#i feel so loved and valued when i listen to it

[dejaruhe]

I have been watching old Eddie Izzard specials and can't see her as anything other than a woman now, even as she's joking "they're men's dresses because I'm a man". She is (thankfully thankfully thankfully 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻) alive to tell us we can still call her Eddie, but she likes Suzy, and she's a woman. I look at old Kurt interviews and really, I see it there too, even though Kurt didn't have the language to self-determine.

I'm cis. I played with they/them pronouns for a bit but I'm a woman. I'm tall and a theater kid and got cast in male roles a lot, I recently shaved my waist-length hair off and am having a new gender experience because of it. Still a woman. To me, the way that I am and have always felt like a woman is clear in trans women. I just see it! I don't know! They're just so obviously women!

This perception has not always been available to me. When I first started watching Ms. Izzard in the early 2000s as a teen, I 100% took her at face value when she said she was a man. It has taken me years of reading, listening to, and loving trans women (personally and parasocially, Margaret Killjoy is one of my very favorite writers and podcasters) to come to a point where I look at people and feel like I know. I, like OP, would never breathe a word about an alive person if they did not explicitly tell me — self-determination is vital and whatever inkling I think I have is irrelevant until I'm told otherwise. I'm not even claiming to have *good* eggdar (is that a term?), I do not go around looking for eggs. I do not see them often. I just. Have a sense when I have a sense. Kurt gave me a sense even before I read all of this post and now I've gotta say, I'm convinced. Oh, Kurt 💔 wish we could ask you.

Kurt Cobain Will Have His Revenge on the Straights

Had a video call with my brother Chuck the other day.  Things got heavy:

KATE: Was Kurt Cobain a trans woman?

CHUCK: What?

Kurt Cobain.  Rock musician.  He was in a band called Nirvana.

I’m familiar with him, yes.

Was he a trans woman?

Um.  No?

OK.  Why not?

I mean, he wasn’t.  It’s like asking why he wasn’t an astronaut.

He wasn’t an astronaut because he never went to space.  Why wasn’t he a trans woman?

Because he didn’t transition.  I mean, he didn’t ever say he was a woman, didn’t ever say he was trans.  So no.  Kurt Cobain wasn’t a trans woman.

So someone is trans if they say they’re trans.  Self-determination.

That’s what you’ve told me.  Is that wrong?

No, that’s right.  We know ourselves better than anybody else can know us.  If we say we’re trans, nobody can say we aren’t.

And Kurt Cobain never said he was trans.

So was I trans in 1994?

I don’t know, were you?

Yes, but if you’d asked me in 1994, I would have told you “no”.

So if I tell you I’m trans, I’m trans…

Right.

But if I tell you I’m cis, I might still be trans?

If you tell me you’re cis, I believe you.

That’s not the same thing as “I’m cis”.

That’s a really good point.  This is sort of what some queer people are getting at when they say “gender is a construct”.

Come again?

Well, you’re cisgender, right?

As far as I know, yes.

Aha.

Hmmm?

You hedged.  “As far as I know” isn’t the same thing as “yes”.  “As far as I know” opens up the possibility that you could be trans and not know it.

It doesn’t seem terribly likely.

That’s an interesting statement.  Early on in transition one of the biggest problems I had was dealing with the sheer unlikelihood of my being trans.  I mean, I knew trans people existed.  I knew somebody had to be trans.  I just couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that it would be me.

Do you think this is why you’re on this whole “Kurt Cobain was a trans woman” kick?

Hey now, I’m just asking questions.  You know.  Like J.K. Rowling is “just asking questions”.

Kate, you are literally wearing a T-shirt that says “KURT COBAIN WAS A TRANS WOMAN” on it right now.

Am I?  Oh, shit.  I thought I was wearing my “Skip school, take hormones, kill God” T-shirt.  To your question, though - yeah, I do think that’s part of it.  Honestly, the hardest thing about growing up trans was believing that nobody in the world had ever experienced what I was experiencing.  I didn’t have any role models.  I didn’t wonder if I was the only one.  I was convinced of it.

So being able to say that this incredibly gifted songwriter, the voice of a generation, was a trans woman like you…

I need someone like that.  I need to not be the first of my kind.

Of course you’re not the first trans woman.

No, but before a couple of years ago almost every trans woman would tell you they always knew, unquestionably and innately, that they were women.

So it’s not just about him being trans, but specifically his being a trans woman who didn’t know he was a trans woman.

An egg.  Right.

Why Kurt Cobain, anyway?  What’s so special about him that you’re trying to induct him into the Egg Hall of Fame?

He knew things.  Things cis guys don’t know.  Things I didn’t know until after I started transition.  He understood women, what we’re like, what we experience.  “Pennyroyal Tea”.  “Rape Me”.  I just have a hard time thinking of a cis man who could write songs like that.

It wouldn’t be the only way in which he was exceptional.

True.  Ahhh.  I don’t know.  I mean, I know, I can give you all the reasons, but there’s something in his eyes.

Something in his eyes.

All the pictures of him.  No matter what he’s doing.  If he’s grinning, or sad, whatever he’s doing, you can see something trapped there.  Trapped and in pain, wanting to get out but not quite knowing how.

Huh.  You, uh, know that what you’re doing is pretty much the textbook definition of projection, right?

Maybe.  Chuck, do you think I’m happier?

Since you transitioned?

Yeah.

Of course.  Absolutely.  Night and day.

Everyone says that, and honestly, I see it.  Even in pictures, you know?  I see it.  You’ve seen some of my transition timelines, right?

You do look really different.

It’s not just me.  Every single person who transitions looks like that.  We look so much happier, so much more alive, so much more us.  I don’t understand how anybody can hate us.

I don’t get it either, Kate.

And when I look at any timelines, I look at the before photos… and I see something in their eyes.  Transmasc, transfem, doesn’t matter.  There’s something trapped wanting to get out.  Every picture I’ve ever seen of Kurt Cobain looks like the “before” picture on a transition timeline.  It’s just that with him, there aren’t any after pictures.

And it’s not just the eyes, either.  The way he dressed, the whole “grunge look”.  It’s just literally egg fashion.  We dress with total disregard for our appearance or how we look because no matter what we do it’s wrong.

“Egg fashion”, egg this, egg that… isn’t it a little bit anachronistic, judging him by 2022 standards, 2022 values?

Is it?  Chuck, I was alive in 1994.  I was an 18 year old egg.  I know what that feels like.  I know what that looks like.  I lived that.  Why didn’t I come out as trans in 1994?  Because I didn’t have the opportunity.  Because self-determination needs to be informed, and none of us were.  None of us.  Look.  You know what he said to Melody Maker in 1991?  “I knew I was different. I thought that I might be gay or something because I couldn't identify with any of the guys at all.”  That’s what he said.

Holy shit.  Really?

Really.  September 14, 1991.

Hold on, let me look that up.  Oh, yeah, I see it.  Look, if you look at the full quote he’s just saying he’s not a jock.  Like he didn’t fit in with the jocks. 

Well, what about the dresses?

What dresses?

Kurt Cobain wore a lot of dresses.  Like, a lot, both onstage and off.  On MTV in 1991, he said “It’s ‘Headbanger’s Ball’ so I thought I’d wear a gown.”  He said in a 1993 interview, “I personally like to wear dresses.  I wear them around the house sometimes.”  This is not some shameful secret he kept hidden from the world.  He was open about this.  He was proud about this.

Yeah, but… it’s just clothes.

Except it’s not just clothes.  Listen to his songs.  Listen to his lyrics.  “Should have been a son”.  “I’m a lady, can you save me?”  “Everyone is gay.”  The original lyrics to “All Apologies” from his journals – “Boys write songs for girls.  Let me grow some breasts.”

I mean they’re song lyrics.  There are all kinds of ways to interpret song lyrics.

