#i genuinely think the cultural impact that tiktok had is

[bakatenshii]

american here and it’s been one hour since my TikTok died ): I have already opened the app like 10 times on accident, the mind knows it’s gone but the body remembers </3

AAAAAA NOOOOO </333 honestly so so heartbroken for you

(　-̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥᷄◞ω◟-̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥᷅ ) when i saw a screenshot of the notif my friend sent me my heart literally sank and it wasn’t even applicable to me?? it’s crazy how integral that app was in our every day lives and i genuinely feel like i wouldnt know what to even do or go from here

[i-dreamed-i-had-a-son]

Broke (2016): BBC Sherlock is a phenomenal piece of media and anything that seems like a flaw just hasn't been fully explored yet

Woke (2020): BBC Sherlock is an incredibly flawed series run by an egotistical writer, it never deserved the hype and is actively bad on so many fronts (especially representation)

Bespoke (2024): BBC Sherlock is flawed and bogged down by increasingly poor writing, which many fans refused to see while it was airing, leading to hugely misplaced expectations (particularly for the final series), AND it has the seeds of some compelling characterizations and portrayals, some genuinely solid performances, and touches--albeit imperfectly--on complexities that are still being discussed today (particularly as it relates to the relationship between Sherlock and John). The huge cultural impact of the show has created a massive pendulum effect in its public perception, leading to most people today remembering a caricature of the show (whether positive or negative) rather than appreciating its nuanced merits and failings...that being said Season 4 sucked

[effervescent-experience]

On the TikTok Ban

Hello, everyone. This is not my usual content. However, as a leftist and someone who has been on the app for a while, I feel that I should address the potential TikTok ban on January 19th and why it doesn’t sit right with me at all. 

I believe that the ban is bad. This is somewhat of a polarizing statement, but I genuinely think that banning TikTok would be unconstitutional because it would undermine American users’ First Amendment rights by preventing freedom of speech and expression. The ban would eliminate a significant facet of popular culture, limit how people can make money to provide for themselves and their families, and prevent citizens from accessing a major news source (I’m not saying you should get all of your news from TikTok, but it does help to bring surface level awareness about issues so people can go out and learn more about them). Doing this on speculation is wrong and will significantly prevent communication and the exchange of information that has become vital in society. 

Speculation and National Security Threats: 

The concern about TikTok comes from its owner, ByteDance, headquartered in Beijing and is therefore legally obligated to “turn over data to Chinese authorities on request.” This would mean that sensitive information about American users could be directly accessed by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP), which could lead to the spread of deliberate misinformation and more sophisticated foreign monitoring of online activity (Espada and Popli par. 3-5). 

To this, I would respond that there is already extreme amounts of misinformation on TikTok within U.S. borders - sensationalist content without actual evidence is an issue. Especially around elections, natural disasters, or events that may trigger an emotional response, there seems to be an uptick in misinformation and disinformation, as people create false news and others repeat what they see because they believe it to be true. Recently, we have seen this with the fires in California and all of the AI videos. This aligns with my point because any foreign misinformation, political propaganda, or sensationalist content would likely be more extreme than but still comparable to the lies already spread on the app for the sake of garnering more views. I cannot deny that political propaganda is dangerous, nor can I deny that the idea of being monitored is extremely frightening, but skeptics and well-informed audiences will do the work to fact-check such content. 

The Spread of Information: 

Because I am not an influencer, my biggest personal gripe with banning TikTok is that it would prevent easy and immediate access to all types of information. Like the internet, TikTok is an incredibly vast information collection about nearly every topic. Look up anything, and you will quickly find infodumps, tutorials, and a large crowd of people who can answer your questions. I was working on an embroidery project yesterday and needed to know how to do a particular stitch. Within thirty seconds, I had my answer and could return to work, saving much more time than if I had gone to Google or this website to ask the same question. 

It’s much more serious than arts and crafts questions, however. On TikTok, people can better understand important events that people in their “real lives” are not offering explanations for. At least for me, this allows for a much more complete account of the event from numerous perspectives, many of which are likely different than my own. Instead of knowing about the event but only understanding how it impacts me, I can form my opinion with reliable firsthand accounts from others and consider how it impacts everyone, not just myself. As a global community, this is invaluable; understanding each other prevents stigma and the pushing of only one narrative. Banning TikTok would eliminate this, leading to a much less knowledgeable audience and self-centered takes on world events. 

Influencers and Creative Spaces: 

This is also an extremely concerning facet of the potential TikTok ban for me. Although I am not an influencer, I understand that thousands of people make their living from TikTok and have no other form of income. I support this fully and think it’s great that people can live comfortably by doing what they love. This is why it’s exceptionally alarming to me to think that if TikTok is banned, these people will be wholly cut off from their careers. Digitally or not, that is not fair to do to someone, though society does not care about that. Twitter user (I am not calling it X because fuck Elon Musk) Spirituali_tea wrote, “So who’s gonna tell the Biden administration that some of us have built our literal careers on TikTok, and if it gets banned, we will actually have nothing?”.

TikTok also serves as a source of income for displaced families, people rebuilding after natural disasters, medical bills, and everyday necessities. For those who say that these creators should “pull themselves up by their bootstraps” and get a “real job,” some people simply cannot because they are disabled, homeless, or otherwise displaced or marginalized. It is unfair that we should be so limited in a society so diverse. People rely on this app; if it is taken away, they will be left with nothing. I’ll repeat it: that’s just not right. 

Additionally, people in creative spaces use the app to promote themselves, bring awareness to their content, and make money. Without it, small businesses and creators will likely get less exposure, meaning some people can no longer do what they love. Artists will likely lose the fanbases they’ve built and a source of income. TikToker la.fumettisa shared a video with the caption, “heartbroken over the imminent TikTok ban, loss of community and income for my small business,” and Tiktoker dollrust0 wrote, “I know it’s just a TikTok ban, but it’s hard not to be sentimental about losing what has essentially been my digital diary for years. I felt seen.” TikTok is an essential platform for artists, creative types, and people who, like dollrust0, want to feel seen.

As someone who loves to write and make things but has chosen not to do it professionally, I find this fucked up to the highest degree. Society encourages art yet takes every opportunity to limit it when done professionally. How will artists bring attention to what they do? How many beautiful, amazingly talented people will we miss out on if the ban goes through? I love engaging with people on TikTok, and as a small creator on other platforms, the thought of losing everyone I have met or interacted with makes me unbelievably sad. 

