#i guess I'm just looking for people to comfort me. i wish i didn't rely on the words of others so much

[altxrrmelancholy]

The me of Yesterday, The me of Today, The me of Tomorrow - Jwy and Cs

Tags: poly relationship, woosan x reader, body insecurities, Wooyoung is just being annoying for no reason, crying, San is very sweet, suggestive, a bit of angst, hurt/comfort.

Note: This is for a friend (and anyone struggling with this) on here who told me about her insecurities about having smaller boobs than her sister's firmer and larger ones, and getting made fun of because of it. This is for y'all, wherever you are 🩷 (this was requested by her, I'm not spilling any secrets so dw)

If you can guess which song the title is from then you're a real one.

•••

Wooyoung couldn't have asked for a better night. He was with the two people he loved so much, lounging on San's bed. They couldn't find any other day to be together, as their schedules have become packed these days, forcing them to meet at night instead. He was happy that, despite annoying his lovers constantly, they agreed to meet in yours and San's apartment, with him still living in his frat house. Safe to say that he was content, laying on San's stomach on his bed with his eyes closed, as the man doom-scrolled on TikTok. He loved this so much.

"So you guys think I could pull off implants?"

Until an annoying grating voice spewing nonsense sounded from the corner of the room. "What the fuck are you on about this time."

Wooyoung looked in your direction to find you topless, cupping your boobs while facing the mirror. You turned yourself in different angles, looking for... who the fuck knows before frowning. Wooyoung would have said something pervy already about him not having his mouth on your chest when you're topless, but a slap on his cheek stops him in his tracks. "Hey!"

"Woo." He looked up to see his boyfriend look at him disapprovingly before narrowing his eyes. "Baby what's wrong." His attention turns to you, still dejectedly staring at your boobs.

"She does this all the time, San. Are you looking for attention? Is that what you want? Is me sucking your boobs not enough?"

"Woo stop." San's voice raises a little startling both you and Woo. "I swear if you say anything else, you're not spending the night here. I mean it."

Wooyoung scoffs and shifts away from San, making himself comfortable on a pillow. "Fine then. Whatever."

You look at both of them bickering silently. You knew what Woo meant when he said what he said. But that didn't make you any less dejected. Sure, your boobs filled your hands as you cupped them. But you had small hands. San's and Woo's however were bigger than yours and couldn't fully cup them. In the middle of intimate sessions, you would sometimes feel embarrassed when either of them kissed all over your chest, wishing that your breasts were bigger, so they could squeeze and prod them however.

"Y/n. I know what you're thinking, stop." You look towards San enchanted by his sweet soft voice. His eyes however told a different story. He waved you over to sit next to him. You bent down to pick up your top when you heard San exclaim.

"Aht! Leave your clothes. Come as you are."

You hesitated a bit before walking over to San, slowly but surely. Woo was still turned away from the both of you but you could see his eyes were still open, listening in.

San dragged you by your arms towards him and sat you on his thighs facing him. He allowed you to take the duvet that Woo was using, to cover yourself up. You then settled, your eyes spelling sadness as you waited for San to speak.

San couldn't really understand why you made comments like these all the time. In his eyes, you were perfect. You were strong, independent and could easily rely on yourself. Both him and Woo were proud of you. They loved you so much, and to see you dejected over something like this was obviously making them sad too, especially since they loved your boobs. Woo couldn't really say it as it is, but he's sure he feels horrible too. He wanted to somehow make you know that it doesn't really matter what size your boobs are, but this isn't the first time something like this has ever happened. After all, you can't really see the love others have for you if you don't love yourself.

"Y/n." You looked up at your boyfriend's kind eyes. "Did anyone say anything to you?"

You shifted a little, eyes slightly furrowed. "What? No. What do you mean?"

"Because you couldn't have started feeling like this out of nowhere, especially after we reassured you last time." He swept some hair away from your face, behind your ear.

You looked down. Why do you keep worrying your boyfriends? Why couldn't you just be perfect enough for them?

"Love, look at me." He lifted your chin to look up at him. "Hhmm? Tell me."

You felt your eyes start filling up. Your boyfriend had changed his tone and was speaking way softer, realizing that this was not a time to repremand or scold you. "It's just... O-on the internet, this pretty girl with bigger boobs... And all the men were saying that... that she was ideal. And th-that, they were attracted to her and I just wanted to feel the way she felt." You were crying at this point. Wooyoung wanted so badly to turn around and say something but hw knew whatever he would say was the wrong thing. That's why San was there. That's why there were three of you.

San understood now a bit clearer. He glanced at his boyfriend to check on him and then to you. He wipes the tears away, like he always has. Like he always will.

"Do you want other men's attention?"

This made you look up. "Huh?" The softest he has ever heard.

"Do you want other men to see you as an object? Do you want to only be known because of your boobs, and not the other amazing qualities that you have? Do you want to spend the rest of your life sad, because a part of your body pisses you off because of other people's opinions?"

It was often hard for you to fully process words like this, especially in a puddle of your own self hatred. You often worry they would leave you especially Wooyoung, who is surrounded by younger girls with bigger boobs than yours. You've seen some of them. How pretty they look. But you understood at that moment what San was trying to put across, and you did not like the sound of seeking male validation. The only validation you needed was your boyfriends'.

"No..." You shook your head after a while. "I don't like the sound of that."

"You see?" San lips stretched as he smiled. "Then what's making you feel like this? I know it's not about some random ugly nobodies."

Wooyoung laughed at that one. San looked at you as if trying to read your mind. He heard what you said earlier about wanting implants. He never really paid attention to such comments as he thought that if he ignored them, you would too. He guesses that it didn't really-

That's it.

"Love? Are you doing this because of us?" He says with revelation. The way you looked down told him what he needed to know. Wooyoung even shifted to his back to look up at both of you. "Love, you know we love you, right? You don't need validation from us to form an opinion on yourself, you know that right?"

"But I just want to look good for both of you San."

"Y/n trust me right now when I say this but you're the sexiest person ever. The way you move, the way you exist... You're so perfect Y/n. So who the hell is telling you that you can't love yourself, huh? Why are you trying to change yourself for us, when the only one who sees a problem with yourself is you?"

The tears weren't stopping, damn it.

"But-"

"Y/n shut the fuck up."

San didn't even say anything. Just one glare at Woo and he was always looking away. San turned your attention from Wooyoung to him. "I love you everyday, I love you all the time. So it baffles me why you do this to yourself." He lowered the duvet from your chest and grabbed your arms. You looked at him like he made you. "I love you." He kissed the top of your left breast. "I love you." He kissed the other. "And I love... you." Then finally your lips.

You felt Wooyoung move behind you after he heard you sob. He too sat on San's legs, hugging you from the back. His head was buried in your neck as he inhaled your scent deeply. If he couldn't offer support verbally, he sure could offer it physically. You sat there as both your boyfriends both hugged you as you sobbed. And you felt so full inside. Sure, San's advice and reassurance didn't just work immediately. He knew this would take you a while to get over. But you also knew that you would overcome these thoughts. And feel good about yourself to love yourself.

"Besides, you can wear certain outfits that people with bigger boobs can't, you know."

"Woo."

"What San I'm right and you know it."

That managed to make you chuckle a bit. I mean, yeah, he was right.

You completely miss the mischievous look that Woo gives San.

"Since Y/n doesn't appreciate herself, what so you say we show her how much we love her?" He says as he grabs your tits from behind, pinching your nipples. You look at his hands on your chest, and begin to get nervous.

San smirks past you. "Woo, that's like the only thing you've said today that has made sense."

Wooyoung bursts out laughing instead of being annoyed as San leans forward to kiss you. He truly couldn't have asked for a better night.

•••

Note: I'm not at all dissing girlies with bigger boobs. The point was that you should learn to be kinder to yourself and love yourself, for there is literally no one that's you. That is all. 🫶

[waayfo]

To you, who have lost yourself:

aventurine x gn!reader. a/n : guess who just broke up w their first ever bf 🤓☝️ tags. light angst, (not rlly) hurt/comfort, breakups, mainly just aven’s letter 4u. might add p2 but idk

Everything went like a dream at first; everything tastes sweet, all of Aventurine's demeanor and words always leave an impression on your mind. He was born to be a gentleman, you think.

But you should know more than anyone, that every sweet attitude and speech is a trap. A trap that pushes you over the edge of a cliff.

The cliff is that will lead you to an endless darkness.

“You look breathtaking, Ves'tacha.” and his hand always guides you.

You always loved it when you woke up in the morning, and looked at him still asleep in awe. How can there be a human who looks so stunning?

Stroking his hair, you always say good morning as soon as you see him start to open his eyes. The birds are chirping, and you both are still rotting in bed.

But saying goodbye was never in your vision. The ‘in the end, everyone you’ve ever loved will became a lesson’ was never be your wish. But you can't deny that not falling for sweet words is a lesson for you.

“This is not your fault, but mine. I.. i just need some time alone.” you are now reluctant to hear the words that came out of his mouth.

“But not breakup!” You can’t help but try to hold back your tears. But all you heard next were excuses coming out of his mouth.

How many days have passed since that day? You don't remember it anymore. You start to overworking yourself to forget it.

Forgetting how to eat on time, and how you miss sleeping with someone in your arms.

That first week was like hell, all you remember is crying. Staring at the letter you were holding, you just listened silently to Topaz—your ex's friend—excuse herself.

You ignore the letter for eight days, reluctant to open and read it. Or maybe you are afraid that you will remember everything again?

Day nine, you try to read it. Aventurine's handwriting that you've been missing all this time is clearly visible on the letter.

The “For you, who have lost yourself” writing is clearly visible on the front of the letter, written a little large by purpose.

‘Dearest,

I hope this letter is delivered safely to you.

I don't want to take back my apology. I also don't regret knowing you all this time. I can be happy and finding out about happiness all this time thanks to you. I can feel what love is thanks to you. I can live and love this life thanks to you. The other side of my heart desperately seeking for you, but it’s all too late now..

I can’t change the fact that i’ve hurt you— someone who loved me, also who’s important to me.

After spending a lot of time thinking and asking Topaz for advice, I decided to write a letter of apology—or rather the words I wish I could have said to you sooner:

Your presence always brings calm to me. I don't know how I can describe all the things you make me feel. And you are appreciated, please remember that well. You must love yourself more than you love other people.

I’m very proud of you. You are enough just as you are.

And I never lie when I praise you. I never lie when I say 'I love you'. I didn't lie when I confessed my feelings to you at that time. I never lie about everything I do and say to you.

I'm sorry I couldn't say this sooner.

I'm sorry I didn't have the courage to tell you everything, especially my past.

I'm sorry for being such a coward hiding behind my words.

I'm sorry I didn't say this directly because I knew you would hate me

I’m sorry for all my mistakes.

It was while writing this letter that I realized the real reason I asked to break up; I want you to find someone better than me. Who doesn't just rely on his words even though he is actually a coward.

All my apologies are not enough to replace your feelings which were hurt because of my actions and words.

‘To love is to let go.’ That's the advice Topaz gave me. And it took eight days for me to understand it.

So please, find someone better than me.‘

[lbulldesigns]

AITAH FOR GHOSTING MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS FOR THREE YEARS, FOR MY OWN MENTAL HEALTH?

