#i get such a visceral reaction even hearing little kids

[1337wtfomgbbq]

I love how I have like maybe 3 days a month tops where my mind is like, "You know what, having a relationship and a kid would be nice."

Meanwhile the rest of the month I'm like...

Sees toddler have a melt down, thinks: Thank GOD I don't have a kid to try and raise and probably fuck up along the way.

Hearing about people's relationship drama, thinks: Thank GOD I am single and don't have to deal with that crap.

[milogreer]

so uhh this is gonna be scatterbrained. but i'm gonna ramble about milo and (what little info we have on) colm. sorry in advance if it doesn’t make sense i just had to exorcise this demon 🫡

i believe "camping with your alpha boyfriend (2021)" is the earliest mention of colm in an audio. obviously we don't actually know milo's side of things because it's told from david's POV, but we still get the mental image of little thirteen year old milo sitting shotgun in his dad's pickup as they drive to their camping spot. gabe's goofing around in the truck bed to make david and asher laugh, and colm joins in the fun by swerving the truck to mess with gabe. very basic dad thing to do, my dad's done the exact same thing to me and my siblings. it feels familiar and silly, and david frames it as a good memory, so it feels like a good memory. which is important to the point of this post

in "celebrating the new house (2022)," we get a little more colm lore:

My dad was forever blowing any cash he made on fucking bets and gambling and shit, chasing some fucking high. My mom was the only reason we didn’t end up out on the fucking street. He didn’t pull his head out of his ass and get some help until after I’d already moved out. So I never got to have that feeling of being in a house that was actually ours, ya know?

already this is a stark contrast to what we've previously heard of colm (i don't think there's any real mention of him between sept 2021 and dec 2022?) and it kinda makes me look at that old memory in a different light, especially with regards to david saying marie was "nagging [colm's] ear off about being irresponsible and a bad example." like. ykwim? like i'm just thinking about that interaction and wondering how far along those problems were at the time, if they were present at all. was this a normal, fun family outing? or would milo have rather been in the truck bed with david, asher, and gabe?

(and the fact that it wasn't until after milo moved out that colm tried getting any help?? i could make a whole other post speculating about milo struggling with wanting to move out of that environment ASAP vs not wanting to leave marie on her own to deal with colm)

so then i'm re-listening to "your werewolf boyfriend is worried about you" and having a visceral reaction to (re-)learning that colm was also an alcoholic:

But what he chose to do with that frustration and that feeling of powerlessness was not his job’s fault, those were his choices. He’s the one who decided to lose himself in booze and gambling and never being home. Never being there for the people he said he loved but apparently couldn’t stand to be around.

the last sentence especially is just an absolute heartbreaker because milo's, what, thirty now? and he's been dealing with this since he was a kid. clearly he's not on great terms with colm. the only times he ever talks about him is when he's shit talking the department. that is a crazy weight for someone to carry their whole life. i don't have experience with the gambling side but i do have an alcoholic family member who i used to be really close to as a kid but grew up to intensely resent as a result of his actions, so it hits a little close to home to see that reflected in milo

but i digress. umm. i bring up the camping story to highlight the most recent mention of colm from milo and how there were good times and sometimes maybe it hurts to remember them when the person involved devastated you as you grew up because they weren't what you thought they were. and how these things follow you through life and impact how you approach certain things. milo has to live with the fact that the same system that royally fucked colm is potentially going to do the same thing to the love of his life; i never drink more than one shot or half a beer, if i drink at all, and i don't like being around drunk people. even though we don't hear about colm very often, his influence is still there whenever milo has to deal with the department in any way

anyway i guess TLDR; imagine living the majority of your thirty years of life feeling like your dad couldn't stand to be around you because he was too busy drinking himself stupid and gambling away every penny he had as a way to deal with the strain that his job put on him. imagine having to witness your mom struggle constantly to keep you cared for. imagine the few good childhood memories you have with your dad being overshadowed by thinking he didn't love you or your mom enough to change. imagine watching the department run your soulmate into the dirt physically and mentally the same way it did your father and wanting to be supportive of them but also being so worried for them. it's a really interesting situation for him to be in and i enjoy it but it hurts me. the end

[anhed-nia]

BLOGTOBER 10/5/2024: INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE (1994)

I'm sorry, but this movie fucking sucks. I hadn't seen it in decades and I thought it was probably "OK"; I devoured the books as a kid and I didn't remember hating the film, but I should have realized that it was a red flag that I didn't love it. I have now discovered that it's bad enough that it failed to thrill me when I was a morose little horror dork who was really the target audience, and as an adult I can hardly stand it.

Daniel Molloy (Christian Slater, dressed up as Art Spiegelman for some reason) interviews for-realsies vampire Louis (Brad Pitt, still looking like he spends a lot of time in the sun) about life with his master Lestat (Tom Cruise, who knows why) and their eternally-childlike daughter Claudia (poor li'l Kirsten Dunst). Suddenly I feel like I don't know what to say about this, as I'm writing, even though I enjoyed the book and also the superior-in-every-single-way TV show. You know. Louis is really sad about being a monster. Lestat is really happy about being a monster. Claudia is really mad about being a monster. They have interpersonal problems. Later they meet some other vampires, and have interpersonal problems with them. At the end Louis is angry with Daniel for not getting the point, but maybe neither did I.

To some degree the problems of the movie are the problems of the book, but on the page they're basically forgivable for various reasons. I'm probably not going to refresh my memory, but as I recall Anne Rise has a way of really drawing you into her world, which is so literally-sensational that it makes up for her boy-crazy humorlessness. Everybody basically has one characteristic, outlined above, but the visceral pleasure of the prose takes over--and to be totally fair, it was novel at the time. It was the vampire story we had all been waiting to hear. (Ok, so the book is from 1978 but it still felt fresh in 1994) But when you port all that to the screen and leave the telling to these actors who are almost universally miscast, it all just lies there, dead.

I thought my hesitation about rewatching this was related to my petty aversion to Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise specifically. I really don't enjoy either of them in general, and I also felt like they were profoundly wrong for the roles; neither of them could be less goth, less tortured, less otherworldly. It feels criminal to fill these classic queer outsider roles with alpha males who seem like they would have beaten up your weird gay friends in high school, and their performances are not remotely good enough to make up for this impression. Kirsten Dunst is perfectly awful but like...you just can't have a 12 year old playing a person who is any older than 12. It cannot work. It's not her fault, it's just a bad idea.

The only guy who is any good at all in this is Stephen Rea, a staple of director Neil Jordan's films, who I almost didn't even recognize because his Santiago is so uncanny and dynamic and fun despite having very little to do. I love the way his look references LONDON AFTER MIDNIGHT, it made me wonder how much more could have been done by subtly comparing Rice's vampires with their cultural predecessors. Rea lights up every scene he's in because he's so mischievous and unpredictable, and he's also almost the only person with any standout stunts--which helps me segue into the other main gripe I had with this movie, that it is incredibly stiff and static. It's like a prison. Everyone is totally weighed down by their giant ridiculous wigs and seven layer costumes, so even though the movie is supposed to be all sensual and shit, it's like nobody can even move.

Dealing with INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE is making me realize that I'm not quite sure what I think about Neil Jordan. I have this kneejerk reaction that he is Great because THE CRYING GAME is such an institution, and MONA LISA is real good too, but I might have found all of his other movies kind of humorless and stiff and like, beautiful but not altogether meaningful. I really struggle with THE COMPANY OF WOLVES because of its terrific FX and handful of fun scenes, but there is something about it that fails to connect with me. Sometimes it's overly pretentious, I mean paralleling a maiden's coming of age with the blood on the white roses is like...pretty gross, dude. But overall there is something about it that just lacks substance, despite its relentless and oppressive Symbolism. It seems like this problem should have been smoothed out for INTERVIEW since it was shot from Anne Rice's own script, but according to me, it really does not work out.

[et-cant-phone-home-no-signal]

The Last of Us HBO - Episode 2 thoughts

Warning: Pure yapping ahead! More thoughts and things I've noticed watching the show, it's not serious and I don't invite arguments (fellow yappers are more than welcome though)

(continuing with my episode by episode analysis of the tlou show, it's a long one folks! all chronologically written as i was watching the episode. spoilers under the cut)

Fantastic opening - love that we get to see the initial discovery in Jakarta and that they speak Indonesian only! It removes the show from a purely American pov and makes it international, which is something I personally missed a little from the game so it's a welcome addition

The little detail that the military men walk so fast, she has to jog a little to keep up

I like the fact that they didn't even try to cover the dead body at all - why would they?

Same girl I'd have that exact same reaction too 💀💀 visceral as shit

The following visual of the cordyceps reaching out of the corpse's mouth.... Eugh

Ibu Ratna's reaction after hearing 14 workers are missing - her shaking so badly she has to put her cup of tea down, her face reads of pure undiluted horror 🙌👌 - worth mentioning that the casting of Christine Hakim is absolutely top tier (she's basically the Dame Judi Dench of Indonesia fr) and she really brings a gravitas to the role

I find it fascinating and refreshing that the first thing the military man does is to ask about a vaccine or medicine to fix this situation, but the scientist/professor, instead says with absolutely certainty that there is nothing, and then proceeds to say with an eerily calm and assertive tone and face that they must bomb the city. Terrifying yet wonderful that they've finally used a different format to this conversation

Ibu Ratna stifling her sobs and asking to go be with her family, because she knows there is no other solution - Brava

That soft, gentle opening shot of Ellie curled up in the sun on a lush bed of green, a single butterfly crossing over *chef's kiss*

Her turning to see Joel and Tess, sat in the shadows on chairs, Joel with his gun drawn lmaooooo that's comedy right there

Ellie's sass at the interrogation 🤌

"There's not gonna be anything bad in here?" "Just you." "Oh, funny." 💀😂

The fact that Joel broke his hand beating that guy to death - the way Tess looks at Joel, all knowing and vaguely soft

Tess defending Ellie indirectly by wanting to continue with bringing her to the state house - Joel wanting to return to the QZ and saying it would be better for FEDRA do shoot her than them 💀

"You need to stop talking about this kid like she's got some kind of life in front of her." Damn Joel, Tess' face says it all

Joel: struggling to break of a piece of EXTREMELY dry and chewy jerky, Ellie: sammich

Ellie in the warm light, Joel in the cold dark, and Tess in the middle of the two?? Gorg

It's so funny how terribly Joel and Ellie get on at this point, like, they basically hate each other my god

"If she so much as twitches.." *Ellie immediately starts twitching* and then Tess's "Don't." She is so done with these two already lmao

The iconic scenery 🙌 the two massive skyscrapers with one leaning on the other? Oooohhh yeah

The fact that Tess stops and answers Ellie's questions :')

I can't stop looking at Ellie's bag it's just so accurate I love it

"Well, I mean, you got some balls on you, sister." SLAY girls support girls ✨

The specific way Ellie says "no" at the boyfriend question 💅

It's interesting that Tess' reaction to hearing the description of what we know to be a bloater, is "shit, I hope not", insinuating perhaps that she and Joel haven't dealt with those before, but then the way that she looks at Joel after Ellie asks about clickers tells me they know exactly what she's talking about with that one

Immediately after we hear a loud ass creepy scream in the distance, okay!

The set designers got this shit so extremely right goddamn, the hotel gotta be one of my favourite locations fr - I love that they still included this location even if it's at a completely different place in the original story, it works so well here and with Tess added on, the humour is great and the way the characters interact is fun and interesting (Joel's little hop into the water especially gets me, he's such a shit lmao)

Ellie is genuinely so fucking funny I love this kid

Joel offering his hand, immediately snatching it back once she's mostly up cause it's his broken one (but you can see it's more than that)

"Fuck, holy shit." "Come on, it wasn't that bad." "You try climbing ten fuckin floors with our knees. See how you feel." 😭😭

Joel's face at being left alone with Ellie lmao

"Nice knife." great conversation starter Joel, but also, reference to his pocket knife Sarah held in the previous episode? He doesn't have it, when did he have time to grab it after all, but yeah. Maybe I'm overthinking this lmao

"Where'd you learn to do that?" "The circus." *Joel rolls his eyes with such exasperation taht I can feel it through my screen*

"How long do infected live?" "Oh, I thought you went to school." "It's a really shitty one."

Joel avoiding answering the question about the FEDRA dude he killed due to Tess returning is peak writing

I really enjoy how the infected are portrayed in the show - they're not just individuals, they're part of a hive mind in a way, the mycelium connects them all one way or another, and they act like it (the way they all react to sunlight and extra so because they all react to each others pain as well, wow)

Added onto that, this extra lore about the way the cordyceps works is fantastic, it makes it even scarier that, according to Tess, you can accidentally wake up and attract infected from somewhere totally different - this means you're never actually safe 💀

Really love how Tess is so damn nice to Ellie all things considered. Still answering her questions, telling her she has to be careful, that just because she's immune doesn't mean there's no danger

"I have a spare hand." "Congratulations." 😭

I do love how quick Joel is to run over to Ellie whenever something happens (her swearing, falling over, gasping loudly)

The look that Joel and Tess share - they think they know and they're probably right

Dad mode™ activated

That building is anxiety central for me

Joel is so jumpy and twitchy it's a little funny tbh, I like it

Ellie's "oh shit whoops" face

Joel helping Ellie up :')

The sound effects 😭💀😭 they got the same team that did the game clicker sounds to do the show ones and I can TELL

The anxiety is palpable!! My stomach is in knots!! The entrance of the first clicker is terrifying!!

Joel's silent, almost sign language like, explanation for Ellie 😌

The clicker actors are fucking amazing jesus christ. And the special effects and makeup? So GOOD wow absolutely grotesque <3

Not me gasping with Ellie

If I were there I'd probably just hide under a table and hold my breathe 😭

I find the clickers to be quite bird-like, in game and in show

The silence as Joel reloads his gun, the sudden much closer clicking, the flashlight shining directly in its face 🤌

Joel now being the one to step on something crunchy 😩 THE WAY THE CLICKER LAUNCHES ITSELF AT HIM AND ELLIE ACROSS THE DISPLAY

Ellie crying out with pure fear and Joel holding the clicker back more so it's on him not her - HIM PUSHING HER BEHIND HIM!

BIG TESS SLAY

Impressed by how calm their reactions all are to seeing Ellie get bit (?) again (I thought it was more of a scratch at first but I assume it to be a bite due to their reactions to it)

"That was scary, this is wood." HA

The way Tess looks at Joel when he's busy wrapping her foot with diligence and care

I think this is the first sign that Tess had been bit, Joel seems to be looking at her like "what the hell is your problem" but listens and goes to watch Ellie anyway

The view line 😭🤌 love how we basically get this exactly from the game, including Joel looking at his watch :'(

The music 🙌

Second time you can really notice that Tess is differently - she handles Ellie harshly for basically the first time ever and totally ignores Joel

Joel moving Ellie away from the dead body

The squelching of the blood EUgH

Go makeup team go!

Oeiii screaming match :( mom and dad are fighting

The step back speaks volumes

"Oops, right?" just stab me it would hurt less, Anna's delivery of that line is heartbreaking

In fact little quick note of love to Anna Torv, she's such a fucking amazing actor and I love her portrayal of Tess so so much, she brought warmth, strength and balls of steel to the character fr!!

