#i find myself self conscious when giving advice as i feel i dont word things right

[aplatonic-stuff]

I've always been intrigued by the term Aplatonic. It fits me, even as an acearo. But it's always associated with trauma. I look up the definition and it's all about "traumatized aros".

It just kind of sucks y'know? One, for those who aren't traumatized, and 2, I am traumatized.

Am I actually aplatonic? Is it only real because I'm traumatized? Will I ever love someone at all? Do I just keep hanging on?

I never wanted sexual or romantic attraction, but I want deep meaningful friendships at the very least. It just feels...wrong, I guess? To be alone. That I'm like, missing out?

Idk. It's tough being loveless sometimes.

yeah, aplatonic if often times viewed as intertwined with trauma, despite the fact it isnt inherently so. for many individuals, their aplatonicism is intertwined with their trauma, but the aplatonic experience is so varied it sucks to be tied to only one kind it also isnt exclusive to aros, in fact it was first coined by an alloromantic person. so overall, the ‘traumatized aro’ connection with aplatonicism, while true for some, shouldnt be applied to all

but even if youre only aplatonic because youre traumatized, that doesnt make it any less real. identity is a complex experience, for many it is influenced by other experiences, and thats just as valid as those who are the way they are inherently. i have been aplatonic my whole life, and i dont have any trauma affecting my identity, but that doesnt make me any more real of an apl than you. identity formed or influenced by trauma is just as real and valid as those that arent

there is a chance you may someday love someone, but theres also a chance you wont. regardless, i personally dont see the point in just hanging on. you exist as you are now, whether or not you will change in the future shouldnt restrict you from anything now. if you feel aplatonic is helpful to you, i encourage you to try to discard the thought of the future, and try whats helpful now. this isnt a choice where theres no going back, so theres no reason to worry about what may happen in the future. if something changes in the future, you can adjust your labels to match. but until then, its okay match your labels to how you are now

plenty of aplatonic people still have friendships, and plenty still desire them. its okay to want friendships, a deep meaningful friendship doesnt contradict with an aplatonic identity, its a matter of action as opposed to attraction but its also okay to not want that. i have definitely experienced that feeling of missing out. like if not romance or sex, i should at least want friendship. that thought is so deeply ingrained that its hard to determine what i truly want. do i want friends? or do i just feel i need them? it can be hard to tell

but it is your own life, your own experience. its okay to be alone, and to want that. theres no right way to live your life, and theres nothing to get wrong. youre not missing out by just being different. everyone fills their lives with different things. i dont think i could live a fulfilled life without drawing, but im not going to say that people who dont draw are missing out, not nearly. its something that fills my life, something that is entirely unimportant to others. and i find that wonderful, the differences between people. for some, life without friendships is lonely, for some, life with friendships stifling. neither is any less of a valid experience.

i find it hard to put thoughts into words, and this is a bit rambley, but i hope its at least a bit helpful ive previously made two posts on a similar topic to those last two paragraphs, perhaps youll find those helpful

[throwaway-yandere]

List of Yan!Idol Event Producers/Assistants:

This will be frequently updated! I'm not posting all anons at once, but I'll spoil the first five who guaranteed a spot: 🕯️ anon, bao bei anon, 🐠 anon, 🕊️ anon, and 🦊 anon!

Producer Lumine: if you sent your request on my inbox and NOT the google forms link as instructed in the guidelines, I'll ignore it. I'm sorry, but Madam Alice will literally blow me up if we hired you without going through her "interview" process.

-----

Dandelion anon: "I'd like to think that my strengths come from my ability to read the room and consider the feelings of everyone whilst still using logic (and not letting it cloud me, so you can call me balanced?). I've been told that I naturally exude a comforting aura and it makes others feel safe around me! I am also quite affectionate and loves to dote on those I love. As for weaknesses, I tend to find more stability in planning, so I may lack a bit in the spontaneity department (but I'd be willing to be more spontaneous with someone who brings out that side of me). I also tend to give advices to others, but struggle to practice them myself at times T-T"

Lumine's notes: "smarter than average, plays a sport/knows martial arts, fond of cleaning". Alright then, you're Heizou's producer. Can't say you can get used to his "spontaneity" quickly... I'm sorry for that.

"Esther" anon: I like jazz music. I dont like rap, but i can appreciate a good melody. I especially like rock, rnb and some pop, specifically the ones with angsty breakup songs as the main point. I like to draw, especially the eyes and the hands. You’d be surprised how much personality is in those. Dont give me that look. I dont have a fetish. I really, really like the sun. I dont like cold weather. But i have this…thing where i drink the coffee in the afternoon, and eat popsicles when it rains. It gives off that…synergy, y’know. Also hot soups best meal ever. Mushroom soup beloved like HHHHH

Lumine's notes: "nosy, likes angst, does theater/spoken word" Hmm... I think you'd do fine with Mister Alberich... I think he'd be quite fond of you.

🕊️ anon: My main personality traits are that I am loud, bubbly, enthusiastic, energetic, easygoing and very kind! My friends always praise my intuition and are always amazed at how I am able to tell what they're feeling - they can never fool me! For my worst personality traits I'd definitely say that I'm really lazy and leave everything in the last minute and that I can get really sensitive sometimes. I'm also very self conscious of how I look which isn't good because I always end up downplaying myself in one way or the other. I can also be VERY scatterbrained, no seriously, it's amazing and kind of pathetic at how easily I forget things... I love history, mythologies and fairy tales, reading manga and watching anime, being with friends!!

Lumine's notes: "well put-together, into soft yanderes, laughs a lot, 'nosy'," amongst other things– *sigh* why am I even evaluating this? This is Diluc's producer.

Snailnom: I may have issues with vulnerability, empathy, and may be extremely touchy, but I'm the best person to be around when you're feeling down. I'll give great distractions and I'm always willing to talk! I'm just fantastic! And that's not the ego talking since I am also the most humble person ever! I am literally perfect! In everyway. I put my all into everything I care about! Which is.. unfortunately, not much outside of friendships. I have bits of trust issues, but that’s not a problem, since you can trust me! Totally! I am your friend and DEFINITELY not an enabler first, friend second. I would do petty crimes with you! I would go wild! I will eat a grape off the floor! Go apeshit! Do no harm!! I'm also a cheapskate, I'd prefer gifts you'd find down the street: like a piece of shiny glass, a smooth rock, a blade of grass, literally anything but something that could cause money! But uhoh! That might have been a lie! Not a complete one though, never those, after all.. The best lies have bits of truth in it! I do like gifts you'd find on the street, but I do like things you spend money on. Ehehehehehehe~ I am both cautious and reckless. I will jump headfirst off a (reasonable) height with no hesitation while be too scared to go down a crowded road by myself. Speaking of doing things by myself, I don't like doing that, and would love to do things with a friend if possible. I love the simple things... Like world domination and trying to eat an entire bag of fries in a few seconds. Ah, the good life is my life.

