#i genuinely don't understand this language and it makes me want to cry but anyway 😂

[dootznbootz]

Odysseus was afraid the entire year on Aeaea in the Odyssey.

Content warnings: Rape, Sexual Coercion, Sexual assault, Sex Work, power dynamics, this will also be long as fuck as I talk too much. This is NOT a "Circe the Goddess Hate Post". I call her out but that's it. I tried to keep this neutral but still making a point (Let me know if I gotta put more)

Lots of lovely folks on here have written great essays on what Calypso did to Odysseus as it's soooo blatantly obvious there. It literally states how he cried every day and how he flinched from Calypso, very straightforward on how he was explicitly raped.

But I've noticed that a lot of people are always iffy about Circe's situation (understandably so, it's not so in your face.) She's usually always mentioned in the "Odysseus never cheated! He was raped!" posts but then the evidence is only ever given against Calypso, and then mentioning how you can't say no or disobey the orders of an immortal and how it was in exchange for freeing his men.

WHICH IS ALL CORRECT!!! But!!!

There ARE immortal/mortal couples who genuinely love each other. Dionysus and Ariadne, and Eros and Psyche are examples. Apollo and Hyacinthus. Psyche indeed becomes immortal eventually and in some versions, both Hyacinthus and Ariadne do too. But even while mortal themselves, their immortal lovers still remained respectful and loving towards them and definitely doted on them. There are definitely power dynamics at play here but there's some nuance.

Odysseus and Circe's relationship, however, is very different. We all know he slept with her at the very least once. And that was in exchange for his men being returned to humans. That was the only time it was explicitly stated. With Calypso, it tells you every night he was enchanted and slept beside her. It was the narrator speaking but Odysseus is the narrator now and it's his story. If you think he lied, this probably won't change your mind anyway.

But even if it was a one-time thing, (which isn't the only interpretation and I will have points that talk about others) then why did he stay a year? What was he doing?

I'm doing a deep dive into the year he spent on Aeaea based on evidence in Book 10 and then the beginning of Book 12. Step by step, and honestly I'm writing this for Tumblr, not as a thesis so I will be a bit more casual but still using sources. To me, it's very obvious that he was uncomfortable throughout the text simply based on the language that is used. But it's very subtle and not an outright statement of "He's been crying every day."

BTW, just so we're clear, this is not a "Circe is the root of all evil, etc." type of post.

This isn't meant to villainize her. She's an immortal being and in mythology that changes things. Everybody is morally gray. I genuinely think if we were to ask her feelings on it, she'd probably be like "Oh, yeah! Turned his men into pigs! Strange little man he was." I don't think she gave a flying fuck.

I just simply get pissed tf off when people think Odysseus was fine. It honestly disturbs me how often I'll go on other websites YouTube and see everyone call him a whore and a womanizer. It's sexism at its finest because 1.) "MaN AlwAyS wAnTs sEx" and 2.) women can't rape/coerce. THIS IS SIMPLY TO LOOK INTO HIS FEELINGS ABOUT IT.

This is also only for Homer's Odyssey, using different translations. If you want to discuss this, (I'd be happy to! Just be nice!) DON'T BRING UP ANY OTHER WORKS.

With all that out of the way, come yell with me 🤗

I've read multiple translations, as I know there's going to be bias depending on who's translating. And having done so, each one has basically the same situations described the same so that's nice for consistency. Also, there are some parts in the story that are vague and that we'll never have answers to.

Odysseus first simply sees the smoke from her chimney and then sends his men in, after drawing lots Eurylochus leads half of the men to check out the house. I mentioned here vaguely how the 2 immortals he sleeps with are both introduced while singing and weaving, which could be seen as an enchantment (which to me is most likely. They both possess magic and are goddesses). So I'm just gonna move past that. Just take a peek and come back or just know that enchantment was likely.

Next, I'll see people often joke on Tumblr about how

"Odysseus says that Polites is his best friend yet only mentions him once!"

I think Odysseus mentions his best friend, the one to jubilantly go in first, to show WHY he would go through with this. How much these comrades mean to him. That's his best friend, and there are approximately 20 others who are now pigs as well. Could you knowingly leave one of your best friends to live a life like that knowing you could've done something?

[...]Circe—and deep inside they heard her singing, lifting her spellbinding voice as she glided back and forth at her great immortal loom, her enchanting web a shimmering glory only goddesses can weave. Polites, captain of armies, took command, the closest, most devoted man I had: ‘Friends, there’s someone inside, plying a great loom, and how she sings—enthralling! The whole house is echoing to her song. Goddess or woman—let’s call out to her now!’ So he urged and the men called out and hailed her. She opened her gleaming doors at once and stepped forth, inviting them all in, and in they went, all innocence.

(Fagles, Book 10)

In the Odyssey, it's never mentioned why she turns people into animals. I think they were turned into pigs because, throughout the Iliad and Odyssey, Odysseus is often associated with boars. His men are associated with him, therefore: 🐖 Piggy. From what we know, the lads were just eating her food. With how much Xenia and hospitality are a large part of the story, they probably thought they were safe. They were GUESTS. This is especially welcome after the Cyclops and the Laestrygonians. And it literally says "All innocence". They were simply naive.

Then Eurylochus runs back, so terrified that he couldn't speak at first. He then begs Odysseus to just leave the men behind. Odysseus has shown that he does TRY to save his men when it is truly not reckless to do so.

But I shot back, ‘Eurylochus, stay right here, eating, drinking, safe by the black ship. I must be off. Necessity drives me on.’

(Fagles, Book 10)

Then the famous warning from Hermes. I've seen folks bring this up when talking about this. YES, he is literally commanded by Hermes to not refuse her if he wants his men back in basically every translation. It sounds like Circe was warned as well. When? We don't know, but it sounds like Hermes didn't pick "sides" here.

Strange that he was still like, "Sleep with each other" to both, because he could've been like, "Circe, there's this guy named Odysseus. When he comes to this island, change his men back." But who knows, maybe it was Circe's idea from the beginning and Hermes went along with it. Just food for thought.

Now here’s your plan of action, step by step. The moment Circe strikes with her long thin wand, you draw your sharp sword sheathed at your hip and rush her fast as if to run her through! She’ll cower in fear and coax you to her bed— but don’t refuse the goddess’ bed, not then, not if she’s to release your friends and treat you well yourself. But have her swear the binding oath of the blessed gods she’ll never plot some new intrigue to harm you, once you lie there naked— never unman you, strip away your courage!’

(Fagles, Book 10)

But that doesn't explain why he was there for a year afterward! Nor if he himself was okay with it, which is what I'm trying to delve into as he wasn't.

Also the knife thing? She's still immortal. It was meant to startle her. Her dad is Helios. Odysseus would've been toast, literally.

Also note this exchange wasn't a "Yippee! Hermes says I'm going to get laid!".

...just approaching the halls of Circe, my heart a heaving storm at every step, paused at her doors, the nymph with lovely braids— I stood and shouted to her there. She heard my voice, she opened the gleaming doors at once and stepped forth, inviting me in, and in I went, all anguish now …

(Fagles, Book 10)

Another translation by Ian Johnston, (they all say the same thing essentially but trying to make a point.)

I continued on to Circe’s home. As I moved on, my heart was turning over many gloomy thoughts. After I had walked up to the gateway                                                of fair-haired Circe’s house, I just stood there and gave a shout. The goddess heard my voice.                      She came out at once, opened her bright doors, and invited me inside. I entered, heart full of misgivings.

HE👏WAS👏SCARED! The tone is solemn and suspenseful. He was just told that without Hermes' help with the root, he wouldn't be able to survive and bring back his men. Circe was dangerous.

He made her swear not to harm him.

Straightaway she began to swear the oath that I required—never, she’d never do me harm—and when she’d finished, then, at last, I mounted Circe’s gorgeous bed …

(Fagles, Book 10)

Please note that she NEVER promised that to his men. His comrades did NOT have moli in their systems. He had no way of truly ensuring their safety in any way from Circe.

He then refuses to eat or speak, literally "lost in grim forebodings". If he "just got laid", then why isn't he happy? Not many men can say that a goddess CHOSE to have sex with them. He did it to get his men turned back. It was an exchange. I don't think Circe is "Evil" so maybe it slipped her mind. Or yes, she could've thought, "Hey, I got what I wanted. He's handsome enough. Homer never shuts up about how hot this guy is He hasn't brought up the pigs yet. I'll just let this play out. Maybe HE forgot. I don't have to do anything." We don't know. But Odysseus probably felt like he got deceived.

"Hey, I did my part of the deal. I slept with you. Now do yours."

She pressed me to eat. I had no taste for food. I just sat there, mind wandering, far away … lost in grim forebodings. As soon as Circe saw me, huddled, not touching my food, immersed in sorrow, she sidled near with a coaxing, winged word: ‘Odysseus, why just sit there, struck dumb, eating your heart out, not touching food or drink? Suspect me of still more treachery? Nothing to fear. Haven’t I just sworn my solemn, binding oath?’

So she asked, but I protested, ‘Circe— how could any man in his right mind endure the taste of food and drink before he’d freed his comrades-in-arms and looked them in the eyes? If you, you really want me to eat and drink, set them free, all my beloved comrades— let me feast my eyes.’ So I demanded.

(Fagles, Book 10)

He doesn't trust her despite what she had told him that he should when they sleep together. He has figured out that while she will not hurt him, his men were not a part of that oath, the men he was trying to protect in the first place.

She is then moved by how they rejoice when they see one another again. While turning people into animals for funsies isn't cool and coercion is fucked up, I think she comes to see this group as not quite friends but I think she did find them entertaining in a way.

This is very strange but I've seen some folks say that since Odysseus was pissed at Eurylochus for still not believing him about Circe is proof that "Oh he was trying to defend her!". Which??? Uh, Eurylochus was literally questioning his leadership as a whole. Calling him reckless and shit. He is captain and he's the King, he can't let that shit slide. The text literally says "Mutinous". Also if I had to sleep with someone I did not want to especially if it was to save my friends and I got called names afterward I'd get fucking pissed too.

Only Eurylochus tried to hold my shipmates back, his mutinous outburst aimed at one and all: ‘Poor fools, where are we running now? Why are we tempting fate?— why stumble blindly down to Circe’s halls? She’ll turn us all into pigs or wolves or lions made to guard that palace of hers—by force, I tell you— just as the Cyclops trapped our comrades in his lair with hotheaded Odysseus right beside them all— thanks to this man’s rashness they died too!

They stay a year. Again it's never stated that Odysseus slept with her that whole time. You could interpret that. (Honestly, I feel Circe would get bored with him? She's a goddess, she's got more important matters than mortal men. And she definitely doesn't love him.)

His men DO have to bring it up that "Odysseus has forgotten his native land." Maybe they thought they could sneak out without her knowing??? I am fucking REACHING but hold on as Telemachus did because he knew Nestor would well, be Nestor and try to coax him with "Have a meal with us! Let me tell you about how badass I used to be in my youth." But to sneak away from a goddess? Without her permission? That won't end too well. Aeolus in the beginning kicked out Odysseus when he tried to ask for another bag of wind. If she didn't want him around, she could literally boot him out. While she didn't force him to stay like Calypso did, she didn't "release" him either.

We don't know if they've been asking for a long time. Odysseus does say to Circe that they have been begging him nonstop, but he could also be saying that to try and convince her. He's good at persuasion. I think while he knew he could rely on her for food, shelter, and good advice, he still didn't feel...SAFE with her. I think he was possibly avoiding her personally.

I think HOW he asks her to leave is important to know as well.

...but I went up to that luxurious bed of Circe’s, hugged her by the knees and the goddess heard my winging supplication: ‘Circe, now make good a promise you gave me once— it’s time to help me home. My heart longs to be home, my comrades’ hearts as well. They wear me down, pleading with me whenever you’re away.’

(Fagles, Book 10)

Throughout all of Homer's works, the characters grasp another's knees when they are desperate and are literally at the other person's mercy. Priam did when begging Achilles for Hector's body back. The man who literally killed his son and was defiling his body by dragging it around. Leodes grabs Odysseus' knees to beg for his life before Ody kills him. If he saw her as a friend, and not a captor, WHY DID HE FEEL THE NEED TO BEG IN ORDER TO LEAVE?! No one, who is in a healthy relationship, has to BEG for permission to leave. Or to "Break up", if you interpret them as still sleeping together.

And even Circe acknowledges that he is there against his will!

‘Royal son of Laertes, Odysseus, old campaigner, stay on no more in my house against your will.

(Fagles, Book 10)

[...]Odysseus, man of many resources, scion of Zeus, son of Laertes, don’t stay here a moment longer against your will

(A.S. Kline, Book 10)

This is probably another reach that you can ignore but the whole "they wear me down", could be trying to appease her. "Look, you're REALLY cool, it's actually my crew that wants to leave hahahah please don't kill them"

I mentioned before how Telemachus snuck away from Nestor but that was simply out of necessity because he needed to go home now. Not rest for the night. NOW. Nestor is just everyone's grandpa. Menelaus kind of talked more but Telemachus is very straight up in "Please I have to go now" and Menelaus immediately got things ready for him. He never has to beg and clasp his knees. Telemachus was never afraid. Menelaus is a fun uncle and Helen is your cool auntie.

Back to Circe! She tells him instructions for the underworld, they were in her bedroom. But that might've been the only way to speak with her. As even Penelope is usually away from the suitors when they are in her halls, Circe may have done the same. The text never states she played hostess physically. If she was hosting in the halls during the day, why did Odysseus wait until night to talk to her? He could've just asked her while she was on her throne in front of everyone. (He did so with the Phaeacians)

Or maybe he went alone because she only swore an oath to not harm him and so he didn't want his men near if she decided she didn't want to let them go. I could be missing something here so feel free to say something. Idk if this was a pride thing on how "I don't want others to see me beg".

She has info he needs in order to go home as well. She tells him to go to the Underworld.

She gave him new fine clothes and put on pretty clothes herself but that doesn't mean they had sex. Nausicaa gave him nice clothes as well but he never slept with her.

