#kaiko tag

[cherryblossomforest]

19th & 20th September 2024

19th:

Today I had to take Giggles to the vet for more vaccinations and more flea and worm treatment as I didn't have any more. I'm ensuring her health checks are all up to date because I think I've fallen off the ball with that.

She was a bit nervous at the vet but wasn't meowing or scared. She wanted to hide and her crate was on the floor so I made a cup with my hands and she hid her face in it which was enough for her to feel safe. It was absolutely adorable. I gave her many head rubs and scratches behind her ears which she loved and she purred which was reassuring.

The car ride always makes her a bit nervous but she's soooo much better than she was before. I play some LoFi instrumentals when she's super anxious but on the way back she barely cried at all and took a nap. It makes me happy that she's starting to feel safe in the car because then I can take her on more adventures and she won't be so nervous :)

One thing I do need to get on top of is her dental hygiene. It's tough because she hates it but it needs tending to so I need to invest in some things! I don't want her to end up having any problems in the future.

When I got back home I rested some more and got to preparing for my job interview. I wasn't anxious but I was nervous. I got some examples I wanted to use also and by the time my interview took place I was feeling more confident. I answered all the questions quite quickly but also in enough detail and I taught one of the interviewers something about mental health which felt super nice. She said what I explained was quite nice to learn so I hope I made a good impression and I did feel like it was a good interview too. I was kinda buzzing after.

I was reminded that for someone who's in crisis, I'm doing quite a pretty good job right now! It felt nice to have Elodie around for the interview and it felt nice to remember things from work which I hadn't thought about in years. I really hope I get this job because it would be perfect for me to work from home and earn enough to support myself, travel and pay off my debts. Then I can eventually start paying for private therapy too and get a knowledgeable therapist. I need that and I really do think I deserve this too! Another thing is that I can hire a cleaning service to help me deep clean my home because I can't do it with my pain and mobility problems so that'll also make me feel so much better and I know I can pay my friend to help me too.

I decided to watch Forrest Gump which sent my brain into a bit of an overdrive I think. I ended up being so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open. Just so exhausted! It definitely was triggering watching it again as an adult but very very relatable too in so many ways. Forrest definitely is autistic and Bubba too.

I ended up sleeping at completely the wrong time so I'm up at a weird time. I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow and I see my doctor and I just really need her to help me. I need my meds increased and I need a care coordinator or social worker. I need better support or I'm going to end up back in the hospital and I just really don't want to end up back there but I get no support and I really need it.

20th:

I thought I was having an episode... I thought the ceiling was going to collapse because of a noise I was hearing which I couldn't identify. Messed-up sleeping patterns mess up my mental health dramatically. The noise was coming from my upstairs neighbours but the anxiety that it was the ceiling about to cave in was farfetched...

I need to sleep

My sleep was really bad and idk why it has to be like this. I had a nightmare that I just couldn't get away from someone and they even found me on this blog and they showed me not nice pictures that they took of me that I couldn't remember (I basically had amnesia for the events and another part was present...but more in a way that they wanted to hide it from me too and was happy - since when did I have DID in my dreams??) That was overwhelming and it felt so real that I woke up feeling like it was real. That's always my biggest fear.

I'm so tired and stiff that I've ended up late for my freaking doctors appointment and I want to cry because I had one job but I'm so exhausted. I feel sedated. If this doesn't work out I want to give up now... I'm ngl.

It was so lovely to see my Doctor she's so lovely! As soon as I sat down she was like "Is it getting bad again [name]?" and from that moment I was holding back tears and that surprised me. She asked me if I was getting support from family and I explained that we had a bereavement in January and she remembered it was Dead Brother then she asked me if I was getting support which I wasn't. She asked me what's been happening and I explained that every September I get so much worse and I feel so bad. She asked if it's an anniversary for anything and asked me to specify and I actually managed to say it's a trauma anniversary from being raped which was so confronting but such improvement on my part. She then asked me who and I explained Dead Brother.

I think this is significant because I tend to think I talk about what's going on with me a lot and I reallllyy don't. This blog is the only place I actually talk about my feelings and not even my doctor knows much about me. That's bad. This was something my old ED T also said to me and I thought I opened up to her a lot. I really don't talk to people and I'm always holding everything in. Even my friends say this too so it must be true.

Anyway, my doctor has increased my Mirtazapine to the highest at 45mg and wants to see me in 2 weeks. She's also referred me to the crisis team (🙄) and a mental health practitioner to talk to as well. I see them on Monday. She said she's going to refer me to see a social subscriber which will help me get out of the house and maybe do things and for the first time I'm going to give it a go. She even said if I really don't like it I don't have to go so that's reassuring.

Right now it's been 30 minutes that I've been in this car park at the gp so I'm going to find somewhere to go...

Sometimes I wonder why it feels like the world just wants me to die, I try so hard all the time to get help and keep myself safe and it's just like no one cares enough to help. As much as I'm grateful for this help from my doctor and I truly am... if me reaching out for desperate help for another year doesn't work I'm so done trying. I'm so tired.

