#i finished her documentary and I'm crying

[erotichwa]

escape ᯓ soobin x femreader

genre: smut, slice of life, little teeny bit fluff

warnings: stress pretty much hard fucking you, sweetest boyfie service top!soobin, soft sex turned into... hehe. oral (f), pet names, spit / lmk if I missed anything!

it's been a hell week for you. you don't know if this is karma getting back to you or your classmates are really just a bunch of assholes making your life miserable.

monday and tuesday started as fine, but it turned into a nightmare after that. wednesday became your starting point—your pet peeves annoying the shit out of you and even corrected your behavior for scolding your classmates who are circling around a fainted girl. you're literally in charge of keeping the class not as chaotic as possible.

thursday really got you. some asshole wrote nasty words on your notebook and you were asked by your professor why did you write it. you explained to him in a panicked voice, "sir, even though I'm foul mouthed sometimes, I would never ever write stupid shit like that to my own notebook." good thing he considered it and gave you a good grade.

friday—earlier, made you almost burst into angry tears. your professor presented a documentary to your class for reflection and to write your opinion about it, but before that happened, you noticed the girl who looks like a butchered barbie whispering to her friend. you shrugged it off, thinking it was nothing. after that, her friend literally sat down in front of you to block the tv from your view. you were pissed, you love watching documentaries.

after class, you immediately went to your boyfriend's house. you entered the house unannounced and plopped down on the couch with a loud, exaggerated sigh.

soobin, who is currently playing mario kart, paused his game to greet you with a kiss. "hey babe, how's school?" sigh, being a college student sucks when your boyfriend just freshly graduated.

you start to ramble about your day and how today's week has been pissing you off. your professor even scheduled to finish the powerpoint presentation by monday—and your group hasn't even started researching!

"I'm sorry about that, love." soobin sighed, placing his big hand on your cheek to caress it. "and I know you haven't got a proper sleep after your examinations. you need a break."

"how?" you asked. "I'm literally gonna cry out of anger right now, maybe even commit arson. but seriously, how am I gonna rest if I have a shit ton of work to do? our date is canceled because of work."

"love, as much as I want to help, I cannot control your professors. and we can reschedule our date, hon. don't worry about it." he says softly, planting a kiss on your forehead which made you feel relieved.

"why don't you let me help you relax and escape from the reality, hmm?" he continued, his eyes filled with lust and admiration for you. you nod at his suggestion, letting him push you gently on the couch to lay on it.

soft, breathy moans escape your lips, legs spread and tits out as soobin eats you out. it was messy, actually. but you didn't mind—he looks good with his mouth and chin covered in your juices and his drool.

your back arched slightly when he inserts one of his long ass fingers, and since you were lost in this pleasure, you started to grind on it because why not?

"a-ahhah... soob..." you whimpered, a sigh coming out from his mouth. "you greedy princess... look at you being fucked out when we just started."

soobin suddenly pulls out his finger, making you whine. he stands up and pulls you on the edge of the couch before aligning his cock on your entrance. you genuinely thought that he was going to be hard on you, just like he always does.

but you were surprised when he pushes himself inside you and starts to thrust with a slow speed, as if grinding on you. you had gotten a little sensitive since it's been two weeks without any sex, blame the shitty college shit of course. and oh, my. it felt like you were in heaven.

having sex with soobin was always passionate, but not as passionate as tonight. you grip his biceps, looking up at him with your mouth slightly drooling. "more.."

"hmm? you want more?" he says, smirking at your request. he paused his thrusting, his lips crashing into yours in a heated kiss.

"you want more, hon? I'll give you more."

© iluvmy-desire, 2024 [ please don't steal. reblogging and liking my posts will be very appreciated. ]

[pablitogavii]

Omg can we get gavi and reader watching the Barca new era documentary together!!! It would be so cute I feel like gavi would be so humble and flustered 🥹

Movie Night

"Do we have to amooor???" Pablo was whining while you were making some popcorn in the kitchen very much excited to watch the four new episodes of Barça Documentary.

"Yes, we do cariño! I can't wait to see it!" you say jumping on th couch with a bowl of popcorn in your lap and he pouted that you didn't sit on his lap and let him cuddle you. Pablo isn't much of a talker so he would never ask but you knew his love language is definitely physical touch.

"Do you want something cariño??" you tease him seeing his blushed cheeks as he looked away pretending to look at his phone but you saw right through his little tough act. He wanted to be cuddled and was too proud to admit it like always.

You chuckle leaning in and kissing his pouting lips before putting the bowl to the side and straddling his lap seeing the smile shine on his face.

"Did I guess right huh??" you ask feeling his hands let go off the phone immediately and go around you.

"Mhm.." was all he answered pulling you closer and smelling your hair before leaving sweet kisses on your shoulder and neck.

"You're such a cuddle bug Pablito" you giggle feeling his strong arms wrap around your body holding you tightly.

"Hm.." Pablo groaned wanting to move his kisses lower but you pulled back shaking your head and grabbing the remote from the table starting the first episode.

"Good try!" you smirk starting the first episode and he groaned laying his head on top of yours as you nuzzled your nose into his neck.

You were very much focused on the screen listening to everything while Pablo was braiding your hair, leaving kisses on your shoulder and a few pecks on your lips.

"Your little giggle is adorable Pablito" you say making Pablo flustered which was also one of the most adorable things to witness. Not many people can get him adorably shy like this and you were proud of be one of them.

"This is why I didn't want to watch it!!" he whines pretending to hate whenever you baby him but you both knew he was a big baby at heart. You moved off his lap since he wanted to lay on your chest and have you play with his hair as you played the next episode.

"I really love you in gold kit amor..so handsome" you say and he smirked looking up at meeting your eyes as you both smiled.

"I thought purple was your favorite one loquita?? I always dress you up in that one when we have our 'playtime'.." he smirked and you rolled your eyes knowing that one is definitely one of your main weaknesses. Now you were the flustered one and he was very much proud of himself!

"Sush amor! I wanna hear the interview!" you turn the volume up seeing Pablo speaking on the screen wanting to pay attention to every word feeling very proud of him in this moment.

"The kinds of accidents you had during these seasons were truly chilling. How does your family react to them? They surely get worried?" question asked

"When I'm on the pitch, I don't think about anything but the game. My family does get scared and so do I when I re-watch it but most of all, it's my girl that takes it extremely hard" he said and you were curious now to hear more blushing that he called you "mi nena" in front of everyone.

"She worries a lot about you?" question came and Pablo was smiling brightly into the camera.

"Yeah, she does. I hate to see her cry whenever I get injured but that's part of my job. She always begs me to be more careful and I try to play so sharp for her but sometimes there is no alternative you know..." Pablo answered and you smiled looking down and pecking his lips.

"Is it hard delegating between a relationship and professional athletic career?" was another question.

"I thought it would be which is why for awhile I was single but with her everything feels right. She's my biggest support system and I am so grateful for having found her." Pablo finished and you felt your eyes fill with tears as your heart melted. You didn't expect him to speak about you let alone in such a deep and sweet way knowing how shy he gets in front of camera.

"Aww preciosa..don't cry" he said getting up from your lap and holding your face while kissing away your tears as you hands went behind his neck playing with his hair while kissing his lips lovingly.

"I love you so much cariño!" you say and Pablo smiled into the kiss nodding his head and kissing your forehead before pulling you into a tight hug.

"I love you too mi nena..even when you make me watch myself on TV" he smirked after the last part and you both giggled before kissing each other passionately. For the rest of the night you binge watched the new season while cuddling on the couch and enjoying each other's company.

[crippling-pages]

i just finished The Reappearance of Rachel Price by Holly Jackson

freaking screaming like what.