The Potential Power Struggle and Precedent:

Because the legislation around the bill dictates that the app can stay un-banned if it is bought by someone else within a year, there is a potential that someone who has bought other platforms or shown interest in it could buy TikTok, allowing them to control the flow of information in the United States and narrative pushed out to the masses regarding political events, natural disasters, and controversial topics. Like misinformation, there is extreme danger in only one narrative being told. It prevents the varied perspectives I mentioned earlier and allows the people in charge to guide the opinions of American TikTok users (170 million people, by the way) to garner support for their ideals. This is where a ban such as this becomes dangerous and sets a precedent for censorship in that it allows the government to interfere with the speech and writing created by the people.

In a conversation with NBC News, “cyber-diplomat” Chris Painter, who has worked with the Obama administration, says, “If the U.S. was certainly trying to shut down a social media platform or something because they didn’t like what was being said on it, absolutely our moral authority would disappear…it sends the message that this is acceptable…obviously that deserves an outcry (Collier par. 14-16).” The proposed ban directly infringes on the American right to freedom of speech and the press, whether the Supreme Court rules it to be this way or not. If the ban goes through, we will see this again, potentially sooner than we would like. If it can be bought, it is under threat. 

Conclusion:

Again, I must assert that the looming ban on TikTok is terrible for various reasons. I am wholeheartedly against it for the threat it poses to Free Speech and its similarities to authoritarian control tactics seen with fascist governments. TikTok is about more than dancing or brain rot. It is vital to spreading information and interconnection between people worldwide, bringing people together around common interests. People use it to make their lives easier and, in some cases, possible. For the government to make such an issue of one app based on speculation when the threat of large-scale war is immense, California is burning, climate change is worsening, gun violence is rampant, and people are dying because they don’t have the basic resources they need to live is, quite frankly, extremely scary.

It is incredibly disheartening to think that our leaders care more about a “silly dancing app” (TikTok user not_tgg) than all of the loss and devastation in the world. Writing does not seem nearly enough to compensate for what is at risk, but we must be aware of what is happening. I’ll leave you with a quote from whistleblower Edward Snowden: “Your rights matter because you never know when you’re going to need them.”

References: 

Collier, Kevin. "A TikTok Ban Could Embolden Authoritarian Censorship, Experts Warn." NBC News, 17 Mar. 2024. NBC News, www.nbcnews.com/tech/tech-news/tiktok-ban-embolden-authoritarian-censorship-experts-warn-rcna143476. Accessed 12 Jan. 2025.

Espada, Mariah, and Nik Popli. "Why the U.S. and Other Countries Want to Ban or Restrict TikTok." TIME. TIME, time.com/6263851/why-us-wants-to-ban-tiktok/. Accessed 12 Jan. 2025.

I have fact-checked all of the information in here to the best of my abilities and would never deliberately spread misinformation, but please correct me if I missed or should add anything. Feel free to reply, but please be polite, even if we share different opinions.

[olderthannetfic]

While I love some queer/gay whatever interpretation of stories, especially oldies, I have started to grow a building annoyance with people who's entire "QUEEEEEER suuuuubtext" is built on male figures showing affection directed at another male. Tell me you were raised in a puritanical system where men showing affection is demonized without just saying the fucking words.

"Oh but this man was sad and gave his friend a kiss on the forehead when he died. GAY" In so many cultures kissing is a sign of affection that doesn't translate to romantic love. You fucking think any parent who kisses their child secretly wants to bang them?? Or are only parental affections allowed?

And then you also get some of the dumbest takes when it comes to reading "queer friendships." It's like they don't understand how friendships work at all, so they really weirdly try to frame a completely normal interaction between friends as something... rare or special, unique to the queers. You mean fucking friendships? Are you really that platonically broken that a genuine friendship is somehow something to marvel at? That you cannot fathom a friendship, and the only way you can view friends being... friends, is that there's something queer to it. What I mean is stuff like being emotionally there for a friend, and hugging, or crying together.

Listen, I fucking love queer readings, but it's starting to feel like these readings are done by people who never even heard about literary analysis, who's entire social circle consists of tiktok, insta, and twitter algorithm dreck, and completely misunderstanding basic human interactions in any context.

And why do some people bring in modern queer text, in a way that makes it seem like the newer books somehow had any impact on the old book? Do you know how time works? If anything the old books had influence on the new ones. Like... wtf???

--

[hisgxrlfriday]

RR fans and their scary parasocial ways

So I've been thinking about this for a little while and with the WWWY announcement a lot of attitudes have been re-emphasised online. I love Ryan and I honestly just feel bad- I don't think ruined is the right word nor am I trying to speak on his behalf. A lot of this is my opinion, but also, I'm really not making stuff up I'm just using them to justify my viewpoint. I'm gonna try and break it up into paragraphs, i know i said an essay but I'm in the middle of exams and theres nothing i want less than to write another damn essay.

Without further ado, here's my commentary on fan culture and how it how seems to have impacted Ryan Ross.

To clairfy, I'm assuming he's a bit done wiith the whole fame thing based off how little we see of him- compared to like, Jon.

Initial reception-

Obviously Panic blew up massively very early on, when they were very young. And fans treated them really gross. As a band they were harassed- if someone said to their favourite artist today "I want to lick you" they would get torn up. But there's a video where they talk about these kinds of comments being made to them at shows, and the interviewer laughs. These kids were young. Jon wasn't old enough to drink. And the behaviour was considered totally fine. Was it because they were a bunch of teenage boys, why wouldn't they want hot chicks all over them?

I'm not going to evaluate the effects harassment has. I am, however, sure you can understand. Yes that is just one example. But theres no doubt it happened plenty of times and people did not care. I'll go more into the sexualisation of the members later as well. But yeah. This was the treatment people dished out to Panic, its kinda obviously not cool! This is certainly more general than the rest, btw.

That fan who pretended to be Brendon Urie-

The sheer extent Chelsey Lynn went to in order to catfish Ryan is literally incriminating.

Here are the details: https://www.tumblr.com/pathetic-at-the-disco/171916782926/the-time-that-ryan-ross-was-catfished-by-a-fan

Brendon and Ryan's friendship, according to this, had officially fractured in 2010 and Chelsey wanted to rekindle it. We'll never know the genuine intent and that sucks- not too mention that you could begin to believe that it was driven by a sickening desire to prove 'Ryden'. It sucks that this fractured any chance of Ryan and Brendon hanging again- because Ryan clearly wanted that. And of course, he was so embarrassed. Why would he trust fans, why would he want to interact with anyone after that?

