#i feel this on such a visceral and literally painful level

[caffeineheroes]

Spring Allergies (Colorized)

Jane Koluga on Instagram

[crab-people-overlord]

Re: Post-COVID Stan and his Job, a Kind-Of Defense:

Soooo I know a lot of folks aren’t too happy about the fixed/final timeline’s Stan’s future job in the Space Force, and I get it. But I’d like to argue that it isn’t as far off base for his character as many folks give credit for. I’m not saying it’s the perfect job for him, but it’s not completely off-base, and I really do think the creators gave careful consideration to his job here.

Before I explain, first let me say that I do understand some of the frustrations and wish they would do some type of episode about the Space Force with Stan as a kid to establish his interest in it, or at the very least in a government job. It’s not like Stan hasn’t been to space before or had Space themed episodes (pinewood derby being a very underrated episode), but the Space Force is such a ridiculous concept that it could be a funny episode and parody and could help the ending of Post-Covid feel more well-rounded. They could have an episode where Stan has to get rid of the Space Jail his dad had created and dealing with the Space Cops or some shit like that.

I’ve seen some discourse asking why Stan couldn’t have been a musician or a vet due to his love of animals. To answer that - I think it’s very realistic that Stan didn’t end up a musician. I’m just going to leave it at that. Most people don’t make it in the music industry, and I really don’t think Stan would take it that seriously as an adult to try to navigate that. He’s not that naturally passionate. I think he’d more likely keep it as a hobby. It’s just the reality of things (though I think a fic in that direction would be valid and interesting. Lmk any fic recs for that).

As far as being a vet goes - look, I love animal lover Stan, but let’s think this through logically. He loves animals, and it’s adorable. But that’s exactly why he would HATE being a vet. It’s canon that Stan doesn’t do well with blood, and it’s canon that Stan does not do well with animals being in pain. Being a vet literally combines those two things together that Stan viscerally hates. He’d love being able to be around animals, sure, but he would hate having to perform surgeries/see animals suffer. It would deepen his depression, and he would be too queasy to handle it according to canon. Again, it’s one thing to see this in a fic and I think that would be cute. But in a canon episode? That would make no sense and would be contradictory to several established character points.

So if being a vet or a musician are off the table, where does that leave us? What are some of Stan’s strengths, or some things we know about him that would translate well into the professional field?

Well, we know he loves board games (this is not a one-off from an episode, there are SO many instances of Stan and his complicated board games, whether they being showcased in the background of his bedroom, or him playing them)- and these are not surface-level board games like Settlers of Catan (which I can totally see him looking down on as a ‘way too easy and therefore boring game’). We’re talking about games that take grown adults years to master, let alone learn the complex rules. Not sure how many of you have delved into these types of games he likes, but some of those games are almost like learning a whole new language, and the amount of strategizing you do in the types of games he likes is very high (and we know that Stan can strategize/think quickly on his feet well).

His skills in board games translate into how he navigates the world pretty well. We also know that he shows high critical thinking skills (sometimes to the point of being too critical. Him being diagnosed a ‘cynical asshole’ by a doctor wasn’t just because of the depression- he kinda always has been one to an extent, even before that episode) and very easily sees through bullshit. He also is very adaptable with natural leader skills and is good at adjusting to his environment physically, so I have no doubt that he would be able to learn about, say, working a spaceship.

Basically, a lot of Stan’s strengths that I think are often slept on in the fandom overall are all the things that would translate quite well into some type of military or government intel analyst role. The ridiculousness of the Space Force also aligns with the ridiculousness of South Park in general 100% (there’s so much satire potential there). It also just went well with the political climate of the time the episode aired.

Fun fact: according to his uniform, he appears to be a Chief Master Sergent, which is the second highest enlisted rank possible. He also has an insane amount of awards on his uniform.

One of Stan’s weaknesses is that he has a lack of motivation. I can absolutely see him being unsure of what to do in life but not wanting to be like his dad and joining the military to help at least give him guidance/something to make of himself in his life when he lacks the motivation/structure to think of something himself. And then I can see it evolving from there as he joins the military/how it adapts to his own natural skills. I also think he would secretly like the status he would gain from ranking high up.

Btw this is kinda off topic but I completely head-canon that Craig also works in the Space Force with Stan. Also, Stan is not short (look to the screenshots). . Looks to be the tallest of the main four, followed by Kyle, Kenny, then Cartman who is quite short.

[jinxpologist]

okay im feeling so fucking emotional about having this weird ass disorder so everyone is gonna have to deal with me talking about it. what they don't tell u about misophonia is how fucking lonely it is to have it. even with just the one trigger, i have it at the extreme, and it means i can't eat with other people at all. if i'm forced to, i have to block out all noise and be viscerally uncomfortable. even without being able to hear it, i know it's there, and it fucking ruins me.

people talk about the love that's present in eating with people, in sharing a meal. i don't feel that love. i wish i could feel that love. all i am is afraid. in public spaces, i'm terrified that someone will start chewing something and i'll get triggered. in class, i had to sit there and sob quietly to myself, digging my nails into my arms to stop from screaming. "cool" teachers who let students eat in class became teachers i despised.

when i say it's bad, i mean it's bad. at my worst, if forced to listen for more than a minute, i will quickly go to level 10 on this scale. it's horrifying! it's awful! at times i've wished i couldn't hear at all!!

and like... so few people talk about us. so few people care about us. i'm in so much pain and i'm so lonely because all people want to do is eat with other people and that is the one thing i can't do!!! and at best people have never heard of it, but at worst they try to purposefully trigger me (which is a quick way to make sure i never trust you again. it's one of the worst kinds of betrayal for me).

this is a big part of my life that is literally disabling and i get so tired of people not understanding or not caring or not even remembering and triggering me anyway. it's exhausting. i can't even blame them most of the time, because of how weird of a trigger it is, but it weighs on you after the tenth time someone accidentally triggers you and you've had to remind them over and over and over again.

if you have misophonia, i want you to know i love you and i'm here for you. we're in this shit together. this condition can literally kill people, or make us wish we were dead, and we deserve so much better than that. we will survive, we will be okay, and we will find people who care, even if it's each other.

[j-1z]

xdinary heroes love languages

disclaimer: all of my readings are for entertainment purposes only and should be taken with a grain of salt, as these idols are strangers.

this reading was done on aug 24th, 2023. i used the ‘dreaming way’ deck and caroline myss' 'archetype cards' deck. i also pulled up the member's birth charts for a bit more guidance.

Whatever love language his partner wants, is Gunil’s love language. I did two pulls here because he was so unclear with his feelings. Bottom line, is he isn’t sure of his love language because he kind of just goes with what his partner wants. Gunil has a tendency to become extremely infatuated with people and is willing to give himself completely to them. I imagine someone kneeling, helpless at an altar. There’s a sense of feeling lost and confused in terms of love right now, so he’s not exactly sure what his love language is. He wants to desperately make someone happy, playing with different ideas of what would be nice. Very idealistic in love and finds it hard to stay in reality in this aspect of his life - like a rock in pretty much every other part of his life and ideally, wants his partner to lean on him, but it seems that he would unintentionally allow them to knock him over and call it love. Once he heals, he gives knight vibes hardcore - chivalrous, a bit traditional, devotion is a huge theme here, wants to see his partner try and make leaps and bounds. He wants to worship, but needs to learn to take care of himself and set boundaries first.

Acts of service is Jungsu’s love language. He tends to automatically take a more dominant role in his relationships, at least emotionally. Truly lives up to that “mom” title - softly guiding, compassionate, warm and super kind. He wants to relieve his partner’s burdens so that they can shine again. Literally, picking up the pieces of their life to lighten the load, I imagine a mother goose character rounding up her gosling children. He also seems to know what to say to make his partner feel good. On the other hand, Jungsu needs to be careful with doing things to get his partner to “shut up,” whether it’s in a half-assed manner, he’s doing it while sighing through it, or teetering into people-pleaser territory. Has the ability to be someone his partner can lean on in a more tangible manner. 

Quality time is Jiseok’s love language. He loves to kind of follow his partner around, sticking his nose into what they’re doing and simply being around them. I imagine a puppy whose tail keeps wagging as they sit and stare at their owner. Would love parallel play - helps break up the monotony of doing mundane things and he’s got someone to mess around with, pick their brain, etc. The deepest way to an emotional connection is to connect through the brain first, the heart and the mind go very hand in hand for him, and the best way to connect through the brain is to spend time together. Long talks, storytelling are all things he likes. 

Acts of service and words of affirmation are Seungmin’s love languages. Just want to comment on the amount of depth this guy has - for a Gemini, he reminds me more of a Scorpio with the way he operates in relationships. Relationships for him are something that transforms both him and his partner, and he wants to see them grow even (and especially) if it’s painful. Seungmin tends to go for jaded types, but not without cause. He’s the type to do your laundry when you can’t, make you a meal or get food when you can’t get out of bed, and inevitably, hoist you up by your bootstraps and get you moving again. It’s all out of love and the necessity to be connected on such a visceral level. The type to give you hard truths, but also tell you that you’ll be okay in the end. There’s a deep fire that burns when he’s with a partner that makes him feel alive - can be a little aggressive or abrasive with how he gives his love sometimes. I imagine someone throwing blinds open abruptly to flood a dark room with light, a “come on, get up, let’s go,” and holding hands to go take a shower for the first time in a couple days. Very wise, probably has been through what he likes to help others through. Also, refuses to settle for anyone who isn’t up for a transformation, which makes him appear aloof and not available to most.