Posted 7th of January, 2024

Disclaimer: mentions of self-harm, violence, and attempted suicide.

Please bear with me. This post will be long.

I (20f) have been estranged from my family for the past three years.

I want to start off by saying that my family aren't bad people. They were never abusive, and they did care for me, but they could never understand me or the full extent of my issues.

Some background. When I was around five, my sister (26f), we'll call her V, and I witnessed our parents' death at the hands of some trigger-happy Enforcers. We don't know why they decided our parents deserved to die, but they did, and we were left orphaned when the authorities couldn't find any other family to take us in.

We bounced around in the system for a while, fearing being torn from each other at any moment, before a family friend was able to foster and then officially adopt us. Our AD (adoptive dad) was a godsend, he was and still (to my knowledge) is the most patient and gentle man I know. Despite looking like a wolf LOL.

Along with gaining a new father we also gained two brothers (twin 23m) the older twin (C) takes after our dad, Kind and patient. The younger twin (M) however is a little nasty bitch, who took upon himself to make my life in particular an ongoing hell. He was never physically abusive, but he was verbally abusive. It felt like not a day would go by when he wasn't putting me down and treating my existence like it was something insignificant. He never had a problem with V, just me.

For the first six years everyone else would defend me, put him in his place, and overall hold him accountable but at some point, they stopped holding him accountable and just expected me to grow a thicker skin. I still remember the day when I went crying to my sister and rather than comfort me, just rolled her eyes and asked if I could maybe not take him seriously because she needed to finish her group project. To her credit, she apologised for that but it was hard to rely on her after that.

Long story short, M made my home life unbearable, and I had bullies at school that made it unbearable. Especially once I was in high school and my best (and only) friend started making friends of his own. I want to say that I was cool with this, but in reality, I turned into an absolute brat and refused to get along with any of them. I wish I didn't, but I just couldn't help but feel betrayed and genuinely acted on those emotions.

And this is how I was with everyone. Constantly betrayed and acting out. It was no wonder everyone I knew got sick of me.

My Dad was constantly worrying about me.

My older brother avoided me as much as possible, to avoid my outbursts.

My sister was just constantly swinging between feeling guilty, angry, and just done with my constant outbursts. Especially when these outbursts were directed at her girlfriend, who constantly talked about how she wanted to be an Enforcer to protect others (take a wild guess why I couldn't like her). V even slapped me for something I said (I can't remember what) to her GF that made her cry.

And my best friend... hates me.

It's my own fault, obviously.

What led to the title of my post is this.

I told my (former) best friend that I loved him and wanted to be with him, and he just raged at me. Apparently, he was seeing someone and thought that I was pulling something in order to break them up. He didn't believe me when I said that I didn't know he was in a relationship (I genuinely didn't know) but he wouldn't hear it and called me an AH and said he was done with me.

I felt humiliated and heartbroken, when I got home that day I was crying and M was the first person, unfortunately, who I came across. And the first thing he does is scoff and roll his eyes, and said "fucking crybaby".

I don't fully remember what happened, I blacked out, but I remember my dad pulling me off of M and his face was a bloody mess. I'm pretty sure that I broke his nose and then some, my dad was so angry. The angriest I've ever seen him; he actually shook me by the shoulders and demanded what was wrong with me. And when I couldn't answer, they told me to get out. Which I did.

I just bolted from the house, the sound of shouting behind me, and just kept running until I got to the Bridge of Progress.

I was just so empty and lost, and the water below looked so tempting. I was about to end it all when my guardian angel showed up.

Ez (21m) was walking by when he saw me about to jump and, without hesitation, climbed up next to me and asked what we were doing.

He saved me that day, without even trying. He listened to my whining and rather than offer me empty promises of "it'll be okay" instead said "girl you messed up. Wanna go on an adventure with me?"

We've been friends ever since.

I took him on his offer and went home to collect some things, when I got there the lights were off so I climbed up to my bedroom window and let myself in. I grabbed my clothes, some saved up cash, my laptop, and my documents (in case I needed them) and left a note for my family saying "bye".

And that was three years ago. I haven't been in contact with them, I don't follow them on social media, and I left my mobile behind so they were never able to get hold of me.

I completely and utterly. Ghosted them. And I don't entirely regret it.

In the last three years I have gained close friends, experienced new things, seen interesting things, and have felt well enough to actually want to seek therapy. My mental health improved greatly, although I still have issues but still am lot better than I was before.

However, I can't help but feel like an AH. My family weren't bad, just fed up. They are genuinely good people (even M) it's just that I bring the worst out in people. But recently I've been wondering if I should reach out or not.

What if doing so disrupts their lives? What if my leaving improved their lives?

I don't know.

AITAH if I reach out to my family after ghosting them for three years?

(This is a fanfic. Please read tags)

[inactivewattpadauthor]

Johnny Cage x Celebrity Reader

~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tonight's walk with your celebrity peer was supposed to calm you after the shitshow of an interview you had as a guest on a television host show.

Maybe the walk wasn't helping because the flickering street annoyed your senses. Or you could see the stars to a bare minimum due to light pollution.

This area is where famous or rich people commonly reside, so it's what you indirectly asked for.

"I don't get why you're surprised, Y/n. Her last name literally is a few letters off from spelling 'Degenerate'. I told you she was going to ask questions like those." Your beloved doucebag friend tries to console you. You didn't know if he was even making it worse.

"Okay, I know what you said before, Cage! I wasn't actually expecting her to just- I don't know- blurt out my personal business and try to put me on the spot." You glared at him.

"Did you not watch when Swift was-"

"Let's not talk about that." You cut him off and kept walking down the street with him, trying to brush off the embarrassment and anger.

After a brief moment of silence, Johnny sighs. "Honestly, don't take what she said to heart. Coming from me, you're amazing!"

Getting a genuine compliment from the famous actor Johnny Cage was something many can't achieve.

"Coming from you, I guess that makes me feel better." You smile a bit. "Anyways, how is the set on Ninja Mime goi-"

"Are you Y/n L/n?!" Both of you hear someone scream ahead. So much for a quiet night walk...

There stood some guy who looked around your age, looking very surprised to see you. Only you, he didn't seem to acknowledge Cage.

"Oh, erm, good evening!" You offered a shy smile. Still becoming a growing celebrity, you weren't quite use to interacting with fans. Despite being on stage a few times, but it's partially different.

The fan ran to you, making you tense up in alert, but he only extended out a hand.

To you, it wasn't a big deal to give a fan a simple handshake, not until he said something unnecessarily random.

"Wow, you looked a lot slimmer in your photos."

It just didn't click until you noticed him looking you up and down which made you pretty uncomfortable.

And that comment alone made Johnny take his sunglasses off to eye the boy in a disgusted manner. Unfortunately, it didn't end there.

Retrieving your hand away and brushing it on your clothes, you let out a fake laugh before you and Johnny moved along past.

"Well, nice to meet you. I wish you a goodnight." You politely dismissed.

The fan frowned just before speeding in front of you. "Wait! Can I maybe get your phone number? Or you can follow me on my social media! I pretty much have everything you got-"

"Ohh, no thanks! Sweet of you, but I'm okay!" You smile wider, getting more uncomfortable to the point you reached for your friend's hand for comfort or perhaps help.

"But-"

"Hey, buddy, she said no! Go back to your room and jerk it!" Johnny snapped, pulling you behind him to be protective.

The fan didn't take lightly to the confrontation. "I wasn't talking to you! Your movies fucking suck!"

You grimaced, knowing that one was a strike to Johnny's ego. You butt in before it escalates further.

"If I take a picture with you, would you be happy with that?" You asked the obsessed male, patting Johnny so he moves out your way. He still kept an irritated glare on the boy.

"Sure, I'd like that. But can I still get your-"

Johnny pulls you away before the boy finishes his greedy requests. "Lesson thirty-six, you offer a fan one thing, you give them EVERYTHING."

Before you even replied, the fan tries grabbing you back which made you panic.

Letting out a yelp, Johnny was alerted and did not hesitate to punch the creep. The delivered hit caused the fan to fall on the concrete, a little red fluid leaking from his nose and covering a bit of his teeth.

"You don't ever touch her! I don't care if you're her biggest fan!" Cage scolded loudly at the fan who seemed pretty knocked out after that single hit.

You let out a relieved sigh. You didn't exactly want the fan to get hurt, but no matter now, he's going to leave you alone now.

"Come on, we'll get you back to your condo." Johnny calmly tells you, wrapping an arm around you and escorting you away.

For a douchebag, he was a pretty loveable friend. ~~~~~~~~~~~~

[wishamongtheflowers]

Sound

Kido ran her eyes on every record of several victims for the upteenth time.

"Stray dogs!? You're telling me stray dogs are killing people!"

"I'm sorry that I can't exactly identify the bite marks or the teeth. For all I know it could be a person with unique teeth."

The sheriff could only sigh. Just his luck.

"First it's everyone who is incompetent to where I have to rely on a teenager, now this!" He could only shake his his.

"I'll keep working on all this. It's still the gray faze."

He groaned wondering out of his office, "I'm going to go get a drink."

Kido just looked at all the images and reports she chose to bring.

"Excuse me, Ms. Mukai, " Kido turned around to find a man in the doorway, "can I barrow you for just a minute."

The man's badge made it obvious to her. Future Foundation employee.

"It much be important given your badge. Don't see your rank around here much."

"Yeah we usually handle in foundation matters. I hope you don't mind."

A pull. Not any other pull dragged her. Divine Luck's own desire. It wants whatever offer he has.

"If it gets me away from work for a bit I'll obliged."

"Let's discuss this in a private area."

"Of course."

Kido held some papers as she walked out of the building. This isn't luck but chance. It's her luck which wants success. She's honest with herself. She wanted to have abundance.

"He said it's cause of the Ultimate Hope disappearance cause of Junko. From the way he was talking, I've been selected given my work. This better be worth it. It'll be the last piece of the puzzle for me."

"It will be worth it. You've been blessed with luck and a second chance in this world."

She noticed her mind seeped out of reality. She kept calm, unconcerned by what was going on.

"I wouldn't call being undead as a second chance. The divine luck isn't separate from me. It's also me, just like you."

"It is true your luck and I are you but," Kido felt some warmth sliding under her clothes, "you're a horseman. Ever sense you'd been my pet, you always fought. Even now I can tell you've gotten stronger."

"Could you please stop."

"Aw, I guess you don't want to be petted." The warmth left, thankfully.

"I'm wondering why you want to talk. You haven't appeared in some time."

"You know why. Soon he'll remember you as the Siren who taught him how to swim and the angel who set humanity free. You'll finally be rejoined with one of the original blessing."

"That..."

"Your wishes aren't his. He'll open his eyes just like you, for a second time. He'll know you as his. Don't deny it. I can tell you're morality isn't black or white anymore. Your undead but you still wish his love to return."

"Your right. I just want him to be happy. We thought this was the only way. We're both wrong. We'll have to make it right."

"Good pet. Now grow stronger than even I hope for."

It was all in her head. It wasn't a surprise as anyone would gain a mental illness if they gone through what she had. Being undead of course was an obvious cause of her warped mind. With her awareness of her illness she found a comfort in her delusional state. To have someone just there even if they're just an illusion ment a lot.

