#i had so many personal problems going on in my family which resulted in me having so much paperwork to do

[schlawa]

It’s a (translated) quote from my favourite bands live banter, where the drummer asked if anyone still needs a guitarist and I just thought the vibe fits them so well

[rebirthgarments]

TW: Chemical w-rfare, Ab-rtion

Urgent Ask to evacuate Nara, a 🍉 disabled woman with MS who also has pancreatic cancer due to chemical w-rfare.

Support by financially contributing to her @FedUp4Palestine vetted funhnd-raizer (that I personally vetted): givebutter.com/NaraMedicalAid

+ resharing/ reposting this post!

I, Sky Cubacub- a Fed up 4 Palestine team member, have been in direct contact with Nara to get to know her and her story more over the past few days. We have become fast friends due to so many overlapping symptoms of our disabilities. Nara’s story caught my eye because I have post-viral ME/CFS which many times is a precursor to MS. I really want my disability community to show up for her to get this campaign funded that is so close to my heart so that she can continue medical treatment.

We have chatted extensively! During our chats, I found out from Nara that she had not previously had health issues until she was exposed in the white phosphorus attack in 2008. The long lasting damage and effects of phosphorus continue to compound and become more and more disabling to this day, even after 16 years.

Here is her story in her own words (edited for clarity):

“Hi I'm Nara,

I'm a cancer and multiple sclerosis patient. I need treatment, examinations, and follow-up on a regular basis, but the hospitals in which I used to follow up were bombed and the other one was turned into military barracks. All I need now is to leave Gaza for treatment, preserve my life, and live with my family in peace.

We're a family of 4, including my 12 and 7 year old children.

I had been diagnosed with a tumor in the pancreas as a result of inhaling phosphorus in a previous war. A couple years after being exposed to phosphorus, I became pregnant, and the fetus was pressing on the tumor, which drew the doctor’s attention to the cancer. My fetus was emergency aborted, and the spleen, 80% of the pancreas, and part of the small intestine were removed. I complained every now and then of a lot of pain as a result of the removal of part of the pancreas. I was having follow up care in the Turkish Friendship Hospital for hematology and tumors. But since the beginning of October, I have not been able to follow up because the hospital has turned into a military barracks.

The remaining part is talking about multiple sclerosis:

In 2018, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I had many complications, such as inflammation of the seventh nerve in the eye, the inability to walk with balance, movement with difficulty, and many symptoms. I was then required to take 12 injections every month and many medications and vitamins. I was following up at the Nasser Medical Complex in Khan Yunis, but unfortunately the hospital was out of service due to the war. So for a long time I have not received any injections. MS is truly difficult and it controls my life completely, and the attacks occur in many and varied ways.”

A note about her breathing apparatus:

Because people in displacement have to wait in long queues and pay to use the bathroom, Nara had started to restrict her water intake because of a UTI she never has been able to heal from. This has created a problem with raised levels of potassium, so doctors have placed her on oxygen for fear of the potassium affecting her heart.

Goals

she needs at least $15,000 to evacuate

2 adults at $5,000 each

2 children at $2,500 each

this price is subject to increase due to the cost of registration for evacuation continuing to go up

The other money will go to the cost of treatment and living costs.

Nara chooses to stay anonymous because she has had to mask her disabilities so much that only her family knows about her MS and Cancer, so we have not linked her instagram, but we are in direct contact with her and can verify that she is who she says she is! Because of this, she cannot promote her own fundraiser, so it is our job to collectively do it for her!

[Image Description: a digital illustration by @k8deciccio of Nara, a Pal-eh-stienian woman wearing a black hijab/outfit with purple highlights. She has a breathing apparatus that is bulbous that goes in her nose. Text Reads: Help Narawith Cancer and MS Treatment, She Must Evacuate with her family of 4. $30k goal givebutter.com/NaraMedicalAid . There is a QR code in the bottom right corner that goes to her support link. The @FedUp4Palestine logo is in the top left corner.]

[kourabiedes]

I'm not here to grind a political or social axe. I'm just here to tell a short story, about a normal person trying to navigate the American medical establishment. Here is some evidence. You may draw your own conclusions.

So I've had a migraine for a month.

That's not hyperbole, mind. It has been a month since this started. A month of the entire side of my head pulsing with pain, worse whenever I look at light which is always because I do digital art and all that.

Now, I've had migraines all my damn life. I know the drill. I have a preventative medicine that keeps me from having more than one a month or so, and I have a "rescue" medicine meant to stop the ones that do start. I have a nice dark room to rest in when it starts, I have blindfolds, I have ice packs -- I know how to handle these, is the point. So, for about the first two weeks, I did just that. I hit this sucker with everything that worked before and did my best to wait it out. Yes, I delayed getting care, because it was a problem I was already familiar with and assumed was normal for me.

Then, a week ago, it stopped responding to my rescue medication. Entirely stopped. Alarmed, I went to the ER. They hit me with a fairly standard migraine cocktail (so they said anyway -- don't ask me what it was because I honestly do not remember). Killed the pain almost right away and they give me some advice about what to do next and sent me home.

It was back in sixteen hours.

ER again. Same cocktail, same result. I'm freaked out now, so I call my PCP and schedule an appointment. She fits me into her schedule because she's alarmed too. She gives me a shot of Toradol and that helps, but she notices my blood pressure is reading a little elevated for me and we decide to try a blood pressure medication. Okay, cool, I'm down, high blood pressure runs in the family and it can definitely give you migraines if untreated. We start this medicine and she prescribes me a new rescue medication, giving me one pill to try while waiting for insurance to okay the prescription. This rescue medicine works, putting me back in control of the pain. Cool, thinks I, I just have to get through a couple weeks while the blood pressure medicine settles in, and if we're right, the migraine will finally let go.

Today, I discover that insurance would only okay ten pills of this medicine, because I have had the other rescue medication refilled recently for... obvious reasons. Ten pills, and if I want more, I have to wait like forty days or something.

Do you know how many of these pills I have to take a day to keep the migraine at bay? Two.

I have five days of relief -- four, now -- before I go right back to the same ER level pain, unless I am exceedingly lucky with this blood pressure medicine.

The ER did no imaging. I'm not sure if they even could. My PCP put in an order for an MRI when I saw her, which was a week ago, and that request has not yet left the insurance company.

A migraine is not just a headache, like you get after overindulging or staying up too late. A migraine alters your mental state. It can come with physical symptoms beyond head pain -- mine likes to manifest itself with dark spots in my vision, for example, which can ruin a day real fast -- and sometimes they even come with nasty mental symptoms.

So... what part of all that upsets you the most? Because, for me, it's knowing I have about four days before I go right back to screaming misery.

Oh, and I have to note, I am considered fairly lucky because the state covers my ass when Medicare won't. Yet here we are all the same.

[rekino2114]

Welcome back I hope you had a lovely trip

Can I get a meeting with S/O family for the chainsaw man girls

The chainsaw man girls meeting your family

Makima

Your parents were nervous to be meeting with her actually

When you told them you were dating the head of public safety herself, they didn't believe you until you showed them photos, and even then, they were like, "How?"

Makima is very kind and polite throughout the meeting, she makes sure your parents see how much she truly loves you and how she'd do anything for you. She does everything she can to appear as the best girlfriend you could have.....meanwhile your parents are freaking out cause one of the most important women in Japan is standing in their living room and holding hands with their child.

She categorically refuses to use powers on your parents to make them like her as that would hurt you and that's the last thing she would ever wanna do

"I promise you, as long as y/n will be with me they will be loved safe and cared for, all of their needs will be met and I will try to make them the happiest person on this planet"

".............."

"Excuse me, but are you alright? You look nervous"

"O-oh no i-it's alright......please continue"

Power

This.....did not go too well

It's not because you were dating a fiend or anything, your parents were actually pretty supportive of that, it's that power doesn't really have manners.......at all

She talked over them,yelled at them when they served her vegetables, and called them "humans" multiple times

She also brought meowy along with her....she thought bringing a cute cat might get her some points which it actually kinda did

You had to do a lot of.....damage control, but eventually your parents figured out power was a genuinely good "person" and gave her permission to continue dating you

"Listen to me humans you should be grateful the great power has chosen your child to be her romantic partner"

"........please don't stand on the table"

Himeno

She was actually pretty excited to meet your parents and prove herself a good girlfriend

She made sure she was sober and didn't drink the night before to not have a hangover. She did have to put on a lot of perfume on to hide the smell of alcohol and cigarettes though

The meeting went pretty well, himeno was nice,fun and showed them her love for you.....she also flirted a lot with you but you're used to that at this point

If you have any little siblings, then she's like the cool big sister in their eyes. she gave them piggyback rides, played with them, and showed them some cool tricks with her ghost devil powers

"Nice to meet you Mr and Mrs l/n, it's great to finally meet the people who gave birth to this cutie"

".......even now?"

"What? Is there a problem with me showing how much I love you?"

Kobeni higashiyama

As usual, she was very nervous to meet your family, she loves you and was very scared of them not approving of her for any reason

She tried to look her best and only had 2 panic attacks while getting ready

She was very relieved when the meeting actually went well and your parents approved of her, it was like a giant weight got lifted off of her

She doesn't have the best relationship with her family so she's really happy at least yours like her

"I-it's nice to m-meet you, m-my name is k-kobeni higashiyama, I-i am y/n's g-girlfriend"

"......are you OK? You're shaking"

"Y-yeah, t-totally fine"

Quanxi

Despite her many partners, this was actually going to be the first time she met one of their families since all of the other members of the harem are fiends and don't really have families as a result

Speaking of, you decided to keep the whole harem thing a secret for now to not overwhelm your parents

She left her swords at home and put on her best suits to go to the meeting, where she held your hand most of the time and let you do most of the talking

To be honest, your parents are kinda scared of her. It seems like her one eye is always glaring and judging them, but they can still see the loving looks she gives you and eventually grow to like her

"Mr and Mrs l/n, I promise you I will protect y/n with everything I have, I will die before I let anyone hurt the people I love especially them"

".......I think I got a shiver down my spine"

"Me too"

Asa mitaka

Another girl who was really nervous about the meeting, she has a pretty low self-esteem and she thought your family would hate her for anything she did

She literally begged yoru not to ruin the occasion as she at least wanted the opportunity to look like a good girlfriend, and the war devil surprisingly agreed (maybe because she wanted to watch asa embarass herself of her own)

She tried to strike up conversations with your parents....keyword being try, this often results in voids of uncomfortable silence that you try to fill

In large parts thanks to you eventually your parents grew to like asa and approved of her, which she couldn't be happier,after her parents died, she feels like yours could kinda help her deal with that

"I swear this is so boring, I'll take a nap ok?"

"Whatever just don't bother me"

"........Uhm....sorry but who were you talking to?"

"I-i said that out loud?"

"Y-yeah"

"I'M SO SORRY"

Yoru

.......this was....weird. you can't really say "Hey mom,dad, I'm dating the literar representation of war that's possessing the body of one of my classmates" so you decided to improvise

Yoru pretended to be a human, she covered her scars with makeup and put contacts to cover her horseman eyes. Your parents were kinda surprised to how similar she was to asa so you decided to say they were sisters

Yoru was kinda unpleasant the whole dinner, saying snarky comments and laughing at inappropriate times but you convinced them that she was a good girlfriend

She had to stop herself from laughing when your dad gave her a warning not to break your heart as she could easily kill him right there if she wanted....she didn't though thankfully

"So what did you think about my parents?"

"Oh they were great, I'm sure they'd make really powerful weapons"

"........don't-don't turn my parents into weapons"

"Calm down I was just joking"

Fami

She was actually fairly excited to meet your family.....mostly for the food they'd be serving her, in fact you specifically told your parents to cook a lot for her

She tried to eat with more etiquette than she usually has,but kinda gave up halfway through when she realized just how good the food was

When she's not eating, she's telling them how much she loves you and how she'll cherish you and protect you forever, which makes you blush and them like her even more

Your mom actually loves her and asks you to invite her more often since fami eats everything she cooks

"Your cooking is great"

"Oh thank you, you really like food don't you?"

