#i feel useless and stupid
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this week feels like its been 5 years and jesus fucking christ
#im about to. i dint know what im about to do but my god. do i feel like doing something#i hate college now ive decided. dont take so many writing only classes haha. ha. ha.#i hate papers. i nevrr finished the lne i was supposed to do last night.#i feel useless and stupid#i just wanna [slides finger over throat and clicks tongue] ya know.#real bad#every day i get increasingly more likely to panic text my mom hey mom cant do this anymore love you or some shit#i dont! it would end bad! very bad! but good lord.#i think im supposed to say something if my new meds make me feel more inclined to gi through the motions instead of ideation but#i cant keep figuring out meds. so im just gonna wait until it settles in my system alright? :)
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No one understands guilt better than a girl with emotionally immature parents
#personal#actually bpd#bpd#bpd vent#actually borderline#bpd thoughts#vent#actually traumatized#actually cptsd#emotionally immature parents#like my dad just stole my moms phone AGAIN to text me some BULLSHIT#as he always does. and I was mean because wtf#and now I feel bad cause he's trying to be nice even though 6 seconds ago he called me a spoiled asshole#I told him that if we never speak again he can look at the last chat we had where he basically called me a useless bitch#soooooooo 🤦♀️ unfortunately.....he never learns. I told him he should have never called me a stupid bitch when i was 5 yrs old#because that STUCK with me. so hard. and his response was well maybe you were being one#excuse ME?
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I feel like I was set up from the moment I was born. I was made to fail. I have nothing. Nothing good about me. No brains and not good looking and incredibly bad luck. I hate myself. Everything about me is worthless. I am worthless.
#i hate everything#tired#emotional#dysfunctionality#tw selfhate#Selfhate#Self hate#worthless#stupid#i'm stupid#ugly#not worth it#useless#I'm so worthless#I'm not worth anything#i don't want to feel like this anymore#i don't want to be here#i want to go away#i wish i was joking#i wish i was pretty#i wish i was dead#i want to disappear#why was i born#why am i here#why am i like this#why am i alive#why am i the way that i am#i will survive#I'm barely here
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Y'know I kind of feel like when Megatron killed Tarn and said 'I want you to spend your final moments thinking of this: that everything you've done has been for nothing' he was kind of self-projecting onto Tarn? Mainly because at Megatron's statue, M and T had a conversation where Tarn explicitly asked if all the Decepticons in service to Megatron died for nothing, if HE did everything he did for nothing. (And I think M even gave an answer along the lines of 'idk I think we basically did'). And then after Megatron killed the DJD and Rodimus teleported in to rescue him, there was that silent moment where Megatron just stared at Rodimus not moving at all before he finally took his hand at the last moment.
It honestly feels to me like for a while, Megatron fully intended to murder-suicide himself. Murder the DJD, his monsters and his creation, and then take himself out alongside them, because he is also a monster. Because he also feels that everything he's ever done has been for nothing.
Goddamn it's no wonder I liked that scene so much LMAO, as someone who thinks villain Megatron > Autobot Megatron, literally one of his key traits is that Megatron basically took his pain/trauma/worldview and used it to lash out at the universe and try to subjugate it to his vision. So the fact that he took his own pain and brutally murdered the DJD while telling them the very same thing that puts him through so much agony is so very deliciously ironic. And a return, however brief, to the Megatron characterization that I know and love.
#squiggposting#i also feel like it turns his asshole behavior towards tarn into something more understandable#like... he is not just condemning tarn and co for being evil useless bastards#as if he has the moral high ground. no. megatron also thinks his whole life was wasted#for a moment he fully intended to kill all of the DJD and then himself. a circle of monsters#who all exist for no good reason and did horrible things for no good reason#only rodimus coming in is what saved megatron both literally and in a spiritual sense#from believing he deserved to just die in the same hellish pit he killed his creations in#THIS IS LIKE SOME FUCKING METAL ASS BIBLICAL SHIT I'M TELLING YOU#tbh if megatron had actually died in there with tarn and the djd i wouldve considered that#a more satisfying end to his story than what we got#particularly bc i think the functionist universe is stupid and LL 25 felt like. contrived#in how it dealt with Megatron's fate#anyways the TLDR is that megatron was an asshole to tarn as if he didnt make him how he was#but like during that one moment i think he was in a pit of self loathing#and he wanted to drag the djd. tarn in particular. along with him for ruining his happiness#i'm sorry but that's who megatron is#if your megatron isn't an intensely angry/damaged person who drags ppl down with him#bc of his own projection and self loathing then like. who is he#enough soft grandpa mtmte megatron i love violent unresolvable self hatred and lashing out megs
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Alright I feel like my problem with the Eustace Winner name (Sebastian my boy I'm so sorry) is that he's a really major character with depth and development.