Kido didn't see a figure around so she can assume her delusional state has lessed to normalcy. A click echoed through her sanctuary's still veins. The last part came by chance over the mouths of stillness.

"Proxy should be here in an hour or so. I'll get started setting some things up." Kido's footsteps ran ahead of her.

A part of her knew something would happen either way. All she can do is wish for the best outcome.

---------------------[Tags]-----------------------

@after-neo-world and anyone else cause idk

:3

[heinzpilsner]

Okay, another part of 'Overanalyzing beach Maiko' series here! And I want to assure you that even though it looks deceptively like 'Roasting beach Mai' series to the unaided eye, it's actually not the case. The differences are here. Somewhere. Probably.

I roast Zuko too.

Anyway, in the last part, Mai said 'hey', and Zuko said 'are you cold', and Mai slapped Zuko's hand off, so I guess this leaves their relationship status in the border area.

So, what's next?

Well, despite the fact that their interactions keep going quite actively after this, we're not gonna see any real relationship progression for quite some time.

So, I suggest to take this as another opportunity to yell at study the characters instead.

And it opens with the roasting of Ty Lee.

(The structure of the beach polylogue makes it quite difficult to build a laconic presentation of the context, so... Let's just rely on our memory this time, shall we?)

Zuko: "You're stuck in your little 'Ty Lee world' where everything's great all the time." Mai: "Zuko, leave her alone."

You know, this moment almost made me suspect that Mai cares about the other girl! It would actually make my "she can't care about anyone but herself" hypothesis wrong, which would leave only one explanation for the "bring me food" moment (That is, Mai just didn't care about Zuko in particular.)

But then, after Ty Lee got emotional and cried, and there was no defender for her among their group, Mai decided it was a good time to criticize her as well.

She had a choice between expressing her annoyance (and intelligence) and sparing Ty Lee's feelings, and she prefered the former. Emotional support of her upset friend wasn't even among the options, apparently.

So, I suspect, the "defense" of Ty Lee was hardly more than another instance of scolding Zuko for being angry.

Apparently, Mai just gets disturbed (and hence annoyed) by any display of vivid negative emotions in her close circle. And if there is one thing in life she truly cares about, it's her own emotional comfort.

Simply put, Mai needs fun and pleasure, and all this dramatic shit around only sucks her energy out.

Smart choice of a boyfriend, by the way.

Pffft.

("But she said she cares about Zuko in the end!", I can hear someone protesting. Don't worry, we'll get to it.)

Mai: "I don't believe in auras." Zuko: "Yeah, you do not believe in anything."

That's a curious accusation here.

I wouldn't be surprised if there were times in the past when Zuko tried to talk about something important for him with Mai but recieved a cynical reaction.

But there's no proof for this, obviously.

Besides, as we soon learn, Zuko is not that good at identifying true sources of his frustrations.

It's still my headcanon though.

Mai: "Oh, well, I'm sorry I can't be as high-strung and crazy as the rest of you."

But... What believing or not believing in things has to do with being high-strung?  This answer just sounds so unnatural in the context. As if Mai responds not to Zuko's words, but to writer's plan her own thoughts here.

(Quite a typical behavior for an egocentric though, when I think about it.)

Still, why would Mai want to change such a convinient topic? Cynical people who proud themselves on their intelligence love talking about how stupid it is to believe in things. It's basically that Mai 'auras' answer was about. And then suddenly this awkward shift.

It's a shame, actually. To me, it would be much more interesting to hear about Mai's beliefs than to focus on imaginary "not expressing your feelings" problem.

Also, I love how Mai just casually called Azula crazy. So much fear here, if you catch my meaning.

Zuko: "I'm sorry, too. I wish you would be high-strung and crazy for once instead of keeping all your feeling bottled up inside."

When. When Mai ever kept her feeling bottled up inside? When she's bored - she says so repeatedly. When she doesn't like something - she criticizes it right away or glares at you fiercely. When you make a scene at the party - she yells at you "for once" (even though she was bored and you put quite an exciting show here, which makes her reaction kinda contr-intuitive. How interesting of an interlocutor Ruon-Jian was, anyway?)

The fact that you can't find among the feelings she expresses something you looking for, or don't find their expression intense enough is a different question entirely.

The fact that she avoids discussing problems you want to discuss too.

For some reason, you just keep barking up the wrong tree here, Zuko. I wonder if you ever heard about different nervous activity types. Or different life views. Or different anything, really.

But this is not the main problem here, obviously.

Zuko: "She just called your aura dingy. Are you gonna take that?"

Yep, Mai's self-worth is not affected as heavily by other people's opinions as yours, Zuko. What a terrible tragedy.

Mai: "What do you want from me?"

A really good question. What do you want from Mai now, Zuko? A magical transformation into Katara a person you wish her to be? Or an explanatory note for thinking and reacting not exactly like you'd prefer?

Surprise, she doesn't owe you anything! Your frustration with Mai's personality is your own problem, and you'd better start asking yourself what you really can do about it.

Take your love life in your own hands, boy, and I didn't mean it like that, you perverts or stop terrorizing your not-quite-ex-girlfriend for not meeting your emotional needs.

(You still didn't apologize to Ty Lee, by the way. Kinda ooc of you.)

Mai: "You want a teary confession about how hard my childhood was? Well, it wasn't. I was a rich only child who got anything I wanted..."

Well, this part is definitely truth.

Mai: "...as long as I behaved and sat still, and didn't speak unless spoken to. My mother said I had to keep out of trouble. We had my dad's political career to think about."

Ahhh, this part though is much more tricky.

You see, for all we know, Mai's mother could just try and prevent Mai from throwing kitchen knives at her father's important guests or from saying that their make-up is abomination. Poor little Mai though would remember it as a terrible oppresion of her self-expression for the rest of her life.

More importantly though... Even if what Mai says here objectively took place in the past, I highly doubt what it's a good explanation for her demeanor.

I mean, Toph has quite a similar background, and... Did you see Toph?

Honestly, it looks to me more like a natural temperament kind of thing. It's just the way Mai is. Maybe environment affected her to a certain degree, but I don't think its influence was crucial.

Sometimes her emotions are more intense, especially during fights, but it doesn't mean she hides some kind of oppressed passionate girl underneath her languid mask or something.

So stop trying to dig her out, Zuko, it's getting embarrassing.

Azula: "You have a controlling mother who had certain expectations, and if you strayed from them, you were shut down. That's why you're afraid to care about anything, and why you can't express yourself". Kinda cheated with this one, didn't I

Okay... first of all.

Why. Just why on earth everyone keeps saying Mai doesn't express herself? Are you blind, people? Or maybe you're deaf?  The Mai I know is one big walking talking act of self-expression!

The real problem here is that apart from her annoyance, boredom and hunger she doesn't have much to express in the first place. Because in reality, she's no more than a hedonistic self-centred brat whose lack of proper occupations and interests in life left her on the verge of depression.

And sorry, local beach ghost of an amateur psychoanalytic who's currently possessing Azula, but most likely Mai's mother's "tyranny" has nothing to do with it. Breaking news: not everything in human psychology can be explained by mommy or daddy issues.

I'd assume here much more prosaic explanation. That is, during the last decade, Mai was mostly focused on her school life, while in her free time, knife throwing and passive entertainments were her only hobbies. So, when the school ended and nothing else started, she suddenly found herself in a vacuum she didn't know what to fill with.

And since Mai is a spoiled infantile, she's always waiting for something to happen, or for someone to give her something to do instead of asking herself that she can do to change the situation fundamentally.

And apparently, being in "love" with Zuko is her only real entertainment nowadays. That's why she hey-ed him so soon after the break-up - Mai's life's emptiness reached the 'uncomfortably painful' stage at this point, so even the emotional discomfort caused by Zuko's behavior was more preferable than this.

And I don't know much about Mai being "afraid to care about anything", but I can say a couple of things about her being incapable of caring about anyone.

Growing up as a rich only child, Mai became used to the idea that everything around is about her. She's always focused on herself and her own needs, and subconsciously expects the same attention from other people (from her romantic partner especially).

It rarely occurs to her that people around may have their own interests, and "listening to Mai's complaints and entertaining her" are not among them. When the reality reminds Mai about the fact though, she just gets annoyed by such a nuisance.

I start to suspect now that her "are you cold" question in "The Awakening" was actually not about Zuko's comfort, but about Mai playing her unusual new role of a caring girlfriend. So, when her performance didn't get the expected appreciation, she immediately got frustrated - kind of like Zuko with his seashell, actually.

(Except that Zuko after this thought about something Mai really would want and went to get some ice cream. While the boy is not exactly a paragon of personal maturity himself, on his girlfriend's background, he honestly starts to look like one.)

Even after Mai's "I care about you" declaration, when she really tried to support Zuko in "Nightmares and Daydreams", it sounded like "I might be hungry for a whole tray of fruit tarts". It would be funny if it wasn't so sad, really. She had a vague idea that she's supposed to do something when her partner is upset, but even with it, she couldn't really break the egocentrical shell around her mind and see the difference between her own desires and desires of other person.

Pheeew. I finished.

Of course, all this doesn't make Mai a monster or something. The girl is only 16, and even if she wasn't, the way her personality was formed is a result of many objective circumstances.

If we look at the situation the way Mai's psychologist could, there's no point in blaming or shaming the girl - only to help her realize the problems with her attitudes and offer alternative ways of thinking.

But I am not Mai's psychologist. And I am pissed by how the episode ignores the real problem with the character and helps to promote the old pseudo-psychological myth that just blaming your parents is enough to "understand yourself".

My dear beach ghost, Mai is already a person with infantile way of thinking! She doesn't need an extra encouragement for accusing someone else in her problems.

It's not you who have to deal with her after this, you know.

Spare poor Zuko, the boy has a lot on his plate as it is.

Annnd I guess it's as good a place to stop as any other. We'll start the next part of 'Overanalyzing beach Maiko' right from Mai's... peculiar reaction to Azula's words. Yay.

Thanks for your attention?..

Fortunately I ignore all notifications.

[thelovelymissbigbadwolf]

The Funeral of the Young Delinquent

It was already night when his funeral began, all his classmates and even some teachers were there. His classmates laughing and mocking him. Funny how they only got courage to do so now that he's dead.

If he could, he would've beaten them to the pulp by now. But Zack couldn't even blow out a candle now, he had no physical body. Only his soul to rely on.

"Must be weird to attend your own funeral, huh?" Jessie asked him, comfortably floating in her paddle.

"It's not weird, just annoying. Bunch of fakers..." Zack scowled, he sat crossing his legs.

"Oh. Someone's must be really good at crying, then!" She said with a smile as she pointed towards a girl.

"Yippee me, a bunch of crocodile tears in my fu—"

As Zack looked towards where he was pointing, his eyes widened, he shut his mouth immediately as he saw those usually lively green eyes wet with tears. As he saw her crying her heart out, falling to her knees. People were around her, but she didn't care. They weren't the ones she wanted around now.

"You can't do that, you idiot..." She sobbed, her long brown hair falling, covering her face. "Zack!" She called him, to no avail. There was nothing else he could do, but watch Aerith scream her lungs out for him to come back to her.

He felt his heart stopping for a moment. She was always so bossy around him, telling him what to do, forcing him to go to school, forcing him to do his tests no matter how bad he'd go.