Lumine's notes: Pfft– haha! I don't even wanna read the rest. I just wanna see you produce Itto. (ps: you definitely got this job because of your energy. Even your other answers solidified it. This is fate–)

Fox: Strengths - Patient, persistent, responsible, witty, loyal and kind Weaknesses - Cautious, sensitive, very serious, low confidence/self worth and indecisive. Interests - gaming, drawing, thought proving exchanges with friends, watching youtube videos, travelling, and eating good food. First appearances: I’m probably one of the most god awkward and reserved people you will ever meet. I will give close answers and forgot how to function out of shock. Despite a million thoughts going on in my brain. But aside from that I’m a pretty chill person from what my friends tell me and can be mysterious, unpredictable at times. Have a huge sweet tooth for sweets and snacks an awful lot. My mind is logical but chaotic at the same time wanting to multitask through 5 other things trying to be efficient as possible. But even then mid way I probably get distracted by something else not even related to the tasks I was doing in the first place.

Lumine's note: I hesitated on whether or not Mister Kamisato gets with Fox because they're compatible or with Producer Hundred for the chaos... But there's just no way I'm robbing Mister Kamisato a chance of a great work partner given how overworked he is. Fox's a smart person, I think Ayato would grow fond of them in due time. He does have a thing for dogs, after all...

=============

mei ✾: i'm creative but also logical. normally very easygoing but serious about my job. i have a lot of love to give! i tend to express my love with physical touch and quality time. i dislike confrontations and will try to avoid it at all costs. i'm shy and find it difficult to talk with strangers (although i do a 180 once i'm comfortable with someone) i'm bad at keeping up communications because 1) i always feel that i'm bothering people or 2) some days i just don't have the energy for it. i struggle a lot with body image especially for myself. - taste in music: i love everything tbh! from pop to kpop to country to cpop to game osts, as long as i like how it sounds, i add it to my playlist haha

Alhaitham's voicemail: "I hired them because they have a neat handwriting. That's all. What? "I don't believe you"...? F-Fine. I hired them because I knew them from before. They're incredibly smart, logical, great at math, and a realist. That's all you need to know."

Solitary anon: My strengths? Probably communications and creativity. I've met loads of people in the past so I'm able to adjust myself to everyone around me. I like to create a balance and it often results with me being the 'trustworthy' or 'reliable' friend. But as I get more comfortable around people, I get a bit more talkative and my humour starts to shine through, My weaknesses is probably the fact that I adjust myself to everyone around me (its a strength and a weakness). I have the constant need to be perfect, to be liked, and I know it's damn impossible to be like that - but I still try. So I end up being pushed over easily and social gatherings exhaust me (as much as I like them,) I really like to write and do art! It's one of my outlets and I've been enjoying it ever since I was younger. I write my own novels aside from fanfiction and I even drew comics! I'm pretty smart but too lazy to study much (unless I like it). My absolute favorite color is blue (im like a moth and blue is my light). I love to game and I also like to listen to music. My style is dark academia and Idk what more to say?

Cyno's voicemail: "Tighnari, I met someone who can understand me. They like dogs. Hmm? Oh. They also like dark academia, tabletop games, a realist-- You're not interested?... Understood."

Bakery anon: "I’m a bit of a bookworm (I own atleast 14 poetry books and..more other books) however I also am quite fond of baking! Though aside from that I’m described as motherly and loyal by my friends."

Dottore's coffee-table book record: "Smart and creative. A perfectly fine mindset, can certainly handle others, a creative– an asset that can be used as a clean-up slave... Hmm, this specimen will prove to be most useful."

[triumphorce]

                   under stars that feel as far as

                               real does..

at the moment.

at any moment..

kidnap me.

any chance presented  

& in moments prior.

spent alone

in 

zone.

far from progress.

stasis,

stationed next to

hope & regret.

on either side.

stamina. breathe now

to breathe more.

no free will.

i got to survive.

i got to make it,

especially if i just change aim

change rim-height,

relate with reality

change chin height,

keep head up,

lower expectations

keep pen up.

can’t make shit up,

so i make this shit up

dig deep, drain soon as i wake up

from sleep, or conscious nap..

break up

buildup

of words

that

feel

like

millions.

euphoric

ultimatum;

write,

or just

waste.

can’t wait

to post, create.

post haste

long ass roads that really dont have

an end, or means to.

I just become more of

whatever comes;

whatever emotions

i allow;

however

i react;

to

whoever,wherever,

when tf ever

‘cause all i am

is now, here.

a little more conscious..

that’s it.

&the more i remember,

the more i forget.

gotta pick and choose.

careful.

careful, please.

carefully

 cut ties, choose way

‘cause by the time it's time to remember

new knew's

once was' just can’t keep up

and i accidentally

delete something

important,

or distort it..

gotta

slow down

life...

ssssshhheesh

i once was in less pieces,

&I at least, once, knew peace, but didn’t know it,

more than likely still do

staring at sky blue.

so blue..

eyes find it soothes

waiting on.

bus late.

contemplating, mind rages

sea

lost in deep

hue pool

sharp, wind wrapping body.

waitin on,

waiting on.

contemplating. gone.

daydreamin way thru life.

thru the little things

i always belittled.

cause I thought I had what i needed. or what I had was mine to keep.

...just because.

i need a little more somethin

a little more new, more original stop cliches, tropes,& archetypes in general

droll,

repetition equals learning, well i'll just lurn-less

beg to differ, by beggin questions, even when forced to tread slow,&only do so in head.

we’re all middlemen.

just fiddlin’

‘round in world,

in universe,

riddled withh riddles,

that

trickle,

drip

in

complex

descent

from cognitive

  beginnings.

ephemeral glimpses of outside-nighttime-world,

through blinds in bed, as a child to now, still just as far from.

as far as real feels.

feelin nothing like how I do now.

but pain passes,

so it just must be my brain's capacity for trust shrank. & elaborates time taken for to cross neural pathways,

not get lost, and make it back safe save, all at the same time, while i attempt to ignore age

pay mind solely to the idea i can do, &I don't have to prove.

to become honest, so potential growth is optimum to be one with me, and know I can't ever be anything but and no idea is ever done, no matter finished, no grey matter greyer, no more dr. bender's, no more directions, no more winners, reflect on self, &what it means-to be better, i deflect defects w/ skylark teeth,  

a truer sense of.. truth

a higher level basic

newfound fundamentals

that all the world and creation in it,

then, now, or later

are truly small

&

no life was ever finished

nobody wants to give it up,but we learn to

and as a consequence return to world what we wish to see beyond our existence

to find trust again love again feel again believe again hurry up, clock's tickin

get it, grind look and find get inspired go inspire go perspire run a mile two three four

five seconds six seconds

gotta go for it gotta get better, 

 never listen only instrumentalz for me

in a room   aspire to be able to define my every rhyme and reason behind thoughts had,

itchin to stay consistent, keep on writing and don't worry about why, keep on filing tomes of dreams, ordering guides to self, from one idea to a whole library of shit I did,

 like,

"oh, damn kid, you wrote that?"

damn right I did.

conversations that I have in my head

while I reread pieces

an elixir, a pensive remedy

for when I feel reluctant toward

reality, when in reality

it's really just the people around me that I trusted, busted ass for, gave up past for filled up gigabytes, sticky notes, notepads for designed a whole world for,

put off parties, friends, a part of me I never gave a chance for. became an outcast for. put on mask for.

to be compared and not contrasted warned and not encouraged critiqued but not heard

made me want

to tell, create a story and not give a damn about glory.

although i worry how i come off..sometimes..

made me

change style time after time for some time, now..

made me have

to boost own confidence, own own ego; inflate like raft, & float to shore,

common ground with action &

focused on

how I'm amounting in life.