I think its clear that this did have a lasting impact, because Ryan clearly wasnt interested in rekindling the friendship after it occurred, personally I would never want to look at Brendon again after those messages leaked, its just a very personal thing and it sucks. We know that it was awkies between them because of that video from c2016 (made up time based on his hair) where Brendon explains that yeah, they saw each other somewhere and the conversation was super awkward the kind of thing you get from someone you literally toured the world with.

That instance in itself would have been enough for me to flee the country personally, but maybe I'm projecting.

The Milk Fic-

If Brendon Urie knows about it and Gerard Way read it, everyone ever knows about the milk fic. And theres two ways you can address this. I read the milk fic when i was young and it was gross. and then I read it again when I was older and that shit isnt just gross- its like. abhorrent. appalling. offensive. I think the issue with this isn't that its RPF- it's the fact that it is disturbingly vulnerable, highkey is romanticising abuse, and was (and kinda still is) the punchline to too many jokes. Aged 10 I proudly watched 'emo bands on crack' and other videos of the sort a lot, and the milk fic was mentioned a lot. Literally today (october, 2024) I saw a TikTok about it.

I think if i was a celebrity I would want people writing shit about me. Yay for a bit of fanfic. But when the work that is associated with you so broadly on social media is that... blegh. Its like, violating. I love CrankThatFrank, always did, but I'm telling you if Ryan Ross knew anything of CTF's content, which I assume he did based off the interview, Ryan totally knew about the milk fic. And that is no hate, Franks content was banger, and he wasnt the only person who contributed to it. So. I dont know, I dont see why fans would write that, but obviously the only people who would write about celebrities are fans. Its backwards.

[Edit] just proving my point, the photo at the end was posted on Halloween in 2024 and it’s soooo off putting that I’m not even blocking out the user

Conclusion-

I was gonna do a chunk about all his dickriders online but. I hope for their sake and his sake he doesnt see any of it. It's unfortunately embarassing. I'm going to pretend that he is completely unaware of them therefore it cant impact the relationship he has with them.

Anyways. Unsure if the tone of this is perfect, I've not really done a grammar check and I very well could keep adding to this post. Thank you for taking the time to read this all <3 happy to explain my thinking

[soracities]

Ur so eloquent and i love ur posts about the societal pressures associated w makeup!!!! 💗💗💗 u put everything I feel & think about into coherent words and I so appreciate that! Also I would like to hear ur thoughts on plastic surgery bcuz I am also annoyed. If I see that smug smiley little dickhead plastic surgeon tiktoker on my FYP one more time saying “ohhh my patients r beautiful. Anyway here are all the procedures I’m gonna do to alter their ethnic nor unique features and make them look totally different” I’m gonna scream. The patronising pseudo-kindness is almost worse than when he goes completely mask-off about exploiting insecurity - like the vid he made laughing w the caption “when a 20yr old says she’s doesn’t need Botox bcuz she’s gonna age gracefully.” I’ve spent a lot of time cultivating a healthy self-esteem & generally not defining myself by my appearance - yet even I felt a flicker of my old insecurity seeing that post. I block every post referencing plastic surgery and I STILL get them. It’s incessant & so insidious - esp for poc. My 13yr old cousin (who watches lots of tiktok) told me she’s saving up for a nose job and a BBL when she turns 18 and my heart fkn broke. No 13yr old shld even KNOW the term BBL.

I feel so much for your younger sister, anon, because whatever else I may have gone through with my own insecurities at 13 (and they were profound and absolutely did a number on me), I genuinely cannot begin to imagine what it's like to cope with all of that in the age of TikTok and IG and the added pressure of beauty influencers magnifying everything.

Honestly, my thoughts on cosmetic surgery are very complicated--I don't think it's something that's ever going to go away, and to be honest I'm not even sure if it's about that. I know people who've had cosmetic procedures done and I know it was something deeply important for them and I know how much happier and at ease they felt afterwards--I'm not going to judge or begrudge anyone that happiness because the reality is, as much as it would be amazing if we all loved and celebrated ourselves and each other, everyone's individual constellation of insecurities and worries is completely different and not everyone will be able to address them in the same way.

To live in a world where we are not defined and punished for our physical differences would be an incredible thing, but we don't live in that kind of world--and so learning to be at peace with yourself in the midst of the world we do have, learning to accept your body or any individual aspects of your appearance is incredibly difficult--and these difficulties are influenced even more by gender, or race, or the culture in which you live etc., or even just the people around you. Do I wish my friends could see what I see? Of course. But I also don't know what they see, or how deeply that runs, or the impact that has on them. Because I also know that, when it comes to myself, I don't see what they see, either. I've said before that I find prominent noses absolutely beautiful--but I know that I cannot impose this on someone who has had to live their life under constant comments about their nose (or any other feature), to the point where they feel that is all they are to people. I don't condemn people for the choices they make in this, but I do condemn the structures and societal expectations that force some people into certain choices in the first place by normalising this idea that there is a "correct" way to look (and I'm not immune to it either--I have a lot of profound insecurities that are incredibly difficult to get past).

It's very similar to how I view makeup in some respects because whatever choices people make when it comes to cosmetic procedures should feel like choices to them. But not all cosmetic procedures are made equally and my real issue with cosmetic surgery (and in my mind I distinguish it from plastic surgery because they are not the same to me), more than anything else, is when it becomes a tool for upholding and celebrating particular beauty standards that are deeply gendered, politicized and racialised while claiming it is "just" a matter of aesthetics, which is deeply, deeply insidious to me. "Aesthetics" have never been neutral. Even the language we use in talking about it isn't neautral: "fix", "adjust", "improve" etc. Improve according to whom? Why do they decide this? At the end of the day, no matter what you say about the golden ratio there is nothing wholly objective about beauty because human beings are not static Ideals; you cannot distill beauty into a mathematic formula like a conch shell because beauty is not something separate from the thing it occupies. These ideals work for Plato, but we are living, breathing, moving, exsiting in the here and now. A static image of a beautiful woman in a Vogue covershoot is just that: an image. And all the rules that govern that image fall apart the moment the model moves again, the moment she becomes a person again.

