#i had one of those moments where i was like 'wow. you don't need therapy. you just need to blast your favourite song in the car'

[possibilistfanfiction]

Omg i would loveee to read more about Cait’s difficulty dealing with changes when it comes to Vi specifically. The part where you wrote about her going to cry in the washroom when Vi got her summer haircut was adorable but also intrigued me to the point that I was thinking about what else, small things or big changes, she would have difficulty with? And how Vi helps her out in those moments with understanding?

sry i'm just going to be answering a few of these prompts that will show up being explored more in the longer vander fic (the wildfires are delaying my finishing it but one day!)

but ok for now :)

i think for the most part cait just has a hard time processing when ppl change physically (which is common w ppl on the spectrum etc, like girl me too! lol). it's not that she wants to control vi (or anyone!), but just that she processes her own self & appearance in relation to the ppl she's familiar with & cares for. when something changes suddenly it feels rly unsettling & upsetting bc she has to process it all way too fast for her brain, & it feels like her routine / understanding of the world is v abruptly disrupted. it's happened since she was little (& honestly even w her transition she obviously was very sure & excited & so relieved when she got the care she wanted, but she had to talk a lot abt it in therapy to feel ready! again, so fair!!)

the first time it happens w vi, she's like both upset & also extremely embarrassed bc a) vi looks hot? truly a great look, cait loves it & she's so handsome; b) even if she didn't, vi's body is her own & it's one of the things caitlyn cares abt the most -- making sure vi's autonomy is respected & celebrated; c) it made vi happy. so she's like upset, & then upset AT herself for being upset, & then kinda mortified bc she cried in a bathroom lol (to make matters worse jinx also witnessed her little meltdown)

vi just wants to take care of ppl tho & so obviously she's not mad, just kinda confused. she sends jinx off on some errand even tho jinx is like well *i* understand why she's upset but whatever, fine, i'll go pick up ice cream with your credit card :)

so cait & vi do talk & cait is like i'm sorry you look so handsome, i will explain. & she does & vi is like huh, ok. that's rly easy for me to help you with, i don't mind at all (bc it is easy & she rly genuinely doesn't mind)

so in the future if vi wants a haircut or a new tattoo or something she just tells cait like 2 weeks in advance & invites cait to come if she wants. sometimes it helps to see the change happening so she can process it beforehand & also in real time. vi just kind of does it w jinx too bc she'll talk abt it in front of both of them & jinx is like wow this is kinda nice, thanks cait :)

she probably needs a whole new round of therapy abt it once they have a kid bc vi understands cait's timing now but children are just growing & changing constantly lol. but she's the best mom, it's all good

[daddy-long-legssss]

There ain't no use in cryin'. It doesn't change anything, so baby what good does it do? x

[loonyoz]

Part of what I love about Wyll is how he feels like a character you have to keep pulling back the layers on. Like one of those 3d puzzles you think you’ve got figured out and then you realize you’re right back where you started. Which I guess is just the long way of saying he's a well made character. I’m gonna do a play by play of my first interactions with him to illustrate my point:

When you first meet him you’re like omfg who is this boy with the dramatic theater kid entrance lmao. Wyll, you are so dorky (affectionate).

You next see him helping tiefling kids learn to fight. Not in a harsh militaristic way, more in a gentle and even playful way (eg. When you play as Wyll you can tell them dramatic stories about how Wyll slayed a dragon.) You're like oh yeah this guy has the whole hero thing going on. Very disney prince over here.

Then you talk to him and he talks about an evil devil that must be killed with such adamance and determination. You're like oh wow he can get pretty intense. He's so determined about this, he's willing to put aside the pressing threat of ceremorphosis. This kind of unmoving moral stance, this very good and serious abt it thing, it gives off paladin vibes imo

Ok so thats two sides of him, dramatic storybook hero and strong willed paladin.

Then you get to the confrontation with Karlach, and pretty quickly realize this flaming hot cheeto (idk why I called her that ok, but im leaving it in) of a tiefling shouldn't be killed. Wyll takes some convincing and you're like Wyll you dumbass you're seeing what Im seeing right? The tadpole is showing us she's innocent, why dont you believe that?

Then its only till later you realize he had so many good reasons to hesitate:

He has been doing this job for 7 years now, to break off from the script he's used to, is a risky thing. If he cant trust his 7 years of experience he's left floundering. If he cant trust that he's been only killing evil, then he's broken his moral code too. (If I were in his shoes id for sure be having an existential crisis)

He's learned the hard way to distrust devils, what if Karlach is tricking everyone into thinking she's innocent?

Or maybe he's scared of what it will mean if he doesn't kill her, he'll be breaking his pact, and the consequences for that will most definitely be harsh. I don't think that's selfish or cruel of him to consider killing her out of fear of what will happen if he doesn't. I think Wyll would be unfair to himself for those thoughts tho. Like the whole airplane oxygen mask analogy is a good way to talk about it. Wyll would go to every passenger on the plane and make sure their masks are on, then collapse from oxygen deprivation because he never put his own on. Perhaps an extreme and unrealistic scenario, but illustrative of his admirable but harmful self sacrifice.

In summary, his hesitation and need to be convinced shows a lovely amalgamation of his character, his life experience, and his values, and how it results in a moment of conflict and indecision.

But it takes very little to convince him not to kill karlach. You tell him twice that Karlach is no threat/innocent, and he stops panicking, and pulls himself together with the kind of emotional control/repression that makes you go "uh oh babes has unresolved trauma and needs therapy"

His ability to listen to others when people tell him he's wrong shows that he has a flexibility and emotional maturity that is unlike the stereotypical paladin. Once he realizes Karlach is innocent, the rules he follows no longer matter to him.

He resigns himself to his fate because for him there is no other way for it to be. This shows that no matter how theatrical his heroics appear, it is not merely a guise. You can trust that he truly cares for people because he is willing to sacrifice himself for the sake of a stranger.

Then Mizora shows up and his response is to argue against her, to say, "you told me no innocents". Which shows once again where his priorities lie, now that injustice has been pointed out to him he will use every ounce of his will to fight it. It also shows that human weakness again too. His fallibility (I mean who can blame him devils are great manipulators) and his worried questioning of the rules that he has followed for so long.

And then when you put all the drama aside, and listen to his lighthearted dialogue you remember/realize he’s also very goofy and the kind of chill guy you’d want to invite to every friend hangout.

asfgjkl; anyway I have way too many thoughts and feelings abt this guy. If you read all this damn. But lmk what you guys think about my reflections!

Also shoutout to all of the fic writers and random fan posts ive read that have inspired some of these thoughts

[cairavende]

Worm Arc 9 thoughts:

Not enough of my daughter. Where is my baby girl? Though I do enjoy getting different PoVs. It'll work for a little bit.

Weld is neat. Didn't feel great about him at first but he grew on me. His scene with Vista made me love him. He's a good kid. (He should probably have learned Aegis, Gallant, and Browbeat's names before talking to the team the first time though)

On the note of that scene - THEY HAD A THERAPIST THIS ENTIRE TIME? The Wards had a therapist available to them and no one was having them see said therapist after 3 of their teammates died? Piggot is so bad at this.

Me reading Flechette's chapter with the aim of making her gay as I have done with everyone else: "Oh wow this is a really easy one!"

I wanted to see more of Parian sooo badly after I first saw her and I'm so fucking glad this is how I see her! Flechette and Parian are wonderful and I hope they get gay married and retire together.

Me saying that probably highly increases the chance that one of them dies in the future.

I'm very glad Flechette gave up on Shadow Stalker. I like Flechette and she shouldn't have to deal with that asshole.

I feel so bad for Clockblocker. He's just a kid and his dad is dying and that sucks. I wanna bake him some cookies or something.

The professor of that class was so clearly identifiable as "one of those professors". All "up until now you haven't had to think, but in Parahumans 103 you'll need to think and I'm not gonna baby you yada yada". It's still just a 100 level course dude, geeze. Get off your high horse.

Clockblocker and Vista are siblings and I love their dynamic.

Despite me feeling for these kids some, the second the Travelers started clowning on them I was enjoying the shit out of myself.

Fucking Trickster is just so much damn fun. His powers are cool and he really lives up to his name. I love him.

Glory Girl getting rocketed off into the sky by Ballistic had me in tears from laughter.

Kid Win has ADHD. I was sure Kid Win had ADHD before I even started on the Kid Win chapter where he says he has ADHD. Someone get this kid some Adderall. And some therapy for all that self doubt and imposter syndrome.

Kid Win also didn't even hesitate to illegally spy on Chariots personal computer by hacking into the wi-fi, so that doesn't give me great confidence in the Wards following rules. Or any heroes. I'm sure that won't ever come up again though.

These Slaughter House Nine guys I'm sure won't be a big deal. They won't do horrible things to hundreds of people. Gonna be taken care of by heroes off screen during the next arc. No worries at all!

Vista joined the team when she was 10? The superhero team that has to deal with death on a semi-regular basis and terrifying violence all the time. That team. She joined it when she was TEN?! Shitty system you guys have here!

Saved the best for last - SHADOW STALKER GETTING FUCKING MEMED ON BY MY WONDERFUL DAUGHTER! (And my daughters friends)

God I wasn't sure about her chapter at first. She is so mean and I didn't necessarily want to spend a long time in her head watching her be mean. But then my daughter showed up in a swarm of bugs and fucked up a bunch of Nazis and I knew everything was going to be ok.

The instant Shadow Stalker started to follow Skitter I knew she was gonna get fucking wrecked. I don't know why I knew, maybe I just know my daughter well enough. But no matter the reason I was so happy to watch it happen. Wasn't worried for Skitter at any moment cause I knew she was gonna bitch slap this asshole.

