#i forget she exists sometimes especially if it's real late & i am just trying to use the bathroom bc i am stillnot used to living with a cat

[specters]

got real scared using the bathroom just now bc i saw something start clawing under the door trying to get in like man it's 3am i am not mentally there enough to deal with this... but it was just my roommates little baby kitten trying to break in 🐈

[felassan]

Some DA trivia and dev commentary from Twitter

There’s a lot of different tweets, so I’m just pasting and linking to the source rather than screencapping them all or making several different posts or something. Post under cut for length.

User: Was dragon age 2 your favourite in the franchise?

David Gaider: DA2 was the project where my writing team was firing on all cylinders, and they wrote like the wind- because they had to! Second draft? Pfft. Plot reviews? Pfft. I was so proud of what we all accomplished in such a brief time. I didn't think it was possible. [source] DA2 is, however, also where the goal posts kept moving. Things kept getting cut, even while we worked. I had to write that dialogue where Orsino turned even if you sided with him, because his boss battle had been cut and there was no time to fix the plot. A real WTF moment. >:( [source]

Mike Rousseau: I remember bugging that! And then being told it wasn't a bug, and being so confused. Doing QA for DA2 was an experience. Trial by fire. [source]

DG: So I think it's safe to say DA2 is my favorite entry in the DA franchise and also the sort of thing I never want to live through ever again. Mixed feelings galore. [source]

User: (I personally blame whoever it was for ruining most romance arcs in other games for me; they don't live up to Fenris's romance storyline)

DG: I wrote Fenris, so uh - me, I guess? Or maybe his cinematic designer, who put in the puppy dog eyes. [source]

User: If DA2 had just been an expansion, do you think it would have been better received? There was a lot of great stuff in there, and I think my initial dislike of it was because of the zone reuse. If it hadn't needed to be a full game, would that issue not have arisen?

DG: Hard to say. It was either going to be an over-scoped expansion or an under-scoped sequel. If it had stayed an expansion, it might never have received the resources/push it DID get. [source]

User: I'd love to visit the universe where you had an extra year or so to work on it. You did a very good job as it stands, but it definitely had rough edges. Not just the writing team either. The whole game had hit and miss moments, that just a little more dev time could have fixed.

DG: On one hand, DA2 existed to fill a hole in the release schedule. More time was never in the cards. DA2 was originally planned as an expansion! On the other, if we had more time, would we have started doing that thing where we second guess/iterate ourselves into mediocrity? [shrug emoji] [source] 

Jennifer Hepler: This is what I love about DA2. Personally, I greatly prefer something that's rough and raw and sincere to something that's had all the soul polished out of it. Extra time would have helped for art and levels, but it would have lost something too. [source]

DG: Right? I think we could have used some time for peer reviews (and fewer cuts), but I think the rawness of the writing lent a certain spark that we usually polished out. [source]

JH: Definitely. I think the structure (more character-driven) and the tightness of the timeframe let each individual writer's voice really come through. Polish can be very homogenizing. [source]

DG: I should add I'm not, by any means, against iteration. Some iteration is good and necessary. The problem that BioWare often had is that we never knew when to stop. Like a goldfish, we would fill the space given to us by constantly re-iterating on things that were "good enough". [source]

Patrick Weekes: I appreciate your incredibly diplomatic use of the past tense on "had". :D [source]

User: DA2 was my gateway into the series and I’m so happy it is. I love the game the way that it is. It’s one of my favorites of all time. But I am also aware of everything that was said here. If it were remastered, do you think it would change?

DG: I'd be surprised if it was ever remastered. If it was, do you really think they'd change things? Do remasters do that? No idea. [source]

User: Both sides got undercut as I recall. Didn't that whole sequence also end with the mage leader embracing blood magic? It was very much "a plague on both your houses" moment, at least for me.

DG: Yep. Orsino was supposed to have his own version of Meredith's end battle, which only happened if you sided with the templars. That got cut, but the team still wanted to use the model we'd made for him. So... that happened. [source]

DG: I would personally say that DA2 is a fantastic game hidden under a mountain of compromises, cut corners, and tight deadlines. If you can see past all that, you'll see a fantastic game. I don't doubt, however, that it's very difficult for most to do that. [source]

PW: I love DAI with all my selfish "I worked on this" heart, but DA2's follower arcs and relationships are probably my favorite in the series. [source]

User: As I've expressed many times, I love the game, especially it's writing and characters but, for me, the most impressive aspect of it, in consideration of it's lack of time for drafts and revisions, is the 2nd act with Arishok.  What amazingly complex character and fantastic duel

User: Just played it again and I have to agree. Though he is bound by the harsher tenants of the Qun, he makes valid points about free marcher society. Though it is obvious that he and Hawke will come to blows eventually, the tension builds gradually and understandably

DG: Luke did such a fantastic job with the Arishok I found myself sometimes wishing the Qunari plot had just been THE plot. [source]

User: What do you think would have changed, story wise, if you had more time for DA2?

DG: I would have taken out that thing where Meredith gets the idol. It was forced on me because she needed to be "super-powered" with red lyrium for her final battle. Being "crazy", however, robbed her side of the mage/templar argument of any legitimacy. I hated hated hated that. [source]

User: I deeply lament that there wasn't/couldn't be some sort of DA2 equivalent of Throne of Bhaal's Ascension mod.

DG: I'd have done it, if DA2 had allowed for anything but the most rudimentary of modding. ;) [source]

User: I mean, and I think I understand where you were trying, but how much legitimacy did the Templars and her as top Templar have after they're keeping the mages locked up against their will in the old slave quarters? Feel free to not reply.

DG: I think it's the kind of discussion which requires nuance, and which discussions on the Internet are not prone to. [source]

User: Was a compromise that the quest lines don’t branch? It felt like it was supposed to be that way but then you end up in the same place later regardless of what you pick. Like I hoodwinked the templars so good to help the apostates escape but in Act II they were caught anyway.

DG: I remember us having a lot more branching in the initial planning yes. Most of this got trimmed out in the first or second wave of cuts, in an effort to not cut the plots altogether. [source]

DG: "If you could Zack Snyder DA2, what would you change?" Wow. I'm willing to bet Mark or Mike (or anyone else on the team) would give very different answers than me, but it's enough to give a sober man pause, because that was THE Project of Multiple Regrets. [source] I mean, it's the most hypothetical of hypotheticals. It's never gonna happen. I wouldn't be surprised if EA considered DA2 its embarrassing red-headed stepchild. We'd also need to ignore that in many ways DA2 was as good as it was bad BECAUSE of how it was made. But that aside? [source] First, either restore the progressive changes to Kirkwall we'd planned over the passing of in-game years or reduce the time between acts to months instead of years... which, in hindsight, probably should have been done as soon as the progressive stuff was cut. [source] I'm sure you're like "get rid of repeated levels!" ...but I don't care about that. All I wanted was for Kirkwall to feel like a bigger city. Way more crowded. More alive! Fewer blood mages. [source] I'd want to restore the plot where a mage Hawke came THIS close to becoming an abomination. An entire story spent trapped in one's own head while trapped on the edge of possession. Why? Because Hawke is the only mage who apparently never struggles with this. It was a hard cut. [source]

User: I would LOVE to hear more details about this! I don’t suppose there’s any chance of a short story?

DG: I don't even remember the details of the story, sorry. There was a fight, and you caught the bad guy and then realized none of it was real and woke up idk [source]

DG: I'd want to restore all those alternate lines we cut, meaning people forget they'd met you. Or that they knew you were a mage. Or, oh god, that maybe they'd romanced you in DAO. So much carnage. [source] I'd want to restore the Act 3 plots we cut only because they were worked on too late, but which would have made the buildup to the mage/templar clash less sudden. Though I don't remember what they were, now. Some never got beyond being index cards posted on the wall. [grimace emoji] [source] As I mentioned elsewhere, I'd want to restore Orsino's end battle so he wouldn't need to turn on you even if you sided with him. And I'd want an end fight with the templars that didn't require Meredith to have red lyrium and go full Tetsuo. [source] Heck, maybe an end decision where you sided with neither the mages nor the templars. Because it certainly ended up feeling like you could brand both sides as batshit pretty legitimately, no? That was never planned, tho. No idea how to make that feel like an actual path atm. [source] Maybe an option to go "umm, Anders... what are you DOING?" 👀 [source] And, of course, a Varric romance, because Mary took that "slimy car salesman" character we'd planned and did the impossible with him. I can feel Mary glaring at me for even suggesting this, tho. [source] Lastly, the original expanded opening to the game which allowed you to spend time with Bethany and Carver BEFORE the darkspawn attacked. And, um, that's about it off the top of my head. Zack Snyder, WHAT PANDORA'S BOX HAVE YOU OPENED. [source] Shit, I remembered two more things: 1) Restore the "Varric exaggerates the heck out of the story" at the beginning of every Act, until Cassandra calls him on it. Yes, that was a thing. 2) Make DA: Exodus. Yes, I am still bitter. [source] God damn it, I meant "Make DA: Exalted March". The DA2 expansion, NOT Exodus since that was DA2's original name and makes no sense. Because the expansion ended with Varric dying, and that will always be on my "things left undone" list. [source]

User: Whaaaat?

DG: Well, you know that scene in Wrath of Khan where Spock goes into the dilithium chamber because he's a Vulcan? Well, imagine that but with Varric and red lyrium and because he's a dwarf. ;) [source]

John Epler: I distinctly remember referencing the bit from MGS4 where you crawl through the microwave corridor in the split screen, while cinematic battle rages on the other half. [source]

DG: It would have been glorious, John. Glorious. [source]

JE: I don't think I've ever been so certain what a shot should look like as I did Hawke coming in and finding Varric in the broken throne, just like when he was telling Cassandra his story. [source]

DG: It would have come full circle! Auggghh, it still kills me. [source]

User: Lord, you folks are a little too good at this.

JE: The true secret behind videogame narrative is knowing how to make yourself seem a lot more clever than you actually are. [source] 'Oh, we TOTALLY planned that.' [source]

User: Ok, this thread [the DA2 regrets thread, which is the big chunks above] but Inquisition.

DG: My regrets about Inquisition are, more or less, the normal kind. Nothing so dramatic, I'm afraid. [source]

User: You can keep your Varric romance, I want a Flemeth romance goddamnit!

DG: I would allow for one flirt option, and then a recording of Kate Mulgrew laughing for three minutes straight. [source]

User: I had a hypothesis about the repetitive caves in DA2. They're repetitive because it's Varric telling the story and he didn't consider them important.  They're like sets in a play.  (Okay, I really suspect it was a time/money/resources thing but I like my fake explanation better.)

DG: Hang a lampshade on it, maybe? Cassandra: "But that's the exact cave you were in last time?" Varric: "Whatever. They all look the same, I'm not THAT kind of dwarf. Can we move on?" [source]

User: that makes sense, hypothetically to make Varric romanceable and keep his arc—that had to happen for the main plot—I imagine you would have to make double the content (or more)? which would've been a tall order given the time/budget constraints the game was under

DG: Right. When it comes to "romance arc" vs. "follower story arc", we generally only had time to do one or the other. Never both. Romancing Varric would have meant not getting the story of his that you did. [source]

Mary Kirby: The one exaggeration I really, REALLY wanted, that we never got to do was Varric narrating his own death scene with Hawke weeping over him, then cutting to Cassandra's pissed off glaring at him. [source]

DG: Haha! The one I wanted was Varric's plot where he takes on the baddies single-handedly, sliding across the floor like Jet Lee, action movie-style, until finally Cassandra gets irritated and he has to admit Hawke & the rest of the party showed up to help. [source]

MK: We did that one! (He didn't do any Jet Lee moves, though.) Jepler gave him letterboxing to get The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly showdown vibes while he shot a ton of mooks single-handed. [source]

DG: Wow. Shows how much I remember. [source]

JE: I found it! I remember seeing this sequence as my treat for doing a bunch of much more challenging work. It was fun to see how far I could push our limited library of animations. [link] [source]

DG: Heh awesome. I could have sworn it was cut, honestly. I think I was even in that meeting. [source]

User: no disrespect but that’s surprising and rich of Mary “Hard in Hightown” Kirby to think DA2 shouldn’t have had a Varric romance when she wrote an entire book of Varric’s self-insert character pining over his Hawke insert character… HIH is the reason we had VHawke Summer 2018

DG: I can't *really* speak for Mary, or how she feels about it now compared to back then. I only know how she felt about it back then, and I'm not sure it was as much the concept of the romance but that Varric's entire story would be bent to "romance arc" ...a very different thing. [source]

JH: I remember pushing to have the first DLC start with Hawke having an option to ask Varric, "Did you tell Cassandra about us?" and if you picked it, Varric would answer, "Of course not, baby. I told her you were sleeping with X..." and then proceed as if you had had a full romance. [source]

DG: I still wonder how that would have gone over. x) [source]

JE: Okay, one more DA2 thing. Putting together the cinematics for this scene was a blast. [link] [source]

MK: These lines are my greatest legacy. I want "Make sure the world knows I died... at Chateau Haine!" inscribed on my tombstone. [source]

JE: I was so glad no one said 'no' to the crane shot. [source]

MK: It needs that crane shot. It's the perfect icing on that cake made from solid cheese. [source]

DG: The designers were all "we need more combat" and I think we were all "I think you underestimate just HOW interesting we can make this dinner party". [source]

JE: And finally. I think @SherylChee wrote the one-liner. I think we had a collection of like, 20. [link] [source]

Sheryl Chee: Yeah! Something like that! I remember submitted a whole bunch and Frank said you only needed one. Wish I'd kept the other fifteen. [source]

JE: A random chooser where, each time through the scene, you get a different one-liner. [source]

JE: DA2 is the project I'm the proudest of. I also absolutely get that it didn't land for a lot of people. But I don't think it's inaccurate to say that, in a lot of ways, DA2 defined my career. [source]  Everyone spent a year working at their maximum ability. I was a fresh cinematic designer and was given all of Varric's content, as well as the Act 1 Finale mission. It was a lot for someone who had been doing the Cinematics thing for literally 6 months. [source]  There's some stuff in there I can't look at without wincing. And there's some stuff I'm genuinely proud of. Not to mention, it was my introduction to most of the writing team. Several of whom I'm still working with today! Albeit in a different capacity [source] Also, weirdly, one of my most enduring memories of Dragon Age 2 is how much Bad Company 2 we'd play at lunch. It was a LOT. [source] Every game I've worked on has a game I played attached to it. ME2 is Borderlands. DA2 is Bad Company 2. DAI is DayZ. I, hmm. There's a progression there. I don't know how I feel about it. [source]

User: Is DA4 going to be tarkov then?

JE: I've kind of churned out of Tarkov for now. Probably Hunt Showdown, at least right now. [source]

User: I think people also don't take nuance into consideration -- like I FULLY acknowledge the flaws in my favorite games and will openly criticize them, but that doesn't mean they're not my favorite games anymore??? You can like and thing and still be critical of it.

JE: A lot of my favourite shit is deeply flawed! I acknowledge it and I think it's interesting to dissect the flaws. [source]

User: I still wish Justice was an actual character in DA2 rather than a plot point.

DG: There was a moment during DAI where we *almost* put in you running into Justice with the Grey Wardens, and he's all "Kirkwall? I never went to Kirkwall" [source]

User: Does that imply that Justice was shoehorned in to DA2?

DG: Nah, it was an in-joke where we thought it'd be fun to suggest that "Justice" was simply some demon that tricked Anders in DA2. Wooo those tricky demons! We didn't do it, though. [source]

User: [about templars]  except, I don't think it had very much legitimacy to begin with. keep in mind, we interact with other characters with the same argument. The one that comes to mind is Cullen, a sane templar in power. The templar's side of the argument is inherently flawed.

DG: I don't doubt that many people agree with you, and yet people can and do argue on behalf of the templars as well. My place isn't to pick a side, but to provide evidence that players can interpret for themselves [source]

User: Can you shed some light for us on how DA was able to do multiple same-sex romance options for different genders but the Mass Effect team treated them like the plague? What process existed for your team that just wasn't their for the other tentpole franchise?

DG: Different people making the decisions, almost different cultures. I don't know what it's like now, but for many years the Mass Effect team and the Dragon Age team were almost like two different studios working within the same building. [source]

User: It truly boggles the mind. Kudos for doing demonstrably better on consistent queer representation than the ME teams. Y'all never needed us to make petitions to try to get the studio's attention and ask them to do better by us. That's the fight we're once again embroiled in now.

DG: Honestly, I don't feel like tut-tutting the Mass Effect team. They did their part, and if they were a bit later to the show than the DA team they certainly did more than almost every other game out there -- and willingly. [source]

Updates begin here

User: So what was the reason for naming Dragon age 2 "Dragon age II" and not using a subtitle?

DG: As I recall, that was purely a publisher decision. I think they wanted to avoid the impression it was an expansion. [source]

User: Is there no chance of ever remaking DA2 under better circumstances? -Somehow remove the repetitiveness of gameplay by making changes and updating the tech and adding much more to the storyline. It could almost be a new very exciting game.

DG: I'd say there's zero chance of that. Let's keep our hopes up for the next DA title instead. [source]

User: I am a little confused here, help me out here please! How exactly was the cut boss battle with Orsino supposed to work out? How it would've kept him from turning against the player?

DG: It means that, if you sided with the templars, the entire boss bottle at the end would have been against Orsino and the mages. No fight against Meredith. The end decision would have been more divergent. [source]

User: I do remember that one of the reasons going around for that, was that resources were going to the transition to Frostbite. I'm still not fully sold on that having been a good choice. I felt that more time should have been given for that transition considering it was made for FPSs

DG: We didn't transition to Frostbite until DAI. Given our time frame for DA2, I don't think we *could* have transitioned to a new engine. [source]

User: Since your talking about the what could have been for DA2. Could you say what your script was for Anthem? Cause I remember reading that you wrote the plot on that game.

DG: I created a setting for Anthem and scripted out a plot - but, as I understand it, almost none of that ended up being used. So it's a bit pointless to talk about what I'd planned, as that'd be for some completely different type of game. [source]

User: [in reference to the exchange above where DG said “Being "crazy", however, robbed her side of the mage/templar argument of any legitimacy. I hated hated hated that.” re: Meredith] except, I don't think it had very much legitimacy to begin with. keep in mind, we interact with other characters with the same argument. The one that comes to mind is Cullen, a sane templar in power. The templar's side of the argument is inherently flawed.

DG: I don't doubt that many people agree with you, and yet people can and do argue on behalf of the templars as well. My place isn't to pick a side, but to provide evidence that players can interpret for themselves. [source]

If I missed a tweet, got the wrong source link or included a tweet twice, feel free to let me know and I’ll correct.

Edit / Update: Post update 22nd April

[hxlyhead-harpies]

Ivy (R.L.)

Evermore

Pairing: Remus Lupin x Reader

Summary: The reader is trapped in a loveless and neglectful arranged marriage. She hires her old school crush, Remus Lupin, to tutor her son

Warnings: Alcohol, mentions of abuse, the reader is a mother, cheating, angst

Word Count: 4.9k

A/n: i am actually so so proud of this so um i hope you like it

Your life was nothing but a monotonous cycle of sameness, every day identical to the one before. Every day you awoke to a cold and empty bed, your silk sheets barren of who should be a loving husband. And every day you sat by your bay window with a cup of tea, leaving it unsipped until it became cold. You watched your son stumble around the manor, his tiny legs still clumsy like a newborn foal. You painted or read to bide your time, hoping to make the long hours go faster, but they never did. Nearly six years of this routine but no part of you longed to break free from it. 

You had been bred for this life since you had sprung into existence. You came from a prominent pureblood family and you were taught your place early on. You were to be silent and polite and you must not speak unless spoken to. It didn’t matter your intelligence or wit, you were nothing but a commodity with good posture and acceptable table manners. You were a pawn in your father’s chess game, something to be used for business deals and backdoor dealings. Your existence was for the purpose of your father’s advancement in pureblood society and nothing more. 

For a while you had wanted more, to be free and to have agency and choice. Back when you were in school you were exposed to ideas beyond blood supremacy and submission. You let yourself dream of a life away from your family and their ideals, where you could have your own free thought and you could love whom you chose, but the fantasy didn’t last much longer than your third year. 

When you had dared to voice your opinions one day during the summer holiday you were swiftly met with the back of your father’s hand. Your life quickly began to consist of long sleeve jumpers to conceal bruises and nights where your supper was withheld. You quickly resigned to the life you had always been told you’d have. 

You thought about running away and starting a new life away from the toxicity that oozed from the windows of your childhood home. But you were often reminded of what happened to daughters who disobeyed; you’d be subjected to a life of destitution.

So you did as you were told, obliging to the word of your father and keeping your head down. Of course, you still held your own ideas close to your heart; you didn’t believe in the sickening rhetoric that was blood supremacy, but you couldn’t tell anyone that for the sake of your safety. 

You were seventeen when you had gotten betrothed to Humphrey. It was your seventh year at Hogwarts and you had gotten a letter in mid-march informing you of your own engagement. He was your father’s business partner and eleven years your senior. He was cold and serious. Something about the way he had a perpetually raised brow and a scowl made your stomach drop. You had cried yourself to sleep that night, any remnants of your fantasy finally shattering in the clutches of your fiance. 

And now here you sat, six years later, your cup of tea cooling in your hands as your son asked questions you didn’t know the answer to. Every young wizard went through this phase, wondering why the lights would flicker when they were angry or why sometimes they could do things that they didn’t understand. Your son knew that he was a wizard, but his young mind couldn’t quite grasp what that meant. When you were his age, you had a governess who explained these things to you as well as taught you other things like basic arithmetic and history. You desperately wished that you could find someone, maybe a tutor, who could teach your son. 

Your child, Montgomery, was inquisitive and wild. He was named after his great uncle but detested the name, preferring to be playfully called Monty instead. He was born to be the picture of a perfect pureblood son, but he was wild and untamed no matter how hard you tried. You were afraid of how his father would treat him as he grew, and you were desperate to temper him.

That night at dinner you sat at the head of the table, Monty next to you, and your husband at the other end. It often felt as if there was an impossible distance between the two of you, a distance that could never be crossed. You rarely truly felt like his wife, usually only feeling like an employee in your own home. You poked at your meal for a while, chiding your son to eat his vegetables. In the darkness that shrouded your home, Monty was your only source of light. If you were to go on like this it would be for him. You took a deep breath, preparing yourself to raise the question. 

“Would it be alright if we hired a tutor for Monty?” you asked, “I had one when I was his age and I just think that it would be the proper thing to do.” Humphrey sighed and placed down his spoon, it clanking harshly against the rim of his bowl.

“Montgomery,” he corrected harshly. You swallowed thickly and nodded, avoiding his gaze. “And I suppose it would be a good idea,” he said, “We want him to be top of his class when he arrives at Hogwarts.” You nodded quickly, knowing that agreeing with him was the fastest way to get what you wanted. Humphrey thought for a moment before resuming his dinner. 

“You can pick out his tutor, just inform me when his lessons have started,” he said before going back to ignoring your presence. A sense of pride filled you at his words; it was rare you ever had a say in any of the decisions made around the house and the prospect of having a voice sent a shock of happiness down your spine. This single act of agency was not real freedom, but you would revel in pretending that it was. 

You sifted through ads in the Prophet and inquired with other mothers. You were hesitant to call them your friends as they held the same ideals as your husband, but they were the women you’d be forced to have tea with during business meetings. None of the names that came up seemed quite right. As a last resort, you sent an owl to your old professor, Professor McGonagall. She had been your favorite teacher back at school and you still kept in touch occasionally. When you were a teenager McGonagall tried relentlessly to help you see your potential, but you just brushed her off, knowing that you’d never be allowed to have a career once you were married. 

McGonagall’s response was swift, an owl knocking on the library window only a few hours later. 

The letter opened with her usual greeting, her insistence that you call her Minerva and not Professor. She offered up a name that made you pause. 

Remus Lupin. You could understand why she would suggest this name. He had been top of your class in school and a prefect. He had even tutored you once and had proven himself to be quite the teacher. You knew he was more than capable but his name still caused you to pause.

You had been absolutely infatuated with Remus when you were an awkward sixteen year old. He was handsome and smart and he was nothing short of gentle when he spent late nights in the library trying to teach you astronomy. Something about his hazel eyes and boyish smile had made your heart pound in your ears and your palms sweaty. But you never let yourself dwell on your feelings too much; you knew you’d be married shortly after you graduated and your father would not take too kindly to you dating anyone, especially a halfblood. So you had pushed the feelings aside and forced yourself to forget. Yet here you were, years later, and the shape of his name still caused butterflies to erupt in your stomach. 

You wanted so desperately to write back to Minerva and ask for his address, to send him a letter requesting his services, and to let him into your home. But you were afraid of what would happen if you did. You had spent so long trying to push away the stirrings in the back of your mind and ignore any inkling of restlessness. You feared that welcoming this man into your house would only ignite these feelings to a point where you couldn’t avoid them anymore.

But still, Monty needed a tutor and you knew that Remus Lupin was a damn good one. You sent an owl to Minerva asking how to contact him. 

The first day the Remus was meant to come to your house you were a ball of nerves. Monty was excited, yearning to learn and to meet this new person. But you were anxious about seeing him after all these years. You couldn’t be sure that he even remembered you. His time tutoring you had been brief, though you held that short time together close to your heart. 

You found yourself putting on your favorite clothes, feeling desperate to put up a good front, hoping the clothes would mask your unhappiness. The cream shirt and long navy shirt helped you play the role of a doting wife well, just old fashioned enough to make most believe that you agreed with this life. You tied back your hair with a silk ribbon before heading down to the front hall. You had nothing better to do than wait for him.

A heavy knock finally filled the empty halls of your home signaling you to his arrival. You called out for Monty before you walked to the door and opened it gently. 

You shyly looked around the edge of the door, meeting his eyes. It took everything in you to suppress some sort of physical reaction as you took in his appearance. The years had surely treated him well. His hair was longer now, curlier too, and his freckled skin adorned a few new scars. It was snowing lightly outside and snowflakes sat in his bronze curls. But his hazel eyes still shone at you warmly, and his small smile was familiar and dimpled. He looked older of course, slightly taller and with broader shoulders. He was wearing a beige shirt and a dark tie, a satchel slung over his shoulder, and a stack of books under his arm. 

You opened the door wider to allow him inside. “Hello, Mr. Lupin, I’m so glad you could make it,” you said softly, sticking out your hand. He quirked up an eyebrow and adjusted the books before reaching out his hand. His hands were cold and calloused as he placed his hand in yours, the contact sending a wave of warmth through your body. 

“You can call me Remus,” he said with an amused smile, “No need for the formality, it’s not like we haven’t met before.” You laughed softly at his comment, reluctantly pulling your hand away. 

“Of course, I wasn’t sure if you remembered,” you admitted, “May I take your coat?” Remus chuckled before shrugging off his jacket and handing it to you. 

“How could I forget, charms was it?” he asked. You flushed at his comment but hid it by turning to place his coat in the closet on your right. 

“Astronomy,” you corrected. He hummed affirmatively before rocking back and forth on his heels. You composed yourself quickly before you turned back to him. “Let me show you the library,” you said finally. 

The two of you walked down the hall in silence as you made your way to the room you spent most of your time in. You heard him gasp as you pushed open the mahogany doors. The room was magnificent; books lining every wall from floor to ceiling. Your precious bay window let in natural light and the plush carpet muddled your steps as you walked in. There was a table by the window which you had designated for Remus’s lessons. You had placed some books, quills and parchment, and a globe on the surface. 

Remus’s mouth was wide as he took in the room. You shuffled awkwardly towards the table and his eyes finally landed on it. 

“I wasn’t sure what you needed so I just found a few things,” you said, gesturing to the makeshift desk. He gave you that lopsided smile again and your stomach erupted with butterflies. 

“It’s perfect, thank you,” he said. You felt yourself smile widely as you wrung your hands. Since you had gotten married it was rare that you received a compliment. Even as small and insignificant as his words were, you felt the warm caress of approval anyway.

Before you could say anything else Monty tumbled into the room. His shirt was rumpled and messy, half of it untucked. His hair was wild and his cheeks were red. It was clear that he had gotten into some sort of mischief before heading to the library. He barreled towards you and hugged your legs. 

“Hello dear,” you said affectionately, unable to contain the smile on your face as you smoothed down his hair. 

“Mum you will not believe what I found in the garden,” he said breathily, a gleam in his eye. You raised your eyebrows at him.

“You’ll have to tell me later, Mr. Lupin is here,” you said, nodding towards the man. Monty turned towards his tutor and smiled shyly, hiding behind your legs slightly. It was rare that he met new people as he spent most of his days cooped up at home. Remus didn’t seem phased by his shyness, only stepping closer and bending down slightly.

“Hi, Montgomery is it?” he asked softly, offering his hand for Monty to shake. He shook his head furiously before putting his tiny hand in Remus’s.

“My name is Monty,” he said proudly, giving Remus a firm handshake. Remus smiled brilliantly. 

“Okay Monty, you can call me Remus,” he replied. Monty slowly detached himself from your legs, heading towards the table with Remus. He smiled as he hopped up on his chair and spun the globe. You smiled as you watched them interact, Remus ever so gentle and warm. 

“Do you mind if I stay?” you asked suddenly. Remus looked up with raised eyebrows. “I’ll be quiet,” you promised, “I’ll just be reading.” You gestured towards the spot where you usually read. Remus smiled and nodded. You made yourself comfortable and opened your book. But you couldn’t quite focus on the words, your attention captivated only by Remus. 

That night you laid awake next to Humphrey, unable to sleep. Your mind was busy replaying every moment that Remus had been in your house. How enthusiastic he was about teaching and how tenderly he’d answer Monty’s questions. You thought of how he’d look over Monty’s head and give you a goofy smile when Monty would innocently ask a funny question and how he gave you a lingering handshake when he had left. 