"I love it, the only thing I love more is your child"

[bibibbon]

smth i hate abt hori is how easy it would’ve been to use the lov to show how hero society lets people slip through the cracks as a result creates villains, but he never fully expands on the idea.

jin’s parents died when he was in *middle school* MIDDLE SCHOOL! which means he could’ve been anywhere between 12-14. and then because of a motorcycle accident that *wasn’t his fault* he got a criminal record, was fired from his job, and became homeless. and then he just spiraled from there.

toga is biologically wired be to fascinated and obsessed with blood. but instead of helping her, her parents are disgusted by her and force her to suppress herself until she inevitably snaps.

dabi is a product of his fathers abuse and it was allowed to go on for decades because his father is a famous pro hero

compress is just an unapologetic evil bastard tho and i love him for that

This is also one of my problems with horis writing!!! Villains in MHA all had wasted potential and I absolutely hated the way their arcs went!

I guess the only arc that I can semi agree on is toga himiko's arc to a certain extent but that even has wasted potential that I talk about down below 👇. I discuss what togas arc could of been and different directions her character could of went.

In my opinion himiko was already introduced as somewhat irredeemable. The first time we see her we are told that she killed 6 people known so far and on around 5 of them she performed blood letting. Also her first victim she literally sliced him up and started drinking his blood (some including I theorise that she maybe even ate some of his body parts). I think it adds to the story simply because togas love or idea of love is based on her becoming that person and having parts of them on her whether that be literal or metaphorical.

I personally like the idea that toga is an irredeemable victim. Toga is someone who was failed by the system and had went through a lot for sure but the actions she did were also things that she should be accounted for ( I talk more about toga and what makes her different from lady nagant in another post). In the end I personally enjoy seeing toga be a humanised not redeemed victim of society that has also commited many crimes.

When it comes to other members of the league I feel like they could of all had better arcs in general.

I remember talking to @doodlegirl1998 and she suggested that twice and togas characters could of very much switched roles as twice is a character who parallels more with ochako (both struggling financially) and hawks would get more repercussions for killing a child (toga). However, I also do like twices death but I do have some problems like how I wish his death would of been thoroughly explored and we see how it impacted everyone or we should of gotten more from twice himself in general.

Dabi deserved better and I really would of wanted him to have a redemption arc, receive some concequences but end up with the todoroki family WITH ENJI DEAD (I HATE HIM!). I hated the whole Dabi always had an ice quirk and that he was just the second choice, always the second choice all along.

Shigaraki and just how much AFO was involved ruined everything for me also Shigaraki knowing about AFO was a horrible twist which made shigarakis characterisation even more inconsistent. I would of liked to see a Shigaraki redemption where he himself works towards one by starting to question AFO and get into the leader role a whole lot more while using the MVA to his advantage to get information, resources and more.

Spinner could of ended up being the better stain and learned form stains mistakes while also changing with shigaraki. I also feel like he needed more build up with his own counterpart like shoji and a thorough explanation and development of the whole hetamorphis discrimination thing.

Compress was evil for fun and it's fun to have those types of characters. One thing that I really would of liked to explore is compress's and magne's interactions. I feel like their arcs could of been interwoven (maybe I ship them a little who knows 🤷‍♀️) magne's death should of had more substance to it and all it just felt lacking and compress's disappearance the same.

Now when it comes to minor villains Iam a huge advocate for MUSTARD!! AND GIVING US A MUSTARD REDEMPTION 👇👇👇

I also think that muscular and moonfish should of obviously went to prison but that this could of been used as a way to shake the leagues trust for shigaraki. If any of the league members were to end up in jail would shigaraki help them? Maybe he won't as he didn't do that to muscular or moonfish or maybe he has stated to care for them more and he would as he is growing into that leadership role.

I would have it so that the Dr garaki is just an evil menace who starts to become much more greedy and manic causing AFO's death and going insane.

Kurogiri or kurooboro in this case would go through a different type arc that's down below.

In the end all of the villain characters or characters that don't up hold the status quo are victims of society. I think your ask could also apply to the hero characters that are also harmed by the system like hawks and izuku.

[ynscrazylife]

Eek! Yay!

So since I'm just a few episodes ahead I'm just going to keep it kind of vague. What do you think of a younger sister whose just a little younger than Sam? Dean practically raising her and so they're super close but when Sam leaves for college their dad decides that maybe the hunter life isn't the best for his daughter so he leaves her behind with a family friend. Imagine the angst and abandonment issues (def not me) like after Dean picks up Sam he tracks down his younger sister he hasn't seen in like a year and she just never gave up hunting so now she's actually pretty good at it? Can you imagine how awkward that reunion would be?? Maybe they're hunting down a monster together or something??

Sorry, this isn't exactly a scenario so much as my own personal idea for a backstory? I don't know but if you like it or you want something else let me know cause there's tons more that are similar or completely different from this one 😏

Great minds think alike cause I kinda had an idea in mind where Dean and Sam meet up with their sister through a hunt! This is a little different than what you put in the ask tho, so I hope that’s alright. I also feel like there is enough for a part 2 so I could end up adding to this! And this would be a fun OC concept to make 👀 if anyone wants that.

a reunion for the ages (dean & sam winchester x sister!reader)

The thing that makes this entire situation, what your life has become, so backwards and twisted is that at first, you didn’t actually want to hunt. You wanted to go to college, like Sam. You weren’t even that much younger than him and in his first year, he seemed to love it. But when your time rolled around, you didn’t get into Stanford.

Yes, there were other colleges that accepted you, but you really wanted to be with your big brother. The rejection hit you hard and as a result (and needing a distraction), you threw yourself into hunting. You became careless and reckless and instead of talking with you about it, your dad made a decision for you: that you weren’t cut out for hunting. He left you and took Dean with him.

When Dean realized what was going on, he of course tried to stop his dad. They got into a pretty bad fight over it. But he was a stubborn man and he refused to go back for you. Dean tried calling you, but thinking that he was in on it with Dad, you refused to pick up. You kept in touch with Sam for a little while, but the both of you got busy as time went on, and the weekly calls stopped.

A few years later, Dean and Sam have hit the road, intent on finding Dad. The backseat of the Impala, which was usually occupied by you, is empty.

“I thought if I gave you some time you might bring it up yourself, but dude, are we picking up Y/N or not?” Sam asks finally, no longer wanting to beat around the bush about it. He knows about Dad and Dean leaving you behind, but assumes that at some point you would’ve made up with them.

“She shouldn’t be involved in this,” Dean says resolutely, keeping his eye on the road ahead, firmly gripping the steering wheel.

“You had no problem involving me in this,” Sam points out, trying not to sound upset over it. There was a small part of him that wonders if he hadn’t gone with Dean, would he’ve been able to save Jess? Still, he knows that he went willingly, and that he could’ve said no.

“You know how to hunt and fight. The last time I saw Y/N hunt . . . Trust me, it didn’t go well,” Dean mutters, definitely not in the mood to have this conversation.

“Shouldn’t we at least let her know what’s going on with Dad?” Sam suggests, now more curious about what happened between you and Dean and Dad. You never gave many details about it.

“Have at it, if she’ll pick up,” Dean says, throwing one hand in the air. He’s trying to play it off as if he doesn’t care, but he does. He misses you.

Sam tries but, as Dean predicted, you don’t answer. Over the next couple days, they get wrapped up into a case where they suspect an angry ghost is the perpetrator, going after the people that they blame for their death. Thankfully they’re able to find the object that the ghost is attached to, a music box. What they don’t expect, however, is to be dealing with a ghost possessing someone. It’s a chef, to be exact, which leads them to their current situation: fighting the possessed chef in his kitchen.

“Sam, a little help here?!” Dean yells, fist-fighting the enraged chef, who looks a little ridiculous in his white chef’s hat.

“I don’t have any iron! Or salt!” Sam yells back, rummaging through his bag in search of something, anything, that might help.

Suddenly, someone runs into the room from behind the guy and jumps on his back. It’s a woman, with a bat in her hand. As the guy stumbles back, she hits him in the head repeatedly, until the guy throws her off his back and onto the table. The woman smacks him again with the bat, then gets salt from out of her pocket, and throws it at him. The ghost is expelled from his body and he drops to the floor.

Dean and Sam exchange looks, wondering who the hell she is.

The ghost isn’t done yet, though. It lifts the woman into the air and lets her drop onto the table, which cracks. She falls onto the floor and the ghost lunges for her, disappearing and now possessing her. Dean and Sam prepare themselves for another fight, only to both freeze when the woman stands up and turns around.

It’s their sister. Their little sister, who’s meant to be enjoying a hunt-free life. There’s a gash on her forehead which is leaking blood down her face and within seconds, she’s lunging at Sam.

He falls back, not sure what to do. If this were anyone else being possessed, he’d fight back, but he doesn’t want to hurt you.

“Y/N, Y/N, c’mon!” He yells, doing his best to dodge your hits.

Dean runs around and grabs you in a bear-hug, pinning your arms to your sides. He drags you back, even as you thrash. “Get some salt, Sam!” He says, struggling to manage you.

“I told you, I don’t have any!” Sam repeats, frustrated.

“It’s a KITCHEN!” Dean practically screams.

While Sam looks for salt, you twist out of Dean’s arms. The two of you go at it but eventually, Dean’s able to get you down on the ground. He feels bad about pressing his knee on your abdomen, holding your arms down, but he has to keep you there.

“I found a salt shaker,” Sam says, kneeling down by your head. “We gotta destroy the music box, though, before the ghost possesses one of us.”

“Alright, do it, but give me the salt,” Dean says, moving your arms above your head and holding your wrists with one hand. With his other, he takes the salt and has to pry your jaw open to pour the salt in your mouth.

You cough and splutter, but Dean forces your mouth to close until you’ve swallowed the salt. Finally, the ghost leaves your body. Dean throws the salt shaker to Sam, who salts the music box before chucking it into the oven.

“Alright, Y/N, we gotta go,” Dean says, throwing one of your arms over his shoulders and pulling you to your feet.

All you can do is lean against him and mumble your brother’s name, your head spinning.

Sam grabs the chef and the four of you stumble out the back exit. Sam lays the chef on the ground and calls the fire department, then you guys make your getaway in Dean’s car.

“I’m staying with her,” Sam decides, sitting in the backseat with you while Dean starts to drive.

“Sam . . . Dean? What’re you doing here?” You ask as Sam tends to your head with the first aid kit that they keep in the car. You can hardly believe that you’re really with your brothers again.

“Could ask you the same question, kid. Sammy and I were hunting that ghost,” Dean says, speeding up a little to get to the motel faster.

“So was I,” you say. Your head feels far too heavy to hold up on your own right now so you let it lean against Sam’s shoulder.

“What?” The brothers ask in unison. They weren’t sure what answer they were expecting but it wasn’t that.

“Been hunting ever since you and Dad left, Dean,” you tell them. Even though you are in pain, you don’t miss the beat of silence that follows.

“You were pretty good back there,” Sam compliments, ruffling your hair a bit. With your head wound bandaged up, he slings his arm around you for the rest of the drive.

Dean is quiet, his fingers thumping against the steering wheel, until the three of you arrive at the motel. Sam helps you out and lays you down on his bed. “I’ll be right back, gonna get you an ice pack,” he says, going to the mini ridge.

Dean sits across from you on his own bed, sighing. “How are you feeling?” He asks.

“Like I got thrown onto a table . . . Oh wait, I did,” you answer sarcastically, mustering up a smile.

Sam returns, giving you the ice pack and then sitting next to Dean. He glances between his siblings, sensing some tension. “Do you two need to . . . Talk or something?” He asks.

