#i had wanted to do ed but ill probably do them at a different time bc im still figyring out my ed hcs | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cookinguptales · 1 year

Text

frank discussion of gynecological issues and frustrations with OBGYNs (especially re: chronic illness) under the cut, but I guess also potentially useful information for people who want to hear about it

so... some of you might remember when I was going to OGBYNs a little while ago. I have endometriosis and PMDD diagnoses, so going to OBGYNs isn't exactly unusual for me, but I ended up going to see more than I usually do.

this was largely because the hormonal therapy that I was taking for those disorders was starting to fail and I was bleeding a lot. like... for weeks at a time over a period of months. I had to deal with some... frustrating OBGYN advice in this time (such as the rage-inducing "well, women have to bleed") but I also discovered that like... I mean, I think I always knew that I had more vaginal pain than other people I know, but a lot of things hurt me so I just kind of... ignored it?

but they tried to put me on the nuva ring for a little while during this period and my body just... straight-up rejected it. it hurt like a bitch to put in, it kept coming out, I could feel it in there and it hurt, etc.

I ended up comparing notes with some other people I know and realized that my problems with insertion were probably more severe than I'd thought. like, it is not unusual for me to cry during pap smears and have cramping for days afterward. I cannot use tampons without massive pain. your body is not really supposed to physically expel something like a nuva ring several times a day. tmi I guess but I have not found penetration of any kind pleasant.

so I talked to... I want to say four or five different OBGYNs in this period, and none of them gave me a real reason for this. the prevailing attitude was mostly "oh yeah, that happens sometimes. lmao."

the best I could get was a diagnosis of "vaginismus" on my chart, and when I pressed for more information, they basically told me it was a psychological thing where your body is afraid of penetration so it clenches up and won't unclench. they literally grilled me on my history of sexual abuse to see if they could find the source of my dick phobia.

now... not to get too into it, but I do have a history of CSA -- but my pain problems predate it. I got my period relatively early and I've never been able to use tampons or anything like them. every time I've tried has ended in literal tears. again, cramping pain for days, even after the period itself has stopped.

so I get the dick phobia diagnosis from two different doctors, but one of them says she can do a transvaginal ultrasound if I'm really worried. we do this and it is uh. excruciating, honestly. thank god it was in California and they let me get high as a kite.

in the end, they can't find anything "physically" wrong with why I'm in pain and they send me on my way, dick phobia dx in hand.

today. today. YEARS later. I am googling tips on how to try a menstrual cup if you have vaginismus (prep for the trip abroad; I don't like Japanese pads) and I see someone saying "oh, I'm glad that treatment worked for you, my problems are because of ehlers-danlos syndrome."

you know, one of the chronic illnesses I have and one that I divulged to every OBGYN I saw.

what.

paging Dr. Google!!!

I come to find out that folks that have EDS, because of their connective tissue issues and extremely brittle skin, sometimes deal with extreme gynecological pain. it's partially pelvic floor issues, partially the fact that the skin in your vagina is breaking.

so all those times that I said "it feels like it's cutting me" or "it feels like knives" were probably because it was fucking cutting me. all those times I said I felt scraped raw for days was probably because abrasions take a long time to heal when you have EDS.

I cannot believe. I cannot believe. that I went into so many different OBGYNs who told me that my pain issues were because I had a psychological fear of dicks and when I told them I was a lesbian were like "oh well then problem solved" when actually my body was physically tearing. I had even seen blood sometimes and it had always been dismissed as spotting.

the anger I feel rn is indescribable, tbh. I never bought that my problems were all in my head (probably because doctors used that line on me so often when I was a kid and getting other chronic illnesses diagnosed) but the fact that gynecological health science is still so fucking awful that we shrug off pain that is the symptom of dangerous chronic illnesses as "well that happens sometimes" or "have you considered that maybe you're afraid of sex?"

I JUST

this reminds me of when I had to find out from a fucking tumblr post that vaginal secretions are made from blood rather than glands, so if you have bad blood pressure/flow it'll often cause itchiness/dryness/pain. bad blood flow like... idk... maybe POTS.

so again, it was actually one of my known chronic illnesses causing gynecological issues, not any of the other bullshit reasons doctors were giving me, like age or stress.

I hate that I'm fucking 33 years old and I still have to learn stuff like this from google searches. I still don't know how my shitty body works, and it's largely because of stuff like this. what the fuck. I'm so mad. why do doctors still treat vaginas like a fucking scary mystery?

I'm well aware that Dr. Google doesn't always know what the fuck it's talking about, but apparently neither do my doctors! which is why, yet again, I'm up all night reading medical journals in the vain attempt to figure out how to actually live my life!

ugh!!!

#also the idea that vaginal pain only matters bc of sex and potentially deadly gynecological issues only matter bc of fertility #like your organs are only useful for sex or babies #and just not wanting to fucking hurt in daily life doesn't actually matter #makes me feel like my body is only useful when it can be used by others #hate that!#cw:#gynecology #ehlers danlos syndrome #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #ask to tag ig

67 notes · View notes

chair-lie · 5 days

Text

My therian introduction!

[from a cat therian// calico,grey tabby(mix)// some type of canine? ]

My experience

Ever since I was little, I behaved like a cat, loved to act like one. I used (still do) to walk around extra quietly, drink water cat style (even tho my mom hated it and told me to stop) and drawn towards scratching and biting when fighting with other kids/my lil bro.

{{I do also have some pack experiences and I do have a very special connection to water, so Im might be more than just cat type, even tho Id say it is my ‚main‘ one.}}

These behaviors had the effect that my parents call(ed) me cat-like a lot, but I never really thought abt it. But when I got into the tk community, I also got into the furry and therian community somehow, but then I thought that if itd be a therian, Id probably just choose a theriotype [cat] ans would be faking it. A few months ago, I got into severe contact with the whole topic, and got me thinking. Long story short, here I am.

Shifts

Since social media portrays shift in basically only one way (very extreme; its almost like the person is a completely different being) I long thought I dont experience shifts. I do, but not that extreme.

My shifts are normally about instinctive and phantom limbs. I tend to observe more and get more anxious around humans (only the ones I dont know or if its not a safe environment), same as getting the urge to hiss, meow (:3) or scratch stuff, if Im in a fight even bite. (I do not do these//Im not hurting ppl in rl normally… my bros an exception 🥰)

As for the phantom limbs, I just feel like they would be behaving like the ones of a real cat when it would be in that situation. (I also often waggle my feet how my tail would waggle and ik it sound weird as hell but I can not really control it)

Also: I still surpress A LOT, since that all still feels new to me, and Ik many ppl dont understand. I hope itll get better, Im getting to know my therian side a lot rn and I do enjoy it a lot.

Quadrobics

I normally dont do quadrobics (because of the bugs and ticks… aswell as I dont know where to go, I have a field right before my house, but the street there is very lively) but I think theyre very fun! Im just kinda bad at them lol💀

Gear

I do like gear a lot! Im just kinda insecure with masks, because I look like Im dressing up, but Im not. I think it will get better over time (wven tho you cant breath with them in summer bro)

With the tails, I lovee them but I dont have one yet. I did a lot of research and spent hours with that topic, and didnt want to buy from amazon. Etsy is kinda complicated for me, since Im not super familiar with it, but yk. One of my wonderful friends want to gift me one tho (super grateful, thanks <33) so Ill update!

That was kind of a therian introduction? Was kinda random lolz

If you want, reblog and do yours! Would love to see it :P

10 notes · View notes

abby-the-druid · 2 months

Text

Sex ed 3

ao3

fanfiction

When Sasuke stomped back into their small camp, dragging along a felled tree -that he probably shouldn’t have been physically able to move- to add to the ever-growing pile of sticks, kindling, and logs Kakashi looked up at him and smiled behind his mask.

“Sasuke,” Kakashi said softly as the boy’s dark eyes snapped onto him with clear rage burning in his irises. “I think that’s enough wood for the fire.” He waved his hand at the pile Sasuke had been stocking angrily sinceNaruto went after an obviously injured Sakura. He paused his glowering at his sensei long enough to note that the pile of wood nearly reached to his chest, and had he been in a different headspace, he might even have smirked at it.

But he wasn't in a different headspace, and being a boy who needed to do something while he waited impatiently for the teammate he maybe kind of didn’t but probably did have a crush on he simply drug the tree a few steps closer to his ridiculously large pile. At that moment, when he was formulating a snide remark to make to Kakashi, Sakura and Naruto walked back into camp.

“About damn time,” he grumbled at them, dropping the tree and crossing his arms. His dark eyes glared at his teammates, and then at his teacher, and then down at the fire Kakashi had made with the first bits of kindling Sasuke had brought back.

“Welcome you two,” Kakashi said supportively. “You’re just in time, the meal is ready.” His eye crinkled in a smile as he passed a crispy fish stick to each of his students.

Sakura was no longer crying, which Kakashi was immensely grateful for, and Sasuke was utterly confused about. When the blond boy grinned at the fish offered to him and plopped unceremoniously onto the ground to start stuffing his face, Sakura tentatively took hers and gingerly sat down on the ground closest to Naruto. It was probably the closest anyone had ever seen Sakura sit to Naruto, which Kakashi instantly noted wasn’t in the same manner that she normally reserved for Sasuke, but Sasuke didn’t seem to realize that if the murderous glares he kept flashing Naruto’s way were anything to go by.

Sasuke noticed, between irritated bites of fish and glaring at the blond, that Sakura had changed into one of her other qipao dresses, which made his eyes narrow with uncertainty of her illness. Her eyes were downcast and puffy, nose sniffly as she weakly nibbled the food. Naruto happily munched away and chattered kindly to Kakashi about his father wanting him to visit sometime. He was either unabashedly ignoring the homicidal energy rolling off of Sasuke or he was totally clueless of its existence. If Kakashi had to guess, it would have been the later. The team leader watched his students coexist, and had to remind himself a few times not to crack a smile or chuckle at the social dynamics at play.

When it was time to finally settle down to rest, and the group were laying out their sleeping bags, Kakashi’s brow rose when Sasuke shifted the position of his sleeping bag so that his head, rather than his feet, would be positioned towards Sakura’s head. The boy glared around the clearing and Kakashi had managed to not give away that he obviously saw the adjustment. Sakura was finally interacting with them again, though in a subdued and exhausted manner. Kakashi took the first watch, with Sasuke, Naruto, then Sakura following through until morning.

