#i fucking hate it here i can't do it anymore

[sphinxluvduvwuv]

Fuck it really feels like that right now. It's to a point where I can't do anything but try to disassociate because the pressure is becoming too much. I'm Australlian, but I fear for my friends in the US. The friends who I have waited my entire life to have. I'm afraid of this shit coming here, and being unable to provide safe harbor for my friends should they need it. Nearly every night for weeks I've had nothing but nightmares about the end of the world. It's so hard because I can't consciously escape into my own world anymore, it's involuntary and happens when it's not convenient and doesn't when it would be. I've been having nightmares of nukes and bombs dropping and falling and the anxiety in my chest is constant now. I feel like I'm living in a constant nightmare. I've tried to shut off from it all but it's like no matter what I do the problems of the world keep finding me. I just can't escape.

I'm scared, I'm angry, I'm hurting and in mourning for the hope I once had for this world. It just feels like each day the light is fading and I don't know what to do, how to stop it. I've tried so damn hard to fight it. I don't understand how anyone could tolerate such evil in this world, and why I am expected to suck it up. It's just becoming too much. I just want to exist in peace without my life or the life of my fellow living beings under threat. Is that too much to ask? Or is humanity really so far gone that those of us who believe in true peace and love are the minority? Is hate all we've become?

Feeling rough lately.

[imsofreakingtired]

Hihiii I was wondering on how you think sevika would handle reader who has a mental illness? Like bipolar, bpd or anything like that

Btw I love ur fics and headcannons so much 😭😭

hii anon,, actually crazy cuz i have bpd and having a pretty bad episode rn so imma write a drabble. will probably take it down later and rewrite a more polished version to do ur request justice; i'm very very sorry for the rushed nature of this and the atrocious amount of projection you may see

content warnings: depiction of depressive episode/breakdown, self destructive thoughts, sh, panic attack

please please PLEASE do not read under the cut if these topics may be triggering to you. please take care of yourself

i'm not going anywhere.

___

you don't hear Sevika come in.

you don't hear anything.

you're stuck in your head. slippery muddy slope. you can claw at sanity and bite down on the thoughts but they'll pull you down eventually, and you guess you should have known it would catch up to you, all the sleepless nights and spiraling thoughts and sick, sick self loathing.

she fucking hates you. why do you even stay? leeching off her energy.

the water in the sink runs and runs, but you can't hear that either. the cold tile of the bathroom floor against your face. your eyes burn like someone's driving nails into them. it's not even crying anymore. something between hysteria and panicked gasps for air. your lungs seize and you breathe and breathe nothing.

get yourself together. get yourself together.

try to knock some sense into your head. your fists in your hair, then beating against your temples, the world momentarily spins dark.

you can't breathe, your throat's scraped dry. odd, almost, how your body can still produce so much tears when you can't even swallow, when you can barely feel your tongue, when your chest hurts so bad it feels like it'll tear apart.

get it together, fuck you, get it together-

"hey. hey."

a calloused hand closes around your wrist. pulls your hand away from your face. through your blurry vision you see Sevika kneeling on the floor beside you, looking strong and massive as a rock rising from the sea in that small bathroom. her eyes are sharp with alarm.

"what the hell happened?" she asks. her voice low and fast. she thinks you were in danger. doesn't know you are the danger. "what happened here?"

you can't speak. you're fucking furious at yourself for getting caught.

she pulls you up into a sitting position. checks you all over for injury. sees the raw marks on your forearms. sees the bruise forming on the side of your head. for a moment she doesn't say anything.

"i'm sorry," you whisper at last. "i'm so sorry."

she shakes her head.

"i just... i was... i don't know," your voice is so small and broken you aren't even sure if she can hear you. "i'm sorry."

"what are you saying sorry about?" she demands quietly.

"i don't know."

"why are you hurting yourself?"

"i don't know." you bite down on your tongue to stop another wave of tears. "i'm sorry."

"stop it. stop apologizing."

you try to take a breath. your lungs feel like they'll never be full again.

