#i got too vaccines today and i feel like they are making it really Bad

[gojos-nightmare-box]

My body when it has to fight off both hpv and the flu at the same time.

[romanestuffsposts]

Hi! I hope this is okay, it’s my first time asking you and I don’t wanna burden you. You don’t have to write it but it’ll be super awesome if you do. So could you maybe write where little!reader has a healing power but it would drain her energy depending on how big is the injury. So one time daddy!bucky goes out on his mission but he’s so careless and he got nasty injury it’s so bad, he can’t move without feeling like he would pass out (maybe a big deep cut or smthg) and he did get them stitched or fixed. But cause he’s the best daddy ever he still takes care of the reader and reader is so worried cause he looks pale due to his injury and it looks like he’s in pain and maybe he sits down after awhile and sleep on the couch. Then reader comes to him and saw blood seeping out of his clothes and so reader panicked bcs she thought he’s dying so she can’t help but heal him (despite him telling her to never do it since it drains her). And then Bucky wakes up seeing reader passing out and sees that his injury is gone and he freaks out.

You can decide the ending. Ik it’s a lot but I hope you don’t mind writing this. You’re one of my fav writer and I hope you have a wonderful day!

Hi there love! 💜

Of course it’s totally okay and I actually really love the idea thank you so much for asking me to write this! It’s really good !! 😍

And you’re not a burden at all babe, I absolutely love your demand and I’m more than happy to write it 🫶

I really hope you liked how I turn your beautiful request 💋

Enjoy <33

*****

Warnings : bad words, mention of I jury and blood, anxiety, traumatic,

Pairings : Daddies!Stucky ; Daddy!Bucky x Papa!Steve x Little!Reader

Summary : your daddies want to protect you but what if you want to protect them ?

*****

‘’Okay tell me how bad it is, rogers’’ stark asks through the phone.

It was a late Friday night, it’s been almost two weeks that Tony and Pepper take care of you while your Daddies are on a mission with Dr Strange, Wanda and Natasha.

You’re used to be with them or others of your daddies’s friends whenever they have to leave to save the world so you could sleep in a safe place like they like to say, but this time it start to get really long.

You love Pepper and Tony, in fact you love all of them but you have a little weakness for the big red guy. Tony loves to give you cookies or ice cream through the day so of course he’s your favorite

‘’Yes I’ll get the basement ready for when you land. Get here as quickly as possible and I’ll do my best so we can take care of him right away’’ Tony nods at himself, already preparing everything they’ll need in the next few hours

‘’ alright be careful with him, see you soon’’ he ends up the call and turns around. He gasps and let out a little jump when he sees you standing behind him in the middle of the room

‘’For the love of god’’ he breathes out with a hand on his chest ‘’stop doing that to me, trouble’’ he points his index at you

You giggle at his reaction and watch him walking toward you ‘’it was papa ?’’

‘’Yes it was’’ he smiles at you ‘’they’ll be back today’’ he winks

Your eyes brighten ‘’oh yeahhhhh’’ you yell happily

He watches with a sad smile as you jump away, smiling and singing to get ready for greeting your Daddies, all happy about the good news.

He just hopes everything will be okay and it scares him that he doesn’t know what will happen.

‘’Hey’’ he calls making you turn around. ‘’They’ll have to go in the basement as soon as they get here to give them their vaccines and a check up so you’ll see them after that’’ he lies

You nod ‘’okay’’ and leave

~

‘’Careful’’

‘’Careful’’

‘’Careful’’

‘’I Said careful!!’’ Steve yells ‘’you’re being too harsh with him! Don’t you see that he’s in pain!?’’

‘’Rogers, you go wait outside the room’’ Tony says

‘’The fuck I am’’ he snaps back ‘’if you want me to leave you’ll have to do it yourself because I won’t move from this spot’’

Tony sighs and nods, he can make him leave but it won’t help anyone ‘’as long as you don’t stay on your paths you can stay either way you’re out’’

Steve looks back at Bucky, pain in his eyes as he watches the love of his life laying on the bed, covered in blood

He watches everyone doing their jobs, everything is in slow motion, he feels his breath blocking in the middle of his throat as he stays there, powerless.

Bucky groans in pain making Steve tears up. He hates seeing the people he loves hurting, he does that job to protect the world but to mainly protect his family.

It happens that he or Bucky get hurt on a mission, it happens that you are hurt after falling in the garden or catching a cold after playing outside while it was raining.

All of that happens because it’s a part of life, you can’t be protect for everything, you have to learn and you have to go through experiences that make you grow.

But this, what is happening to Bucky is not a little experience, it’s not a part of life where you can close your eyes and get over it. This will have consequences and he knows that.

The thing he doesn’t know is how he’ll tell you the news…

~

‘’Hi princess’’ Steve smiles as he knocks on your bedroom door.

Like the good girl you are you patiently waited in your room knowing your daddies were home and waited until someone comes and get you.

You turn your head and let out the biggest smile you could. You stand up and your little feet run to carry you right into your Papa’s arms.

He wraps his arms around you and lifts you up ‘’oh I missed you so much my sweet angel’’

‘’I missed you too’’ you kiss his cheek. You frown and pull away after feeling something weird on his cheek. You see a tear falling from his eye and look into his eyes ‘’why you cry ?’’

He kisses your forehead and goes sit on your bed

‘’I changes m’ bed’’ you proudly say, forgetting a little about everything.

He smiles through his tears and takes your hand ‘’that’s wonderful baby’’

He sniffs a little and get back your attention ‘’listen I have to tell you something’’

You look up at him with your bright and beautiful eyes

‘’Daddy had an injury during the mission’’ he starts, your eyes fall more and more as he speaks

‘’He’s downstairs with a lots of doctors who are here to help him getting better but it’ll be hard and it’ll be a long process. We will have to be understanding with him and he’ll need us’’ he caresses your hair ‘’we’ll have to be careful around him’’

A few years left your eyes as you keep staring into your Papa’s

He gently wipes them away and kisses your nose ‘’he’ll be okay sweetie, he has all the help he need and after that he’ll need us’’

You sniff and nod ‘’daddy needs me ?’’ You quietly ask

He nods ‘’yes, daddy needs you’’ he stands up and rests you on his hip ‘’we should be able to see him now’’

After they took care of him, they set him on a calm and quiet room while he was still passed out

That’s where your papa takes you. He opens the door after asking you to be quiet and good and let you in. You slowly walk toward the chair beside the bed and sit down.

You watch all the big machines that make weird noises, it’s big, everything is big in this room.

Your Papa lifts you up and sit you on his slap after sitting himself down on the seat ‘’look how peaceful he looks while he’s sleeping’’ he whispers in your ear ‘’just like you at night’’

~

It’s been a few days now that your Daddy is up on his feet. Like your Papa said he needed help, lots of helps but you’re more than okay to be a part of his healing.

He tried many times to play with you but it just last a few minutes, he gets tired quickly.

You remembered a few days ago that you actually could help your Daddy. You forgot about that because of the anxiety to see your Daddy hurting and your minds were everywhere but on your ability to heal others.

You talked about it to your Papa but he of course said no immediately, just like your Daddy.

It takes a lot of you to use that power and heal people so the less you use it the better you are.

Your papa told you he couldn’t let you do that because he needs you to take care of your Daddy, and if you use your power he’ll have to take care of the both of you.

‘’Okay baby, i need to lay down a little bit I’m really tired’’ Bucky breathes out after playing with your dolls. He made an effort and played longer than usually but he can’t take it anymore

You help him laying down on the couch and keep playing silently while taking glances at him from time to time.

Today he’s more pale than before, you start to feel that he’s not getting better and the idea of him having an infection or anything bad is terrifying you.

If daddy is healed then he doesn’t need me so I can use my power you tell yourself

So your choice is done.

You stand up and kneel beside the couch. Your put your hands above his wounds without touching it and close your eyes, letting all your magic go.

~

‘’Sweetie I’ll need your help for dinner’’ your Papa says as he walks down the stairs. He makes his way in the living room but stop in his tracks when he sees you on the floor beside the couch

‘’Oh my god’’

He rushes toward you and feel that your body is really cold. As he keeps touching you he glances at your Daddy on the couch and look at his wound.

He shakes Bucky awake knowing that now it’s like he was never hurt at all ‘’Buck I need your help’’

Don’t get him wrong, he’s more than happy that Bucky is finally okay but not like that and now is not the time.