Kakashi, who was really not worried about any interruption in their mission -it was a D-rank mission that just happened to take them barely outside of the borders of Konoha- read his book as his hours passed mostly uneventfully. The only potential issue was the soft cries that came out of Sakura’s sleeping bag, but before he had a chance to investigate, he heard Sasuke quietly wake her.

“Sakura,” he said gently, groggy with only two hours of sleep. He laid on his belly to look at her and poked at her head. “Hey,” he yawned and prodded her carefully again.

“Sasuke-kun?” glassy green eyes looked up to him, before readjusting her position to face him.

“You were whimpering.” He whispered, rubbing at his eyes.

This was Sakura’s favorite part of missions. Seeing her teammates in their in between states, the moments teetering between complete vulnerability and complete control. The way that Sasuke yawned again made her heart flutter.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was doing that,” she turned as pink as her hair. “Thank you for letting me know. I’ll stop.” She moved to nestle back into her bag, but he carefully tugged on a piece of her hair.

“I wasn’t saying so to make you feel bad.” He said it evenly, black eyes growing more focused as he woke up. “I wanted to ask if you are alright.”

Her heart lunged into the back of her throat, and briefly she wondered if she was still sleeping. “I-I…” he looked at her intensely, like nothing else mattered except that she was in fact, alright. “I’m in pain.” She decided to be honest with him.

“Oh.”

“But I’m alright, Naruto’s mother packed an emergency kit for me in case this happened.”

Sasuke’s brows pinched together, in irritation at the way she said Naruto’s name, like he was some dependable someone to her now, before he folded into confusion. “Why would she expect this to happen?”

Sakura’s mouth fell into an oh shape. “Um,” she tried to think back to that extremely awkward day at the Academy and couldn’t remember if Sasuke had been there that day. “It’s a, uh, girl thing?” she offered weakly. And when his black brows stayed poised in confusion, clearly waiting for her to further clarify what was a girl’s thing, she simply said: “Maybe you’ll just want to ask your mom about it when you get home.”

Sasuke scowled. “I’m not sure why I would talk to my mother about you being ill.”

The girl had to stop herself from laughing at the petulant way he was looking at her. “I think she’ll maybe clear things up for you more than I can.” She offered.

“But-”

“Oh, good Sasuke, you’re already awake.” Kakashi stepped closer to his genin, effectively ending the conversation on Sakura’s behalf. “It’s your turn to take watch.”

The boy sighed, seemingly resigning himself to not get an answer from anyone on his team about Sakura’s condition. And muttering about it as such, he stalked away to take his turn on watch.

“You okay Sakura-chan?” Kakashi asked gently, patting her head with a warm hand. She nodded, strangely comforted by the enigma that was her teacher, before his eye crinkled at her and she felt herself drifting off to sleep.

#naruto #sakura haruno #sasuke uchiha #sasusaku #sasuke x sakura #my beloved #my boy #otp #fanfic #my art #fanfiction #ao3 #ao3 fanfic

14 notes · View notes

youdrewstarsxaroundmyscars · 9 months

Text

Alright yall. I need help. Come sit. Be my therapist for a second. Have some hot cocoa even. We're gonna be here a while. <3

I am afab. Very average, very feminine presenting. Joining the marauders fandom and getting more into lgbtq+ side of media and things has made me question my gender identity a bit, and I don't know what to do. I say all the time "I wish I was a boy but only a pretty boy" in the sense that GOD do i wanna be a pretty boy like all the cosplayers and fancasts and fanart and fuckin book descriptions I see of these characters. I'll jokingly tell my friends if I knew and was promised that I could look like THAT ONE tiktoker if i transitioned, I would do it. But I don't know if that's fully 100% true.

I'm contemplating getting a binder. I think the only reason I've put it off for as long as I have is I don't know my own measurements and I don't own a tape measure. It would be super easy to get one, and it makes me wonder why i'm putting it off so bad. I have pretty big boobs for my body size, at least, that's what my friends say. Genetics-wise, all my sisters have bigger boobs and my mother's even gotten a reduction because of it. I've been contemplating that too.

I don't know if I want them gone, but I get such a gross disgusting feeling in my chest if i'm out and about and they're more visible with my clothing. If I were to wear a tight tank top under a hoodie instead of a bra and I go out in public it's like the nerve endings in my chest start doing something and it's so uncomfortable I feel like everyone is staring at them and I feel like I'm doing something wrong just for existing. just for being a woman with female body parts. Is that body dysmorphia? I'm not sure really, i think it started when I would attend church. I felt like every man in the room was staring at me and could notice them, even if i was sitting in the furthest back row and they were all looking forwards. I don't know. Maybe that's just religious trauma for another day.

I want clothes to fit me the way they fit men. I want to love a boy the way a boy loves a boy. I want the hands and the flat chest and the shoulders and the collar bones and the adam's apple and the stomach and the short swoops hair and the jawline. A Pretty boy. You know.

I think everyone desires to be attractive, and when there's so many variables with transitioning, you essentially roll the dice and hope you get a good deal. And I am insecure, and as shallow as it sounds, I would be afraid to be uglier than I am. Lemme tell ya, I haven't seen very attractive ginger men that's for sure. (you may attempt to change my mind if you so desire but if ANY of yall say ed sheeran ill cry cause no)

But some days, I feel alright with my face, with femininity. And I feel like I made up the desire to be a boy. I look in the mirror and think "you're pretty. you look fine, you even look pretty good. Why did you ever want to change that?" Then I'll scroll through tiktok or read a fanfic or see fuckin starchaser fanart that makes me rethink it all over and over again like an endless cycle. And I don't know what to do.

I don't look androgynous. I wish i looked androgynous. Maybe that'd be easier to figure it out. I know some of you are probably gonna say "just experiment with some things. try some different clothes or makeup" and I would if that was something I could easily do.

I never learned how to do makeup. No one ever taught me and I was scared to ask my mom for mascara even though I was in high school. My sisters were great at makeup, and hair, and fashion. All the things people tend to expect girls to be good at. They never taught me. They had moved out by the time I was old enough to start shaving my legs for the first time. Any time I do try something it doesn't match my face, or my hair color, or my skin tone and it doesn't look right and I just get lost.

I don't know how to do my hair, and I don't have anything to do my hair with except for a hairbrush and some ponytails, but my last haircut kinda fucked up and i have these side bangs that are chunky and i don't know how to fix them.

I think I have an alright sense of fashion, but in the way that I see things on my pinterest board and think "that outfit. I want that outfit" but individual pieces?? I wouldn't even know where to start. I like going thrift shopping but lately everything around me has been terribly expensive so I haven't even bothered. Plus it's not really fun going alone. And when I do get to a thrift store it's all...not good stuff?? If that makes sense. I never understand how people are so good at thrift shopping cause I can rarely find anything that matches and if it does match it's either too big or too small.

I just. I don't girl the way i'm supposed to. And I don't boy the way I want to. I don't even gay the way I want to gay. (in the sense that I really do look like a straight white girl. I wish I didnt. damn do i want to be a regulus black variant. can't even do that with my hair)

And even with pronouns. I don't like they/them for me. I look and act like a she/her so that one makes sense, and I've never really clicked with he/him. Maybe cause I don't feel like I look the part so it makes no sense to use it. All of my friends are long distance, and we only ever talk TO eachother so it's not like I'd ever hear it in practice to test it out. I don't know.

Maybe it's just my insecurities throwing all this around. Maybe i've been bullied or mocked or judged one too many times that now I don't even want to be perceived at all. I hate being perceived. Being noticed by random people quite possibly judging every move I make is horrifying. Add that to not enjoying being alone, well. Whoops.

So I don't know. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't make sense of any of it and I'm terrified of fucking something up. I know I shouldn't be. I know it's okay to experiment and see what fits me and what doesn't. Hair grows back, clothing styles change, even the sizes change. Bruises and scars heal, it's ok to fall down. I just..I feel like I can't let myself do any of it. I don't know why. Maybe a punishment of some kind. Not allowing myself to figure out who I am.

Maybe I'm so used to being what I'm not that it's become an unconscious thing I can't let go of. Just trapped in a bubble I didn't even realize I had been forced into until it was too late maybe. I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know where to start, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to do any of it and I just wanted to to be stopped. I want to be at the ends of this stupid long road and for it to be fixed.

I want it to go away.

(This kind of turned into a rant but if anyone has any advice I'd greatly appreciate it <3 happy new year btw!! heard some hella tea from my neighbors while writing this and that was very entertaining)

21 notes · View notes

yappinggggg · 5 months

Text

Wanted to share my thoughts on who everything did stuff wrong and why :>

(I havent finished the novel just yet so there might be some errors)

Also: Spoiler warning

The count and countness:

Their intentions were right but what they did wasn't really right. I mean- i understand completely that they didnt want harm Deon and all... but come on- Deon didnt even know about any of that. They could have sat him down- or written him a letter- and explain why they treated him differently than Cruel. Or maybe shown that they cared in a bit more obvious way? Of course no parent is perfect but i think they really messed it up while they could have still saved Deon somewhat

Duke Illuster:

This man is unfixable. What he did was so- idk how to put it into words. His greed alone was the reason Deon even got involved with the demon king, emperor and the war. Dude could have done something else but he seems to desperately want some powers fast. He should be tortured the same way Deon was - he should feel what its like to be in Deons position. (He wouldnt feel it exactly like Deon but somehow grasp it)

Next on to Nemeseus:

I really dislike him and ill explain why.

First of all: he simply blamed poor Deon for giving himself a split personality- like dude? He was a CHILD- what did u expect? He wanted to live and that was the only way he managed to survive!

Second: he only tried stepping in to check up on Deon when it was too late- u saw him the whole time. U witnessed what he saw and did on the battlefield- and u feel that u have the right to judge Deon?

Third: he called a broken child a monster(i mean Deon here)- what did this man expect Deon to do? He wanted to live- can u blame him for choosing this?

Emperor:

I think what showed the most how f***ed up this man is is that he killed all his siblings because of something he didnt even verify if that was true. He had the ability to do that- even if he was mad and blinded by emotions at the time- there was a better way.

Theres also the part where he actively manipulates Deon and gaslights him but i dont think i need to say much to this- we all saw what he did :>

The princess and prince:(yes,they get included)

The fact that they decided to just accept what their uncle did and forgive him is pretty messed up, if u ask me. Sure- family is family, but come on guys. He killed ur parents even when he didnt know if he was right fully killing them.

And they decided to just- help him with his plans? Support the things he did to Deon?

Not only support: they actively tried hard themselves to manipulate Deon

Of course: they are still young and so on but i think they could certainly have made a better decsion.