Then he leaves. Immediately. Not even doing a headcount as he didn't realize one of his men had died. (That was negligence on his part but he wanted out) He booked it, to the UNDERWORLD BY THE WAY. Circe even had to sneak the animals he needed for the sacrifice. Odysseus even basically said "She's a goddess. She can do things mortals can't" at the end of the book. And it almost feels...Numb? Solemn? Neutral? Gives a "It is what it is" vibe.

But Circe got to the dark hull before us, tethered a ram and black ewe close by— slipping past unseen. Who can glimpse a god who wants to be invisible gliding here and there?

(Fagles, Book 10)

She’d slipped past us with ease, for who can see a god move back and forth, if she has no desire to be observed?

(Johnston, Book 10)

She's a goddess. She has magic. She can do whatever the fuck she wants.

NOW ON TO BOOK 12!!! That was long! GET A SNACK AND WATER! LUCKILY THIS'LL BE SHORTER!

In Book 11, Odysseus swears, upon all his loved ones in Ithaca, to Elpenor that he'd give him a proper burial as he's been "unwept, unburied". So in Book 12, he sails back to Aeaea to fulfill his promise.

But you know what's funny to me?

He didn't tell Circe he was there.

He didn't even go to greet Circe himself. He sent his men to go get Elpenor's body.

The biggest clue that he didn't love/trust her is that if she was his "Affair partner" then why not go see her for "one last night together"?

SHE came out herself and pulled him aside to know what happened and then gave more advice.

I dispatched some men to Circe’s halls to bring the dead Elpenor’s body. [...]

Nor did our coming back from Death escape Circe— she hurried toward us, decked in rich regalia, handmaids following close with trays of bread and meats galore and glinting ruddy wine. [...]

But Circe, taking me by the hand, drew me away from all my shipmates there and sat me down and lying beside me probed me for details

(Fagles, Book 12)

In every translation, it talks about how he sits, and she lounges/lies down. That's not sex 🙃 In some translations, it even says he tried to be with his shipmates but she pulled him away!

So we lay down and slept beside our ship’s stern cables. But Circe took me by the hand and led me away, some distance from the crew. She made me sit, while she stretched out beside me on the ground. 

(Johnston, Book 12)

Then, she gives advice about the sirens, Charybdis, Scylla, and her father's Cattle. He tries to ask if he could save all his men. She scolds him for even thinking he could try. He again books it out of there.

I think we all know it wasn't "love". But I think a lot of people think Odysseus was willing and happy with whatever this was. "Friends with Benefits", if you will. I guess you could see it that way but I will say that makes me feel itchy with the whole power dynamic and fear. I don't think folks who have that arrangement have to beg on their knees to ask if they can leave though.

I mean the entirety of Book 10 gives me the vibes of "Laughing uncomfortably because you don't want to upset the other person". To just grin and bear it.

A lot of this was just putting the text here and picking it apart step by step. What you do with this is up to you. It's rambling while banging pots and pans together.

Maybe you see him as drugged the entire year and still sleeping together, as the moli "wore off". Even then, just because her magic can't affect him, there are plenty of natural concoctions that can be created that can affect mortals.

Maybe you see the entire year as sex work in exchange for shelter and food.

Maybe he was just alongside his men the whole time under her roof and was avoiding her after the exchange. After he got asked by his men to finally leave, he would start to walk up to that room only to freeze and turn around, thinking "One more day won't hurt. Should wait until I know she's in a sympathetic mood".

I beg of you, however, PLEASE understand that there was fear and coercion throughout his entirety on Aeaea. He wasn't staying to get laid. While there is so much going on and too many things that are left vague to really know exactly what happened, it is consistent that he was scared/numb. Lots of people go through with things they don't really want to do just to appease others. There are plenty of situations of sexual trauma where one person goes through something and the other has no idea the other person isn't okay. ESPECIALLY WHEN SOMEONE CAN HARM THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT AT ANY MOMENT!

Sexual trauma is a very complicated thing and while he was scared, he definitely wasn't as traumatized by her as he was by Calypso. Calypso was a torturous hell while Circe was a year of walking on eggshells. Not comparable but I still think it should be acknowledged. It's wild because I read the Odyssey and kept thinking "Y'all are calling the sex slave a cheater? The guy who slept with a goddess to get his men back? The ultimate simp apparently doesn't love his wife??"

Things I'm adding that shouldn't affect the argument as it is not in the Odyssey but I want to mention as it's a "fun fact": Odysseus' dad was an Argonaut. Laertes probably met Circe as well, (or knew of her) with the whole purifying thing and maybe Odysseus heard his dad tell stories of her. Later myths also have Circe with the habit of turning her crushes (or their lovers) into something with Scylla and Picus.

In conclusion, Yeah, he was afraid of her. At least to an extent. And don't pull the whole "Ancient men didn't get raped". Male victims exist and deserve compassion for what was done to them and women are capable of sexual abuse. If you think otherwise, you are not a true feminist and Fuck you. I said in the beginning this'll be casual and I don't wanna write a fancy ending. You can still think Circe is neat but you have to know that this was fucked up.

If you think a lot of this is bullshit or wanna give more context or wish to yell with me but still know he wasn't alright on Aeaea, cool. If you want to point out mistakes or something I should keep in mind with interpretations then feel free to say so but give text evidence. If you try and bring up the Telegony and/or Madeline Miller's Circe, fuck clean off. This is Homer. If you call Odysseus a whore and not the malewife he canonically is I'll start biting. 😤

[m1ssunderstanding]

Understanding Lennon McCartney Rewatch Part 3.1

I thank my lucky stars every night that Yoko eventually got sick of playing secret-keeper.

Paul: I didn't leave the Beatles. The Beatles have left the Beatles . . . John said he wanted a divorce. Alright, so do I. See how they say “Beatles” and they mean each other sometimes?

Derek Taylor on John's position on the break-up: if Paul were to approach him and say “let's do it together again” he probably would; with no more words, he would probably do it. Which is an insane claim to make to a world full of people grieving the greatest band to ever exist unless you are very very sure of that probability. But if it's true that that's all it would have taken, and Paul didn't do it? That hurts my head a little. Do we think he was just hurt too bad to want it back? Do we think he didn't know he had that kind of power? Do we think he was glad to be free of the group?

Ugh my heart can't take it. I'd cry too, John, watching that. I mean look at how they are looking at each other. Look at everything they've lost in a year. I'd bawl like a baby too.

Paul sends John a long, thorough letter, begging for them to legally end their partnership outside of a court. John's run out of cards at this point, but he still doesn't want to lose Paul, so he's just going to play dumb.

This is how bad he doesn't want to lose him, actually: he goes along with Klein in tricking Paul this time. Calls him up and asks him to come to the studio for a jam session, because it'll hurt his case in court. But for multiple reasons – the Eastmans were knowledgeable lawyers, and Paul might not have even wanted to be in a room with John at the time anyway – Paul doesn't come. Which John would've been hurt and angry over, no matter his motives.

"They tell you to stop crying at about age twelve. Be a man. What the hell's that?" I'm so proud of John for his (albeit long and backsliding) journey out of his toxic masculinity and violence. Something I honestly don't see him achieving without Yoko.

And from that quote it transitions to Paul in Scotland, looking like the embodiment of depression, as the opening of “Isolation” plays. It's perfect.

“And don't try to come over here. Or you might get in some trouble.” The way he just froze when he saw them filming him and then the next thing we see is him threatening them? Get ‘em, babe!

John sounds so giddy about this one-upping competition with Paul. I'll scare him and then he'll scare me!

The whole Lennon Remembers era is such a terrible case of diarrhea of the mouth in general, but the amount of homophobic language is quite striking compared to how John talked before and after.

John, talking about George in Rolling Stone: "he was working with two fucking brilliant songwriters and he learned a lot from us." People read that quote and just parrot it like they do with everything John said in this period and act like George had nothing to be angry over. He had every right to be much angrier and hold a much bigger grudge than he did.

And about George's new record, which was phenomenal and brilliant, John is transparently jealous and so cruel. If he'd said that about me and then asked me to play on his new record I'd tell him to go to hell. Why did George do it?

See and everyone who knows John knows how much he loved Brian and to hear him speaking so crassly and cruelly about Brian must've been a sure indication to them to just take the entire interview through that lense of “oh he's just saying shit”. But that's only the people who knew him. Everyone else for the rest of time took this shit as constitutional. And it pisses me off. It should be locked away in a vault somewhere and no one is allowed to listen to it until they've passed some kind of Beatles and emotional intelligence tests.

This crushes my soul. How warped must his definition of love have been by that point that he genuinely believed Phil Spector and Allen Klein loved him more than Paul and George did? It's bonkers.

John in 1967: all you need is love! John in 1971: the point of life is to manipulate people. . . . What the hell happened to you, buddy?

I go back and forth as to who's the smarter PR person: John or Yoko? Because maybe she's right. Maybe they shouldn't divulge that they're master manipulators. But is this one of those times when it's good to be all “look how honest we are about this! We're not hiding anything! We're saying bad things about ourselves too! So you should believe us about everything else!”

Really this documentarian should be hired to make all the music videos for all the Beatles and solo songs. This one for “Too Many People” is perfect. Paul walking into court with a full beard and a confident stride, John and Yoko in bed, Paul horse riding overlayed on Linda's gorgeous face like she's some goddess, designing his fate. All of it is just pure brilliance.

I'm forever laughing at just the title of the song, too. Because to John and Yoko it was so important that they were Weird and Off-putting. Different. Revolutionary. And to say “no. You're not special. There's actually an excess of people like you.” Is so funny to me.

“When she wants an A side, that's when we start fighting.” Oh gosh. Remember how I said he backslides a lot in his feminism journey? Yeah…

Insanity quote Hall of Fame. Yeah, I know he meant to say it's weird to be best friends with a woman. But it sounds like he's saying it's weird to fuck a woman. Which maybe he subconsciously means both idk.

Paul: we need to legally dissolve the partnership because it's the only way we're attached anymore. Ouch. Okay it's true. It's deserved. But that must've stung for the guy who was terrified of losing people. Must've sent him into fight or flight.

I think the point of this framing is to say that if they'd had facetime back then, instead of just crackly phone lines, HDYS would not have been written. Not with those puppy eyes staring him down like that.

Interviewer: the song wasn't even funny though. John: well I think it's hilarious. Interviewer: hmm. Lol I love hearing interviewers talk to John about his lyrics like he's a real guy doing a real job, though. Imagine a music critic now saying John Lennon wasn't clever in his lyrics. You can't, yeah. Me either.

What a slap in the face to Cynthia. Guess she wasn't Cool Girl enough. Should've gone girled him. That would be an excellent fic. Cyn and Jane gone girl their idiot bfs and John and Paul realize they're in love on death row. But anyway, yeah. If Paul would've just pet John's head . . .

Another absolutely bonkers thing to say. That's something the Rockstar’s ex wife says in a documentary ten years after he's dead, not something a songwriting partner says, completely unprompted, in an exiting the band interview.

And then he goes off on what I see as a self-soothing diatribe on Paul the family man. You can see the hoops he jumped through to get himself there. What did Paul want that I couldn't give him? A family. And is that justified? Absolutely not, only pussies and conservatives want families.

Allan Klein: were you and Paul ever really close, then? John: no. John: not that I didn't love him. I did. It's just that every time I let my guard down, he hurt me. Holy shit. At this point, after getting hit in the face with so much of John's Paul-made pain with nothing from the other side but pictures of the happy McCartney family, I'm genuinely feeling quite angry at Paul. Me. An extremely biased Paul girl who knows it's far more complicated and multi-dimensional than this. No wonder the uninformed public fucking hated his guts.

And as they're showing this quote, “I didn't want to hurt you,” plays mournfully in the background. They really are so twisted up in each other there's no separating individual identities.

Okay so he's a psychopath. So what? He's the sexiest man that ever was or ever will be. He's allowed to be a horrible person. No, but really. He's Get Back Paul but healthier. He's done with his depression drinking and he's been spending a lot of time proving he's still useful enough to exist by building fences and shearing sheep.

And this is how Paul talks about George to interviews. John said Klein made ATMP a success but Paul disagrees. "George recorded it all, wrote it all, did it all, wasn't anything to do with [Klein]. It was George's victory, wasn't it?" Compare that to how John does it and tell me again why the hell George is Team John?

What is Paul's obsession with daddies? Actually I know exactly what the obsession with daddies comes from, but we won't get into that here. I do find it interesting that in ‘69 he's saying “we do need a sort of central daddy figure.” And in ‘71 he's deriding John needing one and won't let John's daddy of choice touch him with a hundred foot pole.

I tend to think Paul chafes against authority in general, but that's actually not right. He never had a problem with George Martin. I think it's just abusive authority or authority he doesn't trust yet.

[outivv]

Can we get some separate headcanons of Xiao and wanderer with a Timid but kind reader?

Reader is extremely quite at first but show lots of act of service (like when they were injured, reader is the first one to try to help n stuff), and because of how timid and weak the reader look people always take advantage of themm(￣∇￣+)

It's alright if ya don't want to,have a nice dayy!^^

Synopsis: timid/ quiet reader who’s love language is acts of service!!

Warnings: not proofread

Characters: xiao, wanderer, and dehya

Pronouns for reader: gender neutral/ not mentioned

A/n: hello hello!! Thank you for requesting!! I hope you don’t mind me adding dehya, I just reallllly wanted to write for her :’). Anyways!! Hope you enjoy, and have a great rest of your day!!

— Xiao —

I think your more timid, and quiet personality mixes with xiao’s really well. I don’t know why but it’s givingggg power couple.

Anyways, I feel like xiao is pretty oblivious to your acts of service, he appreciates them but he doesn’t know why you’re doing them you know? Like when you help him with his wounds, or make him food, or do literally anything for him, he doesn’t understand… why.

You hum happily as you tend to xiaos clothes, mending them, and sewing back the tears in his clothes. Xiao watches from afar, seeing you so happy just… doing something for him. He doesn’t get it. Why are you being so nice to him? You even lent him some spare clothes you had, the thought of wearing clothes that are originally yours makes his cheeks flush. “Here you go!! All better now.” You say handing him his clothes and returning his thoughts to normal. Your sweet smile, and the way his clothes are gently folded- it’s all too much.

