#i guess this blog is just my writing thoughts diary now lmao | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ungirthed · 7 months ago

Text

i guess i have a lot of thoughts wow. i could bombard friends with this but i'm trying to stay off twitter unless i need information on the world immediately not hrs later so i am talking to myself. journaling or blogging for you is so weird who tf are u supposed to address. i never get it right in my physical diary lmao.

what i loved the most about atla was the characters. i think this is true for a lot of media (i think i hate this word lol)...art? idk. but not always! what makes people stay for something subpar is characters i think but...

for me, besides harry potter the character, the world of HP is much much much more interesting and thought out than the characters. i wasn't as into HP as most people—and thank fucking god now. fuck that cunt—but i still loved the series at the time. however, looking back at the fic i read when i'm bored: it's much more the atmosphere created, my age at the time, and the luck jkr had with the films since young millenials grew up with that. we sensed and felt that world as the books were coming out and seeing kids who were our age or a little older to represent that. the politic of the world suffers some of the same things that atla does tho.

anyway for characterization, i think the female characters in atla, and the shackles that are less oppressing when it comes to gender and sexuality, lend to it. this is the beauty of drawing from something not set in western conceptions and legacies that bog these categories down. these are some of the best female characters i have seen for kids particularly with relationships that aren't defined by men (which is why the live action is insulting lol). at least in the way where these women, when tied to men, are trying to remove those shackles and prove themselves.

but i can't laud any bullshit conception of pre western colonialism. the much less controlling, paternal, religious way of monitoring gender. the "morality or culture police" aka dai li are this function. the idea of laws steeped in "what is right" "what one must do". that is not exclusively western. conceptions of personhood emerge for ordering. man/woman may not existed but there was passive (vagina) and active (penis) then dredges (poor, "sexual deviants" on a skewed gender pattern who are poor).

obviously the oppression via gender was present, because it has to be, because the ordering of the world....imperialism is the contradiction. race-class (non un-tangleable but we can't call this [racial] capitalism bc they didn't live in capitalism but still trash. feudalism, slavery, etc). colonialism doesn't magically just appear and terrorize. it preys off of existing ills and wants. so the systems are there—the books writing about the freedoms one supposedly had and the differences one supposedly had before we were conquered is too easy.

still, i think having its own jumping point for gender and subsequently sexuality (non specific as to what that jumping point is) facilitates knowing women qua women. kiyoshi is so fucking cool and i wish i had more with her. i may read the books because i love everything about what she stood for even though she's deeply misunderstood which is why i think i love mai. excited to think about that more.

and even if you don't necessarily connect with these women—i struggled with azula because i think writing her was too easy because of the problems i'm going to think about more and i definitely struggled with katara but that is written in and because i identify with her and admire her immensely—

tangent: the bravery of these kids is insane. watching it i was like they are so fearless, so brave, so understanding of discipline and sacrifice. so human. i want to harness that. in their world death is hard, it is awful, it is sould-wrenching, but they know the meaning of life. in their world fighting, arrests, imprisonment are prices they pay for fighting. it is normal and the reason is because they know this is struggle and the more normalized struggle becomes, the more they can rely on each other, the less scared they are. they are comfortable with danger (and mischief heh) and that is so fucking important and valuable. also their attempts at self-governing and anarchic-communal living and ways of interacting. but anywho..

the fire nation girlies rship is very true to how women will interact esp from that environment. it's expected of them to have this clash and it's insulting when people believe those clashes are over boys and men. they can be but they aren't. only time that was defined was when meng called katara a floozy which i actually disliked. it was fine in terms of funny haha if i was 11 (which i was at the time lmao) but even back then i'd be like wtf. to be fair i was very very very willful over being a girl growing up because uhhhh patriarchy. that's not to say women or anyone else are off the hook. never lol. and we are allowed to be annoying.

another thing is they don't want these girls to be "just as" like men. their conceptions are shallow bc the world has told us that's what feminism is but it doesn't suffer from as much bullshit bc of their attempts at self-governing and fashioning. of resistance via respect, support, camraderie, disagreement, tension, and love. azula shows what happens when you try that bullshit.

From Ursula K. Leguin's (anarchist queehn) 1983 Mills College commencement speech:

I know there are men graduating, and I don’t mean to exclude them, far from it. There is a Greek tragedy where the Greek says to the foreigner, “If you don’t understand Greek, please signify by nodding.” Anyhow, commencements are usually operated under the unspoken agreement that everybody graduating is either male or ought to be. That’s why we are all wearing these twelfth-century dresses that look so great on men and make women look either like a mushroom or a pregnant stork. Intellectual tradition is male. Public speaking is done in the public tongue, the national or tribal language; and the language of our tribe is the men’s language. Of course women learn it. We’re not dumb. If you can tell Margaret Thatcher from Ronald Reagan, or Indira Gandhi from General Somoza, by anything they say, tell me how. This is a man’s world, so it talks a man’s language. The words are all words of power. You’ve come a long way, baby, but no way is long enough. You can’t even get there by selling yourself out: because there is theirs, not yours. [...] The war-games world wasn’t made by us or for us*; we can’t even breathe the air there without masks. And if you put the mask on you’ll have a hard time getting it off. So how about going on doing things our own way, as to some extent you did here at Mills? Not for men and the male power hierarchy — that’s their game. Not against men, either — that’s still playing by their rules. But with any men who are with us: that’s our game. Why should a free woman with a college education either fight Machoman or serve him? Why should she live her life on his terms? I hope you live without the need to dominate, and without the need to be dominated. I hope you are never victims, but I hope you have no power over other people. And when you fail, and are defeated, and in pain, and in the dark, then I hope you will remember that darkness is your country, where you live, where no wars are fought and no wars are won, but where the future is. Our roots are in the dark; the earth is our country. Why did we look up for blessing — instead of around, and down? What hope we have lies there. Not in the sky full of orbiting spy-eyes and weaponry, but in the earth we have looked down upon. Not from above, but from below. Not in the light that blinds, but in the dark that nourishes, where human beings grow human souls.

this whole speech is amazing. she's wrong on the "it wasn't made for us" because it was but that's a complex thing and she's white so. also one of my fav lines from zuko is when he tells aang he will fail. it was helpful even if the characters didn't think so. it was helpful, extremely so, and even to me at 32. the idea of failure kills me. my favorite quote on that intensity is "the only penalty for failure is death". zuko knows failure. he's a failson lol and we will always know it. but that is ok. failure is a part of life. it isn't' to be despaired. try it again. and again. and again. this is building a life. fix it. there's a quote from the show about the solution being fixing the problem. how do we fix it?

and i don't think the show could answer that completely without linking it to some otherworldly ideas of life and outsized evil. the problem with bridging real life history in media is that we-the-viewer live in the real world.

the lack of specificity of the world of atla was simply confusing. i don't know what the nations entail nor do i understand the idea of it being the world. they had to speak english obviously but i wish they had found something similar that they do with anime in establishing that there is a lingua franca—not bc of colonialism cos it would be impossible without acknowledging languages themselves and this nebulous asian world wouldn't have had that—but that there are indeed differences and limitations or what it means culturally. i think they mentioned language but not often.

for the world they made: the fire nation could be chinese or japanese (i understand they use chinese in the atla universe and i'm assuming that's bc it is the linguistic root for krn and jpns?) and if japanese it would make sense to enforce that via language. i could be getting my history wrong as i am but a humble negro with some knowledge of this wrt culture, resistance and anti-colonialism but i hope i'm in the ballpark...regardless all the resistances are the same in a good way

0 notes

iisatherapist · 1 year ago

Text

Entry 2: Libidinal? Freud's your mother!

Ok, so I wanted to write about this. Mostly cause I think there are some thoughts here that I want to process but at the same time I think I'm ashamed to pen them down. Or at least def ashamed to share them with anyone. BUT I WANT TO!

Idk if this should be in this blog, or if I should put it in my personal one. Idk. We'll see. Hopefully future me won't share it with anyone.

Ok, so today I want to talk about my first patient with libidinal transference.

When I first started at the clinic in 2021, I was assigned a male patient who was my age. In fact a little older. And with all the issues I have had/been having in my love life I was worried I would be attracted to him/he me. But I think with the way things were. Super professional, both adults, it wasn't even close to an issue. The closest we got to something strange was him saying "I want to date a girl with brown hair who is tall like 5'8" and I was like haha ok that's it.

Well it's not it lol. Maybe this is the thing working with adolescent boys, maybe a thing working with Afghan adolescent boys. But I have a client at the IRC that has a crush on me. I think I struggled to admit it to begin with cause it's weird. But also I think a small part of me was kinda... happy? Idk I know it's weird and I feel pulled to be like I'm not a pedophile. But am I? Idk I don't think so. I checked the DSM. It isn't that I am attracted to him, though he is a cute boy (gosh lol why am I saying this) but like in a if I was 10 years younger I could see it (him being cute I mean). Or a "I'm sure all the girls have a crush on you" kinda way. He's very shy. and I am obviously a woman who takes care of him and talks to him about intimate things. It's like dear zindagi. He is also from a conservative culture where you don't have such close relationships with people of the opposite gender.

Idk. But yeah it's kinda strange to me to talk about. To be a "sexual object" as Monica said. To be an adolescent boy's fantasy oh god that is so strange to type. But also I mean I know he's so correct and I know he wouldn't DO anything. But yeah.

Idk a part of me is flattered I guess that's what it is. With all my issues I'm glad someone has a crush on me? Lol idk. Or maybe this is healing my inner child. It is just weird to think about counter transference I suppose. Or maybe it's the fact I never actually thought I'd get here.

It's interesting how connection can feel? Maybe I'm intellectualizing. But I felt it with a previous patient too. He was so pretty. That one was 18 though lol. But it wasn't in again "erotic" way. Just in a idk. The thing is as I write about this, I think about how there is this maternal feeling that comes up too. Like I want to take care of you, I want to make you soup, tell you everything is going to be ok and we'll get through it. Like for both of them. Like I want/can feel that thing of being a teen boy mom, where it's like you're kinda in love with your son. You know? Like a my son is the most handsomest boy in the entire world. But also like he's my son lol. Idk what that means for me.

It's really this intersection. I wonder if other mothers feel it. LOL "other mothers." Can't even get a date and I'm a mom. Maybe lol. Idk what I was gonna say- oh wait yes, maybe Freud was onto something.

Anyway today "my son" when confronted with why he was being so informal with me (using the informal you) said I changed the way I was acting lol. I was being frank with him, he said "like a friend not like a doctor" I was acting like a friend. Earlier I was so serious and now I'm not. Lol typical projection. But he was so laughy. It was cute. Idk like I said I don't hate being crushed on. Like more for my person diary maybe about how I don't like it for others. But also Monica keeps saying "ofc he has a crush on you you're beautiful" and I'm like oh god Monica lmao.

Anyway, he's upset I'm leaving, and he got informal after that, possibly cause I am leaving- did the whole "tussi ja rahe ho, tussi na jao" thing very cute, very sweet. Again, I like being the teacher that is crushed on, makes me feel cool and hype. And yeah I want to look attractive, not for 15 year old boys lol but just in general. It's been interesting to keep this all in my head lol. But I think I got a bit of clarity.

It's nice to be the teacher the kids have a crush on. And it's interesting to be a teen boy mom.

Attachment is so interesting is it not?

Anyway, all for now.

