#i had a covid scare and when i tested negative i was like OH FUCK YES THANK GOD I HAD PLANS

[brainrotdotorg]

Its PARTY TIME BABEY!!!!!

[ebonybow]

I'm just venting this isn't going to make sense. It's been a bad week with chronic illness. A virus going through my family (not Covid) and a virus going through a friend group that I hung out with last week (Covid). I've been testing negative but I almost wish it was positive so that I could have a legitimate reason (in the eyes of others) for feeling the way I do. I've been full body exhausted since Monday and I joke and say oh I'm just lazy haha but I genuinely don't want to live like this anymore. I want to be active I want to exercise without feeling like I wanna die. I want to go for walks alone without being scared I'm going to black out. I want to stop feeling like I'm embarrassing to be around because I just can't keep up. I don't want to be the lazy pathetic fat friend anymore but I don't see a way out and I'm just. So tired. I just tried to sort out my laundry (it's been piling up for weeks and I just don't have it in me to go through the process when it feels like a million steps) and I had literal sweat rolling down my face after ten minutes it's so fucking embarrassing. There's so much to do and not enough in me to do it. I just want to lay down and rot.

[polyfrag-kero]

(vent)

i hate living here

yesterday our "mother" was going over the side effects of our medicine and mentioned how one of them is tinnitus. i recently told her about us having tinnitus. she tried to say that our medicine was causing it, and when i told her that we've quite literally had tinnitus for years (we never told her because of how she reacts), she raised her voice and started saying "oh thats some bullshit, get the fuck out of here, you have NOT had tinnitus for years" and shooed me away

this is EXACTLY why we never tell her anything until it's too late. she never believes us

the same thing happened with our chronic pain. she took us to a doctor years ago for it and the doctor (who didn't even let me finish my sentences) claimed that we just needed to work out more and that it was just caused by isolation during covid??? he blamed it on us, saying we hadn't been moving around enough, when its so much more than that. i shouldn't have had to struggle to pick up a plastic water bottle. but of course, mother agreed with him. so later on when i complained that i PHYSICALLY COULD BARELY MOVE FROM THE PAIN AND FATIGUE, she just said "the doctor said nothing was wrong! you just need to work out more" while smiling (she smiles when talking if she thinks shes right) and pretty much dismissed me. when i told her i wanted to start using my cane again, she said "oh stop being so dramatic, you don't need that" (she loves calling us dramatic, she does it almost every day)

oh, and of course there was the time we were diagnosed with asd (back in highschool), and she made our school test us. it came back negative, just like every other test they'd given us (cause that hs SUCKED with diagnoses, all our friends with autism were diagnosed with anxiety), so now she refuses to believe it, EVEN THOUGH MULTIPLE PROFESSIONALS AGREE THAT WE ARE AUTISTIC

not even to mention the time she put her hands on me after i turned 18 during a severe ptsd episode because she didnt care/believe i was triggered (i was too scared to call the cops then, i would in a heartbeat now)

i just, hate living here

- 🐀

[littlegreenlog]

Looking at the Present, the Past, & the Future - I'll Just Share & I'll Just Ask

Where I Am Now

So, I've had COVID for the past 6 days including today. I've been testing negative and pretty good, but I'm still tired, a little unfocused, and a little head discomfort. This is the second confirmed time. I was lightly sick for a few days before the launch of the Climate Gallery and it felt like COVID, but I never tested positive.

So, this time comes after a work trip to New Orleans. Getting COVID away from home was a huge fear for me. Truthfully, I'm very pitiful when sick. The first time I had COVID it lasted for 11 days and I really struggled all those days. Also, COVID is scary! We all stayed home for many months (and in the Bay and for me, for years). Another reason it scared me is that I've always worried about the expense of having to stay somewhere, change flights, etc. And I really don't want to get other people sick either. It's hard to care for yourself in a place you don't live without being around other people at least some. Even if you're masking, it's hard to know if that's enough. And those folks don't deserve to get sick just cause you're around.

That's why when this happened, I was really scared. The people I was with weren't particularly helpful when I really needed help making decisions and things, but it was good to know they were there, and they did help make it easier in moments.

I think I did a pretty good job handling my affairs. I was able to get Paxlovid which helped it seem less severe this time. I'm so thankful for that. It was a struggle because during a telehealth appointment with fucking One Medical, they said, "Oh, if you're not in California, we can't help you." This is so absurd to me. Borders are so absurd. The US is barely a joint country, we're like separate countries. And even if you're in another country, you should be able to get care from your provider. And what about the oath to help people? Ugh. I did start crying at this point because I didn't know where I was going to stay or how I could get care, but I was able to find help in other ways. Honestly, though, it shouldn't be this hard to get medicine to help you when you're sick. Our priorities in America are so misplaced.

The short version here is that after reflecting on everything, I know I did a good job taking care of myself (and Nik and Mom were SO amazing and supportive and loving), but I do realize one thing that I should really work on:

Learning: I need to get better at asking for help and, when doing so, being explicit about what I need. I often give people too many outs and options. It's not their fault that they don't help me the way I need them to if I don't ask clearly for what I want from them. I always expect people to read me and go the distance that I would for them, but that's not something that ever happens and I'm often disappointed.

The Past

Today, I've spent some time looking at a lot of my past Tumblr nonsense. There weren't many personal posts, mostly reblogs, but even so, it's funny because that person who posted those things feels really different than the person I am today, but also very similar. I still love cute things and sweets and comics and video games, etc. But the majority of the posts were from my Senior year of high school and first 2 years of college. At that time I was interested in so many different things and that makes me proud of that past self, but I was also so sheltered and just young. And sometimes I felt very cringey at my past self. Even so, I tried my best to leave those posts be, so that I can look at them again someday and smile about the goofy kid I was. I definitely had some good smiles and memories from reviewing these. I wish that I had used Tumblr when I was in Korea or when I moved to the Bay. It has been a cute log of a few years of my life.

The Future

I think I'm going to try to use this space more to just get ideas out into the world. Even though no one sees them here (that actually might be better for me), I think I'm too locked away and scared of society.

To give myself some props, in many ways in my life, I'm super good a putting myself out there. To the point that I often take up too much space in a conversation, or end up being the leader of the group, or start a non-profit and host a VR gallery launch because I decide I can and want to.

Even so, I'm often too scared to share my cringy, real self. I'm too scared to ask for help and to inconvenience people. I'm scared to share my shitty crafts and designs and art.

So instead of being scared, I'll just share it. So it'll be here, for future me to look at one day and have some good memories.

[xxdereksfanficsxx]

Osomatsu/Male reader part 4

Okay guys, definitely kicking myself a little on this part. Maybe it's time to find someone that would beta read for me, and like... Help me perfect this shit before I post it so I quit embarrassing myself by posting parts I'm not 100% happy with- but at least I'm okay enough with it to post, so here it is! The much awaited part 4. Sorry it took a few days, I was struggling to write this part, because I came down with a cold (tested covid negative, thankfully), so like... This one is also a little shorter than usual because of that, but I have lots of ideas for this, so it definitely won't be hard to continue, so worry not guys.

Pairing: Matsuno Osomatsu/Male reader

TW: Mentions of sex (honestly that's throughout this whole fic though, but like... There's lots of perversion in the show so we'll just go with it, though there's nothing explicit here), mentions of cigarettes

Summary of part 4: Osomatsu gets home, and of course his brothers totally overreact when they see their eldest with hickies on his neck, and find out he got laid and that he definitely is not straight. They chill out a little, and Osomatsu has a little heart to heart, gossipy kind of conversation about his night with Karamatsu.

Disclaimer: I don’t own the character or series

Taglist: @xsamuu

“I’m home,” Osomatsu said, his words echoing off the walls. Everyone was busy doing their own thing- his mission was to just get upstairs without anyone really noticing, because once one of his brothers saw him, it was going to be all over. He made it to the foot of the stairs, and glanced around for a second, before turning to make his way up- only to face Ichimatsu. Osomatsu hated when he scared him like that, the freak. But now wasn’t the time to think about that.

“Osomatsu-niisan…” Ichimatsu greeted, with a deep voice. Osomatsu squirmed a little, watching Ichimatsu examine him with squinted, suspicious eyes.

“I-Ichimatsu…” Osomatsu stuttered, and Ichimatsu stepped closer.

“Where are you going in such a hurry?” Ichimatsu asked, Osomatsu feeling like he was being tortured with interrogation, knowing Ichimatsu was noticing everything he was worried about him noticing, and purposely waiting to ask him about it.

“What? I’m not in any hurry,” Osomatsu responded, trying to stay cool, and squeeze past his brother. Ichimatsu moved so that he couldn’t get past him.

“Oh, yeah? You seem like you’re in a hurry. Is it because you don’t want anyone to know about… Your hickies there?” Ichimatsu questioned, and Osomatsu could swear to god he sees a dark aura around this man.

“Shh!” Osomatsu shushed him. “I just don’t want to talk about it yet… That’s all…” He muttered.

“Talk about what, niisan?!” Jyushimatsu had come up behind him out of practically nowhere, scaring the shit out of Osomatsu. He put his head in his hands, as his other three brothers curiously milled in to see what the ruckus was about. His nosey brothers, he couldn’t keep a secret from them for even five minutes after getting home.

“Hey, what’s that on your neck?” Choromatsu inquired.

“Hey, are those-” Todomatsu started, Karamatsu interjecting,

“Love bites?!”

A silence fell among the six brothers, all of them squinting suspiciously at Osomatsu. He was sweating under the pressure, his face red with a blush that swept across his cheeks. He took a deep breath, and heaved a heavy sigh- next thing he knew, the six of them were in their room, sitting in a circle on the floor. Osomatsu felt like there was a spotlight on him, his five siblings eyeing him, waiting for some sort of explanation.

“Okay, so… I know what it looks like, and yeah, I totally got laid.” Osomatsu said pridefully, hiding his fear with a shit-eating smirk aimed at his virgin brothers.

“Of course you can count on your oldest brother to lose his virginity first!” He exclaimed.

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!” His five siblings exclaimed in shock. Clearly they weren’t expecting him to say he went all the way.

“Who would want to fuck you?!” Todomatsu cried out, with an almost disgusted expression on his face.

“Seriously, who?!” Ichimatsu emphasized, with an equally sour expression, and Osmatsu was agape, his eyebrows furrowed.

“What?! What do you mean, ‘who would want to fuck me’?! Why do you say that like it wouldn’t eventually happen!” Osomatsu questioned exasperatedly.

“Clearly, because it would have happened to me first.” Todomatsu stated boldly, sparking a quarrel between him, and his other four brothers, about who would have definitely lost their virginity first, should any of them lose it at all, talking like they didn’t even believe that Osomatsu had done so.

“Well it didn’t happen to any of you, because it happened to me- so shut up already, dammit!” Osomatsu shouted, effectively breaking his brothers up.

“Then tell us who it was already, idiot!” Choromatsu complained, and Osomatsu went silent, as did the others, waiting for him to say something. He swallowed hard, and looked away, rubbing his nose anxiously.

“Look, um…” Osomatsu started, his brothers watching him expectantly.

“Don’t make a big deal of it, okay guys?” Osomatsu muttered, looking down, the pressure to reveal who he lost his virginity to, to reveal that it was his best friend, no- his now boyfriend, it made him feel almost shameful. Even though he now knew what you had accidentally told him about a few of his brothers, he still couldn’t help but feel like they were going to judge him, especially since this was something that he took incredible care to hide from his family, and here he was, about to just totally out himself, after he spent all this time trying to lock that part of himself away, all the work he put into keeping it hidden…

“Tell us, Osomatsu nii-sannn!” Jyushimatsu whined in suspense.

“It was… ___…” Osomatsu finally said, whispering your name inaudibly. Karamatsu quirked an eyebrow- he was pretty sure he knew.

“Who?” Choromatsu asked.