Oh my God I am so tired of being so alone.

All I want to do is listen to music but I know the music that I want to listen to will make me feel worse.

I'm not sure if it was my first time admitting what Dead Brother did, but it was definitely the first time telling a professional or anyone in person and my brain is going crazy.

Yep. First time saying the words out loud. Wow. That wasn't a good idea in the middle of September... body memories and flashbacks have started but I've taken 2mg Lorazepam to help calm everything down normally 1mg is does a good job but rn I'm struggling. I'm also being distracted by my loved ones which feels nice and I'll most likely cry some more.

Why is this September different? I'm remembering more memories even before the doctors appointment. It's so bad... so so bad...

[headfullof-ideas]

I drew some VERY rough sketches of some scenes in the chapters I’ve written so far, out of context, with no dialogue, and I’m about to draw more because they were so fun. Put roughly in the order of the chapters they appear in, to the best of my memory anyways

[vocaloid-tunes]

Ice Forest | GinrinP feat. Lily & KAITO

[jazzerts]

HAPPY PRIDE!!!! featuring some of my very queer ocs......

[jacobcmccaw]

“We got this?”

“WE GOT THIS!”

they then fell off the roof

[darealsaltysam]

hey polblr & mcytblr girlos i need to ask u guys something. do u guys remember drollercaster world. do u guys remember vladimir and that whole arc where sid would act like he lived in his house and would just beat the shit out of him randomly. do u guys remember the homeless guy under the bridge and how dealereq made his whole bit selling drugs to ppl. also kaiko. i miss kaiko

[consistantlyshifting]

➡️ Previous username was megasilly ⬅️

Tags for original posts, unintuitive curated content, and OCs are listed here.

The most self-indulgent one is #nod games, which is literally just screenshots of whatever video game I’m playing currently.

Also #cr spoilers isn’t listed here since it’s mostly reblogs, but I tend to spam that tag on Thursday evenings.

Filter as desired :)

[lesbiankoby]

i think sakumo and the sannin all had a big messy 4some in the past. i dont know if it was pre or post dead wife, but i do know that it happened. weird mutt watching the worst polyamory he's ever seen deciding 2 give in to hatake nature and get absolutely blasted.

this is absolutely canon and for the record it’s my personal headcanon that sakumo’s dead wife and orochimaru were amoral besties and in fact kakashi was probably conceived in a threesome with the dead wife and orochimaru

[estellardreams]

Deltarune Brawl!

Mass attack! Twenty OCs! Let's goooo!

Attacking everyone tagged below:

@somemismatchedsocks

@emthimofnight

@6larosie9

@silvers-starrway

@ekaycheem

@einelitas

@yellowvixen

@polkychu

@zhampip

@totaleclipse573

@sonlc

Skaerial

Lunateaq

So a bit of info on how I got all of this to happen:

This was planned to be a sorta-battlefield between Seafoam and Stardust where both dark worlds collided and both individual parties from both side met and... Didn't get along. Hence fighting.

Their colors were based on the theory/idea between Additive colors and Subtractive ones. The idea goes that the main deltarune cast are composed of additive colors (Susie: Red, Kris: Blue, Ralsei: Green) and their dark forms are basically inverting those colors. It also makes them appear much brighter with heavier darks because the colors are blending together at the center.

For more info, read this.

So then I began to design everyone according to both their hypothetical role type and their Subtractive color type.

By role type, I mean that I divided everyone up into three categories with some basic rules attached:

Since the original models were all pixel art, it's hard to tell in any official designs if there's anything else besides basic features, so that's where the "slightly detailed" phrasing comes from.

I mainly based their roles on personality... Also part of a theory that the dark world forms are based on everyone's subconscious. With that in mind I chose outfits I thought everyone would like.

And as for the background... Those are custom saturated colors.

Mainly based on color theming I decided to heavily saturate the icons for seafoam and stardust and then go into a color pallette generator and lay down the core three colors.

And that's basically how I got the background set up.

For Subtractive colors, there were three categories: Magenta, Cyan, and Yellow.

Magenta typically leaned towards pink and red shades with complementary colors. Cyan had blue, purple, and green as complementary colors. And Yellow had green and orange as complementary colors.

For our Sub Cyans we have: Kaiko, Stellar, Sakura, Nymph, Rosemary, Sunshine, Mallow, Meredith, Orion, and Naomi.

For our Sub Magentas we have: Rime, Terios, Juice

And finally, for our Sub Yellows we have: Camellia, Maria, Tulip, Arthur, Keira, Estelle, and Azarael.

And that's it! Experimental color pallettes inside a mass attack of everyone fighting each other! Hope you all like it!

[specialistmj]

I got a lil bit of burnout and thought id sketch some fankids

uh yeah i have no self control

In order (idk how to tag A):

Silkie, M.A.R.C.Y, and Lapis are owned by @karma-creations

Echo and Kaiko by @somemismatchedsocks and @acrowwithapen

Helios by @altairsarts

Juice by @sonlc

Emmie by @head---ache

Spirit by @itz-pandora

Meadow by @maitroll

Maria by @6larosie9

and Saydee's mine :3

[cherryblossomforest]

Wednesday 18th September 2024

I am struggling.