But i cant really blame them for choosing to stay and support their uncle- afterall they only had him and themselves. They also probably wouldnt have lasted long either if they hadnt accepted their uncles offer. Their chances of living a good life would literally drop down so much

Demon king (cant leave our toxic king out of this):

This man is a demon so he obviously is known to be cruel and so on.

Also since he had lived for for a thousand years so he is obviously bored to death- and he doesnt care about life anyway so why would he start caring for Deon? And why would he care about the fact that he ruined Deons life?(at least took part in it)

Edit: adding to the dk

So i found out that he actually cared for Deon....

Like what :D THATS NOT HOW U TREAT THE PERSON U LIKE but he was nice to Deon most of the time so he may get forgiven (lmao)

[Sorry,i dont know much about the demon king right now so i cant say much about him ):>]

#im not that kind of talent #intkot #im not that kind of talent manhwa #just me yapping #yapping

7 notes · View notes

scordoesart · 1 year

Text

Season 2 is right around the corner but here’s an au

Picking up from the end of season 1, Stede and the part of his crew that was marooned are sailing around trying to catch up with the revenge, but are ill-supplied to be doing so both due to the small size of the boat on the open ocean and that Stede didn’t seem to have much in ways of supplied with him when he left Barbados. I don’t think the marooned crew would consider Stede as their captain at this time (given that he abandoned them to the kraken!Ed). Stede would probably be avoidant in talking about where he’s been (in the “rules for thee but not for me” way he operates) other than he’s back to stay, has no money, and only what little experience he’s had in his brief time sailing as skills. They wouldn’t abandon Stede though, seeing him as maybe the only person who could fix this mess. Stede and his bunch get picked up by another ship who, turns out, is also looking for the Revenge. This ship is either operated or in the command of Bellamy (though he’s using a different name these days because he’s supposed to be dead). When Stede introduces himself, he’s somewhat met with “a pirate captain without a ship and that wasn’t mutinied upon?” questioning (some amusement there on Bellamy’s behalf), and Olu or all of the marooned people explains to their understanding what happened on the Revenge while Stede was gone to the best of their ability. The tale of the Revenge’s crew’s current state was left in just drives them both to want to find it even more. (A good chunk of this story is tracking down information to find the Revenge, which fortunately, Bellamy still has information sources in spades. Sometimes things just happen on the sea. Maybe they run into Jack again?). Bellamy may or may not be a less than open about who he’s chasing after on the Revenge (haven’t decided, or maybe it’s something that eventually comes out but isn’t said directly at first? Bellamy would have little reason to give up his many-year alias/charade to Stede and also strikes me as the kind of man to hold his cards close until he wants to play them). Stede gets to know more about Ed as a person from someone who knew him years ago without Ed there to curate ( Much like Jack and Ed, they act like no time has passed next they meet. I think they would have had a kind of rivalry but also an underlying respect for one another. or at least some base kind of comeradery) and also about pirating when money isn’t your background. Just to complicate things, because Stede and Ed have escaped the royal navy, pirate hunters have been sent after the Revenge (Hornigold maybe?). This is discovered at one of the ports they stop at for information. Time is ticking for them to find the Revenge. Stede no longer has the family inheritance money to lean on, and from the change in lifestyle he’s had to take to compensate, he develops a kind of understanding if not respect for Izzy’s steadfastness in duty of running the ship. ------------- Meanwhile back on the Revenge.... Things keep getting worse somehow. Izzy knows he Fucked Up (see walking on thin ice with Ed), but keeps telling himself Blackbeard is back and this is what he (Izzy) wanted. It’s what’s best for Ed. Izzy tells himself this, but even he knows it’s all gone wrong. He can’t face that reality because Izzy only finds the value of himself in serving Blackbeard. This wasn’t always true. It’s not something he’s ready to confront yet. Izzy is also managing (not well) the missing pinky toe whose stump is healing about as well as Lucius’ finger did. His swordsmanship has also suffered due to the lack of balance from its loss. He must hide all this to the best of his ability to keep up appearances, but of course things will go horribly wrong. Ed notices none of this of course; too wrapped up in his own grief and trying to be the Kraken for the one last reliable person (Izzy) he’s scared will leave him if he isn’t being exactly what Izzy expects him to be. After all, Stede disappeared on him without a word, Jack helped Izzy sell Stede (though ed probably interpreted it as selling both ed and stede) out to the British. Ed and Izzy haven’t been talking outside of strictly first mate-captain business talk. And even then, sometimes it’s Izzy (nervously but with a front to show the crew otherwise) managing without Ed. Lucius is living in the walls at this point and sees and hears much from people when they think they are alone. Ed’s fragile state and crying. Izzy’s struggles with his foot and brief forlorn expressions when he’s alone. Maybe there’s times when he’d grip the ring, saying nothing but mind going mile a minute to something Lucius wouldn’t know at this point. He could probably pick up that it’s a thought of someone missed. Lucius can’t keep a secret for long so he’d start conversing secretly with some of the crew. Jim perhaps? The two of them have a precident of secrets kept a la season 1. Those that were part of the Revenge both don’t see a way out of this and start trying to plan for a means of a way out of this. Would there have been more crew transferred from the Queen Anne’s Revenge to the Revenge to fill out the crew with competent pirates? Maybe. Eventually though Izzy can’t ignore that this isn’t anything like the usual moodswings of Blackbeard he’s accustomed to managing. Things aren’t changing and he’s already been dragged too deep underwater by the kraken to surface from the situation. Might as well continue to try and keep the rest of the crew afloat and working as they should be. ---------- (A maybe possibility of an event but not sure how it fits in characterization wise?) Lucius eventually reveals himself to Izzy (under funny accidental circumstances probably). Perhaps when things have gotten Really Bad for Izzy’s foot and he’s bed bound with fever and infection? Would Izzy admit to Lucius he didn’t think an infection would be the thing to do him in? Probably not, but maybe in such a situation he would? (I didn’t think through this scene too much, but maybe some more direct hints that there was someone else (Sam) for Izzy a lifetime ago? But since Izzy never really dealt with the loss other than just shove it down, he doesn’t really want to talk about it? This would provide an opportunity for those that were left from the Revenge crew to gain a kind of respect and the briefest of peaks beneath the demanding middle manager demeanor Izzy has. HOWEVER, this seemingly conflicts with two of the truths Izzy upholds for himself: Loyalty to his captain above all else, and, pirates all just in the process of screwing eachother over) ------------ Back with not the Revenge... Bellamy, Stede, and the rest of the marooned crew eventually catch up to the Revenge with barely enough time before the pirate hunters arrive. If Stede hadn’t but it together by now just who Bellamy was looking for, it would be outright said who specifically is being sought after. (Stede probably wouldn’t put it together that the man he calls Iggy has the name Israel or may be referred to by the nickname Baz) Stede could say it’s him and he’s returned, but Ed wouldn’t believe him. By now, Stede looks quite different a man. No matter what Stede says, It takes a proper pirate boarding and takeover to get Ed to listen. Maybe Stede getting stabbed by Ed (just like he was taught) to get Ed to listen. The revenge crew on both sides wouldn’t want to fight their friends/companions. The jig is seemingly up on romcom logic where everyone is going to be okay. Maybe Ed boils over and Stede sees the Blackbeard the books he has tell of? Does Ed kill someone in his kraken rage or just think he killed someone in order for him to snap out of it enough to allow that emotional vulnerability to show again? (It would have to be him directly doing it, not throwing someone into the sea, or fire, or anything like that. As with when Jack was talking about Ed burning people alive in ep 8, Ed considered it the fire doing the killing, not himself.) There is of course a dramatic and emotional reunion of all the couples. Them all dealing with what happened in their own ways. Izzy of course is beyond words. Not knowing how to emotionally deal with 1) Sam being alive. Sam being here. 2) Stede Bonnet is back. 3)Pirate hunters (Hornigold?) on the horizon coming right for them. That third point would cut everyone’s emotional reunions short, but also be the only one of the three that Izzy has any inkling of how to deal with after years of shoving his own emotions down and never dealing with them. The fight to even get on the Revenge having caused enough fatigue that a fuckery has to be used to get away. Stede gets to showcase what he’s learned as a practical, broke, pirate (and that probably not enough if he creates the fuckery without assistance from others). There’s a grand kind of confrontation between Hornigold and the two captains who were once under his command. Stede gains a deeper understanding of the man that in many ways shaped Ed (and Izzy and Sam and Jack and maybe other figures that could have been encountered while looking for the Revenge such as Anne Bonny and Mary Reed). And then finally, the crew can start to unpack and sort out the situation. It’s a long process. The world, under normal logic, wouldn’t wait for them to sort such things out. Maybe romcom time makes a comeback and they can sort through at least a good chunk of it. Ed, for his part, does a lot of growth or at least tries to. In the end, Izzy ends up leaving with Sam for retirement. Ed tells him to go, be happy. Releases him from service (much to Izzy’s conflicted feelings on it). Izzy insists that no that’s a big mistake. Ed insists that’s what would make Ed happy (even if that too is a lie in some capacity?): to see Izzy finally have that same happiness with Sam that Ed’s now found with Stede. -------------- As for what happened between Izzy and Sam all those years ago... Years ago, Sam was sweet on Izzy when they were both serving under Hornigold. It was a whirlwind romance. Sam promised Izzy fine things and retirement together- something so rare for those in their line of work. It seemed like the stuff of fairytales, but something made Izzy give Sam a chance to make it a reality. I haven’t decided what the reason they weren’t sailing together. Izzy and Sam would have been on different ships under Hornigold’s command. Sam with his own ship and Izzy under Ed’s command. Maybe Izzy’s sense of loyalty to his captain was there (as instilled by Hornigold in all his men), but at the time, he wasn’t giving both of his hands to his job. One for the ship and one for his own interests. Maybe Ed was jealous and didn’t want to “share” Izzy with a someone else and he pressed the loyalty to the captain aspect? Maybe there was some other fuckery a la Ed afoot? Maybe Izzy, being torn between duty and love, said he’d go with Sam once Sam got the money needed for that retirement? That seems to conflict with the intensity of which Izzy holds loyalty though. Hmm.... In any case, after splitting off from Hornigold and some time passing, Sam ended up reported dead along with almost all of his crew in the sinking of the Whydah. (The timeline with Hornigold’s involvement and if he’s still alive even seems to be pretty loose at this point as far as OFMD canon goes in comparison to history. Therefore the timeline between Bellamy being elected captain of what once was Hornigold’s fleet, his independent ventures, and the sinking of the Whydah can be played with fast and loose.) Ever since then, Sam’s been working under another name to regain those funds, find Izzy, and give his love the retirement he promised. News of what happened to the Whydah and Sam eventually made its way to Ed and Izzy. Izzy never really processed the grief. Just bottled it up and dedicated his whole self to his captain. Both hands to the ship. (“The only retirement we get is... death”)

#ofmd #izzy hands #sam bellamy #season 2 au #izzy deserves good things #bellhands #lucius is living in the walls #happy ending #i will go down with this ship #just like the whydah #everyone in that show deserves happiness #i wish someone would write this #I wouldn't do it justice if I did write it #our flag means death #stede bonnet #edward teach #this post is missing something #half baked ideas

36 notes · View notes

daisyachain · 4 months

Text

Rictor and Shatterstar’s status quo has come out of such a long game of telephone that it’s interesting to try and consider what different readings could make of them.