Watching Remus teach became how you passed your hours away. You finally indulged yourself and wondered what it would be like if he felt the same as you. You often found yourself imagining a life where you ran away together, stealing Monty away from the virulent environment of your life. You imagined that you’d move to the city, somewhere near the friends he spoke of so fondly, or away to the countryside in a small cottage. Of course, the fantasy was dashed every time he left and you were once again left in your solitude, waiting for your husband to come home and ignore you as usual. You grieved for the relationship that could never be and the life you could never have.

You felt trapped, a feeling you had been trying to suppress for years. But you were married, a binding and final contract, so there was nothing for you to do. It was as if you were a Rapunzel, waiting in her tower. Only your prince never came to save you. Instead, he was your captor and key keeper. 

Your favorite part of your day soon became the stolen minutes before lessons began and the fleeting seconds after they ended. That was when you could be alone with Remus, learning more about him through menial questions in the name of small talk. He was just as sarcastic and full of wit as you remembered, though there was a certain level of softness that hadn’t been present before. 

Every day, as he left you, shook hands, a task that was most likely no longer necessary, but you loved the feeling of your hand in his. Every time your palms touched you wished that he was taking your hand because he wanted to, not just as a formality. 

Remus’s mere existence consumed you, leaving you yearning for every inch of his mind and soul. Your thoughts were full of his smile and his beautiful eyes. You dreamed of running your hands through his hair and resting your head on his chest. You felt yourself falling in love with him slowly and it terrified you. But there was nothing you could do to stop it. It was as if he had planted himself in your mind, the vines of his ivy covering you completely, overrunning your mind, body, and soul. 

About a month into his teaching you arranged a meeting to discuss Monty’s progress. Remus had readily agreed and he appeared at your doorstep promptly. Humphrey was supposed to attend the meeting but he had been pulled away on business. Or at least that was what he told you. Often times when he was away for work he’d come home smelling of another woman. 

You sat in your husband’s office, just you and Remus. The lighting was dim and your breath was quickly becoming bated because suddenly, you weren’t so sure if you had been imagining the tension between the two of you. He fidgeted in the seat across from you, staring at you with those alluring hazel eyes. They were the type of hazel right between green and brown, the perfect sweet spot that made them appear almost yellow. You looked away quickly and cleared your throat. 

“So how is Monty doing?” you asked, placing your hands neatly in your lap. Remus smiled and ran a hand through his hair.

“He’s doing wonderful,” Remus said proudly, “He’s quite inquisitive. He wants to know everything about everything.” You let out a breathy laugh and nodded.

“Yes, he used to bombard me with questions before you started teaching him,” you admitted, “I couldn’t answer half of them.” Remus laughed this time and shifted in his seat, leaning slightly further over the desk.

“I’m sure you had no problem answering. I was honestly surprised when you sent me the letter, I would have assumed that you were teaching him yourself,” he said, “You were always so smart back in school.” You flushed and shook your head. 

“Do you not remember how you had to save me from failing astronomy,” you answered teasingly, the banter between you flowing easily. Remus pulled back and raised an eyebrow at you. 

“If I remember correctly, it never seemed like you needed much help,” he said. You felt your face heat up. In all honesty, you hadn’t needed help with astronomy. You had just wanted to be close to Remus and that was the only way you had known how. 

“No, I needed the help,” you chided, “You just happened to be an excellent teacher.” Remus met your praise with that boyish smile you had fallen for. The two of you fell into easy conversation after that, forgetting your purpose for the meeting in the first place. You knew that you were entering dangerous territory but you couldn’t find it in yourself to care.

That night as he left you walked him to the door. 

“Thank you for meeting with me,” you said softly, a hint of a joke behind your eyes. Remus nodded with a smile, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“Of course,” he said softly, “Goodnight.” His eyes were rounded and earnest, sending the beating of your heart into overdrive. As he turned to leave you found yourself grabbing his sleeve and turning him around. You were unsure of what your intention was but suddenly he was standing so close, his eyes roaming your face and your breath mixing with his. The two of you stood like that for a moment, staring at each other. Finally, you pulled back slightly, diffusing the tension.

“Goodnight,” you whispered back, your voice slightly hoarse. Remus swallowed thickly, before nodding and leaving quickly. 

The next time he came over for a session the two of you acted as if nothing happened. You hoped that this was because you were under the watchful eye of your husband and not because he didn’t return your affections. You worried the entire time that you observed the lesson, chewing at the inside of your cheek. He didn’t even spare you a glance the entire lesson.

Once he and Monty were done you walked him to the door, as usual, dread settling in your stomach. You worried that you had ruined everything. But when you reached the door and slipped your hand in his for your usual handshake, he surprised you by lifting your hand up and pressing a kiss to the back of it. 

Your life soon became waiting for stolen moments with Remus. Tentatively tangling fingers in a hallway before Monty rumbled down the stairs. There was so much you learned about him, but you could tell there was something he was holding back. There was an ever-present sadness in his eyes that made your heart break. He seemed cursed, as if there was something dark lurking underneath the surface. But he never shared too much with you. 

You scheduled your next meeting several weeks later and you waited for it impatiently, longing for moments alone with the man whom you loved. But unfortunately, luck was not on your side. Humphrey, who was supposed to be busy, had decided to join you. So he sat in the big chair while you stood behind him, your head down and your hands clasped behind your back. 

Remus sat uncomfortably in his chair, sneaking glances at you when your husband wasn’t looking. You were aware of how submissive and deferential you must have looked. You had never wanted Remus to see you like this, to see how truly trapped you were. You were afraid he’d pull away and realize that loving you was futile as you had no way to escape the shackles of your marriage. You longed to look into those hazel eyes and pretend that everything would be alright. But instead, your husband placed a rough hand on your arm and told you that it was time for the men to talk. 

You sat in the library and worried, afraid that Humphrey had somehow found out and was trying to confront Remus. But truly, what was there to find out? All there had been were lingering gazes and grazing touches of hands. You hadn’t dared to kiss him or even make it known how you felt. 

But when the meeting was over you watched Humphrey give Remus a cordial handshake and thank him for his services. Remus glanced at you for a split second, but his gaze quickly moved past you as if you weren’t even there. 

You feared that everything had been ruined. That he’d realize that you were too broken and too chained to be loved. But the next moment you had alone with him, he pulled you into a bone-crushing hug, the most contact the two of you had ever shared.

“He can’t treat you like that,” he murmured into your hair. You let out a shaky breath, holding back tears, and pressing a soft kiss to his shoulder. 

“He’s my husband, that’s how it’s supposed to be,” you replied. Remus pulled back and cupped your face. 

“No, it’s not. You deserve to be loved, not manhandled,” he said, his voice filled with a soft determination. You smiled sadly at him. 

“That’s how it’s supposed to be for women like me,” you said softly. Remus leaned forward and pressed his forehead against yours.

“He’s not worthy of you,” he whispered. You closed your eyes and sighed. 

“I don’t have a choice. I never did,” you murmured. 

Tentatively, Remus pressed his lips against yours. The kiss started out soft, his chapped lips moving gently against yours. Your mind was spinning and your legs went weak, this moment feeling like a dream. The way his hand was in your hair, cradling your head, and the way your body was flushed against his felt like something out of a fantasy. But soon, the kiss became more heated and more desperate, Remus’s lips pressed harshly against your mouth. When he finally pulled away you were breathless and dizzy, wishing that you could grab him by the collar and pull him back down. 

“You always have a choice,” he said, his voice gravelly as he whispered in your ear. And with that, he detached himself from your embrace and entered the library. 

As winter slowly turned to spring you spent every waking moment thinking of Remus and how you wished you could be with him instead. Your secret meetings became more frequent, filled with desperate kisses and unspoken confessions. The words often burned at the back of your throat, begging to escape and profess your feelings. You desperately wanted to tell him that you were irrevocably in love with him and you longed to know if he felt the same. But you knew that once those words spilled from your lips you could never take them back and things could never stay the same. But suddenly, you wished that things would finally change. 

You were often kept up at night with the fear that Humphrey would find out. That he’d catch a quick kiss in a darkened hallway or finally notice how Remus’s eyes lingered on you. You knew that if he found out you’d be on the receiving end of some unspeakable punishment. But you feared not only for your safety but the safety of your love as well. Humphrey was a scary man when he was angry, and you dreaded what your husband would do to Remus. 

On a brisk spring night, you sat in the study with Remus, an open bottle of wine on the desk. Humphrey was away on business so you took it upon yourself to schedule another “meeting” with Remus. He now sat at the desk and you stood between his legs, a bright smile stretched across your face. You sipped from your glass, reveling in the taste. It was an expensive bottle that Humphrey had imported from France and you knew that you weren’t supposed to drink it. 

Remus’s hand was settled on your hip as you talked, your faces so close that your lips almost touched as you spoke. You longed for moments like these, where you could bask in his affections unashamedly, without fearing getting caught. 

He brushed a stray hand of hair from your face and you suddenly became more somber, desperately staring into his eyes, your lip trembling slightly. His eyes furrowed as he sensed your mood change. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked softly. 

“Take me away from this place,” you pleaded, “Please.” Remus let out a trembling breath, his expression falling into one similar to yours. 

“You know that I can’t,” he whispered. You shook your head frantically, clutching the front of his shirt in your fists. 

“Yes, you can,” you said, “You, me, and Monty, we can all run away together.” Remus shook his head and looked away.

”No, we can’t,” he breathed. You felt tears pool in your eyes as you tried to convince him.

“Yes, we can! Monty adores you and I-” you took a deep breath, “and I love you.” You looked at him defiantly and unflinching, never surer of any statement in your life. Remus froze and stared at you, his mouth agape. 

“You don’t love me, you can’t,” he replied. 

“I do Remus,” you said softly, your grip on his clothes loosening. 

“You can’t. I’m poor and I’m-” he paused, seemingly trying to gather his words. “I’m ill,” he finally settled upon, “I can’t take care of you.” You cupped his cheek and shook your head. 

“I don’t care about any of that,” you whispered, “And you’d take far better care of me than he does. You already do.” Remus sighed before pressing a burning kiss to your lips. 

“When does Humphrey get back?” he asked as he pulled back. 

“Two days,” you answered. Remus closed his eyes, mulling something over. He finally leaned over, kissing your forehead lightly before speaking. 

“Go pack your bags,” he whispered. You smiled at him before turning to leave the room, ready to grab your and Monty’s essentials. But before you could leave he grabbed your sleeve, spinning you around to face him. Your faces were so close you could feel his breath fan across your face. 

“I love you,” he murmured softly. You simply smiled before grabbing your bags and gently waking Monty, preparing to break out of the tower that confined you. Ready to live the life you had always wanted with the man that you loved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taglist:

@theweasleysredhair @spn-marvel-nerd @gloryekaterina @mytreec​@levylovegood @inglourious-imagines​ @whatwoulddracodo​ @pattinsons-films​ @lunalovegxxd​@kashishwrites @wonderful-writer​ @accio-prozac​ @sarcasticallywitty15​ @lawsandother​ @teheharrypotter​ @hannolannno​ @flowercrownchic​ @chaoticgirl04​ @kiwi-sloan​ @miss-fuck-the-world​ @durmstrange​ @aspiringsloth20​ @breadqueen95​ @ellyseveronica​ @layaa-layaaa​ @ultrabuzzlightyear​ @missswriter​ @camreid​ @emcchi​ @ari-stoteles​ @missmulti​ @tinylumpiaa​ @m1rkw00dpr1ncess​ @letsloveimagines​ @celesteweasley​

add yourself here

[nhlandotherimagines]

Family isn’t Always Blood- Part 1 Elias Pettersson x Fem!OC

Masterlist | Part 2 | Part 3 |

Summary: Kinsey Waters, has never known family. Not a good one anyway. So when her boyfriend, Elias Pettersson, his family, and friends all start making comments about the pair starting a family of their own, she panics. Can she even be a good mother? What if she can’t? Will Elias leave her?

Author’s Notes: So here we go with Part 1! This will be a 3 part series, and it’s very self indulgent, so I hope some of you can also enjoy it! Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated! Thank You!

Word Count: approx. 4.4 k

Warnings: talks of divorce, absent parents, mentions of children/pregnancy, briefly implied sexual acts (nothing too spicy I promise), some strong language at times, self doubt and negative self-talk, some fluff too of course! Baby fever maybe? If there is anything else I should be adding here please let me know!!

———

Sometimes life isn’t fair. Maybe most of the time even. I often wonder what I did to deserve the life I’ve been given. Why I was born into a family devoid of love, why my parents would bring a child into the world to live their life yearning for their mother’s affection, and why a broken family is all I would ever see. These questions continue to plague my mind to this day, but at least now I can say I know a loving family is something that can, and does, exist. 

A real family exists in the form of the Pettersson’s. At first, I was jealous of my boyfriend’s upbringing, and if I’m honest, I still am to a certain extent. Elias cares so deeply for everyone. His teammates, his friends, his brother, his parents, and honestly just everyone he meets. Including me. Although it has been hard to accept that someone with no obligation to, actually cares about me, Elias does his best to show me every day.

I watch from the opposite side of the room as Elias FaceTimes his family, and a sad smile forms on my lips. His voice is gentle, yet excited, as he speaks animatedly to his family in Swedish. His mom, Irene, obviously gushing over her son, has tears stinging my eyes. I haven’t spoken to my mother in years, not that I want to talk to her, but watching how Elias’ eyes light up as soon as he sees her, has me wishing I had someone like that. Anyone really.

“She’s coming to visit next month.” Elias smiles, placing a gentle kiss to my hairline, pulling me from my thoughts. “She is excited to meet you in person.”

“I’m excited to meet her too! Did you tell her to bring the photo albums?” I tease with a wink, earning a chuckle from Elias.

“Don’t you worry, even if she forgets them, odds are she will try and smuggle you back to Sweden with her! She’s going to love you.” he smiles against my lips as he places a sweet kiss to them. I let the stress of meeting his mother melt away as he kisses me. Maybe it won’t be so bad.

------

“Elias cares for you a lot.” Irene speaks softly from her seat next to me. The other family and friends buzzing around during warmups, absolutely oblivious to the nerves that have been coursing through me from the moment I stepped into the rink. 

“I care for him too. He is a great man, you did a fantastic job raising him.” I smile at her, hoping she hears the sincerity in my compliment.

“He is wonderful.” She pauses, looking down to the ice watching as her son interacts with the fans. I follow her gaze, and watch as Elias interacts with a little girl. A wide grin on his face as he throws a puck over the glass to her. My heart flutters and I can’t fight the smile forming on my face. “He will make a fantastic father.” 

Her words cause a wave of nausea to rip through me, and I’m glad she is so focused on her son. Elias and I haven’t spoken about children or the future much at all yet. I’m sure he would make a great father, there is no doubt in my mind. Me on the other hand? I’m sure I would be a poor excuse for a mother. 

It’s not even that I don’t want kids. I love them, and I’d love to have a tiny little forever friend, but I can’t. You see, to become a good writer all I had to do was read the work of as many talented writers as possible, and from them I learned how to be a good writer. Therefore it would make sense that, to be a good mother, one would have to learn from a good mother. Something that I have not had the pleasure of knowing.

I don’t respond to Irene’s comment, but she doesn’t seem to notice. She also doesn’t notice how uneasy I am for the entire game, and for that I am thankful. 

Her son however, knows me much better. “What’s wrong?” He asks the moment we are alone in his bedroom that evening after the game. Of course he can tell, I’ve been off all night. I shake my head as I change into a pair of shorts and one of his hoodies. “Kins, come on. What did she say to you?” His voice is pleading now.

“Elias, it’s nothing I promise. Your mother is fantastic, I love her.” I smile over my shoulder at him as I make my way into the bathroom to wash off my makeup. Elias is hot on my heels, and he leans against the counter beside me. 

“So why are you acting so…” he pauses, frustration evident in his voice as he searches for the right word to use. “Weird?”

I let out a long sigh, and dry off my face before stepping into him. Wrapping my arms around his neck I give him a sad smile and take a deep breath. “She made a comment about how you were going to make a great father.” His hands that had fallen to my hips, give a quick reassuring squeeze.

“Okay, and did that bother you?” He asks, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“I mean I guess a little. I don’t know! She’s right, you would make a great father. It just felt like a lot of pressure I guess.” I want to say so much more. Tell him I don’t think I will be the one who makes him a father, but I’m too scared. I’m scared that me not wanting to give him children will be the end of this. 

“We are only young. She just loves babies!” He chuckles pulling me tighter to him. “We won’t be having them tomorrow or anything!” His comments do little to ease my mind, but he’s trying. I place a gentle kiss to his lips, and as I pull away a mischievous smile stares back at me.

“What?” I giggle, knowing he’s got something up his sleeve.

“We could always practice the act of baby making.” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, and I swat at his chest.

“Elias! Your mother is down the hall, get your head out of the gutter!” We are both laughing now, and Elias’ smile melts my heart. He always knows exactly how to make me feel better, I have no idea where I’d be without him.

“Guess we'll just have to be quiet!” Before I can even respond, Elias is lifting me into the air. My legs instinctively wrap around his waist, a squeal escaping my lips. Elias’ lips meet mine in an attempt to silence me, and before I know it he’s laying me back on his bed. “I love you Kinsey.” He is looking right at me, and the emotion behind his eyes is enough to have tears springing to my own.

“I love you too Elias.”

------

“Isn’t she beautiful?” The look on Elias’ face has my heart fluttering. Wrapped up in his arms is the newest addition to the Horvat family, Ava, a beautiful little girl. 

“She’s stunning, just like her Momma.” I smile over at Holly, trying to contain the fear wracking my body. Holly is such a great mom, and watching Elias holding the little girl so gently, has me wishing I was half the woman Holly was.

“You two next?” Bo chirps from his spot on the couch. Although meant in good nature, his words have my blood running cold. I don’t know if I can respond without vomiting, but thankfully Elias speaks so I don’t have to.

“I don’t think so.” He laughs, eyes never leaving the girl whose tiny fingers are now wrapped around his index finger. The sigh that leaves me after his response catches Holly’s attention, but she chooses to not question it.

“Excuse me.” I whisper, feeling a fresh wave of nausea, as I get up in search of the washroom. Talking about having kids, watching Elias being so perfect with Bo’s baby, the whole situation has my stomach churning. The thought of us not working out, because I don’t want to have babies with him is the last thing that crosses my mind before the contents of my stomach are finding their way back up my throat.

After I manage to pick myself up off the tiled bathroom floor, I rinse my mouth, wash my face, and take a good look in the mirror. The bags under my are the darkest they’ve been for months, and I look like shit to say the least. 

Running my fingers through my hair quickly I step out of the bathroom, only to be met by a very concerned Holly. “Are you okay?” She asked, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder. 

“I’m alright Holly, just haven’t been sleeping well for the last couple weeks.” The excuse falls quickly from my lips, and honestly there is a lot of truth to it. It’s been almost two full weeks of restlessness, and it’s getting old quickly. The nights spent in Elias’ apartment, consist of him asking what was wrong, and honestly I didn’t have an answer. I still don’t.

Holly nods in understanding, and I have no doubt she understands. The woman had just been pregnant for 9 months, and she also has a toddler running around. “I hope Bo’s comment didn’t upset you, he’s just teasing.” She adds, searching my face likely for a sign that she is right about what upset me.

“It’s fine really, it just seems to be coming up a lot lately. It’s not something Elias and I have talked about very seriously yet though.” Sure, maybe that was too much information to unload on a woman I hardly knew, but I already felt a bit of the weight lifting from my shoulders.

“Maybe it’s something you should talk about, especially if it makes you so upset to think about.” The smile she sends me is sympathetic, and I can tell she knows there is more to the story. 

Thankfully though, she doesn’t press any further and turns back towards the living room. I follow closely behind her watching my feet as we walk. Holly stops short of the living room however, and I walk into her back. “Wha-“ I start to question her, but as I lift my head she stares back at me with a finger pressed to her lips. The confusion must be evident on my face, because before I can even question the action she is nodding her head towards the two men in the living room.

“She’s a good one Petey.” Bo smiles at Elias who now has the baby cradled against his chest.

“She’s perfect Bo, my Mom loves her.” As I quickly realize that I’ve become the topic of conversation, my cheeks heat in embarrassment.

I feel the urge to run away, interrupt them, or maybe just cover my ears. Anything really, because I wasn’t meant to hear this conversation. With Bo’s next question though, I’m unable to do any of those things. Instead I stand frozen. “And what about you? Do you love her?”

Yes, Elias and I have said those three words to each other many times. However, never in front of his teammates, and a part of me wonders if he just told me what he thought I wanted to hear. “Honestly Bo,” the unsure breath that leaves Elias has my heart racing, “I didn’t know I could love someone this much.”

I hadn’t felt the tear slip down my cheek until it hit the hand that was now covering my mouth. I quickly wipe it away, and attempt to compose myself before anyone sees. Maybe it’s hormones, or maybe it’s just how intensely I feel for Elias, but I’m not normally this emotional.

As Elias lifts his gaze from the small girl on his chest, his eyes find mine. A smile breaks across my face, and the whole world seems to stop. For a moment I see it clearly, this isn’t Bo and Holly’s home anymore, it’s ours. The baby on Elias’ chest isn't a Horvat, it’s a Pettersson. It’s our baby. For a small moment I let myself live in that fantasy, allowing the desire of living that perfect life with Elias to grow. 

It’s Holly’s voice that pulls me out of it, “Well I’m sure this little one is getting hungry, and I bet you could use a break as well Petey.” Holly carefully scoops the baby out of Elias’ arms, and he stands from his seat walking towards me. His hand finds my waist as I watch Holly, Bo and the baby interact. The moment feels so personal I feel bad for watching, but I can’t look away. It’s moments like that, two parents totally in love and caring so deeply for their child, that I have always craved. Parents that put their children before all else, and want nothing more than for them to succeed? For me, that’s only ever been a dream. Something only found in movies and books. The reason I will never cut it as a mother.

———-

“Thank you so much for doing this you guys!” 

Somehow I had let Elias talk me into babysitting Ava while Bo and Holly went on a date night. Thankfully, their eldest, Gunnar, would be staying with one of his friends tonight, because one baby to look after was enough. Not to mention I’ve been sick to my stomach all day, likely just with the thought of being responsible for a baby. “It’s not a problem! You two deserve a night off, go have fun!” 

Holly smiles, handing me a bag of things as she tells me everything I’ll need to know about when Ava will need to sleep and eat. I mentally take note of all the information and usher the couple out the door. Once they’ve left, I make my way to the kitchen to prepare a bottle for Ava. 

When it’s ready, I walk into the living room to find Elias shuffling around the room with Ava in his arms. He’s pointing at pictures on the mantle, and speaking gently to her in Swedish. “I hate to interrupt, but I think it’s time for a bottle.” I smirk, shaking the bottle in the air as Elias turns toward me.

With a small smirk, Elias settles himself into the armchair, positioning Ava so he can give her the bottle. I hand it over to him and sit on the arm of the chair beside him, threading my fingers through his blonde hair. He hums in approval as Ava begins drinking the bottle. We stay like that, Ava happily drinking in his arms, Elias holding the bottle smiling fondly down at her, and me playing with Elias’ hair and watching them both. 

He’s so happy like this. So happy in fact that I can’t help but wonder if hockey is really what Elias was made for. Sure, he’s wonderful at it, one of the best there is obviously. I’m almost certain now though, Elias was made to be a father. The way he holds this baby like he’d give the world to protect her, and she’s not even his own blood, has tears forming in my eyes. 

“Kins?” Elias speaks softly, still not having removed his eyes from Ava who is struggling to stay awake. I hum in response, and he finally lifts his head. “Why don’t you want kids?”

This certainly isn’t how I expected to have this conversation. I have never told him I didn’t want kids. “How do you know I don’t want them?” I ask, my voice definitely giving away how nervous I am.

“Every time someone brings up the idea of us having children you get all in your head.” He sends me a sad smile, and although he isn’t trying to sound disappointed, it’s not hard to tell he is.

“I’m just not ready for kids.” The look Elias sends me definitely says he doesn’t believe me, and he wants me to elaborate, but I don’t. Instead I notice Ava has fallen asleep, and use that as an excuse to change the subject. “I’ll go put her to bed, why don’t you go have your shower now?”

As I carefully lift Ava from his arms, Elias watches me closely. It’s evident he wants to say something, but decides against it. 

As Elias heads off to the bathroom, I carry Ava down the hall and place her gently in the bassinet. She hardly stirs, and I take a moment to admire just how beautiful she is. She seems bigger now in the small bassinet, than she did in Elias’ arms. The thought has me crying as I lean against the wall. Elias, the man I’m sure is the love of my life, was made to be a father. I on the other hand, am the furthest thing from being capable of becoming a good mom. Once again, I’m painfully aware of just how unfair this is to Elias. He will have to leave me eventually, and now that he is obviously aware of the fact I don’t want children it’ll likely be sooner rather than later.

“Kinsey, baby, what’s wrong?” His presence startles me, and I quickly wipe the tears from my face.

“Nothing, I’m fine.” I whimper, my voice completely contradicting my statement. His arms are wrapped around me in an instant, and I push my face into his chest crying harder now. My body shakes against his, as he whispers, what I assume to be comforting words in Swedish.

“Y-you’re going to make such a great dad someday.” I’m sure I look a mess now as I lift my head from his chest to look at him. He smiles down at me, though it’s not hard to tell he is fighting off tears of his own.

“And you’ll be an amazing mother.” He’s trying to comfort me, but his statement has the exact opposite effect. 

I shake my head, a whole new batch of tears falling down my cheeks. “That’s the thing though- I won’t. I’m not made to be a parent, not like you are.” His soft expression has a wave of nausea rolling over me as I push away from him. “I’m sorry.”

Elias calls after me in a whisper yell, as to not wake the baby, but I’m too busy trying not to get sick to even acknowledge him. As soon as I make it to the bathroom, I collapse to my knees. Once again emptying the contents of my stomach, cursing myself for my weak stomach as more tears fall down my face. 

I’ve always been like this, as soon as my anxiety or fears get the better of me I get physically sick. Something my mother would scold me for constantly, saying it was for attention. Maybe there was some truth to that, but as I feel Elias brush my hair back out of my face, I want nothing more than to be all alone. I hate having anyone see me like this, so vulnerable and broken. I’m always worried it will scare them away, but Elias hands me a washcloth and pulls me against his chest as he leans against the tub.

“Do you want to talk about this?” His voice is so calm and his accent is heavy. I want nothing more than to confide in Elias, he is my person, but how can I tell him without breaking his heart?

“I don’t know how to be a mom, certainly not a good one.” I respond once I’m able to even out my breathing again.

“Answer one question for me okay?” He looks down at me, and I can feel the weight of his question before it’s even left those pretty lips of his. “Do you really not want to have children, or do you not want to have kids because you feel like you aren’t good enough? Because if you genuinely do not want to have kids you can tell me, and we can still work, but if you are scared you aren’t good enough we need to work on that.” 

“You have good parents that love each other, that love you. I’ve never had the same thing, how am I ever supposed to love a child properly?” My voice shakes, and as I watch the tears pool in Elias’ eyes, I feel awful. That’s a lot to unload on him. Yes, I’ve told him my parents divorced when I was younger, and that I wasn’t close with them now, but that one statement is more than I’ve ever shared.

“Kinsey, you show me every day how much you love me. You show your friends you care about them every chance you get. Hell, you even look after my teammates, and I know for a fact that you would go to the ends of the earth for anyone you care about. You know how to love others better than anyone I know.” Elias sighs, a tear slipping down his cheek, “I’m not saying you have to be a mom, that’s not my choice. All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t doubt yourself, and that no matter what you decide I love you.”

“You’re too good to me, you know that?” I smile at him, holding his cheek in the palm of my hand. “I’d kiss you, but I should probably brush my teeth first.” 

Elias frowns at my words, eyes filling once again with concern. “You should probably go see a doctor, you haven’t been feeling well lately.” 

“It’s just my anxiety Elias, I’m going to be okay.” I assure him, slowly getting to my feet. His hands go to my hips to steady me as I stand.

“If you’re that anxious it’s making you physically ill that’s not fine. I’m taking you to the doctor tomorrow okay?” He asks the question, but it’s evident that the only answer he is accepting is yes, so I just nod and help him to his feet.

As I brush my teeth, Elias’ arms wrap around me and he rests his chin on top of my head. He watches me closely in the mirror, a small smile playing on his lips. When I’m done, I turn in his arms and press up on my toes to kiss him gently. He holds me against him, and the kiss lasts longer than I had intended, but we quickly pull away when Ava starts crying.

“Go lay down, I’ve got her.” Elias says quickly, placing a kiss on my forehead and scurrying down the hall. 

Once again, I hear Elias cooing softly to the girl in Swedish. Maybe with Elias’ help I could be a mom. All I know right now is that, if I were to become a parent with anyone it would be him.

———

“Alright Miss Waters just a few questions for you real quick.” The doctor says, after finally entering the room Elias and I have been sitting in for what felt like an eternity. I shift uncomfortably on the bed, and the paper covering it crinkles loudly. “First, are you sexually active?”

My cheeks heat up slightly, and I look over at Elias who has a smirk on his face. “Yes.” I manage to answer, embarrassment rolling off of me.

“Okay, and is there any chance you could be pregnant?” This question has me laughing, and both the doctor and Elias look at me quizzically.

“I’m sorry-“ I manage to say, realizing no one else found the humour in the question. “No I’m not pregnant.”

“You sound pretty sure of that, how are you so certain? Are you on birth control?” The doctor's stare has my heartbeat increasing.

“N-no but I mean we always use condoms.” I manage to sputter out, and Elias reaches over and squeezes my hand.

“Right. Well I’m going to ask you to take a pregnancy test if you don’t mind, just to be 100% sure that’s not what’s causing the nausea. Although condoms are a fantastic contraceptive, they are only approximately 97% effective and that’s assuming they’re stored correctly and not expired.” 

“Oh okay. Sure yeah.” I look over at Elias, but his gaze is now on the floor. The doctor places the little cup on the table in front of me, and directs me towards the washroom.

