#i fully get why i need them now
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Officially been diagnosed as an "exhausted asthmatic" today which is hilarious to me. I've been sick consecutively for months, and it turns out it's all been one huge asthma attack encompassed with burnout🤨 On the plus side, my eGFR and ECG were great, so my vital organs will survive through my next bottle of Sauvignon Blanc✌️
#living in my rudy era fr#i was honestly expecting my blood results to be shit but we move#genuinely thought i have some autoimmune problem but nah i’m just gasping for air all the damn time apparently#it ain’t easy being wheezy#I’ve lived me entire adult life without inhalers#i fully get why i need them now#it’s nice to breathe like a person y’know?#asthmatic#asthma#healthcare#burnout#twenty something#adhd#adhd in women
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This is the last time I'm going to be annoying about this, I swear.
A few examples of that I, a gifmaker, personally love seeing under the tags:
Analysis of said scene, show, or character, especially the long ones going in depth that span like 1000 words
People saying how crisp the GIFs look and how nice the coloring is THANK YOU. ILY GUYS. That's always huge praise for me.
Reacting with how emotional you got with the scene. How painful and emotional or how touching a scene is.
People making funny jokes, memes, comments, etc.
Literally ppl horny posting LMAO. It's super funny to read and I love seeing all the unhinged comments.
Seeing how much you loved the show and its characters
Things I don't like seeing under the tags. And these are just two very specific things:
How much you hate the show, how much you think a scene is bad, how much you hate a character, the ship, the creators, etc. or how much you dont like this ship anymore, calling a ship horrible because ____ reasons. OKAY! I get it! But I don't want to see that. Make your own hate post on your own blog! You're free to have an opinion on how much you hate something. Just do it on your own blog.
Asking why I leave out certain scenes out, why I decided to gif this scene, or not gif more of these characters. Sometimes, I'm just exhausted. I can overlook things. You guys don't know how draining making gifs can get to me, especially the scenes that are really long. But I do it because I LOVE Arcane, the story, and the characters, and the particular scenes that I make gifs of. I have my own biases too. Of course I’m making them first. Please, just make them yourself instead of complaining under the tags of my edits. Yes, I can see them.
Don’t get me wrong, I wholeheartedly appreciate everyone who supports and follows the blog. I want to make a million more HQ gifs of this amazing show, but sometimes, the very rare negativity can still get overwhelming, to the point where it demotivates you.
Arcane is extremely special to me because it's such a fantastic show, and that alone motivates me in trying to create more GIFs. Honestly, if it was any other fandom or show? I would've probably left already. Arcane is THAT great.
I know the block button is there. I use it too, but sometimes, the amount of effort and time you exert to create FOR FREE just isn’t worth it. And that’s why gifmakers and creators stop making things for fandom. It’s not fun anymore. It’s not worth it.
Some people think that making my style of GIFs is easy. Then great! Since you think so, then do it yourself and help create for the fandom too! I wholeheartedly encourage you to do it!
TLDR: Don't be rude on people's fanwork, especially when they are created FOR FREE. If you don’t like their fanwork, you can make them yourself.
