#i feel like this is just a correct quote
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regeditt · 9 months ago
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james: we all know what i would do if someone hurt you but what would you do if someone hurt me
regulus: i would start by— *proceeds to list out thirty different methods of killing someone*
james: wow, i’m so relieved
regulus: i’m not done yet
james: …
regulus: *keeps going*
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cerealbishh · 9 months ago
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"The world's lucky to have you."
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canisalbus · 1 year ago
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you say machete has to be closeted then why's he always wearing them little heels
Maybe he thinks he's a tiny bit nicer looking in them.
#no in fact he's just a little ahead of the curve let me try to explain#again I'm not a historian I'm just sharing what I've read I might be misremembering stuff so don't quote me on this#high heels became extremely fashionable in the early 1600's probably just a few decades after Machete's time#and they were originally worn by men#because they were inspired by Persian riding boots#if your shoes had heels you'd have easier time keeping your feet in the stirrups (think of cowboy boots)#Europeans saw them thought they looked snazzy and they became wildly popular in noble circles fairly quickly#for some hundred years or so high heels were the epitome of class wealth power and status and they were essentially genderless#remember that concepts of masculinity and femininity are fluid and change over time#things that were seen as manly a few centuries ago may seem downright effeminate to a modern viewer#it's all matter of perspective neither is objectively more correct than the other#they started to separate into men's heels and women's heels around mid 1700's iirc but the changes weren't massive even then#and only truly went out of vogue when the French Revolution hit in 1789#and people all across the continent were suddenly put off by everything that reminded them#of the frivolousness and extravagance of royalty and aristicracy#so in his canon timeline I don't think people are looking at him and going “hmmm that's pretty gay”#because heels hadn't become gendered yet#maybe he likes how they accentuate his already tiny paws and make his legs look even longer than they are#he's interested in fashion or at least likes to dress nicely in high quality garments#he tries very hard to look his best despite never really feeling comfortable in his skin#he was a real shrimp as a kid and even though he eventually grew up to be a beanpole he might still find the extra height appealing#no one's going to look down on him ever again#I admit the way I draw them is a lot more modern than the true historical style at the time but not outrageously so#artistic freedom and all that in the end I'm not aiming for 100% accuracy#modern au Machete has no excuses though he's just a little bit fruity#if the guy feels empowered by wearing little clip cloppers let him#answered#anonymous#Machete
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nachosncheezies · 3 months ago
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In defense of late-canon x files (including the revivals)
I was thinking about this poll after I commented on it, and I kinda want to be brave and say more.
Short answer to the poll's question before I go any further: If you're a new fan and a sensitive sort who thinks you'll struggle with your blorbos Really Going Through It and you really need a happy ending, I suggest you stop at the end of season 8. Do not pass go, do not look at spoilers. Disregard this post entirely, close the internet, and go look at something that makes you happy. (Also fuck every part of society that characterizes sensitivity as inherently weak and bad and some kind of personal failing, you are valid.)
That said, "quality" as a concept is entirely subjective, and the question of whether or not there's a decline in quality for any story is wholly subjective, too. In the case of x files? I'm not convinced there is a decline. I am going to be upfront that I haven't yet watched past season 8, though I am almost completely spoiled on events after that - and the reason I haven't watched yet is not because of how I know events are going to unfold, but simply because I don't want it to end!!! Ohh, the tension between "I CAN'T WAIT!!!" and "Nooo don't be over D:"
When I first came to txf fandom on tumblr and gradually became spoiled about what happens in late canon though, I was often left uncomfortable and tbh kinda queasy about it. As I said in my comment on the poll, the hate for especially the revival and IWTB, or to a lesser extent even seasons 8 & 9, is very well documented. But! There are other takes to be found here on tumblr if you figure out where to look, and my feelings have changed!
