#i guess this albums made the rounds already

[joanofarc]

cut from toxic cloth, @ (2021).

i’m cut from toxic cloth and you’re probably cut from it, too you’re an empty reflection of the hands that made you

[henrysglock]

Local Man Uses The Cyclical 27-Year Torment Nexus To Try And Change His Fate [EPIC FAIL COMPILATION]

You probably guessed that this is the time-travel post I've been slaving over. You'd be right. This is the newest and most formal iteration of my long-standing time loop theory (I have drafted flowcharts back from February that actually predicted a dimension/time fuckery event in 1943 in relation to Brenner, which was made canon by TFS). So...Let's just dive right in. Note: I'm planning to keep calling TFS Henry "Henry" here just for simplicity's sake.

Now, fair warning: There are a few big "bear with me"s in this post. I promise they make sense, I just need you to hear me out.

It all started with Henry's self-proclaimed superhero name: The Stardust Spider.

Some of you may have seen my original post about The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders from Mars (here).

Before anyone says "Oh, but that album didn't exist yet", a reference in 1959 about a Bowie album that wouldn't be recorded until November of 1971 is in keeping with TFS's habit of directly referencing things from the '70s that "don't exist yet".

However, all that aside, there's a specific piece I want to return to, because it bugs the living daylights out of me.

There was a cut song that was meant to go on the album The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders from Mars titled "Shadow Man":

For obvious reasons in relation to Henry in The First Shadow, this song already stuck out.

Specifically, though, these few stanzas hit me weirdly:

You should call and see who answers For he promises to come running Guided by the truth For the Shadow Man is really You Look in his eyes and see your reflection Look to the stars and see his eyes He'll show you tomorrow, he'll show you the sorrows Of what you did today You can call him foe, you can call him friend You should call and see who answers (see who answers) For he knows your eyes are drawn to the road ahead And the Shadow man is waiting 'round the bend ('round the bend) Shadow man is waiting up ahead

The Shadow Man is you from the future. He's waiting up ahead to show you the the truth/the consequences of your actions.

Considering that the TFS version of Young "Henry" has a direct connection to both the Shadow and Dimension X from a young age, and he also experiences what seem to be Vecna-type visions, this becomes particularly interesting to me...Especially seeing as said fates are not only possible for future "Henry", but also canon for future "Henry". (See: Vecna guy vs Mindflayer guy)

So, when I see an almost comical number of lines in TFS relating to rewriting known, undesirable endings (here are a few of my favorites):

And when we revisit some of the on-film classics:

I start to think it's time we revisit the concept of time-travel and trying to change your own fate.

It's always hard to know where to start with posts like these, so I'm going to kick things off with the technical aspect: The Cycle.

Something I've talked about in the past year, mostly on Discord, is this concept of a time loop. Not just any old time loop, though. A 27 year cycle, specifically.

Not 20, not 30...

Now, we all know the TFS timeline is messy as hell and doesn't actually align with anything that's possible in filmed canon...or within its own time span, even.

For example, the attack on Mr. Newby happens both some point after October 1st, 1959 and before November 20th, 1959...but the papers for the incident report it on March 20th, 1958:

The timeline we're given also largely fabricated, as I pointed out in relation to the newspapers with dates that don't actually exist.

However, much like NINA, the sequence itself being fake doesn't mean the events didn't happen. It's just not happening in the time frame we're told it's happening in:

It's a set of real events, just portrayed on a different time scale.

So, with all that in mind, I want to lay out a timeline, starting from Season 4 and moving backwards in time:

— Vecna opens the rifts, and El opens a gate to Dimension X in NINA, both in 1986. The March 1959 Creel Murders occur exactly 27 years before the Rifts and NINA's Dimension X gate open in 1986...at which point the Mindflayer is shown to be active.

— Mothergate opens through to Dimension X at some point between November 1983 and October 1984, this being somewhere between 16-28 months prior the Rifts opening. The paper about the attack on Mr. Newby, dated March 20th, 1958, is released exactly 610 days, or 20 months, prior to the Creel murders on November 20th, 1959. It's not necessarily the exact dates that are important here (again, these dates are relatively unreliable), but the gap between the dates.

When put in accordance with filmed dates (i.e. setting the release of this paper exactly 610 days prior to March 22nd of 1959), the paper for the attack on Mr. Newby would have been released on July 20th, 1957. This would be in line with Edward Creel's move to Hawkins in the spring of 1957...while also occurring 27 years before July of 1984, at which point Mothergate is open, and the Mindflayer is active.

This July date is especially funny to me considering we get "throwaway" lines like this...with shots in filmed canon from summertime:

Top: Joyce and Jim beginning their investigation into the attic attack. Hopper Sr. is questioning why Joyce and Jim are investigating, rather than attending school. Bottom: Alice and Henry with the rabbit death scenes in filmed canon, the setting showing full foliage and both children in summer clothing. "Is it summer break?" I don't know. You tell me, Chief.

Per TFS, Henry went missing in a cave system near his home town of Rachel, Nevada (hold that thought) at some point in the year prior to the attack on Mr. Newby. We've been told that Dimension X was involved in this event in Nevada, something happened there that left "Henry" altered physically. He was also flayed at some point around this time.

This all coincides with Henry's dramatic mood shift from a "normal and good" boy to one suffering from Mindflayer-induced psychosis. This change happened in tandem with the Nevada incident, dating back 10 months prior to the attack on Mr. Newby:

If we set Henry's initial disappearance in line with filmed canon like before, it becomes September of 1956, which is just over 27 years before Will's disappearance in November of 1983, at which point we know at least one gate is open.

We also have 1952, at which point TFS Henry would be 7 per his age as a 14 year old/freshman in play canon. This exists in a 27 year interval against 1979, when El opens the original gate that sends One to Dimension X, where he subsequently shapes the Shadow into the Mindflayer.

Here comes the first "hear me out".

My questions are:

Since Henry/Vecna/The Mindflayer/etc. in general don't show any capability for opening gates before 1986, then how the hell is the Mindflayer possessing anyone in 1959?

How did "Henry" get involved with Dimension X in Nevada in the 1950s?

Unless, by some chance:

Dimension X exists all the time simultaneously (i.e. it's a space outside time)

The gates exist simultaneously across time and space in the Right Side Up in 27 year intervals. By which I mean: A gate that opens in, say, 1983 would exist simultaneously in 1956, so on an so forth.

There's the disappearance of Captain Brenner and the USS Eldridge in 1943, which would, interestingly enough, align with 1970, the supposed year of El's conception.

Then, 1952. Now, I'm not sure what's special about 1952, when TFS "Henry" was 7, because they don't actually say what happened to make that year important! They make a point to show it to us, though, meaning something happened...we just don't know what. All I can say is that 1952 does exist in a 27 year interval against El's 1979 gate. Hold that thought.

Those addressed, let's fast-forward 4 years: 1956/1983.

Now, to be fair, there is some uncertainty in my mind about whether this specific gate incident stems from Brenner's involvement with Project Rainbow in Nevada pre-1957*, or if it stems from Mothergate in 1983, or if they created some kind of wormhole between the two locations 27 years apart...but that's a concept I need to explore more thoroughly in a another post.

In short, though: Did a singular El open a singular Mothergate? Did El open mothergate? Did Mothergate actually open on November 6th, 1983...or are we just supposed to assume it opened the same night Will went missing/the demogorgon came through? We're never given a concrete date for when Mothergate actually opened.

* In TFS, Brenner claims he's dedicated his life post-1943 to Project Rainbow with the goal of finding Dimension X, and that he's doing so in pursuit of knowledge regarding the circumstances of his father's death in connection with the Philadelphia Experiment. The USS Eldridge, Brenner Sr.'s ship, disappeared into Dimension X briefly on October 28th, 1943. "Brenner Sr." was the sole survivor. "He" returned to the Right Side Up with a completely unique blood type, supposedly altered by his travels into Dimension X. This is what ultimately led to him succumbing to his injuries, due to his body rejecting all forms of blood transfusion. Brenner Jr. tells us that about 10 months prior to Henry's first stay in HNL, a scientist from Project Rainbow escaped Brenner's lab carrying a container of a dangerous material, and ended up near the same Nevada cave system Henry disappeared into. We don't know how or when this material was collected, or what it was, but we know they found Henry's Captain Midnight spyglass next to a body (identity unspecified) with no trace of that dangerous material. We get no further detail about the Nevada Disappearance.

Anyway, someone opens a gate in the fall of 1956 and/or 1983 (my money's on it being directly linked to an El in 1983 either way). No matter who did it, though, someone opened a gate at both time points, showing us this 27 year link between the 2 dates, 2 key locations.

"Henry" goes missing in Nevada in 1956, and ends up involved with Dimension X...Which aligns with the choice of song surrounding this version of the Creel family while they move into their new home:

Coincidentally, 27 years in the future, so does Will, in Indiana. Their experiences are linked across those two spaces via that 27 year period.

We know that regardless of the gate in Nevada...Mothergate, at least, stays open until from fall 1956/1983 to fall 1957/1984. That covers exact time frame that the adjusted dates for both Henry's accident with the boy in Nevada and his accident with Mr. Newby fall in (as well as Will's time between his disappearance and his flaying).

The closer we get to Will's flaying in 1984, and the closer the Mindflayer gets to crossing through Mothergate, the more TFS Henry sounds like One (post-1979) while he's possessed in 1957, the more strangely he behaves in general (almost as though the Mindflayer is more enmeshed in his everyday life/closer to the surface), and the stronger the possession attempts seem to become overall. He begins giving nightmare visions to other people, namely tormenting Virginia with spiders and her past. He has his final and most powerful "Vecna" vision on the night of the attack on Mr. Newby.

Any kind of reciprocal gate irt Mothergate in the '50s would have gone unnoticed, since the papers in TFS indicate that HNL wasn't established until Brenner showed up to take Henry in.

Mothergate closes briefly, only for a gate to open in July 1958/1985 in the underground location of the future Starcourt Mall. This, in 1958, is during our unaccounted-for 20 months between the attack on Mr. Newby and the Creel murders. (Something rattles about this and the scene where Henry nearly makes full contact with the Mindflayer, when he has a handful of duplicate lines re: his 4.07 monologue self, but I don't have sufficient evidence to make that claim with any certainty.)

That gate closes, until Vecna opens gates in Hawkins in March of 1986, and El opens a Dimension X gate briefly and simultaneously in both Hawkins/Nevada in September of 1979 (September of 1952) and Hawkins/Nevada in March of 1986 (March of 1959) during NINA, concurrently...at least one of which may have gone unnoticed, since the Rainbow Room and the surrounding labs seems to have been abandoned entirely after 1979, and HNL as a whole has once again been abandoned after the events of 1984 ("unnoticed" and "abandoned", I say as if the building isn't still being surveilled by Brenner/Owens et. al...I just mean that the building isn't in use by the government at that point in time.)

We're shown the Shadow activating all the way in Russia due to one or multiple of these events. 27 years earlier, in March of 1959, the Mindflayer once again becomes active, per TFS's adjusted dates. Chaos ensues.

At this point, "Henry" starts swapping between sounding like his young self and sounding like his 4.07 Monologuing Adult self again, doing that kind of "I've seen the future" foreshadowing talk with Joyce that his visions did with him:

Here, he also sounds distinctly like ST3 flayed Billy, specifically in the way of the scene with El in the cabin when "Billy" outlines the Mindflayer's plans for her, her friends, and all of Hawkins while crying.

The rest is, well...history. Whatever fuckery went on, it doesn't seem to have made much of a difference. After all, TFS is a "canon event", meaning it had to end the way it did.

Remember those thoughts I asked you to hold?

TFS being a "canon event" means it had to end with Henry in the lab alongside baby El...thus completing our loop, which starts again with the events of 1979/1952. A 27 year loop. TFS may be indicative of a time loop.

Hence:

Out of place dates from the 1970s start to bleed into the 1950s: - A town like Rachel, Nevada, which wasn't established until 1978, now exists circa 1952-1959 after El opens a gate to Dimension X circa 1979 in Nevada circa 1986 via NINA, which exists...about 40-50 miles from Rachel.

- An album like Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars (November, 1971) or a song like "Chuck E's In Love" (April, 1979) gets referenced circa 1957-1959. - An article about a "younger, more handsome" alien clone of Elvis appears in a 1959 Weekly Watcher paper about the Creel murders, despite Elvis having been 24 at the time...making this an article more likely to have appeared in the '70s or later, likely sometime around Elvis' death in 1977.

2. The Shadow is always depicted as the fully formed Mindflayer circa 1956-1959, despite the shaping event happening in the 4 years between 1979-1983:

3. Henry has Vecna-type visions, despite being the only vision-giver we know of circa 1957-1959.

4. 6 different guys later in the HNL massacre: 2 with the original baby El, 2 with teen El via NINA, and 2 in an as-of-yet unseen product of NINA's Loop (see: the final scene of TFS).

All this laid out, some questions remain:

Why do Henry's visions show him the genuine, terrifying reality of his future?

Why are these visions generally lacking in coercion?

Why are Vecna chime sounds heard before the major supernatural events that deal with visions, even though we never actually see the clock? (They're heard before Virginia in the attic, before the attack on Mr. Newby, before the Creel murders, and in the basement when Henry monologues at Joyce while viewing the corpses of his family.)

Why don't these chimes play when the Mindflayer alone is present, e.g. when no visions occur? (See: Henry contacting the Mindflayer in the lab)

And we don't really get an answer to any of these. Not an easily spotted outright answer, anyway.

But what's really fascinating, which I mentioned just a second ago and takes me back to the top of this post, back to the "Stardust Spider" and Shadow Man, is the fact that despite occurring concurrently with the possession attempts...none of these visions contain an ultimatum. There's no "If you don't obey me, I'll hurt someone you love", no "I'm showing you what's going to happen if you don't obey me", nothing of the sort.

The closest we get to coercion is the bathroom vision, when Henry fights off a possession attempt in the school bathroom and ends up in a vision regarding Patty. When "Patty" starts to talk to him about his future, about how Henry's going to kill her and so many others, Henry says "you're not Patty...what are you?" Then he gets into a physical brawl with her, which is surprisingly well matched. Vision Patty encourages him during that fight, saying things like "That's it!", "We want the same thing!", and "We can have her!"

Those seem like pretty straightforward "the Mindflayer's encouraging Henry to kill" encouragements, right?

Yeah, at first glance. However...lets read that back right quick, but with Moral Objectivity Goggles on this time. Henry openly, verbally identifies that Vision Patty is "not her, not Patty", but is, in fact, something else. He does this multiple times before he lunges at "not Patty", and he is subsequently encouraged by not-Patty...who tells him they want the same thing. That's not suspicious at all. The motives here are definitely crystal clear and totally aren't conflicting in any way.

There's the straightforward surface aspect, and then something else piggybacking on it, complicating it. Hold that thought.

Other than that instance, the negative parts of Henry's visions are all just...information. They're showing him what will come to pass...almost like they're motivating him to fight the Mindflayer. Hold onto that thought too, it buddies with the previous one.

Henry's freaking out about Prancer because he's getting close with Patty, and he's worried he'll hurt her?

His vision informs him that he's going to kill more, that he's going to hurt things, that he's going to kill Patty if he stays around her and/or gives into the Mindflayer's desires. And then it happens. All of it. He kills more animals. He hurts things and people, the pets and lab animals, Mr. Newby, and Inmate 58361 being prime examples. He gives in to the Mindflayer's desire to kill and kills Virginia. He does, by the extent of his perception, kill Patty in the accident.

The same goes for his vision in the attic. Henry's up in the attic using his powers to find someone/snoop on them, fearful of opening himself up for a possession attempt?

The vision version of Patty's mother catches Henry and tells him she "wants to tell him a secret" while his body is being puppeted to attack Mr. Newby. The next time the curtain rises to show us the inside of Henry's mind, he's seeing himself as Vecna, strung up on the tentacles and strangling people with them...just like the end of Season 4. Once again, he's seeing the future that will come to pass...should he fail to fight the Mindflayer off.

We can tell it's a vision, not what's physically happening in reality, because: a) Henry's watching himself in the attic from the stage below. b) It's got the messed up red lighting c) They show us reality just moments before, not a tentacle in sight and without Henry on the stage there observing:

d) The ending of the vision doesn't match with reality:

At the end of this vision, Henry passes out both in the void and IRL, while the vision version of Henry remains crouching. That is a different guy, entirely separate from IRL/Void Henry. There is at least one other person in the visions who is not a product of the vision itself.

Remember those thoughts from a bit ago that I asked you to hold?

Well. This also happens to be the sequence where we not only get Vision-Patty repeating Henry's own words from just after Prancer's death ("It's not real. It's not real. It's a nightmare") back to him, a phrase IRL Patty has never heard, but we also get:

Visions Patty telling Henry how to fight and evade the possession, as if she knows what she's doing ("It's your dream, remember? Anything is possible").

Vision Patty telling Henry she loves him as the last-ditch effort when his "good dream" memory of the real Patty fails to save him from the possession.

These are both things IRL Patty wouldn't know or think to say, since IRL Patty fully believed that Henry attacked her of his own volition out of malice, and she needed to be shown a drawing of the Mindflayer by Mr. Newby in order to abandon that belief.

IRL Patty's behavior is not the behavior of someone who a) knows the ins and outs of Henry's situation with the Mindflayer, and b) coached him through overcoming a possession attempt a little while earlier. It's just not.

Just like before, we're seeing contradictions and complications between vision-selves and IRL selves, along with a sense of piggybacking within possession attempts, wherein the vision serves as motivation for Henry to fight harder in resistance to the Mindflayer...while the Mindflayer is possessing him.

It's starting to become my favorite thing in the world: A pattern of behavior.

In summary:

Henry's are visions are visions of his future, and they're being shown to him by someone.

They are separate from, but piggybacking on, the Mindflayer's possession attempts.

The purpose of the visions isn't solely to torment Henry or coerce him into doing the Mindflayer's bidding. In fact, the content of the visions seems curated to make Henry fight harder in resistance to the Mindflayer.

So if, for example, Vision Patty ≠ IRL Patty, but she's acting against the Mindflayer's best interest/in support of Henry...then...

I think my answer to the questions of "who", "when", and "how" should be at least somewhat clear by this point:

Someone...from the future.

Specifically, someone from 1979-1986 who has access to the gates from the Dimension X side, someone with both vision-giving and time-related abilities who's directly connected to the Mindflayer/the Hive Mind, but who has a vested interest in countering the Mindflayer, saving Henry Creel, and trying to change the course of the future.

A traitor. A spy, if you will.

"A spy...from the future?"

[gestures at the Signs] Yeah, you heard me.

A spy from the future.

So, on that note: The point in this section wherein I ask you to hear me out.

I get the feeling TFS Henry is being told and/or shown what will come to pass in the future by himself...the Mindflayer.

And you're probably going "How do you figure that one, James? Isn't the Mindflayer a villainous force?"

I mean, yeah. Of course it is. However...

There are clearly multiple forces at play within the Mindflayer (hive mind!), and TFS shows us that Henry Creel wouldn't choose to be a villain.

Thus I think the visions in TFS are situations where, as in the 4.07 rabbit scene, things look really damning on first view. They play on our empathy using small, visibly-frightened, helpless victims and shocking, violent circumstances to guide us into making the assumption that everything about the situation is inherently malicious.

We're shown this poor little guy, "Henry". He's 14 years old, he clocks in at 5'5", he's skittish/scared of (ha) his own shadow, and he's geeky to the nth degree about comic books (just LOOK at that Captain Midnight salute? What an cute little nerd). He's immediately lovable. He's also, we find out rather abruptly, plagued by horrific visions and murderous fits of possession.

The immediate response is to go "He's being psionically tortured by some sick, sadistic son of a bitch who hungers for nothing but blood and control", just like Nancy and the ST fandom collectively did with Young Henry's rabbit scene...only to be proven wrong about Henry's intentions via TFS.

I mean, does anyone (anyone who's able to read this post, anyway 🤭) look at TFS Henry, filmed Young Henry, or even Orderly Henry and go "Yeah. He totally wanted what he got, and if he had the chance, he definitely wouldn't try to save himself from that fate"?

No.

TFS Shows us that "Henry" was a terrified, traumatized boy who wanted it all to stop. He's kind, brave, and stronger than he seems. We're also shown that he's capable of overcoming the Mindflayer to issue warnings to people he cared about (i.e. telling people to run, or prophesying dangers he'd seen via the visions). He was trying to survive with next to no help while causing as little harm as possible. He was a good kid, and he certainly wasn't evil.

So, all that said...I think that, via the Shadow's hive-mind capabilities, Henry's "fronting", in a manner of speaking, in order to show this version of himself the future. Probably as a warning, probably as motivation to fight the Mindflayer, and all with a nice side-dish of "here's how you fight this thing off so that my current future doesn't become our future" before someone else tapes over the figurative laptop camera.

[coughs, drops this Brenner-Mindflayer collage on the table in front of you, and then scurries away]

With that said, I'd like to loop all the way back to the top of this post: The "Shadow Man" may be Henry from the future. He's waiting up ahead to show his younger self the true outcome of his choices.

We all know how TFS ends, though. Hence:

[EPIC FAIL COMPILATION]

This brings me to my final "bear with me" point: The matter of the strange double-agent vibes from the UD in every season.

I'm not sure if anyone else outside the unholycule has noticed this, but in every season there's at least one instance of the UD just...offering up information.

"It does?"

Yup! Let me explain.

On first glance, we look at things like Nancy's vision and even El's vision with Billy in the cabin, and we go "Oh, it's because [insert "the bad guy's cruel/he wants to scare her/his hubris will be his downfall/all serial killers want to be known for their crimes" etc here]"...but maybe that's not the case.

For example: Vecna told Nancy his backstory, and then he immediately went

"Oh hey, so not only am I revealing my identity (Which may help you find out more about me via lab records later on, things like...maybe a list of my abilities, or my weaknesses, like the fact that I have a nut allegry. Allegedly.), but I'm also gonna give you a sneak peek of my apocalypse plans. For free. As a treat. Don't use these to prepare or anything. I'm totally not giving you a head start".

Terrifying, yes. A taunt and a threat on surface view, yes...but also showing his hand. "I want you to tell Eleven everything you see" Why. Why would he want that. He may be confident in his plans, arrogant, even...but he's not that stupid.

I'm serious, though. Check it out in comparison to Henrys visions of the future. The pattern is patterning:

We can track that back to El's cabin scene with Billy, wherein he tells her she shouldn't have looked for him, warns her that they all can see her, and that they're going to be coming after her...and he cries about it. That's vision Billy. That's someone else who piggybacked into El's mind from Billy's mind. That's not real Billy, just like how Billy in Max's vision wasn't the real Billy. The person giving El that vision warns her. Why on earth would he tell her that they can see her, that they're coming for her? That's sensitive information! It would be smarter to let her think she's safe and use that false sense of security to catch her off guard.

In fact, this pattern patterns so well that I'd like to argue this: Henry's TFS visions, Nancy's vision, and El's vision are all the same type of behavior displayed in NINA's chess scene, just in different contexts.

Henry ("Henry") gives some kind of scary prophetic information ("He and the others are going to attempt to kill you", "I would very much like to show you where I am going", "You're going to kill me, aren't you?"), and then we're left to question if it's a scare tactic, manipulative misinformation, or helpful inside information.

