#i felt so bad for flinching whenever the dr got close to Do Her Job

[calamitouscynic]

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[lesbian-dp]

A Shocking Turn Of Events

Natasha Romanoff x Reader

Words: 1,878

Warnings: A/B/O/, strap on sex, breeding kink, I think that may be it... other than idk what I’m doing with this stuff lol.

Request: Yee.

Summary: Your first rut in ten months goes better than you could have hoped for.

A/N: I’ve changed it up some. Bc I don’t feel comfortable writing a smaller reader and stuff. Hope you don’t mind! Also. I have done research for this... but I’m still rlly new to all of this stuff. So, just keep that in mind.

Ko-Fi

18+ ONLY.

***

Sometimes she didn't understand you. Well... in reality, she didn't understand how you were an Alpha. More so, how you were her Alpha.

With how stead-fast and hard she was.

And how goofy and the ball of light you were.

It's not as if Natasha was the only one who thought that. Anyone who knew of you thought the very same. It was all over the tabloids the day the media found out you were an Alpha.

It was even worse when Steve had accidentally let it slip that Natasha was an Omega. And that you two were newly dating.

Man, he was a blabber-mouth that day.

That was seven months ago and you and Natasha were still going strong. Stronger than ever actually.

Even with the playful discussion you and she were having right now.

"I'm just saying," Natasha spoke with a smile, "You don't seem like the type to be an Alpha."

"Do you know how many Alphas are like me?"

"Well, stereotypically then."

You threw your head back, laughing.

"I mean, come on!" she continued, moving her hands to gesture to herself, "I should have been the Alpha out of us two."

"Well, considering we're going off of stereotypes here. Little you, being an Alpha? I can't see it," you chuckled.

"Oh, shut up."

"Not to mention you're a bottom."

"I said "shut up"!" Natasha yelled, playfully throwing a cushion at you.

You caught the fluffy pillow easily, with one hand, just before it collided against your face. Her outburst causing you to boom out with laughter.

"You may be the top. But you're not dominant like most Alphas are."

"I thought you liked that about me," you said from your spot laying almost haphazardly on your bed, watching as Natasha slowly started to make her way out of the room.

"I love that about you," Natasha turned to say, "But once in a while, I wouldn't mind being fucked within an inch of my life."

Your jaw dropped as she left your room. Leaving you, and the pang in between your legs, to deal with her words, smirk, and swaying hips.

You were sure she was going to be the death of you.

***

It had been almost ten months since your last rut. Those higher dosage pills Dr Cho had given you, really worked the trick. It's not that you didn't want your rut, but you had a job to do. A very important job to do. And you thought it would be best if your rut wasn't there every three months.

And oh, God. It had been a while since your last one. So, when you woke up this morning and felt how that "weird feeling" you had throughout the whole previous day, was suddenly stronger, and more recognizable as to what it truly was.

Your rut was well on its way.

And right now. It was annoying you. To. No. End.

"Why do you have a cushion on your lap?" Bucky asked amused, pulling your attention away from the TV, "It's not like you're gonna hide anything anyway."

"How about you shut the fuck up, Barnes?"

Natasha squeezed and rubbed at your shoulder, from where she sat next to you on the arm of the sofa, hoping that her mannerisms would get you to calm down somewhat.

"Oo-oo-oh. Someones testy." You snapped your head around to glare at Tony. But before you could say any remark to the billionaire, he continued to speak, "But I do agree with Y/N, here. Just because she can't hide anything with that cushion, doesn't mean it's not comforting for her."

"Wow, Tony... I think that may be the most caring sentence I've ever heard you say," Steve said.

"Yeah, thanks, Tony."

"No problem, Y/N/N. Anything I can do to keep the big bad Winter Soldier off your ass."

The proffered man laughed sarcastically, before ripping off his Wakandan made metal arm, without even flinching. And flinging it at Tony, successfully hitting him in the face with it.

"Okay!" Natasha called out, raising her hand, that was not upon your shoulder, to stop the bickering men-children. "Knock it off, boys. You're not helping the situation right now."

"Fight me, Barnes!"

"Come at me, Tin-Man!"

"Right! That's not happening!" Natasha yelled out, jumping up, grabbing your arm, and tugging you with her.

You listened to the semi-playful squabble play out behind you, as your girlfriend dragged you towards the elevator, and undoubtedly to your room.

***

Four hours later, and you were still in the same place as when Natasha had pushed you into your room, laying on your bed, all sprawled out, staring at the ceiling, and groaning lowly. The red-head watching you from the chair by your desk, with a small smile on her face at your childish response to your incoming rut.

"You know you're not the only one going through this stuff, you know?" Natasha points out, " Because of you going through your rut, it's triggered my heat."

"Yeah, but your suppressants are different from mine. You don't have all of your pre-heat bullshit," you whined.

"I'm just licky, I guess." She smirked.

"'I'm just licky, I guess'," you mimicked Natasha's words, making your voice an octave or two higher. Which was counterproductive, considering her voice was husky.

"I do not sound like that!"

"'I do not sound like that'."

That still didn't stop you though, did it?

"You're an asshole."

"'You're an asshole'."

"I will kill you," Natasha grit out.

"'I will-"

Yeah...

That might not be the best thing for you to do.

At least you caught yourself before you finished your sentence. Glancing at Natasha, then instantly directing your eyes away from her.

Before she actually killed you.

Natasha watched you for a few silent moments. Her lips up turning in a small smile when you suddenly groaned again.

"Okay you, big baby." The red-head moved around the bed to lay by your side, on the small amount of space you had left from being sprawled out on the bed. "It will hit soon."

You let out a concealed grumble at her words, closing your eyes just as Natasha began rubbing your shoulder and upper chest.

"Do we have everything we need?"

"Yeah." She nodded, lovingly kissing your cheek. "We have some water and snacks in here. And Thor said that he will leave some more outside the door whenever we need." She pats at your chest. "And the strap is ready-and-roaring to go. All we need is for your rut and my heat to hit."

"Yeah," you said hotly under your breath.

Natasha noticed the light sheen to your skin. That, paired with your heated breath, sounding like you had just finished a heavy workout. And the tingle that ran up her spine, her body starting to rock up against yours, breathing picking up mimicking yours.

"It's not gonna be long now," you continued. Turning your head, eyes locking onto Natasha's lustful ones. Yours, assuredly, the exact same watching the Russian nod lightly, "A few minutes at most."

You closed your eyes inhaling deeply, basking in the feeling of Natasha's soft lips against the side of your neck.

The next time you opened your eyes, they were fully blown with lust. So black that you could barely see the small ring of your eye colour around them.

Your rut had finally hit.

Turning to face Natasha once again, to make sure that she was in the same state as you, and by the way her eyes mirrored yours, you knew she was. You glanced down to her lips, then back up to her eyes. Asking for permission, even if you already knew the answer. You got it anyway. And you sealed the deal to your next few days, with a passionate kiss.

***

Natasha was moaning underneath you. Sounding like a wanton whore with all the cries she was letting out.

And you were only just starting to fuck her with your knotted strap.

"My God, I don't think I've ever seen you this wet before."

You could feel every rock you made, thanks to the toy curving inside of you.

The red-head panted below you, her hips gyrating against yours chasing her fast-approaching release.

"Fuck," you hissed into Natasha's ear, causing a shiver to travel down her spine, "Are you close already? It hasn't even been five minutes yet."

She moaned. "I just can't help it. You feel so good inside of me. I don't think I'll ever be able to get enough of you."

"Well, that's a good thing," you stated in a growl, as you kept pushing Natasha towards her first release, "Because I'm not stopping any time soon."

***

Hours later, dawn was just beginning to break, and Natasha was on the brink of her umpteenth orgasm. You didn't know how many she had already experienced. It could have been five, ten- God damnit, it could have been twenty-five. But that wasn't what mattered right at this moment. What truly mattered was the girl riding you like she would die if she didn't.

“Aww, baby, look at you," you cooed, passing your thumb over her puffy kiss swollen lips, rubbing the tears streaming down her cheeks into the parched, tender skin. "You're crying and still riding me just like I told you to do. I bet you’re tired, aren't you? All worn out from cumming over and over. But you’re still a good girl. You’ll give me one last orgasm, won't you?"

"Yes. Yes, Alpha, I will."

"That's my good girl."

“Oh, Y/N. I’m gonna come!”

��Do it,” you husked, “Do it. Come on my cock.”

Natasha screamed at your words, but you could tell she was close, but just couldn’t slip off the edge. Grabbing her hips, you pushed forward, so that Natasha’s head lay on the end of the bed. You started fucking into her, cocking your hip, to hit a pleasurable spot inside of her.

Natasha grabbed the sides of your jaw, pulling you down to her level. Wrapping her arms around your neck kissing you passionately.

"Fuck. I'm gonna breed you. Gonna fill that tight little pussy up to the hilt with my come, you want that don't you? You little slut?"

Even though that wasn't possible, you sure liked to talk like it was. And, so it seemed, Natasha did too.

"Yes! Please give it to me!"

You were so lucky that your bed had yet to break under the pressure of your thrusts. Even now, as you worked harder into your girlfriend, the bed took the pounding like a champ. And so did Natasha. It was almost like she was made for this.

For you to be able to hold.

To fuck.

To love.

You came a few seconds before she did, as you rode out your high, you brought Natasha to hers. Yet you still had enough mind to push further into her. So that the knot was buried deep within her, giving in to her craving that she had since her heat broke.

The red-head chuckled lightly while you peppered kisses across her neck, chest, and shoulders, a few minutes later.

"What's so funny?"

"You really did fuck me within an inch of my life then."

***

Perminant Tag List:

@imnotasuperhero, @veteranwerewolf95

[chkristae]

Hello, Choices fans.

Me? Posting one of my fanfictions? Pft, it looks like it.

Hello again, you don’t know me, but you can call me Ckristae. As you can see I’m (probably) just like you, or you can say Ethan Ramsey fan (or not, it’s up to you, who you prefer from Open heart).

I found out there are not many fics of Ethan x male MC, or I am just bad at finding them.

But let me say my interpretation of one of my favourite quotes: If you cannot find it, write it. Well and here I am.

I am not sure if anyone will actually read it, but well… here I am, still.

And also let me say that this idea hit me while listening to song Surrender by Natalie Taylor.

And also I want you to know that English isn’t my first (mother) language, so there are probably (surely) grammatical mistakes. I hope it’s at least readable (?)

I don’t know if I am going to post more fics, but let’s say I love writing and coming up with stories. I actually write fics and original stories in my mother language (which is Czech, is anyone there from Czech Republic?) on different platform. This is my first time posting something in English.

Well enough of talking, let’s go reading!

Ps: Name of my male MC is Sebastian Valentine.

-

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x male MC (Sebastian Valentine)

Summary: Sebastian has decided to finally end it, for his and also Dr. Ramsey’s sake. He is going to act professional with the man who means so much from him. Can he stay by his decision? Or will he surrender to his own feelings?

Words: 6 000 + (6 826), (trust me when I say it wasn’t supposed to be that long, but well, here I am)

Surrender

Sebastian

Sebastian knew that he had to be professional, that’s what they agreed on. Ethan was his boss so it had to be that way. There couldn’t be more between them even if it was what they desired.

Every day Sebastian told himself, that he is Ethan’s subordinate and that made Ethan his boss. But despite that he couldn’t forget about what they experienced together. There was strong bond between them and also feelings that he thought he would never experience in his life. All those moments with Ethan, all those gentle touches and feelings of belonging, meant so much for Sebastian and he cherished them.

Sebastian longed for more. He wanted more of those moments, more of Ethan. He caught himself several times thinking about Ethan, when they weren’t together. And when they were together he tried his best to resist his feelings and the urge to touch Ethan, even if they were in public. Sebastian wanted to hold his hand like normal couples did. He wanted to touch him, hold him and be held by him.

But it was impossible and also very inappropriate. Ethan was his boss, as he constantly reminded himself. And that was also what Ethan told him every time, when they were alone and let themselves surrender to their feelings for each other.

Sebastian knew he was screwed. He didn’t even remember when it actually happened.  When he started feeling so much for the man who was the reason he decided to study medicine and became doctor. For the man who was his mentor.

Sebastian even tried to convince himself by saying that there was an age difference between them. But he was lying to himself; age didn’t matter to him at all.

So he decided to end it completely. He decided to act professional. He decided to play role of Ethan’s subordinate. Nothing more, just co-workers. Boss and his subordinate.

-

When Sebastian arrived at the office of the diagnostic team he found out, that only Ethan was there. He had almost an hour before his shift started and Esme came too. He hoped to get some time before he had to face his decision of creating distance between them. He wanted to be alone to get ready, but it looked like the world was against him.

He caught himself staring, again. Ethan was sitting behind the table, where they usually discussed their patients. Ethan was scowling at some documents in his hand.

In the morning light Ethan’s features were even more beautiful than normally. And Sebastian always thought that this man was beautiful. His blue eyes, which stared at him inquisitively, were now concentrating on the paper. The wrinkle which appeared between his eyebrows whenever he was scowling. Wrinkles around his eyes when he smiled or was amused by something. His lips that curled into smile, when they were joking around. His tall and surprisingly muscularly figure under the doctor’s coat. Sebastian knew that well because he saw him naked several times.