The thing is, I have yet to find myself in any fandom where there isn't a vocal subset of fans who dislike the story after a certain point. I am not joking when I say that no one hates the things they love as passionately as sci-fi and fantasy fans. In my experience, it often hinges on the extent to which a viewer has strong notions on where they would like the characters to end up. In particular with series where shipping is a dominant component for the bulk of a fandom, I have almost universally found that there comes some turning point in the story where "let them be happy you cowards" is the dominant view, and things that compromise the attainment of a degree of romantic stability and/or domesticity are, to many fans, annoying at best and despicable at worst. But! As one tagset on the linked poll said:
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and I think for any fandom, that last tag especially is so so so important. (I think that's harder for people watching a weekly series live, bc you have so much time to analyze and speculate and dream before the next breadcrumb drops, but I digress.)
So why am I saying this and how do I apply it to x files? Well, I eventually found that there are also a subset of fans who find redeeming things right up to the very end and actually quite like the whole thing! The things that I had seen people rage and ventpost so much about honestly never quite sounded to me as "out of character" or "untrue to the story" etc as those same ventposts made them sound. And I've discovered I'm not the only one who felt that way. Do I love that the spooky squad had to go through all of those things? No, those poor guys D: Life is hard and they have been through so much trauma. But do those events and their choices make sense to me in light of everything that came before? Yes! And I honestly can't wait to see them fight to overcome those things, breaking, healing, always learning, always growing, always getting better.
So if you're wondering "where does it go wrong"... well, I'm a completionist, as many people who've answered that post are, but also my personal opinion is that I don't think it does go wrong. If you're new and interested in exploring why I've gone from "vaguely queasy" to "excited" about the whole thing, or want to maybe balance out the impressions you're getting about the later seasons before deciding whether or not you want to see the whole thing, I'll put a few blog names in the comments.
Final admission: even once I started feeling a little more confident in the possibility that "actually ok maybe I'm not crazy, maybe this all kind of is in character and does make sense", there was one big plot point that I was NOT looking forward to and I thought I would never be comfortable about. In hindsight, I think my discomfort came from the negative responses being SO seemingly universal that I hadn't stopped to let myself truly consider other possible interpretations on that point. (I mean my initial instinct when I first read about it was, why are we mad about this?? CSM is literally the most unreliable narrator in history???? it's obviously fake news?????? this must be either a fever dream someone's having or it's a misdirection ploy against whatever shadowy forces might still be lurking?????????????? but for whatever reason I guess I had halfway written that off.) Happily, just last month there's a new post-s11 novel out, and although reviews for the book as a whole are mixed, it seems to have laid the groundwork for resolving that plot issue in a way I think most fans would be broadly happy with. If you're interested in being spoiled about that and seeing how, I recommend searching #perihelion on @agent-troi who liveblogged reading it with receipts, scroll back chronological-style to the first post on the subject and see how it unfolded. (And never forget that Dana Katherine Scully is the queen of denial as a coping mechanism lol)
Everyone's mileage will vary. Each person can feel however they want! But for anyone new, I wanted you to know that the very many ventposts you might be seeing are not all there is to this show or its fandom. Some of us love it despite - or even because of - all the things that went "wrong". I think we just don't talk about it as much.
