#i had just barely started it but hadnt done much with it

[toreii]

Welp…looks like I’ll be playing this in English instead. Thank goodness I didn’t start Harrison’s route yet.😅 I rather be patient, and wait for the official translation.

[danielnelsen]

update: peach is doing very well!! she's eating and sleeping normally (sleeping more than normal, really, but that's to be expected)!! after 3 days of not sleeping and a few changes in painkillers, she finally just napped for an hr then, after another day, slept through the whole night (and most of the next day). she's started following all her usual routines again and is very keen to eat! still on some painkillers, but they're not having any horrific side effects anymore

now that im not staying up to keep an eye on her all night (while also dealing with upgrading my computer and my phone and also my sister preparing to go overseas and the dogs barking and howling constantly due to all of the above), i finally got some decent sleep too and slept for about 14 hrs. so today ive got that weird shakiness that i get from sleeping too much, but hey it's better than the whole of the last week

[ifimdreaming]

caught

luke hughes x reader

authors note: this is so cutesy to me and im obsessed with writng for Lukey pookie rn so pls send in for him. this is so fluffy, some sexual themes but like barely. and also swearing. also, jack and trevor make an appearnce.

word count: 2.1k

gif creds: @heavenlyhischier

-

You woke up to the sound of the tv playing loudly and the muffled voices of what sounded like jack and possibly trevor, or another voice you coudlnt quite recognize, seemingly coming from the living room.

You froze in place not knowing what to do, and slowly sat up in bed, scanning the room for your clothes from the night before.

Waking up to an empty bed confused you, but you quickly heard the sound of the shower being turned on from Lukes bathroom and it eased your mind immediately.

It wasnt often you woke up in Lukes bed, so you decided to just continue laying down, half naked and happily basking in this feeling while you could. 

Although it had only been a few months of dating Luke, you were starting to feel at home around him. Even with jack around it felt like you just blended right in at their shared condo, and all of you were able to act completely yourselves around each other. 

But there was one thing you hadnt yet done with jack around, and that was spend a night at their place.

Of course you have spent many days here before, but the last time you stayed over for more than just a day, Jack ‘conveniently’ was out of town and Luke 'conveniently’ forgot to tell jack you would be staying over the weekend. 

Although It didnt upset you that Luke pretty much hid this from Jack, it does feel like its about time you both rip off the bandaid and be honest about you staying over.

You cant sneak around forever, and its not like Jack is completely oblivious to the fact that you and Luke have spent nights together before.

There are a lot of thoughts racing in your head as Luke is in the shower, but soon the sounds from the other room quiet down some, and suddenly this feels like a way bigger deal than it actually is. 

Snapping you out of your thoughts, Luke opens his bathroom door with a towel around his waist and wet curls slowly dripping into his face and down his chest. 

“Hi baby” he says seeing you are awake now, which makes you wonder how long he has been up for, and if he knows that we are no longer alone in the condo.

“Hi lukey, how was your shower?” you ask as you begin sitting up in his bed, one hand holding the comforter to cover your chest, the other hand attempting to fix your jostled up hair.

“Good. wouldve asked you to join but i didn't wanna wake you. You looked so pretty and peaceful. you sleep ok?” he says as he is rummaging through his dresser drawers, trying to find his clothes for the day.

“Mhm. i uh- slept good.” you say distractedly, watching him from behind as he drops his towel and begins to get dressed.

He turns around to face you as he finishes putting on his underwear and sweats, knowing you would be watching him from your spot in his bed.

He tilts his head at you and a smirks grows on his face as he catches you staring at him.

Your cheeks begin to blush as he crosses his arms in front of you, licking his lips as his eyes trail down your body and then back up to your face again.

“What?” he says knowingly and you just look at him with a small smile. The feeling of lust taking over your thoughts.

“Nothin..” you say softly and watch as he rolls his eyes and quickly makes his way towards the bed.

He lays his body directly on top of yours and immediately embraces his lips with yours. He grabs the side of your face in his left hand, lifting your neck slightly to connect closer to him and his eagerness makes you want him even more. 

As you continue to make out, Luke's hands slowly trail down your body, and you are no longer covered by the sheets on his bed. 

He sits up suddenly with hazy eyes staring into yours and places his hand around your thigh, gently tugging as he adjusts his position on the bed, signaling for you to get on top of him, and you oblige.

“You're so sexy baby” luke says through gritted teeth as he scans his eyes across your body, running his hands along your bare thighs that are now resting across his lap.

“Wanna wake up to this everyday” he continues, and you take note of the fact that all you have on are his boxers from the night before, and a few pieces of gold jewelry.

His words are as sweet as honey and all you can do is lean into his lips again. You grip the back of his neck in both hands, and press further down into his lap, knowing exactly what you are doing to him.

“Fuck” Luke says loudly in response to your movements and you are reminded of the not-so-empty house you are in.

And before you can even say anything you hear the sound of footsteps coming from the hallway.

“Luke? Are you home?” Jack calls out as he is making his way towards lukes bedroom.

Luke is pulled away from his current state and looks at you confused, unaware that jack was even home.

“Hey Lukey?” Jack repeats and he knocks once before opening the door without any hesitation, you and Luke both scrambling to cover your naked body.

“OUT!” Luke says as the door is swung wide open, Jack standing confused on the other side before he scans the room and his eyes are met with the sight of you half covered up, sitting on Lukes lap. 

The shock on his face is extremely evident as he recognizes what he just walked in on. 

The door slams instantaneously and you hear cursing coming from the hallway as Jack begins to walk away.

The pure embarrassment of the situation sends you into a complete laughing fit.

You look over to your boyfriend and see as he clearly does not find these even slightly as hilarious as you do.

“Luke. cmon, its funny.” you grab his face in your hand and playfully squeeze his cheeks, trying to get him to smile. But he is not having it.

“It isnt funny. Fuck. Im so sorry. i didnt even know he was here. I didnt mean to embarrass you like that…I- do you think he saw anything??” luke says, concerned for only you.

He is suddenly up from the bed and going through his dresser, trying to find you a tshirt of his to put on.

“Luke! It is ok. Im sure he didnt even see anything. And if he did then whatever, we’ll both forget about it just like any other embarrassing moment ever.” you say trying to reassure your clearly stressed boyfriend.

“Doubt he'll forget…” he says half-sarcastically. And now you can tell he is finding this just a little funny.

“STOP!” you say throwing a pillow at him and watch as he tosses you a shirt in return.

“Im gonna go check on him. I dont want him to be spiraling into a panic or soemthing in the other room…” Luke says, shaking his head jokingly and you just chuckle in response. 

“Good luck!” you call out to him as he leaves the room and you quickly get up from the bed, putting on his umich tshirt he tossed you and heading for the bathroom. 

After hearing what sounds like Trevor laughing his ass off, non stop swearing, and basically a 12 year old boy sounding argument from the kitchen, you decide to leave lukes bedroom.

“Just warn me goddamnit! This was actually so preventable you asshole!” Jack yells back at Luke as you walk into the kitchn to see the two brothers arguing across the kitchen island at each other. 

You look around and accidentally make eye contact with Jack and he looks away immediately. You then look over to see Trevor, who is sitting down and eating a bowl of cereal with a massive smirk on his face, clearly enjoying this a little too much.

“YOU DIDNT EVEN GIVE ME A CHANCE TO FUCKIN SAY ANYTHING BEFORE YOU BUSTED THE DOOR OPEN!” Luke yells back, causing trevor to lose his mind yet again. he looks at jack, you, then back at jack and begins dying of laughter.

You make your way over to stand beside Luke and he glances at you and back to his brother, and his demeanor changes a bit.

“How bout we talk about this later.” Luke says after he is made aware of your presence and Jack just shakes his head in disbelief.

“How about we talk about it now?” you say butting in and you grab onto lukes arm, looking up at him expectantly.

“Shouldnt I be apart of this conversation? I was there too after all..” you add and watch as trevor nods his head, and Jack continues to avoid eye contact with you.

“Thats true” trevor says as he points his spoon at you, acknowledging that you are making a good point.

Luke takes a step closer to you, wrapping his arm around your waist and places a kiss on your head.

“Fine.” Luke says and waits for Jacks response.

Jack just looks between the three of you and scoffs as he brings his hands together with a clap.

“Wellp. Im feeling like you are all not on my side right now. But i still strongly believe this was lukes fault and not mine… Just saying.” Jack speaks, and raises both of his hands in defeat.

“How the fuck is this MY fault?” Luke retorts and is about to continue before you butt in.

“Ok! Ok! Guys! You both could go back adn forth about this all day! God!” you state frustratedly.

“Ok! How bout next time, Jack: just wait for a response before opening Lukes bedroom door to save both of your asses. And Luke: make sure you know exactly when Jack is coming home so that your door is locked, you idiot.” you say in the most mediating tone you can muster up.

“Sound good??” you finish and watch as the boys just glance annoyedly at each other.

“Ok.” Luke says first, reluctantly.

“Fine.” Jack adds immediately after.

“Amazing! Now im gonna go shower and forget about this whole ordeal.” you say walking away, not wanting to stick around for the awkward silences that are about to follow this conversation.

-

About ten minutes into your shower you hear a knock on the bathroom door,

“Its me baby” Luke calls as he opens the door a crack.

“Oh come in lukey” you say as you are finishing up washing your body.

“Sorry about that whole - thing.” he says regretfully, knowing he is better off apologizing rather than rehashing everything.

You turn the water off and step out of the shower, grabbing a towel before making your way towards him.

“Its ok baby” you say softly and place a loving kiss to his lips and then another one on the tip of his nose, something you always did to show innocent affection.

