#i fucked my sleep schedule and am pretty much nocturnal .

[archivestarlyht]

they should invent a 24 hour cafe 😭😭😭

[lolahasmoxie]

Conversations at 3 AM (E.M.)

PAIRING: Eddie Munson x Reader

WORD: 1.3k

WARNING: nudity, language, casual intimacy, established relationship, friends to lovers, mentions of getting pregnant, mentions of sexy times, heart-to-heart talks (Eddie & reader are 25)

CONCEPT: You and Eddie aren't used to people sticking around.

DIVIDER FROM @firefly-graphics

Even though you were born at 6 a.m. on the dot, you were a night owl through and through.

During high school and college, summer meant you became a nocturnal creature, much to the annoyance of your family. There was one person it never annoyed, though.

You had met Eddie in elementary school after he moved into the trailer across from yours. From the day you met, you had been thick as thieves. For years, your friends watched as you skirted the line of will they won't they, watching the other traverse dating and relationships with an envious eye. It wasn't until a year ago, when Eddie kissed you during the middle of a movie night, that you had finally become more.

Tonight, you'd had dinner at Steve's house with the whole gang, seeing as Mike, Dustin, and Lucas were all in town for a long weekend from college. The boys had planned a one-off campaign at your shared apartment the following night, and by midnight, you and Eddie were in your home.

Side by side, you brushed your teeth, trying not to laugh as Eddie made faces at you in the mirror. Once in your Queen bed, Eddie's hands began mapping your body, and in a practiced routine that felt like breathing, you let him love you until sleep came for you both.

However, this time, sleep only came for Eddie.

You had tried everything to fall back asleep: counting sheep, listing Metallica songs followed by Black Sabbath, breathing in time with Eddie. Nothing worked. So, as carefully as you could, you crawled out of his hold, placing your pillow closer to Eddie when he started to stir. As his gangly arms wound around the object, you entered your kitchen.

You had been at the table for a while when you heard soft footsteps coming down the hallway. Turning your head, you watch as your tall metalhead boy walks into the kitchen naked as a jaybird, cock dangling freely as his hands wipe at his eyes like a little boy.

"What time issit." he mumbles as Eddie comes up behind you. He wraps his arms around you, placing a kiss on your hairline. "Why are you still up?"

"Almost 3 a.m. and I tried to go to sleep, but no dice," you say. He nods in understanding before sitting next to you at the table.

"I was having this great dream; you were wearing that black number you wore to our last show at the Hideout? Anyway, you were letting me drag you to the bathroom to do unspeakable things to you when I woke up, and instead of rubbing against my pretty girlfriend, I was humping your pillow. By the way, I'm pretty sure there's a stain, and I'm sorry in advance." You can't help but smile as you dip a carrot into the hummus.

"Didn't want to wake you up. You know how I toss and turn when I can't sleep."

"So there's no reason you're up at almost 3 a.m. eating," he paused as he reached for the container of hummus. "Jalapeno hummus? Holy fuck, you're not pregnant, are you?"

"No, you asshole," you playfully slap Eddie's arm as he tries to play off his terrified expression. "Nice to know how you feel about the topic, though."

"I'm just warning you, we could be on a babymaking schedule to get knocked up; I will still probably freak the fuck out when it does happen, so just a heads up for when we get there."

"Duly noted." you chuckle. Eddie laces his hand into yours and brings them to his lips. You can feel his eyes on you; you know Eddie will give you your space to work out whatever is going on in your brain. But he's also a persistent asshole who won't stop until he finds out why you left him alone in bed. "Does this ever feel too good, Eds?"

"What do you mean?"

"Us. I mean, we disagree on things, but we never really fight. Being together with you has always just felt scarily easy; I've never had that with other boyfriends." You sigh as you look at your joined hands. "Feels like I'm waiting for something, but I don't know for what."

"Easy, I know what it is," Eddie says as he gives your hand a squeeze. "You're waiting for the other shoe to drop." When you meet his gaze, those cow-brown eyes study you, looking at you with more love than you think you can handle.

"Elaborate, please."

"You and I have always been alike," he begins. "our dating histories are littered with people telling us we were too much. Too loud, too needy, or too whatever. But here's the good part, babe. You will never be too much for me. Ever."

"You mean it?" You're impressed that he could sum up your feelings so succinctly. He grins at you, a beautiful smile spreading from ear to ear.

"Of course I mean it. I had to watch you date assholes for ten years; you really think I'm gonna let you go now that I'm lucky enough to call you mine? Not a chance, sweetheart." You reach out a hand and cup his cheek, and you can't help but smile when Eddie leans into your touch.

"Thank you, Eddie."

"No problem; you know, I had resigned myself to loving you from afar a long time ago. Sometimes, when I wake up next to you, I feel like I gotta pinch myself to make sure it's real."

"You're such a cheeseball," you tease. "Why don't you head back to bed? I'm gonna clean up and join you in a minute." You stand from your chair, but Eddie stops you with a tug of your hand. In a flash, you're on his lap. Your hands hold onto his shoulders, although you're in no danger of falling. Edde's grip is secure as he gives you a look you are all too familiar with. You speak his name, and he raises a hand to push the hair from your face.

"You know, it was very mean to leave me in that big bed all by myself," he begins, his hand cupping your cheek. You feel your body warm as his thumb caresses your cheek. "Why don't you let me take you back to bed and help quiet that big brain of yours. Sound good, sweetheart?"

You lean in to kiss your man, his arms wrapping tight around you as he fists your shirt in his hands. When his tongue runs along the seam of your lips, you happily grant him access, tangling your hands in his hair while you slowly start to grind against him. When you feel him hard and warm underneath you, you think you may never want to sleep again.

You both enjoy the kiss, neither of you rushing things. You pull back when you need air, and while Eddie's face is happy, there's something else. You raise an eyebrow as he licks his lips.

"You taste like salsa." You can't help but laugh as you lean forward and bury your nose in his neck. He pulls you closer, hands caressing your back like you're the most precious being in his universe. You can feel his chuckle as your chests press together.

You stay still for a moment to enjoy being surrounded by him. One of the things you loved about being nocturnal was how quiet the world was at almost 3 a.m. You hum contentedly when you feel Eddie's lips against your hair. You close your eyes, wanting to commit this moment, this feeling to memory.

"Alright," Eddie taps you on the ass and breaks the silence. "Let me take you back to bed, alright?" You climb out of his lap and softly kiss the corner of his mouth.

"I'll go brush my teeth. Why don't you go make sure the bed is warm." Eddie hops up, cock bobbing comically as he begins to do a naked run back to your room.

"I'll keep the home fires burning! If I fall asleep, wake me up with head!"

BONUS: THE NEXT DAY

Dustin: I'm just gonna have a seat here, and we can get started.

Eddie: fair warning, my naked ass has been on that chair.

Dustin: 😳

Dustin: like, recently naked?

Eddie: last night.

Dustin: you're a fucking animal.

Eddie: 😁

[dzpenumbra]

11/13/22

In bed before 3:30?! Gonna need it. I swear to god, on those "I can't sleep until it's light out" nights, I get like... one hour of daylight after I wake up. It's just miserable. This time change really fucks nocturnal PTSD folk like myself.

I slept pretty poorly last night, I've been nodding off since like midnight, but Max's hyperthyroid meds need to be done every 12 hours and I've been doing them at the 2's(ish). So here I am, tryin to reset my sleep schedule a bit.

There's a homemade candle place in town my mom and I are hoping to go to tomorrow to see if they have any raw beeswax I could get for sealing wooden beads. Today, I sanded down a big piece of layered greenstone/quartz into a sorta soapdish so I could use it as a mortar. I scraped off some incense resin and ground it up into a fine dust, and mixed it with the wax/honey/propolis stuff. Unfortunately, that stuff is more like a petroleum jelly consistency than wax, so it was pretty hard to mix properly. I imagine heating up wax to a liquid state and mixing in powders is much easier than trying to grind it into a gel with a rock. But it worked. Another unfortunately, the wax gel stuff has its own scent, which is pretty strong, so it kinda competes with the incense smell a bit. It's not bad, but it's not ideal. So hopefully I can get my hands on some good wax to play around with.

I tried the wax gel mix on a new handcarved bead, it definitely took a darker stain and the darkest of it went into cracks in the wood, accenting the grain, which was a nice touch. But I'm not sure it's really penetrating the wood the way a legit heated wax would, I'm afraid it's kinda just sitting on the surface. I made a few more blanks too. I broke out the old box fan grindwheel thing I jury-rigged a while back. I can speed up the grinding process pretty quick with it, but... I really just wish I had a lathe. I'm doing it all backwards. If the bead itself is stationary and spinning rather than the sandpaper, then I can get much cleaner symmetry. Right now, I'm really shaping it blind and praying I get it right, and it's not really necessary. I decided to take a tip from the internet and grab an old allen key I'm not using that fits into my portable rotary tool and sawed off the L section of it, just making it a straight shaft. Unfortunately, the bit is just... too small. The bead blanks just fly right off the end of it when I try to shape with it. :( So... might be looking into some kind of lathe or something? Something quiet, maybe even manual.

While my rotary was charging for that whole trial-and-error adventure, I went to the bathtub and sanded a bunch of softer stones with pretty cool color pattern in them into what will hopefully be beads. For like... and hour and a half. And my fingers are damn sore after that. I figured with softer stone, I can probably just use my portable dremel to drill a hole through. It's just gonna be tricky using a vice on something as small as like the tip of my pinkie finger.

So yeah, today was a lot of trial and error in using found materials to try and build up a stock of kinda... filler materials? Like... not centerpieces for jewelry, but accompanying beads, accents and such. Or centerpieces for simpler pieces. Figuring out a process is exciting but it can get a bit frustrating and it can really feel... unproductive. Because I have no idea if this process is even going to stick. But that's just how it goes, you have to try things to find out if it works for you or if it's not your thing. I think the wood beads are much easier to make than I thought and I can do those pretty easily anywhere. Stone might be trickier without making a ton of noise. Unless I take the tumbler route. But I'm really not sure how that's going to go over if I have neighbors... and I still would have to drill the holes. I don't know how I can make that not loud.

I have to go up to meet with my new landlord (at least someone who works at the building) next week. I'm a bit concerned because I'm not really sure how I'm going to work around Max getting her meds. If I give her the 2PM meds... then I drive up immediately... I'm getting up to the new city around 4:30ish. I guess that's not too bad, but it's the earliest I can get there, and I'm going to have to head back later that night too. So I might as well take a load of stuff with me when I go, I guess? I'll have to brainstorm that tomorrow. The move is starting to get real. It's 1/4 exciting, 1/2 scary and 1/4 no feelings because I'm not really processing it fully. Could be worse!

I played drums again today because skating didn't work out. I didn't record, but I did jam out and it was pretty damn good today. I remember very clearly one sorta hip-hop beat that I was absolutely killing it on. It's such a cool feeling when you really get in the groove and are just locked in. I've never felt that with actual people while on drums, but I imagine it's pretty crazy. I just wanted to share that moment because it was really a highlight of my day.

My Rimworld colony is heading into their second winter and we rescued in a 4 year old boy and 7 year old girl, both orphans. It's... odd... having children around a grim survival situation, but they're doing great and the growth and learning system in the new DLC looks very interesting. I'm curious to see how things turn out. The colony is very stable right now, we even have a solar grid, batteries and a heated greenhouse so that (hopefully) food can be grown even when it's -30F out, cutting down that dreadful reliance on hunting in the winter, which can be pretty rough. We have a good stockpile of food, a reliable power supply that's not dependent on fuel, tons of hay for the yaks (plural, and Savannah, the original yak, has a mate and a child now) and the cows (I think we have 3 or 4 now). This colony has had a lot of twists and turns, it never goes how you plan. The new DLC is pretty cool I guess, it's just kinda weird when you think you're fighting a dude and then suddenly he just starts breathing fire at you and you're just like... "what the fuck are you, dude!"

Time to catch up on sleep. Fingers crossed for a sunny day tomorrow, I'd love to get the board out a few more times before the snow hits! Then out comes the snowskate!

[cassowary-rapture]

Found another job ad for the first company I applied with that involves a different transcription test and includes a link to the style guide, finally!! And it's not timed, thank god. So since I haven't heard back from them, I guess I'm gonna do that either tomorrow or Monday, depending on how distracting the house is and how much meeting G for lunch at noon tomorrow fucks me up. Look at me waking up before noon twice in one week and eating lunch hours before I usually eat breakfast

Whenever I see a psych again, I think I'm going to try to get back on Prozac for DSPD, because after the first month or so, I was waking up at around 9am pretty much every day (for...at least 6 months?). When I was first diagnosed I was really pissed off re: an entire lifetime of useless advice and being called lazy and irresponsible for not being able to sleep at night and basically embraced being nocturnal out of spite (and because night is fantastic and morning is disgusting) but I am kind of over that whole "fuck judgmental daywalkers" phase. If there is something that actually works and my sleep schedule could be a total non-issue, then why not take advantage of it

Definitely waiting until AFTER I move, though, because I want temporal isolation here. The TV is on for like 14 hours a day, from ~7am-9am, and I would like to continue sleeping through at least 6 of those hours

[dream-eating-youkai]

really fucking sucks when people don't understand that some people have different sleep schedules to them. like society is already Very Much Not set up for people who are awake at night (even though that's a better schedule for some people) and it makes it all the worse when people are a bitch to you for like. not sleeping at the same time as them? like my mom was like "you need to be on a sleep schedule that is functional for humans" like. i am. it's just one that happens to make you obscenely upset for no discernible reason and I can't help that. Literally have had people suggest LITERAL DRUGS (caffine and sleeping medications that I don't need) or melatonin (which you REALLY shouldn't take unless a doctor tells you to, it can really, really fuck up your ability to sleep properly. like a lot) to get me on a "natural" sleep schedule like. bro. if I have to take drugs to achieve it it isn't natural. Whenever I have to be up at day and asleep at night it really fucks with my health and makes me insanely tired all the time. also I literally cannot go to sleep at night unless I'm exhausted. because my body recognizes that it's Awake Time for me and keeps me awake. And I'm pretty much always tired during the day because that's Sleep TIme for me. This is a perfectly ine and normal way that some people are. The literal only issue with it is that society isn't set up for it (fixable) and some people get unreasonably upset by someone quietly being awake while they're asleep apparently (also fixable). If you just had more things be allowed to happen at night (places being open, jobs having a night shift etc.) and had some fucking people get over the fact that other people are different to them (very easy to do, almost everyone does it all of the time) then there would be Literally Zero Problem with people being nocturnal. just let me have a normal healthy sleep schedule I am begging you.

[wolfkillr]

Hi for the vampire ask, answer the three that stick out the most to you xoxo

fuck yeah free rein

Dracula: Do you like sweets? What kind do you like? Can you cook or bake? What do you fancy eating?

i don't have a massive sweet tooth but i like cake as much as the next guy. not to blow smoke up my own ass but i am a pretty great baker and i've been cooking a lot more / getting better at it since moving out and having to cook for myself! i love anything with potatoes i am a huge fucking potato slut

Nosferatu: Are you a night owl or an early bird?

i always feel a lot better when i'm up early, but i'm a night owl through and through. my sleep schedule was irreparably fucked up by covid though and i cycle monthly between being normal and actually nocturnal, as literally anyone that interacts with me semi-regularly will tell you

Lestat: Describe yourself in 5 words.

melodramatic and strange mean lesbian :)

thank u rach ! <3

[demonprincezeldris]

So because it's 2 am, and I'm pretty sure I have a fever and that's why I can't sleep, and class is gonna suck tomorrow, I'm gonna write to, at the very least, pass the time. This is your warning, I'm drowsy and feverish, and my writing rn will probably reflect that.

It had been several months since courting began. The first couple were exchanging gifts, interacting with each other, sleeping together. Not in the sexual way. Nesting, Zeldros explained to him, was very important to people of the underworld, especially demons, as it was meant as a safe space for rest and comfort. That's not to say they DIDN'T sleep together.

Arthur laid in bed, between Zeldris and Gelda. They'd all been asleep after their... activities, but he'd woken up and he wasn't quite sure why. He glanced out the window, where dawn was just barely starting. It was still dark out, but whatever woke him, It wasn't something dangerous, Zeldris’s sense for that was FAR more honed then his was, if something was threatening them, he'd have been the first awake. But his quiet snores, closer to little hitches in his breath than anything, continued to leave him at steady intervals. Gelda somehow maintained her grace even in her sleep, and unlike Zeldris, who's face was slack and drooling, she merely looked like she was resting her eyes. Though he knew she wasn't actually awake, because the ever constant, barely perceptible red glow of her eyes dimmed when she was unconscious.

He wondered what had woken him. Or, indeed, if it had been anything at all. He huffed out a quiet breath and carefully, Oh so slowly, crawled out of bed. Zeldris yawned and scowled adorably in his sleep when he could no longer feel him, but when his fingers brushed against Gelda, he rolled over to settle his back against her stomach, and her arm slipped over his waist as the two squeezed each other lightly before settling.

