#i had so much fun with this one!!!! felt good to have a sense of direction for fanart for once

[novvabee]

Idk if you’re taking requests but I’d love another poly! Jegulily x reader smut, maybe the boys walking in on reader and Lily 👀

so uh... idk if im good at writing smut but this one is for you love!!! also i am writing this from a hospital bed and my brain is only half working so

Caught

summary:James and Regulus catch you and Lily having some alone time

cw: MDNI. smut, this is kinda pwop, oral (f and m receiving) unprotected piv, cumplay?, swearing, idk this is literally just smut, lmk if anything needs to be added.

word count: 4.2k

Lily couldn’t be more perfect if she tried, her golden shining skin, her blazing emerald eyes, her ethereal copper hair. She was perfect in every sense of the word and you couldn’t believe she was yours. 

How truly lucky you were. You got her all to yourself, yours to hold, to sleep next to, to feel. She was all yours, if only you didn’t share her.

You sometimes forgot that she wasn't only yours. You forgot that you had to share. 

You loved your boyfriends, of course you did. And they loved you and Lily just as much. But there were days, moments that you just had to have her to yourself. You had to allow yourself to give into the pure greed you felt. She was yours, and you were hers.

That feeling, that greed, was especially present now, when she was pulling you upstairs into your bedroom. To be fair, you had been all over her all day, pulling her close and kissing every bit of skin you could reach. You could tell she tried to not let it affect her, but she had her limits. Limits you knew how to push and bend, knew exactly what to do or say to get exactly what you wanted.

Once she had finally snapped and gripped your wrist firmly, pulling you along behind her, you knew you had reached your goal. You got her to fold with a few whispered words and a coy look.

From pulling you behind her to pushing you into the room and onto the bed, every moment was heating up in the most delightful way.  From her lips to her touch, you felt the flame of desire ignite and there was no extinguishing it now. Not as she climbed atop you, not when she lifted your shirt from your body, not when she kissed down your frame all the way to the flimsy material of your underwear that you were left in.

You could live in this moment forever. You could bask in the feeling of her gripping your thighs and pulling them apart, slotting herself nicely between them. 

She slid her fingers into the waistband of said flimsy panties and slid them down your legs and threw them somewhere near the door. She made quick work of diving in, licking a stripe up your core. You groaned at the feeling, her tongue circling your clit over and over.

See, you all agreed that it was fine if two of you broke off every now and then for some quality one on one time. There was no rule against just you and Lily having some fun on your own, the other two didn’t have to be there. But, there was a sort of clause to this, just don’t get caught by the other two. More importantly, don’t get caught by Regulus.

At the beginning of your relationship, you often felt guilty, excluding the other two. That was, until Regulus had you in the shower all alone, growling that if he ever caught you like this with James or Lily, you would regret it. And that intrigued you.

Ever since then, you had yet to be caught, to see exactly what you would be regretting if you were. Now, there had of course been some close calls, but you took pride in yourself for the fact that you were incredibly sneaky and mischievous.

Today, you thought it was going to be one of those times, where you were able to sneak off and not be caught, just like every other time. That was until you heard the click of the door handle and looked just in time to see James and Regulus enter the room.

You saw James’s face spark with confusion then awe as he drank in the sight of Lily on her knees in front of you, lounging on the edge of the bed. 

Regulus looked slightly different. You saw him look from you, to Lily, to the panties on the floor right in front of where he stood, then back to you. All with an unchanging expression. His eyes bore into yours, and you knew that you were fucked now.

“Lily,” you whined, trying to wiggle your hips out of her grasp, but she wouldn’t budge. You tried again, this time trying to push her away.

“I hear them,” she acknowledged. She didn’t halt her actions, if anything, it just encouraged her.

Your eyes were still locked on Regulus’s. His face still void of any shock, any emotion at all really. It was a strange contrast to James’s wide eyed stare and blushed cheeks, now the same deep pink color of his cock which was no doubt hardening beneath his jeans by the second.

With Lily’s continued ministrations, you couldn’t help the small moan that left your lips. You tipped your head back and allowed yourself to drink in the pleasure, whatever consequences be damned. Lily clearly wasn’t stopping, so why shouldn’t you continue to feel good?

You heard Regulus approach, his footsteps along with the wet sloppy noises that came from where you and Lily were attached being the only noises filling the room. He stopped just short of the side of the bed and reached to grasp your face in one of his hands, turning you to face him. You looked up at him and felt your heart rate rise in anticipation, wanting to finally find out what he had in store.

To your surprise, he just leaned down and kissed your lips. It was sweet, soft. He broke away and slid in behind you, helping to prop your body up so Lily could get better access. She took full advantage of this and flattened her tongue, adding pressure to your bud so nicely. 

Regulus again turned your face to kiss you. You craned your neck to the side in an almost uncomfortable angle to reach him. He gave you a few soft kisses before licking along your bottom lip. You opened your mouth for him, allowing his tongue to explore yours. Your tongues danced together, there was no need for a battle of dominance when you both found a rhythm.

Lily seemed to be annoyed that the attention was off of her when she was the one working so hard, so she decided to bring a finger to your entrance and circle it, collecting your wetness before pushing in ever so slightly.

You forgot Regulus, snapping your attention back to her. You met her sultry gaze staring back at you as if tempting you to look away again. You saw her tongue start kitten licking you again and you moaned out, throwing your head back against Regulus’s shoulder. He stayed firm behind you, wrapping his arms around your middle to hold you in place for Lily.

Lily took Regulus’s help and added another finger to your entrance, pumping both in and out of you, curling upwards in the way only Lily did. You lost all your senses, letting out breathless moans and praises of Lily’s name. She felt so amazing. You were becoming undone for her, getting closer and closer to your orgasm.

“You just gonna stand there, pretty boy?,” you heard Regulus’s voice from behind you, "Or are you gonna come join us?”. 

Lily halted her work on you and turned to look over her shoulder at where James still stood, your juices covering her mouth and chin. You whined, not wanting her to stop, but also looked to where your other boyfriend was.

He looked like he was in desperate need of some attention. You smirked, enjoying the fact that he could get this worked up by just watching you three. He stood, a little spacey and breathless. 

You decided to help him out and smiled sweetly at him. “C’mere Jamie, I wanna play with you.” He nodded and moved quickly to be by your side.

Lily turned back to you and winked up at you before continuing. You fought the urge to roll your eyes back, you had to be somewhat coherent for James now. You turned your attention to where the boy was struggling to undo the button on his jeans, too busy watching what Lily was doing. You took pity on him and helped him. 

His eyes flicked to you and gave you an appreciative look. He slid his jeans down his thighs leaving him in just his boxers. You reached up to wrap your hand behind his neck, pulling him into a kiss. His lips were needy against yours, eager for your touch at last. He shimmied out of his boxers and allowed his cock to be free of its restraints.

You took him in your hand, gathering his leaking precum to use as lubrication. You stroked him up and down with ease, pulling away from the kiss to allow his moans to ring through the air. Such sinful moans falling from his lips and you had only just begun touching him. 

Regulus chuckled from behind you, amused with how needy James was. Regulus seemed to reward your actions by attaching his lips to the small space under your ear and sucking, biting. There was surely to be a bright purple bruise there the next time you looked at yourself in the mirror.

Everything was getting too much for you, every action, every noise, every touch, was blending together and you were falling fast. You felt the brink of orgasm approaching. You couldn’t help but moan out, throwing your head back onto Regulus’s strong shoulder. 

Lily’s eyes shot up to yours, looking so sultry yet angelic between your legs, her tongue working her magic. She lapped you up in time with her fingers curling in just the right way, the way that only Lily understood. You were right on the edge, letting out breathless moans and chants of Lily’s name, before she suckled on your clit as her finishing move of her routine, and you were undone.

You felt every wave of pleasure as Lily worked you through your orgasm. “Good girl,” she drawled, giving you the praise she knew you wanted, Regulus doing the same by kissing your neck and shoulder sweetly. You relaxed for one moment, trying to catch your breath, before you heard a whimper beside you.

Your attention turned to the sad looking James at your side. You had forgotten his pleasure when seeking your own, and now he was pouting. You giggled, trying to compose yourself, and peeling yourself away from where Regulus and Lily had you, and crawled into James’s lap. Lily took your spot in Regulus’s lap, lounging lazily as both of them watched you and James.

Facing him, you took his face into your hands and pecked his lips. He tried to deepen the kiss again, wanting to continue where you had left off, but you cood, “Awe baby, I’m sorry. Did I forget about you?” James nodded fiercely, arms tugging you closer to him, trying to feel you everywhere. You could feel his dick so close to your bare cunt and groaned, grinding down on him to elicit the same reaction.

He whimpered and bucked his hips up into yours, dangerously close to entering you.

“Do you wanna be inside me baby? Would that make up for it?” you asked. James was almost shaking beneath you as he nodded and bucked up to meet your core again. You chuckled at his attempt to enter you, but looked to your other two lovers, just to make sure everything was alright.

Regulus had Lily in a similar position that you had just left. She was leaned up against his chest, legs spread for Regulus’s hands to work on her dripping cunt. You let out a short breathless moan at the sight. Regulus was whispering something into Lily’s ear that had her moaning and throwing her head back the same way you were just moments ago. 

James must have had enough of your inattention, because he bucked up into you once again, this time finding his mark. James slipped into you easily due to the wet mess you had become on Lily’s tongue. You both groaned out at the familiar sensation, James stretching you out and you squeezing him in the way he loves. 

Still facing him, you grabbed his face and pulled him into a fast and messy kiss. You both felt that needy desperation and melded together as you connected. James opened his mouth for you and you took advantage by licking into it. He moaned and pushed your hips down onto him even further. You threw your head back and let out a rather pornographic, attention seeking moan, putting on a performance for Regulus and Lily just as much as you were for James.

You started grinding down onto James, back and forth, as he let out soft whimpers. You moved your hips in a silent rhythm, getting James as close to his release as you could without bringing him to the edge. You moved your hips in time with his thrusts, the way you knew he liked, and let him think he was the one in control by allowing him to move your hips back and forth on his cock. He brought one hand up to cup your breast, pawing at it before taking your nipple into his mouth and suckling. You moaned and gripped his hair at the back of his head, tugging just slightly. 

You snuck a look at Lily and Regulus where he had his ring and middle fingers pumping in and out of her at a rapid pace. Lily’s face was twisted with pleasure and ecstasy, eyes screwed shut and cheeks reddening to match the color of her lovely hair. She was going to come undone soon, and you couldn’t wait to hear the beautiful noises she would make. You know that watching you and James was tipping her closer and closer to the edge.

You rocked your hips on James at the same time as Regulus’s fingers sliding in and out of Lily. You cried out, gripping James’s shoulders and squeezing with your nails, no doubt leaving tiny crescent moons indented into his skin. You knew that sent a rush of pleasure down to James cock by the way he twitched inside of you and he let out a gargled moan.

You watch as Lily’s chest heaves up and down, moaning so seductively and making you want her between your thighs again. She let out moans in quick succession, squirming in Regulus’s grasp, legs flailing and hands gripping his thighs, anything to try and get away. But Regulus was all too used to this, and had her tightly against him as he continued his assault on her cunt. Fuck you werent going to last much longer.