It's not that the Mindflayer or Vecna can't hide things from people (see: "Somewhere he didn't want me to see")...like, say, the fact that the Mindflayer is now able to see El, or that Vecna's planning to open 4 gates with his 4 kills.

It's always this miraculous "Huh! Weird info-dropping behavior from the UD's side. Shouldn't look that gift-horse in the mouth though. It's probably just a writing oversight or a shoehorned exposé, so really there's no need to question it." situation where it's just...information that's offered up with no real explanation.

Some of my favorite examples:

...and it's all topped off with Max's line:

"He's been telling us his plan this whole time".

That is to say...You're telling me:

The first message from the Upside Down isn't any of the messages that are concretely Will's, but instead it's the one that's a repetitive Henry line...and it's conveyed in a distinctly not-Will style? A message that saves Joyce, something that's definitely not in the UD's best interest given her tenacity in finding her boy...but is definitely coming from the UD nonetheless?

Will, who fell total prey to the Mindflayer in less than 3 days, was not only able to figure out how to defeat the Mindflayer, but was also strong enough to convey it in Morse code? The Mindflayer, who is able to keep secrets (see below), just...let that information slip?

El, who acknowledges that the Mindflayer is more than able to hide things from her, is suddenly released into Billy's memories and allowed to find the source unimpeded?

The Mindflayer, as Billy (Remember: not actually Billy, because Billy can't give visions or invade minds), is telling El that because he's able to see her now, she shouldn't have looked for him? The Mindflayer, which was supposedly building the Fleshflayer to track El down and kill her? Suddenly he's telling her she shouldn't have done the thing that allowed him to find her more easily?

Vecna's giving up all the information about himself and his plans before he's even gotten the 4th gate open, despite him being so secretive about it up until that point?

Henry's visions in TFS are going to scare him into resisting the Mindflayer, making it less likely that he's going to upgrade to killing humans, i.e. the very thing the Mindflayer wants him to do?

None of that makes any damn sense...until we hit this last point:

Orderly Henry is known for giving inside information about "Papa" to El with no clear motive other than getting her to leave the lab.

Now, if you know my page then you know Em's been talking about double meanings in phrasing recently (see: this post about "who"s and "what"s).

So, with that in mind, I'd like you to chew on this:

"He's been telling us his plan this whole time." vs "He's been telling us His plan this whole time."

By which I mean: "He's been telling us some other man's plan this whole time."

[Mike voice] Superspy.

As a parting thought, I made it all into a nice, neat set of collages:

Not to mention this final, parting bit:

[nhl-stories]

I'll Call You Mine – Elias Pettersson

Summary: Elias is sick of being the single guy on the team so he asks his friend with benefits to pretend to be his girlfriend. Good thing pretending to be a girlfriend is her profession.

Author’s Note: Explicit sexual content below, sex work (the two aren’t one in the same)

Word Count: 9.6k

Album Series Masterlist

Break me down And I'll call you mine And I know I've been around

Geena feels a hand press between her legs, her body pushes against the friction by its own volition.

She doesn’t have time for this, she says as much in her grogginess.

“Too worn out for another round?”

“Whatever makes you feel better Casanova,” she removes the hand and throws it behind her.

It doesn’t completely deter him; he moves to kiss her bare shoulder.

“E, seriously I can’t smell like sex at work, and I have just enough time to sleep for 10 more minutes and shower.”

He lets out a heavy sigh and buries his face between her shoulder blades.

“Who gets an escort at 4 pm on a Tuesday?”

Elias always says escort like it’s any other job. Like he’s mentioning a waitress or accountant or something. It is like any other job, but it’s not how most people react.

“It’s my favorite client, once a week he has me hold his hand at an early dinner and wear a sundress.”

“Okay then come back tonight,” he glosses over the details without judgment.

It’s refreshing.

They’re just fucking; she never has to put up with any shit even if he gave her any. If she ever felt slighted in the least, she knows she could find at least ten other guys to put in her sex rotation.

But Elias is the most consistent partner she’s ever had and it would be hard to give up just because he was being a judgmental ass.

She’s spent years putting up with that kind of behavior, she has thick skin. But there’s something nice about not needing to shield herself, let her soft underbelly show.

“I have a second client afterward, that might run pretty late and don’t you fly out tomorrow?”

“No, we just have an optional morning skate tomorrow.”

“So, you’re going to skate? Optional isn’t really your thing,” she smirks even though he can’t see, she knows him so well.

Elias wraps an arm around her waist and pulls her into him, makes sure she can feel his arousal. Makes sure she knows what she’s giving up for some extra sleep and a shower.

She lets out an airy sigh that borders on moan. Instead of leaning into that desire she rolls over and out of the bed.

“I’m not humoring you on this,” Geena laughs so Elias knows she’s not actually angry, “but I don’t work tomorrow so I guess I can come back tonight.”

It doesn’t quite appease Elias, who grabs her arm and pulls her back into a kiss. It’s simple, no demands behind it, but it still makes Geena second guess leaving. She has just enough will power to pull away and go to the bathroom, not giving Elias a second glance.

She comes back out already dressed; a blue sundress that brushes her mid-thighs, her hair tied into a single braid hanging over her shoulder. It’s the picture of innocence, but it sets something on fire in Elias. He kind of understands now why the man wants her to dress like this.

Geena seems to notice the flash of lust in his eyes and blows him a kiss, worried what will happen if she gets too close, “don’t wait up.”

Elias waits up, not entirely on purpose. He’s playing video games with some friends in Sweden when he hears the apartment door open. He’d given her a key so she could come and go when they meet up late for booty calls, her words not his.

“You’re not streaming, are you?” He hears her whisper from the doorway.

“No, but I’ll be done in a minute.”

He continues to play and Geena comes and wraps her arms gently around his shoulders, careful to not jostle him.  She gives him a couple of soft kisses along his jaw and he feels something cold press against the back of his neck.

He turns to see the outfit change Geena made since he last saw her. The braid is replaced with a mane of wild waves and she’s wearing a virginal white dress that almost glows, even more so against the leather harness she’s wearing over it.

He mumbles something in Swedish before turning off the game and turning towards her.

“This is new,” he plays with the metal ring that sits between her clavicles.

She rolls her eyes, suddenly looking exhausted.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she runs her hands over his shoulders until they link together behind him, “but I could use some help taking it off.”

“I think I could lend a hand.”

Elias stands up and kisses her, she tastes like gin; he wraps his fingers under the straps to pull her closer.

She’s on her tip toes to reach his lips, leaving her unbalanced or maybe that’s the feverish pace of the kisses.  

“Wall… bed… flat surface,” Geena breaths out between kisses.

Elias smirks against her lips and pushes her towards the nearest wall slotting his knee between her legs.

“I’m glad you came back,” he bunches up her skirt and rubs her through her lacy underwear, a patch of wetness already forming, “I guess you are, too.”

“Just do something,” she bucks against his hand.

He moves to kiss down her neck, but doesn’t make any forward progress with his fingers. If anything, his touch becomes lighter, only ghosting over Geena even as he moves her underwear down her legs.

The frustrated groan Geena makes has his cock twitching.

She pushes him away with some force, enough to give her space to kick of her panties and pull Elias back by his waistband. His thigh is pressed back against her and she moves rhythmically against him, desperate for friction.  Her hand reaching in his shorts and gripping his cock, stroking it to full attention with expert quickness.

“Fuck G,” he groans and pulls her back into a kiss, desperate to find some leverage.

Her hips circle more erratically, like she’s close to finding her climax just rubbing against his leg like an animal. As hot as that is, Elias wants more.

He moves his hands down her body, over her ass and to the back of her thighs, lifting her further up the wall and off her feet.

She gasps, half in displeasure at the loss of contact when she’s so close to falling over the edge and half in excited anticipation.

Geena helps line him up while he holds her against the wall; she doesn’t have time to waste, knowing she won’t last long.

Elias shows his control and strength as he slowly lowers her down his length. It’s too much, but it’s perfect. They feel every centimeter on the way down, until he bottoms out.

He looks up and sees her pupils blown out looking back down at him. Geena opens her mouth like she has something to say, but a strangled sound comes out instead.

She leans down to kiss him, mouth hot and tongue clashing against his. She grips his shoulders and pushes herself up, aching for Elias to move. He gets the hint and jackhammers his hips up towards her.

He keeps up the brutal and unrelenting pace, he can’t keep his lips working at the same time and leans his head forward on her chest. Geena digs her nails into the back of his neck, digging crescents so deep they might draw blood.

He bites into one of the leather straps of her harness, his movements becoming more irregular, wilder.

“Babe, I’m close, just keep going.”

Geena leans back into the wall, changing the angle just enough.  Everything feels hotter and tighter, and Elias bites harder into the leather as he feels her milk his orgasm out of him.

Still, he doesn’t slow his pace even as it becomes almost too much, too overstimulating. He thrusts until Geena lets out a whimper and goes nearly limp in his arms. Elias suddenly aware of her weight and the burning in his arms and thighs.

He slides her down the wall until her feet touch the ground again. Her legs wobbles and he has to hook his fingers under the straps to help hold her up.

Elias pulls her along to his bedroom, sitting her down in her post-orgasm haze. He gently undoes the straps of the harness and slides it off her body. He moves to her dress, pulling the garment over her head. She’s pliant and dazed, but gives him a soft smile before she scoots up the bed.

He goes to the bathroom and gets a washcloth and runs it under warm water. He gently washes the mess between her thighs, where her juices and his come are leaking out of her, running down her thighs.

“Sorry, I should have showered,” she says sleepily, giving his bicep a gentle squeeze.

He doesn’t respond, just removes his own clothes that never came off and joins her in the bed. He gently kisses below her breasts, her sternum, her shoulders where deep red marks from the too-tight straps of the harness scream out red and raw.

Elias wants to say something, ask her questions but it’s not his place to ask. He doesn’t fully understand the intricacies of her job, but they’re just fucking and she doesn’t owe him any answers or explanations.

He kisses her shoulders once more and then her lips, hoping his actions speak a little bit of what he really wants to say.  She cups his face like she understands and curls into his side before closing her eyes.

His fingers rub gently over the indentations around her back until sleep takes him too.

\\\

Geena is cooking eggs when he comes back. Elias has never hated his closet full of baggy clothes more than right now; Geena is swimming in one of his shirts making her look like she’s more of a blob than a tantalizing, half-naked woman.

“I thought you going to be ready and waiting for me in bed?”

“I got hungry,” she plates her food before she turns around, “definitely needed to refuel if there was a repeat performance.”

She hops up onto the counter and Elias hates his baggy shirt a little less when it rides up her thighs.

“Before we get back to it…” Elias places a hand on her thigh, “there’s this team event…” he doesn’t know why he’s so nervous.

“Like right now? You could have just texted if you needed to do something.”

“No, there’s this get-together this weekend and I wanted to know if you would… escort me?”

“Escort you…?”

“I’m sick of going alone to these things and wives trying to find me dates while everyone else has significant others.”

“I thought Quinn was single cause he broke up with that girl with the stripper name?”

Elias laughs, ignoring the giddiness he feels when Geena remembers even the most mundane things he brings up between their benefits.

“Lux?”

“Yeah, where was that name when I was a stripper? It’s perfect, you can go with Luxxx with three Xs or Lux Luxury; she’s sitting on a gold mine.”

“Yeah, well Quinn has a new girlfriend.”

“Wow, good for Huggy,” she grins to herself before going back to her food.

“So, what do you think?” Elias tries to get back on subject but is a little embarrassed to say the words again.

“You want me to be your date to get people off your back because you’re fine with having casual sex and don’t need a real relationship, but clearly saying that isn’t working?”

“More or less yeah.”

“I mean I am a professional dater…” she has a devious little grin, knowing she’s making him squirm a bit.

“A big part of why I’m asking you and not one of my other hookups,” he smirks like he actually has a list of other hookups.

She sets aside her now empty plate and runs her nails over his scalp and the buzzcut she’s grown to love.

She lets out a heavy sigh, “I don’t know E, we’re having sex.”

“Not at this exact moment,” he can’t help himself in the moment, being in her proximity brings it out of him.

She rolls her eyes but can’t stop the smile, “I don’t have sex with clients so it would be kind of weird and wrong to make you sign a contract or something.”

“I’m not asking for this to be a big official thing.”

“Elias, you’re thinking this is just a one and done thing, but if you want these people off your back I can’t just show up once and then fuck off.”

She cups his face, wants to make herself crystal clear.

“It means I will have to show up a few times, which makes this a time commitment, and some of those times will be during my prime working hours, which means I’ll be doing my job without making money and that makes the whole thing like an unpaid internship.”

“Okay, then let’s do this under the table,” he kisses up her jawline towards her lips, “and I pay you in sexual favors.”

“In an attempt to avoid me becoming a prostitute for you, you’re suggesting I become a prostitute for you,” she shoves him back a little bit, but he’s between the vee of her thighs and can’t go too far.

“I think the correct term is sex worker.”

Geena lets out a surprised snort.

“I appreciate your nuanced terminology, but I’m technically kind of a sex worker as an escort, so I’m just using it to differentiate. Also, I’m legally allowed to sell sex but it’s illegal to buy sex in Canada so we’re entering a real murky area here.”

She hooks her ankles behind him and pulls him close, “Will you give me a bit to think about it, like a day max.”

“Yeah of course,” he gives her a quick peck, “are you still gonna stick around for the day?”

“Yeah, you properly using the term sex worker weirdly does it for me.”

\\\

She ends up agreeing, there wasn’t really any doubt. She likes making Elias happy.

Geena rolls into Elias’ apartment two hours before he says to come over with a suitcase in tow.

Elias is watching TV in his boxer briefs and looks almost embarrassed to be caught being lazy and disheveled. Even though Geena knows he got in late from a road game in Winnipeg, where the plane had been delayed due to weather.

“Why are you here so early?”

“You gave me like no information about tonight, so I brought some outfit options for any occasion from super casual to full black tie.”

Elias just blinks, not sure how to respond as Geena starts opening the suitcase.

“G, we haven’t even discussed how I would,” he rubs the back of his neck, “pay you.”

He’s getting second thoughts about the whole thing.

“I decided the first one is free, see if I fit in and it feels natural then we’ll discuss payment plan,” she winks and continues pulling out outfits.

“This is a little overwhelming.”

“You’re getting the full Ruby experience. You can still call me Geena though, since we know each other intimately, going with my escort name might be confusing.”

He feels a bit nauseous. He assumes it’s showing on his face because Geena stops what she’s doing and joins him on the couch.

“E, this is literally my profession, I’m taking charge here so you don’t have to worry about stuff. But I have to get some information so you can relax and follow my lead.”

She gives him a quick kiss as a form of reassurance.

“It’s in a private room at a nice-ish restaurant.”

“Great start,” she gets up and holds up a black jumpsuit and a blue dress.

“Uhhh, the dress.”

“Excellent choice, now how do you want me to be?”

“What?”

“How do you want me to act? Cheery? Cerebral? Demure? Mysterious?”

“I just thought you’d act like yourself; I like how you are.”

Geena feels her face heat up.

“And PDA? Are we a little handsy–“

Elias laughs at the irony of that.

“I said handsy not hand job Elias,” she puts a stop to this tangent immediately, “but let’s say casual touching, nothing below the waist.”

“What if I want to grab your ass?” Geena quickly making him calmer about the whole thing.

“Okay, we’ll play the PDA stuff by ear.”

Geena knows the PDA situation the moment the hostess starts leading them to the private room in the back of the restaurant. The confidence Elias had thought he built up immediately crumbles and his whole body tenses up beside hers.

She grabs his hand, knowing she’ll probably be a calming touch away the whole night.  

Were he any other client she wouldn’t say the next thought out loud, “Loosen your grip E, you don’t want them to think you have to physically force a woman to go on a date with you.”

“No, I just have to pay one,” he whispers with a smirk.

She squeezes his hand, reminds him to stay this loose.

The tension comes back almost instantly. Apparently, Geena is the first date Elias has ever brought around, so meeting her is the main event of the evening.

Tension ratchets up further when the obvious question comes up, “how did you two meet?”

His eyes widen and he starts to stutter for a response. Geena has to practically pry her hand loose so she can wrap an arm around his waist and tuck herself into his side. His grip on her shoulder is only a little too tight.

“I was supposed to be meeting a guy in his building for a date,” Elias is shocked that Geena is telling the real story.

“And I’ve been waiting for 15 minutes already and this dude is not answering his buzzer and of course my phone has died in the meantime so I can’t call him or a car to leave. And obviously at this point the weather also has to be terrible and it starts pouring rain and I happen to be standing in front of the only luxury apartment building that has no overhang to stand under.”

She’s a natural conversationalist, Elias looks around, everybody is already enthralled just by the way she talks.

“So, I’m getting absolutely soaked while I’m thinking about what to do next, when Elias comes running from a car that just dropped him off and he lets me into the lobby because I must look too pathetic to be a thief or something.”

“I thought you were a wet dog when I saw you out of the corner of my eye,” he jokes and squeezes her tighter as she gives him a playful bat.

“Okay, I guess he let this wet dog in the lobby and I explained what happened with this other guy, and Elias offers to call me a car but makes me give him my number so I can text him that I made it home safely, which was clearly just a way to get my number– “

“Hey, there are security cameras in the lobby I didn’t want to be the last person on camera to see you if you got murdered.”

Elias feels his face heating up, he’s glad his teammates think it’s because he’s being called out for using a cheesy line. Because while the night really did end that way, Elias had actually invited Geena up to his place to charge her phone and take a dry sweatshirt first.

They ended up having sex on his couch while her phone charged.

“Uh-huh, sure, that’s the reason,” she rolls her eyes before kissing his cheek, he heats up even more.

Suddenly, Elias is relaxed. It’s like Geena passed a test and integrated into the group. She stays a touch away while they mingle until dinner starts.

Elias keeps a casual arm on the back of her chair during dinner, Geena working the room so well he has no idea why he was so nervous.

Then he notices the way Garland is looking at her, like he knows something. He pushes the feeling down and focuses on the warmth of Geena’s body against his palm. Garland spends most of the dinner looking like he wants to ask something, which keeps Elias on edge for most of dinner.

Eventually he gets the courage to ask, “Sorry Geena, you look so familiar, have we met before or do you just have one of those faces?”

Elias stiffens and Geena places a hand on his thigh and rubs it, telling him not to worry.

“I think I have one of those faces. Last time I heard that, someone told me I looked like some woman from pornos, so maybe I have porno face.”

She has big, innocent doe eyes when she says it while other people snort on their drinks. Conor turns pink as his fiancée is torn between laughing and being grossed out. She breaks the tension with a laugh and the topic is dropped.

Geena wouldn’t be surprised if he recognized her, her days as a stripper brought a lot of NHL teams to the club. Even some of the Canucks had made an appearance now and then, no judgement with what adults want to do, just facts.

Many a rookie party wrapped up in the strip club, when most people were too far gone to think about their inhibitions any longer. One of the rookies, usually the most or least sober, would be handed a stack of ones and shoved towards a back room.

She remembers bringing one rookie back herself. When he sat down, she finally realized he was really a boy just playing dress up as a man. Then he burst into tears, words garbled up through sobs and intoxication, something about this not being who he is.

They were about the same age, but Geena felt maternal in the moment.

Geena rubbed his back and assured him she didn’t need to do anything; they could sit until he calmed down. When he finally stopped, she got ice cubes to help get rid of the puffiness around his eyes, a trick of the trade. Once he looked presentable, she slipped him a pair of underwear into his back pocket, a very Sixteen Candles move.

“Oh my god you were incredible,” Elias says as they get into his car after dinner, “no wonder you do this for a living.”

“And you’re so quick on your feet! That porno line, I thought Garly was going to swallow his tongue,” he continues.

“Customer service is the most important part of sex work,” she gives a soft smile.

Normally, after a date with a client she’d have a joint or an edible and if she was still feeling wired, she’d call someone for a hook up. But Elias is her go-to hook up and it makes her whole routine feel out of whack.

She wants to go home with him, have a night cap and at least make out a little, but everything is different and that feels like a boundary she can’t cross. Even with her lover turned sort of client.

“Hey E, can you take me back to my place?”

His foot stutters on the brake, bringing them to a jerky stop and go.

“It’s just I’m tired and since we’re treating this like a real job it feels wrong. I wouldn’t go home with a client; I wouldn’t even get in a car with them.”

“Oh right, of course. That makes perfect sense.”

The car is silent as the lights of Vancouver flash by, Geena slouching further into her seat. The weight of everything seeping into her bones.

Elias pulls up in front of Geena’s building, “Thanks for tonight, I really owe you. But we can discuss my payment later,” he gives devilish smirk and Geena can’t help but smile back.

“Cool, let me know the gossip about me in the group chat later.”

She leans in for kiss, but even though that’s their norm it feels like a violation to her own code of conduct. She bails last minute for an awkward kiss on the cheek which ends up with Elias kissing her right below her eye.

She scampers away before she can see his reaction.

\\\

The weird feeling doesn’t go away after her joint. Not after a boiling hot shower or the cold shower she takes afterwards.

It still doesn’t go away when she texts u up? to the contact ‘For a Good Time 💦’ and she lets him fuck her throat until she’s a mess of tears and snot and can barely talk, let alone think.

After a good night’s sleep, the feeling is still crawling under her skin. It makes Geena want to rub it raw. Since the weirdness isn’t going away any time soon, she pulls up her wish list she sends to some clients, she usually calls it tipping, and sends it to Elias.

Ten minutes later she realizes without context the list seems weird and follows up with: For payment after our next date, leaving what and how much up to you, think of it as my friends discount lmk where and when you need me next

Geena turns off her phone and tries to enjoy her day off, the weird feeling settling like a pair of glasses, still there but no longer aware of them.

It helps that the Canucks are on an East coast road trip. They’ve been hooking up for almost two years but don’t really keep tabs on each other. It’s like the moment either of them leave the greater Vancouver area they become strangers.

So, she’s not surprised that she just has a thumbs up as a response when she turns her phone back on. But she is surprised when two days later there’s a large package at her PO box. She wasn’t actually expecting Elias to work so fast, to be thinking of her on his work trip.

She opens the package at home, there’s a note on top of the tissue: To keep my snack warm, E.

Geena rolls her eyes, but gasps when she pulls out a slate blue cashmere coat. It’s the kind of expensive thing she puts on her wish list without expecting to ever get it. Like putting something too fancy on a wedding registry hoping some rich, distant relative will actually go for it.

She does a grossed-out shiver thinking about Elias as a rich, distant relative.

But it doesn’t stop her from stroking the luxurious coat with awe. She puts it on and it fits perfectly, she thinks she might live in it from now on. It’s too much for one date that was supposed to be complimentary, too grand a gesture. Still, she loves it too much to care.

She shows up at Elias’ place after his first home game back. They won; she knew because the buzz on her phone from the NHL app kept going off during her date with a client. He turned out to be a big Canucks fan, but still it made her mind preoccupied on the job. Always a bad thing in her line of work.

Geena knocks on his door, worried that he isn’t alone. He’s a star Canuck who just won a game in a pretty rough season. He would deserve it and it wouldn’t be hard to find someone for him. Still, Geena ain’t no cock block.

His jacket is off and tie loosened when he opens the door, like he just got home.

“Hey G, the coat looks nice,” Elias smirks as he lets his eyes rake up and down her body, he doesn’t move aside to let her in

“Thank you, it was way too much, but it’s nice.”

