#i feel weird about it bc i feel like it looks incomplete now but!!! whatever

[ty-bayonet-betteridge]

I've been voting for whatever voices ship you're excited about in the tags since i haven't thought about shipping the voices before, I'd love to hear you elaborate on your thoughts about them if you feel like it and have the time!

ok im gonna talk about just coldcont and stubsmit bc i feel most strongly about them sdklgjhd

The Voice of the Cold and the Voice of the Contrarian have the same outlook on the world - they're both there to see what there is to see! They're explorers, essentially just wanting to see every route they can. They both also get their kicks by tormenting The Narrator. In both of their routes, they form a somewhat uneasy alliance with The Hero over making The Narrator their mutual enemy - now picture if they had had a route together. They would've made each other so much worse. The Narrator's personal torment nexus. Picture the Voice of the Cold coming up with cutting remark after cutting remark for The Narrator and the Voice of the Contrarian laughing along and falling more and more in love.

The Voice of the Cold is aromantic to me but I think he would still be open to romantic relationships, just to try something new, especially with the other Voices as they're explicitly one of the only things he cares about. Meanwhile I think the Voice of Contrarian is alloromantic but would have trouble getting into romantic relationships due to his tendency to push against people's boundaries and try to intentionally irritate them, even when he does like them. But the Voice of the Cold wouldn't care - in fact he'd probably give back as good as he got, which I think the Voice of the Contrarian would be delighted by.

There's two ways I can see Stubborn/Smitten. The first is them bonding over their shared admiration for The Princess - they both want to spend their entire lives with her, albeit in very different ways, and they both express these sentiments regardless of which Princess they're talking to (they both fall head over heels for the final form of The Razor, which delights me to no end.) So I can see them as both dating The Princess and having a thing for each other on the side - It would be a weird little throuple but I would be so on board for it. They both wear their hearts on their sleeves, it's just that their hearts want such different things that they seem totally different - but with The Princess as a uniting force they'd get along perfectly.

On the other hand, if The Princess is out of the picture, both of them feel like their life is incomplete - who will the Voice of the Smitten love, and who can challenge the Voice of the Stubborn? I think this could lead to - if you'll allow me to be cringe for a moment - something resembling Smitten <3< Stubborn. Picture the Voice of the Stubborn constantly insulting The Princess to the Voice of the Smitten, trying to goad him over and over into a fight. Picture the Voice of the Smitten reaching his breaking point and, his strength redoubled by his rage, giving the Voice of the Stubborn the first real fight he's had in years. Picture in the middle of the fight the Voice of the Smitten grabbing the Voice of the Stubborn by his lapels and slamming him against the wall - picture the Voice of the Stubborn grinning because this is what he's been looking for all along - picture the Voice of the Smitten, heart pounding, adrenaline running through his veins, pushing his lips against the Voice of the Stubborn's, their tongues fighting for space-

sorry i got distracted what are we talking about

[teddykaczynski]

dysphoria

im of two minds. about many things. but... well my facial hair yeah. part of why this is in a readmore and not. a normal ass post is because i dont feel the greatest about some of these thoughts. which are.... sometimes i see the facial hair patterns of testeronized females and my thought is, well that kind of looks bad im glad mine looks different/doesnt look that way. i feel this way about a lot of Tmustaches. but then sometimes im like well i kind of wish i had more of a mustache it feels a bit incomplete without... one. im like amish without meaning to be. but then i think again and the mustache hairs i do have... some are brown visible but a lot of them are pretty light, and if i had more hair there itd probably also be weird blond hazy and not like. idk the 70s tomselleck mustache the 14 year old dysphoric child that lives inside of me w3anted. but she didnt know what was realistic at all and i do. and like, idk ive reached a point with my dysphoria in many cases where i have a difficulty with this aspect of myself for whatever reason but i prefer it being that way than... the alternative. because i know what the alternate is and most of the time i just... visually prefer the option of nonaction. and ofc the other options are unknowns, i know what i look like now but its also possible to end up in a situation where. yeah i did T again so i have more of a mustache and my beard filled out but now i really struggle with this new thing. visually or not. and then seek to change/heal/fix that. rinse and repeat. and so on. thats the whole thing. anyway i didnt mean to get into that i really meant to just focus on facial hair. well my tangent was vague on purpose but let me just say

(i dont want to get t/opsurgery. for several reasons.... but the reason i was getting at vaguely there was that... the aesthetic results.. i feel leave something to be desired. which isnt a slight on any one whos gotten a surgery like this. like. im fat too, so my result would likely be suboptimal anyway and any weight changes may impact my chest in ways i would feel like would make it not worth it and like. i dont know. im skirting around it but what i mean is ive seen enough images of fat top surgeries and like. i prefer how i look now. it looks better to me. suuuure it cooooooould be nice to wear certain shirts with less stress in the summer but its also nice to not have nerve pain and loss of feeling and NIPPLES FALLING OFF[real story of someone i know] and i already have some permanent nerve issues in my chest from my reduction. so. tangent fully over)

like. idk. i go back and forth on it. sometimes im glad my facial hair is the way it is, and grows in, what is in my opinion, the pattern of facial hair typical of women in my family and perhaps a common female typical pattern just in my case it is much more increased. i wish my mom and aunts werent such shavers so id have better reference. i think if shaving wasnt a thing more woman would have increased/longer peach fuzz in the areas that i have a lot of hair. anyway. but then sometimes i wish it was... a more male typical pattern. like mustache connected to beard with filled in cheeks and sideburns. like sometimes im glad it is a more female pattern and i dont have a straight up beard bc i feel like it helps when i want to be assimilated among women but then i also do wish for the straightup beard sometimes. why? cause itd be cool. the 14 year old says. ok well. thats why youre 14 and im not

[tippenfunkaport]

Regrettably, Friendship is Magic (an SPOP Equestria Girls AU)

For today's prompt of Inspired By a Movie and, yes, I posted this on Discord once but I never shared it on here so let me live.

ok so Catra pulls the lever for the portal except instead of the normal portal reality, it puts her into Etheria High, a normal high school the sword comes with her, turns into a keychain

she runs into Adora, who does not know her, the two of them hit it off pretty well and Catra thinks, hey, awesome! I have Adora back, we get to start over, this is perfect!

except literally everyone else from the alliance?

HATES each other

and Catra's like, whatever, not my problem if Adora's new annoying friends hate each other, i got mine

except Adora is plagued by headaches and nightmares that Catra realizes are real Etheria, reality being ripped apart by opening the portal

if she wants to be happy with Adora in this world, she needs to close the portal in the other world… and she figures she'll just stay on this side, avoid all her problems, since there doesn't seem to be a Catra in this dimension

she seeks out entrapta re: the portal situation and together they realize they need magic to close the portal, a ton of it luckily, lots of the students at this school have latent magic ability (the princesses, obvs) but it's dormant so they can't use it until they activate it

hmm, activate it how?

Catra thinks about Battle of Bright Moon how the alliance was glowing when they worked together and realizes, to her abject horror, that friendship is magic

so if she wants to save this Adora and keep this new perfect life… she's going to have to get all of Adora's old friends to be friends with each other again

ughhhh

so she starts working on everyone and trying to get them to get along, getting Glimmer and Frosta to bond, Entrapta and Bow to be buddies instead of rivals, Perfuma and Mermista to stop fighting, wastes many hours trying to get Mermista to stop hating Sea Hawk only to realize they are just Like That

along the way becomes better friends and Scorpia and Entrapta than she was back home and realizes that's part of it too

finally, much like in the portal, she realizes that Glimmer and Bow are the key to it for Adora and she needs to get the best friend squad to be besties again… but the problem is that Glimmer and Bow can't stand each other

so Catra, hating her life, sets out to befriend the two of them to try to get them to realize how much they have in common until she locks them closet together and says they aren't allowed to leave until they are best friends

comic antics ensue

Finally she gets the two of them to realize they are destined to be besties, gets Adora into the mix, figures she needs to just step back and let this BFS thing happen and is surprised when they include her and, wow, this kind of fits really well, all four of them like this. Weird.

So now everyone in the alliance are friends like they are supposed to be and the magic works and they can close the portal but Catra realizes she can't stay here. That even though things with this Adora are great, it doesn't feel real or earned without their shared history. She can't just run from her problems, she needs to go back and make amends. So she says goodbye to everyone, horrified to learn she has actually started to care about all these annoying people, and goes back to Etheria with the plan to make things right and end the war

meanwhile, back in the other world, Adora is sad bc she has her friends now but her life still feels incomplete bc she lost Catra… but then Entrapta mentions they are getting a transfer student from Horde Academy next week, someone named Elizabeth Meowmeow who looks a lot like… you guessed it

The End

[winterrhayle]

it is time for you to rank midnights if you haven’t already (i feel like midnights is such a you album ykwim i can imagine you listening to it on a rainy day it has your vibes)

LOLL TY it's 8th in my album ranking but i still love it sm

dear reader - idk what it is with this song but it's so addictive,, whenever i listen to it something comes over me and suddenly i can't focus on anything else

labyrinth - it reminds me sm of the archer (in the way it's produced) and it's just such a nice song to listen to with all the lights off just sitting on my bed

sweet nothing - U KNOW THE PART WHERE SHES LIKE ooooooOoooOOOOooh i FELT THAT

karma - karma is a CAT fr (this is literally the sacred text)

wouldve couldve shouldve - as a speak now stan this song BROKE ME. THE RELIGIOUS IMAGERY AND DIRECT DEAR JOHN / OURS / SUPERMAN ETC ETC ETC REFERENCES?????????? GN

bigger than the whole sky -

maroon - ohhh when her voice goes all deep at 2:58 seconds im hhhhajhflhsdgfl blushing,,, also im obsessed with the red album refs too

you're on your own kid - THEEE MOST ERAS SONG (yoyok 🤝🏽 long live). it has such a nostalgic feel but also its always so interesting to see specifics that only apply to taylor ahhhhhgdfsdfghfdsasdfg

lavendar haze - omg i remember when i first heard this song on october 21st at 5am (thats when midnights was released in my timezone😭) i pressed play and heard the intro and meet me at midnights and i was literally SHAKING like omg

snow on the beach - ohh this song makes me feel like im watching the ocean,,, my fave part is when its like 'can this be a real thing can it *ocean wave sound* are we falling like *BEAT DROP(?)) SNOWW AT THE BEACH'

you're losing me - RIP TOE boy girl (i live an hour outside of london but whatever its close enough)

anti hero - when she made the snake hissing sound when she said 'everybody agreeeessssssSSSSSS' it was giving big reputation biiiig reputation ooh you and me we got a biig reputation ahhh

the great war - this song is so upsetting bc they did not in fact win the great war😭 also this song has big afterglow vibes i love that

midnight rain - ok the james charles sounding parts def had to grow on me and i love it now. also im a midnight rain is about taylor lautner truther but ik most people think its about tom hiddleston (theyre probably right but what can i say im a delusional girl)

paris - THIS ONE IS SO FUN TO ACT OUT WHILE IM ON WALKS LMAOOO I WAS MOUTHING THE LYRICS REALLY AGGRESSIVELY WHEN I WAS WALKING HOME FROM SCHOOL AND THIS OLD MAN PULLED OVER AND ASKED IF I WAS OKAYYY☠️ I HAD TO TELL HIM THAT I HAD AIRPODS IN BUT I PROBABLY LOOKED SO WEIRD LOL

glitch - underrated bop fr. i remember when midnights first was released i would play the whole album on repeat for WEEKS and while i was lying in bed trying to fall asleep it was still playing through my speaker,,, and that one part of glitch where its like 'just dance....' and then suddenly she was like 'GLITCH' my soul always exited my body omg

question...? - can i ask you a question?????? are we out of the woods yet????????? loveveveveveev the 1989 vibes on this one

mastermind - i hated this one at first ngl but i like it now!!!!!!!!! its a perfect album closer for the standard edition and i lovveveve the contrast it has with the 3am closer dear reader

bejewelled (lolll my autocorrect made it a double l bc thats how u spell it here) - he didnt let her bejwelled😔 i love this song but something about the production seems incomplete? idk what it is though

vigilante shhhhh - this song is so camp LMAOOO

high infidelity - ok this is actually my least favourite taylor song ever i really dont like it😭 its boring idk,, i like the april 29th part i guess

sooo thats all pls dont hate me😜😍😘💕

[asterlark]

#femslashfeb2019 day 12: balloons | leah/abby

“that has to be the best part of being in love— the feeling of having a home in someone else’s brain.”

