#i found how to stay with you while listening to a different troye sivan song

[hubertwus]

what was i listening to this week?

february 9th - february 15th 2025

cemetery - coin

back in my body - maggie rogers

how to stay with you - troye sivan

my better self - tennis

here comes the rain again - eurythmics

happy not knowing - carly rae jepsen

life itself - glass animals

admit defeat - bastille

[ghost-in-the-stalls]

Neil Josten's Playlist Part 1: Andrew

Masterpost and link to the playlist in its entirety

These songs are going to be the biggest chunk of the playlist. Are we surprised?

Okay here we go:

1. Take Me To Church - Hozier

I was not joking about Neil being a Hozier fan. You cannot tell me this boy doesn’t hear this song on the radio and immediately think of Andrew. Every time it came on he’d make sure the radio stayed on the station so he could listen all the way through. It got overplayed but he’s probably the only person in the world who never got sick of it at the time. He got used to listening to the same songs over and over again with his mom, so he's even comforted by repeating songs now.

5. Stay - Rihanna & Mikky Ekko

So one night, after several nightmares within the span of a few hours, Neil wasn’t too proud to admit that he absolutely wasn’t going to get any decent sleep that night. Andrew took him on a long drive without even having to be asked. The silence was shoving Neil even further into his thoughts, so Andrew turned on the radio. He settled on a station that was playing softer music that Neil probably wouldn’t hate, and he just kept driving. Once this song came on, Neil became enamored with it. It’s another one of those songs that makes him think of Andrew, but it’s more because he listens to the lyrics and realizes Andrew has said half of these things to him. It’s now a song that, even years later when he and Andrew are living in separate states and desperately trying to land contracts with the same team, Neil listens to on bad nights.

6. River - Bishop Briggs

Listen... this is just another really solid Andreil song.......... and I’m absolutely positive this is a song that Neil would like. Let me have this.

For Neil everything with Andrew is simultaneously loud and quiet and intense and gentle and hard and soft. He’s never known someone to make him feel so much yet calm him down from panic to nothing so smoothly. Even their intimacy holds so much complexity and weight to it. This is a song I feel like Andrew introduced him to, because it absolutely makes him think of Neil too (not that he'd say that out loud).

8. Dreams - The Cranberries

Renee likes the Cranberries and she got Andrew into them too. Andrew pretends this song doesn’t make him think about Neil but no one is actually fooled by that when they catch him listening to it. Least of all Neil because he feels the same thing listening to the lyrics. Not much explanation past that. Neil vibes with this song right from the opening lyrics (”Oh, my life is changing every day in every possible way”), to the comparison of a lover to a dream (he still remembers when Andrew called him a pipedream, even if he didn’t understand at the time), to the vocal breaks in the middle and at the end where it just sounds like someone singing their soul right out of their body.

Neil is a private person and not someone to ever scream his love from rooftops. But that doesn’t mean the concept doesn’t hit him deep. He’s been through a lot and he’s come out the other end with a love of his own that’s deeper and more than anything he ever imagined. His lack of expressing passion about most things (Andrew) doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel incredibly passionate about certain things in a way that cuts deep. He found love and it’s incredible

12. Easily - Bruno Major

I've mentioned this previously, but I hc that Andrew and Neil almost broke up in Neil’s last year at Palmetto. Not going to get into it, but this song had a big part in pulling Neil through that whole year, ESPECIALLY the situation with Andrew. Maybe I’ll make a separate, more detailed post about that sometime. But basically I hc that neither of them were in good spots emotionally. And Andrew was very close to giving up on everything - including Neil.

They managed to pull through and stop one another from giving up on it all, even when things got really hard.

15. Sunlight - Hozier

No I’m not done with the Hozier songs. Did I say I was done with the Hozier songs? Not gonna happen.

Anyway so the story of this song is he was talking with Allison and Nicky once about music and their SOs (well he was listening more than talking but he wasn’t ignoring them), and Nicky outright asked him if there was a song that made him think of Andrew. He’d heard this one for the first time recently and it was just the most recent of many songs that make him think of Andrew, so he threw it out there to humor them. They hadn’t heard it but were very doubtful that any song titled “Sunlight” could have anything to do with Andrew at all, so he showed it to them. They didn’t really change their minds and instead Allison went on another tirade about how Neil is gone for Andrew in a way that Andrew couldn’t possibly be for him and how she was worried for him. Nicky stood up for his cousin a bit, but ultimately was still agreeing with Allison to a degree that Neil may be expecting more than what Andrew could give him blah, blah, blah.

Neil wasn’t happy. Instead he found himself latching onto this song even further and becoming even more assured that it was a song for Andrew. Just because the others refused to understand who Andrew really is and the ways he’s learning to grow and heal and the fact that he’s someone worth loving god dammit, doesn’t mean Andrew is the monster they make him out to be.

For a while afterwards, he’ll put this song on if he’s ever given the aux cord. Because he’s petty. If Andrew catches on to what he’s trying to do, he never says anything.

19. Little Talks - Of Monsters and Men

This is definitely a song that makes Neil think of Andrew, though he'd never tell him that. They have both played both parts in this song, and it makes Neil's heart ache to think of all the bad nights that they weren't there for one another - whether it was distance or stubbornness or just general shitty circumstance. They both can get so trapped in their own heads in different (and sometimes similar) ways, and they're relationship has really been built in a lot of ways on the depth of emotional support they've learned to give one another in rough times. That steadiness, that presence that stays by you and keeps you grounded even when you want to crawl out of your own skin and hide somewhere far away. That is what they give one another.

24. Day After Day - Badfinger

This is another one he used to listen to with his mother, but he didn't really latch onto it until his final year at Palmetto when he and Andrew were doing long-distance. He learned in that year just how sentimental he had become in some ways. He finds it in the bone-deep longing he gets on late nights when he just wishes he could lie in bed next to Andrew - because he knew that's when he sleeps best. He'd listen to this song and let himself wallow for a little while, and then eventually put it away and carry on because he didn't have the time to slow down and feel things too hard.

Things are much better now and he doesn't feel as bad when he listens to the song. It's just a pleasant sound he leans into sometimes.

26. Don't Dream It's Over - Crowded House

This is another one that he first heard from his mother, but kept for himself without allowing it to be stained with her memory. It is one of those ones he listened to a great deal during his last year when things with Andrew got hard. He committed himself to not letting him go or breaking off what they had unless Andrew ever directly asked him to. He couldn't find it in himself to ever do that.

This song reminds him of that commitment and helps him stay strong with it, for better or worse. Everyone was convinced from the beginning that either Neil was bad for Andrew (Aaron) or Andrew was bad for Neil (everyone else except Renee and Nicky basically). This reminds him that he knows Andrew better. He knows HIMSELF better. He knows they aren't perfect, but he refuses to let himself fall into their blocked mentality where they choose to be blind to the reality of Andrew's character (or his own for that matter). He knows they are good together. He knows they help one another, they don't hold each other back. And he refuses to give up on them unless Andrew asks him to.

28. How Deep Is Your Love - The Bird and The Bee

This is another final-year-at-Palmetto one. He stumbles across this song while listening to one of Robin's playlists while he was driving her to practice. Listen to the lyrics and hear just how Andreil this song is. It fits so well, and Neil has to pull over and collect himself for a moment when he first hears it. It had been an especially rough week and he'd been struggling trying to balance giving Andrew space and support with communicating his own needs. This gives him the push he needs. He calls him later that night to talk and their time apart starts getting a bit more bearable for it.

29. TALK ME DOWN - Troye Sivan

This was Andrew's song that made him think of Neil. In every way. He found it while they were doing long distance. Neil first heard it on a midnight drive they took while he was visiting Andrew. They didn't say anything, but they didn't need to. Neil eventually asked him why he listens to this one when his taste is usually much louder stuff. He was expecting a stoically-delivered joke denying any potential relation to Neil or a comment about how Nicky got it stuck in his head or something while they were video chatting one weekend. Instead, Andrew just responded "You know why."

Neil stored the song away to listen to later on when they were once again sleeping in separate beds in separate states, knowing Andrew was probably listening to it as well.

38. Talking Bird - Death Cab for Cutie

Neil doesn't know why this song makes him emotional (yes he does). He doesn't know what it is about it that feels like it cuts so deep (it's because Andrew sent it to him). He doesn't get why Andrew showed it to him (it's because Andrew asked him to stay, but would never force him to if he ever did decide to run). He just listens and feels comforted.

44. I'm so Tired - Lauv & Troye Sivan

This is another one Neil found when he and Andrew were doing long distance. It was a bit of a rocky time for them and there were several of those make-or-break moments. You know, the kind any relationship has where you either pull through it together and are stronger for it, or end things where they are and go your separate ways. I imagine - during a particularly rough patch - Neil heard this song from one of his underclassmen roommates. He was thinking about Andrew (when is he not) and part of him wondered if Andrew was better off finding guys in bars to take home and have no connection to. It was a spiteful moment of self-pity that he let himself indulge in before coming to his senses and giving Andrew a call to smooth things over a bit.

He still listens back to the song sometimes. It has a nice, soft, smooth feeling to it. Now when he listens to it, he finds himself focusing more on the singer asking their lover to take them home so they can move forward because they're too tired to fight. He remembers how, when he and Andrew have reached that point, they've continuously chosen to fall back to one another instead of pulling away. It's a very comforting thought for him.

45. NFWMB - Hozier

I don't even know if I have to explain this one.

There are a lot of things that Andrew and Neil see in one another, but I think one major thing is how strong they both are in their own ways. Neither of them are someone you want to fuck with. This song is perfect for that.

And, once again I will say, Neil is a Hozier fan and I'll die on this hill.

50. It Will Come Back - Hozier

Another Hozier song look at that

Anyway this is song encapsulates exactly how Andrew feels about Neil repeatedly choosing Andrew (at least, how he feels about it in the beginning of their relationship). And Neil isn't blind to this at all. What he also isn't blind to (but that he knows Andrew forgets sometimes) is how Neil is also the stray Andrew showed too much kindness. Andrew is as stuck with Neil as Neil is making himself stuck with Andrew.

51. Love Lies - Khalid & Normani

If asked why he likes this song, he'd say it's because Matt showed it to him and it reminds him of Matt and Dan's inspiring relationship. There are very few people he'd admit the truth to.

Something about the song feels too typical and approachable to admit applying to him and Andrew. They don't have a "normal" relationship and there are a lot of norms they don't stick to. Neither of them are ashamed of that in any capacity (as they absolutely shouldn't be), and ultimately it just feels very strange to them both to consider what's between them as being on the same level of what other's have. Not necessarily in a better-worse context, more just an acknowledgment of stark differences.

But I think Neil also experiences a certain level of comfort when he catches himself relating to other "normal" people. So when he finds himself thinking of Andrew when he hears this song, he's not going to ignore that or let it go. He may, however, keep it to himself for a while. It just feels nice to do that.

72. 99 Luftballons - Nena

As a general rule, Neil doesn't like loud music. This one is an exception (though "loud" may be a bit of a stretch here) because he once got to hear Andrew singing along to it in the car late at night.

Andrew does that sometimes, sings along to songs when it's just him and Neil. It's never with a great deal of gusto or volume, more so just a soft mumble on a late night drive to ground them both. This song came on on a particularly rough night, but by the end of it Andrew was singing along louder than he ever did. Still not saying much, but it was a noticeable change to Neil.

Neil knows he was allowed to see something special that night - Andrew allowing himself to let out something he was feeling. Neil got to see Andrew in what amounts to a moment of vulnerability for him. It means the world to him.

74. Gooey - Glass Animals

This song makes Neil feel the way Andrew makes him feel. There's no other way to describe it. When it's just the two of them and they have moments of quiet intimacy, there's a specific feeling Neil starts getting - float-y but secure. Like he'd drift away if it weren't for an invisible string Andrew was holding.

If Andrew caught Neil humming this song one night as he fell asleep, unaware, he kept quiet about it.

75. Turn - The Wombats

This song Neil keeps because it's one Andrew specifically sent him. He didn't give an explanation, just "for your playlist, rabbit".

[mageicalwishes]

Day 1, Found Family - New Traditions

The Gang start a new Festive tradition filled with love, laughter, music, food & fun.

Day 2, Distance - Say I Love You When You’re Not Listening

Baz reflects on the events of Wayward Son, and the hopelessness he feels. "A trip to try and save him - To save us. A last ditch effort to put some of the sunshine back in to his soul. Rammed together in economy, the press of his knee firm against mine, but his mind miles away. His eyes ever averted. Touching yet so far apart. I just wish I knew where I went wrong."

Day 3, Retellings - Changing History

The Mage's publicized documents reveal a myriad of painful truths about the loss of Natasha Grimm-Pitch and the origins of Simon Snow.

Day 4, Side Characters - Thawing Of A Heart

Malcolm & Daphne. “I’d always known that I would remarry eventually. It was my duty for the good of the family. Basil needed a mother. And I needed … someone. It was a simple, logical decision - To find a woman of good breeding, and give her the Grimm name. To carry on. But, through all my planning and preparation, I had never anticipated that I would fall in love. Never anticipated her."

Day 5, Sleepless - Tonight He Is Mine

"I can’t sleep. I can never sleep these days, not how I want to anyway - It's always either that I’m knocked out for 15 hours, waking up disoriented and heavy, or that I can barely catch a moment's rest. But today is different. My body is tired, and my mind is too. If I let myself, I’d be gone. But I won’t. I can’t. Tonight is my last night with Baz, and I don’t want to miss a minute of it."

Day 6, WLW - To Her, I Taste Of Nothing At All

Fiona & Ebb. "But then, before I even knew what was happening, she was kissing me back. And Crowley, I swear I melted. She tasted of cigarette smoke and spiced rum - Like fire personified."

Day 7, Animal(s) - Family Dog

My interpretation of ‘I was a 15-year-old closet case whose parents pretended they didn’t notice when the family dog disappeared’. “A shallow grave. So much less than she deserves. But … I can’t breathe. I can’t even think. I’m running on autopilot and adrenaline alone. Everything is just - I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how I got here. I'm losing control. I can't - I can't even look at her. She's still wrapped in my sheets. I can see her bleeding. I still want it. I still want more."

Day 8, Rain - From Across The Courtyard

"When I first met him, it was hammering it down. I was rushing to the main door in a desperate attempt to rescue my suede shoes, umbrella snagging against the wind, when I heard it - An impolite 'Oi! Are you new?'"

Day 9, Kids/Childhood - At The Top Of A Tower

Simon reflects on the few happy memories he made with Baz at Watford.

Day 10, Crossover - I’ll Give You The Stars

A loose crossover between Carry On and parts of I'll Give You The Sun. “He’s haloed under the streetlights, and I’m trying not to stare. But, it’s hard. His face is celestial - The sunshine of his soul peeking through his features. I want to say more, just so that he doesn’t leave. Our houses are right there but, I feel so ... multicoloured."

Day 11, Fluff - Keeping Warm

Simon & Baz spend a tentative first night together after the events of the forest fire. “He’s sighing against me, and sliding a hand up towards to my neck to hold me closer against him, and - Fuck. He’s freezing. I jolt backwards without meaning to. Staring down at him in awe - His pupils blown wide, and a faint (But definitely present) blush spread across his cheeks."

Day 12, Wings - The Guests Can Wait

"Weddings are even more exhausting than I had imagined. What with the panicked last minute search for Simon’s vows (Which ended up being in the mini-fridge of all places), and having to parade ourselves around all of our well-wishing friends and family. All I want to do was get him alone. To tell him, without the presence of a hundred witnesses, how much he means to me - How much the fact that we’re here, together, after everything, means to me."

Day 13, Below the Surface - Below The Surface

"Las Vegas is a sham of a city. Outside it’s all bright lights and glitzy shows - Normal magicians and celebrity chefs. But, beneath its shiny exterior, it’s nothing more than a grim desert, filled with counterfeit culture, and people burning through money they don’t really have. The Katherine is no exception."

Day 14, Constellation(s) - Mirror, Mirror

Simon struggles with his body image Post-Carry On. “Sometimes I just … get so mad at them (At myself, really). I wish that they’d just grow up and tell me like it is. Tell me how much I’ve disappointed them. Tell me that they no longer want me."

Day 15, Hurt/Comfort - First Aid

Simon cares for Baz's Buckshot wounds. Less angsty re-write of the scene in Wayward Son. “I glare at him - At his blackened under eyes, and matted hair. The slight hunch of his back. It does hurt. I know it does. Liar. I move my face closer to his, and breathe in his air. I want to hug him. To kiss him. To cheer him up, somehow. Make him better. But I can’t. I don’t know how. So, instead I step away. My hands dropping limply, to my sides."

Day 16, Meme/Crack - Baby, You Can Pick Me Up Any Day

Oovoo Javer? Oovoo Javer. AKA: Baz is Simon's slightly dickhead-ish Uber driver. “I kept trying to talk to him - Asking about his night, and whether he always listens to Classical music, or if it was just for show - but he ignored me. Staring unamusedly at me in the mirror, eyebrow raised and lips tilted downwards. He got 2 stars for that trip."

Day 17, Blanket Fort - Torch The Night-Filled Fort

Baz surprises Simon with a living room blanket fort transformation. “I turn to him, beaming. ‘Baz, what? What is this?’ He hums against me. ‘Blanket fort. You’re terribly inobservant, Snow.’ ‘Yeah, but … I mean, why?’ ‘Well, it’s been a year now since we left for America, and we’ve come a long way since then. Thought it was worth celebrating,’ he confesses, smiling shyly down at the floor.”

Day 18, Side Ships - You Got A Boyfriend?

Shepard & Penny. Shepard asks Penny a very important question (Well, in his mind, anyway).

Day 19, Misunderstanding - Wrong Bottle, Moron

Simon makes a VERY stupid mistake while showering. Cue, Baz coming to his rescue.

Day 20, Technology - Screenless

Baz and Simon have been chatting online for a year. It's finally time to meet IRL and take their relationship into HD reality.

Day 21, Warmth - Out In The Cold

Fangirl era. Simon and Baz get stuck in a snowstorm, and have to find a way to stay warm.

Day 22, Unlikely Friends - You’re My Bro

Shepard comes over to hang out with his bro ... Baz?

Day 23, Cooking/Baking - What’s Cookin’ Good Lookin’?

Simon is making dinner. Baz is soft.

Day 24, Song - He Made It Easy, Darlin’

Simon & Baz struggle with trying to take the next step in their relationship. Inspired by Easy by Troye Sivan

Day 25, Parallel Universe - Parallelt Univers

Simon and Baz spend the day recovering in bed, after their first kiss. Inspired by the 'Parallel Universes' talk from Skam.

Day 26, Break - I Think We Should Break Up

Simon is trying to do what's right for Baz. Baz disagrees.

Day 27, Snowstorm - Searching In The Snow

Simon has lost his cat. So the only obvious choice is to hammer on his neighbour's door at 2AM ... And Baz is not impressed.

Day 28, Party - Festivities, Food, and Family. Chapter 1

"I’m over the bloody moon. After everything that happened after we left Watford, I wasn’t sure that I’d ever get to see this Snow - a truly joyful Snow - again. And it broke my heart. Yet, here we are, spending our fifth anniversary together, surrounded by friends and family in our own little London flat."

Day 29, Secret Santa/Gift Giving - Festivities, Food, and Family. Chapter 2

Day 30, Any Way the Wind Blows - Worst Road Trip ... Ever!

Shepard is NOT enjoying his trip back to England with the Gang. "I feel like a kid again, sat in the back of my mothers pick-up, hyped up on sugar, but belted down to the seat. Unable to run. Constantly being shushed."