Geena tries to casually peer around him, making sure he’s alone. He immediately catches on.

“Are you here for business or pleasure?” his tone cocky.

She shrugs, “I haven’t decided yet.”

Elias makes a show of moving out of the way, revealing for certain he’s alone.

Geena makes a show of walking past him and taking off her coat, revealing her burgundy slip dress with a dangerously high slit.

“Had a client tonight?” Elias moves closer to her.

She nods and takes a step back, “a business man who was a big Canucks fan.”

“That make you think of me?”

“Yeah, and that’s not great for business, I was so distracted I don’t think he’ll give me a good tip,” Geena pouts.

“That’s too bad, you love a good tip.”

The game of sexual tension chicken continues, slowly making their way towards the bedroom. A strap of her dress falls down her shoulder. She has to tense her muscles to not shiver under Elias’ gaze. Before she knows it, she’s falling back onto the bed and Elias is caging her in.

He kisses up her bare shoulder, up her neck, and nips under her ear.

“I guess you’re here for pleasure,” she feels his low voice rumble against her, vibrating her bones.

He starts to suck a mark into her neck and she can’t let that happen. He’s so focused on the task, she takes advantage of the moment to flip him over so she’s on top.

“I guess I am,” she smirks down at him before pulling off her dress and tossing it off the bed.

Elias rubs his hands up her sides, over her silky matching set, “This for your client, too?”

She wants to lie because the truth is boring, this underwear happened to work with the best with the dress. But the truth is also scary, she did think of how Elias would react when she picked them

“No, just for you,” she rolls her hips and Elias groans.

“Next time just wear this under the coat,” he sits up and captures her lips.

She bites his bottom lip and tries to work the buttons on his shirt, “You need less buttons on your shirt.”

Elias laughs and pulls her along as he lays back down. Pulling her body up his, her legs bracketing his shoulders. She’s about to question what’s happening as he kisses the insides of her thighs, moving towards her vagina. He grips her hips to holds her in place as she squirms at the sensations.

She’s so used to giving, this makes her feel off-kilter. She never knows quite what to do when it’s one way towards her, but it should feel good. Biologically her body is reacting like it should, she gasps when he mouths at her through the silky material.

“E,” she tries to push her body up but he doesn’t let her get far, “you don’t have to do this.”

His grip loosens and she’s able to sit back a bit, fully see his face.

“How many times do I have to tell you I want to do this, I like doing this,” his fingers dip below her waistline while he waits for a response.

“Okay,” her voice is smaller than he’s ever heard it, “if you’re sure.”

“I’m sure,” he pulls the waistband of her panties down, “now take these off and sit on my face.”

She does as she’s told, gripping at the headboard and riding his face to an orgasm that makes the blood slosh in her ears. Elias has to tap her thigh to get her to move in the stupor.

“Sorry,” she mumbles and starts to do only thing she know how, return the favor.

Geena moves down his body, but Elias stops her. Instead, he maneuvers her to his side, wrapping an arm around her.

“I’m kind of tired,” he kisses the top of her head, “let’s just sleep.”

“In your clothes?” She’s hoping that will be enough to start something, she hates feeling like they’re on uneven ground.

He rolls his eyes and then out of bed, taking off his clothes as he makes his way to the bathroom. Any of their heat from earlier dissipates as Geena watches him start brushing his teeth through the open door.

He rummages through a drawer and holds out a toothbrush, the green one he bought for her when she started staying over. She hesitantly gets up and joins him at the counter; Elias has his and hers sinks and they each stand in front of one and silently brush their teeth.

Elias keeps making faces in the mirror trying to get Geena to look and laugh, he’s pretty close despite her trying to avoid looking. Then he fakes a blow job: pushing it into the inside of his cheek, then gagging and spitting out the the white foam.  Geena can’t help but let out a belly laugh and chokes on her own toothpaste.

“Don’t try and kill me for a bit,” she gives him a shove after she rinses her mouth.

He just smiles and plucks her toothbrush out of her hand and places it in the cup next to his. There’s a swooping in her stomach, when did being so domestic become so normal?

She lets herself get pulled back into his side when they get back into bed, and she pretends she doesn’t sleep more soundly in his grasp.

\\\

Geena wakes up the next morning in an empty bed. It’s oddly comforting even if she’s not in her own home. She gets up and digs through Elias’ dresser finding a pair of shorts and a shirt, she doesn’t feel like trying to shimmy back into a constricting dress.

She pads out into the living room, gathering her coat and purse, shoving the dress into the tiny bag.

“Morning,” Geena nearly jumps out of her skin.

“Fuck me,” she takes a deep breath and finds Elias holding a mug of coffee and a plate with a croissant.

“I can do that, but maybe you want to eat first,” he smirks before noticing her holding her stuff, “you heading out?”

“I- uh- I thought you left so, yeah,” she still kind of wants to leave now.

“I just went out to pick up coffee, I would have invited you, but thought you could sleep and I’d bring you breakfast in bed.”

Geena isn’t exactly sure what her face does, but Elias frowns.

“Do you need to leave?” His voice is soft.

“No breakfast is good, maybe we could sit outside, it’s actually nice,” that seems to appease him.

Elias has a smoothie with his coffee and Geena gingerly picks at the pastry.

“The team has been asking about you, you were a big hit,” he finally speaks up.

“So, I need to make another sparkling appearance?” she’s grinning but doesn’t look up at him, staring at her toes in the sunlight.

“They were wondering if you wanted to sit with them at a game, and if we win, we can go out after.”

“Like hang out with them when you’re not there?”

“If it’s too weird then don’t worry about it, but you can see a free game and you can even show up late if you want to avoid that much time with them.”

“No, I can do it, it’s fine.”

She pulls her feet up onto the chair, curls her toes into the cushion. Flexing and unflexing, something to remind her she’s not lost at sea, she’s on solid ground.

“Great, would Friday work for you?”

“I’ll have to check my schedule, but that should work.”

She knows she’ll have to cancel with a client, it’s last minute on a weekend night. But she doesn’t want to disappoint Elias.

His smile grows twice in size.

“And in return could you get me reservations at Kissa Tanto?”

He scrunches his eyebrows.

“It’s like impossible to get good reservations there, so use your pretty boy Canuck connections and squeeze me in on like a Saturday.”

“Oh. Yeah, I can probably swing that.”

“I know you can,” she pops the rest of the croissant in her mouth and downs her coffee, “I do have to go now, but I’ll see you later.”

She’s more nervous about the game than she cares to admit. Changing her outfit about four times, stalking WAGs on Instagram just to make sure she’ll mostly fit in. She doesn’t even know why she cares so much, it’s not the first time she’s had to fit in and schmooze a group of significant other, but it is the first time she’s done it without her date.

She shows up during the second period, trying to limit the amount of time she’ll have to spend without hockey going on. Geena knows she can survive one intermission.

As soon as she gets to the seats Samantha pulls Geena to sit next to her.

“Thank god you’re here.”

Geena laughs nervously, wondering why this girl she talked to for maybe 30 minutes is so excited to see her.

“I’m new here too, so it’s nice to have some back up. This whole world is new to me.”

Samantha is smiling, but Geena can read the self-consciousness on her face. She knows what it’s like, back when she was new to a higher class of living, she always felt like people would know she’s some kind of dirty whore, that she didn’t belong and never would.

She soon learned pretending to be confident could go a long way.

“If it makes you feel better this is the fourth outfit I tried on,” Samantha squeezes her arm in response.

The game is fun, it’s the first time she’s seen a hockey game while not on a job in a long time. Though technically she’s still on a job, she doesn’t need to entertain someone else. She forgot how fun it could be. And she finally gets to focus on Elias, how gracefully he skates, the power of his shot; it’s kind of beautiful.

Elias scores a goal and Geena goes nuts, she didn’t know she had that kind of excitement in her.

One of the girlfriend’s films the reaction and the rest of the crowd cheering before Geena can slink out of view.

“What’s your handle Geena?”

“Oh, I don’t do social media,” she shrugs, she does but it’s under the name Ruby and definitely not for all audiences.

There’s a chorus of shock that follows.

“I’ll tag Petey in it then,” she smirks and types away on her phone.

The goal turns out to be the game winner and the group is buzzing, Geena is almost excited to go out with them, like they’re just a group of her friends.

It’s as if she’s in a drunken haze as they make their way into the depths of the arena to greet the players, then she’s pulled into a hug and obligatory kiss with Elias. Suddenly she’s piling into the back of a car that’s so crowded she’s half on Elias’ lap.

It all happens so fast she doesn’t even notice what bar they’re going to until she’s in the door and it’s too late to turn around. She definitely can’t make a scene, so she tries to hide behind the bigger hockey bodies as they go to the VIP section.

She drinks a little too much a little too fast. It loosens her up enough to go out onto the dance floor with some of the other ladies without a second thought. It’s when they go to the bar for some water that reality sets in again.

“Ruby”

Geena is pretty good at compartmentalizing her double life, so she doesn’t react to her alter ego name at first.

“Ruby!”

“I think that guy is trying to talk to you,” Samantha nudges her, making her finally look over to acknowledge the man.

She mumbles an expletive under her breath when she sees her manager, Michael. He likes to keep an eye on the escorts when they’re in a bar, it always seems to be where incidents happen.

“It’s some guy I gave a fake name then ghosted. I’ll go talk to him then meet you guys back at the tables,” she tries to shake the confused stares as she walks over.

“I thought you were taking the night off Ruby?”

“I’m here as Geena, I didn’t realize I was coming here until it was too late.”

“Shit, well Sam is here and he’s not too pleased with his replacement, so you might want to get out of here before you lose one of your best clients.”

“Fuck, I’ll get out as soon as I can. Sorry.”

“Geena, you’re allowed to have a life, just maybe not here of all places,” Michael gives her a sad smile.

She weaves her way back to the group, trying to blend in with the crowd. She clearly looks concerned when she sits back down next to Elias, who hands her his drink.

“You okay?” He leans in close, warm breath on her neck.

"I have a lot of dates here and the client I cancelled on for you is here,” she doesn’t mean to let that last bit of information slip but she’s nervous.

She leans back to look at Elias reaction, she’s not quite sure if he’s worried or happy. She gives him a long kiss in response before moving back to his ear again.

“So, if we get a bit handsy, so you can sort of hide my face and make it so it seems like we’re leaving to go bang that would be great.”

She kisses the spot below his ear, “we can also actually leave and go bang, too.”

Geena’s throwing out her rules of not sleeping with her faux-client after a date, anything to get out of here sooner rather than later.

“Yeah, sure,” he pulls her closer, “I think I can do that.”

They’re in a darkest corner of the table with his teammates, but the moment Elias’ tongue slips its way into Geena’s mouth there’s some cat calling from the boys. She can feel Elias’ hand move off of her, assumably to flip them off.

“I think they’ve had enough of a show,” he whispers and yanks her into a standing position.

There are some obligatory waves to the team before he’s pulling her into his side, hiding her a bit under his shoulder, leaning down to kiss her a bit as they walk to cover her whole face until they’re outside.

Her skin is on fire and the burst of cold air is doing nothing to change that. Geena feels the sudden urge to pull Elias into an alley and get on her knees for him, but she knows that has to wait until they’re as far away from this bar and any prying eyes as possible.

“Thanks E,” she can’t stop from kissing him again, with a little less heat this time.

“No problem, I was promised we’d go bang so not really a problem for me.”

He smirks and grabs her arms and pins them to her side to avoid the playful smack that was sure to come, and kisses her until her knees are weak.

\\\

Elias shows up at Geena’s apartment on a Saturday.

A woman in a silky robe answers the door and Elias worries he’s at the wrong place.

He’s only been inside her apartment once: taking Geena home when she arrived at his place for a booty call a little too drunk. He brought her home and practically carried her into her room, thinking it was best if she slept it off in her own bed.

“Hi, sorry I must be at the wrong apartment–“

“Baby Slut, your lover is here!” The woman shouts back over her shoulder and leans on the doorframe with a smirk.

“What are you talking ab– oh shit E, what are you doing here?”

Geena is also in silk robe holding a mascara wand.

“The Kissa Tanto reservation? It’s tonight.”

She blinks a few times before seeming to come back online.

“Oh, you made them for us,” she points between the two of them, “I was gonna take Xa,” she points to the woman in the doorway.

“I shouldn’t have assumed I was your plus one. You two should go together.”

Elias tries to hide his disappointment and embarrassment but apparently does a bad job.

“No, you two go have a cute little date,” Xa smiles a bit conspiratorially.

“But we’ve been wanting to go there forever,” Geena pouts, Elias hates that he feels like he’s being rejected.

“And I’m sure we can make that happen another time,” Xa give Elias a wink, “Would you be able to do that for us.”

“Uh- yeah of course,” Elias smiles back, “sorry about ruining your plans.”

“Don’t worry about, I can always go to the club make a quick buck,” she’s moving aside so Elias can come in, “someone’s gotta keep Baby Slut here in the life she’s grown accustomed to. Since you’re monopolizing all her billing hours.”

Elias feels his cheeks heat up.

“Let me throw on clothes real quick,” Geena cuts in, “behave yourself Xa.”

As soon as she seems out of earshot Elias asks, “Baby Slut?”

“I took her under my wing when she first started stripping, showed her the ropes. Barely legal girl who could barely get on stage without shaking. She didn’t have anyone taking care of her, so she became my little baby and well–“

She waves her hand implying all the things that could be associated with sex work, making slut seem like low hanging fruit.

It’s a reminder that Geena has already lived hundreds of lives in her short time on Earth. While Elias had only lived his solitary, safe life.

“I wasn’t legal,” Geena is dressed in record time, probably to avoid Xa sharing any embarrassing stories.

“Shhh, I don’t know how long the statute of limitations lasts on abetting a minor in her crimes.”

Geena rolls her, grabbing her coat and shoving Elias towards the door.

“Nice meeting you,” Elias calls over his shoulder.

“You too, have fun and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“Wow, that really narrows it down,” Geena flips her off as she slams the door.

Both parties are desperately trying to decipher dinner’s meaning, is it a date? A real one? With no prying eyes of teammates or payments?

It makes it a little awkward.

They’re staring at their menus in silence like they can’t think of a single thing to talk about, which is absurd for two people who have spent so much time together. Most of it was in throes of passion, but there was always time between rounds or during mornings after lazing in bed or while munching on midnight snacks.

They talk enough that one dinner with no expectations should be easy.

The waiter comes by and takes their orders and they’re both grateful when their drinks arrive.

“Well cheers to our first date, I guess,” Geena makes a goofy face, which make Elias laugh despite the confusion it causes.

“You look really beautiful.”

Geena blushes like no one has ever told her that before. Elias realizes he never has, not without some kind of heat behind it, some innuendo. He wonders if anyone has ever sincerely said it to her.

She starts to nervously gnaw on her lip and Elias knows he needs to change the subject.

“I didn’t realize you had a roommate, Xa seems nice.”

Her face nearly splits with excitement.

“Yeah, she’s the best. I wouldn’t be anything without her. I would still have the pseudonym Buttercup if it wasn’t for her.”

“Buttercup?”

“Don’t laugh!” She kicks his shin, “I was 16 and thought it was all ‘I’m innocent but sexy’, which I was neither.”

“It’s a really terrible stripper name.”

“Like 16-year-old Elias could’ve thought of something better.”

“I think it would at least be a step better than Buttercup.”

Suddenly, the ice is broken. They’re joking and talking like normal, the location is different, but it’s still comfortable. So, Elias takes a calculated risk and reaches across the table to hold Geena’s hand while they finish their drinks after dinner. She doesn’t pull away.

“That was fun,” Geena smiles as she settles in his passenger seat, reaching across the console to put a hand on his thigh, “want to keep it going?”

And of course, he does, he always does. But tonight feels different, so he wants to treat it differently.

“I’m gonna drop you off at home…”

Geena scoffs but doesn’t remove her hand from his thigh, if anything she moves it higher.

“And I’m gonna walk you to your door and kiss you goodnight. Like a respectful date.”

“Your dick has been in like all of my orifices, I think we’re kind of past respectful first date bullshit.”

“So, this was a first date?” he keeps his eyes forward but grins as Geena gives his thigh slap.

“I’ll send you the bill later,” he can hear her rolling her eyes.

“Worth it.”

\\\

“Are you dating Elias Pettersson?”

Geena almost chokes on her champagne.

Her date pats her back as she sputters, she kind of hopes she just chokes to death.

“Am I what?”

They’re standing out on the patio, a black-tie event happening inside. Just her and a long-term client getting some air. She’ll usually do some playful touches let him giver her his jacket to warm her against the chill; anything to make his coworkers think the heat is still alive between them after years together.

But this is new. He’s never asked Ruby about her life outside of their arrangement. He didn’t need to, he just needed arm candy while he wined and dined other rich business men that did something Geena never fully understood.

“Are you dating Elias Pettersson, the Vancouver Canuck?”

Geena feels lightheaded.

“My assistant saw some pictures of you with him. You were at a game with the wives and then out at a restaurant. You looked pretty cozy.”

“We’re not dating.”

“So, he’s a client?”

“I can’t tell you that, you wouldn’t want me telling people about us.”

“No, but I can’t risk looking like a fool because you’re out with someone in the public eye.”

A lump forms thick in her throat. She can’t speak around the feeling.

“So, you’ll understand why this has to be our last date.”

She nods while she tries to find her voice.

“Do you want me to make a scene? I can go a little crazy, make you get a little sympathy for dealing with your crazy girlfriend?”

“I was just going to tell people it didn’t work out because you wanted kids.”

“Very dignified,” she straightens her posture, trying to remain professional.

“I’ll still pay your full rate, but if you want to sneak out early that’s okay too.”

Her eyes burn with tears. She’s never cried in front of client, at least not if they weren’t paying for it. When it’s clear she won’t be able to hold them back for long, she slinks off in shame.

Her first thought is to go to Elias, seek comfort in his arms. She doesn’t even want anything sexual and her shame is replaced with unease. Geena’s not sure which she hates more. So, she takes to her bed like some Victorian maiden and hopes this is all some kind of nightmare.

It’s not.

Xa lets her stay in bed for two days before telling her she has to move on.

“Life happens, shit happens. You of all people should know that,” Xa says as she brushes her hair, a little intimacy that Geena never wants to admit she craves.

Her first outing is to the strip club, which maybe isn’t her best idea. Because being in a strip club at 1 pm on a weekday is never a good look. It’s just her and four men around the main stage. They keep sending her drinks as if she’ll go home with them or give them a lap dance.

She’s drunk by 2:30.

“You coming back to the club, Buttercup?”

Geena’s getting a lap dance from a dancer she used to work with, Sasha, who can only talk to Geena if she keeps dancing.

“If I came back, it would not be as Buttercup,” she’s basically talking to her tits.

“Fine, is Ruby coming out of retirement?”

“Ruby only retired from the stage, but she may be retiring entirely soon,” she slips some money Sasha’s her G-string.

“Shit, another whore going to the good side?”

“I don’t want to, I love what I do, I’m good at it. Just things are getting complicated. How do you live a normal life and do this?”

“It’s not easy, I have to work this shift now so I can see my kids. Money’s not as good but it’s worth being able to have dinner with them and go to their soccer games and shit.”

Geena furrows her brows.

“There’s nothing wrong with living this kind of life if you like it. But that doesn’t mean you have to give up the normal things. You don’t have to live in the shadows just because people make you feel seedy or dirty about your job.”

Sasha gives her forehead a kiss, which is weird after she was grinding into Geena’s crotch.

“You’re not baby Buttercup anymore, you’re badass Ruby and she can do whatever the fuck she wants. And if you don’t believe me Xa will kick your ass into believing. Now get out of here before the night girls come and make you get on stage.”

Geena stumbles out of the club, smelling of thick perfume and booze. Like she used to most nights. It feels like a safety blanket.

In her drunken stupor she calls an Uber to her most common destination, Elias’.

She generally tries to avoid showing up completely unannounced, but she’s too tipsy to think about that and lets herself in without a second thought.

And sitting at the table are two people, who are clearly Elias’ parents.

“Oh shit,” she says it too loud, both heads whip towards her, she can’t sneak out now.

Instead, she stands there frozen, mouth agape, probably looking like a fool.

“You must be Geena, Elias didn’t say you’d be coming by,” Elias’ mom smiles

“Oh yeah,” Geena returns a dopey smile, her brain is about five steps behind.

“I’m Irene and this is Torbjörn,” she stands up and walks toward Geena, “are you a hugger?”

“Nice to meet you and um yeah,” Geena holds out her arm and accepts the hug.

Irene pulls away a smile still on her face. She’s either great at hiding her judgement or doesn’t care Geena reeks of liquor. Knowing Elias’ inability to hide his judgement, she’s guessing the latter.

“Elias should be back from practice any minute.”

“Okay, I’ll just go freshen up really quick.”

She scurries to Elias’ room, hearing Swedish behind her. She hopes they’re not saying anything too bad, hoping it wasn’t too bad of a first impression. She flops on the bed, squeezing her eyes shut when the room starts to spin.

Why does she even care? It’s not like she’s actually Elias’ girlfriend, she’s just convenient, in every kind of way. Nothing more.

But he told his parents about her. His mom was excited to meet her. It felt nice. Like someone stuck around long enough to break through the hard shell around her heart. And maybe she is allowed to have that.

Elias comes in and flops down next to her. Geena finally opens her eyes, turning her head to the side to look at him. His smile is so nice she can’t stop herself from kissing him.

“You smell like a strip club.”

She lets out an airy laugh, “do your parents know that?”

“I don’t think so, they know you’re drunk though. I wanted to give you more warning before you met them, so, sorry.”

“Why would you introduce me to your parents? Did one of your teammates let it slip that you have a girlfriend?” She uses air quotes around the last word.

Elias sits up to get a better look at her, “no, I wanted – we went on a real first date – I thought…“

“E, are we dating now? You want to date me?”

“Of course, I do G! I didn’t realize how much until we started to fake date. But I like spending time with you outside of sex.”

“Even though I’m a dirty sex worker?”

“I wouldn’t call you dirty, unless you wanted me to,” he smirks.

“I just lost a big client because he saw a picture of us together. What happens if more people find out, on either side? I don’t want to quit my job because you’re in the public eye.”

“I’m not asking you to do that, you like what you do and from what I saw firsthand you’re really good at it. So, if you want to tell people what you do, I don’t care. I’ll do whatever you need me to, I just want you to be mine.”

“You really don’t care?”

“What you do doesn't change who you are or what I feel or want to give you.”

“So, you’re kind of mine then?”

He nods and pulls her up for a kiss.

“We should probably leave my bedroom before my parents think we’re having sex.”

“If they already think it…” Geena waggles her brows and playfully bites his shoulder.

He gives her a playful shove back onto the mattress before grabbing her hand, interlocking their fingers and pulling her towards the door, and the future.

