#i figured moved on noah but also there is a lot of

[totaly-obsessed]

Could you write for leah where leah amd reder have kids and its parents evening and one of the kids have bad reports.

Parents Evening

Leah Williamson x reader request

-> Leah and Reader attend a Parents Evening and there are a lot more tears than expected

➳ Masterlist

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“Abigail Lynn Williamson! What is this?”

And with that Leah knew that her calm evening was over. It was never fun for the twenty-eight-year-old to hear you, her wife, yell. Especially not at your eight-year-old daughter Abigail, who was currently cuddled up to the blonde’s chest, carefully watching her little brother crawl on the floor.

“What did you do?” The defender’s whisper was met with an even quieter “I don’t know Mama.” But the flushed cheeks and restless eyes trying to avoid looking into her mothers gave her away. Abby knew exactly what was up, and it didn’t take Leah long to figure it out either.

You had rounded the corner now, a crumpled piece of paper in your cramping fist – your face just as hot as your daughter's (at least she had gotten something from you). “I found this at the bottom of your bag, Missy.”

Your oldest child tried to hide herself in Leah’s side, who knew that that was not a good idea and pulled her out of it. “It’s not important Mommy. I promise!” By now Leah had stood up, and tried to take the paper from you – but your grip would not allow it. So instead, she maneuvered you to sit down on the arm-chair.

You had just entered the third trimester with your third child, and pregnancy was a bitch.

This was the last one, as you liked to remind your wife every evening. But she did not believe you. If she knew anyone who wanted a big family, it was you. And after you had Abby, you had also claimed, that she was the last one. Even though she was only the beginning.

“Nothing you say?” Abigail’s eyes were still fleeting from Leah’s, too scared to look at her mother, even though she knew that Leah could not be mad at her.

“Dear Parents, I would like to invite you to attend your daughter’s year 3 parents’ evening on Thursday second of November. The evening will run from 4.30 pm until 7.30 pm and will be a chance for you to meet your child’s teachers and discuss their progress, behaviors for learning, and attainment in each subject.”

If you had not been so mad, your wife would have laughed at the scared look on her daughter’s face. She was petrified. “Yeah but it's not-“

“Not mandatory? No, it is not. But a bright pink sticky note says ‘Dear Mrs. and Mrs. Williamson, please attend the evening – I would like to have a word with you. Yours faithfully, D. Halliwell”

Abigail tried to ignore your stare by sliding off the couch onto the floor, trying to motivate her three-year-old brother, Noah, to play with her. But the young boy was tired and just wanted to look at the pretty pictures in his book.

After successfully having Abigail through IVF, the next attempts had failed, and for four long years, Leah and you had struggled to get pregnant again. While the process was grueling, you were so incredibly happy to have Noah with you, and both Leah and you had learned a lot through the process.

“So what baby – It’s a parent's evening, not the end of the world. What’s up?” Your ever-so-loving wife had moved behind you, massaging your tense shoulders, trying to calm you down – anxious for you and the baby. “The second of November Leah.”

But nothing clicked in the blonde’s head. “That is today. Baby. And it starts at four-thirty. That is in an hour.” Now the footballer understood. The problem was not that there was a parent’s evening, or that Abby had ‘forgotten’ about it but the fact that it was today.

Tears started to well up in the eight-year-olds eyes, pulling yours out as well. You were already an emotional person, but seeing your baby cry? The end of the world – not that the pregnancy and its hormones were any help at all.

“I’m sorry Mommy.” A now crying Abigail climbed on your lap, pressing her wet face into the crook of your neck, sobbing.

Leah's heart broke at the sight, but instead of getting involved, knowing that the two of you needed to talk, she took Noah and made her way to the kitchen. “Please don’t hate me, Mommy.”

“Oh, Baby. I could never hate you. I am not mad, okay? I just want you to tell me things like this – and lying about it does not make it better. Do you understand?” You gently wiped away her tears as the small blonde sniffled a small “Yes, Mommy.”

Your wife had re-entered the room a nearly asleep Noah on her hip, her phone in hand. “Beth and Viv are going to pick them up in a couple of minutes, go on up Abby – pack your bag.” After pressing one last, very wet, kiss to your cheek your daughter hurried upstairs to pack her overnight bag, excited that she got to stay with her favorite aunties for the night. “Lee, I’m a mess. I look-“

“Beautiful.” The defender pulled you up by your hands, eyes fleeting to the baby bump. “I’m gonna get them two ready, while you’ll get yourself ready, yeah? Don’t hurry, we have enough time as long as we are there by half six. Go take a bath baby.”

Before you reached the stairs, your wife pulled you back by the hips for a quick kiss – but after she pulled away ending the kiss, she quickly doubled down – into a bruising heavy kiss. “Alright, up ya go.” The blonde’s voice was hoarse as she gasped for air, a cocky smirk on her face.

By five you had said goodbye to the kids, promising Beth and Viv that you would bring breakfast to pick them up. The couple was over the moon, happy to take in their favorite arsenal kids, even on such short notice.

Both Leah and you were dressed to impress – your wife in a nice beige suit and you in one of your favorite winter dresses. Occasions like this were still scary so you wanted to make good impressions. It was nerve-wracking that you did not know why your presence was requested, but even with Abby in year three you still did not know if the teaching staff was completely fine with both you and Leah as a married couple and mothers.

The fear of homophobia is still at large.

During the drive Leah tried to calm you down, drawing shapes and hearts onto your thighs – but you were still tense. And that did not change. Not after you had been greeted at the door and escorted to Abigail’s classroom by a prefect.

“Mrs. and Mrs. Williamson, nice to see you again!” Mrs. Halliwell greeted both of you with a firm handshake and a tense smile on her lips. Leah, being the best wife ever, pulled out one of the chairs on the opposite side of the desk for you, gesturing to sit down. She took the seat next to you and her hand quickly found yours under the table.

“I am glad to see that the invitation for this evening has made its way to you.” Blue eyes met yours, as Lee looked at you, remembering what had happened not too long ago. “Regardless I am afraid that I do not have much good news for you.”

There it was. The panic that had been boiling up deep inside of you.

Both you and your wife were preparing for the worst, whatever it may be.

“Abigail does not have the best marks in most subjects. Except for physical education.” Mrs. Halliwell threw a quick glance at Leah, who was obviously the athlete in the relationship.

You knew that Abby’s marks were not the greatest, but you were working on it, helping with homework and various projects. You had even gotten a tutor for math, the subject she felt the most insecure about – and it was her idea.

“She cannot pay attention to things longer than ten minutes, always playing around with toys or drawing. Her behavior is poor at best. She does not listen to a word I say, always thinking about something else. Things must change.”

There was a feeling in your stomach that you did not like – you hated it. The nagging voice of the teacher nearly made you doze off, you could not even imagine having to sit through it for hours like your poor daughter did.

But the disgust Mrs. Halliwell held in her voice when she talked about Abigail made you tear up. Sweet little Abby, who could listen to you read to her for hours, being able to recite every single one you had made up for her as she wrote them down in a storybook, just for the two of you. She even drew pictures alongside it, wanting to share them with her brother Noah, and her unborn sibling.

Sweet Abigail, who would hang on to Leah’s and her teammates ’ lips, desperate for every bit of footballing information she could get. But apparently, the teacher knew a different side of Abigail, one you did not.

“Do you have anything nice to say about or daughter?” Leah was getting angry as well, her grip on your hand tightening as her jaw clenched.

Mrs. Halliwell drew in a sharp breath as she filled through her papers “She is very opinionated and does not let anyone talk over her. Abigail is a great leader as she takes charge of the football team.” What sounded like a compliment, felt like a punch to the face as she called your daughter bossy. Not a single word that left her lips was said with joy, dislike lacing every word.

Leah could feel your anger radiating off you and she knew that she had to intervene “So what can we do to better things?” The woman whom you had thought of as ‘nice’ got uglier in character the longer you looked at her. Pursed, chapped lips, dry eyes with thin damaged hair – she looked tired. “As long as she doesn’t change, I don’t see any way she could improve.”

Change.

She wanted your daughter to change, instead of helping her as she was. “Change in what way?” Leah was more composed than you, used to watchful eyes and judgment. “She needs to calm down and stop talking every chance she gets – Abigail needs to pay attention. But personally, I think that it is hopeless.”

Boom. There it was.

It was over and Leah knew it, letting go of your hand as you stood up, a hand pressed to your tummy. “Excuse me? Hopeless? You are talking about an eight-year-old girl. Someone who is dependent on you, to learn. If you teach the way that you talk to us, I can understand why she does not pay attention.”

You were in full mother-bear mode, protective of your young. And while Leah was angry as well, she needed to control the situation.

And her thoughts, as she could not help but find it incredibly hot how angry and protective you got, about your child, hers in your tummy.

“Where are her things?” The stunned Mrs. Halliwell just stared at you as you, as you stood in front of her – steam practically pouring out of your ears. She pointed over to one of the desks. Of course, it was the messiest in the room, Leah’s genes coming through strong.

Your wife understood clearly, gathering all of Abby’s things from the table, as well as from her drawer in the class cupboard. “We will be going now – and you will hear from us. Have a nice evening Mrs. Halliwell.” With that you stormed out, Leah hot on your heels with Abby’s arts and crafts in her hands as the door slammed shut behind the both of you.

You held it together until you entered the car, tears escaping you in streams. “Did you hear how she talked about our daughter?” With a coo, Leah pulled you into her chest. A gentle hand stroking your hair, trying to calm you down. “I know darling.” More sobs shook your body, reminding her of how Abby had cried earlier in the day. “She was so mean to my baby, Lee!”

You both had decided to pick Abby up from the Miedema-Mead house, wanting to talk to her alone, in need of a bit of quality time with her.

Viv pulled you into a deep hug with Noah in her arms, who really wanted to stay the night at their house. The Dutch had no idea what happened, but she could see your need for stability. Beth and Leah were leaning against your family car, the defender explaining what happened quietly to her friend whose eyes were as wide as dinner plates. “Is that teacher still alive or did Momma over there get to her first?”

Abigail was quiet in the car, afraid that she was in trouble. You had given up your seat in the front, opting to sit next to the girl, holding her hand in yours.

Back at home, Leah had led everyone into your bedroom, helping you up into the high bed, your bump slightly in the way. “Are you okay baby?” You knew that the question was for the both of you, as the eight-year-old cuddled up between the two of you “Yeah, I’m fine Mama. How are you?”

And there they were again. Those annoying tears. Sweet little Abigail who was so considerate of her Mom’s feelings.

“I’m fine, thank you, baby. We wanted to talk to you about something. Is that okay?” The smaller blonde nodded, fear taking over her eyes as well. “Sorry ‘bout my marks – I’ll get better. I promise” Her little voice was muffled by Leah’s shirt that she was burrowing herself in. All three of you had changed into warm, matching pajamas as soon as you had gotten home.

“Don’t worry about them, darling.” Surprised eyes met yours as you pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Do you like Mrs. Halliwell, baby?” The instant mean face that she pulled, looked exactly like your wife’s when she was in a bad mood – answering your question without words. “That’s okay, Darl. Why don’t you like her?”

“She is so boring and she can’t explain things – I don’t understand anything. She doesn’t answer my questions and she doesn’t let me read when she asks for volunteers. I know how to read! Better than Ben, and she chooses him every time.” Her angry rambling reminded Leah of you when the book you read does not end the way you want it to. “And she doesn’t let me draw when I am finished with my questions, she yells at me a lot. And she, she jus-“ Abigail couldn’t continue, sobs wrecking her tiny body and eventually yours.

You were a terrible mother; how did you not notice? Even big and strong Leah was close to tears, watching some of the most important people of her life cry, kissing both her girls on the cheek. “Kay baby. Ya need to answer a question for us, okay? Think about it for a sec.” You held your breath as Leah asked her mini-me: “Do you want to leave Mrs. Halliwell’s class?”

The nod did not even come a second later. “Just her class or the school? Mommy and I can homeschool you til the next year starts. We can find ya a nice new school?”

“Yes please, Mama.” It was heartbreaking to see this little girl ready to give up her school because of a teacher. The principal would hear of this, and you would make sure of it.

“Please tell us if something makes you sad okay baby? We can try to fix it, but only if we know what’s up.” Abby had her smile back, as she nodded at you – imitating her mother, placing slobbery kisses all over your face, making you giggle.

Leah could barely contain her joy. Her girls back laughing again – and with Abby homeschooled she would not need to dry your tears every morning when the small blonde left the house.

“Do you have a wish baby? Your birthday is coming up.” She thought hard. Much harder than she had when deciding if she wanted to leave school – “A baby sister please.”

Both Leah and you were stunned.

A baby sister.

You had not told anybody the gender of the new baby yet – but it was safe to say, that Abby would get what she wanted. Her birthday would be a complete success.

[measuredingold]

heaven sent

authors note: after a month off, i've finally finished my noah piece :) this is my first on tumblr, second one all together (there's one on my ao3). this was a request a friend of mine made a month or so ago, and i'm happy to finally get it out for them. briefly proofread, sorry for any mistakes. as always, enjoy and feedback is appreciated :) my requests are open btw! i'm also working on tag-list, so if you'd like to be added please send me a message :)

pairing: noah sebastian x reader

cross-posted on ao3

word count: 6.8k

cw/tags: slight friends to lovers, readers first time, realization of ~feelings~, fingering, cunnilingus (noah is a munch), p in v, protected sex (be safe!!!!! wrap it up folks!!!), fluff, maybe slight angst if you really squint, loads of tension, noah being a sweetheart, open ending, 18+ minors do not interact

You stare at Noah’s door, nerves bubbling inside of you. It was silly to be nervous - Noah was your best friend. You’ve lived with him for the last three years, known him even longer, and you’ve asked him plenty of favors in the time you’ve spent with him. However, this time was a lot different. 

Navigating your 20’s was something you were still figuring out. Establishing your career, finding a friend group that you trusted, and even dating was all so confusing. You’ve gotten the career down, and you think you got a pretty solid group of friends, but romantic relationships are still something that you can’t seem to get. 

You’ve been on dates, that wasn’t the hard part. The hard part was when things got… intimate. You’re embarrassed to say it, but you were still a virgin. It wasn’t like you were waiting for that special someone, it just never happened. You’d either get to that point and chicken out, or never even make it out of the kissing stage. At this point you just wanted it done and over with, but you couldn’t just do it with anyone. 

That’s where Noah came in.

You trusted him more than you trusted yourself, you think, and your other friends told you that if you just wanted to get it done and over with, do it with someone you won’t regret. 

You don’t think you’d regret Noah. 

With a shaky hand you reach up and knock on his door, the music from inside pausing. You hear shuffling and the twist of the doorknob, and there stood Noah. He smiles. 

“Didn’t know you were home,” He swings the door open and goes back over to his desk, falling into his chair. “What’s up?”

You don’t move, just stand in the doorway, your nerves intensifying. Shit.

He looks over at you after a moment of silence, and his brows furrow, lips pursing slightly. 

“Hello? Everything alright?”

You shake yourself out of your trance and shift on your feet, arms crossing over your chest. 

“Can I ask you something?” You bite down on your lip. “Like… a favor?”

Noah’s head tilts. “…What kind of favor?”

“A pretty big one.” You can’t help but smile sheepishly at the way Noah’s eyes narrow at you before his gaze softens, realizing your nerves, and he nods towards his bed. You walk over and sit down without a word.

He rolls his chair over to you as you pull your legs up under yourself, hands laid in your lap, and he reaches for them. You jump at the touch, and he frowns, but he doesn’t let go.

“What’s going on? Is everything alright?” His eyes narrow again. “…Do you need me to fight someone? I’m not really good at that, but I’ll try.” 

You can’t help but laugh before dropping your gaze from his, looking down at your hands intertwined together.

"No, no fighting is involved."

"Oh, thank fuck. You know I'm not much of a fighter." You laugh again but it falls short, the nerves resurfacing again. Noah's lips dip into a frown. "Seriously, what's up?"

You pull your hands from his to wipe them against your pants, sighing deeply. How do you even bring this up? You practiced a script in your head for hours before even standing in front of his door, but now that you're in his room, and he's sitting right in front of you, it's like you've forgotten everything you wanted to say.

"You can't laugh." You finally say. "And you can say no. It's... a stupid favor, anyways, but you're one of the few people I wholeheartedly trust, so..." Your words trail off with a shrug and you look up at Noah again, seeing confusion written all over his face.

"You're acting weird again." His head tilts again and you keep in your laughter this time. He looks like a confused puppy. "Did you do something illegal?" His eyes widen a bit as he leans in. "...Are you in trouble? Am I going to be an accomplice? You know I wouldn't do good in jail, dude."

"Oh my god, Noah." Your hands come up to rub at your face, laughter spilling out of you. "I'm not in trouble and no one's going to jail."

"Then what is it? You're acting like it's something crazy."

"Because it is!" You whine, falling back onto his bed. Your eyes stare up at the ceiling, arms resting on either side of your body. "And it's fucking embarrassing."

"I've known you for like 6 years, I think I've seen every embarrassing thing you've done."

You hear his chair squeak and feel the bed dip beside you, but you don't bother looking over. You feel his body, heat radiating off of him, and you suck in a breath at the close proximity. You truly were never bothered by being close to Noah, but ever since you've thought of your silly request, just the thought of touching him has your head reeling. He lays beside you, propping himself up on his elbow. You manage to sneak a glance at him and he's already staring down at you, lips pursed.

"Talk to me."

You pout. "I'm nervous."

"Oh, please." He reaches down to flick at your forehead, and you yelp, eyes slitting into a glare at your friend. "It's just me."

You sigh, gazing back up at the ceiling. "Alright. Just... Please promise not to laugh. And remember you can say no."

"Got it. Now, what is it?"

"So..." You hum, eyes falling shut. "You know how I'm still like... I've never had sex with anyone?"

"Yes." Noah says. "Still shocked, by the way, but I support you. It's not for everyone and we all go at our own pace."

You flush at his words, eyes opening to stare at him again. "Why're you shocked?"

He shrugs. "Just am, but it’s not a bad thing. Like I said everyone goes at their own pace.”

"Right." You clear your throat. "It's not like I don't want to do it, it's just... it's never happened. I think..." Your eyes fall shut again, not being able to look at him anymore. "Anna said I might be one of those people that just need to do it with someone I already know. Someone I trust, so it's not as scary."

"Hm..." Noah shifts next to you. "You could be. That's not really unheard of, a lot of people are more comfortable having sex with someone they're already comfortable with."

"Yeah, right." You suck in a breath. "Well... I've been thinking about it recently. And um..." You reach up and cover your face with your hands, trying to hide the deepening flush to your cheeks. "I was thinking about who I trust enough to do that with and... I trust you more than anyone else. Probably even more than myself."

The silence that follows is almost deafening. You're sure it took him a moment to register his words and you know the second he does, the bed shifting beside you. Noah sits up and you can feel his eyes boring into you, and it makes your skin crawl. You can't pull your hands away from your face, too scared to even look at him. 

It was such a crazy thing to throw out there, you knew that. What's the worst he could say? No? Your mind kept replaying that over and over again and yeah, the worst he could say was no. However, you feared that maybe you asking him of this would make things awkward. You knew it wasn't a friendship ending type risky, but it was enough to maybe make the next few weeks stiff and weird. 

"Are you..." Noah pauses and you hear him suck in a breath. "Are you asking to have sex with me?"

"God, when you say it like that it sounds so fucking weird." 

By better judgement you pull your hands away from your face to look up at Noah, expecting the worse. Though, it's not bad at all actually. He looks confused, definitely, but he doesn't look too uncomfortable. His gaze is still soft as his eyes meet yours. 

"Why me?" He sounds shocked, as if there should be a hundred other options before him. 

"Well. I live with you, and you're my best friend." You say simply and shrug. "You're also the only person in this world I trust enough to be... vulnerable like that with. For my first time, at least."

He nods, tongue darting out to swipe as his bottom lip and your eyes can't help but follow the movement. Something low in your stomach stirs, heat rushing through you, and you tear your eyes away to gaze into his again. 

"You can say no," You remind him quickly, moving to sit up across from him. "It's a crazy favor. I won't take it to heart."

"I..." His words trail off and his lips press together, looking off to the side. "I don't know if we should." 

For some reason your heart sinks to your stomach. A part of you knew he would say no and knew that was the worst thing he could say, but there was some other part of you that clung on to the possibility. You just wanted to get it over with and you were hoping that maybe he would help you out... but you still understand his hesitancy.

"Of course, yeah." You nod your head quickly, face heating up again. "I shouldn't have even asked; I don't know what I was thinking."

"No-"

You get up from his bed and rush towards his door. "Forget it, okay? I'm sorry for making it weird."

You don't bother looking back at Noah, slipping out his door and practically running to your room across the hall, shutting your door behind you.

…

Later that night while you were getting ready for bed, Noah slips into your room. You freeze, turning to look at him as he stands in your door frame, wringing his hands in front of him nervously. 

“Okay. I thought about it some more.” 

You pause. “About what?”

“About… what you asked me.” Your skin heats up at his words and you start to shake your head, but he holds a hand up to stop you. “I’m really fucking flattered that you trust me that much to even consider me a possibility and… and if you still want to, I’ll do it. If it’ll make you happy.” 

The silence that follows was brutal. You weren’t sure how to take it, especially with the way Noah was looking at you. He seemed nervous, almost like you had been earlier, and it has something inside of your fluttering. Like a bunch of butterflies had been set free inside your tummy all at once. 

You swallow. “What?”

"I don't know, I just." He leans against the doorframe now, arms crossing over his chest. "The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Being vulnerable can be hard, especially during sex, and... part of me wishes my first time was with someone I trusted."

You stay silent, eyeing Noah from across the room and he finally looks up, eyes meeting yours. He gives you a gentle smile and goosebumps rise across your skin.

"Really?" You say dumbly and he laughs.

"Yeah." He shrugs. "I mean, do I regret it? Not really, but I think it would've made the experience better if it had been with someone I trusted and maybe had known longer than a few weeks." He slowly makes his way towards your bed and sits down on it, patting the spot next to him. Your feet move before you can even think, settling down next to him. "I also want your first time to be good. I know too many people whose first times were shitty, and I don't want that for you. If... if it's with me, I'll be able to make sure you're enjoying it, and not just doing it to say you did."

You notice the subtle flush on his cheeks, and you can't help but smile.

"I just need to know that this is really what you want because there's no going back after this." 

He reaches out to place a hand against your thigh, and you know it was supposed to be soothing, but the burning feeling it left against you was almost too much to handle. You nod quickly, eyes never leaving his.

"If I didn't want this I wouldn’t have asked, Noah." You say softly. "I've thought about it a lot and... and if I were to choose anyone in the entire world to do this with, it would be you."

Something in the air shifts after the words leave your mouth and you swear you see something cross in Noah's eyes, but it's gone before you could even think about it. You feel his fingers dip into your thigh for a split second before loosening, rubbing the spot he had dug into. 

"You're one hundred percent sure about this?" He asks, voice barely above a whisper. 

You stare at him for a moment before your eyes linger down to his lips, before flicking back up to him. He noticed but didn't say a word, hand still rubbing your thigh. You nod. 

"Yes."

"Okay." He sucks in a deep breath after a moment and pulls away from you, the moment you two shared slipping away. Your stomach turns, almost missing the contact, but you scoot a bit from him anyways. "Okay, cool. Do you work this weekend?"

You raise a brow at him, head shaking. "No. Why?"

"I'm free most of Saturday and Sunday, so we could... uh, do it then."

"Oh." Your eyes widen. "You want to wait?"

"I mean, yeah. Us doing it now would be weird, right?" You think about it briefly before nodding. It would be odd to just dive into it now, you don't think you'd enjoy it that much. "This gives us time to... prepare? I don't know. Be less nervous? And it gives you a few days to really think about it."

You rolled your eyes playfully, but your heart swells in size at how concerned Noah was, making sure you were completely okay with your decision. 

"I've thought about it for almost a week now. I think I'm sure."

“Alright, no need to get fucking sassy with me.” He leans over to flick at your forehead, like he had done earlier, and you swat at his hand.

“I’m not even being sassy!”

“Whatever, dude.” Noah finally gets up from your bed and looks down at you, brows raising. “So, next weekend?”

“Um. Yeah. Next weekend.” You clear your throat, trying to come off as nonchalant as possible, and Noah nods.

“Alright. Cool.” He looks like he wants to say something else, lips pressing together before he shrugs it off, making his way towards the door. “Does pizza sound good for tonight?”

You blink. “Huh?”

“Pizza.” He looks over his shoulder. “For dinner?”

“Oh.” You blink again, the sudden change in conversation taking you for a loop and you push yourself up off the bed. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Awesome. I’ll go ahead and order it and let you know when it’s here.”

You watch him slip out of your room, listening to his footsteps down the hall, and something in your tummy stirs as the realization of what’s happening finally settles in. What the hell did you just get yourself into?

…

You sat in the middle of your bed late Saturday evening, staring up at Noah as he stood at the end of your bed. You were still nervous, but not as nervous as you had been almost a week ago. Noah had been right - the more you thought about it and prepared yourself, the less scared you seemed to be. You can't lie and say all the nerves have gone away, because they sure as hell haven't, but looking at Noah right now, all you feel is comfort. 

"Feeling alright?" Noah's voice breaks you from your thoughts and you give him a small nod.

"Yeah." You hum, your hands spreading against your thighs. They were bare, the only thing you had on were some sleep shorts and an oversized shirt you typically slept in - probably Noah's. "Just nervous."

Noah gives you a smile as he crawls onto the bed towards you, your heart picking up under your chest. 

"It's okay to be nervous." He mumbles, sitting on his knees in front of you. You still have to tilt your head up just to look at him. "But it's just me, okay? I'll take care of you. I promise."

His words have your stomach turning, like a bunch of butterflies have just been released. Your skin heats up and you're sure your cheeks are flushed some sort of light pink, and Noah leans forward, his lips ghosting against your forehead. You take a deep breath and let your eyes flutter shut at the feeling, trying to ease your nerves.

"At any time you want to stop, you tell me, okay?" He says once he pulls back, hand coming up to rest beneath your chin, tilting your head back up. Your eyes open. "If it becomes too much, I need you to tell me. This is about you - not me. No egos will be shattered or anything."

"Okay."

"If it's alright with you, we can do the stop light method." He hums, hand never leaving your face. "Red for stop, yellow for slow down, and green for keep going."

You stare at him, eyes already glossed over in a haze, and you nod in his hold. "I trust you."

He pauses, eyes scanning over your face one more time before he leans in again, lips pressing against your forehead more firmly. Your eyes slip shut once again and you lean into it, savoring it. You miss the feeling of his lips against your skin when he pulls away, letting his hand drop.

"Lean back for me."

You scoot up the bed and lean back, the back of your head pressing against your pillow. Noah stares down at you before nudging your legs open gently, leaning forward to hover over you. Your heart is thudding so loudly against your chest it's the only thing you can hear, and you swear Noah can too. And you suspect that he does, especially with the way his lips quirk up at the ends before his eyes catch yours.

"Just relax, okay?" His voice is much lower now and it has something in the pit of your stomach heating up, skin tingling. "You're in good hands."