It's like something flipping off in my mind and I'm not sure if that's the orange parts disappearing or the black & blue parts turning up... or actually just both but it feels horrible. I'm losing hope so suddenly and I feel so depressed. I'm still taking my medication and I know I am because I switched over to my dossett box to keep track but yeah... This feels bad. I feel bad. The light in my brain is quickly disappearing and I feel myself moving quickly into crisis mode. I just don't think I know why my brain has moved so quickly like this. I'm also getting pressure at the top of my head too. Migraines. Sigh.

I have filled in an online E Consultation for my GP and I explained that I'm struggling and I need help now. I really need help. I also told them about my weekly alcohol intake which is technically high. On the low side for me but I'd rather that and get some form of help. Apart from this, it'll be for me to call the crisis line or go to the hospital if I become very low but I'm trying to avoid that. That's the last resort and worst-case scenario. But I do feel terrible...

I just got a call from my GP surgery and I'll have a face to face appointment with my Dr on Friday. This is good news, she is so lovely so I know she will help me. I really need her to help me.

Violet has been around because I've been remembering more of the memories from watching our family friend die. It was truly traumatic. Her last breaths were so violent and it was scary like I was the life in her fight it's way out but at least it was quick.

I think my brain is overloaded from different trauma memories from different times. My migraine is getting worse too.

The desperate feeling in my body is back and I want to cry. I'm not sure how to console this part of me who holds the dark depression, desperation and suicidal thoughts and feelings. Kaiko is her name. I can see when we went from Stacey to her. I can see the shift. From blue to black. All our memories also look physically darker too like there was always an overcast or it was nighttime or we were in the dark. Interesting.

When I'm alone for too long Kaiko is more present and I struggle to hold away her feelings. It hurts.

Messaging MK helps and talking about everything and nothing. Then H called and we cried together for a bit and then. Just. Sat. With each other lol. Feels nice to be seen. I also was reminded to eat and drink and take my PRN lorazepam which helped a lot too. Then I started having a depersonalisation episode towards the end of the call because I was genuinely like who tf is that (about myself in the video call) and that prompted me to fix my hair to feel even a slight change. Maybe it'll help. Idk lol.

Now I think I'm going to take my medication and call it a night once I've taken my hair all out. I can lay in and prepare for this interview and then it's off to take Giggles to the vet and then my interview and back to bed rotting probably lol

[ipsen]

Blank Canvas, Chapter 4

Gonna stop tagging the usual stuff; at this point, you're in for the long haul imo “Touka told me you’re dating again,” Mr. Yoshimura said, smiling under the morning sun. “I’m glad.” Kaneki nearly choked. Words: 4639 Read on AO3 Chapter 5 Chapter 3 Master Post

“Kuzen.”

“Kaiko, you have to listen to me.”

“Listen to you? About what?”

“The trial. I want you to vote against it with me; there was no way—”

“Murder is murder, Kuzen, and one of our own was killed. Not just Noroi. Plus, the child’s fingerprints were all over the knife; there’s nothing we can do.”

“The child is fourteen—!”

“And anyone fourteen and above is subject to criminal procedure. If we don’t enforce our laws, they’ll just be broken more and more until everyone’s breaking them! Is that what you want, Kuzen?”

“Kaiko, I…”

“It’s just another punishment, out of hundreds of thousands. Or do you want the Garden to get involved?”

“What does the Garden have to do with—”

“I know that child is yours. I know you broke the rules. Differences aside, Noroi and I were… close. You know this.”

“…”

“That’s why you’re fighting so hard against having a trial, yes? Leftover regrets from the past?”

“…”

“I suppose I can’t fault you. I’ve seen it again and again in people better than us.”

“So, if you know, then… Will you help me?”

“… Your friendship comes at a high price, you know that?”

“Then—?”

“The Priest’s been getting… sloppy. Maybe, if a replacement were to be offered—”

“Consider it done. Thank you Kaiko… Thank you.”

———

In Anteiku, on a sunny late-May morning, the TV was turned on to the news.

“Tragedy strikes once again this month, as the Torso claims another victim. The head and limbs of twenty-one-year-old Akane Mayuhara were discovered earlier this week and confirmed by investigators of the Washuu Crime Task Force. This is the fifth victim of the Torso this year…”

The Torso… Kaneki, waiting for his coffee, vaguely recalled that name. An enigmatic serial killer who’d been active for the past ten-odd years, and still hadn’t been caught. They were a bit of an urban legend in the streets of Tokyo, almost like a modern bedtime story to get children to be afraid of the night: don’t wander about in the dead of night, lest your torso be separated from your body, and your limbs the only proof you were ever there!

… He’d have to workshop that. Bit of a mouthful.

But, more relevant to his current situation (not to be insensitive, but he did need to focus at some point), he looked down at his outfit, once again rescued from himself by Touka. This time it was just a white buttoned collar shirt paired with loose black capris that stopped just below his knees. It was simple and light, perfect for the upcoming summer slaughter. He tried to get a tie to evoke a more business casual look, but Touka had promptly slapped his hand away.

