#i had a super long day at work today
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Encantober Day 3: Reunion
âYou can let go now.â Bruno squirmed uncomfortably in Pepaâs grasp.
âAy, but I missed you so much, hermanito.â Pepa squeezed him more tightly. âCanât I have this moment of joy?â
âCanât- breathe-â Bruno gasped out, fighting against Pepa.
âEasy, Pepa.â Julieta placed her hand on Pepaâs shoulder. âHis eyes are starting to pop out of his head.â
Reluctantly, Pepa loosened her grip.
Relieved, Bruno took a deep breath, just as Julieta pounced on him.
âWhat do all of you have against breathing?â He griped, sinking limply into the hug.
âBrunito, we havenât seen you in ten years.â Alma said, her eyes misty with tears. âSurely you understand.â
âI do, but you wonât get to see me much longer if you donât let me breathe!â He finally managed to wriggle out of the hug.
Pepa and Julieta looked at him, hurt.
Bruno sighed. âAlright, come here.â He held his arms open. âAh, one arm hugs. One arm hugs!â He put up his hands preemptively.
This time, his sisters were gentler with him.
Bruno closed his eyes contentedly, enjoying the hug. âItâs good to see you, guys. I missed you.â
âWe missed you too.â Suddenly, Pepa pulled away from the hug. âDonât you ever disappear on us like that again!â She smacked him in the arm.
Wincing, Bruno shook out his arm. âEasy, Pepa. Keep me in one piece.â He covered his mouth with his hand and turned towards Julieta. âI forgot how strong she was.â
Hearing that, Pepa scooped him up in his arms and twirled him around. âStrong enough to pick you up, and donât you forget it!â Realizing something, she frowned, setting him down on the ground. âBruno, youâre so light. Have you been eating?â
He shrugged. âI got enough food. Sometimes it was hard to sneak some from the kitchen because someone would always be in there, but Iâd get the rats to grab me a few arepas to tide me over.â
âRats-â Julieta looked horrified then sighed, smiling contentedly. âItâs over now. You can eat as much as youâd like, and no more rats in my kitchen!â
âWhat about other animals?â Antonio piped up, eyes shining eagerly.
âToñito, I think Parce might be bigger than the kitchen,â FĂ©lix pointed out with a chuckle.
Everyone laughed.
âFood actually sounds pretty good,â Bruno admitted. âI havenât eaten since,â he put up a few fingers, counting, âno matter, Iâm hungry!â
Camiloâs stomach grumbled in agreement. âLetâs eat!â
âGreat idea, Milo.â Julieta nodded approvingly. âI can go get started on dinner.â
âWeâll join you,â Pepa said, joining her side.
Bruno looked between the two warily. âUh, Pepaâs allowed in the kitchen now?â
FĂ©lix shook his head ânoâ at Bruno but stilled his motion at a glare from Pepa.
Bruno nodded. âSo, uh, dinner!â He said brightly. âLetâs go!â He stopped walking when he noticed Camilo examining him through narrowed eyes. âSomething wrong, Camilo?â
Camilo gave him a disappointed once over. âYouâre soâŠshort,â Camilo pronounced.
Bruno blinked, confused. âThank you?â
âCamilo!â Pepa whirled on her son. âThatâs so rude.â
âYou called him short all the time,â AgustĂn pointed out, becoming the latest victim of her glare.
âThatâs different. Thatâs sibling privilege,â Pepa countered. âCamilo, you canât say things like that to your tĂo.â
âWhy not? Heâs so short.â Camilo blew his bangs out of his eyes. âI thought heâd be like seven feet tall!â
âSorry to burst your bubble, kid. Iâm not some kind of boogeyman. Just your regular, everyday tĂo with a pack of rats at his service.â He bowed with a flourish.
Dolores slid in alongside him. âAbout the ratsâŠtĂo, now that youâre finally hereâŠâ She trailed off. âNot that you were ever really gone, I could hear you in the walls, you know,â she mentioned proudly as an aside.
Bruno chuckled. âIâm guessing you were the one responsible for the conveniently âforgottenâ food left in the kitchen?â
Doloresâ face assumed a guilty expression. âGuilty?â She glanced out of the corner of her eye towards Julieta, who wasnât paying attention.
Bruno waved off her concern. âHey, no sweat. You mightâve just saved my life with that, so thank you. So whatâs up?â
âWell, since I could hear you in thereâŠâ Dolores brushed a strand of hair behind her ear nervously. âI heard some of your performances.â Her voice sounded more confident now. âAnd I am just dying to know what happens with JosĂ© and MarĂa!â
âOh.â Bruno appeared taken aback.
âDo they end up together? Or does Carmen break them up? What happens next? I need to know!â Dolores squealed, gripping his arm tightly.
âYou really are your motherâs daughter, arenât you?â Bruno shook his head good-naturedly. âOkay, so I donât have all of it planned out yet, but hereâs what I was thinkingâŠâ
They walked together as he narrated to her, his words punctuated by excited gasps and squeals.