“___.” Osomatsu stated again, just loud enough for them to hear, and there was a shocked silence. Osomatsu felt his face get hot.

“But… Isn’t he your-” Todomatsu started, Osomatsu cutting him off.

“My boyfriend. Or. Well… He-he’s my boyfriend now. And he’s still my best friend! Just… We’re just more than just that now…” Osomatsu rambled, overexplaining himself.

“YOU have a b-b-boyfriend?!” Choromatsu fainted.

“You liked ___ back?” Karamatsu asked.

“You knew ___ was into Osomatsu?!” Todomatsu questioned his brother.

“”Osomatsu niisan is GAY?!” Jyushimatsu and Ichimatsu shrieked together.

Osomatsu wished he could just… Disappear. He knew they would overreact. It would probably be slightly less of a big deal, if you weren’t friends with all of them, and it would have definitely gone over much more smoothly, if it was a chick. After his wild night with you, Osomatsu wasn’t really even sure he was even into chicks at all.

“Didn’t I say don’t make a big deal out of it?! Damn, guys.” Osomatsu stressed, and his brothers sensed his anxiety, and backed off. Eventually, the siblings dispersed, once again minding their own business, although, Karamatsu hung back.

“So, brother…” Karamatsu started. Osomatsu didn’t really mind that Karamatsu stayed, that he wanted to talk to him- he was a little more understanding, than the other four, less judgmental… Despite how it may seem around the rest of their brothers, Osomatsu actually had a good, genuine, and close relationship with Karamatsu.

“Do you mind if I ask how it happened? Was it romantic?” Karamatsu gushed, and Osomatsu blushed a little.

“I mean… Well, no, not really, uh… It kind of just happened?” Osomatsu responded, feeling unsure. Karamatsu leaned in, all ears.

“Look, I’m not gonna go into full detail or anything, but… Well, I showed up at his place, and he was outside with a cigarette, and we shared a smoke, and then had some oden, and then, we were thinking about going to the pachinko parlor, but we ended up going to the bar instead,” Osomatsu explained, his brother listening intently.

“And we played some pool, and got drunk. Um… It’s a little hazy after that… He was telling me there was this guy he couldn’t stop thinking about, and I didn’t know he was talking about me, and I said something like… Like that I thought I was into guys, and I remember he asked if I wanted to kiss him…” Karamatsu raised an eyebrow, as his brother spoke.

“Oh, so you kissed him? What… What was that like…?” Karamatsu asked, almost hesitantly, blushing a little bit. Osomatsu rubbed the back of his neck.

“Well… It was amazing, man. His lips… Were soft. And, it was raining…” Osomatsu mustered, trying to remember what exactly their first kiss felt like.

“And then, after that we were in his bedroom, and…” Osomatsu trailed off.

“Wh-what was it like when you…?” Karamatsu asked.

“It… It was fucking amazing, Karamatsu. I was so drunk… But I remember how it felt, it was just… Ohh, man…” Osomatsu replied, biting his lip kind of hard. It was a little awkward to talk about- as much as he wanted to tell the details he could remember to someone, get it off his chest, it would be incredibly weird to talk to his brother about it… Even if he wanted to hear the details. This made Osomatsu incredibly conflicted, because he also didn’t have anyone else to talk to about it- it wasn’t like he could just gush to his best friend about it- you are his best friend, afterall. The brothers sat in an awkward silence- Karamatsu was probably thinking about this as well.

“Well, brother… You don’t have to continue, it is personal, though you would be doing your favorite brother a service… If you did want to keep talking about it, you know, so I could… Know what it’s like, through you, my dear brother,” Karamatsu rambled, cringing internally a little. He definitely could have worded that better.

“Well…” Osomatsu started, swallowing. “Um, he was, uh… On top, I remember, and it felt so good when it happened… But now my ass hurts!” He complained, and Karamatsu bit back a laugh. Osomatsu continued to describe what he remembered- it was the least he could do for his brother that might remain a virgin forever. Osomatsu felt like he was just lucky. After all the fails, of his own and of his siblings, it really felt like it was total chance that you even wanted anything to do with him in this way. He still could barely believe it. That he was no longer a virgin, that he scored a boyfriend, that someone loved him back. That it was you.

Now that all of his brothers knew, he knew that it was only a matter of time before their parents heard about this as well. Osomatsu felt like he knew what was coming though… Once they recover from the shock of discovering one of their sons finally lost their virginity and got a partner, he knew they would likely start nagging him… ‘Now, why don’t you get a job?! And move out, now that you have a partner?! Are you finally going to stop being a lazy NEET?! Your poor, old parents! We can only take care of you for so long! One of you will finally fly the coop!’

Oh, how fun that will be…

[writing-in-april]

Any Iteration

Spencer Reid x Female Reader

Summary: Reader is nervous that this new iteration of her won’t be something Spencer will like.

A/N: This is my first fic for my 1250 follower celebration!! If you want another fic with nipple piercings check out my first smut ever- Surprise Pretty Boy. It’s also based on this request that my amazing girlfriend @spencers-dria gave me- also please go send her some love she just tested positive for covid 🥺 Also again thank you all for 1250 followers- I can’t believe this is my 4th follower celebration!! I’m planning to continue to do them every time I hit another milestone (every 250) however- if I hit one while I’m doing my 30 fics in 30 days for April I’m going to find an alternative way to celebrate besides my usual 7 fics in 7 days- let me know what y’all would be open too (maybe a bunch of fic rec lists or maybe a writing contest 🤷‍♀️ idk send me an anon if you have an opinion on what would be the best option!) Thanks for reading and requests are open!

Warnings: 18+, Non specific dom, Nose piercing (F), Nipple Piercings (F), Lots of nipple play, Unprotected sex, Slight bit of cockwarming at the end

Main Masterlist Word Count: 2.1k

Spencer wasn’t one to get angry about anything, disappointment or frustrations were the most extreme negative feelings that he normally felt towards someone that had wronged him. I was dreadfully afraid to see the look of disappointment on Spencer’s face.

We hadn’t been dating for long, only about three months of official dating. We also hadn’t gotten much further than a heated makeout session so he wouldn’t have seen any of the other piercings I had hidden under my shirt.

I had other piercings that weren’t visible to the naked eye that didn’t help quelling the fear that I felt. He had never taken off my shirt before as we had decided to go at a relatively slow pace in our relationship. I wondered in fear if he would also be disappointed with the barbells that were pierced through both of my nipples or- would he like them because they were not as prominent as the ring that was proud on my face.

I had said I’d meet him at his apartment to watch some Dr. Who and eat whatever take out we were feeling like that night. My nerves were lit with worry as I stood in the elevator after he had buzzed me up.

When he opened the door to his apartment to let me in I held my head slightly down as I walked in not wanting to have the conversation about the nose ring while I was in the hallway.

“Do you like it?” The words slipped out immediately when I turned to face him, not even letting him get a good look at me before speaking, my voice meek.

“Like what?” He was still confused, until I pointed to the ring that was pierced through my nose. “Oh- of course I love it!”

“Thanks, Spencer.” I fidgeted with my fingers a little still feeling nervous even though he had said he loved it.

“Why do you look so nervous?”

“I was afraid you wouldn’t like it.” My admission made Spencer frown and silence fell between us for a second while he pondered my words.

“I’d love any iteration of you.” There was no hesitation when he spoke. He always had such a way with words, including when he was ranting and of course his stuttering when he was embarrassed or nervous. His eyes were wide with adoration as if he’d never consider thinking you were anything less than gorgeous.

A rush of boldness came through me, wanting to show him what else I had hidden. My fingers danced along the hem of my shirt, maybe this was moving a bit faster than what we had spoken about earlier. But, I wanted to show him, to either let it lead to something more or to let him know what he was looking forward to when we made that step at a later date.

“Well- if you like this one I have another piercing that you might enjoy…” My voice was still holding a bit of tension, he may have liked the nose ring- but would he like the others?

When I pulled off my top his eyes went wide, his pupils expanding into black pools, he did not stop me. Then when my bra went off finally exposing the barbells that sat under my clothes everyday he was stunned speechless. I withered a bit under his gaze, fearing that my boldness had scared him. “I’m sorry if that was too much.”

He cut me off by speaking quickly, “N-not too much- just ummm- shocked??”

“Do you like them Spencer?” My confidence had returned a bit since he had confirmed that he did in fact, like them, but I still was holding back a bit.

When he gasped out a little ‘yes’ I decided to stop holding back, stepping closer towards him.

“You can touch them Spencer, that’s part of the reason why I got them.” I leaned in to press a soft ghost of a kiss to the shell of his ear making him shudder, I then whispered, “it makes them more- sensitive.”

A groan from deep in Spencer’s chest rose up quickly taking me by slight surprise. His large hands then rose up to finally palm my breasts, his hesitation had been whisked away by my words.

When he was no longer satisfied with palming my boobs he reached up with one hand to pinch my left nipple slightly. The slight sting sent a shock of pleasure down my spine in an instant, my panties dampening further in quick response.

A moment of silence passed, the tension suspended thick and heavy in the air before Spencer spoke, “Did you like that?”

I knew it was a rhetorical question, but I still answered with a slight whimper in my voice, “Yes!”

The confident smirk on his face was something I hadn’t seen much of from Spencer, but I was thoroughly enjoying it. He pinched them both this time- and much harder too. The moan I let out was almost pornographic which spurred Spencer on to continue to pinch them, rolling the buds between his fingers before pulling again.

When he moved forward to wrap his lips around one of my nipples I felt like I had gone to heaven. As he laid kisses all along my chest I couldn’t help but try to grind my hips up into him, however I couldn’t from the position I was in.

I was tired of not being able to touch Spencer in the way I wanted, I wanted to give him some pleasure too. I pulled his mouth off of me momentarily so I could push him down to sit on the couch to be able to straddle him properly. He had whined a bit in protest at first, but when my legs that were now stripped of their clothing slung over his lap his complaint died in his throat.

My core rested right over the prominent bulge in his slacks now. I smirked cheekily a little bit before grinding down onto him.

His lips captured my nipple again, this time the one that had been slightly neglected. This time he also decided to bite his teeth down slightly and nibble a little.

“Harder, please!” I gasped as I continued to rock my hips over his clothed cock. He thankfully obliged me by taking my perked nipple and slightly sawed it back and forth between his teeth. The pleasure that came through me from his actions far outweighed the pain, the moan that came falling from my lips was a sign of that.

A squeak then fell from my lips as I was suddenly lifted up and then set on my back. I guess he had gotten impatient from my teasing.

“You’re needy.” I commented with a smirk. He had been unbuttoning his pants when I spoke, but paused when the words came out of my mouth. He then pinned my hands above my head with one of his own and dipped the other between my folds.

“Who’s really the needy one here?” I definitely liked the little taste I was getting of this side of Spencer, that was firmly evident by the amount of slickness was evident on his fingers when he brought them up to my mouth. I wrapped my lips around his fingers eagerly before he could pull them away bobbing my head as much as I could in my constricted position pinned underneath him.

“Fuck-“ He swore which was another normally uncharacteristic thing for Spencer, it spoke to his own neediness. Though I could not make a remark about it as his fingers were still far down my throat.

When he removed his fingers he also lessened his grip on my hands that had been pinned. I wiggled out of his grip to help him get his slacks out of the way. I didn’t care if I was needy as he had said, I was tired of the teasing and my arousal was so prominent I could feel it dripping down my thighs.

He didn’t need any preparation either, his erection looking almost a little painful. ThoughI was more caught up with observing how beautiful he looked- which wouldn’t normally be the adjective someone would use, but it perfectly described Spencer’s cock.

He filled me slowly, letting me feel every vein and letting himself feel every ridge. After he filled me all the way to the hilt he stopped for a moment, just to relish in the feeling of being impatient. I however was too impatient.