"Promise?"

Usually you would tease him, since that was the nature of your relationship, but right now you feel too vulnerable. You need to know that you'll be okay with him, which you're sure you will, but hearing him say it out loud just makes you feel a little bit better.

His gaze softens. "I promise."

The look you two share has alarms going off in your mind, and your stomach turns in a way you've never felt before, yet you don't think you've ever felt safer in your life. You relax yourself against your bed, fingers gripping the sheets beneath you.

"Okay." You breathe out. "I trust you."

"Thank you." He actually sounds happy by your words, almost like he's proud, and he leans down, lips ghosting against the skin of your neck as he mumbles out, "I trust you, too."

You can't help the gasp that escapes you when he presses a handful of soft, barely there kisses along your neck. He has an arm propped up beside you to hold himself up, while the other is rested against your hip. He nudges your shirt up ever so slightly, the pads of his tattooed fingers brushing against your bare skin. By instinct your hands raise to reach for him, fingers tangling in his hair. You feel him press against you, a shaky breath leaving him and when the air hits your skin, you shiver.

Noah presses another kiss to your skin before he pulls back, sitting up on his knees. You stare up at him, lips parted as a gasp escapes you. The look in his eyes was almost too much, the usual softness in his brown eyes darkening. The hand that was on your hip pushed your shirt up more, letting it wrinkle up against your stomach.

"Can I take these off?" He questions, fingers now tugging at the waistband of your shorts.

You can only nod, words not being an option right now and your hips lift up on their own as he tugs your shorts down your legs. Your body shakes the second you're exposed, the only thing covering you now is your underwear. The cold air hits against your core and its damp, and you flush out of embarrassment. He's done nothing but kiss you and you're already wet. You try to shut your legs out of habit, but Noah was still seated between them.

"Hey," His voice is rough, but he leans down, meeting your eyes again. A hand rests against the top of your thigh, his fingers dipping dangerously close to the one spot you're aching for him to be. "You okay? You don't need to hide."

You nod again because nothing seems to come out and Noah shakes his head, hair moving around.

"Talk to me." 

Something in his tone has you shivering again, and you swallow. "I'm okay... just not used to this." 

"I understand." His eyes drop from yours down to his hand against your thigh, watching as he gently caresses the skin. You can't help but squirm when his fingers get a bit too close to where you want him, and he glances up at you, lips quirked up into a grin. "I promised to take care of you, and I'm going to."

"I know."

He doesn't respond, just gives you another grin before he slides his body down yours, nestling himself in between your legs. You've never had someone that close to that part of you before, the closest being a finger or two, and when Noah's tugging at the band of your underwear you have to look anywhere but him. Your hips rise off the bed, and you let him drag them down your legs, almost achingly slow, and your eyes lock onto the ceiling.

You're bare in front of him and just knowing that has your chest tightening, your throat closing up. Your fingers move back to the sheets beneath you, and you grip them tightly, squirming when you feel Noah's fingers drag up your thigh. You feel him shift, finger dragging closer and closer to your center, and then the brush of his lips against your inner thigh. You squeak.

“It’s okay.” He murmurs, so low you barely catch it. “Have you ever been fingered before?”

You nod, stiff and quick. “Mhm. Felt weird.”

“Probably because you were so tense.” Another quick kiss was pressed to the inside of your thigh. “Don’t worry, we’ll fix that.”

He starts off slow, a long, slender, tattooed finger sliding up and down your slit before he gently prods at your entrance. You suck in a breath when you feel him push in, body stiffening again. You've been fingered before, you're not that inexperienced, but it's always been uncomfortable. Not enjoyable. Noah senses your unease and presses a kiss to your hip, his free hand rubbing your thigh.

"Need you to relax, baby." His voice is muffled by your hip and the word baby has your entire body flushing. "It'll feel good when you do."

"How do I do that?" You whine out, fingers gripping the sheets. He pushes forward again, his finger now fully inside you. It feels... foreign. 

"Stop thinking so much." He lifts his head up and you sneak a glance down at him, his eyes blown wide, and lips pursed in a slight pout. "Think of something that relaxes you, because you're way too stiff right now."

You toss your head back against the pillow, huffing out, and Noah laughs softly to himself and scatters a few more kisses against your skin. Your eyes flutter shut at the feeling, body almost instantly melting into the mattress. 

"Keep doing that."

"Kissing you?" He mumbles, lips brushing over your hips again. You nod.

"Yes. Please."

"Atta girl," He mumbles, almost to himself when he pumps his finger inside of you, finally relaxing around him to make the action much easier than before. "I got you."

This goes on for a few minutes - soft, delicate kisses being placed along your skin as he worked a finger inside of you. As time went on, the odd and almost painful stretch from before became... pleasurable. You don't even notice the tiny noises slipping from your lips and your hips slowly rocking down to meet his finger.

"You think you can take another?"

You nod. A second finger slips in, and the stretch has you keening, back arching slightly off the bed. It wasn’t terrible, though. No, it felt good. So much better than your previous experiences. You clench around his fingers, and you hear Noah groan quietly, face pressing against the inside of your thigh to muffle the noise.

“Fuck.” You curse out when he picks his movements up, fingers now scissoring in and out of you.

“Feel good?” Noah sounds strained, like he’s trying to hold himself together even though you’re the one experiencing all the pleasure. You nod.

“Really fucking good.” You choke out, hips bucking down to meet his fingers. “Green. Please don’t stop.”

“I won’t, baby.” Noah mutters, not once letting up. “Doing so well for me.”

You practically purr at his words, your body warming up and feeling the fly all over. You’ve always been one to love a good bit of praise, and hearing it come from Noah was something you’d never imagined enjoying so much. A surprised gasp leaves you when you feel his thumb press against your clit, applying pressure while his fingers continued.

"You've ever been ate out before?"

Noah's words pull you away from the cloud you were just on, the pleasure coursing through your body. You whine, shifting your hips down to meet his fingers again but he stills his movements.

"No." You whimper. 

You wiggle your hips down to get some kind of friction, the heat that was beginning to pool in your tummy slowly slipping away. You hear Noah groan below you and he presses a kiss to the inside of your thigh, gently biting down on the soft plush of skin there.

"Can I be the first?" He breathes out, lips dancing across your skin. "Please. I'll make you feel so fucking good, I promise."

“Yeah,” You nod quickly, hips rolling down to gain some kind of friction again. “Please, just do something.”

That’s enough for him, diving headfirst between your thighs.

Noah leaves no mercy, his lips wrapping around your now swollen clit as his fingers begin moving inside you again. The feeling of his tongue wet and heavy against you and his long fingers pumping in and out of you has your eyes crossing, stars dancing around the edges of your gaze. You can't help but let another moan slip, hips bucking wildly. You feel Noah moan against you, angling his fingers up to press against something inside of you that's pulling an unexpected noise out of you, something mixed with a cry and a moan. You’ve never experienced pleasure like this before with another person.

The heat pooling in your returns much quicker than you thought and you feel yourself clench around his fingers, hips moving on their own accord. Noah moans again, tongue moving against you, and you swear you feel shifting at the end of the bed. You take a chance to glance down at Noah, pushing yourself up onto your elbows. You have to bite down on your bottom lip to hold in any noises and watch as Noah ruts his hips against the bed.

You’d never seen anything so insanely attractive before – Noah’s mouth working against you like a starved man and getting off on it to the point that he has to grind against the bed to get some kind of release. It’s enough to push you over the ledge, the heat in your stomach snapping and your cunt clenching around his fingers. You cry out, falling back onto the bed as your eyes squeeze shut. You’d experience orgasms before, but this was your first with another person, and it was probably the best damn orgasm you’ve ever had.

Noah doesn’t let up until you’re practically shaking, reaching down to curl your fingers into his hair and physically push him away. He laughs, light and airy, and turns his head to press a quick kiss to the side of your thigh before finally sitting up. You stare up at him with hooded eyes, his chest rising and falling heavily with each breath he took. You feel your heart pounding against your chest, ringing loudly in your ears as the realization of what just happened settles into your bones.

Noah just gave you one of the best orgasms of your life.

Your cheeks flush with color and before you could reach up and hide your face from him, he’s leaning down, hovering over you. You suck in a deep breath.

“Was that okay?” He questions softly, but you can hear the slight shake in his voice, and the look in his eyes was anything but soft.

You nod. “Better than okay.”

“Yeah?”

You watch a smile spread across his lips and find it hard to look anywhere but there, so you don’t, and you give him another nod.

“Do you wanna keep going?” He leans further down until your noses are barely touching and you’re doing everything in your power to pull him down and kiss the absolute fuck out of him.

You nod again, swallowing harshly. “Yes, please.”

He doesn’t say anything, just hums out a quiet noise of approval while brushing his nose against yours. You can’t stop yourself from smiling at the soft gesture while he sits up from the bed. You watch with hooded eyes as he pulls his shirt over his eyes and you let your gaze trail over him, not trying to hide the fact that you were indeed checking him out. You lived with him so of course you’ve seen him shirtless countless of times before, but now it was different. Much more intimate.

You pull your bottom lip in between your teeth as he’s pushing both his sweatpants and boxers down, crawling back towards you. You sit up and finally pull your shirt off as well, tossing it to the ground before lying back down, watching Noah reach over for the condom he had brought in with him, and you swallow down the nerves that were beginning to rise.

It’s now or never.

You meet his gaze again and the look he’s giving you, like he wants to devour you has a fire setting off inside of you. Your eyes drop to his achingly hard cock, watching as he rolls the condom on, and you squirm underneath him, fingers gripping the sheets below you. He grips his cock, long fingers wrapping around his length and your mouth practically waters at the sight.

You realize in that moment you’ve never wanted someone more than you do now, and that is definitely something you’ll have to unpack later. Right now, though, all you can think about is the way his slides the tip along your slit, teasing your entrance before pressing into your now sensitive clit. You whimper, hips wiggling down and Noah chuckles above you.

“Remember, red is for stop, yellow is for slow down, and green is for keep going. Okay?”

It takes you a minute to register his words, too focused on the way he looks above you, and you give a shallow nod. “Okay.”

“Good.”

Noah hikes your legs up around his waist and you circle them around him, unintentionally pulling him closer to you. The tip of his cock nudges against your entrance at that and you suck in a deep breath, eyes fluttering shut. He takes his time slipping in, going as slowly as he could, and you whine quietly, face scrunching up at the feeling. It was different than his fingers, much bigger, the stretch almost uncomfortable and not the same pleasurable feeling you had just moments before. You feel his body lean over yours when he finally presses in all the way, nose brushing against yours again.

“Look at me.”

You do, eyes opening to stare up at him. His voice sounded strained again, like he was holding himself back for you, and the look in his eyes has you melting into the bed. You stare up at him with wide eyes, not sure what to say, and he gives an experimental roll of his hips. You whine again, the stretch as his slide in and out of you has your back arching off the bed.

“Is this okay? Talk to me, baby.”

You give a small nod, another noise falling from your lips. “It’s okay, just… I’m yellow right now. Go slow, please.”

Noah let’s out a breath like he had been holding it and gave you a nod, giving another small roll of his hips before stilling inside of you. You have to shut your eyes because the way Noah was staring at you was almost too much, your chest feeling like a brick had been sat on it. You can’t believe that you were doing this, finally, and with your best friend no less.

He rests his arms on either side of you, leaning down to nose as your cheek before dipping his head down to press a few kisses against your neck. He nuzzled himself against you, letting one of his hands come down to rest against your hip, gently rubbing soothing circles against your skin.

“You’re already doing so good for me,” You hear him whisper, pressing another kiss to your neck. “Color?”

You flush, keening at his words and your back arches off the bed on its own, causing your hips to shift down and you fee his cock slide further inside of you. The head presses against that spot inside of you again and you let out an unexpected moan, pleasure finally sleeping through your veins. You clench around him, hips shifting down again, and he presses his face against your neck as a groan leaves him.

“Shit.” You breath out, hands coming up to card through his hair. “Green. I’m so fucking green.”

With another groan, Noah rolls his hips against yours and you moan again, eyes rolling back. The stretch of his cock no longer felt uncomfortable, pleasure coursing through you with each slow thrust Noah gives you. His lips never leave your skin, licking and biting at your neck with each roll of his hips.

He pulls back to press his forehead against yours, eyes boring into your own and you squeeze yours shut. Another moan leaves you as he gives a rather hard thrust, your fingers gripping the ends of his hair and tugging. He whimpers at the feeling and you tug again, wanting to hear those sounds fall from his lips more, and his movements speed up.

The heat you had felt in the pit of your tummy earlier was beginning to form again, warmth spreading through your chest. You open your eyes again just at the moment when Noah’s hand left your hip to slide in between both your bodies, rough fingers pressing against your swollen clit. Your mouth drops open, a loud moan escaping you. The feeling of his fingers rubbing against your clit as his cock slides in and out of you was enough to make your head spin.

“You like that, baby?” He breathes out, lips dangerously close to your own. You nod quickly, whining out instead of answering properly. “Come on, you know I need words.”

“Fuck.” You choke out, a mix of a cry and a moan leaving you. “Feels so good. Please, don’t stop.”

This spurs him on, another whimper slipping from his lips as his hips snap into your own, pace picking up. You clench around his cock, the tip hitting the spot inside of you over and over again. His fingers never let up against your clit either, matching the pace his thrusts and you swear you feel dizzy, eyes rolling back. You’ve never felt like this before, and you think you prefer his cock inside of you over his fingers, the feeling unbeatable.

Your mind races just at the thought of Noah doing this for you, making you feel like this, wanting to take care of you, and your throat tightens for some reason. Something from deep inside your chest twists and you get the overwhelmingly need to be as close as possible to Noah, your fingers gripping the ends of his hair again.

“Noah.” You whimper out, eyes burning with unexpected tears.

“What is it, baby?” He grits out, eyes never leaving yours. His gaze softens when he notices your eyes watering, hips stuttering for a moment. “Are you okay? Tell me a color.”

You nod quickly, head knocking against his gently, and your hands drop from his hair to wrap around your arms around his neck, trying to pull him closer to you.

“Yes, fuck. Green.” You moan, trying to swallow down the lump that had formed in your throat. “Just feels so fucking good. You make me feel so good, Noah.”

Your words just start pouring out, slurring together almost like you’re drunk, and your cunt clenches around him again. You’re close, so fucking close, you can feel it, and so can Noah.

“Yeah?” He whispers, lips brushing against your own. Your back arches as you give him another nod. “God, you feel so fucking good on my cock, baby. Everything I ever dreamed of.”

His fingers against your clit speed up, and you let out a choked moan at the feeling of the heat in your stomach snapping. The combination of his words and his thrusts, plus the pressure against your clit, has your orgasm hitting you at full force. You’re not sure what kind of noise leaves you, something primal pulling itself from your chest as your vision blurred again. You feel like your body was sent to heaven and back, the most euphoric feeling coursing itself through your veins as your orgasm washed over you.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit.”

You hear Noah groan from above you as he fucked you through your orgasm. You don’t know what comes over you in that moment, but staring up at Noah as he chases his son release, you don’t think you’ve ever seen something so beautiful. Without thinking, you pull him down to you, lips sliding over his sloppily as he continued to fuck into you. A surprised noise leaves him, muffled by your lips, and with one last thrust you feel him still inside of you, spilling his release into the condom.

Silence follows after that, nothing but the sound of the two of you trying to catch your breath filling the room. Noah’s face is buried in the crook of your neck and your arms are still tightly wrapped around him, holding his body against yours. That overwhelming feeling in your chest seems to return, but you can’t even fully think about it, your mind too hazy. You feel exhausted, limbs feeling like mush after two mind blowing orgasms, that you barley even register Noah pulling himself up and out of you slowly.

You watch with hooded eyes that are becoming too hard to even keep open as Noah crawls off the bed, sliding the condom off and throwing it away, searching your room for his boxers before slipping them on. It’s a blur after that, Noah looking for the cloth he had brought in, probably to clean you off, and you barely remember him getting back on the bed, slowly pulling you up to slip clean clothes on your body.

Your back meets the bed again as you flop back down, curling yourself into your bed. It’s never felt comfier, you think, as you feel Noah curl up behind you, pulling your blankets over both of your bodies. His arm feels heavy over your waist, and his lips leave a burning feeling against the back of your neck as he pressed a kiss there.

The last thing you remember is your fingers curling around your hand that rests against your stomach, whispering out, “Thank you,” as sleep finally overtakes you.

[emilem-forevermore]

hey! intro post :D

are you having a panic or anxiety attack? here :)

here is a link to the trevor project (a helpline for queer youth) if you are struggling. remember you deserve love and recovery :)

and if you know me irl, don’t follow me here- go to @peanut-jelly or @squirrelfrienddd or @femininemilem

okay, a bit about me:

personal

my name is ollie, or oli, oliver, or em.

my pronouns: he/xe/fae/they. no she/her or fem terms.

my age: i am a minor. don’t be gross.

my birthday: april 8th! i’m an aries :3

nicknames i've collected: emilem, gay little frat boy, catboy tea, cheeto boy, leaf boy

my height: 5'0! i am tiny :)

i'm happily dating @nyxerer (how! i’m the luckiest boy in the world holy shit)

poetry blog! @emilems-poetry

vent blog: @emilem-is-sad

just another one: @femininemilem

the other one where you can't mention my main bc my friends see it: @peanut-jelly

therian blog: @emilems-a-cat

also just another one: @squirrelfrienddd

i also run one of the color shark blogs, you can figure out which one ;)

i also have a pinterest, spotify account, and scratch account. this isn't something i'll be sharing with the world but if we're moots or smth and you want it lemme know :D

fun facts about me:

i earned a black belt in taekwondo (i no longer do it tho).

i cannot play any instruments but would like to learn guitar one day

i’m a norwegian forest cat therian but i’m fine with being called human/person too @emilems-a-cat

fandoms and interests

music: harry styles ⋆ 1D ⋆ hozier ⋆ noah kahan ⋆ chappell roan ⋆ sabrina carpenter ⋆ taylor swift ⋆ the amazing devil ⋆ a lot more

fandoms: gravity falls ⋆ warrior cats ⋆ heartstopper ⋆ brooklyn nine nine ⋆ only murders in the building ⋆ a good girls guide to murder ⋆ wild life smp + more

interests: poetry (check out @emilems-poetry) ⋆ drawing ⋆ digital art ⋆ writing ⋆ reading ⋆ french ⋆ veterinary sciences ⋆ the human body ⋆ psychology ⋆ hebrew, spanish ⋆ chinese ⋆ italian ⋆ music ⋆nature

check this out:

my favorite post on this website, a slight tw for self harm mentions, but aside from that it's extremely moving and well written and might help if you're feeling down :)

PLEASE:

ask me stuff! i love answering questions

message me if you think i’m cool!!

send me art and poetry!!! it’s so awesome to look at :3

interact w me! i love talking to yall and i don't bite that often

talk to me about heartstopper, poetry, wild life, and noah kahan :)

if i say/do something that upsets you, let me know! i try to do my best to be inclusive and kind but sometimes i mess up so help me out :)

i love my moots more than the world!!! here's a list of some of them:

@hotteststar my first moot and fellow bisexual :)

@rins-batcave my reason /p

@raeprise mon cœur /p

@sparky4577 my brother (not irl but i wish)

@star-dust-shark favorite animal frfr

@crowwolf8 amazing crow

@crowofthestars just really fuckn cool. go follow them!

@thecrazyalchemist my bestie with the coolest name(s) ever

@mrblazeflappybird my cool uncle!!!

@wishiwereheather13 my really cool moot im too nervous to talk to (your banner is so cool btw. just sayin.)

@boldofyoutoassumeicanspell my wise gal i should talk to more

@holiday-spice my favorite seasoning (get it. cause his name is spice. lol.)

@halflingwithaknife i get excited whenever you're in my notifications you're so cool :0

@aflairforthemelodramaticc my father :)

@blaxolt one of the funniest folks i know :3

@catinasink uh. uh youre so cool. wtf im scared of you youre really awesome :0

@theronanlynchshow LITERALLY AWESOME I LOVE SEEIN YA ON MY DASHH AHHH

if you'd like to be added to (or removed from) this list lemme know! i have so many mutuals and i love them all beyond words <3

[frightenedcricket]

One of our songs.

Noah Sebastian x Reader. Fluff.

Note: first noah fic!!!

Warning: none, I think.

You muttered the lyrics written in your notebook while your fingers moved up and down in the air. Noah watched you from the corner of his eye as he pretended to be working on something.

"Is it... Uh... That's how it happened, right? He cheated"

You sighed and turned to look at him.

You had written the song with Noah, mostly based on your ideas and feelings that kept flowing after a few bad weeks. He simply offered a few changes, way to express certain things and how to make it more "singeable".

"Yes"

Noah nodded and mimicked you. Now, you both sat looking at each other.

"Sorry for using your band as therapy" You chuckled.

He laughed and shook his head. "Our pleasure"

You went quiet for a while, both a bit lost in your thoughts.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Any of you liked him, Noah. What would have happened?"

"Yeah, I see your point" He chuckled.

You leaned your head against the chair and watched him. Noah was now looking at the desk.

"Are you sure about the song?"

"For now? It sounds amazing" You said. "Need to hear it from you, and the guys' green light."

Noah nodded. "You can just say no anytime. We won't release it if is too personal"

You grabbed his hand and run your thumb over his knuckles. "Thanks, Noah"

"No, thank you for giving us this lyrics."

"Hey, sorry. There was a lot of traffic." Nicky walked in with sweaty cheeks and his hair quite messy, but had some coffee.

"Nah, don't worry dude. You have to check this" Noah gave you a sweet smile and that's how you started producing the song.

A few days later, you sat with your eyes closed and headphones on, Noah sitting by you in the silent room. It was your first time listening to the song and there was something special on it. It took you a while to figure it out. But when you realized, your mouth opened and you turned to look at him. The other guys were outside having some drinks after a long day, so it was just the two of you.

Noah smirked and crossed his arms.

"It's me" You muttered.

You didn't think they would use it. You had sung the song once. It was recorded and everything, you had agreed. But this...

"Noah" you pushed the headphones back right when his voice came back.

"Listen. We can remove it. We actually have two versions. But if you like it and you agree, we want you to feature in the song."

You didn't know what to say.

"Maybe not like huge thing. But we want your name on it"

"My name is already on it"

"Bigger this time. YN, half of the album is also yours. Do you think we could do this without you?"

"Probably"

He rolled his eyes and grabbed your hand.

"I disagree. It's on you, YN. Feel free"

You considered it for a few seconds. Your voice was there, doing some chorus and melodies. It wasn't a big thing.

"Don't make it too big"

"Promised" You linked your pinkies and smiled sweetly at each other, that warm love between you two obviously showing. Maybe not enough because any of you seemed to notice.

A few minutes later, Noah walked you to the kitchen, where he passed you your drink of choice and lifted his.

"To YN, who finally sings one of our songs."

"To YN!"

Months passed and the song had been released a while ago. It had been a good one, the fans liked it and it sounded good on live.

"YN"

You turned to see Folio by the door.

"Mhm"

"Uh... Can you come with us for a minute?"

Why did you tour with them? Good question. Some days you still wondered what was your job apart from songwriting.

When you left the room, you found all of them looking with suspicious smiles.

"Okay, what's wrong? What have you done?"

"Nothing yet" Jolly chuckled.

"I'm scared"

"We want to ask you something" Noah started.

Then, Nicholas followed:

"What do you think about singing with us on the stage?"

You gasped too loudly, making them all laugh at your genuine reaction.

You needed a few days to prepare for it, attending to rehearsals and sound checks. But it all went smoothly.

"So, I announce you and then you come in."

You nodded with your eyes fixed on Noah's hands. They were the perfect distraction. Tonight was the night and nerves were eating you.

"You will be there, right?"

Noah smiled, more to himself than anything, but if someone had seen him... The guys would have teased him so much.

"Of course. I will always be"

You nodded with a rapid beating heart.

"But listen, we follow you. You can run away if you want to" He chuckled. "It will be fine"

You nodded and grabbed his hand in a sweet thankful gesture.

"Thank you"

"Free therapy, sweetheart"

You chuckled and blushed at the same time. It wasn't usual to hear him call you pet names, but oh how you loved them.

"My actual therapist would hate you for that"

"Sure thing"

Noah got up and lean to kiss your forehead.

"Remember, black outfit"

You rolled your eyes and tried to hid the blush.

"See you in twenty"

You nodded and watched him walk outside the room, leaving you enough space to think about what would happen at the end of the show, how Noah had guided you through the whole process, how he had been singing a song about your shitty ex for weeks now, how him and the guys had allowed you to pour your rage and feelings in that song only to perform it for you, how now they were giving you the opportunity to do it yourself.

"Okay... That's the last one" Matt whispered to you. "Ready?"

You nodded and the manager hugged you.

"Okay, you've got this"

"Now! We have a very special guest tonight" Noah climbed on his step and look at the fans, who shouted at him. "Are you ready!?" They shouted back at him once more. "Make some noise!" He finally growled as Nick's hands finally fell on the drums.

The lights, the music, the fans, the guys... Noah... They waited for you, the signer with a had stretched out.

With an encouraging push from Matt and the mic in your hand, you stepped in the stage. It all became loud, still, Noah waited for you. You grabbed his hand and he pulled you up in the step. And then he let go of you and moved back.

It was refreshing, so relaxing, so... The adrenile filled your veins so soon, as soon as you saw all that people singing back at you, singing those lyrics about such a sad moment. But you also heard him. For this performance, you had switched places. Your voice was the main one as Noah stood behind you. What originally was your voice doing melodies and choruses, was now Noah screaming and growling, which made your skin crawl.

And almost at the end, during the climax, he appeared next to you and grabbed your hand. You turned to him and looked into his eyes. This hadn't been planned. You hadn't rehearsed this but now you were singing together and you felt so light.

You reached the highest note easily, hand in hand, with him screaming one last time. And then it all went dark and the instruments faded. The loud sounds of people filled the theater.

You were shaking, but it was excitement. Then Noah pulled you to his body and you felt yourself coming back to reality again. His tall lanky body engulfed you and his strong arms kept you close. So close. You hugged him back and gripped his turtleneck so hard you could have ripped it.

Your chest were pressed and you were breathing hard. Then, still in the dark stage, only with faint white background lights, Noah kissed your temple and you felt a wave of feelings. It was there, right there.

The lights came back and he faced the stage, still with his arm around your shoulders. You tried to focus on something else, maybe Folio by your other side who was ruffling your hair, or the fans... But still it was only him you could think of. You stayed with them for the last goodbye to the fans.

You were the one who left the stage first, almost hyperventilating and with your ears buzzing.

You heard them behind you, congratulating each other and hugging.

You turned around and your eyes fell on his, he was already looking at you.

"Noah" You whispered.

He only saw you mouthing his name, but stopped walking. The guys passed you.

"Noah" You repeated his name. He nodded. He knew, he could feel it too.

You finally walked to him and your bodies clashed. Then your lips. You kissed fervousily and your hands roamed his sweaty hair. His arms wrapped around your body and pulled you impossibly close.

The kiss was intense, hard... Teeth clashed, tongues played with each other and little noises escaped you both. You could still hear the eco of the fans outside. But that was all. There was nothing else but Noah.

