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I'm having just a terrible time right now

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🥹

Neal was so real for saying this

"Peter is more of a father to me than you ever were" I'm gonna be SICK

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I flopped into bed with my shoes on and fell asleep and my husband took my shoes off of me and I dreamed I was walking on the treadmill and my shoes literally like flew off my feet. Just like, high velocity, like they flew off, at speed. This is so funny to me. The stark contrast between the gentle and tender way that my husband removed my shoes and the very violent and abrupt way my subconscious translated it in my dream. Wild.

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Never not thinking about this

BARRY - 4.08 - wow

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mentally im friends with a lot of u guys even if we dont talk or never have talked and probably will never talk directly. its ok. the warriors bond transcends words

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Thinkin about the time I found a huge fat toad and I picked it up and ran across the yard to show my son and I was like, 'I have something to show you' and he was simultaneously running towards me and he said, 'I have something to show YOU' and we were both holding fat toads.

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Story time, story time about a baby bird that I raised. I put it under the cut because it's long, rambling, and there's a few pictures.

A couple years ago, early fall, the kids are out riding bikes around the neighborhood. Next thing I know, my daughter is handing me an absolute grub of a baby bird. Tiny, naked, cool to the touch, but wiggling around and as alert as you'd expect such a little bird to be.

The kids had found it in the middle of the road on the main drag. Someone almost ran it over.

I'm thinking to myself, oof, this thing is going to die. But I agree that I'll take it in the house and see what can be done. I did have a conversation about how fragile life can be before my kids went to bed, in preparation. I wasn't sure this thing was going to make it through the night. I couldn't even tell what kind of bird it was.

So I'm up all night with this baby. I'm feeding it frequently, doing my best. Morning comes and the bird seems to have gained strength. It's warm and alert. Now I'm thinking, damn, the kid is gonna make it.

I'm doing my best. Obviously I am not a bird.

I'm feeding the baby, days are passing, it's growing. Feathers develop. I realize it's a Robin.

So I start thinking, I have got to teach this bird how to be a bird. I'm playing YouTube videos with Robins singing. I start taking it outside frequently. I am perching it on branches. I start having it watch me looking for worms and grubs and the like. I 'peck' the ground with my finger and the bird watches, watches, starts copying me. I stopped putting the food into its mouth and started setting the food down near its feet. Baby bird picked the food up and ate it on its own. I felt so proud. We practiced flying.

One of my favorite pictures that I took:

Stately!

I knew I had to transition this bird to being independent. I made a little nest in the garden for it.

It killed me. I worried, worried, worried. I checked on it a lot. The first time it flew up onto the roof of our house, I made my husband go up on a ladder and get it because I was irrationally scared.

I mean, the thing flies. I don't know why I was afraid, but I was. I had to be firm with myself. The next time it flew, I let it be. It flew up in the trees and it would sit up there and sing. It would fly down sometimes and hang around the garden and sing. Then it started flying out further and we might see it every other day, then every few days, then not at all. Of course, it was winter by then and Robins are semi-migratory.

Whenever I see Robins hopping around again in the spring, I think of the baby bird. I feel like I did a pretty good job. I hope that baby thrived. I wonder if it ever comes around to visit. I hope I did things right. 🙏

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Mom posting mom posting mom posting

Closer to the beginning of winter, when it was starting to get bitter cold, but not cold enough for precipitation to be snow, we had a lot of rain over a couple of days.

At the bus stop, sitting in the car with my son, we're looking at an absolutely enormous puddle that's forming next to where the bus parks. Huge. I tell him to try not to step in it on his way to the bus, to go around it.

He tells me that he wants to jump in it. I say, please don't, you'll be cold and wet and miserable all day at school if you jump in that puddle. He says he's going to. I told him that if he just went around the puddle this morning, that he could jump in the puddle AFTER school and I would even jump in with him. We pinky promised.

I watched him pretend to be about to step in the puddle and then turn around to make sure I saw him doing it. He laughed, and then went around the puddle and got on the bus.

I forgot he had to stay after that day, so when I picked him up from the school, it was quite dark and getting rapidly colder. But I had already put towels in the car in preparation of the puddle jumping. And I had promised.

I parked at the bus stop instead of driving home. My son asked why we were stopping. I don't know if he forgot or he thought I'd forget or he thought I hadn't been sincere, but I reminded him about the puddle. His face lit up so bright.

We ran into that puddle together. It was mostly slush because the temperature had dropped so much. Instant loss of feeling in my feet. But we ran into that puddle and jumped up and down and splashed and he was laughing and smiling and I was laughing and smiling and we looked like we'd lost our damn minds for about a minute.