Eventually, the family meandered inside. The kitchen became a whirlwind of activity, underscored by overlapping conversations. Finally, dinner was ready, and everyone took their places at the table, with Bruno at the head.
Next to him, Alma stood up, raising her glass. âTo our family. May we never be separated again.â
Glasses clinked together at the first of many reunited Madrigal family dinners.
#bruno madrigal#pepa madrigal#julieta madrigal#encantober#camilo madrigal#dolores madrigal#felix madrigal#agustin madrigal#antonio madrigal#alma madrigal#encantober 2023#encanto#reunion#foreveranevilregal writes#writing encanto#the important thing is i tried#i had a super long day at work today#please be nice
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i just need to ??? about a man
#today i had work coffee w [musician guy]#and we were v profesh/cordial to start#understandably it was awkward-- our first 1:1 convo#in like almost 3 years#and then we were talking about when i was so sick#and he said by the way sry about my dog he loved that died#and i kinda brushed it off like 'yea thank you'#and he got v teary and was like#'no i'm so sorry i'm really so sorry'#so here i am sipping my drink you know#and he's like 'i loved you so much. i was so scared. i'm sorry'#and i said 'it's okay [blond man]'#and i meant it???#and i recognize that this is the bare minimum#and that it took-- again-- almost 3 years#but he was actively hostile towards me for so long#that i feel like now at least we can exist in the same downtown#it was not a super personal convo! we don't need to ever have another super personal convo!#we don't even need to be friends!#but idk idk relief for me to be done with#i didn't even have to mention his wife having my face??#LONG DAY TBH!!!!!#tbd tbd tbd
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sits here. my mood has been swinging back and forth like a pendulum lately
#i still can't bring myself to make anything art-wise. and it is ripping me to shreds internally#i have no motovation whatsoever and i'm feeling disgusted by my creations. like that's the best you could do huh mixer?#i dunno. trying to keep calm. i'm going to my uncle's tomorrow to puppysit for 3 days#i'm happy that i'll see puppy but being out of my house will be stressful.#plus i've still got work to go to...#and i need to do the laundry and take out the trash and stop buying uber eats and forward my snap benefits email and.#and later today after high school lets out i'm going to talk with an old teacher i had#i need to change my bedding too..#i at least took a shower yesterday#i think my ptsd has been acting up in the background or something#my other uncle tries to tell me to let go of the past. but i don't want to. my past has forever impacted the way i'll be for the rest of-#-my life yk? and my 'past' wasn't even that long ago. it was 2/3 years ago. and my brother's still with that awful man#i can't pull him away from him.#i just wanna sleep. might take a sleep med early just to take a nap#i've been hating everything i make so like. why even try yk.#i drew one thing while i was hospitalized- a tiny sane jack head#i dunno. i dunno. i feel so empty. my depression's been super bad. i don't enjoy things that once made me happy#i feel so aimless. i'm thinking about going to college but i have to see what scholarships would be available because i can't work this job#WHILE in school. it'd wear me to the bone#i don't want to quit my job though. i like my job. i like my boss and my coworkers..#i dunno. idfk what's wrong with me anymore. i just want the pain to stop man.#i dunno what i want to do with myself but i feel like a. fuck it ik it's from firework but i feel like a plastic bag in the wind#i'm so tired. i miss my mom. i miss my sister. i miss my brother.#vent#delete later
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early voted today âïž
#I don't want to be dealing with trying to take time off work to go when the lines will be super long day of#I had some extra time today before an appointment and the second place I tried did NOT have a line out the door#so I was in and out in like 10 minutes which was nice!
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#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work#blocked it all out#my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer#breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries#they just diagnosed her two weeks ago#so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends#because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well#but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work#on top of my fulltime#which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it#but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this#for the coming four months at least#so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT.#i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes#then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe?#which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week#which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc#i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer#came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry#but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat#bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said âi hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.â#ïżœïżœbecause the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.â#and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually#but seeing her anger made me see my own anger#and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic#i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more#so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise#doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal#and i am not joking#so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back
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i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there
#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru#but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days#and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay!#and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing#i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail#i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time#not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me#im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me#anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early#i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great#and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most#expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth#but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans#but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated#about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like#u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends#w yall. things happen#abby talks#and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw#a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes#OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it#was years ago but also like christ!