From the start AA has had really stupid pun names and I loved them. April May, Redd White? I thought those were the best when I was playing ace attorney for the first time.
But characters who were actually important -- Phoenix, Maya, Edgeworth, von Karma, I could be wrong but their names aren't as stupid of puns as Redd White or my beloved Detective Detective Detective (love you gumshoe). I mean, Wright is literally just a play on right, but it's not a phrase, like I feel Eustace Winner (Useless Winner?) Is supposed to be. And Phoenix is a reference to his nature, how he "rises from the ashes", it's about his general overall character and doesn't feel like a mean joke. To me, naming Sebastian Eustace Winner is like if Edgeworth was named Meenin Evil so you know he's a bad guy when you meet him.
Poor Sebastian though, he has a LOT that happens (I never finished aai2 actually but I want to give him a hug and a mug of hot chocolate), hes a very important character, and it feels like they gave him a side character name? When he has a lot more importance to the story than just one case
#ace attorney#ace attorney investigations#sebastian debeste#sorry. not tagging him as eustace winner. it may be silly but this is a hill i will die on#I also feel like the name doesnt really understand the character well?#it feels like its a joke about “he thinks hes so great when actually he's a loser but he refuses to acknowledge it”#which is how hes characterized at first#but then later it turns out he struggles with his self esteem and self worth. a lot#so to me it feels like we're pointing at the kid who feels so absolutely dumb and useless#and going LOOK HES SO STUPID. HE THINKS HES SO GOOD#i mean this all fairly light hearted by the way. if you love the name Eustace Winner then by all means play the game and enjoy it
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Do I find Damian incredible annoying? Yes Will I fight every single motherfucker who resumes his entire character to violent and 'bad'? Also Yes.
#I don't know how many times I'm going to repeat myself but this is a goddamn child soldier getting repeatedly traumatize#in a family that has so many chaos that he always feels the need to prove himself in the terms he was taught#i didn't give a fuck what Damian does thats the responsibility of his father until he actually becomes responsible to his actions#and dc comics literally bought him out of nowhere just to shit on him and then repeatedly try to get rid of him for no fucking reason#Damian goin off as a way of getting Batman emotional damage it's actually very stupid dc you tried the same shit with jason in this last#ten years and not even then anybody liked#few things makes me more unreasonable piss off than batman letting his kids get away from him and then act like they don't need him#he did te same shit with dick but at least dick had the titans#this whole shit with Damian is making me read with my eyes while my hands are dialing the cps#Batman come get your fucking children your useless middle age man#bruce hate hours#damian wayne#damian al ghul#damian al ghul wayne
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something i was thinking about at work is jacks insecurity about being a burden to the Winchesters + Cas and how much that fits into the autistic lens of his character. obviously it starts with the fact that Sam and Dean were essentially forced into taking care of him at first because of the circumstances surrounding. Literally everything. but it goes beyond that all the way to jack just being what he is and that being inherently dangerous.
for one thing, the bunker (Jack’s only beloved home ever)
initially, the only reason sam and dean agreed to take Jack back to the bunker at all was to safeguard the public from his then-uncontrolled powers, and in last holiday mrs butters also suggests that they’re only keeping him there so he can’t destroy anyone else like he did mary (which jack doesn’t even fight against so.. maybe he’s fine with it being that way?)