He smiled at them fondly, still a little disbelieving that he'd managed to snag THESE TWO, out of all the potential suitors in the world! He slipped his robe on, tying it before slipping out of the room.

He was a little surprised to see Merlin in his study.

"Merlin! I haven't seen you in a bit. Are you what woke me?"

"Most likely. I touched Excalibur to get your attention. It worked. Noted."

He laughed quietly and settled in one of the soft armchairs, one she wasn't already inhabiting. He'd originally had just two, but upon beginning his courting, he commissioned a couch that could comfortably fit all three of them.

"I wanted to come visit you. It has been awhile since we've just talked. How is courting with Zeldris and Gelda? Do they treat you well?"

"Oh, spectacular! Yes, they're very good to me, I love them a lot."

"Good. I'm glad."

They talked for a couple of hours, a comfortable tandem between them. Merlin had practically raised him, after all.

Eventually, his lovers filtered in. Gelda looked drowsy, but far more composed than Zeldris, who's hair stuck in every which direction, eyes still half closed. He squinted at Arthur, who smiled and gave him a wave. Zeldris mumbled something about him being damn early riser, the fuck is wrong with him, the sun was barely even up. Arthur just laughed quietly as the grumpy one stumbled over to the couch, where Gelda was already laying, and slipping into her arms.

Arthur did feel a little bad, he knew the two of them were naturally nocturnal and made accommodations for his own schedule. Zeldris admitted that, as a demigod, he didn't ACTUALLY need as much sleep as the average person, but he certainly preferred it. And Gelda was... well, Gelda. Something about vampires needing less sleep in general, just as long as they were well fed.

Merlin bid him farewell and teleported away. Arthur walked over to the couch. Gelda was just resting her eyes this time, which he knew because he could see the red glow through her eyelids. It was faint, always faint. Wouldn't see it unless you knew what to look for. Scared the shit out of him the first time he woke up to find a pair of glowing red eyeballs staring at him in the middle of the night. He totally didn't scream. Yes he did, he absolutely did.

Zeldris, on the other hand, was out cold once again, and Zeldris snorted wiggling his way onto the, thankfully quite wide couch. His favorite spot was between the two of them, but he was quite happy underneath the both of them too. Was he suffocating? Just a little. Was it worth it? YES.

Some time more passed and he agreed that he was ready. A woman named Melascula, who he'd met a handful of times, performed the ceremony at the end of the celebration. (The party was always held before, not after, since after, they'd always be far too overwhelmed and focused on each other.)

The three of them sat around her, and she pushed their souls out of their bodies gently. It felt... honestly, kind of terrifying, he didn't know how to describe the hollowness, the disconnect, and the only reason he didn't panic was because the two had warned him, over and over again, that this would happen, but it would be fine. Melascula was the most proficient soul handler in the entire underworld, and she did these ceremonies ALL THE TIME.

He felt a tug and Melascula pulled a thread from his soul and Zeldris’s. He could see the already existing thread between him and Gelda. They had agreed that Arthur would bind with Zeldris first, since he was the connecting piece between the two of them, and besides, Gelda got to be the one to human marry him, so it was only fair.

And as soon as the threads connected, settling into each other smoothly, he felt a rush of love and adoration and honestly a fair amount of lust too, and he knew that Zeldris was recieving the same back from him. The feeling doubled when the thread connected to Gelda too and he could see the triangle that formed, little glowing threads connecting the three of them. Melascula returned their souls to their bodies and got out of the way as the three lunged for each other, hugging and kissing and laughing and being just generally overwhelmed by it all.

They were bonded. Mated for life. And they couldn't be happier about it.

I hope you feel better! Fevers are terrible.

I loved this! This was written so well! Thank you for writing this. 🥺

[lovelylogans]

11 and Analogical for the prompt please?

diurnal/nocturnal

ao3 | other fics on tumblr | coffee?

warnings: uh, mention of someone putting something up their butt that should not be up there (virgil is a nurse, for context, no character does that) food mentions, sleep being interrupted, please let me know if i missed any

pairings: analogical, hinted future royality

words: 1,126

notes: more silly analogical should be In This World so the prompt “You’re a monster.” might not be as angsty as you wanted it to be lmao

Their schedules being opposite had always been a thing, but since Virgil’s taken on his job, it’s been to an even more extreme level.

Their bedroom door flies open. 

“I have to rant about academia, are you up yet?” Logan demands, sounding entirely too lively. Usually, Virgil would cite the time, but he lost that particular privilege as soon as he took on the night shifts at the hospital, so he can’t say Logan sounds too lively for six-thirty at night.

About three seconds later, Virgil’s alarm goes off. Virgil groans, pulling his pillow over his head.

“Virgil,” Logan complains (oh, he would so hate it if Virgil said he was complaining.) 

“You’re a monster,” Virgil whines directly into the mattress, as he’s made an attempt to keep his pillow over his ears, despite the fact that it won’t dissuade Logan.

“Good,” Logan says. “According to my calculations, it has been approximately eleven and a half hours since you’ve eaten. I haven’t had dinner yet. What do you want?”

“Hello, Virgil,” Virgil grumbles into his mattress. His warm mattress, that has never betrayed him by waking him up before his alarm. “Good morning, Virgil—”

“—factually inaccurate—”

“—did you sleep well? How was your shift last night? Oh, here, let me—”

As Virgil has been complaining, Logan has walked over to the bed. Virgil thinks, oh, good, he might sit down and calm down.

But no. Logan removes the pillow Virgil has clutched over his ears, and immediately thwaps Virgil over the head with it.

“Hey!” Virgil squawks, rolling over.

“Oh, my apologies,” Logan says. “I thought throwing open the door and immediately demanding your romantic partner, and I quote, wake the fuck up, Logan, you will not BELIEVE the bullshit that I had to deal with right before my alarm went off was how we were waking each other now, or have you forgotten your return from shift this morning?”

“I had to assist on a butt stuff thing!” Virgil says. “You love hearing about the butt stuff things! You’re overjoyed to get the opportunity to rant about the height of human stupidity!”

“At five-thirty in the morning?!”

Virgil opens his mouth. Closes it.

Logan sighs, but it’s less frustrated, more the kind of tone he takes when he’s forgiving of Virgil’s particular quirks and foibles, and he tosses Virgil’s pillow back. 

“You know very well that I am very interested in all your night nurse endeavors, as you are passionate about your career and I enjoy it when you are passionate,” Logan says, as if detecting any potential misgiving Virgil’s anxiety could possibly discern and twist into insecurities. “I also, yes, enjoy ranting about, as you put it, the height of human stupidity. However, I also value my time of sleep, and mentioned this. Remembering your behavior in undergrad, it is not like that was the first time you inadvertently woke me with some kind of fun fact you thought I would enjoy, and vice versa. Roman suggested doing this to swiftly demonstrate my… malcontent.”

“Roman did,” Virgil says.

“Yes, I know,” Logan says, “Never, ever tell him that I took his advice. But I believe we are now even. Do you agree?”

Virgil stares at him a couple moments. Logan is staring at him, very serious, very straight-faced. Everyone else would think he was straight-faced. But Virgil knows his boyfriend better than basically anyone else, so he can see the slight nervousness that this idea has backfired on him.

“Yeah, fine, we’re even,” Virgil says. Logan smiles, ever so slightly. “I keep forgetting that you aren’t on this schedule.”

Logan considers him, before he makes an attempt to flatten what Virgil is sure is some godawful bedhead. And Virgil, with a soft feeling fluttering in his chest at the look in Logan’s eyes, knows he’s forgiven for his earlier “waking-Logan-up-way-too-early” thing.

“Good evening,” he says, and leans over to peck Virgil on the lips. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah, pretty decent, I guess,” Virgil says. “How was school?”

Logan inhales, and it’s the specific kind of inhale Logan does whenever he’s about to start ranting about something, and Virgil tamps down his grin, because annoyed, ranting Logan was hilarious, and also a fantastic start to his day.

Well. Logan in general was a fantastic start to his day, except for when he was on a revenge plot that was hatched by Roman.

And so Virgil listens as Logan rants his way through the politics of academia as he makes them dinner/breakfast (tonight, it’s pasta; tomorrow, Virgil will make it, so it’ll probably be eggs) as Virgil kicks on the coffee machine, and ducks out briefly to brush his teeth.

He and Logan get to have a much more thorough hello kiss that way, one that almost gets carried away until Logan hears that the timer’s going of, and turns his attention back to their food. Virgil’s only a little sad about it.

It’s been strange, definitely, adjusting to their new life; Virgil as a night nurse (extra pay, to help his boyfriend-nearly-husband pay for his doctorate degree in astronomy) and Logan at school means that they have weird hours to be together. But, Logan had reasoned when it first started, a month and a half ago, didn’t most couples only have a few hours together in the mornings and evenings regardless? They were adjusting from their lives as college students; nearly every other couple who made the transition from college to the real world had to deal with the same realities. So it shouldn’t matter that Virgil was waking up as Logan was winding down, and vice versa. They’d make it work.

And they have, for the most part; Virgil likes his colleagues on the night shift, for the most part, especially a particularly peppy nurse named Patton, who he was planning on bringing over on their next mutual off day to have dinner with him and Logan and maybe Roman. He thinks Roman and Patton would get along really well. Maybe even romantically well, but he was keeping that to himself. And Logan was doing a fantastic job at school, idiots trying to scheme to climb the academic ladder notwithstanding. They were living their lives.

It was kind of great.

And so, even as Virgil was making sure that he was dressed in his scrubs and he had everything he needed for the night, as he leaned over to kiss a minty-mouthed Logan, in bed, reading a book before he’d go to sleep not long after Virgil would leave for his eleven o’clock shift, the fact that Logan had been a monster didn’t matter to him.

All the really great parts of him mattered way more.

[subtlereferencetomyinterests]

Black Cloth and Star Systems- Fusion AU

Ao3,   MasterPost,  More of This AU

Legally speaking this is the second installment in my fusion au, and u should definitely read the first one!! but it is not necessary to understand this one.

Relationships: Romantic Analogical, (briefly) mentioned romantic Royality

Warnings: Tooth-rotting fluff, minor insecurity (it is Logan after all), one (1) kiss, excessive cuddling, Virgil and the Logan/Virgil fusion both have monster-like traits (big teef, pointy ears, nocturnal eyes, etc.), the fusion is also agender because I said so, and seriously lots of flowery descriptions cuz I was really having a good time with this one. Oh, and lack of sleep/unhealthy sleep schedules, brief mention of paranoia (very very minor), and I think I accidentally implied that Virgil has ADHD but that’s par for the course. 

Word Count: 3,797

Logan stared at the ceiling of his room, tired eyes tracing over the patterns etched into it. They were irregular, scrawls and lines that bumped up from the plaster and stretched on and on. If he squinted, they could almost look like maps- charting and directing the reader across a very foreign land, and in addition the reader might not be good with following maps, which would explain why this one seemed so vague. Or maybe it wasn’t showing a place at all. Nowhere real, at the very least. 

Oh, what the fuck was he talking about. The ceiling was a goddamn ceiling, and Logan was exhausted.

Sleeping would be the ideal solution, and it was something he definitely wasn’t opposed to, but by this point it was borderline impossible. Logan could shut his eyes, but he knew all he’d see would be that blinding flash of pink light. He could try and try to relax beneath his blanket, but still he would see double-set of eyes, swirling between emerald green and cinnamon brown, set behind big cutesy-framed glasses. He’d picture those two pairs of arms, that staggering display of height, and the body that was decorated with gold and crimson and sky-blue. 

What he was seeing was beyond understanding, and it was all that he could think about. His friends had fused. Patton and Roman, out of pretty much nowhere, had become one being right before everyone’s eyes. One burly, talkative, and endlessly fascinating being.

Like any person who persistently sought knowledge, Logan had taken to investigating the new creature at once. He’d had questions, burning questions, but Patron- as he’d named himself- had requested some alone time in his new form. It was a perfectly reasonable ask, so Logan resolved to postpone his interviewing until Patron was ready. But then, just as he was looking forward to finding out more about him that next morning, he was back to being two sides. Two sickeningly sweet sides who were way too caught up in their new relationship to answer any of Logan’s questions copacetically (All their answers had been full of purple prose, talking about how fusing was just the most amazing thing, and providing no real insight into it at all). 

Logan, presented with bizarre occurrences and offered no explanation, was understandably restless, abuzz with curiosity, and frustrated. And, if he was being honest, he was interested in the topic beyond what could be considered objective study, as well.

Very interested, in fact. He found himself wondering that… perhaps… Was he also capable of fusion?

Yes, the best way to learn about it would be to experience first-hand, so that would solve that problem. But that was hardly Logan’s entire reason for wanting to try it; Patton had soundly reported that forming Patron helped his and Roman’s communication by miles. Specifically vis a vis their more affectionate emotions, which really ended up being the thesis of the whole ordeal. It was, fundamentally, a very affectionate thing. 

Logan sat up abruptly, shooting a glare at his door from across the room. This was getting ridiculous; it would be a horrible idea to try something as significant as fusing with so little information on it. Just because it seemed self-explanatory didn’t mean that it was, and the results could be unstable and catastrophic!

But. 

But it wouldn’t be. There was the side he knew- the side he trusted- well enough to believe that it wouldn’t really go so awry.

Logan was making excuses.

What was there to be explained verbally that wouldn’t be much easier to just experience? Patron had proved two things: 1, fusing could happen, and 2, fusing could un-happen without issue. Any of the specifics would be figured out best by firsthand experience, that was pretty evident.

So Logan was making a few excuses, and maybe he was a bit scared about the whole thing, but so what? It was a moot point anyway, because Virgil would never want to participate in it, anyway. The idea of fusion would only upset the anxious side, maybe send him spiraling, and that was the last thing Logan wanted. 

With a groan, Logan flopped back down onto his bed, resuming his studious observation of the popcorn-patterned ceiling.

… 

Yeah, it wasn’t working.

Logan dragged himself up yet again, flinging the covers off of his legs harshly. He sat, immobile, glaring down just past the foot of his bed for an uncertain amount of time. He then heaved a very over dramatic sigh, kicked his legs over the side of his mattress, and stood. He set his feet down as though the carpet had personally wronged him, trodding across the room and throwing his door open with the same temperament. 

 The hallway was pitch dark, but Logan barely noticed it. He made his way down the stairs, the map of the Mindpalace splaying out in his head and directing him as well as light would. As soon as he hit the bottom of the stairs, his (moody) stomping ceased, for the time being. He tipped his head to one side, confused, as he listened out. 

There was a perfect silence.

An abrupt perfect silence. The very specific type of quiet that was too clearly manufactured. Such a- a tense hush could only be brought about by someone deliberately holding their breath. 

Logan shuffled his feet, peering into the blackness. Something shifted over by the couch, and the gleam of two reflectively-paneled eyes made themselves apparent. Logan yelped in fright, stumbling over his legs and bumping his back into the wall. 

There was a thump from across the room, a curse of ‘oh, shit’, and another shimmer from those eyes, animalistic and narrow. 

“Logan?” A gravelly voice asked, “Is that you?”

Logan blinked, staring at the dark silhouette that had come to stand before him. Animalistic, perhaps, but very very tall, and very very person-shaped. 

“Virgil?”

A lamp clicked on, washing the room in low and orange light, revealing that the creature was indeed Virgil. He looked considerably more human, now that he could be seen past his imposing outline- and he also looked more tired. 

Somehow, despite all of the other oddities in their situation, Logan found himself preoccupied by the smallest detail.

“Your eyes, Dear,” he drew forward for a closer look,  “How haven’t I noticed? They’re reflective!”

Virgil shrugged impassively, leaning down to let Logan hold his head and examine the unusual feature. 

“You can’t really tell unless it’s very dark out, or if you know what you’re looking for. I guess it just never came up.”

“But you can see in the dark, then?” Logan asked, perfectly aware that he sounded more than a little awed. Virgil just snorted, looking endeared. 

“Yup,” he popped the ‘p’, “Is it that big of a surprise?”

Logan turned the question over in his mind, but after a moment he shook his head, no. Virgil already had a multitude of unique attributes- his fangs, his claws, and a few more distinct things that only appeared when he got particularly stressed. (All of the sides had traits like those, actually. Of them, Logan was certainly the most average- the only discrepancy had to be his slightly exaggerated proportions, and even that couldn’t compare to some of the others’.)

Virgil hummed vacantly, shifting his weight a few times over. He kneaded his shoulder, glancing down at Logan with sudden interest. 

“So, what’s up with you? It’s like, three in the morning.” 

Logan stiffened, but tried to disguise the worry. 

“I could ask you the same question,” he deflected, ineffectively. Virgil only smirked in response. 