And besides, nothing can be "just" aesthetics in a world with the warped beauty standards that we have. There's nothing neutral about nose jobs in a society marred with as much anti-black racism and antisemitism as ours. There's nothing neutral about BBLs in a society that fetishizes black women's (and other woc) bodies as ours. There's nothing neutral about buccal fat removal in a society so plagued by thinness as not just a physical but also a moral ideal. I read a horrifying article on GQ a few months back about men undergoing cosmetic surgery to widen their jawlines so they appear more "manly"--and a surgeon in the article casually said one of these patients also "needed a rhinoplasty" which made me see red: nobody needs their face smashed open for the sake of an arbitrary standard whose very purpose (Beauty) requires the existence, and therefore manipulation and condemnation, of its opposite in order to appear valid. These beauty standards only have value so long as their opposites have no value--but these "opposites" are not disembodied traits: they are real human features that belong to real breathing human beings who have to live surrounded with this rhetoric for their entire lives. There's nothing neutral to me about looking at a human face and dissecting all of its features, ascribing values to some, and disparaging others, as though they exist as separate building blocks you can rearrange at will. In some instances, it skirts too close phrenology for me, and I'm not saying that lightly.

These are some of my thoughts but as I said, my views on this are very complicated and I have to be careful how I talk about some of it because there are some things that genuinely make me deeply angry. Again, I don't believe the solution is to get rid of cosmetic surgery, because I don't think that will ever really work and I think it misses the point--most people will always have something about themselves they'll want to change or just wish was different and for some people more than others they will want to make that change: and I would much rather people have access to legal, qualified, accountable medical professionals when they do. But in cases like your sister, in cases like that GQ article, in cases like that TikTok surgeon (I have no words, anon, truly...), or really just TikTok in general, in cases like ethnic rhinoplasty and eyelid surgery, the fact that the number of people getting Botox has grown since the increase in video calls and Zoom meetings....in all honesty at this point I am just tired and infuriated by our refusal to have an actual conversation about the society these procedures exist in and are normalised within and I'm especially tired when influencers and celebrities make a point of not being upfront about their own procedures. I don't care what people get done or why (as long as its a freely made choice for no one else's sake but yours), but I do care when we make it as acessible as these procedures are now, when they are tacitly (and in some cases outright) encouraged, and yet talking about them or admitting to having had that work done is somehow gauche and I am incredibly tired of it!

[ultimateplaylistmaker]

Genshin Impact

Look the literal only things I know about genshin impact is that one jaidenanimations soundbit that got popular on tiktok and the fact one of my friends got asked if they were a kinnie because they dont like alcohol like two years ago

What even IS the plot of Genshin Impact, I genuinely have no clue

After my deep dive of like 20 minutes into genshin lore below I've got some vague ideas here

Kokichi is a teenager living in Inazuma, however due to his dishonorable nature, tricks, and disrespect for the shogun, he rarely goes into town without a disguise as he is VERY unpopular. He does have a trade though, firework making! He loves making fireworks a lot, and often tries to undercut the more traditional makers with cheaper prices when he does go into town in disguise. His fireworks also make great distracts when he and Dice go to do some shenanigans!

Anyways Dice has a handful of humans but it's mostly made up of the yokai of the nation island thing, as Kokichi has found a kinship in the trickery and more playful attitudes of the yokai, often joking that he CLEARLY is an albino Bake-Danuki actually. He stole a delusion from some fancy looking boring guy who he pickpocketed from and gained electricity powers however using it makes him more paranoid that someone is going to come kill him.

He tries to use it sparingly, mostly for distractions, lighting fireworks, and whatever else he can use to buy a chance to flee. He abhors all fighting, believing any physical fight is only two wrong moves away from a fight to the death, something he utterly despises.

I feel like his main goal is to dismantle the duel system, he finds it utterly horrifying and perhaps even lost someone to it and this further alienates him from the rest of the people. Perhaps someone even tried to challenge him to a duel and he had to make a run for it and that's why he's so distrusting of people? He has some plot point where he has to let his delusion break to save someone and prove that even with his fear he still cares about people so so much and this lets him get an actual proper vision? maybe? I dunno jack shit

I don't know what the playable characters are even doing but i guess he could maybe be one? I dunno, weirdo who lives with the knock off tanukis and thinks humans are dumb violent brutes but he secretly cares so so much

Check under the cut if you wanna see me trying to figure out the plot of genshin

*some frantic googling later*

Okay he definitely a vision

*more frantic googling*

no wait he'd definitely have a delusion instead, he likely stole it, and i feel like it has a side effect of like, making him more paranoid or something? He probably has it on like a ring as a sort of "kiss the ring" mafia reference and also to magical girl pose while he fights and he probably has a plot point where after his delusion breaks he gets granted an actual vision

*more frantic googling*

okay i think when I see crossover art of this people give kokichi electro? and i see no reason to not some of these things do give vague kokichi vibes, honestly didnt even realize this was electricity it was purple so i assumed it was like dark spooky scary energy

this means he's in Inazuma

*more frantic googling*

SCARAMOUCHE AND WANDERER ARE THE SAME FUCKING CHARACTER?! i feel robbed

*more frantic googling*

Okay so its a very samurai esque culture mixed with trickster animals hanging around? I don't think Kokichi would be big about honor and all that I can see him leading a band of misfit like him mixed with some of the yokai that he's befriended by helping them pull some nonsense, he definitely has a clan "seal" he just made one day on a whim and will cry VERY LOUDLY when you point out he made that up

*more frantic googling*

oooo fireworks? Okay, I've got an idea

*more frantic googling*

I still don't know what the plot is

[luckyladylily]

So I'm not an expert, I'm certainly not writing the essays you should be reading, but I'm going to point out that Man vs Bear was not talking about the real experiences of violence against women. It was an internet flame war where people tried to gotcha the other side. One of the arguments I personally saw most often was a comparison of bear attack statistics and homocide rates. Very few people were sharing lived experiences or bringing up pertinent points about rape culture. It was a discourse entirely dominated by people trying to stick it to the other side with the best zinger they can fit in a tweet.

If you go back through the comments on this post one of the most common things expressed is that the person didn't think about the issue deeply at the time, they just reacted. Some people said man because that is what they thought genuinely, some people said bear for the same reason, others gave their answer solely because it would annoy people they saw as the enemy. Overwhelmingly in these notes that is going to be feminists trying to annoy MRAs or whatever, but in less progressive spaces the opposite is true. The common point though is when these people reacted to man vs bear it was exactly that. A reaction, nothing more. No thinking about the issue, no period of reflection, no meaningful take away. Just react. Which is entirely understandable, it was a click bait sensationalist tiktok, a format that doesn't so much push as shove you into a zero critical thought react and throw away mindset. This is what man vs bear was posted to do. Because that causes lots of clicks.

Because everyone is reacting, no one is learning anything, and few if any people are changing their mind or behavior.

So that's number 1. We need a format that invites thought instead of shutting it down. For this I would turn to the Me Too movement as a great example.