In out, in out, in out. You could make out the sweat lining Lily’s chest. You started bouncing on James in time to Regulus now. James whimpered and nuzzled into the crook of your neck, giving you full control without pretending now. Bouncing, bouncing bouncing, closer and closer to the edge. Regulus added his thumb to brush Lily’s clit, and it had her screaming. You nuzzled back into James and slammed your hips down onto his, clenching his cock hard and feeling him spurt into you, moaning your name over and over, kissing your neck and holding you tight into him. You felt so good, wanting, needing to continue to rock your hips onto his, but you didn’t want to overstimulate him, especially when he had been such a good boy for you. 

You didn’t have to wait for long, Regulus was pulling you off of James moments after James was completely coming down from his high. Both you and James whined at the feeling of the loss of each other. You felt the emptiness rush over you, but Regulus had a look in his eye that meant you wouldn’t have to go empty for long.

Regulus laid you down on the bed, smiling down at you. You became suddenly shy at his attention, remembering what he had said all that time ago about being caught, and now here you were, caught, and at his mercy. You were slightly scared, but you needed something, anything from Regulus. You would take the rough punishment, the unfair edging, the nerve-shattering overstimulation, anything.

 “My turn baby,” He said, kissing your clavicle and taking your right thigh and pushing it down on the bed next to your body, giving him unrestricted access to your pussy, still dripping with James release. Regulus reached down between your two bodies and spread James’s cum up and down your cunt for lubrication. You could have cum from just that alone, but he then dipped two fingers into you, curling them upwards and making your back arch, before pulling them out and using James’s cum as lubrication for himself, tugging his cock once, twice, before lining up with you.

You looked over to where James was now between Lily’s thighs, eyes glazed over from pleasure. Lily’s fingers tangled in James’s locks as she used her leverage to grind on this tongue, meeting him lick for lick.

Regulus turned your face back to him, squishing your cheeks so that your lips pouted out. He chuckled at your expression. “Eyes on me now babygirl, yeah?” he said, more like demanded.

You nodded to him, eyes not leaving his, as you felt his tip line up with your entrance. He then pushed in, so slowly. Inch by inch he pushed in until he bottomed out. You had no breath to moan or cry out. He pulled out ever so slightly before thrusting in again. You arched your chest up to meet his and he took this as a sign to speed up a little more.

Still holding your right thigh in place, he thrust into you deeper. You felt every glorious inch of him and forgot about the whole ‘being caught’ scenario… Maybe he did as well. Maybe there was no reason to worry yourself. You let yourself relax and enjoy it all.

You finally got out a strangled moan, encouraging Regulus on. He was slipping in and out so easily, so quickly, that you barely had the right state of mind to notice that James and Lily were now 69ing.

Regulus gripped your thigh with one hand and brought his other to grip your throat, stabilizing himself as he thrust even harder into you. You whimpered, half at the way he was making you feel, and half due to the moans coming from both overstimulated James and Lily.

Regulus squeezed your throat in the most delicious way that made the sides of your vision go fuzzy and all the blood go straight to your pussy. Regulus pounded into you with vigor as he saw your eyes start to roll back into your skull. He was letting out breathless sounds, the only thing close to a moan he would ever let out, while you while you completely let go, moaning and cursing, chanting his name like a sinful prayer.

“Reggie, R-Reggie.” you cried out.

He smirked down at you. “What is it baby?” he asked with fake worry. You could hear the noises that James and Lily were making and you knew you were going to cum for Regulus embarrassingly fast.

“C-could we… switch positions. P-please?” you asked as he continued pounding into you.

Wordlessly he gripped your hips and turned you so that you were on your hands and knees. He pushed down on your middle back so that your tits met the bed and your ass was perfectly on display for him. From this position, you could watch James and Lily with ease. She was on top, riding his face, her juices running down his neck and chest, his cock a deep red, ready to be played with again.

You caught Lily’s eye and for the second time tonight, she winked at you. You turned into a shy mess again, hiding your face in the sheets before you felt Regulus slide his dick up and down your slit, recoating himself to push into you. 

He lined himself up with your entrance yet again, but it was you who pushed back onto him. He let out a low groan and took your hips in his hands. He wasted no time, holding you in place as he pounded into you. You moaned so loudly that you were sure everyone down the block could hear you, but you didn’t care, his cock was too deep, he felt too good. And Lily and James sounded as if they were right there with you, feeling just as amazing. 

“Fuck James,” Lily moaned out, lazily stroking his cock while still riding his face.

Regulus continued thrusting, bending one of his legs to the side of you for better leverage, reaching new depths. You cried out broken moans holding off your orgasm as long as possible, but you couldn’t hold it for much longer.

“I, Reggie, I’m s’close,” you moaned. “Please can I cum?” you still didn’t know for sure where you stood with him, if he was going to rip away your orgasm at the last second for getting caught.

Regulus just breathed out a “Cum whenever you want baby.”

He thrust into you faster now, knowing that you were on the brink. You couldn’t stop it, everything again came crashing down on you. You screamed out, but Regulus shoved your face into the bed to muffle the sound, still fucking into you to chase his own release. 

You couldn’t catch your breath, listening to James come undone next, then Lily right along with him, her high pitched moans reverberating off the bedroom walls. 

Regulus pounded into you for a good while after you had cum, James cuddled into Lily’s lap as they both just watched you take your pleasure.

Your body felt so lifeless as Regulus used it, pounding into you like a doll. You loved it. He was close, his thrusts becoming sloppy and not as coordinated as usual. You decided to finish your performance with an encore. 

“Fuck Reggie,” you moaned out with a scratch in your voice from all the moaning and screaming. “You fill me up so good.”

You felt him twitch, gripping your hips and getting ready to spill into you.

“Merlin, you feel so good Reggie.” you coaxed, trying to get him to cross the finish line like all of you already had.

“You know how to make me feel so good, Y/N.” Regulus said, out of breath and sweat dripping down his temple as he chased his high.

You moaned once more before hitting the final nail on the coffin. “I love you Reggie.” you breathed out.

This completely broke him. He threw his head back, eyes tightly shut as he let out a whimper for you, coating your walls with his hot ropes of cum. You smiled and moaned with him, loving the fact that you got him to make such pretty noises, especially when he is the most reserved out of the four of you.

You confidently whipped around to face him, disconnecting from his cock to connect to his lips with a small peck. He smiled down at you yet again. “I love you too,” he replied softly.

You crawled to where James was laying on the bed, beat and ready to cuddle and sleep. Lily had gone to grab a few towels to wipe off with. You kissed James’s cheek and asked if he had enjoyed himself. He nodded sleepily and you giggled.

Lily took care of James while Regulus grabbed a cloth and wiped your core down for you. You told him you could do it yourself, but he insisted. 

“I thought you were going to be mad at me.” you admitted to him, breaking the comfortable silence that had built throughout the room.

“Why would I ever be mad at you babygirl?” Regulus replied to you, wiping down your thighs where he and James’s cum had mixed and dripped out.

You shrugged but said “Well because of what you said about if you ever were to catch me… I thought that you’d be mad or jealous or something.” you tried to explain.

He chuckled, folding the small towel before throwing it somewhere near the laundry. “Oh baby,” he said, “As long as I am able to join, I’m never going to be mad or jealous.” He kissed the top of your head before slotting himself behind you, spooning you. “That is, as long as I am able to join…”

“I would never not want you to join.” you said to him quickly. “I like when we all have fun.”

“Oh baby,” Lily said, crawling in behind James to spoon him just as Regulus was spooning you. “You didn’t like when it was just me and you?” she teased.

“I did!” you tried to defend yourself. “I just… I don’t want anyone to ever feel left out.”

Regulus cooed at you and kissed your cheek, cuddling into you. “Aren’t you just the sweetest thing?” Regulus said.

“She certainly is.” Lily said, licking her lips and winking at you again.

oh gosh... i will check for spelling and grammar issues tomorrow whenI am slightly more aware of my surroundings but hey, first work of 2025 done!!! please let me know if there is like a glaring issue or anything lmao. please send in asks/requests case i am SO BORED in this hospital ❤️

[thewadapan]

Maybe Nost's best story! Also his least fun. Definitely did not like reading most of it. Would recommend reading... maybe any of the others over this one?

I think with The Apocalypse of Herschel Schoen, Nost has managed to write a book which is haunted.

Stepping back a little. Herschel Schoen seems to have been conceived almost as a short story, which only happens to be as long as it is as a result of the (deliberately) belaboured and verbose prose used by all the narrators. It's much closer to The Northern Caves in this respect, which I remember as being mostly straightforward and intelligible, with only the highly-divisive ending leaving me with a dangling "??????" to grapple with. Meanwhile, with Floornight and Almost Nowhere, I often struggled to keep up with the object-level facts of what was even happening in the plot/world, and I feel like I mostly read those stories "on vibes", following them mostly in terms of their subtext.

So yeah, Herschel Schoen to me felt like it was using the "fairytale" format of being a Christmas story to streamline things as much as possible, such that both the object-level events of the story and the batshit conceptual-melting-pot subtext were more or less legible to me, despite Herschel's incredibly unreliable prose. There is a sense in which it feels like a children's story to me. It has very few characters, and those characters are extraordinarily archetypal.

So I do think Almost Nowhere retains its crown as Nost's most ambitious, most revolutionary, and most complex novel—if I say that I found Herschel Schoen "better", it's only because I feel I was able to understand it. It speaks more to my failure as a reader than anything.

In terms of my experience as a reader, it was fairly similar to that described by @recordcrash in his review. Most of the story is a fucking struggle to get through, mostly because of... the prose? The pacing? These issues are really the same issue: what few events occur in the book take ages to describe, and the fact that every recounting takes forever means that there physically isn't room to cram in more events. And as Makin Recordcrash puts it: I just don't enjoy hearing the thoughts of an unwell mind, particularly at length. All of Nost's books have it, this entirely-made-up concept which "you just wouldn't understand" but which it nevertheless will tell you about at length. There's Salby and mundum in The Northern Caves, there's Azad and the aliens in Almost Nowhere, there's whatever the metaphysics shit was in Floornight (I forgor), and this is the book that has the most of it, proportionally.

(My girlfriend bounced right off it- actually, let me use this opportunity to tell a story. When we first met, we were talking about the internet or something, and for whatever reason at one point I unironically said something like "oh yeah I read this cool novel set on a forum but you probably wouldn't have heard of it" and she just went "oh do you mean The Northern Caves?" and I briefly became convinced that she was some sort of psyop intended to oneshot me, a notion I have still not been able to shake over two years later. Point is her remark on the first two chapters of Herschel Schoen was something like "it's too Nostalgebraist for me", which I think is understandable.)

Anyway, like Makin, I struggled with most of the book, only for Chapter 21 to be so fucking good that it sort of retroactively made the rest of the book good, at least insofar as it was mostly necessary to set up such an audacious ending? Even knowing that this had been Makin's reaction, I wasn't prepared to believe it—again, usually Nost books are very much the other way around—but lo and behold, the twist is in fact very clever, very fun to read, and very aligned with my aesthetic interests.

All that said, I do feel like Makin sort of bombed through the book (by comparison, it's taken me almost two weeks to finish it), and maybe missed out on some of the more fun and interesting stuff the book is doing on a thematic level. Below, I'll try to delve into my interpretations in more detail.

I've seen a few takes from people that the main thematic throughlines of this book are a bit disconnected from one another, but to me this couldn't be further from the truth.