“Why do you do things for me?” He asks rather bluntly. Your smile drops, “what do you mean?” He glares, not out of malice, but out of frustration. He feels his question is rather silly to be honest, “I mean you help me when I’m wounded, you fix my clothes, you tidy my room at wangshu inn, and I don’t have to ask for any of it. Why do you do it?” Your blank face turns to one of pure adoration, and almost… pity, “because I care about you. Taking care of things, and people- it’s how I show love.” Your response isn’t what he expected, he honestly expected you were doing it an an exchange for your guaranteed protection. But in reality it was just as simple as… you loved him. He took his nicely folded clothes and disappeared, his heart racing, and face flushed. He hoped you didn’t notice before he left. 

I think after that encounter he gets much more flustered, and aware of your acts of service. He definitely appreciates it, and voices that appreciation in various ways. By checking in on you, idly hanging around you more, developing a crush on you you know. Simple things like that :)

He really hates that people take advantage of you, but he’s also very concerned that he’s doing the same… unintentionally JEGJEG. He’s like “that jerk just took advantage of [name] and I know it. Oh my god am I being a hypocrite right now? Am I doing the same as that jerk? Oh…” he’s very self conscious and worried that he’s taking advantage of you without realizing it. He’s not. You know he’s not.

— Wanderer —

Respectfully. He probably has told you to have a spine because of how often people take advantage of you. He’s harsh with his words, but they hold a strange sense of genuine concern, and care in them. He sees how these people hurt you, and he doesn’t want that of course, but he’ll express it in a way that comes off as much harsher than intended.

“I just don’t understand.” You say wiping your tears and sniffling. Wanderer sighs, and moves your hand from your face to wipe your tears himself, “I do. It’s because you don’t know how to tell others to do it themselves.” His usual glare is focused, worry pooling in his eyes, though he hides it very well. His heart may break a thousand times from seeing you cry, but you’ll never know that.

You look up at him, your tear filled eyes, and red face drenched in sorrow, and confusion as to why people are continuously walking all over you, how they have the audacity to do so. “I just… I wanna help people, I want to show them that I care.” You sob harder, your words broken up by hiccups. Wander thinks back to all the times you help him and his gaze softens, “people who have the sheer nerve to take advantage of you, don’t deserve your kindness. You need to actually have a backbone, and ignore them.” His words sting a bit, but you know he’s right. You wrap your arms about him to hug him, a sign of thanks for his advice.

He appreciates your help, and everything you do for him, but he’s the type to be like “no it’s fine I can do it myself” and be all stubborn even if… he can’t do it himself KEVEKEG. It’s rather annoying to be honest, you wanna showcase your feelings for him, and you can only do that in a simple way, and he won’t let you because of his own pride!!

He does let you do some things for him though. Mostly just things he doesn’t necessarily know how to do, like I feel like he isn’t superb at writing. Not that he’s bad at it per say, but he just isn’t great at it. So when you write him things, or write for him, he’s very appreciative. :)

— Dehya —

Strong independent woman!! Who will crumble by the fact that you so kindly do things for her, and enjoy doing them, and ahh. Dehya is a big acts of service person, it’s one of her main love languages too, so if you’re trying to tell her you love her (in a platonic/romantic way) then she absolutely loves it.

Dehya returns to your camp to notice food freshly made, clothes folded, and tents and beds made. “[name] did you really do all this while I was gone?” Dehya asks astonished. You turn around from folding another pair of clothes “hm? Oh yes!! I wanted to get some stuff done so we could enjoy ourselves. We’ve been traveling for a while, and while you were gone completing a commission, I just thought I’d be helpful…” a smile grows on dehya’s face at your words, her heart swells with all the love in the world for you.

I feel like dehya would try to do the same for you in a way. I don’t know how to explain but you both do things for each other, and it’s just a never ending cycle of basically saying “I LOVE YOU” “I LOVE YOU MORE” “NO I LOVE YOU MORE” “NO THATS IMPOSSIBLE I LOVE YOU THE MOST” “NO I-“ you get what I’m saying.

No one dares to take advantage of you, especially by the mere mention of dehya’s name :), so thankfully, you don’t have to worry about that.

[starlostt5]

Jeans

pairing: spencer reid x f!reader

summary: you have a breakdown over finding new jeans

a/n: hello! my first fic on this acc I have a marvel acc that I have neglected so I'm starting fresh! This is for the girlies with killer thighs who I assume have had the same problem as me finding the jeans that fit properly!!!!

warnings: probably mistakes English isn't my first language and also I haven't written anything for months so I'm rusty

___________________________________________

"Fuck!"

Spencer pokes his head from the bathroom at your profanity, checking to see if everything is okay.

"Sweetheart, you okay?"

You look at your boyfriend and he can tell something is wrong, not because he's a profiler but because there's tears threatening to spill.

"These are the fourth jeans this month alone."

The jeans you've just now ripped were the last ones you've had, which only could mean one thing. Jean shopping was necessary.

"Baby, that's okay I'll take you to get new ones. It's okay."

Spencer knows he said something wrong when you give him the look - annoyance and frustration in your eyes.

"You just don't get it."

Maybe you sound dramatic, and yeah, you know he wants to help, but that wasn't what you wanted to hear so you dramatically flop on the bed and sigh.

"Okay, tell me what can I do for you?" You groan into your pillow.

"Nothing Spence, let's just go get new jeans."

Spencer texts Emily that there has been an emergency and he won't be able to come to work today, which you tried to stop him from doing because this could wait - apparently not.

"Let's go." Spencer grabs your hand and leads you out.

Spencer severely miscalculated the amount of time it would take you to find jeans - you did tell him this is a process, but he didn't expect that after 3 hours you've gotten 0 jeans.

"I give up. This is hopeless. " You walk out of the fitting room trying so hard not to cry, but this always happens.

"They don't fit properly everywhere. They are either too tight on thighs or they are too wide on my hips or both, or they're too long or short, they have no pockets and if they do they are too small. Oh and get this, when you go to the plus-size store, they get more expensive. Why?I can't even order anything online because the sizes are different everywhere and I-" Spencer pulls you into his chest and caresses your back, drawing circles trying to calm you down.

He never thought about this because he's never had that issue and now it makes sense you've been upset this morning. Now he was even upset at himself for not understanding earlier.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm sorry I didn't understand. Tell you what, let's take a break for ice cream or whatever you want."

Sometimes, you don't believe Spencer is real and even better he's yours.

"Okay sounds good."

While taking a break, Spencer has been thinking about you and how stressful this is for you both physically and mentally.

"What you thinking about so hard, Doc." Spencer chuckles at your pet name for him, you love Back to The Future and Spencer, well he has some issues with how time travel was done, but he likes the pet name anyways.

"I'm thinking how to fix this. Why are jeans so hard to find? That's not fair."

"Spence, you can't just fix the system. This is just how it is. Besides, this wasn't so bad you were there."

Spencer frowns. How many times have you gone on a hunt for jeans without him, if this was "not so bad" how does it look when he's not here.

"Baby, that doesn't help. Is there anything I can do for you?" Spencer asks, holding your hand.

"Uh, you're the fbi call every single company that makes jeans and tell them to make better jeans." you joke, but Spencer gets an idea.

"You know what you're right."

You look at him quizzically, trying to figure out what your genius is going to do.

"Don't worry about it let's go home we're done for today."

*some days later*

Spencer gets the notification that his package is almost home, and he's genuinely excited for you to get this gift. Unfortunately, he won't be there to open it with you, but he's sure you'll love it.

As if on cue his phone rings.

"Hey, Spence, something arrived in your name, I didn't know you ordered anything?" you look at the box in your hands trying to figure out what it is.

"Yeah, I forgot to tell you." you scoff, Spencer is literally unable to forget anything.

"Okay, I lied, that's a surprise for you, but promise not to open it before I'm able to face time you okay?" Spencer can feel your excitement and impatience from miles away, but after some sweet talking, you finally promise not to even take a peek.

"Loverboy, the surprise go well?" Derek asks, ruffling Spencers hair.

"I don't know yet. I am like 90% sure that she'll like my surprise but there's always a chance she doesn't so." Everyone rolls their eyes at his reply and continue talking about the case.

Finally, after getting to the hotel, Spencer showers and calls you, excited to have you see the surprise.

"Hi, honey." Spencer chuckles at seeing you with a box opener in your hand and box inches from you.

"I wasn't gonna open it."

"Sure you weren't. Go on, baby." You huff and open the box carefully, hoping there wasn't anything breakable. You might have shook it a couple of times but he didn't need to know that.

Your eyes open wide in surprise, you look at the box and then at Spencer and then again at the box.

You pull out the pair of jeans from the box and look at them.

"Try them on."

"Spence what is this?" you ask looking through the box counting 6 pairs of jeans with no tag or size on them.

"They're jeans for you! Remember how you said I'm the fbi and I should call everyone and tell them to make better jeans?" the disbelief on your face makes him smile.

"Well I didn't do exactly that. But... I did use some connections in the fbi. Anyways try them on"

Not knowing what else to do, you just do that.

"Spencer."

"These are perfect like they fit like they were made for me."

"It's because they were, and if some of them don't fit, let me know if I need to have a talk with the person to fix them."

You can't believe your boyfriend literally went out of his way and had someone make you a perfect pair of jeans.

"I... I don't know what to say. You're literally the best and no these are perfect. How?"

"Well, I had Garcia research some people and then I found them and then had Derek meet some of them to threaten them to do a good job and yeah."

He says that like it's the most normal thing to say, like he's listing groceries.

"I love you. Not because of the jeans just-"

"I know, I know, but try all of them on. Also, I personally wouldn't mind if you lost the shirt you know because it's gonna overshadow the jeans you know?"

"Spencer!"

[the end]

__________________________________________

hope you enjoyed.

likes comments and reblogs are appreciated <3

[silentcryracha]

❍ ‗ Love Language (Skz - Maknae line) ‗ ❍

Pairings : Jisung x reader, Felix x reader, Seungmin x reader, Jeongin x reader

Genre/warnings : They all start fluffy and fun and end up smutty, You've been warned. 18+. (eventual specific warnings will be at the start of the paragraphs)

Summary : Specific situations in which I think skz would go feral in. Very easy. Half headcanon/half scenario.

Word count :

A/n : As promised here is the maknae line! Also just wanted to specify that many members may share the same hobbies/passions but of course I tried to switch it up a lil lol. The summary and title suck I know apologies, just read to understand lol Anyways have fun!

ps: There could be errors. Do NOT repost on other socials. Leave feedback if you feel like it, otherwise enjoy! ♡︎

Hyung line here

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Jisung ‗ ❍

Jisung is a nerd (affectionate <3), everyone knows. Now, he seems to be pretty proud of it, and I genuinely get the vibe that he would dislike people who picked on it for no reason. Like, why do you hate fun dude?

And that's exactly why he does like people who are able to have fun with these pop culture/nerdy things like he can. You're automatically a cool person to him. And imagine if on top of that, you maybe even share his tastes AND you're hot?? Then it's settled, you're his.

Watching anime, dramas, movies but also reading manga, manhwas (and so on), but in general indulging into this type of content seems to be both a hobby and a comfort activity for Jisung, so it's natural that he would love to share this with his s/o.

You'd recommend things to each other, both to watch together and separately, or maybe keep up with the same things and then discuss them and your opinions. It would definitely be something that would connect you more on a personal level, too, I think.

Especially since you can learn so much about a person simply by understanding their likes/dislikes, what makes them cry, what makes them laugh ( or *aroused*).

It becomes a natural thing between you two to use this common interest as a way to connect even more and lift each other's mood when you need it. Maybe one day you're being a little sad or disappointed for some reason, and Han would just either drop a very specific reference that would make you laugh or simply suggest spending some time together and relax.

Of course, it would be a mutual thing. You'd absolutely use these little infos about him, like having a particular preference/crush for a character, at your advantage. I feel like that would get him more flustered than he'd like to admit.

This little game would absolutely turn somewhat kinky in some way, at some point. Like role play kinky. It could be in a very random moment, for example you two could be watching something and one of you would go "That was hot. Want to make out?" and then you'd end up fucking on the couch at 4 pm on a Sunday, just because.

Or it could be a planned thing. "I prefer the villains anyway" you'd randomly say during a talk, shrugging casually. And man, would he take notes. Next thing you know he's going to randomly pin you against the wall, a hand sliding lightly up from your chest to your neck, "Do you trust me?" you eyes wide, a little confused but excited, you'd answer "Yes". He'd smirk, proceeding to tell you all the filthy things he was going to do to you.

I am a firm believer that Jisung is a switch so yes the situation could 100% be reversed.

Felix ‗ ❍

With Felix the options could be multiple, but for now let's focus on his 'nerdy' side. In this case it leans more into computers/electronics and gaming, which I think is a bit more specific than something like watching anime.

It's more a relaxing activity and a hobby (one of) than a passion in my opinion, so I don't think that he would search specifically for a s/o was also into these things, but if you were then it would be very cool.

Nonetheless he would let you into these things pretty easily, and you would be happy and eager to hear all about it, of course. At the end of the day seeing him getting excited and enjoying his time was the thing that mattered the most, and you felt good knowing that he cared enough to the point of wanting, or maybe even involuntarily, talk about it with you.

It would probably take a little for him to actually be completely comfortable, meaning that I see him as someone who would not hide his hobby but would try to make it 'cool'. Like, "Me? losing? never" and you'd be like "Sure sweet cheeks" and then just watch him get his ass beat up by the other players. Of course with time you'd earn his trust and confidence enough to be allowed to roast him whenever you wanted to (lovingly ofc).

But you would also be his number one fan! He would love to have you present as a 'lucky charm' or ask a kiss for good luck, to bet with you jokingly, to comment and complain about the game itself or other players and so on. Felix would love to have you around in general to be honest. It would greatly help his mood whenever he got frustrated or nervous for some reason.

He would also find it extremely cute when you got a little clingy, like laying your head on his shoulder or hug him from behind just because you felt like it. He loves getting attention and physical contact with his loved ones, so of course he'd appreciate it a lot.

But of course like all things between couples that are fun and cute, could also very quickly turn into heated situations. "This damn game is pissing me off! And that guy just keeps being so annoying, shit" he'd complain, waving a hand in the air in annoyance. You couldn't help but be just a little amused seeing your cute boyfriend get all worked up, the frown on his face just about as threatening as a kitten hissing.