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send help. it's supposed to be 91 degrees tomorrow. on my day off :(
#a sock speaks#work tag#food tag#it was high 80s today but I didn't even notice bc the air conditioner at restaurant job is punishingly high powered#I was wearing my long sleeved undershirt and leggings without any discomfort#but I have to run errands tomorrow and my car has no AC. the house also has no AC but is okayish at staying cool.#I wanted to make pizza today but didn't have time. might be too hot for pizza tomorrow :( but my ingredients are aging in the fridge#I finally got a paycheck but it's for the 2nd period I worked. I'm missing the first one and need to talk with the regional manager#and he's only in on Thursdays#also gotta request a day off to go to Portland with my cousin in 2 weeks#also gotta request off for orchestra which also starts in 2 weeks#also my aunt is trying to recruit me for a caregiving job and I'd have to take 3 weeks off to get trained#it'd be super easy to schedule both jobs once I'm trained but the training is a big time commitment#also restaurant job scheduled me for all graveyard shifts this week. if I can't adjust my sleep schedule I'll have to give a firm no on it#also gotta go to the bank to deposit my check and. uh. all of August's tips (terrifying)#also gotta call a vital records office in Maine about my mom's birth certificate bc we're trying to take her to Canada for her birthday#I don't think we have enough time but my sister wants to do it#also I want to finish knitting this sock that I started in June. I just have the toe left#also I finally confirmed the color and pattern for a baby blanket I'm preparing as a gift so I gotta get yarn#also I need to buy blackout curtains to fit my windows so I can sleep in the day if I work nights#also sometime this week my sister is cleaning the church. I want to go with her so I have an excuse to get ice cream from a shop nearby#also I need to clean my room and I should hang up the art prints & postcards I've been collecting for months#most of them are green to match my decor but some are just characters or scenes I like#oh! I also owe a postcard to a school friend#I had caffeine for the first time in several days and my brain is buzzing. there's so much I want to do and I have time to do it#and I'm excited about it!
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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surprise panic attack???
#that hasn't happened in at least like five years#idly realized i'm double booked for pretty much my entire weekend#and i didn't get done half the shit i was supposed to get done today#and i'm having surgery on monday (which i'm thrilled about) but everything MUST be done before then T.T#had the passing thought that i forgot to warn my partner about a last minute schedule change with work for the weekend#and i think i just bunny trailed a lightning round of thinking about e v e r y t h i n g that needs to get done and i got super overwhelmed#hence panic attack#been so long i forgot what it feels like and it took me a heck of a while to realize what was happening#think im going to end up calling out of all but my two pre-req tests i'm running this weekend#they're only an hour each#uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh time is passing too slow (i want it to be surgery day T.T) and too fast (there's too much to do between then and now)
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all I wanna do is have a hot bath, curl up with a blanket and watch tv for hours. preferably ghibli.
#I have two more hours left of work#technically I could leave right now. I didn't even have to come in today.#but it's been a quiet day cause of the weather so I've only been mostly cleaning#and the later I leave the less chance I have of running into my father at home#but I also talked to my sister (cause she now knows) and I'm going over to her and place for dinner and staying the night#and she has such a different viewpoint on my dad since she's been out of the home for so long#I'm just scared that she's gonna ridicule me for how I'm reacting. saying I'm being overdramatic.#I want to hold to my actions cause I don't want him in my life.#but I think now it's truly just. starting to sink in. that this is my reality now.#I had like two cups of coffee today (I never have coffee) so I was super hyper at like 10 this morning#but then I crashed#and even now I just feel. so odd. numb. disgusted.#like I think I'm actually starting to process this.
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had beef with one of my coworkers today đ
#â ai rambles#imagine what kind of an asshole you have to be to make me mad lmao#anyway at first i thought she was just a slow worker yk and thatâs ok!! but turns out sheâs just fudgeling all day long and work keeps#piling up and itâs either me or my other coworkers that have to do HER job#i was absolutely furious today when the office was full and i had to work on two contracts at the same time#and asked her (super friendly btw) if sheâs able to take care of one simple car sale contract#and she was like âwell leave the docs there iâll get to them once i finish this thing for tomorrowâ#what is this thing â nobody knows đ#and itâs for tomorrow???? while you have clients right now RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU đ#and i snapped at her bc i also have appointments tomorrow i have to prepare for but priorities!! and common sense#people are here right now!!! waiting for you to spare 20 mins of ur precious time so they can stall their car đ#sell *#half of the time i have no idea what sheâs doing and working on tbh and weâre not a big office like usually everyone knows what each one of#us is working on but her tasks are always a mystery a myth if you will#not very proud of myself for my choice of wording things but i was so sick of it atp and she snapped back at me but took the clients#lmao so i feel fulfilled
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Why is pulling an all dayer harder than pulling an all nighter
#when i lived in Philadelphia i worked nights-ish#like until 11pm at the latest#but i worked in a high energy place and my roommates were nught owls so we would stay up until like 2am hanging out#then id go play with my rats or be on my laptop while they roamed about my room and that lasted about an hour#and then i just stayed awake until 9am when i had to take out my dog. play with him for like an hour#and then sleep five or less hours before i went to work#it was a horrific schedule btw#one of my old roommates is a sleep scientist and when i explained my sleep schedule to her she said#'it wont kill you in a way youll understand'#which is the most ominous thing I've ever heard and it came from the sweetest cat lady poly lesbian with the nicest girlfriend#since then ive gotten a lot better because my job wants me to work at 11am#so now i sleep midnight to 9am and if i work i generally dont nap because my shift takes up prime napping time#but on days i dont work? gotta nap unless im doing something else#today i went to a coffee shop and then the library for a total of like four hours#i was very productive on things that dont have a deadline and arent super important in the long run but they were fun#and i got to drink two lovely energy drinks that taste like orange dreamsicle#then i went to the library and they have little booths for laptop users with charging ports right in the booths#but i didn't get a nap because i did all that and then played unknown armies#and ive been sleepy the whole day. so why could i stay up all night every night in the past but cant last a day without a nap?#im like a toddler#i miss staying up all night actually. the sunrise is nice. but i cant wake up early enough to see it#i once took my little dog on a sunrise walk and then ordered door dash for a bagel breakfast sandwich and a hot chocolate#what a wonderful day. and then i went to work and that job was pretty fun#and i know that was so bad for me to stay up like that. but i kinda miss it#cuz this staying up all day shit is hard
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I really should know better than to watch dumb romcoms while I'm 90% sure I'm ovulating.