Sure.  All kinds of ways.  You ever read Michael Azerrad’s biography of Cobain, Come As You Are?

Nope.

Azerrad spent weeks talking to Cobain.  He was Cobain’s biographer, but also his friend.  And he has his own interpretation of the lyrics.  For instance, Azerrad talks about all the lyrics about guns, and to me, now, I look at that, and I think of how he died, but Azerrad, when Kurt was alive, he looked at it another way.  He thought it’s about dicks.  “To paraphrase Dr. Freud,” he says, “sometimes a gun is just a gun.  But not this time.”  He talks about “Come As You Are”, where Kurt keeps singing “I swear I don’t have a gun.”  That’s not my interpretation.  That’s never been my interpretation.  That’s what this cis man says.  More than one cis man.  Kurt says Dave Grohl’s dad, he said the same thing.  Yeah.  There are all kinds of ways to interpret lyrics.

“By this time,” Azerrad wrote, “one begins to wonder how Kurt rationalizes being a man at all.  His first response is revealing.  ‘I don’t know,’ he says.  ‘Castration.’”  I don’t wonder how Kurt rationalizes being a man.  I rationalized “being a man” in all kinds of ways.  What strikes me is that he needed to rationalize being a man.  Had to come up with some kind of excuse.  It just strikes me kind of funny.

Kurt’s songs have meanings.   The lyrics to “In Bloom”, Kurt was pretty explicit about that.  The lyrics he wrote have meanings.  “Heart-Shaped Box”.  You know what that refers to?  When Courtney Love was flirting with Kurt, Michael Azerrad says in Come As You Are, “She gave Dave (Grohl) a package to give to Kurt – little sea shells and miniature teacups and a tiny doll, all packed into a small heart-shaped box.”  A tiny doll locked away inside a box shaped like a heart.  That was what I felt like before I came out.  A tiny phantom doll.  Kurt and Courtney first kissed after a show at the Cabaret Metro in Chicago.  Rumor was that they fucked against the bar, but they denied it.  What actually happened, Azerrad says, is that “Courtney had a bag of lingerie with her for some reason and Kurt ended up modeling the contents.”  And then they went to Kurt’s hotel room and they fucked.

You’re making it sound…

Maybe it was.  Because you look at that and you think that if it was like that, it was perverted and wrong, because that’s what you were told, that it’s a sick fetish thing, and I look at it and it isn’t.  To me, that’s normal.  That Kurt Cobain was sexually aroused while wearing Courtney Love’s lingerie, that’s normal.

Kate, he was a punk!  He hated jocks, and wearing a dress pissed off jocks, so he wore dresses.  He talked about wanting to wear a dress and piss on a redneck A&R man’s desk!  You think that was some kind of sex thing?

Sexuality is part of being a woman.  Part.  Rage – and Kurt Cobain had a lot of rage inside him – that’s another part.  Am I interpreting, am I looking at things from my perspective as a trans woman?  Yes, certainly, just like you’re interpreting, looking at it from your perspective as a cis man.  When cis people interpret things, their conclusion is never “they were trans”.  Never.

Ed Wood wasn’t a trans woman.  He was just a transvestite.  He was a man.

Pete Burns from Dead or Alive wasn’t a trans woman.  Sure, he got all sorts of feminizing surgeries, but he never said he was a woman.  Man.

Prince Nelson adopted a female persona, feminized his voice, and recorded a song about wanting to be a woman's girlfriend, but he was also a Christian and believed that being queer was wicked and sinful, and that's the identity of his we need to respect.  Man.

Richard Wright, who wrote the Phish song “Halley’s Comet”, spent most of the 1980s telling everyone he knew he was a transsexual lesbian named Nancy, but after being consistently treated like shit changed his mind about that, so none of that counts for anything.  Man.

Dave Carter was on HRT when he died, but he was just questioning.  He didn’t tell anybody for sure that he was a woman.  Man.

Quentin Crisp said just before he died that if he was younger, he absolutely would have transitioned, but wanting to transition isn’t the same as actually transitioning.  Man.

All men.  Always, always men, whatever they do, whatever they say.  I know how that works.  I was told all these same things about myself for decades, all these same reasons, and now, I don’t know, I guess people will make a personal exception for me, but for everybody else, the same old assumptions, the same old arguments, they still apply.  They’re still legitimate.

I thought we were talking about Kurt Cobain.

And the only way to do that is to talk about him in isolation.  There’s no larger context to consider, no bigger picture.  I can’t really know.  I can’t really judge.

I mean, everybody else does.  I guess I can’t tell you not to.  But all of this circumstantial evidence, all of the dresses and the lyrics that you I guess know the real meaning of – none of that makes him a girl.

Sure.  And nothing can make him a girl.  Because he’s dead.  Because he killed himself.

Oh, here we go.  After thirty years and countless speculation, you have at last uncovered the real reason Kurt Cobain killed himself – gender dysphoria.  Do you have a book deal yet?

Working on it.  And yes, people say a lot of stupid things about Cobain’s death, like it’s this big shock that this guy who hated himself and wanted to die killed himself.

Right.  He was pretty well-known for being a heroin addict, which isn’t exactly something that improves one’s quality of life.

Sure, but why did he start heroin?

I don’t know.  Why does anybody start heroin?

To help him cope with his eating disorder.

Wait, what?  Eating disorder?

You don’t know about that?  He had stomach problems, for a long, long time.  He could only eat certain kinds of food, certain kinds of food that wouldn’t make his stomach hurt.  Doctors looked but they could never find any organic cause for it.  Nobody took it seriously.  So he self-medicated with heroin.  “It was my choice,” he told Azerrad.  “I don’t regret it at all because it was such a relief from not having stomach pain every day.”  I know, though.  Lots of cis guys have eating disorders.  Doesn’t mean anything.

Kate there’s a lot of interpreting going on here.

Yeah, I guess there is.  Is that necessarily a bad thing, though?  Is that necessarily wrong?  Like.  You’ve seen The Matrix, right?

Only the first one.

Yeah, that’s fine.  So you know how important The Matrix is to a lot of trans women, right?

Yes, but I’m not really sure why.  Just seems like a retelling of Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave” with extra fight scenes.

It’s pretty trans, though, right?

Clearly.  It was directed by two trans women.

And trans women who watch it – eggs or otherwise – find their own lives and experiences reflected in it in ways that cis people, like you, don’t.

I guess, but the fact that it was actually made by two trans women carries a little more weight with me.

OK, but what if the Wachowskis had died in 2000?  In, like… a car crash or something?  Does that mean The Matrix isn’t a trans film?

Well, no, because it’s still a film made by two trans women.

A film made by two trans women that speaks to the trans experience, and that is recognized by living trans women as speaking specifically to the trans experience.  The only difference is that, in this scenario, nobody knows the Wachowski Sisters are trans women.  And we can’t prove it.  We can’t possibly prove it, and nobody is going to just believe us when we say it’s a trans movie, that the Wachowskis were trans women, because they didn’t say it, they didn’t say the special magic words.  Self-determination.  You know what self-determination meant to Kurt Cobain?  I remember seeing Courtney Love on television reading his note, I remember her interrupting to say that he was an asshole, that what he was saying was bullshit.  She didn’t respect his self-determination.

Um…

“Pennyroyal Tea”.  Cobain told Azerrad “It's a cleansing theme where I’m trying to get all my bad evil spirits out of me and drinking Pennyroyal tea would cleanse that away.”  Pennyroyal is an abortifacient – but, Azerrad notes, only in lethal doses. 

Hell, not just that song.  The whole album.  In Utero.  The collage on the back cover, the one Cobain described to Azerrad as “Sex and woman and In Utero and vaginas and birth and death".  The occult symbols surrounding it, taken from Barbara G. Walker’s The Woman's Dictionary of Symbols and Sacred Objects1.  There was something inside Kurt Cobain, something inside him waiting to be born, but he was told, over and over, that it was a monster, so he killed it, the only way he could.  By killing himself.