“And honestly? Its kinda my fault..but please don't be mad!” you say warily and Luke just tilts his head in confusion.

“I may have heard voices coming from the living room when you got up to shower. But i completely forget to tell you that before we- the whole…ya know..” you say as sweetly as you can, and Luke immediately begins squinting his eyes at you in frustration.

He lets out a playful scoff and you just smile back at him, trying your best to win him over.

“But hey! Weve all learned our lesson here right?!” you add before Luke can even respond and he just shakes his head at you and walks out of the bathroom.

“I love you Luke!” you voice out to him and hear a quiet ‘i lu le lu’ come from behind you, the sound of him mocking you while he continues walking away.

You stomp over to him and grab his arm, turning him around to face you and he immediately caves after seeing the disapproval plastered on your face. Knowing you are gonna get him for that. 

“IM KIDDING IM KIDDING. I love you i love you i love you” he says, and rapidly begins kissing you all over your face and neck, desperately trying everything he can to earn your forgiveness.

He brings you into a tight hug, your face squishing against his chest and bicep as he continues placing tiny kisses atop the crown of your head, and you just giggle under his touch in response.

-

-

[d10nsaint]

FROM EDEN.

-> Kim Dokja & Cale Henituse with a reincarnated! reader

saintspeaks;“I SLITHERED HERE FROM EDEN JUST TO SIT OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR”-Hozier. JAIDJSKADJ I LOVE THIS SONF OMFG. Also, the ‘you’ in the Kim Dokja x reader only read twsa, but the ‘you’ in the Cale x reader read tcf.

Kim Dokja

A reader of TWSA is all you were — well, one of the two committed readers. You werent supposed to read it, in fact, you stumbled apon it on a sad friday night. But when you met Kim Dokja, the lone reader, you realized why you were never supposed to touch that story.

You’d only survived this far because you binge-read the chapters, and had your handy phone with a save file of the story!

You were living quite comfortably in the apocalypse, traveling alone because you couldnt commit to a group. You knew that the moment that danger came towards you and the group you’d abandon them, so traveling alone was the best option.

Until you were traveling in the underground subway and came across Yoo Junghyuk— the main character himself.

The only thing that happened between you two was a harsh glare met with ice-cold eyes in response.

The only thing that you were thinking was, ‘you dont scare me, bitch.’

And he just stormed off.

You hadnt thought much of the encounter—in fact, you never wanted to meet him again. But, of course, fate just had to have you two cross paths again. But, this time he had a companion with him.

And lord, was he the most handsome man you’d ever seen— even though you could barely make out his facial features.

But he’d never been in the novel. An he seemed just as surprised by your appearance too — because you didn’t have a sponsor, and you’re too strong and seem too knowledgeable for an average person.

The idea of you being the other reader lingers in his mind— but he quickly dismissed the thought as he kept walking past you, following Yoo Junghyuk.

Cale Henituse

You were a normal girl who reincarnated into a noble Lady from a small kingdom in the Western Continent. Since you reincarnated into such a small kingdom, you had no reason to change the story unless it came charging at you.

…and it did.

You visited Lady Amiru in the Ubarr territory.(bad idea number 1)

The moment you started talking to her about using a boat to sail at night, a wolf-looking guy came charging at you, screaming about smelling ‘strong’. You’d never done any training or fighting, and only acted like how a normal noble lady should in these kinds of stories. But, you realized he wasnt looking at you, but behind you. And guess who was behind you?

Cale Henituse—who was hiding behind a rock????

You’d recently been reincarnated so you didnt know much, but what you did know was that some things had changed. One of those things? Cale Himself.

You avoided the Henituse house like the plague— if you got too close to Cale, you’d get tangled up in the story, and you couldnt have that. Excusing yourself the moment you saw the fiery red hair, you ran off of the sandy beach to the room lady Amiru let you use during your stay.

Cale was extremely confused—who the hell were you? why were you here? did you know about the ancient powers? Why did you need a boat?

He let out a deep sigh, wondering why he just keeps walking into trouble—he could just feel you being another wall between him and his slacker life.

[quitealotofsodapop]

Between Azure and Wukong... I think he did manipulate Wukong into taking the fall for them when their initial attempt to overthrow the Jade Emperor failed, similar to how he had manipulated MK into freeing the other members of the Camel Ridge trio. The difference, I believe, is that with Wukong, he had done so unknowingly. He truly had admired, possibly even loved, Wukong... but he'd done so in the most toxic way possible, and when Wukong was young and at his most arrogant, making him easy prey to fall for it. And I think the entirety of the odea to overthrow the Emperor was Azure, tbat maybe the Havoc Wukong had caused may have unintentionally opened the door for them to rally behind, but the truth of the matter was that Wukong was jsut lashing out and hadnt actually intended or wanted to start a rebellion. I think Azure put the idea into his head, or rather, put it into everyone's head and then just elected Wukong as leader after hearing the story, leaving him the perfect scapegoat for when the plan went south.

And Wukong KNOWS he was manipulated into it. He knows it and wants to protect MK from this. When he spots Azure, he IMMEDIATELY pushes himself to the front to block his view of MK and Mei. He was at the back of the group but pushed himself in front to block Azure's access to the two youngest members of his new family. I don't think he's entirely aware that it wasn't intentional, but I'm certain Wukong is self aware enough to realize who it was who wanted the Jade Emperor's throne and who was it that got pulled around like a puppet and then had hsi strings cut the moment he couldn't live up to his puppeteer's expectations

Huehuehuehue

My buddy @a-tea-goblin has done some amazing posts on why Wukong despises Azure specifically for what he did to him, even if the lion isn't aware of it.

This shot in particular I think sums up Azure Lion's motives;

Azure pretty much put Wukong on a pedestal. A powerful demon king with loyal subjects. Someone able to go toe to toe with the gods. Thats what Azure, Peng, and Yellow Tusk saw. To make someone an idol is to unknowningly dehumanize them.

Wuong is someone that DBK calls their "youngest worthy brother/xiandi" in JTTW. Someone who became king of his people when he was barely a cub. Someone who is clearly not mature enough to rule the Universe. People like DBK and Macaque were able to see this side of Sun Wukong that the others couldn't.

Azure used Wukong's immaturity to head the charge when even his own brothers saw him as "the Leader", because he was trying to defer punishment that would have befallen him if they had failed.

For Azure, it was easier to say that Wukong "betrayed" his brothers when he was captured by Erlang (and Furnace'd) + forced to surrender to the Buddha, rather than admit that he allowed their youngest brother take the blame.

And it was easier to think that Wukong had "become a warrior for the oppressors" than admit that the monkey was on religious probation. And ofc dodge the tiny detail that Camel Ridge stripped the dao of it's surroundings into a desert + in the novel was actively hunting and eating humans and sapient animal spirits. Macaque gained his reputation as a "coward" not because he ducked out at the sign of danger, but because like Wukong - Macaque cared for his own people and not for some Demon Las Vegas like the other Three.

even Macaque points this out in the S4 special

MK: "I thought he wanted to help people. He said he wanted to be the hero." Macaque: "I'm sure he does. Everyone thinks they're the hero of their own story. Azure's always been good at convincing people he's the good guy. He's even fooled himself."

Ultimately I think Azure's greatest sin is Inaction/Refusal to take blame. Even when he was at peak power in Heaven, he said nothing about the divide between the celestials and mortals. Azure doesn't want to admit that he was no more than a celestial agent who jumped straight to rebellion instead of reform. Someone willing to fight but die for their cause.

Which the lion attempts once again when he manipulates MK into rescuing his old brothers from the Scroll. Azure literally sees Wukong within MK, and by seeing the full of how much alike MK & Wukong are; he panics and almost cuts him down.

Because Azure saw the "old" Wukong in MK, and when he saw the "new" that he had encountered back during th Journey - he knew his attempt to make MK the new rebellion's idol had failed.

Think about it. Why did he only show MK his memories and not his allies? Because someone more emotionally mature like Pigsy or Sandy would have immediately clocked on that Azure was full of it and called him out.

Azure, describing Camel Ridge: "But the celestial realm did not abide competit-" Tang, interupting with his copy of JTTW: "Didn't you guys eat people!? Alolai was a paradise because it was full of peaceful non-people-eating monkeys!" Pigsy, furious: "That is it! Stay the Diyu away from my kid!" *whacks Azure with the Jade-Toothed Rake*

Even if Azure doesn't realise that he's doing this conciously, he still manipulated Wukong and attempts the same on his successor. Whilst LBD sought out a new world order by erasing the past, Azure does so by repeating the steps of his past failure.

And we see that when Azure does become a true leader when he takes the celestial throne, his decaying mind defaults to accusing his remaining comrades of treachery and Wukong of poisoning his mind when it is his own refusal to admit that he's in way over his head.

And of course, it is only when Azure is defeated and being ripped apart by the Emperor's power does he recognise all of this...

[gwiyeounsonyeon]

Growing Pains CH4 (MWC 10, 11, 12!)

Pairing: RE2 Leon Kennedy x Male(Intended) Reader Summary: College AU! Your day is shit but Leon's there to take you out. Words: 3,004/200 Warnings: reader's overstimulated Notes: this chapter was originally supposed to be longer but the first draft sucked so i rewrote everything

Navigation | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5

☁︎⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

For the entirety of your Sunday morning shift Leon had lingered in a mostly empty corner of the cafe, he sat up at a single-person table with a laptop out, pretending poorly to be hard at work. He looked around the store often and constantly checked the time, obviously very impatient for the day to be finished and so excited he was practically vibrating the store from how hard he was bouncing his knee. You knew he didn't mean to cause you any stress but his very naive puppy-like act pinched some nerves you didn't know you had–or maybe you were just having a bad day. With your head buried deep up in the clouds, you hadnt realized that you fucked up two orders in a row until the customers had come up to angrily complain at you, glaring nastily as you apologized and made them each their correct order and gave it to them for free. Apologizing had left a sour taste in your mouth that grew as you poured the coffee down the drain and tossed the cups into the trash, you had absolutely no idea why you were getting so worked up over something you’ve done a handful of times. 