This time it was Netflix's Love in the Villa trying to make me cry.
#is this tmi? maybe. but this is the tmi site.#look ok romeo and juliet holds a special place in my heart and not because i've read the play#i've never ever read the play at all#but i've worked on 3 different productions of it in different formats and each time was a turning point in my career#so it means a lot to me so adding R+J references to this movie's dumb romcom-ness just makes me emotional#i say dumb romcom super super affectionately#literally the last 2 days i had pain that i get every few months right by my right ovary that tends to coincide#with the time that my period app says i'm ovulating. i don't actually pay attention to ovulation since i don't need to.#(yay being perpetually single and somewhere on the asexual spectrum)#but if i notice that pain i'll check the app and usually it's within a couple of days of its prediction#and that suddenly made the last few days make a lot of sense since i was like... YEARNING. yearning and longing.#like i realize now that that's probably why 2 or 3 days ago i went into a ramble in the tags of a post#about a conversation i had on a date but the topic was really only sorta related to the actual post but i just kept going#and ruminating on the conversation and our texts afterwards and him ghosting me a couple weeks later#and me simultaneously being like 'eh. he was nice but i'm not hurt.' and also 'WHYYYYYYYYY' over that situation from MONTHS ago#and i think that's why i had a dream 2 days ago the featured the ex of a celebrity crush. all adjacent. to the yearning.#anyway. love in the villa was cute. i'm always here for my knight babies from merlin. i laughed out loud at certain points.#and gasped and aw'd at others and was feeling all the emotions by the end.#on that note. i'm gonna go rewatch Set It Up for the 10 billionth time since it's just unironically one of my faves#and i have some stuff to crochet#oh and today is also the 15 anniversary of the last day of my first period. yes i remember these very specific things.#so add me realizing that fact to all the other weird emotions about ovulation.
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ranting in the tags bc this is not something i wish to talk to irl ppl about also my wasd is broken
#i went out with my cousin today#he begged me to#and we went to his best friends house#and his best friend is this dude#who#idk#he's kind of narcissistic#but#he's really funny#and we went to his house#and i got to pet his dog#but i get the feeling that he just like doesn't like me#he seems a little mysoginistic sometimes#and i don't like that feeling of talking to somebody who just doesn't like your existence#he's like a nice dude#but like#yknow#and the thing is he's so attractive lmfao#he's genuinely just built like that like perfect bone structure n shit#i don't think i neccessarily have a crush on him but like im just so intimiddated by him lmsnkjbksu#i think he kind of sees me as an extension of my cousin#so he just kind of ignores me while im there#im also super awkward so it feels like im a burden when im there#like he talks to me im like wwelp time to ddie now#i had a long day at work too so maybe thats a contributing factor#anywho#his doggie is nice hes a poodle rly ssoft and sweet let me put his hair in a bun
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Twenty years ago, February 15th, 2004, I got married for the first time.
It was twenty years earlier than I ever expected to.
To celebrate/comemorate the date, I'm sitting down to write out everything I remember as I remember it. No checking all the pictures I took or all the times I've written about this before. I'm not going to turn to my husband (of twenty years, how the f'ing hell) to remember a detail for me.
This is not a 100% accurate recounting of that first wild weekend in San Francisco. But it -is- a 100% accurate recounting of how I remember it today, twenty years after the fact.
Join me below, if you would.
2004 was an election year, and much like conservatives are whipping up anti-trans hysteria and anti-trans bills and propositions to drive out the vote today, in 2004 it was all anti-gay stuff. Specifically, preventing the evil scourge of same-sex marriage from destroying everything good and decent in the world.
Enter Gavin Newstrom. At the time, he was the newly elected mayor of San Francisco. Despite living next door to the city all my life, I hadnât even heard of the man until Valentines Day 2004 when he announced that gay marriage was legal in San Francisco and started marrying people at city hall.
It was a political stunt. It was very obviously a political stunt. That shit was illegal, after all. But it was a very sweet political stunt. I still remember the front page photo of two ancient women hugging each other forehead to forehead and crying happy tears.