#personal tag#long post#ok i will shut up about this topic but i really really needed to get it out#this is the very last complaint post you’ll see about this fr just let me fully rant abt it just this once#to the people who listened to my grievances thank you too you guys know who you are#and if ur here thank u for reading this#ive pumped out what.... 20 gif sets in three days........ and posting a lot will defo get some irritating comments#i know i cant control them but sometimes u accidentally see some and it just affects you#theres a reason why my inbox comments and mentions are closed and sometimes its because some people can be fucking insufferable#janna give me strength in the next few weeks#and if u see me randomly disappear and stop creating then u know why#but for now my love for the show transcends all of this and im going to try my best to avoid seeing annoying comments on my edits#idk if other gifmakers get it but like..... yeah i hope i can have thicker skin#ive rested and recovered from being tired and demotivated but the whiplash you get at the heat of the moment is insane sometimes lol
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Don’t think I ever quite said what my LGBTQ+ headcanons are for the boys, so these are my current thoughts! Always changing of course but this is what I feel most strongly right now.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt headcanons#rise donnie#rise leo#rise mikey#rise raph#donnie and leo’s sexualities being practically swapped was unintentional but it works way too well#same with mikey and raph tbh it was a happy accident#anyway I kinda hc raph as the type who doesn’t care about physical appearance just if you fight lol#Mikey’s more than happy with friends and family#Donnie is a BIG romantic but he needs time to sus a person out fully before he gets the hots for them#leo meanwhile isn’t keen on romance unless it’s with someone he grows to really really REALLY trust#I could go on and probably will later (knowing me) but it is late and I am tired haha#turtle art tag#curious as to what everyone else headcanons#the only one of these I’ll defend forever is Bi (female-leaning) donnie and trans leo#all the others can change over time but I really like where they’re sitting right now#I hope these are the right flags too because it was kinda hard to find them#went looking for transmasc flag in particular but I couldn’t find a solid agreed upon version 😭#ngl a big part of why I hc mikey as aro is because of a pun#my phone often misspells aromantic as aromatic and- and you get it- because aromatic herbs and- and Mikey is a chef do YOU GET IT#note that while I hc leo as bisexual (male-leaning) I still think he’s prob closer to demi in that as well just not as far into the spectrum#if that makes sense#headcanons are fun and hard to narrow down at the same time alas#I made this in like an hour can you tell djjdjd#I drew them all from memory so if there’s anything wrong…shhh#and if you’re wondering for April and Splinter#Both are Bisexual (female-leaning) but April is also Panromantic#I almost wanna make Splinter demiromantic too so Big Mama’s betrayal hits just a bit harder
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Personal headcanon about the "you picked the wrong dellamorte" line, I don't think illario actually likes rook outside the context of them being someone close to lucanis. Like rook on their own isn't much to him, but when they meet it's yet another person talking about his cousin (why isn't he good enough for whatever job they're hiring for?) and on top of that they somehow bring him back from the dead (another whole can of worms for illario). Now he starts turning on the charm, but whether he's actually interested or this is just one more thing his cousin has that he doesn't and it gets under his skin, who knows. Either way, rook ignores illario, the guy who lives off his charm, and is instead interested in the guy who's never even dated before and thinks giving someone a knife is how to flirt. Infuriating
NO THANK YOU !! i am genuinely sorry if i have ever implied illario is into rook like i see some takes about it and unless it like ties into your rook's personal backstory i don't seriously think he's romantically jealous. at all. my enjoyment of that line stems from illario's pathological need to make it about himself and not see his strengths but what lucanis has, and therefore what he doesn't. he's annoyed enough to try and goad you in the middle of a fight about the 'wrong' dellamorte and completely blind to the fact that the venatori are at best, a stupid fucking alliance, and at worst, a cult that will devour the crows from the inside out and illario would have been the one to give them the keys. he sees lucanis make allies, needs his own, and instead of charming the other talons/houses as he should, he (probably spitefully) picks the venatori. or maybe he just thought it would be easier. ugh he makes me want to telekenetically throw him around