The fact that Tess basically confesses her feelings here, proclaims the knowledge that she feels something for Joel that he was never entirely able to reciprocate back, my god - her BEGGING him to take her because she knows nothing about the future but she believes that Ellie can change it in some capacity

Pedro's eye acting here is so potent, he says nothing but his eyes and face say it all

The mycelium!!!!!! Terrifying that in show canon, infected can basically call for backup!!! Brilliant addition and makes them so much more intimidating (also I HATED seeing the mycelium creep under that infected person's nails that really got a shudder out of me)

God bless the extras

Tess my beloved you make me cry so much you're amazing and you deserved better 😭 she's brave as fuck for this

Joel shaking, his lips quivering because fuck, she's going to die, and now he has to be fully responsible of this kid and he can't do this without her but he's gotta - the anxiety and fear in his eyes, his firm resolution after she says "save who you can save", the way he SNATCHES Ellie and walks away, Ellie fighting him tooth and nail but he knew she would, thats why he grabbed her like that.... I'm honestly just in so much awe and pain from this scene

The fear is Tess' face is so 😭😭

FUCK NO THAT ALMOST MADE ME THROW UP I WASN'T EXPECTING THAT JESUS FUCK. That was disgusting what the fuck 😭😭 don't know how to feel about watching the fucked up kiss of death like, eugh

The feeling when after failing to light the damn thing, she finally gets it, feels almost like a relief after all of that

Joel "big sad brown eyes" and Ellie "big traumatised brown eyes" will be the death of me

This is such a fucking sad ending to Tess' character but also, satisfying since she didn't die in vain

That final shot of Ellie alone with the burning state house in the background, sun beating down and a soft breeze in her hair, damn

If you make it to the end, thanks for reading! It's literally just my running thought process whilst watching!! Do you agree with some of my notes, was there anything you noticed that i didn't? Comments and reblogs welcome <3

Episode 1 thoughts:

Episode 3 thoughts:

[vodkacheesefries]

Was not prepared for the emotionally visceral reaction listening to David Archuleta talk about his mom would give me. These days most stuff about the church just rolls off me because I'm legitimately over it and I don't care but MAN. Wombo combo mommy issues and religious trauma and you have a recipe for disaster I suppose 🫠

Wistful queer exmo rambling under the cut because I gotta get it out somewhere.

Like! His mom just leaves the church because she loves him more than anything the church tells her or could say and it's hard not to draw the conclusion that mine doesn't because if anything, she's doubled down in some ways on Mormonism since three of her kids have left and one of them turned out to be a gender fucky dyke.

And I don't want to sound bitter or ungrateful because I wasn't even expecting her to take my coming out as well as she did, and that was a miracle in and of itself to me and I am so thankful for it; but she is still so Mormon that she believes someday when we're all resurrected this "burden" of being queer will be "lifted" from me. Being queer has never been a burden for me. The church and how it treats people like me and rips apart families as a result of that is the burden. She doesn't quite understand that, even though my sister and I have tried explaining. I don't know if it's because she just doesn't get it yet or if she is choosing not to get it.

Hearing how someone else's Mormon mom just so immediately heard how her child didn't feel welcomed in her church and that was enough for her to say "I'm done" so she left and mine has heard how I feel over and over and over again and hasn't left hurts more than I anticipated.

And I wanna be clear I'm not angry or upset with David or his mom. I'm so happy for them that they have that relationship and that he has her in his corner. It just kinda makes me sad a little bit.

[elliebyrrdwrites]

I Don't Belong Here

a continuation upon a continuation. One, two and,

Three:

This girl is staring at me, peering through the dark billowing over us due to the lack of sun and abundance of shadows thanks to the castles and the green houses and the trees and she’s trying to figure me out because I’ve just slapped myself instead of returning her informal greeting.

Her eyes are glassy, reflecting the glare of the moon. They’re scanning over my body and I can see her scrutiny. I can feel it against the press of the pants against my thigh. I can hear her mind working as she notes all of the dirt and sweat trailing my hairline.

This, the way her eyes miss nothing, the way her mouth twists into a little rose bud, is ,why I hate this girl. I didn’t want to see her, because she stinks. Not actually, physically stink. She doesn’t actually insult my olfactory receptors. She smells like lavender and damp grass just after it rains. No, Granger stinks in the way where all of the fun in the room dies as soon as she enters.

I bet she’s a terrible lay. I actually feel bad for Weasley. She probably avoids putting cock in her mouth and she probably scrutinizes it for lint or loose strands of hair. When she finally agrees, she grimaces and refuses to swallow it. Weasleys cock probably gets all wobbly by the time she gets her mouth on it.

Yeah, there’s no doubt in my mind that Granger is a real boner killer.

Granger looks at me, like I’m an idiot. She reminds me of my parents. Because she’s dismissing me, her shoulder lifting in a shrug and she takes her eyes and she puts them somewhere else. She takes her eyes away like I hadn’t even stumbled upon her. She takes her eyes and puts them onto the castle where we all died. Or maybe we didn’t.

The point is, I don’t belong here and she’s looking at the castle like it doesn’t belong. She never belonged in my world, but somehow, she seemed to belong more than me.

She looks at the castle like it’s haunted and she cannot dismiss it the way she dismisses me. She sniffs and rubs the back of her hand over her nose. “You missed the sorting.”

That is actually a relief. Listening to that stupid hat babbling on and on before going through every first year and telling us where the damn kid belongs. As if that makes a fucking bit of difference. Nobody can tell you where you belong. You either belong or you don't. Nobody can tell how to belong, least of all a talking hat.

“So, there is a god after all.” I say and I don’t know why.

Granger snorts and shakes her big oversized hair out of her face. “There’s only a handful of us, anyway.” She says with a shrug, her eyes still on that stupid castle. But my eyes are on her. I’ve gone and I’ve taken my eyes and stuck them onto her. I can’t seem to pull them away.

There’s something sickening healthy about the way she looks. Like she didn’t spend the summer being broken into little fragments. Like she didn’t get destroyed before being built back together again.

Her eyes attract the moonlight and her lips are matte pink. There is no makeup, no lip gloss. No nothing. But there isn’t a flake of dry skin on them.

Her cheeks are streaked with tears that make me feel like scratching her skin off. I scratch at the spot where I killed the ant, instead. It’s mutilated little body is gone, somewhere, drifting into the unknown. Giving itself back to the earth that it abandoned for a piece of glory. Sacrificing itself as it climbed its way towards the heavens all for what? A single piece of flesh to take back to its queen? I bet the queen doesn't even notice that it's gone.

The point is, that when I see Granger, something inside of me jerks and flinches. It’s like my body has this natural, visceral reaction that tells me to hurt her, to insult her, to hate her. There's some kind of natural process at play here. I can’t fight it. I wont.

“Why are you so dirty?” She asks, this time, angling her body towards mine, her eyes quickly sweeping over me. Her robes are left unbuttoned. She’s wearing muggle jeans, tight and pressed against the curves of her body. Her pink shirt is lowcut, there’s two round tits staring up at me and the natural process of things take over again.

“Why are you?”

Her matte pink lips quirk to the side, and I think she might frown but I’m afraid that she might grin. She looks down at her body, her rount tits, her fucking jeans. “I’m not dirty.”

“Not on the outside, I suppose.”

The point is, I’m an asshole. I’m supposed to be an asshole. It’s what my parents expect of me. It's why they sent me to a place where I can be beaten back into shape.

Granger’s eyelids lower, her lips flatten out. “Some things never change, huh.” She isn’t really asking me, just stating it more to herself. But I feel it, the dismissal of her words, her body language as she turns away.

And the point is, I have changed. Over and over, I change. Over and over, I break down into a puddle that used to resemble a man but now I’m just this thing that is suppose to spew hate and I'm ancient and jaded and bored.

The point is, I don’t belong. And even Granger knows it. I can feel the dismissal that tells me she is just like my parents. She's taking the choice away from me.

She’s taking my insult and she’s balling it up into some kind of trash that needs to be thrown away. But, she just drops it to the grass, littering the school grounds with it and she turns away from me, and she takes her big brown eyes and she walks away from me.

Between us, stretches all of the balled up pieces of trash with all of the insults I’ve lobbed at her over the years. There's the retorts, the sting of her hands, the curl of her lip, the tears in her eyes. They're all thrown onto the grass and disregarded. They string between us, tight and loose as she moves away from me, as she disappears around the corner of the castle.

I seek her out. I follow the trail of trash and find her in the Great Hall. She’s settling onto the edge of the Gryffindor table and she’s surrounded by familiar faces. None of which I care to label with names or ideas or sounds or smells.

There’s just Granger and she’s pressing her lips into a tight smile as her friends greet her with enthusiasm.

I slide onto the edge of the Slytherin table and a first year whimpers when I smack at my arm, squashing the life out of a little ant that had found it’s way up the sleeve of my shirt. Another sacrifice for the queen!

These kids are getting worse and worse with every passing year. They’re grubby little hands reach for the food that suddenly appears in front of them. It’s like they’ve been hungry all their life and they’re grabbing at the food like they wont ever get enough.

Here, there’s dishes cluttering the table. All of the usual crap. Platters full of boiled potatoes and rolls of bread, asparagus slathered in butter. And there’s every animal you can think of, slaughtered and shredded into little pieces just for your enjoyment. Pigs, chickens, cows, lambs. Their throats were slit, or their brains were blown out and their feathers were plucked or they were skinned alive and they were chopped into little finger friendly pieces and all for your enjoyment.

Until one day, you’ve enjoyed yourself one too many times and your accidently choke on a wish bone. Or you eat so much fucking pig and cow that the plaque inside of your arteries harden, clogging the blood flow. It forces your heart to work harder, forcing it to become enlarged. And then it stops working and you die.

So, dig in, little fuckers.

I take my eyes and I scan the table where the staff is and they’re teary eyed and smiling with wet sloppy cheeks and maybe their sloshed or maybe they’re feeling something I can't ever know.

But their eyes, they pass over me and inside, they flinch. They wince at the knee jerk reaction that comes with who I am. They want to squash me, like an ant. The point is, these professors, they want to kill me. And they don’t even understand that they want to.

The point is, they look at every other student with doe-eyed wonder. With me, their brains stall out. With me, they feel something insidious and angry.

Because, I don’t belong here.

So, I take my eyes and I move them somewhere else.

Granger, she calls to me. She’s denied me something I need. She wont trade insults with me. She wants to dismiss me.

And so I take my eyes and I glue them onto her as she pokes and prods at this salad on her plate. There’s no flesh there, just bright greens and reds and oranges and she’s using her fork to chase around a little red tomato. She’s chasing it and begging it with her teeth bared, to just let her stab it.

She’s chasing around this little tomato like it’s the most interesting thing in the world and when her fork finally sinks into the tender, red flesh of it, it’s bloody guts squirt out, tainting the rest of her salad.

I watch as her eyes flare in delight, as she lifts the fork to her mouth and closes her matte pink lips over it, and as she chews and chomps and eats the thing before it has a chance to scream, she smiles.

That bitch has the audacity to give a little piece of fruit, maybe a vegetable, a hard time but not me?

The point is, I don’t belong but neither does she. Except, when I insult her and she fights me, something feels right. Suddenly, there’s somewhere we both belong. And it’s at each others throat.

It’s then, as I stare across the hall, to where Granger is sitting, her little bushy head floating around her, that I decide to make sure we end up where we belong.

It’s at this time that I realize that this year, I might be able to find a piece of myself that used to be here, hidden and tucked away within the confines of this school. That maybe, she had stolen it. Somehow, the little mudblood had stolen it, deprived me of it when she refused to come back to school last year. And maybe that was why my parents sent me to the facility that was tucked away in a foreign country that overlooked the sea or a large lake. I couldn’t ever tell.

But through the bars on my windows, I could see that the air was heavy with impurities, and the smog was so thick that when the sun rose, the sky turned a shade of topaz. A blend of brown and gold.

The point is, when I think of those sunrises that would turn the sky that obscure shade of topaz and the oxygen was thick and heavy with humidity, there was one face that kept coming to mind.

And that face was currently sitting across the hall from me, murdering little baby tomatoes and smiling quietly to herself.

The point is, what a bitch.

[hauntsect]

It's thundering, storming harshly outside the wards – every patient prompted to stay inside. Yet, despite them being protected from the heavy rain and the lightning outside, the strong noise of a calamity reached every single room. Not just that, the screams of one particular patient reverberate throughout every corner. The noise must be getting to them.

"Someone, please, sedate whoever is causing such a ruckus." The doctor says and the nurses hesitate to speak. It's one of them who ultimately informs what the others wanted to say, he himself seems shaky about it, too.

"It's Hyles, sir." The man speaks and the doctor stops scribbling on paperwork. He turns over to the nurse, he stares back at him, eyes squinting in disbelief.

"My little boy? Is he in pain?" It was the only explanation for this and even that was shaky. He wasn't one to complain so audibly about his ailments. Why, the man called him his best patient due to it. He had even visited him earlier today, gifted him a nice book to read and all. Hyles had said the pain was bearable. Now, though, even he could hear his shrieks and wails from the other corner of the ward. Sounded like those of an agonizing, wretched creature. His poor kid...

Rushing to room 125, the scenery took a drastic change. From white, pristine walls to a shocking crimson, there's blood splattered all over. Pieces of skin fall roughly along with it. On the once white bed sits the boy, ripping and tearing at his own skin with both fingers and trembling scalpel. All of this, done as he cries out. The bodies of both nurses and doctors decorate parts of the floor and even the corners of the bed – it seemed it wasn't only his blood spread around.

He looked grotesque, flesh ripped apart, tears staining even the parts of his face that were bleeding out. Hyles is desperate, he screams and shakes, he wails, and speaks...

The language is foreign — to the people seeing it happen, it's all gibberish. Yet he cries out... and the doctor listens.

"Hyles... Hyles, it's me. Are you listening? If you cry out like this, we can't help you. Use the words you have learned. Use them." He encourages and, somehow, in between the wails, his carving of skin, blood-splattering comes to a halt, trickling down in discreet puddles. The scalpel falls over to the crimson bed, just as he is downcast. Finally, it seems like he is breathing.

"It hurts..."

"That has never caused such a visceral reaction. Go on, keep using your words." The doctor encourages while slowly approaching the boy.

"It is killing me. I'm dying, but... the stars. They're too high up, I cannot reach them. And the things they demand, and the things they want, I cannot do it. They're calling to me, I see them, I hear them. They're everywhere. I'll die before I make it. I... cannot... Cannot let it happen. Cannot, I must extirpate this decease, before it stops me... But I can't find it. I have to go deeper."

"No, Hyles, sweetest little saccharine dew," the doctor calls to him sweetly, mimicking the ways in which Hyles himself liked to speak towards his favorites, it keeps his attention steady, it was a language shared between them – proof of affection, Hyles would oftentimes call it, a weapon the doctor quietly surmised. The very weapon he used right now to keep Hyles calm. Crazed eyes land upon the older man's, who smiles back at him, calmly. He approaches and Hyles raises his hands towards him.

"I can't find it..." He cries out vaguely, tears running down. The man nods at him before he covers the bloodied boy in an embrace... and injects him a vivid blue liquid in. For a moment, there was silence, the grip of the boy slowly growing weaker and weaker... He gives in to the doctor's embrace, eyes closing, a relaxed sigh coming out.

"I thought our sedatives didn't work on him..."

"They don't... This was a different medicine." He comments, a blatant lie he hides neatly as he remains there, hugging his dear boy for a while longer... Worried that this might be the last time he could.

He thought maybe Hyles would turn into a crazed monster, much like the other subjects exposed to such a vial... He acknowledged he was crazy for even thinking this might help, for even trying it out on him, of all people. After he had done it, he was sure he would come to regret it. Yet, no growling, no twist or turning, nothing comes out of it. Instead, peace. Hyles sleeps, and the doctor places him softly on the bed. When he turns over, the fellow nurses who saw everything were still there, unable to decide if to leave or not. The scene was enough to make them want to run, but...