“I mean, I guess you could: paranoia, pent up energy, general inability to focus- you know, the stuff that keeps me up every night. You, though,” Virgil hovered over him, making him tilt his head back to keep eye-contact with their height difference. Logan felt his face flush, though it was only partially due to embarrassment. “You don’t stay up late, L, like ever.”

“I’ve just been thinking a lot,” he once more evaded. 

“You’re always thinking,” Virgil responded with a laugh, but he stood up straighter and gave Logan his space. Logan glanced up, confused, only to get a shrug by way of reply. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, babe. I’m not gonna, like, interrogate you. I just… wanna make sure you’re okay, is all.”

“Oh,” he smiled, “Yes, I am. Thank you.”

Virgil gestured to the couch, returning the smile.

“Wanna stay up with me? Might help you get your mind off whatever it’s on.”

Logan relaxed at that, nodding a bit sleepily as he followed his partner to the sofa. 

Virgil’s arm was twined around Logan’s waist, holding him into the taller trait’s side as they sat comfortably on the couch. In the near pitch dark, Virgil’s laptop was propped up against the coffee table, the screen lit up by slightly unnerving YouTube animations. 

Truth be told, though, Logan had paid attention to exactly none of them. He had a few reasons for this: one, he was very sleepy. Two, Virgil was warm- much warmer than himself, as Logan had always had strangely cold skin, and the heat was calming. And three, he was still caught up in his own thoughts, albeit less frantic and frightened versions of them by this point.

He knew that Virgil could easily sense his anxiety, but still, Anxiety did not pry. Add that to the many-paged list of reasons why Logan appreciated him as much as he did. 

Appreciate him he did, yes, and he also- he trusted him. Completely. To such a degree that, in the serene partial-silence between the couple, Logan found himself wondering what would happen if he just… told Virgil? If he explained what was on his mind, would it really upset him as much as he feared? The idea of fusing, well, just talking about it couldn’t be too much of a disaster. They were too strong, too stable for that.

“Virge?” Logan didn’t turn to look at him as he spoke. The name was really just a murmur on his lips, uttered noncommittally and with the hope that it might just go unheard.

With a soft click, the video paused, and Virgil shifted. 

“Yeah?”

Oh. He was really doing this.

“Could I ask you about something?” Logan would’ve left it at that, but feeling Virgil tense up beside him, he hurried to elaborate: “It’s nothing bad, my love, I just- it’s what’s been worrying me, this evening.”

“Uh- ask away, I guess..”

Logan took a deep breath, feeling his heart rate increase concerningly. He was thankful for the lack of light in the room; if the embarrassed heat spreading across his face was any indication, he likely looked just as nervous as he felt.

He exhaled, trying to focus on Virgil’s arm around him instead of the worries. Everything would be alright.

“You remember when Patton and Roman fused, I trust?”

There was an almost subtle intake of breath from Virgil. 

“Yeah, I wasn’t about to forget something like that, L.”

“Right, of course,” Logan found Virgil’s hand and wound their fingers together, fiddling with them. “I just wanted to know your thoughts on the situation.”

There was a beat.

“Um. I’m just relieved that they could get back to normal, I guess. I was sorta worried they’d get stuck- which doesn’t make a lot of sense in hindsight, but with how clingy they both are, I mean…” 

Logan hummed, encouraging him to go on, despite the intelligent side’s swiftly fading hope.

“But, like, now that I know they’re okay, I guess it’s not really any of my business?” Hesitation laced Virgil’s voice, as though he wasn’t sure what he was meant to say. “Other than that, though, I just think it’s kind of weird. Like, the whole idea of it. Fusion.”

“‘Weird’ in a negative sense?”

“I don’t know, man,” Virgil huffed, “I mean, I’m not a big fan of cartoons but- it’s weird like it’s interesting, weird like I wanna know more. If that makes any sense.”

Oh. That was promising.

“It does make sense,” Logan whispered, desperately emphatic. The glow of Virgil’s eyes turned to him, wide enough that they looked like little full moons.

“Did you-” he stopped short. Inhaled sharply. Then asked it all in a rush: “Are you asking because you wanted to try it? With me?”

Logan stayed silent, gripping too-tight to his boyfriend’s hand. He sounded… surprised? But maybe not upset? 

Oh, who was he kidding, he’d never been able to read tones, really, and it was too dark to try and figure out Virgil’s body language. He’d just have to go blind on this one.

“Yes,” Logan blurted, immediately holding his breath for a response.

Virgil was as stiff as a board. His hand was frozen in place, his gaze boring into Logan. 

“Are you sure?” 

His tone was soft, sweet, and so so careful. Logic blinked. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected from Virgil, but he knew that it wasn’t something so… gentle.

“I- maybe? It’s not necessary, if you don’t think you’d be comfortable with-”

“That’s not what I was asking,” Virgil interjected, “I wanna know if you’re sure that you want this, not how you think I feel.”

Logan mumbled an apology, feeling oddly chastised. He collected his thoughts and tried again.

“Yes, I’m sure. I- I trust you, Virgil.”

Virgil relaxed considerably, his head dropping to rest in Logan’s hair. 

“Okay. Good.”

And with that, he went quiet again. The show was not unpaused, though. Logan wondered if he was meant to say something, and if so he wondered what it was. But in the end he couldn’t make any sound at all.

Virgil’s hand slipped out of his, instead moving to the back of his neck. Logan instinctively leaned forward with its direction, letting himself be held close. In turn, he wrapped his arms around Virgil’s waist, turning sideways into him. He was close enough now to hear the beat of the anxious side’s heart, which was always rather quicker than anyone else's. This time, though, it was like a hummingbird’s, hammering loud and excited.

Logan tilted his head (as much as he could) in confusion. Had the conversation somehow affected Virgil more than it first seemed? Was something about the situation that spiked his anxiety? But that didn’t add up, either, because his breathing was completely even, and he wouldn’t let anyone be this close to him if he really was panicking.

Before Logan could ask what- if anything- was wrong, Virgil nestled his face in his hair, holding him impossibly tighter. And at that point, they were pressed flush together head-to-toe. And that was what made it click. 

Oh, they were doing this now. This- this was Virgil’s way of attempting- 

Logan hooked his ankle around Virgil’s, clumsily attempting to reciprocate the- erm, the Thing That They Were Trying. Heat rose in his cheeks at even the thought of it. 

What was he supposed to do? Was there some way to activate it? Was it enough to simply touch, or was movement required to fuse? What if they couldn’t get it to work at all? That would make plenty of sense, Logan was logic and what was the possibility that he’d follow the same rules as, say, Roman-

“Hey.”

Logan glanced up, his neck straining at the angle. Virgil was gazing down at him, pupils expanded with fondness, his fingers easing through the hairs at the back of Logan’s neck.

“Calm down, okay?” 

Logan might have commented on the irony of that, but Virgil was leaning forward and pressing their lips together oh-so gently, and all his thoughts flew out of the proverbial window as he kissed back. 

It was soft, light, maybe a little clumsy. The touch was barely-there, really, just ghosting. And then it wasn’t there, at all. The feeling faded, as did so many others, but neither of them were moving apart- or at least, they didn’t think that they were. If anything, they seemed to be getting closer, and closer, but-

Closer to what, exactly?

They opened their eyes. Wait, no, they blinked a couple of times- ah, there, they opened all- five?- of their eyes. Not only was it no longer pitch black, but it seemed that lights had been conjured above them, dozens of tiny purple and blue tea lights that cast the living room in a pleasant glow.

Had- had they caused that? Somehow?

Conjuring on accident- how did they manage that? And what else could they do? What couldn’t they do, though, in this new form? Something like them was bound to have limitations.

They stood up sharply, and immediately cracked their head against the ceiling. They yelped in pain, silently amending that standing up straight while indoors was the first limitation to note. They hunched over, managing to keep upright if they just bent their knees and tilted their neck. And that brought on a much more important investigation into themself: their new physical form.

They were obviously very tall, but also sort of- long in general? Their limbs, their fingers, their face, every feature was very narrow, almost spider-like. And, on the topic of spider-like limbs, they had two sets of arms; one in the usual place, but another placed behind that, curving around from just under their shoulder blades. In addition, their fingers, lithe and spindly, were six on each hand. Despite the unordinary length to many of their appendages, though, they were still noticeably muscular. Wide shoulders, a defined abdomen, and sturdy legs.

With a sharp wave of their hand, they conjured a full-body mirror to hang in front of them, promptly leaning over to examine themself.

Their face was made of edges; sharp cheekbones, pointed ears, and blocky glasses that covered all of their eyes but the middle one. They ran their fingers through their shaggy, curled up hair- a good deal of which fluffed forwards past their forehead and into their face. It was mixed colors, swirls of purple and blue blending together in soft, bouncy locks. 

They had interesting features aplenty, but one thing stood out dramatically. One thing that drew their attention at once. 

The mouth.

Their lips were dark- almost black, with hints of color toned under it. They dragged a finger along it, but it didn’t wipe away like makeup. They opened their mouth, revealing long needles of teeth, dozens and dozens of them top and bottom- all except for the upper canines. Those were thick, overly large, and tinted with purple. They ended in dangerous looking points, shoving out past the new side’s lips even when they closed their mouth, appearing much like an arachnid's venomous mandibles. 

They took a step back from the mirror, experimentally poking their big fangs. To their surprise, the teeth moved; just a wiggle, but enough to show that they were mobile, that they could be flexed and retracted. Well, that was...

That was sick as hell.

Now, to investigate their outfit: they were a little monstrous, sure, but also very smartly dressed. They wore a navy blue plaid waistcoat, laid overtop of a pastel purple sweater, which in turn was beneath a plain, black, short-sleeved button-up shirt. Their tie was a simple white with subdued flecks of violet and sapphire, dotted to look intentionally asymmetrical. 

Their lower half also bore a layered aesthetic: sheer lavender leggings beneath strategically ripped black jeans. They also wore a short, tight skirt over it, the color and pattern matching that of their waistcoat. A few chains dangled from the belt loops on their hips, clinking a little as they moved. They had sleek black shoes with small platforms, something vaguely Demonia-style. Altogether, the look was a strange blend of elegant and alternative. Strange, but very, very, very… becoming, to say the least. 

They couldn’t help staring at themself. Actually, ogling might be the more accurate word. They were hot, was that vain to say? If it was, they didn’t particularly care, because it was true. Of all the things they could have been together, confident wasn’t expected, but it was more than welcome. Because- damn.

Five minutes of gawking at their own reflection wound up being enough, in the end, and they forced themself to wave the mirror back out of existence. There were so many more things to consider about themself, after all, and that just couldn’t wait any longer. There were infinite things to know, God, they were a new creature entirely.

It was… it was overwhelming. They had so many questions. They had so many concerns, millions of them, and millions of thoughts that didn’t fit into either of the aforementioned categories, thoughts that existed just to fill up space in a head that suddenly felt overpacked. Too many minds in such a reduced space.

It’s okay, they thought, sucking in a deep, slow breath, One at a time, Dear.

There’s too much. I can’t see it all. I can’t explain all of it.

Which half of them was that? Was it… both? Both of them, comforting and receiving comfort? What an impossible creation they’d become! Wait, no, they had to focus on calming down before they gave that any thought. 

We can’t get to all of it, they agreed with themself, Some of it, though, certainly.

Like what?

They thought for a moment.

We could start with a name?

Oh. That’s probably important.

Yes, just a bit. 

They let their breath out in a laugh, pulling their sleeves past their hands and curling their fingers in the fabric. It took only a second of contemplation before, quite promptly, they knew what they were going to be called from now on. They knew their name, and everything else began to click into place from there.

Livril.

They sighed, contented, and sat back into the corner of the sectional. They didn’t exactly fit, curling up on the couch as they had before, but they were easily flexible enough to find a way. Now that they knew their name, they could really start learning who exactly Livril was.

There was so much they could learn from this, so many things they could enjoy this way. What music did they like? (Probably sad. Most certainly folk punk.) How did they speak? (sharply, they would guess.) How did they move? (Quick, startling, definitely fidgety.)

And that was hardly all, though it was a good start. There was so much more to get to, and they intended to answer all of it as soon as possible.

...But that ‘as soon as possible’ would probably be in the morning, because Livril fell asleep exactly two minutes after their head hit the couch cushion.

Taglist: @shrimp-crockpot @glitter-skeleton-uwu @donnieluvsthings @intruxiety @thefivecalls @did-he-just-hiss-at-me @gayformlessblob 

[sparklydreamies]

Best Shot ~Ch 3

Group: Stray Kids

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 7900+

Summary: Han Jisung, certified quiet boy, has never really understood the hype about love and romance. That is until he has to step out of his comfort zone and onto the basketball court to impress that one person he can’t stop thinking about.

Main themes: highschool!AU, basketball!AU, internalized homophobia, friends-to-lovers

a/n: So much for this fic just being skz, I’m now making it skz featuring the whole JYP family lmao,, I’m so happy about this chapter, the story is finally kicking off ;) Y’all can expect a lot of internalized homophobia because who doesn’t experience that... anyways, thank you guys for taking the time to read this, I’m sorry it took so long, but I am very proud of this chapter!! :))

MASTERLIST

CHAPTER 3

Jisung often found it a little bit difficult to fall asleep, but for some reason, it was getting harder and harder. Countless nights that he should have spent in deep sleep were spent scrolling through Twitter and Youtube, simply because it was so hard for Jisung to find a way to shut his brain off. He didn’t know why he found his brain racing during the nighttime. He tried giving up the coffee that he normally drinks in the morning, but all that did was make him doze off during class. 

Not being able to fall asleep every single night causes a certain type of hopeless frustration in someone. Jisung felt himself getting more and more irritated with every passing day of not sleeping nearly enough for a teenage boy. 

Jisung had dozed off during his classes multiple times within the week that he couldn’t fall asleep. He often would find his eyelids getting heavier during important lectures and lessons. He couldn’t help it. 

Jisung’s class was given biology work to complete on their own one day, however Jisung found himself blacking out for seconds at a time. He kept telling himself in his head to wake up, slap yourself, open your eyes, do your work, but it was to no avail. He just kept drifting, and drifting, and drifting...

“Jisung?” Jisung snapped his head upright to the sound of his teacher, Mr. Kim’s voice. “Is everything alright?”

Jisung rubbed his eyes a little bit before straightening himself up in his chair. “Yeah, of course it is,” he said, picking up his pencil, “why?”

“Well,” Mr Kim started, “I’ve been noticing that you’ve been sort of... distant these past few days, I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” 

Jisung nodded his head, “yeah I’m okay, I’ve just been having a bit of trouble sleeping is all,” 

Mr. Kim nodded his head. Jisung figured he understood that since he teaches all sorts of students in higher grades and levels. Jisung thought that almost none of them have good sleeping schedules. 

“Jisung, why don’t you take the rest of the class period to just lay down in the nurse’s office?” Mr. Kim suggested, and judging by the fact that the man was completely blurry to him, Jisung figured it was a half decent idea. That was one of the things Jisung loved about Mr. Kim. One could tell that he really cared about the students that sat in his classroom. Not like most teachers that would just scold Jisung for not sleeping when he should.

So, that is how he ended up on his way down to the school nurse’s office, dragging himself down the slightly dingy and empty hallways of his school. 

The nurse, Mrs. Lee was a nice lady. Jisung had only seen her once before, and that was when he fainted after doing suicides in gym class during his freshman year. 

Mrs. Lee was kind enough to let Jisung rest for a minute on the cot that was in the side room of her office. It was lumpy and uncomfortable, but since Jisung was practically turning into a nocturnal animal, he found it was like sleeping on a cloud. 

Jisung dozed off to the sound of Mrs. Lee scratching something down on her notepad and making quiet phone calls. 

He was woken up about half an hour later by the bell, indicating that it was lunch hour. He had half a mind to stay there and sleep some more since he was so comfortable, but he knew that Felix and Seungmin would be waiting for him. So, with heavy limbs, Jisung rose from the bed, thanked Mrs. Kim, and made his way into the crowded hallways towards his locker. 

“Jisung!” Jisung heard his name being shouted from behind him, and when he turned around, he was greeted with the bright, smiling face of Hwang Hyunjin. Jisung waited for Hyunjin to catch up to him before he continued walking to his locker. “Hey, what’s going on?” 

Jisung shrugged and chuckled a bit at him. “Nothing really, how about you?” 

“Same,” Hyunjin said. The two boys turned down the hallway where Jisung’s locker was. “You look rough today,” he said.

Jisung scoffed at him, “I look rough everyday,” he countered, giving a small giggle.

Hyunjin shoved Jisung a little bit, “you’re not supposed to agree with me,” they arrived at Jisung’s locker, and he began typing in the code to unlock it.

“Hyunjin, you look rough everyday, I just wanted to fit in with you,” Jisung mocked.

“That’s better,” the boys laughed at each other’s childish ways. Jisung thought about how it seemed like they never even had a falling out. “By the way Jisung,” Hyunjin continued, “my mom was really happy when I told her we started talking again,”

Jisung cooed at him, “you talk about me to your mom? That’s so cute,” he teased. 