You’re a Kaneki, not a Washuu, she had said, grabbing the gel, not that he let her do anything with it.

While he was grateful, he felt a little exposed beneath the shirt; it was pretty thin now that he thought of it, and Anteiku’s temperature was a little bit lower than he was comfortable with. The material brushed against his chest, tickling what few hairs were there. Not only that, his mind had the brilliant idea to conjure situations that would lead to his downfall.

Perhaps a sudden rainstorm would soak his shirt and leave him basically shirtless. With Sen Takatsuki. Or he would escape the rain, only for a car to splash water into his face on the sidewalk. With Sen Takatsuki.

In both situations, it was possible she would— no, she definitely would— laugh at him, yet at that thought, he relaxed. She had a nice laugh, and he wouldn’t mind if he just shut up right now and stopped thinking about it.

“You look good, Kaneki,” a comforting, if a bit frail, voice said, as a wrinkly hand set down his coffee in front of him. “Have confidence.”

He looked up and saw a sight for sore eyes: a wrinkled old man with thin white hair and a gentle demeanor. “M-Mr. Yoshimura! You’re— You’re here!”

Mr. Yoshimura smiled. “I can’t very well let all of you do everything at my shop, can I?” He put up his hand before Kaneki could protest. “Don’t worry about me, Kaneki; I’ve been feeling fine all day.”

Kaneki sighed with relief, and carefully sipped his freshly made drink. He inhaled the scent and smiled back. “And you’re still the best at this.” He held up the cup. “I don’t think anyone could match up to you. Not even Touka.”

Mr. Yoshimura chuckled. “Don’t let her hear you say that. Nevertheless, I’m glad to hear it. May I?” He gestured to the available seat at the table. “I may be fine, but I probably shouldn’t move too often.”

Kaneki gestured for him to sit down, so he did. Kaneki tried not to frown at Mr. Yoshimura’s subtle grunts and the audible creak of his joints. He had been healthy since the day Kaneki met him, but no one escaped their age forever, it seemed. Just a few months ago, Mr. Yoshimura suddenly began slowing down, declining.

Dying.

Even today, he looked so thin in his uniform, and Kaneki knew it wasn’t because he wasn’t eating. The cells in his body were slowly going away, batch by batch. All Kaneki could hope for was that his death wasn’t any day soon, and that when it did happen, it was a peaceful end, one where he was surrounded by friends, as he deserved.

Mr. Yoshimura had saved so many people, after all. He helped the Apes and Dobers reconcile. They formed the company Apes and Dobers, which extended the same kind hand he had. He had taken in Touka and Ayato until Kaya got the adoption sorted out. He’d given Kaneki a job, paid days off, and taught him so much about people and the world, even from a large, if surprisingly quiet, coffee shop such as Anteiku.

He deserved the world, in Kaneki’s eyes.

“Touka told me you’re dating again,” Mr. Yoshimura said, smiling under the morning sun. “I’m glad.”

Kaneki nearly choked. “What?! No, no! I-It’s not like that! I-I got a job, actually… A-As an artist! Not— Ugh…” He covered his face with his hand, hiding how flushed his cheeks were.

Mr. Yoshimura’s eyebrows raised. “Oh? Not a date? I apologize for the misunderstanding, then. Though, you might have to tell Kaya and Enji as well, and perhaps the rest of them at Apes and Dobers. You know how popular of a subject you are sometimes.”

How many people had Touka told? Kaneki groaned, staring down at the rest of the coffee in his cup. Besides, Takatsuki would never be interested back, even if he was interested in her; birds did not concern themselves with the plights of ants.

“What sort of job did you get, then?” Mr. Yoshimura’s voice brought him back, calming him.

“O-Oh, um, I don’t know how much I can say, but…” Kaneki glanced around the shop. It was empty save for a customer in a booth against the opposite wall. He leaned forward slightly with a grin; Mr. Yoshimura could keep a secret. “I’m gonna work on Sen Takatsuki’s next work. She’s making a graphic novel.”

There was a pause. Mr. Yoshimura didn’t move for a solid two to three seconds before raising his wispy white eyebrows. “Well,” he said finally, “that’s quite the honor, Kaneki.”

Kaneki nodded. “I-I can’t tell you more than that, but I’m very excited. She’s— Takatsuki, I mean— she, well, she’s—”

— amazing. Intelligent. Maybe even relatable. More relatable than I could ever hope for.

Mr. Yoshimura put up his hand to stop Kaneki. “You don’t have to say anything. To be honest, when I saw your art for the first time, I always hoped you would get your dream, and now it seems you’re on your way.” His thin mouth curved up into that serene smile. “I’m proud of you.”

Proud. A word he’d never heard from his late father or his uncle, but instead the manager of his first job. But… Mr. Yoshimura was more than that. He was kind to Kaneki, and cared about him. It was as close to the real deal as Kaneki was gonna get, and he’d gladly— proudly— take it.