Sebastian forced himself to come to his senses. He decided to stop it and move on from… he even couldn’t call it a relationship. It was the only way for both of them.

But he chickened out. He wasn’t ready to face him, not this early in the morning when his brain craved coffee. He wanted to slip out the room unnoticed, but it was too late.

“Are you going to just stand there, or are you going in?” Ethan asked, looking at Sebastian inquisitively. “And what are you doing here so early?”

Sebastian felt how his body tensed up. He stepped back inside. “Good morning, Dr. Ramsey,” he greeted him with smile, that he always gave to his patients. Friendly and professional. “I woke up early today and couldn’t go back to sleep, so I decided to go early to work.”

“That’s a lot of earlies,” said Ethan with an amused smile. “Did something happened?” his tone changed to concerned.

Sebastian shook his head and ignored his stupid heart that thumbed in his chest. “Nothing, Dr. Ramsey.”

Ethan scowled and opened his mouth to say something.

“Is this our new patient?” spoke Sebastian quickly to interrupt him and nodded towards papers in Ethan’s hands.

Ethan looked at the papers in his hands with a look as he had realised, that he is holding them. “Oh, yes.”

Sebastian walked towards the table and sat opposite him. Every other chair was empty, but he wanted to give himself as much space as possible between them. Normally, he would sit next to Ethan, but from today he decided to change that. Sitting to close to him was dangerous.

And of course, it wouldn’t be Ethan, if he hadn’t notice the change in his behaviour. He was one of the best doctors in the world and director of the diagnostics, of course, he would notice anything abnormal.

Ethan took of his glasses and looked at him questioningly. Sebastian had to restrain himself not to flinch under his gaze.

“What we know?” Sebastian Asked quickly. “I mean, about the patient?”

Ethan blinked and stayed quiet for a few seconds. Then he took the papers and handed them to Sebastian. “Thirteen years old girl. She was complaining about stomach-ache. But the MR and tests hadn’t showed anything abnormal. The pain isn’t that big for surgery, so no one looked inside.”

Sebastian nodded and looked at the papers. “How long the pain lasts?” he inquired and tried to find the information on the paper.

“For almost two weeks,” Ethan replied and got up. He stood behind Sebastian and looked over his shoulders at the paper. As he leaned forward his chest pressed towards Sebastian’s back and shoulder. He felt Ethan’s breath right next to his hear. He didn’t actually know if Ethan used perfume, but he could smell scent that just was Ethan.

Sebastian‘s body had tensed, and his breath hitched in his throat, because of the sudden closeness.

“What do you think it may be?” Ethan asked, probably oblivious of what he was doing.

Sebastian’s plan was screwed, or could be if he stayed like that. So he carefully stood up, because he didn’t want to hit him. “P-probably psychogenic pain?” he asked in a shaking voice. He started walking before the table, while looking at the paper in his hands and was hoping it didn’t look awkward as he thought. “Why she was even brought here? If it’s not that serious for surgery, why she was handed to you?”

“Her father is rich bank manager. Naveen told me to take care of it. He is afraid that if we don’t treat her and later it turns out to be something serious, her father might sue as for not giving her the treatment she required,” Ethan answered. “We can try to give her placebo.”

“Yeah, you can try it,” Sebastian nodded. “But first you should discuss it with Dr. Mirani and Dr. Hirata.”

“I?” Ethan blinked. “If I remember correctly, you are also part of this team.”

Sebastian stopped walking and looked at him. “Yes, o-of course. I just…Yes, you are right. Sorry, Dr. Ramsey.” He lowered his head.

“There is nothing to be sorry about,” Ethan approached him, took papers from his hands and placed them on the table.  “And now tell me what is so wrong with you.”

“With me? Nothing’s wrong with me,” Sebastian laughed. “Why should there be something wrong with me?”

Ethan frowned at him suspiciously.

Good job, Sebastian. Keep going like that and he will send you for a check-up, that he will probably do himself. Are you ready for that he will see you half – naked? He said to himself ironically.

“Sebastian, what’s wrong? You know, you can tell me anything, right?” The painful expression on Ethan’s face made him question his decision.

No, he couldn’t give in. He decided to let them, him, go.

“I didn’t get much sleep last night,” he said and looked outside. “I will get myself coffee and I will be fine, so don’t worry, Dr. Ramsey.”

Ethan narrowed his eyes, but before he could say anything Sebastian walked quickly out of the room. On his way out he almost bumped into Dr. Hirata.

“Good morning, Dr. Hirata,” he greeted her with smile and continued walking. He had to get away as quickly as possible.

He was trying to calm himself down. Because of that he didn’t look where he is going and bumped into someone.

“Sorry,” he murmured his apology and wanted to continue walking, but a hand on his shoulders topped him.

“Hey, where are you going so fast? Is there a free food in the cafeteria or what?”

He looked at who he bumped into. “Bryce, sorry. I was lost in thoughts,” he said to the boy, who was always able to improve his mood. But not today, today was different. Even Bryce might not have the power to lighten his mood.

“Oooh, let me guess. You have some hell of a case and don’t know how to solve it. Well I am just a surgeon, but I might help you,” Bryce proudly shifted his chin.

Sebastian shook his head. “No, nothing like that. I have to go now; Esme is probably waiting for me.”

“Okay, if you say so,” Bryce give him a bright smile. “But if you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me, you know that right?”

“Yes, I know, thanks Bryce,” he smiled at him a hoped it is believable.

He continued walking and this time he looked where he was going. He really had to get rid of these feelings for Ethan, or he will endanger his patients and colleagues. Now he started truly understand why Ethan didn’t want them to be together.

-

The next two weeks went quite quickly. Sebastian felt like he was on an autopilot, when he wasn’t treating his patients, helping Esme or being working the diagnostic team. When he was at home it was much worse. He almost burned dinner when he was helping Sienna and the other time he forgot that he left his laundry in the washing machine. Several times he was also spacing out. And other noticed and of course asked if he is okay. He always said that he was just tired. He was glad they didn’t question him more.

Ethan was not much help either, not that he knew about Sebastian’s decision. Every time they had meeting with the diagnostics they discussed their patients and Sebastian tried to help them found out what the disease might be. Right after they came with possible treatment Sebastian flew out of the room. He didn’t want to talk to him.

He was doing great job until Ethan decided to sit with him during lunch. Sebastian was reading book about DM to revise his knowledge, because he had been given patient with diabetes. His friends were on their shifts, it was one of those days when Edenbrook was quite busy and they had to take turns at lunch. That day he also felt quite down so he said, he will go alone this time. Of course they might ask him about it after work, or they will let it go. As he knew his friends they might keep quiet until he tells them himself.

“What are you reading?”

He lifted his head in shook. He was doing great job whole day of avoiding him. He only met him this morning in the diagnostic room together with Dr. Mirani and Dr. Hirata. The meeting was six hours ago, not like he was counting.

Ethan sat opposite him and nodded toward his phone. “What are you reading?” he repeated his question.

“Ehm. Something about diabetes,” he replied and blinked at his book.

“Why?”

“Ehm…” he started and then, thanks to whoever is up there, his phone ringed. “Oh, sorry. It’s my patient, I have to go.” He stood up and put his phone into his coat. While he was taking his tray and book, Ethan grabbed him by his wrist.

Sebastian felt his heart jump and then it quickened its pace. No. Not again. He groaned internally.

“I have to go, Dr. Ramsey,” he looked at him hoping that he will let go of his hand.

“I just… It seems we haven’t talked much during past weeks. I just wanted to know how you are doing?” he asked him with his typical inquisitive face.

How he hated and loved that expression.

“I am doing fine. Thank you for asking, Dr. Ramsey. But I have to go now, my patient needs me.”

Ethan stared at him for few seconds and then let go of his hand. “Of course, sorry for disturbing you.”

He wanted to say, that he wasn’t disturbing him at all, but his phone ringed again. “Excuse me,” he murmured and quickly walked away.

As he was exciting the cafeteria he quickly looked toward Ethan. Ethan was staring at his lunch with confused expression on his face.

Sebastian’s heart sank. He walked out and shook his head. This way it was better. For both of them. Pain is part of life; he will get over it and Ethan too. In few months it would be as nothing has happened, just a distant memory.

Even though his heart was heavy with pain and he felt tears forming in his eyes. He blinked rapidly to chase them away.

Just a distant memory.

-

Another two weeks had passed. One month since Sebastian decision to keep distance from Ethan.

He thought it would get better. But it actually had got worse.

Yes, he was still avoiding Ethan. Yes, he still stood by his decision.

But every time he looked back at Ethan, after he quickly left the diagnostic room, he saw that painful and confused expression on his face. It hurt his own heart to see him like that.

Was his decision right?

Sebastian was standing in front of coffee machine on one of the hospital’s corridors. He was tired and actually felt little weak. The weather was getting colder every day. Probably he caught something?

“Hey, Sebastian.”

He turned around and saw Sienna with worried expression. “Others told me not to ask, that if you want to talk you will, but… Is there something wrong? These past few weeks you seemed little bit down.”

Sienna, bless her kind soul. She was one of the kindest people he knew. Others were also kind, but Sienna was… Sienna.

He couldn’t lie to her. Not straight into her eyes, he just couldn’t.

He sighed and the machine behind him beeped. He took out his coffee. “Well… if you have time, I would love to talk.”

She smiled at him. “Yes, of course. I will just let know my intern that I am going on a break.”

“Sure,” he nodded.

Sienna also bought herself a cup of coffee. They walked outside, but before that they had taken their coats from lockers. It was chilly outside, but the sun was still shining. Also no one was there, so they had some privacy.

“It’s too cold? We can go inside, if you want,” he said quickly, when he saw how she clenched her hands around her coffee.

She shook her head. “No, it’s fine. I also need some fresh air.”

“Okay. But if you will get too cold you will tell me, okay?”

She nodded. “So… Can you tell me what’s going on?”

He sighed and leaned on the railing and looked at his coffee. “How can you stop loving someone?”

Sienna was quiet for a while. It made him nervous and his heart was beating in his chest. But he quietly waited for her response.

“Is this about Dr. Ramsey?”

He nodded. There was no reason for hiding it. At this point all of his friends probably knew. Except for Aurora, because she wasn’t as close with him in the first year as others. But she was quiet observant, so he wasn’t sure if she knew or not.

“Well, you can never stop loving someone.”

He chuckled. “Great.”

“Well, I will just tell you it’s similar as it was with me and Wayne. He wasn’t treating me well, but even so, I still loved him. Well, I loved the old Wayne, before he changed and I still blindly hoped, that things will get back to the way there were. I’m not saying that… I just want to say, it will stay with you,” she said and leaned next to him. He felt her shoulder brush over his. Her closeness was quite comforting.

“Then what should I do?” he asked and looked up at the clouded sky.

“Consider if it’s worth it. Every relationship will bring you problems, it’s up to you, if it’s worth it or not.”

He lowered his gaze and clenched his coffee. “This is different. He is my boss. I am his subordinate. It’s not professional.”

“Well, are your feelings professional?”

He frowned at her, confused. “What’s that supposed to mean? How can feelings be professional?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. Up till now I was only in one relationship. I just want to know how you would describe your own feelings towards him.”

“I…” he started but didn’t know how to continue. He looked back down. “I don’t know. How can you describe these kinds of feelings?”

She shrugged again. “Who knows?”

“Then why are you asking?” he narrowed his eyes.

She smiled at him. “I just want you to think about it. Let’s say it does not work out, and it might. Let’s say everyone in this hospital will be against it, and some will. Let’s say Dr. Naveen will ask you to end it, or quit your job, which he might do. Will it still be worth it?”

“I…” again, he didn’t know what to say. Would it be worth it? Well there was the possibility they won’t work out and break up in the end. There was the possibility that someone will hold it against him and Ethan. He wasn’t so sure about how Dr. Naveen would react, but that man had heart of gold and loved Ethan as his own son. So he might stand beside them.

Some things are worth the risk. He heard Ethan’s voice in his head.

He sighed. “I am not sure. How can I be sure?”

“No one is sure about anything and we still try it, right? Is it worth the try? Imagine all those what ifs don’t exist. Is it worth it, if they don’t?” she raised an eyebrow at him. “I hope I am not too confusing.”

He bit his bottom lip. “How they cannot exist?”

She bumped with her shoulder to his. “Just imagine it, Mr. Diagnostic.”

He laughed. “Well… I wold say yes. It would be worth trying. He is Ethan freaking Ramsey,” he held his hand out. “There is no one better than him.”

“Aw…” she leaned on him. “You like him.”

He glared at her. “That’s the point isn’t it?”

They both started laughing. God, how he was glad, that he had friend like Sienna.

“So, what will you do?” she asked.

He felt his shoulders lower and looked down. “It’s nice fantasy, but this is reality. These what ifs won’t disappear.”

She put hand around his shoulders. “Sebastian…”

“I was thinking,” he interrupted her. “There might be one way. What if I go away? I mean, leaving Edenbrook and- “

“Stop it, right there,” she said and forced him to turn around so he was facing her. He always thought of Sienna as one of the kindest people alive. But when she got angry, she was really scary. He felt like a first grader who is scolded by his mum after he did something bad.