5/26/23

0 notes

preemshots · 4 years ago

Text

johnny + the nomads lore

alright, i know this is a screenshots blog but i'm going to go ahead and start dropping some juicy lore tidbits as i dig them up. part of what i'm doing outside of just photo diarying is shard hunting, and BOY is there a lot the game likes to hide in those little shards for idiots like me who like to read so we can write unnecessarily accurate fanfiction!

full disclosure, i know jack shit about the TTRPG/cyberpunk 2020 rulebook except what i read in the wikis.

so here’s my lore roundup so far of everything i know about johnny joining the nomads

we know johnny likes to narrate v’s quest objectives. here’s the first mention where he says it himself:

during the voodoo boys quest "transmission" there's a shard in the maglev tunnels beside the ice bath, presumably from brigitte's research into johnny in the first place:

okay, so the timeline is this: johnny joins the nomads after trying and failing to rescue alt. johnny hides out in the badlands for some years. then he and rogue come back to night city and nuke arasaka tower help alt escape the arasaka subnet by uploading liberator to their network once and for all.

this ultimately makes sense. in alt’s flashback, we meet santiago, who is a nomad/connected to nomads, joins rogue and johnny when they're trying to get alt back, and eventually becomes the leader of the aldecaldos.

part of santiago’s TTRPG lore is that he, johnny, and rogue have to lay low in the badlands with nomads after they storm arasaka headquarters (i am aware the game takes many liberties with the original lore so who knows the full accuracy of anything from the original rulebooks)

ENDING spoilers: in the rogue+johnny storming AHQ ending, it's revealed that rogue has a son while they're prepping for the job. if you eavesdrop on her calling him while you're at the afterlife, you hear her tell her son to (paraphrasing here) "pull over and look at the stars", which immediately made my brain go to: nomad, badlands, santiago = dad? maybe. (santiago also canonically has a son according to the TTRPG lore)

this immediately reminded me of another interesting shard that i believe you can find in multiple locations around night city: “"what REALLY happened in arasaka tower?“

i love this dang shard. at first i thought it was just a cute conspiracy with some juicy gossip (and i love how 99% of the shards that mention johnny in this game are reminding us that he's not a real rebel, he's a poser) but it brings some interesting shit together

one: it tells us where johnny got his hands on the nukes! he and the nomads jumped a militech convoy and jacked some bombs!

which is never directly explained, even as saburo arasaka is interrogating him shortly before using soulkiller. very nice of johnny to protect his homies like that.

...or maybe he didn’t. saburo emphasizes that the dead don’t lie like the living do, and we don’t know what exactly arasaka did to johnny’s construct in mikoshi.

it also explains why the obvious media narrative is that militech nuked arasaka, a nice neat political bow to the end of the fourth corpo wars, which is an entire section of the TTRPG lore that makes my eyes cross when i read it.

it also makes the star/nomads ending extremely interesting, because i originally believed it was the ending where V’s journey deviates the most from rewalking johnny’s path... which also has weird implications if the johnny’s nomad era is being kept from v.

(this also leads into my belief that the star ending/the devil ending are narratively two sides of the same coin, but that’s a WHOLE ANOTHER POST for another day.)

TWO, just straight up the fact that they turned the raid where they actually obtained the nukes into an action flick BD that pretty much ANYONE could watch. who the hell was doing that??

well, who else other than the guy who johnny (optionally) punched the shit out of for filming alt's death: thompson, media guy, and according to rogue, “bad luck”. because you know, recording your crimes is straight up evidence that can be used against you.

during the alt flashback we meet thompson, and just after that in cyberspace before meeting alt, johnny tells v that he has no idea what happened to him and that they never worked together again.

oh, johnny, you lying bastard man

this is blatantly untrue, and if V even had two braincells and better memory than a goldfish they'd know this--in the first flashback sequence where johnny and rogue nuke arasaka tower, thompson is on the comms as they ride the AV towards AHQ, questioning their plans and use of violence.

which leaves me with some questions, like where the fuck is thompson, why does johnny keep lying about this, why doesn't johnny say almost anything about how you interact with the aldecaldo clan nonstop throughout the game when he himself may have been a member of the family for some time?? is he continuing to protect the nomad clan that saved his ass? we know that a lot of his flashbacks are unreliable at best, that johnny changes shit up as desired when presenting V with his memories.

in 2077, you can also find that there’s a remake of “badlands raid” in the shard “new release braindances” that is pretty much everywhere. that shard doesn’t add much, but does mention something along the lines of “many people don’t know the ending of the original” which probably means johnny punched thompson out for filming again, or something.

my running theories: rogue ditched santiago and the aldecaldos with johnny and thompson to nuke arasaka tower, and when johnny died she was stuck looking for (heavily implied by johnny here:) corpo sellout ways to survive.

adam smasher obviously has something to do with this since johnny/rogue's vendetta against the guy isn't entirely clear beyond the smokescreen of "he killed johnny and he sucks". i have done 0 research into this though i'm tired of typing okay

i obviously cannot be certain i have found everything related to this in the game as i’m not even done with this playthrough where i’m trying to pay attention, but i hope this is fun for someone else to dig into.

enjoy, fellow silverhand freaks

EDIT: additional findings

ALRIGHT I HAVE DONE MORE DIGGING AND I AM BACK WITH MORE NOMAD/JOHNNY FINDINGS. these ones are kind of a bummer but VERY interesting.

there’s a shard called “excerpts from a history of the nomads by bb pires” that goes into detail about how nomads came to be

there’s an interesting quote in it: It's hard to imagine a group less inclined to wandering than farmers, but in fact they were the ones who sparked the age of nomads. Natural catastrophes, crops ravaged by bioplagues, armed conflicts and martial law allowing corporations to speculate and privatize land - all this forced them into a life on the road.

when you ask johnny why he wants to take down arasaka, he begins by referencing this himself!!

it’s a little awkward to imagine a nomad V doesn’t also know what he’s referencing, but hey, V is the fool because we are as players and that’s only one life path... so sure.

johnny also has unique dialogue during this scene about a nomad origin V, telling them that he’s been trying to understand how V thinks, and came to the conclusion that “their family was a crutch” and essentially made them stupid because they always had a safety net (lmao johnny calling v privileged basically)

BUT this also may reference why johnny would find it confusing as hell that V doesn’t immediately share the views he does when nomads, in terms of values, seem to be more aligned with johnny than V is. but once again V is the fool for a reason and this is all my own speculation so YOU KNOW.

MORE IMPORTANTLY, at the end of chippin’ in, when you ask johnny what he meant by letting down his friends... santiago is named directly

i thought this was interesting since the only glimpse of their relationship that we get is seeing johnny meeting santiago via the alt flashback for the first time.

so now it’s obvious that while johnny and rogue were with the nomads their friendship developed, and johnny went on to disappoint santiago in some way by being his normal dickhead self

but HOW? how did he disappoint santiago? is santiago even still alive?? did smasher kill santiago and is this why rogue mentions during chippin’ in that she wants smasher to “settle a score” moreso than avenge johnny??

the only additional hints i have are from this shard, which you can find at the aldecaldos camp: “nomads at ground zero”

i’m just gonna transcribe here and bold for emphasis:

It was no secret that Night Corp offered generous pay and, in some cases, free cyberware and biomonitor upgrades to anyone willing to help clean up the crater of radioactive rubble at AHQ ground zero. Some firsthand accounts recall the incessant ticking of Geiger counters, like the loud buzz of cicadas in summer. In retrospect, we can only guess how many "crater cleaners" lost their lives to radiation sickness shortly thereafter. Both the city government and Night Corp have claimed casualties were kept to a minimum, while providing no official statistics to substantiate the claim. That being said, they have never been under pressure to release such figures. After all, most rescue, engineering, and rubble cleanup teams were not local Night Citizens, but nomads. Surprised you didn't know? Don't be. It is a fact many history courses tend to overlook. The city employed hundreds of nomad mercenaries, primarily from clans in Aldecaldo nation. These nomads were hungry for gainful work and the city needed experts who were not only experienced but brave enough to knowingly put their lives on the line - all so Arasaka could one day erect another tower in its place. But history is not without its sense of irony. These nomads, who so deliberately live outside our so-called "system," came to its very rescue. Not for the first time. And not for the last.

a main theme we find in this game is the idea that the system of corps and exploitation cannot be stopped by grandiose rebellious gestures--no amount of samurai songs, assassinating mayors, or even planting nukes in towers will change things. yet johnny, his friends and mercs at atlantis in the 2020s, including rogue, chose to rebel any way they could, thinking it better than not. johnny criticizes her lack of rebellious spirit CONSTANTLY in 2077.

but ultimately, johnny, trapped in mikoshi, didn’t get to see the outcome of what detonating the AHQ nukes did to night city’s fragile ecosystem. rogue, however, did--and likely watched their former allies, the aldecaldos, be forced to take dangerous work at AHQ’s ground zero (from lack of other opportunities as detailed in this shard), then die from radiation sickness throughout the following decades, all as a result of what she and johnny did to try and fight the system. and she also watched all the former mercenaries of atlantis be hunted down by arasaka.

so rogue sees firsthand what the cost of rebellion is and johnny doesn’t. and nomads, considered the most free of any of the factions we encounter in the game, are the cost.

#lore post #johnny silverhand #cyberpunk 2077 #cyberpunk2077 #cp2077 #cyberpunk lore

180 notes · View notes

atopearth · 3 years ago

Text

Collar X Malice: Unlimited Part 7 - Adonis Route

Honestly, I find the way Ichika joined Zero's side to be pretty iffy even back then in the original game, so I kinda hoped something like Kazuki dying would have changed here but I guess not.. I feel sorry for Kazuki that they reconciled but she still ended up joining Adonis alongside Akito, it must be a pretty big shock having to deal with that. (EDIT: guess he is gone..) Ichika being at the top and training people in marksmanship and stuff is very interesting lol. She looks all right with short hair but yeah, I agree with Zero, I liked the long hair more. Anyway, Zero wants her to find out if there's a traitor amongst them before the next X-Day (since the one 2 years ago failed) in 30 days. Anyway, it seems like you go through each of the Adonis' executors' stories so that's interesting. I'm just going to go from the ones I least like to the ones I like the most haha, and then leave Mikuni for last I guess. Well, Hana's story first then~

Kobayashi Hana

I guess Hana is as bright as ever. I quite enjoy seeing her try and dress Ichika up and make her cuter lol. On the other hand, seeing her mercilessly cut through that panda cake was pretty hilarious. One thing I enjoyed insight into was hearing that Hana has been avoiding going to Isshiki's concerts to avoid causing any trouble to them with the police just in case they come to crash it because of her or something. Honestly, I was pretty impressed. Like, she's always been pretty selfish, and she's always prioritised her love for Isshiki above everything, but to see that she could stop herself to protect him was nice in its own way. Even though she's a pretty ruthless killer, and even though she's obsessed with Isshiki, I guess she does think things through a bit so that Isshiki won't ever have to suffer because of her. Hmm Ichika seemed to reminisce about Kazuki, does that mean he died? Anyway, these investigations are short? Are they really just segments of story for Ichika to become friends with each person? Lol. I mean, Ichika literally did nothing but talk about random stuff with Hana lol. I actually find it rather endearing that Hana and Ichika can fight so openly about their feelings and understand that they actually do want the best for each other, it's kinda nice how they became good friends under such circumstances.