First off, Rachel, Bel, and Carter are my new favorites

Bel and Ash>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I NEED MORE BEL AND ASH

Ramsey is so damn cool. Like he sees his brother and law and 'the heart of the film' go out and do this stuff and he's like "okay wait you need them to sign the papers first" And the part at the end? YES SIR BRO'S THE BIG BROTHER BEL NEEDED

BEL AND ASH

I'm not mad that Charlie did; that horsefucker had it coming. But Jeff? Cmon, really? I liked Jeff... Also Sherry- ngl i thought it was kind of harsh what Rachel, Bel, and Carter did to her- I feel bad...

BEL AND ASH

Carter's freaking amazing. Like thats it.

BEL AND ASH

Bel is an amazing character and I love her so much she is my child

BEL AND ASH

Rachel is so DAMN AMAZING. She's so impressive and smart and just straight up AWESOME.

BEL AND ASH

I NEED MORE BEL AND ASH OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH LIKE AHHHHHHHHHHHH

"I don't care about the footage. I don't care about the documentary, that I've fucked it all up. I care about you."

I love them more than anyone could imagine

But yeah i have a lot more thoughts but these are the biggest ones right now this book is a 5/5 its amazing 1000% recommend goodbye i need to cry now

[letsgetrowdy43]

Timeline—

Au Masterlist!!

Evangeline "Angie" Chandler is from Dallas, Texas. She was raised there by her mother and father, alongside her older and younger sister.

Her mother played hockey alongside Ellen when they were little and remained one of her closest friends up until graduating from college, the two of them lost contact as their lives got busy and they both gained a career and families.

But they got close again when a scout reached out to the Chandler family and offered Angie a position on the USNTDP team, while they were searching for a suitable Billet family they saw Ellen and Jim's names on the list of available rooms and knew that Angie would be in good hands.

Ellen had quite the house full, Quinn was at Umich, Luke and Jack were still at home, and Angie and Alex Turcotte moved into the remaining spare bedrooms as Billet kids. It was hectic, but was so much fun.

Angie loved living with the Hughes, and Ellen quickly became her idol as the mother helped her through the acclimation to playing on an all-boys team, she helped with the tears and the breakdowns, talking her out of quitting her sport when her actual mother couldn't be there to help her through it all.

Angie finishes out her two years with the program, makes an insane name for herself, and suddenly she gets a call from the NHL inviting her out to the combine

The Combine goes well, she is obviously athletically gifted so she does all of the testing just fine, her interviews with teams were a little disheartening, but her ones with the Devils and the Sabres both felt really promising.

Now that it's known throughout the league that a girl was invited out to participate amongst the boys she's getting a little anxious about how real this all is

People either hate her or love her, her stats were impeccable so many hockey lovers are really rooting for her, whereas some people just absolutely hate her

So it becomes a lot, ESPN does a little documentary on her life and achievements, NHL does one on her impact within the program, its a lot of positive media where she's sharing her struggle to be seen as an equal.

She sat through many sexist interviews and read many disgusting tabloids about her that all lacked the conversation of hockey and focused more on literally anything else

But people still really hate her, her 'softness' is not the type of thing the league is built for blah blah blah, misogynistic bullshit.

Anyways, the draft comes around and she is a part of the League "Welcome to the NHL" video along with Cole, Jack, and a few other draftees.

She wore a lavender suit with a list of Women who pushed and fought to get her where she is in life on the inside of her jacket along with a tiny Ellen Hughes quote that said "Give 'em hell," an homage to the woman who pushed her the most.

She was trending on Twitter the second she stepped on that carpet, she was so obsessed with reading how much people hated her as she sat in the stands, that her dad had to take her phone to calm her nerves.

Jack went first like she knew he would, and she was the first person he went to hug after he went through his whole family, whispering a short "I owe this all to you," as she shook her head and hugged him tightly.

She wasn't drafted in the end, and she was so upset, but she was more upset with herself for even thinking that being in the NHL was a possibility.

She ends up crying in Ellen's arms outside of the arena, realizing that nothing she could do would ever be good enough.

She almost quits hockey that summer, but Quinn calls her outraged when she doesn't show up for the first summer training session.

"So that's it?" he asks over the phone. "I don't know what else I can do Q, I've done everything I can at this point, it's not worth the fight anymore" He let out a bitter laugh, "So you just let them win?" she sat for a second in silence before he spoke up again, "I'm not allowing that Chandler, I better see you tomorrow or I will show up to your house and drag you here myself." It was safe to say that she went the next day, but the real emotional moment was when Jim texted her telling her that he missed her at practice to tell her he was proud of her for pushing past it all

Then she was off to university, much like most of the USNTDP boys, Jack and Quinn are both now in the League playing their rookie years

Her collegiate rookie year was the same year as covid so it's pretty bland, her team and roommate are the only people she gets to be around so she felt very isolated by the end of the year

Before the entire world shut down though she got a chance to visit Jack during her reading week, and this is where she meets Nico for the first time

It was literally just a week of him and her giving each other heart eyes, Jack was over it the second it started, he wanted time with his Angie and Nico was ruining it.

By the end of her trip, Jack had practically locked her in his room and said that she couldn’t leave until it was time to go home cause he wanted to hang out with just her for a few days, with no Nico, and no distractions.

Luke got drafted in 2021, and she was asked to join Quinn and Jack in a video tribute for him and the Hughes for ESPN, she gladly reached out and accepted the interview.

It was at that time that a producer told her that if she ever wanted to give up her pipe dream, she could always have the backup of reporting or journalism. She was not a fan of that comment.

She was also there to witness Jack’s over-the-top reaction, which she still relentlessly bullies him for.

She spoke a little to Pat Brisson that night, and he hinted that shortly, the league is gonna do some growing and he wants to be the one to represent her if there ever comes a time that she needs it. She tells him that she’ll reach out if she ever needs to.

She became an Assistant/Alternate captain in her second year (2021-2022) and she loved it, she really grew into her role as a leader and her team was amazing.

Nothing happened over the summer of ‘22 other than training, and a summer fling that she meets at a bar in Michigan.

Fall semester 2022 starts and she’s back in Minnesota, but around a month in she gets a call from the devs asking to meet with her.

Nico, Lindy, Tom Fitzgerald, and a few other legal and coaching staff representatives are the few people in the room as they go over the terms and conditions of her joining the team.

It was summed up to her that she was being brought in as that “glue” character in their locker room, that she was to bring that close-knit family structure that they were missing. The staff had heard from many sources that she was the girl they were gonna want to bring this feeling to, so the devs were the first to take a chance on her.

Nico asked her out a few weeks later and it was a hard no, she was almost a little offended that he even attempted.

So there starts the heat of awkward tension between them, they have amazing chemistry, they play the same line, and they spend nearly every waking second in each other's presence, but there is still some tension between the two of them that seems a little less than friendly and slightly flirty.

Angie is not looking for romance whatsoever, she has a shot at a career, and to her, it seems like Nico is trying to jeopardize her place on the team, or that he doesn't see her as a teammate so she is not only mad but also really hurt that he would act like he wants her there but also through his actions shows that he doesn't.

He doesn't get that, he's a man, and he worked hard to get where he is but he's never faced the same challenges as her so he doesn't see how the weight of his actions could affect her shot at a professional career.

She attended the 2023 all-star weekend in Florida with Jack, and they had a blast, she's the one who sunk Sidney in the dunk tank which was a “mega slay” as she explained it to the reporter on sight (her media training went right out the window the second she saw Crosby)

Her being a locker room staple on the team obviously worked cause they make playoffs!!

She plays a really good run too, with 12 points in her 10 games, but she gets injured in game 4 against the Canes and she didn't play game 5

She sprained her knee and broke her wrist from a hit to the boards and was actually distraught when she was told she couldn't play for the rest of the run. She thought the boys would back her up, and she wanted to prove that she wasn't soft and could continue, but Nico put his foot down and told them that they had to think about her health first and not the possibility of a win.

She somehow found herself at the Stanley Cup finals a few weeks later, helping with commentary for ESPN, she was on a panel with Biz and Gretzky which was both equally terrifying and hilarious.