“Please move, Spencerrrr…”

“And you say you’re not the needy one…” He commented with another smirk that was now becoming a staple on his face, I never wanted it to leave. I moved my own hips, squirming underneath him to try to coax him into moving.

When he finally obliged me by snapping his hips quickly up into me I couldn’t help but involuntarily make a desperate moan.

It wasn’t long until he had created a steady rhythm along with me. The pace we had set wasn’t rushed, but was still desperate in a way. His thrusts were deep and quick, but he always paused a minute moment at the end of each thrust to appreciate me fully.

Our hands couldn’t stop exploring each other while he kept up our pace. From the amount of time Spencer was lingering to play with my boobs you’d think he was obsessed, maybe he was just a little. He also made sure to pepper kisses all along my neck, jaw, and face. He even made an effort to kiss the tip of my nose, making everything much more sweet.

I however had decided to rest my hands on his hips and ass, sometimes pushing him forward slightly when I felt our pace faltering slightly. When he started to pick up the pace I could feel my pleasure starting to come to its peak. I was going to fall over the edge soon and fast.

“I’m gonna cum!” I gasped, almost so whispley that it was barely sensical. Spencer was able to still understand my words, pitching his hips to hit at my sweet spot more intensely. Then he moved his dexterous fingers down across my boobs pinching my nipple on last time before he spoke,

“Go ahead, I want you to cum for me.”

My hands wound their way into his hair trying to grasp onto something as my orgasm washed over me in waves of pleasure. Spencer too wasn't too far behind, his own triggered as my walls clamped down tightly around him. We rode out our highs together, our heavy breaths mingling in harmony as we started to come down.

Spencer’s gaze was still heavily fixated on my body as we both caught our breath again. His eyes were glanced down at my naked chest, pupils still wide with wonder as he got to fully take in the sight without being clouded by lust. I couldn’t help but want to tease him a little.

“Hey, my eyes are up here, mister.” I said cheekily, though I could tell that he had definitely missed my joke by the look on his face.

“Sorry!” His little squeak was adorable and he started to move his way off of me with averted eyes until I stopped him.

“Spencer- I was joking.” The smile that was prominent on my face then morphed into a coy look. I moved my hands down to cup my own boobs before continuing while I pinched my nipples like he had done, “You’ve got permission to look anytime you want.”

His shoulders slumped a little as they always did when he was relieved, I was happy to see his own smile back matching mine.

We had no desire to move from our position, at least for a little while until I had to get up to clean myself. But, I was content to bask in bliss with Spencer for a while.

He brought me out of my thoughts by booping the tip of my nose with his pointer finger, my nose scrunching up a little in response. I giggled a little bit, moving my own pointer finger up to boop his own cute little button nose.

“Maybe you’d also look good with a nose ring.” He snorted loudly into my ear, making another fit of giggles erupt from me. At least this time my joke was caught by Spencer.

“Maybe so, but no. I’d like it better on you anyway.” His goofy little smile brought me such joy. In hindsight I should have never worried about Spencer loving my piercings, he’d think I was beautiful no matter what iteration I was. The little kiss he left on my nose was a testament to that.

—-

Tag list (message me if you want to be added):

All works:

@shotarosleftpinky @90spumkin @kyra-morningstar @s1utformgg

Spencer Reid/CM

@calm-and-doctor @destiny-tsukino @safertokiss @slutforthegubes

[cargopantsman]

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

Trigger warnings: All of them, because I am lazy. Also none of this is sensical.

Utter, hyper-caffeinated brain noise.

The problem with the concept of a "sense of self" is it already tries to concretize an amorphous abstract. It makes us want to point at some thing and say "Well... that's me." Whether it is a set of ideals that we try to live by, a set of activities that brings us a sense of joy or fulfillment, or, gods forbid, and entirely different and other person that "completes us."

I've always had an affinity for trickster figures and shapeshifters. The wearers of masks, the truthful liars, the artisans of duality, yada, yada. Since I was a child my first instinct has always been to blend in. If into the background, great, but if need be, if I needed to blend into the social fabric around me, I could do that too. To throw this into the high school backdrop; I wasn't a social butterfly, I was shy as could be, but I got along with the jocks, the goths, the nerds, the art freaks, the band kids, the preps, the whatever. Where ever I was I could fake that I belonged there. I was comfortable drifting in between worlds. (Looking back, I could have caused a lot more chaos with the information I was privy to at the time...[Oh, there's a constant point. I'm good at keeping secrets, keeping confidence. I'll lie my ass off to keep a secret.]) Does any of that really help drive a sense of self though? When your natural instinct is to mirror, to blend, to fade? When your point of pride is walking into a room unnoticed and, even better, leaving a party unseen? Does being a ghost count as an identity?

"Expression of Will" comes to mind... what does that mean? Ok, so some abstract thing is inside of you and you manifest it objectly outwardly. I was an artist. I made images in my head and "kind of" manifest them on paper. Some times people see that paper...  I was a writer... images in my head "became" words and some people saw that. I combined them into comics. Some people Saw that. Is that a lasting affect? Maybe the fights I've been into?! That time in 2nd grade someone was picking on a friend and I laid them out... the time in 8th grade someone was picking on me and clocked them down. Or in high school when someone decided to start some rumors and I held them up by their throat in the air until they turned blue? That was an inward thing that manifested outwardly. Nevermind good or bad, but was any of that... me?

Hmm. The beast. The primal... come back to that later.

"Expression of Will," "Expression of Will," "Expression of Will" ... What the fuck even is "Will"? Is this why philosophers get their heads so far up their ass? Is it a desire? The will to live.... living requires eating and the amount of times I forget to even do that... Maybe been looking at the phrase all wrong...

Will to Live (noun) It isn't a thing.

Will (verb) to (preposition) Live (verb)

Why does that sound better?

Desire to Live (noun)

Desire (verb) to (preposition) Live (verb)

Okay, that feels better even, but still... Sense of self, will, desire, expressions thereof. Are these just the aimless desires and wills? The fleeting flights of frivolous fancies festering forlornly in frontal cortices?

The self with the will can direct the desires towards living. "Get in the fucking robot Shinji!" "I don't wanna"

The (ghost) with the (strength) can direct the (impulses) towards (being). Getting too close to a concept of a soul on that one huh?

Forget self. It's a useless moniker right now. There is no self. It's just this mind alone for the first time in its entire life. (Not alone alone, there are friends, but they've learned more about me in the past two weeks than the past 6 years so...) "What did they learn?" asked the projection of self that defines itself by interactions with other.

I thought we were forgetting self.... not an option really. Sentience is a bitch like that. But they've learned I'll put up with a lot of bullshit under the guise of strength and integrity when I should've callously called this whole thing ages ago. That I can shut myself down completely in the interest of bodily-self preservation. (Not Self-self preservation, fuck the English language). What did I sacrifice? What did I shut down?

Everything.

That is less than helpful.

The Beast. Vince. Your Shadow.

My Shadow...

What do you desire?

Blood in the cut, tears in their eyes, power over someone that wants that power over them...

Do you want that? I don't want it, I just need it. No... I want it.

Is that all you are? A sadist? An animal?

Maybe... probably not though. A caretaker, and a sparring partner. A trickster and a shapeshifter. A crafter whose tools are destruction.

Next problem, grandeur. Mythologizing everything. But how to see a thing if you don't blow it up/magnify it?

You lack a sense of self because no one ever tested your sense of self. No one actually fought you for who you are. To find out who you are. The ex didn't. An old friend did until she got scared by what she found there.

You don't want to be yourself because it's not nice is it? You were raised to be nice.

College. I controlled the group. Never hit anyone after high school aside from set matches in classes or sparring for funsies. They all saw my eyes and stopped if they were getting out of hand.

The Dom-Friend.

Don't use the d-word on me.

Destroyer? Yeah, that one's fine. That one fits. He says as he carelessly tosses lit matches around his entire life. Can we bring up the phoenix or is that too grandiose? Why shouldn't it be grandiose? We spend every day of our lives going through the same kind of tedious bullshit all the time why not make our inner lives a bit bigger, a bit richer?

A bit darker.

Why do you want them to bleed? Hurt and comfort. That's a big theme, a trope if you will. Why not have both at the same? Why not let her think that I'm about to kill her but let her rest in the trust that I won't? Why not let me think that I'm about to break her while believing she is the most precious thing in the world?

Caretaker. A caretaker kills all the time. Tearing out weeds, uprooting the prized plant to move it to a better place for its growth.

Growth.

The self isn't going to be found just in ones self... not in another either. No, the self has to be found in everything. The things one wants to run to and run from. The soul (oops) is formed by what it crashes into right? The mind recoils from traumas races towards panaceas, why not, if one can, flip the polarity on the two. Bring the darkness screaming into the light so you can see it, bring the light quivering into the darkness so it can loose its terrifying brillance. Balance in all things right?

You're not a very positive person, they say. No... I'm not. It lashes out in bad ways sometimes, sure. Control, control, you must learn control. But being negative isn't bad. Not if you can grow from it. No plant can survive the sun for 24 hours. Trees sleep in the winter. We sleep, we heal, we grow.

Self-Destruction!! That's a fun one... seven fucking months downing a bottle of whisky a night. Whooo boy. Do Not Recommend.

Got a nice stay in the underworld though and trudged up a lot of shit. Now I'm sitting here with my ears ringing because I finally hit the personal limit on Monsters and my brain is overclocked enough I can finally see shit at 4 angles at the same time. I am a god damned quantum supercomputer of emotions right now.

Faith and faithlessness are the same thing. Have faith, trust the future, don't expect anything, don't plan your now for your future. Sounds sadly like live in the moment type bullshit, but life is weird and people are complex. Shifting drifting clueless animals that want to be safe but don't want to get stuck in anothers arms even when there is one whose arms are so safe.

The damage runs deep... and two people with damage running that deep. Hmm. How much healing can falling do? The other just puts a bandage over a puncture wound and both try to ignore it, but then the blood gets pumping, the heart pounds and poisons surge to the surface. It's neither one's fault really. Life is a trial of knives and we don't always have time or concern to tend the wounds properly. There's always something else that needs to be taken care of first.

Divorce is a helluva drug. It is maddening, the freedom to finally to be yourself is line having the lineart stripped off, there is a terrifying infinity in front of you and the only thing to do for awhile is melt. Let the slings and arrows just pierce and sink in. Anyone else tries to push the sludge of you into a shape might get hurt when they find the arrows. I want to go absolutely feral in a way. In a way the whole COVID mess is keeping me under lock and key so I'm just prowling around the empty house like I always have been, but now there's some sense... of purpose.

I'm raging against any depression, the executive dysfunction is going to have a talking to. The sense of self is going to be found in stripping this house down to bare walls and making a blank canvas. Bring everything down, ruin it all, start again.

My self is emptiness, it always has been. I can be anything, but I should be wary of ever wanting to be something. (My career options are AWESOME). But this is a different emptiness than before. Before I pulled the trigger and splattered the brains of the marriage across the floor I was just a void, and inky black pit of nothingness. Somehow, having the Shadow rise up and finally start getting along with the rest of me, the emptiness isn't.... void. It's just nascent possibility and that shouldn't scare me.

It does, of course, terrify me. First time in 40 years being legitimately alone is terrifying, should have done this kinda thing when I was 20, but... I was an idiot back then (60 year old me laughs from the future). But I think I can get a grip on the concept that "I" don't exist, but I'm real... ever changing ever dynamic, not who I was while I was married, but a mix of the me before, a angry beast now, and something yet unseen in the future.

[lovingthereign25]

The Chase

Part 10

You and Roman were sitting on your back porch watching the girls play in the yard. 

Briana was playing with her favorite dolls having a "picnic",while Aaliyah was riding her bike she was ready for her training wheels to come off but patiently waited for her dad to come home so they could do it together.

"Daddy, can we take my training wheels off now please?" She asked.