..apparently

im just climbing up invisible

mountains

but i don't let it make or break me,

used to,

but no more ,& nowit's just me.

&that's just crazy..

so im focused

on how im a mountain lion to moles tryna troll, but       most the time, tho                    I'm...focused on settling score with where               I've failed

& failed to respond to failure well

                                    let go

of initiative,   hung to anger

in orbit  around regret towards doors left unopened, words unspoken to people gone, that could've changed life, if only They could hear these thoughts.. if only I had someone to talk to besides myself, & people that talk to high-five themselves; given approval never sought, advice for battles never fought, in a room for most of youth, stuck in head, so much to see, explore lore of stories never written, so much done even before i decided to pick pen up, before i decided I was ready for commitment decisions in head turn to an every 5 minute thing,

                  stuck in holes    deeper than before

tell-tale signs around sub-subconscious                         that Im chasin nothin..

apparitions..

in front of people

waitin somethin fierce

for me to

summon what's already there

a mirror image of miracle from thinnest air from holes put in life for pride in pages of jumbled thoughts gaps in memories for drafts that define ironic, describing fine lines I believe are there, in thinnest mirror, between me and experience in eyes that remind me i am less, i am more i am worse, i am better everything in between all and nothing, not objective, but an object capable of observation, own purpose assigned no more worth than yours, no more than I have dealt my self chances missed to live for product tossed or lost in the end

x's & lines through a mind confused,              backspaces                       scribbles       procrastinating daily, delaying the inevitable,                                           staring at.. ...coffee steam            and letters linked in ink curves and ink in nerves

        on nights only sleep's deferred as vivid as yesterdays and scenes in head of tomorrows            mixed in with skips in consciousness     obvious options almost always missed second guesses linger in gut like wtf

what the fuck am i doing everyday, if I don't contribute to future

to believe, or not to believe i was in control of will was the whole problem let go of all it hone on goals. fly low, that is...

as far a stretch as breath of desire to contribute to the world   believing if chance exists, i will succeed I will fulfill promises thru notepads & audience

a caged bird singing

do or do not.

seems all I've done is try, it seems to try isnt good enough, seems what they want from me wasn't what I was told they want, which is for me to want from me & instead what they want to see is what they want to see

me to become this and not my own, no matter how many hours spent, no matter the font, text, or etiquette formed to gain attention, but apparently a proper use of improper use of prose prospered overtime & i kept my posture, keep me from losing self, going crazy, letting people make me think something's not okay, or wrong with me, or out of whack off top, not taken seriously

priorities of the majority of society made it difficult to captivate eyes, and garner respect, because of conflictive internal contradictions to set out for what I thought was spreading message, but was embedding judgment of self, & effort, looking at motives that been made a home in heart like they suspect, but they was who fucked with me when I wouldn't even fuck with me, wanna be someone else, something else, like what you want clave?

to wait for mine..

psh, nnn’eh, thinking I was good enough to be taken seriously ..

thinking there was nothing to do, but to do, but something changed course, one day,

 one day atta time

thinking that I was right behind, could just lift up arm and touch but that wasn't the case, ever, constant race

     couldn't hold on, couldn't hide the pain to psyche out greatest opponent, me

                   didn't want to, saw no point

   repeating and repeating, over and again

so on and so forth, thus forth destroying self                               convinced I couldn't help it      and still am

and still can't

accept I ever gave in,   broke under pressure, buckled under what some would chuckle over, no pity, just recognition of jimity's petition to push when pushed, with thoughts into written gale force, in a position to always hope, so when foundation crumbles, there's another one up under

if not, I use earth to wander.

whether with excess of momentum or subsiding in subtle realization of sustenance behind life's work

purpose on course set to find reward I'm told I'm looking for..

fin

[s-nnyd]

for the pride month asks: all of them babey

 🌈 - what’s your orientation and gender?

bi and currently figuring for non-binary

🌹- what would be your ideal date?

Bro mcfuckin aight i highkey love all of the most cheesy cliche date ideas like going to the pier in santa monica or even going to an aquarium like i love that shit

💘 - what personality traits are attractive to you?

mann personality traits? im ngl like what i’ve seen pretty consistently among all my crushes is that they’ve all got really good heads on their shoulders theyre usually the type of person who is really open minded and conscious of change but is way more self-aware and keeps peace with most others they themselves keep judgement to a minimum but speak their words and opinions especially cause they care so much about others some might say they act mature for their age but i mean like its the seriousness of them the kindness and the care they put for others and the mindfulness they have just makes things so much more

💋 - what do you find physically attractive?

oh fuck man like god damn back muscles like fuck oh shit man also i realized that i like my girls with short hair my guys with long hair and my nbs with variety but all of them have hella nice eyebrows oh shit man my dude fuck

🐻 - what is your favourite animal?

LIONS I FUCKING LOVE THEM I LVOE THE ABSOLUTE SHIT OUT OF LIONS LIKE YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I LOVE LIONS LIKE MY HEART DOES A LIL SQUEEZE EVERY TIME I SEE ONE AND THEN WHEN I SEE ONE IN PERSON I GET REALLY GIDDY I REALLY LOVE LIONS LIKE ITS JUST A NATURAL LOVE FOR THEM

💭 - when did you realise you were lgbt?

lmao when i had a crush on three people all at once during middle school like i never had a crush before and what not so i was like lmao maybe i just dont like people in general and then it got to a point where i had these specific thoughts: “man i just wow youre so pretty and really cute and super hot wow oh fuck dont do that- oh okay youre gonna- wow okay shit dont smile- oh god im gonna die fuck youre just such a great person and the things you do wow” and i thought that basically translated to me really and i mean really really wanting to be friends with them like my god my idiot ass and so i had a crush on these two girls “A” and “J” and this one guy “A” and they were all pretty spread out on campus and there was at least one in all of my classes so i was straight up dead most of the time

eventually my dumb ass was like ooooOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH fuck

💌 - what makes your heart melt?

yo what makes my heart melt is when it comes to the person i really like like when i hear their laugh not the one that they do cause thats what the social cue calls for or because they thought it was pretty funny like yeah i love those laughs i love them to bits but the ones that i love the most are the ones that catch them off guard make them burst out with laughter then with a quick hand to the mouth and a turn away to try to hide that they were laughing to act like they werent paying attention to what you said what makes my heart melt is when theres a genuine smile on their face one that isnt just for family or friends not just one thats to display to the public on purpose its the smile that sort of makes its way onto their face when they least realize it the one that makes their face look so gentle and soft in that moment the smile that shows a state of being that is in peace one that conveys heartfelt happiness at the realization of the moment at hand what makes my heart melt is when they talk about the things that are important to them the little things and the big things things that just sort of spill out cause its just that important and it makes them so genuinely happy or so genuinely excited what makes my heart melt is when i look into their eyes when theyre talking to me not necessarily on a very specifically good or bad day just on a day when were talking together and i just end up sort of looking into their eyes and i realize what a pretty color i find myself staring at its when they smile that their eyes crinkle a little bit at the corners that when they try to not to laugh something most others would consider stupid but they cant hold back that you realize that one bottom eyelid closes a bit faster than the other and the color of their eyes changes a bit its when you see the little lines of black and the light lines of green in their eyes its when you see the variation of color in their eyes that makes their eyes their own that makes my heart melt

these are the things that make my heart melt

🎤 - do you have a favourite lgbt song?