Sevika stands and turns off the faucet water. disappears for a moment. you sit and listen to the air settle, cradling your arms. this is the end. she's figured you out.

she'll leave you.

Sevika returns with a glass of water, kneels on the floor beside you again. "drink it. all of it."

silently you try to obey but your throat closes against the water and you set the glass down quietly on the floor.

"you should go," you say.

"what?"

"just...leave."

"i don't understand."

"i know you already want to," you say, but you're not quite sure if you're really saying it, or if the words are just that fucking loud in your head. "i'm just a burden to you. i don't want to be anymore."

a long silence follows. then Sevika says, "look at me."

you keep staring down at your hands.

"look at me."

you look up. Sevika's gaze is intense.

"just what the hell did i do or say to put that thought in your head?"

you shrug. it's a stupid motion. suddenly you're too tired to talk. you're too tired to do anything. you genuinely want her to leave, just so you can go back to the comfort of the bathroom floor, the static of your thoughts. but Sevika does not leave.

"what did i tell you?" she says. "go that long without any sleep and you'll be thinking up nonsense like that."

when you don't reply, she picks up the half-empty glass of water and places it carefully on the sink. then she wraps her human arm around you, her mech arm firmly supporting your legs, and lifts you up.

"you're going to bed. you're going to get some sleep. then you'll feel better."

"i can't sleep," you tell her.

"you will."

"i can't."

she carries you into the bedroom anyway, lays you down. then she sits next to you. smooths the hair away from your face.

her voice is gentler when she asks, "why can't you sleep?"

"the thoughts..."

"...they're too loud?" she finishes. "i'll beat the shit out of 'em."

you crack a small smile.

Sevika hesitates, as if hovering on a decision. then she unclasps her prosthetic arm and lays it on the table beside the bed. she lies down beside you, pulling you close to her.

"i'm not going anywhere," she says in a low voice. "you hear me?"

you nod once against her chest. her heart beats steadily against your ear, and your burning eyes close.

"i'm not going anywhere."

___

[eliotwaughdeservesbetter]

Buck can't stop looking at the door of the loft Tommy closed seconds or maybe hours ago. He doesn't understand what the hell has just happened. He asked Tommy to move in with him and Tommy left him with some dumb explanation. Wait. He asked Tommy to move in to THE LOFT. Why did he do this? He hates his loft. He hates being here, that's why he's been sleeping at Tommy's almost every night for the last 3 months. Then why he asked Tommy, who has a great house, to move in here? And why Tommy broke up with him instead of laughing and telling him to move in to his house?

Buck feels he's starting to hyperventilate, he's panicking. The loft is an open place but he feels like he's in a box and the walls are pressing on him. He needs to leave. Right now. But he can't move. The door is so far, it's impossible for him to reach to it.

Suddenly, the door opens and there is a breathless Tommy. He comes to Buck with big hurried steps. Without questions he pulls Buck off the stand and nudges him to the exit. In seconds they're in the hall. Tommy closes the door and looks at Buck with worried eyes.

"This fucking loft has his own mind now and apparently doesn't want you to leave" Tommy's words sound insane but he can be right. Buck's breathing is getting better the longer he's outside. He doesn't think he can pass out from hyperventilating anymore.

"How? How the fuck that happened and how you know this?"

"I don't how it happened, Evan. But i started to think something is wrong when i left the loft. And the further i went i could see how all this conversation went out of our characters. That was not us. Something was leading us, playing us and i think it was the loft. I always felt it doesn't like me but i thought it was about no walls. But i can see now, it didn't want me to be comfortable."

Well yeah here we are with loft who has his own consciousness and likes Buck too much. At first i had an idea about Buck's loft being cursed and that's why the break up happend. But then this happened. So yeah it's some stupid explanation of the break up.

[shrewmingledotcom]

vent in tags

[sciderman]

well - webtoons is over, gang

[infernal-lamb]

the lamb: yall mind if i explode into tentacles

havin a little fun with the lamb and potential tentacle body horror because i think sometimes they should be gross. why SHOULDN'T these God creatures be an affront to the nature of creation

[necromash]

Something something, one of my Pelle WIPs because I turned 22 today or whatever, twinning! 😁👍🏻

[bonebabbles]

What IS a redemption arc to these writers, exactly?