[billboard-hotties-tourney]

Cher (1946-) Sonny and Cher - vocals; solo Songs: "I Got You Babe," "Dark Lady" Defeated Opponents: Françoise Hardy Propaganda: "With an amazing voice, fantastic outfits, and multiple comebacks? yeah, Cher." "She looks like a goddess (she's appropriately nicknamed The Goddess of Pop) and I think she could serve in anything! Her outfits in the 70s are so snazzy. At the time, she had the most number-one singles of any female solo artist in US history. She is the only solo artist to date to have a number-one single on a Billboard chart in seven consecutive decades and she is an advocate for LGBT rights and HIV/AIDS prevention." "mama she IS a rich man! I’m sorry if you aren’t already voting for Cher I can’t help you"

Margo Guryan (1937-2021) solo Songs: "Sunday Mornin'," "Think of Rain" Defeated Opponents: Darlene Love Propaganda: "she made one totally brilliant psychedelic pop album that was way ahead of its time and still sounds fresh today, but left the industry not long after, as she refused to tour or make tv appearances, saying that having been married to a jazz musician she'd seen "too much – performing required an agent, and a manager and a lawyer and a booking person and... you got owned by these people – they told you where to go, how to look, how to dress, what to say, and I didn't want that! [...] I guess I had about enough 'daddy' when I was five, and I just didn't like being told what to do." her label quickly ceased promoting her album as a result. it's since become a cult favorite, with saint etienne and belle & sebastian among its fans, and songs she wrote have been recorded by astrud gilberto, julie london, cass elliot, harry belafonte, marie laforêt, and many others."

Visual Propaganda for Cher:

Visual Propaganda for Margo Guryan:

[cherrylng]

ROCK'N'ROLL PREVIEW 2008! - Yannis Philippakis Interview - FOALS [ROCKIN'ON (May 2008)]

FOALS New horizons of art-rock pioneered by rising stars Foals. Interview: Yukiko Kojima

Foals are the 'most eagerly awaited' newcomers in the UK in the first half of 2004, alongside Cajun Dance Party. We wrote in last month's issue that their album 'Antidotes' has an atypical beauty and a novel beat that doesn't belong to any of the current UK/US scene's formulas, but Yannis, the central figure who embodies their sound world as it is, is a bohemian from a different culture who deviates from all common sense more than we expected. He grew up listening to his father's Byzantine folk songs in a village in the mountains of Greece until the age of seven, and at eight he moved to England with his anthropologist mother to attend a school full of middle-class kids. While receiving a traditional British education for gifted children, which was proud and rigid, he fell deeply in love with American hip-hop and suddenly transformed into a rebellious child. At the age of 12, he learnt to smoke, got a piercing, learnt to play guitar at around 14 or 15, became obsessed with US alternative, and spent his time playing live with his childhood friend Jack (drums) in a local mass-rock band that played a lot of noise. They later formed Foals and introduced dance beats and melodies because "we didn't know anything about dance music, so what would it be like if we made dance music?" was the reason. Normally, it would be impossible for a boy like this to get into the prestigious Oxford University in one shot! But he made light work of it, dropping out after just one year to concentrate on his work in Foals. Their subsequent popularity in the UK and US is well known. What a punk! It's the best.

The recording of this album was already finished in New York last summer. Why did it take so long between then and its release? 「Mainly because of the mixing process. When we recorded it in New York, everything sounded the way we wanted it to, but when we got back to the UK and heard the final mix, it didn't sound quite how we wanted it to. So we had to go back to the drawing board and re-mix all the songs ourselves.」

Up until now, David Sitek has been a producer who has mainly worked with US acts such as Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Was it your own choice to select someone with such a creative background? 「Yeah, we wanted to avoid a producer who was steeped in the so-called 'UK indie sound', so we turned to him, but he did the mixing on his own after we returned to the UK. The final mix was a lot more gung-ho with echoes and reverbs than we had expected…… On a human level, he and I were on the same wavelength, and the basic recording itself went well. But at the mixing stage, the essential view of the album was definitely different from what we both had, I guess.」

I have to confess that my first impression when I personally listened to the album was: "What a strange sound/album!" But around the third time I was gradually drawn in, and now I'm completely addicted (laughs). Every day your strange instrumental sounds and songs are going round and round in my head. 「(laughs). You're exactly where we want you to be.」

Yeah (laughs). First and foremost, the tone of the guitar itself has changed. Some songs sound more like mandolin or ukulele than guitar, and the beat pattern is an original mix of Afro, reggae, and rock beats, with many unusual instruments taking the lead. It's also a complete departure from the usual 'verse, bridge, chorus' formula/stereotype of a guitar band. For yourself, how would you describe Foals' music? 「For me personally, what we're doing now is ultimately pop music. I can understand why listeners who are used to listening to regular guitar bands might find this kind of music 'weird' when they hear it for the first time. But how would you categorise music like The Police, Talking Heads or P.I.L., for example, under the usual pop/rock yardstick? There are too many elements mixed in to be categorised as post-punk or new wave, and they are moving into new genres one after the other, so it's impossible to put them into any one genre. My motivation for starting this band was to create accessible pop music in a way that wasn't bound by any stereotypes. So we don't intend to create avant-garde music that is more noble than others.」

I see. So, for your part, are you aware that you are a "guitar band with elements of techno and dance"? Or, conversely, are you aware that you are a "dance band with elements of a guitar band"? 「At least at the moment, up to the point of this debut album, I'd say it's more the former. But the next album might be an album with no guitars at all, or with an emphasis on Mongolian drums. The reason why we introduced dance elements in the first place is because all of us have been doing music that has nothing to do with the so-called dance scene, so we wondered what we would get if we made dance music, what kind of thing would we create? That's how it all started. So for Foals, it's not so much about the predictable direction, but more about what kind of musical adventures the five of us might have together next.」

You grew up with a mother who was an anthropologist living in Oxford, but despite that academic upbringing, why did you decide to be in a band in the first place? 「I grew up in a village in the mountains of Greece, my father's hometown, until I was about seven years old. In Olympos, where the Greek language is still spoken in an archaic dialect, there are many arranged marriages, and the old tradition that all the villagers are either acquaintances or relatives continues. My father still makes folk instruments there. So when I was a child, I grew up listening to Byzantine folk songs that my father used to sing at the dinner table. Then, when I was about eight years old, I came back to Oxford with my mum and was suddenly sent to a school full of middle-class English people. So it wasn't until after that that I came into contact with so-called Anglo-American pop music. At first I started to gravitate towards American hip-hop, like Wu-Tang Clan and Naughty By Nature, and I learnt to smoke at the age of 12 and became a problem child at school. I often skipped classes, hung around downtown, got piercings and beat up my posh classmates, and my mum was called out for it (laughs).」

(laughs). So it was during your rebellious period, when you went from a simple country boy to a delinquent, that you encountered pop music. But despite being a delinquent, you were smart enough to get into the prestigious Oxford University's English Literature Department in a single shot. What kind of bands/artists drove you to music, even after dropping out of such an elite course after just one year? 「After hip-hop, I started going deeper into bands like Skinny Puppy, Butthole Surfers, Swans, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, and maybe early Nirvana. It was around that time that I started getting interested in playing guitar and started playing shows with Jack (drums) in local bands.」

I remember that in the band you and Jack used to be in, Edmund Fitzgerald, you played guitar rather than vocals. 「Yeah, the Oxford scene at the time was full of so-called 'Math Rock' bands, which were experimental bands for the sake of experimentation, and we then formed Foals and started playing guitar. When we started writing songs with vocal melodies and choruses, we started getting shut out of the scene because people were like, "You're messing with low-class pop music". After that, I got out of the local scene and even moved to Brighton with the band for a while.」

Is "Mathletics" perhaps a sarcastic reference to the math rock that was prevalent in the Oxford scene at the time? 「(laughs). Maybe. It's a song about the ridiculous snobbism of the youth culture, represented by rock bands and the like, when they take themselves too seriously.」

Now let's talk about the specific songs on the album. "The French Open", which opens the album, refers to the famous tennis tournament? 「Yes, specifically the song was inspired by Andy Roddick (US professional tennis player). He's so good, but he always ends up second best in the most important matches, doesn't he? He lost the Wimbledon title to Roger Federer two years in a row. This is a song about losers. I don't know why I'm attracted to imperfect people and expressions like that that are somehow unfulfilled.」

What I found interesting about your lyrics was that for someone who used to study English literature at a top university, you didn't have an overtly 'literary' style. Is this intentional? 「Yes, because it's quite funny to see someone in a pop band pretending to be a literary person. I still like literature myself, but I don't want to bring that kind of pretentious style into pop music. So I personally try to concentrate on the visual imagery and describe it rather than the emotion of the song itself. I didn't put this band together to write about my daily grumblings about how I broke up with my girlfriend or how I'm having these problems.」

What kind of writers/poets fit your sensibilities, incidentally? 「I still like Ezra Pound and William Carlos Williams.」

You like the poets of the so-called early 20th century US modernist and imagist school. And more to the point, I recently saw the music video for 'Cassius' on your MySpace, and once again I held my head in my hands and groaned (laughs). What does that bizarre visual image of a mass of meat hanging from the ceiling, swinging around, symbolise? 「That lump of meat is the heart of a cow.」

I understand that, but I wonder how that image is connected to the song 'Cassius'? 「You know that phrase in the lyrics, "The wind is in, the wind is in my heart"? That's the image that came to me. 」

Ah, so that's why your heart is swinging in the wind. I'm starting to get a feel for it. Foals' songs often feature 'mysterious' motifs that rarely appear in ordinary pop songs, and the rhythms and song structures themselves are 'non-traditional', not unlike those of ordinary rock bands. In such circumstances, surprisingly beautiful, so to speak, "melodies and phrases rooted in traditional pop" can appear unexpectedly in unexpected places. Especially "Olympic Airways", "Tron" and "Red Socks Pugie". Where does this unexpected 'pop sensibility' come from? 「It probably comes from our non-techno side, where we like a more melody-oriented type of music too. I personally like Gwen Stefani, Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake, and I still listen to them a lot, and all of us like bubblegum pop with clean choruses and hook lines. It's that kind of thing that made us decide to disassociate ourselves from the local math rock scene, which rejects all of those elements, in the first place.」

You yourself commented earlier that the local Oxford music scene is "full of experimental bands for the sake of experimentation", but what you are trying to do with Foals is to be an antidote to this "elitist consciousness of the British indie tradition" and "to be an experimental band that is also popular"? 「Yes. I think it's fair to say that this kind of anti-climatic attitude towards the soil and trends that used to shape our musicality was one of our creative motivations. I think that's probably why our music still has a certain strangeness and complexity that is outside the usual pop song formula. There are still remnants of the way we used to form our band in that kind of soil. We really want to shake it off, but we can't because we're like the creators of it, and that's exactly what you're talking about, the "snobbism/elitism of the English indie tradition". Oxford, in every sense of the word, is a place where that kind of old traditional British temperament and culture is still there in an obvious way. It was the perfect target for rebellion.」

So, when you titled your debut album Antidotes, was it also meant as an antidote to all the 'bad traditions' that are prevalent in the UK and the national scene? 「Hmmm…………… I personally think the title is more about 'healing' in a broader sense.」

'Healing'? 「Yes, it's more like self-healing. One of the purposes of this album was to create a place and a sound world where people can heal and eliminate the toxins that have become distorted or deviated from their true selves as a result of living in this real world. How does it sound to the listener? How would the listener hear or perceive it? We can't even imagine how it will sound or be perceived by the listener.」

Translator's Note: In my previous post, when I said that there's more that this particular issue of ROCKIN'ON (May 2008) has in its pages, this is one of them.

I've never listened to Foals before, but I translated this interview article because I know one or two of my mutuals who love Foals a lot and show their love of it on my dashboard, so I decided to scan and translate this so that they'll enjoy something that comes from Foals' debut album era. So if you see this, please enjoy it :)

[bunchashapes]

any music recs?

i could have made this very short or entirely too long. i opted for the latter:

HAVE YOU LOOKED FOR SOME NEW MUSIC TO LISTEN TO? LOOK NO FURTHER, FOR HERE IS

I know. There's a lot of music out there. Well have no fear, because I've selected, organized AND categorized a fine number of music selections, just for you! I tried to keep it to just stuff you probably haven't heard of before, but I make no promises. Hopefully you'll find at least one new thing you can take with you into 2023.

MAKE YOUR SELECTION:

1 - MIKE, I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO GROOVE TO. SOMETHING I CAN GET DOWN AND VIBE WITH OR PERHAPS LISTEN TO WHILE I WORK:

Sounds good! Let's start with a few of those:

Vulfpeck - Okay you may already know about Vulfpeck. Sorry. If you HAVEN'T, they're a wonderful group of dudes from Michigan that are all insanely talented. They have a wide-range of styles they cover and pretty much every member has gone on to do other solo stuff, which may also suit your interests. They also have a spin-off band called The Fearless Flyers that I'll cover a little further down.

Jacob Mann (As well as his Big Band) - Jacob's solo stuff has a nice laid-back feel to it, while his big band stuff is slightly more bombastic, but all of it is fun and groovy. Great example of a musician effectively switching between different toolsets, whether its a whole group of talented musicians at his disposal or just a bunch of nice Roland presets.

EMEFE - They haven't been very active lately but EMEFE is an incredible ensemble with plenty of amazing music for you to listen to. Their live album from 2017 makes me wish i could go back in time and watch it live.

Louis Cole - Louis Cole's also pretty popular, but maybe you haven't heard of him! Originally hailing from Knower, he's collaborated with a ton of musicians (including Vulfpeck AND Jacob Mann Big Band, mentioned above) as well as produced an impressive array of solo music. I can't understate how much I love this guy.

Thundercat - Know who else he's collaborated with? Thundercat. Have you listened to Thundercat? You should really do yourself a favor and listen to Thundercat.

Sammy Rae and The Friends - Only learned about Sammy Rae very recently but The Feeling (linked) was an earworm that lodged itself in my brain for months. Infectiously positive vibes, a great ensemble and really brilliant singing.

Silk Sonic - Okay they played at the Grammys so it definitely doesn't count as a deep cut but listen to Silk Sonic anyway okay? Okay.

2- MIKE I NEED SOMETHING THAT WHIPS ASS. SOMETHING TO COMPLETELY KNOCK MY SOCKS OFF.

Can do. Your metric of kickass may vary but at least one of these should work for you:

King Gizzard and The Wizard Lizard - King Gizz has put out such an unbelievable volume of music that it's hard to just recommend ONE thing from them. I've linked Nonagon Infinity, a great little album with the fun gimmick of seamlessly looping front to back. They really haven't put out a single bad album, so just go wild.

Royal Blood - Royal blood's bassist plays through an octave pedal, giving their stuff this fuckin' beefy sound that's well-rounded enough you'd never guess the band is just a bassist and a dummer. Their style has gotten poppier lately but it's still all worth listening to.

Tricot - Tricot's been around for around 10 years now and their stuff has only gotten better over time. I feel like Math Rock is kind of an obtuse genre for most people but their recent stuff is absolutely worth checking out even if that's not your usual sort of thing. Makkuro (真っ黒) is my favorite album of theirs by far.

Thank You Scientist - Stranger Heads Prevail is probably one of my favorite prog albums ever and you'll probably like it too. Insanely good ensemble (the amazing triple threat of sax/trumpet/violin is such an integral part of their sound) and really fun vocals.

Nova Collective - Another incredible prog group. As far as I know they've only put out one album but it whips ass.

Ask My Bull - These guys popped out of the woodwork a few years ago and I've been obsessed with them ever since, I can't wait to see what they do next. If you're a horn-loving freak like me you absolutely need to listen to them.

Fearless Flyers - The previously aforementioned Vulfpeck spin-off band, guest starring Mark Lettieri of Snarky Puppy and the incredible Nate Smith on drums. Their album Tailwinds is easily one of my favorite albums ever, the addition of a sax trio takes their stuff from incredible to legendary.

Daikaiju - Kaiju-themed surf rock. That's really all that needs saying.

3 - MIKE I NEED SOMETHING THAT'LL MAKE ME SAY "DAMN THAT'S COOL"

Well you're in luck! A wide range of things fit the bill:

Snarky Puppy - A powerhouse jazz/funk/rock ensemble full of insanely talented musicians. Just give this song a listen, you won't regret it.

The Dear Hunter - Dear Hunter (not Deerhunter. Different band) has remained my favorite band since high school. The band has a number of different projects, A collection of EPs for each color of the rainbow, a 5-part rock opera/narrative concept album (with a 6th part that may be a movie??) and other more straightforward albums that still cover a broad range of genres and styles. I think they're great and hopefully you will too.

Hiromi Uehara - Hiromi's probably my favorite pianist ever. Just watch that video. She's ridiculous. She also plays in an incredible trio and guest stars on my favorite Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra song! Preposterously talented and insanely fun to watch. I love her.

The Bad Plus - Speaking of great trios, you can't go wrong with The Bad Plus! Really vibrant arrangements and generally incredible musicianship throughout their work.

Esperanza Spalding - Obscenely talented bassist AND singer AND songwriter. As someone who sings and plays bass (not at the same time, of course) watching her do effortlessly do both at the same time is mesmerizing. I love her.

Chon - Chon's also pretty big now but I want you to imagine you're me at a Dear Hunter (see above) concert back in 2015 and one of the opening bands walks onstage and you're like "well okay what's these guys' deal" and then they start playing these fucking insane picking solos in perfect unison. I literally couldn't believe what I was seeing. I wish everyone could experience Chon through those eyes.

4 - MIKE THOSE ARE COOL AND ALL BUT WHAT I'M REALLY LOOKING FOR IS SOME MUSIC TO GET BUNDLED UP AND GO TO SLEEP TO

You need ambient? I got your ambient right here.

Hiroshi Yoshimura - I was first exposed to the wide, wide world of Japanese ambient music back in college and in all my years since then, few things have been able to beat Yoshimura's atmospheric soundscapes. If you need music to shut your brain off (and who doesn't, from time to time), look no further.

Chihei Hatakeyama - Another Japanese ambient powerhouse, Hatakeyama's got a huge discography of music and all of it will knock your lights out (very pleasantly).

Green-House - Very much inspired by Japanese ambient, Green-house is described as "music for plants". I only wish there was more of it.

Joep Beving - Not exactly an ambient artist but a masterful practitioner of minimal, atmospheric piano. His style is understated but filled with emotion, a great mix of more classical elements with a modern cinematic flair. Great to work to!

5- MIKE EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT JAPANESE CITY POP, JAZZ FUSION AND EARLY ELECTRONIC MUSIC BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START. GET ME ON THE GROUND FLOOR HERE

You got it boss:

Yellow Magic Orchestra - You've probably heard of these guys by now. I've only known about them for 6-ish years after they had a moderate burst of fame here but I think it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say these guys were one of the principle pieces of genetic memory that coalesced into the DNA of modern electronic music. All three of the principle members, Ryuichi Sakamoto, Haruomi Hosono and Yukihiro Takahashi (rest in peace) have all had really prolific solo careers in a ton of styles of music that are all worth your time.

T Square - An absolute titan of Japanese jazz fusion, their album Adventures is a veritable Rosetta Stone of video game music, directly inspiring a good number of video game songs including the dang mario brothers theme! Their stuff is an absolute joy to listen to.

Tatsuro Yamashita - Yamashita is often called the king of city pop and is (according to wikipedia) credited for pioneering Japanese "soft rock". Having grown up on the pacific coast, there's some ineffable truth in his schmaltzy surf music that touches me deep in my soul. You may not have the same experiences as I do, but I hope listening to him will allow you to tap into that divine spark and enjoy it for yourself.

Masayoshi Takanaka - Perhaps not quite as famous as Yamashita, Takanaka is a brilliant guitarist and musician known for that same schmaltzy pacific rock (just look at that damn guitar. I love him) as well as a number of other styles of rock and jazz fusion. He's got a huge discography and it's all incredible.

Casiopea - I would be remiss if I didn't mention Casiopea. I'm not an expert in Japanese music obviously, but I think it'd be fair to say they and T-Square are the two titans holding the glory of late 70's-early 80's jazz fusion like Atlas shouldering the world. Do yourself a favor and listen to Mint Jams.

Himiko Kikuchi - Truthfully I don't know much of Kikuchi's discography other than Flying Beagle (linked) but she absolutely killed it. Do yourself a favor and listen to that too.

6 - WELL MIKE THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD BUT WHAT IF I WANT SOMETHING WEIRD THAT DOESN'T FIT IN ANY OF THOSE CATEGORIES

I'm always happy to recommend unconventional stuff. Here's a few albums that I love to close us out:

Tom Waits - Alice - First of all, you should listen to Tom Waits. I know you know him as the Funny Voice Guy but he's had such an incredible musical career that starts great and only gets more and more amazing over time. Anyway, in the 90's, Tom and his wife (and writing partner since the 80's) Kathleen Brennan were scoring weird experimental musicals in Germany, namely The Black Rider (also worth listening to) and Alice. The musical is a strange extrapolation of Alice in Wonderland, namely inspired by Charles Dodgson's (Lewis Carroll) relationship with Alice Liddell, generally accepted as the real-life inspiration for Alice. Though the actual specifics of their relationship are uncertain, the age discrepancy and Charles' general fixation with Alice leads many to assume....the worst about their relationship, an interpretation the musical runs with. The actual musical is hard to find evidence of (there's some documentary footage from the 90's and I've found the script) but Tom rearranged his music for the show and released it in 2002, which in my eyes is the definitive version of the music. The album is unbelievably melancholic, heart-wrenching, at times deeply uncomfortable, and absolutely filled with beauty. Lost in the Harbor is maybe one of my favorite songs of all time. If ANY of this sounds even slightly interesting to you, I implore you to check it out. It also has Colin Stetson on saxophone and clarinet, which segues quite nicely to the next album.....

Colin Stetson - New History Warfare Vol. 2 - You may have actually heard Colin's music before, he's scored films like Hereditary, Color Out Of Space and the newest Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie. New History Warfare is one of his experimental solo projects, most characterized by Stetson recording basically everything in a huge room filled with microphones, creating this incredible impression of scale. It's filled with some of the craziest shit I've ever heard someone do on a saxophone; long, galloping phrases with no pauses for air thanks to circular breathing, mixing in the sound of the valves opening and closing, and an incredible unnatural-sounding delay all achieved with live recording. The Righteous Wrath of An Honorable Man is one of the coolest things I've ever heard in my life (you've probably already heard it before) but the whole album is absolutely captivating.

Caroline Shaw - Partita for 8 Voices - Caroline Shaw is an amazing musician, singer and composer. All of her stuff is really beautiful and worth listening to, but few things stand out as much as this composition, written for and performed by a cappella group Roomful of Teeth (which is probably the sickest possible name for a choral group). I feel like a cappella music has a woefully bland perception among most people (thanks in no small part to Pitch Perfect); all lavish arrangements of pop music with absolutely no soul. If this is what you think all a cappella music is, I urge you to listen to this album. It's a masterful blend of speech, song and energy, filled with a vibrancy and passion I have a difficult time putting into words. You really just have to listen to it.

[tuituipupu]

ok, i was in the shower thinking about the concept/plot for icip mv + my thoughts began to spiral as more layers of unhinged washed over me so if you'll allow me to just place some stupid plot predictions here... *cracks knuckles, clears throat*

so Käärijä is pregnant...

✨ metaphorically ✨ at least.

HE IS PREGNANT WITH THE NEW KÄÄRIJÄ. PREGNANT WITH A NEW VERSION OF HIMSELF.

i don't know if that at least has been theorised already?, but that's what i'm mainly guessing the concept is.

with all the 'coming soon' hints in the staging and on insta? YEAH THE BIRTH OF A NEW KÄÄRIJÄ / A NEW ERA is coming soon, making room for new sounds, new styles and newer audiences.

also preparing nicely for the upcoming album, could be intro: icip?

so now we have that out of the way, here's my icip mv prediction

⚠ WARNING: MAY CONTAIN STUPIDITY, VIOLENCE, SEX. ⚠

Ok so mv starts. the scene is instantly p intense to match how the song starts.

they're (käärijä & tommy) deep in the forest isolated at their very own crazy party 'rave' complete with green flashing lights.