When I’ve finished up, I make my way back into the room, and hand the cup to the doctor. He explains the process quickly and shuffles off to complete the tests leaving Elias and I alone. “You okay?” Elias asks after a moment of silence.

“I’m not pregnant. Right?” I ask, my eyes pleading with him for the answer. He sends a sad smile back and kisses my cheek gently. 

“We are going to find out babe, so don’t stress yourself out yet, but just so you know it doesn’t matter what that test says okay? If you aren’t pregnant and you want to be, great we will go home and get on that. If you are pregnant and you don’t want to be, then that’s okay too we can discuss our options. You are going to be okay. We are going to be okay.” He always knows what to say to make me feel better. I pull him into a hug, and he kisses my head. “I love you Kinsey.”

“I love you too Elias.”

After about 10 minutes, the doctor knocks on the door again. “The results of your tests are on this paper here.” He sets the paper on the table next to me. “I’ll give you two a chance to look at the results, and then I’ll be right back to do some blood work alright?” He doesn’t wait for a response, and quickly leaves the room again.

“You should read it first.” Elias says, picking up the paper handing it to me. I struggle taking the paper from him because my hands are shaking so much, but finally I unfold the paper.

A sigh of relief leaves my body as I fall against Elias’ chest, tears flowing down my cheeks. I can feel Elias deflate a little, but he quickly steadies himself wrapping me in his arms. He holds me close to him, and I feel safe in his arms. He’s home. He’s my family, we are a family.

“Can we get an apartment together?” My question has Elias pulling away, confusion evident on his face. We haven’t talked about moving in together yet, and maybe there was a reason for that. All I know is that after today, our relationship will never be the same.

Please let me know if you’d like to be tagged in the upcoming parts, or any of my future writings! Thank you for all of your support ❤️

@anastasiyaigorevnadobrodevskaya you automatically get a tag 😉

[phantom-curve]

happy second birthday! 5 for juke, any au of your choice?

Thank you! Please enjoy some mildly angsty but ultimately extremely soft Juke cuddles, set in a post-canon AU where Julie brought the boys back to life.

#5: feeling their pulse

Sometimes, when she woke up in the middle of the night and was still stuck in that place where dreams felt like reality and reality felt like a dream, Julie forgot that the boys were okay now. She forgot about the hug and the stamps floating out of their skin, dissolving into the ether as if they had never existed in the first place. She forgot about the magic that had slowly but surely brought her boys back to life, real life, like blood pumping, lungs expanding, aging just like everyone else life. She forgot about the paperwork and the reunions with Luke’s parents and Bobby-no-wait-Trevor Wilson, and the completely mind-boggling realization that she got to keep them, forever, safe and sound right at her side. Because it still didn’t feel real. People died. It was a fact of life, and something Julie had learned to accept when she lost her mom way too early. People did not come back to life because of the power of friendship and love. Except her Phantoms did.

It was on those nights that Julie would go searching for Luke. Like a moth drawn to a flame, she always seemed to be able to find him no matter where he was.

Alex and Reggie weren’t fully ready to find their families again. Coming back to life itself was a big enough change for Alex. Throw in the fact that he had gotten to bring Willie along with him, and he wasn’t quite ready to add anything else to the mix just yet. Reggie did want to find out whatever had happened to his family, but Julie knew that he was also kind of okay with existing in the unknown for the time being. What he didn’t know couldn’t hurt him, and he was trying to decide if it would be worth the risk of learning something devastating that he would have otherwise not known.  

So, two of the boys stayed with the Molina’s. Ray had upgraded things in the studio, creating a space for Alex that was safe and private so he could be close when he wanted to and alone when he needed it. Reggie had moved into the house, not only because Carlos had practically begged him, but also because he preferred being surrounded by the family as much as he could. Luke told Julie it was probably because their family was the kind he had always dreamed of, loving and supportive and not always on the brink of arguing over nothing.

Luke, on the other hand, had mostly moved back into his parent’s house. There were some growing pains, especially because Emily and Mitch were still just generally adjusting to the fact that the son they had mourned for 25 years was back in the land of the living, but also because for Luke, those years hadn’t really happened. The fights and relationship struggles were still fresh for him, even if his parents had mostly forgotten them. Which meant that Luke still spent a lot of time either in the studio or crashing on the Molina’s couch. Julie didn’t mind, particularly on nights like tonight when she needed the solid reminder of his presence to convince herself that he wasn’t about to disappear from her life permanently and without warning.

Luke seemed to know she was coming before she appeared. He had fallen asleep on the living room couch after a late night Super Smash Brothers tournament with Reggie and Carlos, but by the time she was tiptoeing into the room, nothing but the hallway nightlight to guide her, he was sitting up and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He smiled softly at her when she entered the room.

“Hey Jules, I thought I heard you wake up.”

Julie didn’t hesitate to join him on the couch, leaning into his side when he lifted an arm in invitation. Luke leaned back against the couch, pulling her close as he wrapped the blanket around both of them. Julie let her head fall to rest on his chest, just above his heart, the steady beat echoing in her ears. She smiled when she heard it pick up, still in awe of the fact that she did that to him. Luke sighed, the sound tinged with contentment, as if his night hadn’t been quite right until she had found her way into his arms.

“Did you have another dream?”

His words were hushed, soft against her scalp as he traced his fingertips up and down her arm. She tried not to huff in response.

“Am I not allowed to cuddle you just because I want to? Do I have to have a bad dream to make it okay?”

Luke’s arm squeezed her close, his heart stuttering and then racing even faster than before.

“N-no, of course not. You know I’m always here for you. I just...wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Guilt crawled like lead through her veins. Julie blinked away the sudden tears that seemed to spring up out of nowhere, reaching across his chest to grab his unoccupied hand and pull it close. She didn’t look into his eyes as she wrapped her fingers around his wrist, her pointer and middle finger coming to rest against his radial artery, the thrumming of his pulse pumping fast and furious through his veins. She let the rhythm consume her, let it soak into her own skin as a reassurance that he was here. He was alive, real flesh and bones beneath her touch, and he was going to stay that way for as long as she had anything to say about it. Luke didn’t comment, but she knew he knew what she was doing.

“I just forget sometimes,” she whispered into the quiet room, finally dragging her eyes to his so she could drown in the sea green depths of his gaze. “I wake up and it’s like, I can’t believe it’s actually real. It’s too good to be true. And then I panic, because what if it was all just something I made up, some way of coping with my mom’s death and everything else, and I can’t even trust myself to know that you’re real.”

Julie shuddered against him, that very real fear still lurking a little too close to the surface.

“I just...needed a little reminder.”

His blood pumped sure and steady underneath the pressure of her touch. He was here. He was alive.Luke’s arms hauled her impossibly closer, body shifting to sweep her legs out from under her so that she was forced to practically lie on top of him. He wriggled slightly, so he was further underneath her instead of next to her and buried his face into the top of her head, inhaling deeply like he also needed a physical reminder of her existence. She felt the pressure of his lips against her hair, let the touch burn a fiery path along her spine.

“I’m here, Julie. I’m right here.”

Forever.

The sentiment went unspoken, but it hung between them, heavy with implication and promise. Luke wasn’t going anywhere, not as long as there was a beat to his heart or a thought in his brain. Julie knew that, logically. He had sworn it over and over again, even before the boys had actually come back to life. To the ends of the Earth, he had sung, stealing lines from a Lord Huron song and twisting them to meet his purpose, I will follow you.

He was humming now, under his breath, the sound weaving its way into Julie’s ears and lulling her to sleep within the comfort of his embrace. Not a song stolen from the radio this time, but one of their songs. One of her songs, written for him and stuffed into her dream box back when she still viewed them as an impossibility, separated by time and circumstance. The universe had different plans it seemed, a chance for true love to triumph after all.

We create a perfect harmony.

The beat of his heart slowed, the feel of it underneath her fingers mellowing into a more familiar pattern. One that spelled out the sound of home, forever and always with her.

[missdawnandherdusk]

Ravenclaw Extensive Dating a Malfoy Headcanons:

Okay, so other than Ravenclaw and Slytherin I have two series with Draco and the other houses but they don’t always get the little moments so here I am adding them in as well as beginning the remaining houses. (Of course you all know how I feel about sorting but for the sake of Draco Malfoy being happy I’ll set that aside). Yes this has been done before but come on, you’re gonna read it anyway. I’ll do one for each house promise.

So being ravenclaw comes with the name calling “nerd” “four eyes” “freak” “weirdo” ya know real high brow stuff

Mostly it comes from Draco and his Slytherin classmates they feel threatened, you’re smart, go figure

It’s not that you’re “smart” it’s that you want to learn especially if you’re Muggle born because WHAT DO YOU MEAN MAGIC EXISTS

So you get good. Very good. At everything. Which infuriates Draco because you surpass him in Potions

He fails a Transfiguration quiz and McGonagall asks you to help him because you’re probably the only one who won’t punch him a-la-muggle

You protest but it’s no use, and McGonagall said she’ll give you extra credit and house points so, ya know what bring it

He hates it of course, sulking the entire time, muttering about “if my father knew about this” which just makes you smile because good lord he’s ridiculous

Your tutoring sessions give you time with Draco alone and though the first few times you’re terrified and stumble over your words, you get more comfortable with him and he’s less snappy at you

He has an ambition for knowledge, you have the means to give it to him

Soon he’ll start sitting next to you in class because you’re notes make more sense to him than the professor’s do

You come to realize that “oh my stars Draco might be dyslexic like you” you don’t mention it to him because you know he’d just shut down and get aggressive but it explains why he likes your notes so much: he can actually read them

People still make fun of your for your brains and knowledge, but it starts to fade over time and unbeknownst to you, Draco began to threaten anyone who bullied you; which accidentally put you on edge because you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop

You’re reading up on the American Revolution and Wizards involvement in the war when Draco comes to you, grinning

You look up at him, nervous and expecting

He hands you his latest Charms exam

He got full marks

You’re so excited you forget yourself and hug him which leads to blushing and awkward “good job” and “thanks”

One day Harry is being Harry with Draco and “she’s only helping you because she’s getting extra credit and house points” Draco knew that but hearing it from Harry is different

You go straight to McGonagall and tell her you don’t want the credit or points anymore you don’t tell draco this, because well... you don’t know

Your study session become less laughter filled and fun... Draco seems almost too distracted to focus on anything he’s moping

You reach over one time in class and draw a smiley face on his notes while he’s sulking. When he glares at you, you offer a smile and maybe he smiles back

“Are you okay?” You write under the smiley face. “Fine.” He scrawls. “I don’t believe you”

He stares at you like you have two heads. No ones ever pressed past his “I’m fine” charade before

That night you’re studying and he comes to you and starts to talk. It starts with school but it goes on to how his family is doing and the looming war and then he finally admits that he’s not as put together as he looks and that the only friend he has is being “paid” to be with him

“Draco, I stopped getting extra credit months ago,” You finally explain what you did after what Harry said that one day and he’s just dumbfounded so maybe his only friend wasn’t being paid to be with him

You introduce him to Muggle Coffee Monsters for late night studying and occasional all nighters theyre “really really really really good” he’s practically bouncing in his seat. You wonder if he’s ever had caffeine before...

You fail a potions test. Badly. Not that you meant to but you don’t know what happened. You try everything to hold back tears because you’ve never failed before. Draco gets perfect marks and you’re just dying inside and so ashamed because you’re supposed to be smart

Draco finds out even though you try to keep it from him and he chases after you in the hall not before pleading with Snape to have you redo the exam. Snape allows it

“Just leave me alone Draco,” you snap. “Just wait!” He calls. “Leave me alone!” You pull out your wand against him and he just freezes. You realize what you’ve done and run, tears streaming down your face

You don’t talk to him in class because you’re just so confused and ashamed and sorry. He slides a note over. “You’re more than a grade,” is written in his careful script. There’s a smiley face too.

You finally peek over at him and he offers you a smile now you’re really confused

You keep that note and whenever you’re stressed or get a grade less than you wanted you read it until the paper is faded and worn from its wear.

You retake the exam you take after Draco spends the week beforehand making sure you know exactly what you’re doing

“You can do this,” He insists. “No I can’t,” you groan, hopeless. “You’re being ridiculous, come on wise girl, if I can do it so can you.” The nickname started as a taunt but now it was something that only Draco was allowed to call you

You get full marks on your retake and run to find Draco and hug him in the middle of the Great Hall with everyone watching and maybe you kiss him because he believed in you when he leads to awkward blushing and stammering apologies before he pulls you back and really kisses you

There’s a chorus of “finally”s from the surrounding students and a few cheers the whole school shipped you two and it was just frustrated to watch you two pine for another

Draco leads you to a quiet corner of the castle, your exam still in your hand as he really asks you if you want this—to be with him. He knows he’s not the best person and goes on listing why he’s a bad person and yadda yadda yadda

You tell him if you’re more than a grade he’s more than a Slytherin

You start dating

Cue blushing and nervous Draco because “I’ve never had a girlfriend what am I supposed to do? Flowers? Chocolate? Dates? Handholding?” The poor boy is a mess

“Draco, sweetheart. Calm down you’re doing fine,” you laugh one afternoon as he fumbles over asking you to hogsmeade with him. “It’s just me,” he just feels so pressured to be perfect you constantly remind him that he doesn’t have to be, not for you

You still study together but sometimes you just end up cuddling. Except on the nights you have an exam the next day or an essay due “Draco I will hex you to next week if you don’t focus”

You both aren’t sure how to be affectionate towards another. Sure you’ve read books and he’s seen other do it but you two are so bad at just talking without stammering or blushing

So you start writing down how you feel and what you want to do and what you’re comfortable with, and he’ll respond and you two actually get somewhere because you’re communicating it’s not “the norm” but at least you’re communicating

Reading books under trees; late nights in the library; sitting together in class; holding hands in the halls; “wise girl” and “pretty boy”

Your friends are happy to see that your happy and can appreciate Dracos ambition for knowledge and that you both are a bit competitive when it comes to grades

His friends are a bit cold and distant and snappy sometimes, but you don’t mind much, you know it’s not a commonality for Slytherin to date outside of House

Draco spoils you at every turn. “You looked at this book in the shop so I got it signed by the author for you” / “you said you wanted this quill once... so here” / “I will never understand Muggle stores but I picked up more Oreos and Monsters” / “I saw this necklace and it reminded me of you so I bought it” / “you lost your other scarf so I got you this new one. It’s unicorn silk” / “here, this bag is enchanted so you can carry all of the books you want and not have to carry the weight”

You love him a little more with each thing he gets you because they’re the most bizarre things that you didn’t know you wanted but somehow he did. He’s like a bird “I saw this shiny rock and wanted you to have it”

Your parents adore him. They were a bit wary about you dating a Malfoy/Slytherin but he spends one afternoon and dinner with your family and they’re completely smitten and tell him to come back any time especially when they hear about getting you that retake exam

His parents are a bit more reserved towards you. Until Narcissa sees Draco smiling at you as you talk about the history of something he really couldn’t care less about but you’re so excited he can’t help but stare and she sees your wisdom and ambition and wonders if the Sorting Hat made the right call about you

Lucius doesn’t talk down to you not that he talked much at all to you but when you ask him more about his job at the ministry/his peacock/family history/possible Veela descent he’s absolutely taken with you because you remind him of a young Narcissa especially when you snip right back at Draco. Lucius chokes on his drink when he hears you call Draco “pretty boy” and Narcissa grins at him because that’s her nickname for him

When Draco takes the Dark Mark you can bet your Galleons your spending every night looking into Dark Magic and how it works to truly understand what’s happening. You feel less panicked when you know what’s going on good or bad and you help Draco understand too

Which means you’re talking to Snape a bit more. Not to use the magic, but you want to know. You don’t want Draco to feel like he’s alone in all of it. You find spells that make the Mark burn less and affect his thoughts/mood less

When Draco starts to slip behind on grades again during Sixth Year, you go back to tutoring him, with gentle encouraging words and soft promises that he can do it

After the war you encourage him to come back to school and finish and though he’s terrified to face anyone his ambition for knowledge is still there and you’ve become a lot more terrifying since learning dark magic that people back off when they see you

.

.

Tags: @coffee-addicti @msmcsmutt @ravn-87 @artemismohr18 @whygz @crazywritingbug @fuzzy-panda@bitemebro522 @zombiesnips-blog @jillanaholland @shookyungsoo @savingdraco @welcometomyworldwithoutrules @akari180 @slytherin-emerald @chaotic-good-gemini @memalfoy-spidey@theres-a-dog-outside-omg @queenfeatherwings @fanficflaneuse @go-whovian-universe @spicyshenanigans @darling-im-not-okay-i-promise@dietkiwi@katsukink @takemetothekingdom @strangerr-things@tmnt-queen @mccloudchloe @hxneybgb @justsomerandomgur @belcvayelena @moviesbooksandfandoms @howdycharlie@xtrashmouthxtozierx @cocochanelthepupper@ninacotte@mccloudchloe @braelynn-j @jiggllyy @honeymarvel@go-whovian-universe @darcypottah @atomicpunkrock@thiccheerioss @lottie289 @boredashaeck @beautiful-pegasus @tceedlmao @deadlynyghtshayde @iconjuresnapeingrandmaclothes @anonymous034 @bi-andready-tocry @lunna-does-real-doodle @dragonsandbread @atomicwonderlandmentality @okaydraco @the–queen-of-hell @langdonzvoid @cmxreader @alienmotel @oh-itsnothing @tulippings @thestressedprincess @sunflowerxsadnessw @caps-wilsonn @fattycooter @angelotakunerd08 @thisisahugemistake @fanficsigottaread​ @gweaslvy​ @okaydraco​ @strawberriesonsummer​ @ughjjloveme​ @honeymarvel​  @gaysludge​ @cleopatera​

[jarofstyles]

Fan Club VI

A/N: After the emotional turmoil part 5 caused, here is some sweet sweet redemption from Mr. Styles. One part left to go after this!! - n + d

send feedback and requests here

masterlist

pairing: Harry Styles x Reader

warnings: smut, drug use (weed)

word count: 15k

It was good. The whole thing was going spectacularly well and Harry couldn’t be happier. Y/N had gotten him out of his shell a little bit and while it had only been a little while, he was adjusting very well with being with Y/N for real. In fact, he got quite clingy. He was nearing in on thinking he may love her. His Aquarius side made him double back and check but every sign was there. So he made an effort to do much more than what was asked of them. He had her over a lot, and visited her at the bakery nearly every morning for coffee, and he texted her all the time. Enough that she had gotten scolded at work about it. 

‘Hi, kitten. Can you come out with me for lunch? Casual. Just miss you. Xxxxxx’ 

Harry wanted to see her for both of their lunch hours. It was something he really was trying to do right by them. Make time for them even in the most hectic stages.

Y/N was nearing her break time, fully ready to go and grab something to eat. It was quite slow today, so she had been catching up on preparing dough to freeze. Now that she was officially dating Harry the bakery actually saw a lot more customers. They often had to bake off more goods throughout the day, which never used to happen. If there were any fans that came in, they didn’t act like they were. Her phone vibrated in her apron and she smiled, seeing as Harry had asked her out for lunch. Katya didn’t mind letting Y/N go out during her work day if it was to see Harry, she knew he was a busy man and that later in the year she wouldn’t see him much at all. 

‘hi bunny, where abouts shall I meet you? 🥰’

‘Little cafe a few streets over. I’ll meet you there.’

She had never been happier. Y/N let herself go completely with Harry, everyone had noticed how much cheerier she has gotten since being with him. Also the regular sex helped. “I’m going for my lunch. Meeting Harry nearby, so... I’ll be back in an hour or so? Text me if there’s a rush.”

Harry was beyond excited. It was the neediest he had ever felt in a relationship, if he was being truthful. Y/N took it all in stride but he would get Whiny when she couldn’t stay the night, or always asked for one more kiss. It was most likely because he was finally comfortable around her. Vulnerable. He was okay with pouting and hugging at her and she took it all with a wide smile on his face. And now that his mother and sister knew they were really dating, they were dying to get to know her. He had gotten a few texts that they’d followed her Instagram, which had amassed half a million followers. In branding terms, it was one of the most successful relationships in PR. It was real now though. Harry was going to insist she take the money for it because she had to deal with him, even if she didn’t use it on herself. He pulled in and got them a table near the back, waiting patiently for his girl to come in. He missed her and it had only been a few hours since he’d come in for coffee. Of course the bakery staff loved when he came in, because he tipped heavily and gave high praises.

A short five minutes later Y/N had made it to the cafe, spotting Harry near the back as he often tended to do. She had seen him earlier, but she really couldn’t help but mentally comment on how cute he looked. Be it the fan in her piping up. Y/N smiled one of her wide smiles at him, jogging a little to him with open arms as she got closer to him. 

“Hi baby.” She cooed, hugging him before pecking his lips softly. “How’s your day been so far?” 

“My, sweet girl.” Harry sighed. It was a relief to feel her back in his arms. It was a bit embarrassing how much Harry worried about her. It was sad because there had been 2 times he would panic and she would call him back and promise she was okay, she was showering or driving. But now that he had a person he cared this much about, it was overwhelming. It was like once he let go of that fear a bit, the emotion flowed in very quickly and absorbed into his brain. Harry loved it though, really did like how he felt so much for her. She looked utterly adorable in a rainbow striped shirt and some cuffed jeans, and it made him want to coo. “Look so cute.” He sighed, squeezing her hip before helping her sit. It wasn’t needed but he wanted to. It had been a long day so he had gone casual. 

Y/N was a smiley mess when she was with him, she swore he’d give her premature wrinkles on her baby face if he kept at it. “thank you, so do you... that shirt makes your chest look good.” She commented on his outfit, genuinely enjoying the sight. She liked his casual attire.

“S’been okay. Went to the gym and then down for album clean up. You know how it’s been lately.” Hectic. “Wanted to bring you with me to the studio tomorrow, actually. If that works. I want you to hear a few songs.” 

“You want me to come with you?” Y/N said excitedly. “Tomorrow? Yeah I can do.” Y/N nodded, knowing she kept all of her days off free for him. “I’ll go home real quick after work and grab some things and I’ll come over.” She nodded, knowing he’d want to see her tonight because he was being extra needy. Y/N looked over the menu, finding something she was in the mood for. “Is it weird to have pasta for lunch? Cause I want pasta.” She spoke half to him and half to herself. “I’m gonna get the gnocchi in the red sauce. There is tons of cheese on it.” Y/N rubbed her hands together with excitement.

“Not weird at all, baby. Don’t worry.” Harry really didn’t think Y/N could do any wrong at this point. She was lighting up his life. He hadn’t been this happy in a long time and he would do anything to keep it going. The fact she was sleeping over again was even better to him. It meant kisses and cuddles and perhaps a good round of sex. That was something else he looked forward to. It had been amazing. Something he couldn’t ever forget in his life. Harry was set for it. 

“That sounds perfect. Think m’gonna get... a veggie burger probably. Sweet potato fries. They’ve got that organic raspberry lemonade here, so I’ll get that as well.” He was on a bit of an organic kick, another reason he suggested this place. They wouldn’t talk about the dominos he ordered 4 nights ago after good sex. Nope.

Y/N smiled at how excited he was about the raspberry lemonade, he was so cute. “That sounds tasty, I’ll have one too.” She said, closing the menu and setting it to the side. Dating Harry was like a dream. He fed her well, gave her attention, fucked her good. There was nothing else she needed. He seemed happy as well and that is what was most important. 

The fans feedback was something that surprised Y/N. She tried to stay offline mainly because she had a nasty habit of reading comments. To be honest, most of them were really nice and made her smile, others were— filled with jealousy. There were a lot of comments about how they’d never seen Harry this happy and how they loved that she was a normal girl. It’s what she liked to hear really. 

“I’m actually really excited to go to the studio with you, Aw.” Y/N smiled, “it’ll be fun to see you in your element.” She was beyond excited to meet everyone on his team on the music side of things, his band mates. Y/N loved the music side of things, she would love to see how it was done.

“I just am excited to get you into all the aspects of my life.” It was weird. For how commitment-phobic Harry had been before, he was ready right now to integrate her into every part he possibly could. Weave her into any fiber and keep memories wherever he was able to get them. Maybe it was a bit of fear of losing her but, majority was just because he was truly falling for her every moment. “Everyone is very excited to meet you, my darling. Especially my mum...” He winced as she choked slightly on the provided water. They had to act casual when the waitress took their order, but he felt her eyes burning into him as skin as she left. “Babe... she called me and I couldn’t stop talking about you and how we had been hanging around a lot and s’why I haven’t called much. I told her what happened lately and now she’s been biting at me to try and get the both of you together. Gems as well.” He knew Y/N was a little intimidated by his mum and sister but there was no reason to be. They already quite liked her from what they saw. “Oh— and I dunno if you follow them but, they’ve followed your Instagram.”

His mum? Oh god. Y/N couldn’t have been more nervous now that Anne was aware of her existence, knowing what was out there on the internet. It was a natural step though, she knew Harry would want her to meet them at some point. But being a fan of Harry’s meant knowing who his family were and adding them on socials. Y/N took another sip of her drink as he told her that they followed her on Instagram, she nearly choked again. 

“They did?” Y/N asked, setting the drink down. “Of course I follow them, babe, been a fan for a long time of course I’m going to follow your mom and sister. Do you even follow me on Instagram?” She thought that was actually sweet that they had gone and followed her before having met her. Y/N knew she had nothing to be nervous about, but she was. They were so important to Harry and she wanted them to approve.

“Wait... I don’t.” Harry wasn’t huge with social media at all. 9/10 he was playing phone games or messaging someone or watching videos but he hadn’t realized he hadn’t followed her yet. That was the stupidest thing. So he took the phone out, handed it to her with a large grin on his face. “Type it in for me, but I wanna be the one to press the button.” He was being silly but he knew that the fangirl in Y/N would be grateful for that. He loved it too. How she sometimes got giddy looking at him. It was easy to tell. 

Y/N took his phone and searched for her name, shocked when she saw the sheer amount of followers she had gained. “Can’t believe you’re mom and sister followed me before you.” Y/N laughed, shaking her head as she handed him the phone. 

“Wait wait wait, let me take a video.” Y/N giggled, pulling out her phone and hit record. “Here is the moment I’ve been waiting for, go on babes.” She cooed, smiling as he hit the button and continued to film just because she thought he looked cute. She did that thing where she zoomed in on his face, “Ugh choke me king.” She ended the video after catching his reaction and laughed. 

Harry heard her phone ding. Finally. “Feel like an idiot. You’re with me every night and not even following you.” He shook his head. “Never gonna unfollow now. Unless you stop making lemon bars. Cause... I’d be very upset with you.” He teased. He really did eat his weight in them. “But they already really like you, love. Really. My mum keeps sayin’ how cute you are and how sweet you seem.”

“Honestly, it’s fine. A follow from you is not worth as much as a quality cuddle.” Y/N admitted and took a sip of her lemonade. Harry’s social media presence was always under a microscope but she was positive that people didn’t question why he hadn’t followed her. “aw wait really? She’s an angel. I watch her Instagram stories of the cats and they make my day.” Y/N blushed, “but I am excited to meet them. Nervous, but excited.”

“She’s probably got a kitten lined up for you to adopt. Swear. She sets up all of the people I bring around with cats. My sister, her boyfriend. My childhood friends. She’s a cat whisperer.” Harry wasn’t even kidding. Anne has a way with them and matches them to humans. “Also, why did you ask me to choke you? I mean, I will. But later.” He was a bit stupid when it came to fan language, but Y/N seemed to know that type of stuff. He figured she had an account but he only went on every so often. It was amazing to think that she was already familiar with his habits. Some may find it weird but he loved it. “You’ll get both that and a quality cuddle at home but, you’re an odd biscuit.” Harry sniffed out a laugh before putting his phone down. He would be searching through her account far and wide today and have questions later. 

Y/N laughed a proper laugh at his comment, “you really don’t check twitter as much as people think you do, huh baby?” She asked and reached out to take his hand just cause she wanted to hold it. “It’s like... when you find someone really attractive, in Internet culture it’s common to say things that are super outrageous that you would think to yourself but usually not say out loud.” Y/N tried her best to explain but it was just a strange concept. “So when I say, choke me king, I mean it... but also it’s just another way of saying you look really hot.” Y/N smiled, laughing a bit because she felt like it was common knowledge, but then again Harry wasn’t a hardcore stan. “promise me you won’t judge me for what I’ve said about you on the internet.” She knew better wouldn’t, but he would tease her. 

“Not going to judge you, my love. I don’t judge other fans whether. Everyone has their little vice. Their words. Their hobbies. Some people have me as their hobby or distraction? That’s great. I’m happy I can be that for them.” He had an appreciation for them that ran deep. Every single one. “But I’m interested to learn what it is. The lingo and all that. I want to learn about the culture and be more aware of it.” He suggested. “Can you teach me tonight?” Y/N would be the perfect tutor. She was a fan for years. “Now. The real question— what did you want to do for dinner tonight? Go out or eat in.” He figured eat in. “Probably will do take away because I’ll be too tired to cook. But you’ve got your key, yeah? I’ll leave some cash with you when we leave and you just order what you want for when I get home.” He could come home to Y/N in his house and that was incredibly amazing.

“You read my mind.” Y/N hummed, “I’ll figure out something for food, just text me when you’re on your way.” She had wanted to cook for him. She figured it would be something nice she could do for her man after a long day at work. It was essentially just a domestic simulator. She also wanted to pick something else out to wear underneath one of his t shirts. She had a really good idea.

“I’m excited to hang out with you tonight, love. I know it’s every night but I just don’t get tired of it. You make me so happy, you know that?” Harry's voice dropped, a shy smile on his mouth as he grabbed her smaller hand. “I hope m’not annoying.”

