#i guess. i wouldn't call it a disorder just yet

[choose-your-own-dentistry]

> go to the dentist

> gums hurt afterwards

> eat to distract self from the pain

> gums hurt more

> mfw my main comfort strategy doesn't work anymore

[vi-trying-to-survive]

Couldn't Sleep

Anthony Lockwood x f!Reader

Warnings: None, its mostly fluff with a little angst 💖💖💖

Summary: Y/N couldn't go to sleep so she goes down to the kitchen hoping to find something to lull her to sleep but who else would she find other than Lockwood himself 💖💖💖

A/N: I really hope you guys like it, for some reason this was a little harder :') 💖💖💖 Also sorry if the updates are slow :') 💖💖💖

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Sometime she hated her job. The long hours, the working at night and the chance that she might die every night. Fortunately for Y/N this was not one of those nights, yet she still turned over in her sheets for the fiftieth time. She tossed the blanket off into a crumpled heap on the floor and stumbled as she made her way down the stairs. She blinked in confusion at the yellow glow that painted the walls of the hallway.

“Hello”, he grinned, tilting his head up to look at her. The mug next to him had gone cold far too long ago but he took a sip out of it, grimacing at the chill that it brought.

Her lips curled up at him, “Hi”. Wrapping her fingers around the warm silver handle, she poured out a mug of tea for herself. Taking a deep breath in she sighed, bergamot, lemon and lavender.

"Couldn't sleep ?", he asked.

"Mmm", she took a careful sip from the edge of the mug. Watching him closely, she noticed the dark circles under his eyes, the papers scattered haphazardly around the table. He seemed to be yawning every few minutes. "Did you even try to go to sleep ?", she wondered out loud.

He ran a hand through his hair, the ends sticking up in a disordered manner, "I um- I- Er no".

"Lockwood", she groaned. She brought a hand to rest on her hip, giving him a pointed look.

He turned his eyes back to the papers, shuffling them around unconsciously, muttering to himself, "Money is really tight right now, and I really need this job to pull through".

"I know but we need you at your best", she sighed, taking the seat next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder, "And you need to rest to do that".

"Yes but-", he began, a half-hearted attempt, even he knew it.

She retorted, "But what".

He pushed the chair back, standing up as he paced in a circle, "I just- I need- We need this". He stuck his head into his hands, throwing himself back into his seat.

She bit her lip, it wasn't her intention to overwhelm him, but she worried, she couldn't help it. "I know, but I- I need you", she whispered, so softly, threading her fingers with his, tracing shapes with her thumb. His head rose, sharing a smile with her. Not his signature smirk, something more genuine, and a warmth bloomed in her chest.

"So, don't go dying on me, alright", she laughed, pulling him to his feet and leading him up the stairs.

He chuckled, "Alright", the messy, out-of-place papers and mugs of cold tea long-forgotten.

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She stood slightly out of his door, with just the smallest part of her foot in the room, eyeing him as he leaned on the doorway. They were practically centimetres apart but he didn't seem to notice, so she pressed her lips together, "Alright, I guess I'll see you in the morning then".

She was almost at the edge of the stairs, when he called out, careful not to be too loud in fear that he would wake the others, "Wait I- Will you stay with me".

"Um, sure", she shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly, but her heart pounded in her chest. She could only hope he wouldn't notice.

They lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, a respectable distance between them. She drummed her fingers against the blanket, feeling very awake now and unsure as to what to say or do now. Her thoughts were soon interrupted, "You can come closer you know ?".

"Oh- sorry", she wasn't able to stop the heat that rose to her face, they moved closer to the point where they were almost tangled in each other.

He turned to look at her, "Y/N ?"

"Mmm ?", she nodded, adamant not to look at him, but the feeling of his eyes on her became too much to bear. She twisted herself to face him and she was only too aware of how close they were.

He glanced up at the ceiling, before bringing his eyes to hers again. Letting out a breath, he placed his hand over hers, "Thank you, for-".

"Always", she smiled, finally feeling the pull of sleep and she closed her eyes contented.

[thevalleyoftriumph]

Helloo o/ I'm the anon from earlier who sent you many many questions about your system chosen Very glad that my ask wasn't overwhelming because I approach with yet more questions >:] get ready Does Dark know Chosen is a system? Or a part of a system? Unsure of the correct way to call it. What does he think of each of them if yes? I can see Dark talking excitedly about a shared interest with Killer, Dark loves Chosen dearly but its. Difficult. To get a bit of emotion out of him. Killer though? Once they feel comfortable around him I can see them allowing themselves to become more expressive/ easily excited "Beast had sorta filed them away as one of the very few ""trustworthy"" sticks" <- quote from the answer you gave to my first ask. I'm guessing Dark was also in this list yes? Beast was co-conscious during AVA3 if i remember correctly and so saw Dark was willing to help and defend. Even if Beast didn't trust them 100% it didn't think of them as a threat right? Maybe even considered him an ally And if yes, Dark was on the Trustworthy list, what about the virabot thing made Beast decide "Hmmm no he's an enemy actually"? I wonder how Killer unmasking around Dark for the first time went, and whether that's how Dark found out his brother is a system Has Killer ever jumped 10ft in the air because they were startled by the toaster? And if yes, how long did it take for Dark to stop laughing Has Beast ever come out mid spar? Realises they're mid combat so rushes out to protect and- And Dark realises he's not fighting who he was before, Chosen doesn't look at him with infinite distrust. Killer doesn't stand both ready for combat and to flee at a moments notice (Beast wouldn't flee, but despite that, I think its always ready to). Dark just backs away slowly I think, lowering his hands and doing everything possible to communicate he's not a threat. This allows Beast a bit of extra time to take in what's around, just incase its missed something in its initial assessment and. And they're both wearing handwraps, Dark's taken their bracelet off and whoever was here before Beast tied their jacket round their waist. Beast doesn't need to protect here, but it does now need to apologise I'm guessing Beast remembers it can speak while fronting from time to time right? Even if it feels Odd. I've got the mental image of Dark cooking something for himself, except Beast ALSO likes it alot alot and Dark just hears "Please." from behind him. Turns around to see Beast staring at him like its trying to beam the thought directly into Darks mind. They understand, and Dark maybe even gets a "Thank You" after the foods made. Idk, I like small things like that, if Dark doesn't know Chosen's a system then its just a small couple What-If's or What-Could-Have-Been's Also, what is a Singlet? I cant remember where you used the word but I am unfamiliar with it Also also, VERY happy that my terminology is correct, that whole ask I was terrified that I was aggressively wrong about something and was going to end up being incredibly rude Also ALSO also, I am giving Beast a mug of hot chocolate and a weighted blanket. It deserves to relax Breaking this up into more than one ask because tumblr is angry with me

WOW. HI!!!! OH MY GOD. HELLO. you are literally the most bestest person ever for being so curious and allowing me to speak so much WOW okay let me break all this down.

putting everything once more under a cut, but a breakdown here is i FIRST go through unrelated things such as helping a bit with your confusion on terms and meanings, before getting into the actual AVA stuff, so if anyone wants to skip that, there Is gonna be a linebreak ^_^ a lot of it is just definition talk so its probably boring if you already know this stuff lol. if youve come just for the headcanon, feel free to skip down to it! <3

FIRST ! since you were a bit confused, i would like to say; DID specifically stands for "Dissociative Identity Disorder." It is probably the most well known of the disorders that would constitute as being a "system" disorder, if you will. In the past it has been referred to by other things such as MPD, or multiple personality disorder, but that is since considered inaccurate and incredibly out of date.

OSDD, or Other Specified Dissociative Disorder, is another dissociative disorder as the name implies. In one specific case, is similar to DID in that a major symptom is the forming of distinctive parts - or alters - but has enough differences that it's been classified as it's own thing [though iirc, some professionals are debating if the distinction is necessary? Honestly I'm not a psychologist so I can't really comment on that part, but I felt it was worth noting that this was brought up once or twice.]

The distinction here is this; DID is usually diagnosed when there are at Least two distinct "parts" to a person, often being two [or more] entirely seperate people, and is paired with amnesia. This is not at all everything to do with the disorder, as it's a massively complex disorder with plenty of symptoms, but it is this specific symptom set in its most basic explanation. OSDD however can vary! OSDD-1 is specifically defined by wikipedia as when one is experiencing a "sub thresh-hold" to DID. There's way more "types" to OSDD, and as such I am not nearly equipped enough to talk about 2-4, but chances are if you're speaking to a system who has it, they will usually have either OSDD-1A, or -1B. These two aren't technically real diagnostic terms, they're moreso used to describe a set of symptoms. 1A is defined as having less disticnt alters than DID or 1B. 1B is specified by a lack of complete blackouts, aka amnesia, though they may instead experience grayouts and emotional amnesia. To be fair in at least my case specifically, grayouts are pretty common rrrregardless? But honestly that might just be a My Own Thing issue and a case of overlapping symptoms than anything else, so don't take my word for it entirely lol I get complete blackouts and grayouts and its soooo miserable helppp [I'm being lighthearted in tone on purpose you're allowed to laugh ^_^ /gen]

Lastly, the term "singlet" is an unofficial term that a lot of systems online use to refer to people who do not have alters. I'm like 99.9% sure it's like, never used in a professional setting, but I'm also Not a psychologist, again, so I have no clue if it's ever used offline. It's not anything negative, just a descriptor term the same way many other descriptor terms are used :]

Okay that's about it for explaining things. If anything else confuses you for any reason please don't be afraid to ask! And if you wanna look into it yourself, all I'll say is use literally anything OTHER than social media for research, there's a crazy amount of misinfo, especially on Tumblr or Tiktok.