... and they're 'partying' for sure ahem simulating / being pretty suggestive it throws you into it immediately and will piss off parents and homophobes straight away. 👋 hei hei suckers

cut to häärijä waddling into the woodland clearing - he spots tommy and kä *ahem* 'partying' together and immediately gets jealous/protective of our current cha cha cha käärijä (excuse you that's his best bro. bf. bro. dance partner)...

häärijä furiously waddles out from behind a tree into the midst of the rave, revealing himself + trying to separate them (complete with concerned fast eyebrow wiggling expressions from the yellow man)

käärijä gets pissed at this (häärijä why are u here again ruining the vibe and my fun mf) author's note: häärijä is a precious angel stop being mean to him >:((

tommy either hands käärijä a shovel he bought for protection from forest beasts and käärijä hits häärijä round the head with it (lmao no) and they kidnap him / or they just kidnap him minus that lol.

cut to a shot of tommy and käärijä digging häärijä's grave (the grave seems more häärijä shaped to me) as they stare eerily from above shovelling dirt onto the camera from a häärijä in the ground pov - burying him (kind of alive??)

is there some other kind of murder weapon in their hands below??

... at the next slower bit (pre-chorus?) this is where the baby (new era käärijä) is made as they resume the gay agenda.

so my idea is that obviously they can't be TOO suggestive on yt (everyone booed,) so the way they 'make a baby' is to conceive through the art of TOUCHING HANDS. (so romantic) see below:

something akin to the ken's 'beaching off' if you've seen the barbie movie (super gay ;)

then the next section of the song the new käärijä is created/comes into existence and reveals his new image / personality (water birth scene in the lake with tommy helping? lmao)

as soon as new era käärijä meets his maker (current cha cha cha era käärijä,) he wants to murder/destroy him 🗡💥🩸

tommy instantly goes along with this, preferring new era käärijä and the "hey käärijä u wanna party with me?" spoken word part of the song is tommy speaking to the new era käärijä just created.

as soon as "right here right now? yeaaaaahhh..." is spoken and the final intense drop comes, they finally kill present cha cha cha käärijä probs through drowning him in a lake (what is the lake for? idk you decide, i think it's 2 separate murders)

the new era käärijä + tommy finish raving and collapse by the lake.

✨ the end. ✨

[preciadosbass]

27/7/24 [draft from yesterday, i told you this would be inconsistent]

woke up at approximately 11:20-something and had breakfast cuz i’d already nearly fainted twice. boris was hesitant about sitting next to me on the sofa for some reason, so once i was done i came out with him and took a few videos because i love the way he wiggles around and puts his head back for me to stroke when he sees that i’ve come outside he’s so CUTEEE!!!!!!! anyway, i sort of forgot that my dad had someone coming round to drop off + attempt to fix a stereo and my uncle was coming round to help so i went back in my room when i heard my uncle pull up, unfortunately he saw me in my pyjamas which is embarrassing..

i was supposed to finish watching the rest of jaws 2 when i got back in my room but i forgot and watched insta reels and a few mcr concert videos until i was bothered enough to make this account, make an intro, and post my journal of yesterday. i did that while listening to ls dunes and so much for startdurst [ml]. i downloaded a few too many mikey way gifs and discovered blinkies in the process which i’m super happy about. i wanted to make another collage because it makes me feel like i’m somewhat romanticising my life [even though i only really do it to remember what i’ve done/bought] but i didn’t and still don’t have anything to stick into my book.

at 6, after feeding boris, i listened to a few songs off my new trainspotting soundtrack cd i put up some more photos. i spend barely any time at all doing this because i wanted to write in my code. it took me ages to find a plain book i could write in and after everything i still couldn’t so i decided on using the back of my old poetry book because i didn’t know whether i wanted to rip the pages out or not. anyway, for some reason i started writing about albums and copying out my fav songs from the albums in question. [shown at the end of post] i listened to so much for stardust again when i was doing this [i cant get enough]

i’m not sure how long it took me, but it took longer than usual, which is weird. i haven’t practiced my code in a few months now but once i looked at the alphabet i picked it up again practically straight away. i’m pretty proud of that actually, concidering i’ve made it 10x more complex than it needs to be. like, why did i decide that letter combos like es [etc] are completely different symbols?? anyway, i love being able to write and it be incomprehensible for everyone else apart from myself, even though i don’t tend to write secret stuff in it.

that guy that came over to drop off the speaker left at 7:40 so i was finally able to come out of my bat cave [room] and see boris, yay! i then waited for a while [while listening to danger days] until i could go on a walk with mum and dad. around this time i also noticed something medical that was concerning so now i’m going to the doctors waa — BUT, afterwards my mum handed me an envelope and guess what was inside it..

tickets to see the black charade + fell out boy!!!! [tributes that id been going on about] so that cheered me up, although i’m still anxious, about the medical thing and that in order to see them i have to stay overnight somewhere, which sounds like a petty thing to be stressed over but being away from my cat really freaks me out. i cant let anything bad happen to him.

we ended up being 50 minutes on our walk today. we went to our closest field where you can see the buildings at london and watched the sun set [it went down so fast i’ve never realised how quick it is] + i took a ton of photos. when i got home at 10 i calculated my cals [392 today] and had one of those powdered milkshakes because my entire body felt like jelly. i finished off listening to danger days and started watching beetlejuice cuz for some reason i’ve never watched it before even though tim burtons involved in it. it was really good, i love films like that. and i love sylvia, she’s so cool.

after the film had finished i napped for 10 minutes before i came up to my parents to talk and ask if boris is going to be okay [it sounds stupid i know, i’m hopefully going to be tested for OCD] and it ended up taking over 2 hours and we got into a huge argument. i really don’t blame them for being mad, i know most parents wouldn’t put up with my ‘compulsions’ every night like they do, they just dont seem to acknowledge what must be going on in my head for me to genuinely feel like i have to ask them these things in order for him to be awake in the morning.

i feel so ungrateful, though. they try so hard for me and i keep them up every night and they think i mean to. i dont even feel like whatever’s making me think i have to do these things is me at all, if that makes sense. so yeah, i spent most of the night hyperventilating until i finally went through my routine of questions and could go downstairs. then i did my teeth and said goodnight to boris. he started purring before i’d even stroked him which was adorable. he made me feel better.

have a good day/night -_<

[your-divine-ribs]

I’m With the Band Part 13

Words: 1.5k

I’m With the Band Masterlist Main Masterlist

Van was right to be impressed with the hotel suite the band had been booked into. It was the penthouse and pretty luxurious even by my standards and I nodded with approval as I walked around, taking everything in. There was a large living area with comfy looking sofas and a well stocked bar, and six bedrooms leading off from it. The far wall was made up of huge floor to ceiling glass sliding doors that opened out on to an open air terrace complete with decking and multiple seating areas and a massive hot tub.

"Ahh man this is class!" Van marvels. "When Dan said it was posh I didn't realise it was gonna be this nice. Look Larry... there's even a fucking jacuzzi! I'll be getting in that later."

Then he looks right at me purposefully. "What d'ya reckon eh Bella? Fancy taking a dip later?"

I'm surprised he's still speaking to me after my antics from earlier, but I find that I'm actually pleasantly surprised. No matter how much fun I take from winding him up I realise that I don't want him to stop pursuing me. I like it.

A smile fights to emerge but I bite it back down, instead giving Van a look which shows just enough aloofness to brush him off without completely disregarding him. "Well, I don't have my bikini do I?"

Van's eyebrows shoot up in a mischievous gesture. "I don't see that as being a problem."

I roll my eyes theatrically, shaking my head and turning away so Van can't see the smirk that's forming, just in time to catch Johnny's eye. He gives me a small, slightly awkward grin and looks away.

Shit... why does Van have to flirt so blatantly with me in front of the others? He's about as subtle as a punch in the face.

I cross over to Johnny and flash him a winning smile, and he perks up instantly. "So... shall we get some drinks on the go? Get the party started eh?" He grabs a couple of glasses as he speaks.

I look around, taking in the assembled people in the room and I sigh. Van and Larry are bickering loudly about whether Van should get dibs on the master bedroom after all, and Benji is sitting on the sofa looking sullen whilst staring at his blank phone screen. Bob and Lucy have disappeared outside.

"Is this... it?" I say to Johnny. "It doesn't seem like much of a party."

"Dan says there'll be more people showing up pretty soon. Since it's the record label who've put us up in this fancy hotel there'll be a load of industry people turning up no doubt."

I detect a hint of disfavour in his voice which surprises me. Who wouldn't want to be courted and looked after by people who serve to further your already promising career?

"You don't sound very enthusiastic about that," I comment, reaching for a bottle of vodka which I slide over to him.

He shrugs, twisting the cap off the bottle. "It's just some of the types that move in those circles that I'm really not that keen on. I'm not into all that schmoozing, none of us are. We just wanna play gigs, we're not really bothered about selling records."

I shake my head, stunned. "That's crazy! Why wouldn't you want to be rich and successful?"

Johnny smiles as he pours out generous measures of vodka. "Successful? Yeah. But rich? I'm not in this for the money."

Now I know he's crazy. Money makes the world go round. That's what they say, isn't it? It certainly keeps me happy in my designer clothes and limited edition Gucci handbags.

Johnny laughs at my dumbfounded expression.

"Well, the money must still be nice though, right?" I ask.

He reaches for the tonic, still chuckling. "It's a bonus I guess. And if we want to get bigger we need to record and release an album, it's the next logical step for us. But I'd play even if we were still on the pub circuit. It's the music, you see. I love it... we all do. It's in here."

He reaches up a hand to slap his chest right over his heart. "It's a passion." He adds sincerely.

This warms my own heart in an unexpected way, and I find myself stepping closer, reaching for Johnny's hand. "Fancy sitting outside to drink these? It's a nice night?"

His smile widens and I notice him look behind me in Van and Larry's direction briefly before his eyes are on me again, reaching for one of the glasses with his free hand. "Yeah, that'd be lovely."

I pick up my own glass, other hand still linked with Johnny's, starting for the open doorway. I allow myself a glance behind, noticing Van's eyes following us both as we duck outside. I quickly look away.

Lucy and Bob are sitting on a raised seating area directly in front of us and they both smile as we step outside, but to my surprise Johnny pulls me over in the opposite direction to a sheltered spot with low, comfy seats next to a glowing fire pit. A screen of foliage separates this area, hiding us both from view of everyone else and I wonder if it's intentional.

"Don't you want to sit with your friends?" I say, as we take a seat.

"Hmm... maybe later. Maybe I just wanna steal you away for a bit." The warm smile simmering on his lips makes my heart race and I grin back at him.

"Oh yeah?"

He nods, raising his glass and taking a sip, eyeing me over the rim. "Said I wanted to get to know you a bit better didn't I?"

I shift on the seat, relaxing my body and sitting back. Normally by now I'd be in full seduction mode, tilting myself forward to show an eyeful of cleavage, flicking my hair back, batting my eyelashes. It occurs to me that I don't feel the need to do any of this with Johnny though. I just know that he'd still have that same fondness in his eyes whether I was blatantly coming on to him or not.

"So... what d'ya wanna know?"

"Everything!" He grins. "Start from the beginning!"

"Okay!" I laugh, feeling uncharacteristically self-conscious at Johnny's interest. "So... as you know I'm Arabella Turner and I'm 19, I'm..."

"Hold up!" Johnny sits forward in his seat, his hand raised. "I didn't realise your last name was Turner. Was Arabella added as a coincidence or are your parents big Arctic Monkeys fans by any chance?"

"Oh yes!" I grin. "Well, my dad is anyway. My mum has awful taste in music. My dad... he got me into music... decent music... he loves Arctic Monkeys."

I trail off wistfully, remembering the more carefree times of my childhood when my dad used to perch me up on his shoulders and dance with me around the kitchen with the music on full blast. My mum with her hands over her ears shouting 'turn that rubbish down!' That was before their business ventures turned their focus elsewhere and they didn't have time for these precious family moments. The phrase 'the best things in life are free' flashes through my mind, but I blink any negative thoughts away. I'm supposed to be having fun.

"And Alex Turner's well fit!" I add, taking a large gulp of my drink.

Johnny grins. "So what other music do you like?"

"My dad always loved The Strokes too, so I grew up listening to them a lot as well."

Johnny nods an approval and I carry on. "I absolutely love Sam Fender too, he's gorgeous! And you know who else I've been listening to a lot recently? Inhaler. They're so cute, especially the bass player..."

I stop abruptly as I clock Johnny's obviously amused expression which he's trying to contain but not very successfully. "What? Don't you approve of my music taste?"

He shakes his head, laughing softly. "It's not that... do you only listen to music based on the attractiveness of band members?"

"Are you saying I'm shallow?" I challenge him, but jokingly so.

"Well, there does seems to be a correlation..."

I smirk, setting my now empty glass down on the floor at my feet and leaning over to him. "Well, if that's the case, maybe you'd like to ask me what I think of Catfish?"

"Go on then... I'm all ears."

He smiles teasingly, closing the small gap between us.

"We-ll..." I draw out the word, catching my lip in my bottom teeth and looking skywards like I'm pondering my next words. "There's this guitarist... and he's kinda hot..."

I wonder how hidden we are in this spot and how much we could get away with. I'm close now, my face only inches away from Johnny's.

"Tell me more," he murmurs, glancing down at my lips.

I lean in, closing my eyes...

"Bondy mate! How are ya?" The loud, brash Geordie voice blares out suddenly enough to make me physically jump, and I whip my head round in an instant to see who's interrupted our almost-kiss.

"Sam-fucking-Fender!" Johnny says excitedly, jumping up out of his seat. "How are ya man, how long's it been?"

Oh my god...

[cowboylikeekatie]

here’s reddie lyrics: evermore edition!! (ahh i can’t believe this series thingy is almost done i’ve had sm fun!) if this post is super long don’t make fun of me this is my fav taylor album EVER i’ve annotated every song it’s just so easy to find quotes

“the more that you say, the less that i know, wherever you stray, i follow , i’m begging for you to take my hand, wreck my plans, that’s my man” - willow (eddie’s pov)

“show me the places where the others gave you scars” - willow (richie’s pov)

champagne problems is if eddie divorced myra after pennywise round 2

“your hometown skeptics called it champagne problems” - champagne problems (okay idk if this makes sense but myra’s pov?????)

“so inviting, i almost jump in” - gold rush (richie’s pov)

gold rush plays into my eddie kaspbrak when emma falls in love theory thingy idk

“at dinner parties i call you out on your contrarian shit” - gold rush (eddie’s pov)

ALL OF TIS THE DAMN SEASON

“and it always leads to you in my hometown” - tis the damn season

“i parked my car right between the methodist and the school that used to be ours” - tis the damn season (richie’s pov)

“so i’ll go back to L.A, and the so called friends who write books about me, if i ever make it, and wonder about the only soul who can tell which smiles im faking, and the heart i know i’m breaking is my own” - tis the damn season (POV DOESNT MATTER THIS IS THEIR BRIDGE. AHH)

“there’ll be happiness after you, but there was happiness because of you too” - happiness (richie’s pov)

“honey when i’m above the trees, i see this for what it is, but now i’m right down in it, all the years i’ve given” - happiness (richie’s pov)

“i can’t see facts through all my fury” - happiness (richie’s pov) (like when the losers wouldn’t let richie take eddie because they knew he was already dead)

“it’s never too late to come back to my side, the stars in your eyes shined brighter in tupelo (metaphor for derry??), and if you’re ever tired of being known for who you know, you know, you’ll always know me” - dorthea (richie’s pov)

“i’m sitting on a bench in coney island wondering where did my baby go” - coney island (richie’s pov) (i heard this live so i have to include a quote)

“id meet you where the spirit meets the bone” - ivy

“forever is the sweetest con” -cowboy like me

“takes one to know one, you’re a cowboy like me” - cowboy like me

(cowboy like me is my all time fav taylor song)

“i tried to pick my battles till the battle picked me” - long story short (eddie’s pov)

“pushed from the precipice, clung to the nearest lips, long story short it was the wrong guy” - long story short (eddie’s pov) (because he’s in love with richie not myra) (after leaving his mom, he CLUNG to the nearest person who made him feel at home)

“every scrap of you would be taken from me” - marjorie (richie’s pov)

“if i didn’t know better, id think you were still around” - marjorie (richie’s pov)

“what died didn’t stay dead” - marjorie

“it cut deep to know you right to the bone” - closure

“don’t treat me like, some situation that needs to be handled” - closure (eddie’s pov) (but about his mom not richie)

“this pain would be for evermore” - evermore (richie’s pov)

“guess i’m feeling unmoored, can’t remember, what i used to fight for” - SO EDDIE CODED (eddie’s pov)

“catching my death” - evermore (eddies pov)

“strangers get born and strangers get buried, trends change rumors fly through new skies, but i’m right where you left me” - right where you left me (richie’s pov)

“did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen, time went on for everybody else, she won’t know it, she’s still 23, inside her fantasy, how it was supposed to be, did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion?" - right where you left me (fits both of them in different ways)

" or that moment again, he's insisting that friends look at each other like that" - its time to go

"sometimes giving up is the strong thing, sometimes to run is the brave thing" - its time to go (eddies pov)

“he’s got my past frozen behind glass, but i’ve got me” - its time to go (eddie’s pov ab his mom)

[tmbg-tournie]

OMG I cant believe I missed the start of this, some of my faves got knocked out in their first round (whirlpool :( ). Im a bit curious: Im guessing youll probably do the kids albums, but what about live albums? Also what about Venue Songs and Then: The Earlier Years?

Here's some random songs pulled from all over that you could use in your singles polls. not expecting em to all make the cut, i dont know your criteria. i tried to check the previous polls to ensure i didnt include anything you already done but i may have missed some:

one more parade

snail dust

mrs. train

25 o clock

ram on

feast of lights

darlin allison

savoy truffle

pop a shot

anqui

the long grift

baroque hoedown

ant

through being cool

call connected thru the NSA

Valentine

minature sidewalk whirlwind

P.S.O.K.

Kooky Little Remix

Theres a great big beautiful tomorrow

name

you are old, father william

stormy pinkness

we've got a world that swings

(also during the solo projects later there the whole roman songs EP)

Thank you for the ask! Answers to your questions below!!

First of all, thank you so much for all the singles you’re a lifesaver (I find it hard to find singles that aren’t in regular albums too)

second of all, I am a proud proud whirlpool warrior and it should not have been slaughtered like that, some of my faves have been knocked out too (She’s an Angel…)

Third, I will do kids albums, and any live/earlier years album where it isn’t the same version of the song as what’s on main albums. Idk if that makes sense but more than likely yes I will do live albums/songs

My criteria for singles is that they have to be made by/under TMBG and not just made by one of them (ex. Mono Puff), they have to be different than the song on the main album (ex. The ungodly amount of Istanbuls), and they have to be actual songs (anti ex. Lesson 16)

Side note it is so fun to color text and also it makes it easier for me to read

[deyasworld]

( responding to my mutual, please don’t reblog this version of the post )

It’s just that…. Taylor Swift’s early career was known for having Easter Eggs talking about real relationships she had been in ( like hidden names in the lyric books, with capital letters spelling out a boy’s name, or references to an Instagram post a famous friend made ), and it encouraged fans to look for clues in all her work, seeing if they could connect the dots to who she’s talking about.

The problem is that, lots of her Boyfriend songs back then, used to be about how they broke her heart, how they mistreated her. For a while she was dating a lot of the most popular men in modern media, this was back in 2009-2014, and some songs she wrote about them damaged their careers ( ie. John Mayer who sings “Heartbreak Warfare” and “Say What You Need To Say” stopped playing on the radio when she released “Dear John”, where she sings about an age-gap relationship abuse, and ex member of One Direction, Zayn Malik, getting thrown an indirect accusation by her on live television at an award show, and the camera focused on his reaction ).

As you can see, there has been a heated issue with Swifties reading too much into songs, because a lot would take them far too seriously, and start making assumptions on her relationships based on songs. There is a community of young Swifties that insist she and her ex-Victoria’s Secret model friend, Karlie Kloss, are in a secret Sapphic relationship because they’d collab in several projects and would be seen hanging out a lot. They began connecting lyrics of her newest albums ( Lover and forward ), where she took a vow to not sing about real men for a while, and assumed it was because she was coming to terms with her new-found sexuality.

She has been asking her fans not to speculate on that subject because it’s not true, and the fans insist it’s a secret call for help because “She must be trapped by her contract and can’t come out”. And even if she was, in a wild chance, Sapphic, it still wouldn’t be okay to Out someone who is very publicly asking you to stop prying on the subject.

I’m guessing it’s all heating up and making rounds again because Karlie Kloss announced her pregnancy a few months ago, a few weeks before the MET Gala where Taylor Swift went alone after a breakup and these young girls were swearing “Kaylor” would go public. Also because she’s re-releasing one of her old albums, where the before mentioned “Dear John” song is featured, and the Swifties are already finding ways to cyberbully John Mayer, even after Taylor asked them not to because she’s not “that 19 year old anymore”.

( Sorry, everything I know about this affair I’ve learned through stuff on my dash 💀, I follow some fashion tags and music blogs )

taylor swift fans interpret her lyrics the way protestants interpret the bible

[williamvinegrad-2024-blog]

Connected Clothing.

This week is a breathing week. You know where you are just with where things are headed or just at. Well that is the kind of week I am having.

Collage club is in full swing here @Juice and already we are starting to feel like a creative family. I have inadvertently created a space for me to work on my projects also, so watch this space! It has been really interesting to see how the group work and for me to realise that it is just as much about the conversation as it is the making.

The paragraph you have just read, was composed on Friday, this bit is about to be composed now Saturday local time and how it will end up? well lets find out.

Since sitting to draft this post, a number of things have found their way towards inspiring me in just the space of 24 hours.

Paul Cattermole from S Club 7 passing away and a piece of clothing that I wore which is connected in the middle.

Ok so, Paul Cattermoles passing got me to reminiscing about my relationship with S Club 7.

My memory goes a little something like this. My brother was bought the first S Club 7 Album for Christmas and I Steps ‘Buzz’. I was always sure my parents got it the wrong way round, I found Steps too ‘euro’. Weather I knew it or not at this point I was starting to figure out my identity. I guess I found Steps to be more shiny and provocative, maybe this embarrassed me a little bit, whereas S Club are made up of all these differed colourful characters.

Straddling the back of Cadillacs and open topped buses cruising through the desert whilst singing hedonistic songs about friendship and ambition. #REACH They felt like a band for everybody.

There seems to be a real craving amongst the public, for this kind of dynamic perhaps people associate it with simpler times? Or maybe just times where we didn’t have to think about stuffs nearly as much. My considerations as far as the environment go extended as far as remembering to turn the lights out. That was it. JOB DONE! WORLD SAVED!