Also huge thanks and praise goes to everyone involved in running the @carryon-countdown Countdown this year!!! I really enjoyed taking part :)

[thesmalltowngal]

Snowbaz #19- I’m Always Sure Of You

Otp Prompt #19: Simon insists that he’s okay with Baz’s homosexuality. So okay, in fact, that he demands that they go on a double date (Baz with Niall and Simon with Agatha). Of course, Simon is angry when Agatha seems to express interest in Niall… so he decides to flirt with Baz to make her jealous.

I know I haven’t posted in forever- I’ve just been so stressed and tired lately. This one is just five pages of fluffy filler sentences, but I don’t think it’s half bad.

“Baz, it’s fine,” I insist as he rolls his eyes. “I’m fine. I swear- here how’s this?” I take a step closer to him while setting up my proposition. “How about we go on a double date so I can show you how okay with it I am. I’m so okay with it.” I never thought Baz was gay. I mean, it would explain why he never had a girlfriend (but not how he never had a boyfriend- I would suspect that a fit bloke like him would attract every non-straight guy at Watford), but I just… I suppose I never thought about it before. But trying not to think about it after I found a pride flag in his notebook (he was showering and plotting- I was snooping) was bloody hard. 

He raises an eyebrow at me now (he knows I fucking hate it when he does that) before replying. “Snow, you don’t have to-”

I cut him off in a rush. “I know! I know I don’t have to but I want to. Agatha and I, and you and some bloke.” He thinks for a moment. (I didn’t think he’d actually consider it).

“I’d have to find a date.” He sneers at me. (But a soft sneer, if that makes sense). 

“Crowley, I’m sure it won’t be hard for you to find one…” I mutter, mostly to myself. He sighs defeatedly, and I know I’ve won. (Probably because he knows I’d never let up).

…

Agatha isn’t happy when I tell her the news. “Baz is what?!” She whispers furiously in the hall I pulled her off to. 

“Gay, Agatha. But that’s not the point. The point is that we’re going on a double date with him and a bloke this Saturday. Okay?” Her entire face falls, and I can almost hear the words that are probably pinging around in her head. ‘If Baz is gay, I don’t have a chance,’ or ‘Maybe I can convert him.’ But that’s not how it works. Because 1. She has a boyfriend, 2. Baz is our enemy, and 3. You can’t just convert someone. That’s not how it works, even if Agatha is the most beautiful girl at Watford. (If converting was possible, I’m sure Baz’d probably convert about half of the Watford boys). 

She thinks for a moment before saying, “I thought you hated Baz…” “I do,” The response is almost like an immediate reaction. Like I don’t even think about the answer before responding. It’s like the way it’s supposed to be- always has been. It’s a sure thing; like night and day. You can always count on the sun to come back up, and the moon to come out later, just as you can count on me hating Baz. “I do, but I just want to show him that I support him.”

“Why?” She crinkles her nose and furrows her brow. Why do I want to support Baz? I suppose I don’t really bloody know. 

“Well because I… well I- I don’t really know, Aggie. It just feels like the thing to do.” As she nods her head, I smile and squeeze her hand before walking away, mentally preparing myself to see Baz in class when I feel as though I know some sort of big secret that is meant only for my ears. (Even though technically he never formally told me- I had to find out by snooping).

…

Baz looks weirdly handsome in a green suit. Granted, he looks bloody handsome in anything (the tosser), but this green suit looks especially good on him. It fits him just right, snug in the correct places without showing off too much (although I suppose he does have plenty to show off, I’m sure). His hair (usually slicked back) is falling in waves around his face, framing his sharp jawline and cheekbones. (It makes his eyes look bluer; his hair, that is). He made reservations at an Italian restaurant off campus (we got special permission from The Mage to go), so everyone is dressed up kind of fancy. I felt like a blundering git when I had to ask Baz to borrow a suit. He had a grey one that fit me just fine. 

Getting ready together is kind of weird- especially since we’re going out together in a little bit. Well not together together. Just… to the same place. Usually when we get ready in the morning, we go to the same place but we leave at different times. Now, we’re wordlessly moving around each other, getting ready separately to go to the same place at the same time. Every now and then I’ll look over at Baz and he’ll say ‘Stop staring, Snow,’ so I’ll look away and blush. (I can’t help but blush. Not because I’m embarrassed or anything, but because it’s my body’s knee jerk reaction). 

I decide to break the awkward silence as we’re finishing getting ready and putting our shoes on. “So… who are you going with?” He looks at me curiously but then just sneers. 

“Niall,” He says it simply, but when seeing my eyes pop out of my head, he clarifies. “We’re not together, you bloody halfwit. Although he’s bi, he’s not my type.” He lets out a short laugh and I can’t help but wonder who actually is his type. Probably someone posh and rich and perfectly controlled. 

“So then why not go with someone you like?” I inquire. He looks at me for a moment, thinking. (Maybe plotting). 

“I am a collectible that very few can acquire, Snow,” He scoffs and stands, looking at me expectantly. “Ready?” I nod and get up to open the door for him. He simply rolls his eyes and says (voice heavy with sarcasm), “How chivalrous.” I just roll my eyes and close the door behind us. 

…

Agatha is still not in a good mood. She wasn’t in a good mood on the way to the restaurant (although she smiled when I told her how pretty she looked), and she’s not in a good mood now, sitting at our table and waiting to order. (Sidenote: I don’t like Baz and Niall together. Niall makes Baz laugh, and when Baz took his hand, Niall blushed and smiled. They probably plot my demise with each other). There’s a certain tension in the air, which I suppose is to be expected when you’re having dinner with your enemy. 

“So, um, Agatha. How’s your… family?” Niall asks politely. She smiles at him a little and lets my hand go from under the table, starting to talk animatedly with him. Baz and I stay silent as they laugh together, but I catch Baz smiling at Niall ever so slightly as he talks. My heart twists in my chest (I can’t believe Agatha is flirting with Baz’s date- I suppose now that she knows Baz is gay, she needs to find some other bloke to flirt with) (Part of me is relieved). She is so obviously flirting with him that it’s just painful to watch. 

When we finally get to ordering, Agatha is still smiling brightly with Niall, and when the server leaves, they go right back to talking. If she wants to flirt with someone’s date while she’s here with me… I suppose two can play that game. I turn my full attention to Baz and prepare myself for snarky remarks and sneers. “So Baz. What’s your… favorite violin song to play?” He looks at me like he thinks I’m joking, so I give him a look to tell him that I’m serious.

He (hesitantly) says, “‘The Last Rose of Summer I suppose…” He smiles like he’s trying not to. He likes talking about this, but he doesn’t trust me not to make fun of him. He can trust me. 

“Which is…?” I let out a little laugh with him as he goes on.

“It’s a beautiful song that took me years to learn, and…” He continues on, a spark in his eye that shows that he’s passionate about this. It’s odd to admit it, but it’s slightly endearing to hear him talk about something he loves like we’re friends. (If this is what it would be like to be friends… maybe I wouldn’t mind so much).

When he’s done talking, he goes back to closed off, but all I want to do is get him talking again. “Crowley, what’s your favorite song to listen to on the violin?” It’s probably just my imagination, but I think I see a little pink rise to his cheeks. Just enough to make me think I see it, but not enough for me to be sure if it’s real or just my imagination.

“Er, it’s um…” He stumbles over his words more than usual, which is weird. “It’s called Bite. By Troye Sivan.” I can feel myself lean slightly back in shock. I’ve heard that song before (by a gay artist- Baz is more homosexual than I ever thought) and it’s wonderful. I couldn’t help but hum it for weeks after the first time I had heard it. It’s funny to me that that’s his favorite song to hear on the violin. 

“I love that song!” I exclaim, Agatha and Niall’s conversation barely even registering in my brain anymore. 

For a second- just a second, I see Baz’s hard exterior soften as he says, “You do?” I nod my head vigorously. It seems like he’s about to say more, but our food gets to the table, promptly cutting off all conversation and making Baz go on red alert again. For that split second that he seemed open (I can’t help but be proud of the fact that I made him feel that way), he was actually enjoyable, which is odd to admit. For a moment, I didn’t want to cut his bloody head off or light him on fire. And he even seemed like he didn’t hate me. 

The table lapses back into silence for a second as we begin eating, but Agatha quickly goes back to talking with Niall. I should be paying attention to make sure no funny business is going on, but instead I can’t take my eyes off of Baz. (And not because I think he’s plotting, this time).I just let myself admire the way his eyes crinkle sometimes when he smiles at something Niall says. The way he runs his hands through his hair like he doesn’t even know he’s doing it, and how he doesn’t eat much on his plate, but when he does, he puts his hand over his mouth, embarrassed. (I wonder if he has an eating disorder) (I actually think his fangs pop out when he eats; his cheeks always look fuller when he’s around food). 

“So Snow, did you get the History of Magicks essay done?” Baz turns his attention to me, and I feel lighter for some reason. Ha, I want to say to Niall. (For reasons I’d rather not think about at the moment). 

“I, um-”

“Because if you didn’t, like the bloody tosser you are, I suppose I could help you and your small brain,” Even though he through in insults, I’m still taken aback by his offer. He would help me with my essay? Voluntarily? Who is this bloke and what has he done with Baz? (I suppose he’s had a few glasses of wine- maybe he’s slightly buzzed) (can vampires get buzzed?)

“I suppose… yeah, that’d be…er- nice, I suppose.” I stumble over my words more than usual (which is very very much) when I’m talking to him. Maybe if he helps me with my essay, we can have more nice moments like this. (I mentally slap myself for wanting more moments like this with my ever-plotting enemy). 

He smiles a small smile at me and goes to take another bite of his spaghetti. When I look over, I see Agatha twirling her fucking hair and laughing with Niall like he’s the worlds funniest guy. Suddenly I remember what I had wanted to do before; make her jealous. I lean forward in my chair a little towards Baz and smile sweetly at him. (It’s a first; a nice first). He just quirks that infernal eyebrow at me as he continues to chew. 

“Tell me a joke, Baz.” I smile extra brightly at him. I try to add extra sweetness into my voice, which is the polar opposite of the venom usually laced in my tone when I talk to him. 

“Okay?” He says it like a question- like he’s waiting for me to explain why I’m being weird. (Maybe because I feel kind of fuzzy right now. Maybe because I feel kind of fuzzy whenever I’m around him). “Today at the bank, an old lady told me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.” He delivers it hesitantly, but still well enough for me to chuckle out loud. I try to laugh extra hard like Agatha but it comes out as kind of forced, so Baz slightly frowns and looks down. 

“That one is actually really funny!” I try to catch his eyes, and when I finally do, I hold his gaze for a few moments. I realize now that out of all the years I’ve lived with him and all of the times that I’ve fought with him, I’ve never really looked him in the eyes. I think I was always scared about what I’d find there. Anger, disgust, disdain- complete and utter repulsion. But looking into his blue-grey eyes, I only see softness. Some hesitance; sadness, maybe. If eyes are the windows to the soul, then Baz’s soul is beautiful and soft and full of love. (Can vampires have souls?) (I think they do. Baz certainly does, at least).

When I look into his eyes, it almost seems like the rest of the restaurant fades away. Just turns into black until Baz and I are the only two people left in the room- maybe even the world. But he looks away (back to Niall) and blushes (only just barely) before I get to indulge myself in ‘getting lost in his eyes’ for much longer. When I look over, I see Agatha playfully putting her hand on Niall’s arm across the table, lingering for a second longer than she should have. (If it isn’t clear, we are probably going to fight after this dinner). 

“Looks like Wellbelove seems to want to swap dates,” Baz looks back at me and smiles a bit, adding just a small sneer to it. (It doesn’t look menacing- it just kind of looks sweet). I want to tell him that that’s okay; switching dates would be perfectly fine with me. (I don’t know why I want to tell him that. Or why I feel that way). 

Instead, I say, “Yes, I suppose…” And trail off. (He hates it when I do that). He looks at me curiously as I look back to see Agatha’s hand on Niall’s arm again. I decide to do something stupid. 

Before he can say anything, I take his wrist that’s laying on the table and lace my fingers through his. He sucks a breath in between his teeth and then lets out a shuddering breath. His hand is cold and calloused in mine, but it’s an oddly soothing feeling. I know that this isn’t affecting Agatha (she’s not even looking), but I can’t bring myself to let go. (That is now on my list of things not to think about).

“What are you doing, Snow?” He curls his lip, but doesn’t let go- even as I start rubbing soothing circles into the back of his hand. 

I just shrug. I know he hates it when I shrug, and now he’s pulling his hand away with an eye roll, but I grip harder and stop him. “I don’t know… I don’t know, Basilton.” I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m flirting with my enemy and holding his hand to make my girlfriend jealous when 

She is flirting with someone else

She’s not even looking 

I am not even gay

All I really know is that I don’t want to let go of his hand. I don’t know what that means, or why that is, but I just really want to keep holding on. 

All through the rest of dinner, I don’t let his hand go. He doesn’t make a move to remove it, either. Even as we eat, and as we pay for dinner, his hand stays planted firmly in mine. I know Niall has noticed- but he just looked and smirked. I don’t know if Agatha as noticed or not yet- she’s too busy flirting with Niall and hanging all over him.

When we get up to leave the restaurant, Baz finally starts pulling away, but I just wind my fingers more around his. He cocks his head at me, but gives in, letting me continue to hold his hand. Why is he letting me do this to him? Why do I want to keep doing it? I must be drunk. (I only had one glass of wine) (maybe drunk on Baz). Agatha is huddled close to Niall because she’s cold. (I don’t care). Maybe I’m a bad boyfriend. (I don’t bloody care much about that, either).

…

The walk back to rooms was uncomfortable and awkward at best. Agatha was dropped off at The Cloisters first. Before going inside, she leaned in and gave Niall a long hug, me a quick (and emotionless) peck on the cheek, and Baz a curt nod. (Baz and I didn’t stop holding hands- does that make me a bad person?) (No, it doesn’t. I don’t like Baz. I just like the way his hand feels in mine). 

After Agatha was dropped off, the walk to Mummers is quiet and slightly awkward. Baz and I are still holding hands, and Niall walks a few feet away from us. When we drop him off at his room, he nods to both of us and slips in without a word. (I swear I saw him wink at Baz- maybe I’m just tired). Baz and I hesitate for a moment before starting to walk back to our room. (Crowley, I have to share a room with him after tonight). I’m sweating in my (Baz’s) suit as we near the door. For some reason, I just don’t want Baz to let go, but I know that once we get to our room, he’ll probably pull away and spit on me, grilling me about what the fuck was that, Snow?

But when we enter our room and I start walking to my bed, letting go of Baz’s hand, I feel a sharp tug at my hand. It pulls my entire arm back and forces me to spin around and stumble forward- right into my roommates’ arms. He spins me around (again, I suppose) so that my back is against our door and he’s holding my wrists to the door and by my sides. He’s so close that I can smell the spaghetti he just had for dinner. Looking into his eyes, I feel my heart flip in a way that it never did with Agatha. Is that possible?

“What in the fuck was with the hand holding and flirting, Snow?” I assume he’s trying to sound threatening, but he just sounds breathless. I stutter, looking for an answer. 

I… I- I don’t know.” He gazes down at me, his eyes a soft contrast to the rest of his collected exterior. 

“You never know, Simon Snow,” I gasp quietly when he says my name. He’s so close our noses are touching and I can feel every single place where his cold skin sets me on fire and I want to know the taste of his lips and-

I cut my own thoughts off when I say, “I know one thing.” “And what might that be?” 

Deep breath. “I know that I want to kiss you.” The words that come out of my mouth surprise both me and him. At first he doesn’t say or do anything- just stands there staring at me. 

“Well are you going to do something about it then, Snow?” His breath tickles my cheek.

“You called me Simon before.” He scoffs.

“I did no such-” I cut him off by pressing my lips to his. Cold. Soft. Wonderful. His eyes come up to cup my face and I grab fistfuls of his hair, tilting his head down to deepen the kiss. I could do this for hours. I feel free. Like that line from Baz’s favorite violin song: Kiss me on the mouth and set me free. Well Baz is doing exactly that. 

I may not know much; Normal math, elocution, why I don’t feel romantic love when I’m with Agatha and why she feels the need to flirt with others right in front of me. But if there is one thing that I am always sure of; one thing I always know…

It’s that I love Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch.

[purplesurveys]

642

If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? My obvious choices would be Beyoncé and Hayley Williams. But to change it up a bit, I would love to meet Meghan Markle. What's the first line of the nearest book you can reach? It’s the preface, and it says, “The MSA Simulated College Admission Test Modules are written for the potential college freshmen who need to prepare for college entrance tests given by the country’s finest universities and colleges.” Hah, it’s a college entrance test reviewer. Gabie’s sister is part of the next batch who will be taking the exams, so I’m passing on my old reviewers and modules to her which explains why this is the book nearest to me right now. What does the last text message on your phone say? “Let’s talk on fbc” If you could be any colour of crayon, what would you be? Burgundy or maroon. I like bold colors. If you could be anywhere in the universe right now, where would you be? I woulddddd like to be at the farthest tip of the universe, just so we can finally learn just how big it all is.

