#i had an entire rant in the tags but . ill be normal For now

[fakecats]

so like do allo people question if theyre aro every month

[nakitengoku]

Hi I see u reblog posts all the time with 'vex' and 'vance', who are they?

I'm so glad you asked! Buckle up, this'll be a long one.

In Short, Vex is my cyberpunk 2077 self-insert turned oc through Character Development and Quirks that I don't possess! You can find all the posted drawings I've done of him here, here and here, but I can give you a rough summary bc I love talking about him and he makes me ill <3 I've even made him his own Spotify Playlist

First off, Vex's original concept came a while ago when I had first watched Cyberpunk: Edgerunners. (Original designs below) I named this self insert Ghost and he was supposed to operate as a shady BD dealer

I wouldn't come back to this idea for a whole year, where a friend of mine who had been posting about the game convinced me to play. I decided to revamp Ghost, including his Name Change to Vex (to fit the theme of the main characters name starting with V). Through many back and forth a between me and my friend, and through playing the game, I had eventually fleshed out Vex.

Crash course in Vex Lore, due to rough circumstances and having no other options, he signed a contract with an upstart xbd (hyper-realistic 3d experiences plugged straight into your brain. Vex's specifically was in the pleasurable kind (he's a pornstar)) producer. For Nine year, Vex worked under this Producer, slowly becoming more and more of a hit star, especially among fanatics. But he wanted to be done with it and move on with his life, and lean into his side gig of being a Merc for hire. The producer, learning that Vex was gonna quit, begged him for once last recording. During which, the Producer tried to have Vex killed by the hands of his co-actor. Vex learns this in the middle of a scene and flips it around, instead Killing his co-actor and his producer.

He then hides the body, moves and tries to make a job for himself in Atlanta, but after nearly 2 years of miss after miss, he's forced to return to Night City, thus kicking off the start of the game!

Other than his backstory, he is part of the Worlds worst polycule composed of the Canon Characters, Kerry Eurodyne, River Ward and Johnny Silverhand, and the Non Canonical (though they're both canonical in my heart) Vex and Vance.

You may now be at the point of 'Phoenix, you've only been speaking about Vex, who the hell is Vance' Well, my dear beloved Mutual, Vance is @mail-me-a-snail's V! They're more inclined to talk about him and if you're really curious, they have an entire tag about him on their blog! Just know that I love Vance so strongly that Vex has to deal with it

(They've also recently posted one of their drawings of Vance and Vex and I'm over the moon about it)

There's also our mutual Bad Ending for Vance and Vex that you'll occasionally see me mention in Tags. That's the ending where Vex never escaped his Producer, instead continuing his work and becoming extremely popular and Vance never leaving Arasaka (a huge corporation). This ending is just for the two of them to rip each other apart in mutually assured destruction done out of love, commitment and understanding <3 (of which has its own Spotify playlist)

General rule of thumb is if you see a Vex with short hair and a blue collar, that's normal Vex. If you see him with long hair and he's missing his collar, That's the Bad End Vex.

That's it for Major Plot Points! He's a pretty kind and caring guy, but Hates Johnny's guts and will only refer to him as Silverhand (for multiple reasons). He's main weapon is a katana. He'll eat random food off the street bc of ingrained habits and won't think twice about how nasty that it. His preferred mode of transport is a motorbike bc he can't drive a car for shit. He's my sopping wet cat of an oc that I shake around like a limp piece of prey between my teeth.

Hope you enjoyed this rant about him! Thank you so much for asking ! (And feel free to keep asking, I love talking about him)

[snorfbin]

just a little eensy teensy rant about eso lately

im not looking for a discussion or anything like that, this is just a rant i couldnt stuff in the tags

eso is one of those games that i want to like but it feels like with each passing day i find theres more and more to dislike about it. sometimes i feel like im submitting a ticket every week bc theres something broken i come across. stuff environmental asset that were once entirely solid can now be clipped through which prevents people from getting loot the devs stashed ontop of it

lately theyve been celebrating the 10th anniversary jubilee, 10 whole years of eso, and of course they can even do that smoothly along with literally every other event theyve put on in 2024. it started out fine but shit soon hit the fan

they made an update to pts so players can test out the new dlc and some new pts features to test out higher level builds. things were going well until about an hour after the pts was brought back online when my server, pcna, was suddenly taken offline without any warnings. i had to hop over to the server to get some info which is where i learned that the pts update hadnt gone smoothly. zos somehow crossed the wires between pts and pcna where people could bring over their max level pts toons over to pcna and i heard people had billions in gold and trillions in loot. pts and pcna were taken down for this emergency bc it absolutely wouldve devastated the player economy to have that much money flowing around. speculation on how zos would handle this was grim on the forums, generally people were expecting a server rollback and all progress they had made that day would be erased. ill give zos credit, they didnt do a rollback but just locked the accounts of those who were affected by this pts exploit so the devs could dig through their inventory and xp histories to pick out the exploits; everyone else who didnt exploit the game would be fine to continue on playing when the servers came back online

pcna was taken down i wanna say around 7 am for me and was only brought back by around 11:30 pm so thats most of the day for the event gone. to my knowledge it took a couple days for pts to come back online. overall the issue didnt bother me beyond the time the server was down at that point. those with locked accounts would receive incredibly generous gifts from zos to make up for the inconvenience of being locked out during the event. theyd get...

-16k endeavours. they can use that to buy items from the gamble crates without spending any irl money. 16k is enough to buy like 400 of the bottom tier items or just 1 of the top shelf fancy as fuck items. thats about 10 months worth of constantly grinding for endeavours

-5 replica style pages released this year for the event. you can normally get these style pages through a handful of activities but the drop rates have become infamous for how abysmally low they are. ive heard of people running 700 dolmens now throughout the whole event and they have nothing to show for it. players whove been locked out get all 5 without putting in the work

-25 confetti scrolls to make the new jubilee horse mount. normally you get these by doing 1 daily quest to get a gold event reward box, you get 1 confetti scroll per box and the event was originally only meant to go on for 18 days, youd have to spend event tickets to buy more to complete the achievement to earn the horse

so locked out players get all 3 of these overwhelmingly generous gifts to make up for the time theyve spent locked out during the event. usually whenever zos actually feels bad about a blunder they just give us some ugly as fuck pity pet and move on with their shenanigans. theyre basically sucking the dicks of players here in my humble opinion. they even added on an additional 2 days to the event, instead of just 18 days worth of the event its not 20 days in total! hallelujah for that!

and then they decided to go back on the 2 additional days and essentially just make it 1 day for literally everyone on pcna. for the final day of the event, from 3 am to 7 am, pcna would be taken offline starting at 3 am when tickets are supposed to reset so that they can restore locked accounts. zos even stated that they expect the server to be offline for like 8 hours. just go fuck yourself if youre on pcna and were hoping to get the final 3 tickets and maybe some bonus rewards, those 2 extra days zos promised is effectively just 1 day and a broken promise

my gripe with the server being taken down is that it was scheduled for 3 am. thats when daily quests and tickets reset. if you werent already on and ready to get your tickets youre just fucked with no hope of getting your tickets, spending them, or earning any other rewards for the extra day zos promised you. they S E R I O U S L Y couldnt wait maybe another 10 mins so those dedicated to the event and to earning tickets could maybe actually have just a little bit more time to actually earn the final tickets and the last of the event rewards as well as buy event goodies from the impressario and indrik vendor merchants who are only around during events and tend to have items associated with specific events and seasons? they seriously needed to take the server down for the entirety of the final day of the event? players whove been locked out seriously cant wait just 10 extra minutes?

i consider myself to have be very lucky to be nocturnal for the past while. i was able to be online before the servers went down. i prepped some daily quests to turn in for my last rewards and was ready to earn my final tickets. i got the event boxes and my tickets. not many other players are awake at 3 in the fucking morning on a weekday and had absolutely no chance to earn their final event goodies! they were also p damn fast at taking the server down too. usually it takes like 3-5 mins but ive personally seen it take as many as 8 mins for the server to go offline. my clock read 3:01 by the time the server was pulled offline. thats unusually punctual for zos in my experience over the course of 3 years of playing eso. players who were locked out wouldnt even be able to get the rewards of the last day of the event either

im just fucking pissed that they promised us 2 extra days of the event and then unexpectedly backtracked in the worst way possible by giving everyone on pcna only the slimmest of chances to get the rewards of the final day. this round of maintenance has turned the forums into more than a bit of a warzone too with players fighting each other over whos fault it is when its so very clearly the fault of zos. it feels like the whole fucking dev team is made up entirely of clowns keyboard smashing their way through some very delicate spaghetti code so its just inevitable that like 50 bajillion things break with each and every update.

i dont fucking care if youre one of the players who got locked out or if youre also mad about missing the final day of the event. i just need to fucking vent about how god awfully stupid zos is at least this one time. the only reason why i even continue playing eso is bc its the only source for tes content nowadays bc tes6 is never coming out

[stillness-in-green]

Why Deku's ultimatum to Overhaul is bad and he should feel bad

This is a bit outside my normal character wheelhouse, but I really need to get a rant about it off my chest, so here goes:

The Deku and Overhaul scene in Chapter 316 is terrible. It is fucking terrible.

I took a whirl around Overhaul's tag up through when the leaks first started dropping, but didn't immediately see anyone talking about why it's so fucking terrible, only concerns about letting Overhaul see Eri (understandable, but baseless, I think), some empathy towards Overhaul's current state (totally warranted!), some snark about Deku being So Done with Overhaul (haha because who cares about Deku's stated goal of trying to understand villains, right?), and, worst of all, some cooing about how Deku was being so compassionate and noble by offering Overhaul that olive branch.

Deku was not being compassionate and noble there. Deku was being arrogant, small-minded, and so shockingly cruel that it leaves me speechless that anyone could think his stunted and hard-hearted "offer" reflects well on him.

Deku's entire motivation in this arc has been wrestling with the realization that he might have been able to avoid some of the desperate battles of his past if he'd understood more about the villains he fought. He thought of three very specific people--Stain, Muscular, and Overhaul--as he reflected, "Maybe it wouldn't have had to go that way if I'd understood them better." He then thought of Gentle Criminal and La Brava, people who he’d come to some understanding of, who he’d been able to soften the conclusion of his battle with by going along with Gentle's fiction downplaying what had happened between them. The whole line of thought was intended to contextualize his newfound desire to save Shigaraki.

It soon became apparent that Stain, Muscular and Overhaul were, in fact, encounters that he would be revisiting, as a chance to see how he'd grown since he faced them, and as a dry-run on reaching out to villains that would give him a chance to practice ways he might reach out to Shigaraki when the time comes.

Well, based on his performance so far, the idea that Deku might be able to reach Shigaraki is laughable.

Firstly, his tentative questions to Muscular were ill-timed, all wrong for the middle of a battle. Muscular laughed him off, and I don’t think there’s any version of that scenario in which he would have done otherwise. Muscular was a huge threat, gleefully violent, disinterested in conversation about his history. Obviously, right in the middle of a fight was no kind of time to try to figure out what made the man tick! But Deku didn’t get the luxury of choosing the circumstances of that encounter, so yes, that battle probably was unavoidable, certainly if Deku wanted to stop him from doing further damage. But the idea that because Deku couldn't reach him right then and there, it's impossible for Deku--or, indeed, for anyone--to reach him at all is fallacious. Not every person has to be able to like or understand every other person. If Deku couldn't reach Muscular, so what? That doesn't mean it's impossible that someone might. And that means an obligation to treat Muscular like a human being, to afford him human rights, to not stop trying to find a way to rehabilitate him, even as you safeguard other people against him.

Deku's battle with Muscular being unavoidable was not some great triumph, for all that the narrative used it as an opportunity to let him show off how far he’d come in mastering One For All. In the way that matters, the way that Deku himself is currently trying to better, he hasn't advanced at all. Imasuji Goto represented his first test in the lead-up to saving Shigaraki, and Deku failed it.

His next trial was Overhaul.* Here, again, was someone who Deku was explicitly trying to understand. So what was the one thing that was most key to understanding Overhaul's current motivation? What was the one thing that Overhaul was ranting about out loud, incessantly? And what did Deku conspicuously fail to ask about? Overhaul's relationship with Pops.

This was so easy. So obvious. And Deku didn’t even try. All he could think about in the moment he was faced with that broken man was the little girl that man hurt--all thoughts of trying to understand where the man himself was coming from went right out the window, flown away in an instant. Instead of asking about why Overhaul feels the way he does, he demanded that Overhaul feel the way Deku wanted. He was essentially holding the only person Overhaul cared about hostage for the remorse he wanted Overhaul to feel.

I'm not going to try to armchair diagnose Overhaul with mental conditions. I don't have the educational background, and I'm positive Horikoshi doesn't. But it seems pretty clear that asking Overhaul to feel guilt about Eri was asking for something that he might not be capable of feeling, at least not without years of therapy that he was plainly not getting in Tartarus. And if Overhaul is not capable of feeling that guilt, then what does denying Overhaul his meeting actually solve? Who does it help? It doesn’t help Eri. Doesn’t help the old man. It certainly doesn’t help Overhaul himself. The only person who gets any satisfaction out of demanding remorse from Overhaul is Deku. And even Deku didn’t look like he found it very satisfying!

Another failure. A meaninglessly cruel, petty failure. A failure that served only to hurt a man who was already a live wire of agony, to sentence an old man to a coma he might never wake from without Overhaul's expertise, and to deprive Eri of the only actual family she had left.

And look, Pops might very well not be the ideal guardian for Eri, and I'm not saying he should get to "keep" her just because of the blood connection, but it's not like he cheerfully handed her over to Overhaul and walked out the door! He turned to Overhaul because he trusted Overhaul, because he wanted someone to help Eri and thought that maybe Overhaul could. And when Overhaul's thoughts about Eri took a very dark turn, Pops first denied his request about using her to further his research and then, when Overhaul kept pushing it, chose Eri over the kid he personally took in from the streets by telling Overhaul that he needed to leave the Shie Hassaikai if he couldn't muster any more respect for human life than that.

But, you know, Eri is so cute with Aizawa and stuff. And Pops was a criminal. Probably. Maybe? I mean, he was yakuza, anyway, so he obviously must have been a criminal even if the police never actually arrested him. Apparently, this means it's okay to just leave him in a coma forever! Even though Overhaul absolutely has enough medical expertise that letting him talk to a neurologist about what he did to Pops might enable them to figure out how to wake Pops up even without Overhaul being able to use his quirk to undo the damage. Hell, Overhaul is also the person alive who has the best handle on how Eri's quirk works. He might even know what her accumulation condition is. Maybe a better thing to ransom his access to Pops with would be Overhaul telling Aizawa everything he knows about Eri's quirk so Aizawa can use the knowledge to help her get a better handle on it.

But no. Obviously undoing some small part of the concrete harm Overhaul did was less important than how Deku felt about that harm.

And there's more! Oh, is there ever. I called Deku arrogant before; let me circle back to that.

Deku said that if Chisaki would feel the way Deku wanted him to feel, then Deku would uphold the promise to let Overhaul see Pops. But where in hell did Deku get off making that claim? Deku is a student. He's not a pro. He has no authority, medical, legal, carceral or otherwise. He has no say in where Overhaul goes or who he's allowed to see.

What the fuck? What the actual fuck? What kind of strings did Deku think he could pull that he could just casually make that claim without so much as going into a huddle with Hawks and Endeavor about it first? How inflated has this kid's sense of importance gotten that he made Overhaul that promise without even stopping to think about whether it was something he was in any position to ensure? It was such a bullshit ultimatum, not only because of how needlessly obstructive it was, but because it was so formless.

"If only you would feel a wish to apologize to Eri…" Okay, so what if Overhaul goes back to prison and, three days later, calls out to say, "Okay, I thought about it and I really feel like I want to apologize, now can I see Pops already?" Who gets to make that judgment call? Deku? Is he going to drop his faux-vigilante act and come visit Overhaul in prison just so he can squint at the man really hard to see if he's lying? Is Deku going to delegate the call to someone else? All Might? Hawks? A prison warden? A psychologist? Who? Who gets to be the one to say, "Okay, I think his remorse is genuine."

Then, once that call has been made, how many people have to arrange for Overhaul to be escorted out of prison and to whatever hospital Pops is in? Will Deku get to oversee that visit? Does he think he can overturn a warden declaring, "The scum doesn't deserve a visit, and the old man probably doesn't either," or a doctor protesting, "I'm not letting that man anywhere near my patient!"

The hell of it is, I think Deku could do all of that. He's got a close personal connection to All Might, who was basically a demi-god to this society for decades; he has the ear of the current top three heroes. Everyone is apparently convinced that the power to save this society rests solely in Deku's hands; I'm sure he could ask for anything he wanted. But the fact that that is the case suggests that this society is not even slightly turning away from its dependence on heroes dictating its morality. A hero having the sole right to dictate, out of hand, based on his personal feelings, the fate of people designated "villains" while the rest of society turns away is exactly what Shigaraki is angry about.

The only thing worse than Deku perpetuating the worst problems of hero society in an arc that's supposed to be about him finding a better way is that he didn’t even stop to think about it. It never even occurred to him that that was what he was doing. He thought that what he was asking of Chisaki was just and fair, and thus, he didn’t need to ask for any second opinions or permissions; he didn’t need to think about what would actually be feasible, about what was best for the people involved. He'd made his judgment call about a villain, and that's all there was to it. The villain could fall in line or--nothing. There isn't actually another choice. Hero's way or nothing

I hate it. I hate it. I don't care about whether Overhaul "deserves" to suffer; heroes making the cold decision that they will make him suffer is antithetical to everything a carceral system intended to rehabilitate prisoners stands for. And yes, Japan does at least claim on paper that the goal of incarceration in state hands is rehabilitation.

