#i guess it's up to us to act like lego and make headcanons for them

[lego-dreamzzz-confessions]

the side characters like nova, dallas, max, jan, jayden, beth and emil don't get enough screentime

!!!!!!!!

I'm glad Nova got that spinoff series at least

[mewkwota]

Hewwwoo!! I hope ya don’t mind me asking ya in the character ask thang!

Megaman Volnutt!

Oh hello--!! Oh no. Why would you do this to me?

Send Me a Character

And I will tell you my:

First impression Oh neat, another Mega Man. He very much reminds me of LEGOs. Personally I never understood the appeal of Legends but I knew people liked it a lot. The first time I checked out some playthroughs I was falling asleep so the little details became a blur to me, but I think that's because watching a game that big of a scale rather than engaging directly will make it feel more long-winded.

But I recognize Volnutt from various crossovers.

Additionally, I was confused as to what his name was. His name is Volnutt? Oh then where does Trigger come from? Is that a localization thing? What are all these other titles?

*This one did not pay attention*

Volnutt looks very sweet and charming, and I can see him being a little cheeky. But I didn't know much of him beyond that.

However I think his voice in Legends 2 is cute and nostalgic. I like Sailor Moon.

Impression now "I don't know what you are (and I think that's fascinating)." But the answer is right ther-- No it isn't. That's not a Carbon.

One day I decided to look back at Volnutt's story because I remained confused up to this day. I now understand the appeal of his series' atmosphere and story to others, it's just hard to put to words.

That said, what I was mostly trying to understand was the presence of these two names, Volnutt and Trigger. It went WAY over my head that the latter was a name he used to go by. I had an inkling of understanding as to the setting and what Elysium was, but the details of everything structured around it weren't quite clear yet.

So once I reviewed everything again, the little hunch in my mind started to grow. Did I read all that right? Am I seeing this correctly? You're just like those other guys that can do this or that?

It was a joke at first, but then it got worse. Wonderfully worse.

I've found myself very immersed in my exploration of Volnutt's identiti(es). Just how organic, or non-organic are you? I don't know. What were you really like back then? I don't know. Can we see it? No. Though I appear to cry over his lack of concrete definition, I actually welcome it wholeheartedly. Sometimes things just can't be entirely understood, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with it.

And you got all this from a silly 3D-game about exploring? I guess so.

Favorite moment To simply put it, seeing Volnutt in a little apron thing was very cute.

Actually. Do you know what really got me to consider looking more into Volnutt's background? There's this really old sketch from Mr. Ariga where he gave Volnutt this soft look in his eyes. I've always seen Volnutt as being so peppy and adventurous given the genre of his game, so I wondered why that expression?

Idea for a story I'll leave the painful ideas over there. *violently shoves them into Data's noggin*

Anyways, I can't believe I forgot for a moment that Volnutt and Shion Uzuki have met before. They've both been put into positions leading to an uncertain future, with something from "their" pasts acting as a point of conflict. I'm not sure how willing either of them would open up about that, but I thought it'd be interesting brainstorming material.

Unpopular opinion Everything I say about this kid always get me hit with a mallet.

Favorite relationship I don't have a favorite(?), but there's something quite lovely about the relation between Trigger and The Master. We don't see very much of it, but you can tell what was there must've meant a lot.

It makes you wonder. What things did they talk about? Why did Trigger in particular click so well with The Master? Was he just more curious or more open than the others? Again, it's a mystery.

Favorite headcanon Volnutt would take out a body part just to mess with people. No that doesn't mean you can just yank off his leg yourself, I'm sure he has to manually detach it first.

[quotidian-oblivion]

PICREW CHARACTER DESIGN GAME

Tag game! Was tagged by @uncertainwallflower Thanks buddy!

Rules: Make a couple characters (or just one! as many as you want/have time for) from your WIP. Use whatever Picrew suits the vibe best—just make sure to link it. Tag a couple people to do the same.

I used the same template wallflower did. This one

I overlooked the wip part and just made characters of my favs soooo. I mean! I do have a fic where all of these characters (minus Bart) are in! And they get bombed by glitter! Thus the glitter, stickers and sparkles on their faces and around them.

I did Tim's twice cuz I didn't notice the throat scar until I was making Jason's but HE HAS A THROAT SCAR NOW HAHAHAHAHAHAHA TITANS TOWER LET'S GOOOOO!!!! JDKFVBEHFEOIJD Also yeah, skater boy Tim is something I will never give up.

AHHHHHHHHHHH THE FRINGE! JASON HAS THE FRINGE!!! I AM SO HAPPY FOR THE WHITE FRINGE I SBHFVHFOEWIL Also, I headcanon that Jason has a pair of glasses cuz he's a nerd (jk, ik that's stereotyping. I just love the concept of him having glasses cuz- LOOKIT HIM! LOOKIT THAT ADORABLE GORGEOUS BULK OF A BOY! I LOVE HIM!)

And yes, Dickiebird is the sunshine boy and the perfect media picture. NYEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH ALL OF THE BATKIDS HAVE SCARS HA.

DAMIIIIIIIII!!! And that's a Gotham Academy uniform ^^ This kid is a cute kid which tries not to act cute but lookit him. Adowable baby.

Steph has strawberry earrings. If there were crazier earrings, I would have put it, but there isn't. The earrings are a tribute to the fic I wrote about Steph having matchbox earrings called "Everyone Is On Fire In The End" (I've linked it) I love Steph. She's awesome.

And ofc, our perfect but-behind-the-scenes-is-actually-the-one-who-causes-all-the-shenanigans queen. Cass. And obvi she's gonna have a lot of scars. I was researching which color eyes she had and in the comics so far she has had, blue, green, and brown eyes. So i went with blue cuz... black-haired blue-eyed. Yk?

Alfred!!! I love him. The sassy grandpa butler.

Guess who the one next to Alfred is. HIMBO BRUCIE WAYNE. His scars were from when he tried to kiss a Tasmanian Devil on his trip to Australia ✌️❤️✨ This cannot possibly be Batman. The butts are lying.

Bonus: Cute Bart. He got his scars from trying to one-up Tim in skateboarding.

I went on a ramble. I like rambling. No pressure tags: @sardonic-sprite @tristicorde @wakkoroni @foursixtwonineoh-pieces-of-lego @cygnusdoesthings @mispeltnostalgia @ah0yh0y (turns out, it does exist XD) + whoever else wants to join!!