Do you have a strange talent? If so, what is it? I can recite the entire screenplays of Titanic, The Proposal, and Breakfast at Tiffany’s, which makes me an awful companion for these movies. If you discovered a new species of animal, what would you call it? I’d leave it up to the scientists to name it tbh because I might probably give it an awful name without meaning to. What's the weirdest name for a phobia? Most of them already sound pretty weird to me lmao. For instance I’d never expect acrophobia to refer to a fear of heights, because it just sounds like a fear of acrobats :(( And triskaidekophobia sounds nothing like a fear of the number 13. If you ever had the chance, would you eat a frog? Yes. I’ve already eaten frog legs as it is. They taste just like chicken. Do you prefer being indoors or outdoors? Depends on where I am when it comes to either. I can enjoy both. When you're indoors, what will you most likely be doing? Indoors can mean a lot of things dude. I can be strolling around, eating, going through my phone, playing bowling, watching a movie, etc. Are you good at lying? I can lie if I have to, but I hate doing it. What was the last lie you told? I didn’t technically lie but like I had to act fake last Friday around a guy I don’t particularly like, but had to hang out with because he’s Angela and Hans’s friend. I kinda had to lie through my personality and show him that everything was okay, which I think counts? Hahaha. I can’t remember the last verbal lie I had to tell. The next song that comes up is a new emotion: I don’t have anything playing on my Spotify. What's your favourite food? Burgers, for sure. What is your greatest weakness? Chewy chocolate chip cookies. What's the weirdest thing you've said whilst drunk? I don’t remember half the shit I say when I’m drunk, but I bet those bits that I forget are the weird ones. Do you collect anything obscene or unusual? If yes, what do you collect? Nope, no weird collections in my room. Finish the sentence: What if... Everybody hates what ifs, there’s no need to trigger right now. What's your favourite smell? I like food smells, basically. I like the smell of chicken being fried, curry being cooked, cookies being baked, the smell of bakeries and coffee shops, my order getting placed in front of me... I just love food aahhhh. If you were ever granted one single wish, what would you wish for? To have all the money that I would ever need and want. You're given the chance to name a newly found city. What do you call it? I’d probably have to borrow an ethnic word for this, because the Filipino language is pretty badass. What do you like about your favourite band? Their songs are always intensely personal and relatable, they aren’t afraid to switch music styles, they keep going back to the Philippines heheheh, and they ALWAYS insist that they’re a band – it’s seen in how Hayley always wants to be credited as ‘Hayley Williams from Paramore’ in all her gigs, and never just as Hayley Williams. Are you creative? I wouldn’t say that. But now you got me all spooked because this was the theme of the first episode of the Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared videos D: What is the meaning of life to you? I never go on Tumblr for deep questions like this, so pass. What do you consider yourself a number one fan of? That’s a bold statement, but I’d like to think that’s me with Audrey Hepburnnnn. What's the luckiest thing that's ever happened to you? One time I was driving a little fast when the car in front of me suddenly stopped to take a turn. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to hit the brakes and if my car could slow down enough not to hit them; and at the time I was already thinking about either crashing to my death or dealing with an angry driver (even though they were the dumbass for suddenly stopping). I didn’t hit the car, but there was a literal centimeter of space left between my car and theirs; my car also got shaken up from its brakes getting floored that the engine made a weird sound for a few seonds. I was left overwhelmed and with so much adrenaline so I ended up crying for like a full hour after. Imagine you've just started a band. What would the band be called? I’m terrible with names so I hope this is the last question asking me to come up with a name for something. The name of your first album: BOY AM I WRONG. The name of your first single: You write your autobiography, the title is: What's your biggest pet peeve? Gotta be a tie between freeloaders and arriving late. What do you wish the weather could be like right now? I’m always wishing it were raining and that it could always be a little colder. What's the weirdest pet name you've ever heard? Recently I saw someone I know have the pet name ‘bubbap’ for their bf, which was new to me. What were you doing this time last year? Ooh, luckily I had a 2019-themed Instagram where I tried to take one photo every day for the year 2019 and it covers January 14! My photo for that day was my wrist covered in lipstick swatches, which I now remember as the day Kate, Jo, Aya, Laurice, and I went to UPTC, snacked at a milk tea place and browsed through makeup. I don’t remember the rest of the stuff that we did, though. What will you be doing this time NEXT year? I’m guessing I will be asleep because I have to wake up early for my job, whatever it is. If you were a superhero, what would your magic power be? Time travel. What's your biggest secret? This Tumblr. What makes a great relationship? It’s such a cliche answer but communication really makes everything better. Also, knowing one another’s love languages. What goes through your mind when you see 'that awkward moment when' posts? Nothing, I just internally hope that the rest of the sentence pertains to an actual awkward moment and not just a completely normal situation, which seems to be the case for most of those posts. How do you win over people's hearts? I’m a listener, so I just whip that weapon out and let them talk while I nod along and ask questions every now and then to let them know I’m paying attention. What's your biggest obsession? Food. What's the worst decision you've ever made in life? I don’t know. I don’t dwell on bad decisions so I’ve most likely forgotten the ones I did make in the past. What do you want written on your gravestone? I’m not yet sure. Something witty, for sure. Your favourite quote is? It’s 12:17 AM and I’m all outta energy to think of quotes that I like. What is a weird habit you have? Playing with, and sometimes pulling at, my eyebrows and eyelashes. It mostly happens when I have bouts of anxiety. If you were on a plane beside your favorite celebrity, what would you do? Say hi, tell them I’m a fan, and get on with my business so that I look all cool :((( I don’t know if I can pull that off with Kristen but that’s definitely my plan. Describe yourself with a song title? That I’m So Tired song by Lauv and Troye Sivan. Why would someone use an umbrella? Because rain? Or sunlight? If you could see into the future, what would you do? I’d look into it, because I hate uncertainty. Why is shampoo clear and conditioner not? Idk about yours, but mine both aren’t. You've created your own recipe. What do you name it? U g h. Do you have lots of floor space in your bedroom? No, not really. This room was meant for my youngest sibling so it’s been small from the get-go. For some reason I called dibs on it when I was 10 because my parents meant to have me share a room with my sister and I was NOT a fan of that – simply put, I called dibs on my current bedroom because it was a solo bedroom (my brother was 4 at the time and didn’t want to stay in a room all by himself, so it was technically up for grabs). I have the smallest room now, but honestly it’s ok. I don’t need a lot of space and besides, I’m moving out very soon hahaha. What time do you like to stay awake until? It’s different every night. Are you a dedicated person? To causes or responsibilities I’m passionate about, yes. What happened in the last dream you had? Not sure. I forget most of them. What's your favourite day of the week and why? Friday, because weekeeeeeeeeeeeeeeend. If you're at the beach, what are you most likely doing? I’m always doing either of these: sunbathing, or swimming in the sea, just relaxing. The name of your favourite movie: Two for the Road and Good Will Hunting. It’s always been a tie. What's your favourite thing about Christmas? All the food.

Are you stubborn? Yes. If you could forget about one memory that you have, what would it be? Embarrassing ones. I won’t delve into them because the whole point is to forget them, lmao. If you were made out of paper, what would you do? Google what just happened lol. Do you act differently to certain people? Yeah. You have to sometimes. How I am with my college friends isn’t 100% the same as how I am with my high school friends (I switch to a different sense of humor, but otherwise it’s still all me), and both these personalities are so not how I act around family. What's your favourite sport? Pro wrestling. Your favourite tweet ever made by your favourite celebrity? The first time Punk and AJ ever tweeted each other. They were talking about human doodles and human poodles. It was WILLLLLLDDDD experiencing that as it happened haha. Did you enjoy this quiz? Sure! It was random enough for me. The name generator questions just scared me a bit. If you were on the titanic, would you be a survivor? I guess, because I’m a woman and they had that women and children rule. Where would be the weirdest place to randomly start dancing at? A bank? I dunno. What do you do when you can't sleep at night? I turn to Reddit or YouTube. 101% effective, every single night. Do you trust people easily? Yes. I can also take away that trust easily. If you could tell the whole world anything right now, what would you say? Please donate whatever you can to help out the animals in the areas affected by the Taal eruption. I wish it were this easy to yell it out to the world. Your opinion on the royals: I’m proud of Meghan and Harry, y’alls. GO DITCH ‘EM. Don’t get me wrong, I love the royal family, but what Meghan and Harry did was pretty fucking awesome, too. Why is your favourite TV show your favourite TV show? It’s not deep, it’s funny and I can rewatch every episode as many times as I want and still laugh at the same punchlines, it’s relatable, and it’s helped me through some dark times. Would you rather be the leader or the follower? Leader for tasks I know I’ll succeed in, follower for responsibilities that I know are way too big and pressing for my capabilities. What's your favourite pastime? Netflix, and my newest hobby, painting :)

[sugagimmesugar]

Only Fools Fall for You

After seeing the insane amounts of BTS imagines and fanfictions I have decided to join the fun!

This is the beginning of a story I am writing at the moment. Its readerXNamjoon. And its music centered. I have one song per chapter that is “featured” and I am currently working on the playlist that is mentioned in the story as well as a playlist to convey the general emotions/moods in the story.

For now I am posting the first 1.5k world of what I have written so far. Please tell me what you think!

Fluff! ; OffDuty!Namjoon; Student!Y/N ; set in sweden

———————————————————————————————————————

Finally he got a day off. He loved his life, his job, everything about being RM, but after months on tour, he really needed some time alone. All the members felt that way so they had parted ways right after breakfast. They had all tried to cook together, a rare treat of homeliness that as per usual ended up in chaos. The fact that they were cooking in someone else’s kitchen, since they were staying in an AirBnB, probably didn’t help either. Jin and Yoongi somehow managed to whip up something edible for all the guys, so they all left well-fed towards whatever they each had planned for their days.

Namjoon only wanted to discover yet another new town, so he spent the day wandering through the streets, occasionally popping into a shop for this and that.

This time, they had played a concert in Gothenburg, in Sweden, so the weather in Septembre was quite cold for his standards. Everybody in town was bundled up and covering their faces against the wind, so his features were easily hidden against the views of anyone who might recognize him.

After walking around town for a few hours, he decided to take a break at a record store that seemingly also had a little café and some seats where customers could listen to some of the albums for sale.

He found a table in a lonely corner and left his bag and jacket there “claiming” it for himself.

The shop was fairly empty, as to be expected on a monday in septembre. So he didn't worry about being recognized, and just went on to browse the endless shelves of records. With a low chuckle he discovered the “K-Pop” section. It was obvious that K-Pop had not quite reached this country yet, no matter how huge it already was in other parts of europe. The “section” only consisted of one shelf which was 90% BTS and then some BlackPink. He quickly moved on to the more general selection, getting stuck, as always, on Rap.

“Hej, behöver du nån hjälp?”, he hears a voice behind him.

“Huh, sorry?”, he turns around, slightly startled by the store’s clerk, a girl around his age.

“Oh, sorry! I just asked if you need some help? Are you looking for anything in specific?” She smiles broadly, and as his surprise ebbes off, he notices more about her, the vintage jeans and red converse she’s wearing. Suppressing a laugh, he notes the sweater she’s wearing, which sports a print saying “Seduce and Destroy”.

“Haha it’s fine, I am just looking around a bit. You guys have a huge selection here so I’m just taking my time. Thank you, though.”

“Ok sure, just holla if you need something.” A short pause …..”Oh, by the way, I moved your stuff behind the counter …. a group of teens came in and you can never be too careful. So, yea, don’t worry it’s not stolen, just protected.”, she smiles at him again, his breath catching in his throat.

“ Ah, I didn’t think of that, thank you!”, trying to think of things to say to keep her in a conversation, he blurts out: “What’s your favourite artist? I have been looking through the collection here but still ended up with my old faves, I think I need some new jams. Any recommendations?”

She laughs, and looking around the store she heads straight for the pop section.

“Okay, now don’t be judgemental but this dude right here, Troye Sivan, he is incredible. I saw you with Kanye and Eminem albums so I reckon Troye is a bit different from what you usually listen to, but i recommend him 100%!” She holds up an album “Blue Neighbourhood” and another one “Bloom”.

“I will check out whatever you recommend, you’re the pro!”

“I’ll set up a listening booth for you with his albums and bring you back your stuff.”, she grins triumphantly. “As I said before, just holla if you want or need anything else.”

A few minutes later he is set up in a booth, just as she said. To top it off, he got some coffee.

Coincidentally, from his booth, he can see her workplace, the bar that is half register half café bar, so he (not-so-sneakily) watches her as she works, interacting with customers and shooting him the occasional smile or even wink.

As the music stops he realizes he didn’t even notice any lyrics or melodies, too entranced by the cute barista/clerk. “Ah shit…” he mutters to himself, trying to figure out how to restart the album as she comes walking over.

“What did you think? His voice is pretty amazing, huh?”

“Unfortunately I was a bit distracted, I didnt manage to catch much of the music.”

“Oh sorry, that must be my fault, huh?” Another wink. It must be his lucky day.

“How ‘bout you join me at the bar. I can just show you some general recommendations and if you want you can show me some of your faves. Maybe something more interesting than Kanye and Eminem?”, she smiles at him again.

Is she flirting? No, it’s her job to be nice to customers, she is being cute for tips.

“Sure, show me all your favourites. I promise I will buy one album from your recommendations. I’ll finish my coffee and then I’ll join you.”, he smirks.

Whatever this is, a proper flirt or just a nice store clerk, he is having fun. And that’s what today is about. He already bought way too much stuff just by getting lost in all the different shops, he might as well spend his afternoon hanging out with a cute girl. Not RM, not the leader of BTS. Just some guy who likes music. Easy.

As he is sipping his coffee, he pulls out his phone to check what the others are up to.

Hobi: “Why the FUCK is it so cold here?”

Jin: “We are in Scandinavia, if u didnt notice. It’s cold here….”

Tae: “Stop being a pussy Hoseok” *image attached of the maknae line eating ice cream by the seashore*

Hobi: “….”

Namjoon can’t help but laugh, everything is as usual. Yoongi has sent him a rough mockup of a track for the next album and he plays it while checking the personal chats with the other members.

JK: “Hyung where r u”

JK: “We are somewhere at the seashore, Tae just kinda went off track somewhere….”

JK: “turns out we were just like 1 street away from a bus stop so, uh, no need to worry… we found our way to some ice cream”

JK: “since i can see youre not even reading these i guess youre having a good time. Cya”

He rolls his eyes, of course the youngest ones almost got lost in another foreign country. He quickly types an answer.

Looking up from his phone, he catches Her staring at him. She winks at him and pats the bar in front of her. He shoots her a quick smile back and gets back to checkin in on the guys.

Yoongi: “new track mayb w jin & hobi??? U decide”

Joon: “ sounds good, we can work on it together when we get back”

After checking that the members are having a good day, he quickly takes some selcas to post for ARMY later.

“Done sending selfies to your girlfriend?”, the girl smiles at him as he sets down his bag at the bar, taking a seat right in front of her.

“No girlfriend, just…. family. They always want to see that I am having fun no matter where I am.”

“How sweet! Well, if you promise that you don’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend I’ll introduce myself. I’m y/n. I am a student here but originally from y/h/c. Nice to meet you!”, her eyes sparkle as she smiles at him again, and he almost forgets to answer.

“I’m Namjoon, I’m visiting here from Korea for a few days.” He holds his hand out but exactly at that moment a customer comes to the register, so she turns away with an apologetic look.

She returns a few minutes later: “How ‘bout I put on my favourites on the store radio and you make me a little playlist of yours so I can check out what hot korean boys listen to. Show me some stuff I don’t know yet!” A small laugh and she bounces off again, fixing two coffees and soon he hears a synth riff playing on the speakers.

With a wide grin y/n comes twirling towards him, holding two iced coffees. Before he can think he is grinning at her and bouncing along to the music.

“This one’s on me, Namjoon. Don’t worry.”, she says as he holds out his card.

“I guess I am gonna have to buy you a drink later to make up for it.”, he laughs and takes the coffee.

Leaning on the bar, she watches him click away on his phone with a smile. His playlist slowly takes shape as he keeps stopping to properly listen to her music.

“Oh, wait! I just remembered, I actually know one korean artist, maybe you like his stuff. Let me just put it on for you.” A few seconds later he hears the notes he would recognize anywhere and almost bursts out laughing.

*we’re born in the moonlight… ain’t a fantasy*

[ollyarchive]

Years & Years’ Olly Alexander: ‘There’s entrenched homophobia at all levels of the music industry’

The frontman speaks to Brian O’Flynn about the importance of queer voices, the decline of pop music and how he keeps his mental health struggles in check

The past couple of years have seen queer pop acts climb their way up the cultural ladder. Artists such as Christine and the Queens, Hayley Kiyoko, Janelle Monae, Troye Sivan and Sam Smith are all pouring their sexuality into their music – by and large to critical acclaim. One of the most prominent members of this new queer cohort is Olly Alexander, frontman of British synthpop band Years & Years. But for him, there’s still a long way to go.

“There’s entrenched homophobia behind the scenes at all levels of the music industry,” says the 28-year-old. “It’s got so much better, but I think it’s gonna take a radical shift before these men who are in control of the funds and the labels and the radio stations are gonna be OK with overt queerness. They see it as turning off part of the audience.”

Years & Years, who play London’s O2 Arena today, came out in a big way in 2015. After being named BBC Sound of 2015 in January, the three-piece secured their first number one single a couple of months later, before topping the album charts that July with their debut record, Communion. Musically, they skilfully tapped into the then-zeitgeist for soulful pop-house.

By this point, Alexander was already a fairly familiar face, having appeared as an actor in the Channel 4 drama Skins, as well as Gaspar Noé’s Enter the Void and Laura Wade’s The Riot Club. He was always out, but his lyricism at the time was more cloaked than it is these days, his hair a demure brown and his body wrapped in unassuming boy-next-door T-shirts. Three years later, you’d scarcely recognise him touring second album Palo Santo. His hair now a fiery red inspired by Rihanna – whom he recently met on The Graham Norton Show – Alexander bounces out on stages in glittery bodysuits and high-fashion ensembles while singing about BDSM and breaking up with boyfriends.

“There were a lot of people who were uncomfortable with how overtly sexual this album was,” says Alexander. “When we did our show for the first time we had a few comments that it wasn’t family friendly. I reject that completely.”

Though their recent single “If You’re Over Me” climbed to number six, Years & Years’ second, more unambiguously gay record hasn’t quite matched the chart-topping success of Communion, where the lyrics and visuals were more neutral. Christine and the Queens, too, has experienced a drop-off in mainstream chart success with her second album, itself more gender non-conforming in its aesthetic. Given what Alexander says about the music industry, is it possible that the wider public is still less comfortable with explicit queerness than we’d like to believe, for all the recent renaissance of the LGBT+ pop scene?

“The music industry has changed so much,” he argues, “and audiences have changed the way they listen to music, so across the board many artists haven’t been able to replicate the success they had a few years ago. Pop music is very trend-driven as well, and it’s very focused on hip hop now – look at Drake in the US. So, ‘pop pop’ music is definitely on the wane.”

“Pop pop music” is undoubtedly what Years & Years represent. Their synth-heavy, swooping sound feels like it belongs in a queer cathedral, like layered gay organ music, their lyrics riffing off this religious association in songs such as “Worship” and “Sanctify”. If there’s a church Alexander is genuflecting at it’s that of Britney Spears, and Nineties pop-R&B courses, quite clearly, through his blood.

The nervous, handwringing ebullience Alexander exudes when talking about Britney or Rihanna never fully leaves him. He’s restless and fastidiously polite, saying “aw, thank you” to any remotely positive comment and constantly apologising for himself (“Oh no, I’ve explained that so badly,” he often says). A lot of discussion around him is excitable and feverish, too, given what he represents for so many young gay people.

Just as Alexander has elevated the queerness in his work, so too he’s become a leading spokesperson for the wider LGBTQ+ community. He has used his TV appearances to protest homophobic laws in Poland, and patiently guided just about every interviewer and presenter in the global media through gay politics and identity. He also presented a BBC documentary on gay mental health, after a good deal of dark firsthand experience.

He says he still needs to be “militant” about his own daily routines to keep himself together. “I know it sounds so obvious, but I didn’t eat three meals a day for a very long period of my life so I have to make sure I do it now,” he says with a laugh. He’s mostly happy these days, though still struggles from time to time: “I had two weeks earlier this month where I just felt really low and it really freaked me out, actually. Whenever I start to feel a bit low, I think I overreact because I’m scared I’m going to retreat into this hellish black hole I used to be in as a teenager.”

We needn’t worry, though – he has routines in place now to keep him balanced: “I sing in the mornings and count my blessings like Cinderella!” Though Alexander projects this kind of warm, smiley enthusiasm, my main impression of him is one of measured realism. He coolly and carefully unpicks the state of queerness, queer pop, and his place in it all.

“I think the reason I’ve been so committed to advocacy is because I see so many people in pain,” he says. “We’re seeing a lot of infiltration of mainstream spaces which is super exciting and positive but... I don’t know if I’d call it a tipping point.

“I just don’t know if the perception of that ‘successful’ queer pop narrative is reflected in the realities of people’s lives,” he continues. “A lot of the fans who message me are really suffering. I really do worry there isn’t enough being done to help – enough provision in place.”

In the rush to celebrate the sense of joy and freedom that’s come along with figures such as Alexander, Troye Sivan and Sam Smith, we perhaps overlook how much work is still left to be done. This burden never seems to be far from Alexander’s mind: even as he works to project his own queerness, he worries about who he’s talking over. “There’s a glaring similarity between us,” he says of fellow stars Sivan and Smith. “It would be outrageous to say we haven’t benefited from whiteness. I always go around in my head like, ‘Am I just continuing to enable that system, am I just creating more problematic shit by taking up space as a gay man?’”

“It’s upsetting to see how poor the representation of such a diverse community is,” he continues. “It’s still the same people being asked to speak on things. Sometimes I’m like, ‘Can’t we have someone else’? But then at the same time, I’m like, ‘Well, if they’re asking me to speak I’d better say something!’”

Alexander isn’t content to just throw his hands up in the air, though. It seems he’s found a way to kill two birds with one stone; to make more provision for young gay people, and hand some of his speaking time over to those who are less represented. His next big project is his plan to create a queer festival called Rendez-Vous.