“Hey, just be glad I didn’t tell her why we started talking again,” he warned. Jisung put his hands up in a surrendering gesture. Jisung really didn’t want the other boy’s mother to know that he had to get driven home from a party, blackout drunk. “Anyways, I wanted to talk to you because she wanted me to invite you guys over for dinner tonight. Are you free?” Hyunjin asked. 

“I mean my dad’s working, but yeah I think we’re free,” Jisung answered. Hyunjin gave him a smile. Jisung had missed Hyunjin’s smile. 

“Great!” he said, clapping his hands together, “I’ll see you guys at eight?” Jisung nodded his head. 

Just then, Jisung heard somebody calling Hyunjin’s name. Jisung looked over to see it was Bang Chan and Seo Changbin. They were both wearing the same red varsity jackets that Hyunjin was also wearing. 

“Hyunjin, you coming?” they called, and Hyunjin yelled a yes back to them. 

“Do you want to come get some lunch with us?” Hyunjin offered, pointing over to where his friends were standing. 

Jisung shook his head, “nah, Felix and Seungmin are probably wondering where I am,” Hyunjin nodded in understanding, “thanks though, maybe another time,” 

“Sure,” Hyunjin agreed, walking backwards towards his friends, “see you tonight!” 

Jisung gave him a little wave of his own. Not only were Felix and Seungmin waiting for him, but Jisung also was hesitant to go because he felt very awkward around most of the basketball team. To him, it was like social class distance. Of course he didn’t feel weird with Hyunjin or Minho now, but the thought of being an outcast in a social situation with boys like Chan, Changbin, Jeongin or any of the other members of the team made him feel nauseous. 

Jisung made his way to the table in the cafeteria where he, Felix and Seungmin always sat. He could see from a distance that the two boys were already there, and obviously in deep conversation. 

When Jisung got into earshot, he heard Seungmin say “Bullshit, Felix,”

“Dude no, I’m being serious!” Felix argued, leaning so far over the table that his chest was close to touching the questionably clean surface. 

“What’s happening?” Jisung asked as he sat down next to Seungmin. 

“Felix apparently got a date with Kim Dahyun,” Seungmin said, shrugging. “I’m calling bullshit,”

“It’s not bullshit!” Felix groaned, “okay so Jisung, picture this,” Felix started, “we’re in first period, right? History. Teacher pairs kids up for a critical thinking activity, and who am I paired with? Oh yeah, Kim Dahyun,” Felix said, emphasizing her name and staring intensely at Seungmin who is trying hard to keep a straight face. 

“So we’re working hard, right? And close to the end of class I tell her that I know this really nice ice cream parlor that’s run by my cousin, and I ask her if she wanted to go with me sometime, and she actually fucking says yes,” he finishes, hitting Seungmin in the side of the arm.

“Felix, Dahyun is a pretty, smart, funny girl, why the hell would she want to go out with you?” Seungmin argued, breaking into a smile closer to the end of the sentence. 

“Because I’m fucking whimsical, that’s why.” Felix answered. 

“If there’s anything I know, it’s that Felix is whimsical as hell,” Jisung agreed. Felix slammed his hand down on the table. 

“See?” he asked Seungmin. 

“Alright fine,” Seungmin gave up, “I guess I just don’t like the fact that Felix got an actual human girl to go out with him before I did, and he didn’t even have to use force,” Jisung laughed at him. Seungmin let out a yelp, “Felix stop goddamn kicking me!” he groaned, lowering himself to rub at his shin. 

“Anyways, Dahyun also told me something very interesting,” Felix said, wiggling his eyebrows at Jisung. 

Jisung waited a beat of awkward eyebrow dancing before asking “what is it, Felix?”

“She told me that her friend, Im Nayeon, got a little bit friendly with one of my good friends, Han Jisung,” he teased. Jisung felt himself blush at the comment. “Oh my god, you’re all red! How come you didn’t tell us?” Felix whined.

Seungmin turned himself a full ninety degrees and faced Jisung. “What the hell, you made out with Im Nayeon? I had a class with her last year!” he said, hitting Jisung in the chest. 

Jisung felt flustered at all of the commotion about this. He never even thought about telling them he kissed Nayeon, he was more focused on the whole situation with Minho and Hyunjin. 

“I didn’t know it was that big of a deal,” Jisung said, trying to shield himself away from Seungmin’s fists. 

“Not that big of a deal?” Felix accused. 

Jisung found it so confusing that Felix and Seungmin were this worked up about it. Jisung hadn’t even thought about the kiss since it happened. Maybe he was just too distracted to let it sink in that he made out with a girl. 

“I’m so disappointed in you,” Seungmin laughed at him. Jisung rolled his eyes. 

The bell to end lunch rang throughout the school, and the boys began to pack their things up. 

“We are not done talking about this,” Felix warned, wagging a small finger at Jisung. 

Jisung sighed. He knew they weren’t.

----

That night, Jisung told his family about what happened with Hyunjin and how they were invited for dinner. Jisung’s mom was very happy that Jisung made up with Hyunjin. She said she was happy that he was being more social, but Jisung knew she was just happy to have a charming and handsome boy like Hyunjin back in her life to fawn over. 

Chaeryeong on the other hand stared at Jisung dumbfounded for a second before racing up the stairs to get herself ready. 

“You know that it’s just casual, right?” Jisung yelled after her. 

She answered back a quick “doesn’t matter!” before closing her door on him. 

Jisung decided to shower and get changed before going over to Hyunjin’s place. He wanted to make a good impression on Hyunjin’s family again, since they haven’t really had a conversation together since Jisung and Hyunjin were freshmen. 

When 8:00 came, Jisung called out to his family members that it was time to leave. The walk over to Hyunjin’s house was filled with Jisung’s mom talking about how nice it would be to see Hyunjin again, and how she’d seen him around the town and he looked even more handsome than she remembered. Chaeryeong was agreeing with everything his mother said, especially with the part about Hyunjin being handsome. 

Hyunjin’s parents were just as welcoming as Jisung remembered them to be. Jisung had always thought of the Hwangs as his second family, and once he arrived, he felt the same level of comfort that he had always experienced when he was a kid. 

Before dinner, Hyunjin led Jisung and Chaeryeong into the living room while their parents talked and drank wine in the kitchen. Much like with Hyunjin’s car, Jisung could easily tell the Hwang family’s wealth from the way they decorate their house. The living room was spacious, with a large TV and a very modern design. Jisung enjoyed being over at the Hwangs. 

“So Chaeryeong, how’s your first year of high school?” Hyunjin asked once they got settled, and Chaeryeong gave him a massive smile. 

“Oh, it’s great,” she said, “I’m really happy that you two made up, I missed coming over here,” Chaeryeong said, and Hyunjin rubbed his neck awkwardly, looking at Jisung.

“Actually Chaeryeong, it’s not that we had a fight or anything, we technically didn’t make up...” Hyunjin trailed off, looking to Jisung for help explaining the situation. 

“Yeah, it was more like we just sort of drifted apart,” Jisung supplied. Chaeryeong nodded her head in understanding. 

“Do you guys want to go outside?” Hyunjin offered, changing the subject, “it’s boring in here,” 

Jisung and Chaeryeong agreed to going outside. The house was stuffy and warm, and it was such a nice night out anyways. 

When they got out into the backyard, Chaeryeong ran over to where she saw Hyunjin’s basketball and basketball hoop. She excitedly picked up the ball. “Hyunjin, you’re so good at basketball,” she complimented. Jisung rolled his eyes at her. “Can you teach me to shoot?” she asked, and Hyunjin smiled and agreed. 

She threw him the ball and he dribbled it on the cement of his backyard three times before raising it, bending his knees and shooting the ball straight into the hoop. Chaeryeong clapped for him. 

“You see, it’s all about balance and aim,” he said, chasing after the ball to show Chaeryeong. “Try this,” he said, and gave her the ball. He explained to her how she should stand, and how she should hold the ball. 

Jisung thought it looked like a scene out of a drama. If he was right, this would be the moment they would lock eyes and fall in love. However, in real life, the boy would let go of her hands and let her try and shoot, which Hyunjin did.

Chaeryeong released the ball, and it flew through the air, hitting the backboard of the net. It bounced back down to the ground and over to where Hyunjin was standing.

“That was really good!” He praised, “you have good aim, you just need to work on your form. There’s a certain technique that you learn over time that helps the ball get into the net instead of just hitting the backboard”.

Chaeryoung agreed with him, and tried again, this time hitting the rim of the net. She was closer this time, but still unsuccessful. 

“Jisung, why don’t you try?” Hyunjin offered, passing the ball to Jisung. 

Jisung took the ball, but was sort of hesitant to try. Jisung was not necessarily a sporty kid, and he knew he would look stupid if he didn’t even hit the backboard. 

“Come on, try it,” Hyunjin coaxed, and Jisung finally agreed to try. “You heard what I told Chaeryeong, right?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Jisung answered, and Hyunjin told him how to stand properly. 

“Now for your hands,” Hyunjin moved Jisung’s hands so that one was supporting behind and one was supporting the side of the ball. “Perfect, that looks really good, Jisung” 

Hyunjin backed away from Jisung enough to give the boy room to shoot the ball. Jisung concentrated on watching the net, bent his knees, and jumped while releasing the ball like he saw Hyunjin do earlier. 

The ball floated through the air, hit the side of the rim, and bounced into the net. 

“You got it!” Hyunjin praised, patting Jisung in the back with the stupidest grin on his face. Jisung was also smiling. He may not be good at sports usually, but it was nice to feel like he was sometimes. 

“How the hell did Jisung do better than me?” Chaeryeong teased, jogging to go grab the ball from where it fell. 

“Hey you shoot like that, you might as well join the team,” Hyunjin joked, shaking Jisung’s shoulders. 

“Kids, dinner’s on the table!” Jisung heard Hyunjin’s mother yell from the window. Hyunjin yelled back a confirmation, and they began to head inside.

“You know Jisung,” Hyunjin started, “I’m not actually joking about you joining the team,”

Jisung choked on air. “You think that I could join the basketball team?” Jisung laughed at him. “Did you hit your head?”.

How on earth could Jisung play basketball? That shot was obviously beginners luck, he had no actual skill, he barely knew how to play the game.

“I’m serious! Dowoon is out for the rest of the season because he broke his leg, so there’s an open spot,” Hyunjin explained.

“Jesus, a guy from your team is out because he’s injured, and you think that would make me want to join?” Jisung said, disbelievingly. 

“It was an unrelated injury,” Jisung rolled his eyes, “I’m not kidding, it’s too late to have tryouts, and we need numbers to win the championship this year,” 

“Hyunjin, you realize I don’t know anything about basketball?” Jisung leaned against the side of the house and crossed his arms over his chest. “Besides, why do you want me instead of somebody else at school that might actually know how to dribble a ball properly?”

Hyunjin sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Look, you don’t have to, but I want to be able to spend more time with you now that we’re friends again,” he said, “I can help you- sort of train you if you want, and I already know Minho’s going to like having you on the team,”

Jisung thought about it. For some reason, Jisung wanted to be closer to Minho. He wanted to be Minho’s friend. He also agreed with Hyunjin; he wanted to do more things together. Basketball didn’t seem like that difficult of a sport, you just had to get the ball into the net, how hard could it be? 

“Plus,” Hyunjin continued after a beat, “you don’t even really have to play that much, we really just need another body on our bench,”

Jisung couldn’t believe he was considering playing basketball. He saw the way Hyunjin’s eyes lit up when he was talking about the two of them on the team together. Jisung could see that he was happy. 

“Oh damnit,” Jisung sighed at Hyunjin, “I’ll consider it,” 

“Really?” Hyunjin asked. Jisung saw that his eyes were sparkly and bright. Jisung thought it almost gave Hyunjin an innocent glow. The positivity radiating off of Hyunjin made Jisung smile. 

“Yeah,” he admitted, “Now let’s go eat, I’m hungry,”

----

That night was the first time in a week that Jisung was able to sleep for more than two hours. 

Jisung didn’t know what changed, or why he suddenly was able to shut his brain off, but he was thankful he could. He figured that with Hyunjin trying to get him to join the basketball team it would be harder to sleep, but if anything, that night was the deepest he’s slept in weeks. Maybe it was the fact that Jisung’s brain wanted to fuck him up all week, only to give him the proper rest that he needs on the Friday night, when he knows he won’t be doing anything important on the Saturday.

Jisung knew what Felix and Seungmin would say if he asked them. They would want him to join the team. Not for the thrill of playing basketball, but for the popularity and the girls. All of them knew that the boys on the basketball team could get whatever girl they wanted, but Jisung didn’t want that sort of power. 

He knew what Chaeryeong would say. She would want him to join the team so that she could be known as the girl who’s brother is on the varsity boys basketball team.

He also knew that his mother would be against it. She knows what those basketball boys do. She still vividly remembers her son coming home at three in the morning, blackout drunk. She wouldn’t want that type of lifestyle to determine her son’s future. 

Oddly enough, the fact that his mom would want him not to is what makes Jisung want to join the team the most.

And of course, he knew what joining the team would mean to Hyunjin. Quite frankly, Jisung was touched that Hyunjin would want to spend more time with him so much that he would take it upon himself to teach Jisung how to play an entire sport. Not only just to teach him, but to make him good enough that their team has a chance at winning the championship again, even if he only played a few times all season.

Jisung knew how much this championship meant to Minho, thanks to their conversation the week prior. Jisung smiled while he thought back to that day. He liked the feeling of talking to Minho. He was kind, and he was sweet, and Jisung could tell that he wasn’t the same person that people believed through their little stereotypes. 

It sounded really weird and strange to Jisung, but all he wanted to do was to get closer to Minho. 

Jisung knew that there was no harm in at least trying to fit in with the team. Right?

----

Jisung was torn. On one hand, he didn’t know a single thing about basketball, and he was so afraid to make a fool out of himself and the team if he joined. But on the other hand, he wanted the opportunity to spend more time with Hyunjin and Minho. It was a dilemma. 

The last thing Jisung wanted was to take his focus away from studying. Jisung had always lived by the idea that nothing was more important than school. He had wanted to do a lot of things over the years, but he had never really had the motivation to try. He didn’t want to go through his life without experiencing things, because he was deathly afraid of waking up in ten years to realize that his life had no value. Maybe basketball could help with that. 

Jisung had always been told that the friendships, experiences and memories that were essential to a teenage life could be created by putting yourself out there, taking risks, getting involved and trying new things, but he had never bothered. Maybe he was always just satisfied with his friendships with Felix and Seungmin that he didn’t feel the need to try new things. 

Jisung thought about why he was so hung up on it. Part of him wondered if it was because he was worried that he was missing out on the amazing teenage life that he had always expected growing up. Thinking about it, most of the cheesy high school movies he used to watch glorified the athletes and social butterflies, and called the people that don’t have a lot of friends and don’t belong to clubs the “social outcasts”. 

Minho was a social butterfly. He had girls lined up down the block for him. He never went a weekend without doing something fun. Even though he couldn’t for the life of him figure out why, Jisung wanted to be his friend. He wanted to make Minho laugh. Minho was such a desirable friend. 

Jisung thought that Minho was mysterious. Like there were layers to him that nobody could understand. The image that Jisung got about Minho a few weeks ago was so different from the image he got after the party, and then again after they had that conversation after school. Jisung wanted to tear down those fake images he gets about Minho. He wanted Minho to trust him. 

Jisung snapped out of those thoughts. He still had a dilemma. Should he join the basketball team? 

Life is full of risks and opportunities that you sometimes just have to take. 

Jisung sent Hyunjin a text. 

Me: If the offer is still up, I think I’d like to join the team

Me: THAT IS, if you’ll be willing to coach me :))

----

Of course, Hyunjin was ecstatic that Jisung agreed to join the team. The boys agreed to meet up every Tuesday and Saturday, which staggered nicely with the team’s official practices. 

When Jisung told Felix and Seungmin during lunch on the following Monday, they were Hyunjin’s ecstatic times one thousand. 

“You joined the basketball team?” Felix shouted in the middle of the cafeteria, causing a number of heads to turn in confusion. Jisung hid his face in his hands. 

“Yes,” was his small response, “but I’m not really going to be playing that much, so don’t get too excited,” 

Felix scoffed at him. He was grinning from ear to ear, beaming with the new found possibilities of what having a friend on the basketball team could be. “I don’t care if you play one game all season, you are going to be on the basketball team!”

Seungmin pinched Jisung in the arm. “Maybe once you get that nice ass varsity jacket, you can properly ask out Nayeon,” he teased, wiggling his eyebrows flirtatiously at Jisung. 

The latter choked on his lunch, “why do you assume I want to ask out Nayeon?” he asked.

Felix gave Jisung a look that was basically asking if he was the dumbest person ever, “because you sucked her face and last time I checked, you don’t have a girlfriend,” 

“That’s because I don’t want a girlfriend,” Jisung countered.