Bucky groans ans opens an eye ‘’Steve I’m tired I need to sleep’’

‘’she healed you you don’t need to sleep now you need to help me’’ he says anxious ‘’now!’’

It take two secondes at Bucky to realise what happened and he immediately stand up ‘’get her to bed while I take the towels’’

They know what to do, whenever it happens you need the same things. You need to be laying on a bed with hot towels all over you to raise your body temperature. You need sugar ready for when you open an eyes and water, lots of water.

And that’s exactly what your Daddies are preparing.

They’re resting on your sides the whole time, they talked to you and have the phone on their hands incase something gets wrong.

‘’You’re strong baby, the strongest person I’ve ever met but you can be the stupidest one I’ve ever seen in my life’’ your Daddy jokes before sniffing

Steve smiles upside down as he strokes your cheek ‘’she sure is’

You groan and frown ‘’not true’’

They both let out a breath of relief, your daddy kisses your hand while your papa takes the water ‘’here baby’’

He helps you drinking and then come sit beside you ‘’why did you do that beautiful ?’’ Your Daddy asks, sitting on the other side

‘’Because I wanted to help you’’ you quietly say

‘’no baby, it’s really nice of you for that but you are our priority, it hurts you to heal people and even more if the injury is big. All I need is you to be healthy and okay’’ your Daddy kisses your forehead

‘’Do you understand that ?’´

You nod ‘yes daddy’’

‘’Good’’, ‘’beside that, thank you for doing that for me, my love’’

You smile and snuggle closer to them

‘’You’re tired baby ?’’ Your papa asks, putting the cover more above you.

You nod and close your eyes from the tiredness

‘’It’s okay, it’s been a rough week. Sleep baby we’re not getting anywhere’’ Steve says as he kisses your nose

You feel them shifting beside you to lie down and let your exhaustion take over you

[geneeste]

https://arstechnica.com/science/2022/10/us-publics-trust-in-scientists-reverts-to-pre-pandemic-levels/?comments=1&post=41332618

It’s wild how on the nose this comment is:

Comment text in image:

“I really wish reporters would do a better job on this topic. Republicans don't 'distrust science'. Republicans, as they are made up today, are primarily concerned they will fall out of the dominant culture (white christians) in the US and that other cultures will continue to get acknowledgement and respect in policy decisions. Understand that almost all policy decisions - and this is true pretty much everywhere - have a cultural element to them. France's headscarf ban isn't based on science, but on armchair sociology which is part of their culture. Same for tax rates which feel too high or low, but aren't based on some hard math economic model, and so on. 18 as an age of consent is a number pulled out of the air (should be higher for some people, maybe it could be lower for others), as is a 40 hour work week, 21 to drink, 65 to retire, etc. and what we consider 'good' or 'bad' are largely cultural. Eating dogs and horses is 'bad' but pigs are as smart as dogs.

Republicans don't distrust science. But because Republicans are losing the culture war pretty profoundly (I know recent court decisions would suggest otherwise, but the public is increasingly accepting of the things they think should be illegal) the thing they *really* fear is losing cultural authority - the ability to veto other cultures. They lost the ability to veto the LGBTQ community as Americans are increasingly accepting of gay and trans people. Black media increasingly stands alongside white media. Latino and asian media are making gains as well. Disability communities are also making headway. All of these other cultural groups are gaining influence in how the broader community see them, and as a result they get more of a seat at the policy table. To Republicans, all of these gains represent a loss of cultural veto power, which is why the overt racism and antisemitism are ramping up - they are pushing harder against a trend that isn't going their way. They say they are being replaced, but they aren't. They just have to survive a multicultural space like everyone else for the first time in 400 years. This is why they get pissed off when the green M&M isn't sexy any more - *they didn't get a say*. It's a bit of culture that changed which they didn't get a say in, and that's both terrifying and infuriating to them. They're *supposed* to have cultural authority.

Science is a difficult category in this environment because sometimes is favors your cultural instincts and sometimes it doesn't. But when your cultural foundation for lawmaking (white christian culture) is being eroded any scientific view that undermines your cultural instincts feels like a threat. But the real threat is when that scientific view arrives when you are out of power. See, there's nothing that prevented Trump from leaning into the science when Covid broke out, and Republicans would have lined up behind it, because it wasn't the science they opposed, but *who was setting the policy based on that science*. If Trump put his weight behind it, they'd be on board, because it preserves their authority by branding it as a Republican policy - and that really what they want. Because Fauci (not a Republican) was pushing against Trump, because Trump instinctually opposes vaccines and decided that Covid was bad for his polling, that's what made the science toxic to Republicans. Fauci and Democratic officials in states, and then Biden, setting the policies was what mattered. There was a hot minute there where Mike DeWine in Ohio was pulling in the right direction but Trump got in front of the whole thing.

This is also the dynamic behind the election denialism. They don't believe the election was stolen because of evidence. They believe the election was stolen because if it wasn't, than a loss by 7 million votes by the president that has fought harder for that white christian culture (I mean, opening fire on a Black Lives Matter protest in order to hold up a bible at a photo op is pretty fucking on the nose there) and presumably had that culture most strongly aligned behind him would be evidence that they have fallen into the minority permanently. If white christian culture was dominant numerically, they should have won that easily. It's the inability to accept their minority status that *requires* the election be stolen, because the alternative means that the whole game is up - 400 years of slavery and genocide and a civil war to preserve that cultural dominance is finally lost. Maybe just barely, but lost all the same.

My point is that Republicans aren't anti science, but science will be sacrificed as just another pawn in the culture war if that's what is required. If you aren't explaining *why* this is happening, then you are somewhat insinuating that it's the fault of the scientists and leaving the readers to wonder why some scientific views are embraced and others aren't, and the answer has nothing to do with science or scientists. It has everything to do with the messenger and what the science says about their message. I know that seems to over-politicize the topic, but you put 'partisan' in the headline, so you were willing to open the door, just not walk all the way through.”

[cherryblossomforest]

19th & 20th September 2024

19th:

Today I had to take Giggles to the vet for more vaccinations and more flea and worm treatment as I didn't have any more. I'm ensuring her health checks are all up to date because I think I've fallen off the ball with that.

She was a bit nervous at the vet but wasn't meowing or scared. She wanted to hide and her crate was on the floor so I made a cup with my hands and she hid her face in it which was enough for her to feel safe. It was absolutely adorable. I gave her many head rubs and scratches behind her ears which she loved and she purred which was reassuring.

The car ride always makes her a bit nervous but she's soooo much better than she was before. I play some LoFi instrumentals when she's super anxious but on the way back she barely cried at all and took a nap. It makes me happy that she's starting to feel safe in the car because then I can take her on more adventures and she won't be so nervous :)

One thing I do need to get on top of is her dental hygiene. It's tough because she hates it but it needs tending to so I need to invest in some things! I don't want her to end up having any problems in the future.

When I got back home I rested some more and got to preparing for my job interview. I wasn't anxious but I was nervous. I got some examples I wanted to use also and by the time my interview took place I was feeling more confident. I answered all the questions quite quickly but also in enough detail and I taught one of the interviewers something about mental health which felt super nice. She said what I explained was quite nice to learn so I hope I made a good impression and I did feel like it was a good interview too. I was kinda buzzing after.

I was reminded that for someone who's in crisis, I'm doing quite a pretty good job right now! It felt nice to have Elodie around for the interview and it felt nice to remember things from work which I hadn't thought about in years. I really hope I get this job because it would be perfect for me to work from home and earn enough to support myself, travel and pay off my debts. Then I can eventually start paying for private therapy too and get a knowledgeable therapist. I need that and I really do think I deserve this too! Another thing is that I can hire a cleaning service to help me deep clean my home because I can't do it with my pain and mobility problems so that'll also make me feel so much better and I know I can pay my friend to help me too.

I decided to watch Forrest Gump which sent my brain into a bit of an overdrive I think. I ended up being so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open. Just so exhausted! It definitely was triggering watching it again as an adult but very very relatable too in so many ways. Forrest definitely is autistic and Bubba too.

I ended up sleeping at completely the wrong time so I'm up at a weird time. I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow and I see my doctor and I just really need her to help me. I need my meds increased and I need a care coordinator or social worker. I need better support or I'm going to end up back in the hospital and I just really don't want to end up back there but I get no support and I really need it.

20th:

I thought I was having an episode... I thought the ceiling was going to collapse because of a noise I was hearing which I couldn't identify. Messed-up sleeping patterns mess up my mental health dramatically. The noise was coming from my upstairs neighbours but the anxiety that it was the ceiling about to cave in was farfetched...