“You’ve really been hunting this whole time?” Dean asks you, still in a bit of disbelief.

You nod. “I got my act together after Dad . . . After you and Dad left. I wanted to prove him wrong,” you explain, shrugging. “Where is he, anyway?”

Sam and Dean exchange a look. “We don’t know. We’ve been hunting and hoping to find him in the process,” Sam says.

You nod slowly. Your dad taking off isn’t that uncommon, but it is uncommon to see your brothers hunting together. “I’ll get out of your hair soon,” you mumble, not sure that they wanted you around.

“Woah, wait. There’s no rush. Sam was right, you were pretty good back there . . . We could use your help,” Dean says. He’s not going to let you go so easily this time around.

“Really?” You say, a little surprised. You sit up in bed, taking the ice pack off your forehead.

“Yes. And keep that on,” Dean says quickly, taking the ice pack from you and pressing it to your wound himself. He moves to sit down next to you, making you roll your eyes, but you don’t argue. It’s kinda nice to have him helping you out, he’s always been protective over you and Sam.

“The Three Musketeers, all back together again,” Sam jokes, just to annoy you both.

“Is it too late to back out now?” You ask.

“Yes,” the brothers say. You’re in too deep now, Dean and Sam aren’t letting you go again.

[handweavers]

of all the questions in the world "why are you trans" or "why are you gay" has to be one of the least interesting ones that exist but it's often the go-to question for conservatives when faced with the existence of lgbt people esp in conservative countries in my personal experience. and i've been trying to figure out why they ask that because it feels like such a stupid question on the surface like what do you mean 'why'??? but it occurred to me that the question really is "why did you choose to be open about this/make it my problem" and many try to answer by saying "i didn't choose i was born this way" which i personally find to be an unfulfilling answer, especially because that isn't really what the person is asking. they ask that question not necessarily because they can't fathom why people have such feelings but because they can't fathom why we would act on them, why we would be open about it, why we would do anything but keep those feelings very tiny and miserable within ourselves.

like i think most people regardless of their politics can understand to some extent the concept of gay attraction or gender euphoria, can recognize some aspect of that in their own experience, and if you come from a conservative country or culture you'll discover many people who have such feelings but have entirely stifled them, stamped them down, disregarded them, and it's clear those feelings still haunt them. people who will say "of course everyone has feelings for people of the same gender you just can't act on them" with a straight face or "everyone has wished they were a different gender but we cant do anything about it so oh well" not realizing how they sound and they're upset with you because you didn't ignore those thoughts or disregard them. they aren't exactly upset with you because you have those feelings, they're upset with you because you aren't ashamed of them, and whether that specific shame is a feeling that they relate to or the shame they're familiar with is of a different kind, if you're from a culture where social shame is so powerful and encompassing, the idea of someone not also being internally or externally crushed by that shame and taking their life into their own hands is upsetting. to see someone do that and not suffer consequences of doing so feels wrong to them.

like we have family members who remained stuck in marriages that made them miserable, in towns and villages that made them miserable, in jobs and lives that make them miserable, even if they had the material means to escape, but did not do so because of shame and some sense of duty, like that misery means something. perhaps those who did not have the material means to escape their misery, but you did, and what results is resentment and blame. and they look at you and it's not even necessarily that you're gay or trans or whatever that they hate you for, but because you escaped that shame, you were miserable and you decided you did not have to be and you did something for yourself, and just that act is often seen as selfish and upsetting within this cultural context.

esp in cultures where this kind of misery is seen as familial duty, so by forgoing such misery and the social expectations placed upon you you are simultaneously shirking your familial responsibility, in a society where familial and communal ties are everything. so when family members ask me "why are you trans" i just answer that i chose happiness and i am content with my choices, and the rest is something for them to work out.

[deathofacupid]

waiting | peter parker

summary: you're trying to be paitent with him, the war with thanos can't possibly have been easy to deal with, much less the trauma. you've given peter all you have, but it's gotten too much.

angst? mentions of past ed, mentions of purging, mentions of sex (like one), cursing a bit, mean petey, panic attck kinda

after the war with thanos, peter had grown distant. and you didn't blame him, you figured that he was giving himself a break, he was taking time to heal. and you understood that, peter was grieving. 

you always tried to be there for him, but he made it hard sometimes. 

never did you hold it against him.

peter had lost his mentor, his teammates, and beyond that- his family. you didn't expect him to move on, it was a lot at once, even more so with the blip. he was still adjusting (you were too, but this was different).

he spent nights on the couch, outside who-knows-where, and sometimes... sometimes he would drink. you took note of the fact he tried not to do it around you. 

but some nights he would come home late, stenched in the strong odor of beer and sweat. peter would be drunk and snappy, and yes, at times it scared you. 

not that you'd ever tell peter that. 

but his "grieving" grew unhealthy, and who were you to let that slide? he wouldn't eat or drink properly, god knows about his hygene, and he wasn't getting enough sleep. so you made him cooperate, which did result in many arguements, but it did work for the most part. but your relationship, you felt, wouldn't ever be the same.

date nights? what were those?

kissing? nope.

sex? no. never. (not that it was a big deal for you, you could care less about that.)

no hand-holding. 

and no cuddles. cuddles. none of those. 

peter snapped at you often. he struggled to contain his temper, and easily grew annoyed. it was like even the smallest remark could lead to something big.

"peter, you have to eat. you didn't have breakfast."

"you didn't either."

"that's different. i haven't been skipping my meals."

"why? you've been throwing up instead?"

he watched as your face twisted into disbelief and pain. but you pushed it away, dead-set on getting peter to eat.

"this isn't healthy, love."

"neither is you getting on the scale a hundred times a day."

you had been checking your weight more frequently again, part of the reason being the fact that you were scared peter didn't love you anymore because you were getting fat. but it wasn't unhealthy. 

you recognized the problem. you told your therapist, stopping it from becoming something bad. 

but peter wouldn't know that. he wouldn't know anything.

"please don't go there," you whispered quietly, "i just want you to be happy, okay? and healthy." that must've been where he felt like the conversation had ended, so he left. you didn't know what to do anymore. so you cried. because that felt like the only thing you could do right.

-

(first person)

"i just don't know what to do-"

"you know you have, like, an actual therapist for this, right?" mj asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"well, yeah, but she doesn't know peter like you do."

she sighed, locking eyes with me, "y/n, peter's being a dick, and i don't know when he'll see that you aren't somebody for him to take his anger out onto. you shouldn't be taken for granted."

"mj, it's not like that. he's just-"

"what? grieving? is that what you've been telling yourself? babes, this isn't even that anymore. it's unhealthy. not just for him, but for you. yeah, he lost people. i did, too. my mom died, y/n, she died. and i wasn't in that hospital with her while she was on her deathbed. why? because of the fucking blip. but i've moved on. everyone has, because where will moping around like an alcohol addict get you?

"know what? i'll answer that for you. nowhere. it'll get you nowhere. i get it, you want to be there for him-"

"no! you don't get it! i love him! i-i need... i need to be there for him," my sentence broke into quiet sobs, and mj pulled my close to her, rubbing my back. 

"i know, i know," she cooed. soon enough, my crying ceased, and i pulled away with red eyes. 

"what do i do, then? just leave him? he doesn't have anyone."

"talk to him. maybe he'll change."

"and if he doesn't?"

mj gave me a look, because i already knew the answer. yes, in a way she was right. it was an unhealthy, toxic relationship. peter was pulling me down, and he was breaking off a piece of my heart every passing day. 

thinking about not being with him, left me with a dull ache, but at the same time, it was a crushing sensation, one that broke me down completely. i couldn't imagine a life without him. 

he was my life. he... is my life? was it too late to be speaking in the present tense? 

maybe mj was right. maybe i needed to talk to him. 

but i was scared. i was really, really scared. what if...? what if it ended horribly? and i never saw him again?

what if i left him, and no one was there for peter... and he'd- he'd die? because he wasn't sleeping right? or eating enough? or staying hydrated? 

what if he needed someone to help patch him up? but no one was there? would he simply bleed out? 

my heart sped faster at the thought, and my breath came out ragged. 

"woah, hey, breathe."

i pushed away any and all thoughts of him, focusing on inhaling and exhaling, trying to get my heartbeat to normal. 

-

(peter's pov)

"peter!" y/n chirped, a grin on her face. i sighed, already feeling a migraine come on. i didn't want to talk. i wanted to sleep, or... i don't know. just not talk. 

"you know that book i've been reading? it's really good, by the way, i think you'd really like it. there's this boy who reminds me of you," she wiggled her eyebrows, "he's like, super scared of spiders. which is ironic."

i tried to tune her out, but her voice was loud. really loud. my head was blaring, and i kind of wanted to puke. 

stop talking. please.

"-coming here! they've got a convention and everything? can you believe it? and, get this, i got us both freaking tickets! we can, like, have a date or something. it's from 2:00-6:00, so we can get food at this fancy new diner that just opened up-"

has y/n always been this annoying? there's no way. if i'd known before, i doubt i would've started this. 

i gritted my teeth, ready to pull all of my hair out. how much would it take for her to fuck off?

"oh my god," i muttered, completely done and exasperated. "do you ever consider carrying around a plant for all the oxygen you waste everyday?"

i watched her smile drop instantly, satisfied. for once, it felt good to hurt someone. i was so goddamn tired of always helping everyone. this was barely a tenth of how i felt. she blinked rapidly, and i went back to the web shooter. 

damn thing just wouldn't-

"can we talk?" i inhaled sharply.

"what, y/n? what? what could you possibly have to say that you haven't already said yet?"

"i-i, um, i-"

"is that all you know how to say?"

"no, i'm sorry. no, wait, no i'm not. you're the one being a dick. which is precisely why i wanted to talk."

"jeez. what do you want me to say?"

"you don't have to say anything. not yet. can you- can you just listen?"

i didn't answer, going back to tinkering. if this would make her feel better, then whatever.

"i just... i feel like we aren't the same. you aren't, at least. and maybe i've changed too, i don't know. i can't really dicate that for myself, that wouldn't be fair," she laughed, and i could practically feel her nervousness. y/n's heartbeat was loud, too, so loud that it felt like it was banging the in the back of my head. i could smell the sweat on her hands, too.

 what did she possibly have to say that was freaking her out like this?

"i love you, peter. i haven't stopped."

"...okay?"

"i'm trying to say that i want things to go back to normal. i don't know if that's even possible, but i know we can try. because i'm willing to make things work, and give you another chance."

i spun around, narrowing my eyes at her. ""i'm sorry, 'another chance'?"

"um... yeah?" y/n said, and i could tell she was getting less confident.

"why the absolute, and i cannot stress this enough, the fuck would i need another chance?"

"do you hear yourself? the way you're speaking to me? how- how did we go from that... to this? my gosh, you used to be the sweetest boy ever. you apologized for things that weren't even your fault, and you said 'thank you' for things you didn't need to say to. what happened to that?"

"spider-man happened. and why are you making me sound like the bad guy? i save lives because i can, out of my free will."

"i miss you," she whispered. "i miss my peter. this isn't- you aren't-"

"aren't what? go on. because i-"

"shut up. shut the fuck up and let me talk. for once in your life, listen," i snapped my mouth shut, waiting, and shocked.

"a memory. a faded picture. a failed potential. because that's all we are now, right? why fight for something i know will go nowhere? why fight for someone who can't fight for me back? you know what i've realized? 

"i've realized there is so much more to the world than this, than you. i realized how much love i could give to the world and how stupid i was for only giving that love to you when you didn't even deserve it.

"this is what i feared the most. this moment right here. the transition between having something and having nothing but regret. and it's happening right now, right in front of my eyes, and there's nothing i can even do about it. 

but, peter, this is for me. this is so i can grow and let go. because now i know that you won't change. if this is the way that it's going to go now, i want no part of it." 

she was crying now, and i scoffed. "what the hell are you even saying? what do you mean?"

