#i had 2 cuz i fucked the first one so bad that my parents were like:... we r getting u a new ome

[jazzyblusnowflake]

OMG hi…I really like your art and was wondering if you wanna be mutuals??????????? Also tell me about your MD ships :3c

honey we are dating- .....okay yknow what- HI PRETTY & TALENTED LADY- yess i will absolutely love toooo 🙈💕💕💕💕💕

also lets see uhhh okay this is an excuse for me to just... expload-

keep in mind not every ship is meant for all of you so dont badger me about stuff that ISNT CANON or YOU DONT SHIP. contrary to whatever you believe, when somone posts about THEIR ships, nobody wants to hear about you NOT shipping it on THAT EXACT post.

hang in there, this gon be a long one >:p

First off we are starting strong with Nuzi- Biscuitbites obviously thats a given- these two just have too much to be said about why and how they make eachother the best version of eachother, whether they ever became canon or not- they fit like puzzle pieces- they lessen eachothers negative traits by being their for eachother.

next is Vuzi- Violentviolet, they are my favorite kind of enemies to lovers 😔 but its also tragic smh. kinda pissed off at how V always does something good in Uzis favor only when she is LITERALLY PASSED OUT- either in the camp ep on the bus or in Alices lab. like damn ofFUCKINGcourse Uzi wouldnt know she cares about her 😭😭😭

envuzi- Violentbitingbiscuits, i love these goobers with all my heart- they deserve the best 😔💕💕💕💕

envy - [does this poor ship just NOT have an exclusive FINDABLE tag name??? im calling them GoldenMemories...], i like to think that if they were in the manor still, and nothing bad had ever happened, these two would be comforting eachother in the healthiest way possible. V needs someone like N and N is just adorable like that uwu

Next we have JxTessa/Jessa- [calling them Fancyblades cuz why not-] J deserves some closure for the shit shes gone through smhhh 😔, its a tragic yuri of J loving and wanting something she probably already accepted she couldnt have, and even then she gotta deal with Ns ass being the favorite one regardless of how hard she tries to be perfect... sighhh i wanna imagine them in a future where Tessa was spared as the only human and J could save her 😭😭😭😭 Tessa might have loved doing mechanical stuff or wore black to hide grease/oil stains on her clothes from her parents and wore gloves to hide her oily stained hands- i want her to have a scene of wiring drones back to life and saving them and saying something like "hey there, you made it! dont worry, ill take care of you, youre my friend now :3" or something //dies//, also before anyone says it- even if Tessa was a teen in the flashbacks- romance is not exclusive to ADULTS, teens can love eachother without having sexual stuff involved. no she was not their MOTHER figure, she was their FRIEND who liked to fix robots for herself to not be alone in a house where her own parents literally chain her up as punishment. i dont even know why im arguing about this, people headcanon or make aus about characters NOT being dead all the time and if Tessa was alive for as long as J thought she was, Tessa would have been a perfectly fine adult either way. so counting this, yes shes canonically considered an adult when Cyn tries to imitate an adult humans body 🙄 makes as much sense as everything else i guess-

next ones i got is NorixYeva/Neva- Solverlilies- i just think theyre neat 😭😭😭 and once again, like everything else in this franchise- they are tragic yuris 😔 damn liam im finding a pattern over here 🤨 anyway, i like to think they either got closer in the lab experimentations or were already close when they were working as WDs in the campsite area for the humans. obviously canonically they were probably straight or just not into eachother romantically- [Nori either u have the worst taste men or Khan just fucking lost it after you died-] but also on the other handddd.... they have 2 hands and they are robots, i want them to kiss like two barbie dolls and im gonna make them do just that-

DollxLizzy/Dizzy- Bloodypink, wost fucking ship names ever, i cant find shit on them with these tags and it makes me angry >:/ at this point 2/3s of my ships are just tragic yuris smh, Doll did not deserve any of the things handed to her, even if she went about doing some things the wrong way i wish Lizzy didnt just abandon her- but then again, Doll did kinda abuse Lizzys trust and Lizzy got scared of being close to a serial murderer so.... morality calls this a draw? 😭 im crying... i wish someone was there to help Doll... sigh... i like to think Lizzy would have waited for Doll to just come back at some point... oh well, thats why AUs exist :"3 //sobs in the corner//

DollxUzi/Dollzi- Bloodybats, this ship is so underrated to me... they could have been... so much more. but why weren't they? did Yeva abandon ever getting close to Uzi when she was a kid after Nori died? did Uzi and Doll just never play around together as kids when their mothers were so close? were they ever close and something went wrong as they grew older? at worst they could have been like sisters together, and at best maybe more than friends. i just dont know what happened here, like Yeva could have tried to keep an eye on Uzi, maybe Uzi could have found Dolls powers so cool before having them too- i dont know theres literally tons of possibilities- but if Doll deserved to be saved or cared for by anyone, at least one of them should have been Uzi... sigh.

ThadxV- Killingblonde, yall this is... the cutest shit... ever???? like from here on out we kinda go into the more or less crackship territory but these two are adorable- Dumbass yet wholesome jock boy that just wants to keep his queen happy 😔👌👌👌 He and Uzi would have so much to talk about on "crushing on literal murder bots that stabbed and almost ate us" its literally love at first stab smhhh 😫💕

ThadxSam- Smokyjock ???? for some fucking reason??? i dont know what my brain did here man- i just like the trope of someone getting under Thads skin- like pair up the healthy sports loving gym boy with the lazy but wholesome dumbass that does drugs or is always just sleep deprived and Thad is always trying to just... take care of his ass and make him take care of himself but he just WONT SMHHH-

okay some more or less crack ships down here:

ThadxN: it speaks for itself. its too adorable and youll go blind from the light of wholesomeness-

ThadxNxUzi: Uzi will die here from the overwhelming wholesomeness... oh bonus if its just a 4s polycule of ThadxNxUzixV i mean i know im pushing my luck but.... random crackships go brr- V and Uzi will complain but love their dumbass golden puppy partners-

ThadxUzi: i think they could have been close and Thad caring about her as a childhood friend turned crush sounds just too cute for me 😔

LizzyxUzi: another random ass rivals to lovers or some shit idk what this is, Lizzy would pay Uzi to kiss the fuck out of her i dont make the rules-

ThadxLizzy: in some cases where they are NOT headcanoned as siblings or cousins, i think they have a good energy of wholesome jock bf and girly queen cheerleader lol, Thad is just a good bf eitherway-

DollxUzixLizzy: the gals would not leave a single second of silence for the small gremlin i swear to God- [Uzi is gay as FUCK for her gfs, absolute girloser unit with her gorgeous but crazy gfs]

okay for the end i have some characters that arent ships but i wish they could have become closer as friends or work out their issues...

J and N- too much abuse and toxicity here, i wish they could talk together more and see they have a lot of things in common- maybe a full line of dialogue from J without threatning N in every sense of the manner would be nice for a change =_=

Doll and V- again, a bit morally ambiguous to ship a character with the murderer of your family, esp when said murderer hasnt expressed regret lmao, but i wish they could at least be friends... Dolls disdain for the murder drones pushed her to end up the way she did. maybe if she didnt do it alone she would have been alive by now. so i like to think what would have happened if she and V could have made up- not necessarily Doll forgiving her- but at least having the space to grow and understand why they did they things that happened.

Cyn and literally ANYONE- i want the solver to be SEPARATE from Cyn- i wish Cyn would have still existed somewhere down there and was savable- i wish this poor child AI had a happy ending to her by connecting with the others as ACTUAL siblings... goddamnit 😔

aaaand thats it for this fine ass day 🫡 yall are welcome to ask about any of these- boy the tags are gonna be.... a lot.

[soupzardous]

i would love a detalied lore drop on are they smarter than a first grader :3 i genuinely adore all these characters youve written i would gladly take any brain vomit like just screenshots of you and ur friend brainrotting i would eat it alllll up!! just anything honestly

I’m not even gonna lie I did not deliver at all. But what I will give you is that I know for sure that Quackity had like been super anxious for the sleep over. As usual Wilbur was late. Literally not shocking. But basically I hadnot planned much for that chapter I had lots of ideas tho. I did want to have them maybe build a pillow fort in Slimes room cuz I thought that would be silly and also cuz Quackity would’ve lost his marbles. I also think I intended on writing a moment that chapter where Quackity wants to read Fundy and Slime a bed time story since it was routine but Fundy doesn’t know how to react and Slime shoos Quackity away because Fundy can just read to him. Quackity would’ve gone back to the living room grumbling and prob would’ve poured himself a glass of wine cuz he can’t handle not being in charge of things.

Since him and Wilbur were fighting before hand (from what I remember) I wanted it to be sort of tense and awkward. I know in the previous chapter, Slime had green marker on his face and that was how i planned on getting them to start talking. Wilbur would’ve also been drinking wine and all that jazz. However, the plan was for Wilbur to suggest to Quackity that he get Slime some tattoo markers so Slime can draw on himself without it becoming a problem, and that was gonna lead into them being fucking weird or whatever. I really hardcore believed that atstafg!Quackity had a trampstamp (there is concept art and everything). Anyways, back then i did actually write out all the dialogue as kind of a bare bones draft, so I’ll just insert that screen shot here:

Then they probably were freaks and kissed. And this time no one interrupted them for realzies.

The next morning was gonna go one of two ways.

1. Quackity was gonna wake up and realize it was almost 8:30 am (he usually woke up around 5) an get worried that the kids hadn’t eaten. In this scenario he didn’t even remember the whole thing with Wilbur because he is more worried abt the kids. He would’ve winded up walking into the living area and seeing that Wilbur was in his bath robe due to being the one who’d woken Wilbur up, and Wilbur had to find something to put on because he wanted to let Quackity keep sleeping (he knew Quackity was sleep deprived)

2. They would’ve woken up at the same time and kind of opted to ignore what had happened. Wilbur wouldn’t have been able to find his glasses and he probably would’ve said something along the lines of “Well it isn’t my fault you probably recklessly put them somewhere. If they’re broken you’re paying for it.” And they would’ve bickered before Wilbur rolled his eyes and said he didn’t need them that bad and they would’ve headed into the kitchen.

Either way, they would’ve wound up finding Slime and Fundy at the kitchen table with some books that him and Fundy were reading together. Once again, I had this vaguely written in old dms i sent so I’ll just insert those here

I did initially want Quackity to do that thing he does where he was more focused on being a parent than how he was feeling, so he was gonna be too busy with trying to schedule Slime an optometrist appointment to worry about whatever happened with Wilbur. However, Wilbur is not trying to leave in a rush cause he would rather be uncomfortable around Quackity while Fundy had fun than back at his apartment with Phil there. Eventually, when Quackity gets off the phone Wilbur finally asks why Quackity isn’t bringing up what happened, and Quackity woudlve been all like “because I have a life to live I can’t just pause everytime there is a minor accident. You just have to keep doing what you have to do, so sorry if I don’t wanna get into all that” and Wilbur would’ve been offended but not willing to walk away. He does wind up giving up the fight and saying he was gonna stay a little bit longer but just because Fundy was having a fun time. he probably says something about how he’s only staying because he’s not as bad of a parent as Quackity thinks. because truly, they never get past that.

By the way Quackity does blame himself heavily for not even thinking that Slime might have really bad eye sight and just trying to force slime to read when he couldn’t see very well to be begin with. I know a lot of people did theorize that he had dyslexia or was truly just never taught to read, but it was more so due to a lack of proper caregivers in his infant and toddler years and shockingly bad eyesight for being a six year old.

Quackity tries to get Wilbur to go home by telling Slime his friend was gonna have to go home so that he could take Slime to the eye doctor, but Slime tells Quackity “you can’t take me to an eye doctor. Your eyes are healthy. Can Fundy’s dad go instead his eyes aren’t healthy so he would be better” (thats really ooc forgive me please). Anyways, Quackity is a sucker for anything Slime wants especially since his feels really guilty in the moment. So he does say yes.

I have a much more detailed version of the whole glasses debacle, if you want that, but tbh I do not expect this post to be something anyone is actively waiting for anymore. Once again my bad for waiting so long. There were a lot of little things I hc abt Wilbur and his childhood that related to glasses that would’ve served as a bonding type of moment nd i believe i have all of that written down somewhere in my discord dms.

Anyways. I am kind of struggling to remember it all, but I did plan on Quackity and Wilbur trying to keep things professional for a chapter after that, as they were nearing the class Christmas party i believe. Maybe I don’t remember my own fics current time line but it’s fine it’s so chill. But basically when they do set up and help run the class Christmas party since they are co room moms. One of the activities is making a little handmade ornament. It’s meant to be like a gift the kids make to bring home to their parents. However, during the party Slime winds up giving his to Wilbur instead of Quackity. Quackity is not happy about this to say the least, especially since him and wilbur aren’t on the best of terms. Quackity expected Wilbur to shove it in Quackitys face and brag about winning, but instead he just awkwardly tried to give it to Quackity because he felt really bad about the fact that it happened. Quackity refuses to accept it and just kind of keeps to himself the whole time.

When the class party ends, Nikki thanks the two for how much they did and for collaborating. She mentions that Slime had been talking about how Wilbur and Quackity had a sleepover with him and Fundy all week in their morning circle, and to top it off, there had even been a day or two where Fundy talked during the morning circle too. As Quackity and Wilbur leave the school, Wilbur attempts to check in on Quackity. usually Quackity was more vocal of what was bothering him.

When he asks what’s wrong Quackity just kinda quietly says something about how it isn’t fair that Slime likes Wilbur more than him.

Wilbur goes “thats not true. he hardly knows me”

And Quackity just says that he wouldn’t get it. And it is heavily related to the fact that Quackity has tried super hard to avoid letting anyone into his life because he didn’t wanna bring someone into Slimes life that would stick around for a while but inevitably leave. After a bit of back and forth Wilbur probably mentions something like “I dont get it. You act like I’m going anywhere. You act like you aren’t incredibly aware that I can’t leave if I want to. If either of us are the type to run away, it’s you, Quackity. You always say it’s what’s best for Slime, but I don’t know if theres a single selfless reason why you act the way you do. I know I’m selfish, but I never asked to be in this situation. And I’m not saying you did. But for someone who always looks so miserable, you sure have no problem pushing me away. I may not have been the best friend you could have, but it’s not like you have any others. Our kids are friends, and I wont let this be the reason they can’t hang out anymore. But you have a lot of nerve pretending we don’t know too much about each other. I thought we would’ve worked out just fine together. I liked you, Quackity. And maybe I’m just an idiot, but feel like you might have liked me too”

Quackity tells him he doesn’t get it, and Wilbur decides to count his losses and drive home.

The next chapter I planned on having Wilbur being up late at night. School has gone on break and it is Christmas Eve now. For the first time in years Wilbur had actually put out a small decorative tree. He wasn’t sure why, neither him nor fundy were very enthusiastic about holidays. Fundy was in bed and Phil was sleeping too. He winds up getting out some craft supplies that he had left over from a while back, and makes his own version of a shitty ornament. In all honesty it isn’t that much better than the one Slime had made. He puts it in a bag along with a cheap botttle of wine he bought the day before. A part of him wanted to write “to replace the last of the things I took from you” on the card, but he settled on writing “merry Christmas, hope you like it” despite how much he wanted to say. The next morning after Fundy opens his gifts, he asks if Fundy wants to go have a play date with Slime, and Fundy says yes because he wants to tell Slime about the cool books he got.

The goal was for Wilbur to give Quackity the gift and for Quackity to attempt to act indifferent/frustrated but eventually crumble cuz he was really upset with himself. I did at the time plan on just figuring out this part when i got there, however it was gonna be kinda mushy with like them finally talking about it. I prob would’ve done some fuckass mistletoe cliche or something. I also thought it would’ve been funny to have Slime and Fundy see it and try and turn their Christmas Chinese takeout dinner into a surprise date to set their parents up. I don’t really know.

It is a little funny cuz i actually really dont like Christmas but it was going to become a Christmas fic due to pacing.

