#i got 6 hours of sleep last night after 2 days of also being unbearably sleepy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

knullanon · 3 years

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l.d fic #2

heres the second part! this one is long too lmao

words: 3227 (bonus at the end too!)

warnings: shotgun, kidnapping

Driving past the beautiful buildings and apartments, you rested your elbow on the car handle where you almost laid your head against the window had it not been for Mercy. “_____, you can’t sleep here.”

You mumbled out something strange before you rested your head on the head of your seat. You really wanted to sleep, as you couldn’t feel your feet when you got into the car, but you knew that your bed would be a lot more comfortable in the long run.

You turned to look at Lex, and he was on the phone with someone. You didn’t even notice him, probably because he was whispering in an exasperated voice. You didn’t try to tune in, as he would probably notice either way, so instead you kept on looking out the window. You saw shops, restaurants, even other gala places like the one you were just at. You even saw the Lexcorp tower.

One thing you remember from your past life was that someone… Was it your mother or father? It was both, right? Anyway, either one would always take you on a night drive every month, usually on a Tuesday for some strange reason. You would usually listen to music on these drives, and the lights in the towns and cities were always so pretty. Even now, it was pretty to you, since there weren’t many people this late at night and the shops were still running. You looked up to one building noticing the bright lights that accompanied the sign. But your attention turned to the top of the building.

There seemed to be two people, one who was extremely tall, with two… sticks in his hands. And the other had a cape and a hoodie, who was shorter than the other man. This one also had a katana. You tried to get a better look, but the car started to move again, and you again tried to look back. But Mercy noticed.

“____, what are you looking at?” She asked, looking where you were watching. You looked back, but there was nothing there. “... I guess there was nothing there.” You whispered to yourself. “What?” Mercy asked. “Nothing. I thought I saw a person on the roof.”

Mercy didn’t say anything and she went back to looking around to make sure that the driver was going the way they were supposed to.

~~~~~

“Dick, what the hell?!” Damian whispered to his older brother. Currently, they were hiding behind a wall on the building you were looking at. Dick sighed before he said, “Well, you were there too, so don’t just put the blame on me!”

“I’m not tall and I don’t wear bright colors!”

“Oh really-” Dick then noticed that Damian was not in his normal yellow and red suit, but instead he was in a more stealthy color.

“The only thing I have is a bluebird on my chest!”

“A big blue bird-”

“Can you guys just… try to follow the car?”

Tim was at his breaking point: he was really at his breaking point. Damian was heard arguing with Dick for a few more seconds before Tim just decided to follow the car himself. Which somehow worked.

“Does anyone have a tracker on that thing?” Duke asked, also following the car. He wasn’t as tired as Tim, but he understood where he was coming from. “Yeah, I’ll send the location to you in just a sec.”

~~~~~

Driving up to the big gates, you felt really tired when you felt the car stop, but at least there weren't any paparazzi you had to run over. You got out of the car and started to walk with Mercy to the elevator, when you thought you heard something from the other side of the empty parking garage. You turned your head, only to see empty space and columns. You tried to look around more, but Mercy had started to lead you towards the elevator already.

Getting into the elevator, you stood with Mercy to listen to the almost silent beeps of the elevator getting higher into the building.

“Ah, I almost forgot, I’ll bring you your dinner to eat in the room. I understand your exhaustion.”

“Oh, what did the cook make?”

“Honey glazed ham with mashed potatoes and gravy.”

You remembered that from before you got here. Your mother would make that every day if you asked her to. You also started to notice how… nice mercy was being towards you. You remember when you first met her, she did not like you at all. In fact the only thing she would say is… well, nothing really. However, that was months ago. Now, she greets you and gives you small talk. She even gives you little presents if you’re good.

When the elevator chimed to your floor, and the doors opened, you were expecting more guards then you saw. Usually there were more than 5 there, but there was no one in the hallway. Even Mercy looked a little shocked. However, she just took your hand and led you through the halls back to your room, where she then opened your door and pointed to the drawers. “You should probably change into something more comfortable. You aren’t going anywhere for another couple weeks at least, so that's a good thing.”

You nodded and walked over to the dresser to change. You picked out a pair of pajamas that were extremely soft before you walked to the bathroom.

~~~~

Getting out of the bathroom you heard strange music coming from below you. It wasn’t ugly, or loud, just… rumblings of sad music. It sounded nice. You walked over to your overly plush bed and you crawled in, ignoring the strange feeling that was pooling in your mind. Something telling you to be alert, but you were too tired to care. Tossing and turning wasn’t helping you either. Finally you decided that it was getting unbearable. It was then you noticed that you never got a knock on the door from Mercy for your food. Groaning, you climbed out of bed only to notice how cold it felt. You slipped on some slippers that were also extremely soft and warm, before you walked to the door and tried to pull on the handle. It was locked. Of course it was. It's never open in the first place. You sighed and wondered where everyone went. You still felt the rumbling beneath you from the music, so you knew someone was down there, but you just didn’t know who.

Instead of freezing to death, however, you bundled yourself in many different blankets, most soft, fuzzy and warm. Waddling over to the bed you stumbled into your mattress and groaned. You wanted to just fall asleep, but something was keeping you awake. It was a nagging feeling like you just weren’t alone. You crawled your way so that you were leaning against your wall and you also had a view of the room to make sure that there wasn't anyone in there with you.

You were about to crawl back down but then, there was a noise at the door. It was unlocking, you thought, it was probably Mercy finally bringing you your food. However, when the door opened, it was not Mercy. In fact, it was a… boy. Probably a new servant, but still a boy.

He looked to be about your age, and he was wearing the usual uniform that the servants would wear. He was also carrying a tray.

Looking at you bundled up in almost all of your blankets, he gave you a small bow, as to not drop the food. You looked at him up and down, before you asked, “Who are you?”

He stood there, before he coughed a little, and said, “I’m the, uh, new butler assigned to bring you food.”

You gave him a look. “I thought Mercy was supposed to bring the food? Where is she?”

The boy looked a little surprised. “She’s, um, a little busy. With Luthor.”

You gave a nod before he brought the food to you. You unwrapped yourself from the blankets and leaned over to him a bit. He had a tray underneath his arm, and he brought it out so he could lay the food on your bed. He then placed both the tray to carry your food and your food itself onto your bed. Opening the cover, it revealed, just as Mercy had said, honey glazed ham and mashed potatoes and gravy. He gave you two cans of Arizona tea- Arizona tea?

You checked the labels again, surprised that Lex would even give this to you. Usually he gave you a better drink, and something “better”. You did miss the taste of Arizona tea, however, so you didn’t object to getting the tea. Eating your meal, the boy stayed with you while you ate. He didn’t seem to care about you for a minute, before he asked, “What's your name?”

You looked at him to see him close to the bed. You gulped down a piece of ham and said, “____. What's yours?”

“... Damian.”

“Oh, nice. So. When did they hire you?”

Damian did not answer you, but instead asked his own question. “When did you decide to join Lex Luthor?”

You gave him a look. “You must be new around here if you’re asking that.”

Finishing your ham, you moved to the mashed potatoes. “I don’t know why I’m here to be honest. I was taken here a few months ago. I was only found out by a colleague of his a few days ago when they saw me. Or was it a few weeks? I don’t know. I don’t have a calendar. I don’t even know what's going on in the world.” You laughed a little at the last part. However, you saw him start to ask something again.

But then, you had a bright idea. “Hey, speaking of which, what’s happening outside, around the world? People never tell me anything here.”

Damian gave you a look before saying, "Well, Wayne Enterprises is gaining more stock, and Lexcorp isn’t too happy about it."

Putting another piece of potatoes in your mouth, you laughed. "Lex was yelling about that yesterday. Talking about loss of money."

For the next 20 or so minutes, you talked with Damian and laughed with him about different things, and he would also tell you things about the world outside your luxurious penthouse.

Finally, after you finished your food, you put your dishes and trash on the food tray before you gave it to him. "Well. Thank you for keeping me company. Usually only Mercy is allowed to do that.” he nodded and took your tray before he placed it back on the nightstand next to you.

He gave you his hand, before asking, “Lex asked for you to be walked around tonight. He said you haven’t been out of the house for awhile.”

You gave him another look before telling him, “Damian, you do know I was at a gala today for at least 6 hours, right?”

His facade slipped then. You realized that when he stood tall, and he let his arms go to his sides instead of behind his back. At first, you thought he was going to attack you, but instead he pulled something out of his back pocket and he put it on. Then he took off his uniform and-

Oh, shit.

This was the kid you saw at the top of the building.

“I’m sure you can tell who I am by the look on your face. My name is Robin, and I’m here to take you away from here.”

~~~~~~

Sneaking past the large doors was easy enough, especially considering the fact that Damian knew what he was doing. He led you through the place like he had lived there, and before you knew it, you were almost to the parking garage. But when you both reached the elevator, instead of going down, he went up.

Giving him a look, he quickly explained. “People know you’re out: They think you’re alone, and since you don’t know of the rooftop area, they’re all gathered down there to get you.”

“How do you know that-”

“SHHH!” Damian gave you a look and turned to the left corridor that led to the large double doors that led to a lounge. He turned back to the elevator, and when he realized there wasn’t enough time for the elevator to come down, he quickly dragged you over to a large statue and hid you behind it along with himself.

You tried to listen but being pressed up against a statue was kind of difficult already. However, you did recognize the steps of the person walking. Pride, power- anger. Fast moving, loud, rage, it all sounded like Lex Luthor himself. And he sounded like he was carrying something.

Mercy was with him, you quickly realized, and she sounded a little muffled.

“-the little bitch got me right in the nose, and then I got knocked out, sir. He took one of the uniforms in the closet, he has black hair, he's short, and he doesn’t have his registry on him.”

“Tell that to the guards around the perimeter. Tell them that no one is going to leave this damn place until both ____ and that fucker are found.”

And with that, you heard someone reload a shotgun before heading into the elevator that was now there.

“Where do you think they’ll be?”

“She only knows the way to the parking garage, so we should look there first, sir. I don’t know how much the other one knows, but-”

When the elevator started to head down, Damian grabbed your arm and started to drag you towards… somewhere. Mercy was right, you had no idea where anything was. You only knew the way from the parking garage to your room. However, Damian seemed to know where to go.

“Uh, where are we going again?”

He turned back to you before gesturing to a large metal door. Stairs.