Soda Manabu

Honestly, I kinda wish we could just pick one character and continue until the investigation completes because it's sooo annoying having to press on each one like 7 times just to get a couple of lines of story each time Zzz. Anyway, gotta admit Ichika is pretty judgmental towards Soda, and actively tries to "fix" him and thinks what he does is "wrong", which is pretty annoying tbh. Just because she doesn't understand games, she thinks it's useless to Adonis, and then judges him for his eating habits? Lol. Anyway, at least she tried playing his game though lol, and even got lessons from him haha. I see, I can understand why Ichika would go to Zero for "revenge" but not sure about the "sadness" thing if that's what she's going for tbh. Losing Yanagi, Enomoto, Shiraishi, Okazaki and Kazuki is a big hit and I can understand it shattering her world, but going to Adonis is basically breeding everything that killed everyone important to her. Anyway, Sasazuka's pained voice telling Ichika not to go to Adonis really hurt. I'm sure he's really hurting over the fact he didn't notice the weapons that ended up killing everyone, alongside survivor's guilt of being the only one who survived out of the group, and then now not even being able to stop Ichika from going over to the other side.. It's painful to see. Anyway, lmao, Soda is probably a tamer little brother than Kazuki. His words are harsh but you can tell he only talks like that to protect himself, so any time he swears, I don't bother taking him seriously, he's a hurt little kid. It's cute how Ichika mixed his hated eggplants into the gratin and he didn't even notice, but he ate the whole thing happily🤣 He's so adorable lmao, especially when his face went red and he told her he'd eat her stuff again (even though she shouldn't hear it), and then he ran off🤣

It seems like Soda regrets his actions much more than I initially thought. He was able to get revenge, but now he's even more scared of death because of what he had done, and now he's just in this never-ending cycle of fear, needing to have Zero's power to protect himself, doing his bidding so that he won't die, but at the same time being so scared of his life that the only time he probably feels "safe" is when he plays his games. I love how happy he was when Ichika gave him a SS tier rare item and he put it on, locked it and kept it in a special box🤣 That's so cuteee. Definitely enjoyed Soda's mini part more than I thought hahaha, he's such a cute little kid, which makes it kinda sad lol. Soda blowing up and getting mad at Ichika for playing solo and saying she didn't need connections when she made him realise he wanted to start building connections because of her was really...heartwarming. Soda gave up on people and a lot of things thinking that he could never have them because that's how it was considering how people are, but he changed his mind after Ichika so insistently barged into his life, and now to say that it's practically useless would be extremely hurtful to him. I was really impressed with Soda, and I'm happy that he even told Ichika that she can rely on him more, he's such a sweet boy🥲

Uno Suzune

Lmaooo poor Shion, the woes of a big brother. I found it hilarious how Suzune would give him the green peas she doesn't like even though Shion hates them too, definitely something siblings would do🥲 I superrrr agree with Suzune about handwriting diaries instead of writing a blog! I mean, I have both obviously, but I definitely have different feelings when I read my blog and when I read my writing in my diary. Through my blog, I can easily read my exact thoughts and get to the gist of what I'm talking about, but with my diary, I can see stuff like when I started getting tired of writing, when I felt like changing my pen, and a lot of other feelings that can't be seen or portrayed properly in a typed blog, and yes, the memories of me writing all this usually comes back better when I've written it, mainly because I either say it in the entry or because I can actually remember sitting there and putting time into writing about my life/day.

Guess Suzune's pretty yandere for her brother if any kind of possible romantic interest from Ichika gets her other self to come out and threaten her about it lol. Anyway, it's cute how she’s starting to kinda think of Ichika as a big sister. Suzune willingly taking Ichika to Shion and calling Ichika Chi-chan is probably the biggest improvement you can get considering she could stab you as the worst case hahha. Well, Suzune was definitely cuter than I thought and seeing her so vulnerable, shy but wanting to protect Shion and getting out of her shell for him was sweet. Are there endings for each executor? Well, anyway, Suzune saying she would be sad if anything happened to Ichika was really sweet.

Sugawara Rika

Lmao, I forgot Sugawara is obsessed with Zero, this is going to be fun I guess. It's kinda funny that getting a 50,000 yen strawberry entices her lol, I'm surprised Zero approved it as an expense, like dang, can I have one too, I'm curious lol. Lmao when Sugawara wanted to keep the strawberries as a memento instead of eating it😂 She should have been convinced when Ichika said it'll become a part of her hahahah. LOL when Sugawara started lecturing Ichika about dressing better in front of Zero, and then tried to get her makeup to make her look better, but then Ichika runs away😂

Okay, I loved the girls dress up night with Hana, Ichika and Sugawara. It was so funny how they started arguing about what Ichika should wear and then became fast enough friends to recommend each other stuff and then wear it for fun. I loveee that they had a CG for their new outfits because they're all so pretty, I love them! I think Hana's is my favourite because it's so simple but cute in a different way from her usual. I guess it's kinda cute how in Hana's investigation, Hana focuses on Ichika's clothing fashion, but Sugawara takes it further or I guess mainly focuses on skincare, makeup and haircare haha. I guess it's nice that Sugawara is definitely much more open about standing up for herself and other women when it comes to men who try to objectify them or think of them as "lesser". She's become stronger. I think it's kinda sad to see that amongst all the other happy mini endings with the other executors, Rika's one with Ichika is actually pretty sad because it was through them bonding that Rika noticed Ichika's true intentions of revenge, and that's why they can never truly see eye-to-eye and be friends.

Ogata Tomoki

I guess I didn't expect Ogata to be the type to go to batting cages, but I even more didn't expect him to reserve sweets to make sure he can get them hahaha! It's nice that he enjoys wagashi though, I definitely should have tried it when I went to Japan, but I completely forgot😭 Aww, Ogata had such a sweet daughter! Whenever his wife wasn't looking, she would eat his hated tomatoes for him! Such a kind kid😭 I've never heard of monaka before, so I googled it and they look nice!! Kinda like an ice cream sandwich but not with ice cream and has red bean paste and other stuff inside I guess? I would totally eat it. Lmaoo at Ichika's impression of the typical salaryman😂😂 It's true though, I can't imagine Ogata going home to watch comedy shows with a beer in his hand🤣 Aww it was so cute how Ogata did an impersonation of a character in a drama because he got so used to doing it for his daughter. But lmao at Ichika though, telling him what he can improve on since Adonis might have end of the year parties he could use it for, imagine a bunch of terrorists partying for something so normal like the end of the year hahah😂😂

It's actually really sad how Ogata feels like he can't be a father anymore because he knows that he prioritises his current ideals and dreams more than his daughter. And I guess considering how long they've been separated and how much he has changed, it would probably feel awkward to try and be a normal father, but I guess at least through Ichika's encouragement, he's willing to try and reply to his daughter's letter of wanting to meet him. I think the reason why I've always liked Ogata is because he doesn't regret his actions. Like, he knows that he's killed people and that's why he doesn't want to see his family and get them involved with what he's doing right now, because he knows the gravity of his actions. But at the same time, his hatred for Fujii, the police and the whole mistaken arrest that led to such injustice for him and changed his whole perspective on life is something he can't let go of, and that's why it led him to Adonis and to fulfill his "new" ideals. He knows it's a path that will not necessarily have a "good ending" but he's willing to sacrifice everything for it, and I think that's what makes me attracted to his character. Anyway, LMAO at how insistent Ichika was on seeing young Ogata with a buzzcut playing baseball, absolutely hilarious when she was ready to tie him up with a rope and search his room😂😂 It's pretty sad to see that Ogata wanted to be like Isshiki and save people with his justice without faltering in this cruel world but he just wasn't able to do it because hatred was what fuelled him to move forward and not forgiveness or hope. But I'm glad he encouraged Ichika to listen to Isshiki's song and hear Kazuki's guitar, because seeing Ichika show her emotions again, even if just a little bit was nice...

Uno Shion

Aww, it's cute how much Shion cares about Suzune, but also so cute how he's embarrassed to say he likes chocolate🤣 It's nice that he's more cooperative than Suzune I guess hahaha. I never expected Shion to like to paint though, that's interesting. Anyway, it's pretty sad to think that the "outside world" was much more unforgiving to the Uno siblings, and that it was only after they joined this terrorist organisation did they get to feel safe and secure that they have shelter and food without people going crazy on them. In that sense, it's understandable how much more comfortable Adonis would be for them. Aww Shion and Suzune getting excited over a chocolate cake is so adorable. Them saving up to buy a home for themselves is so heartwarming, it makes me really want to cheer for them. I'm dying from how cute they are trying to feed Ichika the chocolate cake too because they really like her and think she's really kind like their mother was before. Shion buying a cheese tart for both Ichika and Suzune was sweet, she's like a part of his thought process when buying stuff for his sister hahaha. Lol when he just shoved it into her mouth instead of giving it to her like a normal person🤣 Lmaoo when Shion drew a portrait of Ichika stuffing herself with cheese tart🤣 To think that Shion was so serious about drawing that he's actually thinking about a future with it after the X-Day stuff..it’s so endearing.

Sera Akito

It must be difficult for both Akito and Ichika to talk to each other. Just seeing each other's faces would make them remember the past and compare it to the present, making their whole encounter just...painful to watch. It's so like Akito to hide that he dislikes shiitake mushrooms so that it wouldn't inconvenience Ichika and make her remove it from the cooking menu. Lmaooo at Akito being so scared of bugs, enough that Ichika has to call cockroaches dark fairies to make him feel more at ease🤣 I'm sure Akito must be hurting too, but his consideration for Ichika above himself really makes my heart feel so warm. Awww, my heart swooned when Akito said his ideal type was Ichika! If only there was an Akito route~ Anyway, I didn't expect Akito and Soda to really interact but lmaoo at Soda having spent millions of yen on in-game stuff, Soda is right though, gacha rates are cruel😭😭 Aww, it was so cute how honest Soda was about wanting to have defeated the boss with Akito instead of dumping him and killing it himself, since what Soda values is playing together with other people. So, Kazuki was stabbed by a guy who was influenced by Adonis into taking revenge against his bullies or something, and I guess Kazuki was killed when he tried to step in? Honestly, I feel terrible for Akito. He was already feeling doubts and guilt over getting revenge for his sister, but after experiencing Kazuki's death, he must hate his choice for joining Adonis even more than before. It honestly broke my heart to see Akito break down like that not knowing how he could atone for his sins in causing Kazuki's death. His heartwrenching screams really cut me and made me tear up from all the pain Akito must have been bottling up all this time. Akito will always be my favourite side character, I think his pain, his feelings and his emotions were portrayed so well.

Sanjo Keisuke

Aww, Sanjo's favourite food being ramen is very him, kinda hahaha. I can't imagine a 7kg bowl of ramen and having to finish that in 30 minutes😱 On the other hand, Sanjo being into arcades is kinda unexpected, lmaooo at Ichika thinking he would play the crane games😂 I didn't think about the fact that Ichika is a former cop just like him now, I wonder how he feels about that or whether he even cares😅 Lmao at Sanjo seriously answering Ichika what his type of woman is and then even describing the body shape with sound effects😂 I can't believe Ichika just tickled Sanjo and made him laugh like crazy, I would have liked to see that😆😆 I think it would have been so nice if Ogata was Sanjo's boss, I feel like their values and ideals of justice back in the day would have matched well since Sanjo probably desired something "pure" back in the day and hoped to be a part of an organisation that helped people, and Ogata was always helping people already, so they would have worked well together. It's just sad that they both got betrayed by their ideals of what the police should have been to them and others.

The idea that you can't feel any fear because you don't value your life is a pretty interesting and saddening thought. Maybe because I get that feeling sometimes. I agree with Sanjo, Zero definitely doesn't truly care about those ideals of saving the weak that he keeps spouting, he's not like Mikuni, and that's also imo the reason why Zero believes that he and Mikuni will never truly understand each other. Ichika and Sanjo eating ramen together is so cute lol.

