#i had more to say about this than expected i guess | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

planetallure · 14 hours ago

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i prayed for this!! i prayed for this, yes god!!

baby i was FED with this one, absolutely! so much to talk about.

this was the turning point without a doubt.

i’ve been thinking about how this chapter would go and how jj would react to no longer having access to her and honestly he was a lot more mature than i expected.

i literally had to pause and say out loud “no he isn’t…” when rafe tapped that glass to make the toast. i just KNEW it. my mind went back to how he was observing her like a statue earlier. making sure she was nice and pretty and polished for the the way he was about to put her on display. the set up was just too perfect. he knew exactly what he was doing, like yes ofc the inevitable proposal was going to be public and in front of all of his friends and family. ofc!

the chekhov’s gun moment of her looking in the mirror at her bruised and battered body??? i did not see that coming. i guess i as a reader i am so used to the shit. like oh okay yeah, rafe marking his territory and being the evil bastard that he is, right, got it. but the slight emphasis on the bite mark should’ve gave it away

i was again almost as nervous as i can imagine she was about seeing jj again after not having done so in a month but it was also inevitable. seeing that he knew very well why she had been avoiding him from the way he was treating kie, he knew what kie said got into her head. but like she told him, and i’m sure the sensible part of him would agree, she didn’t say anything that was untrue or that they didn’t already know deep down.

i honestly was calling his bluff. he knew better than anyone the chaos and danger that he would be putting her in by telling sarah and the others himself about what she’s going through. but i really don’t know (if it hadn’t come out the way it did) if he actually would’ve told anyone because he just knows too well what could happen to her if he did.

i genuinely thought he spilled the beer on her on purpose there for a second but his reaction to hearing what sarah saw on her later made me think otherwise.

it had to happen. like i genuinely believe there was no better way for it to be revealed. sarah had to see the shit for herself one way or another. and there was no way that reader could deny it then because everyone on that damn island knows how rafe is about her and that she is his shadow and there is just no way that it could’ve been anyone else but him.

baby the tussle that ensued?? the drama?? lived. like yes let’s not forget sarah is a fighter honey and i’m glad she didn’t back down or take that weak ass lie.

this absolutely couldn’t have come out a better way. the slow realization of them finding out that their friend was being abused…cherie, your mind. actually brought tears to my eyes when i imagined sarah seeing the bruises and her finding out. like not only is her brother an abuser but her dad is also aware of this and is complicit. and when she finds out that it hasn’t been just months…i can just imagine the way she’s gonna spiral and question everything that’s happened up until now.

when she realizes it was him that broke her nose and fucked up her knee?? she might just go into shock.

i’m glad they all know now though. sarah especially. because now it’s more than just one mind that can come together and support/protect her. jj is definitely gonna go rogue at some point because duh lol. engaged?? yeah that just put a brand new battery in his back. like mama he ain’t hear a word she said after that. just kissed her on the forehead and shut the door lmao.

things are bout to heat up and i don’t know if i’m ready (i’m not).

Teenage Dirtbag XVII

JJ Maybank x Reader x Rafe Cameron

Warnings: NON-CON, DUB-CON, abusive relationship, domestic violence, mentions of violence (+ gun violence), gun kink, dacryphilia, attempted murder, blood, semi public sex, jealousy, manipulation, infidelity, underage drinking, drug use, canon ages, kook!reader

➥ banner by @vase-of-lilies | ➥ divider by @firefly-graphics

➥ series masterlist

summary: You’re charmingly spoiled. You’re too kind for your own good. You’re the princess of Figure 8 …and you’re way out of JJ Maybank’s league, but when he realizes that Rafe Cameron’s pride and joy is actually a bruised and battered damsel, he’s determined to save you.

Your rescue just comes with a price.

⭑

You hadn’t seen nor talked to JJ in three weeks.

That hadn’t been your goal, having every intention of seeing him again after that day at The Wreck—even if only to officially break it off between you. Things hadn’t worked out that way though and before you knew it, a week went by and then another and another. It was a combination of things really—Rafe being around a lot more above all else—but you also didn’t think you had it in you to look JJ in the eyes and reject him again.

The day at The Wreck had been hard enough, and you’d only succeeded then because you were so overwhelmed by Kie’s words, desperate to get away and think. She hadn’t said anything untrue, anything wrong, and that’s what made her words sting the most. Sure, JJ talked a big game about figuring out a way to safely get you away from Rafe…but in practice…? You’d been with Rafe for over two years and still hadn’t been able to come up with a scenario that wouldn’t come back to bite you.

JJ wanted to save you, and you wanted to let him, but it was unrealistic. The only chance you had would be to move halfway across the world and even then… Rafe could be scarily determined to see something through, and it wasn’t like he lacked the means and resources to simply follow you. He hated to lose.

Sometimes you wondered if JJ really understood just how dangerous Rafe was.

…or if he simply enjoyed sneaking around with his girlfriend more.

Such a thought seemed so unfair to you—especially since there was no doubt in your mind that JJ cared about you—but you’d told him the same thing before all of this even started. You’d had no problem telling him that you dating Rafe Cameron had a hand in his aggressive pursuit of you. You still believed that actually, and it wasn’t like you minded all that much because you were getting something out of this too and JJ was making you feel things you hadn’t felt in a long time.

…but Kie was right.

She was so right. You either had to leave Rafe or put an end to your ‘relationship’ with JJ. Anything outside of that wasn’t up for consideration, and between you and JJ, only one of you had what it took to do the right—and smart—thing. So, you hadn’t seen JJ in weeks…and it hurt.

You didn’t know why, but you hadn’t expected it to hurt this much.

This person who had become this cliche bright light in an otherwise dark life was no longer there. You didn’t look forward to the following day anymore nor anticipate hearing from someone who never failed to put a smile on your face. The nights that Rafe spent with his father or at home were no longer filled with a familiar presence to keep you company. When Rafe left the other side of your bed empty…it stayed that way.

…and against your will, you found yourself crying a lot more these days.

“Sweetheart, you really need to get more sleep,” your mother cooed as she gently touched your face. “Everything okay…?”

You nodded at her as you stirred your creamer into your coffee.

“Yeah,” you assured her. “Just having trouble sleeping lately.”

She hummed at that, pressing a kiss to your temple.

“I’m going to give you something for that,” she told you, rubbing your shoulder. “...and something for those bags under your eyes too. It’s making you look ill.”

You didn’t have a response for that other than a soft ‘thanks’. She hummed at you before your father pulled her attention away, both of them getting caught up in a conversation about the broken garbage disposal. Their voices faded to the background as you continued to stir your coffee, even when it had long blended into an even toffee color. You only stopped when your name was called.

Your parents were looking at you expectantly when you glanced up.

“Sorry?”

Your mother chuckled, albeit throwing you an odd look while doing so.

“I said you’ve gotten a dress for Rafe’s party, right? It’s the big twenty-one, and you can’t go wearing something you already have,” she said, sounding like it was the most ridiculous thing in the world.

You swallowed at the mention of his birthday, unable to forget about its approach even if you wanted to.

“Rafe bought a dress for me months ago.”

Your mother’s smile made your stomach turn.

“Of course, he did,” she commented, gently squeezing your arm. “He’s always so sweet to you.”

You weren’t able to keep looking at her as a fondness settled on her features as she thought about your relationship.

“I’d ask to see it, but I want to be surprised, and plus he never disappoints,” she chuckled. “He always knows just what to pick, and you look so radiant every time.”

Her parting words made you sigh, and for the umpteenth time, you imagined how they’d react if they ever knew the true nature of your relationship with Rafe. They doted on him because he seemingly doted on you. Like any decent parents, they were skeptical of him until he proved himself, and now years later—after he’d long started putting his hands on you—they still thought you two were the best thing to ever happen to each other.

If they knew the truth, you had no doubt it would break their hearts for more reasons than one.

“I don’t know why I’m surprised to see you…”

Sarah’s voice pulled you from your thoughts, and you were forced to pull your gaze away from the picture they had on the wall. You didn’t doubt that it was some piece Rose had brought into the house.

“It’s Rafe’s birthday, so, of course you’re going to be here, but I feel like I haven’t seen you in weeks…”

She hadn’t seen you in weeks, and just like with JJ, it hadn’t been intentional, but you still felt bad. In an effort to distance yourself from the younger blond, you’d pulled away from anything that had to do with him. You didn’t know if you just didn’t want to chance seeing him or hearing about him, but that had included making yourself scarce around Sarah too. Considering that you were dating her brother, it was almost an impressive feat.

“Are you okay? Because as I’m saying this I realize it has been weeks since I’ve seen you, and when Pope asked about you the other day, I realized I couldn’t tell him how you were because I don’t know myself.”

You didn’t know how to respond, unable to tell Sarah that you felt like you were constantly outside of your own body, experiencing everything indirectly since you’d unofficially broken things off with one of her best friends. You missed him—more than you thought you would—and you were back to the reality of what your life was like—and would forever be like—without JJ in it.

So, you simply said:

“I’m fine.”

Sarah didn’t look like she believed you, and you watched as she pulled her lip between her teeth.

“None of us did anything, right?” you were already shaking your head. “...because everything seemed fine and then-.”

“No, of course not,” you said with a light chuckle, trying to reassure her. “It’s just stuff at home that I’ve been handling. Nothing serious, but it’s kept me really busy lately.”

The younger girl slowly nodded at that, still looking unsure.

“If you say so,” she commented. “We’re still down whenever you can pull yourself away.”

It was a very basic gesture, but it both warmed your heart and made your stomach sink. You knew that you’d either have to man up and face the possibility of running into JJ despite the fact that you were now over, or tell Sarah you didn’t want to be friends anymore, and the latter you couldn’t ever bring yourself to do. You enjoyed being around her and her friends, and one could argue that you should be taking advantage of your new free time now that you were no longer seeing JJ.

…but the thought of facing him so soon after essentially ghosting him made your chest hurt. You were self aware enough to admit that you didn't think you were strong enough to face him and walk away again. With JJ out of the picture, you were quickly reminded of just how awful your life was before he decided to kiss you that night, and it was so easy to just let yourself go back to what made you happy.

You were afraid that your resolve would crumble with just one look.

How easy it would be to tell yourself that you deserved this and that your relationship with Rafe was hardly a relationship, at all. It wasn’t a hard argument to make either. Rafe had beat you and threatened to kill you and even put you into the hospital. Anyone in their right mind wouldn’t blame you for what you’d done, but it wasn’t just a matter of right and wrong and who considers what's classified as either of those things.

Rafe would kill you.

That was something you knew for a fact. He’d threatened to do so on several occasions, but you knew that if Rafe ever found out about you and JJ—even in a sense of past tense—there would be nothing to talk about. He would kill you and more than likely JJ too. Sneaking around with JJ just for the hell of it—with no actual foolproof plan to safely get away from Rafe for good—was a death wish.

It was beyond foolish, unfair to JJ, and dangerous for you both.

It was why you greeted Rafe with a gentle smile when he finally found you some time later, reaching for you and threading his fingers through yours. Keeping him happy would keep you safe. You knew that, and somewhere along the way, you’d gotten comfortable and allowed JJ to make you forget that. Your only viable options were Rafe…or death, and anything in between was just a longer and complicated way to achieve the latter.

“I figured I’d find you gossiping with Sarah,” he drawled, tone light-hearted.

You attributed his good mood to this day—and party—being entirely focused on him. You smoothed down the eggshell dress he bought for you, relieved that it was still blemish free. You grimaced as you recalled the last dress you’d spilled some wine on while attending yet another party his parents had thrown.

Rafe took note of the action, and he paused to admire you.

You watched as his blue eyes roamed over your frame, drinking in everything from your perfectly styled hair to the baby pink polish on your toes. The house held that moderate hum that came with a full guest list, but Rafe was entirely focused on you. It felt like one of those rare moments when he was genuinely happy with you, and the look on his face was reminiscent of when you both were eighteen and in love and he was sweeping you off of your feet.

Rafe moved closer and fingered an errant piece of hair before putting it back in place. That seemed to satisfy him, and you watched as the corner of his lips curved upwards just the slightest. His fingers fell to your chin where he gently grazed your skin, and Rafe straightened, looking you over again.

“You look perfect.”

The way in which he said it broke the spell, and suddenly the look in his eyes was so clear. You felt shiny all of a sudden—metallic and heavy and like you belonged on a shelf. Your heart sank, and you didn’t know why because you knew that. You’d long accepted that to Rafe, you were some prize, molded perfectly into his ideal girlfriend who would never dare leave him or speak out against him, and who’d be his support no matter what.

For a split second, you’d really forgotten that, and you gave him a small smile.

“I’m wearing a perfect dress.”

Rafe only smiled at that before pressing a kiss to the corner of your lips, pulling you along.

Everyone was moving outside to cut the cake and lavish Rafe with even more attention. You held his hand tight as they did, playing your role and thinking about the many years to come in which you’d have to do this. You’d long resigned yourself to it, but for some reason it was getting to you today more than usual. Perhaps it was because you could see it.

All over their faces.

They all looked at you and Rafe with such fondness and hope and happiness. They saw Ward Cameron’s only son with your father’s only daughter and pictured the future generations of Figure 8 and who would start it. They looked at you two and saw two sons and two daughters and a white picket fence and maybe even a dog. It caused a shiver to travel down your spine, and just when you considered excusing yourself, your boyfriend spoke.

Everyone quieted down as he gently tapped a glass, and you were forced to remain exactly where you were.