“We’re going to go up there and escape. We have to hurry, though: they will realize you aren’t in the parking garage.”

~~~~~

You were almost out of breath when you finally reached the rooftop. It felt like you were running for your life. It was so thrilling, and yet, the only thing keeping you going was freedom.

It wasn’t like you weren’t unappreciative of the things given to you by Lex, but you missed being able to walk around and be wherever without having 16 guards surrounding you.

Damian said something, but you didn’t hear it due to the blood pumping to your head: It sounded almost relaxing if it wasn’t increasing.

Dragging you around a bit, he whispered something into his comm, and again, you couldn’t hear it, but from the looks of it this entire thing was almost done.

Suddenly, something dropped seemingly from thin air. A rope.

Looking up, you saw a small, but fairly large ship floating right above you. Damian grabbed you by the waist and started to pull you up. You tried to help yourself, but not going anywhere really put a toll on your body, so he did most of the work. As you were halfway there, though, you heard a shot through the air, and turning around, you saw Lex holding a shotgun with multiple guards surrounding both you and Damian. Mercy was with Lex, and she looked pissed off, even with a bloody nose. Damian was also looking around. You heard something from his ear, along the lines of, “Plan B?” to which Damian responded, “Yeah, plan B.”

Suddenly, he cut the rope you both were hanging off of, and while falling, he got you over his shoulder and started to run towards an area where guards weren’t as plentiful. You were able to look up from your spot, but the only thing you saw was Lex reloading and Mercy yelling something. More guards started to chase the both of you, while Damian seemed to be choosing where to go. He suddenly changed directions, sprinting towards the edge of one building. Realizing what he was going to do, you asked, “That’s a 6 story drop, you know!”

He didn’t listen. He instead jumped and while you expected to die, you were glad that you were at least free of the strange man who kept you here. However, you landed on something: hard. It was the ship that tried to get you earlier!

Bringing you inside, you realized he must have jumped onto a platform. He brought you over to a table where he tried to see if you were injured, however, a gunshot made you both duck. Looking out of the closing platform, you saw Lex continuing to shoot at the ship, trying to take it down, but failing.

You turned back to the occupants of the ship itself and saw three more people besides Damian: One was the one who was standing with him on that rooftop, with two sticks at his sides, one who was tall and had a bright yellow suit on him, and one was at the front of the ship where it was hard to see anything.

The yellow suit guy came up to you first and offered his hand.

“Hi! My codename is Signal, but you can call me Duke. What’s your name?”

_____

fun fact! I was actually gonna have cass instead of duke, but I changed my mind last minute! also, have a bonus for the next chapter!

Bonus:

Lex was beyond pissed. His guards failed at the one thing they were supposed to be good at, and they failed. And it cost him his daughter, too. Mercy was the only thing keeping him from going on a rampage, telling him that the batkids probably had many hiding spots, that they manipulated you into going with them, all other things.

“I want you to find out where they took her and why. Oh, also, if you do find the one who took her?” Mercy nodded, awaiting orders. “I want him alive. I want to kill him myself.”

She nodded again and walked out of his office. As Lex started to walk back to his desk, he noticed there was still reminisce of glass on it. He looked at the broken window where Mercy said she had thrown the strange boy who had taken _____, before he climbed back up and knocked her out. Sighing, he let his hands curl into fists, before he grabbed the chair and threw it across the room, and then he flipped the table.

Rage was all that he could feel at the moment. No one knew of her existence: Who would’ve known? Who had met her and had such an interest that they had to take her from him? What happened-

Suddenly remembering the gala, Lex felt his face become hot and red. He was feeling more furious than he had ever been. He stormed over to one of the beautiful statues he owned in his office, before he pulled out another shotgun from the leg of the stone. He walked over to a different statue holding something in its hand, just in his reach, and picked it up. It was ammunition, and reloaded it so it was full. He stomped out of his office, ignoring glass that cut into his shoes.

“Bruce Wayne…” Luthor whispered to himself, getting his phone to call Mercy.

“I’m going to kill you.”

#yan!dad lex luthor #dad lex luthor

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inskz · 4 years

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raspberry popsicle - hwang hyunjin

pairing - hwang hyunjin + convenience store worker!reader

genre - lots of fluff, a bit of angst ??? idk i hope u cry a little at the end lmao

warnings - alcohol and cigarette

words - 12+k

summary - a beautiful stranger comes to the convenience store you work at during summer every single day to buy raspberry popsicles

note - this is the first time i finally managed to finish an english fic so i thought why not post it! please bear with the inconsistencies this was written at 3am while i was feeling rlly nostalgic abt a summer i didn’t have 🥴. enjoy!!!

-----

Hyunjin met you on the warmest day of August.

He could barely keep his eyes open, even hidden behind his square-shaped sunglasses, as he walked down the street, the scorching heat of the sun forcing him to take refuge in the closest 7/11 he managed to find on google maps.

The excessive air conditioning slapped his cheeks when the sliding doors opened. Even though he felt like his throat was already itching, warning him not to stay too long if he did not want to catch a cold, he was thankful to escape momentarily the living hell that was a summer in Jeju. Warm rays of sunlight were replaced by glitching neon lights. At this hour of the day, the convenience store was pretty much empty. The whole town must have been gathered at the beach. He could feel a bead of sweat dripping down his neck at the simple thought of all the bodies piled up on the sand. When he finally found the freezer, he grabbed a raspberry popsicle. It had always been his favorite for as long as he could remember.

At first, you did not notice him approaching the checkout, too immersed in the music blasting in your earphones. In fact, your music was so loud, Hyunjin was able to make out the bass. Indie rock, he assumed. An old fan was blowing lukewarm air in your messy hair. As you finished your umpteenth spin on your rusty stool, your eyes finally met his.

"Sorry. Did not see you there," you said, jumping up and taking off your earphones in a hurry, as if you were caught red-handed. Your boss must have forbidden you to listen to music on your shifts, he guessed. You stuffed the tangled cords deep in the pocket of your forest green sleeveless vest. Hyunjin couldn’t help but wonder how someone could look that good in this horrid uniform.

"It's okay," Hyunjin muttered but you did not seem to hear him as you were too busy taping on the cash register's screen. His cheeks felt hot all the sudden, but for once it was not from the heat of the sun.

"One fifty please". He proceeded to empty out his pockets, the golden coins landing on the counter with a loud noise. Without even glancing at him, you put them in the cash-drawer.

And as quickly as he came, Hyunjin was out the door, the burning air engulfing him again, sinking into every pore of his skin. But he could not bring himself to go home yet. Instead, he sat under the shade of the parasol installed in front of the convenience store’s window, glancing occasionally at you.

Unconsciously, a smile grew on his lips as he saw that you were already back to your antics, earphones in your ears, bopping your head to the sound of your playlist.

He did not realize how long he had been sitting here until he felt a sticky liquid running down his fingers. His popsicle had melted. “Fuck”, he muttered as he saw that his white vans were now tinted pink.

-----

You’d be lying if you said the stranger’s daily visits were not the only reason you looked forward to starting your shift at 6 in the morning while all your friends were still fast asleep after long nights of partying. He would come every day around 2, except on Sundays when the shop would be closed, to get his raspberry treat.

After a week, your exchanges still had not gotten further than the usual “hello”, “one fifty please”, “thanks” and “goodbye”. Not that you did not have the desire to, but because you have always been terrified of small talk. How you got hired despite your constant resting bitch face was an unsolved mystery.

On Thursday, he entered the 7/11 at exactly 2:13 PM and, as always, went straight to the freezer. You immediately turned up the volume of your music to silence your ridiculously intense heartbeat. Of course, you blamed it on your social anxiety. What more could it be?

While he was choosing his ice cream, you could not help but stare at his broad back. You noticed how strands of bleached hair escaped from his black bucket hat. How the collar of his Hawaiian shirt was slightly crooked, causing your fingers to ache to fix it. How the bottom of his jean shorts was getting a little bit more frayed each day. How his white vans were stained pink.

The sound of the freezer’s door slamming shut made you come back to your senses. You could not bring yourself to look at him in the eyes when he finally reached the checkout. Instead, the yellow color of the popsicle he slid onto the counter immediately caught your attention.

“Don’t we have any raspberry ones left?” you thought out loud. You only realized these words actually came out of your mouth when it you saw the boy’s eyes widen and his lips part in surprise. A wave of embarrassment hit you. He must have thought you were a crazy stalker, taking note of what he was buying every single day.

“Oh, no you got plenty left... I just wanted to try something new, I guess,” he said.

It was the first time you saw his true smile, not just the polite kind. It was shy at first, but then it bloomed across his flushed cheeks causing the skin of his nose to wrinkle and his eyes to turn into shining crescents. Never had you seen such a pretty vision. The type of vision that was making your heart ache. You wanted to answer him so badly, to keep the conversation going for hours. But no matter how hard you thought, nothing came to your mind.

"One fifty, please" were all the words you managed to say with your usual nonchalant tone. You fought the urge to slap yourself when you saw his smile slowly fading, a hint of disappointment crossing his face.

Not wanting this mortifying episode to last any longer, you quickly took his bill from his hands and gave him his change almost instantly. As soon as he disappeared behind the sliding doors, a loud sigh escaped your lips, resonating in the empty aisles. You let your head fall on the counter, your eyes already closing in an attempt to calm your nerves.

Why did you have to be so damn cold?

-----

Hyunjin’s vacations were about to come to an end, yet the heat was just as unbearable as when they started. Time had stopped. Days were endless, suffocating, empty. They blended together to create a vicious and infinite loop. The sun did not seem to be wanting to set and put an end to Hyunjin’s misery. It felt like a stifling drought interrupted his fast-paced life. Like scissors cut off his wings, violently bringing him back to the ground. No matter how hard he tried, he could not bring himself to enjoy his time off.

First of all, because it was not his choice. When the company announced a summertime hiatus for Stray Kids, it came as a surprise for everyone. It just did not feel right, not after their recent successes. But like many other decisions, it wasn’t in their power. They were sent home and forced to rest.

Mostly because he was supposed to join his parents on their trip to Jeju, but the universe decided otherwise. At the last minute, his grandmother broke her wrist by falling in the stairs and his father’s boss resigned. Nothing too alarming in itself, but his mother had to be by his grandmother’s bedside and his father had to take care of the tasks suddenly left uncompleted by his now former superior.

This is how Hyunjin, who was so used to be surrounded by seven brothers from another mother, ended up watching all the episodes of Hotel de Luna, twice, alone, in an empty beach house for two weeks straight. In the beginning, he found it kind of enjoyable. He spent the first few days sleeping-in, taking endless showers, eating snacks for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But slowly he started to miss waking up at dawn, racing to get in the shower first, fighting for the drumstick when they ordered chicken. Now it was almost unbearable. He hated the silence that he once longed for.

Of course, he thought about calling his friends and family on the phone. And he did at first, but as soon as he would hang up his loneliness would grow, multiply, swallow him whole. So, he had stopped. He also thought about going out and meeting new people. But he got so used to always having his members by his side that he forgot about how you even make new ones. He felt like a fool, not even being able to do the usual tasks of a normal teenager.

The only interaction with another living being he had was with you. Each day, he was counting the hours until he would go buy a raspberry popsicle, especially if it meant that he would see your face. Admittedly, you did not seem as excited to see his. You weren’t cheerful nor loquacious. Your whole body screamed “go away” but he still felt drawn to you. Maybe it was the way you’d mimic the drums with your fingers when you were absorbed by your music. Or how pretty you looked in that green uniform. Or the fact that you remembered raspberry was his favorite flavor.

That day, he decided loneliness had become too heavy of a burden for him. He wasn’t really realizing what he was doing when he grabbed a second popsicle out of the freezer. Afraid that he might chicken out if he thought about it too long, he walked so fast to the checkout that he almost bumped in the pile of baskets sitting next to your stool. He felt a slight relief when he saw that you noticed his purchase was different than the usual by the way you had furrowed your brows.

“Hey. This one is for you”, he said, sliding the bright pink wrapper across the counter.

Instead of reaching for the treat, your fingers started to play with the cord of your earphones. For once, you looked at him straight in the eyes. Normally you would be too focused on your cash register's screen to pay attention to him. As his confidence was melting under your gaze like an ice cream under the sun, he wondered if he actually didn’t like it better when you didn’t stare at him. Your expression was unreadable, at least for him. He had never been good at those type of things anyways.

“It must be hard to work during vacations” he added with a voice that seemed to be about to crack. He could not help but scratch the back of his head in an attempt to fight back his embarrassment.

He swore he caught a glimpse of the corners of your mouth slightly curl up, betraying your regular nonchalance. “Thanks” you responded with your usual tone, as you grabbed the popsicle, but the ghost of a smile was still lingering on your face. “3 dollars please”. He gave you the exact amount and was already on his way to the exit.

He felt a bit disappointed by your reaction but what was he even expecting? As he was trying to convince himself to be content with just seeing your smile, as discreet as it was, he heard your voice, piercing through the noise of the neon lights and refrigerators buzzing.

“Wait. I have my break in 10 minutes… Can you wait for me? We can eat it outside”. Was he hallucinating or did you actually asked him to eat together? He had to check your face several times to make sure he had not gotten crazy. Considering the way you were staring at him with your eyebrow arched, he figured he wasn’t dreaming and you were impatiently waiting for his answer. “I have to go get some fresh air anyways”, you added, trying to fill the uncomfortable silence.

“Sure”, he finally said, doing his best to keep his cool but he knew too well that his face had turned crimson red.

“I gotta put the popsicles back into the freezer otherwise it will be melted by then”. Your fingers reached for his. He noticed how small your hand seemed next to his, how the black polish on your nails was chipped, how cold your skin felt against his.

Once he was sure you were holding the popsicles, he sprinted out of the convenience-store. It was only when he got outside that he realized he had been holding his breath all this time.

-----

The next 10 minutes felt like a real ordeal. Not even the last album of the Strokes blasting in your earphones could distract you from the fact that the cutest boy you had ever seen was sitting on the sidewalk waiting for you, right in the middle of your field of vision.

You decided to swivel your stool towards the old clock instead. Seven minutes left before you could take your break. Your foot was tapping frantically on the white tiles. You were not sure if you wanted the minute hand to reach the 6 already or to stop right here in its track. Get this over with already or never have to talk to the boy again.

No matter how hard you tried to ignore his presence, you just could not. Maybe if the small TV mounted on the wall had been playing something a little bit more interesting than ads for beers and tampons you would have been able to, but sadly it was not the case.

You finally caved in, your gaze going back to him. Once again, you couldn’t help but stare at his shoulders. Unfortunately, he ended up turning around, catching you ogling. “Shit” you whispered under your breath, mortified.

That was it, you thought. Even though there were still 2 more minutes left on the clock, you couldn’t stay here anymore. Otherwise you would have probably died of embarrassment by the time would be up.

You went to find the two popsicles you had put back into the freezer. You also decided to grab two cokes on your way out. You let out a loud breath, unsuccessfully trying to release the tension that had built up in your chest, before the sliding doors opened.

“Here” you said, holding out the popsicle and the drink to the boy. He grabbed it with a small “thank you” and a soft smile. The concrete burned the back of your thighs, left exposed by your worn-out denim shorts, when you sat by his side. The bright blue of the sky hurt your pupils. There wasn’t a single cloud on the horizon.

“I forgot how hot it was outside” you finally said. And you really meant it. It felt like you just went from a fridge to a 390 degrees oven.

“You work all day?” he asked, his face turning to yours. You noticed that he was already halfway through his coke. He must have been so thirsty. You felt bad for making him wait under the sun.

You nodded, as you took a sip of the beverage. “From 6 to 9. I start and finish my shift when the weather is still bearable” you explained.

You looked at your bare arms that were already heating up. They did not see the sun more than a few times this summer. You must have looked ill compared to the tanned vacationers. “I did not put sunscreen on” you said, thinking about how your mom used to nag you when you were young when you would stay under the sun for too long.

“You should probably go sit under the shade”, he suggested, his head turning to the plastic chair the convenience store had provided.

As you sat in it, you could not help but wonder if he purposely saved the place for you. It was positioned in such a way that you couldn’t clearly see the boy’s face, only his back and a bit of his profile. And what a profile. Chiseled jaw, delicate nose, pouty lips, pierced ears. You found yourself enjoying the view way more than you should have been. There was something so pleasant about being able to take a closer look at someone without being scrutinized back. But the lovely vision was disturbed by the beads of sweat that were forming at your eyebrows. You wiped it off quickly with the back of your hand.

“I fucking hate summer breaks” you sighed. The words came out harsher than you expected as you tore the fuchsia wrapper that protected the popsicle.

“Could not agree more” he said, between two licks. The way he was eating his popsicle was just sinful, you thought.

“Really? That’s an unpopular opinion though.”

“I guess I’m not used to breaks,” he shrugged.

“What do you do?” His answer had spiked your curiosity. He looked fairly young, around the same age as you. You wondered what kind of occupation would take up so much time of his life. Worker at a factory? Top athlete? Freelancer?

Oddly enough, he took a few seconds to answer as if he was not sure himself. “I’m a hip-hop dancer” he finally said, turning around to see your reaction.

“No offense but that sounds like an all year long vacation to me” you teased him.

A laugh escaped his pink lips. Ringing and honest. It was music to your ears. “It’s really not, trust me. What about you?”.

“I’m a college student. I’m majoring in macroeconomics”. His once innocent smile turn into a teasing one. You rolled your eyes but the corners of your lips, already curling up, betrayed you. “I know. Sounds boring. It’s boring actually”.

“I always wondered what the usual college student day looks like”.

“Wake up. Eat. Drink. Party. Sleep. Repeat. Oh, and sometimes go to class,” you counted on your fingers.

“TV shows are not lying then?” he asked, cocking his brow.

“They are. They make it seem fun when in reality it’s just the same stupid people doing the same stupid shit every single day. It gets exhausting really quickly... Oh and don’t get me started on hangovers, they make you regret going everytime.” You stopped your rant there and went back to eating your popsicle, afraid that you might have made him uneasy.

But it didn’t seem like it. Instead, he looked pensive, almost sad. “I wish I could live like that sometimes...”

“What’s keeping you from partying right now? You’re here with you parents?” Vacations were the perfect time to get wasted so it was surprising he did not seize the opportunity to do so, like all the other teens in town.

“I was supposed to, but something came up last minute. So, I’m all by myself. I don’t know anybody here,” he admitted. Although he turned his head to the other side, hiding his face from you, you could sense a bit of embarrassment in his voice.

You both fell silent, acting like you were too busy eating your popsicles to talk. You didn’t know when you decided to speak up. You couldn’t even remember what your train of thought was. But here you were, about to say a sentence you had never thought you would be saying to stranger one day.

“Hey, I’m meeting with my friends tonight. Do you wanna come?” The heat had probably melted your brain, you thought. There was no way you would have uttered those words if you had been in your right mind. You held your breath, waiting for his answer.

His eyes immediately went back to yours, lighting up with expectancy. “Will they be okay with it?”

“I think so. They always bring a plus one last minute without warning me. So that will be my revenge” you laughed, trying to conceal the nervousness that was growing in your stomach as you were realizing the implications of your offer.

“You sure?”

An old man was coming your way, a large shopping bag on his shoulders. A curse escaped your lips as you checked your phone. It was way past your break time. “If you insist, I’ll call them to ask. I gotta go.” As the client entered the shop, you quickly got up and threw the popsicle stick in the closest bin, along with the wrapper “I don’t get why you’re so obsessed with this popsicle, it’s really not that good”, you muttered on your way to the entrance.

“Wait. Where do we meet up tonight?” he stuttered as he sprung to his feet.

“Be there by 9” you yelled before disappearing being the sliding doors.

-----

When the client left, his basket full of oranges and peaches, you decided to call your friend as promised. You reluctantly pressed Minju’s contact picture. In order to have your hands free and be able to refill the aisles with ramen packets, you stuck your phone between your ear and shoulder. You regretted it immediately when she picked up the phone, her loud voice hurting your eardrum.

“You better not be calling me to cancel tonight’s plans.” You’d be lying if you said that the absence of any kind of greetings came as a surprise. Her answer was easily explainable by the fact that your phone calls were rarely auspicious since you despised calling and only did it instead of texting when you had something to apologize for.

“Yeah, about that… Just wanted to warn you, I’m bringing a friend tonight”. You could not help but wince at your own words, already predicting her answer.

“You have other friends than us?” She asked in her famous mocking tone, making you regret instantly your prior boldness. It was so unlike you to invite a total stranger and Minju knew it too well.

“I met him recently, he comes to the shop everyday”, you tried to explain.

“He? A boy?” She gasped and your mind could clearly imagine her shocked face as if she was standing right in front of you, hands on the cheeks and mouth agape. You’re pretty sure your eyes rolled all the way back to your head.

Your friend must have guessed it because you could hear her repressing a giggle. “Okay, okay” She said, regaining her composure. “What’s the lucky man’s name?” she allowed herself to ask. A sudden realization hit you.

You did not even know his name.

-----

As Hyunjin walked down the same street, his pace faster than usual, he felt his heartbeat increase and his hands getting clammy. The sun had not set yet, but the sky’s color had changed, shades of pink and oranges replacing the garish blue. A fresh breeze was tickling his nose and caressing his cheeks. The linen shirt he wore would probably come handy by the end of the night, when the air would have completely cooled off but for now, the tension in his body was making him sweat profusely. He felt like a frightened teenager going to his first party. Which, to be honest, was not that far from the truth.

When he entered the shop, you were running everywhere, apologizing for being late. He offered his help to close the shop, which you accepted but only after he insisted. Fifteen minutes later, as you were finally about to lower the shutters and leave, you stopped dead in your tracks.

“We can’t come empty handed”, you muttered to yourself. You went back into the 7/11 and grabbed a pack of beers and a bottle of coke from the fridge, as well as a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of vodka behind the counter. The night promised to be eventful and Hyunjin could not help but feel slightly excited as if he was about to break the rules. And in fact, he was probably going to break his company’s rules tonight.

Even at this hour, the subway was packed by teenagers going out for the night and businessmen coming home late to their family. It forced the both of you to stay quiet, the chatters and the rails’s screeching making you unable to hear each other anyways.

Hyunjin caught a glimpse of your reflection in the window. You looked tired, staring into space, as you were holding the heavy bottles. He could sense that you definitely weren’t as excited as him to go out. Your body was slouching against the metal door, as if you carried the weight of the world on your shoulder.

At each station, you would mindlessly move aside to let people get on and off. He could not help but stare at your features that had seemed to age in a matter of hours. You looked jaded, as if you already saw everything that life had to offer you and that it did not live up to your expectations.

Hyunjin couldn’t help but wonder if you regretted inviting him. He unsuccessfully tried to ease his mind by convincing himself it was probably the long day of work you had behind you and not his presence that was making this apathetic.

Moments later, you were already at the host’s door, pushing on the intercom’s button reluctantly. The person that picked up did not even care to ask you who you were before allowing you in.

Hyunjin was surprised there wasn’t any beer pong table or bowl of punch. No expensive mansion, no pool filled with girls in bikinis, no flashing lights, no blasting electro music. Only about twenty tipsy teenagers gathered around the couch and the dining table, sipping on cheap drinks and sharing cigarettes, listening to commercial music. It looked nothing like the movies but at least Hyunjin felt a little bit less nervous in this familiar setting.

-----

You could not bother to go around the room and say hi to everybody. Firstly, because you didn’t know at least half of the persons there and did not care to meet them. Mostly, because you spent the last month ghosting the people you did know and did not want to confront them. Instead, you went straight to the wooden dining table, barely visible under all the unhealthy snacks and beverages, where Minju was seated.

“Here comes Y/N, guys”, she yelled as if you were the literal messiah, but thankfully nobody was listening, too busy getting wasted. When her eyes went from you to your guest, they doubled in size.

“So, this is the guy you were hiding all this time”, she teased, and you could see the boy’s ears turning bright red, even in this dim lighting.

“I’m Minju,” she said, holding out her hand for him to shake.

“Hyunjin” he responded with a shy smile as their palms met. Even though you wanted to strangle her for embarrassing you in front of everybody, you had to admit her antics were useful for once, since it allowed you to finally learn the stranger’s name. And what a name. You found yourself repeating it in your head again and again and again… It fit his features perfectly: soft and dreamy.

You had to snap out of it, you thought. All these feelings were so out of character. “I need a shot. Want one?” You asked Hyunjin. Before he could even answer, you were already grabbing the bottle of vodka and hastily pouring the liquor in two small glasses.

“Sure” he said as he reached for the alcohol. You clinked your glasses, looking straight into each other eyes, before downing the bitter liquid in one shot. His face contorted dramatically as soon as his lips touched the vodka, making you chuckle.

The lighthearted moment did not last long since you saw Jiwon coming in your direction. You had met him at you first Halloween college party. He was your typical frat boy, friendly and noisy, but mostly silly. To your surprise, he had taken interest in you and made his mission to transform you into an extrovert by the end of the year, which, by the way, did not happen and was not about to happen anytime soon. His intentions weren’t bad but his constant nagging about socializing only made you drift further away. And tonight, you definitely weren’t going to put up with his bullshit. When he reached the table, you avoided his gaze by reaching for the bottle once again.

“I might need another one” you muttered under your breath as you quickly poured yourself a second drink, swallowing it in a matter of second, your throat burning and chest warming up.

“Y/N! It’s been a while. Where have you been?” Jiwon asked you, putting his arm around your shoulders.

“Working” you replied curtly. The boy just laughed at your boorish behavior, used to it by now, and playfully shook your shoulder.

“We’re gonna play ‘never have I ever’. Wanna join?” he asked at your intention but also at Hyunjin’s.

“I’ll pass”, you immediately responded, not in the mood for revealing all your dirty little secrets to strangers. When were you ever in the mood, anyway?

“If you didn’t already know Hyunjin, Y/N is the definition of a party pooper”, Minju slurred as if her mouth was full of marbles. You could already predict the fact that you’ll probably spend the end of your night holding your friend’s hair while she pukes in the toilets. “But I’m sure you’re much more fun than her”.

“It’s really not that hard.” Jiwon added, a teasing smile dancing on his lips.

Hyunjin looked at you as if he was asking your permission to participate in the drinking game. You suddenly felt guilty, realizing you were probably ruining his night by acting so sour. You nodded for him to go and not to worry about you. He smiled back at you as Minju was already grabbing him by the arm to drag him to the living room. He found a seat on the rug, between two pretty girls whose names and faces you couldn’t remember.

After hesitating between staying at the dining table, moping around and binging on sour cream and onion chips, or moving closer to the group of players, you decided to come and seat on the armrest of the sofa to observe the game. Hyunjin’s nervousness seemed to lessen a bit when he saw that you were now just in front of him, only separated by the coffee table filled with glasses, and you could not help but find it adorable. His eyes left yours to find Jiwon’s as he handed him a dark green bottle of beer.

“Okay so here is the twist. We’re gonna play the other way around. I say something I have done and people who never did it must drink. That way goody two-shoes get drunk for once. I’m sure the others don’t need help to get drunk anyways”, the girl on the right of Hyunjin explained and the partygoers approved loudly.

“I’ll start slow. I have had a blackout before” she said, a smile creeping up on her mouth. Hyunjin looked around as if he was waiting for some type of signal. When he saw a few other people drinking, he took a sip of his beer.

As expected, a guy was already bickering with his friend about whether or not he could really remember the time he danced naked on the kitchen counter on New Year’s Eve. With each statement, the players became more and more tipsy, more and more loud. It would usually get on your nerves and you would go take refuge in the bathroom to ease your growing headache, but surprisingly you did not mind the noise.

Probably because all you could pay attention to at the moment was the boy in front of you. You could not help but secretly watch his every move. You hoped nobody noticed you were staring. So far, he had drunk at almost every round. Thankfully it was just beer and not another strong liquor, otherwise he would have been too far gone to even be able to get up on his feet by now.

Your mind started wandering. It was filled with questions only him could answer but that you will probably never ask. You wondered what his life was like. You had never seen someone drink this much during a “never have I ever”. Certainly because people who knew they would be drinking this much usually abstained from participating. But Hyunjin looked like he was having the time of his life losing every single round.

How come someone like him had so little experience? He did not seem like the party animal type, so you weren’t surprised when he took large gulps when a girl said she had thrown up on a friend before and when a guy stated he once fell flat on his face because of how pissed out drunk he was. But how come he never had a long-term relationship nor a one-night stand? How come he never had to hide a hickey? How come he never broke up with someone? How come he never made out in public? To say the boy was a mystery to you would have been an understatement.

His actions were getting clumsier, his laugh getting louder, his lids getting heavier, his cheeks getting redder, yet you were mesmerized. The usual aversion you’d feel towards inebriated teens had magically vanished at his captivating sight. How could someone look this beautiful, even with their guard down?

As he finished his third bottle of beer, the blonde girl on his left was already opening him another one with her lighter. You could barely hear what he was saying to her above the music and the screams, but you sensed that the alcohol was starting to become a bit too much for him as she forced the drink in his reluctant hands.

“I’ll replace Hyunjin” you said, leaping up instantly to everyone’s surprise including Hyunjin’s. He stared at you with big eyes and you suddenly felt dumb, standing here while everybody was slumped on the Persian rug.

“Here comes your knight in shining armor, Hyunjin,” Jiwon said, breaking the awkward silence by laughing loudly as if it was the highlight of his night.

“Are you scared your boyfriend is gonna get out of control, Y/N?” the blonde asked, a smirk dancing on her bright red lips. Hearing your name in her mouth came as a surprise to you since you were pretty sure you had never seen her before. But it’s not like you paid attention to drunk girls at parties. You let out a forced laugh as you got around the coffee table, trying not to crush fingers or knock over red solo cups.