The epilogue would’ve been a fast forward to Wilbur and Quackity roughly 8 months later being fluffy and silly while coparenting and getting both Slime and Fundy ready for school. I wasn’t sure whether they’d be living together or not at that point, but either way it wasn’t like they wouldn’t have sleep overs pretty often. I thought it would be kinda silly if like Wilbur was helping get the kids ready so Quackity could get an extra hour of sleep since Wilbur usually was working until after Quackity had already picked up the kids from school. There would be some days where Quackity packed the kids lunches and some where they got to buy it at school. Some days Quackity would worry about what the kids were gonna wear and others Wilbur just let them pick whatever they wanted. Essentially just illustrating the balance that would be achieved after they got together with both families benefiting from the best of both worlds. Wilbur would’ve learned to be a more involved and responsible parent and Quackity would’ve learned to not micro manage every little thing that happened. And from that point on they both became co room moms until Fundy and Slime got sick of their parents wanting to be involved with every school function

I have more things i saved in case y’all want anymore!! So just let me know and i will actually get back to you in a timely manner I promise this time !!! Hope this all made sense it has been so long since I talked abt atstafg

[joosthead]

Ok, some family related stuff first (tw for pregnancy mention. Nothing weird I swear. If you aren't cool with that, completely fine)

I'm sure 2024 was quite the year for them with everything. I love the thought of Reader going on tour with him in 2025.

So funny that you mentioned the LA show because I'm going to one of the NY shows 😆.

Born in the same year!?! I knew Laurens and Juna were born close together but didn't realize That Close.😨 So Reader literally spends like a year and a half pregnant.😮‍💨 I hope Ruby scolded Joosti for her bestie lol. He better have treated her like a queen during that time.

(I totally don't get emotional at the thought of him holding the babies for the first time. Their little fingers grabbing his tattooed hand. Feeling all the emotions. Never thinking that a spilled drink on a pretty lady at the club would lead to this... Not at all 🥲) (Also him with that beard not only gives me husband vibes but also new dad vibes. No wonder Reader got knocked up again so soon 🤭 /j)

Also now with this timeline, the thought of them just finding out about the pregnancy and THEN finding out they were already like 4-5 months of the way there????? Those crazies. They probably thought, "haha wedding night baby lol" then the doctor being like, "you are further along than that" Both of them: 😧😧

Also also I knew Laurens was probably at the second wedding (wearing an adorable little suit I'm sure), but now Juna probably was too?!?!? Or were they like we need to speed this up and had the second wedding early first trimester with Juna? Reader was pregnant at both weddings 😂. They are nothing if not consistent.

(I had this thought of Gover officiating their second wedding. I could see him getting ordained if they asked him)

Like and share for part 2 lol - family anon

LIKED AND SHAREEDDD 😆😆 FAMILY ANONNNNNN PART 2 PLEASEEEE NOWWW

cw: pregnancy! and of course this is family era normal au :)

rpf ahead, anti-rpf dni

no worry friend … i have no issues with discussing normal au pregnancy hehe so if you have any more thoughts about that specifically too just send em!

yeahhh it took a lot of self convincing but reader surprised him! :33

ny show let’s gooo!! not enough of my mooties are going to LA but i’m so glad you all are gonna be in the vicinity of each other LOLOL i will be with you in spirit my beloveds…

HALF A FUCKING YEARRRRRR … reader loves that man (me too) … he waits on them hand and foot the entire time !!! if you think this drought is bad … imagine a newborn… and then imagine another pregnancy… and then imagine raising the other newborn alongside the 1 year old. crazzyyyy work and honestly reader is quite demanding which makes complete sense. ruby and marina both scold the guy for 0 pullout game hehe

it also makes complete sense reader is very demanding cuz all 3 babies are 8+ pounds and long (dads fault!!) so trust … it’s a lot

WAHHHHHH … both of them are quite daunted even tho they’ve had good practice with friends babies … it seems like everyone had babies tnis year and normal au them decided to catch up ! 😆😆

still he’s so scared he’s going to accidentally drop laurens on his head … “i was dropped on my head as a baby, maybe if it happens he will take after me,” he smiles and reader is like. i hope he takes after you either way but please don’t drop him 🥰 so many pictures … skin to skin and babeys little head is next to the “thanks for today” tat 🥹🥹 ohhhh i’ve lost it and you are enabling me!

for both of them it’s definitely a really big adjustment … i mean being parents duhhh but like both of them are so scared they’re gonna mess everything up and both of them are sooooo sensitive they’re crying like every 2 seconds that they have such a beautiful child but also OH NO THEY HAVE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL CHILD WE CANT FUCK THIS UP

the BEARDDDDD… trust once the 6 weeks are up readers riding like no tomorrow … especially cuz tired dad joosti with his beard and long hair and reader’s had 0 time to cut his bangs for him so he looks a lil emo and the eye bags … woof 😵‍💫😵‍💫 #needthatsobad

YESHHHH ,,, huge huge adjustment .. i know it most definitely does not take that long for most pregnancies but i think they were both distracted by travel and also getting months of uninterrupted time together … who gaf about a baby 😹😹 jk. but yeah the moment the doctor is like “it looks like you’re measuring around 16 weeks” joosti just about faints … married man and soon to be father in just a few days. wouldn’t have it any other way tho. thank god for that fucking purse

(his push present is a clean version of the same bag he found on ebay for … an undisclosed amount of money because he knows reader would kill him if they found out he spent so much on a purse they already have… it makes them cry so hard bc they feel grateful to the point they pass out)

i actually feel the 2nd wedding takes longer because of the two babies haha but also because they are both bridezillas and need everything to be perfect for the wedding … probably like ? laurens 3 and juna 2 :)) laurens toddling down as the ring bearer and juna being carried down by one of the friends as the lil flower girl :) wahhhh

(LOLOL I NEVER THOUGHT OF THIS BUT he definitely officiates!! such a cute idea WAHHHH)

family anon i am waiting with bated breath for your wonderful part 2. please keep it coming i love your mind friend mwah mwah mwah

[moonlight-tmd]

how would the cons, bots, and elite bots react to the fact bee's parents are basically their gods

how would sari react too????

I love this au so much <3333 (it's funny af and has great potential for chaos)

Well, the others wouldn't really know they are gods since Primus and Unicron are not allowed to reveal themselves- hence the disguises and alias'. Bee knows they're gods but he's not allowed to speak about it either, he only refers to them as Sire and Papa anyway.

While Prisma and Unis know they are the gods, they speak about their god-names as if they were separate beings(mostly when they're arguing) to keep their covers- religion is a minority on Cybertron since the war began so it's rare to see someone speak about the gods so much. They are seen as religious to say the least.

When Unis shows up in earth he's wrecking shit up for fun and the autobots come to stop him- he does his gig with "you have no chance against me! I will destroy you!" before he notices the tiny yellow bot standing in the group and changes his attitude to happy-go-lucky, The others are very confused and alarmed when Bee runs towards te colossus, even more so but add shocked when he picks Bee up and starts baby-talking to him and Bee yells; "Meet my Creator!"

They are sceptical and wary of Unis cuz this mech just threatened to kill them and now he's acting all friendly and good. He straight up says he was gonna destroy the planet for fun but he can't do that since his beloved sparkling (and his friends) live here.

And so Unis is a "guest" in the plant for few weeks. He's like gremlin-mode Bumblebee but worse- he dubbed Sari an abomination when Bee introduced her to him, Unis was quick to clarify he likes her very much and insults are his way of showing affection(in a way). She was hurt at first but quickly got used ot this weird affection Bee's dad gave her. She likes to go messing around with them in the middle of nowhere sometimes.

He doesn'd do shit when there's something bad happening and the team has to go take care of it. In fact, half of the calls happen cuz he's causing trouble. He's also encouraging Bee causing mischieft and doing pranks and saying he's "going in his Creator's pedesteps".

Unis had bragged about being the strongest warrior in the entire reality known, he's detroyed planets single-handedly and wrecked thousands of soldiers that happened to get in his way. Team Prime has a reason to be wary of him, not just because he's a giant.

The Decepticons straight up skidaddle on the sight of him- he's triple the size of Blitzwing AND wielding a giant double-sided axe. One time Megatron got his servos on Bee and threatened the other Autobots that he'll hurt him, Unis seemed to just materialize out of thin air behind him and politely got his attention before he suplexed him with one servo. The 'cons are straight up avoiding the yellow mini now in both fear of what other fucked up abilities he has and because they don't wanna be pavement on the courtesy of his apparently Creator.

Sentinel is giving Bee all the respect and praise he "held back on" the moment Unis approaches him from behind while Sentinel is trash-talking Bee and excuses them both so they can go on the promised treasure hunt.

While Unis does seem like the strongest in the universe, he's not on either side of the war. He calls it stupid and says that he "spreads the chaos equally".

Then Prisma shows up. He drops from the sky and seizes Unis by his horn. He says few things to his "little sunray" and promises to visit soon before leaving thru a "space bridge" with his husband.

Bee then tells them that was his Sire.

If Ratchet was questioning how this colossus Unis managed to take care of such tiny Sparkling like Bee then now he's questioning how the frag Bee is so small if he got 2 literal giants for Creators- and he doesn't look like he was adopted by them.

And yeah, Prisma does show up unexpectedly like a week later- they find him sitting in the main room with Bee, he was recovering from an injury so they left him in base for the call and when they come back- oop, there's a fucking huge airplane just sitting in the plant. How did he fit in the room? None of them know!

Surprisingly, Prisma is very likeable and they actually get to be kinda friends with him instead of being afraid- well, they're still scared cuz he does clarify he'll send Unis to wreck chaos if something happened to Bee but he's not as aggressive as Unis. He's not even violent- physically at least. He's also on neither side of the war- he says it's a pointless tragedy and he's giving help to anyone in need.

Prisma is similar to Prowl actually, he's calm, respectful and the responsible parent- he doesn't let Bee cause any trouble (most of the time). He actually made Bee apologize when he called Prowl's documentaries boring; "Just because his interests don't align with yours, it doesn't mean they are any less than what you enjoy." He has said.

Now, the 'cons and Elite Guard are still scared shitless from Unis' visit so they also avoid him. Bee and Sari have the fun flying together in his cockpit and seeing stars and galaxies from the "projector"- it's like they were actually in space!

Prisma leaves and things have quieted down. But all of the eath transformers were traumatized enough to treat Bee with respect. His team still bosses him around a bit cuz he is a teammate but they certainly are worried of what might happen if they so much as insulted him. But the tension shrinks the further Bee's parents' visits were in the calendar.

Now i have few funny ideas with BlitzBee and "meeting the in-laws" that i vaguely mentioned in this post. But i also think ProwlBee would fit. Feel free to send questions about whichever you want.

[descendantofthesparrow]

Brutally honest thoughts on each character?

...*Each* character???? bruh thats so many, okay ill keep this short cuz im waiting for a haircut rn

well start with the vks cuz thats easy

Mal-started off strong and then just became...THE WORST, love hate relationship for her. shes my art block fix but also i hate her

Jay-i dont have strong opinions on him, he actually never stuck out to me other than 'obligatory jock dude of the friend group.' i wish i liked him more but im more attached to his fandom self over canon Jay

Evie-got boring after D1, i wish they let her keep her chemistry stuff, love her vibe but shes kinda boring to me. SHOULD'VE BEEN THE MC OVER MAL!!

Carlos- lots of lost potential with his tech stuff from the first book and movie. easily could've been an engineer or inventor but they just made him an animal lover and i got bored of that real quick.

Uma-my queen, my idol, can do no wrong i love her so much i WILL kill for her.

Harry-i love his dumbass so much YALL DONY EVEN KNOW I WANNA BITE HIM SO BAD

Gil-one of the few characters i felt actually...grew up? idk but hes one of the few characters were it actually feels like time passed for.

Dizzy-oooooooh honey, honey honey, sunshine baby, please, put the glue gun down.

Celia- they should've gone with her trailer persona. Her outfits are so bad and i wish she got better writing and designs, so much lost potential, also she should've been Jays pick.

Smee twins- why the fuck are they even here they had one line and no significance. also they should've had a Harry scene.

Aks

Ben-puppy boy, deserved to have doberman energy. got turned into a doormat by the writers and is unfairly hated.

Audrey-bitch queen, shes not a nice person and thats okay~ girlboss.

Chad- should've been the D3 villan they had that all set up in D2 with his weird ass attitude over Ben getting kidnapped on the isle.

Doug -....honestly gives me the ick, especially in D3, i HATE the long hair his actor had/has. gold is NOT his color and neither is pastel purple or green. he looked good in D1 but ICK for 2 and 3.

Jane- bby gurl, blue bird sweetheart. yeah she did some fucked up shit in D1 but she was an insecure 14 year old girl who got manipulated by Mal and other aks!!!

Lonnie- deserved so much better, shes Chinese why is she getting Japanese style stuff?!?! her plot in D2 didnt even do anything it just happened and no one cared and Jay just shoved his problems of girls playing roar onto her.

Beast- *inhale* i wanna kick his ass, and i could, lemme at him. how dare he force an entire kingdom on Ben at 16 when he didnt become king when he was 28(when he married Belle)

Belle- they took away her backbone, shes not Disney princess book worm and independent Belle. she just, lost the spark

FG- they turned her into a preschool teacher, GIVE ME MY OL COOKY FAIRY LADY BACK

Leah- *seething rage*

vk parents

Maleficent- fuckin love her, shes such a manipulative bitch and feels like a gone crazy version of a Maleficent made for kids. def not the mistress of all Evil but i love her nonetheless

EQ- shouldve been the head villain, SHE WAS THE FIRST DISNEY VILLAIN CMON! def not the same character from the animated movie but shes dramatic and sassy and i adore her.

Jafar- haha funny characature~ i wish he was more menacing like he had been. Jafar is not one of my fav villains so descendants jafar didnt exactly translate for me well.

Cruella- yeah they nailed her, no complaints about her. good design, good dialogue, good acting.

Hades- LEMME KICK HIS DEAD BEAT ASS, fucking 'daddy issues made you stronger' my butt. i hate his hair and honestly he doesnt fit the washed up punk design, he didnt deserve the speech at the end and didnt deserve to be forgiven by Mal.

Ursula- we only saw her tentacle and one line but she seemed spot on so yeah

Lady Tremaine- why the fuck was she nice in D3??? bitch is the EVIL stepmother.

Smee- spot on, i have words for his sons designs becuaee hes old not naturally white haired but hes chill, makes sense hed be a good parent, he never felt evil to me, just compliant

Facilier- such a vibe, his actor got him spot on, would've changed up his suit design but hes chill and i can see him being a family man(ignoring wicked world).

[hellishvxbes]

𝐇𝐄𝐋𝐋𝐔𝐕𝐀 𝐁𝐎𝐒𝐒 𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐓𝐒

Under a read more cuz its gonna get long. anyways, spoilers blah blah blah dont read if you wanna be spoiled

ALRIGHT.

First thing I'mma talk about is Millie and how I am afraid for Moxxie and Millie's marriage.

The fact that she is not excited about this pregnancy can be for a multitude of reasons. For every sad fuck who wants to project homophobia on her cuz she wanted to off two gay guys, so fuck yourself. Not only is she moody, everyone is seeing a family. A FAMILY. KIDS. Moxxie making his stance very clear that this was something he would step aside from if they went through with it. Moxxie already seems like he would LOVE to have kids.

She talked to her sister about it, and while she said she feels a little better, she still seems to have your doubts. Kids is so important to bring up to your parent BEFORE you get married. not everyone wants them. the reason me and this dude i knew from the beginning weren't gonna get along was cuz he wanted kids and I did not. for my own reasons. none of which are anyone's business. if the case that millie and moxxie did not have this conversation, it could rock their relationship pretty hard if Millie doesn't want to keep it. and there's a billion ways she could go about it. and not telling Moxxie right away, kind of scares me. but whatever her choice is, its her choice. it could be just, shes worried about how they will afford to raise a child, bringing a child into this world, maybe she isnt sure she'd be a good mother. maybe shes not ready to surrender what she has right now to take care of a child. there's so much that goes into it. but one way or another, i feel like moxxie might push a little too hard and it comes out in all the wrong ways. I just. they are so wholesome to me, they aren't perfect but they work on things so well SO LIKE IM SUPER WORRIED FOR MY BABIES.