"Of course my sweet girl, you sure you're ready?" He asks following his daughter to her bike. You watch as Roman talks Aaliyah through taking the training wheels off, explaining that now she has to balance herself out on the bike. You absolutely loved seeing Roman interact with his children, one thing no one could take away from him was the fact that he was an amazing father.

*SummerSlam 2018*

Roman vs Brock was happening again. Were you scared? Yes but you were more so pissed that your husband broke his promise again. Granted the Greatest Royal Rumble wasn't his doing but this one was . 

"Baby, come on talk to me, wish me good luck, give me my kiss and let's do our before match ritual" he smiled.

"Good Luck, Hopefully I'll have a husband to go home to after this" you say 

" Well thanks for the confidence babe, I love you. Today. Tomorrow. Forever." He says kissing your wedding rings

" Love you" you say, pecking his lips before walking to the back where you were sitting with Trinity, Lana, and Renee.

Not only did Roman have to worry about beating Brock but he also had to worry about Braun Stroman cashing in on him if he did in fact win.

Roman was on fire at the start of the match. Superman punch after Superman punch. Spear after spear until Brock caught him in his submission move locked it on just waiting for Roman to tap out. But Roman powered out of it twice. As the match continued you grew move nervous especially when Brock took his gloves off again, but then it happened after Brock took Braun he returned to the ring with a chair only to be speared by Roman. 

1..2..3….."and here is your winner and NEW universal champion...Roman Reigns!"

He did it. Just like he said he would. You  ran out to the ring meeting your husband there he was holding his title. He engulfed you in a hug .

"I love you" you say "Congratulations" 

"Thank you baby, this is for you and the kids. Everything I do is for my family" he smiles 

"Our family" you correct him

"Our family he smiles kissing you

You were standing in the huge picture window of your hotel room enjoying the beautiful view of New York.

"Almost as beautiful as you" you hear from behind you turning to see your husband in only his towel, having just got out of the shower.

"Thank you Champ….now whatta say you lose that towel and let me congratulate you the right way?" You smirk walking over to him.

"Come take it off me" he smirked

You undo his towel tossing it next to you, looking down at his growing length your mouth began to water.

"See anything you like sweetheart?" He laughs

"I do….this guy right here" you smile taking him in your hand pumping him.

"Ahhhh, shit Y/n…. Damn baby" he moans throwing his head back

“Wanna show you how proud of you I am, how much I love you. Would you like that baby?” You ask.

"Please" he begs

 You start pumping him faster as you kiss down his neck to his chest, Roman's moans filling your hotel room.

"Jesus, l need to be inside you baby" Roman says

"You wanna be inside me baby? Wanna fill me up nice and full like you always do?" You ask removing your hands off him..walking him to the bed. You push him back on the bed and climb above him straddling his waist.

"You have no idea how sexy you are when you're like this." You can feel his length grazing your centre.

"Oh yeah, well you're gonna love this " you smirk.

You open your robe revealing your see through the lingerie piece underneath. Tossing the robe aside you align yourself with Roman. Letting yourself sink down onto him. Feeling him fill you completely as he always did. You let out a soft moan as you always did each and every time Roman fully entered you 

"6 years together and you still  make that by sexy little moan like you did the first time" he says proudly

" So big Daddy, I love being full of you" you say getting a steady pace

A murmured ‘fuck’ leaves his mouth when he feel how tight you feel around him, filthy sounds filling the room as you go faster and faster riding Roman like no tomorrow.

"Mmmm baby just like that... look at how good you look when you're on top"  he moans his hands coming up to cup your breasts.

"Damn Daddy.. so deep…. I'm so close " you whipper feeling your orgasm building

"I know babygirl me too" he grunts, squeezing your ass as he lifts his hip to meet your thrusts, having him hit your spot just right to send you over the edge.

"Fucking Christ Ro.. that's it" you moan 

"Y/n… shit baby I'm gonna burst" he moans his thrusting getting sloppy

'' Me too…..cum daddy cum for me"  you moan releasing your juices all over him

As you ride out your high you feel Roman's climax hit him, him grabbing into your wait squeezing your hips as he did.

 "Fuck that was incredible baby" he says coming down from his high

"Glad you enjoyed it big guy…. Congratulations again'' you smile kissing him 

You lay side by side cuddled up to Roman catching your breath

"I love you baby" he whispers

'' I love you…. forever' you smile looking up at him.

*Present Day* 

You patiently waited for your husband to come up from the gym, he spent this entire quarantine working out and eating healthy. You were very proud of him. 

He had taken some time off due to the whole Covid-19 thing, being that you had small children to worry about , his health and the fact that you two were trying to have another baby….but after a few negative ampts you decided to stop trying for a while. So when the idea came of him returning at SummerSlam he jumped at it, but under one condition, he wanted to have a heel turn and Vince had and even better idea make Roman a "Paul Heyman Guy'' you which you weren't too thrilled about nothing against Paul you loved him as a person but you didn't want Roman to be anything like Brock Lesnar was. You hear Roman coming up the stairs  breaking you from your thoughts.

"Hey, Good morning... didn't hear you up here. How'd you sleep?" He asks, wrapping his arms around you.

"Slept great. Who wouldn't after a night like we had " you smirk

"Well...we can pick up where we left off if you want..the girls are out to breakfast with Trin and Jon." He grins

" As tempting as that sounds...we need to talk' you say patting his chest

"Are you breaking up with me?" He jokes making you both laugh

" No that you mention it, and I was thinking about it but something changed my mind'' you play along

' oh and that was?" He asks

"I'm pregnant' you say, showing him the test you had just taken.

Before Roman could say anything Trin and the kids busy through the door yelling with excitement about breakfast. You quickly take the test sliding it into the pocket of your robe. Leaving Roman in the kitchen speechless.

Your lingerie:

[risingsouls]

[I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about it but idk. I don’t want to bother anyone specifically about it (irl or online) so emotional vent under the cut so you don’t have to look]

I’m just...it’s been a rough week (several weeks? months? years? idk but specifically this past week and bleeding into this one).To start at the top, idr if I mentioned it here but my brother tested positive for Covid last week and like...my parents and I are all vaccinated but it’s still been stressful and just flat out frustrating. Outside of worrying about ourselves getting it, my grandpa literally had just come back from stem cell surgery along with my great aunt and uncle who both have pretty significant health issues. None of us knew when my parents went to visit them. We literally found out the next day so the three of us went to get tested. we were negative but it might have been too early so now we’ve just been waiting in limbo a few more days until testing is more viable just to be sure. 

But my mom basically got her ass ripped by them for my brother being a fucking idiot. The reason it’s so damn frustrating is because he hasn’t taken this seriously from the beginning. If he wasn’t forced to wear a mask (and nowhere in this pos city mandated them of course), he didn’t, even in crowded spaces. We urged him to get vaccinated to protect himself, our parents, and my grandpa (my dad is retired and often helps my grandpa out) but he was too scared, even though by then my grandpa, my parents, one of our brothers, and myself had all been fully vaccinated and are just fine. We finally got him to get the the Saturday before last because he was supposed to be working as a para with kids who couldn’t get the vaccine and with this shit show of a town probably wouldn’t be wearing masks because the school system here is also a joke (he got fired from that job immediately anyway, no surprise). But then he got covid anyway. Which he probably wouldn’t have if he got the vaccine months ago when he was able. Add on just...generally worrying about him, about him just dying suddently from covid like one of our neighbors...it’s been rough.

(WARNING. SLIGHTLY MORE POLITICAL(?) HERE I mean not really but fuck this country is a shit show and a health crisis is just a political shit show here SO)

His shit and watching all these fucks complain about places requiring vaccines to go there are just...fucking irritating. Like fuck. Cool. Not getting it is frankly your personal choice. That’s fucking whatever. But stop posting your idiotic bullshit comparing this to the Holocaust (which I can’t BEGIN to explain why that’s absolute bullshit and disrespectful as shit) and whining about how you’re being “forced” to get a vaccine against your will. No one is forcing your plague rat ass. Businesses and even the government have the right to say, “okay, in the interest of protecting staff and customers and as many people as we can, you can’t come here if you’re not vaccinated. Go join the other plague rats elsewhere.” But these fuckers are too busy wallowing in their overbearing desire to be a victim that they’ll compare their situation to fucking genocide to make their likely politically charged decisions sound good. Oh and don’t complain when your dumbasses get this thing to mutate another thirty times and we’re constantly in a damn pandemic.

(END POLITICAL(?) RANT)

To top this off, two people I know died in the past week. The first was more a friend of my brother, but from what I can tell, it sounds like it was suicide. I knew him well enough and idk...it’s been weighing on me when it crosses my mind or I see people talking about him. It’s just sad and horrible and I can only imagine what his close friends and family are going through.

The second person I was actually very close to for a time and she helped me a really rough patch while I was going to school and was just a fun friend both at and away from work. We haven’t talked for a few years (we had a fall out after we went of vacation together but that’s neither here nor there) but a mutual friend/former coworker reached out to me today and told me she died in her sleep fairly suddenly on Friday and they’re not sure how yet apparently. And I guess it just kind of hit me from all directions. My own sadness. Feeling for her family who just lost her dad a few years ago to cancer and knowing that she just had a baby not long ago. And just...that life is so fucking short. People can be going strong one minute and then gone the next so like...idk. I didn’t mean this to get preachy but try your best to live life the way you want. Fuck what others think (unless it hurts others). Be kind and shit (I say after a bullying rant). You never know what people are going through or what might happen in the near future. Check in on your friends even if it’s just a hey what’s up not much convo. It could make their day.]

[aijee]

Some life updates

Dusting off the ol’ Tumblr for a little bit.

I know many parts of the world are in a VERY ROUGH place right now for a number of reasons, so if an added layer of negativity is not for your mental/emotional bandwidth, this post is probably not for you. Mostly venting, predictably. But in case you’re interested in some life updates, there’s a lot of writing below the cut. 

I don’t think there’s anything triggering, but there is some discussion about the pandemic’s effects and mental health.

The last 2-3 weeks have probably been some of the roughest in my life psychologically.

A new hire in my workplace tested positive for COVID not long ago, and I’d already been struggling to work with this person as the one in charge of training them—and they didn’t even tell me until the next work Monday. Fine, confidentiality is important. Fine, I know HIPAA is a thing. It’s a very complex situation that we’re in right now. But the fact of the matter is that I was the only person in close proximity to this person for hours at a time because I was the point person for their training. It’s one thing to be scared of the result, but it’s another thing to be scared and not have the courtesy to warn people you could have affected so they could, oh I don’t know, get tested themselves and try to minimize spread?

Even before this predicament, this hire was awful at communicating, a poor practitioner of teamwork, and rarely took initiative to solve the problems they produced. For a long time, I struggled with the thought that it was my fault that they were like this and I was just a bad trainer. But then a coworker of mine told me that, no, this new hire is an ADULT and has been working in the field prior to joining our workplace, so they should have the maturity and faculties to be a damn better team player. Luckily, this aforementioned coworker has been working longer than I have and was perceptive enough to notice that I’m not going crazy. Plus, our workplace is VERY vocal about social distancing, mask-wearing, and washing hands, all three of which this new hire was appallingly bad at doing (mask off even after drinking coffee; not washing hands regularly throughout the day; standing very uncomfortably close to me.)

Then this week just hit like a fucking truck. I have no idea why, but my body was so unbearably sore. Getting out of bed was an Olympic challenge. I couldn’t even bend over to pick something off the floor. I tested negative this Monday, and body aches are my only abnormal physical symptom as of late. It’s probably a manifestation of stress, honestly, or even some release of its build-up. I had too many time-sensitive responsibilities this week to skip work, and the new hire being out for quarantine effectively doubled what I had to do. Guess who found out firsthand that, hey, 12-hour workdays are actually the worst? And then the sheer anxiety of realizing that you’d messed up some things and your mess-ups were irreversible was honestly debilitating. In the grand scale of my field, it’s probably not a big deal; one person I know had been working on a project for a year and it had to be scrapped or reimagined recently because of inconsistent data. That’s normal here. But anxiety really magnifies small details in your head.