oof uhh favorite? i mean first thing that comes to mind is a bunch of hayley kiyoko songs like specifically gravel to tempo cause damn headphones girl but also feelings cause relatable

🍀 - what’s your fav thing abt being lgbt?

ugh fuck girls like just damn i love em guys too fuck other nbs too shit man like i just i dunno i think what i love is that its fucking confirmed that i am allowed to give my love to so many more people like shit my dude theres so much i wanna give to so many people and just having that be a part of my life makes me really happy

🌠 - advice for young lgbt people?

mmf my dude like relax there’s a lot of labels out there, not just with how you identify yourself for who you love and who you are with other things too, but i think the things you should focus on is “do you like a certain person?” okay then cool you like that person “how do they identify themselves?” okay then you like people who identify similarly “how do you yourself identify?” okay cool then thats what you are 

if it takes you time to figure it out to feel at peace with yourself like then thats all good let it happen think about it but like no one can really decide who you are and what you are besides you

and so in regards to other people they cant tell you whats right or wrong they really have no say over that they dont but also neither do you so in regards to others just keep your peace with them if someone identifies a certain way no matter what you better keep peace even if you dont believe them just respect how they choose to identify and if you cant do that then walk the fuck away same thing goes for you as an individual if another does that to you just walk away

there will be people who are ignorant there will be people who come across as being more aggressive there will be people who seem to not completely understand everything but again keep your peace and be willing to teach people

☁️ - where do you see yourself in 5 years?

oof man like im not really all that sure like id like to say id be in an apartment and maybe with a nice decked out place with all my art that ive made plastered on my walls and id be living with my s/o but i mean i wonder if that last part’d happen ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but its whatever if it happens then it happens if it dont it dont but im pretty damn sure of myself that ill be in a better place i know it

[innie-s]

of mental health visibility

As I’m sitting here in a nice apartment, fresh out of a shower with my hair clean and a face mask on, hot coffee in hands feeling content in my life, it almost seems impossible that only six months ago I was a crying ball of sadness lying on the floor and thinking of ending this misery… It almost seems like a dream I had, that it never happened. But it isn’t and it did. That’s how depression works.

I never though I’d be sharing this online (in this manner), you see, so please excuse a bit of awkwardness. I’ve always been rather open about my mental health state, never really tried to hide it, and yet not many people know or realise. I’d blame that on them not being educated enough but that’s not the problem either, I think. The cause of that lies in a much deeper issue – and that is the invisibility.

You see, there’s one thing to say “I’m ill.” while coughing your lungs up or having a broken leg, and quite another to say “I’m ill.” while smiling and generally showing no symptoms of any discomfort. The invisibility of mental illness isn’t always a bad thing, sure, but it is a bit inconvenient when you need special treatment and people simply don’t believe you. You would never question a physically disabled person needing help up the stairs, but when a person who seems completely okay tells you they cannot do a task because they feel terrible, you’d think them lazy or looking for excuses. Oh, how many times have I heard “Just start – that’s the most difficult thing, from there it’ll flow.” Oh yes. If I could only start. For you, as a neurotypical, having difficulties starting might mean that you have to give yourself a little push or simply sit down and do the thing. For me, it means overcoming five different weights holding me down while constantly hating myself for being like this because look at them, they can do it, why can’t I? It’s sitting down in front of my computer with my thesis open and watching it with dread while shaking and crying because I would love to write the thing that’s been sitting in my head for days now but not being able to. There’s a chain on my hands and they just won’t move, no matter how much I tell them to. My head is spinning a little and the words don’t make sense. It’s finally giving up and starting a new episode of that TV show I was watching or scrolling tumblr until I get to my own posts from the day before. I call that procrastination but it’s so much more, really. It isn’t just putting work off until the last moment, it’s also hating yourself for it more and more every day while being physically unable to do it.

We all understand and accept that the society has a bit of a problem accepting mental illness. We all know that it’s still a bit of a taboo, and although it is spread quite wide we still seem to think that it either doesn’t exist or that it only exists in the most escalated forms of “crazy people who belong to a mad house”. This has been changin lately, for which I am gratefull, but the outcome has been confusing to say the least. Neurotypical adults call their children lazy while completely overlooking symptoms of depression or labeling them as a typical pubescent behaviour (When did it become normal for every other 13-year-old to have cuts up their arms and down their legs? When did it become typical for primary school children to starve themselves because of forced body images? When did it become common to oversleep and romantic to be sad all the time?), we have been called adicted to the internet by people who don’t feel that the only way to express themselves and feel accepted and loved is via internet friendships with people who go through similar things every day. We have been told “It’s going to be alright.” by people who refuse to listen to us and help.

I don’t think our parents understand that when you condition us into thinking there’s something wrong with us, it will stick. I don’t think our teachers understand that calling us lazy or stupid will only ever make us believe we really are. I don’t think adults realise that when they dismiss our symptoms we will grow up thinking we really aren’t ill. There’s nothing wrong with us. We are not lazy and we are not stupid. We are ill. And in many cases we battle that illness without any help, support or guidance and sometimes we lose. Sometimes it’s just too much to deal with and we don’t have the strength to do it. And afterwards adults will say “Such a shame!”, “What a brilliand mind that was.”, “Such potential in that young person.”, and “Didn’t they know they were loved?”.

Now I myself am an adult and rather educated one as well. I can’t say I’ve never dismissed mental illness. I can’t say I came to my knowledge because I cared about others so much I started learning. I wasn’t born educated on the matter and I had to go through some pretty bad experiences myself to even start considering mental illness as a real threat.  I’ve only come to terms with my own issues 4 years ago when they became big enough for me to actually consider therapy. At that time I knew nothing and it took me a bit to overcome the way I was thinking of mental health issues and accept that I might be one of “those people” as I used to think about them (us). It took me quite some time to battle my own prejudice towards the idea of being mentally ill and I still haven’t made my peace with it completely. And still as I face a task I simply cannot do, I question myself. Am I being lazy right now? Do I actually need help with this or am I just calling for attention? Am I being stupid right now? Isn’t it just that I’m incapable/not clever enough/not strong enough to do this thing? I don’t think I’ll ever overcome this need to be “normal” and to prove that I don’t have this limitation.

Many people have suggested therapy to me. And I have suggested therapy for many people myself. I believe therapy can be a very helpful thing. Yet I never went myself and I’ve been called a hypocrite for it. My deal with therapy is simple – will it help a person who is open about their problems, doesn’t bottle them inside, is honest to themselves even if the truth is sometimes uncomfortable and has trust issues the size of the sun? What can therapy of a self-conscious person do – will it help me if I dont need to talk about it (I vent to friends/the internet therefore I dont need any other person listening to me) and dont need advice (I know what to do with myself and I’ve been helping myself for years now)? Would therapy give me something more, can they help more? I don’t pretend I can do this alone but I also don’t feel the need to pay a professional just to tell me what I already know. There’s also the fact that I will not talk, I will not open up about this, I will not show weakness. I will not trust a person who does this as a job, I will never believe they care about me personally, why would I go there to sit and stare at the wall? The day I will go to a professional is the day I will feel so low I’ll accept that I need medication.