SECONDLY. OCTAVIA

Now we've only really seen snippets and shes been the total cliches of a teenage daughter. Im really happy to see more and god I felt her pain so much. my situation is different, i want my parents to get fucking divorced, my father is an asshole and I tell my mom everyday how I would back her if she really wanted to leave my dad. it never happens tho. because they are looked up to members of the church, because divorce is against their religion. its just so infuriating seeing how much they dont like each other and they staying together. i hate hearing them fight. or when they bring me into their fights. each one talking about the other to me while i keep saying their marriage isn't mine to fix.

a lot of things octavia sang about were things I feel about my mom. I have a lot of anger and resentment for her, how she always chooses everyone else over me. and how everything just turns out a disappoint or a lie. so I see where her anger lies when she said Stolas choose 'him' over her. Her 'yeah I'll be okay but I'll never be the same' and honestly, stolas is a lot to blame for this. its hard being in a loveless relationship. especially when a child is involved, but all this, had he done it sooner when she was a child, it would still have some effects but i think it wouldn't have been as bad. Idk honestly if Octavia can see what a piling of shit her mother is BUT I DIGRESS. shes taking a decision, shes choosing to cut him out. maybe it will change but for now, that is where her mind and heart are at. shes protecting herself from more heart and disappointment despite how we all know she still loves and misses her dad. that will never change.

i love this bit of symbolism at looking at parts of his garden are already dying. plants need neutering, they need proper attention for them to grow, the same way every child needs their parent. it really shows how stolas's absence will change her.

2 points here. who the fuck is she talking to on the phone

and WHY ARE THEY ONLY RESORTED TO EVIL LAUGHTER. like okay i get you won. but is that honestly it from these two?? i want more from them, I know andre is more the brains here, but like, there needs to be more.

NEXT IS STOLAS

baby was having such a hard time, and he will still struggle. people being like 'he JUST now realizing he's poor' no he's been noticed, hes been in shock. like hes' literally just been holding it in, trying not to make a fuss about it cuz theres not much either him or stolas can do. the moment blitz is like 'you're gonna need to start making money come in now too right' he loses it cuz hes never had to work for anything in his life. it was inherited to him. the thought of actually being in the working class, working on a holiday , yeah like allll us bitches already know the struggle. hes brand baby new. so he has a breakdown. he says he was stupid, cuz at this point?? he doesn't think blitz would do the same for him. giving his life up for someone who doesnt see him the same way he does.

stolas punching him was a much needed thing to do, cuz everything else aside this motherfucker was fucking cheering for him to lose everything. fabricated everything. its really this guys fault for taking it this far. he absolutely deserved that. I also love the way andre was like fuck the goetia i'm gonna fucking kill you. also stolas's 'do it, pussy' WAS SO GOOD. HOW DEEP HIS VOICE GOT.

the way i snorted at this

the ending was sweet, the dance between stolas and blitz was cuteee but its gonna take time before these two can officially be happy. stolas is probably not gonna be with him fully until he has octavia. gets a chance to really explain himself to her. cuz right now, it would look like shes right if he allowed them to be together. and i know its what stolas wants deep down, but for him, his child comes first. and its cause some riffs, cuz blitz seems to finally come to terms with his feelings for him but stolas is now unsure. theres a lot more to consider now. and as a parent? its so hard to want to have things for yourself, when it will affect your child. and we know stolas feels the same, he wasn't upset anymore when he saw blitz risking his life to save his. his attitude toward that bit did change, now its other things that will keep them from being happy rn.

blitz bring up his sister hit a very hard place for me. one I can't even fully talk about for reasons I can't explain either. i just know how hard it is to, lose a sibling you were close to, and suddenly youre strangers. you learn to move on and adapt, but theres still that feeling. and soooo much shit that goes into it but yeah. emotions are abound yall

[goremet-chef]

also excuse me i wanna talk about my little mirror family so bad its not even funny. im like. because of my own inhibitions concerning family, i rarely ever plan out and embrace my characters families but these fucking guys.....

okay so as i said, we have fjord as well as kestrel 👇

the both of them were left alone for quite some time like it was JUST the two of them which is unusual since mirrors prefer to be in large packs but the clans they were born in didnt have any other mirrors. they met eachother out scavenging and it was like LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT okay like im so cheesy cuz they are cheesy in a brutal mirror way LOL so they decide to run away together after visiting a few times cuz they naturally are just drawn to other mirrors.

kestrel was unsatisfied with the glimmery landscape of the starfall isles and honestly she is just. shes a girlboss never forget that she loves to hunt loves to run, loves the thrill of surviving and making a place for herself in the environment but arcane flight is full of little fuckin NERDS so she proposed the idea to go back to where they belong. and fjord obviously loved the idea if you couldnt tell. he wasnt bored but he would follow her literally anywhere 💀

they founded their own clan there and it was quite lonely for a while. until they found tarren

despite how he may look, tarren is upbeat and jolly, and he believes that you shouldnt just survive and come out on top, you should thrive. you should be happy. fjord and kestrel honestly found him a bit annoying at first since he was so uncharacteristically chatty for a mirror, but eventually they let him stay since he knows the land better than them and is genuinely helpful

so time jump their clan is definitely not thriving but they are still alive and thats what matters. things start looking up once the other carrions come together to lead the scavengers, their clan is nursed to health and is actually functional. YIPPIE!!

except i have 2 other mirrors!!!!!!

throughout their history kestrel and fjord have tried to expand their clan and start a family but it never worked unfortunately. both were too emaciated and not adjusted to the sickly landscape they now called home. they had always been really sad about it but fjord was out scavenging one day and he was looting through some corpses to take whatever they had that they clearly didnt need anymore and he found a plague egg. clear as day, alone in the cold clutch of what he assumed to be its parent. the sight was gut-wrenching to him, and considering how badly he and kestrel had wanted children, his decision was made quickly: he would take the egg and pray that whatever was inside of it had survived whatever killed its parents.

surprise! it absolutely was and they got this girl :]

crypt!!! their adopted daughter WAHHHH !!!!

and then it gets better, they actually managed to have an egg a few years after crypt hatched

adder!!

THEY they are such a tight knit family like they were INCREDIBLY protective over both adder and crypt while they were younger, to the point where theyd bare their teeth at their own clanmates if they got too close LOL

it paid off tho cuz they both survived and have grown up and theyre. THEM AND THEIR LITTE KILL SQUAD theyre great hunters naturally as mirrors but MAN they are a force to be reckoned with. a lot of mirror packs split randomly and merge whenever so im assuming MOST those mirrors dont actually know each other. hunting with yr little family tho? they look out for each other and keep each other safe which makes them more efficient

crypt is pretty quiet and more observant which she probably gets from tarren (who both her and adder consider to be their uncle). she mixes well with the other scavengers and is agreeable, if not a little odd. she usually spends time with adder, and is the levelheaded one in their duo.

adder on the other hand is just like her mother, aggressive and snappy. she'd get into more trouble if she didnt have her family looking out for her.

they are just. THEY ARE SO SILLY I LOVE THEM SM

fjord and kestrel quickly embraced the plague flight once they abandoned the starfall isle, especially since their breed originated from underneath the wing of the plaguebringer, so it just felt natural to them. fjord found a way to apply his magic abilities, adapting them to take after the plague element. its good contrast when kestrel is a very physical fighter, they compliment each other well.

okay thats all i feel like talking about for now but i just needed to get it out cuz i love them im having a lot of fun planning this shit out

[abysscronica]

Sup abyss I just want to say that I fucking love captive more than my family like it's so good but my favorite is emperors it's just so cute idk and I also kinda have a question about doruya she's the best thing in the book obvi and my favorite my girl be slaying despite not talking much but everytime I read about her I get cuteness agression despite her being like kid and all is that weird😭? Lol anyways the question is how would kid react to doruya being like a trending pirate along with her crew (leaves chaos everywhere she goes) and learning that she's dating someone in her crew or just hooking up or something I mean they do have snail dials and I imagine doruya calling birdie sometimes to tell her the juicy details (and misses her mom🥺) how would papa kid react to this? I feel like it'll be very funny Cuz he's protective of his daughter omg😫

PLEASE DON'T LOVE CAPTIVE MORE THAN YOUR FAMILY!! 😭😭😭 But thank you so so much! ❤️

(in case someone else is reading this and doesn't know who Doruya is, she's the daughter of Kid and birdie from my book "Emperors" a what if future scenario of "Captive")

Okay, flash forward to a future scenario where Doruya is an adult, young captain of her own crew, roaming the Grand Line. First of all, she's a raging bisexual that's not easily tied down, so I can see her having multiple lovers in and out of the crew. Especially while she's so young and wild, it's possible that with age and experience she'll change and, at some point, she will fall in love. But not any time soon, sorry, this woman is untamed.

Here's the thing. She wouldn't call her parents, like, ever. On the opposite, she'll cut her ties for a long time. Not because of bad blood in the family or anything, but because of her own ambition and dreams: she wants to carve her name on the world independently from the Kid Pirates. See, in this scenario, Kid is an Emperor of the Sea, one of the most powerful pirates around, and Doruya has no intention whatsoever of living in the shadow of her father. This means no accepting help from her parents or any of the Kid Pirates/allies, no lingering in their territories, and raging anytime someone brings up that she is "the daughter of the Red Emperor". Doruya had a happy childhood and she does love her family, but she's too focused on her own adventure to miss them - unless of course something happens to them, then she'll rush to their aid.

Still, if Kid were to catch wind that she was seeing someone, he'd definitely rage and immediately start an expedition to go exterminate that poor person. It will take all of birdie's skills to convince him to desist and let his daughter live her life. That more or less applies to any time Doruya's name pops up in the papers, Kid will always be quick in jumping the guns, whereas birdie will play it cool and calm him down. Oh, she'll be worried sick inside, but she accepts it's Doruya's time now, and she has to live her own adventure, just like Kid & birdie did when they were younger. However, they do have three levels of action in case they have the feeling Doruya is in real (real) trouble: 1) sending one of the allies, like Bartolomeo for example; 2) sending Law (Eustass Law); 3) going themselves. The third one is reserved for when shit gets real, like Whitebeard-at-Marineford-to-save-Ace kind of real.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary48

10/25-30/2023

wednesday - monday

i know i actually missed a bunch of days but i will try to put many thoughts about them here.

i figured since keeping my diary went so bad last time, i just wouldn't try w/ it this time because my gf would be really busy and we had someone else in the hotel with us this, time, her mom. her mom was kind of difficult for me to deal with, in the hotel at least. most of the time she was pretty pleasant or like, at least nice. the first day was good until we all went to bed and like, she started snoring. i figure i'll have the video uploaded to dropbox tomorrow off my phone and i'll be able to post that here, along w/ more selfies or whatever. anyways, the snoring was intolerable and i slept for maybe 2 hours that day. the next, i got maybe 3 hours, the day after i slept in like, these twenty minute spurts i think, three days, saturday was similar too, just miserable, weirdly coming in and out of dreams, awoken by nightmares and just incapable of dealing, feeling exhausted perpetually and tired, and so exhausted i couldn't even be grouchy or whatever, i was just like, i dunno, sapped. i guess i'm normally not grouchy when i'm tired, i just get really sensitive when someone starts being mean to me, which made all the people in arizona so much worse probably because i could tell they were staring and like, i know looks of ire/hate/whatever, and i dunno, maybe the people who look like they want to hatefuck me. they're rarer, i think most people there, honestly most, were pretty disturbed by me. not a surprise cuz that state hates anyone who has something strange happening with their gender. i guess i made it harder on myself, i could have just let myself look like how i was born but i don't like doing that and knowing i might have to makes me really unhappy. i just want to be myself but i guess everyone suffers consequences for being alive, getting stared at is maybe on the less bad end, well it definitely is, but it really fucks with you honestly, i think. like, what can you do, i stare back, usually they stop, arizona is the first place people really didn't look away. i remember a guy in the hotel lobby during free breakfast, he kept staring, i was standing still, looking at him while i threw my food away, he didn't quit it until at least 40 seconds of staring took place. it's like they think they let you win if they act polite. another instance, walking to get lunch with my gf, these 3 or 4 men at this table outside did not stop looking, i locked eyes with one directly facing me and nearest, and he just began muttering under his breath, and finally looked away out of some kind of total frustration. women were doing this too, from across the street, all that. families, children (which is more whatever, it only sucks when it feels like/seems like the parents think it's good that their kids stare so it dissuades anyone from being a freak (and also, exposing their kid to someone they think is bad so that way they know what bad people look like or whatever)). i spent a lot of the trip around college aged people, which would make you think this wasn't what happened most of the time, but really, these college people did it constantly, they also talked about doing drugs/drinking and teaching kids at church. a really weird/evil campus. two superchristians asked me some questions, and they weren't bad at all. that's still shocking to me. they obviously wanted me to convert and that probably comes with a stop being weird desire but they at least talked to me like they would anyone else.

me w/ a candy fag in my axes femme dress. i don't think i looked that ugly! i don't know. maybe i was super ugly outside of the very flattering/nice bathroom mirror. i really need a mirror like that in the apartment. i took a bunch of selfies in it so i can just have pix of my face in good lighting so i don't think too badly of myself.

not being able to work out fully sucked too, by the by.

also, first day, i realized how good my psp is as a mp3 player, and it also has a visualizer, which gave me the idea to use that for the album somehow, that'll be really exciting when i get that goinggg.

asu is one of the weirdest places i've ever been, i don't have many photos of it on my computer now, but the place felt super evil. for one, walking into some of the buildings, my gf and i saw all these vr headsets hooked up to a wall in this really menacing way, they hung as ghosts or skeletons in tombs, with that raytheon sheen to them, something really evil. it made me think of things james ferraro is into right now, and his video game, and the store ultimate electronic, ancient and lost to time certainly. beyond the bizarrely super tech-forward aspect of this campus (it is hugely a part of the culture there it seems, arizona i think wants to bring in startups to boost its local economy + they really would love to have that clout at asu (which they seem to be getting, proving themselves as great lapdogs for capital 10 years in a row now receiving #1 in many terms such as innovation, globlal impact, sustainability)), the place had like 7 churches attached to it. what else, i dunno, the architecture was nice and then very suddenly there were these hudson-yards esque growths, weird neoliberal light installations (raytheon sheen, smooth, rgb lightcycles, huge, inoffensive and basically pretty at some angles, recalling a jellyfish in the night, at others, bringing to mind yoga studio moodlighting as imagined by wal-mart led lightbulbs), and so on. the people on campus, even at night, as activity died, stared and were very weird. uptight stem people it feels like, mostly. on campus though i did see some very nice art, which i will probably get to post w/ names tomorrow. my gf's conference put these on at the school as well, so it was really not related to asu, which feels good i think. i like that stuff, and i'm glad that can stick with me, one woman's work (audrey robinovitz) i saw was some textile stuff she did, really lovely grading on the values in it, supposedly she's weird on twitter but i quite like her visual art (she also had a poem there which sucked but whateverrrr). and jessica tucker created these:

i love them, trapped in plastic, expressing and deformed, part of your communication becoming the ways you are failing to cross the gap, the way you're stuck in the uncanny forever sometimes, the way mania feels when you can't fully communicate with your body, all that kind of stuff. also looks like people stuck in their own reflections in water, not staring at themselves for pleasure but operating from way down there, that history of having been reflected all that instantiates them. whatever. you get it, i like it, i think it is communicating something to me. i'll try and say more about the other works i saw tomorrow when i post them, put thoughts to text as i think these things probably deserve.

i also took some rather sexual photos of these birch trees on the campus, hopefully i can use them but they struck me as reminiscent of hans bellmer and so it felt necessary to take these photos.

and here are some other eerie things i found/shot:

i also did go to one aquarium in a mall, a regular aquarium, and a zoo. i quite liked these, but my gf's mom spent much of these trips saying how she'd gone to better places, and i know she paid and stuff, but it honestly felt pretty rude, i dunno. i never got out a lot, the only really cool places like that i've been are the san diego zoo, which got cut short because i think i was being stupid as a kid, the monterey bay aquarium (i think one of the happiest moments of my life, which is very sad i suppose, but i really adored seeing all those fish just doing things) and the aquarium in chicago, the shed or whatever, i dunno its name, that one was really beautiful too, great creatures on display and a great view of the lake through a huge window. the zoo made me kind of sad, because we saw some animals who seemed pretty unhappy, the jungle cats, a leopard who was pacing as humans do when in stress, a very abnormal behavior, i think, and a sick cat. i didn't take many photos at these, just cuz i wanted to be in the moment for it, i like seeing them do things.