#and you raise a very hilarious point too LMFAO#not that he is jealous. just mad as hell its not working <3 I LIKE HIM VERY MUCH AND A NORMAL AMOUNT#to be clear i think his characterisation changed dramatically from wigmaker's job and a lot of his uh#very rash decisions about achieving power feels like they just needed a traitor character for lucanis#to really max out the use of spite. i really wish honestly that there was some canon support for illario#who would probably be a little more liked/popular than lucanis. bc lucanis is respected by the crows#but he's also a very distant 'dellamorte heir' figure. respect is not the same as being liked. so you know#there's the serious assassin with a rep for how good he is at killing#and there's a friendlier assassin with a rep for sweet talking#and neither of those reputations are necessarily true. but i know which one i'd be less afraid of#and i think illario would know that. and be able to use that. BUT WE DONT GET IT. WHATEVER.....#illario dellamorte#veilguard spoilers#answered#also we're introduced to an illario that understands being a crow. and has had all that drilled into him since childhood#why. would he. ally with the venatori.#why would he put himself into a situation that he couldnt control. other than 'the story needs a villain'#what im trying to say. is . there were the makings of a crow civil war here that ends with him tragically dead#if you asked me to expand on this i dont think i could. but like the main issue being the crows not standing together making#the antaam invasion worse (btw regarding this why the fuck were the antaam even invading) so lucanis' quest is#idk. something like uniting the crows together and potentially repairing his relationship w illario#or hardening him and convincing he needs to kill illario#this is me spitballing. dont even mind me#(glances at the 'illario mention' alarm going off in the background)#EDIT: AND ALSO IT JUST CAME TO ME#killing illario as an ending also makes lucanis first talon (oh we're really in the cycles now)#forgiving illario ends with illario becoming 'talon' tho he and lucanis work closely. like a ceo vs cfo#and ends with them repairing their relationship#in the ideal world lucanis would fully leave but im alright with crows making small steps towards becoming a bit healthier
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Some fantasy traveler inventory details (like what they would carry in their bags), based on two of the recent costumes I did.. love finding random little scraps and items and putting them together lol
#it's obvious who's is who's since they match their outfits HOWEVER.. consider if they were switched lol#evil villain looking man carrying around pressed flowers in a cutesy lacy pouch#fantasy costume#what's in my bag#actualyl that would have been funny to make a video. I should make a video#I'm sure someone else has already done this#but like.. lifestyle vlogger type content however I'm dressed in fully costume as some weird elf or something#pulling things out of my bag and showing them to the camera and talking about how they're useful for whatever#but it's all fantasy scenarios and talking like it's very common#'and of course. i know it's a bit cliche#EVERY traveler has one of these. but you know. theyre just useful! thats why everyone has one!' *pulls out a completely unrecognizable item#thats like some weird fantasy world prop and doesn't even explain it because In-world it's normal and wouldnt need to be talked about*#'room tour' video and it's just like 'yeah I sleep on this mat under a bunch of trees uh.. over here by these rocks. at least right now. I#kind of wander around a bit. so'#Like a clothing haul but it's a potions shop haul or something and they ramble about some obscure drama in the potions community and how the#y hard to barter and steal and entire flock of sheep or something just to get one of them. etc. etc.#I could do ones for different characters too like. multiple people from different walks of life showing what they carry around with them.#just like this but more interview sort of vlog format instead of photos#This is where not having much money and not having my own house with land becomes an issue though#I think it would take you out of the illusion if the background was always the same. I can make small sets because there's one blank wall in#a room that it's easy to move all the stuff away from in front of and clear a spot and like hang up fabrics or whatever but still.. hmms#So one of those 'fun idea but dubious about handling the execution' things. also One Of Those Things where without looking it up you're 100%#sure it's already been done and you don't want to look weird since it's vaguely niche. Like if 100 people have done something it's fine but#if only like 3 other people have then you look weird maybe ghhjbj.. or only one other person gods forbid. looks even weirder potentially#Or do people not care about ''copying'' anymore?? idk. I'm not updated with the internet's changing culture. I just have a fear of accidenta#lly doing something like that and then people getting mad even though it's really just that I competely had no idea it had been done because#again.. I live under a rock and am unaware of everything lol. ANYWAY. also would require my face being on video which I don't like. Though I#would be in costume so that helps. I think to be fully comfortable I'd need light modifications to make my face look different. which isn't#hard but is more effort when it has to be translatable in multiple angles. ANYWAY. ghjbhj... Now I think it would be funny actually. maybe#one day. I haven't made any videos (aside from on the gameplay/sims channel) in a long long time actually. hmm'st