“It came from wanting to create an inspirational network for queer people,” he says. Their shows in London will be a trial run of sorts, a precursor to something bigger in the future. Trans icon Munroe Bergdorf will compere, there will be sexual health information stands and gender neutral bathrooms. “Hopefully it will eventually become a festival,” he says. “It’s basically about giving the stage over to amazing talent. I haven’t really experienced that anywhere yet.”

The London show will feature fast-rising pansexual popstar Rina Sawayama, and he reels off a list of acts he wants to see there in the future. Primarily, he wants to empower marginalised voices and share his platform, to leverage some of his accumulated influence on to those less heard. “We have a unique opportunity to introduce Years & Years audiences, who aren’t all queer, to some acts they wouldn’t come across in their usual Spotify playlists. And I want there to be queer thinkers giving speeches, and a place where you can get tested, have it be community focused. Giving back to the community is something that I care about,” he concludes. “Oh god, I’ve explained it really badly,“ he apologises yet again, though he hasn’t at all.

As LGBT and female acts tend to be sidelined in mainstream festivals, and straight men still dominate the industry, this is an exciting and novel prospect. You can’t be pushed out if you own the space, right?

In the meantime, Alexander’s off to make sure he gets some food before his show tonight, when he’ll get a different kind of nourishment. “You know when you’re playing a video game and Mario needs to eat mushrooms to get big and stay alive? Playing shows to queer people, it kind of feels like that,” he says. “It restores my energy.”

Years & Years are currently touring the UK

[kookssweetpotatoes-blog]

EUPHORIA // PART 1

~ What will happen when a rising indie pop artist meets her biggest inspirations - seven talented young men - while going through a very hard phase in her life? ~

Note from the author: Since it's the first chapter and kind of an introduction, we won't be seeing much of the Bangtan Boys yet. However, I gurantee you there'll be lots of appearences from every member in the future. Please consider that this AU is going on in a different time set and neither of LY: Her or LY: Tear is released in this AU. Have fun reading!

/PART 2/

It all happened too fast.

This sentence was on her mind all the time for the past few months. And she wasn't sure if she was actually happy about the situation. Of course it was incredible to share her music with so many people all around the world, she was thankful for that. But on the other hand it felt like she had lost her freedom, her privacy, her youth. She had to share every single detail about her life and that made her uncomfortable. At first she found it rather interesting, the livestreams, vlogs, interviews... But now she felt trapped in a body that no longer belonged to her. Those thoughts made her feel guilty as well. She had everything someone could ask for yet she wasn't satisfied. Ungrateful.

"Snap out of it." She blinked and turned to the source of the voice, her manager. He looked quite worried and asked if she was okay. She nodded silently and continued to watch the streets on their way to the hotel.

It was her first time to attend such a big event: The Billboard Music Awards. Also her first time at Las Vegas too, which she was quite excited about. It also didn't help that she was going to stay at a hotel which lots of fellow artists were staying as well, the thought about interacting with them almost made her throw up.

The car stopped and someone got the door for her. She took a deep breath before stepping out.

"You ready to go in?" Her manager buttoned up his blazer giving her a flashy smile. Sometimes she thought Ryan was more 'celebrity material' than her.

"Actually, no. I think I'll go wander around for a bit. Could you please arrange my suit and my stuff?"

Ryan sighed. "Sooner or later, you'll have to meet these people, you know that, right?"

"It's better if it's later. Plus, maybe i'll see some fans?"

"That's not how it works, i don't think that's a good idea-" She blew a kiss to him before he could finish his sentence and walked away. Ryan rolled his eyes, thinking about how his little star needs to mature up.

She walked the busy streets of Las Vegas, amazed by everything she saw. It was not long until she heard some people calling her name. A crowd ran up to her with posters and albums in their hands, smiling.

She wouldn't dare to call these people 'fans' , they were more like friends to her. If it wasn't for them, she would feel even more lost.

"I can't believe we've made it this far! Look at you being nominated for The Top New Artist!"

"We also DESTROYED the charts."

"Indie music is getting attention thanks to you, our indie queen!"

She smiled, trying to reach out and hug every one of them. "Thanks to me? You guys did all of this!"

"Please sign on my arm? I'll get it tattooed!"

"You're crazy." Yet she got the pen and signed on the young man's arm while chuckling. This was what she was living for, what made her feel alive. Not the awards or the crazy amount of money she made.

She walked back to the hotel feeling much more better, smiling uncontrollably. But the smile vanished once she saw how crowded the lobby was.

All she had to do was to not make eye contact with anyone and go straight to her room. Easy.

It was supposed to be easy if she wasn't stopped to be pulled into a random hug by a random person.

"Whoa, I wasn't expecting to run into you here. You have no idea how much I love your music. Actually, I have some collab ideas, yeah? Maybe we can talk about it sometime? Wanna have a drink with me, you must be tired."

It took a lot of time for her to recognize the person who was talking since the guy was literally crushing her bones, but it was Drew Taggart from The Chainsmokers. Before she could respond in the most awkward way, her close friend came to rescue her.

"Drew, I'm sorry for interrupting but it's been ages since I saw my best friend, so I'll borrow her for a while. We're here for a week anyways you'll have plenty of time to 'discuss collab ideas'." With that Troye Sivan pulled her away.

Once they were out of Drew Taggart's sight, she pulled Troye into a hug. "You have the best timing, always saving me from such awkward moments. I seriously love you."

Troye laughed. "Now you'll love me even more because i'll introduce you to very cool people. Right. Now."

She frowned. "I thought we were going to hang out only the two of us. Relaxing. No other people. No social interactions."

"Believe me, this will be worth it. You can thank me later." Troye pushed her to the fancy hotel bar, dragging her through the tables.

She saw seven silhouettes at the last table by the huge windows. Seven silhouettes she would recognize anywhere.

"Troye. You can't be serious."

"Oh I am. I am very serious."

One of the silhouettes turned, approaching the two. His face was illuminated by the dim lights, showing his adorable smile and dimples. It was no other than Kim Namjoon himself.

"Troye, you didn't mention you were bringing my favourite new artist!"

Troye smirked. "I wanted to see your reactions meeting her after begging me to introduce her to you guys for too long."

She blinked, not sure what's going on at all.

"It's so nice to meet such a good musician." Namjoon shook her hand gently and she almost jumped at the random touch. She couldn't bring herself to say anything, still amazed and shocked by the strong auras of these seven men.

Next to Namjoon, there was Kim Seokjin, looking unreal with his perfect face. He smiled widely and bowed to her, which she quickly returned.

Jung Hoseok came out of nowhere, embracing her in his arms and exclaiming her name. She was very thankful he held her tight otherwise she may have fainted.

Park Jimin gave her his famous smile, making his cheeks looking like a little chipmunk but still managing to look hot as hell somehow. "You look even more gorgeous in real life." She wanted to scream in his face that he was the gorgeous one here, but all she could do was to blush.

Min Yoongi looked unamused at his younger brother's words. "Jimin, stop with your shameless comments." He turned to her with a warmness in his cat-like eyes, looking adorable as usual. "A pleasure to meet you."

Kim Taehyung looked like a model with his oversized white shirt and a tie around his head like a bandana, but his most eye catching feauture was his smile. He seemed as innocent as a little child with his big smile and his eyes were shining. He waved at her, very excited. She couldn't help but smile at him.

The last one to approach her was Jeon Jungkook, he just gave her a brief nod, not even the smallest smile which kind of disappointed her. It was understandable, maybe he was tired or maybe he wasn't very fond of seeing her at all, she wasn't anything special anyways. But still, after looking up to him for so many years, she was expecting something... more? She thought it was very dumb of her to feel hurt because of that.

Troye's voice brought her back to the reality. "I know she doesn't look like a Kpop fan at all, but she loves you guys." She glared at him for embarrassing her but gave a sweet smile to the others.

"I've been listening to your music since I was a teen, just after you debuted. You guys have a really special place for me, you've been the biggest inspiration for me to make music. I'm really thankful for that." She bowed them for the second time.

A huge smile formed on Namjoon's lips. "May I ask what is your favourite song?"

"Too many to choose from, but Spring Day has always been different for me. It makes me feel a lot of emotions at once, I think that's what good music should make someone feel."

Yoongi smiled in surprise. He watched her youtube videos with her best friend, which they played games or reacted to cringy videos, and she seemed like a very loud and savage person. But now meeting her in real life, she seemed so mature and in peace while talking about music. A real musician, he thought to himself. He wanted to praise her about that, but of course he wasn't going to bring up the fact that he had been watching her youtube videos for the past 3 months. He couldn't bear the thought of Jimin and Jungkook being little brats and teasing him about it.

30 minutes passed quickly with small talk about music (Namjoon talked the most of it) and she was having a very good time, but she could feel someone sending her glares now and then which discouraged her to open her mouth. She had a strong feeling they were from Jeon Jungkook. Maybe she was being too sensitive, but most of the time she was not wrong about people's emotions.

Feeling overwhelmed, she thought the best decision was to find some excuse and go relax at her room for the rest of the night. With that she stood up.

"It was a pleasure to meet you all but I should really get going. I have so many things I should take care of tomorrow and I should get some rest." She smiled at everyone around her except one person, still surprised by his cold behaviour.

"Are you serious? You promised me we were going to have a sleep over tonight!" Troye frowned and she smiled patting his shoulders.

"I'll make it up to you. I swear." She hurried to her room, not looking back for once. Troye knew when something was bothering his best friend, and something was definitely bothering his best friend.

[juliaisabellphoto]

Music Journal #1: 2018 Albums of the Year

Thus far, I’ve dedicated this blog solely to my attempts at becoming a decent photographer, as well as some scattered descriptions of my travels. While I have no intention of making this blog absurdly personal or anything more than an artistic outlet, I’ve always had an itching to write about the music I find & listen to. So, without further ado, I’ll start with my favorite albums of the year (& a short summary of my thoughts on each)

1. Tash Sultana, Flow State

I stumbled upon this gem of a project late in 2018 when I was itching for an album to drown myself in. As soon as the first notes of “Seed (Intro)” blasted in my headphones, I knew I had chosen right. With a beautiful combination of melodic guitar riffs, biting electronic drum tracks, and silky, laid-back vocals, Sultana opens up a world for the listener to fall into. Listening to this album is startlingly similar to a dreamless night of sleep - one moment you feel as though you can discern the differences between tracks, and the next you’ve made it all the way to track eight without noticing. “Cigarettes” is certainly the vocal gem of the piece, with smooth R&B roots & a chorus that just won’t get out of your head. In stark contrast, “Blackbird” is a song of instrumental mastery. The vocals take a backdrop to the intense conversation (and at some points, argument) being had by Sultana’s competing guitar melodies. Sultana’s work on the guitar is often reminiscent of John Butler Trio & other acoustic greats, but the addition of their unique voice allows the album to take an entirely unique shape of its own. If I have one piece of advice for 2019, it’s to make time to sit and do nothing but listen to this album. 

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVDJ8O3lPBA

2. Ariana Grande, Sweetener

This was an obvious choice. Ari dropped the album we all needed to hear in 2018. With the artful ability to produce banging pop songs with real meaning, Grande has the makings of a star who will not stop shining for a long, long while. The album is brimming with girl power and independence while also being honest and genuine. The entrancing bass line and sexy confidence of “God is a woman” captured the attention of functionally everyone this year, and with good reason. The subsequent confessional “breathin” showed that even the most badass women have their struggles. Chronicling her fight with anxiety, the song provides a stunning anthem for holding your head up through hard times. If this album proves anything, it is that the new queen of pop has arrived and will be staying. 

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivwciGSLC-M

3. ASAP Rocky, TESTING

In this album, ASAP Rocky ascends to a whole new level of hip-hop greatness. When describing the project, he stated that it was ‘all about testing new sounds,” and that shows. The abrasive intro song, “Distorted Records,” sets the stage for a completely unique soundscape. This experimentation continues throughout the album with funky drum tracks and accompanying melodies, but ASAP Rocky’s clean vocal style provides a uniting constant. 

While most of this album is perfect for blasting on the highway with car windows down, one song stands out as an independent masterpiece. “Purity.” featuring Frank Ocean, stands in stark contrast to the air of invincibility found in the rest of the album. This song is vulnerable: an introspective discussion of intoxication-related demons laid over an artful sample of Lauryn Hill’s “I Gotta Find Peace of Mind.” This slow, heart-wrenching piece provides an end to the album that is completely antithetical to its beginning. The immense versatility shown in one album alone deserves to be at the top of any 2018 list.

4. Khruangbin, Con Todo El Mundo

If I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that the best instrumental music has the ability to say more than any lyrics can. Khruangbin’s second album does just that: every song has a character and a storytelling emotion wrapped up in its funky bass lines. At times, the album floats along as life does (see “Como Me Quieres.) At others, for example in Maria Tambien, there is the feeling of being in the midst of some dramatic situation. The album instrumentally represents the  stages of individual thought (both active and passive) and it is completely enthralling. 

Fun fact: the track “August 10″ is the song “August 12″ from their first album, but played in reverse. They described it as a “connective tissue” between their first album and their second. Cool stuff!

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWLJeqLPfSU

5. Mitski, Be the Cowboy

I first listened to this album as I fell asleep on a plane ride, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The droning, climactic beauty of this album is best experienced on its own with nothing to distract but your own droopy eyes. The album starts off slow with “Geyser,” but quickly works its way up to the earth-shaking climax of “Pearl.” The album is filled with complex sonic peaks and valleys from there on out (try to find a melodic similarity between “Remember My Name” and “Come into the Water” - I date you.) The songs of this album feel like different chapters in a storybook, and that’s exactly how Mitski wanted it. When she described her intentions, she said that she wanted the album to feel like “the image of someone alone on a stage.” ‘Be the Cowboy’ cleverly achieves this - finishing the album feels like finishing a novel, including the disappointment at the lack of further content. 

6. Troye Sivan. Bloom

This pop album bursting with energy and emotion accesses the wonderful, terrible process of falling in and out of love. While I could talk for paragraphs upon paragraphs about the hours that I spent dancing in my kitchen to this album, that’s not the primary reason for this album’s place on my list. With ‘Bloom,’ Sivan produced one of the most emotionally versatile musical pieces of the year. When I discuss his songs with people, I am always struck by the differences in what they mean to each of us. Certainly, this variance in meaning is the nature of music - but Sivan pushes that to a new level. His songs are a vibrant and powerful normalization of gay expression, and provide the whole world with relatable songs to dance (and cry) to.

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xCMF7jsDJI

7. J. Balvin, Vibras

There is only one thing that this album makes you want to do: dance. It is absolutely guaranteed that your hips will be moving by the end of song number two. The beats on this new album are hot and infectious, as shown by the popularity of “Mi Gente” in clubs everywhere. Reggaeton as a genre has gained massive popularity globally, and Balvin has jumped into this with new variations of the traditional Columbian style. Noticeable throughout the album are infusions of popular trap beats as well as salsa and electronic dance music (see “Machika.”) The album is undeniably sexy, y despues de escuchar todas personas quieren mas ;)

8. LP, Heart to Mouth

I read somewhere that this album was a “full-length heartbreaker.” As I progressed through each song, this description was confirmed ten times over. There is not a single song on this album that didn’t make me feel something real. In no particular order, LP represents the whirlwind of emotions that come with the end of a relationship: regret, pain, missing someone, liberation, strength. The entire conflicting mess is all there. Listen to ‘Recovery’ if you need a cry, and ‘Girls Go Wild’ if you need a therapeutic dance party. All I can do is feel thankful to have received this raw, empowering confessional. And of course, her stunning vocals don’t hurt one bit. 

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACWS4ajWdww

9. Mac Miller, Swimming 

Listening to this album in the wake of Mac’s death is haunting. His words cut deep, and they cut deeper after knowing the full extent of how he struggled. The themes of growth and healing are wrapped up in overwhelming melodies and Mac’s beautiful voice. The first track of the album, “Come Back to Earth,” sets the stage for the emotional rollercoaster that each track is bound to be. After this song, he launches into the groovy “Hurt Feelings” and begins to describe the intricacies of his hardships. This album is something you could easily bop around your kitchen table to (queue “What’s the Use?”), but if you listen too closely you might end up in tears. In this contemplative and instrumentally complex record, Mac’s last work was his strongest. 

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrR_gm6RqCo

10. Liz Brasher, Outcast EP

I first heard this EP on an episode of NPR’s “All Songs Considered” in the middle of a long drive up California Highway 5 (one that would’ve been torturous without the discovery of new music.) The song “Body of Mine” immediately caught my ear, and I dove into the rest of Brasher’s music as deeply as I could. Uncut garage-band sound is the overwhelming theme of the EP - “Body of Mine,” “Come My Way,” and “Outcast” make this crystal clear. Despite the quick assumptions that can be made about her sound, Brasher pulls complexity into the EP with the heart-wrenching ballads “Feel Something” and “Remain.” These two songs showcase the raw strength of her voice and the emotion that she can convey with it. I am excited to see what her music develops into as she gains more acclaim in the new year. Thanks again, NPR!

11. Travis Scott, ASTROWORLD

I haven’t been a huge Travis Scott fan in the past. I would passively listen to his music, but I never understood all the buzz about him. This album completely changed my mind. ASTROWORLD is a masterpiece in so many ways, and the amount of depth present in the album is mindblowing. While “STARGAZING” and “SICKO MODE” stand out as obvious party bangers, it’s no surprise that many fans are hooked on calmer tracks like “YOSEMITE” and “COFFEE BEAN.” If I were to describe the different musical styles employed on this album, I would truly be describing every song. Scott enters a new realm of production genius, giving club DJs exactly what they want while also producing the perfect songs for a chill night in smoking. He includes the autotuned party business he employed in past albums while also mixing in pure, clean cuts of his own voice. It was a pleasant surprise to hear an album from a trap artist with both diversity and widespread quality. Officially a Travis Scott fan. 

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enYt3dKXWkE

12. Christine and the Queens, Chris

I was also introduced to this album late in the year, and I’m glad I was because its energy was exactly what I needed. This half poppy half funky explosion of energy is what anyone needs to listen to on a down day. This album was her rebranding as Chris, an “affirmation of desire as a force of chaos” as she described in an interview with NPR. In both the album artwork and the record’s descriptions of love and identity, she plays with the fluidity of gender and its meaning in our modern era. This phenomenal record is an exercise in both shifting representations of desire and making you dance, and I’m so here for it.

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjliweXTCYM

12. Kacey Musgraves. Golden Hour

This slow-rolling album is perfect for a slow day. When I initially saw this album on the top charts, I was confused - I had seen Musgraves live in 2014, I had heard “High Horse,” but what was SO special about her? It was only in taking a chunk of my day to sit and listen to this album that I caught the bug that everyone else seemed to already have. In this album, Musgraves develops into so much more of an artist than she has been in the past. She shifts from cookie-cutter radio country to a wonderfully sweet combination of cotton-candy pop and heartfelt Americana guitar riffs. Her message is positive, her lyrics are honest, and her sound is touching. I was most convinced by “Happy & Sad,” and I won’t deny that the song pulled tears out of my eyes. She conveys youthful happy energy while simultaneously acknowledging the uncertainty of that happiness, and we all needed it (even if we didn’t know it.) Plus, “High Horse” is a bop, and that’s that on that. 

13. BROCKHAMPTON, iridescence

After the expulsion of Ameer Vann from the group and the cancellation of a number of tour dates, many weren’t sure what to expect from Brockhampton in the coming weeks. The name of the upcoming album was changed, and presumably entirely new songs were recorded. Nevertheless, iridescence was received with intense anticipation from die-hard Brockhampton fans (myself among them.) The album fulfilled all hopes - with the first track, “NEW ORLEANS,” launching into an aggressive and high-energy beat, I couldn’t help but smile. Brockhampton did it yet again. The transitions between songs are seamless, and every song lends to the theatrics that they love to pull onstage. Much of the record feels like a high-speed formula one race, but the emotional “SAN MARCOS” pulls listeners into another dimension entirely. Hearing this song performed live was one of the more powerful moments of any concert I’ve ever seen - the outro was made to be passionately sung by a crowd, and it so was. And “TONYA” - wow. I could go on forever about this album.