You barely made it through your next customer without blowing up in their face and as soon as they left you step back from the register and start untying your apron as you head to the back, “I’m goin’ on break.” You don't mean to sound as rough as you did and you don't notice the worried looks Claire and Leon throw your way. You don't pay any attention to her as Claire follows you into the break room and you try to keep the silence between you by pretending like you dont notice her standing in the doorway with her arms crossed, “There’s something wrong with you today.” It's kind of funny, the way she says it and any normal person would take offense but you’ve known Claire for nearly her whole freshman year, so it's a lot easier to tell the difference between her being flat out rude and her just caring too much to baby you. “That so?” You don't look up from your hands, idly shuffling things around and pretending to look busy so she’d hopefully leave. “If you won’t tell me what’s wrong, then you can just go home.” Your brows furrow and you glance up at her confused, “I have an hour left, why would I do that?” She shrugs and lets her hands fall down by her sides, “I dunno…” You instantly recognise the insecure tone in her voice and pull your hands from your locker so you can stand up fully, “I’m just… worried, you’re acting weird.” Your demeanor softens, a weight settles in your stomach as your shoulders drop, you hadn't realized that she’d picked up on your unreasonably sour mood and the fact that it made her upset without you knowing only makes that weight heavier. “I-.” You start to apologize but she cuts you off by shaking her head, “Just…” She struggles to find the right words and looks off to the side, her eyes drifting to the corner of the room, “You don’t have to bottle it up… You’re not alone anymore.” Her words hit you like a bullet straight to the chest, a lump forms in your throat as you remember what you had gone through when you first met Clair. 

It was bad and the knowledge that she noticed and remembered something like that gets your eyes burning, but you swallow the lump in your throat and blink the tears out of your wet eyes as you nod awkwardly, “Yeah. Yeah, I know.” She goes to say something else, her hand reaching out to you but someone rings the bell at the counter and she pauses for a second and looks over at the door, she looks back at you like she’s going to apologize but whoever is at the counter rings the bell again and then keeps ringing it impatiently. She breaks for the front, only slowing down as she rounds the corner and into the dining area to take the customers order. Once she's gone you’re left in relative silence, you sit on a hard plastic chair and lean back, your mind wondering to Clair and how lucky you must’ve been to have met her. Your thoughts keep running as you think about what kind of life she’d lead after college and if she would still be friends with you, or if she’d still be friends with Luis, or Leon. For some reason your thoughts get stuck on Leon, you wonder about his life, his major, what his grades are like but those thoughts are only brief, your brain taking you down a different train of thought. 

You stare off into space as you fidget with your phone, your thoughts unhelpfully reminding you of how flawed you are and how perfect leon seems in comparison to you, you hadn’t realized you started crying until a tear lands on your phone. The interruption pulls you out of your self-deprecating spiral and back into the present moment, you wipe your face quickly and stand to go to the bathroom before Claire or someone else spots you. You lock the bathroom door and lean over the sink, avoiding looking in the mirror, you know your hair is messy, you know you have dark bags under your eyes but you know that looking at yourself will only send you back into your earlier spiral. You scrub your weary face with cold water and pat it down before fixing yourself the best you can and heading out back to the dining area. It got busy fast, you hurriedly tie on your apron to help the next customers in Claire’s long line, a decent chunk of them migrating over to stand in front of your register. 

You’re too busy to notice the grateful look she gives and definitely too busy to notice how Leon’s stopped pretending to work and is now just blatantly staring at you. With the two of you working you get through the wave of customers until there’s only a few stragglers left and a few familiar faces, Luis leans against the counter by Claire looking painfully tired and they chat idly as she makes him his drink, Leon naturally migrating over to the two of his closest friends. You aren't given any time to engage or listen to what their talking about as a brick wall settles in front of you, you look up at the Tyrant, who, after being added to the group chat with everyone including Luis and some girl named Ashley who you’ve never met in person, you learned that the Tyrants real name was Mr. X. you also learned, after a lot of teasing and jokes, that no one knew Mr. X’s full last name nor his first name. “Hi. Welcome to-.” He interrupts you with a wave of his hand and a scoff, “If you can’t remember something as simple as my order then why the hell do you work here?” You will yourself not to gawk, the gall of this guy. You fix your smile that had dropped slightly and tap his order into the register a tiny bit passive-aggressively, “Of course I remember your order, it’s just customary that I-.” He cuts you off again, “I don’t care about the customs of a coffee shop run by children,” He casts a nasty look over at Clair and you have to bite your tongue to stop yourself from getting fired or sued. “Just shut your mouth and make my damn drink.” Your head aches, a dull pounding settles just behind your eyes and you turn around to make his coffee, just wanting to get his order finished so he can leave. 

As you’re putting a fresh pot of coffee on to boil you see the teacher turn to Leon and Claire to ask them how they’re preparing for exams. Claire’s normal strong defiant demeanor falters and Leon just looks scared shitless, he doesn’t attempt to say anything but he doesn't have to as Claire’s already opening her mouth to tell him they had a study group. The coffee is pretty much finished so you turn back to making his drink, keeping their conversation within earshot, something about this guy made the hair on the back of your neck stand on end. Once you finish you place the lid on his cup, not bothering to snap it on correctly but he doesn't seem to notice as you hand it over, “Please be careful, our lids haven't been fitting right.” He rolls his eyes at you and tosses down the exact amount and not a cent more. When Mr. X passes Leon on his way out he glares down at him, a frown tugs at your lips as you watch Leon's face twist anxiously. 

When he's out of the shop and the door is shut firmly behind him you hear the trio collectively let out a big breath, you mull over your conversation with him in your head while you shut the drawer and lean your elbows on the counter, your eyes straying out the window just in time to see Mr. X run into a trio of freshmen and spill coffee all down the front of his coat. Before you realize what you’re doing, your arm grows a mind of its own and you knock your fist against Luis’ shoulder, he looks over at you and you point out the window where Mr. X is throwing a temper tantrum about the coffee spilt on his ugly ass coat. Luis snorts, then chokes on his coffee, doubling over in a coughing fit. He nearly misses the counter when he tries to set his cup down but you catch it just in time, using his free hand to point out the window, Claire barks out a loud laugh as she slaps Luis on the back. Your eyes flit over to Leon just in time to see the tension flood out of his shoulders and a small smile tug at the corners of his lips, he senses your gaze on him and he looks over. 

As you make eye contact, butterflies fill your stomach uncomfortably and your face starts to feel hot, you turn back to the register and pretend to look busy as the freshmen wander in, giggling to themselves. You miss the way Leon brightens up but you hear his excited voice loud and clear; “Hey Ashley.” Your head snaps over to them when you hear that name and you look over to see a pretty looking blonde amongst two brunette girls that are leant in close to each other whispering about something and a ravenette who doesn't look like she wants to be here. The ravenette comes up to the counter first, rolling her eyes at her friends as she passes, she looks at the menu for a while as you watch the very friendly interaction between Ashley and Leon with a bitter feeling rising in your throat. The girl in front of you clears her throat and rattles off her order, you tap it into the register while trying to listen in on what Leon’s talking about but it quickly gets very complicated as the girl starts listing off the different types of ingredients and things she wants added to her food. “I’ll go make that.” Claire sing-songs and snatches the note from your hands while she walks to the kitchen Luis trailing after her, you make the ravenette’s drink and tune back into Leon’s disturbing conversation about how Mr. X is very biased and rude, going so far as to give Leon false bad grades. 

“Why haven't you reported him?” As soon as it comes out of your mouth everyone goes quiet, clearly scared of the guy. Leon shrugs and plays with his fingers, “He's scary…” You roll your eyes and toss a crumpled receipt at him, “And he’s going to keep being scary if no one does anything about it.” He watches the receipt bounce off his shoulder and roll onto the counter, he pokes it and then unfolds the paper, fidgeting with it to try to get it completely flat. You watch him as Ashley speaks up, “It's not that easy, i’ve heard that the whole staff is scared of him and that's why he’s still allowed to work here.” She speaks with wide eyes, her two brunette friends nod enthusiastically as the other girl rolls her eyes. “And you believe them? Have you not met the Chancellor?” you say, your gaze flickering back to leon as he doodles on the receipt with a sharpie, your heart squeezes at how cute he it but as soon as that thought passes through your head you force your eyes away, glancing up in time to see Ashley cock her head slightly, “No, who’s the chancellor?” You nod while pulling out your phone to google Albert Wesker, you click on the first picture and show her, the brunette girls leaning in to see too. “Oh, I know him. He comes to the store my dad works at.” When she says that Leon looks up trying to see the picture on your phone, you tilt the screen over to him and he furrows his brows, “He looks familiar, i think…” Ashley must have realized something as she suddenly gets really enthusiastic, she taps Leon's shoulder rapidly until he looks up. 