I identified four main themes, in descending order of prominence: "neurodivergence", "AI", "media", and "capitalism". I guess you could say "Christmas" is something of a fifth ur-theme, which dovetails into these in superficial ways:

Neurodivergence—the idea of "believing in Santa Claus" is framed as stunted development, a delusion which reveals someone to be less mature mentally than they are physically. The book is specifically concerned with contrasting dysfunctional "child" behaviour with functional "adult" behaviour, flipping these ideas on their head by having Ruth and Miriam basically lose it over the course of the story. A sister inverted. Also, the "preparations" needed to be made before Christmas morning are very much analogised with obsessive compulsions, right?

AI—like Santa Claus, something which promises to fulfil all our wishes, instantly, at the same time.

Media—particularly in terms of relations between Christianity and... secular Christmas, right? The story is very much riffing on the structure of Christmas stories specifically. To me, it feels like a world literally dreamed up based on Christmas stories. That, more than anything, is why it's set in New York, I think.

Capitalism—notions of "wanting", of meritocracy. I don't know, we all know "A Christmas Carol", I don't need to explain this one.

Like, if I had to guess at the genesis of this book, based on Nostalgebraist's comments, I feel like it's taking the starting point of "story about what if the AI doomers were right" -> "through the lens of Christmas" -> "[everything else in the story]". Of course there are tons of other influences in there, but those to me feel like the two ideas with the most explanatory power.

But even if you discount the underlying idea "Christmas", I don't think you could tell a good story about AI (in its current form) without writing about neurodivergence, media, or capitalism. If we're tasked with imagining a non-human mind, it makes sense to first imagine the most-non-human human mind, right? If we're talking about the machine's output, its facsimile of media, we have to talk about the real thing too, right? And if we're asking about the purpose of AI, what exactly it is we're trying to industrialise, what scarcity we are trying to erase, then we have to talk about capitalism as well! For me this was all perfectly obvious, I dunno.

I was pleased that I noticed many of the same things @weaselandfriends identified in his list of observations on the book. When it described the wall of doors in the living room, my mind went, "that's fucking weird!", though I didn't really think too deeply about it. The same things goes for all the anachronisms, which I think is one of the story's best gimmicks. Yes, for most of the story, they serve to create a "timeless" atmosphere, evoking all these Christmas stories at once, while simultaneously putting into doubt the reality of what Herschel and Miriam are describing.

But then, of course, with the twist, I think it's pretty hard not to read these as anything other than hallucinations conjured by the AI. And what I think is particularly brilliant is that the story at no point calls direct attention to the anachronisms as being of particular significance—you only notice them because you know enough "facts" about the real world to notice them—which naturally calls into question the elements of the story which are wholly ficticious, where there's no ground truth to compare against. Just how real are Herschel, Miriam, Ruth, anyone!? And does it even matter how real they are?

Part of the book's "magic trick", as I read it, is that both interpretations of Herschel's POV are able to coexist within the reality of the story. We can imagine that there really existed a boy perhaps called Herschel Schoen (just as we can imagine there really existed a guy called Jesus? This is silly, pretend I didn't say that) who perhaps lived in New York City and lived with some kind of delusion, perhaps regarding an Original Creation that only babies remember. Like, even this much isn't certain, perhaps Herschel is entirely hallucinated; the story is in fact preoccupied with the question of whether or not there's even any difference. Anyway, at some point, the AI apocalypse happens (I think this is one thing we can be pretty confident about), and for the AI's own purposes, Herschel is resurrected/recreated (again like Christ- disregard this aside!) in an "emended" form, where whatever changes are made mean that he is in fact right about the Original Creation and the future etc, his mind really was tampered with. The concept of "emendation" seems to me to be the biggest point in favour of the book overall believing that a substitution is not the same as the original; that the "transformation" of one shape into another does not mean it becomes the other, as its own history remains distinct (much as the "original" events of whatever happened to the "original" Herschel on the "original" Christmas Day can be said to have, in some sense, happened—and cannot, should not, be "forgotten"). But maybe these elements of the story were intended to be disparate, though, or related in some other way, and I'm just conflating them?

One of my favourite interpretations that I've seen raised in a couple of places is that Herschel's writings, with which he literally armours himself, are in fact literally protecting him against oblivion, because the AI can only learn based on the written word or recorded speech. It doesn't really matter what happens to the papers, so long as they are written at all. Herschel pours so much of himself into those papers so as to be understood, and in the end he is understood—if not by Miriam and Ruth, then by the only being he needs to be understood by: this machine. He secures his own existence, in at least some limited form, in the "Original Creation", simply through his writing. I think Herschel is the "most real" part of the story.

It's Miriam, though—the second-"most real" element—that I think makes this story haunted. It's the way she packs all those papers into a suitcase, and for the briefest of moments you can breathe a sigh of relief, that we're one step closer to understanding how this book came to be, in-universe. But immediately, it's obvious that this explains nothing, it explains less than nothing, because there are all these chapters which just don't fit, they can't be neatly contained in that suitcase. Bavitz draws direct parallels between the inexplicable frame narrative and the anachronisms, and he's absolutely right to do so. The story is often very careful about providing something which looks "quite right", at a glance, but the moment you think about it, this pit opens up under you. Something about this metatextual conceit actually makes my skin crawl.

It feels pat to say, "oh, that's because it's trying to evoke AI hallucinations". I feel like that's only part of it, because again, most of Nost's novels have this to some extent. But yeah, I think if you wanna read Herschel Schoen as a horror novel, then this is what is scary about it. Conceptually, everything with Miriam mainly recalls for me the idea of "crashes" from Almost Nowhere, which were one of the big horror elements there, the idea that the world you're walking around in is actually, imperceptibly, some kind of not-world filled with not-people. But more directly, I find myself remembering a bit from the third act of OCTO (a criminally underrated and under-discussed webnovel) where a superintelligence is trying to "resurrect" a human, and keeps putting her in increasingly-lifelike simulated "habitats" to try and create the right set of "inputs" that will make her function properly—i.e., without just like, screaming. I feel like that is what we see happen to Miriam in this book. I feel like, when the lights go out, at the end, it has nothing to do with light at all: it's more that the machine just no longer needs to simulate a world for Miriam, at all. The transmission stops. And then what becomes of her?

I think this sort of brings us to Ruth, doesn't it? A big point is made about how there's a difference between "Miriam" and "my sister, Miriam". As though in the latter, the reality of "Miriam" in the training data is watered down by all these tropes surrounding sisterhood. I mean, fuck, maybe that's where the incest stuff comes from, right? I feel like similarly, there's a reading for Ruth where the AI is first conflating these images of "a mother" with these images of "a terrorist". She acts like a fucking cartoon character for much of the book, as many of the less-well-drawn characters do, and I think that's entirely deliberate. As she draws more on the "terrorist" tropes, she stops being a "mother". And again I think this is what Nostalgebraist has always done so fucking well, in that the bullshit sci-fi allegory stuff can also just be read on an entirely character-driven level: here is a resentful, neglectful, ultimately abusive mother, here's the emotional reality of that, heightened and communicated.

I think this provides a vague stab at an explanation for the beating scene that Bavitz found so confusing. It's like the AI draws on this trope of like... the mother, in the kitchen, with the frying pan. It puts the pan in her hand. But it's not actually a frying pan, it's just the image of a frying pan. In reality, did Herschel's mother beat him? How did she beat him? Hell, maybe she didn't, maybe the AI just got so caught up in playing out the trope of the abusive parent that is gets to the point of this beating, and then just dream-logics itself to the next thing in its training data, where of course the beating never happened. I don't like that, it feels like we're gaslighting the kids here (which I think is very much the allegory intended) by saying it was just a hallucination. I think something like it happened in reality, and cannot, should not, be "forgotten". But I think the book does want you to think that its depiction does, in some way, break from reality. Hell, in much the same way that child abuse might be said to break the reality of family? Nah, that's too pat, isn't it?

I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that, ironically, I found the novel was at its best, and at its most human, when it was writing frankly about the experience of mental illness, about family, about institutions, about childhood. So what's maybe frustrating is that I'm not actually convinced Nost is capable of writing a... shall we call it a "normal" story about those things? A story with no metatextual bullshit, no sci-fi conceit, but a realist story. There are parts of all his books, where I really think that the explanation for why they are the way they are is that they are "bad on purpose", and all the bullshit is a way of turning these shortcomings into strengths. The self-effacing voice which whispers that the characters aren't sufficiently well-drawn, are too cartoonish—well, what if that was the point? What if there was a reason for that, in the story?

But honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. Straightup, if these were normal stories set in reality, I wouldn't be fucking reading them. This is a web author who's trained himself on a bunch of classic lit, and a bunch of anime or whatever, and has smooshed those influences together and rocket-fuelled the result. It's inimitable. I deeply admire just how experimental Nostalgebraist's writing is. No-one else is doing it like him.

Anyway, what else. Herschel gets described as having a "shell" at various points, and Frederick's surname is "Eggert". Is that anything?

The Apocalypse of Herschel Schoen

My fourth novel, The Apocalypse of Herschel Schoen, is now available in full.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

[kezdispenser]

Breaking Character pt11/?

Summary: You are the new cast member of 'The Boys' and you play Butcher's cousin and Soldier Boy's new love interest 'Solene'. You're introduced to the cast by the director at a dinner and you're seated next to Karl and Jensen to "bond".

Pairing: Jensen x reader

Warnings: SMUT, language, fluff, 18+, KINKS

The living room was alive with laughter as the cast huddled around the coffee table, snacks strewn everywhere, and a heated game of Pictionary underway. Jack was furiously scribbling on the notepad, his tongue sticking out in concentration, while Erin and Antony shouted wildly incorrect guesses.

“Is it...a car?” Erin yelled.

Jack groaned. “Does this look like a car?!”

“Maybe a horse?” Antony guessed, squinting at the mess of lines on the paper.

“It’s obviously a toaster,” Karl said with a straight face, making the rest of us dissolve into giggles.

Jensen sat beside me on the couch, his arm slung comfortably around my shoulders. He was terrible at hiding his amusement, his chest rumbling with soft laughter. I leaned into him, feeling that warm, easy comfort that only he could provide.

“You’re not even trying to help,” he teased, nudging me gently.

“Because this is too much fun to watch,” I replied, grinning up at him.

“You’re lucky you’re cute,” he muttered with a smirk, pressing a kiss to my temple.

The moment felt perfect. The room was filled with the kind of joy that made everything else fade away—the drama, the stress, all of it.

But then my mind wandered, unbidden, to a conversation Jensen and I had just days ago.

-

“I’m done, Jensen,” I had said, pacing the length of our hotel room.

He was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching me with a calm that only made my frustration grow. “Done with what?”

“My manager,” I snapped, spinning to face him. “I’m done with the constant criticism, the pressure, the...the bullshit.”

He stood and walked over to me, his hands resting gently on my shoulders. “You don’t have to put up with that, Y/N.”

“I know,” I said, my voice softening. “That’s why I’m firing him.”

Jensen’s lips quirked into a small, proud smile. “About damn time.”

“I just...” I hesitated, glancing down. “What if it backfires? What if—”

“No.” His voice was firm, cutting through my doubts. “You’re not doing anything wrong. If someone in your corner isn’t supporting you, they don’t deserve to be there. Period.”