"what i mean is, i'm going to stop watering a dead flower, expecting it to grow again. it's over. this is over."

i didn't know what to say, so i gaped at her. what did she mean "over"? y/n wasn't going to just leave, i knew she didn't have that in her. 

"so that's it? because once i get out of that door, what we once had will perish. i'm afraid i'm not ready for that yet. maybe i never will be."

"fine, then. leave. you'll be back anyways," i shrugged, and she sighed, shaking her head. 

so i let her. i let her leave. 

and then i waited for her to come back. 

i waited a long time. 

i still am. 

that's when i realized how she felt. 

she'd been waiting, too. 

the only difference was that we'd switched roles.

[walk-to-gallows]

Mary was too much. The show spent to much time in the past they didn’t need to drag Mary back into their lives for MORE FAMILY DRAMA. There were so many options for Amara to grant Dean some wish or some desire that he wanted there was no reason to dig into his rat nest of a life and drag Mary from heaven as some gift to Dean. To me that was as bad as 11 or 12 seasons later we had to put up with meeting Sam’s imaginary friend. They didn’t ring us dry of Sam pity enough? Do we need something more weird from his life to ring the tears from us?

While I didn’t sit at home hating or blogging about her in some crazy negative way. I think I only made one post about her right after she appeared but I was happy to see her go.

Yeah, you're getting the full rant; Mary was a reclamation.

Like most horror media, Supernatural has a bad habit of fridging its female characters to give its male characters a fighting reason. Up until her resurrection, Mary was only present in the past, she was just a memory rather than a person, the perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect woman because she was dead.

Of course killing off a family member is a customary trick of the trade, it’s strong stuff for motivating your characters, but when your pilot opens with not one, but two female characters being killed for the sake of their male partners arc, there’s a problem there.

Mary’s return is important for many reasons. Her presence parallels Jack’s, the ghost of the past and the hope of the future, the undead and the newly born. She represents autonomy being given to women in horror, like Kelly Kline, these women aren’t just hills for men to die on anymore.

Mary is the beginning, she’s the start of it all. Her return was hardly heralded in a way that made us expect her, but she’s not a random prize. Mary’s death has been the catalyst of Sam and Dean’s entire life, and as they move on to the future, there’s a need for them to reconcile with the past, especially with Jack’s introduction.

From this ask and your next, I'm guessing you're much more a fan of Dean than Sam, and I won't lie, my preferences lie that way too, but I fear that you're letting your biases cloud your judgement.

Mary's return has much more to do with Dean than Sam, Dean was four when Mary died, he actually remembers her. Her return spurs a whole new arc for him where he has to come to terms with her absence in his life and the glorified version of her that he grew up with as a result of his young age, Dean feels abandoned by his mother both in the past and in the present.

And once again, with Jack's introduction and Dean's role as one of his parents, there's more for Dean to move through. Dean was incredibly involved in Sam's childhood, and yet now when he's an adult he find himself often emotionally unavailable like his own father was once.

Not to mention, Sam and Dean's lives have been tightly intertwined beyond what is normal for most siblings, they've spent years apart, but they've often only had each other to rely on. Most things that concern one of them will also concern the other. Yes, Mary's return gives Sam a chance to know his mother the way he was never able to, but it also gives Dean the opportunity to reconcile with his childhood, to say things to his mother he never thought he'd be able to say, to resolve a part of his life that has been an open, festering wound.

Dean lost his father to hunting, it's something he struggles to reconcile with (which is why 14x13 is so important but that's another rant). It's part of the reason he's defensive of Sam's criticism of John, because Dean remembers a time when John was attentive and gentle, and not the soldier he regressed to.

In season 1, we see Sam learn that side of John, the part of him that put away money into a college fund for his boys, that hoped for a future free from bloodshed, and he comes to terms with the loss of a father he had never gotten the chance to know.

This is what Dean gets with Mary, the chance to know his mother as she was, as a person and an individual. The resentment that Sam carried for John is comparable to that which Dean carries for Mary, it's a one-dimensional view of their parents, anger at what they weren't just as much as what they were. Dean blames Mary for his childhood, and while I don't think the culpability rests on her, it is that unresolved anger that brings his mother back to him.

Mary gets a second chance at life, Dean gets a second chance with his mother, and he brings her back to him. I really find it difficult to understand how so many people dismiss this plot line, because not only does it parallel the way Sam and Dean slowly lost their father to the hunting life, it is a direct result of Dean's lingering anger and grief that makes Mary their mother again. She avoids them, throws herself back into hunting because it's what's familiar in this world that has aged beyond her, and the guilt of seeing her boys, who have grown despite her absence, is too much to bear. Dean forces her past this guilt, he allows her to forgive herself because he hates her for being gone, but he loves her too, and her knowing that her absence now counts as much as her absence then is what changes everything.

The character writing in supernatural is something that can be so good, I hate to see the hate-train on Mary coming at full speed because she didn't live up to audience expectations (never mind that those expectations were based on snapshots of her from her grieving husband and sons, or the younger and "innocent" version of her). Anyway, you're free to dislike Mary, at the end of the day my opinion is my opinion and yours is your own, but the fact of the matter is that Mary's return was incredibly significant for the overall plot, and Dean's character arc and growth.

[vanfleeter]

Bound For Earth: Chapter 8

Characters: Jake Kiszka, Josh Kiszka, Marlie, Ivan. Warnings: 18+ || Language. Smut. Allusions to sex. Penetrative sex. Fluff. Tooth achingly sweet proposal. Brotherly banter. A/N: We are back with the sci-fi!

Bound For Earth Masterlist

_________________________________________________________________

“Jake, what are you doing?” Marlie asks as I pull her through the corridors.

Today marks three months since Marlie and our family made the trip here to Mars. We’ve shown them just about everything. I took Sam out in one of the space cars and he absolutely fell in love with it. Danny fell right into rhythm helping out in the training modules. Apparently he’s big on fitness and helping to keep everyone in shape has been quite the joy for him. Mom and Dad fell back into work, Mom working from the command center and Dad went right back to working on the cruiser and fixing any problems with any of the space crafts if there were any problems. Josh and Ivan seemed to get even closer. I still sometimes see them sneaking in and out of each other’s cabins every now and then. As long as he’s happy, that’s all that matters.

Marlie and I have spent nearly every minute together, except for when I have to work. When I do, she’ll go off and help Josh in the agricultural side of the station. Apparently she too has a green thumb.

It has been an adjustment period and not everything has been exactly sunshine and rainbows. Living on the station is a lot different than living on Earth. You don’t have much freedom to do things and living in close quarters is not always easy, especially when you have a small bed that typically only fits one person.

Sex was easy when it didn't require having to turn over often, which we sometimes did. Listen.. I’m trying to experience sex in any way that I possibly can and any way that she’s comfortable with. But damn.. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve hit the floor. Forget having bruises from sex, I get bruises just from falling off the bed.

I sleep on the outer side of the bed to keep her from falling off the bed. I didn’t entirely think that through very well. Neither of us can sleep on our backs or our stomachs, so we have to sleep on our sides which tends to get highly uncomfortable after a while so turning over just adds even more difficulty. It got to the point that I got fed up once in the middle of night and ended up sleeping on the floor. Still not comfortable but at least I won’t keep falling off the bed. I had petitioned to build a bigger bed in the cabin but per usual, my request was denied. The only reasoning being that Marlie would be going back to Earth in three months so the head honcho felt that it would just be a waste. Whatever..

Sharing such close quarters was also not easy. Always having to squeeze past each other in the bathroom. Marlie tripped over my computer chair so many times. Trying to take a shower together proved difficult so that was eliminated almost immediately. Even trying to change at the same time resulted once in her swinging her elbow and nailing me in the throat. She was offered to stay in an empty cabin but that was clear on the other side of the station. She declined it gracefully whereas I may have used a few not so nice words. So living in the same tiny cabin will have to be done for the time being.

“I want to show you something.” I say as I unlock the doors to the dome. Inside it was filled with all different kinds of monitors and radars. A spiral staircase led upwards towards the top where a giant telescope sat and pointed outwards to look beyond the station. Dragging her up the steps, I stop in front of the telescope. “I think you’re going to like this.” I peer through the eyepiece of the telescope, adjusting it to the right position until I find what I’m looking for. “Here, take a look.”

She steps up to the telescope and peers into the eyepiece, “Woah.. Is that Saturn?”

“Yeah, we’re close enough to see Saturn in its orbit.”

“That’s so amazing. I never thought I’d see Saturn this close ever.”

“It’s quite the sight.”

She pulls away from the telescope, “Do you ever see Jupiter?”

“Every now and then, definitely more often than Saturn.”

She turns back to the telescope and looks into the eyepiece again. “Those rings are so gorgeous up close.”

“I had this crazy thought of what if it were possible to take one and give it to you..”

She scoffs with a giggle, “That is quite impossible.”

“Which is why I made you one.”

“What?” She pulls away and turns back around to face me.

“I was five years old when a group of astronauts made the trip from here to Saturn. They wanted to get as close as they could to observe the planet and its rings for better accuracy. Well, they got close enough to collect little pieces of the outer rings.” I dug into my pocket and pulled out a silver band that had a decent sized diamond on it. “I asked Patrick in the welding department if he could take some of the collected material from that trip and make a ring out of it.”

“Jake..”

“I know this is sudden and we haven't really talked about this..” I step up close to her and reach for her left hand. “I love you Marlie and I want to marry you, if you’ll have me.”

“Oh Jake..” She covers her mouth as her eyes fill with tears. “Of course I will.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah! Yes!” She exclaims, excitedly bouncing on the tips of her toes.

I slip the ring on her finger and she throws her arms around my neck, effectively pulling me in for a kiss. No one knew of our engagement, I made sure to keep it a secret considering how easily word can spread around here.

That night we made love like we’ve never done before. Quite frankly because we did it right there by the telescope. I think the reason it felt different was because we’re engaged but because it’s a bit public and the risk of someone walking in and finding us just makes it quite the thrill.

_________________________________________________________________________

The proposal wasn’t the only surprise I had in store for her. I kept up with my training and my progress was moving along very well. Living on Earth was still a goal for me. Though I’d be away from Josh, I didn’t want to take Marlie away from all of that and bring her up here to next to nothing. She keeps telling me that she loves it up here but I just know that after some time she’ll grow to not like living up here 24/7. So for now, I’ll keep training to grow my immunity to Earth’s gravity.

As I make my way down the corridors towards our cabin, I’m yanked from the hall and into Josh’s cabin. “What the hell?” I say as he pins me to the bed.

“How can you propose to Marlie and not say anything to me?” He says above me.

“What? How did you–”

“She wasn’t so quick to hide the ring when I saw her in the common area. You never even mentioned wanting to propose and then boom, suddenly you’re engaged?!”

“Shhh!” I clamp my hands over his mouth. “Shut up, loudmouth. Who all else knows?”

Josh pushes my hands away from his face and stands back up to his feet. “As far as I know, just me.” Josh says. “But if she can’t hide that thing properly, Mom’s definitely going to find out and she’s going way more pissed than I am that you didn’t say anything.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you–”

“I am your brother–your twin!” He exclaims, throwing his arms around in the air. “Out of everyone on this damn station, I should have been the first to know.”

“Are you finished being dramatic?” I say as I stand on my feet.

“Wah–Yes..” He huffs.

“And the reason I didn’t tell you was because I know how you are. Mom would have found out before I could even propose.”

“I would not have told her,” Josh says in defense of himself with his hands on his hips.

“Oh no?” I say, my eyebrows raising. “Then who was the one who told Mom that I took out the rover that very first time without supervision?”

“Well–”

“And the time that I snuck out to watch the sun rise from the canyons?”