“That’s because you can’t get a girlfriend,” Seungmin teased, laughing and giving Felix a high five. Jisung just rolled his eyes. 

If there’s anything Jisung knew, it was that he could get a date solely based off his looks. He has always been asked out and adored by girls at their school, but no matter how much they tried to get his attention, it wouldn’t make him want a girlfriend any more than he already does. 

“Speaking of girlfriends,” Felix said, “I have my date with Dahyun on Friday,” 

Seungmin laughed as he ate. “Don’t screw it up,” he warned. 

As Felix was cursing out Seungmin, Jisung thought about how happy it makes him that somebody is appreciating Felix. 

The bell rang some time after that, and the boys left to get to class. 

Jisung spent the entire rest of the day worrying about what was to come after school. Hyunjin told him that he should come by and join the team for their practice after school, where Minho will hopefully agree to let Jisung join the team. 

Jisung was terrified, to say the least. He didn’t have any time to learn the basics with Hyunjin, he only knew general rules from elementary school gym classes. Now he’s kicking himself for not taking those pointless classes seriously.

When the bell rang after last period, Jisung felt a spike of anxiety. Thankfully, he had his last period class with Hyunjin, which meant he didn’t have to make his way to the gym change rooms himself. 

“Are you ready?” Hyunjin asked, packing up the last of his notes and shoving them messily into his school bag. 

Jisung was anything but ready. “Yeah,” he answered, feigning confidence. Hyunjin gave him a wide smile, and led him out the door. 

“Nervous?” Hyunjin asked over the sound of the crowded halls. 

“A little bit,” Jisung answered. Jisung grabbed onto Hyunjin’s backpack, trying to stay close to him while they walked through the school’s main hallway. It didn’t help that the walls were lined with lockers, all with students opening and loitering by them. 

“Don’t be,” Hyunjin said, once they turned down the gym hallway. “Remember one thing,” he commented as they walked down the less populated hallway, “these boys won’t bite. They aren’t here to try and push you down, I’ve talked you up really nicely, and I think they are all looking forward to you joining the team,” 

Jisung smiled at him. One of his biggest fears was that these boys would think he was a joke. Hyunjin had a nice way of making him feel calmer. Safer.

“Plus, Minho’s the only one who can make the final decision about whether or not you join, and he’s very non-judgmental,” Hyunjin added on as they arrived at a heavy door marked Changing Room 3.

Hyunjin swung open the door without a second thought, and Jisung followed him in, feeling the wave of anxiety freeze his blood and sink his stomach. 

The wooden bench along the walls of the change room were littered with boys that Jisung had seen around school often. They were all talking while stripping off their school uniforms, and replacing them with the usual basketball uniform. Jisung was surprised to find that nobody even batted an eye at the sight of a strange, skinny, new kid invading their changing space. 

Hyunjin nonchalantly took a seat in the back corner, beckoning for Jisung to follow him. Jisung took the cue, and dodged around the backpacks left on the floor to get to Hyunjin. 

"So we just,” Jisung paused, glancing quickly around the room of teenage boys, “get dressed here? In front of everyone?” he asked quietly, trying to avoid the attention of the unfamiliar boys. 

Hyunjin gave him a chuckle. “Yeah, unless you want to change in the hallway,” he answered. 

The thought of getting changed in front of these boys made Jisung blush. He took Hyunjin’s lead, and slowly tried to wiggle all of his clothes off, so he could change into the set of workout clothes he brought from home. 

“So, what do you think we’ll have to do today?”  Jisung asked Hyunjin. 

Hyunjin took a second to pull his shirt off of his head before answering “Minho is the one who runs the practices. He knows that you are coming though, so I told him not to make it too complicated today,” 

Jisung sighed in relief as he finished getting dressed by tying his running shoes. “You know Hyunjin, I am not even interested in playing that much, I really just want to be... a benchwarmer,” Jisung said. 

Hyunjin gave a little bit of a laugh. “I told him to make it simple for today, but after you begin your training with coach Hwang, I told him you’ll be improving and ready to play in no time,” 

Jisung was shocked at the other boy. “You told him what? Hyunjin, I told you that I didn’t want to really play, I just want to be a spare,”

“And you won’t really play! At least not until you develop the skills,”

Jisung was about to argue back when suddenly, the door to the changeroom swung open, and Jisung saw Lee Minho calling the team into the gym. 

“We’ll talk later,” Hyunjin promised, standing up to leave with the rest of the boys. 

Jisung hurried to catch up with him, “I thought we agreed I won’t be playing a lot! Hyunjin don’t undermine me,” he warned, following a giggling Hyunjin through the double doors and into the gym. 

All of the other boys began doing various warm-ups, stretching their muscles, and setting up the stands of basketballs. Jisung felt very out of place with them, but that was nothing unexpected. He suddenly got the thought that he didn’t belong there. He didn’t even know how to warm himself up.

He turned towards Hyunjin for reassurance, who just smiled and led him to one side of the court, where Chan and Changbin were talking amongst themselves. 

“Hey guys,” Hyunjin called, walking over to the two other boys. Hyunjin looked like he was calm and collected, whereas Jisung felt like his whole body was on fire. 

“I see you brought Dowoon’s replacement with you,” Bang Chan said, nodding at Jisung and smiling. Jisung calmed down slightly and felt the tension inside him ease when he realized Chan was joking around with him. 

Jisung gave a small, awkward wave and mumbled a small greeting. 

The four of them began talking a little bit about Jisung, filling him in on what usually happens during these practices. From what Jisung gathers, practices usually consist of a cardio warm up, a few drills, some positioning plays practice, and then finally some muscle training and a cool down. It didn’t seem too hard, except for the fact that Jisung wasn’t good at cardio, he didn’t have the majority of the skills required for the drills, he didn’t understand basketball plays and he didn’t have very much muscle. 

Nevertheless, Jisung made a vow to himself that he would do his best and try hard this practice. People always talk about how you can do anything that you work hard for, so why can’t Jisung play basketball? 

Jisung was snapped out of the conversation by a sharp whistle. He turned his head to see Lee Minho standing in the middle of the face-off circle, calling for the team to gather around him. 

Jisung and Hyunjin made their way towards the center. It was then that Jisung made eye contact with Minho, who gave him an encouraging smile. Jisung smiled back. He was happy that Minho didn’t seem like a harsh and mean leader. 

“Okay guys,” Minho called, grabbing the attention of the team, “we all know the unfortunate incident that happened with Dowoon, and though we will miss him for the remainder of the season, it still must go on,” he started, and Jisung heard some of the boys begin to whoop when Minho said that. “That means we have an open spot on this team, and since we already held try-outs this year, Hyunjin took the opportunity to invite a friend to help us. Everybody, this is Han Jisung,” Minho said, gesturing towards Jisung. 

One or two of the boys whooped for Jisung after that, which made him a little bit shy. Hyunjin bumped Jisung lightly on the shoulder. Minho gave Jisung a welcoming smile, which made Jisung’s heart flutter, for some reason. 

Practice started with running laps as a warm up, and then they moved onto skill developmental drills. Jisung fumbled the ball a few times, made some off shots, but overall he was genuinely not that bad. 

Throughout practice, Jisung got small words of encouragement from Hyunjin and Minho, as well as thumbs up from other members of the team, particularly Youngjae. Choi Youngjae was widely known to be a very nice and sweet kid, so it didn’t surprise Jisung. 

“Hey Jisung,” Minho called to him once practice finished. The rest of the boys all made their way back to the change room. 

Jisung walked over to Minho, feeling extra gross and sweaty. His hair felt like it was plastered to his forehead, and even though his body temperature is boiling, the sweat on his body gives him chills. 

“Welcome to the team,” Minho said, smiling as he extended his hand out for Jisung to shake. Jisung was very happy, and excitedly took Minho’s hand and shook it. 

Jisung never even processed how much the idea of being on the team grew on him until he heard those words coming from his new captain's mouth. 

“Are you serious?” Jisung beamed. Minho gave him a pat on the shoulder as he gave him a confirming head nod. 

“But, you’ll still have to work hard if you want playing time this year,” Minho told him, leading Jisung towards the change rooms. 

“Of course,” Jisung agreed. 

“I think this is going to be a great season, Jisung,” Minho predicted, “I’m glad you took the jump and joined the team, I know Hyunjin said you were hesitant...” he trailed off.

Jisung noticed the way that Minho’s eyes gleamed, and the sweat made his skin sparkle. It wasn’t the first time that Jisung marveled at the boy’s handsomeness, but it feels like it. Jisung could never get over how smooth and pretty Minho’s skin was, or how it looked like Minho’s dark eyes reflected the rich warmth of the sun. Jisung thought he felt warm. 

It was then that it hit Jisung. His mind was flicking from one thought to the next, and before he knew it, he was thinking about how soft Minho’s lips looked. 

He snapped out of that thought, and saw Minho give a confused look. Jisung must have jumped a little bit at the shocking thoughts about his friend. 

“Jisung, are you okay?” Minho asked, placing a comforting hand on Jisung’s bare arm. Jisung felt his skin burn where Minho touched it, and his arm muscles tensed up. 

“Yeah,” he assured as they got to the change room door, “just the chills,” he excused, pushing open the heavy door and making his way to where Hyunjin was. 

Hyunjin raised his eyebrows in expectation, and Jisung realized he was asking what Minho said. Jisung smiled at him and nodded his head. 

“Yes!” Hyunjin celebrated. Jisung really appreciated how happy Hyunjin was that they will be playing basketball together. 

Jisung tried to engage himself in conversation with Hyunjin about everybody's positions and the team’s plays they used in the games, but Jisung was still hung up on the thought of Minho. 

----

That night, Jisung had a tough time shutting his brain off. All he could think about was why he reacted so harshly when he thought about Minho’s lips. It was nothing that out of the ordinary, he was just thinking about Minho’s face. He thought about Minho’s eyes, his nose, his skin, his hair, his laugh, everything, but for some reason, he felt guilty while thinking about his lips. 

Jisung figured that thinking about another guy’s lips seemed wrong. It just seemed weird. Usually, when a guy thinks about lips, they usually think about wanting to kiss those lips. And, those lips usually belong to a girl. 

Jisung tested out a theory. He thought about Nayeon, the girl he kissed at the party. He remembered her starry eyes, smooth and pale skin, and her lips that were soft and pink, pressed against his. He remembered how it felt, and what she tasted like, and even the pressure of her body flush against his in the dark hallway, but he still felt nothing. He might as well have been thinking about his school work. 

Then, Jisung cautiously thought about Minho’s lips. He thought the same thing that he thought earlier that day. They are some of the softest and prettiest lips Jisung has seen on any boy. Immediately, he felt his cheeks heat up in a blush. He felt dizzy as he thought about Minho. He imagined how smooth his skin must be. He imagined touching it. Suddenly, without his permission, Jisung’s mind trailed to what Minho’s lips would feel like when he kissed him, and he shot up in bed. 

He didn’t know what type of emotion he was feeling, but it felt like adrenaline, guilt, excitement, and fear all wrapped up in one. He was panting hard, trying to catch his breath. Suddenly, Jisung understood what people meant in all of those love songs and romance movies he used to watch. He feels a spark; he feels dizzy; he feels drunk. 

And it is terrifying.

Jisung snapped back to reality. He was having thoughts about kissing another boy. Not a girl, but a boy. Was he gay? He couldn’t be gay. He didn’t know why, but he just knew that he wasn’t gay. 

Jisung was confused and scared at this revelation. How could he face Minho again? Minho had been so kind and welcoming to him, and Jisung repays him by imagining gross scenarios filled with subconscious, perverted thoughts. 

There has to be someone he can go to for help. Someone that can help him figure out his feelings, because he can’t deal with them on his own. Jisung could never talk to Felix or Seungmin because he was too worried that they’d think he was weird, or gross, or something like that. Obviously he couldn’t tell Minho or Hyunjin. Chaeryeong would end his entire life if she found out her brother was having homosexual thoughts. His mother would disown him if he was anything other than straight. 

Then it hit him. Myoui Mina was a girl in his grade, and she was openly bisexual. Jisung had never really thought to talk to her or try and get close to her, not because he didn’t think that it was okay for her to like girls, but just because he was never really interested in making more friends. 

Jisung had a few classes with her over the years, and from what he could tell, she was a very kind person. Jisung also knows that after she came out freshman year, she suffered all kinds of bullying. Jisung had heard about the horror stories about her locker getting the D slur written on it in permanent marker, and the rumors that she hooked up with a thirteen year old girl. Of course Jisung never believed it, but people can be outright vicious when they want to be. 

Jisung assumed that if anyone would be trustworthy and possibly helpful to him, it would be Myoui Mina. 

So, he made up his mind to talk to her the next day, and ask her for advice. What did he have to lose?

----

When the bell rang for lunch, Jisung immediately doubted his plan to ask Mina for advice. He felt himself begin to shake as he saw her across the hall from where he was, talking to a girl he doesn’t know. 

Jisung thought about the night before, how gross it felt having those thoughts about Minho, which gave him the confidence he needed to catch up to Mina. 

When Jisung got to where she was walking, she bid her friend goodbye as she stopped and opened a locker, Jisung figures it probably belongs to her. Mina’s friend kept walking down the hall, which Jisung was thankful for. 

Now or never. 

“Uhm.. Hi Mina,” he greeted, leaning against the locker beside her in an attempt to look less awkward and panicked. 

She was a little bit startled from the sudden guy beside her, but her gaze softened when she saw it was Jisung. 

“Han Jisung? What’s going on?” she asked, grabbing her bag out of her locker and leaving her school books inside.

Jisung took a breath. He was scared to tell anybody about his situation, which he thought would be understandable. He doesn’t think that coming to terms with something like this would be easy for anybody. 

“Uhm..” he starts. Suddenly, he begins to shake slightly again, finding it hard to breathe.

“Are you okay?” She asks, closing her locker and giving him a concerned look. 

“Can we talk... in private?” he asked, and she gave him a confused nod. The two of them began to walk in silence, Mina leading him outside to the bleachers on the side of the running track. Nobody ever sat there, so Jisung saw that it was a perfect spot for this conversation. 

“Not gonna lie, you’re kind of freaking me out,” Mina says, sitting down on the metal bench. Jisung joins her and stares intently at the track in front of them. He likes sitting here because he didn’t have to look at her in the eyes while he told her his biggest secret. “I know we don’t really know each other, but something’s obviously wrong,” she said. 

“Mina...” he started. The air outside was cool, which was hardly unusual for early-mid October. There was a breeze that supplied Jisung with more oxygen. He took a deep inhale of the refreshing air, and bit his lip. “When did you realize... you liked girls?” he asked in a small voice. 

Mina smiled in understanding. Jisung sat in the question for a second, waiting for her to answer. He began to feel anxious, worried that she thought he was weird for asking. He was about to backtrack and find a way to leave when-

“I was thirteen, and I watched Harry Potter,” she answered. Jisung felt a massive weight lift off of his shoulders as he listened to her response. “It was Hermione, really. I don’t know why, but I had such a big crush on her. I didn’t even realize that it was a romantic thing until I was fourteen,” she let out a small, airy laugh. “everyone has their crushes...” 

Jisung smiled and nodded. 

“I assume that’s not the only think you wanted to talk to be about though, is it?” she said, resting her arm on his shoulder, “it’s okay, I won’t judge you,” 

Jisung almost felt himself tear up. He didn’t realize it would be this hard to come to terms with himself, but here he was. “I...” he started, and then stopped. 

“Jisung, do you think you might be interested in boys?” she asked cautiously, moving her hand to his back and rubbing consoling circles over the uniform. 

Jisung couldn’t find it in him to give her a verbal answer, so he just nodded his head. Mina gave him a smile, which he didn’t see since he was so focused on the track. 

“What makes you think that?” she asked, using a calming voice. Jisung felt safe with her. He almost felt like she was giving him motherly love, and it was intoxicating. 

He took a deep breath, and willed himself to explain it. “So...” he began, “I have this friend, I’m not going to say his name, and... I don’t know, I really wanted to be his friend, and he’s always so nice to me,” he mustered up the courage to look Mina in her eyes. He saw the genuine look she had on her face, and it made him feel less scared. “Anyways, I had.. a weird thought about him yesterday,” 

“What kind of a weird thought?” she asked. Jisung felt a whole new wave of nervousness engulf him when he realized he was about to tell her that he thought about kissing another boy, and he liked the idea. 

“It was..” he trailed off, but brought himself back, “His lips.. and I wanted to kiss them,” he finished. He hung his head in shame, hoping to hide his embarrassed cheeks from her. He felt his heart pound throughout his whole body, sounding like thunder in his ears. 

“I see,” Mina whispered. Jisung waited for her response, but there was none. 

“I just.. I don’t know, am I gay?” he asked her, turning to fully face her finally. 