Acts of service is Hyeongjun’s love language. He has a hard time verbally speaking his truth, putting words to his feelings and has a real tendency to slip up in his speech often (I think he mentioned something about this recently, preferring to perform and paint as a way to express?). It actually seems that he’s convinced he needs to be more of a physical touch or words of affirmation kind of partner - very naïve lover, I don’t think he’s had much experience, if any at all, in terms of love. His ideas of love he absorbs from the world around him (media, his parents, his bandmates, etc). The best way to show his love would be through different, more practical ways, instead of big, poetic words or throwing himself at his partner. He is surprisingly level headed when it comes to his partners and takes on an almost fatherly role to them. Hyeongjun also tends to be attracted to those who have big woes - very similar to Seungmin in that he would cook his partner a meal if they haven’t eaten, sit and let his partner vent (and give advice!), etc. However, there is less of that “tough love” aspect, so much as there is a humanitarian, “you’re human, you deserve to be happy” kind of energy. If his partner needed to spend time just rotting in bed, he’d probably join and make sure they had basic needs met until they felt better enough to do it themselves. Runner up is gift giving - very contemplative and thoughtful, he would be good at making playlists, paintings, etc for his partner and it’s a great outlet for big feelings.

Physical touch and acts of service are Jooyeon’s love languages. In relationships, he tends to really embody his Virgo mars - very warm, patient and giving to his partners, he wants to be someone that they can look up to for support. He is extremely similar to Gunil surprisingly, however Jooyeon has an easier time not losing himself in infatuation and can keep himself afloat easier. This seems to be the one aspect in his life where he is extremely grounded and can be a pillar of support for those that he loves. He has a lot of patience for the world around him - I want to note that even though he seems energetic and bouncy, his energy overall is very steady and rooted. This was also the most obvious physical touch reading I’ve gotten in a minute - he loves hugs and will not hesitate to give big ol’ squeezes. The act of hugging, cuddling, physical contact, etc helps him to regulate and connect more than any other ways - he finds it easier to physically express his love, instead of verbally. There’s a sense that he feels like he’s good at hugging/physical contact, but not always the best with words. Deep, deep down, Jooyeon is also a bit of a romantic and tends to look for “the one” when he’s dating. He wants someone to take care of and dote on. 

[twistedastrology]

♋cancers and rage♋

-------------------------------------------------

i just did a workout because i had way too much energy today and now im exhausted so im gonna talk abt sumn im very passionate abt while i sit on the floor and recover 😮‍💨

- 🌙 -

a pretty big observation ive made since ive been into astrology and more specifically since ive been basically reinventing it in my head is that cancers, especially cancer risings/cancer mars, have a VERY misunderstood relationship with anger.

most people ive seen have said something along the lines of cancers are crybabies and they tend to cry when they're angry or just skip anger altogether and go to the depression side of things

personally, im a cancer rising with mars conjunct my ascendant (and ofc saturn in my 1st 💞💞) and i have NEVER found this to be the case, and other cancer risings i know don't follow those stereotypes either

- ♈ -

in my experience, imagine a combination of aries energy and capricorn energy, THAT'S what cancers embody when it comes to emotion, especially rage.

i've written an entire newsletter on this and made a whole instagram post for it over at @bluedashercrafts (they're not on tumblr yet but the link takes u to their instagram!!) so i have indeed thought very in depth about this 😮‍💨

cancers can blow up like aries, but they can hold a grudge like capricorn- and if you're me and you have saturn in your 1st (in fixed fire btw 😮‍💨), you'll lean more towards the capricorn side of things in any emotion.

i personally have a massive tendency to bottle up the pain (andrageandfearthatifeeltHEPAINANDR-) until im in a safe environment to get it out (aka being alone with my earbuds in and music blasting) OR until i can't hold it in anymore and the steam gets so high pressured that it blows the lid off the fucking pot- that's when i gotta run away and isolate myself and do a workout ASAP otherwise i will likely hurt myself because there's just So Much Energy

- ♑ -

i wanna bring a couple other examples to the table so you get a better idea of what im talkin abt here-

if you're a korn enjoyer like me, you'll know the My Gift To You - Woodstock '99 performance. well the first time i saw that and it got to the "I HATE YOU- CAN'T YOU FEEL TEH PAAIN-" part, my fucking jaw dropped and i almost cried because i could not believe that i was seeing someone else exhibit the same like- Pure Unbridled Rage that i experience all the time- the kind of visceral emotion that literally makes you flail around on stage and then bang the microphone against it like 3+ times because you're trying to come back to reality like jonathan davis was-

THAT is the level I'm talking about- that is the level that is very specific to cancer placements, specifically cancer risings and cancer mars (and his mars is in a cancer degree of scorpio, so there you go)

another more well-known example would be Markiplier! if you've seen his rage game playthroughs, you'll know he throws chairs and mouses and just generally gets pissed to an ungodly extent- he's a cancer rising with his venus and sun in cancer and his mars in leo.

- 🌓 -

cancers are NOT the signs that break down crying when they experience anger, they are the ones that feel their blood boil more than aries does.

for another good example, my best friend has his mars and venus both in aries, but he's another cancer rising- whenever he gets angry, he gets VERY angry, but he doesn't have the saturn influence that i do, so his anger is much more aries-like (short fuse, louder about it and it doesn't last as long- his is more like the classic interpretation of anger issues), whereas mine is MUCH more capricorn-like (LONG fuse, WAY quieter about it but god forbid it gets loud, and it Can last a very long time)

- 🪐 -

now you might wanna ask me "why the hell do you keep saying aries and capricorn specifically", well i just explained that im not gonna lie BUT-

cancers are very aries-like because they're the CARDINAL water sign, and cardinal signs are basically just fire-coded whatever element they are- (aries is double fire, capricorn is fire-coded earth, libra is fire-coded air, and cancer is fire-coded water)

and with aries being the fire-coded fire sign, it's essentially capricorn is aries-coded earth- THAT'S why cancers can be VERY similar to aries.

as for capricorn, cancers are the sister sign to capricorn, so they'll share similar traits despite being on opposite sides of the wheel. PLUS, where fire burns itself out very quickly, water doesn't really dry out very quickly especially if there's a lot of it.

- 🌑 -

this is really just part 1 when it comes to my reinvention of cancers- ill cover their relationship with sex as opposed to scorpios in another post because i really wanna delve more into that BUT!!!

if you want more of a well-put-together post on this, go check out the ig post and newsletter i did for blue dasher crafts!!! i also dived a little more into my personal experience with the anger and catharsis i go thru being a cancer rising/mars so!!

[forwomenbiwomen]

For some reason I just had a one-two sucker punch of content from men that suddenly and intensely unlocked a revelation lol.

I realised how it would feel to be a man, and not just intellectually. For a moment, when I was lost in the content and felt like a person and like it was talking to me, I felt that.

Pretty vulnerable and long rant incoming, I'm not proud of realising I could have been just like them with the right factors:

As a man everyone supports you, even if you whine that they don't. Everyone in the media looks like you and sounds like you; you are the default. And if they don't, it's uncomfortable and eyeroll-inducing, because what's the point of pandering to wishy-washy failed humans like women? Women are the weird ones; they dress up for some reason and they're soft for some reason and have their own rules about makeup and clothes and they are suckers for us and I'm intensely attracted to their bodies but they're unknowable so I won't bother to understand them beyond that. To them feminism is so cringe and it's equivalent to the cringeyness of q*eer culture or... idk furries

It was like the empathy centre in my brain went overdrive for a minute and for the first time in my life, I genuinely wanted to be a man. It hit me on such a visceral level just how oppressed we are and how uncared for we are and how fucking different we are. I knew it intellectually and I have been angry for a while but this was... different. I felt it.

For a second I realised how easy it is to be misogynistic. How easy it is not to care, and how easy it is not to notice. Women are the other to them. There's a sick sense of satisfaction in ALL of them. "At least I'm not like them, phew. At least it benefits me. I want it to be like this, secretly, bcs it gets me hard and it's the best feeling in the world to feel that sexual power."

And then, when I came out of it like 😳, I found it really hard to adjust because all I wanted was to be like that. That jealous, childish part of me wanted to feel that pleasure and that ease and that sick satisfaction even though I know it's wrong. I just wanted it to be easy. It's so easy for them, and it's not fair. And they know on some level and they don't care because it genuinely feels so good. They're like spoiled children, and I mean that in the most literal sense: there's been research that lack of hardship doesn't develop your brain in certain areas, such as empathy, decision making, resilience, and care for the quality of work. They literally have parts of their brain that are children's level, and it FUCKING SHOWS.