14. Boygenius, boygenius

The cover art for this record is simple, and that simplicity shines through in its tracks. The collaboration of Julien Baker, Phoebe Bridgers, and Lucy Dacus in this project is pure magic. The music is calm, melodic, and easy to become entranced by. Their voices could lull me to sleep any day, and every song feels like it could play during the part of a movie when the protagonist stares out a car window in deep thought. Each song builds to an emotionally charged climax in exactly the tortured way that a listener would expect from these three artists. At this point, I’d be deeply sad if these three didn’t continue making music as a group. They are a gift.

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OS48Lp34Zic

15. Kali Uchis, Isolation

Kali Uchis blooms in a real way in Isolation. Busting at the seams with sexy confidence, her psychedelic-funky R&B traversal of genres on this record is just perfect. Her uniquely smooth voice pulled over left-of-center beats lends itself to an album full of hits. “After the Storm” featuring Tyler the Creator gained quick popularity, and it is a good representative of the vibe that the rest of the album gives off. A laid back, sexual, happy piece of musical experimentation, Kali Uchis is here to play ball. 

16. Cardi B, Invasion of Privacy

With Invasion of Privacy, Cardi B burst onto the popular rap scene with no regrets. Every song exudes her bad bitch energy and reclaims the rap music tropes typically employed exclusively by men. While an incredible ancestry of female rappers came before her, Cardi B has broken the musical glass ceiling in a big way. She is the first female rapper to reach number one on the Billboard top 200 in over 20 years, has the most Billboard top 100 entries of any female artist in history, and many more. She is a true ‘rags-to-riches’ success story, and she’s here to tell us all about it. I’m listening.  

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LPVjHxXvJM

17. Ryan Beatty, Boy in Jeans

I just saw an article titled “Ryan Beatty writes really good pop songs about boys.” This was a quite simplistic summary of what’s going on here, but it’s not wrong. Despite his vocals on Brockhampton’s “Bleach” and his frequent collaboration with the popular group, Beatty didn’t break out individually in the music scene until now. He certainly did so with this album, and he did it well. His slightly left-of-center pop featuring a voice with the consistency of caramel is exactly what everyone wants to hear. It’s the perfect music for a scenic car ride, and I’m obsessed.

18. The Decemberists, I’ll Be Your Girl

I’ve been a fan of the Decemberists for a long time, and I saw them at the Greek Theatre in Berkeley on their last tour. I would see them again in a heartbeat, and I will never get over the passion that goes into Colin Meloy’s vocal presentation. With the high-energy promotion of this album, I was expecting typical Decemberists greatness. What I got was something entirely different - greatness, but nothing typical. This electronically-infused record exposed a new side of the Decemberists that I am refreshed to hear. The addition of synth and an Arcade Fire type vibe suits them and the sort of rebranding they desired to achieve. With this album, the Decemberists evolved in a way they never have, and I applaud them for it. 

19. J. Cole, KOD

There are a number of people who love to hate on J. Cole, and I’ve never understood it. With this album in particular, J. Cole distinguished himself with both lyrics and production value. The album cover above depicts excessive drug use, and in fine print states “This album is in no way intended to glorify addiction.” This powerful message alone sets the stage for an album that means something. The subsequent subject matter of each of the record’s tracks follows this narrative - a description of being stuck in the ways of drug addiction. I have always appreciated J. Cole for his ability to tell a complete story through an album despite the lack of a chronological order or common plot in each song. The album shows the deterioration of a drug addict - from the high of “KOD” to  the contemplative pain of “Once an Addict (Interlude).” 

20. Kendrick Lamar, Black Panther the Album

Everything produced surrounding the Black Panther movie was a hit. The power of this movie and the contributors to this album is unparalleled. Aside from the clear message that this media sent, every song is phenomenal. “All the Stars” displays SZA’s ridiculous vocal prowess. “X” is the perfect hype song, displaying Kendrick’s sassy and innovative lyrical technique. In “The Ways,” Khalid’s sweet voice embodies the beauty of the powerful woman he describes. “I Am” by Jorja Smith absolutely knocks the album out of the park - this stunningly sexy track propelled her onto the music scene, and thank god it did. I’d listen forever if I could. I’d go on, but every song on this album is an iconic collaboration. 

Must watch: the movie.

21. Houndmouth, Golden Age

This album is so painfully underrated. If you want a pick me up, listen to Golden Age. Immediately. From the album’s floaty start to the explosive mood of the album’s namesake track, it’s all hits and no misses. Embracing a completely different musical tone from their last album, Houndmouth seizes a futuristic alt-rock cacophony as their new style. Taking nods from 80s Phil Collins numbers (the beginning of Strange Love... come on!), they take us back to a golden age of sorts while also propelling us to a fun future. I will never not dance my pants off to this album.

[infinitylester]

list ALL ur favourite bands n songs idc if it's long i love hearing abt other ppl's fave music

oh boy!! i have...a lot

pvris

i would die a thousand deaths for pvris, especially lynn gunn. they’re by far my favourite band ever. their music is amazing, like earlier paramore!! my fav songs are like?? every single one?? (but some ultimate faves are winter, mirrors, heaven, st patrick and same soul)

amber run

fuck, i love amber run so much. the perfect mix of rock, indie and pop honestly. so many of their songs have the power to make me cry and they’re all so fucking emotive and powerful and wonderful!

some faves: i found (my alltime fave song!), are you home?, fickle game, 5am, wastelands and machine 

dodie

10/10 would die for her. dodie is by far my favourite solo musician, with each and every one of her songs making me feel some kind of connected. whether it be the longing heartache for time in ‘when’ or the scared but passionate unrequited love of a girl in ‘she’, dodie never fails to make me feel, truly feel.

some faves: when, she, intertwined, absolutely smitten, party tattoos and burned out

little image

little image is a fucking brilliant indie band! (i love indie rip) their music is so unique, yet also familiar?? their reendition of ‘fly a kite’ is magnificent and never fails to amaze me!

some faves: fly a kite, prin, walls, 2414, cardboard box spaceship and dear orphan

the millennial club

so i just recently found these guys and they’re already a fave! their synthetic style of pop is so similar to the 1975, a band i love but also just slightly different enough to be their own sound. they’re hecking awesome!

some faves: love is so hard! and give it up

nothing but thieves

a fucking awesome alternative rock band! their music is just...wow. pop and rock seamlessly blend and create an incredible sound of their own. 

some faves: lover please stay, particles, amsterdam, soda, lover you should have come over and their crazy cover

troye sivan

he can do no wrong in my eyes, musically. he’s a fucking genius and a gay icon to me and so many!! his music means so much to me, especially heaven, which helped me on my journey to self acceptance and realising my sexuality. realising i’d rsther be truthful with who i am than hide away under layers of my catholic upbringing. sure, some people don’t like who i am but heaven made me see that maybe that’s not so bad.

some faves: heaven, the good side, the quiet, blue, for him, the fault in our stars, dance to this, animal, talk me down and fools

ariana grande

i loved her as a child and only recently have i came back to ariana grande. she’s a wonderful example of what pop should be like, fun and catchy but with some semblance of meaning and truth. 

some faves: my everything, why try, side to side, breathin, break your heart right back, god is a woman, baby i and into you

the 1975

i only recently really got into the 1975 but i’ve listened to their stuff for a little while. at first, all their songs sounded the same to me but i can now say that’s not the case and i love all their little quirks!

some faves: chocolate (its the only song i’ll dance to. like the only one), love me, the city, sex, someone else, the sound, girls and robbers

cavetown

robbie is just...an angel. thats how im gonna put it. he’s the sweetest angel and music is so heartwarming and makes me feel calm

some faves: this is home, fool, pigeon, another one of those days and lemon boy

paramore

i fucking love paramore...a lot. hayley williams is fucking stunning and her vocal range is just incredible and they’re just a great fucking band! their seamless transition from ‘emo’ to indie pop was simply awesome and i look forward to hearing more from paramore’s new sound!

some faves: the only exception, still into you, 26, fake happy, ignorance, for a pessimist im pretty optimistic, hard times, ain’t it fun, stop this song (lovesick melody) and (one of those) crazy girls

my chemical romance

while im no longer as emo as i once was, my chemical romance still remains a favourite! their music helped me so much growing up and i love their earlier stuff, especially three cheers for sweet revenge!

some faves: cemetery drive, famous last words, disenchanted, the ghost of you, teenagers, you know what they fo to guys like us in prison, vampires will never hurt you, the kids from yesterday, helena and ofc welcome to the black parade

[stayfallentasticc]

Hi hELLO. Hope you're having a fantastic day today! and I hope you don't mind me using caPS BECAUSE I LISTENED TO SCARY LOVE BY THE NEIGHBOURHOOD AND IT KIND OF REMINDED ME WHAT A NOAH X MC WOULD BE LIKE LMAOAKFHJKADF IDK WHY AND IT MADE ME WANT TO ASK YOU WHAT SONGS REMIND YOU OF THE ILITW CHARACTERS THE MOST? Anyways, I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING AN AWESOME DAY <3

Hey, anon! Thank you so much, I hope you’re having a lovely day as well! I’m going to bold the ships/characters so it’s easier to navigate and locate people’s favorite ILITW character. I also linked the songs with their titles, so definitely check it out. I feel like this is a playlist….yikes kinda went overboard

Noah:

“The boy who murdered love” by Diana Vickers.

“You’re the boy who murdered loveCold hands and a heart of stoneYou’re the king of pain and hurtYou encourage my desire, then you put the arrow in my back, and I’mShot, shot, shot, shot, shot like a bullet”

I mean just listen to the lyrics. It says everything. Although, this song is more in reference to the guy being a player but we can also agree that Noah, to a certain degree is considered ‘heartless’ and ‘closed off’. The lyrics of him being in pain and hurt, but still reeling all of us to love him definitely suits him A LOT. I’ll be lying if I didn’t say I listen to this song when I make a short story of Noah. Spoiler: he ends up breaking our hearts. 

Dan x MC: 

“In my head” by Peter

“You say it’s all alrightBut you’re not who’s up at nightThis feels like all a lieWhile you tend to try and hideI’ve waited way too longYeah, I know you’ve changed”

We can all agree the traumatic event has caused a toll on everyone, but we can also agree that next to Noah, Dan is most haunted by it. He can’t turn back now. This song gives me a really sad undertone to it. Dan knows things aren’t the same, and he constantly is up at night, pondering on things. Give it or take, one can also use this song for Dan x MC - their friendship/relationship has drifted, but he so badly wants to repair it because MC is his world. Also, guilty of using this song too as inspiration for my own stories. 

“She is Love” by Parachute

“I’ve been beaten down,I’ve been kicked around,But she takes it all for me.And I lost my faith,In my darkest days,But she makes me want to believe.They call her love, love, love, love, love.”

Can we get a round of applause for MC who helped Dan vanquish his demons? I like to think that Dan thinks that MC is his pride and joy. He absolutely adores her for everything she is, everything she will be and everything she has done for him. I mean, just look at the lyrics and tell me not that this song is basically them. 

Ava: 

“Hotter than hell” by Dua Lipa

“He calls me the devilI make him wanna sin Every time I knock, he can’t help but let me inMust be homesick for the realI’m the realest it getsYou probably still adore meWith my hands around your neck.”

I mean Ava is literally everything, lets be honest. I think everyone knows she’s a bit over the edge, dangerous, but that’s the very reason why everyone in the fandom loves her so much. She doesn’t confine to the norms and she makes MC want to do crazy things. 

Andy:

“Gasoline” by Halsey

“Do you tear yourself apart to entertain like me?Do the people whisper ‘bout you on the train like me?And all the people say“You can’t wake up, this is not a dreamYou’re part of a machine, you are not a human beingWith your face all made up, living on a screenLow on self esteem, so you run on gasoline”

I can’t picture a song that’s ‘calm’ for someone as vibrant as Andy. That boy shines like diamonds. I think this song really captures his failures and his fears and how it constantly runs through his mind. Despite Andy coming off as strong, he also wonders if there’s something wrong with him - he’s low in self esteem. He questions himself a lot. So, he runs, runs until he’s so drained from life. He sometimes feels like he’s putting up a show. Everything is in the tips of his fingers, but how long before they disappear, you know. 

Lucas x MC: 

“BITE” by Troye Sivan

“Don’t you wanna see a man up closeA phoenix in the fire So kiss me on the mouth and set me freeBut please, don’t bite. You can coax the cold right out of me. Drape me in your warmth”

This song captures how MC is Lucas’s means of escape. She can definitely ‘coax’ the cold out of him, make him open up about his problems instead of facing it alone. But as always, Lucas is still scared of what’s to come (let’s be honest who wouldn’t). so he prays he doesn’t get his heart broken in the long run. 

Stacy x MC:

“Girls Like Girls” - Hayley Kiyoko 

“Tell the neighbors I’m not sorry if I’m breaking walls down Building your girl’s second story, ripping all your floors out. Saw your face, heard your name, gotta get with you Girls like girls like boys do, nothing new Isn’t this why we came? Gotta get with you” 

MC has broken Stacy’s walls down. MC obviously is smitten by Stacy and hence wants to get with her. I mean just listen to the song, and tell me it does not scream Stacy and MC (if your MC is a girl) like…..c’mon now. 

Dan x MC x Noah:

“The good side” by Troye

“So many thoughts I wanted to shareBut I didn’t call because it wouldn’t be fairThen I got the good side of newFound arms to fall right intoI know how it looked, it wasn’t the planAnd some day I hope that you’ll understand”

THIS IS THE SONG I’M USING RIGHT NOW TO GET IN MY FEELS. MC got the ‘good side’ and better end of the stick in terms of her and Noah. She just wants Noah to be happy, but she knows he’s still healing - hurting - so she feels conflicted wanting to talk to him but know he’s only going to get more hurt because she’s with Him. She sympathizes with Noah and can relate with him, but she can’t help but falling for Dan. 

“Why did I fall in love with you” by DBSK 

“Why couldn’t I call out to you at all? Every day and night growing emotions. And words overflow. But I realized that they’d never reach you again.” 

This song heavenly influenced my story ‘Lighthouse’. Noah wonders why he fell in love with her. He’s hurting. I’m hurting. Everyone’s hurting. 

Noah x MC:

‘Fixing me’ by Chase Coy

“I’m growing up, I’m working on these flaws of mineI’m letting go of pride and shedding this disguiseI’m facing all the facts, I’m trying to improveI’m cleaning up my act and I’m doing it just for you‘Cause I am broken(I am broken, would you fix me, baby?)But you are perfect(You are perfect, would you fix me, baby?)

And I never thought I could ever be with youAnd I never wanted to change before but now I do‘Cause I am broken and you are perfect” 

MC is fixing Noah. Enough said. MC has helped him in my opinion to get a grip in terms of reality, Noah is broken and MC to him is just darn perfect and he questions how she can ever love him. I like to think that maybe in a different universe, MC is fixing Noah. I may make a fic based off of this song. 

‘Six Feet Under’ by Billie Eilish

“Help, I lost myself againBut I remember youDon’t come back, it won’t end wellBut I wish you’d tell me too”

I actually based off my short story “Home is Six Feet Under” off of this song - the haunting feeling of a lost love. Granted, I don’t think it specifically caters to them individually, but I really think that the aspect of a relationship (platonic or romantic) has fallen apart aligns well with Noah and MC. MC constantly wonders if they can rebuild their relationship, but often questions if it’s already past the brink of repair: the pain and the memories taking a toll on them. Noah loses himself, but all he can remember is MC. 

‘Please Don’t…’ by K.Will 

“I know what you’re going to say, please don’t say itDon’t know why Don’t know whyI want to draw out each minute, each secondBut the empty road rushes me on” 

I used this song inspiration for “If Only” (definitely watch the music video too!). I think the longing aspect of wanting to stay in the moment reminds me a lot of MC x Noah. Noah, constantly, wants to stay in the present - to forget the memories - and just be with MC. MC, however, is already in a relationship and Noah knows he’s too late….but he just doesn’t want to face reality. He torn, and he breaks down. 

“All I want” by Kodaline

“All I want is nothing moreTo hear you knocking at my door‘Cause if I could see your face once moreI could die a happy man, I’m sureWhen you said your last goodbyeI died a little bit insideI lay in tears in bed all nightAlone without you by my sideBut if you loved me, why’d you leave me?”

THIS song hits me in the feels for MC x Noah because honestly, let’s be honest, it captures the essence of lost so much. Noah often reminisces why everyone kinda drifted away from him, especially, MC. If MC loved Noah so much, why she leave him to grieve on his own? Ouch. But he can’t help but want her and she can’t help but want him. I’M CRYING NOW. 

I mean I have a lot more songs….but like…..this ask is getting too long haha. I would love to do a playlist if anyone is interested, but as of right now, these are the top songs I can think of. I haven’t included everyone in ILITW because I don’t have a song that I think connects with them all as much as these songs do with these characters. I’m sorry I ended up doing pairings….

[footballwritersprofile-blog]

Football Fic Writer Profile - Utami (thebluesideofmyworld)

Hello lovely people! We hope that you all are having a great week so far. We meet again in another article, featuring one of the fic writers from the football fandom.

Have we told you before that we felt like there are so many fic writers who were born on February? Here’s another one who was also born on February. On February 14, to be exact.

People, please welcome Utami. And yes, people. It’s her birthday today!

Happy birthday, Utami!

You can find her on her Tumblr ( @thebluesideofmyworld )  where she posts her M/F fics, or you can also go to her AO3 account where she posts her slash fics.

Now let’s refresh our memories about her writing by reading an excerpt from one of her fics

She curled up on her couch, staring at the TV without really looking at it. It was one of her favorite TV shows, yet she could not seem to get excited about it anymore.

Her phone went off. Mats name flashed on the screen. She stared at it for a while, the ringtone sounded so loud, too loud in the living room.

After a while the phone went silent again.

She stared at her phone, thinking that maybe Mats would just be like the other people. Those people who would leave her anyway at the end.

(People always left her anyway. No one wanted to stay with her anyway.)

(Can You Hold Me)

Utami is originally from Indonesia, but she has been in the US since 2013 to do a postgrad degree in Environmental Engineering. She is currently having a massive crush on Asa Taccone, the vocalist from Electric Guest, and spends her times listening to songs from Troye Sivan and Fall Out Boy while waiting for Voltron S05 to be released. She is a supporter of Manchester City and Real Madrid. Those of you who might have checked her blog out would not be surprised to find that her favorite player is David Silva.

She started writing by writing her thoughts in a diary since she was 8 years old, because she said that it had always been easier for her to express what she felt by writing it. In late 2009, she found a fansite for a talent show in her country where she found some fanfics posted there. Out of curiosity, she tried to post the first chapter of a fic there. She ended up writing more and more for that fandom. She said that even though the fandom faded out slowly after the talent show ended, she would still remember it as her first experience in writing fics.

Writing is something that she enjoys because she said that it’s really a good way for her to express herself. She has always had a wild imagination since she was a kid, probably because she loved reading so much. She often has imaginary scenes and conversations in her head, and writing them out is something she find to be soothing. “Lately, I also try to remember what my therapist once told me, that I should see writing as a self-care method and coping mechanism for me, as I feel through writing, I can be a better version of myself.”