Kaneki beamed, then downed the rest of his coffee. “Thank you, Mr. Yoshimura! That… That means a lot.” He checked his phone for the time, then stood up. “Well… I don’t want to be late. Thank you so much. For everything.”

Mr. Yoshimura nodded with a smile. “Good luck, Kaneki.”

———

The Shoeisha headquarters, located in the 1st ward, was still rather intimidating despite it being Kaneki’s second time here. After dinner at the White Blades, Takatsuki had carted him over during the last hour of operations to get him the paperwork to fill out for next time.

Now it was next time. Kaneki took a deep breath and walked inside.

His shoes— old sneakers that he’d had since high school and didn’t have the heart to replace— squeaked embarrassingly against the sleek white floor. However, it wasn’t as clean as Enji made Anteiku’s floor. 

He greeted the secretary— her name tag read ‘Ami’— and she got his pass set up. “Where are you heading to, Mr. Sasaki?” she asked, making idle conversation.

“Oh, uh, to Takatsuki’s office.” He gave his best business smile. It was a little weird being called by his pseudonym in public, and by a stranger, no less. “I’m, um… I’m her new hire.”

The way her eye twitched made him feel like he’d said something wrong. “Ms. Takatsuki, hm?” Her smile suddenly tightened. “She typically works alone besides Mr. Shiono; I didn’t realize she’d hired an… assistant.”

It sounded like an insult. “M-Me either!” He rubbed his chin. “But, well… Here I am.”

“Mhm…” Ms. Ami typed something onto the computer at her desk then printed Kaneki’s pass over. “Well, she’s on the sixth floor, at the end of the hall. Mr. Shiono can point you the way as well.”

He took the pass when she handed it over, and tucked it into his shirt pocket. “Th-Thank you.”

He made his way to the three elevators on the ground floor, praying that when one opened, it would be empty.

Ding.

Three people— all dressed in dark business suits— cut him off to occupy the open space.

Again, to be fair, Kaneki had never been the religious type.

He squeezed himself into what space remained and pressed the button to the 6th floor. He asked the other three for their floors. One of them was on the 7th. Great.

The elevator door slid shut.

Ding. Third floor. One person left, another replaced them, once again in a business suit.

Kaneki wanted to disappear; here he was in shorts and— and sneakers— while these people were professionally sweating in dress pants and shiny black shoes. Shouldn’t he be suffering with them? This was a professional business environment, and the way he was dressed now made him feel more like a visitor than a worker.

Fourth floor. Two people left, none got on.

Had Touka set him up for failure? No, she wouldn’t do that. Not on purpose. Hide had also cleared the outfit, but none of them really knew what it was like in Shoeisha. So, really, it was Kaneki’s fault for not paying more attention to the workplace culture; he’d been too busy focusing on the fact that Sen Takatsuki was holding his hand— Well, his wrist— for the better part of an hour.

Fifth floor. Someone got on. He screwed his eyes shut.

Sixth floor. Freedom. He darted out of the elevator, eyes searching feverishly for a place that looked like a hallway or a hiding spot. White walls, white floors, spotted ceiling, cubicles— Mr. Shiono’s desk. There was a start. At least he remembered where that was.

He practically sprinted over there, drawing even more unwanted looks from more office workers. It was way too quiet here too; anyone could hear anyone else’s conversation with a good enough ear. Not even the hum of the lights was loud enough.

Mr. Shiono was a middle-aged man with dark, beady eyes and thinning black hair. Unlike his coworkers, he was missing a blazer and just had a long-sleeved buttoned shirt with pants and a belt. He heard Kaneki’s rushed gait and turned.

“Oh, Sasaki!” He seemed surprised. “You’re early.”

“I-I am?” Kaneki checked his phone. He was. “I am…”

Mr. Shiono shook his head. “Well, at least one of you’s here. Sen is, in all likelihood, still fast asleep; I called her this morning, but you know how she can be.”

Kaneki thought back to their first meeting, now over a week ago. “Yeah…”

“Sorry again about the interview.” Mr. Shiono smiled. “She insisted, and was subsequently embarrassed when I found out she was late.”

“E-Embarrassed…?” Kaneki scratched his cheek. Takatsuki, embarrassed? For being late to see him?

Mr. Shiono chuckled. “It’s probably better if you see for yourself. She didn’t come into her office yesterday, so maybe it’s still there…”

Kaneki’s brow furrowed while Mr. Shiono pointed him in the right direction. He tried to appear smaller by clutching his satchel as he journeyed toward the hallway. As he walked, he couldn’t help but notice the space between the doors narrowing the closer he got to the end. The offices were shrinking. No, that couldn’t be it. They wouldn’t stuff Sen Takatsuki in a space barely larger than—

He found the door labeled ‘Takatsuki’ and realized it was unlocked. He opened it, and saw a very tiny office, not even ten square meters.

Apparently, they would stuff Sen Takatsuki in a glorified broom closet.