The second thing is understanding that sexism, racism, and queerphobia are not separate concepts at all. They intersect in unpredictable ways and can never be easily separated. In a large scope discussion, like basically anything happening on social media, there is just not enough capacity for nuance and the scope is too poorly restricted to laser focus on one issue like that. A better place for that sort of thing is one on one discussions, essays, books, maybe small group discussions or seminars. But if it is on social media, then the format has to be at least flexible enough to allow discussion on how the issue at hand impacts other issues.

Man vs Bear was about as far away from that as you can get, there are many comments on this post (and a few asks I got) where a black person or a trans person felt very uncomfortable (One black man described it as a noose tightening around his neck) but since everyone was in full us vs them mode they felt like they couldn't say anything without being labeled a violent man.

On the other hand, Me Too is again a great example of a movement that had the kind of flexibility a discussion like this requires. It started primarily about women and the sexism they face in the form of rape culture, but the discussion was elevated by other perspectives, shining light onto how racism, queerphobia, classism, etc. influence the issue.

thats all I got for now, but as I said before I'm not writing the things you should be reading on the subject.

So a few months ago there was the discourse about would you rather meet a man or a bear in the woods. I didn't want to touch it while the discourse was hot and everyone dug in hard because those are not good conditions for nuance, but I waited until today, June 1st, for a specific reason.

I'm not going to take a position in the bear vs man debate because I don't think it matters. What is really being asked here is how afraid are you of men? Specifically, unexpected men who are, perhaps, strange.

People have a lot of very real fear of men that comes from a lot of very real places. Back when I was first transitioning in 2015 and 2016, I decided to start presenting as a woman in public even though I did not pass in the slightest.

I live in a red state. I knew other trans women who had been attacked by men, raped by men. I knew I was taking a risk by putting myself out there. I was the only visibly trans person in the area of campus I frequented, and people made sure I never forgot that. Most were harmless enough and the worst I got from them was curious stares. Others were more aggressive, even the occasional threat. I had to avoid public bathrooms, of course, and always be aware of my surroundings.

I know how frightening it is to be alone at night while a pair of men are following behind you and not knowing if they are just going in the same direction or if they want to start something - made all the worse for the constant low level threat I had been living under for over a year by just being visibly trans in a place where many are openly hostile to queer people. You have to remember, this was at the height of the first wave of bathroom law discussions, a lot of people were very angry about trans women in particular. My daily life was terrifying at times. I was never the subject of direct violence, but I knew trans women who had been.

I want you to keep all that in mind.

So man or bear is really the question "how afraid of men are you?", and the question that logically follows is "What if there was a strange man at night in a deserted parking lot?" or "What if you were alone in an elevator with a man?" or "What if you met a strange man in the woman's bathroom?"

My state recently passed an anti trans bathroom bill. The rhetoric they used was about protecting women and children from "strange men", aka trans women.

Conservatives hijack fear for their bigoted agenda.

When I first started presenting as a woman the campus apartment complex was designed for young families. The buildings were in a large square with playgrounds in the center, and there were often children playing. I quickly noticed that when I took my daughter out to play, often several children would immediately stop what they were doing and run back inside. It didn't take me long to confirm that the parents were so afraid of "the strange man who wears skirts" that their children were under strict instructions to literally run away as soon as they saw me.

"How afraid are you of a strange man being near your children?"

I mentioned above that I had to avoid public bathrooms. This was not because of men. It was because of women who were so afraid of random men that they might get violent or call someone like the police to be violent for them if I ever accidentally presented myself in a way that could be interpreted as threatening, when my mere presence could be seen as a threat. If I was in the library studying and I realized that it was just me and one other woman I would get up and leave because she might decide that stranger danger was happening.

Your fear is real. Your fear might even come from lived experiences. None of that prevents the fact that your fear can be violent. Women's fear of men is one of the driving forces of transmisogyny because it is so easy to hijack. And it isn't just trans women. Other trans people experience this, and other queer people too. Racial minorities, homeless people, neurodivergent people, disabled people.

When you uncritically engage with questions like man or bear, when you uncritically validate a culture of reactive fear, you are paving the way for conservatives and bigots to push their agenda. And that is why I waited until pride month. You cannot engage and contribute to the culture of reactive fear without contributing to queerphobia of all varieties. The sensationalist culture of reactive fear is a serious queer issue, and everyone just forgot that for a week as they argued over man or bear. I'm not saying that "man" is the right answer. I am saying that uncritically engaging with such obvious click bait trading on reactive fear is a problem. Everyone fucked up.

It is not a moral failing to experience fear, but it is a moral responsibility to keep a handle on that fear and know how it might harm others.

[calismediadiary]

Youtube! Media Blog Post #5

Before starting this off, I have the perfect YouTube video idea and I desperately need someone to make it because I know it would be a hit. Currently, there is popularity in YouTube videos that are designed as guessing games, blind folded matchmaking, or even for political conversations. While majority of these come from the YouTube account, Cut, other YouTubers have mirrored this format. That being said, I think someone needs to match the Providence College student to the YikYak’s post. Thank you. 

In lieu of the topic of YouTube. It’s impossible to discuss how it has changed media without talking about all it has done for society itself. 

When specific social media sites develop their own culture, sometimes that culture dies out and just becomes a nostalgic aspect of the past. For example, Youtube has gone through many phases where their popular creators happen to fall under the same type of videos i.e. beauty gurus, prank videos, content houses, and right now I believe trending is a good amount of commentary videos. While this phenomenon has happened for many people and subcultures under YouTube. An aspect that deserves the spotlight is how YouTube was able to have true social impact and awareness in the early 2010’s. 

While the content I am going to reference is not one hundred percent a positive outcome, it definitely changed society and brought this initial awareness of where the online aspect fell within the real world. 

As a child who had essentially full internet access and not a lot of supervision, I definitely saw a lot but, from what I hear today, I’m a bit lucky I wasn’t more curious as a child. That being said, the first video I really have consciousness of watching was the Amanda Todd bullying video. The video depicts a teenage girl showing hand written cards about her story of self-harm, depression, and bullying. The video now has 15 million views and is referenceable at least amongst Gen-z. This video was influential for many reasons, it taught a young generation the impacts of bullying in a way that would definitely stick. It also brought attention and support to anti-bullying organizations and campaigns. However, in terms of taking real issues online and adding in a viral aspect. The way social media communities work is that there was an instant capitalization of this kind of video and bullying stories became ‘trendy.’