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yknow sometimes the way trans women talk about testosterone and being on estrogen is indistinguishable from the way terfs try to convince afab people not to start hrt
this is not a criticism mind you, their experiences are their own and completely legitimate, it's just a matter of competing needs - they need a safe space to talk about their dysphoria and how testosterone makes them feel and i need to not hear about how i am destroying my body with hrt
ordinarily these things are pretty insular to transfem circles but since instagram has been feeding me transfem content i'm seeing it more and more and yet again the algorithm is fucking me
#ransomrambles#like a friend of mine in absolute genuineness told me how my skin was gonna stop being soft and my hair was gonna thin out#and she obviously wasn't trying to dissuade me from hrt .... but like ..... thanks for leading with that mate#with estrogen it's the - no downsides- people often say there aren't many downsides to taking e - save some erectile dysfunction#but when it's the other way it's - make sure you're really sure cause you're permanently ruining your body forever#like i get that - my skin feels so soft now - is an estrogen experience ..... but the reverse framing is not helping anyone here#that's just all you hear about testosterone hrt - a list of downsides you'll have to cope with#idk this isn't a fully constructed thought#like i said trans girls deserve the space to have that conversation#i just need to not be in that space cause it obviously hits me differently#but man the sheer volume of trans girls talking about the /damage/ t has done to them .... in dis tinguishable#the aside to this is also a lot of girls being like i realized i was a girl cause of xyzq#and the list is the same as the one my mother used to be like - see you must be a girl#so it's just tough#competing access needs are hard to manage#and that's why life is best on the curate your own experience webbed site
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alrighty I'm done reblogging old asks 👍 and before I sleep, have a little preview of the art I mentioned being busy with:
I am finally getting to work on swapfell mh :]
#holoskart rambles#I've got the main cast fully designed now although the concepts are way too small and messy to post#but there will be no waiting months/years between sets of character sheets. you're getting All Of Them#plus a bigger piece of the cast all together which is what the above sketch is from#so. I hope you can understand why it needs time to cook ahah#but I've been sat on these ideas for so long and I'm looking forward to putting them out there :>
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I think gwynriels victim complex phenomenon needs to be studied like it's probably where the projecting into Azriel white-savior and fuckboy made-up personas came from. it's all clearer now...
#acotar#they are like if the boy that screamed wolf didn't stopped lying it's kind of that#i say it before and i reiterate: they are this worked up for a ship that literally was made BEFORE acosf was fully out and the BC wasn't#known yet... let that sink in#if book text directly is contradicting your words. the characters are. the casual readers are. the readers before you are and now published#articles (made by people professional in their field and probably with their own degrees too) are saying what you think MIGHT be very wrong#idk girl i would think a little of why is that instead of calling someone a misogynist for DARING to tell “no ellen that didn't happened”#everyone have biases even elriels that also had studied literature will have it but the diff is that no one is using that to proof how a SA#victim is mated and gonna have a quick heal of her trauma for your book bf.... AAAaanyways this the last post i gonna make about this#*btw i think that user mentioned being harassed which of course hope she stays away from those that insult her and don't let them get to he#but yeh the degree situation was unserious and silly. no need for anyone to get mad or hate anyone for that just laugh and let's move on
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(blood warning) guys i got a tattoo for switch :3 from harajukutattoo 💜💜💜
this was the original idea i had but the artist worked with me to help make it more simple and cutesy for a tattoo design cause i designed it from just an artist’s perspective
shes so cute and i’m obsessed with her it was worth the pain and the migraine i got from no caffeine