“He’s the guy that donated all that money to my dad, the one we saw at the party.” Your brows raise at what she said and the unpleasant feeling stirs in your gut again, rising up into your throat like bile. Claire comes back with the black haired girls food and the other girls drift over to her to get their orders in too, once they have the shortest one waves Ashley over to order. “Why’d your dad need money?” You look over at her as she shrugs “I never asked, I just assumed it was for his business…” You’re even more confused, “Business?” The taller brunette girl nods, “Yeah, Ashley’s dad works for a really big tech business. He’s like, really rich.” You nod slowly and look over to Ashley for confirmation but before she can get a word in, the shorter girl pipes in, “Its called DSO but no one knows what it stands for but it's on everyone’s phones, see?” She holds out her phone and sure enough on the back near the bottom left hand corner were the letters DSO. You’d seen a few buildings with those letters before but you’d always assumed it was for something else, not tech stores. “Mine doesn’t.” You don’t pull out your phone but it doesn't seem to matter, both of the brown haired girls look at you weirdly and then at each other, you roll your eyes and shake your head while walking back to your register to see the time, there's about thirty minutes left until it's time for you and Claire to close. 

You busy yourself with wiping down the counter as Claire makes the rest of the girls’ drinks, they thank her and pay before leaving. You watch out of the corner of your eye as Leon and Ashley hug before she leaves to catch up with her friends. You frown down at the counter as you clean it off, “What's got you down, Hermano?” You’re embarrassed at the yelp you let out when Luis sneaks up behind you and sets his hands on your waist. He laughs and pulls his hands off to stand next to you while leaning on the counter, “Where the fuck did you come from?” You slap his arm lightly, your other hand pressed over your fast beating heart. “I went to the bathroom.” He shrugs casually, like he hadn't just tried to kill you. 

You furrow your brows and push him into the direction of the door, “Get out, we’re trying to close.” He holds his hands up in mock surrender as he turns to walk out the door, Leon trailing behind him like a lost puppy. They wait and chat idly by Leons bike as you and Claire close, once everything is done and in order she heads out of the shop first ticking her tips into her pocket as you reset the alarm then lock the door behind you. Claire waves you and Leon goodbye as her and Luis walk in the direction of campus, both of them having classes all afternoon. Leon clears his throat nervously from behind you, he’s holding onto the handlebars of his bike, ready to go. “Where are we going?” You stuff your keys back into your pocket as his cheeks turn red, “Oh uh… I haven't… actually gotten that far… yet…” He explains lamely while scratching the back of his neck, Your heart skips in your chest and you purse your lips trying to fight off the sudden urge to lean in and kiss him. 

“Hm…” You hum thoughtfully and pull your bottom lip into your mouth to chew on it as you think. All you really want to do is go home and relax but you also don't want to leave Leon, the longer you’re around him the more addicting it gets to be around him. “What about a movie?” He perks up and nods, following you when you start heading in the direction of the theater, “What’s even on?” You yawn and stretch your arms over your head, your body feeling stiff, “There's a zombie movie playing.” You see him look over at you from the corner of your eye, you give a thoughtful nod not really thinking about it, all you want to do is sit down and maybe sleep. “What’s it about?” He pauses to think, “I think it's about a cop but that's all I remember seeing about it.”

☁︎⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

[skyechild]

practice makes perfect...

for: @jcsontodd

𖤐 pairing: San x GN!reader

𖤐 genre: smut and fluff its...basically just smut, its only fluff if you squint

𖤐 warnings/kinks: breath play, only oral (m receiving)

𖤐 wc: 1.4k

𖤐 notes: screams...lmao. this has been in my drafts for over a year, going on two tbh...uhm....nothing else really? i think i gotta make a tag list tbh

𖤐 summary: It started innocently, your head resting on San’s lap and it ended not so innocently. his dick in your mouth was the opposite of how you thought the night was going to end.

𖤐 network tags: @cultofdionysusnet​

Your head had been resting on his lap, his fingers sliding through your hair as you both watched the movie he had played on the TV. It had been a few months since you last saw your boyfriend so you hadnt been focusing on the movie as much he was. Your head was facing his stomach but your eyes were admiring his face. From his jawline to the hair that was growing and was covering his eyes faintly.

His hand stopped stroking your hair only to tangle into it with his thumbs stroking along your temple, the corner of his lips twitching. “Its hard to focus on a movie with you staring at me.” He murmured teasingly, eyes drifting to meet yours, brow raised.

“I missed you, what do you expect?” You reached for his free hand, holding it against your chest and smiling softly at him. “I missed you too baby.” His eyes softened as he took in the expression on your face. “I didnt get to see your for a few months, i wasnt graced with this beauty in person.” You murmured lightly as you watched his lips pull into a grin. dimples making an appearance as his smile go wider.

“I havent seen those in person in a while baby.” He chuckled and shifted both of you so he could drop a kiss on your nose. “Well i didnt get to see your face at all either, only through a screen.” You nodded, pouting teasingly as he pulled away. 

“Y’know i also missed something else, almost as much as i missed you.” He rose a brow. “Oh really?” He trailed and you nodded as you shuffled closer, pressing your face straight against the strings of his sweatpants and closing your eyes as your felt his thigh twitch in slight surprise. His hand moved to your waist. “I see.” 

He chuckled before he shifted his hips forward and more into your face. “Go for it angel.” You smiled against his cock at the approval. “Thank you Sanie.” You whispered before his hand settled better on the back of your head, tightening slightly. A quiet sign for you to hurry up. The growing hardness aganst your cheek making you sigh. “Of course.” You replied, almost sarcastic, almost forgetting how needy San could be, especially if it was his dick getting sucked.

You adjusted on the couch so San could lean against the arm of the couch as he let you lay between his legs, hand never leaving the back of your head. Laying on your stomach as you tugged his sweatpants down as he lifted his hips, just enough to get them down. “I love it when you dont wear underwear when you wear sweats.” You murmur as he squirms at the breath fanning across his dick once he relaxed.

San pursed his lips once your hand wrapped around his cock, tongue swiping across your lips before licking a strip of the vein under his cock, relishing in the sigh of pleasure that leaves San’s mouth. Your eyes flicker up and your breath hitches. San looks like a work of art and you have barely done anything. His head is tilted back, eyes shut and his mouth slightly open. “Dont cum right away San, i know its been a while but hold out for me baby.” You mumbled, the vibration shooting down his cock.

“Stop teasing then.” He huffs before using his hand to nudge your head closer. You smile, chuckling lightly before your mouth opens, your tongue brushing against the underside of the head of his cock. He huffed before his mouth fell the slightest bit more open as the head of his cock slipped further into your mouth.

 You closed your eyes, relaxing your jaw and throat as he pressed down more, hips on his hips to prevent his hips from jerking as you pressed your nose against the skin of his pelvis, the skin of his cock tickling the back of you throat. Exhaling through your nose you lifted back up, only Sans hand on the back of your head, preventing you from moving. 

You looked back up at him and his head had fallen back, a low drawn out moan leaving his lips as he took in the wet warmth of your mouth. The tears made your vision a bit blurry and you removed a hand to wipe them away quickly. “Let me fuck your throat. Please baby?” He whined and you took his hand off your head as you pulled off him. 

“Since you used your manners, sure. I’ll even tell you a secret. Ive been using the dildo you got me for when you were gone, ive been deepthroating it, trying to pretend it was you. It lacked the warmth and the twitching.” You watched as his eyes snapped open, eyes locking onto your face as if looking for a lie. The corner of your lips quirked up into a smirk as he gaped. You sat up, leaning over to peck his lips.

“Youre unreal, my love. “ You smiled softly at his words as he pecked your lips back a few times. When you had gotten back onto your stomach his cock was already leaking onto his stomach. You giggled softly as he gathered your hair into his hand, pushing you back towards his cock, mockingly raising a brow. You rolled your eyes before taking him back into your mouth, jaw staying slack and throat relaxed.

He gave an experimental thrust of his hips, grunting when you didnt choke. “Such a good kitty, taking my cock like a pro.” He murmured. San always got more vocal when he had command over your body. He jerked his hips a few more times, making sure you were relaxed around him, your hands resting on his inner thighs, digging your nails into his skin. “Fuck, so good for me.” 

He moved his free hand down to tap your nose. “Ready?” You took a deep inhale through your nose before tapping his left leg as a yes. His fingers pinched your nose shut as his other hand kept your head down on him. You throat constricted against him, your eyes squeezing shut as tears formed. Your vision was blurring and you were about to tap out when he pulled you up and off his cock, releasing your nose at the same time. 

“You ok?” You nodded and he tapped your chin. “Words.” You cleared your throat. “Im...good.” Your voice was week and cracked over the words as he nodded, grabbing the water you had taken from the fridge as you guys got the movie set up. Handing it to you he jerked his head. “Drink.” You nodded, eyes locked on his as he stroked the side of your neck, humming. “Im close baby, one more time.”

You nodded, putting the water back and getting back onto your stomach and clearing your throat before taking him back inside, bobbing your head a few times before he pushed your head back down, groaning as he rolled his hips, jerking his hips up quickly, fucking your throat as he felt himself getting closer. “So close, please...” Neither of you knew what he was asking for but once he tapped your nose you hummed and he hissed at the vibration against his cock. He pinched your nose shut, thrusting into your mouth a few times before he shoved you down, holding you against his pelvis as he spilled into your mouth.

Tapping his right thigh quickly he released your nose and pulled you off of him. “God.” He watched you closely. “Dont swallow all of it.” He held your throat in his grasp, watching you. You nodded, only swallowing a bit before you leaned over him more, opening your mouth to let the cum drop from your mouth into his before crashing your lips together. 

Once you pulled away he swallowed and you settled on his stomach, smiling down at him. “Let me help you.” He shook his head, gripping your hips to push you off. “No, this was about you San.” He pouted. He never liked not getting you to cum. Especially if he had the chance to use his mouth. You tapped his nose. “I wanted to treat you today. Maybe later you can return it.” He huffed but nodded, holding you close to his chest as you laid ontop of him. “I love you San.” He hummed against your cheek. “I love you more Y/n.”

