#i get so angry but i dont sh anymore

[adventuringblind]

If you’re still taking requests, can you please write a wolff!reader x charles leclerc fic? And they’re secretly engaged and in love and toto finds out and he doesn’t want them together and tries to break them up. Maybe they break up for toto and then he sees how sad they are w/o each other and how happy they were together? Angst to fluff and happy ending please 😭💕💕 Tysmmm i love your work sm

Romeo and Juliet

Charles Leclerc X Wolff!Reader

Genre: ANGST lots of it but a happy fluffy ending

Request: yes, and forbidden love? Yes please! Sorry if this is darker then you were thinking… I got a little carried away 😅. I am open for requests! Mainly for Max, Charles, Oscar, Lando, Daniel, and George.

Summary: Reader and Charles are in love. Unfortunately for them, Toto is determined to keep them apart.

Warnings: Angry Toto, sad reader, Charles trying to problem solve. MENTIONS OF SH but not description of it, MENTIONS OF SUICIDAL IDEATION but again nothing descriptive, bullying and toxic media.

Notes: written in third person. Please like, comment, and reblog. I like to hear from y'all. It makes me feel like a celebrity 🥹.

Also, I've sent up my account to let tips be enabled. I was debating whether or not to say this because i dont want to sound like im begging, but frankly, people opinions do not matter me me. If you like my writing and want to support me, please consider tipping my posts or my blog. I put a lot of effort into my writing, and it would mean the world to me. Obviously, I won't have my feelings hurt if you ignor this, but I wanted to put it out there.

Masterlist

She’d never been quite sure how it happened. How she managed to find her soulmate. The two are meant for each other. The only downside is that she is living a Romeo and Juliet parody.

Being a Wolff meant spending majority of her time around the race track or at the factory. From the time she was little, she was following her dad around.

Toto never had any hard and fast rules regarding being friends with people from other teams. He couldn’t stop her from being friends with those she spent majority of her time around. He did, however, have rules about dating. Mainly not to date a driver and if she was then he would allow a Mercedes driver.

So her options were Lewis and George. She liked both, but not in any romantic way. They are her brothers. She annoys them and them tease her and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

Her and Charles had been friends since he first started with AlfaRomeo. The two clicked instantly and talked constantly. She was the first person he looked for after a good race or a bad one. He was her everything and she was his.

Four years later they started dating. Secretly, of course, because she didn’t want her dad smashing anymore headphones. They made it work and were willing to do what it took.

It helped that she already lived in Monaco since that’s where majority of her friends lived. It made sense why they would ‘run into each other’ so often since they live in a small place.

George found out by accident right before a race. He’d found her phone in the ground. It had fallen out of her pocket and she’d not noticed. When she had noted it’s disappearance, she tried to locate it by calling it with Charles phone.

George took one look at the caller ID and knew. The less then friendly contact name, mix of heart emoji’s, and Charles contact photo gave it away. He answered anyways. If Charles knew where she was then at least he could give her phone back.

“Hello, this is George.” He only got silence in return. “Hello…?”

“Please tell me you didn’t see the called name.” Came her voice from the other end. The desperation in your voice making him chuckle. He was never going to let her live this down.

“Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. Now can you please come get your phone.”

The two lovebirds were able to make more things work after. Being able to have George cover form them helped immensely. Dates became more frequent. Places they wouldn’t normally go were suddenly a possibility.

Lewis caught on eventually. He saw right past the sheepish smiles of George and Y/N. While she was sneaking back in the garage through George’s driver room.

Between George and Lewis the teasing only escalated, but the two of them were the best possible wingmen she could have asked for. They managed to distract her father away when she was cutting things close.

It didn’t last forever though. The ending of Romeo and Juliet isn’t a happy one.

Someone had managed to take a picture of them kissing. It was a cute picture. Charles kissing her on what was supposed to be a private beach during the sunset. A picture that she woke up to circling the medial faster that the cars on race day.

Charles woke up to her rapid breathing. Her phone lighting up the dark room with constant notifications. Charles wrapped his arms around her. “It’s alright amour. We’ll figure this out on day at a time.

Things were weird after that. She clung to Charles as she was ripped to shred by the media, the fans, and her father.

She was being called a traitor to her fathers team. Her father had labeled her disrespectful. It was an utter nightmare.

The two Mercedes boys stood protectively behind her. Toto’s voice getting louder by the second. She was still sitting in the chair opposite his. Her eyes downcast to the lightly colored desk.

“I don’t understand why you chose him. A rival team! How do I know your not telling him everything about our operations?” Toto’s voice was laced with venom. This arms waving around to exaggerate his point.

“Because I love him. And I would never do that to you.” She wanted to stay strong, but the tears were threatening to spill over.

“I don’t want to see you back here until you two are broken up.” He turned his back to her.

She quickly exited, George following close behind her. Lewis remained in the office.

“I think you’re being too hard on her.” Lewis pointed out. Still leaning in the wall close to the door. His arms crossed over his chest, staring at the team principal he holds immense respect for.

“Aren’t you concerned at all?”

“No, she loves her family to much to do anything like that.” Then he left. Finding the girl he considered his sister clinging to George’s shirt.

Both of them had seen the comments. Both had been asked about it during interviews. Both had told their fans to leave her alone. It hurt both of them to see how people were treating her. The names they felt no remorse for spewing. It made them sick.

Charles’ fans were not any better. He hated seeing them tell her nasty things. Spreading rumors they knew nothing about.

He’d tried reassuring her constantly that she is his everything, but he knew she was losing her family. The last thing he wanted to happen. He wanted to protect her from this. Guilt wracking his body because he felt powerless to do anything.

When he found her that day, sobs wracking her body as she went to find him, he knew how he could help her. The last option either of them wanted.

“I love you so much.” He said, cupping her cheek gently, letting the tears roll down his cheeks and attempting to wipe away hers. “But I don’t want you to lose your family because of me.”

Charles called George that day to tell him want he was going to do. George having understood his actions and promised to be there for her. So when the broken girl showed up at his house that night, eyes red and puffy, he’d already been ready for her. Carmen making sure that she had extra clothes for her in case she ended up staying awhile.

Charles’ next stop was to see Toto. The older man hardly sparing him a glance as he walked into the office. “I’m sorry for any inconvenience I may have caused you.” He started. Toto still faced the wall, refusing to look at him. Something Charles was grateful for. “Me and your daughter have parted ways. So, I’ll hope you’ll allow her to stay with her family. Neither of us wanted things to happen this way. But I’d rather lose her then watch her lose everything she’s grown up with and worked for.”

Charles waited a moment to see if he’d get a response before turning around and ducking out of the office.

He stayed with Pierre that night. Broken and defeated. His heart heavy with the sadness and longing to be with the woman he loved so dearly.

The media didn’t stop though. The news around them still trending. People still feeling the need to voice their disgusting comments.

Toto had tried to connect with his daughter, but received no response. In fact, nobody had. She hadn’t been to a race in months. Both George and Lewis had tried calling and texting her only to receive nothing in return. She hadn’t even read their messages.

Charles was hurting as well. He didn’t want to cause her anymore pain. So he distanced himself from everything that related to her. Carlos and Pierre had been watching his behavior. His head clearly not in a good place mentally. They were running out of ideas in how to help him.

Lewis was the one who caved first. He’d given her enough space, now it was time to invade it. He dragged George with him to her apartment in Monaco one morning. Determined to see proof that she was at least breathing.

When they got no answer, they searched for the spare key. The one she hid in the light above her front door. Relief flooding them both as George managed to locate it.

When they finally got the door open, they were greeted with the dark apartment. It looked like no one lived there. The fridge was empty and the cupboards almost mirrored it, aside from the open box of your favorite cereal.

There was broken glass along the counters and floor. Pictures had been taken off the walls. A few empty bottles of alcohol lay strewn along flat surfaces.

The woman they’d been looking for was wrapped in a blanket on the couch. Her chest slowly rising and falling.

George went to gently try and pull her from her sleep without scaring her.

Lewis on the other hand, went to investigate the rest of the rooms. Terrified at what he’d discovered.

He lightly jogged back to George, who didn’t want to pull her from her peaceful slumber, and tapped his shoulder. Motioning for the younger Brit to follow him.

Their first stop was the bedroom. Everything that reminded her of Charles had been stripped away. leaving only the mattress in the center of the room. The long mirror hanging next to the closet had been shattered. The glass that had fallen out of it scattered around the base word they’d seen people calling her written in thick black marker now divided by cracks.

Next, Lewis led them to the bathroom. The sight of it making George want to vomit. The bathroom mirror had also been cracked. Towels stained red line the countertop. Pills litter the bathroom floor. And the knife she’d been gifted by her father for her 18th birthday lay on the edge of the sink. 

Who is obviously what had happened here recently.

George who was struggling to look at the scene went back to trying to coax the woman, his sister, out of her slumber. Lewis making an attempt to at lease get the area safe. Their hearts hurt for her. They knew she was hurting but neither knew it had gotten so bad.

Charles was her soulmate. Both her and Charles knew it. They had envisioned their life together. A life that she saw every time she closed her eyes.

She tried to separate herself from his memory. Tried to distract herself. But she couldn’t get her mind away from him. How he made her smile. How he listened even to the pettiest things she complained about. She wanted that back.

If her family didn’t want her for it and Charles couldn’t stand to see her hurting, then she would get back there on her own.

If their story was like Romeo and Juliet’s, why shouldn’t it end in tragedy as well?

But their story keeps going. Because they are meant for each other. So they will find away even if they don’t know it yet.

The gentle touches of Charles ghosted over her bare arms. Her mind trying to hold into the feeling even if he wasn’t here.

She cracked her eyes open to the dark room. Her body revolting as she tries to sit up. Her dehydration finally getting to her. Her head pounding from last night events.

She’s had a few episodes like this and knows she needs to get help. She doesn’t know where to start though.

She hadn’t really eaten much the last sixth months. Even food reminded her of him. How was she ever going to move in at this rate?

Then she noticed the sounds of breathing beside her. The familiar face of George greeting her, though his eyes are sad.

She immediately sits up. The horrible scene that is her apartment now clearly seen by one of the last people she wanted to know she’d sunk this far.

“George?” Her voice merely a quiet rasp.

“It’s okay now, we’re gonna help you. Okay?” His voice cracked. The male is clear distress.

Lewis came around the corner upon hearing voices. Relieved that she’d woken up. “I think we need to talk.”

~

Charles hadn’t been staying at his apartment. He knew he wasn’t in a good place mentally, so he went back home. His mother welcomed him with open arms, sad to hear the news of the two splitting.

He’d talked to Lewis and George about her during race weekends. Their lack of knowledge causing his concern to grow more with each passing week.

He’d tried for sixth months to force himself to move on but he knew it was in vain. She was made for him and he belonged to her. How was he supposed to move on from that?

Pascale had struggled watching her middle child. He struggled to eat, struggled to sleep, to the point it was affecting his performance.

“You should talk to her.” She suggested.

“I’ll only hurt her more.”

“I’ve been looking in social media for her. The things people are saying is terrible.” She sighs, the situation itself only getting worse. “She needs you.”

~

Toto knew he messed up. As soon as he’d made her choose, he knew. Only to have it confirmed when he heard the waver in Charles voice. When he didn’t see his daughter for moths. As he watched Charles performance fall.

He’d tried to contact her. Susie had encouraged him to call her the night everything happened. He’d received no response for sixth months. He’d asked Lewis about her only to be met with his sigh and sad eyes.

It’s like she disappeared from the planet. Everyone worried about her. But they collectively decided that maybe she needed space.

He knew she and Charles were happy together. He’d seen how big her smile was when she was with him. Even when he thought they were just friends. The two of them had been contagiously happy.

~

The next race came around quickly. At least for Charles that’s how it felt as he strode to the Mercedes paddock.

He spotted Lewis and George and weaved his way towards them. Everyone trying to get one roared for the weekend. Exactly what he should be doing.

“Charles! Listen mate-“ George had started. But Charles cut him off with the urgent need to speak with Toto before he could get in his head. “I need Toto. I need to see her again.” He was ready to break.

“He’s in his office.”

Charles didn’t waist any time making his way there. The older man a bit startled at the sudden appearance. “I love your daughter. I am begging you to not make her choose.” He was pleading but he didn’t care.