#cw blood#tw blood#rambling#enstars#sniffles i love it so much she’s soooooo cutesy#i really really wanted something that represents them but not in a completely obvious way like#something that if you know enstars and switch you’ll know what it is but otherwise it’s just#a cutesy pretty little piece#i haven’t gotten like fully into it but the last two years have been sooooo rough for me and my family and it’s honestly sucked so bad#and i have had some very Very bad days#but switch has helped me through them LIKE ITS SO STUPID ITS EMBARRASSING BUT#LITERALLYTHEYVE HELPED ME SO MUCH. they brought me so much happiness#if i didn’t have switch to cheer me up i would have just been drowning in my depression and anxiety so bad#but they helped me through university they helped me through the family stuff that happened#they mean the world to me and now i get to immortalize that on me forever i didn’t even realize#how much rhey meant to me until i was explaining this to my artist#she was like what’s the significance why do these characters matter to you enough to get a tattoo of them#and i was like girl. let me tell you.#anyways sorry for this rant i needed to speak
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i'd like to interrupt whatever your broadcast is to bring you a message from our sponsors
#Fluri#at first. AT FIRST. i was suspicious of the wrapping color. BUT I LET IT GO.#and then I got the sidequest for this weapon done and LOOKED at it and was like. wait. that's not. that's. no I've seen this in Yuri's hand#bruh i shoulda just listened to my instincts i let it go and i didn't even need to my instincts were right#my fluri radar just goes OFF sometimes with them and i may not know why at a given moment#but i've now learned and have accepted that when it goes off i should just accept it#this is a shitpost but also ??? im so embarrassed for these two and so happy for their lack of shame#i know gachas like to give a little extra flare to designs but???#same wrapping??? same roses??? same color scheme??? basically same grass accessories???#the bottom bow is just more designed but same color class??? siiigh#i was just going through all my weapons that i needed the skills from so i could get them all learned#while doing post game content/optional dungeons and then they smacked me in the face with their bouquet#the question is who gave it to who bc they are both fully capable of this with each other......
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ughhh I need to stop having mental breakdowns over little things.
#vent in tags#chat sesh with iris#vent#tw vent#I feel like everyone hates me and even you all hope I die and nobody likes my ships bc everyone thinks I’m not good enough for my f/os#and the worst part is that none of it is unfounded!!!#none of my friends are talking to me AT ALL anymore even when I start conversations#(including in text)#while they actively talk to other people WHERE I CAN SEE IT!!!#only one of my friends is and all they do is send me anti bs and go ‘omggg these people are so weird!!!’ about like anyone who ships with-#certain characters (including ones that I SHIP WITH!!! which is why I don’t talk about it other than here)#people are like ‘omggg… I hate it when men like these characters. you don’t get them and they’d never love you.’ about my f/os#which triggers dysphoria and self loathing and fear about my ships#tw suicidal ideation#<- somewhat#I don’t like anything about myself and I don’t deserve anything that I have#man. I don’t even want to be here anymore#also I have severe mental illness that has caused a lack of possibility for happiness that lasts longer than fleeting moments#I have not spoken (like aloud) to anyone other than my parents since THE THIRD!!!#I’m going to ask my psychiatrist for testosterone on Wednesday but idek if I’m gonna make it until then#probably I will because I’m too depressed to gather the energy to do it#also she might even say no or not be able to prescribe it#and this isn’t even why I’m the most upset rn but I REALLY need a win#also my mom was like ‘you haven’t given me another name so I’ll just keep calling you the name I gave you 😊😊😊.’ instead of. idk. asking me?#tw suicide#okay yeah the tag is fully warranted now#I like know how I’d do it and everything#I also had a panic attack because I couldn’t find my quilt hashtag just autism things!!!#not takeover#obviously
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I have a oneshot about Yunli meeting Blade slow cooking like a roasted turkey in my brain right now and I'm feeling a bit insane
#i havent been able to putmy full thoughts together for the planned post#whoch is part of why i want to write the fic to fully get out some of them and get my barings with the rest of my ideas and ponderings#i need them to meet so badly#i need the idealized image of yingxing that huaiyan out in her head to completely be destroyed by meeting blade as he is now#i need her to be completely caught off guard#and i may or may not need him to aggrivate her by barely giving her the time of day when she wants to fight#i have a lot of plans...#and Im actually writing them now so this i should be able to finish over the ever changing outline of my yx fic#yunli#hsr blade#hsr#honkai star rail
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detective comics #509