Focusing on Rictor: the word-of-god on his sexuality has been PAD, who cares so little about characters outside of the og X-Factor and forces his own pet plots so unilaterally into continuity that you can basically ignore anything he says. As everyone and their dog ignored his Shatterstar and Rahne characterizations.

That leaves him in an interesting area where he’s been word-of-god-ed as ‘idk probably homosexual’ by a man who notably is a piece of shit and doesn’t care about previous writers’ work. There is space for later comic writers to try and rationalize his work on Rictor the way that, I regret to say, Howard and Williams did successfully rehabilitate Shatterstar. Now IMO the XFI Rictor is a good, interesting characterization and that’s mostly by accident of PAD’s snarky male archetype (‘snarketype’) mapping on to some parts of Rictor that had already been established. That doesn’t mean we should take that book as law, though.

From the start: Rictor is defined by anxiety/negativity/self-hatred/clear trauma/undefined mental illness and an instinct for leadership. Simonson writes him as a big brother type, acting as a leader for the new half of the New Mutants while Sam and Dani lead the ogs. He’s not without his deadpan humour, but he’s not particularly snarky the way that Boom-Boom is. His biggest role in New Mutants is in the Rahne-Rictor-Tabs love triangle, where Tabitha comes to like him as a sensible, sensitive non-threatening guy and Rahne looks to him as a comforting protector-type. Rictor ends up with Rahne in an off-panel twist.

That is to say: Rictor’s most important relationships are with girls throughout his first phase. In fact, he doesn’t have any unique dynamic with a guy…at all…until Liefeld decides that Stryfe killed his father. Then nothing after that. He’s an emotional character who reads as a big-brother type and meshes well with the two female characters from rough families who want some stability in their lives. The actual romance between him and Rahne is hampered by the time crunch, but it seems like he’s drawn to her as someone he can protect. For the same reason, he doesn’t pick up on Tabs’ affections because he thinks of her as independent—even his protector. In other words, we have Rictor dating a naive redhead with an extremist worldview who imprints on him, for whom he chooses to leave the team at some point.

Liefield and/then Nicieza’s Rictor takes a bit of a turn from Simonson’s into more macho territory. His emotionality and tendency to bail manifests as anger rather than fear, getting prickly about small-scale things while staying a sensible team-oriented type. In a few critical panels, he’s a tertiary leader when Sam/Terry/the adults aren’t around and he’s usually one to jeep the team together. This Rictor is still fond of Rahne, though they’ve broken up, and he’s pursuing Tabitha now that she no longer has feelings for him. This comes out of nowhere and is as literally forced as it is awkward—one rejection from Boomer and they never speak of it again. Why does Rictor turn to her now, other than that Rahne’s gone? Unclear. Nicieza also writes Rictor as a bit of a ladies’ man, flirting with one of the New Warriors (Namora…?) and dancing with the club girls. That’s a trait that jars with Simonson’s nervous teen, but it’s not inconceivable. Rictor’s only relationships are ambiguously romantic friendships with two girls, why wouldn’t he be comfortable chatting them up with no strings attached?

The game of Telephone starts here. Niecieza realizes that he’s not doing anything ongoing with Rictor or Shatterstar, so he quickly pairs them up for an issue or two to finish Rictor’s arc about Stryfe/Cable and then start an arc for Shatterstar. Sticking to Simonson’s characterization, he has Rictor act as an older brother figure while adding Nicieza-style snark Nicieza happens to play with the idea of Shatterstar’s alien appearance on a city street right before his book gets handed over to Loeb. So History is made.

At this point, Rictor and Rahne have a fond relationship that drifted apart, Rictor and Tabs have an awkward intense friendship that got wrecked by Rictor’s inexplicable advances in an apparent desperate play to thwart Sam, Rictor has started to mentor Shatterstar just like he did with Rahne. Rictor’s as volatile as always, but he flips to anger over anxiety.

Then Loeb picks up the book. He reads Nicieza’s last issue and thinks it’s kinda gay, and he’s also got a new agenda that doesn’t mesh with Nicieza’s slice-of-life book. He quickly writes Rictor out with some heavy closet-coding and writes a gay arc for Shatterstar, bringing Rictor back in the position of a love interest. I truly don’t think Loeb thought about Rictor for more than five minutes. Rictor’s sexuality is viewed entirely through the lens of Shatterstar’s crush; it’s not really relevant whether he returns Shatterstar’s feelings, it’s only relevant that Shatterstar loses him and gets him back as the bookends to his arc. Rictor inhabits the same reliable-but-independent space in Loeb’s writing as Nicieza’s, less emotionally torn than in Simonson’s.

Aside: Age of Apocalypse happens somewhere here and Rictor is an evil Grand Vizier with no apparent personality traits. Oh well!

Moore then comes onboard at another critical transitional time and writes the two least-developed characters out of the book. Oops, that’s Rictor and Shatterstar! They’re written out together and so the characters canonically leave together—thus tying their fates to one another. Rictor now is at the point where he’s left the team, all his friends and connections, on his own hero’s quest and he brings along one devoted companion. I’m sure that Moore and Loeb don’t remember Rahne and barely remember he was involved with Tabitha. Rictor and Shatterstar are bound together by fate as the two minor characters. When they go on their big Mexican vacation, it’s easy to read Rictor as a young straight guy with a good heart and sympathy for the outcast. It’s also not hard to read him as a kid who dated one naive teammate who looked up to him and is now close to another, a bisexual teenager who had an inkling at the start of Loeb’s run and has finally accepted it.

Then, the two guys remain off-panel except for that one Shatterstar VS Domino fight (Moore) in which Rictor plays damsel to Shatterstar—again, Shatterstar’s feelings are in focus while Rictor’s are ambiguous.

The nail in the coffin comes with the one the only 1999 Annual, where Nicieza comes back and…doubles down on Loeb(+Moore)’s subtext. Rather than sticking to his own macho flirt take on the character, Niecieza implies that the two are sleeping together and has Rictor exchange the more domestic lines in their banter. Where Rictor was a plausibly deniable straight crush for poor Shatterstar in the past, Nicieza writes them as steady partners in the space of a few panels. Rictor is gay or bisexual when we enter the great drought of the aughts (only seven years but well. That’s too many).

XFI then comes along and resets the status quo. Liefeld’s godawful miniseries had broken up the happy couple without giving a mention to Ric, so David creates his own version that continues Simonson’s emotionally harrowed (is that a correct usage?) Rictor with some of Nicieza’s sense of humour. This version is tied to the team by his friendships with Terry and Rahne, continuing the trend of Rictor being closest to women. His early XFI arc is being the accidental hero, and of course that’s represented by saving the girl. He’s got ambiguously romantic scenes with Terry, Monet, and one or two anonymous women, though there’s never any hint at an actual Theresa/Rictor plot.

Instead, XFI keeps its options open and leans into the idea of bisexuality. Madrox comments on Rictor’s looks and his relationship with Shatterstar, Quicksilver’s manipulation of Rictor is coded as seduction, while Rahne remains Rictor’s most important connection on the team. Rahne and Rictor’s relationship is in-focus from the start with their…moment?…at Rictor’s suicide attempt. Their feelings for one another keep them grounded. At the same time, PAD’s misogynist fucking pea brain means he’s decided to write Rahne as a destructive or cursed entity. Because of that, her involvement with Rictor is literally harmful to him. When they sleep together, her claws rip up Rictor’s back. His romance with Rahne is as much a part of his self-harm as jumping off a building or refusing to eat. Rahne was Rictor’s most definitive romantic relationship for a while, and XFI rewrites it as a stagnant union between two people desperate for affection and reassurance.

Taking the whole history of Rictor as the cohesive canon it definitively isn’t, this explains Rictor’s random jump on Tabitha. When he’s unsettled, threatened, or bummed, Rictor will do whatever drastic thing comes to mind to try and salvage the situation. Afraid? Die. Girlfriend and close friend missing? Leave. Afraid of your boss? Leave. Afraid your boss will know you’re gay? Leave. Gf on a different team and close friend now dating someone and drifting away from you? Hit on her. Suicidal again? Sleep with a friend even though it’s literally painful. Rictor acts like a big brother to Rahne more than a boyfriend, their relationship starts from nowhere and ends anticlimactically. By turning Rictor’s main f/m relationship toxic and presenting no alternatives, XFI is the first comic to make ‘gay’ the definitive read on this character. Subsequent stories don’t do anything to complicate this. Is it because writers agree with this interpretation or because they’re cowards? Up for debate.

In any case, I wonder what would happen if someone tried to revisit Rictor’s relationships with women. But imagine that. I don’t think anyone at editorial even remembers he and Tabitha are friends

#kelsey liveblogs comics #I am a gay julio Esteban ‘Rictor’ richter truther and because I am a truther I would like to see convincing bisexual rictor arguments #so I can buttress my interpretation against them.#it IS more interesting to consider Rictor as a woman’s man in his friendships. tabs. rahne. terry.#and how that interacts with shatterstar’s pretty-boy presentation #truly ric is a ‘women and femmes’ kind of guy (this is a joke. this is a joke.)