[arson-09]

Acowar Review✨✨ sjm needs to pay for my therapy✨✨

Its not as infuriating as acomaf but its still… bad.

Point 1: the court of ignorance and dumbassery

Lets cut to the chase. why the FUCK didnt feyre read Tamlin and Luciens minds at ANYPOINT while she was doin her hot girl shit of taking the spring court down??? huh sjm??? why is your fmc only powerful when convenient. So much could have been cut down. Acowar was way too long.

The whole destroying of the spring court didnt even make that much sense. Im all for a girlie getting back at the people who wronged her but feyre ended up hurting a lot of innocent people in the process. Feyre even tries to ignore the consequences of her actions. She had to invade peoples minds and manipulate people to get them to turn against tamlin and all this could have been avoided if she read his damn mind and learned he was a double agent. Lucien even hinted towards it

Part One: Princess of Carrion »

Chapter Six

None. It was either go to war with the Night Court and Hybern, or ally with Hybern, let them try to stir up trouble, and then use that alliance to our own advantage further down the road." "What do you mean," I breathed. But Lucien realized what he'd said, and hedged, "We have enemies in every court. Having Hybern's alliance will make them think twice." Liar. Trained, clever liar.

If feyre is supposed to be so smart, and she did pick up on this, why didnt she do anything? This is so frustrating.

Then once she leaves the spring court i found myself frankly not caring. Acomaf hadnt given me enough to care about the inner circle so i didnt and sjm cant make me like rhysand. which i have so many gripes but for word counts sake let me name my main ones

Point 2: Sarah Janet Maas and her shitty love interests

the ignoring rhysand sexual assault of feyre and EXCUSING it and his little habit of not telling his court things

Part Two: Cursebreaker »

Chapter Twelve

Was it going on before you even left?" I whipped my head to him, even if I could barely make out his features in the dark. "I never touched Rhysand like that until months later." "You kissed Under the Mountain." "I had as little choice in that as I did in the dancing." "And yet this is the male you now love." He didn't know-he had no inkling of the personal history, the secrets, that had opened my heart to the High Lord of the Night Court. They were not my stories to tell

here we have sjm acknowledging that yeah, rhysand Sexually Assaulted Feyre UtM in Acotar. Without her consent he dressed her inappropriately (which she was uncomfortable with) had her dance provocatively in his lap, kissed her, and made her drink alcohol so she wouldn't remember the details all without her consent. Yet Sjm is going “its fine” now and feyre herself going “you just dont get it…” ⁉️⁉️⁉️

Now see if sjm actually planned for rhysand to become the love interest why didnt she just avoid all this by having Amarantha make rhysand do this to feyre? Because that would have solved some issues but no. Because Rhysand did all this of his own free will in acotar. He actively chose to do this to feyre. To humiliate her and anger Tamlin because rhysand is obsessed with Tamlin.

Rhysand also loves to not tell his own court things. I was and still am very angry over him not telling Mor, Azriel, Cassien and at the very least his Wife about his plan with the court of nightmares. Just why.

Mors anger towards Nesta also makes no sense. sjm stop writing girl on girl hate challenge impossible

Point three: That one toy story scene “I dont wanna play with you anymore!”

Now tamlin. Tamlin tamlin tamlin im so sorry love for what sjm has done to you. If i start ill never stop. What Tamlin said to feyre and rhysand at the high lords meeting was out of pocket but he also wasnt wrong about some things. Also from established character these actions make no sense and his actions havent made sense since acomaf because sjm threw him and his character away to play with shadow daddy and bad morals. But she also cant commit to making a character of hers actually evil so tamlin saves the whole day by bringing the autumn court to fight and saving rhysand life. Tamlin has redeemed himself by sjm standards but she then wrote the holiday novel which i have read and detested.

Overall the plot was fine. i guess. it probably looked better when compared to the characters.

Sjm learn to redeem characters outside of “ooh they were abused and have trauma so everything they do is okay” for guys and “she fell in love/had sex with the most PERFECT MALE TO EVER MASCULINE.” its boring and flat. Also i know what happens in Acosf (i will not be reading that ty) so wtf happened to Nesta bro. she got the tamlin treatment. boooo 👎

to end off heres some of my favorite highlights from acowar 50%+ thru the book.

[kindred-spirit-93]

EXAM HAS BEEN DELAYED!! till like sunday but still.

heres whats been in the works ft. the ocs that live in my head rent and royalty free. might post darkfic hilal content later tonight too >:)

Strangers in the night

he lied when he said he was going to the pharmacy. he had restocked bandages and antiseptic ages ago and probably wouldnt need to set foot in one for at least a decade to come. he just needed to breathe.

it had maybe started around dinner, a sudden feeling of suffocation like someone was holding a pillow to his face. and slight indigestion. armund had out done himself this time and he was quite proud. he didnt dare mention it lest he think he had somehow messed up.

excusing himself he grabbed something off the rack by the door and left without another word. he cursed himself for it afterwards due to the piercing cold and light fabric of his rain coat.

he hated lying to his dove, which was ironic because he couldnt recall a time he hadnt told him some sort of falsehood, so he took a path that lead to the pharmacy to get it off his conscious. it wasnt much, but it was the small things that seemed to matter the most. very annoying.

he took a long hard look at the neon lights, as if proving to himself that he had been completely honest and not at all lying to his son. nope, not at all. he was an upstanding citizen of which the nasty streets of these parts never saw. he frowned a little. he was a good person at heart. if i had one he thought glumly. have. had. was there a difference?

was it his fault he had become what he now was? tearing away his eyes from the lights he resumed his walk at a somewhat brisk pace. whatever had lodged itself in his throat earlier that evening was indeed remedied by the fresh air. it was quite sharp when he opened the door. better head back before i catch something a small voice in his head suggested unconvincingly.

his feet however didnt oblige and continued down a path less illuminated. luc didnt realise he had strayed away from the well lit street he was on until much later. his frown deepened. how did he get here? was i that deep in my head? looking around he didnt recognise where he was. the lack of lighting was unsetteling but not anything he wasnt used to.

the dark was an ally of his you see. in the shadows lurk all that we cannot, or wish not, to comprehend and face. it was quite poetic almost to think that his namesake was once a being of light, shunned to the dark. and the dark welcomed him. made him their leader. living under his reign of terror as beings of the night. night. night...

it was late. they had a late night dinner and it was late. worse it was new years eve and all sorts of shady people roam these streets looking for some weak creature to set their fangs in at the best of times, tonight drunken scuffles would break out and the last thing he needed was another gunshot anywhere on his being.

theo hated seeing him hurt he thought softly. he hadnt noticed the light rain that began to fall. he was too busy thinking of his little dove waiting for him at home. home. it was home was it not where one was with loved ones was it not? he blinked. had armund spiked the food with something? what was all this sentimentality? disgusting.

he was going soft at his old age he joked to himself, features easing as he recognised the familiar sign of a deli around the corner of his home. it could barely be called one if he was honest. nothing about it was cosy or inviting, save maybe the blankets he and theo would huddle underneath when he was younger. the corners of his mouth twitched this time and he allowed himself a small smile.

his throat threatened to close once more for mysterious reasons when he suddenly found himself face to face with the wet cobblestone of the road. he barely had a second to register what had happened before he heard bullets being fired. fuck.

just what he was missing on this fine evening. he never left the house without a knife on him, a small one he hid in a holster theo had drawn a flower on, but todays romantic stroll under the rain wasnt planned. for some reason he was unable to flip himself on his back. tasting iron he raised his head slightly and stared at the river of red pooling around him.

if it was the adrenaline, the blood loss, or something entirely different hed never know, but it took him embarassingly long to realise that no one had spilled wine on the pavement, and that in fact it was his own blood staining the ground beneath him. when he did manage to get himself back on his feet he was knocked back down though this time he was on his back. and if he didnt know better hed say a vampire had tackled him to the ground.

the clarity was slowly but surely returning to him. his left shoulder was now starting to burn and he could feel his blood vessels make up for their fallen brethren, and the feel of the cold hard ground beneath him was starting to get on his nerves. scowling at the figure hovering on top of him, he wriggled and tried to assess his situation. the call of his name, his birth name, made the air in his lungs momentarily leave. then the life force slowly seeping out of him crashed right back in and with a vengenace.

his neck snapped to glare at the stranger who fittingly winced under the hellish gaze of hell on earths leader. the fuckwad wasnt even pinning him down properly. what is wrong with people these days? had they no dignity? pulling himself out of his thoughts, he kicked the stranger in the groin with as much force as he could muster and lost no time pulling his knees to his chest and shoving him off while he gasped in shock and pain. the idiot then did nothing. nothing.

now on his knees, panting from the sudden burst of exertion, and slightly light headed, luc snapped of his necklace and pressed to the offenders neck. it was an inverted cross, metal but not sharp enough to do enough harm, but they didnt know that. he knew more than anyone that confidence was very convincing, what with his line of work. and he can be very persuasive.

he was now able to get a better look at his would be murderer or whatever if he wasnt such a fucking pathetic excuse of a human being. he wasnt even trying. he wasnt even trying. what the fuck?! in any case the fucker who had long dark hair wet with a mixture of sweat and rain was unnervingly still despite lucs hand being around his throat while the other was slowly digging with the cross into the pale flesh of his skin.

luc couldnt shake of the feeling that this was somehow familiar to him. the strangers face was facing away from him so he couldnt exactly make out his features, but he was clearly much taller and stronger than him; he was pinning him down with a knee pressed into his shoulder and the other squarely above his heart. he meant to ask who the fuck he was and what he wanted, the whole nine yards, but the words died in his throat. he knew he didnt have much left before his left arm gave out. he could avoid hypovolemia only so many times.

he pressed the metal further into the assailants neck to force himself to stay conscious till he drew blood. and then he chuckled. the audacity. luc would be lying if he said he wasnt starting to feel on edge. fuckass was laughing at him and his heart was pounding in his ears still. tonight wasnt going to end well.