then when you come to jacks powers themselves:
they are fundamentally [part of] what makes him different. they’re part of what makes jack dangerous. he can’t have public meltdowns or show extreme anger (or even any frustration, really) without there being consequences — the consequences of someone else getting hurt-or-worse by him, and him being perceived more negatively & fearfully each time it happens. those consequences are just added to the burden jack feels he brings to his family, which breeds guilt and frustration in jack for how he feels he’s affecting them and disappointing their expectations.
this in turn is why jack is so abrasive whenever the guys try to comfort or reassure him. it’s rejection sensitive dysphoria with a little more C4 to it, basically. and speaking from my own experiences, when you’re constantly in a state of low self image or rejection sensitivity, it creates a cycle of eggshell walking and people pleasing—putting all of your focus and energy into managing the feelings of others because you assume the slightest slip-up will make them upset or disappointed or even hate you.
you react to the idea of being rejected before it even happens, and even if it doesn’t happen, because at the core of it all you already perceive yourself in a rejective way.
and that’s exactly what happened between jack and mary after he tortured Nick.
after he’s done, jack turns to mary, ‘flushed with pride’ and grinning about what he did. it was cathartic and sickeningly enjoyable to do. but when he sees the horror on her face as she just says “what did you do?” his pride ‘curdles to shame.’ he’s already sensing rejection for what he’s done, and tries to justify it to mary, and somewhat console her; Nick was a killer who deserved it, and Sam and Dean would’ve been grateful for his death. if Mary thinks something is wrong with him for what he did then she’s the one who’s wrong, actually.
mary (honestly god bless her for still being sympathetic & patient with jack after that) just gently tries to tell him: “something’s wrong. it’s not your fault. you just need help and we’ll help you because you’re family and we love you,” but all jack hears is “something is wrong with you and it scares me. YOU scare me. I’m going to tell the others that something is wrong with you and they’ll be scared of you, too.” **
I don’t think i need to explain in-depth how jack loves his family a very normal and healthy amount, but suffice it to say that he’s established to have a deep fear of, and inability/unwillingness to accept, losing them. he can’t think about it because he hates thinking about it. he’d do anything for them (like self sacrifice or slowly burning a man alive) and to be with them again (like necromancy and unleashing biblical plagues upon nonbelievers).
so when jack perceives that the Winchesters would reject/hate/fear him because of what he did to nick—because there’s something wrong with him—he starts spiraling right there, and he can’t accept that Mary still loves him and wants to help him; he doesn’t even think he can be helped. he can’t deal with any of the rejections he’s perceiving and just wants to be left alone…..
I was going to try and reroute this post back to the whole burden thing, but it’s 3am and I’m losing my train of thought. TLDR i just think it’s very autistic for jacks nature to be narratively framed as both a burden and a threat and also something that just wants to be loved for what it is even though it knows it’s difficult ……. yeagj
**additionally i think he does the same when Rowena refuses to help but I’m getting too sleepy to write that in
Goodnight everypony (<__>)
#cal.txt#while you were imagining him as a stupid drooly nuclear family mascot i studied the twink#spn#supernatural#jack kline#mary winchester#tfw2.0#spn 14x17#autistic jack kline#autistic representation#autistic coded character#autism coded#rsd#there are two wolves inside you one wants to be loved more than your lungs want to breathe#and the other tells you that you are a burdensome evil beast who can’t possibly deserve it#maybe there’s a third wolf in there somewhere who tells you to start getting on the combat grind to lessen your feelings of uselessness#the fourth wolf in there is me and I’m getting him so pregnant he looks stupid#sorry#I can’t be trusted past 1am#jack meta#spn analysis
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i am being so brave trying so hard to hold back writing a rant about that 'minimizing narrative noise' comment on totk sage concept art bc its actively flying around in my head like the worlds most annoying fly