It seems, that the only place for mixed sex bands in the current musical climate is reserved especially for the likes of both Steps and S Club 7 bands from the late 90’s and early 2000’s. The renaissance of such acts I find to be fascinating. These bands are made up of both men and women approaching their 50’s. The general lust amongst the public seems to desire such acts to return as they were, with fully realised dance routines etc. I am not sure how much the acts themselves are bothered. What I am bothered about is that a genre synonymous with youth is providing room for success irrespective of age an ability. Who’d have thought that it would be this genre that would invite a new generation of music fans to make these considerations? #THEPOWEROFPOP

The genre is synonymous with youth and vitality, shiny pop music. I love pop music and find the entire genre to be wholly fascinating. These ‘heritage’ acts are revered now for what they created during their prime. But at the time ? ... perhaps not so cool. I guess it is an example of what we actually value culturally when faced with widespread adversity and economic challenge we ask ourselves what we really want to be listening to, with ego and cool being left at the door. So it is really sad that on the eve of their re-union tour Paul has passed away… But in his memory, a continued resurgence of the very genre and band that made me feel so safe when they did. The most important part of this bands existence.

Yesterday I wore a bright blue Jumpsuit. Over the years, I have struggled with deciding what clothes to wear, I know what I have always wanted to wear, but have had to make considerations about the ‘types’ of people I may encounter whilst going about my daily business.

For whatever reason I am much more at ease these days then ever before when making these decisions based on people and geography ultimately for the most party opting to wear what I like, what I am comfortable in and surprisingly what might spark debate and confusion in the folks I am exposed to every day.

I really really care about people all people and as part of that I feel a duty as one of them to use my journey in a constructive way to basically live my best life. I want to stand out on behalf of the people and more specifically my marginalised friends. So yeah, I wore this blue jump suit hair in full flow etc… and I got all the comments, all the looks, all the smiles. It is funny because if said garment was not connected in the middle, the reactions might have been different.

I then met some friends for a drink @ Carluccios where someone told me I looked nice and another asked me ‘what this was’

I then went home where my father asked me ‘why I was wearing that?’ I laughed…. he thought that perhaps I had been doing some plumbing.

My last point of contact for the day was my friend Anna’s where I went to debrief about the activities of the day include a break down of events re: the jumpsuit. Her flatmate Jamie answered the door and instantly complimented me on … the jumpsuit. I rolled my eyes and laughed. I went round to Anna’s space kinda just wanting to be as I was sort of over spending the day talking about my attire. He meant well.. I was just tired at this point.

I guess it just got me to thinking about, how people I do not even know, felt the impetus somewhere inside them to comment on my appearance in a very impulsive way. But as per my above statement it made me think about how important it was and is for me to keep sparking internal debate within folk, after all I am an artist…it is my job to be provocative.

It is cool, because I am at peace with processing and responding to peoples different takes on my look. I have Covid to thank for my ability to be able to adopt this stance. Nothing that anybody can say in an attempt to hurt me can do so because Covid brought all the walls crashing down, resulting in superficiality became redundant. I personally would never feel a compulsion to ever pass comment on someone's appearance unless it was that of ore and woah!!! Where did you get that from? Or wow you look amazing!

I guess the jumpsuit straddles the middle ground when it comes to perceived ideas about what men and women typically wear. Unless it is worn as a ‘practical garment’ I feel the fear every time I walk down in the street in it, but continue to take steps, because I realise the wider importance of wearing it. I know people in my life mainly my family worry about the implications of self expression in this part of the world and what it could result in, but alas I think I will take the flames.

I found the whole day to be very interesting. Ask me what I am wearing today… HAHA

Anyway S Club 7 enabled me to enjoy that impartial middle ground, neutral characters just enjoying their lives and singing universal songs that weather I realised it or not at the time, embodied me with the spirit of comfort and safety.

My own experiences since coming out of and through the pandemic continue to help me prioritise what I want from my life. I have been working hard to consolidate this in recent months and the associated liberation I have experienced as a result.

I have organically been exploring the opportunity to work with and alongside an organisation based in Sheffield called Artworks. Art Works aims to challenge people’s perceptions of learning disabilities and autism through celebrating the creativity and ambition of our artists. I went to their headquarters to deliver a workshop with their community just the other week and has since gotten me to thinking about disability and how minorities are represented and perceived within our wider community.

specifically the trans community. Who like my blue jumpsuit and S Club 7 can straddle a mid ground when it comes to the type of ‘identity’ that makes me feel safe and warm, the neutral kind. The kind that can ultimately spark conversation and debate in others as it can pose confusion which can ultimately result in folk asking question around their own safety. And how the community can pose a threat to communities that are ‘already understood’ The conversation is bigger than ever, why is this? Conversations I have had recently in this regard have resulted in the realisation that the Tories are coming for this very community as a way to polarise us, spreading hate and ultimately instilling fear in our vulnerable friends. The nail is the coffin before Labour carry us forward.

I have whilst exploring my own ‘opinion’ that I do not need to have on this community have come to the conclusion, that after trying to understand different view points, believe that there is no conversation to be had. I am over having it, I do not need to have It, I do not want to have it. All I know is that this community in my opinion exists in part, to help us find out middle grounds. That space where we can be our most expressive selves outside of conventional gender norms. So in solidarity with this community I have composed this post and this associated FUCK YOU to the Tories and those who spread and even ask questions about weather the existence of a community is valid or not. The answer is YES! Ask questions, but only positive ones ta.

As part of this post I will share a video with you of me singing the b-side to S Club 7’s BANGER! Don’t Stop Moving. The song is a cover of Stevie Wonders Lately. I LOVE IT. In Coincidence, I am wearing my rainbow jumpsuit. THE EVEN MORE EXAGGERATED, BRIGHT AND CONVERSATION EVOKING version of my blue one. Thanks Paul.

This essay is dedicated to Char Bl my new and wonderful friend, who told me that she reads every word of my seemingly new desire to share thoughts, musingz and experiences with you all on a daily basis in this way and that they were indeed very well written.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

WHY DID NO ONE PROPOSE A NEW SCHEME FOR MICROPAYMENTS

I grew up, so long as I enjoyed it. So don't underestimate this task. Though really it might be interesting to look at your idea in the harsh light of morning and ask: is this something people will pay most for? You often can't tell yourself. If they have time machines in the future they'll probably have a separate reference manual just for Cambridge. We can't do that, why not do it openly? When there's something we can't say: to look at things people do say, and get in trouble for saying that 2 2 is 5, or that people in the future had few fonts and they weren't antialiased. If you believe everything you're supposed to do what the teacher says. The disadvantage of this route is that it's slow and uncertain. One reason we had such a bad idea for startups that one wonders why things were ever done that way. By the second conference, what Web 2.

I'm convinced, is just the way that constraint is imparted to you.1 And what pressure it would put on the city if it worked. During the Bubble a lot of the earlier stage ones would probably take it. So understand that if you invest in startups, they decided to build recipe sites, or aggregators for local events. In the design of most other things, you get better results if you use flexible media. Editors must know they attract readers.2 I'm fairly stubborn, but I got the impression it might be ok to be discontented. And we know from experience that some undergrads are as capable as most grad students.

This is in contrast to Fortran and most succeeding languages, which doesn't pay at all, because people like it so much they do it for free. Tim O'Reilly led a session intended to figure out how we use the word. 0: their core business sounds crushingly hip when described in Web 2. If you want to do, you have to show off with your body instead. Finally you can buy individual songs instead of having to buy whole albums. Not explicitly, of course. Programmers learn by doing, and most of the other differences between startups and what passes for productivity in big companies, software tends to be written by large and frequently changing teams of mediocre programmers. A lot of them try to make them all work in some renovated warehouse you've made into an incubator.3

A rounds already are high res. People do in startups, at least, pick your battles.4 It made them hate working for the acquirer. But ambitious programmers are better off doing their own thing and failing than going to work at another job to make money that you can't do it by accident. What could be more wonderful, they think, than to be a good idea. Programmers, though, requires a conscious effort to keep your ideas about what you enjoy. But the pool of writers is very, very few who simply decide for themselves. At the time it was supposed to mean using the web as a platform was at least not too constricting. Hence what, for lack of a better name, I'll call the Python paradox: if a company chooses to write its software in a comparatively esoteric language, they'll be able to hire better programmers, because the more startups you had in town, the VCs wouldn't be trying so hard to discover what we like to work on, or don't like to get money to work on a Python project than you could to work on a Java project. Anyone who's worked for a time as a doctor in Nepal, for a time as the prize and the time you had a graph in which the x axis represented situations and the y axis the outcome, the graph of the smart person would have high peaks.

Notes

There are some controversial ideas here, since they're an existing university, or editions with the sort of stepping back is one way to predict areas where Apple will be interesting to 10,000 computers attached to the table. Free money to start using whatever you make something hackers use.

That will in many cases be an inverse correlation between the two, I'd appreciate hearing from you. Eighteen months later.

My guess is the same investor to invest but tried to combine the hardware with an online service, and one didn't try because they can't legitimately ask you to two of each type of thinking, but in fact they don't know. If you want to live in a startup. I see a lot of investors. But I don't know which name will stick.

Some introductions to other investors. The next time you raise as you raise money.

[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, MAY 31, 1994 I just typed a letter to Bob and have one ready for Kim tomorrow, too.

I don’t really feel like watching TV now. I watched a little while I ate my popcorn, though. Guess now I’ll go listen to some music or just veg out for a while till I can fall asleep.

Tomorrow I have to get blood drawn, meet Tom’s parents, and we’re also planning on videotaping me signing for the sign language program we hope to launch.

Later…

I am in the car right now, heading to get stuck. Lucky me, huh?

We’re not sure if we can see his parents cuz he called there and they said they were going out.

Yuck. I’m coughing up lots of sticky stuff.

It’s too bumpy for me to write now, so I’ll continue either in the doctor’s office or at home.

Later…

I am at the doctor’s office now. Amazingly there was one other guy only in the waiting room. He just went to get stuck first.

We’re going to KFC after. Then who knows where?

I just asked Tom if he had anything to say in here. He said nope. Not today.

Later…

I’m taping the music awards now. According to Andy, Gloria will be on at some point.

Got 3 letters from Bob today. In one of Bob’s letters, he enclosed a letter from a guy named Donald. He said he talked to him, warning him (Donald) of what’s OK and what’s not OK to write. I made a deal with Bob that anyone can write to me as long as they send their letters through Bob and never get my address. When I write them back, I’ll either write directly to them or send them to Bob to give to them. I know I can trust Bob’s judgment with this.

I got a package from Kim. She sent 2 sheets of 18 stamps. The kind you stick, rather than lick. She sent 2 boxes of envelopes. Each box contained 100 envelopes. Now we’re at a total of nearly 300 envelopes here!

Lastly, she sent 2 tapes of funny outgoing answering messages which I like a lot. I already put one on my voicemail. I duped them on Tom’s stereo and will soon send her back the originals. I’ve got to call Andy and let him know about the tapes and see if he wants to hear them. I’m sure he will. I also have to leave Kim’s address on his VM.

Later…

I just turned the VCR off and later I’ll watch the awards. I zip through 98% of it cuz most of it’s boring. Filled with people I could care less about.

Tom and I swam a lot today. It was fun. He has this plastic boat that’s broken, so it sinks. Therefore, I throw it across the pool and dive down under for it. I can open my eyes under water, but he can’t cuz of his contacts.

Still haven’t seen the van next door. I thought I heard a quick scream or two, but it kind of didn’t sound close enough to be right next door. It could’ve been anywhere, and all kids sound the same to me. They’re all one big scream in my book.

I put the pig on the little round raft and he loved it. He sat there so calmly, totally unafraid. Yes, he really does love the water.

Still no messages on Prodigy from either Tammy or Marla.

I’ll call on the 3rd to wish Becky a happy b-day. I sent a card with a $5-dollar bill. Tomorrow I’ll send out Ma’s card. Her birthday is on the 6th.

Tom called travel agencies today to get info. Only 14 more days left! Yup, in my next journal, I’ll be a married woman! Can you believe it?! I can’t fucking believe it! I never ever thought I’d see that day in my life. Maybe the next, if there is a next, but not in this one.

I think I’ll go watch the awards now.

Oh, I forgot to mention - no calls from Larry. He either gave up or tried to call when we were out but left no message. Oh well.

Later…

I just saw the awards. It was the World Music Awards. Gloria just doesn’t look as good as she did during her Let It Loose album and her Cuts Both Ways album.

I suppose I should shave my legs now, but I’m too lazy.

I saw an interesting commercial for an upcoming show on 20/20. Water births. They say it takes some of the pain and pressure off and makes it easier for the baby. Bet you gotta be rich for that. Water or no water, I can’t imagine something the size of a watermelon ripping through my crotch. Plus, I’d probably have to have a C-section anyway.

Later…

Starting another beautiful journal. This shall be the journal in which I am to be married in. Amazing!

Can’t think of anything to write about at the moment. Just that I’m going to go turn the computer off and watch TV. I expect to listen to music at some point, as well. My nails look pitiful. I better go cut those, too.

Hopefully, by tomorrow book of Letters #9 will be finished. It all depends on what I get in the mail. In the meantime, I will write later or tomorrow.

MONDAY, MAY 30, 1994 Well, it was on this day two years ago that I found out I’d be moving to Phoenix.

Today was a good one. Larry called, but I wasn’t awake enough to talk to him. I hope he catches me the next time.

Not much else happened today. We got more sawdust and some treats for Piggy, did computer work, and went swimming.

There’s no mail tomorrow cuz of Memorial Day, so hopefully Tuesday will bring me lots of mail.

They’ve been so quiet next door and they were definitely out today. Could they have gone to Idaho? I sure hope so, but I won’t count on it.

Later…

Tom got home right after I last wrote. He had quite a bit to fix on Eldon’s computer.

We just had pork chops and now I’m full.

Tomorrow’s the 102º day, so I heard, and it’s going to be a great swimming day.

Tom just said he thinks it’s best to get wedding rings after we’re married so we’ll have money for Vegas. I agree, but it would’ve been nice to have rings at the wedding. Why must love be so expensive?

Come to think of it, I think Larry’s just going to be calling, not coming to visit.

Well, there’s nothing else going on at the moment. I’m taping a movie and Tom’s eating. He’s on Prodigy now and I have my first of two loads of clothes in the dryer, which I guess he’s waiting for. I suppose I could call Prodigy to see if I have any messages from Marla or Tammy, but I doubt it. Tammy’s too busy, and Marla’s told me it may be a while.

When am I going to bed? I have no idea, but I think I’ll go listen to my music.

Tom just said he feels much better. He hadn’t eaten all day long.

Later…

Just got done swimming with Tom. It’s really hot out and the water felt so good.

He’s checking to see if the start of our sign language program works, then we’re going to have fun.

Again they’re not home next door. What luck, huh? I sure hope they split to Idaho. It’d be even nicer if they decided just how much they missed it and sold their house to a nice old couple. One with no little grandkids who hardly ever have company. No dogs, either. Hopefully, they’re cat, bird, or fish lovers instead.

Later…

The typing of #6 is going pretty fast. Within the next couple of days, I should be done with it. Then, I’ll be skipping #7 cuz I already typed it and I’ll do #8.

Swimming was lots of fun today and it was 105º today. They say it’ll be 102º tomorrow and 107º the next day. Wow! Summer’s definitely here. The pool shouldn’t be too chilly for the next handful of months. Even in the middle of the night, it will be extremely warm.

They were definitely gone all weekend as I said before. (next door) I still haven’t heard them return and I definitely think I would’ve if they were back. As the parents were unpacking, I’m sure the kids would’ve been screaming back and forth with them. I hope they’re in Idaho and seriously enjoying it.

After I let enough time go by, cuz I just took my meds, I’ll make some popcorn. Yummy!

Larry didn’t try to call back again, but Tammy said he called her. She said they only spoke for two minutes. He was in Wisconsin on his way to Colorado.

I hope I have a generous supply of mail tomorrow. Kim’s answering machine tapes, envelopes, stamps, and whatever the hell else may arrive tomorrow.

Going to go finish my coffee now.

SATURDAY, MAY 28, 1994 Tom came home early yesterday, and Andy got here shortly after. He swam a bit and we talked and he played the new Stevie single he bought on his way over here. After he left, mom and dad called and Tom and I spoke with them. It was a nice chat.

Ma says Larry’s going to be calling. Cool, but with my luck, it’ll be when Andy and I are out at yard sales.

Andy called last night with his sister Marla in California on the line. She was telling me all about her new and very impressive computer and that she’d eventually send me a message on Prodigy. Tom also talked with Marla and her husband even cuz they had lots of questions for Tom.

Andy will be calling any second to tell me he’s on his way over.

Tom’s going to go help Eldon with his computer cuz it’s trashed.

Later…

This afternoon Andy picked me up. We were out for about 3 hours. We couldn’t find any yard sales. It was kind of late for that, but we drove through some absolutely gorgeous neighborhoods.

First we went to JB’s where I ordered a pork chop dinner. It sucked so it was comped. All I got was a sundae and an iced tea.

When we couldn’t find any yard sales, we went to a pawn shop. There, I got an oldies CD and the CD Trio with Linda, Dolly and Emmylou. I have it on tape, but it’s finally nice to have it on CD. I sing a lot of the songs on that CD. At another store, I got Lush Life by Linda. Another one I only had on tape and most of those songs I enjoy singing.

Got 2 letters from Bob, 1 Bob sent Kim and 1 from Kim to me. She also surprised Andy with a letter.

When Andy and I got back here we went swimming. The pool’s the most comfortable it’s been all year so far. Andy hung out for an hour or so. I read him Bob’s letters. He also pointed out that I put the shelf up wrong that he’d given me when I was doing wall art at his place. I fixed it and I hope it holds.

Oh! Almost forgot. Got the diamond earrings my parents sent. Yes, they’re very beautiful.

No call from Larry yet. He sure won’t recognize this place. When he was last here, there were no wall drawings and that old ugly kitchen paneling was still up.

Now, I’m going to go change the batteries in my speakerphone.

Later…

Where in the world is Tom? I guess Eldon’s situation with his computer was as horrible as Tom said it was when he called him last night. Anyway, I thought he’d be back between 4:00 - 6:00, but I guess not.

Tammy says she’s back on Prodigy. She hooked it up. I’ll leave her a message maybe tomorrow. I just haven’t really felt like doing any computer work today. I’ll probably type some letters, too.

No calls from Fran. I wonder if he’s already lost his phone. If not, I’m sure it’ll be soon enough. Maybe Larry will call tomorrow, but Ma said something about Wisconsin, but that’s quite a way away.

I changed the batteries on the speakerphone. I watched some TV and there are 1 or 2 movies I’ll be taping. Tomorrow we have to get Piggy another big bail of sawdust. I mailed Becky’s birthday card out today and on the 1st I’ll mail Mom’s out. Well, I guess that’s it for now. I’ll just go veg out.

FRIDAY, MAY 27, 1994 Andy will be here any time now. Of course, he was supposed to be here two hours ago, but you know how he is. Always late.

Been back and forth from the pool all day. Getting a bit more color.

THURSDAY, MAY 26, 1994 Got a lot done today. I finished typing up #5 and then I typed all of #7. How’d I do that? Easy. It was only 20 pages or so cuz the old little #10 was recopied into #7 when I lived at the Vista Ventana. Remember? The remainder of #7 is being used for an ongoing journal chart.

I’m outside now and the weather’s gorgeous. It’s the perfect temp now. Not too cool, not too hot. It’s not very easy to write out here, though. Wish there was a table out here.

Guess Tom needs to chlorinate the pool. It’s a lovely shade of jade green.

I’m momentarily going to put the stuff I want to write about on hold.

Later…

OK, I’m going to write till Tom’s dinner is digested. Then it’s playtime for us.

Got 3 letters today from Bob and 1 from Kim. Got a total of 204 letters now and BOL #9 has 38 pages left in it now.

Andy called with Sarah on the line who’s playing Sabrina and I read her Fran’s letter. She was cracking up.

I was out bouncing my superball off the laundry room door when Tom came home. He shocked the pool.

So, their last name is M next door. A catalog came in their name. I brought it over, hoping that’d be a great opportunity to see if they’re really going to Idaho, or if they’re all talk. No one came to the door, though, cuz I doubt my knocking could be heard over all those screaming kids.

I’ve been playing another computer game Tom showed me. It’s kind of cool and lots of fun.

Later tonight I’ll begin typing #6. I thought about maybe typing up the quicker ones, though, first. What I mean by quicker ones is that there are a few with large print.

Andy and I may shoot again for going to yard sales this Saturday morning.

What am I forgetting to mention? Guess I’ve covered everything. I still can’t wait till we get new ribbons, but that’ll probably be after we’re married. There are so many pictures I want to eventually print out.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 25, 1994 Where the hell is the mail? Oh well, I guess it’s still early enough. I just stepped out to put out Bob’s letter and I saw his truck so he’s on his way. I hope he has Sabrina’s letter and letters from Bob and Kim, too. I do have more to write about, but I’m not in the mood just yet. I’ll fill you in later.

Yup, just got Sabrina’s letter which was so funny! This guy can’t spell, make any sense, and never uses any periods. Sabrina and I wrote him back and I’m sending letters to Kim and Bob. I’m going to send Fran’s letter to Kim. She’ll get a major kick out of it, then send it to Bob.

Fran left me a message for Bob’s address saying he knows people in prison where he is. I sent Bob’s address and I also sent Bob Fran’s address.

I talked with Tammy who dropped a jug of juice, stepped on it and had to get stitches in her foot. Good, God! I feel like not only did I leave the curse that was on me behind, upon coming here, but that now the curse is on them.

Today’s their anniversary, too. I sure hope their next one’s 100% better.

I called Ma and told her and she said (as we were about to hang up) “I bought you something. Yes, it’s real. You can wear it at your wedding to feel like I’m there with you, but only if you want to.”

Tom had a great idea last night. We’re going to get some dorky shirts there for the wedding.

Both Mom and Dad will be calling either Friday or Saturday night.

Well, I think I’ve remembered to write about everything I wanted to. Going to go play a computer game!

TUESDAY, MAY 24, 1994 Just got this pen at the grocery store. It’s the same kind as the blue one I’ve been writing with.

Got my meds too, and the guy came today to do the appraisal. We hope all goes well with that and fast.

I am so tired, so I’m going to make this quick. Today was a fun and productive day. Tom and I also made love.

We had T-storms today and for the first time in a while, my allergies acted up. I took an allergy pill and I’m much better now, but very tired.

I’m going to go shut the computer off and try to get some sleep. I need it.

Kim called telling me she won’t be able to mail out the tape, stamps, and envelopes till Friday. That’s OK, cuz we got some stamps and envelopes.

MONDAY, MAY 23, 1994 Got a letter from Bob. One of the happiest he’s ever written. He really likes it better where he is.

I also got 5 returns for info on home computer work which I’ll have Tom check out later on.

Today is a weird day! Last night Tom and I cuddled, but we were both too beat for sex. He reminded me to wear whatever I want, regardless of if it’d be something he’d wear or not if he were me. It’s true that he never plays daddy, otherwise I wouldn’t marry him or be here.

The phone’s ringing, but I ain’t answering it. People always call when I’m busy. Kim called and she’s sending stamps and envelopes. Cool cuz my supply is running out and I don’t want to reorder now. I want to save all my money for Vegas.

She’s also mailing me a tape of different outgoing messages for the VM. There are people like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rosanne Barr, Joan Rivers, Star Trek, Madonna, David Letterman and some others.