Another example of YouTube revolutionizing is the phenomenon behind the coming out videos of the 2010’s. These videos began to come in magnitude and is a key aspect of what queer culture is to my generation. I genuinely consider this to be so influential and changed queer culture and queer acceptance. After so many of these YouTubers have gained a fan base and despite that gay marriage was still not legalized in all 50 states, it spoke to an entire generation and gave a voice to the individual. 

In this sense I can see how TikTok has been able to become what it is. With YouTube now focused on bigger productions, the voices of the individual are best shown through TikTok. Instagram’s feed is considered the least authentic, Twitter is now X, and therefore, TikTok is the voice of the individual. 

In the end, our social media landscape is constantly changing but a factor to look at is how influential something can be even when we consider it a ‘dying’ platform.

[iamsumati]

The Art of Influencing: Beyond and Beneath the Glitter

Oh, the internet, that glorious place where anyone with an opinion and an iPhone can become an "influencer." It's a marvel to witness the ever-increasing number of variants in this influential ecosystem. In fields like finance, health, and many new, unheard-of areas that seem to pop up every day, these self-proclaimed experts are spreading their gospel of wisdom. How fortunate we are!

These influencers, or as I like to call them, "saviors of the ignorant," have made it their divine mission to enlighten the masses. Armed with their obsessive thoughts and opinions on their chosen topics, they've become the messiahs we didn't know we needed. Who needs traditional education, peer-reviewed research, or actual experts when we have Joe from Instagram sharing his unique insight into quantum physics, right?

The best part is that these influencers, in their benevolence, have mastered the art of subtly undermining the very foundations of what people believe in. It's like they've read George Orwell's "1984" and thought, "Hey, Big Brother had it all wrong. Let's redefine reality on Instagram!"

You see, the idea that critical thinking and influence go hand in hand is utterly misleading. Why bother with nuanced analysis, fact-checking, or considering different perspectives when you can just listen to Jenny from YouTube passionately explain how the Earth is flat and NASA has been hiding it from us all these years?

But what's even more amusing is how these influencers manipulate our understanding of trust and credibility. They might not have a medical degree, but they sure can suggest home remedies for every ailment under the sun. And who cares about those boring financial advisors when you can invest your life savings in cryptocurrency based on Jake's enthusiastic Twitter rants?

In all seriousness, the rise of influencers in various fields is a double-edged sword. While some genuinely provide valuable information, many are guilty of perpetuating misinformation and preying on the gullible. So, remember, next time you're tempted to take financial advice from someone who uses "To the moon!" as their investment strategy, think twice. And perhaps, just perhaps, consult a professional who didn't get their knowledge from a meme.

It’s fascinating how influencers can craft a captivating narrative around their lives, transforming mundane activities into epic tales of inspiration. And what about the modern-day philosophers who bestow their profound wisdom upon us in 15-second TikToks? Forget Plato and Aristotle; we have those guys, who can provide deep insights into existentialism between dance breaks. Clearly, Socrates was just lacking in dance moves.

Let’s not forget the ever-popular wellness influencers who advocate for all-natural, organic living while promoting their line of overpriced “miracle” products. You see, it’s not about the science; it’s about the Instagram-worthy packaging and the promises of eternal youth. Who cares about evidence-based medicine when you can buy “moon dust” to sprinkle on your salads?

And the absolute cherry on top is the mysterious emergence of “experts” in brand-new areas that didn’t exist a year ago. It’s as if influencers have a magical ability to tap into the zeitgeist and instantly become authorities on topics that seasoned professionals have spent years studying. Move over, historians; here comes the one , the overnight expert in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs.

In conclusion, while influencers can be entertaining and, in some cases, informative, it’s essential to approach their content with a healthy dose of skepticism. As they say, not everything that glitters on Instagram is gold. Before blindly following the digital pied pipers of our time, let’s take a step back, question the authenticity of their expertise, and reflect on the impact of this influencer-dominated culture on the integrity of knowledge and our society as a whole.

[jessicafurseth]

Reading List, Airplane Nap edition.

"I must tell you that in private life I have no patience at all with lunatics." - Sigmund Freud

*

Jenny Odell's book about reclaiming our attention was my favourite pandemic read - her new one is about time, and I am SO stoked. Here's her interview in Wired and also, in GQ: "Everyone Has the Same 24 Hours” Is Not a Good Way to Think About Time Management"

“I did literally all of the things I was told to do to be successful, and yet I still lack stability on so many levels. ... So my midlife crisis is probably me reckoning with these feelings and having to figure out how to move forward and how to modernize my approach and manage my expectations.” Midlife was supposed to come with stability, but for millennials, it's merely another crisis. This Isn’t What Millennial Middle Age Was Supposed to Look Like [Jessica Grose, The New York Times - free link]

The international mystery of ‘the Hum’ [Imogen West-Knights, FT Magazine]

How My Daughter's Rescue Dog Helped Me Deal with Her Addiction [Caleb Daniloff, Runner's World] [via Culture Study]

Meet Marlena Fejzo, the scientist who solved the mystery of extreme pregnancy sickness [Alice Callahan, The New York Times - free link]

"I don’t think a conversation about whether sex work or pornography is good or bad is particularly useful. The conversation I hope to have isn’t about morality. It’s about a blindspot." Beyond Deep Throat [Saskia Vogel, Granta]

If older women like Helen Mirren ‘shouldn’t have long hair’, when do I have to cut mine? Excuse me, whatnow? [Victoria Richard, The Independent]

"I am seeing evidence that people taught knowledge management for its own sake produce unexciting work. This is not a genetic condition. I think they could do better if they wrote what they knew, rather than what they recorded." Notes Against Note-Taking Systems [Saskia Chapin]

Life is easier with a Fake Assistant [Ella Quittner, The Cut]

What TikTok does to your mental health (TL;DR nothing good) [Kari Paul, The Guardian]

Dansk and the Promise of a Simple Scandinavian Life [Alexandra Lange, The New Yorker]

"This has been the biggest revelation to me: just how many drinks I have had in my life that I didn’t really want. Drinking for the sake of drinking. It’s madness. Because, let’s be honest, it is only the first one that has any real impact anyway. The rest is just habit." Adrian Chiles cut back on booze [The Guardian]

London's Overground lines are finally, actually, to be given separate names, and I am genuinely at the edge of my seat. [Jonn Elledge, CityMonitor]