It made sense the more he thought about it. Though she was a bestseller, her messages were… controversial. Any reader worth their salt could see that she was happy to make them uncomfortable with the system that exercised its power upon the people. Such messages tended to upset more traditional people, which was a shame, Kaneki thought. Takatsuki was only advocating for people to fight for a better world; shutting her up for that seemed contradictory.

He glanced around the office he could cross in under ten paces. There was a tiny desk on the right with a serviceable (if a bit outdated) desktop, a window opposite the door, a couch and coffee table on the left, and then a corner bookshelf tucked into the corner.

There was also a poster behind the desk, showing a heart encased in a prison too large for it. The bars pierced through the heart, causing its blood to pool on the floor around it.

That was Kaneki’s art. His first piece, in fact, that Hide had suggested he makes prints of. There were only a handful out there in the world, and one of them was hanging in Sen Takatsuki’s office.

Huh.

He blinked.

Huh?!

His eyes nearly popped out of his head. What was that doing here?! Had Takatsuki really— Had she bought one?!

He shook his head, suppressing the swelling pride in his chest. His art, on display in Sen Takatsuki’s office.

Not that anyone would care.

He closed the door behind him and set his bag down on the couch before going for the books. He browsed the shelf idly, noting that there was very little rhyme or reason to how they were organized… on the surface. But as he made out the names of authors and the works, he realized that there was a method to it, and instead of reading, he dedicated himself to cracking apart said method.

If Dazai’s No Longer Human went here, and Murakami’s Kafka on the Shore was here, then it stood to follow that—

The door burst open, causing him to yelp and trip into the bookshelf, causing a few to fall out of their already-precarious position. Then, he saw Takatsuki in the doorway, with her hair in a haphazard ponytail and a large backpack on her shoulders.

“I… I’m so sorry!” she panted, kicking the door shut. “That’s twice now that I’ve been late!”

Today, she was wearing faded blue shortalls with her usual black tights, and a thin turtleneck sweater underneath. Wasn’t she warm in those?

“You weren’t waiting long, were you?” Takatsuki caught her breath as she waddled over and set the backpack down.

Kaneki shook his head. “No, I wasn’t waiting long…” His eyes drifted back to his art on her wall.

Her own gaze followed, then she stopped. “Oh, I… thought I got rid of that!” She flitted over to it, hiding her face in the process. “Unfortunate…”

She reached out to grasp the edges of the frame, and Kaneki half-expected her to take it down, but she just straightened it.

“Nothing to be done about it now—”

“When did you get that?” he blurted out.

And he swore she flinched. “Oh! Well— When anyone else would get your work!”

So it wasn’t a secondhand purchase? It was presumptuous to think that his work was big enough to be scalped, but implying she bought directly from him was comforting regardless. “I see…”

She took a breath and turned back around to him. “Anyways, like the office? The bosses shoved me into it after the message of Hanged Man’s became more public knowledge. They had to deal with a defamation lawsuit with me, as the ones who published it, and they weren’t too happy about it. Even though we won!”

And she snickered. Kaneki could barely believe his ears; he didn’t know about the lawsuit, but couldn’t she have gone to jail in the event of a loss? It was either that or a heavy fine, yet both consequences seemed to mean nothing to her. Was she really so confident, or was there something else at work?

“They think the new place’ll ‘discourage me’ from ‘engaging in further unnecessary discourse’. Like the stairs aren’t literally right across from here.” Takatsuki huffed. “Idiots.”

And there was his answer. Before he knew it, a chuckle had escaped him.

“You can’t restrain creativity with petty and stupid—!” She looked over. “What?”

“No, it’s nothing—” he waved his hand, still grinning— “you just reminded me of someone, is all.” Maybe with this, he could finally get Touka to read a Takatsuki book.

“Oh? Perhaps the same someone that got you your snazzy shirt?” She pointed two finger guns at him in jest.

He laughed again. “The very same.”

“Ha! Knew it.” Takatsuki grinned. “Your friend sounds like a wonderful person to be around. I’d love to meet her.”

Kaneki nodded hesitantly. “M-Maybe…” Intersecting his work and personal life didn’t sound like the greatest idea. Not at the moment, at any rate.

She glanced at the bookshelf behind him. “By the way, were you enjoying my little collection?”

Kaneki glanced behind him. “Yes! Uh, they’re organized by overarching themes, right?”

Takatsuki blinked, like she always did when he surprised her. “Yes, they are. How’d you figure?”

“There’s a contradiction to an alphabetical order. Here—” he pointed— “you put some Shelley and Stoker close together, yet certain Dazai and Poe works are grouped together as well.”

She dropped her backpack next to his satchel, then took one of the pillows into her arms and laid on it. Her legs swung idly in the air as she listened.

“So I figured the works themselves were connected, and that’s how I arrived at them sharing themes.” One of Kaneki’s fingers traced what little shelf area wasn’t occupied by a book. Skimming the titles, he noticed something else. “Huh. You have a lot of horror novels.”

She nodded. “I do. It’s my favorite genre.”