“But–”

“Admit it, Josh. You would have blabbed.”

Josh rolls his eyes and folds his arms over his chest. He then peeks at me from the side. “Am I at least going to be your best man?”

“No, I was thinking maybe Sam–or Danny, he seems cool.”

“What?!”

I laugh and playfully shove him. “I’m kidding! Of course you’d be my best man! You’ve been by my side our whole lives–not like you had a choice–why would I choose someone over you?”

“Mmhmm…”

I chuckle and start heading for the door and I slide it open only to find Ivan on the other side with his fist raised to knock. “Oh.. Hi..” He awkwardly smiles. “I didn’t know-”

“No, you’re good!” I say with a smile. “I’m on my way out anyways.” We trade spots and I step out in the hall. “Have fun, be safe!”

Josh’s eyes grow wide. “Jake!”

I wink at him before closing the door and hurrying down the hall to our cabin. Sliding open the door, I hear Marlie gasp and I look up to see her covering her top half with one of my tshirts. She sighs in relief and sits down on the bed. “You scared me..” She says. I walk over with a smile on my face and I lean down to kiss her. “I haven’t seen you all day, how was it?”

“Good, actually,” I say as I sit beside her on the bed.

“You’ve been training a lot,” She says. “I like watching you.”

“You watch me?”

Marlie nods her head as she smiles. “You look so sexy when you’re all sweaty.”

“Do I?” I say as I lean in close to her, rubbing my nose against her.

“Mmhmm..”

“And I bet I’d look even sexier if I took all of my sweaty clothes off, hmm?”

“It’s possible.”

I smile against her lips and kiss her as I gently lay her back on the bed. She grabs the ends of my shirt and pulls it up my back. I lean back on my knees and pull off my shirt the rest of the way.

I whisper all of the sweet things into her ear as I slowly make love to her, savoring it all. I soak in all the places she touches me and I save all of her sounds in my head. All these years I have spent up here feeling trapped and as if I’d die up here without experiencing some kind of love.

But I found it, and I found her. Even though our short time spent on Earth didn't give me much, I still am grateful. I just hope all of this training pulls off.

When we both meet our ends, I go to pull out of her when she pulls me back and kisses me. “I love you.” She says. “I really do.”

“I love you too.” I say as I kiss her back.

–Four Months Later–

“I think you’re ready to go,” Ivan says with a proud smile on his face. “Both you and Josh have been shown a lot of progress since coming back.”

“You think?” Josh asks with a cock of his eyebrow.

Ivan chuckles. “I know,” He says as leans over to kiss Josh. “However, we still have to take precautions.”

“I knew it was too good to be true.” I grumble.

Ivan chuckled and I raised my head to look at him with a questionable look on my face. “Just for the first week or two, we’ll be monitoring the both of you. If anything should happen–”

“We’ll get shipped right back here..” I finished.

“Not exactly,” Ivan says, shaking his head. “Some of our engineers have been building a prototype of a lighter gravity chamber so in the event that something should happen–again–we’ll have a place to bring you instead of rushing you into outer space.”

“And it works?” Josh asks.

Ivan nods his head. “So… With all of that being said.. How about we head back to our cabins, pack up what all you want to bring back down with you, and get some rest. The cruiser leaves tomorrow afternoon.”

Sliding open the cabin door, I find Marlie sitting on the edge of the bed and chewing at her nail. A nervous habit she seems to have picked up. When she hears me, she looks up and drops her hand from her mouth.

“What’d he say?” She asks as she rushes up to me. “Are you cleared to go?” I nod my head and a smile breaks out on her face. “I have never been happier,” She says as she kisses me. “All the hard work that you’ve been put in and it’s paying off, I’m so proud of you.”

“I was determined to be with you on Earth,” I say as I wrap my arms around her. “Last thing I wanted to do was to subject you to life up here. It can get quite boring.”

“Well I’ve been having fun actually,” She says. “Plus you’re here so it definitely feels like home.” I smile and lean down to kiss her. “But I’ll be excited to finally be able to eat something other than pees.”

I can't help but to laugh. “Now you know how I’ve been feeling.” I say as I pick her up. She wraps her legs around my waist and I carry her over to the bed.

“Would you like to celebrate?” She says.

“I thought you’d never ask..”

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[babyboiboyega]

Gekko Headcanons #1 : The Cookout

Pairing: Mateo De la Fuente/Gekko x Black!Gn!reader Headcanon: Taking Mateo to a family cookout would include... Content: fluff, profanity Word Count: 2.6k Author's Note: its been toooo long since I've written something, and of course my newest hyperfixation is the thing that gets me to write again LMAO gotta love it y'know? I am very new to the world of Valorant and this character, so please...if any of this seems ooc, kindly let me know. I'm still learning about him, I'm still feeling him out, but I just enjoy the character so much already. I also enjoyed writing this, so I hope y'all enjoy! <3 Tag list: @liyaawrites (aka, the person responsible for this obsession!!)

I wanna start off by saying that the second you mention taking Mateo to meet your family, the boy is geeked out of his mind. Maybe it's in passing during a conversation, or maybe you consciously bring up the topic once you feel it's the right time; either way, it’s met with wide, brown eyes that sparkle in excitement, and thick lips that part on an immediate agreement. Not only does an agreement follow, but he also immediately starts to ask what he should bring. What kind of get-together is it? Does he need to know anything beforehand? How does he need to dress, because he’ll be damned if he shows up underdressed when meeting the family of the person he loves. He only stops worrying when you tell him exactly what the function is – a cookout – and what he’s expected to bring – some dish that your mom/grandmother/auntie or other family member is requesting. And once those questions are answered, he goes straight to worrying about making sure it’s up to their standards. You have no idea why, but your family gives you and him the job of bringing the macaroni (and not any store-bought macaroni- they’ll know the difference). When he learns that it has to be homemade and that its a staple in the entire cookout, he instantly looks up recipes while thinking back to the ones his ma or abuela would use, wanting to put his own spin on it while also wanting to make a good first impression. It gets to the point where you find him up late one night, his phone’s screen illuminating his features from where he lays beside you. He’d turn his phone to you sheepishly, apologizing for the bright light and displaying a page called “how not to make macaroni and cheese” or something along those lines with a sheepish smile.

“Think they’ll like this one?” “Teo…baby…it’s 3 am.” “...you’re right, I should look for another one-”

The days leading up to the cookout are spent with him constantly going on about how excited he is to meet your family – specifically the cousins you’re the closest to and have mentioned before. In response, you warn him that your family can be…a bit much, specifically when someone brings their partner around. They have a tendency to ask too many questions, get a little too comfortable joking around, and are just all around loud and obnoxious sometimes…and he’d only reassure you with a knowing smirk and a raised eyebrow that not only is his family the same, but he’s so used to being around large families as his used to have get togethers all the time. He’s dealt with it before, and it'd be worth it to deal with it again if it meant he got to meet your folks. Despite the sentiments, you still warn him – especially of that aunt who always likes to make smart-ass comments and loves calling others out despite having her own problems in her life, to which he lets you know that he’s dealt with one of those and he’ll make sure that y’all are far away from that aunt at all times. He would offer to keep you dancing all night just so you had an excuse to not talk to that person, which would only lead to a conversation involving line dances. 

Despite Mateo's affinity for the punk/skater aesthetic, I’d like to think that his Hispanic roots have resulted in him having a good sense of rhythm. I also like to think that he listens to a lot of music in his spare time, fostering an appreciation for different genres. With that being said, I think our boy could keep up with the line dances. When you offer to teach him a few just for fun, he’d be excited as hell, his lips curling into a full-blown smile as he’d watch you turn the music on and scroll through the first ‘cookout line dance’ playlist you find. When you find a suitable one and try to teach him, he’d be playful about the entire thing, claiming that he needs you to do it a few times although you know its just so he can see you dance, his eyes lingering heavily on your hips as you do so. And when you finally get him to join you, you realize that he may not have the steps down, but he’s got enough swag and rhythm to keep up and look like he knows what he’s doing, which is enough. 

“One more time, princesa- I promise. I’ll get it this time.” “You’re just looking at my ass, Mateo-” “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” (with a shit eating grin on his face)

Now…when it gets to the day of the cookout, you two would be up pretty early, going to get the supplies to make the macaroni before starting on it at home. He’d want to help so badly, but he’d also have no problem getting your input on it – after all, it is your family and you know how they usually like their macaroni. But he’d also insist on doing most of it himself which would result in about a few hours of him moving around the kitchen with a focused look on his face. His focus is only broken by you checking in on him, it instantly changing to a cocky, yet playful, smirk as he would nod to the pan that’s in the oven. 

“How’s it goin, baby?” “Look at that masterpiece and tell me how it’s goin, mi carino. You see that golden brown on the top, you smell that delicious, scrumptious, decadent-” “Aaaalright, that’s enough-”

You know I have to mention the process of picking out outfits. I absolutely believe that Mateo would not only be down for, but would love being one of those couples that wears complimenting outfits. Not matching completely, but maybe having one article of clothing that’s the same color or maybe even wearing the same accessories. You two have too much personality and style to limit yourselves to wearing the exact same thing when going out, so he would love to wear complimenting outfits. He’d always make sure to pick colors that you enjoy wearing despite thinking that you look beautiful in every color. 

“What about green?” “Oh…well…you know I don’t exactly look the best in green, baby.” “I wholeheartedly disagree, but we can look for something else, mi amor. No problem-”

I think that he’d be so invested in making sure y’all look good that he’d kind of forget about the macaroni that's in the oven. You can’t even blame him, because you’d be able to see the excitement radiating off of him as he gets ready, so you’d just gently, but amusedly, remind him. 

“Teo.” “Yeah?” “Your macaroni-” “Mierda- my macaroni-!”

His attention would instantly switch to the macaroni, so much so that he’d still be standing in the kitchen, his eyes on the oven when you walk in fully dressed with Wingman trailing behind you, Mateo’s shirt in his beak as he chirps and trills. You wouldn’t be able to understand him, but you don’t really have to to understand the comedic radivore’s noises. You’d only be able to nod and agree with the little guy as you both watch Mateo hurriedly throw on his shirt before taking out the macaroni. 

Now…lets get to the cookout itself. He’d hear the music and chatter immediately after stepping out of the car and would just look at you with a smile and excited eyes, offering to take the dish with one hand and your hand with the other. You’d be able to see that recognition in his eyes, the myriad of sounds that signify a family fellowship being ever so familiar to him. Homeboy would walk in the door with a wide and inviting smile, greeting people politely while also showing that he can be rather extroverted when he wants to be. Of course, he gets the typical ‘this must be yo lil friend’ from your family members, but he takes it in stride. But while taking it all in stride, he’d also make sure to kiss your cheek, your forehead, hold your hand, wrap an arm around your waist– anything to show that the words ‘lil friend’ are just a title your family members have given him, and that the truth is he’s yours. 

He’d show the macaroni to the family member(s) in charge of the food, watching with baited breath as they take the foil off of the top, their eyes looking at the golden-brown cheese on top before looking up at you two with a smile. 

“Oooh, this looks good, Y/N.” “Actually, Mateo made it. I just helped him when he needed it; it was all him.”

He’d absolutely be geeked when they turn to him with an impressed look, their smile widening as they set it on the table with the rest of the food. And if you thought he had a big head when being told that it looked good, it’s nothing compared to when the first family member comes up and tells him that it tasted good. Chile, you’d never hear the end of it…though you don’t want to. It’d be endearing and sweet that he takes so much pride in making something your family enjoys. And when it comes to him actually eating the food prepared, he would not hold his appreciation back. There’d be a lot of ‘who made this’, followed by just as many ‘dios mio’s as he can dish out. The same goes for the dessert portion, especially the homemade pound cakes from your family members. Yeah, he’d have no problem asking for a to-go box; one for food, and one for dessert. 