Rafe stared into the glass for a moment before leisurely setting it aside. You knew that this was his typical speech in which he thanked everyone for coming and showed endless gratitude to Ward and even briefly mentioned you, but there was a look that passed over his face that you couldn’t name. He looked happy—as expected—but there was a hint of haughtiness in that smile.

“I’m thankful that all of you came to support my family and I to not only celebrate my birthday, but to usher in this new era as I officially join my father’s business as well…”

Hums of appreciation and congratulations reached your ears, and you threw Rafe a smile when he glanced at you.

“I pretty much have everything I want, so…” he waved his hand around. “...gifts and all that typically don’t mean anything to me at this age.”

You kept your eyes on him, wondering what direction this speech was going in.

“However…” Rafe’s smile grew. “There is one gift I’m hoping my wonderful girlfriend will give to me…”

The gasps and commotion around you sounded more horrifying to your ears than exciting as Rafe turned to you and lowered himself to the ground. He was on one knee and reaching into his pocket, and despite the fact that you knew what that meant, you were in complete denial—frozen where you stood—up until he said the words.

“...by telling me ‘yes’ when I ask her to marry me.”

You heard your mother cry out behind you, and if there was any thought that she knew about this, it was quickly gone. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see Rose covering her mouth in excitement, and you wanted to look around to see if anyone felt as horrified as you felt, but you knew the answer.

If you dared to look around, everyone would be smiling and looking on in awe and anticipation as they watched Rafe Cameron propose to you. You were sure that if you were met with the sight, it would terrify you, making you feel like you were knee deep in an episode of The Twilight Zone. You glanced up anyway, and only confirmed your suspicions, and you had the sudden urge to cry.

Why was everyone so happy? Why wasn’t anyone else petrified?

It took you an embarrassingly long time to realize it was because no one else knew. No one else knew that Rafe choked you when he felt you were getting too smart with him. No one else knew that the man on one knee before you was also the very same to break your nose and put you in the hospital. No one knew that the man proposing to you had once put the barrel of a gun in your mouth and threatened to kill you.

None of them knew that, and the one person who did didn’t look nearly as horrified as you felt.

You felt like you’d been in your head forever, but in reality, it was probably only a few seconds. Rafe was still knelt before you with that haughty smile and satisfied gleam in his eye, and you knew it was because he knew he’d won. You wouldn’t dare tell him no in front of your families and their friends and put a crack in the perfect picture you two had created.

The ring was a marquise solitaire with a yellow gold band, and if you were guessing correctly, you knew it was at least 3 carats. Tears spilled over as you looked at it, recalling a time where you’d told Rafe that was your dream engagement ring, but that was back then when Rafe was your dream man, and you were in your dream relationship. Both him and the relationship were a nightmare, now, and being presented with that ring of all rings made you sob.

When those blue eyes of his dimmed just a tad, in an effort to protect yourself, your mouth spoke before your brain could catch up, desperately telling him what you knew he wanted to hear.

“Yes.”

The word came out of your mouth and was said in your voice, but you didn’t approve of it, and you broke down again as cheers erupted from around you. Your vision was blurry as Rafe slid the ring onto your finger—a perfect fit—and he was quick to stand and pull you against him. Someone was loudly crying, and it sounded a lot like your mother, but the both of you were crying for entirely different reasons.

Rafe wrapped his arms around you, burying his face into your hair as he rocked you both from side to side. You could feel yourselves being closed in on, everyone wanting to come and personally congratulate you, and you shrunk in on yourself, wanting to be as far away from here as possible.

Rafe’s lips grazed your ear.

“You just made me the happiest man on earth.”

You turned away from your bruised reflection, thinking that the evolution of your relationship seemed to bring out a side of Rafe that even scared him a little. You thought that he couldn’t keep his hands off of you before, but it was nothing in comparison to now that he could call you his fiancee. It rolled off of his tongue whenever he was inside of you, and it made it impossible to disassociate and try not to live in the moment of what your life had become.

You didn’t know if he was excited because he was so close to tying you to him forever, or if the ring on your finger increased the sense of ownership that he felt he had over you, but too many times had Rafe left you a little more battered and bruised every time he got you into bed as of late. Thinking about the harsh feel of his teeth on your back only days ago brought tears to your eyes, and you reminded yourself that you knew the trajectory of this journey the day you lied to the police.

After the successful proposal, the party had gone on for another two hours, every individual guest wanting their own solo moment to congratulate the happy couple. Rose and your mother endlessly fawned over the ring, and when you finally got a moment alone with your father, you discovered that he’d known for weeks.

After all, it was weeks ago that Rafe had formally asked for his permission.

“I don’t think any man will ever be good enough for you,” he’d said. “...but he treats you right and respected me enough to come to me.”

The tears in your normally stoic father’s eyes only served to remind you that everyone else was living in an entirely different reality with an alternate version of your relationship. You were feeling more trapped and cornered than ever, and everyone else around you was…elated.

All except one.

“Oh my God,” Sarah had said the moment she'd been able to get a moment with you.

She took your hand and just stared at the ring, and you hadn’t needed to be a genius to know that she wasn’t as over the moon as everyone else. It was all over her face, but despite that, she attempted to be happy for you, and you appreciated the gesture.

“You’re getting married,” she breathed. “To my brother.”

You’d pulled your hand away, swallowing, and beyond all of the overwhelming emotions you were feeling, you still remembered someone whose face you hadn’t seen in weeks.

“Can you…can you not tell anyone else, please?”

She’d looked at you like you were crazy, an incredulous scoff escaping her.

“All of Figure 8 will know by tomorrow morning, you can’t be serious,” she shook her head at you with wide and confused eyes.

“Yes, but we both knew there isn’t really anyone from this side of the island you could possibly tell…”

Sarah seemed to understand that you didn’t want her friends knowing, and although you could see she wanted to know why, she eventually nodded.

“...okay. Sure,” she whispered, tilting her head at you. “Are you happy?”

You had opened and closed your mouth, prepared to lie when she continued.

“You just…don’t seem all that happy.”

“Of course, I am,” you’d said with a deep breath. “Rafe and I are getting married. Why wouldn’t I be?”

It was a loaded question, one you hoped you would never have to answer honestly.

With the heaviness of the ring on your finger and Rafe’s suffocating presence and your mother’s choking enthusiasm about the eventual wedding, you took full advantage the next time Rafe and Ward went out of town, telling Sarah you’d love to come over and hang out with her and Cleo and Kie. You desperately needed a break from the constant reminder that the rest of your life was about to begin.

You had left the ring in your bedroom because you just wanted one night without thinking about it, but you appreciated your decision all the more when the boys had unexpectedly shown up. Nevermind the fact that you weren’t quite ready to face JJ, but you really weren't ready to face him with a huge rock on your finger, and the words on your tongue explaining to him what it meant.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Cleo had half heartedly apologized when she answered the door, pressing a kiss to Pope’s cheek. “...but the house is empty, yeah?”

It was true.

Wheezie was staying with a friend and Rose was on an overnight girls’ trip. You couldn’t even find it in you to be nervous about being around the guys with Rafe none the wiser. You were at his house, and it would take nothing to just drive home, but most importantly, oddly enough, you were more concerned with being face to face with JJ again, at the moment.

Like a coward, you were unable to look him in the eye when you heard his voice for the first time in a month, and you were thankful that too much was going on for your uncharacteristic silence to be noticeable. You felt his gaze on you though, goosebumps erupting over your skin and feeling much hotter, but your eyes remained on your lap.

You only looked up just in time to see him brush past Kie to find a seat, and your brows furrowed as you looked between them. You had never known JJ to be cold, it just wasn’t like him, but there was no doubt about it that he was giving Kie the cold shoulder. The dark-haired girl saw your frown, and she merely shook her head.

“I feel like we haven’t seen you in years,” Pope said to you, reaching out for a high-five.

“Sure feels that way, don’t it.”

JJ’s comment made you grimace, and when you dared to look over at him, his gaze was already on you.

Coming face to face with him after what felt like forever made your heart skip a beat, and you struggled to look away.

“Sorry,” you eventually apologized to Pope, ignoring JJ’s comment. “Rafe and family stuff just took up so much time.”

He waved off your apology, assuring you that he was joking, but you knew that JJ wasn’t, and when the blond got up to get a drink, you impulsively followed. The rest of them—sans Kie—were none the wiser, and you briefly glanced over your shoulder before going into the kitchen. JJ was standing in the fridge, and it was only hitting you in that moment that you hadn’t seen nor talked to him in weeks.

You already knew that you missed him, but it was hitting you much harder as you stood so close to him while being unable to touch him. He looked like he was doing okay, and his hair was just as blond, and when he straightened, you were reminded of what it felt like to have those arms wrapped around you. You missed the feeling, and you missed running your hands through his hair and falling asleep to the sound of his heartbeat whenever you had the chance.

In this moment, it was very hard to remember why you had left him. However, you reminded yourself that you hadn’t followed him to talk about you two. There was no ‘you two’ anymore.

There was just you, and there was just JJ.

“Why are you treating Kie like that?”

JJ didn’t respond at first, merely turning to you and staring you down for a few moments before a mocking smirk graced his pink lips.

“That’s all you have to say to me…?”

You didn’t respond to that, and when it became clear that you simply wouldn’t, JJ scoffed. He shook his head, opening a beer that was meant for Ward, no doubt, before leaning his back against the counter.

“You know why,” was what he said with a straight face.

Now, it was your turn to scoff.

“It’s not her fault,” you defended, continuing when he started to shake his head. “She didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, anything that we didn’t already know. We were just choosing to ignore it.”

“You told me you weren’t going to let what she said get to you. You nodded, you assured me of that, and then I don’t hear from you for a month.”

He’d dropped the cavalier facade, and you could see the anger and hurt passing over his features.

“You don’t answer my calls, you don’t answer my texts, and if it wasn’t for Sarah, I wouldn’t have even known you were alive.”

“JJ-.”

“We were happy-.”

“We were delusional,” you quietly hissed. “Kie was right. Don’t hate her for something that was inevitable.”

That word seemed to bother JJ, and you watched as his features hardened. Your former lover stared at you for what felt like a long time before glancing away. You watched him press his tongue to the inside of his cheek, and you didn’t like the look he fixed you with.

“Did you forget the deal we made…?”

When you frowned at him, he continued.

“That I would keep quiet about Rafe so long as you let me be there for you?”

You shifted your feet, feeling uncomfortable at the mention of that. You didn’t say anything, not wanting to acknowledge that, but JJ merely nodded with a hum. He took another swig of beer, and you really hated the look he fixed you with then.

“If you’re not going to hold up your end of the deal then why should I hold up mine?”

Your heart sank to your gut at that, and you blinked at JJ in disbelief, unable to believe that even he believed he was capable of what he was insinuating. Not only that, but it was such a cruel thing to even bluff about, and you let out a dry chuckle.

“JJ…that’s… No,” you mumbled, shaking your head. “What is wrong with you?”

He didn’t answer your question, choosing to gesture to the living room.

“What’s to stop me from pulling Sarah aside and telling her exactly why you hardly have a life outside of your relationship with her brother?”

Your lips parted, and you just stared at him…unable to believe what you were hearing.

“You won’t let me be there for you,” he spat out with a shrug. “...and someone has to be.”

You finally found your voice, and you blinked back tears.

“That’s not your decision to make,” you quietly bit out.

“...and I disagree,” he argued, crossing his arms over his chest and tilting his head. “We’re not talking about the typical asshole boyfriend here. Your life is in danger every time you’re around him.”

You furiously blinked, looking towards the ceiling.

“As long as he’s happy…I’m safe,” you breathed, lips trembling as you looked at JJ again. “I just have to-.”

“...and when Ward pisses him off again? When you’re not as cold as you should be to some strange man? When he decides Topper was a bit too nice to you? Then what?”

JJ moved closer with every question, a sneer on his lips as he stared you down.

“There’s no way to keep a guy like that happy.”

You flinched, leaning away from JJ as he leaned in. He looked between your tearful eyes, and while yes he was angry and hurt over how you decided to end things, you could see clear as day that JJ was also scared. He was scared for you and whatever future was available to you now that you’d decided to completely submit to Rafe and what he wanted for you both.

His face softened the longer he stared at you, and just as he lifted his hand, footsteps reached your ears.

You were in front of the open fridge just as John B. came in, handing him a drink when he asked for one. You stared at the food in front of you while you attempted to fix your face and get your emotions in check. Your heart was racing in your chest, and you wondered if you were just about to fall back into old habits had it not been for the brunette. You slipped out of the kitchen while John B. brought up something from the other day with JJ, and your smile was half hearted as Cleo pulled you to sit beside her.

You tried to engage with them, but it was hard. You couldn’t get JJ’s words out of your mind and how right they were despite your denial of them. Keeping Rafe happy and discouraging him from hurting you would only work for so long at a time. Eventually a day would come where Ward pissed him off and he’d take it out on your body in some form or another. It was inevitable that Topper or Kelce or some other guy would slip and dare to treat you like a human being, something that Rafe would no doubt interpret as a line being crossed.

It made your heart sink to think about.

So caught up in your thoughts, you paid no mind to JJ and John B. returning from the kitchen until you felt liquid spilling all over you and the part of the couch you were sitting on. It smelled too strong to be anything other than beer, and you heard everyone scold JJ just as you jumped to your feet.

“Why were you trying to carry so many?” Sarah loudly tore into him, alternating between looking over you and looking over the stained couch. “Now Y/N has to change, and you have to fix this couch.”

They briefly went back and forth while you tried to keep your shirt from sticking to you, assuring Sarah it was fine before making your way upstairs to do just as she said you would. You hurried into Rafe’s room, peeling off your shirt and your shorts the moment you were through the threshold. Your skin was already feeling sticky, and if he’d gotten beer on more than just your back and shoulders and arm, then you would’ve admitted defeat and hopped in the shower.