Onto the questions and scenarios -- for questions, I will once again copypaste and bold them. For scenarios, I'll probably end up putting in a screenshot [with IDs, don't worry] for clarities sake.

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1: Does Dark know Chosen is a system? Or a part of a system? Unsure of the correct way to call it. What does he think of each of them if yes?

For a very long time, Dark had NO idea Chosen was part of a system. [And either descriptors work, I honestly use both depending on which sounds less clunky at the time lol].

Dark had just assumed Chosen had some odd "quirks" here and there for ages, and didn't really push too hard whenever "Chosen" ended up getting really quiet, or more jumpy. I def agree with your HC that Dark probably doesn't have very many interactions [if any at all] with sticks outside of Chosen, so at most he just assumes this is normal.

Of course eventually, they do end up telling him - it takes a lot of effort on their part to build up the courage to do it and not immediately chicken out, because this is a Pretty Personal Thing after all, but like. Dark takes it so much better than they were expecting? And he's also very open to accomodating the other two with very little issue. Even if it takes time for Killer [and even Beast] to relax enough around him, and even if he does still have some trouble telling who's-who at first, he does try his best. At the end of the day, the three are his family, and he DOES care about them.

While we already know [or can at least infer] what he feels about Chosen, he does have different thoughts about the other two. You're 100% right this part specifically:

Dark and Killer do have quite a bit of overlapping interests, they realize once they get to talking to each other! They honestly bounce off each other scarily well, and are the type of people to start a stupid bit as a joke and just keep adding onto it for like, twenty minutes. For the most part, Dark's perception of Killer is positive! He's also gotten a bit into the habit of being A Bit Obviously Noisy around the house once realizing Killer's issue with being snuck up on or surprised - previously, Dark was unintentionally VERY quiet. He's naturally sorta light on his feet, lacking footsteps most of the time, and ends up startling most people. After both a discussion and accidental event, he starts trying to be more purposefully loud in their home, especially if he's somewhere Killer can't see, or has to be behind them for one reason or another. Nothing anything TOO loud - no slamming doors or footsteps, no yelling, just casual noise. Jewelry that clacks together or just humming a song.

With Beast, he's more cautious. He understands its purpose, and why it's there, and for the most part, Dark doesn't really.... saying he doesn't mind makes it seem like something it's not but honestly I can't find a better way to word it. He doesn't mind its staring or its lack of speaking, and I'm also gonna pull up another part you said because honestly while I initially wanted Beast to be 100% quiet I'm a massive fan of this little scenario and so I'm adopting it into my worldview immediately;

So yeah Dark is like, completely on board with Beast's more odd traits, once it actually is able to relax for once. I'd say Beast is probably the one Dark knows the least just by way of it rarely ever fronting outside of the more dire circumstances. He knows enough from what he can piece together from his own memories of it, plus any resulting messages from Chosen and Killer depending on how much they know about it at that point in time. However, if asked personally and privately, Dark would express a bit of sympathy, maybe worry for Beast. He understands what it's like to be seen as a sort of... villainous person - not to the severity that Beast had been treated, but he can sympathize. And while he leans into it, he knows that it's the last thing Beast - or Chosen and Killer for that matter - would want for themselves. He sometimes wishes he could do more to help it, but often refrains from trying, knowing that any pushing could absolutely do more harm than good at this point, no matter how much he wants to try. It's a tricky situation, and it's a very unsteady trust they have, and he's not willing to rock the boat too hard and end up hurting the three. As I love to say about my favorite antagonist characters; he's a villain, not a monster, he's got standards lol

1.5: Assuming Dark DOESNT know Chosen is/ is apart of a system (still don't know the correct way to call it), how does he react to switches? Or Killer and Beast in general?

Switches, in general, are meant to be pretty covert of a thing. If all goes right, no one should be able to tell, at the very least not right away, that a switch occured. Thus, before Dark learned about everything, a few little things did tip him off as to something being a bit.. off with "Chosen." He'd notice a lot of forgetfulness of things that happened literally yesterday, or sudden preferences doing a complete 180 into something else, or, like you mentioned, complete silence all of a sudden. If it's a big enough and sudden enough change then he would definitely notice how odd it is and just kinda file it away for later, thinking "oh that was really strange, maybe I should ask about that?"

Yeah honestly all of this is pretty accurate to how that'd go down pre-knowing. Like I said Dark definitely hasn't interacted with very many people [if anyone at all] outside of Chosen and thus does think this is probably normal to a degree, but the first few times [more like a couple hundred times] it DOES kinda hurt a bit and cause some confusion before they can work something out for it.

2: ...I'm guessing Dark was also in this list yes? Beast was co-conscious during AVA3 if i remember correctly and so saw Dark was willing to help and defend. Even if Beast didn't trust them 100% it didn't think of them as a threat right? Maybe even considered him an ally

Oh yeah, for a while after it was able to let go of the constantly moving train of thought that consisted exclusively of just "protect" and "danger," it did for a long time consider Dark trustworthy enough to feel safe around and to relax, even if it was just the tiniest amount. It's almost always on guard, but... well, surely it can let Dark watch its back just this once, right? It was a sort of "well, you're not hurting me, and we are fighting the same guy, so......." sort of allyship at first. It probably definitely helped that for a long time between AVA3 and Showdown, Dark and Chosen probably had pretty relaxed lives outside of the whole tormening the internet thing. They probably didn't really do anything that'd warrent the feeling of danger in their free time, so on the days when Beast would be the one jolting awake at night, it'd be able to, slowly, calm down. Plus, with Dark being so open minded about things that help Beast instead of hurt it, and the way the other two seemed fine with him, it did begin to trust him.

2.5: And if yes, Dark was on the Trustworthy list, what about the virabot thing made Beast decide "Hmmm no he's an enemy actually"?

Oh god, the Virabots. Yeah that whole thing was a complete MESS for the three honestly. It was less the presence of the Virabots themselves and moreso the actions that Dark had made them do against Chosen specifically. Until then, Chosen was mostly cautious about them - he knew they could be dangerous, but at that point still believed he could talk Dark out of his plan. Along with this, Dark is kinda the worlds most emotionally constipated guy ever, and has ZERO skills in talking about his plans and feelings without requiring people to do a five page deconstructive essay to decipher what he means about it. To Chosen, the second that first Virabot ended up trying to actively kill him, was when the seed of doubt kinda bloomed. He was worried then, and had the idea that yes, Dark is still a killer, he is destructive, always has been, and is fully capable of hurting him - or worse, if he somehow got the upper hand. Chosen knows this fact very, very well. It was quite literally their first ever interaction.

But he still wanted to believe Dark wouldn't do that.

Until he got quite literally dogpiled, of course. I'd say the second Dark started actively sic'ing Virabots at him was the moment that Chosen pulled back and Beast shoved itself into front going "okay, this is serious, this is not the person we trusted, because our Dark wouldn't hurt us like this." It was vehement denial mixed with a sort of bitter "I told you so" feeling. It saw this coming, it let its guard down, it trusted someone, and now it was being attacked by something it could barely take on as one, nevermind tens, maybe hundreds. It was being attacked by Dark. So it had to fix that mistake and remove the threat at the same time, if that makes sense.

^ Literally 100% you read my mind anon this has totally happened before, especially more in the early years of the two living together. You described this really well actually, and the way you described Beast's stance - ready for combat AND read to flee at a moments notice - is exactly how I picture it;; it's always ready to fight back and lash out, but moreso in that cornered way where it's obvious it also sorta wants to book it after getting enough hits in to where it'll be confident that whatevers after it Isn't Moving Towards It anymore.

I really don't have much to add to that scenario because you are literally so correct I am shaking you by the shoulders [positive tone] this is SO REAL RAAGH. Yeah ^_^

Honest to god yeah that's probably exactly how he ended up knowing. I think like I mentioned earlier, it's kinda a case of a bunch of little things adding up before they eventually tell him any details that help with understanding, but before that Dark definitely has his suspicions and it's totally because of Killer 😭 Unfortunately bro is NOT very subtle if they're not putting their focus into masking /j

It'd probably be something small and inconsequential and silly, really. Something simultaniously dumb as hell but also a massive show of trust, y'know? I'd have to think more on the details but I like to think that as Killer gets more comfortable, and more sure that they don't have to pretend to be Chosen to still be safe, they let go of the masking little by little, with small things - maybe a preference in food or drink here and there, or small comments about interests that they know are much too distinct from anything Chosen ever expressed liking before. It feels more natural the more they do it, before they eventually forget to mask around Dark, because it feels more comfortable to them being themselves.

Oh yeah for sure. 5 minutes at least, paired with that sorta laughy halfhearted apology for laughing, followed by the occasional snort or huff or laugh every few minutes after that whenever Dark thinks about it for the rest of the day. Killer is not mad at the laughing but they are in fact waiting for the day they can do the same towards Dark ☝ every day they hope he trips stupidly [JOKE]

3: Who was fronting during The Box? You mentioned Chosen during Wanted, and I'm assuming its either him or Killer during the beginning of the box. But once they realise they're trapped? When Chosen turns to Victim in the episode? I can see that being Beast. I know shifts aren't always easy to spot but if Beast was going to come in at any time, it was when they realised they were trapped.

You're pretty correct here; for a lot of The Box, it's primarily Chosen, though Beast is definitely doing the metaphorical "hovering ominously in the back" thing thanks to the chase and injury sustained during Wanted. It's not quite reaching the "feeling like their life is in danger" levels at this point, but it's close and Chosen is feeling very dizzy, thanks.