as far as special displays go, i did get to see some batfish, which i don't believe i've ever seen, and i also saw some flounder, a very crazy thing to see, their eyes really are so baffling and surreal, they should not be alive it feels like.

in the zoo, all the reptiles and snakes especially were kept up front and very visible, which was wild to me, i saw some of them moving their funny heads around, they really are such cute and strange creatures. it was also great seeing lizards, i love them, i recognized many from the wild but it was still very fun. also in the reptile enclosure, apparently a family i didn't see was staring at me more than the animals, very annoying! on the other end of that, we all got to see some prairie dogs just chilling, which was very cute/fun. my gf and her mom say they were the highlight of the trip when it comes to animals.

some pics of the 2 aquariums, i wonder if i'll find a way to use these:

and from the mall:

fun and old style of ornamentation in arizona mills.

as far as daytrip stuff, the last thing we really did was today, when we went to this pumpkin patch thing, it was cute, i felt like i was in the illbleed worm level so i felt pretty happy, the haunted and weird autumnal atmospheres really speak to me so when i got to experience that kind of thing in the corn maze/ the pumpkin patch that was full of rotting pumpkins that kids have kicked open, i really enjoyed myself. it feels like a deep thing in me, that's attracted to all that stuff. the carny/fairground stuff, the gentle abjection of it. we also saw some goats, that was cute. we also saw a really insane food truck that has the q anon shaman as a skeleton as its logo on it:

people here were of course very weird too, but not so bad, worse than vegas but not as bad as phoenix it felt like. but, one woman saw me holding a huge pumpkin and she said: you need two!! and held one of her smaller pumpkins up to her breast, and laughed, and i laughed, and she said: i've been looking all day for another! it's the perfect gag. and she went off still looking. she treated me like a human i think, so she is kind of a hero to me, sincerely, i hope she found her other pumpkin for her photo.

we also did some other stuff ofc, through the days, my gf's mom really wanted to go to this huge hunting store, we went to that, i played a shooting game in it and scored 970 points-ish, my gf got 350-ish. my gf's mom got disturbed that i looked at the guns a lot but it's really a fascinating place. these stores are where men go to waste money how they think their wives waste money on clothes, thousand dollar accessories, maybe biting the bullet on something way more expenisve (keeping the typo) , the displays and sale tactics are the same, and just as well, this is the american male fantasy, or at least one of them, the rural king of his land, and the way weapons are represented and which ones are sold, really can communicate a lot. overall it's crazy and fascinating, it's why i like looking in bass pro shops, at the people and the things they buy, and the things they deem fun diversions in their stores (for instance all the weird old candy they sell in these hunting superstores). anyways, as you expect, the base is hugely reactionary and everyone there found me kind of freakish except this grandma who just didn't realize, and when she did, she just smiled. here's a sticker i saw in the parking lot on a car there:

no pain, no gain, shut up and.

so anyways, one final anecdote:

my gf's mom loving bill maher made us watch him and it was so shocking how stupid he is and bad his show is that i started making jokes about it with my gf and she got so mad she just silently shut the tv off and watched the real housewives on her phone. because i said bill maher needs a guy to tell him when to piss over an earpiece.

soooooooooooo,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[chuck-e-cheese-anime-faces]

I wouldnt have thought that at all because i only ever associate that specific synth instrument with arthur background music and also just pre schooler shows in general by extension because of arthur (all his fault.).

Because i used to always consider it a preschool show even though it can be but isnt necessarily its just always played alongside all linds of primarily pre school shows or so i remember kids in preschool always said i was too old for those shows by the age of 5 i think that was it but either way i always took it to heart and was able to put it in practice when i remembered using directv for the first time when we got it installed which i think was around the same time. Well actually, it was directv with tivo i think because i remember the living room and parents room having both having tivo but the channel numbers were the same as directv even tho i thought tivo was just a separate cable provided. But it would make sense if it wss just a company tht like, attached itself to other cable providers to provide a service (digitally automatic tv recording easy to access, navigate to favorite shows, prioritize recording w the 1-3 thumbs up/down system, as well as to even mark which shows and even individual episodes you liked or hated so when ur navigating channel guide you can be like "Oh shit that episode was a really good one, either someone else may have put that rating there to passively reccomend it, or i saw this show/episoslde before and i liked it!!" Or "aw yeah. Theres a bad ep of power puff girls on in a couple hours, myst be one with the rowdyruff boys or that episode with that gross fucking kid who kept trying to kiss them god i fucking hate that episode so much jesus christ but if it was tbat one it would probly have 3 thumbs down and that one only has 1."

Anyways pls dont get the wrong idea tivo is not one of my special interests or current hyperfixations at least not rn im just reminiscing and thinking back to how clearly i rmemeber it and i also really really liked how the interface looked w the calming green backgrounds and the very 2000s sorta like..chic sorta style in a way like idk how to explain it its like the kinda interface i would see on the tv at a pretty new and expensive hotel and the sfx were fun too tivo was fucking awesome)

Anyway i would know immediately which channels were ones like both est and pst channels of nickelodeon and also nicktoons which i watched the shit out of which kind of sorta was something tht in a way kiiinda made me a 90s kid which i TECHNICALLY am but not rlly cuz i was alive in the 90s for like 9 months cuz i was born in 99 (huh thats a lotta 9s in that sentence). But i hated preschool shows for a while kinda partially becuase i didnt really like, allow myself to enjoy them, so as u can imagine the channel noggin that lied between the nick feeds and nicktoons was like a little hurdle to jump over to get to the good shit. And yeah that channel had no goddamn thing for me like til some time noon or afternoon they became "The N" which was a bunch of mostly degrassi teen shows that were heavily if not all live action so i did not care for them at all because i just wanted my goddamn toooooooons.

Speakin o toonami, which was on cartoon network, for a time i kinda hated the cartoon network for like, no clear reason tbh. All the way up until at least age 10 or 11. I think it was cuz i associated it with my first cousin once removed (it thats what you call a cousins kid) who i had jind of a rough relationship with because he was just 2 years younger than me and overall i didnt have a good start with him as he was a baby / toddler like i remember him sorta antagonizing me for fun i think as a thing toddlers can do but i really hated it like i dostinctly remember this one night when the family was hangin out at someplace we were sitting on the couch and yells something and then just throws his fuckin bottle at me and it hurt like hell and cried and on top of that he got a lot more stuff he wanted than me like i remember my cousin (his dad) just one time told me they get him whatever he wants and for that i also resented him because i had been taught not to be spoiled so i felt jealous and so i was kinda short with him growing up and i feel bad for it but it was really not necessarily anyones fault it had to do with our situations tbh and it was so long ago when we didnt know as much about many things. Anyways he watched cartoon network a lot and i think i jjst realized THATs why i started not likeing cartoon network a lot because i rmemeber before then i did watch it a lot i loved dexter and the powerpuff girls (first ever crushes for me im pretty sure) and id get to see some scooby doo where are you before mom would drive me to school from place where we were, id be having shredded tuna for breakfast a lot of days because i really liked it.

But yeah i think it just so happened to be righf around the same time when i was getting to know my first cousin once removed or "nephew" as i would refer to him because they always referred to us as uncle and nephew fsr maybe its cuz it sojnded cooler to them than first cousin once removed. Anyways yeah right around then i just started not liking shit like dexter and even powerpuff girls, powerpuff girls in particular might have also been because kids at my school would call it a girls show for girls fhat could have also played into that but i also just do remember being heavily disillusioned and just not liking cartoon network, somehow i couldnt really see exactly why for a while, but i think thats gotta be it. The same kinda happened with toon disney, which i also would watch, and eventually disney in general. Like i just started arvitrarily hating everything disney for good long while, and i think from there i just would have some continuous brand hatred. I rememver like, the big 3 i hated were disney (which idk if i mentioned but now that i think abt it i think i also associated tht with my "nephew" because they werent a HUGE disney family but they did go to disney a lot and had a lot of disney stuff so they were at least good fond of disney, toon disney also may factor into this the inital hatred because i think i associate it with nephew and remmeber one night when me n him watched it at other cousins house (so his ant btw) and i remember it not going well maybe.), cartoon network, and starting later than those, or at least later than disney general hatred, was toaster strudel hate because i saw commercials of them dissing pop tarts and acting like the superior breakfast toaster pastry and because of that there was a long time i just fucking hated toaster strudels and just pilsbury in general befause thats the company that made them, all because they had to diss the shit out of pop tarts, a breakfast pastry that i wasnt even huge on before i saw those toaster strudel commercials. I think it was because of like, how mean i perceived these commercials to be, cuz i hadnt seen commercials take the shit outta other products like that. Like i think i saw poptarts as some kinda downtrodden friend who got hurt by toaster strudels. Later felt the same about sega when i saw a lot of sega v nintendo ads on youtube late 2000s because they were being mean and i didnt like it. Also object sympathy n shit too.

Okay i derailed the fuck out of that but basically what i was originally trying to get at was that i always considered pbs kids a preschool channel. It might actually be because even though shows like arthur were kinda targeted older kids than toddler and preschool, it would air on the same channel and block as shows like sesame street which were kinda primarily targeted at toddler and preschool kids. And for years because of all that whenever i heard about anyone watching arthur any older than 6 or so i found it strange ljke "was i tbe only one that thought this???" And i mean i think it was i dont remember anyone sayin this other than the preschool kids. Another thing tho, i rmemeber at age 5 or 6 i was old enough to not use a booster seat in tbe car anymore and the day i turned that age i wanted to get rid of it because in my mind i was TOO old for it as soon as i could not have it. Even though later on via tht PSA tht were disney cinderella themed about booster seats said all kids need a booster seat til theyre 4'9" to stay safe but i always ignored that shit and so did my and probbably other parents cuz the kids wouldnt wanna go back into a booster seat and feel even younger and thus less independent or whatever. But the thing is, i watched shit like spongebob a lot after the preschool shows even though IT was on the same channel as all the nick jr shows but thing is that was separated in its own block, so i could better separate it from the rest of the programming on the network. To this day it always feels weird when ppl say blues clues n dora are "Nickelodeon" shows and not Nick Jr shows to me its like saying full house and george lopez and glenn martin dds are nickelodeon shows ykwis.

Anyways im sad that i set up this arbitrary age limit for myself for watching shows i deemed "preschool" shows, whether it be because o shit the preschool peeps told me or becuase the car seat age or both (probly both some way) but i was sad to not have actually enjoyed those shows a little longer amd kinda just convinced myself to hate relatively kinda early on or at least it seems earlier than other peeps ive heard from, but this goes ESPECIALLY so for arthur becuas that show was p good and had a lot of messages for older kids. But if there was a separate NAMED block on the channel specifically for shit like sesame street and caillou and teletubbies then i think i would not have necessarily considered pbs kids a preschool network because thats not rlly what it was, just what i had known it for. If they followed nickelodeons steps w the nick jr shit then i couldve watched it longer but also i shouldna been believein such silly shit about age limits to watch thems kids shows in the first place.

So yeah this synth instrument always just feels like arthur to me and hard to think of it as anything else sometimes because thats where i first heard it and for a long long time never really heard it anywhere else. So i didnt feel this scene was very homoerotic like RIGHT off the top of my head, i mean i did get that feelin but not immediately. I guess when i saw it i was just like oh thats nice moment and kinda innocent and friendly, like a preschool show is.

the 4kids dub for one piece is a mess for a number of reasons but literally what the fuck was this music they added in here

[amurotoorudesu]

!!TW SEXUAL HARRASMENT TOWARDS MINOR, SWEARING!!

!!YOUVE BEEN WARNED!!

a rant that just suddenly happened to me but idk where to vent so i vented here, sorry.

just get sexually harassed by someone i dont even know... i asked my mom who it was and she kinda give me that ick look

so what had happened was my mom told me to give this nasty old ahh granpa a 1kg of eggs (since irl my parents have a kind of "warung serba ada" you often see in indonesia and you can search it down in google) and okay being the good child that rarely home due to staying in my boarding school i do it since we also need money (especially for removing my tooth tomorrow) and then that granpa didnt know me, i was like "oh okay! people often don't know me bcs i spent almost 2 years in the new boarding school across that place!" and then he started to ask where my mom was, and i replied with what currently happened, my mom was in accident, bla bla bla and ask why am i home, i said "oh i have dentist appointment" but he also said that one of her daughter work as dentist in the usual clinic i go. he also touches my hand AND I KNOW ITS SUS CUZ BRO WHY HE SUDDENLY DO THAT. he also asked my age which i replied with my real age and he also said "oh ur sixteen so u dont have your id yet right?" i was like "oh yeah haha" then he asked me to see my mouth (which i agree to show it unfortunately), he looked through it and TAPPED ON THE TEETH A.K.A HE INSERT HIS FINGER TO MY FUCKING MOUT and he just commented on my teeth (that also kind of bad, he commented that) so we just chatted but i sense smth was wrong abt how he suddenly kissed my cheek and said "it was just a chaste kiss and im a good person" (while showing me his wallet that has unfortunately quite the money) and he also asked me what time i probably at my home (and thank god i said i didnt know bcs i don't actually fucking know) and he keeps on saying hes a good person and ASKED ME TO GO TO HIS HOUSE and he'll buy me foods, etc bla bla bla but i didnt want it ok im smart and im not cheap ahh whore.

and then we kind of talked again, i kind of forgot what we were talking abt but he also asked for my phone number (dw i already deleted the number and blocked it) and then he asked me to show me my teeth again and i agreed (even if i have a bad feeling when i rejected the *chaste kiss* he said he gonna give me at the first time, he also tell me if i willingly want to be kissed again he'll gave me money BUT HELL NAWH BITCH IM NOT YOUR CHEAP ASS WHORE) he suddenly kissed my cheek, ALMOST STRAIGHT THROUGH MY LIPS TRYNA MAKE OUT WITH ME 2 TIME and my other cheek, i really tried to avoid & refuse nicely BUT HES STUPID AS FUCK then before he goes he tell me "dont worry if you need help text me and dont forget to go to my house, i'll buy you foods, drinks, anything u want" and show me his thick ass wallet (that i dont really care, my man sylus got more cash than u stinky horny old man)

i ended up asking my mom who it was (and ended up crying even if i dont want to buy i was in shock) and my mom ended up text that old ahh horny shit and he said he'll come over to tell my mom what had actually happened (he did it around 11am, and its 2pm he still haven't come, hope he didnt though) and then my mom tell me abt how fucked up the current city im living, theres a lot of predators like him (i didnt know the news bcs im not allowed to bring phone & access internet freely) and my mom is volunteers who handle cases of sexual violence like this but seeing that her child are also victims, she wont remain silent. if that shitass actually go to my house she will kick him and didnt want to hear any words bcs SHES THATS SICK OF THOSE CASES.

but dwdw im okay now! i comforted myself by listening to txt's love language and playing lads! i dont really think abt it anymore but i just want to tell you if you happen to be the victims, dont hesitate to tell your close people and get help! we all need to be careful bcs the world has become a cruel place and i hope that oldshit didnt do the same to other girls OR EVEN MY OWN LIL SISTERS...