“Don’t you dare even thing about it. You are not going anywhere. What wold you do without us? And we without you?” she shook him, like she wanted to get some sense into him. “You are not leaving Edenbrook. You belong here. And in that case, screw Dr. Ramsey. I like him, but I won’t exchange him for one of my best friends. And you won’t either exchange him for anything.”

He blinked at her in surprise. Yes, he thought of leaving Edenbrook, but not because it was a way to get together with Ethan, but to get away from him. Every day was harder and harder. He couldn’t imagine how he can continue this, well he could, but it was exhausting.

His phone beeped, so he took it out of his coat. “I have to go. Esme needs me.”

Sienna let go of his shoulder. He was little taller than her, so she had to stood on her toes to be on the same eye level. “It will be okay, Sebastian,” she said with reassuring smile.

He would like to believe her, but he couldn’t.

-

Few days later he woke up with a terrible headache, runny nose and cough. When he got out of his room, Sienna pushed him back to his bed. She made him some herbal tea and Jackie gave him painkillers for his headache. Elijah called to work, that Sebastian won’t be going today. He also asked for a favour if they will look after Esme and his patients. Aurora agreed that she will take care of it.

“You will be relaxing, okay? No studying, nothing. Only sleeping and binging Netflix.” Sienna told him, when they were leaving for work. “If something happens, call one of us, okay?”

“Yes,” he said and coughed. “Have a nice day,” he waved at them.

He was alone. The apartment was eerie quiet when there was no one else.

He decided to binge Netflix to kill time, but he was barely paying attention. He thought if he was ill because of the cold weather outside or because of the stress he currently went through. Keeping an eye on Esme, attending diagnostic meetings and avoiding Ethan was quiet exhausting.

The painkillers made him sleepy and he fell asleep halfway through the movie.

He was woken up by ring at the door. He hoped that whoever was behind the door will walk away, so he stayed in bed and tried to fall asleep again. He wasn’t really in the mood to talk with anyone.

The person really stopped ringing and started knocking instead.

Sebastian sat up. He was irritated and convinced to give that person peace of his mind. But his headaches stopped him from moving. He grabbed his own head and hissed in pain.

He looked at the clock. It was time to take another painkiller, so he did that.

But the person behind the door just couldn’t stop knocking and started ringing again. He groaned and got out of the warm covers. Because of that he had woken up Lexi, who was sleeping with him. He didn’t remember when the fennec fox has joined him, but it was adorable.

The knocking stopped and Sebastian was hoping that the person left.

He wanted to lie back down and get back to the land of dreams, when his phone beeped. He squinted at it and almost dropped it when he saw the text. Well, from whom the text was.

Open up, it’s me.

He got up and ignored how his head protested. He managed to get to the door without knocking anything over. But he almost tripped over Mitch who was slowly getting to the kitchen. For reassurance he put the turtle away, closer to the kitchen, so he won’t kill himself over him as he will go back to bed. He also looked for Andi. He found the chinchilla sleeping peacefully on the couch.

He opened the door and narrowed his eyes because of the sudden light from the corridor.

“Dr. Ramsey,” he said and realised how his throat is dry. “What are you doing here?”

Ethan looked, for some reason, relieved. He kept staring at him as he was some kind of ghost.

Sebastian felt blood rushing into his face. He must have looked as mess. He surely had bed hair and red nose. Couldn’t he make himself more representable? He hated how he looked when he was sick. “I’m sick, Dr. Ramsey. You shouldn’t be here. Thank you, for checking on me,” he said and wanted to close the door.

But Ethan stopped him. “I was worried,” he said in husky voice.

Sebastian blinked in surprise. “It’s just a cold….What they told you?”

“Who?” Ethan asked.

“Others. It was Sienna, wasn’t it?” he sighed. He loved that girl, but sometimes…

“No one told me anything. I came by myself.”

Sebastian blinked again and his mouth fell agape. “Why?”

“I…” he looked around. “Can I come in? It’s weird to talk like that.”

“Well,” he looked inside. The apartment was quiet mess, because no one of them had time for cleaning up. Their shifts were long and they always came back tired. They usually cleaned on their days off.

“Please,” said Ethan imploringly.

Sebastian didn’t have the strength to fight with him, so he opened the door. “Sorry or the mess,” he mumbled.

Ethan walked inside but didn’t give a second glance at the mess. He kept his gaze on Sebastian, which made him, of course, more nervous.

Sebastian felt weak so he walked towards the couch and sit there. Andi looked up at him and climbed on his thigh. He started stroking her soft fur. “So, why are you here? Sorry that I couldn’t be today on the meeting, I should have let you know,” he said and then coughed. “Sorry.”

Ethan sat next to him. His body has tensed up and Andi looked suspiciously at the man who interrupted her stroking.

“Don’t get so close to me, you will get sick,” Sebastian murmured and tried to give some space between them.

“I work in hospital, I don’t get sick,” he replied.

Sebastian laughed. “So you are one of those people. Elijah owes me ten bucks.”

“So you are just sick, nothing else?” Ethan looked at him inquisitively.

God, how he hated and loved that expression.

“Don’t worry, I am not dying, it’s just a cold. Will you tell me, why are you here?”

He saw how Ethan’s body relaxed. “I thought... I mean I heard…” he lost his voice so he coughed.

“See, you are sick,” Sebastian grinned.

Ethan glared at him. “No I am not. And that’s not what…” he sighed. “I… well…” he looked sideways.

Sebastian couldn’t believe what he saw. Ethan freaking Ramsey was embarrassed by something. He couldn’t decide if it was funny or adorable. Probably both.

“What?” he asked with an amused grin on his face.

“I overheard you conversation with Dr. Trinh few days ago.” Sebastian mouth fell agape. Agni on his thigh assumed that she won’t get any attention so she jumped down and walked towards the kitchen to get some food.

“Oh my God,” Sebastian covered his mouth. “You were eavesdropping?”

“No I-“spurted Ethan, but it was useless. He cleared his throat. “I overheard few things.” Sebastian was grinning like an idiot. He never thought that Ethan Ramsey would be eavesdropping at someone.

His grin was easily erased, when he remembered what they were talking about. “W-what did you hear?” he asked.

“Well,” Ethan looked uncomfortable. “Just that you were thinking about leaving the Edenbrook.” Now was Sebastian’s turn to feel embarrassed. Yes, he was thinking about that but he let that go after the conversation with Sienna. He couldn’t imagine himself working somewhere else than in Edenbrook. He loved that place.

“I also heard that I might be the reason.” Sebastian felt even more embarrassed. He hid his face into his hands and groaned loudly. “Sorry, it’s not like that,” he lied. He wasn’t looking at him, so lying was easy that way, especially in the case of Ethan.

“It’s not?” repeated Ethan, startled. “Then why are you avoiding me?”

“I’m not-“he spurted out and looked up. He was cut off by the expression on his face. Pain and regret. The same expression he saw during past weeks. And he was the source of that.

Sebastian bit his lower lip a lowered his gaze. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t lie to him, neither wanted to tell the truth.

“Why are you avoiding me? Have I done something wrong?” Ethan asked carefully.

Sebastian closed his eyes and sighed. There was no way out now. “I tried to be professional with you,” he said quietly and hoped that Ethan heard him, because he didn’t want to repeat that, it hurt too much. He looked down, because it was too painful to look at him.

“Professionally?” Ethan repeated dumbfoundedly. “It’s because of what I said, right?” Sebastian sighed. “Sorry, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable but… I just… I wanted it to stop.”

“Wanted?” Ethan repeated again.

“These feelings, I…” he felt tears in his eyes. Thank God he wasn’t looking at him. “I’m sorry Dr. Ramsey, you should go,” he stood up and ignored the dizziness. “I am glad, that you were worried about me, but don’t be. I am not leaving Edenbrook and I don’t want to either,” he opened the door and still refused to look at him. “Please, go now.”

He stood at the door and waited until Ethan left. He didn’t.

Sebastian brought himself to look at him. Ethan was still sitting at the couch and watched him His heart quickened his pace when their eyes met. “Please Dr. Ramsey,” he urged.

Ethan stood up. He slowly walked towards the door but didn’t left. He stood before Sebastian with expression that Sebastian knew very well. He had this same expression every time; they had to stop what was between them. Every time they had to face the world alone, leaving the other one.

“Sebastian, I…” he started.

Sebastian shook his head. It was a mistake, because the dizziness came back and he staggered. He held on the door handle not to fall down and also felt two strong hands on his waist.

He looked up and saw two blue eyes looking at him. He loved those eyes so much.

“Let me help you,” Ethan insisted.

Sebastian caught himself looking down at Ethan’s lips. All this time, four weeks and he couldn’t leave these feelings he had for this man. Sienna was right, it will never leave him. It will stay with him no matter what.

He felt tears forming in his eyes and before he could stop them, they fell down his cheeks.

Ethan’s blue eyes went wide. He opened his mouth to say something.

“Why are you so cruel,” Sebastian sobbed. He hated that he cried in front of him. That was the last thing he wanted to happen. “Why… You said there could not be anything more. And I understand that, trust me, I do. I know how dangerous it is, the risks not for us, but for the ones around us. How it can put a danger our patients and our colleagues too. How many things could go wrong. How it can destroy our lives and careers. But even though…” he gulped. “I want you. I want you so badly. I try to ignore it, I try to push it away, but it’s impossible,” he said and pushed himself away from him. But his body felt weak. He didn’t know if it was because of his cold or the emotional breakdown he was experiencing. Probably it was bit of both.

“And then you. Why did you come? If you don’t care about me, why did you come? Why are you so afraid that I might leave Edenbrook? It’s because I am such a good doctor and you don’t want the hospital to lose me? Or because you don’t want to lose me?” He felt dizzy. His head was spinning and pain was pounding in his temples. “How’d it come to this?” he sobbed.

Ethan was quiet. He was looking at him, expression full of pain. “You have to lie down. When was the last time you took your medicine?”

Sebastian bit down his lower lip. “Just go,” he said and looked sideway.

“Let me help you.” He approached him with open arms.

“Just go!” he said and pushed to his chest. The impact made him stumbled backwards. “Please, just go…” he turned around and stumbled to his bedroom. He closed the door behind him and felt that his knees gave out. He slid down to the floor while looking before him. Tears were running down his cheeks and sobs leaving his lips.

It was over. He destroyed the last bits of relationship they had between them. Probably he had to leave Edenbrook at last? His heart ached at that thought.

He heard knock at the door. “Sebastian?”

“I said go!” he screamed and his head pounded. “Please, I don’t want to be angry at you.”

It was quiet for a while. He thought that he left, as he insisted.

“I am sorry,” spoke Ethan with heavy voice. “I didn’t mean to come it to this.”

Sebastian was quiet.

“I just…” Ethan sighed. “I thought that… I don’t know what I thought. The truth is I…” Another second of quietness. “I want you too. And it gets harder every day to keep restraining myself. When you started avoiding me and whenever we met you acted so formally. I thought I have done something that has upset you. So I kept quiet, hoping that you will tell me. It was a mistake I should have asked, we should have talked.”

Sebastian was still quiet.

“I don’t want to lose you. When I heard that you want to leave Edenbrook I felt hopeless. The thought that I won’t see you anymore? It was so painful I almost lost my mind. Then every next day I waited, hoped that you will show up at work. And today you didn’t so I went here. I probably got to trouble by doing that and Naveen will talk to me, but… I think it was worth it. For a while it was, because I know now that you don’t want to leave Edenbrook.”

Sebastian wiped his face from the tears and continued to listen. His heart was pounding in his chest rapidly. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Please, say something. Even after all of this, I… I still want you. And I think you are worth the risk.”

His heart skipped a beat and then quickened its pace again. He breathed in and slowly got up to his weak legs.

“Sebastian? Please tell me you didn’t pass out.” He opened the door. “How can I tell you if I passed out, if I actually did?” he asked jokingly, but the smile form his lips faded away when he saw him. Ethan’s face was stained by tears.

“Who would ever think, that Ethan Ramsey would be behind my door like that?” he chuckled and wiped Ethan’s face.

Ethan took his hands into his and held them, like he was scared that Sebastian would walk away from him. “I’m sorry,” he said in husky voice. “I just cannot lose you. It’s too scary.”

He clenched his hands. “You won’t.”

“You cannot know that,” he replied sceptically.

“Well,” he shrugged. “At least for now. Let’s focus on the now, okay?”

Ethan nodded and leaned towards him. Their forehead touched and he felt his breath on his face.

“Even though this is lovely,” Sebastian spoke after a while. “I’m sick, so don’t get too close.” Ethan frowned. “I don’t get sick.”

“You said that, so you will,” he winked at him. “Now I will get back to bed and you should get back to work.” Ethan opened his mouth to protest.

“I will be fine. If anything happens, you will be the first to know, okay?”

Ethan nodded, but by his expression, he could say, he didn’t agree. “I will come after work, okay?”

“Okay, doctor,” he chuckled and gave him a quick kiss on his cheek.

-

After three days of sickness Sebastian came back to work. Three whole days of recovery and famous Sienna cooking. He would be actually surprised if he didn’t get better thanks to that.

These three days Ethan insisted on visiting after work, but Sebastian turned him down. It was not like he didn’t want to see him. He just wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want him to catch the cold too. Even though Ethan visited every day and the face on others faces, except Sienna’s, was priceless. Especially Elijah didn’t know how to act and almost overthrown tea into Ethan’s lap.