Just. Damn I fucking LOVE watching my daughter just be a goddess of bugs and go to town.

I could keep going about Shadow Stalker getting absolutely destroyed for who knows how long, so I'll just have to stop myself.

And we see a new person with the Undersiders, did Aisha get her powers? I'm so happy for her! I can't wait to see what they are.

Imp is a great name and it's kinda fucking bonkers it wasn't taken by somebody else already.

Did I mention Shadow Stalker getting clowned?

Cause she did.

Just completely baited and then my wonderful baby girl even got to tase her. I'm so happy for her. Sometimes a little violence is the answer.

[storiesofsvu]

Okay, I just finished reading Classified Affair and I really needed a cute story with Ms. Dunber, maybe a story with a few chapters? Just kidding, unless someone accepts :)? Well yeah, but the thing is, this story really got me in so many different ways, you know, and you are a complete talent for being able to transform me into this emotional mess, and after reaching the end I can only thinking "Wow, a new story (because I've read everything you've written) would be great." I think it's amazing how it was possible to go from loving to hating to liking Heather again in the story, and it really makes me think how things would be if the way she acted in relation to the confession of love, if things had happened differently perhaps under different conditions, or with her knowing how to take the lead and solving things as it should. Dude, sorry for the monologue, lol, but I don't know, the story really touched me and nothing fairer than me sharing this with the person who made it. I just wanted to let out everything that made me feel this story, thank you for your time and sorry for anything.

hahahah yeah that one's a wild ride.

I currently don't have any requests for Heather. I've gone one tiny little WIP but it is a leftover from a holiday bingo last year so it won't be picked up til Nov/Dec. Feel free to take a look through some prompt lists and if something jumps out at you, send in a request or two! (i am no longer writing series, mini series or two parters though)

As for CA:

-first, thank you!

-second: there is a follow up series that takes place I think 7 years (and oh so much therapy) later where Heather's back in DC and slowly repairing her relationships.

-third: for CA I have this version of Heather in my head that is an alternate universe sort of era. There's a lot that goes into making her this twisted, toxic person that she is and that starts a very long time ago and is enforced by every big decision that she has to make in her life. This is gonna get long so it's going under a readmore and this is kinda my character study of her in this fic/universe i guess lol

i've toyed around with writing a prequel for this fic to explain why she is the way she is and it's basically this

-heather knew she wanted a successful career from the start, that she wanted a government job and wanted to get as high up (and thus powerful) as she could, esp if that meant a presidency. That's what she's been focused on since day one. She knows that she has a higher chance of being a better candidate if she has the picture perfect family, white picket fence and all. Even if it may not be what she wants. She marries her high school sweetheart, her first kid is meticulously planned and born in the gap between college and law school. her second was an earlier surprise and ends up being born while she's finishing law school. This leaves them living out of state with the help of house staff that she doesn't really know with the kids. I kinda also canon becca to have been a super needy baby that heather didn't know how to deal with, hence why she ends up high key resenting her as she grows up.

-So she's trapped into all of this from a very young age, she knows that in the long run it'll help with what she wants but in the moment, she kinda hates it and ships them off to boarding school as soon as she can to get some of the major stress out of her life. Because of course she has incredibly high standards for herself in all aspects of life and she feels like a failure of a mother.

-there are two major components of life that can turn people into worse people and those are power and money. Heather has had money all her life, and like, a fuck ton of family money that isn't going anywhere. She's likely already used to throwing money around to get what she wants and isn't used to being told no (and this comes up n one of the follow ups that it's a generational thing, her mom is just as bad as she is). With the power, you'll notice in CA that the closer she gets to that presidential spot, the more she starts to lose it. That's all she can see, she's blinded by it and only her career. She's watching her family fall apart around her, being served divorce papers, and she doesn't actually hit rock bottom until she's lost her job. That's when things start to come a little clearer for her.

-I explain this because: if you asked her (prior to all the therapy lol) she 100% did react properly to the reveal that yn had developed feelings. Heather went into every SB relationship with contracts, ndas and expectations. They knew she was marred and she both couldn't and wouldn't give that up to risk a try at something that might not work and would definitely damage her political image. She went extra hard on yn about it to create that clean break if yn wasn't able to get her shit together, so she wouldn't come crawling back, if that makes sense.

-by the time we meet heather in this story, she's just already toxic af. and she doesn't know right from wrong because she's been so wrapped up in her head and doing whatever she has to to get what she wants. she's so twisted that she doesn't even know herself by the end of it. AND let's not forget that somewhere along the way she's also likely having some kind of sexual identity crisis too lol.

-i have had some people say that they could see heather and yn working out if they worked through things, or that they *should* but i personally do believe that yn saw toxic and slowly figured out she wanted out, that there was no way to make it work even if heather wanted to. there would be so much to untangle considering heather legitimately owned her by that stage. everything important heather had bought. there was a HUGE power imbalance and financial imbalance and that's exactly why heather went for her in the first place. there could be some speculation that yn was the first girl heather *actually* had feelings for and that sparked an even bigger fire to the explosion because heather was even more confused at herself and didn't know how to untangle that web. she went back to her default of being mean. and i think in all three parts of the story that piece is never really figured out, heather's not sure. so that's left up to the readers interpretation

anyways, i don't know if that's the kind of response you wanted but that's what ive got for you lol. thank you for your kind words, i hope you're having a wonderful day!

no reason to apologize and always feel free to come scream in my inbox about my fics (especially ones like this lol)

[resolvedbrunette]

the 'whole other post'

okay so january, i became close friends fairly quickly with a girl from a class we shared. by april we were going mad places, going to the movies, having sleepovers, etc.

late april i go to library where she's got some mutual friends + friends of friends, we're all helping to de-escalate a situation. there's this guy who she apparently thinks is hot, i also kind of think he's hot, but he's interested in her, not me. whatever. don't care.

so further de-escalation, we spur of the moment decide hey yeah let's all have dinner together ??????? just-bpd-moments (on her part i assume but boy i love impulses too) so yep we all have dinner and it's so obvious she likes him a lot and he likes her back but he's poking at me and like. that's flirting to me, indirectly but yeah.

uh anyways later wow he has fancy car lmao i don't care but my friend is . knowing her. immediately obsessed

which continues and then within a week and a half they're dating and i'm involved with a friend of hers and then we're not involved, but her now-boyfriend just thinks i'm a silly goose and encourages my silly goose behavior at this party. this is when he takes us all home and i accidentally blab a huge open secret i have that he still pokes at me for to this day

hm. anyways. he visits her several times over the summer (THIS IS A 4 HOUR DRIVE ONE WAY MIND YOU) and like one time after my shift ends we all get together and it's weird. the closest i can describe to it is a friendship threesome and my friend keeps bringing up how we should date. bitch you guys are dating right now. "okay well what if i was dead" and being the obsessive rule follower i am socially i flat out refuse several times and he's like "maybe like 6 months after, maybe" OKAY??? fuck anyways yeah. grrrrrrr. and they're talking and flirting and i love being a third wheel to them except for when

she

says

him and i should date.

NO.

rest of the summer elapses and they're reading my fanfiction over a voice call and i hate everything, and they're drunk and she's sending me pictures of him sleeping like ????????????

so by mid august they've broken up because 1. his mom 2. his dad 3. she needs space for her mental health. ok. valid. ok. fine. hyeah. okay. woosah.

thus begins the chronicles of him and i being close friends, or closer i guess, because somewhere between church and lunch after that he pays for (thanks for that still, buddy, if you ever read this; that was the best ramen i ever had and it was because i had it with you) we take up a tiktok streak, and we're talking about what we had for breakfast, i'm telling him my new PR for running up 6 flights of stairs, he's sending me pictures of his cats, we're eating dinner, he's telling me he's in the hospital for an allergic reaction and she's blocked him. he almost died and she wouldn't have known except through me.

Did I fall in love? Is it entirely brotherly? The poetry says the first. Not the latter. The shakes I get around him - why are those? Everything is deranging.

But I tell her that he's going to help me get halloween costume items, and she's getting jealous that we're hanging out, everything i tell her about him becomes a carrot for her to hang out at him in these long strings

Hey Res told me you said X, is that true? Wowwww okay you couldn't have said that to me first? Damn. That's crazy. Wow. Okay anyways just wanted to tell you that. also I still hate you. Bye i guess

A diagnosis is not an excuse. I don't want to tell you things that you can use as a weapon. A diagnosis is not an excuse. He's in therapy now. NOW, of all times.

Several girlfriends, he has, allegedly, but have you ever considered that they were to try and cobble together to fill the void you left in him? You had sex with him and told him it was horrible and gave no recourse, no ability to fix it. You worshiped him when you had sex with him, and now you're making it seem like he was horrible for even consenting to it.

And I can't talk to either of you for a month, but do you know who I cried about on the way home last night? It sure wasn't you.

I don't know how to feel about you or him anymore. A diagnosis is not an excuse.

addendum 1

really, from what she's said and he's said, she just wants him for his status and money. hell the fuck no. leave that man the fuck alone. he wants a genuine connection. that man wants to be loved, just like you do, except yours is threaded through with obsession and it sure as hell ain't calm. but what do i know. i'm booboo the fool.

addendum 2

think i'm js tired of the drama really. aint no drama with him. they is major drama with her. i aint with it

[big-ass-magnet]

@queenofbaws tagged me in this thank you queenie :* I tag @experimentalmadness @jay-auris and all my other writers whose tumblr usernames I cannot remember.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Exactly 100! 39 of them are just for What We Do in the Shadows, thanks to the time I went insane and wrote a friend like 20 different fics for a Christmas exchange.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

375,883 WOW THAT'S A LOT HAHAHAHA

3. What fandoms do you write for?

oh goodness. Mass Effect and Dragon Age I'll always come back to; at the moment I've settled into Girl Genius.