“I’m sorry.” Toto looked pained. Charles is taken off guard by it. His reaction the last thing the monegasque was expecting. “I should have never made her choose. She was happy with you. So when you go get her back, tell her I’m sorry and that I want her to come home.”

Charles fumbled around with his words. Gesturing wildly with his hands but for some reason his voice was stuck in his throat. Eventually he just nodded his head, attempting to get across his thanks.

Lewis and George were still talking. So he did the only logical thing and tackled then both in a hug. “I need to know where she is. He’s not going to make her choose.” The smile on his face so big it might fall off. “Please tell me where she’s been staying.”

Lewis and George shared a look. One that didn’t go unnoticed. “We need to talk.”

~

They’d told him about her state. About what she’d been going through. How they found her that morning, alone and so far into her head they didn’t know if she was going to come out.

His heart shattered listening to them. The two were connected deeper then anything he could’ve imagined. He’s upset that he didn’t get the courage to fight for her sooner.

She’d been spending her time since they found her with either if the boys. Neither wanted to leave her alone after that. So they made sure she wasn’t alone after that.

Her apartment was still mildly wrecked but they weren’t worried about it. They just wanted to get her out of her head.

Now he had a chance. They had brought her with them. She didn’t want to come to the track so she was back at the hotel. Tucked away from the world.

Now Charles was speeding to her location. Lewis’ key card in hand. Determination filling his veins. He needed to see her, desperately. His heart ached the last six months. He didn’t want to never see her again. Charles loved her with his entire being.

The trip was a blur for him. Not even realizing he was at the door until he had no more steps left to take.

He decided to knock first. He wanted to be respectful. He’d use the key as his last resort.

He got nervous when the handle turned. What was he going to say? He didn’t have time to think about it as the door swung open. Revealing the love of his life. Still as beautiful as when he last saw her. Though his heart dropped at the sight.

Bags under eyes, her body smaller then he remembered. Then there was the white bandages running up her arms. She was wearing a tank top and sweats, obviously not expecting him to show up.

They stared at each other for a moment. Then the tears started. She was in his arms in a second. Clutching him like he would disappear if she let go.

He breathed her in. “I’m here, I got you, and I’m never letting you go again.”

[neuvisex]

Hiyaaa, i have a request but it may be triggering so if you dont feel comfy writing it, please let me know and i'll completely understand <3

If possible, may i requests scaramouche x reader who's um..like..struggling? with uhm..suicidal..like..this is hard to say but like. struggling with self harm..??? uhm. like cvtt1ng on their arms and thighs and they have alot of scars from it too and he finds out? fluffy ending..?? sorry..

im going through alot so uhm. yeah. but once again-! totally okay if you dont feel comfy writing it-!! i dont want you to feel like im guilt tripping you or anything too!! its all your decision <3

But anyways, Lots of love!! 🐈‍⬛💜 have an amazing day/night!!

♣︎ Immortality ♣︎

You find yourself facing a dead end, and the one to help you out is none less than the last person you expected.

TWs: self-harm, suicidal thoughts, mild gore, unhealthy behaviors

Tags: angst, hurt/comfort, gn!reader

Summary: Scaramouche finds out reader is struggling with their own self.

A/N: I too struggle with SH, so this was kind of self-indulgent... I don't know if it's fluffy enough by the ending but, well, at least it's not tragic either...

Blood. Your house is filled with a hideous, stale odor that spreads through the walls and shakes the core of the structure. As soon as Scaramouche senses it, his heart begins to race in anguish. No, no, please, not blood. He runs across the room with his legs wobbly, your name leaving his mouth in stuttering words.

— Y/N? Y/N, where the fuck are you?!

When he gets to the bathroom door, his body freezes. Scaramouche falls to his knees in front of your haggard body leaning on the bathtub, his hands trembling in a loss of what to do. For the first time in a long while, he feels genuine fear. Your arms are dyed a terrifyingly familiar dark red, a discarded blade in the puddle that spreads, smearing the floor. The two of you stare at each other for what seems like ages, his desperate eyes meeting your downcast ones.

— Please stay with me. Come on, stay with me.

You open your dry lips to say that everything is fine. That this is just a habit, something you do to ease the pain inside.

— What…?

Scaramouche is useless. How had he not noticed before? Your clothes always long, covering your arms and legs. Your distant, sometimes even evasive, behavior. Your fake smiles, while your eyes were filled with suffering. He should have guessed earlier. Before you had done it again.

— Y/N, I… calm down, I’ll help you… I’ll help you…

The boy's voice cracks as tears roll down his cheeks. He rips off a piece of his own robes and uses it to stop the liquid seeping through your skin, pressing firmly against it. When you ask why he's doing this for you, Scaramouche falls silent. Indeed, why? Why is he, who had renounced human emotions a long time ago, lying at your feet, begging you not to leave him?

— …please don't do that anymore. Please. — he repeats like a prayer.

**

Night falls quickly. You lie on your bed with your arms bandaged as the blue-haired puppet watches you intently, his features puffy and reddened.

— Are you angry? — You ask shyly.

Scaramouche looks like he can't believe what he's hearing. Now that both of you are more stable, he lets out an emotionless laugh.

— I'm not…I'm just wondering…why? Why mistreat your own body? Why didn't you ever tell me? Why did you…

Your hands find his in an act of consolation. He seems reluctant at first, but eventually relents and relaxes under your touch.

— Listen, I… I'm not exactly the best person to talk about self-love, but you, I mean… yeah, life sucks most of the time, I won't deny it, but you're a valuable person. And if you don't see it yet, one day you might. While you are in this process… count on me. Take it out on me, lean on me, cry with me. Just don't do that to yourself anymore, okay?

[bunny-heels]

giant vent post.

i think ive reached an actual breaking point. i havent had a breakdown this bad in such a long time and it stills feels horrible now as it did back then. i cant really think properly, not straight at least anyway. im going to ramble on and probably have a really hard time connecting everything together. but whatever.

at some point in my teens i developed a hyper self awareness. i would have that part of my brain that always thought rationally, like it was made up of a court of people or was some sort of other entity entirely. its always aware of what i was doing, if im doing something stupid, out of anger, irrational, selfish. its the "adult" part. it knows better than me, it knows right from wrong. and its not even like a "voice in the back of my head" or anything. its a very vocal and very upfront part of my brain thats there all the time. and it still is as im writing this. its never left.

my self awareness is really, really strong. it is pretty much my personal therapist. i think ive been through so much mental trauma in my life that my brain has just developed this as a safety net or firewall or whatever. and i mean it works a lot. only time it doesnt is when im really really depressed. like close to actually self harming or making a plan to kill myself levels.

i remember when i tried self-harming once, using really shitty dull scissors. that self-aware part of my brain was there the whole time, kept telling me this was a bad idea, there was no point in doing it and it would only hurt me and my loved ones if i succeeded in actually causing damage. i heard it the entire time. but i still went through with it and tried so hard to get through my own skin. i couldnt and i finally gave into the self aware and realized i shouldve listened to it sooner cause yeah, its not worth it to hurt myself just to regret it later.

my self awareness knew better like it always does. and like i said, its basically my therapist now. i barely even vent anymore because of it. i used to vent and rant a lot. i did it weekly pretty much because i had my little spaces where i thought i could let my emotions out and then i'd be able to go along with my day. then i had a friend of mine be passive aggressive towards me once because i guess they finally got sick of seeing of my rants on their timeline. and even my own mom told me i shouldnt be talking and showing my sensitive side so much online. then my stupid autism mistook someones joke for being real and i got so embarrassed i tried my best to seem like i was talking about someone else. and then i made friends with people where all they would do is rant and vent and rant and vent and rant and vent. and i got so, so tired of it to the point where i wanted to try everything i can to not be like them.

after that i barely ever ranted or vented again and only did it on very very very few occasions and only in places my friends could see. but every time i felt my emotions grow, my self aware side will just come in and be rational.

"dont think much about what these people online are doing, you know theyre just hateful and spiteful. theres no point in wasting your thoughts and emotions on them. do something you like instead."

"yeah the world is horrible right now. there are children dying and families being torn apart and innocent people being put through torture. and you feel guilty that you cant help them or that you dont deserve to be sad because youre not the one going through it. but its okay to be sad about people you dont know or how bad the world gets, and you dont need to justify your sadness. you know its different for everyone."

"you're reasonably upset about this thing, youre getting angry and there being no progress made is just making your mood worse. but font blow up. you know better than to yell at the people who dont and you dont want it to seem like youre annoyed with them or that you dont care. anger doesnt solve anything. you need patience and to be understanding. you shouldnt act extreme unless the situation really calls for it. then its justified."

if i have an urge to vent, i'll vent to my self awareness. if i get angry, my self awareness will calm me down. if i'm confused, my self awareness will look at everything it can. if i'm doing something i shouldn't, my self awareness lets me know. if i get bad impulses, my self awareness keeps me under control. my self awareness knows best. its the better half of me. its the part of me that i wish i could fully be 24/7. but i just cant.

and to be honest, my self awareness is also my enemy.

"i know you feel like venting but, look at all the problems these other people have. you dont need to talk about your problems with anyone. just use your brain and you'll be fine."

"theres already someone in this group that brings the mood down all the time. they talk negative about themselves and their life. you already feel bad for not being able to do anything. why add on to the list of people who cry and complain? you cant take care of your own issues just fine."

"is this the best time to be going to this person to vent and rant? i mean you have no idea what theyre doing right now. they could be busy, they could be in a good mood and you dont wanna bring them down. what if they dont even want to hear about your problems right now? its best if you just figure it out yourself for now. youre smart, you dont need other people when you already know what to do."

i remember in late elementary and during my whole middle school years, my mental health was the lowest its ever been. during middle school, almost every day was the same. i'd have an okay or mediocre time at school, i'd come home, feel relief for a bit and maybe hang out with friends, then all the sudden this wave of sadness flowed through me. it would hit hard and all at one. i would always have to get away from my computer, climb into bed, and cry. sometimes it was over something that happened at school, sometimes over something online, sometimes something at home, and sometimes for no reason. but it would always happen. no matter what.

i isolated myself when i cried. i hated people seeing or hearing me cry or tear up. i would get made fun of for crying in elementary school, whether if it was from bullying or having issues with class or the teacher. i was and am still really really sensitive. and i was always treated terribly every time i showed it. so when i got emotional or upset, i hid myself away. no one gets bothered by me and i get bothered by no one. eventually after learning some things about psychology and getting a bit of therapy, my brain trained on that and i learned to deal with my emotions all by myself. i didnt need to talk to anyone anymore, no more making someone feel bad or having my problems be ignored or getting made fun of for my emotions. from now on all my problems stayed my problems.

but i dont know how long i can keep going like this. i can rationalize a situation, i can regulate my emotions, i can do things at my own pace and never have to worry about burdening someone or myself ever again. im doing it all myself. im doing it alone.

i dont want to do it alone anymore.

i want to talk to people about my problems again. i want to rant and vent and ramble and scream about things that piss me off and make me upset. i wanna yell while i rant to my friends about something that made me angry. i wanna vent about having a shitty day. i wanna be able to message a friend and tell them i feel like shit. i wanna be able to call a friend while crying and saying that i wish things were better. i wanna be able to talk about how much the world sucks. i wanna have moments where i talk shit about myself, talk about how im a miserable piece of shit and that i dont deserve to be loved and cared for. i dont deserve friends or family, i dont deserve nice things, i dont deserve to have fun, or have medicine, or have people listen to me, or care about me. i wanna scream that i dont matter and that no one cares about me.

and all i want after that is just someone to hug me.

i dont want to hear rational explanations about the world, or about how life and feelings work, or how the human brain works, or how fair and unfair things can be. i dont want cold hard truth. i dont want blunt. my brain already does it for me. i know im being irrational, i know im just upset, i know im just depressed, i knows things are unpredictable and that life isnt a straight path and that not everything is simple and things cant be fixed that easily and that theres always gonna be hard moments and i just have to accept it. i know. i know i know i know.

just please. i just want a moment to he comforted.

i want someone to listen. i want someone to sit there in silence as they hear my begs and pleads. i want them to not say anything as i scream about how terrible everything is. i want them quiet as i complain that life is awful and things should be easier. i dont want them to interrupt while i talk shitty about myself and call myself a horrible person. i dont want them to talk. i want them to listen. i want them to hear me when i cry and listen when i go on and on and on.

and when im finally finished speaking, and im gasping for air as my throat is all raspy from how much and how high ive spoken, and my face is red and i have a massive headache and my eyes and cheeks are soaked in tears and my whole body hurts, i just want them to get up, be right in front or next to me, and hug me.

i want them to wrap their arms around me and squeeze me tight against them. for them to put their hand on the back of my head and on my mid back and stroke both of them. for them to put my face in the croak of their neck. and to just hear them breath and whisper

"its okay. everything will be okay."

and i'll cry again. i'll cry so hard my whole face will hurt. my eyes will be bloodshot, my face is hot and bright red, my nose is snotty and runny, my whole body is tired, i look like a disheveled mess. and i'll cry into their neck. i'll let it all out.

and i want them to be okay with that. i want them to let me let go. i want them to let me have my moment of breaking down. and when im tired from it all, i want them to soothe me and tell me that everything will be okay. that im not a bad person, that im not ugly, that its okay that im sensitive, that im not a burden, that i deserve to be loved and cared for, that its okay for me to cry, its okay for me to have these moments of weakness, that im not alone, that its okay for me to let it out.

that i dont have to care of myself anymore and theyll be there for me no matter what.

i'll have them and they'll have me.

but even now when im getting close to finishing this, feeling like i finally have let myself have a moment of vulnerability.

that voice comes back, it creeps in at the last few words.