[lemuriz]

vent post cuz I genuinely don't know who to talk to this about right now 👍 tw for alot of sensitive stuff in general

I am. for some reason coming to terms with the fact I was emotionally abused by my parents and my dad still continues to. at one point I was even physically abused. my parents consistently put me down when I had interests, failed to support me when I got severely bullied, absolutely killed my confidence going into teenagerhood and even before I was a teenager gave me self esteem issues, and would constantly compare me to my 'well behaved' brother. he's 3 years younger than me and didn't go through all the trauma I did, though some he did too. they only like him more cuz he doesn't push back, I do. I want the best for him but I am also so tired of him receiving special treatment just cuz I am suffering. My mom takes my brother out for a special 1-1 dinner every single month. she has never done this for me. she says it's because he helps more around the house which is only sometimes true, alot of the time we do the same amount. which isn't nothing.

when my parents separated a bit more than a year ago, the timing couldn't have been worse. I was just starting outpatient treatment (5 months) for my eating disorder which had made me severely malnourished and underweight. I wish I knew back then that the program would not have been worth it and I would've left the program feeling worse than when I started. My parents did try their best to support me through the program, but as soon as I left, all the actually useful stuff that was taught to them they stopped doing. And the timing of the seperation announcement made me start having regular panic attacks, I never grew up having panic attacks just anxiety attacks. I get them almost once a week since then. I was so emotionally unregulated going in, I had zero time to process the grief about the realisation of stuff. The realisation my parents getting along was a fucking sham, that I was wrong to believe they were getting better. That they would rather spring shit on me in one of my lowest times than wait even 2 weeks for me to get myself together before knocking me back down further than I was.

They should have divorced about 7 years ago. They forced my brother and I to live in an unhappy family for way too long. The lack of love my parents felt towards eachother reflected in the fact they barely made effort to spend time together as a family. It was ALWAYS my mom trying to get us to do stuff, and I even spent several Christmas holidays away from my dad because being with his family made him miserable.

Last Christmas, I stayed home to keep my dad company while my mom and brother headed to my grandparents house for the holidays. I wanted to go so badly, even if I knew the holidays almost always turn out miserable for me. But I did not expect to have a huge fight with my dad, for him to be ungrateful I stayed behind for him. I didn't want him to be alone. Instead he directly said to me that he would rather spend Christmas with his girlfriend than with me.

After the seperation, my dad started dating almost instantly. My mom wasn't even moved out of the house before he brought his first and second girlfriends over. Granted she was never home, but he never asked my brother or I if he could bring a stranger into our house for romantic relations either.

My dad has consistently broken boundaries around the consent of my brother and I. He also gaslights us when we bring up issues to him, saying that because he doesnt remember it didn't happen. My dad has very bad memory issues but does nothing to help it at all. It's likely because he's chronically sleep deprived but refuses to stop staying up past 2am every single night.

I just needed to get some of that out there. Don't feel any obligation to interact.

[olderjodijournals]

Wednesday, July 1, 1992

 

I have many things to write about, but I think I’ll save the bulk of it till later this evening. I have done so much writing in the last few days, so I need to take a break. Plus, I really need to go warm up my voice as I believe Andy and I are going to go and compete in a karaoke contest tonight. I don’t know for sure. All I know is that when I went over to his apartment to use his phone at 4:00, he was sound asleep. Oh well.

Thursday, July 9, 1992

 

Right now I’m only gonna do a quick rundown on topics I’ll write about in full detail tomorrow. First of all, since being here I had a very scary close call a couple of days ago. It concerns financial issues and Shadow. I was a devastated bundle of nerves for almost 24 hours. The financial issue has been fixed, but I’m crushed about something else and I always will be.

I’ll also write about packages from my parents. Packages I have gotten and packages I’m expecting. Also, about tapes and calls. Tomorrow I must go to the office for my CDs.

Sunday, July 12, 1992

 

I still have much writing to do. A few miserable things have happened to me since I’ve last written. I can’t help but feel guilty and cursed as I usually do, despite the fact that I had no control over the situation. I had a great month to start with here, then I wound up wishing I was dead again. I got so scared and depressed as reality hit me. So many fears, doubts, and questions were going through my head. All I kept thinking is that I didn’t want to live my life scraping pennies. Just barely able to pay the rent, the electric bill, food and other non-edibles that add up. Because I know now 100% for sure I’ll never have my dream, what the fuck is my purpose in life. What am I here for? To just barely ever eat enough and eat right? To be scared that SS will cut or stop my checks? SSI already stopped the check I get monthly for $16. They claim I was overpaid which is a crock of shit. There’s no use calling them as you just can’t fight them.

What is my purpose in life? To wonder if I can fully come up with the rent money and the electric bill? This is gonna be my life cuz I cannot settle, cannot have my dream and will never live in a project again. I couldn’t settle even if I wanted to. I couldn’t get up day after day very early in the morning. I’d only sleep 2-4 hours a night. We already know what effect that has on a person. Live in the NHA if you can’t sleep before 4 AM and see how it feels. I can’t afford to get up at 7 AM, lay in bed from 11 PM to 4 AM-5 AM and get up at 7 AM all over again continuously.

I also cannot afford to go without medical benefits and pay thousands of dollars for medical shit. So once again, what is my purpose here?

On July 7th, I had a horrible day. My food stamps are gonna be delayed now another month cuz the asshole in CT never closed my case. The worker in AZ said the worker back there never knew I moved. Bullshit. Tammy and Dad spoke to her. They do this to delay you as while they’re delaying you they save money. I’m so sick of harassment from public assistance, SSI and SS. I was so stressed out and was crying so long and hard that my eyes were nearly swollen shut. I thought it’d be easier financially here. That is one of the reasons why I moved here.

Besides being scared shitless about money, I got a notice from the office here. Either pay a $50 fine and be evicted or get rid of Shadow. I knew I had no choice. Andy and I drove him to Paradise Valley where Stevie Nicks lives. We dropped him and his box over the wall onto her property. God, do I miss that cat! As obnoxious as he was, I miss meowing with him and his being so loving and affectionate.

I’m too upset to continue on now and that pretty much covers all the bad news. It’s gonna be a long boring life of struggling financially, wishing I could settle happily, wishing I wanted to be anything else as bad as I wanted to be a singer, and wondering what my purpose is here on earth?!

When I continue, believe it or not, I’ll have better things to write about. Right now, though, all I can think about is Shadow. Most of the time I have him pretty well blocked out. Now, I can’t get rid of him.

Thursday, July 16, 1992

 

Once again, I really need to get my ass in gear and write daily. I have so many fantastic things to write about and so many shitty things to write about. Well, why not start with the shitty stuff and save the best for last.

I’m listening to the original “complex” argument with Fran and Nervous. Thank God Andy had this even though it’s only 90 seconds long. It was always my favorite and it’s very funny.

Right now I am very disgusted and pissed off at Andy. I thought he changed. All he kept telling my parents and I is how he’s become more giving as far as car rides, for example. He told me to make any appointments I needed to make on his days off and he’d have no problem taking me. In these 115º temps, I cannot walk, even though the grocery store and the bank are very close. I’m not used to this heat yet and need to wait till it becomes a little cooler. He said that was no problem and understood. The other day he went back on his word and insisted I could walk in this extreme heat. He’s been going back on his word on so many things and bitching at me for doing or saying things that he himself does or says as well.

He’s lied to me and my parents about a few things and that has me wondering what else he’s said that may be a lie.

All he does every day is bitch about how stressful work is and the zillions of reasons why he hates his job. Yet I have never condemned him for it or said things to him like, “Shut up about it,” and “Don’t let it get to you,” and “Just smile and be happy.”

All he’s ever said to me since he’s been here is that he’s miserable and depressed. But yesterday he turned around and said he’s always happy and he wants to be around happy people, and that I should be happy all the time myself. Then he goes back to telling me how much he hates people and doesn’t want friends. How he wishes he could stand in a corner and never say anything to people. How he can’t be himself and is lied to and led on. I told him I feel the same way and that I stay isolated so I can be myself. But yesterday he bitched at how I’ve got a wall up around me and I’ve got to make friends because all the bullshit friends go through is worth it. In the next breath, it’s not worth it at all.

He’s offered me things I never asked for like to eat dinner with him. He’s knocked on my door and said he was on his way to the store, would I like to come along? Later he said how he shouldn’t have fed me or driven me to the store. Then why the fuck did he do it?

Then after bitching at me about how I don’t get out and live life, he goes right back to talking about how he’s gotta be alone and have space. He says that after a stressful day at work he’s gotta be alone and I shouldn’t come over every day. Any time he’s asked me to leave, I have. I gave him a ribbon to tie on his doorknob if he doesn’t want to be bothered. But he bitched about his space after I gave him the ribbon and that problem was fixed. He is a very sad, lonely miserable guy who cuts people down while pretending to be happy and king of the world. He’s told me how he wants to burn people and feels bitter just like I do. But why is he taking his shit out on his friends? Burn someone who burns you or pick up the phone, I told him!

He and so many other people continuously have to tell me what to think, say and feel. If I say I like the color pink and for whatever reason Andy can’t handle that, I’m a liar. As far as he’s concerned, I really don’t like the color pink if that’s the way he wants it.

I dumped that girl Donna cuz she too, started to judge me and assume shit when she doesn’t even know me. All she knows is why I moved here. I know Andy’s spoken to her, and I’m not sharing friends with Andy. I learned that with Brenda, Steve, Jai and a few others that it’s not good to share friends with him because of the way he tries to turn them against me when he gets pissed at me.

Andy insisted Donna could be a good friend and I shouldn’t dump her. I’m sure she could be in other ways and I’ll always appreciate the help with the food she gave me and the dress, but I will not be who she wants me to be. I know I did the right thing by cutting Donna off, even though there’s a little tiny part of me that misses her. The thing of it is, though, if Donna had been the one to dump me, Andy would have been on her side.

I am not gonna take his shit with Andy like I did in Springfield!

Friday, July 17, 1992

 

In 1984, this is the day I walked free from Valleyhead. It was my last walk down Reservoir Road and I didn’t even know it. But I told myself I’d be damned if I’d return. I was a junior staff who had graduated. I’d done my time there.

Denise, my best friend there was taken in by Michelle. Michelle was my favorite teacher there. Michelle also despised Donna and her psycho sister Margaret. Also Barbara. She left for the same reasons any student there can’t wait to leave. She saw and knew how the kids there were treated.

I haven’t seen Andy since last Wednesday. All people want to do is fight, fight, fight. No one can let anyone be themselves. They flip out over the most stupid things. They knock you down when you’re already down. For a girl that expresses herself well and communicates well, I sure seem to be so misunderstood. I don’t want to fight with anyone. All I want to do is be happy. I try my best to get along with people but they’re always so determined not to get along with me. When are people gonna stop fighting with others so those who don’t want to fight and argue don’t have to?

I know I’m doing the right thing by avoiding Donna and Angel. And Andy agreed with me before all this happened that it isn’t always too smart to get involved with your neighbors as lucky as I sometimes was in Springfield. Who wants hostility so close to home? Plus, in Springfield, the only place to be was in your apartment. Here, I’m always at the pool and it’s harder to avoid people you don’t like or who don’t like you when you’re at the pool constantly.

A little over a month ago, I met a woman named Kathy at the pool. No, she wasn’t a butch as most Kathy’s, Carol’s and Karen’s seem to be. In fact, she was OK-looking. She’s got 3 kids. Her fiancé is a maintenance guy here. We chatted briefly at the pool and she told me she was home all day and could use some company. She gave me her apartment number and told me to come by anytime I wanted. I stopped at her place once for 15 minutes and I’ve never seen her since. She never said or did anything to scare me off but I know how all friendships are cool in the beginning, then take a turn for the worst. All is well when you begin anything, then it changes. If it doesn’t become a horrible situation, it gets boring. Maybe friendships are just as bad as intimate relationships after all.

Sometimes people are hard to avoid. Especially when you don’t plan on talking to them, but they talk to you. I did consider staying away from people with jobs and thought maybe it’d be better if I pursued more people on SS and SSI. I’m not ashamed to be on SS and SSI but so many people with jobs are bashing and knocking people like me. I don’t hate myself and I know I’m not stupid. However, when I tell people I’m on it when they ask what I do, they paint themselves a pretty bad and false picture.

I’ve written before about how one can only change the way they feel about certain things but not all things. How I wish I wanted to be anything else as bad as I want to be a singer. Sometimes, I look at all these people with jobs and wish I could love something else like I love to sing or be able to settle. I wish I had some sort of responsibility and a reason to get up every day. But even if I were a day person and had a decent job, I would have to constantly have to deal with people. I’m sure that no matter how well I did my job and kept my mouth shut that someone would stir up trouble for me.

There are a lot of people, though, on SSI and SS and everyone’s got their fair share of worries, fears, doubts and problems. I’ve been seeking out a somewhat “lower” class of people lately. No one on drugs or overly crazy, but low- or no-income people. People that are in my present situation, and if they have a similar background, that makes it even better. I used to try to seek out people who are fairly financially and emotionally stable with a better background. But these are the people who look down on me and feel they can do better, whether I hated myself or not. Opposites don’t attract.

Yesterday at the pool, as I was unlocking the gate, a woman called out, “Hi there,” as if we were old friends. Well, she’s 48, on SSI and SS, has lots of problems, is depressed and dead broke. Her name’s Ellie and she also has no car so we may walk to the store tomorrow. Normally, I wouldn’t coldly reject or try to change Ellie as many others would, but I’d be reluctant to get too close. I’d be thinking - can’t I do better than this? I’ve matured, presented myself better, don’t talk too much, remain evasive about my past and present life and don’t hate myself.

Later...

I went to see my primary physician here and he gave me Amoxicillin. I can’t wait till I’m off of them so I can continue with my tan before I lose what I’ve begun so far. I thought I had a yeast infection downstairs but instead, I have a bacterial infection. He couldn’t even do a pap smear as I am so tender there now. I’ll have to go for that after I’m through with my antibiotics and to make sure I don’t acquire a yeast infection since antibiotics can cause them.

My mom said she’d send me $50 a month and I hope she does soon as I’ve only got $5 until the end of the month. I really dreaded calling mom and telling her what’s been going on financially as she’s done a lot already but she was very understanding. I still must reapply for food stamps and hope I have a little extra money here and there once I get settled. I tried and fought for my SSI check but it’s hopeless, even though I was not overpaid.

There are so many non-edible things that add up, so even with food stamps, there’s never enough cash. I want to give Andy some money as soon as I can and God only knows if I’ll ever be able to afford a phone. The next few months are gonna be a struggle but I hope I’ll be OK. It’ll relieve the bulk of my stress if I don’t have to keep worrying about money. I still don’t know what SS is gonna do to my check.

I sent mom 12 pictures Andy took which came out fairly nice for a change. I told her to copy whatever she wants, then send them to Tammy. Have her do the same, then send them back to me so I can throw them into my collection.

I got some really nice packages from mom and dad. My pictures, typewriter, some papers, records and one guitar aren’t here yet. They sent my vacuum, one guitar, two quilts, two more bathing suits, shoes, suntan lotion, hair accessories, coupons and a small black and white TV. Also a lamp and two hideous shorts and shirt sets. Worse than conservative. I mean tacky, geeky, baggy and dull colors. That and a couple of pairs of cotton granny panties.

She also sent a table and two folding chairs. She asked me if I wanted the other two chairs and I said no. The two I have are enough. I like this so much better than my old kitchen table and chairs. They were getting old, dingy and beat up. It’s blue and matches my carpet well. The top of the table is soft leather-like material. To go with it she sent 4 mauve-colored placemats. The chairs are hard but there are two floral cushions you tie on to make them softer and more comfortable.

She also sent a raft and I was gonna sleep on that. I had figured it’d be wider but it’s too narrow for me to sleep on. Mark next door said I can continue using the foam mattress he lent me.

She sent me 5 plastic shelves just like the ones I used to have. That was fantastic so I could get shit off the floor. She’s gonna send another set which I’ll use in the living room. This set I put in the bedroom.

Saturday, July 18, 1992

 

Well, I never did get to bed after the last time I wrote. I felt really shitty and couldn’t stop worrying about money. I called Ma and I should get $50 soon. She’ll send that monthly along with a box of non-edibles that food stamps can’t buy. That really brought me a lot of relief and then I jumped in the pool. When you’re trying to stay up cuz your schedule keeps changing, there’s nothing like having a pool. It really revives you when you jump in. It’ll be easier to change schedules here. If you need to stay up all day to try to sleep at night, you can lie out by the pool all day and relax. You won’t sleep that way but you won’t be overexerting yourself in any physical way.

In a half-hour, I’m gonna watch Little House on the Prairie.

Earlier at 9:30, I ordered a pizza that never came till 11:15, so I got it for free and saved $7.14.