“I’m just way too sober for this shitty party”, you said while you finally managed to plop down gracelessly between Hyunjin and the blonde. You addressed her your biggest, brightest, sardonic smile before you snatched the bottle she was trying so hard to give to the boy from her.

You tried to avoid Hyunjin’s gaze by staring at the round stains left on the wooden table by previous glasses, as if it was the most interesting thing you ever saw. But it was impossible to ignore his presence when your bare shoulder was flushed against his. You suddenly became so aware of how cold your skin was compared to his. You felt your heart beat in your biceps. You secretly damned the vintage muscle tee he was wearing. You would probably have found it ugly on anybody else but, oh god, did it look good on him.

You finally dared to take a look at his face, only to meet his dark hooded eyes. He was looking straight into your soul, making you feel naked, stripped down from your armor. It seemed like any kind of shyness had left him as alcohol had infiltrated his body. You could have sworn he was gradually leaning forward, getting closer to your face inch by inch, second by second. As he suddenly lost his balance, you moved just in time to avoid his head, which ended up bumping against shoulder.

“Woah, sorry” he giggled while he grabbed onto your forearm for additional support. His fingertips were burning your skin, his smile was frying bour brain.

You could see Minju smirking out of the corner of your eyes, making you instantly get a hold on yourself. There was no way you would give your friend the satisfaction of seeing you flustered because of a boy.

“My turn,” you said, after clearing your throat. “I have gone skinny dipping before.”

-----

Hyunjin could not tell how much time had passed until he finally realized you had disappeared when he felt like he was on fire. Your coldness was gone and the little voice inside his head was urging him to go find it again.

He got up, his legs wobbly as if he was walking with high heels on quicksands, and wandered down the corridor. The alcohol had his head buzzing. He could not trust his senses anymore, his eyes were playing games, twisting and blurring his surroundings. Thankfully, there were no countless doors leading to dark rooms filled with strangers making out. Just your usual messy bedrooms and small bathroom, making it a lot easier to find you.

When he turned the silver knob of the second door, he was immediately warned by the scent of burnt tobacco. He could make out your figure, standing on the small balcony. Your features were lit by the moonlight. The smoke coming from your cigarette was creating shadows on your face and the fresh wind was blowing in your untamed baby hair. For the first time you looked soft, almost fragile.

You only seemed to notice his presence when he tripped on the windowsill, making a blaring noise that echoed into the empty street. Even though he was drunk, he could still see you were repressing a laugh.

“You look like you’re having fun” you said, backing onto the balustrade and crossing your arms over your chest, your halfway smoked cigarette stuck between your index and middle fingers.

“Yeah. Thanks for bringing me” he responded, climbing onto the bar of the balustrade like a kid would do to be able to look outside despite his small height. He did not know he had vertigo until he looked down the 5 stories. You grabbed him by the arm, pulling him back to the ground as his head was spinning.

He stole your cigarette and brought it to his lips to take a drag. He immediately regretted his decision when the smoke burnt his esophagus, making him almost choke. He gave it back to you with a sheepish smile. But you seemed amused by his childish antics.

“My friends seem to like you a lot”, you said, ignoring his embarrassing attempt at acting like a bad boy. “I’d say even more than they like me”.

“No, they don’t” he snorted.

“Yes, they do” you chuckled. You took a long drag of your cigarette as you turned around to look at the moon. A cloud of smoke escaped your lips and nostrils, tingling Hyunjin’s unaccustomed nose. “But don’t worry. That was the reaction I was hoping for when I invited you.”

Hyunjin’s eyebrows furrowed. He could not quite comprehend what you were meaning by that and the alcohol flowing through his veins was probably not helping.

“I knew they would pay attention to you and not me. It’s a win-win situation. You’re having a great time and they’re leaving me in peace for once. I don’t think I would have been able to put up with another ‘why are you so quiet’ or ‘smile a little more’ comment”, you explained, addressing him a small smile. He noticed you were trying hard to hide a certain form a sadness, but it shone through your steel mask anyways. He could see it in the way your eyes would linger for too long on the accumulated ashes and your breath would shake.

“You really hate them, huh?” He realized his question was gauche a second too late. A silence settled in between the two of you, only disrupted by the sound of the wind blowing in the trees. The moon was almost full and there was no cloud in the navy sky to soften the light it shone on you.

“I don’t hate them. I hate the way they make me feel”, you finally admitted as if you were dying to say those words out loud for so long.

“How do they make you feel?” Hyunjin inquired hesitantly.

“Like I’m out of place” you said. “Have you ever felt lonely in a room full of people? I feel that way each time I show up to those parties. That is why I stopped coming. The worst thing is my friends try so hard to make me feel like I belong here, to the point that it becomes annoying. They keep on inviting me and dragging me everywhere they go. Yet, it doesn’t work.” You sighed heavily and flicked the ash at the tip of your cigarette. “The problem is not them. It’s me”, you muttered to yourself, but Hyunjin could hear the pain in your voice.

“And how do I make you feel?” He dared to ask, preparing himself to have his feelings hurt.

“Honestly? Jealous. I wonder how you do… this,” you said, waving your hand in his face.

“What is “this”?” he giggled.

“Being so charming.” You looked at your shoes, your cheeks flushing red as if complimenting him was the most embarrassing thing you had ever done. He could not help but find your behavior endearing. A teasing smile was painted on Hyunjin’s face, making you roll your eyes. He bumped your shoulder with his to get a laugh from you. He felt relieved to see you finally smile.

“You’re gonna probably roll your eyes at what I’m gonna say but there aren’t only good sides to being well-liked” he started hesitantly.

Your reaction pushed him to continue. It looked like he had all your attention, like you were genuinely interested in knowing how he felt. It had always been hard for him to talk about it, even with his members since he didn’t want to be an additional burden. But he found a sense of comfort in telling an almost total stranger. If truth be told, he felt like he could tell you everything at this exact moment.

“I’m always wondering if the person they like is the real me or the front I’m trying to put up every single day. I’m scared they’ll find out who I really am and get bored of me. Or even worst, disgusted by me”. He was so used to hiding every single one of his flaws. A perfect man, that is what he was always asked to be. Perfect skin, perfect hair, perfect outfit, perfect personality, perfect performance. He was taught the smallest misdemeanor would lead not only to his downfall, but his friends’ too. What a heavy burden to carry when you’re still just a lost and confused teenager. “I feel like an impostor.” His members probably felt the same way sometimes, but it was obsessing him. He couldn’t count the number of nights he stayed awake wondering if he really earned his place by working himself into the ground or if was just lucky to be born with a pretty face.

“Then who’s the real you?” you asked quietly. Your eyes were shining in the dark, your long lashes surrounding them like the petals of two rare flowers. He felt like he could dive into them, get lost in the abyss and never come back up to the surface, as if he would find the answer to your question there. For a minute, it seemed like he forgot how to breathe, how to think. He finally came back to his senses when you stubbed out your cigarette, breaking the entrancing contact between the two of you.

“An insecure and sensitive drama queen”, he said with a fake solemn tone like a spy revealing his real identity.

“I would love to get to know her somedays” you joked, grinning from ear to ear. How badly he wanted to pinch your pink cheeks right now, to squeeze you so tight you’d pop in his arms.

“How about tonight?”

You spent the next few hours on the small balcony discussing your everyday lives, sharing your guiltiest pleasures, revealing your darkest secrets, keeping each other warm by huddling up. He discovered you were polar opposites. You despised coffee while he would kill for a good iced Americano. Hyunjin enjoyed listening to hip-hop, you preferred rock. You liked old black and white movies while he’d never say no to go see the new marvel one in theaters. He’d always pick sweet raspberry over any other flavor, but you’d choose bitter lemon. You strived at night, when no one was watching, whereas he lived under the constant spotlight, scrutinized by strangers. He felt like the sun and you looked like the moon. He was the summer, warm and welcoming, and you were the winter, cold and impenetrable. You were so far away from each other, worlds apart. Yet, never had he felt this close to someone before. In your presence, he felt at home.

The creaking sound of the door opening interrupted your conversation. “Guys, Yerin is kicking everybody out” Jiwon said. Minju, trying hard to keep her eyes open but loosing miserably against the alcohol and the sleepiness, was gripping the boy’s shoulder tightly, using him as a crutch.

“What time is it?” you asked, getting back inside the bedroom. Hyunjin followed reluctantly. Never had he hated someone more than Jiwon right now for putting an end to such a magical moment. He had to fight the urge to scream at the intruders to go away and leave the two of you alone. But it was too late, the atmosphere had already shifted, and you were back to the usual detached attitude you displayed in public.

“It’s already 3 am. I’m taking Minju back to her place” he answered. You thanked him, obviously relieved not to be the one in charge of taking care of your drunk best friend.

When your group arrived in the living room, Hyunjin saw a girl who was trying to clean up the mess the guests made. He would have offered his help if he had not seen that you were already out of the door, waiting for him. Jiwon and Minju left immediately in a yellow cab that was waiting for them.

Once again, you and Hyunjin were alone, surrounded by the silence of the dark night.

“I don’t wanna go home yet”, he whispered to himself, as he watched the few stars the polluted air of the city allowed him to see, his back pressed against the concrete wall of the building.

“Me neither”, you admitted. His heart jumped in his chest at the thought that you wanted to spend more time with him. His eyes dared to find yours. They were sparkling in excitement. A few hours ago, never he would have hoped to see you react in such a way. Only him seemed to be allowed to see this facet of yours. You made him feel so special.

“Let’s go somewhere else” he said.

“Where?”

That was a good question. Where do teenagers go in the middle of the night if it isn’t to a house party? “I’ve never been to a club before”, he suggested after racking his still foggy brain.

“Let’s make this night a night of firsts then”. Your cold fingers intertwined with his, sending shivers down his spine, as you dragged him in the alley lit by rusty streetlamps.

The night was young and so were the both of you.

-----

You couldn’t fathom how the fuck you ended up in a dingy night club at 3:30 AM, the place you despised the most on earth, right after public toilets and hospitals. Yesterday, a check to your name with at least two zeros would have been necessary to convince you to join the wasted partiers. Today, a sweet smile and a couple more shots of vodka had been more than enough. The effect the boy you met just a few weeks ago had on you was much more important than you would have liked to admit. How far were you capable to go for him if he asked you to? There was something scary about this intense sentiment you never felt before.

Hyunjin had you dancing in the middle of a crowd of total strangers as if nobody was watching. You, the person who was self-aware of every single one of her moves, constantly imagining how she looked in the eyes of the people surrounding her. For the first time, you let yourself truly exhale. You didn’t realize how long you had been holding your breath for.

Your intoxicated blood was pumping in your veins to the rhythm of the music blasting in your ears. Your limbs were moving as they wished, as if they had a mind of their own. The ground, sticky after all the drinks that were spilled on it, seemed to be rippling under your feet. Your whole world was tilting to the right, and then to the left, like a seesaw. Each flash of light felt like an additional shot of adrenaline. Your head was spinning and your vision getting hazier by the minute, making your eyes unable to distinguish the mass of sweaty bodies in the dark. But no matter how dizzy you were, you could still see him clearly.

Like Sirius, the brightest star in the night sky, Hyunjin shone. In a tide of people, you only had eyes for him. His body was moving in the most entrancing way, swinging so effortlessly to the beat of early 2010 hits. You couldn’t help but stare at his glistening neck, his collar bones left uncovered by his white muscle tee, his defined biceps, his swaying hips. Every inch of him seemed to be the work of Apollon.

You knew people were admiring him but you did not care. How could you be mad at them for taking a glimpse of such a beautiful sight? Especially when his eyes were never leaving yours, making you wonder what you did in your past life to deserve even a second of his attention.

You did not know how many hours went by, watching him recreating the most ridiculous dance steps he could remember to make you giggle and listening to him butchering your favorite childhood songs. At some point, you joined him. You screamed at the top of your lungs approximative lyrics that faded into uncontrollable bursts of laugher as he would catch you in his arms, make you twirl around and lift you in the air.

As people were slowly leaving the club, you were coming down from your high. Hyunjin was holding you tighter and tighter, your chest crushed against his, not even an inch separating your bodies, as if he was scared you might vanish if he loosened up his embrace even just a little. You never were the affectionate type, too afraid getting closer to someone would only scare them away. Because this is how you’d normally react yourself. The proximity was terrifying, the intimacy even more. But being in Hyunjin’s arms just felt so right at this moment.

Suddenly, the music seemed to come from another room, so far away, muffled as if your head was underwater. You dared to remove your face from the crook of his neck. You were relieved when you saw his face. Relieved this was not just a dream, this was your present. You were both gasping for air, inhaling and exhaling at the same tempo.

Your fingertips found his right cheek, then grazed his cupid’s bow and finally touched his lower lip. They felt too rough against his plump mouth. No matter how hard you’d try, you would never be gentle enough for such delicate features, for such a pure soul, you thought. You would ruin him, destroy him, tear his heart apart. But then his hand wrapped around yours. He made you press your palm against his burning skin.

His deep brown eyes were screaming ‘You’re enough’. And for once you believed it.

-----

“There is one more thing I want to do tonight” Hyunjin told you.

The fresh breeze had replaced the smell of sweat and alcohol and all kinds of filthy things, as you exited the night club. The dew was already glistening on the blades of grass of the neighboring lawns, like thousands of diamonds. The dark sky, blurred by the morning mist, was just starting to lighten, turning shades of lilac and mauve. The sunrise would be soon, but the streetlights were still on, leading the way. The teenagers that were kicked out of the club looked lost and disoriented as if they had just regained consciousness after an endless dream, stumbling in the city streets at 6 in the morning on a Sunday.

Your makeup was smudged under your eyes, accentuating the dark shadows due to the lack of sleep. Your hair was a mess and your cheekbones red. Yet, the way you were looking at him, eyes sparkling with curiosity, made you look adorable.

“Which way is the ocean?” he asked you.

You cocked your eyebrow in confusion but pointed your thumb to your right anyways, giving up on guessing what he had in mind. He grabbed your hand, his fingers naturally intertwining with yours, and started to run in the direction you indicated, slaloming between the hangover teens.

Not once had he gone to see the ocean since he had arrived here. The loneliness had paralyzed him all this time. But now that you were by his sides, he had the strong urge to feel the sea spray on his face, the sand between his toes. To feel alive after all these days of numbness. And share this feeling with you.

He had to drag you for a few meters before you finally picked up the pace. The further you got away from the night club, the more the streets were deserted, the only living presences you encountered at this hour being stray cats searching for something to eat in the dumpsters.

“Wait” you faintly protested as you were already gasping for air after a few minutes of running.

“We have to hurry before the sun comes up” he told you, holding your hand a little tighter to give you some courage.

-----

When your Doc Martens finally sunk in the humid sand, your lungs were on fire and your heart was about to burst out of your ribcage. The slender boy did not let you catch your breath though. As you were bent in two, hands resting on your weakened knees and chest heaving, you saw Hyunjin taking off his shirt and his muscle tee out of the corner of your eye.

Taken aback by his sudden boldness, you stood back up abruptly. The way Hyunjin smirked at you made you realize you were staring a bit too obviously at his defined torso. You felt your face becoming even hotter when he pulled down his jean shorts. Once he threw his beat-up converse in the sand, only his blue boxers were left. Never in your life a boy’s behavior had made you this flustered.

As your brain was trying to register what was happening, your started to stutter foolishly. But Hyunjin did not leave you the time to ask what the hell he was doing, already sprinting to the ocean. In an instant, the crashing waves swallowed him whole. You tried to catch a glimpse of him, but the foam formed by the sea’s eddies were making it impossible for you to distinguish his figure.

You did not know what took over you, probably the same unknown feeling that pushed you to dance in a filthy club, but here you were undressing hastily on a deserted beach at dawn. You ignored the shivers that traveled down your spine and the goosebumps that were appearing on your legs as you took off your shorts. You kept your large t-shirt on, not brave enough to show your whole body to him. You knew your courage would falter if you took too long to enter the cold water, so you ran and dove, headfirst.

The water felt like liquid ice against your skin, wrapping every inch of you, hugging you dearly. Your whole body went numb. If it wasn’t your stinging cuticles that were raw from the constant biting of your nails, you would have forgotten you were even made out of flesh. Forgotten that your existence did not just consist of a tired soul floating around aimlessly in the limbo. At last, everything felt so serene and at peace.

Ever since you learned how to swim, you had always loved the ocean. The feeling it procured you was still unrivaled to this day. It was better than alcohol, better than drugs, better than sex. Underwater, everything would stop for a moment. Your heartbeat would start to slow down, to the point you weren’t sure you were still alive. Your eyes would cease to see, and your ears would cease to hear. The whole world would go quiet. Those minutes of nothingness were all you wished for. They left you craving for more. But as the years went by, the beach wasn’t the refuge it used to be anymore. It slowly became a place of deep insecurities and social obligations. You stopped going, always declining your friends’ invitations. Only now were you realizing how much you missed the ocean’s embrace.

When your lungs screamed in need of oxygen, you reluctantly swam back to the surface. The void the water left in your heart was immediately filled by Hyunjin’s smile.

“You’re crazy” you told him between two waves, your hands flailing around to keep your head over the troubled water. He beamed at you and you thought you could die happy right now, with the picture of his radiant face in mind.

You both let yourselves float on your backs, the water gently rocking you. The sun was peeking shyly on the horizon, like the flame of an old lighter, gradually turning the shades of blue and mauve into hues of orange and pink. You noticed the faint shadow of the moon, not wanting to leave just yet. Ribbons of golden clouds were now decorating the pale sky. The sea was no longer an abyss of dark blue, but now an infinite expanse of liquid gold, as the sun rays were dancing over its surface.

You were overwhelmed by such beauty, on the verge of tears. You weren’t sure if you had actually started crying or if your cheeks were just wet because of the ocean’s water. The memory of the last last time you watched the sunrise by the sea with your family came back. Your parents were still together at that time and your brother hadn’t left town to go study far away yet. Everything was so simple back then. You used to be so happy, so carefree, so eager. You thought you would never be able to feel this way ever again. You thought the best moments of your life were already behind you.

But Hyunjin proved you wrong. For the first time in years, you didn’t regret yesterday nor fear tomorrow. You didn’t think about the stupid shit you did at a party last year nor what you were going to do with your boring degree once you graduated. You didn’t wish time away, finally savoring the moment. You felt so alive by his side.

You didn’t know how long you were floating, watching silently the sky changing colors. Minutes, hours, months, years, an eternity had passed. When you finally got back on your feet, your fingers were all pruned. As you were about to get out of the water, Hyunjin grabbed your wrist. “There’s one last thing I want to do tonight” he told you.

“It’s not nighttime anymore,” you teased him.

But Hyunjin did not seem to be in the mood to joke around. The way he was staring at you so intensely made your chest ache in apprehension. He pulled gently on your wrist to bring you closer. So close you were able to see the droplets of water that clung onto his long eyelashes. The sunrise had turned his deep brown eyes into cognac-colored ones, shades of orange and amber tinting his irises. His tan skin was glowing, and you couldn’t help but wonder if he was really a human or an otherworldly creature. Your breath hitched in your throat that had suddenly gone dry.

“Alright,” you said, in a voice that was quieter than you expected. You cleared your throat, trying to regain your composure. “But I swear to god, Hyunjin, if you ask me to jump off a cliff I - “

You were cut off by his plump lips, pressing softly against yours. Hyunjin kissed you tenderly, carefully, as if you were made of crystal. He tasted like salt and vodka, like holidays and sunshine. At this moment, you felt whole, complete. But he pulled away only seconds after, much to your dismay. His expectant eyes found yours. He seemed to be waiting for a response that would hopefully calm his nerves.

You wanted to scream ‘what were you waiting for all this time?’ but instead you just kissed him back, craving the feeling of his mouth on yours so badly. Your hands trailed up his shoulder and cupped his cheeks. The kiss grew more intense as his arm wrapped around your waist, pulling you harder against his damp skin. Heat bloomed in the pit of your stomach, spreading ineluctably to the rest of your body. Hyunjin’s prior hesitation was long gone. His lips moved urgently, kissing you so hard you would have probably lost your balance if he wasn’t holding you this tight.

Your fingers pulled on his hair tie to free his bleached strands. You were finally able to run your fingers through his wet hair. You had been dying to do so all evening. You couldn’t help but tug slightly at the rough ends. You thought your heartbeat couldn’t get any faster until a soft moan escaped his lips, sending you over the edge.

Your head was spinning endlessly. Your mind was monopolized by the thought of him. Every bit of your sanity was out the window. You loved his blond hair that was a little too long. You cherished his delicate nose. You adored his full lips. You treasured the beauty mark under his eye. You worshipped his whole being.

When it all became too much for your body to handle, you reluctantly broke the kiss. You were both panting, breathing the same air as his forehead stayed pressed against yours. His thumb was rubbing slowly against your jaw and you couldn’t help but lean into his soothing touch. He looked so glorious, his eyes half-closed, and his lips swollen, that if you had listened to the mischievous voice in your head you would have devoured him at that very moment. But Hyunjin noticed the goosebumps that had spread across your arms and the way you were shivering. He finally became aware of the freezing waves that kept crashing against your thighs.

“We should go dry off before we catch a cold” he said to you with the sweetest smile, before leading you out of the water, his hand never leaving yours.

Just now did you realize how bad of an idea it had been to swim with your shirt still on. It was clinging onto every inch of your body, the salt making it even more uncomfortable. There was no way it would be dry before several hours, especially with the sun this low on the horizon. Once Hyunjin reached the pile of clothes you left on the sand, he handed you his linen shirt awkwardly and turned around to let you change. You couldn’t help but giggle at his adorable gesture.

You made sure nobody was watching, undressed as quickly as your sticky t-shirt allowed you to and put his shirt on. It was soft against your skin and smelled like his cologne. Hyunjin had taken the opportunity of you turning your back on him to put his tee and shorts back on. You laughed when you realized that he went commando, his dripping boxers still in his hand.

He tried to distract you from his blushing face by letting himself fall to the ground. You joined him, with a loud sigh, stretching you out on the golden sand that had just started to warm up. It was the first time in 24 hours that you were lying down but your eyes wouldn’t close.

“I can’t believe you never asked what my name was and just waited around to know it” Hyunjin laughed, interrupting your daydream.

You rolled on your stomach and leaned on your elbow so that you could look at him. “You didn’t ask what mine was either!” you exclaimed, on the defensive. But his infectious laugh only ringed louder in your ears. “I was stressed out, okay?” you pouted.

“Did I make you flustered?” he smirked.

“Of course, you did!” you said like he had stated the obvious. “It’s not that often that a cute boy comes to the store every single day to buy freaking raspberry popsicles…”

“Maybe I didn’t only come to buy popsicles.”

“Oh really? I would have never thought,” you said ironically.

“Not gonna lie, I was kind of shocked that you finally talked to me” he said while his fingers tucked a piece of hair that was falling over your face behind your ear lovingly.

“Was I that scary?”

“Terrifying” he joked. You rolled your eyes and put his arm around you so that you could rest your head on his chest.

“Okay let’s start all over. Hi, my name is Y/N.” you said sticking out your hand for him to shake.

“Nice to meet you Y/N. My name is Hyunjin. Can we make out now?” he giggled, and you couldn’t help but hit him playfully.

You both grew silent as you admired the sky changing color. You snuggled your face in the crook of his neck, looking for his warmth. You wondered how he was always so warm, how he felt like pure sunshine. You thought you could spend your whole life here, just the two of you, laying on a beach at dawn, listening to his steady heartbeat, him playing with your wet hair. You would have wanted to catch this feeling in a bottle: happiness.

“Summer breaks aren’t so bad after all,” he whispered.

-----

Hyunjin’s shoulder had gone numb a long time ago but he didn’t dare to move, not wanting to disturb such a peaceful sight. You were sleeping, your mouth slightly agape, air coming in and out of it steadily. But when he felt like he would have to be amputated if he stayed like this one more second, he scooped up your head gently to put it on the sand. Unfortunately, your puffy eyes opened as soon as his skin wasn’t in contact with yours anymore, as if your body couldn’t bear to be separated from his.

“What time is it?” you asked groggily, trying to cover your face from the sun that was already a lot higher in the blue sky.

He took his phone out of his pocket, careful not to put any sand on it. “8:47” he said.

“I really gotta go”, you sighed. But you didn’t get up.

You looked so comfortable, laying there, hugged by the warm sand. Your whole body, which used to look lifeless, was now bathing in sunlight. White linen had never looked this good, he thought. The way his shirt was draping over your figure mesmerized him. Your delicate collarbones were peeking right above the collar. He noticed every freckle on your face, every mole on your body, every stretchmark on your hips, every hair on your arms and legs. He loved all of it. He had to repress the urge to caress your skin, too scared he might go crazy if he did.

You finally decided to move, much to Hyunjin’s dismay. You emptied your boots of all the sand that had found its way in them before putting them back on. Hyunjin had never seen someone struggle this much to tie up their laces before. You both managed to stand up, despite the exhaustion and the soreness.

“And I really need some Advil” you said, wincing in pain once you were on your feet. Your head must have been pounding, just like his, after this long night of partying.

“Piggyback ride?” he offered, and you smiled. He collected all your clothes before he let you jump onto his back. You had a hard time doing it, having no strength left in your legs, but after a few attempts and a fit of laughter, Hyunjin managed to hook his arms under your thighs. He took one last look at the turbulent ocean, in order to imprint this moment in his memory, before returning to the streets.

You acted like a GPS, indicating him the fastest way to get to the closest subway station. He had never seen a GPS be this confused though: you were changing your itinerary every two seconds and he was starting to wonder if you really knew were you were going. But the ways your arms were wrapped around his shoulders, your breath was caressing his cheeks and your hair was tickling his neck were totally making up for how exhausted he felt from carrying you for so long.

Once you finally reached the subway entrance after this long journey, he let you get down. Your hurtled down the stairs as you heard the loud screeching of the train getting closer.

As expected on a Sunday morning, the car was almost empty, so you easily found two seats. You let your head fall onto Hyunjin shoulder.

He couldn’t help but think about your previous ride. About how different it felt. About how world-weary you used to seem as you were staring out the window. It had only happened 12 hours earlier, but it seemed like eternity had passed since.

Sure, you still looked tired. But it was now a different kind of tiredness. The one that inevitably came after the excitement. The one you were trying so hard to fight not to miss any second of what the universe had planned for you. The one that was making you grin from ear to ear even though your eyelids were getting heavier. The one that meant you were still alive.

“I think this is my station,” you suddenly told him, interrupting his sweet reverie.

You got up in a hurry and as your body got away from his, Hyunjin felt like someone had ripped off a part of him. You grabbed your still dripping shirt with the tips of your fingers. You stood up before him for a second, your expression unreadable, before making your way to the already opening doors.

But just before you reached them, you stopped dead in your tracks as if you had forgotten something. You walked back to Hyunjin and leaned in to press a chaste kiss on his lips. A goodbye kiss that tasted so sweet. Your hand caressed his jaw soflty and he couldn’t help but notice how your skin was a little warmer than the usual.

The beeping of the doors startled the both of you. You rushed out just in time, giggling like a child. His heart broke a little when the doors closed behind you. You stayed on the platform while the train was leaving, waving your hand at Hyunjin. You looked like an angel in his white shirt that was fluttering in the wind, grinning candidly from ear to ear.

He did not know then it would be the last time he saw you.

You didn’t come to work on Monday and Hyunjin left for Seoul on Tuesday.

He didn’t know your number nor your address.

He didn’t even know your last name.

All the sudden, it seemed like you never existed. All he had left was the memory of you and surely this memory, one day, will become so old that Hyunjin himself will doubt of its reality, without any other witness to confirm it. He will probably think you were a creation of his lonely mind, a dream, a mirage.

Who will even believe him when he would tell his first love story?

But there was one thing he was sure of. He will never forget the look on your face.

Never forget how you finally seemed happy.

#stray kids #stray kids scenarios #stray kids fic #stray kids fluff #hyunjin fic #hyunjin fluff #stray kids imagines #hwang hyunjin #stray kids au #hyunjin au #stray kids fanfic #hyunjin fanfic #hyunjin scenario #kpop fanfic #i have literally no idea how youre supposed to tag your fics help

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sly-merlin · 4 years

Text

killing me - 10 |n.y

pairing : law student!reader + yuta

genre : angst , mafia au/ arranged marriage au , smut

warnings of this chapter : cursing, explanatory mention of a pistol!

words :: 5.3k

summary : “life’s never fair y/n. realise it as soon as you can . it is the only secret for living a regretless life.”

“ curiousity got the cat hitched”

taglist :: @kpop-choco @moon-yuta @kawaiiayasan @btm-taeyong @exfolitae @lanadreamie @cheersskznct @hyuckiesgf @theworld-accordingtocasey @yiyi4657 @sorrywonwoo @sillywinnergladiator @suhweo @minejungwoo @leesalts @mal-nakamoto23 @ro2424

@kafenetwork @neowritingsnet

K.M masterlist

k.m9 next

Previous night

“What the fuck were you spitting out there hmm! Have you lost your mind? Why aren’t you answering me you shit!”

jaehyun avoided prying when mark and yuta were arguing but he couldn’t keep it in anymore. mark shifted the gears to park the car in the middle of nowhere, tense silence hugging all of them. jaemin was annoyed with jaehyun’s endless remarks at mark but it was hyuck who was most confused as he was unable to form any kind of judgement.

“why did you stop the car now? Its midnight-

“can you stop drunk talking hyung. I can’t drive like this!”

“I’m very sober. Its you whose brain is dead mark. Did you even notice yuta’s face when you-

“just stop hyung. I’m not ashamed of what I said there. I stand by each and every word! Now can we go back home or do you have anything else?

“you can’t be real! He has done so much for you all these years and this is how you repa-

“yes exactly! He has made so many sacrifices for me all these years, that’s why its my responsibility to show him the right way that he is clearly not following at all and you all are partly responsible for it! You are feeding his selfish ego by showing him hollow sympathy but that’s gonna bite him in the ass at end.”

“woah woah tiger. So what you gonna do? Instruct him how to live his life. Are you making him realise that he doesn’t hate y/n when he clearly cant stand her presence for even a minute and by some miracle, even if you end up pacifying yuta, then what about that cold hearted queen! She’s just here t-