I can already hear previous generations rolling their eyes at my lack of endurance. I remember a time when The Hustle was the very foundation of my life attitude, and I felt so productive because of it. But when you’re (a) in a global pandemic and social isolation undermines a big part of our lives as social creatures and (b) going at 100% in work for so long without stopping because you want some semblance of control in your life, burnout/crashing is inevitable. In fact, I might be in a constant baseline level of burnout right now. As I’m inching towards a better state of mind, I’m becoming a firm believer that our romanticization of overworking ourselves is largely (but not only) a product of capitalism, to maximize our working hours for the benefit of our corporate overlords and minimize our free time to spend taking care of ourselves and spending time with loved ones. (I also don’t work for the livelihoods of anyone but myself, which is undoubtedly a privilege some don’t share, but my point about capitalism still stands since it’s inextricable from American work culture.)

Even weekends are draining. I love my friends, I really and truly do. But I’m an introvert through and through. Talking, laughing, yelling and playing games is really damn fun. God, what a break from work that all is. But I am abso-fucking-lutely empty by the end of several hours’ worth of video calls to the point that I can only lay down on my couch and watch Youtube videos because I can’t even bother opening a laptop or talking anymore. The schedule I have with my friends also necessitates scheduling a lot of personal work, so those added deadlines are also stressful.

I think I just really need a long break from everything to figure things out for myself. No work. No pending responsibilities or assignments. No alarm clock. Just lots of rest, quiet time to myself to read and create at my own pace, and a shit ton of good food.

For any AO3/fic readers out there who might be reading this, I will still be finishing IDOTSC, of course. My life just went somewhat haywire in recent times, so I’m going to allow myself flexibility with the update schedule (especially since I’m not exactly paid to write, so I don’t have an editor biting my tail to finish on a “real” schedule...) I also still very much enjoy writing and have a lot of ideas on the back burner. Writing just takes a lot of mental and emotional energy, which has sorely been lacking as of late.

[junior-goddess]

Ok, so a few months ago I tried to confide in my mom about how my supposed best friend had earth-shatteringly betrayed my trust and exploited a traumatic experience for me, and her response was “oh, I forgot. Anytime someone does or says something you don’t like they’re ‘being mean to you.’” and this honestly was such a stab in my heart (which I let her do to me repeatedly bc I yearn for her love and acceptance, but that’s another issue). She is constantly manipulating and gaslighting me, invalidating my feelings at any and every chance she gets. So now set the stage for tonight with this memory fresh in your mind.

At dinner every night for over a week my stepdad has asked how we’re all feeling about thanksgiving (specifically if we’re comfortable with my brother and his girlfriend, and my stepdads three kids plus one of their partners coming to dinner). We have all said we’re okay with it, every night for a week (I’ll get into why later). The household is currently me, my little brother, my mom, and my stepdad. I nanny once a week and my little brother leaves once a month to buy food for his lizard. That’s all we do, but my parents are different. My mom has 20 different students come to our home each week for private instrument lessons (she did stop for like a month and a half at the beginning of the pandemic), with both parties wearing masks, washing hands when they come in, and sanitizing doorknobs and instruments in between each student (not good but could be worse). My stepdad has not changed his work routine in the slightest and goes in to work 5 sometimes 6 times a week. Most of his department (sales) works from home at least partially, but he claims he can’t because he has to do inventory (which is maybe 4 hours of his entire work week). He’s had 2 ‘scares’ and one test since the pandemic started because he was potentially exposed to the virus from his coworkers when they were in office, but everything was negative. He didn’t disrupt his work routine for this and still went into the office daily.

In addition to this current schedule of our work lives, each potential thanksgiving guest group has been over before during the pandemic. My brother and his girlfriend have visited twice from the next state over. They do not leave their house other than grocery runs and the visits to us. My step sister A has been over once or twice for dinner. My step brother has come over once a week+ since the start of the pandemic, despite having several ‘scares’ (he is a hypochondriac and also just dramatic. All of his tests have been negative). He still goes in to work every day and sees his friends. He claims he wears a mask during all of this socializing but I would be willing to bet serious money that that’s a load of bullshit. My stepsister B and her boyfriend have been over once or twice since the pandemic began as well, but we are pretty confident they make no health concious choices and know they do not wear masks the majority of the time. They claim they already had COVID (despite testing negative when they thought they were sick and ignoring the possibility they could get it more than once). And once during September we had all of the mentioned parties at our house for lunch. We were seated outside but still right next to each other. And at no point during any visits have either my siblings/step siblings worn masks, even when it was all 10 us in September.

So now the issue is, my brother wants to come see us for thanksgiving with his girlfriend. My mom has okayed this but stepdad doesn’t trust stepsister B and her partner so now wants to cancel any visits to make it ‘fair’. I want to see my brother and honestly don’t give a fuck about the step siblings. My stepdad has been trying to ‘convince’ us to tell him to cancel thanksgiving so he can do it without feeling bad, making it just the 4 of us in my household. He told us the state my brother is from ‘has gotten so bad they’re completely shutting down again’ which we (we being myself, my mom, and little brother) know isn’t true and that they’re being preemptive to combat any surges because of the holiday. Since he couldn’t convince us that way, next he brought up that cases are surging in my state with over 7,000 new ones yesterday, which while true, is misleading because those cases are mostly on the other side of the state from us. Our area is doing relatively well. Next he tried to say that even his boss cancelled his thanksgiving, but left out the fact that their holiday was going to have over 30 people there from all over, and has now been cut to just their household, which is not much smaller than our group. And In his final attempt to sway us, he said 2 of his coworkers just got it, but failed to mention that they were in a different department on the other side of the building that he’s had no contact with.

So after a week of him asking us and lying and making himself anxious, I explained to him that I still wanted to see my brother and failed to see how he was going to tell him he couldn’t come. To me, my stepdads not taking the appropriate precautions because he still goes in to work when he doesn’t have to and wears a mask everywhere but his desk, yet has still been exposed now 3 times. More than that, he’s had each member of the family over separately, AND EVEN ONCE ALL TOGETHER. If he was really that worried he wouldn’t have done any of those things. I didn’t really have a say in any of the other visits, but he asked how I felt about this one and I was honest. We’ve already done it, and if he doesn’t want his kids there at thanksgiving bc he doesn’t trust them, then he shouldn’t punish my brother for that and he needs to work it out himself.

Well, apparently he felt like I was making fun of him and making him out to be over reacting (which I think he is but whatever) and that hurt his feelings. So my mom came down to my room to condescend to me and tell me. I don’t think I was rude, sarcastic, angry, or mean in anyway. I was just being honest about how I felt and why, and I relayed it respectfully (not it like a tone or anything). I told my mom I didn’t understand why he accused me of making fun of him, and, get this, this woman said to me “well those are his feelings. You hurt his feelings”. Like, ARE YOU KIDDING?

So basically this was just a novel length explanation to why I’m now boiling with rage. I really need to know if I’m right and she actually is being pretty fucked up, or maybe am I over reacting? I honestly can’t tell, all I know is I’m offended and upset with her for treating me like this.

Also, I don’t think I was mean to my step dad at all. Does it sound like I was? Do I need to apologize or something? My mom is so passive agessive and she’s the only one who raised me so I genuinely do not know or recognize anything below absurdly mean and horrendous behaviors.

If anyone can offer some insight/clarity to this situation from an outside perspective that would be fantastic. And any tips for surviving until I get a job and can move out (other than killing myself :) ) would be greatly appreciated.

Tldr; I hate my parents and want outie

[firelord-frowny]

Anyway, today was scary as shit. :(

Y’all know I fucking hate my grandma lmao she has been a monstrous person for her literal entire life and was a NIGHTMARE to my mom, who still managed to grow up into a very sweet lady in spite of her. 

But like damn, I don’t want her to die! I want her to live as long as possible bc she’s my mom’s mom and my mom would like her to keep living.

And it was just so awful to have to watch my mom frantically trying to hold her mom up after she went limp and started falling out of her chair. She told me to go and get my dad, and so I did, and when my dad and I came back in, she told us to call 911 and so he did, and like 

I really 100% thought that I was about to watch my grandma just die in my mom’s arms. 

I’ve never been in any situation in which 911 needed to be called. All the time, when I’m out and about and pass by some kind of emergency scene where there’s ambulances and flashing lights, I always think about how scared everyone in that house/location/whatever probably is, and how they’re probably petrified and fearing the worst, and their whole body is saturated with pure dread. 

And like. Damn. That was my house today. My house was the house where people gasp a little gasp and go, “Oh, no. I hope everyone there is gonna be okay.” 

My grandma is still at the hospital now, and my mom is back home since they wouldn’t let her stay on account of covid social distancing restrictions. According to the docs, the testing that they’ve done so far doesn’t point to any life-threatening illnesses or injuries, and her covid test was negative (they didn’t actually think she might have covid, but since they’re required to test anyone who has covid symptoms, and covid symptoms run the fucking gammut between Completely Asymptomatic and Drowning To Death In Your Own Lungs, they usually wind up testing everyone. 

So far the docs think that she may have just been dangerously dehydrated, which I guess makes sense bc she used to drink SO MUCH WATER all day every day, but since her dementia has gotten worse, I guess she’s just been forgetting how to recognize that she’s thirsty. And no one in the household had really noticed that she wasn’t hydrating as much as usual, and so no one thought to make sure she drinks something every day. 

Soooo hopefully they’ll be able to release her tomorrow after they give her fluids and whatnot.

Sigh! 

Today was stressful as shit. A hoard of emt’s marching into my house like they’re soldiers about to carry out a tactical mission, so urgent, so well-practiced, everyone doing what they need to do like clockwork because time is of the essence. 

I hated it and I hope to go a looooong ass time before i ever have to see something like that again.

[sastrugie]

hey! i definitely don’t hate you, so please don’t say that :)

i’m sorry i didn’t interact in the last 5 days or so, i’ve had an extremely hectic time but my break has started so i’m all yours <33

can we know the result of your covid test? i so hope it was a negative!!

oof i should definitely check that trilogy out!! thank you so much for the rec xx

the music and culture and just every day life of the cold war era is so interesting, i just absolutely love learning about it, and i adore my grandparents’ anecdotes about it even more *-*

i’m actually interested in the whole dynasty from beginning to end but i’m only just getting invested in them, so like i barely know anything lmao. but so many interesting people and stories and wow i’m fascinated :O

lenin was such an interesting (and problematic lmao) person! tbh, just start with his wikipedia page and then move on to internet articles and docus and then maybe even books? his life was extremely interesting, so if you do feel like it, definitely give it a go!

anne bonny was an irish pirate in the 18th century - one of the most famous female pirates, in fact!! again, highly interesting person

and the civil rights movement is also one of my favourite topics! we have so much in common, oh my lord :D

yees, it is so important to keep a critical eye if you’re interested in history, especially the one of the british lmao. they did so many bad shit, it’s hard to name anything good, honestly. and i completely get that about people! like, most of the time, i don’t even agree with them, their lives and stories just fascinate me and that’s what usually keeps me reading and learning more about them - but i would be the first to point out my problematic faves’ flaws, tbh

oh wow that IS far from history but also really interesting? good luck with your studies; it’s so amazing that you have such a wide range of interests *-*

ah thank you so much, friend. but i get the shit about poor mental health, cos mine is basically non-existent lmao. but i’m also just way too driven to give psychology up because of it and my therapist says not to either, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

sapiens was sooo cool, man!! like i literally can’t believe i took the longest to pick up that book simply because i was *scared*. can’t relate anymore, it’s one of my best reads this year

thank you so much for the recommendations, mate! i’ll be sure to check them out :D

and again, i’m so sorry i ghosted you, i just needed to take some time off but i should’ve sent you an ask about it instead of vanishing - i regret it now but i hope this long arse message is somewhat of a compensation :D

hope you’re doing well, it’s almost christmas eeee

sooo first I want to apologize for me being overreacting a few days ago I just felt so lonely and isolated and again had a depressive wave coming over me where i just want to dissappear and need love and yeah :( thats no excuse! and i want you to know that your life should always come first and tumblr second so dont be sorry for not replying <3

i hope your christmas break started now and you can chill and eat sweets all day!! 