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#i have .... thigns to say...............#i need to wait until i get a look at the entire book#and cant go on rants on single comments#then again .... what else is in there .................#i am dreading this thing#like id rather know that there was trouble during development than having a dozen of shitty comments obviously trying to cover up-#-for something- this CANNOT be true#yes narrative noise is a thing that exists- but in THIS game????????????????????????????????????????????????????????#like you basically cut down the already boring plot into its bare essentials that isnt executed well either#and then add confusion and menaingless detailes like the sage helmets “”connecting“” the sonau to the shiekah#when rly it just makes it more confusing bc the hsiekah a prectically gone- the fuck kind of conenction is there#like THAT is what id call narrative noise- weird details that make no sense and arent important#also you cant make a character the equivilant of a blank box and then say 'we wanted them to feel powerful and scary' or sth#BC YOUD NEED TO MAKE THE CHARACTER ANYTHIGN -BUT- A BLANK BOX TO HAVE THEM BE INTIMIDATING#ALSO all the ancient stupid sages do is stand around repeating words like they are puppets- you dont see them fight ever#“intimitadtign” my ASS the useless little knife fake zelda throws at sonia from half a mile away and prob wouldnt even have gotten through-#-her hair is more intimidating than any of the blank box mc sages#youd think they learned their lesson when they made the botw champions DLC bc it fleshed their characters out more and added better-#-shrines BUT NO apparently that was a big mistake huh#maybe thats why every single character is reduced to one boring stereotype or a blank box of nothing in totk#having zelda be anything else but a swooing little damsel waiting for her prince was narrative noise needing to be removed HUH#writing team all fired or what- literally WHAT was going on in there
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i think its some of damiens responsiblity to think what kinda relationship he cultivaded with his fans. and why is centering his need for explaning, defending and further protecting his self/image is his knee jerk reaction. unless you do those things a social media break is just another way of image management. plus it wont feel better when you come back and you are still centering your image which causes you too act defensive/childish. you cant support things thru acts of fear and nervousness and not expact them to crumble! i know people joked abour his virtue signalling in the past, and they are jokes, but its a curious thing people notice that around him enough to point that out. i hope he can actually look into that part of himself with a more honest critical lense.also these twitch stream where he wants this magicaly ''positive'' enviroment where people can ''escape'' is just unrealistic at best. this is a livestream where people rush on each other to talk to you. its by nature feeding into these things im afraidi positivity is not the warm blanket you think it is, its more of a trap lol
#some thoughts#blocking fans in general is a very emotional but stupid move lol(to me) as a somewhat public figure he must understand that block feature i#practically useless to him other than get his frustration out maybe for a minute? then what?#it only creates a snowball effect.#idk its feels counterproductive altho i can still understand where the frustration is coming from#stan twitter can be nasty. getting cussed by 17 year old with no emotional regulation and too much time lol#anyways this is absolutely not about him having the perfect response/apology.. that'll happen and idc about pr managing his reactions lol#also personally i dont find the joke much of a big deal. its whatever. lazy lowblow at worst#he just needs to be realistic about his internet presence and how it interacts with his defensive/nervous personality#and in grand scheme of things the way he interacts with ''activism''.. its not for him/about him.#at the end this reaction is a part of him! he can do what he will with that#hope he has people around him that can be critical about his intentions/reactions without it being taken as a personal attack