"Mmh" you'd hum, getting up from wherever you'd be sitting, "I'm going to take a shower now. How about you get a rematch, beat that annoying dude and win for me? Then we can celebrate" his mouth would go slightly agape and his eyes wide looking up at you. You'd just chuckle and get his headphones back up on his head before walking away.

Not even five minutes into the shower he would burst in, undressing himself on the way and join you. "Did you win already?" you'd ask in amusement. He would shut you up with a feverish kiss "No, I got distracted" he'd smirk in between kisses, "Besides that cunt can go fuck himself, I got better things to think of"

Seungmin ‗ ❍

Seungmin would love to have an s/o that matched his vibe. He also has side hobbies outside of work, so for example he would love to get you involved in them. But in general of course you'd make sure to always support him and share his excitement.

That one baseball team that he absolutely dies for played a game and won? Suddenly you become fan number two. Do you give a fuck? Maybe not. Does he know? Of course he does but that's why he'd be ten times more happy if you decided to play along. Also knowing how fast this man can switch vibe, you would trul just wouldn't know what to expect next.

"Didn't you say that you can't stand sports?" you'd roll your eyes at him dramatically, "You little sh-" he'd just laugh and kiss your cheek as a silent thank you. I feel like he would genuinely value that a lot, especially if he knew you only did it for him.

Seungmin would be beyond entertained in a situation in which he was being a little shit to someone and you'd just, play on his team. Either of you could casually drop the most out of pocket comment about something and the other would throw back a smart response and then you'd just keep going. Literal partners in crime.

Again, he looks like a man that has range. From cute, to serious, funny, sarcastic and even sexy. And an s/o that could put up with it and be able to respond perfectly to his mood would make him thrive, I think.

He also seems like someone who wouldn't enjoy having his boundaries messed with, though. If he was mad or seriously anxious, he wouldn't like someone acting off and maybe undermining his feelings. But he'd like someone that would take him seriously and tried to help in practical ways.

This boundaries could also imply physical touch or specific words/behaviours. For example, you could decide to play with his hand in public rather than getting all over him and kiss him. Or again, I feel like he wouldn't be the number one fan of being too cheesy in front of other people, but could very well appreciate it when you're in private.

He definitely has a romantic side to him, so you initiating stuff with him would make his heart flutter like crazy, in the right situation. There could be some exceptions, though. Imagine you're out with a group of friends, and you decide to tease him a little.

You'd lean in and whisper, "Seungie, I'm bored". He'd raise an eyebrow at you, genuinely confused at first, "Is something wrong? Do you want to go home?"

You wrap your arm around his, your head resting on his shoulder "No, I didn't say that. I would just rather to do something else" he was eyeing you a bit suspiciously now, carefully asking "Like what?".

You'd try to hide a smile and respond very casually, purposefully making him even more flustered. "You?" he'd absolutely have to control himself from making too obvious expressions, making you chuckle.

He'd silently curse you for getting him worked up in such a situation, but then after a few minutes he'd casually say that it has gotten late and you should go, or straight up make up an excuse. Now, what happens after and its consequences are gonna be on you and you alone ;)

Jeongin ‗ ❍

Jeongin would probably love to have a s/o that is similar to him. Meaning that he'd probably way more inclined to want spend time with someone that he can share anything with, emotionally, physically, habits wise.

I feel like he values communication and understanding a lot. He would like to have someone who knows him well and with whom he could maybe create some sort of routine? He also is someone who may be a little hard to read, but definitely has different range depending on whom he's with. That alone implies a great sense of trust.

You'd undoubtedly have to keep up with him, though. He seems to be generally a pretty quiet person, but could absolutely get a little crazy sometimes. Like, one evening you'd be quietly having a relaxing time at home and then the morning after, when you wake up he'd randomly go like "So, how about we take the train and visit this place today?"

You'd kind of just impulsively go and have a great time. Regardless. Could be raining, be tremendously hot, super windy. You could lose the train or the bus, drop your ice cream on the floor, literally anything but it wouldn't ruin your day. Because you both have that kind of positive and carefree attitude that makes you match so well.

I feel like he wouldn't ask for anything specific except someone that can keep him in a good mood and be there for him when he needs it. You'd just be a safe space for each other, honestly.

Kinda feel like he's secretly quite affectionate, especially with an s/o and a few other exceptions (kids and animals, lol). Jeongin is clearly a very sweet person in general, but I do feel like he holds himself back a bit when he gets anxious about 'exposing' himself too much emotionally.

Still wouldn't 100% be a very clingy or cheesy person in public, but would allow toned down PDA like holding hands, leaning your heads on each other, sharing smiles. Something a little more specific, is hugging or being closer to each other in a crowded place like the subway, an event, a square and so on.

He would very much appreciate conversation. A kind word, some encouragement, a joke or just you being calm and trying to influence your good mood on him would be more than enough. He would probably be really touched by it.

I feel like you'd have 'your' thing. Like a couple ring, necklace charm, bracelet. Something small and private that only the two of you would 'get', and find great comfort in it.

Let's not forget about his silly side though, this man could be the sweetest angel in one moment and start joking around/teasing you in the next. You'd laugh a lot together, and those would most likely also be the situations in which things could get heated.

Even in sudden moments, just out of pure love. For example, while you're roaming around the city, having fun and just being so full of life and love that at some point it would feel almost...overwhelming.

You'd just look at each other, feeling such intimate connections that you'd probably just spend the whole way back home giggling and exchanging super lovey-dovey eyes. Until you do in fact reach home, and that's where the magic would happen. Could be slow and romantic, undressing sensually and smiling type of vibe, or it could turn into something a lot more passionate and frenetic. You're just going to have to find out day by day with him :')

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

[forwomenbiwomen]

is your bf not gentle with you omfg?? leave himm what is even the point

I KNOW IM EXPERIENCING THE WORST COGNITIVE DISSONANCE OF MY LIFE I'm sharply remembering that I'm not even in my 20s yet (few months to go) and I'm feeling the burn of teenage stupidity rn

Can I rant here? I'm gonna rant here hold on

Ok so without sounding like I'm bleeding out from Cupid's arrow he's genuinely very kind and thoughtful and generous to me, and has done everything right for the past two years where we've not argued once except for a few disagreements that we've mutually committed to solving as soon as possible and to the best of our ability. He's said he's stopped watching porn and I trust him bcs I have to have some level of trust to make it work.

Until this past week where I've gotten the ick. He is in love with me, I can see that. However. He seems to be exploring (?) things? Like he's pushed my head on the bed a bit roughly while we've had sex and put his fingers into my mouth when I don't like it and I've told him that blah blah. He has flung me about in rough ways and he has hurt me unintentionally before. He also does not read my body language AT ALL. It's our working theory that he's a littleee autistic. I come from an exceptionally well attuned family where things go without saying all the time and for him to ignore signals I think are obvious without saying and rude to say is weird to me. Just before, for instance, he kissed me and didn't let go even when I was struggling against him until I actually managed to get out protests. And I've told him to stop licking me which I find gross and violating bcs I hate germs and it's a disgusting feeling on my face but he's forgotten that apparently 🙄 and he'll attack me with kisses until I'm actually overstimulated to the point of freezing up

Ok I'm suffering but I'm gonna keep going whenever I talk about things that affect me emotionally he has to approach the conversation from a "different angle" so he "understands" me but I've come to think it's just exhausting to have to defend my position LIKE BEFORE I was talking about how my male psychiatrist told me I should go on SSRIs I don't want to go on bcs my ADHD meds haven't arrived and it's the next thing he could think of, and when I said I'll talk to my parents about it he shamed me for having "no autonomy". Anyway I told my boyfriend and he was saying well maybe you do need more autonomy and maybe the doctor's right and I was like DAMN. EVEN IF HE WAS I was really stressed and I needed to just have someone to listen to me. When I said this he got annoyed and was like "well do you want me to treat you like I would treat any normal person?" And I was like NO. I want you to treat me like your GIRLFRIEND and offer some support without immediate solutions

Feeling like a knife is in my heart but let's continue he's acting really fucking weird and immature recently, like making weird faces or trying to bite me or lick me like he licked my fucking scalp yesterday and I have never felt such abject cringe. And when I was talking to him before he couldn't seem to get off his fucking Instagram and I had to eventually be like babe no I actually want your attention here hello? But the immaturity combined with all of this has really given me the ick. Like it's just ugly of him when he does these stupid faces and won't shut up making noises.

OH MY GOD I was crying at the gym the other day I've said it on here and when I was home crying about it he wouldn't stop being fucking weird and playing with my hands and I tried to ignore it until I actually snapped and I just cried out "stop it" and he was like "ok well what do you want me to do then" and I was like idk just don't act absolutely oblivious when I'm crying please. And then he'll act like a baby if I'm mad until he decides it's actually serious and then he'll get super disappointed and nonchalant and blah blah.

I think these are the feelings I've been suppressing, actually. I think these are the feelings I don't want to admit to myself bcs even tho I've listed out the worst of him here the positives are so good. I just. Idk.

If I was reading this I would be horrified and disappointed in her that she would put up with this while claiming to be a radfem but obviously I'm not perfect bcs I'm dating a man in the first place lol. I'm better than whatever he's putting me through, and even tho I wanted this whole relationship to be perfect I don't deserve to lie and suppress my instincts and common sense bcs I love him.

I don't know what to say now bcs I'm going to be painfully vulnerable here and say I'm not sure I have the courage to break up with him bcs I do actually love him even tho he's weird as fuck lol. I don't know. I don't know. I'm still young and idk. Idk if I can talk to him about this and sort it out or if he's not worth my time, even tho I wish he was. I wanted it to be him so fucking badly I still do. I think I've lost too much blood from that fucking arrow tho 💘

Sorry anon for ranting I'm sad now I'm going to sit in my room and have a good hard think about this man

[raw-law]

I actually think myself to be pretty good at debates. Its just that i really cant discuss anything with overly emotional people. I know it sounds kind of mean but it stresses me out when I present my logical and well constructed arguments and the other person starts crying?? Like I get being passionate about an issue but calm down I am not attacking you i respect you and am simply interested in your point of view while also wanting to explain my own. Idk maybe its just cause im autistic. This doesnt apply to discussing stuff like basic fucking human rights btw bc if im forced to do that i will definitelly get really angry, but yeah thats a different story cause that kind of stuff shouldnt even be up for debate you know.

-♀️

L:

ahhh. that's understandable though. it can get frustrating when others get are clouded by emotion to listen to any other viewpoint. whenever i'm trying to convince people like that to see my side of things, i usually just try to play to their emotions, vocabulary, etc. to show that i'm just trying to have a genuine conversation with them. usually when you find the right language and tone, they begin to understand there's no threat and start engaging back. that happened a lot with aizawa, actually.

it can be a tedious and very much like walking on eggshells at first, but it's satisfying to see, and makes it easier to understand each other in later conversations. and, when i think about it, it's a little ironic how you have to control your own stress and frustration when the person you're debating starts getting stressed and frustrated too. huh. just noticed that.

anyways. that bit about the anger with debating human rights is absolutely true though. i still don't get why people try arguing those at all.. it's sickening, but sentient flash sacks will be sentient flash sacks, i guess.

Light:

I mean. I suppose I can understand being frustrated when you're trying to explain something to someone in a calm manner and they get so worked up over it they burst into tears...I get why you'd react that way.

I guess you should just try to keep the other person calm? As in, try to take a less argumentative tone, so that both of you are calm enough to present your points on a logical sequence to the other. If they're still worked up, then the only thing you can do is back off.

Another interesting alternative to consider is having these debates over text. Like RD pointed out, it is indeed less taxing emotionally to debate on text compared to in person. And I certainly prefer it to in-person. So...if you really care about debating with the other person, you could try to do it over text.

[i-write-hurt-not-comfort]

What is Subaru and Kou's love language?

that's an excellent question and something i've thought about for kou before. and, well, that was... a challenge. i'm still not sure, so i'll start with subaru because he is nice and easy.

subaru's love language is undoubtedly physical touch.

if you google "subaru sakamaki cg" almost all of them which come up are him holding yui, hugging her or some kind of physical affection. i know all the diaboys hold and hug her etc but subaru is the clingiest motherfucker i know. he's not an acts of service, gift giver and he's not good at words of affirmative at all.

subaru ENGULFS yui at any given opportunity. and a lot of time he's not even saying a whole lot, just holding her. clingy bastard.

even in the non-story games, here he is hugging her again. he's not biting her, not hurting her. not trying to do anything sexual... just, feeling her touch.

then some cute kissing <3

there's also the times he both gives comfort and recieves comfort from physical touch. i especially love the second cg here, he looks so... happy like that ;;

okay, onto kou... ah,

now with kou i did struggle. i think the first thing that comes to mind is gift giving because of how adament he is on "give-and-take" but giving gifts and expecting something in return vs giving gifts out of love are... very different.

and the thing is, once kou is in love with yui and has kind of changed his toxic worldview, i don't recall him showering her with gifts anyway. while kou is quite materialistic himself (splashing out on expensive clothes, watches etc) i don't think it's out of love. plus if we remember in dark fate, when there's the flashback of yuma giving him a sugar cute out of love and kou... genuinely does not understand how that could correlate. so i don't think it's gift giving despite what it may seem on the surface.

furthermore, i don't think kou really cares much about acts of service besides being cooked for. he doesn't go out of his way to do things like that for yui. quality time? i don't think so, especially since characters like shu and kanato really DO rely on her being around to show and recieve their love. kou does get on with his own thing and while there's some cute bonuses scenarios where they shower together or kou crawls into her bed, i don't think that's his love language.