"Oh god" You panted as you pulled back. With your forehead against his and your hands on his tattooed neck, you could feel his quick pulse. "Noah"

"Yes" He nodded and moved his hand to the side of your face. You both still had your eyes closed and your lips wet from the kiss. Your body only begged for more.

Noah kissed you once more, softly this time, tilting your head back so he could kiss you deeper. "I'm here" He whispered in your mouth.

You finally opened your eyes and he looked at you.

"I love you" That was all you need to hear.

[dragoncopper]

The Apparition

Summary: You have been feeling a presence for months. You are sure that you are losing your mind. But then the presence makes itself known to you. Your soulmate finally found you. Word Count: 20k (take a moment) Pairing: Female Reader x Noah Sebastian Warnings: Major character death. Lots of talk about death. Smut - oral sex (f receiving), p in v, unprotected sex, fluffy loving sex, fingering. More warnings: This is the first work I have written that I am posting. I really hope someone enjoys it.

The continuation or bonus chapter... here.

The whole story on A03 here.

A/N While this is mostly a fluff piece, there are quite sad moments in the story and lots of crying. This is a work of fiction. There are mentions of Noah's past and as we do not have good information, I filled in the blanks. This is not an accurate depiction of his past.

I used Noah's playlist on Spotify to help me with music choices. These are, however, the songs that I felt fit with the story: Sleep Token - The Apparition (obviously). Sleep Token - Telomeres. Hozier - Work Song.

I have proofread it myself, so there might (for sure) be some errors.

I will post a link to A03 also.

1. You You would not say that you believed in ghosts. Not at all. It made no sense and your brain needed something to make sense for you to accept it. However, lately you have been noticing things, and it has been happening for a while, but you have always made it off as nothing. Surely, you just made a mistake, forgot that you had done it. But it has come to the point where you cannot deny it anymore.

It started with simple things, like you would be certain that you did not leave your pen there on the desk. Sure that you did not open the curtains in your bedroom. Items in cupboards just slightly out of place. These things were so easy to dismiss as nothing. But then you started feeling like someone was in the room with you, a presence – this was not a scary feeling at all, more comforting, like the presence was there for good reasons. You sometimes felt a slight warmth, like a breath near you. Even your pet would look at something that you could not see, never reacting in an alarming way but just looking.

Intellectually, you knew it did not make sense. You also knew that if you were really feeling these things, it should probably worry you more than what it did.

Dreams have been more vivid, you still have a hard time remembering what you dream, but they have changed. You would often wake up feeling incredibly sad, even crying. You would also wake up mid-laugh with no memory of what caused these emotions in you. And most damning was that you would be sure that you had been held – still feeling the warmth of an arm around you or a hand holding yours, even though you were very much alone in your bed.

This was not limited to your home. Although it was rare, you would occasionally feel a hand on the small of your back when you were stressed, a hand on your shoulder when you would start to panic, a whispered ‘breathe’ when you became angry.

Because your brain longed for logic, because you have always been one to look for rational explanations, you had tried to figure it out. Your conclusions came to the fact that you probably needed to see a professional. But you did not do that. You do not really know why not.

One night you woke up, not sure what woke you, but there was an unmistakable hand holding yours. You felt the weight of it, the heat, the size. You took a deep breath and tried to stay calm, because you couldn’t see anything in the dark. You squeezed the hand gently and it reciprocated with equal tenderness. You reached your other hand over to feel, too scared to move the hand being held. But you knew if you tried to touch this hand it would disappear and that just broke your heart, made it clench in pain. So, you left it. You just held the hand, trying to get information about the hand without seeing it or moving again. The hand was larger than yours, long slender fingers and it held yours with deliberateness.

Another night you were woken by a voice whispering your name, right by your ear. You were sure that it was him even though him talking or making any sound was very rare. You woke up, smelling smoke and immediately shot up to see what was going on. A field nearby had caught fire, causing big billows of orange smoke to be visible when you looked out the window. You could see the flames, but it wasn’t near enough to be of danger to you, but the wind was blowing some of the smoke in your direction so you closed the windows. You were almost relieved when you smelled the smoke on the curtains the next morning, because you were sure for a second, you had dreamt the whole thing.

Things started escalating as soon as October hit.

You would feel the bed dip with a weight behind you, but no one was ever there. When you unlocked your phone in the morning, a song would be paused, ready to play. It was sometimes songs you knew and loved and sometimes songs you had never heard, never knew existed. The song would always have something in it that you needed – lyrics that made you feel hopeful or even just a fun song to lighten your mood. You would always try to accept the message as best as you could. You felt the hand in yours more often. You realised it was not as often as you would have liked.

The disappointment in you when no song waited for you in the morning was enough to ruin your day. You knew that you were losing your mind – and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

2. Noah I was near her and that was what was important. I knew that I was better when I was near her. More real. But I kept reliving a moment in my life that evening and it just would not stop. I knew that my emotions bled through to her often, so I tried so hard to keep these memories at bay because they were not pleasant for me and I knew she would feel some of it in some way.

Memories were very vague for me, there was so much of my life and who I was that I just cannot recall. But certain pieces were clear, some just less fuzzy. I sometimes did not even know myself.

The memory was of the day that I died. This one was annoyingly clear. The sun was shining bright, it was a hot day. I had the window of the car rolled down. When my dad lost control of the vehicle everything slowed down in my mind, like I had time to process and stop what was happening, prevent this tragedy from taking the lives of everyone in that car that day. But I couldn’t. I remember bracing my hand on the roof of the car as it started to flip, my head being smashed so painfully against the frame of the car. The continuous motion that felt like it went on for so long. When it finally stopped, I was lying there, the sun burning me as I watched blood pooling around us. Most of the blood came from a head wound my father had sustained. I knew they were all dead. I knew I was too. I made it the longest, only officially dying in the hospital a few hours later. All alone.

I cannot even remember what car we were in. I cannot remember who else was in the car. I cannot remember what my father looked like. But the feeling of my pain shooting through my body was detailed in my mind. Did I even have a mind anymore? Over and over this played. I knew she was dreaming about it when she started clenching her hands into fists and her breathing became uneven. I did not want her to have bad dreams. She would not even understand where this dream came from.

I have been able to touch things lately. Not just accidental movements after trying for ages like it has been for years. I have tried leaving her notes in the beginning. But I could never hold the pen successfully. It took immense concentration in the beginning, but it has been getting easier slowly. Now I could leave her notes if I wanted to, but what do I say to her after years of being here with her. She can hear me sometimes, but I do not want to scare her. I try to be subtle. Sometimes I just feel like she needs me. And I wish I could be what she needed so bad. So, this evening, I lay down next to her and hold her fists between my hands as best I can. Hoping to provide some comfort while we both live through the accident repeatedly.

3. You You woke gasping through a sob. Your head hurt, your muscles were so tense, but you remembered a lot of the dream. You knew the images were not yours. You knew you had to keep remembering. So, you leap out of bed as fast as you can, head pounding at the sudden movement. You went straight for a pen and the first scrap of paper you could reach. You wrote down some of the images before they flew away never to be recalled again.

Car accident. Yellow car. Blood. Tattoos.

You tried to think of more. You really tried so hard, and added ‘hospital’ to the list. A fat tear splashed on the paper and then only did you realise you were still sobbing. You stood up straight, wiped your cheeks and tried to take a deep breath, but it shook. You got ready for work, washing your face with cold water. The whole day, you were distracted and you could not focus. You have had dreams that were strange before, where you couldn’t remember the details. Writing down the memories of this one worked so well, that while you were constantly clutching at the crumpled paper in your pocket, you didn’t need it anymore, you knew the words on the paper so well now.

The tattoos were new. You knew it was significant. You feel like the accident was strangely familiar to you in a way, but the tattoos that covered the arms and hands of the person was a new detail. You regularly closed your eyes throughout the day trying to visualize what they looked like. There were tattoos on his neck also, but his face was clear, pale and smooth. You always had a feeling he was a man. A male? You felt sure now. You felt utter frustration that you could not remember what the tattoos were of.

You took a deep breath when you felt a warmth on your shoulder. He was here. Focus on anything you could remember, even if it seemed silly, you told yourself.

Red, there were red features in a mostly black and grey mass of art covering his arms. You hoped it was not blood that you saw.

You saw blood pooling from wounds sustained in the accident. So much blood. The driver had black hair. And he had dark hair also, but not black.

Then an image shot through your head of a hand pressing flat against the roof of the car in desperation to stop himself from getting hurt. The hand was the most clear, vivid image you have ever managed about him. The hand was really large, with slender fingers, exactly what you felt when your hand was held during the night. But now you had bright light shining on it and you knew so much more. The nails were short and neat. The thumb was bony and stood out far to the side. The tattoos were so clear, there was no way your mind could have come up with this. An image of a goat with red eyes and a red horn on the back of his hand, very elaborate calligraphy on his knuckles and a Leaf-Village symbol on his index finger. A crescent moon right where his index finger meets his hand on his thumb’s side.

You grabbed a pen and tried drawing what you could remember, it was not great, but it was something. You took the drawing, the paper from your pocket which you tried to smooth out and put them between the pages an empty notebook you found in your bookshelf. That evening, you placed the book and a pen right by your bed in case you needed to take notes again.

You had taken medication during the day to calm yourself down and to help with the pounding headache, so you fell asleep quite easily. You felt his hand rest on your arm as you were falling asleep and you pictured the tattoo there.

4. Noah There was a strange hopefulness in me as I watched her draw the picture of the back of my hand. She truly saw me in the dream. I wished that it could have been a better dream, one that was not terrible for the both of us. But it clearly stuck with her.

As I was laying with her, that very hand resting on her arm, I wondered if there were other ways I could tell her who I am. Who I was. Despondently, I tell myself, yet again, that I barely knew who I was. I could not even remember my name.

Since the tattoos got her attention though, I searched through my mind to find a memory that had something to do with my tattoos. I could see them all on myself now. I had many. Sparser on the legs but still so many to choose from. I thought of the Moon Lady on my leg, I had fond memories of getting her done. Not super specific, but I was laughing with the artist. It felt lighter, happier and I kept thinking of that, while slowly making circles with my fingers on her skin.

5. You Yellow walls, framed pictures, happiness.

You were laying on the couch, your hair damp from the shower, the window open to allow the cool morning breeze in. Your eyes were closed as you tried to relive the dream you had last night. The whole vibe was so different from the previous dreams that you enjoyed it and felt such relief to not feel your heart clench, the moment you woke up, with sadness.

He was getting a tattoo done on the outside of his left leg, just above the ankle. He was laying down then sitting up - constantly changing position throughout. The artist was a man about his age, with a mass of dark hair pulled back in a mess at the back of his head. While you couldn’t know what they were talking about, there was clearly a bond between them, joking and laughing all the while. You tried to focus on him. You needed to know more. His hair was long, well past his shoulders. Dark brown eyes. A smile that made your heart clench. He smiled with his whole face. His eyes squinting almost shut, a brief exhale with white teeth showing. He would also pull a pained face every now and then from the tattoo gun dragging across his skin.

You tried to get clues about the tattoo shop, to look out of a window, but his attention was focused on his friend and you couldn’t really get anything useful. You wish you could record the dreams and go through them frame by frame.

You felt fingers carefully touching your hair. You keep your eyes closed trying to determine if it was maybe the breeze, but it was definitely not. You were always so scared of scaring him away if you were to look or even reach out and touch his hand back.

The fingers started to gently comb through, as gentle as every time he decided to touch. It was rare during the day, it mostly happened when he thought you were sleeping. You sighed deeply, enjoying the feeling. And then you smell him. It was brief whiff of clean, fresh, masculine.

Tears well up immediately and you do not even know why.

You swallow, take a deep breath and decide to be brave. “Can you hear me?” you whispered.

The hand disappeared from your hair. You did not move. You waited a while and then you felt the hand back at your hair, stroking a strand away from your face. You hold your hand out, palm up. “Can you hear me?” you ask again. A single finger strokes a line in your palm. Your breath catches. The touch sent a wave of goosebumps across your whole body.

“Who are you?” you asked. You wait for a long time and get no answering touch. “Do you know who you are?” it was the only thing you could think of. A moment, then a cross was drawn in your palm. Your heart starts to beat so much faster. You sit up, folding your legs in front of you, keeping your eyes closed. You placed a hand on each knee, palm up. You felt such nervousness, not wanting to scare him off, but desperately wanting answers. You needed to ask carefully.

“Do you have tattoos? Did you have tattoos?” you grimace, not knowing how to approach this with more tact if you did not have more information. One line on your left palm. Yes. “Why are you here? With me?” You get no response. “Do you know why you are here?” You try again. Again, no response. You badly wanted to open your eyes. You do not even know why you were keeping them shut. You blink them open and you see absolutely nothing out of the ordinary.

“Are you still here?” One line. Yes.

“Are you trapped here?” A cross. No.

“Do you know who I am?” Yes.

“Did you die?” your voice is barely audible. Yes.

“In a car accident?” Yes. “I am sorry.” He squeezed your hand.

“Do you need help?” No response. “Do you need closure or peace or something?” No.

“I am not afraid of you. Should I be?” No.

Each of his reactions were slow and deliberate. It felt so real when he touched your hand that you wanted to close your eyes again, so that you could picture him there. But he was there. You needed to know the rules of this. He has spoken before. “Can you speak?” A hesitant no.

“You have spoken to me before?” Yes.

“But you cannot now?” No.

“Only sometimes?” Yes.

He took both of your hands, and pulled them together, giving a brief squeeze before the hands disappeared. No more questions.

6. Noah I enjoyed it when she was home the whole day, because it was so much easier to stay present. I was not always. I disappeared sometimes. She was puttering around her small place dressed in stretchy pants and a large shirt, her hair messy. She was so beautiful like this.

She had on a playlist of all the songs I have left her. I could not understand how I could not remember my own name, but had a whole cache of music in my brain. My head?

Each song I chose was with a reason, but it often worried me she would see the wrong reason. She would stop what she is doing every now and then to listen to the lyrics, sometimes even looking them up. Sometimes she looked at her phone with an expression on her face that clearly said she did not like the song, it made me smile. Some songs she would straight up laugh at me – it felt like that. Some she would sit and listen, nodding along or tears welling up. Some songs she knew and she would sing along and even dance. I joined her, but she did not notice.

Things have changed since our limited conversation. I did not scare her and that made me bold. When she was on the couch, listening to the music still, legs crossed as she lay with her arms above her head, I sat by her. When she fell asleep, I got closer and ran the back of my fingers across her cheek. She leaned into my touch, a small smile on her face. Maybe she was not as asleep as I had thought. So, I kept stroking her skin, then traced an eyebrow, ran a finger down her nose. She reacted so perfectly. Times like this I wish I were real with more heartache and passion than I could explain.

“Thank you for the songs,” she exhaled. I cupped her cheek then. I kissed her forehead.

She felt it, because her eyes shot open, but she could not see me. She had a blush on her cheeks. Adorable.

“Did you just….?” She could not finish the question. Her palm was not ready for me to answer, but I as soon as I touched her hand, she flattened her hand, and I answered her.

She was quiet so long I started to panic, thinking I had crossed a line. I managed a soft, whispered, “Sorry.” This was easier it seemed when I was in stressed.

Her eyes went wide, and she looked around, but she still could not see me. “I heard you,” she beamed. “Don’t be sorry, it was sweet.” I felt relief.

She touched her fingers to her forehead where I had kissed her. After some time, she said, “I don’t know if you have control over what I see in my dreams about you… but you need to give me a clue so I can figure this out.” I drew a line in her palm, meaning that I will try.

I tried very hard, putting all my concentration into it, “Is it okay that I am here?” I whispered.

She frowned. “Did you ask if it was okay that you are here?” she whispered back.

Yes.

She took a long breath before she answered. “In the beginning, I was sure that I was losing my sanity. I was a maybe a little afraid. But you became a pleasant addition to my days.”

I smiled at her, but she did not know.

“I miss you sometimes,” she added. “Where do you go when you are not here?”

“I don’t know,” I managed.

“How long have you been here?”

“Years.”

“Years,” she exclaimed. Her face contorted in confusion. “I was not aware of that. You never made yourself known.”

“Couldn’t.”

“Why here? Why me?”

I could not get another answer out. So instead, I placed my hand in hers, pressing our palms together.

7. You You woke up gently with your fingers wrapped around two of his fingers. Without letting go, you stretched and rubbed your eyes with the other hand. “You did it,” you said sleepily. You turn back to where he had to be next to you, and brought your other hand up to cup his. If you kept your eyes closed, you could forget that he was not real, that is how solid he felt. “I saw you walk out of the tattoo shop,’ you sigh. “I saw the sign.” His other hand joined. “I just need to figure out how that leads me to you.” You got up later and sat at your computer with a cup of coffee ready to start the search. Mixed emotions coursed through you. You typed the name of the tattoo shop and immediately got a list of results. It was in a small town very far from where you were now. You have visited this town before, loved it, thought of going back many times. You were confused by this information. How did he end up here, so far away, with you?

Now that you knew the location, you knew what had to be searched next. But you did not really want to. Getting answers here would make everything too real. It would take away the small morsel of hope you had.

You felt his hand on your shoulders, quietly encouraging you to continue.

You typed in the name of the town followed by 'fatal car accidents'.

There were not many results, but you reluctantly started clicking through, reading news articles and other bits, quickly skipping if you saw it was not the one you needed. Eventually you clicked on a short article in the digital newspaper. It had a small black and white photo and your whole chest felt constricted. It was him. You read through it slowly.

You turn your chair around completely, so you could face him, held your hands out and he took both with his. “This is a little confusing,” you breathe. He squeezed. “You were alone in the car when you… “

He took one of his hands away. “The article says it was dark and the roads were slippery from rain and that you must have lost control of the car. It doesn’t give much more than that,” by this time you were speaking so softly. You gave him a moment, knowing this is not what he remembered. “In the dreams the sun was so bright,” you add. You knew he understood.

“Your name is Noah,” you finally said it out loud. His name feeling almost familiar on your tongue. He takes your hand again and squeezes so hard it is almost painful. “Noah Sebastian Davis.”

Then, while the tears are gathering in your eyes, one of them escaping and slipping down your cheek, your heart breaking for this man that was not really there, you saw a flicker of him. Like signals were lost in his broadcast and saw him on his knees in front of you his head hanging, his hair, cut short, falling forward, while his hands were up in yours.

You suck in a breath so fast, and feel tingling goosebumps run through your whole body. You tried to keep your cool, not knowing what to say. He was processing some significant news and you did not want to be insensitive by freaking out about seeing him. Even if it was brief, the image was seared into your mind. The stunning beauty of the man kneeling in front of you would be easy to recall and you would do so often.

Once you have calmed down, you tried to focus again. “Do you remember this accident at all?” you asked him. He drew a cross in your palm. “I will figure it out, don’t worry,’ you reassure him. “We will put the puzzle together.” He squeezed your hands again, both of them.

You hear a faint and sad, “Thank you.”

“I’m sorry it was not happier news,” you say equally softly.

“Thank you for my name,” he clarifies.

You squeeze your eyes shut, realising what a big deal it must be for him to know that. “It suits you,” you say with a small smile.

That night as you were reading before it was time to sleep, you felt the dip on the bed and then an arm drape around your middle. You smiled sleepily and put the book down. “I saw you today, Noah,” you said. “When I was telling you the news, I saw you for a moment.” His arm tightened briefly. But other than that, you got no response. You fell asleep feeling the weight of his arm, seeing the image of him in your mind.

8. Noah I was lying next to her, she was sleeping deeply, her deep steady breaths accompanied by the lightest of snores. Learning this knowledge about myself was such a peculiar feeling that I did not know what to make of it. My name felt foreign and so familiar at the same time. How could I not have known my own name. But knowing it felt like such an important piece of the puzzle of who I was. I would say the name, trying it out, often. My name was a bigger shock that finding out that I did not die like I thought. My mind must have gotten things mixed up. But knowing I was alone in the car was a relief. Such a small mistake. And it cost me so much. I am aware that I do not even know everything that I am missing out on. But the heaviest of the burdens was not meeting her for real. The real me. Because I know we would have. I know it. Our souls have a bond that I cannot explain. It aches in me to know what we are both missing out on because of my mistake.

She sighed, rolled over, her arm reaching out and came to rest across my ribcage. Or where my ribcage should be. This was the first time this has happened. Normally when she rolls over where I am, she goes right through me, and she does not even know. Now, she is holding me. She knows, even in her sleep, she tightened her hold, pulling us closer together.

My moments of realness have been happening more often. I was trying to figure out why, what causes it, so I can make it happen more often. High emotions on my part definitely seem to play a role. But her feelings were also a factor. Hers were harder to solve. But I felt like I knew her better than I knew myself. In my bones, in my soul, I knew her. As she was getting to know me, it made me more real to her. But it had a physical effect on me also.

I rest my hand on her arm, and try to wiggle closer to her. I rest my lips against her forehead. ***

I leave a song on her phone. A calm but uplifting song in major. I want her to feel peace and contentment, because I do after hours of holding each other. She plays it on repeat while she gets dressed, brushes her teeth, fixes her hair. I watch her do mundane things all the time, my soul feeling at peace whenever I am near her. But, also, I feel so strongly for her that even the mundane is magical when she is doing it.

She is in a good mood this morning. Her usual morning grumpiness almost absent completely. While she is making breakfast for herself, she is moving to the song still playing, swaying with the sounds. I take a big risk and go behind her, placing my hands on her hips. She pauses and sucks in a breath, realises it was only me and relaxes again.

I have kept touching to hands only for so long, that the new sensation of her holding me while she sleeps and touching her so casually is overwhelming to me.

“Close your eyes,” I whisper right by her ear and I can see the goosebumps rise across the skin of her neck. Without hesitation she closes her eyes. The trust she has in me.

I turn her around, and rest my arms around her middle and start to sway the both of us side to side. Her hands reached out, her eyes still closed, and felt around, touching my chest, flattening her palms against me and running them upwards, slowly until she found my shoulders, resting her hands there close to my neck. She swayed with me happily, until she started to shuffle her feet to get us to start rotating slowly on the spot in the kitchen, her breakfast forgotten.

She was smiling in the beginning, but by the second play through of the song the smile faded and tears started falling from her shut eyes. Her lip and chin were quivering, like she was trying to hold back. I wiped away the tears on her cheeks, holding her face for a moment and then holding her closer to me, so that her head was resting against my chest. I was a lot taller than her. She cried for a while, keeping her eyes squeezed shut – I knew why.

“Why are you never real?” she asked, her voice strained. I had nothing to say. I just held her tighter.

9. You He has not been present for a few days. You are worried and you miss him more than you care to admit. He is in the back of your mind the whole time, even when you are busy with other things. You have saved the photo of him from the newspaper on your phone and you look every so often. You think about the change in hairstyle from that day you saw him when you told him his name.

You are worried that the whole thing was all in your imagination. You also worry about why he would stay away this long if it was not your imagination. Every day you wish and hope that he would show up, be home when you got there, that he would leave you a song, a sign, anything.

It was six days after the dance in the kitchen when he was back. And the relief you felt was immense. You woke up in the middle of the night, and he was wrapped around you. Never before have you felt so much of him. His legs were tangled with yours, his arm around you pulling you back into his chest, his head in your hair. It was the best feeling.

You have stopped trying to make sense of this. You knew he was not real. But yet, he was so real. You had no idea how you could feel him, hear him and know this ghost or spirit or entity so well. You held him too, gripping his arm, as best you could, drinking in the feeling of having him back.

“Do I make you sad?” he whispered to you. His voice sent shivers down your spine.

“No,” you answer immediately, no thought necessary. “Why would you think that?” you whisper back.

“You cry often when I’m with you,” he said so softly it was barely audible.

You swallow and take moment. “I am sad sometimes. I feel sad about what happened to you. I feel sad that I could not meet you before it happened. But you do not make me sad.”

You feel him nod against you in understanding. He squeezed you with his whole body. He is real this evening like never before.

“Is that why you left?” you say turning to look at him even though you could not see him.

“Yes,” he breathes. “I don’t want you to be sad.”

Emotion wells up in your chest so much that it aches. But you swallow the tears. Instead, you take a breath and force more neutral tone to your voice. “You make the sadness better. I always feel better when you are here. I really missed you.”

“I’m sorry,” he kisses behind your ear. “I missed you, too.”

“Where did you go?”

“I don’t really go anywhere. If I am not here or with you, I kind of disappear,” he explains. “I came to check on you a few times.”

“I didn’t realise,” you say.

“I will always check if you are okay,” he says, his voice fuller.

“Why me?” you asked him, not for the first time.

He was quiet for a long time before he answered. “After I died, my whole being knew I had to find you. My soul, or whatever, went straight to you. I didn’t know why. But when I found you, everything felt right.”

You have never heard his voice this much; it was deep and beautiful. You could listen to him forever. What he was saying was even better. “It does feel right,” you agree.

“I think I can hold you and talk to you from sheer relief that I am near you again,” he says this quickly.

“I am not complaining,” you smile. Keeping your eyes shut, just in case, despite the fact that it was dark in the room, you turn to face him and blindly search until you have your hand on his cheek, you feel his soft skin with slight stubble. How is he not real? “Please don’t leave again.”

Then he presses his lips against yours, slowly and deliberately. You inhale deeply through your nose. He was warm against you, you felt how his lips molded into the kiss, his body pulling yours closer. He pulls away, only to kiss you again and again. He was firm but gentle. It was everything.

“Fuck,” he exhales. “I have wanted to do that for years.”

With those words leaving his mouth, you see him again. You didn’t even realise your eyes were open. But in the dark you saw his outline, his dark hair a contrast against his pale skin. You wanted all the lights on, but you knew it would break whatever spell was cast in this moment.

So instead, keeping your eyes open to try and not miss a thing, you kiss him and you are more forceful than he was. His hand comes up over your ear as he holds you, and when you part your lips slightly to deepen the kiss he moans sweetly and does the same. Your eyes close because you could not help it. It was too good, too much and not enough. His hands were not still for long, his impossibly long fingers in your hair, in the shell of your ear, his thumb stroking your skin. When his tongue touches yours, so soft, the sensation courses through your whole body and you grip him, trying to get him closer, as close as you can get. He makes sounds that sound like desperation. You could die from this and your ghost would be his.

You fall asleep with your head on his shoulder, him stroking your hair, his one thigh between yours. If you could keep your eyes open all night you would, you were terrified of missing one moment.

But, gloriously, when you opened your eyes with the first rays of sunshine coming through the curtains, he was still there and visible. You were facing each other, still close together, clinging to each other almost. You had to pull your head back a bit to see his face properly. You drank him in, struggling to resist the urge to touch. His hair, shorter than the photo you have, messy, forward over his forehead, hiding his eyebrows. The slight pout on his lips, the slight stubble on his face. He was perfection. Literally nothing on his face was less than perfect.

You traced a finger down the length of his straight nose, lightly. When he started to wake up, he started fading and your heart sank. “Noah,” you say watching him fade into nothing.

“I’m right here,” he says, pulling you closer.