There’s a bit of an issue with medication. Meds are for the crazy ones, yes? The moment you get pills you’re automaticaly labeled as a basket case. The moment you have a note saying anxiety/depressive disorder, OCD, psychosis of any kind, personality disorder, etc, that’s that. You’ve been labeled. It all became real. And people will treat you differently, not because they want to be rude but because they pity you and don’t know what else to do. There’s a popular opinion that you have to get better to stop using the pills, yes? As if your brain has a better chance at healing than, let’s say, your respiratory system (will you tell an asthmatic to try and stop using their inhaler?), your pancreas (will you tell a diabetic to try and stop injecting insulin?) or your eyesight (will you tell me to try and stop wearing my glasses?) Can you imagine coming up to a disabled person and telling them to just stand up and walk, see, I can do it, why couldn’t you? No? Then why do you tell me to just start thinking of nice things and find something to do and soon I’ll be feeling better?

And you know what the worst part of this is? That the people who need the medication live with the same prejudice. And so they don’t go to a doctor or they refuse to take the pills or they stop taking them the moment they feel better because they think the deal is to stop needing them. It is not. You are allowed to need them and there’s nothing wrong with accepting help, be it from a person or a little bit of hormonal boost. God knows sometimes I feel like asking for them (and I just might this year before exams and writing my thesis, actually).

But then I get better, as I am now, and I start questioning whether I’m actually ill or if I’m just pretending. And that’s how I know I haven’t escaped any of the prejudice I just desribed and I will have to try a little bit harder to get rid of the idea that I’m really just a poser. Doesn’t help that my own mental health is fine compared to some of the people I know. I’ve never tried to kill myself. I’ve never thought of hurting myself. I already said I’ve been helping myself for years now – and it’s true. I recognize when I’m low and an episode is about to start and I get help (seeing as I’ve found the source of my episodes I also know how to get rid of them). And sometimes they’re bad enough to last days but usually it’s merely minutes and then I’m okay. And everytime I come out of them stronger and stronger and I havent had one in such a long time I don’t even remember what they feel like.

(February. I had the last one in February when I failed an exam and I realised I wouldn’t be able to finish my bachelor’s this year. That one almost broke me, I’ve always had this idea that uni will be the first thing I won’t fail and then I went and failed it. There was a possibility for me to make it – it would’ve been hard, it would’ve cost me a lot – mostly my mental health. And so I didn’t. I didn’t fight, I gave myself a month to heal a bit and to realise this isn’t the end of the world and I didn’t dissappoint anybody except myself – and then to forgive myself. And I came to the conclusion that it might not be ideal but it’s what it is and it’s okay. Maybe I would’ve been able to fight through it. But I felt like I wasn’t and I gave myself a free pass on that one. And I don’t regret my choice for I feel healthy, calm and comfortable now.)

I still get mild ones, mostly before exams. I’ll never get rid of that, I’ll always have a bit of a struggle with procrastinating and then hating myself for it. I used to hate myself for quite a lot, and then I worked that out. I stopped blaming myself for my problems and I came to peace with the reasons of them. I had issues with many things and I’m happy school is the only one left. I have hope that I’ll get over that one as well, sometime, maybe. It’s fitting, really, as school was the first one I recognized and the rest only appeared once I started digging into it.

I’m a lucky person. I know what to do to myself, how to help myself and sometimes even how to help others. Not everyone has that. Some have pushed the idea so deep into their mind that they simply cannot find it anymore, some think it humiliating to show weakness, some reject the reality and some don’t, they realise what’s happening to them and they don’t know how to ask for help or have conditioned themselves into thinking they don’t deserve help, that they’re not worth it. And the few who come and ask for help sometimes find that the help they’re getting isn’t enough.

What I wanted to accomplish with this text (Essay? Speech?) is not only spreading awareness of mental health issues but also to show the people who have it that they’re not alone and even a person who is presenting themselves as strong as I am can suffer from it. I wanted you to realise you’re not weak for experiencing this in whichever form and strength you do. And that there is help to get and it’s not humiliating to ask for it. And if you read this and you feel like it has nothing to do with you, please consider your friends, parents, coleagues, spouses, children. I strongly believe you have a person who’s going through it somewhere around you, and they might be needing your help.

[kwamiwayzz]

citttrrruuuussssss

I don’t see enough of the meta when it comes to citrus so I decided to ask myself these questions after copying and pasting them from another blog cause why not >.> 

And I may be low key still trying to ignore my responsibilities

–

Main ship <3 Yuzu x Mei (i dont even think they have an actual ship name) 

I’m gonna cut it at a certain point cause I realized how much I was rambling 

• When or if I started shipping it:

Ah...surprisingly I didn’t start shipping these two until a few months ago. I’ve been following the manga since the day it came out and I’ve always liked them but I never actively “shipped” them or anything. Even though I went all “YeSSSSS” when they started dating in chapter 16, I was still just more of a casual fan.

There are a few reasons I can think of to why I was drawn into shipping them (finally...) was that I somewhat got back into yuri over the summer after watching a clip from Fate Kaleid.......*cough* anyway...and started going back on dynasty-scans to see what kinds of new yuris have been made huehuehue. Long story short I shortly got back into MadoHomu and Yuzu x Mei, and saw the latter ship as the “less angsty” version and went on from there 

The other reason I got super into them was that the latest few chapters, and remembering chapter 24, was that I really started to notice how Mei became less cold and closed-off from Yuzu. And seeing her blush and be all nervous around her was just..... <3 <3 <3~~~~~~

Oh and this one comic by smxmuffinpeddling made me laugh (and still makes me laugh) so it spiraled from there. They are a blessing to Citrus. 

• My thoughts:

I tend to gravitate towards ships that have that dark/light dynamic. I’m cliche and I have a weakness for ships that have the aloof dark haired girl who’s usually looked up to or very popular fall in love with the ditzy, but kind and optimistic light haired girl and vice versa (see: Chikane/Himeko, MadoHomu, Diakko {to an extent}) Not exactly opposites attract, but I found their interactions funny when they initially hated each other and whenever I read the manga in retrospect in my head I’m all, “honey you two have no idea” 

i like ships where i can see a little of myself in both characters 

• What makes me happy about them:

I understand that the pseudo-incest thing can turn some people off from the pairing but in this story I feel like it’s justified enough that pretty much the whole fandom is cool with it. Yuzu and Mei didn’t grow up together nor are they blood related, but taking the “they’re not related by blood” justification out of the way while the kiss that Mei stole from Yuzu is what led to Yuzu developing feelings for her step-sister, Yuzu already started showing some sort of attraction in chapter 1 when Mei hugged her to just to get her cellphone. So, kiss or no kiss, Yuzu probably would’ve developed a crush on Mei regardless. As for Mei, the step-sister thing forced the seemingly-opposite girls to interact and it’s what led to Yuzu finding out all these things about Mei and help her with her issues. So, I think the fact that Yuzu would go great lengths for her is what would lead her to falling for her.