Mina gave him an apologetic smile. “I can’t answer that for you, Jisung,” she moved both of her hands to grab both of his, “but I can tell you that whatever you are, it’s okay,” she confirmed, “liking boys is not a bad thing, okay?” she told him. 

Jisung felt his emotions get stronger again. He realized that what he really wanted was validation. He craved somebody to tell him his feelings for Minho weren’t disgusting. He needed that to help him become at peace with it. And he got it, in the form of Myoui Mina. 

The two of them exchanged numbers so that they could talk, and Jisung could keep her updated on what happens with him. 

When Jisung was walking back to his locker, he saw Minho, Jeongin and Sungjin all walking down the hall. As much as Jisung tried not to focus on the boy in the middle, his gaze automatically landed on Minho. 

He was wearing the red varsity jacket, his hair was slightly messy, but it looked attractive on him. Jisung met his eyes, and Minho gave him a wink and a smile as he walked. Jisung felt himself freeze in place when he noticed Minho’s lips curled into the most radiant smile Jisung had ever had the privilage of seeing. He felt his breath catch in his throat as Minho turned back to the other two boys, walking right past Jisung. 

He has absolutely no idea the damage he is doing. 

[snufflingfortruffles]

i can't safely vent anywhere else and my 2 friends are asleep so fuck it, venting into the void time

tl;dr: my sister and i have a bad relationship and i want to get along with her but my mental illnesses and her mental illnesses make it extremely difficult and i feel horrible about it all.

my sister dropped by tonight and i had very little warning, and i especially didn't realize she'd be spending the night (i work overnight and am nocturnal and she doesn't work right now so her sleep schedule is Random). i have a bunch of shit to do around the house that I can't make myself do most of the time because i'm a shambling homonculus of poorly treated mental illness. i've been lowkey stressed all year because it's 2020 and i'm a leftist in america, watching the nation fall to fascism while society crumbles and civilians die and science is mocked, unable to see my friends in person, all within a year of our dad passing away, and with a 15 year old dog who means everything to me who i may lose at any point, because age be like that sometimes. i live with my authoritarian mother and can't smoke weed (the only way i can actually relax), if i drink it has to be in secret, i can't say anything political around her, and I can't reveal anything about my sex life because i'm literally not allowed to have one. so to say i'm Always Stressed is an understatement. my only hobbies at this point are going to the vet for dog prescription refills or paranoid checkups, and distracting myself with internet and hulu because being alone with my own mind is too risky.

in addition, i grew up with bad social anxiety and, as i recently learned, am most likely autistic. it's rare for me to spend time with someone without feeling on edge; it tends to be at least mildly stressful and i need some prep time to have plans or something, anything to fall back on so we're not just sitting around awkwardly while they ask what i wanna do and i say i don't know. obviously, the people i've gotten along best with are people who are cool with chilling, being in a room together without much engagement, and pointing at nearby animals as a form of bonding because look, there's a bird, isn't that great???

my sister is not like this. in many ways she takes after my mom; more extroverted than she realizes, focusing every conversation on her viewpoint, seemingly unable to hear and learn from other perspectives. in addition, she plays the victim pretty often, always using language that forces guilt onto everyone else and pushing people away if they don't do what she wants (and then trying to guilt them back into her life).

so despite a relatively good relationship through large parts of our childhood/adolescence, the older we get, the less i can deal with her. my mental health is deteriorating, as is hers, and we have similar issues there, but she tends to want people around her, always doing stuff with her, hanging out all the time. she's spent most of the plague lockdown with a guy she met online, so she's barely been alone. she has roommates who get on her nerves but are also young and easier to relate to than, say, a republican boomer who goes to church every week and mostly talks now to other widows (which isn't a bad thing, just not something i can relate to). she says she's upset that she hasn't been working because of covid, but has made very little effort, if any, to get another job because those Essential jobs are the kind she just... doesn't do. so yes, she has problems and is allowed to want to hang out with her sister... but she doesn't get that her sister is fucking Broken and Hanging Out isn't the glue for me that it is for her.

my nights off are often my only chance to do chores and housework (doing so around my mom is frustrating as hell), plus i need that solitude as a break from the intense social anxiety. when she came over and i realized she was spending the night, i knew it'd end in a fight. she doesn't say "what do you want to do" or accept if i say "nothing, let's just hang out". she asks repeatedly if i want to watch a movie (i almost never watch movies, i can't explain it, i'm just not a movie person and don't have much desire to watch them). if i walk into another room to eat a snack she starts checking in, often using a particular tone of voice that i recognize as "i want something". she requires a level of patience and social energy I don't have,and when i start getting flustered because i can never properly express "i don't know what i want to do, and if i do anything i want to clean up my room or something boring that isn't a shared activity, so if we could just hang out near each other that would be fine" when i start getting stressed. my language capabilities just... stop? when my anxiety is flaring up, especially when i'm talking out loud to a person. she jumps on the presence of stress in my voice, on uneasy tones, on the realization that i wasn't ready for this, and immediately starts getting passive aggressive, guilting me for not wanting to hang out with her, telling me how hard her life is, invalidating my hesitations, etc. when i asked if she would want to do something different, like watch cartoons instead while i tried to get stuff done, she cut me off angrily and said no. she's said things like "fine i get it i won't ask anymore" multiple times and blamed me for not updating her on my work schedule or whatever, just making me feel worse and worse, but also more indignant because i had so little say in any of this.

she does this a lot, in many situations- she's not a person who's good at taking no for an answer, which is extremely worrying in terms of her need to always have a boyfriend because I have no idea how they're being treated. it's possible she mostly does this to me, because i was always a pushover and have only learned in recent years to try and express what's really going on in my head (and also i have lost a lot of the patience i had before my life had fallen apart completely).

i want to hang out. i miss spending time with people. i wish i could just say yes and sit uncomfortably through a movie like a normal person probably would to keep a nicer relationship with my sister. but being pressured, being denied my own say, being expected to spend my first night off in almost a week how i wish to spend it, and being guilted for all of it, mixed with my weird, anxious, autistic brain's need to blurt out true answers before the socially acceptable option even occurs to me, have made for ridiculous hurdles that i can no longer jump over. i want comfort. i want a voice. i want respect. and the people who allow me those privileges aren't the people i've been able to keep in my life (my dad passed away and my friends are out of bounds because of covid). so constant frustration wears me down and then i argue with my sister because i'm too fucked to just say sure and watch a damn movie, and she's too fucked to accept that people need to be able to say no, even to tiny, seemingly simple requests.

also my favorite holiday is this weekend and i can barely even care because i got scheduled to work despite asking off and have been dreading having to call and get my schedule fixed.

anyway that's my night off so far. whee.

[sage-nebula]

(do NOT reblog or I’ll delete the post and block you)

This past week I’ve really felt like I might be relapsing. I’ve been back on my nocturnal (i.e. normal for this hemisphere) sleep schedule for a while now, which leaves me constantly tired; I haven’t felt in the mood to eat anything, though I’ve been forcing myself to do so anyway at least; I’ve been finding it harder to think of myself as pretty or cute when I look in the mirror; my depression and anxiety have felt like they’re kicking up again despite the Lexapro, and the negative intrusive self-talk has gotten worse, to the point where I just blurted out, “I’m so stupid” one night for a simple mistake, and it took a moment before I corrected myself with, “No, I’m not stupid, I’m actually quite smart and intelligent, it just slipped my mind because I’m tired.” 

This morning it was bad enough that I was actually fretting on my way to work about, what if the Lexapro is losing its effectiveness? I’m on a 10mg dosage now. We can still increase to 20mg, but I’m pretty sure that’s the limit. And even if it wasn’t, can it lose its effectiveness over a mere two months? Where does that leave me, if so? I don’t want it to lose its effectiveness. I want it to keep helping me. I need it to keep helping me.

All of that said, this evening I got a clue that my shark week is I think just starting (like this is the very very first day of it, not even the first full day), and when I realized that, my reaction was just, “Ah.” If that is the case, that . . . probably explains things, and also means that the Lexapro is likely not losing its effectiveness. That’s a relief.

But I still also have to remember that even if I relapse some, that doesn’t mean I’ve failed, or that it’s a permanent failure. If you’re climbing up a mountain, and you slip and fall back down part of the way, you can still climb back up. It will be painful, and hard, but so long as you’re alive---so long as I’m alive---I can do it. Relapses are a normal part of the recovery process, and recovery like what I have to go through is an ongoing journey without an end. I just have to keep climbing, and try not to feel too badly about myself during the periods when I slip and fall. I can climb back up, and get back to where I was, and I deserve to. I deserve to make and have that progress, and I don’t deserve to be hurt or treated badly, least of all by myself. I need to be in my own corner first and foremost, so my brain needs to start giving me consistent positive self-talk instead of negative. I need to keep working on that. I need to keep climbing.

Though I will say that certain recent events have had me thinking about my childhood and adolescence again, and the abuse I went through back then that left me with the C-PTSD I’m constantly trying to recover from now. And it’s little things from back then, too, like---there were really, really bad incidents, and some really, severely fucked up times I went through, and stories that are too personal or painful for me to share here (both because I don’t like thinking about them, but also because I don’t like to hand them over to others to use against me, as has happened in the past). But it’s also little things, like---I like to get physical copies of video games so that I can have the game cases lined up on my media shelf. I have the actual game cards in my Switch carrying case, so I can have them with me wherever I have my Switch, but I like having the cases on the shelf, and seeing them all lined up there. Counting them off, you know. And I was thinking about why I like this. I don’t think I’m a materialistic person, generally; I do want my house to look cool, but I’m not one of those people who, if I won the lottery, I’d by a sixty room mansion and fill it with pointless, but expensive, garbage. I’d keep my same place, my same car, all that. I don’t really want a life of luxury, I just want to live comfortably.

So I’m not overly materialistic, and I don’t value collecting things for the sake of collecting them . . . but I like seeing my cases lined up on the game shelf, and I’m just as excited to add more cases to that shelf as I am to play the new games as they come out. (Also, I wish that games like Celeste and Night in the Woods would get physical releases so I could add those cases to my shelf as well.) I was thinking about why this is, and I realized that it’s because I never had a lot of games in my youth. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve owned a lot of video game consoles in my life time, but for every console or handheld I had, I usually only had a handful of games. Like, I had six games for my N64 growing up. I think that back when the Gamecube was actually relevant, I had about seven games, and even then, over my lifetime I only got that number up to about twelve. And this isn’t a Dudley Dursley kind of temper tantrum competition game, wherein I whine about just not having enough games, because I did like and appreciate the games I had. But like, with the N64, I had those six games, and meanwhile my brother had over thirty to choose from. This was because I lived with my biological mother, whereas he lived with my dad and (step)mom, and our economic situations were very, very different. (Read: My biological mother was dirt poor and spent any money we did have, including the child support, on herself, whereas my brother had the middle class lifestyle with three parents and tons of extended relatives who doted on him and gave him anything he wanted.) And I never complained about this back then, but I remember feeling so impressed when I opened up his N64 cartridge case whenever I was at my dad’s house and saw all those games to choose from, whereas when I opened my own cartridge case (identical to his), it was . . . much emptier.

And then with the Gamecube (which I got later than everyone else because even though my dad sent me money to get one as a Christmas present, my biological mom took that money and spent it on herself), there was an extra level of messed up because my biological mom decided to run a scam with Wal-Mart for a while. Basically what she would do is she would buy things with a credit card, and then return them later to get cash money that she could then spend on necessities. (Why she didn’t just buy the necessities with the credit card instead of racking up credit card debt I don’t know. I stopped trying to figure out her thought processes a long time ago.) The reason why this is relevant to the story is because she decided the best way to do this was with video games. So when I was about thirteen, she told me to go to the games section and pick out a few games. I very excitedly ran over and picked some out, so happy I was getting to add some new ones to my library, and I remember specifically that Mario Kart: Double Dash was one of them, because I had wanted that for a very long time. We bought the games and went home. And when I went to go put Double Dash in to play it, she told me I couldn’t do that because we were going to return them. I was hurt and confused. I didn’t understand. And when I questioned her, she grew furious that I was back talking and arguing. I guess the one benefit is that I knew to choose games I wasn’t actually interested in the next time she used me to run the scam.

Anyway, this is all relevant because I wanted a bigger games library growing up, and I just didn’t have the opportunity to have it. Even after I moved out of her house, I never wanted to ask my parents for too much, not only because I felt the answer was likely to be “no,” but also because I was just grateful that Shiloh and I were away from my biological mother. And even after I started working, and especially after I moved out of my parents’ house and into my own apartment, I still didn’t have a lot of disposable income to spend on video games. Not only that, but I usually got new systems a couple years behind everyone else (with the 3DS being the first exception, but even then, I didn’t have a lot of disposable income at first so I couldn’t keep up with the library the way I wanted to), so trying to figure out which games to buy was a nightmare. The result of which being, although I helped form my university’s video game club back in my sophomore year (I was nineteen), I felt like the weak link of the officer squad. I loved video games, and I was pretty good at a lot of them, but I also was so inexperience compared with everyone else, who had way more games than I did.

But with the Switch, it’s different now. I got the Switch on launch day thanks to Christmas money allowing me to preorder it, and although I’m still supporting myself and still struggle bussing every month, the games I want are usually either a bit cheaper (such as Hollow Knight being only $15), or they’re spaced out enough so that I can afford them (+ I have credit cards I can use). Since I’ve had it since launch and I’ve been in this position since launch, I’ve been able to keep up with new releases. My library still isn’t huge (I have nine physical games, plus three digital that I love---and one of those digital games is getting a physical release in spring), but it’s growing, and I know I’ll add more games to it in the coming months. And I guess it’s important to me not because of materialism or anything like that, but because it’s symbolic that I’m at a place in my life now where I can grow this library, where I can do what I always wanted to, but never could as a kid. When I buy games myself, I know they’re mine, and no one can take them from me. And I’m here, in my own house, with my own media shelf (that I wallpapered with special starry paper I bought at Nijo Castle in Japan), and all of this---the house, the media shelf, the games---represent how far I’ve come, and how far I continue to go. And I know that’s weird, that I’m using a growing video game collection as a symbol of recovery because of rather small parts of my abusive childhood and adolescence (and again, I’m not saying those things were the worst I suffered, because they by far were not, but I’m not sharing the details of the worst things for personal reasons), but I’ve been thinking about it nonetheless and I think that’s how my brain has processed all this as I move through recovery.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for tonight. Reminder to NOT reblog this, or I’ll delete the post and block you, thanks.

[dzpenumbra]

7/28/23

Alright. 3AM and here I am. I got a full night's sleep last night. Waking up and seeing the afternoon light was a relief. I'm hoping that will soon be... a thing of the past.

Let me elaborate. I had therapy today. I timed the start of my day so that I didn't do yoga or anything before therapy, I actually pretty much started my day with it. I did dishes and broke out my brand new teapot to make a pot of jasmine tea. I thawed some frozen strawberries - this bag unfortunately was not a great batch. I ate a bowl of cereal and played Mini Motorways for a bit. But the big thing was... I started my day with therapy.

The teapot... was a bit of a mistake, to be honest. Not in getting it, it will be a perfect addition when I finally do literally anything social in-person at my house. Something I had given up on ages ago in the past. But... what noticed today was that... just drinking two cups of tea was... too much. I got too much caffeine in my system from just two cups of tea. How fucking crazy is that. After only a couple days of not even a cold-turkey caffeine detox, just cutting down from a pot of black coffee to one cup of tea. The difference was staggering. I guarantee 2 weeks ago I could've drank the entire pot of tea and barely felt anything.

So, that's a thing I need to be mindful of. I made a point to go into therapy without a plan today. I was curious to see what would come out of it naturally. Unsurprisingly, some stuff from my journal entry last night about my social anxiety and panic and its origins/maturation and all that came up. But a surprising amount of stuff about... sleep. My lack of sleep, sleep interruption, my sleep schedule, what I've historically done about sleep. He made sure to be very delicate about it, but was urging me to try to bring my sleep schedule back a bit. And honestly, I want to. I genuinely don't know what's holding me back.

I say this at 3AM. 3AM is a very normal time for me to be awake. I just spent like 15 minutes in my kitchen cleaning my stove and washing dishes, and I had to actively stop myself. These late-night/early morning hours are very unique, hours that the layman rarely sees at any point in their life. Fucking think about that, how weird is that? The average person, in fact... the vast majority of people... can go their whole lives and only see between 2-4AM a handful of times. On super rare occasions, like being sick or having nightmares or if they have an infant child that needs care, or in extreme emergencies, or a super quick bathroom sprint. And I've seen that entire stretch from midnight to dawn every fucking day for well over 4 years. Every day. It's where almost every one of these journal entries was written, it's where a lot of my artwork has been made.

So... why? Why? XD Why do I sleep during the day... and stay up until dawn? I. Don't. Know.