He smiled at her, and she looked away, obscuring her expression again. “They’re good, aren’t they?” he said. “Sharing the dark and terrible recesses of both the world and the mind, mixing them together to heighten the experience of fright and dread. It’s almost addicting.”

And it takes away from the horrors of reality. If others can express their feelings through these novels, then the world becomes a bit smaller, and we’re all a little less lonelier.

Takatsuki laughed that lovely laugh, and he let himself believe for a moment that she shared his thoughts. “I’m glad someone around here gets it.”

He tilted his head. “Do you… not talk with other authors?”

She shrugged and rolled to her feet. “I’m not very sociable, unfortunately. Plus I’m not exactly… popular with my coworkers.”

“Oh…” He looked down, remembering Ms. Ami’s tight smile in the lobby.

Was Takatsuki’s work really so controversial? Kaneki realized that The Hanged Man’s MacGuffin, the most recent and the most contentious, seemed to sympathize with its fictional serial killers, but that was just on a surface level. It was a mere exaggeration to get to its real message: advocating for prison inmates to be rehabilitated and reintegrated into society easier, instead of just leaving them to rot out of public sight. Locking people away for literal years of their lives, with very little to do, if at all, did not solve the long-term effects of crime. The book definitely did not say that serial killers should be let loose in the streets. It was common sense. Then again, while one person could be smart, it was people that made them stupid.

Kaneki looked back at Takatsuki. Should he say something to her? It couldn’t hurt, right? She seemed to listen to him, more or less. “Well… They’re missing out, I think. Your coworkers.”

Yeah, that was a safe line.

“Charmer,” Takatsuki said, grinning.

See? Safe line. More or less. Still, Kaneki rubbed his neck. “Um, thank you…”

She cleared her throat a little loudly. “Now, to commemorate our first official day together as partners—” partners— “I got you something!” She reached for her backpack and revealed its contents. “Tada!”

It was full of empty sketchbooks. His jaw dropped at the sight. “I-Is this—”

“For you, yes.” She grinned up at him. “You’ll be drawing a lot, so you should have a lot of paper! I’m also working on getting you a desk setup here to ink pages and such.”

“B-But— How much did this cost…?” There were so many… She certainly was a ‘popular’ author (at least her older work was), but spending money on him like this was—

“Don’t worry about costs! Worry about the story! The characters! The message! Those are all you need to worry about.” She sat back down and patted the space next to her. “C’mon, I wanna bounce the story off of you.”

He hesitated, but he wasn’t about to sit at her desk. So he shuffled around her and the backpack full of sketchbooks and sat down. She crossed her legs on her side and faced him with her full body.

“Okay, picture this: a lobbyist organization with a lot of government influence has been using serial killers to get rid of inconvenient opponents,” she proposed, waggling her fingers dramatically. “The main character is an independent investigator with photographic memory, who remembers seeing one of the lobbyists’ members with the most infamous serial killer of them all, but he can never prove it. Thoughts?”

Kaneki digested her pitch. What sort of story could they tell with that premise? Better yet, what themes? What was a Takatsuki-sounding theme…?

She was staring at him.

Well, it certainly reminded him a bit of Industrial, as well as Salt and Opium. Both dealt with secretive organizations, but the purpose of those organizations was often more of a backdrop than a main focus. The actual conflict of both novels revolved around their respective protagonists’ personal ties to the case.

Detective Tanizaki, for example, didn’t strictly care about the titular drug and its effects on the larger population— he was more concerned with solving the case in order to prove himself to his family and his unit, both of which had their own problems.

Those jade eyes seemed to latch onto every movement he made.

The reason readers tended to root for Tanizaki is because his investigation was interspersed with short, unrelated stories about the effects the illegal opium trade had on the average person. It ruined lives as the drug’s addictive nature spread through poor communities, and they had neither the time nor the resources to treat it.

Yet the agency Tanizaki was a part of was not so clean themselves. Certain divisions benefited from the trade, and they tried to thwart him at every turn, giving false evidence and dubious trails to follow until he surmounted them with his keen intellect.

Fern hair swayed slightly as Takatsuki tilted her head.

But Tanizaki never pursued those divisions. He was only a ‘hero’ on a surface level because he happened to be the one trying to solve the case and stop the trade, not because he actually cared about—

Kaneki’s eyes happened to look up and meet Takatsuki’s. She had a small smile on her face and hadn’t moved an inch. His face went scarlet. “S-Sorry! I’m just thinking—”

She put out her hand. “Okay, first rule of working with me: no more unnecessary apologies. It’s getting old, and I really don’t care. Your brain is your brain: let it think instead of wasting time.”

He flinched at the sudden sting of her words, true as they were. “I’m s— Okay,” he managed, eyes shut and lips pursed in shame. He couldn’t even apologize without upsetting someone.

She frowned as she leaned a bit forward. “You’re nervous, aren’t you?”

He nodded meekly.

“Remember, Haise: this is your story just as much as it is mine.” One of her fingers pushed gently on his forehead, forcing him to look at her. “It won’t do if it isn’t your thoughts coming out of your mouth. Take your time, okay?”