All pointed that she should hate him, and yet, there she was, heartbroken at his sudden death.

"FAIR, YOU STUPID BASTARD!" The blonde with blue eyes shouted as he was being held back by his friends to no avail, as he forcefully walked into the house.

"C-Cloud, stop it! You're disturbing everyone!" Wedge said, trying to push him back.

"Yeah! Think of his mother, man!" Biggs groaned as he tried to pull the blonde back to no avail.

"Ugh, seriously? Even dead I don't have peace from you, man?!" Zack frowned at Cloud, already thinking he would end up just messing the whole thing.

"You think I fucking care?!" The blonde yelled, his gaze turned to the picture on top of the casket, the most normal picture Mrs. Fair had of Zack. "Fair! You bastard! How dare you die without giving me the rematch you're owing me?! YOU CHEATING LIAR!" He approached the picture further, trying to reach it. "YOU'RE A COWARD! Using death to escape our fight! Who am I supposed to fight now, HUH?! WHO THE HELL AM I GONNA RIVAL WITH NOW?!" His voice broke, he tried to punch the picture, stopping inches before it actually hit. "HERE YOU BASTARD! Have my punch, you asshole..." The blonde started to break into tears, of which were falling on his fist.

All the while during that scene, Zack was if anything, a bit shocked. He's known Cloud for a while and he never thought he would cry at his funeral. The guy's been a pain in his ass ever since he heard of Zack's reputation, trying to one up him and always failing, but never giving up on fighting him, nor on going after him.

"What the hell...?" Zack muttered.

"I guess you were a friend to him, huh?" Jessie commented with a cheeky smile.

"Hmpf. Yeah, right, the only thing he did was pick fights with me..."

"Dear... Some people just don't have manners anymore." Heidegger commented to Palmer.

"Tell me about it. School's already full of those delinquents, I'm glad we're one delinquent short." Palmer laughed.

Zack could feel his temper rising, how he wished to punch those two in the nose and give them a free rhinoplasty.

"I knew those assholes were low, but commemorating their student's death?" Zack scowled.

"I heard he saved some kid from being ran over." Palmer said.

"And who said he didn't push the kid in the first place?! HAHAHA!" Heidegger laughed.

"I know, right?! Oh well, maybe it'll give the school a good reputation after all—" Palmer and Heidegger's conversation was interrupted as they were grabbed by the collar of their shirts.

"You condoned that kid for his behavior, but what about how the two of you are acting right now?" The only teacher Zack ever "got along with" said. Angeal. He was the closest thing Zack ever had of a parental figure in his life. As Angeal tossed the two away, he entered the house, leaving his shoes at the entrance before heading to meet Mrs. Fair, who was frankly in a catatonic state. Unresponsive and staring into nothingness. He then crawled closer to the casket, bowing in respect of Zack.

"Zack, I gotta be honest... I was shocked when I heard you gave your life to that kid..." His voice was low and almost breaking, a stark contrast to his teacher's usually stoic and firm tone. He let out a soft sob. "Death is the end, Zack... Now... What are you gonna do?" He cried, controlling himself the best he could.

"Over here, sweetie..." As Zack looked to the side, he saw a woman and a child. The very child he had saved. He figured this woman would be his mother.

She bowed to Zack's mother before going to give Zack a prayer with her son. She looked at the little boy, who seemed no older than five.

"Say your farewell, dearie..."

The little one nodded with a innocent smile. "Thank you for saving me! You're very funny! I hope we can play soccer again sometime!" The little one smiled brightly. That was when Zack finally had the guts to look at the casket.

There he was. Pale, lifeless, laying in that casket. He felt sick to his stomach... Seeing himself dead wasn't something he thought he'd ever experienced and yet... There he was. Dead.

"Zack..." He heard his mother mutter, the woman that's been cold to him for years now, since his father left.

She was sobbing. It finally hit her. Her only son died. Zack wasn't coming back home at all. She wouldn't argue or talk to him any longer. She braced herself, ugly crying as she finally realized she had lost her little boy, her son.

After that, Zack found himself already following the little boy and his mother.

"Mommy, why was he sleeping? Was he tired?

"Oh, sweetie... He... Is travelling, you know? To a... To a wonderful, better place." Her voice broke.

"Better place? Where?"

"He's going to become an angel, you know? He'll... Spread wings and fly high. Paint the sky blue each day so when you wake up to go to school, you'll see him cheering your day up."

"Really?... And when he's back... Can we come visit him?!" The boy innocently asked, with a bright smile on his face.

The mother that was barely hanging, just nodded and hugged her son, crying as she thinks it could've been her son instead. She couldn't be more grateful and devastated for that young man.

As he took in everything he saw... Aerith's crying. Cloud's denial. Angeal's grief. His mother's devastation. This woman and his son's gratitude... He felt his chest heavy.

"Well?" Jessie called him. "What do you say? You'll take that chance?"

After a long moment, Zack looked at her, determined. "Yeah. I want to come back to life."

[ericsonclan]

Hey guys! Remember me? xD

Yeaaah, I was a little busy, school, drawing, work, life in general, but I played TWDG again with my lil' sister and got some questions, I'd like to ask you. If you still take requests, maybe you do a christmas break or something similar ^^

Sooooo, the questioooons:

-My sister and I argued a lot about that fight Clem had with Marlon. We like it, it's just a bit short in our opinion, but my sister always complains about how fast Clem can beat Marlon, like he's some pushover compared to other enemies we encounter in the game (or games in general). And in my opinion, he's got a little handicap there, being at the edge of a real breakdown, a physical breakdown too. It's not really animated, but winning a duel with shaking hands is, eh... hard xD Anyway, my question is, do you think, Marlon would be able to beat Clem in a real fight, when he's got his head in the game? He took to kicks from her straight to the guts and didn't faint immediately, for which I'm blaming the adrenaline, but it's still a little impressive, didn't expect that from him, hehe

-What do you think the Ericson Kid's favorite meals were, before they had to rely on a little bit of soup? Imagine Omar having a real kitchen in there, man....

-Welllll, who do you think would be the most motivated for Christmas? My personal guess is Louis, but also secretly Violet, because maybe she just doesn't want to show how much she really loves the affection they all give each other then...

-When you look at the Ericson Kids, which music genre pops up in your mind? For real, I got a whole part of my Drawing Music Album for each of my favorites, if I don't listen to that while drawing them, I won't ever get it right xD Drew Marlon and AJ the other day and my god, I never listend to Metal for such a long time. That's six hours straight, Sabaton, Metallica, Man 'o War, Metal Covers....

-Rather an awkward question, but my sister wanted me to ask, so here it is - You think there's anyone who doesn't like hot chocolate? Almost all of them are kids, sooo... there's not much chance, but my sister said she can't see Aasim drink hot chocolate for some reason, weird, I know xD

Alright, that's it from me for now!

Wish you all the best and happy holidays! Stay safe!

Our requests are always open and we're happy to answer more questions.

For the first question Marlon vs Clem who would win in a fight: We think that Clementine would still win. We think that Marlon would put up a pretty decent fight but since Clementine has had to experience more life or death situations and has gotten into more fights so she has the skills needed to win.

Oh man Omar with a real kitchen then the Ericson kids would really be having feasts every day.

Let's see favorite meals or food...

Clementine: She loves pancakes specifically chocolate chip pancakes. She could eat those all day every day

Louis: Those PB & J's uncrustables. Definitely not what people would think is rich people food and isn't but Louis loved to buy some and stealthily eating them in his room

AJ: Ants on a log, that snack with celery that has peanut butter and raisins on them

Violet: Chicken nuggets but that's the obvious choice given you can hear about it in the game so we're also gonna add Craft Mac and Cheese. It was one of her comfort foods growing up

Marlon: Meatloaf, specifically his mom's meatloaf. He'd claim it was the best meal in the world and he would be lying if he said he didn't miss it when he got sent to Ericson

Brody: Fruit salad it's something fresh and sweet and she liked switching the fruits ever now and again when it was made

Mitch: Burgers. He loves them especially bacon burgers. He'd punch someone in the face for a bacon burger

Willy: Applesauce he loved it before the apocalypse happened and he was dancing on the picnic tables when he learned that they could use the apples from the apple tree they had to make some for everyone. He also liked those beef sticks that you can get at the checkout at grocery stores he'd scarf those up like there's no tomorrow

Tenn: Peanut butter, banana and honey sandwiches that was his go to and he could eat them for the rest of his life

Omar: Brussel sprouts with candied bacon. His grandma had a great recipe for them and he always wishes that he could make them again some day

Sophie: Grilled cheese sandwiches. Damn she loved that food and she had suggest at one point that they make the trek out to the nearest town in hopes of finding ingredients for it

Minnie: Not a meal but she loves gummy worms and would always be snacking on them while she worked on her music

Ruby: BBQ and all the fixin's. Ribs, brisket, pulled pork she loves it all

Aasim: Lamb vindaloo it was something that he grew up on and his mom always made so it has a special place in his heart

Who's motivated the most for Christmas: Louis for sure he only keeps track of days so he knows when holidays, birthdays and anniversaries are. Ruby absolutely loves decorating and loves all that Christmas time symbolizes. Brody is in a similar vein with that and finds wintertime magical. Violet also really loves Christmas even if she couldn't do much to celebrate it growing up. She'd mainly spend the day with her grandparents and mom and had a small celebration. So she was surprised when Louis brought up the idea that they should celebrate Christmas even after the world had ended but she was glad that he did.

Okay music genres. I don't know if we have specific ones for all the Ericson kids so we might just add a few here for what we associate them with

Marlon: Classic Rock: Queen, The Who, The Doors music like that. To us he just gives those vibes

Louis: Classical music and really soft and cheesy love songs

Ruby: Country Music

Violet: Not a genre but usually quiet or somber music

This is an interesting question I'd say most of all the kids like or love hot chocolate. We agree that Aasim wouldn't be the biggest fan of it but he'd probably drink it around Ruby since she loves it.

Thanks for the ask and we hope you had a safe and fun holiday!