#i don't talk about it much because tbh it can get *fraught*. and i've had that in other fandoms too.#i added and deleted so many qualifiers from this post over it lmao#people are passionate about fandom which is great! as a concept#but it sucks feeling like most people hate the thing you love or that - however diplomatically it's phrased - you should hate it too#or that folks think maybe you *would* be mad if you just looked at it a certain (sometimes seemingly cast as the 'correct') way#basically it's insane that half the time when i see people standing up and praising the revival i'm like 'damn bruh. you brave'#and feeling that way is partly a me thing. but i've seen posts that also lead me to believe it's not JUST a me thing yaknow?#i always wonder whether the 'vocal subset' in any given fandom who hate a thing are really the majority that they appear to be#or if they just appear to be the majority because they've needed to be vocal about it as a sort of internet support group thing lol#which fair enough i mean anyone's entitled to be disappointed or have feelings#for me? i don't think i can remember ever being mad about a series i liked#i'm just here for the vibes man i very rarely have fixed notions#i say to the writers: go ahead and surprise me. i'll make sense of pretty much anything they throw at me#i also think about a dd quote i saw ages ago that as an actor you (paraphrased): can't say 'the character would not do that'#...because if it's in the script then by definition they *did* do that. it's right there on the page.#and that's kind of me as a fan too.#p.s. i fucking love season 8 i love angst and holy shit it delivers. the new characters are fantastic the journey is *chef's kiss* and#yes i consider certain temperamental even assholeish behavior to also be *chef's kiss* there's so much trauma so much reason for it#it's be-yoo-ti-ful 💕 season 8 my beloved 😍#anyway watch it all watch none do what you want. just know that there are people who would cuddle the whole damn thing from start to finish#like a floppy wet lil raggedy ann doll if only they COULD#x files#the x files#txf revival#txf thoughts#i love you floppy wet raggedy ann doll
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helluvahotmess · 6 months ago
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'I want you to continue to be who you are.' what if i fucking died what then
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yesterdayiwrote · 5 months ago
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For someone who's so thoughtful when he speaks, Lewis really does still give some absolutely terrible quotes when he's talking to journalists...
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lunar-years · 2 months ago
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Chappell’s thoughts on the election sound a heck of lot like many of the takes I see daily on social media in fandom spaces and leftist spaces and on my personal accounts from people I went to high school/college with etc. etc. and I actually think it’s helpful that she’s giving voice to the thoughts a lot of people are clearly having and acknowledging a fairly prominent point of view amongst a portion of young voters whilst STILL ultimately saying she’s going to vote (for Kamala!) and emphasizing the importance of local elections. Like, I personally don’t agree with her stance but many people do and many in that group are the ones going around saying they’re not voting entirely or trying to get us all to vote Jill fucking Stein. Maybe what Chappell is saying will register with some of that group? Maybe they will get out and vote for Kamala despite not agreeing with all of her policies and viewpoints? Which is…a positive thing? What am I missing here 😭
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brazilian-whalien52 · 1 year ago
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Kawi is not just shy he has social anxiety disorder (SAD).
A Quick summary of social anxiety: "A person with social anxiety disorder feels symptoms of anxiety or fear in situations where they may be scrutinized, evaluated, or judged by others" 
You can see through the drama how he cares about the opinion of others. He builds his whole life over what other people think about him and, in the same way, pushes other people way and keeps a distance. 
He also, in many moments, freezes in front of others. For example, when he has to sing as a first-year student in front of his classmates. Besides avoiding places or situations where he feels other people may judge him, which causes him to not have any meaningful connections in the future and regretting all the opportunity he lost. Even the work he ends up at is basically another form of isolation (he does subtitles in his home office and the contact with his boss seems to be mostly through his cellphone).  
After a social situation, he tries to over analyse his "performance", looking for flaws in his interactions, blaming himself and regretting the things he said/did. Also, he tends to expect the worst possible consequences from a social interaction or negative experience, believing that any mistakes he makes will turn people against him. Basically, he doesn't allow himself to make mistakes, especially during social interactions. You can see him expressing this a lot in the firsts episodes. 
Another thing that shows is that he doesn't feel comfortable eating in front of others, a usual trait in people with social anxiety disorder (observational social fears). It is also pretty common for people with SAD to develop drinking problems. Normally, they have alcohol because it's a way they can be "fun and spontaneous" around other people. However, how he was before, also shows his social anxiety. He was too afraid of drinking and getting loose around other people. That's probably why he never drank. Basically, he went to two different extremes in that matter.  
Plus, people that are part of a minority group (in this case queer) are more likely to have social anxiety disorder. 
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thelastspeecher · 3 months ago
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This may come as a bit of a surprise, but I don't often cry at books. Even the ones that hit me the hardest and most deeply, I don't cry.