[vynnytypesstuff]

Hihi!! Since requests are open, i was wondering if i could request some dating headcanons for Sun Wukong and Macaque?? Please and thank you! I hope you are having an excellent day / night <3

꒰୨୧﹒Lego Monkie Kid - Dating Hcs for Sun Wukong and Macaque 

Absolutely!! It's my pleasure, and I hope you're having an excellent day/night as well

Warnings: None

Sun Wukong

• You didn't know what to expect when you got into a relationship with the one and only Monkey King, so you were a bit surprised to discover that he was surprisingly casual. Despite his typically flamboyant nature, he doesn't attempt to go all out with extravagant dates and expensive gifts (he might if it's a special occasion). He wants to keep things simple and down-to-earth with you

• His love language when giving is words of affirmation. He loves giving you praise, compliments, encouragement, and motivation to help get you through the day. He puts so much thought and care into everything he says and it's the sweetest thing

• His love language when receiving is physical touch. He loves it when you hug him, scratch him behind his ears, pet his head, give him soft, slow kisses all over his body, all that good stuff

• Speaking of physical touch. There is soooo much physical affection with this man. One of his favorite things to do is to wrap his tail around you and pull you close to his side. He loves feeling you melt against him upon contact. He also enjoys carrying you in his arms (and ofc, it's a princess carry bc he's a bit cheesy like that)

• He doesn't mind PDA (in fact he seems to enjoy it quite a bit), so even if you're in public, he'll give you all the hugs and kisses you want if you're comfortable with it

• Expect cheesy pick-up lines/puns. He uses the classic "It looks like you've fallen for me" line after not-so-subtly tripping you with his tail

• He also likes to gently sneak up behind you, slowly place his hands over your eyes, and whisper "guess who" into your ear. He may overuse this a bit, but he loves it when you play along

• Petnames galore! He's constantly experimenting with petnames, taking mental notes of your reactions to each of them and seeing which ones work best. Some examples of ones that he's tried are "peach blossom," "sunshine," and "firework"

• He has trouble opening up to you. With his almighty status and years of heroic deeds in his resume, he's taught himself to bottle up his emotions. If he's feeling upset or anxious, he'll either work to distract himself or distance himself. It may take some time to get him to properly communicate, so you're going to have to be patient with him

• Part of him gets jealous if someone else "steals" your attention away from him. Deep down, he likes it when your attention is on him and him alone. He won't say anything, but there'll be pouting from his end. If you try to question him about it, though, he'll deny being jealous

• When you need some fresh air or a getaway from stress, he'll take you on cloud rides! The clouds are incredibly soft, so sometimes you two will take naps on them

• When you two are cuddling, he'll tell your stories of all his past adventures. He has a natural talent for storytelling, especially with his strangely impressive ability give each "character" distinct voices

• He adores going to festivals with you! Having the love of his life there makes them infinitely more fun. You two play games, buy tons of snacks, look through all the goods for sale, and, if there's music, dance together. Nights like those are always ones that you never forget

Liu’er Mihou/Macaque

• Don't misunderstand, Macaque may seem rough around the edges, but he is a HUGE softie!! He isn't very experienced with romance, meaning he may not always know what he's doing, but he does his best to make it enjoyable for the both of you.

• His love language when giving is acts of service. He enjoys doing nice things for you such as cooking for you, carrying your belongings when you're in public, or helping you fall asleep

• His love language when receiving is quality time. As cliché as it may be, his favorite moments are the ones spent with you (bonus if there's no one else around). Home is an ideal spot for you two to spend time together, as you live in a secluded area where no one can bother you

• Hear me out… Macaque being a plant nerd. When you two are on walks, he'll nonchalantly point out all the unique flowers and plants that he sees. He doesn't want to annoy you with "unnecessary information" so he'll only mention their names before moving on, but if you ask him to tell you more about the plant, he'll internally be thrilled by the chance to flex his knowledge

• Protective, not to the point where it's overbearing, of course. He doesn't want anything to happen to you. After all, you're the best thing that's ever happened to him. If he's feeling anxious for your safety, he'll send one of his shadow clones to look after you

• If you're up for it, he'll train you to ensure that you can defend yourself if he isn't there to protect you.

• He's constantly looking out for you. He wants to ensure that you're taking care of yourself. Did you get enough sleep? Are you feeling alright? Have you eaten today? It's almost impossible to get anything past him

• On the contrary, he spends so much time looking after you that he forgets to check in on himself, so PLEASE be sure to give him attention as well. Treat him to something nice (bathes are a good place to start) or tell him how much you love and appreciate him

• Surprise, he has a nice singing voice! It's low and melodious with a calming aura that helps you relax. He doesn't really sing on his own, but he'll do it if you ask him to

• He's hesitant on physical affection, but once he gets a dose of it, he begins to crave it more and more. He hadn't realized how touch-starved he was. At first, he won't say anything about it in fear of scaring you off, but he'll begin to open after some continued reassurance

• You're one of the only people who has seen him without his glamour. The first time was an accident and he hadn't meant for you to see him, but after he realized that you still loved him, he was less self-conscious about not wearing his glamour around you

• He prefers making you gifts as opposed to buying them. Cards, bouquets, food, jewelry, you name it. He wants to make you feel special by putting his own spin on everything he gives you

Hope this is good!

[science-lings]

Peter and Tony bio dad au 👀👀👀

okay I got multiple for this one so get ready for a big batch of headcanons

-Tony never meant to become a dad, never really wanted to be one but when Mary and Richard died in a ‘plane crash’ Peter was given to him. 

-He had never loved something or someone so fast 

-His rules to parenting are directly opposing how Howard treated him and are based on how the Jarvis’ raised him. Example: He would remind Peter daily of how much he loved him and make sure to call at least twice a day when he had to be gone just so Peter could hear his voice. 

- Whenever Tony has to be gone for some stark industries thing, Peter was babysat by his aunt and uncle, even though they were on Richards side, they still loved him and tolerated his dad (they eventually got used to Tony and realized how far he would go to protect the kid) 

-Tony tried his best to let Peter have a normal life, he went to public school under a different last name (Parker) and didn’t just give him whatever he wanted but gave him the tools he needed whenever he got a new interest. Cue approx. a billion legos.

-Then, when Peter was about 7-8, His dad was kidnapped for three months. Also cue Obie. Obadiah was around Tony all of his kid’s life but something was always off. Obie always acted friendly and nice but only saw Tony and his son as a tool to get him where he wanted. 

-While Tony was in Afganistan, Peter had to be passed around between people who could protect him after the first assassination attempt orchestrated by Obie. He didn’t want anyone in the way, even if they were a child. 

-The first attempt at his life was interrupted by Ben who was thankfully a veteran and had the skillset to protect his kid. 

-Peter was passed around between Rhodey and his friend Carol to keep him safe. No one assumed Obidiah was behind the attacks. 

-Peter lived with Carol and Maria most of the time as they were badass and also lived in a pretty remote place, much different from where Tony chose to live. Most of the time he did not know what was going on. 

-Peter was the reason Tony came home. There was no better motivation for him. 

-Rhodey told Carol and Maria immediately when he had a lead on Tony and Peter was flown to where his dad would be. cue wholesome reunion and Obie being creepy. 

-Peter was the first person to find out that Tony was Iron Man when he wandered into the workshop to find him. He was immediately super excited about his dad becoming a superhero. He didn’t quite understand the guild that was driving Tony to do what he was doing (yet) 

-Peter is taken as a hostage by Obie after Tony gets his og arc reactor back in his chest. 