Restorative justice is superior to retributive justice. It's better for society and it's better for individuals. It is kinder, it is more compassionate. Retributive justice poisons people. It perpetuates suffering for no reason but moral grandstanding. Individuals are allowed to forgive or not forgive anyone they want, but a society should conduct itself with an eye to the long-term welfare of all of its people. That means that even the worst kinds of criminals still have human rights. It means not inflicting pain that serves no purpose.

I've gotten off-track here. Yes, I think that if Overhaul could feel regret about Eri, that would obviously be a positive development for his character. It'd hurt like hell, but it would be a hurt that indicated he was becoming a better person, a person who wanted to do more good, less ill, with his life and efforts. But you can't mandate that someone become a better person. No ultimatum handed down from on high is going to change Overhaul's heart. Telling someone, "I'll help you, but only if you only feel the way I want you to feel. Otherwise, you can just stay there and suffer," is not reaching out to help people who are suffering in the dark, which is, again, what Deku claimed he wanted to do, what he begged for Nagant's help in doing, the way he insisted to the vestiges that OFA should be used.

Deku writing people off because they don't conform to his expectations, because they can't be "good" the way he wants them to be, nor even "bad" in ways he can understand, is him failing to live up to his own expressed ideals. "I wish you'd feel bad about hurting people," wasn't enough to reach Muscular or Overhaul, and it damn well shouldn't be enough to reach Shigaraki.

Cruelty does not beget kindness. You cannot treat people with only callousness and severity, then condemn them for not taking the opportunity to grow. You have to give them opportunities to better themselves. For Overhaul, giving him an opportunity would be letting him help the man he wronged and then moving forward from there. Telling him to feel regret about Eri or else? That's doing nothing but sweeping his pain back under the rug.

---

*I have more or less exhausted my outrage over Lady Nagant in chats with friends, so I'll spare the rant on how disjointed, contradictory and ludicrous her turn was; the gist is "very, on all counts."

---

P.S. Anyone who says that Overhaul "has nothing left to live for" is being a level of ableist that defies description. Prosthetics exist. Assistive devices exist. Speech-to-text software exists. Overhaul is intelligent, driven and highly educated. Even if he never got prosthetics at all, there would still be things he could contribute to the world if he were motivated to do so. The better thing to do, though, would be to get the man some damn prosthetics, hook him up with the neurologist consulting on Pops' case, and let the two of them get on with the matter of waking up the old man.

P.P.S. Overhaul spent six months in solitary confinement. The United Nations considers solitary confinement exceeding 15 days to be a form of torture. Solitary confinement creates severe mental health issues and exacerbates existing ones. It frequently leads to a deadening of empathy, something Overhaul has in little enough amounts as it is. It is absurd to ask a man who's just come out of these conditions to "feel sorry for what you did to Eri," especially if you're planning to turn around and send him right back to solitary. Tartarus is inhuman, and the only reason more of the escapees aren't total wrecks like Overhaul is because Horikoshi clearly didn't bother to do the reading on the wide array of problems that those characters should be experiencing physically, mentally and socially.

[tooruluv]

Tooru Oikawa x F!Reader ( part 7 )

❝ my love for him is much like winter, a skeleton for the world to see. too bad he never liked the cold. ❞

description: being the neighbor and lifelong best friend of tooru oikawa definitely had it’s perks. you were never an outcast, always had a seat at lunch, got into volleyball games for free. the problem was, however, that being in love with him outweighed those perks. you would never tell him that, though, even if it hurt like hell.

genre: best friends to lovers, angst, unrequited love, fluff if you squint hard enough

word count: 2,184

warnings/notes: um.. haha?

tag list: @afuckingunicornn​​​ @maii-flowers​​​ @clandestinerays​​​ @brownandchill​​​ @readeretal​​​ @wedojustbevibin​​​ @shigarakiskitten​​​ @shittykawaa​​​ @saeranoppa​​ @srirachibi​​ @tpwkatsumu​ @sempiternal-amour​ @bokutos-h0e​ @pinknugget​ @intheawks​

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“Oh.”

You couldn’t look at her. How could you? You felt her eyes stare into your head, but you focused all of your attention onto your hands as though they would help you escape the most awkward conversation you’ve ever had.

“You’re in love with Tooru.” Sana said, as a statement rather than question. You didn’t move, frozen. “Oh my god, and I’ve been a total bitch! I asked you on a double date… oh! Oh no, I totally just said he doesn’t like you back…”

“You’re not wrong.” You let out a small (and very emotionless) chuckle. You finally looked up at her.

“Seriously I cannot believe you are letting me be your friend when I’m dating the man you’ve been seriously in love with. What does that make me?”

“A girl who’s dating a guy who likes her back.” You told her.

The thing was, you weren’t mad at Sana. You never had an ill thought toward her. Yet, Sana was so guilty about something she (1) couldn’t control, and (2) had no idea about. You wanted to hate her, yes, but you didn’t. And Oikawa was your best friend.

“Sana, stop.” You cut her off in the middle of another rant as Sana continued about how mad she would’ve been and asking you again why you didn’t tell her about your love for the boy. “Sana! I don’t care! Truly. I told you when we first met that you had my full approval. Oikawa likes you, and I like you, and I seriously would’ve rather died than have this conversation.”

Sana gave you a look, then looked at Iwaizumi, and then back to you.

“How long have you been in love with him?”

You faked a smile. “That seems to be the question of the decade, huh?”

Tooru Oikawa showed up at your house for the first time in what seemed like forever. It was after the other two had left, and you were just lounging around (and just got off of facetime with Kuroo, which is beside the point).

“Hi.” He smiled as you swung the door open. “Please tell me that I can stay the night.”

You smiled, instantly forgetting about anything else. Because Oikawa was back to being the Oikawa you knew, and he was standing in front of you asking to stay the night.

“You can stay the night.”

You remember the very first time that Oikawa had slept in your bed with you. As kids, it never really counted, and your parents did their best to make sure the both of you slept in either separate beds or on blankets on the floor.

But, one night, Oikawa had showed up in the middle of the night. You were both still kids, basically right before puberty. He was soaking wet from rain. 

“Oikawa?” You turned your head. He grew a lot that summer. “What are you doing here?”

“I hate the lightning.” He admitted, stepping in and taking his (very wet) shoes. “Can I sleep here? My brother keeps teasing me.”

“Of course! O.M.G! We can have a sleepover. I have chocolate in my room.” 

He followed you up the stares, the both of you giggling and ready to stay up the entire night. You both lied, though, as you fell asleep before midnight. You woke up in his arms.

Sana was still your friend, you assumed. After she left, she never told you that she wanted time or space or anything of the sort. You figured that you’ve held your feelings down for this long and she noticed and it didn’t bother her.

It would’ve bothered you if you found out a friend was in love with your boyfriend.

Still, you were surprised when Sana linked her arm with yours at school. She still sent you her shining smile, waited for you before class, and talked nonsense.

“Sana, I’m confused.” You told her. She was grabbing her books out of her locker and you were standing beside her. She didn’t speak, so you continued. “I… I’m in love with your boyfriend. And you’re… you seem to be okay with the whole thing.”

“You’ve been in love with him for longer than I’ve known him.” Sana turned to you, the most serious you have ever witnessed from her. “Who am I to be mad about that? And I like our friendship, even if it did start with him.”

“You… you’re probably the coolest person ever. Actually.”

“I try to be.” Sana shut her locker, finally giving you a smile. “I’m not one to be jealous, but if this becomes some kind of kdrama I might have to use your weaknesses against you.”

“I can agree to that.”

You ate in the cafeteria for the first time in a long time. Iwaizumi and Matsukawa sat to the right of you at the circle tables, and Oikawa on your left. It felt normal. The only thing was, Sana was nowhere to be found.

“Where’s Sana?” You asked Oikawa after a little bit, to which he shrugged.

“I don’t know. She said that she had something to do.”

You looked at Iwaizumi, as if he always had the answers you searched for, but he only gave you a confused look. Hm.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

You and Oikawa stood in the hallway, arm’s length away and walking in opposite directions. It was after lunch and before class, the perfect time to have an awkward conversation.

“You never stopped wearing my jersey. I saw you in it last game.” He said, sending you his priceless smile.

“I plan on wearing it again tonight. If that’s okay.”

“It’s always okay.” He kept smiling, but you could see it was a little more forced than usual. “I shouldn’t have ever asked you for it.”

“If you start to apologize again, I will punch you in the face. In front of everyone here.” You told him.

His hands came out of his pockets, reaching to you. “Deal. Oh! By the way, your tie is crooked.”

You gasped, looking to your chest, only to find your tie in perfect condition.

“Make you look.”

“You child!” You laughed, smacking his arm. He laughed too, sticking his tongue out at you.

Suzuki Sana had been dating Tooru Oikawa, officially, for a month. She liked it, for the most part. He adored her, truly, and made her laugh more than ever. He also happened to be a good kisser, something she would never admit.

The only thing was, she felt way closer to you than she did with Oikawa. Not in the same ways, of course, but it was true. She wasn’t expecting to be such close friends with you so quickly.

Sana tried her best not to be jealous, or upset, about you being in love with Oikawa. But it was hard. She was a lot of things but a jealous girlfriend was not one of them. Until she watched you and Oikawa talk.

It was just a small conversation between you and him, a short one in the hallway after lunch, but it was like a spotlight shone directly on the two of you and made everyone else disappear. She could almost see the love dripping off of your face when you smiled at something he said to you. And she definitely didn’t miss the way Oikawa looked at you with stars in his eyes.

So, yeah. That’s when something changed and Sana knew what to do.

There was only one fight between Tooru Oikawa and you that resulted in multiple days of no speaking. And it was your fault. It was something stupid, but it was important.

When you were young (probably around nine or ten), you had accidentally ripped Oikawa’s permission form to go to a volleyball summer camp. It was only a couple of weeks during the summer where he would be away, and they needed to turn in the paper by mail.

Oikawa was mad at you for two full days. He yelled at you, thought that you ripped it on purpose because you didn’t want him to go. You didn’t want him to go, of course, but the rip was on accident.

He apologized on the third day. And spent the rest of the summer forcing you to play volleyball with him. By the end, you still didn’t completely understand the sport.

You have known Oikawa your entire life, your parents being best friends since their high school days. It wasn’t unusual for your parents to have dinner together and leave “the children” (you) to hang out while they’re away.

It was one of those nights, and Oikawa was trying to convince you to throw some serves for him in the backyard. You sat on the porch, next to Oikawa’s older brother, refusing to do so.

“So, I hear you have been dating someone lately.” Oikawa’s brother turned to you, a mischievous smile plastered on his face. Oikawa froze from his position, ball in hand. You didn’t notice. “Tell me the details.”

“I… I have no idea what you’re talking about.” You told him, face flushed.

“Ah! You’re so flustered right now!” He teased you. “Who is he?”

“No one. I’m not dating anyone.” You crossed your arms. You looked at Oikawa, trying to gauge his reaction. He had his back turned to you.

Oikawa’s brother noticed your focus, and you swore his grin got wider. “I see. You’re not over it.”

“Not over it.” You replied, both of you sharing a secret as old as time.

Tetsurou Kuroo had facetimed you one day after school, before one of Seijoh’s games. It was a filler game, one that didn’t count towards championships, but you were excited to go to a game when everything was back to normal.

“Hello, jersey.” He greeted through the phone. He was laying in bed, one arm under his head. You had a very thirsty thought, but you will keep that to yourself. You didn’t like Kuroo that way.

“Hello, hair.” You joked back, pointing out his hair (which was flat and on his face and not done per usual).

“Why are you still at school? The game doesn’t start for like half an hour.”

“I forgot something in my locker.” You told him, turning the corner towards your locker. “And my mom dropped me off before going to run some errands, so I’m here early.”

Kuroo talked to you for a minute about something volleyball related, and then something about something else you couldn’t remember, before you ended up at your locker.

The lockers were a bit shorter than the ceiling, so there was a space between the top of the locker. Right above yours was a blue athletic water bottle with an “O” on it. You chuckled, rolling your eyes, reaching up to grab it (using a shelf in your locker after not being able to reach).

“Hey, Kuroo, do you mind if I call you back later?”

“Yeah, cool. Talk to you later?”

You smiled at him from your camera. “I’ll probably text you during the game.”

He smiled and waved you goodbye. You clicked the end button as you twirled the full water bottle in your hand.

You walked into the gym, towards the boys who collected around the chairs by the coach. The minute you seen the back of Oikawa’s head, you knew that he wasn’t the happiest.

It was like the cheerful Oikawa from earlier had vanished.

“Hey, ‘Kawa…” you started, but before you could get any closer or say anything else, he pivoted.

His eyes met yours, and he was livid. The air was immediately tense.

“Dude can you fucking leave me alone for one minute?” Oikawa deadpanned. He was angry, his voice loud enough to cause most of the crowd to go silent to listen in. You froze in place. “Seriously, get off the court and let me play this fucking game without worrying about you. You know Sana broke up with me because of you? Did you know that? You always have to have some kind of interference for literally everything good happening in my life. Why don’t you go? Leave me be? You don’t even fucking like volleyball.”

Your heart dropped to your stomach, and your voice caught in your throat. You couldn’t move. You blinked.

“God, it’s so fucking annoying. I get it, you’re in love with me or whatever, but Jesus Christ dude find someone else to follow. ”

You swallowed. Not only did your heart shatter, but he also pointed every insecurity you had. Annoying him, being a bother… You couldn’t breathe. He knew. Of course he knew. How could he not know?

“Yeah, okay.” Your voice was small, and you were surprised that it didn’t waver. You held the waterbottle to him, hands shaking. “I was just bringing you your water bottle. You left it on top of my locker.”

You placed the water bottle on the ground next to the coach before walking out of the gym doors, and then sprinting down the hall.

[where-theres-smoak-2]

This Needs To Stop.

Trigger warning: Sensitive topics, p*dopilia, grooming, mental health and r*cism. 

Ok so this is a bit of a rant so apologies for that, I usually try to stay away from sensitive or controversial topics but this is something that I am passionate about and that I think is important. Also I just want to say that I am in no way directing this to the entirety of the M*lina fandom, I know most are just enjoying their ship, but there are those few who are deliberately seeking out darklina posts or are cross tagging and coming into darklina’s asks and just generally harassing the fandom which sadly I am seeing happen more and more often. Also I do feel like this can apply to all fandoms not just exclusively shadow and bone/ grishaverse, its just this is the one I am experiencing it in right now.   

I’ve seen antis call darkling/darklina fans many problematic things, delusional, mentally ill, ab*se apologists. They also like throwing around words like grooming and p*dophile. The thing that makes me angry about this is that they are taking sensitive topics, topics that many users have been effected by and they are using them to attack shippers merely for liking a character or ship that they don’t. What is even more frustrating is they seem to be throwing these words around without evening fully understanding what they even mean. For example the claim that the Darkling is a p*dophile because Alina is only 17 in the books. Well p*dophilia is a psychiatric disorder where adults are attracted to children and in order for it to be classed as p*dophilia the child involved has to be 13 or younger. A 16 year old can be diagnosed as a p*dophile if they become attracted to a child that is five years or more younger than them. So the relationship between the Darkling and Alina does not meet the criteria to be categorised this way as Alina is over the age of 13. As for it being a case of Alina is underaged, well, for one that depends on where in the world you are. This is based on imperial russia, in russia the age of consent is 16. This means that a 16 year old can have a sexual relationship with a 30 year old, a 70 year old or a 500 year old immortal and in a court of law it is still legal, whatever your own moral issues around age gaps might be. Even then it can be argued that it is irrelevant because, as with most historical literature where young girls marry older men, you cannot put modern day concepts onto them. Like I said this story is based on Imperial Russia, the life expectancy of a person in that time was around 30 years old. That means a 15 year old girl is already half way through her life, she is literally middle aged. It is at this point usually that girls started to prepare to get married and have children and yes sometimes it was to an older man because men were expected to provide for their wife and family which means having a house and job and means to support a family which an older man was more likely to have. My point is a 15-17 year old in say Imperial Russia is not the same as a 15-17 year old in modern day therefore you can’t take modern day laws and morals and place them onto that situation, it doesn’t work, they lived completely different lives. In Alina’s world, she is at the age where girls might get married and her being courted by a man of the general’s status would have been a normal occurrence, for her to have caught the attention of someone with his standing would have been considered very advantageous for her. I mean she literally gets two marriage proposals in book 2, where I believe she is still 17, and Nikolai is talking about how if she marries him it’ll be in name only and they can make Mal her guard so she can do the horizontal tango with him whenever she feels like it, so clearly the characters themselves feel like Alina is at an age where she can, one get married, and two be engaging in a sexual relationship. 

So why does all of this matter? Well it matters because people reading these posts, asks and comments left on posts, may be victims of p*dophilia and grooming. A lot of these comments don’t have trigger warnings and when you are talking about sensitive and triggering topics like this you need to be careful and when you are talking about them without even really understanding them, and where they can’t apply to the characters you are talking about anyway, then you are potentially triggering someone needlessly because you didn’t need to be talking about it in the first place, I hope I am making sense there. I am not saying don’t talk about these subjects if you do think they are relevant, I am saying make sure you do the research, that you understand the subject you are addressing and when you do talk about it do it in a respectful manner, don’t throw it out there in an angry spew accompanied by alot of other derogatory words because that won’t help anyone.     