I exhaled slowly, feeling the weight of his words settle over me. “You make it sound so simple.”

“Because it is,” he said, cupping my face in his hands. “You deserve better, and if firing that asshole is what it takes, then do it. I’ll be here no matter what.”

-

“Earth to Y/N!” Erin’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

“Huh?” I blinked, realizing everyone was staring at me.

“It’s your turn!” she said, holding out the notepad and pen.

Jensen chuckled, giving my shoulder a squeeze. “Good luck, sweetheart.”

I groaned but took the pen, determined to draw something only slightly better than Jack’s unrecognizable toaster—or horse, or whatever it was.

The night carried on in the same playful, lighthearted spirit, the memory of my decision to fire my manager leaving me with a quiet sense of empowerment. For the first time in a long time, I felt free.

The house was still and quiet as we stepped inside, the only sound the faint click of the door locking behind us. Jensen turned to look at me, a soft smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He tossed his keys onto the counter, his movements unhurried but deliberate.

“Feels weird without the kids here, huh?” I said, kicking off my shoes and letting out a long sigh as I sank onto the couch.

“A little,” he admitted, his voice low and easy, “but I’m not complaining.”

He crossed the room toward me, his strides purposeful. His eyes had that familiar gleam, the one that always made my heart race. When he reached me, he crouched in front of the couch, his hands resting on my knees.

“You’re too far away,” he murmured, his voice tinged with mischief.

“I’m right here,” I replied, trying to keep my tone steady, but his touch had me unraveling already.

“Not close enough,” he countered, slipping his hands under mine and tugging me gently forward until I was perched on the edge of the couch, our faces just inches apart.

He kissed me then, slow and deep, one hand sliding to the back of my neck while the other rested on my thigh. There was nothing hurried about it—just the deliberate, intoxicating way he always made me feel like I was the only thing in the world that mattered.

When he finally pulled back, his forehead rested against mine, his breath warm against my skin. “You’re incredible, you know that?”

I laughed softly, my hands curling into the front of his shirt. “You’ve mentioned it a few times.”

“I don’t say it enough,” he said, his tone turning serious as his fingers traced idle patterns on my leg. “You’re everything to me.”

The intensity in his words had my chest tightening, my throat threatening to close up with the weight of emotion.

“Jensen…” I started, but his name barely made it past my lips before his hands began to wander.

Jensen leaned back, his arm draped casually over the back of the couch, but his eyes were anything but casual. They were filled with a mix of desire and mischief as he watched you, his gaze lingering on your chest.

“You know,” he said, a playful smirk tugging at his lips, “I’ve always had a thing for… well, let’s just say I appreciate a good pair.”

You raised an eyebrow, a teasing smile forming on your lips. “Is that so? What do you appreciate about them?”

He leaned forward, his voice dropping to a low, sultry tone. “Everything. The way they look, the way they feel… and the way they drive me absolutely wild.”

You felt a rush of heat at his words, your heart racing. “Maybe I should give you a better view then,” you suggested, your voice playful yet inviting.

Jensen’s eyes darkened with desire as you slowly lifted your shirt, revealing your bare skin. His breath hitched, and you could see the hunger in his gaze as he took in the sight of you.

“Damn,” he breathed, his voice thick with lust. “You’re stunning.”

He shifted closer, his hands finding your waist, fingers brushing against your skin as he pulled you toward him. You could feel the warmth radiating from his body, and it sent shivers down your spine.

“Can I?” he asked, his eyes flicking to your chest, a mix of eagerness and respect in his gaze.

“Please,” you whispered, your heart racing with anticipation.

With a swift motion, he leaned down, his mouth capturing one of your breasts. His tongue swirled around your nipple, and a moan escaped your lips as pleasure coursed through you. Jensen’s hands roamed, squeezing and kneading your other breast, his touch firm yet gentle.

“God, you’re perfect,” he murmured against your skin, his breath hot and tantalizing.

You tangled your fingers in his hair, pulling him closer as he lavished attention on you. The world outside faded away, leaving just the two of you in this moment of pure bliss.

“Jensen,” you gasped, the sensation overwhelming. “I need more.”

He looked up at you, his eyes dark with lust. “You got it, babe.”

With that, he shifted, positioning you so that you were lying back against the couch, your body arching toward him. He took a moment to admire you, his gaze filled with hunger. Then, he leaned down, his mouth finding yours in a passionate kiss, igniting a fire within you that you never wanted to extinguish.

As he kissed you, his hands continued to explore, tracing the curves of your body, his fingers brushing against your breasts, teasing and tantalizing. You could feel the heat pooling in your core, and you wanted nothing more than to feel him closer.

“Jensen,” you breathed, your voice a mix of urgency and desire. “I want you.”

He pulled back slightly, his eyes searching yours. “Are you sure?”

You nodded, your heart racing. “I’ve never been more sure of anything.”

With a wicked grin, he leaned back down, his mouth capturing your breast once more, his tongue flicking and teasing as he lost himself in the moment. You could feel the heat building between you, the world outside forgotten as you surrendered to the pleasure he was giving you.

Jensen’s mouth moved with a fervor that sent waves of pleasure coursing through you. He lavished attention on your breasts, his tongue swirling and teasing, while his hands explored the curves of your body. You could feel the heat pooling in your core, a desperate need building within you.

“Jensen,” you gasped, arching your back as he took your nipple into his mouth, sucking gently. “I need you… please.”

He pulled back, his eyes dark with desire, a smirk playing on his lips. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this,” he said, his voice low and gravelly. “You’re driving me insane.”

With that, he shifted his position, kneeling on the couch beside you. He took a moment to admire you, his gaze roaming over your body, drinking in every curve. You felt exposed yet empowered under his scrutiny, the heat of his gaze igniting a fire within you.

“Let me show you just how much I appreciate you,” he said, his voice thick with lust.

He leaned down, his mouth trailing kisses down your stomach, his hands gripping your thighs as he pushed them apart. You gasped, your breath hitching in your throat as he settled between your legs, his eyes locking onto yours.

“Jensen,” you breathed, your heart racing with anticipation.

He didn’t respond with words; instead, he leaned in, his mouth finding the sensitive skin between your thighs. A moan escaped your lips as his tongue flicked against you, teasing and exploring. The sensation was electric, sending shockwaves of pleasure through your body.

“God, you taste amazing,” he murmured against you, his breath hot against your skin.

You tangled your fingers in his hair, urging him closer as he continued to work his magic. He was relentless, his tongue swirling and teasing, driving you closer to the edge. You could feel the heat building, the pressure mounting as he expertly brought you closer and closer to the brink.

“Jensen, I’m so close,” you gasped, your body trembling with need.

He looked up at you, his eyes dark and filled with desire. “I want to feel you come for me,” he said, his voice low and sultry.

With renewed vigor, he focused on your clit, his tongue flicking and teasing in a way that sent you spiraling over the edge. You cried out, your body arching as waves of pleasure washed over you, leaving you breathless and trembling.

As you came down from your high, Jensen crawled back up your body, his lips finding yours in a heated kiss. You could taste yourself on his lips, and it only fueled the fire within you.

“Now, it’s my turn,” he said, his voice thick with desire as he reached for the hem of his shirt, pulling it over his head to reveal his chiseled chest. You couldn’t help but admire him, your hands roaming over his body, feeling the hard muscles beneath your fingertips.

He leaned down, capturing your lips once more, his hands gripping your waist as he positioned himself between your legs. You could feel the heat radiating from him, the tension building as he pressed against you.

“Are you ready?” he asked, his voice low and filled with need.

You nodded, your heart racing with anticipation. “Yes, Jensen. I want you.”

With a primal growl, he pushed inside you, filling you completely. A moan escaped your lips as you felt him stretch you, the sensation overwhelming. He paused for a moment, letting you adjust to his size, his eyes locked onto yours.

“God, you feel incredible,” he murmured, his voice thick with desire.

He began to move, his thrusts slow and deliberate at first, but the urgency quickly built as he lost himself in the moment. You could feel every inch of him, the heat and intensity building with each thrust.

“Jensen,” you gasped, your nails digging into his back as he picked up the pace. “Harder… please.”

He obliged, his thrusts becoming more frantic, the sound of skin slapping against skin filling the room. You could feel the heat pooling in your core once more, the pressure building as he drove you closer to the edge.

“Let go for me,” he urged, his breath hot against your ear. “I want to feel you come around me.”

With a final thrust, you felt the wave of pleasure crash over you, your body trembling as you cried out his name. Jensen followed closely behind, his thrusts becoming erratic as he found his release, filling you completely.

As you both came down from your highs, he collapsed beside you, pulling you into his arms. You could feel the warmth radiating from him, the afterglow wrapping around you like a comforting blanket.

“Damn,” he said, satisfied.

---------------------------------

A/N: Hey you guys, I'm back, I hope you guys had fun during the holidays, idk if I'm back to posting regularly but I can try.

@justwhisperingfantasies @impala67rollingthroughtown @deansimpalababy @jackles010378 @winchester @barnes70stark @nancymcl @oceean @spnaquakindgdom @ladysparkles78 @sexyvixen7 @spxideyver @stoneyggirl2 @star-yawnznn @quietgirll75 @iloveeveryoneyoureamazing

[rey-jake-therapist]

Crazy thought maybe, but what if finals 'Glambrand' was a foreshadowing of the look that Sauron will have in season 3? 👀

I know most of TROP fans want Sauron to create another persona and to have another change of look. It wouldn't make sense for him to remain Annatar to meet the "kings of men" who will take the Nine rings of power, so he'll probably turn into a man again. But as much as I'd like to see Sauron with red hair from a purely esthetic point of view, TROP-canon wise I don't really see why he would bother transforming again, while a connection has already been established between him, the ex Southlands now Mordor, and Numenor...

I just don't believe that the "king of the Southlands" plot was created only for the sake of showing Sauron deceiving Galadriel tbh. I also don't think that Sauron asked Adar to "let his people go" only to deceive him into thinking he was just a good king who cared for his people. I still believe he had another agenda, like reminding the Southlanders that he was still alive, and making them root for him.

I mean, imho he influenced Adar into releasing them. Adar's first reaction to Halbrand!Sauron's proposal was "I will torture you until you tell me everything I want to hear and beg me to kill you", basically. Adar had no intention of freeing these people, he didn't take this little man seriously.

But finally, what happened? Adar didn't even try to torture Halbrand!Sauron (I don't think we can count Waldreg's pathetic power trips as 'torture', and it wasn't done on Adar's orders), he went straight to him and told him his people were free. What changed, if not that Sauron messed with Adar's mind and influenced him into doing what he wanted? Like he did through all season 2: until he wore Nenya, Adar was doing Sauron's bidding without being aware of it.

Between the scene where Waldreg mistreats Sauron for fun (which is hilarious considering that his goal always had been to serve Sauron, not Adar uh uh) and the scene where Adar visits Halbrand!Sauron, we see Adar filmed from behind, standing and hearing Waldreg beating him up, apparently deep in his thoughts. I think Sauron felt/saw his presence outside and established a connection with him.

Let's not forget what Gil-Galad told Galadriel in the following episode: "once the Deceiver obtains a being's trust, he gains the ability to sculpt their very thoughts. To deceive not only their heart and mind, but their eyes and ears. To alter their very reality. You have already been affected once." (a foreshadowing for a struggle that we didn't see Galadriel face yet, by the way. Sauron didn't try to do that to her at any point during season 2, not even during the finals). Adar was already affected by Sauron as well, the connection they have is undeniable.