“she is not here on her own! And I am not going to repeat myself, so fix it in your head hyung. She is not here to replace anyone!! Yuta hyung just hates the thought of her coerced and fortuitous presence in his life and I’m not trying to create a miracle here. I just want our lives back to normal and I’ll go to every extent to make it possible!” his chest heaved up and down as the anger subsided a bit, his heart feeling at ease after getting his thoughts out. Jaehyun only scoffed at him.

“you are too naïve markie. This is not how emotions work.”

“this is the only way emotions work hyung!” with that said, he shifted the gear, driving on the road with the same silence lurking again but he felt better. much better.

“who do you think is right?” hyuck whispered in jaemin’s ear, in the hope that he would solve his dilemma.

“I don’t know but I’d love if she stays forever. We are missing one member anyway” he whispered back earning a small tight lip smile from donghyuck who fell into a deep slumber right after that.

Slowly he moved himself to the other side, bruised elbow secured in his hand, grunts exiting him. You knew you were fucked up as soon as his cold eyes fell upon you.

“I guess it’s my time to call taeyong.” He glared, the strong eye contact not lasting for too long as he tried to lift himself up from the floor.

Meanwhile you kept observing him, biting your left thumb, feet glued to the ground. your eyes followed his hobbled travel from the kitchen to the couches from where you heard his long sigh of relief as he placed his leg on the table while stroking his knee. his head fell on the couches and suddenly your conscience kicked in while watching his painful expressions. You found yourself sluggishly walking out of the kitchen with careful steps to avoid the spill, sleepiness fading away.

Yuta’s scraped elbow was in the vision as you neared him. He was still nursing his knee, elbow forgotten by now. Maybe it was the momentary pain! you deliberated about asking him first but then remembered that you don’t have to communicate with him to show that you were still human! So you quietly went to bathroom to find your first aid kit that you placed somewhere the day you settled your stuff. It was not easy to locate it with the lack of cooperation of your hands and mind in the current state, but still you tried your best.

With same motion you went back. Yuta’s hand was still cupping the knee but his features seemed to be much more peaceful than before. But you still approached hesitantly and placed the box on the table, near his foot.

“have a seat please. We have some unfinished business here beautiful!” he sneered, signalling you to sit beside him.

“no thanks. I have work to do.” You tiredly replied, moving away.

“I.Said.Sit.Here! I also wanna experience the thrill of whinning like a baby!

“oh please , I have nothing to fear! Just call him already. I’ve work to do!” you told him in stern voice while circling the table to sit far away from him.

Yuta smirked a little at your show of bravery when anyone could see right through you at the moment. Your eyes were half shut, shoulders slumped down but still upright when it came to fighting him. But yuta clearly knew he had the upper hand this time.

Or he thought!

Your heartbeat sped up with each ring. Very dramatically , yuta had put the phone on speaker to prove his point.

After 5 rings, tayeong picked up and so did your pulse.

“who it is?” a yawn filled voice was heard from the other side.

“are you still sleeping bitch?” yuta inquired with annoyance.

“ye-yes. We cleared the month last night so everyone is sleeping. What el-

“just wake up! I’ve something important to tell!”

“later. I’m bus-

“its about your precious y/n!”

“is she gone?” it sounded like he was suddenly awake!

“tsk tsk. The fuck is your problem? Do you even care about my wellbeing or should I find a new father!” yuta growled at him, his voice pierced through your ears.

“I’ll call her myself!”

“like she would tell you about her plan to lay my 6 feet under the ground!”

Yuta heard a deep sigh from the other side.

“this story better be good coz I don’t wanna lose my sleep ov-

“this is not a story. She spilled water to make me slip and –

“and kill you. what kind of man dies after a little slipping! Huh!”

“have you adopted her or something taeyong! Your attitude is fucking me up. Can you hear me for once or do you-

“what do you wanna say exactly! That you slipped and broke your legs and arms. Make it believable yuta. She might be a bit bitchy but can’t be that evil.”

“so I am a bitch!” your sleepy and cold voice interrupted.

“no no , I meant-

“It was unintentional. i didn’t even know he was home. And it was him who decided to barge in when I was finding food. He was not even invited into the kitchen in the first place!”

“but I got hurt and it was because-

“hurt? you mean as in injured! Oh god. You can’t come back then. take leave for a few days if you are hurt badly and call jun , he’ll be there with medicines and bandages. Consider this an extension of the suspension but you aren’t leaving the hous-

“fuck you taeyong! I hope you die in your sleep!!”

Slamming the phone on the table, he pulled at his roots, lidded eyes boring into you.

“you’ll pay for this.” his finger threateningly pointed towards you.

You let out a yawn before getting up to leave the space to him,

“whatever just don’t finish the spray bottle. Its new”

After that you didn’t hear anything from yuta or anyone.

And it just went like that for 2 more weeks!

“why don’t you shift to the dorms for two months! You can hang out with minjun while he complete his reports.”

“so you want me to lose my sleep and baby your baby?” you snickered, slurping the soup a bit louder this time.

“I’m not a baby!” minjun whined.

“oh you are!” a collective response resounded through the room and your reached out to pet minjun’s hair but he swatted your hand away in annoyance.

“no seriously shortie. You’d be alone for a whole month. Even chelin is going home this time. you can spend some time with junie and he’d treat you to homemade food Is it tempting enough?” jungkook suggested.

“not that I’m any interested in the offer but I can teach you the Japanese you were talking about earlier.” At minjun’s comment, everyone raised their brows, silently questioning your new interest.

“what? You all are so nosy. My new roommate is always dissing me in Japanese and I can’t answer that fucker coz I don’t understand anything he spits out at me.”

“HE?” another group chant resonated.

“why is your roommate a man?” yugyeom added.

“because he was born a man!”

“haha very funny y/n l/n. what’s his name and is he from our university?”

“his name is nakamoto yuta and no, he’s not a student. And before you enquire, he’s home only for like few hours so you don’t need to worry him being a pervert or anything.”

“where is your new residence anyway?” you almost choked at yugyeom’s sudden interruption but it confirmed your suspicion that jungkook hadn’t revealed anything yet.

“instead of me, shouldn’t you love birds be worried about the unbearable separation that’d last for a whole month. How are you gonna cope with it gyeom? Especially when yeong is going to be in Incheon and you in busan, stuck with the sweaty sports team and jungkook, who’d be slapping with you with kisses every now and then, thinking you are min-

A shove of dumpling into your mouth caused you to inhale back all the words that were supposed to leave.

“if you don’t wanna meet, then atleast call him daily after your moon internship and he can also accompany you to busan if you want.”

The colour of the air faded at the mention. Slowly, you swallowed the piece in your mouth , instantly finding a distraction to lighten the mood.

“why are these so delicious?”

Rummaging through the empty boxes, jungkook found the pamphlet and shoved it in your face which you curled into a ball and threw towards minjun, hitting him right in the face.

“yaa jun. keep it safe. We’ll order while watching movies and take keys of this house from your boyfriend,” you ordered, pointing to jungkook, “and his Netflix password and his wallet and if he allows, his car ke-

“shut your mouth love-hater!” jungkook exclaimed while stuffing your mouth with two dumplings. And everyone else just laughed at your troubled state, silently agreeing with jungkook’s statement.

What a good day to be a foodie!

Three days!

Taeil had granted you three days to de-stress yourself before you’d be joining your so called trainer for a self defence training program of two months. You wondered who could it be but it was definitely not the person you wished for! Johnny had been in france since two weeks, right from the day your exams started. He left his phone at home but he did contact you through a payphone to wish luck for exams. Since then, it’d been complete silence from the other end. You didn’t even know whether you really missed his presence or just the thought of being with someone who really showed some care for you.

eat, tv, sleep repeat seemed to be a very reasonable routine! your happiness had elevated when you saw a notification of chois about a job opening. Though you wanted to start from an internship in the main office but a moderate salary job as an assistant researcher of a junior lawyer wasn’t so bad as well!

no. actually it was awful seeing how much over-qualified you were for this job but with all the diminishing digits in your wallet, there was some significant scope for the bargain in your situation. But you still had to wait for 2 weeks for the acceptance of your application that would take you a step closer to your dream. Just two more weeks!

Is he still alive, you thought before leaving the kitchen, ready to finish the homemade meal.

High on a happy chemical , you cooked yourself ramyeon and eggs and completed your fancy dinner with a bottle of coke.

While slipping out of the kitchen , your eyes fell on the clean sink reminding you of the presence that you hadn’t felt since the last week.

“I’ll accompany jeno. We’ll be done in two minutes” yuta proposed with a lopsided grin.

The place was more livelier with yuta’s return. Not that he wasn’t already present, but the day he returned to his usual routine was when everyone got their sunshine back. He acted like nothing has changed but still noone could ignore his overcautiousness. He was engaging too much as if to make up for the lost time and not that anyone objected for they were happy to see the old yuta with old ways. Just something was odd!

While most of them were oblivious, others understood what he was hiding behind that façade. They had noticed how he took late night activities just to avoid being sent home or how he took jaehyun and mark with him to avoid any interaction with you.

But the most irksome was how day by day,he was drifting apart from taeyong.

“do you wanna take him home?” taeil snapped his fingers in front of your eyes as you registered his words. You were looking or shamelessly staring at the face of the man. He was dangerously tall as compared to you but his face was shining brighter than the sun itself. Your head snapped towards him again as taeil went on,

“don’t stare like you are gonna eat him y/n.” jungwoo eyes were dancing in the whole room as he avoided your curious ones. You didn’t mean to be creepy but you were having a hard time believing that the man sitting in front of you was a street fight champ and a former drug lord’s son. He seemed too….human.

“who’s staring?” you feigned innocence, looking at taeil.

“way to go advocate!” he said before continuing , “as I told you, jungwoo is a trained fighter, assassin and has a strong grip on pistols. Seeing what you can carry, a pistol is best for you. and jungwoo is a softie here so he won’t even give you a scratch during the training. But you have to actually listen to him or I’ll assign someone that won’t go easy on you.

“like?”

“like ten or jeno, they both don’t have any control over where they are hitting once they start so either you can cooperate with jungwoo or be ready to break some of your limbs.”

“how subtle taeil. but I can work with him.” you smiled at jungwoo which was returned with a shy one.

“okay then. Take care of each other and if you need anything then I’m not home.” Ad with a wave , he was gone.

“what do you wanna start with?” jungwoo asked in a small voice.

“you are teacher so whatever you say.”

“okay them. we’ll start with grip practice.” He got up, signalling you to follow him.

You ended up in a small part of the basement. It was divided into two sections with a glass used as the separation. Raw grass kind hard padding was attached to the walls on the both sides. On the other side of the wall were pasted two targets looking like giant sized dart boards that you suppose were for the practice.

While you were glancing around, jungwoo came back with a small metal box. He opened it to reveal a matt black pistol that looked even smaller when he held it.

“you can’t start with a semi-auto one just yet so for basics this is good for you. though I’m here but please don’t drop it. it belongs to taeyong hyung and he doesn’t know it’s here so please don’t mention it either.” He pleaded in a soft voice to which you found yourself nodding, copying his motion.

“so , you don’t need to memorise every part of a pistol but remember the few terms so if you ever held a new gun or pistol, someone can instruct you as to the handling of it.” you kept nodded as he went on,

“this is the exposed barrel, slide stop, safety lever , trigger and trigger guard and the most important magazine, if its empty ,your body would become the home of enemy bullets. Try clicking the safety lever!”

You did as he instructed. For about thirty minutes, he taught about pulling the barrel that drained your wrists of all the strength they had. He let you go only when he was sure you won’t forget the basics, atleast not until tomorrow.

You hadn’t felt this exhausted in your life as much as you did in the last week. If Thesis research and jungwoo’s lessons were not enough then minjun’s new found love of photography was surely doing its work on your body. Who knew holding flowers and leaves for aesthetic photos was so much draining! And the time you were alone at home was spent sleeping and that too only if yuta and his gang were not screeching out their lungs, fighting with someone online with no regard for the well-being of others in the house. You knew he was aware of his actions but with zero communication, even you didn’t bother pointing him out.

But when had avoidance created peace!

12:30 p.m

As you flipped the glossy leaves of the photo album, the three humans behind that transparent film seemed to come alive, albeit in your memories. Pausing at every page, you tried to live those moments once again ,just like every year. Though you and that photo album were bound by a thread of sadness, the memories it contained made you feel immense joy that was incomparable for you.

The small album was the only memory that reminded you of the family you had once! and today was the day you’ll go to meet them again.

Busan was not that far away but the location of the graveyard added a whole hour to the already 3 hour long journey. You were supposed to meet your orphan warden at the station directly and like every year she'd be accompanying you to Busan so you could meet them. Even though you were a grown-up now , she didn't had the heart to let you go alone. So it had became a tradition.

After memorizing every picture, you got up to get ready for the long journey. Taeil had excused you for this weekend so there were no worries from his side. you rotated the doorknob to open but it didn’t budge.

You shoved your body against the door but nothing happned! Though you didn't want to rely , there was only one option left!

"yuta!" You shouted in a hope that his lazy ass would respond but silence replied instead.

"yuta! Can you hear me. I'm locked!" You tried again, both shouting and trying the knob, banged the door but none worked in your favour.

Then realisation dawned on you! Why won't he hear anything when he was right outside the room! because he didn't want to!

"yuta I swear I'm gonna kill you! let me out!"

Raking your hands through your hair, you decided to find your phone but it looked like the whole universe was conspiring against you as the phone was not in the room. you had probably left it on the kitchen counter earlier. The only communication you had was with yuta and he was not listening to you , delibrately!

Your fist met the door with all the power you could muster but only the echo was heard which fainted within few seconds.

"fuck you yuta" you mumbled dejectedly before throwing yourself on the mattress. Contempt filled your heart as you watched the fan moving endlessly and your mind grasped the reality that maybe you won't be visiting them. Not if he didn't open the door. But he couldn't lock you for years!

And whenever that door opens , you'll make sure to close it forever.

"eat slugs , haechan!" Yuta exclaimed into the microphone, killing another of haechan's Avatar in the game. He winced as haechan groaned loudly, trying to get some pity out of yuta.

Calling it a day, he teared the headphones away , the sudden silence bringing peace to his ears. Stretching his limbs, he got up but as he trudged for the kitchen, he heard a knock that didn't come from the front door.

He stopped abruptly as if to check if his mind was playing games on him but he heard it again, this time a fainted one.

His stopped in front of your room and slapped his hand against the door , checking his suspicious. Another fast and hard bang came in response and he rotated the knob to open but nothing happened. Forcing his body against the door, a metal dropping sound reached him before the door opened. Without even glancing at you, he leaned and picked up the screws that were stuck in the door hinges. But before he could show you those, you pushed him backward, releasing all the anger at once.

"what the fuck is wrong with you!" Not paying any attention to any of his words, you searched for your phone that you found on the counter and shot your warden an apologetic message. The orphan was near the station so you were sure she won't have waited for more than thirty minutes but you knew she'd have been worried for you.

Quickly working , you called taeyong while running for the main door, a confused yuta following you.

"you are home taeyong?" You asked him while wearing your shoes and exited , ignoring yuta's perplexed questions.

Yuta stood in the doorway, contemplating what the heck he had witnessed!

18:30

Taeyong jerked forward on his chair as you slammed open the door of his office and marched in. When you called earlier , he thought you were going to complain about something that yuta did but the heat of the anger radiating through your body was enough to burn his senses from a distance.

"sit and calm-

"I'm not here to witness your hospitality Lee taeyong. Relieve me of the agreement here and now. my way or your way! I don't wanna live under the same roof wi-

"why are you shouting so much?" Jaehyun interrupted ,entering the room in a swift motion. Following him were few others who might have been awakened by your outburst.

"shut up jaehyun! For once do something with your worthless life" you spit out, eyes boring into jaehyun's.

"can you atleast tell me what has happened!"

To answer taeyong , you moved forward, resting your hands on the head of a chair continued,

"yuta locked me today. My phone was outside in the kitchen. I shouted , pleaded but he didn't open the door for 5 hours. I was supposed to go to Busan but that motherfucker don't ha-

"Busan? Your hometown?" Taeyong disrupted your speech,

"f-for my parents' death anniversary! I was suppose to visit their graves like every year.b-but he chose today of all days to play his little revenge games on me." With broken voice and tears threatening to spill, you managed to proceed,

"i don't wanna live with him anymore. I didn't sign up for this torture. Kill me for all you want but don't try to convince me into staying with that bastard!" Your nails holed into the leather chair, creating small crescents on the surface.

Uncomfortable silence fell over the whole room . As you turned around to leave, you were met with yuta's figure. His hand motioned to reach you but you closed the distance before he could.

"i hope you enjoyed it today!" With venom laced words, you finalised your proposition by flinging the ring straight into his face, his face scrunching at the hit , before walking past him.

"hyun-

Before taeyong could complete, taeil was already was on your heels.

"why do you have to be an asshole yuta?"

" i didn't do anything!" He started as he picked up the ring from the floor, “the door was ja-

“you shouldn’t have stooped so low nakamoto yuta!” tayeong growled with eyes glistening with fire.

“what now?” yuta’s jaw clenched at jaehyun’s nonchalant words. Pocketing his annoyance for him, he opened his mouth to explain himself,

“nothing now ok! I did nothing.i didn’t lock her and certainly didn’t try to forbid from going anywhere. She wa- the door was jammed due to some loose screws. I had to push it so it’d open. I-i-I wasn’t even aware of her plans. Heck, you can ask hyuck. I was playing with him for 6 hours straight. I had headphones in my ears all that time and you know how much hyuck yells. Even if she was stuck, there was not a sound that reached me taeyong. I was as oblivious to all this as much as you all were till now and knowingly, I won’t ever do anything so harsh. You know me very well! don’t you?” he ended with a hopeful question glancing at everyone in the room. With each passing second, his anxiousness elevated at the silent and calculating faces of everyone.

“you don’t believe me, do you?” his broken voice resembled the one they just heard few minutes ago.

“no yuta.i-its not like that . message taeil hyung about all this so he can calm her down.” Taeyong muttered with eyes searching up yuta’s for any malice he might be planning but found nothing. he was innocent.

But yuta panicked at his words, “why? I can explain by myself. It’s not that difficult. I can handle her taeyong.” he turned for the door but taeyong’s words stopped him in his tracks.

“you think so! You should be glad you are alive yuta”

“then release us taeyong. I’m begging you, LET HER GO!” the shout that echoed was enough to send shivers through every living being in the vicinity.

“I will. If taeil hyung say so. Message him yuta and you should know I don’t repeat my words without expense!”

He did as told, head hung low to avoid the pity looks that were thrown his way!

“don’t follow me taeil!”

“I’ll stop if you’ll stop!” taeil politely replied, tracking your steps on the sidewalk. He tried to obstruct your way but ended up following you instead. 15 minutes had passed since you both left the house but your anger was not simmering down and you were stunned at his patience.

“you can’t walk till university.” You deadpanned.

“neither can you.”

Stopping abruptly, you faced him, “you can’t stop me taeil.”

“I won’t. but the bus driver would. Even pretty girls don’t get a free ride home.” You groaned at his unnecessarily true words. He was right, you had nothing on you except for the phone.

He silently observed your slumping body, before walking a step closer to check the waters. When you didn’t push him away, he lightly took your hand in his, tugging you to come along.

“I don’t wanna go with you.” your hushed voice gave him some courage to proceed further,

“we aren’t going home. Lets just sit”

He dragged you to the park you had passed just five minutes ago. Sitting on the bench , he asked you to explain everything that had happened in the last 6 hours. You recited the whole story till the end where you threw the ring at yuta. Taeil only hummed in response when he heard a buzz from his phone.

Reading yuta’s message , he suddenly knew where to start!

“read this y/n.” he said before giving you the phone.

You absorbed each and every word written. It made sense. But did it?

“he’s lying.” You scoffed , returning the phone.

“he’s not.”

“ofcourse you’ll take his side.”

“and why would I do that?”

“he’s your brother”

“and you are my sister”

“no I’m not. I never would be.” You retorted, hiding the effect his words had on you.

“I might not be your brother but you can’t stop me from calling you my sister and I’d prefer you over yuta anyday.”

“but you still think I’m lying and he’s right”

Taeil massaged the back of his neck, clearly getting annoyed by your snapping.

“when did I say you are lying? I just said he’s not lying.”

“isn’t it the same thing?”

“no its clearly not. You just don’t wanna admit that you misunderstood!”

Uncrossing your legs, you faced him, “ because I am not in the wrong here. he is ! he did it so he can have the house all to himself while I’m locked. The truth is he hates my guts. He wont ever pass an opportunity against me!”

“and like you love his guts! Your hatred for him is the reason that you don’t wanna believe he’s innocent. Your heart wants to believe that everything that had unfolded after that night is yuta’s fault. You don’t wanna believe because you just don’t want to! You are rejecting his reason because your mind says its the perfect chance to break taeyong! your anger and emotions are playing games with you and you are letting them! and this is exactly what yuta had been doing from the very first day! He’s no different than you. No matter how much you discard it, the truth won’t change! Impulsive actions lead you nowhere!” His polite yet authoritative voice was providing inputs that you didn’t want to believe. Not yet.

“I just wanted to go to busan taeil. If he hadn’t been home the-

“if he hadn’t been home , then you would not have even made it out! And I’m sure you have heard him playing games. He’s a loudspeaker and believe me haechan is yuta part two. I’m sure he didn’t hear you.”

“but why would anyone even care! I’m the one at loss here.”

“what loss. Just because you missed it today doesn’t mean you can’t go tomorrow and If you want i can take you there. we can go right now! But y/n , loved ones live in your heart!. You don’t need a day to show them your respect and love. They know you and they watch over you. don’t crumble under the weight of customs and rituals. We’ll go tomorrow morning. Be ready by 8 a.m !” his soothing voice managed to calm the storm but you weren’t going to budge from your first condition.

“I don’t wanna go back with him.”

He sighed heavily before pressing his phone to his ear,

“taeyong. replace yuta in france. For two months and I don’t want any further discussion.”

You sniffled, finally letting out the tears that were in the waiting since the morning.

“I can drop you to the dorm for tonight until he packs his stuff and you can go back home tomorrow. Sounds right?” he described his plan , petting your hair.

You weakly nodded, letting him ease your worries with sympathetic words that you didn’t even know you needed!

next morning

Uncomfortable silence welcomed you as you entered the house. You were told that he was gone and it sounded about right with the present atmosphere.

After finding the fruits, you made you way to the room but stopped in your tracks as you spotted something on the counter.

Three moulded screws were placed on a paper along with the ring that you thought would never be seen by you again. you breath quickened as you read the words on the plain paper

I’m sorry!

What were you supposed to do with it now?

**********************

thank you for reading ! feedback is always appreciated $￣︶￣*$)

🎈

#nct scenarios #nct imagines #neowritingsnet #kafenetwork #nct mafia #nct angst #nct arrange marriage #yuta mafia #yuta angst #yuta arrange marriage #yuta #yuta series #nct series #yuta scenarios

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jaskierswolf · 3 years

Text

A Thirst Like Flames

Part 1/6 - Also on AO3

(Part 2, 3, 4)

Rated E - for smutty reasons. __________

There was an itch prickling over Dandelion’s skin, a constant ache in the pit of his stomach and his mind felt hazy at all hours of the day. He watched the sun creep behind the horizon, quill in hand, the long feather brushing against his cheek, willing for some kind of inspiration, anything to distract him from the never ending lust. He couldn’t help it, he was a young man in his prime and he’d spent the last few months in the wilderness with a rather gorgeous witcher.

They’d barely had enough coin between them to stock up on supplies let alone stay at inns or whorehouses, and Dandelion was really starting to feel it. He hadn’t even had the privacy to have a good wank in days. As much as he adored his new witcher companion, he was ready to drive one of those beautifully made witcher swords through Geralt’s chest. There was only so much they could take of each other’s company and living in each other’s pockets for months on end was taking its toll on the poet.

“Geralt,” he snapped as the witcher prodded the growing fire with a stick, sparks flying into the sky.

The flames bathed Geralt in a soft warm orange glow, casting almost magical shadows over his features. The witcher looked ethereal in the forest, a real creature of the wilds. His shirt sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and Dandelion couldn’t help but stare at the muscles of Geralt’s forearms, muscles he’d seen kill both man and monster like they were nothing but flowers underfoot.

“What is it, Dandelion?” Geralt grumbled, not looking up from the flames.

Dandelion scoffed, pulling his hat from his head and placing it carefully on the ground beside him, smoothing out the feather, relishing in the sensation of the soft bristles between his fingers. It tickled slightly against his sensitive skin, and his traitorous mind imagined what it would feel like for a lover, that definitely didn’t resemble Geralt, to stroke the feather across his naked skin. His cock started to harden in his trousers and he pulled his hat into his lap. “Can you go get some firewood or something, anything, please?” Dandelion hissed, feeling utterly pathetic but if he didn’t get his hand on his cock soon then he was going to go absolutely mad.

Geralt frowned, finally looking up at Dandelion which was the sweetest torture. The witcher’s golden eyes glowed in the dim light of the fire. It was so bloody gorgeous and Dandelion wanted him, and he couldn’t tell whether it was just his frustration or an actual deeper rooted desire. “We have firewood.”

“Yes, well,” Dandelion huffed with a flick of his wrist “wouldn’t hurt to get more, my dear witcher.” He swallowed, desperately trying to keep his voice steady. He wasn’t going to ruin the adventure of his life by flirting with Geralt and pushing him away.

Geralt snorted, but, praise Melitele, stood up and left the camp. Dandelion watched him go with a tilt of his head, Geralt’s arse a finer view than any sunset, and as soon as Geralt was far enough away, Dandelion tore at the laces on his trousers. He barely had time to spit on his hand, too desperate for his relief, sighing as he finally gripped his cock in his hand.

It didn’t take long to bring himself to completion, muffling his cries behind his hand, teeth sinking into the flesh of his palm. He cursed as he looked down at the mess of his hand and trouser, whining when he saw the state of his poor hat.

“Oh bloody hell,” he grumbled, wiping his hand on the damp grass. Hopefully there was a river nearby and he could clean up properly in the morning.

Geralt, contrary to Dandelion’s belief, had not been nearly far enough away from camp when the poet had lost all control. Witcher hearing was keener than Dandelion realised, and he’d barely left camp before he heard the soft sighs of the poet.

Dandelion’s sweet scent of arousal had surrounded him for days, and it was testing his control. They hadn’t managed to visit a brothel since before meeting Gulet, before Posada and Filivandral and the Edge of the World. The last thing he’d needed was to be followed around by a horny poet who could barely contain his desires. Geralt’s back hit a tree when he heard Dandelion’s muffled moans ring through the forest. The poet was obviously touching himself, and he’d wanted privacy.

Yet Geralt was listening in like a pervert.

He groaned, his own cock starting to ache, begging to be released from the confines of his trousers, but he refused to touch it. He wouldn’t disrespect his friend like that.

“Fuck,” the poet whined. “G- Geralt…”

Geralt’s eyes went wide and his nostrils flared, taking in the heady scent of Dandelion’s arousal. His mind was filled with images of Dandelion’s pretty pink lips wrapped around his cock. He could finally pull Dandelion’s head back by his soft blond hair, kissing the long swan-like neck, biting into his pale skin, marking him as Geralt’s.

“Shit,” he growled, stuffing his hand into his pants. It was rough, and desperate, driven by the cloud of lust that had taken over his mind. The cocky little shit that had run up to him in the tavern, in need of protection, thinking a witcher was his best bet, had completely changed the course of Geralt’s life.

Before he’d enjoyed the quiet of the forest, being at one with the creatures around him, the only conversations he’d had on a daily basis were with his horse, and he’d been happy.

Or so he’d thought.

Dandelion, the beautiful golden poet, had brought music and warmth to his life. Dandelion, a friend he’d never really known he’d needed until he’d met him. Dandelion, the bastard who was fucking masturbating back at camp whilst Geralt hid beyond the trees.

It was pathetic.

Geralt grunted as he spilled over his hand, not enjoying the pleasure of his orgasm, the sensation soured by the knowledge he was doing this in secret, eavesdropping like a coward. Grimacing, Geralt tucked himself back into his trousers. He didn’t deserve Dandelion. He didn’t deserve his light. The poet would be better off without him.

He stalked off into the woods to gather the firewood they didn’t need. At least it would give him time to think, time to process. This needed to stop before they both got hurt, because Geralt would inevitably hurt Dandelion. It was all witchers were good for. His life wasn’t made for one as beautiful and soft as Dandelion.

Geralt was scowling up a storm by the time he came back to camp. It had taken him longer than Dandelion had expected to get the firewood, and the poet was starting to wonder whether his friend had heard him and decided to abandon him in the middle of the forest. It was only Roach’s presence that calmed his fears. The witcher would never leave his precious mare behind. Dandelion had seen Geralt go through hell for that horse, even if she was a stubborn arse that Geralt complained about on a daily basis, and yet he never exchanged her for a more amenable horse.

Geralt was caring and sentimental in that way, not that he would ever admit it, and he’d probably have Dandelion’s neck if the bard ever said the thought aloud.

A blush warmed his cheeks as Dandelion grinned widely at his friend, deciding to ignore the memories of his recent activities. “Geralt!” he greeted warmly “there you are, my friend.”

The witcher growled at that, and Dandelion pouted, pulling at his hair. “It’s late, Dandelion. Go to bed.”

Dandelion scoffed haughtily and put his hands on his hips. Geralt was ruining his good mood. He’d just about driven away that maddening itch of arousal and now Geralt was being all grouchy. It was unbearable. Perhaps Geralt should have taken advantage of Dandelion’s plea for privacy, clearly the witcher was as pent up as he had been.

“I’m not tired,” Dandelion stated.

“I am.”

Dandelion tutted and glared at the witcher as he started to move the bedroll around the camp, making sure they were as far apart as possible. They’d never slept that far apart since the day they’d met. The nights were cold and Dandelion was a cold-blooded bastard, once the fire had cooled to embers he would start to shiver far too soon. Geralt, in contrast, seemed to radiate heat and Dandelion had found himself tangled up with the witcher on more than one occasion.

He sniffed haughtily and mirrored Geralt’s movements, dragging his own bedroll as far away from the campfire as possible. He might freeze to death but it would be Geralt’s fault.

“What are you doing?” Geralt asked.

“Well, clearly you don’t want to be near me, which is quite frankly unfair, rude and completely unwarranted, but I will gracefully respect your wishes and move away.”

Geralt grunted. “You’ll freeze. Don’t be stupid, Dandelion.”

“Stupid?!” he shrieked. “Oh, that is rich coming from you. I’m not the one making a fuss about nothing, and you won’t even tell me what’s wrong. No, no, don’t look at me like that. I am quite aware. You heard me, but I won’t apologise. I have needs, Geralt.”

“That’s not it.”

Dandelion laughed and put his hand on his hips. “Care to elaborate, my dear?”

“No.”

“No of course not. So I’ll be sleeping over here whilst you sulk all the way over there, and you won’t change my mind!”