To be a woman suddenly, after imagining for a second that I wasn't, was such a feeling of grief. I really felt like I was lesser. I understood how they think that. Men and women have the same socialisation from the world (men are better and women are lesser) and I realised with horror that if I was a man, that socialisation would've worked. Plain and simple. It's everywhere in everything and as much as it's permeated us as women, it's permeated them; it's just that we are on different sides of the equation. How inescapable it is for us is just as inescapable for them, but we fight to escape because we feel that pain and they don't give a shit because, and I can't stress this enough, it feels good.

It feels safe and it feels comfortable, like a soft, warm chair filled with pillows and blankets that you can order things around from and then jack off lol. And then the "feminists" come and look at you with venom and harsh words and blow cold air down your back and pull at your blankets and say this chair should be ours, you have to bunk along and you're like what the fuck? And all you have to do is say no and your fellow chair dwellers will order them away from you and you can be warm again. Other women pull them back too, then fall at your feet to bring you stuff and suck your dick and you think "thank you normal, traditional women we love you for that <3". You might even feel a warm sense of kindness towards those women, but in the end as soon as they stop that venom you feel comes back. It doesn't matter what happens to them, it doesn't even cross your mind that they're cold, as long as you get to sit doing nothing, eating, sleeping and jacking off fine.

I don't really have a point here I just feel disgusted that I understand them. I feel like my arms and legs are being dragged down while men step all over me with shamelessly hard dicks and mocking smiles, poking me and spitting on me. I hate how it feels to be a woman and I've NEVER ONCE thought that.

I love being a woman, I feel pride and warmth towards my sisters. I love how we're biologically superior in every way even when men define it as quick-fiber physical strength and psychopathy. I love how we're the bastions of what it means to be human, the carriers of culture, the creators of life. I love how we're resilient and that animals trust us more and how creative we are. I love how intelligent and beautiful we are, how sensual and loud we can be. I love how period bleeding is one of our body's ways of reporting on our physical health. I love how we were the first time-keepers. I love how, as a sex, we gravitate towards communal structures and collaboration. I love how we come in all different shapes and from all different backgrounds and struggles and how we then create covens and magic and jokes and science and technology and art.

Everything terrible men project onto us (such as submission, vanity, helplessness, promiscuity) is actually true of them. And when I think about how that shameless privilege felt, and how they have hijacked billions and billions of women across time and space and sucked the humanity out of us, I have the intense urge to a) kill them as a matter of survival and b) keep the feminism going. The angry, evil feminism that actually liberates women.

Anyway rant over I'm normal about them again (👹👹)

[the-bloody-sadist]

If you don't mind, can I ask, what are your top 10 (or top 7) favorite media (can be books/ manga/ anime/movies/tv series)? Why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before......Thanks....

Thank you for asking! I had one person who sent me an ask related to this and then deleted it before I could answer (I think I scared them away yelling at other people in my asks 😂).

So here we go, a compiled overview of my TOP TEN FAVORITE MEDIA!! Some will be current that could change (like songs, ever changing) and others will be permanent (like shows).

NBC's Hannibal [Show]: It shouldn't come as a surprise that this is my top favorite piece of media of all time. Not to do the whole 'I liked it before it was mainstream' but I FOUND IT WHEN IT WAS STILL RELATIVELY CULT-LOVED AND GOT INTO IT WHEN IT WAS ON AMAZON PRIME VIDEO. THE FANDOM FELT TINY ❗️ Anyway, I'm so glad to see how far it's come and how the fandom has grown. This remains one of the only series that was cancelled that I couldn't tell was actually cancelled because it still wrapped up so nicely in the last-aired season. I'm endlessly impressed with the character arcs, the dynamics, the PSYCHOLOGY (a huge deal for me), and especially the dialogue. I mean, I could list literally every element of this show and how tastefully it was used, but the main highlights are how artfully the gore is shown - giving great perspective of the killers whose eyes we mainly see through - and the dialogue. There's a surrealist tone to it, and so many of the lines are subtle poetry without being the hamfisted one-liners of so many other shows that try to do the same. The actors are incredible, the scenes are precisely paced, and just overall you can tell this was a work of the heart. I mean, more superficially, the homoerotic nature of Hannibal and Will's relationship appealed to me as soon as it was introduced, because GODS is it miles higher in chemistry than like ACTUAL EXISTING so-called LGBT romance shows. (I'm glaring FLAMING DAGGERS at the garbage Interview With a Vampire show in which they ruined everything but most of all the chemistry that the original story did so well.) In any case, please watch it! It's one of the best things I've ever seen.

Last Night in Soho [Film]: Directed by my favorite director, Edgar Wright, who has the most fantastic habit of matching musical beats to visuals (a particular love of mine), this film is GORGEOUS, for one. The colors and scenery, the editing, the lights, the creative shots, the effects, the MIRRORS! Don't get me started on the mirrors. I love mirrors. One of my favorite things about characters - although ONLY when done well - is the contrast of duality. Some of the best portrayals besides this one are in Tokyo Ghoul and Moon Knight, off the top of my head. It's hard to find portrayals I like, but this one shines above them all. There are technicalities on the actual character being dual, but I wouldn't spoil it for you. It's the journey of both a past and present woman, one struggling to find her place in the fashion industry, and one struggling to escape the sex industry before it devours her. I heavily related to certain themes in this one and was viscerally enthralled in the choices and character arcs made in certain scenes. It's cathartic, it's overwhelming, it's PURE ART. You're missing out if you never see this one.

HBO's Sharp Objects [Show]: On so many levels, this one speaks to my wounded little heart. Dealing with heavy topics like childhood trauma, parental abuse, self harm, child murders, the bad sides of southern/small-town culture, and mental illness, I don't know if there's another character that I feel quite as connected to as Amy Adams' portrayal of Camille Preaker. The outstanding detail of this one for me, personally, is Camille's mother, Adora. I can confidently say that there IS no other mother that resembles how my childhood felt than Adora, and because of that this show was a painful sort of catharsis. But I love feeling emotions to a dangerous degree, and I'll just say the finale of this one wiped me the fuck out. I'm currently rewatching it for the first time with my close friends, and I'm so scared to get to that finale again. Lmao. But in a good way. In any case, other than Adora, I also identified with the accurate and visceral portrayals of self harm and PTSD. The way that they show flashbacks and visually jumpscare the viewer WITHOUT the presence of blasting music was the show's shining glory. You have literal ASMR wind and crickets over shots of a dead child's missing teeth, blood hitting pavement, pornography on a cabin door, and then a hanged corpse in the corner of the bedroom, right there with Camille in the shot. It is...SO accurate to the feelings of PTSD. It's just so good. I would recommend the show for that alone, and yet everything else is so perfect, too. Along with the gripping plot of a murder case, the intense shame that follows Camille wherever she goes makes for such good conflict and friction with her surroundings. Everything is personal because it takes place in her hometown. Anyway, I can't keep rambling my mind out of its skull over this one. It's beautiful, it's perfect, it's fascinating. Please see it. I beg of you. For me, it represented so much of how it felt to grow up with family dynamics like Camille's. If you relate to it, you'll either love the catharsis or hate the memories it revives.

No Longer Human [Novel]: Pretty sure I've already rambled my ass off about this one when I made the 10 Characters 10 Fandoms post since Yozo is one of the most relatable characters I've ever read about and thus one of my faves! But yeah, this novel is everything to me. I want so many quotes on my wall from it but honestly the one that I constantly think about is still that first line: "Mine has been a life of much shame." It's well known, but that doesn't make it any less impactful for me. I still tear up sometimes when I think about it. Yozo's thought process is just so...accurate. And knowing all about Dazai Osamu and his life as the writer and how closely it's tied to it? I don't think it will ever move from its spot as my top novel of all time.

The Vampire Armand by Anne Rice [Novel]: Lol so the gif isn't from this story specifically but I need gifs for happy brain so I have one related to the story. Probably one of my favorite romances of all time, mostly because it's a very reserved romance, in the sense that it can't exactly be labelled "romance" except in sub-context. (I mean they do have sex but it's like a story about vampires first, if that makes sense? The romance is sort of a subplot to Armand's vampire adventures.) Anne Rice is a favorite writer of mine, and this book was a masterpiece to me. The language she uses and the scenes of vampirism fascinated me, and I wish that vampire media was better at bringing Anne's true style to life. They make it so goofy nowadays, and no other vampire stories apart from some anime portrayals are ever interesting to me. Not to mention the new Interview With A Vampire series as aforementioned is SO BAD and I hate it. Anne could handle that excessive grace of a man who's lived for centuries and the intelligence gained along the way without ruining their humanity, and knew how to portray the loneliness of such a life without making her characters sound like the emo piss babies of Twilight. She has such a grasp on the poetry of words and breadth of experience, and I'll never get over just how exciting it was to read this book for the first time. Truly felt like I was discovering vampires for the first time, and how they would realistically operate if they existed.