That could have been me.  That could so easily have been me.  I was told all the same things he was.  We all were.  When I was 27?  When I was 27, I was addicted to benzos, benzos they prescribed me because I was trying to bury, trying to kill this thing, this thing I had inside of me.  I was a zombie.  Walking dead.  When I quit, I quit cold turkey.  Nobody told me about the withdrawal syndrome.  Nobody told me it could have killed me.  And if it had, everybody would remember me, everybody would think of me, as a cis man.  Forever.  They would perpetuate the Lie.  That’s why I transitioned, why I chose to go through all the shit I went through.  The writer and musician Margaret Killjoy, in 2017 she talked about what she went through the day before she came out:

“All I could think was: ‘Oh god, I don’t want to die a boy.’”2

I felt the same way, came out for the same reason.  I figured no matter what I did, I was dead.  I didn’t do it live, but to at least have an honest death.  I genuinely believed transition would kill me.

It didn’t, though!  You’re alive and you’re beautiful and I’m so, so glad for that.  It didn’t kill you.

It could have.  Still could.  Transition has helped, has made it easier­ for me, but it’s not that way with everyone.  People have been kind to me, in ways that they aren’t kind to other trans women.  Others of us… aren’t so lucky.

Who are we respecting, exactly, by remaining silent about our shared experiences, our shared perspectives, things we see that you fucking don’t, that you can’t see?  Of course I can’t prove it.  I can’t prove that I’m trans.  You can’t prove that you’re cis.  Cis people, though, cis people never have to prove anything.  Their prejudices are the null hypothesis3.  If I was to go out there and say that Kurt Cobain was a cisgender man, would anybody say I was wrong?  Would anybody object or complain?  Even though my saying that is an anachronism, is meaningless.  The word, the concept, it literally didn’t exist when Cobain died.  Have you ever heard the word “agnotology”?

No?

It means making a false claim to ignorance.  Claiming that we don’t know something that we do.  That we can’t know something that we can.  We know things now, Chuck.  We know what the symptoms of gender dysphoria are.  We know what it does to people.  How eggs think.  How eggs act.  How eggs die.  But we pretend we don’t.  We still pretend.  We pretend suicide is an individual act, even when we know it’s not, that the reasons for it are wholly personal.  We pretend that when someone dies by suicide, their reasons for doing so die with them.  And they don’t, Chuck.  We’re still dying, still dying for the same reasons Kurt Cobain did.  It’s not just that we aren’t allowed to recognize ourselves.  We aren’t allowed to recognize each other.  Individual choice or social contagion.  Those are the options we’re given.  And neither of them are right.  Neither of them are who we are.

Kurt Cobain wrote, thought, talked, died like eggs do.  I don’t care if he never said the magic fucking words.  We know our own.  We recognize each other.  And if someone is alive?  If someone is alive I will go my whole life without ever breathing a word.  Because as long as we’re alive, we do choose, and that means we can choose ignorance.  What I think, what I want, for someone else, for us, it doesn’t matter.  I do that, I follow that code, for the benefit of one person – the egg themselves.  Once they die, all bets are off.  Omerta no longer applies.  Kayfabe no longer applies.

To be queer is to be erased, to experience erasure.  I still hear straight men arguing, as if they have any right to argue, as if they know, that Emily Dickinson was not a lesbian.  Emily Dickinson!  I’m supposed to listen to people who say this shit?  I’m supposed to take them seriously when they say well, actually, calling Dickinson a “lesbian” is historically anachronistic, we can’t apply the standards of the present to the past, and Jesus fuck have you read her letters?  She liked girls.  She really liked girls.  Kurt Cobain was a trans woman.  Kurt Cobain was every bit as much a trans woman as Emily Dickinson was a lesbian.  Refusing to say it isn’t “respect”.  It’s perpetuating the crime perpetrated against Cobain, against every other trans woman who ever killed herself because of the lies we were told about ourselves.  No more.  Kurt Cobain was a trans woman.  I can’t, as an individual, say that.  I don’t have the right.  No trans woman can say that, individually.  But collectively?  All of us together?  The things we see in each other, we see those things in him too.  Not all of them, and not all of us.  Absolutely not all of us.  But enough of us.  Enough that we have the right.  We have the right, and I will fucking say it, and if you don’t like that, you can go fuck yourself.

Kate, are you ok?

I’m fine.

Do you want a hug?

Fuck you, Chuck.

OK, well.  I’m, uh.  Gonna go to the other room.  You should, uh.  Drink some water.  Stay hydrated.  Love you, Kate.

Love you too, Chuck.  Sorry.

Shhh.  It’s OK, Kate.  It’s OK.

1 Diane Purkiss criticizes the occult nature of Walker’s encyclopedia in "Women's Rewriting of Myth", in Carolyne Larrington (ed), The Feminist Companion to Mythology, London, 1992, p. 444: “In Donna Haraway's influential terms, these women may wish to be goddesses, but they are cyborgs all the same”. The work she’s referencing is Haraway’s “A Cyborg Manifesto”.  Haraway was, it happens, an academic advisor to the trans woman Sandy Stone, and her “Cyborg Manifesto” was a pivotal influence on Stone’s “The Empire Strikes Back: A Post-Transsexual Manifesto”, one of the foundational works of transgender theory.

2 Margaret Killjoy, https://birdsbeforethestorm.net/2017/06/im-not-even-going-to-try-to-pass/

3 Natalie Reed, https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/

[alkelkha]

𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐊𝐄𝐓. chapter three

relationship — jinx/powder x fem!blk coded reader

contents&warnings! : wc: 2.7k | post season 2 | lower-case indented | fluff | angst and i'm not comforting you this ch | lowkey unreliable narrator (jinx) | sexual tension if you squint | swapping spit with candy | beach episode | reader is implied to have big boobs | author attempt to write bpd splitting | reader and jinx get into an argument | not everything is sunshine and rainbows, friendship takes work and patience | not beta read | yes i am making this up along i go | PLEASE GIVE ME IDEAS FOR FUTURE CHAPTERS |

❛❛ OF COURSE, WE'RE FRIENDS ❜❜

WEEK ONE

after the two of you ran until the sunset it was awkward from there. jinx felt guilty— which she knew she shouldn’t, but she couldn’t help it. she practically begged you to be her friend and now chickening out like a pussy every time you get close.

she didn’t know how to be a friend. what does she do? give you hugs? scary!

you on the other hand?

you got comfortable immediately, going to the shop every day, hanging out with her rambling, and asking questions on her latest projects. jinx tried doing the same but there was this twisty turny feeling in her stomach when she tried. she was scared of how you would react.

she wants this. she wants your friendship, she needs it.

maybe it was because she finally cared what someone thought of her. someone that wasn’t silco or vi or isha.

she had to be vulnerable. 

fortunately, you didn't have any of it. you were the type of person to confront the problems ahead. communication was important to you which jinx hated, but appreciated simultaneously. it was beyond uncomfortable. at least it told her how much you valued this friendship between the two of you. you were willing to work things out.

“what does this device do?” your hand ran over the contraption, and with one move, you were covered in glitter. you slowly turned to jinx, looking at her with a deadpan, “don’t laugh—“

jinx nearly falls off her seat from laughing.  

this was painfully new to jinx. being called a ‘friend’, calling someone else her ‘friend’ was treading on unknown territory.

the way bubbles that formed in her heart the day she said yes burst every time you smiled at her as she ranted. that was sweeter than any candy you've given her.

you listen to her when she talks. you laugh at her dumb jokes. you walk with her around the plaza. you stay with her while she works on one of her (harmless) gadgets when you don’t have work. 

she was starting to understand the hype around having a friend. who knew sharing meals with someone made food taste even better? having a friend meant she could talk for hours on end and be met with a voice that wasn’t tearing her down.

is she doing it right? maybe. she isn’t sure herself.

grabbing a cloth, you wiped down your face. it didn’t help much. powder’s laughter wasn’t any help either. 