You're also very correct in your assessment that realizing they're trapped is what, primarily, causes Beast to switch in; collectively, they have a VERY bad history with being trapped or imprisoned. Honestly I feel like they're actually pretty claustrophobic - I don't really see anyone mention this too much, but when Chosen got caught by the firewall in AVA2, he LITERALLY gets locked up inside a little box. It's probably cramped and dark and obviously unbreakable. That 100% left an impact on him - and in this HC, his system as a whole never really escaped that being a triggering thing.

To Beast, it feels very obviously trapped - cornered and contained much like it had been when it first formed. To it, this isn't a fight to JUST protect, but a fight to save their life. It feels genuinely like that, even if it wont die here, it'll just be imprisoned all over again, chained down and used for anothers gain. And it wants anything BUT that. It will fight tooth and nail - quite literally, might I add - to get out of there, because it believes that the second it gives up it is over for them. It has no idea what Victim wants from it -- and so it defaults to that Victim wants to fully and entirely kill them.

4: Speaking again of the box, when they realise that they are NOT beating Victim, does someone elbow Beast out of the way? To try and escape? Because fighting has proven entirely futile? Or is someone co-conning (I assume that means co-conscious) with it and convincing it to pull away, since in the original post, Vic was talking to Beast while 'Chosen' was tied up on the chair

[You're right, co-conning is short for co-conscious ^^]

Honestly probably yes? For a good while it's still fighting back, or at the very least sticking around to take the brunt of whatever Victim is throwing at them - being a protector doesn't only mean physically, it also means mentally. Sometimes things may not hurt someone on the outside, but could wreck them on the inside, and they need someone more equipped with dealing with these things - or, more crudely, Used To dealing with these things - to take over.

When it becomes apparent that Beast cant fight its way out of this, someone - though I haven't really settled on who - definitely tries to front to try other methods of escape. Maybe it's Chosen, maybe it's Killer, honestly realistically they wouldn't even be able to tell either under all that stress. There's definitely someone giving passive-influence to try and escape though. Beast is determined to intimidate Victim, and to keep the others from having to experience anything rough, but... it's a bit hard to stick around when everything in your body - externally, and internally - is screaming for you to get the hell out of there, in one way or another. In short it's having an awful time and unfortunately the others are there for the ride /j

5: Beast comes out when they're trapped or in a fight for their life, but does it (and the others) have any positive triggers that will draw them out? I've heard of music being used, or toys, maybe also food? Idk, but if you have something in mind for these three I'm curious what it is

Oh yeah positive triggers can definitely happen with systems! At the end of the day they do still trigger out an alter so it can still be pretty disorienting at first, so I will say it's mostly [at least and my and my friends cases irl] only used either when we are completely okay with it [both system-wise and alter-wise] or when whoever's in front is having a rough time and kinda needs a break, but doesn't exactly want to stress anyone else out via a negative trigger, if that makes sense.

However comma ! That does not mean I can't give positive triggers to my little guys here. Because I do think they deserve good things.

You're right in that things like music, toys, and even food are really common ones, at least in my experience and from what I've seen. Sometimes it can also be certain people! It really varies quite a bit, so when developing a headcanon that relates to that, there's quite a bit of wiggle room lol

I think it'd be slightly different for these three depending on who it is;

Chosen would probably have some related to music, and maybe a more niche one related to welding. Music because I feel like he's the type of guy to get comfort from listening to songs he loves on loop, and welding because he probably heard the sound a lot while Dark was working in his little workshop, either on the Virabots or on other such projects. [Sidenote, welding as a sound is something I'm actually pretty fond of myself, but if anyone's not a big fan of the sound of sparking, or repetative "buzzing", you probably won't like it if you look it up lol. It's not too loud on video, but I can see how it'd get annoying or give someone a headache.]

Killer is definitely the more food oriented one in all honesty. Maybe even specific books it's read? Certain meals that it enjoys are primarily it though - maybe things that it's made with Dark that it has a positive association with? Or things that it's tried once or twice, REALLY loved, and ended up always snagging front when they eat it because of that association. That kinda thing lol.

Beast is... kinda tricky to think of actual positives for? Not because it doesn't enjoy anything - honestly I think it's the type to enjoy slow and relaxing activities that it doesn't need to put a lot of thought into. Moreso because it's hard to pin down anything that would actively trigger it out just to experience. I am open to suggestions here! But for now I'll probably have to leave it at just, if it has any, it hasn't found out what they are yet </3

6: Can they feel the emotions of the other alters? I'm guessing they can feel the emotions of whoevers fronting, because physical sensations, but if someone was fronting and the other two were hovering over their shoulder so to speak, would they be able to tell how they feel?

Unrelated to this question but I had no idea emotions were a physical sensation that people felt until like, a few months ago, like it was just baffling to me it's kinda funny now that I think abotu it.

ANYWAYS; honestly I'd say yes, to some degree! Passive influence is pretty common in a few systems - you'll probably hear it talked about similiarly to how you asked about it, along with people saying something like, for example, they couldn't decide what to order from a restraunt, but someone else in the system wanted [this meal], and thus there was that passive influence to get it. Not sure if that makes sense but that's basically what that can feel like - and since it applies to things like opinions sometimes, it can also presumably apply to emotions!

It'd be less of a "they can feel each others exact thoughts and feelings about this thing if they're co-conning" thing, and more of a, for instance, "Chosen doesn't have any real strong feelings about the show they're watching, but Killer on the other hand really likes it, so Chosen feels a bit of that secondhand enjoyment and positivity towards it." Sorta an ambigious background feeling if that makes any sense. They do share a brain and body after all, so sometimes things do get passed and shared that way. [This one is super projecty based off my own stuff lol, I cannot count the amount of times someones ended up passively influencing me on accident when we were stuck co-conning. It's almost comical /j]

Okay I think that's all once more, I started writing this literally as soon as you sent these in and it's been nearly 2 hours so I've probably talked your ear off [talked your... eyes out? How does that phrase translate into text. Much to think about ...] but once again literally thank you so much for being so curious, and it's really not an issue that you've sent such long asks!!!

I adore talking about this headcanon a lot. I've said it before but this HC means a lot to me as a system; we don't get a lot of representation [nevermind good representation] so a lot of the times I like to try and find a character I feel it would fit the best, and then delve into it there. This HC is very very special to me and has a very special place in my heart, so seeing not only so many people accepting and positive about it, but also your own massive curiosity and engagement, really makes me happy!

Plus, ever since I posted this HC ages and ages ago in the community I've seen a ton more pop up every once and a while. It does make me pretty happy to see HCs like this be so widely accepted and appreciated. Along with that, I've also seen other systems in the fandom get super excited about this HC!!! And I'm just so so so happy that my silly little headcanon about sticks in this guys head can make other people feel more seen. I think it's the highest compliment to anything I've ever made. :]

[churrorat-art]

Haii chatttt you want my late night vent I'll prolly shove 2 drafts???

So I'm doing really bad!!!

I think I have an eating disorder! My uhhm my brother called me caseoh?! That was weird but not even compared to being called a gluttonous freak. GLUTTONOUS FREAK. A DISGRACEFUL SINNER. I see it in thier eyes...they're words...they. oh gosh. I hate eating. I hate food. I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!!!!!!!! Chewing food.. into a paste...swallowing it....I never want to eat. Ever. I wish I could watch myself die of starvation! My body withering up....I TRIED! I tried not eating for a whole 2 days it didn't go well all I feel is my body scratching and screeching at me to eat. I'll try my hardest to only eat the main meals I have to. Dinner..lunch if I have to. I don't deserve any other food. Just the thought of eating sickens me. And I'm too coward to vomit it up. Oh but I wish I wasn't!! I want to hack up all the disgusting sludge I've eaten and feel my body hurt from hunger. But I hate vomit and thinking of it...nope. i can't throw up!! I'll work up the courage eventually though if I'm desperate enough. Oh shit I did self harm too....... I'm too scared to use my actual paper cutter thingy I have cause blood makes me nauseous and I wouldn't be able to clean it up properly. But my goshh I crave to hurt by that small sharp metal blade. I've bitten my nails to sharp edges at the corner so I just rake away at my arm and its comforting. I deserve it. No blood yet. Its scabbing though. I love to pick at scabs so that's good. Oohh also running it under hot hot water afterwards. Yeah

EW I FUCKING DISGUST MYSELF.

But my mom..shes been taking away all means of internet access I have. I don't know why! I tell her, hey you can't take away my phone! That is mine! But who pays the bills? And and she knows I'm not doing anything with it! Who I'm supposed to message I have no friends wahwah. Thank the lords above she cant check my phone, or well she hasn't yet. So I dont have anything to distract myself from the bad thoughts. I normally listen to rain and thunder ir draw when it's bad but oops I couldn't!! during the day I watch my little pony because it keeps the breakdowns at bay enough and it's silly and happy. I really like twilight sparkle.

I get sooo much relief when I hear my mom is gonna be at work all day. Also this thing that happened earlier? I was in my room and my mom comes in. She asks me what I'm doing and I tell her and I guess my attitude was seeming sad (no fucking shit) and she told me to shut up and atleast ACT happy. Oh. Okay. I get it! Why should I be able to like, feel my own emotions? Nope! I'm so happy! I HATE THE WAY SHE LOOKS AT ME!!!!! I swear she walked passed my room while I was having a panic attack and I was trying to be quiet I'm pretty sure....but she just walked passed.........not like this is the first time! She holds everything like it's a grudge. Keep in mind what else the fuck I'm supposed to do? I can't hang out with friends. And like its making me consider If I should go back to my toxic friend....I want to. Walking now feels so lonely. I don't have music. I'm broke ain't goin nowhere. I cant wait for school but at the same time I can. I hate the work and exams....but I crave new environment and positive social interaction...