I wish I had a little microcassette recorder. This way I can speak about all the subjects I want to write about without forgetting them if several days pass by before I write. At least I do have a fairly decent memory that I know I can rely on. It’d still be great to have a microcassette, though, as that way no details would ever slip my mind here and there. Many times, say I’m at the pool, for example, I’ll remember something I want to write about, but when I do write I forget. If I brought a microcassette recorder around with me to most places I go, I can speak little notes in bits and pieces of the subject, then play it all back whenever I decide to write.

Sunday, July 19, 1992

 

I got the $50 from Mom and that was great. I really needed real food. All I had was stuff like bread, cereal and pasta, and I get sick of the lack of variety. I can’t get away with not eating right anymore.

I still haven’t gotten anything in the mail from Tammy or Lisa and I also haven’t spoken to Andy. I did leave him the $10 stamps I owe him and $10 in cash. My God his place reeks! How can he live like that? His place always reeks and is a pigpen. The way people live really reflects a lot about them. We both have had our depressing times and my place is sometimes a little trashed. But if you compare each other’s definition of “trashed,” they’re completely different. Even when I’m miserable I still usually have my place nice and my appearance too, if I can help it. He, on the other hand, always is a mess. That tells me something. I just cannot stand those that contradict everything they say. I feel so misunderstood by him. Part of it is that he’s got a lousy memory. Maybe cuz he smokes pot. The other part of it is his stubbornness. You’re a liar if he doesn’t want to accept, hear or believe something you’ve said.

I hate people who are so verbally abusive and think they can cut you down when they’re miserable, pretending to be king of the world and the happiest son of a bitch alive. I can see through that, not that he’d ever own up to it. He has said how he’s bitter and lonely and hates people and wants to lash out at them and treat them like shit. I can very much relate to those feelings too, but not with what’s supposed to be my best friend. Can’t people spare their best friends? We’re either gonna be enemies with no contact or friends that treat each other like friends. I’m not gonna go back and forth with him as we did in Springfield. It’s normal to fight here and there, but I won’t tolerate such shit like his on a regular basis. If he ever found anyone for a relationship, he’d never make it work more than a week any more than I could. Also, just like me, he’d attract the wrong kind of person, but for a totally different reason than me.

Later...

I got some of my old edits from Andy and duped them. He also gave me a tape of his best calls for me to edit. I’ve begun that as well as other editing. He and I have made some calls from his place. I still have lots of editing to do, but I always have more stuff to edit. I edited down all my convos with several different folks and left a few blanks for taping convos. Then I edit out anything boring onto another tape.

I still have to reapply for food stamps and set up something with a therapist. I sure hope there’s an agency that makes home visits. It’d be so much easier. I have a number to call that two counselors gave me the night I was all freaked about money. I ran in a panic to the payphone and cuz I didn’t know who to call, I called 911. I spoke with the dispatcher for a while and then she connected me with Terros. The police routinely come out first, then they send Terros out. I’ve seen these same two cops twice and this woman twice. I forgot her name but she had a different male partner with her each time she came out. I’ve forgotten all their names, except for Sheryl and Annette. They do a weekly follow-up for a month or so and they were the ones who came out last Wednesday. They’re gonna be here again next Wednesday on the 22nd at 7 PM. Annette’s white and Sheryl’s black and I don’t know why, but I really liked Sheryl. It almost seemed like it was mutual from what I sensed. It’s not that she’s gorgeous but something was there. Of course, I plan to keep my mouth shut.

Most types of people with real jobs that I’ve always seemed to click with are cops and security guards, like Dave here for example. He’s 40-something, I guess and is very nice to chat with. On weekends he’s here at night. He locks the gates at the pools at midnight. He’s here at night on weekdays too, as I’ve seen him lock the pools up at 10 PM. The pools open early in the morning but on weekends it’s open till midnight. I wish they were open 24 hours on my schedule, but there’d be lots of loud wild parties and no one near the pool would ever sleep.

After I got my $50 today, Mark next door took me to Fry’s, the grocery store right near here. He said to let him know whenever I need rides. That’s great as there’s no way I can walk in this heat with or without asthma. Early in the morning, nothing’s open and I never would walk at night. Can’t tell Andy that, of course.

Today it was 112º. Tomorrow it’ll be 110º.

Later...

I was just sitting here thinking of several things here and there about this and that. I can’t wait till I get the other pictures. It’s been almost two months. Also, I’m really looking forward to that second set of shelves ma’s sending. I’ll use them out in the living room.

I wish Arizona paid as much as MA did between the two checks. In MA it’s $581. In CT and AZ it’s $442 cuz it’s cheaper to live here.

I really wanted a 1-bedroom. That’s what I’m used to and I need the extra space. Especially the extra closet space. I’ve seen them and they’re so nice. Perfect. I miss being on the top floor, too. My place, though, minus furniture looks nicely decorated. Now that I’ve got shelves, tables and chairs, the only other thing I need is a bed. A twin would be fine as it’s just me, although you can fit a double bed in there and I’d still have room for my shelves. Luckily I do not have my old queen-size waterbed. That would definitely not fit in there. A color TV that’s a little bigger would be nice too, but no big deal and certainly not the end of the world.

I am now just about completely updated. All I need to write about are these two lesbian bars I went to a few weeks ago. Also, 3 more drop-dead gorgeous girls I met at the pool. I mean, they are all a 10+! LaDon, Lisa and Rosemarie. Rosemarie looks the most like Gloria out of any others I’ve met, though I think she may be Italian. I haven’t spoken to her much yet, just exchanged a few hellos and mentioned that she looked like Gloria. She says she’s told that all the time. Late-night two nights ago at the pool, I met LaDon and Lisa. They’re gorgeous too. All 3 of them have bodies that look like models. They’re perfect from head to toe. Their teeth, flat bellies, and straight thighs. Standing next to them makes me look below average when I know for a fact that if I’m compared to the average female, I’m doing pretty well. The typical, usual bummer of it all is that I’m sure they’re all straight as an arrow.

Cigarette break now, then I will write about those bars. Then, I shall finally be all up to date unless there’s a little detail here and there that has slipped my mind.

Monday, July 20, 1992

 

I am just slowly beginning to wake up. I slept like a log from 12:30 PM-8:30 PM, but I am still groggy. I guess that’s good, though, as it’ll keep me up longer tomorrow if I take my time waking up.

I hope I get the rest of my stuff soon and a letter from my nieces. It’d also be really nice to hear from Kim, Bob, Fran or Nervous but that’s wishful thinking.

I’m gonna call SSI and the food stamp people out here. I should hopefully be able to reapply over the phone. I’ll also call about seeing a therapist and reschedule my doctor’s appointment for my pap smear. This Wednesday I’ll be through with the antibiotics and will be able to continue on with my tan.

My TD has been really pissing me off. Since being on the antibiotic it’s been worse. Some medications can make it worse. My TD also acts up and becomes worse when I’m tired or upset, but we’ll see if it subsides a bit when I finish the antibiotics.

The gay bars – well – I went to two of them and they shocked the shit out of me just as the shrinks in Natchaug did. Just when I thought nothing more could shock me. Back east it was 95% butch and a very occasional feminine woman. Here, there were lots of butches but also feminine ones mixed in. There weren’t tons and tons of them, but there sure was enough. More than a few. For the first time, I felt like I had the same variety as gay men do.

I met these 5 girls named Becky, Carmen, Carol, Holly and Lori. I gave them all my number or Andy’s number, I should say, but did they call me after telling me how pretty and nice I was? No. Of course not. Whatever’s up there is determined to let me only have two one-nighters a year.

I was also shocked at all these people who say they want relationships. And after I tell them I only want one-nighters here and there so they won’t feel threatened or scared that I’ll smother them or put strings on them. Yet I still get nowhere.

Why are people so afraid to pick up the phone? If they really want to check into someone, why don’t they put any effort into it? Why is it always me that does the seeking and approaching? The only one that approached me was one that wasn’t ugly, but not in the least bit attractive, naturally. What else is new? To tell the truth, though, after dealing with more and more shit with people, I’m glad they never called. Donna and Andy reminded me just what I’d be in for.

The only ones out of those 5 that I may have been attracted to enough to sleep with would’ve been Carmen and Becky and maybe Holly. Not Carol or Lori. I highly doubt they called during this shit with Andy. If they did he may be spiteful and immature enough to not tell me, but if that is the case, he’s done me a great favor and has spared me more bullshit. I don’t think he’d be mature enough to leave a note on my door at least, no matter how I felt about meeting them. But I’m completely turned off after his and Donna’s shit. Even with pursuing Sonja who’s never called back after I spoke to her. We had an OK talk too, or so I thought.

Wait till my sister calls. He can’t wait, no doubt, to go on and on crying on her shoulder. She won’t fall for it and knows better but if she questions me I’ll tell her it’s our problem and our business. I’m sure Velma and all his other friends have heard all about it on a daily basis. Well, enough of Andy, but I’ll say one last thing. That is I give what I get and if he can go back on his word so can’t I. That means I ain’t cleaning his place worth shit!

Tuesday, July 21, 1992

 

Earlier I got my second set of shelves. I used them in the living room and it looks so much better now. The whole place looks great, even the walls. I’ve always been good at decorating.

I managed to stay up until 4 PM and sleep until midnight. More and more I wish I could be up during the days. Even if I had nothing to do. At least I’d have the pools and I’d feel better. Also, if I did have something to do, I’d be able to be awake for it. Well, Andy said he never could be a day person if his life depended on it till this year. Hopefully, that’ll happen to me even though right now that seems impossible, but who knows?

Later...

I just ate and ran off the dishes. The dishes here don’t get really clean and I was told it has nothing to do with the dishwasher. It’s Arizona’s water. California has the same problem. There’s supposed to be something you can buy to put in the water or the dishwasher, but I don’t know what.

As I saw Mark walking towards his place, I tapped on the slider and waved hello. He knocked a few minutes later for a light for his cigarette. He came in and saw how I’ve decorated since getting my shelves. Said it looks so girlie. Yeah, it does.

I’ve got an hour or so yet before the pool opens. I’m psyched to get on with my tan. I’m losing what I had. Mark’s gonna blow up my raft sometime.

All I keep thinking about is Rosemarie. I know she’s straight as a pin, but I like to seek, chase and do my homework and detective work even though I get absolutely nowhere. She is the ultimate attraction for me. Ann Marie was no second best but she sure is compared to Rosemarie. All in all, God will never grant me that much. It just ain’t meant to be and will never happen for one night. As I’ve learned, just cuz you’re positive or want something bad enough doesn’t mean you’ll get your way. If you pray for something you want or bust your ass trying to achieve it and it’s not in the cards, you’ll never get it. If Rosemarie were meant to be, God would send her my way whether I wanted her or not.

I saw her yesterday morning for the first time in the bright sunlight. She’s so beautiful. I can tell so even though I’ve still never seen her close up. I was in the pool and she walked around the fence obviously on her way to work. She seems like a very friendly person. I could be wrong, though, since I don’t know her and everyone seems nice till you get to know them. We said hello to each other and she asked how I was. She also said hi to two elderly ladies and I don’t even think they know each other.

Right after that, I ran back to my place to see what time it was. It was 7:55 AM. Well, at 7:45, I will head over there and sit down on the bench.

I have makeup on and that sundress Donna gave me. My hair is all brushed out, too.

It’s fun, but on the other hand, I know I’m completely wasting my time. I think she’s with a guy. Well, it isn’t the first time I’ve thought of someone who never thinks of me. It won’t be the last either. I want her sooooooo bad. At least I hope to try to get to know her and be friends with her. It’s better than nothing and I doubt there’s any way she could be bi, let alone gay. Yes, she’s a neighbor and yes, she’s got a job. But this is an exception I can’t pass up.

Wednesday, July 22, 1992

 

I know I’m wasting my time chasing Rosemarie, but hey, it’s fun. Andy also believes she’s got a boyfriend that she lives with, but it won’t be the first or last time that I’ve wasted my time.

I got a lot of color back yesterday that I had begun to lose. It looks good. When I returned to the pool, Andy was there. We had a very nice talk and I said all the things I wanted to say. He listened. I listened to him too, and simply told him I don’t want to fight with him or anyone else.

Those two girls from Terros, Sheryl and Annette, will be here at 7:00 this evening. I’ll have some happier things to say than the last time. My place also looks much better, too.

Friday, July 24, 1992

 

Well, I sure had an adventurous last two days! I’ll save the best for last. First, I met this girl, Fay, who I’ve seen around here a lot. She sort of reminds me of Tracy K, although she’s not quite that ugly. Close though. I’d never touch her, even though she’s bi. She’s got a boyfriend and a son but she’s had threesomes and lots of woman fantasies. She’s very tall and heavy with very short hair.

Later...

I just stopped for a while cuz Andy came over. I gave him Julie B’s letter which he’s gonna mail when he goes home from August 1st – 8th. He’ll be spending most of his vacation at the beach. Julie is a friend of Velma’s. Or was. She’s a hairdresser like Velma but she did some things to piss Velma off. Velma says she will hear all about the letters and get a good kick out of it. We just wrote a bunch of strange stuff. Nothing too scandalous.

I also played Andy a CD of Stevie Nicks.

Tomorrow between 4:00-4:30 we’re gonna go to Donna’s place for the twin-size mattress she’s got, I guess. We’ll see, but if she stands me up I’ll never count on her for shit again. We’re gonna go in Mark’s truck.

I spoke with Mark yesterday and also met a friend of his. His friend asked me out to the movies with him but I told them I was gay. Mark said no problem, but he hates gay guys. He said, however that cuz he’s my friend he’ll be cool. I said he better be cuz Andy’s not the least bit attracted to him and not to flatter himself. Also, anyone who fucks with my friend is fucking with me.

Mark and I also went swimming yesterday and today he brought me to a church to get food till I can reapply for food stamps. They usually have a Spanish interviewer there but he was out at the time. Two women spoke no English so I interpreted for them.

When Fay came over she had a piece of cheesecake for me. It was really good. We chatted here, then I brought her to Andy’s and we got some wrong numbers. We had some fun with those. I chatted with her today and told her all about my visit to Rosemarie and Rick’s place. It went super well, too. I’ve been pretty psyched about that. I told Fay how I felt about her before I finally got to meet her and talk to her last night.

When I get back from the pool, I’ll write all about it. Right now, though, I really am dying to go for a swim.

Later...

I am going to bed soon so I’ll write a little bit about Rosemarie and Rick. I was over to their place yesterday and today and I really like them both very much. I was a little nervous last night but tonight I felt much more relaxed. We all laughed and joked and talked about many things. Not sure I liked Rick’s joke about my being cheap cuz I’m Jewish, though. Don’t get me wrong. I can take a joke. But was it purely a joke, or was he being serious in some way? His tone made me wonder.

Most people blush when they’re around people they’re attracted to, so I thank God I’m fried with lots of color all over to hide it. My face would’ve been as red as it is from the sun. I’ve gotten a lot of color too.

My first night there, I noticed how they were really determined to get to know me. They really wanted to know all they could about me. They insisted I stay and talk and they said I was welcome to their place anytime. They were really coming at me from all different angles, attacking me with several questions. Their curiosity was genuine, not phony. They seemed very truly interested in all I had to say. Rosemarie kept asking me to sing and asking questions about that.

It at least seemed that they were open-minded and sensitive and very accepting. I even had no problem telling them of my being on SS.

Last night, before I went over there, I had to think of an excuse. I know this was being a little dishonest, but I told them some girl knocked on my door telling me Rosemarie had something to tell me. Next time I see them, Andy’s friend pulled this “joke” on me is what I’ll say.

I told Andy all about last night. Next time I see him, naturally I will fill him in on tonight’s visit which was 10 times better. Rosemarie brought up the subject of a boyfriend, so that’s when it all came out. Right away they were quick to reassure me that they did not think any less of me cuz of how I am but they did have a zillion questions for me. I told them to ask away and that I’m used to answering tons of questions and am very open about it.

Eventually, we were laughing and joking about everything from this butch who used to live near them to the underwear my mom sent that could cover her car. Rosemarie said there were two gay women next to her. One was feminine and nice, the other a mad, bitchy, jealous butch. She used to give Rosemarie dirty looks and Rosemarie said she was terrified of her.