Mikuni Rei

Lmao at Zero calling Mikuni an old man for liking fish, disliking carbonated drinks and other junk food because they're not nutritional hahaha. Otherwise, nothing much to say tbh, Mikuni has always been a rather bland character to me? I like him, but at the same time I don't because even though it's interesting to see that he actually has "noble" goals compared to Zero, the fact is that Mikuni as he himself said has been told that he's a "saviour" of sorts, and I think that really exemplifies the type of person Mikuni is. Someone who believes that he can and wants to "save" people in his own way as if he is someone above them all, but at the same time, he is very apparently flawed exactly because he is like that. He's not someone who truly understands the people "below" him and he also doesn't seem to perceive that as something that can be helped, and that's why even though his goals are "noble", he's not really noble at all. But it doesn't really change the fact that Mikuni is kind in his own way though. Mikuni eating shrimp crackers is so cute😂

Saeki Yuzuru

To be honest, I've always liked the chill policeman Saeki, and I personally think Zero likes that version of himself too. I feel like he always enjoyed just talking about stuff with Ichika during their drinking charades, and had fun visiting her. But at the same time, I feel like because of the existence of Adonis and Mikuni, Zero never really allowed his negative emotions to be "accepted" in order for him to move on, so instead it just continued piling up inside to the point of indifference towards the world and others imo. Anyway, it's sad, seeing Zero and Mikuni happily play chess together. They really look like two brothers just having fun in their own way. Hearing them say that they've been doing this since they were kids makes it all the more saddening when they realised that despite how "close" they were to each other, they never really understood each other. In a sense, I feel like in the end, both Mikuni and Zero use Adonis as a way to get the things they want and feel like it's one of the only ways they can do it? I mean, I do feel like Mikuni treasures his relationship with Zero more than Adonis or anything else, because when it comes down to it, I feel like he tries really hard to understand Zero by trying to see things from his perspective and hanging out with Ichika, the one that Zero thinks understands him best and the one Zero likes the most. On the other hand, Zero seems to use Adonis as a way for revenge of his mother and as a way to vent those emotions and scars he got, but at the same time Adonis also granted him Mikuni (a brother), and it gave him opportunities and power.

Zero definitely loves Ichika in an obsessed way, probably the only way he thinks he can love someone, since he doesn't want to become "weak" like his mother was. So if he felt anything like love, he would prefer it to be a love that would destroy him, because in a sense I think I can understand that sentiment of wanting the person you love to solely focus on yourself and no one else, whether that is hatred or whatever emotion doesn't matter, because being the entire focus of someone else's is a sort of "love" to enjoy, so I don't blame Zero for his twisted "love" lol. Especially since you can tell how much he has always enjoyed his after work beers and just chatting with Ichika. I quite enjoyed their little date walking around reminiscing the past and discovering new things they missed out on, now I really want to eat crepes🥲 The ending where Ichika kills Saeki is pretty sad though. Seeing Saeki the most relieved and happy he has ever been is probably what made me kinda happy for him though. He still sucks, but like Ichika said, I can't hate him, because it was true that he did reduce the sadness of many (whilst creating sadness for many others too though) and at the core, he was like in a sense a guy who consumed so much sadness from everywhere around him, always in pain, always sad despite his appearance, and thinking that makes it difficult for me to truly hate him.

Overall, I like the Adonis route! Initially, I was a bit sceptical whether it was really necessary and whether it would be interesting at all but I really loved bonding with all the executors. Seeing more of the human and emotional sides, seeing them warm up to Ichika and become friends with her really made me enjoy the "what could never be" part of it all. I think I especially loved Akito's because of how emotional it was tying into Kazuki and everything. But I also really enjoyed seeing the different sides of all of them. It really makes me wish Ichika got an individual route with like Akito and Sanjo and Ogata because I loveee them🥲🥲

Overall Review

I definitely enjoyed CxM: Unlimited much more than I thought I would! In the beginning, Sasazuka and Okazaki's routes kinda made me wonder whether I really wanted to continue this, but I'm so glad I got through them because I enjoyed Enomoto's, Yanagi's and Shiraishi's routes a lot! If I ranked them, I probably liked Shiraishi's the most, then Yanagi, Enomoto, Okazaki and then Sasazuka. It's definitely what I wanted in a fandisk, which is more fluffy romance and just bonding with all the guys even more, and I absolutely loveeee the potential romances with Yoshinari and Minegishi, they were so unexpectedly nice. Definitely no plot but that's okay since it's a fandisc and I think it fulfilled really well what its goal was when it comes to more romance in the story haha. 8/10! I'm definitely going to miss the characters, I'm so attached to Enomoto and them lol.

#collar x malice unlimited

21 notes · View notes

arinlangdon · 3 years ago

Text

reactions again. i have a lot to say and there’s nowhere better to dump it all than my online blog which i treat as a stream-of-consciousness public diary/liveblog of my love affair with this fictional character.

episode 7

ah yes, the memory headaches are back, sooner than ever. i hope this means FMC will be regaining her memories sooner in this route too. i think it would be more interesting to see her navigate a route while remembering everything about her life from before, for multiple reasons. after all, every route ended with that, so far, and we didn’t explore much about what that means. the route that centers on 2/3 of the triad seems like the perfect opportunity to do so.

so Arin used to have panic attacks, confirmed? precious anxiety baby

love the Humpty Dumpty bit

i love how they reference giving her the moon again. “I gave it to you, and it’ll ground you” and it’s a secret between her and them how they did it. augh, too romantic. (also, blush count for this set: 1)

��Yikes, do you even sleep?” i ask myself this every day, Jackie. does Arin ever use that plush-looking bed? a mystery for the ages. she’s right though, Arin is far too busy for their own good. they know everything except for the meaning of the word “relaxation”

i see we’re speaking in code now. i love Ever After Academy, the series where frogs are really head librarians and rabbits are actually cat-dog-rabbit-dragon-things, and men named Wolf aren’t actually werewolves

“Arin constantly skips meals due to being too busy” headcanon regretfully confirmed. Arin nO

“FMC is always trying weird new flavors of desserts” headcanon also confirmed lol. this girl, always so adventurous. but also, “better than getting the same thing every time”? it’s true, novelty is necessary. a woman after my own heart.

oh yes, now i can check “heart scene where you help Arin relax and have fun” off my wish list. right above that is “pluck the coffee right out of their hands, march them straight to bed and tuck them in, and maybe cuddle a bit”, and right below it is “plan a special date where you block off a full 24 hours of free time for Arin so you can spend the whole day together”. (Voltage, i have great ideas, hire me now)

Arin blush count: 2. oh look at these two shy idiots who can only dance around their feelings. surely they have to have some clue that their feelings are mutual? they keep trying to stop themselves from kissing the other. it’s driving me nuts. these fools! i push them together like a child pretending to make their dolls kiss.

episode 8

i’m sure they wrote in the explanation for the terrarium as it’s a holdover from Ezra’s route, but i think it’s funny to think that the siblings kept the terrarium all these years and Arin never knew about it. Arin ur not the only one with secrets

again, i do like how Arin keeps referencing the moon. moon rabbit. moon rabbit!!

oh here comes the angst from Arin keeping secrets from FMC for good reasons but not even being able to tell her the reasons. we all saw this coming from a mile away, but it still hurts. :(

wow i cannot wait to find out all of Arin’s secrets :D including their personal ones. (does that make me sound creepy? oops)

more dragon lore, and a debate between Nora and Lucas about dragons? yes please.

as an aside: i can’t believe it’s taken me this long to mention it, but i’m peeved at how the writing in this route keeps referring to Arin as “themselves” when they’re singular. “themself” may not be a familiar word, but it feels the most correct when referring to an individual. “herselves” and “himselves” isn’t a thing.

“Arin is a terrible singer” headcanon confirmed. Arin has a lovely voice but is a rubbish singer, i love it. keep the doors coming, Charlie, i’m on a roll today.

oh god, more embarrassing Arin stories, i am living for this. Arin blush count: 3, maybe 4. what exactly did they wind up on top of, FMC? do tell.

i cannot believe Arin has early 2000s boy band music on their phone. is this the real life? lmao this is probably the most surprising fact i’ve learned about them in this entire set, if not the whole route so far. Arin’s dignity: dropping like a stone. this is hilarious, i love it. god. seriously though, which song was it—

episode 9

can’t help but try to read ulterior motives into Jackie’s every move, and failing because we don’t know enough yet. trying to book a tutoring session with Arin, peeping into FMC’s house’s window, tipping off FMC about Darla’s scheming, being overly invested in the fairytale friends’ well-being? she’s the prime suspect for being the Big Bad of this route, and possibly the Queen of Hearts from the Alice duology, yet she hasn’t done anything outright villainous yet. she’s actually been fairly friendly and helpful. Jackie, what is your deal

Arin blush count: 5. wow careful Arin, your face will get stuck like that and you’ll pass out from lack of blood flow to the rest of your body

it’s still hard getting used to the knowledge that Arin is and was FMC’s best friend. it boggles my mind.

but also i want to imagine them as kiddos hanging out in her room and having fun. adorable. teen flashbacks when :’(

“you’re special to me” wow surefire arrow to my heart oof. Arin blush count: 6.

oh no, again with the holding back, you clods. you lovestruck idiots. you silly dumdums. being a 20-something and having feelings for your best friend is hard. it’s hard and nobody understands. :( when are they going to talk about this? when are they going to come out and say something?? normally FMC is much more straightforward than this, but i guess when it comes to a friendship you’ve cultivated for years, even the bravest people hesitate to rock the boat. but it’ll be all the more satisfying when they actually reach that point.

watching Arin put up the walls again, i can just hear them thinking “conceal, don’t feel”. “remove all magic, but leave the fun” ahahaha alright that’s enough

it’s nice to see FMC seeking out the company and advice of the fairytale trio in this route, especially Nora. those girls, always so close. she really is the only female friend FMC has, until Darla becomes her friend.

so much for hiding magic from MMC! cat’s out the bag sooner than i thought, and Arin’s not going to be happy about it. now they’re going to be pulling double duty trying to keep both siblings from a-sploding their heads by accident. poor Arin

did FMC explain the plan for making things right (whatever “things” are) and restoring their memories? or did she just leave them to wait it out indefinitely? oh no

#harlowspeaks #feeling low energy today #i sleep now #reactions #Arin s1 #Arin s1 set 3

4 notes · View notes

chemicalarospec · 4 years ago

Text

Genuinely Don’t Say Anything Interesting Here But I Like Talking So Thus I’m Posting This

okay I did like nothing productive today but have a ramble on youtube fanbases, specifically the new gen of mcyt. This was two posts and then I made it one so sorry when I repeat myself. I did edit it tho lol. But that means I also inserted more, so this is just all over the place now.

me from the future: oh god. all over the place. wait wtf this is so long. I don’t even have much to say I just like writing the same sentence three different ways and refusing to cut any of them. I’m sorry; I don’t know how to edit; this is informal AF. (can I use three semicolons? at least one of those is wrong anyways lol.)

edit: I’m so sorry I forgot about having a “read more” last night laksjdflksjad. Also idk if I even agree with myself lmao.

it’s so funny how mcyt is like The Thing now. It’s not cool to like it anymore lol, cuz everybody does. (This is a me thing. I like being special lol. I also self-define “cool” so you should not take it to heart when I say it’s not cool.)

I mean, just thinking about the Dream SMP as something I *do* want to get into, it doesn’t feel like “our thing” -- it’s has the feel of a HUGE fandom. Seriously, I’m in the phandom, which ngl has been dead since 2018, and the fanbase for the SMP has a much different, bigger feel. Idk what i’m getting at, it feels imposing? looking at the Dream SMP fandom seems similar in scope and slightly in atmosphere to pre-2019 phandom, at least to me, and it’s actually making me grateful that I joined now and not all that time ago.

Also I brought up the “our thing” bit because of the mcr post that goes “funny how MCR seems like our little secret and the biggest thing in the world at the same time” and I kinda thought that was just how all fandoms worked? idk I was going to assert that the truth is different but I thought some more and now I’m not sure.

but yeah I like the “our little secret” feel and somehow the phandom has (re)gained that while technoblade (and the new gen of mcyt as a whole) is loosing it.