It didn’t take Dandelion long to regret his decision. Only an hour after the sun had completely faded away behind the horizon, his teeth started chattering. He shivered in his bedroll, and fidgeted restlessly on the ground, trying to stay warm.

Geralt let out a heavy sigh from across the camp. “Come here, Dandelion.”

Dandelion pouted, wanting to stay true to his word but Geralt was offering him warmth and a body pressed against his. How could he say no? He whined and pulled his bedroll back until it was next to Geralt’s, scuffing his feet in protest. He wanted Geralt to know that he was still cross with him despite their new sleeping arrangement.

“I’m sorry,” Geralt said softly “I didn’t mean to listen.”

Dandelion’s mouth dropped, and he turned away from Geralt. The yellow eyes glowing softly in the moonlight could no doubt still see him and he felt exposed, especially as he himself was nearly blind in the darkness. “I thought you were far enough away.”

“Witcher have heightened senses. I would have had to travel a long time before you were out of earshot, and… and I can smell it.” Geralt admitted quietly as Dandelion settled back down, pressing his chest against the witcher’s back. He buried his face between Geralt’s shoulder blades, forcing down the embarrassment.

Of course Geralt could smell it.

Foolish, idiotic, bard. He knew that witchers had tracking abilities beyond that of a normal man.

“You, you can smell it?” He asked softly.

“Yeah.”

“Well shit.”

An awkward silence fell between and Dandelion had to fight back the urge to start humming under his breath. They were trying to sleep now, despite the awkward confessions. Geralt hummed but didn’t respond so Dandelion decided to pretend he’d fallen asleep.

Next time he’d wait until they could find an inn. He didn’t want to lose Geralt over something so stupid.

_____

#the witcher #gerlion #geraskier #geralt of rivia #geralt/dandelion #julian alfred pankratz #wolfie's witcher writing

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drxwsyni · 4 years

Text

Petrified (pt.2)

Yandere Erasermic x f!Reader

SERIES MASTERLIST

a/n: okaayy this took longer to write than i was hoping for but here it is!

4.2k words

Warnings: some harassment, light injury

It amazed you that despite the extreme overuse of your quirk in the past thirty-six hours, you were still able to hold on to a remaining amount of wavering consciousness. You’d like to think it was because you’ve grown stronger after using it so much over the past few years. In reality, it was most likely due to the chilled wind that blew against your form keeping you awake as you walked home, mind still reeling from the events towards the end of your shift.

On a normal weekday the venture back to your apartment would only take roughly fifteen minutes, twelve if you took a few less than safe shortcuts. Now however, the concept of time was not something your short circuited brain could understand. With limbs feeling like they were made of lead, you could only imagine how much longer this ordeal was going to take.

With your brain on autopilot, you let your thoughts wander in hopes that you’d just blank until you reached your destination. That was until you met the familiar alleyway to your left on the sidewalk.

Doing a quick cost-benefit analysis, you deduced that in your state, shaving off a few minutes of travel time with this detour may be crucial if you want to make it home without collapsing before you got there. Although you were aware of the shady business that went down in areas like this, the alleyway was the only option if you wanted to fall asleep in your own bed.

It was pitch black outside, a few dim street lamps serving as the only form of illumination. The alleyway was dark, but there was just enough light bouncing off the walls for you to discern the narrow path ahead.

You made a final decision, turning down the path despite the pit in your stomach that had just begun to form. I just need to focus on getting home, you told yourself, attempting to calm your nerves.

About thirty feet in and you realized just how stupid you were for ever thinking this was a good idea.

On the other side of the alleyway, the only exit to the narrow path, you could just barely see the silhouette of a tall, large figure step into the clearing. Squinting, your clouded brain slowly identified that the person, seemingly a man, was gradually walking in your direction.

By now you were about halfway through the passage. Understanding that the man likely had bad intentions, you pivoted on your heels and sped up back down the way you came.

...At least that’s what you were going to do, but blocking your path, lazily sauntering in your direction were two more equally large statured men.

Just like that your heart sunk into the now gaping pit in your stomach, the feeling giving you whiplash. Frozen in place, you felt your heart pounding as if it were ready to burst right through your chest. It’s okay, just give them your bag and run for it if they try anything, it’s not like you’d lose much anyways.

You looked back around to see the first figure had drawn close, now standing roughly ten feet away. Head whipping to face the other two again, you found them to have closed the same distance.

One of them, you couldn’t tell who in the darkness, spoke up. “Hey there cutie, what’s a little lady like you doing out all by herself?” His voice was rough, sounding like he smoked a pack a day.

Behind you the other man joined in, startling you. “Yeah, don’t you know how dangerous it is at night baby?”

At this point he had produced what looked like a crowbar. He may have had it before, but your memory was already failing you. The effects of your rapidly increasing heart rate were becoming unbearably severe at this point. Seeing black spots forming at the edges of your vision, along with a dizziness that felt sickening, you wondered if you’d even be able to reason with these guys.

Somehow you sputtered out a defence. “I-I swear, whatever money I have y-you can take it. I really don’t want any trouble, I promise.”

You hear a low chuckle behind you, but you didn’t turn around, or rather you couldn’t, fear taking root and holding you in place.

“C’mon now sugar, we just wanna have a little fun is all. Why don’t you just be good and play along, yeah?”

Nothing you could’ve done would make any words come out of your mouth in protest. Instead, all you could comprehend was the sudden absence of noise around you.

The men hadn’t left, and there was still the sound of distant life outside the alleyway that could probably be heard. But none of that was being processed in your mind.

Dimly, you could see the man in front of you talking, his mouth moving to form words, but it was clear now that the surge of panic and adrenaline had incapacitated your form. Your hearing had failed you, replaced with what sounded like blood rushing through your head.

It was time for the rest of your body to follow suit, crumbling under the severe exhaustion and aggressive response from your body trying to activate its fight or flight senses.

Knees buckling beneath your form, your body swayed slightly to the side as you collapsed hard onto the concrete. Laying there completely limp, your eyes fluttered closed with heavy eyelids. You processed that nothing you could do would prevent unconsciousness, effectively giving up.

It took a few more seconds for sleep to completely envelope you, now unable to even lift a finger in protest. Maybe it was just hallucinations from your lucid, half asleep state, but you could’ve sworn you could make out the distant sounds of loud cursing from multiple people. Maybe even a few pained grunts here and there.

But that comprehension was swiftly cut short, your body finally succumbing to its stresses, knocking you out like a light.

_______

Hizashi was seated in a cushioned armchair positioned just off the edge of the hospital bed so he could keep an eye on the figure laying in front of him. Eyes unmoving from that one spot, he watched the rise and fall of your chest as your unconscious form remained otherwise still.

For a moment he glanced at his wristwatch, seeing that he’d been looking after you for a little under two hours, now being 11:06 pm. During all this time your form had remained in what the doctors had explained as pretty much a coma, brought on by extreme strain of the body’s energy. It wasn’t likely to last long, but the reasoning behind it was concerning enough that they’d administered fluids which you were also lacking by an equally unhealthy amount.

Having more than enough time to think, the voice hero attempted to deduce any possible explanations as to how you’d let your health deteriorate so much. He’d had his fair share of experience when it came to seeing what the effects of overworking can have on the human body. This however was most definitely up there, especially for someone in your line of work.

Bringing him out of his thoughts, a nurse lightly rapped on the door before entering. “Pardon me Yamada sir, but visitor hours ended at 9 pm. I’m going to have to insist that you leave for tonight. You can come again starting at 6:30 am tomorrow however.”

Knowing he’d overstayed his welcome, the blond silently agreed, standing out of his seat and grabbing his jacket that was hanging off the back of it. He gave you one last look, inwardly wishing there was more he could do for you at the moment, before taking his leave.

Hizashi was headed back to his car when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket, pulling it out almost frantically.

From: Shouta <3

Just got back from the station. I already know what you’re going to say, just tell me when you get home and focus on driving. See you soon.

11:10 pm

It was obvious his partner was equally concerned over the state you were in, especially given how he reacted when they apprehended the thugs trying to take advantage of you. Knowing he’d have to wait so as not to irritate Shouta more than he likely already was, the voice hero put his phone away and traded it for an electronic key, unlocking the sleek, black car and stepping in.

The ride home felt like it took ages, his mind still racing whilst going over the events from that night. Attempting to ease his conscience, Hizashi decided to take the time to figure out what he’d say to his partner. Specifically, how they’d deal with you.

_____

When he finally pulled into the driveway it felt as if he was going mad, still reeling from the thoughts of what could’ve happened if him and Shouta didn’t find you in time.

Pushing those scenarios to the back of his head, the blond stepped out of the car and made his way to the front entrance. He typed in the combination to the keypad, hearing the locking mechanism shift before reaching for the handle.

It was silent in the house as he walked in, closing the door behind him. Looking over to the dining room table, he saw the bouquet of flowers you’d arranged for Shouta that night, beautifully settled into a vase.

Distantly, Hizashi could hear the thumping of footsteps above him. Knowing who they belonged to, he resolved to hang up his jacket before anxiously waiting for his partner in the living room.

On queue, Shouta made his way downstairs, hair still wet from showering. Plopping down on the living room couch with an audible sigh, he started. “I got the information of the guys who attacked (y/n) before I left. They’re behind bars so there’s nothing more we can do.”

The blond was leaning against the mantle of the fireplace, arms crossed while anxiously tapping his foot as if waiting for permission to start his rant.

Expectedly, his partner lazily waved, as if to say ‘get it over with.’ In truth, he knew what Hizashi was going to say, and he agreed, but the fact of the matter was that his partner always ended up being overzealous with his passions. The only thing that mattered right now was working out a way to properly deal with both of their concerns.

“Y’know when ya told me how tired the poor thing looked after coming home last week from the shop, I thought you meant like how you look after patrolling all night.”

Shouta disregarded the insult, knowing full well how he appeared sometimes after doing so.

“But this is just―she fucking passed out from getting scared, that shit ain’t normal Shou’.”

His counterpart let him calm down for a second before acknowledging the situation. “I know, you think it doesn’t bother me just as much?” He leaned back into the sofa, pinching the bridge of his nose for a moment. “I didn’t think it was this bad. But it could honestly just be a medical problem. Chronic fatigue, severe anxiety...or something like that.”

The blond lightly shook his head. “Maybe, it’s just… I don’t know babe, something seems off to me. And I know you’re thinking it’s me overreacting again, but would ya just hear me out?”

The frustration in the air was palpable, neither being able to settle on a flimsy excuse. “No, you’re not overreacting. I got the same feeling, we just can’t jump to conclusions right now, got it?”

Hizashi’s shoulders slumped in a mixture of relief over the mutual understanding of concern, and defeat for having to hold off on his suspicions.

As if his counterpart knew exactly how the man felt, he continued. “Let’s just wait it out for a bit. Hell, how many people have we seen go through similar things. It’s likely she’ll just have to rest up for a bit. Nothing to worry about.”

The blond sighed, “Sure, whatever―I’m still gonna check up on her tomorrow though, ‘kay?”

“Of course. Now go take a shower, I can smell you from here.”

The atmosphere became a little less tense, having reached a conclusion.

Hizashi chuckled lightly before walking off in the direction of their bedroom, leaving Shouta to relax in the comfort of a quiet house.

_____

The sound of a steady, electronic beeping was the first thing you could make sense of as your body gradually gained back its senses. It was hard, but you channelled every ounce of energy in your body to open your eyes, albeit halfway, to assess your surroundings.

The first thing you noticed was the warm lighting cast upon a bleak white ceiling above. It felt comforting, serving as assistance to calm the growing worry you felt from not knowing where you were. It was likely late in the evening or perhaps sunrise you concluded.

Moving still proved to be difficult, so instead you opted for momentarily trying to piece together what scattered memories you had.

Vaguely, you recall going home after your shift, noting the holes in the messy timeline from what you assume was fatigue-induced memory loss. Next was the unforgettable sense of dread you felt after being trapped by two...no, three people? There were a few lines of conversation thrown around by the perpetrators which you couldn’t quite remember the exact contents of, and given the situation maybe that was a good thing. That’s where the encounter ended, and you were left to assume that like the Saturday shift incident you had long ago, you passed out mostly from exhaustion.

With that done you forced yourself to identify the current situation at hand. It seemed judging by the sterile looking ceiling and walls, along with the telltale beeping sounding off to your left, you were in a hospital room.

It also seemed that you were lying on a somewhat stiff bed, blankets covering you from the chest down, the weight of it revealing its presence. Aching for more information, you struggled with the dead weight of your form with a low groan, moving to prop yourself up on your left elbow.

From this position you could see the heart monitoring device clipped onto your index finger, along with an IV protruding from the top of your hand. Following the tube connected, your eyes landed on a bag of clear fluid hanging on a metal post behind you. The sudden movement catching up to you, a low throbbing formed in the back of your skull, prompting you to hold your head in the hand not secured with medical equipment.

Sighing, you weakly sat up fully in bed and saw that your clothing had been replaced with a hospital gown. You were still so out of it that the quiet sound of a light snoring noise to your right almost went unnoticed. But it didn’t, and you turned your head slowly to the source.

Awkwardly slumped in a cushioned chair to your right was a man, deep in slumber with his head hanging slightly to the side. You assessed his sleep induced state, eyes traveling over his features.

Long black hair hanging loose around his shoulders, mild eye bags, scar under his right eye.

Little by little your memory identified him as the same man who you’d assisted twice now at the floral boutique in which you worked at. What was his name again? It started with an s right? Sh...Shou….God, what was it?

“Shouta! Get up!” A loud voice boomed to your left, causing you to dizzily swerve your head in its direction. Standing in the doorframe of your single patient room was a tall, blond haired man carrying a bouquet of flowers in his right.

Present Mic, you thought, or rather Hizashi, something he made startlingly clear for you to call him.

Jarred awake at the disturbance, the once sleeping man sat up abruptly in his chair, eyes falling on your deeply rigid form.

And what exactly are they doing in your hospital room, much less alone with you while you were sleeping?

Most likely sensing the uncomfortableness mixed with confusion in your demeanor, Shouta spoke up. “I’m sorry, we don’t mean to alarm you in your state. I take it you’d like an explanation as to how you ended up here.”

Hizashi had found his way to the right side of your bed, not after setting the flowers down on a side table first. You waited a few more seconds, collecting your thoughts before responding.

“Um...yeah. That would be nice I guess.” You ended up croaking out the response from the dryness and lack of recent speaking.

The voice hero sat down on the edge of the bed, a small but warm smile on his face almost as if to ease your nerves. “Well songbird, your lucky Shouta and I found ya when we did last night. You’d gone and passed out while some nasty ol’ guys tried to attack you.”

There was a pause before his counterpart continued, giving you a moment to let the new information sink in. “We decided to go on patrol together for a few hours after leaving your shop. Our sources mentioned some criminal behaviour around the area you were in, so naturally we went there first.”

With these crucial bits of information revealed, you picked at your memories once again. Vaguely, the sounds of what you now presume to be fighting were the last things you can recall.

“And thank god we did. Ya must have been so frazzled that the scare put you to sleep. Can’t even begin to imagine what would’ve happened if you were alone.” Hizashi’s point didn’t make you feel better, but he was right, last night was a combination of your worst qualities happening all at once.

You must have visibly shuddered at that statement too, mind wandering to the plethora of possibilities those men could have gotten up to. “But nothing more happened, I can assure you. ‘Zashi and I dealt with the guys and called the police to pick them up. We were worried about your condition so he carried you to his car and drove you to the hospital before an ambulance arrived to save time, I stayed to wait for backup. You’ve been asleep since.”

Silently, you noted the reduced throbbing in your head, figuring the impact of your skull crashing into the pavement was to blame. And then it dawned on you, You’ve been here long enough to be changed into a gown and given an IV?

“Ah...exactly how long have I been asleep?” Your voice was shaky, weak even from just having woken up and still feeling the ache of fatigue.

Shouta decided to relay this piece of news, using a calm tone in an attempt to not alarm you. “The attack happened last night at around 9:15, it’s roughly 6:30 in the evening right now so you’ve been asleep for almost a whole day.”

Oh...well that’s definitely cause for concern. On the bright side it’s a new record! But, if that’s the case then how long have they been waiting for you to wake up…

If it was a long time then you’d feel bad for ruining their Friday night, and all of their Saturday. This realization alone was enough to give a skip in your heartbeat.

“I stayed with ya for a bit while Shou cleared some stuff up with the police, but I ended up gettin’ kicked out not too long after by the nurses cause of visitor hours being done and all that. We both came to check on you this morning and he’s stayed here since then. I just got ‘ere to switch shifts but whaddya know, our sunshine was up ‘n awake.”

Great...you thought, so you had ruined their day. You’d have to deal with making up for that later once you got out of this place, but for now...wait, our sunshine?

...Okay, just ignore it (y/n), he did save your life after all so a little shameless endearment can’t hurt, right?

“I’m really sorry for taking up so much of your time. You don’t have to stay any longer, I’m sure you guys are pretty busy.” You had no reason not to send them away, feeling horrible for making the two think they had to look after you. In addition to that, you barely knew the men outside of what kind of flowers they liked, so the unfamiliar circumstances were a little unsettling.

You could hear Shouta sigh at your dismissive response, to which you thought he was relieved to finally be sent home.

“If we were concerned about wasting our time we would have left a long time ago. We’re here because we want to be, not because we have to.”

Strangely, that didn’t make you feel any better. “Still, I feel bad for keeping you…”

There was a brief silence in the room, and if you weren’t currently hanging your head in shame then maybe you would’ve seen the subtle but conspiring looks exchanged between the two men.

The blond was the first to break the silence, something he seemed to be good at. “Well...if you’re feelin’ that bad there’s certainly a way to repay us.”

Your head perked up at the proposition, anxiety settling due to not knowing exactly what this repayment could entail.

Thankfully, Hizashi didn’t seem to want to watch you squirm with anticipation. “Why don’t ya stop by our place once you get out of here. Shouta and I’d love the extra company.”

His counterpart continued after a moment. “We always end up making more food than we need for dinner, the accommodation for one night would be no trouble.”

Naturally, the prospect of being asked to spend more time with these men after you’d already been such a burden was unexpected. You’d think after all this time it would only be normal to send you on your way. Yet, here they were, continuing to leave you stunned at their actions over and over again.

If this is what it takes to appease them, then so be it. Surely you can handle having dinner with them, right?

The two waited patiently for your response. It took a second, but you managed to gather your thoughts for a comprehensive answer. “I suppose… although I don’t see how this helps me repay you in any way.”

“Nonsense, songbird. Shou’ wouldn’t admit to it, but he’s been a bit worried that you’re not takin’ care of yourself, with all the work ya do. Nothing a good meal can’t fix, ya dig?” Hizashi positively beamed at your acceptance to the request, making it hard to deny him. Especially since, although silently, Shouta wished to see this through as much as him based on the explanation.

You smiled, the reassuring atmosphere easing the tension in your body. “If that’s really what you want then I guess it couldn’t hurt.”

It looked as if the erasure hero was about to speak, but before he could, a knocking on the door stopped him.

Waiting a moment before entering, a nurse opened the door. “I would’ve appreciated it if you two informed me immediately when she woke up.” She reprimanded the two heroes for their irresponsibility before making her way to the unoccupied side of your bed.

“I need to discuss some matters with the patient, why don’t you head home for the night.” She regarded the two without looking in their direction, instead examining the IV bag and writing something down on a clipboard.

You gave them an apologetic look, clearly they wanted to talk a bit longer than they were being allowed.

Shouta stood from the armchair, gathering his jacket in his arms with Hizashi following suit.

“We’ll see ya later, ‘kay sweetheart?” It seemed the blond simply had a habit of dishing out loving nicknames, and at this point you were getting used to it.

The erasure hero continued, “Get some rest, one of us will check up on you tomorrow morning.”

You managed out a quiet “Okay,” and they were gone before the nurse could scold them for taking up more time.

Finally having the privacy she needed, the nurse regarded your current state. “Okay then, hun. Let’s see how you’re doing.”

_____

The next hour or two was filled with various exams and consultations. You were told exactly what you’d been expecting. Which was basically along the lines of blacking out due to exhaustion combined with hitting the pavement pretty hard. You didn’t bother to mention that the occurrence was most likely also slightly induced by the sudden panic attack, figuring that it wasn’t quite as important.

At the end of the day you were told that in light of the situation and your poor health, it was necessary that you’d have to remain in the hospital for another day at least. After that it was a matter of judging whether your condition had improved.

You were brought dinner, barely regarding the dull taste as your hungered state simply couldn’t care less. Frankly, the after effects of the prolonged fatigue were still causing you to feel intensely drowsy, and so the rest of the night happened in a blur.

The next thing you knew, you’d settled back down to into your bed, ready to accept another long slumber.

End of Part 2

_____

taglist: @tjhonoluluprezstitch626

#yandere bnha #yandere erasermic #yandere bnha x reader #yandere erasermic x reader #yandere mha #yandere mha x reader #yandere eraserhead #yandere eraserhead x reader #yandere shouta aizawa #yandere shouta aizawa x reader #yandere hizashi yamada #yandere hizashi yamada x reader #yandere present mic #yandere present mic x reader #yandere

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weasleymalfoypotter · 4 years

Text

i hate you (but not really) pt5

draco malfoy x fem!slytherin! potter reader

summary : summary: draco malfoy and harry potters twin sister have hated each other since they met. but in 5th year he comes to find that maybe he doesn’t hate her and the reasons he did end up be the things he loves

word count : 1.5k

warnings : angst, fluff, mentions of death, mentions of nightmares

A/N : this one is short but i wanted to do one part that was just about the reader dealing with sirius’ death and draco helping her to help contrast something that will happen in the last part (which is the next one) so enjoy and part 6 will be out soon!

part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4

draco didn’t go with us to the department of mystery’s. he had been working with umbridge as kind of a spy for the DA so when she left him to keep us in her office while she went with harry and hermione, he helped us get out of there and go help harry while he stayed to keep her and her goons from catching us.

he didn’t go with us so he didn’t watch sirius die. he didn’t watch me watch sirius die. when i came back and cried to him about everything that happened he held me and ran his hand through my hair while i sobbed. he was the only person who saw me like that. harry and i have gotten good and looking like we’re fine. we don’t let anyone know that we hurt like regular people do. it’s never been in our nature. draco was the only person who ever saw me vulnerable. draco was supportive through out the rest of the year. letting me cry, helping me with nightmares, making sure i ate. that’s why i was so upset about the upcoming summer. usually people are able to keep in touch over summers through letters but if dracos family found my owl or anything i’d sent him it wouldn’t be good.

summer was painful. the dursley’s were never kind and made life unbearable while living with them. harry and i were crammed into the tiny room they allowed us to have. it was a step up from underneath the stairs but it was crammed nonetheless. i also had the worst trouble sleeping. nightmares every single damn night and it always cedric’s death, sirius’ death, or someone else’s death that hasn’t actually happened yet. harry and i were glad to go to the burrow for the summer and seeing dumbledore early was a treat. summer with ron and hermione and molly’s cooking was amazing. seeing remus though was saddening. when i saw remus i thought of sirius and my dad. i felt bad for him, he lost his best friends, but i kind of avoided him because it was painful. i could tell he was hurt by it. remus and i became close during my 3rd year. when he volunteered to help harry with the dementors, he also volunteered to give me lessons for my abnormal wizarding abilities. the more time we spent with remus and sirius the more i could tell the kind of came as a package deal. harry wasn’t as close with remus as i was so he didn’t feel like he needed to avoid him but for me, i looked at remus and saw what we lost. i knew it wasn’t fair to him but i couldn’t help the way i felt.

honestly with everything that’s happened and being around so many people all at once all the time i wanted alone time. i really wanted alone time with draco. i never realized how damn touch starved i was until we started dating and i wanted to be with him, touching him all the time. it never even had to be sexual. simply holding hands, hugging, cuddling, anything at all. we got used to not being around each other that much when we were hiding our relationship but once it was out in the open, we were always holding hands or touching in someway shape or form. we made sure not to be that one couple thats constantly all over each other. we’re classy. but at the end of the day i just missed him. i love the boy, there’s no denying it, and being away from him this long sucks. so when it’s time to go back to hogwarts i am ecstatic. i get my own space back, not that i didn’t enjoy bunking with hermione and ginny because we always had a blast, but i just like having my own room to escape to. i get to have access to the library again which i know hermione is also over the moon about. i get to play quidditch again which will be fun with my boyfriend as the seeker and me as one of slytherins prized chasers. playing professionally is actually on my radar, i just haven’t decided yet but i know i could if i wanted to. everything is just better at hogwarts.

i found the compartment where draco was waiting in for me. we had established before we left that he would be in a compartment waiting for me and i would find him since were usually late or right in time. his head popped up from the floor excitedly when he heard the door open and i smiled at him before he shot up out of his seat to hug me.

“hello love” he whispered in my ear while we stood there

“hi” i giggled back

“i missed you. a lot” still hugging

“i missed you too” i replied, you could hear the smile into my voice. i was breathing him in, taking in the feeling of being in his arms before he pulled away to kiss me. it was soft but meaningful. saying ‘i missed this’ in a thousand different ways. he pulled away and looked at my face, his hands resting in the back of my neck.

“darling are you alright?” he asked looking rather concerned. i knew i looked tired. my nightmares only got worse over the summer and he knew about the ones that started first year and how they plagued me.

“just tired, the nightmares got worse” i shrugged. i had a habit of playing this down and he hated when i did it.

“c’mere” he said sitting down gesturing to the space next to him. i wasn’t going to object. he always put me to sleep easily.

i wordlessly moved laying down next to him with my head in his lap while he played in my hair.

“talk to me” he said. i hadn’t talked about it all summer so i wasn’t sure if i wanted to now. harry and i talked about it once when we were at the dursley’s but after that, we just knew when the other was upset about what happened and we helped each other without verbally confronting it.

“i don’t know how” i said. you could hear the sadness in my voice as it cracked signaling that i might cry. “it just sucks. it always happens to us you know? harry and i lose everyone. i miss him too. he was all the family we really had left”

“i’m sorry” he knew that was all i needed to hear. that someone was sorry harry and i got the short end of the stick. other people thought we were lucky. we had fame and power but it came at a price we didn’t want to pay but we had no choice. he lulled me to a peaceful sleep. while i was sleeping my brother found out compartment.

“hey draco, how’s she doing?” harry asked as he quietly sat down in the compartment seat across from draco

“she exhausted mate. she’s better than she was at the end of the year but i’m worried about her you know?” draco really was worried and you could hear it. he and harry had become tolerant of each other. usually they only talked about or around y/n. their relationship never went past that.

“yeah her nightmares got a lot worse over the summer, being at the burrow helped a little bit but she’s still...i don’t know” harry said. draco looked down at her. all he wanted was to take away her pain. “honestly mate this is the most..calm i’ve seen her in months” draco got a warm feeling at this. he loved being able to help her, and he knew she was putty in his hands and he adored it.

“i just hope being back here helps you know?” draco said. harry nodded along and told draco he needed to go back to his compartment with hermione and ron. he let y/n sleep until they needed to get their robes on. she already looked better after just a couple of hours of sleep.

i woke up feeling really bad. i planned on talking to draco during the train ride, catching up, talking about summer, what sucked, what didn’t, what we missed. i wanted to talk to him but i just had to screw up and fall asleep. i swear he’s gonna be tired of my sulking so i need to get it together. we got dressed and i sat down with my head on his shoulder.

“i’m sorry i fell asleep” i said softly.

“why are you sorry?” he asked, genuinely confused.

“i wanted to talk to you, talk about summer, instead i just dumped all my problems on you and fell asleep” i said with self annoyance in my voice. he shifted so he had on leg on the seats and he was facing me.

“we have plenty of time to talk” he grabbed my hand “and i want you to dump all your problems on me, it’s what i’m here for. i dump all my problems on you too, i don’t want you to think you can’t talk to me.” i could feel my body relax. i needed to hear it. i kissed him and the train stopped. we got our things and made our way to hogwarts.

TAGS: @idkmanicantenglish @lordlodge @dracoswhore007

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essaysfromthedeep · 4 years

Text

Wash, rinse, repeat.

A little bit about being Southern, gay, and estranged.

CW: Suicide mention

Where I am now is exactly why I didn’t want to come out in the first place. I was terrified as a teenager that I would have to leave my family behind to be happy. It turned out to be true.

I figured out when I was 17 that I was attracted to girls. I had a boyfriend. It wasn’t going well. It wasn’t his fault, of course. I tried and tried to be okay with dating him, but I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt three months in that I didn’t feel the same way about him. I just didn’t know why for another few months. Or I didn’t want to admit why. I’m not sure the distinction matters at this point.

I remember which class I was sitting in the first time I wrote down “I think I like girls.” It was almost lunch time, I had no friends in there and no one was paying any attention to me. I put it in a journal I later burned. It was terrifying and imprinted itself on my memory. It was also a truth I couldn’t outrun any more.

I wasn’t expecting that coming out would be so similar to the stages of grief. I remember being so angry. I tried to kill myself. An expression of anger, fear, and disappointment.

I tried to kill myself on Valentine’s day because my boyfriend so desperately wanted to spend time with me, but I couldn’t stand the thought of it. I knew exactly where I’d rather be and why. I couldn’t take it any more.

I took, what I thought to be at the time, a lot of pills, and drank, what I thought to be at the time, a lot of alcohol. And laid down to go to sleep. I started feeling very ill and couldn’t fall asleep. I remember praying. “Okay God, if I survive this, it means you want me to be gay. And if I don’t well, I guess I’ll find out if you’re going to send me to hell for it.”

I threw up all night. The next day I felt like death warmed over, but I was alive. Now came the hard part, figuring out how to be gay. It took me 6 more years to come out in any kind of public way. I told my closest friends in high school, but that didn’t go so well. I came out as bisexual. Which, I am not. But I couldn’t be a full on lesbian yet.I wasn’t ready to give up.