I'm so full of anger and hate hate hate!! but that's okay .we keep it all in :)

My moms gonna be at work all day Tomorrow she leaves before I wake (hopefully) and I snatched my phone soon as she was sleeping cuz I needed this. And I find this all so hilarious. I'm literally laughing at myself I'm such a fool. What a freak. I HAVE SO MUCH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS...I KNOW ITS BAD BUT I FUCKING CANT CONTROL IT!! IRS KIKE YEAH WHAT IF WE WAKE DEAD EVERYONE WOULD CONTINUE LIFE NORMALLY AFTER A DAYOR TWO.

I'll be okay.

[simlit]

All odd numbers for Kyrie!😁

What memory would your OC rather just forget?

I think he'd wish he could forget that he was given to the church as a baby. Not necessarily because he wants to reunite or even know his birth parents, he doesn't. But it's a constant reminder that he, quite literally, doesn't belong there. That he was given away as if he was a tool or some material good. It's just a lot to carry around with you.

What is your OC's fatal flaw? Are they aware of this flaw?

Fear of failure. Something that has only recently made itself evident to him (and me lol). In a way, he's a people pleaser. He doesn't want to disappoint those around him. He fears the ripple of consequences that might stem from his domino falling first, and doesn't want to be the person responsible for a larger collapse, so he sort of keeps to his duty as a cog, despite how he might not align with the objective.

How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want?

I would say... not very. He's lazy, certainly, but he's also sheltered, incredibly inexperienced, and lacks the means to get what he wants through pure brute strength, power or smarts. That being said, if the obstacle is something he can overcome, I think he'd be more inclined to actually try.

What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

I made Kyrie almost as a blank slate so that I could easily adapt him to the circumstances of the story. Because CotS is both interactive and filled with characters I didn't create, he had to be someone who could blend well with all types of people, and not have many "hardstops" so to speak, morally or otherwise. But along the way I've tried to make someone who is an "open template" entertaining, and I think Kyrie's almost lackadaisical unbothered humor emerged from all of ~that~. I didn't go in planning him to be such a huge fucking troll, but I'm glad he has his "thing". In a story with so many strong personalities, it would have been easy to get overtaken by the other cast members.

Do you have a specific lyric or quote which you associate with your OC?

"That's abominable." Because it's just so damn funny.

What is your OC's weapon of choice? Have they ever actually used it?

Yes, he has one, and no he doesn't use it. And it's been called into question multiple times in the story, and I still don't think a damn one of them knows the actual truth yet lmao. It's funnier that way. It wouldn't save him from getting murdered, obviously. It would probably just get him murdered faster.

If you met your OC, would the two of you get along?

Absolutely. If he wasn't so hot. Because honestly every time I look at him I just want to punch him in the face so 100% the conversation would go no where and I'd get arrested.

Does your OC have a faceclaim? If so, who?

No he doesn't.

What is the worst thing you have put your OC through story-wise?

I kind of... took his sister. Mean Jade go grr. I have this terrible habit of killing off loving sisters. I leave the bad ones though. Elsera says hi.

How does your OC behave when enraged?

He's one of those awful people who just gets stoic and civil when angry. As Tay said while having the absolute pleasure of being on the other end of it: that's probably worse. He's not been confronted with a situation that would make him exceptionally angry though, i.e. nothing life or death, so maybe that would change.

Does your OC have any illnesses or disorders? How do they handle it?

He doesn't.

What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

I think it would be loss. Which I guess is a generic answer, since it's pretty typical of human nature not to handle loss well. But I think when you have so very little in your life that is truly meaningful, then you're grasping at straws and have nothing to distract you from your grief. I think in the story currently, he's in a constant state of bracing. Trying to remain outwardly hopeful even though his body is already starting to reject the premise that things will turn out well, and that putting so much mental strength into denying it, degrades his focus in other facets of his life. Outside of the few moments where he's truly and genuinely amused, I do feel he's starting to lose himself under the pressure he would have, otherwise, been able to stand against without hesitation. I can't really imagine him in a place where he has to accept that loss is real, and I don't know how or if he can cope with it when it does.

What is your favorite thing about your OC?

I love what a huge fuckin TROLL he is. Sorry, it's so entertaining to me. It's one of my main reasons for preferring him with ~certain~ members of the cast. Mostly the ones who are ripe for riling up ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[sysmedsaresexist]

So I saw this post going around a bit ago saying that it was endo/nondisordered systems that spread support for osddid systems and pushed for more research of traumagenic systems and idk how true that is considering back then, systems were under the MPD dx before they changed the dx in the DSM. MPD was not the same thing as an endo system, but rather most likely either a traumagenic osddid system that didn’t have a proper understanding bc psychologists didn’t get it yet or a person w bpd schema modes that people misunderstood as an osddid system. (Not to say that systems with bpd don’t exist, we’re one such system, but the two are not the same thing). Idk. I feel like it’s in bad faith for endos to say “we’re responsible for why you have research at all btw”. I’m almost positive it’s just regular traumagenic systems who did not have the same knowledge and research we have now pushing for that/fighting for ourselves.

I'm not sure if I'm misreading or misunderstanding, feel free to correct me! There's a few points I'm going to touch on, though, just to cover all the bases. Settle in.

This is actually a really common myth I see from endos-- that MPD either included endogenic systems, and/or that MPD didn't require distress or trauma, and that the change to DID excluded all these systems by... requiring dysfunction? This chart is often used to showcase the differences between the disorders and how the disorders became "more restrictive", excluding systems from the diagnosis.

Which is a weird argument-- If MPD supposedly pathologized all plural experiences by not including distress or trauma in its criteria, wouldn't you hate MPD more than DID? And yet there's a HUGE community of systems that prefer the MPD diagnosis over DID for weird reasons.

However.

The truth of the matter is that MPD and DID are the exact same disorder, renamed. Even as MPD, it still required trauma and dysfunction for diagnosis (it even still talked about it being a childhood disorder), but even back then, no one read the whole goddamn entry for MPD. From the DSM III.

It's a very frustrating running theme.

The only thing that changed was the name, and it wasn't changed because they didn't believe in the diagnosis. All five were renamed to reflect a better understanding of the mechanisms behind the disorder and dissociation in general. I guess they didn't believe in any of these disorders.

What's really interesting is the changes that were made from the DSM III to the DSM III-TR (PDF). Here's a few choice changes for those on a phone.

(Most interesting to me are the changes to the amnesia criteria)

As you can see, the changes actually significantly expanded the criteria to include more presentations.

The DSM IV is where the name was changed to DID. In less than two years, the DSM IV TR would be released where all of the "cautionary" statements about overdiagnosis of DID would be removed, and we all know what the DSM 5 looks like.

SO.

What were endo/nondisordered systems doing around this time?

Why, being fucking douchebags of course.

The DSM IV was released in 1994, and in 1995, Astaeasweb was started. They were the first major group in this clusterfuck. They were the first to describe "non disordered" plurality, and soon after coined "natural multiplicity".

This was the start of the endogenic movement.

And all they did during that time was call for the boycott of MPD and DID.

"This DID boycott in particular held significance because it caused extreme harm to people with DID/OSDD. This boycott was intrinsically tied to both the anti-psych and natural multiplicity movements. Boycotters often held the belief that DID/OSDD weren’t real and should be removed from diagnostic manuals. Pages on natural and empowered multiplicity tended to go hand-and-hand with boycotting the DID diagnosis as well as boycotting psychiatry or psychology. As a result, this boycott impacted both society’s and psychology’s perceptions of DID/OSDD, and left lasting effects on the DID/OSDD community."

Pluraldeepdive, links and archives in post, check them out, they're an amazing resource.

It was around 1998 that the divide began between "empowered multiples" and "survivor multiples". This is where the real ableism started.

The 2000s introduced the "Healthy Multiplicity" movement. "The purpose of this movement was to establish that plural experiences were not pathological. Participants in this movement often insisted that childhood trauma or abuse could not cause plurality or multiplicity." [x]

This is where we start to see the rise of what is now the endo community, built off the boycott and definitions that were continually being twisted until they lost all meaning.

It went from, "MPD isn't a disorder," to "trauma doesn't define us," to "you don't need trauma at all".

And so it goes, on and on, until today.

A lot of these groups didn't call for more research and they twisted research that was already in use. In fact, in 2003, Pavillion, one of these groups, set their sights on the DID wiki. "The Pavilion organization used a system called action alerts to keep track of various DID-related events or articles. Pavilion members would then coordinately inject controversy and natural multiplicity theories into these spaces."

So in actuality, they were actively fighting and hindering research at the time.

I don't think it matters whether they were actually DID or not-- the point remains that people in these movements had nothing to do with the research we have now, and are in no way responsible for the scientific advancements we've seen.

It's in very bad faith for them to say that.

This has gotten long! I hope I covered everything. Feel free to reach out :)

[depraved-gf]

How fitting that I would write this exactly two months to the day after I went no contact with this boy. Hm.

Well. You all requested the story of the last boy I ever had feelings for. So buckle up. It's worth it to note that I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), so while I do have a Fearful Avoidant attachment style, if I do happen to find that rare attachment, my feelings can get intense and happen very quickly. I don't get to choose it, but sometimes my BPD can also latch onto someone and make them what's called a Favorite Person (FP).

An FP to someone with BPD is like looking up at God. It can be anyone. You see, an FP can do no wrong, even if they do. You attach to them, connection wise, emotionally, spiritually, and they're your every waking thought. It's toxic for both parties. And for someone with BPD, forcing yourself to detach from an FP feels like LITERAL death.

I've only had 2 of them, including this boy. The one before him was my toxic ex of 14 years. Yes... 14 years, I stayed with my last FP. Do you see why an FP can be detrimental?

Anyway. I met this boy online. We'll call him J.