[s4lepacy]

the sims 4 LEPacy challege: 5 gens in

i wanted to write a bit about how i'm feeling about this challenge ^_^

i started this because even tho i've been playing sims 4 since it came out (now 10 years!), i eventually stopped following the new packs. i always got them but i never played through new features because there is just SO much. i found myself always going back to what is comfortable -- i only enjoyed the first worlds and only knew the townies from those early packs. i wanted to play through more of what the game has to offer and be able to get more familiar with the worlds, townies & features.

well! i'm still in early sims days (current gen is spa day) aka what is mostly comfortable to me. but still, i've been able to do some gameplay i hadn't tried before, and revisit things i hadn't played in about 10 years.

i know some people that play this challenge keep all the packs but just focus on a certain one each gen. i wanted to have a more challenging experience by actually disabling everything. i soon learned that there's no use forcing myself to only use the awful base game clothes &c when assets in this game look so much nicer now, and by gen 2 i already had all the kits back LOL. so i guess not as challenging as it could be. STILL, besides kits everything else is disabled and i soon learned which features from certain packs i miss the most -- clubs being a major one, can't wait for gen 6...!

i've been trying out some mods as well. it's been interesting learning which packs have like nothing going for them, not even in cc world, while others require mods & fixes. i'm gonna make another post with mods that have helped for each gen so far, for future reference.

overall i've been really enjoying this! it's funny seeing new announcements every few months and getting excited about them while knowing i won't be playing with those features for a long long time. i'm the type of player that needs to stay focused on one save. before this it was my super sim save, that i abandoned around the time growing together came out LOL but i shall return to it someday. and the one that made me go back to the sims 4 was my not so berry save, that i stopped at gen 6 but i also want to return to at some point.

i've been so locked in on this lepacy challenge to the point that i saved backups of my other saves and 'deleted' them all from my sims 4 folder, so i only have the lepacy one there. a reason for that is that all my packs are disabled so i didn't want the clutter of older saves. but yeah, i'm all in for now and i've been having fun -- glitches & all!

another thing is that being a legacy player you eventually have no idea who is living in your world(s). some people are better at this, keeping up with families around them. i haven't really done that. with neighborhood stories & mccc townies have married each other and had kids. some familiar names are still around, but more often than not my save is populated with huge families of random sims. sometimes i try to clean things up by separating newlyweds & couples, but other times i just let them be since i'm focusing on my own family.

it is good only having a couple of worlds available though. i was never that good with using mccc to import sims from my gallery, but i think i have finally managed to do that! my world is less full of randoms, and newly generated townies are all from my tray files. sometimes i take a look at what's going on and i end up doing a quick makeover of random townies when i get a bit bored. so far i've been managing well a save that is already on generation 5.

another thing is that i'm NOT a builder. i wish i could also use this challenge to try and become one, but i'm truly not interested at all in building lol. maybe one day i will (idk). i rely on the gallery as usual. luckily the base game is a lot nicer these days and you can easily find bg builds on the gallery, but i found myself scrolling a LOT when looking for different community lots.

another issue is that, well, the gallery is shit so it's basically impossible to look for builds with the only packs you have. no matter which tags you uncheck, it's either base game or ALL packs, no in-between. incredibly annoying </3 so even tho i know have an expansion, a game pack and a few stuff packs installed i still mostly look up base game builds to save myself the headache. not only that but i always like playing with builds that only have one level bc i like being able to see my entire house at once and where my sims are. and i guess a lot of sims players are american/europeans and bigger houses are more common? idk, but they sure love two or more levels. so that makes me stay even longer on the gallery, looking for the one level house that fits my style. i'm aware things would be so much easier if i would just build, but i really don't want to x_x

one thing i've been liking so far is actually relearning all the bg worlds. i've lived in all of them before, but with less distractions (and some rules) i usually go on walks & runs in neighborhoods with my sims and i've been becoming more familiar with areas of the worlds i never paid attention to before. i could never be a sims 4 geoguesser player lol but it's still cool to check out the enviroments and how nice the worlds are -- even if a lot of it is set dressing. this IS a pretty game, especially when you have lighting mods installed.

so yeah. i do appreciate how much nicer the base game is now -- especially since it is now free to play. you can have a lot of fun with the bg + mods (and cc of course). i've been enjoying this challenge and becoming obsessed with ts4 again :-)

[autumnrory]

god days like today

like. i think it's hard enough being at a friend's events when i feel like i'm not in their life enough compared to the people around me which sure to an extent that's just adulthood but i feel guilty bc i don't have an excuse other than mental illness bc like i am not too busy to keep in touch with people, i'm just BAD at it

and then like, the wedding was good bc i had my other friend there with me but the baby shower last year and the baby's birthday party today i did not and it's like awkward small talk with people i don't know or only interacted with a little at those other events like i cannot rely on my friend who is the hostess or her mom or anyone bc they have to talk to everyone so like when there's no friends there it sucks omg another reason to wish for a partner like that would be someone to bring along to any event and never suffer the awkwardness like at least it's one of those things where a lot of others are clearly feeling the same but i can't bridge that gap either

and the only other person who showed up later that i knew was my high school german teacher who i always liked and he's a taylor fan so once we got talking about how he's seeing her on tour and the album it was like so much better (though omg was he a fan when i was in high school bc WHY did we not talk about it then when i literally had no one to bond with lol some people came around to 1989 and all but literally never had friends who loved her like me anyway) BUT ya know like he asked if everything was the same since we last saw each other at the wedding, which i said yes, and quickly asked how things were at the school and like later he asked if i was taking any fun trips which it's like no i wish though like i had fun girls trips with my mom and sister but that'll probably never happen again now that my sister is married with a kid and i had a couple fun road trips with friends in college but that'll probably never happen again bc who has the time/money so like the majority of what i've ever had are family vacations which were decidedly NOT fun with my dad and his moods but like idk i COULD like trips with the right person/people and i wish i were willing/felt i had enough money to do something on my own i guess even visiting my sister across the state for a weekend this summer or something might be good. i think they asked before the wedding and it just didn't happen and it'd be fun to spend time with my niece and all but idk it still would be preferable to do something alone bc i need ME TIME i need no one i know around me at all whether i like them or not

anyway so it's embarrassing to be like yes i am still living my nepo baby life like at least with friends they'll just ask how's work or whatever bc i think it's obvious i don't wanna talk about this stuff but at the same time more and more over the years as i've become increasingly desperate it's like can someone please ask, can someone offer a kind word, can someone give me a fucking idea what the hell to do to get out of here but ya know. it's all on me i guess but i can't figure any of it out on my own so it's just. embarrassing especially being almost 30 now like skjdkjfs i can't stand talking about my life to anyone strangers or friends because i have nothing worthwhile to show for it

at least it was a short party and all and it IS lovely to see my friend being a mom and a wife and everything but just for me it's like such a long time to stand around awkwardly but i can't constantly look at my phone bc that feels rude and then except for a couple conversations that were more comfortable it's like hellish talking about myself and i'd prefer the standing around awkwardly to that anyway. wish someone would help me escape the horror that is my life

[emdotcom]

The fight to never share what I make publicly vs. the desire to make a massive comic & wanting people to see the fruits of my labors FIGHT

[spark-gem]

who are your favorite top ten black clover characters & ships (platonic or romantic)? talk about them!

Anon, I owe you my life!

I did this based on characters since I don’t particularly have ships.

Now, in a somewhat(because I am garbage at ranking things I love) particular order let us begin.

Top 10 Black Clover Character Appreciation

Fuegoleon Vermillion

Who's surprised that this man ranks #1? I'm not since I'm a biased simp. Its really funny though that the first time I watched Black Clover, I didn't have a thought about Fuegoleon to me he was just there. That is until me and my friend started to pick characters we would date if real and I choose him. Like 'yeah he seems like a nice guy' but as I got to know more about him from the franchise I started falling for his character more and ultimately he holds the position as my favorite character in this anime. Fuegoleon Vermillion is the whole package: confident yet can be vulnerable, a strong heart, attractive, socially awkward, family man, caring, and just absolutely wonderful.

Mereleona Vermillion

She was intense from Day 1 to me and she still is...and I love it. There's something truly therapeutic about watching her beat the shit out of everyone and everything. Every time she has a fight scene I stop what I'm doing to watch. She's strong and she knows it. Sometimes I forget myself the she keeps her more softer side under wraps and only lets a few people see it. I wish we could've gotten something like her training with Acier or straight up only kidnapping Noelle to train her. Also I love that no nonsense way she talks to people, its great.

Leopold Vermillion

Leo's journey is something I've enjoyed from the sidelines. Most of the time he's introduced as a sibling of the Fire Vermillions but that's not all to his identity. He's a strong and capable Magic Knight who gives it his all in battle and always looking for a way to get better. Seeing the fruits of his labor during the Heart invasion was incredible because...holy shit. Also, I don't see many people making the connection that Leo was the first Clover citizen to unknowingly tap into Mana Method back in the Volcano dungeon. He fucking did it!

Gordon Agrippa

Literally my first thought seeing him was....panda. I guess he still kinda is. I always feel bad when the Bulls accidently forget him at base or don't even know he's gone. He just want's some friends to talk too. Honey, I will sit with you and you can teach me how to make dolls and as a fellow person who burns in the sun after 5 seconds, I'll sit with you in beach episodes. He's my buddy.

Charmy Pappitson

While she is mainly provided as a comic relief character, there's no denying that Charmy is her own strength and source of positivity that I highly admire. As someone, who is trying to fix their relationship with food, Charmy is a bit of a comfort character in that she eats whatever she likes from all food groups to channel her energy into power for herself. Even when people in show make a comment about her weight, she's quick to clap back with a comment like 'admiring my beautiful curves?' or 'now there's more of me to love!'. I can't wait to see more Charmy content.

Mimosa Vermillion

In the Royal Knight's Exam, I quite enjoyed learning more about her through the character interactions with her brother (fuck you Kirsh). It was also nice to see her beginning to see her developing more offensive spells to use in battle as to not rely on her team mates for protection. She took charge of her team when they were off topic and carried her weight all the way to the Spade Arc. And she won't take crap from her brother either, she manages to throw his own critiques back at him! You go girl!

Henry Legolant

He's so cute! He's a walking bird cage lol! Also I loved the Lego reference in his name. Another boy I would like to befriend. Henry is a kind soul who will quite literally use the power of friendship to beat his enemies.

Magna Swing

Ngl Magna first drew me in by his design alone. And boy was I not disappointed. If you're currently caught up in the manga then you know what I mean. His rivalry with Luck is also something entertaining to watch in itself and when push comes to shove he's definitely the man for any job. Plus he's always looking to get stronger for himself.

Asta

Asta comes in with the gall, audacity, and determination that I am here for! While most people would be in a situation and just let things happen, Asta really does enter the room and essentially go 'why are are you so bitter? why are you such a stupid and mean person? why are you being unreasonable?' The directness is something I love and then when he shatters people's way of thinking of the world...a masterpiece.

Charlotte Roselei

I honestly haven't thought that hard about why I like Charlotte. I think it's the persona she puts up. Being seen as this independent woman leader when she really is an awkward woman who doesn't know how to ask for a date is kinda nice. Regardless I also like to see the progress of how Charlotte uses her Blue Rose magic. Especially if you consider it to be a more weakened version of her original Red Rose magic. Imagine the kind of power she can unleash without the curse.

[zuffer-weird-girl]

Soulmate AU

Before you meet your soulmate you have to deal with a chibi version of them before actually meeting them. So can he handle it?

Hawks point of view

Reader's view

He wasn't even 18... He had reached his 13 when it happened.

The hero comission never once talked to him about the said chibis, just honestly thinking that if Takami didn't interacted with anyone besides them, then he wouldn't had one. Soulmates were too distracting, and it could potentially bring a failure to Keigo's almost non stopping training.

Every time the winged boy would ask what were those things on their heads or shoulders they would ignore him or just tell for him to keep focusing on the training.

One day, sulking on his room with his old but inseparable Endeavour's toy, he pressed it again the chest, making the 'woosh' manifest and also to make the kid to smile a bit... only for a minute though...

He was tired and even sore from all his training... how much he wished he at least could have a friend again... someone who he could talk or even rely on excluding those guys in tuxedos who always told him what to do and where to go.

He really was a bird in a cage huh...? But he accepted that, if that meant he could be a great hero like him... then he shouldn't be complaining, right?