Another subject I want to talk about is I am also seeing a lot of posts about how darklinas must be delusional or mentally unwell. This, again, is hurtful and harmful. Mental illness for a very long time has had a stigma around it, one that makes the person suffering from it feel weak and ashamed. There was always the attitude of if you are mentally ill then there is something wrong with you, or the attitude of oh just get over it, cheer up, think a different way. But mental illness isn’t just a state of emotion its often caused by hormonal imbalances and chemicals. Genetics can also play a part. There is nothing wrong with someone who is mentally ill their brain is just wired a different way. I also find it problematic when people throw around the word delusional. Maybe its nothing to you, just a word, but alot of mental illnesses have actual delusions as one of their symptoms. These can be scary and upsetting and are outside the control of the person experiencing them. Making the suggestion that liking a particular ships means you are delusional is potentially very triggering to those who do battle delusions and have fought to overcome them. The stigma around mental illness has prevented alot of people suffering from mental illness from seeking help out of shame or embarrassment or even out of fear of being judged and although I do feel like as a society we’ve become alot more open about mental health and alot more accepting there is still a long way to go. When antis start saying things like ‘I can’t believe people ship this, they must be mentally ill,’ or ‘they must be sick in the head’, or ‘if you like this ship than you must be delusional’ not only are they being incredibly prejudice against people who have mental illnesses but it is also so harmful because if there is someone reading that post who is struggling with their mental health and are considering seeking help then you’ve just made them feel more ashamed, more like there is something wrong with them which will make them even less likely to seek out help and as I said before there isn’t anything wrong with a person who has a mental health condition they are just different from you. That doesn’t give you the right to make them feel like they are less capable of deciding what they do or do not like or even what they should or should not like to be classified as a ‘normal’ person. 

The most latest problematic statements I’ve seen have been those accusing Darklina’s of being r*cist. This one I found a bit funny in a it’s not funny kind of way. I just don’t think there is much logic behind this view point. I’m not sure I understand the antis reasoning here. Mostly because I’m pretty sure the majority of the Darklina fandom comes from the books where Mal is described as being a white, brown haired, blue eyed guy. Funnily enough the Darkling is described as being able to pass for Shu, though to be clear it isn’t confirmed that he is a POC, but out of the two in the books the Darkling is more likely to be a POC than Mal. On top of that whilst many darklina fans have made it clear they are not a fan of Mal in the books many have said they like the show version of Mal who, as we all know, the actor Archie is a POC. So by anti logic darklinas are all r*cist because they don’t like book Mal who is depicted as white but we do like show Mal who is a POC. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I do understand that there were some ‘fans’ who made inappropriate and r*cist comments to some cast members including Archie and I would never ever condone that no matter who I ship. But you also can’t condemn an entire fandom just because of the actions of a select few. I don’t judge all M*linas for that one fan who accused Ben of being a pr*dator and p*dophile because of his friendship with Jessie. Once again my point is r*cism is a serious topic and not something someone should use as a retort or comeback to someone not shipping your ship. When we use these words casually it makes it less likely that they’ll be taking seriously when they really do need to be taken seriously, when they really are relevant to what is happening. If we keep using them so casually then when we really do need to talk about them, when it really matters, people will just shrug and go ‘its just antis being antis.’ 

I think it is possible for people to like different things, to debate and analyse different relationships and characters and talk about what flaws they may have in a respectful manner. I wouldn’t say I am anti m*lina but at the same time there are things about them that I find problematic but when I talk about those things I hope I do so in a way that doesn’t demean those who do like the ship. I understand that people will have a different interpretation than me and whilst I might not understand where their thinking comes from or why they have a particular opinion I would never make the assumption that they are mentally unwell or make judgements on their character or morals. I try to think about the words I am writing. I know how easy it can be to just throw a word out there without thinking about it. I used to use the word delusional to describe fans of certain ships, but when I recognised how damaging and problematic that was I stopped and I changed my behaviour because it was never my intention to hurt others. I guess the main message I am trying to convey here is we need to be careful with our words they’re not as insignificant as we might think.                

[just-a-fangirl13]

Why s5 *might* be the season MacRiley happens

Okay so...Hear me out! I'm not crazy I promise!!

Firstly, after 5x03 (and probably 5x04) it may seem very unlikely that MacRiley could ever happen. But I thought of a few reasons why they might actually happen by the end of s5 after all.... (it gets a lil long winded and kinda complicated but just stick with me till the end!)

1. All the MacRiley moments including the ones in 5x03.

[this Mac smile could not be an accident or something that slipped through both production and post-production right?! that in itself is a whole reason!]

Every Macriley moment we have ever had- whether it's the hugs, Riley saving Mac, Mac saving Riley, the ultimate show of loyalty when Riley went after Mac during Codex or even just the looks exchanged between the two- to any outsider it would seem pretty obvious that they are dating or at least in love. Keep in mind the writers would have written each of those scenes and Lucas and Tristan have acted them out with a specific build up in mind aka MacRiley.(think about the date episode: Riley just got dumped but was still thinking about how Mac might be hungry. She didnt have to do that. She could have just shown up at his place..) I mean how can they write two people so perfectly in sync and so perfect for each other and not have them end up together? It would just be a waste of all that tension and slow burn. (not to mention all the hugs and glances)

2. They know we exist. 

The MacRiley fam is very active on twitter with the writers and while they were writing 5x01 they knew we were around. They know we are a huge group. They would not want to risk pissing 90% of the fandom off by not making MacRiley endgame.

[P.S.yes 5x03 was a bait and switch but if you were paying attention you would have noticed that neither Lucas not Tristan live tweeted or hyped up the episode. They knew we would probably hate it so they didnt publicise it too much! so in the future if you have doubts about the episode being a MacRiley one just check their stories or posts on twitter/intstagram]

3. Yes 5x03 happened. 

I really think it was an episode they HAD to write. Ok so after 4x13 they had 7 more episodes planned and were filming 4x20 (aka the finale) when the pandemic struck. So they have these 6 episodes but no finale for it. [Idk if anyone else has noticed but in 5x01 there were clearly some parts cut out. For example the conversation between Desi and Riley towards the end seemed a bit jilted. Riley asking Desi to forgive her but Desi replied with yeah we are cool (still no apology ofc) I feel like something happened during that which ended up getting cut out so it could fit with the final story.]

This makes me think that they have rewritten a few bits to tie into the new finale episode. In 5x03 when Mac asked Desi to come fishing with him which was clearly something very personal to him she was like no do better.. then we see Mac's disappointed expression. She could have easily said okay but maybe not for our first date? Or its not really my thing? Or just about anything else rather than laughing in his face like that. Eventhough MD is together they still arent compatible. Mac’s final words in 5x03 was him being desperate. I truly think he is so broken and lost that Desi is the only safe thing left, the only thing he feels like he can fix right now. Once he finds himself again and heals...then it's going to hit him like a pile of bricks!!

4. But Riley doesn't have feelings anymore...WELL doesnt she? 

When it comes to Mac, Riley is always in denial. We saw it in s4 when she tells Bozer not to make her say it. I think s5 will show her finally accepting it. Finally accepting that she is in love with her best friend and that it definitely isnt Codex adrenaline because she caught the feels when Codex wasnt even around. While Mac's arc would include realising he and Desi are never going to work and that he is unhappy and that RILEY is the one for him.

[why else would they give Riley feelings for Mac? Something has to come of it.]

5. The slow burn rule.[this point is a lil complicated] 

Now season 5 is rumoured to have 13 episodes. So here’s what I think: If MacGyver follows the pattern that most shows do when it comes to slow burns, then technically MacRIley should have happened at the end of season 4. But since the season got cut short and they didnt get to air/finish their final episode the writers had to improvise. 

From what I know, 4x19 which is 5x04 for us is the episode where Mac meets Desi’s parents and 4x20 was supposed to be the finale that was left unfinished.(they are definitely moving the timeline ahead if a pre finale episode is suddenly a mid season one.) There might have been a 4x21 or 4x22 but I haven't heard anything about those....EVER.

So what I think they have decided to do instead is extend the MD storyline a bit longer just so they dont end up scrapping all their s4 episodes where they would be together and write a new finale that ties everything together, aka MacRiley.

If you think about episode counts, s4 and s5 together would have 26 episodes which is a how long a normal season runs. Basically what im trying to say is if we follow the ‘slow burns end by s4’ and take season 5 as an extension of 4 then MacRiley should get together in the season 5 finale or maybe the episode just before. (IM REALLY TRYING TO GET SOME LOGIC INTO THIS)

This would be a typical TV thing too where the couple finds out about each other’s feelings while the main arc of the show is also at its peak, which perfectly sets up a future season where fans are hyped but still has a satisfying ending.

6. So what about MacDesi?

So far the macgyver writers have given us characters we love. Think of every character on the show apart from maybe Desi... Mac, Riley, Bozer, Jack, Matty, Leanna, Samantha, Russ and even Murdoc. WE LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. So then why is Desi such a strange character? I think shes purposely been written as an opposite to Mac or even Riley (I get she’s supposed to kinda replace Jack but Jack is really irreplaceable). 

It's not necessarily a bad thing its just not a great thing to do or have great execution. People have said things like Desi is a badass and shouldnt have to apologise or say I love you back to her boyfriend because she is a strong woman...I'm sorry but your opinion of who a strong woman is, is EXTREMELY skewed. A strong woman is someone who can make mistakes and when she does, she is ‘strong’ enough to own up to it, she is loyal and fierce and also caring while being a badass who can take down bad guys. And for GODS SAKE, RILEY DAVIS IS A STRONG WOMAN...people have called her mushy and feminine on twitter and I'm just very confused by that.....

Anyways before I go off on a rant, it seems like Desi is intentionally being written this way. Every opportunity they get to redeem her and make her more relatable or just a better person they just dont take it. While Rileys character arc is one of the best I've ever seen. Either its intentional or they’ve forgotten how to write characters...which is worrisome but ill give them the benefit of the doubt.

The writers also know we dont like Desi. The amount of times we've tagged them in the toxic posts or pointed out problematic things we can be sure they've seen at least half of those. So theres no way they dont know. RIGHT?

So why then is MD still a thing you may ask??

Well for one they cant break them up again off screen because of those unreleased s4 episodes. (not to mention the other parts of the audience who arent as invested in mac’s love life would probably be very confused.)

Secondly Mac has to be the one to pull the plug, not Desi. 4x13 made it seem like Desi was the annoyed one not Mac. He apologised to her which meant he wanted to fix things. 

Thirdly, they are opening the chpt one last time before they permanently close it. MD is going to be a stark contrast to macriley(it already is in every way possible). Every issue Mac and Desi had can be used to show how amazing macriley really is as two people who arent even dating yet.

Fourthly, MD being together is a sort of commentary on Macs mental health as well. We can see how happy he is with Riley but around Desi he becomes some one else. If the writers are doing this on purpose or subconsciously still remains to be seen.

And Yes keeping MD around for a few more episodes seems like a necessary risk right now but I have a feeling its going to be worth it later.

[I know we have had like 4 desi entered episodes already but I really think 5x04 will be the last of it since 5x05 is the Jack episode and 5x06 is Mac+Riley+Bozer episode with no mention of Desi at all!]

The writers know we are a dedicated bunch and they know that once MD breaks up for the last time the entire fandom will be waiting and watching. That's when the show will be at its peak. That will be the perfect moment to bring in MacRiley’s arc to a new start!

Congrats if you stuck with me through this whole thing! if you agree/disgaree with any of these or have other reasons why they could be endgame in s5 let me know!!

[danjo-ao3]

When Ashes Fall p.3

Pairing: Reaper/female Reader

Summary: You are a combat medic working for Overwatch, when a mission goes south and you cross paths with Talon mercenary Reaper. But will he kill you on the spot or is there more to this encounter?

Rating: 18+

Tags/Warnings: rape/non-con, violence, blood, emotional manipulation, blackmail, kidnapping

Word count: 52,215 (in 5 parts)

A/N: the warnings are clear on this one. Yes, there is going to be rape/non-con, and it’s going to get explicit. I strongly advise anyone who is not into that kind of story to turn back around, because this is going to get pretty heavy and will finally be the non-con story with Reaper that I had always wanted to write.

Part 3 / 5 (part 1, part 2, part 4, part 5)

***

You got ready for another day at the lab, trying to forget all about last night. Be a good little assistant to very important Dr. O’Deorain.

Casey was her cheerful self as she greeted you over the bagel she had snuck inside the lab while she cast around slightly nervous glances as the doctor had chided her once for bringing food into her lab.

“It’s silly, don’t you think? It’s not even touching anything. I’m always careful.” With a small roll of her eyes she popped the last bite into her mouth, then wiped her hands on her white coat. “So what’s up, how did that op go?”

You frowned at the mention of the mission.

“It uh, it was a success,” you offered, as you went to sit down at one of the tables with lab equipment.

“Yeah, so I’ve heard.” She followed you to the workstation and sat down next to you, but only after pushing her chair a little closer to yours. Then she leaned in and lowered her voice. “I heard that you had to work with Reaper.”

Oh no.

You raised your gaze to hers, pleading with your eyes to not go there, but she just pushed her glasses up her nose and raised her eyebrows at you.

“Well, what is he like? I’ve heard so many different things about him, and I want to know which of it is true.” With a huff, she sat back in her chair, one finger at her chin and casting her eyes towards the ceiling in thought. “I only ever see him when he’s, you know—” She motioned towards the empty examination table in the middle of the room. “—when he’s knocked out.”

Your eyes followed to where she pointed. Unsure what to tell her you asked her to specify instead.

“Well, what have you heard?” Maybe she’d get that you didn’t feel like talking about it the more you got her to rant.

“That he,” She got closer again. “That he drains people.”

A shiver ran down your spine.

“They say that when you’re lucky, he’ll shoot you with those shotguns he carries around. But if not, he’ll leave you a husk.” By the end of her sentence she was almost whispering, like she was telling a ghost story by the campfire.

A husk. That was kind of what you’d felt like after that encounter.

Your gaze fell to the floor. “I actually didn’t see him in action, he went alone. I was simply...patching him back up after it was all done.”

Casey sat back, her curious expression turning to one of disappointment. “Oh well, what a shame. I bet he’s really scary in action.”

You couldn’t believe her. As if working alongside a homicidal murderer was anything but terrifying and to avoid at all cost. Scary wasn’t even beginning to cut it. Red shining orbs flitted through your memory and had you suppress a shiver.

“Yeah, I guess.” You answered meekly.

“Are you alright?” Casey cocked her head to the side, the messy bun on her head flipping along.

“Sure, I’m just tired.” It was true, you were still feeling drained from all the healing you’d had to do. You wouldn’t be up to your normal self for at least another day, that was for sure.

“How bad was it? I remember once when he was here—you should have seen it—he’d been barely able to hold shape, it had seemed like his entire left arm was missing.” She shook herself in abhorrence. “But, as usual, he made a full recovery. If you can call it that, I suppose.”

You winced. Surely, it couldn’t have been worse than what you’d seen the night before. The image of that dark mass, mist swirling around and shifting in and out of human shape, would haunt you for the rest of your life.

“It was pretty bad.” What an understatement. “But, aside from the worst of his wounds, he seemed to be able to heal himself pretty effectively. How exactly does he do that?” Now that you remembered, he had not called upon you for the first half hour or so, until the mist had finally decided on where to take form.

Casey blew out a frustrated breath. “I wouldn’t know. Dr. O’Deorain doesn’t tell me the details of her work on him. Only the necessary parts, to get him back into shape. But what is in the serum that I administer, I don’t know. She’s very secretive about that project of hers.”

Well, whatever was in it seemed to be responsible for the state he was in, you were sure of it. Wraith serum, your brain helpfully provided, and you suppressed a sarcastic laugh. Ridiculous!

The rest of your day was uneventful, thankfully. You worked alongside Casey in the lab to get some tests done on a few blood samples, put a couple of liquids in the centrifuge and took notes while Casey examined slides under the microscope. It was nice. Distraction.

Only when you went to bed that evening, new nightmares plagued you. They came every night now. Terrifying you in different ways. Sometimes your mind provided a visual manifestation of your fears, but mostly it was just this feeling of darkness creeping over you, consuming you in every possible way and stealing the air from your lungs. Replacing precious oxygen with black mist that made you feel like drowning.

Every early morning you woke with a start, sometimes with a hoarse shout, other times with your breath choking on a silent scream. Always with a frantically beating heart that would take a while to calm down. This was starting to adversely affect the amount of rest you got. You felt tired all the time, when you tried to concentrate it was almost impossible to focus for more than five minutes. All of that was giving you regular headaches now.

Today marked a week since your mission with Reaper. You wiped at moist eyes after this night’s terror. Sluggishly, you got to the bathroom and took a quick shower. Those always helped to calm you down, to get the adrenalin out of your bloodstream.

When you were ready and dressed, you made your way to the lab, where Casey was already pipetting on the work table. She was always present when you got in, it was almost like she was sleeping there. First to come, last to leave.

“Morning, Casey. Already at it again, huh?”

She answered without looking away from where she was currently squeezing blue liquid onto a clear gel. “Yep, you know me. Always working.”

You smiled to yourself, Casey was the one constant in your life right now that made you feel an inkling of normalcy. In another life you might have even called her a friend. But here, at Talon, you weren’t naïve enough to believe even for a second that any one of those people thought you to be more than a tool.

The smile on your face fell flat, and you turned away to get a lab coat from the small locker in the corner. As you opened the narrow metallic door, the fine hairs at the back of your neck stood on end. A rhythmic droning was growing louder, foreboding and practically freezing you to the spot. Your eyes were staring unseeing at the coats when the door to the lab burst open.