Y'see, I post on occasion to NSFW reddit. I began doing this after my big breakup to see if someone like me could ever be desirable. Again... This was a very long and neglectful relationship. I've posted on and off, but back in late September, I was posting while I was still FtM (Female-to-Male) and transitioning. This matters.

I received a chat request from this guy. I looked at his profile. Really liked what I saw. Saw that he commented often on another FtM's profile, thus making him okay with my transitioning body - a big plus and a nice refuge from the constant misgendering and need for a "female body."

J messaged me kindly enough. He didn't immediately sexualize me. I mean, he did, but it was welcomed and as expected on NSFW reddit. But he was kind about it. Even funny, really.

I initially didn't respond all that much. A couple times every few days, maybe. In a sea of messages, I don't often have a lot of energy to respond. But it wasn't long when I got the message, "so, if we're going to talk [like this], I may as well get to know the person behind the pics, right?" and proceeded to ask about me. My interests. My favorite things. [Note: I wish I still had the account, but I deleted it entirely so I wouldn't continue to hurt myself while looking back at these messages. I only have the meaningful screenshots left.]

So we talked.

A lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. We got to know each other. Sexted. Made personal videos for one another. And went right back to talking normally. All day, everyday. He lived 3 hours away. I learned that he was the 4th of 12 kids, and he learned that I lost my eldest brother to drugs. I learned his favorite color was purple and he learned mine is nature green. We both were heavily abused in past relationships and never knew what it felt like to be loved or cared for. We both gamed, we enjoyed the same hobbies. He ensured to always ask if he was crossing any gender boundaries, asked me what I preferred to be called, always, always was so considerate towards my transition.

We agreed to talk more and become FWBs. But both of us were so shy and fearful of meeting since we'd never met anyone from online before, so we agreed to talk a little longer. J is the most shy, yet arrogant man I've ever met lmao. [Just my type. Shame on me. I love a god complex.]

Days passed. A week. Two. All day, everyday, J and I would talk. And once I started feeling a little dysphoric about being male, he very quickly switched over to using my preferred pronouns and pet names. It was seamless, and something I never experienced before.

He encouraged me to be the best version of myself. I encouraged him to get back into streaming on twitch, his past relationships always making him quit or mocking him for doing it.

We sent face pictures after being shy. We sent voice notes. He made it a game to try guessing my deadname (with my permission), and when I told him he had to guess extremely early-mid 90s names, he sent me more voice notes. [These, I do still have]. "It's Katherine. No? Okay, dammit. I'm going to get this, Isa, mark my words. [The next day, another voice note.] So I was actually thinkin' about it ALL DAY, but I kinda don't wanna say my next guess because it's gonna be kinda awkward if it's right- [second voice message after I encouraged him to say it] -*a smile in his voice* No, Isa, I do not have the voice of a Greek god, leave me alone *laughs* you're just tryna make me all smiley and shit, motherfucker. Okay, so I was thinkin' it's Samantha, 'cause that's a super 90s ass name, right?"

He had told me I had the voice of an angel and I told him he had the voice of a Greek god. [And tumblr, he did. Ohhhh, he did. Just hearing them again to type it out gave me full body chills. Ugh.]

He trusted me when his aunt unalived herself. Vented to me, said he wanted to take time for himself but that he just couldn't stay away from talking to me, explaining that he didn't even trust his best friends with the grisly details of her death because it was so bad.

I'd also occasionally get 3am messages saying he's thinking about me.

Or little things like, "I can't talk to anyone like I talk to you, Isa." Or while he was driving to work, he'd send me sky pictures since he lives in rural [state], knowing I sort of miss the pretty country skies. "It's so pretty out today, nothing compared to you, though." or-

He'd keep sayin' real cutesy shit like that for a FWB. But then, he asked me to send a few songs his way that would generally explain my music taste. This was the kicker - I was raised in a full musicians household. Music is quite literally my life. It's my home. My sanctuary. So when I sent him over my songs, thinking he'd never heard of my shit, he sent back the same shit. And we agreed to go see August Burns Red in early December. Our first meeting was going to be a concert for a band we both loved. [Yes. Ouch, in hindsight. I ended up not going, obviously.]

So the mf made me a whole playlist on Spotify since it's what I use. And I made him one on YouTube premium since it's what he used. And I shit you not, it's just about the same fucking music. Really freaked me out but in the best way.

Then... After more days passed, I had a really, really bad night. Y'see, I suffer from gallbladder issues from my very fluctuating weight throughout my life. I have EDs (eating disorders) - I've been in the 80lb category before, and I've also been up in the 280s. I've not been kind to my body and this is my payment. One night, I had a particularly bad episode. If you've never had a gallbladder attack, imagine the most intense pain you've ever experienced - now, take it and form it into a very sharp, spiky, WAY too small rubber band, and wrap it around your entire abdomen across your sternum and around your back. Deal with that 12/10 pain for a full day, nothing touching it, and then deal with the aftershocks of it for a full week after. [I have doctor phobia. Leave me alone. I manage.]

I had a particularly bad attack, and J was there. We hadn't done much else except talk on reddit and occasionally snap or text and send cute voice notes. But that night, he remembered that I mentioned finding comfort when my ex would play games while I was sick. I love to watch people play games if I'm not the one actually playing for once. It relaxes me. It reminds me of the simpler times when my brother and I would stay up and play Final Fantasy until the early morning hours. J did something I didn't expect, though - on Discord, he offered to call me while he played his game before he had to stream with his friends. We hadn't talked on the phone before this, both of us just far too shy and afraid to fuck it up.

But he did. He called me. And it was awkward, and it was adorable, and so, so endearing. It comforted me through the immense, blinding pain. It didn't seem so bad when I had that voice comforting me in my ears.

He even stayed on a little later and made his friends wait to ensure I was comfortable, before he hung up to stream. And even then, this man had always been so good about texting during his game even when I told him to "focus, dummy!<3." I turned on his stream after that and I fell asleep to his voice. In what was once searing pain, I managed to fall asleep.

But y'see, J wasn't just super sweet. He was possessive. When I posted on reddit, he'd always tell me how jealous he got that I was talking to others, even passively in my comments. Again, a huge turn on for me. He told me I was his. That he'd come show me who I belonged to.

Eventually... We confessed that we had feelings for one another. "You got me actin crazy, I've never given out my number to anyone online, I be thinkin' about you at 4am all the time, workin' to keep you around... I'd say I prolly do [have feelings]."

It got serious after that when he confessed it truthfully without jokes. That one is for me.

Oh, and here's me, in all my flirtatiously awkward glory:

What a surprise, Isa doesn't know how to flirt.

But... Some things didn't add up after a while. He didn't like to snap much, instead opting to remain on reddit. He kept making the time to meet later and later, eventually saying he likely wouldn't be able to come up until late January, and this was mid-October. I expressed my concern on the matter, saying that I understood his hesitation if he wanted to take time, but also that I was admittedly upset after I was the one who already bought our tickets and accommodations and shit. And it seemed to be fine. "Aight listen, you're right, I'm sorry. There really is no reason, I was just scared of fuckin' this up. If my babygirl wants to see me sooner, then imma make it work. ABR [August Burns Red] it is, send me the ticket again." [<- REMEMBER THIS!!!]

Then, we'd get into tiny little spats.... Where he'd then say shit like, "well it's not like we know each other, goddamn." And be immediately cool with ending it.

But then he'd apologize for acting up. "If I'm acting dumb just tell me and I'll act right"

It was small things at first. Then he suddenly started getting distant.

I wouldn't hear from him a whole lot. And so when I communicated and asked him what was up, October 19th, he finally spoke up and said he was angry that I made him feel forced and rushed to come see me.

And y'know what I did?

I apologized. Cried to him. Begged him to stay and that I'd be better. Felt like such a shit person for making him feel forced, even though I went back much later into the messages and saw that I was extremely understanding about his anxiety, and only upset about the plans after he had me buy the tickets/accommodations.

Looking back, it wasn't my responsibility to read through the lines of him retracting back to agreeing to go. And it ended up being a cop out. [I'm getting to this. Just trust me.]

So we talked normally after that. Even sorta flirted like normal, but it was strained. You could tell.

"Makin' me do the lil smiley thing again" he said to our little Mr. Miyagi banter. [An inside thing...]

October 21st, though.

9pm.

"Isa. I wasn't going to tell you this, but you deserve to know.

I learned about a week ago that I got my girlfriend pregnant. And ion wanna keep doin this shit with you if imma make it right. No reason we can't still be friends tho?"

...what- HUH?!

My heart exploded. I couldn't breathe. I tried so hard to physically hold myself together where it felt like my core was going to snap in half. I was dying. Dying. DYING.

He explained that he was planning to break up with her for a while because it began as a drug relationship and they don't really talk since he got clean, but that she's very volatile and he's afraid of what she'd do if he left.

I simply wished him well and went no contact.

I was dying. Dying. DYING.

I watched his streams just to hear his voice one more time. I listened to the voice notes. I needed him. I craved him.

Pleasecomebackpleasecomebackpleasecomeback

I did my own research. Turns out they were engaged.

I was dying. Dying. DYING.

I drank myself to near death. Jameson Black Barrel Whiskey will never taste the same. Countless hours spent venting to my poor roommate. Yelling. Screaming. Feeling hollow. Empty. Dead.

He was my FP, and now he was dead.

...............

About a month later, mid-November, I got a reddit message. "Is it bad that I still come to your page to check on you?"

My response was surface level. I wasn't strong enough not to respond yet. But I did leave him on read after that. "Well, you know I'll always be a fan of you."