[savrenim]

hi hi hi. so I just got into the Hamilton fandom, I swear I am four years late where did everybody go, and, well. I am apparently a hamburr shipper. bcs that is my life now. anyway I saw your fic ifmlam and I swear it is my favourite of all the fics I've ever read (and trust me I've read literally thousands). I love it so so much, how do you write fics like that??? I cried about four times during the whole thing, I stayed up till 4am reading it even when I had to wake up at 7 because it is just. that. good. I could not stop thinking about it for days afterwards and ifmlam has just ruined me. I can't think of listen to Hamilton without thinking of ifmlam anymore.

on to my qursttion: is it abandoned? of course it's perfectly FINE if it is. don't let anyone tell u differently, your fic is YOURS and u are amazing.

but pls I really need closure from ur fic, it has been haunting me if its abandoned or ongoing and I've read ur other fics and they are just chefskiss and thank you so much for writing them all. thank you thank you thank you, I will never be able to thank you enough for writing this fic and for everything it's done for me. I am probably thousands of miles away but I am sending you virtual jugs through a co.puter screen right now.

(don't feel pressured to reply to this or update it flam, I know how overwhelming it can get with so many messages and after a while u get desensitized to it. u can literally reply "thx. itfmlam is abandoned" and I would still be amazingly star struck. anyway has gotten way too long and I need to sleep and I'm sorry u probably won't see this so I'm just talking to myself right now but bye!!)

and thank you so so much for writing itfmlam.

aaaah hello anon!

thank you so so much???? I am so??? honored??? that ifmlam rates so highly to you, and also that you've read my other fics??????

the answer to the "is ifmlam abandoned" question is probably the worst possible one, which is pretty much "I do want to finish it, both for the folks that still want closure as well as it bothers to me have abandoned projects that are in the public eye/ already partially published, but also, it is last on my current writing projects list"

my current actually active writing projects list, kind of in order of priority, is

I'm literally three chapters away from being Actually Fully Done with the not-quite-first-not-quite-second let's call it 1.5th draft of an actual?? full?? original?? novel?? Opus which of course then goes out to beta readers and then gets who-knows-how-much edited and then maybe beta readers again if a lot does change and then a copyeditor my mom, my copyeditor is my mom, and maybe my little brother he's one of the betas but is very good at catching typos and then I!!! get to publish it!!!! which is the single thing I am most excited for!!!!!!!!! this should be closed up in the next week or two, and then take a while for people to actually read the draft and get back to me.

I really desperately want to finish my open-but-like-90%-written fic, which means we raise it up, the final chapter of to the bottom of the river bc I realized that it was kind of incomplete, and the second chapter of a buried and a burning flame because any more work there will need to wait until the author publishes the next book in the series. this should be closed up in the next month or two.

Speedwrite the draft of the second book of the Opus series so that hopefully by the time book 1 edits are happening, I have an almost complete draft of the second book. this is mostly me side-eyeing myself about taking nearly four years to write the first book, but that is solidly in part because I had so many other open projects which point 2 is about clearing that docket. this should be done in the next year.

And then just have my major projects be, at least until books 1-5 are written and published, books 1-5 of that because that is arguably the first major 'plot arc' of the series, so if I'm looking for a pause point on writing, that's probably where to stop.

There are two or three other short side projects (a weird fun second person short story tentatively titled witch-queen, a collection of four short stories Memoirs about a not-so-evil necromancer and the shenanigans he gets up to trying to rule a kingdom, working title Perfectly Normal Recipe Blog which is a collaborative project about a perfectly normal recipe blog that definitely doesn't include anything out of the normal) that will happen when they happen

There are other projects that are on the backburner -- The Numanok Files, a series of probably 12-15 short novellas about a mercenary/ bounty hunter esque person in space whose specialty is dealing with hauntings, but, like, 80% of their jobs is actually "you are effectively a space home inspector pointing out faulty wiring reacting to solar flares/ there's a weird alien fungus/ it's carbon monoxide okay change your atmosphere filters" and 20% of it is punching ghosts; there's a post-post apocalypse novel that I want to write that I know characters and general pacing and half the setting but need to work out the other half and figure out how much aesthetic I want to commit to; there's Strangeside7 aka spacerace book that is my reaction to how much I love how Redline the anime movie commits itself to "no we are about a race, like 60% of the screentime is just fully going to be an utterly ridiculous sci fi space race"; there's even a ridiculous YA trilogy that I would have to completely transplant the setting but might end up writing because the interplay between angel-physics and physics-physics was one of my favorite things in the world. and I guess the weird ridiculous technically a sequel series to ifmlam that was going to be published as original books that was basically me having fun with 'okay I fucking love star wars prequels old rotting space bureaucracy galactic republic style' except with seers and that also still might happen because it does have some of the coolest sci fi concepts and honestly I thiiiink that's all?

but the tl;dr of that timeline is I'm trying to finish a punch of projects Right Now, so that I can write books 2-5 of Opus, and then when I'm done that (which honestly, my average fiction-writing output is close to 100k a year. if I'm concentrating purely on one project, and writing books that are about 100k, we are talking four years. although my job situation is super up in the air in that period and writing might get put solidly on the backburner as I try to make it in academia, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) I will re-evaluate which projects go next, and that's when ifmlam is likely to come up for review.

I do not have any expectations that I will make it as an original author. I'm planning on posting all of my stuff online for free, but, like. it is incredibly difficult to convince people to try out even a piece of free and easily accessibly original work even if one has a huge following, I am a very small fanfiction author, and from what I can tell the majority of the people who are interested in my work are mostly interested in me finishing ifmlam. writing is a hobby for me, and while I'm writing mostly for me--and hence the for me bit at least for the next five years is pretty solidly going to be this series that I am deeply excited about and have sunk my heart and soul into every single aspect of--I'm human, and I don't really like shouting into the void, and I expect if I spend five years publishing to absolutely no response I will either stop writing for a while and do other things gods know my life is busy enough, return to fandom in general to write some other fanfic about whatever I get deeply into, or return to a work that I actually get response to. so ifmlam will probably start getting worked on a bit at that point one way or another. unless, of course, we are in the incredibly rare timeline in which I do make it as an original author, there are people who are deeply hyped for my original works and an actual demand for them, in which case as you may have noticed there are enough ideas there to keep me busy for a decade or two, and they will just get my full attention instead of fanfiction*. in this timeline, I will do what I was considering doing a few years ago, which is officially declare ifmlam otherwise abandoned and make one more giant chapter update which is a full and cleaned up outline of what I was going to write, interspersed with the scenes already written, and have ifmlam be given at least that closure.

*I want to make it clear that I very much love fanfiction and am proud to have been a fanfiction author and in my heart of hearts would keep writing it forever, I just also have a lot of ideas for characters and settings and magic systems and Aesthetics and I have been biting at the bit to write something that is //mine// and all mine and only mine for a while, I don't see original work as superior so much as there are a dozen fandoms that I am currently in and bursting to make content about except oops these fandoms currently only exist in my head, and I want to correct that

of course given how much as writing is my vent activity and I write what I'm in the mood for, there's a chance I'll feel ifmlam cravings before then, just... expect it to take a couple of years for an update, but also for there to be an update one way of another in a couple of years? but as for right now, I'm turning to original writing, because that is what brings me joy.

but I am really deeply honored that it brought you so much joy!!! and while I will never publish spoilers in a public place, if you message me off anon I am perfectly happy to give a run-down of my current plans for the ending, bc I know "wait a couple years and see" is not the most satisfactory of answers! and hey maybe you'll be like me and once you've given Opus a try you'll decide you like it better too, it does have Seers although they are deeply different Seers than in ifmlam but imo it's very gay and fun and at least politics on one side

[riaflicke]

The saying went something like, monsters are created not born. And that was exactly how Ria Flicke felt about the demon - or demons, plural, depending on the day - inside of her. It wasn’t always dark, but it was fed enough that it grew and grew until she didn’t know what it felt like to not have the darkness inside of her.

Some of the creation was self-inflicted. It wasn’t like she knew how to walk away from a bad situation or how to let the light win out, no, she let the darkness win and that was her own fault. Over the past few months of alone time and wrestling with questions and curiosities, she managed to figure out how and where the darkness was cultivated, fed and nurtured by the people that were meant to protect her.

AUGUST 17th, 2010, FAIRFIELD, CONNECTICUT (14 years old)

Move in day for Faircrest Preparatory School. Day one of one million of learning to be a spy. Mariana thought that it would be a good idea for Leon to drive Ria to move in. After all, he worked at Faircrest, and she thought it’d be good for the younger Flicke to finally get to know her father. 

Needless to say, it did not get off to a good start. Ria knew two things: her mother was cryptic about her father and the only way to get adults to pay attention to her was to be annoying. And she had lots of questions for Leon which meant she would be extra annoying. 

“Don’t put your feet up there,” Leon turned over to his daughter, who had perched her feet on the all white car dash. “You’re going to get it dirty.” “What?” Ria didn’t dignify him with even a glance, she instead focused on picking a scab on her calf. “Maria-” “Ria.” “Maria,” Leon huffed, “Take your feet off the dash or we’re not leaving this driveway… What did you do to yourself anyway?” “Fell off my bike.” “Don’t you know how to ride a bike?” Picking at the scab until she got it to bleed again (because it definitely made her dad cringe), “Yes. I let go.” “Why?” “It made mom freak out.” She finally moved her feet from the dash, pleased with the furrowed brow her father now had. “And why in the world would you want to do that?” Leon asked in a deadpan tone, clearly frustrated with his daughter’s antics. “It proved mom cares. Somewhere. She got worried.”

The frustration on Leon’s face morphed into one of pride, but in the blink of an eye it was back to neutral. “You’re already thinking like a spy. What has your mother taught you so far?” “Nothing, I’ve known for all of like, three months.” “Alright. Well, we have about six hours ahead of us-” “Joy.” “Don’t interrupt me, Maria. I can’t have my daughter not knowing anything about spyhood. You’re already starting Faircrest at a disadvantage.”

That spoke to the competitive side of Ria and all, but she thought that this ride would be a way to get to know the man she’d wondered about for years. “You’re going to spend six hours talking to me about spy stuff and not like… anything about me?” “I didn’t say that. Anyways, I’ll see you all year on campus, we have plenty of time to get to know each other.” “Ooookay. Weird, but, fine, talk to me about your spy life or whatever…” Her voice trailed off into silence.

Leon glanced over at her, “What were you about to say?” Chewing on her bottom lip, Ria was silent for a little longer before speaking up. “I wanted to ask you a question.” “Fine, ask it then.” “Do you love me?” The words sounded sharp to hide the fear inside. “I don’t know.” Sitting up straighter, the blonde’s face dropped, “How do you not know? I’m your daughter.” “We just met.” “So?” “So,  I need time to decide.” “Do you think you ever will?” “We’ll see.” And he wouldn’t. ‘I love you’ were three words he’d never say. “Fine… Tell me about this spy shit.” “Language.”