[trickstarbrave]

i think it is a combination of factors tbh. for one online spaces are becoming increasingly censored as is when it comes to discussions of sex (and violence actually but thats outside this discussion rn) so increasingly prudent standards are being adopted as social norms, esp with the rise of centralized social media like facebook and twitter that attaches your name to stuff and things like tiktok which is literally your face talking about these kinds of things. we see this sort of surveillance everywhere now from annoying comments to people literally recording strangers in public

and also there is a specific brand of online activism that has made a chokehold on younger demographics who feel extremely disenfranchised in the current political climate. actually changing things politically is hard. feeling like you have a voice politically is impossible. most young people, especially teenagers without a lot of life experience, don't feel like they have many options of being heard. they are dissatisfied with life but things like protests are met with military levels of backlash by law enforcement as they are hit with rubber bullets and tear gas, among other things.

as an evolution of stuff like "your fav is problematic" (created by a self admitted miserable teenager who felt disempowered), young people are trying to make tangible change in the communities around them in the worst ways possible. callout culture in the mid 2010's was done in an attempt to out genuine predators in online spaces that have been able to run rampant since the dawn of the internet basically, but were extremely ineffective in most aspects (i guess it did get us talking more about grooming and warning signs of grooming but well. very many predators would just change their names and move on to a new community relatively easily). however, it was something that made people feel better, was extremely low effort to spread, and very easy to rally support behind. so policing online communities was what many young people adopted as a method to feel more "in control" and like they were having a genuine political impact. they weren't though.

i also see them reacting to like, what is clearly inspired by problems that existed on the internet in 2011-2014. it's been 10 years and the online spaces have changed dramatically. what were warning signs for predators are no longer the case. the worst kinksters who are rejected from irl spaces are not en mass stealing photos and roleplaying on children's posts like they did on 2013 tumblr. how they operate and find victims has dramatically shifted. but many still operate on the idea if someone is open about kinks or sex online they must be a danger because thats what bad people did 10 years ago and also most "nice" social media like tiktok doesnt allow discussions of sex

lastly, another big part is the centralization of the internet and many young people not knowing how to use various websites. before in fandom spaces NSFW content was restricted from the mainstream on basically their own forums, and fandoms ran their own websites and mailing lists--sometimes broken down by pairing too while they were at it. if you didn't wanna see weird kinky smut for a ship you didn't like, you basically just had to avoid going to the hyperspecific forum website it was hosted on. fandom wars and general wank still existed but it was very easy to avoid things. but websites like twitter and apps like tiktok are algorithm based and prioritize engagement. negative attention is a very good source of engagement too, therefore many people are stuck in circles of outrage, or people simply don't tag stuff so they can avoid it--and that's if people know how to mute specific words or tags and use basic search functions. i've seen younger people in fandom spaces extremely frustrated by the lack of an algorithm on ao3 and actually having to use the search functions to find things because they were never really taught how to use a database. so you have a lot of people being fed a steady media diet of things they don't like, that they don't know how to avoid, and feel like complaining about it and moralizing their position on it are their only options of political activism in change in a way that has a visible impact on their lives.

tl;dr: the internet fucking sucks and young people who feel disenfranchised in modern day politics are fed a steady algorithm diet of things that distress them, are censored on most major social media platforms for daring to say the word "killed" or "sex", and are using fandom spaces to feel like they have a voice. and this is to say nothing of the grown adults on social media who make discoursing on the "opposite side" their full time hobby when really they are only making the situation worse in an effort to feel morally superior

I’d love to see a study done on the rise of demanding and expecting morality in the fiction we consume, to the point where liking, consuming, or creating anything “gross” or “illegal” or “immoral” reveals a desire to want and enjoy it outside of fiction, from kink to dead dove to even just sex outside of a narrative context in some extreme corners of fandom online. where is it coming from? why is fandom today more lenient with physical violence than sexual deviancy? why is fandom becoming more sex negative than ever, and why is fiction being used as a reflection of someone’s wants outside of it?

I don’t have the initiative to do a full fledged research project on this, but someone else should.

[mossmacabre]

the way absolutely no discussion on any complex topic/issue can be had on the internet bc nuance has ceased to exist in the wake of cancel culture lol. like i promise you almost none of these things have the definitive answers you want them to have so badly. not to be one of those people but please fucking turn off your phone and go read a book

[fernstream]

here’s my advice: read a book again and again and again, learning something new about it each time. read it five times before you open another one. pick a recipe you love and make it as often as possible, tweaking spices and techniques until it’s perfect and entirely yours. write it out on a notecard each time and put the final product in a rolodex. you can pass these on to your children! scan them for your friends! think of how lovelier that is than sending them a link to a paywalled nyt cooking article.

spend a month watching a great movie. watch the director’s cut and the behind-the-scenes documentary and then watch the films that influenced it and read the director’s favourite book. work to understand things, and not just the things themselves but the conditions that created them and the impact those things had on the world around them. let those things become a part of you instead of a distraction from yourself. i think the act of loving something should be generative and consuming — it should add something to who you are and lead you to a new understanding of all the parts that were already there. when i scroll on tiktok or whatever, i can’t get away from the feeling that almost nothing there is really meant to be loved — it’s just meant to be snorted, basically, and occasionally get you to buy something.

i remember the feeling of teenage obsession, and i miss it desperately. few things about our everyday lives are more genuinely magical to me than the way that loving something with commitment can rewire your understanding of time: instead of dates or semesters, i can place moments of my early life inside the year where i only read vonnegut, the month i first loved the smiths, the autumn i spent with that rilke poem. it manages to make time physical — it turns it into something that can be tasted and touched. i want my life to be textured by the periods i spent perfecting a stone fruit hot honey cake or watching murder mysteries. wouldn’t it be wonderful to one day taste a cake and remember how you felt in september?

i have many criticisms of rapid-fire, non-stop consumption, but none are so personal to me as this: when we submit to a cultural landscape that tells us to never stop looking for the new shiniest thing, we lose a kind of language for understanding ourselves and others. loving is a muscle that’s been strategically atrophied by a culture of manic consumption and constant availability.

there is so much of everything now that taking your time with one thing — giving it the attention it deserves, when your attention is so valuable a currency — feels like a kind of rebellion. in many ways, i think it is.

— rayne fisher-quann

[deadboyfriendd]

I have this silly little time traveler!reader AU in my brain and I think that Eddie could not handle it. For reference, TT!Reader is from our time and got shot back to the 80s unexpectedly. This is also assuming that the whole time paradox thing and serious implications of time travel don’t apply here.

Eddie tries so so hard to teach her how to drive stick. He’s also mean about it and you and Eddie end up wanting to strangle each other after you stall his van for a third time.

I’m sorry but I was born in the era where VHS tapes were being phased out and I had more DVDs than VHS’s. I can imagine Eddie handing you one and telling you to rewind it and getting absolutely flabbergasted when you look at it confusedly.