"you do have people that care about you. of course theyre there for you. you know you have people that care. dont pretend they dont exist."

they do exist.

i know they exist.

but

what if theyre busy.

[fightclubgayporn]

do you have anything like a doc of information abt sdau? i think it looks really interesting and id love to know more about it + the characters :D

OH ANON YOURE SO SWEET. tbqh i should make one. but context is it was made as a collaborative effort between me and my friends like. 2.5 years ago so its not just my baby. but i really do want to get like. the basics at LEAST down so that people understand the vague plot/vibes.

tl;dr? a bunch of superpowered young adults are just so bad at having interpersonal relationships (more detailed but still basic vers under the cut)

(ps: ive written some stuff about these guys! a lot of its on my ao3, noalarmz! fair warning some of it sucks. i also wrote rubbing alcohol for a creative writing project, and i think it fucks. alcoholism tw)

the characters: (ica)rus: has wings that can burst into flame, but its not like something he can. turn off. so its basically a self-destruct button. strict moral compass, wants to stop vernon, acts as a kind of "hero" for the city. very self-destructive in their pursuit of justice, and overly self-sacrificial (vernon thinks he's selfish for this. it's a whole thing.) vernon valentine: has sound manipulation powers, also deer antlers. dead set on killing narrator and replacing her. very fucked up from his ex girlfriend (who they killed. um) and projects a lot of that + their need for control onto kan. basically he's a very awful toxic friend and also causes problems around the city to get narrator's attention narrator: a very, very old, near all powerful person, but nonetheless, she is still human. her power is complete matter manipulation, meaning she can regenerate her body, being functionally immortal. shes mega op, but she Isn't Actually a god (vernon thinks she is though) she has absorbed a intangible Presence into her mind known as Underscore, which is basically omniscience itself. it fucks her up a little bit. líf erling: a time traveler who travels non-linearly through narrator's timeline. they have a very tragic romance together, due to the fact that when underscore enters narrator's mind, she becomes aware of her own death, which puts um. a strain. on the relationship. kan komarov: he has telekinesis on any non-sentient objects, barring himself! he has. attachment issues. and latches onto vernon HARDSTYLE. is it platonic? is it romantic? is it sexual? you decide. he would basically do anything for them and is fully committed to his plan to kill narrator. kris(ten) clark: a childhood friend of kan's! her power is that she can create purple crystals from the palm of her hand but they do not have good control over it so. oops they did crystallize their friends arm once. which weighs on her. she really cares about kan, so is willing to tolerate vernon, but eventually they just cant take it anymore and leave. better at escaping the cycle than kan is printz o'harte: rus's closest friend. he has emotional telepathy, meaning he can sense everyone's emotions At All Times. which is um. a tad overwhelming. he builds robots to help rus. oops looks like kan has a crush on him (much less intense than his. Emotions for vernon but yk hes got a lil crush <3) he also has been in communication with narrator, because they understand the whole. my mind is loud all the time thing cato crux: she had electric powers! note the past tense because she is DEAD!! she's vernons aforementioned ex, and while they were together, they worked together, trying to take down narrator (kan is kind of her replacement) but uh. then narrator decided to contact cato. and cato realized that she wasnt a god. and vernon, feeling betrayed and hurt and angry, uh. killed her ass. sad! eve singh: stretchy limbs. childhood friends with kan and kris. she and kan were roommates for awhile, until kan met vernon and drifted away from her. she still resents him for this. cherry sinclair: childhood friends with eve, kan, and kris. they're the friend who lost their arm to kris. they dont blame her, but she sure blames herself. they have control over metal, which is helpful in making their own prosthetics.

oh man thats already so much. heres the basic plot beats though

rivalry between rus and vernon established, they clash

during a confrontation, kan becomes interested in printz

kris realizes how Awful her situation is, and that kan has begun to be terrible also, runs away

kan goes into a MAJOR DEPRESSION even more reliant on vernon now, his interest in printz increases cause he wants to replace kris

printz entertains this on rus's advice, so that he could collect information on vernon through kan. this works.

kan is heartbroken AGAIN. sad.

he goes into a manic episode and burns down his old elementary school (it was abandoned but still)

the climax. kan and kris reunite, he apologizes and starts to realize the hold vernon has on him (still loyal tho)

vernon thinks theyre being betrayed again and goes to attack kan

sensing this, printz stops him, giving rus a chance to swoop in snatch vernon into the air.

they decide to sacrifice themself, and his wings burst into flame, killing both himself and vernon.

somewhere in there, narrator also dies i forgot how i gotta ask eloise (she made narrator)

heres where the timeline diverges a little? but in the Good Ending kan and kris are able to heal from their fuckups and become normal friends again, and kan and printz are able to explore the idea of a relationship outside of the confines of their established roles

in the other, kan is so devestated from vernon's death that he starts hallucinating vernon's ghost, jake english/fight club style. this ghost convinces him to dig up vernon's corpse and, using some remnant of narrator, he brings them back to life. but yk. vernon is all fucked up now, dependent on kan and broken by the experience of death. eventually kan realizes that vernon a) was bad for him and b) is not the same vernon who came back and asks kris to. dispose of them. she happily obliges

BONUS SHIT:

if you ever saw me draw a pink haired guy w nice tits and his gamer girlboyfriend, that's aj (pink) and quinn (gamer) they're only vaguely canon to sdau and were originally escape room 2 ocs (yes, really)

in high school (pre transition) kan was a pretty popular youtube cosplayer named Kotdere (kot- from the russian word for cat and -dere from. dere tropes in anime) when he disappeared off the face of the internet there was a lot of confusion

during this time he had an online gf. that was quinn. quinn goes on to be like. the jerma of this universe and gets a hot of streamer boyfriend (aj)

eve gets a girlfriend, victoria! she made those like. true crime/unsolved mystery vids. eve helps her make one on "the disappearance of kotdere?? what REALLY happened"

narrator's story is really beautiful and crazy and i did not at ALL make it so def def def ask @/lovelyisthedawn about her <3

vernon/kan is evil yaoi and vernon/kris is evil yuri. you agree

some ship names (not necessarily rom just relationships)

vernon/kan: high and mighty kan/kris: rock kandy vernon/kris: punkrock printz/kan: palm to palm cato/vernon: tyrannicides narrator/líf: ragnarok probably missed some these are the ones i remember </3

[dangoblogs]

VENT ERA RESTART

TW: mention of SH, ED

ok so my bf and i broke up two months ago and the reason was very simple but got complicated over time. i absolutely hate him for how he became after the breakup but the issue rn is that he has a crush on his bsf but he likes me too but he doesnt want a relationship. i understandably got very angry and heartbroken because he made me trust in him that he doesnt like her but now after the breakup this happened and she likes him too. he knew that im very insecure about the girl bsf because in my previous relationship the guy always liked his girl bsf who was my bsf too and he led me on for two months. i told him i dont like him at all anymore and earlier he said hed try to get my trust back but now that he knows that i would never get back with him unless he stops liking her, he said he wouldnt try. am i wrong for that? he was the loveliest guy i knew and i really wanted to be with him forever but after what he did i just feel cheated and betrayed. it makes me feel that ill never really be loved in a romantic way and im always second to the bsf. im not made for love i think. i gave as much as i can so that he doesnt feel the distance because i knew he didnt want us to be in an ldr but ig me asking for the same things back was too much of an effort. all of this really drove me back in a depressive hole and my ED and SH came back tenfold. maybe if i leave this earth ill get the love i want but itll be fake too. idk

even after everything that has happened and my mind telling me i never want to be with him again, my gut tells me that we arent over and that theres a future for us but i dont want this hope cuz it just breaks my heart more and more. i wish there was less waiting. i wish he still loved me like he said he did. he keeps saying he hasnt moved on and he cries sometimes when he remembers us and he stalks my insta so that he can see me again but i cant believe him even if i want to. how can i when he posted a relationship reel on his story and tagged her. it isnt as if its hard to win my trust back. its just he doesnt even want to try anymore.

[fattmuzaffar]

Hello life.

how are you? i know it's been a long time. i haven't check up on you. didn't talk to you.

from the last time i spoke to you, a lot had happened. a lot of happiness, that has change. a lot of sadness. my fears come true. my kindness, my heart been broken and i don't know how to mend it.

from the last time i talk to you i got my biggest wish, i got to meet Billie Eilish. i got to meet her at the concert.

i been to langkawi, pd, melaka.

all of the above seems like a dream. all i was feeling is happy, grateful, and honestly loved. i didnt want all of it to end. i know i have my down moments and i am always overthinking. as a child, i rarely got good news. i almost everytime were in my bad dreams. from 5yo to teen years.

i got cheated on. in march. last year. i think thats the time i started talking to you. started to be back on journaling. i thought all was in my head. i thought when i be with her, all was gonna change. i thought she understand me. she knows all of my pain and story.

she cheated with the girl that i was feeling sus with. what i couldn't comprehend was, this person was with me 24 hours, 7 day a week. the only time we were not together was when i have to work.

it hurts so bad. i lost all my conscience. i am angry. i am sad. i relapsed. i feel as though what i feel was true. there is no happy ending. there was no true happiness. all the memories created was all a lie. was a way for her to blind me. spending big money for extra things. 9 months she lied. during that time, my father came back and ask for money not me, my sister mad at me for not giving her money.

i am heart broken, i can't sleep. all my trauma came back. all of it. the sa, the sh, all the abuse, all the neglected, abandonment. the missing of someone to be by my side. i know i have flaws, i know i'm not perfect. but i have feelings right? why no one care?

i can't sleep at night. i keep replaying everything my head. i deleted every picture of us last year. i feel like i lost my bestfriend. i dont feel good about myself.

my anxiety, depression and body don't have the energy anymore.

i met the girl, she is rude to me after i confronted her. she insulted me, she say so much about me that i think my partner told her. no way anyone else knows. she just stood there. watching me not defending me, not really doing anything.

it's been 1 month. still she doing nothing. she didn't care right? she is so fucking dumb. she don't know me. she don't remember how to talk to me, to console me anymore. we broke up because i wanted to. she didn't. she said she wants to change. like how? what change? i still can't sleep. i don't have energy during the day. i stay up during the night and cried for like 5 hours everyday.

also i quit my job. because i can't get up everyday, drive up to the company which is the same as the other girl. i can't get up to work and be fucking reminded of what that has happened.

dear life, what do you want from me. why i can't have anyone in my life.why even family and friends and loves? why i can't have happiness. why do you take every little happiness in my life and throw it far away? why do you do this me? i can't take anymore sadness and dark in my heart. i have enough trauma. i have enough sad and fucked up stories. why me ?

i fear this is the last stake i could take. i scared i might do anything stupid. i scared i might just end it all. i know no one will come to my grave, no one will cry. no one will.

dear life, i'm tired.