Maybe 2 weeks later, I had seen that he was streaming with a camera on this time. I watched him. The way he carries himself, his voice, his mannerisms. I was okay for the most part, but it was bittersweet. Like an old flame.

I saw him look down at his phone, and Bing! My phone went off.

"I see you on stream 👀"

And he got visibly more excited. Animated with the game. More talkative and smiley.

And then I left. I deserved that power play. And I haven't been back.

I deleted my reddit account after that. Didn't want to look back. Didn't want the memories. Started up my backup.

And last night, at 2am, I got a chat request from a familiar name.

And here we are.

I still think about him at least a couple times a day, but it's fleeting. Like looking back at an old flame, like I said before.

I learned that situationship breakups hurt worse than relationship breakups do, because you weren't able to see the bad side of it yet.

But oh, me.

Boys, boys, boys.

Y'all drive me fuckin' crazy.

So, here's to you, J.

[mischiefmanifold]

I feel like I've been played with for three years now, going to therapists until they find a higher calling tm (3 now) and now I'm extremely distrusting. These people seem like they don't want to give a diagnosis and now I see you with 'medically recognized DID system'

How on Earth did you find someone who doesn't think you are just lying? I wouldn't call what's wrong with me true DID before, I lack amnesia, every voice is extremely inward. Then I saw your post on different types and it has me wondering, does any professional (in my life) even have this information? Of course you can't answer that and you probably jumped through many people as well. I guess my real question is, how did you not lose hope on finding a diagnosis?

Hello, friend!

I went through four therapists before finding one who was willing to work with my alters and thoroughly consider DID as a diagnosis (my current therapist, number 5). Previously, I've had two student therapists who couldn't do shit, one therapist whom I saw when I hadn't discovered my alters yet, and one who said it was a possibility that I had DID but ultimately brushed it off as "this person is anxious and exaggerating". I am currently in trauma therapy with a trauma-informed social worker who is knowledgeable on DID and autism.

Unfortunately, most therapists and psychologists are not educated in the complexities of trauma and dissociative disorders. This makes it extremely difficult for complex trauma survivors to find quality care and healing.

Your best plan of action is to extensively question each potential therapist before seeing them (most therapists offer free 15-minute intro sessions where you can voice questions and concerns and see if the therapist "clicks"). Ask them their experiences with complex trauma, have they ever worked with someone who has DID, how up to date on research are they, etc.

[certifiedbitch777]

New Year, New Me?

Entry Date: 2/2/2024

I am currently 23 years old. The age I always hear carries the most tribulations for our early 20s, which has pretty much been my pain point as I have no idea what I'm doing in life.

Shocking, I know, right?

Before I got my current corporate job, I had so much passion. I want to try out everything in life. I wanted to be a writer, dancer, singer, actor, psychologist - Shit, I even tried to do IT because why the fuck not? I had so much energy and drive I felt like I could conquer the world. And yet, here I am now, and I have no passion, interest, or drive. I'm literally just floating in life right now, not knowing what the fuck to do next.

I'm in survival mode, to be honest. The only thing that is hardwired into my brain is the goal of getting this shmoney.

Despite all this, I still feel lazy since I have no ambition for anything outside of money. My mind is plagued by what I should and shouldn't do and all I can land on is 'I don't fucking know :|'. 

Regardless of this unclarity and lack of ambition, I only want a clear sense of direction. I want to get going already, but I don't know what steps to take. Again, I understand I'm only 23 years old, but still. I need that clarity to take action on a path I know I will be satisfied with, but once again IDFK.

There's no way around this phase at this point; It's inevitable. The only thing I guess I can implement is going on a deep assessment of my life (once again) and reviewing what is and isn't working for me. I've just been avoiding doing this because it is tiring and tedious.

Fuck, maybe I'm just being lazy.

I mean, tbh, it isn't fun; It just sounds like a load of work.

Damn, I think I'm lazy...

I mean, they say it takes 30 to 60 days to break a habit. I'll start looking into my bad habits and see what I can get out of that. 

Here's a list of my current shitty habits that I'll be challenging:

Sleeping before or at midnight: My sleep schedule is terrible for a variety of reasons, but I want to start sleeping before midnight to practice better sleeping habits. For reference, I typically stay up until 3am despite working in the morning.

Waking up before 8am: Okay, so this is mainly to be able to study for my permit (Yes, I'm 23 and don't know how to drive. Who's gonna check me??) and work out. This will also allow me downtime after work (5pm).

Consistent Oral Hygiene: Okay, before y'all supposedly clean freaks call me gross, I'm not saying I don't brush my teeth. I do, and twice a day at that, along with using my Therabreath mouthwash. I just need to be consistent with flossing, specifically at night. I've been getting better at it, but I want to implement it into my daily routine.

Taking Daily Medications: I suck at consistently taking my mood stabilizers, as it just makes me feel dreary and sleepy throughout the day. Since I stopped taking it consistently, my mood hasn't been the best. Needless to say, I'm not gonna do that anymore.

Working Out: I've been athletic for as long as I can remember. However, in recent years, I've been on and off and want to get back to having a snatched waist with a phat dumpy. I'm already comfortable with my current size, but to be back in shape wouldn't hurt. I think I'll be sharing my journey with pictures every so often so that you guys can have a realistic peek into my journey.

Eating Habits: I need to eat healthier, PERIOD. I don't have the worst eating, but it's terrible for me because I'm very impulsive with food and suffer from an eating disorder. I have toggled between binging and starving myself many times in the past, so I want to try to find that sweet spot where I can eat healthily and not feel deprived to the point where I binge.

Prioritize Health: Both physical and mental. I suck at this and, at times, can let work take a toll on my everything. Last year almost broke me, and I don't want this year to be the same. I need to be happy and healthy. No comprising at all.

So yeah, that's my list. Once again, I'm just going to point out I am a lazy girl and I have terrible habits, however, I do want to make a change because I'm really tired of this loop.

I want to reach all of my financial, personal, and career goals this year so badly. The good thing is I have some steps to outline what I need to change. The challenge is pushing through to get the end result :\

Anyway, I will most likely post my initial progress for my journey for working out and do bi-weekly check-ins to track my progress.

This may sound corny, but New Year, New Me?

[jaymesyourplaything]

If you want my input? By all means, Dump has every right to feel hurt about not knowing your Jim blog and Blurry's were related, and to cut contact. I'm no psychologist or anything but it does come off as a bit of an overreaction? Blurry was just trying to explain and apologize, literally made multiple posts to clear up that the character and the mod are separate entities. Only reason I see that they'd react like that at first is being called the r word set them off. Again, no shade if that's the case, even if someone can reclaim a slur that doesn't mean everyone is alright with being called such things. One must respect that. Don't have the context for the Moriarty's post part. Womp womp. And yet when someone else apparently tried to explain you both were a part of a dissociative system, that's apparently demonizing mental illness? Oh dear, your existence is a demonization of OSDD? I guess we'll have to cancel you. :/ - 🖤

yeaaaah, i tried to point out that in their perspective "i" came out of nowhere and slurred them, like that's intense. kin tried to explain the best he could he didn't mean offense, that that's blurry's shtick lol, and even agreed they won't interact with them. so we were honestly confused that dump was still bummed about it, when we did our best to not interact when we found out they didn't want to interact with [kin] "anyone in the "system"."

kin and i both find using the r slur appropriate in certain contexts, especially since we're on the spectrum ourselves. this is another point of confusion in general though, as it's in question. neglect and OSDD are signs we're not actually on the spectrum and are stunted due to our abuse. i feel our r-slur pass has been taken away from us </3 granted i try not to use it, but i'll say anything in character. that's what playing a character is. (if there's something i'm uncomfortable with, i likely wouldn't be playing that character. ) (so yeah, reclaiming is fine, but not everyone has to be okay with it. kin uses the f slur too but we have friends who hate the f slur. )

but the crazy thing was dump blocked and unblocked kin a total of 3 times, so after the second time kin blocked them back. kin had to unblock them to take that screenshot but had seen they had unblocked again at some point. now blocked again. they seemed confused themselves on if they genuinely wanted to forgive and forget, but if someone blocks kin then he will block to make sure people don't do that flip flop thing we saw dump do here. john does that a lot too, he'll block you and unblock multiple times over the course of a day for some reason.

i personally prefer to be seen as separate from kin, we don't even use "system". we prefer to say dissociative disorder, admitting to OSDD is still very scary to us, especially because we've had a few people cut contact with us since discovering this. it's very difficult and brave of people to be themselves and understand that, but it's far too new to us and it's so scary still. it's so overwhelming because we never knew how to talk about this stuff, so when john outed us we were thrown into deep water suddenly. i don't mind if people don't want to talk to either of us, but we did everything we could to be respectful of their decision (we didn't tell them we both "are in the same system" but just continued with the decision of "not interacting". from their perspective, we pretended we weren't, in one conversation. but from our perspective, we found out they blocked each other so i stopped interacting. nothing crazy, idk. )

so yeah i agree with you, it's valid of dump and their feelings, but strange they're so closed minded and can't understand it was just a misunderstanding. i didn't know, when i found out, i stopped interacting. so manipulative lol

[pie-of-flames]

mclennon wip 👀 i am intrigued. feel free to answer as many or as few as you want: 2, 10, 14, 15, 16 (as someone who's also struggling lol), 25, 30

I think I already answered 2 in the process of answering 1 for the previous ask. (I guess a log line is supposed to be shorter than a plot description. Oh well.)

10: Describe the tropes present in this WIP. H/C, sickfic, amnesia, canon divergence, fix it, angst, HEA.

14. Where will the WIP start?

Right now it starts in London at Cavendish sometime in 1971. Ish. John and Yoko are still living at Tittenhurst.