When Sebastian walked into the hospital, he was greeted by the nurses and Dr. Delarosa who together with Aurora looked after his patients and Esme. Dr. Mirani also greeted him with his usual attitude. “Hope, you are good, Valentine. I don’t want to deal with sick doctors and nurses.” But he knew that Zaid was happy to have him back.

When he walked into the diagnostic room Dr. Mirani, Zaid’s brother, greeted him with a hug. Dr. Hirata nodded at him a continued her work on her computer. Dr. Mirani told him that Ethan was called into Naveen’s office, so they should go over their patients without him.

Then Sebastian decided to check up on Esme. She was doing great and even asked him how he was doing. He helped her with her patients and then came back to the room of diagnostic team.

Dr. Hirata and Dr. Mirani were gone. Ethan was sitting at the table, reading something on his computer.

Sebastian slowly walked behind him and took off his glasses. Then he quickly covered his eyes and kept quiet.

Ethan’s body immediately tensed up. “Baz, we talked about this,” Ethan sighed. “This is not funny.”

“Aw, what happened? Did Naveen found out about your private coffee machine and took it away?”

Ethan tensed again and got up. Because of the height difference Sebastian had to take his hands down.

Ethan turned towards him. “I was wondering, where were you,” he said with a smile on his lips.

Sebastian shrugged. “You know. I got lost on the way of life. But I managed to find you, so I am good.”

Ethan looked around. The door to the room was made of glass, but no one was on the corridor outside. When Ethan made sure, that they are alone, he hugged him.

“Ethan Ramsey hugging me on his own?” Sebastian laughed and put his hands on his back to return the hug. “Is the world actually ending?”

“Not anymore,” Ethan replied, amused. “Want to get coffee?”

“If you are paying,” he winked at him.

Ethan rolled his eyes. “Come on, rookie.”

“Wow,” Sebastian gasped. “Didn’t hear that for long.” “Why? Don’t want to?” he raised eyebrow at him.

Sebastian shrugged. “Nah, I kinda like it and missed also missed it.”

Ethan led him to his office. On the way the met several people. Including Sienna who gave Sebastian knowing look and gave him thumbs up. He grimaced at her and she laughed in response. Her intern was looking confusingly between both of them.

“Wow, so that’s the famous coffee machine,” Sebastian said, when they entered Ethan’s office. He looked at the machine and its many functions.

Ethan closed the door. “It kept me alive for long time.”

“I got quite competition there,” Sebastian squinted at the coffee machine. “This will be hard.”

Ethan chuckled. “Don’t worry; you are on the gracious second place.”

Sebastian gasped. “Second place?” he looked annoyed at the machine. “I won’t loose.”

He felt hands slipping onto his waist and turning him around so he was facing Ethan, who was smiling at him amusingly. “I think you can get to the first place easily.”

“And how, doctor?” he tugged at his coat to get him closer.

“Guess it, rookie.” Sebastian closed the distance between them. His lips felt as every time they kissed. Soft and warm. This time it was little different because of Ethan new grown beard. Not like he was complaining, that beard had grown on him.

They departed. Both gasping for air, but not fully getting away from each other.

“So how I score now?” Sebastian asked with stupid grin on his face.

“Getting closer to the first place,” replied Ethan.

“Well, I have to try harder.” He kissed him again. This time more passionately. They stumbled and Sebastian stood backwards and leaned against the wall so they won’t fall down.

He felt like a fool that he wanted to run away from this. He was glad that in the end had surrender and even better was that Ethan did so to.

There were obstacles in their future. But together they can make it work. But for that moment, they wanted to live for now.

[lelitachay]

Frozen fanfiction: Søsken

Summary: Even though Anna loved her sister-in-law, she couldn’t help but notice there was something peculiar about Elsa. Everything starts to make sense after an accident and a forced family reunion.

Modern AU. Kristanna - Frohana - Kristoff & Elsa BrOTP.

Chapter 1 - North mountain

Chapter 2 - Aftermath

Chapter 3 - Family

Chapter 4 - Siblings

Chapter 5 - Confinement

Chapter 6 - Better days

Chapter 7 - A matter of pride

Chapter 8 - The calm

Chapter 9 - The storm

-

The truth

Anna stood in the middle of the room, waiting for her parents to say what they needed to say. The way they were behaving didn’t sit well with her, and she was dreading what was to come.

Idunn looked at her into the eye and said, “We do. We know Elsa. She...” A deep breath interrupted her. She knew talking with her daughter about the past was not going to be easy. However, she knew she couldn't beat around the bush anymore. “She's our daughter.”

Agdar flinched at Idunn’s words. He had hoped Idunn would change her mind and say something different, but he didn’t expect her to be so straightforward. Anna, on the other hand, was paralysed, she didn't know how to process what her mother had said. She tried to come up with a reasonable explanation to why her mother would say something like that. Elsa being their daughter didn’t make any sense.

After a few seconds in silence, Idunn tried to get a reaction out of Anna, “Dear? Do you understand what I mean?”

“I understand the words…” said Anna, who was still trying to comprehend how it could be possible. “I’m not sure I understand what you mean. If this is a joke, I swear I-”

“It’s not a joke, Anna,” cut in Agdar, who finally dared looking at her in the eye too. “We are sorry we kept this from you.” There was no point in denying the truth anymore.

“How is it possible? It doesn’t make sense.” Using the table to support herself as she sat on one of the chairs, Anna tried to voice her thoughts, “Elsa is… What?”

“Our daughter,” Idunn moved from her place to the chair next to Anna. She sat down and rested her hand on top of Anna's, which was still holding the table. She knew it was going to be hard for Anna to process the truth, so she gave her time. But Idunn knew she needed to explain this situation better before Anna began jumping to conclusions. The conversation was going to be a difficult one, but it was time they tried to make up for their mistakes; being honest with their younger daughter was the first step. “Your father and I had a daughter before you. Elsa. We hadn’t seen or heard about her until tonight.”

“I can’t believe this.” Anna’s mind was trying to come up with reasons that could justify why her parents hadn’t told her about this or why they had abandoned a child in the first place, but she couldn’t. Elsa, the shy girl she had met as her sister-in-law, was her sister. ‘I’m Elsa’s sister...’ thought Anna as she felt a wave of nausea at the implication that her parents were the ones who had abandoned Elsa. The ones responsible for the life the girl had had to live before the Bjorgmans. Even if she was not sure what had happened to Elsa in the past, The way Elsa behaved whenever her past was brought up give Anna the idea it had been bad. She knew Elsa’s lack of education was just the tip of the iceberg. “Are you sure this Elsa is your daughter? It could be a coincidence. The name an- and the orphanage. It’s possible-”

“When I first saw her this evening standing next to you, I felt there was something strange. She looked familiar,” interrupted Agdar. 

“Then she mentioned she was adopted… She mentioned Romsdal.” Idunn tightened her hold on her hand. “I realised at that moment. I knew it was her. All of a sudden her eyes looked at me the way they had years ago. They haven’t changed.”

“Something similar happened to me,” continued Agdar. “The orphanage she mentioned rang a bell in my head. But instead of keeping quiet like I should, I freaked out.” 

Anna noticed the shame in her father’s eyes and finally understood his outburst earlier that night. Both her parents had realised at dinner they were talking with their daughter. “That’s why you reacted the way you did…”

He didn’t raise his eyes from the floor, “she was sitting there, right in front of me, telling me her childhood had been the opposite of what I had wished for it to be. Telling me the person we had left her with was a bad man.” He built up his courage and looked at her, “I had to believe she was mistaken. I had to. I wanted to believe the girl with the sad look on her face was not Elsa, not our Elsa, but-”

“But then she lost control of her powers and we knew. There was no mistake,” said Idunn, who was trying in vain to dry the tears that had escaped.

Anna stayed silent after her parents confirmed Elsa was their daughter. What called Anna’s attention was they hadn’t been surprised about Elsa’s powers. They hadn’t been shocked at the display of ice magic like she had, they had been shocked to see it was indeed their daughter who was sitting in front of them. They had used them as a confirmation of Elsa’s identity. 

‘Could it be that they abandoned her because of her powers?’ thought Anna, who then mentally slapped herself. It was impossible. There had to be a different reason.

“Why would you abandon your own daughter? You need to explain this to me,” Anna’s vacant expression was changing. She no longer felt lost, but a feeling close to anger was taking over her body. Her parents were not only telling her they had lied her whole life, they were openly admitting they had abandoned a child in another city too.

“It’s only fair we do,” said Idunn as she began telling Anna the story of their youth. For the first time was willing to tell Anna the truth about their family and her relationship with Agdar. She planned on talking about every single thing they had hidden. Anna had always been a curious girl, she had asked questions about their youth before, how they'd met, where they’d studied and all the adventures they had had together. Every time Anna had asked one of those questions, they had answered as close to the truth as possible, but always being careful not tell her anything about Elsa. This time was different. This time she began her story telling Anna everything she needed to know, including the story of Agdar and his father. Idunn explained he had always disagreed with their relationship and he had forbidden his son to date people that didn't reach his standards for years. Idunn reflected back on that time, and everything they went through back then.

Agdar was in Romsdal’s college studying business when he met Idunn. He wanted to show his father he got what was needed to help in the family business and one day inherit his company. He often disagreed with his father's decisions but there was nothing he wanted more than to make him proud. At least that was his aim until he met Idunn, a simple girl from Romsdal who worked at the college cafeteria. Both of them fell in love faster than they had imagined and they believed they could enjoy their romance without worry. They both believed they could work out the details of their relationship in the future, after Agdar could prove his father he was an important part of the family business. 

However, life had other plans for them at the time. Only a year into their relationship, Idunn got pregnant. Young, inexperienced and with Agdar's father against their relationship, things became hard for the young couple. They talked about their options in regards the pregnancy, and they agreed to keep the baby. After all, their main problem was not the pregnancy itself, it was money.

Agdar's family had enough money to help them out, but it was impossible for the young man to ask for money without giving his father a reasonable explanation. And telling him the truth was off the table. If he had come to his father's office claiming he was going to be a father out of wed - with a common girl from another town - his father would have made him choose between the Arendelle family or his bastard child. Agdar believed it was best to let his family know once the baby was born, after he had finished studying and he had a stable job to support the baby. 

Idunn believed it was best to come clean and accept whatever his father said. But at the same time, she didn't have a plan if Agdar left her. She didn't have a family who could help her, and working was going to be impossible with a newborn baby. That’s why Idunn chose to trust Agdar and follow his plan. She continued working and Agdar studying. Both of them cut expenses as much as possible and saved money for when the baby arrived. 

The first months were uneventful, giving the couple the impression they were going to be able to do everything on their own; but that ilusion didn’t last long. Idunn got sick on the fifth month, and even though the illness was nothing to worry about, it forced her to stop working and to find a doctor for regular check ups. The doctor’s appointments cost more than they were able to afford. Even with Agdar finding a part-time job, money didn’t seem to be enough to pay for Idunn’s medical care. 

When thing got out of their hands, and Agdar was about to call home and explain what was going with his life, a co-worker mentioned something about a doctor willing to provide free health care to women who accepted to be studied during their pregnancy. The doctor, Mr. Weselton, was carrying out an investigation on pregnancy and its stages, and he needed a mother and baby to follow and test during the pregnancy. 

Out of money and ideas, the couple agreed they could give Dr. Weselton a chance. The tests sounded weird to Idunn, but they thought that being under constant care of a doctor was going to be better than anything at all. And they had to be thankful the man was willing to pay for everything, even Idunn's hospitalization when the baby arrived. After an interview with the man and a brief explanation of his procedures, they agreed to participate in the investigation. Weselton was a really dedicated doctor who kept a close eye to Idunn’ and the baby’s health. Agdar had to admit he was a little eccentric at times, but he had been the only one lending them an understanding ear. He not only helped the young couple with useful advice about babies; he had even allowed Idunn to stay in a room in his clinic a few days before the delivery, to make sure she and the baby were okay.

After some very stressful nine months, a white-blonde haired girl was born. Elsa. In Idunn’s opinion, Elsa looked too small and fragile she was afraid something was wrong with her. But Weselton assured them everything was okay. They stayed in the clinic for two more days after Elsa’s birth where Weselton did a few last check-ups, and then the couple was allowed to go back to their apartment. 

At the beginning, everything seemed perfect. Elsa was quiet and peaceful, even more than they had imagined a newborn could be. But after the first month, they began noticing Elsa was not like other babies. For starters, she was constantly cold. It didn’t matter what Idunn used to wrap her with, Elsa’s body was all the time cold. In general, she was a quiet baby, but whenever she began crying, the temperature around her dropped. The couple wanted to believe they were crazy - that it was impossible for a baby to make a room colder -. But by the second month, little Elsa began creating ice and snow around her. She began freezing her crib and Idunn was forced to stop breastfeeding her due to the cold temperature. 

Afraid of the worst, they took Elsa to Weselton. They believed the good doctor was going to be able to give them some answers about Elsa's strange condition but, to their dismay, he couldn't really explain why Elsa was born the way she was. He did explain about children who were born with strange abilities. He told them about the academic articles he had read in the matter. He confessed though; he had never heard about a baby creating ice at will. He suggested running some tests on Elsa, to which the couple agreed. 