“you’re helping me clean that up, sprinkles.” powder tosses you a broom with a grin on her lips.

WEEK TWO

stalking your friend is totally normal. there’s nothing wrong in making sure your friend gets to work safely, especially when there’s a gang after her. besides, is it really stalking if she’s hiding in plain sight? she just so happened to blend in with the colorful scenery of flosnum. much like herself, flosnum loves colors.

pink and orange powder that you can get from kicking plot plants. beautifully painted murals. colorful homes. it was a colorblast.

and just like the good friend she is, she knows your schedule by heart!

you wake up around seven am, ready for the day at about eight-thirty, do a bunch of random stuff after that, and show up at her house or shop at eleven am to hang out. on weekends and wednesdays, you work the afternoon shift. mondays and fridays are your days off. the rest you work at night.

you can't blame her for it, she has no idea what she would do if you got hurt. she’s finally settling down, and that took 10 mental breakdowns.

sometimes, while following you, she'll get distracted and end up at the ice cream truck. after trying out all the poor old man could offer, cotton candy became her favorite.

what was she doing again? oh yeah!

your work was demanding, which is odd because she’s been at bars. hell, she grew up at one. she knew what they were like, and it certainly wasn't supposed to be what you were doing. she had never seen a bartender work so hard. powder was pretty sure the job wasn’t supposed to be this intense. 

SEVEN CHIMES was just like its home flosnum with a mature air. paper lanterns that would illuminate a variety of colors and shadows of white stars on the ceiling some days. weekends it would be packed and that was one of those days. 

you were exactly the same while you worked. the customers loved you. even if they were drunk, the only type of handsy they would get is an arm swing around your shoulder. 

your coworker, stella is what you called her, kept your eyes on you a bit too long. stella’s eyes trailed your body up and down before meeting powder’s.

they locked eyes. 

with a smirk, stella broke the contact eye.

.

.

.

okay, what the fuck was the smirk about?

powder slumps down in her seat from the corner of the bar. she already knew she wasn’t going to like her. who the hell did that girl think she was? does she want to fight? because powder will! feeling her eyes twitch she looked down to slip on her pink fuzzy drink.

“baby blue?”

jinx's eyes shot up to the voice. it was you! in all your glory, the blue light hitting your pretty dark skin, wearing that smile the same way you wore the stupid bronze turtle necklace around your neck. pretty.

after she was done checking you out a frog got fixed in her throat. she's been caught. wait! it’s not the end of the world yet. she could just brush it off as a simple visit! perfect plan.

“why did you tell me you were here?” you sit down on the opposite side of the table as her. “stella told me 'a certain blue-haired girl' had been 'keeping her eyes on me.'”

ohhhh, so that’s why she smirked.

snitch.

“just wanted a drink.” powder shrugs and keeps sipping down her drink. 

“you could’ve said hi, ya know? now i feel bad for you sitting here all alone.” you frown.

“you say that like i’m going type of loner!” powder scoffs. you raise an eyebrow as if you’re saying ‘are you not?’.

she furrows her brows, “i am not!” she defended herself.

“i never said—“

“you were going to!” 

you leaned back and sighed. that struck something in jinx. she’s got you annoyed.

shit.

now you were probably thinking of breaking it off with her and never seeing her face again. she should’ve known. she shouldn’t have gotten attached. “I’m sorry—“

“come on blue,” you interrupt her, getting out of your seat. “my shift just ended, and i’m starving!” you take her cold hand in your warm one, pulling her out of the bar.

WEEK THREE

blue was mysterious— was.

this girl bounced off walls. no filter. talks back to old mean people who gave you a hard time. she had to be constantly doing something or doing nothing. no in-between. you adapted to it.

she's unlike anyone you’ve ever met. 

the shop you gave her? now her hideout. she completely renovated it in her own style. remember that broken illuminating sign? now the sign had no words it was a…

monkey?

you think it was. you saw it often in her work. you’re guessing it was her signature. 

you liked moments like this. standing behind her, brushing her short hair mindlessly. her hair grew really fast, it was almost to her shoulders now.

jinx tinkered on the glitter bomb that exploded in your face three weeks ago. her tongue stuck out the corner of her mouth in concentration.

it was odd. her hair. not that it was bad, she somehow pulled it off amazingly, but you can’t help but think that this was a recent cut. “why did you cut your hair this way?” you asked.

she pauses her work and looks up, leaning back in her chair to get a better look at you. “what, don’t like it?” your heart jumped at the sight of her.

she was so cute. wide pink eyes, blue eyeshadow, dark lipstick, and glitter stains on her face. 

“no, just curious,” you spoke softly. powder’s eyes trail away from you as she thinks about whether she should answer your question.

in the meantime, you noticed some dark grease on the corner of her mouth. it was nagging at you, she was dangerously close to eating it if she were to lick her lips.

taking your thumb you lick it and then wipe it off of her. the action caused her to scrunch up her face a bit but she didn’t pull away. “it was a weakness.” she answered your question, “my hair was wayyy too long, practically dragged it on the ground.” she shrugged still looking up at you. 

“plus, i needed some change.” jinx made her hand into a gun and slowly raised it up to you, “pow.” she pretended to shoot you. 

“shooting me now?” your voice amused, raising a brow at her.

“you should’ve dodged it,” she shrugs, looking back down to her work. she set it down on the workbench and spun her chair around, “now you’re dead,” she got up from her seat to get another tool. "sucker."

“i thought you liked me!” you grumble, her back was now turned to you. 

“just a little.” she plays into it and turns around. 

her eyes widened to see you point a sucker to her head, with a smirk on your face, “now, you’re dead.”

“oh, so that’s how you wanna play, princess?” she puts her hand on her hip.

“you started it, cutie.” you unwrap the sucker, placing it in your mouth.

she narrows her eyes at you with a frown. a cute frown. you could tell she wasn’t really angry. she takes the sucker out of your mouth and places it in hers. 

your breath hitched. this should not be affecting you the way it is. the heat that coursed through your body went straight up to your face. jinx leaning closer didn’t help, you could envision her tongue swirling around the candy.

oh fuck.

WEEK FOUR

the warm softly grainy sand slipped between jinx’s toes as she stood barefoot on the beach. the beach was bustling. children darting around, teenagers around playing volleyball, and locals dancing to the music that filled the air.

she sits down on the blanket you placed down. “you’ve gotten tanner, blue.” you say as you just finished applying sunscreen on yourself.

she didn’t even know what sunscreen was until she crashlanded her. “you used to be a ghost, now look at you.” she wasn’t tan, she was still pretty fair, but she wasn’t as white as a ghost the first time she got here.

you sat on your legs in front of her with your hand lathered up with sunscreen. you slowly approached her giving her the time to pull away. she didn’t. you applied the sunscreen on her tattooed arms.

jinx didn't need you to do this. she could’ve done it herself, but your touch was nice…

also because of the view it was giving her. “now, where have you been hiding these bazongas!?”

"I've had these the whole time" you deadpan at her, get up and crawl away to the other side of the blanket.

"never out in the open like this!" she bursts out laughing at your reaction. “wait, wait! come back, pretty lady!” she grabs onto your wrist, pulling you closer. 

she was terrifyingly strong for someone so thin. “you’re no better than a man!” you yelp but don’t pull away (not that you could). 