I really like how Yuzu doesn’t give up on Mei despite Mei always having to push her step-sister away. As much as I love Yuzu and do relate with her on a spiritual level, I do relate with Mei a lot (despite some friends saying I’m more like Yuzu lol). Anyone else who would try to get close with Mei would either get tired of her for being so closed-off and eventually just give up on her. I like the fact that Yuzu does see a lot of the good in Mei that she can’t see in herself. The whole dynamic of the closed-off, pessimistic, sometimes brooding person with the open, optimistic, never-gives-up person is a common dynamic I’ve seen everywhere and I happen to be one of those people that really do like it (at least if done right to an extent or I relate on a certain level) and also reminds me of sasuke and naruto despite never shipping that *cough* but anyway...

Plus, I remember smxmuffinpeddling mentioning this in the tags of one of their fics, but I really do like how both of them put in a lot of work to make their relationship work. Yeah, sure it seemed like Yuzu was doing all the work in the beginning, but as soon as Mei began to open up and trust Yuzu more, she does try to put in genuine effort in maintaining their relationship (using Yuzu’s notebook as a perfect date template, when she talked with Yuzu in chapter 24 that their relationship has nothing to do with other people’s opinions, asked Harumi for advice on how to start a conversation with Yuzu in the vol. 7 extra, being open to Yuzu’s offer of the one kiss a day thing, and i wish to see many more things~)

• What makes me sad about them:

Need I explain...

*Sigh* as much I love these two, I just want them to interact more with words. Like have more casual conversations. It could be the mundane things or about any problems or issues they could be having. I live for healthy communication, and I feel like Yuzu and Mei are still working up to that.

• Things done in art/fic that annoys me:

So...finding actual fan content of these two, let alone for Citrus in general is like treading through the Sahara fucking Desert 

I haven’t really found anything concrete in art/fic that annoy me...yet but the most I’ll say is making both of them unreasonably OOC. This fandom is pretty small despite citrus apparently being a super popular yuri manga (I really didn’t know that until recently) so OOCness isn’t too much of a problem. I used to be heavily into the Frozen fandom so of course when you have a larger fandom you’re going to have a crap ton of fan interpretations and lots of AUs that either don’t fit or drive the characters being written about to be OOC.

• Things I look for in art/fic:

Lots of fluff cause we don’t get enough of it in the manga TT_TT 

If it’s just them talking or having a date or something mundane that allows them to get to know each other more then sign me the fuck up. I like seeing fics that go into Mei’s perspective and I’m also a huge fan of content that really showcases the support they have for one another because feels~

In fact here’s some fics I’ve read that show some of this stuff I’ve mentioned: 

citrus schtuffs by angel0wonder (literally anything written by smx/angel0wonder bless them)

 Citrus - A Compilation by mikotyzini

The Adventures of Mei and Yuzu by mikotyzini 

Citrus: Fantasies by epitomeodisaster (i literally don’t remember if i read this one but so far it has what i mentioned earlier)

Sweet and Sour by Cynical-Banshee (words cannot describe how much I love the writing style and characterization of Mei and Yuzu in this fic, it has almost everything I’m looking for that the manga doesn’t have enough of...and chapter 5...*dies*) 

that’s all i can think of for now, but despite low numbers of content most of the stuff ive come across so far is pretty good 

• Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: 

For Yuzu, I wanna say Harumin only because they’re best friends and she’s always got Yuzu’s back and stuff and I know some people in the fandom already highkey ship them...however (yeah I’m gonna be one of those people ^^;), in the story I feel like it would be a bit cheap having Harumi secretly have feelings/fall for her best friend because while I was used to the yuri cliches when I first read the manga, I personally feel like the story is already far in Yuzu and Mei’s relationship that adding more unnecessary third party drama would kinda be tiresome to me. That’s not saying I’m not open to it. If Saburouta does something new or different with the whole “best friend is in love with main protagonist” cliche that I’ve seen in other yuri like Strawberry Panic, then I wouldn’t mind reading it. 

For Mei...this is gonna sound like a weird answer, but I’d probably go with Matsuri. Part of the reason just being that they do kinda share some similarities together (being alone most of their life, sometimes clinging to the one person they feel like they can trust a.k.a Yuzu), but I’m also bad at explaining shit so I’ll probably just leave it at that :P 

• My happily ever after for them:

THEY HAVE A KID (i think i came up with a concept for them having a son in my head but i never drew it...yet) 

and they live in a cozy apartment together. Mei being self-conscious about her parenting skills and Yuzu always reassuring her that she’ll be fine and she’ll support her in everything she’s having trouble with if Mei has no fucking clue how to show love and affection to a child, let alone her own. The girl already took awhile trying open up and show her love to Yuzu, so this would be a challenge lol 

Yuzu trying to reassure their kid that while his mother is pretty stubborn and has a hard time expressing her feelings, she loves them both very much <3~

• What is their favorite non-sexual activity?: 

TALKING/COMMUNICATION (wait that’s my favourite lol) 

I’m assuming that once they’re deep in their relationship, just sitting down and talking about the mundane things whether it’s about their day or ranting about whatever, would be something they would find relaxing. In the end, they’re still learning more about each other (and I fucking love that) 

oh and trying new things with each other. Yuzu would be the one dragging Mei to try out something they’ve never done before (I can’t think of any right now), Mei would probably be super competitive when it comes to getting the skill down in whatever they’re doing but of course Yuzu would tell her she doesn’t need to get so worked up and should just let loose and have fun

[philaprint]

MY ACTIVISM: Mychal Denzel Smith

Interview by Myles Johnson | Illustration by Donte Neal

When a cultural cleanse is under way, one of the first things burned to the ground are the libraries. It makes sense. In the library, the Gods, disillusionments, epiphanies, fantasies, and lessons of a people live; if you mean to convince the world that a people never existed, or that they existed insignificantly, destroy the library. When you understand that words hold power, writing can be understood as a form of activism.

You can craft resistance in phrases, and be radicalized in a corner, silently with no one being the wiser. Writing is revolutionary. The key to creating such revolutionary ink is when the writer marries a vicious idea with an understanding of both language and their voice. Writing is magical when that marriage meets a mind that is both willing and open. Writer, Mychal Denzel Smith, is a few-in-a-generation type of writer that articulates problems hidden behind the rib of a generation and uses those discoveries to birth, not just truths, but bridges that make you feel closer in a world that can make you feel wildly isolated. Smith’s latest, Invisible Man, Got the Whole World Watching, sparks conversations that do the deep work of connecting truths about patriarchal and white supremacist domination and, most impressively, demonstrates that he is a great voice without insinuating that he is the great voice; which is a black male patriarchal tradition. Smith is powerful. But, he becomes radical by gracefully sharing that power through transparency about where that power is rooted and where it lives beyond himself.

Mychal Denzel Smith may rarely be seen with a protest sign in the street, but his activism is one that is just as rigorous and his frontlines are in your imagination. For Philadelphia Printworks’ ongoing #MYACTIVISM series, I was permitted to speak with Smith about his fears, his hopes, and his more revolutionary style choices he brings to his creative discipline.