But the ending of The Sun and the Star of all things got to me and now I'm crying at work bc I decided to finish it on my lunch break.
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opens-up-4-nobody · 8 months ago
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...
#it's an old frustration. an old pattern of thought.#i just feel that i have a brain that doesn't hold information. that lacks the discipline to gain knowledge. that is incapable of deeper#thought. and i cant teel you how maddening that is. to sit in a room and listen to other people discuss a paper you read in depth 5 times#like it's the 1st time you ever heard anything about it. how is that possible? how do i work with that? i read and nothing sticks.#nothing stays with me. how??? i was talking to a prof recently who ive heard is hard on her students with disability accommodation. and she#was saying how she doesnt see these things as a disability. how we're just different not disabled. ive heard the phrase differently abled#a lot of times. and i get what she's saying. i do. ad i get why she's hard on them. she wants to push them. but there comes a point where#you are quote unquote differently abled and you run into a wall that other people dont have. then what are you supposed to do? work harder?#but what if that doesn't help? what if that just compounds the hurt that's always been there? what if that leaches away all the wonder? what#then? at what point does a thing become too much of a barrier? i think there's a reason i dont run into many other dyslexic grad student.#everyone has adhd. it's a place where those with adhd prosper. but dyslexia not so much. at least not with the level of hanicap i have#and everyone's really nice. they want to help. but there's nothing anyone can do for me at this stage. it's up to me to compensate for my#leaky head. and i kno im not stupid. ive got a piece of paper stating my iq is above average after correcting for uneven intelligence. but#i dont feel very smart most of the time. i feel more like my uncorrected iq score that comes out at just below average even with me trying#my very best. iq is bullshit but there's something to be said for that gap. im smart if unconstrained by language and time. but were bound#by language and we're bound by time so what am i supposed to do? is there anything i can do? im stuck with this forever. theres no getting#better or making it easier. my brain is wired in a way that gives me the reading skills of a child. forever. and i just have to accept that#and im trying to swallow around that idea easier because the only other option is to choke on it. but maybe i chose the wrong career path.#one of my lab mates said she wants challenges all the time and ive chosen a path that's challenges all the time but im jsut trying to do#what everyone else can without a second thought. it's deeply demoralizing. yet here i am. trying to be easier abt it.#maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for.#unrelated
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correctdndadsquotes · 1 year ago
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Freddie: [like a shocked Yu Gi Oh dub character] Guh?!
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snailsandstrawberries · 2 days ago
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have to read an article for a class written by the same professor and i so desperately want to take a red pen and go to town because what the actual FUCK
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mieux-de-se-taire · 1 year ago
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Helena - MCR Interview
Stars & Scars Interview - 4/17/04
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Interviewer: What song on “Three Cheers” means the most to you and why? Gerard: “Helena” -that’s my grandmother’s name, and it’s about her. Originally, I wanted the lyrics to be more directly about her. It ended up being more of a song about her writing to me. The lyrics are very aggressive. It’s more about me ragging on myself for being away so much. After we had toured for about a year and a half straight, she died the day after I got home. She had been in the hospital, so I couldn’t see her because I was sick, too. I got home, and the next morning I woke up and she was dead. I was very angry with myself for that. I didn’t regret it, obviously, because she would have wanted me on the road. The song’s very aggressive towards myself. That’s kind of what I do. That song definitely means the most. It’s awesome. It’s one of my favorite songs on the record.
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MTV Backstage Pass Interview - 10/26/04
1:10-1:34
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Gerard: I believe the next single's gonna be "Helena." Frank: I think that'd be good because it means so much to... (gestures) Mikey and Gerard. Gerard: Yeah, like, it's about-- it's about me and Mikey's grandma, who passed away, so it'll show kind of a little closer to what we're more about. Not that we're not about stuff like "Not Okay," but "Helena's" definitely more aggressive, and I think you'll find the record has more aggressive songs on it than "Not Okay."