Even though she has been watching football ever since she was a kid, the first time she encountered football fics was in 2012. She read the fics and started wondering whether she could also do one. In December 2012, she decided to give it a try, and her first football fic was about David Silva with an OFC. “I cringed whenever I read it,” she said. “I changed the POV every 2 paragraphs, the dialogue was unnatural, and the description was so so bland.” However, she said that it was her fic that was written in English so she felt like it’s something that she should be proud of.

Besides one-shot, she also used to do requests where she would write 100-word drabble based on a song requested by someone. “I love the challenge of trying to understand the meaning behind the songs, then put it into a limited number of words,” she said. Since 2015, she also started writing slash fics. She personally found that it had a different kind of challenge. “In slash fics, the pairing usually already had some sort of chemistry that’s shown through their interactions in real life. So the real challenge is how to put those chemistry into words.” Besides the football fandom, since last year, she has also written for the riordanverse fandom. For this fandom then, she said that there is another kind of challenge, which was how put the characters into her story and head-canon without making them OOC.

Her inspirations mainly come from songs, and music videos. Whenever she found a song that she liked, she would look up the meaning of that song and try to analyze each line of the song. “I love MVs that have some sort of story line,” she said. “Some of my fics for the riordanverse fandom were inspired by MVs, like Wildfire from Seafret, and First Time He Kissed a Boy by Kadie Elder.”

Once she gets an idea for a fic, she will jot down some things that she thought would be essential in the fic in her journal. Music is a big must whenever she writes a fic, along with a cup of coffee. One of her strategies in writing is by making herself write at least 500 words every day. She finds it to be quite effective, especially when she is working on a multi-chaptered fic.

While she really enjoys writing fluff, she said that she can’t write some angst. According to her, real life is already hard enough, so she doesn’t want to put more sadness into something that supposed to be an escape. She particularly loves AU fics. “It takes quite a lot of imagination to put the characters into a whole different set of universe, yet you still have to write them as who they really are canonically. I enjoy both reading it and writing it.” When it comes to the kind of AU that she likes, she said that she is a sucker for Soulmate!AU fic and Coffee Shop AU (Well, considering that she drinks at least 4 cups of coffee a day, we was not really surprised about this).  She also mentioned that one of her favorite tropes is Fake Dating. She told us that one of her fics that she’s most proud of is The Thin Line. “It’s about  David/Joe which is one of my favorite pairings, it’s an AU fic, and it’s a fake dating one. And somehow I managed to squeeze in Fernando Torres to give a shovel talk in the fic.” Here’s an excerpt of that fic:

David looked up at Joe and his eyes were wide and warm. But the look in those caramel eyes were a mix of longing and sincerity and something vulnerable. Joe absently thought whether it was the same kind of look that David found in his eyes. Joe cupped David’s cheek with one hand, gently ran the pad of his thumb over David’s jaw. They were still swaying along with the music but their feet moved slower and slower, like the way the final notes of a symphony faded away before it ended. He slowly leaned forward and everything was starting to blur into slow motion. Joe could see each and every single one of David’s lashes. A little part of his mind realized that at some point they had stopped moving but at the moment Joe also felt like they were inside an invisible bubble, mist and cloud around them. Joe stopped moving right when the tip of his nose touched David’s. David’s breathing was warmly ghosting, almost like teasing, against his skin.

David’s eyes fluttered closed and his hands slid up Joe’s neck, threading his fingers between Joe’s curls. Joe closed his eyes but behind his eyelids he saw the cherry red of David’s cheeks, the rosy red of David’s lips.

In her writing, some of the lines can come in such a lyrical, almost poetical way, even when she was only using simple words. For example, let’s have a look at an excerpt from one of her fics here:

They were close enough that their shoulders sometimes brush each other. But the silence between them stretched like an unbearable distance.

They were so close, Marco could reach out for her hand to hold it.

He didn’t.

(He knew he wouldn’t be able to let it go had he done it)

She never asked him to stay anyway. So Marco left.

(That night Marco dreamt about winning the Champions League with Real Madrid. He won the cup and brought the cup home with him. The home was big and beautiful but it was empty. Marco hated the dream)

(Dream)

Utami said that one of her biggest insecurities in writing is her English. She said that she always finds her grammar is all over the place, especially when it comes to tenses. She also admitted that she felt her vocabulary is really limited, and she often scared whether she’s using the right word with the right context. “But I guess, one of the ways that I can do to improve is by reading even more and just keep on writing,” she said.

At the moment, she is working on two fics for the riordanverse fandom, in which one of them is a Musician!AU. She also mentioned that she has started a Creative Writing challenge last year, and she is considering to continue the challenge this year for the football fics.

We asked her for one tips she would like to share with us, and this is what she gave us.

The best way to improve in writing is just by doing it. It would be much better if you like, really write something, anything, other than just keep on saying that you want to write. Start small. Having 100 words scribbled on a piece of paper is still much better than nothing.

Well people, it has been a great pleasure to know more about Utami. And we hope that you also enjoy it as much as we do!

And as always. Let’s close this with another excerpt from one of her works, that she claimed to be one of the fics that was really dear to her

“So,” James said as they both standing on the pavement. “Well… It was… Nice…” he said, turning his head to look at David.

“Uh. Yeah,” David said, nervously smiled back at James.

His heartbeat started racing like crazy.

Thump thump thump.

He couldn’t do this. He shouldn’t do this. It was barely two weeks ago he had his heart broken. He was not ready for this.

(What was this, anyway?)

( The Color of the Sky)

[bornoffside]

Lost Boy - Paulo Dybala

I can’t for the life of me remember who suggested Paulo Dybala, but someone did and this is it! I know it’s named after the song ‘Lost Boy’ by Troye Sivan, but what actually inspired most of it was ‘Wait’ by NF. Give it a listen if you haven’t already :D

November, 2015…

He never stayed.

She didn’t know what was sadder, the fact that he never stayed, or the fact that she couldn’t say she was surprised anymore. They’d been playing this same game for months now, only it wasn’t a game to her. She always wondered if it was a game to him, it would be a cruel game indeed if it was. Feelings weren’t something to be played with…why can’t he understand that?

“Paulo?”

He didn’t even bother looking at her. Even with the moonlight as his only guide, he would still be able to see the sadness on her tired face if he did.  

“Sleep, Clara…you still have a few hours before work.”

His soft tone was even sweeter than his seemingly thoughtful words, but while he made it sound like he cared, the fact that he had spoken while putting his clothes back on negated it all. He never stayed. She could question it as much as she wanted, the fact of the matter was, that she would never get a straight answer. But then again, what did she expect?

He was young and famous, he didn’t have to answer to anyone. He could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, with whoever he wanted. It was a harsh reality, knowing that to him she was just another distraction, another one of the perks that came with fame…just one on a long list of admirers, hungry for the spotlight.

But did he realise that it wasn’t the fame she wanted? Did he understand that she didn’t care if he waited tables for a living, it was just his attention that she wanted…his love. It was only fair after all, that was what she had given him, what she would continue to give him despite the distance he forced between them each time he left her bed.

Yes, her bed.

In the 6 months they had been…together (she used that term loosely), not once had she been invited to his own bed. Or his house for that matter. It was pathetic, she knew that, she also knew that were it any other man she would have left the very first moment she realised such a thing. But the heart was a fickle thing, it didn’t listen to reason. So she suffered, seemingly asking herself endless questions each day just to try and find one good reason for why she wasn’t good enough.

Naturally, her brain gave her more than one answer.

Maybe I’m not attractive, he can date whoever he wants. He has his pick of women, what if I’m not thin enough? Maybe the reason he doesn’t want to be seen with me in public is because he thinks I’m not good enough. Am I good enough? What if he just pities me so much that he sticks around even though he doesn’t want to?

She didn’t know how he did it, but whenever her doubts started to get the better of her, he would somehow always snap her out of it. It was like he knew she was having second thoughts and quickly decided to reel her back into the web he had weaved around her. She could never find her way out of it, not that she ever really tried.

So when he finally finished lacing up his shoes and walked back over to press a tender kiss to her lips, all of her insecurities vanished. His fingers traced along her jaw gently, and with a final peck he was gone.

He never stayed.

They first met at an event Clara had been hired to plan. It was a fundraiser and Paulo had decided to go as a way of meeting new people, he had only just joined Juventus after all. It was a new experience and he wanted to start getting comfortable in his new home. He would never admit it at the time, but the move to Juventus had boosted his confidence a little too much. The fame hadn’t completely gone to his head, but he was definitely indulging a lot more when it came to his social life. A lot of people liked him, and he found himself as the centre of attention wherever he went.

It was nice to feel important.

Especially where women were involved. He knew from the moment he spotted her that he had to have her. She wasn’t dressed as fancily as the wealthy women present, but she was easily one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. After he approached her, he also realised that she was one of the kindest. A rare find in the life of the rich and famous.

So he wooed her. With flattering compliments and his charming personality…she was hooked faster than he had anticipated. It was alarming to see her fall for him as no other had. Most of the women he entertained were interested in one thing, and he was interested in the very same thing.

But Clara wasn’t like that. He had to work for it, and by then it was too late.

She was ready for the commitment, for the long term. She would be the perfect girl for that sort of life, the type his mother would have been proud of. But he wasn’t ready for that. He wasn’t ready to pledge himself to one woman only, not when there were so many throwing themselves at him. He would flirt too much, and the last thing he needed was the media assuming that he was cheating on his girlfriend. So he never asked Clara to be his girlfriend. It wasn’t cheating if they were never together, right? Not that he did anything beyond flirting anyway. He wasn’t a complete asshole, and he didn’t want to hurt Clara.    

Despite his hesitance to show it, Paulo knew he felt strongly for her. Maybe it was love, maybe he still didn’t know what love was. But it was something strong that he tried to push away. Not only was he not ready for commitment, but he didn’t want to be ready for it. He didn’t want to feel these things, because he knew they would only keep him shackled to her. As a result, he tried to distance himself while she tried desperately to hold what they had together. It was no easy feat to try and hold a relationship together when your significant other was intentionally trying to sabotage it.

Paulo figured that if he made her dislike him, she would end things with him. It was completely stupid, but he didn’t think so at the time. If she broke up with him, then she wouldn’t be as hurt as she would be if he broke up with her.

Break up? You’re not even together.

He would always ignore that point. It was why he never stayed. Staying was something you did with a loved one, or with the occasional one night stand who would slither their way out by sunrise anyway. But staying with Clara meant something, something he wasn’t ready to admit. He wasn’t ready to let her know so much of him, the more she knew the more real it became. So he kept her well away from the place that would tell her the most about him - his own home.

And yet, despite all of his actions, she still remained. She still loved him, no matter how much he hurt her.

There was only one thing left to do.

It was all over the papers. Not necessarily front page news, but there were plenty of articles talking about Paulo Dybala’s new girl. She was beautiful. A blinding smile, with perfectly smooth tanned skin and thick blonde hair that seemed to effortlessly fall into place. Perfect.

And everything that Clara wasn’t.

Maybe that was why it hurt so much to see the photographic evidence. At first she thought it might have been the media stirring up rumours. It wouldn’t be the first time Paulo had walked past a pretty girl, signed something for her and the media came out the next day speculating marriage. It was rumours that sold papers. Rumours, scandals and drama. Which was why Clara didn’t think much of it all.

Until she saw the photos.

The warm smile on Paulo’s face, one she didn’t think she had ever been on the receiving end of, was genuine. The way the blonde was tucked under his tattooed arm, nice and cosy against his side showed how comfortable they were together. But what hurt the most was the look in his eyes. Even in a photo it was impossible to miss it. There were so many emotions in that one look, and Clara felt her heart break at the mere sight of it.

For six months she had told herself that it was something more. That even though Paulo didn’t always show it, she meant something to him. Maybe (definitely) not as much as he meant to her, but there was something there that could grow with time, and he would realise it soon enough. All would be well, and they’d go on happy, right?

Wrong.

It was so wrong.

What was this? What were they? How long had he been with this new ‘girlfriend’, and why didn’t he tell her? If she was his girlfriend, then she didn’t know about Clara either. If she was out there in the media with the label of ‘girlfriend’ attached to her, then what title did Clara have waiting in the shadows? For six months she had had been satisfied simply being with him, she accepted that he didn’t want the world to know about his personal life…then what was this?    

He was giving all Clara had ever wanted from him to a complete stranger. Did he even care that she would see all of the articles? He could have at least had the decency to tell her himself, it still would have hurt, but this was something else. This was her biggest insecurity, and that was a different kind of pain.

You’re not good enough.

She had tried to ignore it for months, tried to tell herself that he wasn’t embarrassed to be seen with her, he just wanted privacy.

You are not good enough.

But as she swiped through articles on her phone, one after the other and each showing similar photos of the happy couple, she realised one thing.

You were never good enough.

Paulo didn’t know why it came as such a surprise to him.

Maybe he was acting like a curious child, seeing how far he could push until she finally snapped. It wasn’t until she saw the blonde (whose name he could barely even remember) and his apparent ‘happiness’ that she had put her foot down. It was only once she left his life that he realised he didn’t want that. He still wanted her there, but…

But what? You want her to waste her life waiting for something she might never have? You don’t want her, but you don’t want anyone else to have her either.

Was that true? Was he being selfish? Maybe, but he wouldn’t exactly say that he didn’t want her.  

In fact, when he saw her next, he felt the doubt digging its way into his mind. It was yet another fundraiser that she had been hired to organise for the club. He had come with some petite brunette that he had met in a club a few days earlier. It wasn’t anything serious (he had a better candidate if a serious relationship was what he was looking for) but she would do for the night. He just needed to make sure he didn’t arrive alone - something he came to regret as soon as he noticed who was responsible for planning the event.

But he wasn’t the only one who noticed her…and this time, the one who approached her was a much better man than himself.

This was the third time he had seen her at one of these events. The woman was lovely, and he heard that her name was Clara after asking around. Funnily enough, his affections didn’t go unnoticed. There was another woman there -Louisa- who worked in catering, and every time she caught him staring at Clara she would quirk a small smile. It was no secret that the past month had been rough for Clara, and this could have been just what she needed to get her mind off of things.

“Go to her.”

His dark eyes had quickly snapped away from the woman who had just slipped out of the classy ballroom and onto the balcony instead. The lady talking to him had a knowing smile on her face, and he almost blushed when he realised that she had caught him staring.

“But…”

“She’s a sweet girl, and she’s in a bad place right now. I’m not asking you to propose, but if you do want something with her, then you go out there and you put a smile on her face.”  

The reason she had left the ballroom was to get away from a certain footballer. Paulo apparently had a new girl now, and Clara felt a little bad for thinking that the blonde didn’t last long. She escaped to the quiet balcony overlooking the beautiful city lights. What she hadn’t anticipated was that someone would join her shortly after.  

Clara felt some sick sort of déjà vu when he had first approached her.

Hi, do you mind if I join you?

Oh, uh…not at all.

I’m Álvaro.

Clara.

She had been in this situation before, and it led to her swearing off footballers. Despite this, he was nothing but kind to her and the worries she had all but evaporated the more they spoke. Álvaro joined Juventus a year before Paulo had, but she had never met him before. Paulo never introduced her to his friends or teammates so these rare events were the only opportunity she had to do so. He seemed sweet, and she was grateful that he didn’t ask why she had come outside. In fact, he focused mainly on her job -asking what it was like, and how she enjoyed it- or on the city of Turin itself. There was a sadness in her eyes that was clear for all to see, it wasn’t something she hid well. So he took Louisa’s advice and tried to put a smile on her face.

In return she asked him about life in Spain, and watched him light up in excitement. Had it not been for some complications in the kitchen, they probably would have chatted through the whole night, but ultimately she had a job to do and he understood that. Either way, Clara left his side with a smile on her face, and gratitude in her heart. At least there was something to enjoy about her night.

The next time she heard from him, it came as a surprise. She didn’t know how he got her phone number (she seriously doubted it was from Paulo), but each day he would send her funny selfies or jokes in the morning. She’d wake up and hopefully laugh at his silliness, that was the idea behind it -not that she knew that. Louisa had given him her phone number, but only if he promised to keep that smile on Clara’s face. He did the best he could to keep his word.  

So life went on for a month or two and Clara was surprised at how good the past few months had been. She had been expecting hell without Paulo. But with each day she spent laughing and joking with Alvaro, she spent a day less thinking about the man she loved. And the less she thought about him, the faster she fell out of love with him. That was the natural cycle, wasn’t it?

But it wasn’t so straight forward. There were nights where it would all just catch up to her, the helplessness, the sadness and the hurt. She missed him on those nights. It was a strange thought…a few months back, if she had a bad day, she’d never tell Paulo. It wasn’t that he didn’t care, but she never wanted to bother him with these things. He had more important things to focus on and she wasn’t going to distract him.

That didn’t happen with Alvaro. He demanded that she confide in him. He wanted to know how crap her day was, he wanted to hear her rant about her latest client, and he wanted to offer whatever advice he could. It was a strange, but welcome change. It was nice to have someone to talk to about these things. She did the same in return, but she praised him above all else. If he had a bad game, she would reassure him, knowing that he was always so hard on himself even when he was in good form. It was a support system that neither of them had anticipated, but they built each other up in way that no one had ever done for them before.    

Eventually she had even told him about Paulo. While Alvaro was surprised that he hadn’t know about his teammate’s 6 month long relationship, he wasn’t surprised that he had managed to ruin it. Everyone knew that Paulo wasn’t a bad guy, but he was still bright-eyed and not quite ready to settle down. He was experiencing the high that they all felt at some point. Still, he couldn’t understand how Paulo could have done that to someone. Clara was sweet, and Alvaro could see that she worried about what people thought about her. She didn’t like letting them down, and he knew it was an insecurity that had only been strengthened by her…break-up.

Soon, 4 months had passed by and he had finally decided to subtly make a move. While they spent time around each other usually, watching movies or simply hanging out, it had never been out in the spotlight. He had never taken her out to lunch, or dinner…he had never taken her on a date. Convincing her was the hard part, especially when he tried to avoid even calling it a date in the first place. He thought the very world itself would scare her off.

She was relieved that Alvaro was so understanding when it came to her reluctance. It wasn’t that he was at fault, but she had been doubting herself. Was she ready to do this? In a strange way it felt like she was betraying Paulo by spending so much time around his teammate. But her mind would always remind her of the fact that she herself had never really dated Paulo to begin with, and he didn’t seem to have a problem with publicly dating another woman while they were still ‘together’.

So when Alvaro started hinting at something more (she almost laughed at how much he was beating around the bush), Clara accepted.

“So I was thinking we could go out tomorrow night. Nothing too crazy, just two friends going out for dinner at a nice restaurant.”

“That sounds an awful lot like a date.” She cocked a brow with a small smile on her face.

“Does it? I didn’t notice.” The cheeky smirk on his lips said otherwise.

But true to his word, he didn’t pressure her into anything. He didn’t make suggestive comments or flirt too heavily, instead he acted like his usual endearing self and she was left wondering if all this time she had been too blind to see just how incredible he was. Their date was the best she had ever had, and with all of the laughter and fun they shared she would bet that no one would be likely to beat it any time soon.

For the first time in a long time, she hadn’t thought of Paulo once…and it felt good. Life went on, and it was nice to finally understand that she was okay, and she would continue to be okay without him. So the next time Alvaro asked her to go on a date with him, she didn’t even hesitate.

Paulo thought that this was how it was destined to be. It didn’t matter which event the team had been hassled into attending, he would always see her there. Not that he was complaining, she looked just as beautiful as ever. But each time he saw her, bittersweet memories flashed through his mind, followed by a familiar stab of regret. Months ago she had avoided his gaze all night, barely even able to force a smile when someone politely complimented her work. But this…this was different.

In more ways than one.