But it was only going to last for as long as it took for the California legal system to come in and make them knock it off.
The next day, weâre on the phone with an acquaintance, and she casually mentions that sheâs surprised the two of us arenât up at San Francisco getting married with everyone else.
âEveryone else?â Goes I, âI thought they wouldâve shut that down already?â
âOh no!â goes she, âThe courts arenât open until Tuesday. Presidents Day on Monday and all. Theyâre doing them all weekend long!â
We didnât know because social media wasnât a thing yet. I only knew as much about it as Iâd read on CNN, and most of the blogs I was following were more focused on what bullshit President George W Bush was up to that day.
"Well shit", me and my man go, "do you wanna?" I mean, itâs a political stunt, it wont really mean anything, but weâre not going to get another chance like this for at least 20 years. Why not?
The next day, Sunday, we get up early. We drive north to the southern-most BART station. We load onto Bay Area Rapid Transit, and rattle back and forth all the way to the San Francisco City Hall stop.
We had slightly miscalculated.
Apparently, demand for marriages was far outstripping the staff they had on hand to process them. Who knew. Everyone whoâd gotten turned away Saturday had been given tickets with times to show up Sunday to get their marriages done. My babe and I, we could either wait to see if there was a space that opened up, or come back the next day, Monday.
âIsnât City Hall closed on Monday?â I asked. âItâs a holidayâ
âOh sure,â they reply, âbut people are allowed to volunteer their time to come in and work on stuff anyways. And we have a lot of people who want to volunteer their time to have the marriage licensing offices open tomorrow.â
âOh cool,â we go, âBackup.â
âMake sure youâre here if you do,â they say, âbecause the California Supreme Court is back in session Tuesday, and will be reviewing the motion that got filed to shut us down.â
And all this shit is super not-legal, so theyâll totally be shutting us down goes unsaid.
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We donât get in Saturday. We wind up hanging out most of the day, though.
Itâs⊠incredible. I can say, without hyperbole, that I have never experienced so much concentrated joy and happiness and celebration of othersâ joy and happiness in all my life before or since. My face literally ached from grinning. Every other minute, a new couple was coming out of City Hall, waving their paperwork to the crowd and cheering and leaping and skipping. Two glorious Latina women in full Mariachi band outfits came out, one in the arms of another. A pair of Jewish boys with their families and Rabbi. One couple managed to get a Just Married convertible arranged complete with tin-cans tied to the bumper to drive off in. More than once I was giving some rice to throw at whoever was coming out next.
At some point in the mid-afternoon, there was a sudden wave of extra cheering from the several hundred of us gathered at the steps, even though no one was coming out. There was a group going up the steps to head inside, with some generic black-haired shiny guy at the front. My not-yet-husband nudged me, âThatâs Newsom.â He said, because he knew I was hopeless about matching names and people.
Ooooooh, I go. That explains it. Then I joined in the cheers. He waved and ducked inside.
So dusk is starting to fall. Itâs February, so itâs only six or so, but itâs getting dark.
âShould we just try getting in line for tomorrow -now-?â we ask.
âYeah, Iâm afraid thatâs not going to be possible.â One of the volunteers tells us. âWeâre not allowed to have people hang out overnight like this unless there are facilities for them and security. Weâd need Porta-Poties for a thousand people and police patrols and the whole lot, and no one had time to get all that organized. Your best bet is to get home, sleep, and then catch the first BART train up at 5am and keep your fingers crossed.
Monday is the last day to do this, after all.
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So we go home. We crash out early. We wake up at 4:00. We drive an hour to hit the BART station. We get the first train up. We arrive at City Hall at 6:30AM.
The line stretches around the entirety of San Francisco City Hall. You could toss a can of Coke from the end of the line to the people whoâre up to be first through the doors and not have to worry about cracking it open after.
âUh.â We go. âWhat the fuck is -this-?â
So.
Remember why they werenât going to be able to have people hang out overnight?
Turns out, enough SF cops were willing to volunteer unpaid time to do patrols to cover security. And some anonymous person delivered over a dozen Porta-Poties thatâd gotten dropped off around 8 the night before.
Itâs 6:30 am, there are almost a thousand people in front of us in line to get this literal once in a lifetime marriage, the last chance we expect to have for at least 15 more years (it was 2004, gay rights were getting shoved back on every front. It was not looking good. We were just happy we lived in California were we at least werenât likely to loose job protections any time soon.).
Then it starts to rain.
We had not dressed for rain.
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Here is how the next six hours go.
Weâre in line. Once the doors open at 7am, it will creep forward at a slow crawl. Itâs around 7 when someone shows up with garbage bags for everyone. Cut holes for the head and arms and youâve got a makeshift raincoat! So youâve got hundreds of gays and lesbians decked out in the nicest shit they could get on short notice wearing trashbags over it.
Everyone is so happy.
Everyone is so nervous/scared/frantic that we wont be able to get through the doors before they close for the day.
People online start making delivery orders.