Throughout the duration of the cookout, he’d find himself constantly in conversation with someone from your family, whether it be because he had been pulled into a conversation, or whether it was because someone approached him with the intent of asking questions. Either way, Mateo would be game for any question asked, usually answering with an air of confidence, friendliness, and humor that made others love him instantly. When asked questions about you two’s relationship, he’d be quick and incredibly willing to answer, his eyes glancing at you adoringly as he does so with a smile on his face. It’d get to a point where you would have to ‘rescue’ him from more questions, citing that you wanted to dance just to get him away from your family member(s). And he’d happily let you pull him away, however, not before promising the uncles gathered around a table that he’d play spades with them the next round. 

At some point in the night, you’d lose him for a few minutes, coming back to his empty seat after fixing a plate of dessert for both of you, and after scouring the yard, hoping that he hasn’t gotten himself into a less than pleasant conversation, you finally find him. Except he isn’t in a conversation- not with an adult, anyway. No, he’s seated in the yard, not too far at all from the kids table, smiling widely as the kids from your family gather around him. Their hands reach for and gently run over his hair, the dyed shapes and colors instantly catching their attention as they speak over each other, asking him questions.

“Why’d you do that to your hair?” “Did it hurt? Why’d you pick spots?” “My mama says people who dye their hair like that don’t want a job.” “Can I do that to my hair?”

You’d only be able to watch in fondness for a few minutes as he struggles to answer their questions, his facial expression showing exactly how much he enjoyed being the center of attention for the kids. It would get to a point where he’d look up at you with an expression that screamed for help despite the smile still on his face, and you wouldn’t hesitate in rescuing him. You’d never seen Mateo around kids before now, but going off of the vibes and interactions you’d see, it’d be easy to come to the conclusion that he’s pretty okay with kids. Because of his chill demeanor, not only is he seen as ‘cool’ to the youngins, but he’s also easy to interact with. It would certainly help that he’s got a little crew of adorable creatures who are intelligent enough to interact carefully with the kids. There’d be peels of laughter and excited chatter as Wingman does a trick when prompted by Mateo. There’d also be a time where Wingman turns to Mateo, chirping quickly and constantly looking back at the kids…and after a short conversation between the two, he’d probably smile, nodding his head towards the kids with a ‘have fun, be careful’. That’d be the only thing Wingman needs to hear before turning and joining the group of kids in their activities, the laughter being a constant noise as long as the creature is interacting with them. 

When it gets to the end of the night and people start filtering out of the yard, he’d check in with you, asking you if you’re tired or if you still want to hang around with a look of understanding for whatever answer you give. It's only when you smile tiredly and sheepishly at him that he’d nod with a smile, telling you that maybe it's time to go. It wouldn’t be long before you two have a bag with your to-go boxes in them, making your rounds with your family members and saying goodnight. He’d leave Wingman to play with the remaining kids until it’d be time to go, waving him over once you two are ready to leave. (You can’t help but feel like you two have your own little family, and the earlier sight of him interacting with the kids certainly adds fuel to that thought). 

The ride home would be spent going over certain conversations and interactions that had happened during the night, showing just how attentive Mateo had been the entire night. You’d also learn of some of the conversations he’d had when you weren’t around…and he’d instantly wave away your apologies for the nature of those conversations, an easygoing and amused smile on his face as he does so.

“Please tell me she did not say that to you- I’m so sorry, love-” “No need to say sorry. It was pretty funny, so its okay, mi cielito. So…you tried to turn the speed all the way up on the treadmill, yeah?” “Yeah, that’s enough of that-”

To put it simply: Mateo would be ecstatic that he not only got to spend an entire day with you and your family, but that he got to see how you interact with your family. It’s truly nothing like seeing the love of your life in their safe space with people they trust. He could’ve sat and watched you speak to cousins, aunties, uncles, whoever else and would’ve been completely satisfied. He’d go to bed thinking about the glow you had on your face as you spoke to family members you’d missed, and how he’d heard and seen you genuinely laugh with cousins when recounting old stories, and how you and your family connected over food, music, and fellowship...and yeah, he’d have to admit to himself in the middle of the night, while holding you close, that he couldn’t wait to have that with you in the future.

A/N: I hope that was fun to read, it was certainly fun to write! Once again, this is my first time writing for this character that I just found out about like...two weeks ago, y'all...be patient with me while I'm learning. BUT I'm gonna really try to write more this summer because I definitely won't have time to in the fall, so keep an eye out!

[osakanone]

I love how in-depth your mech discussions dive

This isn't even my full power.jpg

I have to hold a lot back, because I don't know how to communicate well without overwhelming an audience.

Let me show you.

I'm right now figuring out how to explain a summary of over two years of investigation into mecha feet and contact-patch design, which led to me designing many MANY foot designs I came up with based on fighter landing gear, tank design, hovercraft, omniwheels, screw vehicles, and my personal favourites: marginal terrain vehicles and the Landmaster of Damnation Ally, which overcomes the shortcomings of 4+ generation Knightmare Frames [...]

(eg, their lack of omnidirectional motion, which they had to solve by transitioning to a psudoquadraped both with the Akito of Exile's 4-leg mode using its arms as walking limbs and the Queen Asura, which is not the same thing as a psudotetrapod because a quadraped has a abdomin structure closer to a jumping spider with the legs arranged inwardly for the front and outwardly for the back, and a tetrapod is radial pushing legs out at square or diamond angles relative to the abdominal centroid)

...and of Artos/Armored Trooperoids of Votoms [...]

(which had problems of a small tarus or hoof style foot with zero longitudinal arch which results in a lack of clearly defined calcaneus and thus no formal heel which would allow terrain gripping via the relative motion of the arch and phalangal body of the toes the heel like a beak -- all to encorporate the wheel in the arch-space -- which the design partially compensates through the use of a talon mechanism, and an optional structure fitted to the ankle which folds down to form an extended front foot -- which Armored Core's 5th generation later references in the folding falanges of the UCR series -- and late,r the Blue Knight variant directly addresses by extending the foot by 50% to improve the contact leverage with ground surfaces)

This is accomplished by using the stair-climber mechanism as a heel, but encorporating a scissor mechanism. Right now I'm not happy with where it is and I'm still figuring out where the hinge would go to keep it omnidirectional, which again is the common failure of leg-design in these platforms.

This is a MASSIVE amount of information to take in even in this light summary without diagrams to explain what's happening and I'd need help to really express what I actually want to accomplish.

I'm right now deeply conflicted as to how deep I should actually go because we can get very lost in the weeds and I'm not very skilled at diagramming the points I want to make and I have an entire taxonomic and anatomical language for mecha that I remove from my work when I present it to the public most of the time.

Like do I go into the development path, do I go into the evaluation of evolutionary paths I see like throughlines connecting things like how we got from knightly designs in Panzer World Galient or Dunbine (the first isekai) informs Tekkaman Blade informs Xi Gundam informs Escaflowne informs White Glint informs Unicorn Gundam and Banshee informs NWGIX/V, etc, etc?

Like there's an entire lineage and family line there being Albidimiles -- albidimiles being a portmanteau of albido (white) and miles (knight) -- not to be confused with the line Samonaut, which are essentially samurai-astronauts commonly belonging to Gundam.

Since we're dealing with design memetics, common concepts of conventional phylogenetic development don't apply since through a genetic lens, mecha is incredibly dependant on horizontal transfer -- eg, passing of information via contact, so adaptions happen not always convergently but frequently in direct parallel, as an arms-race does.

So that's an example of what this is like when I don't filter any of it for an audience, and it very quickly goes off into the weeds.

What I really need to go to the next level is an editor who understands the concepts I'm dealing with; for example, do I talk about the inherent transness of the L-Gaim Mark II and Nagano's own history with gender expression as a mechanical designer and how he expresses those feelings of femininity in his work, or do I go full schizo and present the world with my wild "Nagano-Egg Fashion-Sapphoid-Mantis" theory which is in itself a total fever dream born of conjecture gleaned entirely from his work and photographs of him leering at Tomino instead of his wife at his own marriage?

I need someone to reign me in, but also be able to support me in this capacity -- ie, a research partner who's happy to let me toil in the weeds and then is happy to help me represent these ideas and understand what you as an audience can actually make sense of.

What has happened is I accidently over-studied the design part of mecha and understudied the illustration part which I'm actually very poor at.

I can go so much deeper than I do regularly, but making sure I don't lose people is a challenge I've never managed to solve so I mostly just write for myself and then only turn it into a post if someone has a question.

Sorry if all of this is kinda disorganized.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if i stole my aunt's cats? (TW for animal neglect)

ok, so basically for a few years now it's been kind of an open secret in my family that my aunt's household Strongly Prefers their dog over their two cats. i didn't think much of it since i don't really see them too often (which is on purpose), but that changed when my mom and i house sat for them for a week. During the week i noticed many things that have indicated to me that this house isn't healthy for these cats:

1. the house is fucking disgusting. my aunt had 4 kids who are all out of college, so she has a Large mcmansion to clean by herself (they're conservative christians so my uncle doesn't contribute). so i get that its a struggle, but most of this house is straight up unsanitary. like i dont think those floors have seen anything near a cleaning supply in years. also, the amount of Stuff lying around made it really difficult to get around the house a lot of the time.

2. their dog has significant behavioral issues. it's a small dog (the crusty white breed but brown) but if you're not giving it attention, either you or whatever you're paying attention to is getting attacked. the problem arises when the thing you're giving attention to is one of the cats. despite the dog's size, it's bigger and stronger than both cats. and while the cats are faster, i feel like it's only a matter of time until one of them gets injured. also, i'm aware that the dog's issues are most definetly also a result of mistreatment. afaik, it's had no training other than knowing not to piss in the house, and is basically treated as a perfect creature that can do no wrong. it literally doesn't know how to go for walks because my aunt and uncle just go out into the yard until it does it's business and then take it back inside.

3. these cats have jack shit. they have a litterbox and food bowls on this crusty ass folding table (so the dog doesn't steal their food) and that's it. no toys, no cat furniture, nothing. everything that's bought is bought for the dog. this basically means that the cats get no enrichment, which is just generally bad. one of them is allowed outside, but that's not a better alternative obviously.

also, i'd ask my aunt if i could just take the cats given that she doesn't even like them, but my realtives are the kind of people who get extremely offended by any implication of failure, so that would just start drama and would encourage them to go after the cats after i take them anyway.

my cousins could take them, but they've all been out of college for a while now and are already well off, so if any of them were going to take them, they would have by now. imo, they've lost their chance.

if i do end up doing this, it's not going to be for a while because i have to settle personal matters. not to mention how i'm going to sort through things like taking stolen cats to the vet.

didnt expect this to get this long lmao. sorry 💀

What are these acronyms?

[petitepatateuwu]

I'm not late for my digital art challenge, time is actually extremely early. Also my sister allowed me to use her photoshop and I am just confused because I can't adapt after looking at the same one software for four years. Also I hurt myself in Paris subway and I'm unhappy.

Don't look at the colour palet thingy, it's 5:00 am and I don't know what I'm doing.

So I decided to use this challenge to develop my dumb au ideas without taking any time to introduce you to it 😈

But because I feel like I should give some context, I'm still gonna yap about it😈😈😈

So actually, Jay isn't the one I should start with, but I'm chaotic so here you go 🫠

But it originally started when I realised that Ninjago gave Cole so little screen time that I started to make my own Cole lore in my head (sometime my brain does this on its own). And basically, I went from "what if Cole had a backstory?" to "what if I gave Cole my childhood trauma because I relate to him way too much?"to "what if Jay had siblings?" to "what if Zane was the only one with a perfect childhood?". And before I knew it an alternate timeline came tickling my circuits at night.

This then became me being mad at season 7 for bringing back Kai and Nya's parents, and decided to give (almost) all the ninjas childhood traumas based on what I understood of their character.