“can a girl appreciate some beauty?” she huffs, wrapping her arms around your waist and pulling your back to her chest. “not my fault they’re right in front of me.” she pokes at them. jinx bit her lip to contain her laughter.

the clear blue water shimmered in the sun like it was a jewel. jinx clung onto your back, arms around your neck, and legs wrapped around your waist. fun fact! jinx can’t swim. “you’re such a baby.” you giggle, she puts her cheek on yours.

the both of you spent the time in the ocean teaching her how to swim or trying to kill each other by splash wars (you almost went blind because of her).

it was sunset. the both of you laid down on the blanket under you, looking up into the now pink sky. powder held onto your hand and you gladly held it with the same intensity.

“i like this, toots.” she turns her head to you but you don’t seem to notice. your eyes were fixated on the sky, you hand slightly loosened your grip.

your face drops into an annoyed expression, “i like this too.” foolishly you let out a tired sigh.

jinx's mind swirls.

she lying to you! she doesn’t mean it, do you see the way she replied? you’re such an idiot for trusting her. she’s probably only hanging out with you out of pity.

jinx shook her head, “you sure? you don’t sound like you did.” her voice offended.

you finally looked back at her. “sorry, baby blue. i’m just tired—“

she scoffs. “tired? tired of me? i thought we were having fun!” she sat up.

taken aback by her reaction you quickly backtracked what you said. you didn’t want to make this any worse. you got up to level with her, “no, no. of course not tired of you. i love hanging out with you, baby blue.” with that you seemed to get through to her, her face relaxed.

she’s tired of you. she’s tired of you. she’s tired of you. she’s tired of you. she’s tired of you. she’s tired of you. she’s tired of you. she’s tired of you.

jinx’s jaw clenches. why would you be tired of her? that doesn’t make sense! she’s made sure you had fun this whole time. yeah, at the beginning of your friendship, she chickened out a bit but you forgave her. yeah, she would pull stupid pranks but you love them. so why would you be so rude?

she looked into your warm eyes. “you’re lying to me!” she rips her hand away from yours. why are you lying to her? jinx’s eyebrows furrowed, jaw tensed and her forehead held creases.

“i’m sorry, blue. i just got stressed—“

“if you were stressed why would you come here in the first place? if you’re not having fun just say so, you didn’t have to fake it and lead me on the whole day.” she stood up and you did the same.

“what?” like an idiot, you laugh at the situation happening right now. ���i never said all of that. honey, if you let me finish my sentence you would understand.”

now she’s laughing at you, she’s not even trying to hide it!

“shut up!” jinx shouts and you quickly pipe down. her breath came out in heavy pants. hands trembling over her ears. her mind was in overdrive. she was thinking about everything. about how you hate her. about how this was doomed from the start.

she should’ve known, no way someone would actually want a genuine connection with her. it’s not like you could ever understand her.

she points her finger out accusingly, “you think this is a laughing matter? you think i’m a joke!” 

your voice got caught up in your throat. this was insane. she was insane. she was just making up things on the spot to play the victim. you suck in a breath and shake your head. “what’s wrong with you?”

those words left like a gunshot to her heart. 

told ya.

jinx. 

not that you had to work hard to get to this point. wasn’t like she liked you to begin with.

hot, frustrated tears welled up in her eyes, her nails dug into the palm of her hand, letting blood drop freely onto the blanket under the two of you. an uncomfortable silence hung in the air, thick and stifling.

her glare at you intensified, a flicker in her pink eyes of… betrayal? a step back, followed by another, soon, she left you alone on the beach.

this was a mistake.

TAGLIST: @millie2point0 @powderbomb-jinxed @velvetinkbym

[mcytegg]

Ash: I genuinely don't understand why you left Lala, and then left the Foundation like immediately. It can't just be because Minute killed you, that makes no sense.

Ro: I wasn't wanted.

posting the clip bc it genuinely makes me feel unwell but i also want to yap abt how insane ash and ro's entire convo makes me feel. like in this clip alone, the silence from them BOTH after ro says he wasn't wanted was so loud.

cause like earlier in the vod ro tells zam that although ash was one of his day 1 teammates, it was more against his will then not. like he felt like it was forced and more like ash's underling then his teammate. so him not actually feeling like he was part of the lala legion was obviously an issue that had roots from the very start, and these feelings only worsened and grew until eventually he ended up leaving the team AND the foundation (who only made his feelings of being unwanted and unvalued as Himself worse) to join the players, who actually seemed to genuinely want him on their side.

even AFTER he fucks up massively and ends up accidentally killing bacon w the arrow cannon instead of literally any of their enemies, they still want him there. despite their frustration and anger at him, he is still someone they want by their side. they don't kick him from the team or kill him like the foundation did the moment he fucked up, they accepted that he made a dumbass mistake as Their teammate and they dealt w the consequences of it and figured things out together.

bc he was more than just another person fighting by their side!! hes an idiot but he is THEIR idiot teammate roshambogames who they wanted to fight alongside them and thats what mattered most to him. feeling accepted and cared for by the people intent on ending the server in spite of his flaws and mistakes meant so much more to him then being w the people trying to protect it who only rly saw him as what he could Provide for them as a spare loyal member of the team.

and ro's convo w ash rly only confirmed to him that he was never valued as anything more than another teammate in the lala legion or the foundation bc ash Immediately disregards ro's words and calls it bs. and whats crazy is that ro was incredibly confident and sure of himself during their convo until ash started digging into him— calling him selfish and nothing but a violent person looking for an excuse to kill people and cause chaos. ash never seems to actually Listen to what ro has to say, he hears what he wants to hear, he berates ro yet begs for him to come back in the same breath. it was only after ash began doing this that ro began ro falter and lose some of his confidence, and its after ro begins to sound more uncertain that zam immediately gets clown to message ro to get out of there.

i assume it was zam bc clown was too busy hunting jumper to pay attention to ro's yaps w ash, and bacon nd zam were both watching it go down. and after rejoining the call, ro almost immediately gets his confidence back and all of the uncertainty he began to show bc of ash's words went away. they found jumper very shortly after ro rejoins which is also when zam and bacon start encouraging ro and boosting his confidence as well, making sure that he feels just as valued as clown is in this fight.

which is very 🥹🥹🥹 bc i'm growing attached to the players in general but it also feeds into my love for drastics too bc it rly does confirm to me that zam is probably the person (behind mapicc ofc) who makes ro feel most confident and comfortable w himself bc he understands ro better than most, and makes the effort to support him in the ways he needs to be supported so he feels seen and cared for.

[fangsandfeels]

I gained the next level of appreciation for how well Dragon Age 2 understood trauma, the ugly side of it.

I don't blame Fenris. I understand why after enduring years and years of abuse, humiliation, having your autonomy, your memories, everything that constituted you including your own name stripped away from you, you have no empathy for anyone reminiscent of your abusers - especially if nobody came to save you in the end and you are the only one fighting for your life and freedom. I understand why upon hearing how someone (who reminds you of your abusers) suffers unfairly, the only thing you can say is "Good" - and lash out at anyone trying to tell you off for it. Where all these fucking preachers were when you were suffering? Why even in the land that is supposed to be different from your own hellhole, your word and your experience still don't matter?

I don't blame Anders. I understand why after being betrayed by your own parent, after the decades of listening how you must suffer for the sin of being born, being confined to isolation, being treated like a monster while being a child, being denied the simplest of comforts, you fiercely defend people who share your abilities - because nobody else would ever look out for you and them. Of course you would clash even with someone who has legitimate reasons to be negative towards people like you because your own wounds sting more than their pain. You have dealt with the Chantry's vile propaganda for so long, you no longer take things at face value. Of course, Chantry would say that the foreign land where mages rule is foul, and corrupt, and full of blood magic and demons! So many times rumors, lies, and twisted religious depictions have been used to abuse, lobotomize, and enslave you, you're no longer letting it happen - and you only believe what you see and hear. And all you see around is injustice and indifference. And you're only the one screaming into the void, raging against the horrors everybody else is willingly blind to.

I don't blame them both for losing their mind in their own ways while the rest of the group silently wondered why they couldn't just be normal.