Andy got Sabrina’s letter and he read it to me. It’s sooo funny and he’s putting it in tomorrow’s mail (I hope).

I went for a few swims today.

Tom and I went over the business info I got. He’s going to check them out on the computer. Some sounded hopeful and some sounded shady.

Speaking of computers, boy did I get so mad and bummed! I accidentally deleted 6-7 pages I typed on and off all day today, but when Tom got home he recovered it. Andy said, “Thank God you’re marrying a genius.” How true indeed. What a heroic rescue.

Well, I’m sort of tired now and tomorrow will be a big day, so I think I’ll just go take it easy.

SUNDAY, MAY 22, 1994 Well, well. I’ve got quite a bit to write about this time around. Let me first think about all the little things to tell about before I get into bigger things.

Well, Tammy got her kitten labels. Mine oughta come at the beginning of this week.

Andy and I were going to go to some yard sales yesterday, but he got sick.

I’m starting to get some color once again and I haven’t laid out either. I won’t do that ever again cuz all I do is get chased by bees and get sun poisoning.

Yesterday, in my opinion, wasn’t a good day, but it could’ve been much much worse. I woke up today with the attitude that yesterday was done and over with. First my pillowcase came apart in the washer, as I had mentioned before. Once again the reality of being trapped on cigarettes till they kill me had me bummed. Tom watched basketball all day, then we went swimming.

At one point in the pool, Tom started to initiate sex, but after a few minutes, I began to get really chilly. I wasn’t going to mention it, but it was making me so tense and rigid that I had to. He then put on the spa and I had a smoke while I was waiting for it to warm up. When it did warm up I got in and began giving him a hand job. He didn’t seem overly aroused but aroused enough, so I thought. When we went to get out he seemed bummed and when I asked why he said it was cuz it was hard for him to restart again. I had mentioned finishing our business in bed, but he just couldn’t seem to get in the mood again.

Up till yesterday, it seemed to be that we swapped shoes in a way. Remember how I was the one who was always horny and would be begging for him to initiate sex more? Well, now it seems the other way around. Guess I go through my phases with that.

Well, things are far from bad with us and both of us are still eager to get married, but there are still a few things I don’t get. When he said how he didn’t want to be held back (sexually I mean), I didn’t get that cuz he’s held his own self back. I used to think that he couldn’t cum by me but now I think he can. If he can get so hard so many times, he can cum. There were several times he was about to cum and he just stopped, so why he’d hold back beats me. I don’t want to put him on the spot, though, and ask him. If he chooses not to cum by me, then that’s his choice.

This morning he told me he didn’t sleep too well cuz yesterday was a bad day. He said he’s not blaming me for it or trying to put a guilt trip on me, but I feel that way anyhow. I feel like he’s not going to initiate sex later as a punishment for yesterday. He always tells me to look ahead, don’t take things so seriously, so then why is it still a big deal? I can understand something very traumatic being a big deal for a while, but yesterday really wasn’t all that bad.

Lastly, when I went to put on a certain shirt I jokingly said we oughta get married with me in it and he looked mortified. I hope he knows me well enough to know I was joking. He seems to be taking some things too seriously. I resent his saying I’ve taken away all the things that turn him on about me. If I’ve turned him off so badly, wouldn’t he not want to be with me? Also, I dress with my tits hanging out which is bull. There was only this one shirt and I didn’t even know it till he mentioned it. Now I’m going to be paranoid about what I wear when we go out. My body is for him and him only, but I cannot and will not live to please others. I can’t spend my whole life worrying about what they think of me or my clothes. I just don’t feel I should need to worry about what a stranger approves or disapproves of. I just hope that Tom knows that I am for him only, regardless of whatever some stranger may be thinking when they see me in public.

Regardless of this, we both do love each other very much, have way more better days than most couples, and want very much to be married.

I called Florida today, but only my mom was there. She and Dad are both going to call back this week. She asked Tom about his life in general. Tom told him about his work, being here all his life and that we’ll be married in Vegas. Ma mentioned getting us a portable dishwasher for a wedding present. Cool. No, she never went into why we shouldn’t have kids.

Well, that’s pretty much it. We both swam today and it’s been so quiet next door, across the street, and with dogs.

Later…

Well, I’m now recording the first part of the Menendez Brothers’ murder case. It’s a 2-part movie about these 2 brothers who murdered their parents. It’s based on a real-life true story.

Tom mentioned us fooling around, but we were both really hungry so we ate. I think we’re both going to be too tired.

SATURDAY, MAY 21, 1994 Today's been a real frustrating day so far. I went to wash my pillows and one came apart. The other one's all bunched up. At least it's quiet next door. So far.

THURSDAY, MAY 19, 1994 Tammy got her address labels today. She liked them a lot and I just realized the second order of mine could be out front so I’d better go check.

Nope. It’s not, but I might get it tomorrow.

Got the package from Mom yesterday of one huge stuffed cheetah, leopard, or whatever. Tom and I aren’t sure, but it’s cute.

I went for a very quick swim in the Jacuzzi today. The pig did too. Early this morning the water temp was 76º and it was almost 80º an hour ago. I may go for another swim after I finish writing.

I got 1 letter from Kim and 2 from Bob. Bob’s artwork is really improving. Kim also sent me 3 letters she’d gotten from Bob. I typed them letters and quickly chatted with Fran. They’re about to turn his phone off. His bill’s currently $1,500. Ha, ha!

Now I think I will go, after all, and see what the pool’s like now.

Later…

I changed my mind about going swimming. I could, as it’s far from freezing, but it’s very windy. I only like it windy when it’s 100º or higher.

I’m watching Donoghue now. God, guys are so horny and so easy. I can bet you that 99% of guys hit on by a woman will jump to the opportunity right then and there. There’s nothing wrong with being a whore if your partners are willing, but guys are such major whores.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 18, 1994 Yesterday I managed to stay up till 2 PM and I got as close to midnight.

Also yesterday, Tom did yard work. I even helped saw off a tree branch.

Tom brought up a very important subject. He said, “I don’t want you to feel controlled or like I’m picking your friends, but I don’t think it’s wise to be pen pals with anyone else in prison.”

He brought up some other things to consider, too. The guy lived in Arizona for 5 years, knows the area, knows people here, and is in for involuntary manslaughter which is a common plea bargain for murder. He’s right, and that’d be all I’d need is for him to get released, come out here and stalk me. Usually, the only way to rid yourself of a stalker is to kill them. I certainly don’t feel like having to go out, learn to shoot, then kill this guy. Or anyone else.

I’ll explain all this to Bob, but I think he’s just been transferred. In the letter I got today from him he says he’d like to call collect to let me know the new address. As I was falling asleep I forgot to ask Tom if he could accept his call, if he did call. He did call, but Tom refused. Oh well. He also left me a message saying Andy, Fran and Kim called, too.

In a half-hour he should be getting up, then after he leaves I’ll dust and vacuum.

Later…

I’m so tired now. Just exhausted, but I don’t want to go to bed just yet. Let’s see… what can I write about? Well, for starters, Bob called and gave me his new address in Gardner. He says it’s so much better there than in Concord. Easier for Kim to visit here and there, too, cuz Gardner’s an hour away, whereas Concord’s a little over two hours. Any mail already on its way to Concord will be transferred to Gardner. I went to the computer and opened his address file, typed in his new address (now that I know this is his last transfer) and printed out a sheet of labels.

Speaking of labels, got my cactus labels. When I’m officially married, there’ll still be plenty of the old ones left to use as entry headers.

TUESDAY, MAY 17, 1994 I have so much to write about, but I am temporarily all written out. I’ll do a quick rundown on things.

I got all psyched up last night for nothing, but Tom said he’ll show me what I’m doing wrong with printing pictures.

I got 2 letters from Kim, 2 from Bob and 1 from David. He’s an inmate where Bob is and the letter he sent was nice. I have another pen pal possibly.

BOL #9 has 38 pages done already.

MONDAY, MAY 16, 1994 I’m printing out shots of Andy and I performing at the Pub and Frontier. I hope it comes out OK. Andy’s going to love it and I’ll send copies to my parents, Tammy, Bob and Kim too, eventually. This will be so much fun, but right now I’ve got to go see how it’s printing out. It takes forever and I’ve got sooo many scenes of sooo many different things that I want to print out.

Later…

Picture #1 came out so-so. Parts of it were either too light or too dark. People’s faces were one big white blob. You couldn’t see much detail. We need a new ribbon. Also, Tom said he’d show me how to lighten and darken things. How to change picture sizes, too.

I wonder if my package from my folks will arrive today. I hope so if she mailed it last Tuesday or Wednesday.

The journal Tom got me is so cute. It’s so sweet of him too, and he said he finally wanted to buy me a journal without me there.

I’ll have to ask for Andy’s help in mid-June or so, to take me somewhere to get something for Tom’s birthday.

Well, let me go check on how picture #2 is making progress.

Later…

Picture #2 came out lousy, but we’ll see how #3 comes out. I definitely have lots of questions for Tom. I’m going to try to print a Gloria picture as I’m curious to see how that comes out. I’ll try more of Norah, too.

Later…

Yay! I’m so psyched. I showed Tom how shitty the pictures came out and he said it was cuz I was starting with the picture too small on the screen. He also said he’d show me how to fix it sometime. Well, guess what? I figured out how to fix it for myself. So, this is what I’ll be doing for a while, then maybe I will go for a swim.

SUNDAY, MAY 15, 1994 Got a letter from Bob and got a letter from Kim today.

I’m certainly going to have a lot of movies taped. Six of them, and in 40 minutes or so, I’m going to watch another. One is about ice skaters trying for gold and falling in love while they're at it.

I got up at 6 PM and could’ve easily gone to Tom’s parents' house tomorrow morning. Guess why I’m not, though? Cuz Tom says there’ll be some cousins, “ants” and uncles who are jerks. Don’t I know all too well about that one?

It was 101º today. I went out back a couple of times in the early evening and guess who I could hear? It pisses me off and it’s also very depressing. Except for dogs, it used to be so quiet and peaceful back there. I still hang onto the hope that as the temperature gets hotter and hotter, they’ll shut their fucking door. Better yet, leave. It’s better than having them right outside my bedroom, though, and during the winter they oughta have their doors shut. I never could really hear them in the back till recently.

Well, it’s nice to know the music’s quiet across the street, their dog’s quiet next door and the dog across the street has been long gone.

Also, not one spider since we bombed. That’s just great cuz by now I’d have found about 20 more.

The more I think about it I realize that it doesn’t matter if they leave next door cuz if they do, God will send someone else to irk me.

Later…

I know I’ve bitched and bitched, but I guess I just always have something to whine about with life’s many ups and downs and changes. However, next door, for example, really hits me hard cuz of the NHA. Also, the VV and CC, but especially the NHA.

I’m bummed now cuz I want to go swimming today. Well, I might want to. We’ll have to see how tired I am. The point is that I live in a house that will sound like an apartment complex out back.

Again I ask God why He insists on doing this to me. What does He want from me? No matter when I may think about having a kid, I know it is not meant to be. There are more reasons for it not to be meant to be, than for it to be meant to be, so why does He insist on exposing me to kids’ noise so much? I don’t care that it’s a fraction of the NHA’s noise, either. I want to know what the point is. What did I ever do to any child for Him to use them against me? Is it cuz I pissed off adults when I was a child? Every child does, so why me? There are enough people in this world, you know, who don’t have to put up with having their own backyards screamed out. Especially in a house.

It would ease my mind right now if I knew for sure they were going to Idaho or would shut their fucking doors.

Tom’s up now, so I’ll continue this later. He’s up early. I thought he’d sleep in today.

Later…

Last night I went through a catalog for work at home. Sending mailing lists, stuffing envelopes, etc.

I slept from 10 AM to 7:30 PM and feel so much better. Today’s the last day of my antibiotics.

Tomorrow oughta be a great day. It’ll be Monday, and too hot for them to have their doors open.

Tom said he was glad I didn’t go to his parent’s house today. He said there were 4 kids and 20 adults. All in a house half the size of ours.

He surprised me today with a teddy bear journal (#74) that was only $2.49.

SATURDAY, MAY 14, 1994 I am so fucking pissed! There’s nothing like having everything break down on you at once. God just insists for whatever reason that I don’t do any computer work right now. The printer’s fucked up, so I can’t print out Bob’s and Fran’s letters. The VCR keeps flashing that the timer’s on and I can’t turn it off! I swear I’m on the verge of handwriting all my letters again! And fuck working with the video blaster!

The good news that I amazingly have is that I got one letter each from Bob and Kim today and BOL #8 is done.

Kim sent Tom a check for $15. That was nice of her. I thought she said she was sending $10.

Fran called and we talked for two hours. We got Andy on the line at one point and he had Fran call his friend Mary who’s also in Springfield. We called Nervous and Crystal a few times and they only spoke briefly and hung up. I couldn’t get Crystal to go off like I wanted her to. Nervous was drunker than hell. Lastly, we ordered them a pizza, but who knows if they’ll get it? You can’t get into their front door with no key.

Tomorrow we’re going grocery shopping. I mean today (early this morning).

I’ll probably be too tired to swim today, but who cares when I’m sure all they’re going to do is scream all day next door.

Don’t they ever go anywhere? I swear these people are home more than I am. When did they move in? November or December? Maybe even October? I’d have to look it up, but my point is that they’ve spent a total of no more than 4 days out. Tom says that if they really do go to Idaho, it’s tradition to go on Memorial weekend. So many people talk but never do, so I’ll keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best. And also hope that if they do split, God won’t stick me with someone else’s noise. It didn’t sound like anyone would be renting cuz the guy’s going to stay there the bulk of the time and fly up on weekends. That’s what she said.

Later…

I just did some typing on #4, the only thing I can do tonight on the computer that works.

My waterbed sheets have been staying on a hell of a lot better since I cut the corners at the headboard, making straps. It’s a very hard thing to describe in writing, but it works.

I also did some exercises.

I hope Andy didn’t get killed or something when he went for his walk after Fran and I talked to him. He said he’d call back, but I’m sure he fell asleep. I still have a keen enough 6th sense and I’d have a lousy feeling in my gut if there was anything wrong.

I’ve got 8 hours’ worth of movies taped. This will be good for those days when I don’t feel like doing anything at all. That’s usually only 1-2 times a month, but it’s good for those kinds of days.

In about 4 hours we’ll be going grocery shopping.

FRIDAY, MAY 13, 1994 Got up at 2:30 PM yesterday. Got 6 hours of sleep, but I’m not tired. Woke up with my period, too.

I went swimming at 6 PM. It was nice and within the next week, the temperature will be climbing. Tomorrow will be 93º, and for Saturday, 97º. Sunday & Monday, 100º. Who knows if I’ll be lucky enough to have a peaceful swim this weekend? I’ll probably get screamed out by the lovely animals next door. Will they really ever go to Idaho? Who knows, but I’m definitely going to Vegas from June 14-17. We’ll be married on the 15th. Can’t wait!

Fran called earlier all upset about that girl Annette. Tom thought it was really neat how I calmed him down and got his mind off of it.

Yesterday Tammy brought Bill home from the hospital, so that’s cool.

I wrote letters to Bob and Kim. Got 2 letters today from Bob and I should hear from Kim tomorrow. I’m sending out my letter to the Phoenix Day School for the Deaf, so we’ll see where that goes.

I exercised and will continue to regardless of where my weight goes.

Wanna go for a swim right now, but I’m sure it’s too chilly now.

Well, now I’m going to go start typing up more of #4.

I sure did lots of typing on #4 tonight. I typed 10 pages, which only took 5 on the computer. I made some spaghetti, and wonder if BOL #8 will be finished tomorrow?

I gotta take a break and lay down for a while, so I’ll see ya.

Later…

I forgot to mention that yesterday I got a call from Dr. Wilcox’s office. My white blood cell count has improved. In 3 weeks I gotta get blood drawn again, though.

I did even more typing on #4. I typed a total of 8 pages through the night. There are 53 lines per page. I think that’s 505 lines altogether. That’s a lot. Most of the shit I’m typing is either way off the wall or shit I really don’t care to remember.

Spoke to Tam and gave her our wedding date. She said she wished she could be there. Me too, but what can anyone do?

Tom just turned the shower off and will soon be off to work. Poor guy. He’s running late, too.

Well, gotta go set the VCR.

THURSDAY, MAY 12, 1994 They say when one falls in love (or thinks they are), they’re compensated with weight gain. Well, they were right as I continue to get bigger. The sooner I stop worrying about it and trying to change it, the better I’ll feel. So, let the fat come! This also happened with Brenda and Kacey. Yeah, well, no chance of me leaving Tom, so God can pile all the pounds on me he wants.

I finished watching the movie I taped.

I was typing letters earlier to my parents and to Tammy and I figured out how to insert symbols and special characters.

I had another idea about my weight. Why don’t I try to get fat? Cuz, you know that the harder you try for something, the less likely you are to get it. That rule didn’t apply to me with women, though. Even when I wasn’t looking I never got approached by anything spectacular.

Tomorrow I will have my period. That’ll only make my tummy a little flatter for 24-48 hours or so, so I’ll just go with the flow, do whatever my body’s going to do and not try to resist it. By August I’ll probably be 106-110 on our scale here. I’ll keep a regular log of it. Earlier the scale said 102 and my waist was a sickening 27”. The last time I had a 27” waist, I weighed 110-115. Someday I could weigh 100 and have a 29” waist. It feels like I get way more inches for the pounds. Tom keeps insisting I’m skinny and that’s fine and that’s his opinion, but what’s really important is how I feel. That’s what really counts and I no longer can as easily look in the mirror. That is unless I’m not nude.

Yesterday I fell asleep at 8 AM and got up at 2:30 PM. I’m surprised I didn’t sleep till 4:00 or 5:00 and that I wasn’t tired all day. Especially with the rain too, cuz that usually makes me tired.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 11, 1994 Now I finally have time to update. Yesterday me and Tom broke a record. He went down on me and I came twice. No one else has ever been able to make me cum twice.

I spoke to Ma a couple of days ago and she tried to call us too on Mother’s Day, but we both missed each other’s calls. Oh well. Better luck next time.

Got a Bob letter two days in a row and Kim called yesterday, too. She had me play a joke on Phil, her very much ex. He placed a personal ad on a 900-voicemail system and I called with a bogus Northampton number and name, saying I was very interested in meeting him. She’s going to reimburse us and wrote a check to Tom for $10.

She’d also like to visit again in the summer or fall and maybe go to Vegas. Tom said he’d like to go, too. That’s cool. I thought he’d want to avoid Kim.

She’s got letters on their way to me, too.

So, it didn’t take long for the blood work, then we went to get cash, then to KFC, then to Jack-n-the-Box, then home. We were gone for about two hours.

Upon getting home, we opened the place up and turned the EC on. No more spiders!

When Tom woke me up yesterday, damn was he horny! Unfortunately, I was too tired to respond.

I printed address labels for the people I write to a lot except for Bob since he may be moved out to Gardner.

Speaking of address labels, a Veteran company sent me about 90 of them on a sheet. Right before I get married, huh? That’s OK, though, cuz I’ll use them for Fran, as well as entry separators. They weren’t overly impressive. Just so-so. They had 4 different things preceding the address. Eagles, flags, rainbows and fireworks. I put the labels in the front cover of my journal.

I’m mailing Nerv tons of computer catalogs. Yup, Tom gave me lots of NPN cards for catalogs I know he didn’t get yet. I printed out 2 sheets, each of 14, so that totals 28 labels of Nerv’s name and address, so I only had to write 4 by hand. So, he should get 32 catalogs, all from different states.

Later…

Tom’s home from work now, eating dinner and getting the basketball scores on the TV in the back room.

In the living room, I’m recording Friday the 13th. They’re having about 5 episodes from Wednesday-Friday.

Within an hour or so, he’ll be going to bed, seeing how he’s been up since 5 AM. After he’s in bed, I’ll probably do some typing. Last night I used all those free labels I got, plus some of the ones I already had.

Later…

I was about to expand on my labels, but Tom and I got to talking, then he crashed.

I had several journals, especially the earlier ones, with calendars, and other little things here and there, taped in the front and back covers. I had written stupid stuff like numbers on the back and front covers, making it look confusing and unorganized. That’s the original purpose of covering them with pictures of flowers from calendars and whatever the hell else. I took off the pictures I had taped on and re-covered the confusing mess back up with address labels.

TUESDAY, MAY 10, 1994 I have several things to write about, but then again, maybe I should wait till tomorrow.

Tomorrow we’re bombing this place, thank fucking God. I’m sick of finding at least 3 spiders a day.

I’m getting blood drawn again tomorrow to see if my white blood cell count is normal again. Of course, we’re taking the pig with us. Getting blood drawn won’t take 2-3 hours, so what else we’ll do and where else we’ll go, who knows? I’ll save the rest of my news for either later or tomorrow.

Later…

I am at the doctor’s now waiting to be stuck. She said it won’t be too long, but we’ll see.

Before we left we set off the bombs. Piggy’s in the car with Tom.

SUNDAY, MAY 8, 1994 I hope Tom hurries up and gets home. Last night we agreed we’d call my parents. For two reasons. One’s cuz it’s Mother’s Day and the other’s so they can talk with Tom. I have a feeling he may have an excuse not to call. Does he really want to talk to them or even meet them? I wonder about this, but we’ll see what he says when he gets in.

Next Sunday I’ll be meeting his parents, but now I wonder if I’ll be able to be up at a decent hour. I didn’t get up till 2:30 today.

I talked to Tammy who says Bill’s doing better. She’s got a cold, though, or something. She said Larry called her. They only spoke for two minutes. He was in Missouri.

They made it sound like it was going to be very chilly today. Well, it’s not hot, but it’s not chilly either.

The pool doesn’t feel too bad, but it is very windy out. They say we may have T-storms tonight or tomorrow.

I’m very hungry now, so I think I’ll go cook some chicken wings.

Later…

I just threw in a few chicken wings and did the dishes.

I think I just heard Tom. If he isn’t back in an hour then, I’m not going to call my mom. If we don’t call my mom I’ll keep my mouth shut for a few days and see if he mentions it. If he doesn’t, I’ll remind him that he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to and he can tell me so up front.

Later…

Tom got home about 20 minutes ago and we did try calling my parents, but there was no answer.

I ate and now he’s eating.

I also talked to Andy for a few minutes. Between both of us, we’ve got lots of mail to go out tomorrow. He’s got his bills, book club and whatever computer stuff. I’ve got letters to Fran, Bob, Kim, Tammy, Bill, my nieces and my parents.

God, my face has been so greasy. Guess that’s better than it being all dry and flaky, though.

I just printed out 3 pictures from tapes but they’re too light. Time for a new color ribbon. That video thing’s so fun. When we get a new ribbon, I’m going to do some of Gloria. I’m going to do different stuff for Tom, and I have a real surprise for him and Andy both. I’m going to take the video of me and Andy performing at the pub and the Frontier and print some of those out.

Later…

That guy Eldon gave Tom an old VCR for working for him today. He just sprayed electrical spray on it, so I’m in my room now till the smell goes away. Later on tonight, I may use whichever VCR to print out some pictures.

He’s on the phone now talking to David.

I have been running a mile a minute here and now I gotta slow down.

Tom was really tired so we didn’t have any fun tonight. That’s alright though as amazingly enough, I’m not all that horny for being 3 days away from my period.