"Stitch him up. I'll take care of the rest." He wouldn't say it, but he was kind of an expert when it came to fixing a scene... "My nephew is not to be disturbed, once you're done. Just stitch him, wrap him up, and leave the room as is."

Nauseous and unsure, the nurses comply, and their hard work begins...

Hyles knows it has taken him long to wake up, despite the rain still pouring so soundly. It seemed the storm wouldn't let up, but it looked quite dark outside, despite the intensity of the lights keeping his room from succumbing to the void. The pain is gone, it has subsided, his organs no longer burning, no need to twist and turn, wail or scream. His muscles ache, his body aches, but the sting seems so far-away, nullified by the bandages spread all over him, and some form of painkiller.

He hears a scrubbing by his side, he turns over and realizes the walls have been rendered pristine white again... Only remnants of crimson remain on the floor. No bodies to be seen. Right, he recalled ripping one of his least favorites apart... and some others. He sits over, his uncle is doing quite a good job at this, he never believed him when he said he used to be a cleaner... Even the book he had been reading – the very one the man had gifted him – was no longer stained with blood. His bookmarks intact, as if nothing had happened to them.

We are not alone in the universe. I am not alone. I am a part of this universe, too.

"What did you do to me?" A hoarse voice asks and the doctor turns over, smiling as he usually does with his favorite patient.

"I might have found your cure."

[lurkinglurkerwholurks]

Caring For His Boy

First posted: December 17, 2018

Focuses on: Alfred Pennyworth, Bruce Wayne

Favorite bookmark: None worth noting

Tier: In the bottom 3rd for most metrics; in the bottom 10 for comments

This is my “behind the scenes” series where I indulge myself horribly by annotating my fics. Link to the fic itself above. Thoughts below the cut.

Another BatFam Christmas stocking fic, another attempt at a dual meaning title. They just make me happy, okay.

This one was for @renecdote: "Created to fill renecdote's BatFam Christmas Stocking prompt "Bruce worrying over sick or injured kids." I don't know that this is quite what you had in mind, but hopefully it's okay."

It was my first time writing Alfred POV, which made me nervous, but also it was fun—though I hadn't yet befriended Audrey to be my Brit speak check. Alas.

It was 8 AM in Sheffield, a glorious, soft morning with a whisper of a breeze and birdsongs that filtered in through the open window.

Why Sheffield? We don't know. That's just how the opening line popped into my head, so then I had to scramble to figure out what was going on and why.

Bruce had never been one to show emotion, even as a boy. Animation was doled out purposefully, as a tool, as a distraction, as a lever. Alfred had more practice reading him than most, and he didn’t think he was imagining the quiver of tension in Bruce’s voice.

This is one of those bits that I work myself into a frustration over, because do I think that Bruce was a generally reserved child? Yes. Was that heightened further after the death of his parents? Also yes. Would stiff-upper-lip British reserve Alfred note Bruce's own emotional reticence as something exceptional? I'm not sure. Whether a thing is true or not is irrelevant when the question is whether the POV would note it.

What did sick mean? A reaction to fear toxin? A new horror from Ms. Isley?

Alfred is so exceedingly British.

It had certainly been a learning experience, one filled with more than a little uncertainty on everyone’s part, but Alfred had yet to hear Bruce sound so shaken.

Ah, the true terror of help, I need an adult... what do you mean I am the adult???

He wondered how Bruce was dealing with the vomit. The boy had always been a bit of a sympathetic puker.

Alfred would not say puker. This is a from-real-life trait I pulled from the males in my family. Weak stomachs, all of them.

“Master Dick will need to stay hydrated. I recommend alternating ginger ale for the nausea and one of those obnoxious sports drinks you so enjoy for the electrolytes. If he continues to complain of aches, you may give him the paracetamol in the upstairs medicine cabinet, but mind the dosage.”

I did the googling for this and then years later had to do the googling again for my first fic in the Mutual Aid series. Ah, parallels. At least I remembered to have Alf call it paracetamol. Also, when I was a kid, I only associated Gatorade with vomiting for this very reason and couldn't drink it for years. Same with Sprite. (Don't drink Sprite, the sugar will make your nausea worse.)

Alfred had several fond memories of sitting next to the bedside of one sweaty-haired boy, a hand pinning open a book, and the other resting atop small fingers. He also had other memories, dimmer but no less visceral, of being a relatively young man himself, faced with the enormous responsibility of caring for a vulnerable life. Of keeping a brave face while internally despairing of the task before him. He was glad that one set of these memories had stuck with Bruce, while the other had not.

Ah, adulthood. It's scary to look back and realize how much your own parents were likely panicking over things you trusted them to handle. 😅

Alfred fics always get some of the lowest engagement and it's such a pity.

[vulpinesaint]

hi bracken 8 28 34 hehe

hi reid!!!!!! yay questions :D

8. any reacquiring dreams?

assuming that the original poster meant reoccurring dreams. little enamoured with the possibility of what a reacquiring dream might be. honestly though i do not dream that much!!! the last dream i remember having was like,,, god, upwards of three months ago? over winter break? when i had a really devastating dream about having a kid and taking my baby boy everywhere with me and looking down at him and realizing that he had my eyes and my freckles and then like. waking up. just fucking wrecked at the realization that i didn't have my child anymore. terrible.

accidentally deleted a whole paragraph just now i hate it here... anyway! 😭 definitely have repeating elements in my dreams. i've had a bunch where i am being chased and can't manage to run quite fast enough to get away from whatever's chasing me. i've had a few dreams where i can fly, too :) i wake up from a lot of dreams with a really strong sense of deja vu, and there's the whole thing where like. you are always dreaming once you hit rem or whatever it's just that you don't remember it, so there is the possibility of many more reoccurring dreams that i just do not remember...

28. do you collect anything?

not on purpose haha. don't rlly have the space for it atm and i'm not really a collecting guy even though i really enjoy having stuff :) if anything! books and weapon-themed jewelry. it's me and all my sword and knife shaped necklaces and earrings and rings

34. any pet peeves?

i am the pet peeves guy of all time. the hater ever even. not gonna say i have misophonia as a medical diagnosis or anything lmao but chewing and breathing sounds make me like. god. i try not to be an asshole about it but it is So Bad for me. whole body shudders just at the thought of it it makes me Viscerally upset/angry/disgusted and i have like Physical Reactions to it 😭 very sensitive to small noises in general; can't sleep if there's small inconsistent noises happening that i don't control. gotta be silent or white noise or music or smth haha. if i can hear the sound of someone breathing i Will Not be able to sleep to the point where i get so angryfrustrated over it that i cry real actual tears. being aromantic is actually not just a romantic orientation to me it's a defense mechanism against the possibility of being expected to share a bed with someone for the rest of my life lmao

sometimes it's just the sound of someone's voice too which is the WORST cause none of this is anyone's fault but when the sound of my mother's singing voice in church makes me like. sit there clenching and unclenching my fists and my jaw with repulsion just because Something about it grates (she is a professional singer and i have listened to her sing my entire life it's not a rational or reasonable response) it feels so shitty 😭 anyway... other pet peeve is people leaving stuff out in shared spaces haha

ty for sending little numbers i adore you <3

questions I think would be fun to be asked

[anonymityisfunwriter]

🥇 Comment Hall of Fame 🥇

I really like when people comment. What better way to encourage interaction than by rewarding it? Here's a running list of some of my favorite comments, the ones that made me laugh, the ones that made me cry, the ones that kept me going. I love all the comments I get but these are just some of my faves from AO3, Tumblr, and Wattpad. You guys are all the best. 💛

"This series has the same equivalence to the mini episode cartoons like teen titans go but like BETTER I LOVE THIS SO MUCH" - @/thatboyisagunn · I remember watching the OG Teen Titans as a kid, so I really loved this comment. Plus, it sort of gave me the idea to do like one-shots as 'mini episodes'.

"“…morally ambiguous, sarcastic, charming brunette“ I know this is supposed to be referring to Flynn Rider, but it sounds an awful lot like Bucky to me. Loved this whole story! I was smiling the whole way through." - @/bookish_irish_dancer ·I laughed for an hour when this lovely commenter said this, because, yes, that is absolutely what I was going for.

"T Swizzle is a national treasure and I will fight to the death for her." @/aswiftlytiltinguniverse ·I will too. Okay, maybe not to the death, but I will post a lot of fics with TS references.

"I GODDAMN LOVE THIS SONG DUDE. THE ANGST, THE PAIN, THE CONFUSION AND GODDAMN JOHN I HATE YOU. BARNES I LOVE YOU AND SAMUEL YOU BIG BROTHER. I'm LOVING this Tay Swift-ness author." @toomanyfanficsbruh ·I like inciting John Walker hate. Especially all caps hate. This just made me laugh so hard tbh.

"Sis, as much as i love your stories and this story.. THIS WAS A PUNCH TO THE GUT, WHY WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS *VIRTUALLY PUKES BECAUSE YEAH, I HAVE A FULL STOMACH RN* (but whatever i still love you uwu😊🤣😭🤗)" @/youraveragehotmessofabisexual ·The "why would you do something like this" really had me cheesy grinning like I know I just hurt my entire audience, but wasn't it fun?

"“LeTs NoT gEt EmOtIoNaL” my ass. I’m emotional. Let me emote 😭" @/BuckySimp101 ·This comment made me emote. And keep going with the GrumpyxSunshine series after Two Sides of The Same Coin.

"I challenge you to a duel anonymityisfun. You hear me duel, I hope you have a blood donner cos you're gonna need it ( I'm hating where this is going but loving your update speed. Keep it up )( side note I moved to mars so you're going to have to come here for out duel. )" @i-wanna-burn-the-world ·I can say with absolute certainty that I'd never been challenged to a duel before this comment. It's happened a few times since then to be honest.

"THIS MADE ME CRY AND I DONT MEAN JUST TEARED UP I MEAN I FUCKING CRIED MAN" @/Jwritesstuff ·If you couldn't tell, I really love comments that yell at me about what I made people feel. I love it.

"WHY WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO US IM LITERALLY CRYING RIGHT NOW WHY OH GOD WHY ARE THEY TREATING HER LIKE HOW HYDRA TREATED WINTER SOLDIER 😭😭😭 THEY DONT EVEN LET HER TAKE HER BELONGINGS ITS LIKE SHES NOT EVEN HUMAN THE WAY THEYRE TREATING HER OH GOD YOU'RE PAYING MY THERAPY 😭😭😭😭 THE TITLE ITSELF GOT ME HOLDING MY SEAT LIKE WDYM LAST KISS" @/Marquiserose ·This comment always makes me cheesy grin. I love the enthusiasm.

"SAM YOU BITCH! YOU CANT JUST LEAVE US! RULE NUMBER ONE!!!" @/any_ways ·Now, you guys didn't know what I knew, but the visceral reaction everyone had to Sam at the end of Two Sides of The Same Coin was *chef's kiss*

"When I gave this story my heart it was under the impression that you wouldn’t tear it out of my chest and stomp on it" @/HopeMAnd21 ·I know it sounds silly, but I like knowing that I can make people feel things. That the words I write can actually impact a person warms my little heart.

"I always have no feedback, criticism or words, but…I once again am lost. This whole this has twist and turns, one right after the other. I really don’t know what to say. This should be a mini book that I can hold in my hands and it has that little penguin on the spine, and anonymityisfun written under the title. I’m going to cherish this. When I’m bored and want twists and turns and sorrow, this is what I’ll read. You should be very proud!" @/any_ways ·Listen, I am, by no stretch of the imagination, a crier, but this comment made me cry. Being published, being able to call myself an author, even the idea of ever getting to put something out into the world, it's been my dream since I was a kid. Ugh, it just made my heart swell.

"you really did take all these characters and made them your own. from all the fanfictions i've read, your version of marvel characters are by far my favourite. i also feel very happy seeing this full circle moment because i still remember very vividly how sad i felt when i read how alone sunshine was. thank you for this series and i hope this is not the end!!" @/khirtelt ·This felt so important because, while legally I own very little rights to these characters, they do very much feel like my characters and my stories. They all have little pieces of me, both good and bad, and I'm very proud of the work I've put into these stories.

"110% babygirlification of Bucky Barnes" @/thesweetestheart ·I do not mind being attributed to the continued babygirlification of Bucky Barnes. It's now my life goal.

"I was thinking of you when the Taylor swift album dropped I HOPE U LOVED IT 🕺🏾🕺🏾🕺🏾 Also another Drabble masterpiece as PER USUAL" @buckbuckyoongs ·When you think Taylor Swift, I hope you think of me.

"I need a friend that loves me as much as Sam and Sunny love each other... AHEM, I SAID I NEED A FRIEND THAT LOVES ME AS MUCH AS SAM AND SUNNY LOVE EACH OTHER. please? (Now I just sit and wait until someone starts talking to me... I'm gonna be here for a while.)" @i-wanna-burn-the-world ·We all need a friendship like Sam and Sunshine.

"i ADORE THIS. I LOVE ITI WOUL KILL AND DIE FOR THIS. YOURE AMAZING AND I APRECIATE YOU POSTING YOUR WRITING, SO MUCH. I LITERALLY WIND DOWN AT NIGHT WITH YOUR STORIES-" @/ValerieQ "TYSM💜 AND OFC YOURE LITERALLY A GODDESS I DONT THINK YOU UNDERSTAND-" @/ValerieQ ·This was all one comment thread and when I tell you, I was having a rough go of it, I needed this. You all hype me up so much, but this comment just made my heart melt. I'm so glad that my silly little stories are a place you guys can go to unwind and hang out. I love that so much.

"another beautiful work from @/anonymityisfunwriter and i can’t tell if i love or resent them for the pain they put me through. every. time." @mediocre-daydreams ·I wonder if they decided if they love me or they resent me yet. Either way, I'm glad I make you guys feel all the feelings. It's my goal.

"Binged the shit out of this and fell in love. I cried, I weeped, my heart swelled with so much love for these two. Honestly this series felt like a hot bowl of homemade soup on a cold day." @kjdara ·"A hot bowl of homemade soup on a cold day" Please, the way that made me choke up. One of the best, sweetest comments I've ever gotten.

"I found the sound on TT literally just scrolling through and screamed "Bucky don't leave her! She's your sunshine"... Needless to say I have a meeting with the boss man about time theft" @/MandaRinne ·The time theft part made me laugh, and also worry, but I'll take it as a good thing you guys think of the Grumpy x Sunshine series while scrolling TikTok.

"I'm glad they made up and love love the twist at the end. Because it truly signifies that sunshine is a fighter. And I love sunshine and I try to strive towards adopting the better parts of her personality into mine everyday. Fr." @/youraveragehotmessofabisexual -This, and I'm not even exaggerating, left me a little speechless. It will never not blow my mind that anyone actually cares about anything I've written.