-Also, Peter loves his dad's arc reactor, it’s like a glowy night light 

-Tony is not okay with the whole hostage thing and saves Peter from falling from a great height before the whole freezing thing and that's all that changes of that battle

-Then Tony is dying from the arc reactor poisoning him. cue angst fest that I don’t want to deal with but yall fuckers can just imagine. 

-Peter was in New York during the alien invasion and saw firsthand when Tony fell from the portal in the sky

-Peter woke him up instead of the hulk because I said so

-The avengers know that Peter is Tony’s kid and they also know that it’s a secret and most of them respect it

-Hawkeye is still a dick tho because MCU hawkeye is kinda just Like That

-Somehow Peter keeps his identity secret for a long while, god knows how

-Peter was at school when the mansion was blown up and his dad was assumed dead, and that was after uncle happy was also almost blown up 

-Though officially traumatized, Peter has a support system of superheroes and like one person with common sense 

-that person is Rhodey

-Most of the movies go as normal maybe with Peter popping in to say hi and Tony boasting about him

-During Ultron when Tony gets his PTSD triggered real good, Peter gets bitten by the spider, we don’t know exactly when this happens but it's in this area

-He doesn’t tell Tony, not because he doesn't trust him but he’s still kinda figuring things out

-then his Uncle Ben dies and peter has some familiar guilt issues

-Thus Spider-man is born, through the help of FRIDAY and Tony’s workshop, Peter makes himself a suit, although not as humble as his canon first one, it’s still far from perfect, but at least it conceals his identity right? 

-Tony discovers Spider-man and talks to Peter about this young hero and how it’s so dangerous and Peter is just anxiously eating cereal 

-Tony finds Spider-man in the suit and not his identity (thanks to FRIDAY) and Spidey is invited to Germany to fight the rogue avengers. Since Peter is actually close to the issue, he has an actually thought out side this time, he’s still team iron man, I mean his whole motto is responsibility come on 

-Tony doesn’t figure out that Peter is Spider-Man until the fight and there is an argument about it because everyone is kinda shocked that Tony’s kid is just here 

-Peter is angry that none of the avengers will just let him be like them and they just not end up fighting

-Rhodey can still walk and they worked Civil War out because these dudes were actually concerned for the babey (even though Peter could probably destroy most of them) 

-Then Peter gets his first actual villain and he makes a point not to tell his dad or any of the avengers because he can handle it right?

-it takes a couple tries but he takes the vulture down and doesn’t die

-cue shocked avengers, spidey is less babey and more ‘holy shit he’s an actual superboy’

-Happy family for two years

-infinity war is angsty and exactly the same 

-So is endgame but Tony doesn’t actually die because I'm not a fucking moron

-They get to be a happy family with morgan and mom pepper for literally like two months before shit goes down 

-Peter is traumatized by beck and although Tony isn’t actually dead, Beck convinces Peter that he is and that fucks him up a bit

-Guess whose identity is revealed as Peter Stark! 

-but his high school is confused because... Peter isn’t a Stark... his name is Parker? the fuck? 

-so it’s like two identity reveals in one and it's a little crazy 

-Peter decides not to handle it and just to run to his dad as he’s had a kind of fucked up week

-everything works out the end

SEND ME AN AU TO MAKE HEADCANONS ABOUT

[13eyond13]

Light and Halle

LIGHT + FIRST IMPRESSION:

I really hated Light my first time through the anime, even though I cried and felt pity for him when he died. I did find him interesting and sympathetic at first, like with his intentions for using the Death Note to make the world a better place for kind people. I wished that we had a bit more chance to debate the pros and cons of Kira’s impact on the world the way Matsuda always wanted to, because I definitely wasn’t as immediately “KIRA IS EVIL AND MUST BE STOPPED AT ANY COST” as most of the other main characters are in the show. I think I had a pretty similarly black and white /sheltered adolescent concept of what made somebody evil / a criminal back then, so Light’s idea of justice didn’t seem quite as extreme and misguided to me as it does now. What made me dislike him so much was how cruelly he killed off the characters I loved.

Once I got into the fandom and started reading fanfics I developed a bit of a new appreciation for him, though. Some people wrote him very sympathetic and layered, so I started to find myself agreeing with him more and seeing why other people loved his character so much. I still didn’t find him relatable, but I always liked reading about him and from his point of view.

LIGHT + IMPRESSION NOW:

I love Light so much now!! He’s definitely the most complex character in the series, what an icon. I think he’s one of the most interesting, unusual and compelling protagonists I’ve ever encountered in a show or book or comic series. He jumps right off the page and feels so real and alive, and he’s always so much fun to watch, even if you’re hating on him for something. His schemes are so methodical and smart and his personality is so clear-cut, and he has so many weird contradictions while still always feeling incredibly cohesive as a person. I love how easily I can swing back and forth on how I’m feeling about him at any given moment. I think he’s at his Kira best in the manga, and I’m really glad I read it in my twenties so I could fully appreciate what a good character he is.

LIGHT + FAVOURITE MOMENT:

Oh, his Kira speech at the very end is a classic. That LAUGH. He is so shameless and self-righteous and eloquently unhinged, it’s so satisfying to see him finally acting exactly as he wants to for once.

LIGHT + IDEA FOR A STORY:

I want to read about Light’s junior high tennis championship days!

LIGHT + UNPOPULAR OPINION:

He’s not really that vain about his appearance. He takes care of himself and he uses his good looks to his advantage whenever he can, but he doesn’t fuss over it to an extreme.

LIGHT + FAVOURITE RELATIONSHIP:

His relationship with L, though his relationship with his dad is very compelling and a huge part of the story’s heart and tragedy as well.

LIGHT + FAVOURITE HEADCANON:

All his Kira qualities were innately within him from the very beginning, and the only reason they didn’t come out before was because he’d never had the opportunity to wield that kind of anonymous power.

HALLE + FIRST IMPRESSION:

I don’t remember if I had much of an impression of her my first time through the anime in my teens. I was completely fixated on Light and the Wammy’s, so all the side characters like the SPK members kind of faded into the background for me.

HALLE + IMPRESSION NOW:

I think she’s badass and hot and has a funky haircut. I liked seeing her acting as Takada’s bodyguard especially. It’s nice to have a female presence on the SPK, and I think she did a great job alongside Near coaxing Mello into being more reasonable when they were all having that tense showdown at the HQ.

HALLE + FAVOURITE MOMENT:

HALLE + IDEA FOR A STORY:

I want to know more about her relationship with Mello! What exactly was going on between them?

HALLE + UNPOPULAR OPINION:

I think she was probably hooking up with Mello

HALLE + FAVOURITE RELATIONSHIP:

I guess her relationship with Mello is the one I find most interesting and ambiguous

HALLE + FAVOURITE HEADCANON:

She was really annoyed by Near’s plethora of toys, but would never say so out loud. Stepped on one too many Legos.