Personally, I don't think there was any chance for them to become friends or make peace during the events of the game. The "I suffered so I don't want anyone to suffer like I did" or "I'm a bigger person" are pretty lies and half-truths at worst. At best, they are mindsets only possible after someone who suffered finally feels safe and can be out of their survival mode. Which is not really true for Fenris and Anders, even during the final act of the story.

Even on high friendship or romance, Anders is still self-destructive, ready to die at Hawke's hands after launching his plan in motion. Even with a friend/lover at his side, he is alone in his head, in his vision of the world, in his pain.

Even with proper support and help, it takes Fenris three years to accept a relationship, but it doesn't change his perspective and if you don't have enough of his trust, you lose him to his trauma-based response.

I may be overthinking it, but I am truly thankful to the game for not toning down the complex, hard and uncomfortable aspects of trauma. People have always been in love with the concept of the perfect victim (who hates only "the right" bad guys and suddenly knows when to be tolerant, nice and accepting and doesn't say any rancid and hateful shit ever), but it became particularly aggravating lately.

[lovebunnie]

i dont get people who dont like s1 jayce. imagine you were about to watch your own mom die and die yourself as a child but youre saved by someone who you never meet again and he gives you the key that saved you. and then you spend years of your life dedicated to trying to bring that magic back, trying to help others the way you were helped. you put every once of yourself into your work so much that you dont sleep and you dont eat and you start to hallucinate and you have no friends because you just need to get this to work. it consumes you completely and you cant tell people about it because youre not even supposed to be doing it so you carry it with you every day, the brace as a reminder of how someone saved your life and you can save peoples lives too if you just figure out how. you can do it, you sign your notes because you know you can do it, its so close. and then suddenly one random day your lab is broken into and there is an explosion that destroys your equipment and everyone finds out your life’s work and they look at every day of your life you’ve put into this and say you have to stop. all your life’s work, every night without sleep has gone to waste and no one will listen to you. your mother says youre unstable in front of all your superiors, they vote on your fate and even when you plead its not enough and your life’s work is taken from you. and you try to fight for it again, go to the people who have vouched for you your entire life who you see as a second family and they shun you, youre dangerous, leave us alone. you have no one, nothing left to work for, goals unaccomplished, you dont have access to your work and every note you took is going to be destroyed and so you try to just end it all because that work is you. youre nothing without this work. but before you can do it one person reaches out to you and agrees to hear you out, says your work has merit and if your work has value then so do you. and you both fly and its your work that has finally gotten the attention of others. theyre listening but they were so quick to run and hide before, you cannot allow them to see your mistakes. so you kiss up to the people who once wanted you expelled forever and when they cheer for you, it feels good because theyre happy with you. youre needed. you have merit. you have worth because of the work so to prove to yourself that you have worth you keep kissing their asses because theyre funding the work. you almost lost everything and you just wanted to save people, all youve wanted to do was help people. the work comes first. the work has to have merit because you are the work. they love the work so they must love you, they could never expel the man on the blimp. but you love your partner, he loved you first. and you want to do right by him but you just grew up different, you dont know what its like to grow up like he did but you never wanted to hurt anyone. you want to understand but you cant. you were okay as the face because you needed people to love you because those same people almost took everything from you. and it took cradling your partners dead body in your arms to realize that you dont need everyone to love you. you just need him to be okay, and it drives you crazy. you never asked for any of the politics or the parties or the titles or blimps. you just wanted to be with your partner, trying to understand the questions of the world. and once the stars collide you dont even need the work anymore. you just need him.

[gumisbwunni]

just thinking about the jjk guys getting you christmas presents...

cw: suggestive :)

───────────୨ৎ───────────

like ik Gojo would SPOIL you rotten, like your christmas tree would be STACKED with all the gifts he got you.

what did he get you?

anything youve ever laid your eyes on. Gojo is a good listener and observant, he'd take anything youve mentioned you wanted and add it to his notes app. And the best part is that youre alaays shocked when its an item you kentioned earlier in the year.

Now Nanami, ugh my mannn, i know hed be a good gift giver, though its not as extravagant as Gojo, he would maybe get you maybe like 5 gifts max? but they would all hold so much value.

He seems like the type to gift you a puppy or cat, or like an expensive necklace that hes worked sooo hard for, all that overtime means nothing to him, when sees the way uour eyes light up and your smile so big it makes his heart swell.

Mm next is Getooo, my other man, he'd definitely gift you things you need, like lets say you ran out of favorite perfume, but its too expensive for you at the moment so he'd definitely gift you it. Or maybe you're in need of a new bag or shoes, he wouldnt hesitate to gift them.

lets talk about Toji, hehe, mm id say he would try to save up for christmas but its hard for him :/ like he seems like hed rather give you wtv money so you can just buy what you want, or he'd walk into victorias secret to buy you cute lingerie for you (him)

ouu yesss, he loves buying you lingerie, its his favorite thing to do, bc he gets painfully hard imagining you wearing wtv skimpy thing he buys you.

Hmm, Sukuna, (im thinking of him in a modern au) mm youd def be his first girlfriend so he doesnt know what to get you, he finds it kinda dumb, but he doesnt want you to feel like he doesnt care, he does. He cares so much, that he will buy months prior just to make sure the things you want arent sold out and get on time. He cares so much, that he asks yuji to help him wrap the gifts. He cares SO MUCH, that he writes you handwritten letters, saying how much he loves and appreciates you.

Hm thinking about Megumi, since he didnt inherit his dad's gambling issues, he def have a good money saved up bc of gojo, i like to think gojo couldve given him an allowance, so hed probably gift you some sort of jewelry, or something you'd been wanting for a long ass time. Though hes not good at showing affection, he thinks he deserves the world and would gladly buy you anything youd want.

next up is baby Yuji, ugh hed def get u burr basket :( he'd get you face masks bc he knows how much u love them (he also loves them), he'll get you your favorite snacks, and some cute matching pjs and socks, he'd def write a cute little letter for you :(

He seems like the type to buy anything matching, he just loves it. So hell def buy you and him, matching grinch slippers, ouuu if ur into hello kitty or sanrio, he'd get you anything sanrio, from plushies, jewelry, to mugs. Hesss soo cute :3

[kazucee]

! WITH GENTLE HANDS TO HOLD.

(the gentle scholar who's completely smitten for you: soft/fluffy Veritas Ratio relationship HCs)

AN: the brainrot is hard with this one boys. Think of this as a pre-hc post before I post the Reca fic that I have yet to write the ending for. Also possibly ooc TT? IDC JUST GIVE ME SOFT DOWN BAD MEN.

The gentle scholar to your dismay has always been an early riser. Making it a habit to wake up before you and running through his morning routine like clockwork. You're not even surprised when you awake to the other side of the bed completely empty but the aroma of the breakfast he makes for you instantly draws your attention away from the lack of body heat (or lack of a body in general). Despite you constantly waking up cold you're always greeted by a warm delicious breakfast, a cup of coffee brewed just the way you like it, and him freshly showered and smelling of cedarwood and mint. He always makes it a point to eat breakfast with you (if he's not busy that is). Occasionally you'd try to wake up early with him, setting an alarm beforehand with the most obnoxious sounds to get you to wake up. Usually it doesn't work, waking up almost everyone in the entire galaxy except you. Unless you requested for him to specifically wake you up at this time, he'll always let you sleep in and let you wake up on your own accord. He finds your resting state oddly endearing and would often spend the first five minutes of his morning routine just admiring you.

He has found out that the most effective way to wake you up is through the simple act of kissing your forehead, something he does everyday without fail. It doesn't matter if you're sick or mad at him, he'll still do it. It starts with a small peck, then a press of his own forehead against your own, then a small murmur of ‘good morning’ before one last chaste kiss to the skin between your eyes.