(i love these ones so much)

so with gift giving, quality time, acts of service and physical touch out of the way (because he's just not as clingy as subaru, i don't think kou's love language is physical touch either), that leaves words of affirmation.

and i thought about it, and i think kou's language actually is words of affirmation.

the main things i thought about were the blue sky metaphor - the most important thing he ever said to yui, in my opinion, is "you're my blue sky"

... in this beautiful scenes where he's crying! i think having the magic eye probably distanced kou from this for a while but he only learns how to trust and love again by believing yui's words of affirmation to him (yui's love language is words of affirmation too, definitely). if words of affirmation weren’t his love language, i don’t think the magic eye would’ve been as important as it was. but he wanted to hear the feelings he was reading in her mind.

i don't know, but after their relationship grew healthier, kou was definitely faster to tell yui exactly what he loves about her. he likes compliments, we know that, and he's working in an industry where he's showering with compliments on a daily basis.

kou took time to show his love language i think, simply because he didn't know how to love or be loved.

but he gets better at telling yui exactly how much he loves her.

and the one other thing which leads me nicely onto subakou...

in lost eden when yui asks kou to cheer subaru up, what does he do? he decides to talk to him, give him so verbal reassurance that everything is okay. and the fact he managed to make subaru smile, idk, kou looks so happy with himself.

so, subakou...

i think there would be some challenges actually, because subaru is really bad at words of affirmation. it takes like 4 games to actually tell yui how he feels and then in lost eden he waits through a lot of suffering to actually tell yui what good she’s done for him. yui tries to talk to him with words of affirmation and generally subaru isn’t good at receiving that. 

because kou is pretty bad at trusting people anyway, i think he’d struggle with subaru not telling him how he feels. especially if kou tells him something he loves about him and subaru doesn’t say anything back. i think they’d have to have a serious conversation where subaru explains he’s just not good at receiving or giving compliments. 

on the other side, i think kou would be pretty good at receiving subaru’s clingy self and he’d definitely be up for cuddles. eventually i think he’d come to learn that subaru does love him and he is showing that in his own way, but i also think kou would try really, really hard to get subaru to deliver words of affirmation. 

i think the first time kou tells subaru that he is his blue sky, subaru would be so confused and i think kou would be a little offended by that. 

it’d take a while, but i think they’d get there eventually. imagine them just lying in bed together, telling each other the things they like about each other, subaru is blushing madly and kou is snickering the whole way through. then they kiss, aww... i wrote something similar for elliot and leo in pandora hearts and i should definitely write a subakou rendition. 

if anyone has any different ideas about kou’s love language please tell me because this was a STRUGGLE.

[campgender]

ROY KENT? toxic masculinity-roy fuckin kent? oh hell nah, sorry in advance, this is gonna be long, you just jinxed yourself mentioning that. ;_; whoever said that did NOT watch enough of that boy because his masculinity is beautiful and there's genuinely nothing toxic about it at all. like, we did not watch him suck all his bitchiness up to have a relationship with his girl just for him to get called toxic. not to mention...

FIRST on my list of his display's of butchness: this is Roy "I gave my girlfriend head while she watched a video of me crying my head off" fuckin Kent! Y'all are not gonna pin him for toxic masculinity, c'mon. If that ain't the most butch-ass shit I've ever heard of...

SECOND: I'd put a lot more weight into the suggestion of toxic masculinity if he'd stayed the way he'd been at the beginning of the show but this is a man who grew a fuck-ton even in just the first couple episodes, not to mention throughout the show (which I haven't finished).

He's not a bully, which is surprising for such a hyper-masculine character. Hair as far as the eye can see, with a beard, furry thighs and arms, a low growly voice-But for all his swearing and other foul language, he isn't a bully. He doesn't pretend, he says no, and he sets clear boundaries, but even with children who he has loads of power over, he's very careful to never cross the line into bullying. He jokes, clearly knowing the children, barking orders and playing ball. He has a niece and even though he doesn't understand the book wrinkle in time, he reads it to her and only after getting three quarters through does he go to ted to demand what the fuck its supposed to be about.

THIRD: the way sometimes he looses speech and yet he STILL. FUCKING. COMMUNICATES. beautiful. Which rolls straight into FOUR, which is the way he communicates! He's very clear, very blunt, obviously. But its not just that. Its how as we get to know Roy Kent, more and more, we see how when he gets overwhelmed or annoyed, he often steps back from the situation so that he doesn't blow his temper at someone he likes or someone who doesn't deserve it...which is very, dare I say it? chivalrous! Its not a word you think when you think of roy kent, but he is! He's chivalrous! He isn't quite comfortable around rebecca, think of early season 2, but when he sees she needs it, he tells her she deserves the goddamn world in a partner, not just "fine", and he didn't tell her that because he had to! Keeley would've left it and he could've gotten away with a minimal answer. He told her because she deserved to hear it and he knew that and he's a fucking kind person!

just like that time at the end of season 1 when he and keeley were photographed by that man and he stole the photos and then handed them to keeley and gave the man back his camera. he could've smashed the fuckin camera. he's exactly the type of person to smash the camera! but he didn't. why? because they cost a shit-ton of money and because he wanted keeley to have photos of their first date. ;_; its called CHIVALRY. which. is. BUTCH. AS. FUCK. need i go on?

roy kent's masculinity is beautiful, it's a joy to behold, it's butch as hell, thank you, i hope you don't mind me dropping an essay in your askbox, sorry abt that.

OH SHIT YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED IT. you haven’t seen what they did to my bestie in the finale 😭😭 how they MALIGNED his NAME — if you do watch it come hmu though bc holy shit am i still livid.

anyway. yes to all of this!!!!! especially how he communicates while also losing speech <3333 i get so fucking upset every time someone calls him repressed bc like. he literally isn’t!!! he’s very aware of & in touch with his emotions!!!!!!!!!! what he is is stoic & it’s bc 1) he’s autistic 2) y’all are assholes. like. i feel like fucking crying every time i think about the scene in s1 when he’s just been benched: keeley’s excited but kind of impatient “oh, so you are ready to talk about real stuff now!!” and the way it makes it seem like a bad thing for him to need some time to process. & then her really sarcastic & dismissive response when he says how scared he is of losing what the entire fucking country has made his sole identity:

I think men that feel sorry for themselves are so sexy. And if you start telling me how hard it is that you play a game for a living, I think I might come.

i see fucking red!!!!!!! the show multiple times (including in the finale) belittles his feelings and/or throws away his characterization and then treats that like a #Feminist moment. & like in the previous example, yeah keeley prompts phoebe to say how she sees roy & that’s a sweet moment, but keeley never actually apologizes or says how she sees or thinks of roy outside of sex.

& then in s3 honestly his apology letter to her made me feel ill. like there’s a difference between owning your shit — which i do think she deserved an apology for him breaking up with her out of nowhere — and saying everything is your fault. that’s not growth, that’s still self-hatred. and like i understand keeley was going through a lot but i don’t think it was fair to him for him to confess his love & her fuck him while like. presumably knowing she doesn’t want to get back together.

i’m also so fucking livid about the show comparing roy and FUCKING RUPERT????? in that scene, again for some sort of shallow #GirlBoss moment. fuck that fuck the writers fuck like most of the fan attitudes i’ve seen.

also the way the “roy is sorry for not understanding keeley” scene is played — yeah, he should’ve communicated better, but she just started yelling at him out of nowhere & revealed she’d been complaining about him being clingy to all their colleagues. and she never apologizes for not talking to him sooner & her bottling her feelings until she exploded at him???? instead he apologizes for doing….. something she’d never told him she had a problem with.

i’m working on a fic about this aspect but the show has no fucking sympathy for his becoming disabled and it’s so transparent. obviously ted lasso in general is really bad at acknowledging systemic issues — “just be a goodfish!!” :))) — it’s a liberal show & you should overcome adversity by individual work ie therapy & forgiving your oppressors. but like there’s literally no acknowledgment after that scene when he gets shut down by keeley in s1 of how ableism affects roy’s self-image.

as a disabled person whose mobility impairment started with a knee issue in sports, i also think the show did a fucking shit job with his disability in general. like they played it for a laugh — you might not have watched 3x11 yet so feel free to skip this paragraph but “i played injured all the time / you can’t go up stairs!!” followed by jamie still playing injured to, what, make a point about forgiveness?? shows how fucking seriously they took that, and roy was walking up stairs earlier in that very episode.

similarly, “everybody run to the bus… except roy!” earlier in s3 was an emotional moment for me bc like oh they’re acknowledging how this affects his life!! …..and then they showed him running (on pavement!!!) with jamie all the fucking time. like sure not every knee issue is the same as mine, okay, whatever, but either be consistent or throw in a line about him having a good day today or something. jesus fucking christ it’s so ableist & careless & disrespectful.

anyway my hot take is that as they’re written, keeley & roy shouldn’t be together not because, as brenden fucking hunt put it, “he has work he needs to do on himself first,” but because she doesn’t respect him & fundamentally you can’t make compromises with people who think how you are is wrong.

i do really like keeley especially in s1, i think a lot of this is fuck-ups on the writers’ parts that keeley were she a real person either wouldn’t have done or would’ve apologized for. but as it’s written? fucking yikes.

anyway that got really off track from your thoughts lol but i absolutely adored reading this, it was a delight & i would love to hear more any time 💓💓💓

[wetbloodworm]

#bg3 spoilers #bg3 dark urge spoilers

can't sleep, let's talk about sabine instead

discussing aasimar vs tieflings

so i know there's the whole 'aasimar are good, tieflings are bad' association that like even WOTC eventually started emphasizing is not true. MY recent understanding of the difference is 'aasimar 'descend' from celestials/deities/etc, tieflings 'descend' from fiends/devils/etc'. so alignment doesn't come into it at all, even in their ancestry, it depends more on the like... species of being that had an affect on their bloodline.

(the forgotten realms wiki is telling me that alignment of the ancestral being IS the thing that determines which they are, so like tieflings can come from deities if the deity is evil-aligned. i am choosing to ignore this completely.)

so with that understanding, sabine! sabine is half-elf in the game but as i develop her more, y'know what? i'm deciding she's an aasimar. i think like, it's difficult to determine whether she's technically full aasimar or if there's some kind of balance between that and half-elf, because she was created rather than born. she is a direct piece of bhaal, molded to be his idea of what a half-elf was (or for durges in general, whatever their species is). in sabine's canon, half-elf was picked because she could go (mostly) unnoticed and (mostly) accepted in most communities. so his blood is the only thing that runs through her veins, no second parent involved. and not only is his race not determined anywhere that i'm aware of, i feel like he's so far removed from mortality (or at least full mortals) that his original race before ascension doesn't matter anymore, so it wouldn't matter even if sabine WAS born more traditionally.

i think when it comes down to it, sabine is only half-elf in the way she's built, mostly. she's made to look like one, but her divine blood means she's really more of an aasimar or something adjacent to one than anything. i mean when it REALLY comes down to it her species is 'bhaalspawn' in a way others with the same father/lineage don't experience. others who were born traditionally could be a genuine half-elf or tiefling or orc or whatever with 'bhaalspawn' describing their lineage more than their species. being scooped out of a god does weird things to What You Actually Are, i feel like.

so! she's got aasimar-like traits. half-elf ones, too, but that's like. mimicry more than anything, y'know? anyway, i've copied ez and made a checklist out of the aasimar traits and tiefling traits pages because i like them a lot. i've gone through and edited the language and some details to appeal to me more, and i'll continue tweaking the list as i go along and adding more traits i think of. the two lists are combined here b/c the originals very strictly stick to 'aasimar have good blood/are good' and 'tieflings have evil blood/are evil'. so just mash 'em all together, why not. will use the checklist going forward with characters like these when i want to give them some extra traits.

here's a screenshot of sabine's list so far. i am absoLUTELY not done coming up with stuff for her but i'm impatient and want to share now lol pic should be able to be enlarged

the colors just represent sources, blue for the aasimar traits list and red for the tiefling traits list. green for stuff i've added, purple (maroon?) for what's specific to one character.

one thing i like doing with her is making seemingly positive effects/traits actually sinister. babies stop crying and you think they're soothed if you don't look too closely at how they're responding. people sleep so soundly around her but that's to make them more vulnerable. i want more of those.

might get rid of the shadow and humanoid-shape-to-blind-people one. not sold on them.

i also like the idea that sabine wouldn't know she has black bones until she's in the illithid colony reading the research notes about the various autopsies and other ~explorations~ that were performed on her. her just like MY BONES ARE BLACK? WHY ARE MY BONES BLACK?? WHY ARE MY BONES BLACK!!!!!! which is often her reaction to things she discovers about herself.

the black marks when touched one might get tweaked to more like the original trait where the marks left are black rather than bruise-like. something even more clearly unnatural. also, her discovering that when she's pulling gale out of the. the thing. and she catches sight of her palms.

the smelling of blood one is arguably at least partly canon. the ghoul started shouting about delicious blood when it went to test her.

okay i'm done for now. ty. for your time. i may be back with more later.

[maglors-anion-gap]

9,10 and 13 for the weird writing ask :3

[from this ask game]

I'm late getting to these! when I ask for asks, never trust that I'll respond promptly (send them anyway, though, I like attention)

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know.

kinda, maybe? There's been some times where my mom was sure she was visited by something.

She was downhill ski-race training at night once when she was younger than me, and she tripped on something and fell. Her dad came running up the hill because her light went out. She was a junior olympic racer, the snow was fresh powder, and the place she fell was clear of debris - but if she hadn't fallen, she would've slammed face first into a tree at 70 mph and died. The light on the course was out; she would never have even seen it. Falling saved her life, and she fell over nothing, over thin air.

She's also been visited by her grandmother twice. On the worst night of her life, she said she felt her grandmother, who had been dead for twenty-some years, sit down next to her and this feeling of peace came over her. Almost a decade later, I was out in the forest with her, somewhere her grandmother would have liked to be. I was doing something with our gear, and I turned around and she was kind of crying. And she pointed down the path and said "I just saw my grandmother. She stopped by again to say goodbye, because I don't need her any more." And I genuinely can't remember if I saw a person on the path or if I'm imagining what my mother saw.

On a more pragmatic note, I think people feel strongly about ghosts for one of two reasons: sometimes you get a gut feeling that something's wrong, and that's usually worth listening to; and respecting the dead/the passage of time and life is part of the grieving process and being able to let go of people who have passed in a healthy way. I think science affirms, not discredits, the need for a mourning period; people might dismiss them as a thing of the past, and the economically minded certainly begrudge bereavement time, but what's profitable isn't synonymous with what's kind or what's right. You need some time and some space to get right with your love and your sadness. So traditions around mourning and paying your respects to your ancestors are very interesting to me!