You were half dressed and wiping off the last of it when you heard Sarah’s voice in the hall.

“You have clothes here, right?”

“Yeah,” you called, grabbing one of the many shirts you kept in Rafe’s drawers.

“Okay, because JJ felt bad and wanted to be sure you had something to change into, and then that made me unsure-.”

You were facing her and fully dressed the moment she cut herself off, swallowing the rest of her words. She was just inside of Rafe’s room, hand still on the door handle as she stared at you. Something passed over her face that you’d never seen before, and her brows knitted together as she gave you a strange look.

“What was that?”

Now, it was your turn to frown.

“What was what?”

Her mouth opened and closed—like she was doubting herself—before she tucked some hair behind her ear.

“On your back.”

You felt your skin grow cold at her words, heart sinking as you quickly realized what she was referring to. Now, your mouth opened and closed as you struggled to respond. Your genuine confusion had quickly morphed into something that you normally only felt around Rafe—fear.

Giving her a soft hum, you pulled on your shirt and twisted around.

“Nothing. The shirt’s clean,” you told her.

Sarah gave a soft chuckle, but sounded off—uncomfortable.

“No, under your shirt…”

You stepped away when she reached for you, and the blonde took notice, that frown returning. It deepened the longer she stared at you, and you attempted to lighten the mood.

“It was probably just the lighting, my back’s fine,” you assured her.

She rolled her eyes at you.

“That didn’t look like a shadow. I know what a shadow looks like-.”

“Sarah, come on, my back is fine,” you waved her off, moving out of her reach. “Let’s just go back downstairs.”

Your attempt to get past her was successful, but your efforts to leave the room were halted when Sarah pulled up on the end of your shirt.

The gasp that she let out was loud—horrified—and when you hurried to turn your back away from her, she had both of her hands over her mouth. Her wide eyes were frozen exactly where your back just was, and it took her a few moments to lift her gaze. All the while, your heart was threatening to jump out of your chest. You stared at her and she stared at you, both of you silent—her with horror and you with fear.

“What the hell is that?” she whispered when she finally uncovered her mouth.

“Sarah, it’s nothing-.”

“That doesn’t look like nothing,” she breathed. “There are bruises—that was a bite mark!”

You worriedly looked over your shoulder, scared her voice would carry.

“Where did that come from? Did Rafe do that?”

“It’s not what you think-!”

“Then what is it? Tell me what it is since it’s not what I think,” she spat.

You struggled to come up with an answer, resigned to admit that the truth—while bad—was the best thing you had up your sleeve.

“Things get a little rough sometimes in bed-.”

Sarah cut you off with a scoff, shaking her head at you.

“I don’t believe that,” she cried. “Even if I did, that looks disgusting and painful!”

She hurried to get past you, and you struggled to stop her.

“What are you doing?” you asked her, voice panicked.

“What do you think I’m doing? I’m calling our father-.”

“Sarah, stop!”

She twisted out of your grip, and you chased her down the hall. Your mingled voices were loud as you argued, bouncing off of the walls as you chased her down the stairs. You didn’t pay any mind to her friends and what they were witnessing, only concerned with stopping Sarah from picking up her phone. You could feel their eyes on you as you grabbed her again, Sarah fighting to get you off of her.

“Woah, woah, hey!” John B. yelled, jumping in to separate you two.

“Sarah, leave it-!”

“Are you crazy? You expect me to just-.”

She was cut off as John B. successfully pulled her away from you, a hand on your own arm pulling you away. The problem arose again when John B. let her go, and you pushed your hand against the person behind you to get to her phone before she did. You both fought over it, you on top of her on the couch as you tried to yank it out of her hands.

You could feel several pairs of hands between you, attempting to separate you again and keep it that way. JJ’s voice was in your ear as he pulled you off of her, your legs kicking out as you pointed at her phone.

“JJ, stop her,” you tearfully spat. “She’s trying to call Ward.”

When he made you face him, his own was twisted into confusion, and he kept his arms wrapped around you.

“What are you talking about? Why is she trying to call Ward?”

“Okay, both of you calm down,” Cleo spoke up, and when you looked over you saw that she was holding Sarah’s phone up and out of reach. “What’s going on?”

“She’s hurt! It’s all over her back,” Sarah choked out, chest heaving and face distressed.

At those words, JJ tensed against you, and you gave him a pleading look when his eyes finally met yours again.

“She tried to give me some bullshit story, but I don’t believe it,” the words tumbled out of Sarah’s mouth, and JJ let you go. “JJ, she-.”

“I know,” he said as he neared her, Sarah speaking to him the moment she noticed his approach.

“No, you don’t know. There are bruises all over her back…” you felt several pairs of eyes on you at that. “...and…and…”

“Sarah, I know-.”

“No, you don’t understand-!”

“Sarah, I know,” JJ finally screamed, taking her shoulders and gently shaking her.

The entire house was quiet as his words lingered in the air, and you swore that you could hear a needle drop. Your entire body was trembling for so many reasons, and you wrapped your arms around yourself as Sarah’s eyes widened, her gaze never breaking from JJ’s. So many emotions passed over her features—confusion, understanding, shock, betrayal—before finally settling on two.

Sarah was horrified…and angry.

“You know?” she whispered. “What…? What does that even mean?”

She looked between you two, and you weren’t able to hold her gaze, your eyes landing on the floor. You were the center of attention at the moment, and you certainly felt it.

“H-how long have you…?”

JJ didn’t answer her unfinished question right away, sighing.

“I found out months ago…”

He trailed off at the audible reaction he got, and when you looked up, Sarah’s lips were parted. John B. was behind her, and he was looking between you and JJ with an expression that rivaled his girlfriend’s.

“Months?”

Sarah turned her gaze to you again.

“Months?” she choked out. “Months…”

She repeated it like she couldn’t believe it, and JJ took advantage of her shock to get his point across.

“Sarah, you cannot call Ward,” JJ slowly told her.

“Why the hell not?” John B. wondered, and you were sure you’d never heard him sound so angry.

“...because he’s with Rafe.”

Kie whispered it, coming to the same conclusion and realization that you and JJ were trying to lead Sarah to. The blonde girl in question looked at Kie in shock as if she herself just realized that, and she furiously blinked, shaking her head.

“Kie’s right, okay? He’s with Rafe, and you cannot call him about this. Not now, not ever…”

Only you and JJ knew that Ward was well aware of his son’s nature, and neither of you seemed eager to break that news to Sarah who was so sure her father would be the person to call because he’d do what was right.

“I don’t believe this,” she shakily whispered, twisting a hand into the hair at the top of her head. “He’s hurting you, and I’m just expected to-.”

“Yes,” JJ snapped at her. “You don’t understand-.”

“You’re right, I don’t understand!” they were in each other’s faces. “I don’t understand how Rafe has been hurting her for months apparently and I’ve been in the complete dark about it. I don’t understand how you knew and didn’t say anything!”

JJ sharply inhaled.

“I don’t understand how you’re standing here and telling me not to pick up the phone, and she’s agreeing. I don’t understand any of this,” Sarah tearfully said, shoving JJ.

You stumbled back before turning away and searching for your purse. The sight of them arguing—because of you—and the feeling of everyone staring at you and knowing the truth was making you lightheaded and nauseous all at once, and you desperately wanted to be anywhere but here.

Kie called your name first, and then Pope, but you were already at the door when JJ finally chased after you. You could hear Sarah and Kie going back and forth as you stepped outside, and your vision was blurry when JJ finally caught up with you.

“They’re going to talk to her, okay?”

You sniffed, hurrying towards your car.

“She’s confused and scared and mad, right now, so she doesn’t get it, but she will,” JJ assured you. “We’re gonna talk to her.”

JJ’s hand was on your arm as you reached your car, and you stared at your reflections in the window for a few moments before a sob escaped you. JJ pulled you into his arms, gently shushing you as you cried into his shoulder. He didn’t offer any words of encouragement because this was an unprecedented situation, and neither of you knew what was going to happen from here. Nobody else was ever supposed to know.

…but especially Sarah.

JJ held you for the longest time, and resolute in your decision to end things with him, you allowed yourself to bask in the feeling. You deeply inhaled and relaxed at the familiar scent that was JJ Maybank. You allowed yourself to find comfort in the warmth of his arms, and you could feel JJ doing the same.

When he started to pull away, he kept his arms around you, and when you glanced up, your eyes met his. He looked sad for you and scared for you but above all, he looked like he missed you, and when JJ started to lean in, you swallowed.

“Rafe asked me to marry him…”

The blond froze.

“...and I said yes.”

Your lips brushed his as you spoke, and he remained there for a moment or two before finally leaning back to look you in the eyes. If you thought JJ looked horrified before, it was nothing in comparison to how he looked after hearing that you and Rafe were getting married.

“...and if I asked you not to?”

You gave a humorless chuckle.

“I’d say that a girl can dream.”

JJ softly said your name, and you shrugged.

“I wanted you to hear it from me,” you whispered. “He asked me in front of our families and all of their friends, so it’s not like I could say no.”

You watched as JJ’s expression hardened.

“This was never fair to you,” you said to him.”Please, stop hating Kie for pointing that out.”

“I can make my own damn decisions,” JJ threw out, and you swallowed down a sigh. “...and right now, I’m telling you that I’m not letting you marry him.”

It was a good thing that you didn’t know how to respond to that, because JJ continued.

“I’m not letting that happen,” he sneered. “The thought of you marrying that asshole makes me sick.”

You moved away from him, pushing his hands away when he reached for you.

“JJ, it’s over. I’m actually saying out loud this time,” you sadly told him. “Stop calling me, stop texting me, and… I won’t stop you from staying in the pool house, but I told you that my father-.”

“I’m not abandoning you. You can’t make me,” he cut you off, and you swallowed as he looked between your eyes. “This isn’t what you want, and I’m not gonna let you do this.”

“JJ, it’s done,” you firmly said to him. “Rafe and I are engaged. He asked my father’s permission, my mother is beside herself planning the whole wedding…and you and I are over.”

You looked between his eyes.

“That’s how things are supposed to be.”

The silence that stretched between you was thick and tense, and you swallowed at the way JJ ran his gaze over you. When he reached behind you to open your door, you sharply inhaled, moving closer to him to allow him to widen it. The blond leaned in then and pressed his lips to your forehead, lingering there for a few seconds. You closed your eyes, and he breathed you in.

“I’ll talk to Sarah.”

He assured you of that when you slid into the driver’s seat, but he didn’t acknowledge anything you said, and that made you nervous. He shut your door for you, and as you started your car, you were having a hard time believing your own words when you told him that you were over.

#jj maybank x reader #jj maybank #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron #dark!rafe cameron #dark!jj may bank #obx #outer banks #outer banks fanfiction #obx fanfiction #— lari's fic recs

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holylulusworld · 2 days ago

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Play your cards (Prologue)

Summary: You played your cards well…so far…

Pairing: Mobster!Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

Warnings: mafia au, grumpy/cocky reader, banter, mentions of gambling/counting cards

A/N: This is the twin-series to Roll the dice.

Play your cards masterlist

You played your cards well. No one is suspecting you. Tonight, you made a good amount of money. Not as much as you’ll need to fulfill your dreams, but you cannot risk getting caught.

Casinos will try anything to stop people from counting cards and winning. You know they’ll break more than your hands if you steal from them.

It’s not illegal to count cards if you’re not using any external devices. However, casinos and their owners do not like it when people have an advantage over the house.

That’s why you never go to the same casino more than two times.

Most of the people counting cards get greedy; you don’t. Knowing your limit and how to not draw attention to you is essential. Especially if you want to make money and stay alive in this broken town full of shady people.

Your goal is to make a certain amount of money per night. Never the same amount. In and out within two or three hours. You take your time and never get impatient.

It’s your game, and you play it well. You even lose half of the time you’re playing. Only small amounts, but enough to not make anyone suspicious.

You’re good at your game. The best.

“Another one,” you say, and smile sweetly at the hostess. You’re two thousand dollars away from your goal, but you will lose this round.

Two hundred bucks won’t hurt if the money secures your image of a lonely, heartbroken girl seeking shelter in gambling and drinks.

People at the table awed loudly as you lost this round. You hide a smirk because you are playing your role well.

While you sip on your drink, your tongue playing with the straw, a pair of blue eyes is following your every move.

Unbeknownst to you, your game didn’t go unnoticed tonight.

He had other plans tonight. Plans someone crossed. James Buchanan Barnes wanted to have fun and enjoy a party.

He didn’t expect to find his date going at it with some other guy. Bucky doesn’t care about that woman getting some from another guy. He simply won’t allow anyone to cross his plans.

The waitresses hurriedly walk past Bucky. His brooding, intense expression tells them to not ask questions.

He leans against a wall, keeping an eye on you. Just like he did over the last hours. His dark hair is slicked back, and he's wearing a perfectly fitting, tailored suit with a bowtie.

You giggle at something one of the other players at your table said. It wasn’t funny at all, but it allowed you to quickly look around the room.

Bucky’s eyes meet yours for a split second, and you know he knows.

You turn your head toward the player at your table, acting all girly as you ask for another card. Bust. Five hundred bucks are lost, but you cannot win again.

Tonight, you won’t make the money you wanted to add to the pile you’re hiding.

“The bank wins,” the hostess declares, and you fake a sigh.

“What a pity,” you say before downing the rest of your drink. “I guess I’ll try with the slot machines now.” You get up without a hurry.

Bucky watches you make a show of ordering another drink at the bar close to his position. He didn’t move or even blink since you left the table.