Coffee in the morning was a sacred time for you both. He has your preferences mastered and takes his time to make it according to your taste. He brews the coffee first before going to wake you up so that they'd have time to cool down and so that you'd wake up to the scent of freshly grounded coffee beans (which he knows you love)

He ironically likes matcha (though he still prefers coffee more) and gets offended whenever you label it as 'sweet grass water', that leads to you both getting into a 20 minute debate over whether or not it is worth the hype. He's dead serious. So are you.

He will never leave the apartment without saying goodbye to you. It's either verbally or through the form of a sticky note saying 'see you tonight my love'.

He is genuinely interested and often invested in your interests. Being with a man who values knowledge has its ups, whenever you find a new thing to obsess about you immediately have a person by your corner who's willing to listen to all your rambles. He'd definitely educate himself on the matter as well and help you do deep dives and research about it (it's both of your past times). He likes it because it makes you happy and because it's technically something new to learn about. He loves finding new topics to talk to you about and he always wants to make sure he's intellectual enough to actively engage in a proper conversation with you.

PLANS. OUT. YOUR. DATES. (IDC WHAT Y'ALL SAY) he will be the type to have memorized all your favorite places, where to take you when you're craving something savory, where to take you when you're feeling depressed. He does the work and probably has a physical copy of all the fun places he could take you on depending on your mood. Now he can easily figure out what places you'd want to try out and which ones to actively avoid.

He is the epitome of self-care (BRO HAS A LITERAL LIGHTCONE WHERE HES IN A BUBBLE BATH) you both have days where you just soak in a bubble bath with him reading a book and you relaxing against him, occasionally he'd read to you. Face masks? Yes. Nail care? Sure why not? He loves doing self care things with you (or just spending time with you in general, the soft skin is a bonus)

Would often gift you novels or books that he knows you'll enjoy. You'll be pleasantly surprised to see his handwriting on the margin because he had annotated it beforehand, and to your dismay he will quiz for fun on the book from time to time to test if you actually read it (you always do.)

He's not big on matching clothing but would get matching jewelery, he doesn't wanna hide that he's obsessed with you but he doesn't want to flex or show you off like you are some kind of object. He would get you both matching rings, matching bracelets, matching necklaces, and will always wear them without fail. He's usually subtle about it but whenever anyone asks him about them he'd answer you.

He ironically likes calling you pet names darling, love, idiot (endearingly), but he loves your name, he's probably the type to know the meaning behind your name as well.

Dating him is not spoiler free unfortunately, he will accidentally spoil the end of a movie or book because he's already read the reviews of it online, and has watched the analysis of it before watching it with you.

Also will commentate on the movie: "that's dumb why didn't she just-"

LOVES TO ARGUE WITH YOU, he doesn't care if you're degrading him in the most foul way. He will relish you getting angry and starting fights.

HE WILL. NEVER. RAISE HIS VOICE AT YOU. it'll always be that stupidly calm yet smug one, he is a firm believer in the 'loudest voice doesn't mean you win the argument' idea and he goes by that a lot. He can be condescending however, the type that makes you want to punch his stupid face.

"such unfortunate language. only those who cannot express themselves intelligently would resort to such crude substitutions in vocabulary" — Ratio at some point (he was losing the argument)

Begrudgingly allowed you to paint on his white alabaster sculpture that he sometimes wears, there's a trace of you everywhere on him, the design changes from time to time. He probably made you one as well.

He keeps all the gifts and letters you give him in a special box and has a picture of you on his person every time.

He probably has tabs on everything, the date of your first kiss, the date of your first date, your favorite color. It's all inside a little notebook.

Doesn't even need to say I love you because his eyes say it all, he looks at you as if you had placed all the stars in the sky. it's a subtle look but over the time you were able to identify it.

[prettyboykatsuki]

i dont believe in falling in love through sex like it being enough to build a relationship on but oliver who accidentally falls for u might just change that. the man is a menace he makes my flight or fight instinct go off. but you know those videos where a baby deer cuddles big cats as a fawn response because no way they can outrun or outfight it? yeah that is my survival instinct around him

i get where u are coming from fs. however as someone who doesn’t hold sex as a particularly valuable act i unfortunately do think just sex is more than enough to build an intimate relationship on unfortunately shdjfns and i do think oliver Will Teach You That.

even if you place no value on sex itself there is something unique and particular to the act of having it with someone who genuinely respects you as a person. oliver is a lot of things but a lot of his popularity and charm are his sincerity of his approach. every person he meets and decides to be with automatically earns both his time and attention.

but he’s highly, highly emotionally intelligent so it is weaved with a very genuine sense of interest. he’s incredibly talented at making a person feel like he and them are the only people in a room because he is not like, faking it. he doesn’t need to. he’s confident in himself and his charisma, he is absolutely pleasant to be with.

and that’s in the scenario you are strangers. oliver is just like that though, as a person. and as you hook up again and again and again—you will come to recognize the minutiae. the small acts of respect and kindness. the little reminders that he listens to every word of your ten minutes of pillow talk. that him buying you ubers and tickets home aren’t out of obligation but a soft sense of knowing because he always texts you after, asks you if you’re home safe.

i think the comparison to being a deer in the claw of a big cat is apt. but then it’s like—if the thing that you’ve been told your whole life will hunt you down and gore you, stops its teeth right where your pulse thumps—is it fair to say it doesn’t love you at all? if it holds you, places its rough tongue where its fangs are meant to be, can you dismiss it as meaning nothing?

you can convince yourself you’re mistaking it for something or that there’s no grand meaning to your relationship that seems to defy nature itself. but the truth is when you and oliver fall asleep in the aftermath, he knows the exact minutes it’ll take for you fall asleep first and waits.

not to hunt you. not to leave. just to make sure everything is okay before he follows suit. maybe it’s not the sex itself i suppose. just everything that comes along with having it—specifically having it with him

[glowettee]

Hey Mindy 💕 @scavengerluv here! Was wondering if you could help create a guide and or link a guide about consistency with routine and sticking to a routine 💕 Wishing you the best!

hi darling @scavengerluv! 🌸 thank you for your sweet ask about building consistency with routines! as someone who has struggled with maintaining routines myself, i'd love to share some gentle guidance on making habits stick. hopefully this cozy little guide can help you. if you have ANY more questions at all. i'll be soooo happy to help!

creating & sticking to routines: a soft guide ⭐️

building consistent routines doesn't have to feel overwhelming or rigid. think of it as creating little rituals that make your days feel more intentional and peaceful. here are my besttt tips when it comes to consistent routines.

start tiny, dream big

begin with just one small habit (like drinking water when you wake up)

gradually layer new habits onto existing ones (it's called habit stacking)

celebrate the tiniest wins because they matter so much

make it feel special

create a peaceful environment for your routine

use items that bring you joy (a pretty journal, your favorite cup)

add gentle touches like soft music or fairy lights

treat your routine as self-care rather than obligation

the power in morning & evening anchors morning whispers:

set a consistent wake time

open curtains to let sunshine in

make your bed feel like a cloud

have a morning beverage ritual

evening lullabies:

dim lights an hour before bed

put phone away (or use night mode)

gentle skincare routine

read something lovely

the secret sauce: habit stacking connect new habits to existing ones, like:

stretching while water boils for tea

reading while having breakfast

journaling right after making your bed

meditation after brushing teeth

when things feel wobbly remember love, it's okay when routines get disrupted. life isn't meant to be perfect. i value being gentle to yourself, in every way. here's how to stay soft with yourself:

if you miss a day, simply begin again

adjust routines as seasons change

listen to what your body needs

keep the core simple, let details be flexible

making it sustainable

start with 1-2 weeks of tiny changes

use a pretty tracker or journal

find an accountability friend (like me 💌)

share progress in a way that feels good

remember progress isn't linear

gentle reminders for the journey

consistency > perfection

small steps create big changes

your routine should feel like a friend

adapt and adjust with love

celebrate every tiny victory

creating your personal rhythm everyone's routine will look different, and that's the beauty of it. maybe yours includes (or can include):

morning pages

gentle movement

nature walks

creative time

restful moments

remember, the goal isn't to create a perfect routine - it's to build a framework that supports and nurtures you. start small, be patient, and let your routine evolve naturally like a garden growing in its own time. i personally tell myself this every time i feel like i'm falling off.