4. Top five fics by kudos

Relationship Status: It's Really Complicated (Venom 2018)

The Things We Can't Take Back (What We Do in the Shadows)

Safe and Sound (Venom 2018)

A Hole in the Family Portrait (WWDITS)

A Change in Perspective (WWDITS)

5. Do you respond to comments?

I TRY I REALLY DO, even if it's just to say thank you

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

THAT IS A HARD QUESTION, I literally had to go back and review all my posted fics because I don't write a lot of angsty endings; I'm a happy ending bitch!!! I gotta end on love and light!

Timing, a Beast Wars fic that is probably the saddest and unsexiest smut I've ever written, about Rattrap mourning Dinobot after his death. I wrote it in college so it's old to be "oh god no never look at my old writing it's so embarrassing", so I'm afraid to look at it.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Also a hard question but for the opposite reason! I'm going to go with Consider This, where Cassandra realizes Varric is in love with Hawke based on how he writes in Tale of The Champion--and then makes it Varric's problem.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not out and out, but I've gotten a few "constructive criticisms" which made me feel so bad about the fic I stopped writing it--so yeah I'm going to call those hate. Just a few though, across my entire writing career.

9. Do you write smut?

Yes, but I go through phases where I'm so embarrassed about writing it and I'm sure people will think it's badly written, but in between those, I will write it. (I wrote...a lot of it...for wwdits).

10. Craziest crossover?

Fang and Fur and Snow - yes, it's my only crossover, but considering I only did it because both What We Do in the Shadows and Werewolves Within have a) werewolves and b) Harvey Guillen in them, I call it pretty crazy.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I've ever noticed.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes!! Best Served at Muzzle Velocity (sole survivor Shepard learns that shooting thresher maws on foot makes for great therapy) was translated into Russian here!

[They changed the title to A Dish That is Best Served From Service, which I've assumed means 'military service', which I thought was very cool!]

I was extremely flattered.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes, a couple! It was always a fun time.

14. All time favourite ship?

God. Hard to say. In terms of longevity, Shepard/Garrus, but Hawke/Varric is so consistently fun to write and read and they are such a perfect 'weird puzzle pieces that fit perfectly' ship it always makes me happy.

15. What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I try to never say never! ...but, When History Comes Calling was supposed to be the first in a series about the Shepard twins--one is taken by batarian slavers, one becomes Commander Shepard. I've got Kiryn the assassin and Commander Keris Shepard; I really wanted to do a companion piece with Commander Kiryn Shepard and Keris the gladiator.

Aaaand I haven't been able to. (I also wanted a sequel to WHCC and haven't had much luck with that either.)

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue for SURE. I'm very proud of my dialogue, both quality of writing and (in fics) how true to canon I can make it sound. If there's an audio component, I'm very good at mimicking the dialogue patterns of characters, to the point where I can tell I need to rework a line if I can't hear the character saying it in my head.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

PLOTS.

I have SUCH a hard time finding the inspiration and discipline to follow through with a long fic plot. Mostly I'll have a neat idea or scene, but not be able to come up with a story to carry it. You'll notice more than a few of my fics start in media res.

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

I want to know what people are saying!! I feel like I'm missing out on useful information/character stuff! (More than anything this is for conlangs, especially ones that aren't Klingon or Tolkien Elvish where only the author knows what any of it means. TELL ME WHAT IS HAPPENING.)

19. First fandom you wrote in?

Avatar the Last Airbender. I was a Zuko girlie and boy did I write for it. Those fics are long since lost in the depths of fanfic.net.

I lie. I remember my username. No you can't know.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

When History Comes Calling. I think it's one of my most inventive and interesting fics, with the strongest emotional writing, and a lot of really good action pieces. It's also one of the rare ones where I have a plot and plot twists and manage more than a handful of chapters.

[xanderxone]

9/18/2023

Journaling Is Stimming

The moment I fell in the autism rabbit hole, I started devouring videos and the ones about stimming always seemed to grab my attention. One idea that was consistent across all the videos is that autistic people stim to release excess energy that gets built up in their bodies. It has to do with the idea of autistic inertia which I will probably make a post about sometime later.

I have always had what I considered to be an overactive imagination. I often get stuck in my own fantasy worlds in my head or replay conversations or fret about the future or fret about the present or get so lost in a special interest that I can think of nothing else. Wow. I actually spend way more time in my own head than I thought. And while there are times where this is something that I absolutely love about myself, like when I have to drive 3 hours on a long boring highway to my hometown to visit my family. Sometimes I actually look forward to just having 3 hours alone in a car to list to music and let my mind roam. But for the other 99% of my life, I need to actually be present and paying attention. So now I will be on the lookout for my tell-tale circular thoughts so I can just write them down and get them out instead. I've also started to employ a similar strategy at work because I often find myself in situations where I have a question about something that will probably get answered later but I just want to make sure I don't forget to check it. And I have actually started to just write those things down in OneNote and saving them to review later. AND WHEN I TELL YOU THE STRESS THAT HAS JUST WASHED OFF OF ME BECAUSE NOW I KNOW I WON'T FORGET IT LATER IS PALPABLE. I feel like I love my job again and I feel the joy coming back that was gone for a long time.

And so, dear reader, I think if I start writing down anything that gets stuck inside my head, it will be a stim and move all that anxious energy outside of me. And in turn, I will be able to harness a lot more of my mental capacity for other, more important things. AND I WILL STOP FUCKING FORGETTING EVERYTHING.

An interesting emotion that all of this is bringing up is one of shame and humiliation. And I know that it's irrational so I'm keeping it at arm's length to avoid being truly upset by the emotion, but it's existence is intriguing. God I sound like a robot sometimes. Anyway, I think its because I feel really dumb for not realizing all of this sooner? I do struggle a lot with depersonalization issues which I think has also led to me not realizing I was trans until... the same time I learned I was autistic. Look, it's been a really long year, okay? But I think all of the things that have made me incredibly good at masking all these years are the same things that have made me feel like I have a very limited sense of self. I think I'm gonna work on developing one.

One last thing: I always felt like a journal had to be neat and organized and pretty or else it wasn't right. And so I would spend all this time trying to get it perfect and it wasn't sinking in that the whole point is to journal your thoughts and get them out. And so I just felt like it did nothing for me but it's because I was dumb. This blog will be a way for me to stim when I need to get things out. And then I'll also keep a pretty journal full of pages of stickers and pieces of paper that I rip up and glue down that can be a creative outlet for when I need to get out creative energy (it's called junk journaling and if you are a little packrat gremlin who loves tactile doodads and thingies and art, you will love it. And all of the supplies are SO CHEAP online. Look it up on tiktok. Trust me.)

I feel like I might be getting an A in therapy.

--Xander

[diariesof-kg]

Overwhelmed.

2024_20_10

I made a mistake in couples' therapy about wanting to move forward and move in together. I meant everything I said, but realized after, to simply just let things be. I understand financial worries and such. But one of the things that kind of sent a red flag or more of an alert to back off, was when my partner said and continues to state that I would leave her hanging and I have a house to go back to. I could be overthinking and making something deeper than it actually is.

I get the worrisome of it, but also what kind of made me think about things is that you actually think that's my character. I sat here today feeling overwhelmed and thought about everything. I said to myself, wow, I understand your concern about living together and than me leaving, but in my mind, it's like I stayed with you in silence after you chose your ex fck buddy. At that moment I should have left. The fact that I stuck through something that actually hurt a lot at the same time dealing with a death, speaks major volumes of how resilient I am and the strength I have shown in this relationship. Once again I understand. And for that reason I will no longer mention moving in, this relationship will remain where it is at and I am actually fine with that. If we reach 5 years and we are still living separately I am fine with that. It'd be weird and odd, but I would be content with that, life is life and you just continue moving forward. Also, her child's father has no clue what is going on, so that's an issue within itself. I get you don't want him knowing your business per-say, but if we plan on being forever and moving, wouldn't he need to know where his child is at?

I think what is bothersome is that I am alway hurting my partners feelings. And I sit here sometimes and think, how is it possible that I am doing this ALL the time. I thought to myself maybe the the word "hurt" is being misused. Thursday, I had a long day, starting with a phone call involving my brother. In the midst of this I texted my partner and responded as such. The phone call sent me into a anxious, overwhelming feeling. I texted my partner what was going on and I texted my best friend and in the midst of that almost had a breakdown. I also had lunch with my coworkers and was nonetheless quieter than usual, because my mind was stuck on how to get help filling out these court documents for my brother. Than I left work early to meet the social worker for my brother, which he came at 4pm and then I had couple's therapy at 4pm as well and shortly after I had to get my hair done by 5:20pm. Then to top it off, I got home and couldn't get into my driveway and well, I almost lost it at that point. I drove to my favorite spot and sat there for about two hours. Friday comes and I am still feeling blah and exhausted. Saturday comes and I spend time with my partner and right before heading out, she states on video call, how I haven't called her and wanted to tell me if I preferred to just text.

She proceeds to mention how me not calling her, hurt her feelings or something to that nature and I explained that I wasn't in the mood, but she didn't want to hear all of that. I simply acknowledged how my actions hurt her and I would change to which she responded I didn't need to do that. Although I texted her, I still end up hurting her. And for a moment after a long overwhelming day I just needed a moment to decompress as I was at the peak of erupting. Also, anytime I call or answer the phone, she mentions, how everything I say sounds ugly, or it sounds like I have an attitude and most of the time I don't. It's just the way I respond or answer. So unconsciously, I had a overwhelming day and took upon myself to have those emotions to myself. She also mentioned how she doesn't deserve the -- I forgot the exact word, but the repercussions or something like that. Like saying I was punishing her or she was getting the backlash. But overall it wasn't even about her, I wasn't even upset at her, literally had a overwhelmed day and more so was coming to the realization that I resent my sister and the neglect and burden I have to carry alone. It had nothing to do with her at all.