I'll be adding to this every now and then. I just wanted to do this to show my appreciation to everyone who's supported me, it's the greatest feeling in the world. If you're here, if you've ever left comment, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I love you all so much. 💛

And please, take this as a sign to show support to other amazing creators and authors, comments, reblogs, kudos, it makes a world of a difference. 💛

And, if for whatever reason, you're on this list and don't want to be, just let me know and I'll take it down. 💛

[titstraction]

1, tie between dreamers and abyss (with roots as a solid third spot, which will probably change when i get farther in lemon tree or reread something else again)

6, vividly vividly vividly remember my gut emotional reaction to the reveal that regulus named his kid sirius in dreamers!! all of dreamers is incredibly emotional, esp the later chapters, but something about sirius hearing that while visiting regulus’s grave (and regulus’s wife not knowing who sirius was, not realizing the significance to him!!!!!!) was such an OOF. i reacted the exact way sirius did, oh my heart might stop. (on a more selfish note i also remember the moment where i read you putting remus meeting sirius’s kitties in abyss after i mentioned wanting to see it in an earlier comment. we hadn’t even been talking long and it made me🥰🥰🥰 it was such a nice surprised you are the sweetest )

7, more than anything, the end of dreamers. no surprise here, my thoughts have been incredibly painstakingly detailed in the comments section but there is really no other answer there. everything that happens at the end is so visceral and emotions, and the reveal of what he had done is such a Reveal. even more, emotional though, is the knowledge that he is still the good person we know him to be and he deserves love! it is so much to sit with and process and such Commentary on humanity and how we care for and value each other.

also a special shout out to the end of blue, such a good ambiguous ending that really hit after your depictions of their love for each other but all the tensions between the and in their lives. the heat in their final discussion! “You know I’ll get you that time around, yeah?” ouchhhhh. you write a great ending.

8, your voice! you find and articulate the meaning in things so well and you’re so deliberate in your choices. i’m always impressed by how you maintain themes and threads throughout stories. it’s very delicious and you make me feel things so hard when reading. this makes a lot of sense with how (as expressed in my earlier answers) i love your endings. they are also my two favorite chapters of my two favorite fics! you make everything come together in such a satisfying way.

10, never thought i would love a silly little toad named ruth as much as i did in lemon tree!!! on a more serious note, your portrayal of peter in roots made me much more invested and interested in him than i every thought i would be. you created such an interesting narrative around his motivations and descent to joining voldemort and it was fascinating to read and talk about

12, i am currenty re-reading lemon tree and she is hitting tee hee🍋🤭

shut UPPPP 😛💓💘✂️✂️💗💗🏳️‍🌈🙏🏼👩🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏼👩🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏼👩🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏼🫦🫦🫦🫦💓💓🙏🏼💘💘🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈💖💖👅👅👅🤩🥰🥰😛

[pizzapasta23045]

Thank you for responding (and explaining flanderization! Very helpful word I hadn’t encountered before). You put it into words very well- I was struggling a little with how to word it but you got it and said it quite well. I was thinking about the windblume trailer when mentioning the puns- and just. Cyno really does have a sense of humor that makes you think about it, and fairly deadpan delivery. Which is fantastic

Fandom can be a bit of a double edged sword. On one hand- you can get some fantastic characterization, headcanons, and breakdowns of a character. But on the other…. Yeah sometimes what they do to a character is a lot more of a… why would you do that? And it’s treatment of Alhaitham is just- it feels more like it’s what they want him to be, or stripping him of nuance. Or in general like- no this character can’t possibly be x marginalized thing, they’re too attractive for it. Which baffles me to no end. Like sometimes it’s not even a reach or subtext or anything- sometimes it’s literally just text.

Thank you (I have vocabulary so obscure you wouldn't even believe it (nothing actually useful in my life I still stutter through most sentences))

And yeah... Fandom is like democracy in a way. Like it's great that everyone can contribute and shit but sometimes you hear someone just... Say the most insane shit imaginable and you're sitting there like... Seriously? This dude can talk?

(I am not advocating for dictatorships, obviously)

Some of fandom can write even better than the original, while others are just.... Idk... Very weird about it? Like, you do you obvs but idk... Do you actually base you hcs on lore or are you just playing puppeteer with a bunch of characters?

(not that you HAVE to base hcs on lore. A lot of them are pretty funny but... People treat them as though they're canon and that's my main issue with it, you know?)

And Al Haitham I talk about a lot because it's pretty blatant but it happens with a lot of the characters... It's like... A lot of people have a visceral reactions to him being hc as autistic it's like... They don't enjoy the fact that they're attracted to an autistic character? Like they find that weird.

Also, with Al Haitham and autism, a lot of people don't seem to see it because he's... Just smart? Like they say no he doesn't have any traits when he's very clearly got a lot of trait and has had them in childhood. He's quite literally confirmed to be hyperlexic and most of the people who can read well at an early age, like almost too well, tend to be autistic of the genius/gifted kid variety.

So yeah...

But I feel like the attractiveness thing is the main reason they react with such vitriol to autism HC about him in particular.

[nocturnical]

I don't know if this will become my spiritual/philosophical abyss to shout in but I changed up the format on my writing blog & I'm only posting shit I've published. & some of this shit I don't want to painstakingly arrange/organize into something publishable, nonetheless search for a market for it.

But tonight I tried to go to bed early because I keep fucking myself with my erratic sleep schedule & woke up an hour into being asleep because SURPRISE you have to take a gd excederin immediately or you are going to spend the rest of the night puking! & as I was lying on the couch eating crackers & waiting for the claws to retract from my temples, I decided to put some random shit on & ended up watching the first episode of Nick Groff's show Deathwalker.

The premise immediately connected w me because as a writer who has been researching the occult since I was a kid to build magic systems to tell stories in — what makes the most sense to me is that consciousness is alone in the universe & all the supernatural/paranormal things we can possibly experience are the edges of space-time read as fucky through individual consciousness. It's a grand theory of the paranormal in that there is no paranormal, it is all perception but what we understand as time is the old persistent illusion & everything is happening at once so of course there's bleed through for various reasons. Partially because the hardware of the human body/brain is imperfect, partially because the software of consciousness maybe doesn't so much glitch but has parameters, edges to the programming that we don't readily understand.

While I was really unimpressed by the first episode & feel like it didn't really do anything to press his idea any further & the dude that he was circle jerking his philosophy with was obsessed with some shit psychics told him. Which how the fuck do psychics play into your grand theory bro? Maybe there are people who can see more possibilities at once but they're still possibilities. Everything is happening at once & we are disseminating the information in real time. There's no set future or past only probabilities that belong to a specific place in conscious space-time for a moment before it shifts again.

But what it did remind me of is an EVP I heard a years ago on a podcast called Astonishing Legends. I was listening to the ep on headphones while I was working & I ended up ripping them out. I felt physically ill listening to the EVP. I heard a few people online say the same thing, it obviously affected one of the hosts pretty viscerally as well. But some people were like ya'll are stupid it's just feedback (& no it wasn't any feedback noise I've heard as someone who has been & musician for years & even ran sound for shows back in college). But again the theory is that paranormal shit is a shift in conscious perception & sensory data that triggers one person wouldn't necessarily trigger another.

Although I have migraine gremlins ripping out the little threads of nerves in my head right now, I decided, what a time to revisit the EVP & see if anyone had debunked it. They did use a famously unreliable EVP recorder & it was captured in The Sallie House & I'm not particularly fond of the story around it nor do I get any visceral feelings around the story or any of the photos of the house so I'm not hyped up imaginatively outside of the EVP itself.

But I played it again & immediately the loosening threads cutting around my eyes dug back in, my stomach turned, it felt like someone had punched me in the gut. Why? It's not even a particularly frightening noise? But I also get a little bit of a gut drop when I hear a foghorn for some reason. It ain't nothing but a thing, I've had uncanny reactions to other sensory input but for me there's something about certain sounds that fucks me up.

Anyway, I can find no video debunking it. Which apparently according to a reddit post I found they were having the sound examined by an audiologist. With all the video essays ripping Zak Bagans apart (justified), I just don't understand how nobody has gotten around to this really unsettling EVP attached to a very prominent haunted house (& I say that as someone who doesn't think haunted houses actually exist but that some people are open enough in consciousness to engage with either the story or the vibes (& by vibes I mean visceral sensory reaction) of the house).

I want to know what my malfunction is to have this reaction? Yeah, I've got the brainfire jingle jangles right now but the first time I heard the EVP I was on my bright eyed, bushy tailed type A bullshit. It pulled my guts out while I was plugging data points into a calendar spreadsheet. Every synapse in my stupid potato brains was shaking hands & getting along until that sound hit my eardrums & I noped the fuck out body & soul.

I also want to know what the scientific explanation for the sound is. Maybe there's a reason for it somewhere in the rationale. I don't know. It just plagues me, makes me wonder what is going on upstairs, & if the truth of it's all in your head is that yeah but so is everything else & in that there are universes.

[neteluvr-library]

okay im back again for my weekly reread of cardigan. anyways these next three chapters are so good and literally so fucking amazing and will never get over how good they are the dialogue is amazing and one of my favorite details EVER and i have been waiting for this moment for the last week weeks and im finally here AHHHHHHH i am excited to actually go through and leave my little notes hehehehe (not me playing around with the annotation formatting tumble is so annoying about indenting that i CANT)

It all got too much, and you lunged your body forwards and threw up on the ground next to your tent. You were panting, trying to somehow get a grasp on your mind and push the hurt aside, enough so you can see and hear the world around you.

THE VISCERAL REACTION!!!!! "I pictured you with other girls in love Then threw up on the street" 😭 100% valid reaction I would do the same thing.

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF STAGE III: DEPRESSION

ITS GETTING GOODDDD 😭

There was a calmness to your thoughts that you haven’t felt in years, probably since your mother died.

BABY THATS THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM !!!!!!

...but if there is any chance I can have the love of my life by my side, instead, I will cling on to it for dear life.

Neteyam annoyed me so bad during this like bro omg maybe you should have said all this BEFOREEEEE it was too late 😭 men have the worst timing HE HAD PLENTY OF OPPORTUNITY DAMN IT

You were staring at the sky, noticing the bright stars you now knew were actually bright death sentences, each of them beautiful and devastating.

NO BC like...i took astronomy class in college and was proud to get this reference hahaah like it really is sad that stars are so beautiful and bring us so much comfort, yet their time is limited. i think its a perfect reflection of what atan believes her life to be

There was no going back now, you were too far down the rabbit hole to stop and why put yourself through more unnecessary pain when this will all be over in a few days anyway?

SHES DOWN BAD YOUR HONOR!!! at this point atan is just so done with life, both physically and mentally, that it literally does not matter anymore. you can tell she's given up on hope completely and is a shell of a person right now

“What the hell do you mean out? Out where? You leave without telling, you don’t come back the whole night, do you have a fucking death wish?”

MAN JAKE BETTER STFU!!!!!!! like don't piss me off . i get his concern but he better watch his tone with atan. POOR BBY IS SUFFERING AND NEEDS LOVE AND INSTEAD, ALL SHE GETS IS BETRAYAL!!!!

You made me love you and break down these carefully constructed walls so you can be comfortable and sleep well at night for not breaking your promise my mum, and then you fucking stabbed me in the back.

THATS RIGHT ATAN GET HIS ASS 😭 no but what does jake expect? that's a huge fucking betrayal and she has every right to feel as angry and hurt. like she spent the last few years guarded and to herself, and the one time atan decides to push that to the side, she is betrayed by everyone. like i get that it was neteyam's responsibility and even jake threatened him before and told neteyam he needed to to tell atan, it doesn't sit right with me that they all had her looking stupid especially when they all know just how much of a bond they had together. the second atan got her new body, both neytiri and jake should have had a serious conversation with neteyam 😭

But I want to make this perfectly clear. As far as I am concerned, you and I, we are done. I am done.” You looked at every Sully one last time, and left.

Tuk standing and wondering what the fuck did she do wrong HAHAHAHA

For the man that died on a planet far away from home, alone, with no one to mourn him.

):

Was that going to be you? Would Neteyam remember you in 20 years, when he would tell stories about his childhood to his kids, when he remembered the good old times? Would you get a Na’vi send off? Or were you going to be buried somewhere in the forest, for someone to stumble upon in a distant future you would no longer be a part of?

FIRST OFF OUCH!!!!!!! atan thinking that she is so forgettable that she even has to question whether of no neteyal would remember her. i 100% think he would without a doubt, atan would be like a mythical legand to his kids (you know, if she actually died). but also it's very sad that she has to question whether she will end up like her father because life has been so cruel to her. like woah how did her life even get to this point where there's a possibility she could relive her dad's fate despite having lived completely different lives?

“Why am I here? Great Mother, please tell me there is more to this life, there is more to life than this, because I cannot do this anymore. I am so tired. I have tried to keep going my whole life, even when I wanted nothing more than to cease to exist, blissfully collapse in an ether where I didn’t have to feel anything anymore. I kept going because I wanted to make my mum proud, I wanted to honour the body and life she has given me. I am trying so hard, but I am really fucking tired.”

THIS WHOLE LITTLE SPEECH 😭 i think everyone has thought this to themselves at one point if their lives, perhaps even their lowest point of life, because like yeah what is her purpose?? what was she meant to do? it can be so harrowing trying to figure out your purpose in life when all life wants to do is be mean to you. this was just so relatable and i love it ): I think Atan is probably the most relatable to mean than out of your other female characters ahahaha

You sat on the bed, looking at the arm that was getting blue at the amount of needle holes it had, and you knew then you didn’t have much time left.

RAW AS FUCK!!!! (literally her arm is probably raw af) but i think this was an important detail for us to visualize just how far atan is from being okay and any semblance of normal. i mentioned this another chapter, but i really do love the inclusion of atan's dependence on drugs to keep her going because its the most poignant way to showcase someone's depression and despair.

You gave it a fair shot, this life thing

AGAIN, SHES ONLY A BABY ): SHES ONLY 18!!!!!! i think at 18 i felt like i knew everything, but looking back, its still so young and its so sad because at 18 you still have so much to live for and atan just felt like she didn't ):

You peered up at yourself in the mirror and were scared at the eyes watching you, rabid and wild, like an injured animal waiting to lash out.

I always loved this line!!!! because like a wild animal, atan is just defending herself from everyone around her and her inevitable death. she's no longer herself.

“Did you know I have needed pills to sleep and to live a normal day-to-day life since I was 13?

ATAN RELEASE BACK TO BACK BOMBS ON NORM ON THIS SCENE it must have felt so good for her to get all of this off her. SHES TELLING EVERYONE OFF, because what else does she have to live for? might as well burn the bridges and die with everything being said, no matter how mean or nasty it may be.

Neteyam will not be happy until there was nothing left of you, until he took everything from you.

For some reason, this reminded me of these lyrics from You're Losing Me:

How long could we be a sad song 'Til we were too far gone to bring back to life? I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier

You could fill endless manuscripts with the beauty of his love, that shone so brightly over you your whole life. He was the light in all the darkness and you honestly didn’t think you would have survived this journey without him.

This was so beautiful ): their relationship is so interesting because there's such a dichotomy between them. like both of them have both painful and loving memories with each other but its like how could that be at the same time??? like i said with neteyam before, i think they both love so hard that it becomes painful which has unfortunately lead to them the mess they're in right now

“I remember. I remember even at the time, thinking this was a good metaphor for our relationship. Life kept sweeping me off my feet, but you were always there to catch me, before it could take me away. I had so much faith in you back then, you were a fact of life, like the eclipse. You were the one person in this world I thought would never hurt me.”

SCREAMING CRYING SOBBING VOMITTING I CANJNT neteyam being her rock ):

Fighting with him was ironically one of your favourite things, because you knew the aftermath was the closest you ever felt to being in heaven.

let's unpack that babygirl

“I thought that if I left, you would be ok. I just wanted to protect you. My whole life, all I have wanted was for you to be ok. But it seems no matter what I do, I keep fucking up.”