Angie also attended her first-ever NHL awards ceremony, she was a finalist for ‘Rookie of the Year’ and she won!!!

Nico saw her in her gown and was literally like 😻😻😻 the entire night, Lindy would not let him live it down either, he was relentlessly bullying the Captain every time he even glanced at the girl who was basically the fan favourite on the carpet.

Her summer is spent with a strict physical therapy regimen, but she still has a lot of fun, even attended the Tkachuck wedding with the Hughes’

She spends a week in Sweden with Jesper cause his mother really wants to meet this girl whom both Nicole and Jesper raved about during the season.

Going into her sophomore year she was so scared of ending up in a slump, and she did absolutely that from stressing about it so much.

Her sophomore year is also the year she realizes just how loved she is by the team, because of this slump all of the boys are doing everything in their power to get her through it.

It's also the year she realizes that she might be in love with her captain, but she definitely pushes that thought far to the back of her mind, not willing to think or reflect on it cause she needs to focus on herself and her career.

At this point, Nico has accepted that she views him as a teammate and nothing more so he is just focused on the betterment of the team, but deep down he knows that he will never meet someone more perfect for him than her.

Luke puts him into perspective during training camp while he's bitching about how he doesn't understand why she just won't let him be happy. And Luke being the basically little brother he is just sits up and rips into Nico for being so blind.

"It's like no one in this locker room realizes how much harder she worked for this than we all did?" he looked at the captain as everyone quieted, "she has a point to prove, you just have to play hockey, she has to show that she is worthy to even ben considered equal" and with that, he headed out to the ice, stunning Nico, his brother, and literally everyone in the room.

So that's why he has dropped any type of advances for her that he was trying to pursue, realizing that he was only harming her by trying to chase whatever feelings he had.

Angie on the other end is dealing with a mental battle, cause she never wants to be known as that girl who gets on this team and starts sleeping with her captain, having a reputation followed by a negative connotation is the last thing she wants.

But it's the holidays, they are in Ohio and are celebrating a win against the Blue Jackets in one of the hotel conference rooms, and Nico and her have not left each other's sides all night. The two of them decide to step out for a second of air, cold air filling their lungs as they just quietly stare at each other. The night had been filled with fleeting glances and quick moments of physical touch as they sat next to each other, thighs brushing against each other and hands momentarily touching. So now they are standing outside with this thick tension between them, and she just kisses him.

It's safe to say that she runs straight to her hotel after profusely apologizing to him, his eyes wide as she steps away from him with shaky hands and then just leaves him in shock.

She calls Quinn immediately, she doesn't know why, but she needs to tell someone, and she can't tell Jack, she sure as shit can't tell Trevor or any of the other USNTDP boys, so she calls her basically older brother.

Quinn assures her that she isn't going to get kicked off the team for a simple kiss, and Nico will surely be fine in the morning

Nico is just absolutely gagged, so he's fine, just shocked.

She literally can't look at him for weeks, and he's going insane from her ignoring him, so he pulls her aside and is like 'This needs to stop'

Nico stops her on her way out of Lindy's office and says he needs to talk, she is literally frozen in fear as they walk to an empty room. "Are we okay?" "I am so sorry," they say at the same time as they just stare at each other. "Why are you sorry?" "I kissed you? and it was weird and unprofessional?" "It's fine, just stop being weird about it, it happened, we move past it," he said, trying not to smother her with the feelings that he's still trying to keep it at bay, "do you regret it?" "Yes," is all she says before sighing and watching him nod and leave the room.

They both know she doesn't actually regret it, she is just doing what is best for her and for her name.

I have no idea how they get together just yet, so if you guys have any ideas lmk!!!

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[maweallgotohell]

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚Jerome Valeska* x artist reader˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

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Okay wait guys hear me the fuck out-

Jerome secretely walking the streets of Gotham after an exhausting meeting and seeing artist reader on a camping chair in front of the easel she brought, painting an old man and his wife sitting on a bench by the river?!?! AND THEN HE FALLS FOR HER BECAUSE SHE'S SO PASSIONATE ABOUT ART AND PAINTING?!?!

okok so she doesn't know about him being a famous criminal and she finds him like super aesthetically pleasing, like his looks, the scars etc. yk. He seems very interesting to her.

In her eyes, all about him is a piece of art and he's like super impressed by her talent and her kindness.

 And so they chat a little and then he asks her for her NUMBER AND WHEN SHE GETS HOME SHE IMMEDIATELY RECEIVES A MESSAGE FROM HIM, ASKING IF SHE'D GO OUT ON AN ART MUSEUM DATE!?!? AND THEN THEY GO ON A FUCKIN' ART MUSEUM DATE TOGETHER?!?!

or she sees him while she's painting and she thinks he's so breathtakingly pretty that she paints him and when she's finished, she confidently walks over to him and hands him the painting and then the rest happens?!?! 

omg I have to make this a one shot, I'm crying-

and when they're together, they move in together and he especially picked out an apartment with an extra room, so that could be her own little atelier?

And when he's exhausted from "work", he likes to make them both a coffee and watch her paint for fuckin' HOURS, or, if she doesn't paint in that moment, they snuggle up with blankets on the couch together and watch art documentaries until they fall asleep?!?! 

If they watch documentaries about artists, she often starts crying, either because their lifes were so tragic, or because their art is so pretty. Mostly both. Jerome gets all confused then but adores his girlfriend for being so empathetic and how such things can impact her or make her feel in such a way. 

And sometimes when they both have time, they go out together and they pick out a nice place to paint. Sometimes those are places which either her or him find very beautiful and then she paints them on like cafe or picnic dates (depends on the place) and he collects all those drawings and paintings and keeps them in kind of a collection folder or he goes and gets them framed so he can put them up on the walls of their living room or kitchen?

From time to time he even asks her, if she could paint him (she does that so often, he's kind of like her muse) or he asks if they could paint together and if she could teacch him some techniques. 

He also asks her to explain the painting tools she uses to him. 

"What the fuck is gouache YN?"

"Why would you use a spatula? And then even in 12 different sizes."

" What do you sketch the little squares for?"

"What does the 'HB' on your pencil mean?"

It's so funny and adorable to her, how interested he is in her hobby. It's so cute.

Oh and he randomly brings you stuff, even if he doesn't know what it's for.

"Hey YN! I just came back and guess what I brought you? A palette of aquarelles! I can't really tell the difference between watercolors and this, but the palette was so small and cute, I had to get it for you."

He'd be such a cutie when it comes to your hobby omg-

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[13eyond13]

Hey Bloz! How r u? I cannot even begin to express how fun it’s been to see ur Beatles posts on my dash. the minute I saw the Real Love demo I was like ok… she’s fallen down the rabbit hole XD I was fixated on them last year for a good few months. It was a lot of fun reading about them, watching their movies, and reading fan analyses online. There’s so much out there! And Beatles rpf is a whole world unto itself lol at first I was skeptical of it but then… I was intrigued haha

Do u have any fave songs or albums? :)

Omg hello Jess!! I miss you and it's so nice to hear from you 🫂

Hahaha YES I'm pretty deep into The Beatles lore rabbit hole already, it's been my main fixation for entertainment for the past month or so. You're right, there's just so much to dig into. Caught me totally by surprise, I feel like I'm so late to the game to just be having a Beatles phase now... I never felt extremely interested in learning about them before, but a randomly recommended YouTube video (x) about how it's reductive to blame the band's breakup solely on Yoko Ono drew me into this whole fascination a few weeks back.