Coffee and bagels are ordered in bulk and delivered to City Hall for whoever needs it. We get pizza. We get roses. Random people come by who just want to give hugs to people in line because theyâre just so happy for us. The tour busses make detours to go past the lines. Chinese tourists lean out with their cameras and shout GOOD LUCK while car horns honk.
A single sad man holding a Bible tries to talk people out of doing this, tells us all weâre sinning and to please donât. He gives up after an hour. A nun replaces him with a small sign about how this is against Godâs will. She leaves after it disintegrates in the rain.
The day before, when it was sunny, there had been a lot of protestors. Including a large Muslim group with their signs about how âNot even DOGS do such things!â Which⊠Yes they do.
A lot of snide words are said (by me) about how the fact that weâre willing to come out in the rain to do this while theyâre not willing to come out in the rain to protest it proves who actually gives an actual shit about the topic.
Time passes. I measure it based on which side of City Hall weâre on. The doors face East. We start on Northside. Coffee and trashbags are delivered when weâre on the North Side. Pizza first starts showing up when weâre on Westside, which is also where I see Bible Man and Nun. Roses are delivered on Southside. And so forth.
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We have Line Neighbors.
Ahead of us are a gay couple a decade or two older than us. Theyâve been together for eight years. The older one is a school teacher. He has his coat collar up and turns away from any news cameras that come near while we reposition ourselves between the lenses and him. Heâs worried about the parents of one of his students seeing him on the news and getting him fired. The younger one will step away to get interviewed on his own later on. They drove down for the weekend once they heard what was going on. Theyâd started around the same time we did, coming from the Northeast, and are parked in a nearby garage.
The most perky energetic joyful woman Iâve ever met shows up right after we turned the corner to Southside to tackle the younger of the two into a hug. Sheâs their local friend whoâd just gotten their message about what theyâre doing and she will NOT be missing this. She is -so- happy for them. Her friends cry on her shoulders at her unconditional joy.
Behind us are a lesbian couple whoâd been up in San Francisco to celebrate their 12th anniversary together. âWe met here Valentines Day weekend! We live down in San Diego, now, but we like to come up for the weekend because itâs our first love city.â
âThen they announced -this-,â the other one says, âand we canât leave until we get married. I called work Sunday and told them I calling in sick until Wednesday.â
âI told them why,â her partner says, âI donât care if they want to give me trouble for it. This is worth it. Fuck them.â
My husband-to-be and I look at each other. Weâve been together for not even two years at this point. Less than two years. Is it right for us to be here? Weâre potentially taking a spot from another couple thatâd been together longer, who needed it more, who deserved it more.â
âDonât you fucking dare.â Says the 40-something gay couple in front of us.
âThis is as much for you as it is for us!â says the lesbian couple whoâve been together for over a decade behind us.
âYou kids are too cute together,â says the gay coupleâs friend. âyou -have- to. Someday -youâre- going to be the old gay couple thatâs been together for years and years, and you deserve to have been married by then.â
We stay in line.
Itâs while weâre on the Southside of City Hall, just about to turn the corner to Eastside at long last that we pick up our own companions. A white woman who reminds me an awful lot of my aunt with a four year old black boy riding on her shoulders. âCan we say weâre with you? His uncles are already inside and theyâre not letting anyone in who isnât with a couple right there.â âOf course!â we say.
The kid is so very confused about what all the big deal is, but thereâs free pizza and the busses keep driving by and honking, so heâs having a great time.
We pass by a statue of Lincoln with âMarriage for All!â and "Gay Rights are Human Rights!" flags tucked in the crooks of his arms and hanging off his hat.
Itâs about noon, noon-thirty when we finally make it through the doors and out of the rain.
Theyâve promised that anyone whoâs inside when the doors shut will get married. We made it. Weâre safe.
We still have a -long- way to go.
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Theyâre trying to fit as many people into City Hall as possible. Partially to get people out of the rain, mostly to get as many people indoors as possible. The line now stretches down into the basement and up side stairs and through hallways Iâm not entirely sure the public should ever be given access to. We crawl along slowly but surely.
Itâs after weâve gone through the low-ceiling basement hallways past offices and storage and back up another set of staircases and are going through a back hallway of low-ranked functionary offices that someone comes along handing out the paperwork. âItâs an hour or so until you hit the office, but take the time to fill these out so you donât have to do it there!â
We spend our time filling out the paperwork against walls, against backs, on stone floors, on books.
We enter one of the public areas, filled with displays and photos of City Hall Demonstrations of years past.
I take pictures of the big black and white photo of the Abraham Lincoln statue holding banners and signs against segregation and for civil rights.
The four year old boy we helped get inside runs past us around this time, chased by a blond haired girl about his own age, both perused by an exhausted looking teenager helplessly begging them to stop running.
Everyone is wet and exhausted and vibrating with anticipation and the building-wide aura of happiness that infuses everything.
The line goes into the marriage office. A dozen people are at the desk, shoulder to shoulder, far more than it was built to have working it at once.