I mean, I’ve been watching Technoblade since the bedwars winstreak. He had less than a millions subs but most people I brought him up to actually did know who he was. He was big but he wasn’t *famous* -- we all knew about him and we all cared. Like the only person who knew who he was and didn’t care had a little brother(s?) that loved him (wait why is this all in past tense this is all still true). (Yes AFC this has become a callout post for you mocking techno lol.) (If you’re still reading my miNeCRaFT yOuTuBeR fAnBaSe MEta. cringe culture is dead tho; I don’t have to say it like that.)

Anyways, I didn’t follow Technoblade’s Dream SMP streams and now I feel like I’d just be tagging along if I did get into it. (also didn’t watch SMP Earth lol.) This is because I’m a gate-keeping jerk. Or hate missing out. One of those two things.

(awkward transition where I don’t know how to make my tangent meaningful and have to make it back to the original train of thought I violently interrupted)

As a long time Techno fan, I’m really proud of the growth he’s experiencing, but a little sad too as the community is being -- well, I don’t want to say “infiltrated,” as I don’t want to shade anyone who was simply late to the party -- perhaps diluted? overwhelmed? yeah, overwhelmed by newer fans, and becoming “unmanageable” in a sense; it feels like we’ve lost a bit of our sense of community with the influx of new fans -- no shade to any new fans! This is just the way fandoms work. When the crowd is larger, it becomes harder recognize each member as a person, even if everything else is the same. (”The death of one man is a tragedy, the death of millions is a statistic.”) (look this is how my brain works deal with it)

I just really like this small community feel, and it’s a bit daunting looking at the smp fandom.

Also the growth Dream experienced this year is genuinely ludicrous. I mean, the wide appeal of shipping is part of it, not going to beat around that bush, but there’s just so much and I wanna read an essay from a long-time fan who saw it on why he’s got so much growth.

I really hate to shame fans and stuff, but part of it, at least for me, is that most of these new fans probably aren’t “minecrafters” like we were. I doubt the majority of them grew up on Stampy, DanTDM, and whatever the other ones I didn’t watch were. I mean, some of this is because Child. For them, the distinction is really pre-quarantine post-quarantine i guess? Really, whether they played Minecraft or not. Again, I know it’s bad to shame fans, but apparently I’m just a terrible person and I feel like it’s more shallow or disingenuous to get into MCYT when it’s popular without already being into Minecraft.

WAIT that’s it -- Minecraft community, as a whole, is special. It’s a LARGE umbrella of fandoms in general, but that’s the thing: they’re all more communities than fandoms -- from the casual builders to the pro parkour players to those who watched the og youtubers to those who followed the Great Potato War, there was Minecraft Culture.

And the expanded fandom that’s sprung up around the Dream SMP and possibly Dream in general (???) is more of fandom. It feels like a fandom. People treat it like a fandom, they talk about it in fandom spaces, it is fandom, a modern fandom. Not a quaint “little” Minecraft community.

I’m not going to say it’s because of the shipping, but... I have no data but at least I can say that it certainly creates an appeal for Fandom People as opposed to Minecraft People. And then also it’s just a fandom thing so it makes the space more fandom.

Also I realized this is all based upon a feeling, so where did the feeling come from? I was reading in-fandom texts a lot today, and I think the storyline actually might have something to do with it. Also maybe the “talking behind their backs”? I can’t be bothered to remember what I’m comparing to what at this point but that’s definitely done in a lot of other spaces I’m in, so idk.

OH FRICK I’ve mostly been *in* the fandom spaces for real things lmao. (Read: I’m 100% making up everything at this point.)

(awkward transition because I inserted the last two paragraphs later on)

And really, I played minecraft today for the first time in months. But it’s still with me, you know? The memories of being introduced to it, growing up with it. Going to the Nether with my cousins, my uncle’s giant survival mode cathedral. Mojang being bought by Microsoft and everybody hating it. (... me, my brother, my two friends, essentially... how did we even know??)

[I had part about the minecraft.net writers here but it was completely unrelated so it became it’s own post. I should do that more.]

(With every sentence the target audience of this post gets smaller.)

What was I saying? I’ll just wrap up.

TL;DR: Dream SMP fandom feels like a fandom and not a Minecraft community and while that’s not necessarily a bad thing, I’ve realized I prefer a community feel, which makes me grateful I joined the phandom now. Also I shouldn’t be allowed to post things past 9:00pm.

Oh my god I’m so sorry to all my mutrals. My tired loquacious reflex has kicked in. This is essentially a dan and phil stan blog, and though I know a few of you know what I’m going on about, I’m so sorry to the rest of you.

Well, at least *I* think I’m a fascinating person with interesting things to say hahahahha.

This is like a diary post. Should I post this? Yeah, other people should share my thoughts lol. OH NO: Late-night Tumblr fandom ramble posts are the new social-justice tirade/generally useless blog-like Goodreads reviews. At least it’s what Tumblr’s made for :P.

10 notes · View notes

denisethinks · 4 years ago

Text

Rule #1 in getting to know strangers, do not be afraid to get a little bit existential.

For the longest time, I've never been the one to write about what I'm feeling, I always reason out that I'm far too impatient for it but I think in reality it's because there are always a hundred and one things going on inside of my head and I just can't seem to decide on what I should write about. Okay so an introduction, I can do that. "Who am I?" Be honest, when you hear this question do you just automatically answer with your name or do you also have a mini existential crisis like me? LMAO, anyway- I am the kind of person who always puts you in their best interest, whether or not you are a stranger doesn't matter, I will just simply never be the one to put you in a difficult situation cos I for one would personally hate that. I am someone who values respect for privacy a lot. I prefer to have someone not force me into talking about something, as I would never demand that much from someone. I can be your Switzerland when you need it, a neutral ground to talk to about delicate matters. I pride myself on being a dependable friend but of course like all things this is still subject to the availability of my mental capacity. I am 22 years old and I will be turning 23 on July 31. When it comes to my relationships, I have only ever introduced one person to my family, the others you could say we're not that serious to even warrant an introduction. I think of love as the great unknown; I love talking about it and hearing about other people's experiences/thoughts about it; growing up I've been heavily saturated with the media's idea of love, not that I'm saying it's the realistic and healthy kind but you know, the kind you always see being broadcasted on TV. I love listening to music, it's one of my guilty pleasures, it's literally the cheapest form of therapy in my own opinion. So something deeper. I guess you can say that I come from an "unofficially" broken family. I say this because my parents never really officially got broken up, they would always "try" to be civil but one way or another arguments seem to find their way between them. At a young age, I've learned to master the art of consoling my own self during the times I'd need someone, I guess you could say I grew up early. If I were to profile my own self I'd say I'm someone who is a people pleaser, I'd always try to get on someone's good graces cos I'm scared of ever disappointing someone. Like any other teenager, I also had my own share of depressive states, never got officially checked out though, I think growing up Asian just meant that it was always expected of, from every family member to just have a thicker skin when it comes to braving through life's challenges. And finally, for something that I am willing to be vulnerable about, I think it would have to be that I fear that my future familial/romantic relationships would end up being a lot like my parent's. I honestly can't think of anything scarier other than that. After my break up with my last boyfriend, I started my journey to healing, I was overcome with so many emotions I didn't know how to process, all I knew then was that I'd rather experience physical pain over what I was then feeling, and I say this because I for one have a rather high pain tolerance. I am still on that journey btw, but now I've decided to write about it, living in a pan de coco and all that jazz pretty much just amplified the "fuck it, YOLO" mentality so might as well dwell on a new habit right? Now that we have (hopefully) established rapport, this blog is entirely gonna be about my journey to healing, my highs and lows, my challenges, and the whole lotta learnings anticipated. I guess you can call it an "online diary". I might slip on a joke or two from time to time but just remember, we don't talk about the corny ones okay? Hopefully, this newfound habit is gonna stick (lol will it really though?). Let's surprise each other 😉

Your online friend who misses tight hugs and warm affection so much already, DA

#online diary #writing #personal #life journey #healing #self love #growth #philippines #asia #filipino #daily blog

1 note · View note

bizarropurugly · 4 years ago

Text

I feel bad for writing porn so much that it’s killed my writing spirit because it’s hard to share porn

and I don’t mean in the “nobody reblogs my stuff weh” kind of way but in the fact my audience is very limited

like my grandma likes my writing and she doesn’t care I write porn but I also can’t fucking show my grandma PORN

and I’ve already had some prudish ass try to report me on dA despite following the rules just for submitting to their group even though I’ve submitted my smut before and I’ve seen people get pissy about “how dare you be public about sexual stuff when SOMEONE COULD SEE IT WHO DOESN”T WANNA!” so I know people are judgemental and with my history and general nervousness that doesn’t help

and yes of course I want to write developmental stuff for zed and candler!! happy and sad. I have ideas I really do it’s just also

I feel so exhausted and mushy all the time to do anything and when I DO finally want to do something it always turns to the porn. maybe because most of my ideas are for the darker parts of their lives and I just want to write about having a love life and all the romantic things of learning a person, just be happy and such

I thought listening to articles for my sex ed blog would help, instead of reading, but now I don’t want to listen either anymore. I think I’m overloading.

I’m fighting the “seasonal” urge to close the blog just because of all the energy it wipes from me. I feel guilty about that because of the people it helps and because I think this is my passion, it’s something I get heated and animated about according to people I speak to, but at the same time a part of me just feels too morose and weak to do it anymore.

I’m 30 years old now, and I think I’ve long given up my dream of being a sex ed teacher or sexologist. I’m just not cut out for. living. for having a life that isn’t miserable and pathetic. Everyone saw it coming a mile away. From the kids who shunned me in the elementary school advanced placement club on, it was just Known and I was the only one who didn’t get it. I never belonged there and that’s why nobody came running when I crashed and burned in high school and inevitably never finished college. They knew that was going to happen.

I’m too ashamed to make friends or partners. Too ashamed of my appearance, my lack of accomplishments, my home, what I do day to day.

I cried over an article about trans for trans love the other day, that interviewed several trans couples, because I know I can’t get that or do anything they’re doing. I almost find myself feeling resentful of my cats because if they weren’t here then I wouldn’t be forced to keep trying; to keep putting money in my pocket, food in the fridge, and to clean what I can.

A part of me yearns for socialization but I’m shutting down and isolating from everyone constantly. deviantART inbox is piling up. So is the sex ed blog’s inbox. And my messages on here. And haven’t really made any posts honestly... In the only discord chat I’m active in I feel a frequent panic that I’m talking too much and everyone is waiting for me to shut up, so I monitor my speaking like a chronic dieter monitors calories. And when people contact me individually, I freeze up like a deer in the headlights.

I drag my feet to therapy and doctor sessions because not only do I feel like what’s the point anymore because I’ll always be in pain and never be able to allow myself forgiveness or love or acceptance or positivity to where almost the very notion of giving myself any sort of inch makes me want to hurt myself, but also all I ever want to do is sit at home and do nothing, literally. But if I sleep erratically or too much or too little I’m plagued by nightmares, repeating events from my past and ghosts of the people I knew, tones rapidly shifting to where I’m like Homura in PMMM Rebellion where I’m the only one who knows something is Fucked, or to where everyone’s speaking about me behind my back and mounting attacks from the shadows, demanding I choose between friends, kicking me from spaces, drowning me. So even lying in bed isn’t an option, because what if I sleep?

I don’t want to stay at others’ homes anymore because I scream and cry so much in my sleep it’s mortifying.

And nobody gets it. And I don’t think they can or I don’t want them to, because that plays into the part of “you’re being too nice to yourself when you know you’re a bad person and don’t deserve it, if people feel bad or empathize you’ve just tricked them into thinking you’ve changed and you haven’t, so shut the fuck up and don’t cry around people”, and also I’m sure the few people I confide in are very, very tired of hearing about it by now.