YESSSSS it was negative and im so happy i immediateley drove home to my parents so that i can spend christmas with them:)

yes I think so too and eventhough my grandma and grandpa had the privilege of living in wetsern germany its still so heartbreaking to see how they lost friends and family and none trusted anyone ... quite spooky sometimes... but yeah literature qand music of that period is so interesting and its not even so long ago!

oh theres this book about the romanov dynasty that i really want to get my hands on! it starts with 1613 and goes until 1917 wait here it is

i mean honestly every historical person is a bit problematic lmao but yeah i get why lenin is perhaps a but more than others, i will def check him out and i bought a magazine about paralles between: lenin, the last tsar and putin WHICH SEEMS TO BE SUPER COOL and omg honestyl it always starts with wikipedia doesnt it ;)

omg i need to check out anne then bc WE LOVE STRONG AND COOL BADASS HISTORICAL WOMEN DONT WE

indeed a criritcal eye is so important.. esp with some nations. like in germany we fucked up so much in our history like REALLY and so we were eductaed to have an extremely critial eye when it comes to history, sometimes even too critical (when it comes to other stuff, not our nation, there we cant be critical enough i think!!) and so im always looking for the perfect historical fave and sometimes cancel them when they did like 1 thing wrong but now i came to see that none is perfect :) and iaccept my historical faves flaws and point them out and make fun of them :D but i usually love them

ahhh yes it is (but there is earth history and i love it lmao) 

noo dont give up! i think e3ven people woth mental health problems can become good therapists! dont give up <3

honestly i know the feeling of being scared orf books is so VALID! i was scared of this short biography i just finished abt king george v and it wasnt even as bad (but it wasnt good either) sometimes we3 just need to give things a go hahah

noooooooo dont apologize im glad youre back! <3 merry christmas i cant wait for the reveal hehehe :)

[sparreaux]

Long post, negative talk below. Please feel free to skip.

Basically I keep toggling between “I am losing my fucking mind” and “so disconnected from the world it’s like there’s a glass separating me from reality.

Nick’s going to help me with the goodRx thing so I can get my medications because shockingly enough, it is really hard for me to concentrate on or do much of anything without my medication. Especially things involving numbers.

Nick found out his father has vascular dementia, which explains much of the last year or so. He likes got it from the mini strokes he had. The first thing Nick said after giving me the news was, “He’s never coming back.”

We would like nothing more than to be there physically, to cope and mourn and all that, but I am scared to risk it.

A very close friend of mine has covid pnemonia.(It’s actually four friends so far, but I’m speaking of a specific case.) That’s scary enough, but it was only a couple of weeks ago or so that they came to my house to give me something. Naturally I’m worried, so Nick is also helping me find out where non-insuranced peoples can get tested. I’d probably just ride it out without getting tested unless I or Nick showed symptoms, but now I need to know for his parents’ sake. And I won’t lie, all the crime scene-esque nosebleeds I’ve had lately aren’t exactly reassuring.

Oh, and his sister was exposed because her job, which is in part to visit and care for people with disabilities, doesn’t care about the pandemic when it comes to profits. She also lost both of her pet rats this week and we want to be there for her, too.

Meanwhile, my sister is going through what looks like it will be a messy break-up and I can’t be there to help her. I wish I could trust my mother to, ya know, be motherly and helpful in dire and stressful situations, but she usually prefers to rub salt in all your metaphorical wounds, whether on purpose or accident. Our father is not helpful in the slightest, either.

Speaking of him, he has barely spoken to me these past few weeks and only briefly at my insistence. I wonder if that’s because he offered to send me a hundred dollars over a month ago and has since bought a new truck, so he’s just avoiding me. I told him it wasn’t a problem, that he didn’t need to send anything, that I never even asked him to, but that’s just the way my dad is. He shuts down and distances himself if he feels the slightest bit of guilt. (Something he honestly should feel A LOT more often.) And it’s like, I’m trying to be understanding, but he also really pissed me off before all this happened by calling my brother a girl and “just like y’all’s mother” all because he’s mad at my brother for being tired of bailing his old ass out of the shit he gets himself into.

And through this all, I’m just so very tired. The house is a wreck, I cannot get the dogs to stop making messes in the house, I struggle to walk to the bathroom. People have given and loaned money that I can’t yet pay back. I’m stretched so thin right now. I feel like I’m dangling on a thread and it’s going to snap at some point. Either I’m going to plummet or float away, and I’m not sure which.

[thathonleygirl]

The Beginning

November 2019 – June 2020 Background

I decided to start this documentation of my journey into motorcycling for many reasons, mainly because I want to work on my writing skills and sometimes it’s nice to take a break from the mindless scrolling. I also think I’ll enjoy going back and reading this when I’m less of a rookie I’ll be recreating the timeline from the MSF course to the present from memory. I decided to dive into motorcycling as a hobby for myself, and also as a hobby for me to share with my boyfriend of 2+ years, Chris. Ultimately I can confidently say he inspired me to ride on my own and has been so supportive every step of the way.

November 2019 – MSF Class & getting my motorcycle endorsement I remember this weekend like it was yesterday. It was a freezing weekend and I’m out in the parking lot of RCCC bundled up from head to toe. I was happy it was cold because I was super nervous and excited, and heat stresses me out. There’s about 15 of us in the class, and right off the bat everyone is super friendly because we’re all here for the same thing – there was defiantly a wide range of skill levels and reasons for taking the class – but we’re all there for the same class. The two teachers of the class were AWESOME, and I’ll remember them for the rest of my riding career. They took us through the basics – controls, friction zone, etc. and soon we were riding through the first set of drills. My bike was a Kawasaki Eliminator from the 1800’s and it kept shutting off due to the cold weather. It also was impossible to find neutral, even the instructors couldn’t find it – I was just relieved that it wasn’t operator error. At the end of the 1st riding day they both told me they were impressed and proud of how I did – which meant so much to me considering I had never touched a clutch before, lol. The second day was a little rough, but still a success, mainly because I began to overthink every little thing because I knew there was going to be a test at the end of the day. This is when I first learned the importance of your headspace when on the bike, and how too much anxiety can be catastrophic. That being said, I still passed the class and got my endorsement the next week I really wish I had gotten the contact info for the people in the class, but the excitement of passing the class got the best of me.

March 2020 – Meeting Jolene I’d be lying if I said the process of bringing Jolene home was smooth, and the truth is I have a newfound hatred for dealerships and salespeople, LOL. But it was all well worth it. I went to Team Charlotte Motorsports with the intention of buying a Honda Rebel 500 in all black, but was disappointed when they didn’t have the right colors, and the bike just didn’t feel right when I first sat on one. But oh boy, when I first sat on Jolene I knew she was the one and I knew I had to have her. I’ve always been super laid back but when my mind is set on something, I get DETERMINED. After leaving the dealership because the price was too high, I began to obsess. After a week of negotiating and an extra fiery in-person negotiation, I finally got the price I wanted and Chris rode her home the next day. The whole process was rewarding in the sense of getting what I want and not backing down!

March-April 2020 – Attitude Adjustment I was off to a ROCKY start, and a few times I lost a lot of hope and had a lot of “WTF did I get myself into?!” moments in my first few loops around our neighborhood. My bike felt 100x heavier and harder to maneuver than my Eliminator, and my nerves were getting the best of me. I was scared to even let out the clutch at first. But after a few times stalling, I was doing loops in first gear around the neighborhood. On the third round of neighborhood loops, I was having a moment overthinking a left turn from a stop sign, and dropped the bike after it stalled and jerked in the middle of the turn. It was a devastating moment because my immediate reaction was that I just ruined my brand new bike in less than 100 miles, and the salt in the wound was the fact that I couldn’t pick the bike up. Luckily, a good Samaritan neighbor was close by with help, and the bike was totally fine (just wasn’t in neutral so it wouldn’t start). Not even a scratch, I’m a lucky girl. I spent some time feeling sorry for myself and hopeless but that was getting me nowhere. In that moment, I realized one theme in all my “practice” – I was scared of my bike, and was not taking control over her like I should be. I began to try and change my mindset, and just love the fuck out of her like she was my best friend. It’s crazy how much your mental state affects performance, especially on a motorcycle. As my attitude shifted, so did my confidence and success. After endless neighborhood loops and sideways stares from the neighbors, I finally made it out on the road (just down the street to the nearest park, but out of the neighborhood nevertheless! That was a game changing feeling for me. That is what it’s all about.

April 2020 – Real Deal At this point, im still having pretty intense nerves before every ride, but I have made it out of Edison Square (finally). The first ride ALL THE WAY out of the neighborhood was me following Chris who was driving his truck, leading me on what would become my trusty loop. We wanted to take some pictures for Instagram, which I’ve been trying to grow since I got Jolene. The biker community on social media is AWESOME, it’s incredible how many other riders around the world I’ve gotten to share experiences with and learn from, most importantly being able to “meet” other girl riders. Anyways, during that first mini trip following chris I finally made it into 5th gear and got into some twistys, I was smiling so hard in my helmet the whole time. I feel so close to my bike now and with every ride I feel more in tune, and less intimidated by her. I almost feel like she’s a horse or something, lol. We stopped to take some pictures in front of some office building which was empty because Covid – I felt so uncomfortable taking pictures but Chris was such a good sport in trying to get the best angles LOL. The whole Instagram thing has defiantly taken me out of my comfort zone – but so has riding as a whole – and I never want to go back. After this trip, I started going out on the same trip as much as I could, but still was having intense pre-ride jitters – but with every ride, I felt less anxiety and I could actually enjoy and have fun while still learning and practicing the basics. The post-ride bliss, however, was always an amazing feeling and I noticed that on the days I did get out to ride, I felt more at ease and generally better for the rest of the day. Meanwhile, we are still waiting on chris’s bike to be done getting worked on.

May 2020 – First Group Ride We finally got chris’ bike back after SUCH a long time. It’s crazy how much I worry when he’s riding his bike with me driving the car; but I don’t worry at all about myself when I’m riding lol. Side note – I’m such a lucky girl to have chris and he amazes me on a daily basis. I love how he set up the group ride, knew the route we were going to ride and also planned out how we would meet up with our two friends along the way. Before this ride, I finally just felt excited for the ride, and less nerves in the pit of my stomach. I found myself agonizing over which placement in the lineup I wanted to ride in, weighing out the pros and cons of each – I had to keep reminding myself that I don’t know shit, there’s no point in worrying, and just to trust chris (that option hasn’t let me down yet!) Side rant – im realizing as I ride more and more miles that most of my fears have been irrational. It starts with me conjuring up a situation that I feel would be dicey on a motorcycle, then I obsess over all the possible negative outcomes in those situations, and then I obsess over when I will come across them in my journey. So far – I have not been right a single time. For example – left turn at a yellow blinking light – I wanted to actually reroute my ride to avoid this, but when I was forced to do it, I rode through it with NO issues. It’s crazy what a whirlwind our minds can conjure up with little to no reason or backup to support our fears. Long story short, I need to get over myself and go with the flow, and take each learning experience as just that. Again, chris’s patience is remarkable. Back to the group ride – it was awesome. I was again, smiling so hard in my helmet as chris and I chatted through the turns, as he’s telling me how proud he is of me and just having all the good feelings along the way. So glad we went with the Cardo systems, I can’t imagine the ride without them. We rode over 100 miles through the country around Midland and hit a bunch of turns. I got to practice things I don’t necessarily enjoy, like stoplights, a LOT which was great. I still need to work on speeding up my starts especially turning starts. Getting home from the ride was a great feeling, it’s such a high – the post ride bliss. We got to head to the beach right after for a long weekend, which was much needed. We came home from the beach and chris surprised me with a longboard, which I had been talking a lot about wanting lately. Words just aren’t enough to describe how grateful I am to call him mine.