And it honestly sucks, because for the first time I decided to manage my emotions and remove myself, calm myself, feel everything and I am still wrong, because I didn't call my partner for two days, but instead I texted. I can't win for anything to be honest. I am wondering if it's truly feelings are hurt or am I being emotionally manipulated. Because last time it was the fact I was on social media before texting her and I changed that and no more complaints. This is what I mean by making changes. But I am wondering now if I am being manipulated. Supposedly Cancers are manipulators. It's kind of a scary thought.

There was no, you haven't called me in a few days, are you okay? Do you need help filling out the documents? Do you need -- none of that. Even after explaining I wasn't in the mood, none of that matter, it was she was hurt and to sum it up fck what I got going on, Lol. I need to ask the therapist if I am being manipulated with emotions. Because everything I do, even if its for my own sanity, I am in the wrong. The other thing I noticed is in couples therapy, how I praise my partner and she barely has much to say about me. Lol. Am I tripping? I even said in the last session how I have forgiven her completely for the candy cane incident and there wasn't much of a response. It's kind of sad. I have a lot to say in the couples therapy and she barely has anything to say sometimes and she keeps saying she doesn't like public speaking, but this isn't necessarily public. I mean I guess -- I won't be doing any praising anymore.

Now if I started to get into my emotions, everything would spin out of control. Lets start writing out things that bothered me, things that she will never know.

The fact that she watched the whole episode of AHS and told me I should watch it, but when I watched something without her she made a big deal and I never did it again.

The fact that I be placed on hold for 30 minutes at a time, I get its her mom but you could simply give me a callback.

The fact that when we be together and I wake up, she scrolling on her phone, and always on social media. I think recently when she was at my house and she said something about the phone and I put it down immediately, I can't recall what it was about.

The fact that when I am around and her child's father calls, she acts annoyed but when I am not around and she answers all respectfully. That's why I am confused on what story is being played here. Either you are cool or you are not, last time after he cursed her out, they wasn't cool. Now they are.

The fact that I always get invited to things with her and her family last minute, like last year for the holidays.

The fact of always trying to speak my thoughts that don't exist. i.e. telling me that I didn't enjoy something when I will verbally state if I did or didn't.

Telling her brother how I made up my allergy and that I get a rash weeks later and them both thinking I don't have that allergy. I am decades old and real life have a seafood allergy.

The fact she keeps mentioning I am lying or a liar. When, she continues to change her story on things she has told me. i.e. she was suppose to go to hawaii for her bday she said candy cane didn't go with her cuz they got into it, fast forward, her mom goes to hawaii and she mentions it again and states that her mom was suppose to go with her that time.

The fact that she be talking to some co-worker but it sounds very flirty. But if I was playing around like that it'd be an issue. she did mention if it bothers me and I said it doesn't.

The fact that she doesn't recall a lot of things that she has said.

There are so many more that I don't speak on, so many things that hurt my feelings that I tend to mask a lot. I don't bring up things, because I am so understanding and try to make excuses for her. But in reality it's not okay. It sucks though that I was overwhelmed and it turned into about her feelings. Like I legit was so upset about my life and what my sister is doing. It sucks honestly. Im glad she living her best life, but it still sucks and no one will understand that. I will probably always have a breakdown and cry it out at this point. This is probably the resentment portion, this is probably the end of the relationship as sisters.

[irastayshome]

I sometimes still imagine you holding me from behind. A warm hug that gets tighter and warmer till I can't resist and turn around and tell you how much I need you. How much you mean to me. I never said that enough to you in the last few years. The daydreaming still happens, though I don't dissociate anymore when it does. I feel it all now. The pain i've caused you, the pain you've caused me, the pain we went through together, and the pain you went through alone. I also feel all that love. The immense need that you fulfilled in me, and I hope that it was the same for you. You probably don't know this, but i've been trying to live.. a little bit more for myself, and not just pretending for the boys. I've started learning BJJ, together with Ibrahim. You remember one of our first few dates? On fort canning hill, when you admitted you had tried to learn BJJ online to have something interesting to teach me on our date, though it was mostly an opportunity for us to be in such close contact. I had never heard of that sport till that point, and thought wow you know martial arts is that why you're so hunky.. Oh sayang. BJJ is good fun, though i'm sure I would be a much better learner back then, 10 yrs ago. My 34 year old body can barely get a hang of where to put which limb and my usual overthinking and poor memory has gotten much worse since you last courted me. One thing hasn't changed though. I am well aware that I'm past my prime and you have nothing to worry about, nor will I even have any space in my life to with the kids and trying to support them. But with that said.. I miss being touched by you. By a living, breathing man who loves me, and desires me. I miss being held - feeling so safe and yet so vulnerable in that desire for you. Each time I go for a class and there aren't any ladies to pair up with, my heart goes into overdrive and I can barely contain myself. I'm all suited up and obviously have no skin contact, or barely, but those visual thoughts of us enter at the most inconvenient and embarrassing moments. Sometimes I feel like I need to isolate myself because I don't trust the emotions that hit and at times pour out of me. What I would do to have one more of those moments with you. I know we'll be together again someday, but seeing as how I'm the bigger sinner amongst us two, you'd have to wait quite awhile. I've got a lot of atoning to do. I hope you've been hearing our doas, especially Ibrahim's. Idris is getting there, slowly, but steadily. For now, i'm so.. so.. tired sayang. The hole in their young hearts is still raw and bleeding, more obviously so for Ibrahim. I keep trying to find a way to plug it, but there is no use.. it is the price we pay for loving you. and the three of us have gone through so much in a bubble that only us 3 can understand.

Also to catch you up on what you missed out on...

Nyayi passed away.. it was the final week of my iddah period for you. I got the news over a text after I sent the kids to school, and I broke down in waterway point. A security guard tried consoling me, but I could not breathe because I needed you there. You weren't there. I know you had a say in sending a stranger, a nice lady, my way. She made sure I was alright before I headed off to break the news to the kids. Nyayi looked peaceful, and I was happy for her for she got the death she wanted in her room, on the bed that you and I used to sleep on too. Ibrahim insisted on watching her burial, but I hadn't anticipated how much it would have affected him. That was the start of him experiencing some severe anxieties. We're working through that now, with every conversation, hug, therapy and lots of sun and exercise.

We took Idris on his first trip overseas.. it was Australia. The place Ibrahim had doa for us to go to once you got better from your last surgery, which you didn't. You should have seen the look on his face right before he boarded the plane. He never hides any emotions and it would have warmed your heart to see how excited he was.

I went back to work. I guess this is no surprise, and you'd probably have expected me to, but it was hard. I left after 6 months, right before I was confirmed. Im back to square one now, or worse, because I can't figure this part out with the kids still needing quite a bit of attention. Send me a sign if you can somehow, because oh i am lost and frankly don't know who to talk to about it other than a paid therapist, and I know how much you'd hate that.

Ibrahim has done his sunnat, and yes he screamed afterwards and was terrified, but he soldiered on and i'm so proud of him on your behalf too.

Ibrahim is now in primary 1, and he's a class monitor! haha. Yes I had my reservations, but his teacher said he's doing so well, and not surprisingly she's astonished by the "rare level of maturity" she saw in him.

Your brother got married. Ibrahim went, but I must apologize that I just could not go. I tried, but the thought of looking your mother in the eye, and not knowing what I can or cannot say with your relatives after the drama on the day you passed is just too much. I wish I could say that Ibrahim had a good reunion with your mum too, but I guess im still glad he doesn't know what went on behind the scenes and that he still felt your brothers' love for him.

Honestly, the last few nights, or weeks, have been strangely hard. I find myself at this crossroad again to figure out what's my next step, and the only person that I can think of who can talk me through it is you. Was you.

and I finally did it. I cleaned out your closet, took out that bag of clothes from the hospital, inhaled thinking it would still smell like you. It didnt.. it smelled like moth balls. and I let it all come out of me.. the anger that you're not here anymore, the guilt that I could have done or said more to save you, the desperation of wanting nothing more than to you see you walking through that door and hold me as I cried into your superman jacket. I never wanted anything so badly as I did in that moment.

Well, that's it from me for now. Just please do me a favour..

"If you get there before I do, Don't give up on me. I'll meet you when my chores are through, I don't know how long i'll be.. But i'm not gonna let you down. Darling wait and see.. and between now and then till I see you again i'll be loving you... Love me."

Ya, u can laugh if u want. But I know you appreciate that, you closet romantic.

[blackbird-brewster]

I'm going to make some predictions for Criminal Minds: Evolution. It is officially two months til the premiere and here's what I think we're going to get (lots of this will be based on that sneak peek interview):

UPDATED: 26/11 (Ep 1-2) GREEN is correct prediction. RED incorrect. (Subscript is comments)

Emily: She's section chief now. She has grey hair now and there is a 50/50 chance they will write a line that's like 'LOL Wow Prentiss, the job is so hard you went grey!' but also equal odds no one says ANYTHING about it. Emily gets the band back together and she's just a v good badass. I DO NOT for a second believe they're going to make Emily canonically queer. They're probably going to double down and give her a sex scene with some generic dude. But she'll be able to say 'FUCK' and that's great. I love that for her.