I scream into the tumblr void because it is a void. Here’s my open diary people won’t read or will instantly forget because of scrolling. It’s in one way relieving because I can vent out, but as I mentioned before it’s also frustrating because despite the things I say I will have people I’ve known say “wow I didn’t know!” to something I’ve said a million times before and that could easily be found--

I don’t know. I guess I don’t know anymore. I’m caught between the dread of having to live decades more like being dragged barenaked across pavement, and the phobia I have of death. I hate existing and being alive but I’m terrified of what happens when it’s over, of not knowing or more specifically that it’s literally all over and I don’t know what it will feel like for the world to literally end like that.

I can’t even cry much about it because I don’t have time. Have to get up for work or get things together or do something else always. Don’t have time to wail and sob and then sniffle and unplug my nose for g-d knows how long. Don’t have time to recover from the nightmare that had me hurt myself and lose my voice. Don’t have time to try and “relax” in some way.

Only got time for guilt and anxiety and trauma and isolation and forcing myself to go until I’m sick and argue in my head with myself about myself and how I feel and what I remember and what a fucking useless disgusting piece of shit I am that people can’t wait for me to off myself at last for.

lmao wow this went off the rails

#negative -#suicide m -#that's a text post

1 note · View note

zutaralesbian · 5 years ago

Note

all the questions for the ask meme! :)

Wow okay! Thanks anon :)

1. What was your first OTP?

I think the first thing I ever shipped as in, wanted together, was Arnold/Helga from Hey Arnold! as a kid lol. But the first ship I did fandom things for (as in, read fic for them and that kind of stuff) was Derek/Chloe from the Darkest Powers series.

2. What is your current OTP?

At the moment it's definitely Ian/Mickey from Shameless. But it'll probably change to Eve/Villanelle when Killing Eve comes back on.

3. Do you have any OT3/OT+ ships? What are your favorites?

Not any hardcore ones no. I'm monogamous and therefore I have a very monogamous view on things when it comes to shipping. Most of the time when I "ship" OT3's it's because I love all three characters and want them to be happy. (Ex: Eleanor/Max/Anne from Black Sails)

I guess the only OT3 I actually ship in a sense where I think it's meant to be an OT3 is Miguel/Tulio/Chel from The Road to El Dorado. Because come on, that was pretty much canon. Miguel and Tulio were raging bisexuals who were in love with each other and with Chel.

4. What is/are your favorite trope(s)?

Enemies-to-friends-to-lovers is my JAM. I love ships where I can look at their very first scene together and I think "wow who would have thought????" (Gallavich is a perfect example of this btw)

I also really love opposites attract and childhood friends to lovers.

5. What is/are your least favorite trope(s)?

Evil man is only redeemed because of his "love" for a woman. I love redemption arcs but they have to be well done and that ain't it lol.

I'm also not usually into ships that start off as affairs. (Where one or both of the characters are cheating on their current significant other with each other). Unless the character(s) they're cheating on is/are awful, I always feel too bad for them.

6. Do you have a certain kind of ship you’re more attracted to?

Not really tbh. I have tropes that I definitely enjoy (see above) but I've shipped a wide variety of different kinds of pairings.

7. Are most of your ships “pure” or “problematic”?

I think I have a good mixture of both kinds? There's been times where I thought a ship was pure but other people in fandom circles find some sort of reason to tear into them. (See: Katniss/Peeta from The Hunger Games)

8. Who is the most shippable person you can think of?

Zuko from Avatar: The Last Airbender. My main OTP for him is obviously Zuko/Katara but I see the appeal of a bunch of his other ships as well. Also Bonnie from The Vampire Diaries.

9. Are there any fandoms you don’t have any ships for?

Stranger Things. I'm all about the platonic relationships on that show.

10. Do characters have to have canon interactions for you to ship them?

I think so, yeah. I can't think of anything I've shipped where the characters didn't directly interact with each other at least once.

11. What makes a great ship in your own opinion?

When you get the essence that they just compliment and complete each other.

12. What drives you away from a ship?

When they are rushed. If I feel like a ship is forced or happened too fast, it gets completely ruined for me.

13. Is there anything you ship but refuse to interact with the community for?

Ngl this was the Gallavich fandom for a while until I found my own little circle lol

14. Has a fanbase ever made you ship or not ship something? Why?

Bellamy/Clarke from The 100. (As in, I stopped shipping them). This was a mixture of the fanbase and just losing interest in the show in general though. But members of the B*llarke fandom showing their homophobic asses when Clarke/Lexa happened definitely didn't help.

15. Do you like/participate in ship wars? Why or why not?

I don't like them and try to avoid them. The only time I actively participated in ship wars was during my TVD days lol. Luckily there aren't really any ship wars in the Shameless or Killing Eve fandom because everyone ships Gallavich and Villaneve. I just think it's a waste of time. I'd rather debate over more interesting things.

16. Are there any ships you just can’t/don’t understand? What are they?

The only example I can think of is Klaus/Caroline from TVD. Or rather, I never understood why they were so popular. That was the most forced shit I've ever seen and they had little to no substance lol. Most of the time I do understand ships, even if I hate them.

17. Are there any popular ships that you just don’t like? What are they?

Rey/Kylo. Damon/Elena. Klaus/Caroline. Spike/Buffy. Jon/Dany and Jon/Sansa. Those are all the super big ones I think.

18. What is your favorite unpopular ship?

Once upon a time I would have said Finn/Rey from Star Wars but they were ruined for me. I still love TFA! Finnrey though.

19. Do you prefer fluff, angst, or smut for your ships?

Why not all?

20. Do you prefer bigger fanbases or smaller ones?

They both have their plus and minuses. With bigger fanbases, you have more fan content to enjoy. But smaller fandoms seem cozier and as someone who is shy, it's kind of easier for me to participate in smaller fandoms. So idk.

21. Have you ever received hate for a ship you liked?

That time someone called me a Zutara shipper as an insult over a Killing Eve post lol. That was wild.

22. Do you have any ships that you ship, but would never want to see as canon?

Nope don't think so. If I would be against something going canon, I'm probably not going to ship it at all.

23. Have you ever had a ship become canon, but you didn’t like how it was portrayed?

Jaime/Brienne from Game of Thrones lmao. I would have rather they were never canon if it was just gonna lead to that. I still have hope that they'll play out better in the books but it's unlikely at this point that GRRM will even finish them.

24. What is your favorite canon ship?

I have an ocean of them. That's too wide of a question.

25. What are your favorite ships from a dead fandom?

Define dead. Like not active anymore? I have a lot of old school book OTP's with fandoms that are now dead. Derek/Chloe from Darkest Powers. Adrian/Sydney from Bloodlines. Raffe/Penryn from Angelfall. And Damon/Bonnie from the TVD books, which was the first ship I ever write fic for actually lol. And I wrote a bunch.

26. What are your favorite shipping scenes?

"Sorry I'm late" - Gallavich

"I feel things when I'm with you" - Villaneve

"I think I'm the one that should be thanking you" - Zutara

"I do. I need you." - Everlark

"You're all that matters to me." - Pricefield

"There is nothing important that does not include you." - Maxanne

27. What are your views on reader x canon ships?

I'm not into them but whatever floats people's boats

28. What is your best shipping advice?

Don't engage in ship wars. They're not worth it. Just find your own friends in the fandom that share similiar opinions to your own (or who you can disagree with respectfully) and stick with them. It makes things more fun.

29. Do you like OCs (Original Characters)?

I don't mind them if they're used sparingly. I can't usually get into fics where the OC's are one of the main focuses though.

30. What are some of your favorite shipping blogs?

Depends on what ship you're talking about

#anonymous #answered

5 notes · View notes

bobbyischill · 5 years ago

Text

My Relationship With Andi Mack

Two years ago, when I was in 10th grade, my GSA advisor was telling me and a friend about a Disney Channel show. She hadn’t watched it yet, but apparently one of the main characters had just come out as gay! I was really happy for Disney and glad that queer kids all over the world had someone like them to look up to. However, I, a 15 year old, a mature teenager, wouldn’t really enjoy a kids show, right? So I went about the rest of my day without giving it a second thought....

Until I went home and opened up Tumblr. One of the first posts I saw was someone giving props to Disney for making such a diverse, inclusive show that was actually GOOD. They said it reminded them of Girl Meets World, except it was a million times better and diverse. Okay fine, I thought. I guess I’ll check out Andi Mack. (BOOYY I HAD A BIG STORM COMING)

I opened up my iPad around 10:30pm and decided to watch an episode or two, depending on how tired I was. After the very first episode, I recognized that this show was special. Like, REALLY special. The characters were fleshed out and unique. There was the “twist” about Bex being Andi’s mom. The friendships and relationships felt real. I knew I was going to binge the whole show that night.

That night, as I continued on with the show, I fell in love with each one of them. They all had their own quirks, they were all nuanced. I fell in love with how competitive, protective to a fault, and caring Buffy was. I fell in love with how awkward and goofy and relatable Cyrus was. I fell in love with how kind and oblivious Jonah was. I fell in love with how hard-working and funny Andi was, and how much she cared about certain things and the people around her. I fell in love with the dynamics between certain characters and how they were always changing. I loved how it tackled racism in school (Buffy had to change her hair or be sent home), how unfair dress codes are to students (especially girls), how you need to take a stand for what you believe in (the prison uniforms), and how stepping out of your comfort zone is a good thing, even if you get hurt (Andi watching a horror movie and being terrified, but not regretting it). This was all in the first season.

This show already meant so much to me. And then Cyrus looked back at Jonah. In the words of Jonah Beck, “I cried”. Just that hint of representation was more than I had ever scene on Disney or any other show marketed to kids.

And then Cyrus came out to Buffy. I, a pansexual who was out to my friends but not any of my family and who still struggled with intense internalized homophobia, burst into tears. I related to how ashamed and afraid Cyrus looked. I needed to hear Buffy’s heartfelt response. “You may be weird, but you’re no different.” That phrase was constantly bouncing through my head for at least the next few days (and if I’m being honest, it still is). I wrote it all over my notes and assignments because it was literally all I could think about for such a long time. I saw the sign on the wall that said “G: for General Audiences.” That showed me that Disney (or at least Terri Minsky, my queen) truly felt that I wasn’t a freak. I didn’t need to hide my identity from anyone if I didn’t want to. My identity wasn’t a mature subject; it was for general audiences. (Also, I just want to add that Sofia and Josh’s acting in this scene was absolutely fantastic. It was so raw and emotional, and it still makes me cry every time I see it.)

And then in that same episode Cyrus and Buffy talked about his crush on Jonah. They did it so casually, and my mind was blown. At this point, I had honestly never seen so much gay representation in a show as this.

That night, I stayed up until 5am. I was rewatched Cyrus’s coming out scene about 10 times. I fangirled about it on Tumblr. I added “Tomorrow Starts Today” to my Spotify playlist. I even wrote a diary entry about it. (I only write in my diary when I’m feeling very intense emotions that I need to write down in order to figure out.)

The next day at school, I told all my Gay Friends about Andi Mack and how amazing it was. A few of them got into it, and it was fun talking to them about it, but after a while I was pretty heavily hyperfixated on it and I needed more. And I felt like I was bothering my followers with constant posts about how much I loved Andi Mack. So I made this blog. @cyrus-made-tshirts. I haven’t changed the name since. That’s how I became an official part of the friendom.

I love this fandom. I don’t even know many people personally or have made many friends through it, but this fandom was everything to me. I loved the posts, the crackhead theories, josh’s account. I loved the crackships, the real ships, the overanalyzing of every line, of every movement, of every promo. I loved watching the reactions on YouTube. I loved making posts about the show and having hundreds of people relate to it or find it funny, especially the gay ones. My very first post to get more than 50 notes was one about how Miranda and Bex would make a cute couple (this was before Miranda was revealed to be a snake.)

For the past year and a half, Andi Mack has been my life. I have survived the many ship wars. I have survived the months-long hiatuses. I have survived the ominous tweets and posts Josh has made and the frenzy of panicking everywhere that followed it. And I have loved every minute of it.

