#i fuck up mysekf horribly

[hazzybat]

I'm an adult and I own a cat?????? This thing is something I bought?? I am in charge of making him healthy and fed and happy???

I am still a child and yet he is my ward

What the fuck?

[confessions-official]

for so many years for SO MANY FUCKING YEARS i have put up with and dealt with him having bad days. him getting into depressive slumps. learning to cope with his chronic pain. trying to enforce boundaries on mysekf becayse he can never say what makes him uncomfortable in the moment. i havent just walked on eggshells, ive walked on broken glass my wholr life. catering everything i do to upset you as little as possible and give you a happy life. but the second, the SECOND i get into my own slump he just outs his hands up!! starts acting like im a horrible person for it and hes tired of me all the time and its all my fault because i cant just leave him alone sometimes. i always come crawling back to his love and affection no matter how many times mu oen head screams at me that this isnt worth it. its not like i have a choice. i couldve gotten a job forever ago. just, like an idiot, i decided to wait until you got one and now youre finally abiut ti get one and now im doing bad and i have no support. none. you cry and throw up and have a mental breakdown for daring to ask me for support and itll judt be madr so so so much worse if i tell you i cwnt handkr it because then you feel GUILTY iver mr and i knowni shouldnt care but if i dont care im gonna get told off for not rrspecting his feelings i dont know what to do snymore infeel like all ivr done has never been enough despite him calling me his angel and saying i do so much all the time. it feels like im only loved if i can perform. i feel like his wife in every worst possible way. ive been high constantly around him. i feel like thats part of the issue but he'll feel bad if i dont wanna smoke. i miss my family. they were so much worse but at least i was only communicating with him over text and i coukd still lie to myself and act like we were destined to be tigether and not just two horribly screwed up and destructive people that happenrd to find each other. you worry that the reason you dont have any friends is all your fsult, well yeah, it is!!! same as it is mine!!!!! you never put you4self ou5 there i have to PUT YO7 OU5 THERE IM SO TIRED OF BEING YOUR F7CKING MOTHER AND THEN HAVING YOUUUUUU ACT LIKE HER WHEN I DONT PERFORM UP TO SNUFF. IM FUCKING SORRY!!!! IM SORRY, OKAY!!!!!!! IM WHOLE IDENTITY IS BUUKT ARIUND DOING THINGS FOR YOU FOR OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANT ANYMOTR. AND ITS MY IWN FSULT. I DONT HAVE ANYONE ELSE AND ITS MY OEN FSULT I WISH I COULD TELL HIM NO

 

[albedostartarus]

Ok no this is gonna sound cheesy as hell but. Im unattractive by every conventional way and it bothered me a bit when I was little right which is. Fine. I remember actively putting on more powder on my face when going to school hoping it’d cover up some of the spots and shit(it didn’t I just looked fucking stupid).

In 11-12 grade which was during the pandemic I got a BIT more confident bc of the hair, the long hair helped. But I HATED how I was fat as fuck with the double chin and the horrible skin (which is a consequence of my own actions)

Cut to college and just. Man, I’d worked out a decent bit before college so I’d lost a bit of weight but I wasn’t quite there yet. That combined w my sudden change in schedule, the overwhelming amount of sudden unhealthy food l gained back the weight, I got dark circles, my schedules were all over the place (are) (worse)

It didn’t help that my friends here are like. Z. Mk. They’re like. The Standard. Plus parsons kids IN GENERAL dress rlly well and are well kept. So Yknow. Everytime I go out or am on campus I get that way too familiar feeling of being stared at like everyone’s looking and laughing behind my back I know it sounds cringe asf but man it it’s not fun. And like. On top of that,

I’m just. Not Capable of socialising. I can’t talk to people I can’t make friends like that— I sometimes wish we had a mini pandemic again because the pandemic helped me SO MUCH with finding friends I made more friends in like 6 months of pandemic than I did E V E R and now that they knew I was fun I could hang out w them and they’d not mind the bad social skills much bc they knew me from online.

I wake up and I look in the mirror and like. The reflection PHYSICALLY disgusts me I don’t WANT to look at myself— I actively avoided taking pictures during the niagara trip because I just. I hate pictures of myself— I DELETED my dating profiles because I can’t stand my pictures being out there. It’s SO BAD why do I look like that it’s kit even just skin or whatever it’s just. It’s everything, head, chin, eyes, nose I look like a fucking. I look so bad if I look at myself too long I just, I just get angry and sad.

