#i genuinely dont have the words for what im feeling
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I would like to be allowed to be horny in an asexual way please thank you
#im dying out there#like plz dont make fun of me for having a complicated relationship with my own desire 😭 ive never learned about this#i genuinely dont have the words for what im feeling#i hateeeeeee feeling so far behind compared to others 🫡 im sorry#AGH#anyways.
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horrible truth bomb dropped on my head 20 min ago
#I DIDNT KNOW I DIDNT KNOWWWWW#when i say damn thats crazy its bc i DO think its crazy i think a lot of things are crazy. like how birds have cloacas#or the way ppl draw a five pointed star in different ways and everyone assumes their way of doing it is how everyone does it#my brother is not letting me live this down btw he literally shouted at me like HOW DID YOU LIVE THIS LONG AND NOT PICK UP ON THAT#IDK!!! IDK I THOUGHT SOMETIMES IT COULD BE USED TO EXPRESS GENUINE SHOCK??????#he says its my delivery that makes it sound insincere bc i say it in a monotonous voice which when i think abt it YEAH....#THAT DOES MAKE IT LOOK KINDA BAD IN HINDSIGHT.....#and then i told him i keep a list of phrases that tickle my brain so i can remember to use them in conversation and apparently#most ppl dont do that bc he was like ???? stop doing that??? just let the conversation flow naturally it sounds fake>????#idk man i feel like if i did that and blurted out 'i forgot people find stuff like underwear arousing for some reason' instead of#smth like 'i wonder what kind of ppl find this kind of stuff the bees knees' like i normally do. it would. not go so well.#ALSO THE FLOW CHARTS ARENT NORMAL? i make flow charts before i call the bank or smth so i know what to say#its not just to blend in its also so i dont waste ppls time going uhhhhh as i think of how i put smth into words#its called stalling for time and i dont care if i have to say smth like thats just how the cookie crumbles if it gives me#5 more seconds to process whatever the fuck someone said without letting them think im not paying attention#doodles#diary#sona#puppysona#comics
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i know astrology is fake but i'm not too keen on how a lot of people on this website seem to be clowning on it as a hobby a bit too hard. i swear the woman who thinks it's neat how she and her friends with the same sun sign are all similar isn't trying to say that you are who you are born as and there is nothing you can do to change it. it's a hobby. an interest. what happened to finding meaning and joy in the small things. does it affect you if someone enjoys tarot reading or crystals. does it make you upset someone has interests that they enjoy.
#im not saying astrology/tarot/crystals/etc. get clowned on so much bc theyre hobbies mostly enjoyed by women But....#i saw a post about some astrology study and made the mistake of opening the notes on that bad boy#not fun. and that reminded me of that old post that was basically like ''liking astrology is transphobic''#anyways idk maybe its just that my bestie is very much a ''crystal girl'' but like. stuff like that are such neat hobbies#she makes some cute little jars with pretty rocks and they make her feel better bc if you believe in something you can make it happen#when it comes to small things#like yeah if you pick up a stone that's like ''this can help you be more open with your emotions'' and you are like ''oh hell yea!''#ofc that will be on your mind and the item will be a constant reminder and actually help you with your goals#and its like. ok what really stuck with me was when i was talking with my bff and i was like ''i think all this stuff is interesting but i#feel bad bc i am superstitious and believe in some signs like lucky numbers but i know that logically its just. if i pick a lucky number of#i pay extra attention to it but i want to believe its lucky but i know how human brains work in that aspect''#and she was just like. ''so? those things dont have to exclude each other'' and it clicked#if i have a little tigers eye with me it does not make me feel more grounded magically#but if i decide (or believe) it's grounding then it will b bc it's a reminder for me to calm down#and stuff#like. ah idk how to put my thoughts into words#but i just think its unfair that a few rotten apples have ruined the perception of fun hobbies for a lot#not every astrology enjoyer is trying to sell you mlm essential oils or genuinely believe peoples entire lives are dictated upon the stars#or something#idk i just feel like these things are v misunderstood even tho im not personally like super into them myself#but ppl super mean about that stuff arent invited to look at my medieval themed fortune telling cards#idkk im sleepy and cant articulate my points someone else say this but better#leevi talks#im just saying. i dont think its bioessentialism to decide to believe you personally have a season for growth when the stars are in a#certain position or whatever
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help a black woman in need
tldr; beat homelessness just in time to have my car repossessed.