DONT PISS ME OFF NETEYAM!!!! i truly think men are very stupid and at their core....just men.n even the most dreamiest of men, like neteyam, are men. i just cant get behind his reasoning even when he explains himself with so much emotion. because like THATS the best he could come up with? like how is he both selfish and selfless at the same time? it just feels like he's so centered on himself that even in his valiant efforts, he wasn't truly thinking about atan and how this might affect her. like who are you to decide that for atan, she is capable of making her own decisions and choosing who she wants in her life. i have beef with him now LMFAO maybe you can give me some clarity

just you and me

hehehehheheheh

Like no time had passed at all. I knew then I was going to love you for the rest of my life, and that will never change. That was my fact of life, my eclipse.”

.....but you still left her.

You left me. You broke me. And you never gave me a chance to make my own decisions. To figure out for myself what was the path forward. I have NEVER blamed you for my misfortunes.

EXACTLY!!!!! i just cant wrap my head around neteyam's reasoning. i wish i had more words to describe how i feel about it but i cant actually verbalize it into a sentence.

The sight of you made whatever happiness or hope he had left dissolve and trickle down his bones, until it reached the ground where it was eventually buried, never to be seen again.

you are so poetic like i will never get over it

To know that this is what was hiding underneath, this is what you hid from all of them, made him both impossibly miserable and strikingly enraged at the same time.

Cause they see right through me They see right through me They see right through Can you see right through me?

no bc this life was so relatable to me and i felt so called out and i still feel called out because i truly feel like this sometimes. and its like atan was just so good at hiding her hurt and it makes me so sad to realize that no one know just how much she was hurting ): i know she wanted it that way but to have all of that on display for someone else to see is, again, another way to showcase just how far gone she is from her "normal" self

All you do is numb yourself down, pretend you are fine and the issues you have suffered through do not exist. Well guess fucking what, Atan? They exist. And until you deal with that pain and let it pass over you and through you, you will always take the easy way out

Neteyam gagged her omg...

What, was I supposed to find you dead one day and that was it? That was what I deserved from you, after all the blood, sweat and tears I gave you?

NO LITERALLY WHAT WAS ATAN THINKING like as much as i think neteyam is bad for leaving her, atan is even worse for not telling everyone she was dying. like it would be so traumatizing just to die and leave everything and everybody unresolved because atan was too afraid to speak the truth.

OKAY I STARTED THIS AT LIKE 6:30 AND ITS CURRENTLY 8:11 DAMN!!!!!!!!! to be fair i was going back and fourth between my phone and this and im gonna draft it until i finish the other two chapters but no way im gonna finish it all tonight especially for the next chapter LOL

Illicit Affairs | Chapter VIII: My Tears Ricochet

Pairing: Neteyam x Human/Avatar!Reader

Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter IX Chapter X

Synopsis: All secrets are revealed and both you and Neteyam have to live with the consequences of your actions.

Warnings: pure angst, mentions of death, mental illness, addiction, self-injury, limited mentions of Y/N, did i mention angst, angst and more angst?

Word Count: 10,3k words (the first couple chapters were 3k, how did we get here??!)

A/N: This chapter killed me a little inside. I cried multiple times writing it, so I guess fair warning. I wanted really badly to build strong, round characters who had flaws and strengths and strong reasoning for acting a certain way/doing certain things. I wanted to write this story from both character's perspective, so it is clear that in life, each person will think they are right, that their reasoning was the correct one, when in reality, we are all a little right and a little wrong in everything we do, and it is always worth trying to see things from the other's perspective. We are coming towards the end of this first series, so I hope you enjoy this chapter and the rest of this journey. As always, thank you so much for everyone who engaged with it, I loved reading ALL of your comments and replies, they really make my day.

(Also, I feel like I am playing my own little game of "how many Taylor Swift and OG Avatar lyrics/quotes/references I can reasonably fit in a story without it being obnoxious" and I can't tell if I'm winning or not.)

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake? Cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet

You registered the girl asking you if you were alright, but you couldn’t see in front of you, the entire room spinning like the inside of a mirrorball. You felt your body rise from where it was sat next to Neteyam’s, and shakily made your way out. Neteyam’s mate. Neteyam’s mate was next to you, asking you if you need help. It all got too much, and you lunged your body forwards and threw up on the ground next to your tent. You were panting, trying to somehow get a grasp on your mind and push the hurt aside, enough so you can see and hear the world around you.

“I’m fine. Thank you.” you manage to blurt out weakly.

You heard more commotion, and faintly made out Jake’s voice and his arm on your shoulder, trying to bring you back to them.

“Neteyam, what the hell happened?”

You didn’t hear Neteyam speak. He was quiet and you were glad. You didn’t want to hear his voice, not now, and not for the rest of your life.

The world came back to focus eventually, and you spit aggressively trying to get rid of the taste of acid in your mouth. You removed Jake’s hand from your back, and left. The thought of speaking or even looking at any of them was too much to bear. You ran, harder than you ever had before, back to where you just came from, the Ikran nest in the village. You immediately recognised your own, beautiful, gold and white, pure, unlike the rest of this world. Neyn (light colours, shades of white)… fitting name, you thought. You made the tsaheylu quickly, and without a second thought, took off.

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF STAGE III: DEPRESSION

You had no thoughts as you flew above the forest and made your way towards the general direction of the Hallelujah mountains. You realised you didn’t know where you were going, you didn’t know how you were going to find your way back, but it didn’t matter. Were you even going to ever return? There were no tears, no sadness, just emptiness. The pieces of your heart broke so finely they turned into dust, blown away in the wind of the night. Eventually you found the mountains, easy enough to spot, even in the darkness, the fluorescent flora marking the territory with an easy-to-see glow. You flew like this, for enough time that your lungs were running out of breath and your skin felt battered by the wind, but you kept going. You felt so free, so weightless. There was a calmness to your thoughts that you haven’t felt in years, probably since your mother died.

You saw a distant mountain that looked brighter than the others, and you made your way to it and were amazed to find a little cave in it, bright and colourful, a little piece of heaven on a planet that was heaven in and of itself. Neyn landed softly on the edge of the mountain and you dismounted effortlessly and approached her head, giving her pets on her neck, to which she cooed gently. She was the only friend you had, you realise. You were all alone.

“Neteyam, what happened?”

Neteyam was dragged in the tent by his dad, who was fuming. No matter what feelings his dad was feeling, they couldn’t compare to Neteyam’s anguish and terror. Why the hell was she there? She just had to wait another couple of hours and this would have never happened.

“She was patching my wound up when Tiongli came in the tent, announcing to the world she is my mate. Said mother told her about my injury.”

“Don’t you dare blame this on your mother, boy.” the Sully patriarch’s nose was flared, eyes looking at him intensely with anger and disappointment. Neteyam’s eyes filled with tears, and he felt his heart hurting so much like the gash was there instead of his arm.

“I was going to tell her tonight, dad. After dinner. I was going to tell her everything, and I was going to ask her to be my mate. I was going to come to you both and ask you to undo the engagement. I understand that a year and a half ago I gave up on her, I did it for a reason, I thought there was no future for us, and that we were hurting each other. But things have changed. She has changed. She’s going to be one of the people soon and I want her to be mine.”

“Neteyam, you can’t undo the engagement. You have known Tiongli your whole life, her family’s been expecting this since you were both young. You gave your word before Eywa, son.”

“I love her, dad. Do you understand that? I have loved her all of my life. It killed me having to leave, it killed me knowing there was no future, because she was human. But she’s not just human anymore. I was willing to go through with this for the sake of the village, for the sake of the family and the future, but if there is any chance I can have the love of my life by my side, instead, I will cling on to it for dear life. Mother was betrothed to uncle Tsu’tey, and she gave that up for you. It was done before Eywa, and she didn’t care. Because she loved you and she knew that was enough. She gave up being Tsahik, her birth right, so she can have you. I will not give up on her, dad. Mother wouldn’t have given up on you.”

“I have to find her. I have to make this right.”

You were sprawled on your back, feeling goosebumps form along your limbs from the cold grass. You were staring at the sky, noticing the bright stars you now knew were actually bright death sentences, each of them beautiful and devastating. Will you even still be alive when they come? Will everything you have gone through these few months matter? Will everything you have gone through in this life matter? All the pain, and the hurt, and the grief, just so you can die at 18 from a virus. The universe was cruel, you thought. It was a fitting end, though. Meaningless and daft, like your entire life was. Born on a planet you were not made to be able to survive on, your real planet a long-forsaken dream you will never experience for yourself, surrounded by nature that could kill you in an instant. Alone, never fitting anywhere, orphaned by human diseases: cancer and greed. Left to fend for yourself when you were just ten, learning to navigate a life that only seemed to want to clobber you to the ground whenever you thought you finally could stand up again.

There was no light at the end of the tunnel, not anymore. You wanted to fight for something, for the chance at life, or at retribution, or at love. You were dying and Neteyam killed whatever hope remained in you. They all did. Norm, Max, Jake, Neytiri, Lo’ak, Kiri, Spider, all accomplices, all aware, all willing to lie to your face for weeks with no remorse. You thought you were good at spotting liars, now you just knew how little you knew about everything.

The pain in your soul mirrored the one in your body, as you felt the morphine wearing off and your human body struggling to keep the mind steady for the link. You had to bear it, because this pain was more manageable than the one you knew waited for you in your human form, when you would be alone in a dark room with only your nightmares to keep you company.

With a sigh and a peer up at the sky, you hoped whatever comes after death was better than the hell you’ve lived in the majority of this life.

Neteyam waited the whole night in your tent, waited for you to come back, becoming increasingly worried as the hours passed and you didn’t show. He wanted to go and look for you, but knew that as soon as you got on your ikran, the chances of finding you were thin. He would go to the lab as soon as dawn broke, but for now, he was praying that you would just burst through the tent opening so he can talk you down.

He fucked up, badly. He cringed at the thought of how much he seemed to not be able to get anything right when it comes to you. Everything he did or didn’t do ended up hurting you more, the only thing he didn’t want, the only thing in the world he continuously tried to avoid.

He was consoled by the fact that he would have a lifetime to make it up to you. He will not give up trying, no matter how long, no matter how hard, he was determined to win you back and keep you, forever.

As you made it back to your human body in the early hours of the morning, you regretted waiting so long, as your body was in indescribable agony, the likes with which you didn’t know was possible for the human body to ever experience. Your heart was beating a mile a minute, you were sweating bullets and every bone and muscle in your body throbbed with enough intensity to make it almost impossible for you to get up from the pod. Everyone must be asleep at this hour, you thought. You had to make it to your bed, you had to get at least a couple of hours of rest if you were going to live to see another day. As if you were taking the Iknimaya again, you made your way form the lab to the medical ward and injected another dose of the morphine in your system. There was no going back now, you were too far down the rabbit hole to stop and why put yourself through more unnecessary pain when this will all be over in a few days anyway?

You crashed in your room for a few hours and quickly made your way back to the pod before anyone else was there to talk to. You started the linkpod by yourself and got in without hesitation.

Waking up in your Avatar body was a strange experience, as you were still in the Hallelujah mountains where you fell asleep last night. Neyn did not leave you, you noted, and she was peacefully resting next to you, cooing softly in her sleep.

“Hey, beautiful girl. Time to go back. It would be useful if you knew the way.” you pet her gently, trying not to disturb her. She woke up and pushed her snoot in your chest, and you felt it swell for this animal that you had an unbreakable bond with; you were grateful you had done the Iknimaya and at least gained a life companion from that horrible day.

As suspected, Neyn knew where to take you, and in about an hour you made it back to the village. You dreaded it, dreaded the inevitable interaction, but you knew you had to go back at some point and inform them of your whereabouts.

It was still early, so the village wasn’t quite bustling with energy yet. You quietly made it back to your tent, which you found empty. You grabbed your bow and arrows, knife and gun and a couple extra magazines. You didn’t know if you were going to be back. As you were making your way out, your head bumped into a large, muscular chest.

Fuck.

“Where the hell were you all night, kid? None of us slept a wink last night worrying.”

“Out.”

“What the hell do you mean out? Out where? You leave without telling, you don’t come back the whole night, do you have a fucking death wish?”

You laughed at the irony of his words. He caught your arm as you were walking away and pulled you back forcefully so you can face him.

“You are not going anywhere.”

“Let go.” Jake raised a brow at your words. He was not used to being spoken this way, you realise.

“How long?”

His grasp on you loosened, and his gaze softened when you peered up at him through eyelashes to which tears clung.

“How long has this been going on?”

“Kid…”

“How fucking long, Jake?”

He let go of your arm at your curse, which had never been directed at him before.

“Watch your tone, kid.”

“You made me feel like shit for learning to shoot guns without you. It made you feel bad, right? Knowing I purposefully left you out of something you could have been useful at, something we could have bonded over? I hurt you, by pushing you and Neytiri away for so many years, and I am sorry for that, but you have never, in your life, tried to understand me. So you gave me shit about something you didn’t understand, and I hurt so much inside at the thought of all I gave away by my reluctance to trust, to love, to let people in. So I changed. I let you in. I was here, everyday, acting like a perfect little daughter for you, the daughter I knew you wanted. Strong, capable, skilled. I let Neytiri in. I started calling her mum in my dreams, and although the guilt for my own mother gnawed at my insides silently, I was also relived, to finally have a family again, or for the first time.

You made me love you and break down these carefully constructed walls so you can be comfortable and sleep well at night for not breaking your promise my mum, and then you fucking stabbed me in the back.

I trusted you, Jake. You fucking lied to my face for months. Every time I asked where Neteyam was at dinners and you told me he was practicing, every day you plotted to get me out of the village as early morning as humanly possible and get me back after everyone else was fast asleep, I knew it in my heart you were lying, but you were all so good at it, I thought I was going crazy. But no, it was all a carefully planned ruse to not find out you made me come here and be part of the people just to watch the man I love belong to someone else without even a chance to decide for myself how to feel about it.”

The fight brought out the rest of the Sully family out of their tent, and they were all watching you now, concern and sadness displayed across their beautiful faces.

“You all lied to me. Looked me in the fucking eyes and lied to me, every day, multiple times a day. You were supposed to be my family.

The humans are coming. I will be here. I will stand and fight, you know I will. I will be your little soldier, and be who you made me into.

But I want to make this perfectly clear. As far as I am concerned, you and I, we are done. I am done.” You looked at every Sully one last time, and left.

You were no longer delightfully numb, but burning with anger and earth-shattering sorrow as you stalked away from the village, leaving everything behind. Your eyes were blurry with endless tears, mourning this life and this family that you managed to gain and lose within the span of a few weeks, reeling from the wounds within your heart that never had a chance to mend before being opened again, over and over. You didn’t want to go back to the lab, knowing Neteyam was most likely looking for you there. You couldn’t go to the clearing for the same reason. You had no home anymore, no place in this world, once again. You could only think of one place to go, one place where no one would ever look for you.

Your knees were shaking furiously as you walked, and you were scared of another flashback that you would have to ride out by yourself, but it never came. You just walked, crying and panting from all the pain the last 24 hours brought, and eventually you made it to a place you never thought you would ever see again. The clearing looked peaceful, with rays of light penetrating through tree branches, creating Mandalas on the ground that you found yourself tracing with your eyes.

In the corner, lay a decrepit exo suit, and you made your way to it, settling on the ground next to it. You knew now this exo suit belonged to your dad, and you removed some vines that grew on top of his name, Gideon Barlowe. A beautiful name, you thought, and your mind wandered to the past, a past way before you were even born, and wondered what your grandparents did back on Earth. Did they encourage their son to leave his own planet in pursuit of planetary colonisation, monetary gain and murderous acts? Did they know? Did he know? Was he like that his whole life, or did he start off fighting the good fight, and was corrupted by the jagged and monstrous lifestyle? You wondered if this was what he has always dreamt of doing, or he had secret dreams of being a painter, or a gardener. Did he play guitar, too? You snored sometimes, did you get that from him? You had so many questions for this man you shared half your DNA with, but have never met. For the man that died on a planet far away from home, alone, with no one to mourn him.