10. Noah “What are you doing?” She is sitting up in bed, back propped up against pillows, the glow from her tablet illuminating her face.

She startled a bit, looked in my direction, but I knew she couldn’t see me right now. “Research,” she said her eyes back to the screen. “I think I have found something.”

“What did you find?” I sit next to her, close enough that I could see the screen too.

She winced. “It’s not all good news, unfortunately,” she starts. “From what I could gather, you were twenty-seven when you died. The dream I had of you dying with other people was bothering me, because the article said you were alone. Also, in the dream the sun was so bright.”

I just scooted closer. Talking was a bit difficult this evening. I laid my head on her shoulder.

She leaned into me before she carried on. “You were in another car crash when you were eleven, with your dad and other people. Everyone died in that crash, except for you. You must have combined the memories in your mind.”

Flashes of the blood pooling went through my head and suddenly I could see my younger self there instead. Absolute panic knowing everyone was dead, being pretty sure I was too. It made sense.

“Then I also know the tattoo artist’s name. Nicholas Ruffilo. You were very close friends; I found his social media and there are some photos of the two of you.”

She swiped through some photos and I felt a tug in my chest at these memories that I could not really remember. But I felt a connection to him if nothing else. It was the strangest feeling, seeing myself, knowing it is me, but not feeling the full link I was supposed to.

“It’s strange, isn’t it,’ she said putting her hand in the direction of my knee, finding it eventually and keeping it there as a reassuring gesture. I nod against her. “Do you remember any of this?”

“Not really,” I manage to whisper.

“Lots of instruments and middle fingers in the photos,” she snorts lightly.

I chuckled quietly.

“I can’t find any information about your dad, however. I think it’s a dead end there. But I can try and make contact with him,” she gestures to the photos, “I am sure he will have information.”

“Maybe.”

“Is it too much?” she asks.

I take her hand when I reply, “It’s a bit overwhelming, yes. But thank you.” I kiss her cheek.

“Okay, I will wait,” she says tenderly and puts the tablet away. She then comes closer and places her forehead against my one cheek, her free hand cupping my other cheek. It is a gesture of comfort. “Sorry if I pried too much.”

I shake my head, bringing the hand I was holding up to kiss it. “I appreciate you.”

I start to maneuver myself that I am between her legs, laying on my stomach, resting my head on her chest. I wrap my arms around her as much as a can. I can feel her heartbeat against my ear, I breathe her in. She wiggles slightly lower on the pillows and immediately holds me back, her arm across my back, then she gently scratches across my back, sending pleasurable shivers through me. Her one leg even hooks over one of mine.

“I appreciate you, too.” She says after some time.

“This,” I sigh, “is so much more than I ever thought I could wish for.” I whisper hoping my ability to talk does not slip away. “When I came to you, I thought I would just hang here forever, never being able to interact with you at all.”

Her scratching continues rhythmically. “You being here has made my life so much better,” she whispered back.

I was eternally grateful for her acceptance of this entire situation exactly the way it was. With neither of us really understanding anything. But I was not sure if it was as good for her as it was for me. Regardless of how I feel, I was still not real.

11. You There was a song waiting for you, it was almost every morning now. It was upbeat with a female voice. You listened while waiting for the kettle to boil. As usual you took a while to fully wake up, so at first you had it at low volume, not really listening with attention yet. A lot of the times, Noah’s intention was the vibe and not necessarily the lyrics.

But a few play throughs later, as you were sipping your coffee a few words were captured by your brain and you stopped mid-swallow. You grab your phone and sure enough you were not imagining it. Touching Yourself by The Japanese House.

Your mind starts sounding like static in your own ears as you try to process what this means. Because you have wondered a few times how often he is present without you knowing. You knew he was not always present or whatever. You also trusted that he would leave you in moments that would require privacy, like bathroom moments and so on. You would also be lying to yourself if you did not admit that it has crossed your mind many times in certain moments; whether he was watching.

With your face hidden in your hands, you say, “Noah, are you here?”

“Yes,” he says sheepishly.

“Where are you?” you asked, looking up, but you could not see him.

“I am by the fridge,” he says.

You felt stupid as you look in the general direction of the fridge to talk to him, you were certainly looking in the wrong place, you often thought it must be funny sight to him. “This song,” you start.

“Yeah,” he says. You can hear the smile in his voice.

“What are you…” you trail off, the awkward feeling getting stronger by the second. “Are you trying to tell me something.”

“I guess so,” he says. There is a breathiness to his voice, like he is laughing.

“This one was not for the vibes?” you say your voice small.

“Well, no,” he says he sounded slightly closer. “The vibes are nice though.”

“Oh God,” you say hiding your face again. Not knowing if you should laugh or panic. “You were there?”

“Please don’t be embarrassed,” he says, very close now, but you almost want to back away from him.

“Noah, what the hell?” You are panicking and laughing at the same time, since your brain did not know which one to pick. You look up, wishing you could see his face to help you read the situation better.

“I’m sorry,” he says, “I left as soon as I could. But…”

He takes your hands, and this anchors you. You knew where he was and felt him, making it easier to have this conversation a tiny bit. “But,” you say loudly, needing him to finish his thought.

“I cannot always make myself leave, you know,” he says. “I do not always listen to my own instructions.”

“You could have to told me you were there,” you say your voice getting higher in pitch each time you speak.

“I couldn’t make a sound and I was turned away, in the corner trying to leave.”

“You were trapped!?”

“No, that sounds harsh, I just couldn’t do what I knew I had to,” his voice calmer and lower.

Your brain was trying and failing to come up with something to reply with.

“I knew then that I had to tell you that this was a thing that could happen. I don’t want to be creepy. But I didn’t know how to bring it up,” he says his voice soft.

Despite your blush, you burst out laughing, head thrown back, from your belly. He flickered into view. You saw relief and shock on his face. “You decide to tell me with that song!?” You look him right in the eye now.

“Was it that silly?” he asked.

“Yes, you could have just said it. But I appreciate the thought you put into this one.” You grab his face and kiss him quickly. “I am still embarrassed, though.”

“Seriously, don’t be. But, in the future?” he asked.

“Well,” you say feeling weirdly emboldened. “In the future, I will ask if you are there.”

“And then you’ll tell me to fuck off,” he nods.

“Yes,” you kiss his chin, it was all you could reach without him leaning down. “Or, I’ll invite you to stay if you want to.”

His eyes widen as he looks at you, a small smile forming on his lips. “Interesting.”

12. Noah She had the car packed and ready for the very long drive. I was going to tag along as far as it was possible for me to do. But I was very uneasy and nervous about the whole thing. At the same time, I felt excited. I did not know what to expect really. I knew this could be very eye opening or devastating, and mostly for her sake, I hoped it was a good experience.

She had contacted Nicholas and the only excuse she had to see him was to make an appointment for a tattoo. Then she obsessed over which tattoo to get, was in communication with him about the design and decided on a date and time. I had a lot of input on the tattoo and I loved that she even asked me.

We stopped at a store where she ran in for snacks, me following behind, telling her to buy marshmallows. I missed them.

I knew she was not able to see me during most of the drive, but I put myself in charge of the music. She would tell me to skip or make requests if she felt strongly, but mostly we could listen and sing along quite pleasantly. I was nervous about the length of the drive and that she might start feeling sleepy so I kept things upbeat.

“Are you nervous?” I asked her.

“Yes,” she said immediately. “How do I have this conversation without sounding like a crazy person?”

“I think you just need to be honest.” I said helpfully.

“Noah, honesty is not going to do the trick here. I need to convince him that this,” she waves her hand in my direction, “is happening without being weird. This is going to for sure be weird.”

I try to feed her a marshmallow from the packet, but she shakes her head. “Maybe you should wait until the tattoo is finished. What if he chases you out or something?” She looks at me in the wrong place, in horror.

“I didn’t think of that,” she said.

We stop about half way to fill up the car, she went to the bathroom and got a coffee. She was tired, so we did a sing along for a while to get her more alert.

“What if you find out something about me that you don’t like,” I finally ask what has been bothering me most.

She was quiet for a moment while she thought about it. “I am not very worried about that,” she said. “It did cross my mind, but I am sure there won’t be anything that bad. We all have pasts and did things we are not proud of.”

“I am terrified about what you might find.”

She reached out and I grabbed her hand, interlacing our fingers. “Don’t be,” she smiled reassuringly. “You let me know when I need to stop, and I will.”

We held hands the rest of the way, or my hand was on her thigh.

When we got to the bed and breakfast she immediately went for a shower and I waited for her on the bed. She came out of the bathroom wearing her usual oversized t-shirt she slept in, her legs bare, hair wet. She grabbed her pillow from her bag, threw it on the bed and then towel dried her hair before sitting on the bed next to me.

13. You You were restless, you were stressed and nervous and you felt like something was crawling over your skin. You kept turning, flipping the pillow, taking a sip of water and you just could not settle down. You were exhausted from the drive, but you just could not let go and fall asleep.

Next thing you knew, Noah grabs you around your waist, whispered, “Come here,” and pulls your back so that you are between his legs, your head resting on his shoulder. He pushed the covers off to one side and his large hands were firmly running up and down your arms, like he was trying to get rid of the crawling feeling. He grabbed your hand every now and again when he made his way down your arm, he ran his hand through your hair. “You are okay,” he whispered. “Breathe,” he said.

You did not need much encouragement for that part, because his hands all over you made your breath quicken and deepen. You squeezed your legs together and tried to stop yourself from grabbing him back. You close your eyes firmly and turn your head towards him and press your lips firmly against his neck, he tilts his head ever so slightly to give you better access. You touch your tongue to his skin and taste him and the way it was all him with a bit of salt made you turn slightly in his grip and free your one hand from his ministrations so you could throw your arm around him and hold him in place as you lick up the column of his neck to his jawline. You do this slowly and deliberately.

“Jesus,” he moans and his mouth is desperate to find yours in a crushing kiss. It was a kiss of urgency, like you were holding back for way too long. You definitely were.

You turn your body as much as you can so you can access him more easily as your hands grab at his shoulders. He bites onto your bottom lip and drags his teeth as he pulls away and then bites into your neck gently. You grab his hair at the sensations he was sending through your body. You were both panting. His breath hot against your jaw as he finds his way back to your mouth. You kept your eyes shut.

He makes the bold move, because your boldness was turning into uncertainty for many reasons. He moved out from under you to hover above you, kissing you all the time. Your whole being was burning for him, every part of your body was alive with need for him, but your brain kept wondering how all of this was even possible. You actively decide to not worry about it, because no one knew the answer, not even Noah. So, you would just take whatever you could.

His hand lands on your hip and he runs it down your thigh and then over where he taps lightly. You ease your legs apart and he settles there like it was always where he was meant to be. He runs a single finger along the top of your underwear, back and forth, asking permission. You quickly squeezed his hand as an answer and then pushed his shirt out of the way and up his back, needing more. You manage to wrestle the shirt off him and then he sneaks his hand into your underwear slowly making his way to where you wanted him most.

“Is this okay?” he pants. You open your eyes and there he is in all his glory kneeling between your legs leaning forward on one arm, while the other hand was very gingerly touching you, his hair tousled from your fingers running through it, his dark eyes seemed even darker.

You grab his arm and lean forward needing to be closer to him, “Noah,” you breathe, “yes,” you nod. You kiss him messily and pull him back with you and when his fingers slowly drag through the wetness there, you gasp and he moans. He starts a rhythm with his touching, drawing circles with his fingers and it immediately drives you insane. You grip onto his back with urgency, not even knowing what you are trying to achieve other than to be closer to him, climb inside of him, anything. When your nails dig in, he moans again and the way his voice cracks, the deep tremble that vibrates through his throat is beautiful and filthy. “You are killing me,” you rasp.

He hesitates for a second. “In a good way?”

“God, yes, in a good way,” you barely manage to get out.

Then, he grips the edges of your underwear and starts working them down your hips. You lift slightly so he can slip them off entirely before he is back where he left off.

He kisses you, his lips just pressing against yours with insistence. You hear and feel his breath and you wonder for a second if breathing is necessary for him. But then he stops what he is doing so that he can press a single finger into you. He does this slowly. He squeezed his eyes shut, but you are in awe of him and just how impossibly ethereal he looks that you cannot look away if you tried. “So warm,” he says.

He readjusts himself so that he has better access to you, but this makes him more out of reach and you do not like this, but when he moves that finger inside of you with surety, curling it just slightly you throw your head back and let out a moan of pleasure. This makes him smile. When he adds a second finger, so that his pointer and middle fingers are working together you can feel the tingly, deep feeling starting to build up. He goes slower, like he knows exactly what you are feeling, dragging the feeling out longer. You move your hips along with him, he keeps gently pushing your thighs apart with his body. You reach for him and he grabs your hand, entwining your fingers together without a thought. Then the feeling reaches its peak and the orgasm washes through your entire body in intense but almost gentle way. It does not overwhelm you that you feel you want to push him away, instead when he works his fingers all through the orgasm, you gripping him rhythmically, it is just what you wanted and needed. The feeling is so intense that you feel tears stinging at your eyes, you try to blink them away, knowing that Noah will think he was making you sad.

But he already saw, and he was kissing your eyes, running his hand across your face to push your hair back as finally removes his fingers from you and then he lays between your legs, his weight comforting against you. “Are you okay?” he asks.

You can just nod.

“You are so amazing,” he whispers in your ear, he keeps his head buried in the crook of your neck. You reach your arm around him and hug him to you as close as you can. You squeeze your thighs around his hips. Then he maneuvers himself so he is next to you and he pulls you closer, so your head is resting tucked under his chin, he tangles your legs together. “Now, please get some sleep,” he mumbles and his arms rests across your waist.

You still wanted to ask about him. You still wanted to overthink the whole reality of everything. But your eyes were heavy, you were warm and so comfortable breathing him in that you fell asleep effortlessly.

14. Noah Nicholas greeted her with a shy warmth when we arrived. He had a beanie pulled over his messy black hair. He showed her to his area, showing her the final design again, asking if she was sure, getting the stencil ready. I kept my hand on her lower back, I could see she was tense, breathing too fast, kept wiping sweat at her brow. She was panicking.

“You can take a moment before we start,” Nick said so calmly and with such kindness. I looked at him and felt familiarity. His mannerisms and slightly awkward demeanor seemed not only familiar but hit me so much deeper than I ever thought it would. After my death I have only ever felt a bond with her. I did not expect the fullness in my heart from seeing someone that had clearly been a dear friend of mine.

She lifts her skirt up where she stands in front of a mirror and Nicholas slides closer on his chair with wheels, holding the stencil. He patiently takes his time and asks her is she is happy with the placement, asks if she is sure. He applies it with gentle precision and rolls back to have a look for himself. When she convinces him that she was happy, he shows her to the bench. She settles herself on the bench he had ready, covered in plastic. She awkwardly tries to find a comfortable position and I can see that this is overwhelming for her. And I understand, the whole thing is a strange situation to say the least. She lays back a little and she exposes her thigh again. Meanwhile he is carefully wrapping the tattoo gun, placing cling wrap everywhere, filling little containers with ink. He is meticulous. While he is distracted, I stand behind her and I rub her back, squeeze her hand, run my fingers through her hair. I cannot offer any verbal reassurance; we are not sure if he would hear.

Both of us are sure that it is only her that can hear me. But we have no basis for this belief. We could be wrong. Now was not the time to test our theory.

Her skin is clammy by the time Nick comes closer to start the process. He asks if she is ready and she nods. He stretched the skin and starts. I can see the pain etched into her eyebrows immediately as Nick draws the first line. She puts a hand behind her back for me and I grab it and hold on.

“It is pretty painful,” Nick laughs softly and kindly. “You just let me know if you need a break or anything.”

“Thank you,” she chokes out. This was worse than she was bargaining for. I feel guilty.

I carefully rub her hand, even massaging at times. I would bend over and kiss her arm, her neck every now and again as a distraction and as encouragement.

“So how did you hear about me?” Nick asks. They have exchanged some pleasantries. Nick was trying to make her feel at ease, but he was also shy and it did not come as naturally to him.

She blushes when he asks this, because she has no idea how to answer this question. She takes a moment, while she is squeezing my fingers so hard. “I actually heard about you from Noah.” She says this while looking intently at him for a reaction of any kind. He stopped tattooing and looked her in the eye, a slight rattled look on his calm features. “Noah?” he says while he is processing the information.

“Yeah. Davis.” She says and I can feel how her heart starts beating even faster.

“Wow, I was not expecting to hear that,” he says softly, he looks down like he was just flooded with memories that were now playing through his mind. In that moment, I wanted to comfort him too. “He’s been gone for three years.” A deep furrow formed on his brow.

She nodded solemnly. “He was very fond of the pieces you did for him,” she said, calculatingly giving very little information.

Nick smiled. “He was so young when we did some of it. Fuck, he was so young when he insisted on getting a sleeve on one whole arm.” The smile faded a bit and he sighed. He shook himself and started tattooing again. “He always was an old soul. Insistent on doing what he wanted, how he wanted, when he wanted.” Nick drew a few lines of the tattoo before he asked, “How did you know him?”

She tensed for a moment. I rubbed her back softly. I was feeling every bit of the emotion in the room too. By the looks of things, I was in a room with the two people that I cared about the most. “I did not know him very well before he died,” she told a half lie. “But I just kept dreaming about the tattoo of the Moon Lady and I thought it must mean something.”

He glanced up briefly and then back to his work on her thigh. “Yeah, he dubbed her the Moon Lady,” he laughed. “I designed her special for him. I also helped him fix the mess of a sleeve he had done when he was way too young.” “You two were close?” she asked quietly.

“He was my best friend.” Nick had a sad look on his face. “Since Noah was fifteen, we just hung out all the time. We had some good times. We actually met because he came looking for work at the tattoo parlour I was apprenticing at.” I was listening to every word he was saying, drinking it all in.

“He had such an independent mind,” he continued. “He was playing for a band and he was so sure that music was his future, he dropped out of school and everything…”

“He dropped out at fifteen?” she asked a little shocked.

“Yeah, he was a different one,” Nick smiled. “I miss him.”

The image of the moth that Nick designed for the tattoo was slowly taking shape, her skin was red and she flinched every time he used the rough paper towel to wipe away at the ink and blood. She was in agony, I could tell.

“This is so much more painful than I ever thought it would be,” she whispered to me while we were in the bathroom. She had asked for a break. “I thought I was tougher than this.”

‘You are doing great,” I whisper back.

“I should have just asked for a coffee date or something and spilled the beans right away,” she was splashing herself with cold water, rubbing her neck.

“You are doing fine,” I insist.

“I really am not, Noah,” she huffs. She stares at me for full minute. “Are you fine?” she asks.

“No,” I answer simply. She takes a step closer and goes down on her knees in front of me where I am sitting on the closed toilet. She takes my hands.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers.

“I feel like I can remember something as soon as he says it. Like he is filling in pieces of a puzzle,” I try to explain. “I want to hug him. Is that silly?”

“No,” she says.

“I don’t like seeing you in pain.”

“It’s my own fault.”

“Maybe you went too big for the first tattoo.”

“Maybe. But everyone always says you should go bigger than you think.”

We kiss there by the toilet in the black and white bathroom, comforting each other as much as we can.

15. You You go back out and smile and grit your teeth through the last end of the shading done on the moth, but you also bite back tears. The whole thing is too much. You are in so much physical pain you are struggling to cope, your heart is going through all the emotions of learning more about Noah. You are also so worried about him and how he might take any news that comes out of this. You are all over the place.

“Tell me more about him,” you prompt.

“He was very private. Only really shared his secrets with the people he was closest to. I don’t remember him ever mentioning you,” Nick’s voice was still soft and kind.

“I’m not trying to pry,” you quickly explain. “I guess I just wish I had the chance to know him before…”

“That accident was tragic,” Nick said. “I could not believe the news when I heard. I was even waiting for him to pat me on the shoulder at his own funeral I was in denial so bad.”

“Slippery roads in the rain, right?” you add.

“Yeah,” Nick nodded. “But he must have been speeding. Noah was always a very responsible driver. You know, especially after what happened when he was young. When his dad died. He always had respect for the rules, he knew the consequences for being reckless too well. I wish I knew what had happened. Wish I could talk to him again.”

“Do you think something was suspicious?” you ask.

“Sometimes,” Nick sighs. “But I have made peace with the fact that I will never know.”

“Accidents can happen so quickly,” you try to comfort. “I just always hope that he was at peace. That it was quick. That he didn’t suffer.” Once the words were out of your mouth you realise how hard you really did hope that. How much it haunted you that Noah went through a death. You also realise that you have never said this to Noah, because you feel how he rests his head against your shoulder. You want to turn and hug him, hold him.

“God, I hope so too,” Nick says, his voice small. “From the police report it sounds like that it was quick. His injuries were severe.” He stops tattooing for a moment to lean back so that he was looking at the ceiling. Your heart was breaking for both these men.

“I’m sorry,” is all you can think to say.

“If I cry now, I will have to resanitise everything,” he tries to chuckle. He takes a deep breath and continues to tattoo.

You bite back tears yourself, blinking as quickly as you can. You can’t think of what else to say.

“You haven’t said how you know Noah,” he said.

You notice the present tense. “Him and I were talking online. For a few months,” you lie quickly. Knowing that the truth would not go over well at all at his moment. “I had a great time talking to him. It was texts only.” You had to account for your limited knowledge.

“Oh,” Nick says nodding.

You do not say anything again.

You drive back to the guest house, your leg wrapped in cling wrap, taped at the edges, Noah’s hand resting just above the tape. You feel like both of you are hanging by a thin thread and you are quiet all the way. He rubs your thigh comfortingly. You squeeze his fingers back.

As soon as you close the door of the guest house behind you, you and Noah are in each other’s arms, clinging to each other and within seconds of that you start crying, chest heaving for air and then Noah is crying too, burying his face in your neck, his breath hot.

You take his hand after a while and guide him to the couch, where you lie down and he lays next to you on your good leg’s side, his head on your chest. You both cry for a while longer while running your fingers through his hair and rubbing his back. “I feel like I miss him so bad,” Noah says later his voice thick. You kiss his hair. “The connection I felt was insane.”

“He was very kind,” you say.

“I wanted to speak to him and tell him I’m okay,” he sounds defeated.

“We can make a plan,” you reassure him. After a while you whisper your suggestion, knowing it was not great. “We can write him a letter?”

Noah reaches over and pulls up your skirt to expose the tattoo and he lifts his head to look. He absent-mindedly starts picking at the tape around the edges.

“I need to let him know,” he says. “Can we write the letter now? How’s your leg?”

“My leg is fine,” you say. You get up to get your bag and dig out a notebook and a pen. “How do you want to do this? How honest are we going to be?”

Dear Nick I felt the need to clarify a few things. I had no idea how to say these things to you yesterday. I felt like saying it would be disrespectful to you in a way, because I had no idea if you would believe me. I did not want you to feel like I was playing with your emotions. I lied. I did not exchange texts with Noah. He appears to me. He says he has been appearing for years, but I have only been able to notice for a few months now. His ghost, or soul, or presence or essence, I don’t know. I know that is crazy. So does he. But it is true and I don’t know what to tell you about it. He cannot remember a lot of things; he is unclear on a lot of his past and I came to you to try and get some extra information. I felt in the moment that it would be insensitive to tell you this, because then you had to respond to me – and how is anyone supposed to respond?? Noah was with me yesterday during our session. He asked me to say the following in the letter: He cannot remember you as well as he wishes, but that he does remember that you were a person that made him feel seen and safe. He knows that he loved you dearly. He was also so adamant to let you know that he was okay. I am leaving town, I have a long drive home, but should you wish to contact me I will leave my contact details at the end. I will also have breakfast at the restaurant on the corner from your shop, should you wish to talk to me in person. Thank you for doing a great job on the tattoo. Thank you for being so important to Noah when he needed you. Kindest regards

16. Noah I carefully pealed the cling wrap and tape from her leg and then with great care put on an ointment that Nick had suggested. This morning when we woke up the skin was not red anymore and the tattoo looked great almost no scabbing. It was beautiful. I had a viscerally emotional response to it, seeing my friend’s work on her thigh.

“Does it hurt?” I ask.

“No, just sensitive,” she smiles at me.

We returned to the shop after writing the letter and left it under the wiper blade of his car, we decided that we really did not want to make him uncomfortable and force him into a situation he had no choice being in.

I was so nervous about breakfast, having no idea what to expect. I could tell she was too. She seemed calmer, the adrenaline of the pain from being tattooed out of her system. I think it contributed to her emotional response the previous day. But I still felt nauseous with the need to connect with Nick and it was truly strange.

When the car was packed and we double checked the bathroom for anything we might have left behind, we quietly drove to the restaurant. She picked a table at the back, a little secluded but sat in a spot where she could see the door, should he decide to show up.

She ordered coffee. I had my hand on her thigh. She had pulled the skirt up to expose the tattoo, to get relief from the material touching the sensitive skin. I traced the outline gently. I could tell she wanted to talk, she was crawling in her own skin again, fidgeting with a straw wrapper that was on the table. The coffee came and she slowly sipped at it.

“I’m not even hungry,” she whispers. But we need to kill time. So, she ordered something, just so we could stay a little longer.

“If he doesn’t show,” I say, sighing, “It’s okay. This was never a guaranteed success anyway.”

“Yeah,” she sounds defeated. I love her for helping me with this. I want to tell her but instead I kiss her cheek and she gives me a weak smile.

And then Nick walks through the door.

She stands immediately, waving him over.

He did not smile. He just walked over, his hands buried deep in his pockets and he looked everywhere except at her. He seemed like he had had no sleep. He slides into the seat opposite her still looking away.

“Hi,” she says.

“Hi,” he answers.

The waiter shows up and takes his order for orange juice.

“You need to explain that letter you left me,” he says looking her in the eye for the first time. “It was messing with me all night.”

She nods. “I know that what I said is crazy. I am aware. But it is true. I don’t have an explanation of how it is possible. I am not a psychic or any of that shit.”

“How do you communicate with him?” he asks.

“You believe me?”

“I did not say that.”

She grimaces, but steels herself before she begins. “At first it was small things, like sounds I heard in my house, things not where I left them, touches, whispers. For a very long time, I was convinced that it was my mind playing tricks on me. But eventually, he was more in control of himself and we could start talking and he could touch me. It got to the point where I had to accept it regardless of how I felt. He became a comforting presence to me.”

Nick was quiet for a moment absorbing what she said. “You said he couldn’t remember much?”

“No, he can’t. So, I starting having dreams, like he was giving them to me. I dreamt of you one night, giving him the Moon Lady tattoo and it was so real, the details the way you two were joking around. Then I started to take all the clues and I started putting the puzzle together. I am not explaining this very well.” She takes a few big gulps of her coffee.

His orange juice and her breakfast arrive, they both ignore their orders.

“You said he was there yesterday?” he asks.

She simply nods.

He leans forward, holding his head in one hand. “I could have sworn that I saw him yesterday. Almost from the corner of my eye, you know. Part of why I was so emotional talking about him to you. But I was sure it was just because our conversation was about him”

Her eyes went wide. “We didn’t know whether you would be able to see him or hear him.”

“He is okay?” Nick asks his voice thick.