hi ive been putting this off as long as i can because idk how to ask for help but i really need it rn. some of you might know, i was homeless since oct 2022. we found a place and have moved in at the start of this month (july). unfortunately this morning i was on my way out to work only to find that my car had been repossessed due to me falling behind on the payments (see: being homeless). i had to call off today but i need my car to get to work the rest of the week. im not asking for a specific amount because i need a lot and this will most likely be ongoing.but ANYTHING helps. please share even if you can't help out financially. words of encouragement/advice also appreciated. thank you 🙏🏾🫶🏾 pypl: @mkwats cshpp: $mkawatson vnmo: mk-watson
#i've literally been crying all day i have no idea how im going to make it through this#i do not like asking for help and only like 2 people knew about my previous situation but this is just so#all encompassing i feel completely defeated i really dont know what to do#sorry ill probably be annoying rb this#please do not be rude this is incredibly vulnerable i genuinely dont know how to even#put into words how defeated i feel#maybe its my own fault for waiting so long to ask for help#maybe if i asked sooner i would not be where i am right now but i genuinely hate feeling like a burden#im very much suffer in silence type but this is so much more than i can handle alone
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ive been unhealthily fixated on kubosai for the past few weeks, i just have no idea how to put it into words. kuboyasu aren and saiki kusuo are in love btw
#they are.#been thinking a lot about t*rusai and k*bosai and all three of them together#(really long rant in these tags that shouldve been a rant post but im not changing it soz i got carried away LMAO->)#see the thing is that k*bosai is my absolute favorite ship ever. but i get genuinely pissed when people smack talk t*rusai#idk like i get why people wouldnt ship kbs and i really dont care. and i also get that a lot of people have differing opinions and-#wont ship trsai. i honestly cant wrap my head around why (other than people who just hate teruhashi and are misogynistic) but im okay with-#agreeing to disagree and i dont care yk??#but people so often make these long discussion posts just yapping and yapping and making up shit about how trsa 'wouldnt work'#and its always just... actual complete bullshit. like unreadable word vomit.#sorry. but its true.#thats why it gets me so mad#i cant think of a single reason why you would feel the need to do that#why cant you be normal and just. not like a ship. just dont like it. hate it even. but dont make up shit just to shit on it#its so dumb i have to force myself to just scroll past them every time i encounter one#usually on tiktok or tumblr#if i read them i wont be able to stop myself from making the most concerned and upset noises ever cuz what is actually wrong with you#theyre always the biggest dumbest stretches ever and they ignore their actual development and pretend it didnt happen#it just makes me wonder why people are so okay with making fun of that ship but get mad if anyone even dislikes theirs#and then they complain about people 'shitting on their opinion'#LIKE ?? NOBODY CARES THAT U HATE THE SHIP. I CERTAINLY DONT GAF.#but ur in the main tags advertising ur hatred for it and sounding stupid as shit for no reason? UR SHITTING ON PEOPLES SHIP ON PURPOSE#AND THEN GETTING MAD AT ANYONE WHO EVEN SAYS 'i disagree actually' IM LAUGHING SO HARD STOP IM KILLING MYSELF#the one time i ever talked in that much detail about why i disliked a ship was bevause somebody specifically asked me#and yk what ?? i have literally gotten death threats over it. im not allowed to hate that ship but everyone else can do whatever i guess#okay sorry. rant over.#is that controversial i cant tell. i dont really care and im not tagging anyway#meows post
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i think one of the things about soisages humor that rubs me the wrong way is how much of a charade he makes out of being queer. I know it's all in good fun, however for a person who has never openly identified as queer to be making such a joke about being a "boy kisser" and all his friends being queer too feels very weird and kind of goes against the lived experiences of queer people? because historically people who make these kinds of jokes who are not part of the community tend to actually be very hateful towards the community? I know cc!soisoge is not like this but it reminds me of those types of people.