4 notes · View notes

looksthatkilledd · 2 years

Text

shes my cherry pie // EDDIE MUNSON x AFAB!Reader

A/N: thank you anon! ♡ i lysm! I had to make the reader afab but i promise ill try to make it as gender-neutral as possible! ♡ I couldn't stop laughing at this when writing it because I just watched that one episode of American dad! (aka best tv show ever, well 2nd best to stranger things) and stan became a stripper pls ♡ also, it mentions cherry pie by warrant which didn't come out till 90' but this takes place about 1990-91 sh I know it doesn't make sense that the younger gang is Just about to come out of high school but in the timeline would be around 19 years old, leave me alone.<3

Pairing: Eddie Munson X Reader Warnings: NSFW undertones, strip club, drinking, slight angst?? Words: 1.5k AU: everyone is alive and well, eds is a rockstar! takes place in the '90s NOT PROOFREAD

MASTERLIST

Eddie was your best fucking friend, and you would do anything for him and vice versa, it all started when you met in high school, you were sitting in the cafeteria when Eddie had his little moment, you were sitting across at a different table, with your set of friends, since then, you guys have been joined at the hip, doing everything and anything together.

now, a couple years later, Eddie has been the lead singer of one the most famous metal bands of all time, corroded coffin, playing sold-out shows all around the world, he was living the dream, and of course, he wanted to give you the dream as well, but you didn't want it, it was his fame and money, not yours, sure it would be great to have the joys of that but you were not gonna feed off of your best friend, that is not right in your eyes, money should be earned, not handed to you, Eddie earned the money, you're not gonna let him hand it to you. you were NOT about that life.

eddie has made multiple attempts at trying to help you finically, but you've denied it every time, you had a nice-ish apartment, not that many rats, and no bedbugs yet, but it was in a rundown area, with high crime rates, there was probably gunshots every other day, at this point, it sounded like fireworks, you've learned to ignore it, ignore the flashing sirens every 2 seconds as well. but Jesus fuck the rent was high, to afford it you were working 2 jobs, during the day you worked at a minimart, as a cashier, but at night, you were working down at the sunset strip, working as a stripper, either dancing on a pole or serving drinks.

honestly, the strip club wasn't that bad! of course, it had that fair share of old men and druggies who didn't know about the 'no touching' rule, but it rarely did happen, obviously, it wasn't the life, dancing for the pleasure of men, but it did give hella good money, enough to keep your shitty apartment and food, you've always said, you have everything you need, not everything you want, and you were fine with that, life isn't about being rich and snobby, it's about the fun you have.

you would be lying if you said you hated your life, you had the coolest friends, Eddie and his band, robin and steve, and the younger gang as you would call them, even though they're not as young as they were, they were about to graduate from high school, it blew your mind, you still remember the days in high school that you would hang out and play and, you missed it. you still hang out with the gang though, but they're moving on with their life, steve now had a girlfriend, robin and Vickie were moving in together, and nancy was with Jonathan most of the time.

right now, you were sitting in the dressing room, getting ready for the night ahead, smiling at your appearance, you wore a nice red fishnet lingerie set, you wore sparkly red heels and red lipstick to match, you wore red because it matched your name

'cherry'

you were one of the most favourite dancers, your theme song was cherry pie by warrant, which seems nice but hearing it every fucking night.

"come on cherry! you're on in 5!" your boss yells, you sigh, taking one last look in the mirror before smiling and trying to get into your persona of the cliche sexy girl.

༶•┈┈⛧┈♛༶•┈┈⛧┈♛༶•┈┈⛧┈♛༶•┈┈⛧┈♛༶•┈┈⛧┈♛

Eddie wasn't the one for groupies or strip clubs, people honestly thought he was gay. he wasn't the one to objectify women, they are much more than sex toys, and plus, he had someone who he very loved and was waiting for, he wouldn't do that to them so when the band decided to take out their stress at the sunset strip, he honestly wasn't interested, but reliving stress sounded nice, he agreed for the drinks, not the girls.

so he found himself squished in a booth with the rest of his band, a glass of whiskey fisted in his hand, he thought this was a good idea, but now that he was surrounded by half-naked girls and crusty old men, he was not happy, he would much rather be at home lounging, maybe with you, watching a horror movie, he has heard that new It movie is pretty good, but clowns made him a bit squirmish. he sighed, leaning his elbow on the table and resting his head on his palm, he was thinking of you again, your hair, how soft it was, your eyes, the way they would glimmer, your delicate fingers, your soft fingertips against his skin, your laugh, your smile, he loved it all, you meant so much to him, so fucking much.

༶•┈┈⛧┈♛༶•┈┈⛧┈♛༶•┈┈⛧┈♛༶•┈┈⛧┈♛༶•┈┈⛧┈♛

you don't know why you were so anxious tonight, you were fine any other night, you sighed and crossed your arms as the announcer spoke "thank you, next up is cherry! give them a warm welcome!"

you push open the curtains as everyone cheers, like always, cherry pie plays, you swayed your hips seductively as you walked to the pole, grabbing ahold of it, and thrusting your hips into it

eddie looked up from the table as he started to recognize the song, that is such a coincidently, that was your song, he would always play it for you. he would call you his cherry pie, and he would always emphasize the lyrics

I scream you scream We all scream for her Don't even try 'cause You can't ignore her

because that's how he feels for you. but now, he was taken aback to see your pretty figure on stage, in the red fishnets, your whole body on show, his jaw drops, why was she doing this? you haven't noticed him in the crowd of people, and you have made a habit of not looking in the crowd to see whos there as it makes you uncomfortable to realize how many people were actually watching you dance sexually.

luckily for both you and him, your show came to an end. as you walked off stage, he rose from his seat, and despite the shouts of his fellow band members, he walked towards the stage, heading to the door that was labelled 'backstage; no entry'

he was stopped by a security guard "sorry man, staff only." he spoke sternly "Please I know a dancer, y/n l/n, I need to see her." he begged "do you know how many times I've heard that? you're just trying to get in her pants, no can do."

eddie sighed fishing his wallet out of his pocket, glancing at a picture of you and him, it was at graduation, and you both had your middle fingers up, and written on the bottom read "86' baby!" he pulled it out and showed the guard "is that proof that I know her? if not I have much much more." he huffed the guard sighed, "if miss l/n says you pulled anything I will have the feds on your ass." the guard threatens with a stern poke to eddies chest.

he opened the door, and walked backstage, seeing many records, and props, he walked more and found the door labelled "Cherry." he turned the handle, and you were sat in a robe facing the wall taking out your earrings, and putting them on a table "boss, 'm really sorry that it wasn't my best performance, 'was really anxious for some reason." you spoke, as you finish you turn, you were frozen, seeing Eddie standing in front of you

"Eddie," you whisper out, you could feel tears burning in your eyes, you couldn't find the words to say to him he steps forward grabbing your hands "eds, I didn't want you to find out like this," you whisper once again

he hushes you "It's okay love, I'm not mad, but why? I offered you money so you wouldn't have to me be like this, nothing against it but I feel bad that your most private things about you are on a show like this babe," he spoke smoothly.

your glossy eyes look into his "because I don't deserve the money eds, your hard-earned money and I don't want to feed off of you like a golddigger, I wanna earn my money and be a self-success-" you were cut off with eddies plump lips against yours, you hum in surprise and tense up, before loosening and kissing back, the kiss was very passionate and filled with much love from Eddie.

he pulled away "I love you y/n, I don't want to see you like this, I have a compromise hm?" his voice dripping with pure adoration, you nod, waiting for him to say it "if you want to earn the money, you can I don't know, model for my band, for album covers, posters, Et cetera!" he smiles down at you, and you gasp nodding "I would like that," you say before pulling him in for another kiss

#eddie my boy #eddie x you #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson smut #eddie munson #eddie x steve #stranger things x reader #robin stranger things #stranger things fic #stranger things 4 #stranger things #nikki.txt #Spotify

48 notes · View notes

hearts4farryn · 1 year

Text

July 19, 2023

TW! ed, sa, addiction, basically dead dove don’t eat

After years of an ed, I finally find myself on Tumblr; the HOLY GRAIL of disordered people. You’d think after 3 years of therapy, several hospital trips, and multiple attempts i’d learn my lesson. At this point I think I just like wallowing in my mental illnesses. Once quarantine started, I just went spiraling down a path in the wrong direction. But this year has been the most wild point of my life. It’s funny, a couple weeks ago my step-dad asked me if I had hit rock bottom. His question didn’t sprout from just a few of my life’s mishaps though. My biological dad who lives across the United States sent my and in-depth suicide note through his Gmail; causing me to stress over him for weeks. A few months earlier I had been raped by a man in his 20’s, but he got shot 2 weeks after. Karma’s a bitch when it needs to be. And finally, the cherry on top, my parents and relatives found out my therapist was grooming me. I knew that his sexual advances towards me weren’t necessarily normal, but he has told me countless times I was “one of a kind” and he “thought about me often.” The worst part of him grooming me was people finding out. I could handle that my middle aged therapist (who was actually very cute!) found me attractive and had other plans than me just being a client to him. I didn’t mind it. Being victimized and the stress of taking legal action was a completely different topic. Thank God, my parents decided to stray away from the police. I’ve already had enough encounters with them anyway. Back to my step-dad saying I hit rock bottom, I already knew I hadn’t. Not even a week after he asked, I overdosed on my bedroom floor with Euphoria playing in the background. No fucking joke. This was also not on purpose (surprisingly) and I had been using for a long time before this. My blue leds were on too. My mom found me in my bed; grey-faced, convulsing, while my friend held back tears as she watched death almost swallow me whole. My mom dragged me to the floor, called 911, and started CPR. Mind you I was in a thong and bra during all of this. EMTS eventually arrived at my house and I woke up to lights flashing in my eyes and realizing everyone there has seen me half naked. I cried in the ambulance and apologized to the officer beside me countless times. To be honest, he was probably getting pissed and how much i was whining and the amount of “I’m so sorrys” i was throwing out there. If anyone out there has experienced addiction and thought, “oh! there’s no way that’ll happen to me! i know what i’m doing.” There is always a way. ALWAYS. Especially with hard shit. I’ve been sober since then and hope to continue, but i still haven’t processed it fully. Instead of realizing it was a very serious situation, I just giggle at the thought of it and move on. Anyways, all this crazy shit has sprouted into my life after my first heartbreak. I had been cheated on after I poured everything into a relationship. At the same time, what did I expect out of a teenage boy? I won’t go too in depth about that, it’s always the same story for everyone. Now Im about 2000 miles from home, with my childhood best friends. It’s a nice and quiet break from everything. I just kind of relive the same day and don’t have to worry about being around my triggers. These 3 weeks have been the easiest weeks to get clean. I just hope i stay clean, i honestly never know. Without a therapist, I’m just going to have to figure shit out on my own and hope I’m doing life right. This year I’ll be going into my sophomore year of high school, and I kind of can’t wait for summer to be over. But first I need to be skinny!! I want to be sickly. That’s just kind of what I’m relying on to cope right now. If anyone needs to rant in my dms they are always welcome, I am here for this community! I get it. This is my first update here, I’m not sure if anyone will read it but hi if u do! Thank you for listening!

xoxo

farryn

#tw ana diary #i want to be sick #tw ed rant #b0dy check #tw ana fast #th1n$pø #4norexi4 #th1n$po #thinspø #low cal restriction

8 notes · View notes

cricketwrangler · 1 year

Text

Hahaha so the "physical medicine and rehabilitation" guy that we'd been hoping would finally give logan a real evaluation, went through all his notes history, and decided he just has a somatic disorder :). Which is code for "thinks everything is more than it is and is actually an expression of mental illness". Literally looking it up it's the "we haven't found what's wrong with you so we're assuming it's not really a problem" disease. And put on the note he's advising ALL of the people treating him in any way--therapist, physical therapist, pcp, different specialists--of this, and not to approve any treatment or testing pretty much. This when he's been constantly deteriorating because he's hardly recieved any useful treatment, has had to wait months and months for each appointment that doesn't go anywhere, and currently is having new horrible symptoms with muscle contractures and spasms, as well as constant migraine and worsening stomach issues, and none of it is controlled. The CTs for head and stomach that were ordered a month ago and were urgent then, have kept getting fucked up between insurance and the doctors office and outside testing labs that his insurance makes him go through. And now this will probably make that harder.