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

Haunting is like, when I can't stop thinking about something, and I keep turning it over in my head. This can be a good, bad, or neutral thing, depending on if I enjoy thinking about it, or if it torments me. I don't think I've ever been tormented by my own writing (except perhaps in embarrassment); I don't think I've ever managed to write anything that soulful (though I've certainly tried). Right now I'm being haunted by that Tom Stoppard quote, let me find it:

“What do I want? Nothing which you'd call indecent, though I don't see what's wrong with it myself. You want to be brothers-in-arms, to have him to yourself... to be shipwrecked together, (to) perform valiant deeds to earn his admiration, to save him from certain death, to die for him - to die in his arms, like a Spartan, kissed once on the lips... or just run his errands in the meanwhile. You want him to know what cannot be spoken, and to make the perfect reply, in the same language.”

I am being haunted by this because 1) this is what it's like to be a gay man, 2) this is what it's like to be a trans man, 3) this is what it's like to love a man. And I am in a really weird place where I love my partner, I covet what he is, and as supportive as he is, I also get the sense that 0% of this makes sense to him. It's all impossible to talk about, I want him to understand it intuitively, and to know what to do. Instead he asks me if I might grow my hair out again.

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

I am having a weird-hard time writing about women who want to be women. In the sense that: I would be cool with being a woman if being a woman meant nothing and I existed in a void without anyone else around me. Introduce one person to the void and I have to get as far away from being a woman as possible, because their idea of being a woman is always different from mine. Had a big row over my hair - I actually like having long hair, but not when people tell me I ought to. So because I'm having a weird-bad time with being an (ex)woman, it's hard to think or to write about why that's actually enjoyable for many people.

It was never hard before, and once I get this worked out it will be good and easy again and I will write about lots of women. Unfortunately right now all of my women start drifting into manhood.

Otoh: it's very easy for me to write about sex.

my newest fic is about 1) women and 2) sex and that's why it's taking so long to finish. The sex is done, the women are not. Apologies to the intended recipient :'(

[justasmallbloginabigklainefandom]

@sohereswhatyoumissedlastweek replied to your post “Anyway I spent four hours straight up crying while...”:

Oh no!! Why? :( the course too hard?

​AAAAAAAAAAAARH

Yeah, basically. Today was the same. My main problem is that the way I express frustration is crying, wanting to scream, biting myself, pinching myself, pulling my hear, ripping stuff apart, hitting things and throwing with stuff. (Rip to this textbook, I have thrown it a lot and at one point started slamming it against a chair.) (Also, no worries, I never bite or pinch to hurt and I don't actually tear out my hair. I hate pain too much for all that.) (It's more that I have all this pent-up anger and I need to hit shit.) And when I am in this mood, literally everything around me pisses me off and I lose my marbles over the littlest things. My entire body is tense and my neck hurts and feels hot.

Yeah, I know. Not Good.

Basically I am constantly on the brink of tears when thinking about it. Even now I am digging my nails into my hands and biting my fingers because I am already getting so ticked off. (Although, writing this down does feel good and is probably healthier than, you know, throwing my book against a wall in rage.) (That did feel good, though.)

So this course is absolutely kicking my ass because I don't understand shit and every time I think I do, I make an assignment, only to have, like, 90% of the questions wrong. Aka cue screaming and tears. And the worst part is that I don't see the point, which is apparently a huge deal for me as well. Idk what it is called in English, but nutsprincipe is a big thing that I am working on, because if I deem it useless, I have a hard time doing shit. This is what my post about bullshit is about. I genuinely do not see the point of this except for Frege to sound smart. I see no use for it at all. Why do we need a fucking formula language for pure thought, so that we can use these formulas to mathmatically calculate thought? Isn't the whole point of philosophy that reality, however you want to define is, cannot be boiled down to a simple formula? If this was exact science, I would at least partially understand it, but come on, you want to create a clear cut formula for language that discusses existence? Leibniz and Frege, turn on your locations, I just want to fucking talk.

AND on top of that, I have been feeling unwell with stress from the last 2.5 weeks because my entire degree is so much I honest to God cannot handle it. So on top of all the frustration and stress of this one course, I am also in a constant state of stress because I have so much to do and I can't find a way to relax, because the only way I can relax is to not do it, but then I don't get it done on time and if I miss one thing I am behind A Lot. One course has a week off, since my teacher is somewhere else, and it is such an immense relief because it saves me reading 3 other papers of idk 100 pages in total. If I also had to do that on top of all the reading and assignments for this week, I don't think I would've handled it. Like, we're not even a month in and I am already on the verge of some sort of mental breakdown. I am constantly tired. I am so tired.

This further isn't helped by the fact that I also have a lot of problems with another course and I feel kinda bad about it. Everyone keeps telling me not to, since this degree is specifically made for people without philosphy knowlegde, which is why the first year is basically a speedrun of philosophy, but every damn time I am in class I realise that others did get it, and that also frustrates me. Like, everyone starts talking about the "obvious conclusion that they read at the end of X" and meanwhile I have read X three times and I had no clue that that was written down there.

Again, I am not even a month in!!! Jesus Christ, but this crappy feeling is unbearable so I am already wondering if this is good for me. It unfortunately reminds me of 2019 which I have dubber The Worst Year, where I was also on the brink of a burn out and couldn't do anything else but cry and only the thought of my thesis made me burst into tears and made me feel like crap.

AND I like my degree, despite everything. I want to do it. I want to understand it (expect for the formula logic, because fuck that for reasons mentioned above.) I look up my future courses and I am excited, so I am sort of holding on to that thought as some sort of fucking lifeline, because in my frustration fuelled thought spiral I did start to fear that I had made a mistake by doing this. YET I don't love it. Others do. Some people were talking about how much joy this brings them and how privileged they feel to be able to do this and how they bike to university, thinking life is beautiful because of this degree. I don't think that, so like Eleanor Shellstrop, it feels like I am literally surrounded by people who are better than me and who belong more. AND I AM AWARE that I shouldn't compare myself. I usually am very good at that, but well, frustration-fuelled-thought-spiral be upon ye!

Not good. I know.

I did find a stress ball but I am at my parents' home and I didn't have that so unfortunately my parents had to endure me at my worst for 2 days. I had a full breakdown yesterday at dinner, mostly because this was just 2.5 weeks of utter shit. Oops.

Am I dealing with this? No, not at all. I need to figure out how to, because this is bleeding into everything. After logics I needed to read a chapter for philosophy of cognition and I still had all that anger in me that I still kept acting out, which obviously didn't bode well BUT I did find a new way to blow off steam. Cause I was slamming books and hitting tables when I realised my mum has one of those Ring Fit Adventure rings, which is made to be pushed in!!! And that's how I did fucking excercise and I fucking hate this but it works because I just smashed through some monsters in Ring Fit Adventure and everything was fine after that. (I hate exercise and sports btw. Fucking dispise it. I am actually not familiar with these positive effects of excercise, because it usually makes me feel worse because I hate doing it.)

I don't have this game on my Switch though and unfortunately we live in the world of digital games, so it's downloaded on my mum's Switch AKA I cannot pop a cartridge into mine. This is why I always say that, if possible, you should still buy your games in physical form! It has resell value AND you can share it. Fuck digital only!!!! (And yeah, great, this works, but I am not paying another €80 for this game.)

I did add my mum's account to my Switch so that the game *is* downloaded on mine, but Nintendo has build a "fail safe" or whatever it's called into the Switch. Other accounts can only play titles from other accounts if it's on a Main Console of the account that bought it. So I can play it with my account on my mum's, but not with my account on mine, because the video game industry fucking sucks nowadays. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I am gonna attempt booting up the game on my Switch from my mum's account but then see if it's possible in-game to pick mine again, since that is possible in this game BUT I am afraid my progress will not move over to my Switch because again shared saves is paywalled BECAUSE OF COURSE IT IS IN THIS DAY AND AGE.

(Also, lol, Hard Times from Paramore just started playing.)

ANYWAY, this did end on a rant about the video game industry, but yeah, thanks for letting me indulge in writing this whole ass essay.

[sigmas-lover]

me chewing on my burger and fries, most definitely not made by a westerner, at some fuckass hawker centre as I explain to my wife who is tucking her dress under her lap a little more neatly so it doesn't graze the outdoor floors—it is a little warm and she is starting to regret not choosing a shorter length as the fan on the wall turns slowly left to right and only occasionally blows her hair back for a mere five seconds:

"See the thing about home, our home, the place we are sitting here right now, is that nothing here is uniquely ours. We are a culmination of different experiences, melded together to form something new, because while a Chinese person, of a specific dialect, will understand what string of curses that store uncle—no he's not my actual uncle, we just call them that out of politeness, like a title, stay on track, sweetheart—what string of curses that store uncle said, that same Chinese person will not understand a lick of what the store uncle will say next when he goes on to speak with buddied endearment to a friend that has had that shop next to his since his father's time.

"Like, I don't know Malay, I don't know their language. When I was ten I understood the word 'sit down' because my neighbor was Malay and it just came naturally to mirror someone you like. Tangent, sorry. Anyway, you'll probably find that most of us who are Chinese wouldn't know the Malay language either, we but know 'sayang' and understood it was a term of adoration, or love. We, and I do mean all of us sort of 'we', with the exception of the people who do know Malay, would use 'sayang' as a word to caress or comfort a child, because we all mirrored what we saw and interpreted it as such. We saw that mother, stroking the cheek of her child, and muttering 'sayang' so lovingly we could cry! So you're wondering what does the word actually mean? 'Dear'. It wasn't onomatopoeia, or remotely close to the word 'comfort', it was 'dear'. Fascinating, right? But we still understood that it meant love.

"So what I'm getting at here is that we don't really have a Singaporean culture. It doesn't run as deep as the people before us, before the amalgamation. It's a mix of everyone else's, altogether. Which, you know, makes it easy to fit yourself in—

"Sorry? The tissue thing?? I actually don't know where that came from either. Chope-ing. Yeah. I don't know. It just happened, I think. Same with this entire place. I mean, yeah. I guess you could say it's a food court. There's not much difference. I mean, originally this whole thing started as a street thing. Like, stalls lined up on the street, you grab a quick bite- like a crepe truck, yes. Like many, many crepe trucks- Is that why you picked the prata? They're not the same- There's no need to be embarrassed about that."

sigma, my wife, rolling her roti prata with the tips of her fingers because a fork couldn't do what she wanted and she worries about smearing oil all over her hands—she's apprehensive about the curry because it's different from Japanese curry, and has a different smell to it, but she's willing to try mostly because the stall owner was generous enough to provide her an entire bowl's worth of it:

"So your culture's like this place. The hawker. Sorry. Hawker centre. Originally its own individual stalls lined up in the same place, eventually becoming one whole entire food court. And it created new things out of it. Like the chopping- Chope-ing thing. Oh this is dripping...

"In a way, don't you think that is what is uniquely your culture? The Singaporean culture? Coming together to become so one, but still maintaining individuality, that it becomes something entirely new? I don't know. I'm still new to this entire thing. But I do think there is something unique here, though. Do I just eat the whole thing straight?"

me watching my wife fret over her prata as I continue eating my burger before she finally takes a full bite—her spice tolerance is still better than mine, and she seems to genuinely enjoy it:

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

Hewwo question for POC selfshippers/ shippers who come from different places than their faves;

what’s your favorite thing about your culture that you’ve introduced your f/o(s) to?

[arminbitchlover]

Confession (F!reader x Jean Kirschstein)

content warnings: mild language, smut, oral (F receiving), praise, unprotected sex, alcohol/intoxication

summary: reader and jean have been in love w one another for years, but never actually admitted it. it wasn't until one night at marley, drunk jean decided to change all of that and finally make them his.

word count: 3.1k

DO NOT POST/SHARE MY WORK ON TIKTOK

You forgot what it was like to genuinely have fun with your friends again. You couldn't recall the last time you got together and not worry about your lives being at risk. It didn't matter to you whether it be making bets to see who takes a shot or reminiscing on old times during training, it just made you feel somewhat at peace.

"C'monnnn, y/n!! a single shot won't hurt anybody." Hange playfully shoves your shoulder as they hold a shot glass in front of your face.

"I rather not, but thank you anyways." You giggle and push away the shot from your view.

"More for me." They chug down the alcohol as if it was water, not being affected from the after burning effect.

You never really liked the idea of being drunk; having little to no memory of what you're doing and having to deal with migraines and nausea the next morning did not please you in the slightest. Jean, on the other hand, didn't seem to care much about the consequences.

"Y-Yeah, ssoooo then I-I zoomed in and swoosh titan DEAD!" Jean hiccups and waves around his hands as he tells Connie his, more than likely, fictional kill.

"You sound like an idiot." Connie playfully smacks Jean's shoulder, laughing out loud.

"Youu are— More pleaseee." Jean slurs out his sentences into one while pointing at his empty glass.

"Sure, buddy." Connie smiles and grabs his glass, walking over to the bar.

Before he could call over a bartender to fill Jean's cup, you clear your throat to catch his attention.

"Don't you think Jean is going a bit overboard with the alcohol?" You flash a confused look to Connie and immediately break out into a smile.

"Oh fuck yes, but he's enjoying himself so I'll let this one slide." He sits on the chair next to you, glancing at Jean and Armin having some kind of competition.

"Yeah, he is..." You trail off, letting your mind wander off as you stare at Jean.

You never had the courage to admit to Jean how much he meant to you since the day you met him. You recall it as if it was yesterday, you were practicing with ODM gear and one of your hooks stopped working and Jean didn't waste a second to help you. You remember everything about him at that moment, how he had a grass stain in the mid left of his shirt and how he had a small scratch right under his left eye as well.

Before you got the chance to tell him how you felt, you found out about how Jean was basically in love with Mikasa and fuck did that hurt, but it was over now. That was 4 years ago and now you're here, still with the same little crush but understanding there was no point of trying to make it anymore than that.

"Uhhh, y/n?" Connie snaps you out of your thoughts, noticing your eyes never leaving Jean.

"Huh? Oh— sorry." You turn your head back to Connie, wanting to get Jean out of your thoughts.

"You know, he's stupid if he doesn't see what an amazing person you are." He smiles, immediately seeing through you.

"Is it really that obvious?" You slightly smack your forehead.