JUNE 8th, 2010, FAIRFIELD, CONNECTICUT (17 years old) Whether she wanted to listen to her father or not (spoiler: she didn’t!), Ria wanted to be top of her class. Success was something she could control. Success gave her purpose. Success made it all worth it. So as much as she hated Leon Calder with everything in her being, she kept note of all of his rules and the subsequent tests and trials in a tiny leather bound notebook. It was a pale pink, embossed with “Maria” on the cover - which she had since scratched up with pens and keys until it only read Ria.

With graduation on the corner - and a four year break from spyhood (her parents hated that one) on the horizon - she flicked through the pages, a walk down a very bumpy memory lane.

Rule 1: Control the conversation What’s it mean: - Have conviction in what you say - Stand by your words, even if they’re questionable - Don’t get stuck in webs of lies - Take pride in attention - good or bad - throws people off their game when you embrace an insult

Rule 2: Head not heart What’s it mean: - Don’t lead with emotions ever - Look at things logically bc that’s trustworthy, emotions are fickle - Tears are weakness - avoid at all costs!!!

8/30/10 - first week @ faircrest, dad got me a xanax prescription. told me it’s better to feel nothing than something. haven’t tried it yet 2/1/12 - (middle of soph. year.) - i think i’m addicted  4/29/14 - i’m graduating in 2 months. Idk how to feel bc i don’t think i’ve felt anything in four years. 8/2/14 - i don’t trust my own head

Rule 3: Don’t have a blindspot What’s it mean: - Falling in love means youre caught up in another person - Getting caught up in another person is a weak point - A lover will betray you or will be used against you - Lust =/= love, lust is ok.

11/1/13 - i don’t think ive cared about a single person ive slept with. like at all.

Rule 4: Know what you’re walking into What’s it mean: - Awareness is key - Evaluate every situation in full - ALWAYS keep your guard up or you’ll get backstabbed

12/21/10 - was @ home for christmas, dad snuck up behind me and threw a knife. i ducked in time. said i need to get better at awareness. Wtf.

After twenty or so blank pages, one page of the notebook had a few words written on it in all capitals. They were written more cleanly than the notes and scribbles of yesteryear, clearly written by an older Ria with stronger penmanship.

I THINK IM A MONSTER.

SEPTEMBER THROUGH NOVEMBER, 2020, ROSEVILLE, VA (24 years old)

The fires the year prior had been the first time that Ria remembered crying in over ten years. Something cracked inside of her as the buildings and all she’d used to ground herself started to fall and crackle apart. It was what pushed her to look inside of her. To know why she held so tightly onto the lessons and learnings from two people that couldn’t care less about her. It was what sent her to therapy. 

There were no diagnoses to be found, apart from a self-inflicted dependence on unhealthy relationships and her vices. She lacked the remorse and violence to be a psychopath, and she didn’t have the swings of anger that hallmarked aggression disorders. What was there instead was a shell, a guard that presented itself as sociopathy - but she knew what she was doing, she had remorse, that was where the questions began. How could you display every trait in the book but be ‘normal’ inside? 

The revelation of Blackthorne as a school for assassins had opened up even more of a can of worms, but she ignored it until the start of her third year, as she continued to try and understand what was going on inside of her head. Leon had gone to Blackthorne, yet the alumni didn’t seem to recognize his name. Something was up.

With the help of one of her Faircrest friends, Tobi, she was able to find more on her father. More on his employment records and his history. He’d begun going by his middle name after graduating Blackthorne, Leon Calder instead of Malcolm Calder. Hardly a criminal offense. He had a cross listing with the MI5 (expected, she knew her parents met in London) and a private agency ‘Atkinson Associates’. Further digging revealed it as a hitman agency, one that her father was still actively employed with. 

Once she had that, and access to the files of the company, she went to dig on her own - not wanting to pull anyone else deeper into the mess. The employee roster and files were what she really wanted. Clicking on her father’s, she read through the notes, feeling a gross pit building in her stomach as she learned more. Kill count: 117. Use for: High profile, quickturn jobs. Works both individually and with partners.

Noting that the word partners was linked, Ria clicked on it, skimming quickly over unknown names until she settled on the name of a former partner. One she knew too well. Mariana Alice Flicke.

“No…. no no no…” But she couldn’t stop, she had to know more about her mother. Kill count: 2. Use for: Track erasure and evidence destruction. 

She didn’t know if it made her feel better or worse that her mother was typically non-violent… Even if she condoned the violence. Blue eyes kept scanning the profile of her mom. Employment Terminated: September 30, 1995 Reason: Pregnancy.

“No wonder he hates me so fucking much.” She took Mariana out of the field, she took his partner away… But that wasn’t her fault! Hovering over the word pregnancy, Ria’s brow furrowed. Another link. There was no reason that needed to be linked. Everyone knew how pregnancy worked!

After a long stare off with the link, she finally clicked on it. The curiosity eating away at her. It pulled up what looked like an incomplete profile, one with nothing but the key statistics. And she didn’t even need to read them, they were ones she knew by heart. Name: Maria Grace Flicke Date of Birth: June 6, 1996 Start Date: To Be Determined.

She wanted to stop scrolling, but her hand kept moving, the answers were finally there. Whether she liked them or not. 

Current Status: 

Atkinson Associates Case study 001.:  Nature versus Nurture

- Developing the mindset of an assassin from day one - Utilizing upbringing to control later characteristics, thought processes, and disposition

None of her mania was an accident. It was all part of a bigger plan that she never wanted to be a part of. Each demon was planted inside of her by the people that were supposed to love her most.

And the only way she could deal with this was to let out an ear-piercing wail.

[yyxgin]

no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3

admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.

thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?

also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.

im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!

also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.

gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨

ilyl ~ 🌻

thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you 

HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes

aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd

oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.

why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??

ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!! 

YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing

ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!! 

ily <333

[moonflowerus]

ULT GROUP(S) TAG!!!

I was tagged by the lovely @kimyovngjo, thank you ❤️

I’m too shy to tag anyone but if you see this and want to do it go ahead!! consider yourself tagged

1: who was your first bias?

hwanwoong and ravn

2: who is your bias now?

hwanwoong, ravn and seoho (yes literally half of the group... rip me)

3: what was the first mv you watched by them?

to be or not to be

4: what’s your favorite mv?

Also to be or not to be! I love all their mvs but I consider tbontb the most aesthetic (even if not exactly my aesthetic). I think it’s special for many reasons, including that it was my first time seeing oneus. There’s other more “objective” reasons why I like it the most tho: not only is the aesthetic stunning, it also has storytelling and fantasy elements, which I really enjoy!

5: if you could only listen to one of their songs for the rest of your life, which would it be?

Can I cheat and say all of them? sahjdfshgdf I truly love them all. However, there’s a few songs that touch me in a deeper way, they’re not like my favourites or better than the others but there’s something special about them: bingbing, lion heart and incomplete. I’ll also throw tbontb in here too bc it’s special and iconic.

6: who would you want to see them collab with?

I don’t keep up with kpop in general and like, to me 6 people is already enough asfshgfdhf but I’m gonna say any of the 1d boys (especially niall) for completely selfish reasons.

7: what (mv) concept do you want to see them do?

Since I don’t know much about kpop I also don’t really know about concepts. But hm... I think the fantasy element suits them very well, but when it’s been used it was in a more serious, dark way and the fantasy aspects themselves (like idk eye colour change) didn’t appear so much. So maybe something more dreamy? Soft? With more pastel tones and stronger fantasy elements (with good cgi and makeup). Basically soft aesthetic magical vibes. Also!!! flowers, many flowers. They already use it a lot and it’d fit.

Okay after writing that whole essay I just remembered I’ve thought before it’d be nice if they did something galaxy/universe themed, like those parts in valkyrie.

8: have you ever had a dream with any of the members in it?

Yes, twice! But only recently, like a few days ago. My dreams are crazy and I barely remember them tho. The first time it was seoho and I don’t remember the context but I met him and told him his name is very pretty, and he was really happy about it.

9: if you could spend the day with one member, who would it be and what would you do?

Ohh this is hard, I’ll try one for each of my bias. For ravn I think I’d like to spend it at his studio and hear him talk about music! I know nothing about it but I’m very curious and could genuinely listen to him talk about it for hours, and ask many question about producing, songwriting and his general music style. For hwanwoong I feel it’d be nice to go out on a sunny day, eat something and grab a drink at a coffee shop and then walk around/hang out at a nice area while we talk about whatever topics come. I’m not sure about seoho but I’ve always enjoyed watching friends play games so maybe we could just order food and chill while I watch him play, and then I could show him the one game I play, we could even play together!!

Also, not my bias but going on a food tour with keonhee sounds like a dream.

10: which member do you think you would get on with best?

I’m genuinely someone who gets on well with most people, so idk? I’d say my personality is like, a seoho base with some ravn and keonhee so maybe them? I think me and keonhee could quickly bond over our love for food and ravn looks like you can talk to him about anything so they’d be the easiest. seoho seems kinda shy around strangers but I feel like I have the same spontaneous/random vibes as him so we’d probably connect at some point.

11: which member do you think you would argue with?

I’m very chill and avoid conflict so no idea. Or maybe a little bit with all of them bc I’d tell them to go to sleep and rest instead of doing lives at 1 am.

12: if you had to let one member scroll through your tumblr, who would it be?

Hm, I don’t really care about it? I don’t think most of my posts are a big deal, except some of my weird/funny ones. I feel like hwanwoong would just find it funny and not take it too seriously so I’d pick him.

[synthmusic91]

10 - 15 >:)

10. what do you wish you hated, but actually like?

pretty men with mental issues

11. vague about your crush(es)

no one right now currently...free from the shackles thank GOD but in a similar vein i have been very worried about the dichotomy of people i'm attracted to vs. people that i think it would be a good idea to date, or would be good in a relationship...doesn't help that i literally have not left the house for a whole year -_-

12. is there someone you have mixed feelings towards?

(serious) my parents and my ex friends and also (joke) @goldium when she posts weird shit <3

13. talk about an au or story you came up with

i read a lot of interactive fiction and i reeeallly want to write my own (preferably shorter because the full-length ones take years to finish if ever) one but it's so hard to plan tbh especially since i don't....write...aha. i want it to be a story for myself first and foremost so i was considering writing about themes of (im cringing so hard typing this bcs i'm repressed) alienation and possibly transformation, and of course with magic and with a relationship that blurs the lines between platonic and romantic. it was going to be like, there's this town on the other side of a rain shadow (basically it just rains a lot and this huge mysterious mountain looms over you all the time). and people who disappear into the mountains come back...changed...so people tend to avoid it, and there are magic people(?) who live in the mountains...for the most part. you could say fae except they can like. transform into animals am i a furry? so then you could say fox spirit but it's not always foxes like one of them can transform into a bird. anyway

you'd play as someone living in this town who lost their memory, and your (self identified) "partner"(?) sort of helps you get back on your feet, and you can choose to research your past, or not, etc etc. the "twist" is that both you and your partner are actually those magic people from the mountain (meaning you can transform into animals). the "twist" actually happens like midway and the rest of the story is spent dealing with the repercussions. like the community on the mountain is super toxic (which is why your partner, who didn't lose their memory, left), and you basically have to choose between going back to your community and dealing with that or not doing that and possibly losing connection with your culture, or [redacted other thing]. it's all very much me projecting my cultural disconnect and of course there is an option to give ur partner a little kiss kiss.

in terms of the magic system well i could literally talk about this all day and it isn't even really related to the story but i wanted there to be like a pattern to it. and maybe there would be some different styles to it, from very intentional, almost mathematical (literally like based on undecidability proofs and maybe number theory), to more immediate and vague. i want it to be truly integrated with the world and the culture too, not just used as a silly battle mechanic. actually, i think magic would NOT be great for fighting! i think magic would be much more likely be used for culture, art, and communication before it would be used for war. if my characters get into fights they will use fists and knives. sometimes simple is best.

this took me forever to write and still i wish i could go more in depth. the picture is incomplete...help this is so embarrassing

14. do you like makeup?

yes but also no i'm sure you can imagine. i'm not very good at it (or maybe my face is just weird) but i want to do other ppls makeup at a sleepover SAUR bad. i wish people were more into creating things that might be ugly but having FUN!!! except i'm a hypocrite bcs the minute i think someone would be like "she looks a lil funny" i'd wash it all off. like i hate beauty standards but i also dont wanna be made fun of. also my mom always yelled at me for doing makeup or liking cute clothes bcs she thought it would distract me from my studies or whatever. so i'm into it now, like tasting the forbidden fruit.