JJ: I STG if they give us some wild Willifer sex scene (I had to witness that innuendo and Emily saying people were getting laid so it counts!) ....dksjlahdlksahl. *CRINGE* Henry is *14* now, that's bananas y'all. He's in HIGH SCHOOL. Michael is also in school now?!?!?! HOW???? She'll talk about it but we may not even see her fam bc it's ten episodes and they only ever get brought out of the prop closest like once every three years. She and Will went to NOLA for a while then moved back to DC. She'll talk about how nice it was to be away for a bit but ultimately 'I missed the BAU because this is my family' bc we have seen time and time again how she makes excuses to be at work vs being with Will lmao

Tara: They're going to give Tara a love interest and I honestly doubt it's not gonna be a dude. She and JJ have teamed up to go over every single case request for however long and so there will be JARA, which is delicious. But again, I won't for a single second hold my breath thinking they're going to suddenly make an MC queer just because it's streaming or whatever. Being on network TV was never the issue, so I don't feel like streaming isn't going to flip a magical gay switch in the show runners.(SO FUCKING HAPPY I WAS WRONNNNGGGGG!!!!!) I think we'll get some good Tara storylines though which will be SO SO good because she is the perfect character!

Rossi: I think it's SO obvious they're going to kill his wife. Probably via the pandemic. Because this show is so obsessed with trauma porn. He's unit chief now which is funny considering how much he hated it when he was interim UC before Emily came back. But it's pretty on brand because none of the show runners have ever understood continuity, why start now? I think they're going to use his wife's death to fuel him being like “I know I'm old but I just need something to do and something to make me feel useful and this is all I know. So I'm back!"

Luke: Obviously Luke and Garcia went on a date, that's been confirmed. Again, I dunno if we'll get to see Garvez on screen. At least, not how we want! I think maybe they dated a bit and now that they're back, there will be a moment of adjustment to seeing each other and things being slightly awkward but then they'll go back to their banter and shit. I just don't think this show is going to actually give us an inter-team romance on screen. I will be SO happy if they do, but I'm not holding my breath

Garcia: Obvs what I said about Luke. I think Garcia will be the one that's hardest to convince to come back. She left because those last few seasons were SO hard on her. Like this ray of sunshine had SO much shit happen to her and I think she would very much be hesitant to come back. Someone, (Rossi) (should be Luke but probably will be like JJ) will convince her to come back because the team really needs her. There will be an emotional scene where she talks about her PTSD from the BAU but then she'll just be like 'yeah, okay I'm back'. Because this show never actually addresses trauma (CANNOT BELIEVE THEY TALKED ABOUT GOING TO THERAPY!?!? WHAT A CONCEPT!)

Place your bets guys, gals, nonbinary pals. WHATEVER we get in two months, will be a TRASH FIRE. I don't have any doubts about that part. I do not expect the reboot to be any better than the show, which is an absolute dumpster fire....but it's our dumpster fire. So here we are!

Also, you are allowed to have other opinions. This is mostly a post for me to write my thoughts so I can check back when the show airs to see if I was right or not. This is not an invitation for discourse, my nerds.

[mermaidxatxheart]

It's Always You {3}

Alright. It's been a while. I'm trying to get better about posting. Here's chapter three. Enjoy. if you like it, reblogged and commenting gives me life and motivation.

Pairing: Bucky x OFC

Word Count: 1489, not my longest

Warnings: The usual suspects. Swearing, smartassery, i don't think any violence just yet. if I missed anything, let me know.

Series Master List

Previous Chapter

Steve keeps his promise and shows up the next day with several French books. 

“This is perfect.” I look up at him. “Thank you so much. The TV sucks here.”

He grins. “My pleasure. So, you speak Spanish now. Have you remembered anything else?”

“I hate physical therapy?”

He laughs quietly. “Yeah, I remember my own. It wasn’t pretty. I didn’t handle it well.”

I look at him, surprised. “You needed to have PT? You?” This pinnacle of human physiology?

“Yeah. I had my own accident. Nothing quite like yours, of course. But I was pretty... stiff, after.” He smiles like it’s a personal joke. 

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

He clears his throat. “So, they said that your phone was pretty busted up from the accident. I had a friend load everything from it onto this one for you. It’s a little bit of an upgrade, but maybe it will help you remember.” He sets a phone on the tray in front of me. It’s sleek, shiny black and gunmetal.

“Oh, thank you so much. I was asking for it yesterday.” I pick up the new phone and it’s lighter than I thought it would be.

“You’re welcome. My number is already in there for you.” He says.

I’m quiet for a long minute, thumbing through the pages of the top book, not seeing anything, but using the moment to gather my thoughts.

“Is there something else on your mind?”

“Is there any way you can keep Jonathan away?”

“Why would you want me to do that? He’s your boyfriend.” Steve frowns.

“But I don’t remember him. He’s a stranger to me, coming into my space and forcing himself...his presence on me. It’s incredibly uncomfortable and completely ignored when I tell him how I feel. And he doesn’t respect that.”

“I’ll see what I can do, but I can’t make any promises.” 

I nod, understanding. It’s not his fault I apparently chose such a jerk. “What happens when it’s time for me to leave and I still don’t remember anything?” I can’t look up to meet his gaze. I’m too nervous, too ashamed of my fears. “Where do I go?”

He doesn’t speak for a few minutes. I get the sense that he’s choosing his words extremely carefully. “You can go home, to your house. Or we can put you up in a hotel until you find someplace where you’re comfortable. Or you can go with Jonathan—I know it’s not ideal, but he does know you.”

“Or?” I prompt aloud.

“If none of those options appeal to you, I have a safe place where you can stay until you can get back on your feet. You can get all the medical attention you need there, state of the art. But we can burn that bridge when we get to it.” He chuckles at his own joke.

I grin. “Okay. As long as I won’t be kicked out into the cold.”

“Are you kidding? It’s at least 85 out today.” He smirks.

“Wow, Captain America has jokes.” I roll my eyes, and then freeze. He sits up a little straighter, eyes more alert. But he doesn’t say a word, just letting me get there on my own. “Captain America-” I frown, pressing my fingers to my forehead. “I know this. I know that I know this. But the more that I reach for it, the further away it gets.”

“That’s alright. You’ll get it. At least you know it’s coming back. Don’t stress out about it.” He says easily. “I kind of like you not knowing.” 

“Worried I’ll treat you differently?” I tease.

“Most people do.” He shrugs.

“Tell you what. When I remember, I promise to insult you at least once a day.”

“That sounds more than fair.” He laughs.

***

Two days later, I’m scheduled for my last knee surgery so they can replace the kneecap. Steve knocks on the door before they wheel me away.

“Nervous?” He asks, standing next to my bed, hands resting casually by my leg.

“Ne stresse pas sur les petites choses, right?” I reply and his blue eyes widen.

Don’t stress about the little things.

“Exactly.” He holds up a marker. “I brought something for you.”

“Wow, I’ve always wanted a Sharpie.” I say dryly. 

He snorts. “My friend, Sam, tells me that this is something people do now in hospitals when they go in for surgery.” His big hands grip the blankets. “May I?”

“I’m slightly terrified to find out what this is about, but I think I like scary movies, so let’s do it.” I nod and he lifts the blankets just enough to uncover my right leg.

He scrawls in big messy block letters NOT THIS LEG. “Tada.” He says proudly.

“That was anticlimactic.” I peer down at my bare leg, the multitude of scars bothering me slightly. “People really have to do this?”

“That’s what he told me. However, Sam is known to play a prank from time to time, so, it may all be for nothing.”

“Better to be safe than sorry?” I guess and he grins, covering my leg back up.

“So, the French is coming along nicely, I see.” 

“Yeah, I’m on that last book you gave me and I downloaded an app to practice my pronunciation.”

“The last book already?” He whistles softly. 

“Yeah. I think I’ve always been a quick reader? Maybe? What do I know? Most of my memories are five days old.”

“Well, when you’re done with those, I can bring you some other ones. Pick a language.”

“Italian. Let’s just go with all the Romance languages first.” 

“Sounds like a plan.”

There’s a knock on the door and Jonathan steps inside. “I know you’re about to head in for surgery, but I just wanted to bring you these.” He holds up a small bouquet of yellow roses. “They’re your favorite.” He sets them in a vase by the window. 

I hope they’re not my favorite, because right now I think they’re ugly. “Thank you.” I reply quietly. 

A nurse walks in and the butterflies start. My last two procedures since my accident hadn’t been my choice, I had no knowledge of it happening, no say in it whatsoever. But now, I know it’s coming and it scares me more than I want to admit.

I look at Steve and he gives my hand a gentle squeeze. “See you when you get back.” He says as she rolls my bed out of the room. 

“I know the doctor went over the actual procedure, but what’s going to happen?” I ask the nurse, looking up at her behind me.

“The doctor is going to inject anesthesia so that your body goes numb and doesn’t feel the pain and then he’s going to give you a gas to help you sleep faster. Then the surgery, like you both discussed, an hour to an hour and a half—tops. He’s one of the best orthopedic surgeons in the country.”

“Could I wake up during it?”

“The chances of that happening are really low. It does happen, depending on how fast your body burns through the anesthesia. But like I said, really low.”

“Will I dream?”

She looks down at me curiously. “You know, I don’t know. I’ve never heard anyone say they dream under it, but I’ve never heard them say they don’t, either. That’s interesting.” She wheels me into the operating theater and nurses start attaching IV’s and wires and I begin to panic. Apparently new me really doesn’t like being touched. 

“Okay Ava, count backwards starting from 100.” A masked face peers down at me. I can feel the liquid spreading through my veins like ice, limbs going numb.