You already knew who had entered the room, even without looking. The thunderous sound had been footsteps, you realized.

Shaking yourself minutely, you grabbed a coat, shrugged it on and closed the locker door silently.

Dr. O’Deorain had entered, her usual severe look on her face, followed by no one other than Reaper.

Your heart dropped. Somehow you had hoped to never see him again, even if it was delusional. He was dressed in his usual getup, right from the white mask on his face to thick black boots on his feet.

“Good morning,” Casey said cheerfully in greeting as she swiveled around on her stool with a smile, pipette still in hand. You didn’t miss how she took extra care to momentarily pause her work for the doctor.

“Yes, yes. Serum administration in two minutes,” Dr. O’Deorain said dismissively while she walked towards a table in the far corner. Reaper was already sitting down on the examination table, his armour creaking and clanking faintly.

You still stood with your back to the locker, not realizing that you had pressed yourself against it. Now that Reaper had sat down, he saw you. But he made no sign of acknowledgement aside from a small tilt of his head in recognition. Your heart had started to pound quite frantically.

Maybe you could excuse yourself, tell the doctor that you were ill or something. But just as you were about to open your mouth to ask, did Dr. O’Deorain address you.

“Please, come over here.”

Hesitantly, you peeled yourself away from the locker and made your way over to where she was standing over something. It was your amplifying glove that she had given you.

“Yes, doctor?”

“I would like for you to demonstrate how you use the glove. Testing has been rather rudimentary.” She sounded thoughtful, then lifted the object and proffered it to you. “The results from yesterday speak for themselves,” She went on with the faintest hint of a proud smile, “but I want to observe it myself.”

Your eyes darted from the glove to her face.

“Yeah, about that,” You began, and picked up the item carefully, but did not put it on yet. “It doesn’t seem to work.”

Dr. O’Deorain frowned.

“Nonsense. You used it, didn’t you?”

“I tried, but it hurt too much, too quickly.”

She looked mildly upset with that frown of hers as she made a thoughtful sound. Finally, she seemed to have come to a conclusion.

“You will show me, only that way I’ll know what might be wrong with it.” And with those final words she went to the corner and approached a cabinet. Her long fingers deftly entered a code and with a small beep, the door opened for her. Inside was quite a big apparatus that she grabbed and put on like a backpack. There were gloves attached to it as well and she proceeded to put them on. With a final tug at her left hand, she approached Reaper who was still sitting on the table, metal spikes and claws glinting faintly in the overhead lights.

About one and a half meters away from him she came to a stop, her left hand extended in front and aimed at the man on the table. Then something clicked and you could see an instantaneous connection between Reaper and Dr. O’Deorain. It was a kind of beam, very thin and purple-ish in color.

Reaper jerked and grunted when the beam connected with him. It was gyrating and twisting maliciously as it moved from him towards the doctor.

The sound he’d made had you bite down on your cheek, a faint pain blossoming in your mouth, the taste of blood spread and you swallowed subconsciously. You took a small step backwards, eyes glued to the now faintly purple glowing mask of Reaper, whose head snapped in your direction at your movement. It made you stop in your tracks, commanded your attention. As he was staring at you and the doctor used that beam on him, you could hear his clawed hands tightening on the metal of the table. The scratching sound was like nails on chalkboard, goosebumps rose on your arms in discomfort and you hugged yourself.

The urge to get out was making you tremble.

On the doctor’s back, the apparatus was equipped with a big, clear tube that was slowly starting to fill with purple liquid, or was it mist? You couldn’t tell. The longer she held that beam active, the more of the tube was filled. But it seemed to also have an effect on Reaper. He was starting to bend forward, his arms were slightly shaking where he gripped the table edge hard enough to leave marks, and his breath came in short huffs. He seemed to be in pain.

Your eyes wandered from Reaper’s hunched over form toward that of Dr. O’Deorain’s, who was still standing tall with her arm stretched out and connected with that beam of hers. Her face was gleaming in delight, eyes wide, her mouth split in a grin and in that moment you realized that this woman was just as dangerous as that masked maniac sitting to your right.

“Yes,” she said softly, almost inaudible over the hum of the beam. What was she doing? With a worried glance you checked for Casey, who was watching the whole ordeal from her seat not too far away, and—was she taking notes?

Abruptly, the humming stopped, the purple light vanished and the doctor withdrew her arm with a satisfied smile. She studied her left hand for a second, before her sharp, mismatched eyes met yours.

“All right, it’s your turn,” She addressed you curtly and nodded toward the amplifying glove.

“What—” You looked between her and Reaper uncertainly. “What was that?”

She chuckled as she removed her equipment and stowed it away again.

“This piece of cutting edge technology is my Biotic Grasp.” She explained, pride evident in her voice. With a swift motion, she produced a small drone from her pocket and placed it in mid air in front of her, where the little machine started to float and whirr softly. Next to her lay a data pad that she used to command the drone and have it float towards Reaper, little laser beams scanning his vitals.

You still stood there, a good few meters away from either of them, your hands balled into fists.

Dr. O’Deorain watched the data pad intently, while she kept explaining. “The beam you just saw is a derivative of the nanite technology, not unlike the one you have. But instead of regenerating someone, it does the opposite: it saps their energy. Their life force.”

Holy shit.

“I never understood why it was the medic’s duty to offer so much of themselves, when all the required energy is around, ripe for the taking. To redistribute as one sees fit. Enemies are always aplenty, especially in combat situations.”

Her monologue had you realize that she herself must have been a combat medic at one point.

“With this technology, I can equip anybody to do the required work, no training necessary.” A few taps to the pad and the drone hovered around Reaper to his backside, still scanning busily.

“I even managed to go further than that.” Her eyes flashed, your heartbeat accelerated. “I was able to directly implement this technology into the human body.” She laid aside the data pad and approached Reaper, who was still visibly struggling to even sit straight. Her hand reached out and boldly removed his mask.

Black mist rose in plumes from the hood, but from where you stood, you couldn’t see anything, his head was turned down and the darkness was hiding his features.

“It does still have a few... side effects,” she murmured, then used one finger underneath Reaper’s chin to lift his head enough for you to see his face.

You held your breath.

This was the first time when no smoke could conceal him, no darkness; when you were fully conscious and your sight not hindered by anything. The first time had been glances into a dark pond, in the twilight of evening, where the depths of it had been nigh invisible and only the blood red moon had been reflected on its surface. The second time was during midday, the sunrays penetrating the water and illuminating the very ground of the pond, even though it was still murky.

But this time?

This time it was as if the entire pond had been emptied, the unforgiving sun had evaporated all the water, only a few traces of mist remained. And you could see everything.

His eyes were currently closed, a deep frown edged into his brow and a scowl twisted his mouth and revealed pearly white sharp teeth.

The scars were even more prominent now than they had previously been, they were numerous and seemed to be very old. He’d have looked like a normal man—who had gone through some rough shit—hadn’t it been for the greyish tint to his skin that made him look deceased.

Finally, his eyes opened, slowly blinking upward towards the light.

Again, your heart dropped.

The garish lamps overhead cast their light directly into the red orbs of his eyes, making them glow brighter than you’d ever seen before. He blinked once, then their fiery red fell onto Dr. O’Deorain.

She still had her index finger underneath his chin, tilted his face towards herself, and beckoned for the little drone to approach. The small lasers scanned Reaper’s retinas, he didn’t even blink; he simply stared ahead, seeing right through the doctor.

Now that you could see his face in its entirety, you got the feeling that he looked familiar. But you couldn’t remember how.

The little drone beeped softly, signalling that its scan was complete, and Dr. O’Deorain let go of the man in front of her to once again consult the data pad.

Slowly, Reaper let his head fall forward again, but not before his eyes found yours.

It was like staring into the eyes of the devil. Had you been Catholic, you’d have crossed yourself. Even so, the urge to do it made you hug yourself even tighter.

You couldn’t look away, even though he was obviously weakened by whatever the doctor had done to him, he was still able to hold himself up. Slowly, his mouth opened, even more black mist rising from it, like cigarette smoke. Paired with the look he gave you it was very...suggestive.

You bristled and averted your eyes.

Casey was still busily writing things down from where she sat a few meters away.

“Go on now,” Dr. O’Deorain reminded you impatiently from the left.

You couldn’t postpone it any longer, with an internal sigh, you went and put on the doctor’s glove. Casting wary glances at Reaper, you went as far as was necessary, which was still closer than you liked, extended your arm and prepared yourself for the worst.

Unsure of where to aim—there were no visible wounds or anything—you directed the gentle golden spray at his chest, where it dissipated into nothing on contact. After a few seconds, he was already starting to relax, his grip on the table was loosening, as were his drawn shoulders. The scowl on his face remained though, that was probably permanent...

Just when Reaper released a quiet breath of relief, did you feel the numbness spread out and up your entire arm. This time, the following pain came with a vengeance.

You tried to suppress the grunt, but it came so quickly and unbidden, that it was impossible. Reaper seemed to be studying you now, no longer looking through you. His red eyes were jumping from your hand, to your forearm, and finally landed on your face.

As his breathing was becoming calmer and easier, yours was starting to grow heavy. Keeping your arm extended was proving to be too much already, you had to use the other arm for support, wondering when this was done.

All the while Dr. O’Deorain was standing to your right, rapt with attention at witnessing her creation.

“I—I can’t. This is too much,” you ground out and already wanted to move away again, but suddenly the doctor pulled you into her and took a firm hold of your arms.

“You’re not done yet,” she said right next to your ear and a shiver ran through you at the memory of those same words spoken by the very man sitting in front of you.

The sheer surprise of having the doctor reacting in that way and to manhandle you like that, had you in shock. For someone who was usually sitting in a lab, she was surprisingly strong. The grip she was having on you was unforgiving.

Now you were left to watch as the spray kept coming, your arm was cramping up so badly you wondered if it was ever going to relax again.

As your eyes were now fixed on your arm, held tightly in Dr. O’Deorain’s grip, you saw your veins standing out in dark contrast to your skin. They were shimmering with a bluish tint.

“Hng!” you exclaimed. The pain was almost intolerable. “Please, doctor—”

“Just a little more.”

You whimpered, face scrunched up in agony.

Then you heard Reaper snarl, your eyes shot up to his face, black mist was starting to rise from him again. The look on his face was exuding annoyance. His hand came forward to snatch your arm out of the doctor’s grip; she was just as surprised as you were, because she let go immediately, letting him pull you away from her.

Even though he was still wearing his gauntlets, he was able to deftly peel off the glove from your numb hand with ease. His claws left white marks where they lightly scratched against your skin, but you barely felt it.

You just stood there, passively letting him work, watching while you caught your breath.

When he had finally managed to remove the glove completely, he flung it at Dr. O’Deorain, who caught it with an almost comical expression of surprise.

“Back to the drawing board, doc,” he said drily.

Watching the many emotions flitting over Dr. O’Deorain’s face was both alarming, but also strangely satisfying.

With a final huff of indignation, the doctor turned on her heel, glove in hand, and made a beeline for the exit.

Almost immediately, Casey jumped up from her spot and hurried after the doctor and out of the lab.

You grimaced.

A light tug on your hand made you realize that Reaper was still holding it, now examining the many purple veins adorning your skin.

Now that the glove was off, you could finally see the full damage it had wrought. With a shocked gasp, you reflexively pulled free of the man’s loose hold on you and studied your skin with horror.

The discoloration wasn’t like anything you’d ever seen before. Like ugly bruises they were criss-crossing all over your skin. Were these going to be permanent, would they be there until the end of your life?

Tears threatened to spill from your burning eyes. This was a nightmare...it couldn’t be true. Your arm looked like it was dying, like it could fall off any minute now.

Feeling faint, you backed up until you hit the workbench behind you, felt blindly for a stool and slowly sank down onto it. But even though your world was crashing down around you, no tears were coming.

“This is all your fault,” you accused Reaper. Instead of breaking down in tears, your body decided it was feeling aggressive instead, and even though you were mostly angry at the doctor right now, the only one whom you could antagonize was Reaper. And you had enough reason to be mad at him, too.

There was no reaction from where he still sat on the examination table. Why was he still here, anyway?

“If it hadn’t been for you, I’d be with my friends right now, drinking coffee and doing fun shit or something.” Well, it was partially true. There wasn’t always a lot of time for people in Overwatch to actually do anything besides training, paper work, or going on missions. But there had been the occasional meetup over coffee and a nice piece of strawberry cake.

“If it hadn’t been for me, you’d be dead,” Reaper finally answered in his gravelly voice, then got off the table to land on the floor with a loud thud from his steel boots.

Your head whipped around to glare at him.

“Better off dead than being a pawn for terrorists and murderers!”

The man crossed his arms in front of himself, the scowl on his face deepening. “You think working for Overwatch is morally superior?”

“Obviously.”

He tsked.

“Overwatch is a joke. Always has been.”

“Right, I bet you know all about it,” you said sarcastically, idly rubbing your right arm back to life.

“I do.”

All right, you would bite.

“How?”

“I was there.” He reached for his abandoned mask that lay on the workbench beside you, heavy footsteps making you tense as he approached.

“Before it was disbanded, Overwatch was a giant façade for some of the richest people in the world to play war.” Mask in hand, he looked at it pensively. “We all were pawns for them, given the illusion of being in command. We were, sort of. I commanded my team in the shadows, we were the ones who didn’t even have to play by Overwatch’s official rules.”

Slowly, you realized he was talking about Blackwatch and goosebumps rose on your skin. It couldn’t be. Maybe that’s why he seemed so familiar.

Finally, he looked at you, but his eyes were far away, in the past.

“The ones up top, those we never got to meet, they were pulling the strings. And we were the expendable private militia they could send to their enemies in their stead.”

He turned to you. “Nothing we were told to do was ever for the greater good,” he finished, the light in his red eyes burning.

“Even if all of this were true, why not fight it from the inside then? Instead, you decided to go full maniac and became an official bad guy?” You were treading on thin ice, but he must have been lying to you. Never before had you heard any of these accusations, they sounded baseless and frankly, ludicrous.

You were familiar with Overwatch history, at least the official stories they’d taught you at the beginning at orientation. Had they omitted these details?

The ghost of a smile flitted across his features. “I decided to fight fire with fire.” Then he leaned against the tabletop with his claws resting against its surface, aligning himself to you two side by side with just a few meters in between.

You snorted.

“Is this why you run around dressed like that?” You pointed at his getup, it felt good to poke fun at him like this. But you were also wary about how far you could to push him.

But even as you spoke that last sentence, Reaper suddenly narrowed his eyes at you. It wasn’t in anger, though, but rather in intrigue. He was staring openly at your neck. Self-consciously, you let go of your right arm to reach up to the spot instead.

It was the same one that Ogundimu had inspected after your mission. This particular memory, how he had brushed away your hair, it opened the floodgates to all the other things that had happened on that night.

You were shocked that he was still able to see it. When you’d tried to catch a glimpse of it in a mirror, it was almost impossible because of its position so far back. And the mission had been like a week ago, the mark—whatever it was—should have faded by now.

“I’ve gotta go,” you blurted and abruptly stood from the stool, almost toppling it over in your haste.

You didn’t get very far, your wrist was gripped tightly by a hard, cold steel gauntlet stopping you from leaving. In a state of shock and disbelief you saw your badly discolored arm in his claws around it, and like a wild animal caught in a snare, your body went into fight or flight mode.

With jerking movements, you pulled hard to get free, you threw your entire weight away from where he held you and even kicked at him.

“Stop that,” he grunted, but only sounded mildly disgruntled, and somehow that made you calm down enough to stop your struggling.

“Let me go,” you demanded, emphasizing your point with a tug. But he didn’t let go. Instead, he studied your damaged hand.

“I must know…” he said ominously and removed one gauntlet with his teeth. It clattered on the tabletop noisily, making you jump. The skin of his hand was darker than that of his face, you noticed, as he used the pads of three fingers to lightly touch your bluish forearm.

“W—what are you doing?” You demanded to know, trying to pull away again.

He hummed darkly in thought, tracing small patterns on your skin. The motion sent shivers up your arm and through your entire body. Your eyes anxiously darted between where he was currently touching you and his face. The sensation was disconcerting, but also—you were hesitant to admit—kind of pleasant. A faint blush spread on your cheeks.

All of a sudden, he used the grip he had on your wrist to pull you a little closer and took a hold of your other hand as well.

“Hey!” you exclaimed, and once again tried to break free. And once again, failed.

With all the time in the world, and the strength of a fucking machine, he raised your good arm and laid your hand against the side of his neck, then held it in place.

Now you were...touching him, you felt so repelled by the mere thought of it, that your face twisted in abhorrence.

“Heal me,” he commanded in a low voice.

The audacity. Anger rose up inside you.

“Fuck you!” You uttered with vigor and stubbornly held still without doing a thing for him. What would he need healing for, anyway; you’d just healed him mere minutes ago. He was insatiable!

He growled.

“Do it.”

You pushed your luck.

“No.”

The two of you stared at each other in varying degrees of frustration.

What were you doing? Reaper could easily tear you apart if he so desired, why were you defying him like that? A small voice answered how the last time you healed him through direct touch it resulted in things that still caused you nightmares to this day.

With a snarl, the man pulled you into him and to the side, to push you on top of the examination table. He followed closely, to pin both your wrists to the tabletop, right next to your head. You lay there awkwardly, while your upper body was on the table, your feet still touched the ground lightly, and Reaper now stood over you, holding you down. He was right in your face, too.