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Fuse Daily Download Interview + HD - 11/24/04
11:36-11:54 (HD 1:45-2:04)
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Gerard: The next single, I think, is gonna be "Helena," right guys? Frank: Probably Gerard: Yeah, we're actually discussing a video right now. Steven Smith (Interviewer): What about the video, what kind of stuff? Gerard: Um, right now the only thing we're talking about is a funeral. Steven Smith: Yeah? Gerard: But we're also talking to Marc Webb again, who did the last video, 'cause we love-- he did such a great job. Steven Smith: It was awesome. Gerard: And he's talking about choreographed dancing.
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Steven's Untitled Rock Show Interview - Feb/March 2005
0:32-0:53
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Steven Smith (Interviewer): (After cutting back from the music video for "Helena") That was My Chemical Romance with "Helena." What was your favorite part about making that video, um any fond memories of creating it? It's kind of bizarre but very cool. Gerard: Yeah, well, um, the coolest thing was seeing the dancers for the first time, I think. It was a really hard video to make 'cause it's such a personal subject, but it was a really good closure-- I think that's what I'll take away from it-- me and Mikey especially.
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KROQ Interview - 5/21/05
0:35-0:40
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Gerard: (Responding to the prompt: favorite songs on the album (Three Cheers)) The most important song, to me and especially Mikey, on the record is "Helena" 'cause it's about our grandmother who passed away.
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Rolling Stone Magazine Interview + alt - 6/18/05
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The inspiration for much of Three Cheers came from the death of his maternal grandmother, Elena Lee Rush, in 2003. "Helena," [Gerard] says, "is an angry open letter to myself for being on the road so long and missing the last year of her life."
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Kerrang #1072 - 7/23/05
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Gerard: When we did 'Helena', I knew it was going to be heavy. I was almost afraid of the song. I knew we were going to be singing it on TV, we were going to make a really expensive video; 'Helena' was going to become a thing, and I was afraid because I knew how great it was. When I showed up for the video shoot it was grim: it was set up like a funeral and it was like walking back into my grandma's funeral (the song is about her). We chose to use a young woman not so it connected with kids -- it was to make people take it more seriously. So that people could connect with it on a broader level; when somebody older dies, you kind of expect it, when somebody younger dies, it's more tragic.
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Gerard: That's when 'Helena' happened. We had this song, which wasn't about anything, then all of a sudden I said, "I think I want to make this song about grandma". So from that point on, that's what the whole record became about: loss.
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Galaxie Magazine Interview - Sep 2005
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Interviewer: What does it feel like to suddenly be in the same league as the bands that influenced you? Do you feel like you're in competition to be heard? Gerard: It is actually flattering. You need to play the radio game (to be heard on national radio). We were worried about Helena because all these heavy-hitting records from Nine Inch Nails, Weezer, Foo Fighters, and System of a Down came out at the same time. All these major major platinum-selling bands dropped albums and, based on what had come before, we thought Helena was done. Then all of a sudden we noticed that it wasn't. Helena remained on the charts when other songs went away. Now we are not talking shit, but our song got bigger and it made us feel that we had a chance at making a career out of this. To be able to make music that is relevant for as long as possible, that's all we want.
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Zero Magazine Interview - Oct-Nov 2005
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Interviewer: Hence the record company's decision to re-release I'm Not Okay? Gerard: Re-releasing I'm Not Okay is more of a reintroduction to the band 'cause Helena has taken off. I'm Not Okay was like this very simple, direct song about multiple high school depressions, suicide attempts, alcoholism -- it's about being an outcast. So that's Not Okay. Helena was the one that really encapsulated the band so in a way I'm happy that Helena did better than Not Okay. It was a very personal song (it's about Gerard's late grandmother), and it was the song that shaped the record. It's the most important song on the record for me. It feels great to win stuff 'cause of the subject matter, but at the same time, what it's done to people is more rewarding than awards. Like I said, awards aren't always the most validating thing, so the fact that Helena touched so many lives, even in death, I think that is really what's amazing about it.