Tokyo Ghoul [Manga]: I believe everyone knows quite enough about Tokyo Ghoul, so I promise not to ramble on this one! But in short, as a psychological thriller lover PLUS horror lover PLUS dual-personality-when-done-right-and-realistically lover PLUS cannibalism-exlored-and-the-terrifying-effects lover I MEAN THIS IS JUST THE STORY FOR ME OBVIOUSLY. Kaneki has and always will be fascinating to me no matter how mainstream or over-talked about he is. He is amazing. Did the anime leave out most of the good stuff from the manga? Yeah, but Kaneki was there. The torture scenes were great. Is the manga better? WORLDS BETTER. But I still enjoyed the anime and got into it through there. I respect the anime's attempt to capture what was a sincerely tragic and deep emotional story. But man, reading the manga is something else, entirely. I haven't had the chance to read every single volume, and I may have skipped around a bit in search of the best parts to invest my time in, but boy I never regretted it. Kaneki's arc, getting to see into his head and experience his trauma and eventual decline into madness was SO SO SO SO SO FUCKING GORGEOUS. Nothing will beat it for a descent into madness story for me, I don't think. Plus ghouls as a whole and the art of the manga are just so *claws the wall* I wish I could draw like that.

The Phantom of the Opera [Score]: What's this?? Het media on Sadist's list?? Okay. I'm a huuuuge music fanatic. I grew up with multiple instruments in the house and played to escape, wrote to express, blah blah blah you get it, I NEEDED music to survive. When I discovered this soundtrack, as someone who despises musicals (and still does, but a few have made it through to my heart), I was ENTHRALLED, I tell you. ENCHANTED! Never before or since have I heard such riveting, mysterious, ethereal music, much less in a musical. Every single fucking song on this soundtrack is evocative and perfect and EVERYTHING. And the STORY! AUGH! I've always adored the story. One of my main quarrels with het 'romance' media is that so many of the "greats" (AKA The Notebook, 50 Shades, Twilight, After, etc.) have these fucking...WALKING RED FLAGS that are presented to be the most romantic things ever. Like the movie itself is gaslighting the audience into believing the emotionally manipulative man dangling off of a ferris wheel and threatening to kill himself if the girl doesn't go out on a date with him is adorable. I don't find it cute I find it reminiscent of every bad partner I've ever had, and I can't watch the movies because NOBODY in them ever acknowledges or is affected negatively in any way by these glaring, abusive behaviors. In Phantom of the Opera, Eric (the phantom) is obsessive, stalkerish, possessive, etc. - many things that other media presents as love WITHOUT understanding how it's also terrifying. The movie (though a little goofy at times and dramatic, I'll admit - which is why the score and not the film is on my tops list LMAO) presents these factors as they SHOULD be presented - scary. The music is ominous, the songs are obsessive and enchanting, and it's not presented as cutesy romance. That's why I love it so much. If you want a toxic love interest, please go right ahead and make one! You guys know me, that's literally what I write about. So I hope I've made myself clear about this topic and what I mean - just present the actual abuse as ACTUAL ABUSE, and scary and horrible, even if the protagonist is falling in love with that. Because reality can be like that. It's tough. But in Phantom, Christine goes with the healthy love interest in the end, Raoul, and I've always thought the ending was beautiful for that, because the Phantom still learned love in the end by letting her go. ANYWAY! Enough of that, good grief lmao. Tumblr with no word limits is so dangerous for me.

Mo Dao Zu Shi [Donghua]: 3 Seasons and I still haven't had enough of it. I just recently rewatched this with my close friends and good gods I was appreciating all the intricacy and character development the second time around. There isn't a single character left un-developed in this donghua like SERIOUSLY. Seriously, big kudos to the fucking author. In anyone else's hands, the magic system and the multiple plot lines and the larger-than-life characters most likely would've been fumbled. But whoever directed this KNEW what they were doing and KNEW their source material. And look, even though I barely know who is who because names are confusing and I barely understand half of the magic going on and why people are fighting, THIS IS THE SINGULAR SHOW THAT EXISTS WHERE IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. I'M STILL TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HOW THAT WORKS. But it does? The emotional capacity of every scene no matter if I know what's happening or why just HITS and I'm always rooting for the characters or crying over them. Like, it's just insane. Okay. Everyone who's into BL should watch it, because it's one of the best. And even if you're not into BL, it's one of the best. The action is INCREDIBLE. apffff moving on.

The Case Study of Vanitas [Anime]: BRUUUUUHHHHH. We all know. We all know. I don't need to say anything. But the two boys, man. Two of my top faves. The show is gorgeous, the character designs are beautiful, the setting is romantic, the boys are gay (they are. they are gay.)...I mean what more can I ask for. Oh yeah also vampires! They're vampires. And I love vampires that are like, actually cool. Thank you for making actually cool vampires within a really interesting magic system. I would kiss the author but she made Vanitas straight so no kisses. ONE OF MY FAVORITE COUPLE OF CLIMAX EPISODES OF ALL TIME BTW.

A Silent Voice [Anime Film]: :(...I can't really talk about this one. I relate to it so much. Social anxiety, depression, attempted suicide. It's a really beautiful and painful movie. I cry every time I watch it. The end, that's all. The imagery and the meaning behind so many shots is just...UWEGH.

To Your Eternity [Anime]: *furiously points* LOOK AT THE BABY. OH MY GODS LOOK AT HIM. You guys, you guys. You guys. If you haven't seen this, and you like crying, and you need to cry really hard, and you need the most fascinating and heart wrenching story of all time, this is the one. Fushi, also? Hot. The Beholder, his daddy? Hot. Kenjiro Tsuda? Hot. Sorry, besides the point. This is the best written "you're supposed to cry" story I've ever seen. Nothing beats it. You know what they're going to do to you but yet they somehow subvert your expectations of HOW every fucking time, and MAN??? It hurts. But it hurts so good. And Fushi should be real so I can kidnap him, that's all.

I did 11 things, I'm so sorry. I do this every time. BUT I SURE HOPE YOU FOUND THOSE INTERESTING AND POSSIBLY FOUND A NEW THING TO ADD TO YOUR LIST IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN/HEARD/READ BEFORE. Thanks anon for the ask!

Oh yeah and as extra I wanted to throw in my favorite song right now because IT'S REALLY PRETTY.

[niehaused]

So about that scene in WN where Beatrice is reading that journal entry to Ava...

I’ve only watched Warrior nun once this weekend, but I went back to rewatch this scene in particular and, there is just SO SO much to unpack from the suitcase this scene dropped on my lap 

1. Ava being like daamn she's translating straight from french that's hot (ava is someone who has effectively so far, missed on her entire life, missed on the most basic stuff walking, sensory tactile daily input, socialization outside of abuse. So she's truly getting to know and see and experience everything for the first time, she is hungry for living and knowing and finding out. So in this sense ofc it makes absolute sense that she'd be attracted to Beatrice who is pretty much a walking library, she's attracted to her on an instinctual level from moment one, she's just not rationalized yet that she is, but the magnetism is there) 

2. Ava repeating the word lesbich, because ofc her golden retriever brain would be like hey I know a whole new word and in a foreign language how cool is that?!! While also being painfully unaware that that word carries so much weight and pain for Beatrice and must be likely cringing internally to have the object of her affection just throwing the word around like it's nothing 

3. Ava's 'yeah she did!'. Once again reaching only an initial level of analysis and being excited because the nun in the story is a bada$s who just won't put up with abuse, cause in her eyes that must be literally so cool therefore violence and retribution is righteous. 

4. And then being crestfallen when she's notices Beatrice strong reaction to the whole story, then she's capable of grasping a deeper level of understanding of everything that's behind. It's not just retribution, it's hatred and fear and abject pain. She gets a glimpse of the other side of the coin, what the nun in the story/Beatrice deals with. A blinding rage, and overwhelming pain. It's not justice driving the sword, it's trauma. Her facial expression switched in seconds as does her approach to the rest of the story. 

5. Now she's able to see a connection between the warrior nun in this journal and Bea, she knows it is something primal but still can't put her finger exactly on what, yet she can feel that an immense pain is the thread that weaves both the story and Bea's visceral response to it.

6. Bea's realization that she's isn't the only one, she's not the only gay warrior sister. Up to this point I'm sure she must have felt isolated even inside her religious community, which became her family. They know who she is, but they don't know her completely. But there was someone just like her, through time, even at the distance she's not alone,  and she can also reach that feeling of being fully herself and at peace (I’ll forever wonder how Bea related to Shanon and Mary about this specific point). 

7. Bea being pissed at Ava's obliviousness. Ava being so close to the central theme of the story but still failing to connect they last final dots, which would save Bea an enormous amount of time working to an admission or confession of her love (which we actually didn't get, only after Ava was gone. Not even when Ava kissed her, not even when Ava took the leap and actually said I love you. Bea just wasn't going to be able to take those steps on time), if Ava could just realize by herself what Bea is feeling for her... But she doesn't and then Bea snaps because rly ava?! C'mon work with us here. 

8. Bea's gut wrenching admission that she became an academic overachiever to compensate for being gay. Now this is actually personal to me and I'm sure to most of the queer community, we've been there. Bea at some point literally felt she had no value as a person, only through discipline and excellence in everything she does :’(  she probably still feels that way, up until meeting Ava.