Before tears could threaten to form on his golden eyes his feathers ruffled when he heard and sensed it something moving on his room. Shooting up from his bed and already on guard, he narrowed his eyes like a true Hawk before sending one of his sharp feathers to where the sounds of something moving were coming from.

A wounded squeak came from the spot and he slowly came to the spot to see a tiny little thing, curling up their hand on their red bloddied cheek as tears rolled down their round cheeks. They looked like it much those things he always asked about for the men so regret suddenly came to his senses.

"Oh crap!" He whispered shouted, kneeling down and curling his wings behind his back as he tried to coax them to him "I'm sorry, I didn't meant to hurt you if I knew it was something like you..." he spoke on a hushed tone, crawling them on his palm only to blush at the pout they gave it to him "I said I'm sorry..." he mumbled before it squeaked at him again.

Looking at them again his amber eyes widened at seing them smiling at him and patting the tip of his nose, like it was some sort of way too tell him it was okay.

"You're bleeding..." he whispered regretfully before his wings went up at sensing someone coming. "Stay quiet." He hushed before hidding you along with his Endeavour plush before looking at the door to see one of his mentors.

"Takami. Is time for your training then dinner." The blond kid nodded before following the man hesitantly, sneaking one glance at his bedroom.

.

.

.

He almost passed his door from how fast he was flying before landing on the ground and opening the door. Bandages and snacks hidden on his shirt and arms as he nibbled on a piece of chicken.

"Hey... You're there..?" He spoke, uncharestically shy as he started to worry that his little possible friend had gone... as well...

A sudden squeak made him look at the desk the commision gave to him for study and Keigo immediatly brighten up at seing them there smilling at him.

"You're still here!" He whispered in relief before taking a seat on his desk, letting go of all the things he brought/stole from the dinner table and when they were patching him up after the training.

It squeaked at him again before hugging his hand, the first from a long time comfort he had made him smile as he introduced the bandages to help the injury himself had caused.

Thankfully it was a small little cut.. so it shouldn't be too bad.

"You eat right? I brought these things since I didn't know which one you would like, personally chicken is my favorite." He talked with a smirk before it looked at his wings flapping in glee before to his face with a worried look.

"What?" He looked over at his shoulder only to let out a chuckle "Is different! I'm not one of them so it's okay!"

It squeaked at him again before stealing a nibble from his own chicken. Making him widen his eyes before laughing and chasing the little thing while giggling.

"Give it back little thief is mine! You have a lots of food!" It squeaked at him again before he froze at hearing knocks.

"Takami? Is everything alright in there?" Came the nonchantly voice as he holded them like his life depended on it.

"Uh... yeah yeah! I'm just scretching my wings a bit!"

"Well do that in the morning." He sighed in relief as he looked at the little creature in his arms with a smile.

"We have to remain quiet, I dont know what they would do to you if they discovered this..." he spoke worriedly only to blush a bit when it kissed his cheek with the most quiet squeak, making him giggle after his inicial shock.

.

.

.

Years had passed since them. One day, with his little companion hidden on his jacket he came to discover what it exactly was when he annoyed one of the hero commision workers about it.

"Its a chibi Hawks."

"Eh?"

"A chibi is like a tiny version of your future partner. I had mine last year, so naturally when the time is right, I will find my soulmate."

His eyes widen a bit, feeling his chibi moving secretly on his neck as his whole body shivered in giddy.

"Although-" came another voice, the superior from behind him "They usually would appear when you reached 18 or 20 years Hawks... but since you dont have one, is a one less distraction and one step closer for you to be the perfect hero out there."

He furrowed his eyebrows at narrowed his eyes at the man, anger building on his chest before he manage to let out a sarcastic chuckle.

"Well, fuck my personal life right?" He laughed more while leaving the room and waving at them, only to let down his wings along with his mood before he felt two little arms cuddling on his neck and kissing it.

"Ah? Trying to comfort me now little dove?" He spoke on a more brighter tone as the chibi squeaked back at him. "Hang on tight, let's leave this place" he said it casually before spreading his wings wide and taking a flight.

The chibi was his safe place, the only thing that made him sane after all this suffocating training and what would come next his life as a secret agent, soon enough coming to interact with the league of villains itself.

Walking with hands on his pockets before ordering two yakitori and offering to his chibi with a bright smile.

"So, soon I'm going to meet your real self them? I cant wait to see their faces." He closed his eyes in joy when the chibi squeaked back at him while enjoying their meal.

His peace was cutted in half when a newbie on his agent called him to an event of numbering the heroes and all that bullshit he wasn't willing to go. But was forced too since after All might's fall, he clbecame the number 2 hero. Hawks the winged hero.

.

.

.

He couldn't help but chuckle at during the speech he made before passing the microphone to Endeavour at feeling his chibi giggling on his jacket.

He should at least had expected Endeavour grabbing him by the colar after the show he made.

"What the hell were you thinking boy?!" He only laughed it off but the chibi squeaked in fear and accidentaly fell on the ground, making both men to widen their eyes and even serve the flames of the number one hero off.

"..."

"..."

"... I can explain." Came his response as Endeavour let him down on the ground again.

.

.

.

He was worried that the chibi could fell from his jacket but lifes were in danger as the number one hero fought that Nomu.

And it didn't helped much knowing that him, Dabi, hadn't made their deal a thing, hurting people wasn't the freacking plan.

Walking with his head down, only a feather left his attention suddenly came back to reality when his chibi started to grip on his jacket and squeak loudly.

"Woah hey dove wait, I have to visit Endeavour on the hospital-" ignoring his words the chibi jumped from his pocket and ran away "h-HEY WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT KEEPING IN SECRET WE TALKED ABOUT HUH?!" he went after his chibi almost freacking out since he couldn't exactly fly until his wings grew again and his heart almost dropped when the chibi jumped from where they were.

"DOVE!" He shouted in horror before seing a flash of red passing through them, like a skilled bird, a chibi version carrying his little dove appeared to greet him as he holded dove on bridal style. Making him breath a sigh of relief.

"Would you look at that, two birds of a feather." He chuckled before his own version of chibi montioned for him to follow them before flying away.

After a few minutes they were now on a park as he followed him, smirking and even getting a bit jealous of how much his chibi was kissing his dove and how much they were loving it.

His chibi version squeaked before flying faster to, him trailing after them before stomping on his tracks at seing a much beautiful and real version of his dove. Looking around with tears threatening to spill from their eyes before gasping when seing his little version squeaking at them.

"You bird brain! How much did you wanted to-... to.." you seemed to notice the new companion that his chibi had before it squeaked, showing himself nearby.

It was like a freacking cupid had shot him... You were far more beautiful on there. The moonlight making your eyes and skin glow as he slowly took steps towards you.

"H-Hawks..." you greeted as he couldn't help but chuckle at how red you were as your chibis versions watched from their spot

"Since we're soulmates, I guess you should at least call me Keigo..." he mused with a smile, taking his visor off to take a good look at you, frowning when he saw a scar on your cheek that remembered it much of when he hurted his chibi version unintentionally.

"Keigo.." he snapped of his thought at hearing his name falling from your lips as you brushed his bangs away from him "(Y/n)." You smiled at him as he carresed your scar with his gloved thump.

"How long do you have this?" He asked, noticing how you got insecure and just tightening his hold on you since he didn't ever wanted to break apart from his soulmate again.

"Since my childhood I guess... It was out of no where." You mumbled in embarrassment but still with a smile before you felt his forehead touching yours as he smiled at you.

"I like it chickadee." You snorted before a series of giggles escaped your lips he so desperately wanted to try to kiss.

"Chickadee? Really?" You asked breathless as he let out a raspy chuckle.

"Well, you did called the little fella over there birdbrain. Guess we're mates for life..." he mused with his husky voice as the chibis prefered to watch from afar on a nearby tree.

[astro-rain]

delicate; b.barnes

chapter seven - “the king is dead”

delicate masterlist

word count: 1.7k

synopsis: shuri has awful news. the reader is terrified but bucky is strangely calm. the world is turned upside down, and not in a good way.

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

[A/N]: this was so fun to write omg get ready it’s finally getting interesting!!! (as always, OC on my wattpad @ / typicaldaze)

Months had gone by since that day at the lake. Countless therapy sessions had been endured, several hard questions asked, many many issues worked through. Bucky suffered through a few more anxiety attacks along the way, but they never hindered his resolve, thanks to (Y/N). They had made progress, good, solid progress. Bucky was pleased; (Y/N) was thrilled. It's hard to see change when you're the one going through it. However, to the person guiding that change, every step forward is recognized. She was proud. She was genuinely proud of him. He wasn’t “fixed,” he still had struggles, but he was a lot better off then before.

There was something peculiar, though. Their relationship was strictly professional, (Y/N) knew that. However, she couldn't help but feel as though along the sidelines of their progress, they had grown to become friends. She knew that, clinically, this was not appropriate, but there were no corporate guidelines she was working under. She was helping him. So, what would it matter if after all this was over, they were friends? What would it matter if his therapist also operated as his friend? Hell, she didn't even have an official therapist position here! Sharon just sent her to help. (Y/N) had decided she didn't care about the boundaries being crossed. Nothing ever went wrong with someone gaining a friend. It's fine.

Regardless, the two of them had thoroughly addressed the anxiety and the PTSD, and he now officially had both diagnoses. He understood himself and his brain so much better, and with (Y/N)'s help, he not only acknowledged his disorders, but accepted them. She taught him to not see them as the enemy, not something that was wrong with him. They were just a part of him, same as his brown hair or blue eyes.

Bucky was so much more open now. He was less on edge and more comfortable, especially around her. In all honesty, he was usually his most comfortable with her. He had coping skills and everything!

This was all grand and good, but (Y/N) hoped with everything in her that it wouldn't be ruined by the present disaster.

-

"I thought he was automatically supposed to be king?" (Y/N) asked, confused.

She was at her weekly meeting with Shuri for Bucky's treatment plan, and the young genius had just told her she couldn't make it next week due to T'Challa's coronation.

"He is," Shuri started, "but it's Wakandan tradition to open the position up to a dual. So, his rule isn't set in stone."

"Oh... What if someone... challenges him?"

"Then they will fight! However, I have no worries. T'Challa is a great warrior, and though I doubt anyone would challenge him, he would win if they did."

(Y/N) admired the faith Shuri had in her brother. She could tell their bond was strong.

"Couldn't you technically challenge him?"

Shuri revealed a kind of devilish smirk that only a sibling can muster. "Oh, I have thought about it. But I am much more useful in my lab, and T'Challa wouldn't know what to do with himself if he wasn't in charge."

(Y/N) looked back on the memory anxiously as she stared in horror at the look on Shuri's face. A wicked mix of fear, grief, and stress drained all the color from the princess' normally dark, beautiful skin. Shuri had always radiated confidence and composure; seeing this change worried (Y/N) deeply.

"The King is dead."

Her face became void of any expression and all she could process was fear. She thought she gasped but she couldn't remember breathing out again. Her brain was frozen. (Y/N) was in a foreign country that just lost its monarch. She was alone, and all the people she was relying on to protect her just had their kingdom invaded and taken over by someone with the word kill as part of their nickname. She was almost certain that this would be her end.

"Dr. (Y/L/N)?" Shuri said unsteadily. "Did you hear me?"

"Y-Yes I... What are we going to do?" her voice was weak and small. Pathetic and afraid.