I need to sleep

My sleep was really bad and idk why it has to be like this. I had a nightmare that I just couldn't get away from someone and they even found me on this blog and they showed me not nice pictures that they took of me that I couldn't remember (I basically had amnesia for the events and another part was present...but more in a way that they wanted to hide it from me too and was happy - since when did I have DID in my dreams??) That was overwhelming and it felt so real that I woke up feeling like it was real. That's always my biggest fear.

I'm so tired and stiff that I've ended up late for my freaking doctors appointment and I want to cry because I had one job but I'm so exhausted. I feel sedated. If this doesn't work out I want to give up now... I'm ngl.

It was so lovely to see my Doctor she's so lovely! As soon as I sat down she was like "Is it getting bad again [name]?" and from that moment I was holding back tears and that surprised me. She asked me if I was getting support from family and I explained that we had a bereavement in January and she remembered it was Dead Brother then she asked me if I was getting support which I wasn't. She asked me what's been happening and I explained that every September I get so much worse and I feel so bad. She asked if it's an anniversary for anything and asked me to specify and I actually managed to say it's a trauma anniversary from being raped which was so confronting but such improvement on my part. She then asked me who and I explained Dead Brother.

I think this is significant because I tend to think I talk about what's going on with me a lot and I reallllyy don't. This blog is the only place I actually talk about my feelings and not even my doctor knows much about me. That's bad. This was something my old ED T also said to me and I thought I opened up to her a lot. I really don't talk to people and I'm always holding everything in. Even my friends say this too so it must be true.

Anyway, my doctor has increased my Mirtazapine to the highest at 45mg and wants to see me in 2 weeks. She's also referred me to the crisis team (🙄) and a mental health practitioner to talk to as well. I see them on Monday. She said she's going to refer me to see a social subscriber which will help me get out of the house and maybe do things and for the first time I'm going to give it a go. She even said if I really don't like it I don't have to go so that's reassuring.

Right now it's been 30 minutes that I've been in this car park at the gp so I'm going to find somewhere to go...

Sometimes I wonder why it feels like the world just wants me to die, I try so hard all the time to get help and keep myself safe and it's just like no one cares enough to help. As much as I'm grateful for this help from my doctor and I truly am... if me reaching out for desperate help for another year doesn't work I'm so done trying. I'm so tired.

Oh my God I am so tired of being so alone.

All I want to do is listen to music but I know the music that I want to listen to will make me feel worse.

I'm not sure if it was my first time admitting what Dead Brother did, but it was definitely the first time telling a professional or anyone in person and my brain is going crazy.

Yep. First time saying the words out loud. Wow. That wasn't a good idea in the middle of September... body memories and flashbacks have started but I've taken 2mg Lorazepam to help calm everything down normally 1mg is does a good job but rn I'm struggling. I'm also being distracted by my loved ones which feels nice and I'll most likely cry some more.

Why is this September different? I'm remembering more memories even before the doctors appointment. It's so bad... so so bad...

[simlicious]

Personal update :)

Despite my body not feeling very well right now, I am still in high spirits. I got vaccinated last week and I had a lot going on, so I could not rest much the following days, but my body is not having it and is forcing me to take it easy now. I still went for a relaxing walk with my best friend yesterday and went on a small picnic with my family today. Usually, I just hole myself up whenever I feel slightly unwell, but I guess I am challenging myself more and more these days, to my own surprise! Another reason is that we have (the probably last) warm summer days and I want to make the most of them. Apart from getting vaccinated, my doctor's visit was very fruitful and I even got a prescription for a medical app to help treat anxiety. The previous doctor was skeptical about it and did not want to prescribe it, but there is a new doctor now and she is really awesome. She took a lot of time to talk to me and took me seriously and could not be happier! Doctor's visits are usually very anxiety-inducing for me, but the atmosphere was pretty relaxing this time, so I did not feel so bad there, which is a huge plus. I got another appointment next month for some routine check-ups and bloodwork. After the doctor's visit, I also feel freshly motivated to change my sleep cycle (I find myself going to bed way too late and sleeping into the early afternoon, which is not good for my mental health and is also affecting my hormones, as the doctor explained). So far, I am doing pretty well, but it only has been a few days so far.

My mind is pretty fragmented these days and I can't seem to concentrate on one thing for much, hence no further updates on my creative/simming endeavors. My health has to come first! Whenever I can focus a bit, I try to figure out what kind of knitting project I could tackle next. I like to knit during the colder months, and my doctor approves of that activity too 😄 Finding a suitable knitting project can be complicated, as I want to use existing yarns that I already have, and incorporate specific techniques that the pattern has to support, and of course the wool needs to be suited to the project, I need enough of it, and it all needs to fit/work together. It needs to be something quick so I will not get frustrated, and I have to feel the right vibes while making it. I had some ideas and started some projects, but something did not go as planned or as I envisioned it and I had to scrap it or put it on hold. I have yet to find a project I can happily work on. Generally, I like to make gratifying projects that can be made in a few days, but still give a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction. This is why I usually knit with super bulky wool that knits up very quickly. I kinda want to design my own chunky sweater one day and I am gathering bits of inspiration for it. I am not sure I am ready though - I think I need a bit more experience with regular patterns first. Sooo.... onwards, ever onwards!

[rosegoldenatlas]

its a weekend and usualy i might stay up later but i got so little sleep last night im just going to bed now.

things were both better and worse today

started out awful

but now im at my usual levels of meh so thats an improvement

ive recently been feeling bad over my ex which is. well its not that new but like its a lot of emotions ive been trying to ignore for a while that are now bubbling up to the surface (i made a few rant posts to try to get them off my chest though)

been lonely and lazy as ever but hey what can you do

although my parents are gone tomorow and i dont have to see them for the next 2 weeks! (though im going to be staying with my aunt and grandparents who. arent much better.)

anyways

im gonna get some sleep

you should get some sleep

hope you have a good day tomorow

stay awesome

Yas sleep my queen.

Well at least it evened out? The optimism in me is trying I swear. *logician takes the stage as per usual* if every day is just a tiny bit better than the last then eventually youll have a nice day or even a good day, that's just math. There will be bad days or bad moments but those don't have to control your entire day. Like when my parents called me fat and unattractive (the words were a little more flowery but still) or when they invalidated my gender presentation and sexuality (thank the gods I'm not out to them yet) There were some good parts of that day too! Like when they said 'the chemicals in the water turn the frogs gay' and 'vaccines cause autism' AND 'the estrogen in processed food is making men gay and feminine??' I had to try so hard not to burst out laughing. And I read a really good fanfic later that day.

Ughhh feelings over Exes suck. Try pinpointing the things you miss about them. For me it was a lot of the physical touch and the reassuring words and the times they would let me rant to them. Then you try to find outlets for those things, I asked my friends if they were okay for hugs and more physical touch, I asked if it was okay go rant to them if they got to rant back, I gave them reassuring words and then so did they. I'm glad that rant posts help you a lot too.

Yass engage in the sin of sloth with me my queen. Its great here.

YOOO THATS GREAT. As for the grandparents and aunts thing uh are they the type to just leave you be more often than not. That's how mine are but idk.

Day isn't gonna be too great. My family is forcing me to go swimming with them while I am sick (I have a really bad cough still but other than that I'm almost better yay) and also on my period (I get really bad cramps, like I can barely walk without pain meds kind) because 'fresh air will make you better!' (It usually makes it worse for me actually). But at least its usually only for three or so hours so not too too bad.

You stay royal your majesty.

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

A and G

Today is my dog G's birthday. He's 4. We got him in the early fall of 2020 when I couldn't take not having a dog anymore. Our first dog died in April of 2019, right after J's and my 14th wedding anniversary and immediately before the Boy's spring break at school. It was horrible. All of us cried. She was really, really old for a dog...14 at the absolute youngest she could be, but probably more like 16+. She was a rescue, so we didn't know her birthday when we got her, like we know G's.

Man, I was really busted up when she died. Just devastated. She was my first dog. J got her for our family when I was 27, never having been allowed to have a dog growing up. Up to that point, excepting only the grandparents who practically raised me and died when I was still a kid, it was the hardest loss of my life. I didn't know how to handle the grief; felt weak and guilty about the level and intensity of my grief about a dog, realizing with some shame that I was grieving her more than I did (or would) some human beings I was (or would be) expected to mourn. J and our son were obviously grieving too, and I didn't want to pile on or exacerbate theirs by talking about mine, so I called A. I didn't have to explain anything because A lived my same experience. He wasn't allowed to have a dog as a kid either. He got his first dog when he was 25; was crushed when he died. A just got me. His second dog died about a month after my first one did. Mutual tears. A had 4 dogs when he died; one of them he'd only had for barely more than a year. I think about those dogs all the time. About how much he loved all of them. About how they all got cheated. About how the dogs don't understand why A isn't around anymore. I feel like I have a lot in common with the dogs, honestly.