“99...98...97...9...6...” My eyes drift closed and I don’t remember anything else.

“Michael! Slow down, what’s the rush?” I laugh, running to catch up to my best friend. 

“I can’t let her go, Ava! I have to get the ring tonight!” He stops abruptly and I smack into him. He catches me in a bear hug and I return it. “She’s the one.”

“Do you think Tony Stark will mind you marrying one of his best scientists?” I ask, looking up at him.

“Pfft. Please. I’m his best!”

My eyes go wide. “Since when?? I think that’s a big lie.”

He sighs dramatically. “Why are you so mean to me?”

“That’s what friends are for.” I hesitate. “Michael?”

“Yes, darling?” He spins me around, but my cheerful mood has left me.

“Did you tell Mr. Stark about.... you know.... what I found?”

“Of course. Unlike you or me, he can actually do something about it.”

“I wish you hadn’t done that. I just wanted you to take a look at it. I’m gonna be in so much trouble.”

“I’ll keep you safe, Princess. Queen of the Lab!! Right here!” He shouts and I laugh, swatting him in the chest. 

Next Chapter

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[moonlit-void-to-the-far-unknown]

When he loved me....

An: Buckle up y’all I’m feeling sad. So have some unrequited love angst. Wow this came out sadder then I intended. I am sorry.

Recommend to listen to “cloud 9 cover by Pavari das” because that’s the version I listened to writing this out. It adds to the sadness.

Loving Dom was like falling asleep on a long car journey, it happened slowly, very slowly, first your eyes close for a moment, just a second, and then, you were falling, deep, deep down into the spinning web of him.

His accent, his softness, his laugh and smile. His need to make everyone in the room feel seen or heard. He was pure and soft, safe and careful. He held your heart in his hands, not that he knew, you were just a friend to him, a friend he worked with in LA. Only that and nothing more.

Working on an album or four, you were simply, studio help, as you always had been. Though Dom often made sure you knew how important to him you were, you still were just a hand around the studio, helping set mics and amps up, helping by being the unseen side of album work.

The studio was your happy place, you were never good at singing, and had the barest of basic child level when it came to piano, but the studio was still a safe place to sit and think. And it’s where you often found yourself late at night, when Dom and his crew of people were finally taking much deserved rests. You enjoyed the empty studio, the soft buzz in the quiet, normally filled with guitars blaring or Dom screaming into the mic for a song.

This was a place where you could think, relax. Just be. No one else but you and your thoughts.

“But when he loved me....I felt like Floating....when you called me pretty....I felt like....” pausing you scribbled another word out sighing

“Like somebody” looking up your eyes met the soft doe eyes of Jesse, the sweetest women you had met in the industry not that you cared to meet many industry people, parties were never your thing, and clubs even less so.

Smiling at her you scribbled the lyric down

“Thanks. What are you doing in here, figured you’d be either stopping Dom from jumping off the roof or videoing it” laughing she plopped next to you leaning her head back.

She was beautiful, a goddess statue in human form, long and stunning, a voice like honey and eyes of fawns in the morning, she was everything you could ever hope to be. And more, a family that came from the world you were now wrapped in, she was everything you could picture Dom wanting.

“Nah he’s outside taking a smoke with Tom and Gav. Not feeling that today” just nodding to her you put your notebook down looking around

“How long has he held your heart in his hands with out him knowing?”

Wide eyed you looked at her blinking

“What are you talking about? Who?” Her sigh told you she had caught on quicker then you knew to your hurt heart, almost like you held the small crying thing in your hands at all times

“He may not see it, but everyone else does, it’s killing you...as unrequited love does”

You wanted to hate her, for being, so nice, for being so wonderful and caring, for having what you wanted.

“It’s just a crush i’ll be over it soon enough. It’s happened before. It’s normal, part of life ya know. Plus you and him are so....beautiful together he is head over heels for you. It has to feel amazing ya know, being loved like that”

Looking at her you shrugged

“Have you thought of telling him? Maybe it’ll help your heart be okay again. Cause sweet pea, your poor heart is hurting, I can see it clear as day. When you look at him, or he gives you those eyes, the ones where you feel seen and heard, maybe telling him and talking about it will help.” Looking around you nodded

“Yeah. I just gotta work my way up to it, I will. If therapy taught me anything it’s, to be able to talk about very deeply repressed emotions. Thanks Jesse. You are....stunning” standing she brushed a bit of your hair back

“And so are you. You should see how beautiful you are.” With that she walked towards the door the subtle scent of her perfume held in the air

“Why are you so nice? Why can’t I just hate you like they do in movies? Fuck”

It was late when you slipped into the living room, Dom had dragged you to his rented home when it became clear he would be here longer then normal to finish the albums he had written in the covid lockdowns, offering you a guest room and not taking no for an answer.

Sitting at the piano you tested the keys, you knew a few notes and finger placements so it was enough to play basics of songs you worked on. Pressing the keys down you found the melody quicker then expected playing slowly. The noise drowning the gentle socked foot steps of Dom, peeking in from the kitchen.

“I don't wanna seem the way I do But I'm confident when I'm with you Lately all I feel is bad and bruised Tired of tripping on my shoes” you played slowly not seeing Dom slowly slip closer to listen to the lyrics you sang softly.

“But when he loved me I felt like floating When he called me pretty I felt like somebody Even when I fade eventually to nothing You will always be my favorite form of loving

When I started to tumble from the sky You reminded me how to fly Lately, I've been feeling un-alive But you brought me back to life” you could feel the tightness in your throat, the tears in the corners of your eyes

“But when you loved me, I felt like floating

When he called me pretty, I felt like somebody

Even when I fade eventually, I'm nothing

He will always be my favorite form of loving

But if he loved me, I’d feel like floating

If he called me pretty, I’d feel like somebody

Even when i fade eventually, To nothing

Dom, will always be my favorite form of loving”

Finishing the last note you sighed holding the tears back,

“You love me?” Jumping you slammed your hand on the keys turning seeing Dom stood behind you, his eyes sad.

“Dom.....it’s nothing just forget this, it’s just song stuff ya know....song stuff” you could never lie to him, it was impossible.

“How long ‘Ave you been feeling this way?” You shrugged unsure of your own voice not to crack the dam open. Standing you moved past him quick his hand reaching out grabbing your wrist

“Hey....”

“It’s fine Dom, it’s nothing, stupid is what it is, it’s nothing a crush, everyone gets them, it’s fine” turning to him you smiled praying it hit your eyes, knowing though, it never did.

“I....I didn’t.....” smiling at him you shrugged again

“It’s not your fault, how would you know if I didn’t tell you. Just forget it okay. I’m fine. This is fine. I’m gonna go to bed. Night” with that you rushed out of the living room. Forgetting your notebook sat on the piano chair.

“He called me pretty.....my heart reached out for him. I had to pull it back. Again..”

flipping through the pages Dom read each small note you had down, next to scrambled lyrics or dumb things you needed to remember.

“He looks at her like she hung the moon, if only he knew, I’d paint the stars in the sky for him, they are beautiful. I’m...happy for him”

“Dom doesn’t make it subtle mornings after. My heart shattered again. But that’s okay. He’s happy. So I’m happy”

Dom wanted to cry, wanted to scream at himself.

“Tom asked again, if I always had the sad heart broken eyes when I looked at Dom and Jesse. I punched his arm, told him to stuff it unless he wanted to be my therapist. He’s right though. I guess my eyes give everything away”

“He told her he loved her. I wonder what that’s like? That feeling of floating? Does she feel it? I bet. She’s wonderful. I wish I could hate her....but i can’t”

Dom stopped shutting the note book, wiping his face, had he missed it all? Had he missed the look of pure heart ache in your eyes? How? He wasn’t that blind to other people. He made sure he wasn’t. But he had missed everything and hurt someone close to him. And to you it had to seem like he didn’t care at all. And that hurt him down to his core. Did he love you? As a friend, as family, yes. But he didn’t love you like this, the way he loved Jesse or had loved ash.....he couldn’t not hurt you in that reality. Though he wished he could.

It was days later when he finally was able to get you alone. You were sat in the studio, untangling wires to headphones and guitar amps. Busy work, he knew that by now. Work to keep you from running into him or anyone else it seemed

“Hey....” he saw you stiffen at his voice, he didn’t like that, it confirmed you were avoiding him.

“Oh hey Dom, what’s up?” Walking closer to you he sighed

“We gotta talk about what it you know that right?” Standing quick you looked at him

“Talk about what? Nothing to talk about. I gotta go make sure things are set up in-“ he stopped you grabbing you and hugging you to him, one hand moving to your hair keeping you pressed against him

“I wish I could make this not hurt, could make this not be painful for your heart. ‘Cause you and yer heart don’t deserve that, not after me ignoring the signs. I’m so sorry. That I didn’ see you were ‘urting so clearly. Feel like a right dickhead.” He felt you shaking slightly, the tears finally breaking through the wall you had built up.

“I wish I could say this is like the shit romance movies and I love ya, and we’re meant to be and the end of the movie is me and you gettin married but.....” he felt you pull away looking at him

“But you don’t feel that way towards me. I know. I would be a little diluted in thinking you would.” He didn’t like seeing the tears on your face or the sadness in your eyes

“I....I wish I could just snap ma fingers and it’s better and nothin hurts for either of us. But....I can’t and I fookin hate that I can’t” his thumb came up, wiping the tears that still dropped down your face

“I know. But one day it’ll be easier for me. For you. It’ll just take time. And hey who knows maybe my Dom will come along. Though. Don’t think anyone. Could ever hold my heart like you. Even if you didn’t know you did.” Pulling away from him fully he let you walk out of the studio, a small smile as you waved to him, leaving him stood alone.