I legit asked my therapist directly to please help me explore this next week. I honestly don't know. I'm struggling to connect the dots. Is this a thing like, "well, I just drink caffeine, don't ask me why... it's just what I do"? Is it because it's insanely quiet and still - like just the sounds of the occasional cricket or the rare nocturnal hunt? Is it because everyone else is asleep, and I'm... avoiding them? Meaning like... I finally have the world to myself and won't be bothered? ... I don't know, because I really don't have the world to myself... I have to be super quiet during the night. It's one thing to be loud and shit during the day... it's a whole other ball-game to disturb your neighbors at 3AM. Am I afraid of going to sleep in the dark? Genuinely unsure on that one. I don't really feel like I am. And I have night lights... I think it might just be... unfamiliar. Like working out was.

Here's an interesting thought I had earlier... am I sleeping during the day because that's when people aren't in the building? ... Like... everyone is away during the day, at their jobs or school or whatever. So... that's the time when the building is the emptiest. Can I like... sense (subconsciously) the presence of this many people in close proximity to me? And like... maybe when I'm sleeping, do I feel safer when I'm around less people? It's an interesting angle, but I don't know.

Or is it really not this complicated. I really think it might be as simple as... I'm just not used to sleeping at night. And I really have no dire need to be awake at a certain hour... Though it would be convenient, I would have plenty of time to skate, without having to rush. I could take day trips to the lake or the beach or go explore weird hippie shops and shit. I could go on adventures. I could go be out in the world! But when am I going to do 4-hours straight of painting? How do I fit that into my day, too?

Yeah, maybe there isn't some big subconscious reasoning. Maybe it's just... what I got used to. Maybe dawn is the only marker because... its the only timekeeper I listen to. When I see 4AM, it doesn't mean much to me. When I see the sun coming up, I go... "oh shit, yeah, I gotta wrap it up." I guess kinda like what sunset is for a lot of people.

So yeah, maybe this is just a matter of habit. Just a super big and super broad habit.

I had to remind myself today that in 2019, I was living in a house with 11 other people. I was sharing a room, first with one other person almost 10 years older than me, then with 2 people 10 years younger. It was super alien and uncomfortable and I struggled with it a lot, but I managed to make it work enough to function and adjusted surprisingly quickly. I had some sleep struggles there, but only because I was staying up until 2AM. That's peanuts compared to what I'm doing now. Back then, I was waking up at around 8 or 9 so I could make a 10AM appointment 2 times a week. But I was steadily waking up in AM. And that was not that long ago... it was only... 4... years ago... Damn, the pandemic really fucked up time, didn't it.

So... I guess a lot of my big dramatic problems are... still residual pandemic problems. Scared to be in close proximity to other people, and kinda masking that as... don't want to be "overwhelmed emotionally"... or "don't want to involuntarily do something to offend people". Maybe my panic brain is bringing that shit out because it knows I'll listen. When really... it's "I don't want to get sick and die." Because... people just don't talk about the virus anymore, like it just doesn't fucking exist. Like it just went away. And I don't have social interactions, so... I'm kinda... frozen in time? And I never evolved new social habits because... I don't have anyone else built in to practice with. So... I guess I'm kinda still in quarantine, kinda?

I mean... I'm vaccinated so I don't really know what I'm worried about. I'm just... I haven't really been to any kind of in-person thing involving more than just family members in almost 4 years. I've been to doctors, I've been to therapy, I've gone to dinner with family. I don't know, I haven't like... hung out with a group of people since before the pandemic. And it's super alien, and... that same word keeps coming up over and over and over - overwhelming. The idea of it is overwhelming. But I crave it so much. And it's essential for my personal and professional growth.

I used to go to concerts at small venues where you'd just be packed in there like sardines, feeling the energy of the crowd. Now? No way in hell I'd do that. I might stand on the side by the wall and listen to the music... Huh... Maybe this is pandemic shit.

I've been trying to put this in context of why I have been skipping and kinda avoiding... excusing myself... from going to these regular live model drawing sessions at the art collective a block away from my apartment. I've known about and missed 2 drawing sessions and a small concert to raise money for flood victims. Let me just uncork the old noggin real quick and unload all the reasons I came up with to not go. So I can hear how exaggerated (I wanted to say "stupid" but I'm really trying not to beat myself up so much) they are.

I didn't want to go because I haven't done figure drawing, let alone figure drawing from life... in a very long time. Like... since college. I did some figure drawing studies in 2020 and 2021, from photographs. I haven't done figure drawing from life since college. And... yeah, honestly? I think that's the big bad one. I'm a tiny bit self-conscious about how I smell because I stopped wearing deodorant like 6 years ago, it kept fucking with my skin and I don't like the idea of putting weird chemicals into my skin when I don't really know what effects they'll have, especially for cosmetic purposes. But I'm really not that concerned about that one, I mean... if I'm wearing beads and hemp jewelry, you can expect a little B.O. and you can get the fuck over yourself, you stink too. We all do. And I make sure I shower and perfume very soon before being around people, so I really don't think that's an issue, it's never been brought to my attention as being a big one. I am a bit self-conscious about my skin condition. It's like acne, but all over my scalp to varying degrees, in addition to some face acne. I have been self-conscious about this for a while. But I just can't bring myself to wear a hat to hide it. I just can't allow myself that crutch, it feels like giving a loaded gun to my shame. And I've been going out regularly and honestly, once I get out there I really don't think about it. On my last walk, I had mosquitos fucking gravitating towards them because they're like radar beacons of heat, but I passed by several people and the insecurity really didn't linger in my head more than a fleeting thought. If someone's going to judge me for something I can't help, when I can't even get a doctor's appointment until December? They can fuck off. I've been a little afraid that I might... be socially awkward? From just... lack of practice... But my therapy sessions prove that completely wrong... and my interactions with the girl who works for the building and the maintenance guy prove that wrong. And streaming does too. And my passing body-language interactions with people in the world prove that wrong. I'm just... kinda in my own world out there. But not in an anti-social way. In the way that a 7 year old is in their own world, because they're just utterly fascinated by the shape of these leaves over here... or this rock they found... but if you approach them, they're cool with chatting. Hell, they'll tell you all about it! So... I'm not so much insecure about my ability to communicate... I'm just worried that I won't make the most out of the opportunity. That I will meet some people but... not connect, not have it turn into friends. Because I'm too passive. I don't know.

So... of all of that... I think the insecurity about my drawing ability... and my insecurity with being too passive and just sorta... being at the school dance but standing on the sidelines and waiting for someone to approach me? Because I'm a bit shy...? Those are the big ones. The others are kinda just fleeting thoughts. How to address this? If I make figure drawing an anatomical study... or a study of breaking down the body into simple interrelated shapes... I could go on, you get what I mean? If I make this a study... rather than... I'm here to show these people my chops... as though I have to... impress them or something? First impression moments, man... that's gotta be what this is. Ugh... But yeah, if I focus on treating this as an opportunity to learn about anatomical structures... like trying to draw the person's skeleton rather than their skin... or their muscle structures in certain parts of their body that are flexed or rotated when they're in specific poses. Or just breaking down complex forms into simpler shapes so I can sorta... develop gestural shortcuts for future figure drawing... Then this can be sort of an... autodidactic class. A class where I'm teaching myself. Not just me showing up and being this incredibly talented artist and drawing the person and then people look at it and go "wow, that's really good" and I get embarrassed and proud at the same time. Good lord, engaging with these anxieties is so fucking important, this paragraph has turned me completely 180 on this. I absolutely can see the value in going to that drawing session now, it's worth well more than $15 for 2 hours. Plus, I get to potentially meet new people.

See... that's what I did. I put too much emphasis on meeting new people and making a good impression. If I have a secondary goal... I can come out of there with a win no matter what. Not that it's winning or losing... but I hope you know what I mean. If I go there with the exclusive goal of making new friends... there's a good chance that even if it goes well, I might not make a new best friend. And that puts a ton of invisible pressure on myself and on other people, that they're not even aware of. I really should be going for the experience. And make an effort to socialize. But really... just get an experience.

Goddamn. I'm just like... the concept of walking up to a stranger, or a group of strangers, at a trivia night at a bar? That shit is so fucking alien to me right now. I just immediately get a huge reflex that just starts laughing at the absurdity of that. Me. Walking up to a beautiful woman at a bar and asking to buy her a drink. XD Right... I'm in the corner booth sitting crosslegged on the bench seat drawing zentangles on a coaster. That's the character I am. I don't like being that forward. It makes me uncomfortable.

And yet... I rely on others to be that forward... Figure that one out... XD

I'm just gonna explore this one before I turn in, I really want to get a shower in before I go to bed. The time before last at the skatepark, a kid came by. I say kid, he was probably in his early 20's. He was on the other side of the park the entire time. I had headphones in, he had headphones in. He stayed on his side of the park, I stayed on mine. (To be fair, the only obstacles I wanted to skate were on the side I was on.) We didn't speak the entire time. We barely made eye contact. Can I... challenge myself... next time I'm at the skatepark... to go up to someone specifically for the purpose of saying hi? To introduce myself? I mean, I wave to passersby a lot. I smile a ton. I feel like I'm approachable enough. I wonder if I could challenge myself, set some goals... to like... go up to strangers and introduce myself and get to know something about them. Without "being weird" about it, since that keeps popping up in my head.

I did not grow up with good role models for this. But I know how to do it. I've done it in the past. And I really need to remember this part. I have done it in the past and it did not go poorly. It's just very alien to me, and it's not something I have really identified as behavior I would do. Like sending food back at a restaurant, or returning something I bought, or getting something fixed by my landlord. They are things that I am capable of doing logistically, in action, but they are not comfortable actions. They are things I do very rarely, and they feel... risky? They feel liable to upset people. And... my compassion gets hijacked by my self-protective anxiety and goes "oh, you really shouldn't upset those people, it's not that bad." Like the creaky floorboards.

That same "protective" voice says "don't be weird and go over and bother that kid." Because a 36 year old skateboarder saying hi and introducing himself and complimenting another skateboarder is... weird... apparently... and will upset them? Okay, let me turn the tables then... if a 45 year old skateboarder came up to me and complimented me, would I think it was weird? No... I would make a new friend. I'm just... I guess this is where the trauma comes in... I'm aware now that not everyone reacts the same way. And a lot of people in my life... A LOT of people... reacted in ways that did not make sense. And my compassion... got confused, and now kinda short-circuits and struggles to read peoples' reactions properly and tries to play it safe? I guess? Like... "this could go really well, it could be just a normal everyday human interaction, or it could go really bad. Really bad is the new one, we didn't know it could go like this, but god fucking damn did we learn. So... is the benefit worth the potential cost? It is worth the risk? To upset them? To hurt them?" And the answer comes out to be... "play it safe, avoid. Just smile from a distance and let them make the first move."

You know what they say. All great things come from playing it as safe as possible and not taking any risks at all. (That's sarcasm, in case you couldn't read the tone, it's actually the opposite.)

Man... Social anxiety and trauma can get so fucking weird when they mix. Weird because... the logic doesn't appear to make sense... but in the context of the narrative of my outlandish traumatic experiences... it makes a convincing enough argument to end up like this. Welp, the good news? ... Isn't that what gospel means? Good news? XD Welp, here's an excerpt from the Book of DZ for the day - I have made enough progress in developing my self-awareness to be able to detect these... hang-ups? Insecurities? Limitations? I don't even really have a good word for them. Challenges, I guess? And, more recently, I can actually... see myself performing healthier, more social actions. Well, I can see a hypothetical person doing these things. Like I can write stage directions and script a scene where a person that I would be playing would walk up and introduce himself at the skatepark. "Hey, you're really consistent with that tre flip. Is that a favorite trick of yours? Oh, my names _____ by the way." I've done it before, too. I just really wish... I felt excited to have those interactions... rather than dreading them.

Back around college graduation and the few years following, I used to do this thing I called "emotional alchemy"... where I would try to take the physical sensation of stage fright and channel it directly into excitement. Into pure, excited, "I'm pumped" excitement. I'd be back stage just like jumping around and moshing with my bandmates and putting all that adrenaline into exuberance. I have no idea where I got that idea from. But it worked.

Maybe I need to re-learn how to embrace the adrenaline. Embrace the excitement. The Ace of Cups. That's it. The Ace of fucking Cups. The gigantic burst of emotions that you get on a first date. Or a first kiss. Or your first speech in front of a crowd. Or, for the fellow recluses out there, going to the fucking grocery store. XD Or riding on a subway train or something.

This is the last thing, I promise. I mentioned this in therapy. This idea that like... what I'm dealing with are just big emotions. Intense feelings and they can get really sensory overwhelming. But it honestly hasn't been that bad recently. Walking yesterday was not bad at all. At all. Very little, if any overwhelming anxiety. I was just... joyous and childlike. But there's something about the Ace of Cups that just... throws me off. Like I'm afraid of a giant surge of ANY emotion. As though... they're bad. Because of how intense they are. Oooo oh, like how I'm kinda... if I were to find a romantic partner, I would really... need to easy my way into any form of physical contact. And I mean... even hugs. Because of how much of a fucking sensory overload it is. It makes my entire body seize up, literally. I wince. So... there's a reflexive component to this... like preparing yourself to dip into an ice-cold river. It's not going to hurt you, it's not bad... in fact, it can even be good... but it's a shock to the system. Like eating a slice of cake when you haven't eaten sugar in 5 years. Or drinking two cups of tea instead of one today. XD

So... I guess my approach here is to reassure myself that the shock to the system is not that bad, as long as you just relax and ride it out and try to just... see it as another experience. An intense life experience. And in a way, I would like to end up in a place where I am... in an odd way... grateful that I get to experience the little things in life that people all around me take so... for granted... that I get to experience these things so fully.

I go walking and I'm am constantly in awe. I think I'm the only person out in the city walking around and looking up. The architecture is very interesting and alien to me. And the lighting effects of light reflecting off brick and cast iron and other different materials. And the engineering and artistry. And so many different types of plants, in so many unique different types and growth configurations. And the constant flow of water in the river, and just picturing the currents and thinking of how long it took for the rocks to erode. And god, seeing animals is so lovely, I miss it so much and cherish it every time I get to. Birds, rabbits, beavers. I love that experience. And I really do feel blessed that I have reached a point in my personal growth to be able to genuinely appreciate and find joy in so many things. It makes every day an adventure. This overwhelm is just a byproduct of me... experiencing life with the gain turned way up. And sometimes it feels like a lot, even when it isn't bad or harmful. It's just... a lot. So... I'm trying to be self-compassionate about that limitation, but also remind myself that emotional overwhelm isn't necessarily harmful, and subsequently... doesn't necessarily need to be avoided for "personal safety".

Okay, 4:30... still gotta read this back. Not bad. Might even make it to bed before daybreak.

[femme-enby]

Personal Rant, trying to put feelings into words.

Unrelated to any fandom, purely “I feel overwhelmed/burnt out and dunno Wtf to do with myself” type of rambling.

Feelings-

I am stressed, I think.

There are just so many little things it feels like.

•ADHD meds need to increase in dose, but I need a refill like yesterday

•I need to refill my acne cream and pills but also the cream is $50 and I only used 1/2 but if I wanna use the whole thing then that means morning and night I have to be cleaning at least my face, neck, and shoulders, or face, ass cheeks, and thighs. Plus overall remembering to clean face, apply cream, and take pill both morning at night feels like a lot, plus nothing fucking looks any better anyway

•school work- I feel like it’s a lot, I don’t even want to check my grades because I know I’m not doing well, I don’t want to do it anymore, and I hate my classes

•I don’t feel like I get to spend enough time with you, I enjoy spending time with Friend, yet if I have any plans at all for a day then I 100% feel like I can’t do anything else but see that person and doing something else feels like too much

•my room is messy again, I still have laundry in the dryer, I still have laundry I need to do

•I want a “normal” sleep schedule but I can’t get my sleep schedule to stabilize and I think it’s because I’m stressed over all of this other shit plus the fact that being nocturnal just feels natural to me and always has, but obviously that is not compatible with a “normal” lifestyle or even the career I’m currently trying to achieve

•I’m once again unsure if this is the correct career for me but at this point I will have changed my plan 3 times fairly drastically as despite the second time being a teaching job it was for gym and health not English literature so I still feel like that is a pretty decent jump, and frankly you and I have been the only ones to back my past two career choices, and now it’s like you and half of me still supports this one but now I’m not fully sure but once again I haven’t a fucking clue what I would do instead so that’s frustrating

•whatever tf is wrong with my wrist

Overall that’s 7 (main) issues but a total of 20+ various stressors and it’s like almost every single one of them is being… ticked off? Brought up? Triggered? Whatever, every single day the past two or three weeks.

And I keep thinking that the next day I’ll do better, I’ll handle it better, I’ll schedule better, I’ll feel better but I don’t. I feel the same, or worse.