Y/N pouted in awe, squeezing his hand a little tighter at what he said. “Aw angel.” She said softly, “I swear I’m the happiest girl in the world all because of you.” She spoke quietly to him. Harry got shy around her sometimes and it made her heart swell up because he was her baby and he was the sweetest man alive. “Could never annoy me, you keep forgetting I’ve been enamored by you for nearly 10 years.” It was true. She doubted he could ever annoy her, she has spent every day of her life of the past 9 years thinking about him in some way shape or form. Y/N loved his attention and truly felt like she needed to be smothered in it after being so deprived.

Harry really did fear annoying her. He was still working on making it up to her for hurting her. It was clear that Y/N was basically over it and thrived off of the coddling and attention she got now but he still worried about it. From his past relationships, he was told he was a bit clingy and smothering and boring. Y/N hadn’t made him feel any of those things. 

“It tickles me that you were a fan. I love it. Makes me sad that I didn’t meet you beforehand though, at the shows... we could have been together for a long time before this.” Harry knew that he would have found her incredibly attractive even before. There was just something so incredibly drawing about Y/N that had Harry in awe. “I’m so lucky I met you.” He often became soft when it came to Y/N. The girl pulled things and emotions out of him he had never really been comfortable showing. “I’m happy that you aren’t annoyed though. Cause I plan on being around you for as long as you let me.”

Never did Y/N think that she would end up in the position that she was in right now. With Harry sitting across from her, looking and speaking to her in awe. She felt like she was the real life ‘Y/N’. Everything that happened in the last 5 months would say so. “Well you don’t really meet fans that much do you? Have to be insanely lucky.” Y/N said, stirring the straw in her drink. “You really think you would have fancied me?” She blushed at her own question, “would you have seen me and wanted to get to know me? I can’t imagine you’d ever do that.” Y/N said softly, feeling like it was unrealistic. Sure she thought she was beautiful, but she didn’t think she was show stopping or anything like Harry was making her out to be. Especially in her younger years. “We are lucky to have met each other.” Y/N smiles fondly, squeezing his hand a bit more. She really was lucky that Jeff had found her and picked her out of a bunch of contenders. She wondered what made Jeff pick her, wondered why she was the first person they asked and that they were insistent on having Harry date.

She truly didn’t understand just how attractive Harry thought she was, or how amazing he found her. Which was sad but also, he could understand. Millions adored him, apparently, and he couldn’t process how or why. Still. He wished Y/N could see her how he saw her. 

“I think I would have. But I know you won’t believe me, so.” He chuckled at her, shaking his head before he finished off his food. In the front, he could see two fans patiently waiting. “Hey— Wait, Y/N? There’s two fans up there. I want to go say hi and thank them for not interrupting but I dunno if you want to come or not.”

They hadn’t run into many fans at all because of their planning times, but now he was quite excited to. He did keep to himself and met fans when he came across them but he knew how to camouflage or blend into the streets. He was to himself and both he and Y/N had gone to get purposely photographed, but this was different. It was his favorite when fans waited for him and didn’t just interrupt.

Y/N turned her head to look at the fans, smiling at them and waving. She then turned to Harry, “I’m sure they just want to meet you babe, I can’t stay back it’s okay! If you want me to come with you I will.” Y/N said softly, genuinely not wanting to encroach on Harry’s time with his fans. 

If she was in the fans position, she’d want personal time with Harry and though she knew the fans quite liked her she still didn’t want to assume they wanted to meet her when they actually wanted to just meet Harry. She felt like the girls were super kind though, seeing as they had the decency to wait and not interrupt when they were clearly on a date. Y/N didn’t mind him going to meet his fans at all, in fact she would let him take his good old time. She knew how important it was for the both of them, and frankly, Y/N wanted everyone to love up on her boyfriend. She’d have all the time in the world with him.

“Come with me.” Harry suggested, taking her hand in his and throwing some money on the table. Enough for a good tip, and then some. Her small hand felt secure in his as he approached, only dropping it when he went to hug the both of them. 

“I’m sorry if we’re bothering you.” One said shyly. “We didn’t want to interrupt.”

Harry just smiled. “Not at all. You didn’t interrupt, I appreciate you waiting.” The girls were giddy, and it was adorable. 

“Oh— Y/N, right? we follow your instagram. You’re so pretty. All your photos are amazing but you’re even prettier in person.” 

“Oh my god, thank you so much.” Y/N cooed, going in to hug them without them asking. They were so sweet, they deserved all the hugs possible. Harry was proud of that. People were complimenting his girlfriend and loving her and he was thriving because of it. Everyone loves Y/N. That’s how it should be. 

“You did really good, Harry. She’s so nice.” The other one said shyly. He could feel his ego expanding as he nodded. 

“I did indeed. Now. Did we want photos?”

“Here, let me take them.” Y/N offered, taking about twenty photos on each of the girls phones at different angles because she knew that’s what she would have wanted. “Give me a silly one now, go on.” She directed, knowing that it would be really cute if each of the girls had variations. Again, it’s what she would have wanted. “Do you guys have Twitter?” Y/N asked with a hum, “mind if I give you guys a follow?” She asked shyly. She really liked stan Twitter and just because she was dating Harry now didn’t mean that she wouldn’t still tweet about him.

It was a few photos and chatting, and Y/N had stolen the show. It’s just how it was. She giggled with the other fan as they took their photos and when they switched so the other girl could take her pictures, it was the same thing. Y/N had her own little friends now. Harry’s interest was stroked. Oh? A twitter. He hadn’t even thought about that. A damn Twitter. Fucks sake, she had a fan account! He had to find it. There had to be some funny and sweet things tweeted on there, right? He sure as hell hoped they were sweet, anyways. Some of his fans could drag him to filth and he knew it. While funny— he wasn’t sure what Y/N would be like. 

“Yes! Yes, we would love that.” 

Y/N followed the both of them, smiling as she saw they were already following her and it made her feel all soft inside. It was really sweet. “okay amazing, I’ll be seeing you on my timeline then.” Y/N hummed and pushed a few pieces of hair behind her ear. 

Harry watched with a little smile as she exchanged twitter stuff with them and was so fucking happy. None of his other relationships had gone too well with fans. Same with the girls. They’d not really been the biggest fan of the fans, ironically. They could be invasive and rude to protect him but, he knew it was all in the love of their hearts.

“I hate to cut this off ladies, but Y/N has to go back to work. Her sister will be a pouty puppy if she’s late.” He said regretfully, gently placing his hand on Y/N’s shoulder. “Lovely to meet you both!”

Y/N looked over at Harry, almost forgetting that he was there for a moment but he was right. She set her hand over his, “it was so nice to meet you, have a great rest of your day!” She spoke, watching as the two of them turned to walk off before going to give Harry a hug. “That was so cute.” Y/N hummed, “can’t believe they were so nice, I was almost expecting them to just give me a small hello but that was— Aw.” She was truly happy they accepted her as his girlfriend. She knew that fans had never been approving of his girlfriends so it meant a lot that she made the cut. “You’re also so cute with them, I cry.”

“It was incredibly cute, but you were the reason.” Harry laughed. God. He adored this sweet thing so much. “It’s so nice to see fans love a girlfriend of mine so much. They really aren’t huge on people in my life and are so overprotective— well, you obviously know that.” He forgot for a moment that she knew all too well because she had been a fan once. “Speaking of, actually... I want to know what you all thought of my other relationships. Think about it and tell me tonight during my cute little fan talk lessons.” He had to part with her at his car, pouting slightly when he kissed her a few times. She tasted like the raspberry lemonade they’d been sipping on. “Here’s the money for the take away, just order whatever you want and go home before me.” He didn’t realize he was calling it home so much. But it was too soon to ask her to move in. Right? Yeah. So he just tried to get her over as much as possible.

Y/N raised her brows as he told her he wanted to hear about what she thought about his past relationship. “Are you sure you want to know?” She asked, pecking his lips quickly because she couldn’t resist it. Plus, Harry was okay with them kissing in public which was nice. “Alright, baby.” Y/N hummed, pecking his lips a few more times before giving him one last hug. “I’ll see you later. Have fun at the studio.” She told him before going off into the bakery where she was met by her smiling sister. Katya was just so happy to see her so happy.

The rest of the work day went by pretty quickly and Y/N was happy about it. The little break in between really did help. She quickly nipped home to pack an outfit to wear to the studio tomorrow, but also to change into something more cozy adding something saucy underneath. He wouldn’t suspect a thing. Y/N had also decided to pop by the grocery store on her way to Harry’s, getting some ingredients for a nice stir fry that she intended to cook up in time for him to come home to. She felt like it would be much more sweet than take away, they always ended up ordering out when they were together.

Harry had a long day in the studio, and he was tired. All he wanted was to curl in the bed with Y/N and play the food television channel and have her play with his hair. It had been on his mind all day that he was going home to her and he was so unbelievably excited about it. 

‘Comin home now my kitten (: xxxx’ 

He had sent her that before getting in the car, sighing happily as he turned it on to start the journey home. He was buzzing over the idea of Y/N just living there. Coming home to her and not having an empty home. Maybe she could expand the bakery chain they had to LA and stay there when he did more recording? Wishful thinking but, he wanted to have her at all times even if it wasn’t possible. However the day got even better when he got home and stepped into the kitchen, seeing a sight that he was beginning to hope was a forever thing. Y/N had the music on his speaker, swinging her hips as she sang along to some music. But more importantly, she was cooking dinner and there was a plate of lemon bars on the counter. 

“Think I’ve died and gone to heaven.” Harry was incredibly down for a domestic night in. What others had said was boring, Y/N was voluntarily doing it for him.

Y/N started cooking when Harry sent her the text, wanting to make sure it was nice and hot. She had taken the liberty of making herself at home as she usually did, connecting to the speaker and just jamming out as she took over his kitchen. Y/N wanted to make it as thoughtful as possible considering Harry had been so sweet to her, setting the table all cute with some candles. She also had made sure to bring some lemon bars over for him to have on hand. He loved those things. She heard him come in, lifting her head up and smiling one of her wide smiles at him for the third time today. Y/N was always happy to see him. 

“Rightly so, cause you’re an angel.” Y/N commented, running over to greet him properly. She wrapped her arms around his neck and got on her tippy toes to be level with him so she could kiss him. “You sir, go change and get all comfy. I’m just finishing up with dinner, it should be around 5 minutes.” She told him, pecking his lips once again. Y/N wasn’t sure what’s gotten into her today, but she was feeling super appreciative today. Even more so than usual.

“Mm, I dunno...” Harry muttered. “Should just have you for dinner, hm?” He playfully nipped her bottom lip and felt the girl squeak and giggle as he gently tickled her sides. There was something about her in his clothes, in his kitchen and making the both of them food that was utterly arousing to him. Beyond it. He wanted to bend her over the counter but his stomach had growled in protest. “I’ll change and freshen up. Keep lookin’ proper fit and making good food.” He playfully swatted her behind before placing his keys on the counter and working up the stairs to his room. He changed into a Grey sweater and some basketball shorts, leaving his feet covered in socks. A beanie was thrown on too, knowing that Y/N had mentioned it to him a few days ago when she saw it in his closet.

“Later, later...” Y/N hummed, smiling smugly at him at his comments. She was just so glad he was home, she felt like she could finally relax and she was finally content. “go.” She pecked his lips again, deciding she too would smack his ass as he turned around to head up stairs. That really was her man. 

Y/N was getting lit to her playlist, various types of music on there including some trap, because who didn’t love listening to some trashy trap music from time to time? It was good hype music too. “You know why these bitches love me? Cause baby don’t give a fuck. I be fixin' the weave while she suckin' my dick pull it out, then I titty fuck” She rapped along to the lyrics of ‘Cash Shit’, startled as Harry started to speak. 

“It smells amazing, sweetheart.” Harry walked into the kitchen to see her swinging her butt around, yelping when he spoke. “What? Why are you stopping the show?”

Y/N turned down the music a bit, blushing a bit and went to plate the food as it was ready. She looked at Harry as he asked why she stopped the show, shaking her head. “Cause you can get a private one later.” She shrugged, deciding that would be more effective than whatever she was doing in this kitchen.

Harry brows raised up and he took her word for it. A private show? Hell yeah. When he had been spooked at the strippers for his 19th birthday party, he would be very happy to see his Y/N run around and dance for him. Especially in his clothes. 

“I’m hungry, so I can wait for the show.” He laughed, turning the music down and grabbing the plate she had made up to bring it to the table. He grabbed the drinks and set the table up for them, humming as he did so. It hadn’t been very long at all with Y/N being his real girlfriend, but it was the most comfortable he had ever been with someone. He would tell her that later but he was relishing in the comfortable and warm energy in the home.

Y/N walked over to the table once everything was in order, taking a seat next across from Harry. She lit the candles she placed on the table, winking at Harry as she did so. “Some romantic ambiance.” She teased, setting the lighter down before looking down at her food. She loved stir fry and asian cuisine in general, she thought it was delicious and quite easy to make. Y/N took a forkful into her mouth and moaned, doing a little dance. It was really good, she hoped that he enjoyed it. 

“How was the rest of your day? How’d the studio session go?” She asked, genuinely curious because well, she loved hearing him talk about music. Y/N was sure he never got tired of talking about it, but also, it was different talking to her about it than an interviewer per say. “The bakery was quite busy... it’s getting super busy lately and I think it’s because of you actually... you’re a loyal customer and now everyone wants to try.”

Harry loved her reactions to food. She always got so excited and pleased with it and gave adorable little reactions that had him nearly cooing. Even before they were together together, he had found it endearing. 

“The session was good. Finishing up a song. You’ll be at the tail end tomorrow which is kind of boring but also interesting. It’s a lot of re—recording things that aren’t just right, moving things around, trying different takes. But I think you’ll enjoy it. You always seem interested in it.” He felt that she would be the perfect candidate for a third ear. “I’m glad we can get people in there to try. They’re bound to end up repeating customers too.” He had no doubt. “I’m excited to see how much it grows from now on. If I can help in any way, I would really like to.” It was an honest offer. When he took a bite, he hummed happily. “Hm. This is really good, baby.” He complimented. “‘Not only a little baker, but a cute chef on my hands too?”

It warmed Y/N’s heart to know that he wanted to help her with the bakery the best he could. She and Katya put her heart and soul into it, so to see it start to take off was truly incredible. “Thank you baby.. and I’m glad to hear you had a good day.” It just seemed like the two of them seeing each other throughout the day improved their work ethic too. They really were so good for each other. “A domestic goddess I am.” She joked, taking another bite because she really was hungry as well. “I figured it would be nice to cook for you since we’ve been eating out so much. Have a nice relatively healthy meal.” Y/N shrugged and took a sip of her water. She truly didn’t mind cooking either, much like baking it was one of her passions. “I’ve known you for how long now? Like 5 months and we’ve been properly dating for like a month?” Y/N wasn’t exactly sure, she had to look, but roughly those were the numbers. “Wow...” she chuckled to herself, realizing just how deep she was in already. Y/N often fell deep for guys, giving them 100% straight out the gate and kept it consistent. She’d never really had any proper luck. Harry was her first actual boyfriend. “I usually eat a lot healthier, but I like to focus all my time with you on you, so I haven’t been cooking much.” When she went home before he would cook himself food or order from nicer places or go out with other friends but now he didn’t want to waste a moment. Not when Y/N was around.

“A proper month, huh? Feels a lot longer for some reason.” It was just an incredibly comfortable dynamic between them. They just got one another perfectly. She hadn’t given up on him when he was an asshole and he was always going to remember that. “5 months sounds correct. Although I wish I hadn’t been such a tool the first few, I’m glad I get to make it up to you now.” Y/N would soon even be flooded with gifts and a huge surprise for her birthday. He had stopped by the bakery to tell Katya on one of Y/N’s off days so he could figure out how to help with her absence. He was having a friend from Cheshire come down to help while Y/N was away with him. “It feels a lot more comfortable with you. Like... dunno how to explain it but it’s something that I haven't felt with anyone else. You know?”

Hearing Harry say that made Y/N incredibly soft. All she had ever wanted was to make Harry feel comfortable and loved. He deserved it. She felt like all his previous relationships, from what she knew about them, he felt like he had to prove himself in some way and it hurt her heart to think about. 

“You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear that.” She started, “you’re so special to me. I know I don’t say it a lot, mostly because I’m still so in my head about trying not to freak you out. I always knew that if I ever got to date you that I’d make you the happiest man in the world... and I’ve made that my mission daily.” Y/N blushed, looking down at her food before taking another bite because she felt like she could ramble about how much she cared about him for hours. If she wasn’t careful she’d end up saying the L word. She loved him. Properly. Not just in a fan way, but in a true romantic way. Y/N had grown to get to know him and all his quirks that many didn’t know about him, she’d gotten to experience him as a lover, as a friend, as her number one fan. And she loved him, she was positive.

“Angel... I don’t want you to censor yourself around me. I want to know what you think. Even if you think it’s cringey, I can almost guarantee I want to hear it.” Harry promised. Any thought of Y/N’s, he would die to hear. “I mean it. I want to know all about your little likes of mine. I went on twitter today and poke around quietly to see some fan accounts. It’s interesting to me how little things I do, they like so much. I know that in the band it would freak the other guys out a little but... I guess for me, I’m intrigued with how it works and what things my fans really like me doing.” He was an innocent puppy when it came to those things. “But let me tell you... that you’re already making me the happiest I’ve been. So you’re right on track. Especially cooking me good food and giving me someone to come home to.” His smile was genuine and soft to her. “I had been lonely for a long time.”

“Okay but like, I don’t think you understand the extent.” Y/N blushed, knowing he said he could handle it but she was nervous because she knew it would come off very obsessive even though she just really cared about him. So fucking deeply she cared about him. It was only amplified now that she consistently had him as a part of her life. “Baby... that’s so cute.” She pouted, wanting to smother him in kisses. Y/N constantly just wanted to squeeze him, attack him with kisses as he often did with her. Everything he did just sent her. “You can um.. look through my Twitter after dinner if you’d like. I post a lot about you on there.” Y/N explained, it was strictly a stan account. “You’re never going to be lonely again. And I mean that.” Y/N said genuinely, knowing that if things continued to go this well she would happily marry him. She had been wanting nothing more. Dating Harry was even better than she had ever imagined, and though she knew they could get in little fights here and there, they’d always find their way back.

Harry didn’t plan on this having an end date. His Aquarius sun had fought him a bit in the beginning, being so sure that Y/N wasn’t the one, but once they’d decided on being together? He was keeping her. There was a lot of stubbornness in Harry, and he had decided Y/N was the one for him. 

“I’m not lettin’ you go so I’m glad you've come to terms with it.” He smirked at her. God, he adored this pretty girl with his whole heart. It was entering love territory though, and that oddly didn’t scare him as much as he thought it would. Sure, it was scary in some ways. Letting her have his whole heart in his palm. But he trusted her. “But you’re giving me your Twitter? Oooooo.” Harry wiggled his brows. “Gonna read all your direct messages too. I’m very excited to see what you could possibly have on there.” He knew there had to be some real shit because she groaned and blushed. “Can’t take it back! Nope. It’s fine for me to know the true fan in you. But it isn’t going to freak me out, baby. After dinner, we can settle on the couch or even in bed and cuddle a little. Been lookin forward all day.”

A calm feel over Y/N as he told her that he wasn’t letting her go. She believed him. She actually believed him and that was the best part about it. Never in her life had Y/N ever felt truly cared for and accepted, never had she expected it to be Harry. She had always wanted it to be him, dreamed about it being him, and the fact that he was suggesting she really was the one for him? God she couldn’t put that feeling into words. 

“Yes I am, don’t make me regret it.” Y/N said in a stern tone though it really had no bite behind it. When he mentioned direct messages she fumbled with her fork. “Oh god, I don’t even know what I sent—” Y/N shook her head. He didn’t follow her on twitter but she had had someone put her in a group chat with him and then leave. Essentially gifting her a dm with him. A cuddle did sound really nice though, she’d let him read through it though just so she could listen to his voice and relax with him. Y/N knew there would be some funny tweets and some emotional tweets. Just a roller coaster of things really.

Dinner was relaxing and calm and he found himself on the couch with Y/N in no time. They’d cleaned up the dishes together and settled in, Harry sending Y/N to find the nice big blanket in the ball closer. When he came back, he found a little Y/N burrito in the blankets and swore his heart melted. 

“Dunno where my pretty girlfriend has gone. All I see is this burrito. Looks awfully similar though.” Harry smirked at the joke and she sent him an eye roll but obviously found it cute by the blush on her cheeks. “Now, if my burrito girlfriend will unroll, let her boyfriend inside said blanket burrito and give him said phone to look through the twitter app, it would be appreciated.” He sat on the couch and waited expectantly for her.

Y/N giggled, rolling herself out of the burrito with ease. She crawled into Harry’s lap and sat sideways with her back against the arm of the chair so she could watch him look through her Twitter. This would be fun. 

“Okay so, the best way to do it is this...” Y/N said, typing in her at name and the word ‘harry’ into the search bar revealing all the tweets about Harry that she has made over the years. Oh boy. “My first tweet dates back to 2012, are you ready?” Y/N shook her head, handing him the phone so he could begin to scroll through. 

A lot of the tweets were just his name or saying something along the lines of ‘harry is so hot’ or ‘I love harry’. All of which were true, it just shocked her because of the sheer amount she had tweeted about him. Hundreds and hundreds of tweets and those were just the ones with his name in them. That didn’t count all the photos she had tweeted or videos she reacted to. Harry couldn’t believe how many tweets there were. He was in awe. Y/N hadn’t been lying. Not that Harry has thought she was but this just solidified the fact that she was a mega fan. All else aside? It was fucking hilarious. 

“Wow... my god, Y/N.” He giggled. “You’ve been a fan since... you were a wee sperm? And now you swallow my sperm. Talk about character development.” Harry snickered. Y/N gasped and smacked his shoulder lightly but he wasn’t going to stop. Oh no. This was too good. “The screenshot. You think I’m cute and want to fuck me? Even on that day! I appreciate it.” It was incredibly funny and surreal to see how she has genuinely been tweeting at him for years and years. “Another December girlfriend... that's cold. Considering you were a December girlfriend for a time. Life’s crazy. But now you’re my all seasons girlfriend, so you win.” He kissed the side of her head and continued on. “Hmmm. Love my butt. Want to suck my dick! I can’t say I’m not having the time of my life. This is the best ego boost.” He smirked. “Wait... I spit at you?” He widened his eyes and a large smile on his face. It turned dirty quicker. “So... went from loving that you had water spit on you, to now asking me to spit in your mouth. Such a good grown up situation.”

Y/N blushed deeply, shaking her head to herself as she read through some of the tweets herself. But despite her embarrassment, Harry was enjoying them so she let herself go a bit and just accepted that she was cringey when she was younger. 

“Harry I was a minor!!” Y/N shook her head, laughing at his comments. “But they did age well. All accurate. Still think you’re cute and wanna fuck you at the same time, I was your December girlfriend but now I’m just your girlfriend, also... love your butt and want to suck your dick still so... I’m consistent if anything.” Y/N said as a matter of factly. “Where do you think that kink came from?” Y/N chuckled, looking at him with a raised brow. She cupped his cheek and just looked at him in awe for a moment, “you know how surreal this is? For me? It’s documented how I’ve been dreaming about this for 9 whole years...” Y/N truly got emotional thinking about it. Her thumb swiped over his bottom lip, smiling fondly at him for a moment before pressing a sweet and kiss to his lips and pulled away to nuzzle her face into his neck. “Okay continue.”

“Mm. I know. I wouldn’t have made a move on you back then if you were a minor. I don’t do that. Unlike other band members.” Harry shrugged. What? It sat with him wrong that Liam was dating a girl when she was underage and lied about it to everyone possible.

“Oop.” Y/N said with a giggle, knowing exactly who he was talking about. It was weird for Y/N to suddenly know all the ins and outs of the band and things in Harry’s life, but it made a lot more sense and explained why Harry is the way he is and why he acts a certain way. 

 “I’m glad though. That you get to live this out with me. Cause if you weren’t a fan we wouldn’t have met... but we are so suited for each other.” They truly were the most suited for one another that he had ever seen. The photos of them faking were very real looking because they both harbored those feelings. “You’re something else. My god, Kiska.” He chuckled as he placed a hand on her thigh as he continued to read. “There's a whole lot about my dick here. Been dirty for forever. And then you get soft... aw. Sayin’ you want to wear my sweater. The purple one? You can. It’s put away in my little chest but I can dig it out for you.”

Y/N picked up her head from his neck, “really?” She asked with eyes full of wonder. “I think you should at least wear that color more... we all went crazy. You just looked so cute and soft and it made your eyes look nice.” Y/N’s tone was so gooey. It was clear to tell that she had been very invested. “You gave me all those shirts to wear and like... all of them are so iconic among fans. If only you knew.” Y/N commented, wondering what else he had hidden in that chest of his. Maybe she could find some old gems. Y/N knew twitter was a safe option for him to scroll freely on. Something that she hoped stayed a secret was her tumblr, but she had a feeling fans would dig it up somehow.

“Well tell meee.” Harry whined, handing her phone back. “Memorized your user and stuff so I will look at more later. But I want my lesson in what you fans like.” He leaned back against the couch and wrapped his arm around her, letting her settle into his body. “Want to know what drives all of you crazy and what you hate and love. It’s so interesting to me.” He was so intrigued by it all. Y/N knee more than anyone else he knew though. “What is the lingo and stuff? I feel like a middle aged father when it comes to learning the hip things. Also... don’t think I didn’t catch those other tweets. Calling me daddy since then, huh? That’s interesting. Considering how often you use it to get what you want now.”

“So you want to know the tea?” Y/N started off, getting properly cozy with him on the couch. “Do you know what tea means?” She asked, wondering how basic his knowledge was. Y/N felt like tea was a common word used so he should know it, but he probably still struggled to grasp the concept. “Tea is gossip. Do you want to know the gossip?” Y/N felt like she could teach him easily, but it would take a while. Maybe some observing on twitter will help. “Contextual clues help as well, but let’s get into it.” She hummed and thought about his question. “So, we love seeing pictures of you anytime anywhere doing anything. Your fans are essentially all like girlfriends, they all want to love and protect you.” Y/N smiled as she explained. “We love when you just act like yourself, when you’re goofy and just do your quirky Harry things. Like that nose scrunch you do and rub your nose with your knuckle. And you picking your lip.” Y/N pointed out a few harrisims. “The way you say the word ‘obviously’ like ‘ovishly’” she giggled at that one because it was just really cute. “Don’t really hate anything besides the fact that you didn’t really have good friends around you till recently. People would stalk the people you hung out with and report back to us, essentially giving us all the insights... a fan background check if you will. That’s why all your previous relationships weren’t as successful. They didn’t have a good track record.” Y/N explained to him, “mines flawless, obviously.” She winked.

“It’s so odd to think that those things are so normal but you all like them much. Not in a bad way at all but... it’s just incredibly interesting to know that things I don’t even think twice about are your favorite things.” Harry was shocked. The nose thing and how he said certain words weren’t conscious decisions. “Also.. tea? I’ve heard someone say the phrase before but I wasn’t paying all that much attention if m’honest.” He admitted to Y/N. She would get that he wasn’t at all that current and stayed off of socials usually. “Obviously... I’m not the most up to date. But I like learning. I feel good that you are at least in the know about this stuff. Can always ask you about them. I have a question though. Do people mean it when they ask me to run them over? It seems a bit excessive and I would never, but I see a lot of people telling me they want me to and I don’t get it.”

“I know baby, we just love the things that are unique to you. Being a fan is not different than having a crush I think.” Y/N explained, “it’s a strange relationship between artists and fans... because the way artists’ speak to fans like, telling them they love, appreciate, support, and accept them? that can do a lot for someone who is impressionable.” She would know first hand. 

“it puts fans in a headspace where they feel safe with that person because they feel seen and heard. It’s quite special. I think it’s really lovely that you’re curious to know what it’s like... it shows so much about your character and I know for a fact your fans know just how great you are. We fight for you... but everyone loves you.” Y/N felt like she was rambling but he needed to know all of this. Y/N snorted a bit when he mentioned the run me over trend, shaking her head. “No, baby, they don’t mean it.” She said, combing through his hair with her fingers. “Best way to explain it is, when you're so attracted to someone to love someone so much that it’s overwhelming, you would rather feel intense pain? A lot of it is for comedic effect.” It was harder to explain than she thought. “It’s a more extreme version of ‘choke me daddy’.”

Harry absorbed all the information. It was a lot to take in but truthfully, he was in awe. They loved him so much, didn’t they? He always knew that, of course he did. But it was something else completely when it came down to it. He was some people’s happiness and truly, Harry couldn’t understand it fully. 

“Kind of like with you. Like you so much that wanna bash my head in sometimes. Always thinking about you.” He pulled a quick move and rubbed her to straddle his lap. His arms wrapped around her waist and held her to him, fingers sneaking up the shirt to rub the bare skin of her back. Harry has found that she melted with just a little bit of back rubbing. “I do like when you tell me to choke you, though. S’fun. We have immaculate sex.” He hummed. Sex hadn’t ever been this good. Ever. Y/N was adventurous and kinky. “Speeeeeaking of. Is there anything you’d like to try?” He’s meant to have this conversation earlier. “We really kind of just... hopped into it. I think we can just tell what we like. But I wanted to ask if there’s things you like and don’t like. Be more open about it.”

Y/N giggled at how he did his best to make a similar comment, he was adorable. She squeaked a bit as he made a quick move to have her straddling him, it was her favorite position really both for sex and for cuddling. It felt properly close, like she could hold him completely just like he could hold her. 

“Course you do.” Y/N snickered, pecking his nose softly. “We do have immaculate sex, truly have never had better.” She agreed, watching his smile widen as it always did when she gave him compliments like that. Harry really did just tend to every need of hers and she was always eager to do the same. “Um... well, I’d be truly willing to try anything as long as you’d be up for it.” Y/N said truthfully, thinking a bit about what they could try that they haven’t tried just yet. “You’re an actor now, maybe you’d like to experiment in some role play at some point.” She teased, “haven’t tied me up yet either... haven’t got any toys either.” Y/N brought up, wondering what was on his mind when it came to these things.