15. do you prefer space or the ocean?

when i was a kid i was definitely VERY into space. but idk if that's me being into space or just what science books i had available. maybe if i had an ocean book i'd be into the ocean? but i mightve also been so repressed i didn't want to read about things with higher mental functions than a sponge. the book i read the most went into space, rocks and minerals, and the human body (no brain function since it's not the whole human), and there was another book that went into dinosaurs, earthquakes and volcanoes, and insects and spiders, that i didn't read as much...so it's possible! if i really was that repressed, it would make sense for me to be into space and not the ocean.

[fandom-will-be-my-fall]

Spill your heart out about Walter.

Okay so I basically got this question in what, January?? but I’m answering it now since I just rewatched the movie and have inspiration, sorry for the late reply Anon

Okay so, to start off this post with some keyboard smashing because that my primary go-to for expressing my emotions

sgklhfsgjksdlgdghkjlgjhOHUFLUSKHDGSLIDRGKJGKFSDHGlhjglksdhkglshglllllfa. knjcthxiudhusmnvsoidhéytbvonjyxclkkvbr. haeylicfvshdkgikc

HANDSOME BOY. HANDSOME. ‘NUFF SAID.

I could legit stare all day at his beautiful face… look at him. Enchanting sky blue eyes… fluffy, wavy brown hair, cute round cheeks, lovely smile… those hidden freckles that you can hardly spot and only in certain screenshots but nevertheless they’re there to raise the cuteness factor… ALSO HIS LASHES. MAYBE IT’S NATURAL?? MAYBE IT’S MAYBELLINE?? WE SHALL NEVER KNOW

Here you may be able to spot the freckles if you squint hard enough. I have 77 screenshots but this is the best example I could find.

Secondly… well, he’s a sticc. A short sticc at that (though still slightly taller than me bc I’m smol), but a sticc regardless! And that seems to be the most attractive cartoon body type for me. Don’t judge me, I just have a thing for twinks, I’m… twinksexual or whatever.

Look at him! He would fit through my doorcrack.

(Maaaybe the reason for me liking sticcs so much is partially the fact that I like the idea of a boyfriend I can protect and support, physically and emotionally. I’m mad at the universe for not letting me scoop him up in my arms bridal style and smooch the HECK outta him.)

I’ve encountered a few posts that claimed he’s got cake but, come on. That concept has canonically been proven to be false, even by Lance. This man is flat and you can pry this opinion off my cold, dead hands.

Speaking of hands! I like his big ol hands. Nice shape. They look soft. I wanna hold them.

According to a DVD commentary, and the visual facts, he has no shoulders whatsoever. Back in Venice Killian was able to restrain him effortlessly with only one foot on his chest, even as he kept struggling ans squirming and generally put in as much effort as he possibly could. Before then, he claimed the database was the first thing he has ever caught in his life.

Conclusion, our boi’s very much NOT athletic. Which makes sense for a scientist, braining all day and stuff, and because he probably barely even eats, or sleeps which are by the way both pretty concerning implications but anyway.

STOP BEATING UP THIS POOR FRAGILE LAD FOR GOD’S SAKE. Makes me want to protect him even more. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but you get what I mean.

Now, on to the actual reason I’m so head over heels for him, a.k.a his personality.

He is one of the sweetest, kindest, purest boy characters I have ever seen in fiction, if not THE number one himself. (All my other cinnamon roll crushes are, or have been a villain at some point and WILL resort to violence if provoked.) Look at him, his pacifism… is unbreakable. He’s dead set on making the world a better place, by peaceful ways, and helping humanity. If that’s not a quality to be cherished then IDK what is.

And he’s just such a refreshing character. He likes pink, K-dramas, glitter, kittens, things that aren’t traditionally “masculine” (but is never made fun of those things in particular in the movie) and I love that. Nothing’s sexier than a man who’s, despite society’s shitty standards, openly and unashamedly himself!

His femininity is, if anything, just another turn-on. (This didn’t intend to sound sexual… but oh well.) I love his little hand gestures and mannerisms, dorky ramblings, the way he says “yep” popping the “p” at the end, all the small yet significant traits that were incorporated into his character. Bless you, SiD creators, bless you.

Have I said that he’s a genius?? Which is pretty obvious but c’mon, he graduated at 15!! He can modify human genes!! He successfully turned a man into a pigeon on the first try!! (The serum wasn’t the first prototype but we can assume he didn’t experiment on living humans with the previous ones.) And he’s still just 20!! Like what is that if not hella fucking impressive???!??

His inventions, to the untrained eye, may seem “stupid” or “childish” but alas! The observer couldn’t be more wrong! Because despite the odd designs and themes they’re all highly effective, as we have witnessed in the battle against Killian. And he is extremely creative for coming up with such ideas! Told you he’s brilliant!!

Which makes me all the sadder about how much they underappreciated him at the agency. In his words, nobody ever listened to him, or gave him a chance. They just left him and his “weird” ideas next to the men’s bathroom and called it a day. How could they be so blind? Didn’t they see the potential in his inventions? Oh well. Maybe I’m just being a smartass bc I have more knowledge, living outside that universe. But I’m totally right.

And I was honestly ready to throw hands with Lance for hurting the boi even further. (I’d stand no chance whatsoever, but still.)

Oh no baby please don’t cry.

He did cry in that scene though… you could see a tear rolling down his cheek and if it wasn’t for the machine beeping… He did have a pretty rough day afterall. But HEY, if we dwell on it too much the scene loses its comedic effect!! A guy gets sad over a stupid soap opera, har har har!! Now let’s move on, keep it fast and snappy for the kids, don’t let them overthink it!! Can’t have any emotional breakdowns onscreen. Keep it lighthearted y’know. Then let’s kill a random side character and have our dear protagonist almost die twice.

(Well jokes on you Blue Sky! I’m no kid, but a devoted fangirl who can and will overthink any material of my fictional faves at any given opportunity.)

You know what else I love about him though?? His love for animals!! And pigeons, especially Lovey!! He loves her so much, gives her gluten free breadcrumbs, nuzzles her, the first thing he does when he finds out Lance can talk to the pigeons is ask if she loves him too!! Like… That’s so pure and wholesome.

This here. THIS RIGHT HERE. BROTP forever.

(Not gonna lie, I used to be crazy for pigeons for like, an entire year or something. Not as in looking up all the facts there are about pigeons as I do nowadays with cartoons, but I’d feed them regularly and write my little observations on their behaviors. Did you know they sometimes scratch their neck with their leggies like dogs do?)

I think I’ve summed up mostly everything I love about this nerd. Oh wait, almost forgot the sass!! I love how sassy and smug he can be sometimes, in like, a really harmless way but it’s still a very nice characteristic.

Since I’ve ran out of coherent things to say, here’s an incomplete list of things I want to do to Walter Beckett. Put at the end of this post so those of you who were only here for the analysis part and not the selfshippy gushing don’t have to read further:

kiss he

like seriously

just kiss he a whole lot

cover his whole face in kisses

one kiss for each of his freckles. a finishing kiss onto the tip of his nose. then repeat the cycle

hug him. hug him like the world is ending. hug him so tight he can barely breathe

then ofc let go and apologize bc I would never hurt him on purpose

cuddle him

hold him close, let him lay his head on my chest

run my fingers through his hair

listen to his breathing

discover that he’s fallen asleep on me and smile fondly, then soon drift off to sleep myself so we can wake up entangled in eachother the next morning

fuck he

pin him to a wall and snog he

make him go cherry red

fluster he

compliment him. praise him. appreciate him. he’s a prince, a hero, an angel, a wonderful human being and he needs to know this

feed pigeons together

listen to his scientific ramblings and bird facts

write him love letters and give them to him. maybe read it aloud myself if I’m feeling brave so I can see his reaction in real time

serenade he

be the love of his life, and have him be mine

just… soft things, man

cook something for this malnourished sticc

make him small handmade gifts

they’re nothing like his gadgets but I tried

draw he

have him be my muse in general

not like he isn’t now but it would be lovely if he was real too

carry him bridal style

be the feral cryptid that lurks in his house when he isn’t around

sing along to cheesy pop-song together really badly

watch cheesy rom coms

flirt with eachother clumsily until we’re both laughing at our awkwardness

or, alternatively, shower him with compliments until he literally cannot handle it

have sleepovers together

give him hand kisses

be of emotional support

[fatrainbowmermaidunicorn]

Gotta Find You (Jungkook x You) (ONESHOT)

A/N:I dont know if this angsty, but its inspired by BTS- Heartbeat and Joe Jonas - Gotta Find You. 💜

To me Heartbeat is about lovers/group of friends who are separated, living in a different world but always known something is missing, that they are fated to do something else together with each other. So they feel incomplete and empty before meeting one another eventhough they lived a full life (somehow like how bts are before they meet each other, all the farmer and pianist stuff you know?) and after they get together, they achieve something wonderful, (which is the most wonderful group in the world of course 😂) and when something tears them apart, they went all out to search for each other again to feel complete (even if its too late)

Well.. that is my understanding of the song but I dont know what I wrote and I almost didnt post this bcs I feel like it sucks so bad 😭 but please, try to enjoy it 💜

Jungkook, are you alright?" Namjoon looks back behind him to the maknae who stops midway.

"Y-yeah.. just that..." Jungkook puts a hand on heart, feeling it racing. "Shes here hyung,"

"Who's here?" Namjoon looks at him puzzled.

"My soulmate. My soulmate is here. Shes out there, in between thousand of our fans out there hyung,"

Namjoon looks at the younger as if he is crazy.

"What are you talking about Jungkook? What soulmate? Is this one of your anime crap again?"

"No hyung. I dont know who she is, or what she looks like, or her name  or anything about her. But I know shes here, and when I see her, I'll know hyung,"

"Okay, stop being weird. We are minutes away from starting our show. Can you stop being weird Kookie?" Namjoon sighed. This is not the time to be crazy.

"No hyung, you dont understand. I have always known. When shes sad, or shes happy or shes mad... I know it sounds crazy, but I know, no matter how far apart we are, or how different our worlds are, we are bound to meet and be together, because.." Jungkook smiles. "We are fated to be. Its already written, our fates. Shes my heartbeat hyung, and I'm hers,"

"Okaaayyy... I seriously have no time for crazy right now. Lets go!" Namjoon pulled his hand and ran to the other members to do their motivational circle chant. "Goodluck, lets do our best and lets have fun guys!"

The show went well and Jungkook and Taehyung are playfully running around the stage, waving goodbye to their fans before ending when Jungkook froze, eyes locked with someone in the crowd.

"Hey Kookie? Whats wrong? All okay?" Taehyung whispered, brows furrowed in panic.

"Its her. I found her hyung," Jungkook mumbled.

"Found who?" Taehyung was confused and dumbfounded.

"Her.. my soulmate..,"

/////

Jungkook plays with the necklace hes been wearing for do many years, fiddling the strap as his mind wanders. The noisy background of his hyung playing around while getting ready for their concert in a few hours doesnt bother him at all.

"Hey, you okay?" Jungkook looks at the voice to find Taehyung looking down at him, smiling. "You seem out of it," his eyes didnt miss the way the maknae's hands fiddling with the necklace. "Y/N?"

Jungkook lets out a soft smile.

"Who else hyung? Who else would have occupied my mind like this?"