Dylan was showing me footage of mysekf on camera from when he filmed me for his assignment and I genuinely got a little nauseous 😭 (although this might’ve been because i hadn’t eaten food like. At all)

If I eat the Normal amount of food I feel bad bc I think it’s too much and I feel horrible and fat as fuck and actively avoid having too many calories

I wish.

I wish I didn’t look like this

I might find the whole REDACTED aspect interesting not just because It makes BAGS of money but also because. Man the. The validation sounds like it would be nice to have, strangers on the internet aren’t obligated to be nice to me like friends and family, is there an opinion more honest than that? Funnily enough I’ll probably suck at that too considering how bad I look

Makeup is my last resort if it doesn’t work I’ll just come to terms with being ugly and stupid and try and be good at something else

[heroindiaries]

i dnt knoww why i do thingss to myself to hurt myself i jusy feel like my brains so fcked up i need drugs all the time ti calm my constant panic i like cutting mysekf im hvingg sex witj a guy evn thio im a lesbian anf dnt evn like it i constant just wana die i feel likw i deserve things but dont at thr same time i feel likw worthless but feel likw i deserve respect but i feel bad when i get it My minds jusy fucked its horrible

[mycomori]

i never tried to kill myslef because i’ve never been in severe enough of a situation to warner it

i am broke and fucked io in my own way but i’ve never been through enough to attempt, to really take action on the sick horribke scary things my mind tells me to do, the things it begs me to do, because god i don’t wanna live like this anymore. because god if there is any and i don’t there really is, ive know that for a long time, i jjst wnat to be okay. i just want to live. but living is suffering. for me and so many others. they suffer worse than me. i wish i could help their suffering, but i can’t even help myself. instead i get drunks dn i smoke mysekf into oblivion and mourn the loss of my childhood, of my life, i mourn the loss of my friends lives and happiness, and it breaks me. because i know it’s not just me, it’s not jjst my friends and family, everyone i know is suffering some way, andrò think it only ever gets worse for strangers, it kills me. and makes me wnat to die. but im too weak to ever do it. i never attempted. all those times, all those years, being reckless in various ways, preying to a god i don’t fully believe in that il get hit by a car when i walk across the street without looking, or when i wander down the center of the road drunk in the middle of the night, my only defense a gauge attention to the lights approaching me. during the daytime when i wake up in the morning i wish i hadn’t lived. i wished they had hit me, killed me instantly, take me from this life. as horrible as it is i understands so deeply all those women i learned of in school that broke emotionally and killed their children in an attempt to protect them fromhow horribke the world is. im so tired. but i can’t be likethis and live a life i wnat. i cannot di it. as much as i wnat to live, i wnat to work and go to school and rent and sperimentale and have a child, ill never be able to o do those things. i work let myself. because as much as i wnat those things all of that terrifies me. icbatbring orhers into my mess. i can’t be worse than i alresdy am. all i wnat to do is help. all i do y nature is hurt. maybe i’m wrong, i know people tell me opposite, that i’m too passive and soft, i let people trsmoke me, i let people use me, i let people hurt me, but i the end i would rather be those things that bring more pain to me, than to turn into what i fear most. i can never turn into my father. and it’s shed rot him that because a large part of me still and always will love and respect and use stand him probably better than anyone. because we are the same. but it’s that similarity that haunts my in my blood and bones. knowing he’s a good person, knowing maybe deep down i am always a good person, well meaning, but i’ve lessened the hard way that has nothing to do with it. meaning well, trying to help, it can come form good places and still end up being harmful. what am i ever gonna do rieti this knowledge, if i can’t handle this how could i ever ever ever handle the minor ass shit that traumatized me. i deserved worse. i deserved worse. as terrifying as it is to me i wish zi could take the pain of others. i wish my suffering could give relieve to someone else, that’s a strange monster i’ve had since mid high schools i accept a long time ago.