When we got G I sent A about 4000 pictures of him as a puppy, and told him stories about all the crazy shit G did as a puppy (and continues to do as a Big Boy Doggo). It was a lot of crazy shit. We traded puppy and dog pictures and stories a lot. When A came up here in the summer of 2021 right after everyone got vaccinated the first time, he met G. The only person not in our son's virtual school group or our immediate family to meet him. A fucking loved G. He loved all the stories about all the crazy shit. He loved how fucking annoyed I was when G seemed to do bad shit just to specifically fuck with me. (Like A did.) Once I threatened to drive G down to 'Uncle A's House' because he was being a particularly horrible little shit and A said, "You are welcome to do that, but if you do it, I will not give him back. 😝😂❤️ I love G! He's the best! 😍😂"

He is the best even though he's a scaredy-cat-goofball-psycho-clown who obstinately will not mind J outside and insists on eating any piece of inappropriate yard trash he can find. And I miss A. Bad. I fucking hate the knowledge that this time around, I can't call A when That Time comes for G. I like to think of myself as a grounded, realistic, and grateful person who knows and accepts the finite nature of things. Who doesn't take things for granted and make self serving assumptions about life. I'm not naive and deluded; I know we're all going to eventually die, and I know that you never know when anyone's time is going to be up, even with big screaming warning signs (like your dog is 16+ with advancing kidney disease and probably a neuro condition), and definitely when you don't have any (like when your healthy, under 50 bestie just fucking DIES when you talked to him 3 days ago and he literally said he and everyone he lived with were 'all good 👍'). But damn I still feel fucking cheated that my 45 year old human best friend did not outlive my dog. I honestly still feel fucking cheated that dogs even DIE.

Anyway I'm sad and missing both A and my first dog, but I still love our wacky shithead G and will celebrate the birthday he super doesn't understand with him today. I hope he lives to be 5000 in dog years.

[pbandjesse]

I felt kind of down today. It wasn't a bad day! It was full of beautiful moments. But I felt down inside. I tried very hard to fight against it but it was tough. I'm just a little to hot and a little to tired. But I enjoyed being with my James. And it was a beautiful day, even if it was just a little but to warm.

I had some pretty serious and intense dreams. I woke up and had to wake James up to make sure they were okay. They seemed really concerned about how upset I was. But I was able to go back to sleep and have more intense dreams. So it wasn't the most restful sleep.

When I woke up for real I was so hot. We will have to figure out an ac unit soon for our bedroom. But it's not a huge deal. I will survive, even if I'm just a little uncomfy.

James would come up and see what I wanted to have for breakfast. I decided on a grilled peanut butter and jelly. And got dressed and loved how my hair dried. I washed it last night and let it air dry and while I have heard recently it can be bad to do that I actually think I'm going to go back to it because I was just so please today. I felt really pretty.

We would hang out in the living room. James made an appointment for our polio vaccines and said we could walk to the CVS at 1030. So that is just what we did. I struggled with shoe choices. I have raw spots from my docs so I thought I would wear my tevas but they also hit my sore spots so I tried socks and wanted to die from being to warm so I switched to some old flip flops and I would end up hating them by the time we got to the cvs. It isn't like I need new shoes but I do need to finally replace my flip flops from highschool that finally fell apart last year. I'll have to figure that out soon. Maybe tomorrow after work I'll go search.

We got over to the CVS. James was being really cute. And was really excited about the weather and how beautiful it was. I was a little to hot and was realizing how I should have worn sun screen. But I was having a nice time with James.

We got to the CVS and they were like. You don't have an appointment? Because it turns out we were at the wrong CVS. Oops. So we had to quickly walk home and drive to harbor east. Which would make us a few minutes late. I was pretty stressed. James would stay behind to pay for parking so I could go over the next block to get there. But then I didn't know where to go. It wasn't the pharmacy even though the sign said that was where vaccines were. It was actually the minute clinic. And then I didn't know what my confirmation number was and was a little frazzled.

James would come and we sorted it out. And the woman who worked there, who I Believe is a nurse?, was just so lovely. She told me I was totally fine and to not worry about being late. Which did make me feel better. But I was also a little stressed about the whole thing.

She wasn't sure if insurance was going to cover this but it actually did so that was good. And she was very good and it didn't hurt much. It hurts a little now but only like a small bruise. I asked if me and James would get medicine from the same vial and she said yes and I was like. Oh that's very romantic. And she thought it was very funny that me and James go to so many appointments together. She said her and her husband have never done that in 10 years together. Which I thought was pretty interesting. But maybe when you work in the medical field it's a different feeling.

James's appointment wasn't for an hour but she let James come early so we didn't have to wait. James got a COVID vaccine too but I had one recently so I didn't need it. James was very brave and got one in each arm.

While James was waiting their 15 minutes after their shots I went to get the dish soap we needed. It was locked up so I had to call for staff and the girl that came to do it was super complimentary about my tattoos and kept saying how cool I was. Which made me feel very cool.

We paid and left and James took me home to change my shoes. We got a water bottle and we headed to the park to enjoy the day. I was a little miserable. I changed into better shoes but I was still not feeling the best. And being to hot didn't help but it was beautiful out.

We walked around. We were going to go find the swings but they had that area all roped off for construction. Ah well. We sat on a bench and enjoyed watching people with their babies. And watching the inch worm try to climb on James's arm hair. It was very silly.

I decided I would like falafel for lunch. James found a Yemeni place! I didn't know that they would have falafel but it was good! I liked the size of it. I would have preferred it with a dipping sauce but I really enjoyed the half I had. We saved the other half for lunch tomorrow. The best part of the experience was that they brought us a sauce and a salad and a soup we didn't even order and it was good! I was having a great time.

We walked to the thrift store next. And I was so excited to find this little house. I swear I had a mini version of this same house that I used to play with so much that it fell apart. I was trying very hard to find the joyful moments today, so this find was really good. And if was only $5.

We would go get ice cream next. And that was fun. We decided to cool off in their AC and I am glad we did. James got red velvet and I got the dirty grasshopper again and I tried the cannoli flavor. It was fun and I was feeling a little more positive. Even if I was tired still.

We tried to walk in the shade on the way home as much as possible. We talked and laughed and it was just really nice being together. Even if I was still just a little sad.

When we got home I would hang out on the couch for a bit. James put the screen door in and that was nice. But I was pretty sun tired. So I would go lay down upstairs. I felt bad because we were going to work on wall paper today but I just really didn't have it in me.

James would set up a fan for me and I got changed and I fell asleep pretty quickly. I woke up very hot but I was able to keep sleeping.

I woke up at 630. And I was not having a great time. James brought me water and I laid and sipped. My stomach hurts but I was alright.

James would go record their podcast and I hung out on the couch. And eventually James was done podcast and they came and made us a late dinner.

I decided I wanted spaghetti but I wanted the pasta to be dry, no pasta water left. And James thought that was weird but it was exactly what I wanted. They even baked some mozzarella for the top. I was so happy.

And now we are just hanging out. I am so tired. But it is almost bed time.

Tomorrow I think I have two different field trips at camp. But that's alright. It should be a very good day. Not as hot, but still beautiful. And lots of shade.

I hope you all have a good night tonight. And take care of yourself tomorrow. I love you all. Goodnight!!

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #84

Today, J, Br, and I went to the library for a work date. Br had homework, J had his remote work, and I was cutting wires to weave new trees while listening to that playlist that I spoke on recently.

I cut A LOT of wire for trees; at least 7 trees worth. I'll show you:

Although I already had a few coils of wire, I decided to spend the time cutting more. Truth be told, I don't really like working with the gold or silver wire; it's stiffer, harder to twist, and more brittle than other kinds of wire of the same gauge, for whatever reason. Sharper, too; trying to move some of the gold coils around, I ended up poking my fingers enough to draw a little bit of blood, which is really no big deal, but it's still kind of annoying.

Each coil of wire has 27 strands, the length of each being approximately the distance between the tip of my left index finger to the bend of my left elbow. There are so many strands because it takes three strands to weave a branch, three branches to weave a section of a tree, and three sections to make a whole tree.