"Somewhat, but, hey, you really should try to shoot your shot. Jean got over Mikasa a while back and I notice the way he glances at you when you're not looking." He hits your shoulder with his, getting a small chuckle out of you.

"Yeah as if." You grin and continue your conversation with Connie, unaware that Jean has been shooting quick looks at both of you when neither of you were looking.

Jean never likes thinking about his feelings, let alone talking about them, especially after being rejected by Mikasa, but he will never get over how everything about you causes butterflies in his stomach.

He will never forget when he noticed how perfect you were, it was during dinner with all the scouts and the usual argument between him and Eren had arisen. Everyone else was telling Jean to quit and that he was being rude for no reason, but you were the only one who stood up for him. He will never forget how you looked, you had a bruise on your forearm and a gash on your right cheek from cutting yourself with a branch, but he still thought you look absolutely beautiful

Now it was two years later, and he never actually thought of ever telling you how he felt since he just assumed that it was some type of infatuation, but it was so much more than that. Before he had the chance to tell you how he felt, his self doubt clouded his mind, telling him that it was just a one sided crush and he believed it.

"Armin, d-do yerrr think y/n and Connie— together?" Jean clumsily turned his head to Armin, seemingly forgetting what they were talking about in the first place.

"Jean, you're completely over analyzing them. They're just friends." Armin laughs, quickly noticing Jean's jealousy.

"I-I hope so," He hiccups, still staring down Connie and notices you laughing at something he said.

"Oh, fuck this." Jean tightens his hands into fists, gets up and walks towards you, not aware that he was leaning to his left.

"CONNIE!" He grabs his best friend from his collar, pulling him out of your seat.

"JEAN— WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" Connie grips Jean's wrist, pushing him away.

You stand there in shock, not knowing how to help either of them.

"Y-Y-You know how I feel about y/n and youuu still decide— steal her from me," He stammers while using the bar table for balance.

You and Connie both look at each other, completely stunned from what just came out of his mouth.

"Jean..." You trail off and slowly make your way towards him, scared that what he says is too good to be true.

"Whattt?" He makes eye contact, genuinely curious why you were calling him.

"Maybe we should go back to the hotel and get you some water." Connie rubs Jean's back, completely disregarding what had just transpired between them.

"Wait—" Jean pulls away from Connie and faces towards you.

"I love-love you, okay?" He grazes his fingers across your forearm, not thinking much of what he just confessed.

You feel your face start to heat up and your heart begins to pound rapidly in your throat. You couldn't believe what you just heard, you think it's some sort of twisted lie that his drunken self has just stirred up. It was all too good to be true, right?

"You're wasted, Jean." You move your arm away, doubting everything he just spat out.

"I knew you didn't f-feel the samee way." He looks down on the floor, looking as if he wanted to barf and cry at the same time.

"Let's uh— go, Jean." Connie gives you a weak smile before taking him out of the bar.

You sit alone for a few minutes, not knowing what to do with yourself before deciding that you just needed to end this night already. You get your things and make your way to your hotel and check in.

You grab the keycard from the receptionist and head to your room, feeling completely empty inside. You didn't really feel like staying up any longer after what happened even though it was barely 11:30, so you took a shower and went to bed with Jean's confession playing repeatedly in your head.

༛༛ ༛ ༛༺༻༛ ༛ ༛༛

You wake up to knocking at your door, leaving you completely startled. You rub your eyes before looking at the clock, 4:54.

"What the fuck.." You mumble to yourself and get out of bed and check the peephole, seeing Jean with no shirt and pajama pants.

Your chest tightens and you immediately open the door, not giving it any thought.

"Y/n..." He rubs the back of his neck, not making any eye contact.

"Jean." You keep your body somewhat hidden behind the door, not knowing what to do.

"Can I please come in?" He looks at you, hoping you'll say yes.

"Well, are you still drunk?" You smile, trying to lighten up the mood.

"Oh no, I— um slept it off, I just have a headache." He laughs as you widen the door and allow him to walk in.

"Is everything okay?" You sit on the bed, hoping that he doesn't bring up anything he said at the bar.

"So, uh Connie told me everything." You feel your heart drop to your stomach, already assuming what his next words are going to be.

"And?" You close your eyes, preparing for the worst.

"I can't really take back what I said, you deserve to know the truth," Your eyes widen and you turn to look at him, his eyes on you, "I just need to know if you feel the same way."

"Y-You really like me?" You feel butterflies in your stomach, everything beginning to feel so surreal.

"Of course I do, what is there not to like about you." He chuckles and takes a seat next to you.

"Well um- I like you too... For a while now actually." You hesitate as you realize that this was real, Jean really sees you as more than just a friend.

"Really?" His face turns red, not noticing that he immediately took a hold of your hand.

"Yes, really." You squeeze his hand for reassurance.

You both stare into each other's eyes for a little bit, enjoying one another's presence, unaware that both of you start leaning in at the same time

Your lips slightly brush against each other, feeling the electricity trill through your body before connecting them and letting the warmth of his body consume you.

You've never shared a kiss like this before; one that's so deep and passionate and could almost feel all the feelings you have for one another being poured onto it.

"God, you're perfect," Jean whispers as he slowly lowers you to the point when you're laying flat on the bed and he's on top, both of his legs on each side of yours.

You glide your hand across his chiseled jaw while he has a firm grip on your waist, scared that if he let go it would all be over. You completely underestimated how much you wanted him, not just physically, but all of him.

"Do you want this?" He lifts his head and rubs his thumb in tiny circles on your cheek.

"I do." You grab his face with both of your hands, pulling him in for another slow and sensual kiss.

You grind slightly against him, already feeling the arousal pooling low in your stomach just from a kiss. You slide your hands down to his abs, lightly tracing them with your index finger. 

He moves his hands down to your shirt, pulling it over your head and tossing it off to the side. His eyes widen, completely in shock that you were without a bra.

"What?" You giggle, lifting his chin to make eye contact.

"Nothing." He grins and gives you a peck, before turning his focus back down to your chest.

He starts by kissing on your collarbone, intertwining his hands with yours by the sides of your head; tightening his grip each time he marks your skin.

"Shit." You exhale heavily, loving the intimacy Jean created with everything he was doing to you.

He made his way to your tits, taking his hand to massage your left breast while he kisses and lightly sucks the other one with care. You run your hands through his hair, taking in everything he was doing to you.

"Is it okay if I- um go down on you?" He breathes out, feeling his hard cock get tight against his pants.

"Of course." You feel your face heat up and help him pull down your underwear.

He pepper kisses all the way down your stomach before reaching your slick center. You feel your heartbeat start to quicken, already feeling prepared as this was something you would think about endlessly, but before he did anything you feel your legs being hoisted onto his shoulders and his grip on your outer thighs become more firm.

You suddenly felt the pad of his thumb lightly press against your clit, involuntarily causing your hips to buck up. You glance down and see a smile across his face.

"I'm going to take my sweet time with you and I'll make sure you feel nothing but pleasure, okay?" He smirks at you and goes back down, not waiting for a response.

"O-Okay." You took in a sharp breath, unexpectedly feeling his hot wet tongue take in your arousal that covered your slit.

He focuses on your clit, doing sloppy circles at a tedious pace. Even though he just started, you love every second of this. It makes you feel so special to have someone wanting to spend a great deal of time just pleasing you and not worry about anything else.

His hands slowly rub up and down on the outer sides of your thighs, making his actions so much more intimate. He continues his sensual pace, as you grip his brown locks, feeling fuzzy.

"Mm, Jean," You moan, grinding against his mouth wanting a bit more.

He didn't hesitate, seemingly already knowing what you wanted, and slips his middle finger into you. He still wasn't rushing anything, wanting to make everything last as long as possible, wanting to ensure your first time with each other was nothing but perfect.

It slips into you effortlessly, taking his finger in while your walls clech against it. While you don't realize, Jean's dick is seeping with precum, making a small wet spot go through his boxers and onto his sweatpants.

"Another please." You're so ready to gush all over him; you never understood the effect unhurried foreplay could have on you until this moment. You didn't think it could turn you on this much, let alone cum, but fuck, Jean was making it happen and it was coming fast.

He pushes in his ring finger, curling them both to hit your g-spot, causing your vision to swim.

"Cum on my face, please," Jean mumbles, slightly picking up the speed but nothing too harsh and abrupt.

It didn't take long for you to fall apart, your thighs trembling against him as you moan out his name while gushing on his face and fingers.

"You sound so pretty saying my name." He pulls away and smirks at you, gently rubbing your clit to bring you back down from your high.

"Well maybe you should try and make me do it again," You giggle, feeling ready for what was about to happen.

He makes his way back up your body, pulling off his pants and boxers before aligning himself.

"Are you sure you want this?" He looks into your eyes, worried that he'll fuck up somehow and ruin everything.

"Yes, I'm sure." You pull him in for a gentle kiss, feeling him push into you and stretch you out.

You gasp, not expecting him to be as big as he was. You feel your walls clench against him trying to take him in as smoothly as possible even if it was borderline painful.

"Shit— are you okay?" Jean stops, giving you a worried look, noticing discomfort flash across your face.

"I'm fine, keep going," You reassure him and you mean it. It wasn't anything that was excruciatingly painful, but rather just pressure and soreness and you had to admit it felt fucking amazing.

"I'm still going to take it slow alright? I just— really want to enjoy this moment with you." He kisses your forehead and moves your hands to the top of your head, holding them with one hand and the other gripping the bed frame.

So many thoughts go through your head at once. One part of you was so happy that you and Jean were finally together, admitting to each other what you've kept hidden for years. The other was so fucking scared, scared that there was no certainty that either of you would be alive by next week. So you understood Jean's words and you wanted to enjoy every second with him as well, as if it were your last.

He slides further into you, already feeling his cock start to twitch in you from how tight you are.

"Fuuckk," He drawls, feeling his tip hit your cervix.

"Y-You feel so good," You whimper, feeling yourself coat his dick in arousal as your back starts to arch against his stomach.

He keeps his slow and sensual pace, resting his forehead against yours while giving you soft kisses between each thrust.

You close your eyes, savoring what he feels like inside you, his sluggish movements making you feel fuzzy and warm.

You feel the pressure build up in your stomach again, feeling him hit a spot so deep in you that you didn't realize was even there.

"'m gonna cum again." Your eyes roll back and you move your hips against him, seeing stars as he puts a bit more pressure into your sweet spot, feeling your walls start to flutter.

"Don't hold back." He moves his hand that is holding yours back down to your clit, setting you over the edge.

"Jean!" You throw your head back, losing yourself in the waves of sensations and feeling yourself tightly clutch on his cock.

"Fuck, I think I'm gonna cum too." He immediately pulls out and begins pumping himself.

Your stomach becomes painted with hot white spurts of cum, seeing Jean's face wash over with bliss and relief.

"That was... wow." Jean smiles and pulls you in for one final kiss before putting back on his clothes and walks over to the bathroom to get paper towels.

"That was worth the wait," You giggle, reaching your hand forward as you try to grab the paper towels from his hand.

"No, please, let me." He lightly pushes you back down, gently wiping down your stomach and making sure you were clean before laying back down next to you.

"Thank you, Jean." You rest your head against his chest, listening to his heart beat.

"Why are you thanking me?" He clumsily traces your back, taking in your scent.

"Making me happy." You pull away and look into his eyes, caressing his cheek.

"Well in that case, I promise I will do everything I can to make you as happy as possible for the rest of our lives." He chuckles and kisses your temple before pulling you back into his chest, both of you drifting off to sleep.

[azurethevampire]

I Will Give You A Reason

A/N: Set in season 6, episodes 2-3 (I think at least it was those episodes xD) This piece is quite angst-filled one, so prepare yourself with tissues if you have to. If there is any mistakes to the few words/sentences of Swedish used in this, they are entirely my own as that isn't my strongest foreign language and I didn't use a translator. Also this was written about a year ago when I watched True Blood for the first time.

Fandom: True Blood

Summary: Emily and Pam have searched for Eric across the world. When they finally find the 1,000 years old viking vampire from France Emily's already shattered world seems to turn into dust: Eric, her rock, her best friend, the only father she's ever had, is sick. 

Characters: Eric Northman, Pamela Swynford de Beaufort, Emily Northman (oc)

Words: 2736

•-•-•-•-•

•-•-•-•-•

"Pam, you have to eat." 

You don't look like yourself, she wanted to add but stopped herself just in time. The vampire had been snappier for a few days now and Emily didn't want to make her mad at her. Not that she believed that Pam would really hurt her, even in anger. She had never done so after that one time and that had been when Emily was six and she hadn't known when to keep her mouth shut. 

Well, maybe she still didn't know when to keep her mouth shut —but she was better than ten years ago!  

Pam turned to look at the teenager—No. The young woman, that Emily had blossomed into in the last months despite that the world seemed to grow shittier every fucking day. Perhaps that was the reason why. Emily had lost that soft roundness on her face and her eyes were tired, dark bags under her eyes. Her clothes hung on her, and Pam, for a brief moment, wondered when was the last time the human herself had eaten. 

"I'm not hungry." 

Emily resisted the urge to roll her eyes, instead, she sat down on the only chair in the motel room they were in. "Snälla, Pam. You could at least stop lying to me about it - I'm not blind!" 

Pam was about to snap something back, but instead, her hand reached the doorknob. But before she left the room she turned to face Emily again. "If I can't find anything tonight, I'll feed on you tomorrow, I promise. Stay here, don't open the door to anyone and don't invite anyone in." 

Emily let Pam say those words the vampire had said every night although the girl is tired of hearing them night after night. But it seemed to help Pam, to get to remind her of those small yet so trivial rules. So Emily's "I know" echoed in the empty vampire-friendly motel room after Pam had left and closed the door behind her. 

Her eyes spotted the room key left on the small cracked table near the door. In the first months of their search, Pam locked Emily in but lately, the vampire had not taken the keys with her at all. 

And because of that Emily knew that Pam was starting to become suicidal in their search for Eric.

•-•-•-•-•

“I think I found him.” 

Pam has never - as far as Emily’s memory goes back - sounded more… excited? Happy? No, that is not the right word and she knew that. Pam’s voice was flat, she tried to hide the hope that had filled her but Emily felt it. It radiated off Eric’s first progeny and she couldn’t help it; for the first time in months, Emily dared to let herself hope too. 