Was that going to be you? Would Neteyam remember you in 20 years, when he would tell stories about his childhood to his kids, when he remembered the good old times? Would you get a Na’vi send off? Or were you going to be buried somewhere in the forest, for someone to stumble upon in a distant future you would no longer be a part of?

Sobbing uncontrollably, you heard yourself speak in between wails. “Why am I here? Great Mother, please tell me there is more to this life, there is more to life than this, because I cannot do this anymore. I am so tired. I have tried to keep going my whole life, even when I wanted nothing more than to cease to exist, blissfully collapse in an ether where I didn’t have to feel anything anymore. I kept going because I wanted to make my mum proud, I wanted to honour the body and life she has given me. I am trying so hard, but I am really fucking tired.”

A little past eclipse, you arrived at the lab, and used the keycard you remembered to bring with you. You hoped Neteyam would be gone by now, in case he was trying to find you here. You made your way through the hub and into your bedroom, which looked tiny in your Avatar body. You realise how uncomfortable it must have been for him to be here so often, then cursed your brain for making you think about such things. Your Avatar body needed a bed, so you walked slowly to where the other Avatar bodies usually were laid to rest for the night. There should be an empty space where your mum or Grace used to sleep. It didn’t take long for you to wake up back in the linkpod, as with most nights recently, you were barely able to maintain the neurolink by the time evening came.

Max was waiting for you. “Neteyam came by. He’s been looking for you, said you left the village yesterday and didn’t come back. He was worried sick.”

You didn’t answer him, as you slowly got out of the pod and tried to steady your feet on the ground, harder than it seemed when the entire room was spinning around you.

“What happened?”

“The mate you all hid from me for weeks came announcing herself in my tent as we were just about to kiss.”

“Any other questions?”

You didn’t wait for a response before you made your way out of the room, stalking towards the medical ward.

As you retired to your room for the night, you noted the morphine was not working as well as used to anymore. You sat on the bed, looking at the arm that was getting blue at the amount of needle holes it had, and you knew then you didn’t have much time left. Maybe a couple of days. A couple more days of this. And then it would finally be over. You gave it a fair shot, this life thing. You couldn’t say you felt particularly sad at the thought of it ending. You pressed play on your vintage record player and let yourself sleep.

“Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe, all the hell you gave me?

'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you, til my dying day”

You spent the next 2 days in a haze, drugged out of your mind, waking up before eclipse and leaving to your dad’s grave and sleeping in the woods until the night, barely able to make it on your own two feet. Even in your human body, Neyn recognised you, and stood by you, which gave you some peace of mind. You made sure to bring her fruits from the lab, and she cooed warmly as she settled next to you.

When you made your way back that night, Norm was waiting.

“Where the hell have you been? Everyone’s been looking for you for 3 fucking days.”

You removed your oxygen mask and made your way to the room, where he followed you. You were in so much pain you couldn’t see straight.

“I am talking to you!” he took you by your arm and spun you around. The motion made you instantly sick, and you struggled to keep down the fruits you shared with your ikran.

“Let go of me, Norm.” you had no strength in your body anymore, so it took you awhile to shake him off.

“You look like shit. What did you do?”

You managed to make it to the bathroom, where you shut the door behind you and got in the shower. Fortunately, for you or him, you couldn’t tell, Norm was gone when you came out.

The next morning, you woke up desperately searching for pain relief and didn’t know if you were going to be able to make it to the ward before your knees would collapse on themselves. You were shaking and dizzy, out of your mind with agony and walking to the bathroom felt like the most intensive workout you have ever done. You peered up at yourself in the mirror and were scared at the eyes watching you, rabid and wild, like an injured animal waiting to lash out. It was too much for you to bear, and before you could even think or rationalise, you felt your fingers curl into a fist and make contact with the cold glass of the mirror, shattering in dozens of pieces, and it made you weirdly happy to have a visual representation of how your soul felt. The instant pain of the all the wounds the smash caused also gave you a weird sense of euphoria, and you realised it was taking away from the pain in the rest of the body, which was only able to focus on one agonising sensation at a time. This felt like a kiss by comparison, and you knew then you could go on a little longer, you could continue with the rest of the day.

Norm came bursting through the door at the loud crash.

“What the hell happened? Are you okay?”

You came out of your bathroom, blood dripping all over the floor as you made your way to the bed, sitting down on it.

“Leave, Norm.”

“What?”

“Leave.”

“What the hell has gotten into you recently. you are rude and brash, and you hurt people’s feelings with no remorse. This isn’t you.”

“What the hell do you know about me, Norm?” you say, laughing bitterly.

“Ace, stop.”

“You don’t know anything, Norm.” you kept going, the fury and hurt getting the best of you, once again, your need to destroy everything in your path as a way to cope with your own heartbreak winning by a landslide.     

“Did you know I have needed pills to sleep and to live a normal day-to-day life since I was 13? I have been slowly depleting our sleeping pill and benzodiazepines inventory and replacing it with multivitamin pills I found in one of the drawers. I mean thank God none of you suffer from anxiety or panic disorder or need help sleeping cause I would have been busted so long ago.”

You laughed mockingly at his shocked face, jaw so close the floor now you could trip on it on your way out.

“Did you know I am about a week and a half away from dying after I accidentally smashed a vial of infected blood and got it in my mouth?”

You stand corrected, you think now his jaw was close enough to the floor to trip on it.

“Did you know I have upgraded from a pill addiction to a full blown opioid addiction in order to not collapse on the floor in excruciating pain because of the way this virus is eating at my insides? Yeah, yeah, that’s right. We’re almost out of a whole vial of morphine after I injected it in my veins every day for a while now.”

He had no words. “That’s about right.”

“I do know one thing you do know, though. You know that Neteyam had his mate announcement ceremony that day I took off. You were there to see the two love birds announce their love and pledge their commitment to each other the one day I was not there. And that’s why you were acting shifty. You know about that. And somehow you forgot to tell me, every day, for weeks. How does that work out, Norm, hmm?”

“I felt so bad for snapping at you a couple of days ago. I felt like a horrible fucking person for hurting your feelings. I should have been watching my back, instead.”

You got up from your bed and started walking towards the door.

“If I were you I would not linger in a room with poisoned blood dripping on the floor for too long.”

You found some paper towels at the side of your bed and wrapped them around your bleeding, pained hand, and with that, you left.

After you upped the morphine you usually took, you went to the lab and prepped a hood for some more experiments. Work was a good way to get your mind off things, to mindlessly do something that had a purpose other than driving you to the brink of insanity.

You heard a loud banging noise coming from the entrance, and you had a sneaking suspicion you knew who it was. You heard Norm open the door.

“Is she here?”

“Yeah, but Neteyam, I think you should go. She’s not in a good place, and I really don’t think doing this will end well for either of you.”

“I don’t care, I have to talk to her, I have been looking for her for 3 fucking days.”

You heard the door to the lab slide open and hissed at the man you knew would be trying to come in, realising hissing in a human body doesn’t have nearly the same effect.

“Get the fuck out, Neteyam. This is a sterile room.”

“I don’t fucking care about the room, Atan. Where the fuck have you been? Please come out so we can talk.”

You threw your head back and laughed, really laughed.

“You really are delusional if you think there is any way in heaven and hell I would want to hear anything you have got to say. The time for talking was a couple months ago, Neteyam. The time for talking was the first day I got my Avatar body, where in addendum to telling me you own my ass now, you could have also sprinkled in the fact your are now mated with someone else.”

“I am not mated with anyone, for fuck’s sake. Just come out so we can talk, please. I will explain everything, please!”

You stopped what you were doing and looked at him, for the first time since that day. He looked exhausted, anguished. Deep purple bags under his eyes, that were burning red where the whites should be. He has been crying. Good, you thought. He looked panicked and miserable and desperate for you to give him the time of day, for you to allow him to explain the unexplainable.

You sighed and your heart constricted in pain. Neteyam will not be happy until there was nothing left of you, until he took everything from you. At the same time, you were curious, morbidly curious as to what has actually happened, what led to this moment. You knew he loved you. You knew that much, but it didn’t seem to matter in this moment, as he broke your heart for what felt like the thousandth time in your short life.

“Go to the clearing, I’ll come when I’m ready.”

You half considered just leaving him there to wait, abandoning him just he did to you. You finished splitting your cells and treating them, and in about an hour, you went into the linkpod and took your Avatar for a walk in the woods. You reached the clearing shortly, as it was close enough that even child you could do it without getting too far away from the building.

You saw him standing there, his back turned to you and his legs submerged in the river that was rushing violently downstream. It was a cold day, and rain was trickling down your body like shivers from a kiss. There was tension in the air, and you knew a storm was coming. You could practically feel the charge in the atmosphere, and were expecting thunder to start any minute now, ready to mirror the agony in your soul.

“I’m here.”

He didn’t speak for a while. Just stood looking at the river, deep in thought.

“So many of our moments throughout the years happened here. Remember when I taught you to swim in the river? Now, in retrospective, that was a bad idea since the water kept taking you away, to the point I had to wait at the end so I could catch you in my arms, like you were a baby.”

You winced at the memory.  You thought you could do this. You felt numb in that lab, numb on the way here, but as soon as your eyes focused on him, tears starting pooling in your eyes and pain overtook your body, that you tried to counteract by wrapping your arms tightly around yourself. He’s caused you so much hurt, so much grief in the years he’s known you. But he was also at the forefront of most of your happiest memories. You could fill endless manuscripts with the beauty of his love, that shone so brightly over you your whole life. He was the light in all the darkness and you honestly didn’t think you would have survived this journey without him.

That is why this hurt so much, why your body was convulsing on itself in insurmountable grief. And also why you owed him this much. Owed him this conversation, and the right to explain his point of view, that you were still unfamiliar with.

“I remember. I remember even at the time, thinking this was a good metaphor for our relationship. Life kept sweeping me off my feet, but you were always there to catch me, before it could take me away. I had so much faith in you back then, you were a fact of life, like the eclipse. You were the one person in this world I thought would never hurt me.”

“Fuck, Y/N, all I did before I left is hurt you.”

“What are you talking about?” You were confused at the turn this conversation took. What did he mean? You couldn’t recall a single time Neteyam hurt you before you left. Sure, you would fight and bicker sometimes, but it was a normal part of any relationship, you thought. And he always made it up to you, would always come to the lab and sit with you with flowers he collected or trinkets he found in the woods, always holding you and kissing your forehead to make sure you were over it before he had to leave. Fighting with him was ironically one of your favourite things, because you knew the aftermath was the closest you ever felt to being in heaven.

“I almost fucking killed you. Or have you forgotten? Have you forgotten how I manipulated you into getting on top of an ikran when you were just a 13 year old human and almost watched you die? Have you forgotten I took you to the woods and raced you to your dad’s remains? I was a walking magnet for disasters in your life and I was tired, so fucking tired of watching your life fall apart all around me. I had to watch you learn to walk again, limp because of my actions, for years. I had to pull you out of flashbacks and nightmares you developed because of ME. You were always fine in the woods with Lo’ak or Kiri, but everything bad that has happened to you happened around me.”

He was crying, panting and angry, at himself or you or the universe, you couldn’t tell.

“I thought that if I left, you would be ok. I just wanted to protect you. My whole life, all I have wanted was for you to be ok. But it seems no matter what I do, I keep fucking up.”

You had no words to speak as you lay there, listening to him letting you in to a secret you have spent so many months agonising over. The reason for his departure haunted you for a year and a half, even when you refused to think about him, about it, it was there, constantly emerging from the depths of your subconsciousness, taunting you in your dreams. Why? Why? Why?

Because he wanted to protect you?

You didn’t have time to process all of this new information, before he continued.

“The night you found your dad, I was shaken to my core, in a way I have never truly been before. I was so heartbroken, for you and for myself, for knowing this will haunt you for the rest of your life. I went home and mother found me, and told me that maybe I can’t help you in the way I’ve always wanted. That maybe it’s better for you that I remove myself for a while and leave you room to breathe and heal. So I did. It took me a long time to get the strength to do it. Every time I thought today is the day, I would see you and you would smile at me, and we would sit on your bed and you would read to me or play me songs or just be there, just you and me, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. You were everything to me, my light in all the darkness.

A year later, you sang me the song and you were smiling at me singing it, and I knew you were confessing feelings we have both felt for years and couldn’t say out loud. And I knew that if I stayed, whatever we had would escalate past the point of no return. If I stayed, that would be it. And that’s when I decided. I thought I was doing us both a favour. I knew it would hurt you, just as much as it hurt me, but I thought the pain would subside in time.”

You were crying now, you realised, tears falling silently and effortlessly down your face, with no intention to ever stop, instantly washed away by the pouring rain. There were no sounds, no sobs or wails, or panted breaths, just the sounds of rain and hopeless, soft cries and muffled sniffles, for the man in front of you, for all that you have lost, for the past you shared and the future that you would never have.

He got up from where he stood and turned around to face you. He walked towards you until he was so close to you could feel his breath on your face. His stare made goosebumps appear on your entire body, so earnest and desperate, so full of intensity for the words he was trying to convey to you.

“It didn’t.” He said, at the same time you thought the same words in your mind.

“A few years ago, mother and father told me I would one day have to find a mate. They knew and I knew it was expected of me, but I always put it off, so they eventually dropped it. I learnt later they both knew about us, so they didn’t push me into anything until they felt I was ready. A few months after they realised I decided to leave, they started bringing it up again. I didn’t want to hear it, but they said it was time, as I had refused for years longer than what was acceptable in the clan. I met with so many girls, all from good families, all healers in training, all wrong. Beautiful girls, smart girls, skilled healers and singers, and it was like looking at the grey walls of your lab. I felt nothing, I felt sick just thinking about it, like just the thought would be betraying the memory of our bond. Eventually, I told them they can decide. Grandma can decide whatever she thinks is best, and, as Tsahik, I would listen to her voice and wisdom, and do my duty to the clan. She chose Tiongli. I knew her growing up, and we were friendly, so I tried to make an effort. I would go to her tent, and she would show me her training sometimes, I would let her heal my wounds and imagined it was your hands touching me instead. I visited her family and paid my respects, and had dinner with them whenever they invited me. I hoped in time, I could learn to care for her, to lessen the distaste in my mouth whenever my family or the clan talked about the future, about the ceremony, about the life I was supposed to lead that I hated even the thought of.

And then, one day, my dad sent me to get Lo’ak from the lab. I was so scared of knowing I would have to see you again. It had been so long, and so many feelings gnawed at me on the walk there, terror and anxiety, guilt and longing. But then I saw you, and there was only one feeling: love. Like no time had passed at all. I knew then I was going to love you for the rest of my life, and that will never change. That was my fact of life, my eclipse.”

He slowly took your face in his hands, and his thumb was caressing your cheek trying to wipe the tears and raindrops that were falling mercilessly. You saw his face slowly getting closer to yours, and you knew you should pull away, you should remove yourself from his grasp before the kiss was going to remove the last ounce of happiness from you. You knew what you had to do, knew that no matter what information or answers or justifications he would give you today, they wouldn’t matter. You should pull away, because there is no future, no hope. But you couldn’t. You didn’t know what waited for you in the afterlife, but if there was any chance you would have your memories, you wanted this kiss to haunt you forever, to remind you of the life you left behind.