Rosemarie also knows I’m very attracted to her. I am so glad we met. She and Rick are so friendly. They are very accepting of me. For Rosemarie being as pretty as she is, she’s so nice! I know I’ll never get her in bed but I do want to be friends with her as long as possible.

Well, now I think I’ll go listen to music before I go to sleep. I sure hope I’m sleeping in a real bed tomorrow night!

Sunday, July 26, 1992

 

Yesterday was a very good day. I continued to get more color and I swam all day. I spoke with Fay and briefly saw Rosemarie. I didn’t want to seem so pushy and smother them. I know what it’s like to need breathing space. I didn’t want them to feel like I was invading their daily lives. I never went up to their apartment, but when I was in the pool Rosemarie came out onto her patio. I called out hi and asked if she was gonna go for a swim. She said she didn’t feel like it and that was it. They did say that they’d come see my place sometime.

Last night at 7:30, Andy and I went in Mark’s truck to get that bed. It’s a twin-size bed but very comfortable. It really felt good to get off the floor. I gave Mark his foamy thing back but that sure saved me from feeling like I’d break all my bones, even though I have nice plush thick carpet. I slept very well. In fact, I even fell asleep at 1 AM, maybe earlier. I woke up at 8:30. Yesterday I woke up at 10:30.

After we brought the bed back here, Andy gave me a twin-size sheet. I can easily still use mine by tucking it in between the mattress and the box spring. I do have a frame but it’s missing a clamp. There’s no hurry for it, but it’d be nice to eventually have for a few reasons. One is it’d raise the bed up a little higher and my quilt wouldn’t be on the floor as much. Two, it’d be on wheels and easier to move. Three, I could store stuff under the bed.

I took Andy’s vacuum and used that and now my place looks so cute. Now, all I have to worry about is getting my food stamps which Andy will take me to reapply for next Wed. I also am dying to get a phone. I must first get situated financially and get my food stamps.

Later...

Fay came over. She found a white dress in the dumpster that fits me perfectly. It’s a little too long, though and it looks almost like a wedding dress. It has a few stains but ones that aren’t overly visible. It’s got long sleeves of white lace and the rest is solid white. There’s a lining inside but the outside is like chiffon. Streaming down the back to the floor is a piece of chiffon and there’s also a lace bow in front. Even with heels, it’s still just a wee bit too long so whoever wore it was also a size 3, but maybe a few inches taller.

Fay also found this tiny, colored pillow I had for a long time that I threw in there. I gave her two other little ones Ma sent. She’s got a bad back so she uses it for that.

Later...

Last night after I vacuumed and fixed up my bed, Andy and I played Crazy 8’s. Something we haven’t done since we were kids.

It’s time to write everyone’s letters. A lot has happened since I last wrote. I sure can say one great thing, though, and that is that I haven’t had but a few bad days since June 9th! That was all over money, of course.

Now after being here as long as have I can now truly feel a difference in my asthma. Sure I still wheeze and wake up a little congested. But I no longer sneeze my ass off like there’s no tomorrow. Overall I feel so much better and now I know firsthand why they recommend that asthmatics live here.

I will wait to reschedule my appointment for my pap smear and also have him fill out the TAP form (Telephone Assistance Program) to waive my installation fee.

After Andy returns from home he’ll take me there, and we mutually agreed and compromised on one thing. That is that until it gets cooler, he’ll drive me places, but rather than wait around forever, he’ll go home and I’ll call him when I’m through.

I hope next Wednesday I can get a letter to go to the food bank. There, they gave me quite a bit. At the church, Mark took me to, however, they didn’t give all that much.

Later...

So far today I’ve gone to the pool by Rosemarie 3 times and I just came back from the other pool.

I was walking out my door at the same time Fay was walking out hers across from me. Fay and her son James and I were headed to the “Rosemarie” pool when we saw how it was infested with little kids, so we took off for the other pool. That pool was crowded too, but not nearly as mobbed as the other one was. On weekends it’s pretty crowded. At night during the weekdays, it’s ok.

At the other pool, I ran into Stephanie. Pez screwed her over and now she’s got a new roommate also from New York like Pez and Stephanie. I’ve met her before and she’s sort of pretty but she’s straight, according to Steph.

It’ll be a long long time before I see another woman as gorgeous as Rosemarie. They’re far and few between in my opinion.

I told Stephanie that Andy told me she used to pay Pez $15 to clean her bathroom. I told her not to hesitate to ask me if she needs help cleaning. If I were to only clean her bathroom once a week for $15, that’s $60 extra a month! That’d be great but I know better than to count on it, even though she said she’d let me know when she gets her paycheck.

She also said she’d come check out my place and mentioned going to clubs. I told her I’d go to clubs with her if she needed someone to take along, but she stood Andy and I up last time. She said some serious shit went down that night, so we’ll see how reliable she is.

There’s a little part of me that’s tempted to go visit Donna. She’d be happy if I did, I guess. She really wanted to be my friend, but then I dumped her. Afterward, I swore I’d make no more friends and acquaintances - Fay, Stephanie, Harriett, Debbie, Robert, Mark, all the maintenance people, Dave the security guard, Rosemarie, Rick, and so many others I don’t know by name. With most of these people, I didn’t even initiate the conversation. They began to speak to me. Lots of people strike up conversations with me. Males, females, kids, young and old. I haven’t seen Ellie, though.

Last night I ran into Angel and Grace. We had a quick yet nice chat. Angel still hasn’t had her baby yet. They were just taking a walk and I invited them in to see my place all fixed up.

I told her that I wasn’t ever angry at her and that I’d been worried about money, but that she still had a friend in me. I apologized for seeming to have pushed her away and shut her out. She said she had thought about stopping by but has been busy.

Later...

I’ve never met so many people at once other than in schools or funny farms! I was just at the pool and I met a guy named Chuck, his Vietnamese girlfriend Lily and his son. I forgot his son’s name but they were all very nice. It seems I can just stand in the corner and not say anything and people will talk to me. I guess it’s a lot easier to socialize at pools as opposed to someplace like a grocery store.

Mark and his friend came home. The one who hooked up my VCR and asked me out to the movies. Lance is his name. I still can’t program into the VCR all the channels I want to record. I guess there’s a certain cable I need for that. Lance mentioned giving me one he didn’t need. Maybe he forgot or hasn’t had time. Or maybe he isn’t bothering cuz I turned his “movie offer” down.

I want to wait a little while before visiting Rosemarie again. I don’t know exactly how long, but although they said their place is always open to me, I do not wish to wear out my welcome. I’d also like to see if they come over here. I’m still so shocked at how friendly and open they are. They also said they were glad I was open about being gay. They really seemed to like my personality and were very into discussing my music and all about me. Every time I asked them about themselves, they’d say they were boring and had nothing to say about themselves, then ask about me.

Later...

There’s gonna be a good movie tonight I’ll want to see, but I’m sure I’ll be interrupted. I can’t record it yet. I’ll ask Andy what he thinks about that and what I should do.

Monday, July 27, 1992

 

I just got back from the pool once again, and Donna was there. My God, I never really realized just what a sick little bitch she is! A very sad and sorry little puppy hiding behind a mask of glory. Why is it that whenever someone else’s life is going shitty, or you’re not what they want you to be, they pretend they’re on cloud 9, contradict all they’ve said and cut you down?

Donna said, “I have lots of friends, everything’s going so great, my husband got a raise, we got a new car, and no friends have ever dumped me like that.” That’s ironic cuz when all was well between us, she told me she hardly has any friends cuz she gets dumped so much. I think she’s just being so vindictive cuz I dumped her when she wanted to be friends.

She was telling me I can’t handle things right and I get upset over stupid things yet there she is freaking out all hysterically. Everyone was looking at her like she was crazy. She told me she got all mad due to the fact that I think she’s pretty. Even fought with her husband about it. Now is that ridiculous or what? Who the hell fights over someone that tells them they’re pretty? What a totally melodramatic waste of time, anger and energy! I mean, come on, grow up! I never realized she was that judgmental and such a backstabber and I am never gladder that I dumped her. I never realized how unstable she is and I meant it when I said all the pretty ones are snobs. She’s got her mind set on what I’m all about and she’s so sure she’s got me all figured out. She says I don’t have a lot of friends and I told her she’s damn right as there are so many contradicting assholes like herself. I cannot believe just how paranoid she is. She can go on thinking she’s wonderful, but as far as I’m concerned, I have no room in my life for people like her.

Fay gave me a poster of unicorns to color and I’m gonna give her a word find puzzle book. I’ve really gotten to like her and enjoy our talks.

I’m also tempted to visit Rosemarie but after dealing with people like Donna, it makes me wonder once again if I’m not better off just minding my own business. I don’t know what to do. It’s all so asinine and stupid. I’m so sick of people but I guess I can do what I did to Donna if I need to. If I ever meet anyone who turns out no good, I’ll just dump them. Including anyone I currently know. The most shocking thing isn’t the low blows someone can give you as I am very well used to that. What’s shocking is how quickly someone can change from one extreme to another.

Later...

I just helped Fay fill out a 19-page form. It’s information on her son James, herself and her family for a therapist. I feel for those who are slow and have learning disabilities like she does. Life isn’t fair for all those who have so many ordinary things they’d like to do, other than being a singer, yet they’ll never be able to. And then there’s me, a quick learner with the abilities, but who doesn’t want to be anything other than a singer. Either way, I told her to never hesitate to ask for help with something if she needs it. It made me feel good to be able to help her.

Tuesday, July 28, 1992

 

I am watching Candid Camera now and next is Night Talk with Jane Whitney.

On this talk show, there are “lipstick lesbians” on now. I’ve seen this before.

Earlier I did stop up to see Rosemarie but Rick answered the door saying she was asleep. I would’ve loved to go climb into her bed and join her, but instead, I just told Rick I’ll see them some other time.

Andy and I went to the grocery store where he bought us TV dinners. He also got me some milk, lent me a roll of toilet paper, and brought us some popcorn which we had while we played Crazy 8’s. I’m glad we’re finally playing Crazy 8’s after about 15 years. I wonder what took us so long to get back into it as it really is a lot of fun.

It’s almost 1:30 now so I should really try to get to bed soon. I’m gonna go listen to my music first which I haven’t done all day.

Later...

I got up at 10:30 and then at noon I went to the pool. Andy was there and then he came over and gave me $40 which I gave to Mark & Lance for his pot.

Fay came over too, and she brushed my hair out for me. It looks much better now that I’ve washed and conditioned it. It was all matted down and tangled from the pool. Fay said she’d brush my hair whenever I needed it.

Fay and I played a game of concentration and she said she’d stop by tonight at 7:00. At 8:00, there’s the conclusion of a really good movie I want to see. It’s based on a true story about 4 guys who killed an Indian girl. All the shows are on an hour earlier here. The news is on at 10:00, rather than 11:00. Movies run from 8:00-10:00, rather than 9:00-11:00.

Later...

In an hour I’m going over to Andy’s as we’re both having T-bone steaks. Those are good and I’m starving.

I hope all goes well tomorrow at welfare. And quickly, too. You spend 95% of the time waiting and waiting and waiting. The food bank I need a letter for closes at 3:00 and I hope I don’t have to fill out the form all over again. It’s a long form and they already have all the information they need.

I will not be getting an SSI check anymore. This state has no cash supplement which means my monthly income will be $426. That’s ridiculous. It totally sucks. How do people live that don’t have parents sending them $50 a month?

On the 3rd, I’ll need to go pay my electric bill and my direct deposit better be here. I don’t want to have to stop at the bank for them to get my check from CT. I’ll also have to notify Tammy to close out my account as soon as my SS check comes to my bank here. I’ll also need to call Access and find out why they haven’t mailed me my Medicaid card. I try calling, but it’s always busy.

My main concern is getting my food stamps and seeing how that goes and my electric bill and my overall situation financially. Last month my electric bill was $65 and I need to be sure it doesn’t fluctuate drastically here and there. If it stays around $65, then I can get a phone with Mom’s extra $50. I can’t tell her if I do get a phone, though, as she said she wouldn’t pay the $50 if I do. I know why she really wants me not to get a phone. I wasn’t born yesterday or the day before, but that’s OK.

After Andy returns I’ll take the TAP form to my Doctor.

Mom sent a roll of film which we’ll do up when Andy returns, so she’ll have more to complain about. First, it was my clothes and now it’s the way I pose in pictures. I guess posing in 3 out of the 12 pictures in a really happy, goofy mood is a crime and the end of the world to her. Is this personal or something? Like is she jealous? Sure makes me wonder at times!

Fay wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes from me and I knocked on her door before, but she wasn’t there. At 7:00 I’m gonna have to leave her a note as I’ll be at Andy’s. They both know I’ll be watching the movie tonight but I hope no one else knocks on my door.

Guess there’s not going to be any friendship with Rosemarie. Why is it always me that has to do the approaching, visiting and seeking out of others anyway? I visited them 3 times. Now let’s see them come to me.

All I get is junk mail lately. When am I gonna get some letters? I haven’t heard from anyone. I drew Tammy’s friend Karen a cat. I told her I would a few months ago and it came out nice.

Later...

Soon, I’ll be taking a walk to Andy’s.

I just saw Fay walking her mother’s dog and she said her aunt has a cage full of guinea pigs. I miss having pets. I gave her a pack of smokes and I’ll stop by for a while later.

I guess I’ll go over Andy’s now as I’d like to use his phone.

Thursday, July 30, 1992

 

I’m watching Candid Camera now waiting for my talk show to come on.

Well, today was another good day but it sure was hot and frustrating waiting forever at welfare to fill out a stupid form, get a date, and a letter for the food bank. They gave me a lot of really good stuff at the food bank. More than the churches.

I think I’ll have to go for an appointment on the 3rd. Mark said he’ll take me. I gave him 4 more loaves of bread. Now he’s got bread for months and I have 4 or 5 loaves in my freezer. I sure hope they mail me my food stamps before I run out of the food I got today.

I have other things to write about like Jake, a friend of Fay’s who’s bi. Andy liked his body and his hair but says his face looks devilish. They talked for a long time but there were things about him Andy didn’t like. Otherwise, Andy said he was very interesting and very open. Jake is only into casuals and Andy wants more than that, so it’s all up in the air pretty much. If they can be friends, that’s cool.

There was an awesome storm with neat lightning, thunder, rain and gusty winds at 45 MPH. Mark and I were enjoying it outside our doors as I was sprinkling my unwanted pinto beans in the gravel.

Two missionaries came here looking for Robert upstairs. He was there as I could hear him walking around up there. He didn’t answer his door, though, and Mark and I were busting the missionaries, saying he was an escaped convict profiled on Unsolved Mysteries. Mark told them to put a bulletproof vest on as he’s a psycho man who was in the war.

Around 9:30, I went over to Andy’s and I tried calling Fran but there was no answer. We called Nervous instead and I taped him. We were on the phone till almost 11:00 and I billed the call to Bob.

Jake was telling me I have beautiful legs and a beautiful body.

Ha! My legs are my worse feature, besides my teeth.

He also says in time he could find me a feminine woman for sex here and there. Oh, sure. I don’t want any more good-looking people in my life. I don’t want anything to do with Rosemarie either.

On this talk show, a comment which I’ve heard before got me cracking up. This applies to gays and straights and people looking for one-nighters as well as commitment. That when you’re not looking is when you meet someone. Really? Well, I haven’t been looking and I’ve had only two one-nighters since early 1991 after me and Brenda split up. This is why when it comes to sex, relationships, and careers, I don’t think a negative or positive attitude is relevant. If you think positive about something or someone you really want and bust your ass trying for it, it’s not gonna happen if it ain’t meant to be. We do not make our rules to a degree. God or whatever’s up there does. There are only certain things we can control. We can dump or keep our friends. But who we can and cannot get as friends is beyond our control. We can choose what we eat, what we wear and things like that.

Well, now I choose to go listen to music. After that, I choose to be in bed with an attractive woman and be a professional singer, but God won’t allow that. Maybe in the year 2000. The singer, in the next life.

I began editing Nerv from tonight’s convo. It’s pretty funny as usual.

Later...