Instead of the usual plain black dress she was required to wear by her company, she was in a stunning emerald dress that hugged all of her curves and the smile on her glossed lips was actually genuine. He only realised that she wasn’t there for work when a few of the WAGs greeted her with hugs and kisses. She had never met them before, of that he was certain…at least he had never introduced them. But the way they all chatted happily showed a sense of familiarity, a sense of friendship.

It was confusing but he didn’t question it for too long, not when his teammates were dragging him over to the bar. He had laughed along with them, but the only thing he could remember the next morning was that emerald green dress and the beautiful woman wearing it.

That was three months ago, now things were getting even more serious.

Everyone had heard about the rumours. Alvaro Morata would be returning to Madrid after his former team triggered their buy-back clause. It was ironic really, the fact that 6 months ago it was a newspaper article that had crushed any hope Clara had of a relationship with him…and now, it was a newspaper article that crushed any hope that Paulo had of salvaging anything that could have been.

Yes, he had finally figured out who she was dating and why she had been at that function in the first place. The boys would always tease Alvaro about how smitten he was with his new girl, he practically had heart eyes whenever she entered the same room as him. The media had also caught on, and the fans loved Clara too. Alvaro was happier than ever and it showed in the outstanding performances he was putting together. Naturally, the fans loved whatever was pushing him to do so well, and a lot of people thought it was his new relationship. Unfortunately, that also brought attention from his former club.

Paulo didn’t know how he felt about it all. He had no right to feel jealous, and he couldn’t be entirely angry either. It wasn’t Alvaro’s fault, and he was the one who had pushed Clara away in the first place.

But that didn’t mean he wouldn’t take it back if he could.

Had he become a new man over these 6 months? No, not necessarily. But he had gained a new appreciation of the woman he had at his side for so long. She would have done anything for him, it was in her nature to try and please others, and he had taken that quality for granted. He would come home after training and realise that she wouldn’t be surprising him with his favourite take away and a movie at her place. She wouldn’t be there to offer a massage when he felt his muscles ache after a long day. She wouldn’t be there to take his mind off things when he lost a match.

They were things that came with a relationship, not the usual casual sex he’d have with women he would likely never see again. He missed the little things she did for him, the little things that made a big difference now that she was gone.

Who was he kidding? He missed her.

But she, like Alvaro, was Madrid-bound.

Two years had flown by quickly for Paulo. It was always ‘the next match’ that he had in his mind, and before he even knew it, the season was over. It was only halfway through the season this time, and Juventus had travelled to London for a round-of-16 clash against Chelsea. They were there early, as all of the players and staff always were, and after making their usual preparations, the teams were ready to go out for a warm-up.

It was there that he had seen her again. A few of the WAGs were whispering words of support to their partners and she was no different. Paulo had almost forgotten that Alvaro had joined Chelsea.

But there she was, radiant with that beautiful smile on her face. A smile he recognised well, because she used to only wear it for him. Now, like her new Chelsea jersey which couldn’t hide her small baby-bump, she wore it for a different man. But she was happy, happier than he had ever seen her and it wasn’t because of him, it was because of the man who was looking down at her with a matching smile and more love in his eyes than Paulo had ever seen in someone. Alvaro was a good man, one of the best he had ever met. He was glad she had found someone who deserved her, Paulo knew that he surely never did.

If there was one thing she had taught him, it was how not to treat a woman. And if there was one thing he regretted in a time where he had no regrets, it was that she had to be the one to suffer in order for him to learn that lesson. She thought he didn’t know, that he didn’t see her insecurities back then…but he saw it all. And he knew it was silly, there was nothing for her to be so worried about…any man would have been lucky to have her. But he was barely a man at the time, still so young and careless. It was no excuse, there was no excuse good enough for ever treating her as if she wasn’t the best thing that had happened to him outside of football. She was, and he knew that now.

Did he wish that he could have realised it earlier? Probably. But then he heard her chiming laugh ring out at something Alvaro had said, and he knew no matter what he wanted, it was for the best.

Yet again she laughed sweetly at something her husband whispered in her ear, and when her eyes absentmindedly glanced around the area and locked onto his own, his breath caught in his throat. He didn’t know whether to expect anger, sadness, joy or something else entirely…

Clara should have known that seeing him would have been a very likely possibility. It had been a long time, but he looked the same, the only difference was apparently in his personality. No longer was he the heartbreaker that she knew him as, at least that’s what everyone else said. Instead he had decided to spend his time focusing on his football, he kept to himself more often than not now, and he was much more selective when it came to the romance department as well. Paulo had grown up.

But despite all the bad, she only remembered him for the good. Even after all this time, she would see the good in him. It was difficult not to see the best in your first love. In truth, she was happy for him. Happy that he had more direction in his life, happy that he was doing so well and above all else, happy that he was happy. It had taken her a while to come to terms with everything that had happened in their past together, but she was well and truly past that. She, like Paulo, had grown up.

While her love had been real, it was also toxic. They were two people who wanted different things, and sometimes it was worth waiting for, other times it was best to let go. She realised now that it was the best choice she had ever made in her life. Not because she doubted that Paulo would have ever grown to have the same feelings (seeing him now reassured her that maybe it could have truly happened), but because in letting him go she had found someone who wanted the same thing she did. Someone who thought she was worth waiting for, someone who she had married, someone who would be the father of her child, and someone she loved more than anything else in the world.

So after overcoming her initial surprise, Clara slowly smiled his way.

And with warmth and fondness she had never seen him express before, Paulo smiled back.

For the first time in a long time, he felt at peace with his past.

[gaymusicchart]

Gay Music Chart - 2020 week 29

Welcome to the Gay Music Chart, the LGBTQA related music videos TOP 50 actuality and most request.

 Vote for your favourite LGBTQA related music videos by leaving a comment for this post on :

YOUTUBE (in the comment section of the video of the week) : https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCz7yfp-xq-b08tD6mAWwclA

BLOGGER : http://gaymusicchart.blogspot.fr

FACEBOOK : https://www.facebook.com/GayMusicChart/

TWITTER : https://twitter.com/GayMusicChart  with #GayMusicChart

TUMBLR : http://gaymusicchart.tumblr.com

 Watch all the music videos presented in our weekly playlist : https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLuIOHxXXNws2s3yjKtG2sa38e7yk4xqEs

 OUT : Todrick Hall - "Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels"

OUT : טליסמאן (Talisman) & הראל סקעת (Harel Skaat) - "רוצה לחזור" ("Rotze lahzor")

OUT : Mabel Matiz - "Comme un animal"

OUT : Manila Luzon featuring Latrice Royale - "ROBBED"  

OUT : SNG - "Corner Store"

OUT : Elias - "Neon Lights"

OUT : ไบร์ท วชิรวิชญ์ (Bright Wachirawit) - "คั่นกู" ("khạ̀n kū")

OUT : Smallpools & morgxn - "Slowdown"

OUT : Nguyễn Trần Trung Quân x Triple D - "Canh Ba" ("Tự Tâm" 2)

OUT : АНГЕЛ (ANGEL) - "Давай замутим" (Davai Zamutim)  

OUT : The Chain Gang of 1974 feat. TWINKIDS - "Bends"

  01 (=) : Yuma X - "Secret Lover"

LW: 01 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 01 (x2)

Australia - April 2020

The music videos shows a secret relation between two men who have both a girlfriend.

 02 (+ 16) : Ben Platt - "Rain"

LW: 18 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 02

USA - September 2019 - from the album "Sing To Me Instead" (Deluxe)

 03 (+ 4) : PJ Brennan - "Bones"

LW: 07 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 03

USA - September 2019

 04 (=) : Melanie C - "Who I Am"          

LW: 04 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 04

UK - March 2020

The ex-Spice Girls member make a queer come back with several songs and music videos with LGBT themes. This one is about self-esteem.

 05 (=) : Javiera Mena - "Corazón Astral"

LW: 05 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 05

Chile - June 2020

 06 (- 3) : Макс Барских (Max Barskih) - "Лей, н�� жалей" (Ley, ne zhaley)      

LW: 03 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 03

Ukraine - February 2020

 07 (+ 1) : Eurovision Song-Along (Official) - Iconic Contestants Join The Party

LW: 08 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 07

USA / international - June 2020 - from the Netflix movie "Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga" OST

 08 (+ 6) : Scott Free - "The Last Revolution"

LW: 14 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 08

USA - June 2020 - from the album "The Last Revolution"

 09 (- 7) : Christopher Sorensen - "Way. Way. Back"

LW: 02 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 02

USA - November 2019

A sweet music video about two childhood friends at three different moments of their lives, who faced the opposition of the father of one of them when he discovered they were lovers.

 10 (+ 33) : Netta - "Cuckoo"

LW: 43 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 10

Israel - June 2020

 11 (+ 11) : Hoshi - "Amour censure"

LW: 22 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 11

France - December 2019 - from the album "Sommeil levant"

A song for tolerance and gay love, and a music video against "La manif pour tous", a collective against LGBT rights in France.

 12 (NEW) : Lady Gaga, Ariana Grande - "Rain On Me"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 12

USA – May 2020 – from the album "Chromatica"

 13 (+ 2) : Will Young - "All The Songs"

LW: 15 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 12

UK - March 2019 - from the album "Lexicon"      

The British singer dares to strip naked in this music video.

 14 (+ 7) : LP - "Shaken"          

LW: 21 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 14

USA - June 2019 - from the album "Heart to Mouth"

 15 (- 4) : Сергей Лазарев (Sergey Lazarev) - "Я не боюсь" ("Ya ne boyus")  

LW: 11 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 11

Russia - November 2019 - from the EP "Я не боюсь"

With this song called "I'm not afraid", Sergey Lazarev shows subtly that you don't have to be afraid to love who you want.

 16 (- 6) : Kim Petras - "Icy"

LW: 10 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 10

Germany - October 2019 - from the album "Clarity"        

 17 (+ 27) : Greyson Chance - "Dancing Next To Me"    

LW: 44 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 17

USA - February 2020

 18 (NEW) : CRIMER - "Eyes Off Me"

LW: - / WO: 01 / PEAK: 18

Switzerland - July 2020

 19 (+ 1) : Bright Light Bright Light - "I Used To Be Cool"

LW: 20 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 19

USA - June 2020 - from the album "Fun City"

 20 (+ 10) : Jessie Ware - "Spotlight"

LW: 30 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 20

UK - February 2020

 21 (NEW) : Guy Sebastian - "Standing With You"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 21

Australia - June 2020

 22 (- 10) : MIKA - "Sanremo"

LW: 12 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 08

UK / Lebanon - October 2019 - from the album "My Name Is Michael Holbrook"

The music video shows the difficulties to be gay in Italy in the 50's, with a married man cruising in the streets and clandestin bars while avoiding police patrols.

 23 (- 14) : Pierre Lapointe - "Le monarque des Indes"

LW: 09 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 06

Canada - November 2019 - from the album "Pour déjouer l'ennui"          

 24 (+ 5) : Stefan Alexander - "Skeleton"

LW: 29 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 24

USA - September 2019 - from the EP "Thunderclap"

 25 (+ 10) : Beverly -「尊い」(tōtoi)

LW: 35 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 25

Japan - November 2019 - from the album「INFINITY」

 26 (- 20) : Sam Smith - "How Do You Sleep?"

LW: 06 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 05

UK - July 2019

 27 (- 10) : Romy, Tanishk Bagchi & Yo Yo Honey Singh - "Pyaar Tenu Karda Gabru"

LW: 17 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 14

India - January 2020 - from the OST "Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan"

This song is taken from the first Bollywood gay movie "Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan" which tells the story of a gay couple who must face the opposition of the father of one of them.

 28 (+ 3) : Esteman - "Hasta Que Tú Me Quieras"

LW: 33 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 28

Colombia - March 2020

 29 (- 5) : Lu Xue-Rui (盧學叡) - "Who I Am" /《我是誰》

LW: 24 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 07

Taiwan - October 2019

This music video shows the struggles to assume your sexual orientation.

 30 (NEW) : Marshmello & Halsey - "Be Kind"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 30

USA - June 2020

 31 (NEW) : Vini Uehara - "4NTENA"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 31

Brazil - June 2020

 32 (- 7) : Yanni Burton - "A Part Of Me"

LW: 25 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 25

Australia - July 2020

 33 (+ 7) : Wils - "Open up Babe"

LW: 40 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 33

Singapore / USA - April 2019

 34 (+ 11) : Kim Petras - "Malibu"

LW: 45 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 34

Germany - May 2020

  35 (NEW) : Danna Paola - "TQ Y YA"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 35

Mexico - June 2020

 36 (- 2) : Apolo - "Otro Nivel"

LW: 34 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 34

Spain - June 2020

 37 (- 11) : Kyan Palmer - "Quarantini"

LW: 26 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 26

USA - April 2020

 38 (+ 9) : Azis - "Who Cares"

LW: 47 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 38

Bulgaria - February 2020

  39 (NEW) : Doug Locke - "Why?" (Lyric Video)

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 39

USA - July 2020 - from the EP “Why? (Lunar II)”

 40 (- 12) : Lesley Roy - "Story Of My Life"

LW: 28 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 28

Ireland - March 2020 - from the compilation "Eurovision Song Contest 2020"

 41 (- 22) : The Irrepressibles feat. Jon Campbell - "Let Go (Everybody Move Your Body Listen to Your Heart)"

LW: 19 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 19

UK - March 2020

 42 (- 6) : Goldnation feat. Sir Ari Gold - "Soundtrack to Freedom"      

LW: 36 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 24

USA - June 2019 - from the album "Soundtrack to Freedom"    

 43 (- 27) : Thibaut Pez - "Que tu meures"

LW: 16 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 16

France - June 2019 - from the EP "Garçon formidable"

 44 (- 31) : Hatari feat. Bashar Murad - "Klefi" / "Samed" (صامد)

LW: 13 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 13

Iceland / Palestine - May 2019 - from the album "Neyslutrans"    

 45 (NEW) : Tom Goss - "Regretting"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 45

USA - June 2020 - from the album "Territories"

 46 (- 14) : Benjamin Scheuer - "I Am Samantha"        

LW: 32 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 10

USA - March 2020

This is a powerful transgender anthem.

 47 (- 14) : Nguyễn Trần Trung Quân - "Tự Tâm"

LW: 23 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 01 (x1)

Vietnam - October 2019

In this first part of probable trilogy, a king falls in love of a man found in a lotus lake. Don't miss this awesome music video, with several twists.

 48 (NEW) : Duncan Laurence - "Someone Else" (Lyric Video)

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 48

The Netherlands - May 2020

 49 (NEW) : Debris - "UNI"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 49

USA - July 2020

 50 (NEW) : Monét X Change - "March"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 50

USA - June 2020

   ALSO NEW THIS WEEK

 Troye Sivan - "Easy"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Australia - July 2020 - from the EP "In A Dream"

 Bilal Hassani - "Fais le vide"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

France - July 2020

 鍾明軒 (Mitchell) - 『當我說真話的時候我感到自由 I feel free when I’m saying the truth』

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Taiwan - May 2020

For his first song, the 20 years old Taiwanese YouTuber releases a LGBTQ+ self-esteem song.

 Tuure Boelius - "Hengitä"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Finland - May 2020

 Holland (홀랜드) - "Loved You Better"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

South Korea - December 2019

 Pol Granch - "Chocolatito"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Spain - June 2020

 Declan McKenna - "The Key to Life on Earth"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

UK - April 2020 - from the album "Zeros"

 alextbh - "The Chase"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Malaysia - July 2020 - from the EP "The Chase"

 Pantherist (แพนเตอร์) – "กี่เหตุผลที่ทำให้รัก" (How Many Reasons to Make Love)

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Thailand  - February 2020 - from the OST "WHY R U The Series"

 Agoney - "Más"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Spain - June 2020

 Isaac Dunbar - "Makeup drawer"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - April 2020 - from the EP "Isaac's insects"

 Nuri Harun Ateş - "Ay"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Turkey - June 2020

 Static (סטטיק) and Ben El Tavori (בן אל תבורי) & Nasrin Kadri (נסרין קדרי) - "חביב אלבי " ("Habib Albi")

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Israel - June 2020

This is the official song for Tel Aviv Pride 2020.

 Val - "Da Vidna"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Belarus - March 2020 – Taken from the album "Eurovision Song Contest 2020"

 Betty BBQ feat. PARTYTIER - "Zick Zack Zwiebel"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Germany - November 2019

 청하 (CHUNG HA) - "Stay Tonight"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

South Korea - April 2020

  GFRIEND (여자친구) - "Apple"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

South Korea - July 2020

 Myylo - "Kissing on Your Dad"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - July 2020

A fun song about a man who tells to a kid he's dating his father.

 Armstrong feat. Sur Ellz - "Truth Machine"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - May 2020

#1 on Weekly Top 40 LGBT Urban Chart (2020 week 28).

 Davis Mallory - "Greatest Work of Art"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - May 2020

#1 on The Gay 100 Chart (2020 week 28).

 Jason Mraz - "Look For The Good"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - April 2020 - from the album "Look For The Good"

#1 on Tad's LGBT Top 50 (2020 week 28).

 The Shapeshifters Featuring Billy Porter - 'Finally Ready'

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

UK / USA - June 2020

#1 on Gaydio Dance Chart (5th July 2020).

 KEiiNO - "I Wanna Dance With Somebody"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Norway - June 2020

This Whitney Houston's cover is the official song for Global Pride 2020 in Oslo.

#1 on LGBTQ Music Chart (2020 week 29).

 annsofi me - "Beauticool"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Norway - June 2020

This is the official theme song for Oslo Pride 2020.

 JUHA - "Lucifer in Love"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - May 2020 - from the album "The Borders of the Mind"

 Neptune - "Tropical Storm"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Chile - April 2019

  Wrabel with Kesha - "Since I Was Young"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - July 2020

 VINCINT - "Save Myself "

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - July 2020

 Anne-Marie feat. Doja Cat - "To Be Young"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

UK / USA - July 2020

 Shamir - "I Wonder"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - July 2020

 Patrick Starrr - "Go Off"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - July 2020

 ✨ spot TV 2020 Disneyland Paris - La magie n'existe pas sans vous (version française)

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

France - June 2020

While Disney parks in the world are reopening after several months of closure due to the Covid-19 health crisis, Disneyland Paris has produced a TV commercial featuring the song "Un jour mon prince viendra" / "Someday My prince Will Come" from the classic Disney movie "Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs", but sung by a man for Pride Month.

 ✨ spot TV 2020 Disneyland Paris - La magie n'existe pas sans vous (english version)

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

France - June 2020

While Disney parks in the world are reopening after several months of closure due to the Covid-19 health crisis, Disneyland Paris has produced a TV commercial featuring the song "Un jour mon prince viendra" / "Someday My prince Will Come" from the classic Disney movie "Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs", but sung by a man for Pride Month.

 Thomas Sanders feat. Jon Cozart - "A Gay Disney Prince"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - August 2019

Both Youtubers dreams about a gay Disney Prince, which finally be a first LGBTQ+ model for LGBTQ+ children.

 Mike Zubi / Mark Scarnander - "Part of Your World"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Argentina / Brazil - April 2020

A gay version of the famous song from classic Disney movie "The Little Mermaid", sung by Mike Zubi and illustrated by Mark Scarnander.

  See you next week !

[jentehj]

On Lorde, Green Light and how I refound my love for pop music

I’m in love with Lorde’s new single. I’m in love with Lorde herself, really. To me, she’s an immensely strong wave of fresh air bursting through the pop genre. A genre that, if we’re honest, we all adore, but are too afraid to admit. We call Britney’s Toxic a guilty pleasure, but really, do we actually feel guilty? No. We know it’s an anthem, it’s a legendary song and we all love it and we all know it. 