PPW: In your book, you had a very profound observation about the deep contradiction of working at Wal-Mart while using that money to purchase Angela Davis’ autobiography. This battle is universal amongst all people that have a critical consciousness and also desire a way to survive this domination we are critical of. Is there advice you can give to people that might have to navigate domination (in this case, capitalism) but still desire to resist domination?

MDS: This is, perhaps, the biggest internal struggle I face. The ability to survive a capitalist system necessitates a level of compromise with that system, which necessarily puts one in the position of participating in a system of exploitation. But beyond that, there is real pleasure that is found in participation, as capitalist production of goods and services offer for us forms of entertainment and consumer products that appeal directly to our pleasure centers. How, in good conscious, can we allow ourselves that bit of pleasure, of joy, while knowing that it comes at the expense of someone else's exploited labor and/or health? I wish I had better answers here. What I can say is that the changing of individual behavior, while it may bring a personal sense of satisfaction, will not alter the system. We will need collective organizing efforts and macro shift in our economic system to free us from this particular bind.

PPW: From citing bell hooks and Assata Shakur to public dialogues with Janet Mock, you’ve seemed to consistently be inclusive to identities that are beyond cis-gender, heterosexual black men. How conscious is the effort? And how important do you think inclusivity is for people that are looking to create their own resistance work?

MDS: It was deliberate. We are at a point where cisgender, heterosexual-identified black men can no longer act as though we haven't been consistently challenged to de-center our identities, and also interrogate our complicity within patriarchal, homophobic systems. I wouldn't even say it's about "inclusivity," it's about justice. This is our duty, responsibility, and debt to those who we have rendered invisible by virtue of focusing on cisgender, heterosexual black men in our cultural and political work. Failing to live up to that responsibility can no longer be an option.  

PPW: You’ve reached a certain amount of visibility that some may never acquire or have yet to acquire. What is one thing you would tell your less visible self about hyper-visibility, or fame, that you’ve learned through experience?

MDS: It's more exhausting than it looks.  

PPW: “The struggle continues” is a common phrase. Since domination always exists, it becomes imperative to care for yourself and find delight and humor in life. What are ways you find delight and care for yourself even as the struggle continues?

MDS: Community. The existence of community is vital, for your sanity. To know there are people who see the world similarly and are willing to struggle alongside you is vital to finding joy in this work in order to keep going. Good food, good liquor, good sex. I love watching cartoons, specifically Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but all the stuff that was hot during my childhood.  

PPW: Writing can function as activism and protest. Why did you choose writing as a way to resist and dissent?

MDS: It's where I found my talent lies. That's the important part, understanding what talents you have and how best to turn them toward resistance. Writing was always my thing, even when I didn't take it too seriously. And what our history has shown is that the written word has the ability to shape consciousness not just in its time but for generations. It is lasting, but also flexible. I want to argue, with myself and others, on the page, in hopes that we can imagine and build the new world from what we discover there.

PPW: Politically, a lot has changed (and a lot has stayed the same) since you’ve written your book. What are your thoughts on the current political climate?

MDS: I'm scared. I'm still working through my thoughts, but what I feel is scared.  

PPW: Specifically talking to other writers that admire you and use you as a possibility model, what is advice you can give them on their journey?

MDS: The only advice to give to a writer (in my mind) is to keep writing. Keep struggling with the blank page, keep challenging yourself to do new, scary, exciting, innovative things. Keep pitching and being rejected. Keep searching for your voice. You are needed, no matter what messages you receive from the rest of the world. We have to keep pushing forward and the way we've chosen to do that, as writers, is to write. So keep writing.  

PPW: Many feel hopeless and often many look toward the writer to reinvigorate the imagination. Can you give language towards what gives you hope?

MDS: I know it's hard to see, especially at a time like right now, but things do change for the better. The systems of oppression change, as well, and become more entrenched, as they learn our methods of resistance, or in response to our victories. But we do, sometimes, win. And that fact, that our victories, big and small, have so dramatically altered the course of human history tells me that we possess the will to persist, and that persistence will yield results. We may not see them in our lifetimes, but they can and will come.

PPW: There are accepted definitions of a word or a thing, and definitions that we personally conjure up; what is your definition of activism?

MDS: Activism is the work that recognizes the damage of the status quo and consciously attempts to undo it.

PPW: What is something an elder has said to you that has proven to be true?

MDS: I just turned 30, and I'm remembering all the times an elder has told me that I wasn't going to be young forever. That's not saying 30 is old, but what I'm realizing now is that they were telling me my identity couldn't depend on being young forever. You have to figure out who you are outside of your youth, because not only is it not going to last forever, but you're going to get to a point where you wouldn't want it to.

PPW: This can be as fun/silly or as serious as you desire for it to be! What have you done today to resist the powers that be?

MDS: Rocked one of my Philadelphia Printworks sweatshirts.

https://www.philadelphiaprintworks.com/blogs/news/my-activism-mychal-denzel-smith

[viralhottopics]

Not so haute: six writers on their biggest fashion mistakes

From tights on the beach to head-to-toe taffeta, writers reveal the outfits they regret

Kenya Hunt My version of day-to-night dressing was a night-time look worn all day

Despite working at a fashion magazine, Ive made a few sartorial mistakes. I comfort myself with the sentiment of an Instagram edict I saw: If youve never looked a little dumb, youre not having fun.

Id count the moment I met my husband as an off day, so it pains me no end that the clothes I wore have become a part of our marital lore. In his mind, the outfit is key to a story that must be retold, again and again: She wore a shiny shirt, tight jeans, big, gold hoop earrings, tall boots and a giant white furry jacket. And I said, I need to know this woman.

This visual loudness the metallics, the big proportions, the shaggy texture was my everyday look back in my late 20s, when I was living and working in New York. I dressed this way to please no one other than myself. I relished being able finally to buy and wear the labels I read about in magazines, but could never find in my suburban childhood home in Virginia.

My version of day-to-night dressing was basically a night-time look worn all day ready for whatever fun might happen later. Id think nothing of a morning commute in glittery Miu Miu heels or a gold Chlo sequin skirt. (To be fair, it was the era of high heels, flashy coats and skirts that were either very big and long, or very short.) No matter what the prevailing trend, Ive always had a soft spot for the razzle. For further proof, see this old image of me in Milan, in bright colour and print, layered on top of more colour and print.

Now, my wardrobe stands on a foundation of grey, navy and black, mostly because it suits my lifestyle and the London weather. I limit the flamboyance to my accessories (a bright shoe, big earring, bold handbag) or show it through shape, such as an enormous puffer jacket. Its just that now I choose pragmatic black rather than hot pink.

Theres a real joy that comes with loud dressing, because it requires a certain kind of go-to-hell spirit. Ive come to indulge this in a more restrained way, but I dont regret the mistakes. If I did, Id have divorced my husband a long time ago, for telling that story so very, very often.

Kenya Hunt is fashion features director of Elle.

Ruth Lewy: To think that this was my coolest look

Ruth Lewy, aged 20, with Dizzee Rascal.

It was May 2006 and I was coming to the end of my first year of university. I had just received my first proper student journalism commission: an interview with Dizzee Rascal. I borrowed a Dictaphone and hastily scrawled down three pages of uninventive questions (What is the best thing youve ever got for free?).