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Matt Schichter Interview - 11/30/05
0:00-0:28, 13:11-13:16
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Interviewer: First "Helena" 'cause that's my favorite song on the record. Gerard: Thank you Interviewer: Why don't you tell us a bit about the song, I know you wrote it about your grandma, not many people know that. Gerard: Yeah, me and Mikey's grandma passed away, um actually after the initial writing period for Revenge, and it had a very definite concept at that point, but after she died, it all kind of changed and became about really missing her. And that's really what a lot of the record is about. Interviewer: Do you still think about that when you sing the song live? Gerard: Yeah, that song in particular.
Interviewer: Song you've written you're most proud of? Gerard: "Helena." Mikey: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with that one as well.
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Spin 2005 Readers' Poll and Interview - Dec 2005
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Interviewer (SpinMag): "Helena" was voted Best Song of 2005 by our readers. Did you ever think a song about a grandmother would become so huge? Gerard (NotOkayHelena): I did have some sense it was going to be huge, but it almost had to be to honor a woman so amazing. When she died, I told her we would make a record so fucking loud that she would hear it all the way in heaven...ot wherever it is you go. I was worried about it being huge because it was so personal--I didn't want to exploit my pain and her death. Interviewer: Did people accuse you of that? Gerard: Not to my knowledge. I was more concerned with my own accusations. You can't be in something unique and creative if you give a fuck what people say about you.
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MTV Interview - Aug-Oct 2006
3:09-3:13
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Gerard: (Drawing parallels between Jawbreaker's Dear You and Three Cheers) Like "Helena" is basically "Accident Prone," in a lot of ways.
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Metal Hammer Interview - 1/11/07
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Gerard: [The Black Parade is a] really personal record; this is us laying it out there. It changed things. It's not so much that as when I was doing 'Helena' though. That was a lot tougher because I wasn't really ready to deal with my grandmother's death so head-on, and then when we put the record out it was, 'OK, you're going to be dealing with this for the next eight months.' There was no death that spawned this record."
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Kerrang #1142 - 1/17/07
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Written in tribute to Gerard and Mikey's grandmother, the opener to 'Three Cheers...' was initially painful for Gerard to sing. "I remember one critic said something like, 'Why would you want to watch this guy run around onstage whining about his nana'. How fucking shitty a human being do you have to be to say that?
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Metal Edge Magazine Interview - 3/10/07
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Gerard: I was surprised, but we always knew that song had a lot of power because of what it was about. The video itself was like a time stamp. I was just excited to see something like that on MTV. It was a funeral--it was a rock band playinga funeral--you never saw anything like that on MTV before, and it was just awesome to see that. To so directly make people face death and look at death in that way--as not just a tragic thing, [but] as a celebratory thing at the same time, and have people to actually face that, I thought it was pretty incredible.
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Ultimate Guitar Interview - 4/28/07
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Interviewer: How would you describe the previous album musically? How did you intend to make The Black Parade different? Ray: I think in Revenge you're hearing a band that necessarily didn't find its legs yet. It didn't find what it truly was. I think that there are flashes of that in songs like Helena and Not Okay and some of the other tracks. But I think it was our first record that we had written with Frank. At that point, he had been touring with us for a while but still kind of a new member. The way that me and him kind of played together was very different from the way we play together now.
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Kerrang Podcast Interview - 11/22/10
5:56-6:10
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Gerard: (Responding to the prompt: if you could put one song in a time capsule to represent the band, what would it be and why?) Probably "Helena?" (points the mic towards Mikey) Mikey: Yeah, "Helena," definitely, absolutely. Yeah, that song I think encapsulates everything about us, and, you know, sonic quality, message, everything about it, yeah.
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Grammy Museum Interview - 1/26/11
4:51-4:57
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Frank: (In response to the question: what songs have been emotionally therapeutic for you, Frank specifically talking about how songs carry emotions and associations that arise during the writing process sometimes before hearing the lyrics and how the lyrical message of a song may differ from his personal connections with it, see 4:19 for more context) Like "Helena" I'm thinking about, you know, my wife, like when I play those parts.