And his reasonings were disgusting. And he obviously decided this from the beginning bc he cherry picked anything that was dismissive of him from any notes, notes every mention of mental illness, starting with trauma as a kid, to just any mention of having had anxiety ever. Discredits or conveniently leaves out any notes that would disprove or not support this conclusion. The things that made looking for help exhausting and difficult and un fruitful this whole time are being used against him--tests that reported something objectively wrong, doctors who just wrote the wrong thing in the notes, the fact that no one ever did any investigative work, he HAD to look stuff up and ask them to evaluate for it!

And 90 percent of this I think came down to he was weirdly pissy at logan using the term "spasticity" which he says "has a very specific definition". Logan actually does research on this stuff (which I've heard is something often used against you in this exact situation) but even things I've looked up describe symptomatically what he's having. If we're wrong, that's bc we ARENT doctors and colloquial use is all we have to describe the symptoms! It's your job to evaluate further, not to get mad at him for using what you assume is the wrong term! And only started realizing that might be what's happening because a DIFFERENT rehab doctor said he needed to see a spasticity clinic bc that's what was happening!

Also misgendered him several times. And implied that treatments not working were also evidence, without asking why (i.e. "noncompliance" with CPAP, bc he's been ordered but has had trouble getting a bipap--even for me, the pressure they had it set to ramp up to makes it feel impossible to breathe). Or for having a reaction to different medications.

Basically the first evaluation he had for eds he was sent to a rheumatologist for, bc they do joints, and she didn't fully evaluate him and did not know what eds was previously. And he quoted back to her saying he didn't qualify every time another physician noted EDS.

I was vaguely worried about this ever since his pcp mentioned that the guy "wants to spend time evaluating you himself and looking through testing as opposed to taking other doctors word for it". But he didn't evaluate him past a couple of hypermobility checks and basic neuro exam. He spent most of the time with logan trying to get his testing from another hospital uploaded, bc despite using the exact same interface, it's really difficult to access everything from the other hospital. We turned in the cds to records but I guess that hasn't done anything yet.

Anyway between being terrified what this will do to his current treatment that's barely managing symptoms, we finally got with people who are helping us get a medicaid waver--which we thought before we didn't qualify for, but she thinks we will--for me to be paid as a caregiver, get other home health and a case manager, help getting a ramp finally. And the people i spoke to were helpful and awesome and seemed to be wanting to get the most help possible and shit. But one of the questions she asked for the paperwork was if he sought a lot of appointments for appointments sake, which this guy seems to imply. And which makes me think this diagnosis/coding/recommendation is going to mess that up too. I don't even know what to do. I know this happens to people but from what I've seen it's horrible trying to get past it, if you ever can, and seeking new doctors once yours are poisoned against you makes it look worse!

#dont want to rant anymore to logan bc atm hes trying to distract himself so doing it here #going ti have to spend the weekend when we needed to do a ton of other stuff going theough those notes #to hopefully have a good case when he sees his pcp tuesday #cant send a message bc apparently this guy can also access all of those

4 notes · View notes

mental-health-advice · 11 months

Note

Is any human relationship truly anything more than a trade? Because I feel like people can't tolerate me once I become too much and can't give them something they need or want. I feel like the only way to go is to just pretend I am a different person than I am in reality, because if I decide to "lean on my friends for support" it will end up "draining them and making them feel like I am too ill so they can't tell me anything about themselves" which makes them resent me. I had this happen with my best friend when I had an eating disorder and she was the only person who'd pay me any attention when I was struggling. I first told her that I'm concerned about my eating behaviour. And it happened so that in the end I found out she resents me because basically I am too sick and she can't vent to me as well, also when we see each other I look like I don't care about her. Truth is that I was extremely depressed and was thinking about food all the time. I'm sorry if this is not making sense, but I guess I just honestly don't believe I am of any use to people when something is wrong with me. Even my family sort of closes their eyes and whenever I've tried to talk to them about how I truly feel, they've plainly said they don't understand me. So this time when I relapsed with the ed I didn't tell anyone, I just went to a treatment center by myself, because I don't want to make anyone feel like I am some sort of ill patient who needs 24/7 care from them as if we were in a hospital. I also stopped telling my friend about how I feel, I just lie, because it's either this or being resented in the end.

I know this probably made little sense, I am sorry. What I most wanted to ask is - do people really care for anyone? Because I feel like in social relationships I am an object of trade. Either I am in good condition and have something valuable I can give the person so they keep talking to me, or I am in a bad condition and the worse it gets the less I can give and the less valuable I become. I just feel like the phrase "a relationship is built on equality - both people give and both take" is a fancy way to say "when you stop being able to give, you are useless and people will move on to someone who can give more".

-🖤

Hey there,

Unfortunately, sometimes friends aren’t the greatest of supports when we are struggling and are needing to vent and talk to someone when we are really struggling. I am sorry that you have personally experienced this. Maybe your friends that you spoke to though had their own things that they were struggling with and so felt overwhelmed when you spoke to them or maybe they simply just didn’t know how to respond to you and so it was easier for them to just ‘resent’ you in a way and make it so that you could not talk to them in the future about your personal struggles. From what you have mentioned it sounds as though it may have been the latter, and so maybe in future when you feel like you need to talk to one of your friends you could let them know that you simply just need to talk and that you appreciate that you know that they may not know how to best help you but that you just need to talk to someone, if that makes sense. Like I mentioned though, not all friends are less supportive than others and so you may just need to be clear of what you are needing or expecting of them! Also, you could perhaps mention to them that that they are more than welcome to vent to you as well (if it’s not too much for you to hear) and that it can be quite normal to talk to one another about what each friend is going through/ experiencing. Sometimes you just have to be clearer about that more than with other people in your life.

I think that it’s admirable that you were able to get yourself the professional help and support that you were needing for yourself at the time. Maybe this is something else that you could mention to your friends when talking to them – that you are able to get yourself professional help and support when you really need it and consequently this may also take some of the pressure off of them when you speak/ vent to them.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #🖤#friends #venting

3 notes · View notes

viktors-still-beating-heart · 1 year

Text

Uh content warning ig for me talking about really gross mould n probably tmi ED kinda stuff idk but it's nasty,,

DUDE. From my room I removed some mouldy dishes + some rubbish bc I'm moving out and I needed to remove them finally before my family tidy it while I'm gone.

It's rlly bad and the disgusting result of me struggling to tidy + bingeing + purging. Most of the time I find it hard to keep on top of clearing the dishes from my room since I eat and drink up there fairly often.

Occasionally I've left dishes for too long and they start to grow mould, if it's not too bad I'll do an intensive bleach-y clean on them while my family is out (idk if this is safe uh) or if it's real bad I'll just chuck them out. Also sometimes when I leave dishes it's because I've binged and I feel too ashamed to bring down the mass of post-binge dishes in front of my family, I don't want them to be concerned and I feel so gross for bingeing.

Also some of the time when I have binged I'll purge, and there's been a few times where I've just regurgitated the food back into the dish I'd eaten it out of (I'm so sorry, I need to vent this, good lord). Idek why I do this bc the toilet is so close and it just makes the tidying/leaving dishes issue so much worse bc I can't exactly bring down a fucking bowl of saliva and bile and food mush down to wash in front of my family.

It's always so bad and stupid, I can deal with it but still the mould really (I think understandably) freaks me out and it's just drenched in shame and asjfgkhdgfhj it's not fun and it's my fault entirely. It is interesting to see the different types of food mould tho lol, especially when it's purged stuff it reallyy makes mould thrive, delightful.

Anyway fucking I was throwing everything into a bin bag and I moved a box that was under my bed bc it had some broken mugs inside it that I hid but wanna try to repair. No big deal, but I see another (whole) mug that was hidden behind the box. Huh that's not good, idk why I hid that but it's almost definitely got mould in it. I put the box down and took a proper look at the mug.

What the fuck. Let me tell you that that thing was housing some godforsaken, unholy, horrifying entity. This absolute creature was like a fucking demon slowly creeping out and growing under my bed over an untold period of time, I'm so glad that it wasn't touching anything except its ceramic home. It had these long, glossy, black hairs all fountaining out and hanging over the edge of the mug. A deeply unsettling fungal wig spilling out, slithering out. Some of the hairs had small beads on them, and they were all growing out of this mysterious greyish mound at the bottom of the mug. Awful. This fungus has come from the deepest depths of hell and risen as a spectre to haunt me for my disordered wrongdoings.

Truly, what the fuck. At 5.30am I sealed its demonic body and soul into that bin bag and snuck through the house, out the back door, and across the gravel and wet grass to banish it into the bin. Thankfully I managed to get back inside into my room without my family waking up. I am relieved but shaken, holy shit lmao.

It's all good now ig and honestly pretty funny overall, quite an experience - typical ED shenanigans. I doubt any of y'all will be bothered to read this wall of text but goddamn, I just needed to write it all out somewhere. Hopefully the writing is alright bc I'm quite sleep deprived. Mental illness is cool. What even are eating disorders lmao, this is horrible. Hello if you read this, I hope it was worth it and not upsettingly nasty.