SATURDAY, MAY 7, 1994 I am sitting at the kitchen table now where it’s easier for me to write.

I just copied a drawing Bob sent of a horse. It was from the neck up. Mine was good, but most of his I liked better.

I’m getting sort of drowsy now and I also have to go take another antibiotic now. I’m going to veg out to music and lay down, so I’ll write another time.

Later…

Yup, I’m still up.

I killed 3 spiders and typed a letter to Boo and Max. Why? Oh just for the hell of it and to give them a life update since they last helped me out. Hopefully, they’re still in Longmeadow and will get the letter. I believe they only go to Florida during the winter.

I forgot to mention the lovely and unexpected surprise I got from Tom shortly after I got up yesterday morning. He went down on me on the couch, then later we played on the waterbed. This time wasn’t a clumsy disaster as he made it in there. I swear this guy’s getting closer and closer to cumming, but if he ever will, who knows?

He’s going shopping this morning for some stuff we need around here. We need silverware, margarine, water, and of course, food items, too. He’ll be up in 1-3 hours.

Gotta call Prodigy. I’m sure I have all kinds of junk mail to delete. Gotta shave, gotta polish my nails and whatever else I can think of.

Yesterday I gave my hair another mayonnaise treatment. It really does work well at getting the dryness out. Makes it softer. I topped it off with Infusium.

Later…

Today I got Andy’s 14-page letter. It’s pretty cool and funny. I also got a letter from Bob. I’m going to go type them up and use the disk labels to stick them in BOL #8.

Got myself an unexpected surprise today. I went swimming today and the water’s a little warmer. No noise next door.

Tom did some yard work and it really looks nice out there. He trimmed with the edger after he mowed and swept the grass away since tomorrow they say it’ll be not only windy but very much cooler.

He also brought out this little round raft which is perfect for my size. It’s actually intended for something other than a raft. It’s got 8 small spots for glasses around it and in the center, another bigger sunken spot for a thing of ice. The pig will love traveling around in that.

I typed up Bob’s 7-page letter and Andy’s 14-page letter. It’s printing out now.

Later…

I just jumped up to take my antibiotic. Don’t wanna be too late on it.

Amazingly enough, I got up at 12:30 today. Even after yesterday’s long nap.

Well, gotta go check the printer now. Later I’ll be back to write more.

Later…

I taped in my letters.

Tom’s cooking pork chops now while we’re watching the movie Police Academy.

Later…

OK, I’m back. Tom just went to bed. Dinner was good.

I cut another big baggy of lettuce for the pig.

Tomorrow Tom’s going to work on this guy Eldon’s (a friend of his) computer.

Tomorrow’s Mother’s Day and we’re both going to call my mom tomorrow night.

Next Sunday I’ll be meeting his parents (finally).

Tom went grocery shopping this morning and he picked up the vitamin E Dr. Wilcox recommended. Yup, it does help these tits of mine. Now I gotta get the water pills. Tom’s been having a hard time finding them. I think our best bet would be to go to a drugstore for them.

Hang on while I go potty.

Later…

I got an idea last night for the waterbed. I was thinking of taking the foam pad off the twin bed and sticking it on the side I sleep on. This will make the sheets cling to it better. You know how waterbed sheets are always slipping off.

After I try that, I will go look in the TV guide and see if there are any good movies on tonight or not. If not, I’ll type letters. I’ll do that anyway as I usually tape whatever I watch to zip through the commercials. That is unless I’m watching HBO or Cinemax.

I need to call Andy too, to let him know his letter arrived today.

Later…

I just typed letters to Fran, Bob and Kim. In a few minutes, I’m going to watch a movie.

I love my piggy, but sometimes I think it’d be nice to have a small poodle. Something you can run around with. Also, they have no dander, don’t shed, and don’t need to be declawed. No litter box, either.

Well, till later.

Later…

I know I’ve said this before, but I have to do something about my weight. I recognize the old, yet familiar pattern. It’s been 101-103 too much lately. I’ll keep gaining 2-3 pounds a month if I don’t stop it now. I must lose 2-3 inches all around. If my parents are coming within the next few months, I’d like for them to see I’m still thin. It’ll be fine with them and they’ll love me just the same if I’m chunky, but I prefer to be thin, regardless of what others want for me.

Late at night, they play all these commercials of sexy girls to call. That’s my idea of pictures for Tom. I’ll surprise him, but right now the VCR is in use, taping a movie.

FRIDAY, MAY 6, 1994 I’m watching that movie now. It’s good so far.

I saw a commercial for an exercise machine I’d really like to have. Now here goes all those girlie talk-line commercials.

God am I feeling like a blimp! It seems my gut goes in and out, in and out. I still have to get those water pills.

Boy, this movie’s good. Most movies are so predictable. This one keeps twisting and turning with lots of surprises. After the movie, I’ll set up the timer to record Andy’s soaps.

My tits are sore but I’m only 6 days away from relief and I’ll be getting that vitamin E the Doc recommended.

Later…

God, are my lungs tight. It could be worse, though.

I left a note to Tom with the idea I’m about to write. Remember how when I first got here I wrote a letter to the Phoenix Day School for the Deaf requesting a deaf friend to sign with? This was when I lived next to the VV butch before she pulled her shit on me. I met one woman who was prejudiced against the fact that I was on disability. Well, now I think I’d like to try again and send in another letter.

Andy’s on his way over, so, be prepared for me to possibly be cut off.

Guess who’s playing? Yup, across the street, but at an acceptable volume. I can ever so barely hear it.

They’ve been great next door too, but during the next two days, we’ll see. I won’t mind cuz I’m not going swimming tomorrow. I also may very well be asleep.

I began my antibiotics today. Last night I slept 4 hours, waking up at 8 AM. No noise woke me up. I fell back asleep, though, from about noon to 5:00. I needed it, and the antibiotics have a way of making you drowsy.

Andy rented a TV today and is coming to get the soaps I recorded for him.

He’s also bringing 4-5 Mexican TV dinners. I probably won’t like them, but Tom will. He got them from a guy who drives a delivery truck with TV dinners.

Got a letter from Bob today. That makes my current total 175. BOL #8 is just past halfway.

I may also have another pen pal from where Bob is. I told Bob that as long as the guy’s no sex offender, it’s OK. I can deal with robbery or drug offenses, cuz you know I believe sex offenders can’t be rehabilitated and should be tortured and executed. Also, I’ll accept no sexual talk. I’m just not into that anymore. Those I’ll mark ‘return to sender.’

Tom thought it was a great idea for me to write to the Phoenix Day School for the Deaf for a deaf friend to sign with.

I put my note I left him in a no-postage-necessary envelope. I sent Kim Bob’s letter and Bob a letter, too. Soon I’ll type my parents and maybe Fran, too.

Later…

Andy came and got his tape. He also brought about 6 Mexican TV dinners, which I hate, but Tom will like. He also brought some pies, but they were crushed.

Yuck! There was a spider crawling on the headboard of this bed. Thank God we’re going to bomb real soon.

I finished typing up #3 last night and began #4. Typed letters to Bob, Kim and my parents tonight.

Fran called and Ricky was with him. He says Sabrina’s letter is ready, but he’s having trouble finding someone to take a picture of him. Guess he’s still trying, though. He wants more and more to come out here and said it’s cold there now and they almost had a hurricane.

Ricky called Nervous and I was surprised he didn’t instantly recognize his voice and hang up. Ricky pulled some ticket scam on him and for a few minutes, he was dumbly going along. Then Crystal grabbed the phone and she was just getting heated up, but Ricky hung up cuz he thought I hung up.

THURSDAY, MAY 5, 1994 Yesterday was quite a busy day. I got up at 12:30 PM and went for a swim. I also recorded my song and typed up ideas for the signing program.

At 6:30 Andy came and brought me to his place. I drew an Indian design to give it that real southwestern look. I also did his lampshade like I did mine.

He fed me well while I was there. He gave me cookies, crackers, a hot dog, and made me my coffee.

He also gave me tons of video labels, but I have yet to figure out what I’ll do with them.

Tom was in bed when I got home at 9:30. We left each other messages, though.

I talked to Tammy and Bill’s latest report isn’t good. He’s vomiting and has a fever.

My doctor called in antibiotics. I’ve been quite congested and yesterday they called to tell me my white blood cell count was too high. Next Tuesday I still gotta go back for a re-check. When I awoke today at 11:30, I was coughing up gallons of shit.

Went for another swim today. The water’s still chilly, but I managed to throw myself in.

What will the mailman bring me today? Another batch of Bob letters?

Later…

Yup, the mailman brought me 2 Bob letters which he stuck in one envelope.

Now for my cutest and funniest news of the day. I brought the pig out to the Jacuzzi and slowly lowered him down. I could tell right away that swimming would be one of his bags, cuz he remained totally relaxed. He swam around and around several times for a good 60 seconds or so and he loved it. Totally had a ball.

Andy’s TV’s dead and tomorrow I have to record 2 soaps for him. He says he’s getting a new TV tomorrow, but we’ll see. I have a feeling I may be doing this for him for a while. Guess he’s going to try getting a loan from his parents.

I also numbered all the journals on the top shelf of my bookcase. So, that’s 1-25. I’ll do more another time. I’ve got 2½ out of my 5 shelves filled up with journals. 1-25 on the first shelf. 26-54 on the second. 55-73 on the third.

I typed a letter to my folks today and I’ll do more typing later. Right now I’m a little bored. What else can I write about? I’m just trying to think. Have I forgotten anything? I said that yesterday and today I went for a swim, right?

Next door was quiet, thankfully, but I’m sure they’ll be ruling the weekend. That seems to be their thing lately till it gets over 100º. I say let them have this weekend cuz at 80º, the pool won’t be as nice and they say there’s a slight chance for rain Saturday - Monday.

Later…

Well, Tom will be delightfully pleased when he comes home which will be any second, cuz I have a spag dinner waiting for him.

I think I hear him now.

Later…

Guess Andy’s gone to bed. I just tried calling, but there’s no answer.

Guess what? I am now beginning the typing of #4. Amazing, huh? This is the furthest I’ve ever gone with typing them. It’s so much easier not to print them out. Also, it’s much easier using all caps and no fancy fonts.

Tom loved his spag dinner and we talked a lot to catch up since we didn’t see each other yesterday.

Will the pool be suitable for swimming tomorrow? I don’t know. We’ll just have to wait and see. Today was 97º and they say tomorrow it’ll be 94º, but hopefully that difference of a few degrees won’t matter. I’m not doing any swimming over the weekend. They say it’ll only be in the lower 80s, may rain, and they’ll be out back screaming next door.

No heavy metal concerts. They’ve been great. If they have been doing any playing, they’ve kept it quiet.

Tom’s going to pick up my antibiotics tomorrow. This will really help. He said he may drop them off at lunchtime if he can get the time.

Later…

I just went to the bathroom and got my regular meds.

In a half-hour, I’m going to watch a movie with Melissa Gilbert in it.

I saw something quite interesting on a news documentary show. Stalkers on Prodigy. But how the hell do they get people’s addresses unless they gave them to them? That must be it cuz there’s no way you can get this address from either Tom’s or my membership. I think it had to do with something like a bulletin. Where people are either pen pals or looking for dates.

Anyway, they just couldn’t get this one guy to stop. I am very against the sexual and threatening stuff he sent, but it seems like a fun way to send wacky stuff without getting caught. Then again, when Tammy sends me messages, a thing comes up giving me her name and her code. So, how in the hell are they sending mail without it being able to show where and who’s sending it? I’ll have to ask Tom tomorrow.

Andy said he finished that very long letter for me and Bob. Like 14 pages or so. When will he mail it here? Who knows? Fran’s full of shit, though, when he says he’s going to write to me and Sabrina. That’s OK, I get my fair share of letters from Bob.

Let’s see…what else is going on? Not much else. Can’t wait to watch the pig go swimming again. It’s so cute and so funny. I’ll wait, though, for when I’m in the pool with him. This will give us better peace of mind. Also, he shakes water all over me, so I may as well have a suit on, rather than regular clothes.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 4, 1994 We fixed our sluggish toilet. No more having to flush number twos twice.

Last night I printed out tons of Norah pictures. Yes, I can do it all on my own now and it was so much fun. Going to do more of Gloria and others for Tom.

Sabrina and I still haven’t heard from Fran. Maybe a letter is on its way in the mail, but I doubt it very much.

We’re going to try to make and sell a computer program with me signing. First we’ll begin with those not serious about signing. Those who are usually going to school, but further on down the road, we may do an advanced one. We’ll start with simple everyday signs like in a foreign traveler’s guide for certain situations. Like if you have a deaf visitor or work in an office with deaf people.

I typed up a handful of letters. To Fran, Bob, Kim, Tammy and my parents.

Got lots of things to do. I want to clean the bathroom after the blue toilet water made quite a mess while Tom fixed it.

Gotta type up my signing ideas. Simple phrases and questions. He’s going to use the video blaster and the camera that’s on a tripod.

Gotta somehow turn that big Stevie dress from Andy into a skirt. Gotta record My Time Has Come. Gotta keep typing #3.

This is the last month of SS and SSI checks.

I was just thinking of all the shocking, unexpected, yet great things that have happened since I came here nearly two years ago between the dancing, getting a 2-bedroom apartment, meeting Tom, moving into a house, seeing Kim and Larry, learning computers, getting off SS and SSI and only having a few asthma attacks. I wish I could add quitting smoking to the list, but I just can’t.

TUESDAY, MAY 3, 1994 In just a little while, I have to go see Dr. Wilcox. When I get there and have to wait 20 years I’ll write more.

Later…

I’m in one of the exam rooms waiting to be seen. It’ll be a while, I’m sure. God, I hate waiting!

Yesterday was lots of fun. Andy picked me up at 12:30 and I was there till 6 PM. Before that, I got 3 letters from Bob and 1 from Kim.

I also spoke to Tammy. They removed Bill’s spleen which was loaded with cancer. Luckily his liver’s OK and they hope he can resume light duties at work within 6 weeks if the chemo works. If not, they may have to do a bone marrow transplant.

When Andy picked me up he went to pay his cable bill. That took forever.

Oh, before I forget. I spoke to Mom yesterday. She’s sending a package, but she wouldn’t say what of. I should get it at the end of next week.

After the cable company, we went to the Abco grocery store where he got a 6-pack of Snickers bars and some milk.

I took my suit hoping that maybe his

Later…

I got cut off in mid-sentence cuz Dr. Wilcox came in. Luckily it didn’t drag on as long as I thought it might.

She thought my journal book was so beautiful and was astounded when I told her how many I had. She asked me how I got into it and I told her. I noticed she had the same pen I’m writing with now, but hers was black. She asked to try this pen, she did, liked it and I offered to swap, but we didn’t. I intend to get more of these pens for sure.

Anyway, my boobs are very sore. She recommended vitamin E. She also said my lungs were a little tight, but not that bad. Yup, they certainly could be worse. They took blood for my Theo level anyway and they’ll call only if there’s a problem.

So anyway, about yesterday. I took my suit over to Andy’s hoping the heat would still be on since there’s a huge Olympic-size pool there, but it was too cold.

Andy did his laundry and cleaned while I drew cactus and a pot of flowers. He was very happy with it.

He gave me some things, too. The picture Tom took of us with my cactus I drew in the living room here behind us. Also, some other pictures of him, a nice wall shelf and an old Stevie dress. A nice pair of sunglasses, too. This pair doesn’t bother my ear and when I blink, my eyelashes don’t hit the lens. I’m going to adjust the Stevie dress and make a nice skirt out of it for myself. The wall shelf’s up in my room. It has 3 spokes on it and I’ve got necklaces and hair stuff hanging off it.

I lent him my Bonnie Raitt CD again, gave him the tapes I dubbed, and also his tape with his messages from his voicemail. The tape’s not done yet. He just wants to hear what he has on it so far.

More later.

MONDAY, MAY 2, 1994 Earlier Tom showed me how to hook the VCR up to the computer and print out pictures. I was doing fine till he went to bed, but now I can’t get the damn thing to print.

So much for his wearing me out today like he said he would cuz he felt really lousy, but I truly understand. I couldn’t be horny if I had a cold.

I talked to Andy and I may very well go to his place tomorrow to do wall art.

I’ll be going to bed soon, and on my way there, I not only wish I were deaf, I still wonder what’s God’s motive, or whoever my maker is, behind throwing these kids next door at me? Of all the houses on the block, too. It just had to be me. Is he trying to tell me I’m to have a kid? Or just annoy me? I think if I were meant to have a kid, I’d be pregnant by now and not a DES daughter. As far as to annoy me; I haven’t been doing anything to really annoy, upset, or piss off anyone else for quite a while now, so I don’t know about that. What is the reason? There’s got to be a reason. These things just don’t constantly happen wherever one goes. This is no coincidence.

Why? Why? Why? Why?

SUNDAY, MAY 1, 1994 Just had a chat with Andy and I’m about to hit the sack.

I have a total of 167 letters so far.

Today I’m not in the best of moods. I blew my schedule. I couldn’t wake up till 11 PM.

Also, the little animals are screaming their heads off in the backyard next door so I sure as hell won’t get any peace in my backyard. It sounds like the pool at the apartment complex.

What’s God trying to tell me? Why, why, why?! Almost everyone else here’s quiet on this street. Why me? Will they all really go to Idaho for the summer? Will they stay inside when it’s very hot? Why me? God, what are you trying to tell me?

I just got the two stickers in the front cover of my journal from my box of Lucky Charms.

I’m very hungry now, so I think I’ll get a bite to eat and then do some typing.

Later…

I wish Tom was working nights just for tonight so I could go throw a bottle onto their roof next door. Oh, I wanna do something sooo bad.

I wish I was deaf. I really really do. Yes, I’d miss my music, but I’ve heard long enough to hear plenty of songs in my head and to keep singing. I really really wish I were deaf. This one ear of mine has heard too many sounds it didn’t want to hear.

I don’t know how long they were out there, but I can imagine it was a good 4-6 hours. People have no respect for those around them. People have no control over their own kids. I’m sure they won’t go away for the summer. God just wouldn’t bless me with that. If He did, there’d be some other problem till we live in a house someday far enough away from others.

I just want to be deaf so bad. It’s all I think about lately. It’s always on my mind. I want to be deaf. I want to be deaf. I want to be deaf. I want to be deaf. I want to be deaf.

[boosqoowoo]

haon - pourin' (english lyrics translation)

In this song, Haon refers himself as a rainpour that always comes back (there will never be a time where you can say "it will never rain again"). Hence, with his long-awaited album, he comes back pouring.

[VERSE 1] Yeah, a status lifter The peace maker Walking demolition A great filter Ain’t no man gon’ stand right next to me Say the name, your parents prolly know me Play the game

기억해 누가 챔피언 Remember who the champion is

Blame on a player Go ahead If you wanna be a king slayer No way

이미 다 알아 성공의 flavor I already know everything about the flavor of success

짜바리들 있기 전에 연금술 Before there were idiots, there was Alchemy* *Possibly a diss on AP Alchemy, a record label owned by Swings. Haon’s label, KC, owned by Sik-K, recently had beef with Swings where they were dissing each other back and forth

It’s my hobby

미안하지만 I’m sorry but

You need talent

머릿속엔 금뿐 의도부터 불순 I only have gold in my mind, even my intentions are impure

엉터리들 웃으려다 흘리겠지 눈물 Idiots will cry while trying to laugh

2, 3

���구 한 바퀴 돌아 만든 레시피 The recipe that made the world turn one whole round

I’m so much fun without Hennessy Enemies, they didn’t see my guarantee

단체로 기절 Everyone faint

Point is Imma make it hard Even if the beat is fart

이런 아이 처음 봤나 봐 It must be your first time seeing a kid like me

주인공을 이마에다 써놨나 봐 damn The main character must have already been written on their foreheads

I don’t need liquor Professional spitter

래퍼라고 까불대면 If you make fun of me for being a rapper

창피함은 내 거 I’m embarrassed for you

I’m a status lifter The peace maker Walking demolition A great filter It’s on [CHORUS] It’s on, it’s on, it’s on It’s on, it’s on, it’s on Shooting my shot like Sonny, Son* *Son Heung Min, one of (or the most) famous Korean footballers

필요 없어 위선 위선 I don’t need hypocrisy

가져왔어 여기 so what’s up I brought it here so what’s up

소나기처럼 난 또 왔어 I came back again like a rainpour

Pourin’ hey Pourin’ yuh [CHORUS] It’s on, it’s on, it’s on It’s on, it’s on, it’s on Shooting my shot like Sonny, Son 필요 없어 위선 위선 가져왔어 여기 so what’s up 소나기처럼 난 또 왔어 Pourin’ yuh Pourin’ yuh, yuh

[VERSE 2] 30 minutes left to eat I’m gon’ get moving like a bumble bee

너네 다 쏴버려도 남을 내 sting Even if you all shoot, the only one left is my sting

이제 다 짐 싸야 돼 왜냐면 난 singer You have to pack everything now because I’m a singer

Mask on, mask off Korean rappers all sucks Ain’t nobody can do this better than me, yuh

Prophet도 로켓도 아니지 Not a prophet nor a rocket

난 professionalism I’m professionalism

발등에 불이 Megan Thee Stallion My soles are on fire like Megan Thee Stallion* *Megan Thee Stallion is an American rapper who got shot in the foot by Tory Lanez, another rapper

너무 빨리 걷다 보니 walking on water I’m walking too fast as if I’m walking on water

이런 게 자연스러운 거다 너넨 다 랩틸리언 This is easy for me, the rest of you are reptilians* *Reptilians: a person who is deeply disliked and repulsive **Reptile: animals that can live on land and water ***Haon is trying to make a link between reptiles and reptilians

Sorry for the wait? 말해 deserve it Say it, deserve it

나는 계시와 은총을 받아 금자씨 I received revelation and grace, Mr Geumja

주는 대로 받고 받는 대로 주는 거지 You get what you give and you give what you get.

가는 말이 고아야 오는 말이 고운 게 상식 It’s common sense, if you speak or act kindly to others, then others will be kind to you.* *Korean proverb: 가는 말이 고와야 오는 말이 곱다는 **Literal translation: The words that come out (of others) are nice only when the words that go out (from your mouth) are nice.

Now, I do understand Why you keep talkin’ 'bout fame Tell ’em I don’t wanna go viral

내 이름을 가려도 알아보는 게 Even if you cover my name, you’ll know my name

어디를 가도 너무 당연해져 That’s how it is no matter where you go

Man on the mission, I’m on a boat

배려는 끝났지 당연한 코스 Consideration is over, that’s the natural course

아무도 안 봤나 봐 일기예보는 I guess no one saw the weather forecast* *In the chorus, Haon mentioned that he came back like a rainpour, implying that no one expected him to be back because they did not check the weather forecast

됐어 여론은, It’s a you’re on your own kiddo Forget the public opinion, it’s a you’re on your own kiddo

All I need is 2 minimum, 2 maximum and All I need is 2 pelicans, 2 elephants All I need is 2 bad bitches, 2 dawgs And I gotta I need two of me to get this shit done All I need is 2 minimum, 2 maximum and All I need is 2 stallions, 2 chameleons All I need is 2 bad bitches, 2 dawgs And I truly need two of me to get this shit done

Pourin’ It’s on, it’s on, it’s on Pourin’ It’s on, it’s on, it’s on Pourin’ It’s on, it’s on, it’s on Pourin’