“Thank you,” you slur, and wink at the bartender. “If I weren’t heartbroken, I’d take you home.”

“You know,” the bartender replies, “the only way to get over a guy is to get under another.”

You sneer at his words and throw the drink in his face. Crap. Bucky pushes off the wall to walk right up to you. He stands next to you, glancing at your empty glass.

“She gets a free refill,” he says, eyes trained on your face. Bucky smirks. He can see right through your façade. Not because your game isn’t well played, but he’s simply better at it. Years of watching people count cards to make more money than they deserve.

“I think I should go,” you slur and wobble a little to make it believable. “Thank you, sir.”

“Sir?” Bucky laughs. “Doll, you have to try harder to trick me. So, how much money did you steal from my friend?”

#Play your cards (Prologue)#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #mafia au #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #Mobster!Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

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lowrisemiller · 2 days ago

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she keeps me up 𐚁₊⊹

no outbreak!joel miller x fem!reader

chapter 3- first date

chapter 2

summary- they finally go out on an official date and spend their first official night together.

word count- 5.4k- this one's long folks

a/n- little bit of joel!pov so that’s exciting. annnd if anyone noticed I changed up some of the pics and made them all cutie with stickers ^^^ giggled and kicked my feet writing this one

warnings- SMUT!! Joel coming untouched 😩 makin out, grinding, oral f!receiving, half-assed handjob, unprotected sex but reader is on birth control (not mentioned but trust)

Two weeks later

It’s been two weeks since I started babysitting Sarah, and every day with her feels like a small, sweet escape from everything else. The gig is easy— Sarah’s a bright, curious little girl, and we’ve fallen into a comfortable routine. After school, we bake some treats or play board games, and she’s always so eager to tell me about her day, her eyes sparkling as she talks.

Today was no different. We were sitting cross-legged on the living room floor, the aroma of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies filling the air. Sarah had pulled out her favorite board game, "Guess Who?" and was already setting up the pieces.

"You’re gonna lose again," she teased, her curly hair bouncing as she looked at me with a playful grin.

“Oh, we’ll see about that, young lady,” I replied, matching her grin with a wink.

I was about to make my move when the sound of a knock at the door interrupted us. I froze, my heart skipping a beat. I didn’t need to ask who it was—I knew exactly who was on the other side. Joel.

“Is that Daddy?” Sarah asked, her eyes lighting up.

I nodded, giving her a smile that didn’t quite reach my eyes, my mind racing. I stood up and walked to the door, my pulse quickening.

The door swung open, and there he was, standing in the doorway with that easy, confident smile I had yet to shake off. His eyes met mine, and for a second, everything else faded away.

"Hey, sweetheart," he greeted softly, his voice like warm honey. He didn’t even need to say more. His gaze lingered for a moment too long, and I could practically feel the electricity crackling between us, the secret we’d been keeping from Sarah for the past week.

“Hi,” I replied, trying to keep my voice steady.

Sarah skipped over to Joel, and without missing a beat, she wrapped her arms around his legs. “Daddy! We made cookies!”

I forced myself to focus on her, not Joel, though it was hard when I could feel the heat of his presence behind me. "You two have fun?," He asked. I nodded.

Joel gave me a slow, knowing smile, and my stomach did a flip.

“Thanks for taking care of her," he said, his voice low, just for me.

I stepped back to give them space, my hands suddenly feeling too cold as I folded my arms over my chest. The tension in the air was thick, and it felt like every second I stood there, the weight of unspoken words hung between us.

Sarah chattered happily in Joel’s arms, her voice light and carefree. “We played ‘Guess Who?’ and I was so close to winning! But she was cheating, I think.”

I couldn't help but laugh, even though I knew my cheeks were a little too warm. "I wasn't cheating! I just have a knack for it."

Joel chuckled, glancing at me with that same unreadable look. "Sounds like you’re a pro at more than one thing."

His words hit me harder than I expected. I tried to shake off the lingering heat in my cheeks, but my heart raced again, and I cursed myself for reacting this way.

"Thanks again, really," Joel added, his voice softer now. "I appreciate you watching Sarah. You’ve been great with her."

I nodded, keeping my eyes fixed on Sarah, who was now asking Joel about her plans for the weekend. But I couldn’t escape the way his words—his presence—kept pulling my attention back to him.

He shifted Sarah so she was perched on his hip, his gaze never leaving mine. “So are you still good for watchin’ her Friday?”. I nodded. “Good, uh…” He hesitated for a split second. “Maybe we could talk soon? About… goin’ out.”

I swallowed hard, my stomach fluttering nervously. I knew exactly what he meant. We had barely talked, the tension between us an unspoken agreement. But hearing him say it out loud made it feel even more real.

“Yeah,” I said, forcing a smile that felt too tight. “We’ll figure it out.” I tried to be subtle in front of Sarah even if she wasn’t listening.

He gave me one last look, one that was too full of meaning to ignore.

As the door clicked shut behind me, I leaned against the door for a moment, letting out the breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. It was getting harder and harder to keep my feelings in check, but for now, I had to. Sarah was counting on me to be nothing but normal. And as much as I wanted to give in to the pull between me and Joel, I knew I couldn’t—not yet.

Two hours later— at my apartment

I may or may not have slipped to Alex that I may or not be seeing the man that saved me at the bar. I also may or may not have told her that I’m babysitting his daughter.

Ever since I spilled the beans she nags me whenever I come home from watching Sarah.

I couldn’t even lock the door before she practically pounced on me.

“Soooooo” Alex said in a sing-song voice. “Did ya’ll finally fuck or what?” She’s now leaning on my shoulder.

And yeah Joel and I technically didn’t have sex yet. Yet. Just hand and mouth stuff.

I’m not complaining. We usually have a small window to do literally anything.

Even when it’s his ex’s week we don’t get much time because he works.

Or because he prematurely ejaculated. Last time.

It’s hot but since he did it he hasn’t called or texted me until that following Monday to tell me Sarah is there waiting for me.

Cue dream sequence sounds

It was a warm Friday morning. Might’ve been the best weather Texas has gotten this spring.

Joel invited me over to share some coffee with him before he had to go to the construction site. I just threw some sweatpants on and kept the tank top I wore to bed. Plus a bra of course.

He opened the door, he hugged me, passed me a cup of coffee and somehow he made it exactly how I took it.

“Lucky guess”, what can’t this man do?

Then he suddenly pulled me in close and placed a searing kiss on my lips, he tasted like coffee.

I melted in his arms and felt his cock press against me, and arousal pooled in my thin panties. Joel’s hands trail down the back of my body slowly. He teases at the lace trim of my tank top before sliding his hands under my sweatpants to rest on the soft curves of my ass. His calloused hands were so warm while exploring my skin, and he let out a grunt as he grabbed hold and thrust his stiff cock into my clothed center. The contact causes him to suck air in between his teeth with a hiss. It’s been too long since he's been with someone like this in this way, for so long and he’s not sure how long he’ll last. Our kissing became a mix of frantic tongues and wet lips devouring each other. The intensity at which he takes over is overwhelming.

I love how he can get like this, like he could eat me alive; does he want me as bad as I want him?

“You feel so soft, baby.” He panted between kisses. “Mmmm, I need you.”

“I know, Joel. I need you too…so bad.” I pretty much whined against his mouth.

It’s a frenzy of hands groping at each other. Neither of us could hold back. He began to drag the hem of my tank top up and prompted me to lift my arms as he pulled it over my breasts, which bounced slightly in my flimsy bra. He watches them bounce with rapt attention, practically drooling. With me standing in front of him, bare except for my undergarments, he takes one of them from out of the cup and in his mouth, the other held in a firm grip as he massages and lathes at them. I moaned in pleasure as he took his time covering every inch, leaving a trail of licks and soft bites across my chest.

Joel moved up my sternum, trailing over my collarbone and neck, nipping at my jaw, locking my lips with his once he reached his destination. The noises emitting from Joel’s are animalistic. Almost like he needed to consume me in every way possible. He began to grind into me, pressing his cock into me. I let out a needy moan as his hips propel forward into my soaked panties. Joel’s eyes widened at the last press of his hips into me.

He was so in the moment that he couldn’t catch the signs. Maybe he should’ve jerked off in the shower this morning. Shit. Joel’s mind begins to run through his playbook of thoughts he uses when he wants to stave off an impending orgasm. The latest delivery of lumber, the Longhorns’ upcoming season, and the leaking faucet in the half bath that he wants to fix this weekend. But it’s too late. He grunts and moans, his thick fingers gripping my hip for balance as he explodes into his pants and lets out an exasperated sigh.

It took me a moment to realize what happened as I watched a wet spot bloom on the front of his pants.

“That hasn’t happened to me since… highschool,” he admits, embarrassed.

I brought both my palms to his cheeks almost tenderly, and looked in his eyes.

“Joel it’s okay, I’m flattered honestly.” I let out a laugh— a borderline giggle. I couldn’t help it.

His face flushed further. Then he looked down briefly at the little mess he made. Then he whipped his head around to look at the time on the stove.

“Shit shit I need to leave. Sweetheart I’m sorry I will make this up to ya I swear but I need to change and get in the truck.”

He planted a chaste kiss on my lips, and fixed my bra and tank top. Then in a flash he ran up stairs and almost tripped going up them.

I sipped on my now cold coffee as he stumbled to find his keys.

“I’ll walk ya out”, he said gruffly as he rubbed the skin on my wrist. Oddly domestic.

He kissed me outside his house, the warm Texas sun making his eyes glow so perfectly.

“Have a good day Joel.” I couldn’t help but smile warmly at him.

He smiled back and jogged to the drivers seat of his truck

End scene— back to the present

“Nah we didn’t I was watchin’ Sarah for Christ’s sake.”

Alex just let out a huff and rolled her eyes.

“You seriously need to make a move, a real one. Climb that man like the tree he is”, I snort at that.

“Trust me hun I want to but it’s complicated. He has a job and a child. He just doesn’t have that kinda time.” I said looking down at my converse. Kind of sad.

Alex saw this but didn’t comment.

“Oh we need to do some grocery shoppin.” Alex said suddenly.

I rolled my eyes.

“Why didn’t ya go when I left?”, I said with a slight attitude but it’s all jokes.

“I wanted to go with you! We have so much fun at the store.” She whined. “You mean we get distracted and buy a bunch of shit we don’t need.”

She laughed and I rolled my eyes.

“You drive then let’s go.”

The engine hummed steadily beneath him as Joel drove, the early morning sun casting long shadows over the empty streets. He’d been up since dawn, trying to get everything together for the day, but all he could think about was her. His hands gripped the wheel tighter, and he exhaled slowly, his thoughts slipping back to that night at the bar. The music had been loud, but all he could hear was the rhythm of her heartbeat when she danced next to him. The way she looked at him—those eyes full of curiosity, like she was waiting for him to say something, anything.

God, he hadn’t felt this way in so long.

It wasn’t just the dance, though. It wasn’t just the spark that passed between them the second their hands touched. It was something deeper. She made him feel alive again in a way he hadn’t realized he needed. A part of him had almost forgotten what it felt like to want someone like that—to feel his pulse race every time he saw her, or every time their eyes met, even in the most casual moments. He hadn’t let himself feel that way for so long.

He’d spent too many years caught up in the chaos of life—raising Sarah, keeping his head above water, and just doing what he had to do to make sure everything worked. But with her, it was different. She didn’t have to say much. She didn’t have to do anything, really. Just being around her made everything else fade into the background.

He could still feel the warmth of her hand in his, that soft press of her fingers. He could still see the way she smiled at him when she thought no one was watching. It was subtle, but it was there. And it made his chest tighten every time he thought about it.

Or that morning they spent together in the early morning. The warm Texas sun splayed over her features perfectly. She tasted like coffee and heaven.

Sarah adored her, of course. He couldn’t blame her. Who wouldn’t? But Joel... he hadn’t expected to feel this way. It was new, and it was strange, and it made him feel a little out of control. The last time he had a crush on someone, he was a lot younger. But now? He wasn’t sure how to handle it. He wasn’t sure what it meant.

The thing was, though, he didn’t need answers right now. He didn’t need to figure it all out. He just wanted to be near her. He wanted to see her again. He wanted to get to know her, even if it was just in those small moments they shared when she babysat Sarah.

Joel’s grip on the wheel loosened slightly as he turned a corner, the thought of her weighing on his mind more heavily than the traffic or the work that awaited him. The day would drag on, but every minute spent without her felt like an eternity.

A sharp pang of longing hit him, and he let out a breath, his thoughts swirling again. It was impossible to ignore how much he wanted to talk to her, to hear her voice, to be close to her again. He couldn’t even explain it, but there was something about her presence that made him feel... better. Like maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t as stuck as he’d thought.

He laughed quietly to himself, shaking his head. He probably looked like a damn fool. But it didn’t matter. He hadn’t been this nervous about someone in so long, and for the first time in a while, he felt that familiar flutter in his chest. The kind of feeling you get when you know something is right, even if it’s not perfect, even if it doesn’t make sense.

All he knew was that he was thinking about her all the time now. Every drive to work, every moment in between, she was there.

And he couldn’t wait to see her again.

Thursday 8:38 pm

“Hey sweetheart, Sarah has been beggin’ my brother Tommy for a sleepover at his place so you don’t needa watch her tomorrow.” Joel sent two minutes ago

I heard my Nokia buzz against the coffee table. I picked it up to see Joel sent me a message.

I caught myself blushing before I could control it.

Alex saw of course.

“Oooo who’s that makin ya blush?”, she said, wiggling her ginger eyebrows.