sending you the warmest hugs and gentlest encouragement as you build your beautiful routines! remember that i'm always here if you need more specific guidance or just want to share your journey. 🌸

with love and soft whispers, mindy x

p.s. if anyone would like to share their routine journey, my inbox is always open for your stories and questions! 💕 - mindy

[chaos-of-the-abyss]

#only on tumblr will people act like thingol is crazy for not being completely friendly to the guys who (i cannot stress this enough)#MURDERED THINGOLS COUSINS.#like i think the point of the Silmarillion is that........ being willing to commit genocide.....over ROCKS.....is stupid??????#“but the Silmarils are the cultural heirlooms of the feanorians and the last of the trees of Valinor 😭” THEYRE SHINY ROCKS#and of COURSE thingol was a bit stupid for wanting to keep the silmaril but not because he “”stole“” it from the feanorians#its because being so covetous of any stupid shiny object. is a bad idea. and people are going to kill you for it.

you! get!! it!!! like thingol's mistakes in his handling of the silmaril situation were: invoking it at all as the bride-price (though that said the text does make it clear that at that point he doesn't really care to have a silmaril; he's telling beren to fuck off in the clearest terms he can possibly think of. unfortunately for him beren is bolder and more sincerely in love with his daughter than he ever anticipated) -- and then later when he actually has the simaril, his greed for it (though the text also states that it's not only that he covets it; it also has value to him as the thing that his daughter and son-in-law went through so much to obtain, and other people have pointed out how he probably feels guilt for what he, however unintentionally, put them through, which makes him even more unwilling to just give it up), and his pride in insulting the dwarves of nogrod (albeit there seems to be something akin to dragon sickness at play there, both with thingol and the dwarves, exacerbating their negative impulses). tolkien emphasizes over and over what a destructive thing it is to become possessive over material goods. what thingol's mistake very obviously was NOT was telling the same people who slaughtered his kin, made no apologies for or even acknowledgement of having done so, and also tried to assault and murder his daughter, that they can go fuck themselves and he will not be listening to their ultimatums. this fandom has the expectation that every character should fall over themselves to do what the feanorians demand and anyone who doesn't is some unreasonable rancid bigot, when it's the feanorians' crimes, diplomatic failures, and refusal to apologize for their actions that cost them any possible goodwill

i have to laugh about people complaining about how Bigoted and Disrespectful thingol is to the noldor as if he doesn't:

remain friends with finrod and tell him the location of nargothrond, which finrod goes on to be the king of - meaning thingol is fine with there being a noldorin elven ruler in beleriand

outright state that he will not cut ties with fingolfin and his followers, who do participate in the slaughter of his brother's people, merely because he sees that they've atoned for their actions

host galadriel in doriath and make no objection to her wedding with celeborn, his own grand-nephew - meaning he is also fine with noldor staying in his court and marrying into his own family

the only noldor whom he openly dismisses and dislikes are the fëanorians, who participated in the aforementioned slaughter of his brother's people, insult him, and refuse to acknowledge him as a king despite him having maintained his kingdom in beleriand since before they were born and certainly long before they came there. but that's just it isn't it. fandom can't handle someone in-universe disdaining their precious innocent war criminals and that's why everything bad that happens in the first age is thingol's fault. or the fault of his grandson for not giving the silmaril that his parents nearly died to obtain to the people who disrespected his grandfather and tried to rape his mother. or the fault of his great-granddaughter for not giving the silmaril to the people that sacked her home, killed her entire family including her brothers who were children, and made her a refugee as a toddler. it is definitely not the fault of the people who decided to do all the ambushing and attacking, no absolutely not. that's nonsense, they're just victims of tyrannical close-minded racist elu thingol and his equally entitled descendants :DDD

[writing1raflesia]

HOW THE HASHIRAS DO AFTERCARE

- Pt1

⚠️ warning: this one contains some mentions of sexual activities, tho not detailed it's not recommend for minors. Other than that is all sweet, enjoy!

GN reader. Pt2 here

★★★★★★★★★★★★

KYOJURO RENGOKU

Rengoku is aways respectful with you, he would feel bad if he ever hurt you. He is constantly checking in with you and during the aftercare he has a list of questions to make sure you are okay "do you feel any pain or discomfort? Can you stand up? Can you move your limbs properly, are they sore? Did you drank the water I gave you?". He also aways has snacks prepared for you, while you two eat he likes telling you his favorite parts and listen to your favorites too, he likes knowing what he should keep doing and what you didn't liked as much. He also aways have ointments prepared just in case, even if he don't use it. Drinking water is aways a must, he aways make sure you eat, drink and go to the bathroom afterwards to keep you good.

GYOMEI HIMEJIMA

Gyomei would gently massage your sore body with oils to help you relax, light a calming incense and cover you with gentle kisses, praising you and letting you know that he enjoyed every moment of it and how much he loves you. You two would shower together and he would out you in his lap, asking you if you are in any pain while touching your body softly to sense any injury he might've caused (after all the man is quite big and strong, he worries). He is careful always trying to be gentle but his favorite part is the aftercare where he can cuddle with you, making sure you're fine and close to him, he loves humming love songs while caressing your hair. His aftercare can change depending on how you like it the most, he is very open to communicate about what's best for you.

MITSURI KANROJI

Mitsuri is lovely, she is aways praising you, telling how much she loves you and how good everything felt. She enjoys bathing together too, washing your hair and complimenting you. With her physical aftercare is not aways necessary since she's not too rough, but she enjoys the process of taking care of you afterwards, checking you for bruises or sore spots. She is a teaser so there's a lot of talking to make sure you truly enjoyed it and is satisfied.

SANEMI SHINAZUGAWA

Despite usually being rough in bed, Sanemi worries a lot about you and in the end wants to make sure you're okay, he constantly ask you how you're feeling, where it hurt and what he should do to make you feel better. His aftercare depends a lot on you telling him what to do when he asks, he knows he must take care of your body but will aways ask "is it hurting enough for bandages or just some ointments?" "Do you want me to take care of this or you can do it?", even when is clearly that you're not actually hurt. He values a lot bathing with you afterwards, having you laying on his chest while the warm water sooth you both, his fingers caressing your hair while he gently kiss your head, is a moment of relaxation. He actually will need some affirmation too, he needs you to reassure him that you're fine and that you enjoyed it just as much otherwise he will feel guilty for being too rough but will never admit it. He is not so good with words and affirmations but will whispers some "I love you"s sometimes.

★★★★★★★★★★★★

Author: Any feedbacks are aways welcome and encouraged! Tha ks for reading and asks are open!

[bacchuschucklefuck]

okay unironically I love so much that porter is like this world SUCKS its BAD here and it HURTS you why do you care abt it!!! and literally every single bad kid is like ngl we just hate ur ass it does not matter what ur philosophy is

[turtleblogatlast]

“Haven’t You Noticed (I’m a Star)” from Steven Universe works so ridiculously well for Leo

[the-red-hoodlum]

killing people who don’t get an animals consent before touching them &/or ignore when animals are visibly uncomfortable with being touched.

[gomzdrawfr]

🧡 thank you for all of the love. glad you like the warren so far!

thank YOU for the absolute bangers, just chapters of increasing unsettling vibes I LOVE IT!!

the warren

[maybemeursault]

look okay it's bad to erase marvin's canonical sexuality and the fact that She Likes Men but i literally genuinely with all my heart think that she is a trans woman