😆 And hah, you must have sent this ask to me right before I deleted that "Real Love" demo reblog, because I thought I'd better delete it after I looked in the notes of the post and saw the OP wasn't taking kindly to anybody questioning if John was actually giggling instead of sobbing there (which is what I think he was doing, personally... but it still sounded like he was writing something about Paul? 🤷‍♀️ idk, doesn't need to be crying for it to still be a bit of an eyebrow raiser, imo)

I haven't actually really looked into any rpf yet, just digesting the "canon" material and whatnot (listening chronologically to their discography and not completely finished with that yet, up to halfway through the White album rn). Been watching their movies and behind the scenes stuff and documentaries (the Get Back one by Peter Jackson was fascinating even for a relatively new fan to watch, imo), reading a bigass biography about them (Tune In by Mark Lewisohn, it's like this great slowburn real-time mosey through the band's childhoods and earliest days together), and watching the occasional YouTube video deep dives (this one series in particular is p beautifully made and impressively researched and really got me in the feels regarding the shippy theories about J&P: [x])

As for my faves of their music, I haven't finished listening to 100% of their albums yet, BUT right now I'm actually very partial to some of their earliest records. I feel like some of their more normie stuff from the early 60s is actually the most fantastic fun to listen to, and Please Please Me and A Hard Day's Night might be the two albums with the most bangers that I never want to skip so far. Their more experimental and psychedelic and surreal later stuff is also interesting and arguably more unique and groundbreaking or creative or whatever, but I'm not as familiar with them outside of the main extremely famous tracks on them yet, and I'll need to finish listening and let them grow on me a bit before I can probably say for sure. However I think so far my faves from their later stuff would probs be Magical Mystery Tour, Abbey Road, and possibly the White Album (once I actually finish listening to it).

John is definitely my favourite Beatle, which was actually a complete surprise to me, I thought he'd be my least fave. And there are so many good bops that it's hard to narrow it down, but some of my personal faves so far are I Saw Her Standing There, I Should Have Known Better, I Want to Hold Your Hand, It Won't be Long, A Hard Day's Night, Do You Want to Know a Secret, Oh! Darling, I Want You (She's So Heavy) and If I Fell... hmm, I think maybe I'm just kinda a sucker for their simple and enthusiastic and joyful love songs the most, usually?

Thank you for sending me this sweet ask! I'd love to hear what some of your faves are too 🧡

[pantsaretherealheroes]

fave movies of 2024!

wanted to do this meme since I saw it around! my top ten of 2024 (this was very very hard for the back five especially)

The Holdovers - I saw this while I was home with covid and I liked it so much I made sure my mum and I went to support it in cinemas too. everyone in this is so good. emotional without being treacly or over-sentimental. saw it in january, it was not surpassed for me (although there were some contenders)

Challengers - got to see this in a completely empty luxe cinema with my sister. Vibes UNMATCHED onscreen bisexuality HAPPENING toxic polycule UNDEFEATED the score AGRESSIVELY GOOD, my favourite cinema experience of 2024

I Saw the TV Glow - you know sometimes you see yourself in a movie and it's nice and sometimes you see yourself and it's like, hey stop looking at me i feel extremely exposed. i'm not trans so maybe i'm not getting the 100% complete experience of that but like. there was a lot that felt uncomfortably a callout to me and my experience personally. phenomenal, disturbing film that i feel like usually i wouldn't have enjoyed but i have not stopped thinking about it, my god.

Thelma - this movie has no right to be as good as it is. everyone in it could be a stock character but isn't. i want 17 oscars for june squibb who is NINETY FOUR and so funny and made me cry in this movie. also her grandson is played by fred hechinger my beloved. will make you want to call your grandparents, if they're still around. made me laugh made cry was super nuanced about old people's living situations and different modes for different people. also nicole byer is in it. what more do you want

Conclave - Mean Girls: Papal election edition. Everyone in this movie is doing the most in the best way. The cutest cardinal ever. Ralph Fiennes requesting gossip and then saying I CAN'T HEAR IT I'M SEQUESTERED. Tooch. Lucian Msamati's everything. That one vaping cardinal who sucked but looked great doing it. ISABELLA ROSSELINI. Absolute banger start to finish.

A Real Pain - saw this on my birthday and I'm really impressed by almost everything in it. the characterisation has nuance and depth and is truly relatable (I'm David, it made me cringe sometimes how much) and if we're not giving Kieran Culkin all the awards for this what are we doing.

Fancy Dance - god. this movie. took forever to get distributed even though it was really well received at festivals and clearly made on a shoestring but looks so good, people need to be investing in Indigenous filmmakers (not just in the US, but specific to this movie, Indigenous filmmakers making layered, hard to easily define stories about modern Indigenous people's lives) Lily Gladstone's so fantastic in this - like, if you loved her in Killers of the Flower Moon please watch this I know it's on apple tv and it's a pain but please she's so good and she has a lot more to do! So much about motherhood and family and specifically how this works within Indigenous communities in the US. Watch it!

Your Fat Friend - the only documentary on this list, and I don't watch many but I love Aubrey Gordon from Maintenance Phase and I was delighted this was even able to get screenings here, I didn't think it would happen. This movie made me cry intensely and then again talking about it on the way home. I can't say my experiences are really all that comparable to hers, but there was some stuff that really got me. Such a lovely, well-made look at her life and her experiences - sometimes tough, but not misery porn either. support a fat queer lady who is extremely funny and smart and seek it out~

Kneecap - i went into this movie not realising that Kneecap is a) a real band and b) playing themselves in this movie, and that was a wild thing to find out AFTER I saw the whole thing. it was such a fun experience, and I loved how much the Irish language is foregrounded both in the script and the music (which is again, real!)

No Hard Feelings - I don't have a long winded passage here just I did not expect this movie to be as funny and genuine as it was, and i think i haven't seen a truly great comedy in a while so I wanted to shout this one out. especially for the "first meeting" scene, i was crying.

tagging if you're interested and want to do a top 5/top 10 @cal-daisies-and-briars @jeeyuns @jellicle-ball @manycoloureddays @spaceportfloozy :)

[toffee-and-tandoori]

omg al @osaka-lilac literally tagged me for this game back in june 2023 and i literally just finished it lmao! i wanted to give myself ample time to write thorough answers to these questions and kept on procrastinating on it as a result - so sorry!

1. are you named after anyone?

in a way yes! my middle name (elizabeth) is from my paternal great-grandmother. but it's also my mother's saint name. and since my last name is my father's first name (since our culture uses patronyms), i carry the name of both my mother and my father - this was a very intentional choice by my parents! i think it's super cool and because of that i will never change my name :)

2. when was the last time you cried?

last tuesday? which honestly is impressive for me since i tend to be a crier - it's probably because i've been on a scheduled month-long break from medical school.

anyways i cried because my mother was being pretty careless and tried to lift all of our bowls over her head to put them back in our cupboard (it hasn't been formally diagnosed but she definitely has some neuropathy in her hands). she dropped a ton of bowls, they shattered, and i accidentally stepped on a ceramic shard.

the crying was a mixture of the pain from stepping on this shard, my frustration at my mother for being so careless (since my dad and i often have to tell my mother not to do potentially dangerous things in the kitchen), and fear of my dad's reaction (i have a...complex relationship with my dad - i love him but he definitely has anger management and abandonment issues stemming from childhood).

no worries though! my mother felt REALLY horrible about what happened and effectively got scared straight into being more careful in the kitchen - my frustration resolved pretty quickly since i know it was an accident. also my dad's reaction ended up being a lot better than i thought (mostly since he was in the middle of a meeting and could only leave his home office hours after it happened). finally the cuts i sustained were pretty minor and are healing up very nicely!

3. do you have kids?

nope! i do want to have a kid or two eventually but not for at least 10 years!

4. do you use sarcasm a lot?

not really? i’m bad with detecting sarcasm a lot when it’s subtle but when you do the whole fake voice thing, then i get it. idk if it’s just the overanalyzer in me or what.

5. what sports have you/do you play?

the closest thing i've done to playing a sport is probably marching band for three years in high school.

oh and i very briefly took ballet classes when i was 7 or 8 years old! i don't really count it though since i quit after 3 months and really didn't do any actual dancing during my time - ballet really wasn't for me!