I was still desperately hoping some boy would come along and fix me. Someone, anyone! That they would love me enough somehow and, even though I would never feel the same way about them, that it would be enough. It didn’t work out.

My first few years of being out to myself were full of this kind of bargaining. “I’ll just be alone forever and that will be fine. I don’t need a relationship.” I had resolved to stay in the small, rural town I had grown up in and just be the person my family wanted me to be. But the idea of being forced to be alone became unbearable. I had finally let go of some of my self hatred and honestly I wanted so badly to hit on women. Being a lesbian sounded amazing, if I could just figure out how to do it!

In college it still took awhile for me to come out, again.

I was technically bisexual at that point, so the assumption was this was a phase. I was so tired of the implication that I’d just eventually like a dude! I knew I wouldn’t. I kept pretending. Latching on to dudes left and right because I assumed (rightly) that there was more to lose when I let everyone know there would be no more men for me.

I tried to date exactly one guy in college. Attempting to be the person he wanted me to be was like cutting off parts of myself. I kept trying to make myself into something that I wasn’t to make men happy, when I was already pretty sure that I wasn’t at all interested in men or making them happy. I ‘broke up’ with him after four days.

I wish I could say that was the end of my misadventures with men, but it wasn’t. It was the last time I tried to date one. Everything else was just drunken mistakes in an attempt to try to make myself into a straight girl.

I finally gave it all up when I was 23. I had been fighting and fighting and fighting for years. I slept with one woman and it’s honestly laughable to me at this point that I ever thought I was straight.

That’s the only reason I decided to come out to my family at all.

After stumbling upon the (finally sober) realization, that I was decidedly uninterested in men, I realized that I would need to tell my family.

I didn’t want to, but I’m a terrible liar. And honestly, I was so tired of being afraid of them. To be clear though, when I came out I was still terrified of them. My timing could have probably been better, but that’s not how life is.

I decided to come out the weekend I graduated from college. I was sure, certain, in fact, that it would be alright. We would be riding the high from my accomplishment (2 degrees!) and they would love me regardless. I would tell them and then we would have a nice Christmas.

I have not been to a Christmas with my family since then.

I graduated right about the same time as all that Duck Dynasty nonsense where that guy said really homophobic stuff in GQ back in 2013. Well, my sister spent the entire weekend talking about it. Agreeing with him. Being angry because the show got dropped. “Gay people need to learn their place.” I could still direct you to the booth we were sitting at in Steak’n’Shake when she said that. There are some things that just stick with you. All gay people were going to hell anyway, why should it matter that he said it! And how dare A&E cancel them!

I left after that. Saying I was tired and didn’t want to go back to the mall. I had some friends to hang out with. Whatever excuses I could come up with. Really I went to my apartment and talked with my girlfriend for hours and hours about what I should do. I didn’t feel safe going home with them at that point. My family isn’t known for solving these kind of disagreements peacefully. And my family disagreed with my existence. What’s a girl to do? I ran away with my girlfriend for Christmas.

And this is where the Southern part of my story starts rearing its ugly head. My girlfriends parents were not sure about hosting me. I should be at home with my family. I didn’t know how to tell them, I didn’t feel safe with my family.

There’s this stigma about not being in touch with your family. Like it’s some kind of easy choice to cut them off. I already knew what my family thought of me, why am I required to open myself up to further abuse? Why am I required to submit myself to them for in-person derangement.

After the fact, when we were discussing it my mother said to me “Were you scared I was going to shoot you?” And yes. I was. That’s the thing. I know how my mother reacts. I react in similar fashions sometimes. A blind rage. You can’t see anything but your anger. I felt I was taking my life in my hands if I went home and came out. And who would know if they killed me and buried me in the back yard? Who would care? There are lots of pig farms in Arkansas. There are lots of places to hide a body.

Perhaps this is horrifying for me to say, but it was a natural conclusion for me. There are many people where I’m from who would have understood why my family did it. A jury of their peers wouldn’t convict them.

After that we tried for a few years, but the problem is I wanted it all.

I can read my parents like a book. They were so uncomfortable in my presence.

Growing up my father only referred to gay men as faggots. I had only ever heard gay used as a slur until I was in high school at least. It definitely wasn’t truly de-stigmatized for me until I was in college.

And about three years after I came out to my parents, I was tired of being tolerated. I didn’t want them to think I was disgusting. I wanted them to be able to look at me. I wanted them to be able to say the word gay and it not be a slur. And so I confronted them about it.

And my mom told me that she can only accept my relationships that are ‘biblical.’ She will never accept my marriage. And so I decided that I wasn’t going to live my life in pieces, and I told her to contact me when she could accept me for everything that I am, and that includes being a lesbian.

And now I don’t know what to do.

My family always made it very clear that if you didn’t talk to them in life, you shouldn’t show up at their funerals. I don’t know whether to grieve now, later, or both. I assume both makes the most sense.

This is excruciating, but it’s still better than sitting across the table from my mother and seeing the disgust in her eyes. The fear. Knowing that she thinks there’s something wrong with me.

My mother’s love is conditional. She loves in the hope that it will make me change. That I will repent and be born again, again. That it can save me. That she can make me straight.

After being the ‘sinner’ that’s been ‘loved’ for so many years, I have to say it feels less like love and more like coercion.

I feel like I’ve chosen the lesser of two evils. Trying to maintain contact with my family is destabilizing. So I’ll live with the guilt and the shame of not talking to the people who conceived me. I’m not sure what I continue to owe them though.

My mother left me a voicemail last week. She claims she doesn’t know what she’s done to “upset me.” She thinks I’m just punishing her because I’m mad. I’m not mad. I’m painfully aware of how little there is left of me for her to love. I won’t change. Why do I have to expose myself to her obvious disdain? What obligations do I owe her?

She brought me into this world, but the truth is she doesn’t want me. She wants whatever version she keeps of me in her head.

It’s much harder to love people as they are. And what I am now is so far removed from what she wants, I just don’t see why I have to keep trying. She isn’t going to meet me halfway, and I have to give up everything I am.

There’s no voice I can turn my mother to that teachers her to love me. The people my mother respects hate me. They teach I’m the reason why Jesus will soon return and wipe people like me from the face of the Earth and put us in hell where we belong.

I’ve heard “Blood is thicker than water” so often that I can’t help but feel like the asshole in this situation. Oh, what I’m doing to my poor mother! Have we considered what she’s done to me?

I’ve always been aware of how tenuous my relationship with my parents was. I knew there were parts of me they could never love. I’ve been keeping secrets since I was a child, hoping that I could be good enough one day that they’d like every piece of me. I’d settle for like, I think.

I grieve for my childhood. I wonder, often, what it’s like for kids who’s parents love them unconditionally. It’s difficult knowing that is something I will never experience.

I can’t blame my mother for it. I don’t think it was something she was ever capable of. It’s about as useful as being mad at the rain. There’s nothing I can do to change it.

I always want these kinds of things to have a lesson. I would like to wrap it up nice and tidy, but this is all messy ends and unfinished work.

The anger has run out of me and all that was left to do was this. Hollow myself out so the pain and sadness can’t grow and fester until they try to kill me again. You face them, you name them, you find a way to get up the next morning. You do things that make you happy. You wait for them to make you happy again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

#lgbtq #southern culture #suicide mention cw #cw suicide mention #writing #mine #wlw #lesbian #gay

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thewritewolf · 5 years

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Two Cursed Detectives in Paris Chapter Three: Cats and Raccoons

Connor struggles under the weight of the secret and spends quality time with Adrien.

Enjoy!

Read on Ao3

The sun was only just starting to dip below the horizon, but you wouldn’t know it sitting inside Connor and Eerie’s hotel room. The black curtains were drawn shut and the lights turned out except for a bedside lamp. A crime show was playing on the television and Connor watched it with narrowed eyes. His attention was divided between the show, brushing his tail with a vintage silver brush, and worrying about his recent discovery.

“You figure out who the murderer is yet?”

Eerie glanced up from her book with pursed lips. “I’m trying to read here.”

“I saw you peeking at the TV. So what’s your guess, boss?”

“Well, boss,” she said as she closed the book. “It’s pretty obviously the old man at the lighthouse.”

“They aren’t even subtle about it.”

“Honestly. Amateurs.”

They fell silent again. Neither of them were particularly tired, but this was going to be their only chance to get some sleep before the stake out tonight.

But would he be able to get any rest if he didn’t get this off his chest? Eerie was the most dependable person he knew. If he couldn’t trust her of all people to share this secret with him, who could he trust? Deciding to put his faith in her, he started talking before he could chicken out.

“Hey, can I-”

“I need to-”

They cut each other off and Connor snorted while Eerie concealed her smirk behind one well-manicured hand. Maybe they’d gotten too in sync with each other.

He motioned to her. “Go ahead, Eerie. I can wait an extra minute or two.”

“Thanks.” She smiled gratefully before a serious expression settled over her face. “Do you know about the situation in Paris? With the superheroes and everything?”

“More than you might think,” Connor said, raising an eyebrow. “Why?”

“I meet Ladybug.”

“Oh wow, that’s-”

“I know who Ladybug is,” Eerie added in a low voice, as if there were people listening in. Whatever reaction she was expecting, Connor busting out laughing didn’t seem to be among them. She pouted, her hair poofing out like an owl’s feathers as she got up to loom over him. “This is serious, Connor!” She smacked him with a pillow.

“Trust me, I know. After all, I found out who Chat Noir is, so I understand the kind of pressure you’re probably under”

“Oh, good.” After a moment’s processing, her eyes widened. “Wait, what?” She sat down on the edge of his bed.

The next half hour was spent catching each other up on their adventures earlier that day.

“I guess we’re better detectives than we thought, huh?”

“And that’s saying something, given how much you talk yourself up.” Eerie rolled her eyes with a smile. “God, this was a crazy day.”

“No argument from me.” Connor stretched, tiredness starting to creep up on him. “So what are we going to do about it?”

“What do you mean?” She got off his bed and walked toward hers. “Doesn’t sound like we need to get involved, does it?”

“Well… I was just thinking… Chat seems pretty fond of Ladybug…”

“Connor,” she said, her tone reminiscent of all the times she’d found him digging through dumpsters or rifling through trash cans. “We are here to catch bad guys. Not play matchmakers for two fifteen year olds.”

“But you have to admit that they’re cute together!”

“I’m not having this conversation.” She turned off the lamp. It was purely a symbolic gesture since they both had night vision.

“...Fine. Good night.”

“Night,” she said as she rolled over onto her stomach.

“Sleep tight.”

“Mhm,” she hummed into her pillow.

“Don’t let the bed bugs bite.”

“Connor. Go to sleep.”

“You’re right. Nothing to worry about, really. This is Paris after all. It’d be the fanciest bed bugs of them all. You’d thank them for biting you.”

“Sleep. Now.” She did her best to put on the Boss Voice, but he could hear the undercurrent of amusement just below the words. He smiled contently as he rolled over to cuddle his banana body pillow.

“Sure, boss.”

------------

Connor suppressed a yawn as he tried to focus on the game in front of him. The night was both incredibly brief because he got to spend it mostly goofing off with Eerie as they poked around for clues, but also unbearably long as night turned to morning.

His character was soundly thrashed, the irritation being just about the only thing getting through how fuzzy his brain was at the moment. Adrien turned toward him, a smug grin on his perfectly punchable model face.

The smirk vanished when he saw Connor’s expression, replaced by a look of concern. “You okay, Mr MacThomas? You seem a little, um… Tired.”

“You don’t need to sugar coat it, I know I’m not at my absolute most handsome today. I just didn’t get a lot of sleep last night since I had to do some detectiving.” Explaining Connor’s real reason for being in Paris hadn’t taken that long. He stretched, reaching his hands high above his head and flexed his fingers. “Not all of us get to jump straight into the beating up bad guys part of the whole fighting for justice gig.”

“It’s hard to believe you’re here undercover…”

“What? Just because I’m cursed that means I’m somehow less qualified for stealthy missions?”

Adrien’s eyes widened and he raised his hands in a placating gesture. “Wh-what?! No, I didn’t-”

“Relax,” Connor said, punching Adrien’s arm. “I’m messing with you. And hey, it wasn’t easy coming to grips with you being a super- MMH!” Connor glared at Adrien as the latter covered his mouth with both hands.

“Sorry! Sorry. I just - can we talk about something else? It’s really weird talking about that with anyone but my kwami, especially here at home.” Once Connor nodded, Adrien returned to his side of the couch.

“Why don’t you tell me about your friends, then?”

“Well, I don’t have a whole lot of them…”

“Oh come on. You’re a sweet kid and not half bad at video games, I’m sure you’ve got plenty of folks beating down the door to be your bud.”

Adrien smiled. “Thanks. I guess you could say I’m friends with most of my classmates, but there are only three that I hang out with much.”

While Adrien was staring off into space thinking about those friends, Connor’s fingers inched ever so slowly toward the unopened bag of cheetos nearby. “Sounds like you really care about them. What are their names?”

“Well, my best bro is Nino. He was one of my very first real friends when I started public school. I couldn’t ask for a better friend - he even got akumatized because he got so mad for my sake once.”

“Uh huh,” Connor said, quietly opening the cheetos. He still wasn’t super clear on what akumatization meant, but it sounded bad. “Sounds like someone who always has your back.”

“Definitely. Although we don’t hang out as much as I’d like - I’ve got my schedule, and he has a girlfriend. Who is another of my friends, actually. Alya, she likes superheroes and journalism. It’s been… interesting being her friend while being Chat.”

“That leaves one person. Best for last or is this the one you aren’t as close with?”

Adrien smiled nervously and rubbed the back of his neck. “Kind of both? She’s absolutely amazing, but I think she mostly hangs out with me because she is Alya’s best friend. I wish we were closer.”

“Well, well, loverboy,” Connor said while nudging Adrien with his elbow. “It looks like you’ve got a crush. What’s the lucky girl’s name?”

“It’s not like that!” Adrien sounded a little exasperated, like he’d had this argument before. “She’s wonderful and cute and all that, but my heart belongs to Ladybug.” He sighed. “Marinette is just a good friend is all.”

Connor’s eyes bugged out and he sputtered in surprise, but with his mouth stuffed full of cheetos, he ended up doubled over into a coughing fit.

“Um… Mr MacThomas, are you okay?”

“Water,” Connor managed to croak out between coughs. In the minute that Adrien was gone, Connor’s mind whirred as it came to grips with this revelation. If he weren’t busy choking to death on snacks, he’d have laughed. What were the odds that they’d both go to the same school, let alone the same class?

Probably pretty good, now that he thought of it. They were probably picked by the same guy after all.

Adrien returned with the water and Connor eagerly gulped it down.

“Connor, by the way.”

“Huh?”

“Mr MacThomas is way too formal, kid. Just Connor is fine.”

“Okay… Connor.”

“Anyway, I think we were talking about your future girlfriend, Marinette.”

Adrien sighed patiently. “I told you, I’m in love with-”

“Ladybug, yeah, got that part. But you realize you can have a crush on multiple people, right?” True, just not in this case. “Just because you have feelings for the Bug doesn’t mean you can’t feel something for Marinette.” Adrien seemed about to say something, but Connor covered his mouth with his hand. “And I notice you didn’t deny having feelings for this Marinette girl.”

Whatever Adrien was trying to say was muffled by Connor’s hand over his face. His attempts to pull it off were to no avail.

“Yes, yes, I know you are madly in love with her, it’s very obvious. But we have to stay on track.” Connor felt something wet on his palm and raised an eyebrow. “Wow, you really are an only child.” At Adrien’s confused look, he added, “I’ve got a bunch of brothers and sisters - this is far from the only time this exact thing has happened.” Connor leaned back, letting Adrien’s face go free and wiped the spit off his glove onto the couch.

“I’m not in love with Marinette.” When Connor scoffed loudly, he folded his arms and pouted. “What? I’m not!”

“Really?” Connor smirked and settled into a relaxed slouch. “You care about her a lot, right?”

“Well, yeah, but-”

“Do you look for excuses to be closer to her?”

“Of course! She’s my friend-”

“Uh-huh. And how often do you think about hugging this ‘friend’ or wanting to hold her hand? And remember,” Connor added, waggling his finger in front of Adrien’s face. “You might be able to lie to yourself, but I get paid the big bucks to know when you’re not telling the truth.”

He was quiet for a few long heart beats. “So… you’re saying… that’s not normal for friendships?”

“Not usually, no.” Connor ignored the treacherous part of his mind that was thinking of Eerie. “I’ve seen a lot of cases of love sickness in my time and buddy, let me tell you - you’ve got it bad.”

“How bad is it?” Adrien squirmed worriedly in his spot.

“Bad.” Connor scooted closer and put an arm around his shoulders. “But hey! Don’t worry, I’m here to help.”

Adrien eyes widened and he stared at Connor as if he had all the answers in the world. “Really? You must have tons of romantic experience, right?”

Connor flashed back to his last romantic experience, a kiss in middle school from before he was cursed.

“Absolutely.”

#Chouette fanfic #Miraculous Ladybug #Adrien Agreste #Connor MacThomas #Eerie Escamilla #ml fanfiction #my writing #Two Cursed Detectives in Pairs

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lannee · 4 years

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even my phone misses your call (by the way) - part 2

jo yeong x koo seo ryeong fanfic

AO3: link

Before he realized that he was actually doing what he was doing, Yeong was already in his car driving slightly above the speed limit. It took him approximately 2 minutes to get dressed but 20 to get pass the palace’s security checkpoint. The guards were all puzzled to see him driving through the gate when it was almost 3 AM. One way or another that would eventually end up in a report and he’d never see the end of Gon’s interrogation.

On the way to the bar, he started questioning his recent choices in life. What did he do to let Koo Seo Ryeong think that she could call him whenever she wanted, not to mention way too late at night, and somehow he would magically drop everything and run straight to her? It was the final exam week, he drank about 6 cans of Red Bull that night and had nothing but books and essays and group projects spreading on his table. But after hearing her broken tone on the phone and men’s voices in the background, he got up to get dressed and hurriedly grabbed his keys. As bizarre as it sounded, it turned out he would run to her, wherever the hell she could be, without any question.

The air felt thick and his heart beat rapidly. Through the glass door, he saw her sitting alone, white shirt and faded skinny jeans, head propping on her hand, whiskey bottle almost empty. When he came closer and tilted her face to look at her eyes, they were glassy like she was about to cry and for a second he hated himself for not driving faster.

“Ohh... so you really came!”, she sounded surprised and louder than normal.

“Do I have any other choice, noona?”, he had to hold her shoulders in place and her body felt like liquid ready to splash on the floor.

With all the men around staring at them, he wanted nothing more than to get her out of this place. What was on her mind when she decided to come here alone? He was angry at her for the very first time since they met. He was also extremely tired from lack of sleep. He wondered had he treated her better instead of acting distanced, would she ever think about calling him for late night drinks and getting drunk with only him around?

When her face was on the nape of his neck and her nose touching his bare skin, he wanted to tell her to stop making things harder than they already were. But she was blind drunk and fragile in his arms. He would stand there like that forever if she asked him to.

The first sign of relief came when he finally managed to put her safely in his car. It did not help how needy she was, holding onto him like a child and touching his hair constantly. How could he continue being angry at her when she was this adorable? There was a small smile on his face when he started the engine. She would be the death of him, and he knew it.

He thought Seo Ryeong already fell asleep when suddenly she started saying, “It’s tiring, isn’t it? It’s tiring being my friends, right? We are friends, right?”

Yeong looked at her for a second and kind of contemplated her questions. She would probably never recall this conversation anyway, “Of course we are. And yeah, it’s quite tiring.”

It was tiring to see someone almost every day and have to witness that person caring about someone else.

“I knew it. You hate me sticking to you and Gon like glue.”, she pouted.

“I never hate you noona. We’re almost there.”, he signed again.

He found the key to her apartment inside her bag. Months ago she jokingly asked them to come by her place to study. Gon actually considered the invitation, but Head Court Lady Noh never let them wander to this side of the city. Seo Ryeong’s place was small but cosy. She had things that if he saw them somewhere else, he would buy them for her because they were totally her style. The first thing she did was running to the bathroom and he had to hold her long hair while she dumbed whatever she could from her stomach. Afterwards he poured her a warm glass of water, helped her to bed and put pillows behind so she could sleep on her side.

He watched her laying under the blanket peacefully for a few minutes.

“Thank you, Yeong-ah... but don’t stay.”, she said, eyes still closing.

He looked at her small face with rosy cheeks and wished they had the kind of relationships that allowed him to kiss her forehead.

“It’s late.”, she said again like she was dreaming.

“Okay. Sleep well, noona.”

He ran to the CU next door to buy a bottle of hangover cure and put it on her table before he left. Sitting inside his car, he felt drained. Maybe it was not a good idea to drive in his current state. Then he remembered he had to do a presentation in 5 hours.

But first, he needed to go back and get rid of her sweet scent on his skin.

___

It was pass 9 PM on a day in early July when Yeong got a call from Gon asking him to go to the funeral of Seo Ryeong’s father on his behalf.

The heat of the summer even at night made it unbearable to wear the suit. He walked inside the funeral home with a heavy heart and it saddened him to see her looking gaunt and helpless. Her mother was on the floor bawling her eyes out while Seo Ryeong stood by bowing to the guests with no emotion in her eyes. Her father was there, healthy and proud, at her graduation 3 weeks ago and yesterday he was hit by a car on the way to work.

Yeong texted her everyday after the funeral, mostly to tell her random things that he did recently. Some days she replied, other times she did not. When the month coming to an end he finally called her after not receiving any text for days. She did not answer his call. He tried again twice before deciding to send her a text.

_ i’m on my way to your place

are you there?

_ why do you want to come to my place?

_ so you only text now, huh?

_ i’m at the playground

_ the one next to the East campus?

okay stay there

There were dark clouds floating angrily in the sky. When he arrived and saw Seo Ryeong standing near the green elephant slide, the rain started to pour down heavily. He brought with him his umbrella and sprinted across the playground to where she was. Droplets of water ran through her hair and she had a cigarette dangling on her lips. While holding out the umbrella, his other hand touched her right wrist softly. Then it traced along until he reached her shoulder. He could feel her body trembling, and it broke his heart a bit. By the time his hand caught her cigarette and took it away, she bursted out into tears. He knew the last thing she wanted to hear at that moment was him asking whether she was alright. So he just stood there, buried his hand into her wet hair, holding her while the rain poured down around their tiny umbrella.

“I thought... I thought moving out to live alone... would help me focus better on my study, you know? But I could just stay with my parents... I didn’t spend much time with dad... for years... what’s wrong with me?”, she sobbed into his chest and tried to talk over the sound of the rain.

“I’m sorry, noona... I’m sorry.”, he wanted to say Everything will be alright, but he did not know that. He could not promise her something he was not sure of himself.

The summer rain did not look like it would stop anytime soon. He let her cry it all out until she was quiet. Then he held her hand tight as they walked towards his car.

“I’m moving back to live with my mom next week.”, she said after they sat in complete silence for awhile.

“That’s good. Let me know if you need any help with the moving.”, he offered.

She avoided his eyes, looking at the falling raindrops through the window, “Do you want to stay over at my place tonight?”

He thought he heard it wrong, so he stared at her until she looked back at him. It was strange to see this side of her, tired and full of pain. So he nodded, because it must be established between them by then that he would never say no to her.

The drive felt long for some reason. They stood awkwardly next to each other in the elevator. Water dripped from his umbrella to the floor. His back stuck to the door after she let him in. All of the sudden he did not know how to move, what to say, as if his hands and mouth decided to leave him on his own to deal with this situation. When she said they should take a bath together, he almost asked her if this was some kind of parallel universes. He was supposed to be in a daze by now but because it was Koo Seo Ryeong, who was always straightforward to a fault, it did not affect him as much as he thought it should.

There were some oversized workout clothes she thought would fit him, so she disappeared to her bedroom to find them. Still trying to process what was about to happen, Yeong made an effort to move his feet and started preparing the bath. He let her get in first, and she followed his eyes when he descended his naked body into the warm water across from her. There seemed to be a silent competition where they tried to see who would blush and get embarrassed about this whole thing first. But Seo Ryeong remained calm, as if all she cared about was getting a decent wash-up and he just happened to share the same bath with her to save water. He did not blush. He rested his elbows comfortably on the tub and looked at her porcelain skin. There was not much space to prevent their legs from touching, and she knew it. She knew exactly what she was doing to him, with those sad eyes and cracked lips. Hair tangled and chest heaving. The things he felt for her these past two years overflowed from deep inside and threatened to eat him up. He hoped she knew it too.

When he broke out of his territory to reach her lips, she did not protest. He melted into the kiss and finally confronted the possibility that maybe she was not even real. She kissed him back fervently and he was stunned by the power that she had over him.

She let him carry her to bed. Her body soft under his touch. His wet hair clutched around her fingers. Their uneven breathing mixed with the sticky air in the room. If loving was this hard, he might not see another day. He might not make it without her for rest of his insignificant existence.

just watched ep7 and finally accepted the fact that KES would never let this couple be canon. i think i'll be fine and continue writing this fic to fulfill my fantasy lol. shipping a doomed ship is so hard. thank you all so much for your kind words for the first chapter. maybe i'll post something new (with both of their POVs?) next week. stay safe everyone and please tell me what you think!

#jung eun chae #woo do hwan #fanfic #the king eternal monarch #the king: eternal monarch

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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916

What Rhymes With “AIR”?

1. Are the walls of your room bare or do you have things hanging up there? I have some things on the wall, yes. A few paintings, Audrey Hepburn wall decors, and a poster of Nam Joo Hyuk. I used to have wrestling posters but my mom, ever the control freak, removed them because she didn’t like them. Sigh.

2. When’s the last time you went outside to enjoy the fresh air? I went out this morning to take Cooper to the vet for his anti-rabies shot. I didn’t necessarily do it to enjoy the fresh air, but that came along with the experience as well anyway.

3. Do you watch the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? I started watching it this month actually! It’s super fun and Will Smith’s physical comedy is hilarious, but it isn’t really the type of show I’d binge-watch given how old the jokes and some of the tropes already are. I definitely don’t dislike it, but I just take longer to watch the episodes.

4. When’s the last time it felt like you were walking on air? Sunday, when I had my virtual grad and found out my parents and aunt and uncle got all my favorite food delivered to the house :) We had baked sushi, baked samgyeopsal, Pancit Malabon, and pichi-pichi that day, aaaaahhhhhh.

5. Have you ever been on air, on a radio station? Very briefly. One of our field trips in high school was a visit to a major broadcasting network, and we we were brought to their AM radio studio. The broadcaster on air at the time – one of my favorites of all time – welcomed us and gave us a chance to say hi on air.

6. Have you ever felt like all of the air was coming out of your lungs? Sure, but I guess it’s more accurate to say that I’ve occasionally felt the sensation of my chest increasingly tightening.

7. Has it seemed as though anything has ever disappeared into thin air? Have you ever pulled an idea out of thin air? The first one, yes. I have this stupid ability to drop a certain thing and have it disappear forever; I hate that it happens to me all the time lol.

I can relate with the second situation as well; when I was still in school and had to write essays, reaction papers, anything of the sort, I’d wait till the last possible minute to start working on it since it’s by then that the good ideas start pouring in.

8. Have you ever wanted to be on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire”? Sure. I’ve enjoyed trivia for as long as I can remember, so the show has always been right up my alley.

9. Do you know a billionaire in real life? No. I know a loooot of CEO kids, kids of MNC owners/executives, and kids of political dynasties though...comes with the environment I grew up in and the schools I went to.

10. Would you like to be an heir or heiress to a fortune? I wouldn’t say no to that.

11. Would you be able to successfully get away if you ever came across a bear? The one thing I keep hearing is to stay very still, so I’d be doing my best to do just that. I got no other survival skills though and if there’s apparently anything more that needs to be done during a bear encounter, then I don’t know of them.

12. Where’s your favorite place to go? How long does it take to get there? Hmm I’ve loved going to many places. My favorite vacation spots so far have been Sagada - that’s a 15, 16-hour road trip from Manila; Vigan - 8-hour road trip; and Palawan - an hour or so plane ride from Manila. If we’re taking nearby places, I like going to coffee shops to unwind and have a pastry or two. I don’t have a favorite one; I just go to whichever one’s the nearest to me at the moment.

13. How often do you err on the side of caution? I keep it at a healthy 50/50. There are times I’m okay with taking a big leap, but if I’m not super invested in something anyway and/or if there’s not a lot in it for me, I play it safe.

14. How often do people say they’re angry with you? My life revolves around being a (very cautious) people pleaser and making sure I don’t piss off people. The only people who have told me they’re angry with me are my mom and girlfriend.

15. Do you own any long underwear? I have never heard of these until today. I’d love to live somewhere so cold I need to wear clothes specifically meant to be worn underneath my actual outfit lol

16. How much Tupperware do you own? I’m Filipino, man. Filipino moms practically make it their life’s mission to collect as many Tupperware containers as they can. I’m pretty sure we have a bunch that we didn’t even own to begin with - just magically ended up in our cupboard after all the parties and gatherings we’ve had hahaha.

17. What color is your underwear right now? Green.

18. Do you still sleep with a teddy bear? I never slept with stuffed animals; I preferred pillows.

19. What pair of your shoes has the most wear and tear? In my first year of college the only shoes I owned was a pair of Keds. Used it for everything and it unsurprisingly ended up being super worn out - soles got detached from the shoe and all that. I think we still have it here at home – still destroyed – but it’s been untouched for a while.

20. Do you like to play Solitaire? It was a great boredom buster game for me for a time, especially when phone apps weren’t all that expansive yet. I haven’t played it in many months though.

21. Do you or your family own a full set of silverware? We do.

22. What do you have to take everywhere with you? Phone, wallet, car and house keys. Because of school I’ve also developed a habit of accidentally bringing my laptop nearly everywhere I go – I brought it to the vet once, lol

23. Would you like to visit Delaware? Yes. Delaware actually stands out in my memory because I remember reading in a kids’ almanac many years ago that it was the first to become a US state. Ever since then I’ve kinda bookmarked the place in my head.

24. Last time you received dental care? December. My tooth had been hurting for a couple of months but it became absolutely unbearable by that month so I had to book an emergency appointment days before Christmas. I felt super bad for the hassled dentist (who doubles as a family friend, which made it more embarrassing)... but at that point I was crying myself to sleep every night and would wake up at 3 AM crying in pain, and I would’ve done anything for the toothache to go away.

25. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? Somewhere brutally cold.

26. Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? I’ve never been able to relate to this question, lol soz.

27. Are you satisfied sitting here, taking this survey, or would you rather be elsewhere? I’m satisfied for now. I found more potential leads when it came to job-hunting and I’m not feeling too anxious anymore. I’ve been so focused on looking for corporate communications/PR jobs in the private sector that I forgot about the possibility of applying my skills in something I’m even more passionate about - museums! We have a few government agencies focused on museums, culture, and the arts and I definitely see myself performing in the jobs they offer. It’s even better because it’ll help me get my foot in the door in government positions, and as someone who’s indecisive about law it’ll be a great bridge to start with. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

28. Last time you sat in a barber’s chair? Early March.

29. Do you own any cans of compressed air? I’m not sure...had to look that up. Maybe we do? Idk. Dad will sometimes hoard random grownup stuff from the hardware store so I’m not ruling this one out.

30. Do you have a swivel chair at your desk? Nope.

31. Do you prefer an armchair or a rocking chair? Rocking chair.

32. Would you rather have a beanbag chair or a hanging swing chair in your room? Hanging swing chair sounds so hipster and awesome lol. I’ve had my time with a beanbag chair anyway.

33. What’s the last non-survey related questionnaire that you had to fill out? SSS form.

34. Are there any crimes that you feel make someone deserving of the electric chair? Not really a death penalty kinda gal, but if anyone had to sit in the electronic chair it’ll be people torturing and abusing animals for fun.

35. Do you know anyone who uses a wheelchair? Yes.

36. Do you know anyone who is on welfare? I probably do.

37. Do you play Modern Warfare? Nopes.

38. Do you ever feel like life is unfair? It is, objectively. I’m a little pessimistic when it comes to this.

39. Have you ever visited Times Square? No. I dunno if I wanna go there...it seems so crowded and claustrophobic, not to mention super tourist-y haha. I’d love to visit once just to see the bright lights and the giant ads, but I’d much rather be at museums and historical sites.

40. Do you tell people to “take care” at the end of a conversation with them? Sometimes. I’ve been saying it a lot more often these days, for obvious reasons.

41. Where is somewhere that you would like to move to? Canada. But I also feel like if I moved there immediately it would be such a culture shock in terms of the weather, culture, how far away I am from family, etc. and I doubt I would cope well. I suppose I can move to either Vietnam or Singapore first, as kind of like a baby step.

42. What is something in your home that needs to be repaired? One of the stovetop burners stopped working last night and my dad’s determined to fix that.

43. What kind of sleepwear do you own? I go to bed in just my normal home clothes; I don’t change to anything else.

44. What skin care products do you use? Water. ;) I’m one of the lucky ones lol.

45. Do you have any spyware on your computer? Nope.

46. Do you own any sportswear? What sports? I have athletic shorts from when I played table tennis.

47. Do you like Fred Astaire? Sure. I’ve only seen one movie of his (Funny Face) and he was a delight in that.

48. How long does it take you to prepare a meal? I only ever make instant meals, oops.

49. Do you know anyone named Pierre? Yes, Eva’s youngest sister is a Pierre. I’m just not sure if it’s also the same spelling.

50. Are you going nowhere fast? I hope not. I’m giving myself a quick break for now after studying for 18 years straight but like I’m not out of ambition or anything like that at all.

51. How often do you have a nightmare? Not very. They only show up when I’m going through a depression. My last nightmare was two or so years ago.

52. How often are you able to catch something in mid-air? It’s unpredictable with me. Some days my reflexes are great but sometimes I’ll just be so clumsy.

53. What do your lawn chairs look like? Brown and wooden.

54. How many chairs are at your dining/kitchen table? Six; just right for our family of five.

55. Favorite type of footwear? Sneakersssssss.

56. When’s the last time one of your senses were impaired? From what? My left eye still gets irritated from time to time. We never really found out what’s wrong with it; my first checkup happened on the day before lockdown, so we never got to go back. When it starts to act up, I usually have no choice but to wait for it to go away.

57. Have you ever been in a hot air balloon before? No. I’ve been to hot air balloon festivals though. That’s enough for me haha; I’m not desiring to be in one and be up in the sky.

58. Do you have a good health care plan? My parents do for us kids.

59. Last time you went to the hardware store? Months ago.

60. Have you ever played foursquare before? No. I thought that was just a website. Oops.

61. Do you own any types of eyewear? I’ve worn a pair of glasses since I was 11. I had needed them much earlier but my mom always thought I was being a sissy and just ‘wanted’ glasses to fit in with other kids. It was such a stupid mindset, and it was so stupid of her to not believe her kid WHO WAS STARTING TO NOT SEE. It was only when I took an eye exam at the school clinic and the school wrote her a letter that she finally believed me, but I had been suffering for a while and could barely read the chalkboard for like two years, which definitely affected my grades.

62. What brand of cookware do you have a lot of? Not sure about brands.

63. Nothing can compare to: Having a complete, loving, and supportive family.

64. Have you ever worked in a childcare center? I haven’t.

65. Do you have a “beware of dog” sign on your gate? Nah. I usually say it myself. Kimi never got used to strangers.

66. Have you ever attended daycare as a child? I guess you can say that? It wasn’t daycare per se but some malls used to have play areas/centers and my mom used to drop me off in those while she ran errands for a few hours. Those aren’t too common nowadays because I guess it’s more dangerous to leave your kids now, even with attendants, but they were a fun part of my childhood.

67. Are you very aware of your surroundings? I’m honestly a little ditzy so no. I always need a more responsible, more street smart friend by my side especially when I’m going somewhere unfamiliar.

68. Have you ever had an au pair or a nanny before? We used to have househelp, but we never saw them as nannies. A vast majority of them never met my mom’s (extremely high) expectations and quit in a few weeks or months, sometimes even days; the few ones who did eventually wanted better lives for themselves and resigned after a few years, which we didn’t stop them from doing. At some point my mom gave up having help around and realized that ultimately, she’d rather clean up and do chores her way.

69. Do you know anyone who has had an affair? Yes.

70. How much are you willing to spend on airfare? I’ve never bought my own ticket so I don’t know how much they’re supposed to be on average...but I imagine I’m willing to pay a lot of money if it means going to the destinations of my dreams.

71. Who do you care about the most? The friends that I count as family.

72. Are you more likely to choose truth or dare? Truth. I’m too shy to do dares and I’ve never had a problem telling the truth anyway.

73. Have you ever seen the Blair Witch Project before? Yes, a few times.

74. Do you like the name Claire? Would you spell it with or without the I? I love it, it sounds elegant and graceful and it’s one of my favorite names. I prefer it with an I – I don’t know any Clares, actually.

75. Last time you went to a fair? Last week of January.

76. What can be done to make life more fair? Ending world hunger and poverty and making education accessible for all.

77. How much are you willing to spend on cab fare? Not much. Cab fares should be fair after all.

78. Do you have a lot of flair? To some extent, I guess. I’m certainly not dragging myself down haha.

79. Do you own flare jeans? Nopes.

80. Is there a glare on your computer screen right now? There isn’t.

81. When’s the last time someone glared at you? Sometime in the last week would be a safe guess. My mom will sometimes communicate through glares and I’ve picked up the habit from her as well.

82. What type of hair do you have? (color, length, texture, etc) How often do you wash it? It’s black, quite thick, a bit on the wavy side, and has a tendency to get frizzy when it’s humid. Length-wise, it currently reaches just my collarbones. After a rebonding disaster around a decade ago my hair got a bit dry and it never really recovered from that, so I need to wash my hair with a giant blob of conditioner every time I take a shower otherwise it would get dry and hard.

83. Do you know the difference between a rabbit and a hare? I know hares are larger, but that’s about it.

84. Do you like to eat eclairs? LOVE them.

85. What do you consider to be your lair? My car has served as my safety bubble for so many depressing days in college. That’s why I got a little heartbroken when my dad told me he might have plans to sell it to my aunt (his sister).

86. A female horse is called a mare. What is a male horse called? A baby horse? Stallion; foal. Thank you, kid’s almanacs haha.

87. Have you ever used Nair before? Did it work? I used Veet in middle school when razors still scared me. It worked, but it took a whiiiiile and sometimes it wouldn’t even take all the hair off, so eventually I just started shaving.

88. Has anyone ever told you to “grow a pair”? No, and no thanks.

89. What is something that you own a pair of? Dogs.

90. What is a rare quality that you have? Other people will have to answer that. They’re the ones who see me and get to decide what’s rare about me.

91. Last food you pared? I don’t think I’ve done that.

92. Do you know someone who is a debonair? Sure.

93. Do you like to scare others for fun? No.

94. What is something that scares you? The idea of being in a plane crash, for one.

95. Do you like Sonny and Cher? Can’t say I’m a fan or that I’ve listened to anything of theirs.

96. Do you know how to share? Do you like to share? Sure. The only thing I’m a little selfish about is my food lol.

97. Have you ever played a snare drum before? A few times before, yes.

98. What do you do with your spare change? I give them to the tambays who help me get out of parking spots. That or I use it to buy food in school, since everything in UP’s cheap enough to pay with coins.

99. Do you know how to put on a spare tire? No. I’m interested to learn though.

100. Have you ever gotten a spare while bowling before? Yep, it’s happened a few times.

101. When’s the last time you wished someone would spare you the details? A week ago.

102. Do you win games fair and square? Sure. I’ve only cheated once and that was on an exam.

103. Do you know how to find the square root of something? Not anymore. I do have a bunch of perfect squares still memorized, though.

104. What are the characteristics of a square shape? Four equal sides that are also right angles.

105. Have you ever been called a square before? No. I don’t know what that means either, so if I got called that I wouldn’t know how to react.

106. Do you prefer the elevator or the stairs? Elevator.

107. Do you ever stare at other people? Only if it’s a bizarre situation. Once when this drunk guy got arrested in BGC and was being physical with the police, I stared and watched the whole thing. I do try to look away for most scenarios though.

108. How often do you swear? A few times a day.

109. Do you ever “swear on your life”? It’s not a saying that I commonly use, no.

110. What do you like to “tear up”? Eh, I don’t really like tearing up things.

111. What type of wares would you sell? Not interested in sales or business, so that’s a pass for me haha.

112. What kinds of clothing do you like to wear? I like wearing whatever’s trendy, as long as I genuinely like the look.

113. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare before? Never. [a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse]

#survey #surveys

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uglypaw · 5 years

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i'm 6 weeks post op as of yesterday! heres my full diary for the first week post op that i wrote during recovery if anyone wants to know what my experience was. CW: blood, surgery, drugs, unsanitary, self harm. if you have any other questions im happy to answer them!

sorry for how long this is lol--

june 21 friday (surgery day)

i'm writing this a few days later but here's how i remember it--

i checked in to the empty office and the copay was $10. the receptionist had me sign a form so that they could call my dad once my surgery was over and he gave me a plastic medical bracelet with my info on it. we hung out in the waiting room for about 10 minutes before i was called in by a nurse. she asked me if i had to pee (i did) and asked if there was a chance i could be pregnant (there wasn't). this nurse was very apathetic and had a very flat voice. i didn't like her.

she had me go to a bed with a gown and a bag for my stuff on it and instructed me to change with the curtain drawn. i did and hung out for about 10 minutes for her to come back, and then she had me lie down and covered me with a blanket and went over my medical record and what meds i was taking and stuff like that. while she was doing this, a male nurse came by and gave me a bunch of painkillers to take with a cup of water(i almost choked on them), and put in my IV on my hand, which was the most painful part. he said i have thick skin on my hand and he really had to push. at this point i got kinda lightheaded hearing him say that but i calmed myself down after a bit.

they called my dad back in and another nurse told me it would be about an hour before the surgeon came to see me. we hung out and played with the monitors on my blood pressure and heart rate and O2 and stuff and made jokes about writing messages on my torso for the surgeon to see when i was under. during the entire time waiting for surgery i was super hungry and wanted to hurry up so i could eat afterwords.

after about an hour the surgeon came by and marked me up, which was kind of uncomfortable because the markers he used were sharp. he held conversation the whole time and was very friendly and charismatic. he went over the marks a bunch of times, and had tentative places marked for my nipple grafts.

he told me the right side was larger than the left so the incision would have to be a bit longer, but since i'd lost weight the incisions were going to be very minimal either way.

after he marked me up he left me again and i asked another nurse to use the bathroom and i got a heated blanket. the anesthesiologist came by and he was funny and casual and alleviated any anxiety by explaining what meds he would be using on me (don't worry about the pain, i prescribe A LOT!!!) and he left once more and another nurse (OR helper) double checked what procedure i'd be doing on the computer, and she told me they would ask me the same questions again once we were in the OR to double confirm. (this ended up not happening because i passed out pretty quick.)

they came by again and confirmed the OR was ready for me, and the anesthesiologist gave me two shots into my IV of some warm liquid and told me i'd be feeling it pretty quick because they were strong (he was right, within a few minutes i was feeling loopy and warm. i was worried i'd have a panic attack about the meds taking effect so fast but it was nice). my dad filmed this part.

they came by about 5 minutes later and said they were ready so they had my dad go back to the waiting room and wheeled me to the OR which was a tiny room with a lot of machines and bright lights and white walls. i remember thinking it looked nothing like it did on TV. they had my name on a whiteboard on the wall. they introduced me to some of the new people i hadn't seen before but i was pretty out of it by then so i wasn't paying too much attention.

they had me scoot over from my hospital bed to the surgery table, and had my arms out to the sides crucifix style. i thought this was really funny and made a note to remember it after surgery.

i recall a few more moments of them rechecking my charts but then the next thing i remember is coming out of anesthesia and seeing my dad and the lights overheard being really bright. someone took off my oxygen mask but i think i was having trouble waking up so they had to put it back on so i would breathe.

they tried to sit me up too fast and i almost passed out so i was given water and gatorade (that i brought from home) and they very slowly raised my bed. my throat was really sore during this time and i remember the gatorade burning as i drank but it was better than the water.

coming out of anesthesia was long and i remember being irritated at it taking so much time and making everyone wait for me. i was also the second to last person in the recovery room (there was a lady next to me coughing a lot, the nurses were saying she was a handful).

my dad told me the doctor told him it was a super easy surgery and it made a difference that i was "lean". he said i might not have fluid in my drains by monday (surgery was on friday) but they wanted to be absolutely sure that i wasn't draining anymore before taking them out.

we talked with the nurse for a while as i caught my breath and could sit up again, and my dad ran to the pharmacy downstairs to pick up my muscle relaxer meds before we left. the nurse talked to me about my transition and stuff like that. i didn't mind because i was still pretty out of it.

when my dad came back they got me a wheelchair but made sure i could stand and could walk to the wall without falling. i was pretty weak but made it steadily. i was surprised how mobile i was. my dad helped me get dressed but i didn't need much assistance.

my dad pulled the car around the front while the nurse wheeled me down to him, and we chatted as we went. the whole hospital was empty and it looked closed. he pulled my chair right up to the car and helped me in, and we thanked him a few times before leaving. he kept repeating if there was any issue with drains coming out to come back to this hospital.

the drive home was fine, and when we got back my dad insisted on taking the dogs out so i could get out of the car. he helped me out and eased me inside to my room. my mom gave me soup though i wasn't too hungry. i chilled in bed for a few hours before falling asleep and my dad showed everyone how to empty the drains. my mom was grossed out but not too much.

i ended up eating about half an edible to help me fall asleep and manage some of the discomfort, but i could have done without it. i had to pee a LOT during the night because of how many IV bags they'd given me. right when i came out of surgery they told me it was good i was dehydrated because it meant i had followed the instructions on not drinking nor eating since midnight the night before.

i was a little worried about wiping myself but my arms were very mobile and i could do it no problem.

i took a bit of tylenol but none of my prescriptions because the pain was very manageable.

sleeping on my back was the hardest part as i was supposed to be sitting up, and my neck was killing me even with my travel pillow. my butt was also really sore so the next morning i made an effort to walk around a bit. having a big squishy pillow under my butt while i slept also helped with the soreness and by day two it was fine. i stretched my legs a lot and tried to lay down as little as i could.

june 22, saturday

morning after surgery

night 1 wasn't great! i woke up a lot to go pee and it was uncomfortable laying sitting up. my neck ended up hurting a lot from the travel pillow. this morning brutus wanted to be with me so bad and i felt bad sleeping without him. i had to maneuver him around so he was on my lap and not my chest because he wanted to be close.

my incisions hurt a bit but it's not unbearable. it feels like the night after i made a big self harm cut, stings and i don't want to jostle them.

the rice krispy definitely helped last night with pain and relaxation and falling asleep, and i'm surprised it didn't give me anxiety or a bad dream.

i don't like sleeping on my back. i woke up around 3 to pee and didn't get back to sleep until almost 5. i was thinking about food to eat the whole time.

i really want ihop pancakes and syrup.

i'm getting little sharp shoots of pain on parts of my chest but they're not too bad and hopefully they mean i'm healing. i'm hopeful they're where my nipples are.

i really should have brought cough drops to the hospital, my throat was very sore after intubation.

i feel electrodes still stuck to my upper chest and i want them off, they're irritating. (i ended up peeling them off a few hours later)

it's still tough to pee but i've been taking short walks around the house to stretch my legs. i. get tired easily so they don't last more than a few minutes. still haven't taken any of my prescribed pain meds, but the pain is getting worse i think. people are telling me the pain will get worse tomorrow.

i've been vaping thc and taking tylenol to manage the pain and they make me sleepy so i've been taking 2-2.5 hour naps and then getting up to pee and snack.

i took a norco pill in the afternoon but i dont think i needed it. i didn't feel much of an effect from it at all, but it did make me sleepy. that evening i went for a bit of a walk around the front yard.

june 23, sunday

i didn't sleep very well again last night but it was better than the day before. i think having a soft pillow under my butt helped with the soreness and i didn't need the travel pillow as much as i did yesterday with my naps. i still woke up disoriented a lot from my 2 hour naps

i stayed up till like midnight and then just passed out from exhaustion so i didn't wake up very much during the night to pee. this morning i woke up very refreshed but feeling gross physically. i cleaned out my own drains, had papa clean my shoulders and put on my testosterone, and megan dry shampoo my hair. i still haven't pooped but i'm not making too much of an effort. j think i'll take laxatives today.

thus far the pain isn't too bad. last night i had little twinges of sharp pain along my sides near my armpits but haven't had any since. taking deep breaths is getting harder because the incisions are getting more sore and my back is hurting from the binder.

this morning when we drained my drains one of them had barely anything in it which is good

update: i did poop a bit. i've been peeing a lot today.

i haven't napped at all but my arms are getting painful from being squeezed from the binder.

having that shower in a bottle has helped keep me feeling fresh and clean. i may take a sponge bath sometime this week. hygiene is keeping me feeling good, i brushed my teeth and washed my face with actual soap earlier which helped me feel good.

june 24, monday

i'm very sleepy today. i washed myself again with the shower in a bottle and i woke up itchy. i took a long nap in the middle of the day and i'm still pretty out of it and tired. i woke up last night only twice to have diarrhea from the ex lax chocolate papa got me yesterday.

i didn't have a lot of fluid in my drains this morning but it was more than yesterday.

my right drain keeps coming undone. i took another nap today and once i woke up i saw it was completely inflated. i fixed it pretty easily but it's strange it keeps happening.

ive been having binding pains a lot today from being compressed so tight. it hurts mostly when i stand up.

i gave myself a sponge bath today and washed my hair in the sink! i think that activity drained me because afterwards i took a 2 hr nap. i keep feeling like i'm sleeping a lot but all my naps are quite short.

june 25, tuesday

today i had a bit more pain where the drain sites are. it stings and burns a bit but it's not unbearable, just very uncomfortable. it happens regardless of the arm positioning.

i'm getting a lot more tingling/pins and needles over my chest but my actual incisions don't hurt. my ribs and back are killing me from the binder soreness, and i've been tired but not enough to sleep. every time i get up it kind of resets the pain so i'm trying not to adjust a lot.

i feel like i've been eating a lot of crap the past few days so im trying to be more mindful about eating more protein and less refined sugar

also, my chest was very itchy so i put my hand down the front of my vest to scratch it and i couldn't feel anything. it felt like when a limb falls asleep too hard to even be pins and needles and just turns numb. it made me uncomfortable so i only did it a few more times.

i have less energy to walk today than i did yesterday, but not tired enough to sleep. i'll definitely take more of the sleepy antihistamines to sleep tonight.

june 26, wednesday

not much new stuff to update on today. i took two norco pills because one didn't do anything and i almost passed out, i got super lightheaded and nauseous and had to lie down for a while to let my brain catch up.

we took the dogs on a walk to the gate and my chest felt weird walking but not in a totally bad way, i just had to go a little slower so i didn't jostle anything.

i'm so excited for friday! i can't wait to get my drains out.

pain has been pretty minimal today though i did take a few naps. i haven't smoked today at all because i wanna keep my brain clear and save my weed and there hasn't been a huge difference in pain.

my muscles feel very good today and it doesn't hurt to stretch my shoulders and reach for things as much.

drain sites are still very itchy and kinda sore. not a lot of fluid but i noticed the right side hasn't been inflating as much! i think it just needed to be milked and cleaned better.

june 27, thursday

the pain has been the worst today by far. i was draining a lot and found out that exercise or excessive movement will cause more drainage, and i did go on a longish walk yesterday with my mom and the dogs. i ended up taking tylenol, flexeril, hit my pen, and had the rest of the rice krispy treat just to dull the pain. it's starting to go away now but i'm still getting like stinging throbs and aches where my drains are. i'm definitely taking painkillers before we go tomorrow!!

i'm worried the excess drainage means that they'll want me to keep the drains in longer. i rally hope not, they're the one thing causing me pain.

i looked at my chest this morning and last evening and there's a little blood bubble inside the plastic they taped me up with on my left side. i can see my chest too, with all the surgeon marks and the edges of the incisions. it does look like he curved under the pec muscle. i was expecting straight line incisions, though i'm sure i'll warm up to it.

i've been very weak and light headed today, and when i stand up i need to take a minute to let the stars go away out of my vision.

june 28, friday

today's the day! we're leaving soon to go to kaiser for my one week post op. i really hope they take the drains out despite the spike in fluid i had the other day from going on that walk.

i'm very tired today and feeling very lazy. usually i want to bathe in the mornings but today i feel so gross i don't want to do anything. i managed to get myself out of bed today to do my laundry but that's as much work as i could manage.

later; they ended up not taking the drains out because of the spike in fluids from going on a walk the other day. they want to be 100% sure that there's less than 20mg over two or three days so i'm making an appointment for monday.

Monday update: got the drains out. Completely painless and not uncomfortable -- didn’t have much sensation in the area and the nurse distracted me so I didn’t notice her removing them. The worst part was her cleaning the area with alcohol beforehand.

#speaks #top surgery #surgery #post op #recovery #long post #cw

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lani-machinists · 5 years

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The White of the Eye

If you are reading this you have to know that I'm not crazy. I know what I saw. None of this makes any sense. Let me give context to what happened. 2 weeks ago on a Saturday, I woke up a usual then went downstairs and brewed a cup of coffee. I spent several hours on eBay seeing if the items I put up were bought. An alarm went off on my phone so I went over to the pantry and pull out some generic dog food. "Tam come get a girl" I said as a little bull terrier strutted towards the bowl and started eating in. I bent down and started petting her admiring her. I got up and went back upstairs to get ready to meet a friend.

I came back down after getting ready and at the bottom of the stairs Tam was standing there acting weird. She just stared at me with an expression that I didn't think a dog could make. Something else was also a little off. Usually with dogs you can't see the white of their eyes as easy. They would have to look in some direction with their head staying in place for you to see anything. However with Tam I could see the whites of her eyes like she had human eyes. The intensity with which she looked at me gave me a shiver down my spine. "Hey Tam, whatchu need girl". She stands there a bit longer before turning her head and moving out of view.

Confused but, too caught up in my own head I ignore it and walk out the door. Once I arrive to the cafe. I met up with Chelsea, "So it's been a while what are you up to now a days" she said sipping lemonade.

"It's been kind of the same since the last time we spoke, still between job" I say turning my head looking towards the window. I look out for a moment kind of letting my mind wander. "Hey Kim, you alright"? Chelsea ask waving her hand in front of my face. "Oh nothing just wondering when things will finally workout in my favor".

"Don't worry everything comes in its own time" Chelsea smiles and it almost made me believe her. "Yeah well now would be as good of a time as ever" I said giving a cynical laugh.

"Hey Kim why are you scratching yourself so much". Chelsea looks quite concerned. I was unaware but I was scratching my head variously once I noticed it, the feeling hit. The itch was so unbearable. I felt like tearing through my skin. I kept scratching and then I felt something wet. I look at my finger and see drops of red on it. "Oh my… Kim are alright" Chelsea had a horrified expression.

"Yeah I just have a real bad itch" I said grabbing my hand with my other one, clinching it tight trying to ignore the urge to continue scratching. For a second we just sat there. "Kim, you're still...bleeding". Chelsea pointed to my face

"Oh well it probably best that I go". I say awkward and exit before Chelsea had time to say anything. I left to my car and drove home. After I look at myself in the mirror, everything seems fine. I treated my wound and decided to rest a bit. I poured myself a drink and sat on the couch watching Netflix. As it got dark I got ready to go to sleep and I saw Tam at the end of the room starving right at me, then turned around and walked away. Too tired to really pay attention I went upstairs and got to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night coming to answer nature's call. As I drowsily walked to the bathroom I smelled an odor so strong I almost vomited on the spot. I ran into the toilet and released my dinner. Washing my face and still tired I looked at myself in the mirror thinking how this has been the weirdest and worst day I had. While I looked at the mirror I could see in the reflection Tam is figure at the opening. "Tam what are you doing?" I said with hints of uneasiness in my voice. She scamper away and I followed after wondering if she was okay since she isn't up at this hour. I walk after and notice she moves faster then she usually does. It starts to feel like I'm chasing her and for a second I swore I saw her stand on two legs but not how most dogs do it, her bone structure was off. I rubbed my eyes and she was back on all fours. "Tam" I said still partially asleep and cautious. She still had her back to me. I went to go pick her up and I examine her. Everything looked normal and she licked my face. I put her back down and went back to bed.

The next morning I woke up feeling terrible I woke up feeling terrible and paranoia. I was focused on last night. I got and went downstairs to see Tam, she was there just sleeping peacefully. Over the next coming days I watched and wrote down everything. However the more I noted the mirror seem like I was the weird one. Outside of that one night and tams occasion sitting stating out of the window she was pretty normal. I started to feel bad thinking there was something going on besides my own neurosis. One of those days as I was getting ready to watch her when I got a notify on my phone about a job interview. I started freaking out, I was so caught up by all this crap that I forgot it was today. I rushed to get ready and heading out the door. I was able to make it in time and calm myself down.

I walk through the door and went into the interview room. "Good morning" and older man said with a strained face and nicely fitted suit. "I'm doing fine today and you" I responded.

"Well enough" he said trying to be personable. He flips through papers, pushing his glasses up. "So looking at your resume it is quite impressive, however there is a gap for about 6 month, can you tell me what happen".

"Well the reason for that…" I stopped and started to rub my eyes for a second.

"Ms. Kimberly is everything alright"

" Yes sir just had something in my eye". I said even though nothing was, my vision went blurry and when it refocused everything was odd. The normal colors that I could see change. I could only see grays, blues and yellows. I have no history of color blindness in my family and I have never heard of it happening onset. I tried to regain my focus to answer his question. Then before I could form another word a pungent odor hit me like a brick. It was so horrid that a second later I rises up and ran to the nearest toilet and vomited. After losing my lunch for a few seconds and being full of embracement I decide to leave . I got home and still feeling sick, I went to bed crying myself to sleep.

I woke up the next morning. My eyes still haven't returned to normal. I got up and went over to my phone and saw an email. It was the interviewer, he felt bad that I got "sick and couldn't finish the interview and to see if I would like to reschedule". I also saw a text from Chelsea asking if I was okay. She sent several messages that I hadn't responded to. I felt bad for not responding but I didn't know how to bring it up with her. I looked at the phone for a bit contemplating what I would say to her. That is when I hear a ring of the doorbell. I went downstairs and saw Chelsea at the window waving. I open the door. "Hey Chelsea what are you doing".

"I came to check on you". She said embracing me. "I was worried because you hadn't responded to any of my texts".

"I'm sorry I have been going through a lot, I didn't know how to tell you" I hugged back tight burying my face in her shoulder fighting back tears. We held each other for a solid minute. She smelled so nice. We both sat at my table and I told her what happened yesterday. "Our you coming down with something".

"Well this is one hell of a flu I have" I say with a sarcastic laugh. "Why don't you go to the doctor and to check out what is going on".

"I don't know, I don't feel sick, how do I even explain it"

"You can't just let it pass, you don't know what else can happen"

"I guess you're right"

"Hey… what going with your face$ she said after a long break in convo. "I don't know what you mean."

"Hold don't move" she said moving closer to me reaching her hand towards my face. Like an instinct it happened before I even realized I had done it. As her hand reach my face I open my mouth bit down hard. So hard that it drew blood "what the hell" she screamed in pain. Once u came I immediately let go. "Chelsea I'm sor.." Chelsea got up before I was able to finish my apology and ran to the door before she left she turn around to say "you need help" and left.

I sat there for a while dejected and not moving a muscle, I didn't get up until it got dark. I sighed and got to go out food in Tam's bowl "Tam come get it". However she didn't come "Come on Tam stop playing around" still she didn't come around. I sighed knowing that this wasn't going to end up well for me. I checked the place that see is usually at. After a few minutes if searching and coming up with knowing, I decide to go to a place I recently started to find her at.