He swallowed. “But… Won’t there be a deadline? I— We can’t afford to wait for me to—”

“Pfft! Details!” She waved her hand dismissively. “Shiono and I know this thing like the back of our hands. If the bosses start getting antsy, we’ll take care of it. You just focus on the story.”

“But, Takatsuki, I don’t— I mean, I want to write and draw this story with you, but—” he steeled himself, remembering that this was his first job, and that he didn’t want it to be the last— “I want to know other things, too. I-I… I won’t be attached to you forever, so… I don’t want to be helpless when that day comes.”

‘When’.

He didn’t want this to become another Hide situation. He didn’t want to be dependent on someone else because of his choice in career. He didn’t want pity he didn’t deserve, sympathy that shouldn’t belong to him. He… He had to be his own person. With his own experience. His, and no one else’s. Alone.

He was a burden as he was now.

Right?

Takatsuki’s gaze hardened, maybe even too much, and in the new lines on her face, Kaneki glimpsed strange sadness and loneliness: emotions he’d never been able to identify in himself until he saw them on her. Not pity, not even sympathy; just sorrow.

“That’s true enough.” Her voice seemed distant in the small space. “But it’s your first day. You shouldn’t learn it all at once, right?”

Kaneki sensed a compromise, but between what opposing terms, he couldn’t begin to guess. She was right, though, in a broad sense; as much as he wanted to be, not everyone could be an Atlas who could shoulder the world.

“One step at a time,” he agreed, if a bit reluctantly.

The mysterious tension in her features relaxed then as that familiar, easy smile reappeared on her face; this time, however, he realized that such a smile didn’t reach her eyes.

[bihansthot]

✨9 People you’d like to know better✨

Tagged by: @darialovesstuff & @huepazu thank you lovelies

Last song: ジグソウ - 蚕 (Jigsaw - Kaiko)

Favorite color: pink, blue, teal and silver

Currently watching: When Sharks Attack and Why

Currently reading: I don’t read recreationally 🙃

Sweet/Spicy/Savory: Savory

Relationship Status: complicated, polyamorous, I have a husband a boyfriend and a boy toy 😳 fictionally I have a husband (Bi-Han) and a boyfriend (Syzoth) basically I’m a slut 🥴

Current Obsession: forever and always Mortal Kombat

Last thing I googled: why my wireless headphones were flashing red

Currently working on: Ummm nothing quite yet but I have head canon to do m/m smut, m/m/f smut and self ship stuff to do

Tagging without pressure: @shadow-mans-things @jentasticart @brittlecakes92 @dontunderestimatemypoison @gophergal @toniczzz @xx-kaitlyn-trixx-xx @suga-catt @sinfulreptile anyone who wants to

[captain-astors]

You ever think that yoshimura/kuzen and kaiko have chemistry 👀?

Anon I'm genuinely curious as to what the event was that fired the synapses in your lovely little brain to formulate this thought. Let alone why you sent it to my inbox.

Fortunately you're asking the right person because I don't ship by logic, I ship by amusement, and oh boy this is interesting. In their canon interactions? Not really, it's not painted that way, but with a stretch of the mind we can absolutely get there. Kaiko is obsessed with order, he thinks V is perfect and Kuzen's difference of opinion causes a fracture in their relationship. Years later Kaiko just wants him to rejoin the organization and realize what he sees. I can make this chemistry with spite alone. It's messy, they're bitter, they're both absolutely terrible people and as individuals I don't like them but in this crackship? I can have so much fun with them.

Now that all that's out of the way I must scream, WHY IS OLD MAN ROMANCE MY LEGACY. WHY DO YOU BRING ME BACK TO THIS TUMBLR. HAVE I NOT FED YOU TO SATISFACTION, DEVILS??? WHY MUST I DIG THE OLD MAN CHRONICLES TAG OUT OF ITS GRAVE.

[sleepywisteriah]

!!Endwalker spoilers!!

So close to finishing Endwalker and it’s been such a blast! (Major kudos to a couple of friends for helping out and making me laugh the hardest I’d laughed in a while)

The duty just before Hydaelyn nearly broke me, the souls of the departed really hit hard, had to stop and pause for a moment when I saw Haurchefant’s shield, totally not welling up whilst typing this out.. >_>

BUT we have defeated Hydaelyn! Feels so good to be this up to date finally, but I’ve heard there’s a good 3 hours worth of cutscene coming up which I will definitely enjoy!

Admittedly, I more or less started crying after leaving the duty, I’m not used to people accepting requests for tagging along for things like this, or hanging out in general, I’m more used to being pushed to one side so I ended up keeping to myself for the longest time until recently, but these last couple of weeks have been the best I’ve had in a game in almost a decade, I really couldn’t be happier!

Sorry for bringing up personal stuff, but I feel it needed to be said!

Call me a sappy sod or whatever, but I really mean it, I really cannot thank certain people enough! 🥹💜

Credits to Kaiko for the goofy goose!

@wildstar25 (not sure if the hashtag notifies you, still figuring tumblr out xD)

[jacobcmccaw]

Something’s happening…