[consigliere-vincenzo]

has any drama done something like this cause backlash? and tbh i didnt think it was backlash, we're viewers just going crazy, i dont think anyone went and harrassed the writers and staff? like do they not get this is what viewers do? freakout over shows cause then ur in the wrong business. we still have 2 eps left, why do this? i never watched an on going kdrama so idk how it works. is the normal to spoil ur show like that?

i can’t remember a time when a show spoiled the ending like this but tbh this is the worst kdrama fallout i’ve witnessed in recent memory. there are only two others that come to mind and that was with the ending of Lovers in Paris (2004) and Reply 1988 (2015) and even then the response was nowhere near this bad.

the response on the korean online community is monstrous rn- the amount of backlash for 2521 is monumental- usually even if reviews are bad in these communities, responses on sites like naver will be mild but not this time- this show has everyone pissed. i’ve never seen anything like it and tbh i’m beyond pissed off myself. the more i think about it, the more it pisses me off.

there was a LOT of anger after episode 14 itself but the staff members’ responses following the anger just blew it out of the park. as you probably know by now- there were total four spoilers (not including the official one from tvn) each from a staff member- and the content was infuriating but the attitude of the spoilers (two of them were particularly condescending) threw oil to the fire.

it’s not that the two don’t end up together- it’s the way they went about getting to that point and the way the producers sold the show and their whole attitude about it too. it’s the way they took something like jaurim’s song and made it so that we couldn’t even listen to it anymore without feeling angry. the way they took personal memories of the 90’s and just shat on it- no one remembers anyway and who cares- nothing lasts forever- we’re being realistic (look nam joohyuk was the neighborhood newspaper delivery boy we already in A FANTASY- don’t be pulling that it should be realistic sh*t on me) everyone is just pissed. that’s probably why they released the making film video a day early but it was too little, too late- and it looks like they were just like ‘whatever screw it’- at least this way they could kind of split up people’s anger over the week because the way it was going, things were about to get even uglier. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[the-bjd-community-confess]

Divaz confos #4

Mod: Yup, there’s more...

1. I ordered a Venus Halo through BJDivaz over a year ago and now I'm wondering if there was a delay similar to what those other mechanical DZ dolls went through or if shes sitting in their warehouse waiting to be opened. Either way I am getting increasingly nervous.

~Anonymous

2. Well I was a fan of bjdivas but now I see what people are talking about. Super unprofessional to complain publicly on your forums about your temps.

~Anonymous

3. Wow, there seem to be some sh!t going down with BjdD!vas no ? But seriously people, don't slam the ones legitimately complaining about their services. There has been way too many lately for it to be only a coincidence. Also always keep in mind this hobby has history of people keeping silent on some matters because of "fans/followers/cliques" targeting them if they dare complaining. Everything can be/istwisted and amplified publicly by social media, some of you NEED to take a step back.

~Anonymous 

4. Nothing makes me cringe more than those "hi al3x" comments whenever someone voices their dislike of bjd divaz. It haaas to be al3x. Couldn't *possibly* be the one of the people that hate divaz and know of their bullshit practices, late replies, passive aggressive threats, nope, it's just that 1 person. al3x spoke up, the others that spoke up got harassed. One even deleted their reply, but the other left it. In all the thread, that one person got most likes because divaz is powertripping.

~Anonymous

5. TLDR version for the BJD Diva's situation: Self-induced drama created by narcissistic tendencies IE their inflated ego, incapable of criticism, expects recognition and unconditional support.

~Anonymous

6. I can sympathize with dealers because of the difficulty of their work, but their unprofessionalism in the replies in a feedback thread, their supporters who go after anyone saying not positive, and then discrediting said people in every way possible, and also attacking people for questioning insane policies? BJD Divaz should have ignored that negative feedback, let the positives speak for themselves instead of taking it personal and getting their fans involved. They lost my support.

~Anonymous

7. If the supporters of BJD Divaz replied in a calmer way I would understand better, but their replies are mostly so angry and hostile. Specially vic3mage because now i sympathise with the people who dont want to speak out and the ones who actually did because of bullies like him. He is so angry and stoops so low when replying to people. As soon as insults come out in your argument, thats when I dont care to read further and wont side with you. I associate that hostility with BJDivaz now.

~Anonymous 

8. I took a break from the hobby for the last couple of months, can someone sum up whats goin on with BJDivas? Are they not reputable anymore or something? I’d ask on Addicts or DOA but I don't wanna get assblasted with hate. :|

~Anonymous

9. Seeing the replies in the bjd divaz confessions makes me think that BJD Divaz isnt so far off from Danny Ch0o. Both egotistical maniacs with cult like status and garbage practices. JFC you all sound unhinged in the comments.

~Anonymous 

10. Any bets that BJDiv4s will be mouthing off about how they absolutely must share things with the hobby when whatever attorney they actually get tells them to shut up? That's presuming they can get an attorney willing to work with them of course.

~Anonymous 

11. Congratulations BJ Diva! You now have the "Dealer Caution" title on DOA! Completely earned that title for power tripping with your hot garbage blacklists, your public call outs, and involving yourself in everything, making a mountain out of a molehill. Having those super fans in the comments hurling abuse at anyone that dares question you never works, (looking at you vice3age and your verbal diarrhea). "fangirls" always make things worse, just ask BT who only fueled hatred towards poor MP.

~Anonymous 

12. The fact that Z3st would blow things this far out of proportion over a doll that took longer than he liked to arrive really speaks to who he really is. Avoid him at all cost, he's likely to do the same to you.

~Anonymous 

13. Imagine being Divaz and thinking you could fuck people out of money AND items because you have a following and people who will kiss your ass.

~Anonymous

[angst-fairygodmother]

Girl Talk (The Song of Sway Lake Fic)

A/N: The moment has finally arrived! The first official collab/crossover between myself and @miss-kittys-magical-library​! I’m really excited for how this came out, and how much fun we had writing it together. 😊 Word Count: 3127 Rating: T - mild language, brief mention of blood, discussion of violence

~The Papermill bookstore, Sway Lake~

Selina burst through the door of the bookstore.  She almost doesn't wait for Jess to say hello or ask questions.  Selina is overcome with adrenaline, the exhilaration of what she did. A giant smile spread across her lips.  There's almost a dreamy look in her eyes.  

She's covered in blood: her hands, her jeans, the bottom of her shirt.  Selina held her hands like a surgeon so she didn't touch anything.  

Jess’s mouth hung open while she pointed nervously towards the upstairs.  Her friend knew where to find what she needed.

Selina comes out of the hot shower knowing Jess will be in the room waiting.  She found clean clothes but stopped to study herself in the mirror.  Somehow she felt like her body had changed somehow.  

Selina caught a picture of her and Jess and held it up.  How far they've come from the girls in the photo on her best friend’s dresser.

She glimpsed Jess in the mirror, a strange smirk on her face.  Selina knew something was up.  She handed the picture to her friend and spoke,

“Can you believe this was us?”

------

There had been a time in life where Selina and Jess had told each other everything, no matter what. And yet somehow this summer, one of the most eventful in recent history, Jess hadn’t told her best friend anything. Anyone who had spent any time on the lake knew about tensions between the Sways and...basically everyone, but especially Selina’s mother and her relatives. And more than that, it had been kind of nice to have a good secret all to herself for a little while. But she missed her friend, and would have loved her advice on what to do about the boy who was quickly becoming someone important, and a problem for her heart. 

She was just thinking about the other girl, wondering if she should call her after work, maybe suggest a bonfire or late night rowboat race like they used to have, when Selina burst through the door. Jess’s eyes fell to the blood first, and then rose quickly to Selina’s face and the expression that didn’t match the apparent situation at all. 

A thousand questions raced through her mind as she pointed her best friend toward her bathroom (not that Selina didn’t know where it was by now) and made quick work of closing the shop. She didn’t seem hurt, so everything else could wait. While Selina washed herself clean, Jess dug for any clothes left behind the last time she had come for a visit, and failing that, any old shorts and t-shirt. She left them on top of the dresser and poked her head into the bathroom to gather the discarded bloody garments and throw them into the wash. 

Selina was standing in the bedroom, studying herself in the mirror when Jess returned, and for a moment she wondered, again, if her friend was injured. 

“Can you believe this was us, what?”

Selina laughed, “These girls.  We’re just girls here trying to be grown women.  I sort of treated you like I did Sunny.” 

She waited for Jess to maybe bristle or tense up at his name. “I marched on to the beach, saw the first girl my age who had SOMETHING in common with me, and declared you mine.  We aren't little girls anymore.”  

There was a bittersweetness in her voice.  Selina didn't even care that she was naked. 

Jess laughed. She remembered that day, meeting Selina after escaping her siblings in search of a moment of peace and quiet, far from what actually found her instead. But they had got on so quickly she'd forgotten to be angry about it.  

"No, we really aren't," she agreed with a tinge of nostalgic sadness in her own voice.

She leaned back on her hands on the bed, watching her friend study the picture. "I never minded, you know. It was kind of nice to be claimed by somebody. You'll always be my first for that," she bit her lip, hoping the joke didn't come off as uncomfortable given the situation. 

Selina finally dressed and sat beside her friend on the bed.  Her knuckles caressed the other woman’s cheek before she swept the hair from her face. Without a thought, she leaned in and gently pressed her lips to Jess’s, tongue lingered a bit before she broke away.  

“That's from Sunny too.”  Selina laid on her side tucked under Jess’s arm.  “How is it that I was here for a few weeks, and youuuu have been tramping around Sway Lake with some chick?!  Have you gone FULL lesbian?” she dropped her voice low. 

Jess turned onto her side, propping a head on her arm to face Selina. 

"You two are so weird," she rolled her eyes. "I don't think I'll ever get used to that." 

Her stomach flipped at the thought of Sunny, eyes cast to the ceiling as her thoughts wandered. She loved Ollie, but there was something raw about the idea of losing the other boy, even though he wasn't really hers anymore and hadn't been in quite some time. 

She quirked a teasing eyebrow as she returned to the present moment and the woman beside her.

"If I was going to do that, do you think it would be with anyone else than you? Whoever gave you your gossip needs glasses."

Selina’s mouth dropped open, “There's a guy around here with hair that long?!”  

She linked her arm through Jess’s and pulled her in for a hug.  The other woman now wrapped up in her embrace.  Selina let her chin rest on her friend’s head as she stroked her hair.  “You feel happier.  Content.  Like you're just drifting along.  I know you loved Sunny in your own way, but this is different.  It's the,” she ran a hand up and down Jess’s body without touching it, “this.  Papa would call it your aura.” 

Jess grinned. "I am. I'm really, really happy," she answered dreamily. "Ollie's a really sweet guy. But only here for the summer…"

She swallowed down the lingering bitter taste her argument with Ollie the previous morning had left in her mouth, not wanting to burden the conversation with her fears. Especially not when she still had so many questions of her own. 

"But don't think asking about my love life is going to get you out of explaining yourself, missy." She teased.

Selina sat up, “Oliver Sway?!  Jessica!  Come on.  Any other Tom, Dick or asshole at this stupid lake.  Sunny.  Sunny’s RIGHT THERE.  Just grab him by the ankle and bring him back to Earth.  He needs you.”

She took a breath, “That.. harpie will tear you apart because you aren't good breeding.  It's Sway Lake because that's what those upper crust cunts hold over this entire town.  Sway.  Lakes dont belong to one family, they should belong to EVERY person.  Are Sunny and I the only ones NOT under this family’s curse?  First Tom, then Nikolai and now you.”  

Selina’s voice was full of disappointment more than anger.  She looked at her hands.  Her palms, white and clean, were just caked brownish red not even an hour ago.  “It can't be the both of us.”

"Nikolai?!" Jess asked, staring for a moment before doubling over in laughter. "Oh god it all makes sense now."

She struggled to contain her laughter, gasping for air and wiping away the tears in her eyes from it. 

"Fuck Charlotte Sway, I couldn't care less what she thinks," she said, sobering and then sighing. "It's not like I planned on falling in love with Ollie. But I did, and it kinda scares me. I really really don't want to lose him. And he hates her and the whole legacy bullshit as much as anyone. Let it all rot or burn or whatever."

Jess was silent for a moment. It was hard to say Selina was her only or even oldest friend. But they were best friends, for certain, and they knew everything about each other. There were even times when they were younger that Selina and Sunny had talked about soulmates and Jess had wondered if she were hers. Which is why her stomach twisted with guilt as she realized just how unsettled Selina was, and pretending not to be. 