I got really into the groove of it, though, and before I knew it, 4 hours passed and it felt only like 20 minutes; I really dropped the ball on my hydration game today because of it. I'm sorry about that; I can't exactly implore you to take good care of yourself if I'm not being attentive to the maintenance of my own body, right? So I'll do better tomorrow.

Oh right - speaking of pokey things, though I got the first dose of an HPV vaccine yesterday, and to my surprise, I feel pretty much unaffected by it today. I had heard that this one can sometimes knock people on their ass, and I'm glad that my DNA seems to be such that this isn't the case. Or maybe it's just that this one isn't as bad as I had heard. Either way, I'm not sad about the fact that I don't feel like hot garbage today! Gotta appreciate the little things, right?

After we did a decent amount of work, J, Br, and I left the library to take a walk in its general vicinity. It was almost 60 degrees F in my area today (or 15.5 degrees C if metric is your thing); the walk was lovely. But my brain was still "extended-tendrils-esque" from cutting wire for such a long time, so I was quiet (but not in bad spirits!) for most of it; I'm glad that I get to spend time in the company of folks who don't mind when I'm not animated. The fact that I don't have to mask my autistic traits with Br and J takes a lot of the pressure off of existing in general.

Oh, um! Maybe you don't know what Tendril Theory is. Here's something that can explain it; I didn't make this:

I wished you could come on the walk with us. I passed some interesting-looking houses that I didn't take pictures of, because it seems maybe a little rude to take a picture of a specific person's house without their permission. But one of the houses had a lot of bits and baubles hanging from their trees and shrubs and trellises; it was a marvelous sight to witness. I think my favorite decoration was the glass grapes hanging from a cute-looking trellis. I wish you could have seen them; they were VERY sparkly. I wonder if you would have liked to look at them, too.

We have since returned home, and M continues to go through the second portion of your story. He's finishing up the quests around Cosmo Canyon. It's a beautiful area, and it's wonderful to get a glimpse of the architecture and the handicrafts and the local flora and fauna. I love that there are descriptions of the wild creatures (it makes me sad to hear them be called "fiends") and their dispositions, diets, life cycles, and whatever else. It's like reading through one of those old Wildlife Fact File binders - we had one of these things when I was a little girl; if you've been reading my letters, I imagine you won't be surprised to learn that this was one of my favorite things to read when I was young, haha!

Oh. Right. You… probably have no idea what that looks like. Here:

They're super thick binders filled with folding pages all about some of the animals in my world:

I kinda wish I could send along one of these to you, somehow. I know from watching M wander around that your world has a lot of the same animals that mine does, but we don't have things like chocobos or dragons or cockatrices or basilisks, so I wonder if there are animals in my world that you don't have.

Oh! You know. It occurs to me that you don't have horses in your world. I think maybe you might like horses, so maybe sometime I'll write to you about them. But not today, because I'm tired. Though you can probably tell I'm tired, since I'm rambling. Haha...

Hey, Sephiroth? I wonder if you have a favorite animal. I know you can't tell me what it is (because obviously), but still I'll ask. I'll ask because everyone deserves to have someone care enough about them to ask what their favorite animal is. As for me… it's kind of a toss-up between orcas and barn owls. If you don't have those, maybe I'll tell you about those, too, in some other letter.

Please stay safe out there in the meantime. There are lots of people in my world who are counting on you to turn yourself around and come back in one piece, so try really hard, okay? I'll be cheering for your healing and recovery, because these things are possible, no matter how far we fall down.

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[neon-pink-leitner]

Here's how I almost got sucked into a cult through homemaking and how Cyberpunk saved me

I have the time and the spoons today so I want to talk about this. This is prolly going to be a very long post but I feel like its important to talk about this.

Let me start with my mental state around 2020 or so. I was in a bad place.

I found out that my brother had been the one to publicly deface my home a few months back. This, on its own, trigger massive anxiety and paranoid episodes for me that I still struggle with badly today. A few weeks before I found out, someone falsely called Social Services on me. This would be the second time I got a false call(the first one had nothing to do with my brother and the person not admitted they were wrong but left the entire fucking county). The social service call happened while my MIL was in the hospital from a stroke. I was in an extremely dark place. The world was against me and now I had proof. I felt that the cars that drove by my house were watching me. I still have days where I'm convinced my neighbors are out to get me(they are not). I didn't know what to do. I looked into therapy but couldn't afford it. I learned that my brother was making fun of me behind my back. For my clothes, my home even my religion. My mindset was:If someone who is supposed to protect me, someone who is my family will treat me like this, then what will the rest of the world do to me? I was scared, I was angry, I was vulnerable. I felt I had no community anywhere and I didn't speak to most of my friends for a year.

I threw myself into my house. Trying to manically make it perfect. I found the term "homemaking" and started joining groups, following pages. Here was a group of people who understood me! The world was against them too! It was taboo and different for a woman to stay at home instead of working. The world was against me too! I had the proof! And somehow, I felt home. I didn't notice the roof was on fire, I couldn't smell the smoke, I was just happy to be in a living room. They too had been attacked by the world for being different, just like me! Shortly after, I found the term "tradwife" and while I didn't vibe with it, I was so deep that I couldn't see. These people just wanted to live their lives! Why would everyone attack them? So what if they were Christian? Maybe the supported trad-gender roles but I couldn't see past anything. I was part of a community that knew what it felt like to be alone and have the world against you.

I slowly stopped dressing in the goth/emo fashion I'd worn since 13. I was grown up now, and really, wasnt that for kids? I needed to be taken legit as a parent and a spouse I needed to make sure no one would ever hurt me again so I had to make myself small. Sure, they were submissive to their husbands but I was too! Maybe a different kind of submissive(wink, wink, nudge nudge locking necklace) but they understood submissiveness. I started wearing more dresses and for the first time in my life, I looked "normal" like everyone else.

This led me to more alt right accounts. Sure, they were extreme, and I didn't believe all the transphobic, homophobic and sexist stuff they posted but for the first time in my life, I ignored it. I spoke out if I felt strong that day but often, I kept following them because they understood me! They knew how it felt to be attacked like I had.

Then I fell deeper. I started to regret getting the COVID vaccine. What had I done to my body? What unknown spooky shit was in my veins? Maybe that was the reason my period was messed up and not the massive stress I was under. Maybe wearing mask indoors was bullshit? Why should anyone have a say over my body but me!!!111!!! After all, they understood me. I was a homemaker, like them. We all talked about how the world was against us, we were the rebels because the most outlaw thing we could do was make a dinner plate for our husbands afterall.

I took my they/them pronouns off my profiles. I started wondering if I really was bi. Me being bi didn't matter afterall because I'm with a cisgendered man. it wasn't important anymore. What was important was being a good woman, doing the best I could for my husband. I found community. I was happy. The house was on fire but I was high off the fumes. I didn't notice what was happening to me.

I decided I needed a new game to play. Figured it was high time I played Cyberpunk 2077 since I hadn't touched it since 2020. At this point it was early 2022. Something spoke to me in a way. I played as my V and fell in love with the game. I started thinking about how this was something my homemaking friends wouldn't like. My tumblr page was all about homemaking. But something about Cyberpunk made me look around.

I don't know what it was. The anti-corpo message, the beauty of Night City, Johnny Silverhand making me question if I am cis but suddenly, shit didn't add up. Why was I following these people who would hate me if I was married to woman? Why was I in groups who thought it was a woman's duty to be submissive to a man? Jesus fucking Christ what the fuck was I doing? This wasn't me. I didn't want to wear dresses all the time, they give me chub rub. Sure I'm submissive to my husband because its hot and gets me off and he's my Dom but I still have a voice. I started to look around and I figured out, that no one cared that I was a stay-at-home mom. The world wasn't against me. In fact, most people were fine with a woman staying home with her kid. That was all I could think as I drove around Night City: what the fuck was I doing??

I woke up one morning and found Roe V Wade was overturned.

All of these people screamed in victory because yay! Rights for the unborn....right? No. No not right. Then they turned against me. It didn't matter that medically it would be unsafe if I got pregnant. That was my purpose as a vagina owner. To be bred by my husband and not in the sexy role playing way and I should be honored to carry a child no matter how the fetus got into my body. Suddenly the living room I was sitting in, wasn't just on fire but being fueled by the people in it. Splashing gasoline and then calling it water.