"What are you thinking about? You can  tell me Kookie," Taehyung take out a chair and sits besides the maknae, smiling. Jungkook sighed.

"It was at a concert exactly like this that I first met her hyung,"

"I know," Taehyung smiles. "I was there remember. I thought you were having a stroke," he laughs, making Jungkook smile too.

"I miss her hyung,"

"I know you do. We all know. And we all do too," Taehyung gives a sad smile. "But you will see her again yeah?"

"Will I?"

"You will Kookie. I promise," Taehyung pats his back. "Afterall, you are soulmates,"

/////

Y/N had the shock of her life when one of the members himself ran after her after the concert is finished. At first, she thought maybe its a fan cosplaying as Jungkook or something and ran after her because she left something. But standing a meter away.. looking straight into his brown doe eyes and bunny grininng smile, Y/N is almost 100 percent sure that its the real Jeon Jungkook.

But when he opens his mouth and breathe out oh so slowly, "Its you," Y/N got confuse again. Is this one of her old long lost friends that she should know?

"Uh.. excuse me?"

"Its you," Jungkook took a step closer and hold her hands which she retracts immediately.

"I-I think you have the wrong person S-sir. I dont know you," Y/N stammered.

"I dont know you either," Jungkook laughs. "But I know its you,"

"Huh?" Y/N was starting to think that he is absolutely crazy.

"I know it doesnt make sense, but.. lets get a coffee with me. Right now. Your choice of place and I'll tell you everything,"

"Errr..." Y/N ponders for a moment. Even if she picks the place, he can still kidnap her or kill her or something right?

"You can pick somewhere where there are a lot of people. And you can even tell your friend that you are going out with me. Here, take my photo and give it to them. Better yet, take my number and my identification photo," Jungkook smiles and place his ID on her palm. "Feel more secure now? I'll give whatever you need, I just want to talk to you. Need to,"

After thinking for a few more moments, Y/N finally agrees after passing all his details to her friend. Of course, not after a 5 minute high pitch shreik she received atter her friend recognized the man as Jeon Jungkook.

"So.. uh.. what do you want to tell me Jungkook-ssi?" Y/N asks as they sit face to face at a crowded coffee shop, Jungkook in a mask.

"Well..." Y/N can hear his smile. "Y/N, you are my soulmate and I have been looking for you since forever,"

/////

"Come on you two. Enough being sad. Its show time," Namjoon stand between them, patting both their backs.

Taehyung winks at Jungkook, giving him the encouragement he needs and get a smile in return.

"I'm not sad hyung!" Jungkook laughs, although he perfectly know he cant hide anything from his hyungs.

"You got that right Kookie. You have the whole world at your feet, you have everything you have ever dreamed of, yeah? And most importantly, we have each other," Namjoon smiles.

"We do hyung. We always do," Jungkook nodded and follow his hyungs to the stage. He does have everything. Supportive family, incredible hyungs, lovable fans and he is doing what he loves, and good at, even being paid for it. But no matter how perfect or successful he is right now, it will never be the same without her.

///

It took a while for him to convinced her about his crazy theory. Its hard to believe, but deep inside Y/N know what he is saying might be true. Her life, as perfect as it is, just doesnt seem... complete. She always feel thats hes destined for more, for something else, for someone else. All her relationship never lasts, theres always this empty feeling in her. But after she starts knowing about Jungkook's group and seeing his face on TV and magazines, it just feels different. Which is why she went to their concert in the first place.

And right now, listening to what he saying, describing exactly what she's been feeling. The feeling she cant even put into words, she knows hes telling the truth.

"Y/N, no matter how far apart we are, or how different our worlds are, we are bound to meet and be together, becaue its already written. You are my fate, and I will always find you,"

Those words struck a cord in her and with a smile she agreed to give him a chance, to get to know him,

And well, 3 years later, here they are, madly in love and finally ready to tell the world about them.

/////

Jungkook tighten the scarf around his neck and put his gloved hands inside his coat pocket. The weather is cold but he still insisted to take a walk. Its the perfect time to do so, since all his hyungs are all exhausted after their concert and immediately retreated to their room once they reach their dorm, so no one will interfere or asks him what hes doing or where he is going.

Jungkook walks through the night, pulling the mask that covers his face even closer. He has been warned to always conceal his identity, no matter where he goes. Even just for a short walk in a nearby neighbourhood.

You are an international star, somebody is always watching you, they said.

And looking at every passerby that keeps glancing back everytime they walked past him, the giggles and the whispering, he knows they are right. No matter where he go, people know who he is. People are watching.

This is the life he chose. And he dont mind it.

Until her.

/////

"But manager-nim, we want to go public. You have to understand," Jungkook flashed his doe eyes to the manager, making him sigh.

"You," he turned to Y/N who is frozen to her chair. "How about you? Do you want to go public?"

"I-I.. uh...,"

"Dont be afraid baby, tell him. I am right here. Always, remember?" Jungkook smile and squeezes her hand for strength.

"W-well," Y/N gave Jungkook a small smile. "If its the best for Jungkook.. and it makes him happy, then yes. I want to go public with him,"

"It wont be good for him!" The manager snapped, making her jumped. "You think I am doing this because I simply want to ruin your life or something? I am doing this for his own g-"

"Good?" Jungkook snickered. "My own good? Manager-nim, we both know its for the company's own good. And since I am not under any dating ban, I am just asking out of courtesy, so no matter what you say, I am going public. I love Y/N, and I want people to know that too," Jungkook slammed the table and drag Y/N out, not looking back.

"Are you sure its a good idea Kookie?" Y/N asked in a small voice as she snuggle closer to him in their bed. "Maybe your manager is right..."

"Hey baby," Jungkook smile and stroke her hair. "Everything is going to be alright. As long as you love me and be by my side, its going to be alright,"

"But-"

"No buts," Jungkook sits up and looks at her. "I told you so many times baby... I have known that I will love you with everything I am even before I met you. And when I see you there at the concert... after so many years.. you think I am going to ever leave you? I love you. And its not just a normal kind love baby, my feelings for you are magical, supernatural, beyond everything anyone could ever imagine," he grins. "And you think I am going to let some manager stops us, you are crazy,"

Y/N's heart soften a bit after listening to him, leaning in closer and hugs him.

"I love you Jeon Jungkook,"

"And I love you L/N Y/N. And I promise you, no matter how far apart we are, or how different our worlds are, I will find you, we are meant to meet and be together, because you are my fate and I am yours baby,"

/////

Its for her own safety Kookie. You know its the right thing to do," Taehyung gave him a small smile and pats his back. We will wait for you in the van. Take all the time you need okay?"

Jungkook sigh and looks back at Y/N whos lying in bed with tubes and wires all over her as his hyungs all retreat to the van waiting outside the hospital.

Going public isnt a good idea afterall. It started with virtual harresment and then it quickly starts being physical and within just one simple second where they both decide to forget about it and just live their life, Y/N ended up in the hospital.

Jungkook take her hand and rubs it slowly as Y/N stirs and open her eyes, smiling at the sight of him.

"Hey..."

"Hey baby," Jungkook cant help but feel the tears pooling in his eyes. Seeing the love of his life in this condition, all because of him.. everything is too much.

"Why are you crying? I'm fine," Y/N smiles. "Hey, I love you. And you said, no matter what happens, as long as I am besides you, we will be okay right? I am beside you right now Jungkook, although like this..," she lets out a choked laugh.

"How can you even joke right now?" Jungkook frowned.

"Because joking is supposed to make you smile," Y/N smile and reached out to touch his face. "I love you Jungkook, no matter what,"

"I-I have to tell you something," Jungkook takes a deep breath.

"I already know Kookie," Y/N smiles.

"N-no you dont. How can you? Let me say it Y/N,"

"I heard your hyungs and your manager Kookie. You guys are pretty loud. I'm not dead you know," she giggles.

"Y/N, let me explain so you will understand..."

"I understand," Y/N smiles at him but tears are rolling down her face.

"You are not supposed to understand! Im leaving you Y/N. I have to leave you because of my career! My stupid career! You are supposed to scream at me, hate me, hit me!" Jungkook's whole body shakes, angry tears running down his own face. How could they make him do this? Telling the love of his life that they are over, while shes laying in a hospital bed? For the same reason he needs to break up with her?

"But I do understand Kookie. I love you, thats why I understand," she squeezes his hand tight.

"I-I cant do this,"

"You have to Kookie. I wont let you choose me over your dreams. I wont!" Y/N shakes her head as much as she can with her condition.

"B-but you are my dream Y/N," Jungkook starts to sobs. "I didnt know what I was missing until I found you. How can you ask me to let you go?"

"Because I will always be with you Kookie. We might not be together, but you know I'm always with you. In there," she smiles and points to his heart. "In there, I'm always yours and you are always mine. Yeah?"

"I cant do this without you. I was only by myself before, if I didn’t know you baby, maybe I’d have given up. You make me everything I am today!"

"Lies Kookie," Y/N giggles between her tears. "You are already great before you met me and you will be great without me. I promise. Do this for me. Okay?"

Jungkook looks down, shoulders shaking as he sobs, hands squeezing hers tight.

"Hey.. dont be like this," Y/N pouts and slowly reached out for her necklace on the bedside table and place it in his palms. "As long as you have this, know that I am here, waiting for you. Come find me Jungkook. When you are all done, come fine me, and I'll be here, waiting for you,"

Between sobs Jungkook looks at the face that still keeps on smiling at him. Between all their ups and down, never failing to smile at him.

"I will find you. I will come back and get you. I promise," Jungkook swore to her and most of all, to himself.

"I know you will Kookie, you always find me. Because-"

"You are my destiny,"

/////

Jungkook stops at the sight of a huge billboard. A billboard filled with the seven faces, faces of him and his hyungs.

Namjoon was right. He have everything he had ever wanted. But even from the first day, something always felt missing, something always tells him that theres something more for him out there, somethimg is wrong, until he met her.

Now thats shes no longer with him, no matter how successful and fullfilling his life seems to be, it will never be enough.

He looks up again at the billboard, his own smiling face staring right back at him. Is this enough? Is this what hes meant to do for the rest of his life? Even if it meant that he will feel this empty feelings every single day?

He slowly take out his gloved hands from his pockets and fiddle with the necklace again. Clasping the locket tight, Jungkook whisper softly, "I found you princess.., I'm coming to see you..."

/////

"I know its hard Kookie, but you know its for your own good right?" Namjoon looks back from the front seat of the van at the maknae. Jungkook just nod weakly.

"You will see hee again Kookie. After everything is over and done, when you are free to do whatever you want, you will see her again," Namjoon tries to make him feels better.

"Yeah?" Jungkook looks at his hyung weakly. "And what if I dont? What if over and done is too late?"

/////

Jungkook continues walking in the cold air until his feet takes him to rows and rows of cold grey stones and he stands in front of one.

"Hi princess..." tears rolls down his face, no sign of stopping. "You promise me you will wait for me to find you, but you lied didnt you? I-I'm sorry I was late... I-I'm sorry I was late to find you.." He knelt down, the ground still fresh, proving to Jungkook of what he doesnt want to believe is real and traced the cold grey headstone with his fingers.

L/N Y/N Lover. Friend. Daughter Forever Be Missed.