“Do you have a death wish, girl?” He was furious, the glowing red orbs of his eyes were burning brightly, dark mist was rising off of him in waves. You guessed he wasn’t used to people not following his orders. All you could do was stare, your head was still spinning from where it had hit the steel table. It hurt like a bitch. Your spine too, how it was bent so uncomfortably.

When you didn’t answer fast enough, his eyes narrowed, his gaze flitted over your face. Finally, he shifted, moved in between your legs so they fell open and around his thighs.

Your blush deepened and your heart stuttered.

“Or is it something else you wish for,” he murmured, eyes falling to your lips.

Oh god, no.

You blinked through the headache and weakly started to struggle again. Of course, you couldn’t even move him a millimeter.

“Nng—don’t…” you gasped, averting your eyes to the side when you couldn’t dislodge him.

Surprisingly, he let go of your wrists, instead his fingers tilted your head towards him. You would never get used to these eyes, you thought, as you were forced to look into them once more.

“Heal me,” he repeated himself, a solemn expression on his ashen face.

You shivered, silently pleading for him to just stop. But the determination in his eyes told you that he was ready to go as far as he needed in order to get what he wanted.

You swallowed the lump in your throat.

Arm shaking, you slowly reached for his face. That was the only place where you could touch his skin, and as you did so you had to push down the fear of the consequences. He was watching your hand as it moved, the last centimeter was the hardest part. You were hoping he might help by closing the distance, but he stayed in place. Then you finally touched him, your fingers twitching.

Concentrating on your breathing, which was way too fast, you sent out a gentle wave of healing. It took only a second before Reaper closed his eyes and exhaled in satisfaction.

His breath faintly brushed against your face, he was that close.

You kept the healing stream low on purpose, you’d already given it your all to heal him with Dr. O’Deorain’s glove. No need to go all in this time.

To an outsider this must have looked like a scene between two lovers; the way he was bent over you and you practically cradling his face while he obviously enjoyed what you were doing… good thing there was nobody else present.

His eyes were still closed as you felt his fingers loosen their hold on your chin to gently brush down the front of your neck.

“W—wait,” you stammered and momentarily broke the contact on his face. As you had feared the direct healing was having the same effect on him as the last time.

The second your palm left his cheek, his eyes flew open and his still gloved hand shot up to press it back into place. “More,” he growled in that eerie, dark voice.

If you kept going like this you would collapse again, it was simply too much. That damn glove did something to your nanites that seemed to make them work in overdrive and use all your resources at once. At least that’s what it felt like.

“I think that’s enough,” you said meekly and simply stopped the healing output, glassy eyes staring at Reaper, probably not without an air of a challenge in them.

When he felt the healing stop altogether, Reaper scowled. “I say when it’s enough.”

“No!” You’ve had it up to here with him. “No, you don’t! I get to say when it’s done. And I say it is done,” you yelled and snatched your hand out of his to cradle against your chest. “I’m not your personal health pack!” Just damn this man to hell.

At your blatant display of insubordination, he went through multiple stages of disbelief and anger, followed by one of his growls.

In the blink of an eye he had grabbed you under the thighs and pushed you completely on top of the table, crawled over you, put a knee between your legs and pressed against your core roughly with how he held himself on top.

When you wanted to protest against him manhandling you like that, he simply brought his hand that was still in the gauntlet, up and around your throat, effectively cutting off any of your words. The only thing that left your mouth were short gasps now.

He bared his teeth at you, his fiery red orbs almost burning a hole through your skull.

You whimpered.

“I am—” he began loudly, then stopped to think over his words. “I haven’t felt... anything like this in…” he drifted off, eyes darting between different spots on your face. You wondered what he saw there, what he was trying to tell you all of a sudden. Not that you were the least bit interested to know the inner machinations of this utter lunatic. Maybe when this was all over you’d write a book about it, you would call it ‘My Life With The Murderer’.

Only that when this was going to be over, you’d likely be dead.

“Why do you do it?” The question startled you, what did he even mean? You’d done as he’d asked, you’d healed him. Simple as that.

Your frown deepening, you mouthed your answer and that’s when he must have realized that his heavy hand on your windpipe was hindering your speech. He loosened it just a fraction and you breathed in as deeply as it allowed you to.

“I don’t know what—”, you coughed, “what you mean.”

“No. You know,” he ground out and leaned forward a fraction. “Why, mariquita? Is it to weaken me, to catch me off guard?” He hummed, his voice had taken on a velvety smoothness to its coarse undertones and it made your shiver. “Someone set you up to do this.” Again, he searched your face while his eyes squinted. “Was it Akande, Maximilien?”

The way he seemed to be convinced that somebody had ordered you to, what, seduce him made you exhale in a short hysterical laugh. What utter nonsense.

But your laughing made him tighten the grip on your neck again, he didn’t seem to find this the least bit funny.

“If that is what you tried to achieve, then I’ll give them what they want.” And with those words he closed the distance to press his mouth against yours.

With wide eyes you stared into his, panic rising in your chest. The sheer malice on his face was not a good sign for what was about to come. Then you remembered that your hands were currently free and you pushed at him with all your might. But he just gripped your throat harder, the pressure inside your head was painful, and the lack of air had you open your mouth to gasp.

Reaper used that opening to lick inside and over your tongue. The smell and taste of him were assaulting your senses just like the constant pressure against your neck and groin. Failing to push him off, your hands flew to his wrist where he was cutting your airflow off instead.

Your eyes were burning, tears were gathering at the corners and a single one traced down the side of your face to disappear into your hairline. This was it, just a few more seconds and you’d suffocate. Black spots were dancing at the edges of your vision, your muscles spasmed with the lack of oxygen in your blood, and you whimpered.

When he pulled away it was like coming up from deep water, as if you broke its surface and could finally breathe again. Everything hurt, but especially your chest and your head. You moaned in pain in between deep breaths. The cold from the metallic examination table was seeping into your bones and had them ache as well.

It took you a little while to get your breathing under control again, your numb fingers had slipped off his gauntlet and fallen limply to the side, but he still had a secure hold on you. Finally, you managed to look him in the eyes again.

You were at his mercy once more, your life was literally in his hands. Already his grip threatened to tighten again.

When you tried to speak, it only came out as a whisper. “Please,” you swallowed and another tear ran down your face. “No more.”

You couldn’t do this again, the choking was a horror you hadn’t ever experienced before and it had you on edge so much you thought you might have a heart attack.

The malice that had previously distorted his face had ebbed down a bit, he seemed to be more pensive right now with how he was watching your face and let his gaze wander over your heaving chest. Finally, his gauntlet left your neck to brush down your front, claws scratching you unpleasantly and sending shivers down your spine.

Wordlessly, he moved his hand over your chest where your lab coat had fallen open and lightly squeezed your breast through your thin shirt, his talons dangerously close to piercing your skin.

You held your breath in fear, there was nothing you could do to deter him if he wanted to do... that to you, and the realization had you sniffling pathetically as you turned your head to the side.

Meanwhile his gauntlet moved further down your belly to push under the hem of your shirt. The cold, pointy ends of his claws made you shiver violently as they moved to where your bra was, bunching up your top in the process. The razor sharp tips of his talons made short work of your bra, it snapped in half right in the middle, and you flinched at the feeling of the elastic going slack.

You hid your face in the crook of your shoulder when he bared you to his gaze, light tremors running through your entire body.

For a while, nothing happened. He cruelly left you anticipating his next move.

Then, gradually, you felt him shift above you, his fingertips lightly brushed between your breasts and circled around your left nipple, pebbling it in the process. It tickled, made you squirm. When he rolled it between two fingers, you tensed and tried to turn away and to the side, but bumped into his arm that he currently used to prop himself above you.

“Don’t be shy now, mariquita,” he murmured, suddenly very close to your ear, you could feel his breath on your skin. “We’re just getting started. This is what you’ve been sent to do.”

Oh god, you’d never recover from this. This was the most nightmarish, fucked up excuse for foreplay you could imagine.

He kept breathing in your ear, nipping at the lobe and lightly kissing your neck while his hand kept playing with your nipple.

Soon, the blush was returning to your cheeks. As fucked up as it was, it was still foreplay, and your body reacted to the stimuli it was given, regardless of its source.

“I—I wasn’t sent by...by anyone!”

“Don’t fucking lie to me,” he growled, but kept his ministrations gentle. It was messing with your head. Your anxiety level was through the roof.

“I’m not…” you sobbed, trailing off. This was not helping at all, it was no use. He wouldn’t believe you.

“I know it was me who found you,” Reaper started, “but it was Akande who teamed us up. I had wondered what his intentions had been.” He kept fondling your breasts, and even though you were terrified, your body was starting to get aroused with it. Tingles went down between your legs, made you want to press them together, but Reaper’s armored knee was still nestled against you intimately.

He hummed in thought. “I will find out why you...” he nosed into your neck, “affect me so. A little indulgence in the meantime won’t hurt.”

Won’t hurt you, you thought bitterly.

Reaper’s knee ground against you, so hard that it pushed you up the table with it. The shock of it had you tilt your head back towards him, ready to protest again.

But he simply kissed away any words that had been on your tongue. He was rougher now than before, his mouth forcing yours to open wide and he invaded it boldly with his tongue. It was an all consuming kind of kiss, one that would have you swooning had you not been lying down already. Still, it made your head swim and your legs shake where they tried to squeeze together around Reaper’s thick thigh. He groaned at the feeling of you squirming around him, his bare hand moving from your breast to the fly of your jeans to pop open the button.

His mouth was still slotted against yours, stealing your breath away in a passionate dance.

You were hesitant to admit it, but it was a really good kiss, with the right partner you’d have loved it, given yourself to him without a second thought. Alas, this was Reaper, and the terror you felt at the thought of being raped by him was all consuming.

But suddenly you felt him tugging at your pants, pulling them over your hips, and another wave of sheer panic momentarily gave your head some clarity.

“No,” you pulled away from the kiss, cast fearful eyes down your body and tried to slap his hands away from where they were currently tracing along the top of your panties.

With ease, he grabbed your wrists and pinned them both above your head in his gauntlet.

“Don’t,” your voice broke on the last syllable, “please.” Tears were finally streaming down your face, you couldn’t keep it together any longer.

He paused, cocked his head.

“Poor girl,” he cooed and brushed some of the tears away with his thumb. “You are but an instrument, to be used by one and then by another. This is your place now.” He kissed your brow and drew back again, unphased by your revulsion. “This is what Akande wanted, so it is what he’ll get.” His voice turned cold. “Send him my regards.”

Apparently he was really under the impression that Ogundimu had instructed you to do this, the mere thought that maybe that was true, that Ogundimu thought of you as someone to whore out to teammates acting up made you sick to your stomach. What was the purpose of that, though? Distraction, dependency?

Reward?

Your musings were interrupted when Reaper resumed what he’d been doing previously, his bare hand moved down to your jeans and pushed them down, along with your panties, until they bunched around your knees.

To get them further down though, he had to momentarily get off of you, and it was in that moment that you saw your chance to get out. His hold on your wrists was easily broken when he was so focused on your bottom half. One hard tug and your hands were free, twisting to the side you managed to dodge his renewed attempt at catching you and your legs could slide out beneath him on the smooth metal of the examination table. The fall to the floor was painful, but the adrenalin in your system helped to ignore it as you collected your limbs underneath you and got up to your feet. A quick tug on your pants and you had them up around your hips again, the way to the door beckoning you.

Four long strides and the door almost in reach, but there was a black mass swirling in front of you now. It was Reaper’s black mist, you recognized from where you had stopped in your tracks, too shocked to look away. The mist was swirling, folding in on itself and finally taking on human shape.

This was straight out of a horror novel and you yelped in surprise.

The first part of him that was truly identifiable as human were his eyes, burning through the mist in their demonic color. The rest of his face followed suit, then his body materialized, already reaching out for you.

Too late you stumbled backwards.

In the blink of an eye you were whirled around and pressed against the doors that you had so desperately tried to reach a moment ago.

Reaper was holding you by the arms, a manic glint in his eye.

“You think you can run from me?” He sounded amused and it was almost convincing, hadn’t it been for the way his hands held you in a vice like grip, painfully tight.

That had been your very last chance of escape.

His rhetorical question hung above you heavily. No, you didn’t actually think that, it had been a knee jerk reaction of your body to flee.

“I’m—” His gauntlet on your mouth stopped you mid-sentence. He had pushed even closer to be able to release one of your arms and shush you like this. You cast wary eyes his way and saw that he was looking off to the side.

It seemed like he was listening for something.

Then you heard it: footsteps were fast approaching from the outside. Your eyes went wide. Who was coming to the lab? Were they going to try and come inside? Maybe you could cry for help…

Any hope that dared to blossom in your heart was crushed by the realization that nobody in this building was likely to help you at all, especially with Reaper. You were convinced that most people were afraid of him, yourself included. Hell, you were the president of club Reaper Is Scary.

With his finger against his lips Reaper signaled for you to be silent, not that you could have made a sound anyway. The sound grew ever louder and finally they came to a stop on the other side of the door.

You strained your ears for any clues on who it might be, but all you could hear was the blood rushing in your ears.

Then, a knock.

It almost made your heart stop right then and there. Wide eyed you stared at the man in front of you, not daring to make a sound. You were acutely aware of how Reaper was pressed to you, all hard edges and cold metal.

Casey called your name from outside. “Hey, are you there?” Her voice sounded muffled through the thick walls. “I forgot my keycard when I left. Can you let me in?”

What would Casey say if she saw you like this, half naked with bruised lips by rough kisses from no one else but  Reaper . Would she be disgusted, or would she understand that this was not what it seemed? Really, you didn’t want to find out.

It felt like an eternity until Casey called your name and knocked one last time, followed by a silent curse and mention of finding Dr. O’Deorain to let her in, that told you she was going to leave and come back at a later time. Her footsteps disappeared down the hall.

You had closed your eyes in fear and only now cracked them open to tentatively watch what Reaper was doing. His face had softened somewhat, the fire in his eyes muted just a little. He was watching you intently, removed his hand from your mouth and took a step away from you.

Your knees buckled where you stood half leaning against the door with wild eyes, your hands fiercely clasping your lab coat to shield from view...and maybe more.

“This is not over, mariquita,” he promised darkly, then did his disappearing act again and vanished in a cloud of black mist right in front of you.

It took you a minute to breathe easy again. The darkness had lifted off of you for now, his presence was no longer looming above and you sobbed in relief. Your hands covered your face as tears were flowing freely again.

Your mind was blank, too many emotions were warring within you to make anything coherent of them. What you knew for certain was that you had to get out of this building and as far away as possible.

But what about Caleb?

[hi-rubi]

hi Rubi this is 👁 anon!! I sent you an ask off anon but I figured I’d send you another and try to say something else. I read another person’s ask that said your writing balances toxicity and redemption well, and I have to say I really agree with that. I love that you don’t shy away from having your characters do shitty things and then having them suffer through the consequences of said things. I think that’s a really mature way of exploring and handling certain darker topics, and it does show that deep down you believe (or want to believe) that people can change and evolve and be better, whether for themselves or for love etc! it’s been something I think about a lot - the way that in your stories, no one is inherently unlovable; characters who believe that eventually realize their own worth, and they learn to fight for themselves.

(sorry this is gonna get long and I hope this doesn’t count as trauma-dumping?) recently I kinda took a step back from a friendship I had with my ex-crush: I really liked him, he didn’t like me that way, and it was hard on both of us? like we changed. we were best friends for a few months and he’d be the first person I talked to when I woke and the last I talked to before I slept. at some point he called me his best friend and deliberately made time to talk to me (like he worked on his class work beforehand so he could message me during class). and when he got a lot more distant I actually would just wrestle with myself and the feelings of loneliness and rejection. I once wrote you a very rambly long anon that I’m slightly ashamed about (bc I really shouldn’t have trauma-dumped in your inbox), but anyway... I realized there were some key differences between us (funnily enough the dispute was about the Mineta update; I was like “omg not Mineta” and he was like “these people suck for looking for representation in the wrong places”) and then I realized... this wasn’t good for me. I tried to not love him (and I will say I’m not in love with him anymore for sure) but it always hurts when you’re the one that’s more invested, right? not his fault that he’s not as invested though bc we don’t owe each other anything. so yeah I’m just taking steps back to not be so dependent on him (bc it’s draining to the both of us)! (it’s kinda sad that I’d been writing in my journal since April about how sad I’d felt about him distancing himself, and that it’s taken Four Months for me to actually stand up for myself and say what I wanted to say, but at least it’s done now! that’s something to be proud of, right? I never used to stand up to people I loved. I’d internalize everything, and then my self-esteem would just sink lower and lower. I’m glad that while this guy wasn’t It for me, at least he’s decent enough and cares about my feelings.)

anyway this long rant is just for me to say that reading your fics has been cathartic for me. the first time I read your fics (I think the rich boy Shoto one), I was sobbing by the time I read to part 5. I felt really lonely and I was wishing he would love me. but like slowly as I kept reading and kept thinking and evaluating, I realized I don’t need /him/ to love me. and sure I’m not perfect and I might have some of my own kinds of toxicity, but that doesn’t mean I’m not worth loving! I’m still working hard to love myself. I’m learning to be compassionate with myself while not giving myself excuses for toxic behavior (eg passive-aggressiveness, overthinking, etc).