May 26th 2020 – 2nd Group Ride It’s been raining for the past two weeks, pretty much ever since we picked Chris’s bike up from the shop. Side note – Chris and I are doing a watermelon cleanse from Tuesday through Friday, and we were at the end of day 1 at this point. I didn’t realize how much of a toll the fast had taken on me until I started riding, I was overthinking every move I made and just felt unstable overall. Everything just felt harder, and it was such a reminder of how much your mental state affects your riding. Overall the ride was great and I’m so glad we got out and rode though, the country roads were beautiful and the temperature was just perfect at around 70. I guess I need to focus on the positives here – that the ride was beautiful, we didn’t get caught in the rain and I got to experience new roads. And of course got some great pics. I’ve officially become that girl who takes pictures in the parking lot for Instagram, but I really don’t care because it’s been fun building my social media presence.

May 31st 2020 – 300 milestone Well, I finally did it – I hit 300 miles on the bike, the halfway mark to my first 600 mile service, lol. Last night’s ride was absolutely perfect, I couldn’t have asked for better weather (mid 70’s, not humid at all) and feeling the crisp air as I was passing my previous top speed at 60+ mph was an unmatchable feeling. Every time I have a ride like this, I always think to myself, “This is what it’s all about.” My headspace was at a great spot and I felt confident and smooth throughout the ride. My starts were quicker and more fluent, my turns were smooth and I had less anxiety and anxious thoughts about shifting gears and going through the motions of riding in general. It’s crazy what a few days of healthy food and relaxing will do to your mind – this ride compared to the last entry was like night and day. We took the bikes to Mac’s Speed Shop for dinner – I was excited to ride my own bike there. Once we pulled up and Chris quickly whipped around to back his bike into his spot, I was reminded of my severe performance anxiety yet again, lol. I really need to get over the thought of people watching me and get over myself, people are going to watch what’s right in front of them, and a girl on a bike is sort of a rare occurrence. I feel like when people watch me, specifically men, they are just waiting for me to mess up because how could a girl like me be on her own bike? In reality, I’m sure they are barely even thinking about me at all, LOL. That brings me to something I really need to work on in general. I get really anxious when people watch me and I really need to make a conscious effort to work on getting over that. People are not worried about me – I know this – but rational thoughts get tossed out the window when I’m placed in front of a crowd. This trait of mine exists in every avenue of life – whether it is work, play, whatever; and I need to take time to grow out of this. I think it will help me have less social anxiety and will probably help my confidence which will have residual effects like an improved posture and overall sense of stability. I just wonder if this is a habit that can just naturally be broken with practice/repetition or is this something that requires more attention and effort to fix. Wow – such a rabbit hole, lol, but I doubt anyone will even read this. Back to the ride – I have absolutely loved the feeling of making it home from a successful ride, or “post – ride bliss.” Chilling on the couch with my honey after a perfect ride (for both of us) is my ideal Sunday evening. Chris’s longboard finally came in so we were able to skate over and get ice cream before we called it a night. I just love our life together and think that we truly have the perfect relationship that is a mixture of best friends and lovers that just keeps getting stronger and better with time. I am so happy. With our economy tanking due to a virus in our country that’s being burnt down all around us, he is my peace. To work on –faster upshifting –downshift through EACH gear when approaching a stop (stop banging down all the gears without releasing the clutch in between) –get over performance anxiety –work on maneuvering the bike when off (in and out of parking spots, getting gas, backing out of garage, etc) –ride the bike into the garage myself! I’m so blessed to have Chris to help, teach and support me on this journey. He reminds me I don’t need to be able to do everything immediately but still pushes me to learn and become a better biker when he knows I’m capable of doing something.

June 11 – Making Progress Two big milestones this week. The first is installing my mini floorboards, the second being my skills improving on the bike. Last night Chris and I rode to Gamestop to pick up a Tony Hawk game, and I was nervous for the ride beforehand given the newness of my floorboards along with the general nerves I get before a ride. The ride ended up being AWESOME. I made sure to pay attention and downshift completely through each gear when coming to a stop, and I was able to do it successfully most of the time, lol. Also had way faster starts, and beat Chris out of the stop lights a few times. The feeling of just riding with no traffic or light in sight is unmatchable, especially in 5th gear when it feels like nothing can hold Jolene back. During these stretches of the ride, my thoughts are always revolving around THIS being what it’s all about, THIS is riding, and this is freedom. It’s an unmatchable feeling. I also felt good when we pulled into eastfield for dinner because I was able to smoothly maneuver around the parking lot that was semi-full without issue. Also I didn’t need help when leaving the parking spot outside of gamestop. taking rides after work used to be kind of a fear of mine, and I was usually reluctant to take them in fear that I would be too braindead after a full workday. The ride last night, however, proved this fear wrong. I think no matter the time of day, day of the week, temperature, WHATEVER it may be, it’s all about your headspace and that is the greatest determinant for the outcome of the ride. I’m glad that I’m starting to feel less and less anxiety prepping for and starting out on each ride, the stomach aches and general feelings of fear are melting away with every mile in the seat. Soon I’ll be scheduling my 600 mile service To work on be more gentle when downshifting, especially to first. Stop stomping on the poor shifter ride the bike into the garage myself keep improving engine breaking/downshifting completely through each gear to 2nd or 1st

June 13 – Passing 500 on my first real trip So many milestones (literally) passed this weekend! 1 – passed the 500 mile mark & 2 – first 100+ mile trip! Minus one close-call, the whole trip/day was amazing with my love. We first headed out to Asheboro Harley Davidson dealership, stopping at a couple gas stations along the way. I passed my previous top speed and managed to hit 65+ mph, and I don’t know if that was Jolene’s limit or if it was user-error. Aside from the wind feeling like it was going to blow me off of the bike, it felt exhilarating to ride fast on the open highway. After we left the second gas station, I was following Chris (a little too closely) and the left turn we were supposed to take snuck up on us so I locked up my brakes and skidded (loudly) down the street, fishtailing straight down the street, missing the turn. Mid-way through the skid, the only thought running through my head was “fuck, we’re going down.” Somehow either my reflexes or my guardian angel, or a combination of the two, were looking out for me and Jolene stayed upright. Somehow I knew to kind of let go of the breaks and handlebars and let the bike do its thing, and sure enough I was able to straighten out and stay upright. It was a sobering experience for sure, and it took a little while to gain my confidence back for the rest of the ride. Chris is a patient angel though. We made it to the Asheboro Harley dealership to pick up our poker chips and chill for a little bit, and we were surprised to see it was crowded. It’s such a nice dealership though, they had a food truck serving Greek food, free beer on tap and the MSF course happening in the parking lot that we could watch while eating our lunch. Chris and I talked about how we always feel like outcasts from the “Harley crowd” but the people we talked to were nice. It started getting late so we headed out to the next stop, the Moonset general store near Uwharrie and Badin Lake. The rest of the ride was uneventful, and Chris and quickly became exhausted lol. I kept wondering to myself if I would always feel this tired from riding. It’s just such a mental thing that takes your full attention and effort at all times, and being hyper-aware of your surroundings at all times. There’s also the physical side of riding that involves every extremity in unison just to work the bike controls. I think that’s what makes coming home from a trip feel so rewarding. Once we made it home, we got burgers at Eastfield and called it a night after we both fell asleep on the couch lol. We took a short ride to pinky’s after detailing the bikes on Sunday and that was also a great ride. Short and sweet.

June 23 – Ready for 1st Service The more experience and riding I’ve gotten, the less I feel the need to write and blog which is a good thing more time spent actually riding. Passed the 600 mile mark and trying to schedule my service appointment this week after I install my new Vance and Hines pipes on Wednesday, so pumped for the new sound and look. I’m feeling so much more comfortable now riding, still have a few things I want to work on but when I think about the first few times I took Jolene out and compare that to how I feel riding now, it’s almost like I’m a whole new person. The things that used to scare me to death are things I can do without thinking twice now. I’m learning that the faster I go, the more comfortable I feel, and that the fears I used to have are pretty irrational. Over the weekend Chris, his mom and I went on a ride through the country before it got too hot outside. It made me happy to see how happy Chris’s mom was after the ride. We talked about how great of a teacher he is and how supportive he is every step of the way. The next day, Chris, his brother and I went on a ride to Statesville Harley and got lunch at Grouchos (Chris chose for me because I always talk about how ive always wanted to eat there, hehe). It was a great ride, minus almost running over a snake haha. One other biker that was at Grouchos joined in with us for part of the ride home, then another biker on the road joined in too. It was cool to hold up the middle, lol. Chris said I did a good job. The sense of community in the biker world is something amazing and it makes me so excited for the future, and how many cool people I will meet along the way.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #271

“some of those who work forces are the same that burn crosses.”