9. Bea dead a$s saying: 'What (who) you love, what (who) should make you happy only brings you pain'... while looking directly at ava.... Ava, sweaty, darling, honey baby, adoptive child of literal divine light, god’s chosen champion... my sister in Christ. Bea is pouring out her bleeding heart, looking straight into your eyes, admitting that even tho she loves you and you make her happy, you bring her pain. And in so many ways, as a christian believer/nun who's been told her whole life that being gay means your are doomed and automatically going to super hell, as a young queer woman who has gone to the almost ultimate stage of self denial of herself and her sexuality by becoming a nun, as a sister warrior entrusted with the safety of the halo bearer, as Ava’s very first and actual close friend, as a gay mess who’s trying so hard to keep her feelings on check because her relationship to Ava involves literally the world’s salvation and she has no idea if Ava is exclusively straight/or remotely queer. I cannot even with this specific exchange pls. This pained me on a molecular level because I was transported to my crush on a girl I met at bible camp when I was a prepubescent. (Yes I was at one point and against my will, an uncool christian nerd I’m no stranger to christianity and its multicomplex traumatic interseccion with queerness). And I still to this day wonder what became of Irene my Bible camp crush

10. Ava (despite not reaching the full understanding of the situation that Bea would like her to have) is emotionally smart, so whatever it is that's bothering Bea so much, she'll offer to listen to her, and if she isn't ready to do so, she can wait; but in the meantime she'll make damn sure to let Bea know that Beatrice isn't just 'barely acceptable', nor 'simply enough'. She is seen, she is full, whole and beautiful.

I did NOT need to have Beatrice thrusted upon me, introduced only to be taken away like this. I was living just fine without this knowledge, but yet here we are 

[localplaguenurse]

Yk that one tiktok trend where we meet the younger versions of ourselves and we say a few things

What would wifey say if they ever saw their younger self because of a leyline disruption or something.

Me @ the prompt and also the art

Man you got me when I'm trying to put my writing powers to something else and I'm torn between if I want to fully write this out or keep it short and sweet

I'm kinda going off of what I can find on both the genshin wiki and actual articles about ley lines for this but unless I'm reading it wrong, my understanding is they recreate/repeat memories, and I can't find anything really about how interactable these memories are so 1. fuck it, we ball, and 2. if literally anyone knowledgeable about ley lines sees this and I get something wrong, help me

It's a familiar sight at the monastery. The fan shaped leaves, still green, gently rustle as the wind flows through them. Small wildflowers pop up in the grass, adding more colour to the greenery.

Crumpled to their knees, sobbing into bandaged hands, sits a young bride. Their dress is striking silk red, tailored to fit them alone yet it has never felt right on their body. The fear, the anger, and the utter grief over losing all they have ever had radiates off of them like heat from a flame. They were a caretaker once, but after today, they are property, a sacrificial virgin offered up to a god for the protection of their loved ones. Their loved ones who so graciously tossed them at the feet of this god the first chance they saw.

The memory is painful enough as is, but to actually see your younger self in front of you is surreal, and the sight causes a deep visceral dread in your body.

When your youngest son had come to you, pale as a sheet, saying this nonsense about how he saw you crying in the orchard, you almost wanted to laugh. That's impossible, you've been in the courtyard all day catching up with some old friends. Still, that disturbed demeanor, that level of fear and worry in his eyes, is not an expression that can be made up on a whim. No one makes that sort of face unless they have genuinely seen something bad. Regardless of what he truly saw, your son saw something upsetting, and it is your job as his mother to help him.

You sent him away to go eat lunch with the rest of his siblings, promising you will fix it by the time they are done. You walked through the monastery until you had reached the orchard. You walked beneath the towering ginkgo trees, looking around for any sort of intruder. There shouldn't be any monsters about, so what did he see?

Near the very edge of the orchard, you spy the colour red. Your heart rate stutters, but you try to steady yourself as you cautiously approach. With each step, you can hear the faintest of sobbing, and the exact voice, each hiccup and sniffle and cry, it all becomes so familiar. Your mouth fills with saliva, your stomach twists, and your chest feels tighter.

And here you are.

Or is it there you are?

It has been... goodness, almost thirty years since you've been in that exact dress. You have hardly aged since your bond with Morax was put in place, with the only passing of time on your body being the growth of your hair, the fading of scars, and stretchmarks and bit of leftover weight gained from past pregnancies. Still, this young woman is so, so young. They've hardly even begun adulthood, only just having shed their teenage years. Their sobbing is childish, quite literally immature, for they are still practically a child.

The memory of you makes your heart ache for so many reasons. That day was a very upsetting day, and you don't understand what you're doing here. Why are you seeing this memory, this ghost of your past life, despite the fact you are still alive and breathing? Not to mention that this version of you is only a couple years younger than your oldest daughter, and with how your youngest three children all resemble you, it really does feel like you're watching one of your children crying on their wedding day.

What mother wouldn't console their daughter when they're this upset?

You carefully approach, and you sit on the ground next to them. They are still crying when you do. With unease on your mind, you lift a hand up and touch their back. There's warmth in their body, and you can feel silk on your fingertips.

They stop crying when you put your arms around them. You pull them close, cradling their head against your shoulder. You hold them like that, waiting to see if something will happen, like the figure disappearing from your hold, or reality suddenly breaking.

"... You're going to be okay," you whisper, "we're going to be okay."

They're shaking a little as they try to hold in their - your - sobs.

"You have every right to be as angry and as scared as you are," you tell yourself, "it wasn't fair. He's truly wonderful, and loves you so much, but it wasn't fair to you." You run your fingers through your younger self's hair. "He will make it up to you, and you do not have to forgive her for giving you away. I still haven't, and I don't think I will, but what matters most right now is that you will be okay."

"... Thank you."

You let yourself go, and you're gone. You feel tears in your eyes, and you quickly wipe them away. It's... odd. You feel like there's a weight off of your shoulders, despite the fact that this experience should rattle you to your core.

You do not know if they understand who you are. You do not know if what you did will have any affect on them, if they'll remember it or if they'll have been completely reset if you ever see them again. You think you would do it again, though. You think you would tell them all of that over and over again, say the words you wished you had heard that dreadful day.

You take a deep breath, stand up, and head back to the monastery.

[ultraericthered]

One Villainous Scene: My First Emotion

As Valentine's Day is the day of love, my Valentine's gift is not one but two One Villainous Scenes featuring love as the central theme, one leaning on the darkly comical side, the other on just plain dark.

This would be former. In the third episode of Happy Sugar Life, Satou has spared the life of Asahi Kobe when she was about to kill him while he lay unconscious, due to something relating to Shio from him and regaining the good sense to know that a murder like this would compromise her and Shio's peaceful, happy, loving life together. On the walk back home, Satou starts to wonder why it was that she'd even thought to attempt Asahi's murder in the first place. She's normally very much in control of her feelings and able to think through all the decisions she makes, so what had made her so impulsive and uncontrolled back there? And so she contemplates:

I'm not new to bitter tastes. But this was on a totally different level. Just remembering it brings back the bitter taste. What IS this? Anger? Pain? A warning sign? It's different from anything I've ever felt before. It's bitter. So bitter.... I have to understand it to control it.

Satou recalls what set her off: Asahi, in his semi-conscious delerium, speaking the vows of love that Satou and Shio exchange on a nightly basis. Satou says that when she heard this, she got the image in her head of "Shio-chan and that thing saying those vows to each other" (and I love that Satou is just insistent on thinking of Asahi as a "thing" and an "it" rather than a fellow human being, like she has to internally dehumanize any person towards whom she has immediately venomous and bitter feelings of dislike). This puts into perspective that what was driving Satou up the wall was the very idea that her special someone, the one and only person she truly loves, could ever be with someone else in any close capacity where he loves her and she even might love him back. And that's when it finally hits her.

She was jealous of Asahi over how he's someone who knew and loved Shio well before she ever met her. It's jealousy that she felt.

Colorful shooting stars rain down in Satou's eyes and the mood of the scene does a sudden hard shift to being joyous, whimsical, and sweet. Soft, pleasant backgrounds and bright colors replace the dark and icky "bitterness" of before as Satou literally prances and skips down the street in girlish glee, now happy to have felt such a visceral, anguishing response of envy, rage, and disgust towards Asahi because these painful feelings are born from Satou's love for Shio! "My first emotion!", thinks Satou as she merrily skips along, clearly not meant to suggest she had no emotions before 'cause she earlier admitted to feeling different emotions in the past, but this is the first non-happiness stirring within her heart that anything to do with her relationship with Shio has made her feel on a deep level. It's the sociopath's first experience of actually connecting with something deep within herself that is purely, rawly, and unmistakably human.

The moment only gets schmaltzier and goofier from there!

That could be said to be the end of it....but only two minutes later, we see Satou get on the elevator to go back to her apartment room when Asahi crosses her mind once again. While still thinking of him as "that thing", she's at least in the mood to use his proper gender pronouns this time as she resolves to ensure he and Shio don't meet.