The tests resulted inconclusive, making Elsa’s condition a mystery. Seeing the couple’s worry, Weselton suggested they left Elsa under his and his clinic care permanently. He had the resources to give the child a good healthy lifestyle, and make sure she had everything she needed in case her abilities grew. He insisted it was best if the baby stayed in the clinic 24-7 taking into account the risks of raising a child with an ability as strange as Elsa’s. All the time the doctor focused his suggestions on the baby's best interests and tried his best to convince the couple.

Agdar and Idunn understood his concerns and they knew the risks of raising Elsa on their own but they didn’t agree with his suggestions. Elsa was barely two months old and they didn’t know if her condition was permanent. They thanked Weselton for his care and support during the pregnancy and explained they were not willing to give their baby up just like that. Idunn was convinced they were going to be able to raise Elsa perfectly fine on their own, even if her “powers” as they called them proved to be a challenge. 

Elsa’s powers became a challenge faster than they imagined, though. After the sixth month, things became more and more difficult. Elsa began freezing their room and making snow inside their small apartment resulting in severe health problems for Idunn and Agdar. The money was becoming an ever present problem in their life, and they soon realised they were not going to be able to give Elsa the care she needed in that situation.

As a last resource, Agdar travelled to Trollheim and told his father the truth. He confessed he had been in a relationship with Idunn for over two years and he came clean about Elsa. Before he was able to tell him about his baby’s condition, his father lost his patience. He condemned Agdar for his actions and gave him an ultimatum. Agdar had to forget about Idunn and the baby, and he had to return to Trollheim, to finish his studies there under his careful watch. Or he could forget about the Arendelle family and their help. He was going to be on his own from then on. 

Not knowing what to say or do, Adgar promised his father an answer for the end of the week and returned to Romsdal. He had just a couple of days to decide but he needed Idunn’s opinion on the matter - of course he didn’t let his father know that asking Idunn was his intention -. With a broken heart and more problems than expected, he travelled back home to talk with Idunn about their options.

They tried to come up with a solution to their imminent problem once Agdar returned. They talked about their options and tried to come up with the best scenarios where they could stay together, keep Elsa and find a solutions to their economic problems. But their future seemed bleak. Every option forced them to leave something behind. After discussing for almost two days, they agreed they were not willing to break apart. They were going to find a way to make enough money to support their dysfunctional family along the way.

Agdar was ready to call his father and give him his answer, when Elsa froze Idunn's arm. Idunn cried in pain and, out of instinct, let go of the cause of the pain. Making Elsa fall to the ground. Agdar jumped from his chair to check on his daughter who, luckily, had created a pillow of snow. The fall hadn’t hurt Elsa like they feared, but they realised at that moment that Elsa’s powers could be dangerous. Not only for themselves, but for Elsa too. They realised that without proper care, anything could happen to them or Elsa. Elsa’s accident forced them to see they were truly out of ideas, and her powers only continued to grow stronger, becoming more and more dangerous in the process.

At that moment, out of fear and lack of options, they changed their original plan. Even if it caused them great pain, they chose to leave Elsa in the hands of Weselton. The doctor had promised to take care of her, which was exactly what they couldn't do anymore. From their experience with the man, they knew he was going to have the baby’s best interests in mind. After all, he had kept track of Elsa’s development from the beginning. Their only problem was they had cut contact with Weselton after their last meeting. They had left his clinic claiming to take care of Elsa without his help; not calling the man ever again. They couldn’t show up asking - begging - for help after that. Besides, they were not sure if a man as decent as Weselton was going to be okay with their idea of leaving Elsa under his care for a couple of years and then return for her, when their situation improved. Agdar and Idunn had agreed to keep fighting for a better future together, even if Agdar had to return home and they had to leave Elsa behind. The plan was for Agdar to return home and for Idunn to move to Trollheim. Idunn was going to find a job and save as much money as possible while Agdar finished his studies and found a good job, in his father’s company or any other company.

To make sure Weselton took Elsa in, and to avoid any problems; they waited till the last day they were staying in city before taking Elsa to Weselton’s healthcare centre, they knew the facility worked as an small orphanage for kids too; so they knew there was going to be someone at all times to pick Elsa once they left her. They thought the best option was to leave her in the doorstep, with a simple note and her name. They didn’t want to face Weselton, sign any papers nor give Elsa’s documents to him. They were not sure, but they believed they had better chance to claim Elsa back if they kept her papers with them. After all, their plan was to get back on their feet and return for the girl once they could take care of her the way she deserved.

With pain in their hearts and a silent promise, they left Elsa in a small bassinet in the orphanage’s door and went to Trollheim, hoping to change their luck and return as soon as possible for their daughter. 

It was the middle of the night when Idunn finished her story. She had had trouble explaining their decisions to Anna, but she had made sure she told her the truth. Agdar had helped her in some parts of the story and had given his own justification for his decisions and his actions at the time. He hadn’t felt sure about letting Anna know their story at the beginning, but once Idunn started, he understood his wife’s motivation and joined in. Talking had proven to be cathartic for both of them and they felt the need to continue until everything was out; until Anna knew everything they had kept to themselves for over twenty years. 

“Elsa was ever present in our mind, but we needed to wait till the right time to get her back at the time,” finished Idunn. She knew there were many things to explain yet, but at least she had answered her daughter’s question. They had explained their reasons for leaving Elsa behind.

Anna kept quiet for a minute, processing everything her parents had told her. She had always imagined they had had a simple, uneventful life; however, they were there telling her everything they had gone through. What she had believed to be a terrible joke at the beginning was now a truth she couldn’t avoid. She had an older sister. She had an older sister who her parents had abandoned.

“How old was she?” asked Anna when she found her voice. The question had come out harsher than she intended, but she guessed it suited the way she was feeling.

The tone Anna used caught Idunn and Agdar by surprise. They had been waiting for Anna to say something - anything - but they hadn’t expected her to sound angry and disappointed. They couldn’t expect Anna to be okay with their actions, but to hear her talk to them like that hurt more than they imagined.

Angered by they silence, Anna repeated the question, “How old was she?”

“Ten…” murmured Idunn. Not knowing what else to say.

“Ten?”

“Ten months old,” clarified Agdar.

“Are you really trying to justify the fact that you left a ten-month-old baby in a doorstep in the middle of the night?”

“I know it sounds bad-” 

“It doesn’t sound bad. It is bad! It is awful!” interrupted Anna with disgust.

“You have to understand. We didn’t have an option,” counter-backed Agdar, feeling helpless.

Anna tried her best to calm down. Breathing a few times, she chose to give her parents the chance of the doubt, “can you look me in the eye swear you didn’t have another option?”

Both looked anywhere but her eyes. They wanted to say they didn’t, but the doubt had always remained in their minds.

“Oh, my God!” 

“Anna, please,” begged Idunn. “We are not proud of what we did, but at the time it was the best for Elsa.”

“How can you say that?” Anna said with frustration. “She was just a baby! She needed her family! I don- Why do you think it was the best for her?”

“Because we were young, inexperienced and we-”

“You were young and inexperienced when I was born, why was Elsa any different?” she knew she was being a little too harsh with her parents, but the thought of a baby Elsa all alone in a doorstep make her heart sink.

“Anna, did you see what she just did?” said Agdar exasperated. He needed Anna to understand. He needed his daughter’s forgiveness. He had lost a child for his own stupidity, he didn’t want to lose another.

“I can’t believe this!” That was it, her father had said what she was afraid to hear.

“Anna…”

“You abandoned her because she was different?!” ‘Different…’ the word echoed in her mind as she remembered the conversation she had had with Elsa just a week before, ‘Gerda helped me see I was not a nuisance just because I was different.’ Realising what Elsa had truly meant that day broke Anna’s heart now that she knew Elsa’s fears were true.

“No! That was not it!” exclaimed Idunn. Tears streamed down her face. “We… we tried, Anna. We really tried but we were young, we didn’t have enough money and… Elsa…” she paused to breathe. “She needed someone who could take care of her. We were not prepared.”

Anna was torn. She wanted to believe her parents and to think they had done the best thing. But having heard about Elsa’s miserable childhood made it hard for her to accept it. Not to mention she could have had a sister if they had tried a little bit harder. “I don’t know what to think.”

“I’m not saying what we did was right,” tried to reason her mother. “But, please, try to think we did it with the best intention.”

The three of them kept quiet. Each lost in their own thoughts. The true was out and it was tearing their family apart.

Anna was the first to break the silence after a few minutes, “you need to apologise. You need to make things right.” She was not sure if it was or not for the best. But in her opinion, Elsa needed the truth.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Anna,” said Agdar. “How do you expect us to just walk into her life and-”

“You need to fix this shit,” anger clouded her judgement once again. She was tired of her parents trying to run from the truth. “She was all alone for thirteen years until Gerda and Kai took her in. The least she deserves is an apology.”

“Anna, some things are better-”

“You have to apologise and make things right. I can’t keep this secret from Kristoff, you know that, right?” After saying it out loud Anna remembered her boyfriend and the impact this was going to have in his life, too. ‘Oh, God, Kristoff. He was so scared for Elsa and for what we were going to think… How will he take this?’

“Can you forgive us?” asked Idunn one last time, hoping to hear a positive answer.

“I- I don’t know. It’s- This so messed up. I still can’t believe what Elsa did tonight was real… And now you guys… This is a lot to take in.” Anna put her head in her hands hoping for all of it to be a dream. “I need to lay down,” she said, suddenly standing up and leaving her parents alone in the dining room for the night.

-

Kristoff woke up early the following day. He hadn’t been able to sleep for more than a couple of hours. He had laid down in his bed the whole night, but what had happened at Anna’s replayed in his head over and over again. The more he thought about it, the more he knew he could have helped his sister before she lost control. He could have avoided the situation they were living, but he had messed up.

He also knew that running after Elsa in the middle of a snowstorm and forcing her to calm down hadn’t been the worst of it all. He still needed to explain what had happened to his girlfriend and his in-laws; and he was not sure how Elsa was going to react once she woke up. Waking up after being drugged was always difficult for Elsa. Her mind always tricked her to think she was in some place different than she actually was; and this time, he knew it was going to be even harder for her. Because this time, instead of relaxing after knowing she was in a safe environment, she was going to remember the incident. She was going to realise she had failed at keeping her powers secret. Something she had been trying her best to do for ten years. 

He looked at the time again, and seeing it was a few minutes past seven, he got up. He knew there was no reason in trying to fall asleep. He knew Elsa was going to wake up soon. He wanted to be up when that happened. 

He wasn’t surprised to find his mother sitting in the living room, which was just a few meters from Elsa’s room. He was sure she hadn’t been able to sleep either. She knew how important it was to be near Elsa when she woke up confused, and knowing his mother’s love for Elsa, she surely had stayed alert to be with her in an instant.

When Gerda noticed his presence, she waved at him and patted the cushion next to her, inviting him to sit with her for a while and talk. They hadn’t been able to talk much the night before. Kristoff had just showed up in his parents’ house late at night with an unconscious Elsa in his arms. He had explained - frantic with worry - that Elsa had lost control; but he hadn’t had the chance to explain why it had happened. Kristoff sat down beside her and, before she could ask, he began talking and explaining. He told Gerda about Elsa’s insistence in not attending dinner, the dinner itself and the moment everything went downhill. He told her about the argument between Agdar and Elsa; and he told her about his stupid mistake of forcing Elsa to stay in the table, even when he knew she wasn’t feeling okay. He explained the accident and everything after until he reached their home. Kristoff was ashamed of the decisions he had made the night before, but he needed his mother to know.

“kristoff…” said Gerda trying to come up with the right words to help her son feel better. She noticed the guilt he was feeling and his worry. “I don't know what to say,” she confessed after a few seconds.

Kristoff looked at her with sadness. “What's there to say? I fucked up.” He took a deep breath and continued, “I didn't help Elsa get out of there and now we are in this mess. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't forgive me.”

Gerda had expected Kristoff to be worried for many things at the moment, but he being worried about sister’s forgiveness hadn’t crossed her mind. She gave him a tender smile and hold his hand. “Don't be ridiculous, Kristoff. Elsa would never blame you for any of this.”

“You mean she will blame herself?” asked Kristoff. “That’s even worse.” 

Gerda desperately wanted to tell him it was not true, but she was going to be lying if she said Elsa wouldn’t blame herself. She knew her daughter was going to have a hard time accepting what she had done. She could only hope Anna’s family would be understanding.

Kristoff interrupted her train of thought when he continued, “I’ve never seen Elsa so scared before. I didn't know what to say to help her calm down… I wish I hadn’t need to drug her like this.”

“You did the right thing given the situation, sweetheart.” She squeezed his hand reassuringly.

“I drugged her against her will in the middle of the street… Right in front of Anna.” He could hear Elsa’s begging in his head. “The more I think about it, the worse I feel.”

“We've talked about this, Kristoff. It's for the best sometimes. Even if we don't like doing it.”

He raised his head ready to contradict her, but they had argued about it many times before. And sadly, he knew it was true. “I just wish… I- Damn it.” 