#tw ana shit #tw ed #edblr #ftm ana #ftm ed #male ed #trans ana #enby ana #nb ana #ana boy

3 notes · View notes

sanchoyo · 2 years

Text

arc v episodes 101-115 thoughts under the cut but first....yuyas dad is FINALLY here and I feel bad for being so suspicious of him. but also still Mildly Distrusting bc i KNOW how ygo dads ARE

-NEW OP!!! its very Cool, sounds like smth in ddr. still think believexbelieve and kirifuda are above it but its a solid third place I think. very hard to pick bc theyre all rly Good and the visuals on this one are rly rly good

-strongly disagree w yuya saying 'umm kaito if u card ur enemies ur just as bad as them >:/' dude cmon lol hes fighting against ppl hunting everyone in his city for sport. not the same thing at ALL

-the second shingo fckin said hed duel kaito i was like. well shit rip lol. gon and yuya reluctantly doing the action duel chant with him was so funny pls

-kaitos deck is weird as hell what happened to it. where is your galaxy eyes photon dragon i MISS Her. photon deck > cipher deck just bc photon had his magical girl transformation. i do appreciate how rainbowy cipher dragon is. wait wasnt photon stuff implied to be from another dimension (like, barian/astral stuff, not..arc vs version of Other Dimensions) so..yeah this kaito never got his Space Illness!! hes Healthy Kaito! wild

-ok. so just from yutos like exposition of saying he knows of kaito and his expression is different now (and us seein a flashback to a smiley happy kaito…) …and the lack of orbital and his photon form and the fact he was going to be a duel champion…haruto never got sick in this au version did he? which means faker wouldnt have had to shove tron/kazuma into the barian/astral portal thingy, and faker wouldnt have made a deal w vector or made kaito a numbers hunter? so he could focus on his own goals and live a more normal life I guess? so..does that mean yuma and astral NEVER MET?? DO THEY EVEN EXIST IN THIS WORLD. SAD. like even in a world that seemed to be kinder to kaito by not making his dad such a dick or his bro sick, he still got fucked over by a WAR in the end which is worse than what happened in zexal akjsfkjhn. well. at least this kaito hasnt taken the Moon Trip.

-ohhh my gosh yuto, shun, and ruri in casual clothes hangin out and watching kaito duel (also, this heartland has duel schools! named after card suites! thats fun) shun and kaito must be the same age, right? …so I assume the flashback is when they were 17ish and kaito is 18 now like in zexal? so the attack on heartland took place over the course of a few months to a year (ongoing it seems like but only to get stragglers now…oof) I thought shun, ruri and yuto were all the sameish age but nope. knowing yuzu and yuya are 14 makes me think all the counterparts are the same, so its probably pretty likely all three went to normal (non dueling) school together AND then duel school together, but yuto and ruri are prob in the same age so they mightve been friends first from going to the same school, and ruri later introduced yuto to her brother? so they have a cute lil trio now…this is my headcanon. (it rly does seem like all the yuboys and bracelet girlies were bffs from young ages EXCEPT serena and yuri jkdshfk)

-also can I assume at least SOME of the original characters from zexal are in this universe if not yuma for whatever reason (and prob not any of the barians?) like. would kotori have been goin to school and been in the grade right under yuto/ruri? …I want ruri and her to be bird friends

-the ED is still a dsod commercial booo let me see the ed animation! I had to go look it up on youtube. and its prob my least fav so far sadjfhkj its nice looking but so Plain compared to the others..the song is nice?

-oh my god kaito said he dueled yuto countless times and yet it took him halfway into the duel to realize yuya looked like him. kaito faceblind like me confirmed? also I like how kaito didnt beat yuya SUper fast like jack did the first time lol, makes me think yuyas getting a lot stronger gradually which is fun!

-yuto during the kaito stuff started speaking to yuya? he literally has not regularly done that at all up until this point. was..he able to do that all along and just Never did?? lmao?? not even to pass along messages to his bestie shun??? nope, kaito is Thee Important Guy to talk to yuya abt I Guess haha. good to see him again. also still good that yuya is not Questioning Why yuto is Tagging along inside of him or why that happened in the first place. lol

-yuto rly told yuya YA DONT TELL THEM IM HERE DONT TELL THEM MY SOUL IS IN YOU bro…theyre just gonna assume ur missing forever….yuya NEEDS to let them know lol

-'then my dad rly wasnt a coward!' yuya why is that your reaction to your dad having gone to xyz?? did he rly not tell ur mom at least?? was he helping in the War??? i still am salty he left yuya at home to do that seemingly w/out word of when he could be back or what was going on to at least his WIFE?? I get not telling ur small child maybe but cmon... the xyz ppl called him a coward tho lmaooo??

-ARE ALL THE GIRLS IN FUSION DIMENSION!!! YES!!! GIRL TIME

-14 yr olds HAVE to be in academia…literal child soldiers!!! oh god yuzu!!! (but also I NEED her to go and hang w the other girls lmao) the fact kids regularly run away and the adults are like WE GOTTA SEND HER BACK…chasing her down for it…GOD

-LOVE THE DRAMATIC REVEAL OF ASUKA. AS IF I COULDNT RECOGNIZE HER. I lichrally dont recall anything abt her but im glad to see her again anyway. looks like shes not with academia despite still wearing the uniform LOL. love cyber angels designs too

-on the other hand im very lukewarm to edo being here. hi I Guess u were not my fav in gx nor did I dislike u...just some guy to me... same hat on us both not liking yuyas dad? (I DONT HAVE A VALID REASON I AM JUST SUS ABT HIM AND DONT LIKE HIS VIBES SO FAR. like i GUESS theyre implying hes a good guy but im like :/ ok.)

-yuyas dad. right there. running a duel school for academia runaways. cool? glad hes kinda helping stuff?? god yuzu's reaction to seeing him broke my HEART she is so compassionate and immediately cries out of relief bc she knows how much everyone was worried abt him. she prob was too bc he was prob like an uncle to her...agh

-oh my god yuto POSSESSED YUYA and his eyes turned grey. gonna be real bodysharing is one of my fav tropes and im enjoying yuto being more Active A Lot :3c (also, yuya seemed to be in PAIN before and after yuto did this. so. interesting)

-this monster is AMAZING LOOK AT THOSE STAINED-GLASS WINGS!!! BRO DARK REQUIEM XYZ DRAGON IS EVEN A COOL NAME. LOVE HER

-shun talking to kaito abt the power of friendship was RLY cute and I appreciate his effort BUT HES GONNA BE A TOUGH NUT TO CRACK. HIS WHOLE FAMILY IS CARDED. poor haruto :( (do not care too much for dr faker at all tho tbh)

-ppl rly just accept when yuya says yuto is inside of him. love the ygo universe bc its such a Normal Whatever thing

-106 kicks off with some BOMBSHELLS. leo and yuyas dad worked together to make real solid vision?? I was under the impression his entertainment dueling was created separately but No. they worked together. classic ygo dads moment. and yuyas dad looked tiny baby reiji in the eyes after being asked to be the leader of the lancers and decided to go do stuff on his own anyway to try and TALK to leo. I get it! he didnt want the kid to be involved! understandable actually but he fucked up by going before the system was ready and landed in xyz oof...dumbass moment but I get it. he wanted to try and solve things himself...does he know what leo's plans entail?? can he tell me if so jkdsjfn is it rly just Rule All Dimensions bc thats sooo lame if so

-glad to see a lot of fusion kids were running away and doubting stuff going on… the random girl begging asuka to run away with her…lesbian moment. and shes a nameless bg character. damn. so sad

-yuzus new outfit is SOO cute!! and hair down moment!! need more hair down gel-less hair moments in ygo lol

-there had better be fanart of yuri or fanfics where he has plants (esp venus flytraps and stuff) bc of his deck

-OJAMA MOMENT. YURI CALLING THEM UNPLEASANT TOO LMAOOO says the guy with plants with eyeballs on them!! his reaction was SO funny. he is like a little cat to me. funney little guy. also when it zooms in on him and in the last (or the one before that?) op he has slit eyes sometimes. is that like. for a reason or just stylistic. its FUN

-jesus christ he took 5 of them out in 1 turn! overkill much! but also once again showing him as a Threat. right before he gets teleported AGAIN LMAO yuzu is Immune to Yuri

-YUGO IS IN FUSION TOO?? HOW LONGVE U BEEN HERE BUD I MISSED U

-the…effect yugo has on women.......... ^ (+how serena was constantly kicking/punching him away) hes like a golden retriever JKSDHFJK he just needs to find someone to match his energy!! poor boy 😂

-leo could not look more like a villain if he tried. my god sitting on his chair with THAT villain pose. ordering ppl around but seemingly doing NOTHING himself. his vibes. I RESPECT the aesthetic even tho hes a piece of shit father (the same goes for reijis MOMs vibes, my god its a wonder reiji doesnt have Villainous Mannerisms from being raised by them LMAO)

-NEW GIRL VILLAINS? NEW GIRL VILLAINS? NEW GIRL VILLAINS? NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WERE EVIL WOMEN IN ARC V HELLOOOO

-GRACE AND GLORIA YOURE BOTH SO. CHEFS KISS. MORE EVIL WOMEN ALWAYS. AND AMAZONESS CARDS!!!! OOOOH. >:3

-poor sayaka with her survivors guilt ;^; Feel Bad for Her

-OH!! sayaka uses fairies!!! FAIRY CHEER GIRL IS BACK YES KOTORI DECK LETS GO. I have now decided sayaka, ruri, and kotori were besties. two birds and two fairy users. it just makes Sense!

-'the professor would never send us for duelists of your caliber' they say then keep taunting the kids. my god grace and gloria arent just evil women. theyre MEAN women pro assassins for academia. I am OBSESSED with them. are either of them single

-iron wolf trains design is so funny to me. ive seen the card before but i didnt kno there was a character who used it in the animes...train deck is such a funny concept. beep beep

-I mean Obviously yuya/shun would win against the ladies, but it was very nicely done? gloria/graces strats were cool, they got their LP to an INSANE number before bein taken down and yuya did it with STYLE and a FLARE and put smiles on everyone (sans edo)'s faces which was. good to see. good.

-hey i was gonna say 'edo love ur shoulder fringe thingies' but then…I saw the rest of his fit…what are u WEARING. SNUGGIE??? thought u had beef with xyz but maybe ur mad the barians stole ur fit like HUH. WHAT IS THAT OUTFIT. LMAO. (going to get roasted alive if it turns out he wore this in gx and I just forgot but tbf I remember like. 4 things abt gx. yubel was there. there was a...caveman? dinosaurus guy. he got the dino bone in him and went to space. vampires? that is all. manjoume was there.)