Then we decided we could both no longer feel our feet at all. We raced back to the car. Dried off our feet, warmed up. Laughed about it the whole rest of the way home.

I was just thinking about it. It's a treasured memory for me. I hope it becomes a core memory for my son, too. That he remembers it fondly. That I always keep my promises.

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Emotionally fragile and having big feelings about fictional characters. Not really vibing with reality right now. Might go cry in the shower later.

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😭

White Collar rewatch (64/?) 2x12 What Happens in Burma

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No no you don't understand! I want to watch this show/movie, read this book, listen to this podcast, etc.! But I must be in the right mindset and the exact head space to begin, or I just can't!

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🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

I love them a normal amount.

peter x neal | fondness (2 / 2)

for @natlet

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i am not brave but sometimes i am made brave by my friends which is to say i am made brave by love

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When I tell you I was inconsolable

White Collar S06E06

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My heart is full and my soul is nourished.

I saved this post for later and then went through and read all the fics and omg. It's exactly the soft, paternal Peter content that I signed up for. Well written, sweet, fluffy. A little bit OOC? Maybe, but I didn't care in the slightest. I mean, are they really THAT out of character, really? As someone who has watched the show multiple times and spent a great deal of time dissecting glances and dwelling on physical touch...I feel like there is so much to the relationship that we didn't get to see. And who's to say that it wasn't soft and fluffy sometimes?

White Collar Fic Masterlist

***Reblogged whenever there’s a new fic***

I’ve decided that it’s finally time for an official White Collar fic master list for tumblr. I’ll probably reblog each time there’s another one, but here are links to all my White Collar fics in the order in which they were written (not including a few ficlets under 500 words) (AO3: stan_of_many)

I’ll also say right here that I am always down to hear prompts. No slash please and I can’t guarantee anything, but I’d love to hear ‘em.

The title is the link

Not Everything Is A Con

Words: 2.3k

Summary: Diana is miserable, stuck in the van with the flu, and an antsy CI who may be better company than she thinks as long as it's not just a con...

Preview: “The hours of staring at the screen and listening to static had taken its toll and the nasty headache from that morning had returned with a vengeance, settling behind her eyes and at the base of her head. She stifled a small whimper of pain as she dropped her head in her hands and pressed her fingers into her eyes. She could hear Neal lean over, 'You okay Diana?' His voice was gentle. She sat up determined not to let Neal see her being beaten by a small headache. 'I’m fine Caffrey.'"

Notes: first White Collar fic I ever wrote and it’s Diana and Neal which is kinda funny. Featuring caring!neal which I love.

Just A Criminal

Words: 3.6k

Summary: Peter comes across the hurting side of Neal Caffrey.

Preview: “The brief feeling of relief that Neal hadn’t been sneaking off to get into who knew what kind of trouble was quickly overshadowed as Peter suddenly noticed the uncharacteristic slump of Neal’s shoulders. His head was slightly bowed as he stood, back to Peter, seemingly doing nothing more than watching the ant-sized people and tiny cars on the street below.”

Notes: Hurting Neal and Fatherly Peter is just the bestest imo (as you will see based on how many more there are focus on that), but this was kind of my first peter & neal fic so it holds a special place in my heart.

A Shake Of The Head

Words: 821

Summary: Missing scene for if Peter and Neal had gotten a chance to say goodbye before Neal runs at the end of Season 3

Preview: “A shake of the head. A simple shake of the head was all it took to sever the most important person besides Elizabeth from Peter’s life. Just a slight shake of his head as he made eye contact, standing slightly above the sadistic Kramer, and like a bird finally freed from its cage, Neal was gone in the wind. But Peter didn’t regret it.”

Notes: this was fun because a friend of mine finished season three right before she went back to college and couldn’t watch White Collar for months and she begged me for some type of closure...so I provided.

Loaned Away

Words: 2.2k

Summary: Neal gets loaned to Organized Crime for the day and Peter shows how to really care for a CI when he sees the bruises.

Preview: “Peter frowned slightly, realizing that Neal hadn’t spoken since Ruiz had practically dragged him in by his collar. Usually he’d be making about five different excuses for why nothing could possibly ever be his fault and cheekily denying every accusation. As it was, he stood silent.”

Notes: Honestly I just really like this one. Just an excuse for some shameless h/c and Peter being caring and sweet and fatherly.

Feigning Illness

Words: 10k. Chapters: 2

Summary: Their relationship is already strained after the warehouse disaster and Peter isn’t inclined to believe that Neal’s really sick...but sometimes even the best conmen are really just not feeling well and even suspicious agents care about their partners

Preview: “Neal heard Peter walk closer and could almost feel the look of intense suspicion from the Agent before a hand gently grabbed his shoulder and turned him around to face his handler. Neal was not expecting the expression that really painted Peter’s face as he met his gaze; far from suspicion, it was one of caring concern. ‘You really aren’t feeling well are you?’ Peter questioned quietly.”