“Yeah,” she says.

I feel my heart clench so much it hurts. I get up and stand behind him. I make eye contact with her before I carefully place my hand on his shoulder. He tensed immediately and I felt elated that he could feel it.

“Is he…?”

“Yes,” she says.

He brings his hand up and places it over mine. “Jesus,” he says giving a nervous laugh.

“It’s just Noah,” I say quietly. He heard me. He twists around, stands and grabs at me and we hug so tight.

“This is fucking weird,” he says.

“You need to be cool, people might look,” she says, but she is beaming.

We release the hug and he awkwardly looks around, because he couldn’t see me. “I miss you,” he says.

“I miss you,” I whisper back.

He sits back down and I sit next to him. She picks up a fork and starts eating her breakfast, the tension gone from her face.

“Can you remember the crash?” Nick whispers.

17. You You watched for about a solid hour while they spoke and caught up. The friendship that they shared was obvious to you, as they were so at ease with each other, despite the absurdity of the situation, despite the time apart, despite literal death. Noah’s eyes had a sparkle to them and it made you so happy to see. It was strange to see him interact with someone else, but it was so humanising. You said very little and were happy to just watch the two of them and absorb Noah’s laugh.

Eventually you had to leave though. Nick took you to his car where he had a box that he handed to you. “I packed this last night,” he said making eye contact with you. “I wasn’t sure I was going to give it you,” he looked down. “But I think you will both really learn a lot from it.”

You gave Nick a long, tight hug and thanked him many times. Noah and Nick hugged quickly. You promised to keep in touch.

“That was great,” Noah said his voice sad.

“That went a million times better than we ever hoped for,” you said.

“It did,” he said. “I can’t believe that he could actually feel me, that we could speak. I have never felt as real as I did when you could both hear me.” His voice grew soft at the end.

You reach over and gently take his hand, he intertwined his fingers with yours. “We will make a plan and see him again. I can absolutely see how the two of you were friends.”

“Are,” he corrects you. “We are friends.”

“Yeah,” you smile. You keep your eyes on the road, but you want to look into his eyes. You knew this was a lot to handle. “I am dying to know what’s in the box.”

“Me too,” he says.

“You open it, we have a long way to go still. Could kill some time.”

He drops a kiss to your hand before he reaches back to retrieve the shoe box. He settles it on his lap and stares at it for a while. You say nothing. He carefully lifts the lid of the box and slowly pushes it back. “Well fuck,” he breathes. “What?” you ask, sneaking peaks at the box.

“You drive,” he points through the windscreen towards the road. “I’ll give details.”

“Okay,” you snort.

“Right so, it seems like some of my stuff,” he says. “Hang on.” He digs through the things in the box.

“Noah,” you say in frustration after a while.

“Alright, alright, biggest item is this shirt.” He takes it out and shakes it out so you could look quickly. “It is a white shirt and it has a picture of…. It looks like Jesus and the devil playing basketball.” He laughs. “That is so cool.”

“Give me,” you take it and immediately smell it. Spicy and clean. “Mmmm, smells like you.” You keep the shirt on your lap.

“Then we have a beaded necklace with a big cross on, some bracelets, a plain gold ring.” He holds each piece and waits for you to look. He studies each item with care. Taking his time with each piece. “Here’s a copy of Into the Wild,” he flips through the pages of the book.

You were speechless. These few items meant the world. It was such a generous thing of Nick to do.

“Here is a flash drive also,” he says his voice sounding almost scared.

“The laptop is behind my seat.” You feel nervous.

Again, he rummages around in the back to take out the laptop. It takes a moment for him to boot it up and settle back. “What do you think this is?”

“Probably photos,” you say.

“Why am I scared of this?”

“Because whatever it is, it was your life,” you say gently. “Take your time.”

“Can I just say thank you to you first?” he says. “Thank you for doing this. Being there for me.”

You steal a glance at him. “Of course,” you say. “I feel honoured that I am allowed to witness this.”

“I love you,” he says his voice deep. “Do you know that?”

Your heart beats faster instantly, you feel it trying to climb up through your throat. Why would he say this while you are driving? You want to stare into his eyes and hold him and comfort him. You slow the car down and pull off next to the road. He seems confused by your actions. Once the car is fully stationary, you undo your seatbelt and practically climb over to him as much as you can and you wrap your arms around his neck. You press your face into his neck and breathe in his smell. “I love you,” you whisper. He wraps his arms around you and squeezes you so tight.

You start peppering his neck in small kisses heading towards his jaw. You feel him smile and your heart swells. Kisses along his chin, his cheeks, his nose, his eyebrows. Finally, he takes your face between his large hands, his hands resting over your ears and he kisses you firmly, you feel him swallow. Then his tongue is gently at your lips and you kiss him back, opening up to him. The kiss is tender and he smiles into it and it makes you feel out of breath. When you break apart, he rests his forehead against yours for a few moments.

“Thank you for pulling the car over before doing that,” he whispers against your cheek with a giggle.

You laugh. “My pleasure.”

“Also mine,” he laughs. “But seriously, did you hear me?”

You nod, eyes locked with his. “Did you hear me?”

He nods. “I’m not even real, though. How can you love me?”

“You are more real to me than anything,” you say.

18. Noah I insert the flash drive into the laptop. We were on the road again. She turns her head and smiles at me while I watch her drive. I see the sparkle in her eye, and the emotions she feels for me are written on her face and she shows it to me without hesitation. Never can I express how that feels – the words do not exist to explain the feeling shattering my heart and then lovingly putting each piece back in its place. My heart that does not exist either. It’s almost painful. And it’s the best feeling. I should have told her that I loved her with flowers and music and grand gestures. But I needed her to know so badly in that moment.

“Are you okay?” she asks, suddenly frowning.

“I just love you so much,” I say as explanation.

“Noah,” she smiles. “I love you, too. But is this too much for you? We can wait until we get home. We can wait as long as you want.”

I take a moment to think about it. “Honestly, I want you to be able to look with me. I don’t want you driving, I want you holding my hand when I do this.”

She reaches out her hand and I take it. “Okay,” she says. “We wait.”

I kiss her hand. “I can offer you other entertainment?”

“Oh yeah?”

“Eye spy?” I say, trying to think of other games. She laughs and I think that I live for that sound. But I do not. I exist for that sound.

“I have a better idea,” she giggles. “Go pick a playlist with older music and then we guess the song. We see how much you can remember.”

“Interesting, you want to compete with me,” I say, starting to search for playlists. “If it is a banger, we play it through and see who knows the most lyrics.”

She nods with a big smile. She has my shirt wrapped around her neck like a scarf, she keeps smelling it.

We play the game and she drives. We sing along to songs, laugh when we get it wrong. We argue about which songs qualify as bangers. I feed her dried apples and sips of water. I watch as she walks to the bathroom when we stop for a break and she adds a desperate running step because she couldn’t wait any longer. She comes back with marshmallows and a coffee.

We got home and we unloaded the car with heavy limbs. She kept stretching and rubbing her butt, saying that she sat it completely flat. I assured her it was just as delicious as it was before.

As I stood under the spray of water from the shower head and I felt the water pelt my skin, the water droplets running down my body, I wonder if I really feel it, or whether I was just so in the moment, so desperate that I made it real in my head. I wish there were a rule book and that I could understand. But then I shake myself and decide that I should stop wasting my time on wondering. Enjoy the warmth of the water while you can feel it, Noah. Let yourself feel cleansed by the soap, Noah. Just stop thinking so goddamn much.

When I enter the bedroom, she is under the covers, pillows arranged how she likes it, her eyes gently closed. She must be tired. Ambient light is all that covers the room in a soft, warm glow.

I lift the covers and settle behind her, inching my way closer and closer until I was right up against her body and I put my arm around her waist and I put my face in her neck. “Hey, baby.”

She hums in response, her head tilting to allow me more access to her neck. I kiss her neck repeatedly and slowly and go up her jaw.

“You still awake?” I ask eventually.

“I am,” she whispers. She sounds slightly out of breath. She squirms and, in the process, pushes her butt back against me and I gasp in response. The sensation sends shivers down my spine and makes me achingly aware of my groin.

I take a deep breath to calm myself down a little. My hand goes under the shirt she is wearing and I feel her bare skin, soft and smooth. “Is this okay?” I ask.

“Yes,” she breathes.

I run my fingers over her waist with light touches, slowly working my way higher until I can feel the flesh of her breasts and then I take my time touching, squeezing and holding them. I feel her hardened nipples against my palm and I drink in every heavy breath she takes and releases. Her hips ever so slightly pushing back against me consistently. “My god,” I moan in her ear. “These are so perfect.” I kiss and suck at her neck. Rational thought was leaving me rapidly. “Come here,” I pant and I make room for her to turn onto her back and then I immediately lean in and over her and kiss her. My hand is still palming her breast.

She kisses me back with so much passion that I am overwhelmed for a few seconds. She has her hands on my shoulders, rubbing along them softly, in contrast with the way her tongue is running along my lips with fervour. “Noah,” she says.

‘Yes, baby?”

“Please, Noah.”

“What do you want? Tell me?” I pull back and make eye contact with her, making sure I hear what she is about to say.

“I need you,” she sobs almost. I have to kiss her solidly before I pull back again.

“What do you need?”

“You, all of you,” she says, her leg hooking around mine and she runs her hands down my back, lower and lower. “I need to feel your skin against mine.”

“Alright,” I nod and I push her shirt up and she lifts her shoulders just enough that I get it off and I slowly drag the shirt down her arms and then she is bare and I cannot breathe. I immediately lower my mouth and kiss a line between her breasts before I kiss one while my hand is on the other. I lick around her nipple, my tongue leaving shiny wet spots in its wake. I glance up and her head is thrown back, her eyes closed. “Hey,” I whisper to her and she looks down. “Keep your eyes on me,” I say. I flatten my tongue and glide it across the hardened bud of her nipple and she moans, then I bite down very softly and she grabs my hair.

“Can I take off your underwear?” I say locking eyes with her. She bites her lip and nods. I move my body and move the blankets so I can reach her and I trail my fingers down her stomach and to her hips, and I slide my finger under the elastic and pull them down her hips. “Lift,” I say and I grip it and drag it down and she lifts her legs up so can remove them more easily. I look at her to make sure she was still okay with all of this, and I see she is nervous. But her eyes also look at me with dark hunger. “You still okay with this?”

“I am,” she squeaks.

“You sure?” I say, standing up on my knees on the bed. She nods. “I am going to ask you to open these legs for me, love. Are you okay with that?” I say this sternly. I need her to understand that my intentions were far from pure. She looks me in my eyes and I see her swallow heavily.

“I am so sure,” she whimpers.

Relief and arousal floods through me at the same time. “Thank fuck,” I breathe and then, “Open.” I grab one ankle and help to place it far away from the other and I maneuver both of us so there’s a bit more space for me and I settle down between her legs. I could already see her arousal glistening in the faint light. Salivating, I kiss her soft inner thighs and hook my one arm around her upper thigh, holding her in place. Then I take a finger, the same finger that has already been inside of her, and run it up and down spreading her arousal. She responds by squirming a little, she is biting her lip. I use my hand to spread her open slightly and then I press my tongue to her and I am overcome with her taste and emotions and the feeling of my cock becoming even harder. I lick up to her clit and then gently suck on it and she bucks her hips, and I feel victorious. “You taste so good,” I say. I drag my tongue down and it sinks into her wet mess at her opening and I drink her in. “So very wet,” I say as I suck on her again. Her hips start to move, it seems, of their own accord and she lets out little moans and she reaches down and grabs my hair. I am so into that. “Noah, oh my god,” she cries. I feel like a god between her legs.

“You want my fingers?” I ask.

“Yes.” No hesitation.

I slowly and carefully push two fingers into her and I hold my breath as I feel her insides clench around them. I pump them in and out of her slowly and curl my fingers and she is moaning, and just like the previous time she tries to close her legs but my body is in the way. “Baby, take my hand,” I reach my free hand up and she takes it and grips it. “Is it too much?” I ask.

“I don’t know,” she moans, “It feels so good.”

“Grip my hand tighter when it gets too much. I need you to hold on for me,” I look her in the eye. “I am going to keep going, okay?”

She nods and I pump my fingers again and then I lower my mouth and lick over her clit and when I feel her hips move and her grip on my hand tighten, I lick faster and harder and I keep going until she tells me that she is going to come and I keep going. Her hips lose rhythm and I look up at her and watch her utter beauty as she comes apart against my mouth. She brings her free hand up and clamps it over her mouth and I still hear her cries.

When she stills, I remove my fingers from her and climb up towards her so I can kiss her. She is breathing heavily, so am I. I kiss her tenderly, and she responds eagerly, her hands traveling all over my arms, shoulders and back. “I don’t know how this will work,” I say as I dare to look down at myself. “But can I please, please fuck you?” I bury my face in her neck, I have to concentrate to not just mindlessly rub against any part of her.

She pulls back from me and hold my face between her hands and she looks in my eyes for a moment, looking back and forth between my eyes. Love radiates from her and she pulls my face down to kiss my nose. “What do you need from me?” she whispers. “I need to be inside you, as soon as I can possibly manage,” I smile at her.

“What did you mean you don’t know how it works?” she says looking concerned.

“I just mean because I am a spirit. A ghost. I don’t know. But, honestly, the boner feels very, very real to me.”

“Yeah?” she asks and her hand is feeling me over the boxer briefs I have on. I have to squeeze my eyes shut and breathe through the feeling. “Feels real to me too. Hang on.” She lifts up slightly and pushes the briefs down a bit so I am free from the constraint. She wraps her hand around me slowly and pumps up and down a few times excruciatingly slow. She lets go and her index finger teasingly swipes up the bead of pre-come from my tip and she sucks it off of her finger and if I was not already dead….

“Christ!”

“Definitely real,” she giggles. “Fuck, I didn’t expect you to taste that good,” her face suddenly serious.

“Um, thank you, baby, but we do not have time for you to taste more,” I say quickly. “I am already about to explode and I haven’t even been near to being inside of you.”

She lifts up and kisses me again. She is sloppy this time, running her tongue along my bottom lip. “I don’t mind waiting,” she whispers.

“Lay back,” I tell her and she keeps looking at my face with such adoration. I rip the briefs off and then I take a hold of myself and run my cock up and down her a few times, across her clit spreading the wetness a bit, she throws her arms up above her head and sighs loudly. “You ready? I’ll go nice and slow.”

“I’m ready,” and she wraps her legs around my hips trying to encourage me closer.

I slowly and carefully push past the resistance at her entrance and keep going until I am completely buried inside the heat and clenching wetness. I literally could not breathe. I fall forward on top of her, my elbows trying to keep some of my weight off her. Her arms wrap around me immediately, her thighs gripping me and she peppers my face with kisses while I struggle to inhale. “You are fucking perfect,” I manage to get out. “Perfect.” She started squirming under me. “Please,” I choke out. “Wait a second. I need to calm down.”

She patiently rubs my shoulders while she licks at my neck. “I love you,” she whispers in my ear.

“I love you,” I sob into her skin.

She soothingly rubs my back and I hear her take a deep breath near my ear and then she exhales slowly and then deep breath in again and without a word, I join her breathing and then I start feeling like I have a bit of control back. So, I start moving just a little and work up to a steady rhythm and she opens her legs wider and clings to my arms. “You feel so good,” she gasps and I cannot believe that this is real, and I have to tell myself that I had better not start overthinking.

I lift myself up a bit so can have more leverage and I look down at her face contorted with pleasure, her body beneath me, the body that I have been looking at for years, never dreaming this would be possible, the body that I knew I was lucky to just be able to briefly touch in a moment of realness and here it was – gorgeous and writhing with me deeply inside of it. I fuck her harder and slightly faster and I hear the slap of skin on skin. She cries out and swears and moans. And this, I think, could not possible feel any better if I had been alive. Suddenly, she makes eye contact with me and she nods with very small movements and her hand sneaks down between us and she touches herself. “Fuck, baby that’s so hot,” I say to her. “I am not going to last much longer.” “Please,” she says and she tries to sit up and reaches up for me, so I lower myself down so I can kiss her and she kisses me. “I am coming,” she says. I grab her hand and we kind of lose control at the same time and I still most of my movements and she is twitching and gripping me so tight and it lasts so long. She bites my shoulder and then licks it to sooth the bite. I stay inside her and collapse and our breaths are hot and heavy.

“Baby, just let me stay inside a little longer,” I say because I am so sensitive. She jolts every few seconds as aftershocks go through her. “I love you,” I tell her again because I need her to know so badly. How much she means to me. “I love you.” “I love you so much,” she rubs my shoulders again and then starts running her fingers over my back lightly scratching. Goosebumps form over my whole body.

“I don’t need heaven, ever,” I whisper in her ear. “I have already found mine.”

19. You You wake up and you smell him, your face resting against his shoulder blade, your naked body curled up around his, his back to you, your arm around his waist and you are holding on to him like your life depended on it. When you open your eyes, you realise that your breasts are pressed up against Jesus’ face on his back and you cannot help but smile at that.

For a long time, you just admire his broad shoulders with a dusting of freckles where the tattoos do not cover his skin. You look at where he has slept his hair into standing at odd angles. You listen to him breathe, slow and even with a slight whistle when he inhales through his nose. When you move your feet a little, you feel the course hair on his legs. Every single part of him was so absurdly perfect. Except when your brain starts thinking, again, that he is dead. You press your hand to his chest, press it firmly. You do not feel a heartbeat.

When he stirs a while later, he turns to face you with a dopey smile on his face. His face is slightly swollen from sleep, his lips are puffy. His lips are a part of him that you have been greatly underappreciating. They are just so kissable. His eyes are squinted almost shut. Beautiful.

“Hey,” he croaks and moves closer so he can hold you, his long arms wrapping around you and his mouth resting against your forehead. “How are you doing?”

“Mmm, I feel great,” you say. “And you?”

“Oh, I am so very good and great and relaxed and wonderful,” he smiles against your face.

You laugh and kiss his chin. “You are so warm,” you say as you snuggle closer.

“And you smell amazing. You always do in the mornings.”

“You smell me in the mornings?”

“Absolutely, I do,” he says and drags his nose along your face until its buried in your hair.

You lay in comfortable silence and almost fall back asleep when he says, “That flash drive is haunting me.”

“Shall I go get it?” you ask. You have thought about it, but there have also been many other things on your mind. The way he kept calling you baby the previous evening being one of the things.

“I will, I’m just nervous still.”

“I have to go to the bathroom anyway. And I am ready to hold your hand. But if you want to wait, that is also fine, you know that.”

“Okay,” he says apprehensively. You search and find your shirt that was flung off you and pulled it over your head. “Leave the underwear,” he says pouting at you.

You make sure to pull the shirt down as low as it would go when you leave to the bathroom first, and then to go find that laptop where the flash drive is still inserted.

Noah is already sitting up and he has arranged the pillows for you both to be comfy. You climb in get under the covers and scoot closer and you place the laptop on both your laps. “You do it,” he says.

“Okay,” you run your finger along the mousepad and click to open the folder. Inside are photos, videos and audio files. You just know that whatever you are about to see is going to make you cry. He wraps his arm around your shoulder. “We can stop whenever you want. Where do you want to start?”

“Photos.”

You click and then you start clicking through the album and it was already a lot to handle. Many photos of Noah with friends, you only recognise Nick. Photos of Noah where he was so young. Photos with his skin in varying stages of being tattooed. His hair in different styles. There many photos of him making silly faces, many with him holding musical instruments, many with animals.

Noah was quiet for the most part, only commenting occasionally. “Is that a dermal piercing?”

“It looks like,” you smile.

The two of you can only guess at the other people. Noah tells you that some of the people look familiar, but he could not really place them.

So, then you go over to videos.

Videos were mostly of him hanging out with his friends, making jokes, being silly, drinking, making music. Many videos of Noah singing, some, where was very young, singing songs, clearly still finding his feet. But as Noah ages in the videos his talent becomes more and more pronounced. His voice improving, the songs improving. Videos of him playing guitar, playing keyboard, making music on the computer.

Noah would hide his face with some videos and with others, he would nod his head along with the sounds. You loved the insight this gave. The details neither of you would have ever known.

Until the video that started playing was a slideshow.

Noah gripped your hand slightly tighter and you squeezed back as images cycled with a Matchbox Twenty song playing. Tears were rolling down your face silently as you couldn’t help but imagine being at the funeral, knowing that you have lost this man. At the same time, you know that it happened.

Noah eventually stopped the video when he could not take it anymore. His head dropped down and you moved closer. He turned and buried his face in your neck and you held him as close as you could manage. A few sobs shook his body and then you couldn’t hold it back anymore either. You could guess what he was feeling. He didn’t have to say anything. The loss of everyone he knew, the life he knew and mostly himself. This life that he could not really remember.

He fell asleep after a while, you running your fingers through his hair slowly.

Later he softly kissed your neck and whispers, “How do you think we would have met?”

You think for a moment before you say, “Me getting a tattoo and you coming by to visit Nick. Or maybe at a concert, in the crowd.”

“By the looks of how rowdy my friends and I seemed to get, you could have been a neighbour that complained about the noise,” he adds.

“Maybe just at the grocery store, I would have been checking you out for sure.”

“Yeah?” he asks.

“Definitely.”

“We could have both been hiding from people in a social situation,” he grips your hand.

“Oh, I can see that,” you smile.

“We will never know, and that kills me,” he whispers.

You resist making a comment about that. “But we did meet. It might not have been the way it should have happened, but you found me regardless.”

“That is true,” he takes a few breaths. “I would have been staring at you too, by the way. In the grocery store.”

“Thanks,” you laugh.

20. Noah The thought plagues me non-stop. I don’t want to think it, I actively try not to, but just keeps coming up. For days and days when I am with her, when I am not, I keep wondering. I try to leave her alone a little bit, to see if it goes away. But it doesn’t.

“Noah,” she calls out into the living room. She is reading a book on the couch, but she looks up and keeps searching for me.

Maybe now is the time to bring it up. I walk closer and reach out my hand to her and she takes it. She moves over and I sit next to her.

“Are you okay?” she asks it very quietly. She knows something is eating me. Then new thoughts about how well she knows me crashes around in my head and I don’t know what I even want to say. “Something is bothering you,” she states. “Did I do something wrong?”

My heart breaks. “No,” I kiss the back of her hand. “But I have been thinking about something lately and I have to just tell you.”

She just nods. Her mouth is already turning down slightly, her eyes jumping back and forth between mine. I take both her hands in mine and turn towards her more. I can hear her take a breath and hold it. I look down at her knees.

“I am terrified that I am keeping you from living your life,” I say, still looking down. She says nothing. “What if you should be having a moment meeting a real live human being you should be dating? What if you spend too much time with me and you miss the life you should be living?”

She still keeps quiet, I can hear her breathing has picked up, but I cannot bring myself to look at her.

“I am sure you are my soulmate,” I carry on. “But maybe I am not yours. Maybe we never would have met, maybe I just died and you have another soulmate out there waiting for you.”

“What are you saying?” she finally speaks. Her voice is small.

“I don’t want to selfishly hold you back,” I say.

Tears splash down onto her arms and our hands and I look. Her bottom lip is trembling and a steady stream of tears are running down her face. “This sounds like you are saying you don’t want to be here with me anymore.”

“It’s not about what I want,” I try.

“It is, though,” she states.

“I want what is best for you.”

“And you don’t think that it’s you?”

“I am considering the possibility,” I whisper.

“Have I given you any indication that I need more than you?”

I keep quiet this time. I am hurting her and it was not my intention.

She cries audibly and I hear her breath catch and feel her shake. “Do you want to leave?” she asks simply.

“No,” I start. “Noah,” she interrupts me. “Don’t bullshit me right now. Tell me the hard truth. Do you want to leave?”

I take a moment to think how to phrase this. “With my whole heart, I want to be with you.”

“Okay,” she wipes her tears and takes a shaky breath. “Here are my thoughts,” and she touches my cheek until I make eye contact and then drops her hand. Her stare is intense and the tears are threatening. “You do not get to choose for me. It’s that simple. You make decisions about what you want and I make decisions about what I want.” She waits for it to sink into my head. “I need you to stop being noble, or whatever, and just understand that I can tell you to fuck off if I want to.”

I nod. “Alright.”

“If I am your soulmate, you are mine. I know the situation is not ideal. I know it’s weird and neither of us know how this works. But I love you. And fuck you for saying all that.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know what you meant,” she says, “And I need you to trust me. Trust that I will be honest with you if I need something to change. Do you think I haven’t thought about these things? That maybe I am holding you back from heaven or some shit?”

“You are heaven,” I smile.

“Shut up, Noah,” she whispers. “All I know is we have this, whatever it is. I know I love you and I know that I choose you over all things living. It hurts me that you think I would be better off with someone else. That I need to go look for someone that isn’t you.”

“It kills me to think that,” I say quickly. “I hate the thought.”

“So, stop it,” she says taking my face in her hands. “Stop trying to fix everything. Stop thinking so much. This is immensely fucked up, but it is our fucked up and we get to make it of it what we choose.”

I smile at her. I place my hands over hers. She kisses me quickly. “You are too wise.”

“You need to stop letting these thoughts fester and then run away with you.”

“I realise I can overthink sometimes,” I sigh.

‘You think?” she wasn’t even smiling.

21. You You gasp awake, immediately trying to sit up, your breath hitching as pain ripped through your chest. It felt like you couldn’t inhale as the images of your dream is all you can see. Your limbs tangle in the blankets and the darkness has you confused.

“Shhhhh,” he says next you as he tries to get a hold of you, but you thrash against him and you have an overwhelming feeling that you needed to run, get away. Then you hear the sob tear through your throat. “Hey, it’s alright.”

He is persistent in his efforts to touch you, tether you to reality. Despite your violent movements, he gets a grip on you and he gently pulls you closer. Slowly, with your body fighting with all its might, you give in and allow him.

You begin to realise that it was a dream. A terrible dream, but it still hurt so bad. It still felt real. You felt the rain on your body, how the water drenched through your clothes, how it weighed down your hair that stuck to your neck and forehead. You could smell the fuel, the wind blowing, and the smell of tyres that had been desperately braked too hard. You saw the puddles of water and how the lights reflected in it. But most horrifically you saw him, your Noah, trapped in a car. His head was limply hanging against his chest, blood running down his brow. You walk closer and try to open the door of the car to get to him, but your hands to through the door like you were a ghost. You see inside that his arm was clearly broken and that his body was strangely close to the steering wheel where the airbag had deflated. His body looked wrong, broken. He was unsuccessfully trying to take a breath, with weak, jerky movements. You watched him die. Watched as the little bit of life drained out of him and he went still.

The horror and desperation were all that you could begin to process. You would give anything, absolutely anything, to turn back time, to replace your body with his. You wanted to scream to whoever was listening that they could have whatever they wanted, if you could save him. You wanted to climb into the car and fix him, you wanted to climb in and join him. Your entire being wanted to correct this mistake.

“Is it a bad dream?” his voice says next to you.

You cling to him with all your might, your sobs now so heavy that you could not talk or explain or breathe.

He rubs your back, holds you back and whispers in your ear that everything is alright, that he is there when you are ready to tell him. He soothingly hushes you.