But there was something else she sensed from Pam. She was sad too, and that made the girl swallow. “But?” When did my voice start to sound so weak? So small? 

Pam’s next words killed something inside of her. 

“Tara is dead. I felt it.” 

What felt like minutes passed and Emily couldn’t say anything, couldn’t move from her spot. Pam was still but there was no denying the glint in her eyes. Emily and Pam had never been the type to coddle each other. Never. 

Still, Emily raised up in her bed anyway, took the few short steps it took to reach the vampire, who had been her only family for six months now, and she wrapped her arms around her, swallowing and blinking back the tears she felt coming. 

“I’m so sorry, Pam.” 

And Pam - beautiful, bad-ass, smart Pam - returned the young woman’s embrace, letting bloody tears run freely, staining Emily’s shirt with red. 

•-•-•-•-•

The plane landed in France the same evening - Pam in a coffin in the cargo hold. 

They flew to the villa in France. Pam had told Emily that she and Eric used to live here before they were forced to go to Shreveport. 

She could see why the two vampires had chosen this place to reside in — even in the night, the garden surrounding the sand-coloured walls of the large building was breathtakingly beautiful. 

Emily had more pressing matters though than to watch the sights. She could feel him. First time in over six months, Emily felt Eric. That familiar flare that had so long been gone from inside her, burned again. No. Not completely familiar. There was no doubt that the vampire she felt was indeed Eric Northman. But his life force, which had always been so strong… it cracked. Like old dry cement. 

Something is wrong, Emily thought as she followed Pam inside, to a spiral staircase going down, down, down.

Emily swallowed. She had a bad feeling. Very bad feeling - and god, she wished she was wrong. She begged to be wrong. That there was simply something wrong with her own powers, and not something wrong with her Eric. 

Wishful thinking, foolish thinking, she knew. Knew because she had felt this same feeling before over the past months - recently more often than she would have wanted to. 

Emily and Pam started to make their way down the stairs, and Emily - her chest tightened in pain. 

Two youngish and beautiful women met the vampire and the empath on the stairs. One of them said something in French. Emily couldn't understand, she had never bothered learning French. Maybe sometime during 'forever' — she had used to think that. Not anymore, not for a long time now. 

She didn't know what the French woman said but she did feel their emotions. Confusion. Betrayal. Hurt. Confusion. 

The final round of the spiral and Pam and Emily saw the room. 

As soon as Emily's eyes fell on him, she felt her heart tighten. She had thought she had felt pain last night when Tara died the true death. She had been wrong. 

Nothing she had ever felt compared to the heart-wrenching, punch-in-the-gut pain that crashed over her like a hurricane when the dark veins creeping up her guardian's chest, the meaning of them, finally hit her. 

And even though her legs felt like boiled spaghetti, Emily forced herself to step closer to Eric. Eric who was sick. He can't be! He's Eric for fuck's sake! But he could be, and he was. "No" pushed through her lips, past the lump in her throat, the word sounding broken. 

And Eric. 

Eric Northman's eyes switched from his first progeny to his human equivalent to a daughter. "You found me."  

“How long?” Pam asked the question that burned on Emily’s mind too. It seemed that Eric was still in the first stage of the Hep-V virus but she knew that that didn’t mean anything. Not because she didn’t know how long Eric had been sick. He could have months left with proper blood sources but then again, if the disease got worse, he could only have days. 

The tall blonde vampire didn’t answer, not right away. He almost looked like he was about to fall asleep. Hot tears began to blind the teenager’s vision as she grabbed his hand in hers. His hand had always been cold. Cooling touch relieving to Emily. Eric’s hand was warm now. This is wrong! Emily’s mind screamed at her. 

“Eric?”

“Can you repeat the question?” 

And those words that seemed so meaningless, so genuinely apologetic, were the words that sent Emily’s tears falling from her eyes. 

“How long have you been sick?” And Emily heard in Pam’s voice that she was crying too. 

“Saw the first signs last month”, Eric said and not once in the time Emily had known Eric had he sounded so weak. So tired. 

“When you were in St. Petersburg”, Emily heard herself say. She and Pam had tracked Eric there - Pam cursing all of the time they were in Russia, how she hated the Russians with her gut. 

Something flickered in Eric’s blue, tired eyes. And even though faint, Emily felt the emotion: surprise. And even if the situation they are in, is fucked beyond belief, the young woman of seventeen found herself smiling, just the tiniest bit. Because one didn’t sneak up on Eric Northman that easily. 

“Don’t act all surprised”, Pam said behind Emily. “We searched the whole fucking planet for you - St. fucking Petersburg, Eric? You know how I hate the Russian people.” 

“Well, I didn’t know you two were gonna come looking for me”, Eric said, eyes moving to Emily whose eyes squinted slightly. 

“Then you were an idiot”, Emily said in Swedish. Another small wave of surprise from Eric. Emily continued. “Why did you keep moving then?” 

“Yes, I want to know the answer to that as well”, Pam said crossing her arms.  

Eric chuckled, although it awfully sounds like a mix of a chuckle and a cough. Too rough, Emily thought. 

“Congratulations, Pam, Emmy-”, and Emily’s eyes were burning with unshed tears again because it had been so long that she had heard that nickname from Eric. “You have outwitted me.” His hand raised to touch Emily’s cheek. “But only because I’m not well.” 

Pam told about Tara, but to Emily’s confusion, Eric didn’t offer words of comfort, didn’t say he was sorry to hear that. Instead, he asked about a stupid bucket game he played in Marocco - the same game Pam had played last night to get the information of Eric’s location. 

“Oh… I liked the bucket game.” 

And Pam was about to snap, she already took steps forward, but Emily beat the vampire to it. 

“What is wrong with you?! You are Eric fucking Northman!” her hands balled to fists, the tears in her eyes no longer coming out of sadness, but anger. “You don’t give up. You fight!” 

“Fight’s over, Emily.” 

“This can’t all be about Sylvie.” 

Emily didn’t know who Sylvie was. But she knew that Eric giving up like this couldn’t be just because of one person. 

“Godric”, Eric stated. “Nora.” Emily felt a tug of pain in her chest, partly her own, partly the vampire’s whose hand she still held in hers. “And yes, Sylvie too.” 

And Pam’s next question made Emily’s heart skip a beat, two beats. Because she had never, even in her wildest worst-case scenarios, thought about that. Not until Pam put that idea in her head when she asked: “Did you contract the virus on purpose?” 

Eric wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t do something so… he wouldn’t! but despite her thoughts, Emily couldn’t have said why she was suddenly so afraid of his answer. 

“On purpose? No-” Eric said, shaking his head a little, and Emily felt a relieved breath leave her. “But did I go about my dealings with a devil-may-care attitude? Absolutely.” 

“Damn you!” Emily snapped, but then she burst into tears. She was exhausted - she hadn’t slept since Marocco and even there it was just a few hours -, and the only thing that had kept her from having a break-down had been hope. Hope that she would see Eric again soon. But this reunion had not been the relief she had waited for. She was glad to see him again, but a small part of her wished they never would have found him. 

Because now, she was afraid. More afraid than she had ever been in her entire life - and that was saying something after the torture Edgington had put her through two years ago. 

Eric tried to reach for the girl, but Emily turned away, scooting back in the chair so she sat by his legs. She pulled her knees up, hugged herself tightly and buried her face in her knees as sobs racked her whole body. She was barely aware that Pam had sat on Eric’s other side, trying to reason with him. 

“Don’t do this to us”, Emily heard Pam start sobbing and she turned her head, just enough that she could see Eric and her again - and she didn’t want to. She really didn’t but she still reached out with her hand, and her fingers - still so small and slim in comparison - wrapped around Eric’s large hand the best they could. “Please, Eric…”, Emily sobbed, too. 

“God damn you!” Pam cursed.  

“For more than 1,000 years, the world has been my oyster”, Eric said. 

“And it still can be”, Pam argued. “I’ll do anything.” Emily squeezed Eric’s hand. Me too. I would do anything for you. She wanted to say but the words refused to leave her. 

“I’ve lost my taste for oysters, Pam.” 

“Then find it again.” Emily’s voice came out harsher than she intended and she gained Eric and Pam’s attention. Wiping her face with the back of her hand, she uncurled herself from her position. “Du lovade mig”, Emily said in Swedish, desperately, and her voice was thick with emotion. 

Something in Eric’s eyes shifted. Turned softer and sad. “I know I did, sweetheart, but the world has changed since then.” He grabbed Emily’s wrist and pulled her towards him - and even sick, Emily found out that Eric was still so much stronger than she was. She was only human after all - even if it was with a little something extra. Eric’s feelings were clear and honest at his next words as his hand rested on the side of Emily’s face, thumb lightly brushing away her tears. 

“My sweet little Emily”, Eric whispered, his lips forming a quick smile, sad and warm at the same time. “You are gonna go out there. You are gonna grow up to be a beautiful, smart woman, go to some stupid fucking university and find yourself a good, loving human husband. You’re going to have kids and you will tell them stories about their 1,000 years old vampire grandfather… and you will be happy… Do you understand?” 

Emily swallowed, her hand raising on top of Eric’s now-wrong-temperature hand. She only barely managed to croak out the tiniest of “yes”. Even though she knew she would not do any of that. 

“You should go. Both of you.” 

Pam was crying but she was the first to rise from beside Eric and start to walk towards the staircase. 

This is wrong! Emily’s mind screamed as she rose. Virus or no virus Eric was not just any other vampire - he was Eric! 1,000 years old vampire and a viking! Vikings had not just sat down and waited for death to come collect them! At least Emily didn’t think so. No. Vikings, they avenged. Just like Eric had avenged his human family only seven or so months ago. 

As his last act… Emily felt no guilt of thinking about this at that moment, no guilt about throwing someone else’s life to a path to death - as far as she was concerned the other person deserved it. 

As his last act before true death, Eric Northman could take revenge against the person who did this to him. 

“Sarah Newlin”, Emily said, turning back to face Eric again. Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw Pam turn on her heels a glint of surprise and (oh that traitorous) hope in her eyes. 

“What about her?” Eric asked, his eyes closed. 

“What if I told you that Jason Stackhouse let her live.” 

Eric’s eyes opened, his voice hardened. “He didn’t.” 

“He did”, Pam said, catching on to Emily’s plan. “And she’s out there.” 

“Where?” 

“No one’s seen her”, Emily said. 

“I have to imagine she’s in hiding somewhere”, Pam offered. 

Emily saw Eric’s jaw clench. Then… then, with what seemed like a heavy effort, Eric pushed himself up in the chair and slowly, slower than Emily was used to seeing the vampire’s motions - Eric Northman stood in front of her, grasping her shoulder, as his eyes once again roamed between his girls. 

“Well, let’s go find her.” 

Emily wasn’t naive. She knew that Eric was still dying, but at least now he wouldn’t just sit down here and wait for it. He would go down fighting. 

Just like he had taught her was the right way to go. 

Just like the viking he was supposed to be - just like Eric fucking Northman was supposed to fight. 

So, yes, Eric was still dying but at least now - and maybe it was selfish to think that way, but Emily didn’t find it in herself to care - Emily had a few more days to spend with the man who had taken her in as if she was his progeny instead of some orphan human child with empath powers. 

[portra400s]

 aera:

( ... )     "you know, i really thought you were going to call the cops on me or something." aera now retells that with a lighthearted giggle, finally feeling satisfied with how she "tamed" that little part of her friend's hair, leaving it alone. "you looked like i had took slak hostage." aera always tried her best to pronounce slak's name correctly, the same way she tries to pronounce sverre's name, but she never quite gets it no matter how much he's patient with her and repeats the word again and again until aera resigns herself that she'll never sound as good as when sverre says it, or maybe it's a lost battle from the start not only because it's his mother language but also because aera has always liked the way sverre talked in first language, regardless if it's just a word here and there. "so thank you for not doing that." then the smile on her lips softens up a little around the edges, melting into something a little less amused and a lot more fond. "thank you for becoming my friend."

sometimes, the act of being alive is so beautiful that it hurts.

it took sverre a long time to get to this point of thinking—for the first twenty-odd years of his life, existence felt like some sort of fucked up punishment; but then he'd left his hometown, and things got better. he views yuseong bay as an oasis in some ways, perhaps giving the town more credit for his life's improvement than he should. a lot of it's got to do with his changed way of thinking, and consequently, a lot of it's got to do with aera: something, something, something about how even a pebble can create a wave. she's the most genuine friend he's ever had (initial language barriers and all) and human connection is everything: first the pebble, then the wave.

"yeah," he responds, short and simple. his expression contorts as he looks at her; clouds making way for the sun to come through, the upper half of his face is frowning against the bright rays, but the lower half is still half-smiling. it's a beautiful day, he thinks; here in the sun, with the sound of the ocean and comfort of being unalone. she's fixing his hair. something simple. something he'd nag at his mom for doing. but her fingers brush against the shell of his ear and he's almost moved to tears.

so fucking dramatic, he can hear a nameless voice now, not everything has to be such a big deal. and yet at the forefront of his mind, he'd disagree. he's found that once he learned how to love being alive, everything began to feel like a big deal.

he looks way from aera now. not because he's going to cry—he's not, thank you, the feeling has already passed—but because he doesn't want his intensity to ruin the way that the day's going.

"if i'd have called the cops, i'm probably the one that would've gotten in trouble. it's just my luck... but maybe i should've tried, anyway," he jokes, trying to remember the first time that he'd seen aera. the feeling of astonishment is clear, but the details are fuzzy; it had passed fast in his mind, somehow, but most things with her do. there's never enough time.

he sighs; loud and dramatic, all for show. "i don't think i had much of a choice in any of this. i knew that you needed a friend, because no normal person uses their spare time to try to put sweaters on cats... you could say i was just doing my civil duty. it's been fun so far, though—i like that you're crazy. it gives me space to be crazy too, without embarrassment. so as far as civil duties go, it's not bad. it's tolerable. like... i don't know, doing laundry?"

a brief pause follows, in which he wonders a lot of things, like if she'll understand any of his jokes and if she'll see the humor in them or if she'll feel hurt, and then he belatedly corrects her pronunciation just to tease her: "it's slak, by the way."