I fell asleep around 4 AM last night, and boy was I pissed at 7:45 when I awoke to loud knocking. I thought it was my door, but it was Mark’s friend Lance knocking on his door. I was over there getting Andy more pot and I told him I was royally pissed at being woken up, that I ain’t up that early, so knock softly or on Mark’s bedroom window. I think for the rest of my life I’ll be woken up 1-3 times a week. It just isn’t destined for me to wake up when I want to. Well, it beats being woken up 24/7 in the old project. And never hearing yourself think till midnight-7 AM.

Where is UPS with my packages? Where are my pictures Ma’s supposed to send back? She better send back all 12, too. When are Tammy and Lisa gonna write? She told me a few weeks ago she had letters coming out, so what’s taking so long?

I can’t wait for the rest of my picture collection (of celebs). It’s been two months and a week.

Later...

I just went out to mail a letter to Jayke. The one we worked with at Denny’s in Chicopee. I wrote this letter for Andy when I first got here before I got my own place. He lost her address and he waited for her to write to him and she just did.

On my way back from the mailbox, I saw Albert, Donna’s husband and he said hi. I said hi too, and kept on walking.

I’m gonna be eating dinner at Andy’s at 7 PM. He bought chicken and I supplied the potatoes. He’s very obnoxious to eat with, though. He makes these gross slurping and smacking sounds and it’s pretty impossible to not hear it, even from across the room.

He gave me another tape he no longer wants, so I’ll use it as a blank. I just threw in a CD of Linda’s.

Later...

I’m copying some tapes for Andy and there’s not really much more to say. Only that Fay and I may bring Andy to the airport. Then, on the 3rd when I’ve got to pay SRP and go to welfare and to the store, she may take me.

I went into the Jacuzzi a little while ago. Rick came out on his patio and we said hello to each other. I went up and knocked on their door and no one answered. I said to myself, OK, I’m outa here. They’ve never made any attempts to see me so that pretty much tells me something.

I don’t know what could be going on in their lives and yes, they did seem friendly before, but now I feel like something’s up. Like something’s telling me to just stay away and that it wouldn’t be a wise idea to waste my time with these people.

Andy and Fay are enough for now. Both Andy and I really like Fay. I’ve simply taken so much shit from people and especially the really good-looking people. Rosemarie is a perfect 10 and I swore I’d just hang out with average or below-average-looking people. Also, low-income people.

Well, I just lit my cigarette off the stove. My lighter conked out and I ran out of matches. Nervous quit smoking 8 weeks ago. That’s pretty good but he’s miserable on a daily basis with urges to smoke. Poor guy. But he was getting the beginnings of emphysema.

Later...

Well, I just went to make a collect call to Debbie in Oakwood Knoll and she got her number changed to a non-published one. Barbara never answered. I’m sure they unplug their phone at night. They’re probably thinking, gee she’s all the way in Phoenix and she’s still bothering us! She’s not here to be woken up by us, but she’s gonna wake us up for sure if we don’t unplug our phone at night. A few days ago, I was making collect calls to them and Debbie said my name. I was cracking up afterward.

With my luck, though, they called Tammy or Mary Jane and then Mary Jane called Tammy. If so, Tammy would just say what the fuck do you want me to do about it? But Mary Jane knows how I, Tammy and the rest of my family feel about her and Oakwood Knoll so I think she’d be hesitant to bother. The same goes for Barbara and other tenants. They really drove me up the damn wall there.

Andy will no doubt get a kick out of learning about the new non-published number and about Barbara having to unplug her phone at night. Whenever I call after 10:30 at night there’s no answer and I know they’re there. I’m sure they can’t afford to change their number so they’re willing to deal with it in the daytime. At night they must unplug their phone so as not to be woken up. Meanwhile, they can’t wake me up.

I really must start writing some letters. I need to write to my niece, Tammy and my parents. I will send that cat I drew to Tammy to give to Karen. It came out well. Better than I expected. I have Tammy’s birthday card and my parents’ anniversary card. Next Monday I’ll mail my parent’s card.

What’s taking them so long to send the pictures Andy took? Maybe she’s waiting to show them to Tammy after all. I know she will be there through August 1st – 8th, but when the exact date is they leave and return, beats me. I’m not even sure if they’re driving or flying. I think they’re gonna fly. If Mom does have those pictures when Tammy, Bill and the girls are there, they can all rank on them together. Why is it taking her so long to ship me the rest of my stuff? In a letter to me, she said she’d be shipping them out ASAP. Over the phone, she said it’d take months. She wants me to believe she hasn’t got the money to ship everything at once.

When Andy’s tapes are through, I’m gonna take a walk over with them to his place.

Rosemarie said her birthday is August 6th and I have all those cards ma sent. Half of me says to give her one, but the other half says it wouldn’t look right. Is it a dumb idea? I certainly wouldn’t tell her my mom sent me tons of all kinds of cards, so she’d assume I bought it. But why go out and buy a card for someone you don’t really even know? I think I’ll just go and wish her a happy birthday.

I think I’ll watch Hard Copy and A Current Affair instead. I haven’t seen them all that much lately and I believe Andy has to work tomorrow. If so, he’s gone to bed or is going to bed very soon. Of course, I’ll also watch Candid Camera and the Jane Whitney talk show.

Why are there so many fucking crickets in here? I know they’re harmless, but they sure as hell are annoying. They jump out at you unexpectedly and really make a racket. Current Location: Arizona

[navree]

imma be real with you...being a latchkey kid was the highlight of my 90s childhood. video rentals after school, maybe riding bikes around the neighborhood park, inviting schoolmates or neighbor kids over to play videogames until the parents came home and the streetlights went on. was it lonely? occasionally, but it was never THAT BAD™️ to the point of leaving me moping in a corner. hate to sound like a boomer...but kids today are soft.

Like, the thing is, I'm not a millennial, but I'm definitely on the older side of Gen Z by being born in early 1999, and this trend of "latchkey kid" stuff is BAFFLING to me. Like, parentification and child neglect are real things, with real and negative impacts on the children involved, but that's not what people are talking about half the time; they're literally just talking about being left alone on occasion. And it feels like a lot of it comes from two places: 1) from people who didn't actually have two parents who worked and so view the idea that sometimes kids are left alone or with babysitters as akin to child abuse (I made mention of this with one of my complaint about Tim Drake fans wanting his parents to be abusive because they went on business trips for work, y'all clearly had stay at home parents because otherwise that concept would not be shocking) or 2) from people who, I'm sorry, want to feel more put upon than they actually were either because they want to be more interesting or because they feel aggrieved and are grasping for a legitimate reason for it. Maybe I'm mean and crochety but you were not, in fact, criminally treated because sometimes your parents weren't around. My dad went on months long business trips for work when I was a kid, he missed multiple birthdays of mine, my parents both working meant that a lot of times during summers my sister and I were put under the care of babysitters until I was twelve and deemed old enough to be in charge and we were thus left alone. And that was occasionally an issue, because it wasn't nice to have a parent miss a birthday or sometimes the babysitter was definitely not a right fit (we still make jokes about a sitter my sister absolutely hated) or situations arose where an adult was needed (like my sister locking herself in our bathroom by accident, where the lack of readily available adults meant I ended up calling 911 about it, it's a story my parents love me to tell and did result in some rule changes in our house regarding when doors are allowed to be locked and when you should be calling emergency services vs just leaving a message for mom). But it didn't mentally scar me or make me feel abused. The only material consequence it left me with was that by high school I was coming home first cuz my school was within walking distance from my house and therefore I was the first one returning to our dog who had been bereft of human companionship for the day and it made me his favorite for a time.

I also feel like a lot of this also comes from a recent need to pathologize everything. It's something I've noticed with that fucking eldest daughter shit people do, where there's a legitimate idea at the root of it (ie that the eldest child does have to put up with more stuff than younger siblings and if that child is a daughter that gets compounded with societal misogyny and the expectations placed on women and girls and their roles) then balloons outward into this thing where every eldest daughter on the planet has suddenly suffered more than Jesus. And again, as an Eldest Daughter, I am intimately aware of how my being the first born influenced my upbringing; I was far more harshly treated than my sister because my parents didn't know while raising me what was normal behavior for my age vs what was behavior that was unacceptable, whereas they had a baseline for when she reached similar milestones. But it's not something that's left me rocking back and forth and in need of psychiatric care, any more than being left alone did. And with latchkey kid stuff, it's doubly stupid because it really feels like it comes from a position of privilege. Most families need dual income, most families need both parents to be working, and as such that means that sometimes most families are going to need to rely on childcare or, eventually, leaving the kid in charge of themselves for some afternoons. And most kids understand that, the reason I find this shit stupid is because I'm aware of the fact that my parents not being around sometimes was due to the fact that they were doing their jobs, so that we could all live, because that's how the world works especially when you have children and are thus responsible for them as well as yourself. But now everything needs to be some Big Deep Issue, so the fact that a two parent household will involve two parents who either need to work or honestly want to work (don't think I'm not missing that a lot of this stuff completely ignores that mothers should be entirely able to return to the workforce and have their own independent lives outside of being wives and mothers, cuz I see it) is now a harmful thing to do to one's children. Completely ignoring, of course, the lived experience of people over the age of 20 who were "latchkey kids" and were completely fine with it, or even view those early moments of freedom as fundamental happy memories and part of their journey into becoming their own person.

[i-like-strawb]

vent

you have been warned

okay, i genuinely feel like such a shitty person because i cant keep in touch with my friends over long distance, like i will forget to anwer then 3 hours later i dont know what to say so i just respond with "ok" and it makes me feel so bad

and then theres also the fact that whenever me and my ex bf broke up it was getting toxic like REALLY toxic he has screamed at my best friend multiple times and he freaked out cuz i didnt answer my phone for 1 hour (i was at a birthday party and i was talking about it so he knew) and hes just done some shit to me and my friends that i didnt like,

but anyways we were still friends....(for like 2 days) and near the time we broke up he had discovered he liked fem clothes (a femboy, and no i dont have anything against them, you do you as long as ur not hurting anyone) and whenever we broke it off i wasnt really thinking right at the time and he sent me stuff i didnt want to see (like him in a skirt saying "first time going out today!1!1!") and i didnt want to see it

so. i told him i didnt care and a day later he said "thanks for letting me know we arent friends" and i blocked him, on EVERYTHING, capcut? blocked. pinterest? blocked. iMessages? blocked. and i feel like such a bad person for doing that...he didnt deserve it and i got discord and im in a server with him and now i feel like i want to throw up all over again but whenever i first left him i felt really happy...

i tried forcing myself into a idgaf personality but that backfired. big time and now that i dont have a boyfriend ive just been keeping all of my emotions in (i kinda was before but not as bad y'know?) and now i dont know what to do about it so i just stay up until 3am everyday on my computer to forget it all

and my parents arent quite strict but overbearing...my dad has a weird habit of picking at what i eat and it makes me feel really bad and they also expect me to be the "perfect daughter" when i have told them i am trans and that i am struggling (when i came out my dad said "i am not respecting you" to my face. ouch.) and whenever they found out abt my sh they, instead of looking into the problem, threatened to take everything from me

and they have always put the pressure on with school. i feel like i must be perfect or else i wont have freedom, and my dad is unnecissarily (?) loud, like ive asked him to tone it down and says "NOPE" every single time and it makes my head hurt (it also doesnt help that i have noise sensitivity issues) and he just denies everything and it hurts so much....

one day ill be able to get along with him just fine, the next day im looking at a pair of scissors a little too much because of him and i dont know what i can do anymore and my mom laughed in my face when i said i thought i was autistic and whenever i was at a really low point to suggest being put in a mental hospital

and what sucks is that i never realized most of my habits were weird until my ex pointed them out (ex: i have a really bad stutter). and ever since the moment i went to school im always in some kind of toxic relationship and i never realized that until a month ago

and with the staying up till 3? oh yeah real good. im tired and anxious 24/7 i feel like shit, and i dont want to say this to anybody because i dont want to bother them and i feel like they dont and wont care about it, just like some of my hyperfixations, like i will genuinely be excited about something and i tell it to someone and they couldnt give two fucks. again. ouch

and also i get yelled at because im very socially awkward and i cant really express some feelings outwardly, like i really love your present but i dont know how to express it so i need a minute to figure it out and then i get yelled at or the "you are so ungreatful" speech and nobody bothers to try and understand

and then there is how much i loathe myself, i hate that i was born like this, i hate how easy it is for me to get acne, i hate my nose and my mouth, my face shape, my body shape, my smile, my high voice, my femme looking features, i hate the fact i was born as a girl, i hate it all so much, the only thing i love is my hair color and eyes those are the only two pretty things about me

and i hate my personality so much too, i cant describe it but i hate myself a lot and the only comfort im able to get are my stuffies, the internet and a blanket fort where i can escape from everything and the terrible headaches i get, im so tired

i also have big anxiety issues, i overthink a lot even a "hi how are you" is too much for me like what if they find it weird, wait what if they dont like me, am i being too much and its a lot of thoughts to handle all at one time and i havent been able to regress lately (6 months) and that is the only way i really know how to cope

and what i mean by havent been able to is that i dont have a lot of stuff, ive been too tired to and i dont have a cg/somebody i think that actually cares enough and since im almost done with middle school im kinda scared, i dont know why but i am

bottom line, i feel like a shit person and that i have let everybody down, i desperately need sleep, and i have a shit ton of repressed feelings/emotions and they are all resurfacing and i cannot handle it, sorry for bothering you all and have a good day/night :)

[choshasan]

random rant caused by a dumb argument with my mother last night ✨️

I never liked generation wars and shitting on other generations and bashing them, because stereotyping a generation on just it's bad people is dumb as fuck,

But istg, Gen X is the only generation I've personaly encountered that like..

One person, or one person and their imediate friend group, does [x] and then you tell them, heyy.. uhm.. y'know.. that's.. pretty fucking rude, right? And they be like

NO. Everyone does that! You should change your mindset and go out more if you don't notice everyone does that!

Like????

I literally had a horrible argument with my mother last night cuz we stopped at a drive through and she started off with "you're gonna give me" (in french "Tu vas m'donner") and I told her "hey. You're not gonna talk to the worker like that, she's a human not your bitch, and that's rude as fuck, we don't talk to people like that, that ain't how you fucking raised me." And she went on this entire rant about how everyone talks like that and how that's fully acceptable to talk to workers like that and it's not rude and if I can't see that everyone talks like that, then I need to get out of the house more. And just so much more nonsencical Shit and like ?!?!?!

Bitch what??

Literally, 1. You work custommer service, I KNOW you don't got people talking to u like that all day, cuz I can hear them talking to u on the phone and the vast majority of them are super fucking polite.

And 2. I GO OUT MORE OFTEN THAT THIS BITCH BRUH!! Like, she goes out once or twice a week, to buy groceries and shit, and then she be like i KnOw hOw ThE wOrLd Is BeCaUsE i HaD a LiFe In ThE '70s AnD '80's

Like gurl- wake the fuck up. It's not socailly acceptable anymore to call women "skirts" and smoke indoors and smack ur waitress on the ass cuz she's cute or whatever. Y'all just old, entitled as fuck, and reffuse to let go of the past.

And like, I know it's not all Gen X, cuz most of the people I know's parents are Gen X, and they're such kind and accepting people who accept the changing of times and recognise that someday, the world will be left to the younger generations, so they gotta addapt to them and make the world a better place for them,

But jesus fuck the entitled Gen X who act like it's the fucking 40's - 60's still in the fucking 2000s, like?! You've had 40+ years to addapt bruh, where'd your brain fucking stop??? I know change is scarry and you won't always understand the younger generations and the weird shit we do, but remember, you guys did weird shit too when you were young, and your parents were assholes about it, and you resented them for not understanding you.. like?? Remember Queen?? They had a whole music video where they cross dressed. Remember the beasty boys?? Who did satirical rap-rock?? Remember twisted sister?? Kiss?? And all those other bands??

And most importantly, remember how you were taught basic human respect?? Remember that first retail job you really didn't like when you had rude clients but you didn't have a choice to put up with them because you needed the job?? Or maybe even you chewed them out and kicked theor asses cuz you didn't care, you could just get another job??

Lets not make others lives a hell for no reason, kay? Lets be kind and polite to eachother, cuz seeing grown ass adults be more impolite than a toddler is legit embarassing bruh- 💀

And god knows how much y'all care 'bout appearances 💀