And why would Sauron want Adar's slaves to be freed? There's no way he genuinely cares for these people, hence why I suspect it was part of a larger plan...

As Halbrand, Sauron's already considered as "king of the Southlands": he's just got one more extra step to claim himself as "King of Men", after distributing the Nine rings of power like candies to the "good people" of his choice (men he can easily corrupt), which would connect TROP with the lore.

"[...] and [Sauron] had taken now the title of King of Men [...]" —The Silmarillion, Akallabêth"

It will piss off Ar-Pharazon, who will sail to Mordor with his armies, seemingly capture Sauron and take him to Numenor as a 'prisoner'. Sauron being the sneaky little shit he is, he will of course turn the tide in his favor. That won't happen before the end of season 3 or early season 4, imho.

Master and god of most of the Men in Middle-earth in the Second Age,[1] Sauron styled himself as "King of Men",[2] encouraging a cult of fear and worship among his subjects.[3] Later, Ar-Pharazôn arose seeking to supplant Sauron as ruler of all Men, After seemingly humbling Sauron, Ar-Pharazôn claimed the mantle of "King of Men" upon returning to Númenor, though in truth "Sauron ruled all from behind the throne". Ar-Pharazôn continued to formally hold onto the title until his fall.[2]

Why wouldn't he take another form to do all that? To me the real question is, "why would he?"... Because in the lore, it's said he has a new appearance and calls himself by other names? It's a fair point, no doubt, but TROP has established its own canon. There's no 'Halbrand' in the books; Sauron was never crowned "king of the Southlans", and he probably never met Galadriel before he went to Eregion. And he of course didn't get access to Celebrimbor thanks to her either. That's why I'm not convinced that they'll follow the book lore in this regard, while they have this Halbrand personal who already established a connection with Ar Pharazon (who knows he's Sauron thanks to the Palantir).

If I suggested at the beginning of this post that he could go back as Glambrand and not just as Halbrand, it's because in the books he's described as "wise and fair", when he claims himself "king of Men". Halbrand didn't look "wise", but I think Glambrand could do the trick.

This if of course pure speculation from my part. Feel free to bring another point of view!

[frozenjokes]

a new moon in the sun’s lonely system

convex week day 1 - sun/moon - next

Cub had always been sensitive to changes in temperature, he chilled easily, and he didn’t very much like company for a multitude of reasons, but it appeared today was his unlucky day.

It was cold. There was a moon around, maybe more than one. They had a pulsing sort of presence, fighting the heat of Cub’s star, and though ultimately dwarfed by it, a moon still left their mark. Well, whatever it wanted with him, it certainly wouldn’t find Cub just wandering around. Their silver frost stood out like a lone star in Cub’s domain, while Cub’s fiery orange blended right in with the rest of the landscape. Not to mention the cold. It wasn’t long before Cub found the inquiring soul.

“Hello-“ Cub didn’t even get to finish before the moon startled, yelling in a display of fright that was so exaggerated it couldn’t have been genuine. Cub pursed his lips, waiting for the moon to collect itself. He did not want to risk speaking lest the entity screamed again; Cub did not like the sudden noise.

“Well- Well hello there! Goodness gracious, you snuck up on me! I thought I was a goner!”

“Unless there are any new moon-eating predators roaming the skyscape today, I don’t think it’s untrue to say you don’t have anything to worry about.” Cub had to squint against the moon’s light, rather, his own light reflected back at him. Why was this one so bright? Cub didn’t think he recognized it, but with nearly three hundred in the system, who knew. Cub only remembered the names of the particularly annoying ones.

The moon laughed like Cub had said something legitimately funny, and it didn’t seem disingenuous, but still Cub felt his own walls climbing higher.

“Oh, this is great! I’m so relieved, I’ve heard bad things about- nevermind, you just seem like a perfectly nice guy! I’m Scar, newly promoted moon, and I thought I ought to trek out here and introduce myself!”

Ah, this made sense now. Moons didn’t typically come around to introduce themselves, even after recent promotions, but some were simply drawn to the sun. Or married to formalities, Cub supposed. Politely, Cub ignored that first comment, for the most part at least. He had a reputation to keep up. “You already know my name, then.”

“I do, but I’d love if you introduced yourself regardless!” Ah, married to formalities then.

“Well, if you intend on sharing all the boring, gory details of this encounter with your fellows, you can call me Cub.”

“Unfortunately, Cub, I have no fellows of which to share this with!” Scar’s voice took on an odd lilt, and Cub thought for a moment he might be making fun of him until the moon swiftly continued, “All alone, I'm afraid. A real shame! But it’s an important job, big deal, big deal, there’s all sorts of life down there on Earth that depends on me doing my thing!”

Cub made a valiant effort not to scoff, though given the light in his eyes, he was likely already scowling. The Earth moons were always the most obnoxious. Cub would miss the last one; she almost never visited, and what a reprieve that was, good grief.

Cub had nothing nice to say, so he said nothing. Scar seemed like he quite expected Cub to say something with that wide, wanting stare, but Cub didn’t want to say anything, he wanted Scar to go away and his sun to return to its proper temperature, he wanted to be alone, however, for a moon who had taken up one of the loneliest jobs in Cub’s system, Scar did not seem to share this ideal. A bad sign. A desire for company and an ego larger than Cub’s sun made for a disastrous combination in Cub’s quarters. If this moon was planning on bothering Cub often, he was going to have to start falling back on old tactics (hiding).

“You know, I don’t think you’re an asshole, you’re just like, really awkward.”

Cub blinked at him, slow, unthinking. “You’re mistaken.”

“No, you’re definitely awkward.”

“I’m mean.”

“No you’re not.”

“Yes I am.”

“You’re not, really, you’re not,”

“I am mean!”

“You’re almost nice!”

“I am not nice!”

[misscammiedawn]

As the Charmed hypnosis convention nears I have been attempting to practice my hypno-theory. Being with regular partners and working on their minds for elongated periods of time makes it so a tone of voice or a sharp look are enough to skip a structured induction.

But if I am to continue being an educator in the space (The panel we are on, Hypnokink and Plurality, is scheduled for the afternoon of Thursday January 23rd and is available at the event and streamed online) then I should be stretching myself a little more to have things to discuss when I go back to doing classes on inductions (Hypnotic Presence returns for Beguiled).

Hypnosis is a level of focus and dissociation. An altered state where the mind is no longer actively processing things and allows for a breakdown in critical thinking as well as a heightened sense of suggestibility. It's not mind control, it's just putting a person into a state where they are more open, biddable and agreeable which, when added to disconnection from active processing, allows a suggestible person to experience some things or to create some associations which can be used for fun.

One of the more popular starter inductions is the Ericksonian "my hand/that hand" method in which the hypnotee stares at their hand and focuses on it and as their attention becomes more guided towards their hand the hypnotist describes it as that hand. Heightening the disconnect between the person and their own body. It's an effective induction because it focuses more on the physical sensation which is a convincer. The experiences that the hypnotee experiences help convince them that it's working because they can experience the sensations and agree that the disconnect is happening.

We decided to try that on one of our partners this weekend with a twist. She is a kinesthetic type. Which means that she processes things via touch primarily. When hypnotizing a person of this modality you typically wish to describe things in terms of feeling, rather than what other senses perceive.

I wanted to try a visual fixation induction.

So I hand her go into trance and started with a kinesthetic version. Following the Ericksonian method but instead of looking at that hand, I had her stroke her blanket and focus on the sensation until it become a meaningless sensation and she could no longer feel as her finger continued stroking the blanket over and over. I convinced her it was soft and fuzzy like her thoughts and that her wrist was so heavy and could fall when she was too exhausted to keep it up. She mentioned later that she was too focused on the sensation to process the things I said, but she remembers the soft and fuzzy feeling of the blanket spreading into her mind.

After her wrist fell and her hand felt completely detatched I took control of it and allowed her to feel me maneuver the hand above her and extend the finger, focus on the visual and then began to run a relaxation induction as she focused on the finger and let everything else fade away until it was only the sight of her finger; even my words were not something she needed to fully process and as I guided her finger closer she kept staring and kept sinking until I asked her to press that finger to her forehead and then magnetized her finger to pull any remaining thoughts from her head until she dropped.

Honestly. I could have achieved everything I did with that trance so much quicker and with less ceremony... but it's good to practice. It's good to ensure that skills don't go rusty. That you're training all available modalities and so that you, as a hypnotist, can remember that this doesn't just work because the hypnotee agrees to do the things you say.

I forgot how much I enjoyed doing the slow and methodical method. She told me that she enjoyed it just as much and that she was "less coherent than a puddle" by the end of it.

I should do it more often.

[pinkskiessss]

LACY - chapter 5

Paige Bueckers x oc

Warnings: internalized homophobia, mature content

A/N: I feel like alot of the last few chapters have been about Layla really struggling with coming to terms with identity/sexuality. Which I wanted to write because I wanted to show the process of really coming to terms with being queer and how it isn’t just something you immediately accept in one night, based on my own experiences personally ofc. So with that being said, I hope someone else can find comfort in her character or relates. (Also forgot to write this in, but for anyone wondering, Layla has been involved “romantically” with guys in the past, but I think it’s just a realization now for her that it was like a cover up for who she actually is, because she’s feeling emotions she’s never felt towards a man, towards a woman if that makes sense. Basically she’s gay lol hope this helps! Which like same girl) Anywayssss sorry for the rant, enjoy loves!

—

When I woke up, the first thing I noticed was the folded note on my bedside table.

I hope you feel better. Text me when you get up.

I exhaled slowly, the events of last night still swirling in my mind. Her low voice, her subtle touches—it made my skin crawl, the way I feel when she touches me. Even if it’s only for a second. The way it made something stir inside me that I couldn’t ignore, but couldn’t accept either.

I grabbed my phone and texted her, my fingers shaking slightly.

Me: Hey, I just woke up. Thanks for taking care of me last night. I’m sorry for being such a mess.

Her reply came quickly, almost like she’d been waiting for me.

Paige: Don’t trip. You’re good. Seriously.

Paige: You feeling better?

Me: Yeah, a little. Thanks again.

There was a short pause before her next message came through.

Paige: Can we talk? In person, if you’re not busy?

I hesitated, biting my lip. I didn’t want to see her, not right now. I’d rather save myself the embarrassment. But I couldn’t avoid it forever.

Me: Sure. You can come over if you want. I’m heading to the gym soon to practice, though.

Paige: Volleyball grind? Big game coming up, right?

Me: Yeah, it’s the regional final this weekend. If we win, we’re in the Final Four.

Paige: No pressure or anything

Me: Tell me about it lol

Paige: Can I come practice with you for fun cause why not? I won’t distract you to much I swear.

I couldn’t help but smile at the thought of her trying to play volleyball.

Me: Ok sure, if you insistttt

When Paige arrived, she was dressed in basketball shorts and a black tee, her hair pulled into a messy bun. Somehow she always looks perfect like all the time. It’s crazy actually.

—

We set up the net, and Paige was already messing around with the volleyball like she had no idea what she was doing. I tossed her the ball.

“Alright, ready?” I asked.

She caught it but didn’t seem to know what to do next. “Uh, sure. Can’t be too hard.”