15. What do you like about this WIP?

I always like writing characters with an angsty past filled with regret and longing. Here we have Paul filled with those things and also dealing with Linda leaving him because of his own bad behavior. We also have Paul and John wrestling with the loss of the Beatles and each other and what that means. And of course, I love having the characters find their true path and happiness in each other. Here it's a voyage of rediscovery and reconnection as Paul helps John get back on track and heal. At least that's the idea.

16. What do you find frustrating about this WIP?

Figuring out some actual plot? I'm 10k words into the actual scenario that I initially envisioned but I'm not entirely sure how to navigate through to a HEA. I only have some vague ideas. I'm hoping I'll find my way as I write.

Also Yoko has a significant role and she's kind of inscrutable. I can see why some people just write the wives out at the beginning and don't look back. I don't want to make her into a villain because that's such a cliche. At the same time, she's inevitably an antagonist in the scenario I've set up. I think I'm doing an okay job of showing her anguish and frustration about the situation but also how much she dislikes and resents having to call in Paul and is pissed off about John's rejection, anger and fear of her. I picture her as being practical on some level, somewhat impatient, brusque and very determined.

Also I'm worried about picking a time period that was actually very contentious between John and Paul and ignoring lots of facts. I picked it because I thought it was a plausible time for John to OD and easier to have Paul and John in the same country. OTOH, this is fan fic and my reason for writing this at all is pure wish fulfillment. I can do what I want.

25. Name the three most important things for you to plan.

I'm not a big planner or a writer of long fics. It's really unusual for me to even have an idea that needs to be long, but I think this one does, at least in my head and I've already written 10k - highly unusual. In addition to what I mentioned above, I need to figure out how to get John and Paul away from Yoko and Tittenhurst. I need to figure out their emotional journey. I actually think this is all going to emerge as I write it and see what feels right. I need to think more about emotional beats. I have a tendency to wrap things up too quickly. Also I just remembered Ringo and George. I hadn't even thought about them yet! *sigh* It's not like they have to be in it but...wouldn't they be worried about John?...I need to figure out the Linda and Paul stuff which I've got Paul angsting about. That has to be emotionally resolved somehow.

30. What stories are most similar to yours?

Well, I've seen a couple that sound sort of similar and I've avoided reading these because I don't want to feel bad or feel influenced by them. They might actually not be similar at all! I don't know. In this one Paul helps John recover from years of disordered eating.

In this one John has amnesia.

In this one John survives the shooting and Paul brings an injured John back to England. I really want to read it because this person is a great writer. It's going to have to wait.

Thanks for the questions! Hopefully all this discussion will motivate me to get writing again. I'm hoping I'm finally starting to feel better after being sick for weeks and having no energy.

[wheelin-after-midnight]

18.

Have you ever made a sex tape?

I have filmed myself for someone, yeah. No shame at all. I'm a sexual person and I love and trust her. She can have and see anything of me that she wants, and she has. I've not filmed anything together because she doesn't want to and I respect that. I wouldn't be opposed to it, though.

Do you look like a boring person?

I think I look like a reserved, probably often unhappy person, which is not wrong, but I'm not boring. I'm a lot of fun. I love outings and little adventures with whoever is down. I love spontaneous plans, though I don't have opportunity to make them that often. I love laughing. I have a lot to me. More than one trait or facet of someone's personality can exist at once.

When’s the last time someone made you feel like you mattered?

My dad did when he called me before work today and listened to why I'm stressed and upset and validated it instead of dismissing it or pretending it's not happening.

Are your teeth clean?

I'm eating, so no.

Have you ever seriously questioned your sanity?

Ugh. Yes.

Do cheesy movies ever inspire you?

Sure. Lots of movies inspire me.

Do you need a vacation?

That would be lovely.

How do you feel about your weight right now?

It's fine. I fluctuate a bit since all that I lost, but I don't obsess over it anymore.

Do graveyards thrill or terrify you?

They do neither. I'm pretty indifferent toward them. Unless it's the one where Nan and Pa are. I have yet to be taken to their gravesite despite asking and begging and it makes me so fucking upset.

Would you ever snort pixie sticks?

No.

Do you like tea?

Not as much as I used to, but yeah.

When’s the last time you took a shower?

Yesterday.

Do your sheets come off your bed easily?

The ones with the deepest pockets stay on nice and tightly. Others slip off.

Does music rule your life?

It's a huge part of it.

Oreos or Chips Ahoy?

Oreos. If they're the mint ones.

Would you say your life is on the right track right now?

My life is turning completely upside down and I'm absolutely sick over it. I would do anything to stop what's happening from happening.

Do you have a better body or a better face?

I don't think either is particularly noteworthy, tbh.

What’s the next thing you have to do that you’re dreading?

Get through the holidays, move.

Do / Did you skip class?

I have.

Have you ever drank cough syrup to get high?

Not to intentionally get high. I've drank maybe more than recommended when I felt like absolute trash and ended up feeling pretty out of it. I don't know whether that was the dosage or the fact I was really sick. Likely a bit of both.

Does your head hurt right now?

No.

Is your phone always on low battery?

My tablet sometimes gets to that point, not always.

Do you miss any of your exes?

My last ex isn't an ex anymore, so I guess you could say I missed her enough to forgive her and work things out and get back together. The others don't matter.

Did you ever take pottery class in High School?

I didn't have that as an option. Maybe I would've if I had.

Have your parents ever suggested that you see a therapist?

Lmfao no. I was the one suggesting counselling and therapy for us together. They wouldn't do it.

Do you masturbate on a regular basis?

Sure do.

Would you ever dye all your hair bright pink?

I want to when the current colour comes out and I have to redo my hair.

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “Monday”?

Nothing.

How do you feel physically right now?

Tired. My stomach is kinda messed up today also.

How do you feel emotionally?

Terrible. I'm just good at hiding it.

Have you ever been friends with someone with bipolar disorder?

Yeah.

Do you have long eyelashes?

No.

Has anyone ever threatened you?

Yes.

Could you fall asleep right now?

I wish.

Do you look pretty today?

I hardly ever think I'm pretty. I usually think I'm hideously ugly.

When’s the last time you ate something?

Right now.

When’s the last time you felt completely and totally alone?

I almost always feel that way.

Have you ever used jump roping as a work out?

I can't jump rope. I can't even walk on my own.

How much money would you spend to see Eminem live?

I would be down to see Eminem, but I don't think I'd spend more than $400

Have you ever considered being a cop?

I wouldn't even be accepted into the academy in the first place.

What color was the last vehicle you were in?

Red.

Do you have big plans for the weekend?

No.

[heavenly-kazee]

Continued from the last tag: If Catholicism isn't so serious about divorce, none of my situation wouldn't happen and I will move in with my dad or either my brothers bruh 💀 I never had thought how Catholic was this bad just finding out that abuse won't stop if the other keeps continuing the cycles

(and yes, I overdid the tags around 30 lol- This is the first time I have done that far. Tbh, there's too many stories here and there going on, my boundaries were violated, self identity is gone, my faith in Catholicism died out pretty fast the moment my abusive "mother" call me as Satan because I don't want to go to Church. Sir- you're the main reason why I don't want to go, what's the point of going when I know nobody will hear my cries? I was only a child since that Satan word happened. I have untreated asthma because my dad smoke, Malaysia air pollution is also horrible and everything about it. Not only that, I have untreated neurodivergent disorders. Weird isn't it? One of my friend was in that situation and her "anger" is a form of possession, her parents brought her to Father Y (keeping it anonymous) and whatever he did to her is back to normal.)

It's no wonder why we never had any caring loving parents, they're too inflicted with their ego and blinded with their version of God. Everything makes sense to me because I was an innocent child around the age of 7 years old. I got forced to grow up and here I am, lazy, have untreated adhd and odd, my anger is still seen as bad to my narcissistic "mother" because she thinks that's bad for her version of "Catholicism". I never thought I stopped believing the faith in it so fast

Surprisingly, I am still alive despite my desire to kill myself but I'm guessing I found coping mechanism which I find it as hobbies or rather, dream careers. Music save me, anime save me and now.... Sherlock Holmes saved me too.

I have watched plenty family anime genre that focuses on "no parents", having siblings made me feel emotional at best, I don't relate to sisterly relationship but only brothers specifically. I like it because it's complex, I like it because they're overprotective to each other and I like it more if the brothers have one little sister... That alone will make me feel complete after all.

My parents are no perfect human being but if only they didn't throw their humanity away, I wouldn't be saying no's from the polls by now. Why does showing genuine love is bad? I just wanted to feel safe ffs! Why can my brothers able to do it but my parents couldn't? It's unfair, my "mom" birthed me because they wanted an actual daughter from blood, not adoption! My dad loves me but he thinks I wanted the money, even though I didn't ask for it when I turned 7 years old! What do I want personally and needed the most? Love. Just love. I don't want extravagant gifts, expensive dining or anything material related, give me love and it's even.

If my brother ever says what's wrong, I'm going to tell him everything. Not with communication and speaking, just the words of writing then I can be able to say it out loud. I have dream to become a singer, I might as well make my own lyrics based on my experiences. It's such an tiny hope that I'm still holding on and yet, I do wanted to live perhaps...