She noticed a tear roll down his cheek as he slumped back. Gerda understood his frustration and his fears. She knew he didn’t like sedating Elsa, but he was not crumbling in front of her for that reason only. Kristoff was fearing for his sister’s well being now that someone outside their family knew. What it meant for Elsa. What it meant for his relationship with Anna. A conversation had spiraled into a bigger problem in the lapse of minutes the night before, and what was going to happen was still uncertain. “C’mere,” said Gerda, hugging him tight and letting him rest his head in her shoulder. “I know things look bad right now. But everything will be okay. Don’t you worry about your sister. She is safe with us. And don’t be too hard on yourself. You did what you thought was right.”

“Thank you for always being there for us.” Kristoff hugged his mother tighter. Trying to show how much he needed her comfort right at that moment. “I know we are broken and we only cause problems but-”

Gerda detached herself and forced him to look at her in the eyes. “You are not broken. Don't ever say that again. Not you nor Elsa. You are the best thing that could have happened to Kai and me. And we'll always be here for you.”

Kristoff could only smile at the affection and sincerity in Gerda’s eyes. He hugged her once again but their embrace was interrupted by Kai, who had stepped in the room just a moment before.

“Gerda?” he said, calling their attention. “I think Elsa is waking up. It’d be better for you to stay with her now.”

“I'll check,” said the old woman standing up. “Would you mind preparing breakfast for us in the meanwhile?” 

“Not at all,” answered Kai, as he watched her disappear into Elsa’s room, closing the door behind her. He then turned to Kristoff. He had heard part of their conversation but there was something he didn’t understand.“Kristoff?” he called his attention.

Raising his head, Kristoff noticed his father was still standing there, and not in the kitchen like he had imagined, “yeah?”

“Why did you force Elsa to stay last night? You know her better than anyone on that matter.”

Kristoff knew his father’s question was well-intentioned, but he couldn’t help but hear some disappointment in his voice. “Because I’m an idiot. She excused herself - like I suggested her doing hours earlier - but I panicked and stopped her.” 

“You panicked?”

Kristoff didn’t want to admit to his father he had always tried to impress his father-in-law. He had a lot of respect and admiration for the man, and he wanted to prove he was good enough for Anna. Kristoff knew he behaved differently in Agdar's presence - even Elsa had noticed - but he didn't feel comfortable admitting it. Kai and Gerda had worked hard to make him and Elsa understand their past didn't rule their future. And he didn't want to disappoint his father. However, seeing there was no logical explanation for his actions the night before, he confessed, "I didn't want Anna’s parents to think any less of Elsa or me. I know it’s stupid, but I was afraid Agdar was going to lose respect for us.”

"Kristoff, we've talked about this… if Agdar thought any less of you after an argument he started, then that's his problem. Not yours. And especially not Elsa's."

"I know. I- I just wanted the argument to stop and for them to apologise." Kristoff knew Kai was right, but he had noticed how much Elsa enjoyed Anna’s company, and he wanted them to be good friends. He wanted his in-laws to like and accept Elsa just as much as they accepted him.

Kai extended his hand to help him stand up, as he said, "I understand. Just remember you and Elsa are as good as anyone else. Next time, let Elsa set her own boundaries, okay?"

Kristoff nodded and accepted his hand, standing up. The two of them walked into the kitchen to prepare breakfast and keep their mind occupied. 

-

Elsa woke up and recognised the drowsiness she felt and the pounding in her head. She knew she had been drugged, but she couldn't remember much about the day before. Her heart rate accelerated as she tried to figure out where she was, but to her relief she was able to recognise the shelf opposite to the bed when she opened her eyes. The stuffed animals Gerda had gifted her when she’d moved in with the Bjorgmans were looking at her; letting her know she was in her old bedroom. She groaned as she felt a too familiar sickness take over her body. She knew the dose of Benzodiazepine had probably been too strong this time, and her body was feeling the effect. She tried to sit, but a warm hand stopped her, caressing her hair. The gentle touch belonged to Gerda, she knew - so, she closed her eyes once again and let her body relax. She was not sure what had happened, but if her mother was there, she could rest assured she was safe.

"Elsa?" asked Gerda after watching her daughter close her eyes again. "How are you feeling?" 

Elsa opened one eye to look at the old woman sitting by her side and muttered a simple ‘hi’. She knew something had happened the day before, it was the only explanation for her to be waking up there, and for Gerda to be looking after her. But for some reason, she let herself enjoy the feeling of being oblivious, at least for one more minute.

“Are you okay?” It was not normal for Elsa to be so at ease after an anxiety attack, and her attitude worried Gerda. She just hoped Kristoff hadn’t used more drug than necessary.

“I feel a little sick,” answered the girl as she sat on the bed. With a crestfallen expression she asked, “What did I do?”

The tiredness in the girl’s voice gave her the idea Elsa had given up. As if she knew that whatever had happened to her had been her fault, and she was merely waiting for the answer. It broke Gerda’s heart to think that she couldn’t give her daughter another answer. She couldn’t tell her she hadn’t done anything this time. But there was no point in lying or delaying the inevitable. She sighed and held Elsa’s hand in hers before telling her what Kristoff had told her minutes earlier.

-

Kristoff and Kai could hear Gerda talking in Elsa’s room, and they could feel the temperature in the house dropping. They knew Elsa was reliving what had happened the night before. Years of living with Elsa had got them used to the idea of the temperature changing inside the house at any time, however, it didn't mean it was any easier for them. Especially now that they knew the reason behind it. Both men knew it was best to let Gerda calm Elsa down before going into the room.

An hour later, Gerda entered the kitchen with a sad look. It was all Kristoff needed to know Elsa was not taking it good.

“She wants to talk to you,” said Gerda, looking at Kristoff.

Not saying a word, he stood up and walked towards his sister’s room. When he entered, he saw Elsa lost in thought looking at her hands. Even with her head down, he could notice her red puffy eyes. Kristoff cleared his throat and muttered her name.

Elsa looked at him and her face contorted with pain. Fresh tears rolled down her face, “Kristoff... I'm so sorry, I-”  a sob interrupting her apology.

Kristoff rushed to her side, putting his arm around her. He knew Elsa was crying her frustration and he wanted her to know he was there for her. Since Elsa had joined the family, her life had revolved around keeping her powers under control. Working hard to live a normal life without them getting in the way. For years, she hadn’t been able to leave their parents’ house out of fear of hurting others; little by little she had found the courage to insert into society and doing things around other people. Moving to the mountain, where the contact with people was more controlled, had given her the chance to find a good balance between being part of society and being on her own. And after six years without an accident, she had believed she had finally found the strength she needed to control her powers. The accident in Anna’s house was a slap in the face for the girl. Serving as a reminder that she was not ready. That she still couldn’t be trusted around normal people, and it hurt more than Elsa had imagined.

Elsa hugged her brother tight as she cried. There were so many things she needed to say. She wanted to apologise, to beg for Kristoff’s forgiveness. After all, she had probably ruined his relationship with Anna’s family by almost strucking Idunn. She had probably lost Anna’s trust too. There was no way the girl was going to accept her after what she had done. She had managed in a simple dinner to lose the only friend - beside her brother - she had, and probably ruined Kristoff’s life in the process. The more she thought about it, the more she cried, not being able to talk and apologise like she wanted.

“Don't apologise, Elsa” he begged. “It’s not your fault. Please calm down.” He knew his words were not going to have an effect on her in that state, but he needed to try. He needed Elsa to see he didn’t blame her. He had no idea what the future hold, but there was something he knew for sure, whatever happened was not his sister’s fault.

After a minute, she calmed herself down enough to say, “I ruined everything.”

“You didn't ruin anything.” The incredulous look on her face force him to elaborate, “I left the house with you yesterday, so I haven’t talked to them yet. So, let’s not jump to conclusions. I'll explain what happened. They'll understand. You'll see. I know we can trust them.” Kristoff didn’t know if he was saying it to reassure Elsa or himself. He didn’t know for certain how Anna’s parents were going to react, but he desperately needed to believe his words.

Elsa detached from him and dried her eyes. She had finally calmed enough to discuss their situation, “they won't be okay with someone like me being around their only daughter, Kristoff.” Looking at her hands with disdain, she muttered, “I hope they don't hold a grudge against you for this…”

“If they do, then maybe they are not the right family for me.” 

Alarmed by his brother’s words Elsa turned to look at him, “don't say that! You love Anna. I know it would crush you if you were forced to stop seeing her because of me.”

“That’s true,” admitted Kristoff. “But I know Anna, and she would never let this fall apart because of an accident. That’s why I know they will listen and try to understand.”

Looking at her hands again, Elsa thought of how close she had been from striking Idunn. “It's hard to ignore fear, Kristoff. If her parents or Anna don't feel comfortable around a freak like me, there's nothing I can do but accept it.”

“They shouldn’t fear you. You are not dangerous,” he couldn’t stand Elsa talking about herself like that.

Elsa didn't dare say anything. She couldn’t find in herself the strength to believe she wasn’t dangerous.

“Do you hear me?” he forced her to look at him. “You are not.” 

Kristoff’s certainty gave her the strength she needed to reckon she was not. “What would I do without you?” It was not the first time she’d wondered about it.

Seeing the perfect opportunity to lift her spirits, he answered, “you would eat a lot of pickled herring. There wouldn't be anyone telling Gerda how awful it tastes.”

Elsa laughed wholeheartedly knowing it was true. And Kristoff joined her. There were still things he wanted to talk with her. He still needed to apologise to her, but what was the point of doing it right at that moment. They still had a lot of time.

-

I apologise for the long wait. I hope you enjoyed the chapter.  

Tagging:  @melody-fox, @snowycrocus, @kristoffxannafanatic, @kristannafictionals, @neptrabbit, @skneez, @ellacarter13, @wondering-in-life, @who-i-am-8, @fanfictionrecommendations-com, @wandering-bard-from-the-id, @815-allisnotlost, @khartx, @joannevixxon, @betweenthedreams, @lilrann, @burbobah, @rileysfs, @zutonium, @earlvessalius, @blood-jewel, @aries1708, @disneydreamer8901, @the-sky-is-awake, @disneyfan103, @the-magic-one-is-you, @anamaria8garcia, @welovefrozenfanfiction, @bigfrozenfan-archive, @bigfrozenfan Let me know those who want to be tagged in the future. Or no longer be tagged. Please leave a comment saying what you think. Your reviews help me improve.

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

Broken Like Me: Dean’s Bad Night Timestamp

Summary (request): Dean has a bad night...

Broken Like Me Masterlist

Pairing: Model!Dean x reader

Word Count: 4,000ish

Warnings: language, angst

A/N: Written in Dean’s POV of Part 8 of Broken Like Me...

“Dean,” I heard mom say as I tried to slip back into my boots. “Dean, sweetie-”

“I have to go,” I said, too harsh but I could already hear him walking down the hall. “Thanks for lunch.”

“You’re 30, Dean. Why won’t you grow up and get a real job?” said dad. I didn’t say a word, finishing tieing up one boot by the time he was standing right in front of me. “Look at me.”

“I have to go,” I repeated, working on the other shoe, standing upright when I finished, dad just looking at me with that same face he always did. Disappointment. Failure. Worthless. Weak. Not a man, just a child. Selfish. Stupid.

I grabbed my jacket and held onto the anger. Anger would stop any emotion from coming out. Oh, I forgot how pathetic he surely felt I was because I went to a therapist.

“If you’re going to be staying in Lawrence, get a real job, Dean,” he said.

“Or what? You’ll disown me again?” I snapped. He scoffed and shook his head, going out to the garage, slamming the door.

“Dean, you know he loves you-”

“Does he? I know he loves Sammy. He doesn’t look at Sammy like he’s ashamed of his existence,” I said. Her face dropped, mouth open but I knew she wouldn’t know what to say. She’d been stuck in the middle of this for years. “I got to go. I’m not going to do anything stupid because I know that’s what you’re thinking, mom.”

I pulled on my jacket and left before she got in another word.

Work. I could dive headfirst into work and that would take the edge off. It’s what had been working whenever things got tense for the past few weeks. Granted it hadn’t been as bad as today but work would be good for this.

A few emails in and there was a text from Carla that popped up.

*What is going on with you and Michael Reyburn? He’s all over your instagram*

I quickly went to my page, a text popping up again.

*Don’t look at the comments. Dean, honey. Please don’t.*

Too late for that.

I met Michael at the audition day for the Calvin Klein contract. There were about five or so guys they asked to come in and do some test shoots. Michael thought he had it in the bag, openly making comments about the rest of us. I knew I was the least fit out of the five of us. Three were absolutely shredded, one guy looked a bit in between and then there was me, healthy and everything but there wasn’t definition, not really.

I also didn’t want to spend all of my free time in a gym and could string a sentence together like an adult so there was that.

Oh and the even better part had been the fact that we were stuck in skin tight boxer briefs, mine a size too small, all of ours were, showing off every single thing. There was no shame in that department and there was no reason to be but that just was another thing the guy had decided to rip on the rest of us over.

Apparently he’d been their new pick after I lost the contract and he was bragging about it on every single post I’d ever made.

Fat. Idiot. Biggest stomach he’d ever seen. Junk looked like he’d been fixed like a dog. Fatass. Loser. Paid his way into getting the contract. Was a little bottom bitch boy. Probably never been laid in his life. Paid his ex girlfriends to go out with him. Friendless. Fat, again. Fucked up freak.