Notes: Soft and gratuitous sick fic, I reread this one sometimes almost as if it were someone else’s work. This may be one of my personal favorites (which is hard to say because they’re all my children).

Pining Away

Words: 4.4K

Summary: A season 5 story where Neal has a new handler and Peter decides that it’s best if he steps back for a while—which only makes them realize how much they need each other.

Preview: ““It’s about Neal sir.” Siegel noticed the flurry of emotions that passed across Peter’s face at the mention of the CI’s name, fondness, annoyance, but mostly sadness—longing. “He’s not doing well.” Peter looked startled,

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“No sir.” The young agent took a breath, “He’s lonely. He misses you, I think more than he even realizes.””

Notes: Season five was really weird for me because I absolutely adored David Siegel (who deserved so much better!!!) and wanted to see way more of him and Neal, while also hating with every bone in my body the angst between Peter and Neal and the fact that Peter wasn’t his handler. Yeah, it was difficult to reconcile, but here’s me trying to do that.

5 Times Neal Was There When Someone Needed Him and One Time Someone Was There For Him

Words: 9.4k. Chapters: 6

Summary: What it says on the tin. One-shots of five times Neal was caring, sweet, and there for people who needed help and one time Peter was caring, sweet, and there for him.

Preview: “Peter wasn’t the type to feel insecure but he envied the CI sometimes as he watched the ease with which Neal could make someone feel comfortable, reassure them that everything was okay, dry a woman’s tears and sweetly amuse a small child.

Those skills of course had been used to cheat and swindle his way across five continents, but Neal Caffrey also cared about people, and knew how to show it.”

Notes: Classic format for some of my favorite stories that I’ve written (idk what I’m saying they’re all my favorites but you know what I mean). We see Neal hurting and Neal being cared for a lot in fanfic but I wanted to explore Neal as the comforter...something we actually see somewhat often in canon.

Justice and Compassion

Words: 2.5k

Summary: Neal is familiar with the good cop tactic, but Agent Peter Burke is confusingly kind—Or “Neal gets arrested by the FBI and learns about the idea of compassion.”

Preview: “...Burke just looked at him searchingly for a moment longer. His eyes softened as he met Neal’s and Neal had the uncomfortable feeling that Burke saw through him like glass, past the mask of cool con man to the terrified kid that the mask protected. Nobody had ever looked at him that way before. Nobody had ever cared much about what was behind the mask.”

Notes: First part of my three-part “Justice and Compassion series”, a series that explores the depths of Peter and Neal’s relationship four years pre-canon—when Neal was first arrested. I’ll honestly just say I absolutely adored writing these fics.

Tough Love Doesn’t Have To Be Brutal

Words: 2.3k

Summary: Peter Burke comes home from one of the most triumphant days of his career saddened and confused and learns a few things about Neal Caffrey from his wife.

Preview: “Peter let out a long breath, and looked up at her, ‘El, the day I caught Neal Caffrey was supposed to be one of the greatest days of my career.’

‘And it isn’t?’ Her expression was sympathetic and a bit confused. He shook his head.

‘There was nothing great, El, about arresting an intelligent, friendly, stupid kid whose been showing off to the world in the most idiotic way and watch him struggle damn hard not to fall apart from the consequences.’”

Notes: Second part of my three-part “Justice and Compassion” series. Like all three, it can be read individually but I think it builds a fuller story with the other two.

Weighed and Not Found Wanting

Words: 3.6k

Summary: Both agent and criminal are stunned by the unexpectedly harsh sentence, but Peter’s concern for Neal brings important questions—and even more important answers—to light.

Preview: ““Why do you care?”

The question seemed to come out of nowhere and Peter just stared in horrified confusion.

“That you don’t get beaten up or assaulted?”

“No,” Caffrey’s voice was quiet, “just about me—in general.”

The question, asked with such confused sincerity, broke Peter’s heart.””

Notes: Third and final fic in my “Justice and Compassion” series. If you held a gun to my head and told me to pick which of my fics is my absolute favorite...it would probably be this one. It’s just so caring, with boatloads of h/c. Like the other two it can be read individually but is much better with the others.

Intentionally Uncommon

Words: 1.6k

Summary: A casual incident on a stakeout leads Peter to reflect on where Neal Caffrey came from...and why he’s hurting.