From unhinged and creepy to cute and pleasant, then back around to pants-wettingly terrifying. Really, what better way to sum up the masterstroke of yandere horror that is Satou Matsuzaka than that? Just as Satou adores Shio, I adore Satou's character. So much captivating complexity and nuance and psychological fucked up-ness. You see all the darkest facets of her and are so fearful and repulsed that you have the instinct to look away from her, yet find you can't because she's already pulled you into her world. You want to know her better, you want to see her in action, and because she is so charming and a lesser evil than others around, a small, secret part of you might even want to see her come out successful in the end.

I guess that can't be called anything less than a form of love. <3

Here's the full scene, from 5:50 to 9:58, in English. And whatever can be said of that fandub, Malina Rose is fucking GOATed as Satou.

[daddysboydean]

Hey! ^_^

So I'm copy pasting this cause I'm asking several people the same thing to gather answers, and I dont want to mess up my wording.

Why do you ship Wincest, why do you like it?

And I know a base answer would be "look at the way they look at each other" but you can notice that people have a thing for each other or acknowledge a couple without shipping it, without being invested in it or liking it.

For me it's because I think it's cute and sweet, that they would be able to make something nice out of the, to be frank, dumpster fire of their life, that they could cut a weird little hole for themselves and say "in the midst of all this bad, THIS is for us." It also interests me to think about how they would get to this point, to cross so many lines and become attached to each other in a way that is VERY atypical, even for their isolated situation. Cause not every set of siblings, even when put through a ridiculous amount of trauma, turn towards each other in a incestuous way. They might be codependently bonded, but it doesn't usually spill over into the physical or romantic. (I'm talking about all this in a very fictional setting btw).

So I enjoy the created home and comfort, and the psychological(?) aspect of what would make it happen.

And I was curious about what the appeal was for you.

Thank you! ♡

such an interesting question! there are easy answers, like you said, look at the way they look at each other. the actors had great chemistry which makes it easy to ship their characters together. and it fascinates/torments me that they’re brothers and yet the homoeroticism on the show was fucking intentional, like i will never ever get over how absolutely bonkers that is. drives me wild. 

why do i ship them, though? honestly i think i have a pretty basic bitch answer. it comes down to wincest having everything in it that i got into fanfic for in the first place. my previous ships were all darker, and i was generally drawn to even darker iterations of those ships in the fic I read. i like it when there’s something wrong about the couple, some reason they shouldn’t be together (forbidden romance <3 yay <3). i like unhealthy power dynamics, obsession and codependence, morally gray characters and anti-heros, characters who feel born wrong or made dirty, outsiders, ‘us against the world’ and when there are external forces at play that the pairing has to go up against. bonus points if there are supernatural/magical elements and if the pair are on opposite sides of...something. i don’t like a lot of fluff — just a sprinkle of it, really, a taste, enough to provide a little reprieve from all the darkness and raise the stakes but not enough to outshine it. gimme whump and character studies. i’m big on sexual tension even if it’s not an explicitly sexual fic. none of my previous ships were canonically incestuous, but i’d find the incest AUs anyway — usually daddy/daughter stuff (wincest is actually my first queer ship). 

anyway, wincest has all of that in spades. it’s kind of like my perfect ship. you said they're atypical even for their situash and yes, they’re so fucked up and wrong, and on a very visceral level. they’re more fucked up than any other ship I’ve ever shipped, and it’s fucking canon. you don’t have to even try to make them as unhealthy as possible because they’re already there. and digging into that? sticking your fingers in the wounds of their psyche to see what makes them tick then pouring salt on that shit to make it worse? literally makes me want to scream! they’re sick in the head for each other and i’m sick in the head for them. even if we’re not talking wincest as in my dick is hard for my brother, even if it’s just gencest or weirdcest, it’s totally fascinating to crack them open and take a peek inside. and yet there’s capacity for such a painful, gut-wrenching softness between them that ruins me. it ruins me. you can put the happiest spin on their story but it'll always be a tragedy.

the last thing i’ll say is that there’s a lot of material to work with. i typically stick to preseries or kripke era fic when i read and write, but SPN is kinda special because yeah there are 15 seasons to pick at and dissect and expand on, but the writing was also super sketch at times and the storylines weren’t terribly cohesive throughout, plus it was written for a family network, so a lot is still left to the imagination. they gave us enough (whether intentionally or accidentally) to make for some seriously compelling theories and headcanons — and to imagine how things could be X rated. really no limit to what you can come up with, and that’s a fun playground to roll around in.   

thanks for asking! this is something i've thought about in a back burner sort of way but never really looked at head-on.

[whatgaviiformes]

Ficlet: Another Unnamed FishTank thing

A/N lots going on. Hate that I haven't had anything to share, so have another not-edited start of a thing.

Also, anyone want to do a FishTank week? The day between their birthdays is coming up mid May.

.....

 "I'm going to tell you something," his brother chokes, "and it's not going to leave this cave." They shouldn't be talking, either one of them. In the dim neon of their emergency light, Gordon's pallor looks even more sickly than Virgil imagined was possible. It's the green glow slowly dimming with time and the flashing yellow-orange monitoring ox levels that keep them able to see each other in the deep dark, entombed where the rocks and stone grind against each other. 

It’s too literal in Gordon's case. Virgil had taken the brunt of the hits on his back protecting his brother's face, but Gordon's foot is still crushed somewhere beneath that rubble. 

"Are you finally going to fess up to the silly string in the Principal's office?"

"What?” Gordon squeezes his eyes shut. “No. I told everyone that was the Jameson brothers. I had more class than that."

"Giving the Principal a flat tire kind of class?"

"I only removed a little bit of air."

Try as he might, Virgil can't stop the hiss as the memory reminds him suddenly, viscerally, of the very thing they have little of. Gordon blinks at him slowly, and Virgil cards his hand through the blond strands made dark with dirt and grime. 

"I should never've taught you that," he says. He'd been into fixing cars up back then, he and Scott and Dad working on Grandpa's Chevy. 

"No, you really should've known better." Despite their circumstances, Gordon cracks a thin smile. “You were proud.” 

“I was a little - eh -  happy you listened to what I’d taught you.” 

“You were impressed.”

Virgil shakes his head, his own aches and pains screeching with stiffness, but he dare not move for fear the rocks would fall in around them. Scott and Alan are coming. It’s not a matter of if they’d be found, more a matter of whether it would be in time, and whether the rocks or the lack of air would get to them first. 

“So my not-so-secret, super revelation.” His tone is resigned, his smile flat with the heaviness of their predicament. For all the quips and distractions and memories of the past, this place here could very well be the last place they see. Gordon sighs, a heavy heave that turns into a wincing cough. “Ya ever feel like you’ve been on borrowed time?”

“Gordon…”

“I know. Trust me, I know. But you can’t know what it’s like, that it’s always me. Me who crashed with the hydrofoil, me who got themselves crushed under an underwater mountain, me who dragged myself and my brother into a collapsing cave.” 

“It’s not your fault,” Virgil tries to say.

“I’m so tired, Virg. I’m tired of waiting for the next shoe to drop. I’m tired of feeling like I’m being chased by karma, or darkness or something. I hate knowing the next time I could be dragging others down with me, and I’m sorry that you are here with me this time.”

“I’m not.”

[denimbex1986]

'When it was announced that Andrew Scott and Paul Mescal would be starring as lovers in All of Us Strangers, a film written and directed by Andrew Haigh, fans were buzzing on social media about what the combination would deliver. This was no surprise: Andrew Scott – already a celebrated actor from roles such as Moriarty in Sherlock, the ‘hot priest’ in Fleabag, and Gethin in the incredible 2014 film Pride – and Paul Mescal (Normal People, Aftersun) are the definition of queer catnip. Under director Haigh’s masterful eye, the end product is an enthralling exploration of what it means to be queer in today’s Britain. Even ahead of its general UK release, the film has already made an impact and literally shifted the language we use about gay/queer representation on screen.

Haigh – acclaimed for past feature films Weekend and 45 Years, as well as HBO series Looking – has crafted a tender examination of love in the shadow of shame. An enigmatic dive into the pain and pleasure of finding affection in another man through the constrictive confines of emotional isolation, All of Us Strangers excels on so many levels.

The premise: forty-something Adam (Scott) meets Mescal’s twenty-something Harry, and the pair begin a love affair that has Adam revisiting his childhood home and conjuring up the ‘ghosts’ of his dead parents. And no, that’s not a spoiler, it’s just the opening scenes of a film that examines a love affair between two gay/queer men of disparate ages whose very different life experiences have brought them unexpectedly together. What happens next? Well, that’s for you to discover in a movie theatre near you. Essentially, All of Us Strangers is one of the most enthralling films of the 21st century to explore British gay identity, and Scott delivers quite possibly the performance of his career to date, one that dances between visceral suffering and emotional vulnerability.

Here, Scott talks to Attitude about bringing his character Adam to life on screen, working through shame, and the power of sex as a means of communication.