I go to the section of the room where the window allows moonlight. There she was sitting looking out the window. I hesitate feeling an uneasiness in my gut. "T..Tam"? She turned her head, eyes as piercing and human-like as ever. She wasn't looking through me nor at me. It seemed more like she was contemplating something. "K-Kimberly your time i-is u-up,". she almost looking like it cause her pain to open her mouth in that way. I stood there frozen in fear, head spinning trying to process what was going on. "Come here" as she said she got up a d contorted body until it stood unnaturally upright. I immediately ran upstairs to my room. Locking the door. I cried on my bed until I pass out. I woke up jolting myself out of bed. My face crusty I come to remembering what happened last night. It was at that moment my doorbell rang and I rushed to out decent clothes on, I looked at the window and I saw Robert my neighbor across the street this perplexed me because rarely talked. I open the door "Hey Robert what do I owe this visit to"

"Hey neighbor I had been trying to reach you for a few weeks now" Robert said with a smile. I looked at him eyes rolled, remembering the emails I had deleted without even reading. "Well right now isn't a good time.."

"Hold on now I want to say this extremely important to the well being of the neighbor". Robert insisted I reluctantly let him in knowing I probably he wasn't going to take no for an answer. "You want some coffee" I ask going to the pantry.

"Yes ma'am"

"So Robert what is this about". I say opening the cabinet doors. However there was no response. "Robert"? I turned around and he wasn't there. I heard talking coming from the other room. I walked cautiously towards the room hiding behind the wall to listen closely. " Look here I have a nice place for her, she'll be treated really well". It sound like it was coming from Robert. I suddenly peaked my head around the corner and saw Robert and Tam heads turned looking directly at me. For a moment it was quiet. I made a mad dash for the kitchen. Robert ran after mem I made it to the drawer and pulled out a kitchen knife. I swung it at Robert with all my might . I was taken by surprise at nimble and fast his was. He dodged my attack and knocked the knife out of my hand. I tried to run at that point. I was too slow. He got me and pinned me down. The last thing I remember is his first coming down on my face.

Now I'm writing from this cell. However things are a little weird it is incredibly small, barely enough space to move. When I'm feed it on a dish instead of plate. Lastly when I get a water dish and I look into the reflection noticing something odd. I can't see the whites of my eyes.

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trustyourgutblog · 5 years

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When Shit Got Real - My Journey to Digestive Disease Diagnoses

Greetings everyone! C Here :]

One of the reasons that S and I decided to create this blog is that we both struggle with chronic health conditions. I thought a good place to start would be talking about my journey of how I got diagnosed. In May of 2016, I graduated from my clinical social work master’s program. The previous 2 years had been among some of the most stress-inducing years of my life and I have a feeling that the life stressors, along with genetic predispositions, were significant catalysts to my diagnoses.

I had grown up in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (s/o to all da Yoopers reading this) and in order to pursue my dreams of attending graduate school to become a mental health provider, I had to move away from my family, friends, and the place that I had always called home.

*Enter huge stress catalyst number 1*

A few weeks before I was scheduled to leave for graduate school, I started to experience some major anxiety about moving so far away from my family and friends and attending school (thanks to the semester that I had taken off). I wasn’t experiencing full blown panic attacks, but my episodes of racing thoughts, rapid heart rate, and shortness of breath were enough to make me ask my primary care provider for anxiety medication. Thank the universe that she was a Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine (DO) and encouraged me to try more holistic ways to manage my anxiety such as going for walks, staying active, and seeking out help from natural supports.

Fast forward to finding an apartment, completing the 400 mile move, and entering graduate school. The first few weeks were pretty difficult, but eventually I made friends and began to somewhat relax. The academic and scheduling demands of grad school were constant and I was experiencing a baseline level of stress at all times (juggling classes, homework, reading, my internship, and a side job). Not to mention, I also pushed myself out of my comfort zone to study abroad in Europe for 2 weeks during the summer between my first and second year. Don’t get me wrong, I was having a blast and the busyness of my new life was exhilarating. But, I was putting my body under months and months of ongoing stress without pause.

Grad school seemed to fly by and before I knew it, it was May of 2016 and I graduated with a 4.0. You guessed it – I’m Type A and a self-proclaimed perfectionist (I’m including my GPA here to illustrate the level of chronic stress that I was experiencing – if you’re a control freak like me, you know this type of stress). A few weeks after graduation, I continued to work my student assistant job as I looked for a job in social work. I was also on the hunt for a rural location so that I could get more assistance with my student loans. Seven applications later and I had gotten a call back from a Community Mental Health agency requesting to schedule an interview.

A few days after the interview, I received a phone call stating that I had landed the job! Praise be! I was so excited that thinking about the stress of finding a new place to live and the 2- hour commute hadn’t even occurred to me. It turns out that they were short-staffed (big surprise in social work, I know) and wanted me to start right away. So, I gave a 2 week notice at my other job and began looking for a place to live. I started working a few days a week at my new job (since commuting 2 hours a day, 5 days a week is enough to make anyone go mad), and was able to able to find a place that was halfway in between my boyfriend’s job and mine. About a week after my boyfriend and I had signed the lease, he was given another work assignment and he would no longer be working at this site – he was now going to be assigned a traveling job where he would have to visit sites all over the country. So here I was. Stuck in a 1-year lease in a town with no friends or family and facing the cold, hard reality of a long distance relationship. Well, shit. I was now going to be separated from my best friend who I had lived with since I was 17 years old.

*Cue mental breakdown*

I tried to stay positive and began my new job with my typical enthusiastic, bright personality. However, your first job as a social worker, fresh out of graduate school, is anything but bright. Don’t get me wrong! I gained some invaluable experience and met the most phenomenal people. But, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that it was confusing, stressful, and straight up terrifying.

*Enter gut health spiral*

A few weeks into my job, I started noticing some changes in my digestion. If you feel uncomfortable with females talking about their bowel movements, then you may want to stop reading here. Seriously - there’s gonna be a lot of poop talk. As a kid, I’ve always been a 3,4,5 times a day pooper (where’s the poop emoji on this thing?!). My bowel movements always seemed “healthy” and I never had any trouble going. So, it was very strange to me that I was starting to experience constipation.

Huh, that’s odd, I thought.

Too busy to think much of it, I “just kept swimming” with my fast-paced life. After a few weeks of on and off constipation, I started noticing that I had blood in my stools.

Woah. That’s not right.

My mind immediately thought of my older sister. She had been diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease within the last 2 years. My first cousin had also recently been diagnosed with Crohn’s after a major hospitalization and the removal of some of her colon. Naturally, I began to panic. I immediately thought I must have it too and texted my sister. She texted back a few minutes

later –

“You need to go get a colonoscopy.”

So, I went about finding a primary care doctor as I had barely been moved to the area for a month and hadn’t been established with anyone yet. The provider I found was nice enough, but she totally dismissed my concerns as some mild constipation and potential hemorrhoids. I requested that she refer me to a gastroenterologist for a colonoscopy and instead she sent me to a colorectal surgeon.

*eye roll*

Looking back, I wish I would have advocated further for myself. This provider was clearly dismissing my concerns and referring me to a surgeon would get me off of her back. She expected him to examine me and find that nothing was wrong. No, I’m not making a judgment. The next time she saw me I had already been diagnosed and she was genuinely surprised. I should have trusted my gut (see what I did there ;]) and pushed for a colonoscopy right away.

At this next appointment, the provider (who, mind you, was a dude) performed a Sigmoidoscopy. This means that he put a long tube with a camera attached to it up my butt (WHILE I WAS AWAKE) and promptly told me that he was seeing inflammation and I needed a colonoscopy.

NO FUCKING SHIT.

So, after spending an uncomfortable $40 at this appointment, he referred me to a gastroenterologist and said that there’s a potential that I have Ulcerative Colitis. Phew. Anything was better than a Crohn’s diagnosis. Since I had that appointment with the surgeon, I was able to skip right to a colonoscopy without a GI consult prior. I had to call my boyfriend (who was currently across the country in Utah) and ask if he could fly home for a few days to drive me to and from the appointment. Being the supportive angel that he is, he agreed to come home and a few weeks later I had my first colonoscopy.

My new GI doc - a pretty, blonde, and particularly cold woman, explained that she couldn’t figure out if I had Crohn’s or not. Basically, the inflammation in my colon that was causing the bleeding and constipation was so far up in my tract that they needed to try an Esophagogastroduodenoscopy (EGD). Aka go in the other way. She prescribed a mild steroid to help control the inflammation while they tried to figure out exactly what was going on. Thankfully, my boyfriend was home for a week, so I was able to schedule the EGD while he was home. Another round of prep (aka pooping my brains out), another 2 days off of work, and a procedure later and they STILL couldn’t definitively diagnose me with Crohn’s.

So, another procedure was recommended.

“We’ll need to complete a Capsule Endoscopy.”

Aka swallow a giant horse pill that is actually a camera and it takes pictures of your insides while it moves through your digestive tract. Am I actually in an episode of the Magic School Bus? Another day of prep and another day taken off of work to walk around with a giant fanny pack (and not the cute kind) of wires taking pictures of my insides.

Finally, here I sit in an exam room at my new GI’s office - four months later. Anxiously waiting at my GI doctor’s office for her to come in and inform me of the results of the plethora of testing that I had undergone. It had been 6 months since I first noticed the blood in my stool. Six months of labs, procedures, and office visits. If there was ever a drum roll moment, this was it.

My GI doc walked in, greeted me, and said, “Well, it looks like you have Crohn’s.” My heart stopped and ironically, my stomach dropped. Watching my sister endure the complicated symptoms of her Crohn’s over the last 2 years did not give me a hopeful look into my future. She had told me horror stories of having to poop in the woods while on a run because she just couldn’t hold it any longer, extreme fatigue that caused her to feel like she needs 12+ hours of sleep per night, and stomach cramping that was so unbearable it caused her to double over.

I wanted to cry, but I didn’t (see earlier reference to my doctor being cold AF). We discussed treatment options, she prescribed medications, and told me to “eat bland foods like bread, grilled cheese, and rice,” and sent me on my way. I got into my car after the appointment, called my boyfriend, and immediately broke down. The way I saw it, a Crohn’s diagnosis was a “see you later” to my former, happier existence. I couldn’t believe that this was my reality. My next call was to my sister, who I appreciate beyond belief. Because she knew the heartache that I was experiencing at that exact moment.

Okay, pity party over – flash to present day. I’ve now been living with Crohn’s, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), and Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD) for 3 years. Surprisingly, I am doing pretty well. My health isn’t perfect, but I’ve come a long way from 2016. If I’ve kept you entertained this far, I’d like to share more of my journey on how I’ve made my way to this healthier place in my next blog post.

As much as I felt like my diagnoses were a death sentence – I can now see that they were just a beginning to a new chapter in my life. This new chapter includes becoming more aware, mindful, and attuned to my body. In my upcoming blog posts, I’ll share how I have been able to improve my self-care, nutrition, and lifestyle in an effort to lead a more fulfilling, aligned life.

#crohn's problems #crohn's #crohn's disease #ibd #diagnostic #chronic disease #procedures #gi #ibs #inflammatory bowel disease

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chicksung · 6 years

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Red and White Roses- PJM Hanahaki Disease AU Chapter 2

Genre: Hanahaki AU, a little bit of fluff and quite a bit of angst

Pairing: Hanahaki Park Jimin x Hanahaki Reader

Warnings: Mentions of anxiety. depictions of blood and gore, throwing up flowers and panic attacks

Word Count: 4,011words, 21,753 characters

Post Date: 10/02/19

Summary: Everything in your life is spiraling out of control, your parents are getting divorced, 2 of your younger siblings are moving in with your father, you have to find an apartment and continue your English major at college and panic attacks are becoming a frequent thing. But what the cherry on top of your anxiety built cake? The name engraved on your right hand and the flowers growing in your stomach.

A/N: Hey there, here’s chapter 2 of RAWR. I really enjoy writing this so let me know what you wanna see in the future. <3

Chapter One II Chapter Two II Chapter Three II Chapter Four

Previously, in Red and White Roses:

‘He smiled and rushed over to you, pulling you into a friendly hug. You felt the tips of your ears and your cheeks flush pink at the very least. When he pulled away, he took your suitcase and gave you his sweet eye smile. The first time he spoke these words was the first time you felt the slight itch in your right hand. “Welcome back, Y/N.”’

The drive back to campus was quiet, with the occasional hum of a tune coming from Jimin. After three minutes of the unbearable silence, you reached into your backpack and pulled out your phone and earphones. You placed the small buds into your ears, unlocking your phone, searching your library of music and selecting the song that calms you the most. With the thoughts of what had happened a few weeks ago still plaguing your thoughts, you sighed deeply at the calming tune and vocals and stared out the rain splattered window. Jimin looked at you, unbeknownst to you and studied you for a few seconds before turning his gaze back to the road. The calming voices swimming in your ears made your eyes feel heavy and your body suddenly felt as if a tonne of bricks had been placed on top of it. You slowly closed your eyes, pressing your head against the window, letting the soft voices lull you into a deep and peaceful sleep, making up for the 2-4 hours you had been getting for the past few weeks.

XXX

You are woken by your shoulders being shook lightly. You lazily open your eyes to be greeted by Jimin’s round and soft looking face. You sit upright, pausing your music, shutting off your phone, tugging out your earphones and frantically shoving them into the front pocket of your backpack. You unbuckled your seat belt and got out of the small silver car, grabbing your backpack as you stepped out. Jimin stood there, chuckling lightly, your suitcase in his hands. You felt an unfamiliar sensation on your right hand but ignored it and grabbed the suitcase from him. You were now in the parking lot behind your dorm building, where a few cars were dotted around but not many. You fumbled for your keycard, scanning it and letting you both inside. You dropped your backpack and suitcase at the foot of your bed, flopping onto it when the weight from your shoulders were lifted, a familiar warmth flooding your body. You realized how much you missed being in your dorm, the light cream color of the walls, the dark blue duvet with yellow stars covering it you brought from home, the soft light pink bear your friend, Hoseok, bought for you. You felt a poke at your shoulder followed by a warm and soft voice of your dorm mate, Jimin.

“Jimin-ah, leave a girl to sleep, will you?” You grumbled, turning over and hugging the bear close to your chest. He giggled again, and turned you back over.

“Not at all. Come on, you said you had to tell me something last night.” You internally face palmed yourself, remembering you had originally planned to confess, but a more important matter filled your thoughts.

“O-oh, yeah. You see, the thing is, once we’ve finished this semester, my parents want me to move into an apartment. I don’t understand why but they said they would pay rent for me at least for the first 6 months until I find a more stable job. I just wanted to see if...you would be willing to share the apartment with me, you know how much I hate being alone, let alone living alone?” You pretty much whispered the last part, but Jimin heard and nodded his head. You began to smile when you felt the same sensation from the train station and the parking lot. You were too distracted looking at Jimin to bother looking down at your hand. You turned to the clock. It being 10:17pm, you were extremely tired and almost were unable to focus on a single raindrop on the window in the small walkway that separated yours and Jimin’s bed. You slowly stumbled to the shower, running the water and beginning to undress. You finally look down at your hand and are completely shocked to what your eyes pick up on. A name, etched into your hand. You had heard about this before, how most people had soulmates, however there were people (like both your parents) who didn’t have one and were able to love without boundaries. Normally, this wouldn’t affect you, except the name that was written on your hand was in a handwriting similar to your own and a name you knew too well. Park Jimin. The other thing that worried you was the color, normally the colors the names were in were about how deeply you care about them and how likely you were going to end up with them. Your color, red. The color of love and passion, yet also the same color as the crackling fire in your emotions. No matter how many times you had denied your feelings and tried to put out the fire, the fire would instantly reignite. However, this also meant you were very unlikely to ‘get over’ this person if they rejected your feelings. You shook the creeping feeling of anxiety from your head and continued to undress, entering the shower 30 seconds later. The warm water hit your skin like soft flower petals, washing away any scary or unhappy thoughts from your head. You came out of the shower, throwing on the light pink oversized T-shirt and powder blue shorts that you wore as pajamas. You walked out into your room, where you see Jimin, sitting on his phone, scrolling on some form of social media, making you giggle to yourself. “Nothing has changed since I left for Winter Break.” You thought to yourself as you somewhat waddled your side of the room, flipping back the covers and diving inside. The warmth from your blankets were some sort of comfort for you, always had been, considering you were studying under one of the most difficult majors in the university as a native Korean speaker. You felt a heavy sweep of tiredness flood throughout your body, weighing down your eyelids and letting you slip into a deep and dreamless state.

You woke up with a slight annoyance in your mood, how dare the sun disturb you from your slumber. You mumbled a few curse words before getting out of your warm bed, the cold air hitting your bare skin, making you mumble more curse words. You headed towards the bathroom and took a quick, warm shower (which honestly almost made you fall asleep in the shower) and changing into grey jeans, a striped sweater and a black beanie. You had no desire to go out today, but you knew you had to find a job, and the key part of getting a job is getting out of your dorm room. Thinking of how quiet the dorm was, you realized that your dorm mate was nowhere to be found, when you saw a bowl of still warm oatmeal and a note placed beside it.

“Y/N,

I’ve left early, and I didn’t want you to worry, nor get hungry so I sneaked you some food from the cafeteria, also, my friend, Yoongi, is looking for some employees to work at his small music shop down the street. I think you would be a perfect fit. Yoongi is pretty laid back and chill so I think you and him will get along just fine. His shop is next to the cafe we always go to after class, hope to see you working there soon.

~ Jimin”

You almost choked on your oatmeal when he had pretty much found you a job already. You finished up as quick as you could, fumbled around your desk to find a copy of your resume. You eventually stumble across it, underneath a few English Language workbooks. You picked up your backpack, phone and earphones and headed out the door (thankfully remembering your key card). You walked down the almost silent and deserted street, considering it was still pretty early, and there weren’t many students back from Winter break, as there was still 3 more days left. You smelt the familiar smell of a mocha fill your nose as you realized you were passing the cafe Jimin mentioned in his note, and, low and behold, there was the small music shop next to it. An equally tired man with deep red hair was just unlocking the door to which you presumed was his shop. You quickly walked up to him, hoping you weren’t bothering him.

“Excuse me sir, are you Yoongi?” You asked politely, clutching your resume to your chest. The man stared at you for a second, although you could practically feel his eye tear holes into your soul.

“Depends who’s asking.” He replied in an almost monotone voice. He pushed the door open and walked inside, you not too far behind him.

“I’m a friend of Jimin’s. He suggested this job to me, saying I would be a perfect fi-” You were cut off by Yoongi’s voice, but instead his voice filled with something you could only describe as joy.

“Say no more, I take it that you’re Lee Y/N?” He said, leaning against the counter in the small shop, covered wall to wall in different posters and record covers. “I’m Min Yoongi, owner of this store. I talked to Jimin last night, he talked about how you were looking for a job, something a little more stable than a waitress.” He held out his hand to you as he spoke, his dark eyes, which you swore were soulless when you first looked at him, were now warm and inviting. You smiled at his words, knowing that when he brought up your work problem that you knew he was telling the truth. Only Jimin knew that you had been a waitress, only he knew that you didn’t work at the quaint cafe next to the very music shop you stood in at this moment in time, only he knew why you came home one night and began bawling your eyes out, only he knew about the sexual harassment your manager put you through. A small smile crept across Yoongi’s face as he went behind the counter and pulled out an ID card from a drawer. You were somewhat surprised that he had been able to produce with little notice. You took the lanyard in your hands, flipping it through your fingers and looking back at Yoongi. It had your birthday, your name, your hometown and series of number which you assumed was your ID number, however there was a vital piece missing from the card, your photo. Yoongi realized your confused gaze and was pulling out a camera.

“Would you mind if I took your photo, for professional purposes?” Yoongi asked, pulling out a cord while typing and opening a file on the computer next to the cash register. You smiled, nodding once before walking towards him.

XXX

A couple hours had gone by, you had an updated ID card which gave you access to the backroom, storage and the break room, you had made anew friend, who was also your boss, you had Jimin drop by and who was somewhat stunned that you had taken up his suggestion and smiled when you enthusiastically showed him your lanyard which was attached to your ID. You were currently by the records, flicking through them and categorizing them in alphabetical order when the door opened to see a posh looking girl, holding what looked like a Gucci bag and sporting a tight top and jeans, pulling them off spectacularly. She, however, was also sporting a bitchy look, which made you somewhat nervous and a wave of anxiety washed over your previously happy demeanor. You swallowed hard and worked up a smile before turning to her.

“Hello, can I help you at all?” You asked politely, brushing a lock of your hair behind your ear. The girl looked you up and down with a somewhat disgusted look, before shifting her center of gravity from her left leg to her right.

“Yes, I guess you can. I’m looking for Yoongi, is he here?” She pretty much spat at you, looking at you ask if you were some sort of peasant. You were taken aback by her tone of voice but brushed it off as an accent (even though you knew damn well it wasn’t an accent).

“Oh sure, he’s in the back, whom shall I say is calling?” You say sweetly, your fingers toying on the edge of your sweater nervously. She tutted impatiently and reached for what at first seemed your arm, making you step as a reflex, before she reached for your ID card. Her sudden movements scared you before you dashed off to the backroom and scanned your ID, scrambling inside the room and shutting her out. You could hear her what you could only describe as clawing at the door. You took a few seconds to slow your heart and breathing before turning around, meeting a somewhat surprised Yoongi. You widened your eyes in surprise, meeting his eyes.

“Y/N, are you okay?” He asked, taking a slow step forward as to not scare you more. You thought about nodding your head but you just kept still, your shaky breathing was the only thing that could be heard. He placed a hand on your shoulder gently, looking into your eyes warmly. You took a deep breathe and explained everything to him. He just listened, not interrupting or moving from his position.

“What did she look like?” He asked, removing his hand from your shoulder, his gaze fixated on the door. You explained her appearance and you knew by the annoyed and somewhat disgusted look on Yoongi’s face that she wasn’t exactly his favorite person. He took you by the wrist and opened the door, being faced by the girl, who’s face turned up into an annoyingly wide smile.

“Oppa, you’re here! I just thought I would drop by to say hello and-” Yoongi cut her off and even though his back was to you, you knew his eyes were cold and uninterested.

“-and disrespecting my employees while you were at it. I thought I told you that I didn’t want to see you again, Krystal.” He blurted out, the coldness in his voice even sent chills down your spine. Her mouth opened slightly in shock, but she covered it up by smiling again.

“I thought you had a little bit too much soju that night, so since you’ve been sober for a few weeks now, I thought you’d want to see me.” She exaggerated her words by bouncing on her toes. Yoongi rolled his eyes, letting go of your wrist to rub his temples in frustration. The girl apparently named Krystal moved her hand up to touch him, but he swatted it away coldly, earning a surprised sound to come from her.

“One, I had not been drinking that night and I meant every word I said that night and two, that does not excuse you from disrespecting my employees. She is so much better than you are, sweet, smart, kind.” He emphasized on the last word, making her mouth hang open. She had tears in her eyes but when she looked at you, a burning hatred was visible in them.

“But oppa, she was being rude and disrespectful to me, she called me a money whore and a slut.” She fake cried to Yoongi, sending a smug smirk your way. Yoongi let out a long sigh, knowing that tone in her voice.

“Krystal, leave before I call the police again, I could hear everything from the back room. Now, go!” He demanded, rubbing his temples, pointing towards the door with his free hand. Krystal scoffed, shooting you a cold look before stomping her way out of the store. Yoongi let out another sigh, turning to you with soft eyes. “I’m sorry about Krystal, she’s been harassing me for a while. She’s my...ex. She can’t seem to wrap the idea that we’re not together around her head. I just didn’t know how desperate she was.” He apologized, looking down at the floor. You chuckled lightly, making him look up.

“It’s okay, really. I knew the second she walked in the door she was the bitchy type.” You giggled, making Yoongi smile. You flashed him one last smile before making your way to the storage room, grabbing a box of vinyls from the top shelf.

XXX

It had been a week since you started working for Yoongi, but it felt more like being paid to hang out with friends. Jimin started to show up more and more often, but something was off about you whenever you were in 5 feet of Jimin. You felt sick, like you were going to throw up at any second. Today was one of those days. You had been finalizing the details of shipment of some newly released albums from various genres and artists when you heard the door open, thanks to the little bell sat just above the door. You looked up from the computer to the door from behind the counter to be met with Jimin’s beautiful eye smile. You felt the same sick feeling in the pit of your stomach you had been having for a few days now, but you tried your hardest to push the thought and feeling away.

“Y/N, good to see you settled into your new job so quickly. By the way, have you seen Yoongi, he said my order had arrived.” Jimin cheerily spoke, almost bouncing on his heels with excitement. You smile weakly and managed to squeak out a ‘I’ll be right back’ as you rushed off to find Yoongi. He was in the break room, his earphones on his ears, funnily enough. You saw his eyes were closed, his head bopping in time to the beat in his ears. You walked over to the sprawled-out Yoongi on the couch and tapped his shoulder, earning his attention.

“Yo, what’s up?” He asked, taking out his earphones and placing them on the coffee table in front of him. You felt a wave of cold sweat break out over your body, the feeling in your stomach growing worse and worse. You swallowed the lump in your throat and attempted to clear it.

“Jimin’s here, he’s here for his order.” You barely spoke over a whisper, your weak voice cracking at certain points of your short sentence. Yoongi looked at your face, how your cheeks were completely drained of color, how scared you looked.

“Oh, okay. Hey, are you okay? You’re paler than me.” You smirked slightly at his words, but his eyes told you he was dead serious.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just feeling a bit unwell, that’s all.” You blurted out as an excuse, trying to brush off the feeling in your stomach for what felt like the billionth time. You walked to the corner of the room where an open cardboard box laid, several pre-ordered albums sitting in plastic sleeves. You scanned the albums until you came across the name that was also engraved into your right hand. Park Jimin. You grabbed it and walked out of the room, Yoongi hot on your heels. You handed Jimin his album with your right hand, the sleeve pulled down so that it covered his name on it.

“Sorry it took so long.” You whispered out an apology, your gaze fixated on your black high cut Converses. You heard him giggle and take the album from your hand’s sweaty grip.

“It’s alright, Y/N-ah. It’s here now and that’s all that matters.” Jimin reassures you, placing his hand on your shoulder. His touch alone makes you feel like you could vomit right then and there. You swallowed hard, trying to subside the feeling again. A beeping sound was heard from Jimin’s watch, signalling the close of his lunch break. “Aish, I’ve got to get back to work, I’ll be back here to pick you up at 5, Y/N. See you then.” Before you could protest, Jimin walked out the door and towards his car. You felt your entire body shake, your knees threatening to give out. You sprinted to the break room then to the bathroom. You collapsed in front of the toilet, dry heaving into it, waiting for the dreaded mix of what you ate for breakfast and lunch to come back up. Yoongi burst in just as you cough up something you certainly weren’t expecting. A single white rose petal. You were stunned, confused mainly, but you didn’t have enough time to process what just came up when you started to dry heave again, but nothing coming up. After a while of dry heaving, your throat felt like it was on fire, the burning becoming extremely painful and uncomfortable. You had somehow squeaked out to Yoongi to get you a glass of water. He returned, a glass of the transparent liquid your throat craved so badly. You snatched the glass from his grip, gulping it down quickly. Yoongi let you down the water and set down the glass before pulling you into a warm embrace, stroking your hair lightly. Even though he hadn’t known you for very long, you felt comfortable with him.

“So, do you know what this means?” Yoongi says almost emotionless, his back pressed against the wall with you wrapped in his arms, a singly flower petal in front of the toilet to Yoongi’s right. You slowly shook your head, unintentionally burying your head further into his chest. “This means you’re sick from love, and I think I have a good idea who caused this.” He whispered into your hair, somewhat coldly. You had known about this disease, but you never known what caused it, as your older brother had it when he was 15, but as his 9 year old sister, he told you that it meant that he was destined for something spectacular. A few moths later, he was found dead on the bathroom floor by your father.

“What do you mean you know who it is, Yoongi-ah.” You whispered into his chest, almost being able to hear him roll his eyes at you. He pulled you away from his chest, holding onto your upper arms and staring at you with concerned eyes.

“Come on Y/N, don’t be dumb. You clearly have been feeling this way for ages, but the feeling has finally reached the surface.” Your eyes stung with tears, your thoughts feeling cloudy and intoxicated by the feeling and look of the pure white petal on the floor. White roses, your favorite flowers. They had always been your favorite, ever since you were a little girl. You never knew why, maybe the sweet scent, the soft touch of the brush of petals or maybe the bright white color., who knew. But the more you stared at the petal, the more you felt a distaste for them. You looked at Yoongi, with tears tracks running down your face.

“Yoongi, what do we -I- do?” You whimpered, your hair hanging in front of your face like a curtain.

“There are only two options really, wait for Jimin to fall in love with you or if it becomes too much, we surgically remove it. The second one’s not as simple as it sounds, it also removes your feelings for that person and maybe your ability to ever love again.” You took a deep, shaky breath, brushing your hair behind your ear.

“What happens if neither of those happen?” You asked, anxiety washing over your body like a rough sea on a stormy night.

“Your lungs fill with petals and flowers, stems, or in your case thorns, grow around your heart, weakening you by the day until one day, you die.”

Chapter 2 finish

Author’s End Note: Hey, this took me about 4 days (technically nights aka about 2 hours each) to write, but I like the build up, hope to post Ch. 3 soon

Love you Taecups and Suga Kookies <3

#hanahaki disease #hanahaki disease au #park jimin #bts #bangtan book club #bangtan boys #mochi #chimchim #white roses #fan fiction #bts fan fiction #bts au fanfic #bts au #bts angst

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