[ID: Bruce Wayne sleeping in his penthouse, his eyes squeezed shut as the narration reads, ‘Gordon's strained laugh sounds hollow, but it echos in the Batman's mind... and haunts his dreams...” Bruce awakens to a hand on his shoulder and before he can think, he's twisting it and holding it down. The panel expands, revealing the hand belongs to Alfred as he's almost toppling over! He cries out, “M-master Bruce—my arm!” as Bruce groggily realizes who it is. He lets go at once as Alfred moves to the end of the bed and holds his arm while stammering an apology, “S-sorry, s-sir... Sorry if I startled you.” Bruce looks at him with aghast as he cries out, “My god, Alfred—I almost broke your arm!” Alfred reasons, “You must have been having a nightmare, sir.” as Bruce sits up and puts his face in his hands. He weepily dismisses, “A nightmare—what kind of an excuse is that? Old friend... forgive me...” Alfred reassures, “Nothing to forgive, sir. Just bad nerves, sir.” END ID]
#THIS ONE !!!!#bruce and his neverending guilt complex#just immediately regretful and so apologetic as alfred is quick to reassure and dismiss it#holding his arm because of fucking course it still hurts but when bruce lifts his head he stops ....#always thinking of how he was a caretaker for bruce since he was a small child/infant and how many little things bruce does now will remind#alfred of those days#he likes his grilled cheese q certain way. he cries if he thinks he hurt someone. he blames himself for a lot. he gets bad nightmares#like so much has stayed the same as so much continues to change but the love and care thry have for each other is always there#(<- guy who is always number one in bruce is disabled and needs a caretaker but also in how the people around him know bruce loves and cares#about them. its not about not being loved its about how heavy his love is and how bruce will subconsciously use his love to harm himself#(from blaming himself to his parents murders and jason's future death to something as simple as this and how he'll beat himself up#for hurting alfred and not able to protect him as well from himself)#(like his mental illness is forever using his stupid bleeding heart against himself as a reason for why hes awful)#this is all fully sidetracked im just fucking wired today sorry lol#but while im talking and something more related to the panel itself::#after this line bruce looks up and says ‘the batman suffering from bad nerves? lets hope not. gordon can worry about the election but i#cannot afford to. still its not just the campaign. lately so many other things are pressuring me—mostly as bruce wayne’#and like !!!!#it wasn't about batman! it wasnt about his burdens and responsibilities!! alfred was telling HIM. BRUCE. that its okay#and bruce automatically ‘its not because batman cant behave like this’ like !!!!#batman is the priority in the sense of he thinks he needs it to protect people. even his family even alfred and every single stranger#he won't ever allow himself any grace even while sleeping because batman cannot afford those ‘slips’#just GOD 70s/80s batman makes me insane for forever and ever amen#c: detective comics | i: 509#crypt's panels#bruce wayne#alfred pennyworth#alfred & bruce#‘awake or asleep—it scarcely matters anymore. the nightmare never seems to end.’#<- nightmare bruce tag <333
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josé olivarez / yves olade (alt. version) / cab calloway / oscar romero
#twedit#sceoedit#tw#sceo#HI TEAM. I FEEL CRAZY#scott mccall#theo raeken#so its the first scene with scott and theo. scott recognizes theo but doesn't instantly trust him. scott is coming off of s4#he needs people to be good because he knows he can be bad. there has to be redemption because he needs to be redeemed#his own goodness doesn't feel inherent and so believing in the good of others is how he can believe in himself#he worries love is violence. he still can't trust theo on sight.#he trusts him by that scene in 510 where he says his friends have left him and theo says he can get them back for him.#theo is why he has lost his friends. theo has made this happen. theo has made scott love him so he can best hurt him. love is violence#and then the hug which breaks scott open. the skepticism on his face vs the way he clings to theo with his chin pressed into his shoulder#face half hidden in the bulk of theo. the way his chin falls onto theo's shoulders the same way when theo impales him#the way theo nestles closes in both gifs. the way both are acts of violence in different ways.#so we have the doubt and the trust in the first set and the act that finally made scott fully trust theo#and the act that fully destroyed that trust in the middle#in the last pair we have theo back in the position where he needs scott to trust him. scott wants to. the slow rebuild of their trust#bc now theo is vulnerable and scott cannot help himself! he can't. but he still tries. there's only love and violence#and then the scene that shows scott is willing to trust him again. theo at scott's back with claws raised.#theo standing still instead of walking toward or walking away.#scott looks to theo and theo looks away. but he raises his claws for scott. the violence we must do#the end is the real beginning#(also with the yves olade quote that's not the one in the book but it is a version circulating! and it worked for this!! so!!!!)