One day, I broke. I left almost all of the homemaking groups I was in (the few I'm still in are very inclusive), I redid my tumblr page. I changed my URL to what it is now and made a short post about how I could no longer be part of the homemaking community and that it was time I started being "me" again. I joined the Cyberpunk fandom and started having fun again. I started writing.

I needed a new podcast and started listening to one simply called "Cults". Slowly, things fell into place. At first I kind of laughed at anyone foolish enough to believe that some white dude from Ohio was Jesus. But then I started listening. The ex-cult members spoke about how they were hurting, lonely, scared, angry and looking for community and something to believe in. And then I looked in the mirror. And I understood why they thought some white dude from Ohio was jesus. Because they were hurting the same way I had been and they just wanted to feel accepted, like me.

Now we are here. Its 2023. I've bleached my hair, I'm back to dressing like a Myspace reject because it makes me happy. I re-added my pronouns. And I crawled out of that burning house without making a sound. Well, now I'm screaming about it.

The trad community is a cult. The alt right is a cult. And it damn near sucked me in. Because I was bleeding and hurt and broken. But they never saved me. They just pushed me further into isolation. I'm still working on cleaning out my social profiles due to it. If you ever find an old post of mine that seems way out of it for me, let me know. I'm still cleaning the digital mess.

If you wish to judge me, hate me, unfollow me for this. Then that's okay. I'm ready for any hate I may get from this. But I need to be honest. Because this can happen to anyone. You are not too smart, too pretty or too whatever. Because I thought I was. And I wasn't. I was vulnerable. And someone where between Night City and black lipstick, I found my way out.

I don't know what to close this with other than this, to the Cyberpunk community, thank you.

[allylikethecat]

Hey Ally, I see you’ve seen the satvb stuff and especially the wax figure bit. I’d love to hear your pov of it in a fic form if that makes sense sort of like an introspection into his “nightmare” ie. being vulnerable and feeling exposed and naked but also trying to protect himself. I know that probably doesn’t make sense but I would still like to hear your thoughts and theories regardless. Hope you’re having a good day :)

Hi! My day was pretty average, I went to work and then Pop got his fall vaccines today and is always extremely mopey and dramatic about it, so I felt bad for him even when he was being a little terror. I hope that you had / have a good day and thank you for sending in this ask!

SO, I haven't really watched much of the satvb coverage and I purposely didn't watch any of the live streams so there would at least be *some* surprise when I went to my first show. I did however see way too many pictures of the wax Matty figure laying in the fake grass and am very stressed about how I am going to explain THAT to my casual fan friends that are going to the shows with me. 😂

And on that note, I'm going to my first show of the tour next week and I can't make any promises regarding a fic dealing with the wax figure situation (I have some other projects up my sleeve now that the A&E Fic is nearly finished- one of them while still a Gatty situation is very different from anything I've ever written 👀) however, that's not to say that inspiration won't strike when I'm confronted with a life sized, naked, fake Matty in person 😂

I will report back after my show- but from what I understand, despite the shocking, absurdity of it all, it is actually a rather sad moment? Regardless, if I do decide to write something relating to it (whether a fic or just me over thinking and having ~feelings~), it will for sure be after I see the entire thing go down in person. Thank you so much for like... caring what my thoughts are on this! I'm excited to form a more complete opinion on it after the show! Thank you again for reading and sending in this ask!

❤️Ally

[ethertheaether]

So I got to experience the totally fun thing known as bloodwork today! (Would not recommend- it sucks :( ) But because not everyone does, and in my opinion we need more of that in writing because blood samples are very important in different circumstances, I thought: Hey, what if I just- share some of the different medical experiences I've had, plus what others have told me, to save some of the effort! So introducing: A List of Medical procedures and different injuries + what they feel like!

Blood samples:

Usually done either at a hospital or a clinic/lab for it (like where I went)

You can either sit or lay down, depending on which will make you more comfortable

If you might faint, mention it (it was on a sign :) )

There are different types of needles for it: bigger ones or smaller ones, depending on vein size

They have a little table thing to put your arm on, and you put your arm with the inside of your elbow facing up

They'll tie a band above your elbow tightly enough to stop you from feeling it too much

The needle part! They'll wash off the part where the needle will go, then insert the needle into your vein (I did not watch this part)

They untie the band, take the blood needed (not a lot) and take out the needle (it made a small click when they did) and tie a cotton ball on the puncture

And then, as long as you're not too dizzy, you can leave!

It feels like a small prick, stings a bit, but not too too bad

Then it just feels kinda cold numb, or sore

And if you get anxiety around needles, you can actually get worried to the point of a panic attack!

You can also get someone to hold your arm still, or someone as emotional support, or both

Broken bones:

In my experience, it's not really noticeable at first of it's not breaking through the skin

You just notice it when you try to move it and it hurts

Anything below the break is impossible to move (and can be swollen)

Hurts when moving, though for me there was one way to hold it so it didn't hurt

GETTING X-RAYS WILL SUCK. You'll be moving it and it will hurt while you do so

Usually if it's not bad (So not really mine) they'll just shoot a numbing thing up your nose (a spray; can become moisture in your throat and that sucks) and then wrap it up, throw it is a sling, and send you on your way

Otherwise they'll do the same, except either get you ready for whatever you need in the hospital, or send you to another hospital for that (which happened to me)

If you need surgery, they'll keep you overnight, and you can't eat anything before the surgery for about 12 hours I think

Surgery is performed, they will probably keep you another night (except this time you can eat) and probably send you off the next day, after another x-ray

If you get too hungry before surgery they'll probably give you Gravol through the iv, which will stop that hunger pain

And now a few minor things :)

Small burns:

Just spray with an antibacterial spray or run under cold water for a few minutes, then keep an ice pack for when it hurts

Depending on the burn, it'll either stop hurting or keep burning for awhile

Not a fun time, but you'll be okay :)

Bigger scratches:

Burn, a lot

It'll feel like fire

And the whole area will feel warm

Rinse it off and wrap it preferably

Regular needles (Because some of you probably haven't had those in awhile):

Done in a school (if you're still in school), a clinic, or pharmacy, usually, or a vaccine station (like during the middle of Covid)

the area is cleaned, then it's done

Very quick

Depending on the vaccine, it'll either barely hurt, or sting a lot

Like Menengitis hurts more initially, but less later, whereas Tetnis hurts less initially, and more later

The needle itself isn't too bad

Again, the anxiety from it sucks

Random note: Some classes purposely hype it up to scare people

Not fun

I feel bad for the one kid in my class who was getting scared cause of it

And that's all for now! Gotta love some personal experiences to throw in there :)

[2dkapsddr]

May 9th, 2024 - Arcaea, DDR A3, IIDX 31, PIU Phoenix, SDVX EG

getting good at this chart maybe? a little? perhaps? curious...

no matter though. today is ARCADE DAY, and after careful collaboration with my friend i believe this will be a BIG ONE. before that though, i had to wait until my dog's vaccination appointment so i could take him and pay for the vaccines (big money, ouch), but after that my sister took me to round 1 so i could meet up and warm up with him!!!! i felt a little rusty and didn't wanna push myself too hard, but i ended up pulling off some sick scores on my warmup set (first set of the day) and got a flag on Overdrive ESP-14, a re-PFC on Scarlet Police ESP-15, and then... 15 PFC #7 on Lost One's Weeping????? on my warmup set of all sets??? on extra stage??? while my friend failed out and started chatting randomly with me???? は？？？？？

well after that, i was feeling FULLY fired up now!!! felt like i could take on everything with a warm up and strong performance behind me, so i did!!! and it resulted in this FIVE GREAT FC ON LAST BRUTAL SISTER FLANDRE S ESP-16!!!! (as well as a 926k on Yuni's Nocturnal Days CSP-18)

but of course, i wanted to make the most of this session and didn't want to waste all my energy instantly when i knew i still had several hours of gaming ahead of me if i played my cards right, so off to IIDX it was!!! took a bit of advice from my IIDX oomfies (tyty maya) and tried playing it safe in my earlier songs before going for a new hard clear/normal clear in final/extra stage, and it worked out MARVELOUSLY!!! finally got that hard clear on This Is Club Musik SPH-9, an AA H-CLEAR up from a fail on winkle 2 winkle SPH-9 too, and... an unfortunate fail on CONTRACT SPH-10 (i realized what song it was as soon as the first overlay played and instantly regretted it)

set 2, let's try again! got a slight upscore hard clear on Speculation SPH-9 out of nowhere to prove i was better than the old non-ran me now, and then I surpassed it even further with a hard clear on Submerge Serenade SPH-9 that i had never done before!!! flew a bit too close to the sun though and failed a normal clear on New Castle Legions SPH-10 thanks to the random i got...