You could not even feel relief that he was there, that it was him that was right there. Because you knew that what you dreamt was what happened. This beautiful soul that was comforting you, had really died right there, his chest crushed during the impact. But you weren’t there to help or even witness it. He had been all alone. Your heart was broken, because you would have endured all of that if it meant that he not been alone. You would have died right next to him if you could.

After what felt like hours, the sobs had stopped, but the tears still ran down your cheeks and into his shirt. Your face felt hot and swollen. “Do you want to know how you died?”

So, you tell him as gently as you could. He was quiet while he was stroking your hair, listening to the whole story without a word.

“I don’t remember any of this,” he says his voice small and very soft. “But,” he swallows. “I do remember feeling calm when I died. I have no memory of what happened to my body, but I remember that I didn’t feel alone, or scared. It felt like someone was there to help me through it.”

“Like God?” you ask.

He was quiet again for a very long time. “Maybe it was you.”

You look up at his face in confusion.

“How could you have known what happened if I can’t even remember it now? Maybe your soul was there with me. Looking after me and helping me die. Maybe our souls have been entwined for a lot longer than we thought.”

You did not know what to make of what he said. But you liked the idea that even if you couldn’t save him, you were there for him in a way.

“I wish I could have saved you,” you croak.

“You did, love.”

[End]

Bonus Chapter (kind of)

[concreteangel92]

Thou Shalt Not Kill - Chapter 6

AU Noah Sebastian x female reader

18+

Summary: Reader is a detective and is assigned to a murder case which she soon connects with previous killings and figures out the religious affiliation, proving there is a new serial killer within the city. Reader soon becomes obsessed with the killers mind and methods and won’t rest until she figures out who the killer is. All while she gets used to working with her new partner on the case, detective Noah Davis.

Warnings: full smut (PiV, oral - female receiving) praise kink, softish dom!Noah, use of religion, graphic detailed writing of murder/killings, blood, gore, I think that’s it haha

Chapter Index Here

Ok I am so excited for you all to read this one!! Please let me know what you think at the end!! That all I have to say haha 🫢

Tags: @Ima1986 @hayleylatour @reyadawn @thatchickwiththecamera @calleyx13 @english-fucker @darling-millicent-aubrey @malerieee @ithoughtbynowidfeelbetter @softvgold @lilhobgobbler @glccmreid @badomensls @madomens @loeytuan98 @iluvmewwwww75 @rosebushjhj @livingdeceasedgirl @lilrubles @samanthasgone @blackveilomens @hellayeahsword @lookwhatitcost @doomhands-jr @nojoyontheburn @poisongirl616 @bakanerd @sacredthefran

MASTERLIST

You opened your eyes and looked up to see Noah sleeping soundly and you were lying on his chest with his arm casually wrapped over your waist. At some point in the night, you both had clearly laid down fully.

You felt your cheeks go warm, how could you fall asleep on him? Then again, he didn’t wake you up so he obviously fell asleep as well.

You started to lift yourself off of him and Noah started to stir, his arm unconsciously tightening around you before he opened his eyes to meet yours.

“Morning”

You watched as he rubbed his eyes with his free hand, his other arm not moving from its place around you. You felt your cheeks flush harder and started to sit yourself up.

“I’m sorry I fell asleep on you, you should have woken me up”

“I didn’t want to disturb you too quickly as I know you hadn’t been sleeping, I didn’t plan on falling asleep myself though”

You smiled slightly at his thoughtfulness.

“Thank you….hope I didn’t sore or anything”

Noah smiled back at you and gently ran a finger up and down your arm.

“Nah….just fidgeted all lot, surprised I haven’t woken up on this sofa hanging on for dear life”

You pushed him slightly in jest as you giggled.

“Oh shut up”

••••••

Noah was now gone, he headed back to his place to have a shower and get ready to head into work, you decided to take the morning to yourself today, after a good nights sleep, you felt much better and just needed a break, something your boss was certainly all for.

So here you were, showered and ready for the day and drinking a cup of coffee and people watching out of your big bay window. The case could wait until after lunch.

“I definitely need a holiday after this”

Your phone going off pulled you from your thoughts, you picked it up and saw it was another text from a withheld number, you felt the anxiety creeping in knowing it was him.

It was an address for an old warehouse downtown, no other message other than that. He obviously wanted you to attend.

You phoned your boss straight away and said you needed back up to follow you down and that you were heading over now. Of course this was met with “Do not enter the building without back up! You have no idea what you’re walking into”

Noah had also text you the same thing, saying he will be coming down with the team and to wait for him.

•••••••

After a 15 minute drive, you found yourself standing outside the warehouse, gun already in hand. You knew you should wait but something was telling you to go ahead, so you did.

The building was dark and damp, clearly not been used properly for a while. You careful walked down the corridors with your gun outstretched and torch in hand, searching every room you’d come across but so far, nothing.

You were coming up to a door that was already ajar, a dim light coming from it, you swallowed the thump in your throat and slowly went over and nudged the door open with your foot, the sight that greeted you ripped the breath from your chest and your hands to falter as you stepped further in, shock settling in.

Propped up on a desk chair behind an old desk was Eddie Blake, a large knife sticking out of the middle of his chest and written on the wall behind him, in what you could only assume was his blood, were the words ‘envy stabs at others and wounds itself’

You couldn’t stop the shocked whisper coming out of your mouth.

“Thou shalt not covet”

“Very good”

The sudden robotic and distorted voice from behind you made your blood run cold, you quickly turned around and were met with an incredibly tall and intimidating figure wearing a black ski mask and was dressed head to toe in black, no skin or any defining features on show. The 10 commandments killer.

You raised your gun back up at him.

“Hands where I can see them asshole!”

You heard a chuckle, assuming he had some sort of device hidden in his jacket to hide his true identity by disguising his voice.

“Detective Y/L/N it’s a pleasure to finally meet you, I’ve been looking forward to this for quite some time”

He took a step towards you so you made the show of pointing your gun again.

“I said hands up! I won’t hesitate to shot you!”

“You know…you’d be a lot more intimidating if the safety wasn’t on”

You felt your face screw up in confusion and glanced down at your gun, big mistake, you suddenly felt the killer jump forward and he grabbed hold of your arms and aimed the gun in the other direction, a bullet firing out as you tried to hold onto it.

The killer was much stronger then you and managed to knock the weapon out of your hands and pinned your arms behind your back and had you in a tight grip with your back to his chest, no matter how hard you struggled, you couldn’t get free, he had you.

“Now, now, now my little angel, settle down. I’m not going to kill you…not yet anyways”

You felt your heart beating so fast that you thought it was going to come out of your chest, the adrenaline was running through your body and you tried to get control over your breathing as you felt him talking into your ear.

“What do you want from me?”

He chuckled, you felt the vibrations on your back.

“I just wanted to meet the one person who’s been smart enough to figure out my little game, I’m actually very impressed detective”

“This is a game to you!?”

“More like a lesson. Do you know what the worse thing in the world is? Religion”

You struggled in his grip again but he had you like an iron vice.

“For someone who doesn’t like religion, you’ve gone to an awful lot of trouble creating these sick lesson of yours”

“How else do you get the message across?”

“And what is the message?”

You heard the distorted laugh again.

“To dethrone god”

You suddenly felt yourself being turned around, your arms still pinned behind your back in his hands but you were now looking up into his mask covered face, his almost black eyes staring back at you.

“Do you like my little gift for you angel?”

He gestured to the body of officer Blake.

“How did you even know about him?”

“I have my ways. You have intrigued me, someone as smart as me, someone who could easily rival me, a true equal I’d be as bold to say. And in some ways, you’re just like me”

You shook your head, eyes not leaving his as a show of not backing down.

“I’m nothing like you, you’re sick and twisted!”

You saw his smirk through the mask.

“We shall see”

The masked man then leant down quickly and smashed his lips onto yours hard, feeling the fabric of the mask brushing on your face.

You instantly pulled away in disgust and decided now was your chance, you slammed your head forward into his, you felt his grip on your hands loosen, completely ignoring the pain that started ringing in your head, you kicked your leg out under his and managed to take you both down to the ground and this was the chance you needed as his hands had let you go, to jump up and run.

You avoided him trying to get hold of you again and ran out of the room, you didn’t stop running until you reached the front doors and out into the bright sunlight of the car park where you saw your team of officers ready to go and confused to see you.

“Detective?”

“HE’S INSIDE! THE KILLER IS INSIDE QUICKLY!!”

You collapsed into the ground and the tears fell from your eyes as you cried, the severity of what had just happened finally hitting you.

“Detective what the hell were you thinking going in without back up?!”

You looked up to your boss as the team of officers armed and ready ran into the building.

You didn’t answer, you couldn’t, you felt like you could barely breathe, then you felt a pair of hands on your shoulders, looking up you met Noah’s concerned gaze.

Without saying a word, you fell into his arms and cried into his chest, Noah instantly wrapping his arms around you and holding you close.

“It’s ok Y/N I’m here, I’ve got you”

A few moments passed and you heard some of the team coming back out.

“The building is secure Sargent, he’s gone….officer Blake is dead inside”

You let out a breath at the knowledge that he’d got away and was still out there.

“What? Right corner this place off and start documenting the scene. Davis, take her home, I’ll get a statement from her tomorrow”

“Yes sir”

•••••••

You hadn’t said much over the last hour, Noah had driven you back to yours in your car, you silently staring out of the window.

Once back inside, you sat with him on the sofa, just trying to make sense of everything.

“You can talk to me Y/N, what happened in there?”

You looked up into his eyes, finding the comfort you’d felt in his presence over the last few weeks.

“He killed Blake….for me, this was for me and he….kissed me”

“What?!”

“Yeah….he definitely wanted my attention, said he’s impressed with me and how I’ve been on the case….he called me an equal….he’s sick”

Noah sat and took in your words, nodding in acknowledgement. You shifted closer to him.

“Thank you for being here, I really don’t think I could be alone right now and you make me feel safe”

Noah smiled and rested his hand onto yours on your lap.

“I wouldn’t be anywhere else Y/N, I’ll stay as long as you want me to”

You felt your heart swell at his words, you leaned forward and pressed your lips softly onto his, feeling him respond instantly, it was soft and gentle and you felt Noah bring his hands up to hold your face to his.

You pulled away slowly, “stay?” you hoped he knew what you were asking.

Noah ran a hand through your hair and brought his fingers under your chin and smiled.

“I’d thought you’d never ask”

Noah pulled you into him and kissed you harder this time, leaning you back onto the sofa, feeling more of a sense of urgency than before.

Noah started to run kisses down your neck making you rest back as your breathing started to escalate, his hands ran across the bottom of your shirt before sliding his hands underneath.

“Let me take care of you”

You nodded and sat yourself up slightly so he could bring your shirt up over your head, and not wasting any time in undoing your bra to let that fall to floor while he let out a breath.

“You’re so perfect”

The praise he was giving you was making your tummy tighten in anticipation.

“Please”

You didn’t even know what you were asking for, you just needed him.

“I’ve got you baby”

Noah dipped his head down to start biting gently on your neck while his hands started to caress your nipples, your back arching into his touch as he did. You then felt one of his hands go lower, tracing your trousers before he started to undo them and pulled them off your legs. Noah ran his hands down your sides making you shiver.

“Let me worship you”

His gaze was so intense, his words were so intimate that all you could do was nod, completely submitting to him.

Noah hooked his fingers into your underwear and dragged them down, he parted your thighs to spread you open to him, his eyes blown wide and lips parted like he was about to eat the best meal of his life.

“Absolutely perfect”

You flushed bright red at his words, your body wound so tight already.

Noah leant down and got himself comfortable in between your legs and hooked his arms around your thighs to bring you closer to his face, his eyes not once leaving your dripping core.

You felt his fingers trace your outer lips before parting them and licking a long strip up causing you to cry out and your hips to buck, his grip tightened to keep you in place, he brought his tongue back down and licked up again before he sucked your clit into his mouth.

“Noah…oh my god”

He lifted his head.

“No god here baby, just me”

And with that Noah went straight back and your hand went into his hair, feeling like you were floating higher and higher, you threw you head back as you felt his fingers slipping in between your folds, your grip tightened and your rolled your hips onto his mouth, causing him to groan which vibrated up your whole body.

His fingers set up a fast pace while he focused his mouth around your clit, you felt the heat building and your stomach muscles twisted together as you felt your orgasm approaching, your thighs started to shake and you rolled your hips again, practically begging him for what you so desperately needed.

“Noah…I’m going to…to”

The words got stuck in your throat as you let out a cry and your legs clamped around his head as he worked you through your orgasm.

When he lifted his head, his mouth and chin were covered in your juices, which he was very well aware of and pulled you in for a messy kiss, making sure you tasted every part of yourself on his tongue.

Feeling him straining in his trousers, you ran your hands over his front to cup him which caused him to jut his hips forward. Noah wasted no time in stripping himself of his clothes and you gasped at how many tattoos he really had.

You started to trace your fingers gently over his inked neck and chest, trying to take it all in, he was beautiful.

“Thank you”

You blushed when you realised you’d said it out loud but Noah didn’t seem to mind, if anything he was loving you staring at him in awe.

He leant down and pulled you into another kiss, this one a softer than before and he kept one hand on the back of your neck and you felt him line himself up with the other, feeling him stretching your lips with his tip before he started to push forward.

Your moan was lost in his mouth as he stretched you open slowly, your walls clenching down on him immediately.

Noah pulled his lips from yours and rested his head onto yours.

“Fuck….you’re gripping me so tight….shit”

Your legs wrapped around his waist to pull him as close as possible, you felt so good you could barely think of anything.

Noah pulled his hips back and set up a steady pace at first, it was slow and deep and you could feel every inch of him inside, but you needed more, you wanted more.

“Noah..fuc…more please”

He kissed you again before bringing his hand up to the back of the sofa, while his other fell down to hold onto your hip, before he thrusted his hips into yours harder and faster, the sound of skin slapping on skin filled the room along side your moans and his small groans.

You knew Noah wouldn’t last much longer when you felt his pace start to quicken but become more sloppy, signalling his end was near, he reached his hand down between you both to where you were joined and started to rub firm circles on your clit as he thrusted harder making the sofa move slightly underneath you both.

You looked down to watch his cock, glistening with your slick, thrusting in and out of you and seeing the mess you’d made over him, that was all it took and you felt yourself fall over the edge again under his fingers, tears falling from the corner of your eyes that you’d squeezed shut and body arching up into him while he emptied himself inside you with one last guttural groan from deep within his chest.

Noah let his weight rest down into you and you held him while you both got your breath back, both enjoying the afterglow.

You felt Noah slip out of you slowly and suddenly felt very empty, you clung onto him and he rolled you both onto your sides, thankfully your sofa was big enough to fit you both on.

“I don’t think my legs are working”

Noah laughed and pulled you into his chest while reaching for the throw blanket you had draped over the back of the sofa to lay it over the pair of you.

“I’ll take that a huge compliment”

You snuggled into side and felt very content in his arms.

“You should”

You both lied there together, enjoying the warmth of each other’s bodies and the blanket that both of you eventually fell asleep.

•••••••

You woke up the next morning to your back being pressed up against Noah’s chest, both of you still naked under the blanket and still curled up on the sofa.

You smiled as you remembered last night, you turned your head to see Noah’s peaceful face, he must have felt you moving as he started to stretch his body out before speaking to you.

Your eyes went wide as you felt a shiver of fear run down your spine at his words.

“Morning angel”

A/N: try and keep any spoilers to a minimum please for those who haven’t read this chapter yet but I look forward to hearing your thoughts!! 🫢🖤

Chapter 7

[bengiyo]

Hi, i'm a newish bl drama watcher from thailand that just started watching thai bls. i'm a bit ashamed to say that for a long time as a gay man living here i've been avoiding bl shows like the plague cuz of both the fandom reputation and of misconception from my yaoi era which i leave far behind. i'm just want to ask how did you got into watching thai bls and what were you preconception before you got into it.

Welcome to the Tumblr side of BL fandom. I'd actually like to also hear more of your experience with yaoi and BL as a gay person growing up in Thailand if you're willing to share.

For me, I'm a Black American from the Gulf Coast (the South). I grew up in a Catholic city and spent my entire adolescence in the closet. Despite having a sense of who I was as early as 8 years old, I kept most of that to myself. Because I didn't talk about it much with people, I found out most information about queer media and queerness from the internet.

I entered BL via queer cinema. I think the first explicitly gay character that I remember from TV was Marco from Degrassi: The Next Generation. There were probably others, and definitely more subtle expressions, but when I think about the oldest gay character I remember and connect to, it's Marco. I don't like counting things like shipping Shawn and Corey on Boy Meets World or Tai and Matt on Digimon for oldest gay characters. Sailor Moon can't even count because we got a censored version of it in America.

I got access to satellite television away from observing eyes around age 16 and started watching content on Logo back when they aired gay content regularly. I watched basically whatever I could late at night. It's how I saw movies like Get Real (1998), Beautiful Thing (1996), and Bent (1997). It's also how I saw Queer as Folk (2000-2005) Noah's Arc (2005-06).

After hitting adulthood I mostly got lost in video games and standard American TV for a while, but I did basically show up to any Gay Event in TV. I appreciate that Stef and Lena from The Fosters (2013-2018) were some of the only TV lesbians to survive the horror of 2016.

I watched a bunch of movies in this time, many of which appear on the Queer Cinema Syllabus I made for a hypothetical Westerner new to BL and queer cinema, which @wen-kexing-apologist has decided to try to complete.

I got into Thai BL in 2018 accidentally. I started seeing gifsets of Kongpob telling Arthit he'll make him his wife passing around Tumblr and was basically like, "Right, what's all this then?"

I had watched a few Thai gay films, mostly notably Love of Siam (2007), Bangkok Love Story (2007), How to Win at Checkers Every Time (2015), and The Blue Hour (2015), but this was the first time I was seeing a long series made available so easily from any Asian country.

From there I got into Make It Right (2016-17) and Love Sick the series (2014). Once I realized that yaoi had moved beyond manga and a few anime adaptations, I went looking for a lot more. I basically haven't left since I started in about 2016 with SOTUS.

There's my basic entry into the genre. I don't think I was as worried about fandom and worries at the time because so much of being a fan of queer cinema was a mostly-private experience for me for so long. I didn't realize that BL fans active in the space would predominantly be women or queers figuring themselves out. It took a while to adjust to that, and also to adjust my expectations of the kinds of queer stories BL distributors were willing to fund.

That being said, I tend to agree with @absolutebl that BL has a useful role in normalization for non-queer audiences who encounter it. I like cheering BL when it does things I think work really well, and also deriding it when I think it does things that are offensive to help nudge the genre and offer my perspective as a gay man.

I like the place we're at right now where there's way too much to watch for any person with other hobbies and responsibilities because it means that people can pick and choose what's to their tastes.

More often than not, I'm probably most-invested in something airing from Japan because of my melancholy nature, but there's so much variety these days that it's okay if you don't like everything. I certainly don't!

I'm glad you joined us on Tumblr and look forward to your thoughts!

[v0rewhxre]

Your writing is so good, pls keep it up! Also if possible could you do headcanons or smth for Noah taking the reader (his so/gf) virginity ?

Of Course!!!

I will write it as a head cannon!

18+ MDNI

CW: [protected p in v, mentions of m and reader oral, slight praising, mention of condoms and lube, mentions of penetration, mentions of sexual positions, mentions of taking virginity, implied unprotected p in v]

This one was a little harder for me to write cause my first time was absolutely terrible! I hope y'all enjoy it :)

You were always embarrassed that you had waited so long to have sex, but you trusted that waiting for the right person was the correct path for you. And when you started dating your boyfriend, Noah, you felt the timing was correct.

Noah knew it was a big deal, but didn't want to make you feel 'othered' cause of your choice to wait. He would never push for anything, and you often pulled away when things got a little too intense. But one day, you just WANTED Noah and you wanted ALL of him.

You took an everything shower for the first time and boy was it TEDIOUS! You shaved everything, used exfoliant, washed your hair, washed your body, and made sure everything was smelling perfect. You used lotion on your entire body, brushed your hair, and put comfortable clothes complete with cute undergarments that you knew Noah would love.

Noah also spent a lot of time preparing. He made sure his room was spotless and lit your favorite candle. He grabbed a towel just in case there were sex juices everywhere. And of course, his bed had clean sheets and was nicely made. Noah took his everything shower, though not as intensely as yours, he wanted to make sure he smelt great. Noah bought you flowers, placing them in a vase on his desk. He wanted to make it a big deal, but not draw too much attention to the big moment that was about to take place.

Of course Noah had the most perfect playlist, full of all your favorite slower songs and some he added for their sensuality. He even threw a few Bad Omens songs in there for haha's to lighten the mood.

When you arrived, you felt awkward for the first time in your relationship with Noah. The air was a little heavier, and you were on edge. Noah gave you small touches as you made your way to his room, putting his hand on the small of your back and holding your hand. When you walked in your heart filled with love. He bought you tulips, your favorite flower, and the room smelled so heavenly that you felt you were floating on a cloud. He even had your favorite song playing quietly in the background. His LED's were set on white, but were dimmed to a lower level.

You were very nervous. Noah gave you lots of kisses, even humming along with the playlist to keep the nerves down. He was very verbal in asking if you wanted to continue, making sure you consented to each thing he did. He asked if certain things felt good, adjusted if it didn't. He tried to give you oral, but you weren't quite comfortable with that intimacy yet.

You weren't quite confident in doing things for Noah. You had given him oral a few times, and had even snuck a few handjobs at the movies but never when you were this nervous. Noah was patient and kind as you figured out the rhythms and movements he needed, praising you with 'Like that, yes I love that' and 'Good girl'.

Noah bought 'For Them' condoms to make sure there were all the ridges for extra pleasure for his partner. He wanted to make sure you felt as good as possible. The condom also had lube on it, and he even bought more lube on the side just in case. He wanted to make sure everything was perfect, pleasurable, and comfortable as possible.

When it was finally time, Noah entered you very slowly. You were in missionary, a classic first sexual position and one where Noah had control to please you. At first he put just the tip in, and moved inch by inch until you took him all the way in. You were slightly embarrassed by your body's reaction, it wasn't something you had experienced yet, but Noah didn't seem to mind. He waited a few minutes for you to adjust, receiving a verbal cue that you were ready.

As he proceeded to do slow soft thrusts for a few minutes, your body needed him in different ways. Your nerves were replaced by pleasure you had never experienced. It was deeper, more intense, and you wanted to chase the feeling for eternity. Noah gave you soft kisses the entire time but once you bit his lip and started practically sucking his face, Noah understood. His pace quickened, thrusts becoming harder and deeper. And Oh that felt GREAT.

You had always heard losing your virginity could be painful and usually you wouldn't feel pleasure, but what society didn't always mention is that it could be amazing when you loved/trusted someone. And you loved and trusted Noah a lot.

"I think I am gonna cum" you whispered in Noah's ear. You weren't really sure, but the way your body felt and the noises coming from under the blanket were evident something was near.

"Me too" is all you heard before you both crashed over the edge. You moaned so loudly that you were sure his roommates heard, but you did not care because Noah also moaned just as loudly. You came together, with Noah's lips pressed to yours. His thrusts were sloppy but still worked you through the orgasm you had.

When the pleasure dulled, and you were both panting, you looked in his eyes and said "Thanks for making that special, I love you" and Noah responded "I love you more than I love anything, thanks for making my life feel special".

Noah provided the best aftercare ever, using the towel to clean you up. He made sure that you peed afterwards. He ran a bath for you to relax in, allowing your body to 'cool' down. Of course... the bath was the perfect opportunity to practice riding Noah...

**********************************************

Hope you enjoy!

[starsomens]

Can you write something based on Death of Peace of Mind? It’s so smut potential 🫠🫠🫠

Note: ABSOLUTLY. I'll be involving the lyrics but not in the bad relationship way yk?? i hope that makes sense

Warnings: THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION!! SMUT! Dirty talk, penetration, dominant Noah, Oral (Female receiving), semi rough sex, knd of mirror sex??, slight degrading, i-miss-you-sex, based on the song but not in the "bad relationship" way. use protection!

You were currently waiting at the terminal for the boys to show up. This was a surprise however for Noah! You had spoken with jolly before the left and he sent you all the travel information.

Leaving was always the harder part for you both. He would love for you come with him, but touring is a job and a half. He wouldn’t want to stress you out or work you to the bone. So you’d say you prolonged and sometimes tearful Goodbye, praying it goes by quicker than you think.

You watch the screen carefully for his flight to be announced. You shuffle from side to side both excited and nervous. The door of his flight lights up and it meant he was coming soon. You made sure you were away from the crowd but also somewhere he could see you clearly.

A familiar tall male had entered the terminal and you had to refrain yourself from running to him. He hasn’t noticed you just yet, so you carefully wave at jolly. He whispered something to Noah and he looked around confused. His eyes finally met yours and your face breaks into a large smile as he walks to you quickly.

“Baby” he nearly whispers as he captures you in his arms for a long hug. He straightens out and lifts you from the ground slightly. He face comes from out of your shoulder to kiss you deeply. Oh how he missed kissing you like this.

“Baby..Princess…sunshine..” he says between kisses to your lips “I missed you so much”

“I missed you too baby. A lot” you say as your eyes water a bit. His large thumbs coming to wipe them away. After your small reunion you say hello to the rest of the band and find your way to luggage. The entire time was filled with hugs and kisses whenever you could get them. After getting your luggage you actually split in the parking lot since you had driven there. The drive back was mostly catching up, kisses at the red light, pictures, and even some new tshirts he had saved for you.

Once you had gotten home you were trying to open the door but someone had started to get handsy. His large figure encasing yours as his hands wonder your body. As if he was trying to memorize the map of your body again

"Noah, baby we gotta get inside first" you chuckle as you felt his digits crawl under your shit and massage the flesh. His lips finding their place on your neck.

"Y/N, baby. I've been gone from you for too long to be patient, I need you." he whispers into your ear. You could feel him hardening as he pulled you closer. Finally you had gotten the door open and were able to get inside. Lips never leaving one others as clothes wore torn off and forgotten on the floor. You make your way up the stairs as best as you can, stumbling one or two times Refusing to break contact. Once in his room, the door was closed and you were pushed onto the bed.

"Fuck princess, I fucking missed you" he groans as he kissed down your body. he came to his knees and pulled down your panties. "I missed how you taste." without hesitation he pulls your knees on to his shoulders and dove into your pussy like a starved man.

"Oh fuck! Noah Please!" you throw your head back on to the bed as you relish in the feeling of him eating you out. He's said it before and will prove it over and over again, he loved eating you out. He loved how he could have control over your pleasure, make you squirm, moan and loose control. One hand sat on your thigh, keeping you open for him, while the other moved up and down you leg caressing your knee every now and then.

Your fingers scratch and pull at his scalp as he lapped at your clit. His lips wrap around the sensitive bundle and sucks on it roughly. You felt something prodding at your entrance, Noah then slips in his middle and ring finger.