Then, thoughts of Bucky crossed her mind. What would happen to him? He could fight, she supposed, but he doesn't have any weapons or gear and he'd be against an entire regime. What if they killed him? What if they tortured him? Different scenarios quickly flashed through her brain, but she could only one concrete thought.

I have to find him.

"My family and I have a plan, but we can't take you with us."

Any remaining semblance of hope dissipated from (Y/N)'s body, and she swore she could feel her veins quiver with apprehension.

"What?"

Her voice felt far away.

"It is not ideal, and I'd never leave you unless I had to. But Agent Everett Ross is here. It's a long story, but as you know, he can't find out about Sergeant Barnes. He can't know that either of you are here. If we take you with us, it could compromise everything we've been working for," the nervous princess explained.

"So... what of me and Bucky?"

"Again, it's a long story, but there's a... sort of fallout shelter - I guess you could call it - that was built years and years ago when the first tribes of Wakanda were constantly at war with one another. I will give you supplies and directions, and you two must go there and remain hidden until this is all over."

Fantastic. (Y/N) would get to play Cold War nuclear fallout in Wakanda.

"How will we know?"

Shuri gave her a somber look. A look of uncertainty and immense guilt.

"I wish I could apologize enough, my partner, but I do not know. I promise I will try to contact you as soon as I get any information, but for now we must hurry. We do not have much time."

With that, Shuri took (Y/N)'s arm and quickly led her her outside. It was late afternoon and the air was beginning to cool. They ran, locked together, until they met the Queen under a large tree among the outskirts of a nearby forest. The woman looked just as shaken up as Shuri.

(Y/N) could see bags of different shapes and sizes at the base of the tree. She could only hope whatever was in there was sufficient for survival.

Shuri immediately embraced her mother, but the moment was short lived as she then bent down to gather the bags.

The Queen placed her hands gently on the sides of the psychologist’s face. "I am so sorry, child. This does not involve you in the slightest yet you are swept up in the middle of it."

Shuri handed her mother the bags and they both geared (Y/N) up with all her supplies. It was heavy. Really heavy. She realized she was carrying supplies for two. Then, there was panic.

"What about Bucky?"

"Barnes doesn't know about any of this yet. I thought it best he heard it from you," Shuri expained, "and we cannot afford anymore delays. Us or you. You must go now, tell Barnes what is happening and go. I wish I could be more help, but we simply don't have the time."

(Y/N) nodded, trying to process all the chaos. She was internalizing every bit of it. As a result, she was once again, frozen.

"Dr. (Y/L/N)!" Shrui exclaimed.

Her head shot up, snapped out of it.

"Go! You must go!"

And with that, (Y/N) took off. She had been in Wakanda long enough to know her way around the castle's surrounding land. Her speed didn't last very long as she was carrying for two, but she tried all she could to keep going as quickly as possible.

Eventually she found herself outside of Bucky's living quarters. She didn't know what to do, so she knocked.

An array of different emotions went through Bucky's face. At first he looked pleased, but then he saw the horror etched into (Y/N)'s features, and the bags she was carrying. He could tell something was wrong.

"What happened?" he asked, surprisingly calm, while immediately taking some of the bags from (Y/N). He still only had one arm but that really didn't seem to matter to him.

She was out of breath, face flushed and eyes wide.

"The King is dead," she said breathlessly. "Someone... someone killed him a-and took over."

Bucky didn't look as scared as (Y/N) felt. In fact, he looked... totally fine?  She was so out of it she wanted to curl up in a hole and allow natural death. How was the anxious man she was accustomed to so at ease? The world was flipped upside down and (Y/N) had no control. She wished there was a word stronger than fear because she couldn't even describe what she was feeling.

"Okay," Bucky said, gently taking another bag, leaving her with only one to carry, "What did Shuri say? What do we have to do?"

She shook her head, trying to regain her breath and her composure. "There's um - there's a fallout shelter thing we have to go to. Here."

She handed  him a crumpled up piece of paper that Shuri gave her. A map with directions. (Y/N) knew he would've been better at locating it than she could at that moment.

"Alright," more of the calm voice filled her ears. "Anything else?"

"There are more details, but - we don't have time," she sighed, restlessly. Her voice began to shake ever so slightly. "Bucky, I'm so sorry. We have to go now. I promise I'll tell you everything."

"Okay," he said again. He bent down slightly, looking her directly in the eyes. " (Y/N), we're fine, okay? We're good, and we're gonna be fine. I will get us there. Are you ready?"

She nodded, steeling herself.

Bucky looked at the map, then glanced up in the direction of the shelter. He took (Y/N)’s forearm firmly. She gave him a look, confirming she was ready. And off they went.

[timextoxhajima]

happy 13/09

no this is not a fic

dear jaehyun,

thought long and hard if i should even write this because it's been a long while since i have. the last person i wrote a proper letter to was seonghwa - not even juyeon - so i guess, thanks for ruining where my loyalties stand.

i wrote the most number of letters for nct's jaehyun back in 2017 and 2018 because that was when i struggled the most. must be cute to have that name repeated again and again in my head and in my dms and asks, even after i stopped stanning jung jaehyun.

the way you made yourself so prominent on my blog and in my works was so subtle, so quiet, so gradual. i'm not really sure how it happened, because it wasn't like i didn't write fics for you. i wrote best friend's brother before hostis and nobody said anything about that UNTIL hostis came out.

hostis was tth's game changer. it blasted this blog onto deobiblr and because of that, readers naturally assumed you were my bias, which i just vehemently denied because - you weren't! (you still kinda aren't but like who's gonna believe me, right?)

but i got used to people teasing me with you. though it's cliche and it's not real in the sense that you're never gonna know i exist, you're never gonna read something i wrote for you and you're never gonna know how much you've actually helped me through all my shitty nights and all the times i doubted myself. as a writer, as a dancer, as a person who wishes nothing but love life as the way it was given to me.

(my god i am tearing up LOL WTF I HAVEN'T CRIED IN AWHILE?? IDDONT' CRY??)

i hadn't really noticed how similar our characters were until people started bombarding my asks and my dms with information about you. how you seemed like a tsundere, how you don't cry often, how you're one of the reliable hyungs of the group and how you're kind of an all-rounder too.

took me awhile to buy that list of similarities - because that's pretty much me in real life - or if you can tell just through online interactions, i think i'm pretty similar to that.

mbti's kind of a lame gig these days but i still buy it, and provided your personality hasn't changed, it's just 1 letter different from mine. and if you functioned similarly to me, then i hope you know it's okay to tell someone your worries and your fears. i hope you know it's okay to cry or tell someone you're stressed and that you need a break.

i hope you know it's okay that you don't have to be the one people rely on all the time. i know how that feels.

(WELL IM CRYING NOW THANKS LEE HYUNJAE)

i read a couple of sources here and there about you in detail. how you'd take care of your members in private, how you'd try to make things lighter by making jokes but otherwise you're on the quiet side, how you'd comfort them when they're crying, how your love language is acts of service (LMAO)

ok it's starting to sound dumb and stupid so i'm gonna cut it short now.

because of you, people found my blog and my writing and see me as an inspiration, and for the longest fucking time, i've always seen people like you as my inspiration. i still do.

hardwork is everything. resilience and persistence is what gets you through the day.

you've been the one that people send me pics of in my shitty nights the last 2-3 months, so i've been wired to associate you with comfort, happiness and strength. not by personal preference but like, thanks i guess /insert roll eye emoji/

thank you for teaching me what it means to love someone i might not necessarily have a great impression of, or had no slither of emotion for. thank you for being my heart and my strength and the reason people find comfort, pain, laughter and happiness in my writings.

i hope you're married with kids 5 years from now (cause in 10 years, maybe you'd be too cool and just remain the cool uncle or something) and i hope you stay healthy and happy - because happiness looks pretty on you, lee hyunjae.

happy 25th.

[liibrii]

Chapter 2: Tattered 

Ojiro Aran x fem!reader

Series Masterpost || Ch. 1

wc: 3.2k

warnings: swearing, internalised guilt and shame, intrusive thoughts, self doubt, depression.

a/n: I don’t really have anything to say other than I’m enjoying writing for Aran so much. if you wanna be tagged in future chapters lemme know, and as always feedback is greatly appreciated! 

Aran knows people don't always mean what they say.  Even he had done it before and it destroyed a few of his relationships. Knowing that doesn't make your words hurt any less.

He tries to convince himself you didn't really mean it, still a part of him wonders if that's how you really feel. How you've always felt. For all those years he was assured of your friendship and now you've pulled the rug from under his feet. None of your words align with the image in his head. Perhaps you've never been the person he remembers. The you in his mind is just that, a memory, a perfect picture he created from bits and pieces he chose. Has he truly always seen only what he wanted to see?

Thoughts of you run through his mind as he stands on the back line. One more serve before he wraps up. Bam.

To always see good in people is what he was thought growing up and what he still tries to do to this day, even if years had thought him people aren't only their good sides. He always thought of you only at your best and failed to even get to know you properly. What kind of friend does that? You're in pain and he can't help because he has no idea where the wounds are. He has no idea where to look for them because he refused to see. 

Perhaps he is a terrible friend after all.

Bam. The ball gets caught in the net and falls. Aran watches it roll away before picking up another. He breathes deeply. It's all about focus, he reminds himself, even when his mind wants to slip he has to remain focused.

All of his teammates have left already. Home, to their partners, their families. What will he return home to? An empty apartment with take-out he'll eat on the couch. Alone. Maybe he should get a pet. But when will he have time to care for it?

Bam.

He should call home. Check on his friends. Maybe if he had checked on you more often then-

Bam.

What use is pondering over what could've been? With each serve his palm aches more, his muscles already sore from practice but he doesn't want to stop yet. One more.

“There's a difference between training hard and overdoing it, you know?“

Perhaps life is just memories of days long gone sipping into present.

When he turns to face you uneasiness rises in him. Any other time he'd be elated to see you. Now even words to greet you with escape him. You come closer, shoes softly squeaking on the gym's floor. “Doorman let me in. After a little bit of convincing.“

“Really?“

“No, I slipped past while his back was turned. How long are you planning on staying? I saw all of your teammates leave already.“

Aran turns the ball in his hands. It's becoming slippery from all the sweat. He can't bring himself to look you in the eyes. “My serves are gettin' sloppy. I need more practice.“

Bam.

You stay where you are, watching and fiddling with the strap of your bag, until you can't bear the silence anymore and speak up. “Aran, I actually wanted to talk to you. About you know... what I said.“

“T's okay. I know ya didn't mean it.“

“I did.“ Your voice eerily echoes in the otherwise empty gym. “As shitty as it is, it's how I felt.“ You're eyes stay fixed on the floor. “I'm sorry.“

Aran catches the ball he just threw in the air for another jump serve. When he looks over at you you're still intently focused on your shoelaces, gripping the strap of the bag so tight your knuckles turned white. Why are you beating yourself up so much? If you feel something, you feel it. What reason for it do you need to have? Knowing how you felt hurts, that much he can't deny. And yet he can't hold it against you.

He puts the ball on the top of your head, just like boys used to do back in high school to annoy you. “If ya really insist on apologisin' then I guess I have no other choice but to forgive ya.”