6. what’s the first thing you notice about people?

how tall they are since i am almost certainly looking up at them!

7. scary movies or happy endings?

i don't mind a psychological thriller movie (although i will probably watch it peeking through my fingers - i am horrible with jump scares!) and i love movies/documentaries that really allow me to reflect on uncomfortable truths. at my core though i'm an absolute sucker for a happy ending <3

8. any special talents?

uhhh does being able to pick things up with my toes count? otherwise...remembering people's birthdays?

9. where were you born?

i'll keep it vague to avoid doxxing myself and say i was born and raised in the midwestern united states! i moved to a neighboring state for college but then moved back to my hometown for medical school. <3

10. what are your hobbies?

besides curating this blog, i love listening to music, watching documentaries and cooking videos, reading/writing poetry and short stories. whenever i have the time AND motivation, i also bake and play the clarinet and piano!

11. do you have any pets?

unfortunately, i do not have any pets :(

12. how tall are you?

5'0'' (or 152.5 cm) - i'm quite short!

13. fave subject in school?

as i've been mentioning in all of my psychiatry residency interviews, taking ap psychology during my senior year of high school changed the course of my life - i hadn't been exposed to the study of psychology in any substantial capacity before that moment and it was love at first sight (of my textbook). that one class inspired me to major in psychology and set me on the path i'm on now.

14. dream job?

i am actively working towards becoming a psychiatrist! at this time i'm trying to determine if i want to work with child and adolescents (as that would require me to do a two-year fellowship) or if i would feel fulfilled just working with young adults.

15. eye color?

a very dark brown - almost black!

at this point (literally a year and a half after i was tagged lmao) i'm effectively re-starting the game so i'll tag @roscoehamiltons @lil-shiro @comraderoscoes @userkritaaay @lafaerie and anyone else who wants to do this. no pressure as always and if you do end up doing this, please feel free to take all the time you need (i would be a hypocrite if i said otherwise) <3

[ramshacklefey]

Murderbot Diaries Comment Bingo Rec Post!

On the final eve, I have finished a full blackout for my comment bingo board! To wrap it up (and fill in my last square), I'm sharing some of my favorite Murderbot fics.

acknowledged (GP-53214680-J) by torpidgulliver We know what happened in Ganaka Pit. This is that story from the ComfortUnits' point of view. (cw for graphic violence, death, and way too many feels)

construct_killware.log by RoundedLoaf ART and Murderbot discuss exactly what information about each of them 2.0 will need in order to function. Bonus points for some adorable ART memories.

Why did you? by 002045 The human who shoots Murderbot at the end of Fugitive Telemtry tells her version of that story. Absolutely heart-wrenching.

Best SecUnit to hire in 7614 by JellyFishOnACloud Don't click out of the ad.

Cinema Verite by BoldlyNo Making a documentary out of your friend's memories is Not a Good Time for Ratthi.

[META] Security vs Combat by Verso Excellent and insightful thoughts on the importance of Murderbot's identity as Security. Extra bonus points for Sam Vimes mention!

Broken Half by FigOwl It made me cry so hard my roommates were legit worried about me.

Maintenance Manual for SecUnits models 36b-27f by Wordlet When Mensah receives the maintenance manual for the person she just bought she discards it on instinct. It's not until later, while trying to navigate the needs of a person she has limited context for, that the supplementary reading becomes useful. It's not instructions the way they are supposed to be but it does provide… guidance.

Digital Storage and File Sharing by RJam9 What if. Murderbot got involved in the fandom forums for Sanctuary Moon?

Stunt doubles (please stop coming to Murderbot with weird questions) by FascinatedFinch Ok, but Ratthi needs to know if this particular stunt is familiar. For... reasons.

Imma stop there before this gets impossibly long! This was some of the best fun I've ever had with a fandom event. Love and thank you to everyone who wrote these awesome fics and everyone who stopped by to leave comments on my writing too!

And also a special thank you to @comment-bingo for running the event!

[wishpid]

The Boy on the Bike

Pairing: None

Length: 804 words Genre: Angst, Mystery

Warning: not edited, Mentions of taemin being missing, talk of being watched, kidnapping, lots of crying

Synopsis: Years after Taemin is declared missing, an documentary crew reach out to you. You retell the event and the days leading up to it as Taemin's childhood best friend.

Note: This came to me after Taemin's Guilty trailer was released and from Twitter (X) theories. Please don't read if reading anything in this will upset you/ heed the warnings I've put. I have an more upbeat/fluffy alternative version that is still based off of Taemin's Guilty teaser photos (it's linked below)

Original

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

"I met Taemin 2 weeks after I moved into my grandparent's home. He was my neighbor and first friend" You told the interviewer. "You could always see him riding his bike around the neighborhood" You smiled sadly as you thought back to those times.

"How was it like being friends with Taemin?" the interviewer asked you.

"He was caring, smart, and so much fun. You'd never find another friend like him in your life. Despite our guardians forcing us to hang out, Taemin introduced me to his friends, took me around town and made me feel included."

The reporter smiled at your answer. "Could you tell me about the day Taemin went missing?" She asked. You nodded as you took a deep breath.

"The days leading up to it, he had been complaining about the feeling of being watched"

-

"Y/N!" Taemin whispered yelled as he threw rocks at your window. It was early in the morning so he was being careful as to not disturb the neighbors.

You opened your window and peeked your head out. "Taemin? Aren't you supposed to be getting ready for your routes?" You asked with confusion.

"Come with me."

"What?"

"Come with me. I just don't want to do them alone."

You nodded before closing your window again. This isn't the first time you've done the male's newspaper route with him but it was odd of him to ask like this. You wrote a note letting your grandparents know that you had left with Taemin before walking outside.

"So...Is there a reason why you want a buddy?" You asked Taemin as you grabbed your bike.

He seemed to contemplate before shaking his head. "You wouldn't believe me" Taemin said. The two of you setting off on your bikes.

"Not True!" you argued back looking at the male.

"I keep having this feeling that someone is watching me and my every move" he finally spoke after a long pause.

"What! How long?" Your bike staggers from the shock at his statement. Taemin just shrugs in response.

-

"I went with Taemin on his routes for about a month until I got sick" You say. Tears welled up in your eyes as you thought about that day. "Could I have a moment, please?" You ask the interviewer and their crew. She nods and motions for the cameramen to stop recording.

"Take your time," the woman tells you, rubbing your arm in attempt to bring you some comfort. While you had worked through the guilt with your therapist, you couldn't help but wonder if Taemin would still be here if you had gone with him.

-

Taemin pushed you back into your grandparent's house and to your room. You make sounds of protest "I could still go on your routes with you!" you whisper yell at the male.

"No, you lay down and get some rest" Taemin replies as he tucks you into your bed. "I'll come see you when I'm finished with my route, okay?" he tells you as he caresses the side of your face. "Feel better" the male says as he leaves the room.

~

You were surprisingly woken up by your grandmother frantically opening your room door. She has tears streaming down her face as she embraces you. "You're safe. Thank god, you're safe" she says.

"What's wrong, grandma?" you ask, confused by her actions.

"Taemin's missing. He hasn't returned from his routes yet and they found his bike on the side alone." Your grandma explains to you. "Since you've been going with him, I was worried about you too" she continues as you get up from your bed. You hurry to put socks and shoes on at the news.

-

"That morning was the last time I saw Taemin. We spent months looking for him after the discovery of his bike but with no luck. The police still have no clue about what exactly happened to Taemin."

"And you have reason to believe that it's whoever was watching Taemin around that time?" the reporter asks with a curious look. You nod, explaining that the only clue you have to the male's disappearance. "Is there anything you want to say if Taemin is out there or to his kidnapper?" the woman asks at the end of your interview.

"If you know anything about what happened to Lee Taemin, please just tell us what happened. Bring his family and friends some closure; it's the least we deserve after all these years. And Taemin, if you're still out there. Come back home, your parents are waiting for you and we all miss you. I would love to have my best friend again" You say looking into the camera for the first time since you sat down. You had tears in your eyes again with a few spilling over your waterline to your cheeks.