New girl was going to dump his ass the second she realized the money stopped coming, saw what was under my shirt, under my pants. Point and laugh she would. I should break things off and save her the time. But I was too fucking stupid to even hold a conversation so that would be too difficult for me.

Oh and I was wannabe little virgin slut that his daddy didn’t love enough.

Well, Michael had gotten one part right at least.

*Dean, respond to me. NOW.*

*I’m fine Carla. I’m busy with emails and I got a date with Y/N later. Relax.*

*I know you saw and none of what he said is true, Dean.*

*I’m fine.*

She texted a few more times but I stopped responding. Yeah, logically, none of it was true. Except for dad. No, he loved me. But did he? I knew it wasn’t the same as Sammy. It’d never been the same. I was different. He loved me but it was less than Sammy. I knew that, I’d known for a long time. Yeah, that wasn’t new, nothing to get worked up over.

But it was true. And I wasn’t fit like the other guys. I had a tummy. That was okay though. That wasn’t news either. I wasn’t good enough for a lot of stuff but still, that was alright.

“Stop it,” I mumbled to myself, tossing my phone onto my bed, climbing on top of it, tucking my knees up to my chest. “Don’t let this shit...you have dealt with way fucking worse, Winchester. You’ve been called worse than that.”

Maybe it only bothers me so much because it’s true…

“Stop it,” I said again, squeezing my eyes shut. Count. Dr. Bram says got to count when it gets like this. I took a deep breath, trying to count them. I wonder if Y/N got like this...no, no. She was normal. She wasn’t fucked up. She was amazing and maybe she went to Dr. Bram too but so had Sam and those two were both normal people. I was the one that was pathetic and crying on his bed in his brother’s house.

She was going to realize she made a mistake, wasn’t she? Maybe that’s what she was going to do on our date. Break things off. She had enough problems to deal with besides having a worthless boyfriend on top of it. She needed to focus on herself, not me. She was too nice though, wanted to probably have it happen after a nice meal. A clean break for herself. Get rid of the pain in the ass she’d been unfortunate enough to wind up with.

But she was my girl. I...she was so easy to talk to...she didn’t look at me like other people did…

She was going to be gone like that and soon too.

“Dean?” said Sam, knocking on my door, pushing it open. I glanced up at him, not realizing it’d gotten so late. He sighed, my gaze going straight down. “De, what happened?”

“I wish I wasn’t so fucked up, Sammy,” I said. He was quiet as he sat down on the bed. He put a hand on my shoulder but the second I flinched, he pulled it back. Oh god. It was a miracle he hadn’t tossed me out yet.

“Dean. What happened?” he asked quietly.

“Nothing. Some model dick online talking trash about getting the contract, just general crap. You know, regular fucked up, Dean,” I said.

“You aren’t fucked up,” he said.

“Funny. I never came home and found you curled up on bed like this,” I said.

“De, stop it. You look bad...like after the fight with dad in the spring. You scared me so much those few days,” he said.

“Should have stopped caring Sammy. Everybody else has,” I said, turning my head away. “Can you call Dr. Bram? See if I can talk to him?”

“Of course, De,” said Sam. He pulled out his phone, didn’t bother to leave the room as he called. He talked quickly, Sam nodding to himself before he hung up. “Do you want me to go over with you? Dr. Bram said he’ll meet you there.”

“No, Sammy,” I said, standing up, grabbing my phone and keys. “I just...I gotta go.”

It was nearly seven when I got to Dr. Bram’s. He was waiting right inside, giving me a smile when I shut the door behind me.

I felt like I was going to throw up.

“Dean, you’re shaking,” he said, quickly walking over and grabbing my arm.

“Scared,” I blurted out, knowing I was looking at him like a terrified child.

“This is a safe place, Dean,” he said. “Can we go sit in my office?”

I nodded, walking with him back there, taking a seat in my normal spot, Dr. Bram leaving the office and doing something in the kitchen. He returned after a moment with a few bottles of cold water, a cup of tea and a large blanket.

“Please,” he said, handing it to me. I didn’t quite understand what he wanted but he held it out to me. I swallowed and took it, Dr. Bram staring at me until I unfolded it and pulled it over my lap. It was heavy, Dr. Bram unscrewing one of the bottles and placing it on the end table next to me.

He moved to the other side of the room and to his desk, grabbing his notebook. He set that down on the coffee table and grabbed his chair, pulling it over to the couch, taking a seat.

“Emergency sessions are a little different than what you’re used to, Dean, so I’ll go over a few things before we get started. Some of these are serious questions but I need you to be truthful with me, alright?” he asked. I nodded, Dr. Bram giving me a smile. “Have you hurt yourself or do you want to?”

“No. I wouldn’t,” I said.

“It’s okay, Dean. I have to ask. Have you taken anything?” he asked. I shook my head. “Okay. The hard questions are over.”

“Those were the easy ones,” I mumbled.

“You’re okay here, Dean. Now, I knew when you walked in what the answers were and I know you but I had to know. Now this is still an emergency session and we got different rules like I said. There is no time limit. We stay as long as we need to. Don’t look at the clock. I can’t force you to stay but I don’t want you to go until I feel you’ll be alright. Okay?”

I nodded, running my hands over the blanket.

“That’s a weighted blanket. It helps some people calm down. Some people just like having a blanket for nights like this. If you end up liking it, I can order you one,” he said.

“Y/N has one like this,” I said, glancing at him.

“She recommended it to me actually after she researched them. I have some other patients that now use them,” he said.

“Isn’t it expensive?” I asked.

“Like I said, emergency sessions are different, Dean. You can use my private bathroom off to the side and if you want something to eat, just let me know and we’ll order it,” said Dr. Bram.

“Okay,” I said quietly, grabbing the blanket, pulling it up a little.

“Want to tell me why you’re so scared, Dean?” he asked softly. I closed my eyes, rubbing my hands against my thighs. “Why are you afraid of me, Dean?”

“Because you’ve never seen me like this,” I breathed out. “I barely pulled myself together so I could drive over here and I know it’s going to break really soon.”

“Have I ever judged you?” he asked.

“I know you say you don’t but you must,” I said dryly. “I’m your longest patient. I’m such a fuck up. I’m a grown man that still needs to come here. How do you not judge me? Of course you do. Even if you don’t think I’m pathetic, you either pity me or feel sorry for me.”

“I went to therapy as a child, Dean,” he said with a smile. I blinked at him, Dr. Bram smiling still. “I know how scary it is to sit on that side of the room. I do not judge you, Dean. I judge none of my patients. You all have different problems, different experiences, different lives. But none of you are judged. But some of you, my long term patients...you especially, Dean, I root for you. I hope that someday these burdens and demons you carry in you can get quiet. You are not weak or pathetic. You are my longest patient I’ve ever had, yes. Watching you grow has made me very proud, Dean. Sam informed me after you left that you made the decision yourself to come here tonight, no prompting from him. That’s an incredibly brave thing to do, Dean and I’m proud of you for making that decision.”

I stared at him, Dr. Bram grabbing his cup of tea and taking a sip.

“Fuck,” I whispered, the heat building in my face. Of fucking course he had to go all Dr. Bram and say something nice, something that broke that wall down.

“Are you still afraid of me, Dean?” he asked. I shook my head, Dr. Bram giving me a nod. “Okay. Why don’t you start at the beginning, tell me what all of this is about?”

“I see,” said Dr. Bram when I finished telling him about the fight with dad at lunch and the other model and then all the thoughts that had been floating around my head, especially about Y/N. “Has Y/N said anything to make you think these thoughts have any basis?”

“I...she’s so nice, Dr. Bram. She’d never say anything mean. She’s just going to break it off. We were supposed to be on a date tonight. I wouldn’t be surprised if were through already,” I said, closing my eyes. We were over just like that and I didn’t even get to say goodbye. It was probably for the best. I’d end up making a fool of myself. She didn’t want to see that. She didn’t want the screwed up-

Dr. Bram and I both popped up our heads when his computer made a loud pinging noise. He quickly stood up and pointed for me to stay, exiting the room. Someone had come in the front door, a bit of shuffling going on outside before Dr. Bram returned and shut the door.

He took a seat again with a smile.

“Y/N’s here,” he said gently. “She’s concerned for you. She’s going to stay out in the waiting area in the event you want her.”

“What?” I said, Dr. Bram leaning forward in his seat.

“Your girlfriend is concerned for you and she’s going to be here for you as long as you need her,” he said. “She’s here for you, Dean.”

“That’s not...she’s going to break up with me,” I said, shaking my head.

“No, no she’s not, Dean,” he said. “She’s here because she cares about you. I think that’s a very special girl you have.”

“But…” I said, taking a deep breath. It was quiet in the room for a long time, Dr. Bram not pushing anything, letting me get it all out of my system. He moved to sit on the couch, rubbing up and down my back when I nodded it was alright. It took awhile before I felt too tired to be upset anymore, Dr. Bram forcing me to drink some water when I finished.

“I was so wrong,” I breathed out, voice hoarse, throat scratchy and burning. “How could I be so fucking wrong?”

“Our heads get funny sometimes. It happens to all of us. You had a very difficult day, Dean,” he said.

“But if I was so wrong about Y/N, how can I believe that-”

“Dean, it’s been quite a few years since we’ve talked regularly. Back then you were still in high school. I think if you’re comfortable, talking about your previous relationships might help me help you,” said Dr. Bram. I nodded and took a deep breath. “It can be girlfriends, just a date, anything you think is important.”

“I met this girl like three days into when I moved to LA. She was older, probably 25. Cute girl but way too much makeup. I was naive though. She ended up taking me back to her place for a hookup. I didn’t really like it, that wasn’t what I was taught, you know? But that’s all she wanted and like I said, I was 18 and stupid. When I was leaving, she made a comment about...my body. Like it was good but I’d have to get it better because my pretty face would only get me so far there.

“I did the hookup thing on and off for awhile. I always got this reaction of like wow, you’re great at sex but it’s a shame you don’t have abs. Like what the hell does that have to do with just having a little fun? So I started to wear a shirt whenever I did that stuff and it got fun again,” I said.

“Sex is a very vulnerable thing, especially with a person you don’t know well. You realize you were trying to hide yourself,” said Dr. Bram.

“Yeah. I sort of stopped doing the hookup stuff because first off, I didn’t ever like it, I wanted a relationship like a normal person. But then I was thinking, relationships are so much more than just physical. So I eventually found this girl when I was 22, another model, and we started dating,” I said. “She was probably my first girlfriend I had for more than a few weeks.”

“How’d that go?” he asked.

“She broke it off when I wasn’t buying stuff for her,” I said with a smirk. “I thought for a long time that I was just bad at being a boyfriend. Of course I should have bought her presents every once in while, that was normal, right? Next girlfriend abused the hell out of that and I broke it off when I started to understand she just wanted my money. That’s what it turned into, they either wanted sex or money or arm candy to show off. But they always reminded me that they could have a better looking guy if they wanted, I always got that. Then earlier this year I met a girl at events a few times and started to hang out. I was really trying the friend thing with her and she seemed into that too. I figured out she was playing along later on but it was nice to try and have that kind of relationship first. We got together eventually because I’m getting older and I thought time to stop fucking things up and grow up. She moved in pretty fast and then she cheated on me.

“That hurt and we fought and I tried to explain why that really, really hurt and I opened up to her about stuff, stuff like dad and therapy and old girlfriends and how that I couldn’t just get over it like she wanted me to. She told me I was a freak and I kicked her ass out and didn’t look back. That was when I called home and got in that fight with dad and Sammy came out to stay with me in the spring,” I said. “The rest I guess you know.”

“I see,” said Dr. Bram. He leaned back in his chair, glancing at the door to his office, giving it a small smile. “Y/N is not like those other women I hope you can see.”

“She came here. For me,” I said quietly. “No one else would have ever done that.”

“She treats you with the respect you deserve and from what you said, you haven’t been shown that before. It’ll take time for you to get comfortable with a relationship like this, Dean. As you said, you’ve always hidden part of yourself away before, you weren’t vulnerable with your partners. This is different, isn’t it,” he said.

“I’m scared she’ll want to get rid of me when she realizes I’m not as strong as she thinks I am,” I said.

“I don’t think you should be,” he said. “I saw it in her face tonight. Weakness did not cross her mind. She simply wants to support her partner as you’ve done for her.”

“This is too much,” I said. “It’s too much to put on her.”

“Things like this are how we learn if our partners are going to care for us the way we need them to. People are not perfect and no relationship is, Dean. But they can be good, very good, if we open ourselves up and try. Yes, Y/N could hurt you, she could hurt you very badly. She could also be the one that gives you that care and affection you’ve been starved of,” he said.

“What if she says no?” I asked.

“What if she says yes?” said Dr. Bram softly. “We both know she’s still here and it’s been a very long time. You already know the answer, Dean. Just be the brave man I know you are and allow it to happen.”

I shut my eyes and sighed, slumping back into the couch.

“I think you’re ready to go home and get some rest,” said Dr. Bram. “You need to eat some food and drink something when you do.”

“Can Y/N take me? I’m too tired to drive,” I said, the sudden urge to just fall asleep forever hitting me.

“I’m sure she would love to. It’s probably a good idea if you stay with her tonight too,” he said.

“Okay,” I mumbled.

“You’ll be alright, Dean. I promise.”