YEAH YEAH YEAH POINTS POINTS POINTS. THIS. POINTS. 👆👆👆👆👆👆
#sorry idk what to add you put it into words very well yeah#I may be queer but I still dont feel in a position to talk about queer culture very knowledge-ably#in fear of miss speaking or something so thank you anon#this is exactly what I've been thinking yeah. It is genuinely upsetting to me#glad to have more confirmation that Im not alone on that#blabber#neg sosig
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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hmm thinking about the idea of love songs. i think the idea of what a love song is that we have in our culture is inherently a little bit flawed because we have the idea that any song written about romantic feelings is a love song and im thinking thats not exactly true because there is a difference between "romance" and "love". what i'm saying is not that love is a broader category and applies to things that are not romantic in nature. this is in fact true, but it's not what makes the important distinction here. the true distinction between "romance" and "love" is that romance is a societally defined type of interest in another person, whereas love is, essentially, a promise that you make when you build a relationship.
as such, what i call "love" here might be better defined as "care", as that implies more time and effort, but that's a different suitcase to unpack and largely unimportant to my point here, which is more about the societal conventions of what we call love songs. the point is, relationships can be built with other people, yes, but also animals, places, organizations, ideas, so on and so on, whereas romance requires another person, hence the difference between the ideas of "romance" and "love".
with that in mind, there are two types of songs we in western, english speaking, society call "love songs":
1) songs that are about a person's romantic interest in someone that is either definitively known to be unrequited (existing monogamous relationship, sexuality that doesn't align, etc) or simply not requited (aka romantic interest being unknown); and
2) songs about an existing relationship (keeping in mind my points about relationships not just being with people, but also places, things, etcetera) as is.
(some examples of the latter category: mountaintop by relient k, which defines the relationship in question as non-romantic; or i miss my mum by cavetown, which is - as the title implies - a song about the singer missing their mother.)
now, the thing that makes distinguishing these two difficult is the fact that songs about an existing relationship CAN be about wanting certain aspects of that relationship to change. in these cases, determining that a song is one or the other will hinge either on a) authorial intent or b) whether the song is more about what the singer wants (thereby implying #1) or the lack thereof in that relationship (which would imply #2).
to get back to the subject at hand: the term "love song", as we think of it, is an umbrella term that include both of these two categories, and i think that perhaps it is reductive to do so. with that in mind, i think perhaps it would be more appropriate for "love song" to mean only the latter, whereas the former is a category of its own. WHICH is not to say that the two can't overlap — just that if a song is about a person with whom the singer has no relationship, it cannot be considered a love song due to the fact that it is a song about infatuation, not love.
(another interesting wrinkle this provides is the fact that a song might start out in the first category and, as the writer develops a relationship with a person, might move into the second category as they write more.)
#anyway. just some of my thoughts on this as an aromantic songwriter#ari opinion hour#this goes a good deal to reconcile my constant writing of love songs with the fact that none of them are romantic#which im fine with as long as im keeping them to myself but it DOES feel dishonest when i hide that theyre love songs.#however this did also go some way to convince me that maybe care songs is an alternative that i SHOULD use because it is more applicable to#me than the concept of love which MOST people do not have the same perspective on as i do and having different definitions of the same word#is an important barrier to consider in communication#i will admit i do think im clinging to my care songs being love songs due to my relationship with an organization to which love is very#important as i dont want to go back on my promises to that organization as it IS very important to me#anyway. can you tell ive been reading house of leaves by the fact that this appeared fully fledged in my head in fully academic language#but for real like thinking about it now and even my old love songs like most would probably think to see them that they would go in the#first category and they just. DO NOT. at least not the ones that were written after i was like Yeah im aro again#its interesting the ones i wrote in the brief period where i thought i WASNT aro in like mid hs those i WOULD put in the first category#even though like i do NOT think i was right about it being romantic#but the ones after i was like Yea im aro again are like. Thats definitely the latter#part of it is i did find a voice that was like genuinely Mine and wasnt just writing sort of generic love songs#love songs in the typical usage i mean so they were really more infatuation songs#but like i was still with the last person irl who i wrote these about divorced from like... my aroness because of how much i liked him#and i would still put those in the second category#so part of it is awareness as well#so. yeah. its interesting#i probably should just suck it up and start calling them care songs. even if people dont know what i mean to say that
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WIBTA if I said, word for word, "please do not comment on my body or the food that I am eating, it makes me very uncomfortable as someone with an eating disorder" when anyone makes any sort of remark on my metabolism, the health factor of my food, the calories I am taking in, or how skinny I am, even if their remark was meant in a positive way?