[verdantlady]

Prompt: You are a ghost or demon who is about to be exorcized. How will you avoid this horrid fate?

My greatest downfall with writing prompts is my inability to write a short story instead of the beginning of a novel. I clearly need to work on getting to the point faster. I barely covered the prompt whoops. Here's a 20 minute writing prompt from writing club yay!

The editing on this is v minimal

~~~~~~~

Jenny’s head was a terrible place.  She was so bogged down by anxiety and self ridicule it was like a never ending barrage of bad thoughts.  Ghost hadn’t meant to fall into it.  He had just been minding his business, opening a few cupboards while he waited for his unfinished business too well… finish.  

It was really rather hard being a ghost.  You could only watch TV when someone else was and you could never choose what you wanted to watch.  Jenny was a Soc major which meant she had an affinity for documentaries and crime dramas.  That was okay. For Jenny. Not for Ghost. If Ghost wanted to watch stories about real people it would involve some drink throwing and designer bags.  But alas here he was sitting on the couch next to Jenny.

She was crying again.  Large crocodile tears rolled down her face and Ghost cringed as they went into her bucket of ice cream.  He thinks her boyfriend had dumped her again?  Honestly the first year of college was always so tumultuous for these freshmen.

He could barely remember what his had been like.  It had been so long ago.  And now he was just stuck here.  Haunting this year's freshman.  The reality of college was definitely less exciting than most people thought.

But the thing about Jenny was that she had the loudest dreams. They were vibrant and colorful and sometimes at night he could hear them leaking out of her and becoming real, tangible.  A sound, a smell, even a flickering image would broadcast into the room and ghost would be swept away for a moment. It was a miracle she had a single dorm.

He really really didn’t mean to go inside her head. It really was an accident. But one night, he couldn’t resist the lure of whatever was going on in this sad girl's dream.  

After she’d finished crying and passed out on the couch in a sad lump.  It was almost like a voice was beckoning him to float closer, to peer into her head.  And he leaned closer, trying to hear, and closer still.  And with a whoosh he was sucked in.

A ship was built around him.  Tall billowing sails, swearing pirates, the salt in the air.  He breathed deep with real lungs.  Oh God it was like being alive again.  Ghost looked around the deck and there he saw her.  Crouched in the corner of the ship was Jenny.  Still crying even in her sleep.  Her eyes were closed and it seemed as if she wasn’t aware of where she was.  Critical mean dark words floated around her.  Telling her that she wasn’t good enough.  That she would never be good enough.  That no one would love her.  Ghost sighed.  He supposed if he was going to be an interloper in this girl's inner world the least he could do was try to bring her out of this misery.  He said excuse me to a pirate who was swabbing the deck as he walked towards Jenny.  

He crouched down in front of her laying a hand on her shoulder.

“Hey.”

Jenny’s eyes snapped open.

“You know that this hurt isn’t forever right?  It will pass. And things will get better.”

Jenny’s brow scrunched and a big gust of sea air tossed her hair around her face. “That’s just what everybody says to make losers feel better.”

Ghost sighed and sat down next to her. “Take it from someone who thought that too and then made some very brash decisions.  I’ve watched many young people go through the same stuff as you and guess what?  They all turn out okay.”

“Oh,” Jenny looked off into the sea, staring at a gull gliding in the wind, “Are you like in one of my classes?”

Ghost sighed again. College freshmen were all the same.  He swears there was a script for small talk.  “No, I'm quite literally a ghost who fell into your dream.  Which by the way is great but you’re just pouting in the corner.” He gestures widely at the ship.  “You should be thankful you can dream at all.  Dead people don’t dream.”

Her eyes widened as she looked back at him, “You’re dead?”

“Uh yeah. Sorry for being in your head by the way.”

And then she woke up.  With him still in her head. He could hear her thoughts rattling around. He watched through her eyes as she stared at herself in a mirror, thinking bad thoughts. Stop that.  He chided.

“Oh my God who said that?”

Uh.  Oops? Sorry. I’m still in here.

“Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Get out of my fucking head dude!”

Sorry I don’t know how to do that. While I’m in here I have a couple TV recs for you.

~~~~~~~~

Once her self image gets better he is able to leave her head and his unfinished business of helping somebody like him is finished.  The end. :)

[annefic]

oh by the way I've started reading Spare. Borrowed it from a friend. So far I'm about a quarter of the way through, here are my thoughts:

Interesting that he admits his status as an unreliable narrator more or less from the start. Curious what the other people involved and the objective truth would have to say about some of this stuff

Regardless of what you think of this book overall, if you're a fic writer it's a useful resource for the inside description of the residences alone

Someone please get this man therapy. Where I am in the story it's now been over six years since Diana passed and he's still in the "denial" stage, pretending to himself that she's faked her death to live in hiding from the press. He mentioned being ashamed of crying during the private graveside portion of her funeral because it violated the "family ethos" of controlling emotions

So many unnecessary private/personal details in this regarding people who probably didn't give Harry permission to share them. I did not need to know about the Ludgrove communal penis knowledge. Wild that Chuck does headstands to make his neck feel better, though. They definitely do not have that effect on me

One of the standout lines in this for me so far was Harry saying that both Liz and Chuck had basically never given him a hug. I have a difficult time believing that - particularly considering that in the Coronation Year documentary I just finished watching, Charles, Camilla, and Will and his family all trade hugs and kisses in greeting when they arrive at the rehearsal. If it's not even done in private I doubt they would let it happen in front of the cameras...

There do be some absolute LINES in this

[welcometololaland]

9 people i wanna know better

been putting this off for so long i've forgotten everyone who tagged me i'm so sorry i just know @herefortarlos did because i copied her answers lmao, i think maybe also @theghostofashton @kiwichaeng @reyesstrand and @carlos-tk (thank you desi, neha, evie, maddie and d!). so sorry if i missed anyone!!! i love you!!!

current book you’re reading: i just finished educated by tara westover and i think i'm going to start circe by madeline miller next because @celeritas2997 let me borrow it and i need to give it back :)

last song you listened to: ACTIVATE by COBRAH. obsessseddddddd.

currently watching: i am slowly making my way through a documentary on juul haha.

current fic you’re reading: i'm really behind on fic reading right now. basically my beloved meet you after dark by @strandnreyes and Love From the Other Side by @lightningboltreader which is giving me so much life i can't even explain. i'm also devouring your gentle hands are stained with the blood of anothers by @birdclowns even though i have fear, The Weight of Grief by @wandering-night19 which is just beautiful and Teach You How Forever Feels by @three-drink-amy. ALSO first aid by @heartstringsduet and the band au by @basilsunrise, both of which i'm very lucky to have a doc link for.

On the RWRB side i need to catch up on so much but i just read get fucked (or die trying) by @rmd-writes and i super want to read Take me where I cannot stand by @clottedcreamfudge. ALSO I am yet to read Pour Your (He)art Out by @athousandrooms and Rae's October prompt fill (@iboatedhere).

next on my watch list: i don't really watch TV so instead i'm going to say i'm SUPER looking forward to consuming so much fic - there are some bloody amazing concepts in the works and i've been so lucky to have some creators tease me by dropping little snippets in my inbox (looking @ u @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut, absolutely feral for you). if anyone else wants to do that...be my guest ;) i will scream and cry but really i love you and your teasing. ALSO i'm trying to come up with a chunk of time to dive into Knave 3 by @liminalmemories21 because i know i'm going to be fully obsessed.

current obsession: aside from my hyperfixations which are always on dash i would say pole dancing, bread, my cat (mr potato), perfume and chatting to mutuals on tumblr and discord seriously everyone come and talk to me i love you all.

gonna tag some people i don't think i've spoken to! @inkweedandlizards @girlsnightout304 @walkinginland @bitbybitwrites @lyhrcyrianne @st-elle-ar (i have spoken to you but i love dragging you into things hehe) @happiness-of-the-pursuit @buckybarnesalways and open tag for the last one (say lola sent you ;)

[coldrubies]

Grief cinema

My mom died at the end of 2019, right before lockdown. When covid hit, I was still in a foggy state. My reaction to everything delayed. I am supposed to stay home? Not go outside? Fine! Those were precisely what my plans were for the next mumblemumble years anyway.