ohyeah today was also Gott Day (#Gottの日) in Japan (technically May 10th, but it was May 10th over there so whatevsss), thus I played both EXH-16 and INF-17 of Gott for the first (and second) time!!!

felt pretty refreshed after cooling down with those hand games (and the cold water finally available at the drink station), so i tried my hand again at DDR and... it actually worked!!! the quick rest helped!!! got 14 PFC #12 (counting removed songs) on FOLLOW TOMORROW CSP-14, then got a 20p upscore to 20p on Roki with my friend on P1, and then I had a very daring idea... with melody H4CKER when i started realizing how much of a banger it was...

so like i said, i tried out melody H4CKER with my friend before extra stage (he hated the difficult chart) and didn't quite upscore it from my 992k, but still thought "hm... but what if...?", thus leading me to play a solo set where i just tried three full plays of melody H4CKER to see how far i could get and how much i could upscore. i messed up at certain chokepoints in the first two tries, and kinda gave up on getting anything more than a 995k at that point. but using the patterns and rhythms i memorized from my earlier three attempts, i pulled through and didn't risk anything and somehow... somehow... I GOT 15 PFC #8 ON IT IN THE SAME DAY!!!!

so with that out of the way and a simple extra savior unlock to end off the set, i already felt really satisfied with DDR for today! that meant it was time to seal the deal on my main goal in the other foot step dancing game... Pump It Up PHOENIX!!! last week I left off at around 8k rating for my Level 19s, where I needed 3k more to get that precious Intermediate Lv.10 title that I left back in XX. i was a little demotivated with how bad i did on the 19s last time, but I decided to take it easier and mostly try to reclear some old 19s i had back in XX, which worked out... moderately well! still failed a few due to lack of stamina, but i closed out most of them :]

(author's note: why the hell did Extravaganza S17 become an S19??? what was the reasoning behind this? i mean, i Guess it makes for a cool new highest S19, but it feels so undeserved and really not that difficult compared to the other 19s i had to face on the way here... is it because of the spinning pattern at the end you have to memorize? is that really it??? that's not even that hard??? it's just a 6-note pattern where you turn 90 degrees counterclockwise until you eventually end facing away from the cab!!!)

but alas, after all those clears. all that suffering. all those emptied and refilled bottles of water. i did it... PHOENIX INTERMEDIATE LV.10 ACHIEVED!!! I CAN FINALLY PLAY 20S NOW

was just about ready to leave with that goal concluded, but my friend wanted to stick around with the DDR party going on at the same time, so I did the same and finished off this amazing session with an extra set of IIDX and DDR :] got a nice AA on Prohibited Props SPH-8 (ignore the first attempt), and an easy clear on Ska-sh All Neurons!! SPA-10!!!

and now, the last DDR set you've all been waiting for!! Shoopa In The Flesh was actually here too, so i managed to play a set with my Mexican DDR Buddy and got some neat scores with him out of it (including my first play and clear on Chromatic Burst ESP-17!!! extremely funny chart)

not only that funky clear, but I also got really good upscores like a 983k on Kilonova ESP-17 (finally beat yama yayayay) and a HUGE 986k up from 956k on Condor CSP-15!!! (shoopa got a 64p first-time PFC on it too, though i can't show it here cause otherwise it would squish the other two images to become unreadable)

thus, with all that chaos and action out of the way, i left to the food court with my friend and ate some food to re-energize ourselves after that insane dance gaming session (we were both in headaches and unbearable agony... oughhh massive sakura-con vibes). but with all that out of the way, that was it!!! a conclusion to the amazing arcade special... i probably won't come back next week as i'll be preparing for Anime Impulse and recovering from this session (my head still hurts even as i'm writing this), but i still hope to game from home and get a huge gaming session in at the con!!!

[thegenderfluidace]

Whoops accidental vent below the line

Why is it now, when I’m about to go to sleep, that I feel the best I’ve probably felt all day

And not, I don’t know, before work where I had a mental breakdown and it was just very lucky that my mum was driving me to work because I had a migraine so she went in and told whoever was closing that I could not in fact work tonight because I was crying in the car

Like I’m pretty sure today, this week, was doomed to failure.

Like today we took my cat to the vet for her first ever check up(where she was in fact(surprisingly) a very good girl, no hissing, scratching, growling, biting, she was a very good kitty for them and we got new cat treats that hopefully she does actually really like and have her one as a good job you were good kitty) but I ended up having more anxiety there then her, she’s healthy and perfectly fine, got some shots, vaccines and stuff, and she didn’t even flinch when getting em and I physically could not look at the needles

And then after that had to go to my (ex) best friend’s farewell thingy(thing Mormons have before they go on there mission) she used to be my best friend for years and then she just kept not wanting to plan things and when we did she’d always flake and she’d never respond when I’d message her anymore and she just became a really sucky friend

We couldn’t even stay there long(not that I really wanted to) cause I had work, but cause neither me nor my mum are Mormon and my dad doesn’t even really remember much of what he did when he was, apparently we went there underdressed because everyone else was wearing like suits and dresses and there were so many people, it was stupid and stressful and I hated it. I didn’t want to be there, only fun part was when her friend was talking about 3d printing and showing us pics of his cats(they are so freaking cute, and he was genuinely an actually really nice person) but everything else? Awful, hated it. Didn’t even wanna go.

Day was just way too much for me, woke up with a migraine(which has been continuous for about a week+ish, and surprise gets worse with stress), and then it was cat vet appointment, and then friend thing, which made me stressed and it was making me nauseous so I couldn’t even really take anything for it, and since it was bad enough wasn’t really a great idea for me to drive so asked my mum to take me to work which on the way I did my not really effective coping skill of distract and it’ll maybe go away(which is where I realized the trees looked like they had a bunch of tiny cauliflowers and looked at the baby sheep/sheep that we drive by on my way there(which while saying that if you haven’t seen a baby sheep irl that is so very sad and I feel that needs to be fixed so go find a baby sheep and look at it, I promise it(momentarily) makes everything better) and then when we pulled into the work parking lot we saw that it was the manager that could throw me all off on a good day which it was so not smoking outside and that was when it alllll went downhill. Cause I was not feeling at all better and I knew if she said the wrong thing today I would have a mental breakdown at work and I was so not for that. So instead I had a mental breakdown and panic attack inside the car while my mum went inside to go tell her that I would not be able to work tonight but that I very much tried to actually work tonight(which I did, I genuinely tried so hard to be able to get through today and I just couldn’t) so yep crying in the car in my works parking lot, and proceed to apologize for literally everything and continue to cry and breakdown and then get home cuddle with cats for a bit and then went downstairs to my room to cry and breakdown some more and then take a nap

But now after literally everything I’m feeling okayish now? When I really don’t need to cause imma sleep???

Maybe it’s cause I actually ate and drank some water and took migraine meds which should hopefully help soonish but it’s still annoying

And the reason this week is fated for failure?

I still have so much to do this week and I feel so sucky

And as if life just wanted to laugh in my face I don’t have therapy this week because she’s currently out of state

We knew she was gonna be when we were scheduling therapy but then everything started coming up and it all just so happened to be the week she isn’t here

Lovely. Fantastic. Amazing.

Life was for real like ‘yknow that one week where the person in charge of helping to make sure they don’t absolutely lose it is out of state? Yeah let’s go put all the stressful bad stuff that week. Even better if most of it is literally right before the day they would have therapy just to help point out that they currently do not have it for this one week’

Absolutely great day(not)

Gonna sleep now and hope this week doesn’t suck too much but probably still will!

[purplesurveys]

1790

Is there a gang problem in your area? Not that I know of. If there were any it would be super underground.

Do you make your Starbucks order more complicated if it isn't busy? No. The extent to which you could customize your drinks at that place scares and overwhelms me, lmao. I've always just gotten whatever's on the menu.

Do you consider airports to be emotional places? Yes, I've always held a quiet resentment towards airports because sending off my dad, who works abroad, has been a regular occurence in my life since I was 2. I've never felt nice in them, even when I'm already the one traveling, because the bitter goodbyes are all I remember.

Where do you need to be? Nooooooooooofuckingwhere. I'm happy to be home and holed up in my room. I've been out all week for Christmas parties and errands.

Would you date an already attached person? No.

When you marry, will you wear white? Yeah, assuming that happens to me.