“If he loved me.....I’d feel like I’m floating....Dom will always be....my favorite form of loving”

[whatiwillsay]

Hey Cam... It's the roommate anon from Nat's blog, and I'm kinda totally freaking out a little bit again (kind of my brand at this point), and I know that you're a lesbian (at least, I think you are?), and I'm just trying to stay like calm at the moment.

And this is like a personal question and stuff, so I totally get it if you don't wanna answer, like no pressure at all. You can just delete this ask, and it'll be totally fine, I won't mind.

But did you ever like really struggle with accepting your sexuality, and did you ever get in these kinds of moods where you just felt really anxious about everything and like you really needed to try to be straight again?

It's such a dumb, stupid, embarrassing thing that's triggered this. Basically, roomie's wearing this like white T shirt that's very thin, and all she did was lean back on the couch and put her hands behind her head, except it was giving me really gay thoughts, and now I'm having a HUGE resurgence of internalized homophobia and really honestly and truly freaking the fuck out :/

No, like I'm literally hiding in one of our bathrooms right now. I locked the door, and I'm sitting on the edge of the bathtub typing this... all over a T shirt. Like it's so stupid, and I know that I'm gonna laugh about this later, but right now, I'm just so anxious.

And I kinda wanna just go back to guys. Like I feel like I really need to go back to guys and that I need to go back to being "straight", but I'm just trying to ignore that.

And I kinda feel like I can't breathe properly, and my chest just feels tight from the anxiety, and it's like so silly, right? Like it's so dumb. I mean, it's not like I haven't literally seen more than that before, but I think it's just because I know that I'm a lesbian now that I just feel really anxious about it. Things were different when I was "straight". I never felt anxious about any of this when I was "straight". Like nothing like this ever bothered me.

And now, my mind's like, "Go watch a homophobic video on YouTube." You know those rant videos that conservatives make where they just go on and on about how we're like immoral and wrong and all of that? My brain is really trying to convince me to go and watch one of those.

And I just eally needed some kind of distraction, and so I came on Tumblr, and I saw you on my dash, and I was like, "Okay, Cam's a lesbian, right? Maybe she can help."

(If you're not a lesbian, I'm sorry, idk where I got that idea from.)

But is this stuff even normal? Because in my mind, it does feel really ridiculous. Like oh wow, a hot girl's wearing a thin T shirt, let's go and lock ourselves in the bathroom and essentially try to do conversion therapy on ourselves. Like it's so silly, right. I know that it's dumb. And I know that I'm gonna be making jokes about this later. But right now, I'm just not feeling great about it at all.

Do you have any advice? And did you ever go through anything like this yourself with the internalized homophobia and the anxiety and this need to try to be straight when you first realized that you liked girls? Is this like a common thing, or is it more of a rare thing?

My head just hurts. You don't even have to give like proper advice, like even just a sentence would really help. You could even just reply with an emoji lol, and I would still appreciate it.

Also, could you maybe link me to any of your favorite Dianna interviews or videos? You don't have to, but I feel like it might just be a good distraction for me because I don't really know anything about Dianna or her personality at the moment, and so I've been meaning to watch some Dianna videos, but I wasn't really sure which ones to start with. Thank you

ok anon i want you to take a deep breath and look down at your hands and quickly count all your knuckles on each hand and try to ground yourself and then repeat after me, “what i’m going through is scary and hard but that’s part of being human and cam loves me a lot and is with me in this moment and isn’t gonna let me go through this alone.”  because i am with you! and i do love you! and i’m not gonna let you go through this alone (none of us are!) 

that feeling of repulsion at your natural attraction is really normal and i (and many others) have felt that.  girl i was just out on a walk and a very good looking girl ran by me on a jog and i deadass turned around and started to walk home i was so thrown by how hot she was and like it made me feel a bit paralyzed!  like that happened 15 minutes ago to me and i’ve been out to myself for quite a while!  it’s normal (esp for women i think) to feel overly self-conscious about our feelings and attractions because i think we’re so sensitive to people creeping on us we would never want to feel like we’re creeping on someone else.

but girl your roomie lets you see her naked i’m pretty sure she won’t mind you appreciating her form a bit and also noticing someone is attractive is not some kind of invasive or bad thing to do so please go easy on yourself!

here’s a dianna interview i like!

and if you’re so inclined you could listen to me and @thatskepticalbitchcara on our podcast 👀👀👀

here’s a link to my favorite episode

anyway i’m glad you anonned me, please always feel free to do so if you like! i love hearing from you and i love your story and i saw you told rep you had an internet crush on me and i just want you to know the feeling is mutual! 

sending you so much love and strength angel it’s gonna be ok! ❤️❤️❤️

[pinkykitten]

are you bored yet?

synopsis: with uncertainties in life you cant say for certain if you and fred being together is a good thing or bad thing. so many things are running through your mind as you spend watching the sunset with the love of your life, fred weasley. 

pairing: fred weasley x female! reader (i swear im like obsessed w him i need therapy fr) words: 1,503 genre: fluff omg so much, romance, song based, writing challenge, one-shot

a/n: so this is based on the song are you bored yet by wallows. and this is for the writing challenge of @lunalovecroft​. i had so much fun writing this and as u can tell im currently in a fred spiral and its out of control but idc tbh. he is so beautiful and yes he is invading my dreams every night. enjoy yall and hope u like also thnx for liking my recent fred drabble so much it means a lot to me and requests are open! ps i also tried to incorporate the words and meaning of the songs lyrics to the story hope that makes sense. 

The ocean waves crashed against the soft, cool sand. It would simmer and relax, but then the pent up frustration mixed with wind would allow it to meet and kiss the earth. 

The future always scared you. Somedays you looked forward to it and other days just the unknown was filled with anxiety. It was the feeling of not being able to control loss and love, happiness and sadness. You would find yourself some nights thinking about it, almost losing your mind. 

The sun was setting so peacefully and beautifully. It was something so simple yet something so divine and of such importance. You had faith in the sun and space. Yes, everything around you may be changing and things might be going wrong but one thing was for certain was that the sun was going to rise and set every day, when the sun rises that will be your new chance at starting anew. 

It was so peaceful. The smell of sea was so inviting and comforting. What was more comforting was how Fred let your head rest against his chest. The feeling of worn out cotton against your cheek, as you heard his heart beat almost at the same rhythm as yours. It was if you two were in perfect sync. The faint smell of cologne that Fred always used to try to impress you made you feel at home, along with a small smell of something unknown to you but only Fred had that smell. Maybe it was gingers own scent. 

You sighed, relaxing. 

“So, love, what do you think about the muggle world?” Fred asked, wiggling his brows like he was the man.

You looked up at his freckled face, from his chest, giggling, “You know I’ve been here before.”

Fred laid back down and enjoyed the moment with you. But something was eating you up inside. It was starting to bug you that everyone had a someone. Ron to Hermione. Harry to Ginny. You were starting to feel left behind in the crowd. Again with the uncertainty. Everyone was with their soulmate and you felt lonely. 

You didn’t realize Fred was eyeing you this whole time you had this battle in your head. He could tell something was off. “What’s wrong?”

You very much disliked confrontation so you pretended to fall asleep. 

“I saw you were awake Y/N,” Fred sat up. He was patiently, quietly waiting for your answer. 

You sat up, kicking your feet against the peak you two were sitting on. The warmness from the sun making you smile just a bit. “I wish we didn’t have to leave. That we could sit here for the rest of our lives.”

Fred chuckled, scooting closer to you and resting his head against your shoulder. Something sparked within you at the contact. You could feel his breath on your neck, feeling the hair stand up on its own. You leaned your head against his and sighed once again. 

“I wish I could sit here with you forever too sweetheart. But unfortunately we’re really not supposed to be here and I bet some muggles would find us and we’d be toast.” Fred kissed your knuckles. 

You distanced yourself away from him, worrying Fred with wide eyes. You couldn’t bear the physical connection you two had and not have something from it. Yes, you and Fred were friends but you were wanting more than that. You yearned for more than that. “There is just so much on my mind,” you said quietly. You can tell you hurt Fred’s feelings but you needed to know what Fred was doing to you. Why did he kiss your hands? Why did he want to be with you daily? You needed support, something stable in your life. 

“Feels like I've known you my whole life I can see right through your lies,” Fred was worried seeing you so distant. 

He was right. He knew you in and out. He knew when you were okay and when you were not. You leaned back, “I like this guy and I’m afraid he doesn’t like me.”

“That’s bonkers! Who wouldn’t like you Y/N?” Fred tried not to grit his teeth at his jealousy. This man was so lucky. 

“I’m afraid Fred. I don’t know if he’ll feel the same way and when we get older will he still feel the same way about me? There is so much to think about. What if something happens to him? I would fall apart, I would be living in fear and paranoia.” You clenched your fists. 

“Wow, you do really love this man?”

You huffed as you looked into Fred’s eyes for a split second, hoping he would get the hint. “I do, I really do.”

Fred was silent. He was playing with his fingers. He usually had always something to say, seeing him like this was odd. 

“If you could tell me how you're feeling,” you held Fred’s hand. 

“I don't know where we're going But I'd like to be by your side,” Fred blurted out. You gasped as you took your hands away and held onto to your skirt, holding in your breath. “I can’t go on living knowing I didn’t at least try to stop you from being with that other guy. I know you love him Y/N but I love you. I can’t do this anymore. Kiss only your cheek when I want to kiss your lips so bad. I can’t make believe that every time you hold my hand I don’t feel a spark. Or when you come to my room every time you have a nightmare. When we cuddle, how I carry you on my back. I can’t make believe that those things don’t affect me. I can’t keep putting this wall between us and making believe we’re not something worth fighting for. Tell you the truth baby, I’m smitten with you. I’m so madly in love with you.”