So in this au, Jay doesn't really have any "childhood trauma", but I kinda designed his family to be problematic in a way that he would grow with many insecurities because he lacked parental attention. And this despite his parents being awfully nice and caring to him and his siblings. It's just something that can happen, especially in large families or when the parents are so invested in their work/hobby that they tend to unintentionally neglect their kids, and I think that both are happening in Jay's family.

I'm also thinking that his parents would have difficulties understanding most of their children exposing neurodivergent symptoms. I strongly believe that Jay is on the ADHD spectrum, and as a person with ADHD symptoms as well, I'm using my personal experience to explain how he could've grown with it. (I'm not very good when talking about neurodivergence, just know that I based most of Jay's childhood problems on this video, which I think explains very well how parents can have the best intentions but still hurt their children because they don't understand them)

So of course, the final personalities of the ninjas are a bit different from canon, but I did try to make them similar at best, or close from what I understand of them, which might not be correct X). In this au, Jay is very insecure about his abilities, which results in him hiding most of the time to build/model/create/whatever artistic stuff he said he did, but also in him having more difficulties to unlock some of his powers (like the elemental dragon). After spending some time with him, the other ninjas learn how to properly encourage him to open up and make him gain some self-confidence. When he is not in a stressing situation, Jay acts rather childishly, because he was used to be mothered by his parents and his older siblings, and he is more open about his emotions than others can be, he even has trouble hiding them when necessary.

[thefandomdirtymind]

I love your sanji fics so much it’s crazy, I was wondering if you could make an angsty sanji fic!!

A/N IMPORTANT:  Hi anon ! Damn this one have make me doubts myself. Angst wasn't my strong suit but I had this idea about those mistake you made when your young and the result push me to ask myself what I would do in those kind of situation and how much a person can grow from his mistake. I also enjoy write more of Zeff, even adding a little Bonus scene. Thank you for your request !

Shout out again for : @alienstardustwrites !

Oregano and others things

Soundtrack : Mine by Kelly Clarkson

OPLA - Sanji

Warning: Angst, Cheating theme, young mistake, redemption

Sanji / OPLA Masterlist and Coming Soon

* English is not my first language, I tried really hard to correct myself but, I hope you will excuse me if some mistakes are still there.

----

The water was agitated, making your little marchand boat tang a little more than to your liking. Taking a deep breath, watching the floating restaurant in front of you, you know what you have to do. You have to put your feet on that dock, wear the waiter uniform waiting for you, help Zeff with his understaffed problem and come back home. Simple, truly a walk in the park. All that and…avoid Sanji.

You came from a respectable family of fishermen and herborists selling their catch on the local market. Little girl, you were in charge of carrying the ice for the cold table and wrapping the customers' fish. You will always remember the day your parents had started making business with Zeff. The tall man, even sitting at the little table in the back of the stall, was imposing enough to at the same time scare you and make you curious. But, the little blond boy, only a few years older than you, following him like his shadow, intrigues you even more. 

As you grow up, gaining new responsibility in the shop, you soon regularly help your dad doing the delivery to the Barratie, having the chance to pass some time with Sanji. Their pretext being that you would both benefit from having somebody your own age around, even if it’s for a few hours when it was in reality, for them, a moment to share a drink and talk supplies. The young cook would usually profit from this occasion to make you taste his cooking and ask you many questions about your knowledge on fish. 

Adolescent, you had at many occasions,succeeded to sneak out of the not so watching eyes of the adult to respond to some question like only puberty could ask. Partner in crime for many first in your life, it was now hurting you like a knife in the wound to see him, an hour, a minute, a second.

Pushing the side door of the restaurant, many fabulous smells filling your nose, you quickly make your way to the changing room. Place which had welcomed many child games like Hide and Seeks and other less childish things like : what’s hiding under those clothes.    

It wasn't the first time that you were serving tables for the Baratie. Your loyalty was, of course, going to your family,putting them first. But often, in occasional need like this, you had accepted to cover some shift to help. However, it's been a few years since you came back here for more than an exchange of ingredients and money. But, like riding a bike, you could remember the important stuff and Zeff had assured your dad that nothing had changed. You wish you could have liked to say the same. 

Freshly changed, taking a nervous deep breath but confident,  you exited the room, not noticing the tall blond getting out of the kitchen, angrily putting back his suit jacket.

Sanji couldn’t believe it, it was the second time this week that Zeff was rejecting one of his creative plates, sending him to play the waiter. Didn’t the old man see that his mediocre menu was killing him, and making him serve tables was the ultimate insult. He was, after all, the best cook of all this shitty restaurant.     

A vision pushes him, half-way in a move to pick a fresh tray of rolled bread, to stop ruminating his dark cloud to instead freeze in place.  

A little writing pad in hand, you hair styled into a practical but elegant way, your old uniforme clinging to your curve, you were standing in front of a table of happy imbeciles ( ready to all order medium well prime ribs for sure he presume) who’s was devouring you with their eyes. But the worst, for Sanji, was your smile, a generic one but a rare sign he hadn’t had the joy to see for way too long. 

Seeing you like that, moving like a fish in the water around the tables, was bringing back the best and the worst moment of his life all at once,twisting his guts. And he knew exactly who to blame for that. 

Turning on his heels, returning in the busy kitchen, his footstep quick and stiff, he easily spotted his mentor. 

“ Zeff, why the hell is she here ?” Sanji asked, not feeling the need to clarify who ‘she’ could be. The old pirate already knew, of course, only him could have made her come to help as a waiter.

“ We’re under staff, little eggplant, she knows the job. Deal with it.” Zeff replied, his focus on inspection of the plates ready to go. 

“ Really, even after you know our history ? Let me bring back your ex here and tell you the same. Would you deal with it ? “ 

“ Ex and History” The old man crackle” Is that what you call your little pathetic teenage adventure ? Anyway,you’re welcome to try to bring my Ex here, but I encourage you to prepare yourself to freeze your arse off. The bottom of the sea is pretty cold, just like that fucking witch. “ 

“ We don’t need her. We can absolutely run the restaurant like we have always do “ 

“ Sure we can,little eggplant, but we run way better now that she is with us. Anyway for what you did to the poor girl you deserve to feel some guilt. Now stop whining and get out of my kitchen ! “ The chef cut the discussion crossing his arms, his expression dissuading any replies. 

His lips pressed in a thigh line, facing his second defeat of the day against the old man, Sanji makes his way to the double door, before stopping at only a few each of the exit, his breath stuck in his throat. 

Entering the overheated place, ready to ask for the order of your customers, you briefly meet his gaze, momentarily losing your smile, regaining it as you face Zeff. 

“ Four prime ribs…” You begin to say. 

“ Let me guess, medium well ?” Sanji sarcastically said from the doors.

“Medium well for table five “ You still finished trying to ignore his chuckles or the caress of his gaze on you after so long. 

“ Ignore him, little peach. Four prime rib mediums-well for table five !” Zeff advises you, before shouting the order. 

“ I do my best uncle…Chef “ You smile, remembering your kitchen manners.  

“ This table seems like a bunch of idiots, let me serve them for you “ The blond offered, his voice softened. 

“ I can handle them myself, thank you “ You coldly replied,leaving him behind, trying to regain control of your emotions. Even after all those years, your traitorous heart was responding to his presence.  

Making a stop at a few of your tables, seeing on the side Sanji do the same on his own. You gave table five their drink. It was obvious that those four weren't the best sailor sailing on the east blue. It was in fact, almost a miracle that people around them hadn’t complained since they were one of the most noisy tables around. But, you didn’t need his help, you will follow the plan even if the avoid part was now near impossible. 

“ two old fashioned, a whisky net, a beer and a long Island “ You enumerate, placing the drink in front of the right person, putting the last one in the middle. “ You’re order is place in the kitchen I will come back soon to give you your food” 

“ Wait pretty ! “The taller one exclaimed, pushing gently the long island in front of you “ This one's for you “

“ I’m sorry, I can’t accept it or drink on the job.” You declined,plastering a polite smile on your lips. 

“ Oh come on pretty, only a sip, we will not tell ! “ Another with greasy hair laughs. 

“ No thank you, Gentleman, I will come back with your order soon “ You firmly answer suddenly feeling the hand of the tall one grab you arm. 

“ It’s not polite, we had brought you something, you could at least drink a little of it with us.” 

Opening your mouth to put them back at their place, you hear Sanji behind you, his voice cold as ice. 

“ First of all, a gentleman should never force a lady or touch her without consent “ The blond tells, removing finger by finger the hand of the man on your arm. “ Second, the lady say no, drink yourself your poisonous gift and let her work in peace.”

“ Sanji, it’s okay, those gentlemen were about to lower their tone and let me go” You explain embarrassedly, looking around to see many side eyes enjoying the drama. Pirates, as well as most of people,were always fond of dramas.

“ Calm down, we are only trying to know her better “ The third protest, throwing to your Ex a dark gaze. 

“ Trying to know her,while she is stuck at serving you and already told you no.”

“ Sanji…” You tried. 

“ It isn’t a way to treat a lady forcing her to endure your deplorable attempt. Just face it, she’s too good for all of you” Sanji finished.

“ Oh, that’s it, you want her for you lover boy “ The taller laugh” Sorry to say it to you but at the gaze she give you, you seem to have less chance that’s us” 

“ Oh no, not at all. I already have the pleasure to kiss her sweet lips, even if she annoy by me, I could never be lower than you.” The blond smirked. 

“ That’s enough ! Gentlemen, I came back with your plate. Please lower your tone, you disturb the dining room and you,come with me !” You said,taking Sanji's hand, forcing his taller stature than yours to follow you in one of the storage rooms. 

The room, lit by a solitary lightbulb, was one you didn’t come to really often, only once in fact and it was that fatidical day. Surrounded by the many shelfs full of goods, you take three deep breaths before facing the only one you wanted to not face today. 

“This was ridiculous” You abruptly said“ Everything was under control and they didn’t have to know our past history.” 

“ Under control ? “ Sanji laughed,closing his eyes before tilting his head. “ Ma chérie, he gripped your arm. I know you hate that I was right about those idiot but I truly had help you there” 

“ I’m not your chérie, not anymore” You remind him, the old wound reopening slowly.

You could perfectly remember that day. You turned seventeen in two days and, as your birthday was approaching, your dad had promised you that you would be the one doing the delivery alone to the Baratie for now on. Excited about the news, you had sailed to tell Sanji the good news. But, as you had searched the kitchen, the dinner room and even climbed to his room, you couldn’t find him. It’s only when a cook told you he had seen him near the storage that you regain hope. However, as you were approaching the room, you didn’t have the force to go further.

His hands, who had so gently touched you, were locked around another girl's waist, his lips you loved so much pressed against hers. Only his gaze, enlarged in shock, was fixed on you. Tears were rolling on your cheeks without you even noticing that you were crying. The only thing you noticed was a piercing pain in your chest and your body reacting by himself, stepping away as Sanji was trying to reach you, calling your name, telling you that he was sorry. 

You hadn’t answered, running as fast as you can. This year, you didn’t make the delivery at the Baratie. It was only when your father felt sick that you finally take your place in the delivery bargain, only dealing with Zeff and no one else.  

“ You had broken my heart, Sanji, remember ? “ You painfully said, angry about yourself to hear a point of sadness in your voice.

“ Y/N I was young…” He sighs, guilt painting his trait.

But, as you were trying to calm your heart,years of anger filling your veins.

“ You were young…that's your excuse ?!” You spit, your hand turning into fist. “ After all those years, I was waiting for an explanation who’s never come, crying every night. I finally thought I was able to get over it but it was it...you were young ?…I was too ! “

“  I know I am the one at fault here but you weren't the only one to suffer” Sanji muttered, his gaze darken, refusing to meet yours “ I didn’t know why I did it, and would you have accepted to see me, talk to me ? Your father was looking at me like he wanted to gutter me like his fish and Zeff wasn’t better, kicking me everytime he heard you were crying, whether it was my fault or not ! “ 

“And for today ? If it should have one who doesn't want to see the other it should be me. So what’s your problem !?” You abruptly asked. 