I’ve seen these characters I love grow up before my eyes. They’ve all changed and evolved and matured so much. There’s so much more representation since I started watching the show. There’s a character with a learning disability, characters with anxiety, a homeless character, a deaf character. There’s been multiple episodes celebrating Jewish and Chinese culture. I’ve seen Cyrus go from nervously nodding in agreement that he liked a boy to unprovokingly telling his friend he liked that boy to flat-out telling his ex-crush he is gay to holding hands with his crush in public. I’ve seen all of Cyrus’s friends support him unconditionally. I’ve seen him find his happily ever after (for middle school, at least).

And then the last episode aired. I knew I was never going to be prepared for it, but HOLY SHIT, it’s over. And the finale was like a fanfiction it was so good. I watched it live on Thursday night at midnight. I freaked out about it online for three hours, then watched it on Disney Now. I pulled an all-nighter because I just kept rewatching it online until Friday night, when I watched it air on Disney. The way Cyrus and TJ sang Born This Way with the rest of the characters cured my depression, cleared my skin, and watered my crops. The bench scene was so fucking beautiful and romantic it caused me to hyperventilate. The acting from both Luke and Josh was incredible. Honestly, Luke crushed it the entire time as TJ and the bench scene was the icing on top. This scene meant more to met than some people could ever know.

A couple months ago, I was in a pretty shit place emotionally and mentally. Literally the only thing stopping me from killing myself was the guilt of leaving my friends and family behind. I needed another reason to stay, something to keep me grounded. And that reason became Andi Mack. I promised myself I would live to see the day Tyrus became canon. And I did it. I’m in a much better place now, and I’m not going to do anything stupid now that Tyrus has become canon (TYRUS HAS BECOME CANON!!! AAKDBEISSHSB I STILL HAVENT PROCESSED THAT YET!!!!). But at the time, I really needed Andi Mack to help me keep fighting. And it was there for me. And I will always be indebted to it for my life.

This show has helped me in so many other ways. It’s helped me drastically reduce my internalized homophobia. It’s given me a community of people that understand me. It’s created so many characters that I love. So thank you to Terri Minsky for creating this show and amazing characters that I will love forever. Thank you to Disney for funding it and not completely censoring it. Thank you to the crew for working tirelessly to make this happen. Thank you to Peyton, Emily, Asher, Josh, Luke, Lilan, Trent, Garren, Sofia, and every other actor for pouring their heart into this show. A special thank you to Josh and Luke for making me feel safe and loved and for caring so much about their story arcs. (And their political activism is pretty awesome, too.)

I’m really going to miss screaming about this show with you guys. I really hope that some people keep creating fanart and fanfics and keep making memes and crackships. I hope the friendom never dies. Because every one of you is so special and fun to hang out with online. And I’m really gonna miss it. And now I’m crying, and this is getting WAYYY too long, so I’m gonna stop talking now lmao. But I want to say this show has changed me in so many ways and I’m grateful to every single person involved, including the amazing friendom. I’ll love you all forever. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

#andi mack #thank you #thank you so much andi mack #my relationship with andi mack #personal

20 notes · View notes

nyeto · 5 years ago

Text

i uh, won’t send this one i think, i’m just practicing writing because it’s how i cope with things and uh this level of attachment is new to me i know it shouldn’t be anything different from having a friend or something but uh yeah i’m

idk i guess im really needy im not calling u out or anything i know how it is im just bored i’ll work on that

i think i’m also pmsing and it’s making me confused & restless its a thing that happens most months

i’ve been kind of in a rut but i reached out to my friends and made plans today so that was cool, it’s weird we don’t really keep in touch and i feel like an imposter asking them to hang out but that’s just my personal perception, in reality they are all eager to see me and even asked to spend the night to catch up properly. i think i’ll have a better couple weeks ahead. i’ve been having trouble working i just kind of rest all day, hopefully i can get around addressing that too. tomorrow i’m seeing ratik and some other kids from school at a crisis party. a good buddy of mine saharsh flew in from indiana tonite im excited to see him too. he’s reliable he’s always been there for me in the past 5-6 yrs.

im not sure how tomorrow will be. i miss rupaksh. ratik misses rupaksh. (our friend who is dead now) i spent christmas with saharsh ratik rupaksh and sambit (my nyc photo major bud) a few years ago and we all sat around a table and karaoke’d. rupaksh really respected and thought highly of me for some reason, even though i was 2 yrs younger. when his brother got hospitalized for being su***dal he would talk to me a lot about my experience. he always was impressed w me and wanted me to be happy.

i can’t believe i won’t see him tomorrow.

am sorry this email is more of a diary entry and i probably shouldn’t overshare so much. i don’t mean to just talk/unload ‘at’ you, i usually write these things on my blog. i’m not sure if i’m gonna overwhelm you with the details. i’m beginning to feel i rreallly don’t know how to navigate this space, please let me know if i’m crossing a boundary.

i’m definitely not sending this email till i’ve received consent to though. tw: abuse ;;

////////////////////////////////////////////////////

this guy who, uh, kind of sexually harassed me is gonna be there tomorrow. i asked my friend who is hosting if i can bring saharsh. when the incident of the harassment happened saharsh was the only person who supported me, everyone else said ‘you should be flattered.’

i can tolerate him, i just need to acknowledge it to myself somehow.

this other guy who gaslighted me and emotionally abused a bunch hit me up today and said he wants to meet me so i’m kind of having a weird one and feeling unsafe today i think

i’m excited to see my girl friends tho. im tired.

the judith butler article was pretty inspiring, i have a bunch of thoughts. i read it on my phone under the blankets tucked in bed so i’ll prolly have to revisit and make notes but it was a good one.

when do you want to start studying together if at all? perhaps once you’re back to work schedule? let me know~

yeah im definitely not sending this email lmao

1 note · View note

princeyitz · 6 years ago

Photo

[ loner | family oriented | lazy ]

GET TO KNOW ME TAG why r there so many questions </3

@viiavi tagged me(and mayb someone else??? i dont know tumblr notifs are awful)

uhhhmmm i tag @ratboysims @felicitum @bullsim @keysims @bratsims and uhhmmmmm any1 else that wants to do it just say i tag u

also here’s a bad edit of my simselfs outfit its cute and basically what i wear everyday gotta wear those nikes get some good ass arch support u feel me

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? byrd

2. WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME? byrdie, b

3. BIRTHDAY? june 3rd babey

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK SERIES? harry potter

5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS OR GHOSTS? ye s

6. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? i dont think i have one. picking faves for literature has always been hard for me

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION? i listen 2 podcasts

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ANYTHING? ummm dark chocolate or mango

9. WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE OFTEN TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING GREAT OR WONDERFUL? awesome

10. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONG? thank you next look its a good song ok

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD? ridiculous but how my mom says it like a harry potter spell

12. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO? ummmm something by halsey i think

13. WHAT TV SHOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EVERYBODY TO WATCH? im binge watching greys anatomy so that i guess but also my fave show of all time stargate

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE TO WATCH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING DOWN? moana

15. DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? yea

16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? failure

17. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? i give good cuddles

18. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? i have no patience and i worry too much

19. DO YOU LIKE CATS OR DOGS BETTER? yes(dogs)

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? fall

21. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? yes! we’re getting married next october :-)

22. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? no responsibilities!!! no bills!!!! also my moms cooking

23. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? her name is lauren but also my fiance and my dog

24. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? dark green

25. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? brown

26. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE? my fam, my fiance, my dogs, my close friends

27. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU TRUST? my fiance 100%

28. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? my parents i worry about their health and also my sister bc she’s in a new relationship

29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY EXCITED ABOUT/FOR SOMETHING? my sisters dog just had puppies so im excited to see them

30. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST OBSESSION? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm rn sims

31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW AS A CHILD? probably rugrats and also x files

32. WHO OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO, IF ANYONE? my dad

33. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? hell yes big time

34. DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL PHOBIAS? well i still cant drive so like. driving i guess

35. DO YOU PREFER TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND IT?uhhh behind i hate when others take pics of me lol

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY? writing and simblr i guess

37. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? actually i think it was the adventure zone graphic novel does that count

38. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? the crimes of grindelwald

39. WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? i can sing

40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL? owls

41. WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 FAVORITE TUMBLR BLOGS THAT YOU FOLLOW? i feel like im on the spot ummmmm @felicitum @keysims @smart--milk @surreysimmer @hesitantpixels

42. WHAT SUPERPOWER DO YOU WISH YOU HAD? u ever seen heroes? remember how peter was like a sponge well i wish i could do that but with like, normal knowledge/skills. like if i met someone who was a carpenter or dr i could shake their hand and i knew everything they did about that and could learn new languages that way too. i wanna b a sponge

43. WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU FEEL MOST AT PEACE? in my bed w my fiance and dogs in a cuddle pile

44. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE? when we ask blu if she’s a sleepy baby and she tilts her head

45. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? none bitch

46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? water all day every day im a camel hi

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER OR NOTE TO SOMEBODY? uhhh probably recently at work

48. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? as i get older yes

49. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? when people talk down to me because of my identity or age

50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? yea!! the last one we went to was p!nk im pretty sure

51. ARE YOU VEGAN/VEGETARIAN? no

52. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? a cardiologist

53. WHAT FICTIONAL WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN? hmmmmmmmm probs harry potter tbh

54. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WORRY ABOUT? money!!!!

55. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE DARK? yes and no

56. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? yup!!! i dont sing as often as i used to tho its sad

57. HAVE YOU EVER SKIPPED SCHOOL? no

58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE ON THE PLANET? i really love big bear and catalina island

59. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? doesnt really matter as long as its not a big city and relatively close to family

60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? we have 2 doggos

61. ARE YOU MORE OF AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? tbh i am a mix of both now, tho i used to be a night owl

62. DO YOU LIKE SUNRISES OR SUNSETS BETTER? sunset

63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? no :-)

64. DO YOU PREFER EARBUDS OR HEADPHONES? earbuds sometimes headphones hurt my ears esp bc i always wear glasses

65. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? yes and im getting war flashbacks

66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC? pretty much anything besides hardcore rap, country, and religious music, also nothing too poppy

67. WHO IS YOUR HERO? probs my mama

68. DO YOU READ COMIC BOOKS? ye

69. WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANGRY? when they only brew decaf at work

70. DO YOU PREFER TO READ ON AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR WITH A REAL BOOK? both

71. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? i really loved english

72. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? i have two brothers and two sisters

73. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? flowers for my mother in law

74. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5′7″

75. CAN YOU COOK? yes

76. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE? coffee, purple flowers, the lil potbellies that all puppies have

77. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE? decaf coffee, peas, when people say my name wrong

78. DO YOU HAVE MORE FEMALE FRIENDS OR MORE MALE FRIENDS? uhhh i guess just bc thats who im around more

79. WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION? gay af my dudes

80. WHERE DO YOU CURRENTLY LIVE? i live in southern california

81. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED? my mom i think

82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? a while ago

83. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE YOUTUBER? garrett watts is fun

84. DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE SELFIES? sure

85. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE APP? digit it saves me money

86. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENT(S) LIKE? im super close with my parents and relatively close w my fiances parents as well

87. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN ACCENT? hmmm probs middle eastern

88. WHAT IS A PLACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO, BUT YOU WANT TO VISIT? seattle

89. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 3

90. CAN YOU JUGGLE? lmao no

91. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? not really

92. DO YOU FIND OUTER SPACE OR THE DEEP OCEAN TO BE MORE INTERESTING? both but i tend to lean more towards the ocean

93. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A DAREDEVIL? not at all im a chicken

94. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? nope

95. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? y...es

96. CAN YOU WIGGLE YOUR EARS? n o?

97. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? when i am wrong lol i dont care too much about being right