I just wanted to tell you that you are a beautiful person (both in and out!!). I could tell this not just from what you write, but from how you interact with the people in your inbox, whether anonymous or not. you have such a big heart, and you pour so much of yourself into your writing. I can see how it’s been both cathartic and perhaps a little destructive to keep ruminating on certain scenarios you’ve dealt with. but also I’m so glad for you that you’re starting to see more hope and light, and hopefully you’re starting to need this coping mechanism less. you are wonderful, not just in what you give others, but in what you are.

when I was looking for MHA smut in the tumblr tag I wasn’t expecting to feel all of this and to experience this change. thank you for that. know that in your journey, there are people who are rooting for you!! love, 👁 anon

p.s. I read your ask about New York and I hope you feel a little more at home now!! you sound like an amazing person to be friends with. even though I’m nowhere near New York (I’m moving from my country to the UK which is still far from NYC), I hope someday I’ll be able to befriend someone like you! and I hope you enjoy the city and the friendships and the drinking and all of it 💜 take care Rubi! known you are loved. the stars cast their love on you.

Ohhhhh my gosh. Eye anon I have so many thoughts putting under cut.

I literally went through the exact same thing. That guy was the reason I wrote half my pieces. Like, scumbag bakusquad and all these other works were about HIM. I know SO WELL how you must feel right now. It is the worst, most painful fucking feeling in the world. The only reason I got over that guy was literally because I went on Wellbutrin (an antidepressant), and I realized my fixation with him (and other guys/things in the past) was quite literally because of my mental illness.

Please, please, please, PLEASE cut him off entirely. I think you mentioned you took a step back from your friendship; I want you to stop reaching out and messaging him completely. You don't have to take my advice, but if I could go back in time and tell myself something, it would be this:

Romanticize your life. Start working out and eating healthy. Get to a point where you feel good about your body. Switch up your fashion and wear shit you'd never normally wear. Experiment with makeup. Meet and talk to as many new people as you can. Go to new places in your city, whether it's a cool new library 30 minutes away or a pretty flower exhibit at the arboretum. Fall deeply in love with your friends and your family. If I were to write a story about you: you are literally a kind, beautiful main character who is moving to the new UK for a fresh start after being hurt in the past, and learns to love herself and others in the process.

Above all, never, ever get upset with yourself for falling for someone. You are an amazing person full of so much love, and he was someone you chose to bless with your emotions. But you probably love so many other things around you- your friends, the crisp air when you go on 7 AM morning runs, the nice lady who compliments your skirt at the store....... he is not unique. He's just one lucky person that got to experience your feelings.

You see how when you romanticize your life and paint yourself as the main character of your narrative, it helps shift everything into perspective? That is what helped me get over him. While my medication did most of the heavy lifting, that mentality just changed the game for me. I hope that you can internalize that, too. It takes a ton of work but I believe in you, and I want to hear updates on how beautiful your life is!! I would also recommend writing it all in a journal/online diary of some sort.

Whoa. You brought up.... SUCH an incredible point. "I can see how it’s been both cathartic and perhaps a little destructive to keep ruminating on certain scenarios you’ve dealt with." You're so right, it was destructive. I was always so absorbed in the cathartic part of it that I was always confused why I felt so destroyed afterwards. I literally wrote that quote doc on my "romanticization" document. There's something so beautiful and poetic about that line.

Thank you so, so much for sending this in. Your incredibly sweet words made me reread this message so many times and also save it. I really really appreciate you being here and I'm so happy I met you <3 Sorry this answer was SO long but eye anon I just.......... I'm just hugging you so hard right now. It feels like I'm talking to myself from the past and I just want you to know that I know what you're going through, and you will persevere.

[badwolfwrites-sometimes]

Drawn Together: Chapter 18

This baby is 1 year old today... I feel old

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18923374/chapters/58649161

"Nonno, please!" Feliciano begged for what felt like a thousandth time that day. Ever since he learned about his grandpa's trip to Germany, he has been dead set on joining him. "Please, you know how much I want to see Germany."

Grandpa Rome resisted. He had no idea how long he would be staying in Germany in the first place, not wanting Feliciano to be away from his brothers for a long time. Plus, he had no idea if his company would even allow Feliciano to come with him. That's just extra money for hotel and food they have to give. "No, Feliciano. Plain visiting Germany isn't a good enough reason for you to come with me."

"But you can say I'm your unpaid intern and it would be a good opportunity for me." Feliciano argued. "Please let me come, Nonno."

"We'll talk later." Was the response Grandpa Rome gave him every time. Usually that later lasted about two minutes.

Feliciano sighed, deciding that this was all he was going to keep getting no matter how much he tried. He walked over to the couch where his brother and Antonio were watching TV. Antonio held back the giggle at Feliciano's dejected face. "No luck?" He asked.

Grabbing the nearest pillow, Feliciano shoved his face into it, murmuring something Antonio didn't quite understand. "Sorry?" Feliciano removed the pillow just enough for Antonio to be able to understand him properly. "I want to see Ludwig." He repeated.

Lovino rolled his eyes. "Maybe that's for the best. Usually when people who met online meet in real life, it's a disaster. He might rob you and-" A pillow flew into Lovino's face. Feliciano's eyes looked unusually on edge lately, even more whenever Lovino badmouthed his friend. This, however, didn't stop Lovino. "If it's war you want, war you'll get." He threw the pillow back at Feliciano before jumping on him.

Antonio had made a quick escape from the battle of pillows and wrestling. A battle to the last feather, to the last standing hair on their heads, to the last inch of skin left without a bruise, to-

"I'm going out!" Someone spoke, interrupting their fight. Both Feliciano and Lovino stopped fighting in order to shoot deadly stares into the one who dared delay their match. It was only Romeo. And Lovino thought it was something important. He was dressed up unusually nice, though.

"Where are you going?" Antonio beat both of the boys to the question on their minds.

"Marie is giving me math instructions." Romeo simply said, making his way to the door, only to be stopped by Grandpa Rome.

"Marie? Who is that?" Grandpa Rome asked, a teasing smile framing his face. "Does little Romeo have a girlfriend? Your very own little Juliet?"

Romeo rolled his eyes, palms growing sweaty. "She's my friend and she's very impatient so I really need to go."

"Tell Marie I said hi!" Feliciano yelled from the couch where he was still trapped by Lovino.

"Will do." Romeo answered back.

"Yes, tell your girlfriend we all said hi." Grandpa Rome laughed as Romeo exited the house, shaking his head at his weird family.

"Who even is this Marie?" Lovino asked.

"His girlfriend obviously." Grandpa Rome answered.

"Young love... That's so nice." Antonio sighed.

"We're in love too, idiot." Lovino remarked.

"Sorry."

"She's not his girlfriend. He has known her about as long as I know Ludwig." Feliciano chimed in, surprising everyone.

"You know her?" Lovino asked.

"Who is Ludwig?" Grandpa Rome asked.

"Feli, are you okay down there?" Antonio, the sensible one, asked.

"Peachy." Feliciano answered as Lovino finally stepped off from him so he could get comfortable on the couch. When everything was finally settled, they all gathered around him, Feliciano asked. "If I tell you what I know about her, will you let me come to Germany with you, Nonno?"

Whines and sighs came clashing together at Feliciano who smirked at his brain being a genius once in a while. He awaited his answer, unwilling to share his knowledge unless he got an approval.

"Feli, that's blackmailing." Antonio chimed in first.

"Really? This again? You horrible-" Lovino started.

"You're really dead set on going to Germany?" Grandpa Rome complained, interrupting Lovino before his swearing fuse could be set on fire.

As this kind of conversation went back and forth, Feliciano kept quiet while laughing on the inside. His family had a thing regarding curiosity for centuries, passing it from generation to generation, they just needed to know everything they were interested in at the moment. "Yes, yes, yes, unless you agree to let me come, I'm not saying anything." Feliciano finally spoke.

All eyes were dead set on Grandpa Rome, watching his every movement. Antonio was practically begging him with his eyes to agree to take Feliciano if it meant he would spill the beans. Lovino, on the other hand, was still as opposed to Feliciano going as he had been before, something he made vocally clear to his grandpa. Feliciano endured the insults, waiting patiently for his answer. All that pressure and curiosity was bad for Grandpa Rome's health. "Fine. I'll talk to the company, but will you please tell us."

Feliciano beamed with joy. Grandpa Rome's company wasn't all that strict when it came to family members tagging along. He knew because he witnessed it himself, a lot of workers had troubles separating from their families. Excitement filled his body, enough for him to ignore Lovino's complaints. He wanted to tell Ludwig about this so badly, but first, he had to complete his promise.

"Now will you tell us?" Antonio asked, growing impatient.

"I will, I will. Wait." Feliciano said, pointing at Lovino who was still ranting furiously. Antonio silenced him with a pat on the shoulder, taking his hand to hold until Lovino was completely calm.

Feliciano could now begin. "Her name is Anne Marie. He met her at the library one day after lessons. She studies math and is really smart. She's not Italian, but she came to study here because she didn't really fit in with the French girls. She's from Monaco, I think, and she's older than Romeo. I think he said she was around my age and she's also really pretty. I might have a picture..." Feliciano paused, quickly searching through his phone for a short while before giving up. Not a word was spoken during the entire time. "I can't find it now, but Romeo might show it to you when he comes back. They hang around a lot because she explains math to him and he teaches her chemistry. That's all I know."

Pause. Everyone took a bit of time to process everything Feliciano said. "So, she's not his girlfriend, but they hang out a lot? Sounds to me like they are im denial." Grandpa Rome spoke first, but before Feliciano could repeat once again that his brother wasn't dating his friend, he was shut down by Lovino and Antonio.

"Obviously. Unless Midget is gay as well." Lovino said.

"That's a rude nickname, Lovi. I think it's sweet that he has a friend who helps him out, but if they were dating she could help him out even more." Antonio chimed in.

"Like I said-" Feliciano tried once again, but in vain.

"Our little Romeo is growing up. Soon, he'll be married with kids and maybe that would get his head out of that science thing he has." Grandpa Rome looked ready to cry.

Feliciano noticed that any more attempts to clear the misunderstanding up would fail, so he texted Romeo what happened.

♡~Feli~♡: Sorry i told them about marie ♡~Feli~♡: On the plus side ill maybe go to germany!!!!! ♡~Feli~♡: Ill bring you presents as an apology and tell her i said hi

Romeo's reply came in rather quickly, letting Feliciano know that Romeo was still on his way to meet her.

☆MeoMeo☆: Dont worry bout it ☆MeoMeo☆: But do bring me presents

Feliciano laughed, the conversation about Romeo's life still ongoing. A perfect opportunity for Feliciano to slip back quietly to his-

"Oh yeah Feli, you mentioned some guy Louis, I think. Who is he?" Grandpa Rome remembered, catching Feliciano in his attempt to sneak out of the living room.

"Ludwig, actually. He's..." Feliciano trailed off, he hoped this question wouldn't pop out before they were on their way to Germany. Or at least, before he told Ludwig there was a chance he would come visit him. "My friend."

"Oh? Alright then. How did you meet?" Grandpa Rome asked.

"Internet." Before Feliciano could answer, Lovino interrupted him. Feliciano just gave him the stare, nobody in this family was going to let him speak normally today.

"Feli, we talked about strangers on the internet. You can't trust him." Grandpa Rome stared at him concerned, so much that Feliciano wanted to scream and tell them all about how kind Ludwig actually is. He kept quiet, fighting was always useless.

"He's not a stranger, Nonno. He's my friend's relative and a good person." He simply said, hoping his grandpa would understand and not press the issue anymore.

"Feli, I'm not having this conversation. I want you to stop talking to whoever that Louis guy is."

"Ludwig."

"Doesn't matter." Grandpa Rome raised his voice, something so rare Feliciano felt his knees weaken. "He could be a murderer and I don't want to have to bury you so young. Stop talking to him immediately."

For a moment there was heavy silence. Neither Feliciano nor Grandpa Rome spoke, leaving Antonio and Lovino just standing there awkwardly. Lovino almost regretted not keeping his mouth shut, seeing as Feliciano looked about ready to cry. 'It's for his own good,' was what he told himself.

Sucking back the tears, Feliciano nodded. "I'll be drawing in my room, call me when dinner is ready." And he retreated to the one safe place for him in the house, limping his way to it until his bed was before him. Grabbing Silence in Venice, he collapsed face down on the bed, seeing wet stars.

The buzz of Feliciano's phone woke him up. He had no memory of falling asleep, at least not while holding his favorite book, but as he saw the texter's name, everything came to him. Unlocking his phone, he was greeted with over 50 messages all from Ludwig.

Ludwig: So about that challenge Ludwig: I don't really know how to draw dogs well but they were acting cute today and so I hope you don't mind that instead of a drawing you got a picture

*Ludwig has sent 20 pictures*

Ludwig: I guess that is a bit too much

Feliciano kept scrolling and reading Ludwig's messages. Most of them were long ones detailing the entire day of his pets' life, but then they begun getting weird.

Ludwig: So i think about pigeons a lot Ludwig: They are really cool you knkw Ludwig: And like what if i was a pigeon you know what id do Ludwig: Id take my body trash out on every persons head Ludwig: Doesnt that sound super cool

These were the most recent ones and Feliciano suspected Ludwig probably got really drunk when he texted him those, although that didn't make much sense because it was barely 6 p.m. Nevertheless, as weird for Ludwig as they were, they made Feliciano smile.

♡~Feli~♡: Are you okay Ludwig

Ludwig: Ludwig Ludwig: Im not ludwig Ludwig: Im the great pigeon man the awesomest of all

Well, that was strange. Ludwig wasn't the type to use the word 'awesomest.' If anything, he usually complained about that word because his brother-

Feliciano realized what was going on here.

♡~Feli~♡: Gil is that you

Ludwig: You bet i am im gil the pigeon

♡~Feli~♡: Okay gil pigeon would you be a nice pigeon and give your brother pigeon his phone back

Ludwig: But we re having such a nice pigeon conversation  Ludwig: He would ruin our pigeon time

♡~Feli~♡: I would rather text you from your own pigeon phone thats why

Ludwig: Oh why didnt pigeon you pigeon say so

♡~Feli~♡: Thats a lot of pigeons

Ludwig: Sure is Ludwig: I cant find my pigeon brother he probably got pigeon lost pigeon watching Ludwig: I want him to find a noce pigeon to take caer of him while i go on pigeon adventures

♡~Feli~♡: Thats really sweet of you pigeon gil

Ludwig: It sure is Ludwig: I found him hes pigeon asleep

♡~Feli~♡: Oh alright ♡~Feli~♡: Thank you pigeon gil

Ludwig: I woke him up and hes pigeon mad at me Ludwig: Goodbye my pigeon friend Ludwig: Sorry about that I swear I just took a nap and he is already so drunk

♡~Feli~♡: Dont be that was hilarious ♡~Feli~♡: Gil likes pigeons a lot

Ludwig: Yeah Ludwig: He watched a British culinary show where someone made pies out of pigeon meat and he has been angry about it ever since

♡~Feli~♡: Oh poor gil ♡~Feli~♡: Was it a good nap at least

Ludwig: It was short that is for sure Ludwig: I have been playing in the garden with the dogs all day so I am a little worn out Ludwig: How are you Ludwig: Will you be watching Eurovision tonight

♡~Feli~♡: Oh absolutely ♡~Feli~♡: I really like this years songs i think denmark might win ♡~Feli~♡: I dont want to get my hopes up by claiming we will win because we never do

Ludwig: I like Italy's entry this year Ludwig: Ours as well but it isn't victory material

♡~Feli~♡: I like germanys song a lot ♡~Feli~♡: I can relate to it but thats a whole other story ♡~Feli~♡: Anyway im both good and bad ♡~Feli~♡: Good because i might be coming to germany soon  ♡~Feli~♡: And bad because nonno

Ludwig: Wait you will be coming here? Ludwig: For real? Ludwig: I am not really done with the book yet

♡~Feli~♡: No ill be coming with nonno because he has this trip with his company and things like that all over europe

Ludwig: Then is the bad news that he doesnt want to take you or?

♡~Feli~♡: No ♡~Feli~♡: I wouldnt be feeling this sad if he didnt want to take me its just that ♡~Feli~♡: He wants me to stop talking to you and being your friend

Ludwig: Why?

♡~Feli~♡: Lovi spilled that we met online and my nonno is really strict about online friendships and everything ♡~Feli~♡: So he ordered me to stop talking to you

Ludwig: I see Ludwig: Well i did employ you in a way so maybe you could tell him that if you are going to come to Germany Ludwig: It is less suspicious that way

♡~Feli~♡: I dont kno ♡~Feli~♡: My nonno can be really mean sometimes but lovi is even meaner ♡~Feli~♡: I want to fight back but if i did he ll tell nonno and make everything be my fault ♡~Feli~♡: Its stupid and i hate it i hate it here

Ludwig: Brothers are usually like that Ludwig: Maybe it is good that you aren't starting fights because in that way Lovino can't project the blame unto you Ludwig: But at the same time that pushes him to abuse you more just to get a reaction out of you

♡~Feli~♡: I wish i could live with you ♡~Feli~♡: I wouldnt be lonely at least

Ludwig: If you still have problems with your grandfather you can tell him that you can stay here Ludwig: I suppose if he is traveling with a company that means the company pays the bills to hotels and transport Ludwig: So if you and him want to stay you can come to our place and save some money

♡~Feli~♡: You know what thats a brilliant idea ♡~Feli~♡: Ill tell him that ♡~Feli~♡: But lovi would probably object to something there

Ludwig: My best advice is to ignore what he says and if he says something mean about you just nod but don't take him seriously

♡~Feli~♡: I can try that

Ludwig: Talk to your grandfather first please

♡~Feli~♡: Are you excited at the posibility of me coming over

Ludwig: Ecstatic Ludwig: Gilbert would be overjoyed as well Ludwig: And also because I want to know will your grandfather approve of me  Ludwig: Because I really don't want to lose one of my only friends

♡~Feli~♡: We re both so lonely amd sad we need each other ♡~Feli~♡: Ill text you his response

Feliciano locked his phone and put it for charging, racing down the stairs to find his grandpa on the phone. Grandpa Rome mouthed to Feliciano that they were talking about the trip to Germany and shook his head that the company was refusing.