Because the ONLY thing that Clear Sky has changed about his behavior, by A Forest Divided, is that he's not actively murdering people. He's controlling. He's a bully. He's misconstruing the words of the StarClan cats to create a justification for why he should be in power.

He's even physically abusive again when he gets upset, later. And that's not even counting his sadistic, self-absorbed behavior in sequel books.

We keep getting passages like this;

Which keeps turning his murder and abuse into "Just A Little Mistake," explicitly PART OF LIVING.

Ghosts are tumbling out of the fucking heavens to powder his ass, forcing his mom to forgive him for absolutely nonsensical reasons, saying that killing Rainswept Flower was "predestined" and "just an accident" and he had no control over it, anyway(???). And now, here is the hollowed-out shell of Storm, who was driven out of the Clan while pregnant because Clear Sky's actions were getting innocent cats MAULED AND KILLED, insisting her abusive husband's behavior never drove anyone away and they just had their own paths to walk.

So what IS a redemption arc supposed to be to these writers?

If Clear Sky was NEVER actually that bad, in the 5 books we saw where he's a controlling, power-hungry monster who constantly resorts to physical violence, that what IS the change he needs to make? If it's both a mistake he's totally learned from, YET ALSO he's never done anything wrong??

Do you SEE how these are contradictory ideas? They can't exist together. It's like the writers are just grasping at whatever insane bullshit they can think up and throwing it on the page, because at the end of the day, what they do is write Fundamentally Good and Fundamentally Evil characters.

Because Clear Sky is one of their Fundamentally Good cats, he has nothing to confront. They try to say "the guilt is the worst punishment for him!" and also "He shouldn't feel guilty for anything he did!" and it leaves us with absolutely nothing.

[thr4shit]

sighhhhhh this beautiful sound

this shit's how we've been feeling. like the instruments, that floaty numb cold feeling but still PAINFULLY borderline aware but unable to like yknow ENJOY?

all we've got left is media. and even that's starting to stop doing anything.

but what the fuck can we do, yknow?

each time this happens it's just so god awful.

and it just keeps happening, over and over and over, with less and less breaks between.

what if one day I can't get out of it?

what if one day we're just stuck numb and cold forever?

what if one day all we'll feel is this numbness and the sadness and the rage?

what then? will anyone be there?

will anyone care?

will we just be alone?

why would we stick around then, huh?

we're already basically friendless.

who's gonna wanna be friends when we have no personality, hell, no existence or REALITY left?

who's gonna wanna be in our fucking vicinity when we're nothing anymore?

that feeling like drowning.

we're ALWAYS drowning.

just brought up for air to get plunged back into the ice cold water for another round.

how long until we don't get brought back up?

[traumagenica]

i love my husband but im gonna murder him if he defers moving out of nyc for one more goddamn month

[rapidhighway]

dad just sent me an ominous text to intimidate me ig

[a-rand0m-bl0g]

A

[apocalypticdemon]

I am so beyond ready to quit this job. Wednesday cannot come fast enough.

[ratinthevoid]

why did i believe i can ever come out to her

[aberooski]

If I get yelled at for sitting down or have to keep doing everybody's fucking jobs with no respect and just keep getting nothing but flack or get patronized by another fucking old person one more fucking time I stg I'm gonna quit.

[im2tired4usernames]

Ugh I was excited for today until I found out I'd have to spend it with people that actively make me hate being alive hate the future and drain me off all energy physically mentally spiritually like a vampire I can't stand to be around her she is the definition of stupidity and even then that's generous as fuck this bitch has filled her brain with so much garbage I watch her brain cells die at alarming rates every single time she uses her vocal cords her giggles make me want to jam a sewing needle into my ear repeatedly so I can never have to hear it again its a friendly reminder that my parents decisions this time my dad's constantly makes me want to die