98. DO YOU PREFER THE FOREST OR THE BEACH? forest 100%

99. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU? trust your instincts

100. ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR? yes

101. WHAT IS YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE? hufflepuff

102. DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF? sometimes

103. ARE YOU AN INTROVERT OR AN EXTROVERT? v big introvert

104. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL/DIARY? no

105. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES? kind of

106. IF YOU FOUND A WALLET FULL OF MONEY ON THE GROUND, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? pick it up and return it to its owner

107. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE? yes but they have to believe in it too

108. ARE YOU TICKLISH? yes but u cant tell nobody knows ok thanks

109. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A PLANE? yeah they’re cool

110. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? my ears and my septum

111. WHAT FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU WISH WAS REAL? sam carter from stargate shes smart

112. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? yeah i have 10 i think

113. WHAT IS THE BEST DECISION THAT YOU’VE MADE IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR? opening up to people

114. DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? 110% yes

115. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? glasses

116. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? yeah i want 5 but i dont think i can afford that many someone start a gofundme for my future babeys

117. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW? my best friend

118. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY? i told my middle school crush that i liked her and then she told everyone and thats the story of how i repressed me sexuality until i was 20

119. HAVE YOU EVER PULLED AN ALL-NIGHTER? many times

120. WHAT COLOR ARE MOST OF YOU CLOTHES? black

121. DO YOU LIKE ADVENTURES? yes but carefully planned and well thought out adventures where i have a checklist and a binder of all the information i need listen i am v anxious everything is scary

122. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV? when i was a baby i was on the news lmao

123. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 25

124. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE? to thine own self be true wow super lame and cliche thanks im tired is this done yet

125. DO YOU PREFER SWEET OR SAVORY FOODS? savory i dont have much of a sweet tooth

#tagged #about #simself #i stayed up past my bedtime to do this #im sleepy

58 notes · View notes

kanagawayuki · 6 years ago

Text

Black Jack Tag

Tagged by the wonderful @otome0heart I feel bad cos I’m rarely in tumblr so I can rarely do these tags >.<

The rules: Answer 21 questions and tag 21 people you want to get to know better.

Nickname: I never have any... -”- just... chris... oh, tina maybe? Does that count?

Height: 159cm (all ye Americans can go find a converter if you wanna know like I always have to ://)

Last movie I saw: ERm... Pretty sure it was Captain Marvel....

Favorite artist: wao... this is tough.... I don’t really follow that much artists... just ones from my fandom... but I’d say Mucha and Mackintosh are 2 artists whose names I won’t ever forget...

Song stuck in my head: I honestly don’t really follow trends... like... I don’t even have spotify... so I’d say whatever worship/praise song that was sung this week in church is what got stuck in my head...

Do I get asks?: Like I said... I’m not even here much... ://

Other blogs?: Yes, a wordpress site I’ve abandoned for a while now...

Following: erm.... idk without checking... ._.

Lucky number: 5 I guess?

What I am wearing: rn? a union jack shirt and yellow shorts...

Dream job: trust-fund kid? LMAO jkjk yanno those pretty books in kikki.k and the like? Diary and whatnot that’s just too pretty? I wanna design them

Favorite food: If what this means is food I wish I could eat more often it’d be macarons. I mean, yumz?? But calories ;-; If it’s food that I can eat everyday, it’d be chicken. Indonesian fried chicken (with sambal) to be exact. Go google it and drool with me.

Dream Trip: Japan and Europe. Tbh I like traveling period. But not USA or China for now. China I would consider after they’re cleaner and not USA just cos it’s literally on the other side of the globe (12 hr flight what?)...

Play any instruments: Nein.

Languages: Indonesian and English. Learning Japanese now but dayum how to ever kanji??

Favorite song: ... I’d have to say none... the songs I like to listen to varies depending on mood so... ://

Random fact: There was one day I was thought of both parent of a high-school kid and a new student wanting to enter the school when I went to meet my client in a school... ._. so do I look old or do I look young?

Aesthetic things: Sakura trees are a soft breeze blow by, raining the immediate vacinity with their petals. The sun dipping in the horizon, dyeing the sky a brilliant orange color then slowly turn into soft pastel colors until it’s gone, replace by the moon and stars.

Tagging: weLL, I’m not really in speaking terms with people of tumblr (how can I when I’m rarely here???) so uh.... @daeva-agas, @lucysaionji, @ladyordinary, @serenity-writes and whoever is interested on doing it I guess? And feel free to ignore--

#still not used to tagging culture in tumblr #tasukehelp

7 notes · View notes

falconemuses · 6 years ago

Text

skip first three paras if you’re reading this because of the #pewds tag

remember when i said i wanted to write more diary-ish posts in this blog to improve my communication skills? heh. i’m absolutely terrible at keeping to resolutions, as it turns out. but we’re gonna improve that. new resolution: improve at keeping at resolutions. starting now. so here we are. writing. probably one day i should start like a blog, maybe not tumblr because it doesn’t seem like the right medium for it, but like just a straight up actual diary, to collect my daily thoughts and preserve them for future me to laugh at. i used to have an old blog and like when i dug it up it was hilarious. deleted it though because one time i got paranoid about being spied on by hackers and blogger staff.

there’s quite a lot of stuff i’m going through right now that i don’t really want to straight up talk about, cuz like, y’know, it’s like there’s a very thin lid over the bubbling pressure, and if i just lift that lid everything’s going to come pouring out, which is not really something i want to be dealing with. this (and next) week are my designated sort-of relax weeks, and i don’t want to spoil my mood. so let’s talk about something else.

there’s actually been like several topics that have been running through my mind lately but i’ve been putting off expounding on them because of school so now they’re all collected and i don’t really know which one to start off with, or if anyone even cares to know, or why in the heck i developed entire trains of thought around such inconsequential bullshit in the first place. anyway, let’s just have the least controversial topic.

pewdiepie! LMAO. “how is this the least controversial thing you have to talk about?!” believe me, it is. it’s not about the recent tragedy or defending him or putting him down, really. it’s just - well, he says a few times in his videos he doesn’t understand how the heck he got to no. 1 (no. 2 now technically T series passed him a while, but, y’know, whatever, he’s the no. 1 individual channel) and that kinda got me thinking as well, like, yeah, why am i watching his channel? it’s actually a bit sad to me because no one else i know is a huge poods fan so like there’s nobody else to discuss the videos with, which is strange considering the 94mil subs. the people that i *do* know who are into youtube are mostly into markiplier or cryaotic (can’t spell his name right) or jacksepticeye. so like even though, lol, i’m technically in the bigger fanbase, i don’t have anyone else to talk about it to? and so that makes me wonder like, yes, why am i specifically drawn to pewdiepie? what’s the particular appeal that made me sub to him and not the others? because i have watched the others, but somehow i always end up coming back to pewds’ channel.

the reason i’ve come up with is that....pewds is just more relatable, to me, personally. feel like i gotta say this at this point because on the internet people are liable to take you out of context or whatever: i’m not by any means saying that this is the recipe for success or that anyone should change their video style and it’s certainly not a critique of other youtubers - they’re all great in their own ways - i’m just saying, personally, what i like. he just feels more - more of like, a real person? to me? i don’t know how to explain this. it’s like, when i watch his videos, it just feels like y’know, if i met him we could be really good friends, sit down and have a sandwich together and chat about inane stuff, whereas the other youtubers feel more like.....movie stars? i guess that is what i’d call it? like more unreachable, more distant. like if you met them you couldn’t just chill and shoot the shit, you’d have to catch a glimpse while they walk past being swarmed by a whole bunch of bodyguards.

cry is easier to explain, so i’ll just go with him first. he doesn’t show his face. LOL. i’m not saying he should, god knows if i ever got on youtube the last thing i’d show is my face, but like when watching the lets plays, i prefer felix’s over cry’s because y’know, i can see him. i can see that there’s a real dude there, sharing the experience and reacting along with me. and that makes it feel more comfy, somehow. also cry’s voice is like, the hot-guy voice. which is liable to get you throngs of screaming fangirls, but to me, it just makes him feel more - far away. like the kind of super-cool person that never makes a fool of themselves. which is not a person i can be friends with, because i’d feel intimidated by their perfection xD so yeah, pewds >> cry, because he feels friendlier and more relatable.

markiplier is the really popular one amongst the people i know and i guess why i prefer pewds to him is harder for me to explain because he does show his face and doesn’t have a sexy voice so what’s the problem? idk, i feel like mark....is too intellectual for me xD “but fal, pewds literally just reviewed the fucking republic!” “also, are you saying you like pewds cuz he’s dumb?!” no, it’s not - it’s the difference between highbrow and lowbrow intellectual, y’know? not that i’m saying mark is a snooty stuck up stick in the ass, but - just the difference in the way they talk, like.....literature professor vs thug notes, which is a really great series that i also highly recommend. like, felix understands, but he doesn’t speak fancy, which is also a thing that i appreciate. again, i’m not saying everyone should change their way of speaking, like, formal highbrow intellectual is also great and some people like that, evidently, but just, personally, again, pewds is easier to relate to because he talks simply. it really makes it feel like you’re just chillin’ with a pal when you’re watching his videos. even though you can’t technically respond. but that’s okay. it’s like companionable silence xD whereas for me watching mark is like watching a very - scripted production, or like just listening to someone too smart for me, which is just like, “yeah, okay, i’m gonna feel self-conscious if i try to talk to you”. i mean, the dude actually analysed the gameplay of freakin’ getting over it xD which is like, woah, you care about the physics of this thing?? whereas pewds just.....well.

“gorgonzola! everybody gets a little bit of gorgonzola!”

i think, probably, i am by no means a psychologist or psychiatrist, nor do i wholly believe in the veracity of the mbti, but i feel also like one of the things that draws me to pewds, especially now, is that i think, i think, we have quite similar personalities. i watched his mbti video, and before he was even halfway done i already knew he was going to get ISTJ because like our thought processes are so similar. (except i’m a little more reserved than him, obviously, hence the lack of a youtube channel) again, mbti isn’t like the most - accurate thing in the universe, but throughout all his other videos (and there are a lot) i feel like we have a lot in common. let me try to explain it in coherent terms. there’s the - pigheaded stubbornness - i think the getting over it playlist sums it up pretty well xD and like the uh, while we have a brain, we tend not to use it generally when solving problems, instead opting to just power through it, (again, the getting over it playlist) instead of analysing why the fuck we went wrong, just try to bulldoze the problem xDD and then there’s the urge to keep up the “everything’s fine” face. yeah, i know he did a video about forced positivity and said he’s not faking it anymore, but that’s a different thing, i’m not talking about faking happiness, i’m talking about - well, not exactly faking, but just sort of like - you just don’t want to admit to the actual extent of your feelings, and feel uncomfortable using, idk, is there a term for it? i’m gonna coin one - “emotion-centric” language. like, you never hear him say stuff like “i need to take a mental health day” or something like that, like the kind of “just using that language makes me feel weak and vulnerable and i don’t like that” kind of feeling - don’t take this as truth, by the way, that’s just the vibe i get, i could be projecting, because that’s an issue i have. i’m just gonna - leave it at that because i’m worried the more i talk the more bullshit it’s going to be and it’s just going to be me projecting my issues onto him and it’s not actually true and then people will take it all out of context and run weird articles - lmao.

anyway. this post went on for wayyy longer than i thought it would and there’s other stuff i wanna talk about too so let’s wrap this up. pewds, if you scroll the tag and find this, i - well, i honestly have no idea what to say xD. tell me if i got shit wrong, i guess, and if you’re ever in singapore or i’m ever in brighton let’s grab a macs and chill i guess? xDDD i also want to pet the pugs, they’re so cute.

#pewdiepie #pewds #personal #text

6 notes · View notes