“Shut up, it's just Joel.”

“Oh alright then.” You sent just now.

I was about to turn my attention back to the movie playing on our small screen tv but then my Nokia buzzed not only once but twice. Really fast too.

That captured both my attention and Alex’s pretty quickly. Turning off the movie.

“I was thinkin’ would ya wanna go out?” Joel sent one minute ago.

“If ya made plans already I’ll understand.” Joel sent one minute ago.

Alex was reading the text messages over my shoulder and squealing.

“Hun ya have to go, this could be the moment! You’ll finally have no excuses to bang.” She reasons with wide blue eyes.

I sat back against our sofa. I succumbed to the blush flushing my cheeks and my neck.

I really wanted to see him. Really see him. I want to see the Joel I met at Round Up. The Joel that couldn’t get enough of me.

I bit my lip and reached for my phone and started typing fast against the small keyboard.

“No, I’m free, what time you pickin me up cowboy?” You sent just now.

His response was almost instant. It made us giggle.

“Is 7 good for ya sweetheart?” Joel sent one minute ago.

God, I could almost hear him say the pet name. That thick southern drawl blessing my ear drum.

“Perfect, anything specific I should know? What should I wear?” You sent just now.

This reply took about a minute longer than the last few.

“Just bring your pretty self darlin.” Joel sent just now.

Alex got off the couch and squealed, as if she was the one going on a date with a dilf.

“Babe, we have to hit up the mall tomorrow, we’re both off, you have no choice in the matter.” Alex said, shaking my shoulders.

“Okay okay we’ll go.” I said smirking, hoping that will get her off of me.

When the movie started playing I discreetly pulled out my phone and texted Joel back.

“I can’t wait ;)” You sent just now.

Friday 4:00 pm

Alex and I’s trip to the mall was super successful. Of course with the tons of shenanigans two young adult ladies can get up to at a mall we did find something for me to wear. For my date with Joel Miller.

A dress.

The dress is a deep purple halter with a plunging neckline, fitted at the waist before flowing into an asymmetrical, handkerchief-hem skirt. Delicate sequin flowers shimmer on the bodice and lower skirt, adding a touch of sparkle. The lightweight fabric drapes softly, giving it an ethereal, almost fairy-like quality.

I felt so beautiful in it.

Alex said Joel might be tempted to have another kid.

I also bought some black kitten heels.

Friday 6:45 pm

Joel drummed his fingers against the steering wheel as he pulled up to a red light, his knee bouncing slightly. He exhaled, shaking his head at himself. He hadn’t felt this excited about a date in… hell, he couldn’t even remember the last time. Maybe ever.

His fingers ran over the fabric of his shirt absentmindedly—a pale blue denim button-down, sleeves rolled up to his forearms, paired with dark jeans and boots. Nothing fancy, but he’d put in the effort. Trimmed up his beard, a little cologne—he wanted to look good for her.

And if he was being honest with himself, he’d wanted this night more than he’d been letting on.

He’d told her Sarah had been begging to stay over at his brother Tommy’s, making it sound like a spur-of-the-moment thing. Truth was, he’d asked Tommy if he could take her. Hell, he practically begged. Just this once. Just so he could have one night where he wasn’t Dad first, worker second—where he could just be a man taking a woman he couldn't stop thinking about on a date.

Joel ran a hand through his hair as he turned onto her street. The sun had dipped low, casting warm streaks of orange and pink across the sky. He checked the time. At the dot 7:00. He was right on time, but it still didn’t feel soon enough.

Because tonight, she was his.

Friday 7:00 pm

There was a heavy knock at the door. Alex squealed. I shooed her away and told her to quiet down.

Not before I kissed her cheek and told her I would text her throughout the night.

I opened the door.

“Well I’ll be. Joel Miller showed up.” I couldn’t help the smirk and the blush that crawled onto my face.

His face mirrored mine.

“Wouldn’t miss it sweetheart. You look gorgeous darlin.” I could feel my blush deepening.

I raked my eyes over his broad form.

“You clean up well yourself cowboy, so where to.?”

Joel took my hand and smirked.

“I’ll tell ya on the way.”

Joel’s truck is a 1998 dark green ford. It just screamed Joel Miller. It smelt just like him too; forest, wood, after shave, and a little like cologne?

Joel is taking us to this hole in the wall bar at the very edge of Austin. Neither of us have been but a friend told him about it.

As soon as we stepped inside the joint the first thing I heard was blink-182 blaring through the speakers, almost making the building shake.

Joel’s hand found space on the small of my back.

We both found seats at the end of the bar. Despite the bust atmosphere we found a peaceful stillness in the spot we found.

It was perfect.

Joel ordered a Miller Lite— that made me cackle and almost fall off my seat. After that I ordered a Corona.

The drinks came quick, condensation already forming on the glass as I took a sip of my Corona. Joel raised his Miller Lite with a smirk, watching me over the rim of his bottle.

"You got somethin’ against a Miller Lite?" he teased.

I snorted, setting my drink down. "Oh, absolutely. It’s just so… dad of you. It also doesn’t help that your last name is Miller too.

Joel chuckled, shaking his head. "Maybe ‘cause I am a dad."

"Yeah, but I mean, come on," I leaned in a little. "You could’ve at least pretended to be a little adventurous. Ordered, I don’t know, whiskey? An IPA?"

Joel took a slow sip of his beer, eyes never leaving mine. "Darlin’, if you think a whiskey drinker is more adventurous than a guy who's drinkin’ his beer, mindin’ his business, and focusin’ on his date… then I think you’ve been hangin’ around the wrong men."

The way he said it—low, deliberate—sent a spark down my spine. I took another sip of my drink to cool the heat creeping up my neck. Not to mention made me wet as fuck.

We settled into easy conversation, falling into that natural rhythm we seemed to have. We talked about music—Joel had a soft spot for ‘80s rock but admitted blink-182 had its place. I told him about my favorite books, and he admitted he wasn’t much of a reader, but Sarah had been pushing him to read Little Women with her. That made me smile.

At some point, we spotted the small Photo Booth tucked in the corner of the bar. It had a neon Photos $5 sign flickering against the dim lights.

"We have to," I said, already dragging him toward it.

Joel let out a gruff laugh. "That thing’s been there since the '90s. Bet it barely works."

"Only one way to find out."

We squeezed inside, our knees knocking together in the tiny space. The curtain barely shut all the way, a thin strip of light sneaking in.

"Alright," I grinned. "First one—normal."

The flash went off.

"Now, funny one."

Joel made a face, but I was too busy laughing to keep up.

"Alright, last one—" I turned my head just as he did, our faces inches apart. The timer ticked down.

And then he kissed me.

Slow, but deep—his hand cradled my jaw, thumb brushing over my cheek. The camera flashed.

Neither of us moved, not even when the film strip slid out with a soft whirr. His forehead rested against mine, his breath warm against my lips.

"We should get outta here," he murmured.

I swallowed, nodding. Not before pocketing the two strips that slid out the machine.

The car ride back to his house was quiet, thick with tension, but not the uncomfortable kind. The kind where every glance, every shift in his seat, made my heart hammer.

And when he pulled into his driveway, turned off the engine, and looked at me… I knew tonight wasn’t over.

Friday 9:35 pm

When we walk through the door it's a mix of hands gripping and groping, toeing heels and boots off, hands in each other's hair and unbuttoning Joel’s shirt.

Joel had you against the wall.

“You have two choices, cowboy, take me to bed or take me here” you whispered into his ear in a sultry tone, dragging your teeth over his earlobe gently. Joel thrust up in response, rolling his hips into yours multiple times.

Joel’s breath was ragged against your neck, his hands gripping your thighs as he pressed you back against the wall just inside his front door. Heat radiated between you, bodies flush, mouths teasing, testing, taking. But even through the haze of want, he found enough clarity to murmur against your lips, "Upstairs."

You felt his strength as he lifted you, your legs wrapping around his waist instinctively. He carried you up the stairs like it was nothing, every step deliberate, every touch desperate. His denim shirt was already unbuttoned, your fingers grazing over warm, taut muscle as he nudged open his bedroom door with his shoulder.

The room was dimly lit, shadows stretching across the walls from the soft glow of the lamp on his nightstand. He set you down at the edge of the bed, standing between your legs, his rough hands skimming up your arms, along your jaw, tilting your face up to his.

His eyes were dark, pupils blown wide with need, but there was something else there, too. Something deeper. Like he was trying to memorize this moment—every breath, every sigh, every way you looked at him like he was the only man in the world.

"You’re somethin’ else, darlin’," he whispered, almost reverent, his thumb ghosting over your lips before he kissed you again, slow and lingering, like he had all the time in the world. But then you tugged at his belt, and his restraint snapped like a live wire.

Clothes fell away in a blur of eager hands and hushed laughter, the weight of the moment pressing down as he guided you back onto the bed, hovering over you.

He leaves a path of wet kisses down the plane of your chest, in between your breasts, and over the softness of your stomach. As he approaches your center, he shimmies your panties over your hips and down your legs, exposing your wet pussy to the cool air of the bedroom. Joel moans, “There she is. God, every inch of ya is goddamn beautiful honey.”

He dropped to his knees in front of the bed, his broad shoulders spread your legs apart, giving him a perfect view of the arousal coating your folds. His fingers travel up your thighs, inching closer to your core.

You’re writhing in anticipation of his touch where you need him most. He takes his time, teasing you until you almost break.

Sensing your need, he gives in and runs his finger over your clit and down your seam. He looks up at you with a devilish grin before he dives in. His tongue glides through your folds, lapping up your arousal.

Your back arches, shoving your pussy in his face when he reaches your clit. He circles his tongue over the hardened nub, wraps his lips around it, and begins to suck and flick his tongue, sending shockwaves up your body, causing a moan to tumble from your mouth. He smirks without letting his lips leave you, pleased with your response.

His forearms grip around your thighs to hold you in place, not letting you pull away from his tongue ravishing your clit. He’s devouring you like a man starved. Because it’s true, he has been starving.

He knows you’re close and groans into your pussy. The vibration reverberating through your body is enough to send you over the edge. Your thighs shake, a harmony of moans and curse words barreling from your lips while you cum all over his patchy beard. He laps up your slick while he gazes at your blissed-out face. Joel ascends the bed and leans in to kiss you, and with a devilish grin, he rasps, “Been wantin to do that for awhile baby.”

After I caught my breath I reached my hand to rest over the bulge in his boxers. I rubbed it then reached into the fabric and lazily pumped his dick.

Joel didn’t have time for that though.

“Joel…” you whined, trying to send him a clear message that you wanted, no, needed him. Besides, it’s not like you were likely to be able to sleep now…

“M’yeah, baby…I know…I know,” he mumbled between kisses. Detaching your lips for a brief second.

A sound tumbles out of you, needy and pathetic as you writhe your hips into his touch. Bucking your hips up, you search for something—anything to sate the ache that sits deep in your core. Leaning over you, he grazes his stubbled cheek over your smooth skin before kissing you jaw.

Pressing a polite kiss to your cheek, slides in, burying his cock your slick, tight cunt to the hilt. Taking a few grounding thrusts, he digs his fingertips into your hips before setting a hard, furious pace. “F-fuck! Joel, please don’t stop!” You get impossibly wetter at his eager pace, squelching sounds echoing in the room.

“Atta girl.”

He grunts unintelligibly in your ear, knowing that stopping is the last goddamn thing he’d want to do right now.

“Oh fuck, sweetheart. Y-you really have no idea what you do to me, do you?” Joel growled, pulling his cock all the way out before slamming back in, making you shriek with delight. “You’re so fucking beautiful, you know that, right? So good for me… Your cunt was made just for me. Just. For. Me.”

Punctuating his last words with his thrusts, he ghosts his fingers between your thighs, reaching for your clit and circles over the bundle of nerves. Inhaling sharply, you quickly come undone under his dizzying strokes. One light brush accompanied with a particularly deep thrust has you cumming under him, shaking and dissolving violently. As your orgasm ripples intensely through your core, you drag your nails down his back creating red lattice marks on his skin.

“Fuck! Joel, I can’t—” Your back arches away from the marble as you attempt to move away from his thrusts.

“I know, I know, darlin”

With your whines and moans now muffled by his hand, he continues to pound away at your overstimulated pussy until you feel dizzy, screwing your eyes shut in an effort to ground yourself. Just as he was nearing his own orgasm, he felt you clamp down and get impossibly tighter around his cock.

He drags his hand down from your mouth to your jaw, holding you tightly in place. “Fuck, oh shit, hun, look at me,” Joel lets out a strangled moan before cumming inside of you. His release triggered something deep in your core, making you scream bloody murder. A second orgasm rips through you, walls pulsing, your sore pussy drinking up his spend. You collapse into a sob when you feel him pull out, trying to adjust to the sudden feeling of emptiness.

Breaths ragged, he trails kisses up your neck while slowly rubbing the growing dark spots in your hips where he had gripped tightly. You wrap your shaking legs around his waist and pull him into an embrace.

#joel miller #joel miller smut #joel tlou #no outbreak au #no outbreak!joel miller #pedro pascal #pedro x reader #pedrohub #tlou #tlou hbo #harry castillo #romantic Joel miller #on a date #photo booth #8ballpool #pool #freaky tales #she keeps me up

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alanisstonedd · 1 day ago

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construction!ony...

... who you hire to redo your first big girl purchase. girl you a whole a homeowner!! sure, it was a fixer upper but it was PERFECT. the space, the location, the potential, the price?? - you had to. you called up the first construction service in the area with the best & most reviews, asking if someone could come by for a quote for... the whole house..