Cliff Joannou: A good place to start is to say that I really related to the film. I grew up in Croydon not long after director Andrew Haigh did, so the environment and era that it was set in really resonated with me.

Andrew Scott: You’re joking me.

For real. Even that shot with you as your character Adam walking through the Whitgift Shopping Centre, I was like, ‘Oh, that’s a little bit close to home.’ That’s exactly what it looked like when I was a kid. What resonated most with you in the story? For me it was very much the setting and location, being a young child in the UK after the worst of the AIDS crisis.

I suppose it was the dynamics within the relationships, that was what I found most authentic. And there’s two storylines within the movie, and both of them I found to be really, really beautiful and very actable. The scenes between Adam and his parents are genuinely extraordinary. And what’s so lovely is when I was in LA after the film had come out, and audiences had started to see it, and I’m really getting such a strong sense that people really do appreciate the nuance of the film.

I think the chief value of the film, for queer audiences particularly, is that it recognises that the dynamic within families isn’t always necessarily as dramatic, perhaps, as it is portrayed sometimes in stories about coming out, in the sense that it’s not fully embraced acceptance and nor is it outward rejection, but for a lot of queer people it’s somewhere in between, so that brutality and intolerance and doubt can exist alongside real love within families.

Absolutely. I like how frank the conversations are between Adam and his parents. I also like how early the conversation about Adam’s sexuality comes up with his parents.

What I love about that scene is that he doesn’t want to come out to his mum, he doesn’t want to have a coming-out scene. He’s a man in his forties, and he’s lived a life on his own for 30 years, so he wants to tell her about himself, and that includes, of course, him being gay, so he tries to be offhand about it, but also, I think my challenge was to show that he deeply cares what she thinks as well. And when she starts to be loud and wrong and reveals some prejudice in her questions, it enrages him.

But I think that exists alongside a real deep need for her to accept him, too. I think that scene is just so beautiful because it’s something, of course, that he’ll have thought about given the fact that he lost his parents 30 years ago. One of the things that I find really moving is when people talk about having lost their parents and never having come out to them before they died. I’ve talked to 60-year-old men who say, “I never got to do that.” And I think that really takes up a lot of people’s time.

Did you discuss with Andrew [Haigh] any of Adam’s wider backstory or did you create one for yourself? Where had he been in that time in between?

Not with a huge amount of detail because I suppose I thought of what benefit was that going to be. There were certain things I sort of thought about a little bit, but my biggest challenge, and all of our challenges, was to make those scenes as authentic as possible. We shot in Andrew’s childhood home, and that was such a brave thing for him to do. And I felt very much that if I were to think about any backstory, I wanted to think about my own; I wanted to bring my own stuff. To bring not necessarily my own biography, because it differs a huge amount from the character’s, but certainly my own emotional biography, as I call it.

It feels like such an extraordinary privilege to be able to play a character like this. And I wanted to give as much of myself because it was cathartic for me. I never thought that I would be able to watch a film like this, let alone be at the centre of it, so I wanted to be able to take that opportunity to express myself in some way. Why pick an imaginary backstory from somewhere else? I wanted to bring as much of myself as I could, because I feel like that’s what the audience is going to relate to the most.

There’s a bit early in the film when Adam meets his parents’ ‘ghosts’ for the first time, and he says, “Everything’s different now.” It’s such a powerful line as it highlights the character’s inability to let go of the past because doing so means he has to confront his present unhappiness.

Yes, exactly. Well, I suppose one of the best things that you can do as an actor is to say things to feel one thing but to say something else. That’s always what you want as an actor. A lot of the real interesting lines in the film are where people are saying one thing but meaning something else. When Adam says, “Everything’s different now,” I’m not sure that he fully believes that. He believes it in some way. But one of the things that I really love about the story is when Paul’s character of Harry talks about his estrangement from his family and he’s somebody who’s in his twenties.

I’m not sure the generational difference between Adam and Harry is the most interesting thing about the film. I think one of the big changes, of course, is the presence of Aids, when Adam would’ve been growing up. I certainly know that the shadow of Aids was very looming when I was growing up in the nineties. And, of course, that’s going to affect the way we think about sexuality in the sense that we’re going to feel like we’re going to be punished for being physical or for expressing love.

There’s another impactful moment where Adam says, “I thought if I fucked anyone I’d die.” It took me a while to get my head out of that space and allow my sexuality to be something that I enjoyed and recognise that it was not a threat to my life. How was your journey to finding peace with your sexuality?

Oh, it’s one of the wonderful things, the emancipation from that. I feel so incredibly… I suppose I just enjoy being gay so much on so many levels, I think it’s such a wonderful thing to me. It’s an extraordinary gift to my life and just to be able to see the real beauty in being gay is completely wonderful. The older I get, just the more I feel so lucky to have been born gay and that pervades my life in the sense of all my friendships. I have so many amazing queer friends in my life now that I just adore.

What’s very sad for some of us is that we avoid those kinds of people when we are shredded in our own shame. To be around other gay people highlights something that you don’t want to see, but when you do want to see it, it becomes completely wonderful. I feel such a huge sense of camaraderie with other queer people now, and without sounding too hippy about it, I feel like I just want to spread that love and positivity in our community because we’ve come such a long way, and it’s important that we are kind and look out for each other and celebrate how uniquely different and how fucking wonderful that can be.

That’s beautiful. I remember when I was younger and less comfortable in my identity, I avoided going to Pride, I felt it was a little bit too in my face. Now as I get older, I go there with my nieces, and we watch the parade, and there’s a tremendous sense of healing that comes with being around the community. And the broader the community gets, the more all these letters in that ever-expanding acronym stand out, the more beautiful it gets.

When I see two people of the same sex holding hands walking down the street, I’m like a little weirdo. I’m smiling at them. They’re like, ‘What’s that dude smiling at us for?’ Because I just think it’s so wonderful. It’s easy what you say about everything is different now. It’s something that I always feel when people say, “Oh, it’s 2024, you’ve got to get with the times.” I always find that preposterous because, and I mean this so vehemently, that different forms of sexual identity and gender identity have existed since the beginning of humanity. They have existed and will always exist until humanity ends. In 2084, they’re going to look back at us and think, ‘My God, those people were so old-fashioned.’ Sexuality, that’s not a fashion, it’s a natural state of being.

When I watch the relationship between Adam and Harry, there’s no point at which you feel like the sex scenes are being played for the audience’s titillation. It is one of those kind of rare sex scenes that actually drives the narrative forward, that it is important to the story.

Sex is just communication, isn’t it? It’s just physical communication rather than verbal communication. And what needed to be communicated is how I think we see Adam as somebody who hasn’t been touched by anybody or touched anybody in a long time, not just sexually, but he needs affection from his parents, and he needs love and sex and affection from his lover. And I think just seeing that tentativeness and the way Paul plays a character who’s a bit more sex-positive, so to speak… Their communication is really strong in that scene. I’m so proud of it. I really am because I feel like they represent the characters so beautifully.

How did you arrive at that point of playing those scenes in that way?

We didn’t over-rehearse it. We knew that those scenes, particularly the early ones, had to have a sort of frisson. And we had an intimacy coordinator, which can be very helpful for the simple reason that if you’re able to talk to somebody about your fears or what you want to show, what you don’t want to show, or what you think it should be and what the narrative of the storyline is, you have that base of safety. It actually makes you feel like you can do whatever you want. Because frankly, you just know that if there’s something that you don’t like, you’re contractually protected, and it won’t end up in the movie.

Andrew [Haigh] is really good. Sometimes when you do sex scenes, it can be like, ‘Oh my God, D-Day.’ And you are a bit nervous, of course, because you take your clothes off in front of strangers, but he’s like, “It’s just another scene,” so you don’t want to overdo it. But chemistry is a really interesting thing. You’re basically just listening to see what the other person is doing physically in the same way you would in a dialogue scene. And you can talk about that as much as you like, but until you’re actually there, it’s not alive in that way, so it’s just about listening, but just listening with your body, basically.

There’s a line in the film where Adam tells Harry, “Things are better now, but it doesn’t take much to feel the way that you felt.” Is there an instance where you remember, ‘Oh, that’s the first time I was made to feel shame?’

I don’t think that there is one particular point, but I do think if we could erase the assumption in our society that everybody is straight until proven otherwise, it would make an enormous difference to people. And by that, I mean that we don’t say to our six-year-olds, “You’re going to marry a princess, and have you got a girlfriend?” I remember when I was a teenager and people said, “Have you got a girlfriend?” I would say no, and I wasn’t necessarily lying, but you feel like you’re lying by omission.

For me, what happened is that you desexualise yourself slightly. And I think that what happens for a lot of teenagers is that there’s a conspiracy of silence around you, and that is a lonely place to be. And I think that’s where we become very hardworking, that we pour our energies into something completely different in order to correct what we imagine is a flaw in our character.