"But enough about me, it doesn't matter. Are you okay?"

Selina took Jess’s hand in hers.  She laced their fingers together and laid down again.  This time she and her friend were side by side.  She was certain no one in any spoken language had invented a word for what the two of them were.  

Selina knew it was why Leon and Johnny always ended phone calls and visits with long hugs and I love yous.  Why Honey and Klaus showered each other with intimacy and affection Honey showed Leon.  Friendships that made people question your sexual intentions.  It was probably something in the Kostas skin, like a pheromone. 

The 23 year old pushed the thought out of her mind that everyone around them was their friend because they didn't have a choice.  Instead she squeezed Jess’s hand.  

“You know Honey, she holds grudges with a tight grip.  There's only two people she hates: Charlotte Sway and Reginald Hargreeves, and he's the one she really wants dead.  Charlie is lonely and miserable. That's punishment enough for Mama.  Papa always says she would make a great Mafia don. She DID like Tim Sway; 

cried when he killed himself.  He wasn't even Charlot-”  Selina cut herself off.  “Either way Ollie must take after him then.  I hope he does.  I think we played together when we were little?”   

She realized she was avoiding the question and wanted to deflect solely on Jess.  Sunny wasn't the only one who slept around up here, or had a weird effect.  Selina again panicked if maybe, somehow, what was in him was in her.  That the Russian on a canoe in the middle of the night would show up in the Village, screaming at her in the dead of night.  Some of the guys she fucked flopped around on top of Selina for a few minutes, got off while she stared at the ceiling.  Then they laid claim to her like any White guy who thought he owned someone else’s land.

“And don't laugh like that either!  I was doing my duty as a future nurse and helping someone who got hurt.”   

She watched Jess cross her arms, even on her back.  She was giving Selina THAT stare.  Selina threw her hands up. “Ohhh,” she whined, ”I was swimming, floating really.  Probably out further than I should be in the middle of the night, but that fucking moon.  And there he was on his way to get rid of those horrendous jet skis of Jimmy’s.  And he was flirtatious and made me groan, but also laugh?” 

Selina had pulled her knees up to her chest so she could hug them.  A far off look on her face.  “And he's very.. I didn't really pay attention to what he looked like.  WHO, right?  It was just this fire that went through me.  Like I knew him?  

“Mama always talks about the day I was born and speaking into existence this notion. That every version of her will be loved by and love Papa.  She thought it was blood loss creating insanity, but Sunny and I had designs on a love like theirs.”

“And the way Nikolai made me feel, and the way he knew my body?  We didn't even fuck; not like that.  I haven't cum that hard or much ever.  Even by myself.”

“Then he got hurt, and I made Sunny take me to him.  Ollie had saved him, right?  As we're stitching him back together, I see his face.  That face I grew up with three times over.  He's fashioned for me, Jess.  Maybe like Ollie is for you.  But Nikolai is Leon and Nicklaus and Klaus and he's made to be mine.” 

"No, no  I'm not laughing at that, or you," Jess promised. "Just...the first decent conversation Nikolai and I had, he mentioned meeting someone. Matching his description to you is what's funny. And the fact that you two are such opposites." Jess paused, smiling in fondness for both parties in question. "But it's safe to say he likes you, a lot." 

She felt silly now, not putting it together sooner. After all, there was no one else in the world she could think more aptly described as a siren made of the moon. And as funny as it was on paper, something about Selina and Nikolai made sense. 

 And, it made her heart beat giddily. Her faith in fate was complicated, but when it came to the Kostases, the concept was shockingly simple. And it seemed impossible that this was just coincidence, the four of them tied together like this. 

'Or maybe,' she silently scolded, 'it's wishful thinking so you can tell yourself you're not being completely crazy.' 

The rest of what Selina said registered belatedly and she blanched. "Wait. That was a lot of blood. Are you saying that it was all Nikolai's?"

“It was,” Selina replied softly.

"Jesus. What did he do, get in a knife fight?" Her voice was a mixture of concern and annoyance. 

She could see Nikolai doing something like that, to defend his own pride which he deflected onto Ollie, or for some other stubborn, idiotic thing. And now that there were two people she loved who would get hurt if something happened to him, she made a note to have a little chat with him about being so reckless. And to find Ollie later to check on both boys. 

"I know if he had you helping take care of him, I don't have to ask if he'll be alright." She nudged Selina teasingly with a shoulder, hoping to break up some of the heavy, contemplative air settling over them both.

“Knives don't cause QUITE as much damage as you think.  Unless you hit a vein.  Diego showed me how to do it effectively once.  Plus if he's like the others, Nikolai probably prefers fists to weapons.  Or the spider monkey sleeper-hold thing Klaus and Sunny do.  Although Papa stabbed Uncle Jonny once, it was just an artificial wound.” 

Selina suddenly scooped Jess up in her arms so they could go back to a cuddle.  She tangled her legs and arms around Jess to sort of dominate her personal space.  Her forehead pressed into her friend’s neck.

“He and Jimmy got into it, and they were on the boat dock.  Nik slipped and hit his head.  Ollie swam for like, the first time ever to get him up into a boat.  Had pressure on it.  I just stitched him with fishing wire.  They'll do better at the ER.”

Selina sighed, “If he's like them he wouldn't die anyways.  Klaus died like twice in a few days, also head injuries?  Either way, Nikolai would’ve been fine without me.”  

Then almost like an afterthought, “Did you say he talked to you about me?  Probably something about conquests and the Russian army.  But you!  YOU FELL IN LOVE this summer!  I got my pussy licked and think he's this mythical soulmate.  You're in actual, real love.”

Selina propped up on her elbow, “Have you slept together?  No I'm sorry,  YOU get to call it MAKING LOVE!!”  she burst into a fit of giggles around cheeks fired by jealousy.  “I am happy for you.  I promise.  I'm glad Sunny..  I'm just happy.”

"No, actually," Jess said, shifting around Selina so they tucked together more cleanly, like two matched puzzle pieces. This kind of closeness wasn't Jess's favorite thing, but Selina knew that, and Jess trusted that if she didn't need it, she wouldn't be initiating it. "It was surprisingly non-militant. And only one nautical reference."

Jess hesitated, remembering some of the incidents Selina had to deal with and one or two more from the summers that  Sunny, or Jess herself, had headed off before they got far enough to be a concern (or for Selina to even know). She wanted her friend to know just what Nikolai had said, and that he very much did not just see her as just some conquest. But the line between sweet and creepy was a hazy one at best. She brought one hand away from the tangle to fret the corner of her thumb between her teeth while she thought it over. 

"I'm not saying I'm jealous...but I thought it was romantic. And dramatic of course, look who we're talking about. But dramatic isn't always bad. I wish you'd stop dismissing yourself like that. Soulmate or no, you have some sort of feelings for him which seem serious; one might call it a crush at least. And he made you feel good. He made you happy. You're allowed that. You deserve it. And now, for the moment if not more, you have it, savor it." 

"As for Ollie and me..." 

She froze, frowning as she struggled to figure out just what to say. There was a part of her that feared a reputation of some kind (even though it was just Ollie that she'd been a first time for, and Sunny, but he didn't count). And another part that wanted to keep it to herself, even though most of her wanted to share. She bit again at her thumb, searching for words. 

"It's not that big of a deal?" 

Selina bit her lip before a yawn escaped her.  “One: a crush is a crush because you can get hurt.  Otherwise, it would be called a cushion.  I think that's what Papa said once.  Or was it Klaus?”  

Selina closed her eyes now. “Either way, it's a very big deal!  I can feel the difference in you.  I want you to be in love.  To maybe leave Sway Lake.  Come back to the city with me?  Close up this place for a few months.  You can live with me.  Or Oliver for a little while. Oh lovely little Oliver making my sweet Jessica come ‘round again.  All your sadness and little pieces everywhere.  I couldn't stitch you back together with fishing wire, could I?  I shouldn't have let Sunny break your heart.  I just didn't want being around me to remind you of him.  I'm sorry.  But Ollie.. he’ll..  Sorry, I think I'm a bit delirious from adrenaline?  Mind if I nap a bit?” 

But Selina was fast asleep before Jess could give permission.

Jess shook her head with a smile, carefully extricating herself and tucking her friend into the bed. Selina had given her a lot to think about.

[alex-farrington]

Could I request an angst, comfort & fluff fic for Dean & a Female Reader (who's also a hunter) where one day after a hunt she just disappears. Mainly because she's been silently suffering & dealing with mental health issues & it just got to the point where she had to get away from everything or else she was gunna go over the edge. But then a few years later she runs into him again & is finally able to tell him why she left & they end up confessing feelings for each other.

Im so sorry i dont feel comfortable writing for a romantic relationship with dean, but i can a platonic version where there bestfriends.

Tw, sh, deppression, anxiety

You just got back to the bunker with sam and dean after a particularly rough hunt, it was a den of werewolves and there were supposed to be only 3 or 4 there ended up being 7. You were the one that was supposed to do a scout at the beginning and count you were the one that messep up, it was all your fault.

" y.n, what was that? You said you counted and saw 3 there were like 7 werewolves i there?" " im sorry, i didnt see the, i saw only 3 i swear" you say in reply to dean. You look away, apollogizing over and over trying to explaim that they werent there or younjust genuinly didnt see them. But no matter how hard you tried he kept saying it was your fault.

You layed on your bed staring at the ceilling thoughts swirling in your head, it was all your fault, you were so stupid, why did it have to be like this.

Your shoulder ached at the still open wound refusing to clean it you settled for picking the splinters out, you felt relaxed at the pain.

You got up and slowly moved to the bathroom and opened the drawrer, the razor glinting in the yellow light dry blood still on it from last time.

You pick it up and sit on the side of the tub begining to slice into your tender flesh

1- they got hurt because of you

2- you made a stupid mistake

3- stupid bitch

4- why cant i just get anything right?

5

6

7

8

You stared at your arm caughht in a daze, untill a knock was heard at your door, your head snapped to the source of the sound " j-just a second im busy" "ok" replied the oldest winchester from the other side of the door.

You scrammbeled to pull a sweater over your body and hide the razor, wiping the blood with a towel then shoving it under the sink cabinnet.

You run out of the bathroom to open the door" hi" " hey, im sorry for snapping at you earlier i was just angry cause sammy almost got hurt i didnt even bother to ask if your shoulder was ok , i know it wasnt your fault and they probably werent in the den. " you stood there shocked by his speech, " thanks, my shoulders fine cleaned it and all, i think im just gonna get some shut eye." He bid you goodnight and left you in your room.

Guilt eating you alive for lieing to him, you cant do this anymore you need to leave. You rush and paxk asuitcase and backpack, grab some fakes ids and a few credit cards. Sneaking out into the quiet hallways of the bunker going to the garage and taking the keys to your car.

You put your stuff in the back and sit in the front seat having an internal sturggle to decide wethere or not you should leave. Yes. No . Yes no. YES, you start the car pulling out of the garage ready to leave this life in the rearview mirror.

3 year time skip.

You have a job working in a dinner a small one bedroom apartment you live a semi normal life untill one day the faces you never thought yous see again strolled into the door, you quickly headed out the back hoping they didnt see you, and ran to your car inly to find the brothers waiting there.

" where have you been y.n : says dean running over to you wrapping his arms around you pulli g you into a hug so tight you might die, pour choice of words i know. Y" i- i im so sorry i just couldnt anymore, i was trying so hard and i couldt stop." You say bursting into tears.

After a long conversation explaining what was going on and a heartfelt apology from dean and his younger brother, you decide to go back with them.

You arrive at the bunker, a place you never thoguth youd see again the femmiliar scene sending a wac0ve of nostalgia through you grateful that you had the time to work on yourself and now you can continue doing what you love

Saving people

Hunting things

The family buisness

~♡ Alex

[kornito]

SOURCE: https://korngiant.tripod.com/kornisgoodforu/id10.html

Dead

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

All I want in life is to be happy", it's that simple. People say that it's become their own anthem. It's like whenever I start to feel good, something comes and takes it away and I feel like I'm nothing again, like I'm dead.

Falling Away From Me

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

The song is about domestic abuse and that there ways to get help whether it's telling someone or calling a help line, there are ways to get out of those situations. Noone has to be treated like that.

Trash

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

"Trash" is about how I threw my world and everything out. I threw her away. I threw my old self away. It basically comes back down to the sex thing. The battles I did on the road, this whole album is what I went through because I was on the road and I went crazy.