[kyberled]

SWEET MUNDAY MEME

@hxdrostorm​ asked:

★ What fandom do you consider welcoming? ☆ What are some the perks with the fandom you’re currently in? ☉ What fandom do you believe needs improvement? What could you do to do that?

★ What fandom do you consider welcoming? 

This one! Star Wars is so much fun. It’s the one I always come back to eventually, no matter where I go or for how long I dip out. I don’t really know what it is. Maybe it’s the friends I’ve made, maybe it’s the memories, maybe it’s my child. Maybe I just lucked out and fell into a good corner of the GFFA. I dunno. I just really like it here. It’s been a lot of fun for like, seven years now. I’m not going anywhere any time soon. 

☆ What are some the perks with the fandom you’re currently in?

It’s a huge fandom with a lot of lore. There’s always things to talk about and people to talk about it with. And you can get the answer to any question! There’s so much information about the galaxy. I once googled what colour Rodians bleed for an art piece, and guess what? It’s green. There’s an answer for that. There are different kinds of teas in canon, with some having pictures and even descriptions of how they taste or smell, what species can drink them, and where they’re popular. Do you know how useful it is when you’re writing a tea snob like my son? At the same time, there’s enough room for us to play with things and make up our own headcanons and stories. It’s awesome! I also love that we’re still getting new content. Forty years of Star Wars. Hopefully, many more - and in so many mediums, too! At this point, it’s like, pick your poison. Do you like books? Okay, novels, graphic novels, light novels, in universe guide books, out of character guide books, art books, behind the scenes books, zoology, sociology, action, adventure… Or how about games? MMORPG, single-player RPG, or the Lego masterpieces where Yoda can drive an ATV through Dagobah? Arts and crafts? We got ‘em. Cooking and baking? Got em. Makeup? Sword fighting? Cosplay communities so strong there are multiple officially recognized cosplay organisations for different galactic factions? Movies, shows, biopics, animations, live action displays, interactive experiences… There’s just so much Star Wars and it’s so cool. We really are spoiled. I’ve also - and not to get too sappy here - met so many long-term friends in this fandom. People I’ve known for closing in on a decade who I still speak to either daily or near-daily that I love to bits. That’s the best perk of them all. 

☉ What fandom do you believe needs improvement? What could you do to do that? 

Oh boy. This is a tough one. Not because every fandom I’ve been in is perfect - far from it - but because I can’t really improve some of the problems. I dunno how to solve racism, guys. I also can’t solve whatever was going on with the Homestuck fandom. I dropped off around act 6, I don’t know what to tell you. By and large, I just try to keep myself in line. Be polite, be positive, be welcoming. Be the kind of person I’d want to meet and write with. Welcome new fans and learn from the old ones. Respect the stars and creators and support their work without being weird about it. Look out for each other and enjoy the thing we’re here to enjoy. I figure that’s the best we can all do.

[spectrumscribe]

a solo act is good, too.

a Humanverse general TMNT universe fic, mostly using 2012 versions and borrowing from IDW here and there. i’ve always headcanoned 2012 Mikey as an aro/ace, so on the free day of the lgbtmntweek i decided to finally write a fic up for the hc. 

(not @ them bc of a slight NSFW situation involved. nothing graphic,  it barely lasts more than five sentences.)

“So Mikey, when’d you and Angel start dating?”

Mikey, age nine and a half, hits pause on his current model building project to give a blank stare to his friend across the table. Mondo keeps staring back, expectant.

“What??” Mikey asks.

“Everyone’s saying you’re girlfriend and boyfriend!” Mondo exclaims. He shoves aside his own Lego to lean forwards, whispering fervently, “You know girls have cooties, right?”

“Uh, yeah? Duh,” Mikey says, then remembers that his cousin Karai and friend April will beat him up for saying that, and diverts the subject. “But we’re not dating! Angel just likes Bionicle, that’s all. She’s fun, and we live really close.”

“Girls don’t like Bionicle,” Mondo says. “My sister hates it. She’s gotta be faking it so you guys can date.”

Mikey feels confused. He thought they were just friends who liked the same toys and TV show. And Angel never said so, so they aren’t dating. “But we’re not-!”

“You totally are!”

“Are not!”

“Are too!”

“Boys, settle down,” A passing TA says, and both boys quiet down.

There’s a moment of silence, and Mondo whispers, “Totally dating.”

And Mikey sticks out his tongue, not listening to another word his friend says all through free time. He’ll just ask Angel later, when they walk home from school together.

“My friends were saying the same thing, actually,” Angel says later, when they’re weaving through the streets back to their shared neighborhood.

Mikey scrunches his nose. “What? Why?”

Angel shrugs, reaching up and twisting one of her long dark strands around her finger. “They said we hang out a lot, so we gotta be dating.”

“That’s dumb. Donnie and April hang out a lot and they’re not dating.”

“I said that too, but everyone else thinks they’re dating anyways.”

Mikey groans. “So dumb.”

Angel shrugs again. “It’s not super dumb. I think dating sounds kinda fun.”

“Ew, no.”

“What, you wouldn’t date me?”

“You’re my friend.”

“So?”

“Friends don’t date, they do- friend stuff!”

“My big brother says that dating starts with friendship, though.”

Mikey thinks about that for a moment. “Really? People on TV just kiss a bunch, though.”

“Keno doesn’t kiss his girlfriend too much, they mostly just sit around and talk a lot,” Angel explains. “Or play music in his room, sometimes. So kinda what we do, but I guess big kid stuff instead.”

“So… are we dating, then?” Mikey asks tentatively.

Angel looks at him, contemplative as she examines Mikey’s baggy orange shirt, his cargo shorts, and wildly tangled brown hair. “Maybe? Do you wanna be dating?”

“Uh, we’d still do friend stuff, right?” Mikey doesn’t think kissing part sounds too bad. But only if it’s in little amounts.

“Well duh, we gotta finish Bionicle, right?”

“Oh totally.”

They keep walking for a minute, and Mikey remembers something that people who date are supposed to do. “I think we hold hands now.”

“Oh, right.”

Angel sticks out her hand, and Mikey takes it. They keep walking, go to his house where his brothers are already hanging around in, and they watch Bionicle season 2’s fifth episode together.

They end up kissing possibly three times over the course of the rest of the week, barely pecks on the lips, before Angel says they should probably break up.

“There’s no spark,” She says very seriously. “It’s not you, Mikey, it’s the spark.”

Mikey is hurt for about two seconds, and then shrugs. He’d only really been doing it because people said he’s supposed to. “Okay. You still wanna sleep over?”

It makes a lot more sense, around fourteen, why Angel hadn’t felt any spark for the brief relationship or Mikey. Mostly having to do with her dyeing her hair purple, getting a pink shaded button for her bag, and going steady with Alopex from her apartment building. Mikey isn’t really surprised- Karai had had the same kind of look Angel grew into at the exact same age, and his cousin had been dating girls since she figured out how to bleach her hair.