[zimraaa]

i want to fucking cry im tearing up i hate myself so much. ive always been shy but just idk lately i feel so alone i never hsng out with anyone anymore, i cut off a toxic friendship from my childhood and i only have one childhood friend left and yes i see her sometimes abd i love her more than anything but shes older and busy and has friends and im a loser and i never see anyone anymore and i hate being me. i wjsh my social skills were better, wish i could actually talk to peoplr and make lasting friendships. i literally am like one of the pnly god damn people at my school that talks to like nobody. i literally never make the effort to talk to people at mt school cuz im so awkward and im afraid to, and i wish i wasnt cuz i couldve made much more friends, or at least strengthened the friendships i do have. i feel like im losing touch with everyone; my closest friends have other friends and they never ask me to hang out anymoe cuz theyre always busy and i feel likr fcking garbbage. no one cares enough about me to ask me to hang out, but then again i also never ask people to hang out either. it sucks cuz im never motivated for anything, i just wanna nap all day or be alone but then i get depressed that i havd no friends and i just cant fucking win. i dont know what to do with myself im jn an art block i cant make any art i have no motivation to do anything, i never see anyone and no one ever wants to hang oht with me and im uninteresting and bad at keeping conversations. i wish i had more close friends i wish i had a car fuck i wish i wasnt me. today i got hit on at work and it was just a horrible experience i hate being hit on and it kind of sucks because the guys were being nice but i just wanted to run away and i think that says a lot about me. like i just dont even try to talk to people i always just run away i hate mysekf so much i dont wanna be this way im so depressed im crying fck fuckfuck

[butnobodycame627]

ugh everything hurts

why is life horrible?

I just want sleep =(

[h-uman-z]

hi im caden and i love suffering ((dont read))

[theghostofthegirlyouknew-blog]

AAHGAHAHAHAH OH MY GOD, I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST HER! BUT IN THE GROUP CHAT SHE WENT "I cut my hair short to my jaw" AND HE LIKES SHORT HAIRED GALS AND THEN HE SAID "I wanna see" I EXITED OUT SO FAST. I LOGGED OUT EVERYTHING IM ABOUT TO BREAKDOWN! I WANNA SEE IF SHE SHOWED HIM! I BET SHE FUCKING DID TBAR WHORE, NOW SHES GONNA STEAL MY MAN!!!!! HES GONNA FALLIN LOVE WITH HER! I LEFT THE CONVO! I LOST HIM TO MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND IM GONNA RIP THEIR EYEBALLS OUT! IM GONNA EAT HOS HEART! IM GONNA KILL HIM! IM GONNA KILL HER. IM GONNA CUT MY SKIN OFF AND SEND IT AS A HAPPY DATING YOU TWO GIFT! HAHA NO ONE TEXTED ME YET TO SEE IF I WAS OKAY. HE DOESNT LOVE ME! I'm gonna CUT DP DEEP IMMA TRY TO DRIWN MYSEKF! I CANT BELIEVE THIS!!!!! I CANT, IVE NEVER BEEN IN SO MUCH PAIN! I BET HES LIKE "lol whatever you look so good <3" THE THOUGHT MAKES ME WANNA THROW UP IM ABOUT TO BASH MU HEAD IN, IM WISHING ON A STAR THAT HE DIES HORRIBLY AND SO DOES SHE. This is the end of me. This is the fucking END.

[mycomori]

i just see no fuckingreasons to keep living this life. like my life has been shit and shut and shit and i’m so tired because i can’t even find peace anywhere else because my own head hates me. like other people the whole world i literally just look around me and i can’t find any reason to live because i don’t have anything g but also the world as a whole is fucked no one has anything those that do hoard it like. it’s hopeless. that’s how it fucking feels for someone like me. i’m useless in this world and i really just don’t want to do this anymore. god i really don’t im so tired i wish i could just fuckig off myself already but i can’t i cabt i desperately wnat to die but i can’t bring myself to try i just can’t and i know that’s good but i also can’t even tell anyone about that without fear of being forced into residential out of state against my will like i can’t just trust people i wasn’t guilt for this i cabt do this anymore i’m so tired i don’t want to do this i don’t want to do it anymore i don’t i really don’t i can’t do this i just can’t like if i could have figured out a way to die by now i would have but i just can’t i know the only thing i would ever try wouldn’t work overdoses never do and i wouldn’t donit another way i just wouldn’t i know i wouldn’t despite horrible intrusive thoughts i wouldn’t but like. it never works to overdose i would just end up getting sick or possibly fucking mysekf uo even more for the rest of my life like. i keep fuckjng hoping i’ll die. it’s horrible but i’m getting less and less anxious at the intrusive thoughts of dying. when i walk across the road i really just fuckig want the cars to hit me. but i’m afraid of that too. all of it. i’m afraid of everything. nothing ever works. and i just don’t want to do this anymore i wish i never existed din the first place i jsut want to erase myself entirely i don’t want to be here anymore i don’t