“ My problems…My problems is that I hate having to fight everyday with Zeff about his shitty menu and I hate he put fucking oregano everywhere ! I hate that he has asked you to help knowing how it will make me feel, I hate how sexy you look in that uniform and the way that throws me back. I hate those guys who hit on you without knowing how a fucking brat you can be. “ 

Sanji answered, passing angrily his hand on his hair,planting his gaze in yours. 

“But I hate even more that I was scared of my feelings back then ! I was a coward okay, you were amazing I freak out ! I used to think about how to impress Zeff every day and night, new recipes or new knowledge to become the best chef but the only thing I was about to think about was you. If you would come with your dad the next day, would you enjoy my Risotto or hate it? Should I make you something sweet ? Did you enjoy our kisses as much as me? How can your skin be so soft under my hands or did my hand feel too rough? Did you think of me as much as I did of you? I was falling in love so fast with you but I knew I didn’t deserve you.”

Letting a sigh escape his lips as his voice takes a more annoyed or that is an embarrassed tone as he continues his confession. You couldn’t turn your gaze of his, mute by his raw feeling finally exposed. 

“Yet, the worst of all is that I hate the fact that I still do it after all those years. Every night I ask myself if you will be the one doing the delivery tomorrow, will I be able to have a glance of you or will you finally meet my gaze, will you stay mute like everytime or finally say hello and forgive me, that’s is my problems Y/N” 

You didn’t know at first what to say, anger having left his place to sadness. As you were standing both still. You could clearly tell by some details in his features and physics how much he had grown since the last time you had stood like that face to face. But being scared wasn’t a reason, neither erased his act or the pain you had endured. Worst, how could you trust him after all this. 

“ Well, at least after all this time, I have answers. Yes, I think about you everyday. But it also hurts me everyday,how could I trust you, I don’t know you anymore. The last time I was here we were young and you made the choice to hurt me. It’s too late for us,maybe we could try again someday, in another life. “

Leaving him behind, heading back to the restaurant level, trying to catch the tears from falling out of your eyes, you distantly heard Zeff asking you if everything was okay. Nodding of the head, putting back a smile on your lips, you take your orders and come back to the dining area. 

As the sun was pursuing its course, coloring the sky with a vibrant shade of orange, pink and purple. You gave a hug to Zeff, his smell, a mix of leather, sea salt and spice recomforting you.

“ Thank you for your help Little Peach. I know it wasn’t easy with…all this…but you truly help us today “ He tells, freeing you of his bear hug. 

“ I was glad to be able to help Uncle Zeff” 

Lifting his gaze to the restaurant, the old man seems to shortly struggle to find his words, playing nonchalantly with one of his braids.

“ Sanji isn’t a bad kid, a brat who made some terrible mistake, yes, but I think he really regretted what he had done. I made him regret it too for your sake of course, little Peach…But I saw how his mistake had made him grow. Sometimes you have to lose a treasure you thought was already yours to realize how important it was for you. “ 

“ I know Zeff “ You smiled, letting so many things go unsaid,trying not to cry again. After all, how do you explain to the old man that feeling of not knowing that man in a suit when you had only known him with a cook uniform or unable to knot a necktie.Or knowing perfectly why his loyalty to the pirate chef will forever prevent him from leaving the restaurant.“ Same hour tomorrow ? ��� 

“ Like always” The old chef smiles, helping you step in your small boat, watching you leave his dock. “ Keep your feet dry “

—

A week later. 

The fresh air of the morning was filling your lungs. On the water, the fishing boat was immobile, painting a peaceful image succeeding alway to put you at ease. 

As you were preparing the stall, for your opening of the day, careful adjusting the spice jars on their little shelfs, waiting for the fisherman to bring your fresh fish, you heard a small cough. 

“ So it was you who sold all that oregano to the old man, “ Sanji's voice gently said, as if he was trying to not scare you away. 

Standing at only a few steps of you, a duffel bag on his shoulder, his suit and tie impeccable in the sleepy dock market, you take a full minute to process his presence. 

“ You had left The Baratie…” You shockingly said, more a realization of a thing you thought would never happen than a question. “ I mean, what are you doing here ?” You finally asked, still unsure if it wasn’t a trick of your brain. Young Sanji would never leave the restaurant or miss an opportunity to learn kitchen tricks, other than for necessary utility.

“ Yes, Zeff had sent me as a return of favor for the help you gave us and I didn’t protest” He replied, taking a few precautionary steps, the idea that you still could decide to attack him by throwing one of the jars at his face, not far in his brain. “His precise words were to work my ass off or be ready to have my butt kicked. Look, I know that I mess up everything and I will regret it all my life. But I’m well intended to work right today and prove to you that we can maybe have a…fresh start ? “ 

“ A fresh start “ You repeat, considering the idea. Even if nothing could change the past, you had, in the last week, known that climbing to it now that you had your answers wouldn’t help you in any aspect of your life. And, now that miracle seems to happen, it was maybe all you need. “ You will not say to the clients that oregano is for savages, is that clear ? “ 

“ Even if it’s the truth ? “ He asked, an amused smile playing on his lips. “ We will have to review the quantity you send to the restaurant it’s way too high “ 

“ You really have a problem with it are you “ You let yourself joke. 

"Hadn’t hated another herbs as much as this one, “ Sanji replied, putting aside his bag.

“ Maybe your taste is just too fancy” You laugh, feeling your heart seem to regain its pace for the first time in a long time.

“ Maybe that’s why your lips always look to me like a one of a kind delicacy “ Sanji flirted. 

“ Sanji, fresh start !” You laugh, returning to your opening preparation. “ Just for that you will refill the oregano jar ! “ 

“ Yes Madam “ The blond cook responded, a smile on his lips, a spark you thought long gone freshly back in his eyes. “ Fresh start “ 

—-

Bonus : 

His old back against one of the piles supporting the platform surrounding the restaurant, his wooden leg removed, Zeff was smiling. 

“ They aren’t bad kids, mistakes have been made, kicks have been given. But it’s the good things in life. Errors make you grow and paths who’s we thought never crossed come back. Often it doesn't work, but I hope for them it will.” 

“ I hope Zeff, you have grown too, you had more lines in your face than the last time”  The timeless woman said, his head resting on his crossed arms, the lower half of his body undulating in the dark water.  

“ It’s not everybody who’s an immortal sea witch, “ Zeff replied. 

“ I had offered you to share my ageless life, you had decline it “ She remind him. 

“ The little eggplant needed me, he was only a child. But I never thought you would forget us on that rock. “ He argued, still bitter of the memory. 

“ Time is an abstract notion for us, but you survive, don't you ? “ The sea witch smiles, having the decency to look embarrassed of his own mistake.

“ Will you forget me when I die” Zeff asked. 

“ Probably, but the water will remind me of Red boots Zeff and his sacrifice to save a little human.” She simply said, returning into the deep of the sea.

Turning his gaze to the stars, Zeff smiled.

---

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i'm on my aspd izaya bullshit again but like. thru this lens, isnt his arc a perfect encapsulation on how aspd negatively affects the person that has it? even to this day, many professionals do not believe that pwASPD suffer from aspd. like at all. to the point where aspd was specifically listed as an outlier to the "patient distress is what defines a disorder" rule in an abnormal psych textbook

(see why i don't respect the field?)

but... he does suffer! a lot! like- remember his speech to mikado at the end of the first arc? how you need to keep evolving, keep changing in order to escape the mundane? how you have to keep going and going and going, wether it be aiming high or low?

yeah. normal people don't need to do this, izaya. you are a broken person.

but why SHOULD he be content with the mundane? the things people usually have that make them content with daily life- friends, family, a purpose, a distinct lack of extreme chronic boredom that drives you to do completely insane shit- izaya doesn't HAVE any of that!

"wait, chronic boredom?" i hear yall thinking. maybe. "isnt that an adhd thing?"

more than one disorder can have the same symptom. theres like a billion that have "want to die" as a symptom. but i dont really blame you for not knowing, its not talked about much

studies have shown that aspd and adhd are both problems with the dopamine receptors in the brain. more specifically, adhd is a chronic deficiency of dopamine, whereas with aspd, when you DO get dopamine, your brain gives you quardruple the normal amount.

studies have ALSO shown there to be a sort of... adhd to aspd pipeline. the story goes like this: you have a kid with adhd. maybe they're born like that, maybe the symptoms developed from trauma (which can happen? apparently??) anyway. kid gets abused. kid develops conduct disorder as a result of that abuse, as a natural extension of the existing adhd symptoms. they're MORE impulsive, which leads to them hurting others- and if it sets off the dopamine receptors, an abused kid starving for happiness and power is gonna chase it, no matter what. theyre like, six, they dont know anything about like. morality. all they know is, theyre sad and this makes them happy. anyway kid never gets treated, abuse continues to exasperate the symptoms, and now you have an adult with aspd, AND the original adhd diagnosis! and ptsd, which is HIGHLY comorbid with aspd! and probably another personality disorder, because you're actually statistically more likely to have two of them!

anyway! that's ONE of the ways aspd can develop from trauma, which it is Known To Do.

does any of that sound pleasant to go through? at all?

let me ask you a question:

imagine you aren't getting dopamine. maybe it's your adhd. maybe you're depressed. either way, you try to get it any way you can. wether it's throwing yourself into a hobby or a job, so the sense of satisfaction gives you dopamine, or something like drugs or gambling.

now, imagine that "rush" you felt. was Four Times Stronger.

wouldnt that compel you to do increasingly dangerous and risky shit, just to feel okay? imagine if you had no friends. imagine if this was your only way to be happy. wouldnt you, eventually, stop caring about others and only care about yourself? after all, other people have thinga like friends and a family that you don't have. they have a fallback. you only have this.

and you might say, "i'd never do that!" but every addict says that, and most eventually cross that line out of sheer desperation. and this? effectively makes you into a dopamine addict. which is dangerous! you can't just STOP... gettng dopamine....! it's necessary! but you have no help so you keep doing what youre doing. (and how could you get help? its baked into the system that people like you don't suffer. why try if youll just get burned?

anyway, back to izaya.

he's lonely. he has one friend and he sucks. he feels compelled to do these things even though he KNOWS it'll hurt him.

i stole this screenshot from some1 who insulted my friend once for something stupid <3 die

but it illustrates my point very well! does it look like he has much control over things?? he sure like to ACT like he does, but at the end of the day, he doesn't, really. he ends up spiraling more and more, doing increasingly risky and rash things, just to get his end goal... which is to die and ascend to the afterlife. a lofty goal.

aiming high, isn't he? a final, spectacular evolution.

or, it should have been.

but it wasn't.

izaya's impulses and deep desire to continue becoming more and more drastic, coupled with his lack of personal ties to anyone that could keep him from doing so....

it didn't make him ascend. it left him in a wheelchair, with chronic pain that will last his whole life.

THAT is where mental illness takes you. it doesn't make you a hollywood psychopath, reveling in the destruction you chose, of your own free will, wholly and truly, to cause. it makes you want More. no matter what, you need More. you see people content with lives worse than yours, everyone bound together with some sort of invisible thread, some sort of tie that keeps them together. a thread that missed you. your brain refuses to see people as people, thus you remain lonely forever, unsatiafied wirh company other than the superficial, because it's fun. that's all you're allowed to care about. an endless cycle of bigger and bigger actions, impulses slowly getting worse--

--and the worst part is, it tricks you into believing you ever had a choice. it tricks everyone into believing you had a choice. your suffering is worse than disregarded, to all the people you look at from your apartment, all the people you wish you could have been like.

it's nonexistant.