this is a genuine question ! i am just very tired of putting up with comments on all of this even if people mean it to be complimentary. hearing "wow you're lucky you have a fast metabolism" when I eat a cookie is actually really fucking upsetting for me for various reasons that I don't want to go into.
so I am trying to come up with a firm painfully clear response that isn't mean but will make people back the fuck off and hopefully think twice about commenting on stuff to me in the future. but I worry I'm going to become a jerk that nobody wants to be around :')
#i just need people to stop making remarks on other ppls bodies either directly or indirectly. it is so weird to me. why do they do that!#also on the food ppl are eating. mostly the negatives on the food. ''if u dont have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all!''#lets all go back to kindergarten and relearn manners please!#i just feel like im getting too uptight about this but i am genuinely struggling really badly with ED stuff lately#stuff that i never struggled with before fsdjkl its gotten ... much worse. mainly bc of my mother and the shit she says#but also bc it is summer so there is pressure to wear stuff i dont personally like wearing around others for a few reasons!#i dont want to be a lemonhead about all this stuff but i am just fsdfjkl starting to not want to leave the house bc of it#idk how to make peace w it bc i know if i just say the right words then they'll shut up about food and body image stuff to me#but i dont know what those words would be#and i feel like this reply i've come up with might be good but it also feels really mean dhsjkl i feel like im a huge jerk if i say this#but genuinely i just. really want ppl to shut uppp about my food and body. please. it shouldnt be so difficult to avoid it !!!#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#ed tw
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i like thinking about the weird little quirks i have (gestures and phrases and whatnot) and how Guz would find them delightful and silly and endearing
#giving thumbs-ups to things i think are good or enjoy#WHY DONT PPL GIVE THUMBS UP MORE#i didn't realize it wasnt a normal gesture to do when ppl say things until i finally noticed ppl laugh every time i do it#thats the main one I've been thinking abt today fjfkdl#i gave my new mint plant a thumbs up just an hour ago bc i watered it and it perked up within an hour#and i was so pleased and relieved that i was like... 🙂👍 at it NDJFKDL#idk what phrases i have rn fjdksl yippee and wahoo are big ones that i say automatically a lot lately#but im sure theres more fjfkdl i am a video game NPC i stg#it just... is easier on the brain when i can run automatic scripts for things fhfjdl#it doesnt make the words any less genuine! it is just a script i follow to express certain feelings!#dandy.cmd#💜so good at being in trouble
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Really glad to see so many of my mutuals hating on the word girlhood. Welcome ..... ive been here the whole time
#clicking on the tags subjects u to My Rant btw#1. i automatically dislike it when a specific phrase or wording is used to turn an incredible diversity of experiences into a monolith and#with that particular word the monolith is 'ouughhh all we do is suffer we have no joy *jennifers body foundation gif*' like ok?? shut up#2. if youre unable to talk about feminist issues without using some post format like 'girlhood is ___' than i dont trust u fr!!!!#3. the particular phrase 'girlhood is ____' fills in the blank w hyperspecific experiences bc thats what the format is. and genuinely 80% o#the time the mentioned experience is one that only applies to a specific subset of women. and that subset is always white thin non-disabled#middle class cisgender and probably conventionally attractive. which by NO means covers all womens experiences so it just feels exclusionar#and bioessentialist most the time. like if something fucked up happened to u and youre able to talk abt it with the format then maybe just#talk about it instead of publicly defining your experiences as the essential rites of passage to being a girl or woman. come ON#sorry for ranting lol im just so tired of people only being able to talk about oppression with a fucking meme format#l