And I can forget about all of these things if I distract myself somehow, but that doesn’t fix any of my problems. It’s a Bandaid or a cup of water or a piece of candy but it doesn’t fix anything and once I’m back in the situation I’m reminded of how I’m doing and I’m not doing well and I feel like a mess, I feel like a failure, I feel like a disappointment, and I don’t WANT to be those things but every single time I seem to have my shit together, something changes and then I no longer have my shit together whether something ACTUALLY changes or just my mood shifts and it is so frustrating and it makes me want to lash out or be self destructive or just run away from everything but none of those are healthy options but I just cannot get my brain to focus and think of a healthy option that doesn’t put more stress on you because you cannot take on my issues, you have your own issues what with housing, your car, work, school, money in general, your family, and just my existence at this point because I can tell, I can tell that I stress you out. I can tell that you get frustrated with me, that you are tired and you are also (at least at times) overwhelmed and I can’t add to that, I don’t WANT to add to that- not more than I am, but I don’t want to add to it at all. The only things I can contribute are emotional support and pussy, and those things ain’t enough for the mess I am.

* I’m struggling and I don’t feel like I have anyone I can turn to- I don’t want to add to Partner’s stress. Friend is past this mess and since she’s the only friend I have aside from Partner I don’t want to put this steaming pile of mental illness and bullshit on her radar, let alone right in front of her face. I can’t see a therapist because we don’t have the money and I am costing enough money as it is. Dad can’t know anything because it’ll inevitably be a “in my day we just picked ourselves up by our bootstraps” and/or “you cost me too much fucking money” conversation. Mom can’t know anything because either she will feel forced to give money she doesn’t have, she will coddle me, or she will somehow turn this around into a “well, maybe it’s those hormones” (which is possibly valid but also I’ll be suffering without and I can’t tell which is worse- wanting to skin myself alive and having emotional breakdowns more and more often as time passes, or generally being an emotionally unstable being) or “maybe you should just do *career I have absolutely no interest in*” or some other conversation that does me no good emotionally. I feel overwhelmed, burnt out, as well as alone AND suffocated at the same time, and I just do not know what to do.

[mollydollyjournals]

Gotta stay awake...my sleep schedule is pretty fucked right now and I drank a lot yesterday which is making me more tired because of the hangover. I don't feel as bad today as I thought I would, given how much I drank. That's hopefully because I started taking NAC supplements, but I can't really relax until I see how I feel tomorrow. That time in November I felt suspiciously okay the next day, but on the 2nd day I felt like I was dying. So I don't really know yet.

It's 8:15am and I need to stay up as long as I can. It seems really daunting right now. I'm tempted to have another coffee but sometimes all that does is give me palpitations and an energy crash then stop me from being able to actually fall asleep even though I'm still awake. I've already had one coffee and some Pepsi Max. Food could make me feel more awake but I don't wanna eat again. Hangover days always make me need/want more food but I don't want to have something if it's not absolutely necessary.

Hb is asleep and will be for at least the next few hours. I don't know if I'll be able to stay awake long enough until he gets up. Part of me is tempted to just go to sleep now and see if I can push my clock back a little, and then I'd see him later when I get up, but then I'd also be even more nocturnal. I need to stay up a little later each day until I'm back on track. But then also I don't need to be back on track yet so I could put it off? I don't know.

I feel like there was definitely something I wanted to write about and figure out...? But I don't remember what. I'm just so damn sleepy. I keep yawning and my eyes are watering. I think it would be easier to stay awake if I had something specific to do. I'm caught up with all the anime I was watching. Started reading the Jujutsu Kaisen manga so I can read ahead, but I'm still on the bits the anime covered and I want to read it so I can compare but it's not the same kind of interest that I'd need to keep me awake. I was sketching out some clothing designs but they're pretty basic and I've kinda done as much as I can without actually getting up and using a measuring tape. I would order the fabric and stuff but I don't have my money yet. I should get some tomorrow but there's also another bigger amount I'm waiting for that could be any time, I have no idea.

God it'd be nice if I felt like I could actually wear that clothing. If I make it, I'm not sure what size to do. I want to make it for smaller measurements, like at least where I am at roughly 130lbs. That's where I start to not feel as disgusting. But also then maybe I'll never lose the weight and I'll just have these clothes that don't fit me. But then if I make them to my current measurements maybe I'll never wear them anyway because I hate my body like this. Maybe a miracle will happen and I'll get to 110 and they'll be too big regardless. I don't know.

The NAC supplements are currently making me feel a little more stable so I'm hoping that tomorrow or in the next few days I'll be able to work out. I keep saying that, then I keep having freakouts and drinking and fucking it up. Or just not feeling well enough, but usually the reason is drinking. If the NAC helps me feel more stable, I'll be able to avoid drinking for long enough that I'll feel a bit better physically. NAC is also good for that too. Then I need to do some fucking exercise.

[energonalucard]

Killer Kyoudai AU (pt. 3)

AU: The Killer Brothers are Magnum Ace’s brothers and the Silver/Fighter Brothers were made just to counter the murder sprees they go on as detectives. They also adopt Magnum at one point.

Robot Harem Animes-Today at 12:50 AM

they're scared of them and they're scared of them

Chaoit-Today at 12:50 AM

but they know that they're not welcome

Robot Harem Animes-Today at 12:50 AM

…geez, how to get around this

Minion tO WHO?-Today at 12:50 AM

Garret

Chaoit-Today at 12:51 AM

oh that's gonna be fun

Minion tO WHO?-Today at 12:52 AM

The UN is gonna be a major part of this and they're gonna bite hard. They don't buy out SC, they buy out a middle class League team and rebrand all the mechs and femmes for war. But they take it to the field.

Chaoit-Today at 12:54 AM

and holy shit it's going to be fun for SC

Minion tO WHO?-Today at 12:55 AM

This team rebrands as a casting call to all those who were Iron Soldiers. They named their teams after letter combinations and their moves based on things like the Black Box, X Section, and Dunk Guns. It's not a fun reminder for everyone who sees this and knows...

Chaoit-Today at 12:55 AM

because how are they supposed to relax or practice when the Killer bros are in their base? and mental games ahoy

They have to work it out. This is where things look better. They have to work together for this threat, and it's been about a year that they've joined SC.It goes...

Bad ➡ Good ➡ Better ➡ Gets Worse ➡ Oh shit no it's bad ➡ Gets better ➡ Tear jerker happy ending. We're at "Good" now

Chaoit-Today at 12:59 AM

that would be good

Minion tO WHO?-Today at 1:00 AM

This is where they start to get along and actually practise during the day. The team try to play as soon as they wake up but due to their neglect of their newer members, they noticed the KK are nocturnal now, as they'd do everything when SC was asleep. So they push them to sleep closer to sunsets to wake up at daybreak, and they slowly work them back into a normal schedule. They play baseball together, soccer, and a bit of hockey but that's dropped when the season is all soccer and baseball.

Robot Harem Animes-Today at 1:04 AM

I would like to point out that you writing 'oh sh!t no it's bad' on the plot chart fills me with terror

Minion tO WHO?-Today at 1:04 AM

The KK talking outside of each other for once as Magnum has a whole day planned for his main team to force the KK to speak up to win at practice. It works after day 42 of this and Killer B shouts during baseball, "Outfield, catch it already!" and since it's Magnum's plan for this, Windy jumps to catch it as told.

(( Thank you! ))

Integrating them into after games activities other then Ruri forcing them to watch TV with the team include; showering with the team at a comfortable distance, going to festivals, going on walks with Juurouta to clear their minds and souls a bit, and just having fun in general.

Chaoit-Today at 1:08 AM

((yeah, it kinda scares me too))

Minion tO WHO?-Today at 1:10 AM

(( I feel flattered! 😇))

Top Joy winding a wet towel and snapping it at Killer Q's aft in good nature in the shower as he's not looking... 

Killer B gasps, expecting his brother to break down or scream. But Killer Q just balls his fist, turns on Top Joy, and wraps Top Joy's face in a towel. "Eat cotton, pinky!" Q cries as everyone laughs, especially Killer B.Going to sleep and snuggling just because they want to instead of in fear.

Chaoit-Today at 1:14 AM

just flings it at Topjoy's face

Minion tO WHO?-Today at 1:15 AM

Wraps it. Threw it to surprise him, and pulls in tight in a knot to make sure it stays! He deserves it!

Robot Harem Animes-Today at 1:15 AM

it makes a 'whap' and top joy yelps in surprise, but the noise he makes it just too funny

Minion tO WHO?-Today at 1:16 AM

Killer Q walking out of the shower, hips swaying and shoulders bouncing as today's the first days he's been carefree for so long.

Mixing oils with Lavenders to see what they can take in late night after practice games. "Chug! Chug! Chug! HE DID IT!"

Games start in summer, and it's spring. Valentines Day!

Killer Q and Killer B just wanting to retreat to their room because they're not Valentine fans. And Top Joy says, "You guys are the literal colors of VA day" and makes B almost pop out paint to hide it.

Robot Harem Animes-Today at 1:20 AM

valentine's day is my favorite holiday, LOL!

Chaoit-Today at 1:20 AM

Q would actually have his hands on the paint before someone stops him

Robot Harem Animes-Today at 1:20 AM

ruri gets little cans of chocolate oils and hands them out to everyone. including the killer bros

Minion tO WHO?-Today at 1:21 AM

Q finds pride in rocking pink and Killer Q would down chocolate like air. Killer B would sip it regularly. Killer B trying to get Killer Q out of their before he thinks about getting drunk/overcharged and he's already drunk, okay this isn't ending well

Chaoit-Today at 1:24 AM

B having to haul his drunk bro's aft out of there and to their room

Minion tO WHO?-Today at 1:25 AM

Q just crying out like a kid, "But I wanna stay with the nice mechs! They don't harass us or hurt us! Please, can I stay?!"

*Pregnant pause*

The party grows quiet.

Chaoit-Today at 1:26 AM

B moves faster

Minion tO WHO?-Today at 1:26 AM

B flat out picks his brother up and fireman carries him out like "shit shit shit shit"

"In front of the team? Really?" B asks his drunk brother as he runs down the hall.

Chaoit-Today at 1:27 AM

dead lifts into a fireman carry and books it

Minion tO WHO?-Today at 1:28 AM

Bye felisha!

Killer Q was growing queezy from the bumpy ride, "But it's true... They don't hit us, and they help us..." he let's out a sad drunk noise. "I miss Magnum..."

"He's back there! You'll see him tomorrow!" B says as he books it.

"I miss Frontier... I miss Aniki..." Q groans on his shoulders

Chaoit-Today at 1:32 AM

"Don't throw up on me! We're almost there!"

Minion tO WHO?-Today at 1:33 AM

Killer B jumps down a stairwell more then use the steps but once he got to the private quarters, he stopped running and used the time to think. "My too Irepid. Me too... And you better wait till we get inside to puke, I have rags you ass!"

"I won't... it's just spital running down your back..."

"You always were the cute one, Q."

"Thank you... Wait, was that sarcasm...?"

"Oh look, pretty and smart!"

"Fuck... You..."

"Love you too, Q."

He shifts his bro on his shoulders so he can type the code in and goes into their room. He lays him down on his side and brings a bucket to him just in case. He gets a rag, places it in subspace and cuddles his brother from behind as he licks their door. Not tonight... They didn't want to be disturbed tonight.

Q purging about thirty minutes later and he just wakes up to a hand outstretching a rag from behind him. "Thanks... b."

"No prob, Q... Go to sleep when you feel better." He hugs his brother closer to him to reassure him as he wipes his face.

"I'm feeling more sane too... sorry for ruining Valentine's Day... And our lie..." Q said as he gripped the foul smelling rag.

"It's okay... They're smart... They'd find out eventually." B murmurs behind him.Q makes a sad noise. And he throws the rag across the room. 

"Damnit! I miss him so much now! I used to not care, now I want Frontier back and it hurts to sleep without him!"

"I know... I know..." He pats his brothers back gently.

Chaoit-Today at 1:48 AM

((depending on if Ace is shipped in this or not, that's gonna be interesting))

Minion tO WHO?-Today at 1:48 AM

"We were such assholes! What the hell did Girochi make us that way for?!" Q growls. "It's not fair!"

((Ship as you please, I don't care!))

B can only nuzzle his back as Q just faints from drunkenness. He makes sure to sent positive waves to his brother's prone form. Everyone outside their door. Magnum had tried the code to unlock but he got a red lock screen. Well... He doesn't try to barge in and they all filter in as they heard Q vomit and rage.It's quiet in the hall until everyone but Magnum leaves.

'I miss Frontier... Why did Girochi make us... It's not fair!'

Minion tO WHO?-Today at 2:00 AM

NEXT DAY is a little awkward for everyone except Killer Q, he's got a hangover so he can't focus. He can't play with his stupor but B gets bombarded with stares. It's just... unnerving and he almost loses his edge while playing and having to stare at Magnum. Killer Q has reopened an old wound and hes feels lightheaded and just... he misses every swing he does and quits after strike 11. He tells his brother to follow him, he's not in the mood for playing today.

Q just falls on the couch as his brother fetches coolant to drink and sat at the end of the couch that Q wasn't taking up. Q groaned as he tried to find the remote.

B turned the TV on with the remote and handed it to his brother's searching hand. "Watch what you want bro. I'm going to sleep... We stayed up late last night..."

Killer Q only watched TV for twenty minutes before someone threw a blanket over him. He assumed it was B and snuggled up to sleep again. Killer B had been asleep for ten minutes before this and he too got a blanket and the empty coolant taken from him. Magnum watched them and turned the TV down low, not changing their environment too much just incase they had their Soldier systems.

He leaves the room to see everyone gathered at the entrance way to the room. Some were concerned, others just had neutral faces."Are they...?" Ryuuken asked quietly.

"They're asleep, yes." Magnum says in a quiet voice. "Don't be too loud on this floor if you don't mind."

Everyone was silent. The air was serious.

"Look... what we heard last night was an invasion of privacy and was a very personal moment." Magnum saids as he makes to look at everyone. "Even I shouldn't have been there."

"Personal? They're both breathing anxiety." Top Joy says in concern. "It's really bothering..."

"They both radiate fear, anger, and dark energies of all kinds," Juurouta said with a deeper frown. "With a cloud of happiness around it. We made leeway but it's far from enough."

"Who cares." Windy says as half his team look at him in shock. "They're apart of this team, so they'll have to spill eventually."

"Windy!" Magnum warns. "This is dangerous ground. We don't know what's happened to them since last time we've met. We need to treed carefully."

"Can't be as bad as what happened to Gold Mask or-" Windy was cut off.

"WINDY!" Magnum's voice raised just enough to drowned Windy out. "We. Will. Treed. Carefully."

That was Magnum's final sentence as he walks away. He calls back, "Please don't wake them up. It's easier for mechs who are sad to sleep in, it's also healthier."

He makes it to the room he wanted. A call room and makes his way over to a stall. He turns on the screen and types in some numbers. He waits two minutes before two faces show up on screen.

"Nii-san." Magnum says as he looks at the two on video chat. "I need your guidance."

"Magnum, we're close to practising, we can't stay long." Silver Arrow says as he looks at Spirits who was holding a few too many bats for him to handle as he moved them around for the team. "Is it about them?"

Spirits perked up and came running, the bats making a thub as Spirits dropped the bats to come over.

Magnum almost laughed but he continued nonetheless. "They miss Frontier... They miss being able to call me brother."

They looked between each other and they seemed to have a silent conversation. They looked back. "That's up to you Magnum. If you think they can benefit from this and you are comfortable with it, go ahead. But no one-sided stuff."

There was a Leaguer in the background that slipped on the bats."Gotta go, Magnum. Practise calls." Spirits says as 'Who's the f#cking genius who did this?' was heard before the screen went black.

Magnum sighs at the short talk and walked back to the room he'd found the KK in and they weren't disturbed a bit. He let out a happy smile as he notices a show he likes was on.

He looked around and closed the door quietly as he grabs an oil can and looks at the shared couch. He gently pushed Q's feet up to make him curl up and make room for him. He gently sat down, covered himself up with a secondary blanket and reached for the remote. He turned it up so he could hear his show when B stirred.His eyes never opened but his head boded in his tired state. 

"Q... stop moving." 

Q heard his name being called from the realm of sleep and replied, "You moved asshole... I haven't..."

They both reached their arms out sleepily to smack at Magnum's thighs, thinking they hit the other.

Did they....? Oh my god they were cute.

Magnum sat back as he smiled widely. "Goodnight... Nii-chan."

"Goodnight Q..." Killer B mumbled and drifted away.

"I love you, B... G'night..." Killer Q said as he fell asleep as well.

It's 11:56 AM.

They were adorable. Magnum undid his straw and drank as he watched his show for a while...

Chaoit-Today at 2:57 AM

((is magnum being a troll?

Minion tO WHO?-Today at 2:57 AM

1:19 PM

They were all asleep on the couch, Magnum leaning against Killer B and Killer Q on his side. They had never been so soundly in oblivion.

((Nope, he's genuine!))

Chaoit-Today at 2:58 AM

((yaaaay