Beg for Me

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

"Beg For Me" is more of an angry thing because the whole thing for "Beg For Me" is the crowd. The only time I was good on tour was when I walked up onstage and that's what the song is about. Feeling wanted is something one thing I've always needed. I was shuffled around so much when I was a kid...Being up onstage was the only point was the only time when my anxiety would go away for an hour.

Make Me Bad

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

I need to feel the sickness in you" ... It's spawned from f**kin', basically, from having sex. That's where that line comes from, but it means a whole bunch of things to me. "Make Me Bad" was about the battles I had being on the road, being married and being with other women. I'm not married anymore... beause of my lifestlyle, and I just couldnt do that to my wife anymore. So that ended. But does it make me bad that I have a dick and I have f**ken other feelings to be with other people? Why should I be with just one? It seems like human beings are genetically engineered to procreate. Thats what we do, f**k everything, and that's what our natural insides want to do. It is hard to find someone like that. But she was a good woman and I didnt want to keep on... I did the right thing, I was a man about it. It was better for me to tell her and let her go on with her life and find someone who could help her and be like that. So that song was spawned by that, does it make me bad to want to be with other women? In a sence it was my only drug, why... because I dont drink anymore, I cant drink. I've been sober for a year. I dont have any other vices. So at least doing that could be something.

Hey Daddy

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

"Hey Daddy" where I was schizophrenic and there were these voices telling me to do sh*t... To kill myself, basically. Daddy is one of my nicknames, so its like I'm talking to myself the whole time. It's hard to explain.

Dirty

Song Meaning: Jonathan

"I feel like a fucking whore to record companies." "You know how it is...the way we are used and marketed." "How they make all the money off us and we don't make shit!" "The only way we make money is to go out on tour and sell merchandise" "Basiclly we write all the music and turn in and they make all the money." "So I feel like that and also I feel like a slut cuz I'd go out at night and fucking girls and so I said fuck it, I'm going to do it. The only way to escape is to have sex." "Its all kind of different issues."

Its On!

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's On is my sh*t peer pressure song. Me being so stressed out going out and partying. Everybody's just going 'Come on dude, it's on.' That's partying, it's alcohol, cocaine, women. All that wrapped into one. I wrote a song about it. And the chorus I talked about Why am I really doing this? It's all my fault that I'm doing this because all the alcohol, the booze an the chicks do is just make it worse. They just rearrange all the problems in a different order that I can deal with at that moment.

Freak on a Leash

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

One of the best titles I've heard ever for a song. That's my song against the music industry. Like me feeling like I'm f**kin' a pimp, a prostitute. Like I'm paraded around. I'm this freak paraded around but I got corporate America f**kin' making all the money while it's taking a part of me. It's like they stole something from me, they stole my innocence and I'm not calm anymore. I worry constantly.

Got the Life

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's a song baggin' on myself. How everything's always handed to me. How I look up to God and don't want this anymore. Like I want something more out of life than all this. And I've got everything I really need but I sometimes don't like. I don't know how to explain it. I have to let it sit through the songs more to actually get into what I write. I truly know, really, the meanings of the songs almost. That's what I'm getting out of it right now.

Dead Bodies Everywhere

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That was the song about my parents trying to keep me out of the music business. My father was in it and he knew how it was and I totally understand now that I have a son. I want Nathan to be a musician but I him don't want him to go through the hell I went through. That's the same thing my Dad was doing. A lot of people can relate to it, because it's like the Dad's wanting their sons to be football players and their sons want to be doctors or something. That peer pressure its like trying to make them something they're really not. And the Dead Bodies thing is like so I did it and all I got out of it was dead bodies everywhere and got all traumatized. Thanks a lot Dad, Mom.

Children of the Korn

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's the song that Ice Cube is on Cube came up with the title. I fed off of what he wrote, he was talking about growing up and puberty. Dictating what he can do, like how you gonna tell me how to live and who to f**k? And all this stuff. And I took that and in my stuff I was talking about being a kid always known as the f**kin' town faggot. It's funny how things change. That some of these people picked on me and all of a sudden look who's laughing now. Also in another of the verse I talked about all these parents f**kin hating me for what I do, saying I'm corrupting their children, but in turn these parents need to step outside of themselves and really listen to what I'm talking about. Then I think they can understand that they were kids before. They're just really quick to judge me. All the Children of The Korn are all our Korn fans. All those kids going through that sh*t and feeling what I feel.

B.B.K.

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Big black cock! That's what I call a jack and coke. Those little glasses they serve in Europe and everything. That's what I named it, big black cock. And that's another song about me dealing with the pressures of this album and how I, you know, I'm trying to kill myself, but you know? Do I really want to kill myself? Things I'm just questioning myself. Most of this is self-structured.

Pretty

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's a story about this little girl that came into the coroner's office when I was working there and she was f**ked by her dad. She was an 11 month old little baby girl. Her legs were broken back behind her and he just f**ked her like a toy doll and chucked her in the bathroom. It was the most heinous thing I've ever seen in my life and I still have nightmares about it.

All in the Family

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Fred was there after Korn TV and we said, 'Let's do a song together, Hey, man, let's go back and forth and rip on each other like an old school battle.' I don't know who's idea it was, I can't remember if it was mine or Fieldy's or Fred's but we came up with the idea and we started writing and we worked on it together. I came up with some bags on myself for Fred to say. It was all in good natured fun.

Reclaim My Place

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

This one is about the whole band and about all my life being called a homosexual. And then I became this big rock star in a band and I'm still called a fag even by my own band. So it's like I was f**kin' pissed off at them. It's like erase them all because I'm gonna reclaim my place and say hey, they owe a lot to me for what I did, and I owe a lot to them back. But, it still kinda sucks. I've never ever gotten away from that fag f**kin' title. Just because I'm a sensitive kinda guy. Kinda feminine it really sucks.

Justin

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Justin, that was the kid dying terminally with intestinal cancer. His last dying wish was to meet us and it really freaked me out. That threw a whole bunch of new kind of pressures on my head. That's really intense. Someone's gonna die and his last thing he wants to do is come hang out with us. So I truly just freaked out. It's like why would you want to meet me? What makes me so special? And in turn I talk about how I admire his strength and his life. I couldn't stare at him because he was so content he was gonna die. No one could look him in the eyes. And I totally admire his strength. I wish I had it.

Seed

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Seed. That's all about the same thing again. I laying in bed in my hotel room, thinking about do I really need all this stuff? All this pressure on me? Because I'm a stressed out freak. It's about Nathan, it's about every time that I look into his eyes, I see myself how I used to be, innocent and stress free. I'm kind of jealous of it. It really sucks, I used to be that way. It's like I have to work so hard at this thing in my life. I have to become a stressed out freak. I put food on the table for my child. Every time I look in his eyes, I just see myself staring right back at my @ss laughing. I was like care free, innocent as a child. It's really weird and I'm really jealous of it.

Cameltosis

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's a love song. It's about women in general, women who hurt me. It's Tre's lyrics. He's going on about chicks and my chorus is like I'm so scared to love anyone and really let them in after I got hurt really really bad by a girl. I've let Renee in a little bit, to be honest, but I'll never be that in love ever again. That's what I'm saying, if you've loved twice, you're gonna get f**ked, 'cause you usually do.

My Gift to You

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Renee always wanted me to write her a love song and that's why I called it My Gift To You. It's my gift to her, you know how I get sick. I always had a fantasy of f**king her and choking her to death. I fantasize about what it would look like me in her body and watching me do it. So it's like a really sick f**ked up song. I did it totally like, I love her so much, I want to take her out of this world. It's really strange. She used to leave notes on my pillow like 25 ways she'd like to kill me. She's got this weird death fetish. We're kinda f**kin' freaky. She got it. She's all 'Thank you that's kinda f**ked up. I was expecting a f**kin' I love you, baby kinda song.' I'm all, 'No, you know me.' I mean I can't do that.

Chi

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Chi is about a lot of alcohol and drug abuse. People turn to that when they have problems so that they won't have to feel their pain. The song was named after Chi Cheng from the Deftones. We named it after him because he used to call it reggae, and he loves reggae music.

Lost

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's the sterotypical thing about your best friend meeting a chick, and then you're nothing

Swallow

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's about being paranoid. Drug-induced paranoia.

Good God

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's about a guy I knew in school who I thought was a my friend, but who f**ked me. He came into my life with nothing, hung out at my house, lived off me, and made me do sh*t I didn't really wanna do." "I was into new romantic music and he was a mod, and he'd tell me if I didn't dress like a mod he wouldn't be my friend anymore."

"Whenever I had plans to go on a date with a chick he'd sabotage it, because he didn't have a date or nothing. He was a gutless f**king nothing. I haven't talked to him for years.

Mr. Rogers

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Back in the day when I was a speed freak, um... even further back when I was a little kid watchin' Mr. Rogers, that sh*t was scary. He was a freaky old man... Land of Makebelieve and Mr. f**kinMcFeely and sh*t... made me sick. So back when I was doing speed, like for 5 or 6 days I'd be trippin out and my brain would start to get freaky and get schizophrenic and stuff, and I'd tape it and watch it everyday over and over... I don't know, I was sick in the head. As a kid he told me to be polite and all it did was get me picked on. I f**king hate that man. Thanks for making me polite and trusting everyone, and easy to take advantage of. So I spent 3 months on that one song, just tweakin' on it, and it was totally just my Mr. Rogers obsession, about how evil I thought he was. Pretty much drug induced.

K @ # Ø % (Kunt)

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

People think it's sexist but it isn't. It's more subconcious b*tching at all the women who've been with me in my life. It's not about women in feneral, just those women who hurt me." "Initially, we wrote it to send to American radio for a joke, because they always chop up all the other songs. So we were going to send a 'real' single seven days later."

A.D.I.D.A.S.

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It stands for all day I dream about sex. It's about how much of a pervert my ass is, and how I daydream about what a stud I am. But when it comes down to it, I'm a f**king pussy and I'm in there jacking off.

a** Itch

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That was the last song I wrote, and I was so burned at writing out lyrics because everytime I write I get depressed because I start thinking about things, you know? So the whole song is about that. In the chorus it says, 'Before day, my sun will be dying'. It's because I put myself on the line all the time and for what? Because people aren't going to be listening to it anyway.

Kill You

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's about a relative I first met when I was 12. I f**king hate that b*tch. She's the most evil, f**ked up person I've met in my whole life. She hated my guts. She did everything she could to make my life hell. Like, when I was sick she'd feed me tea with Tabasco, which is really hot pepper oil. She'd make me drink it and say, 'You have to burn that cold out, boy'. f**ked up sh*t like that. So every night when I'd go to sleep, I'd dream of killing that b*tch. In some sick way I had a sexual fantasy about her, and I don't know what that stems from or why, but I always dreamt about f**king her and killing her

Ball Tongue

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

The meaning of ball tongue is simple. Some thought it had to do with oral sex, but in fact its about a guy we had to work with on a t-shirt (Jeff Creath). He either had a pierced tongue or a wart or something on his tongue and he was a dick to us.

Different live: Jonathan goes into a Rap (by Coolio) Called "Loddi Doddi" in the middle of the song.

Clown

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Korn was playing a show in San Diego for a clothing card. This skinhead guy came up and started flippin' me off. When we started, I bent down and the guy took a swing at me. Our tour manager, Jeff, got into it and knocked the guy out. I wrote this song about him: 'Scared to be honest with yourself/you're a cowardly man.

Faget

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Everyone thinks I'm bashing gay people in this song, and I'm not. It's really about me going through high school being called 'pussy,' 'queer' and all that stuff, about getting picked on by all these jocks.

Shoots and Ladders

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It was written because all these little kids sing these nursery rhymes and they don't know what they originally meant. Everyone is so happy when singing but 'London Bridge' is about the Black Plague. All of them have these evil stories behind them." "The lyrics are all from nursery rhymes, and a lot of nursery rhymes go back to the Middle Ages. They're actually pretty twisted if you know the stories behind them, like about Black Death and stuff.