A Sister of Perpetual Indulgence is directing people to city officials the moment they open up. Sheâs done up in her nun getup with all her makeup on and her beard is fluffed and be-glittered and on point. âOh, I was here yesterday getting married myself, but today Iâm acting as your guide. Number 4 sweeties, and -Congradulatiooooons!-â
The guy behind the counter has been there since six. Itâs now 1:30. Heâs still giddy with joy. He counts our money. He takes our paperwork, reviews it, stamps it, sends off the parts he needs to, and hands the rest back to us. âAlright, go to the Rotunda, theyâll direct you to someone whoâll do the ceremony. Then, if you want the certificate, theyâll direct you to -that- line.â âCanât you just mail it to us?â âNormally, yeah, but the moment the courts shut us down, weâre not going to be allowed to.â
We take our paperwork and join the line to the Rotunda.
If youâve seen James Bond: A View to a Kill, youâve seen the San Francisco City Hall Rotunda. There are literally a dozen spots set up along the balconies that overlook the open area where marriage officials and witnesses are gathered and are just processing people through as fast as they can.
Thatâs for the people who didnât bring their own wedding officials.
Thereâs a Catholic-adjacent couple there who seem to have brought their entire families -and- the priest on the main steps. Theyâre doing the whole damn thing. Thereâs at least one more Rabbi at work, I canât remember what else. Just that there was a -lot-.
We get directed to the second story, northside. The San Francisco City Treasurer is one of our two witnesses. Our marriage officient is some other elected official I cannot remember for the life of me (and I'm only writing down what I can actively remember, so I can't turn to my husband next to me and ask, but he'll have remembered because that's what he does.)
I have a wilting lily flower tucked into my shirt pocket. My pants have water stains up to the knees. My hair is still wet from the rain, I am blubbering, and I canât get the ring on my husbandâs finger. The picture is a treat, I tell you.
There really isnât a word for the mix of emotions I had at that time. Complete disbelief that this was reality and was happening. Relief that weâd made it. Awe at how many dozens of people had personally cheered for us along the way and the hundreds to thousands whoâd cheered for us generally.
Then we're married.
Then we get in line to get our license.
Itâs another hour. This time, the line goes through the higher stories. Then snakes around and goes past the doorway to the mayorâs office.
Mayor Newsom is not in today. And will be having trouble getting into his office on Tuesday because of the absolute barricade of letters and flowers and folded up notes and stuffed animals and City Hall maps with black marked âTHANK YOU!âs that have been piled up against it.
We make it to the marriage records office.
I take a picture of my now husband standing in front of a case of the marriage records for 1902-1912. Numerous kids are curled up in corners sleeping. My own memory is spotty. I just know we got the papers, and then weâre done with lines. We get out, we head to the front entrance, and we walk out onto the City Hall steps.
It's almost 3PM.
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There are cheers, thereâs rice thrown at us, there are hundreds of people celebrating us with unconditional love and joy and I had never before felt the goodness that exists in humanity to such an extent. Itâs no longer raining, just a light sprinkle, but there are still no protestors. Thereâs barely even any news vans.
We make our way through the gauntlet, we get hands shaked, people with signs reading âCongratulations!â jump up and down for us. We hit the sidewalks, and we begin to limp our way back to the BART station.
Iâm at the BART station, weâre waiting for our train back south, and Iâm sitting on the ground leaning against a pillar and in danger of falling asleep when a nondescript young man stops in front of me and shuffles his feet nervously. âHey. I just- I saw you guys, down at City Hall, and I just⊠Iâm so happy for you. Iâm so proud of what you could do. Iâm- Iâm just really glad, glad you could get to do this.â
He shakes my hand, clasps it with both of his and shakes it. I thank him and he smiles and then hurries away as fast as he can without running.
Our train arrives and the trip south passes in a semilucid blur.
We get back to our car and climb in.
Itâs 4:30 and we are starving.
Thereâs a Carls Jr near the station that we stop off at and have our first official meal as a married couple. We sit by the window and watch people walking past and pick out others who are returning from San Francisco. We're all easy to pick out, what with the combination of giddiness and water damage.
We get home about 6-7. We take the dog out for a good long walk after being left alone for two days in a row. We shower. We bundle ourselves up. We bury ourselves in blankets and curl up and just sort of sit adrift in the surrealness of what weâd just done.
We wake up the next day, Tuesday, to read that the California State Supreme Court has rejected the petition to shut down the San Francisco weddings because the paperwork had a misplaced comma that made the meaning of one phrase unclear.
The State Supreme Court would proceed to play similar bureaucratic tricks to drag the process out for nearly a full month before they have nothing left and finally shut down Mayor Newsomâs marriages.