Mikey, by fourteen, has had exactly one relationship, three first kisses, and lacks motivation to seek out another situation to build those counts. He’s moved on from his Bioncle years- though he keeps some toys, for the sake of nostalgia- and dived headfirst into the Marvel comic’s universe.

The school library has an excellent selection, and at the beginning of his fourteenth year he meets a girl buried up to her ears in that section. Renet and Mikey hit it off immediately, swapping knowledge and recommendations and favorites and strong opinions about individual universes.

“Who’s your friend?” Leo asks after one evening, when Mikey had spent about an hour and a half debating heatedly on the phone. Guardians of the Galaxy verses the Avengers- who did more on the grand scale of things for the earth and its wellbeing? Mikey voted the Guardians, but Renet had fought back valiantly that ground troops frequently made more differences than long-range artillery support.

“Renet! She just moved here like, three weeks ago or something,” Mikey says, hanging up the phone. The debate would have to be continued at school, next lunchtime. He turns to his sixteen year old brother, grinning. “Can she come over for dinner sometime? You guys’ll love her, I swear.”

“Her?” Raph asks loudly from the living room. “Holy shit, did you finally get a girlfriend?”

Mikey frowns. “Uh. No? She’s just my comics buddy.”

“Who you’re inviting for dinner,” Leo says pointedly. “Who you just spent like, two whole hours talking to, instead of texting.”

“Hey Donnie, Mike’s finally got a crush on someone!” Raph hollers. Crashing follows and Donnie skids down the steps of their second story in all his fifteen year old lanky glory. He nearly wipes out on the pile of laundry by the steps.

“Did we get blackmail yet?” Donnie asks immediately, hardly taking the time to steady himself.

“Working on it,” Leo replies.

Mikey slaps his hands over his eyes, groaning. “Guyyys! Shut up! That’s not how this is! She’s just- really cool, okay? And knows about superhero shit!”

He hears his older brothers make disbelieving sounds, and Mikey ignores them all. Maybe he deserves a little teasing- he’d done so to all of them about their crushes- but it’s! Not! Like that!

And then the first school dance of the year rolls around, and Mikey is faced yet again by social pressure to be dating someone. He has limited options for a dance date: his cousin, who scares everyone and is probably too busy to come. His best friend, who has two dates already (Mikey doesn’t know how Mondo managed that or how he’s going to keep that a secret from both dates, but he promises his friend the funeral will be a nice one). His other best friend, but LH is twenty-something and would really scare everybody, even though he’s just a big softie who likes leather too much. None of those dates are acceptable, in hindsight.

Or there’s Renet.

Mikey wants to go to the dance, because dancing is great and he loves social events in general, so he agonizes a bit and finally asks Renet to go with him.

She turns bright pink when he does, and fumbles her hold on issue four of Wolverine and the X-men. “O-oh, Mikey. I didn’t know you, um, felt that way about me?”

Mikey rushes to abolish that idea. “No! I mean- I like you, but not like that! It’s just a stupid dance, okay? I just want to dress up nice and go dancing, I swear.”

Renet sighs in relief. “Okay, good. I’m not really supposed to date until I’m older anyways. I’m glad we don’t have to have such a totally uncomfortable convo.”

Mikey slumps in his chair, huffing. “You and me both. So will you?”

“Be your date?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure! I love dances, they’re totally bodacious,” Renet giggles, and Mikey grins in return. His friend’s outdated slang has to be one of his favorite things about her. He kind of wonders why isn’t crushing on her- Renet is curvy and cute and knows a ton about comics- but she’s just his friend.

Mikey puts that thought aside, and asks Renet what the hell a corsage is.

When the night rolls around, she shows up in a dress and hijab that’s color coordinated and he puts on actual dress pants for once. He wears his favorite flannel and a bowtie borrowed off Donnie- and grins and bears it as his father, brothers, and their friends all snap pictures of him and Renet.

“You two are so cute,” April comments, taking a picture as Mikey sticks his tongue out at her.

“I hate all of you,” He grouches, but smiles again so Renet’s parents will have good photos. At least he gets to have revenge, snatching up a camera and getting all the angles possible of Leo, Donnie, April, Casey, and Raph in their outfits. The five of them are going stag together- for reasons Mikey is Highly Suspicious of, regarding Donnie, Casey, April, and Leo in particular- and he’s only a little mad they didn’t tell him going stag was an option.

The dance itself goes great- good music, good mood, mediocre refreshments and minimal buzzkill from teachers supervising. Mikey sees and meets his family throughout the evening, throwing down on the dancefloor with Renet and their classmates. He sees Leo making his Nervous But Trying Not To Be face as he talks to a couple of his classmates, mostly towards one Asian guy with dyed white hair. Mikey also sees Raph drifting from the group with his friends and twin, towards the punch table and snacks, which leaves Donnie, Casey, and April shimmying in a circle and looking really awkward, and why can’t they just figure themselves out already, jeeze.

Mikey focuses mostly on twirling Renet around, and having fun with that. Mondo, who is soaked in punch from his dates dumping him and going off together, gives Mikey meaningful looks directed towards Renet.

Mikey ignores his friend and highly awkward family members, and just enjoys dancing with his comics buddy. Renet, at the end of the night, is flushed and grinning and Mikey really does wonder why he doesn’t feel the need to kiss her. She is awfully cute.

When the drop her off at home, all they say to each other is a reminder that comic swap is this Thursday and to remember to bring the ones they’d borrow from one another. And then Renet leaves, shutting the door and shutting Mikey inside a van with his stupid nosy family.

“So,” Leo says, and Mikey doesn’t have to look towards the driver seat to hear that grin.

“You two crazy kids kiss tonight?” Casey finishes, poking the back of Mikey’s head. Mikey swats the hand and tells them all to piss off. His family does not in fact piss off and pokes for juicy details for at least another few blocks.

There’s no ‘juicy details’ to tell, even after he and Renet meet up the rest of the week and keep meeting up. They swap comics and have debates and just hang out, still just friends and unchanged from the dance date. Mikey wonders on and off why he doesn’t have a crush on Renet- or anyone, really- but brushes it off in favor of the new Superior Ironman series coming out soon.

It stays that way, through years fifteen and sixteen- while Leo finally works up the courage to admit out loud he likes guys and ask Usagi out, Donnie and Casey and April keep making circles around each other and the elephant in the room, and Raph starts making eyes at a cadet in training he’s met at the gym. Even Renet starts going steady with a boy her family approves of, and she approves of even more so, and Mondo goes through about five more relationships, all ending in various states of chaotic mutuality.

Mikey watches his family and friends all be in love or at least interested in other people, and Mikey just keeps feeling more interested in his comics and skating.

“Maybe you’re gay, like me,” Angel suggests at one point, while they’re sitting at her kitchen table and cramming for a bio test.

“I dunno, maybe?” Mikey answers, and doesn’t feel against dating a guy, but feels about as enthused as he would dating a girl. Or anyone in between, honestly.

“You already tried girls, give some guys a shot. More for me.”

“You thinking of cheating on Alo?”