As his words sink in you shyly glance at him. “You sure?“

“'Course I am,“ smiles Aran, balancing the ball so it doesn't roll from the top of your head.

“You're not angry? At me?“

He takes the ball and starts throwing it from one hand to another. “Not really. Very surprised. A little hurt.“

“I'm sorry-“

“Yeah, yeah, I know,“ he cuts you off. “Set for me and we'll call it even.”

“Aran, my sets are in no way near the level you're used to.“

“So?“ he asks already walking over to fetch the ball cart. “Ya still remember where to stand, right?“ he teases, cackling softly when you roll your eyes and take off your bag and jacket, all while trying to hide a smile creeping on your lips.

It takes a few tries for you to remember how to make an overhand set. Aran's filled with giddy warmth when you manage to send the ball in the right position for him to spike it over the net. Perhaps all those lessons with Atsumu years ago didn't go to waste after all. Your little victory jump makes him burst into laughter and he rewards you with a high five.

It really is an echo of history.

Your skills are rusty, something that makes you apologise profusely every time you mess up, even after he reassures you he doesn't mind, and ruffles your hair.

With each set you relax more, till every smile and laugh seem sincere. Only now Aran realises how he missed this carefree side of you. Time always flies too fast when you're around and soon enough, out of breath and wiping the drops of sweat from your forehead, you call an end of this individual practice.

He hurries with showering and changing into fresh clothes, not wanting to leave you waiting for too long, especially since you have morning lessons tomorrow. He buys you a drink from the vending machine. It's not much, but staying hydrated is important, he tells you when you tease him about it.

“You know, that brought back a lot of memories,“ you say while walking to the train station, then poke his shoulder. “Thanks.“ The smile dancing over your lips makes his cheeks warm up. You glance over to the sky hiding behind a golden halo that city lights cast over the rooftops. “Do you ever miss Hyogo?“

“Sometimes.“

“I miss the stars.“ You kick a small stone from your path. “You've become quite a star too you know. With all the fans and attention I really wonder, do you get lonely?”

Your question catches him off guard. “I'm too busy to get lonely,“ he lies.

“I get lonely sometimes,“ your eyes still search for a glimmer of a distant star. “And tired. Some days I just want to sleep all day. Do you ever get the urge to do that? Skip practice and stay in bed?“

“No. If I skipped practice how will I become better?”

You purse your lips and nod. “That's why you're a professional athlete and I'm just trying to figure out why I have to separate blue and red laundry.“

“Those are two very different things.“

“Both are just some pieces of cloth. Why do I have to separate them? If they got problems with each other they should grow up and talk it out.” 

That’s not what he meant, but your slight annoyance over technicalities of doing laundry still makes him laugh.

In the coming days Aran checks his phone every chance he gets, just to see if you already wrote back. No matter what you talk about he wants to hear it; be it about your day or the delivery man being late with your order. His teammates notice and tease him about it yet he denies you're anything more than just a friend, and they exchange knowing looks when his back is turned. Even if his entire body heats up at the sole mention of your name Aran isn't ready to admit to himself, let alone others, he wants you to be more.

Not when he isn't sure if his feelings for you are being muddled by his memories.

That Tuesday you grab a dinner together that turns into a late night walk through the streets. It's not a date, Aran keeps reminding himself. It's just two friends hanging out as you've done a thousand times before. So why is his heart threatening to thump it's way out of his chest?

After that night weekly hanging out with you becomes a regular occurrence. Sometimes you go out to eat, sometimes you drag him along when you go shopping, saying he has a good eye for colour combinations. It has nothing to do with the fact he buys you ice cream every time. Some days you come to his place to play video games or watch movies. Seeing his favourite series making you laugh warms his heart.

As you become more comfortable around him your facade slowly, bit by bit, starts to crumble. He's scared to see what lies beneath yet at the same time he wishes it would break already. He can't help you if he doesn't know, can he?

Whatever is troubling you he wishes you'd trust him enough to confide in him. In the back of his mind lingers the question he's too scared too ask.

Does Kita know what's on your mind? Do you still talk to him?

You used to be close to the team. The one they relied on. The one who so lovingly tapped their fingers before each game. Do they know your eyes are puffy? Do they know every sleepless night that goes by makes the dark circles under your eyes harder to hide? Do they know his heart breaks every time he sees the tremble of your lips when you force a smile?

No matter how bad he wants to hold you, tell you it's going to be okay, the mere thought of reaching out paralyses him.

What if you don't want his help?

If you did, you would've asked already, right? Not even practice can stop him from thinking about you. His disappointment grows a little when he sees no new messages. Perhaps you don't want to talk to him after all.

He's just leaving the gym when his phone lights up and seeing it's your name makes his heart flutter. He eagerly picks up. “Hi!“

“H-hey.“ Already in the first word the strain in your voice is apparent. “Um, am I interrupting you?“

“No, of course not. I just finished with practice. What's up?“

“I-“ He hears you take a deep breath. “Um, I don't, I don't feel so good...“ Your next words are almost a whisper. “Could I come over?“

“'Course ya can come over. I'll be home in about an hour.“

By the time he arrives you're already there, standing by the entrance nervously stepping from one leg to another. You give a shy wave when he approaches. He noticed you've been acting weirdly sheepish around him and he's not used to it. You're friends. What's making you so nervous?

You trail behind him, hands tucked deep in your pockets. You don't even pull them out when taking your shoes off.

“Tea?“ he offers when you make your way towards the sofa.

“Sure,“ you nod, sitting and tightly hugging a pillow. “Sorry about that,“ you say when he joins you with two cups of tea, “I just... bad day, you know? Didn't want to be alone.“

With a smile he assures you it's no problem. You're welcome to come by whenever you want.

You tell him about college, about work. “Boss is a shit bag,“ you complain. The working hours make you late for your lessons and even professors are getting fed up with you always being late. Not to mention your classmates aren't keen on lending you notes to copy.

It's all too much, you say, work, college, the pressure of everyone's expectations. Your fellow students give you funny looks sometimes, you tell him. It's only a few years but you're still older than them, at the age where your parents are asking when you are going to settle down. Have children. Get a stable job. Well how could you when you haven't even gotten your degree yet? It all makes you feel like a failure.

And yet something tells Aran that's not why you're here. Maybe it's the nervous fumbling with the hem of your clothes. Maybe it's because you don't look at him at all. A silence falls on you as you sip your tea. Aran considers asking out right but you gather the courage before he does.

“Shin called.“  

“Ah.“ That's all he manages to say.

“He's doing good, in case you're wondering. He asked if we have any plans on visiting any time soon.“ Your eyes skim over his face. “That would be nice, don't you think?“

Aran forces a smile. “Sounds great.“ Once again your words threaten to shake the ground he stands on. All he hears is 'seeing Shin would be nice'. His grip on the cup tightens and he puts it away before he'd crack it.

“Do ya miss him?“ he asks, words coming out more choked up than he intended. He clears his throat when he leans back on the couch's backrest.

You think over his question. “I miss my best friend.“

He asks. Even if he doesn't want to know the answer, he asks. “Will you get back with him?“

“No.“ Your answer is quiet, but firm. You readjust yourself to lean on the backrest, facing him, the pillow still tightly squeezed in your grip. “Shin is a great guy just... not the right for me. Wasn't easy to accept but that's how it is.“ You fumble with the thread sticking out from the stitch. “I wasn't good for him, you know?“ you quietly continue. “He protected me since we were kids but at some point it all just... fizzled I guess. I was so used of always being by his side the thought of living without him terrified me. He was that stability I craved. For a long time I believed he would give me a goal in life, or something similar.“ You chuckle. “Try getting through seventeen-year-old-me's head that's not how relationships work. I knew we wouldn't work out. But I stayed because I was selfish and stupid... and scared. I think he knew. And it started to take a toll on him. So I left before he'd break.“ Tears start forming in your eyes. “Shin could never understand why I'm so sad without a reason... Maybe if I left sooner... well, it doesn't matter now.“

“Ya can still go back,“ hearing his own words shatters Aran's heart, “once ya feel better.“

The brief laugh you give almost sounds like a sob. “Can I?“ You forcefully wipe the tears away. “Even if I could it wouldn't be the same as I remember now. It's hard to explain but somehow, what’s in your memories is always better than reality. Know what I mean?“

He knows. Memory is the thief of future.

The lump in his throat grows larger, heavier as he watches you try to hide tears starting to run down your cheeks. He's lost, not knowing what else to do but to pull you closer, tucking your head under his chin. He hugs you and softly caresses your back. “It's alright,“ he whispers when you apologise through sobs and tears. He keeps repeating, it's alright. What else could he possibly say?

You relax in his arms and your sobs slowly turn to muffled sniffles. Aran only wishes you feel safe in his arms, your head leaning on his shoulder, your arms shyly wrapping around his middle. It's not the most comfortable position but he's to scared to readjust. He hears your hitched breathing sync with his own as he runs his hands up and down your back and, exhausted from your crying, you're soon fast asleep.

Perhaps for the first time in his life Aran's starting to really understand you. It pains him, knowing your struggles. You, who were always so full of light, you who were the pillar, tall and unyielding, one he could always lean onto. How memories managed to muddle his perception of you so much is beyond him. The only thing he can do is promise himself to never let them deceive him again. After all, who needs memories?

He messages you more frequently. Not too frequently, he doesn't want to appear nosy or pushy. Just often enough to let you know he's there for you if you need him.

You've been busier with college lately, so weekly hang outs turn to late night phone calls. Hearing your voice feels like a refreshing cool breeze on these hot summer nights.

He collapses in his bed, only half listening to your rambling on about one of the professors. He didn't catch her name.

“Aran? You still there?“

“Yeah, I'm still here. T's been a long day, t's all.“

He hears you hum and he can imagine the way you lean your head to the side. “Coach in a bad mood?“

“Not really. I'm just not feelin' my best. Couldn't sync with Aritsura's sets. But ya know, more practice 's all we need. How was your day?“ he asks, forgetting you just told him a few minutes ago.

“It was alright,“ you say instead of repeating what you already told him. “Actually, I wanted to apologise. About last time. I shouldn't have dumped all my problems on you.“

“How many times do I need to repeat it's okay. I'm here for ya.“

“Still. I'm sorry. It was a lot. I... I don't want to be a burden.“

His brows furrow. How many times does he have to repeat it? Why don't you get it? “Yer not.“ Your low chuckle makes him irritated . “I mean it. If ya ever need to talk just say, alright?“

“Yeah, yeah I will... Thank you. It's just that... I don't want to ruin this friendship too. That's all. Tell me when I become too much. Please.“

What are you talking about? “Whatever is on yer mind I promise I can handle it.“

“Can you? So you not being able to play your best has nothing to do with me dumping all my problems on you?“

Something in the way you say those words pushes the wrong button. He's only trying to be here for you, why can't you see that? “I don't care enough to let it impact me.“ Fuck. Even before the final word leaves his mouth he knows it came out wrong. “I'm sorry, fuck, y/n, I didn't mean it like that-“

“It's okay,“ you interrupt. “You're right.“

“I'm-“

“Get some sleep Aran. You have practice tomorrow. G' night.“ You end the call before he gets the chance to say goodbye.

Fuck.

Ch. 3: In the light, your name

Tags: @rosecaffelatte, @aonenthusiast