"fuck you" was the only thing luc managed. short and sweet. he made sure to spit it with as much venom he could. and the dark haired stranger let out another chuckle.

"if you wanted me dead you would have killed me already. whats the hold up?" well he wasnt wrong he thought, seething. the faster he got rid of the dipshit the better, but he still didnt figure out who he was or how he knew his name. could this all be a very very badly times coencidence and nothing more? stranger things have happened.

his thoughts were ricocheting off of each other and his head was filling with useless shit. what the hell was wrong with him tonight? and the smirk. bastard. the smirk was making whatever blood still in his system boil. finally, what seemed to be an eternity later, tall dark and fucking incompetent craned his neck and turned to look at luc

"havent you recognised me yet old man?" dick. i still had no idea who he was, but my subconscious was starting to put 2 and 2 together.

"were the same age fuckass." any moment now i could feel it. on the tip of my tongue. come on. so close

"i wear it better." he grinned and something in my chest stopped, skipped a beat, and dropped all together. how? when? why? who?

lucs eyes widened, and the strangers grin broadened. "missed me?" he asked. the fucking nerve on this man was unreal. old habits die hard i suppose. good thing too. he could no longer keep his eyes open.

falling to the cold ground for the third time that same evening, luc never felt so ridiculous in his life. there was no fucking way in fucking hell his unspoken dying words were going to be the name of his ex.

frankly he couldnt come up with something more pathetic if he tried. if this was it he was going cursing him till his ears bled from the profanities. there was no gracious way to go about bleeding out in your exs arms. he was cornered. fuck.

despite everything he called out to him. barely above a whisper. the reply was somehow even quieter, but to his own ears it could be heard on the other side of the country.

"right here".

a last stupid thought crossed his mind. biting his lip luc muttered something that made titi snort and bonk his head with his own. smiling slightly, he knew hed be fine. he closed his eyes.

"thats what you said."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

heres a mercy doodle to make up for my atrocious everything <3

will picked her the flower :')

all rights reserved to @sunshines-child lol. serotonin is one hell of a drug lemme tell u

i got sidetracked like 17 times writing this. like it was supposed to be 2 paragraphs but my brain was like lol nope. gotta set the scene. jerk

also, not proofread. i have no idea if the tenses and pronouns make any sense. rip my last braincell. idk its whatever. for the wiggles :D

also also, this is not at all what i had in mind. purely off the top of my head. w i l d.

[emerxshiu]

rat brainrot going hard

sorry for not posting this week, i was cooking some stuff but this drawing took almost the entire week to do, worst part, it was a shitpost

i still dont know why this took me so much

so uh, almost all my drawings this week have been related to this two(and lis) so much so that i struggled because i wanted to draw other things so i would just stare at a blank sheet of paper for over half an hour, god that was torture, tho i dont mind drawing the sillies, sometimes it gets a bit boring drawing the same over and over y'know? im also going to take this as an opportunity to ramble about my forgo gijinka, because surprisingly i hadnt done that yet.

og image

ok now to actually talk about the wet rat

ive tried doing a gijinka of em since i joined the fandom (my first gijinka was fecto elfilis (well not really they were fnaf, but i mean when i got into kirby and when i started using the term gijinka))

but most of the time it just looked like elfilin but like...evil, with a different ear and a hospital gown, thats it, so i barely drew them since i didnt like that, but on february, i actually sketched an idea that i liked, and thought it looked cute but a bit off (i mean off in a good way)

(yes im posting this image again because i think its the best drawing of my forgo (im very inconsistent with my style ok))

they have their eyes closed most of time, like in game, i considered giving them legs but i ended up with the tail, since i didnt want to end up with like a fourth evil elfilin, the arms are like that so i can have em be small and weird like in the actual game, but i also made it so they can like change it, that way i can make em have hands and stuff if necessary (like to hold that frying pan for example)

not sure if a lot of you notice it but um, bro has no neck, i took away his neck privileges, i did it just to see but i ended up falling in love with that and stuck around, and also that allows me to draw them bending their head like in the drawing above because their neck isnt necking and i like that, i like being able to draw characters doing stuff that shouldnt be anatomically possible or is abnormal (i did something a bit similar with void) thair clothes are rugged because well forgotten land you know what i mean, but in general theyre actually pretty simple

i also did the drawing in digital

i tried doing very sketchy lineart, i tried a new brush in this one and thats the one im using for my last drawings (not sure if anyone noticed the brush change) it was pain painting it because i did it all with the brush in the same size, not changing it, god did my hands hurt and it was a bad idea

i accidentaly downloaded the following 3 drawings twice lol

sleepy zzzz

i think they would wear something like this to sleep, i dunno i just wanted to draw em in something cute, and sleepy, with elfilin slippers (the mug also has elfilin btw) oh and also i like changing their hair, here one of their long bangs is tied into a bow, kinda like callie from splatoon, i have some drawing im probably wont post, one more of forgo wich looks very much like the upper one but like eyes closed, and one of fecto elfilis gyaru because my sister asked me to draw them like that, bad thing is i didnt look up references on gyaru since i couldnt use my phone at the moment, i did like the hair i did for them in that one tho, they have their bangs tied up in a bun, and then left the rest loose, making it look longer than it actually is. i might redraw it, but actually looking up gyaru so i can make something more accurate, i like the style, but im not too informed on it

elfilin being silly like a kitty :p

not much more to say on this, just sillines :3

there is totally not a cropped drawing there

based on the kirby manga, where they make it so elfilis sings really bad, at first i didnt like it that much since i had imagined they'd sign great, but after i while i started to find it a bit cute so now its a headcanon, they like to sing but suck at it.

writing this just made me remember i wanted to do another drawing too for this with kirby and them singing, but i forgot to do it, im kinda tired (and its late) ill probably draw it, but for next post or another one

tried drawing fecto forgo as a plushie, silly.

i wanna learn how to sew so i can make plushies of characters (like prince fluf!) but im way too lazy, i will get around it some day! (hopefully)

elfilin too as a plush

i also wanna learn to sculpt, i tried doing a clay kirby once, but one his feet broke in half, and one day my mom put it in a box, and his eyes fell off and stuck to the box :(

i really wanna do figures for characters i like or dont have enough merch or my ocs (prince fluff, flamberge, fecto elfilis)

but as i said, im way too lazy and unmotivated, though its be nice, one day, maybe one day if i stop procrastinating

it doesnt have the same ring to it as "feto rata mojada alien" wich is how my sister and i call them (she doesnt know that much about kirby, but i sometimes show her my drawings (reluctantly sometimes, but im the older so like >:) she has too if she wants to show me her stuff too))

silly rat and wet rat, thats how i call em (because wet rat alien fetus is too long sometimes)

you can tell the brainrot was too strong (were near done(kinda))

they gain a mouth whenever i fell like it very much

artblock hit, and all the rest of pages i stared at them for 30 minutes

it felt weird looking at my fecto elfilis with the eyes so big, it looked off (in a weird way)

dunno, tried drawing them in a different pose i i dunno really

i think these are from tuesday. i did more but those were oc (mostly splatoon) or other kirby character related, and i want this to be a rat post (might post those tommorow or another day maybe)

i dunno (x2), i tried drawing elfilin like elfilis, i really liked the hands here. i still struggle a bit with anatomy but i think this was quite good for my usual character just stading looking at the front or a quarter profile. im considering making this into a fully digital drawing, what do i say by considering im actually doing that fuck it, i just think it looks kinda cool

"This new creation, driven by pure chaos, was defeated by the bright light of Kirby's hope."

Chaos Elfilis reminds me of a moth. kirby's hope is a bright light.

you can see my thought process. i just thought itd be a bit cute and kinda silly and funny.

the kirby fandom wiki, said that chaos elfilis looked akin to a moth, and it just stuck with me, so i wanted my gijinka of them to be moth inspired, and thats when i saw just how cute moths are! i mean im still a bit scared of insects but at least now i kinda like em.

i feel like i need to say sorry to that one moth i desintegrated in a matter of seconds with a book because i thought it was an spider and didnt think (im so sorry little guy)

but ah yeah elfilis, moth, it made sense to me since chaos elfilis has the soul of morpho knight, who is a butterfly, and moths are kinda like butterflies too. and i thought itd be cute

so uh yeah i sometimes like making my chaos elfilis be a bit like a moth, that includes liking light, a lot, so uh kirby is like a lamp in here because i said so

now to talk about the desing since for some reason i hadnt earlier, as i said before, they are very moth inpired so uh im might say that word way too many times (im sorry i suck at explaining stuff)

their horns are thinner to resemble moth anntenae, and they curve just because i thought it look cool, and to differentiate it a bit from fecto elfilis. their bangs tie into a bun (i forgot to draw that but i dont wanna go and change it now, way too tiredv man and i still have to post this on other places) the bun looks a bit like an eye, because well, they are basically a soul boss, and moths have things in their wings that look like eyes, btw chaos elfilis doesnt have their wings here because i got lazy and i didnt want them to like cover most of the drawing. the things coming from their bun are like the trhee things theyve got in their head, theyre shaped like that to resemble insects legs a bit, fecto elfilis also had the 3 things (i dunno how to call em sorry) as their eyelashes, but chaos elfilis has just white eyelashes, because the bun already has the 3 things and because my morpho has white eyelashes so (i still havent done my morpho gijinka yet, i just know im gonna give the butterfly some white eyelashes cuz cute and pretty grimm reaper) the rest of the hair is shaped into like a ponytail but like, adn shaped, with whats left shaped like a lil moth

the waistband they have is a nod to morpho, they used to have a bow shaped just like the butterfly morpho appears as, but i took it out because i thought it crowded the design way too much, and also because it was too on the nose. the arms have those golden things because my fecto has it and because my og chaos elfilis gijinka had them so i wanted to bring it back, the hand fades into white because the red in the hand wasnt hard to distinguish so i came up with that to make it easier to see.

