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fangirlwriting-stories · 2 years ago

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They Say You Can't Fight Fate (I Say Fucking Watch Me)

Summary: Remus decided a long time ago that if he ever met his soulmate he'd fuck them up. It's only fair to return the favor, after all of the bullshit they've put him through.

Well, in all fairness, that's more his parents fault. But blaming them didn't get him out of this place either.

Author’s Note: You know what time it is, that's right it's time to explore what a fucking nightmare it would be to live in a society with actual soulmates! Vis-a-vis some Remus and Roman angst this time!

Also just for the record, I haven't finished this one yet and I'm not entirely sure if I will, but I've decided I like what I've written enough to post anyway! To be clear I am still planning on finishing it as of now, I've just stopped actively working on it and I decided I didn't want to wait and see if I finished it or not. As of now there are six chapters, and I will post all of them if nothing else! Check the tags on this one, there's some bad stuff in here.

...

The part Remus couldn’t ever get over is that when he was younger, he was fine. Ask anyone, he was a happy kid. He and Roman liked playing pretend, wrestling for fun, drawing or writing together, running around together in the rain and getting absolutely soaked. Remus was bright eyed and optimistic and hopeful and ready for a happy future and a fulfilling life.

It was all absolutely the fucking soulmates fault. Whoever they were, Remus was never going to forgive them.

“Please don’t jump.” That had to be the first thing they said to him. They couldn’t have said “Hey, why don’t we go get some ice cream instead of this?” or “Hey, can we talk for a bit first?”

Or maybe they were talking about skydiving! Maybe Remus was going to develop a passion for skydiving and meet his soulmate, the scaredy-cat who’s having second thoughts right before they jump completely safely out of the plane! That sounded right up his alley, didn’t it? That sounded like him!

Or it had. Up until his parents shoved him into this clinical emotionless condescending hellhole and turned Remus’ life into the ultimate self-fulfilling prophecy.

Because the thing is, if you explain to someone over and over and over again that you’re fine, and you don’t feel like you have any mental issues, and they never believe you? Well. That can fuck with someone in the head a little bit.

Either way, it meant Remus had spent most of his life in this stupid fucking hospital, and he wasn’t going to get out for the foreseeable future. Probably not ever, because no one ever believed him.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. Roman believed him. Roman had been there the first time they’d asked Remus if he thought about hurting himself, and Roman had given them a baffled look because Remus told him everything, obviously, and if Remus had been bothered by something he would have told him.

Roman had just a tad bit more luck than Remus in the soulmark department. His wrist said “I love you, you know that?”

Meaning everyone thought he was going to have just the most peachy soulmate story ever. Someone who was starry-eyed from the second they met him. How could anyone with such a soulmark have any problems whatsoever? Never mind Roman’s crippling insecurity and desperation for attention, which Remus had to do his best to help Roman with alone, because no one else was ever going to bother trying.

Instead, Roman was there as no one believed Remus when he explained that no, he really was fine, he was good, why was that so hard to believe? Roman had backed up his story, seeming baffled that none of them understood that.

He’d protested alongside Remus when he started seeing therapists he didn’t need and Roman wanted, and eventually when Remus was sent away to a psych hospital that neither of them needed. But the two of them backing each other up had apparently never been enough, and now Remus was here and got to see Roman once every two weeks as if that was enough to stop feeling bitter about Roman growing up without him.

His one consolation was that Roman hated it just as much as he did. He’d never come with news that he’d made friends, even though he had to have. He never told Remus that he’d gotten the lead role in a school play, even though his parents had told Remus earlier that visit. He never told Remus that he’d gotten his drivers license, despite his parents raving about how proud they were. Instead, they talked about creative projects they’d been working on together since the last time Roman was there, they watched TV shows on the phone Roman brought with him that Remus wasn’t allowed to have. It was like Roman had decided that while he was there, his life consisted of Remus.

Remus adored him for it. He could imagine just how quickly he’d come to hate Roman if he started telling Remus about the life he was living without him. He wanted Roman to have one, obviously. But he also didn’t want to hate him. And he still wanted to be part of it. So Roman found a way to, as best he could, say that Remus still was.

Remus just wished it could be enough.

But it wasn’t.

No amount of working on stories and paintings with Roman could change the fact that he was here every day, had no choice or chance to get out, and no one believed that he didn’t want to fucking kill himself.

Remus imagined that it was all of this put together that first made him start considering the idea.

Not seriously, not at first. Just a little sarcastic laugh of a thought, “Why don’t you just prove ‘em all right then, if they’re going to think they are either way?”

Heh, yeah.

Hey… yeah.

What did he have to look forward to anyway, really? It’s not like he was getting out of here at eighteen. His parents still got to control that. He wasn’t mentally well enough to make the decision. Because he was never mentally goddamn well enough to make the fucking decision. And he never would be, because no one would ever let him be.

And he wanted out of here.