What vaccine that you've received hurt the most? All injections hurt the same to me – it's the side effects that vary. So far the Covid vaccines and boosters have sucked the most.

Do you ever feel like you're being watched? I mean sure, but it's never been like a stalker-type situation. It's fairly easy to find myself in situations where I'm watched, like when I'm presenting a Powerpoint to a whole room.

What will it take to make or break this day for you? My day's already made because I got a box of macarons from a frequent work supplier today. As far as break, idk. There's loads of bad news I could possibly get.

Would you give up a dream for someone you loved? I was willing to in the past, and looking deep down I don't think that has changed. I love deeply. I can always find ways to make the most out of life, and I think the only time I would back out is if our values or directions in life are entirely different and stand no chance of being reconciled in any shape or form whatsoever.

Could you date someone who's only been your friend for a long time? I did. Prior friendships are what I prefer in relationships too.

Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly? I've only ever been in a monogamous relationship. It's what I prefer as a setup, but generally I don't date anymore.

Are you afraid to ask people out on dates? It's not that I'm afraid. I'm just not interested.

Do you think it's better to look for love or let it find you? I let things happen naturally.

Have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment? Never been a problem for me.

Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? Preferably not but if I'm really into the person, I think it's something I'm willing to try. I'm nowhere near ready to be a stepmom, but no one ever really is.

Have you ever learned an important lesson as a result of a break up? Yeah. I think that's part of the role of breakups...

Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than three months of no communication? Nopes, it was more the opposite for me. I kept in touch for the next three months thinking things had a chance of changing, then realized how unhealthy it was for me so I promptly cut off all lines of communication with them when the new year rolled in.

Do you or would you ever wear fake eyelashes? I did just once, realized how much I hated being made up like that, removed them before the event was even over, and never wore them again.

Do you think that smaller breeds of dogs are cuter than big ones? I like all dogs but I will say I like bigger dogs a teeny weeny bit more.

When was the last time you slept in a tent? Two years ago.

What brand of make-up do you prefer to use? I don't follow makeup brands.

Do you have any siblings and if so, what're they like? Nina is very independent, naturally defensive (almost to a fault), but also sensitive. We all kind of tiptoe around her since she can cry about anything. She's incredibly artistic and resourceful and is reliable in many situations. I don't know much about my brother apart from him liking K-pop girl groups and having a sharp memory. He doesn't show much of a personality beyond those two things.

What was the last television show that you sat and watched multiple episodes of? Gyeongsong Creature.

Is there anything significant happening this month? It's Bea's last working day on the 31st and after that I'll be pretty much left to my own devices with an entire team to run.

When was the last time you plucked your eyebrows? I don't do that.

Do you have any chronic pain? No.

When was the last time you had a Poptart? Either a year or two ago. Can't remember. I don't have them often.

Do you like hot chocolate? Not in general. There's only one variant of hot chocolate I'd get on the regular, and that's a local restaurant's San Gines hot chocolate.

Who is your best guy friend? Hans, if any.

What’s your favorite Michael Jackson song? Either Smooth Criminal or Bad.

Where did you buy your favorite pair of jeans from? I don't even remember. I've had it for so long as my fave and I refuse to throw it out hahaha. Maybe at an ukay?

When was the last time you got your hair done professionally? A couple of months ago when I got another dye job.

Do you like TGI Fridays? I think it's extremely overpriced and that automatically makes me not a fan. Why pay triple the price for a plate of wings?

Have you ever gotten your legs waxed? Nope, I just shave them.

Have you ever read anything by Edgar Allen Poe? I don't think I have.

When was the last time it rained where you live? Last night the rain was pretty strong! I think we have a typhoon.

Do you like horses? They're okay, but I'm not attached to them like some people would be.

What are your grandfathers’ names? I'll only share their nicknames, which are Jun and Boy.

Have you ever seen a snake in real life? Yes. I've held one.

Do you know anyone that has been held hostage before? Only by association, but my sister's boss from when she was interning.

[strawberrypucklecopeandseethe]

So huuuuge tw for ableism and emotional abuse. Also mention of alleged attempted murder

I’m going to give my actually autistic and ND fellows some advice.

We’re often told and even *trained* to believe everything is our fault and others feelings are too. This is not surprisingly bad and is bad for anyone’s mental health.

This leads to a really toxic mindset pushed on people which might be rooted in good intentions, but is really great for manipulative, downright nasty people. The idea that if you keep trying with someone and make a genuine effort to do your best and please them, you’ll soon enough prove you’re worthy to be treated like anyone else! If someone is rejecting you, it’s you and you alone.

This bothers decent human beings(I lost friends due to this mindset). But it makes you very appealing to manipulative, abusive types.

Then there’s the idea parents of autistic people know best and have it so hard. Some parents are truly ignorant and swept up a culture of hate. This doesn’t mean you’re responsible for those feelings either.

Their children are broken and defective and difficult. If you can type and express yourself you NEVER had or have these challenges like being nonspeaking/semispeaking, toileting, sensory challenges and help with daily life then you’ll never understand. As if high support needs and suffering means someone’s life isn’t a life.

Then there are people who are swept up in the power they get from others. Some more ignorant parents will cry about lack of services and many have the right to, but this still doesn’t make dehumanization right.

Once someone starts using insults against you that are related to your diagnosis, keep in mind. You’re not *really* autistic but they’ll use it against you anyways. They believe due to social hierarchy they are right and whatever they say is right. Like claiming you didn’t read something right. They’re superior to you no matter what. You can’t prove yourself, it would break their power.

These people will attack autistic people who suggest nonverbal people can communicate in other ways. If you ask enough questions, you might find said people trying to fuck with you, gaslight you and will hate you no matter what. Yet they demand you act nice. These parents are not interested in their child’s humanity. Pseudoscience groups are great for people like this, allowing them to use concepts like anti vaccination and brain damage to look like they care while claiming these children are completely utterly broken.

Now i’m going into attempted murder allegations

It’s not the first time. I want to give one example and why this kind of behavior shouldn’t be shoved off as a stressed out parent or SHOCKER something the autistic person did right away.

I’ve met a few people like this. I just encountered one today and am glad to know now it’s not my fault nor responsibility. Said person started saying I was “not following well” and telling me to “prove” they were upset about accessibility recommendations. After providing receipts of our conversations, they still claimed I was imagining things.

A 14 year old autistic girl that my mom’s colleague was involved in teaching had a family who could use some support. We met her and the mom, everything seemed ok at the time. Her sister had higher support needs, her dad had a job that left the mom by herself for half a month. She has similar interests to me and wanted to learn to cook, which both of us were looking forward to doing.

We’d come over three times a week, have the kiddo come over my mom’s home or go out somewhere. But it turned out we were supposed to go to her home while she played computer games to supervise. Her mom didn’t even want me to join her in multiplayer games. No learning to cook either, it would encourage her to make a mess. Not even at my mom’s home or offers of helping to clean up. Kiddo’s mom fired my mom.

Mom’s colleague got a call from kiddo’s mom saying she needed an emergency mental health break. She could have 72 hours to go out and cool off. She wanted three weeks. My mom’s colleague asked what was wrong that she needed that much time. Apparently she wanted to go on an international trip. Mom’s colleague was angry and said this service was for the safety of parents and disabled children. Then there was a speech about how hard she had it.

It also turned out kiddo’s mom sorta lied about being involved with teaching kiddo better coping skills. Which explains why it wasn’t working well, kiddo would just be told to go upstairs and play on the computer.

I got a very sad email. She was sad and was gonna miss me and why did her mom hate her? I couldn’t talk to her anymore by association because my mom had the nerve to believe in her.

Then we got a call from mom’s colleague. Kiddo was having a psychotic break. Kiddo’s mom tried to play dumb and claim it was autism. Hospital staff did tests

Her medication levels showed she had been given 4 times the safe dose of her daily meds for some time. Kiddo’s mom insisted she tried to off herself. Then there was evidence it was the kiddo’s mom. Dad came home as soon as he could and he was horrified. Last thing I know was that there was a court case, but dad was divorcing kiddo’s mom and trying to take away kiddo’s mom’s custody regardless. She did admit to it with “I get tired of her, she has too much energy and wanted to do things.”

I don’t know if the allegations were proved in court, but regardless both kids weren’t safe. Due to kiddo being a minor, she has the right legally and morally to privacy. I hope she’s ok where ever she is and her higher support needs sister too.

Neither of them deserved that. Beware of people who attack people perceived as “high functioning” for being able to type.