[papirouge]

You said you studied fashion, have you seen how fashion cycles in a circle and how trends have influenced bodies? I noticed how so many younger girls (I think young gen z and older gen alpha specific) are open about wanting to see more anorexia in modeling now. Not healthier, fit or anything but the total opposite

I remember watching the Victoria’s Secret show as a kid, then the models years later coming out to talk about how they were starving themselves and the abuse they endured from that company because the ceo was friends with Epstein. Now I see young girls idolizing those models when they were younger and suffering but they also “looked good” so that suffering doesn’t matter to them. I had to hear my younger sister say that she wants to see “more bones” on the runway. She got yelled at by our mom and had to be hospitalized for her eating disorders before in the past. It’s horrific because it’s like either really dark humor to cope or they’re serious and I can’t tell anymore. It’s like these girls see abuse and misogyny in fashion as something trendy (until it happens to them)

You'll probably want to kill me for that anon but I actually think VS models do look great and not at all anorexic. I bet most people hating on them are either fat or jealous. Also I think USAmericans have a very different vision of what "too skinny" looks like because you'll see a lot of women with that size in Europe (or at least in here in France). I don't understand how dramatic they are whenever they see skinny women and start projecting all sort of pathology onto them to cope with them looking like they do. Sometimes....people just naturally have a great body (based on today modern standard of what looks "good") and that's it. There's nothing to explain or "clock" about it. Anyone trying to do so sounds pressed (and fat).

What actually concerns me is how fast those body trend come & go. Sure, they always existed, but back in the day, they stayed at least a decade...but I feel like the BBL craze was only a few years ago.. You can remove a corset - you can't remove the fat or whatever nasty stuff you pumped under your skin.....

My body shape/size is between the 2 models on the front and I'm far from being sick or underweight. Sure VS models have a mad diet because having a toned body demands a LOT of work (more than anorexia because bones are just....there - while muscles have to be maintained continuously) but this doesn't necessarily constitute evidence for ED.

You also have to keep in mind that most runway models are extremely young. They're 13-16 years old which means they still have their "girl body" where their hips have not popped out yet, their legs disproportionately longer than the rest of the body, and have yet to get their adult female fat. That's why the fashion industry is intrinsically pedophile. They want models with girls body, not women's body. I'll never forget (or forgive) Dries von Noten opening one of his show with a 14 yo model with a NAKED BUST for a collection called "Forbidden Fruit"...... - those pedo gay moids running this industry know what they're doing....

VS is much healthier in comparison, because I see (beautiful) women - not little girl playing women.

Now, I'm not saying ED is not a huge problem in the fashion industry but those girls wouldn't get scouted/hired if they don't already have that modelesque body, okay? Model agencies are not Weight Watchers they want the model body NOW. Do you think of all those girls were anorexic to being with...?nope, that's just how they were naturally built. I think ED is more prevalent in models with longer career that are starting to get their female adult body (more body fat, hips, etc) and try to compete with those younger models with that girl body.

I think the pro ana community never died and always been there somehow but with the return of skinny culture I guess they're gonna be on the spotlight again. Your mom is based for snapping at your little sis lol I would have done the same. This may just be a phase though ; anorexic girls seek for control and community ship and those pro ana community -beside their toxicity- can be a solace for girls trying to find a place for themselves and minds alike.

[synonymouswithanonymous]

😂😂😂

Another long one. Please skip if uninterested! Never expect anyone to read. 😊😊😊 edited to add, I hope no one feels like I'm referring to the whole fandom. I'm not, it should be clear but just in case it isn't. 😊 when I use "you or they" I'm referring to a specific type of haters.

"yet our assumptions keep being proven right."

Now that's comedy. 😂😂😂

Literally not one single assumption has been proven correct about his GF Johanne M. Mostly I've seen delusional ridiculous dehumanizing hate For both of them, and jokes. But nothing about body language or their relationship has been proven, other than they say they love each other and live together. Lol that's literally the only actual facts we know. Oh and he's planning to propose too. 😂😊😊😊 they go on dates. facts just exist, interpretations or wishing misery aren't facts.

And also things he's mentioned years ago in interviews aren't assumptions (including things he's mentioned again recently, adhd a few times on podcasts years ago). Everything else regarding personalities, symptoms, and motivations are still unproven assumptions.

I'll explain further an earlier post And I'll put it more plainly. It's wrong imo, to diagnose people with disorders, extra disorders or symptoms, they may or may not have. Just bc your experience with a disorder includes xyz characteristics FOR YOU does not make it true for everyone on a vastly wide spectrum. It's not only wrong to do so but armchair psychology is just ridiculous. He is not a carbon copy of your projections or experiences. Your experiences with disorders or people with disorders, doesn't dictate anyone else's experience. Just bc you don't like her or hate her, doesn't mean she has *insert disorder you use to insult her here.* the same goes for him. Also disorders are real, they are not insults. People that have disorders are not "bad" people just bc they have a disorder.

Sidenote please reference my post on Body language (you said you were reading😜, always surprised lol), real professors with PhDs say it's not real. Bc no one humans behavior or intent can be deciphered by body language. Too many variables with personality, possible disorders, and the simple fact all people are different. Even with similarities, not everything is typical or presents the same. What I'm saying is you can't read an article or watch crime videos and then suddenly claim you know what you're talking about when humans are very complex and body language isn't a real thing. Edited to add, you can interpret people you know in real life, bc you know them, their history, how they react, but not strangers. And they are both strangers to us all. You can read people you come into physical contact with, or whether or not a dark alley feels right or not, but a stranger through the screen on instagram? That's just ridiculous, delusional and irrational.

Now I've always said I hope in real life you're not as you are online. I don't know you so I can't judge you, I don't know what made you act this way online. I won't make assumptions about your life or call you evil. It's not my thing to judge or demonize. I haven't ever dehumanized anyone and don't intend to. I've also generally tried to refrain from labeling people as crazy, bc I don't think it's right and denigrates real illnesses to brush it off with such a callow dismissive word. But pointing out that these delusions arise at least partly, from jealousy is just common sense. It ALL stems from AHA, no other source for the hate towards her can be found. All objections are based on what you think he would/should want. Just like former hate for Fanny, the origin of it was him. The same ridiculous hate. If you're not a jealous person then this strangers choice wouldn't bother you at all. You'd say meh, and move on bc he doesn't affect your daily life. But seeing that you (six people or less my guess) find nothing wrong in disturbing, delusional, and jealous content/behaviour over a celeb and his celeb GF, then I guess it's just who you are. Sorry. I feel mean saying it, but if this is how you act towards a stranger bc you're anonymous and can get away with it....you come across as no better than a middle school bully. So you might be one but I hope not.

I will always maintain that the people that know him and her in real life are the best judges for their characters, bc they actually know them. It's highly unlikely that everyone's (friends/fam/AHA) people reader Radar is off, that's a whole lot of people to discount bc it doesn't fit the narrative you want it to fit. It's ridiculous. Just like continuously going after his mother bc she likes her too.

Putting this here bc I felt like responding! 😊😊😊 sorry to anyone that reads for the length.

[ssstardust3001]

Personal log: So, in order to transfer, I had to have an up to date physical...How was I supposed to know that my organs are on the wrong side??? I only find this out now at age 30 and from a Vulcan doctor who was really fascinated with my weirdly mirrored organs. Nothing is wrong with them, they're just on the wrong side. So fuck me if I need a transplant or anything I guess.

I feel bad for whoever the main doctor, Chief Medical Officer, is aboard the ship who has to worry about my fucked up mirrored organs. Should I tell them? Will it be in my file?? I'm supposed to wear a medical bracelet. Which I have on right now...Good luck to any doctor.

I also have yet to meet the captain of the ship I was transferred to, and I hope to keep it that way for a few business days so I can mentally prepare myself. Though if we meet earlier, I just hope I won't embarrass myself. Hell, I have yet to make contact with really anyone as a colleague and crewmate. I will keep this log updated.

I hope they don't mind my lack of eye contact and just general complete weirdness. Ugh...this is why I have no friends, well no one I'd consider a friend. I'm not a social butterfly, I'm more of a reclusive moth who has a social anxiety disorder. I want to make friends, I really do, but people, humans especially, scare me. They're as volatile as I can be, but still often better restrained.

[He groans in frustration.]

No one wanted anything to do with me after I sent someone to the hospital in the Academy after Izzy died. They started it! Said shit they weren't supposed to. They then hit first, called me a damn slur too, but then played victim and were all like, "oh, woe is me". It still makes my blood boil to think of that little lousy motherfucker. Damn waste of oxygen that plants worked so hard to produce. He ended up dropping because it was too hard for him academically, kept partying, never studied, and I know there are people out there who think I made him drop, that I bullied him out of Starfleet.

[His voice is raising as his temper flairs.]

If I wanted to bully him, if I had bullied him, I would have made sure his life slowly became a miserable hell where he had no one to blame but himself. He would have actually suffered instead of getting a damn slap on the wrist because his dear daddy is some important Admiral. He's so lucky I held back when fighting him...I could have killed him. Fuck, I wanted to. I really wanted to, but...something held me back. I...don't really know what it was exactly. I know it wouldn't have been the thought of disappointing my dad, fuck him.

So, what was it?

........

[His voice is soft now, sad]

You know...

I wonder if I'd be better off socially if I had been raised by my mother, if I'd be better adjusted, a better son, not a lonely disappointment. She had to have been disappointed deep down when meeting me for the first time. I...don't know how she wouldn't have been...She was beautiful, regal, restrained... just everything I'm not.

I don't always know why I do things...why I fight people, why I'm so petty, so damn turbulent at times... People don't always know what to make of me because I'm supposed to be quiet and proper and unemotional, repressed, but they treat me like nitroglycerine -- dynamite as soon as I open my mouth. [He sighs heavily, dramatically.]

Ooooh, Mordred...

[He then snorts softly, but sighs again.]

Well...Hopefully no one on board knows of my reputation from my Academy days. Hell, what are the odds of them being from the graduating class of 2252 or the surrounding years where they could remember it?

This is a fresh new start and I hope to make the most of it by making friends. I want to make friends. I'm also hoping to improve myself somehow. I don't quite yet know how...but I want to be better, do better, feel better.