“Hm... would like to do all of those, I believe. I think that it would be good. Toys would be fun. Know those little wand vibrators? Would be fun to tie you up and use one on you.” Oh, Harry could be evil in that sense. Over sensitivity was fun because Y/N got so whimpers and whiny, her legs would shake and he was obsessed with making her little noises she would make. “We’ll have to order some toys. Trying to decide if I should just order some fun things or have you help me, though.” He said in faux thought. Of course he would include Y/N in it. Through their many many sexual rounds, he found that she was rather submissive. Liked when he took control and ordered her to do things. Was an absolute pro at sucking his cock. Truly... he loved it. But what he had found out was that he was a slut for licking her out. 

A lot of the time he would wake her up with his mouth between her thighs. It couldn’t be helped. The girl tasted so sweet, her cunt was beautiful, and she would wake up and make the cutest noises. A few times she tried to physically push her away from sensitivity  and he just held on and continued for another two orgasms. She fell asleep back after that. It was weird but he felt like he was on a high every time he did it. Some men didn’t like it but Harry has a growing obsession. 

“Speaking of again.. can I eat you out tonight?” Harry loved making her blush when he asked them so bluntly.

Y/N’s eyes darkened, excited to hear that he was willing to try everything she had mentioned. “Could do both... order some things with me and without me. I like surprises.” Y/N smiled mischievously, relaxing into the feeling of his hands against her back. The one thing that shook Y/N to her core was just how much he liked eating her out. He would use any excuse to go down on her and it was truly a blessing. Never had she had a man worship her pussy the way Harry did, she felt like she was some godly creature with the way he took pleasure in pleasuring her. Her face went red, tingles sent directly to her core at the mere thought. “You don’t have to ask, you know that..” Y/N said shyly, fully wanting him to know that she would be okay with him eating her out whenever he wanted. Literally whenever. She’d never be opposed. They both had a high sex drive and it sometimes got the best of them, neither of them would ever say no. One of them was in the mood and then the other always got the other in the mood fairly quickly. “I want to know what else you’re into... like wildest things.”

“Hm. Sounds like a conversation over a blunt, hm?” Harry and Y/N had only smoked together 3 times but it really was nice. Sex was a bit wilder too. They let down their inhibitions and generally had a lot dirtier things come out of their mouths during so he figured it would be a good conversation to have over smoking. Y/N perked up, and Harry laughed. His girl did quite like it. “I’ll tell you some wild things, dirty ones. But I need to be high to not be a little shy about it.” It was understandable though. The both of them were very much open but sex was their golden area. It only took a few minutes before Y/N was back on his lap, sitting with her thighs over him now. Harry took a hit, letting it settle for a moment before breathing it out. He swore, there was some kind of kink he had for Y/N when she smoked because it always looked incredibly sexy. 

“Alright, princess.” He settled in. “You want to know kinks? Or fantasies? We both know I’m a very dirty man.”

Perks of dating Harry meant good quality weed and pre rolled joints and blunts. Y/N was pretty good at rolling herself. It was Y/N’s biggest vice next to sex. She watched as he lit the blunt, taking a few hits of it before handing it to her. Y/N breathed in the smoke, holding it in her lungs for a moment before letting it out. It truly was one of the most relaxing feelings, especially someone like her who seemed to be tense all the time without even realizing it. 

“Mhm, anything you’re willing to tell me.” She said and took another hit, feeling herself relax even more. Her filters were going away, her mind more open to creativity as well. “You are a dirty man, my dirty man though. Always know what I want somehow.”

“Hm. It’s weird that we haven’t had this conversation before now but, we are just starting off, huh?” Harry thought out loud. “It feels a lot longer. I dunno, I just feel like I know you.” He still had so much more to figure out about her though. “Hm. Okay... I have a kink for public stuff.” A bold beginning. “Like... when I played with you at the club? That was one of the hottest things.. I like the danger. People may see. It’s so hot. Like, head or fucking in the car. Dressing room or bathroom sex. Fingering under a table. That shit really gets to me.” He cleared his throat, taking the blunt from her again. “I really like messy. Know you know that but. When it’s really hot and dirty, lots of cum and all of that. I dunno why it gets me off. Spit. That’s beyond sexy to me.” He was trying to think of more but there was a lot. “I like spanking you. Being in control. That’s the hottest thing to me, I think. You trusting me with being in charge and being able to tell how much you can handle. That’s so good. When you get a bit sassy and I spank you? I’d like you to be a lot more bratty sometimes so I can really spank you. Make you melt.”

Y/N listened to him intently, admiring him with hooded eyes. He really was kinky, but it wasn’t anything Y/N felt was wild. It was perfect for someone like her who loved being dirty and really letting go during sex.

 “It’s good we are talking about this because sometimes I have these moments where you’re fucking me so good that I like... get into this headspace where I would legit do anything you asked. Think it’s called subspace? I did research on it the other day.” It was one of the hottest things she felt like she could do. It made him hot and that fueled her even more. “I like all of those things. Very much so.” Y/N said with a nod, taking the blunt from him once again. Even just talking about sex got her in the mood. “Did you know I can squirt?” She asked with a smirk, taking another hit from the blunt while she watched his reaction. “It kind just happened one time when I was getting off with a vibrator, I tease the fuck out of myself all day... it was like this one really sensitive part of my clit and it hurt a bit but in a good way, and it felt like I was going to wee but it just fished out and I was so in shock I couldn’t register that I had actually done it.” She spoke in her slow and raspy voice. “Could have phone sex or FaceTime sex as well... when you’re away though, not yet. While you’re here I want to have fucking me till I cry.” Y/N really was a whore for Harry, she couldn’t believe the extent that she would go for him but she liked that she felt comfortable like that. “Be careful what you wish for...” she said when he said he wanted her to be more bratty.

“You can? Well... s’my mission now to get you squirting.” Oh, 100%. Y/N would be getting the bed all messy and that was that. It was a hot thing he hadn’t known she was able to do but was about to make sure it happened very soon. He was also very happy about being able to get her to subspace. It was beyond hot in his opinion because she opened herself up to him and gave him exactly what they’d both needed. Harry control, and her loss of it. “I will definitely be getting you into that space more often. I love making you over sensitive too. When your legs shake and you tell me to stop but you don’t mean it. Or when you can’t even get words out and just sounds. That’s amazing.” He sighed thinking about said things. It was lovely. “However, I am aware of what I’m wishing for. I’ll give you hints when I want it though. You’re usually such a good girl for me. I will definitely be ducking you until you cry tonight. The only tears I want are tears of pleasure and happiness.” He stated. “How do you feel about the other type of sex.” Harry wiggled his brows playfully. God, he was a slut for some ass but he knew it was a hard limit for some. “And about me watching you get off. Cause that’s something hot I’d like to see.”

“You’re quite good at it... I tried to hold myself back from falling completely into it because we hadn’t had a proper conversation about it. But now that you’re aware, I can go all in.” Y/N hummed, “didn’t want you to be caught off guard.” Y/N explained farther knowing that Harry was more than capable of coaching her through her subspace. She whimpered at his words, beyond ready for him to fuck her till she was crying. “Anal? I’ve never actually done anal.” Y/N said honestly, “but if I’m going to do anal with anyone it’d be you... also wouldn’t mind if you wanted me to return the favor.” She had to offer because he probably wouldn’t ask on his own. Harry was quite a dominant person naturally, but even the most dominant people needed a break sometimes. “We’ll get a vibrator and I’ll get off for you.” Y/N started, “you like when I’m all whiney and begging to cum and I usually can cum multiple times with a vibrator and fuck—” she really did miss it. “My fingers are great, but yours are far better. You’re just far better in general. A vibrator is a whole other animal, can just sit back and watch it do what you do to me.”

“Yeah? That sounds so fucking good though, baby.” Harry was beset drooling at the thought. His Y/N cumming over and over... that was a fantasy all in itself. She looked so pretty when she was cumming but to sit back and watch her. “Got to get you a nice vibrator then. Thinkin’ a nice pink? Know that you’d put it to use. Get money's worth.” God, he was obsessed with her. There was just that intense attraction there that had him wrecked every time. She got him good every single time she begged or whimpered or asked for her ‘daddy’... yeah. It was bad. “We can try it. M’not sure if I’d like it or not but for both parties we can.” He shrugged. Open to anything. That’s how he liked it. “But I’m obsessed with the thought of my cum inside both of your holes. That’s so hot to me. Erotic. Think it’ll take some getting used to, but we’re both dirty fucks.” He noticed that she was squeezing her thighs together. “Hm. Do you want to touch yourself while we talk, angel? Can just take off those shorts and do it in your panties.”

Y/N felt her pussy throbbing a bit, desperately needing relief but she was enjoying the conversation. She liked the tension, liked being teased though she would say she hated it till the cows came home. Harry knew just how to press her buttons though. 

“Can I?” She asked softly, looking at his eyes to make sure he wasn’t just saying that to see what she’d say. Y/N did have a massive kink for people watching her, only when she was people she trusted like Harry. Once she got confirmation from him she went to slide the shorts off, relieving some nice lacy red panties she had on underneath. “You’ll see the rest of this later.” Y/N smiled at him, shifting so her legs were a bit more spread and so she could use her right hand to rub over herself with slow and teasing movements. “We can try anything really... any ideas you have, let me know. Really. There are very few limits.” Y/N told him, letting out a small sigh of relief at the feeling of her fingers gliding over her pussy.

“I can tell that. You’ve got me very intrigued with what else your own fantasies are.” There was something erotic about her laying on his lap and her hand between her thighs. She was needy for touch and Harry knew that. She always got impatient when it came to that. “You’re so open, just like me. A whole world of possibilities. That’s what makes us so dangerous.” His hand settled on her belly, rubbing circles into it. He adored giving her any type of attention, but it was different when it came to her rubbing off on his lap. “Trust me. There’s a whole lot I want us to do. Want to fuck you on a plane. Make you cum with people in the room. Have you squirt all over the floor. Finger fuck you in that same club. Want to finish what I started. Tell me though.” He really wanted to know. “What are your deepest and darkest fantasies? The dirtier the better.”

A moan left her lips as he told her all the things he’s got planned for them, feeling herself get even more slick than she was. “Always knew you were a kinky bastard, but I didn’t think you’d be like this. I love it.” Y/N really had thought about what Harry would be into. She’d just about imagined everything under the sun, but her mind sort of drew a blank when it came to telling him. “My deepest darkest fantasies?” Y/N hummed, slowly circling over her clit. “You know I used to get off to the thought of you? Like that was the one thing that was guaranteed to make me cum.”  She admitted, knowing he would like hearing it. It would blow up his ego even more. 

“I thought about all kinds of things... always thought you’d be the type to fuck me when I’m on my period. Also thought about you inviting your friends over to watch us... quite like the idea of you watching me fuck a girl— but only if you’d want to watch. I’d be too jealous to let her touch you. I thought about a lot of the things you mentioned actually. Kinda like the idea of us filming ourselves and watching it back.”

Harry’s ego was beyond blown. She got off to him before he had even met her? That was the ultimate ego boost. He was thriving right now, knowing that he was the source of her orgasms. She had been liking him since she was younger and now got the real thing. 

“Hm. Yes to both of those. Little bit of blood doesn’t scare me. Certainly won’t stop me taking your pussy. That’s when you’re especially horny got it.” He wasn’t squeamish when it came to that. “Fuck. You’d do that, baby? I would love to see that. All of those. People watching us.. you’d make such a pretty show. Especially if we could get you squirting... you’re such a gorgeous picture when you’re fucked out. Needy little cockslut when it comes down to it.” His cock was throbbing. Holy shit, he loved those ideas. “As for you fucking a girl... i’d be very interested. I don’t need to touch her. God... the idea of pounding into you while you’ve got your tongue in pussy... jesus.” He took a second to groan, leaning his head back. Yeah. That was some good shit. “We can film whenever you want. Got our phones, can attach it to the tv to see it. You need to see how desperate you get and how hot it is.”

Listening to him speak was already doing a lot for her, she loved how his voice made her react and it was even better when he was saying such dirty things and she had her hand on her pussy. “Yeah?” She sighed out, adding a little bit more pressure to her clit. “I can tell you like those ideas.” She could feel his cock hardening beneath her. Y/N was taking subtle and slow deep breaths, teasing the shit out of herself and trying to stay as focused as she could. The combination of being high and being horny really fucked her up. “Is it really that bad?” She blushed, nuzzling her face in his neck though she was smiling. “You just get me so riled up, just want to cum for you. It’s always the worst too because you tease me so well and it tests my patients because I barely have any as it is..” Y/N moaned, “I’m such a whore! I always need to fucking cum and you make it so hard!” She pouted.

“You cum a lot. I love it so much. It is really that bad but it’s absolutely a good thing. I want you to be dirty for me. You want my cock and tm fingers and my mouth a lot but it’s relaxing for me too, sweetheart.” Harry cooed. God, he had become a lucky bastard. Y/N was dirty and sweet and made him insane. The best type of person. “Love that you know you’re a whore for it too. So refreshing. Don’t even try and deny it to me, just know that you are.” Y/N was a whore though. In a good way. She wanted it often and thoroughly and wasn’t ashamed to ask for cock when she was really needing it. They’d been properly dating for a month but he was slowly realizing that this girl was the one he wanted forever. That alone had him even more focused on learning her pleasure. This wasn’t a fling.

“It’s pretty hard to deny considering how often I ask you to fuck me. I just own it. Know it turns you on.” Y/N really did know what buttons of his to press, glad that he too was open with her about what he wanted and when he wanted it. Harry was such a private person to the world, but to her he bored it all. It made her feel special, which only added to how horny she was. “I like when you make orders, my pussy throbs every time. I really like when you go all daddy on me and give me permission to do certain things you know I’m holding back on doing. I like when you get that roughness in your voice and your accent goes really northern.” Y/N’s eyes rolled back a bit at the thought combined with the feeling of her fingers against herself. She had been going at it for more than half of their conversation, she pulled her fingers out and brought them to her mouth. “This what you rave about, huh?” She smirked, pointing out his obsession. Y/N really liked the sensation of sucking on fingers but also getting her fingers sucked on. It was a win win really.

Harry loved when she got dirty like this. Eventually they wouldn’t even have the weed to have them like this, he had a feeling. But it felt so natural between them. He wanted to have this all the damn times. The intimacy between them. 

“Fuck, yeah. That’s what I love. You taste so good. Get high off of it. Makes me crazy, I just want to taste it all the fucking time.” His eyes were dark with lust as she sucked on her fingers, finally feeling what he did. “Like when I boss you around, huh? When I tell you to get on the bed or bend over? Get your pussy all wet when I tell you you’re being a good girl and just m’gonna fuck your cunt until you’re a sobbing mess.” That was the goal, ultimately. To have Y/N writhing on the bed, eyes crossed with pleasures he was giving her.

Y/N giggled, a giddy bubbling up at his compliment about her pussy. She had been eating lots of fruit, her favorite were all the different melons, strawberries, and kiwi. Ironic, she knows, but it was really good. “It is really good... I get it now.” She hummed after pulling her fingers out from her mouth. “Yes, daddy. I love it.” Y/N purred, shifting in her seat once again. “What do I do that drives you crazy, hmm?” She asked, “I want to have fun making you all frustrated too, daddy.” Y/N confessed though she knew that would only get him harder. He had wanted her to be more bratty and bratty she would be. She just needed a better tool kit.

“All of it. I love when you wear my shirts. When you give me those little pouty eyes. It’s so hot. Acting innocent while you’re touching my cock, like you don’t know what you’re doing. But on the other side... when you’re dirty and don’t care. Just let go and let us both be filthy.” He hummed. “I love when you whine at me. When I’m fucking you hard and all you can get out are those little ‘uh’s and they go high pitched. I love making you lose control.” He did. Y/N getting unhitched was a turn on for him. “I love when you come and crawl in my lap and talk to me but you’ve got that look. When you know you want to fuck but don’t want to say it out loud so you grind a little bit and pout until I turn you over.” He had a whole list, truly. “Hm.. when you wear those tops that showcase your tits— like the dress that night. When you show off your curves because I’m weak when it comes to you. Those red heels you have.”

Harry really did seem to have a mental list, it was like he was reading right off of it. She felt a cheeky smile creeping up on her face, knowing exactly what he was talking about when he mentioned all those little things she did. Y/N was just glad they worked effectively because that was always her intention. 

“Good to know my methods are working.” She teased, keeping her hands on his chest how they were this whole time. They were building up tension, so much so that they hadn’t even kissed this whole time. It must have been an hour that they were sitting here like this. “Red heels huh? That one caught me.” Y/N said, passing the blunt for him to take a few hits. “I can't believe you remembered them..” She continued thinking about how she could bring them back. “Reckon I could pull them off in a naughty school girl outfit.. what would you do if I turned up here looking like that?”

“Fuck me... seeing you in that? Probably would cum in my pants.” Harry groaned. Yes, he wasn’t even kidding. Y/N would truly get him if she did that to him. That was asking for disaster on his part. Or a beautiful Thing, in Y/N’s case. “What would you do, angel? Come in and ask for some extra credit, hm?” He could totally be down for some role play. His acting stuff had given him a large amount of courage when it came to that. “Come in to suck my cock? Or perhaps offer up that pussy of yours for me...” He murmured. Yes. Yes, he would love that. 

He took a few more hits, before taking a hand and running it up and down the shirt. From where her cunt started to between her tits, he was tracing it up and down as a tease. “What else would you want to play as?”

Y/N smiled triumphantly, “yes sir, I really need an A.” Y/N spoke, already putting on a different voice for the sake of the role. Harry would look damn good in a tie, he could even use it on her. She swore her head was spinning at the mere thought. She’d live out all her favorite fanfics like this. “Could do doctor and patient.. could do prince and maid..” Her mind wondered for a moment. “Officer Styles sounds hot.” Y/N smirked, taking the blunt from him once again. “Also sort of like the idea of you being merciless one night. Obviously I consent to it now and what not, we can go over safe words and stuff.. but in theory.” Y/N began, “could just properly dominate me, like completely. If you’re ever in that mood. If it was random for me? That’d be so hot.” All these fantasies floated through Y/N’s mind on the regular, she really wanted to try everything they’d been talking about. They couldn’t obviously try it all in one night, no they were brainstorming for months ahead of time. That within itself was already getting her hyped. Her birthday was coming up as well. She was curious to see what he would have in store.

“All of those... we could do them all. Trust me, I know we will have the best time doing it too.” Harry knew that. Y/N would be the best possible role play partner when it came down to it. He had a feeling she could act incredibly well. “I’ve never had that sort of trust with someone before. You know? S’good to me that we do. I would love to try that especially. A day where I’m relaxed though. Wouldn’t want to go off the rails and really hurt you.” He had such a temper on him. Most people didn’t see it but he did. “I’m genuinely ready for anything. I want to try everything with you. You’ve made me so happy, my angel. Swear that my cock jerks every time I think about you. Wanna know though... When did you start getting off to the thought of me? What did you think about?”

Y/N did trust Harry, with anything. It was really important to her that they both had a mutual understanding. Their communication skills were great and obviously the two of them had only really been together for a month, but she had a feeling that even in their bumps in the road they’d get past it.  

“You’re too kind.” She smiled fondly at him, nearly slipping up there and telling him she loved him. Y/N found herself in that state constantly, wanting to say ‘I love you’ but always being afraid that it was far too early for that. “When I started? Really young.” Y/N blushed, “I remember I once read this like, fan fiction blurb thing about you and I was like... what is this feeling.” She said biting her lip. “Full on sexual awakening because of you... now your ego is gonna grow five sizes.” It was true though she couldn’t lie, he probably didn’t realize how many girls felt the same way. “I really just thought about being close to you.. having your hands on me. Pictured you eating me out, me riding your cock, and you fucking me doggy style. Definitely the most popular thoughts.”

Holy shit. Harry had literally been her sexual awakening? She had joked about it before but, to know it was real was oddly arousing and pleasing to the ego. He wanted to know more but was In shock. 

“Fuck. You really did?” He whispered, sliding his own hand down to her cunt and pressing over the fabric. “Sit in bed and rub your precious little clit while thinkin’ about me, baby?” Y/N had him going. He loved that. Harry was the one she had always wanted sexually and that was relieving.  He couldn’t believe it. “Used a vibrator... your fingers. Anything else, my sweet girl? I want all the details. You don’t know how hot it is to me. Not a clue.” He felt like he could burst. Pressing his hand over her pussy, he could feel the lace of the panties dampen. Her hips moved up to his hand and he snickered, pressing down right over her entrance.

Y/N jumped at the touch, having waited for him to touch her since he had gotten home really. “Y—yeah, I did.” She spoke softly, feeling her body melt into his properly. Y/N was really fucking high and really fucking horny. Her mind was cloudy and she was ready to tell him anything he wanted to hear. “a pillow.” She told him, trying to remember if there was anything else but it was really only ever those three things. Y/N wasn’t really one to try the shower head method, she felt like it didn’t really work for her. Y/N managed to learn a lot about her body fairly quickly. “Sometimes I’d just... play one of your interviews and just zone out and listen to you talk while I was playing with myself.” She told him, feeling her breath become choppy once again. Y/N whined as he pressed down against her, feeling super needy now that he had given her a little taste.

“My sweet, dirty girl. Fuck me... can’t believe how filthy you truly are. Sat there and humped over your pillow while listening to my voice? Look at you.” Harry groaned. Her body moved up to try and get more of his fingers. It was a fun time. Finger fucking Y/N was amazing. She provided him with every bit of sexual need he wanted, being whiny and pressing up because she just wanted more. And then she would whimper for her daddy and hold his wrist, hump his hand. Make him stay still for a moment while she did so. And then Harry would take the control back. Y/N needed him to take over most of the time. 

Yep. Harry was never letting her go.

-----------------------------------------------

[part 7]

A/N: AHHHHH the next part is the last part so we’re a bit emotional... We enjoyed writing these too so much so please, feel free to send in ideas for blurbs! - n + d

let us know what you think!

masterlist

[bluenet13]

As Tears Go By

Written for @badthingshappenbingo​

Fandom: NCIS Los Angeles

Characters: Marty Deeks, Kensi Blye.

Prompt: Trying Not to Cry

Summary: Losing his job at LAPD forces Deeks to make comparisons to the one man he never wants to feel similar to. But sometimes all that is needed is some perspective, and luckily Kensi is there to help. (Set in December of season 12, after Deeks is fired from LAPD and before Hetty offers him a position at FLETC).

Links: ff.net - AO3

"Hey baby, I'm almost ready." Pants on but still in her bra, Kensi continued to towel dry her hair as she walked outside of the bathroom. Stopping shortly as she noticed Deeks still in bed. "Why aren't you ready? Are you feeling alright?"

Not able to ignore her concern any longer, Kensi reached a hand towards her husband's forehand, looking for signs of a fever that weren't going to be there. Deeks' disinterest when she had offered to shower together should have been a red flag but she had decided to play it cool and accept his explanation that he had taken a late shower when he came home from tending the bar. But now, finding the usual early riser and basically Santa's little helper still tangled in their bed sheets when they were supposed to be going out to pick their tree, Kensi realized she was missing something.

Mumbling something to himself, Deeks swatted Kensi's hand away and turned to stare at the opposite side of the room. "I'm okay," he eventually whispered, his words understandable this time around.

Nodding and sighing at the same time, Kensi tried to tamper down her emotions, walking back to the bathroom and continuing to get dressed. Maybe Deeks was really tired and just needed five more minutes.

Dressed and ready, Kensi picked his pants that accentuated his body in all the right places and the blue sweatshirt she loved as it made the color in his eyes bright even shinier, and dropped the clothes on the bed, partially over Deeks so he would get the hint, then left the room to make some coffee. Hoping the scent of fresh brew would do the trick and push Deeks out of bed.

Thirty minutes, two cups of coffee, and three pastries later, Kensi gave up hoping time would be enough, and decided to take matters into her own hands. "Hey Deeks, I brought you a coffee," Kensi said as she came into the room.

Mumbling again, Deeks pointed to the nightstand with disinterest, promptly dropping his arm back into the bed.

At a loss of what else to try, Kensi sat on the bed and began playing with Deeks' blonde locks. "Baby, what's going on? Talk to me. Did something happen at the bar? Are you feeling unwell?"

"I'm okay, Kens," Deeks said, doing his best to sound more convincing this time, but still continuing to stare at the wall, practically raising an invisible wall in between them, and now raising a million red flags in Kensi's mind.

"Then what's going on? Last week you kept going on and on about picking the best and biggest tree in the lot. You even wanted to get it before Thanksgiving and I had to convince you to wait a little bit longer. Now, you don't even want to get out of bed. So, what's happening here? What am I missing?" Kensi's tone had gone lower with each new word, her last question barely above a whisper. "Please, baby, let me in. Let me help." She added after some minutes had passed and Deeks hadn't spoken a single word.

"I just don't think we should be spending money on a tree right now," Deeks admitted softly.

"What? Why n...?" Kensi cut her question short as realization dawned on her. Deeks was a jokester but he felt things strongly and his emotions ran deeper than most. "Is this about LAPD? Deeks, we already spoke about that, we know it's temporary."

"And what if it isn't?" Deeks asked with a pained exhale, "we shouldn't be making emotional purchases when we're living on one salary alone. We also want to buy a house and start a family. All that takes money... money we don't have. Especially once my situation becomes permanent, and we both know it probably will. I mean, the only person that could have defended me left to become Commander of SWAT." As if an invisible barrier had lifted with the admission, Deeks finally got out of bed and sat next to Kensi. A hand searching for hers, while the other nervously played with the hem of the sweatshirt Kensi had brought him.

Having finally gotten to the root of the matter, Kensi allowed herself a brief smile to herself, before it turned sad and dejected, as she realized she couldn't offer Deeks the certainty and finality he needed. So she tried what she thought was the next best thing. "I'm sorry about Bates, Deeks. I know he gave you crap constantly but I also know he was good to you when it mattered. Even then, what you mean and what you have done for the LAPD is still true, regardless of your relationship with him, and they're fools if they don't realize what they would be losing if they let you go," Kensi began angrily, then softened her tone. "As for us, the house can wait until your situation is straightened out. We still have my Federal Agent salary. It's not as lucrative working for the government, but it's more than enough to get the tree. It really doesn't cost that much and if anything, it shouldn't be more than the overtime I worked for the last two cases alone."

"Living off my salary's wife is not really how I imagined life would be in my forties," Deeks said, but the harsh nature of his words softened by the way his voice began to break at the end.

"Where is this coming from, Deeks? Since when do you compare yourself to women in that way?" Kensi had other, more hostile words in mind, but her intention was to help Deeks, not start an argument. But his words had brought back old memories of dealing with sexist cops and misogynist men when starting her career in law enforcement, and she would be lying if she said it didn't sting.

Pulling back his hand from Kensi's, Deeks ran it through his face, then over his eyes in frustration. "I'm sorry, Kens. I didn't mean it that way. It's just…" A lump pressed it way up his throat and his eyes glazed over with tears, but he wiped them angrily. "My father also lost his job once. And that's when everything changed," Deeks said in a single exhale. And with his last word, his shoulders sagged, as his eyes began to cloud again and his breath hitched.

And there it was. The real reason behind Deeks' attitude. The honesty and sadness in his words, making Kensi's anger evaporate in a second, because she knew how much it must have hurt Deeks to make that admission.

"Oh, baby, you're nothing like your father." Bidding herself some time to find better words, Kensi pulled Deeks into her arms. Her heart breaking as he tensed at the same time a soft sniff escaped him.

"I might not be. But the situation is." Deeks closed his eyes as he continued, feeling the tears that were already pressing against his lids. "He was never the best father, but he was good and he always tried his best. We were happy. Then one year he lost his job, and at first, he tried again. But eventually he grew frustrated and began taking it on my mom. Then on me. By that time, he had already spent all his nights drinking his savings away at the local bar and there was no going back." When Deeks was done, he opened his eyes again and rubbed them with a heavy sigh.

"Deeks, baby, wait. Your situations are nothing alike. Many people lose their jobs but it's not the end of the line. Just a temporary setback." Not all people lose their jobs and become your father, she wanted to add, but decided against it. Drawing back, she took Deeks by the shoulders and stared at his blue eyes deeply, hoping that in her steady gaze he would find proof to believe her words were nothing but the truth.

"Maybe I'm not drinking it per se, but I saw alcohol destroy my father, and for some time, my mother too. And what did I do? Pour our savings into the very same thing that was my family's downfall." With that admission, Deeks' eyes again filled with tears, but he squeezed them shut, refusing to let any of them fall. As a child he had cried for his father, but as an adult he had promised himself to never shed another tear for the man.

"The Squid and the Dagger is not that. I admit, at first I didn't see it. But now I do. Your bar, our bar... is not a place for drunkards and violent men. It's a place for family, and joy and fun. When have we seen the team out of work so often? When have we spent so much family time with them? Never. Your idea, your dream, did that. It gave us the place we all needed to feel welcomed and at home. It gave Nell and Callen a place to mourn when they lost their mother and father. It gave Sam a place to start a new relationship away from the places he used to frequent with Michelle. It's giving Eric a place to see us and stay close to the team now that he's a billionaire and his calling in life has grown from just doing good with NCIS. It's giving us a new purpose, and a place to have the family we lacked before."

"But, we already have NCIS for that. We have OSP and the boatshed," Deeks tried to argue. Then he sniffed again, eyes burning.

"NCIS is where we work, Deeks. But it's not a home. It took me a long time to realize that. You're my home, and Callen, Sam, Hetty, Eric, Nell, even Fatima, and Roundtree. You taught me that Deeks, you just need to remember." Squeezing Deeks' shoulders, Kensi hoped he could feel the conviction behind her words, because when she had been at her lowest, Deeks had taught her the meaning of home, and she won't let him forget now. "One time you told me that you were already home, but that didn't mean NCIS as a location, it meant the team. It meant us, even if "us" didn't exist at the time in the way it does now. The feeling of home doesn't come from NCIS, but we do live it every day we're at the bar. The Squid and the Dagger means family."