the red part of the pants are actually a bit fuzzy akin to a moth and the white part has those stripes to loke like insect stuff because y'know akin to a moth. the boots are like the red part in their legs their model in-game has, so i just made em tall boots, the high heels? originally it was platform just ike my fecto but then i wanted to draw them in high heels when i was slightly redoing chaos elfilis, and welp, i loved it and now theyve got high heels. those rings around the ankle are inspired by the ones leaongar has around their arm. also can you tell anatomy is not my strong suit? and that i dont draw high heels often?

i made a slight change in my kirby, making the sleeves be a different color, since the one he had before i felt was way too white, and i wanted to have more saturation in it

i also forgot but elfilin is supposed to wear that during forgotten land, and then i decided that after the anding of the main story he changes clothes, but i forgot about that while doing this so he has his pre-ending clothes (also because i still cant really decide on their second outfit for the post-game)

god im so tired i wanna talk and show more drawings but o shit im sweating why is it so hot in here

um thank you for reading all the unnecessary long rambles about why i do certain stuff in my gijinkas, i appreciate it a lot (im still sorry about writing walls upon walls of text but i just cant help it)

Jambuhbye! :D

[pastanest]

if you’re wondering why I’m having to repost this, or why you were perhaps previously following me but no longer are, please refer to this post. I was able to retrieve this thanks to @iamburdened - thanks so much!! ♡

Daryl Dixon x gender neutral!reader

Kissing Daryl Would Include

- just like every other form of affection when it comes to Daryl, it takes time for kisses to be a regular thing

- of course, he’s wanted to kiss you since before the two of you even got together, but it wasnt appropriate then

- when you eventually revealed your crush on him, Daryl was on cloud nine for hours, until he realised something truly terrible

- the pressure for kissing was officially present

- kisses were expected, a normal coupley thing to do

- Daryl hadnt kissed anyone in so long he’d convinced himself that he’d forgotten how. what the HELL was his tongue supposed to do?! bruh. in the apocalypse there’s even less advice available to him wtf this is unfair

- he wasnt gonna stoop low enough to pretend to makeout with his own hand, but let’s just say he got dangerously close out of fear

- he really wanted to impress you, to sweep you off your feet with an absolutely flawless kiss, to make your mind go blank as you smiled at him in wonder

- you deserved to be loved like that, and Daryl would be damned if he missed the opportunity to give it to you

- with everyday that passed, the tension between you grew

- you knew Daryl very well, of course, so you understood his hesitance towards affection, and you were more than happy to wait for him

- he felt stupid about you having to wait for him, but he was so grateful that you did

- finally, the time came

- the two of you were out on a run, and while scouting out the street, it suddenly started pouring down with rain

- you ran for cover inside a clothing store, your clothes were soaked through but neither of you seemed to care, you were laughing at nothing at all and then you looked up at him

- Daryl had expected himself to reflexively pull away, maybe even literally run from the situation, so when he found himself leaning in via what can only be described as autopilot steered by his triumphant adoration for you, he was pretty shocked to say the least

- you were somewhat surprised too, but by something else

- Daryl comes across as very tough, harsh, rough in a way. he can handle himself, he’s a fighter, and a strong one. but you always knew there was a softness to him that he’d never admit to

- from that first kiss, you were proven right

- he was so, so gentle with you. his lips barely touching yours at first, until you leaned up to meet him, and even then his large hands held your face and your hips so carefully

- the stubble around Daryl’s lips was definitely expected, but you didnt expect it to feel so...hot

- he pulled away first, resting his forehead against yours with his eyes still closed, a small smile on his face as he chuckled airily

- then he pulled back a little further to place a kiss on your forehead

- you reached up to cup his face in your hands, and then you kissed his nose

- Daryl blushed, avoiding your eyes and hanging his head bashfully, making you giggle and open your arms to him

- he fell into them, feeling his entire body relax, his mind at ease

- he’d done it, he’d gotten past it. he couldnt help feeling a little proud of himself, and you were immensely proud of him too. the vulnerability he’d just shown you, and was still showing you, meant the world

- sure, sex was still going to be an issue in the future, but that was a bridge to cross much later

- after that, kissing felt much more natural to Daryl, and he definitely took advantage of that

- he was so happy, so relieved to be so comfortable with you, he didnt even mind kissing in public

- by no means was he gonna makeout with you in front of an audience

- but, Daryl would absolutely hold your hand and bring it to his lips to kiss it, or wrap an arm around your shoulders to pull you closer and place a kiss on your temple, or kiss your forehead before he left on a run

- it warmed your heart to no end, and your reactions to his kisses never failed to boost Daryl’s self-confidence

- the most beautiful person he’d ever known? swooning? for him? holy fuck

- to describe his kisses is to describe the most emotional intensity you can possibly imagine, being conveyed in a way that emphasises how precious you are to him

- but, he can definitely get a lil rougher when it is required of him 👀

[live-emotion]

Road to Ai

I havent had much luck with gacha pulls in Live Emotion so far. Admitedly I hadnt done many, since I was saving up my Wish Tones. Previously my main target was Ai's chess SR, but I didnt end up getting that either. It's such a pretty piece and outfit, especially for an SR so I hope I can have it someday.

The rates are so CRUEL. I'd saved pretty much all my wish tones since the game's release for a gacha Ai UR, so here's how it went.

When the banner started I was in bed not feeling well, and I guess my pulls mirrored how I was feeling because they weren't that great.

1st of November:

FINALLY got a UR, but it wasnt Ai.

That was 27,500 wish tones gone for 1 UR and 14 SRs, rarely getting more than just the one guaranteed UR. It broke my spirits a bit, and while it was nice to see Natsuki it really made it sink in how harsh having 3 URs in one banner is, especially with such low rates.

So I gave up for a while. I didnt want to be left with no wish tones, and no Ai UR. Especially knowing that the Stage for Myself URs and other gacha UR banners arent running on the same rotation, its possible that there could be another Ai (or Tokiya) UR any day.

Daily free pulls didnt fare any better.

I did a few more 10 wishes every now and then.

3rd of November:

8th of November:

At this point I had around 140 crowns, with 200 crowns needed to exchange for a pity Ai. Even if I spent all the wish tones I had left on the banner, I would've ended up at around 185 crowns, not enough to exchange for Ai.

Through login bonuses, event rewards, clearing all the main story, etc, I gathered some more wish tones. It was BARELY enough that I would reach 200 crowns (and 0 wish tones left).

I really didnt want to be left with 0, but I didn't want the 160ish crowns I already had to go to waste either.

16th of November:

The rainbow preview was exciting but also scary. I was kinda worried it'd be a Nacchan dupe. When I heard Syo's voice I assumed it'd be his new UR, but NOPE! That's okay with me. I think I prefer his Kirameki Emotion UR anyway.

Otoya cute, but another nothing pull. I still didnt know how committed I was to using all my wish tones, but-

Ai! <3 I nearly gave up on him but here he is!! Ai making me work for his love. I have 11 URs now, most of them event URs. Other than the recent Eiji event UR, this Ai is my only fresh attribute UR.

Thanks for coming home Ai. These rates suck <3

[safetycar-restart]

okay so hi how are you, my brain has been on a massive logan/loscar kick lately so i was thinking about how in the D/Sau before Logan’s contract renewal was announced he was so worried and was almost too sad to even scene with you and oscar was getting worried. then his contract is finally announced and he’s so happy! and he’s finally happy to do just a slow soft scene with you and oscar because he’s so happy and can finally drop into subspace in peace. have a good day/night!

🔙🦴anon

It would seem like everyone has joined me in my love for Logan and has also joined me in my love for torturing Logan, which is just incredible I am very happy about this. Lads please never stop sending me these angsty Logan vibes.

For this, I think it works best if you're the mclaren team dominant, but you dom both Oscar and Logan? So Logan technically has a Williams dominant who he almost never scenes with because he has you and Oscar. I think this works best because it means that if Logan's contract wasnt renewed, he would barely get to see you and Oscar because he wouldn't be traveling with you guys?

Firstly, I think maybe Logan couldnt scene when it was getting uncertain whether his contract was getting renewed because every time he would enter subspace, he'd start to ask you if he was bad and if that was why his contract hadnt been renewed?

Obviously you tell him he hasn't done anything wrong, that he raced as best he could and that there was nothing more he could do. But you couldnt ever tell him that everything was definitely going to be fine, because you had no way of knowing if he would be resigned or not.

Logan just wished he could enter subspace without immediately getting filled with dread and fear for the future but he can't. He's at his most vulnerable when he's in subspace, and so of course all his worries are going to surface then except this time, you can't ease his worry because you don't have the power to.

It breaks your heart to see Logan so sad, but you understand his decision of course respect it. Oscar, meanwhile, is losing his mind because seeing his boyfriend and fellow submissive this upset is hurting him so much and knowing you can't help because he won't let you is killing Oscar.

And then when Logan gets resigned, he just feels this immense relief, it's not even happiness it's just pure relief.

Maybe he sees Oscar before he sees you? He just throws himself into Oscar's arms, crying in relief and immediately asking him to call you because he needs his partners with him.