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The First Ever Podcast - 3/16/22
1:23:08-1:23:32
Frank: I remember recording with Mike Plotnikoff, who was the engineer for Howard Benson (producer of Three Cheers), and we went into "Helena," and I played my guitar parts for the chorus of that song. And I remember them hitting the space bar, and Plotnikoff like looked at me going, "Damn, that's a fucking chorus." And I remember being like "Yes!"
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The Daily Beast Interview - 2022
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Gerard: I lost my grandmother before we started writing ‘Revenge’ and that loss really impacted me, because she had been the person to sit with me and teach me how to draw or make me go to the piano with her. And she would play and she would make me sing along with her and stuff, so that we had a really amazing relationship. So it was that loss and wanting to get over that loss and kind of triumph over that loss to kind of make her proud that drove me in songs like ‘Helena.’
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Two Minutes to Late Night Interview - 8/15/22
17:48-18:08
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Frank: There's a few songs off [Three Cheers] that we do-- have played a lot, you know. I mean, of course like "Helena" or "Not Okay." And what's funny about say like songs like that, or even "Venom," that we've done so often, you would think that they would start to get unfun or annoying, and they don't.
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One Life One Chance Interview - 10/31/22
39:11-39:45
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Frank: And then "Helena" they were like "Alright, we're gonna put this as like a second single." And I remember there was a time like when the-- they put the single out, and there was like a week or 2 where like we got sat down by like the radio people, and they were like "Hey, you know, we tried really hard. We're sorry." And we were like "What? Sorry? This is amazing!" And then all of a sudden, like the next week, it took off, and it became like the bigger-- it became bigger than "Not Okay," and that was like-- I think everyone's surprised that that happened, and we were just like "Okay," like-- "hey, listen, either way is great."
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daddywarbats · 1 year ago
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I really want to draw Batfam stuff again but tbh some of the comments I see people leave on other artist’s stuff serve as a pretty telling temperature gauge for Toxic Behavior Afoot and that does give me cause for pause in a major way.
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menelaus-blue · 1 year ago
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i am very upset bc i submitted a steamy lesbian essay about carmilla as part of my PORTFOLIO to apply for a steamy sex magazine and they emailed me back like “yeah sorry do you have anything else for your portfolio bc we can’t publish anything with quotes from other authors in it due to potential legal repercussions” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. YOU ARE NOT PUBLISHING MY PORTFOLIO U FUCKING DING DONG DO YOU KNOW WHAT A PORTFOLIO IS. PLUS CARMILLA IS 150 YEARS OLD I DONT THINK JOSEPH SHERIDAN LEFANU IS GONNA HOP OUT THE FUCKING GRAVE AND SUE YOUR ONLINE LITERARY MAGAZINE FOR INCLUDING TWO LINES OF HIS WRITING
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unproduciblesmackdown · 2 years ago
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like hearing an autistic person talking abt realizing like "oh so friendships for some ppl don't involve always having to maintain a performance" and going damn right yeah and now "oh so friendships for some ppl involve their getting to expect that the other ppl will be interested in them and provide support" like huh go figure. more surprising like oh right i guess i always felt like interactions require maintaining a performance that can only go wrong (generally true; like there's no "well you're ruining things by keeping ppl from being the Real You so just Be Yourself" like a] masking isn't Real or done by Yourself or b] like if you unmask people like you now & ableism is over, b/c it was your fault for reacting to it in the first place) & thus also that i should be interested & provide support but not expect that in turn / the sense as well that you are/can only come up short and have things to make up for anyways while lucky whoever's even providing the time of day