His lips touched yours so gently, it felt like a whisper. Like a hug, tender and warm, it was so different than your first kiss. Tears were still running down your face as your lips moved, entangled with his and begging for more. Your hands went to his chest, to his neck, to his back, just touching him, trying to memorise his body, this feeling. You wanted so much more, you wanted to be his, you wanted to feel him, you wanted him to own you, like he did your heart, which has been his your entire life and will still be his after your death.

You were a mess of wet tangled limbs and panted breaths by the end, and eventually, he broke the kiss to look at you through teary eyes.

“I love you, I will always love you. I am so sorry.”

“I love you, too.”

“But this doesn’t change anything, Neteyam.”

“Thank you, for finally telling me why you left. For giving me some closure for something that has plagued me for so long, it became a constant part of my nightmares. Thank you for having my best interest at heart; it couldn’t have been easy to leave, if you didn’t want to, it took a strong heart to do something that hurt you for what you thought was the lesser evil. But it doesn’t change anything.”

“You left me. You broke me. And you never gave me a chance to make my own decisions. To figure out for myself what was the path forward. I have NEVER blamed you for my misfortunes. The ikran ride is still a beautiful memory to me. You made it a beautiful memory. If it weren’t for your quick thinking, we probably would have both died at the hands of Toruk. You saved my life, Neteyam. You carried me home and stayed with me while I was having surgery, you stayed with me after, while I recovered. You pulled me out of the worst panic attack I have ever had when I found my dad, and you rode out so many of my flashbacks, I have lost count. You weren’t the cause or the common denominator of these events, I was. I am the one plagued by misfortune and hurt and death. Not you. And if you tell me you had to leave to save your own peace of mind, I would respect that. I don’t know anyone in this world who can take this, take me and all the shit that follows me everywhere I go. I don’t blame you.

But if you tell me that you did this for me, that I can’t accept. I didn’t ask for any of this. You gave me no choice, and no say in this relationship, in our shared life. You just left. I deserved better than that. And I deserved better than to find out about a mate after months of lies and manipulation and deceit. I don’t care. I don’t care if you are going to say that you didn’t want it, or you were going to undo it, or that you’ve always loved me and never her. I don’t care. You lied to me, you manipulated me. You accused me of fucking your brother as you were promised to another woman that you hid from me for months. I do blame you for that, and I will never be able to forgive you.”

“Please, Atan…I will tell her no. I will tell her -.” he was sobbing now, his hands still on your face, pleading.

“No.” you slowly took his hands in yours and removed them from your face.

“I think you should do it, Neteyam. She is a good girl, she will make a good Tsahik, and a good mate. Your mother was right, there is no future here - there never was. I love you, so much. But I think you have broken my heart one too many times. I am done.”

You turned your back and walked away from him and the life that was lost - forever.

You were completely soaked when you arrived in the lab, and you went straight to the Avatar laying room and cried. Cried until it felt like no more tears could possibly come out of you. You cried yourself to sleep and then cried in the pod, on the way to your bedroom, and in bed until your human body eventually collapsed from exhaustion. You cried in your dreams, in which Neteyam was kissing you and touching you, doing all the things you were silently begging him to in your mind just a few hours ago.

Eventually, nightfall came, and you had to get up to do the rest of your experiments and top up your analgesic. Ironically enough, you were making real progress on your work. You found a combination therapy that was showing incredible potential in slowing the virus down. It wasn’t enough to stop and eradicate it, but it was enough to give people more time and hopefully give the scientists more time to find a cure. It wouldn’t help you, but maybe you could still help others.

At some paint through the night, as you were making up some reagents, Norm bursts through the door holding a bunch of equipment and some pills, you realise. He puts them down on the bench behind you and speaks.

“Right, stop whatever you are doing, right now.”

“I am in the middle of something.”

“I don’t fucking care. Stop, now.”

You were taken aback at his words and attitude. Norm never got mad, or lost his composure. He was so most well balanced person you knew.

You put the pipette gun down and turned around to face him.

“I still need to adjust the pH on this.”

He ignored you while he prepared the myriad of little gadgets he brought with him. He motioned for you to take off your lab coat, and you rolled your eyes in annoyance, but did as you were told regardless. You were too tired to argue anymore.

He raised the sleeves of your top until they couldn’t go any further up your arm and put a blood pressure monitor on you. You felt tension as its sleeve tightened around you painfully, but eventually it gave out with a puff, and you heard beeping as the machine finished its reading. You looked to your right where the monitor lay, and saw red lights flashing, letting Norm know your blood pressure and pulse were dangerously low. His eyes widened slightly at the sight, but he held his composure, removing the gadget from around your arm and putting it away. He then read your oxygen levels, which you saw were constantly dabbling between 89 and 90%. Not good, you thought. No wonder you could barely breathe anymore. Norm cursed silently under his breath, trying to not let you see him, but if there was one thing you were good at, it’s reading people. Well, you thought you were, at least.

“Did you do any tests on your blood? How is your complete blood count looking?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Why the fuck not, Ace? It’s not like you don’t know how to do it.”

He was angry, really angry. You’ve never seen Norm this angry, you’ve never seen Norm acting this way towards you.

You just shrugged. With a huff of annoyance, he took your arm and prepared a needle and syringe to collect some blood. He gulped and you could see tears forming in his eyes when he looked at the violet bruises and needle holes that were plastered along the length of your brachial vein.

“Just didn’t get around to it.”

“You didn’t - Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

“What medicine have you been taking? Did you take the Relenta, or the combination therapy we have been working on?”

“Neither.”

You swear you saw Norm’s entire body enter a catatonic state and he turned so red you were worried he was going to release steam out of his ears.

“You have been sick for a month and did not take anything, none of the treatments we have been working on?”

You couldn’t look him in the eye anymore, finding comfort in the pattern of the tiles on the floor.

“I can’t believe you. I didn’t peg you for someone who would just throw their life away meaninglessly. Your mum had to die because we didn’t have a way to treat her illness, and here we are, with a solution that YOU came up with for your own illness, and you will just not even try?”

You were quiet, not really having a way to rebut his questions.

“Fine. We will start you on the combination treatment tonight and take it from there. There’s other things we haven’t tried yet and I’m sure -“

“NO.”

“I’m not asking you. I’m not letting you fucking die.”

“Why must you always fucking try to fix everything, Norm? Some things can’t be fixed. I don’t want the fucking pills. I am done. I want this to be done.”

“So you’ll just die? Is that what you’re saying? You want to die, and not even fucking TRY to see if there is more to this life. Goddamn it, Y/N. I thought having the Avatar would help you realise life is worth living, there’s beauty in this world beyond the walls of this lab. You got your first kill, you did the Iknimaya, you’re going to become one of the people. Don’t you want to see what your future holds? Don’t you want to live to see yourself grow up? Fall in love, start a family. There are more guys in this world than just Neteyam.”

You gave Norm a dirty look and got out of the lab.

Neteyam felt his whole body reel after your conversation. It didn’t change anything, he thought bitterly. He thought explaining it to you, allowing to see that he had good reasons for his actions would allow you to forgive him, to at least allow him the opportunity to make it up to you through time. You left, just like he had so long ago, but there was a finality to you that he didn’t feel then. Back then, he always had hope that a miracle would still be possible, one in which you got an Avatar, healed and loved him, forever. He wanted to love you forever, but his apology and explanations were not enough.

He lost you, again.

He spent the night flying on his Ikran, just flying and letting the rain soak his thoughts and hurt away. He just wanted to disappear. He wanted the rain to melt his bones until there was nothing left of him but the memory of happier times.

In the early hours of the morning, he made it back to the village, trying to hide his cried out eyes and calamitous grief. He was dreading having to talk to his parents, to explain to them what happened, to have to go through with Tiongli and this future he didn’t want and will have to suffer through for the rest of his life. He didn’t have time to worry about it too much though, because, as he managed to get to the tent’s entrance, he heard Norm’s voice and his dad’s, intertwined with his grandma’s voice rising above them.

“It won’t work. Eywa will not allow her to come back.”

“Why not? She has taken her Iknimaya, she has completed her kills, she has spent her entire life in the village’s service, trying to help the best way she knew how. If she doesn’t deserve this, who does?”

“It’s not that she doesn’t deserve it. It’s that she doesn’t want it. She doesn’t want this, Norm. The Great Mother will not transfer the conscience of someone with no future.”

“But maybe if this happened, she will realise that she wants to live. Once she’s rid herself of her weak body, of this disease, maybe she will -“

“The Great Mother’s word is final. She will die, because she wants to die.”

Mo’at’s voice rang in his ears so hard he thought his eardrums would pop.

She doesn’t want it.

She will die.

What were they talking about? Who would die?

No… it couldn’t be. No, the Great Mother wouldn’t be so cruel.

He didn’t wait to hear the rest of the conversation, running as fast as his feet could carry him back to the lab. He reached soon enough, he was faster than most other people in the village, and started knocking on the door of the lab with all his might.

“Y/N, OPEN UP, I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE!”

Eventually, Max came to the door, through which Neteyam burst without consideration for the tiny human next to him.

“She’s not in, Neteyam. She left before any of us had a chance to say anything.”

“Was she in her Avatar body?”

“No, the body is in the den where they sleep.”

He didn’t bother thanking the man, as he turned on his heel and started running again. She was there, had to be.

It was still raining, the clouds relentless as they released drops that poured gently down his face and body, and Neteyam thought the Great mother was crying, mourning the love being washed away like a pebble in the river of the clearing, just like he was.

You were there, of course you were. A current shocked Neteyam at the sight of you. This was the first time he has seen your human body in months, and he found it hard to reconcile the image of you he has known all his life with this current one. You were incredibly thin, so thin, whereas a few months ago he could trace your muscles, he could now trace your bones. You were pale, almost ashen, and the hair that he once spent so long admiring was now brittle and dull, obvious even as it was, wet and clinging to your back. You looked lifeless. He felt a lump form in his throat and tears pool in his eyes that were still not dry from all the pain this day has brought.

You didn’t notice him yet, your human ears much less sensitive than your Avatar, so you were just sitting on the riverbank with your chin resting on your knees, which were brought to your chest and your arms wrapped tightly around them. You were looking at the water, and it was like you weren’t actually there. You were in your own world, far from here, from this hurt.

“I was going to ask if it was true, what I heard Norm talk about in the tent today, but I think you’ve answered my question.”

Neteyam saw you flinch, and it felt like even that brought your weak frame pain. You were trembling when you looked at him, and your face made his own drop in shock. Your beautiful features, the blush in your cheeks, the glimmer in your eye, the pink of your lips, your animated expressions or raised eyebrows, were all gone. Your eyes looked glossed over and numb, your face looked ghostly and sunken, and Neteyam swore he could trace every blood vessel on your forehead and neck. The sight of you made whatever happiness or hope he had left dissolve and trickle down his bones, until it reached the ground where it was eventually buried, never to be seen again.

“I didn’t think I could make myself any clearer, Neteyam.”

“tell me it isn’t true. Tell me he’s lying; he’s making it up.”

“What part?”

“All of it.” Neteyam was angry now, trying to contain the temper rising in his chest.

“Tell me you’re not dying.”

“Norm has a big fucking mouth.”

“Can you for once in your fucking life just answer a question? This is fucking serious!”

You winced at his words, then struggled to get up, but did eventually and fully face him. The state of you hit him like bullets, piercing and scraping at his every organ, leaving bleeding wounds behind.

“It’s true”.

Crack, crack, crack. 

“When?”

“The night you gave me the guitar. I was so busy being in love with you I forgot to put the proper protection on, and I smashed a bottle of infected blood. It got in my mouth, in my nose.”

“I thought you were working on a cure.”

“Haven’t found it yet.”

“But you said you have something that kind of works, something to give people more time.”

“I’m human, it doesn’t work that way for us.”

“So, you’ve tried.”

You weren’t looking at him anymore, just staring at the ground in front of you, somewhere next to Neteyam’s feet.

“Tell me you have fucking tried.”

It thundered aggressively as Neteyam said that, and he saw you once again tremble at the loud sound. You have never been a jumpy person. You were the bravest person he knew. You were the strongest person he knew. It was unspeakable having to watch you now, sitting meekly in front of him, when just a few days ago you took the Iknimaya, taking the climb to the toughest tests known to the Omatikaya, doing it like it was nothing, just another day for you. To know that this is what was hiding underneath, this is what you hid from all of them, made him both impossibly miserable and strikingly enraged at the same time.

“TELL ME YOU HAVE TRIED.”

“NO, OKAY?? NO, I HAVEN’T FUCKING TRIED.” You were sobbing now, your tears washed away by the rain and wind as soon as they fell down your cheeks.

“Why?”

“Because I am tired. I want this to end.”

“I thought you were happy. I thought you were better. You seemed better in the Avatar.”

“I was better… in the Avatar. Because that wasn’t my life. That was just a beautiful dream, while my life was the never-ending nightmare. It was easy to pretend in that body. It was easy to be the version of myself everybody wanted me to be. But I have to live with the real me every night. And I don’t want to do it anymore.” The more you cried, the more Neteyam’s blood boiled in his veins.

“That’s such fucking bullshit.”

“You know what I think?”

“I think dying is fucking easy. It’s your easy way out.”

You looked up at his much larger frame incredulously, and he saw how your mood was starting to mirror his own.

“What did you just say? You think this is fucking easy for me?”

“Yes, I think it is. I think all you’ve done since your mum has died is take the easy way out. Put everything and everyone in your little bottom desk drawer, keeping everyone at a distance. Do you know how much mother and father suffered every time you refused to come out, to come to the village? My mother cried herself to sleep at the thought of you alone in that lab, at the thought that you preferred that soulless, empty place to her, to us. Did you know that?

You have not once opened that drawer, not once dealt with anything. All you do is numb yourself down, pretend you are fine and the issues you have suffered through do not exist. Well guess fucking what, Atan? They exist. And until you deal with that pain and let it pass over you and through you, you will always take the easy way out.

You have made me feel like the worst person in the world, for leaving, for lying to you. But what the fuck have you done, huh? You lied to me about dying, for weeks! About dying! What, was I supposed to find you dead one day and that was it? That was what I deserved from you, after all the blood, sweat and tears I gave you? You said I took your choice away. You wouldn’t have even given me a choice to say goodbye to the love of my life before you fucking died!

I left you for a year because I wanted to protect you, you are leaving permanently because you refuse to fucking deal with the pain and hurt I know you feel deep down inside. You had a choice. You could have come to the many people who love you, love you unconditionally, and told us, and let us in, and let us help you. You could have gotten help, taken the pills, fight your damn hardest to make this work, to find a cure, for the life your mum gave you, the life she would have to watch you throw away. You have a choice now. To want to live, to want to fight through this and come out the other side a new, better person. To let me love you, let people love you. To do the consciousness transfer and be with me, and be happy, forever. And you’re choosing this.

You are a coward.”

Neteyam turned on his heel and walked away, before he got a chance to see you collapse on the ground, giving your last few breaths in the place he used to imagine both of your children laying in his arms peacefully while you sang them to sleep.