My brightest, most vivid memories would have been of the movies that I saw anyway, because movies are special to me and I am always watching them. But the way they informed my grieving process surprised me. One does not necessarily expect, in the moment, for anything to really make it better.

But the day of my mom's death—maybe the day of, maybe the last day that I saw my mom—I watched MIDSOMMAR for the first time. I didn't know the plot and was a little concerned about it but a lot unable to do anything about the way that I felt; the DVD was already in the DVD player, and I knew my mother was dying/dead. Florence Pugh's portrayal of grief was a real gift. I felt held by it. It was miraculous to me, frankly, how much it lifted me into a state of feeling able to engage with what was going on and how I was feeling. There is a rant in me—and it is in there pretty shallow; you can get at it easily—about how acting is a vital service. I feel about actors the way that THE OFFICE's Dwight Schrute feels about his urologist. It is something I cannot do myself all the time, validate my own feelings about life; I need someone to do it for me, and I am grateful.

Also right around the same proximity to my mom's death, I saw the "Original Cast Album: Co-op" episode of DOCUMENTARY NOW! in the midst of watching that season. It was funny, I loved it, it took me out of my troubles, and the milieu was so novel and fascinating to me—this is how a cast recording (something I had never thought about) is/was made?—that I looked up which real documentary the episode was based on.

Before addressing ORIGINAL CAST ALBUM: COMPANY and all it's done for me, a word on Stephen Sondheim:

I will pick up practically any biography of an artist. An all-time choice was the biography of Wendy Wasserstein by Julie Salamon. I didn't know her or her work, and it was such an absorbing book, I think about returning to it all the time. Ditto Michael Schulman's Meryl Streep biography. I love to get a feeling of people in time. The choice to buy Stephen Sondheim's biography was not totally random, but it happened to be on my person when, immediately after my mother's death, I was hit by a car! It wasn't fatal—here I am—it just tipped me over. But I was in a fragile state, I did cry a lot, and I explained to the driver that my mother had just died, and that was why I was crying, and that would be the only reason I cry about anything for a while, regardless of what it seemed like I ought to be crying about. Eventually, I got to a hospital that night to make sure nothing had happened to me, and I was stranded in a room for more than an hour, and all I had was this book about Stephen Sondheim.

I can't remember—I'm sure I could figure it out—whether I had the book before I saw the documentary, whether I'd already seen it by the time I started reading it—but it all feels like it happened more or less at once that I went from not knowing* who Stephen Sondheim was to knowing, you know, the reams of tedious details that a fan knows (how many lines he preferred to have on his yellow legal pads; his go-to chord structure).

As all of this is going on, I've been writing a novel about musicians since 2018, and I made a promise to myself that, once I finished the first draft, I would prioritize learning about music. I never did when I was in school, I always wanted to, and the novel would never be done if I did not understand what my characters are supposed to be doing. I finished the first draft at the very end of 2019, and how fortuitous for this guide to show up, again, more or less all at once (just in time for me to be truly knocked out when he died two years later, more or less exactly from the time of all of this).

The extent to which I've clung to that gift as a life raft during this time is best demonstrated by the fact that, at the end of 2019, I had no knowledge of anything pertaining to music other than liking it, and now I have been composing music since the spring of 2022 (composing was the very long goal, and I still can't get over the fact that I met it). Have I neglected other parts of my life? Big time. But this is still impressive to me considering I would have liked very much to simply pull a blanket over myself and be sad quite ongoingly.

(*- On the subject of "not knowing who Stephen Sondheim was," my only frame of reference was seeing his name in the credits, mostly on item descriptions online, for, like, CDs of the WEST SIDE STORY, INTO THE WOODS, and ASSASSINS cast recordings, all of which I happened to see randomly over the years, but it is the kind of coincidence that would leave one who doesn't know anything about musical theatre to wonder if, maybe, Stephen Sondheim has written every single musical ever.)

Back to the documentary:

Between my discovery of ORIGINAL CAST ALBUM: COMPANY and now, the Criterion Collection has issued an edition of it on DVD and Blu-ray that is beautiful, a dream come true, and it features the DOCUMENTARY NOW! parody episode—magnificent. At the end of 2019, though, my only option for owning it was as a Quicktime file. This is fine—whether or not I have internet access, I have access to ORIGINAL CAST ALBUM: COMPANY.

I have so much to express about ORIGINAL CAST ALBUM: COMPANY, but I will restrict myself only to how it has intermingled with my grieving process. It is, of course, a pleasure to see people lost in work that is demanding but, compared to grieving a loved one's death, a load of cake. In the moment, the first many times I saw it, it came with a fresh, invigorating spray of curiosity-provocation. I love to be curious. Curiosity can do a lot for me. And there is a lot to be curious about for the completely uninitiated when it comes to the byzantine, idiosyncratic, union-forged business practices of Broadway theatre. Knowing how much he loved rules, watching him in this documentary, I am so moved and so happy for Stephen Sondheim that he was from and dwelled in a land that loved rules so much.

I could go on and on and on about how cathartic it is to watch someone be difficult, a ruthless artist, rigid, upholding a high standard as a method of care. I could introduce the subject of Stephen Sondheim and mother issues and we would be here all day. One of the conditions of my loving a thing is that I just go on about it. But when I first saw ORIGINAL CAST ALBUM: COMPANY right around the time that my mother died, the big thing that it did for me was show me, in case I felt like allowing my grief to interfere with my plans, that working on music was going to be good, nice, and right, which in this case were all the same thing.

It's been comforting to rewatch MIDSOMMAR since the end of 2019 and, to be honest with you, I rewatch ORIGINAL CAST ALBUM: COMPANY on a basis so routine that, on second thought, to be honest with you about it would embarrass me too greatly, but the other movie that did something for me in the bewildering swirl that was right-around-the-time-my-mother died, maybe the day it happened, isn't one I revisit, but it is worth noting. I was not going to prepare any food that day, which I barely incentivize myself to do when I'm not pulverized by the cruelty of fate, so I bought, I think, a poké bowl (spicy tuna, etc.) and a Mediterranean-style grain bowl (ancient grains, spicy feta cheese, etc.), and ate them both promptly and simultaneously. I felt sick. I could not do anything lest I risk throwing up. I watched SPACE JAM (I did not throw up! A small miracle).

I am I-saw-SPACE-JAM-in-the-theatre-and-it-was-age-appropriate years old. The soundtrack was a presence in my home. I have no tender feelings about it, but, watching it for the first time as an adult, its ludicrousness did completely take me out of what was happening to my soul and body. That's not nothing!

Maybe more happened then and it isn't coming to me now, but this is how I remember it.

[redhatmeg]

Okay, so... Henry Blake's final episode...

I need to start with the fact that my first encounters with M*A*S*H* happened when I was in kindergarten/elementary school. Back then I happened to catch some episodes on TV, but since they were broadcasted late at night, I was falling asleep after ten or so minutes.

Either way, back then I remembered that there was Radar (he's imprinted into my memory the most, for some reason), Hawkeye, Klinger, Burns, Houlihan, Hunnicut and Potter. I had vague idea who was who there.

Fastforward to my middle school and some Polish TV station broadcasts reruns of M*A*S*H* and I'm like: "Cool! I remember liked it. It can be fun!"... But in the first episode I watched I was a little bit confused, because instead of Sherman Potter and BJ Hunnicut, I saw Henry Blake and Trapper. Did I remember it wrong? What happened to the white-haired dude? Why Hawkeye's roommate has this annoying laugh?