Her first attempt was… not great to say the least. The ball went flying across the gym, and she just stood there, looking at it like it had betrayed her.

“Okay, so let’s just act like you didn’t see that,” she said, laughing at herself.

I couldn’t help but laugh too, the tension easing just a little. “Maybe try not to hit it like you’re dunking a basketball.”

“Yo I didn’t sign up for this kind of slander, not to much on me,” she said with a grin. “But fine, I’ll try again.”

We kept going, and she got a little better—or at least, less terrible. But I couldn’t focus. My mind kept drifting back to last night, what I asked her in a drunken haze. How awkward it feels that I got drunk and slipped into a vulnerable state where I felt comfortable enough to ask her how she knew she was gay. Like come on Layla, why do you always have to make shit weird.

I tried to push it out of my mind, but when she stood beside me, her shoulder brushing mine as we took a break, I felt a knot tighten in my stomach. The kind of knot that made me want to run. To escape this feeling.

“Layla,” Paige said softly, breaking the silence. “You okay?”

I glanced at her, swallowing hard. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

She didn’t seem convinced. She took a step closer, her eyes searching mine. “You sure? You don’t have to pretend everything’s fine if it’s not, you know this.”

I shook my head, looking down at the ground. “I don’t know what to think anymore, Paige. I don’t even know why I asked you what I did. It just… felt like something I needed to say. I was really drunk and confused I guess. But now, I just feel… weird.”

Paige’s expression shifted, a flicker of something defensive in her eyes. “Weird how?”

I was silent, except for the sound of my breath, heavy and uneven. I could feel the weight of Paige’s words pressing down on me, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something inside me was breaking. I didn’t know how to fix it.

“I just don’t get it, Layla,” Paige said, her voice a little shaky but firm. “Why are choosing to continuously hurt yourself by denying the facts.”

“I’m not. I just—” I paused, struggling to find the right words. “I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want people to look at me like it’s all they see when I play. I don’t want to be judged. People already say enough disgusting stuff online about queer people. Imagine what they would say if they found out an athlete they looked up to secretly liked the same gender. It would hurt my career so much if people found out Paige, you don’t get it.”

Paige’s face tightened, her blue eyes flashing with anger. “What the hell, Layla? Are you seriously forgetting that I’m gay myself? I would get it. People speculate about my sexuality all the time, and yeah, it’s obvious. Everyone knows it. Sure, there’s a small percentage of people who hate on me for it, and I see it. But if I let that control my life, I’d be a pretty shitty person. People always have their opinions, and most of them are garbage, but you can’t let them define how you see yourself. You’re letting people on the internet make you think you’re wrong for feeling how you feel. It’s fucking ridiculous.”

I flinched at her words, the anger in her voice cutting deeper than I expected. I didn’t answer, my heart pounding in my chest. She was right. She knew exactly what it was like to feel out of place. But I couldn’t help the way I felt.

“I’m sorry,” Paige says quietly, her voice suddenly soft, regret seeping into her tone. “I shouldn’t have said that the way I did at all. I shouldn’t have gotten that mad, I just hate hearing you talk about yourself like that.”

My hands were shaking now, and I wiped at my eyes, feeling the tears I’d been holding back start to fall. I couldn’t stop them. I couldn’t stop any of it.

Paige saw me crying, and her expression softened instantly. She stepped forward, reaching out to gently grab my arms, pulling them away from my face. “Layla, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have let it get that far. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

I looked up at her, my chest tight. “It’s not you, I just don’t know what to do, Paige. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know how to make this go away.”

Paige’s eyes softened as she held my arms. “You don’t have to make it go away, Layla. You don’t have to figure it out right now. But please, don’t hate yourself for it. You’re not disgusting, or weird. You’re… you’re perfect just the way you are.”

Her words hit me like a wave, and for the first time, I felt like I could breathe. Like maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t as lost as I thought.

“I really care for you,” Paige continued, her voice low and sincere. Hearing you talk about yourself like that—it hurts me. It hurts to see you think you’re not worth it. You are. You really are.”

My heart skipped a beat, and I felt a surge of warmth in my chest. I stepped closer to her, not sure what I was doing but knowing I needed to be near her. “I’m sorry, too,” I whispered, my voice trembling. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like that.”

She smiled softly, her hand brushing against my cheek. “You don’t need to apologize. I just want you to know you’re not alone in this. I’m here. I’ll always be here.”

I felt a pull in my chest, an undeniable connection that I couldn’t ignore. I leaned in slightly, my breath catching in my throat. I was close enough to feel the warmth of her skin, to see the way her blue eyes softened, the way her pink lips parted just slightly. My heart raced, the air thick with unspoken words, with everything we hadn’t said yet.

For a moment, everything seemed to stop. The world around us faded, leaving just the two of us in this fragile, suspended moment. I could hear the soft sound of her breathing, the way it matched mine, both of us caught in the tension that had been building between us.

I barely registered that I was moving closer until our noses were almost touching, the smallest breath between us. I could feel the heat of her body against mine, the way her cologne lingered in the air, intoxicating and all-consuming. I could feel the pull, stronger now, undeniable, and it was like something inside me snapped.

I couldn’t stop myself. I leaned in, closing the space between us, and my lips brushed against hers in the softest kiss. It was tentative at first, a question, a hesitation, but it felt right. Her lips were warm and inviting, soft as velvet, and I couldn’t help but press into her, deepening the kiss just slightly, my hands finding their way to her neck, pulling her closer.

Her lips moved against mine with a gentle pressure, and I responded instinctively, my body leaning into hers, craving more. There was no fear, no doubt. Just the rush of the moment, the way her touch made everything else fade away. It felt right.

But then, just as quickly as it started, I pulled away, breathless, my chest heaving. I looked at her, my heart pounding in my ears, and I saw the same intensity reflected in her eyes.

“Paige,” I whispered, my voice shaky. “I—”

She didn’t give me a chance to finish. Before I could say another word, she pulled me back to her, her lips crashing against mine with a hunger that took me by surprise. This time, there was no hesitation, no softness. Her hands were on my waist, pulling me even closer, and I could feel the urgency in her kiss, the way she needed me as much as I needed her.

I kissed her back with everything I had, my hands threading through her hair, pulling her even closer, if that was even possible. I could feel the heat between us, the way our bodies pressed together, desperate to feel more. It was a kiss that left no room for doubt, no space for anything but the raw, overwhelming undeniable connection between us.

—

Taglist:

@unadulteratedcyclepaper

[phantasmatoucan]

Can I ask whoever designs the voices (I think owl) how they came up with there designs?

HEY MOD OWL HERE, I THINK ILL PUT THIS IN A READMORE BC ITS GONNA BE LONG

FOR ALL OF THEM I HAD WIDELY DIFFERENT IDEAS BUT FOR MOST I HAD SOMETHING SPECIFIC IN MIND BE IT A THING OR A SYMBOL

HERO: FOR HIM I HAD OFC A KNIGHT IN MIND I WAS GONNA GIVE HIM A FULL HELMET BUT I WANTED FOR HIS EXPRESSIONS TO BE SEEN SINCE HES A VERY EXPRESSIVE PERSON IN GENERAL, I MANTAINED HIS EYES UNSEEN THO SINCE HERO IS ALWAYS SOMEONE WHO WILL FOLLOW THE DECIDER BLINDLY AND ONLY AT THE END IS WHEN HES FINALLY ABLE TO REACH HIS FULL POTENTIAL [which is if i did a drawing of one of the ends, heros visor would be lifted up] ALSO HES THE MOST HUMAN LOOKING SINCE THE LONG QUIET PROBABLY HAS A VAGUE IDEA OF WHAT A HERO LOOKS LIKE BUT HE PROBABLY THOUGHT IT LOOKS SIMILAR TO THE PRINCESS

SMITTEN: HEARTS, THATS BASICALLY ALL I HAD IN MIND FOR HIM, I LOVE DESIGNING CHARACTERS WITH HEART MOTIFS SINCE ITS FUN TO MESS AROUND WITH THAT [keep it simple or making it a bit more goreish] I WANTED HIM TO BE ROUND AND FRIENDLY SHAPED, THE HAT CAME FROM OLD ROMEO AND JULIET CLOTHES THAT I SAW IN IMAGES AND THE CLOTHES ARE MORE FROM OLD TIMEY BARDS, I HAD THOUGHT OF MAKING HIM A PEACOCK AT FIRST BUT DECIDED I PREFFER HIM LOOKING MORE LIKE A PIDGEON SINCE THEYRE MORE ROUNDER AND ARE MORE COMMON BIRDS THAT PEOPLE SEE EVERYWHERE, THEY APPROACH HUMANS MUCH MORE EASILY AS WELL

SKEPTIC: I WANTED TO GIVE HIM LIKE A DETECTIVE SHERLOCK HOLMES KIND OF FEEL, BUT WHEN I HEARD HIM MORE HE FELT MORE LIKE A NOIR DETECTIVE THAN THAT SO THE FEELING FOR HIM CHANGED [also fun fact his clothes are based on inspector gadget lol] HIS WINGS POINT DOWNWARDS SINCE I WANTED HIS SILHOUETTE TO FEEL MORE HOURGLASSISH FOR HIM, THE OWL PART CAME FROM THE FACT THAT MOST OF THE OWLS IVE SEEN IN MEDIA ARE STUDIOUS CHRACTERS OR ATLEAST TRYING TO LEARN SOMETHING, IN GENERAL I FEEL THE VYBE OF OWLS ARE VERY CURIOUS CREATURES SO I GAVE IT TO SKEPTIC WHO IS THE MOST INQUISITIVE CHARACTER OF THEM ALL

COLD: HARDEST TO GET DOWN I HAD A GRIMM REAPER IN MIND, WITH HIS COLD PERSONALITY, I WANTED HIM TO BE ONE OF THE TALLEST ONE AS WELL FOR HIM TO BE A LITTLE SPINDLY LOOKING, HIS HAS A LONG CLOAK AND WANT HIM TO BE COMPLETLY COVERED IN CLOATHING SINCE HES VERY MUCH CLOSED HIMSELF SO HE CAN BE UNFEELING AND DON'T FEEL ANY PAINT, THE ONLY OTHER PARTS THAT ARE VISIBLE APART FROM HIS FACE IS HIS ARMS WHICH HAVE LONG PLUMAGES SO IT LOOKS LIKE SLEEVES, AND HIS HANDS ARE LONGER AND MORE HUMAN LOOKING AND COMPLETLY WHITE [hard to notice since i draw them all in black in white lol] SO IT LOOKS LIKE SKELETON HANDS

OPPORTUSNIST: SINCE WE HAD AN IDEA OF WHAT HIS FACE LOOKED LIKE I WANTED TO GIVE HIM A BIG BIG SMILE FIRST WITH HIS LONG BEAK, I ALSO WANTED HIS CLOTHES TO BE VER FORMAL [so i went to look for tumblr sexy man clothes lmao] WITH HIS SLEEVES UP, SO THAT HE LOOKS LIKE HE MEANS BUSSINESS, HIS TAIL IS LONG AND DRAGS BEHIND HIM TO LOOK LIKE A LONG OVERCOAT, HIS WINGS ARE ALSO BIG AS WELL [atleast bigger than most of the voices] SO THAT HE TAKES A BIT MORE SPACE IN THE ROOM, I WANTED FOR HIM TO BE SOFFOCATING AND INTOXICATING TO LOOK AT lol, HES ALSO VERY FLUFFY WHICH IS MORE NOTICIBLE ON HIS NECK, SO THAT HE APPEARS A BIT MORE HARMLESS [under his regular clothes hes very fluffy as well] TO ALURE A SENSE OF FRIENDLINESS THAT CONTRAST THE REST OF HIMSELF LMAO