Now the important bit: my look. I loved Dizzee; I knew his two albums back to front and had mastered all the words to Fix Up, Look Sharp. What was I going to wear?

To think, looking back, that this was my very best outfit. My coolest look. Not one floral print top but two, a T-shirt layered over a shirt. Not one necklace, but two. (Made with beads collected while InterRailing around Europe. I know.) My curly hair was slicked back with Brylcreem. Off I went, looking like Laura Ashleys long-lost daughter.

He was courteous, holding eye contact and answering all my inane questions with grace. (The best thing he ever got for free? A lifetimes supply of trainers.) I stood up and shook his hand, and he invited me to his afterparty. The next student journalist sat down and went straight in with a question about homophobic lyrics and issues of representation in pop music, and I thought, Ohhhh, thats what journalism is.

The evening took a strange turn. My friends and I crowded into a bar on the high street, where Dizzee had a roped-off section at the back. It didnt take him long to zone in on my gorgeous friend L, persuading her to leave with him. We were agog.

Twenty minutes later, she was back, laughing her head off at the way he had clumsily propositioned her. She chose us over him.

What do I see when I look at this picture? I feel embarrassed at my choices. But Im also glad I spent my 20s dressing like a weirdo: it demonstrates a self-confidence that I dont think I appreciated at the time. These days, you could still file most of my clothes under eclectic, but Im much more careful, uninventive even. Now I tend to wear only one necklace at a time.

My interview never appeared in the end; the other journalist broke the embargo (she went on to write for the Daily Mail: go figure). I was left with only this blurry picture, a reminder of my youthful enthusiasm for floral prints, and an uncanny impression of Dizzee Rascals best chat-up line.

Ruth Lewy is assistant editor of Guardian Weekend.

Nosheen Iqbal: Everyone else on the beach was 89% naked

Nosheen Iqbal in Tuscany, aged 21.

I was a skittish 21-year-old in the mid noughties and I had, against my will, ended up on a Tuscan beach. It was the height of summer, but I was wearing thick black tights, thicker black skirt, black scarf and witchy pumps . Everyone else was dressed in 89% naked and the entire beach was rammed. Id been sent on a work trip with four other journalists who were, as far as I was concerned, super-old (fortysomething) and, I hoped, probably willing to buy my stubborn refusal to strip as some cool youth thing. (They didnt.) I made an attempt to style it out by looking casually moody, staring out to sea behind sunglasses, pretending not to notice my shoes sinking in the sand, legs looking like inky black stumps.

Why dont you take off your tights?

No.

What about if

No.

A couple of key things: the seaside was not on my itinerary and I hadnt packed for it. I didnt (and dont) own swimwear or a bikini, and I didnt (and dont) know how to swim.

Being Muslim is barely an excuse to look as daft as I did; there are chic ways to be modest by the sea childhood memories of Karachis Clifton beach were proof, where lawn cotton tunic and trousers were everyones friend. But being Muslim, plus an average level of body dysmorphia, was my bikini body ready get-out card. I knew there had to be more comfortable ways to be in public than permanently sucking my stomach in wearing what is, essentially, waterproof underwear. But 100-denier hosiery was definitely not the answer.

The general advice to give a shy 21-year-old should always be, Its not as bad as you think, to allay their disproportionate embarrassment. Except, in this case, the cringe levels are fully warranted; I havent been to a hot, sunny beach since.

Nosheen Iqbal is a commissioning editor for G2.

Morwenna Ferrier: I cant remember why I decided to cut off my hair

Morwenna Ferrier in Aldeburgh in her early 20s.

Other outfits have been more challenging. The mother-of-pearl bustier I wore to my graduation, say. Or, recently, the T-shirt printed with Valerie Solanass Scum manifesto I wore to meet a friends baby. But the outfit I am wearing here, worn on a walk along Aldeburgh beach in Suffolk, is the one I most regret.

It started a few months earlier when, in my early 20s, I decided to cut off my hair. I cant remember why. I imagine I fancied a change and, in fairness, I liked it. But then, I looked like a boy in a dress. I reacted by phasing out dresses and instead wearing drainpipes, striped T-shirts and headscarves. None of this was good. In the photo, Im wearing tight cropped trousers under the dress.

I had spent my late teens in dresses, grungy or flowery, with self-cut hems. It was a more innocent time, when I didnt really care what I wore. But the haircut triggered an anxiety.

What is it I regret? Back then it was the haircut; now, its that I ever worried about looking like a boy. I clearly hadnt been paying attention in those Judith Butler seminars; maybe I was still too attached to the binary. As my hair grew out, I started to care for the first time about how I looked. At 24, late in life, I became self-conscious.

Morwenna Ferrier is the Guardians online fashion editor.

Pam Lucas: I looked like a turkey at Christmas

Pam Lucas at a family party, aged 39.

As a single parent in the 80s, I was dirt poor. I didnt have the opportunity to make fashion faux pas because I didnt have any money. We shopped in jumble sales, and we had fun.

My family was invited to a party to celebrate my aunt and uncles golden wedding anniversary. I didnt know them that well, but my mum wanted me to impress them by looking modern. In the 80s, that meant puffy sleeves and big shoulders. My mother came with me to buy the outfit from BHS , so I had to comply. I was 39 at the time.

It was a beautiful colour between purple and lilac but I didnt like the synthetic fabric. It was watermarked all over and had a flared, taffeta skirt and a little jacket with a peplum. I looked like a turkey at Christmas, but it was such a fab party, I soon forgot how uncomfortable I felt.

In a way the outfit is a testament to my relationship with my mother. I was a grownup, with a child of my own, but she was still trying to keep hold of the mum bit of herself.

Pam Lucas is a model and appears regularly in All Ages.

Tshepo Mokoena: I settled on a vague hippy child look

Tshepo Mokoena at 19.

It would be nice if we could start over. To spare me, and others my age, a fair bit of niggling shame, by wiping all early photos from our Facebook accounts. Anyone who set up a profile between 2004 and 2009 now lugs around the digital baggage of horrible pictures of misspent youth and terrible outfits.

Case in point: this delight of a photo. I was 19, killing time between the second and third years of uni in Brighton. In a few weeks, my housemate and I would set off on an impulsive charity volunteering trip to Kerala because and I still cringe wed watched Wes Andersons The Darjeeling Limited.

Until my early 20s, my aesthetic consisted of not knowing when to edit. At 18, I would layer at least three beaded necklaces, two chunky bracelets, about 17 bangles and seven rings, for no good reason.

I attended secondary school in Harare, Zimbabwe, largely insulated from fashion, more concerned with my whizzing hormones than the latest velour tracksuit. I settled on a vague hippy child look at 15 and filled my wardrobe with earthy prints, flared denim and jewellery picked up in local markets. By 19, I looked like a substitute art teacher.

If youre old enough to have only private, analogue photography from your youth, or young enough to have crafted a near-fictional version of yourself online, youre spared the permanent reminder of your mistakes: 1,287 grim images owned by Mark Zuckerberg. I implore other twentysomethings to join me in calling for a digital purge. Its time.

Tshepo Mokoena is the editor of Noisey.

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from Not so haute: six writers on their biggest fashion mistakes