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Was doing so good holding it together today but now that I’m laying down and trying to sleep I’m tearing up and I can feel that I’m about to burst into tears any second now
#my mom called me like ten minutes before I was off work today#and asked if I had talked to my grandpa lately and I was like yeah some why?#I’ve been showing what I’ve been cooking with him and my grandma because I was proud of myself#and she was like oh so you know about his potential surgery?#and I was like. his what???????#apparently his pace maker is dying and malfunctioning and he needs a new one#but this is the third time it’s had to be replaced and as he’s gotten older he’s had a lot more health issues#and they’re not even sure his heart can handle getting it replaced…. he has an appointment tomorrow to find that out#and no one told me. no one fucking told me it was that bad and I’m so#like man my feelings on my grandparents are so insanely complicated but I do love them#I love them so much and they practically raised me and loved me more and treated me better than my mother EVER did#they’re the only family members I’ve ever been legitimately terrified and upset over not accepting me cuz I’m queer#like my mom and siblings? I could not give a flying fuck if they hated me for my gender or sexuality#if my grandparents had a bad reaction I think I would fucking kill myself#and idk the point is I love him and I’ve barely seen him at all the past few years because we live far away now and I never visit because I#hate the rest of my family#but what if he can’t have this surgery?????#or what if he can but something goes wrong??????#what if he’s dying and I’m only able to go down and see him one more time#and he could be fine. it might all work out and he could be fine#but man I’m terrified that won’t happen because WHY WOULD NO ONE TELL ME ANY OF THIS#and yeah no I’m fully crying now I can’t do this#he taught me to draw and he built the house I grew up in and he got me into lord of the rings and would take me book shopping#and and and I’m gonna fucking throw up#kaz rambles
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oh fucking BROTHER i just finished cleaning and had made smth to eat bc i finally convinced myself after all day that i wld feel better if i did (it’s been a HORRIFIC ed day) and i kid you not as soon as i sat down i dropped the whole thing all OVER myself and it FUCKING BURNED and HURT bc it was SCALDING !!!!! and then i had to clean up the ONE thing id convinced myself was okay to eat OFF THE FLOOR I JUST FINISHED MOPPING!!!!!! BROTHER. WHY ME.
#ed tw#dlt ltr#the reason i convinced myself to even eat was bc my hands were too shaky to paint my nails#which is pathetic. dude ur starving lol.#top tier sanity in my house tonite 👍 mental illness banished idk them#i did not however drop the plate from shaking. i was trying to put it on the table but i have horrible depth perception and#awareness of what’s in my vacinity. i drop crap and crash into shit all the time#idk what to do now that honestly threw me off so bad i sat there in silence for a solid minute#BBQ SAUCE ON MY TIDDIES#IT ACTUALLY WAS TOO I WAS FUCKING EATING A RIB PATTY#or i was going to. now idk what im doing.#horrendously sad and pathetic side note why are eds so invasive. ive been fully relapsed w it for like two weeks how did i get to the place#where i’m TERRIFIED to eat anywhere near four digits within days#whatever i need nicotine bye.
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