Angel flicks an eraser at Mikey. It lodges in his coils and he doesn’t even bother getting it out.

“Hell no, and if you say anything like that to her I’ll bust your kneecaps.”

“Noted.”

Mikey actually gives it a shot, dating guys. Dating in general. Keno introduces Mikey to a delivery boy his age at a local pizzeria, and Woody’s not bad to hang out with. He’s got curly hair to Mikey’s coily, freckles except in red, and skates most weekends. And he likes comics, albeit indie ones, and they find a bit of common ground by breaking in each other for new fields of reading.

It goes great, chaste kisses and holding hands and having coffee dates to skate parks- up until Woody asks to take it a step further. And Mikey doesn’t… want to.

“Is it your first time or something?” His boyfriend asks, and Mikey nods. “Then we’ll… wait, I guess. Until you’re comfortable.”

“Thanks,” Mikey says, and tries to not feel guilty for not being ready right now. He knows for a fact Mondo lost his virginity ages ago, described in detail that Mikey had to make his friend shut up about, that Angel lost hers a while ago, told in much less detail, and that most of their classmates have. He also knows that his brothers had at least tried things at this point, and Mikey hasn’t.

He feels a little left behind and frustrated about it.

He tells his buddy, Linnorm Hirutarum, named after a dragon because his parents had been awesome, all about it as LH tends to the vegetable patch behind his tiny house. Mikey flops all over the grass by it, grumbling and sighing, and snitching lettuce when he pretends LH isn’t looking.

“If you are not ready, then you are not ready,” LH says sensibly in his usual growling tone. Which is default for him and basically his version of a warm-fuzzy tone anyways.

“But I should be!” Mikey exclaims. “Everyone else was. Is. Augh.”

“Have you talked about this with Woody?”

“I… I don’t want him thinking it’s about him. Because it’s not! It’s just stupid whatever stuff for me and I need to get over it.”

LH’s shadow falls over him, and Mikey waits for his huge friend to gently lower himself onto the grass. LH’s wide scars move with him as he does, displayed by a sleeveless shirt only in the safety of the hedge protected backyard. His hand comes down on Mikey’s veritable afro, and pats Mikey’s head as he keeps talking.

“I know people who have made rash decisions about these sorts of things,” LH says seriously. “If you are not ready, then do not force yourself to. Respect your own boundaries.”

Mikey sighs, but agrees to respect himself. It’s easy to agree in that moment, with only LH’s non-judgemental presence near him, but it’s harder when he’s with Woody again and trying to explain himself without being rude.

He gives it a try, the whole sex thing. LH said to respect his boundaries, but Mikey thinks he can do it if he just figures out how it goes. Everyone else likes it, so shouldn’t he?

They talk about it, set up a date, and Mikey gets ready to experience the… experience.

It ends up being an unexciting, uncomfortable half hour of sloppy kisses and bumping parts. Mikey tries his best, but can’t figure out why anyone works so hard to experience this.

When it’s all over, Mikey hasn’t felt anything remotely close to pleasure, and actually feels a little over touched. Woody is a bit flushed, breathing fast by Mikey’s ear, but doesn’t seem super pleased either.

“…you didn’t enjoy it, did you?” He asks.

Mikey covers his eyes, and sighs. “No. Sorry.”

“Yeah, I thought you didn’t. Sorry, Mikey.”

“It’s not your fault,” Mikey says, taking his arms away and staring at the ceiling of Woody’s room. “I’m pretty sure this one’s all on me.”

They sit in stiff silence for a moment, before Woody asks if Mikey wants to stay for dinner. Mikey declines as gracefully as he can, and goes home instead. Slogging upstairs and heading into the shower to wash off.

He’s pretty sure he shouldn’t feel so much better, alone in his bedroom and freshly cleaned of the lingering smell of body fluids. His brothers find him there later, in a bathrobe and watching the original Twin Peaks on his laptop, and they ask him why he washed so early.

Mikey debates for a moment, and decides they’ll find out somehow anyways. “I had sex.” He’s unsurprised to hear Leo choke on his own spit, and Raph and Donnie make twin sounds of shock and disbelief. “Yup. Popped the cherry but good. You guys can stop teasing me about it, now.”

Does he sound a little bitter? Mikey thinks he does. From the way his brothers hover awkwardly in the doorway, they heard the bitterness, too.

“…you okay, Mikey?” Leo asks, genuinely concerned.

Mikey shrugs. “I’m fine. It just went awful, that’s all.”

Raph pats Leo on the shoulder, simultaneous with Donnie, as they both silently nominate the eldest to deal with the situation. Leo shoots them both an abandoned look, but steps into Mikey’s room to come sit on his bed. Mikey doesn’t pause his video, using it as a distraction from his prickling shame.

Leo watches him for a moment, before asking, “You used protection, right?” and Mikey groans, covering his face.

“It wasn’t that kind of sex, okay?”

“Oh. Um. Good?”

“Smooth,” Raph comments from the doorway, audibly swatted at by Donnie.

“Anyways,” Leo recovers. “You were both… you talked about it beforehand, right? You both wanted it?”

“Yeah,” Mikey says miserably into his sleeve.

“…you know first times are always bad, right, Mikey? It takes- um- practice-”

“It wasn’t because of that, Leo. You can stop.”

“Thank you,” Leo says gratefully. Donnie and Raph snicker from the doorway. “So… what was it because?”

“I can’t believe this is a conversation we’re having.”

“Shh!”

“If it’s somethin’ that kid did-”

“Raph we talked about that contingency already: only if Mikey says so-”

“It wasn’t Woody,” Mikey says, before death threats start getting thrown around. “It was me, okay? I made it suck.” He takes his arms off his face, shooting a look at all three of his siblings. “And before you say it- no it wasn’t just because it was my first time. It sucked ‘cause I suck and I couldn’t figure out how to enjoy sex, okay?”

A beat of silence, all three of his brothers staring at him, and then Leo breaks the lull.

“Mikey… you don’t ‘figure out’ how to enjoy sex. You just- enjoy it. It happens naturally.”

Mikey’s cheeks burn and he scowls. “Well apparently not with me.”

“Maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet?” Raph suggests. “I mean, you know me and how things go with that.”

Mikey shakes his head. “I kinda doubt it; I’ve tried to get crushes on like, ten different kids at school and nada. Zip.”

Donnie tilts his head, long hair following the movement. “Maybe when you’re older you’ll be more interested?”

Mikey sighs. “I don’t know. Maybe. I hope so. But it’s been like- never a thing, okay? I should’ve had feelings or whatever at some point, at least once, right?”

A collective “uhhhh” from his brothers and Mikey turns over into his pillow to suffocate himself. Leo pats his back comfortingly, saying Mikey should just give himself more time, keep an open mind to chances in the future- and Mikey makes a wordless complaining sound into his pillow for it.

He and Woody break it off a few weeks later. His friend tried, and Mikey recognizes that, but Woody needs a relationship that involves stuff Mikey just… can’t figure out how to give. He tries only two more times before they just call it quits. It’s not working, and trying to make it work is just frustrating for them both.