Helmet in the Bush

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's about a speed problem that I had. You know, you do a lot of speed and -- if you're a male -- your penis retracts severly. The guy heard at the beginning of the song is La Caco, a friend of the band. His real name is Michael and likes taco bell. He's a really Nice Guy and he has been friends with the band for years

Daddy

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

People think daddy' was writen because my dad f**ked me up the ass,thats not what the song's about. It wasn't about my dad or my mum. When I was a kid I was being abused by someone else and I went to my parents and told them about it. and they thought I was lying and joking around, they never did sh*t about it. They didn't belive it was happening to their son. I don't like to talk about that song, this is the most I've ever talked about it...

[lancermylove]

Threatened Reader 2 (HC)

*** These headcannons will make more sense after you read part 1. ***

Fandom: BSTS

Pairing: Kei x Reader, Rindou x Reader, Mokuren x Reader, Kokuyou x Reader, Mizuki x Reader

Warning: Kinda angsty. Mention of attempted suicide, violence, lost of a loved one

Requested by: @mokuchan

Prompt:  You didnt get my question?- oop okay- I'll explain it again, but you dont need to do this- So I wanted you to make a part 2 on the threatened reader hc like the s/o comes back as a ghost comforted all the leaders? Their S/o comforting them and saying not to die with her..Its just so sad that I now Want a happy ending well You dont need to because it aint my request! if you do this, please take your time- you have lots of other requests, if you dont I understand you to the max XD :)

A/N: Well, these are exactly happy, but they’re lighter than the ones I wrote before. I may build up on part 2 and do a part 3 which would most likely be happier. XD

———————————————

Kei 

Kei slowly opened his eyes and scanned the grounds, taking in the rain and the remains of your murderer.

He had held the gun at point-blank, so why, why was he still alive? 

Please, don't do this. He heard a familiar and gentle whisper in his ear. Please, Kei.

Was his mind playing tricks on him? His heart yearned to hear that sweet voice again, but he knew that was impossible, so why did it feel so real?

Kei buried his face in his hands, still holding onto his gun. Stop hurting yourself.

His muscles tensed up when he felt a pair of arms wrap around him from behind. He knew that touch all too well; that warm, loving touch that had the power to melt his heart. 

I will not let you throw your life away. 

Kei desperately tried to pry his hands away from his face, but an unknown force prevented him from doing so.

Stop blaming yourself for my death. You are not responsible for what happened.

Kei felt a lump in his throat, "I c-couldn't protect you." 

Please stop! Kei, I...I w-want you to be happy. You have to live for both of us. 

"I can't...not without you." His deep voice cracked, and his shoulders trembled. 

Who says I'm not with you? Just because you can't see me doesn't mean I'm not by your side. A soft chuckle filled his ears, causing a fragile smile to appear on his pale lips. You've always been my guardian angel, and now, I promise to be your guardian angel.

The unseen hold on Kei loosened as a distant voice echoed, promise me that you will live...for me. 

Removing his hands from his face, Kei once again scanned the empty grounds. A ray of light shone from between the dark clouds, illuminating his exhausted face. 

Kei closed his eyes and fell to his knees, allowing the months of suppressed pain to escape down his cheeks. "I-I promise to live...for us." 

Rindou

Rindou. 

He heard his name once again but ignored it as he continued to press his knees closer to his chest, rocking back and forth. 

Rindou. Can you hear me?

Rindou pressed the palms of his hands on his ears, tears clouding his dull eyes. 

He felt a warm hand of his back but brushed it off as his imagination. 

The sweet voice once again called out to him, but this time the voice came from behind him. Rindou, I know you can hear me.

He violently shook his head and buried his face in his knees. 

A pair of arms enveloped him in a warm embrace. Everything is going to be alright. You are not at fault.

A sob escaped Rindou's lips, but the voice continued. You need to stop blaming yourself. 

"B-But, I...the gunshot..."

Please, bring my old Rin back. I miss him very much. 

"I don't want," he spoke in a pained voice, "to live without you." 

Your friends need you; moreover, your sister needs you. You cannot continue like this. Don't give up!

Rindou slowly lifted his head, his eyes scanning his surroundings. He tried to find the source of the voice in vain. 

I will be waiting for you, my love, but I'm in no hurry. Rin, live your life, and always be happy.

He wiped his tears as a smile found it's way onto his lips. His once lifeless eyes now held a slight glimpse of hope. 

Kokuyou

Kokuyou closed his heavy eyelids, exhausted from spending his entire day hiding from the voice in his head. The same voice that blamed him for everything and told him he was incapable of protecting anyone. 

He expected yet another nightmare to disturb his sleep, but instead of horrifying images, he saw white. Nothing but white. 

Kokuyou? 

He snapped his head in the direction of the voice but didn't see anything. 

Do you have any idea how long I've been trying to reach you?

"Who the hell are you?" The redheaded man balled up his fist, ready to attack. 

Don't you recognize my voice? Here you go once again, getting angry at everything. 

His fists uncurled as he stared in disbelief in the direction of the voice, "You...are...impossible."

I miss the old Kokuyou, my old Kokuyou. The voice grew quiet for a few seconds. I-You know this isn't your fault, right?

He let out an audible tsk before turning his back and walking in the opposite direction. "I'm going crazy," he mumbled but stopped when he felt a pair of warm arms enfolded him from behind. 

I don't blame you for what happened, i-it was my fault for not telling you. Kokuyou, please stop torturing yourself. The grip around him got tighter. He looked down at his waist but saw nothing, yet he could feel the presence.

Go back to your old life; your friends and enemies, alike, are waiting for you to return. They miss you. 

"Shut up. I don't care about them...I don't care about anyone." Kokuyou shut his eyes and clenched his teeth. 

Wrong. You are afraid to lose them, aren't you? Open your eyes and see how much you're worrying them. 

"I..." He bit down on his lower lip and held back his tears. Part of him hated how weak he felt, but the other part wanted him to let loose the emotions that were holding him back. 

Kokuyou, open your heart again. Please. Also, I've one request but think of it as my last wish. He spun around when he felt the presence slowly fading. My last wish is for you to find love again.

Kokuyou opened his eyes and sat up in bed, looking around his room. He placed his hand on his forehead, "Find love again? You make it sound easy." A bitter smile appeared on his lips as silent tears streamed down his face. 

Mokuren

Mokuren had been dancing for hours, ignoring all the warnings his body and mind gave. All he remembered was his vision turning black as he hit the floor in his apartment. 

Mokuren! Hearing a kind voice calling out to him, he slowly opened his eyes only to shield them from the intense light. 

"Where?" He whispered as his eyes adjusted to the bright surroundings. 

Much to his shock, Mokuren was standing on water. He turned his head in all directions but could only see water. 

Mokuren. The voice was closer to him than before, so close that he could feel a shiver run down his spine. 

"You are..." he held his hand out, only to feel a warm hand touch his cold ones. 

Moku, I haven't gone anywhere; I'm still here with you. You haven't lost anything. 

"Princess?" Though he wanted to say more, the words refuse to come out. 

Do you have any idea how worried your teammates are, especially Qu? I am sorry for giving you so much pain, but please, don't hurt yourself like this. 

Mokuren lowered his eyes and pressed his lips into a thin line. 

Dancing has always been your passion, so why are you using it to vent your pain? My dear prince, you keep saying that dancing is all you have, but that's far from the truth. You have friends that care for you; friends that are willing to do anything to help you, so stop this madness.

Mokuren's vision once again started to blacken. He heard the soft voice speak one last time. Find happiness, my love, for yourself, your friends...and for me. 

He slowly woke up to find himself in the hospital. He looked around the room to find his teammates sound asleep. Mokuren quickly wiped the tears rushing down his cheeks, but no matter how hard he tried, they refuse to stop falling. 

Mizuki

Mizuki grabbed the man by his collar and punched his face, "The hell didja say?" Just as he was about to break the man's nose, he saw a familiar face appear before his eyes. 

The young boy's eyes widened as he quickly released the man and took a step back, losing his balance. 

Mizuki felt his blood run cold as the long lost voice echoed in his mind. It's your fault. He grabbed his hair and shook his head in an attempt to stop suppress the annoying voice. 

Mizuki, snap out of it! The boy moved his head side-to-side, horrified by the disembodied voice. What have you turned into? 

"Y-you can't be. I'm going crazy." 

No, you are not! I hate what you've become. What did you do to my troublesome, food-loving boy? 

"Shuddup, shuddup, shuddup!" Mizuki jumped to his feet and punched a nearby wall. "I can do whatever the hell I want." 

Mizuki, in your current condition, you are no different from the fangirl who killed me. 

Those words hit him hard. He felt his stomach twist as he once again remembered the dreadful scene. As each second passed, he found it harder to breathe. 

The people you've killed have loved ones that are suffering, just the way you once suffered after seeing me die. This is not who you are. 

"Sh-Shud-dup." Mizuki leaned against the wall for support as he felt his knees weaken. The images of the people he killed flashed before his eyes, causing his body to tremble. The walls he had built around his heart began to crumble as a piercing cry escaped his lips. 

Mizuki, please return to the world you came from. You can't stay in this dark world anymore. 

"I c-can't," he spoke between heavy sobs, "t-they ha-hate me." 

No, they don't. In fact, they're waiting for you. Your Kokuyou nii-chan, your teammates, even the other teams all want you back. Go, Mizuki. 

The young boy swiftly wiped his tears, jumped to his feet, and raced towards his home with newfound hope in his heart.  

[minisoft05]

!!TW!! Anger, sh!!

I've been having some anger issues latley. I sometimes get so incredibly angry and I just want to take my anger out on everything but I don't want to hurt the people around me. So instead I scratch myself, a bit to hard. This started happening a little while ago but the last time I got that angry I scratched a bit to hard and the marks stayed for almost week. I didn't really understand what happened. But now whenever I feel uneasy I want to keep doing it. I don't even really feel like I know the reason. I feel like I should be happy. And I dont really feel angry either so I just don't know. I also sometimes when I'm angry or annoyed at myself hit myself in the head or kick something to hard so it hurts

People could see the marks and I told my mom about it. She said that's not good and then didn't say anything else. I've told her before that I've started becoming afraid of my anger beacuse I'm afraid il hurt myself. I told her after we had a big fight that al i wanted to do was slam my head as hard as I could into the kitchen table so it would hurt (witch I ended up doing) but i just don't feel like she is taking it seriously . I mean I want to get help but I don't feel comfortable reaching out anymore because of fear of her like not caring even though I know she does. And I'm going through a bit if a rough patch with my best friend so I have no one else to talk to. Hence this rant to complete strangers who might not even read it. But o well it helps either way.

[babysizedfics]

bee i. dont have the capacity to read back sjdhs i forgot to ask earlier but can u like summarize what happened? 🐝

oh boy oh boy okay okay here i go........ below the cute bc its long and also theres these warnings

tw: swearing (censored), arguments, cyberbullying

roman was in middlespace and put vee in baby jail (his beanbag chair that she is too weak to escape without help) - but later on he did post that he helped her up when she needed the bathroom and when she returned she crawled right back into it

vee went on the blog complaining about baby jail and claiming she was going to share family secrets until roman let her out. she shared that despite saying he doesnt like baby shows roman sometimes watched peppa pig with her and seems very interested in the show even when he denies it

vee claimed to be big and scary, which cowboy anon countered by saying she was a cute little baby. vee argued again that she was a grownup but cowboy anon countered that she can't possibly be a grownup if she's wearing a pullup

then vee playfully (while half regressed and not quite aware) argued that actually she wears pullups when she is big as well, so since she is wearing a pullup now that proves she is big and scary

cowboy anon quickly jumped onto that with "hahaha wait, you still have your little accidents when you're big? ... if you have a potty accident when you're a big scary kitty, do you still need your mama and papa to change your pullup for you? xD"

vee quickly realised her mistake and posted "m think i shard th wrong secet"

but cowboy anon kept going. vee replied to one of their asks with "cotton candy" - which is her and romans safeword they use when roman is teasing or tickling her, but she didnt realise that no one else would realise thats what that phrase means, so cowboy anon didnt realise that was her asking them to please stop teasing her bc it wasnt fun anymore

so cowboy anon said "cotton candy? is that how pink your little cheeks are right now? xD lol, it's a good thing you have your pullup when you're stuck in baby jail- even thought you're too itty bitty to get out all by yourself, you'll be safe if you have another little potty accident when you're stuck in there!"

at this point (off the blog) vee started crying and shaking, and roman noticed and asked what was wrong. when he saw what had happened he became incredibly angry, and its made wors by his middlespace because he cant control his emotions when he feels like a teenager:

"COTTON CANDY IS HER F*CKING SAFEWORD YOU A**HOLE!!"