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two wrongs WILL make a right! ive got another lease on life, and im using it well, who cares if this is all fucked up cause we're all GOING TO HELL! IM JUST WILLIAM WHO SHOULD BE DEAD, HAD TO FOLLOW THE THREAD, thought he was just chillin! now he is a villain! HES ALWAYS SUCH A BUMMER, HE WANTS TO TRUST HIS BROTHER WILLIAM IN A HALLWAY BY HIMSEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi prime defenders#jrwi pd spoilers#william wisp#RRAAHHHHGH I KNOW THEIR LIL PARODY OF MICHEAL IN A BATHROOM OR WHATEV WAS SLIGHTLY COMEDIC. LIKE WIWI IN A HALLWAY#HAHAAA HIS NAME IS WIWI ISNT THAT FUNNY. ISNT THAT FUCKIN FUNNY. AND YYYEEEEEEEEEEETTTTT!!!#WILLIAM IS SO FUCKIN SAD DUDE... ESPECIALLY DURING THE GRAYSCALE ARC. HE REALLY THINKS HES BETTER OFF DEAD.#HIS FIRST DEATH WAS AN ACCIDENT! AND THEN HE WAS SADDLED WITH ALL SORTS OF POWERS AND RESPONSIBILITY HE DIDNT FUCKIN WAANT#AND IT TURNS OUT HES STILL DEAD! HIS BODY IS ROTTING AND FALLING APART AS WE SPEAK!! THATS SO FUCKING SCARY!!!#BUT THEN. OOOHH BUT THEN HIS WONDERFUL FRIEND DAKOTA TELLS HIM. ILL GIVE YOU MY HEART SO YOU CAN LIVE AGAIN. AND IT WORKS!!!#WILLIAM ACCEPTS LIFE AND REJECTS THE WISP POWERS AND FEELS SO SO THANKFUL TO HIS WONDERFUL BEST FRIEND DAKOTA.#A DEBT TO REPAY EVEN IF DAKOTA WILL NEVER CASH IN ON IT. HES JUST A PERFECT HERO LIKE THAT.. BUT WILLIAM.. OHH ROTTING LIL WILLIAM..#EVEN WITH NEW BLOOD RUNNING THROUGH HIM HES STILL DEAD INSIDE. HES STILL USELESS. POWERLESS. SELFISH AND IMPULSIVE AND STUPID AND JUST.#NOT A HERO. WHICH IS FINE! IF ONLY HE WAS A GOOD ENOUGH PERSON TO RETURN THE FAVOR TO DAKOTA THOUGH. BUT HES NOT. HE DOESNT THINK SO.#WILIAM REALLY BELIEVES THAT HE IS FORSAKING EVERY GIFT OF LIFE HE HAS BEEN GIVEN. HE THINKS HE SHOULD BE DEAD BUT HES TOO SCARED TO DIE#JUST FAR TOO SCARED.. OF EVERYTHING.... WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT BRINGS US HERE. I GUESS THE GOOD NEWS IS THEYLL FORGET.#HE JUST WANTED TO TRUST HIS BROTHER. HE WANTED TO HAVE A BROTHER AND FIX THE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM AND HONESTLY?#I THINK I WOULD DO THE SAME THING IN HIS SITUATION. MAYBE USE MY WORDS BETTER BUT YKNOW. THATS HIS BROTHER!!!#OKAy okay william makes me sooo EMOTIONAL but now ill mention the ART#THIS WAS Aboutthe time i actually figured out how to draw the white streak in williams hair. IT PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH ORIGINALLY but imPROU#AND THE SHARP SPIRALS!! I LOVE THE SHARP SPIRALS. I LOVE DRAWING HIS HAIR JUST IN GENERAL... I JUS LOVE DRAWIN WIWI...#OHH And xavior... poor xavior... theyre still looking for cantrip arent they? they have no idea where she is..and DAVID YOU BIIITCH#david bell is such a good fucking antagonist. he COMPLETELY believes himself to be in the right and bizly plays him SO WELLL!!#BECAUSE HES SMART!! AND SMART PEOPLE CAN LOGIC THEIR WAY THROUGH ANYTHING! THATS WHY SMART PPL FALL INTO CULTS TOO!#BC A SMART PERSON CAN FIND A GOOD WAY TO JUSTIFY ALMOST ANYTHING TO THEMSELF. DAVID IS SMART AND THATS SCAARRYYYY...#IM So excited to see the consequences of williams actions carry on into season 3. i hope they contact allen and exavior and do. idk. someth
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"this thing is so obviously aimed for sad teenage girls-" god forbid teenage girls have interests oh my god please shut the fuck up
#luc posts#it also feels so derogatory? like oh no its aimed for teenage girls so therefore it's terrible#actually i'll listen to my sad teenage girl music as much as i fucking want please stop talking you look sooo stupid#this idea that anything teenage girls are interested in is inherently boring and useless is the most irritating thing ever#it makes me want to tear my hair out
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#sorry ignore this it’s post-election venting.#like just completely unproductive doomerism I need to get off my chest#ok real talk I have been feeling so hopeless and dead and depressed since the election.#I hate this country and I don’t think it can be fixed. not meaningfully in my lifetime.#I think I need to leave this place but im not financially able and im a transmasc person in a red state#with unsupportive parents.#I’ve given up hope on the idea that ‘ppl here are generally good and just misled into voting for the worse of the 2 evils’ and know just#feel these people are subhumanly stupid. beyond saving. no hope. they are voids. cesspits. empty headed useless ontologically evil braindead#soulless husks. it is useless to try to reason with them or inform them or convince them of anything. they are lost causes. it’s better#to leave this country while they rot in the dying empire They chose to make this bad.#they Want this. they Want fascism. they don’t care about other ppl#they are individualism poisoned Americans with no interest in a better future.#I hate them. I hate Americans. I hate my family. I hate my community.#none of it is worth fighting for anymore. they are lost causes.