I knew I was zoning as Y/N drove, not paying much attention to anything. She was concerned but...there was no judgement there. She was so kind and good and the fact she really wanted to stay with me put more than a few things at ease. I smiled a little when I realized she was walking to the front door without her hat, that Sammy would see her scar. She was so brave. I could try being brave like that too.

The rest of the night I let her move me around, tell me where to sit, what to do, what to eat. It was nice for a moment to not have to worry and let her take care of me. She cared so much. She was better than those other women. I’d always known that but...she was never going to care about my body, about looks or money or any of that.

I didn’t deserve her, never would. But I didn’t have to be so afraid of her running away.

“Sh,” she shushed me in bed, my face tucked into the crook of her neck, so exhausted, her body warm and soft beside me. Her fingers ran through my hair gently and I nuzzled into a few times, Y/N holding me close.

I could fall apart and she was still there.

Oh, I loved this girl. If only someday I was brave enough to show her that too.

[scribeofthenewworld]

Lapse

TRIGGER WARNING: cutting; serious mental illness

Starboard Psychiatric Center, the letters on the building read. Will’s mother pulled into the nearest space and turned off the car, then looked at Will and gave him a thin, strained smile. Will could tell she was trying to collect herself. 

“Ready, kid?” she asked him, clearly trying to appear braver than she actually felt. Will had always respected that his mom put on a brave face for him, even when she was as frightened as he was. He smiled back at her, trying to look reassuring. 

“Sure.” Will glanced into the backseat at Alastor, who had been silent for most of the car ride. Will wasn’t certain if he was sulking or simply lost in thought; Alastor hadn’t wanted to come here, he knew. Not that he could blame him; who wanted to be interrogated by a shrink? 

“Well, this is your fault, anyway,” he had retorted when Alastor threw a fit after learning that Will’s mother had made the appointment. “If you hadn’t told me to do it, we wouldn’t have to go, now would we?”

Nearly a week prior, Will’s mother had walked in on him cutting the last of several deep, even incisions into each wrist; she had screamed so loudly the upstairs neighbors telephoned to ask if everything was alright. After calming down a bit, she had tried talking it out with him. 

“Sweetheart, why would you do that? Is everything okay?” she had asked him. Will had not been able to give much of a reason; “Alastor told me to,” was all he offered in response. His mother had made the appointment the same day. 

As the trio approached the front doors, Will’s mother inhaled deeply and took his hand; it was meant to be comforting, but it was really more for her sake than his. He lightly squeezed her hand. “It’s gonna be okay, Mom.” She turned and gave him another strained smile. She looked close to tears. 

They entered the squat brick building, and as Will’s mother went to the desk to check him in, Will and Alastor went to find a seat in the waiting room. “Sit on the floor with me,” Alastor invited. Will sat with him next to a large potted plant. Will had always liked plants; he found them relatable in a way he couldn’t quite explain, at the same time that he envied their stress-free existences. Plants didn’t have to go to school, and by extension didn’t have to deal with bullies; that alone had to make life easier.

Will’s mother walked over, looking puzzled as she caught sight of the two boys. “Why are you sitting on the floor?”

“Alastor wanted to sit on the floor,” he replied. “Also, I like this plant.”

His mother looked concerned, shooting a glance at Alastor. “Will, have you ever thought that… after what happened… maybe you shouldn’t necessarily always listen to the things Alastor tells you to do? We’ve... I mean, you know he’s the bad influence of the two of you...” 

He looked at her very seriously as Alastor shot her a look somewhere between reproach and resentment. “I have to do what Alastor tells me to. Or else something bad will happen.”

She looked uncertainly at him. “But… how do you know? Have you ever tried… not?”

Will said nothing. He had, in fact, tried resisting Alastor’s commands before, but it had filled him with an uncontrollable panic that built until it left him sobbing and gasping for air, digging his fingernails into his palms so hard that they left marks. The worst part about that episode, however, had not been the panic attack, but what came after: he had wandered around his empty house for hours, touching everything, then touching it again, just to make sure it was real. He remembered looking at his hands and feeling that they were not his own; he had tried moving each finger individually, but had just ended up fixating on the motion of the tendons under his skin, rippling as his fingers moved. He remembered wondering what it would be like to cut away the skin from his hand, to view the muscles and the tendons and the veins underneath as they really were… Alastor had been sympathetic. “You see,” he had said to Will, “I tell you to do things for your own good, so that this doesn’t happen.” 

Will realised that, as he had been lost in thought, he had begun mimicking the hand gestures of a woman directly across the room from him. She and her companion had noticed, and were looking at him strangely. He dropped his hands and his gaze, imagining the floor opening to swallow both of them. Or him.  Alastor snickered, and Will shot him a reproachful glance.

He could almost feel his mother’s concerned glance, but he didn’t meet her eye. He knew she worried about him, but their relationship had always been somewhat distant. They were both naturally closed-off people as it was, and his mother worked constantly — she hardly had time to try and bridge the gap with her reclusive teenage son. 

A bored-looking young man emerged from the back hallway. “William Fuehler?” Will stood and glanced at his mother, who smiled encouragingly at him. He followed the man into the back and down the hall, where he ushered Will into a small, square office, then shut the door behind him. A middle-aged woman sat behind a desk, and she looked up and smiled at him as he entered. 

“William?” she read his name off her computer screen and gestured that he should take a seat. “My name is Dr. Mavis. How are you today?” 

“Fine, thanks,” Will responded almost automatically. He had learned early on that there were certain behaviours and responses that people expected from him, and he delivered, regardless of how he felt about it. It had reached a point where interacting with people felt automatic, as though the whole act was a recording being played over and over again. Keep your head down, don’t draw attention to yourself, smile and say “fine, thanks” when people ask how you are, don’t speak unless spoken to… those were the rules. He often felt as though he were too young to be so painstakingly aware of the fact, but public middle school was a cruel place.

“Do you prefer to go by William, or Will?” Dr. Mavis asked the boy. He didn’t respond; he gazed at his hands, lost in thought.

“William?” Dr. Mavis prompted. Will snapped out of his reverie, realising she had asked him a question. 

“Sorry, what?” 

Distracted, Dr. Mavis jotted in a notebook. Will flinched slightly. 

“Do you prefer William, or Will?” she repeated.

“Will,” he answered. 

“But some people just call him ‘weirdo’,” Alastor commented from his position behind Will’s chair. Will shot a look over his shoulder; he hadn’t noticed Alastor follow him in. He wondered if Alastor was even allowed to be there, but Dr. Mavis had said nothing, so it must be alright. 

“Alright, Will,” Dr. Mavis said. “Do you know why you’re here today?” 

“Because I cut myself?” Will said uncertainly.

Dr. Mavis regarded him curiously, wondering why he sounded so unsure. “Could you please tell me a little bit about why you cut yourself?” 

“Lie,” Alastor instructed him. “Say you’re depressed.” 

“Because I’m depressed,” Will said a little too quickly. Dr. Mavis immediately recognised this as a half-truth. Self-harm — cutting she wrote in the notebook. Will flinched again as Dr. Mavis fixed him with a penetrating stare that made him uncomfortable. 

“Is that the only reason why?” she probed. She hated trying to coax the truth out of distrustful youths; it only made her job more difficult and agitated both parties. 

Will could feel his anxiety rising; Dr. Mavis noticed the nervous tick he began drumming on his thighs, and she made a note of it.

Alastor leaned in close behind Will. “I don’t trust her,” he hissed into his ear, “and you shouldn’t either; she’s got it out for you.”

Will tensed, and Dr. Mavis noticed. “Is everything alright?” she inquired. 

“Fine.” Will tried to force himself to relax and smiled in a manner he hoped looked reassuring. 

It looked more like a grimace, and Dr. Mavis was more unconvinced than ever. Distrustful; dishonest tendencies? she noted. She leaned forward slightly, still regarding Will intensely. 

“Will,” she said, her tone serious, “I’m here to help you, but for me to do that I need you to be honest with me. Can you do that?”

Will nodded silently. 

“Good.” Dr. Mavis broke her intense stare, and a wave of relief washed over the boy. 

“Now, is that the only reason for your self-harm?” She looked at him once more. 

Will stared at his hands — the sensation that they were not his own was starting to return. Numbly, he shook his head.

“No?” Dr. Mavis leaned slightly forward again. “Could you tell me your other reasons, please?” Dr. Mavis could tell she was losing Will: his eyes were beginning to gloss over, his hands twitching rhythmically. Possible dissociation issues, she transcribed.

Alastor put one hand on the side of Will’s face; surprised, he jerked his head to the side. 

“Don’t tell her it was me,” Alastor muttered to him. “I don’t want to get in trouble.” 

Dr. Mavis was still looking expectantly at her patient and still writing in her notebook: Twitchy, nervous. Will stared intently at the notebook, his anxiety building with each scratch of her pen. The psychologist noticed his agitation.

“Does my notetaking make you uncomfortable?” she questioned him. He hesitated, then nodded, seeing no point in lying. 

“You may see what I write whenever you like; I’m not here to make you feel like you’re under a microscope, Will.” Wordlessly, he held his hand out for the notebook. Dr. Mavis noticed his hand shaking slightly.

“Would you like to see?” she asked. He nodded, and she passed him the notebook. He read what she had written, then handed it back. Seeing her notes had done little to assuage his anxiety; if anything, it had made it worse. 

“Did reading my notes make you feel better?” Dr. Mavis asked, although the boy still appeared anxious. 

Will nodded, then, remembering what she had said about him being honest, shook his head. Dr. Mavis regarded him for a moment. 

“I’m sorry to hear that.” She paused; Will had entangled his fingers in his sweater sleeves and now clenched them so tightly that she could see the knitted material strain. She was beginning to suspect that Will’s issues ran deeper than ordinary anxiety or depression.

She asked, “Are you alright, Will? Are you feeling anxious?” Will blinked and noticed his vice-grip on his forearms. He glanced at Alastor, trying to communicate: help me. But Alastor only receded away from his chair, still appearing sulky. Will forced himself to loosen his grip and nodded, the detached feeling intensifying.

Dr. Mavis studied Will’s posture for a moment; he appeared to be in the thralls of an anxiety attack, but his glazed-over expression made her second-guess that assessment. 

“Can you try and identify the source of your anxiety?” she prompted him. 

Will shifted his gaze to her. “I think,” he said slowly, “it’s that… I have this feeling, like… like nothing is real… like I’m just moving through the world, but I’m not part of it…” 

“Stop telling her about it,” Alastor snapped, and Will shut his mouth abruptly. 

“I see,” said Dr. Mavis. “Will, do you know what dissociation is?” He shook his head.

“It’s a feeling of detachment from one’s surroundings and body — someone who’s dissociating may feel as though they’re moving through life automatically, like a wind-up toy or a recording. Some people describe it as an out-of-body experience, as though they are viewing the events of their own lives from outside their bodies, not really participating. The feelings you described are common with dissociation, as are feelings that one’s body is not their own, or deep existential dread.” Dr. Mavis paused. “Does that sound like what you’re experiencing?” 

Will nodded.

“Do you experience this feeling often?” she inquired. 

Another nod.

“I see.” Dr. Mavis wrote frequent dissociative episodes in her notebook. “And you dissociate because you feel anxious? Or do you feel anxious because you dissociate?”

“The second,” he whispered after a moment, and Dr. Mavis made a note of it. 

“And was that the reason you felt the need to physically harm yourself?” she asked.

“Kind of,” he admitted reluctantly. “It’s… well, someone told me to.” 

The psychologist paused. “Was this someone at school?”

“No… it’s… it was…” Will looked around uncertainly for Alastor; he seemed to have left the room, though Will hadn’t heard him exit. He remained wary though; Alastor somehow always knew when he said something he wasn’t supposed to. However, Will couldn’t shake the feeling that it was very important that Dr. Mavis knew he was not responsible for the cutting. He pressed his palms to his eyes then ran his fingers through his hair, distressed. 

“Will,” Dr. Mavis said in her best commanding-yet-gentle voice, “I need you to tell me who told you to hurt yourself.”

“It… um…” Will glanced around nervously, then leaned forward and lowered his voice. “I have this… this friend… he’s usually with me, but he only talks a lot when we’re alone…”

Will felt every distrustful instinct screaming at him to stop talking. He fought them off, telling himself that it was this person’s job to help him, that it was okay… He thought of Alastor telling him not to trust her, and he almost shut his mouth again. But then another image rose to the forefront of his mind: the image of his mother kneeling on the floor in front of him, crying, holding his sliced wrists in her hands, sobbing that he was sick, that he needed help… 

With an enormous force of will, Will continued, “His name is Alastor. At least that’s what I call him. He’s my best friend. He tells me things that I have to do, to stop… bad things from happening. He also warns me about bad people, but between you and me I don’t know if he’s right all the time…”

Dr. Mavis wrote down everything he said now, selecting her next words very carefully. She suddenly had an overwhelming hunch about what was wrong with Will.

“Will,” she said, “is Alastor in this room with us right now?” 

Will glanced around, but Alastor was still nowhere to be seen. “He was,” Will said, “I don’t know where he went though; I guess he got bored and left.”

Dr. Mavis paused her note-taking and looked Will in the eye, her expression deadly serious, her suspicion confirmed.

“Will, there was never anyone else in the room with us. We’ve been the only two people in here since your session started.”