Feliciano motioned to him to cover the phone because he had to tell him something. Grandpa Rome excused himself for a moment to the person he was talking to. "My friend said we could stay at his place so we don't have to pay extra for hotels and food." Feliciano blurted out.

Grandpa Rome nodded, passing the message to the person on the phone. They waited for a response. Finally, Grandpa Rome nodded and Feliciano was gone in a second.

♡~Feli~♡: IM COMING TO GERMANY!!!

[iheardarumorxxx]

Midnight Sun, Chapter 9 - Port Angeles

Right. I remember this chapter from Twilight. I also have heard quite a bit about this chapter. This is gonna be a ride. 

Eddie starts off this chapter saying that he used to be the ‘responsible’ one. I would like to remind everyone that Edward Anthony Masen Cullen spent a few years eating people he percieved to be horrible criminals because he didn’t like animal blood and was being a whiny baby. But go off, Eddie.

SM is still trying to paint Jessica as a rude bitch and I still don’t buy it. It is extremely clear to anyone with eyeballs that Mike has a thing for Bella, and it is pretty obvious that this date he’s going on with Jessica is because Bella said no. So her thoughts come off as insecure. She’s a teenage girl, so I think insecure is a pretty standard thing. Not always, but SM has painted these kids as the stereotypical teens, so.

Basically, I still don’t buy the attempt to make Jessica seem evil.

Bella has wandered off to go get that book she wanted, and Eddie is simply freaking out because he let his daughter out of his sight for one minute and she wandered off. He’s about half a second away from considering getting a leash to put on her. Seriously, though, that’s how this reads. A parent frantic because they lost their child in a crowded store or park. We all know she’s gonna get a serious scolding for this one. Maybe even grounded.

a volly of snarls erupted from my throat

Okay, we’re still not to the big rant about vampire instincts in this universe, yet, but I want you guys to remember this for later. It absolutely aides in the point I plan to make there. Also a ‘volly’ of snarls. That sounds so forced and I genuinely laughed out loud when I read it. Anyway, Eddie has found Bella and she is with the Evil Bad Guys Who Have Ill Intentions. 

I would see how he enjoyed the hunt when he was the pray. I would see what he thought of my style of hunting.

Technically a spoiler because it hasn’t happened yet in this book, but not because we’ve seen it in Twilight. Eddie literally does not do anything to this Lanny guy or his friends. He gets out of the car, makes a mean face at them, and then gets back in the car and drives off. Maybe SM has Eddie go back out and hunt them later after he drops Bella off, but that doesn’t fit in with his squeaky clean good boy persona that Daddy Carlisle puts on him, so I doubt it. The scene as we know it comes off as very ‘man, if my girlfriend wasn’t here I’d kick your ass’. Because Eddie is a lot of bloated, puffed up talk.

When SM uses dialogue tags like ‘ordered’ to describe how Eddie says things, it just really hammers home that point I’ve been making about red flags. Even if it’s practical, like him telling Bella to put on a seat belt, especially since Pires bend the will of cars to their inane and idotic physics.

We went on a tangent about one of Eddie’s kills from his Vampire Batman days, and like honestly? I watch a lot of Criminal Minds. I see a lot of this kind of stuff, and it is absolutely awful that people like that exist in the world. I’m not saying that they shouldn’t be stopped. HOWEVER, this idea Eddie has that he was playing a good guy by taking justice into his own hands, I don’t jive with that. Now, I am aware of how faulty the criminal justice system is, especially with victims of sexual assault and domestic violence. I’ve lived that, myself. But if Eddie is so comfortable taking another life, no matter how he tries to justify it, he is no better than the people who he’s deciding to kill for their crimes.

a highly justifiable murder

See, this. This is why I don’t buy that SM’s Cullens are the paragons of good that she is constantly trying to say they are. There is no such thing as a justifiable murder, no matter what. Solving heinous acts with heinous acts simply perpetuates a cycle of heinous acts. 

I wasn’t giving her a chance to say no.

This is a trend that will continue throughout the entire series. I will point you to all of the times that Edward never gave Bella a choice in a matter, including leaving her in New Moon, and DISMANTLING HER CAR ENGINE IN ECLIPSE SO THAT SHE COULDN’T GO SEE HER FRIEND. That one in particular rubs me the wrong way for reasons, but we won’t do that here. Just know that Edward never actually lets Bella make a choice in this series, and even when he pretends to, he does everything in his power to make the outcome go his way.

And now we’re at the restaruant. I’ve heard some stuff about this scene and god, can I not WAIT, but for now, let’s just talk about the one off waitress character. She is clearly only here to be a rival to Bella for this scene. Brief, unimportant, underdeveloped. And honestly? One off characters don’t actually need that development, not really, but what I can’t stand about this one is that she is literally only here, both in this book and in Twilight, so that SM can puff up how clearly Bella is so much better than she is. Because, you see, Eddie doesn’t find the pretty hostess attractive, he only has eyes for Bella. Her entire point is so that Edward can look at Bella, and therefore, the audience as Bella is their SI for this world, and go on about how much better and prettier and more perfect she is than this woman. It’s just gross.

“Do I dazzle you?”

This is still, in my personal opinion, the best and most iconic line in a series full of iconic lines. Eddie the Dazzle Machine. Charming the pants off people when he’s trying to scare the shit out of them. It’s hilarious, and so fuckin’ romance novel cliche, and I love it.

This restaurant is apparently a real place in the real Port Angeles. And from what I understand, at least when the Twilight craze was in full swing back in 2008, they got a lot of extra business and a lot more people ordering the mushroom ravioli. Even put something about Twilight on their menu. Good for them, taking advantage of that free marketing. I have never been to Port Angeles, and am allergic to mushrooms, so I can’t say I’ve experienced the dish, but if any of you have, please let me know if it’s worth the hype.

Its so funny that right now, Eddie is worried about Bella being cold and going into shock, while Bella is over there huffing the fumes off his jacket like it’s a paint can, and he can’t even tell that that’s what she’s doing. The girl is doing everything short of just shoving her whole face in it and inhaling, but he’s too thick to get it. 

And here we are folks. The meat and potatoes of this chapter. The big comparison. The reason the cover has a pomegranete on it. Edward Anthony Masen Cullen has the absolute GALL to compare Bella, the boring, walking video game avatar to Persephone. Lets break down Persephone for a second here. There’s a lot to break down, but let’s stick to the basics, for fear that this rant gets wickedly out of hand before I can stop it. Persephone radiates optimism and hope. Persephone is soft, sweet, but has a temper that could kill a man. Persephone is sympathetic. When in the ever loving FUCK has Isabella Swan ever shown any of those characteristics? She is NEVER optimistic about anything. She fucking exists in a constant cloud of negative thought and assuming the worst. She isn’t hopeful about ANYTHING, not even her future with her PRECIOUS Eddie because she’s always questioning his intentions and feelings for her. She is not sympathetic in the slightest, no matter what SM tries to shove down my throat. She treats her friends like shit, she manipulates and lies her way through conversations so she doesn’t have to deal with them, she compares Mike to a FUCKING DOG. Bella is not comparable to Persephone, and it’s fucking beyond ham-fisted, it’s fucking EGREGIOUS to try to make that comparison. 

I could see more of an argument for comparing Eddie to Hades, since, ya know, Hades fucking stole Persephone to be his wife and most stories about Hades paint him as kind of a moody, brooding dickbag, but I’m still calling fucking foul on this attempt at comparison, SM. No dice.

Moving on.

Eddie describing Bella’s skin as ‘velvety’ gives me war flashbacks to those grocery store checkout novels with Fabio on the cover that my mom used to read. Eghhh.

So, Bella touches Eddie’s hand and it’s described in a way that gives me very G-rated sex vibes. Which just makes me wanna tell them to get a room because they’re in public right now, and also don’t do that in front of Bella’s salad ravioli.

Eddie is still being super controling and weird about Bella eating, and honestly, I super wish that Bella had had the good sense to get the hell out of there with Jess and Angela. Or that she would have the good sense now to excuse herself, find someone on staff, ask to borrow a phone, and call her dad. Because this guy is literally throwing out every red flag that exists. I know I say this a lot, but if Bella were a normal girl, she would not be charmed by this guy, she would be freaking creeped out and trying to get away from him. He isn’t even subtle about his creep factor or charming enough to play it off.

Edward thinking he has any edge at all is like white bread thinking it’s the right kind of bread for a hamburger.

Anyway, chapter ends with Eddie paying the bill and the pair getting in the car to head home. And the drama chord of the last sentence that’s supposed to play in your head when you read it falls flat. They’re on the way back to Forks and Eddie is chomping at the bit to hear Bella’s latest theory that we know from Twilight isn’t actually a theory so much as she heard a story from Jacob and then did some searching on some shitty Angelfire website. Or Geocities. Either way. And then she just went ahead and had a big old prophetic dream about it. 

Next time, we get the awkward car ride home and more. Thanks for hanging around guys. As always, feel free to message me (though, please note to anyone who has sent me anon messages that are rude or angry because I’m making fun of this book, I’m gonna ignore you.), recommend what books I should put on my list for my next recap series, and feel free to buy me a snack using the CashApp tag in my bio.

See you next time, babes.

[oujibat]

always good to see someone here who understands how terrible feral cats are to wildlife. hopefully the tags on that post don't get u too much hate.

IN THIS HOUSE WE CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT AND NATIVE WILDLIFE lmao thank you for having a brain i really appreciate this ask! i really don’t care if people come after me over the feral cat thing because i know i’m right so it doesn’t hurt my feelings, it just makes me upset when people argue with me over it because i know they’re contributing to the problem. i’m also gonna go on a huge rant about how feral/outdoor cats contribute to colonialism and the decimation of native wildlife/environments under the cut lmao

outdoor/feral cats are a symptom of colonialism(they were brought to the americas by white europeans. felis catus, the domestic cat, was domesticated from the african wildcat and is not native to the americas OR europe, for all the europeans who keep trying to argue that feral/outdoor cats are fine in europe, THEY’RE NOT.) and continue to decimate native wildlife and destroy native ecosystems; they’re invasive, so native animals have no natural instincts to defend themselves against them which makes cats extraordinarily skilled at wiping out native species, and not just that but cats have non-native diseases that decimate wildlife so your cat doesn’t even need to physically harm a native wild animal in order to kill them. i LOVE cats and if people really loved cats they would keep their cats indoors, push for others to do the same, and de-normalize outdoor/feral cats the same way we’ve done with dogs. back in the day people would just loose their dogs instead of walking them(my own PARENTS did this back in the 70s-80s and well into the 90s because it was just normal to do. no collar or tags because that was also normal back then; our dog never came back one day. his name was Junior and he was a beautiful border collie mix who’s death was completely preventable.) and of course that caused a ridiculous amount of issues for the dogs themselves, people, property, and the environment, (remember when dog-catchers were a thing?) so now we have leash laws and laws against just loosing your dog and as a result we have FAR less dogs roaming the streets and causing problems for people and native wildlife. we can and SHOULD do the same for cats.

i know it’s a sensitive subject for a lot of people(like i said, i love cats too) but there are just so many outdoor/feral cats that we can’t possibly spay/neuter release(which isn’t that great anyway) or adopt them all out, so euthanasia is an unfortunate necessity in this case, but that isn’t going to wipe cats out; they’ll continue to be bred in captivity and for the pet trade.

cats that are loosed outdoors have drastically reduced lifespans, run the risk of catching and spreading innumerable diseases and illnesses like feline AIDS(FIV) which is spread through bites and scratches not through sex so even if your cat is spayed/neutered they still run the risk(by the way spayed/neutered cats WILL STILL MATE sometimes even though they can’t reproduce), cats kill native wildlife, run the risk of BEING killed by native wildlife, dogs, other cats, cars, the environment/weather, disease, poison, and even humans(some of which will torture animals to death out of cruelty). you OWE it to your cat to keep them safe and healthy by keeping them indoors and out of trouble.

there are SO MANY WAYS to keep your cat entertained indoors, but we should also normalize leash/harness training cats and taking them for supervised walks the same way we do with dogs. you can build or purchase “catios” or cat tents to let your cat get some fresh air in the yard while still being safely contained. we can be doing so much better for our pet cats.

feral cats do not do well because they are non-native and domesticated, they might be excellent killers but the average lifespan of an outdoor/feral cat is about 5 years on average, whereas indoor cats have been documented aging well into their 30s(my neighbors had two cats they kept outside and one died because someone beat him and they refused to take him to the vet so he passed away, so i just straight up TOOK the other one because if your cats are outside there is literally no fucking distinction between an outdoor cat and a feral cat and who are the cops going to believe; you or the person who physically has the cat in their house who has bills from the vet and identification tags for the cat lmao? he was near death and full of parasites and infection, the vet said he would have died that winter if i didn’t “steal” him from my neighbor, and the vet gave him only three more years to live but i guess Spooky didn’t catch that memo because he’s in his 20s now! he’d spent his entire life outdoors and after only two weeks of adjusting he’s completely content with being a lazy pampered housecat.). unfortunately euthanasia is a necessity in a lot of cases of feral/outdoor cats simply because by the time they’ve been caught they’re so ill there’s not much we can do to help them. CATS DESERVE BETTER. LOOSING YOUR CAT OUTDOORS IS NOT DOING YOUR CAT ANY FAVOURS, DEFENDING FERAL CAT POPULATIONS HELPS NO ONE, ESPECIALLY NOT THE CATS!

TLDR: keep your fucking cats indoors, and i’ll end my rant with this;

if you fight to defend the practice of keeping cats outdoors and you fight to defend populations of feral cats you are saying that you believe that an invasive species is more important than native wildlife, so essentially what you’re saying is that you support colonialism and the destruction of native environments.

(i also think it’s very interesting that people are so fierce in defending outdoor cats/feral cat populations, but when it comes to the invasive populations of loosed pet snakes, lizards, and biggest of all the PIGEON populations in cities, people want them culled and set up tons of laws against even owning the animals in question AS pets even if those animals are no longer invasive but are completely naturalized and don’t hurt the environment, some even help native animals prosper.... but they’re not as cute and fluffy as kitty cats so wipe them out i guess. and yes i’m also very upset that people defend feral/outdoor cats but they will kill or wish death upon beneficial native wildlife like opossums because they’re “ugly”.)

[unordinary-analysis]

Episode 168

Honorable mentions:

I once had an ongoing list of the UnOrdinary world like a research page but then it disappeared somehow in my google docs (still dunno how), but I’m thinking of recreating it if only for my list of places in UnOrdinary because I can’t remember if Newside is a new place or if we’ve been there before in the story. And that upsets me.

I just want to bring back that time about a year ago (yes I’m old) when I did an analysis on the superhero posse when they were just becoming the superhero posse. If you search up #episode 117in my tags, you’ll find it, but I remember putting the three into a small ladder hierarchy based on how much authority they were giving off and I said 1. Blyke, 2. Remi, 3. Isen. I’m very happy that even a year ago, Blyke was displaying signs of leadership. I put his name down as having the most authority within the group, but I was kind of surprised when I did that, even then. Past me knew, past me could tell the future (AN: I suggest looking at that actually the lineup if just so good)

the flow of this post is kind of choppy I think so sorry for that

Blyke: 

    So: yes, I’m finally talking about Blyke again. Sorry about not mentioning him last week, I just really was focused on John for that one and the post would’ve felt less cohesive if I wrote about Blyke too. Also, there wasn’t much development on Blyke’s storyline in that episode except basically telling you that, yeah, it’s confirmed that Blyke is going to attempt to become a “superhero” (actually kind of a big deal but you all already knew so eh). I’ve been closed too much for initially thinking that Blyke would dabble in ability enhancement drug use, and someone even agreed with me :(. But yeah I was wrong (sadly. Think of the potential). Anyway, moving forwards into the episode, it was obviously very Blyke heavy and, along with the whole superhero things, there’s some other stuff I want to talk about. 

    Something that I noticed being throughout the episode was that there were a lot of Blyke/King comparisons. First of all there was Blyke putting both him and Isen into Arlo’s perspective when Isen was complaining about Arlo. That was definitely pretty obvious to me that Uru-Chan is trying to compare the two often, because these have been often lately, so that the readers catch on to how they are becoming more similar in personality and thoughts, stuff like that. Almost entirely, though, how Blyke keeps thinking of Arlo and what Arlo would be thinking. Arlo is literally the representation of power and authority in this comic, his personality is almost defined by being king. Blyke slowly thinking more and more like him is suggesting the fact that Blyke is becoming more and more king-like, probably due to his inevitable crowning as Wellston’s new king (maybe? I’m not sure how that works with John and all?)

    This is close to another example of Blyke being compared to authority/the king/Arlo (?) in this episode because Blyke, around the middle of the episode, starts talking about how Arlo won’t be here next year and the other high-tiers will need to take over. He says, “So, whether we want it or not… I think we owe it to the school to take some responsibility… And start treating our roles more seriously.” The leadership jumped out. Anyway, he’s obviously very aware of the high-tiers’ responsibilities and seems to just decided that he needs to carry them out. I don’t really know what I’m saying but basically: Blyke has been paying attention to the school’s status, assessed how best to handle the situation, and has just taken the responsibility on his shoulders without anyone, a.k.a. the king, telling him to. He is acting like a leader, more so out of any of the other high-tiers.