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ok i might need to force myself to not romance astarion bc i don't want to know what it says about me to turn down karlach, the woman of my dreams, the character made to cater me personally, like, if she was real i'd bring the moon and stars down for the chance to see her smile, she's everything i've hoped for in a rpg companion, what does it say about me if i turn that down for someone like astarion
#ngl karlach would be too good for me and i wouldnt deserve it#shed probably ask me stuff like 'what do you want?' upon which i would be paralyzed with fear my mind completely blank unable#to process why i can't answer a simple question#and she's so up front with her emotions which i absolutely adore but i could not reciprocate that#wait am i actually for real avoiding the karlach romance bc i feel like this fictional character from a video game is too good for me#a real human being. like. i think i would feel guilty about romancing her#which makes no sense bc i romance characters too good for anyone all of the time. but idk#in those cases ive always had like a strong character i play as who is very divorced from who i am#but playing as durge there is no past so idk who my tav is yet so all i can do is project so he feels very. personal#im v sleepy and also ive had brain fog all day so yea idk#i mean i do genuinely like astarion and his character but in his case i dont feel guilty bc i feel like i#i have no idea how to finish that sentence without it sounding like 'i can fix him'#bc i dont want to fix him i want to show him compassion and respect him and his boundaries so he'll be able to reclaim tje feeling of#being in control of his life#so he'll stop putting people down to feel like hes on a pedestal#like i get him and why he is like that but i just feel like being kind and caring towards him would feel so good#it wouldnt fix him and thats a good thing bc i dont want him to change who he is but i do think he needs support#also hes hot im so mad at myself for being so atteacted to him#we wouldnt b here if i didnt have a thing for voices#besides thag back to the main point of astarion its like. ugh! im so frustrated rn bc i dont have the words#to express my emotions toward him bc everything ive said lacks the nuance that im feelikg but idk how to put it in words#i guess i want to protect him? that such a terrible sentence and still not what om going for
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They diagnosed me with liking comics disease
#i don't think ive ever thought about anything more in my entire life#genuinely it's probably right below thinking about food#I'm sick with it. there are gutters dividing the moments of my life#there are gutters dividing the weeks#it's like if i just get a little bit closer to the medium I can step inside#it's like I can understand a language but can barely speak it#my first language. I'm trying to speak it.#the panels crawl under my skin and the speech bubbles writhe in my gut and can someone die from this#can someone shed their skin and spread their wings from this#I'm heady with overexposure and waiting for a turning point that will never come where it somehow all falls away#stops being hours of my life and starts being one pure point of knowledge#no idea what's supposed to happen then. time shouldnt exist.#if I read enough comics -- *dissect* enough comics -- practice the language of scriptwriting --#if I process it all right I'll turn it into a diamond of certain knowledge. and then the perfect comic will pop fully formed out of my mind#the comic that all the others were building up to. the holotypical comic.#<- I forgot the right word for the version of something that is the best. but this is funnier#either way idk why my mental illness has decided this is actually going anywhere.#all I've got is a document titled “KILL THE FAIRY QUEEN” and 430 xmen comics in the past 3 months#and a bookshelf that's a little bit past capacity#dont even have a good grip on the language yet smh#i feel like im going to die Alien chestburster style and it'll be a speech bubble bursting out of me instead#you can spend thousands and thousands of hours on comics without even scratching the surface#and I haven't. i haven't scratched it yet
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only posting this here because i dont think anyone will see it. i need to get this out