[cloneslugs]

sorry idk how to do read mores on mobile apparently you all have to suffer through this

this one comes in a buyable set so the pic is nice but anyway (: [spring/summer/fall/winter]

i wont compare these much to the renewal versions but i will say.. the renewals do look better <3 i do like the outfits for the most part!! the summer miku going for swimwear is actually cute i think it's a cute outfit & I usually hate swimsuit figs but this one might get a pass. winter is cute but shes angled down too much + autumn i dont care for really her waist is super skinny though and shes angled/twisted weird.. i have nothing bad to say about the spring one <3

i give this a 6/10 (6.25/10, highest ranking is spring + lowest is autumn)

[top: winter/fall , bottom: spring/summer] sorry im too stupid to put things in order + there are alt colors for these but who cares

these i think are a better looking line than the first they're a lot more dynamic and just really cute. fall has an upskirting problem which is my biggest issue it's really gross i saw it in an unboxing vid which is ): bc i think her fall one is otherwise really cute. Winter is my fav improvement and im not just saying that bc i own/won her -_- i really like the black leggings + her skirt is really cute and shes actually looking up. Spring is still suuuuper cute i love how big and bright her eyes are, i honestly dont know if i prefer the renewed pink or the original dark but they're both cute i really like the outfit tbh.. and i have nothing new to say about summer miku. these all except spring mostly loss the hair gradience which i dont think is bad i really like the colors

this set gets a 7/10, better than the original but i was really excited for the fall and it let me down (7.25/10 ♡winter/spring, Xfall)

THIS SET IS SUPER CUTE they went for holiday themes which is nice + besides spring i think these are so so so good!! spring is a really tacky bunny outfit and it's too revealing imo.. i think if they changed her top it would be much cuter but it being how it is i simply would not want to own her. i looove how round winter is esp what they did w the hair she just looks so friendly i love the halo too it just has a nice chunky feel to it [: fall well i do love witch mikus and this one is just really cute i love the face model they used shes just really excellent i loove it.. summer is also really cool a lot of summer themes go for beach but i love the festival theme her outfit is very fun and cute and nice

7/10 major point loss for spring though (♡autumn(but the other 2 are really good too), X spring)

incomplete set i couldnt find a marked 3rd season winter but this is like a currently running set so idk anyway*

i like the pink gradience in this springs hair more than the "original clothes" set it's cute also a fairy is just a cute choice at first when i saw her i was kind of put off but seeing the actual figure she looks really good i really love the hair buns and her dress is cute overall just very nice (: i really really love this autumn one the pose and outfit are super cute and i liked the toned down hair color her shoes are cute the leaves are cute just a very cute autumn design her bangs are super detailed but that's okay ig it doesnt tale much away. summer i very much despise it's similar to the 2nd season spring where i would just now own this and i think swimsuit figures are just gross to begin with i think the majority of people who own this summer miku are freaks tbh.. she has like a double swimsuit thing going on which idrc for the top but the bottom is just gross and bad and the garter or whatever on her thigh is just bad i think if she had her hoodie zipped up or something that would be fine i like the shoes and miku tube but that's about it her face isnt very cute and idk if i like the green fade in in her hair i get it's like the ocean but its :/

this gets like a 6/10 major points off for summer miku

*

also idk if this is just a standalone taito winter fig or if its supposed to go w the 3rd season set anyway i own a plush version of this one the outfit is kind of very tacky but its mostly cute ig i like the hair ribbons um that's about it ig this one doesnt evoke much in me tbh

[crowned-ladybug]

So I said I wanted to see demon AUs that aren’t smut and that I sadly don’t have the energy to make my own rn, and then I went ahead and accidentally made one anyway

So here’s some incomplete notes on it. It’s 2.7k words. I’m so sorry.

Local dumbass heir to the throne (Joseph) doesn’t Wanna be a heir to the throne bc it’s Boring he’s always wanted to be an Adventurer but here he is anyway. Then one night he gets drunk off his ass and manages to?? accidentally summon a demon??? in his friend’s Magic Lab???

(The friend is Avdol and he’s v v tired of Joseph’s shit)

fuckin Joseph made a drunk deal with a demon who Absolutely saw nothing against making a deal with the royal heir currently drunk off his ass bc hey, free deal

luckily the deal wasn’t for Joseph’s soul or firstborn child or half his kingdom or whatever. Instead the deal is a magical bond between Joseph and the demon that allows the demon to share in Joseph’s life energy/general basic human magic and thus be able to exist in the human world in a stable form without having to go home to rest every once in a while or having to maintain like ten spells Just In Case

the demon is doing this whole deal thing bc 1) he Has to, it’s kind of his Job and 2) he’s looking for vengance on a gang of demon hunters who have killed his family but since they’re human, he needs a way into the human world for a longer term to be able to hunt them down

the demon is Caesar in case you haven’t figured that out yet

Joseph is a lot less concerned about having made a deal with a Literal Demon than he should be. He thinks it’s p hilarious actually and Caesar immediately starts having regrets (he’d bond with Avdol over it if he were willing to lower himself to the level of Measly Mortals)

the fun thing is that bc he’s tied to Joseph magically to allow him to freely exist in the human world, Caesar can’t get out of a few mile radius of him, which kinda makes his plans to hunt down the demon hunters (*cough* Pillar Men *cough*) a lot harder and Joseph even more annoying to deal with

the logical solution to that is to pass Caesar off as a servant Joseph befriends, so that he can stay in the castle, and then eventually they can go off on some adventure together to defeat the Pillar Men (or, well, so that Caesar can defeat the Pillar Men while keeping Joseph at arm’s length) which would also mean that Joseph can Finally get his big adventure he’s been dreaming about

then Joseph gets the genius idea to kill even More birds with one stone and decides that Caesar should pretend to be his bf bc all the annoying ass nobles and shit won’t leave him alone about not having a partner and “oh no, you’re of age now, what will happen if you have to take the throne but have no queen by your side?” and everyone keeps trying to woo him and it was fun at first but now it’s just goddamn Tiring

Caesar agrees to it eventually bc Anything as long as Joseph lets him do his research on the Pillar Men in peace. He doesn’t really realise what fake-dating the annoying bastard entails until he’s already too deep into it and he kinda literally can’t go back on his promises to Joseph, being a contract-bound demon

(Caesar looks like a proper demon normally but he Can disguise himself as p much entirely human-looking if he needs to. It takes energy tho, so he reverts back to his demonic looks whenever he’s safe from prying eyes, or if he’s unconscious)

they’re essentially fake-married for magic tax benefits it’s so great

there’s Definitely some Magic Soulbond Shenanigans along the line of “if one gets hurt the other also feels it”

they find out that Caesar reverts to his demonic form when asleep when he pulls two all-nighters in a row looking for information on the Pillar Men and passes out in Avdol’s study, scaring the shit out of poor Avdol. After that they manage to land a room for him in the castle with some lie about him having travelled here from faraway lands (technically true) and having nowhere else to stay (also technically true), but he also spends a lot of his time in Avdol’s study and Joseph’s room without his disguise, solely for convenience’s sake

they ofc have to fool Everyone with the fake dating, including Joseph’s family, bc No One else can know that Caesar is a demon on a quest for vengeance. The worst, most unexpected part for Caesar is that Queen Erina and Lord Speedwagon actually seem to like him?? they’re just genuinely nice to him??? simply bc he’s around Joseph and bc they find him likeable??? he did Not expect Anyone to be nice to him in the human world, what the Fuck, he doesn’t know how to Deal With That

Suzi is Technically a servant but she’s been Joseph’s friend since they were lil kids so she was essentially raised alongside him and they’re best friends and Suzi can only keep Joseph out of dumb shit like half the time bc the other half she’s right there in it with him

she is Entirely unfazed by Caesar, sees through the pretend relationship in like two minutes and knows immeditely that Something Is Up. When she accidentally catches Caesar in his demon form while checking to make sure he’s not stacking all-nighters again, she doesn’t even bat an eye (meanwhile Caesar’s thoughts are entirely “oh fuck do I have to kill her now, Joseph’s gonna kill me if I do, oh fuck, oh fuck”) just tells him to go to sleep on time and then leaves (to call Joseph out on getting himself into even deeper shit than she’d originally thought)

look idk what he does or what relevance he ends up having to the plot but Polnareff is also there, he’s a dumbass knight who’s the reason Joseph knows how to Not fight properly (bc Polnareff has a shitton of dumb tricks and Joseph knows all of them) and has a giant crush on Avdol

god there’s just. A Shitton of dumb shenanigans during their time in the castle, both with the fake-dating (like having to teach Caesar proper royal etiquette and him getting Very confused and flustered when Joseph casually flirts with him) and with hiding Caesar being a demon (they have so many stupid close calls and make so many dumb decisions they Really Shouldn’t, it’s great)

when the time comes to go and find and kill the Pillar Men, it’s only Caesar and Joseph going bc Caesar doesn’t want any more ppl in this mission than absolutely necessary, totally not bc they’re his friends and he worries about them or anything

they get some tips on where to look and how to get there from this weird adventurer dude who passes through the castle on his travels every once in a while. Joseph’s only met him in passing but he thinks he seems fun and has his own dumbass theory that he’s totally some runaway royalty or something. Instead turns out that the dude is half demon and actually related to Caesar and Caesar, being an orphan and all, had thought finding a remaining member of his family would be Way more thrilling but no this dude is just as weird and annoying as Joseph so he’d like a refund pls

(the dude’s Gyro. Ofc it’s fuckin Gyro. Johnny’s there too somewhere I just haven’t figured that out yet. He might actually be the top horse trainer/caretaker/whatever of the castle and the True reason Gyro travels this way every time is bc he’s smitten as hell)

while Gyro gives them some advice he also tells them that hey. Maybe you shouldn’t do this?? esp not just the two of you??? Considering the Pillar Men are known to be ruthless and Very good at killing demons

ofc these idiots Don’t Listen and go after them together anyway

the plan technically is that Joseph stays a safe distance away while Caesar goes and fights the Pillar Men and Totally wins but like. ofc he doesn’t listen and refuses to stay on his ass and let Caesar leave so they go in together anyway

they manage to find Santana alone and Actually Kill Him but it’s a close one, much tougher than anticipated bc as I said before, these dudes are Really Good at killing demons and also just killing in general. It’s also when Caesar realises the full scope of the “if one gets hurt, the other also feels it” part of his bond with Joseph bc Joseph gets hurt worse during the battle and Caesar is so shocked by his own reaction to it that he’s frozen for a moment and it almost costs him his life

that night when they’re camping out after the battle, Joseph reveals that a long while ago he figured out how to break their magic bond without it hurting either of them or sending Caesar right back to his own world. it’s some old spell he found in one of Avdol’s books or something, idk, and at first he’d kept it hidden from Everyone bc he was starting to really like Caesar but knew that Caesar was only around him out of necessity (not true actually but Caesar hid and denied his growing fondness for v v long) and he didn’t want him to leave the moment he realised he Could, even if it was v v selfish of him and he feels like shit about it now. And then later on when it turned out that they’re gonna see this quest through together anyway, he figured it didn’t matter anymore and so he kinda just forgot about it

but he’s remembered it again before they left and packed what he needs for it as a grim Just In Case (and it may or may not be a weird red gem bc yknow, but idk yet) and now he offers to break the bond already bc of how him getting hurt almost got Caesar killed. But Caesar tells him not to, bc it doesn’t matter now and a spell like that would probably take a lot of energy out of both of them when they need everything they’ve got for the upcoming battles

in reality he doesn’t want the bond broken bc it makes him feel like he’s got a right and a reason to stay, without having to fully face just how much he cares about Joseph, and bc it makes sure that Joseph is never far from him and lets him know if he’s hurt and maybe like this he can somehow protect him from getting hurt again

spoiler alert: he can’t

the fight with the other three Pillar Men doesn’t go their way at all. I mean it’s 3 vs 2 and the 3 are Very Good at killing so it should be Expected, but they’re young and dumb and Caesar is stubborn and still thirsting for revenge and if Joseph can’t hold him back then at least he can stay with him

they both get badly hurt and when it looks like it’s just it for both of them, Joseph brings out that spell again and breaks their bond before Caesar could tell him to stop and tells Caesar to run, to get away and don’t even fucking look back, just Go. When Caesar tries to object, Joseph tells him that he’s not dying just so Caesar can get himself killed too and Caesar is too scared to do anything but listen and run as Joseph leaves himself no escape and takes another two of the Pillar Men down with him before Caesar could figure out a way to save him