Tag list (I hope I didn't miss anyone, thank you so much for asking to be tagged &lt;3): @nuhteyam @eywas-heir @fanboyluvr @mashiromochi @puffb4ll @sassy-persona @simp4ff @mommyneytiri @inomoikawa @jackiehollanderr @jaysarchiv3 @meivap @dakotali @hlhl99 @eskamybeloved @erenjaegerwifee @winchestertitties

[almightyellie]

butterflies

in which jake is annoying, but mostly, he's endearing.

author says kari look away, top gun content incoming :/ been a while since i wrote anything so who's to say if this is anything but it definitely exists! everyone say thank u mo for making sure this isn't the worst thing ever published <3

word count is 2.5k

title song is butterflies // kacey musgraves

jake seresin loves a challenge.

he always had; he was a competitive kid who had grown into a cutthroat man. once he set his sights on something, he didn’t know how to stop. it was an undeniable urge, an inward propulsion. he was a winner. he got what he wanted.

until you. you, so entirely unimpressed with him. he’s never met someone so unabashedly disinterested in his accomplishments; with such little experience in rejection, of course he takes it as a challenge.

you stand behind the bar, pushing out drinks and handling cash and listening to the rowdy conversation of the patrons. you’re almost busy enough to miss him making his way over to you. 

every time jake seresin steps up to your bar, you know you’re in for it. 

whether it’s a pickup line so bad that it makes you gag or a remark so smart that you might not even feel bad about cleaning his teeth off the bar, hangman has an amazing power to bring out the most visceral reactions in you. sometimes he infuriates you, but usually he’s just a slight nuisance. some nights, you even look forward jake’s teasing, not that you’d ever tell him. he certainly doesn’t need the ego boost. 

penny, for one, finds a great deal of entertainment watching seresin try and fail at flirting with you. such an accusation is silly, you always think. it was clear to anyone who watched that jake enjoyed getting under your skin, but it wasn’t flirting. no, he was just doing as he knew best: being annoying. 

even now, as he sidles up to the bar, you’re preparing yourself for whatever ridiculous thing jake was going to say next. “hi, beautiful.”

you don’t bother rolling your eyes anymore. with a quiet chuckle, you ask, “what can i get you, lieutenant?” 

“do i have my pick?”

brow arched, you put a hand on the bar. “don’t annoy me tonight, seresin.”

he beams. “darlin’, how else am i supposed to entertain myself?”

you begin grabbing his usual. he had been frequenting the bar long enough that you had his order (and all his pickup lines) memorized. “go annoy rooster,” you suggest.

“he’s not nearly as cute as you,” he drawls. 

sliding the bottle toward him on the bar, you lean in close. “go. away.”

jake throws his head back in a good-natured laugh, standing from the bar and turning around toward his buddies. you watch his retreating form, watching as he claps rooster on the shoulder and begins teasing him about his pool skills. he’s always such a charmer, whether he’s talking to you or his team. penny leans against the bar with you, nudging you with her elbow.

“he’s so cute.”

you bark out a laugh, entirely aware of the look jake sends over his shoulder, curious, and maybe a little jealous that someone else has made you laugh. “he’s a total cretin,” you respond. “but yeah, i guess he’s a little cute.”

penny giggles, shaking her head. he could get a little unbearable sometimes, but it was entirely obvious why. he was head over heels for you. penny had seen this over and over again working in the bar—and in her own relationships. there’s always some poor sap who’s too eager, too infatuated, that they’re willing to make a fool of themselves for someone else. hangman, as it it turned out, was not immune to making a fool of himself, all his charm aside. 

as much as you liked to complain, she wondered if maybe you kind of liked having his attention on you. she wouldn’t blame you if that were the case. she had enjoyed the attention of a few aviators herself. 

with a soft sigh, you stand straight. “he wearing you down yet?” penny smirks.

you reach for an empty bottle on the bar top, hiding your smile when you turn away from her. “you’d never hear the end of it from him if he had.”

there’s something in him that’s impossible to turn away from. maybe it’s the tiniest hint of southern charm, or the little glimpse at some actual humanity every once in a while, but for some reason, you can’t seem to find it in yourself to actually get annoyed with him. it doesn’t hurt that he’s not entirely unpleasant to look at. if you thought there was any weight to his advances, you might even accept, but you know hangman’s type. especially after starting at the hard deck, you’d met your fair share of charmers. 

jake watches you, ignoring the conversation happening between his friends. it was clear to everyone—including him—that he might have a little more luck with you if he weren’t so abrasive, so smug, so cocky. for now, though, he liked the game that you played. he liked the way you rolled your eyes, but sometimes couldn’t contain a tiny smile. he liked the rare laugh he managed to get out of you, and he liked that you always acted surprised at the tips he gave you. and, self-assured as he is, maybe he likes the safety of the game. if he was playing around, there was no need for you to reject him. there was no need to make it real.

it’s a truly perfect summer night. the bar is just empty enough that you and penny enjoy conversation, but the time doesn’t drag. in fact, it feels as though the night disappears through your fingers, between grabbing drinks and cleaning up after penny leaves. as the crowd begins to disperse, you glance over at the tables overrun by jake and his friends gathering their glasses and wallets.

hangman has looked better, you must admit, but he still musters a half-charming smile when he and rooster approach the bar. “have fun, boys?” you ask, hiding your smirk at jake’s normally slicked hair looking disheveled and messy.

he sits with a decisive nod. rooster claps a hand on his shoulder, sharing a knowing look with you. “keep him out of trouble for a minute, will you?”

you mock salute him. “yessir.” when rooster heads back to the table, you smile at jake. “you ready to close out your tab?”

“please,” he answers easily, voice thick. “thank you.”

“how very polite, lieutenant,” you chuckle, turning to the till.

while you’re closing out his tab, jake watches you silently. he spends a great deal of time watching you, but he’s just drunk enough to not bother to hide it. he heaves a quiet sigh, resting his chin on his folded arms, listening to your quiet humming, barely audible above the music still playing lowly.

the sight of him softens you slightly, your shoulders falling. you hate the bloom of affection in your chest, the unbearable weight of adoration that crushes you when he gives you the tiniest little smile you’ve ever seen. mindlessly, almost without realizing, you smile back.

“you’re so pretty,” he whispers, eyes heavy, and you grin with a shake of your head.

“thanks, charmer. you’re pretty, too.”

you plant your hands on the bar and he stares up at you. you’ve seen him truly drunk only a few times since the two of you met and he’s always so…pleasant. when sober, jake seresin is brash, arrogant, and more than a little obnoxious. he’s known to fan the flames of every mild annoyance until everyone around him is burning, but right now he looks like a little boy, and he’s frank like one too. it makes you wonder how he can even be the same person.

“when’re you gonna let me take you out?” he asks, and you scoff out a laugh. 

but his eyes are so serious—lit with a tiny smile, but still earnest, and you tilt you head. “seresin…”

and then rooster is right there, flanking the aviator at your bar, and you smile shakily at him. “c’mon, man. let’s get you home.”

jake turns to rooster with smug smile. “y/n and i are speaking, bradley.”

you chuckle and hand jake his card. rooster gives you a mischievous smile and then suggests, “maybe if you ask y/n really nicely, she’ll walk us out the car.”

“thanks, rooster,” you murmur, rolling your eyes jovially. you know now that jake has heard the idea, he won’t let it go, so you wipe your hands on your jeans before making your way out from behind the bar. jake leans his weight against rooster, and you fold your arms across your chest, walking steadily beside them.

rooster looks over jake’s head to sneak a peek at you. “you two were getting a little cozy at the bar.”

“oh, were we?” you asked, looking over at him. “standing five feet apart?”

he laughs. the coastal night air washes over the three of you when you open the door. “close enough for me, gorgeous,” jake butts in, and you huff out an indignant chuckle.

“i’m sure it is, big guy.”

“okay, charmer,” rooster rolls his eyes, fishing his keys out of his pocket. “get in the car.”

he opens the door for jake, who turns to look at you, his eye dropping in a slow wink, and you tamp down a smile; it’s so typical of jake to still be flirting when he can’t keep his eyes straight, and even still, it’s near impossible to resist. “get in the car, seresin.”

“i’ll see you soon.”

rooster barks out a laugh and forces jake in the car himself, closing the door on him after a stern insistence to put on his seatbelt. “you’ve got to get sick of him.”

you watch jake fumble with his seatbelt through the window, and you smirk softly. “it’s kind of cute.” rooster gapes at you, and you feel your ears heat, pushing his chest gently. “shut up.”

“i’m just…surprised,” he responds, affable. “good surprised. i think you two would be great together.”

your eyes dance with mirth at rooster and you offer a shake of your head. “really?”

he shrugs. “you know how he is when it comes to you.”

did you? you thought you had, but you’ve begun to second-guess your first judgment on hangman. the idea of all of jake’s teasing coming from a place of honesty makes your heart beat just a touch faster, makes you look at him a little softer. makes you feel a little sweeter. “yeah,” you whisper, staring past rooster to look into the bronco. you don’t know, but you think you’re beginning to.

the case of smirnoff is too heavy for you to carry on your own, and penny knows this; every shipment day is free entertainment for her, watching you struggle to carry cases inside until she finally grants you with her help. you hear the back door swing open behind you and you huff, the summer air making the back of your neck sticky. “uncle, penny, uncle. i’m giving up.”

“so easy?”

you shriek in surprise, spinning around to look at jake. he laughs, tucking a free hand in his pocket. “jesus, jake.”

your eyes zero in on the small bouquet of flowers in his hand when he says, “i’m sorry, sweetheart. i really didn’t mean to startle you.”

“s’okay,” you exhale sharply, squinting under the sun. 

he nods at the case. “y’want some help with that?”

you grunt, kicking the case gently. “no, but it’s sweet of you to offer.” his pleased little smile makes your physical struggle and embarrassment worth it. “what’re you doing here? you’re about—” you facetiously look at your watch and jake smirks, raising a brow. “six hours early.”

flowers rustle in his hand as he takes a few tentative steps toward you. “rooster told me i was a little unbearable last night,” he admits, smiling softly at you. “i wanted to apologize if i came on too strong. or made you uncomfortable in any way.”

you smile at him, unable to tear your eyes from his. “i think we both know that you’re in the business of coming on too strong.” you accept the flowers when he holds them out to you, your stomach flipping when he gives you a grin so pretty that you have to look away. “but thank you. i really appreciate the gesture.”

jake nods once, sticking his other hand in his pocket, and all of a sudden you’re feeling shy. you know now that this, whatever he’s doing, is real. if teasing was all it was, there wouldn’t be flowers in your hand. jake wouldn’t be standing in front of you, clean-cut despite his almost guaranteed hangover. you feel a rush of adoration, a feeling you’re becoming increasingly familiar with.

“well, i guess i’ll let you—“

“hey, can i ask you something?” you ask, cutting him off. he raises a brow, urging you to continue, and you purse your lips for a moment. “why do you do that? flirt with me like that?”

he stares at you in surprise for a moment, his mouth opening and closing before he finally settles on, “you really don’t know?”

and you suspect you already know the answer, but it’s easier—and less dangerous—to play coy, so you return, “know what?”

jake says your name so softly, like it’s sacred. “because—because i like you.” 

and it’s juvenile. it’s so silly, how such simple words make your entire body burn, but you can’t find it in yourself to care. you can’t even find it in yourself to suppress the smile that splits your face. “oh.”

he chuckles, tilting his head just slightly in surprise. “you really didn’t know?”

“i thought you were just…like that,” you admit, shoulder lifting in a tiny shrug. he throws his head back in a loud laugh, hand pressing against his abdomen. 

“sweetheart, you are so clueless.”

yes, you are. you really are, but you don’t mind one bit, because the way he looks at you, a soft mixture of wonder and pure affection. that look is going to be burned into your subconscious for the rest of your life. in fifty years, you’ll pull this memory out on a cold day and you’ll remember how the sun beating down on you still wasn’t as warm as the look he gave you. you’ll remember it perfectly.

“if you like me so much, why haven’t you asked me out?” you ask quietly, and he purses his lips.

“do you want me to?”

you hadn’t, not before. not really. but now it seems like a foolish question for him to ask. can’t he see you? the way you look at him?

“do you want to?”

jake rolls his eyes and wraps an arm around your waist. “clueless, sugar.” and then he’s kissing you, one hand on your waist and the other cupping your cheek. you melt into him, entirely consumed by jake seresin. it’s so perfectly natural, the way you lean into him, the way he smiles against your mouth, the way you wrap an arm around his shoulders. 

and the rest is history, he always says, but you think that’s too clean. too brief. 

you like the long version better.

[writermuses]

Whether Raleigh meant to draw a visceral reaction from Lale with his sharp tone, it had happened anyways. Lale paled, snapping her arms around her middle. It had been quite some time since her father had passed away and she hadn't missed the man that had caused her hearing loss. Her mother and step-family tore her apart in other ways. Since settling in to Boston, working at the library, her quiet life hadn't hadn't had as many snapping moments of terror and she'd even stopped flinching at a clattering of books. "I know," Lale started, hardly above a whisper, "I know I owed you more than a conversation. We were so young, Raleigh. I was scared..." She was still scared, possibly more than ever before. "And a coward. Not telling you, disappearing... it wasn't fair, I'm sorry."

She quieted, not expecting him to say anything else about the past, both of them aware that an apology wasn't enough nor would it change the current circumstances. "The surgery is in the morning. With how fast tumors can grow in kids, they do scans all the time but warned me there could be more by the time of the surgery. They're going to remove one kidney and go from there. If it's spread they'll let us know while they're in surgery. They said they might have to do a partial removal and reconstruction of the other if there is more cancer there." She leaned over the screen a little stopping at the words partial nephrectomy. "That's what that's talking about. After they see what's going on they'll decide on chemo which would attack cells all over her body or radiation which would be lasers or whatever to her lower stomach... umm, localized. Then she can be on a waitlist for a kidney transplant. She might need to be on dialysis, but they said not to worry about that until after the surgery."

"I'm not in a place to say no to help. I just... I can figure it out. You don't have to feel obligated." Lale had done everything she could to make ends meet before their daughter was sick. Now she had donated plasma, would give Lily her own kidney if she could. Debt was simply something Lale had to live with for the sake of Lily getting whatever she needed to heal. "The surgery is scheduled for six in the morning. They pushed it back so that they could rest after another surgery they'd had today. I don't think they'll push it back again."

"She couldn't have made you get an abortion if you had come to me instead." His voice is sharp, words rushing forward without thought, and even through the cloud of hurt shrouding his thoughts, he realizes that it isn't fair. The relationship she has with her family is complicated, and that is a pain he knows too well. "It was worth a conversation with me." When she turns away, it is easier for him to find her eyes. That way, she can't catch any other emotion that flashes over his expression--specifically the longing that is entwined with his hurt. Having no closure made it hard to move on, and having walked back into Lale's life without warning means he certainly wasn't prepared for the surge of emotion that has enveloped him since this morning.

Her phone is accepted without question, hands wrapping around the worn case and his pointer finger running along the edge of the sticker. Both are noted without mention as his attention comes to the cracked screen and the information communicated beyond it. "You didn't chase me down at all," he says. "And I haven't done anything. She's my daughter, too." The words are foreign on his tongue, but he sits taller.

There is more silence as he scrolls through each document, attempting to take in as much information as he understands. In reality, each one leaves him with more questions and by the end, he doesn't know where to start. It is all big dollar amounts and medical talk and diagrams and risks and treatment options-- "What... does all of this mean?" He is slow to look up. The phone is not yet handed over. "This is a lot of money, Lale." For anyone. He is lucky enough to have the resources to make it work, including the best insurance the league's money can buy, but even putting the cost aside, the emotional drain that Lale has had to deal with on her own is obvious in her heavy shoulders, her rushed words. "I see... what you've done for her, but I need you to let me help with this. Please. What is the plan? What is the surgery tomorrow going to do?"