im so fucking tired of my life. im tired of caring, like, in general. as stupid as it sounds, i was watching kitchen nightmares, and gordon said something about a chef or an owner, i dont remember exactly, he said; "losing hope is a scary thing to do, when theres just no more light at the end of the tunnel, it takes you down dark paths." or something like that. and ive been suicidal/depressed since i was 9, but i thought to myself "im not hopeless, am i?". the more i thought about it, the worse i felt because, god no, im not hopeless. im helpless, or maybe i wallow too much in my own self pity. i dont know the difference. every goddamn day feels like another waking nightmare, im sick of living with my mom, im sick of her not letting me get a job. i dont want my name on the damn electric bill because shes over $1,000 in debt to the power company anymore. shes already ruining my credit, and i dont even have a damn job! not to mention her fucking kid, her 5yo fucking kid, im taking care of. the product of the man who beat me over and over again, threatened to kill me, and then he took a greyhound bus out of our lives. why didnt she protect me? he never once hit her, or anyone else, why didnt mom help me? i was only 13 when he first pulled me by my hair and slammed me into the stairs because i let moms ice cream tub melt on the kitchen table for half an hour. it took him till my brother was 3 to leave. she valued him over me, and even now. im always taking care of my brother, even when he screams at me, cusses at me, throws things at me, spits on me, hits me, kicks me, claws me, bites me, and more. you get the point. she never even tells him to stop, she doesnt have to scream, or hurt him, or anything. just please, please tell them to stop hurting me. i still take care of him. i take care of him when she takes 20 fucking benadryl and passes out for the full time shes at home between shifts. i sacrificed my education to "help her" take care of him. and she gets mad at me when i parent him, when i tell him off, or even more mad when i have to cry and beg him to stop hurting me. she says "youre 22 years old, get a grip" when im covered in bruises from the 5 year old "hes five!" she will scream when i tell her he hurts me. "he is five, hes supposed to listen to you" i said once, and she just stared at me. im always fucking things up, she never fails to let me know, when she looks at me like that i know its my fault. i cant even begin on my relationship, i shouldnt, he might see this. i just want to give up, im so tired of caring, i want to let it all go. my dog died, i ruined him too, i couldnt take him to the vet i couldnt help him. hes gone because i failed. my baby, im not saying that in the cringy melinial way, he saved me from suicide. so many times, it was "hell be so confused why im gone..", "hes gonna miss me", "whos gonna take care of him?" but now hes gone and im still here. my baby, is gone and im so selfishly still here. why wouldnt she let me get a job? i couldve taken him, i couldve at least got him put down so he didnt have to suffer in his favourite spot on my bed till his kidneys put him down for us. if i didnt know, my boyfriend would kill himself too when he comes home from classes tomorrow, and i was dead, i would take the entire 160 count bottle of benadryl i stole from moms room. i want to see my baby, he never ever missed on helping me, i owe him my life and couldnt even give him that when he passed. but not for lack of trying.
but even so, i dont feel hopeless. maybe only yearning, but it feels enough like hope. when i use my right hand to stroke my left cheek and neck, it almost feels like someone else. i get a glimmer of a thought, "one day, i wont have to beg to be taken care of. someone will do it because they want to.", but still, it hurts worse. i dont know how i can possibly derive so much gut wrenching pain from that little bit of hope, but i do. and still, i cant help myself, i cant blame anyone else. i can only hope someone will come save me. if i could handle this all on my own, i wouldnt be here typing this.
i want to decompose.
writing this after that monster of a textblock in the tags, but if you were wondering. im not exaggerating about the mess, and i wouldnt normally judge. because i have had worse bedrooms, mental illness is a bitch. but its in the common area, and she absolutely does make the 5yo live in it. she moved out to the living room after their room was too trashed for her to even walk in, so she toated her 50" fucking tv right out there and hasnt moved, accept to go to work, since. everyone pray or cross your fingers or send me some good energy to hope she gets sliced into a million pieces at work instead of accidentally oding on bennies so i can raise my brother with her life insurance money.