HUNTED: HARE WITH BUNNY, LITERALLY MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS A BIT OF A LLONG HARE WITH BIRD LIKE FEATURES, I WAS DEBATING IF GIVING HIM A SNOUT OR A BEAK WAS A GOOD IDEA BUT I WENT WITH THE SNOUT SINCE IT MAKES HIM MORE DISTINCT TO THE OTHERS [he also has sharp teeth like stubborn but theyre mostly barely visible since he usually doesnt open his mouth too much unless threatend] THE BANDAGES COMES FROM THE FACT THAT I WANTED ALL OF THE VOICES TO HAVE SOME TYPE OF CLOATHING THAT DEFIND THEM, BUT SINCE HUNTED WOULD HAVE NO CLOTHES I WENT WITH SOMETHING LESS NOTICIBLE

CHEATED: DISHEVELED LOOKING BIRD I WAANTED FOR HIM TO LOOK LIKE HE JUST GOT OUT OF A CAR CRASH SO THATS WHY HE HAS A LOT OF BANDAGES, I THINK I MAY CHANGE THINGS ON HIM TO SINCE I WANTED FOR HIM TO HAVE A SCAR ON HIS NECK THAT WOULD BE VISIBLE [since thats a way to get to the razor route] BUT FOR NOW SINCE ONE OF THE VOICES WHO IS ALWAYS THE UNLUCKIEST I MADE HIM THE SHORTEST OFC AND WITH CUTTED WINGS, WHICH ARE LITERALLY USELESS, HIS CHEST ALSO HAS BANDAGES BUT ARE NOT VISIBLE BC OF HIS CLOTHING

BROKEN: PENGUIN MAN, I WANTED HER SHAPE TO BE SIMILAR TO THIS ∩ WHICH MADE ME THINK OF PENGUINS AND THATS HOW HE CAME OUT, HE HAS LONG DROOPY EAR FEATHERS THAT ARE TATHERED SINCE IT WAS HARD TO DEMONSTRATE FOR ME HOW UNKEMPT SHE IS, HIS LONG CLOACK COVERS MOST OF HIS BODY WITH A PENGUIN LIKE PATTERN ON IT, HIS EYES HAVE WRINKLES AND HE ALWAYS LOOKS SAD OR UPSET BY SOMETHING, I WANTED HIM TO OCCUPY LITTLE SPACE SO HE FEELS VERY COMPACT IN HIS OWN DESIGN PARANOID: WANTED TO MAKE HIM LOOK VERY JUMPY AND WORRIED, I HAD AN IDEA FOR HER TO HAVE SPIKIER PLUMAGE LIKE AN EXPLOSION [which is how the plumage of her face came to be] SINCE HE SEEMS TO ALWAYS SO NERVOUS AND READY TO SCREAM AT ANYTHING AGREVATING HIM, HER LONGER EAR FEATHERS CAME TO BE BC I WANTED THEM TO WIGGLE WHENEVER HE WAS CONCENTRATING TO KEEP US ALIVE, I WAS ACTUALLY GONNA GIVE HER A LONGER TAIL LIKE AN ACTUAL FANTAIL PIDGEON, BUT CONSIDERING HOW HE IS I MADE THEM VERY SHORT TO GVIE THE IDEA THAT SHE PLUCKED THEM HIMSELF, ALSO HIS WINGS BEING SO CLOSE TO HIS BACK FOR COMFORT, THE PONCHO CAME MUCH MUCH LATER BC I DIDNT ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT CLOTHES TO PUT ON HIM, I THINK I SAW A CHARACTER I LIKE WITH A PONCHO [cant remember which one] AND WAS LIKE maybe he can have a tattered poncho AND THATS HOW IT CAME TO BE

STUBBORN: DRAGON!!! I REALLY WANTED EYE OF THE NEEDLE TO BE A BIG DRAGON LADY WITH WINGS SCALES AND SUCH BUT WHEN I SAW HER NOT HAVING THOSE I WAS A BIT DISSAPOINTED SO I GAVE IT TO STUBBORN LMAO, HES IS ABOUT AS BIG AS THE LONG QUIET PROBABLY LARGER THO lol, THE MACAW PART CAME FROM THE WAY HIS FACE IS SHAPED, SPECIFICALLY THE BEAK, HIS LOWER TEETH ARE MORE NOTICIBLE THAN HER UPPER ROW, HE IS SCARED OFC FROM THE BATTLE YOU HAVE BEFORE GOING INTO THE ADVERSARY, HIS CLOTHES ARE BASED ON BEOWULD FROM SKULLGIRLS ACTUALLY I WANTED HIM TO HAVE SOMETHING LIKE ANIMAL PELTS AROUND HIS WAIST, SO I WENT WITH A FLUFFIER DRAPES AROUND HIS SKIRT, HIS WINGS ARE IN SIMILAR SHAPE OR THAT OF A DEMON MORE THAN A BIRD SO THAT THEY LOOKED MORE DRAGONISH

CONTRARIAN: JESTER BC I LOVE JESTER AND OFC JESTER CONTRARIAN PROPAGANDA TOOK OVER MY BRAIN, AS I SAID MOD TOUCAN IS THE ONE WHO SUGGESTED THE HUMMINBIRD PART OF HIS DESIGN SO HIS WINGS ARE LONGER AND TAIL IS AS WELL, HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO I HAVE ACTUALLY COLORED AND THAT IS ON PURPOSE SINCE NONE OF THE OTHER VOICES HAVE COLORS, HE ALSO DOESNT HAVE A SET COLOR PALLETE SINCE HE CAN BE WHICHEVER COLOR HE PREFFERS AT THE MOMENT, HE ALSO DOESNT HAVE DIGITRADE LIKE FEET SINCE I WANTED SOME SIMILARITIES OF HIM AND HERO, HE STILL HAS BIRD FEET THO THAT WILL NOT GO AWAY lol, HIS BEAK IS POINTED UPWARDS AND HIS MOUTH IS NOT REALLY A REAL THING, ITS MORE A ABSTRACT LINE

[benchwarming]

i meant to reflect a bit before the end of 2024 about the experience of quitting my job last summer, but then my holidays were disrupted by norovirus AND conjunctivitis 🤪 so i didn't get around to it. until now!

i quit my job in august. i'd been at a startup for 6.5 years and had no plans to leave, buuuut then we were acquired in '23 by a big multinational firm. i won't get into all the ways that our new parent company eroded what had been to that point a pretty good place for me to work, but man, it fuckin sucked.

i was admittedly sensitive to it because "toxic legacy corporation led by sociopaths and staffed by mediocre assholes" was exactly the environment i was escaping when i'd joined the startup. but having to kowtow to a new c-suite of boomer-brained idiots with no sense, strategy, or discipline at a company i never wanted to work for in the first place was excruciating. especially bc i then had to turn around and try to make the best of their idiocy for a team of people* looking to me for reassurance and motivation.

i've never quit a job without having my next one lined up. it took like a month to admit to myself i was serious about the idea. then another month to be convinced by friends and fam that i was allowed to quit. then a few business days to calculate how long my finances would hold up. then another month to figure out what would have to happen for me to actually go through with it.

but of course something did happen, and i did quit. it was very scary!!! and i felt so guilty leaving my team. but i was able to kick off some freelance copywriting work right away, and a freelance consulting project came my way after that, and more things popped up after that. and while i have a lot to learn yet about how to make freelancing a sustainable long-term career, i'm extremely confident that it's worth it to try, at least for a while, bc uhhhh i am. SO much happier?!

i don't think it hit me exactly how much work i was doing, or how hard i was pushing myself to stay on top of it all, until i didn't have to do it anymore. i'm still getting used to that honestly. for the first few weeks i'd jolt awake worrying i'd forgotten something on my to-do list or automatically pull up zoom bc i felt sure i had a meeting to attend.

in comparison to that garbage, freelancing has been easy breezy. but i don't mean easy like mindless, i just mean like - i'm able to dictate the terms and scope of the work, and as a result it doesn't feel like "stuff i have to do" so much as "stuff i'm working on." that may be a distinction without a difference for a lot of people but it's turned out to be a pretty big deal for me: if i gotta work to live (and right now i do), then getting to call the shots and fully own the results makes it easier to conceptualize the work as an opportunity (fun! interesting! good use of time!) rather than an obligation (annoying! inflexible! standing between me and fun stuff!). and after years of managing a team it's such a relief to be responsible only for myself again.

of course the other thing i had at that job was a good salary. and i won't lie, i really miss the money. but i think i can get my income back up in that ballpark by the end of 2025 if i play my cards right. and even if i don't, i know now that enduring corporate agonies for that kind of money is no longer a worthwhile tradeoff for me.

since quitting there have been moments where i've felt dumb for not realizing sooner that freelance would be a better fit at this point in my professional life than a staff job. but i went into 2024 knowing i needed to take some kind of step forward in my career, and i did, and i learned stuff about myself in the process, and now i hate being alive at least 25% less per day than i used to. and that's sort of the whole point of everything, right?**

*by december, 80% of our department would be laid off, and the few left over would be desperate to leave. a really unfortunate end to an incredible marketing organization.

**of course now my therapist is like "so since 2023 was your Living Situation year, and 2024 was your Career year, does that mean 2025 is going to be your Relationship year?" and ughghghfhfhgf. like she's right, but. ugh. but she's right! but UGHHH

[dragonfromthewoodlands]

Sonic Movie 3: It's Not About Shadow

I am probably going to catch hate anons for this, but I've promised a few different people that I'll post one. So, here's your spoiler warning for Sonic Movie 3, and also a warning that this is going to be Long.

Getting my personal feelings about this movie out of the way first- it feels like a dramatized AU someone wrote. It had fun moments, and it had scenes that were done very well! But even if I take a look at the movie from that perspective, ignoring the canon from the game it supposedly drew so much inspiration from, ignoring the games that came after and Shadow's canonical lore, the movie has plot holes in its own canon. My personal views are that the movie did Shadow's entire story and supporting cast wrong. The only good part about it was Maria's innocence, and even she had her story nuked. I'll get into that later.

Let's start where the movie does, with comparing Sonic and Shadow. Sonic states that he doesn't know where he'd be without his family, and the movie cuts to Shadow waking up from stasis. This is a part that I both really liked and at the same time feel iffy about.

The cinematic choice of doing a flashback to Maria playing the baseline of Live & Learn as Shadow wakes up was perfect. The song's message about learning from what happened and living on anyway was essential to Shadow's character arc in Sonic Adventure 2, essential to closing out a story in which a character that is always hunting the truth realizes that what he thought was the truth was actually a lie. The Sonic Adventure games' final boss themes, both Open Your Heart and Live & Learn felt like they were messages from Sonic to the respective characters of Chaos and Shadow. Chaos opened his heart and it was alright. Shadow may never find his way, but he lives and he learns.