But somewhere around age 13, when the hormones started kicking in and we wanted to impress the boys in 9th grade, we felt the pressure to be different. Different from other girls, because girls are superficial creatures obsessed with fake things like makeup and Lady GaGa. We weren’t allowed to like pop music, because it wasn’t real music. And so we all went through a post-punk or emo or grunge phase, because those bands had men in them, and men made real music about deep stuff - not to discredit that phase, the bands I listened to around age 14 shaped me in ways I will never forget. 

And then we were shamed for that too - because we didn’t like that music for the music, we were just in love with the singer with the incredibly sharp jawline or the bassist with the huge arms. Personally, I felt like I wasn’t allowed to just be passionate about music, because my passion would never seem real to the scrawny, penis-bearing, acne-struck creatures that were always a little too loud in class. 

Then I heard a song on the radio. It was definitely pop music, but it was different, the kind of different I’d been looking for since I found out my taste in things wasn’t good enough. Through Royals, I found out that pop music wasn’t a defined genre, it didn’t have to be “fake” or “superficial”, it was something able to engage with other genres and create something new. And it could be about real things - it didn’t have to be about trashing hotelrooms, diamond watches and jet planes. Rowan Blanchard put it into words perfectly last week: it was when I realized pop music could be poetry too. There’s always the Art Bros telling girls that pop music isn’t real, but Lorde’s music made us feel like this was for us. It was made for us to enjoy and not be shamed for. 

This made me fall in love with pop music and female musicians all over again. I discovered a few things during this phase. First, pop music is art. Pop songs are incredibly well-constructed works of art that appeal to people because of their universal meaning. While the Art Bros in 9th grade thought this to be superficial, I think it’s brilliant. When someone writes something that manages to speak to people of all ages and cultures, they’ve made something very special. Second of all, genres are bullshit. I found out that every artists is influenced by dozens of different bands and artists, even by art that isn’t music. I found out that within pop, there were tons of artists who borrowed from the other genres and artists that I liked and they all had a tiny part of me in their music, it seemed. Because of Lorde, I discovered artists like Grimes, HAIM, Chet Faker, Troye Sivan, Sky Ferreira, MO, James Blake, Banks, London Grammar, Empress Of, Florence + The Machine, and many, many more. The third thing I realized was that female musicians were badass. I fell in love with them like the 13 year old me fell in love with Alex Turner’s skilled hands. I fell in love with Alana Haim, Florence Welch, Jenny Lee Lindberg, and Ellie Rowsell, because they brought a female perspective to their music, which I connected to on a way higher level than I ever did to lyrics by male artists. 

Lastly, I refound my love for pop music. I found out that all the artists I loved when I was 11 had worked with producers and songwriters that my favorite indie hipster bands worked with as well, and vice versa. I learned about all the samples from 80s pop that were used in contemporary music and I learned that the instrumental to Rihanna’s Drunk On Love was actually The XX’s hipster-anthem Intro. Lorde’s music had reconnected me to pop music, and I wasn’t gonna call it my guilty pleasure anymore - Nelly Furtado’s Loose was just as much art as alt-J’s An Awesome Wave. I went into kind of a nostalgic phase (during this time, I also watched an extensive amount of Gossip Girl): I dug up songs that had memories attached to them, by Gwen Stefani, Britney Spears, Shakira, The Pussycat Dolls, Katy Perry, Flo-Rida, Timbaland, Beyoncé, Fergie, Kelly Clarkson, Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Justin Timberlake, and all the other stuff I knew by heart when I was 8, 9, or 10. I now feel like it doesn’t matter whether a song is real or not, whether a team of professional songwriters, producers and someone who’s very skilled at autotuning were behind it or if it was written by a guy with a guitar in a basement. All that matters is that you connect to it, or that you can have fun while listening to it, that you can dance like crazy to it and make memories to the sound of that song. 

I became obsessed with Lorde and listened to her EP on repeat in class and on the bus and at home and I saw myself in her, in her words and sounds. And that was so important to me, because until then, the pop songs I knew were about long lost love, about sex, big parties - great songs, but it was all about stuff that I didn’t relate to at all at age 14. Lorde’s music was about friends, fun, finding romance in the little things. Pure Heroine was the ultimate ode to my life, to being bored, to observing the world around you and to laughing until your ribs get tough. While 5 Seconds Of Summer was singing about how “she looks so perfect”, Lorde told me about her friends with “their skin in craters, like the moon”. It was so refreshing to hear a peer collecting the moments that were pivotal to my childhood and express them in a way I’d never heard before. 

I’ve listened to Pure Heroine so much since then, mostly while travelling or doing nothing, and it still sounds as fresh and exciting as it did in 2013. Now that Green Light has come out, I feel like I’m growing up alongside her. I was 14, she was 17 when she released Pure Heroine. It was an album about teenagers and the life they lived, a life I was only just starting to get familiar with. Now I’m 17, and Ella is 21. I moved out of my parents’ house to the biggest city in my country, I’m going to college now, I’m drinking alcohol more often than once a year on NYE, and I’m growing up. Meanwhile, Ella has travelled around the world, became besties with Taylor Swift and was crowned “The Future of Music” by none other than the late David Bowie. It’s a different kind of growing up, but it’s growing nonetheless. 

She wrote in a very impressive Facebook post that she “started to discover in a profound, scary, blood-aching way who I was when I was alone, what I did when I did things only for myself. I was reckless and graceless and terrifying and tender. I threw sprawling parties and sat in restaurants until the early hours, learning what it’s like to be an adult, even talking like one sometimes.” Again, I relate to her situation so much, even though we are in completely different situations. I, and I think many people of my age, spend much more time alone than we did in our teenage years. It’s scary and at the same time amazing to discover who you are when you’re like that. And I still feel like Lorde has this amazing connection to her generation, we all have the same feelings of fear and loneliness and euphoria sometimes, and she puts them into music. 

So when I heard Green Light, again, it felt like it was about me, like it was written for me. Sure, it’s a song about heartbreak and lost love, but for me, it’s also about letting go who you were, about finding out your true self and not wanting to leave the other you behind just yet. Because it’s scary. She manages to make a song with a theme that’s been a pop cliché since forever feel relatable, accessible, comfortable, which is the biggest strength in her songwriting. Her mind has evolved when it comes to both sound and lyrics, but that essential part of her music has stayed. I can’t wait to hear more. 

@lordemusic if you ever read this, thank you so much.

[catemckenna-blog]

Bloody London Character Task 002: Relationships

Mentions: @petalxjones​, @grimreapertaylor​, @newtxgarvey​, @thestrixserpent​, @josephxarmitage​ Triggers: Abuse, Mentions of Drugs

Petal Jones

”It happened again,” Cate sobbed to her friend over the phone, while curled up on the living room floor; bloodied, bruised, and totally defeated. “He did it again.” Her friend, in turn, could have said any number of things that would have been hard and hurtful to hear, but would have been within her right. She could have said that she knew that he would. She could have said that the brunette was an idiot for staying with him when he’d made it perfectly clear that he was never going to change. Could’ve yelled at her for being so ridiculously passive and submissive and naive. But she didn’t say or do any of those things, because Petal wasn’t like that; she didn’t judge, didn’t claim to know better, to be better. “I’m on my way,” she said instead. Because that was what she always did. She came over, and she helped Cate forget about everything else.

Cate and Petal met in their teens, when they were both relatively new to London, and quickly found common ground in both their past shared experiences and their choice of lifestyle. For years, they were pretty much inseparable---for better and for worse, and there was definitely a lot of both. On one hand, they were a dream team; sparkling party girls surrounded by booze and boys and whatever drugs they fancied, whenever they fancied them. On the other hand, they were a nightmare of a combination, constantly fuelling each other’s bad decisions and destructive behaviours. One thing was certain, though: they might not have always been the best for each other, but they were always there for each other.

Which was why, when Cate finally decided to turn a new leaf---to move forward, to get clean, to really dedicate herself to reaching her potential within the Strix---what she struggled with the most was the thought of leaving Petal behind. In fact, it hadn’t even been her intention, at first. Her choices simply... Eventually lead to that inevitable conclusion, when time and time again, it proved too difficult to stay on the wagon with her old friend around. And although it was the healthy decision for Cate, it still leaves her feeling restless and frankly, wracked with guilt. Because she really did love Petal Jones. And they really were best friends.

Quote: “The worst part about anything that’s self destructive is that it’s so intimate. You become so close with your addictions and illnesses that leaving them behind is like killing the part of yourself that taught you how to survive.” Theme Song: The Quiet by Troye Sivan

Used to give each other the world, every bit I used to be the one you'd come to when it'd all go to shit Now I'm left here in the dust With the taste of broken trust

Nikolas Taylor

It was an hour before the club opened, and having already finished her pre-shift duties, Cate was perched on the bar; her entire focus on the book in her hands. Working at Pandemonium came with a lot of perks---access to alcohol, access to drugs, the perfect place to find a boy (i.e. a place to crash) for the night---but in many ways, these brief moments of calm before the inevitable storm were her favourite. Like a view into another life that she could have had; a different version of herself that she could have been. ”’The Art of War’,” came a calm voice from beside her, but she was too engrossed in the words in front of her to look up and take note of who it was. Instead, she simply turned the page and continued reading. “Mm,” she replied absentmindedly. “I’ve already read it twice, but one can never be too good at waging war.” Finally lifting her gaze, brown eyes widened a little in surprise when they met the cool blue hues of Nikolas Taylor, after which Cate quickly closed the book and slid off the counter, taking her place behind the bar. “Mr Taylor,” she greeted, flashing him an apologetic smile. “Sorry, I didn’t realise it was you. Can I get you anything, sir?” His expression was as emotionless and unreadable as always, but for a brief moment, she swore that she saw a hint of a smirk tugging at his lips. “An Old Fashioned,” he stated simply, a brief pause before he continued. “Bring it to my office.”

Nik Taylor changed Cate’s life. In fact, he probably saved her life; by giving her a job at his club, by picking her out of the crowd of people who worked there, by offering her a place to stay, and by talking to her like an actual person in a manner befitting her intellect. It was during those long nights at Pandemonium, when she would come into his office and serve him his drink, and he would prompt her to hang around a little bit longer by asking her opinion on things, that the brunette finally remembered that she used to be so much more than some pretty girl behind a bar. And it was during those conversations, when they would talk about all kinds of things---life, death, politics, philosophy---and he would listen to her and respect her opinions, that she felt the first spark of hope that maybe, she could still be more than what she’d settled for. Because he saw it. And once he saw, she saw it, too.

He believed in her, cared for her; even loved her, after a fashion. And on some level, she understands why people might have misread their relationship, because many people certainly did at one point or another. In the months leading up to her joining the gang, Nik was not only her boss, but he was practically her anchor; she worked at his club, she lived at his place, and when the time came for her to start training, it was only natural that she trained under him as a strategist. And even though Cate eventually branched out---moved into her own place, made new friends, found other mentors, even joined another team---Nik, and the sense of purpose that he brought into her life, were among the biggest reasons that she flourished within the Strix in the first place. She might not be the same person that she was back then, and they might not have the same relationship now, but she would still burn the city to the ground for him if she had to. Because he was the first. And she’ll always love him for that.

Quote: “I guess that’s just part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up.” Theme Song: I Bet My Life by Imagine Dragons

I've been around the world and never in my wildest dreams Would I come running home to you I've told a million lies but now I tell a single truth There's you in everything I do

Newt Garvey

Jab. Jab. Swing. Kick. Jab. Jab. Swing. Kick. In truth, Cate had lost track of the time that she had been in there, practising the same combination of moves over and over again---but then again, she didn’t really care, either. She didn’t care that dinner had probably come and gone and that she still hadn’t eaten anything. She didn’t care that any second, she’d probably pass out from sheer exhaustion. And she certainly didn’t care that for the past fifteen minutes, Newt Garvey had been watching her from the doorway, insisting---in that infuriating manner which only he could---that it was time for her to go home. Unfortunately, it seemed that the more that she ignored him, the more persistent he grew; until finally, some combination of his arguing and her burnout seemed to push the brunette past her breaking point. “Because,” she snapped, tears burning in her eyes as she practically screamed at him, “if I can’t do it perfectly, then why even bother doing it at all?!” After collapsing into a pile on the floor, face hidden as she wished desperately that she could take back that moment of vulnerability, the last thing that Cate expected was for Newt Garvey to say her name softly, and offer her his hand. But he did. And as she slowly looked up, brown eyes blinking in confusion, she suddenly realised that somewhere in between their bickering and their frequent disagreements, they had actually become friends. Without another word, she wiped the tears from her cheek, and she took his hand.

Newt was the first person from the gang that Cate got close to as an official Strix member. Admittedly, they were off to a somewhat rocky start; both stubborn, a little bit competitive and from completely different backgrounds, he could be as explosive as she could be indifferent. But eventually, they came to understand each other---probably even in ways that they almost don’t want to be understood, because now it’s that much harder for them to continue making excuses for their bad habits. As friends, they’re simply too good at calling each other out on their respective bullshit. Like how they both work too hard and push themselves way past their limits. Like how she always comes to get him when his fighting gets out of hand and he needs help getting patched up, or how he would always come to get her after her partying spiralled out of control, and she needed help coming down from a bender; and how nowadays, he constantly reminds her that being in an environment where she’s exposed to all of that is like playing with fire. Basically, they chastise each other for being stupid, but still cover for each other so that nobody else finds out. Their words can be harsh, they can even be a little bit mean, but they’re always true and they always come from a place of care.

People around them might think that they’re fighting, but that’s simply how the two of them talk to each other; in fact, when others try to interfere, they’ll simply get glared at until they go away, because they were not invited into the conversation. Newt and Cate might sound like frenemies, or even enemies, but they’re definitely the ride or die kind of friends---and as bad as they can be to each other, they’re even worse when they’re teamed up against somebody else.

Quote: “He is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. He is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. He is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. He is your teacher, your defence attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink.” Theme Song: Alone Together by Fall Out Boy

I don't know where you're going But do you got room for one more troubled soul? I don't know where I'm going But I don't think I'm coming home And I said I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead This is the road to ruin And we're starting at the end

Scarlett Seydoux

“You’re holding back, Cate. Don’t.” The blonde woman stood in front of her, the very picture of poise and patience; her words neither harsh nor critical, but rather a calm statement of fact. Cate was holding back. Holding back and hiding behind flawless technique and perfectly executed moves, but holding back nonetheless; as if fighting without any real conviction, without tapping into the raw emotions that could ultimately drive and motivate her to victory. Emotions that she knew, that Scarlett had told her time and time again, could be the difference between life and death. Because to survive, you had to want to survive. You had to feel it with your whole being. But Caitlyn McKenna had never had the courage to feel anything with her whole being in her entire life. She wasn’t even sure that she knew how to. After all, it certainly was not a skill taught at the very private, very expensive school that she’d gone to. Tired and breathless from the physical exertion, the brunette wiped a few stray strands of hair from her face. “I don’t know what else to do,” she replied, shaking her head slightly as she focused on re-bandaging her hands. “I don’t want to lose control. I can’t lose control.” She looked up and locked eyes with her mentor, whose next words were as composed as ever; they were clear, they were commanding, and they carried a certain weight that only words spoken by a true leader could. “Being in control is not suppressing your emotions,” she explained, holding Cate’s gaze. “Being in control is mastering them.”

At first, Scarlett Seydoux scared the living daylights out of Cate---but then again, she probably scared the living daylights out of most trainees. For her, it was certainly a fear that was born entirely out of respect, and immense admiration; an acknowledgement that the esteem the older woman commanded was no accident, but rather the result of her intelligence, her people skills and her judgement as a leader. The second-in-command embodied a confidence in herself and her abilities that the brunette had, on some level, always aspired toward; and that upon coming across in another person, slowly began working to achieve. What she found in Scarlett was the first woman in her life that was a real role model; that she could emulate, that she could look up to, that she could learn from. And Scarlett, in turn, found someone in Cate that she wanted to mentor. That she could put her trust, and faith, and above all her time and energy into, with the firm belief that one day, she would go on to do great things.

It was Scarlett who first discovered Cate’s adoration and affinity for guns. It was Scarlett who talked her through her first mission, who taught her how to master and channel her emotions, to use them on her own terms. And it was Scarlett who eventually introduced Cate to Sebastian Cardale, and who---without pushing, or insisting, or in any way implying that it wasn’t entirely Cate’s own choice---put her into training with the team that she is now a part of, and that she loves being a part of. To Cate, Scarlett has always been and still is her go-to person for anything related to what they do for a living, and even for some things that are not. She is someone who encourages, who lends support, but who also makes damn sure that the people who look up to her know that their accomplishments are their own.

Quote: “You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way.” Theme Song: History Has Its Eyes On You from Hamilton

I know that we can win I know that greatness lies in you But remember from here on in History has its eyes on you

Joseph Armitage

”Hello,” she greeted quietly, like she had done every single time that she’d stepped into his shop in the past. Which was, frankly, many more times than what could strictly be considered normal---because nobody, not even Cate, needed books that often. Except if she was being completely honest with herself, she would know that it was only about 60% a love of literature that kept her coming back day after day, and 40% something else entirely. Like trying to work up the courage to say more than ‘hello’ and ‘thank you’ to the proprietor. By now, she was barely even looking at the shelves that she strolled past---she didn’t have to, because she was already familiar with their contents. Instead, her gaze would flit toward the figure by the register, his face hidden behind a book; except when he occasionally looked up and caught her eye, which in turn caused her to quickly turn away again, cheeks flush with embarrassment. Which was a ridiculous response, and she knew that. But something about that boy, and that stupid smile of his, made her strangely nervous. When she finally approached the counter, the brunette had already managed to circle around the store five or six times, thinking that today, she had to at least say something. “I’m Cate, by the way,” she offered softly, a careful smile tugging at her lips. He looked up at her---and God, his eyes were so blue, so cautious and yet so full of life, and depth---and for a moment, she could swear that her heart stopped. “Joseph,” he replied.

When Cate met Joseph Armitage one year ago, she was still healing; still a trainee, still a little bit terrified of the world around her, still learning how to function in society without the numbing, cloudy haze of her previous lifestyle to help her cope. And the last thing that she expected was to meet someone who made her want to let him in. It was as if even though they were both emotionally withdrawn and scared of getting too close, they managed to make exceptions for each other; letting each other into the most painful parts of their pasts, into their deepest and darkest secrets, into their homes... Until they were intrinsically and irrevocably linked into each others’ lives. Now, her things are all over his place, including the keyboard that he bought so that she can practice playing the piano when she stays there. He takes up half of her closet, and he even has a key to her flat. They share meals together all the time at places where the staff knows them. She helps out at his bookshop when she’s there, and goes to every match (and most practices) of the junior hockey team he coaches.

Cate’s entire life outside of the Strix is Joseph, to the point where she feels guilty that there’s such a huge part of her everyday existence that he doesn’t know anything about; because he should know. Because he has the right to know, and because she hates keeping secrets from him, of all people. But perhaps the biggest secret that she’s keeping from him is one that she’s also keeping from herself: the fact that he’s so much more to her than just a friend. Because although a part of her knows how she feels about him---has always known how she feels about him---she can’t admit it to herself, because admitting it changes everything. And because it breaks her heart that she’s certain, beyond all reasonable doubt, that he could never feel the same way about her; and that he deserves so, so much more than she could ever be.

Quote: “’You deserve better,” he whispers, staring at his hands. ‘That’s what you don’t get,’ she says, and she's exasperated. ‘I don’t care if I deserve better, because I want you.’ He lifts his head. She takes his hand. ‘There is nothing better than you.’” Theme Song: Hearts Don’t Break Around Here by Ed Sheeran

I feel safe when you're holding me near Love the way that you conquer your fear You know hearts don't break around here