... who comes by about a week later after a short phone call with you asking when you would be free. you clocked he sounded fine from the two seconds on phone but what you were NOT expecting was the physical. he shows up cargo pants equipped will full tool belt, work boots, tighttttt white tee, tattoos everywhere like a masterpiece… a few gold teeth complementing his gorgeous pearly whites.. you bout have a heart attack at the door

... who can’t stop grinning, like hes already knowin you bout to be a problem. who’s even more excited once he finishes the walk through & quote, because although he can easily fulfill all your needs - for the house of course - this is gonna be a lengthyyyyy project. i mean he has to demo the whole thing first bcs the house is not exactly in amazing shape, then some restructuring and electrical, probably some plumbing. THEN interior and exterior design and aesthetics. but standing in the doorway you already know you don't care how long the project is - you dont even want him to go home when hes done today

... who pretends to be super focused on the quote but spends most of the time peeking at you out of the corner of his eye, imagining you complete bare.. and possibly oiled up.. even he'll admit he got a lil carried away. he assures you that him and his guys will be by very soon to get started on demo, casually asking for your number as he's leaving - just to coordinate ofc courseeee! since you'll be staying with your bestie while the house is getting done. you temporarily get arthritis while attempting to put your number in his phone but hes to busy staring at the way you anxiously nibble at your soft, juicy lips, your tongue peeking out to keep them from drying up. hes only snapped out of his trance when you awkardly shove his phone back at him with a soft chuckle, a wave, and a "see you soon!"

... who can't help but smirk when you start coming by while him & his team are working. claiming you want to "check up on progress" but its literally day two?? he alreadyyy knowin you just want to check HIM out. you wander off ever now and again, admiring your house but you always seem to pop back up when hes locked in, muscles bulging, skin coated with a sheen of sweat making his chocolate skin look literally edible, ripping down drywall or cabinets, hammering, drilling, stripping... like you're actively wishing he would do to you. "you gon keep eye-fuckin' me or you gon help, ma?" he grunts out, turning to look you up and down with a lick of his lips. you suck your teeth and say sum smart back to compensate for the fact that your face is hot and your panties are already sticking to you

... who teases you RELENTLESSLY - you dont even know why you keep stopping by (yes you do, he fine as hell and sweaty). but once you're there its like you can't leave, its the only time you get to see him! and it is your house after all... but you don't know how much more of this you can take. ofc hes physically respectful, ever the gentleman as he was raised to be, but his mouth is NASSSTTTYYY girl. and with his proclivity for deep, intense eye contact, you're going through panties quicker than you ever have.

“you know... i meant to thank you ma. you got all the guys puttin they back in it when you come around. lil’ motivation walkin’ in here wit’ allat ass i guess.”

“bet you like watchin’ me work, huh? that why you always here? i got u feelin a way baby?” you sputter out some response, too hot to think of something coherent, eventually running out of reasons to show up. so you start bringing them lunch! ofc duh, i mean they're working so hard, the least you could do is bring them some hoagies and beers. but it just makes his shameless eye fucking and dirty comments worse. i mean you're not any better, always letting a little "mmm" slip when hes working real hard, flexing and shit. and he catches that shit every time! turning to you with a smirk

"been watchin’ you all day, tryna be good… but you just had to come over here with that, didn’t you?"

“you keep bringin’ us lunch, gon’ make me think you tryna take care of me or sum.”

“I’m just being nice, ony.”

“mmm, yeah? im tryna be real nice to you too, mama.”

hope y'all liked this! likes, reblogs and all the rest are much appreciated!!!

xoxo, lana 💋💋💋

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darlingdaisyfarm · 11 hours ago

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hey! im sorry to make another post like this, but i feel like i need to say some things. because honestly, if i don’t, i won’t be able to move on from it.

further text under the cut because i don’t want to flood your feed with this

when i posted that anon message, i wasn’t expecting.. well, anything, really. i just felt very awful, i dumped my feelings out because i got emotional and i was ready to just delete this app and not come back. i thought, okay, that’s it, i embarrassed myself for the last time, im done. but when i came back, suddenly there were all these kind messages from people telling me they care, and i think it’s only because of you all that i’m still here. you all mean so much to me, i don’t think i’ve ever felt this supported in my entire life. i don’t know what i did to deserve this kind of kindness, but it means everything to me. so thank you, thank you so much to everyone who didn’t just walk past me when i needed it the most, i really needed to hear that. i cant help but smile when reading your words. i appreciate each of you.

the truth is, that anon text hit me like a knife to the chest. and i hate that it did. i hate that i let a random person make me feel sick about my own hobby, my own blog and everything i’ve ever shared here. but the thing is i’ve always felt this way. hesitant, always unsure if i even have the right to take up space here, i guess a lot of that comes from the friendships i used to have.

because ive always been that friend. the one who listens, who gives. who’s always there when someone needs to vent, to cry, to talk about their passions, struggles or random thoughts. and i never minded, i loved being there for people. but when i tried to share smth about me, it was always met with indifference. like what i had to say wasn’t worth anything. and after years of that, i started believing it myself. even now, posting this, i still feel awkward. like, it’s hard for me to even write this without thinking, should i delete this before anyone sees it? that’s where the anxiety comes from and it’s smth im still working through

so when that anon said what they did, it was like hearing all of my worst thoughts spoken out loud. as if they reached inside my brain, pulled out every insecurity i’ve ever had, and threw it right in my face. ive always felt like im being too annoying. i know i post a lot, but every time i cant help but feel so cringe about it. and i fight it because i dont like being constantly embarrassed for just being myself, but it’s exhausting.

so yeah, when i saw that message, i just felt so damn embarrassed about everything, like i was making a fool of myself this entire time and just didn’t realize it and i hate feeling that way.

and the part that really got to me was the comparison. it hurt more than anything, it made me feel like no matter how hard i try, ill never be enough, that all the effort, all the time, all the small moments of pride i let myself have were just misplaced. i know I’m not perfect, i know there are better writers, faster writers or just people who seem to create more interesting ideas or plots or describe characters way better, but i didnt mind? i mean i was just trying to find space where i can express myself without fear, but then that comparison just made me feel so sick of myself. like “oh look, they’re better, so mb you should just give up.” it made me feel like i don’t have the right to take up space here at all

its hard to explain, but that comparison just made me feel like i was less than

i wouldn’t say i’m a perfectionist, but i am very critical of my writing. i put a lot of effort into my stuff, especially since english isn’t my first language. it’s twice as hard to make sure my sentences are right, that i didn’t mess up the grammar, that i used the right words. and when you pour so much effort into smth and then someone just comes and shits all over it, it kills any desire to create or continue smth. makes you feel like maybe you shouldn’t create anything else. hell, i know that sounds dramatic, but that’s how it feels. and i hate that i’m letting this ruin smth i loved

and the part about taking too long to update... i don’t know what to say to that, i’m not a machine, i write when my brain lets me. when i have an idea, an image in my head, when i feel inspired. and i did have inspiration. i spent a whole week writing that last fic, actually enjoying the process, i felt proud of it, which is rare for me. excited to share it with people. and for what?

and the worst part is, i was planning to start posting my art too. i wanted to finally get out of my comfort zone, to share smth i’ve been afraid to share for so long. but if this is the kind of reaction i get for just writing, then what the hell is gonna happen when i post art? i blocked the last anon who sent me hate, so this is someone new then? meaning there’s two people now who actively dislike me enough to go out of their way to make sure i know. and i know, i know, i shouldn’t care about whether people like me or not. but fuck, it’s hard, i’m a professional overthinker, and unfortunately, i don’t think i’ll be quitting that job anytime soon.

i already had so much going on in my personal life. so much i was trying to get off my mind by being here, writing, sharing things that make me happy, talking with people. and then i open this app and see that, and suddenly it’s like, what’s even the point?

i know i’m being a sensitive crybaby. i hate to be this way. and i get that it’s the internet, and people can be jerks and assholes. but i REALLY don’t understand how much poison you have to have in yourself to send this hateful shit to a complete stranger. i just don’t get it. i’ve never left hate on anything, not even on stuff that isn’t for me. it just feels so pointless?

and as for the thing about Stan’s speech in my fics - im not american. english isn’t even my first language. and you have no idea how much effort it takes to get his voice even close to what it should be, he is one of the hardest characters for me to write. so fuck you, anon, you suck. genuinely

but... as much as that anon’s words gutted me, the kindness i received in response meant even more, it reminded me of why im here in the first place. to share things i love, to create, to talk with people who actually care. what im trying to say is thank you for making me feel less alone. i’m honestly just.. overwhelmed, in the best way. i was drowning in self-doubt, and your kindness and support pulled me out. i don’t take it for granted. i love all of you ♡♡ ive read all your messages, and ive never felt SO damn appreciated

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misfxtteam · 2 days ago

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Bucky listens and doesn’t even know where to start with some of the things Tony was saying for himself. If he was being honest, Tony was more generous than anyone Bucky had never met. I mean even when they hated each other, Tony didn’t bar him from staying at the tower with Steve and then having his own room later on. And the description of himself, being difficult to date, he quietly contemplates that as they walk. Tony seemed to have a lot of reasons dating him was difficult but a lot of it was about why it was difficult for the other person to date him. But then issues with his own family life growing up and the problems with people dating him for the wrong reasons, he understood all of that.

“Rambling is more than fine Tony, i just need a second to process it all. I haven’t dated since…before the war,” he admits with a shrug, shaking his head a little with a faint laugh at the mention of engagement ring. “I ain’t asking because I want you to consider dating me. I asked that because I want to know where the boundaries are mainly, and because more could mean anything really. But you’re..right” he keeps his eyes ahead, he had enjoyed the last half day more than he’d like to admit. And he wasn’t like Tony, didn’t have a little black book of people to call because he didn’t have it in him to let people in like that. So sue him, he had maybe thought that…nothing, he had thought nothing. Didn’t matter anyways. He glances over to Tony with a faint smile, “we don’t have to define anything, I’m just glad it doesn’t seem like the sight of me revolts you anymore honestly,” he grins.

Dating was just not possible for him. He couldn’t see himself going out, meeting a stranger, and asking them out. He didn’t even know if he wanted to date Tony really, didn’t know if he was able to date. The nightmares, the trauma and the PTSD that haunted him, the constant struggle of dealing with his past because it would never stop being his past. He doesn’t know what normal person would want to be involved in any of that. He can understand Tony’s issues with dating, it seemed like he’d had bad experiences. But he didn’t expect the questions about HYDRA. He goes cold, he had only mentioned them to explain why he was even doing that type of research to begin with. He keeps pace with Tony though, staring ahead now as they walked, trying to focus on the first questions he had been asked.

“Before HYDRA, I had done…milder versions of what we did,” he explains, “My experience with men has never been like that. I’ve done some back alley fucks, i know that it’s not safe practices anymore but back then that’s the only way men could really do anything together. Guys didn’t date, couldn’t do anything like that, it was just..dangerous. But with women, I did say some stuff like what we did and I could get a bit rough, although I never got so rough with them the way we were. I was dominant but I don’t think I would say I dommed them really. I did get good at paying attention to their limits, to making sure they were okay while we were doing anything that wasn’t..” he has to think for a second to find the right word, snapping his fingers when he gets it, “vanilla! Vanilla, i forgot that was the word for a second,” he chuckles.

He’s taken his hands out of his pockets now and his hands are fidgeting a bit, wringing together as they walked. HYDRA was a different story. He wasn’t sure how much he wanted to explain all of that. But Tony explaining his own traumas is helpful, more than helpful. It makes him feel less vulnerable to know they’re both sharing. “I’m..I don’t know if I’m going to do a good job explaining it. With HYDRA there’s..two parts to it I guess. The first part, letting you have control the first time, I..” he swallows thickly and tries to get the words right, “I didn’t have a choice with them. And it felt good, fuck it felt so much better than good, to be able to trust someone enough to have control when I know it wouldn’t be used against me, that I could trust you to make sure it was good and I could..enjoy submitting,” he admits, a blush building at the back of his neck. He takes longer to get to the second part of the answer, twisting the hem of his hoodie as he thinks. “I don’t know that I ever want to choke someone really. But having a hand on their neck, or their hand on my neck, not hurting them, not doing anything but just..being there, I like it. I know it’s fucked up, I know it is and I can’t tell you why, maybe it’s because I know that i’m in control and I won’t hurt them? I..” he looks down and watches his feet as they walk.

“I’m pretty sure that I like being dominant because it’s like i’m taking back power, and i’m able to use the power dynamic and make my partner feel good, and I don’t..” he blushes a bit deeper, “You’re the only one to really dom me Tony so..I’m not sure that I’m into it in other contexts but with you, I definitely enjoyed it”

Bucky shoves his hands in his pockets as they walk, keeping pace with Tony and having to hide his smile at some of the things he said. Chicken salad from a diner felt like a crime honestly, and he nods in agreement, “oh yeah, most healthy options at a diner feels like it goes against some kind of diner etiquette,” he chuckles, giving a nod to the security officer as they walk past him.

Once they’re out on the street, he realizes that going out at night meant he didn’t feel the need to pull his hood up or try to hide his face. The lack of people milling about and the lack of potential cameras flashing made him feel a lot less anxious about going out and he breathes a bit easier as they walk further away from the Tower. But then Tony’s question brings a blush to his cheeks and he has to figure out how he wants to do this. Tony’s disclaimer made him realize he pretty much felt the same way. He didn’t feel the need to keep secrets at least he doesn’t think so.