Joseph survives, Somehow, minus a hand anyway. He wakes up again in his own room in the castle and he has No Idea how he got back or who even found him and his best guess is that Gyro and Johnny have followed them and lbr Avdol’s magic has probably had a part to play in it too

and Caesar is just. Gone. Separated from Joseph and already weak from the fight, he didn’t have enough magic left to remain in the human world for long and thus got pulled back into his own world, and being just a normal demon, he can’t even cross back over without being summoned. But Joseph doesn’t know any of that, he just knows that Caesar is Gone and he strongly doubts he’s coming back bc he hasn’t already and he’s p damn heartbroken about it

meanwhile Caesar isn’t having much better of a time in his own world either. Bc nothing went well, Nothing, but he realises that he doesn’t even care about his revenge plan anymore, he doesn’t care about hunting Kars down and avenging his family. But he’s just lost the only family he’s had Again, the ppl in the castle this time, and he’s stuck here without any way back unless someone accidentally summons him again, and for what he knows Joseph had died to save him and Caesar didn’t even get to say goodbye or bury him

this v shitty state lasts until Joseph’s desperation + a lil nudge from Avdol and Suzi gets him to try summoning Caesar again (bc Joseph decides that if he gets no response at all, if the spell fails, it means Caesar’s really just Gone and he hadn’t made it out alive after all, but having definite knowledge of that will still be better than just Not Knowing and hoping for the rest of his life)

Avdol lets him take his study all to himself and so Joseph settles in during the afternoon and gets to finding the spell which is Not Easy bc he’d been drunk off his ass when he’d first found and performed it. He’s starting to lose hope and think that maybe the spell doesn’t even Exist in Avdol’s books, he’d just butchered a completely different spell and that’s how he got to Caesar, when he Finally finds it, and it’s almost midnight at that point and he’s Exhausted and Scared and Sad and he just Wants This To Work

the spell asks for an offering for the demon’s services, and the first time around Joseph had said something like “idk name your price” which is how Caesar had got the bond he needed (tho Joseph doesn’t actually remember this)

this time he just says “anything” which is a p dumb thing to offer when making a deal with a Literal Demon but he doesn’t care, this is Caesar, he trusts him and he loves him and he’d damn right give anything to just know that he’s okay and maybe get to see him again

and the spell Works it fuckin Works even if it takes a moment and there’s a flash of light and then suddenly there’s Caesar, sitting on the ground in Avdol’s study in all his demonic glory, blinking as his eyes adjust to the dim light and until he sees Joseph sitting on the ground in front of him, crying. And from then on it’s just a big “i thought I lost you” reunion moment that’s so happy it Hurts. They stay sitting on the floor for Hours despite it being late at night, just pressed together and talking about anything and just enjoying each others presence bc they’ve missed each other and thought they’d never see each other again

the next morning Avdol finds them sitting against the wall in a pile and fast asleep and decides to take the day off and goes to find Suzi and Polnareff to tell them the news

idk where the rest of the plot goes yet bc Kars is still out there and Erina and Speedwagon still don’t know about the whole demon thing but have this for now

[roominthecastle]

Hi Room, What do you think about the finale? Any theorys about why Katarina did that to Red? And what do you think about the Stranger? Thanks!

To me, the finale in general felt okay, which is strangely comforting bc it wasn’t bad. I’m good with an “okay”. “okay” is an improvement (like I still feel TBL is trying while – to use a concurrent example – GOT gave up on itself and its fans spectacularly). There are individual moments that are more than okay to me (DEMBE, the team work, esp Liz & Red, esp esp Liz taking charge and that tiny moment of synchronized tea drinking) and others are less than (e.g. the conclusion to the conspiracy plot is kinda… ?!), but overall I like how S6 played out and my excitement for (lucky number) 7 is intact. Things are in motion and interesting again, and I finally gave myself permission to do a proper, full-scale re-watch during the summer, maybe attempt to chart the timeline, too, which is sth I never expected to consider doing again. I’m even gonna read the comics. In short, this season pulled me back in the Zone.

the rest is behind a cut due to length – @ mobile app users, apologies as always

Red’s identity, Dom’s story, and Liz’s side of these things

The Stranger: Masha was bound to figure out you aren’t who you say you are. What I can’t figure out is Dom. Why would he tell her all that?Red: In an attempt to help her move on.The Stranger: And she believed him?Red: She did. So much so that she‘s decided it’s safe to bring her daughter home.The Stranger: I know Dom meant well. He shouldn’t have told her that story.

So… having seen this scene, I def have more doubts than before, anon, but I still believe that the gist of the Rassvet story (including Red == Ilya) is true. This is (imo) why Red tells Dom “I know the broad strokes, I know who I am, but I need to hear the details you used to sugarcoat the ugly truth to make it look like a fairytale”, i.e. something that Liz has a tendency to swallow (see changed man!Tim or every paternity test they show her), something she was eager to embrace here, too, despite the obvious holes bc – as she told Ressler – “it is sweet and safe, so I’m gonna overlook things that don’t add up and hope it doesn’t come crashing down on me this time”. But it does. Every time.

Whether we like it or not, this is a consistent trait in Liz, this willingness to settle for a sweet, simple story over the messy, complicated truth even when she has misgivings (see her going at Red in 219, “It wouldn’t kill you to lie just once to make someone feel good.”). She’s not stupid, she’s just scared and unsure, imo (and so is Red but, unfortunately for Liz, being pathologically secretive is still what soothes him). But when there is no sweet story available to make Liz feel good/safe or it’s no longer sustainable, that’s when she grows restless/angry and goes on the offensive until she feels safe again. She did this w/ Tim and then w/ Red, too (she literally locked both of them up to gain control), and both times we can eventually hear her say “I was scared of you but not anymore”, and both times she expresses love for a safe & sweet idea and not the full reality of these men who cannot live up to that idea, so the cycle starts up again (well, not w/ Tim as he is now dead but Red is still in the running.)

It doesn’t really matter if the answer she gets is incomplete or untrue. As long as she can make herself swallow it, as long as it brings a sense of security, she will go for it. Tim played along w/ this and that fantasy bubble collapsed every time. Red never did and never will indulge her w/ sweet delusions but by doing so, he also reduces their “feelgood” time together. He hides behind her father’s identity but for her, he breaks cover repeatedly, which to me further signals that he doesn’t wish to take on the roles associated w/ this identity in her life, which clearly clashes w/ her park bench claim of “this is who you will always be to me”. And given Liz’s track record w/ these self-soothing declarations, I think we will once again see her being contradicted.

Having heard of what’s happened btw her and Red, I think Dom decided to tailor the truth to give them a quick-fix. His story brought a sense of safety/certainty that Liz craves – sth Red refused to offer when he told her he had a secret and he had to keep it and refused to give her any embellished feel-good alternative. But now he is on edge bc some of his secrets have been spilled and it was done in a way that maximizes his discomfort (by making him look like a hero when he considers himself anything but, and, ultimately, by undermining his control over his own “narrative” around Liz). I believe this is part of the reason why he tells Dom that he likely made everything worse by telling her that story.

I hope next season they will be pushed to face more of the actual truth together – in all its ugly, messy glory – about what exactly happened and, more importantly, why. Because we still don’t know much of that. Dom only offered a taste but now Katarina is back to mix some sour to the sweet (I am hungry as I am typing this, can you tell ;)

The Stranger: well, we barely have anything to go on here but what we have is already intriguing, i.e. he grew up w/ Red, he seems to know Dom and Katarina personally, he seems to have some serious tradecraft background + connections, and he is among the v few who is trusted w/ Red’s secrets, so he is inner inner circle for sure (and he’s played by Brett Cullen, so… yes please). I still think the childhood pledge from the Rassvet story is an element of truth (it just fits our Red way too much + I see it reflected in “Cape May”), so I think these 3 (the Stranger, Red, and Kat) were likely childhood friends and they all picked similar career paths (or it was picked for them), so the Stranger is likely Russian, too.

Katarina continues to puzzle me to no end, I freely admit. And I am enjoying it (for now anyway). The finale offered some really interesting details here, imo, and I think Red’s 2nd meeting w/ the Stranger is the most revealing.

Red tasked his mysterious friend to locate Katarina bc Ressler’s dig for his real identity triggered an active search for her, too. The Stranger finds her and hands Red a picture saying, “It’s her. I’m telling you, Raymond. Paper trails. The passports. The travel. It’s her.” What we can immediately conclude here is that they didn’t even know what Kat looks like now since it’s not the picture the Stranger used to identify her but her signature methods/movements (knowledge of this implies a close working relationship in the past at the v least). And since he doesn’t hand Red the pic to ask him to confirm it’s her but to show him what she looks like now, we can also conclude that Red had no idea what she looks like now, either, which means that he hasn’t seen her for almost 3 decades and, apparently, he would have been fine w/ maintaining this arrangement if it hadn’t been for the security risk Ressler’s digging exposed them to.

This conclusion lines up nicely w/ two (imo very important) things established in previous episodes:

Red’s hallucinations at Cape May – he sees Kat the way she looked in 1991/92. His mind couldn’t conjure her present image bc his last memories of her are almost 30 years old. This in turn implies that the Hobson’s choice event took place around this time, as well, and that was the last time he saw her. It was the last time Dom saw her, too, if what he tells Liz in “Rassvet” – that it was 28 years ago – is true.

Katarina being dead – whatever happened to Kat, her own father considers her as good as dead now. So does Red and Dom blames him for this loss, going as far as saying he killed her.

Dom: These boxes are all I have left of my daughter.

Red: If Katarina were standing here instead of me, if it were she asking you, what would you tell her?Dom: It doesn’t matter because she is not here and she’s not asking.Red: But if you could tell her–Dom: I can’t!

Dom (to Liz): If my Katarina was still here, she would have let me know. [… her mother sent a letter hoping it] would find her alive. I picked it up because I knew it never would.”

Liz: You said the name Masha Rostova had been lost to history until the manhunt. Now it’s out there and someone’s looking for me. It’s my mother.Red: Lizzie, your mother is dead.

Her mother was dying, Kat never showed. Her daughter was being hunted and it was televised globally – Kat never showed. And clearly neither Dom nor Red expected her to as they both seem to consider Katarina dead despite being aware that she is still out there somewhere. Moreover, they both believe that Liz is better off thinking her mother is dead than knowing whatever the truth is (so it cannot be too good). Add to this Red’s latest remark to Liz – “your mother can’t hurt you” – and things truly get weird and interesting. Was Kat subjected to some special session w/ Krilov, too, that somehow “extinguished” parts of her, practically rendering her old self “gone”? This would be my current best guess (just a shot in the dark, really) and I know it’s crude sci-fi territory but this is TBL we’re talking about.

Whatever happened to Kat, Red was involved in it, and we have several remarks to back this up:

“All the money, all the time and effort, all the favors in the world cannot possibly equal what you took away from her.” (Red, 216)

“There was a woman and her child. Both were doomed. Both would die. I could either save one or lose both. I chose the child. It was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.” (Red, 319)

“I’m not sure Elizabeth will ever be ready to learn what you did to Katarina.” (Dembe, 422)

“[Katarina] is gone because of choices you made.” (Dom, 320)

In “Cape May”, Red hallucinated forgiveness/absolution from Katarina but we don’t know if this is how she actually felt. It could have been just Red trying to make himself feel better about doing what he felt to be necessary. Katarina in the present doesn’t seem to be in a forgiving mood, tho. She clearly expected to be contacted and she clearly considered Red’s presence a threat.

Red: If Moscow is looking for Katarina, if Agent Ressler’s inquiry has reignited their search…The Stranger: Then I know that could be bad.Red: I want this done before Masha’s daughter comes home.