"You take me so easy baby. So wet, just for me." he watches as his digits pump in and out of you

"Noaaahhh~" you whine as he curls his fingers to brush against that spot

"Yea baby, let me hear you." he smirks giving small licks to your clit "Gonna cum for me? Like my good girl? Cum for me." your hips buck into his mouth as you feel yourself come closer. He could feel how you constrict around him, he knew you were close. His fingers rub against your spot and his lips suck on your clit pushing you over the edge. Coating his fingers in your cum, he pulls them out and gives a long lick to your aching pussy.

"Your taste, it's addictive" he said coming up from the floor "Now, on your hands and knees baby" as you flip over his hand comes down for a firm spank on your ass. You jump with a surprised squeak

He slides himself into the heat of your walls and groans from the tightness. You let out a weak moan from the fulness of his dick, but also the sensitivity from your last orgasm.

"Fuck, baby. You're so fucking tight. God I missed you so much" In this moment, he couldn't help but remember his performance whenever he was singing those famous lyrics. Every time he sung. those words all he could think about were moments like this. You're most passionate and intimate moments together and how he missed them when he was on tour. It felt like he almost couldn't breathe without it. He missed you. Your touch, the way you tasted, the way you moan his name, the way you'd crumble in his hold, everything.

His hands comes to your shoulder and pushed you down to the mattress. The meat of your ass pressing into his hips just how he liked it.

"Look at yourself princess" he comes down to your shoulder and whispers as he laid kisses to the skin "look how you were made for me. This pussy is mine, you're mine." he pulls out nearly half way and plunges back in. He finds a steady rhythm, his hips meeting your ass, the erotic sound of skin against skin fill the room.

"that's it, my good little slut" he pants focusing on either the mirror or your figure

"Ah Noah! Right there!"

"Yea baby...fuck! Say my name!" he growls picking up his pace "I fucking missed that...say my name."

"N-Noah...fuck " you whimper out "Noah I'm close!" you whine. The familiar feeling of a tight knot formed in your stomach. Another wave of sweet ecstasy was just in reach. But of course, the man you loved pulls out just when you were ready to cum

"Noah!!" you whine from the throb he left behind. He chuckles at your frustration and sits on the bed facing the mirror. His legs hanging over the edge

"Come get on me baby. I know you miss fucking this way" if he wasn't right you'd be pissed. Crawling over you straddle him with your back facing him. You hold his dick in place as you sit down on the length and sigh feeling him much deeper than the last position you were in. His hands roam up your body and cup your breast and give them a squeeze.

"Yea just like that baby. Fuck yourself on me" he encourages you as he sucks on your neck, leaving his mark over your skin. "Fuck princess. My dirty little princess, likes watching herself me huh?" he growls with a nip to your ear

"Y-yes Noah!~" Noah meets your hips half way, buckingupwards, filling the room with sinful noises.

"Fuck! Squeeze me just like that! Where...do you, want my cum?" he asks feeling himself come close to bursting

"Inside, please....p-please baby" you moan as you ride him harder, his tip hitting your cervix

"..fuck, fuck baby! I'm gonna...cuming!" his arm wrapping around your waist keeping your close to his own body as his other hand turns your face his way to hold you in a kiss. He filled you so deliciously, to the brim just how you remembered. he pulls out of you carefully and you turn around. His lips kissing yours again but much sweeter and softer, as if he were making up for the rougher sex.

"How about a nice shower to clean up?" you offer

"So we could make another mess in the bathroom?" he laughs

"Ha ha, only if you help clean after"

"Anything for you babes" he kisses your cheek." and stands with you to walk over to the bathroom for a much needed shower.

BONUS:

"moonlight?" you ask as your head laid on his chest

"Yes sunshine?" he reciprocated your nickname

"why were you quoting your song while we had sex?" you asked taking notice

"Oh, cause that's how I feel when I'm away from you. I miss every aspect of you and its the 'death of peace of my mind' " he air quotes

"Awh my romantic man" you kiss where his heart lays

"You know you love it" he smiles holding you closer to him

"Yes I do"

「✨Taglist✨」 @lilhobgobbler @cncohshit @vir-tual

[shittyassffblog]

Free bird - Part 3

I can’t, y’all are SO NICE I love you 😭 idk how many parts this is gonna be, but I’m gonna keep writing till I don’t got no more to write about lol, if you want to request something def just do so! Or if you just wanna ask me something, I would absolutely love that!

Part 1 and 2

P.S. You're definitely supposed to sing Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd as you read the title. It's what I do.

@blackveilomens

Warnings: oral (f receiving), not much else as far as I know.

As you were driving over to Noah’s house you talked easily about random things you’d usually talk about. Right now no one would suspect that Noah had just been all up in your guts less than 20 minutes ago, it also seemed like both you and Noah had forgot.

Soon you were at his house and you both stepped out of the car and walked to the front door. Noah unlocked the door and went inside, holding the door open for you. He yelled out to his roommates that he was home.

"Finally, did Y/N's date go so bad you had to stay there?" Jolly yelled back and you could see a tinge of red across his cheekbones. You giggled at that as you walked into the kitchen where you found Jolly.

"Something like that." Said Noah who walked quickly into his bedroom.

"Hey friend, how are you?" Jolly asked as he hugged you.

"Oh you know, pretty good." You said as you smiled back at him.

"Did Noah make you feel better about your date?" He asked and you nodded.

"Mhm, much better." You said and he smiled at you as he sat down beside you. You and Jolly talked as you waited for Noah to be ready.

"Alright I'm ready!" Noah exclaimed as he came out of his room in fresh clothes.

"Did you just change into a different white t-shirt and different pair of black shorts?" You asked and he looked at you with big eyes.

"The socks are a different colour." He said sheepishly and you and Jolly burst out laughing. He walked over to you and you hugged him, still chuckling.

"C'mon, let's get going. Gonna need that ice cream you promised." You said and he nodded. You both said bye to Jolly as you went out the door and this time Noah was driving.

When you got to the mall you immediately went to get an ice cream each, sitting by the water fountain and talking. Noah was explaining the details of their next tour and you were listening intently, your heart sinking a little at the thought of him leaving again. You always felt sad when he left, he's your best friend and sometimes you need him to figure out your problems. But this time it felt different, like it hurt more. You thought it was probably because you now were single so you wanted to keep him close, in case something happened.

"But I'm honestly really excited about the Bring Me tour in the UK, it's gonna be awesome." He said finally and you smiled at him.

"Yeah I mean doing a tour with the biggest metal core band ever is probably the coolest thing I've heard in a while." You said and you both smiled.

"Hi I am so sorry to interrupt but I am such a big fan and I was wondering if I could get a picture?" A girl said as she came up to you. She was obviously a big fan of Noah's so you moved to the side to let her take the picture.

"Yeah of course, don't worry about it!" Noah said as he posed for her selfie.

"Okay thank you so much, bye!" She said as she ran over to her friends and they giggled.

"I'll never get used to that." Noah said and you chuckled.

"Well you better, it's gonna happen a lot more, I just know it." You said and a quiet moment fell between you as you looked at each other. You finished your ice creams and started walking around the mall.

After an hour Noah had to go to the bathroom so you waited out front with the bags of stuff you had bought and was looking at your phone. Before long, someone started talking to you.

"Well if it isn't miss homie hopper herself?" An awfully familiar voice sounded beside you and you moved away. It was Chase.

"What do you want? Leave me alone." You said, looking back at your phone.

"What? I can't have a go? Seems everyone else is, even that sorry excuse of a man you call your best friend." Chase seethed. You could feel the anger boiling inside you.

"You didn't seem to think that about him when he had you pinned to the ground." You rebutted and you heard a grumbling coming from him.

"You know, even Steven had a turn didn't he? Yeah he told me, how you were just begging to fuck him right?" Chase said and before you could retort, Noah was stood behind him. You turned to Chase, anger heating you up inside.

"No, Chase, you don't get to talk about me like this. I didn't fuck Steven because he was a dick, but even if I did that's no business of yours. My sex life has nothing to do with you and quite frankly you're not worth my time. Please leave me alone, Chase. I mean it." You finished, not looking away from him for once second. He seemed a little taken aback, but his gross smirk returned fast.

"So you did fuck someone?" Chase asked and before you could react, Noah stepped in.

"She quite clearly set her boundaries with you. And I thought I told you to leave her alone?" Noah said, gripping Chase's shoulder and ripping him around.

"I- uhm i- I don't-" Chase muttered and Noah smiled.

"I don't really care what you have to say. Just go." Noah said and he scurried away.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want step on what you just said, which was very brave and cool by the way, but it seems violence is the only language he understands." Noah said and you smiled.

"I know, I don't blame you. I blame society." You said and Noah grabbed the bags from you to carry them.

"Let's build a commune in some far-away country and exit society together. But first, Starbucks." Noah said and nodded his head towards the cafe in front of you. You thought about living with Noah suddenly. It was a nice thought. But coffee was nicer.

After a coffee you went back to the car to drove over to Target where you spent at least an hour and a half. When you walked out you had a bag full of nice smelling candles and some fall decorations. You got back in the car and you just sat there for a bit.

"I don't wanna stop hanging out." Noah said suddenly. You looked back at him, then smiled.

"Me neither. You wanna go get take out and watch a movie?" You asked and he smiled widely at the suggestion.

"Yeah I want that a lot. Should we go to my place today?" Noah asked and you nodded. Noah started driving and you decided to get Taco Bell. You held the food as you drove back to Noah's.

Once you arrived you hurried inside as it had started raining. You took off your shoes and left them by the door and went into the kitchen to get paper towels, forks and plates. You then went to go to Noah's room when you almost bumped into Jolly.

"Oh you're back. Didn't know you were coming here." He said and you smiled.

"Yeah sorry, it was kind of impulsive." You said and he smiled.

"No problem at all, we love having you here." He said and let you pass. You opened the door to Noah's room and saw he had added a lot more light strips around his bed.

"You're really going for that gamer aesthetic huh?" You mused and he feigned offence.

"I'll have you know..." He trailed off, pretending to find the right words. "Okay yeah I have no rebuttal for that." He said you both laughed. You got situated on his bed and pulled up HBO so you could watch The Last Of Us. You had bonded over the game when you were younger and promised each other you wouldn't watch the show without each other. And with him being on tour a lot you waited patiently for times like these where you could binge a whole show in a day, or more accurately in this case, night.

With the plates and take out bags long forgotten on the floor, you found yourself cuddled up to Noah. It was so nice you started to drift off and the last thing you remembered was Noah squeezing you a little tighter.

----

When you regained consciousness the next day it was to the feeling of Noah's hands on your hips and his lips on your stomach. You blinked open your eyes and looked down to the best view you could've hoped for. Noah was kissing along the edge of your panties. He felt your body move so he looked up at you. He smiled, tugging slightly at your panties as if to ask for permission. You granted it by nodded with a smile, and he pulled them completely off, replacing the heat of the cloth with the heat of his lips kissing every part of your pussy.

He moved his hands to your thighs and pushed your legs apart. He hummed an approving sound at the sight of you and dove right into your pussy. He was a man on a mission and he wasn't waiting around for anything. You moaned at the feeling of his tongue on your cunt, his thumbs separating your lips so he could fuck you with his tongue.

"Oh Noah." You moaned and he paused what he was doing.

"Shh baby, don't want anyone to hear. Gotta be quiet." He said as he licked a stripe from your hole to your clit, sucking on it lightly.

You grabbed his pillow and brought it up to your face to cover any sounds coming from your mouth. his middle finger gingerly entered you and immediately searched for your spot of pleasure, finding it no problem. You buried your face in the pillow, the pleasure being almost too much. You squirmed around uncontrollably, so Noah used one arm to hold down your hips as he continued to fuck you with his finger and stimulate your clit with his lips.

You could feel you orgasm approaching so you wrapped your legs around his chest and squeezed as your orgasm reached its peak, throwing the pillow away so you could breathe and opening your mouth as if to scream but no sound came out.

You grabbed Noah's hair, tugging and pulling partly because the waves of pleasure washed over you, partly to keep Noah's head exactly where it was. the suction his lips had on your clit was unrelenting and his finger, no doubt cramping by now, didn't still for a second as he made sure you rode out the entirety of your orgasm. When you relaxed your legs and your grip on his hair, he removed his lips from your heat, pulling out his finger carefully. He licked them clean, making sure to not waste a single drop of your release. As you came down he came back up and kissed your lips, making you taste yourself.

"G'mornin'" He said as his head fell back onto his pillow. You chuckled as you rested your head on his chest, hearing his quickened heartbeat.

"Morning." You said. "What about you?" You asked and he shook his head.

"You don't gotta pay it back every time y'know." He said as he looked down at you. You smiled as you cuddled closer to him. You laid there for a few minutes calming down.

"Can I ask you something?" Noah asked after a while. You hummed as if saying yes and a few second went by before he responded.

"Can we ever go back to normal again?" His tone was very neutral, so it was hard for you to know exactly what he meant.

"Do you want to?" You asked nervously. You hadn't wanted to admit it to yourself that you quite enjoyed what you and Noah had right now, going back to normal seemed almost impossible.

"Not particularly. But I don't really want to go to bed with other people while I also do it with you. Seems careless." He said and you didn't answer. You heart kind of sank at his words, the thought of him being with other people crushing you inside.

"Me neither." You settled for. Tears were stinging your eyes and you wondered how you got here. Was it all really worth it? Fucking your best friend just to go back to normal and then he finds someone new while you nurse your broken heart? And was that broken heart even over Chase anymore? Or was it Noah instead?

[paintyoureyeswithavividmind]

close to home | chapter twenty seven

close to home | chapter twenty seven

plot: the reader throws herself into work to keep her grief at bay, and helps get everyone ready for their journey north

series masterlist

Pairing: Eventual Daryl Dixon x f!reader Word Count: 2,496 Warnings: violence, blood, typical twd, A/N: thank you for reading!!!

It had been two days since Beth’s death, and every day started out the same. You were okay when you woke up, then you remembered, and you wanted to cry. Then you were busy with the day and were able to get through it. Then, you lay down to sleep and remembered all over again and cried. Then it would repeat itself. 

You learned about Rick’s plans on going to Virginia for Beth, and you immediately agreed to it. You wanted to honor your little cousin in the only way you knew how. You wanted her death to mean something. If you got Noah back to his family, his home, then it would. 

But the group had things to do before the big move. You needed better transportation, and you needed supplies. So on the last day before you left, you were all busy getting ready. 

Two supply groups were formed and would head in opposite directions. You’d travel twenty-five miles, see what you could get, and then come back. You were all due before sunset, and if you weren’t back, the remaining group would come looking. 

You were with Michonne, Carol, Rick, and Daryl. Glenn, Maggie, Rosita, Sasha, and Tara would be the second group. Carl, Eugene, Tyreese, and Abraham would stay back at the campsite with Judith and Tora, and would wait. Rick wanted you to stay back, but you couldn’t. Besides, you were feeling better. Physically, at least. 

Your group took one of the cars, the other group took the other car, and the campsite group stayed with the truck. It would offer the most protection in case something happened. 

You were sitting in the backseat with Michonne and Carol and had been for a while now. The road was mostly clear, and after about fifteen minutes of Rick’s crazy driving, you approached a town. 

“I’m thinkin’ we divide into two groups. We need food, water, and gas. We need stuff for Judith, too.” Rick said as he parked the car. “We also need some cars. The van will hold a decent amount of us, but we’ll need two more cars. I don’t think this one is makin’ the trip, and I’d rather not get stuck on the road with it.”

You climbed out of the car, your hand gripping your machete as you spotted a lone walker. You waited a second before approaching it, taking it down quickly. The rest of the group was taking out some supplies the group had scavenged the past few days--which was nearly nothing, though Rosita scored big when she found some empty gas containers. 

“Michonne and I will look for food. You three try and get your hands on a car. Meet back here at midday, and we’ll reassess if we want to go back in for more.” Rick said. 

You all nodded and made the journey into the town. It mainly seemed deserted, with a few walkers here and there that were quickly taken out. Soon, Michonne and Rick bid their goodbyes, and the three of you were left to scavenge. 

Twenty minutes later, you were breathing deeply and covering the sore wound as Carol took the last walker down. It’d only taken a few minutes but it felt like more. 

“There’s gotta be keys inside the shop,” Carol said. “You two pick a car, and then we’ll try and figure it out from there. I’m going to try and siphon some gas. Hollar if you need help.”

The three of you split up as you searched the small car dealership. When you’d seen the logo of a common car manufacturer, you felt like it was a sign from God. The lot was pretty full, and most car dealerships had cars with full tanks. 

You returned to where most of the SUVs were, Daryl, walking slowly behind you and making sure nothing was around. Your gun was heavy and solid against your thigh, and you drummed your fingers against it a few times as you walked. 

Your eyes scanned the few remaining SUVs, and you smiled when you saw the biggest one. It was an old Acadia, and it reminded you of the one your mom used to drive. You walked up to the door, wiping dirt away with your hand and then wiping your hand on your pants. 

“This will hold seven of us. We got seventeen, including Judith….” You trailed off, checking to see if the door was unlocked. It was, and you stuck your head into the car. “Seems like it was pretty new.”

Daryl walked to the passenger side door and looked in the glove box and visors. A pair of keys fell out, and you smiled at Daryl. He handed them to you, and you started the car. It took a second, but it started, and you sighed with relief. 

“Tank is full, which is a relief. You might want to check the engine. It's been here since the start. Imma look for another seven-seater.”

Daryl nodded, “Shouting distance,”

You rolled your eyes but nodded before leaving. It was quiet, and the dealership seemed mostly untouched--which you were thankful for. You glanced back at Daryl, watching him sort through what was probably a dusty engine. You paused momentarily, watching the muscles in his arm contort as he looked through the machine. 

Shaking your head, you looked across the lot to Carol, who was siphoning the gas from a car. You then walked around, looking for another bigger car to hopefully get you all to Virginia. Unfortunately, the rest of the SUVs weren’t worth trying, so you helped Daryl get the car out of the spot and park it at the front of the lot. Carol met up with you with a full container of gas, and after setting it in the trunk, you drove the car off the lot. 

“Okay, so we got a car and some gas. We just need food and water. I think we should see if we can get some clothes. I’ve got blood on here that’s so old and stained that nothing gets it out.” You said as you drove. 

“There’s a Goodwill; looks like a coffee shop next to it,” Carol said, leaning into the front and pointing. 

“We should see if we could get Judith some clothes too. Maybe a car seat, too, if we could. I’m sure Rick would love that,” You said. 

After parking, Carol went to the coffee shop while you and Daryl checked out the front of the store. A few walkers dumped into the glass, and you and Daryl worked carefully to kill them. It wasn’t a very big store anyway. 

“Smells like shit in here,” You said, looking around the store. 

He snorted, “Ain’ like it always smells.”

You nodded in agreement and walked down the aisles of clothes. You started at the pants, grabbing a few pairs the group's women could use and stuffing them into a bag you’d found at the front of the shop. You weren’t sure what everyone’s sizes were, and everyone being nearly starved didn't help. You did your best to fill up some clean shirts, too, even a few sports bras you hoped would be good. 

You found a few things for yourself to change into, and after making sure Daryl was across the store, you quickly changed.

A few more minutes of searching later, you approached Daryl. He was grabbing a few plastic water containers in the kitchen area. “Here, I found these for you. Will these fit you?” You asked, showing him the clothes you’d found for him. 

“What?”

“You need new clothes. Those ones are disgusting. Go, try them on. I’m going to look for Judith. And don’t argue with me.”

You handed them over to him and went to the baby area without another word. You quickly grabbed a few onesies, shorts, and shirts that would fit her, with room to grow. You grabbed some socks and shoes that looked right. Unfortunately, there was no baby food, but this was something. You even found a car seat, and added it to the growing pile of supplies you made in the middle of the store. 

When Daryl met you, he had changed into newer clothes. They were just a pair of dark pants, a shirt he’d already torn the sleeves off, and his vest. But he looked better. 

“Did you grab some stuff for all the guys?” You asked. 

“Huh?”

You sighed, shaking your head. “We should grab some shirts for the guys. So they could change too.”

“I ain’ doin’ all that,”

You rolled your eyes and walked to the men’s section. It took about ten minutes for you to find stuff that would fit them all--since they were all different sizes. But you had enough shirts for them and wouldn’t even bother trying to guess pants sizes. At least all the women in the group were similar. And you had no idea how to look for men’s clothes. 

After adding them to the pile, you walked towards the employee door and slowly pushed through, checking the small break room before entering. There were some dusty tables and two vending machines in the back. You started laughing when you saw them. They were still nearly full. 

“Daryl!” You yelled, grabbing your machete. 

The door swung open after a few seconds, and he came in with his bow raised but lowered it when he saw your face. 

“Food,” You said, “Help me?”

Daryl looked at you, of course, unspoken on his lips. So he nodded and took the arrow out of the crossbow and then used the butt of it to break open the glass. 

“Careful,” He said quietly as you reached in, pulling out everything and shoving it into one of your bags. 

“Mhm,” You hummed, grabbing candy bars, bags of chips, pop-tarts, and granola bars. It wasn’t the healthiest of foods, but it was more than you had. You grabbed a blueberry pop-tart and ripped it open. It was stale when you took a bite, but you moaned at the taste anyway. “Oh my God,” 

Daryl shook his head in amusement as he busted the other vending machine and pulled out all the water bottles. 

“Here, eat,” You said, handing him the other pop-tart. He tried to refuse, but you forced it on him. “You gotta take care of yourself, too, Daryl. Hand me one of those sodas.”

“They probably taste like shit,” He said. 

You shrugged, taking the soda from him and sitting on one of the tables. A meal of stale pop-tarts and flat soda wasn’t what you had in mind today, but it was like finding a little slice of heaven in the hell you’ve been in. 

Once you finished your food and made Daryl drink, you went to grab the bags. The one with the water bottles was too heavy, and you barely lifted it off the ground. “Ugh,” You groaned. “You take this one.”

Daryl laughed quietly and you looked over at him. Hearing him laugh was a rarity and you loved when he did. 

“C’mon, Carol’s probably wonderin’ where we at,” He said. 

It took you two a good few minutes to load up all your supplies in the trunk, and you were sweating and aching when it was over. The truck was packed, and you tossed the car seat in the back. Before Daryl closed the trunk, you swiped a bag of chips. 

“It’s our reward for all the work we did,” You said, opening it up. Before you could even take a chip, Daryl swiped it from you and took some himself. “Asshole,” You said. 

He laughed again and handed the bag back to you after taking a few more. 

“Bags are mostly air anyway, so you owe me,” You said. 

“Let’s go check on Carol,” He said. 

You followed him as you ate handfuls at a time. You’d been starving since yesterday, and you couldn’t stop yourself from eating the shitty chips. 

The coffee shop was small, and Carol was inside. She’d found a decent amount of supplies in here. She’d found a few jugs of vegetable oil, cornmeal, and grains. An industrial size thing of oats. There were two can openers and some lighters. Nothing that you’d all be able to just open and eat, but it was better than nothing. 

“I found you some clothes,” You told Carol, grabbing some of the supplies. 

Carol smiled at you, “You’re my new favorite.”

***

By midday, you were waiting in the new car with all your supplies at the meeting point. Michonne and Rick weren’t back yet, but there was still time. You were sitting on top of the front of the car, leaning against the front window. Daryl had gone off into the woods to see if he could do some hunting for a few minutes. 

Carol was pacing back and forth on the road. 

“They’ll be back. It’s Rick and Michonne.” You said. 

Carol nodded, “Yeah, I know. I hope they found water.” 

You sat up and squinted in the sunlight. “We’ll figure it out if they didn’t.” 

Carol turned back at you. “You told Daryl.”

You knew exactly what she was talking about. “I needed to… needed to tell someone, you know?”

She nodded and crossed her arms. “I understand. I’m glad. He asked about it. It was nice talking to someone about it.” She admitted. 

You were about to lean back when you heard a car and watched as a car sped over the hill toward you. You didn’t need to even attempt to worry about who it was--Rick’s driving was a dead giveaway. 

The car slowed as they approached, and when Rick put it in park, they both got out. They looked like they had a bit of trouble but were okay. 

“How’d it go?” You asked them. 

“We found a small apartment building. Probably only ten units. Single floor.” Rick said, “We only cleared a room before heading back. There are probably two dozen or so walkers there. Where’s Daryl?”

“He went to see if he could catch anything. He’ll be back soon. He said he’d be gone for twenty.” Carol said. 

“Did you get stuff from the apartment?” You asked. 

Michonne nodded, “Yeah, they had a decent amount of food.” You knew exactly what that meant. Whoever it was, they killed themselves early on. 

You slide off the front of the car, ignoring the slight ache on your side. “So you wanna clear it?”

“I’d like to. We have the time. How did you guys do? I see you got a car.”

“We found a decent amount. Oh, I got some clean shirts. Michonne, even got some pants.” You said, “Not for you, Rick, sorry.”

“I’ll take a shirt. You won’t see me complaining,”

[misspygmypie]

hello. im in panic because i had this idea and I CANT GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD

so, basically y/n is childhood friends with max verstappen and charles leclerc, but y/n moved away so they lost contact. when she and noah went to the meet and greet, they didn’t see her… so, one day lando and y/n takes noah (and their little girl too, if that’s not much for you to write!) and y/n see her both childhood friends and run to them, hugging and catching up with them, and that leaves lando and noah jealous because y/n’s full attention is on the two drivers - both lando’s friends - in front of them.

that leaves lando to ask something like ‘I thought you were a papaya girl?’ and y/n answers with a ‘i always was a red bull and ferrari girl first, i just never told you’

The circuit was alive with pre-race energy as fans, mechanics and team members hustled and bustled in preparation for the big day. Among the crowd were Y/N and her young son, Noah, both eagerly soaking in the sights and sounds of the Formula 1 world. Y/N had been dating Lando Norris for a few months now and she appreciated how he made an effort to include her and Noah in his world. Today was a special treat - Lando had arranged for them to get an exclusive behind-the-scenes look at the entire paddock.

Noah, clutching his miniature McLaren car and looking up at Lando with admiration, was practically bouncing with excitement. “This is amazing, Lando!” Noah exclaimed. “I never thought I’d get to see all this up close!”

Lando grinned, clearly delighted by Noah’s enthusiasm. “I’m glad you’re enjoying it! We’ve got a lot more to see. How about we check out the driver’s area next?”

They continued their tour and Y/N found herself enjoying not just the sights but also the company. Lando had a way of making everything seem exciting, from explaining the intricacies of the car designs to sharing funny anecdotes about race day. The ease of their conversation and the way Lando interacted with Noah made Y/N feel even more connected to him.

“Lando,” Y/N said, as they walked past the bustling garages, “I can’t thank you enough for arranging this. It’s not just Noah who’s thrilled, I’m pretty excited too.”

“It’s my pleasure,” he responded to her with a warm smile. “I’m glad you both are having a good time. It’s nice to share this part of my world with you.”

They continued to explore, Lando pointing out key features and introducing them to various team members. When they rounded a corner near the Red Bull and Ferrari garages, Y/N’s attention was caught by two familiar figures. Max Verstappen and Charles Leclerc were standing together, engaged in conversation. The sight of them made Y/N’s heart leap. It had been years since she had seen them and the surprise of actually seeing them brought back a flood of memories.