“I can promise I won’t lie and I think I want to put everything on the table too. I don’t know exactly where this conversation is going to go but I can’t see you asking me anything that’s going to warrant me saying it’s over the line and refusing to answer. If you want to know something, I’ll tell you, I mean i guess that’s the whole point of this conversation. And the short answer to your question is..is the internet.”

Bucky remembers those nights, he had just started trying to figure out his sexuality because Steve had asked if he still felt the same as he had back before the war. It was a fair question, after everything with HYDRA and the conditioning, there was no telling what that did to his mentality and his personal preferences. Bucky hadn’t been sure, but Steve made it clear that in the current age, there was no need to hide whatever his preferences ended up being if they weren’t the norm. So when Bucky had his nightmares and was up for the night, he would pull open his laptop and just type his random questions into Google.

“It started because I was trying to figure out my sexuality again. HYDRA….well they fucked me up, in more ways than you probably think. So after talking a bit about it with Steve I just..wanted to do my own research. I had a lot of time on my hands at night because I never sleep very well, so I would use google and it started with me typing in questions about sexual preferences and there was a night i dived down into gender identity even. But most nights I would always end up looking more into BDSM once I figured the preference thing out, and I know I always enjoyed a..power struggle, and so learning about the different kinks and different ways of being dominant or submissive, it made me realize i liked a lot more than I had even known. And most of the educational sites I found always had a huge emphasis on aftercare, the importance of it and the different ways to do it. The main thing I picked up though is that it depends on the person you’re with, on what they need after being..roughed up. And that it’s important for the dom too, because of….dom drop? I think that’s what it’s called?” Bucky shrugs as they walk, glancing over to Tony to make sure he was making sense and wasn’t confusing the man. “I became very good at making sure to clear my search history,” he chuckles before thinking of what he wanted to ask.

“My first question has got to be, what the hell do you think should happen now? I think it’s safe to say we completely changed the association, but do you want to just go back to being colleagues, without the harsh digs every time we work together? Or do you want to try and be friends and pretend it never happened? Or are you open to the idea of something…more? I have no idea what ‘more’ would be but i’m open to figuring it out with you,” he confessed.

#ironwinter rp #pick your battles #james buchanan barnes #tony and bucky #mr tony stark

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with-my-murder-flute · 2 days ago

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Hanu Olgarezh: Notes and headcanons

I just finished The Tomb of Dragons for the second time, and have kneaded my thoughts into a ball of dough

Origins and Job

From Ezho; is one of five children

His being Ezheise is notable enough for Thara and Zhodeän Parmorin to each note it with a bit of surprise

Has been with the Principate Guard for less than a year

Got hired partly because the Guard is "desperately short-handed" and "need officers so badly"

Volunteers to guard Thara when he returns from Cetho

Trusted enough he gets pulled from guarding Thara to arrest Coralis Clunethar

My thoughts:

I suspect that, like Thara, Prince Orchenis trusts him specifically because he is not Amaleise. Amalo sounds like a deeply corrupt city, where previous generations of aristocracy seemed to scorn actual governance as far beneath them, the religious authorities didn't find social causes profitable enough, and capitalist monopolies basically did whatever the hell they wanted. So Orchenis is bringing in these outsiders to take key roles in the city because they are less likely to have strong prevailing loyalties that get in the way of his plan of justice

This makes Hanu going to arrest Coralis make extra sense; Coralis is a child of the ruling house, has grown up with the expectation of inheriting the principate constantly dangled in front of him, and has had years to curry favour with anyone who's anyone. In that case, the person you can trust most would be the relative outsider, someone Coralis hasn't had an opportunity to sink hooks into.

Military History

Described as in his early forties, pale skin, light orange eyes, "with the crow’s feet of a man who spent a great deal of time squinting against sunlight."

Recently left the Army after a 20-year hitch, partly because being mixed-race interfered with his career progression, and partly because he felt that serving on the Anmur'theileian sucked and the war against the Nazhmorhathveras was unending and stupid

My Thoughts

I wonder whether/how much this man has interacted with:

Captain Verer Orthema

Who was the Anmur'theileian's commander for many years and married the daughter of the mayor of Vorenzhessar, a town in the western badlands

Has enough goblin ancestry to have a silver sheen to his skin and black hair, and says he has been called an "abomination" for it more than once

Unclear exactly when his service on the Evressai steppes ended, since he says that he considered Varinechebel a friend and cared for him deeply, but always disapproved of his treatment of Maia

Orthema is from eastern Thu-Tetar, which is on the opposite side of the elflands from the Evressai Steppes, and I really don't think they're related, although it's also hard to tell because Ezho was founded during the reign of Maia's grandfather thanks to a gold rush, so the Olgarezheise could theoretically have come from anywhere

But Hanu would have been several years into his army service by the time Chenelo died, so it's not at all impossible for him and Orthema to have overlapped for some years there

I guess I'm thinking about this so much because Thara seems headed right back to the Untheileneise Court with Hanu in tow, and I think about what that might be like for Hanu. He could be a complete outsider, but on the other hand, he might be comfortable with Captain Orthema, maybe even have been recommended to Prince Orchenis by him or another member of the Untheileneise Guard, and have his own niche to hang out in.

Also, Captain Orthema is described as a knight of Anmura, and talks about some other people serving in the Anmur'theileian as "our fellow knights" so now I'm all 👀 about Hanu's possible knightly status

Public... relations

So, there's this bit that haunts me:

“That cannot have been your first ghoul hunt,” he said. “No, I quieted several when I was the prelate of Aveio.” “Aveio?” “It is a small town in the prairies south of the Evressa. I can tell you nothing to recommend it,” I said, thinking of Evru—and of the coil of Evru’s hair in my room in the Amal’theileian. I had put that strand of his hair in Lenet Athmaza’s charm mostly as camouflage in case anyone asked, but now it was, ironically, quite genuine. “But it was good practice for ghoul hunting.” “Yes, should one wish to take that up as a hobby,” he said dryly. “It has proved useful,” I said. “Without that, the dragon would probably have shredded me.” “True enough. I…” He cocked his head. “I hear running water. Come on.”

And when thinking about geography, I think about Orthema saying, that the Nazhmorhathveras "will consider the towns of the badlands [like Vorenzhessar) as no more than prey, as they did before the Anmur’theileian was built"

And look, here's a detail from the map Christian Stiehl did of the Ethuveraz with Monette's/Addison's help as Witness for the Dead was being written:

So Vorenzhessar, which is on the other side of a mountain range from the steppes, was the frequent target of Evressai raids? And Aveio is a similar distance away, in a place where the Evresartha is slow and silty enough to produce dramatic meanders, but with flat prairie to ride across?

I'll say it. Weld a tin hat to my head, but I'll say it: Hanu would absolutely already know where Aveio is. Thara describes it as a ghost town with more graves than people, and says he was a rare commodity as someone who could quiet ghouls, which makes me think about what had to be done if the ghouls couldn't be quieted. Would burning them with fire be the kind of thing the army could be roped into helping with?

I'm left looking at that little trailing "I..." wondering if Hanu had known that there was a Witness vel ama in Aveio for a while.

If he heard about the scandal that befell him

If he was possibly about to put two and two together, or confess that he already had

Or had the tact to shut up about it just in time

Just, y'know. Things I wonder about.

#thara celehar #the witness for the dead #the goblin emperor #the cemeteries of amalo #the tomb of dragons spoilers #hanu olgarezh #verer orthema

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untitled-document-95 · 2 days ago

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Enamored (jake seresin x reader)

Summary: Following the events of Infatuated, Jake and reader take a walk.

Warnings: none

Requested: by the lovely readers of Infatuated. You all gave me such a confidence boost, thank you so much!

Word Count: 1k

A/N: A part 3 is in the plans! Please do not hesitate to drop ideas, inspo, and any wishes for part 3 in the comments.

*gif is not mine*

That night, Jake couldn’t help but think his tiny Texas hometown somehow knew how important the evening would be to him. Riding the high of seeing her so happy instead of angry at him for how late he’d been, he led her down the sidewalk downtown. There was a gentle breeze blowing down the street between the historic buildings. Streetlamps cast a warm glow in contrast to the bright light from the stars and full moon. Jake blamed the moon for the chaos that had led them to this moment, but thanked the stars for how it had turned out.

Ever the gentleman, Jake kept her on the inside of the sidewalk, between himself and the dark buildings. They silently wandered up and down the lonely main street for half an hour, the night sounds of the little town as their soundtrack. Finally, Jake broke the calm.

“How are you feeling?”

“Honestly?” she said, sounding much different than back at the bar. “Humiliated.”

“I can’t imagine why,” Jake asks, smirking at her.

“I…really don’t know what made me so bold back there.”

“What, or who? Jack, Jim, Don…” Jake rattles off alcohol with male names, making her giggle. That would be the first time he’d hear one of his favorite sounds.

“Okay, okay, I get it,” she laughs.

“No, no, don’t get me wrong - I want to thank them,” Jake chuckles.

“Really?”

“I was expecting you to be pissed at me. I’m so sorry I was so late. I promise that’s not like me,” Jake says seriously.

“Well, alcohol-induced audacity isn’t like me, either,” she replies, still feeling embarrassed. Jake’s eyes lift to look at the sky.

“Guess it’s this full moon making us both act out of character.” Her eyes look up to the sky as well.

“It’s so beautiful, isn’t it?” She rubs her arms, the breeze giving her a small chill. While her face remains upturned, Jake trains his eyes on her.

“Second most beautiful thing I can see right now.” She blushes and looks at him bashfully, eyes darting between his face and the ground.

The pair continue to walk. As they do, Jake lets his fingers lightly brush hers. She does the same, giving Jake the confidence to slowly envelop her hand in his, a motion that feels so new and exciting, yet warm and familiar at the same time. This time, she breaks the quiet.

“Didn’t we say we were meeting here tonight to talk about why we came back here?” Jake’s mind flashes to the memories that led him home. Or rather, that forced him home. Without the noise and activity of the bar, Jake isn’t sure if he trusts himself to talk about it.

“Did we?” he teases. “I can think of many more interesting things than that.” “Like what?”

“Like that amazing song I heard you playing this morning?” She scoffs at this, but it’s a playful scoff.

“Amazing is a stretch,” she opines.

“No, I’m serious,” he insists. “You may not be Mozart but that was a hell of a lot more than what most people can do.”

“Well, thank you. I’ve been wanting to learn piano, so I’ve been trying to practice whenever I check out books.”

“You like to read?” She nods.

“I love to read.”

“So how often would I find you at that library?” he asks.

“Two, maybe three times a week?” Jake gives a low whistle.

“That’s a lot of books.” There’s that giggle of hers again.

“I only check out one at a time so I have an excuse to run an errand every few days.”

“Still. That’s not a rate I could keep up with unless we’re talking Dr. Seuss books!” They both laugh at this, perhaps both picturing adult Jake cuddled up in bed with “Green Eggs & Ham” in hand.

“I learned to read really young and it just became a habit, I guess,” she says.

“It’s impressive,” he replies.

“I don’t know…if I could trade being a good reader for being good at piano or something like that, I would.” Her tone has darkened, grown in seriousness as though she has begun shrinking inside the shell she’d worn at the library.

“Why’s that?”

“Well, to loosely quote one of my all-time favorite books: ‘Musical prodigies are always celebrated, early readers aren’t, because early readers are only good at something others will eventually be good at too; so being early isn’t special, it’s just annoying.'" Jake waits a pause to ensure she’s done before speaking.

“I don’t think you’re annoying,” he says softly.

“Not yet,” she mutters under her breath. Jake stops walking, but she doesn’t. He doesn’t let go of her hand, so she’s lightly pulled back. Her face is concerned, and so is Jake’s - but for very different reasons.

“Take it back,” he says somewhat playfully.

“Take what back?” Her question seems innocent.

“I heard you,” Jake chuckles. “I heard you say ‘not yet’ when I said I don’t think you’re annoying.” Her face flushes with embarrassment. “Let’s make a bet,” he says, the cocky, smart ass pilot in him coming to the surface.

“What kind of bet?”

“For however long this lasts, if I ever think you’re annoying, I swear I’ll tell you. But I bet that I never will.” Her face churns from confused, to doubt, to a silly smirk.

“What’s at stake?” she asks teasingly. Jake thinks for a moment, smiling at the concrete beneath his feet.

“If I go a whole year without ever finding you annoying, I’ll get you a ring,” he says, her earlier boldness making way for the words he never thought he would have the guts to say…or someone worth saying it to. The twinkle in his eye tells her that yes, he does mean that kind of ring. She giggles and her hand flies up to cover her mouth. She does a little dance in a circle, face towards the moon, as if to ensure that he doesn’t see her face while she has this little moment. She takes a loud, deep breath and spins around to face him seriously.

“You’ve got a deal,” she says, and they resume their walk.

Maybe other people would have been weirded out by this conversation. Maybe other people wouldn’t react the way either one of them had towards each other that night. But when a match is made in Heaven, there’s not a supernova in the galaxy that could ruin it.

#x reader #jake #jake hangman seresin x reader #jake seresin x you #jake seresin x reader #jake seresin #glen powell #top gun maverick #top gun fanfic #top gun

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lost-in-the-land-of-stories · 2 days ago

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Elisabeth de Musical 2025 Review (DeLaMar, 22-03-25 Previews)

Hello friends, been a while since I did serious Elisabeth posting, but GUESS WHO WENT TO SEE THE NEW DUTCH SHOW DURING PREVIEWS >:3

I figured it might be nice to have a bit of a report/review for if you’re considering going to see this version of the show, especially if you have to come from abroad to do so. I will do a spoiler-free section first, and then hide my spoiler thoughts under the cut (just a heads-up, I wrote 2000 words of just rambling thoughts immediately after coming home last weekend so this post is LongTM).