At the same time, Sonic isn't that kind of character. He's a kind person that never opted for revenge until it was his only choice in the world, and even then he would never take that route. The movie addressed this in the end, but it drew a dynamic that just... isn't there. The comics, whether it was Archie's Sonic the Hedgehog both before the Sega Genesis Wave and after, or if it's IDW's Sonic the Hedgehog comics, have had multiple instances where other characters press Sonic to kill Eggman. They bring up the traumas he's gone through and the crimes Eggman has done, the fact that Eggman killed people- and Sonic always, without fail, says that there has to be another way. Not just Eggman, either- Sonic does this for everyone. Emerl. Shadow. Merlina. Silver. Metal Sonic. It's been beaten into our heads time and time again that Sonic doesn't take revenge.

Shadow escapes from Prison Island, and here's another beat that I actually really liked about the movie. Shadow moves like a speed skater. I've had my issues with the updated way Shadow skates and how cartoony it is, and usually when I play the other games I preferentially look for mods that make Shadow skate like he did in SA2 because the little scoot scoot is so silly. SA2's animation looked fluid and natural in comparison.

Skipping ahead a little bit, another beat that was on-point for Shadow's characterization was when Sonic's team and Shadow meet for the first time. Shadow doesn't attack until he is pushed. That's not who he is. He just wants to be left alone and to process for a minute.

That is accurate. Without a driving force (Maria's promise, Rouge hunting for treasure, Eggman messing around with Emerl, the Black Arms invasion), Shadow spent his first few games just trying to process. We like to make fun of him and call it brooding, but when he's standing there with his arms crossed he's thinking. When Shadow gets a moment of peace- on board the ARK after saving Rouge, on the ship up to the ARK with Sonic- Shadow is going through the information in his mind and trying to make sense of it. He won't take an attack lying down, but he isn't going to just beat someone up for standing there.

And that's where Sonic Movie 3 stops feeling like it cares about Shadow as a character or his dynamic with Sonic. To explain that, I have to talk about Gerald Robotnik and Maria.

Stepping back for a moment, I spoke with someone who did not know the "deep" lore or anything really about the characters' backstory. They loved the movie and said it was enjoyable, and I agree that it was enjoyable. There were a lot of funny ha ha moments and witty lines. They also said that they agreed with my complains, but it didn't affect them as much because they weren't a die-hard Sonic fan.

I have a problem with that statement.

I try to avoid using the term "ableist" as much as possible, since I am not physically disabled and have no claims outside of mental health problems, but the simple truth is that the movie erased Maria's illness. Maria Robotnik was terminally ill. That's why Shadow was created in the first place. He wasn't a government project or an alien from space, he was something created as a medical cure.

This isn't something small in part for Shadow's backstory, it's a major point to his character. It's as major a part for Shadow as it is for Amy to admire Sonic, or for Knuckles to protect the Master Emerald. It's part of the entire plot of Sonic Adventure 2. Shadow would do anything for Maria, and her dying wish is his driving force in the subsequent games. He fully believes that the reason he has to destroy the planet is because Maria wished it. The only reason he stops the ARK from crashing into the planet is because the truth is that Maria didn't wish for that.

Sonic Movie 3 erases that critical aspect of Maria, of her being so kind that she would sacrifice herself for the sake of the very thing that was supposed to save her. It erases her disability. And it erases her dying wish. She just dies.

(By the way, you can find most of this out from the Wiki pages. I don't feel like this is about me being a die-hard Sonic fan so much as it is that the creators of the movie made a conscious choice to remove these critical aspects in favor of Ivo's story. You could argue that Sonic has also had many, many different versions of his backstory, including the one that movieverse has, but I will also reply to you that not in the universe in which Sonic was a ghostly force of good erased the presence of someone's disability.)

The lack of Maria's wish would normally be interesting to me, since Shadow now would have no direction to go off of, but the distinct shift in Gerald's character and the alteration of Shadow's backstory had me struggling throughout the movie. There's nothing of Gerald's original character present. The only similarities between Gerald Robotnik from the games and the Gerald Robotnik in the movie are the name and the fact that he was a scientist.

I know, Ivo is also very different from game Ivo. Like Sonic, we've had many different iterations of Eggman. The old Eggman from SaTAM and Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog was called Julian Robotnik, or even just "Doctor Robotnik." There was even a period in the old Archie comics where Eggman died (issue #50) and had to be replaced with a Julian from another universe for the sake of balance. A lot of the changes over the years were due to either lawsuits (thanks, Penders) or continuity problems, but the comics generally tried to follow the game canon.

But, again, the movie's directors were trying to follow Sonic Adventure 2, so we have to take a deeper look at who Gerald was. And Gerald wasn't kooky from the get-go, nor was he kooky when he was hell-bent on revenge.

Gerald Robotnik wanted to help mankind. He was one of the greatest scientists known, which was why he was asked to lead Project Shadow, a project to discover means to immortality. He wanted to use this as an opportunity to cure Maria. His first attempt produced the Biolizard. He managed to make Shadow after the intervention of Black Doom offering his own DNA. He realized his mistake and recorded a video of himself to eventually help Shadow when the Black Arms came back, but he was always trying to help mankind. He even gave Shadow a "heart" and a "soul" modeled after Maria's in hopes that Shadow would never become a tool for mass destruction. It was Maria's death that changed his personality from a kind old man to bitter and vengeful. He even says in his diary that losing control of his mind scared him.

Movie Gerald is just Movie Ivo, but older. He's insane from the get-go. The man is shallow and emotionally manipulative, playing as a kind of Deadpool-like character as the actor makes blatant references to the fourth wall. We get no explanation of his relationship with Maria other than he "brings her everywhere" and him telling Ivo that he is "no Maria." The subtleties of how he went insane are lost and his brilliancy in creating life is thrown to the wind in favor of the script just telling us that he's smart and that he supposedly loved Maria so much he wants to destroy the world.

There's no Space Colony ARK- that Gerald designed- with the Eclipse Cannon that was designed to destroy the Black Comet. There's no Black Arms or illness at all in the movie- Shadow is just a creature from a "black comet" and the term "the Ultimate Lifeform" is just a throwaway comment. Gerald's devotion and brilliancy is undermined in favor of cheap jokes and a frankly really strange montage between an actor and himself.

Once again, Maria's character- and Shadow's backstory- are reduced. We get more time going into Ivo's feelings than we do about any of the nuance that was in the original work.

Which leads me to the title of this rant: Sonic Movie 3 was not about Shadow the Hedgehog, it was about Ivo Robotnik.

We've been watching Ivo's journey from movie 1. Ivo is working for the government as a brilliant man, but everyone else sees him as a "dumpster fire." He's crazy, he's got no respect for others, and he has a sidekick that he doesn't really treat as a person but still somehow has a very sexually tense relationship with.

(I don't care what you say, nobody straight pins themself to a wall with a gasp like Stone does.)

Ivo outright states that he got bullied in school. Nobody likes him, so he lashes out at the world. With no one to talk to at the end of the movie, he starts descending into madness, where he's at with movie 2. Neato, they gave his mustache a backstory. He's back purely for revenge in movie 2, because he's lost his home and his position now too. We start movie 3 with Ivo's paunch having backstory, because he's fallen into a depressive state. He has no money, no power, no fame, and all of one person that hasn't left his side, and on top of that, the cause of his downfall shows up in the one place he can stay, which has to have caused him no end of emotional rollercoasters.

The movie then leads us on a story beat for Ivo. Someone wants his technology, someone thinks it's useful. (Hang in there, Stone.) It's been stated multiple times over the past few movies that Ivo has no family, which makes the appearance of his grandfather a pretty poignant moment for him.

Or. It would be. If it wasn't so weirdly done. I know, I know, I'm harping on a movie made for kids. But they could have made it fun while keeping the intricacies, and for all the hype, I personally was disappointed.

Again, this removes a lot of Eggman's canon dynamics with his family. In Sonic Frontiers, Eggman's diary entries talk about how he felt about his grandfather and how he never knew his cousin Maria. Sonic Adventure 2's Eggman states that he used to look up to his grandfather, and his plan for the ARK and Project Shadow just made Gerald look even more brilliant to Eggman. He is canonically attention-starved from his own family.

After a montage of Ivo finally having a grandfather, someone who needs his genius and thinks he is smart, we see a story beat about a neglected person realizing their true friend was right beside them all along. Stone doesn't give up on him the entire movie even though Ivo throws him aside because his grandfather could do him no wrong. Then at the end he realizes how insane Gerald is, that he doesn't want the planet destroyed- which is canon to SA2- and chooses to save it, even if it costs him his life.

This is more set up than the entirety of Shadow's story. The actor's dynamic with himself is focused on quite a bit, and with the additional phenomenal sad puppy eyes of Agent Stone's actor we have the kicked aside supporting cast we need. Of all the character "deaths" in the movie, Ivo is also the only one mourned for.

I'm bitter about that. But my personal feelings are another rant.

This is why Sonic Movie 3 is not an adaptation of Sonic Adventure 2. It is not a story about Shadow, or a way to set him up as a man-made powerhouse to contrast against Sonic's force of nature. It's a story about the Ivo Robotnik of the movieverse and his emotional journey with family.

There's so much more I want to say. I want to complain about how they only used Live & Learn for about five seconds, about how the stars twinkled on the moon, about Shadow not being mourned at the end despite the unskippable cutscene after the Finalhazard fight in SA2, about Tails the sweet 8 year old child cheering as an old man gets launched into what's basically a nuclear reactor-

But that's another rant, and if you've made it this far you're probably tired of reading for the minute. I'm doing my best not to bash the movie as it is.

All in all, I am glad I went to see it. But it is not Sonic Adventure 2. And I'm currently coping by envisioning it as a dramatized AU.

I look forward to deleting the hate comments from my inbox.

[spaghetticat3899]

When you absolutely despise something a lot of people like, and no matter what way you look at it you cannot see the appeal, but you know you can’t talk about it in public or else you’ll get dogpiled to hell and back, so you just kinda sit there frothing at the mouth like this

[13eyond13]

love it when a character that's hard to read intuitively for you has like a dedicated fandom interpreter who can just glance at their blank face in a panel and then give you a 3k word essay on their innermost thoughts & desires & fears and neatly tie it back into the themes & whatnot as if it's the most obvious thing in the world

[aq2003]

i saw a post saying boom was good bc it feels like it could be done with any doctor/companion duo and honestly that was one of the things i felt was wrong with it

[starryluminary]

FINALLYYYYY GOD. THIS TOOK 2 WEEKS TO BEAT

Reached 30 tags so here’s the rest of my thoughts:

AND I PLAYED FOR ANOTHER TEN HOURS. IT NEVER ENDED

but yes. despite all that whining I did have a blast with brothership

I want to play through it again. I feel like this is the kind of game that needs a second play through to digest it properly

Ok that’s it. Glad I finished l. Goodnight folks

[motordyk]

I'll use you as a warning sign That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind @whatlurksbean

[jackass-jones]

re: udg reblog,

clearly the solution to “oh i love this but i don’t think anyone should play it” is to write a fic with only the good parts and none of the bad parts but then you have this big empty space where the bad parts were so you just make something up that seems vaguely believable

that seems like a normal thing normal people do right?

RIGHT?

It’s always correct and totally won’t ever lead to agony as you look at the canon and scream because my god how are you supposed to salvage something this stupid why are you doing this you used to be so normal and not care oh god why does attacking the little girl make her pants fly off oh god why is delta a character