Your lips trembled as tears fell down your cheeks. Fred couldn’t help himself and also found himself emotional, wiping his tears with his jumper sleeve. Nobody knew what to do. “Why are you crying love?” Fred whispered. 

“Because the man that I was referring to and talking about was you Fred,” you said with tear soaked lips. The wind carried your tears away. “I love you Fred Weasley.”

You both were knew in this territory of love. Love that you would sacrifice everything and risk more. Love that was unconditional. It was awkward the air funnily. 

“So are we more than friends then? Like boyfriend and girlfriend?” Fred was so shy. You both just confessed your loves for each other, nobody knew what to do. You both were just friends for so long. 

“When we get old, will we regret this?” You asked, bashfully. 

“I will never in my whole existence ever regret meeting you and being your love. No matter what tough trials come, I know I will always be by your side.”

“I will forever love you Fred. There is not one person on this world I love more than you. I’m so grateful I was sent to Hogwarts because you’re my favorite person.” You gave a small, genuine smile. “Maybe we'd get through this undefeated Holding on for so long.”

In one swift moment, Fred’s lips came crashing down against yours. It was with such passion and fire. Like Fred was preparing his whole life for this one spectacular moment. His lips moved against your and you couldn’t help but deepen the kiss by running your fingers through his orange locks and pushing him more towards you. You wanted everything he got. 

Fred pushed you back and wrapped his warm hands on the back of your neck. Your hands fell to his collar and you clutched onto it with all your might. You felt you might explode. Fred went from your lips to smothering you in kisses all over your face. You heard his laugh and saw his toothy smile but it was better because his freckled covered cheeks were such a cute pink. He was blushing the whole time. Fred kissed your nose and you and him laughed together, simply in love. He leaned his head against you for one moment and leaned back in his spot on the cliff. 

You were out of breath and stunned. Did that just happen? You were so happy it did. You sat there surprised by the amazing kiss, touching your lips and feeling them sting a little from the contact. It was incredible. The best sensation of your life. 

Fred saw you the whole time, smirking. He coughed to get your attention and your eyes traveled up to see the most amazing view. He was leaning back, his lean neck resting back against his shoulders as his adams apple bobbed. But what got you choked up was his lips were plump and wet from your twos make out session. His skin was flawless with his freckles and his eyes were bright and light from the sunsetting. The sun’s rays hit his face just perfectly to make him look like a prince. Like he came down from heaven. You were so dumbfounded at how a man could look this beautiful and handsome. 

Fred smirked as he bit his lip, winking, wanting to tease you, “I don’t know if you wanna get out of here or maybe go get a bite together as I’m your new boyfriend. I mean 'Cause we could stay at home and watch the sunset But I can't help from asking, Are you bored yet?"

a/n: ive been listening to this song on repeat and know its in my head and i just want to make an edit of fred for this song cuz he is so bf material. thnx for all the love and support stay safe guys and tysm. 

[agentmarymargaretskitz]

So... I was kinda disappointed with Buck Begins... NOT ENTIRELY. Just...

Major spoilers ahead. You should definitely watch the episode before reading my complaints... because I have a lot of them, and you shouldn't have the negative thoughts going into it...

But I'm gonna start with the good stuff.

The Buckley Siblings are everything to me. I love their relationship, and watching Buck grow up with Maddie protecting him? *chef's kiss* Perfection.

Buck being a daredevil because it was the only time that he got positive attention from his parents as a child? Absolutely heartbreaking and I hate his parents for *so much* for that.

Maddie doing whatever she could to help her baby brother, even when she was terrified and probably knew how bad it was going to get? I love her with my whole heart.

And I absolutely love the way they highlighted their relationship and how important Maddie is to Buck.

The moment when the team comes in to help Buck and save him and the other person? Cinematic excellence, I applaud them for that scene. His team loves him and will always have his back, and he *knows* that now.

And now for my grievances and where I think they missed the target...

It focused on Maddie too much for a "Buck Begins" episode. I get that she's a huge part of his life and that she would be in the childhood flashbacks, but even once Buck was out on his own, all we got to see were the postcards (with handwriting that did not look At All like Buck's handwriting, might I add) and the one scene of Buck bartending in Peru where he decided to move to LA and become a firefighter.

We already basically got a Maddie Begins episode, when Doug came back and kidnapped her. I didn't need another one. (I love Maddie and I loved the flashbacks, but... it just should have focused more on Buck. It was his episode, after all.)

We should have gotten to actually *see* what Buck did with his life before he made it to LA. They could have shown Maddie receiving a postcard, then done a montage with a shot of Buck writing one of the postcards. That montage focused more on Maddie than it did on Buck, which kind of frustrated me.

And then in present day? They made such a big deal about the family secret, and it just fizzled out. Like it didn't matter anymore. And I honestly don't see them doing much more with it, unless (God forbid) in a later season the Madney baby gets leukemia or something and Buck is a perfect match to save his niece. (Actually I could see them doing that and I would definitely cry. That would maybe give them a pass with this plot thread.)

Then with the factory fire? Idk, it didn't feel intense enough for me. NOT that I wanted Buck to horribly suffer more, but... Eddie being buried alive in his episode was So Much More Intense. Chimney's episode happened while he was literally bleeding nearly to death. I was hoping for more.

And maybe it has something to do with the lack of reaction from the entire team when the building exploded. Not only did we not see Eddie panic, even briefly, about Buck being trapped, we didn't see Bobby or Chimney of Hen panic either! Bobby sees Buck as a son, this is basically canon now. And Chimney and Hen see him as their little brother.

The exploding ladder truck and the tsunami both felt way more intense for Buck than the factory fire in this episode.

And then to top it off, NOBODY GAVE BUCK A HUG AFTER THR FACTORY FIRE! And Eddie and Chimney weren't even there by the ambulance! Like, what the fuck? Yes, Bobby, Athena, and Hen told him what he needed to hear, but they all should have been there! Supporting him! Where were they???

Also, they missed the perfect opportunity to casually make Buck canonically bisexual. Instead of meeting a girl who taught him how to surf, he could have met a guy. Then things didn't work out, just like they didn't with the girl.

UGH, these writers! They're either *really* amazing or *really* miss the important stuff... there was so much potential, and they just wasted it!

Anyway, enough of my ranting. I did enjoy the episode, but it was definitely not the best Begins episode in my opinion.

What are your thoughts? I clearly have too many.

-Quarantine Anon

So I just finished watching. Spoilers beneath the cut

So here’s what I knew going into this- everyone was going wild with theories and ideas and great fics of what was going to play out. Which is great. But I do think it got hyped up because of that.

The flashbacks to the Buckley childhood hurt so much. Margaret seemed to take it out on Evan so much because in her eyes- he failed her by not saving Daniel. BEGONE, Margaret! You can’t put that on your child if your own plan was to use the child to save a sibling and then deem him not deserving of love because of nature and genetics. But Maddie and Buck? I love a pair of siblings while being in agony over the hells they’ve walked through.

The use of ‘So Far’ and the team helping him? Poetic cinema. I felt so many emotions and had a bit of a cry.

I actually liked the postcards. I think if they had gone to film all of what he did, it would have gotten jammed packed. The bartender was stated in canon, so that felt worthy of a flashback (and oh wow, that was not the revelation I needed that I try to know cool things to impress cute people. Buck is not straight, I don’t care what anyone says). Plus, with Covid-19, I bet there would be some filming issues. Also, it felt the ups and downs in Buck’s postcards paralleled Maddie’s injuries from Doug. They were both lost thinking they were living, except they weren’t. It was all about survival. And the worst part is that sometimes, you will lull yourself into a sense that survival=living when that’s not the case. That’s what happened to the Buckleys I think.

We don’t know what’s to come, but the family secret might come up again in therapy. Which they better freaking continue and not drop like the Flash did.

On the factory fire- I think we hyped it up more than we expected. Eddie Begins and Chimney Begins were really serious episodes with their lives on the line. And I think about Buck talking about giving up after he gets out. He wasn’t going into this fire with a clear head. I think he saw himself as the replacement baby still who couldn’t ever live up, who couldn’t do things right. He wouldn’t leave despite ordered because that was showing Saleh he didn’t matter. To Buck, he did. He gets being left behind and in those situations, you’d rather someone else be happier and fine while you take the impact. Like the world would keep turning and everyone would be fine (eventually) after you left it.

The ladder truck and tsunami were physical pain. The factory fire was emotional pain. (which reminds me, I need to make a post about the element symbolism in Begins episodes)

If we didn’t see a hug in the episode, then we write the fic for it. Missing scenes can be created ;) Not to mention they’ve all still got work to get done on the scene. After events like that, I think everyone needed time to process it.

I get bisexual vibes off Buck big time in this episode. And I think there is repression and closeting that comes into play here. Your parents are constantly disappointed in you, so why disappoint them further? Bury it down deep and deeper who you really are. It was the attention-seeking that would work out for him. Also, bisexuality is more than one. You identify as bi and your partner uses she/her? Bi. Partner uses he/his? BI. Partner uses them/they? Still bi. (Also, how much do we know about the postcards he wrote. Maybe he didn’t give her the full story. There’s only so much room in a postcard and she was the one person in the world who still believed in him. Was he afraid to disappoint her?)

Overall, I did enjoy the episode. Eddie Begins always holds a special place in my heart as the first ever episode of 911 I saw enough of to get me interested in the show. The thing is that I can’t pit the Begins episodes against each other. They all show a journey in some way. 

Hopefully this was coherant enough and I’m sorry for my little bisexual rant.