They keep being friends afterwards, and that’s actually better in the long run. It’s everything Mikey really wanted out of the relationship anyways, so he doesn’t feel like he’s lost anything.

He feels shitty for not being able to put out like he wanted to, though. And that drives him nuts for the rest of the year, until he’s seventeen and graduating finally, and gearing up to follow his siblings to local universities. Donnie graduated ages ago, but stayed local because of their family and he, April, and Casey’s really obvious secret relationship. Casey is in mechanics, and April in general sciences; Donnie is in both and more, because he’s insane. Leo is already a few years into his share of university courses, a hopeful nurse in the future, and Raph is neck deep in his art courses.

Mikey doesn’t know what he’s going to go for, and signs up for a random collection of electives to start with. Social sciences and psychology looks sort of fun, and so do dance courses. But those are months away, and before then is summer, family time, and June’s Pride Parade.

They’ve gone a couple times, when everyone has the day off from work or classes, and this year Mikey doesn’t have a shift at his outreach program scheduled on the parade’s date. So he, his family and friends, all end up watching the parade go by in a loosely connected group.

The standard drag queens, sponsor programs, and generally proud and loud folks roll by, music and cheer its usual levels of boisterousness. Mikey snags a couple plastic necklaces that are being given out, and just enjoys hanging out with his family. He waves to Angel and Alopex as they march by, part of the local lesbian representatives, watching the familiar pink and red flags flutter as they do, but pauses as the next group follows them.

It’s just a handful of people, walking with grey, white, purple, and black flags, mixed with ones very similar but instead of purple, they have green. There’s some polite clapping as they go past, and Mikey nudges Donnie beside him. “Hey, Donnie, what’re those flags for?”

“I… don’t actually know?” His phone is out within seconds, reflexes of a true technology addict. “Let’s see what our almighty lord and savior google has to say about it.” Mikey pushes close, reading as much as he can as Donnie flicks through the search faster than he can take it. “They’re- huh. They’re for ‘asexuality’ and... ‘aromantics’? I don’t even know what the second one is, and I’ve never heard about that first one being applied to anything other than asexual reproduction.”

“More explanation, please?” Mikey asks impatiently.

“It’s says- don’t push, I’m trying to scroll- it says it’s for individuals with little or no sexual drive, or little to no interest in romance. Actually that sounds contradictive, why are they listed together…”

Mikey’s eyebrows shoot up. “Really?”

“Well, that’s a gross oversimplification of everything here. There’s a spectrum for it, and apparently different categories? This is actually pretty interesting. I wonder why I’ve never read about it before.”

Mikey snags the phone from his brother, scrolling back to the top and rereading the first few paragraphs. He ignores Donnie’s grabby hands and keeps reading, feeling a twisty hopeful emotion build in his chest.

“Here,” He says, tossing the phone back at his brother. “hold my spot.” And he takes off at a jog to catch up with the parade members. They’re not too far ahead, and Mikey just has to avoid slipping on stray necklaces as he runs over to them.

“Hey- hey!” He shouts, catching up with the first person he can. The woman turns questioningly towards him, and Mikey blurts, “When did you- did you first know?”

She blinks at him, adjusting her hold on the big flag pole on her shoulder. “Excuse me?”

“That you’re asexual,” Mikey asks, heart tempo speeding up. “How’d you know?”

She stares at him a second longer, and then grins. “Around the time I had my first girlfriend, and I looked back at the times with my other partners and figured out I was always more interested in watching the movie than I was in making out.”

Mikey grins back. “Yo- same hat!”

“Oh yeah?”

“Totally! My ex always wanted to make out during Luke Cage and I was always like- dude no there’s good stuff happening. That’s. Wow.” Mikey feels a little breathless. “So that’s what it is? It’s not like- just a me thing?”

He barely hears the crowd around them, his focus tunneled around the conversation and the woman holding the flag. Mikey waits for a denial or an okay, a little scared while he’s so excited.

The woman smiles kindly. “No, that’s not just a you thing. We’re not a huge community, but there’s aces out there. Do you think you’re one of us?”

“I don’t know, I’m- I’m hoping so?” Mikey’s heart does a little twist. “I mean. My bro just pulled up the google explanation, and it sounds really, really. Um. Like me?”

The woman reaches up to the front of her jean jacket, and reaches into a pocket. When she pulls out her hand, she holds something out to Mikey.

“Look into it a little more, but if you think asexuality fits you- then welcome to the club, kid.”

Mikey takes the little button, grinning ear to ear. He thinks he’s shaking he’s so ecstatic. “Hey, would it be cool if I hugged you right now? I think you just solved like half my life problems.”

The woman laughs, and holds her arm out. It’s an awkward hug, because they’re both still walking and she’s carrying a flag, but Mikey appreciates it wholly.

When he comes back to his family, he’s got a new pin stuck to his shirt and an elated, hopeful feeling in his chest behind it.

“Hey guys, guess what?”

Turns out, not really feeling like dating people is fine all on its own.

So while Leo and Usagi go through the ups and downs of long-standing relationships, Donnie, Casey, and April all share their usual collective awkwardness and romantic overtures, Raph finally lands a date with the cadet Y’Gythgba he’s been following around for ages, and Karai and Shinigami disappear over the eastern horizon to share their seventh anniversary-

Mikey cracks a fresh pile of comics in his bedroom, turns up his music, and calls Renet on Skype to have a comparison hangout of their latest picks. He hangs out with Mondo and Woody around the skate park before that, and rolls by Angel’s place to say hi to his friend and her family on the way back. He pops in at LH’s place, trading half the casserole Angel’s mom gave to him for fresh veggies, chatting about his day so far and plans for a comic binge later. He sees his friends, does what he always does with them, and departs from them all one after another.

When he goes home, enjoying the summer heat all on his own and excited to video call his best girl who-is-his-friend and nothing more- he doesn’t feel even the slightest bit lonely as he walks. Like he always has.

[kyulilitanako]

How I fixed “The Emoji Movie”

(inside my head, without actually having seen it, or "Wreck-It Ralph," or "Inside Out," or "The Lego Movie," I seriously need to get out more, although I did see "The Lego Batman Movie" and that was pretty cool.  ♪ Friends are Family ♪ )

So, if I was the Queen of Hollywood, this is what I’d do.  Let us begin.

1. A little product placement is not a sin, but full-blown product immersion is both a sin and a crime, and in a world run by evil geniuses, the guilty would be stripped naked, wrapped several times around in succulent vines and acacia leaves, and dangled upside-down from a crane just inside the giraffe paddock at the zoo during feeding time.  More on this later.

2. Gene's new problem is that he desperately wants to help Alex take a shot at true love with Addie, because he's a romantic at heart, but fears he will never have the opportunity to do so, since kids...probably don't send a "Meh" to their crush to demonstrate their affection.  At least I don’t think they do.  But anyway.  Gene feels the pang of unfulfilled dreams because he thinks (based on what other emojis say) that humans ONLY interact through their phones.  We’ll fix this.