#the best course of action is to leave. but I can’t so im stuck with these fucking useless morons#so until then I have to rot with them. im stuck in this fucking tar pit of a country#with these fucking tar pits of ppl#illiterate fucking rednecks and functional alcoholic suburbanites. the fucking moldy white bread of humanity#I hope we all die. we deserve this.#useless fucking dnc allergic to winning.#barely coherent braindead voterbase. useless fucking male loneliness truther incels#the world would be better off if this country was fucking nuked off the map.#sorry silly fandom mutuals for being a whiny american. but things r materially going 2 get so much worse for me and my friends next year#project 2025 is terrifying and trump wants to put tariffs on everything which is going to cause prices of everything 2 skyrocket even more#and just knowing ppl are reveling in the ‘liberal tears’ aka ppl being upset that their lives r about 2 get worse makes my skin crawl#and makes me nauseous. these ppl are not human#they don’t care about Palestine they don’t care about Ukraine they don’t care about Sudan#and they don’t care about trans ppl gay ppl any racial minorities#some of them Are racial minorities and want 2 separate themselves from the ‘bad ones’#im just fucking disgusted by the ppl here voting against their own interests bc they r fucking dumb and misinformed.
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it's 4:40 am and I'm feeling like shit. trying to convince myself it's just because it's really late and I'm tired and should just sleep, but. I still feel like shit.
so I want to buy something. I want to feel like there's something I can do, something I can control, and buying something is so easy. plus I'll know I'll get a nice thing in the mail.
but we're working on this, so I can't order anything now (literally had to ask my husband to change my ebay password for me because I could not stop myself from buying things there), and it's making my brain so very very upset. it's the nice, easy, comfy thing that I can always do no matter how bad I'm feeling mentally or physically, and now I can't, and it feels very bad. :(
#.. which just makes it more important that I need to work on it#I need to get a job. then we could afford me being absolutely fucking stupid about this.#but rn I don't have one yet and I am so very scared of trying to find onr so no I can't buy useless shit that I don't need#life is too fucking hard someone please just murder me I can't do this#no it's fine it's fine it's always fine. if I can just sleep it'll be better tomorrow#then I'll sleep all day again and wake up and feel like shit because I wasted yet another day and#oh well.#life goes on. and on. and on.#I'm so tired#personal
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living in a red town in a blue state and using a ballot drop box to return my ballot means obsessively checking the status of my ballot until it's been received and counted.
#especially after someone torched ballot drop boxes in oregon and washington#the only reason i feel kinda safe using it#is its right by the police station#like the useless cops are right there#people can't be THAT stupid to torch it
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My brain is doing stuff. It's been a while, but it's all very familiar. Doesn't really help, doesn't make me any better at dealing.
I hate my brain when it's like this.
#about solrosan#and I can't write#it feels overwhelming and stupid#which makes me feel useless#and very bored
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haikaveh... save me haikaveh...
i KNOW it's been talked about to death but. the haikaveh research project. it literally haunts my mind. i cannot get over the implications. alhaitham going through his school life as someone that most people dont even really know about because he keeps to himself and doesn't socialize, with kaveh being the one exception to that, finding his way into his life as his Best Friend, and then leading to alhaithams one and only time he participated in a research topic. his bio says he only ever did ONE joint project!!! one!!! the one with kaveh his best friend and i think also his only friend at the time!!!! and then it ended in not only the project falling apart but also alhaithams only friendship. kavehs best friendship. they were each others closest person. they had no family around - alhaithams parents having died when he was young and his grandmother dying before he joined the akademiya, and kaveh's dad dying when he was young and his mom having moved to fontaine. like even if you dont look at it through a romantic lens it's still undeniable how important they were [and are] to each other..........