Without hesitation Y/N squeezed Noah’s hand and started walking briskly towards Max and Charles. “Max, Charles,” she called out, her voice both excited and emotional.

The two men turned, their faces nothing but astonished when they spotted Y/N. Max’s eyes widened as recognition dawned. “Y/N? Is that really you?”

“Yes, it’s me,” Y/N’s face lit up with joy, “I can’t believe I’m seeing you both here!”

Charles, equally thrilled, stepped forward. “This is incredible! It’s been ages. How have you been?”

The three of them embraced warmly and the air was soon filled with laughter and animated conversation. They quickly fell back into their old rhythm, catching up on each other’s lives and reminiscing about the past. Noah stood beside them, looking up with wide eyes, soaking in the reunion.

Lando, meanwhile, was left standing a few steps behind. He had been following along with interest but was now watching with a puzzled expression as Y/N, seemingly out of nowhere, rushed towards Max and Charles. He was momentarily disoriented, having no clue about Y/N’s past connections with the drivers.

Max, who had been listening to the exchange, smiled at Lando. “I had no idea you were dating our childhood friend.” Charles nodded, adding, “but it’s clear that you and Y/N make a great team. We’re happy for both of you.”

“So how did you all meet?” Lando inquired, genuinely curious, and Charles recalled their story.

How, around the age of ten, Y/N moved to Monaco with her family, which allowed her to be closer to the heart of European motorsports where her dad used to be a karting coach. It was here that she met Max Verstappen and Charles Leclerc. Max and Charles were both young karting prodigies and their paths crossed frequently at various racing events and training sessions. Y/N became fast friends with both drivers and the three formed a tight-knit trio.

When they grew older their careers took them in different directions. Y/N's focus shifted to her studies and she moved to London for university. Max and Charles continued their ascent in the racing world, their careers skyrocketing as they made names for themselves in Formula 1.

The demands of their careers and Y/N’s new path led to a slow drift apart. They stayed in touch for a while but as their lives became more complex the frequency of their contact diminished. By the time Max and Charles became prominent figures in F1 Y/N was focused on her own world and then she got pregnant with Noah and they lost touch.

As the conversation between Y/N, Max, and Charles continued, Lando and Noah found themselves standing off to the side a bit. Noah, clutching his miniature McLaren car in one hand and Lando’s hand in the other, watched with wide eyes as his mother and her old friends shared stories and laughter. Lando as well observed the interaction with a mix of curiosity and unease.

Noah shifted from one foot to the other, his excitement about being at the race quickly giving way to a subtle feeling of abandonment. “Lando,” he said quietly, “why isn’t Mom paying attention to us right now?”

Lando glanced down at Noah, sensing his disappointment. “I think she’s just really happy to see her old friends,” he said gently. “It’s probably a big deal for her.”

Noah nodded but didn’t seem completely reassured. He continued to watch his mom who was animatedly talking with the two men, her laughter ringing out as they reminisced about their old days.

Lando’s own feelings of jealousy began to stir. He had been looking forward to spending the day with Y/N and Noah and seeing her so absorbed in the past while he and Noah stood on the sidelines left him feeling excluded, especially since he had no idea they even knew each other.

“Hey, Noah,” Lando said, trying to shift the mood, “why don’t we find a place to sit and watch the action from there? We can still see them but maybe it’ll be a bit more comfortable than just standing here.”

Noah reluctantly agreed and they found a spot near the edge of the paddock where they had a clear view of Y/N, Max, and Charles. They sat together, with Noah perched on Lando’s knee, both watching the animated conversation unfold.

Lando took a deep breath, trying to reconcile his feelings. He understood how special this moment was for Y/N but seeing her so absorbed in the past made him feel sidelined. He tried to focus on the positive aspects, like how happy Noah looked whenever he glanced over at his mother.

After a few minutes Y/N noticed Lando and Noah sitting together and realized how much she had been monopolizing their attention. She excused herself from Max and Charles and walked over to them, a look of concern on her face.

“Hey, you two,” Y/N said, kneeling down beside them. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to leave you out. I got caught up in the nostalgia, I guess.”

Lando smiled warmly, though his eyes betrayed him a bit with jealousy. “It’s okay, Y/N. We were just hanging out and watching. It’s important to you, so it’s important to us.”

“Yeah, mommy,” Noah nodded, his earlier disappointment softened by his mother’s attention back on him, “It’s cool. I just missed spending time with you.”

Y/N reached out and squeezed Noah’s hand, then turned to Lando with a grateful smile. “Thank you for being so understanding. Let’s make the most of the rest of the day together. I promise I’ll give you both my full attention.”

Land guided Y/N and Noah back to the McLaren area and he couldn’t help but say what was on his mind. “Y/N, I have to admit, I am a bit confused. I thought you were all about McLaren, a ‘papaya girl’ as they say.”

Y/N looked over at Lando, her smile still radiant from the reunion. “Oh, I was a Ferrari and Red Bull girl first, I just never told you.”

Lando’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Really? That’s news to me. I had no idea.”

Y/N chuckled. “Yeah, it’s something I kept to myself. I guess I wanted to focus on the present and the exciting things happening now but seeing Max and Charles again, it just brought back so many memories.”

Lando smiled warmly. “Well, I’m glad you had the chance to reconnect with them. It’s great to see old friends catching up.”

Eventually, Y/N turned back to Lando with a grateful smile. “Thank you for being so understanding,” Y/N turned to him with a grateful smile, “this day has been incredibly special.”

Lando reached out and took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “It’s my pleasure. I’m happy to be a part of this moment for you. Let’s make the most of the rest of the day and enjoy every bit of it.”

________

I hope I got this right 🥰 if not please let me know and I can rewrite!! 🫶

[carlsangel]

MATCH UP #1

@idekraeven, your match is glenn rhee!

✦ first of all lemme tell you this man is so nervous around you because of how GORGEOUS you are. he’s absolutely in love straight off the bat. he’d be so awkward when talking to you, he’d stumble over his words a bit and say a lot of “uhhh”

✦ you never EVER have to worry about him being disrespectful he practically worships the ground you walk on. he’s literally your biggest fan and would never do anything to jeopardize your relationship, he’d also never give you a reason to believe you’d done anything wrong. you guys are the same when it comes to overthinking so he makes sure to communicate really well.

✦ he loves his alone time with you. during parties like Deanna’s at Alexandria, he liked being off to the side and talking to you quietly while you observed others. But when Noah was feeling discouraged and was ready to leave, you started to be a bit more outgoing to make him comfortable which made him love you so much more.

✦ since your love language is physical touch, he does provide a lot of that for you, in simple and harsher situations he comforts you by wrapping an arm around you or holding your thigh or hand. however, his love language is gift giving. he goes on runs often and every single time he comes home with a gift for you.

─── ⋆⋅ 𐚁 ⋅⋆ ───

You’d have a walkie-talkie with you so he’d be able to check in and let you know when he’d arrive back at Alexandria’s gates to meet him. One day, you’d receive the message and you make your way out of your house and down alexandria’s roads. He’d exit his car and spot you which puts an immediate smile on his face. He’d walk over and place a kiss on your cheek rather than give you a hug as he had a good amount of walker blood all over his shirt.

Glenn takes your hand and walks you back to the house. He takes a shower so he could actually give you some form of affection that is more than just a simple kiss on the cheek. He gets in some comfy clothes and once he’s out, he’ll walk over to you and give you the largest bear hug. His hugs are just amazing so after a long day of him being absent it’s just perfect.

He sits you down in bed and takes your hand in his, making sure your palm is flat out. He places something cold against it and when he moves his hand, it’s revealed to be a necklace with a locket. “I found it on the run today.” He subtly places his hand on your knee, moving his thumb back and forth over your skin. “I thought, maybe we could figure out a way to get a picture of us in there. I suppose Aaron could help.” He explains, a gentle smile on his face.

You’d obviously lean in for a hug which he happily reciprocated. That would in fact end in cuddles until you both fall asleep.

msg from rina: your req reference image was so cute! i hope u like it!

[the-golden-comet]

✨OC Facts Tag✨

Thank you for creating this tag game, @mysticstarlightduck ! And thank you for the tag @theink-stainedfolk , @illarian-rambling , @thecomfywriter , @topazadine , and @saturnine-saturneight ! I’m excited to try it out with my OCs! 💛✨

Rules: Make a list of fun facts about your OCs. Like a headcanon list, if you will! Except it's actually canon lol.

Let’s start with Peter Hart

Facts about Peter:

Shot himself through the back of his calf as a teenager. He got scolded relentlessly for it by Davey and Georgie who were quick to patch him up.

Before getting with Benjamin, I put Peter down as “treasuresexual” Yeah. Really. 😂He didn’t have any eyes for anyone other than Benjamin, making Peter canonically homosexual.

His moniker “Peter The Golden” holds many meanings. To rival pirates and ports, it’s on account of his golden hair and black-and-gold aesthetic. To his crew family, he is “The Golden Hart”

Peter was always a rascal from early youth to adulthood. Often times, Peter would get caught and arrested for pickpocketing residents in his hometown. Sometimes, Officer Ralph would bring Peter home to his scolding mother in metal cuffs. Other times, Peter spent the night in the clink. Due to his mischief, Officer Ralph and Mary Hart became acquainted with each other often, and eventually got together.

Facts about Benjamin:

Has an insanely high alcohol tolerance. He got used to the wine and frivolities of parliament when he was around all the royals.

Is bilingual in English and French. He can hold conversation with another bilingual crewmate Jacques du Lorraine. He’s also hurled insults at Peter in fluent French, causing Jacques to nearly double over in laughter.

Is the shortest and smallest member of The Golden Phoenix Gang. Most members of the crew are around Peter’s height of 196-199cm, though with VASTLY different builds (Davey has more of a dad bod, and Peter is just ripped). Benji, on the other hand, rests at 170cm with a very thin build. Canonically, he is a twink.

Is both the luckiest and unluckiest member of The Golden Phoenix Gang. In a tabletop game, he would either roll 1s or 20s. Nothing in between 😂

Moving on to YWIMC:

Facts about Noah:

Is originally from a small farm town in Georgia. He took voice lesson training to try and hide his southern accent, but when Noah lets his guard down and gets comfortable, it can sometimes slip through.

Double majoring in History and Architecture. He’s 23 and already in grad school, which should say a thing or two with how hard he works himself and almost can work off of fumes alone

Has Autism Spectrum Disorder (level 1). This is canon and heavily alluded in the story from his sensory processing difficulties, to his aversion to crowds, social anxiety, hyper focus on his studies, special interest in bridges and architecture, difficulties in expressing emotions, and finding the comfort of home to be his most productive and happiest space. ASD can be expressed differently in other people (I have it), so I pulled from my own experiences to write Noah here.

Facts about Ali:

Ali had a rich father who tried to get him to be a sultan/powerful influential figure in Saudi Arabia. His father arranged a marriage for Ali, who fled the day of.

Is a practicing Muslim. He is halal, observes Ramadan, and yes—prays from the Quran. A lot of his character is identity struggles; his religion says that his sexuality is sinful, but that’s how Ali was born, and that’s what makes Ali happy. This creates an internal conflict with how he tries suppressing his desires, and often wonders if he should have sacrificed his own happiness to appease his father, and his god. This dichotomy is very complicated, and has been a challenge to write….but he will get a happy ending with Noah 👍

Has had previous masters with wicked hearts die horrific and ironic deaths. For example, one of his masters wished for 70 wives who were all virgins. His death? Stabbed 70 times while he slept, each wife stabbing him once. Another master wished for glorious fame and fortune, only for dissenters to stone him to death. Ever heard of the tale of The Monkey’s Paw? That applies here.

That was a good exercise. I’m going to tag (no pressure): @gioiaalbanoart , @wyked-ao3 , @sunglasses-in-the-bentley , @honeybewrites , @drchenquill , @aintgonnatakethis , @willtheweaver , @jev-urisk , @noxxytocin , @thatuselesshuman , @theverumproject , +open tag for whoever else wants to divulge some facts about their OCs! ✨

[tikosblogg]

HIDDEN HEARTS//PT 2.

Summary: love triangle? you grew up with folio, you are best friends. Both in very successful bands. folio tries to ignore his hidden feelings for you, especially when the one and only Noah Sebastian steals your heart.

Warnings: angst, lil make out sesh, nothing crazy.

A/N: welp I had ALOT of time on my hands today, SO here is part two! I’m so excited for this story, part three will more than likely be out tomorrow afternoon LOL. ALSO thank you all so much for the love and support you’re sending my way! It means the absolute world to me.❤️

I woke up the next morning, with a pep in my step. I am so excited about today. This song is fucking sick, and I can’t believe I get to sing it for the band. I walked to the closet picking out a hoodie and some sweats, throwing them on. Nick texted me that they were on their way 15 minutes ago. I have to make time today to sit and talk to him. I need to figure out what is going on. I didn’t bother fixing my hair, or putting on makeup, since I was going to get it done there anyways. I grabbed my belongings and walked out waiting for the guys to pull up.

Five minutes later, a black suv came pulling into the driveway. Jolly rolls his window down “get in loser, we’re going to shoot a music video.” He smiles at me, opening the door from the inside for me. I threw my head back with a laugh, at the mean girls reference. “Here you can sit next to Noah so he can talk your ear off about his anime show.” Jolly laughs moving to the third row of seats.

I slide in next to Noah, with a small smile. “We can change seats if you want, lungs” Nick suggests from the front passenger seat. “Oh it’s okay really, thanks nick.” I patted his shoulder, as he gave me a small nod turning back around as Ruffilo pulled out of the driveway. “You like anime?” Noah leans in and whispers, I let out a giggle nodding my head yes.

We pulled up to the set, a lot of cameras and people swarmed the area, some fans linger outside the building, waiting for Bad Omens to make an appearance. We pulled around back to a secluded area and made a beeline inside, straight to hair and makeup. The guys walked me to a room that had a whole vanity set up, and racks of clothing.

I said hello to my makeup and hair stylists for the day. They were really sweet women. The hair stylist Jenna, got to me first. She took the straightener to my long blonde hair, straightening it pin straight. She sprayed some texturizing spray, and hair spray to make sure it stayed put. Next Sarah came to do my makeup. It came out flawless. It looked almost eerie?

I’m supposed to be playing a rogue AI. It’s amazing seeing Noah’s vision come to life. I thanked them both, as a guy came in, and lead me to the racks of clothes. He pulled out a sheer white outfit. I took the outfit from him, sliding it on. The white long sleeve turtleneck was soft against my skin. I looked up towards the mirror, my tits clearly visible through the shirt.

I felt my cheeks flush. I’m not really embarrassed of my body, but I’ve never worn anything this sheer. I feel like I might as well be wearing plastic wrap as a shirt. I shook my nerves away, sliding into the bottom half. Thankfully they came with white underwear type bottoms. My most important bits, thankfully being covered. The man I learned who’s name is Jon walked back in, adjusting the outfit.

“Perfect, it looks amazing on you hon.�� I smiled, thanking him as he walked me to set. When we entered, all the guys were standing around a big glass box. My eyes widened at how beautiful it looked. It was exactly like I pictured it when I was explaining it to Noah. There was a chair dead in the center of the glass case. The floor was covered in what looked like green moss.

I gasped when I saw the cutest Snow White bunny, sat in the corner of it. My sudden outburst caused all the guys to turn their attention to me. “Damn y/n….you look great!” Nick smiled, as I walked over to them. They all nodded in agreement, as I thanked them. I looked over at Noah, who was frozen still eyes glued to me. I gave him a small smile, getting worried that he hated it.

He cleared his throat, taking a step towards me. “Wow…you uh..you look amazing.” I could see a slight pink tint cover his cheeks, making my confidence shoot through the roof. Did I really just make him blush? Fuck yeah I did. “Thank you Noah.” We did what felt like hundreds of takes. Some in the glass case, and more on a gurney, and even the hallway.

After finishing them, Jon took me back to the dressing room grabbing me another outfit. He quickly shoved it into my arms making his way out of the room. “Change quickly hon, they need you back out there in 5.” He slammed the door behind him, as I stood there dumbfounded. I looked at the “outfit” in my hands, looking like a bunch of leather straps. “What in the hell?”

Well after 5 minutes, I finally got it on. Turning towards the mirror, I froze in horror. I thought the first outfit was bad….I look like I belong in hustlers magazine. This one piece was literally just straps. I twisted around in the mirror, looking at myself from every angle.

The bottoms were cut very high, my ass no doubt making its appearance. My tits barely fit into the top. My thoughts were interrupted when the dressing room door swung open. “Hey is everything-.” Noah walked in, pausing when he saw me. All of sudden I felt completely bare. I could feel my cheeks getting hot.

“Oh um yeah, sorry…couldn’t figure the uh…the straps out.” I stammered, awkwardly gesturing to my outfit. He said nothing, as he quietly shut the door behind him. I let out a half hearted chuckle, as he slowly stalked over to me. I could feel my heart pounding, the closer he got. He said nothing, stopping just in front of me.

I held my breath waiting for him to say something. We were so close to each other at this point, I could feel the heat emitting from his body. He slowly raised his hand, reaching for the strap at my hip untwisting it to lay properly against my skin. “There. You ready?” His voice was low, and husky. I nodded my head, afraid to even open my mouth, afraid of what would come out. He smiled, and I followed him out of the room back to set.

We finally finished up, at about 12am. All of us were exhausted, and ready for bed. We piled back into the suv, headed back to my place. This time Noah drove, and I sat in the very back with Nick. Noah had the radio playing, while jolly scrolled through his phone in the passenger seat, and Ruffilo was passed out against his window.

“Are you okay Nick? You’ve been acting weird for the past two days…did do I something?” He looked over at me, with his brows furrowed. “Of course not y/n. I’m sorry, I’ve just been a little stressed out is all.” I nodded my head, not really believing it. So I pushed a little further. “What’s got you so stressed?.”

He shook his head, looking down to his lap. “You know I love you right?” I smiled, bumping his shoulder with mine. “Of course, I love you too.” He nodded his head with a weak smile. “All I want is for you to be happy, no matter who it’s with.” I furrowed my brows confused, about to ask what he meant when jolly’s voice broke the silence of the car.

“Thank god, I’m so tired of being in this car.” Everyone agreed, as we all climbed out. “We still have to drive to our place dumbass.” Ruffilo laughed, as we entered my air bnb. They all looked rough. I felt bad for them, they still had a 30 minute drive home. “Why don’t you guys just crash here? There’s plenty of space.” I offered, and they all perked up. “Really? That’d be awesome actually.” Jolly said, slumping onto the couch.

I smiled, kicking my shoes off at the door. “Of course make yourself at home.” I walked back to my room, ridding my clothes and hopping in the shower. When I got out, I walked back to the living room to see jolly, and both nicks already passed out on the couches. I looked around, wondering where Noah was until I saw the sliding glass door to the patio slightly open.

I walked over to it, peering out seeing Noah on one of the couches, scrolling through his phone. “Hey…everything okay?” His head shot up, his lips forming a smile. “Yeah, I just can’t sleep. Too much going on in here.” He tapped the side of his skull, setting his phone down on the little coffee table in front of him. I nodded in understanding, stepping out and shutting the door behind me.

“Want some company?” I asked, standing to the side, waiting for an answer before I just plopped down beside him, not wanting to invade his space. He nodded his head, and patted the spot next to him. I sat down, criss crossing my legs to get comfortable. He was the first to break the silence. We talked for a while, about anything and everything. Just enjoying each others presence.

“You did great today y/n, I know this video is going to be amazing. Your creativity is mind blowing. I loved all your ideas, they really helped bring it all together.” I blushed at his praises, looking down at my lap. “Thank you Noah, you too. I can’t tell you how much I love the song. The visions you have for this whole album are fucking sick.” He laughed, thanking me.

“Did you like the wardrobe choices? Sorry if they were a little much.” He smiled, looking over at me. “I was a little caught off guard honestly, but looking back now I think they were pretty badass. I think I did them justice.” I laughed jokingly, looking over at him, when I didn’t hear him laughing with me. He was staring with a serious expression, making me nervous all over again.

“You looked amazing y/n.” I don’t even know who leaned in first, but before I knew it his lips softly grazed mine. I threw caution to the wind, and leaned the rest of the way in. It started off innocent, our lips just pressed together in a simple kiss. We slightly pulled away, our foreheads still touching. Both our breathing turned heavy, as his hand came up grabbing my cheek and pulling me in for another. This time was faster, and more rushed.

I felt his teeth nip my bottom lip, and I opened up to let his tongue slip inside. He pulled my body closer to him, as our tongues softly played with each other. A soft whimper left my mouth, bringing me back to reality. I jerked away, quickly standing from my seat. “Fuck Noah. I’m so sorry….I shouldn’t of…fuck.” I quickly turned around, headed back inside. “Wait y/n-“

I slid the door closed, and beelined for my room. Fuck! What did I do? This is not a good idea. I like Noah so much, so fucking much but I’m terrified of causing issues in the band. Nick is my best friend, I don’t ever want to jeopardize his career, or any of theirs for that matter. Noah is one of his best friends, It just feels so wrong. My feelings for Noah are so strong, but my love for Nick and our friendship mean more. I have to do what’s right…stay as far away from Noah as possible.

[tigtree]

hello!!! *offers you this fic i’m writing in exchange for your trc goldfinch au please* (whenever you have the time <3)

- @you-know-i-get-itt

hello!! yes!! i’m so sorry this has taken me so long, life’s been a bitch LMAO 😭 and THANK YOU FOR THE FIC!!!!! i just read it and you have such an incredible writing style, i always devour your fics! if you ever end up writing more for it, please lmk!!

okay, buckle your seatbelt because this AU is so scuffed and still remains unfinished (though i’ve been working on bits and pieces over the last couple of weeks) so i’m not sure how much sense this is about to make? apologies in advance LMAO

okay, so the snippet shared beneath read more is from the very beginning of the story… or the end, depending on how you view it. either way, it’s the beginning of the fic i’m working (slowly) on for this AU.

an important note about this AU is that the concept of dreamers/dreams is completely thrown out, because i was struggling to make it fit, and so instead of the Barns being full of fantastical wonders, it’s art. (which i’d argue is a fantastical wonder anyway, but like. not magical in a fantasy sense)

There’s an underground secret market for artists here, and Niall happens to be a pretty prominent figure. The Barns are full of sculptures and paintings and all kinds of artwork, though many of these fellow artists aren’t happy with Niall- he gets himself into some trouble over stealing art and reselling for a whole lot more money than it should have been. He does all of this under a pseudonym, manages to keep his dirty work anonymous, until they figure him out.

One thing leads to another, and Niall Lynch is found dead in the driveway by his middle son.

Aurora has been sick for a while, and the stress of her husband’s death contributes to the rapid decline of her health, meaning Declan has to step in to care for his brothers while their mother is in hospital. Declan had been helping his father for years with the scam- though he’d been morally against it in many ways- and knows that ‘the bad people’ will be back to claim all of the artwork from the house. He therefore packs it all away, and sets it on the drive with a note begging them to just take it, and please leave his family out of this.

Ronan views Declan’s hurry to get rid of their Dad’s stuff as an attack, a dismissal of not just his grief but of their father’s life. He secretly takes a painting from one of the bags- The Goldfinch- and stashes it behind his bookshelf.

I’m really aware that I’ve typed so much so I’ll be brief with the rest Aurora dies, and the freaking art mafia people realise there’s a painting missing- The Goldfinch- and Declan decides they’re moving to DC to get away. Ronan refuses, and ends up staying with Gansey for a while. Through Gansey he meets Blue, Adam and Noah, and things feel okay- until he returns briefly to the Barns and finds a letter containing both Gansey’s address, and Declan and Matthew’s address. He panics, makes his way to DC, confides in Declan about it, finds out they’ve been having ominous happenings relating to the art. Declan decides they’re selling the Barns and townhouse to move further, Ronan isn’t happy with this. More stuff happens, he ends up trading the painting with the agreement that Declan and Matthew will not be bothered again.

While all of this is happening, Ronan and Gansey lowkey have something homoerotic going on, and Ronan is tits-over-toes in love with Adam.

i’ll shut up now, but the gist of it is that The Goldfinch is a sort of physical manifestation of Ronan’s grief- he’s unable to let go of his father, of the past, but eventually has built himself enough of a support system to finally let go of his father and properly grieve. there’s also a focus placed on the small choices that build up, over time, into something more- the Butterfly Effect, and all that.

——————

It’s cold, this time of year.

Ronan’s hands shake as he fumbles through the junk drawer, his fingers numbly brushing over various wires, receipts and plastic soldiers as he hunts for a lighter. He knows there will be one in here- the centerpiece candle on the dining table was lit on what must have amounted to hundreds of occasions over the years. Aurora would send one of the children to this drawer to dig out the Zippo lighter they kept handy for Sunday dinners and Easter lunches, and would allow the chosen child- for she kept the names on a rota- to light the candle.

The lightbulb in the kitchen has stubbornly refused to emit any light tonight, and so Ronan’s not sure what he catches his hand on. He retracts it from the drawer with a hissed Fuck, presses the cut to his mouth and unceremoniously kicks the counter. His entire soul feels disregulated, like it’s jittering around within the confines of his skin, pushing and pulling and desperately attempting to claw its way out.

It’s like the painting had been fused to his very existence, and- with it gone- he’s missing a vital organ.

He braves the drawer again, this time proving successful as his fingers tighten around the cold metal casing. The weight is familiar in his palm as he hurries back to the sitting room, dropping to his knees in front of the wood burner and flipping open the silver cap. When he reaches through the door, twisting his arm until he can catch the kindling with the flame, he catches a glimpse of his reflection on the dark glass.

He can’t quite believe it’s himself. He’s grown since he was last in this spot, learning to light the fire with his father at his side, and something inside of him lurches at the bags under his eyes and the hard lines of his face.

He breathes.

Pulls his hand from the catching flames.

Shuts the metal door.

Doesn’t think about punching the glass hard enough that it’ll shatter, take his mind off of the painting, send his brothers calling, let them all live under this one roof again and pretend nothing bad has ever happened to them. Let them pretend they’re kids, watching over one another while holding down the fort until their parents return from another business trip.

He doesn’t think about the painting.

Which is to say that he definitely does think about the painting.

It’s a parasite- or maybe Ronan is the parasite. Hungry. Unable to survive outside of its host, feeding off of the thrill and the regret and the addictive nausea that overwhelmed him whenever he pulled back the plastic wrapping and caught even the briefest glimpse of canvas.

The little bird had taunted him. Begged him to set it free. Unchain it from its perch and let it go.

Ronan’s phone buzzes somewhere behind him, but he doesn’t move. Doesn’t pull his eyes away from the flames.

It’s probably Gansey. Insomniac Gansey, unaware that Ronan has just ripped his heart from his chest and sold it for his brothers. Gansey, looking for someplace to ramble about kings or someone to hang out with or someone to tell him that he’s alive. Ronan had never understood Gansey’s occasional panic over whether he’s really here or not- if a person is capable of worrying that they might he dead, they probably aren’t.

Ronan kind of gets it now.

Still, he ignores the phone. He lets the heat settle on his face, draw out the dead chill from his bones, and thinks about what he’ll do tomorrow.