He drops into subspace to quickly when you get to him, kneeling perfectly and just crying happy tears as you stroke his hair and praise him for him so good and so brave.

You let Oscar suck Logan off, because Oscar desperately wants to show Logan how proud he is too. So Logan gets a soft blowjob from Oscar while you hold him and praise him and by the end you have two very happy subs floating in subspace, cuddled up in your arms.

[lexa-griffins]

Can you break my heart and make me cry today? I wanna know about the major angst involving Bedwarmer Clarke and Lexa's baby from the poll we did

😈😈😈😈 there are two plot points of angst.

One of them, I won't say much - i will say there were two babies, and now there's only one. They didn't know there were two babies.

For the second point:

They are pretty far off in the pregnancy by now. Lexa has been trying to take it easy but she's still heda and she also has a small toddler to take care of so she does move a whole lot and assists with training and refuses to slow down to much even if Clarke thinks she should.

She's adamant that despite everything she is not at risk during the pregnancy, the midwives have told her she is healthy and should be perfectly fine to go about her business - as so many women do on the ground. Clarke wants to disagree, but the medical training she got on the ark barely touched pregnancy and childbirth and sometimes she really wished her mom was alive to go and ask her for advice but without her all she has is her medical instinct and a sense of doom.

That night, Lexa wakes up like usual, the baby making her go to the bathroom is by now a fairly normal occurrence at eight months. She waddled her way to the bathroom, trying to be quiet with Madi asleep with them in the bed. She's half asleep, not paying much attention to anything until she sees it. Blood, in her underwear.

No. No no no. Not now. Not this time. Not again, please no.

She wakes up Clarke to tell. Lexa feels horribly calm too. Perhaps she already knew it was going to happen, had accepted it long before it happened. When Clarke wakes up at first, she assumes Lexa is in labor but Lexa tells her no, she's spotting and they need to go to the midwife.

Madi half wakes up in the commotion of them asking a guard to watch her, and Lexa only starts to choke up when the little girl calls her over and kisses her tummy because she "wants to say bye bye to her baby sibling". She says it all the time when Lexa leaves in the morning, she doesn't mean anything by it but it feels far too real this time.

When the midwife tells them she cannot be sure and that they will have to wait to see how it progresses, Clarke feels the urge to kick the old woman. What the fuck does she mean they have to way and see?! Thats their baby! If she was in the ark, if if Clarke had managed to help, if her people hadnt been so fucking stupid maybe theyd have their technology and theyd be able to know if the baby inside Lexa is still alive or not, they could just remove the baby instead of waiting to see if her wife will have to give birth to... she cant even think about that.

They go back to the room. Clarke cannot stop pacing as if trting to remember anything that could help them right now. Lexa seems to barely be aware of anything around her, staring ahead, hands in her stomach hoping to feel a movement, a hiccup, something. But the baby is awfully quiet and still, Lexa can barely remember if she felt them move at all through the day and shevstarts to question if there is something she could have done today, yesterday, at all to save their baby. Maybe she could have done everything different. Or maybe she could have done nothing at all because this baby was just a wild fantasy that was never to be.

Madi is asleep next to them. So sweet and small. She's been so excited for a sibling, she already adores Lexa so much and had been so affectionate towards Lexa's bump over the past 3 months (yes, only three. Lexas eight months pregnant, that is not a typo 👀). It breaks Lexa's heart even more, having to explain to her where the baby has gone.

At some point, they fall asleep. Neither have cried yet because despite all of their sureness in the end of this dream, neither dare to acknowledge it might be over.

Lexa wakes up with a pain on her side. She groans at it. She does not want to wake, she does not want to face the day knowing she might be less whole by the end of it.

The pain again. She swats at whatever is making it but catches nothing.

And again.

"Nomon."

"Madi baby shh"

"Nomon."

"Hmm"

"Nomon, baby want you to wake up."

"Not yet Madi."

"Baby kicking nomon. Up! Befast!"

[turkeyjournal]

Book review: The Silence of the Girls by Pat barker

Just want to preface there WILL be spoilers so, dont read if you dont want spoilers.

OVERALL RATING: 7/10

Brief description: This is the female pov of the book 'Song of Achillies" - The womens pov. When the Greek queen Helen is kidnapped by Trojans, the greeks go sail in prusuit to fight the Trojans. After besieging the city and capturing the queen of Trojan, Briseis. Who is then condemed to be a bed slave to Achilles, the strongest warrior in Greece, and the man who had eradicated all of the ciry of Troy.

My Personal Thoughts: I havent made a book review in a while. Im not really that busy; its winter holiday for me. But I did have a hard time reading this book. Not because its bad or anything - i actually enjoyed it alot but i havent been that motivated to read.

I recently finished it finally and it was a good ending. I kind of predicted it but at the same time i didnt - yk? Like i didnt expect the ending but i had a sense of direction of how it would end. Honeslty, this book was very captivating. I was super hooked the day i bought it, i finished 200 pages in one sitting, but the book was pretty depressing. Some parts i was very indifferent to, It was pretty hard having to read r*pe scenes without feeling super uncomfartble - did not like how detailed they got sometimes.

I hadnt read the orignal book 'Song of Achillies' and i am now intrested in reading it. I seriously had to pause and question if Achillies and Partocules was gay at times at the start but i didnt want to be like that so i just thought they were weirdly close. After Patrocules died it pretty much solidified it for me. I felt kind of sad that Patrocules's death but again i was indifferent. It was kind of disstressing and awful to read how Achillies acted like, but i didnt feel bad tbh. Its like reading a serial killers love letters to his secert lover. Like cool you loved this person but u are a horrible person so how could i feel sympathy?

I felt bad for the women in this story, esspeically Briseis. I dont blame her or how she acted - i dont even wanna imagine how it must be like or how i wouldve dealt with it. Shes a really strong women and its evident throughout the story and i really like how even though she went through all this traumatic and awful stuff, she still stook through it for the other women in the huts. All the women in that book deserve a hug. I dont think i liked a single man in that whole story, Patrocules was nice but i just had a weird vibe with him. Respect though or talking to Briseis like a normal human being.

Overall, its not much my book even though i was really intrested throughout. I see why this book won Womens prize for fiction, its a complex book that isnt too hard to read and is very intresting to read. 7/10 because it was written really well and scarly captured the view of these women amazingly.

OFF TOPIC: I dont celebrate christmas but happy holidays to anyone. I have gotten some gifts from some online friends and i got the whole twisted series gifted. I dont like booktok books that much - esspeically romance. No hate to them but sometimes their kind of corny. I finished 'Love Theoratically' and i really enjoyed it - Might make a review but idk. I will be making a review on Twisted series. I barely made it through Twisted love - i have no clue how im going to get through the rest. Pray for me, ill make a review when im done all the books.

[kael-writ]

CW: sexual violence and medical trauma

yknow, I wanted so badly to be able to entirely blame myself for bolting from the gyny yesterday. If it was just a problem with me, I can have total control of it.

but I dont think the way they handled it was ok. I had a crying panic attack about a vaginal exam and said "well it seems like I dont have a choice". They also knew I hadnt been to a gyny in 20 years. I barely looked at them. I hugged my body. It was really obvious I was very uncomfortable and scared and upset.

I think it would have helped a lot if they had done things to help me trust them - like say it was my choice, I could take breaks if I needed, and talked more about the procedure. Talked to me more about making me comfortable.

Also, I dont know that this procedure even WAS necessary when they were just "seeing for themselves" what the ER had already found.

Instead they just kinda said, we need to do this, and not much else- and then with two complete strangers staring at me, ordered me to undress from the waist down. Just like that, right there in front of them. They couldnt offer me a gown, to undress in private, or something? My last gyny was that long ago but I swear that's what she did then.

I panicked and bolted. And yes, I could have acted differently. Im not saying I dont have ANY responsibility or way to make the situation better. Im just saying, I think gynys ought to change how they deal with people who may be severely uncomfortable.

After talking to two female friends, BOTH of them mentioned feeling panic of the gyny. I bet this is really common, especially with young people.

When I was in the ER, and at Planned Parenthood, they did a lot more to make me comfortable and feel safe. I refused a pelvic at PP, and the lady did just kinda assume I was having a pelvic instead of asking, but they didnt push me to do it.

In the ER they presented it as my choice, they talked about taking breaks, they talked me through it, they offered breaks, they offered aftercare when I was crying and working on my breathing to prevent a panic attack. I felt safe, understood, and respected.

I was supposed to get my surgery from that hospital, where I had built trust, that week, and then insurance got declined. And that made me have to start all over. And this is hard.

It hurt to have to feel like I am not allowed access to a great care team because Im too poor, and being poor in part because of medical disabilities that include mental and physical chronic illness. What a sick joke. American healthcare.

I didnt even really go through any major sexual trauma, nothing that happened to me in terms of actual sex was even entirely non-consensual, just kinda not having my full consent fully respected the whole time and stuff like that. And stuff like getting groped at parties or whatever, frankly really normal stuff. I also do have some history of being mistreated by medical people in the past, mostly due to being queer and mentally ill. but nothing really major. I cant imagine what this would be like for someone who had survived something much more extreme. 

The last person I trusted with my body I knew for a year, and he scared me very badly (trigger warning for this, but - he expressed a fantasy of killing me, during sex, out of nowhere. /TW). So why should I trust a woman I JUST met?

I want to survive, I dont want to suffer, I dont wanna get more disabled, I dont wanna lose my job. I am worried and scared, sad, exhausted, ashamed, lots of big feelings, I need help and support, and it falls on me to do this. I have therapy in a few hours, and I will come up with a plan. but I would like to not be the only one who learns from my experience. I would like some doctor somewhere to hear my story some day and learn.