The idea made more sense the more Remus thought about it, and there wasn’t much else to think about in here. He was sure Roman picked up on something being wrong (or at least more wrong than usual), but he didn’t tell him. He trusted Roman, but he also trusted that if he admitted to Roman what he was thinking, Roman would tell someone. And then everyone would feel vindicated in shoving Remus in here. And then Roman would start wondering if he was wrong to have Remus’ back. And Remus could not lose him.

So he said nothing. And Roman said nothing. And Remus stumbled his way into a plan.

Visiting time was good. Roman and him had worked out years ago that if Remus didn’t show up right away, he was sneaking some kind of contraband that would make his life a little more bearable, and Roman shouldn’t say anything.

So Remus, minutes before visiting started when the orderlies were getting everyone else ready, slipped into the stairwell.

There wasn’t exactly easy access to the roof for obvious reasons, but Remus knew how to break a window from the top floor. And he was pretty sure it was just high enough to work.

So why couldn’t he force himself to throw the damn rock at the window?

He’d been staring at the window opposite the top of the stairs for at least fifteen minutes now, trying to figure out why he couldn’t throw the thing. It’s not like he had all the time in the world. And this was probably his only chance, because once someone found him here, he’d be watched much more closely. So he really should throw the rock right about now.

Do it. Throw it at the window. Now.

…Except he didn’t want to die. Even now, he didn’t want to die. He’d never wanted to fucking die.

Remus set the rock gingerly on the window sill and buried his head in his hands. Why couldn’t he just want to fucking die? Wasn’t he now trying to do what everyone expected of him? Wasn’t that supposed to be a good thing?

Footsteps on the stairs behind him. Remus reached out and picked up the rock, looking numbly out the window instead of behind him at the person.

But then Roman’s voice said, “Remus,” gasping and panicked, so he set the rock back down on the windowsill.

Roman wrapped his arms around him from behind. “You didn’t show up after ten minutes,” Roman murmured into his shoulder. “What are you doing here?” He asked it like he already suspected the answer. Remus didn’t give him another one.

“Remus,” Roman said. “Please—”

“Don’t,” Remus snapped. “You dare.”

“I wasn’t,” Roman said, sounding almost surprised. “I wouldn’t. I was going to say ‘please come back with me.’”

Remus shook his head. “No.”

“Remus—”

“No, Roman. I’m done.”

“You can’t be,” Roman said. “Remus, you can’t be done.”

“Why not?”

“Remus,” Roman said, sounding scared, desperate. “Remus, please, I can’t lose you.”

“The hell are you talking about, you’ll be fine,” Remus snapped, gesturing down vaguely towards Roman’s wrist.

“No I won’t,” Roman said. “Don’t tell me that, don’t tell me how I feel, I—” Remus tensed, and he stopped.

“I’m sorry,” Roman whispered.

“I can’t spend another day there while they try to find out what secret trauma I have hidden away as if it’s not them,” Remus spat. “I can’t do it.”

Roman didn’t say anything, just squeezed Remus tightly.

“I can’t do it Roman,” Remus whispered. “I don’t want to die, but I can’t live like this anymore.”

“So,” Roman said suddenly. “So don’t.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Let’s leave. Let’s run.”

“What, you think it’ll be different somewhere else?”

“It will if you already have your soulmate.”

“I don’t,” Remus said. “They’ll never let me meet them anyway, not while I’m here.”

“I’ll be your soulmate,” Roman said. “I’ll do it for you.”

Remus gave him a look. “You can’t just do that.”

Roman gave him a very firm look back, took his wrist gently in his hand, and said honestly, sincerely, and worriedly, “Please don’t jump.”

Remus looked at him for a very long time, but didn’t say anything. Finally, Roman gently offered his own wrist out to Remus.

A million protests ran through Remus’ head. Roman couldn’t give up his perfect soulmate story just for his stupid fucked up institutionalized brother. Roman had a person out there waiting, someone who probably loved him romantically, instead of just the stupid platonic soulmate like Remus would be, that most people didn’t even want in the first place. Roman couldn’t just run off with him, how would they live, neither of them had jobs. Roman would be leaving friends and school and a potential future behind. Remus couldn’t take any of that from him just because he was tired and miserable.

Roman nudged him gently with his wrist, cutting off all his protests.

Remus turned and met his eyes. Roman was looking at him with nothing but love and determination.

Remus’ eyes well up with tears. “I love you, you know that?” he whispered, completely genuinely.

Roman nodded and pulled Remus into his arms, and they both sat there for a while. They’d have a million details to work out, but there was still another half hour left for visiting, and for right now Remus was going to sit here with his brother.

...

Chapter Two

#sanders sides #remus sanders #roman sanders #everyone else plus emile picani show up later but it's just those two for this one #creativitwins #tw mental hospital #tw bad therapy #i guess that's what i'll put #i don't know what the actual tag is #tw suicidal thoughts #soulmate au #my fic

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