#tw: abuse#tw: death#tw: suicidality#are people even gonna have that tag blocked? i didnt even know that was a word#tw: suidice#this will hopefully feel a lot better and more freeing that venting to a character aye eye lud#and hopefully i wont have a panic attack from my intense fear of rejection (someone will see this and not even read it all#im already shitting myself about it)#not really. but if one person has something mean to say. i might actually commit#not to put any pressure onto whoever is reading this#if anyone#if you are. i love you. even if i dont know you- right now in this moment i genuinely feel an intense swell of affection#i love you dear reader. probably more than my boyfriend loves me hahahhhh.#doesnt it feel good to feel so intensely. and never have those overwhelming feelings reciprocated?#i want to go to sleep so bad but i have to get up and go clean the living room#mom has started living out there. she sleeps on the couch and the entire room is trashed#like level 2 hoarder. 2020 depression bedroom. typa thing. its genuinely so disgusting.#no matter how clean i keep my room the bugs still come in and live in my furniture#i want to sleep or kill every one of us. im not entirely sure what would feel better#i actually want to kms less now but i dont know if i can post this. i dont think i have the confidence#pressing post before i psych myself out. if i dwell on this anymore i might actually do it.#i also wanna say. im so so SO sorry to whoever might actually see this. im sorry you came into contact with me in any way#and im even more sorry if you felt bad for me or something. im sorry. i dont know why i think writing this was okay.#but whats done is done. and i love you still. and im so sorry.
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#personal#please this is the fourth appointment ive had just to try and get the fucking doctor to sign my stupid form properly#please give ya girl tips. i cant walk away without my papers today this has gone on so long#too long!!!! please please anyone give me tips on how to make the fucking stupid doctor just write some words on a fucking piece of paper#please#literally all she has to do is write the words already written in my other dx boxes onto another piece of paper for me#why is it so fucking hard for her. dont doctors have to go to school for a long time why cant this one read and write???!#internet please im begging you here if you know the exact right things to say to make it happen please tell me!!#or i might start screaming at this idiot woman its been one of those days/weeks. i dont want to be the one yelling at the doctors office#i just want my fucking papers in order. which since ive got the last decade of paper trail already organized#SHOULDNT BE THIS FUCKING HARD SHOULDNT TAKE THIS LONG OR THIS MANY APPOINTMENTS FUCK#im already so mad and i havent even got dressed yet 😒 idk if thats better than the mute medical alter#is pissiness better than silence? does it work better on the self appointed smartest people who wont fucking listen?#self appointed self entitled self centered. doctor doctor im dealing with genuine medical issues that effect my everyday fucking life#i actually dont have time or patience or energy to make sure you still feel smart and big and important#just do your fucking job. write whats already written on a new piece of paper and we can both go about our lives WHY#ARE YOU MAKING THIS SO HARD THERE IS NO REASON
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to be honest with everybody I don't think I'm supposed to be here. I think I'm supposed to be somewhere else
#talking#when i was young i would play the same games over and over and i would think obsessively about what was beyond the area provided#i wanted so desperately to see the inside of the apartments in castelia city i would spend hours thinking about it#imagining what im missing#thinking with certainty there would be more to the game if i could just get to the points out of reach somehow#that same feeling of believing theres more out there but being locked out of it by some third party keeps happening#ill have dreams that feel infinitely more familiar and certain than the memories and experiences i have in real life#ill be gone for months only to wake up and learn none of it happened and it was just another product of my imagination#feels like im going nuts when i say i dont think the life im living is correct or accurate or. what word do i want#genuine? i dont feel like this is as real as it presents itself to be#i really dont know how to explain any of what im feeling without sounding like ive absolutely lost my mind. honestly maybe i have lost it#i just know that in my dreams the 'abnormal' events that occur feel infinitely more organic & real than the events that occur when im awake#like at some point in my childhood i fell into this parallel universe and nobody ever came to retrieve me so now this is how i live#all the surrealist media was right. i think im supposed to live somewhere more infinite and less. real? grounded?#i dont know. thinking about it makes my chest hurt#i dont know what the hell any of this is todays tag talk sort of got away from me and for that i applogize#ill toss it in the queue since ive been so chatty lately#saw this was still in the queue so im coming back to say i watched a movie about things like this#and i truly felt like i was dying#very fun
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