    There’s a bit more things that connect Blyke and kingship, or general authority, in this episode, but most of it is just in like way of thinking or vibes, and that’s difficult and unnecessary to explain in this post. Just, the comparisons are obvious pointing to one outcome: Blyke’s crowning as the new king of Wellston. I already said in this post that it’s inevitable. And everyone pretty much knows that it’s going to happen. Even all of the characters. This is just important to be aware of because of where his storyline is headed. Blyke is trying to become a superhero to become stronger, to grow more powerful, and yes it’s because he wants to take down John, to feel like he’s competent enough to be king, but it is inherently a very risky decision. There’s a lot of things that could go wrong and I just want to remind everyone of Rei, who was also a superhero and king. And we all know how that turned out. I do think that Blyke wouldn’t continue to be a superhero forever, maybe even no longer than a few episodes, so what happened with Rei is unlikely to ever happen with Blyke, but there are still those possibilities that could occur because of this decision.

    Finally: superhero. Blyke has decided to become a superhero, and lowkey I’m really excited. I know I was just talking about how risky it could be, especially for a future king, but guys I just want more Blyke fight scenes don’t you? We are being fed okay? Anyway, he’s made it clear he’s doing it to get stronger and that he’s made sure that he’s taking less risks than Remi did (which is very great thank you Blyke 100% leader material). I don’t really have much to say about this because there really isn’t anything to analyze or anything, I just have to say that I really appreciate how you can just tell that this was thought through by Blyke so much more than Remi thought about her plan, she was really all about instincts. This new take on the superhero mantle is very ‘Blyke’, you know?

    Anyway, the whole superhero thing being reintroduced into the story isn’t just for Blyke’s convenience because I am 100% certain this is a way for uru-Chan to show us again the world of EMBER and that storyline because it has been a while. And this is a very efficient way to expose some of the inner workings behind all that, so I am very excited to see that next week.

    Isen:

    Poor, poor, poor baby Isen. He just wants peace. And then people keep involving him in their messes, what a shame. 

    There aren’t really any new developments on him and things basically stand the same as when I last talked about Isen (about his and Arlo’s drama) but there’s a few things I want to talk about concerning Isen and things that happened in this episode helped me decide to talk about them so yeah.

    First thing I want to talk about is Isen’s new anger towards Arlo. I know anger is a harsh word and I think I mean something closer to irritation, but still, I like seeing this from Isen because Isen really has been taking a lot of Arlo’s shit, of everybody’s shit. And I’m kind of intrigued by the possibilities of where this might go. Now, I know Isen is a more docile character, he likes to keep his distance from drama (I actually talk about this in the second thing I want to talk about), but his drama with Arlo is literally about Arlo not letting him be. And I realize here that I could make an entire rant about how this is a parallel to what John and Arlo went though, and how Arlo keeps pushing people into the light and causing issues, but I won’t, even though I easily could with what I’m gonna say. Basically: I’m looking at the possibility of Isen truly rebelling against Arlo, even though we got a big blow up last week from Isen at Arlo so that was nice. I want more tears, fighting, betrayals. Okay? I want Isen to join Joker and Cecile (whaaat you did not hear me say that). Anyway, I’ve always been interested in the idea of normally calm characters going absolutely berserk, and I think everyone has. Plus I think it’s likely what with all of Isen’s sleep talk of, “GET BACK HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE, ARLO!” 

    Second thing I want to talk about is how Isen is obviously anti-responsibility. His whole thing with Arlo is that Arlo dragged Isen to do work that Isen didn’t want to do, and even this episode, Isen interrupts Blyke, who was trying to say that they would have a lot of future responsibilities, because he didn’t like the topic. Isen is so obviously ill-suited for authority and he’s been saying it throughout the comic. I remember that I went through of phase of literally only liking Isen and thinking he was the best character ever, so I can’t speak for what I’ve said during that time (don’t remember), but I know that Isen wants as little to do with the hierarchy as possible (which is why he’d side with joker people, joker wants the hierarchy gone too im sorry). Anyway, this is just something I want to establish as something I think. Isen wants literally nothing to due with responsibility, and honestly, same. This is kind of a big deal, but because this is pretty recurring and I don’t really know how to explain why this is a big deal, we’ll just stop here.

[borderlinebadger]

"I have OCD tendencies."

I have a story for you, and it may be lengthy, or dull, but I hope you stick through to the end.

--

About two years ago, I was just beginning to get to know someone who today is now one of my great friends. At the time, we were decorating together, and he said the alignment of something had bothered him. His face, his body language, and his entire tone was genuine when he told me "I have OCD tendencies."

As our friendship had just begun, I hadn't yet told him that I was actually diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - something I've endured since I was six years old.

Now.. anyone with OCD, and even Bipolar Disorder, will tell you the same thing. We have all seen memes, comments, posts, of "Lol, I hate this! I'm so OCD!" And we just want to grab'em by their shoulders and shake them because it's not an adjective, if you want this disorder, fucking take it.

But instead I thanked him. And then and there, I told him about my diagnosis, and I told him what it has been like living with OCD for nearly two decades. I told him what it was like seeing a picture of a single misplaced tile, and then reading hundreds of comments about how pestered their OCD was when they had never been bleeding and afraid of themselves and felt deadly because of their thoughts.

"I have OCD tendencies."

I was grateful for that last word. Tendencies. Who knew a single noun could change my entire mindset. An epiphany, if you will.

There's a reason I tell you this story, dear reader, and I hope you will hear me.

I want to tell you why the word "tendencies," might keep you safe. Why it may protect you, save you, and those that surround you.

The mental health community of Tumblr is big. It is beautiful. It is honest, and accepting.

But it is also sticky, and luring.

I've seen countless posts where someone has described a negative habit, and someome shared a "By the way, this is a symptom of ___."

Or maybe the post was someone venting about one of their symptoms, and a comment said "Omg, I didn't know I had that disorder."

You may see where this is going, but please carry on reading, I am not shaming or insulting anyone here. Believe me. I promise you.

Maybe you clicked on a tag and you related to every single post you saw. Maybe you exhibit several symptoms. Maybe you pace, maybe you talk to yourself, maybe you dissociate, maybe you have anger issues, maybe all you want in the entire world is to just find out what the fuck is wrong with me.

And maybe you found a community that described it perfectly. And you felt like you belonged.

But, sweet reader, that is dangerous. You can get hurt.

I know that you want to slap a name on it, I do. Trust me. I have PTSD, BPD, OCD, MaDD, and a Panic Disorder thus far, and even I can't figure it all out. Even I think something is missing. But before my diagnoses, all I wanted was to know what it was, to know other people understood, to know that it wasn't just me being a gigantic fuck up of a person. That it wasn't just me.

But one symptom spreads across many. Lip biting is a symptom of anxiety. Lip biting is a symptom of pica. Lip biting is a symptom of OCD.

Say you choose Pica.

Now you have a community who just.. gets it. You fit in. They understand. You can vent and they all know what you meam, when no one in real life does. They're your friends.

But.. you have OCD.

Now you're still suffering from obsessions, compulsions, intrusive thoughts, self loathing, starvation because there's something wrong with your food. You figured one thing out, but there are countless other things weighing on your shoulders. You're treating yourself for one thing and five others are killing you.

This is why self diagnosis is scary, harmful, and endangers you. You are not getting the help that you need.

Now I know that professional help is not available everywhere, or to everyone; and that is why I refuse to shame you. I promise you that I will never shame you. That is why I think "tendencies," is the magic word.

Maybe you can't afford it. Maybe there's no psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist near you. Maybe you've faced disregard, misdiagnosis, and are too scared to try again.

That is okay. That is valid.

Now am I saying you are not welcome in our community? Absolutely fucking not.

You have found us. We do understand. You are welcome here. You are allowed to vent, rave, rant, and cry with us. We are here for you, and damn anyone who tries to gatekeep mental illness.

Wanting to slap a label on it is normal, but it will hurt you. Whether it be symptoms that go untreated, or a mindset of "I can't do it, I have ____."

"Tendencies," will not. It leaves your symptom valid, without disregarding the rest of your pain.

Without you grouping yourself into one slot.

Without you saying "Well, I think I have this disorder, and people with this disorder have this negative symptom, so I have to have it too," and potentially harming yourself.

Your pain is valid. Your syptoms are valid. You are welcome with or without professional diagnosis.

"I have ___ tendencies," is just as valid as "I have ___ disorder."

It just comes without the potential harm of a wrong diagnosis.

[ngeh]

THIS IS THE FUNNIEST AND SEXIEST THING I HAVE READ IN SO LONG WHAT THE HELL

normally i use the tags to rant and tell what i liked but honestly theres so many paragraphs and lines that i love that i have to add a comment like this (hope its ok<3)

FIRST OFF ur writing is so so much fun. i was smiling and laughing through the entire thing and your characterization of kuroo is just. fucking *chefs kiss* IMMACULATE. ive never read a more on-brand kuroo than this fic right here and its a DELIGHT

- And now, he’s combined all three of those features in a rather alarming way, the state of deep concentration just making him look constipated.

i laughed so hard my cat looked up at me - the descriptions that went before this gave such a vivid image and then imagining them combined like that? i couldnt deal

- “Oh my god we have a scheduled couch fuck day. This is the end.”

this was so fun. his despair and travel down the ladder of regret was so fun to read and so well-described. your way of writing kuroos anxieties and fears were so in-character but also so natural and well put!!!

- Kuroo pauses, head cocked to the side as he ponders his next move. “I don’t think I’m ready to make Freud proud today.” 

PLEASE THATS THE FUNNIEST REPLY EVER WHEN BEING ASKED IF WANTED TO BE CALLED DADDY IM CACKLING

- "But it’s fun to sound like a VCR.”

again, ur way of writing kuroo is just. SO entertaining

- “That’s too bad. The anticipation of it all was a big part in what I had planned for you tonight. Should I leave you again? Have you sit here with your pretty tits out so you grow more desperate for me?”

🥵🥵

- “You just don’t have enough hate, Sasuke.” Just like that, the whole charade drops with him, Kuroo collapsing on you to bury his face in the mattress. 

KSKSKS PLEASE THIS WAS SUCH A GOOD PART. and the way u later wrote that sasuke was "third wheeling" I WAS WHEEZING SO MUCH THROUGH THIS IT WAS. SO FUN AND UNEXPECTED

- “Yeah, you gotta put those things away before I can give you an answer.”  He sits up, swiftly unbuttoning his shirt and handing it to you.

kuroo still being incredibly in love and interested in reader was both very cute and very hot to me tbh!! like. imagine youve been together so long, youre getting MARRIED and hes still losing his last two (2) braincells at the sight of YOUR tits. i cant

- The sound you make in response is akin to a vacuum starting up, Kuroo thoroughly startled by your rapid intake of air. You’re doubling over in laughter, falling back on to the mattress from his confession. 

this description was just rly funny

- You trade broken syllables for a rushed please

i loved this sentence so much???? so simple but idk it just. it SLAPS

- "It reminds you how easy it is to love him, how it's just second nature to coax your lips to mirror his when you see him like this" and "with that your lips slot against his, finding home against his body as the warmth of his skin seeps into your bones."

these were so inherently romantic that im yearning for kuroo in a more mentally ill way than i was before. oh my god this entire fic is just. fueling something i think is unhealthy to fuel inside of me but i am immensely overjoyed this fic graced my dashboard and therefor blessed me eyes oh mt god

i may sound like im over exaggarating or going overboard with this excitement but i need you to know how important this fanfic is to me - how well written and entertaining and absolutely sexy it was to me!!!!!

DORKY DOM • KUROO TETSURO

kuroo tetsuro x f!reader

warnings: smut, 18+/minors and ageless blogs DNI, choking, chaotic dom sub role play, dweeb kuroo, slice of life with my favorite nerd

w/c: 3.5 k

a/n: this is my. long overdue submission for the better than fiction collab. @spacelabrathor & @titan-fodder i hope you forgive my tardiness. Please check out the rest of the lovely fics in this collab here! this is a special piece of my heart bc ive slaved away on it for so long to give you the kuroo that has effectively stolen it (it is very much anti sex god kuroo propaganda warning yall now! im sorry). this piece would be nowhere without the encouraging screams from @karikarasuno & @whats-her-quirk. i hope yall enjoy <3

In the three years you’ve shared an apartment with Kuroo, you’ve learnt that there will always be a surprise when you open the door. You’ve seen it all, from the day the Black Jackals decided to rearrange your living room for a yoga session to the hoard of foster kittens that nearly escaped into the hallway. While you expect that black cat you two had decided to save from that day to circle your feet when you cross the threshold of your home, the exaggerated moaning coming from the living room was certainly a shock.

Kuroo doesn’t even seem to notice your presence. For a man watching porn, he’s impossibly still, hands laced in front of his face as he stares intently at the laptop below him. It’s almost as though he’s studying the scene, his broad back hunched off the back of the couch in an effort to stay closer to the screen. You scoop the cat off the floor and into your arms as you make your way over to your fiancé, Kuroo none the wiser to the sound of your footsteps getting louder.

Keep reading

[bowtomypointlesswords]

Tomas Brian Cavanaugh

They sat in a deafening silence for a moment until Joan shifted uncomfortably, drawing his attention. He stood suddenly, scaring her slightly and making her jump. He twirled the blade in his hand distractedly as he paced over to one wall, seemingly admiring something on it.

“Levi Larone has found me, once again..." Joan felt cold dread rise up in her stomach, chilling her to the bone the same way it always did whenever her father brought up the Resistance leader. "He always seems to know where I am... Now I wonder why that might be..." There was an intent in his voice that Joan didn't like.

"I'm unsure. Perhaps one of your-"

"Pet..." He growled out, turning around and walking around her, his cold eyes locked on her. “Why do you insist on lying to me even though I know that Levi has you working for him?” Joan stared straight ahead. She knew this mood, it was dangerous, unpredictable. If she even made eye contact, he might kill her. She’d seen him do it. “How long, Pet? How long have you been running to Levi and telling him my plans?” She didn’t answer, unsure which was the worst of her few options. “My patience is thin...”

“A year, roughly... maybe two... I haven’t exactly been counting.” The sarcastic remark slipped out before she could stop it and she winced.

“Well I have, Pet. Nearly a year and a half  in one month... Do you have any idea how distressing it is to find out, the child you loved and raised and called your own, has betrayed you to your enemy?” He continued to pace around her, still not really looking at her and admiring the office around them instead. Joan fell silent once more, too intimidated to speak. “I have worked for so long to please her majesty, time and again going to her with failures, risking my neck every time and then I find out that you are the reason I have lost so much... Such things are not to be spoken of little Pet. We do not inform others of the plans we make. It’s too dangerous, too many people, too many mouths. Someone could get hurt... or killed.” She flinched as his hand fell on her shoulder. "I am... So very disappointed in you, my dear.”

Tom Canvanaugh... One of my darkest characters in terms of what exactly he’s done. Tom was once a very loving and kind man. He had a wife, a baby daughter, he was a scientist and researching the way magic developed in people. Then his home was invaded, his wife and daughter killed in front of him. This sent him spiraling into depression, and he threw himself into his work. He wanted to learn how to control magic, how someone born without it (like himself) could learn to use it. The Queen caught wind of his research and hired him, and he’s since been working for her to find a way to eradicate mages, or control them. 

Tom has done many horrible things, including stealing a baby and raising her as his own daughter. That baby being Joan. He raised her but when he discovered, rather early on in her life, that she was a mage he proceeded to use her in his experiments and research. She still has scars from the tortures she endured, and she is deeply afraid of him. Tom himself is a powder keg. One minute he’ll be fine, the next he’ll go off screaming and threatening people. The only time he’s every truly calm is when he’s working on something important to him. He works in the concentration camps, basically if you want a real life counterpart to imagine him by, think of Doctor Josef Mengele. You know that psychopath from WW2 that preformed human experiments and was about as evil as you could get? Yeah, him.

Tom is one of the worst men to walk the earth, and that’s saying something in a post apocalyptic, illness filled world like the one this story takes place in. His experiments include stress testing mages to see how far they go before their bodies give out, blocking their magic, splicing mages with non mages to see if the mage gene crosses over, using torture as a way to see just how magic reacts to stress and how pain causes mages to use their magic...  He has succeeded in creating several items that the Queen has implemented. The first is fake crystalline magic that absorbs latent magic in the air and can be used to give non mages magic, or as is more often the case, be placed inside of an Anti-Magic Device, or AMD. AMDs are boxes which as the label states blocks all magic around them. They’re not the most effective, you have to be in fairly close quarters for them to work best, but when multiples are used together they’re much more potent. A Mage being attacked by one of these devices finds themself usually in tremendous pain. The higher the setting, ranging from 1 to 10, the more magic is blocked. Some characters are stronger than others, Shana for example is able to withstand up to a setting of six before collapsing, but that’s only because she’s had them used on her her whole life and she’s used to/knows how to manage the pain. At the highest setting they can even cause death in weaker, old, or younger mages.

I wrote started developing Tom when I was in a bad place. I was in the Anger stage of grief after my parents divorce, I was bitter and angry at the time, but as the story progressed... Tom fell into place, his role was one that was sorely needed, the mad scientist who’s ultimate goal was the destruction of the main character’s entire group of people. I know @reading21books enjoys working with Tom as much as I do, he’s a fascinating character to work with. Sometimes he’s so calm in situations that normal people would be hysterical in, other times he’s a mad man, screaming and ranting. He’s fun to write, scary to think about.

Tag List:  @westywrites, @firelight-memories, @alonelywriter-me, @thegrimlyreaper, @violetqueenmarie, @bunnydoll