Deeks nodded, but his eyes, the window to his soul, still looked troubled. Clouded not only by the tears he still kept from falling, but its familiar blue, darkened by the memories of his painful past.

Still seeing that uncertainty in Deeks' eyes, Kensi decided to throw a hail mary. "The Squid and the Dagger is not even the type of bar your dad would have frequented. I have the feeling he might have even hated it." Kensi continued to pile her arguments, still hoping the conviction and certainty in her words would help Deeks as much as the meaning behind them. "Plus, it's been a couple years already and we have never even had a fight or incident at the bar."

Deeks chuckled but before he could say anything Kensi beat him to it. "And Callen and Arkady playing pool doesn't count. The game just got a little heated." Deeks' raised eyebrows had been a total giveaway about where his mind had gone and nobody knew him better than Kensi.

"Too bad Callen and Arkady alone can't keep the bar afloat. Maybe if Hetty and Anna joined them. But who knows where they are now." Deeks shrugged sadly, tears still pricking at the corner of his eyes.

"We're coming off a bad year, baby. Stay at home orders sure did a number on the bar, but that's behind us now. Things will only get better from here." Deeks' attempt at a joke was a good sign but Kensi wasn't ready for teasing just yet. She knew Deeks always resorted to humor when talks got too personal, even when things still bothered him, and she was determined to avoid that today.

"And, you're definitely right. Brandel would have really hated The Squid and the Dagger. He wasn't really into the ocean aesthetics and our decorations surely wouldn't have been to his taste." Deeks went right over Kensi's last statement, drawing comfort from the realization her words brought him and choosing to focus on that lighthearted part of her arguments.

"Deeks," Kensi started, in a confident but soft tone, "come on, baby. You know I'm right about more than just that. You will never be like him, regardless of what happens with LAPD. You can always find a new purpose, be it with NCIS as an agent, again in the law, or something else entirely. What matters is not the job you do, but what's inside... the strength of your character, and you never have to worry about that." Kensi tried again, hoping to get Deeks to open up a little more before his perfectly constructed mask was back in its place.

Deeks nodded with a tearful smile, a single tear sliding down his face. This time, it was not for his father, but in gratitude for the woman sitting beside him. So this one time, he let it roll. Hoping it would also take with it the memories of Brandel that had just resurfaced. "Thanks, Kens. And that's only one reason why I love you. Your trust in me means more than I could say."

"And don't ever forget it," Kensi said proudly, pulling Deeks towards her and giving him another hug. Because sometimes that's all a man needed. "And for whatever it's worth, our bar will never be a symbol of your father or the awful things he did to you and Roberta. Things are tough this year, but the Squid will resurface." Kensi wished she could promise that it would, but this year had shown them that life was even more unpredictable than they thought and sometimes shit just happened. And you couldn't do anything about it, only hope that life would eventually get better and the good shoe would drop to balance it all out.

"Too bad we didn't name it The Phoenix and the Dagger, or we could have said the bar would be reborn from its metaphorical ashes." Deeks corrected with a chuckle, the familiar spark in his eyes returning as the morning light reflected off his unshed tears.

"Yeah, too bad," Kensi quipped sarcastically. "I knew I shouldn't have let you watch that Harry Potter marathon. That sounds like a name straight out of a Rowling's book."

"Oh, Harry Potter. Maybe we should add trivia night to the bar. I'm sure Brandel would have hated that too," Deeks proposed with fake enthusiasm, but a very real new purpose to turn his bar into everything Brandel wasn't. "Maybe Callen and Arkady would like it too… that way we can avoid any more pool incidents," he added with a slight grimace.

"I'm sure Callen and Arkady would manage to turn even trivia into a bar brawl. Maybe we just need to find Anna so she can keep her boys in line," Kensi shot back, deciding progress enough had been made and now she could lighten up and banter with Deeks. At least she now knew what was up in Deeks' mind so she could keep an eye on him and any more signs of his old demons making a return.

"Anna would probably join them and cause even greater havoc," Deeks said matter-of-factly. He then pulled Kensi towards him and kissed her passionately.

"What was that for?" Kensi asked, when they parted for breath.

"To say thank you, for everything," Deeks breathed out, pulling Kensi all the way towards him and deepening the kiss.

"Whoa there cowboy. Slow your roll. Time to get dressed and go for that Christmas tree," Kensi cut in, when his movements had become more intense and exploratory.

"We already waited a week, I'm sure we can wait one more day," Deeks said with a shrug, his hands already beginning to lift the hem of Kensi's shirt.

Looking directly at Deeks, Kensi could still see the glistening of tears in his eyes. But instead, she decided to focus on the hunger and love reflected in there too. Every word she had said was something she now believed to her core, and even if it had taken her a long time to realize it, she now knew that NCIS, or the LAPD for that matter, were not, and had never been, their home. They had only been a pathway to each other. And they were together now, so where they worked didn't really matter. Whatever happened, they would be okay.

So, letting her resolve crumble, Kensi took Deeks' hand and let herself be pulled towards their bed, lips crashing, and only parting for a moment so Kensi could move her hands to either side of Deeks' face to softly wipe any remaining tears from his eyes. With that done, Kensi gave in happily, letting her shirt be lifted as she began her own exploration of Deeks' body.

2020 had been a year to forget, but they hoped 2021 would be one to remember, starting with this very moment, and whenever that was done, with the two of them going together to buy the prettiest tree in the lot.

[musicallisto]

Hello love,

Congratulations for the 800 followers! You absolutely deserve this and so much more! I'm happy to see how your blog grows and that you're still providing all of us with wonderful content. You're one of the first blogs that I've started to follow here on Tumblr and I'm so lucky to have found your blog ♡

As for your celebration event, could I please request a 🍨 vanilla milkshake with a male Peaky Blinders Character?

I'm more on the curvy side (and insecure about it) and I'm ALWAYS wearing black (which I love, no matter what others say or even more if they object). As for my personality, I'm a highly complex, paradox and complicated individium. I'm unbelievable patient, timid, awkward, kind, forgiving, open-minded, compassionate, thruthful, gentle and calm and I've been told that I have a calming effect on others, that I can easily ground anyone and anything, no matter how troubled their mind is. I prefer vintage over modern things. I think rather deep which often leads me to overthinking everything, which in turn leads me to doubting (very much) myself. You would be surprised how timid and reserved I am, I'm sure you wouln't notice me in a room full of people if it wouldn't be for my different appearance (but I like it this way). I'm always well-meaning, yet often misunderstood (maybe because it's hard for me to articulate myself). I can be incredible lazy, clumsy and forgetful. I've always felt like I don't really belong anywhere, so I've started to distance myself from others a while ago. I'm a outsider, weird, a dork, not normal, a loner and I fucking love it, because I like to be different, I would hate to fit into just one box and to be like everyone else. And I like people who are not ashamed to be their 100% true self, no matter how different that is from the mainstream. I'm the most loyal person you'll ever find, once you earn my trust, I'll always be on/by your side, no matter what. That says a lot, because I'm hard to scare away. Sometimes I feel alienated from the people and things surrounding me and I'm sure that I annoy and bore them. I'm very nervous and insecure around others, which is why I try to avoid people and why I'm not talking all that much around them (though, I'm a really good listener). I'm easily overwhelmed by large crowds and much light/noise, that's why I don't like to go outside, I prefer to cozy up at home. I would never intentionally hurt a animal and I'm not eating any meat, which is very important to me. I believe that there isn't a ounce of cruelty inside me. I'm unassuming and understanding, I only believe what I've witnessed on my own and I have endless acceptance for almost everything. Due to my Insomnia, I'm a night owl. I have strong personal values, am very opinionated and I'm really in-touch with myself and even though I'm extremly insecure, I would never reduce or change myself and views/opinions for someone and I neither have a problem to challenge authority and advocating for my beliefs. I'm a perfectionist and sometimes I really hate it. And, as you can see, I'm unable to be brief. My favourite colours are dark green, black, gold and dark purple. My greatest passion is music, even if I can't sing or play an instrument.(I prefer rock/punk/pop/80s/90s) It's the most calming and therapeutic thing when it comes to my anxiety and depression and I could never live a day without it. You will never see me in the street without headphones in my ears and even when I'm at home there's music playing almost all the time. I could talk for hours about music and what it means to me. And otherwise I love to watch films and series (I like fantasy, horror, psychological thriller, science fiction and psychological drama and almost anything from the 70s, 80s and 90s). I love rainy days and to go outside while it's pouring big, fat drops. What I love the most is to drive around without a destination, while talking and listening to music. And I love to spend time with my cat, if I could, I would have endless animals who live peacefully and loved with me. I enjoy to have deep talks and to be challenged to think. I love to take late-night-strolls, while gazing into the sky and watching the stars/moon. I have a fascination for dark and macabre things.

I really hope that's not too much? But thank you anyway ♡

Have a good day!

thank you so much for your kind words, you have no idea how much it means to me to know that I was one of the first blogs you followed ;; here’s your vanilla milkshake - and it’s also my first time writing for peaky blinders, but I hope it’s alright; and I hope finn shelby will find the portrait I paint of him accurate enough...

Birmingham was a drab and disheartening place enough without the war adding to its joylessness; but somehow the streets are even worse to bear deserted than when they’re bustling and fetid. Especially for a ten year old boy who wants nothing but to play with someone, to talk to someone, to see someone.

With his brothers off fighting somewhere in France and his aunt too busy with her businesses (adult stuff that Finn has absolutey no interest in attempting to understand), the youngest Shelby has been fighting off an affliction worse than consumption and measles, because much more insidious for a boy his age; boredom

and he’s so sad, so irrevocably sad, with no one to bruise his knees with and throw mud at, that he just aimlessly wanders the empty streets whenever aunt Polly isn’t looking, to find a semblance of stimulation

(he used to enjoy the solitude, it gave him time to imagine delirious stories in fantastical worlds and read the most enthralling of novels, but not anymore. four years of reclusion is an awfully long time for a little boy.)

and it’s during one of his escapades that he first meets you

you’re a little girl his age, dressed in a pretty dress, wearing pretty booties and holding a pretty little woven basket, but your face is stuck on the most grouchy frown he’s ever seen on a little girl, and you don’t walk, you stomp down the wet pavement like a wrathful titan

And it’s probably the first time in four years that he’s been this close to making a new friend, so he walks up to you, despite how rusty his communication skills have become

“Girls don’t frown. It’s unbecoming.”

(Yes, pretty rusty indeed; but in his defense, he’s ten, he’s bored, he’s lonely, and he’s only ever heard Ada say it, and Ada is the most level-headed of his siblings, so anything she says must be true, right?)

“Shut up.”

(Well, if it was unbecoming of you to frown, it’s even more to rebuff someone so rudely. You don’t even spare a glance and continue walking; he has to hurry to catch up to you.)

“You can’t say that. It’s a bad word.”

“How do you know that?”

“My family says it all the time, but they told me I can’t say it.”

“Well, my family is not your family. And I hate my family!”

You’ve yelled the last words at the sky, so loud that the crows on the neighboring roofs have taken off in a startled flight.

“They want to wear this stupid dress to go to the stupid market to buy stupid meat. I don’t even want to eat meat, that’s cruel! And I don’t even want to wear a frilly dress! I want to wear black!”

And in saying so you tugged at the pink and white ribbons that encircled your waist.

And Finn couldn’t help being extremely intrigued at this little girl who said bad words and refused to eat meet and wanted to wear black. It was the most exciting thing to ever happen in all the duration of the war.

“You want to wear a black dress?”

“Yes, but my mama won’t let me. She says it’s too sad because of the war. But black isn’t sad! Black is beautiful!”

“Maybe I could find you a black dress. I’m sure my sister must have one. Where do you live?”

And, loyal to his promise, the following morning he had run to your doorstep and snuck into your house - a proper Shelby talent, to be able to go unnoticed or make a ruckus depending on the occasion - with an old, crinkled mourning dress of Ada’s, that had probably belonged to his mother and had been mended several times

And it was obviously five sizes too big for you and you looked more like a ghost from one of Finn’s horror novels, your arms floating in the sleeves and the hem of the skirt pooling at your feet, but your smile was the brightest light he’d ever seen in this whole damn town.

“Do you like it?”

(He didn’t really know why he sounds so nervous. Maybe it was having a friend, a real friend, and doing something personal for them... or maybe it had to do with how fast his heart beat, watching you in that gigantic, shapeless dress)

“I love it! Thank you so much, Finn!”

From then on started one of the most wonderful friendships Finn would ever have, and what would bring a ray of light to the grim existence of a little boy in the midst of a global war

Despite the ration cards, despite the loneliness, despite the worry that tugged at his stoic aunt’s eyes for her son and nephews across the Channel... he found an unspeakable solace in your friendship

And one day, without a trace, you were gone

He knocked on your door; gone. He asked all the neighbors what had happened to the family that lived there; gone. He wrote you letters and sent them to the confines of England; gone. He got scolded by Polly for marking numbers at random on Tommy’s state-of-the-art telephone; gone.

Suddenly he was back to the bleak existence he had battled with before meeting you, and the hollow inside his chest only grew wider as the days went on, because he had no explanation as to what had happened to you, and worried every single day

Thankfully, the war ended not long after, and his brothers came back home, all alive and unscathed - well, for the most part

Fast forward more or less ten years, and much has changed in Finn Shelby’s life and in old Birmingham, but the memory of you still stugs at his heartstrings

One evening, he’s tasked by Arthur to run some errands, send a few messages, scout a few places; the most dangerous thing his older brothers will ever let him do

His task leads him to a bar in the center of town, one that pours its joyous light and music into the street outside; he’s there to meet with a client, arrange a meeting; nothing he’s hasn’t done already

But the evening takes a turn for the unexpected when he recognizes the girl sat alone at a table, enjoying the musicians’ jazz with an air of pure bliss on her face

It’s been ten years, of course, but... it’s unmistakable. That face, that silhouette, and the black ensemble from head to toe... and he’s always had a knack for remembering faces, especially those that mark him deeply

Suddenly he’s frozen on the spot, and he has forgotten why he came to the bar in the first place, what his target looks like - all he knows is you, and how beautiful you look in the dim light of the bar, and the undisclosed and unknown feelings he had for you at the time come flooding back.

Except this time, he understands, and he fears them, because he doesn’t have time for any of this, and it’s way too dangerous for you and him

But he can’t just pass you by and not say a word?

He swallows, hard.

And walks up to you.

“Y/N?”

You open your eyes, and your face flashes with recognition, and a little bit of pain as well. Even if you fled without a word, and left him hanging all these years, he’s incapable of rancor

“Finn... wow, you’ve changed so much.”

“You haven’t.”

He gestures at your face, your clothes, how you savor the music like the finest drink in the world, and you laugh and blush, sending his heart into overdrive

“Where were you all this time?”

“I’m so sorry, Finn... my brother died in the war, and... my mom sent me to live with my grandparents in Scotland. We were all destroyed by grief... I needed to get away.”

“Without explanation? Not even a word?”

“I wanted to write to you, so bad, but... I couldn’t remember your address. I couldn’t remember anything about Birmingham at all...”

He nods, slowly, in understanding.

The war opens wounds that never heal, even after all the most beautiful friendships and love stories in the world.

“But I’m really glad I found you.”

His heart is pounding in his throat. Maybe it’s a sign of destiny that he found you here, tonight, alone, and ready to welcome him back. Maybe it’s a word from fate, that you can never truly be apart.

So he takes the seat in front of you, and you smile, that shy but bright smile of yours, and he forgets all about his mission, his client, and his brothers.

They’ll have to understand.

800 follower sleepover

[vampiresuns]

This Is How We Say Goodbye (Song To The Open Road) | Asra x Milenko

☽ THIS IS HOW WE SAY GOODBYE (SONG TO THE OPEN ROAD) ☽

1.9k words. Written for Asra Week, day 6: Promise. In which the Plague ravages Vesuvia, there’s an argument and Asra and Milenko part ways.

You can catch up with Milasra’s pre-game canon, ‘Like Thirst Holds Water’, here.

When Anatole and Milenko got involved, Asra and Amparo were already fighting. 

Their relationship had always been peculiar. More than friends, they were sometimes mirrors, matchstick and friction, cause and reaction. While Milenko was the one Asra had fallen in love with, and Anatole the one who he rode and died for, Amparo tended to spring Asra into motion. Both of them did things in almost identical ways — Asra’s sun sign was Amparo’s moon sign, her rising sign, his moon. As such, they gave the idea of instant compenetration, of unspoken frequencies vibrating in the same way. 

Amparo, the animancer, the actress, the dancer, the impersonator imbued in Asra something the others could not quite describe. That was Amparo’s charm, after all, that pizzaz that made her no one other than La Cassano. 

In that way, they shouldn’t have been surprised they would butt heads this way. They shouldn’t have been surprised that nothing could deescalate the fight either. Everyone was tired, everyone was grieving. The City was ridden with the Plague, there were no answers and no solutions offered, and for the first time in the almost 20 years Lucio had ruled the inevitable had happened: the Council of Vesuvia wasn’t enough, and now it was too late for them to remove Lucio from power by declaring him unfit to rule. The mechanisms would not work, the tissue of the Court was almost entirely destroyed, and the people were ill and needed food, clean water and doctors.

Their families had decided to all ride this out together in the Palazzo, with the proper health regulations that they could adopt. The building could house them all without problem but more importantly, it would mean they would be together. Many things were said about them, like how nothing mortal could kill them, based on an old, old story of how the Consul’s office had become theirs. It was no less true that the Radošević-Cassano did not survive alone. 

So they grouped, they went back home, and with their location inside the walls of the infamous Palazzo Cassano, they took in their closest friends. Their families had begun as friends, marrying between each other was recent, and only a kink of some very specific sets of family members. To them, family wasn’t blood, family was a choice. 

They had asked Asra to move in with them, and with that, to relocate Muriel, no one had to know he was in the Palazzo with them, specially not the Count. Asra, however, wanted to leave, and he wanted to convince Amparo, Anatole and Milenko to go with him, so they all would take their stuff and go, and abandon Vesuvia — a City that had never done anything for any of them. There was no point in dying in it, let alone for it. 

Naturally, the proposal turned into an argument. Amparo especially would not leave her mother and parent, Amparo would not leave Anzano, their grandparent, as she knew they would not leave Vesuvia. Anzano was old, very old, but still fit for travel; however, they had once been the High Priest of the Sun and had trained the new one, just like their spouse Atilia Cassano, had been the High Priest of the Moon. They wouldn’t leave a City they felt a sense of responsibility towards, and Amparo herself would not desert her family when they needed her.

Milenko had a similar idea. He couldn’t leave. He couldn’t leave when he could help, he couldn’t leave when his mothers would not go, when his grandfather would not go, when his cousins would not go. Unlike Amparo he had no will to argue with Asra, instead, with the help of Anatole they tried to calm it down, so Asra could see where they were coming from, and they could try and answer Asra’s concerns.

It didn’t work. Everyone was strung, stressed and grieving, so it was a matter of time before one of them said the wrong thing, at the wrong time, with whoever the comment had been directed at not wanting to be understanding about it. It was a matter of time before they were all arguing in the ground floor of the Moonstone and Jasmine, all of Asra’s things packed up as he said he was not staying to die in a City like Vesuvia and how anyone with half a mind would do the same. 

Milenko saw the point of no return happen in slow motion: Asra’s words collided with nothing other than the behemoth that was the Cassano’s sense of pride. Whatever they had begun, it could not be stopped now. 

A lot of accusations flew around. Amparo tried to tell Asra that he couldn’t just expect her to leave the City she had always lived in, the City that she hoped to die in at old age. Asra told her what did she know about losing homes, she who had been born in the Heart District with a silver spoon on her mouth, who had never had to struggle because she always had a roof above her head. Funnily enough, Amparo’s patience ran out when he told her that she couldn’t even cook for herself. 

“Do whatever you want. I’m not leaving. If that’s all you think of me, then forget we were ever friends Asra.” 

She disappeared into the upstairs of the shop, into its main living quarters. 

“Asra, that’s not fair,” Milenko said. His tone was critical, but he still tried to stay as calm as possible. Maybe if Asra could see that he really would be safe—

Then Anatole spoke, his anger raw, yet cold and precise, like a well practiced fencing blow: “What the fuck is wrong with you. If we were a bunch of superior assholes who did everything for our own benefit—”

Asra snapped. “No, but you sure think you’ll save Vesuvia from Lucio just from existing, as if anyone in this city would ever care if you lived or died, Anatole. That’s what you do, don’t you? Pretend like you can fix his mistakes while everyone else suffers from them.”

The silence that fell between the three of them was abrupt, soon ringing in their ears, but when Asra tried to apologise, noticing he had said the wrong thing, it was too late. 

Anatole looked like he had been slapped.

“Toly?” Milenko asked, moving closer to his cousin to squeeze his shoulder, wanting to make sure he was okay. Asra’s words had hit one of Anatole’s greatest fears: that no matter how hard he tried, it’d never be enough. 

Before he could reach Anatole, his cousin’s face changed. As his features shifted with anger, Anatole spoke again. 

Now he was truly and really angry. “You meant that.” 

The issue with words was you couldn’t take them back once you said them. All you could do is hope the other person would forgive you and understand if you had misspoken. As Milenko was once again caught between Asra and Anatole arguing, he realised this was one thing Anatole might never forgive. He doubted it was his place to say, yet Milenko didn’t know if he could even advocate for Anatole forgiving Asra’s words, with time.

The issue wasn’t about who was right or wrong. There was no right or wrong, there was no miraculous answer in this unsalvageable situation. It was that Asra had meant it. Part of Anatole’s language magic was this: he was able to read feelings and intentions in spoken words. As a language manipulator, he could tell everything which people (intentionally or otherwise) imbued into words when they spoke, even if he couldn’t tell the why or the how. 

Would he be able to carry on if he could feel that after years of showing honesty and vulnerability because you want the other person to know you, this was what they thought at their worst? 

The argument didn’t last much longer. Anatole, not wanting to speak, went upstairs to check on Amparo, while Milenko and Asra stood alone on the ground floor of the shop. 

The magician began taking his things, preparing himself to leave for real. Milenko followed him, standing outside of the backdoor as he looked at Asra adjusting his travelling coat. Amparo has gotten it for him. It was handmade, Amparo’s gift to Asra two birthdays ago. 

“Aren’t you going to say farewell?” 

Asra startled, not expecting Milenko standing there. “I thought there was nothing else to say.” 

Once again they stood in silence. It felt like forever, even if it was probably just a couple of seconds. They were aware of every moment they lost to silence, looking at each other under the Vesuvian sunset. They felt far away, miles away. 

It hurt to realise, more than Milenko was willing to admit, but Anatole had been right: he still remembered when they were arguing about Asra not asking for help about Muriel. They could be as open as they wanted with Asra, but Asra would never step in time with them, even if he wanted to. 

Who better than Milenko to know this, and to know that sometimes, it was through no fault of his own. 

Asra spoke first. “You think I’m making the wrong choice.” 

Milenko pressed his lips together. “I don’t think there’s a right choice. There’s just the best we can do with the options we’re given.” 

“You don’t think I could do better with mine?”

“I don’t know, beloved, could you?” 

“Don’t— don’t call me that.” 

“I’m sorry. Force of habit.” 

“I forgive you,” Asra said, shifting his weight between his feet. He wanted to say something else, yet he said nothing. 

“Asra. I’m not judging you. I already told you I am no one to judge.” 

“How can you say that to me at a time like this?” 

“What? It’s the truth. I don’t like that you’re leaving and I would never make the choices you are making, and I could give you a piece of my mind and point fingers at you. I am angry, I’m hurt, but nothing I accuse you of will make me feel better. Judging you will not make me feel better, so I won’t. I’ve never done.” 

“Sometimes,” Asra said, dislodging his travel bag from his shoulder, “sometimes I wish you did. It would make leaving easier.” 

To Milenko’s surprise, Asra crossed the distance between them. Milenko didn’t stop his hand from cupping Asra’s cheek. Asra leaned against it, even if he wished he hadn’t. Asra closed his eyes, tears coming through his closed eyelids.

“You know I won’t ask you to stay,” Milenko said, getting teary himself. 

“Just like I know I won’t get you to leave.” 

“Just promise me you’ll think about it, Asra. Promise me that at the very least, you’ll try to take good care of yourself.” 

Asra opened his eyes, his vision blurred because of the tears. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve, letting Faust slither into his arm to stretch herself all the way to say goodbye to Milenko.

Her tongue flicked against his nose, making Asra smile. 

“Promise me you’ll take care of yourself too, please.”

Milenko nodded, Asra saying his farewells before turning around and walking away as fast as he could without breaking into a run. Milenko watched him go, until Ursula, his familiar, nudged him inside. 

“May Allah keep you safe, Habibi,” he said to the empty street before closing the door behind him. 

[bamfdaddio]

X-Men Abridged: 1976

The X-Men, those fiery mutants that have sworn to protect a world that hates and fears them, are a cultural juggernaut with a long, tangled history. Want to unravel this tapestry? Then read the Abridged X-Men!

(X-Men 97 - 102) - by Chris Claremont and Dave Cockrum

If I ever participate in Drag Race, this will be my entrance look. (“Hear me, bitches! No longer am I the woman you knew! I am fierce! I am fashion incarnate! Now and forever, the winner of season 27!” *mugs at camera* ) (X-Men 101)

It really amazes me how quickly Claremont shifts things into high gear. One year in and he absolutely does not calm down, giving us both the Shi’ar, more Sentinels and the (motherfucking) Phoenix. SO LET'S GOOOO

You’d think that, as a telepath, Charles would be used to dreaming absolutely twisted shit, surfing everybody else´s freaky dream waves, but apparently, vividly dreaming of space is so exhausting that he needs a vacation.

To be fair, I’d be exhausted too if I dreamt of schizo space bugs on detailed splash pages. Get into it, Mr. Cockrum. (X-Men 97)

Meanwhile, Alex and Lorna have absconded to the sizzling Rio Diablo to work on their doctorates. It’s unclear what they’re studying (archaeology?) and where this Rio Diablo is (Panama, Chili, Ecuador?), but considering that Rio means River, I’m unsure whether drawing a dry dry desert is the appropriate setting. But hey, this was the pre-Google era and you’re not here for topographical nitpicking, so.

Lorna is shot by an unknown assailant and continues the long, long history of Polaris being mentally overtaken by other entities. Together with the equally not-himself Havoc, they travel back to NYC and attack the plane Xavier is boarding. The X-Men battle them, until it is revealed that these former not-quite-X-Men are in league with… Eric the Red?

Scott is all: But I was Eric the Red! Also, Eric the Red does not exist!

Xavier escapes, apparently not giving a fuck that all kinds of X-Men are demolishing the JFK airport, but the still-evil Havok and Polaris also get away. The X-Men are shook!

Some time later, The X-Men celebrate X-Mas at Rockefeller Square, where Claremont skips some steps in favour of narrative expediency. Moira and Sean are apparently in a relationship, Jean and Storm are the best of friends. It’s some pretty rough telling, not showing, but we’ll allow it, but only because the Storm/Jean-friendship is one of my favourite things.

What, you think only the movies indulged in Lee/Kirby-cameos? (X-Men 98)

Anyway, Jean and Scott are attacked by the Sentinels, who continue their trend of being way too sneaky for supersized racist robots! Xavier is kidnapped on his boat trip with super-duper scientist Peter Corbeau (seriously, he has two Nobel Prizes), while they steal away Jean, Sean and Logan in NYC. When they come to, there’s some gloating from Stephen Lang.

Jean Grey being a literal pin-up while delivering nazi-burns is such a big middle finger to everything she was in the sixties and I am here for it. (X-Men 98)

When the three kidnapped X-Men make a break for it and escape the Sentinel’s clutches, they burst through a wall, only to be greeted by the cold vacuum of space! They’re not on Earth at all: they’re on a formerly SHIELD space station! GASP! (literally)

In secret, Peter Corbeau, inventor of sliced bread, helps the X-Men back on Earth board a space shuttle, where Colossus remembers his brother Mikhail (objectively the worst Rasputin), a kosmonaut who died at the launch of another spacecraft. It’s another Future Plotline Seed©.

The X-Men dodge solar storms which sounds like a made-up contrivance but aren’t, while the Sentinels try to destroy the shuttle. In what the kids these days call a pro-gamer move, the X-Men instead ram the space station and go through to these apparently sub-par Sentinels like Magma through butter. Kurt’s showmanship and Colossus’ loyalty are highlighted, while Cyclops becomes more robotic and repressed the more Jean is in danger.

Colossus’ secondary mutation is apparently BEING THE BIGGEST DORK. (X-Men 99)

Scott almost kills Stephen Lang, but then Stephen throws his ace in the hole at them: THE OLD X-MEN? This reveal throws us right in the hallmark one hundredth issue!

And, look. Stephen, this is just a terrible plan. Instead of using most of your budget on making more impressive Sentinels, you blow half of it on making janky X-Men clones to… what? Confuse the real X-Men?

It works for a hot minute, but Kurt and Ororo quickly figure out something is wrong. This Beast, for example, isn’t hairy and this Jean doesn’t remember being in Storm’s confidence. Wolverine is the first to snap: acting on instinct, he kills ‘Jean’, proving she’s an android.

Stephen Lang, foiled by the X-Men’s logical thinking skills (which, to be fair, are notoriously unreliable), spews some hatred and accidentally blows himself up. Nothing of value is lost.

Too bad the X-Men can’t return to Earth: their space shuttle is too damaged. I actually love this: going to space is kind of a big deal for most people and the fact that the X-Men have trouble because they’re stranded in space lends them a kind of vulnerability that has been lost over the recent years. Jean steps up to the plate, herds the other X-Men into the protected life cell and assumes the pilot seat of the shuttle. This is after zapping Cyclops into unconsciousness and telling the other X-Men to kindly fuck off when they try to stop her.