then it's always an Exercise to go "oh right well beyond going [my god autistic character] the whole time, what Things re: winston billions was i still not quite seeing as as unusual / Not Good as they are. even for billions" like sure noticing he's holding on to the hopes of some kind of positive / actual relationship w/rian for like year 950 & this manifesting with the Determined Friendliness but zooming in like oh i guess that adamant amicability sure involves winston suppressing a negative reaction to negative treatment and yet still hoping for an improvement, which like, was always Possible but a) hinged on rian simply choosing to change how she regards/treats him (or someone intervening to change the situation) & b) apparently is not going to happen. thinking like yeah that's very Friendly of him. and knowing like man winston's sure still trying to keep this friendliness offer open for like two years. but also now more specifically going like Yeah and pretty fucked then that his baseline expectations don't include that Mutual Interest & Support (though someone being abusive is definitely interested just not in any good ways. and certainly not (actually) supportive)
#and then in immediate retrospect it's like I Mean I Knew It & even now to be saying it feels like i've effectively already said it#just more precise/specific Language available. & where even if it's like [restating this one idea] that's gonna say smthing new / a bit dif#winston billions#from the [immediately going HM HUH first time seeing his clips but taking months to be like He's Autistic(tm) Btw IMO] to now struggling to#say another Ay Word in discussing [he has a devoted workplace bully] as Abuse(tm) when plenty of what's abusive is considered ''normal'' or#correct or even Ideal while defining Abuse as xtreme outliers due to evil intentions & extraordinary situations (that you should avoid)#it's power structures & efforts to control & use/refuse people as things....plenty of ppl who can feel they're just acting Normal & Natural#while other ppl in entire groups Do have to perform which can only go wrong & be hurt / get that everyday trauma from their Normalcy.#those allistic social skills huh (again tldr invoking this concept just Is ableism....)#after a casual twenty plus years w/the gradual convergence of [figuring out i'm autistic] & [not blaming myself for being mistreated b/c#i'm autistic] does put a damper on expectations re: all interactions but it's like the way someone put it the other day#who hasn't said anything abt being autistic but that they don't think anyone's guaranteed any kinds of relationships/companionship incl#friendships (which i agree with; & it's not at all uncommon for ppl to be hard up for those out here. despite ppl treating socializing like#a meritocracy like hmm anyone doesn't have friends? sounds like that's on you not getting good / deserving that) & so he consciously#navigates how to like be genuinely satisfied w/a life that's just got him in it while being open to other ppl. thinking of how i've heard#abt Just That re: autistic ppl (but framed specifically re: dating; like might want a romantic relationship but ofc no one's guaranteed one#of those either (even if this too is definitely treated like in fact you Are guaranteed one & it is Again a meritocracy) And ofc there's#more barriers/hurdles for autistic ppl) & just going like yeah i've sure been always navigating that too while being open to ppl sure but#not feeling like i need that to change & sure asf not focusing on Putting Myself Out There lmao. i put myself out there by existing & by#saying things & by trying not to try to preemptively appease/appeal to anyone. seeing another quote today abt how they're nonverbal & this#results in being regarded as hostile like eugh been there enough; classic [putting myself out there] dramedy of terrors from back in the#day as a teen living on college figuratively sprinting around trying to figure it out; both the Autistacity & Abuse lol. & racking up more#of the latter for the former while i'm at it....nowadays like. certainly recent successes in [spontaneous alignments of being friends] had#to start w/like weeks into months of i'm not expecting someone else to have interest & in fact Am expecting; if nothing else; them to#realize w/e interest motivates them to talk w/me to be mistaken or w/e. as i'm struggling not to mask / beating back efforts to actively#appeal to anyone. being duly surprised when after months they still feel like talking to me. & even then just kind of entering another#phase of ''well but still'' lol like when interactions have largely felt like Buying Time at best#def on the same page as that guy like even [have friends] is not a Need. when i could go ''time to recharge socially'' & make it happen#what i like to do is go be in public '''''by myself'''' around ppl. truly the good shit. doing that kind of shit w/ppl has = nth wheeling.#now insert a short essay spinning off all this abt an approach to Language parallel to [concepts re Socializing] as tag thirty
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