He is equally as confused when he asks you about your Walkman and you just hold up your lil iPhone with your AirPods in. He thinks you came straight out of an episode of The Jetsons and cannot fathom how Bluetooth works. You then have to explain to him that you can also use the internet and it sparks a whole conversation about the societal impact of social media and you basically have to do an in-depth thesis about modern life to him. (I’m also aware that there’s no cell towers yet so nothing would probably work but he’d be like a baby with an iPad. Just so intrigued that it can scan your face and that you can TOUCH GLASS AND MANIPULATE IT LIKE WITCHCRAFT)

Sorry but I don’t think anyone from Gen Z would be all that phased by anything happening in the upside down. We’ve lived through several major historical events in our lifetime and an alternate dimension isn’t even that scary.

What would be scary, however, is his reaction when you explain the state of the world today and “HOW can people just leave their kids unattended to run amuck around town with no means of communication?”

Arguing with Eddie about metal would be absolutely hilarious though. Like just getting on his nerves like, “You think Dio is hard? Wait a couple years. You get Cannibal Corpse.” And he goes absolutely nuts.

In the same turn, you would also get under his skin by arguing which album is better. “The Master of Puppets album is the best album yet” he would say, to which you reply, “I don’t know… Garage Inc. was a pretty solid one” and he would stomp and do his shimmy and throw his tantrum because “IT DOESN'T COUNT IF IT'S NOT OUT YET.”

Arguing with Eddie about what music to play and he calls your music stupid and just tearing him apart by calling Metallica “divorced dad rock”.

Constantly having to remind him that you’re not from that far into the future and his belongings are not ancient relics and you’re not entirely clueless about life in the 80s. He’s genuinely surprised you understand his music and pop culture references.

Dropping cryptic little tidbits just to freak him out, like watching something devastating on the news channel and going, “hm. Bradbury was right.” And going about your day while him and Wayne look at each other in the most terrified way possible.

Being CONSTANTLY bombarded with questions from the entire group. You feel like a human history book most of the time. Eddie almost has to drag Dustin away from you. “Yes DnD is still a thing. They have a classroom curriculum for it now.” “Yes I’ve heard of LOTR. There’s movies now.” “All of the drugs Ozzy did are catching up to him now.” “If you think an Atari is cool just wait until you see an oculus”

No one understand a singular vine or tiktok reference ever. “What do you mean they were roommates?” “Wait you took HOW MUCH Adderall?”

I 100% have a lot more to this and maladaptive daydream to this scenario constantly. If this does well I’ll probably write more about it.

[polyadvice]

One of my partners dislikes one of my other partners - what should I conclude about this?

So I am currently in a V relationship (Still have NRE from new partner), but have a few comets that I interact with. One of my partners doesn't seem to like one of my comets and gets mad whenever I had mentioned them. Is this something that you think is problematic? Does this seem toxic or is it more insecurity?

First, I must get on a soapbox. If you want to skip straight to me actually trying to answer this person’s question, scroll down.

I hate to say this because it makes me sound like an out of touch boomer who thinks “cancel culture” is the same as “my grandkids don’t think the tv shows I like are funny,” but I don’t know how else to say it - you’ve got to get off tumblr. Or tiktok. Or whatever corner of advice, language, and ideas you’ve been hanging out in.

Because I can’t actually answer the questions you asked.

First, you described your partner’s behavior in 2 sentences, then asked me if I think it’s "problematic.” I don’t know what that means! Does “problematic” just mean “problem causing?” What is a “problem?” Is it anything that causes minor annoyances, or does being “problematic” mean that something is a serious relationship issue requiring examination and change?

And what does it matter if I, an anonymous advice blogger, think it’s problematic? It’s your relationship! What would you gain from knowing whether or not I think it’s problematic?

What are you really asking me? Are you asking me if I think you should break up with this person? Are you asking me if I think your partner is behaving 100% reasonably? Are you asking me what I think you ought to do in response?

Then you ask “Does this seem toxic” - again, you’re deferring to whatever my perspective is on this issue, like I’m some high court of relationships. Plus, the word “toxic” - what does it mean? It’s just as vague as “problematic,” and I genuinely can’t help you here.

Finally, you ask “Does this seem toxic OR is it more insecurity?” Friend, first of all, you can’t contrast behavior with mental state; those aren’t an either/or situation. People can behave in “toxic” ways because they feel “insecure.” One doesn’t exclude or excuse the other. It’s not like there are two categories of people: “toxic, problematic people” vs. “people who are acting out of insecurity.”

Second, I do not know your partner! I do not know you! I do not know your relationship! You’ve given me two sentences, and then asked me to make a ruling on whether a person is being “problematic” or “toxic,” then asked me to theorize about their emotional motivations. You cannot reduce a person to those labels! People are complex!

The focus on psychoanalyzing the people in our lives and sorting them into neat categories is something I am seeing a lot in corners of the internet that focus on relationships and well being. I think it is an unhelpful worldview, because it leads real people with real, unique, complicated problems to reach out for advice with a framing that will render any answer meaningless.

Here is where I actually answer the question after parsing its framing:

If your partner’s behavior is bothering you, you have a right to speak up about it. And you get to decide how big of an issue this is. If it’s something that bothers you but isn’t feeling like a major unmet need - like, of course it would be nice if all my partners got along, but I can’t realistically expect that, so let’s just agree to disagree and be civil - then you can ask your partner as a matter of politeness to just keep their thoughts to themselves. If they do, great. If they still don’t, then it’s a matter of them being rude and not respecting your reasonable request.

If it’s something that is causing problems to the point that you’re reconsidering the terms of your relationship, or if it’s impacting your relationship in a significant way, then you’ll want to address it differently. You’ll want to be open with your partner about how it’s affecting you, and ask them where these comments are coming from. You two then need to talk about how you’ll manage a relationship where metamours dislike each other like that, and you may even find that you have irreconcilable differences about that.

You can also decide to shrug it off if it doesn’t bother you enough to want to make an issue out of it. There is a wide spectrum of completely rational responses to this situation, depending on your specific individual circumstances. All of it has to do with really concrete questions, like: “How do those statements make me feel?” “Am I okay feeling that?” “What needs to change for me to be okay?” “How is my partner responding to my questions and requests about this?”

Other people might make different choices in your situation, and that’s okay! No one else gets to be the arbiter of what you should or shouldn’t tolerate in your relationships. Focus on what you need and what and how you’re feeling and what you’re doing - that’s the context you need to determine whether something is actually a problem.