Preview: “Something had caused a sweet young boy to rebuild himself, piece by glossy piece, until he was something else entirely: something special, different, quality—something far beyond the ordinary.

When Peter really thought about it, his heart broke for the young boy who had really never stopped running from his past.”

Notes: One of those sweet simple fics—a moment where Peter realizes early into their partnership that Neal isn’t as put together as he’d like to pretend.

Perfectly Fine

Words: 3.1k

Summary: Neal is struggling and won’t let himself ask for help—but help comes anyway in the form of an observant and caring Peter Burke. A story that explores how Neal deals with pain and how Peter learns to help him.

Preview: ““I’m fine.” Oh, Peter was so sick of those words—empty, deflecting, completely untruthful, and used like an iron shield to keep compassion at bay. It was a constant refrain with Neal, “I’m fine, don’t worry about it.” ...Peter knew Neal too well now to dismiss those shallow “I’m fine’s” with a shrug.”

Notes: Angsty h/c sick/exhaustion fic. I was going for a fluffy uncomplicated sick fic and...yeah it didn’t turn out that way. But we’re all suckers for the angst so no apologies. The interesting thing about this one, it deals with Kate’s death but it’s not a story about Neal dealing with Kate’s death—it’s a story about how Neal deals with pain in general and Peter helping Neal through. Watching an interview with Matt Bomer he talks about how Neal is the type to fight grief with action and not to mope around...which is why I think that this description of Neal running himself into the ground is rather accurate.

The Way Neal Caffrey Saw It

Words: 3.0k

Summary: Peter stumbles onto a part of Neal that he’s never seen before and learns a thing or two about the world through Neal Caffrey’s eyes

Preview: “Neal’s expression was intent, expertly focused as his hands moved over the canvas. But it was the open, peaceful, joy on his friend’s face was the most startling part of entire scene. There was an almost childlike openness in Neal’s expression that was so many miles from the usual sauve and cool front the man put forward every day that the agent just stared, mouth hanging slightly open.”

Notes: Looking at the artistic side of Neal. I think Neal’s artistic talents and sensibilities are not so often touched on in the fandom (perhaps reflective of the show) which is a bit of a shame as I think there’s a lot of potential there. I’m honestly not quite sure how to characterize this fic otherwise. Unlike my usual, the focus is not angst and h/c (though there is some) but more...human connection/emotion I guess?

So You’re The Greatest Con Man of the 21st Century?

Words: 4.7k

Summary: Peter has to care for his sick CI and finds he doesn’t actually have to dig too deeply to be good at it. Basically pure sick fic with both of the boys looking out for each other.

Preview: “Peter felt suddenly and intensely protective as Neal settled, his face too hot against Peter’s shoulder, his skin too hot against the rag on his neck, everything too hot as he curled up against his handler like an ill child seeking comfort. There was something bizarrely intimate about the fever, lowering Neal’s defenses so drastically, leaving him so unusually reliant...”

Notes: A lot of my fics have been more emotional angst and hurt/comfort focused but I was rereading some of my old favorite saved fics and was reminded of how soft and happy a pure sick fic can be so I wrote one!

A Random Nothing of a Day in November

Words: 1.5k

Summary: It’s just a normal day in White Collar when Peter gets the sudden and rather stunning revelation that Neal is more than just his CI.

Preview: “The idea of having a ‘best friend’ had felt a bit like a middle school distinction to Peter most of his life, but he was wondering now if, maybe, it was because he had never actually had a best friend—not really—until now.”

Notes: Just soft and happy and deliciously fluffy, exploring some of the everyday dynamics of the White Collar office and Peter and Neal’s relationship while also exploring Peter’s thoughts on his relationship with Neal.

A Sapling of Trust

Words: 3.2k

Summary: Written from a request for a fic about Neal’s trust in Peter.

Preview: “Neal had no family. No ‘inner circle’. For Neal Caffrey trust was no commonality, no every day occurrence, it wasn’t something that was a natural part of life, love, and relationships. Trust was something Neal had never truly had in any person. Neal’s trust was an exquisite and precious gift, something that had never been created before. And Neal had given this gift to Peter.”

Notes: I got inspired and wrote this in a day so kindly overlook my mistakes. I know (well, hope) that actually getting something out there will really help me truly get over my slump.bI also feel like this piece reads a bit differently than my usual style, perhaps because it is less focused on any one event and more on an overarching character trait. I do like expanding my horizons though so I don’t mind.

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When I talk about the Peter Burke protective shoulder grab, y’all know exactly what I’m talking about.

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👆👌🙂

White Collar in a nutshell: Protective FBI Dad and Disaster Criminal Son solving crimes, keeping secrets, and looking out for each other.