-sayaka's visceral reaction/panic when the obelisk force's monster came out…I knew she had severe anxiety+ptsd but GOD IT MAKES ME SO SAD. PROTECT HER. (+ the chaos named monster being in xyz world…yes. good)

-i think kaito is the only person not to flinch at all during the 2000 interference policy bs. icon

-'i will KILL SAYAKA YUUSHOU'S SON' …I wonder if the literal translation is KILL?? thats what the subs said but my god edo, do u not mean 'turn into a card' kill seems like. well. a bit SEVERE.

-aww edo fuckin. put yuya in a CAGE MATCH. I was hoping we'd get edo v kaito. I am still holding out hope for kaito and jack to interact somehow

-grace wanting to watch while gloria is like UGH LETS GO ALREADY peak sisterisms. …damn they arent gonna keep these women evil are they (they were prob child soldiers too, which, fair enough)

-kaito rly said nO PROB takes out entire obelisk force alone KING SHIT

-this duel prof guy whos name I am not committing to memory (guy with coconut hair) is mad annoying. I miss the actual professor from gx, he at least had cute clothes and lipstick for that certain gnc flair. this dude is like if spock sucked

-oh. ok edo has pants under his robes and stuff. from the side its more obviously like, a cape situation with hangy bits, but, I like my idea that its a snuggie better. </3

-it makes perfect sense why edo is upset but him being like 'I DIDNT SMILE!! I DIDNT!!' is a LITTLE funny. and ofc he would think duels arent supposed to be fun, yuya. my god hes only known them as tools of war! its like goin to someone and being like 'i KNOW guns are scary but where IM FROM all the bullets are marshmallows and we shoot them in each others mouths and into our friendship cocoa so dont worry, I want to understand u by shooting u gently with marshmallow gun :)' and u gotta be like. ok well where im from they are Death Weapons :( HHHH.

-also now that we're seeing more of yuyas dad can I just say. I DONT UNDERSTAND YGO GENETICS. DOES YUYA DYE HIS HAIR??? HIS DAD HAS BLACK HAIR AND HIS MOM IS A REDHEAD. anime genetics in general are screwy but with multicolored hair…its like. it MUST be hair dye right. if we are being honest. in a realistic au where that IS the case do we think yuya has 1. natural black hair or 2. natural orangy hair like his mom 3. some mix of the two (brown hair??) hmm.

-I feel like yuya's performer persona has come out 10000% more in these two past duels than the entire series and i LOVE IT YUYA FEELS LIKE HES GETTIN IN THE GROOVE OF IT. YES. MAKE THEM SMILE BABY. i am smiling too. cute…

-aw edo swapped sides and threw his fake snuggie away. also grace being SO READY TO JOIN YUYA HAHA. even edo and the tyler sisters hear yuya explain 'o ya yutos a guy whos Me from xyz ^^' and theyre like oh ok :) I LOVE HOW THEY ARE JUST. FINE WITH IT. I LIKE when everyone is friends so this is fine.

-kaito putting the fear of god into loser spock. amen

-…ok academia soldiers immediately switching sides and helping was cute. idc if its a bit unrealistic for all the child soldiers to flip that quick. its NICE in theory.

-edo being like 'o ya we can return the carded ppl to normal' casually and everyone being SHOCKED. i …kept forgetting everyone prob thought it was forever Permanent LMAO??? like. obviously /i/ know they return everyone to normal (just bc on a meta level Killing Everyone including minor charas FOREVER is too Much for ygo probably, and itd make academia a LOT more unforgivable imo) but. still. wild

-yuya/yuto speech abt 'yeah, we NEED to forgive to move on, ofc theres unforgivable stuff and thats even more painful but the best we can do is try to make ppl smile' …sweet sentiment. like I get what he means but I also dont 100% believe ppl in xyz would realistically be That WIlling to let academia ppl Help Them jdsafhkj

-so yeah, the cards are being used for Soul Energy or whatever, and edo thinks all the ppl are gonna be reborn. wonder if thats bs from leo or real? and 'reborn' as in like, immediately the same? so more like respawn that reBORN right. anyway what in the world is leo ACTUALLY aiming for bc i still dont believe its some utopia bullshit. hes using child soldiers and kidnapping girls…

-they put shun in A POD?? MAGIC HEALING POD??? HOW IS HE /THAT/ INJURED CMON. WE NEED FIGHTING BIRD. nooo are we rly leaving him in xyz for now boooo :(

-wait we're really going to fusion NOW? are we coming back to xyz after? it feels too SOON we have like 40 eps left, also, we spent way longer in synchro comparatively…

-christ, im GLAD yuyas dad is finally like 'yes ill go, ill take charge and talk to leo' buddy your old pal is using child soldiers and causing genocide, we are a little past trying to get him to egao!!! also how long have u been in fusion, u didnt IMMEDIATELY GO TO DO THIS??? IF UR SO SURE U CAN TALK TO HIM??? annoying asf im sorry i dont have a valid reason to dislike this man but i DO i do dislike him. one thing abt ygo is all the dads usually suck so im just WAITING to hear some SHIT abt him ToT

-dennis is finally back??? I forgot he existed. sorry dennis. you're FUN but not one of my favorites

-i do love all the students being like. NOOO YUYA'S DAD SENSEI STAND DOWN LET US HANDLE DENNIS. fuckin DENNIS trying to be a threat jdsfkj. as if yuyas dad is like, old and weak?? his leg might be injured but my god I seriously doubt he, as a pro duelist, who INVENTED A NEW TYPE OF DUELING, cannot beat DENNIS. funny

-…I do think dennis wouldve lost, but THEY RAN AWAY FROM THE DUEL. how many times has this happened in ygo ever?? wild!! theyre rly going for academia right NOW?? OH GOD ITS HAPPENING. WILL THE BRACELET GIRLS ALL FINALLY MEET UP

-YUYA YUZU REUNION. AGAIN.

-the INSANE BACKFLIPS KAITO JUST DID. I AM ON EP 113. HE JUST. KAITO WERE U A CHEERLEADER AT SOME POINT?? WHAT WAS /THAT/

-kinda mad abt yuzu being relegated to Damsel a bit, but glad she can also protect herself and duel

-yuto is SO funny popping out while yuya homosexually Duels kachidoki right after he says smth like 'bring out ur evil xyz dragon' and yuto says 'wow he rly hates u…' BRO ITS /YOUR/ DRAGON HES TALKING ABT LMAO??? yuto is so. well. im glad after this long, for this arc hes so much more PRESENT

-ok, yuya says smth REALLY interesting to me. he makes a point to be like 'because of how I was dueling back then (against kachidoki the first time, when the Demon Thing overtook him n yuto) I couldnt save kachidoki, but it's different now!' and. yeah? his character development has been kind of subtle, but in MY opinion he went from trying to force himself to smile as …a kind of Repressing of his Real feelings, and to just kinda emptily echoing his dads words without understanding them deeply, to actually wanting others to smile with him because hes Witnessed the Horrors and Injustices and wants to uplift ppl genuinely while honoring his dad too and…idk, it's NICE. I think the Demon thing is Less of an Immediate problem now bc hes! feeling his feelings More or smth? …is the Demon Form a Metaphor. (I know it wont be lol im still mildly worried abt it, esp since we got all the yuboys in the same dimension now..) anyway its nice and i already KNOW hes gonna befriend kachidoki :)

-kachidokis rainbow magic evil tattoos are so fun. love those

-the way yuya is struggling on roller shoes but was a natural on a bike in sychro is SO funny. granted his mom was a biker, so

-yuto's little 'hey are u doing this on purpose…' to yuya my GOD he is SO funny. emo king has JOKES (I think hes being serious which is even funnier actually)

-my god kachidoki's backstory is so sad but hes been fixating on yuya for EIGHT YEARS? yeah they are so. hmm. rotating them in my mind together. kachidoki was willing to make them both lose if it meant yuya losing…and yuya stopped him from doin that…offered him a friendly hand….going to CRY

-this is prob the first time kachidoki got praised like that in a duel too HHHH IM SAD. also why are u walking away, ur in a random dimension king, howre u gettin home? DENNIS? is DENNIS gonna send u home? jdsfkjhk

-my god dennis v kaito. why am I laughing so hard. kaito is like the biggest straightman ever to dennis' silly Menace and…yeah it's very funny to me. kaitos gonna beat his clown ass. kaito is THEE undefeated ygo rival I am not even a little worried

-ok quick card appreciation moment. bubble gardna is so CUTE

-Ok i expected kaito to win. did not expect. DENNIS TO, INSTEAD OF JOINING THEM, TURN HIMSELF INTO A CARD. jeez. ok. this was immediately overshadowed by the fact SERENA BACK!!!! ITS BEEN TOO LONG. HIIII SERENA :D

-…PIRATES ARE CANON. yet another epic win

-Moment. (followed by immediate betrayal, lmao I was wondering why we didn't get to see what she'd been up to and she just gave a vague summary...up to being brainwashed I Guess? unsurprising)

-I'm actually mad at how easily yuzu gets captured and goes along with this tho. bc it looked like serena just..mildly twisted her arm?? s1 yuzu would've fought Harder and been yelling (her being so spirited was one of my fav things abt her!) and they keep making her More of a Damsel and im >:( u still have legs girl! kick! bite! I want u to go down swinging if u must be caught!! struggle more!! damn!!!

-YUYA CAN SKATE ON TIGHT ROPES!!! i think I wondered earlier in this liveblog if he could do Circus Skills and he CAN MY GOD I AM SO VALIDATED RN. LOVE THIS

-reiji, layra, tsukikage, and crow are finally here. about god damn time. AND SORA IS TOO. YAY. why is jack not with them :<

-sora using a kraken monster against the pirate (pirate..cosplayer? lmao) so why DOES academia employ Fake Pirates exactly. like im not complaining I Just Want To Know

-this little?? approving nod and smile reiji gives to sora?? so cute ;_; genuinely glad to have both of them back, reiji is Best Team Leader and sora is very much needed if we're goin to academia (and look..hes all buddy friends with the other lancers now…cute…his FRIENDS…HE HAS FRIENDS NOW.......PROUD OF U DOT COM)

-also very glad yuya was like 'yeah serena wouldnt fucking DO THIS of her own will' and they did establish its Brainwashing. like, good on them for being smart and trusting their friends. refreshing to see

#sanchoyo liveblogs arc v #this one is Long and screenshot heavy but i had MANY thoughts #starting to think my dislike of yuyas dad will be irrational and baseless but still.#i dont like his...Vibes....#SDJFKFJ #like hes been nothing but chill this far in but im still like. SUS.#ygo #arc v

7 notes · View notes