i'm getting off track but my point is very specifically for alhaitham, the one time he got close to someone, made a friend, even agreed to join one(1) group project ever, it ended in disaster. it led him into a fight so bad that his one and only friend said he regretted that friendship!!!! it was so bad alhaitham left the project and he and kaveh didnt speak for ages until they just happened to run into each other again at the tavern!!!!! like obviously it has to be incredibly awful for both of them but i just think how this probably had alhaitham in the cynical mindset that friendships and collaborations like that might just never work out for him because the one time he let someone into his life, it blew up on him and he was all alone again. even though alhaitham never seems to care much if people dont like him, that clearly cant still apply to someone he was exceptionally close to. like if he didnt care he woudlnt have been the one to take his name off the project and mutually not speak to kaveh...... kavehs words are the ones that hit the most significantly to alhaitham.......... kaveh is said/implied to have had at least some other friends while at school / people knew who he was, but not so much alhaitham. people didnt know him and the ones that did just knew he didnt socialize/he was not easy to get along with. he only had kaveh and then, for a while, he lost him too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#the number of times i have reread alhaitham character story 4 and kaveh character story 5. like. dont look at me. kfjsdklfh#on one hand im tempted to think alhaitham would have a fully cynical view of friendship#and be like USELESS NEVER AMOUNTS TO ANYTHING but. i kinda dont think he works like that#well i dont think he would think that either way now but#even in times of friendship breaking up w/kaveh like#alhaitham is very FACTS AND LOGIC and i feel like he would still like#idk. understand the objective value of human companionship. whether or not he feels it works for him#HOWEVER. jkdlhfsd he is also the one who in his other lore bits was like 'grandmother the other children are boring at school'#AT AGE SEVEN god he was probably such an unintentionally funny child. i love u alhaitham u are so neurodivergently coded#so idk i feel like he would have a period where hes like okay. i was alone before and clearly that was the right call bc my 1 friend is gon#even if he does well alone i cant even imagine like. kaveh mustve been a huge impact and difference in alhaithams life#humans need SOME level of socialization!! and kaveh was his.... aughhh god they literally also read as having a bad breakup!!!!!#queer coded TO ME!!!!!! friends to rivals/friends to lovers to enemies to it's complicated..................#but again even if u dont think of it in a romantic sense like it's still so much. they were and are so significant to each other.#their bond is so complex and oughghdhgh they make me go bonkers#i do not think of any other 2 genshin characters so intensely as i do them .what have they done to me. what the fuck.#im alone in my stupid little genshin pit endlessly babbling about these motherfuckers!!!!!!!#and i love them. also i like that one scene in i think cynos 2nd character quest where al and kav r in the library or w/e#and kavehs like wtf no way u dont small talk w/coworkers. and alhaithams like no i just happen 2 hear people but i do not engage#hes so real he likes to eavesdrop but he does NOT want to get involved!!!!!!!!!!!!#also that same scene where kaveh goes 'WTF looking thru these will take FOREVER!!!!' alhaitham: 'ill manage'#kaveh: >:( FINE ILL HELP YOU!!!! like ok he did not ask. silly.#and alhaitham teasing him right after all that. 'teach me to pretend u werent listening' '...' '...' '...' '...HEY STOP IGNORING ME' 'see.'#theyre so goofy. kaveh u walked right into that one. ily.#i love when i talk about characters and it's literally just me going 'wow remember when character x said this. remember when he did that.'#i just love repeating scenes and dialogue and lore over and over and over and offering nothing new to say about it JKFLDSHKLFH#sorry i love them SO much and im bad at drawing and bad at fanfic so i just have to ramble in text posts forever#i do have. a fanfic outlined for them. i am just scared to write it#nothing crazy deep or whatever but yknow. im in a bit of a Funk Right Now dont worry about it#i need a constant stream of alhaitham and kaveh content constantly injected directly into my brain.
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