3. Jailbreak doesn't reject being a princess, she just wants being a princess to mean something more than a pretty dress and sparkly crown. She wants to do something heroic because she understands girls can lift themselves up without pushing approximately half the population down, and that you can be pro-woman without being anti-man. (Source: am girl.)

4. Hi-5 has been reduced from sidekick to running gag, showing up only occasionally to deliver a zinger and then disappear again for awhile.

5. Alex gets more screen time, often while he uses his phone to record a vlog about Addie, the Girl of His Dreams, but he never plucks up the courage to post it to...wherever, and always saves it to "Draft." But Gene watches these videos religiously, becoming more and more determined to bring the two of them together, somehow. Vive l’amour!

6. Smiler doesn't persecute Gene for being a multi-faceted misfit, she gleefully attempts to exact justice because Gene now exploits Jailbreak's mad hacker skillz to send cryptic, Cyrano de Bergerac-esque messages to Addie's phone, pretending to be Alex. See, the world can never know that phones have tiny sentient entities inside them, running around having coherent thoughts (ohai, Skynet!), therefore Smiler believes whatever fate she calls down upon Gene is justified, and...y'know...once in awhile, the villain has a point.  Crazy, I know.

7. Some of the rounder emojis have bodies now! I mean...Jailbreak already had a small one, because she's wearing a skirt (that's a skirt, right?), so why not put a little meat on ALL of their bones so they don't look like ping pong balls on sticks? Then Jailbreak can slap a sparkly pink crown sticker on her cargo pants and say, "This is my princess dress."

8. Jokes.  There should be some!  Low-hanging fruit should be kept to a minimum, with no more than three (3) instances of scatological humor throughout the picture.  Sorry, Mr. Poop.

9. And about that Poop emoji.  In my version, he is now a mentor who shows up about an hour in, to reveal to Gene the myriad ways in which humans communicate, and to encourage Jailbreak to forge her own path to princesshood through valiant deeds, all while delivering a powerful message about transcending one’s limits, as he must have done himself to become such a wise oracle despite starting his digital life as a neatly-coiled pile of excrement.  I would gladly have Sir Patrick Stewart voice my headcanon Poop emoji, even knowing that he probably thoroughly enjoyed doing the job he’s already done.  To each his own.  Moving on.

10. Gene’s parents have a little less screen time now, and instead of debating what kind of “Meh” their darling boy will make, they can just do a bit about the red-hot passion of their marriage, but in the same monotone voices.  It’ll work.

11. Instead of old school emoticons being “the elderly,” maybe they’re just a bit older than other residents of Textopolis, and not totally decrepit, shouting “Ow, my colon!” when someone bumps into them. Seriously, old people don’t say that.  You generally cannot feel your colon.  Maybe they walk into the McCafé app and get a free senior’s coffee instead.  That’s plenty.

12. Back to the product placement.  If you’re gonna have your main characters running through apps, the goal is to do something clever with it, which is the opposite of what I gather has already happened.  So, you’re running from some bad robots, and you run into the Facebook app.  Can you rip elements off the phone’s screen and use them as weapons?  Rip off a “Like” button and hold it up as a shield?  Would the “Like” button then disappear as Alex was about to tap it?  Was this possibility even explored?  You remember those animations of the stickman who runs amok all over the UI and does battle with the user by attacking the cursor?  That shit was awesome.  Let’s do some of that.

13.  Instead of trying to get to Dropbox so they can alter their own source code..........? (LOL THEY DON’T KNOW HOW TO COMPUTER)  Instead of that, Gene and Jailbreak go to the Cloud so they can infiltrate Addie’s phone and deliver proof of Alex’s ardor “in person.”  If we absolutely must visit Candy Crush, maybe they flip over a bunch of red jellybeans in the shape of a heart, or...something.  Maybe they could meet their Meh and Princess counterparts over there, and maybe they’re hilariously different.  Or something.

14. Once that happens, though, Smiler is going to go into absolute panic mode, and probably send a whole army of robo-meanies to all sorts of different phones trying to track them down.  As the virus of her own making spreads, chasing the virus of her worst fears, she resolves that she will use her bots to wipe every phone within her reach rather than let the secret of living emojis be discovered.  We’re already suspending ten kinds of disbelief to get this far, so expanding Smiler’s powers might not be terribad.

15.  Meanwhile, Gene and Jailbreak, while trolling around inside Addie’s phone, learn that she’s leaving with her family for the whole summer (maybe going to the cottage?  around here folks love going to the cottage, it’s the summer thing to do), and if Alex doesn’t make his move soon, he could lose her.  Oh noes!

16.  Home stretch now.  Gene realizes, after all his efforts, the best way Alex can tell Addie how he feels is with his own words, and fortunately, Gene knows where to find some of them!  With Jailbreak’s help, he transfers a copy of Alex’s unposted vlog to Addie’s phone, where she stumbles across it and plays it.  Now...if this happened in real life, it’d be some pretty serious stalker stuff, but again, we’re suspending fair amounts of disbelief already.  Did the actual movie establish Addie crushing on Alex at all before the end?  Well, whatever.  Maybe if his vlog is sensitive and heartfelt enough, she might not feel too creeped-on.

17. Which brings us to the big action finish.  Working in tandem with someone still back on Alex’s phone (idgaf, pick someone at random.  It can be Hi-5 if you really want.  I guess.), Gene co-ordinates a series of brief messages between the phones to get both Alex and Addie out of their houses and walking around outside.  Jailbreak hacks into the traffic light system (yeah, this is starting to pop up even in small towns now, they can change the length of a green light with two mouse clicks at a price tag of $15,000 per intersection or something) and actually manipulates the traffic in the real world to herd the lovebirds towards each other, all while robo-meanies chase them through Addie’s phone, up through the Cloud, and back to Alex’s phone in a big production that has all the emojis on Addie’s phone banding together to aid the success of their mission, as well as their subsequent escape.

18. Alex and Addie find themselves standing on the same street corner with nothing to do but have a conversation, which they somehow manage.  Addie suggests maybe Alex and his folks can come up to the cottage for a visit.  (I’m sure her parents will love that.  Invite some more strangers while you’re at it, honey!  We’ll have a luau!  But anyway.)  It’s not everlasting love, but it’s a start, and that’s all we’re really looking for here.

19. Back home again, Gene is proud that even a “Meh” like him can help fan the flames of a budding new romance (wait, buds don’t flame....) and learned that human speech is far more powerful at conveying emotion than he was led to believe by his peers.  Jailbreak is proud to be her own definition of a “princess,” having demonstrated courage, valor, and encyclopedic knowledge of several programming languages.  Smiler keeps on smiling, even though she’s seething with twelve kinds of rage, which she won’t be able to act on because...heck, I dunno, maybe the robots didn’t make it out of the Cloud.  RIP robots.

20. No dance party at the end.  Just.......just no.

And that’s how I would fix “The Emoji Movie.”