My parents had been out of state at the time at a convention. They were flying into SFO about the same moment we were walking out of City Hall. I apologized to them later for not waiting and my mom all but shook me by the shoulders. âNo! No one knew that theyâd go on for so long! You did what you needed to do! Iâll just be there for the next one!â
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It was just a piece of paper. Legally, it didnât even hold any weight thirty days later. My philosophy at the time was âmarriage really isnât that important, aside from the legal benefits. Itâs just confirming what you already have.â
But maybe itâs just societal weight, or ingrained culture, or something, but it was different after. The way I described it at the time, and Iâve never really come up with a better metaphor is, âItâs like we were both holding onto each other in the middle of the ocean in the middle of a storm. We were keeping each other above water, we were each otherâs support. But then we got this piece of paper. And it was like the ground rose up to meet our feet. We were still in an ocean, still in the middle of a storm, but there was a solid foundation beneath our feet. We still supported each other, but there was this other thing that was also keeping our heads above the water.
It was different. It was better. It made things more solid and real.
I am forever grateful for all the forces and all the people who came together to make it possible. Itâs been twenty years and weâre still together and still married.
We did a domestic partnership a year later to get the legal paperwork. Weâd done a private ceremony with proper rings (not just ones grabbed out of the husbandâs collection hours before) before then. And in 2008, we did a legal marriage again.
Rushed. In a hurry. Because there was Proposition 13 to be voted on which would make them all illegal again if it passed.
It did, but we were already married at that point, and they couldnât negate it that time.
Another few years after that, the Supreme Court finally threw up their hands and said "Fine! It's been legal in places and nothing's caught on fire or been devoured by locusts. It's legal everywhere. Shut up about it!"
And that was that.
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When I was in highschool, in the late 90s, I didnât expect to see legal gay marriage until I was in my 50s. I just couldnât see how the American public as it was would ever be okay with it.
I never expected to be getting married within five years. I never expected it to be legal nationwide before Iâd barely started by 30s. I never thought Iâd be in my 40s and itâd be such a non-issue that the conservative rabble rousers wouldâve had to move onto other wedge issues altogether.
I never thought that I could introduce another man as my husband and absolutely no one involved would so much as blink.
I never thought Iâd live in this world.
And itâs twenty years later today. I wonder how our line buddies are doing. Those babies who were running around the wide open rooms playing tag will have graduated college by now. The kids whose parents the one line-buddy was worried would see him are probably married too now. Some of them to others of the same gender.
I donât have some greater message to make with all this. Other then, culture can shift suddenly in ways you canât predict. For good or ill. Mainly this is just me remembering the craziest fucking 36 hours of my life twenty years after the fact and sharing them with all of you.
The future weâre resigned to doesnât have to be the one we live in. Society can shift faster than you think. The unimaginable of twenty years ago is the baseline reality of today.
And always remember that the people who want to get married will show up by the thousands in rain that none of those whoâre against it will brave.
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had a very weird dream the place I worked was in the marine exploration industry and I was presenting a review of a deep sea probe we were retiring and then woke up extremely abruptly bc my body started digging my uterus out with a million tiny blunt spoons YOWIEEEEOWWW
#fuckinghellllll this pain is smth else entirely. trying to be normal abt it bc its 2am and im so tired please let me go back to sleep#filled a hot water bottle so now we wait for that to do its thing and ill take some ibuprofen#ohhhhh just realised i only have 3 ibuprofen capsules left. and a full day of work in 6 hours... chuckles. im in danger ahahaa#fuck me okay ill get up half an hour earlier and go to tesco before i get my bus i think it opens 7am so should just be able to make it#i take it back abt that organ post can i get my reproductive system removed đ„čđ„čđ„čđ„č#it has no right being this bad im not in FUCKING labour GET A GRIP!!!!!#grabbing my tubes and shaking them and shaking them and yanking them out#swear i had more ibuprofen than this where the fuck is it.#so annoying the premier near my work doesnt open until 8:15 bc thats exactly when my shift starts đđđđ#wait maybe theres a tesco nearby nvm nah just google mapsed and its barren around there#so i have to go before i get my bus. okay okay thats fine. setting my alarm for 6am. its that or killing myself#it has been. half an hour now is it going to lessen!!!!!!#JUST FOUND ANOTHER PACK IN MY BAG BUT ITS EMPTY THIS IS SO CRUEL......#okay. sorry this is so disjointed im clawjnf at the walls and then i come bacm and type another tag and then i claw some more#im gonna refill my hot water bottle and please let me sleep please i cant do work on so little and also in so much pain#jesus ill see how i feel when i wake up again maybe i should call in sick#so devastating i cant take codeine on these meds bc that was the only thing that helped :-( i need to ask if there are alternatives#or maybe i should go med free while im on my period so i can take it. but idk how long it has to be out of my system to be safe#and i dont want withdrawal ughhhhhh#hate usinf a hot water bottle during the summer its too warm for this. miserable. wait i should dm my flatmate if she can spare a little#ik n she might need it to take on holiday but just enohgh for today would be so good wah#and then i dont have to leave.so super early#okay ill do that then putting phone down so i can try sleeping even with pain pleaseplease#goodnight :-(#.diaries
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