Frankly, I found Blake boring and I guess it was partly because I was so fond of Potter. Then this finale happened and back then the scene when Radar comes into OR and breaks the news to others, I thought it was poignient and cool scene, characteristic for this show.

But some time after the TV station finished broadcasting M*A*S*H*, they showed a documentary that I guess was made for the show's anniversary? Either way, they talked extensively about the history of the show and about the most prominent episodes, among which there was Abyssinia, Henry and the final scene. That was the first time when I learned about the method acting, especially about not revealing certain information to the actors to bring up genuine emotions from them. Now we are used to hearing stories about actors playing in the dark, but in this case it was somewhat justified - the actors didn't know about the twist for most of the episode, when Blake was saying goodbye to everybody; and before the big reveal they were told about the twist to prepare themselves for final scene.

Anyway, how do I see it now, when I've got to spend three seasons with Henry Blake?

I still prefer Potter, if only because he seems more effective and doesn't cheat on his wife (as far as I remember). In fact, Blake and Trapper having affairs with nurses left bad taste in my mouth and made me a little less sympathetic towards them from the start. However, both of them have more tender and likeable moments throughout the series, especially when their families are considered. In stark contrast to Burns, often the way Blake and Trapper were talknig about their wives and kids, indicated that they actually do love and miss them.

Blake is more or less a reasonable authority figure. He's not exactly in charge most of the time, but he seem to understand some things about how world works and that he shouldn't be completely by-the-book, if he wants his hospital to be efficient. But there are times when he's too lenient, especially when Hawkeye and Trapper are harrassing major Houlihan. In fact, I can totally understand Margaret's frustration with how Blake doesn't do much to support her authority as a head nurse.

There were moments during this finale, when I felt a little sad, because I knew that Henry is going to die and almost everybody in the 4077th loved this man deeply. I wasn't crying for him, but I was close to it.

So all in all, I don't see Henry Blake as bad character, but I'm glad we're getting to the episodes with colonel Potter and his horse-loving, amateur painting glory.

[pbandjesse]

Today was another very grey day. But it was also a nice day. I was to cold but I still had a nice time.

I had a lot of trouble falling asleep. I was up until at least 2. Which I did not enjoy. And then I had intense dreams that were to realistic and confusing. So I woke up in a weird head space.

But when I woke up I was determined to do the things I had promised myself I would do.

I went and got washed and dressed. And then I striped the bed and changed the sheets. Tried to make the space nice.

I did some dusting. And then vacuumed. I was a little frustrated with our vacuum and felt like to wasn't working as well as it should. But I did my best.

James had gone out this morning and put gas in the car and gotten me a bagel. Love them so much. I had my bagel and shared some cream cheese with sweetp.

I had checked on the mice first thing and they were crispy again. I swear I have washed them like 4 separate times today. They just keep standing in the milk!! Stop that! I'm going to start introducing some fruits and veggies. Try to start weaning them off the milk. I am worried about them still. But they seem strong right now. I changed the towels in there again. Trying to do that plenty since they keep getting the milk in everything and I don't like the smell. But I think they are going pretty good.

I would work on some knitting. And by the end of the day today I had finished all the squares I needed!! I changed the layout a little to be 6x6 instead of 5x8 and so I have some extra squares but I think it will look really nice. And I'm just thrilled.

This morning though I would only have time to make one and start a second. I laid out all the pieces so I could come back later and pin them (which James was lovely enough to do for me), but I felt super proud of the progress.

I also watched a documentary this morning about how dangerous duck boats are. I don't know if I had ever been in one as a child but I know I haven't as an adult. Which is shocking because I love being on boats. But they just seems so sketchy and now I know I was right to be concerned. Wildly dangerous.

Once my doc was over I headed to awah.

The parking pad is still being worked on so I had to park up the hill. But I was still there before 1230. When I came inside I was surprised to see Zoe and Naomi had beaten me. And apparently Naomi called me s few minutes before. I was like. Guys. I told you I will be there at 1230. No rushing me.

But we got inside and got things set up. Zoe and me took the sign outside and it got rained on so it bubbled up and looked very strange. Plus the arrow was pointing the wrong way. Oops. I had Zoe draw a new arrow on a piece of paper and stick it on there.

It was a fun class though. Water color paintings based on Alma Thomas. I was pleased to see Ireland and Naomi, student Naomi not assistant Naomi, and Jasmine. Everyone seemed to really like the project. We did have a new student who couldn't handle having art not on a school day and cursed and yelled a lot which freaked a few of the sensory sensitive kids out. Mom took him out and I felt bad. But I felt worse when I saw that Mary Ellen was crying a little. She said it reminded her of when her daughter was younger and how sometimes they just couldn't do things because it was a change of schedule and it wasn't something she could handle. You make life work the best you can but you really never know what life will hand you.

The adult class was really chill. Ari was funny and kept telling us how appropriate he was being. And apparently if he continues to be appropriate he gets to earn going to the thrift store to buy a book under $5. Which I was like. Oh dang I was to go to the thrift store too. So now we have that in common. It is always fun to find things in common with the people in my classes.

Zoe had to leave a bit early. But that was fine. Me and Naomi, with the help of Ari, Richard, and Lewis, got everything picked up. Lewis seemed to be in an amazing mood today and he spoke to me for basically the first time when he asked me to help him rubber band a deck of cards back together. And at the end he told me adios and wouldn't leave until I said it back. It was very sweet.

Once everyone was picked up Ari helped me bring our sign in after his dad told him to carry it for me. I think I alarmed the building correctly. And then it was time to go.

The walk up the hill was a little tough today. I was a little shaky cause I was hungry. But I got up there and wrote my notes and headed out.

I forgot artscape was still happening today. So I went the wrong way and had to go up and around to get to north avenue to go home. It took almost 20 minutes. It is normally a 6 minute drive. Very frustrated but I survived. And was home around 330.

When I got back here I checked on the mice and cleaned them up again. I changed and got on the cought to keep knitting. I would finished the last two squares by 515. I was thrilled.

James came home in that time too. And we decided to go to Golden West for dinner once I was done my second, and final, square.

Once I was done that we had a little celebration cheer and I got changed before we left.

And Golden West was fun but I didn't love my sandwich. I feel like.my taste buds have been weird the last couple days. Like everything tastes to much. Everything is bitter or overly sweet or just to strong. And they didn't have the vegetarian chicken I wanted so I got a vegan BLT which was fine but I really wanted something warm. And while our server was super nice and funny, he was also on his 3rd day every working there as a server and all of our food came out at wildly different times. Like I had eaten half of my sandwich befoee James got their tacos. James eats so fast so they still finished before me but that was crazy to me they would bring them out like that.

I enjoyed my fries and soda though. And they even brought me a tiny carafe of diet coke to refill my cup. I did not need a refill but then I felt wasteful so I drank more and gave myself a stitch in my side. Ah well. I still had a nice dinner with James. We talked about Christmas. And how we are going to do each other's stockings this year because we are our own nuclear family now. I also think it will be better. Special. More intimate you know ? Especially if we are thinking about trying for a baby now, it may be one of our last ones just us. And when baby gets here it will be more about them, so we should cherish this time in our lives before it changes again.

James was all high kicks and being silly on the way home. And when we got here we came inside and they worked on pinning my squares because they are an angel. While I cleaned duo the mice again!! Stop standing in the milk!!

Once James pinned everything I spent almost 2 hours sewing. And I have 4 of the 6 rows done already. So being done before the end of the week does not feel farfetched. Which feels really nice.

Once I was at a good stopping point I went and took a shower and now me and James are in bed. They are mostly asleep already. I'm only a little jealous they fall asleep so fast. But their sleep is not great still. I wish we both could get better rest. At least we are together.

I don't know what tomorrow will hold. I'm looking forward to a nice day off. I hope you all have a good day. Sleep well. Until next time!