Spoiler Free Review

I was really excited to watch a fresh take on Elisabeth from within the area that just takes over the German-language staging, and I was not disappointed. This take on Elisabeth makes some big swings and changes and while there are a few I have complicated thoughts on, overall I really liked it.

The cast is incredibly talented, and the creative direction was fresh and interesting and thoughtful. The choices made feel deliberate and interesting, the new sets are both beautiful and combine having to be moved because the show is touring with not looking lazy/confined by the fact they’re for a tour (in case you’re wondering, yes that’s shade on the non-existent sets and boring screens they used in the previous German-language tour and the endless concerts). It still is a little pared-down, don’t expect 04-05 Vienna opulence, but the choices made feel more like they were made for creative reasons than simply so the show is moveable. There are screens, yes, but they are used in interesting fashion, and the sets that are used call back to older stagings in interesting ways as well as bringing a fresh new approach. I would love a bit more opulence, but I won’t deny that watching the Toho and Takarazuka productions a lot specifically primes you to look for that.

The costumes I am a bit more in the middle about; there are fewer and they are more simple at times than I would like, but there are also a number of really beautiful costumes and I once again do understand why they did what they did; it’s a deliberate choice, and I respect that. The one thing I’ll say here and not in spoilers because I have the picture up anyway; I fucking LOVE that they gave de Dood back his red coat. Original Dutch Death Stanley Burleson had a red coat and devilish motif, and I utterly love that they brought that back for Milan. It feels a little bit uniquely Dutch, I don’t recall any other recurring productions that use it a lot, and that makes me immensely fond of it.

The cast is absolutely incredible and I have essentially nothing but good things to say. Danique Dusée is amazing as Young Sisi, she has a really incredible way of bringing both a real boisterous youthful energy while also pulling of incredible vulnerability, without coming across as helpless. It was impressive to see, and I really enjoyed her Sisi. I also really like her singing, though I miss the very high soprano type Sisi vocals, her voice is beautiful and I enjoyed it immensely. I also really loved getting to see Pia Douwes actually performing Elisabeth, instead of just singing. I’ve seen her in concert a bunch of times now but this hit so different. While you can tell that she is getting on in years and her voice is perhaps not quite what it once was, I super just do not care. Her acting is truly amazing and you can just feel how much she’s lived and embodied this part. I really appreciated that they used a switch-cast, it created a very interesting change in dynamic with Death, and it was overall very well done (minor spoiler, I suppose, but it’s relevant to know that this isn’t like the concert versions and the switch takes place at the end of act 1, during the reprise of Ich Gehör nur Mir).

I loved Milan van Waardenburg as de Dood, he’s super bitchy and sassy and FUN, and as I already said the red coat just, chef’s kiss. His voice is beautiful, he hits both beautiful low notes and insanely high ones, and his chemistry with both Pia and Danique was amazing.

As for the rest of the cast, I really liked William Spaaij as Lucheni, he’s very fun but also gets very dark at times. My one complaint is that his Italian pronunciation isn’t that great, and it would have been nice to see an actual Italian as Lucheni for ONCE, but that’s not his fault. Guido Gottenbos’ Franz-Joseph is incredibly sympathetic (if terribly foolish) and his voice is really warm and beautiful. I don’t usually have a lot of sympathy for Franz, but he really sold it. And he somehow worked with both young and older Sisi, which I’ve certainly seem happen differently. AND ANN VAN DEN BROECK AS SOPHIE!!!!! Holy hells she was perfect and I adore her and it’s no surprise that my favourite European Sisi would also be my favourite European Sophie, I suppose. She sells the humanity of Sophie so well, and while she is terribly cruel you can see that she doesn’t mean badly. Chef’s kiss. No notes. Please, I want to see her play Old Sisi someday as well. Ronald Jorritsma was a very endearing Rudolf, even though his role was significantly cut down (not in time on stage, but in relevance, further elaboration in the spoiler section). The ensemble was also very good, with some incredibly beautiful and powerful voices and a lot of really cool energy. Noah Bellaart, the Young Rudolf I saw, was also very talented!

Overall, I can just say that this was a really really solid new addition. The cast was excellent, and the sets and costumes (though I missed some small aspects there) were really good. I have some critical points, but I will elaborate those below, because they’re all super spoilery and honestly? I would recommend going into this almost blind. It was really fun to discover the new things they did and the changes they made in the theatre in my seat. So if you’re going to see it? Don’t read this next part, come back once you have. If you just want to live vicariously through my endless rambling; read on:

Spoiler Review

Right. So. SPOILERS TIME. This is going to be not chronological and kind of thematic, so uh, strap in.

Let me start with the big things; this show takes a more abstract approach to some things than the older staging does, filled with different and new metaphors that are really fascinating to me. It is very Dutch in that some things feel a little more toned down, but in ways that I found to be very very interesting. The first big thing is that Lucheni is not questioned by a judge, he is questioned by the Ensemble. They each ask him questions in turn as Sisi is already on stage, lying prone at the centre of a turning section of the stage. As the prologue winds down she is essentially resurrected in front of our eyes and the black mourning clothes are torn off her by the ensemble, before she is tumbled back into her own story. For the entire rest of the show, the Ensemble (when not in specific courtly roles) show up in painters outfits and carrying easels, and paint whatever scene is taking place in front of them. They are, because of this, almost constantly on stage. This fits in really well with the projections/screens they do use, because they are nearly all paintings or drawings of Sisi or the other major characters. Similarly, Sisi, Death and Lucheni also barely ever leave the stage. Like I said, we start with Danique already right there, but she barely ever leaves at all. Because of this painter theme, there is also a large blue ‘person’ puppet that Franz is posing with at some point which was hilarious, especially because Sisi rearranges it comfortably onto a chair later.

This does also lead to one of the things I like less, that is that she has way fewer costumes than is ‘usual’ and runs around in her white ‘nightgown’ for a very large part of Act 1. While I understand the choice (both as a practical one and a symbolic one, it makes her stand out against all the historical costumes around her), I do miss some of her other costumes and I did think it odd she was going to Hungary in her nightgown. It does contrast beautifully with Pia’s black nightgown in Act 2, though.

So, the biggest interesting change for me is probably Elisabeth smokes now. I know she historically did so anyway, but it’s never been in the musical before. If you had told me before I went to see, I would have been very sceptical about it, because it feels like that’s just the thing in all the movies about her right now and I would have worried it was gonna be tacky. It is very much not. Oh, about that, Death also smokes. He has one of those old fashioned stick things that you stick a cigarette into and it is. So much. It really suits him and the smoke creates an excellent effect. And the way they integrated it was just really really cool. So basically he offers her a smoke, a bunch of times, and whether or not she takes it is very intimately related to the state of her mental health. There is the moment after she gives Franz the letter, when he shows up and they sit down on a ledge together and Sisi offers Death a smoke, and something about that image crawled right into my brain and gave me the brainworms. It’s like he’s a personification of all of her bad habits, her bad thoughts; almost less like Death and more a manifestation of self-destruction. It’s really cool and the energy it brings is somehow both way more toned down than some of the big choreographies they’ve had in the past, but also incredibly raw and emotional in a way that gets what they mean across just so, so well.

Danique, as stated, is incredibly capable of showing both Sisi’s strength and her vulnerability. She is very powerful during Ich Gehör nur Mir, and then after baby Sophie’s death there is a sadness and misery to her that I don’t think I’ve seen in that moment in quite that way before. The kind of drag out the moment a tad longer, in more silence than it is in a lot of productions, which means there is a moment where Franz walks in to comfort her and she basically cowers away from him against Sophie’s coffin, raising both her arms and hiding, and it utterly destroyed me.

Pia’s acting is just utterly incredible. Because they get to switch halfway, the power differential between Death and Sisi changes, and that is really something I don’t think I’ve ever experienced quite this starkly. She somehow speaks to Death both as an old friend and an annoying ex, with deep familiarity born of history together. She’s so regal and powerful and there’s something so very sad about her, while also tapping into some of the callousness and dejection really well. She really leaned into the emotion. One of the things I’m not super fond of in Act 2 is that the smoking escalates to her injecting herself with coke, which, again does make sense historically but it was a bit much and I’m not sure that we needed it, and also she does it at the end of Wenn Ich Tanzen Will which is supposed to be her moment of triumph and that felt like it really undercut that.

I fucking loved Nichts, Nichts, but then I always do, because I am just like that. The entire scene in the madhouse was really heartbreaking, and her dress was incredible. She gets a purple dress with black gulls along the skirt, which just was absolutely gorgeous.

Like I said above, Milan as Death was something else. I felt like he really fit in well with the Dutch Death’s tradition; he’s cold and calculating and mean. I didn’t really get a romantic vibe from him with Sisi at all, even though he states lyrically that he loves her. It feels more like wanting to possess her, and honestly he really did feel like more of a manifestation of the depression and the bad habits than anything else. Like that mean voice in your head, the devil on your shoulder. I adore it. He was really fun and bitchy and super fun with Lucheni as well. Also, if smoking is bad for you why does it look so cool (on stage, in real life I actually do think it's disgusting). I also found the choices with his choreography very interesting. He moves around less than a lot of previous Death’s, but in standing imperiously in corners and watching he is somehow incredibly menacing. It was really cool.

As is regular now, Schwarze Prinz is replaced by Kein Kommen Ohne Gehen, and for the first time in ever that didn’t make me want to throw things. Danique and Milan sold it pretty well, even though I do still prefer the other version.

The change from having a judge to having the ensemble question Lucheni also changed his entire relationship with them, which was very interesting. Lucheni seems very ambivalent to Sisi, and the change from him claiming she wanted to die at the beginning of the piece to him admitting that she just Was There at the end is somehow much more prominent like this. William plays him very dark, at times also kind of miserable himself, and while he and Death interact I feel like a little bit less, Lucheni is ALWAYS paying attention to him.

One of the other major changes is Schatten. This one is going to be controversial, I already know that. During the song, both Sisi and Lucheni are on stage in the background. Sisi has just done drugs, and Lucheni is cutting his own chest with a piece of a broken mirror he hurled at Sisi earlier. This, as it is as you can guess, INTENSE, is kind of really distracting from Rudolf. This is what I meant when I said Rudolf’s role is smaller; he’s very much less the focus of the story. Death really doesn’t seem to give a single fuck about him, he’s really just using him for his own gain, and because his big duet with Death is very busy now I found myself unable to focus quite so well on him. He’s still really good, especially in Spiegel, but he’s just drawing a lot less focus. The contrast to this is that Rudolf does just stay on stage for a very long time, in the background of other scenes, before his death. He is lying on the floor on stage when Sisi returns at the beginning of Spiegel. There also isn’t a kiss between him and Death, instead he aims in his mouth as Death just watches on impassively, uncaring as the ensemble lifts and carries him offstage and one of them returns with a candle. Similarly, when Sisi begs him to take her too, he doesn’t even consider it; he just straight up tells her ‘no’ with a cold smile on his face, which is quite a lot less conflicted and angry than he often is in that scene. Basically the entire energy is different, and while I’ve found that I do in fact like it, if Rudolf is your boy then I imagine this entire thing will be disappointing. Usually I’m more up in arms if Death and Rudolf don’t even kiss, but somehow it makes a lot of sense for this version where the ‘romantic’ appeal of Death to the characters seems a lot more absent anyway.

Hass is as disconcerting as always, which was to be expected, but I think they’ve gotten better at integrating it with the story. I have some complicated feelings about Rudolf being the character trying to warn others of n*zis, effectively casting him in a very heroic light, what with the rest of his messy history, but at the same time I think it was important in the current climate to extra emphasise that n*zi’s are BAD (because apparently people don’t just always know that anymore), and having one of the major characters specifically point that out makes the scene read less ambiguously as I know some people have taken it in the past. I don’t like the scene, but I can still acknowledge that it’s important to have in the show.

Am Deck was really well done. Lucheni shows up with fake skulls and starts talking to and about them, and I (because archaeologists are a little weird) found this both incredible funny and a really good addition. The face-off between Death and Franz is really well done, and I really enjoyed it.

The ending felt ominous, not happy, to me, which I really really like. It felt very reminiscent of the 1999 production, which I really enjoy.

Overall the script was largely based on 1999, but I could tell that they have updated it in a variety of ways and I also recognised some of the 2009 Antwerp texts. There are some lyrics that I wish they’d changed but haven’t (we still have to deal with ‘ik houd niet van huichelarij’ which I just think is a silly line), but overall I thought this was a very good translation that’s been updated to the times very well. They also changed ‘muisje’ (mouse) to ‘kikker’ (frog), when Rudolf tells Death what he killed that day, which SURE HELPS WITH NOT HAVING ME MISHEAR IT AS ‘meisje’ (girl). So Thank You to whomever changed that. They also changed something in the lyrics to Letzte Tanz which I really enjoyed. They updated it overall but they did something very fun where the second line went from:

“de laatste dans, de laatste dans, dans ik alleen met jou”

“de laatste dans, de laatste, dans ik alleen met jou”

Which is really fun wordplay if you ask me and Milan pulled it off really well.

Overall, I just have to give this show an absolutely 10/10. Sure there are some choices that I may have made differently, but I am just super excited that they made new choices at all. Absolutely tipping my hat to the entire creative team, the people updating the lyrics, the set design and the cast itself. Thank you for the wonderful experience. I am 100% gonna go see this again.

Oh, and if you want me to ramble on more just ask me questions. I fully must have forgotten some of it already.

#elisabeth das musical #elisabeth de musical #pia douwes #danique dusee #milan van waardenburg #sisi

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