Some people go the opposite [way], where they become self-destructive; you can be super hardworking and incredibly ambitious, or you can just completely go off the rails. You think, ‘Well, I have been rejected, so I’m just going to go crazy.’ It affects our psychology in so many different ways. It may not necessarily be something that’s actually happened to us; it could be just forecasting what you think might happen, and that forecasting happens when we read about prejudice or other horror stories. The way the media talked about gay people when I was growing up was absolutely disgusting and fearmongering, and I still think we have to be very careful in not just the media, but in the way that we consume media and what we stand for. That we call out that kind of cruelty and intolerance. Language matters.

When we read the opposite, when we read positive things or see representation on screen, when we see ourselves, we think, ‘Oh, well, we can forge a way in the world.’ That’s why I think a movie like this, it is so incredibly important because it’s incredibly compassionate and tender, but it also doesn’t erase the fact that it’s painful and it can be lonely being gay. And there’s a certain thorny path that we all have to go to in order to find love, not just in another person, but in ourselves.

The clip from the Hollywood Reporter where you talk about the use of the term ‘openly gay’ went viral and has likely changed the way we refer to out queer actors in future forever. What went through your mind when you saw the reaction to that?

There’s something about that phrase that makes me uneasy about what it implies. Particularly now. You don’t put ‘openly ’in front of most attributes or characteristics. And I think we should maybe look at retiring it. And I know I’m not alone in that. The response to the clip reflects that. I do understand that historically we need a word to recognise the fact that there are sometimes people that are gay but for whatever reason aren’t able to be open about it. I totally get that. And so, I just feel the word ‘out’ does that. It’s just simpler. It does the job, and with less implications.'

[fairycosmos]

Girl it’s so embarrassing losing my mind over substance abuse. Hahahaha forced to quit bc of financial reasons and not because i want to is a whole other hell (: i am aware of my situation and truthfully do not care, it keeps me present, my mind is literally that vine of potato stringed up to the ceiling fan😡😡

hey that shit sounds like a hell i cant even begin to understand or articulate and im so so sorry you're going through it. think ppl often misunderstand the very relevant intersection between poverty/lack of funds and addiction and how extremely dangerous and insurmountably painful that can be - there's a lot i could and want to say but ultimately i know it will probably feel quite hollow where you're at right now. i guess i will say that it's ok to struggle like this - that while accountability is absolutely important - addiction is not a moral or personal failure and neither is not having the "right reasons" to let it go. this is something that is on a whole other level of hurt - emotionally, physically - it's absolutely insane. you do deserve to get better, to feel healthier, to feel less reliant on shit that is killing you, but i know that's a million times easier said than done. i just wanted to say it anyway and i hope one day you can internalise it, i hope you can move forward one way or another. whatever that looks like, however fucked it feels sometimes. i'm going to leave some links you might want to check out, or come back to at any time. you might not want to hear or see any of it, which i get. you might have a visceral reaction that screams it's fucking bullshit and not worth it and doesn't apply to you and all that. i still encourage you to try when you're able to, even if you want to tell everyone to fuck off and die the whole time. but until then, and even after, i am sending you so so much love and i absolutely mean it when i say you have a friend + someone to talk to here. proud of you always, please please take care. x

resource - resource - resource - resource - resource

[plaguery]

5, 10, 11, 16, and 19 for Pomene!

5. How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want?

weeeeell she already crosses multiple lines--against others and against herself-- just to operate as she's expected to; shes been molded basically since she was hatched to be downright invasive and betraying specifically toward her own ruthless caste. so its not much of a stretch for her to go to those same bloody and cruel lengths for her own aims.

what is complicated with her character though is that the idea of "getting what she wants" has been foreign to her for the bulk of her life, so "getting what she wants" has mostly meant changing the idea of what she wants into something that can be achieved through her sanctioned cruelty. what she really wants deep down has had to be suppressed and obscured and that has manifested in a "desire" to hurt herself and others. and ultimately, she finds herself ready to break the world itself to do this.

there are certain lines that she won't cross, even at her worst, but they're situational and few and far between. (the closer you get to her, the more likely there are to be lines that she wont cross but some still very much will be. being evil and rotten is her love language)

10. What's an AU that would be interesting to explore with your OC?

i cannot think of anything serious so im going to say grocery store au where its the most psychologically unnerving grocery store in the world. so naturally this would be a gentrification organic whole foods chain type store. i dont think she'd work there. but she is just drawn to the miserable aura and feels the call to haunt the fluorescent and unfeeling aisles

11. What is your OC's weapon of choice? Have they ever actually used it?

any bludgeoning weapon. her preference is more for makeshift, 'grab this random item and make it so' type weapons over something like a bat/club/baton that is meant to be used as a weapon. typically, this has been a huge and hefty pillar-like candle holder that she lifts to bash in a head but she can swing it as well.

she Has used it. its kind of her job

16. What is your OC's pain tolerance like?

(this is just her life and she is fine with it. i promise)

pomene's pain threshold is on the lower end but her tolerance is significantly higher through training. basically, you can hurt her but she typically wont react unless you're like. at torture level. it is possible to surprise her with lesser pain though (even if shes not reacting directly to the pain itself), since she's used to having the upper hand. the same applies emotionally.

19. How does your OC behave when enraged?

she has a flattened affect, so rage doesnt really translate to physical expression in expected ways. her rage also tends to mutate into wishy washier feelings. in these cases, she externally appears composed but internally is planning retribution. real, visceral rage is a difficult emotion for her to access and only really occurs once she is pushed to the very last of her limits.

her rage and her pain and her blood are one and the same, intertwined, and she literally lets it consume her and turn her into a monstrous abomination--she is the "revelation", the "whore" and the "beast" in one and the seven trumpets are her droning vengeful cries. i hope this helps <3

heres a pompomcore image to close this out

[thedaythatwas]

It's true! I can block out the pain! I don't feel any pain anymore!

I will never shut up about Sayaka Miki’s plotline in Madoka Magica for so many reasons, but one big one is because of the brilliant way it depicts Sayaka’s mental decline through her slow loss of her bodily autonomy, both metaphorically and symbolically, involuntarily and of her own free will. And I'm going to talk about it. Because that's what I do.

(This post contains spoilers for PMMM. The show has been out for over a decade so... Maybe watch it if you haven't!)

When Sayaka makes her deal with Kyubey, she isn't aware that she's signed away her soul. None of the magical girls are. Even still, she knows that she's signed away her life. She's committed herself to a life of fighting witches in which her personal wants and needs will always come second to her grand cosmic purpose. Homura has warned her that magical girls meet bad ends, and she's seen it herself– Mami is decapitated in front of her. Still. She does it. For Kyosuke's health. (Because she values his happiness and talent above her own life). (Oh Sayaka). (He wasn't worth it!) (I get it babe.)

From there, Sayaka's alienation from herself compounds fast. She learns that she can't fight with the level of skill that Kyoko or Homura can. She just doesn't have their potential. Unfortunately, she's stubborn. She's idealistic. She finds a way to hold her own despite her lack of ability, per Kyubey's advice: she wins fights by dissociating herself from her body, effectively blocking out the pain she experiences in combat. She uses her body as a means to her own ends, because to accept her shortcomings, or more accurately, the unfairness of the world, is unthinkable to Sayaka. Her overabundance of faith and her unwavering, bordering-on-blind determination are what make her human. They also spell her downfall.

Of course, this new strategy for winning fights isn't sustainable. It takes a toll on her body. Likewise, we see that Sayaka's physical deterioration is accompanied by a mental one. Sayaka gets weaker and weaker, and as she does, her soul gem becomes corrupted (which we can easily read as a stand-in for a magical girl's hope and faith in humanity).

Sayaka spirals. She fights with Madoka. She becomes visibly downtrodden, emotionless except for outbursts of anger, indignity, and rage. The way she's learned to fight both fuels and confirms her ever-waning sense of self worth: She is nothing if she can't kill witches. Still. She refuses to use grief seeds to get rid of the darkness that quite literally clouds her soul. To do so would be admitting everything that Sayaka has already decided that she won't. It would make her just like Kyoko. It would be surrender. And, like I said, she's stubborn.

The loss of Sayaka's autonomy is complete when she transforms into a witch. She loses her battle with her grief, and with it, she loses her selfhood. She becomes everything that she swore she never would. Evil incarnate.

Sayaka gives up her life and her body willingly, and her selfhood is ripped from her when she feels that she has nothing left to lose. The progression of Sayaka away from her humanity is slow and almost entirely self-facilitated. Sayaka dooms herself, and we see it in vivid detail.

I think it's telling that Sayaka is fated to become a witch in every timeline, without fail.

I know that this phenomenon isn't unique to Sayaka. How the girls' loss of autonomy and the pain that comes with it serve as both a price and cause of the deal they make with Kyubey is basically the thesis of the show, and it results from one of its most gripping plot twists. This idea is far from hidden.

Still, Sayaka in particular grips me on every rewatch. She exemplifies this idea so viscerally, I think, because of the realization she makes about the utility of her own pain. She turns her soulless body into a tool. None of the other magical girls do that to the extent that she does. It's horrifying, and it's deeply human. I think there's something important about it, or at least something I can resonate with. It's something that I take time to grieve.

(And the whole way down, as Sayaka is losing her hope, Kyoko is regaining hers through Sayaka... But THAT is a topic for another post!)