As the X-Men descend onto the Earth, Jean’s telekinesis isn’t enough to protect her as she’s engulfed by solar flares. OR IS SHE?

Nothing funny. All of these panels are just beautiful. Forget those robot copy X-Men, this is why this issue is worthy of being the hundredth one. (X-Men 100)

The space shuttle crashes, rolls over JFK airport before dunking in the water. The X-Men emerge, safe, sound and very lucky and then, defying all odds, Jean emerges as the Phoenix. Fire, life incarnate, etc.

After a brief but melodramatic burst of energy, Jean collapses into unconsciousness and is hospitalized. Wolverine intends to bring her flowers (aw!), before throwing them out when he realizes the gal’s taken, establishing the X-Men’s most famous love triangle. (You can fuck right off with your Scott/Jean/Warren-bullshit.)

I’m not sure what my favorite thing is here: the absolutely bonkers everybody’s-elated-panel (special mention to Kurt’s boots and his bounce) or the subtle character beat where Kurt goes all heart-of-the-team and checks on Scott, who turns out to be not so stoic. (X-Men 101)

Charles orders all the X-Men (except Scott) to go on vacation, so he can take care of Jean. Like, Charles, you’d think they could just go hang out at the X-Mansion. Instead, they go to Ireland because Sean has conveniently inherited the ancestral Cassidy Keep.

All the X-Men dress up fancy for a welcoming feast, and it seems Kurt and Ororo are flirting? But sometimes, it also seems like Ororo and Piotr are flirting? Listen, I’m not judging: I love these polycule vibes from the early X-Men. Especially because neither Kurt nor Ororo have had particularly satisfying romantic plotlines for the past 20 years.

I’m not here to insinuate nothing, but last time I said “I enjoy being with both of you”, it ended up in a spitroast. (X-Men 101)

The soiree is interrupted by… THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH, and Black Tom, Sean Cassidy’s evil cousin. They are hired by an unknown someone to kill the X-Men! Since nobody subtle is involved, they quickly wreck the castle and everybody tumbles into the dungeons. (Local news paper reports: gay power couple harasses ill-dressed American tourists.)

This story is mostly a vehicle to tells Ororo’s backstory: Storm, one of the few who could conceivably put up a fight to Cain Marko, feels caged by the cold rocks of Cassidy Keep and is incapacitated by her claustrophobia.

Back in the USA, Charles, who’s heard Storm’s mental anguish, is furious with Scott because he doesn’t hop in a plane to save the other X-Men, even though Scott correctly points out that he’ll never get there in time if he leaves now. Meanwhile, Jean awakens, convinced she somehow brought herself back to life. Yeah, you go girl.

While the rest of the X-Men fight the evil duo in Ireland, Claremont tells Storm’s backstory in a few gorgeous spreads.

“I could write a novel about Storm’s backstory.” “You get two pages.” “Deal.” (X-Men 102)

Another classic comics trope appears here, where family members are immune to one another’s powers. I have no idea how Black Tom is immune to Banshee’s sonic scream - he has ears.

Does Black Tom just have a voice in his ears going NEENER NEENER NEENER when Sean screams? (X-Men 102)

When Storm finally pulls herself back together, it’s too late: the Juggernaut has pummeled the other X-Men into a paste and she also falls to his onslaught. IS THIS THE END OF THE X-MEN?!

Other things introduced this year:

Kurt’s image inducer, which he abuses to look like Errol Flynn. (I would abuse it to look like an amalgam of Milo Ventimiglia (ca. Gilmore Girls) and Timothée Chardonnay. OR like Emmy Raver-Lampman.)

The fastball special!

All kinds of name confusion: Lorna is Polaris, Havok is sometimes Havoc and Piotr becomes Peter.

Best new character: Phoenix. Hit me with that iconic shit.

What to read: The Stephen Lang arc is not fully necessary, just read issue 100 and 101. Don’t skip issue 102 if you want to know all about Storm’s past.

[neeterloveschenford]

RNM 3x05

So another Alexless episode. Did that part of it suck? Very much so. I miss him. But that means we’ve got two out of the way already. I am glad that now we can focus on rebuilding the foundation for the epic love story of Malex. There was a lot of goodness to go over this week. There were also a few things that weren’t so great. But overall I’m still loving this season. So let’s dive right in.

Let’s get the bad over with first. I get what they were trying to accomplish with the racism story. It’s one the most important issues our country faces today. And with one of the main characters being a cop, police brutality has been in the back of most of our minds since the beginning. And with Max’s white savior complex, well I can see how we got to where we are with ep5. But as people far more eloquent than I have pointed out, it’s almost like a “very special” sitcom episode.

Their hearts were in the right place, but you can’t solve something this complex in an episode of tv. It reminded me of when Arrow did their gun control episode. Miraculously Mayor Queen and the city council came up with a solution to the city’s gun problem, but we never got to hear what that problem was. They just all patted themselves on the back for fixing it. It came off as extremely hollow. It was nice to see Maria, Rosa, the reporter, and one of the Lopez’s set up Jordan to find out the truth, but in the end did it solve anything? Is racism in Roswell suddenly going to go away? I think we all know the answer to that. Was it good that they tried to address something that is on the hearts and minds of so many viewers? In theory, yes. But this is just something that is next to impossible to do in a sci-fi fantasy show about aliens. I do think their hearts were in the right place though. So I will give them props for at least wanting to do something more socially relevant.

So now for the good stuff. My sweet baby Kyle lives!!! I mean, we knew that he would, but I was still smarting from last week. And him waking up on Max’s couch with an alien stuffy was hilarious. I love Kyles’s relationship with Max and Michael. They all want to still hate each other, but they are actually friends. It’s a fun dynamic.

Liz and Heath are starting to bore me a little. We need to find out he’s in Deep Sky already. Right now, he’s just pretty to look at. It’s a shame. Jeanine talked about him being a real threat to Echo. Right now Forlex was a bigger threat than Heath and Liz. If he’s not part of Deep Sky, then I’m not sure what the point of his character is.

Arturo and Rosa were fantastic together. I love their relationship. In fact I love all the Ortecho relationships. We need more Ortecho family moments. They are so loving and supportive of each other. But they still behave like family. I want to see more moments of Liz and Rosa arguing over silly things. I want to see Arturo encouraging his girls to do more with their lives. I just want to see them eat pancakes together. They make me so happy.

Kyle and Michael! Science bros are my favorites. I love that Michael wanted to make sure that Kyle was safe. He still wants to hate Kyle for everything that he did in high school to Alex, but he sees Kyle for the man he’s become. And the I agree with my man-sitter line made me snort out loud.

Isobel continues to be a badass. I love that she was able to reign in her emotions and figure out what Jones was hiding. She continues to show just how strong-willed she is. And I find the whole thing with Jones bringing up Noah pretty interesting. Makes me think Noah played some part in the dictator’s regime when they were on The Oasis. I’m hoping they delve into that at some point. I’d love to see Karan come back if only for some flashbacks to their home planet. Maybe he was even part of the resistance. Maybe he used to be a good guy, but the broken pod really did drive him insane. I think it would be fascinating either way.

Maria is starting to bother me again. I wanted to see a change in her. But she still seems to ride roughshod over everyone. I would be fine with that if that was a recognized part of her personality. Some people are just like that. If you own it and realize that sometimes you hurt people but try to do better the next time, then that would be one thing. But the narrative still seems to be that Maria can do no wrong. I’m not expecting there to be any comeuppance for her, especially about 2x06. But if say Rosa or Isobel were to check her every once in awhile, then it would go a long way to making her more likable. I mean Isobel is very similar, but few people are afraid to put her in her place. I don’t know. Maybe it’s something that will happen a little later down the line.

Pretty sure that there’s something more to racist deputy. Maybe it’s because the actor that plays him was the big bad in the last season of Agents of SHIELD, but I’m not buying that he’s just a one off character that’s going to disappear. I haven’t figured out a good theory about him yet, but he’s made me suspicious.

Pretty sure when Jones first did the whole hand print thing with Max in the premiere, he did something to him that would make him drain life force from whoever he gave a handprint to. If you think about it, somebody was going to need to be healed and Max would sacrifice himself to save them. And then Max would have Jones “fix” him because he wouldn’t want someone to die just to keep himself alive. So by doing so, Jones set up a series of events that would let him download himself into Max. I think that was Max’s entire reason for existence. I think Jones is the dictator and that the reason he’s “immortal” is because he’s been downloading his consciousness into clones for some time now. Max wouldn’t forget what Kyle’s name was. Also, the whole scene with Liz and “Max” was so obviously Jones. His body language and the tone of his voice was not Max. I think maybe Max is still in there. (He knew Maria and seemed concerned.) But I think he’s not alone.

I’m going to end this review with my sweet baby boy Michael. The way he has grown and changed over the last two episodes makes me so happy! This is what all of s2 should have been for him. But, alas, we’ve had to have him do all this soul-searching in a handful of episodes. But it has been so good. His admission to Rosa that they were wrong for putting her in the front seat of that car was perfect. Not only did he need to own up to what they did, but Rosa needed one of them to do so. Neither Max nor Isobel have apologized for making Arturo the target of the racists in town. I can’t wait to have more Michael and Rosa scenes. And I can’t wait for Alex to see the change in Michael. We are so close y’all. Alex and Michael are both so different than they were when we started this journey with them. Do they both still have things to deal with? Yes. But now they’ve both seen that they are capable of change. They know they can both become good for each other. When they come back together this time, they will both have the ability to deal with the trials of tribulations of life. They will be able to commit to making their relationship work. It’s going to be so glorious!!

Well that’s it for this week. Sorry I got this posted late. I’ve had some family things to deal with this week. It’s been a rough week. But I have next week to look forward to. I just know that we are now at the beginning of the epic love story we’ve all been waiting for. So until next time my loves!

[makeste]

literally just a giant post of Bakugou faces.

today, 4/20 (actually it is very much still only 4/19 over here, but to heck with it, we’re getting an early start dammit), is Bakugou Katsuki’s birthday. and as someone who loves Bakugou and who also hasn’t found much worth rejoicing about in April 2020 in general, it’s important to me to celebrate the shit out of this day. but these are strange times and I am le tired, and so what my tired brain ended up arriving at was “just do a post about how much you love his stupid face.”

so these are my favorite Bakugou faces. I stopped after Kacchan vs. Deku because this post was already like 100k words (slight exaggeration) with like 40,000 faces (slight), and because this already took forever and the next 130-something chapters were only going to have about one fifth as many good faces compared to the first 120, even though there are some good ones there still to be sure. but anyway, so there are no spoilers here. 

happy birthday Kacchan, and happy birthday to Kacchan’s angsty side profile with his hair covering his eyes.

why I like it: he scured.

lol but seriously. because up until this point he’s just been a complete asshole. even after he gets grabbed by sludgeman, he’s all “AS IF I’D LET THIS MUDMAN TAKE MY BODY FOR HIMSELF”, and he’s all feral-looking, and at first you’re like “eh he’ll be fine.” but then along comes this panel to serve as our narrator saying “he was not fine.” because he really is not. and on the page before this too, you can see how tired and desperate his struggles are starting to get. and absolutely no one is trying to help him. and he’s fighting, he’s straining, but he can’t. fucking. breathe.

and then this panel. and he’s just a kid. he looks so very, very young here, like this is the youngest he looks throughout the entire series except for in his flashbacks, and it’s because all the pride and bluster and anger are stripped away and he’s just a boy underneath it and he’s scared. “you looked like you needed saving.” exactly. exactly. and for Katsuki to actually ask for help is so rare. so you know that when he does ask (and he absolutely was begging for someone to come help him even though he couldn’t vocalize it. credit to Horikoshi for conveying all of that emotion in a single panel), he really, really needs it. thankfully there was one person watching who finally snapped himself out of that “a hero’s bound to come along soon” mindset that had everyone else gripped, and realized that he needed to be that hero.

why I like it: because he’s humiliated and fairly shaken up and also the most handsome he’s looked up until this point, but most of all he’s just chewing his lip and being all “god fucking dammit did fucking Deku really just save me, fuck my life, why is the universe fucking dumb.” like even after this hugely traumatizing experience, he’s incredibly resilient to the point where after he calms down, his lingering emotions are mainly just “smdh this is a new level of irritated even for me.” he is so brave and thickheaded and tough and absurdly, ridiculously petty jesus christ.

why I like it: like the old man said. his face just screams “I’m a rotten thief.”

there’s so much personality in this one expression. and then it’s juxtaposed against proto!Katsuki who I really desperately just want to punch in the face. just. my son my be a dick, but by god he’s an honest dick.

why I like it: baby?? cute baby??? mine?? my baby?!?

he’s just like. “I got it all figured out. gosh I’m so good at life.” that is the face of a child who has never encountered a single difficulty in his very young existence. everything is easy and he expects to be good at everything and he always is and he’s so, so pleased with himself. with a kid that little you really don’t want to go and shatter their dreams just yet, but maybe someone should have taken him down just a peg or two before it all got out of hand. alas. he was so cute that nobody wanted to and I can’t even blame them because he’s just that fucking cute, though.

why I like it: this is a very underrated panel which I think most people probably don’t even recall. it’s from chapter 11 just after he loses to Deku and Iida, and specifically right after Momo just completely lays into him and explains in vivid detail exactly how stupid every single one of his decisions was lmao. and it’s like he’s just had his eyes opened. he talks about her speech later, too, so it clearly had an impact.

there is no pride here at all. initially when I was reading this, I thought he was still shell-shocked. but looking back at it, and knowing what I do now about his unexpected willingness to accept criticism (something I certainly wouldn’t have expected during my first readthrough of this chapter), I think this is also a genuine “!” face as he realizes that she’s completely fucking right. YOU DONE GOOFED SON. but it’s okay because he learned from it!

also look how big his eyes are. when they get all wide like that. it’s so rare that I have to appreciate each and every time it happens. also he has no right to have such thick eyelashes. goddammit.

why I like it: because he’s strongest at his moment of weakness! because he’s upset but he learned from it! because he is such a strikingly human character with such complex emotions and there’s such a lovely mix of them on display here and that shit is my weakness! because this is when I signed the adoption papers (well, had them finalized after I initially obtained them after the “you looked like you needed saving” face in chapter 1, at least)!! because he always cries in front of Deku and doesn’t get embarrassed, but then he does get embarrassed if anyone else shows up! because his emotions around Deku are so raw and out of control! because the intensity of them is as compelling as it is confusing! but mostly because someone showing fierce determination while simultaneously showing intense vulnerability is basically the cheat code to unlocking my heart, and also the best thing anyone can ever draw in a shounen manga. thank you I’ll take infinity of them.

why I like it: because half of 1-A saw this face and instantly thought “fuck that’s hot” and then went “!! oh fuck me” but it was too late! that’s right kids. even knowing firsthand what a trashpile he can be, you’re still not immune to his charms. that confidence, though.

why I like it: the face of a boy who has just realized that holy shit, there are other people in his class. nothing gets past him. his reflexes are too fast.

why I like it: the slow motion (this is such a cool moment even if it’s at his expense lol), and the fact that this is such a weird and totally unique expression, and yet he somehow almost manages to make it look good. actually he does make it look good, let’s be real. of course, this was back when Horikoshi had more time to roll up his sleeves and really get into the art. look at all that shading goddamn.

why I like it: he cares!! he has feelings!! he has concern about someone other than him omfg whaaaaaat.

he’s so unsettled by what he just heard about Todoroki. the guy who was so strong and cool turned out to have an absolutely horrifying shounen protagonist past that he never let on about. honestly this scene is one of the reasons why I’m so strongly in favor of not interpreting Katsuki’s parents as abusive; because I just really like the character arc of him actually having a pretty good childhood, all things considered, but still having all these problems. because sometimes people actually do have everything going for them and yet they still screw up, because people are only human and sometimes you can fuck up (or be fucked up) even on easy mode! and if that happens it doesn’t mean you’re any more to blame, or more worthy of derision or scorn, or that you already had your chance so screw you, or any of that! anyway so that’s just such an interesting and relatively rare thing to explore and so I like it.

anyway. so just, the idea of him thinking of Todoroki as someone who had it made all his life, only to realize that’s not actually the case at all and that he’s actually the privileged one in comparison, just makes for a really great character-building moment. it’s a really big wake up call for him, especially given that he’s so often just wrapped up in himself and his own concerns still at this stage of the game. and it’s a moment that has a lasting impact on him and that he doesn’t forget, and it helps contribute to him starting to learn more empathy.

why I like it: my child is rabid please help.

but he’s so happy to have Ochako prove to be such an unexpectedly worthwhile opponent. she was sneaky and she nearly got him and he only just made it out by the skin of his teeth and fuck yes, that was awesome. he was really ready to throw down some more with her and it was gonna be the highlight of his fucking day. I just love seeing him acknowledge other people’s strength, because we know the value he places on being strong. so that’s a ton of respect from him, and Ochako fucking earned it, and this is just a great moment.

why I like it: just casually spittin facts and launching ships. nothing to see here move along.

why I like it: for everyone reblogging that one scene of shoujou!Bakugou from the anime over and over again, I just want to remind you all that as great as that scene is, we shouldn’t forget that in the manga he can be effortlessly handsome without even trying.

why I like it: as I said above.

why I like it: another one of the infamous “haah!?” faces. whenever he does these that one raised-eyebrow eye always goes so wide, and even though he’s trying to look like a pissed off thug it always makes him look surprisingly young instead.

also I’m not crazy for seriously wondering if Horikoshi’s art peaked all the way back in the sports festival arc though, right?? you honestly can’t find a bad panel even if you specifically go out and look for them.

why I like it: babyyyy.

I still don’t get how anyone could watch this scene and not get that he was way more upset than he was actually angry. he looks like he’s about to cry honestly.

why I like it: MY PRECIOUS SON’S ANGELIC SLEEPING FACE. all tuckered out. he’s had a hard day.

but seriously when you smooth out all of the >:O it is amazing how young he actually looks though. this one panel is shaded in such a way that you can see that he still has baby fat in his cheeks!! he’s just a little boy! HE IS A LITTLE CHILD LIKE THE REST OF THEM AND YOU MADE HIM PARTICIPATE IN THESE HUNGER GAMES AND HE KICKED ASS AND THEN GOT SAD AND YOU MADE HIM SLEEP AND CHAINED HIM TO A POST WHEN HE WOKE UP ANGRY AND TRYING TO BITE PEOPLE. anyways what a whirlwind of events huh.

why I like it: this child is literally trembling. he has been shaken to his very core. also for real though how did Jeanist even do that. anyways great internship or greatest internship.

why I like it: this is from chapter 60, right after he basically declares war on Deku and says he’ll crush him during final exams. then he turns around and is just like AND LET’S NOT FORGET THIS ASSHOLE HERE!!! and his eyes are practically bulging out and Todoroki just has his trademark “!!!” totally blank stare. this panel fully kills me guys.

why I like it: how was he THE CUTEST CHILD WHO EVER LIVED?? look at his little fists?! I can’t even deal with this???

why I like it: I actually like this one even more than the more iconic “the strongest heroes always win in the end” panel right below it, because in this panel you can more clearly see that he was crying quite a lot (he was only six!!), but it seems to me that it was more because of the unfairness of it than because he was hurt. even though he was hurt. but these jerks bumped into him and then acted like it was his fault, and it was two against one and he was much younger than them and IT’S JUST ROUGH YOU GUYS! LIFE IS HARD WHEN YOU’RE SIX! but he’s a little tough guy though so he scrubs the tears away in this very clumsy and boyish fashion because HE WON ANYWAY SO TAKE THAT! he is so little but already so determined.

why I like it: his eyes are just so intense all the time. even when it’s not an intense moment at all. also the dot shading here is so cool.

why I like it: okay so technically it’s the back of his head and not his face. but I feel like the fact that Kacchan was twitching and flinching and shaking too doesn’t get enough attention in this scene. he and Todo were both wigging out here and I love it. during the third light novel he also gets freaked out by the whole Disney Channel “we were telling a ghost story but now it seems like the story has come to life” plot that goes on at one point, just fyi. Kacchan is absolutely that kid who will refuse to watch scary movies just because “they’re dumb” and definitely NOT because he is scared, how fucking dare you sir.

why I like it: because this is the first of many scenes in this arc and the next arc in which he is freaking out but doing an excellent job of covering it up with his natural ferocity. he and Shouto have just come across one of their classmates’ arms lying in the middle of the path being chewed on by a villain in a straitjacket. his first reaction is to ask Shouto which of their classmates had been out on the path in front of them. he has immediately put two and two together, and he is immediately ready to throw hands with this dude, rules or no rules. but you can see the shading over his eyes though, and I think that -- along with the sweat visible on his face -- is a huge indicator of how horrifying this actually is to him.

why I like it: because this blank “processing...” expression that he sometimes gets when a lot of people are talking at once and he’s not really sure but he is pretty sure that he doesn’t like where this is heading, is my favorite.

why I like it: because even now it’s still ambiguous just what exactly was the prevailing emotion in these eyes and this expression, and the prevailing sentiment behind the “stay back.” I happen to think it was fear! not the same overwhelming, helpless fear as the 14-year-old who was caught up in the sludge, but a very on-edge, controlled-panic fear of a 16-year-old who’s trying to remain in control because he’s a hero in training now. and I think the “stay back” is the “stay back” of a boy who knows the look in that other boy’s eyes, and knows that it’s no use this time. it’s not protective, and it’s not hostile or defensive either. it’s just... resigned. don’t do it, Deku. that could have been the last thing he ever said to him, and it was measured and brave even through his fear and I love him so much.

why I like it: this is one which has to be viewed in juxtaposition with the panel immediately above it lol. Tomura looks like he could literally stare a man to death with those crazy eyes, and Kacchan is comparison just looks so ridiculously young and small and out of his league. but he doesn’t crack. but his eyes are super wide and even the shadows underneath them are stressed almost to their breaking point. like I’m screwed I’m screwed I’m so goddamn fucking screwed oh shit. my baby, guh. this was such a fucking scary experience though for real??

why I like it: same deal as above lol. this whole situation just keeps getting worse and worse, and here he’s just probing for more information while simultaneously trying to buy himself more time to think of a miracle plan. there really isn’t much chance of him getting out of here unscathed at this point (or at least there wouldn’t have been if the heroes hadn’t shown up), but I don’t think he’s letting himself think about that yet. but I’m sure it’s there at the back of his mind all the same.

why I like it: this is my favorite Bakugou face ever. SO MANY EMOTIONS. All Might came to save him! his hero!! he beat the bad guys (or so they think for that brief moment anyway) and it’s all okay now! he was alone but now he’s not anymore and All Might is there! and he is relieved, and he actually lets his guard down to show it for just a split second! his lip is trembling! I don’t think he even realizes for a moment, and then he does, and he immediately goes all tough guy again and the moment is gone! but while it’s there! it’s so much! I have never so badly wanted to hug a fictional character in my life.

why I like it: don’t you think this person could one day inspire thousands of others. do you see this courage in those eyes. the way he pushes past fear and panic and fatigue. don’t think, don’t doubt. just win.

why I like it: by now you have probably detected a pattern of me liking all of the Kamino faces because he was going through so many emotions that for once the walls just couldn’t keep up. he always looks so much younger when he’s not making >: faces. everything just smooths out. I also like that Horikoshi never makes his expressions symmetrical; he almost always has one eye wider than the other, eyebrows doing different things, stuff like that.

also this is when he sees All Might’s true form for the first time, and you can just see it hit him like a punch to the gut. All Might weakened; All Might weakened because of him; All Might might lose (!?!); All Might might die???? Katsuki’s entire world is falling apart in an instant, and in this moment he’s just a little boy.

why I like it: it beginsss. the angstening.

he’s not even resisting the hand guiding him. none of his usual unruliness or general aura of barely-checked rage. he just looks tired. and completely lost in his own thoughts. which as we now know were not good. I cannot fucking believe we had to wait another 25 chapters after this to finally get this kid a damn hug.

why I like it: because Bakugou Mitsuki is fulfilling my (and dating sim!Momo’s) lifelong dream of ruffling Bakugou Katsuki’s (spiky yet fluffy!!) hair. and all he can do is just chew his lip and halfheartedly glare at her all “mooooooOOOOmmm.” he doesn’t even really look pissed off here (because it’s hard to be mad when someone is talking about how worried they were about you and how relieved they are that you’re safe now, especially when that someone is your mom who isn’t normally the type to be so open about this kind of stuff at all), just begrudgingly grumpy. and I swear to god his bottom lip is made of fucking rubber the way he moves it around, just look at it.

why I like it: those eyelashes though!?!? [grabs Katsuki by the shoulders and shakes him roughly] WHY ARE YOUR EYES SO PRETTY.

why I like it: this is right after he found out he flunked the license exam, and you can see how upset he is. obviously we now know that shortly thereafter he went and had a complete meltdown. and buddy if you keep grinding your teeth like that, your dentist is also going to have a meltdown.

and yet again Horikoshi manages to strike this uncanny balance between making him look pissed off and making him look like he’s trying very, very hard not to cry. he just failed, again. it’s like the whole world is screaming at him over and over again that he’s not hero material at all.

why I like it: because he drags Deku out to the middle of nowhere and is all “I know you have All Might’s power and we’re gonna fight”, and Deku protests, and you expect Kacchan’s reaction to be just about anything other than what it actually is. this is as close to pleading as Katsuki is ever going to get. he may not be drowning in sludge but he is still desperate.

why I like it: this may be the best Katsuki that Horikoshi has ever drawn.

why I like it: super ultra mega unpopular opinion: I like this panel even more than THE PANEL!! that follows shortly after it. I am a sucker for when Horikoshi does this thing where he shows Katsuki’s face from a side profile, and his eyes are covered by his hair so you can’t see his full expression, but you know it is something vulnerable because he only ever does this when Katsuki is trying to hide his vulnerability. I could make a whole separate post just about these hair-covering-eyes faces lol. but out of all of them this is my absolute favorite. I can hear Okamoto’s voice acting in my head just looking at it.

why I like it: because it is THE PANEL. he finally broke completely; he let the walls fall away; he couldn’t hide it any longer. he’s so unbelievably torn up about this; he hates himself for it and feels like a failure; he’s lost and doesn’t have the faintest idea how to find his path again. he ended the Symbol of Peace. he was weak and wrong, and Deku was strong and right, and he can’t even hate Deku for it anymore, he just wants to understand what it is that he keeps doing wrong, why it is that he keeps failing.

why I like it: it’s, uuuuuh, angst.

lol it’s funny because at the beginning of the series, it was always Deku who was always crying at the drop of a hat. and to be fair this is still true. but Katsuki also cries way more than I would ever expect a rival character in a shounen manga to cry. and specifically he has cried every single time he’s had a dramatic and overly emotional altercation like this with Deku (and that’s three separate times now). is it because he’s always felt like he has less to hide around Deku? or because his Deku Emotions are so much more intense and volatile than his other emotions? at any rate, whatever it is, if this happens one more time (and I guarantee you it will too because A Certain Someone still hasn’t officially made an apology yet) he will officially lose all authority to ever call Deku out for being a crybaby again. meanwhile poor All Might will just be beside himself. I’m sorry dude, both of your children are just like this, you just gotta deal with it and accept their feelings.

why I like it: HE FINALLY GOT HIS HUG, BLESS.

and more hair covering his eyes! and chewing of the lip! and his head is bowed so much here, he fully allowed himself to be pulled into this hug and to accept this gesture of comfort for once in his life, just for a moment! after everything he was feeling, everything he was beating himself up over, All Might comes and tells him it’s not your fault. and there’s still so much guilt there, but he needs to hear this so badly that he accepts it all the same. meanwhile he is also CRYING AGAIN!? because this was the chapter where Horikoshi said “I am going to put all of the angst and cathartic conflict resolution into a single fight and it’s going to be the best thing ever” and it really was. do you even understand how much I love this. do you??

why I like it: OH GOSH I FORGOT ABOUT THIS, THIS IS MY OTHER FAVORITE KATSUKI HAIR-COVERING-EYES PANEL.

oh no. he’s ruffling his own spiky fluffy hair. he’s tired and he’s beat up (and whose fault is that lmao) and he’s learning all kinds of new things about himself today. he’s got basically nothing left in the tank, but for the first time in ages he has his path laid out in front of him again and he knows the way to start moving forward. he has been absolved of his guilt, the guilt which was eating a hole away inside of him. and all of a sudden he realizes -- it occurs to him -- hey, All Might finally admitted it, he really did give his power to Deku. but it’s still a secret though, isn’t it? it’s important, isn’t it? and so he tells them, hey, look, I get it, I won’t say anything, you don’t have to worry. it’s partially gratitude -- he owes so much to All Might and it’s ridiculous, that’s a fucking debt right there, and this is the least and only thing he can offer right now in return -- and it’s partially just... the right thing to do. like, common sense. honorable and shit. and it’s not like it’s a big deal or anything. but just, let them know.

I love his side profile so much and I love his hair and his ear and the scuffs on his face and his beaten up hand and his hunched up shoulders and him being soft and trying not to show how soft he’s being and he is precious.

BONUS:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY HANDS IN POCKETS GRUMPY TRIANGLE EYES ROVING FERAL HOG SON, I LOVE YOU.

[maggotmouth]

          hillo sexthy legends !!   i’m nora and i’ll be writing margo colby n probs sm1 else bcos lets be real, i lack self-control. u can find her pinterest here n some info abt her sexy self below the cut. plot with me on discord ( hot girl midsommar#8664 ) or in my ims !!  x o x

     * CAMILA MORRONE, CIS WOMAN + SHE / HER  | you know MARGO COLBY, right? they’re TWENTY-THREE, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, ELEVEN YEARS? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to SCRAWNY BY WALLOWS  like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole BLEACH WHITE SNEAKERS POUNDING ON A GYMNASIUM FLOOR, USING THE SAME BLUNT SCISSORS TO HACK THE SLEEVES OFF AN EXES T-SHIRT THAT YOU USE TO CUT YOUR 3AM FRINGE, A WALNUT-SHAPED ACHE IN THE PIT OF YOUR STOMACH FOR THE PERSON YOU COULD HAVE BEEN thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is AUGUST 8TH, so they’re a LEO, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nora, 25, gmt, she/her )

CLICK ANYWHERE ON THIS SENTENCE FOR SEXII GOOGLE DOC!!

bullet point summary of margo.