"Are you kidding?!! NO she’s not f*cking okay, she’s crying because you were bullying her! I told you to not f*cking do that to her I told you!!!"

"You were literally LAUGHING at her for something she doesn’t have control over and she’s super insecure about! Why the f*ck do you think she’s never mentioned it before?! That was literally the worst, sh*ttiest thing you could do!"

"She’s terrified of you now, congratulations a**hole"

he also acted out against anons who were simply asking if vee was okay, but he tried to apologise through his rage. he said he was going to find patton to sort this all out

at first roman was telling patton what happened while logan and janus tried to calm vee down (yes, janus was visiting during this) but patton realised he couldnt be calm about this situation without his baby so him and logan swapped places - ro and logan deciding what action to take and janus and patton looking after a shaken vee

this is the first time janus learns about 1) the baby blog, 2) the fact that vee has accidents even when she's not regressed, and 3) the fact that vee was cyberbullied for months.

janus was infuristed to learn that someone would hurt vee like this, especially without him knowing, so he was driven to make his first post on the blog:

Hello, Janus here. He/him pronouns if you should, dare I say, perceive me.

You may have heard of me, you may not have. This will be the only time you will hear directly from me… or perhaps it won’t. Who’s to say.

Though I for one would like to say this: If any of you ever hurt my child again, there will be absolute bloody hell to pay. - 🐉

Since then it has mainly just been followers sending their support for vee.

another notable thing is patton told the cowboy anon to go and think about what theyve done (in true dad style lol) ans he said in response to a question about whether they had blocked cowboy anon:

That’s what Roman and Logan are discussing, kiddo. Vee has said she wants to think about it, but we’re debating whether this is a serious enough situation where she might not be able to make the decision for herself… I’m sure whatever we decide Logan will keep everyone informed! - 🐶

And..... that's all folks!

[shunsatan]

Headcanons for if Kaidou’s sister got a crush on Saiki

Fic time here we go babeyy. Starring the lovely Kaidou Sora.

It was a rough and cold day. One with winds that whipped you back and forth with no mercy. It was the kind of day that would gain your trust by having the sun tickle your skin, and then destroy the fragile warmth with a booming and freezing breeze. Sora wished she had stayed inside instead of going to the store to buy eggs for her mother. She cursed under her breath as another dreaded wind came and tangled her hair.

"Shun...? Shun!" She spotted her older brother loitering outside of another grocery store.

[[MORE]]

"...Sora?" He jumped, turning to face the smaller female "Oh, hey. Heading home?" She nodded.

"Well, I have Saiki with me. I can drive you home though" he turns to the pink haired boy who was still eyeing a rack of coffee jelly from outside of the store window.

"Drive? You can't drive. This isn't America, dumbass. You're not old enough to get a license and you don't even have any type of vehicle with.... you..." she slowed her words upon seeing him walk up and start a motorcycle with some unappealing (not to mention, chuuni) decorations; only shun would decorate something to look that stupid.

"I forgot you had one.." she awed. Though, the last thing she needed was more wind slapping her face "But no thanks. I'll walk. You don't even have an extra helmet."

Saiki turned to the bike he had been pure pressured into bringing. 'Yare yare' he mumbled as he sat down too fast, causing his head to ache. This place was crowded, so it made sense that his head would hurt naturally- or, that's what he thought until he saw Shun's sister getting kidnapped. Good grief. No way to sit still after seeing that.

'Hey' saiki called out to her, placing a helmet on her head. 'You can ride on the back of mine. It's going to be dark soon and then it'll get even colder.' He said, walking back to his motorcycle.

"Alright, fine" she got onto the seat behind him. Shun smiled at Saiki before starting his bike down the road, and the psychic then followed.

The wind came strong and angry. Sharp and bitter. It threatened to kick her off of the bike and caused her to have to wrap her arms tighter around the boy infront of her. He didn't care much for the wind. Nothing special, no reason for his heart to race because with his powers, his instincts don't sense danger. It wasn't much painfully cold, either. With his pyrotechnics it wasn't a problem at all.

Maybe I should tell him to stop... this is too cold Sora thought to herself

Saiki sighed as he used his fire power very carefully to bring heat to her body as well. He can't have Shun coming to school crying about his sister everyday. Especially when it's so easy to avoid.

This feeling...

Oh no.

it's gotten so warm... next to Saiki.. no, it must be that I... I have a crush..?

Good grief... this is uncomfortable the psychic thought

.....

And in days to come, the Jet Black Wing's sister would come to bother him about his friends. After that, her crush began to develop in a similar way to Chiyo. She would watch him with eyes that saw a round eyed prince. She would admire how smart and well mannered he is, and she would act especially polite when he made his presence infront of her.

Saiki Kusuo, was also thinking about her often. However; not in the way you might be thinking. He was forming strategies on how to avoid her. All of which were miserably failing. With her mother and his mother on her side, she couldn't fail. Discovering his family power structure, she would have Shun call Kurumi (his mother) and invite him over.

And with her own mother bothering Shun to hang out with his two "genius" friends everytime his grades would slip. Of course, Nendou rarely came because he was "always busy" (in reality, Shun didn't want Nendou and his mother interacting anymore in fear of her finding out that he's an idiot)

So, of course, this all worked out best for Sora.

.....

The group of four walked home like usual. Kuboyasu, Nendou, Saiki and Kaidou. They were discussing which character in Shounen Jump is the weakest while Saiki was praying for Nendou to ask them to ramen so that he didn't have to go to Kaidou's house again. Sora had been coming up with gifts for her crush so that he would take notice and start a conversation with her. Of course, she had almost no idea what would peak the boy's interest.

"Hey, Saiki. I thought maybe it would be a good time to ask you" Kuboyasu, the former delinquent spoke up. "Heard there's somethin' weird behind that 100 yen store. Wanna come check it out?" He offered.

Saiki almost shook his head and provided an excuse on instinct before remembering his main goal (to bLow up and act I like dont know nobody aghaghaghaa.) So he simply nodded.

"I wish I could come see!" Kaidou beamed before looking back down to the ground dramatically "yes... I wish I still had time to question those weird things around me... to leisure in activities like such. Though, I have a sacred duty at hand..." he clenched his bandaged fist

"Gotta take a shit? Me too" Nendou chimed in.

"NO, IDIOT! I have cram sch-- I um.. I m..mean I have to meet with the phantom force! Th-that I'm helping train to work as soldiers against dark reunion!!" He stumbled all over his sentence before finally turning his body to strut off over to the direction of his house.

"Shun. I need you to help me with.. homework" his sister quickly requested and dragged him into her room, pushing him on the floor infront of the small table that sat in the middle of the room, just like his.

"What can you tell me about your friends? Start with Saiki kun" she reached for a notepad and a pen.

"Shouldn't you be referring to him as senpai or something because he's a second year?" He mentioned before being cut with her glare. "R..Right! Okay, sorry... he likes sweets an-"

"Sweets and what!? Why'd you stop??" Sora pressed

"Why do you need to know about my friends? Is this a homework assignment..?" He questioned her

"Yeah sure." She rushed "he likes sweets and what?"

"Ohh! I think I remember having this assignment in middle school, too! You're supposed to write about your closest friends and their interests right~?" He thought back to his middle school year and looked at her with warm eyes. Empathy began filling his soft face, adjusting his features on her. "Sora, I couldn't make any friends in middle school either, so...!" He began "I've noticed you've been really nice to Saiki.. so if you want to be friends with my friends-!"

"I can make friends. I'm not some lonely loser like you who needs a hero complex to interact with people his age." She interrupted, sending an imaginary arrow through the highschooler's chest.

"Guh-- well if you don't want my help then in leaving!!" He stood up and caught notice of a small hand stopping him

"Wait! I'm sorry.." She got onto her feet and bowed "I'm just... embarrassed about not having friends." She lied, not wanting her brother to know she had the hots for his bestfriend.

Her phone chimed, once, and then again. It was three of her friends trying to reach her to hang out at the movies. Then she got a phone call, interrupted by another phone call.

"You should answer those" shun said

She hesitantly picked up the phone and answered the call.

"Put it on speaker" her brother ordered.

"...okay.."

<"heyyyy! Sora where have you been? Me and everyone else wanted to go to the movies with you. You're always knee-deep in studying so we wanted to help you relax a bit for once. You've been out of school for like, three days just shadowing and checking out Pk academy. It's still a while before we get into high school, grandma~! Anyway, the 7 of us wanted to show we love you by taking you to see that movie you mentioned wanting to see. So get ready, we want to be there by 7:30"> the girl on the phone ranted on before Sora could speak up against it, and hung up.

".....Shun-"

"SEVEN!?" he exclaimed as Sora rushed into another apology. This must be the first time he's ever made HER scared of HIM.

"Don't apologize Sora!! That's amazing, I'm so happy you have great friends... ahyuuu...." he teared up

"Oh... thanks, I guess"

"But one thing" he said and stopped her from leaving the room

"Huh?"

"Why did you need to know about my friends for that project?" He tilted his head

She looked over to the door knob as if she was begging it for help as her face was overpowered by a dark red hue. "W....we-well-- Sh...shut up! Get out! I need to get dressed!!" She pushed him out.

"Ow!! Ouch~! I'll leave!!" He practically screeched as he was rushed out. "But I'll stand outside of the door until you admit!"

A few minutes later, she yanked open the door and sprinted down the hallway. She knew her small brother wouldn't be able to catch her with how weak and slow he is.

But her little brother could.

She tripped and landed on her face after having her legs caught and wrapped in bandages by Toki Kaidou.

"Now tell me why!" Shun stood proudly over her despite not having done anything.

Toki went back to his room as Sora nearly freed her feat from the poorly tied bandages, that is before Shun, someone who actually knew how to tie a knot, fixed them.

"Fine!! Just let me go!" She yelled at him "I... is there any reason for it? I think he's cool. You can always have new friends. You're just stupid and think that 7 is the max" her face was once again drenched in a dark pink color.

"Oh my god." He said

"What!?"

"You like him!!!" His eyes widened as he stood up frantically. "You have a crush on Saiki!!"

"Yeah, so what about it!?" Sora snapped at him

Shun gasped "Sora!! You're only in middle school-"

"Yet I'm more put together than you are" she said defensively

"But that's still kind of wrong.. we're about to be third years and you're not even in highschool yet..."

"I will be by the time you're third years though!!" She shouted, then slumped down.

"Yes- bu-" he began, getting cut off

"I know. I just... I really like him and I've never liked a guy before. I know it's stupid." She sighed, defeated

"No no, Sora I'm sorry... You can't control who you like, right? I was being mean-" he began

"It's fine, you're right about it being weird. Just untie me so I can go to my room"

"What about the movies with your friends?"

"...whatever"

....

'Yare yare,' Saiki sighed, taking another bite from one of the homemade cookies Sora had anonymously sent him before placing it down and uncrossing his eyes. (he had checked with his powers and knows the cookies were from her)

'I guess it can't be helped' he sighed once more before sending out a telepathic signal

"Sora!" She sang as she knocked on the large door infront of her.

"Hello?" Shun answered and opened the door wider for the girl to come in "you're one od her friends!" He chirped "She said she isn't feeling well enough for the movies; I think you should try cheering her up."

"Oh, okay... um, where would her room be?" Upon entering the house, the girl suddenly grew nervous. For some reason.

"Here, I'll show you" Shun lead her to Sora's door and sprinted away to hide before the girl could knock on it.

"What do you want." Sora snapped after hearing the door knock

"Eek! Sorry, I just.. uhm...wa it's Yui! your b..brother let me in" she stuttered unlike how she spoke on the phone

The door opened and inside was a girl with messy hair and red eyes. An embrace came soon after.

I thought you might've needed a hug... Yui intended to say, but instead voiced out:

"You... h.,,hug. Yeah. Needed yes...mn"

Sora laughed, at first came a weak chuckle, then as the hug parted it became a strong belly laugh (upon seeing Yui's flustered face)

.....

"Shun!" Sora called, making the timid boy jump and start shaking from fear

"Y-yes?" He was sweating bullets

"I'm going to the movies with my girlfriend." She took Yui's clammy hand and headed towards the door.

Shun blinked. "Wh--"