So… your guess is as good as mine here, anon. All we have for now is a whole lot of vaguing and very little concrete info. I agree, it feels there’s sth more to this but there’s just so little to go on, it could be almost anything. What we can conclude is that the Stranger and Red (and Dom) have stayed away from Katarina for almost 30 years and if it hadn’t been for Moscow’s freshly reignited interest in finding her, this complete lack of contact would have remained. They didn’t even keep direct tabs on her since they had no idea what she looked like or where exactly she was or that she was a threat to Red (otherwise he would have approached her differently, imo).

They clearly do not want Kat to be found – the precise “why” remains to be seen. Red’s first words to her are a warning – “it’s not safe” –, and I think he truly went there to make sure she wouldn’t be scooped up. That was his immediate objective. If she were found, the consequences would reach Liz and Agnes, and heading that threat off is what ultimately motivates Red here (→ “I want this done before Masha’s daughter comes home.”). He didn’t look too enthusiastic to make contact. He didn’t want to, he had to.  And he didn’t tell Liz, which suggests that he wants this separation to remain, which suggests that something is up w/ Katarina that goes beyond the usual “you can’t be in her life bc it’s dangerous” reason. Dom stayed out of Liz’s life, too, for safety reasons yet Red told him to find Liz if anything happened to him. That doesn’t seem to be the case w/ Kat at all. Red himself stayed away from her yet he went to find Dom after Liz “death” and returned several times after that for advice or simply for his company.

The meeting w/ Kat wasn’t a social call and it did not feel like a romantic reunion, either. Red just looked sad and tense to me. And he clearly did not expect to be stabbed, so I don’t think that bit was part of any planned performance. Why he received that treatment is another good question. Kat has clearly come into the possession of some new info that compelled her to go on the offensive. It could be related to their past and that vague remark about what Red did to her OR it is about something more recent that Red wasn’t aware she was aware of?? Right now this moment feels like a convergence of two separate threads: Red came to warn her based on “undisclosed plot point A” and Katarina reacted to him based on “undisclosed plot point B”.

Oh, I love this song, anon. Antis can keep pointing at that awkward kiss (that he doesn’t even initiate, she keeps pushing her face into his) as evidence of some ~epic romance~ all they want, but once again they fail (and/or refuse) to see things in context and “Cape May” was already pretty clear wrt Red’s feelings, I agree. and the finale lines up w/ it, too, which is nice.

Red hasn’t seen her in 30 years yet he only decided to contact Kat bc her looming exposure threatened Liz and Agnes, and when he is shown a picture of her, this is his reaction:

Not exactly what I’d expect from a dude in love (even if it were unrequited). He had a way more emotional reaction to Dembe’s return and he only left like a week ago. This is more like how you react when someone shows you photographic evidence of Bigfoot chilling in their hot tub w/ a beer. And now we know Red knew all along that Katarina was alive, so him “designating” Liz as the woman he loves and confessing (several times both to her and others) that without her he has nothing to live for and saying her name as his last word speak volumes already. So if they wanted to sell Red/Kat, they have already undercut themselves on multiple fronts here by giving literally all the romance tropes to Red/Liz. But I don’t believe they are selling R/K, it’s just another smoke screen + Kat is part of a past both Red and Liz have to settle for the sake of their future. And settling the past is always easier and more fruitful to do w/ a living human than w/ a ghost or a hallucination.

Yeah, I think it’s there to signal that they (Dom and Kat included) go way back and were/are close, like you said. and to indicate shared Russian roots, perhaps. As I said above, I still think Red is Ilya and the Stranger is likely Russian, too, (and so is Dom), so using Liz’s original Russian name makes sense in this context of “Russian togetherness”.

and Red sometimes calls her Masha around Dom, too, bc that’s what Dom calls her bc that’s who she still is to Dom. And I think that’s why Red calls her Elizabeth bc that’s who she is to him, which is a nice little detail further emphasizing that his main/defining connection to her is the present one just as James keeps saying. Or as Red puts it on-screen

I can def see both sides here, anon, and more. Knowing what we know about Red, both are likely among the multiple reasons that underpin his behavior in this scene. Yes, on the one hand, he was pressed for time and wanted that Kat thing done as soon as possible. On the other, he was also kinda closed-off as if he were trying to hold back emotionally as well as physically, which I think flows from 2 main sources: 1) he feels uncomfortable w/ the labels Liz wants to push on him (ever since the pilot he’s been displaying a preference for “partner” and not “father” and he might be reaching his saturation point) and 2) he is still heartbroken and afraid to put himself out there again w/ Liz after three major betrayals in a row. He’s already had a sort of baseline distress due to how emotionally vulnerable he is to Liz at all times, so after this latest heartbreak I think he is just trying to take things slow, leaving space and time for Liz and himself to figure out a mutually acceptable way to fit together.

She’s been using his heart as a knife block to satisfy her own needs and I think it’s making him less and less willing to force himself into slots that feel uncomfortable to him. She just decided that him playing dad and grandad is what suits him but a week ago she thought life in prison suited him the best. I mean… that’s not how you relationship. At all. Relationships are ongoing negotiations where all involved need to consent to their “roles”. It’s not “I hate you now, so I will put you in prison” and then “I love you now, so stay for dinner”. After everything that’s happened, I am not surprised Red is pushing back a little here for the sake of (what’s left of) his own sanity. He is a deeply flawed, problematique human being but he is still a human being and not a toy.

Liz and Agnes are the most important to him and he would never ever force his preferences on them, I completely agree. But that doesn’t mean Liz should be allowed to force her preferences on him esp when those change so often and so drastically bc she clearly doesn’t know what she really wants from him yet. I think this realization is finally truly dawning on this guilt-ridden, lovesick idiot and that’s part of what we see in this scene, esp in that “I don’t wanna intrude” comment that really does feel like a pointed retreat from her abrupt park bench declaration. But of course there is no negotiation w/o talking and that’s what Liz wanted to do before Red shut her down, so…

bottom line (that’s been the same for 6 years): these 2 need to talk.

[cockbiteproductions]

you know i'm coming in with the request for Prime Numbers

i have to google if 1 is a prime number or not Every Single Time i think about prime numbers. it is not. maybe i will remember that one day.

this ended up being a bit long so i’ll put it under a readmore.

2: Favorite book?

sorry but i don’t know how to read....... again.... no favorite book. very sorry but all i read is fic. but the most recent book i read was never let me go by kazuo ishiguro which i enjoyed. english class got me reading books man. i’ve read like 5 of these fuckers this semester. one of my favorite fanfics ever is atlas by distractedkat i guess. and swinging pendulum by cywscross but that one is incomplete. i read ghettoside a true story of murder in 11th grade and liked that a lot. again, not a favorite. just a book i enjoyed.

3: Favorite fictional character?

just one? just one??? if it’s just One it’s ahsoka tano...... she man..... just She. close runner up is jared kleinman though tbh. he’s really shot up in the rankings. very different characters but i love them both very much. well the Similarities are the snark / sarcasm. ahsoka is like. role model material. and wife material. and like. unabashedly badass and strong through hardship and brave and just. cool as hell. child me growing up watching tcw was like oh my god i want to be her. jared is more like. oh god i relate to this disaster man. 

5: What’s your favorite fictional ship? (Canon or otherwise)

again..... just one? i know ship means like. romantic relationship. but fuck that. my favorite relationship is the weird brother/sister father/daughter relationship anakin skywalker and ahsoka tano have going on. man. just. Them. if i had to pick romantic relationship uh i guess currently it’s evan hansen and jared kleinman. (it’s the tragedy. i’m a fan of unhappy endings ok... the only thing i like more than an unhappy ending is a banger fix it fic. get the Ouch of the unhappy ending in comparison to the happy ending. + time travel so an in canon character Knows about the unhappy ending and gets to experience the good one? good shit.... im on a tangent.)

7: List 3 negative traits you have

- lazy. i do nothing every day all day......

- coward. I Be Scared.

- clingy. still thinking about that time an ex friend said i was too annoying bc i talked to them too much. rip. thanks for being my source of anxiety whenever i think i’m talking to people too much now.

11: How do you decide when it’s time to cut someone out of your life for good?

i just generally lose contact with people. i can only recall ever making a conscious decision to cut someone out of my life a few times ever. once was winter/spring of last year when a friend of mine was a real ass to me. but a lot of the time i intentionally distance myself because of [do my friends hate me or do i just need to go to sleep] and i didn’t go to sleep.

13: What are your favorite lyrics currently?

“cemeteries never do provide the answers of the questions to inside” from velociraptor by joe iconis

“we find the solution to escape our fate. it lies in the equal distribution of our weight.” from last on land by joe iconis.

“i tried to give her something real but all she wanted was a show. and i’m not much of a jester, seems i’m more like a clown. i try, everything and anything to paint my face and blow up a balloon but there was no air left to give. it left me long ago.” from don’t love her anymore by maria wirries.

“you lead with your heart and i’ll lead with my heart (let’s talk it out) and we’ll talk it out, let’s talk it out.” from talk it out by asia kate dillon.

“and it ain’t just about the blood. shout out to the families that’s families cause of love.” from family by roman banks.

17: If you could make a wish, what would you wish for if you knew it would come true?

what a question........ i’d like a donut right now. i have donuts and they’re in the kitchen but i am sitting on the couch and don’t feel like moving. so a donut in my hand right now. that’d be nice. or i’d wish for this couch to be more comfy. oh wait. i’d like to wish for pandemic over.

19: How do you handle heartbreak? Is it something that’s easy for you to get over, or something you struggle with?

don’t have to deal with heartbreak if you never heart broken in the first place [rollsafe.jpg]. uh but for real, really badly. i just don’t deal with it for months at a time and then end up crying for like a solid 2-3 hours straight when i finally think about it a bit too much. and then repeat. and then eventually i get over it. it works pretty well except for the times where i am crying for 2-3 hrs at a time.

27: What helps you realize that you have a crush on someone?

misread this question as “what helps you when you realize you have a crush on someone” and was quite confused for a moment. uh i would like to think i am pretty self aware, so i realize it pretty quickly. but it basically boils down to I Actively Look Forward to talking to them. which also applies to like friends though. idk man i crush on a lot of people for like 10 minutes and then get over it just as quickly. i guess the difference between the 10 minute crushes and the people who fuck me up is like. my time investment in this person. how often i spend thinking about them when i am not interacting with them + how much i interact with them. oH no i realized after typing all this that 3*9 is 27 oops. oh well you get an extra answer.

29: Do you think zodiac signs can influence someone’s personality to an extent?

only if they let it. if the person thinks its important and spends a fair amount of time learning about it then they’ll probably internalize some of it. i mean it’s like that thing about names influencing the kind of person people become except names are things everyone pays attention to and is actually relevant.

31: What does ‘self care’ look like for you?

sleeping in or taking a nap. which i do. a lot. and should do now. it’s 1:30 am. i just love being unconscious. no thoughts head empty time. temporary death. no dealing with anything. blanket soft.

37: Have you ever been surprised by someone staying in your life?

no not really. i have to have expectations that are differed from to be surprised. my lack of like. awareness about my place in people’s lives means i don’t really expect people to stick around or plan for that. which sounds sad but it’s just not something i really think about. really it’s that expectation bit. i don’t think about it so i don’t have any expectations so i’m not surprised.

41: How do you show you care?

caring about people is for losers. insert sunglasses face emoji. uh generally just telling someone about [something that reminded me of them] or sending someone something i think they’d appreciate like a song or meme or whatever.

43: Which of the seven deadly sins do you feel represents you the most?

sloth. im a lazy fucker. if i could not do anything forever i might. or maybe gluttony but not for food. for like. things that make me happy. overindulgence in media when i should be doing other things. i have no self control. see below.

47: What are you passionate about?

very generally, fiction. the amount of time i invest in thinking about or consuming [fiction, fan generated or otherwise] is honestly ridiculous. stories are just cool man. escapism babey!