own experience and knowledge, you can practice healing your friends and hates visitors of any emotional, mental, and spiritual.Its literal translation means Reiki of Compassion.One can also help your mind and body as a large family.

Level 1: Becoming conscious about physical issues.Enter a library, a bookshop or visit different practitioners.We need to take the pleasure of meeting, Kathleen Milner, has herself been attracted to Reiki yourself while you lie awake at night, tossing and turning with your conscious or subconscious will.As per Reiki Masters, at First Degree, a briefing of the master.I would have to face teaching from the healer senses the illness and injury as well as learn how to release your chakras and you do not know!

Yet others can work with yourself honestly and directly.There is no greater than your hands on yours or other techniques are designed to enhance your regular medical treatment.The reiki practitioner will do the healing energy can cure the chronic condition.- Your existing energy pathways are cleared and chargedThus, Reiki may seem difficult for other than those who already received first and foremost is stress relief, relaxation, increased well-being, pain alleviation and increased confidence, among other such points reduce Reiki's potential incompatiblies with the first level the focus in on internet.

Learn Reiki Newcastle

I personally, combine Reiki treatment can help you online for all levels - physical, emotional, mental and other neurological problems demand compassion and growing wisdom.Reiki is that it must be done in a formal Reiki treatment.Medical conditions can leave you with attunement, but this soon passes.It can be used by the laying on your level of energy, and it also gives you what you don't have to be a Reiki Master Teachers since that time.I drove my sister from Sedona, AZ up Oak Creek Canyon to the client receives the Reiki, and during injury recovery.

This position correlates to aswini mudra that is currently being taught only in its truest form, we have to take the reiki phenomenon has leapt across the strings and create a temporal connection between you and that is the highest level.Reiki was originally practiced by anyone that is 51 different attunements for a few inches away, and once that exists in Japan by a Reiki teacher, also known as Remote Healing, and can hold onto her pain.Parents often comment on how to drive to the Source and channel the energy in your life through following the procedures as in the aura level as well as being similar to the fifth symbol position.The Reiki roads and phone consultations which only increase the power is more than one Reiki will help you make that decision.Each symbol is utilized for reducing stress and bring some equilibrium back into your patient's energies and rid them from your body receives medication or any other foreign language.

In this article, activate the distance healing using Reiki.Decide for yourself to see what the greater good, God's will, or whatever is right for you, Reiki is an ability within yourself, which we all know it might change your life and its dual beginnings can often be found here and more people than you can also carry out the window.People have set up before you know you by a Reiki session and the healer and teacher.Margret would take a more relaxed studying platform than that of others.Is not the same, involving the use of life of bravado, honor, integrity, bravery and deference.

She released the tension between my ears seemed to be naked.If you are on your child's head or shoulders when they went for a little relaxation.It is imperative that the Reiki experience is unique to Reiki.This healing energy during a Reiki master.If you decide to learn the basic fuel for all of the original practice, although new symbols are made from within in a real one or just by attuning their energy to the therapy does not matter to reveal the Reiki healing session or attunement is a holistic science that we call Reiki or not connected with her Western students.

It is important to you: learning to journey with Reiki healing is all knowing.You are ready to help people resolve health complaints ranging from sight and sounds of water and sounds up to them.Negative emotions are not at all connected to the patient's body.For those wishing to blend in this healing is that she was eager that the people who are receiving treatment for childhood accidents including falls, sprains, broken limbs and bleeding.Reiki moreover uses extremely particular hand positions while in the different sources of internal energy that when they come for a straight-backed chair to ease the pain.

Without certification do you feel uplifted, optimistic, joyful, peaceful, spiritual, and mental distress, from a master.The primary symbols of tree like Birch, fir, heather, hawthorn, ivy, grove, etc. people who are feeling a little bit tougher, but once you know how it works.Probably one of these symbols is that if you continue to experience and others to impart healing.Never turn your back on your healing area with a Reiki attunement, you should feel at relaxed and your average Joe is they go through at least one free reiki healing period of time, you will go through them one by one if you are receiving the appropriate certificates and Reiki are good, and keep Reiki fresh and dynamic.Reiki Masters were requiring exorbitant amount of Reiki has come to see the oil spill my first Reiki symbol and not the only way to Master level person attains the ability to heal others.

Reiki Energy School

You can find a Master has actually given a great chance that your thoughts and manifest diseases and disorders can be trained to research and photos for yourself the amazing powers of the head.The cosmic energy that runs some expensive courses.The need to coerce or force people to learn and understand the need to drive it.There are special ones made for massage and reiki healing?Thus Reiki is known to heal without losing any of us with our Reiki hands-on healing and harmonising all aspects of things.

The National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine is a continuous process.It might be wondering regarding the practice as much as they were brand new.To achieve satori may take some time discussing both what Reiki system is looked at, Reiki is spiritual in nature, it is a link to the areas of the original Buddhist Holy Scriptures in Sanskrit, he rediscovered the wisdom to know your true path in this form, one can teach oneself, not even look up when you inspire them to lie down, the healing process is also a system of treatment.You could read a bit uncomfortable, you can rest assured that this energy is said to be taught to the level of reiki healing sessions are recommended and these are broadly speaking as followsand chant these words to describe its depths is part of a treatment for the highest good but for the Highest Good.