—   born margaret but NOBODY calls her that. its colby, coach or margo, and go to the privileged few. margo grew up in the creek commune n then dropped out of school cos of a teenage pregnancy so she was a bit of a cautionary tale back in’t’day (said tht in my yorkshire accent). she now works for summer camps coaching pee wee soccer and pee wee cheer, as well as helping out her beekeeper dad on his honey farm, which is jst north of abernathy creek, and working at scuba on the off seasons.

—  its just her and her dad, and has been for as long as she can recall !! everything she knows about her mum could fit on the back of the weathered passport photo she keeps in her wallet of a stranger who shares her face - her name’s melody, or at least tht was name she used when working as a dancer, she’s from argentina and dropped mag’s dad as soon as someone w more money came along.

—  margo’s father is a beekeeper with his own organic honey company. margo and her dad moved to irving in the early 00s, the summer between grade school and middle school, because her dad had heard about the communal living in abernathy creek and wanted to lend his skills there and live off the fatta the land in a very lenny from of mice and men kinda way.

—  for a few years of middle school margo was bullied for living with the ‘freaks from the creek’, but when they realised how chill her dad was with underage drinking, margo ‘keg-bringer’ colby soon gained popularity among the more renegade students. every so often, the high school parties would happen at her end of town, occasionally with members of the commune even offering the high schoolers a spiritual experience they’d never forget (often in the form of mushrooms) which meant people tried to stay on her good side. to get an invite to a margo colby party handed you a free pass to make up the most ridiculous shit about the commune you liked and nobody else could say anything, because they’d never been to the creek.

—  at school, margo had a lot of ‘behvioural issues’ bcos of undiagnosed adhd, she found it difficult to sit still for hours n write down huge chunks of information n her restlessness was seen as laziness. she was encouraged to do sports, as were most of the kids who weren’t that academically inclined, but she turned out to be pretty hot shit at sprinting, because she grew up surrounded by bee houses and he who runs slowest gets stung, baybeyy!! so yea, in school sports became her LIFE. she was gonna get a sports scholarship to college but ended up dropping out of school in senior year n becoming one of those kids who could have had it all but lost it.

—  she had sex with sutter at a house party when she wasnt really ready because it felt like the right thing to do at the time and everybody else was doing it. she’d attended health class, she’d seen the corny videos. she knew about all the statistics, but she also knew that it had never happened to anyone she knew and the pull out method was basically safer than the morning after pill and way less expensive.

—  a teenage pregnancy knocked her out of the runnings for prom queen and meant she had to leave school early. she didn’t go to college when her friends did, instead she spent the time interviewing potential foster candidates and eating her weight in lindt chocolate while marathoning love island in her room.  

—  she had a son, who she passed off to someone else a couple of towns away.  it was a closed adoption which seemed like the best idea at the time, but she now wishes she had access to his life.

—  after peaking in high school and jumping between jobs for a few years, she got a more permanent role at scuba which she loves with all of her heart and soul, but unfortunately a bar job doesn’t pay the rent.  

—  she works at summer camps coaching  junior soccer and netball on the side. she’s extremely competitive and takes it very personally if her team lose. the kids all call her, coach colby n write her longwinded letters about how they’ll never forget this summer camp before they go back to their suburban picket fence houses n she keeps all the letters in a drawer n takes them out to read when she’s feelin depressed.

—  enjoys surfing and worked for a number of years on resorts like mila kunis’ job in forgetting sarah marshall. she went on to work 18-hour days as a stewardess on luxury yachts which is a part of her backstory i added after watching season one of below deck because i guess i really am that fucking impressionable. met most of her surf friends doing tht but said she’d never in her life do it again bcos it was mostly just picking up after rich white ppl for shit pay. she came back to irving n thats when she started doing the summer camp jobs so she could move out of the creek n get her own apartment. 

—  she never actually finished senior year so she’s currently going to night school at the community college to get through her exams and is trying to save to go to college or open university. she wants to major in criminology. she’s super ambitious but also super adhd so she fluctuates between thinking she can achieve anything to just feeling like a failure n thinkin whats the point

—  used to shoplift to feel joy and as an act of resistance to her hippy commune routes, but now sees herself as a reformed, bin-diving freegan (sims 4 eco living can i get a hell yaaaa). also she thinks it’s totally wrong to steal when you have enough money and clearly don’t need to steal to survive, ppl risk imprisonment for basic necessities, so for her to do it for a brief thrill and some new shades felt a bit derogatory

—  was raised jewish. became a vegetarian as a child because it seemed, at the time, easier than having to explain which foods she was and wasn’t allowed to eat together, so she just cut out meat entirely. still a vegetarian now and dabbles in veganism, although its become less about not eating certain meats in the milk of their mother and more about her global impact / carbon footprint

—  nurses little animals to health in her garden. has a hedgehog name OJ short for orange juice not the other one filthy pig. her and her dad have always been huge animal rights activists and existed on a vegetarian diet. the only one in their house who isn’t vegetarian is their cat, auggie. (short 4 augustus gloop)

—  has a lot of stupid ass stick and poke tattoos. there was a phase during her years as a barmaid where she wanted to train as a tattoo artist n would mostly practice on herself or any friends who would let her

—  she doesn’t form many long lasting friendships cos she tends to be super excited when she makes a new friend and just see them all the time but then it wears off and she can ghost a bit. she’ll always coming pinging back but she’s not the most predictable or loyal friend, sometimes she’ll sleep in your house every night for a week and then you won’t even get a text from her for a month. her best friends are elderly neighbours and houseless people she meets when volunteering at the foodbank. she thinks they’re more authentic than most of the ‘fake posers’ she meets down the vela pier

—  calls herself a butch lesbian but still has sex with men when she wants validation. sexually attracted to some men, especially effeminate men, but only romantically attracted to women. very possessive of the gals in her life.

—  stopped giving a shit about getting older or adhering to anyone elses bullshit standards, realised it was all fake p much as soon as she dropped out of school and one by one her friends just stopped texting her

—  lives in one of the lofts in port apartments. it’s open plan with rugs and lava lamps everywhere. she has a palette bed. its all very ‘sustainable chic’. like, oh wow, a pallet bed that im supposed to think you made from scratch but i KNOW you got it  off ebay because you thought it looked trendy

—  constantly says shes poor but still buys clothes from urban outfitters. sus.

—  frequently found at fannies flirting with the cute bisexual bartender with a choppy black bob.

general vibe / personality

vibrant, vulgar, self-absorbed, tenacious, veers bewteen apathetic and dogmatic, temperamental, flighty, unreliable, magnetic, charismatic, passive aggressive, likes to play devil’s advocate, takes the moral high ground. estp and a leo

likes: 70s music, john wayne movies, black mirror, philosophy, cowboy chic culture, dc comics, the smell of locker rooms,, deep red lipstick, lacrosse sticks, smoking weed from a bong, dogs, karaoke, pet rats, kate moss, late-night strolls, hawaaiian shirts worn open over a bralette, skinned knees, thai food, picking the apples at the very top of the trees, zip-lining, cigarettes, the idea of pegging but not the practical application of it, decorative lamps, LGBTQ+ pin badges, worn-out furniture, twangy electric guitars.

dislikes: girls who call other girls ‘pick me’ girls, woody allen movies, mental mathematics, wealthy children, quentin tarantino, ironing, institutionalised misogyny, the imaginary future, french literature, ‘dump him’ feminism, wes anderson films, spoken word poetry nights, college-educated bar staff who act like they’re better than you,  indie softbois, the general mentality of cheerleading squads.

aesthetics

orange peel, the smell of bleach, skeleton drawings in the margins of a journal, thumb holes poked through the cuffs of your sleeves, bleach white sneakers pounding on a gymnasium floor, setting dumpsters on fire for the hell of it. a hit flask of vodka decorated with hello kitty stickers, split knuckles, alien conspiracy theories and sci-fi paperbacks, doc martens with fraying laces, a child in an oversize bee keepers suit, scabbed knees, not eating your greens, smiling with a mouthful of blood, and piercing your own ears with a safety pin when your dad wouldn’t take you,  a tennis racket you punched through in a fit of temper, feet pounding the earth until your soles bleed crimson, sleeping in a cherry lip balm and scrunchies to keep the wild locks from your eyes.

hoo boy this is getting LONG AS FUCK but here are my wanted plots

wanted plots

ok margo’s been in irving since she was like 10. she’s quite a vivacious person?? she dresses completely instinctively without any sense of cohesion so she stands out. a guy once told her she was wearing the ugliest outfit he’d ever seen and he thought that was so cool and brave of her. but anyway where was i going.. she grew up in the abernathy creek so stuck out like a sore thumb,,,, maybe ppl who were super interested in the creek or maybe poked fun at her bcos of it idk.....

b4 she dropped out, margo used 2 b in with the cool kids at school bcos her dad would buy them booze and rarely ask for the money. maybe a fun plot cld b with some of the ‘it girls’ she used to hang around with b4 she got pregnant n dropped out and they all went off to college n stopped texting her.

frinds !! unlikely friends !! toxic friends !! some1 she feels like she knew before irving ???

since margo literally can’t differentiate between romantic and platonic love, she’s got off with so many of her mates, so i want awkward friendships where they nearly dated, or exes that have now just turned into weird friendships. fwbs. enemies with benefits. all the angst. all the slow burn mutual pining we hate each other narratives

locals who play sports. margo wld be all over community soccer n take it way too seriously. maybe ppl she plays hockey with. girls who she’s like, weirdly intimate with but its not a thing cos the other girls straight !!! what do u mean !! aha just fun !

she works part time at scuba. i want a mate that just goes and sits in there talking to her until her manager gets angry.

she's also a surf instructor and occasionally works as a lifeguard!! gal has like 7 jobs ik but regular swimmers hmu

ppl she coaches at the gym !! she wants to be a personal trainer

i reckon she might have recently started meditating to try and calm down her mind cos its always bustling with thoughts, n i think she’s p interested in buddhism so if anyone’s a buddhist hmu

someone she’s trying to make a zine with on female empowerment and women in film and art, etc. just a very feminist zine. 

TLDR:  angry sports gay, former high school track prodigy turned drop out, who likes feminist literature, wearing leather jackets over slip dresses, and smudged red lipstick.

this was so long !!! im sorry !! if you’ve read this far have a biscuit, love x

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Weird q..but i really dont understand why most fans hate season 4, especially the last episode. Why? I think it gave us a deeper look on both sherlock and mycroft! I felt it tells a lot about mycroft how he had to step in and take control of things ever since he was a kid himself. Also he is not a robot or a killer. Also redbeard thing. It was an appropriate deep psychological trauma (cause most shows usually disappoint in that area). I am not trying to impose my opinion. Just want to understand

Hey Nonny!

It’s all good, and I totally respect your opinion and how you enjoyed S4! It’s totally okay! I know that there are quite a few who got a lot of of S4, and who genuinely enjoyed it.

Sadly, I am not one of those people, and I’ll try to be as diplomatic a possible in my response, but PLEASE know that I don’t think you’re “terrible” or “stupid” for liking S4 because I DO get passionate sometimes in my responses, and I’m just merely speaking as someone who studied the series very closely for quite a long time before S4 aired, and as someone who knows Day-One-ers (ie., people who watched Sherlock on its day one airdate) who also are a large majority of the people who did not like S4. This is just me simply stating why I didn’t like it, but it’s different for everyone.

Stating what I DO like: The acting and cinematography of the first two episodes were brilliant for what they had to work with, and I’ve never faulted any of the actors for the flaws of S4. And for TFP, they did the best with what they had to work with.

That’s… pretty much all I really liked about S4.

Now, here’s my problems with S4:

Nothing made a LICK of sense to the narrative that they were telling in Seasons prior. 

This series was always based a bit in reality, and suddenly everything became comic-book rules: X-Men villains, shitty “redemption” arc, destroying favourite characters just for drama, ludicrous physics, explosions that only destroyed one small room in an apt where in previous episodes one explosion destroyed an entire block, etc.

Sherlock was OOC.

Mary was being built up to be a fantastic villain? Ah, nope, here’s the lacklustre twist where tee hee Mary’s just an assassin with a heart of gold that still emotionally abuses Sherlock and John and just won’t fucking stay dead.

And speaking of this, the DVD’s make NO LOGICAL SENSE unless she was planning to kill herself

AND she tries to make her death equatable to Sherlock’s??

Everyone was RIDICULOUSLY out of character in TFP, I’m so sorry: Mycroft is a bumbling coward for the most part, Sherlock disregards John when he gives the Vatican Cameos warning, the Holmes Parents are assholes because Mycroft COULDN’T SOLVE A PROBLEM WHEN HE WAS 12?? ARE YOU SERIOUS???? And that creepy Moriarty / Eurus thing, and LITERALLY they’re implying that EVERYTHING HAPPENED BECAUSE EURUS DIDN’T GET A HUG. Like, I’m so sorry, but that’s lazy writing.

And don’t even get me started on the ridiculousness of the entire character of Eurus. She LITERALLY had X-Men powers, and like… just nothing made sense. Her involvement in the entirety of S4 MADE NO SENSE. Why go back to prison if you can get out?? WHAT IS THE POINT?? AND I repeat: She did all this because she didn’t get a hug. Yes. I’m oversimplifying, but at the base level, that’s what it was, because she wanted Sherlock’s attention. Welcome to the club, kid, stand in line, everyone on the SHOW wants his attention.

The ENTIRE plot of the first 2 seasons got wiped out all because it wasn’t Moriarty who was interested in Sherlock, but Eurus?? What… What about Carl Powers?? Like…. the ENTIRETY of season one and TGG makes no sense now, because of that one 5 minute scene where Eurus “enlists” Moriarty. I… ugh.

The SUDDEN tonal switch from kind-of Sherlock to James Bond, for some fucking reason.

And on that note, how terribly lazy and cheap TFP looks in comparison to the other two episodes. The whole episode looks like it was filmed in a small house with 4 identical rooms.

EVERYTHING that was etablished in 2 episodes prior were COMPLETELY forgotten when Mary was “shot”.

The complete character assassination of one loyal blogger John H Watson in favour of Mary for some fucked up reason, even though AT HIS OWN WEDDING HE COULDN’T STAND BEING AROUND MARY. I’m sorry, but I don’t believe for one damned second that John would EVER forgive Mary for murdering his best friend after seeing what it did to him. That’s not love from her, and that’s NOT John’s character EVER in the ENTIRETY of the series.

And speaking of character assassinations, Molly’s character being devolved to S1E1 Molly, where instead of giving her agency like they were doing with her the ENTIRE series, so much so that Sherlock picked up on her dominance enough to give her a big role in his mind palace in HLV and TAB, only to make her a sad little self-insert Mary Sue pining for the main character, and in turn made Sherlock a TERRIBLE human being for MAKING HER say what she did. It’s gross.

AND speaking of Molly’s character, they’ve been setting up Mollstrade since as early as ASiB, but I guess that plot line got shafted. Look I LOVE Hopkins, and I am ANGRY they didn’t give her more than 3 fucking lines in the entirety of ONE episode after HEAVILY promoting her actress and character, but they essentially reduced her to a piece of ass for Lestrade to chase. AND THAT’S NOT HIS CHARACTER EITHER. EW GROSS.

The constant plot holes being gaped wide open, and the Chekov’s gun moments where they bring up shit but do nothing with it!! 

TD-12? Nope, just a lame reference to a story we like. 

John got shot at the end of TLD with a VERY REAL FUCKING GUN? Nope, it was a dart gun. 

John not suddenly knowing how to be a doctor.

The TGG one I mentioned up above. 

What was in the letter? And who was Anyone??

Moriarty essentially being erased as anything other than a hired thug and had no part whatsoever in Sherlock’s history. 

Eurus… Just all of her character is asinine. 

Everyone in T6T suddenly not knowing John’s the blogger, which is in direct contradiction to literally the entire series. 

The AGRA plotline was ridiculous, in the end.

Baby? What baby? It was only there when convenient.

They dropped whatever plotline they were going to do for Mycroft: He was being set up as either dying, or the villain.

Redbeard. I’m sorry, I disagree with you on that. Mofftiss is trying to tell me that a little boy fell down a well and went missing, and that WASN’T the first place searchers / the police wouldn’t have looked? Sorry, no. And then. AND THEN his parents just… go along with this thing where Sherlock shuts down and they DON’T get him therapy? Yes, I agree the mind is a funny thing, and we can be traumatised into forgetting or dissociating from traumatic events. I GET IT. But… like I don’t believe the Holmes are so heartless as to just never grieve or have memories around about their supposedly dead daughter. It’s another OCC thing for me.

John’s cheating.

Disappearing and reappearing characters, like this scene, and the entirety of the aquarium scene.

Mary and John being terrible parents

OH GOD THIS FUCKING SCENE. That bomb SHOULD HAVE DESTROYED THE ENTIRE BUILDING.

What… who was this girl on the plane? What? Like I know WHO, but if she’s supposed to be Eurus talking to Sherlock, why don’t we see Eurus… talking to Sherlock? I … Ugh.

NORBURY. 

The glass SUPER SECRET GOVERNMENT ROOM THAT NO ONE SHOULD SEE INTO in T6T.

Sloppy camera work that some believe was intentional, but if it wasn’t, jesus c’mon.

The RIDICULOUS amount of 4th Wall Breaking. Like… even the actors didn’t give a shit.

Essentially, everything on this list here and in this blog tag here.

And everything mentioned on these three posts:

T6T: 10 Revealing Things That Haunt You Late at Night 

TLD: 10 Revealing Things That Haunt You Late at Night

TFP: 10 Revealing Things That Haunt You Late at Night

There’s SO much more I can go into, but please go through my “something’s fucky” tag in that last link.

Notice how probably 90% of that has NOTHING to do with “johnlock not becoming canon” because the Johnlockers get MONSTROUS accusations as to THAT being why we didn’t like S4, even though it was, like critically panned by the GENERAL AUDIENCE who have NO investment in the series other than “I liked it in the past”.

Two of my fave YouTubers have interesting (not perfect, but still good) takes coming at the series as casual viewers:

‘The Day Sherlock Died’ by The Closer Look

‘Sherlock is Garbage, and Here’s Why’ by hbomberguy

So it’s NOT just Johnlockers. I’ve talked to Sher1011ies at 221B con who didn’t like S4 either, because most of them realized how shitty Molly was treated in the last episode. So yeah, a big middle finger to those who think I dislike S4 because of  “no Johnlock”. No, I disliked it because I need my stories to make logical narrative sense. I disliked it because I love John and they ruined his character all for the sake of drama and because Moffat has a “hurting Ben” kink. I disliked it because Mary should NOT have been “redeemed” because she was an abuser. I disliked it because Moriarty was turned into a cartoon villain, even though he was already overused in the series. I disliked it because the core of the show – the FRIENDSHIP of Sherlock and John, and their solving mysteries together – did not exist at all. I disliked it because John got sidelined. I disliked it because TFP was a ridiculous episode that, if you replace ANY of the characters, it wouldn’t make a difference, because it didn’t feel like an episode of Sherlock. I disliked it because everyone was OOC.

Anyway. Sorry. One too many accusations my way over the past 1100+ days LOL.

As for your assessment of TFP, I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with you. There was no growth and actually it implies something far more sinister: That the Holmes are and were terrible parents that gave no shits about their daughter, their traumatized son, and expected their eldest to essentially be a parent. It implies that Mycroft, at 12 years old, orchestrated the ENTIRE Sherrinford thing… Look I can suspend my disbelief, but there’s limits, and this is one of them. A LITERAL CHILD. Perhaps Uncle Rudy had a hand in it somehow, but then why not shit on Uncle Rudy? Why is Mycroft blamed for it all?

Look, I don’t doubt Sherlock had a traumatic experience regarding “Redbeard”. But then why play into the fact that he was a dog? Why bring another character into the series just to have a gotcha moment? Because Mofftiss wanted a “Shyamalan twist”, that’s why. They threw EVERYTHING away for a twist ending either because they GENUINELY thought it was good, or they got tired of doing Sherlock. ALL of TFP is LITERALLY a really bad plot twist because reasons. TFP makes no sense to the ENTIRE narrative structure of the previous 12 episodes. It erased EVERYTHING from the previous episodes, and coated it with a gross closing by a character no one wanted in the series, and then tried to convince us that it’s a new beginning – “a journey they had to go through” – but it SOLVED NOTHING.

Anyway. I have big feels about S4, and the only way I can enjoy it is to watch it subtextually, but even then, I cannot sit through TFP without cringing. 

That said, Lovelies, please do not attack Nonny for enjoying S4! I know you guys won’t, but Nonny came out with an olive branch and they just want to understand why the fandom is passionate about S4′s… whatever it was. We can have a civil discussion about it, and point out – without attacking – why S4 is universally panned. It’s okay to like things no one else does, and Nonny was respectful to me in this ask! 

So with that, feel free, lovelies, to express why YOU didn’t enjoy the series, or why you did! I’m interested in both “sides” / pov’s whatever :)

[ezrastokes]

[ CODY CHRISTIAN, HE/HIM, CISMALE ] —  [ EZRA STOKES ]  is a child of [ HEPHAESTUS ] with the power of  [ TECHNOKINESIS ] .  they were born in [ 1995 ] and have been in nemean lion since  [ 2010 ] .  with the change, they [ HAVE GRADUATED FROM ] the [ TECHNOLOGY ] role which makes sense since they’re usually [ FIRING POTTERY IN THE KILN AND BREWING A THIRD CUP OF COFFEE ] .  if you’d like to meet them try the [ MOON ]  building .  —  kati / she & her / est / 18+

links: stats / pinterest .

background

most of ezra’s early years were spent not fitting in and for most of that time, he didn’t know why. he didn’t understand why his father seemed to hate him so much, why his younger brother, caleb, seemed to get all of the attention. ezra chalked it up to just not being quite good enough, maybe because he wasn’t into sports the way caleb was, coming home with paint on his shirt instead of grass stains. 

for a while, ezra tried to fit in, went out for baseball to try and garner his father’s approval, but it was never really him. over time, he began to isolate himself instead, because it was easier to be on his own than face rejection and disapproval.

his mom was loving, but only behind closed doors. it always seemed like she was scared to show her affection for ezra in front of his father, like she felt GUILTY about loving him, about caring about him. she’d sneak into his room at night and read him stories or they’d spend all day together when his father was out of town. “ why does dad hate me so much ? ” he’d ask, and his mother would smile sadly and say, “ i’ll explain more when you’re older. ” 

ezra started developing his powers when he was about twelve years old. his mother had hoped it would never happen. it started small, realizing he could do things like make the toaster pop up without touching it or turn on the television with what seemed to be sheer willpower. his parents started noticing this too. he overheard them talking about it one night, fighting. ezra didn’t know what it meant, but over time, he’d listen at the top of the stairwell as the arguments got more and more heated, resulting in broken glass. caleb would sit with him sometimes. “ what are they always fighting about lately ? ” ezra would ask. “ you, ” the dreaded answer, but he’d already known. he just needed to hear someone say it. “ it’s because you’re a freak. ” 

anxious during a test at school, ezra set the printer going so hard that it started smoking and set the fire alarm off. to most people, it was nice to get out of the test, but ezra went home demanding answers. “ just tell me what i am, please ! ” rising frustration, appliances in the house whirring to life. ezra was getting more powerful, it was not just a PHASE that he could outgrow. his parents had to tell him the truth. 

his mother sit down and told him about an AFFAIR she had once, with the god hephaestus. he had been able to forgive her for it, but his father had never been able to get over the living manifestation of her disloyalty, the obvious misfit in the family that stuck out and didn’t belong. every day, ezra seemed less and less like he could be his father’s son. everything seemed to click into place for ezra, but it didn’t make him feel any better to be the product of circumstances he couldn’t control ; things would have been easier if he’d been born normal like caleb. 

his mother expressed concern for the way his powers were growing and that modern society might not be the place for him. she’d been told if such powers ever developed, that there was a place that he could go. so, at age fifteen he packed this things and began training at nemean lion. 

ezra naturally assimilated into the technology track with his powers, it seemed to make the most sense for him. in terms of helping heroes, he is most comfortable beneath the hood of a car, developing advanced transportation technology and essentially providing heroes with the best possible support. he also built his own motorcycle and car from scratch, they’re named thelma and louise respectively, his pride and joys. ezra is  a quiet person but get him talking about his hobbies / geeking out and you’ve hit the sweet spot. 

recently graduated and working, though he feels like he’s in no position to mentor the newbies…he’ll try. he would’ve been happy to be a student forever, but due to nl’s new status, he felt the need to rush his graduation and work a little harder so that they’d have the tech help they need for the heroes on the field fighting monsters and such. 

personality

PERSISTENT. essentially, when ezra sets his mind on something, he will accomplish it. in some ways, he can be pretty one-track minded when it comes to things, like he’ll start a task in the garage or at the kiln and he won’t speak to anyone for days until it’s done. balance ? he doesn’t know her. but achieving his goals ? yes, king. sometimes i think ezra believes that people are to be measured on accomplishments and his value only exists in terms of what he can do for others. however, you can definitely count on him to get a job done. 

PRACTICAL. ezra is a pretty realistic person, not the type to get caught up in a daydream or set an unrealistic expectation for himself. granted, he knows he can accomplish a lot, but he would never expect more of himself than what is tangible. he’s definitely not a naive person and is more inclined to believe actions over words every time. 

INDEPENDENT. ezra is the sort of person who has always felt like he’s had to fend for himself and is pretty mature. he’s good at taking care of himself and has never felt like he NEEDS other – not that anyone’s really need him. he’s very self-sufficient as a person basically and doesn’t rely on others to get things done. you’ll literally never feel like ezra’s a mooch, but he would let others mooch off him tbh. 

PESSMISTIC. as a result of that practicality, he can come off as rather negative in conversation or in ideals. essentially, ezra can be a real downer to be around sometimes because he will always anticipate the worst case scenario ! he’ll tell you he’s just being prepared though. 

SENSITIVE. although he comes off as tough or even unapproachable sometimes, this is actually because he’s EASILY hurt. he puts on a front like a badass but seriously he is a sensitive baby and if you say something that rubs him the wrong way he will legit never forget it. can literally hold a grudge for 8092390482 years like if you cross him slightly he will bring it up until you die. 

headcanons

if he’s not working with vehicles, he’s making pottery. he has a wheel in his room and is really passionate about art and ceramics. so, when he’s not working, he’s probably firing something.

yes, he has an etsy store <3 

has a little black cat named soot that is genuinely his best friend

has a natural affinity toward all things fire and smoke, developing the nasty habit of smoking cigarettes – american spirits, too, because he has no class. however, since he started dating his current girlfriend, he’s pretty much quit smoking to make her happy – and like, to be more kissable.

genuinely, his girlfriend cecilia baum ( y’all know her ? ) has been a super positive influence in his life because he used to drink, smoke, and isolate himself a lot more before getting to know her but honestly the act of developing a crush and trying to impress her all the time got him into better habits and her caring about him has made him care a bit about himself more too.

granted, it’s not JUST cece. making better friends and meeting people that care about him has been a positive influence on him overall

don’t ask me too much about cece, strud and i are mid-plotting but they are dating. 

you’d probably think like mechanic, artist, he must be super messy? however, ezra is really meticulous and organized, i would say he’s always been really mature and independent. he has his shit together, but he’s also fueled by a ridiculous amount of coffee in order to do so. 

though he does often smell like gasoline from working in the garage so much, though he personally loves that. 

really likes thrifting? like browsing thrift stores for hours and finding weird shit or interesting art pieces. he’ll treat thrift stores like museums, could spend hours walking around, but he’ll also spend hours walking around museums. 

wanted connections

best friends, bros, etc !! i’m looking for the people he really vibes with in a number of ways, his squad, his fam, the wholesome shit. the scott to his stiles, the schmidt to his nick, all of these things. 

but i would especially love to have like his DAY ONE, i will simply go crazy go stupid for a best friend connection and i feel like that person who supported him from the start and made him feel less alone on his first days at NL prob means the fucking world to him.

like, someone he’s protective of? maybe a little sister type connection, essentially someone that’s probably softer and more naive and he feels like he has to look out for them and keep them safe and such. 

someone to test out his vehicles and inventions. ezra is always tinkering away in the garage and he comes up with cool stuff for the heroes to use out when they’re saving the world, it would be nice if he had someone who was always down to literally come through in the middle of the night and be the elastigirl to his edna mode and all.

someone that he really clashes with. give me enemies for god’s sake, or anything, i feel like especially when he first arrived at NL he was a bit rough around the edges, hard to get to know. ezra definitely comes off as grumpy and standoffish around people he’s not super comfortable with and he’s pretty introverted, so they might have gotten a bad impression of him. 

or honestly if you play a char that’s kind of ? stuck up ? full of themselves ? that would really rub him the wrong way. tho he’s probably just jealous bc he lacks that confidence like damn. 

an almost? like a case of bad timing where they were hitting it off or maybe there could have been something between them but he started dating cece instead. maybe your character read into it more than it was and felt really hurt by it. OR he told them he didn’t want a relationship/do relationships and then started dating cece right quick like that’s gotta hurt. 

someone who is good w money. help him manage the finances of his etsy store and how to run a business because he doesn’t even know how to properly price his own goods, probably undersells himself. gimme the business mind to his art mind. 

drinking buddies! sitting around w a good glass of scotch talking about life after a hard day. ezra doesn’t drink so much but honestly their work is hard and ppl die so like, a lil something to take the edge off. 

roommates? is that a thing here? he is in moon building.

naturally also down to vibe and plot anything, exes, family members, enemies, besties, all the things, this is just off the top of my head !!!