Do you cook on the stove at all, or just microwave? I just use the microwave. I'm scared of the stove lmao. Do you ever debate religion with your friends? Bruuuh no. I am so disinterested in debating about something that to me ultimately doesn't matter yet humanity has made so serious. Whatever happens after we die, happens, there's that. Just be a decent human being and go out knowing you did your best to make the world better than when you entered it. Do you keep your shampoo in the shower or someplace else? In the shower. Something your mother said or did that shocked you: Like... recently? Or in my entire life? I dunno about recently, but I guess the most shocking to me was when she vehemently called my sister something I won't repeat. Did your mom go to college? She was before the cancer. Ready to graduate, too, but that didn't go as planned thanks to, y'know, cancer. Which food do you think you have the most cans of in your cupboard? Good question, no clue. I don't really pay attention to the canned foods. Maybe fruits? Do you save fortunes from fortune cookies? No. Are you offended when Christmas is spelled Xmas? Nah. Where do you put your keys when you come home? In my purse. Describe your favorite mug or glass to drink from? I don't have one. That I use, anyway. Sara gave me a Markiplier quote one that's a Holy Item on my shelf and instead of holding a beverage holds All My Love. Your bad habit that you love the most: UGH I hate how much I love soda. Invent a pop tart flavor: STORY TIME!!!! As a kid, there was this contest to design a type and you won like... a fucking huge supply of the newest flavor, which was at the time that wild berry whatever thing. My sister and I made one that I think I recall being pink with heart sprinkles and strawberry flavored, and we won. Guess who fucking hates the wild berry flavor now lmao. Okay but anyway if I was to invent one now... is there a BLUE raspberry flavor? Cuz a bitch loves blue raspberry flavored everything. Do you name your pets after tv/movie/book characters: Sometimes. I don't currently have a pet that is, though. Are you proud of yourself for what you've accomplished? The few things I actually have, sure? I'm more ashamed of what I haven't. Do you own any sexy lingerie? Nooooo no one would want to see me in that, least of all myself lmao. Have you ever caught a bouquet of flowers at a wedding before? No. Has a horse ever neighed at you before? Uhhh I don't think so? Do you prefer ice cream or sorbet? Ice cream. Have you gotten your pets spayed? My cat is. That's like... the only pet we ever have fixed, sadly. My parents/Mom (depending on time period) could just never afford it. The only real reason we managed to get Roman neutered was because our sister directed us to a cheap on-the-go business where it was like... only $45, and Roman was marking the house badly so it was pretty urgent. Would you ever take in a stray animal? HA, that is the STORY of my family with cats. At this current time, most likely not. We don't need another pet right now, nevermind one of a mysterious background with my mom being sick. When is payday? N/A Have you ever walked on a runway before? No. How long is your workday? N/A Is there a walkway or a pathway to your front door? No. What is your favorite color? What is your least favorite color? Pink is superior to all colors. I'm really not a puke-green fan, but I mean... is anyone? What color dominates your wardrobe? Everything is B L A C K. What color are your eyes? Grayish blue. Are you colorblind, or do you know anyone who is? I'm not, but Jason's brother is colorblind to I think red and blue? Do you prefer color photos or black-and white? It greatly depends on the composition and subject matter of the photograph. I find great beauty in both. If I had to pick though, color usually appeals to me more. Are you one of those people who can taste, feel, or smell colors? No. Have you ever seen a double rainbow before? Yes. Do you enjoy coloring? It tends to be my least-favorite part of the art process because that's where I always fuck shit up. Do you know anyone who is racist? Oh my, PLENTY. Welcome to the South. Are your nails painted any color(s) right now? They never are. Can you lift more than 100lbs? I probably CAN, but it would be very hard. What's your opinion on incest? It's fucking repulsive. Morally and negative from a scientific standpoint, anyway. Do you have a favorite color for cats? Orange. What video games did you play when you were younger? I was a massive gamer as a kid, teenager too, so I could put a hell of a lot here. But, I'll just imagine you're referring to when I was quite young. The Spyro games (save for Skylanders) were my LIFE, I loved Nintendogs, the Crash Bandicoot trilogy, lots of games that were based on movies (like Madagascar and Finding Nemo are two I really enjoyed), uhhh... OH! And absolutely weird, but I loved hunting games. Like, I had a whooole lot, despite hating real life hunting even as a child. I think it was because I got to see wild animals, plus it could be calming to wander and scary, too, when things like wolves found you. Oh, and then there were fishing games, too. LOOK I just love(d) games. Would you ever get a tramp stamp? I hate that nickname. Having a tattoo literally anywhere does not equate you to a stereotype. Yes, because I want to be heavily tattooed anyway. Did you cry when Michael Jackson died? No. Not that I didn't care at all, I just wasn't a giant fan. What's the ugliest species of animal? Lmao how mean. The blobfish immediately comes to mind, though. Looks like a ball of mucus shaped into an old man's face. Are you embarrassed about any songs on your iPod? I used to be, now it's just like whatever. I like what I like. What do you use to listen to music on the computer? YouTube. Do people know a lot about you? Places on the Internet sure do lmao. I try to be much more private now online to a degree, depending on where. Irl, no. I'm too easily embarrassed/afraid of being judged for what makes me, me. Who was the last person you slept beside? Sara. Do you like Metallica? They're one of my all-time favorites and I trust NOBODY who claims to hate them. What's your favorite kind of soup? I'm not a fan of soup. What’s your best friend's favorite band? Her all-time favorite is Pink Floyd. Who was the last person you took a picture with? Ummm idr. Do you play Guitar Hero? Not really anymore, but I fuckin slayed that shit back in the day. Whose house did you last visit? My older sister's. Who was the last person to come to your house? My younger sister. What time do you usually eat dinner? Anywhere between 5:30 to like... 7:00 or so. Have you ever searched your own house on Google Earth? Not this current one, no. Does it bother you when people have a loose grip on hugs? No? Some people don't like hugs. Are you looking forward to next year? I don't know. Is covid gonna be history by then? It depends on a lot of things. What have you done so far this summer? *blink blink blink* What's your favorite punk band? Honestly, I don't even really separate bands by genres now because I don't know. There's so so many, plenty overlap, etc. etc, and people - especially those who enjoy rock/metal stuff, I've found - get all snobbish and "WELL ACTUALLY" when you "misgenre" or whatever. Which is better: cold or hot weather? COLD. FUCK hot weather. Anything above ~75*F is disgusting. Is photography something you enjoy? I'm an aspiring photographer so like- What’s the best flavor snow cone? I haven't had a legit snow cone in years... but we have a place called Pelican's Snowballs, which is really just like... snow cones in a cup? They are A M A Z I N G and strawberry is to die for. When driving, are you a speed demon or do you drive like your grandmother? I don't drive because I'm terrified to. Have you ever met someone who just had you at hello? No. Bet you were expecting "Jason," but no, I was weirded out that a stranger just comes up to me in the hall on the way to class and starts talking to me. Have you ever written poetry? Yeah. Do you have any addictions? Technology, ugh. And soda, rip. When was the last time you just laid and looked at the stars? Laid, many years ago one summer when Jason and I were just lying on the trampoline while my dad was grilling. What song reminds you of an ex? A lot. What color eyeliner do you prefer? Black. What was the last thing that you made with your own two hands? Like, made from scratch? Hell if I know. What’s the deepest water you will wade into? Like, shoulder-deep in the ocean. How many blades does your razor have? Three, I think? Highest grade of education you’ve completed? Just one semester of college. Lowest grade you’ve received on a test? Yikes, Fs in college math. He taught in such an abstract way that I failed like... every test, or nearly did. I was too afraid to ask questions continuously. Do you enjoy sitting in the sun or the shade more? There is NO situation where I would rather be in the sun. Do you enjoy going to arcades? Hell yeah. What parades do you like to go to? None. When’s the last time you went on a tirade? I ranted to Mom about the fucking ridiculous anti-maskers that are a big reason this motherfucking pandemic is worsening in America. With my mom being immunocompromised, it is something I take VERY goddamn seriously. It's not a difference in opinion - it's a difference in morality. Do you like to play charades? I loved to as a kid. Now it'd feel weird. Would you ever lead a crusade? I wouldn't want to lead anything. Have your parents ever forbade you from doing something? Aha, so as a kid, I had a game demo disc that showed the preview to Parasite Eve, and my sisters and I would secretly watch it despite it scaring us to where Mom did forbid us to click on it. And all these years later, I've played it and love it... ha ha. Otherwise, my parents have always been pretty open to letting us do stuff, save for things the usual parent doesn't like, like swearing. When’s the last time someone said something degrading to you? A few days back when I got into an argument on Facebook about some asshole teasing their newly-hatched cobra to where it kept striking at the tongs, hood flared and all. Apparently I had no idea what I was talking about, pointing out the snake was clearly stressed out. What’s the last homemade dish you’ve made? I legit haven't cooked a thing since Sara was here and I made her eggs for breakfast. Which was like, a year ago. Do you like lemonade? What flavor(s)? Broooo YES. Pink lemonade is better, but I enjoy just the classic kind, too. Has anyone ever serenaded you before? Fuck this question. Would you like to visit the Everglades? Lemme see them motherfuckin GATORS. Have you ever attended a masquerade ball before? No. Would be dope, though. Have you lost anyone to AIDS? No, thank god. Have you ever been paid for sex? Hell no. Have you ever had a maid in your home before? HUNNY we are too poor for that shit. Do you know how to do different types of braids in hair? No. When’s the last time you wore a Band-aid? Where and why? I have no clue. When was the last time you were afraid? Of what? A family friend was over here a couple days ago and she had this weirdest muscle cramp in her leg that brought her to the floor gasping for like over a minute. I was super scared, and Mom was too, as we had no idea what to do. I almost had to call 911. Crazy woman hasn't gone to the doctor about it, to my knowledge. Would you ever consider growing your hair out to your waist, or longer? NOOOO NO NO. I am probably having short hair for the rest of my life. Is there anywhere in your house that you're scared to be alone in? No. What is your favorite shoe brand? I don't have one. What weird things did you do as a small child? I was just a weird kid in general. I did a lotta stuff that would make people raise a brow. Who puts the most pressure on you in your life? My goddamn self. Do you laugh off embarrassing moments? Hell no, I turn red as a cherry and probably cry once I'm in private. Do you have a favourite actor/actress? If so, who? No. Do you like little kids, or do they annoy you? I feel uncomfortable around them. They're too brutally honest, I feel like every move I make is wrong, and I just generally feel incapable of handling them properly. Do you want a small or a large family when you get older? Well, I don't want any kids, so... Are you a good dancer? If not, do you enjoy dancing anyways? No and no. I'd be embarrassed. Have you ever lied to avoid getting into trouble? Yeah. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital for a long period of time? I'd say two weeks is pretty long, and I was supposed to stay an entire month. I only got out of that by going to court. Do you take a lot of pictures of yourself, or are you camera shy? I HATE being in front of the camera. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling? I just like ketchup, mustard, and pickles, really. A bit of diced onion is fine, too. I prefer gas; I hate the charcoal-y taste. You are chosen to have lunch with the president. the condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask? Fuck that, I'd decline going to begin with. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies? Popcorn, of course. Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email? Pop-up ads. How long was it from ‘the first date’ until the proposal of marriage? How long until the wedding? N/A What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other? Probably like, wrestling. Golf. Sports in general. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test? I haven't tried it yet. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose? I always just use chocolate syrup. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic? CHRIST, TRAFFIC. Elevators kinda scare me and I'm very scared of being stuck in one. What are you sitting on right now? My bed. Are you listening to anything? Halocene's cover of "Killing In The Name." Have you parents ever hated one of your boyfriends/girlfriends? No. Who was the last person to give you money? I have no idea. Have you ever dreamed of someone you barely know? Actually yeah. Weird as hell. When was the most recent time, if ever, that you felt “impostor syndrome,” or that you felt unqualified to be somewhere? Hm. I suppose when I went to the doctor by myself for my foot. I'd never done an appointment without Mom at all, and I was veeery clueless to a lot of steps, questions, etc. What are some ways that pop culture has helped you learn historic or scientific facts? Some TV shows, I guess. Or games, even. Have you ever had a job in which you felt that you had nothing to do? What was the protocol in that situation (e.g., surfing the web, taking on the job of co-workers, or pretending to work)? If you have not, do you think it would be lucky or unlucky to have such a job? No. I was expected to always be doing something. I'd consider that to be pretty unlucky, as it sounds boring and pointless. Have you ever intimidated or made another person feel legitimately threatened? If not, do you think that you could ever be seen as scary? I don't know. Mom has admitted me yelling has scared her before, though. I can yell pretty fucking loudly. But she herself never felt threatened. And do I think I could be seen as scary? Yes. Especially given my chronic fucking nightmares that almost always involve confrontation. In what ways do you or would you need to be validated by a partner? (For example, liking your posts/talking about you on social media, or perhaps by doting on you with gifts.) I am VERY much a "words of affirmation" person. I NEED reassurance that I'm adequate and sincerely loved. When you are having a hard time emotionally, what are some of the telltale ways that you act out or that your personality reflects your struggles? I become very snappy and more reclusive than usual. I cry really easily. Do you tend to succeed by weaning yourself off of something or by quitting cold turkey? It depends on what it is, but I've generally needed to wean myself off of things when necessary. Is there a specific type of pet breed/size/etc. that you don’t want? Why not? I am very turned off by animal breeds/types that are subject to serious health issues, such as pugs, dachsunds, Persians, spider ball pythons... Just don't fucking breed them. Ironically, some of these are the cutest, but I care far more about the health of the animal. Have you ever lived in a notoriously dangerous area? If not, would it bother you to do so? Yes and yes. Has a friend’s significant other ever interfered with or damaged your friendship? What about a significant other of yours damaging a friendship? I don't believe so, no. What, if anything, is something that you put pressure on yourself about? What do you imagine would happen if you did not live up to this expectation? Getting a job, for Heaven's sake, and actually managing to keep it. I've proven inept in this area so far, so, I've already failed that. :^) If you have been in a serious relationship, have you and your partner ever discussed lifetime plans that clashed? Did you reconcile them or did you break up? If you have not been in a relationship, what are some issues that would be deal-breakers? Jason and I kinda casually talked about kids early in our relationship, at which time I didn't see myself wanting them at all and he did at some point. It didn't really bother either of us, though; it was something we'd figure out if we actually got anywhere. Then he became the only person I could ever imagine myself having kids with. Life's funny.